#getting hurt all the time and of myself getting hurt. and covid is fucking scary because we still don’t fuckng know how bad it is really or

[pepprs]

i know i need to shut up abt it esp bc i don’t know for sure if i actually got exposed to covid but like. it’s just so fucking frustrating and terrifying. not just in the case of covid but with other things too like driving. you can take every precaution to keep yourself and the people around you safe but all it takes is one selfish careless asshole who can negate that in a heartbeat and ruin your life or maybe even end it in some circumstances. lol

[dennisboobs]

15 questions for 15 mutuals

I was tagged by @emodennis and @sewerkingcharlie <3

Are you named after anyone?

I named myself <3 but originally I was the bandom equivalent of someone naming their kid Sasuke. Except I was named after a member of Motley Crue.

Do you have kids?

Nope, and I don't want any lol. I parented my sibling and that's enough.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

I Don't Know What Sarcasm Is And At This Point I'm Too Afraid To Ask.

First thing you notice about people?

I don't, I avoid eye contact at all times and if I'm lucky I avoid any and all contact in general.

But probably voice. I listen in on people.

What's your eye color?

Blue

Scary movies or happy endings?

I don't like horror movies and I have a weird sensitivity to seeing people hurt, definitely happy endings, I'm annoyingly an optimist and I love me some feel-good shit. But if it's done well it doesn't need to be a happy ending, just a satisfying one.

Special talents?

Catalogue of Dennis scenes in my brain. You can ask me anything about him and I'm able to give you the episode it comes from (huge boon for wiki purposes but also for editing and stuff too lol) based on like. nothing.

I also went to art school for several years (throughout high school & then a year of college before i realized i hated it) and can draw (not that anyone would know because I never fucking do that <33)

What are your hobbies?

Channelling Dennis' essence like a spirit medium but like. not a scam. He is in my brain and I'm simply his scribe.

I think any of my hobbies are probably known by now on here; wiki editing, drawing, writing, playing video games, editing videos; I have a YouTube channel that I abandoned because I hate it, actually, fuck YouTube-- and archival work. Also sewing, occasionally. And more shit I'm probably forgetting.

Have any pets?

Oui, a dog, Arwen, and a cat, Frisk. I've had plenty of small animals as well, and desperately want pet rats again.

What sports do you play/have you played?

I am a frail little bitch.

How tall are you?

5'4"

Favorite subject in school?

I always liked my tech classes, always a fun day when I got to solder, but even more fun when I could infodump to the class about technology. I did a wholeass photoshoot for my NES opened up and gutted for a presentation in that class and I had truly never been so engaged in a school project before that lmao.

Dream job?

Probably working in JP-ENG game localization. I applied to Sega of America just before covid hit and pretty soon after that everyone I knew there had dipped lmao. I actually really genuinely enjoy working retail (lllloved working at EB Games/Gamestop, and I've worked at three different pet stores and I would literally work at one for the rest of my life and be completely content with it, one of the most rewarding and enjoyable jobs ever tbh), but I mean. You can't really compete with the $$$ that comes with being a welder. If I had the patience I would probably go back to school for translation work, or something psychology-adjacent, I would really love to be an advocate for better education re: autism. I've worked with Fandom for their diversity shit before and am just generally super passionate about helping people get the facts straight about what ASD actually is outside of the stereotypes. But I do that anyway, so I guess it doesn't need to be an actual job lol.

I think by this point everyone's been tagged by other shared mutuals, but if any of y'all want to do it and got passed over, feel free to take this as your sign to do it <3

[photorose11]

***This is going to be all over the place so just a warning cause knowing me it will be long af**

Some days I just can’t comprehend shit. Let me explain. I love my job, I love working in mental health but some of the things I hear stick with me. So many conversations with people that have been through horribly traumatic events. For instance, earlier today I spoke to a lady who had just gone through something… just downright horrible and unfair. An she was alone, has no one. The pain in her voice made me want to cry. And there was nothing I could say to make her situation better. I don’t do well with the feeling of not being able to do anything or help someone; and it’s worse when it’s someone I personally know that I deeply care about.

Working in mental health really changed my life, and has helped me grow up in a lot of ways. I’ve become more realistic since working in health care, definitely since the pandemic. Working in health care in 2020 felt like a never ending nightmare. Except my actual nightmares never had that much death. 2020 was so much worse then a nightmare. Then my best friend almost dying from COVID was a million times worse. Something I can’t even put into words to fully express that level of fear. Sometimes when thinking back on it, I still feel that fear. My worry for the people I love is never ending. I get easily paranoid now, and I’m almost always scared. I can’t just switch it off. I wish I could.

I’m sure it’s annoying, putting up with my constant worry and paranoia. I’m sure it’s draining and exhausting. I exhaust myself with how I am. But I can’t change that part of me. I’ve tried. I can’t. And at the end of every day I’m alone with these thoughts and there’s a fucking ache in my chest that won’t leave and there’s a lump in my throat I can’t fucking get out and I think the only way it will ever come out is if I’m held and held without cruel intentions; held in a way I don’t think I’ve ever actually been held before because every person I ever let hold me in the past were always the ones that mentally and physically hurt me.

Each night is the same. Same thoughts, same ache, same fears and same frustrations. Same restlessness. Same need. Same growing urge to run, run as fast as I can until the pain in my chest and feet overwhelm me but I don’t stop. I don’t stop until I’m forced to cause my lungs may explode if I don’t stop to breathe. Maybe then, maybe then I can actually get it all out. It would be a terrible thing to witness, but it’d be so painful to feel. I’ve held so much in for so long now. In the last year I’ve learned to speak up more though. I say what I feel and I say what I feel I need to say to people. Because life is short and not only do I deserve to say what’s on my mind and what I feel, but people deserve to hear what I have to say and deserve to know how I feel.

I can’t go through life making any more regrets. I won’t have any more regrets. I changed my life with all the regrets I made in the past. So I say what I want and need to now and how other people take that is their own business, not mine. Life is so short and this world is terrifying. An being a parent in the year 2023? Absolutely fucking terrifying. Im terrified for my babies every day. My friends kids. My nieces and my nephews and cousins. Because this world is fucking scary. The future is so uncertain, every day. So I make the best of it, day by day. I speak my mind, I show kindness, I set my boundaries, I focus on my recovery and my sobriety, I try my best to be there for my loved ones, I try my best to be there for myself. I cry when I can. I take in the sunset, every day. I look at the moon every night. I love deeply; and I embrace the feeling of being in love because it’s beautiful and it’s made my life so much brighter and has made me brighter too. Bright enough for me to spread sunshine in others peoples lives and help as many people as I can.

Maybe one day I’ll be held again, by someone who won’t hurt me. For now I just write until my body and brain let me sleep.

[theperplexedpoet]

night before Christmas (2023)

Twas the night before Christmas pandemic year three seasonally coupled with flu and RSV stockings have been hung on the front door this year drop it all off outside and text when all's clear children are scarred now by pandemic living adults are too we're just more forgiving world drama's just something we've long had up on tap so our brains were pre-scrambled through all of that crap we have long known that things were effed right in the b the youth are just learning that taking it harshly just some more random thoughts nights have me reflective as I watch for pirates the porch unprotected stand guard at the window checking for lurkers give nods to still clocked in, exploited workers the moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow trying to tempt us out in the blistering cold “but you'll not trick me with your frostbitten trap” I caught myself saying 'fore my mind went, “WHAT'S THAT?!” Amazon on the approach and coming in quick but who was that driving? wait...is that St. Nick! more rapid than eagles his van was a-moving can't be late, or pay's docked Bezos knows who's snoozing I yelled, “where's Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen?” “Not company approved, so I had to nix 'em. plus Cupid has Covid and now Comet might too! some new North Pole vector it's transmitted through! and none of those damned elves want to come back to work so I had to outsource sub-contract Jeff the jerk. but I did not read any of his fine print so I must work for him now for a short stint.”

and then, with more grumbling, he stepped out the truck talking 'bout how much the work conditions suck the workplace is toxic and the bossman is trash it was as he kept talking I noticed...no mask? here three goddamned years, man, passed exasperation that we're still having to have this conversation?! I grabbed disinfectant shocked and despairing even this big-hearted saint had himself stopped caring his eyes–how they'd hollowed his face, gaunt and scary he loaded all that he could comfortably carry his droll little mouth was pulled down like a bow as he coughed and he hacked on my precious cargo it was easy to see he was congested so I asked “when was the last time you were tested?” looked me dead in my face and these words he gave voice “If I get it I get it my freedom of choice!” not the Nick I remembered no jolly, old elf so I asked, “how can you only think of yourself?”

then he talked of lizards and Mengele too soon gave me to know he's listening to “Q” so I kept the door closed and he looked a bit hurt he filled all the stockings and called me a jerk then gave me the finger but I stayed composed and gave him a nod saying “I know, it blows but this is just life now.” he said, “I won't go back!” I sighed, “okay...whatever, man, we left you a snack” thought I heard him exclaim as he got near the truck “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good nut!”

“...Santa, what?” I replied “the hell was that comment?” then realized it was some odd sponsored content he had stopped talking and just cranked up the truck they'd broken his spirit taken his last fuck as the soft taillights faded into the night I said to myself, “man this shit just ain't right.” (12/23/22)

[what-the-hayl]

Dying.

Sometimes dying isn't always a literal thing, but more so of a mental state. It's crazy how wild, crazy, scary and amazing our brains work. Somedays I'm thinking why i never got into studying anatomy. Then i think...I've always loved the idea of being a counselor, police officer, detective, and a writer too.

I lost a very close friend of mine, Michael. He saved my life once. Having to just carry that grief with me everyday, was very challenging to say the least. It still is some days. Living with my parents, caring for my one year old son, my mental struggles i already had leading up to his death, the only thing at that time going okay for me was my job at Amazon i drove for them. I fucking loved that job, ALOT. The environment was so chill, my bosses were the coolest individuals, the money was good for what it was. I had a trip planned down to Orlando, FL at the end of the month in February.. mom and dad were presentient on me NOT getting on a plane and traveling at that time as Covid-19 was starting to unfold.

I had already paid for my ticket to travel down south, i lied to them and told them i was going somewhere simple like Michigan City with another buddy instead. Once i got down there, i felt guilty as if something were to happen to me, so i texted them that i had landed down there. Needless to say; they were pissed. Pissed.

Literally a week before the governor shut everything down, Amazon let me go for back talking a higher up at 730am. THAT SUCKED. The amount of mad my parents were was enough for me to drink my sorrows away and some party favors that weekend in Florida. The dread to come home that Monday was awful, my parents didnt want me back at their house when i came home incase i had covid, which i understood but was frustrating. I ended up coming home and living out of a suitcase at my aunts house.

You know when they say "misery loves company"? Misery, in company, grows ever worse. I loved my aunt, she was always a mom figure to me but i never respected her as a "elder looking out for me" but a big sister and best friend. I never did wrong to her, when indeed i did alot wrong simply bad decisions. I know i would get no disciplinary actions around her.

The day before Easter of 2020, i went to a girlfriends house, we day drank and laid out all day with her parents and as the night rolled around, others had came over to join. We snorted a shit ton of addy all day and night, i think i started drinking around 1pm that day, and didnt end up passing out on the toilet until 8am Easter morning, i wasnt hungover but more EXHASTED!!! I remember her dad coming to wake me up to let me know there was a guy at the door looking for me... my uncle looking for me i was literally a street over from my aunts. I went to lay back down again, and not even 20 minutes later the cops are at the house now.

I went back to my parents that evening. Not for long, a couple weeks later my dad and i go into it, he told me to get the hell out. He said some really hurtful things to me that day, that stick with me daily. That night im pretty sure i died, my soul died cause i wasnt able to save my dear friend Michael. I had, had enough.

My buddies picked me up with a couple duffle bags, a laundry basket and maybe a fan or something. I stayed with them for a few weeks, we went straight to our bar, all the party favors, and the alcohol. I was so mad that day, i got trashed i remember doing so much snow i was trying to die physically I didnt want to feel the pain anymore.

My truck wasnt running, the headgaskets blew. Now, im car-less, homeless, and jobless. I went and lived out in Muskgon for a little bit, after a month out there i got another truck, crashed that a month later, went to jail, and totaled my truck. I insisted on ratting myself out to the officers and getting tow and paying for the repairs to get it "fixed' ... with money i certainly didnt have. I was living out of that thing for a while at times.

Moved in with my aunts boyfriend "the uncle" that found me on Easter. That was probably the worst decision i could have made in my 29 years. A very dark place for me, and the auras are nasty. Somedays id love to say my piece and most days, i choose peace. I created a onlyfans to afford my truck fixings and parts.

Once i created my onlyfans it was nice money and it was like the stupidest and simplest way to make some money, so why the fuck not. Over time that shit took a mental toll on me as now people only view me as something to fuck all the time. Which is was never the case, i always told myself if i ever did anything physically for money i would be lowering my "respect" i had left of myself. I never brought myself to that.

I went down to stay with my sister and brother n law down in Goergia mid September, for a month and i needed that. Those relations seem to be going in the right direction which makes me happy and hopeful for the future. A year ago was a crazy time.

Im proud to say im almost a year clean from drugs, im working on this sober of alcohol thing and that i can proudly say is going really well too.

Dont let your soul die when a loved one passes, they are with you. Closer than you think.

[nicetrynicetry]

151

On Saturday I am feeling guilty about boarding an 11 hour flight with a cold, but I needn’t, because 70% of passengers seem to be sneezing or coughing or hacking or sniffing something out or up of their bodies. I only pity the air stewardesses having to serve food to so many wretched people. There is a panoply of babies present, too, all being soothed to no avail. The flight is delayed by an hour, and we are waiting a while before take-off. Sickness on a plane is rough. As I will later rediscover for the first time since a camping trip aged 8, sickness anywhere that isn’t one’s home is surprisingly scary. The only thing that stays with me from the flight, which I swiftly repressed like I repress all flights, is how much the plane landing hurt my sinuses. Like something trying to burst forth from my skin. Pure agony. By the time I see A at Arrivals I have decided not to hold the flight against him. And do you know how happy you have to be to see someone for it to override all ailments? He also has an assortment of Sudafed products in the car, garishly packaged as the Americans are wont to do with…well, everything. I tell A I feel like the woman on the Sudafed box, inflamed smears of red along my forehead and under my eyes, my face and body a mere illustration, pallid and black and white. (By the way, if this entry reads in any way odd or you notice more unnecessary similes than usual, the last 36 hours have involved so many different FDA-approved over the counter and under the counter medications and Erewhon turmeric shots that I am not quite myself. Also the jet lag)

At some point A and I walk, wading through a silent disco on Sunset Blvd, men and women gyrating with lit up headphones on. They begin to follow us briefly, but we lose them somewhere near the parking lot that the church of Scientology owns. We eat lamb at Kismet and I’m heartbroken not to be able to taste any part of it, it’s just oily flesh in my mouth. My appetite has fled the city. I also know I must be undergoing something serious, physiologically, because that cigarette that I spend hours craving while on any plane? I don’t smoke it. Usually I am lighting the thing the moment I set foot outside the terminal, but this time I don’t. I try to smoke on the way to dinner and I give up after 2 puffs. “Have I…quit smoking?” I ask A. “Shit, maybe you did”, he says. This will be true of the rest of the evening and the whole of Sunday. It is more unnerving than the cold itself, than the fact I’m staying with a man I’ve seen in the flesh only 4 times, that I am dripping snot all over his top lip and that he doesn’t appear to mind. Neither does his dog Blanquita, by the way. She is similar to certain other dogs in that she will lick the insides of your nostrils unless you tell her to stop, and when you open your mouth to do so, she will begin licking your teeth. We become almost instant friends. When A and I kiss, she attempts to join in

On Sunday I do not want to smoke, and I am dazed from a night of sleep in small 2 hour chapters because I did not eat enough because I didn’t want to eat because I don’t fuck with food I can’t taste. I am led to get coffee and to Erewhon and we meet up with A (other A) and A (the first A) runs into some people he knows and we walk around Silverlake until lunchtime. I do not feel good. I spend every 20 minute interval on the brink of a sneeze that only sometimes comes. I feel it grow in my tear duct and my eyes flutter. I finally get up the courage to take a Covid test and rejoice when it’s negative and we drive to brunch. We walk towards the entrance and we hear A’s name called from an outdoor table and its mental anguish personified: J, dining with a rail-thin blonde woman. A already knows the story of how J got me pregnant in 2016 and how I inadvertently gave myself an abortion in the form of bingeing and purging and drinking and taking cocaine and miscarried in Paris and blocked an AirBnb toilet with all the matter. I would never have volunteered this information but I remember A asked me if I’d ever been pregnant and I told him the truth. And now here is J, who doesn’t know about any of this, and I notice he is almost green in the face as though he took too strong an edible, and he has had a rhinoplasty and some fillers. He registers that it’s me in front of him and invites us both to a talk he’s giving and we say we can’t make it because we have a Japanese tea ceremony to go to and J asks if I want to get coffee or lunch and I say “sure” with my mouth but “I’d rather harm myself” with my body. We seek out a table as far away from J as possible and eat eggs and I try to gauge how rattled I am by it all. I have managed to successfully avoid running into J for almost 6 years now, but I suppose it was going to happen eventually. I focus on the positive, which is that A is here and I don’t have covid-19 and I can almost almost taste the eggs

Next is the tea ceremony, less of a ceremony than a birthday gathering at a hidden address where they confiscate your phones and there happens to be tea. A says last year it was a 5 hour affair; with a guided tea ritual and explanations of each tea’s flavour profile and hourglasses to control steeping time. This time it’s more casual. I know nobody in the room, and yet I know everybody in the room from IMDb or Netflix or Spotify. I do what a non-famous person in a room with famous people is meant to do, which is pretend you aren’t a long standing fan or consumer of the famous people’s output. Be a polite plus one for A, drink tea, allow the birthday girl’s son to unzip your jacket because he is intrigued by it. Pretend not to be sick. I lift my head every half hour to let the snot drain down the back of my throat. I meet E, A’s best friend and husband of the host, and we talk about Robocop and star signs and E says somebody told him to schedule their C-section a few days earlier than planned so that their kid could be a Leo and not a Virgo. He explains he arrived late to the tea party because a delivery of raw milk was arriving at the house. A and I are the last to leave and we are given our phones back but I take mine reluctantly, having enjoyed its absence. We drive home and it’s dark and eat pho and I drink NyQuil and fall asleep to Curb Your Enthusiasm. I take an unofficial inventory of the things A has in his home that are conducive to having a member of the opposite sex to stay, which I have never done. Basic things like linen napkins, a TV in the bedroom (which I was brought up to believe was extremely tacky but I now see its appeal), extra towels, extra pillows. It’s all good to know. I can’t believe A thought he might get to have sex this week and he’s been lumbered with somebody who can’t breathe through her nose

[yrndrgn]

Brain zaps be zapping again

I'm going through this headache again, and I'm so upset about it. I'm not even going through a decrease- I increased goddamnit. I thought they only happened if you decreased. Now I have the metal balls jangling in my head if I so much as move my eyes wrong. Even my tinnitus has taken on a tinny sound. I hate these things so much. Life feels like it's on pause once they start up. I only get them closer to the evenings, so it's not too bad. But, like, some times they start at 5:00PM and mess up my whole evening. I'm in law school damnit- I've got shit to do.

I've also had some scary bad ones recently.

About three weeks ago, I was having a really shitty time. I got dumped, I was plagued by some unknown upper respiratory infection (not COVID), and- key point here- I had vomited a little after taking my meds. The only medication in the puke was the Mucinex I had taken earlier, but my other meds were also probably disrupted because of it. Due to- just- the emotional devastation that I felt and in generally feeling utterly like shit all the time, I hadn't been able to sleep for about 48 hours.

Not great for a sick person.

It was getting late. My dad had gone off to bed. I go up to brush my teeth because they were feeling shitty because, well, depression. My head had been buzzing for maybe an hour- the occasional long series of zaps, but also just buzzing pain in general. Enough to note, but not enough to really to make myself do anything about. I'm on the stairs when something feels off the first time. A lot of zaps go off at once and make my head feel a little dizzy.

Worrying.

I make my way to the bathroom and start brushing my teeth. That's when things got really bad.

I'm one of those people who shakes their head as I brush my teeth. I move in rhythm with the brush. Maybe the motion caused it because suddenly a whole bunch of zaps go off all at once. Just simultaneously blasting away at my brain. My body goes stiff I feel like I'm about to fall over and out of control of my body. The worst part was my vision. The world just started kinda melting. Y'know how sometimes a bunch of window screen will pop up in this specific diagonal overlap? It was like that but also a little liquidy. There was this sound as it happened- like when one dribbles basketballs really low and quickly to the ground but more metal. I remember feeling so stiff.

My body doesn't respond to my commands for a second, but somehow I pushed my will through enough for me to stop myself from falling. I panic finish because what the fuck just happened? I'm heartbroken, depressed, exhausted, sick, and now terrified because I lost control of my body for a second. I leave the bathroom and proceed to have another one. There's basketballs. My head hurts. My limbs stiffen.

The world melts.

I cling to some shelves. I gain back control. I'm scared. Do I move? Do I stay? I'm so tired. I need to go back downstairs. I need my meds. I want my dad.

My dad went to bed- that means he's in the room right next to me.

This is purely a matter of happenstance. Due to some shenanigans involving the AC units at home, my dad started sleeping in my sister's room since she had already left for her own place, and her room conjoins my childhood bedroom through the bathroom. I went to my childhood bedroom by habit despite not sleeping there because my AC unit was among the broken ones because, when you're feeble, sickly, prissy prissy prince(ss) like me, you need to be able to cool the room a little while on a tropical island. I was standing in my room at the time, maybe I could drag myself just far enough to get my dad.

I move slowly. I keep one hand webbed in the shelve's grids as I travel, then pressed against the wall once there are no more shelves.

I'm in the doorway when a third one hits. Maybe because it's happened twice now, but it's not quite as bad. But the world still melts for a bit.

I cling my to my sister's bedroom door and knock. I call out for my dad and quietly open the door.

He's tired and confused and worried.

"There's something wrong with me. I don't think it's safe for me to go down the stairs alone. Can you help me?"

I feel like a little kid all over again.

Instead of doing what my routine-oriented brain thinks of which is guiding me downstairs then back to the actual room I sleep in, he slips me into what was his bed. He rubs my back and strokes my hair then goes to get my meds. My Ate comes to check because she heard something happened and know that I'm still really sick. She brings me an extra blanket and some water.

My dad returns with my meds and my phone. He tells me to text him or my Ate if I need anything and to get some rest.

I take all my meds plus a Tylenol PM and finally sleep for the first time in over 48 hours.

I haven't had brain zaps as bad as that day since.

But every time they start back up, I worry if it'll happen again, and if this time I really do lose control. My dad isn't here to help me again. I don't know if there's anyone who could help me if they happen again.

[rachelianello]

Officially six months seizure free!...Again. I won't ever drive again. I just don't want something to happen while I am driving and harm anyone that is on the road near me. I don't like driving anyways. I also have neuropathy. Pins and needles in my legs and feet times a million at first. I couldn't walk the pain was so bad. I couldn't even stand. Three weeks later after being in the hospital for a week a fucking MRI with some drug that calmed me down I was diagnosed with neuropathy which I already said. I was transferred to a in patient physical rehab facility for two weeks. The rain was still so bad and standing hurt. I couldn't even shower myself. Those two weeks with those therapist meant more that anything to more. Yes did I have to use a walker and a wheelchair after I got out? Absolutely. It has been a year not and I don't need to use my walker and I use my wheelchair to walk/jog around my neighborhood with my little puppy dog Otto. I went so long without being able to do anything like that. I just use my wheelchair for balance. I am not trying to walk around my neighborhood and fall down and scrape my knees. I mean, lets be real, I am not a ripe banana anymore just one with a lot of brown spots but more yellow. ALSO, IF I EVER HEAR ANYONE TELL ME THAT THEIR LEG FELL ASLEEP OR THEIR ARM AND THEY FEEL PINS AND NEEDLES AND IT HURTS. WHAT A JOKE. MY FEET WILL FEEL THAT WAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE AND I AM USED TO IT. MY MEDICATION HELPS BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE IT GO AWAY. My bad but don't be a little bitch, bro. Anyways....THANKYOU MOTHERFUCKING MISSOURI FOR LEGALIZING MARIJUANA.

I was very close to getting my medicinal card but my dealer always hooked me up. They still do but there is nothing better than walking as slow as I can into a dispensary and picking out what I want. My primary care Doc and all my other specialist ask if I smoke and I tell them, "Just Mary Jane." They look at me and say, "Well, its not illegal so I can't tell you not to and your oxygen/breathing is great. I am glad to helps." My gynecologist, neourologist, seizure doc and all the other docs I see say the same.

Still take my meds. Honestly, The first time had a seizure was the scariest. Not because I was in pain but I was at work and fell down and hit my head so hard. I can't believe I didn't break my glasses. Luckily I had so many employees around me to help. Not trying to toot my own horn but I was a pretty badass Kitchen Manager. I thought anyways. I tried my best. I was carried out for my first ride on the ambulance and the only thing I can remember was my General Manager asking me to call my best friend Kamryn and I said yes. My General Manager never stopped taking food orders. More than half the staff walked out that night. Saturday, February 19th 2021 9PM...Buffalo Wild Wings. My best friend was at the hospital before I even was even though I was rushed on the ambulance. I had covid to haha. If I knew that I would have never went to work but I needed to be at work for that seizure to happen. What would I have done if I was at home where I lived alone and that happened to me?

That was long. I don't care care if anyone reads this but PLEASE STOP MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE THAT HAVE SEIZURES OR ANY OTHER MEDICAL CONDITIONS. IT'S NOT FUNNY. IT DOESN'T ONLY MAKE SOMEONE FEEL BAD ABOUT THEMSELVES..ESPECIALLY SOMETHING THEY CAN'T CONTROL BUT IT IS SO SCARY FOR ANYONE AROUNT THEM TO WITNESS IT.

I PROMISE, NO ONE IS LAUGHING ABOUT YOUR IGNORANCE. IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW HOW IT FEELS BEING IN THE HOSPITAL..GETTING POKED BY MULTIPLE NEEDLES, (EVERY HOUR..ESPECIALLY RIGHT WHEN YOU FALL ASLEEP AND INSTANTLY WAKE UP AGAIN) HAVING SOMEONE WATCH YOU SHIT, WEARING A DIAPER AND PEEING YOUR PANTS, NOT ALLOWED ANY FRIENDS/FAMILY TO SEE YOU, NOT BEING ABLE TO SHOWER FOR A WEEK, LET ME KNOW. IF YOU WANT TO TAKE MEDICATION FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFT THATS PRETTY FUCKING AWESOME. IF ONE DAY YOU DON'T TAKE IT YOU WILL IMMEDIATELY HOPE THAT WHO WONT HAVE A SEIZURE THAT DAY. I have dreams of anyone that I am helping someone having a seizure.

Moral of this post. Please, be a kind human. You never know what someone is going though.

[katnisscarter]

Listen babe if you see this just fucking text me back to see me Jesus Christ I know it’s scary & I know it involves a lot of emotions and maybe you don’t feel worthy of it bc you cheated or maybe you feel weird that I want you back or maybe you even just are worried about having a serious commitment again. I get that, I get all of those I really do. But do you remember life pre covid? That year right before covid but after SMC? How everything was just… right? How there wasn’t any pressure or any scary shit or the world ending? That’s us baby. That’s what we are like when we’re at our best together & it’s beautiful. We can be like that again, but this time it will be better. I’ve grown so immensely this past year, I really fucking went from trying to kill myself to graduated & I just signed my hospital contract in 11months. Like I’m so at peace now. & I feel like you’re hurting. I feel like you’re upset because of how things ended. I feel like you’re just sitting down there playing video games 24/7 & going to work to avoid real life. & when you do stop to think about it for more than 10min you get alot of feelings and not always good. Come home baby, come talk to me. We can work through them together. & honestly it just doesn’t have to be all serious 24/7. Like we have a deep talk & get it out of the way & move past it. I’m not going to hold it over your head. I’m not going to bring it up at every argument. I forgive you Ryker. & i fucking love you. It won’t go away, no matter how hard I’ve tried the last year & however long. So please baby, just fucking come home. Just take the leap. Bite the bullet. It might be scary but it will be worth it for those Sunday mornings making pancakes at noon in our underwear. It will be worth it for the late nights holding eachother in bed. It will be worth it for all the times we’ll sing to eachother at concerts. Because to me, you’re worth it. I’ll wait. But like ok hurry the fuck up a little bit cause I have MCR tickets for the 13th and like GIRL I’m getting nervous you won’t come w me 😂😂😂😂

[amosykes]

apparently the last personal post i wrote in this tag was 4 years ago and because i'm sure i hit the bottom of the barrel i'm just gonna add into it to keep the tradition going of me documenting my life for already 10 years on here lol

Reading back in this tag, I notice I've been struggling with my mental health for as long as I can remember. I genuinely spent 10 years of my life already battling depression and anxiety. This year I got diagnosed with autism and ADD, which I'm sure are the reason I've felt like this my entire life. I'm also like 99% certain I have borderline personality disorder which would REALLY be the answer to all the problems I've ever had in my life.

My last post in this tag was 4 years ago and reading back I can just feel how hopeless everything felt back then. I went to college for the first time and it went to shit because I fell into the worst depression ever at that point in my life. I can tell you I genuinely believed my life was getting better in 2019, but covid fucked over all of my emotional progress and I was left with nothing.

I'm now 22, it's my summer break and I'm supposed to start yet another study this month. Thing is I'm so incredibly depressed that I don't even know if I want to keep trying to make something of my life anymore. I've already failed two studies, so what makes me think I won't fail this one too? How can I handle a study when I'm this depressed? I'm so depressed I'm physically in pain. I just feel the sadness in my bones, in my entire body and I don't know what I can do anymore to fix it. Each year gets worse. I lost my childhood cat this year, and this summer break I unexpectedly lost the one thing that never failed to make me happy. I'm so utterly broken, I just can't put in the effort anymore to go on. My entire life I've always had suicidal thoughts but they were brief and I never had the intention to act on it, but it's a different kind of scary when you genuinely know you have the power, motivation and intention to end your own life.

I was supposed to be 1 year self-harm free this August 5th, for the past 5 to 7 years I've never hit the 1 year milestone. Especially this year I wanted to hit the 1 year mark. I just needed to do it for myself, I needed to prove myself I don't need to hurt myself to get through especially the loss of my childhood cat. I didn't self harm after she died and I was so proud of myself and I genuinely thought I was gonna make it to the 1 year mark and I didn't, only a couple of days before I was supposed to be 1 year clean. No one knew about this and I just wanted to do it for MYSELF and I still managed to screw it up.

My life is going downhill so fast I don't even know what to do about it anymore. There's so many things I need to get through and process and I don't think I have the energy and motivation to do that. I don't want to think about next month because that means 31 more days of feeling so much emptiness and pain I can't do that. I'm in so much pain, I just want to feel peace. I'm tired of calling the suicide prevention hotline. I'm tired of going every bad thing imaginable. I just don't care about this life anymore. I feel like such an immense burden to my friends and family because things have been like shit for years and no matter what I do, there's no progress in getting better. This is by far the lowest point I've ever hit in my life and I don't want to go through it another day.

I miss the fuzzy warm feeling of something nice happening in my life. I miss the buzz I get from attending a show from a band I adore. I miss feeling wanted, special. I miss feeling necessary, needed, being missed. I miss walking home in the dead of the night after having drinks with my friends. I miss having a genuine laugh. I miss feeling happy. There's so much nothingness in my chest. I'm in so much pain. I don't know what I did in a past life to deserve this much hurt. I miss living. I miss it all. I'm completely and utterly broken. This mental suffering is unbearable. I'm rotten.

I wonder what would happen if I genuinely end my life. Would it come as a surprise, or was it expected? Last time I called the suicide prevention hotline I expressed my feelings about not wanting to tell my friends how I'm feeling because I'm scared I won't be taken seriously after all these years battling depression. They asked me if I would have wanted to know if a friend was dealing with suicidal thoughts and ofcourse I would. I just think everyone is tired of me and my problems. I don't think people bat an eye if I express my suicidal thoughts.

For me, giving up was never an option but it has been on my mind the last few weeks. I started to stop thinking about it as giving up, rather as moving on. We'll see.

[bat-revival]

So, I've never really done something like this before but I really have the urge to just scream into the void and I don't want to keep using my boyfriend and my friends as emotional dumpsters. So please, feel free to just ignore this.

It's stupid really, because everything I'm feeling right now was triggered by a stupid teenage coming of age series with a stupid love triangle where the girl ends up with the wrong guy (imho).

So, it's late over here, it's nearly 3 am and everything hurts. My life is deeply unsatisfying as it is (this doesn't apply to my boyfriend, he's great and I love him very much and he's my rock and lifeline but I also don't want to burden him too much with my baggage) with uni and me trying to figure out what to do next, but also with the climate crisis, the rise of nationalism and fascism and war right around the corner. I know these are things everyone's struggling with and I'm not alone with these fears and uncertainties.

It's just... I fail at doing the simplest tasks. I can't concentrate and it takes me a million years to do the shortest uni assignments, if I can actually get myself to start in the first place.

I feel like I'm constantly disappointing everyone. For example, i have a deep fear of driving cars (my driving teacher was a huge asshole who made me feel stupid, small and insecure behind the wheel and it kinda stuck) and my bf and I had to drive a lot this past month (and I mean A LOT- our hometown is 4 hours away by car). My bf usually drives because he enjoys it and he won't really let me drive because I once had a panic attack behind the wheel while he was there. But now we had a fight because I don't drive but at the same time he won't let me. So yesterday I put my foot down and insisted on driving for a few hours and it was alright I guess, I mean I CAN drive, but it was so fucking hard for me to concentrate, my mind was constantly wandering and I couldn't do shit about it which was really fucking scary and staying focused was exhausting. It was super shameful because driving feels like such a simple adult task yet I'm failing at it and when I had finally parked the car I couldn't even be proud for driving despite my fears.

And this seems to apply to every aspect of my life. Being afraid and insecure, trying hard to focus, doing alright but under so much Stress that it's just a horrible experience anyway.

I have a lot of friends but I don't really feel close to them. And it's my fault, I try to keep a little distance because I tend to like them a lot more than they me and it always hurts to have that realization. It's happened a lot, in fact it happened last just before my birthday in June. It's also hard for me to keep contact with people via social media, I guess that's why people always like me less. It makes confiding in people harder ,too.

The fact that I'm dealing with depression and anxiety since I was fifteen doesn't really help the overall situation and I constantly need to consume media to drown out the noise in my head, which in turn doesn't help my concentration problem. I used to self harm a lot, but I stopped after my current bf begged me to. Now I haven't done anything physical for three and a half years but my fingers are always itching and I can't even buy this fancy skin friendly razor because it needs "real" blades and I can't trust myself around them because I constantly feel a *need*. I watch my scars closely and they're starting to fade which lead to another panic attack because i kind of need to see my scars to know that everything was and is still very real and that I'm not making it all up.

I haven't actively thought about killing myself for 9 years now, so that's good I guess. but I also just really really don't want to live.

I also recently had covid for the first time and it really took a toll on my lungs and I have a few breathing problems. They're getting better ,sure, but right now, I haven't been able to excercise for 5 weeks. Normally, I excercise 4 to 5 times a week. And all this sitting around is driving me insane. I want to run and I want to scream, i want to lift heavy stuff and feel in control for once. my skin crawls and itches and I can't let it out.

On top of everything, my grandma died very suddenly three weeks ago. There was a sudden and unexplainable bleeding in her head that damaged the entire brain, they didn't even try surgery because she was gone immediately. I mean, her body lived, but she was gone. I had talked to her around noon on the same day and everything was fine and not even 6 hours later she collapsed.

We were very close and I miss her so much. She was such a guiding light and inspiration for me, I'll never meet anyone like her again. Life without her seems impossible and unreal , yet time keeps flying. June in general lasted for 20 years and July isn't looking much better.

I'm so tired, I just want to sleep, but I can't. I feel so stuck and nothing makes sense and I just don't want to live this life anymore.

And now, this girl chose the wrong guy and I simply burst into tears. It's so stupid and I can't even explain myself but everything came to the surface and I'm just trying to beat my feelings with a stick so that they'll go into hiding again.

I miss life. I miss being excited. I miss looking forward to things. I miss waking up without immediately worrying.

Ugh alright, thank you tumblr for letting me rant. I know this is a downer and I hope people don't read this and feel sad. I just needed a place to put all this. Half of this might not even make sense and I'm sure I have forgotten a few things but I don't think that's important, because I actually feel better now. Sigh. Maybe I do need a therapist again.

[the-descolada]

i wish i could just be happy

[mettlekettle]

Killer- Harry Styles x fem!reader

hii everyone!!! it feels like ive been gone for so long. I have so many wips but no motivation to finish them lol. new harry photos inspired me today bc i absolutely want harry to rail me while covered in blood,,, anywhoooo please reblog!!!!! it motivates me so much when i get love on my writing!!!

read my other fics if you want!!! 

masterlist

warnings: daddy kink, sub y/n, dom harry, fake blood, throat fucking and covid doesn’t exist bc fuck that <3

word count: 2.5k

“Cut!” Olivia yells ending the intense scene Harry was filming. “Take a little break H, then we’ll do the next scene with the blood”. Harry sighs wiping his forehead while trying not to mess up the carefully placed fake blood. He walks to the snack table, picking up a tiny water bottle and drinking it quickly.

“Hey killer,” he hears from beside him, looking to see his girlfriend of two years. She’s looking up at him with a soft smirk on her pretty face. She was bored at home, and she thought that Harry would appreciate her company at work for a little bit. What she wasn’t expecting was Harry to be covered in blood, wielding a knife and shouting like Billy from Scream, her first celebrity crush. Call her sadistic, but there was just something about scary hot men, covered in blood that just riled her up. 

“Baby! What are yeh doin’ here?” he gasps.

“Oh you know, just came to visit my favorite movie star,” y/n murmurs leaning up to kiss his cheek before looking behind him, “ooh here she is now! Hi Florence!” Harry groans, pouting down at the girl as she pulls his co-star into a big hug. 

“Why yeh gotta steal my girl every time she comes to set Flo,” he asks rhetorically, making a large mistake in the process. y/n and Florence share a mischievous look before bursting out into song.

“Everybody wanna steal my girl! Everybody wanna take her heart away! Couple people in the whole wide world! Find another cuz’ she belongs to me!” Harry groans again, before covering her mouth with his hand. y/n licks his palm and he pulls away quickly. Florence starts up a conversation with an extra, leaving the couple to themselves.

“You’re gross,” he says pointedly before grabbing her and wrapping his arms around his girl.

“And you’re hot.” y/n returns with the same tone. Harry pulls away from the hug, raising his eyebrows at the girl. “How do you look so good covered in fake blood?”

“Only you would think I look good covered in fake blood, my love,” he humours. y/n pouts shaking her head softly.

“No, no I think your fans would agree with me on this one. How much longer do you have before you need to be out there again? Wanna take me to your trailer?” she speaks smiling up at him. y/n knows how to get Harry riled up, batting her eyelashes always works when she wants him, and pretending to be innocent despite how much of a little tease she is. y/n was now grateful for the pretty floral dress she chose today, which was one that Harry, on many occasions, told her drove him crazy. The combination of his messy hair, the fake blood splattered across his body and watching him act scary and tough during the scene when she first arrived made her want him even more than she already did. y/n wanted him rough and mean. She wanted her daddy. 

“You little minx,” Harry smiles down at her, pulling her hips towards him.

“I have no idea what you mean by that H,” she giggles wrapping her arms around his neck.

“C’mon bunny, let's see how long I have to take care of my girl,” he pulls her along by her hand, finding the assistant director, and asking her how long until they start filming again.

“We’re having a few technical difficulties, so you’ll have about an hour,” she pauses, looking at the girl partially hidden behind Harry, “but if your hair and makeup gets messed up, you need to come back thirty minutes earlier so that it can get fixed”. Harry chuckles while y/n hides behind him more. Shy little thing she is, always gets embarrassed when people know things about their sex life. He turns them around and begins to walk to his trailer, pulling open the door, he leads her into the small area. Once the door is closed, y/n immediately drops to her knees tugging on his trousers. Harry quickly grabs a hold of her wrists.

“Wanna suck me off angel? What about you?” he questions. She whines, pulling her wrists out of his grip and unzipping his pants. She nods murmuring a small “you first” before taking his length out, pushing his pants down his legs. Harry’s already hard. How could he not be when his love wore his favorite dress and teased him just the way she knows drives him wild.

“S’pretty” y/n giggles up at him, and that’s how he can tell she’s feeling very submissive today.

“Yeah bunny? Like daddy’s cock?” Harry questions again, gathering her hair in his hands. y/n nods in response, leaning forward to lick the tip. Harry tuts softly, tugging her head away from him. “Use your words, I won’t repeat myself.” he growls, his accent thick and voice stern. 

“Sorry daddy, love your cock,” y/n hums. Harry allows her mouth to get close to him once again, not releasing his grip on her hair completely. She presses a few soft kisses to the vein running up his length before taking it in his mouth. The sweet little thing bobs her head up and down, using her hand to stroke the part she can't reach. Harry’s body is instantly wracked in pleasure, his stomach tensing up and his head thrown back as y/n sucks him exactly how he likes it. 

“Pretty girl,” he moans, “doin’ so good for me, always so fuckin’ good for me darling”. y/n knew she was dripping, his dominant persona never failed to get her going. She pressed her thighs together and wiggled her hips slightly, thanking whoever was up there that Harry was feeling too good to notice because she knew he wouldn’t hesitate to pull her over his lap and spank her till she was crying and her bum was sore for getting off without permission. Pulling off his cock and beginning to stroke it with both her hands is what causes Harry to look back down at the girl. “s’wrong ?” he speaks.

“Fuck my throat please?” her voice is quiet and her eyes are glossy.

“Yeh lost your voice last time baby, were sore f’days. Don’t wanna hurt you again,” Harry reasons. The pout on her spit covered lips grows, looking up at him with her glistening eyes.

“but I liked it last time, daddy. Pleaaaase?” she begs. She was being a brat, but he didn’t wanna punish her for lack of time. Harry’s mind was racing. 

“God you’re so fucking cute. If it gets to be too much you tap my thigh three times? Okay bunny? You gotta Promise me,” he gives in. y/n bounces a little on her knees excitedly.

“Promise daddy, we’ll stop if it's too much,” she agrees, shifting forward on her knees greedily opening her mouth. Harry couldn't help himself, moving forward himself he grips her hair, tilting her head back at the same time.

“Such a greedy little girl aren’t yeh?” he hums, “would let me do anything to you”. y/n nods as much as she can with his tight grip in her hair. Harry opens his mouth again, spitting directly onto her tongue. “Swallow.” he watches y/n’s throat bob and then reopens her mouth, showing him that she did in fact swallow it all. “Good girl,” he praises, “ready?”

She nods excitedly. Harry uses his grip on her hair to guide his cock into her mouth. As he pushes himself further into her throat he hears her gag, he pulls out, letting her breath for a moment. y/n breathes deeply a few times before opening her mouth again, letting him re-enter. Harry begins to thrust his hips, a shallow pattern interrupted by the wet sounds of y/n’s throat. He doesn’t take his eyes off her this time, wanting to watch her for two reasons: it was so fucking hot, and to make sure she’s okay. Sometimes his angel had the habit of pushing herself too far when it comes to Harry’s pleasure. He needed to make sure she wasn’t in any unbearable pain because of how big he was. As Harry’s thrusts became quicker, y/n let out some whimpers of her own, telling Harry that she was pressing her thighs together, hoping to relieve some pressure. 

“Fuck, bunny, m’so close,” he groans. y/n moves her hand to cup his balls, fondling them how she knows he likes. With one last thrust, Harry pulls out, jerking himself over y/n’s tongue, cumming in thick ropes. y/n envelopes his head in her mouth again, draining him completely. When she pulls away a string of spit connects her lips to the tip of Harry’s cock, making it twitch again. He moves his hand to her face to break the string, rubbing his thumb over her wet lips as he once again watches her swallow. Harry pulls his pants up his thighs, buttoning them and redoing the belt given to him by the costume specialist on set. He took a seat on the couch, adjusting himself before patting his thigh to signal to the dazed out girl that he wanted her near.

“C’mon baby,” he ordered. y/n stands on shaky legs, wobbling over to her boyfriend, sitting back on the couch, arms spread over the back. God her daddy is so hot. She takes a seat on his lap, placing her hands onto his shoulders. The white button down he was wearing had red blood spatter, just like his face. The thought of Harry making someone bleed, made her even more wet, holy, she’s gross. Why does this turn her on?

“Daddy,” she whimpers, grinding her clothed center against his crotch. Harry almost allows her to continue her endeavor before he remembers his probably expensive costume trousers. 

“Can’t make a mess of daddy’s clothes angel,” he moves his hand to her panties, feeling that she soaked through the undergarment, “soakin’ wet f’me aren’t yeh sweetheart?” 

“All f’you daddy,” y/n moans. Harry moves y/n so she’s laying down on the couch. Pushing her dress over her hips and he feels himself get slightly hard again when he sees the pink, cherry covered panties that y/n chose for today. 

“Fuck, you’re gorgeous,” he hisses, pulling them down her thighs, leaving a seductive kiss to the smooth skin of her knee. 

“Please,” she keens, desperately bucking her hips as Harry’s hands move over her hips. 

“Please what angel? Gotta ask for it bunny,” he speaks lowly, making sure she hangs onto every word.

“Please, want your fingers H,” y/n begs. Harry smirks at the girl. Pulling off the fake wedding band that was used for filming. Something felt wrong about fucking the girl he was one day going to marry with a wedding ring on his hand. He placed the ring in his pocket before rubbing his fingers over her sopping wet cunt. Her hips bucked into his hand. After playing with her swollen clit for a moment he slipped a finger into her tight hole. 

“Always so tight sweet girl,” he growled. Pumping his long finger in and out of her, after he felt that she was loose enough he slipped another one inside her. Hearing her whines get louder, leaned close, pressing his lips to hers. When he began to rub his thumb over her clit along with fucking her with his fingers, she let out a sound that was between a scream and a squeal. Covering her mouth with his other hand he spoke into her ear gruffly, “shh bunny, just take it. Be a good girl for me”. He feels her hips buck suddenly, feeling her clench around him. “Cum f’me pet, soak my hand,” he grunted. y/n tried to close her legs but Harry was having none of it, he pried her legs open as she reached her high.

“Feels so good daddy, please don’t stop. Please please please ngh!” she rambled, tears beginning to stream down her cheeks. Harry smiled, continuing to work y/n through her orgasm. He only removed his thumb from her clit when she started writhing away from him. Harry lifted her onto his chest, laying down on the couch. He lifted the patterned blanket off the back of the couch, placing it over the pair. 

“Thank you,” she hummed softly into his neck. Harry ran his hand up her back, pressing a few kisses to her forehead. Her favorite form of aftercare has always been a good cuddle. Sometimes she likes a bath and then for Harry to brush her hair, but that was only when they had a very rough session where Harry threw a little bit of name calling in there. She liked when he was rough with her but sometimes her dazed out brain would really think that daddy thought she was just a slut. Harry always worked quickly to reassure his pretty girl that she was absolutely everything to him and help draw her out of her subspace.

“Have to go back soon,” he sighs

“Mmm don’t goooooo,” she groaned, trying to wiggle closer to him.

“Can come back with me baby,” he responds.

“I look like a mess H,” she complains. She sat up taking the small compact mirror of her bag on the floor, pulling out a makeup wipe as well. y/n wiped the mascara stains on her cheeks.

“You look like a goddess,” he says.

“Sure killer,” she hums. y/n picks her panties off the floor, sliding them back up her legs. Harry stands as well, moving to look in the mirror and see if he messed anything else.

“What’re yeh doin for the rest of the day angel?” he speaks softly, watching his girlfriend put herself together again. Her legs were still a bit shaky so Harry walked to the small fridge in the corner, pulling out a small bottle of iced tea. He pops the bottle open before handing it to her.

“Thanks bub, uh, I think I might go home and have a nap, miss you a bunch, take naughty photos and send them to you, you know. The usual,” she hums, taking a sip of the sugary drink.

“My little minx hmm?” he asks, placing his hands on her face. y/n threw arms around her neck, pressing a soft kiss to the mole beside his mouth. She brushes her thumb over the blood on his cheek. 

“My scary man. I love you,” she muses.

“Love yeh too, bunny”.

[aliendes]

BTS reacts to saying something hurtful and then regretting it PT.2

Anon: Hi Angel🥺 i adore your writing and i was wondering if you were going to make a part 2 to the BTS reacts to saying something hurtful I looooove part 1🥺

Anon: Absolutely loved the most recent reaction !! DEFINITELY NEED A PART TWO

Anon: Could YOU PLEASEEEEE DO a part two for the bts reaction where they something hurtful😭😭😭 but fluffy ending if possible, I LITERALLY LOVE YOUR WRITING

Anon: Hi dude, I was wondering if you would do a pt.2 to BTS reacts to saying something hurtful and then regretting it, pls do it if you're still thinking bout it!

A/N: ok damn I didn't think you’d want a second part this badly lol but here it is! * I’m sorry this is so shit, this was supposed to be posted earlier today, but I worked from home today because someone at my work was diagnosed with COVID yesterday, which is scary. But then I’ve had a migraine all day, and fell asleep for SIX hours!? That never happens. So sorry it’s so late, not that you guys know that, but still and sorry it’s shit. 

Warnings: angsssssst, fluff, mentions of sex, but no sex, cursing, mentions of cheating in the past, mentions of blood and stiches, a lot of these deal with another member being YN’s best friend, sorry it made things easier D: *unedited as per usual

Word count: 6.7k ~

In your rush to leave the apartment, you hadn’t realized you left your phone plugged in on your nightstand. Now it’s been over an hour you’ve been walking around the streets of Seoul, no way to call your sister, who would likely come pick you up. It’s not like it mattered, you didn’t really want to talk to anyone anyways. You just wanted to walk. It was your coping mechanism for a lot of things; anger, fear, sadness, anxiety. You were feeling a mixture of all of those things, and walking was a relief to you right now.

You continued walking for a little while longer, not realizing that your feet had taken you to your best friend’s apartment building. Letting out a heavy sigh, you figure you might as well crash here, you know Yoongi won't mind. 

Entering the fancy looking building, you pass the guard sitting near the front entrance, showing him your ID, which you thankfully had with you. You knew you were always on the list of approved visitors, and he was shortly letting you up the elevator. 

When you reached your best friend’s door, you held your hand up to knock, but before your fist could make contact with the wood, it was being swung open.

“YN! Oh my God!” 

Your eyes widened in shock as you took a step backwards, not expecting to see him here. “Jin?”

Your tall boyfriend steps over the threshold of Yoongi’s apartment, lifting his arms to hug you, but thinks better of it and drops them to his side. You can see dried tear tracks on his face, red rimmed eyes, and a purple bitten lower lip, all signs that he’s been crying, hard. 

“YN, I’m so sorry,” he sobs, letting fresh tears roll down his cheeks, “I-I was so worried, y-you-”

His mumbling is cut off by a firm hand on his shoulder, making his eyes fall shut as he lets the sobs rack his chest. “Come on, man,” Yoongi says stiffly behind him, “go wash yourself up.” Nodding his head, Jin turns around with one last sad glance in your direction, and disappears down the dimly lit hallway.

Yoongi watches him for a moment before turning to you, gesturing into his apartment with a nod of his head. You hesitate for a moment, briefly wondering if you should just leave, but decide your feet hurt and it’s too chilly to start walking again. Reluctantly, you follow your best friend into his living room and plop down on the couch. Following you shortly after, Yoongi falls next to you, an arm wrapping around your shoulders. 

“He told me what happened,” he says flatly, looking at you in the eyes, “he feels like shit.”

“Good,” was all you could say in response, crossing your arms over your chest. You were done being sad, now you were angry. 

Yoongi sighs next to you, “YN, I know you’re upset. You have every right to be, trust me. But you love him, and he loves you. Right?”

You want to refute him, but he’s right. You both love each other more than anything, you know that. Nodding your head, your bottom lip juts out slightly and starts to wobble. Yoongi squeezes your shoulders at the sight, “I think the two of you should talk it out, hmm?” You nod again, not trusting your voice. “You guys can crash in the spare room, I’ll head out to the studio.”

“You don’t-”

“YN, it wasn’t an offer, it was a statement.”

Knowing how stubborn your best friend was, you shut up and nodded your head again, letting him stand up and grab his jacket. 

“You know I love you both,” Yoongi said, hand on the doorknob, “but I will be upset if you fuck on my furniture.”

You scoff, head twisting back to glare at him, but he was already gone. Shaking your head, you let it fall back onto the plush sofa as you wait for your boyfriend to emerge from wherever he was. 

It felt like hours later when you opened your sleepy eyes, realizing you’d fallen asleep on Yoongi’s living room couch. Blinking a few times, you turn, only to realize you’re laying sideways, and you’re in a warm embrace. 

“Jin?” you mumble, sleepily, as you look behind you at your boyfriend’s sullen expression. 

Closing his eyes and sighing through his nose, he lays his forehead against your shoulder. “I’m sorry, YN,” he whispers, voice cracking slightly, “I’m so sorry. You know I love you, right?”

Turning around in his loose grasp, you hear the squeak of the couch underneath you. Pressing one hand against Jin’s firm chest, you bring the other up to cup his wet cheek. 

“Yes, Jin,” you mumble, making him open his eyes to stare into your own, “I do.”

“I don’t deserve you,” he cries softly, “I love you so much.”

“I love you, too,” you mumble, leaning forward to press a kiss on his nose, “I know you didn’t mean it. I’m sorry for running away.”

He shakes his head, pressing his plush lips to your forehead, “No, don’t apologize. I was just so fucking worried when I got to Yoongi’s and you weren’t here. I thought - I thought something happened to you, you always come here when you’re upset.”

You bit at the inside of your cheek, contemplating his words for a moment. “Yeah, I guess I just got lost in my thoughts,” you chuckle darkly, “but I’m okay, and I love you.”

Another tear rolls down Seokjin’s nose, “I’m so glad I have you in my life, YN. I don’t know what I’d do with myself if I lost you.” He sniffles, making you reach up and wipe at his tears. 

“Then we’re lucky you’ll never have to find out.”

Jungkook and Yoongi are both jogging down the streets near the company building, trying to find where you went. Yoongi was about to have a full blown panic attack when he realized you had completely fled the building with no phone or bag. He was beside himself with grief, his mind turning to the worst case scenarios immediately. 

After not finding you in the immediate vicinity of the building, he and Jungkook split up, Jungkook going to look at your best friend’s house, and Yoongi going to check your apartment. He brought your bag with him, which included your keys. He knew you wouldn’t be able to get into your home without them, and felt terrible that you might be wandering around the city, alone with no way to contact anyone. 

Your bag and jacket in hand, Yoongi took the elevator up to your floor, hoping beyond all hope that he would find you somewhere around here. As he stepped off the elevator, his ears immediately perked up at the sound of light sniffles. Rushing out of the elevator doors, Yoongi stops dead in his tracks at the sight of you, sitting on the floor, back leaned against your apartment door, hugging your knees to your chest. Your forehead is resting on the tops of your bent knees, so you haven’t noticed him yet. He can tell you’re crying by the uneven breaths you take. His heart breaks, completely crumbles in his chest at the site of you attempting to curl in on yourself. 

He instantly rushed forward, dropping your bag and jacket onto the ground next to you, and fell to his knees in front of you. His hands reach out and as he places both of his hands on your shoulders, your head jerks up, startling at the sight of your crying boyfriend.

“Y-Yoongi?” your eyes are so swollen and your vision is so blurry, you think for a moment you might be seeing things.

“Yes, baby,” he whispers, “I’m here, I’m right here.” He watches as realization slowly takes hold of you, your face falling and twisting into a pained expression, almost like you’re disgusted he’s in front of you. 

You sniffle loudly, turning your head away from him, not wanting him to see what a mess he’s made of you. “Please go away,” you murmur into the empty hallway. You don’t see it, but Yoongi’s face falls even more as he realizes you really don’t want him near you. You never shy away from his physical affection, even when you’re upset with him. 

“YN, please,” he begs, hands sliding down your shoulders and your arms, eventually reaching your hands as he gently takes them in his, “let me take you inside, at least.”

Without looking at him, you nod, letting him help you stand with the grip he has on your hands. He lets go of one of your hands and bends over to grab your bag and jacket before getting your keys out and opening your door. You let him lead you inside and into your kitchen, you let him sit you down at your kitchen table, and you let him make you a cup of tea. You don’t take your eyes off a water ring stained to your wooden dining table the entire time, and it isn’t missed by Yoongi. 

“I didn’t mean it,” Yoongi whispers as he sits down across from you, setting your favorite RJ mug on the table, “If you want me to leave, I’ll leave, but I need you to know that I didn’t mean what I said.” You slowly looked up at him, eyes still devoid of emotion. He winced at the fact that he did this to you. “YN, you have every right to hate me, to kick me out, to slap me if you want,” he takes a deep breath, “but you are not crazy. You are not like your mother. You are beautiful, funny, smart, and the most caring woman I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. Being with you has made me a better person, and there is no one in the entire world more deserving than you of love. I’m an asshole, and I used your insecurities against you for a stupid fucking reason. I regret it more than anything, YN.” He was crying by the end of his speech, looking down at his hands folded in his lap. The left side of his lips were doing that twitchy thing they did when he was upset, and you instantly felt the need to embrace him.

Standing up slowly, you move towards your sulking boyfriend, and put your hand on his shoulder. He looks up at you, bewildered that you are even touching him. “I don’t forgive you,” you start, making Yoongi’s hope dissipate, “yet. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. What you did was fucked up, Yoongs.” You whisper the last part, eyes starting to well up again.

Yoongi pulls you down onto his lap, swinging your legs over his lap and hugging onto your middle tightly. “I know. Trust me, I know. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I promise you I will work every day to gain your trust back.” You lean your head on his shoulder, nodding your head. You weren’t about to forgive him after what he did, but you weren’t about to lose what the two of you had either.

“I love you,” he sniffles, kissing your forehead, “and I’m sorry.”

You didn’t get far before your feet started killing you in your work heels. You made it a couple blocks away before you couldn’t walk any further, and sat down on a park bench. To make matters worse, it had started sprinkling as you sat there. You didn’t have your phone, or a will to get up, so you sat there and sulked in the rain. You figured you would eventually get up and head back to your apartment and fall asleep, but for now you just needed to think. 

Tears slowly rolled down your cheeks as you contemplated your relationship with Hoseok. He is usually so bright and bubbly, seeing him so angry scares you. On top of that, he called you dumb. You knew he would never harm you physically, but then again, you thought you knew he would never harm you emotionally either, yet he did exactly that today.

You were so lost in your thoughts that you didn’t hear the light footsteps nearing your bench over the light drizzle of rain. Nor did you feel the presence of someone sitting next to you, just as drenched as you were. 

Suddenly, you feel a warmth on your knee, making you startle violently, wiping at your face with your already wet long sleeve. It was no use, you were just making yourself more wet. You jumped so hard you caused the owner of the hand to pull away instantly.

“Hoseok?” you ask, blinking through tears, lips trembling due to the cold and your emotions. Looking up at him, you see he’s in no better condition. Eyes swollen and leaking, lip red and bitten, a habit of his when he’s anxious. He has the hand suspended in midair that was previously on your knee, and he looked almost like he was afraid to touch you.

“Baby,” he mutters, though you can barely hear him as the rain starts to pick up, “please come home, you’re going to get sick. I can stay at Jin’s place tonight if that makes you more comfortable.” He sounded completely broken to say those words, like if he spoke them it made it true that he made you uncomfortable. 

At the thought, you furrow your brows. Did you feel uncomfortable with Hoseok? You didn’t think so. Disappointed? Sure. But not uncomfortable.

You shake your head lightly, reaching out to grab his hand in yours. He almost flinches away from your touch, so startled that you would initiate contact right now, but he composes himself and allows you to rest your hands in your lap.

“I’m not uncomfortable,” you mutter, gnawing on your bottom lip, “I know you wouldn’t hurt me like that.”

Hoseok looks even more distraught at your words. “But that’s the thing, I’m a fucking idiot. I shouldn’t have hurt you in any way, not just physically. It’s clear that I hurt you with my words, and I’m such a dipshit for doing so. I made a promise never to hurt you, and I broke that promise.”

He was right, he had promised that. Years ago when you first started dating, you had major trust issues because of your cheating ex. Hoseok had taken things slow with you and made sure that you trusted him fully before taking your relationship any further. You were thankful for him, thankful for how caring he was. 

Tears were leaking from your eyes again, mixing with the rain water falling onto your face. “Let me take you home, please, YN?” He sounded so desperate, so small, like if you told him no it would break him.

Staring him in the eye, you nod your head. He lets out a relieved sigh as he stand ups, pulling you with him. 

Once the two of you make it home, Hoseok leads you into the bathroom, both of you cold and shivering. Sitting you down on the side of the tub, he reaches over and turns the knob to turn on the hot water and then pours your honey bubble bath into the stream of water. The smell instantly relaxes you and you let your eyes slip closed as you sigh lightly. Before you could open your eyes, you hear the door to the bathroom opening again.

“Wait,” you rush out, snapping your eyes to Hoseok’s retreating frame. He stops, turning around to face you, lips blue from the cold. “Please,” you beg quietly, “stay.”

Hoseok looks conflicted. He looks like he wants to stay, so badly, but he also looks like he might make a run for it at any moment. “A-are you sure, YN? I can go to Jin’s for tonight, give you some space.”

“Do you love me?” The question surprises you as much as it surprises Hoseok. It slipped from your lips without your permission, giving away how you truly felt because of his words earlier. 

“More than anything,” he answers instantly, dropping his hold on the door knob, “do you think I don’t?”

Hoseok takes a few steps towards your still shivering frame and reaches out to wipe tears from your cheekbones that you hadn’t even noticed were falling. “YN, I am so sorry if I ever made you feel like I don’t love you. I was angry earlier. I had a shit day and that is no excuse for the things I said to you, okay? Don’t let me make excuses for myself. But do not ever think that I don’t love you because of what I said.” His words were soft, yet firm. You could tell he meant everything he said. Sniffling, you nod your head in affirmation. When he stands straight again and goes to walk away, you grab his wrist quickly.

“P-please Hobi,” you whimper, “don’t leave me.”

“Oh Angel,” he says, sitting on the bathroom floor in front of you, “I would never leave you. I just thought you’d want some time to think.” He spoke so softly you could barely hear him over the running of the bathtub behind you.

You shake your head quickly, “I don’t want time to think. I want to talk about it, work it out. Together.”

He smiles sadly down at you, wrapping his arms around your shoulders. “I don’t deserve you, you know?”

You return the gesture, wrapping your arms around his tiny waist. “I know,” you whisper into his chest, “take a bath with me?”

“Of course, love.”

It’s been two weeks since you’ve been back to your apartment. Since the incident at work, you’ve been consistently working from home, so you’ve been staying with your sister since you and Namjoon got into the fight.

He’s tried to contact you multiple times, sent you countless texts, and even tried to show up to your sister’s apartment about a week ago. You’ve completely ignored him, other than the one text you sent telling him you were safe and not to worry. You had packed all your essentials so you haven’t needed to go home yet, though you figure you will soon.

You were working on your laptop when you heard your phone buzz on the table next to you.

From: Jimin [2:37 pm]: hey YN

From: Jimin [2:37 pm]: can you come over?

You [2:39 pm]: to the dorms?

From: Jimin [2:41 pm]: yeah, we need to talk to you

You set your phone face down on the table. You felt like they were tricking you into seeing Namjoon. You just weren’t ready to face him yet. You knew you would eventually, you still love him with all your heart, but you really just needed time.

*Bzz*

From: Jimin [2:48 pm]: he won’t be here, I promise

From: Jimin [2:49 pm]: please

You sigh after reading his last message. You loved the boys, you truly did. You knew that they wanted to talk about Joon, but still, it was hard for you to say no to them. Especially Jimin, which is probably why they had him text you. 

You [2:55 pm]: ok I’ll be there at 5

From: Jimin [2:56 pm]: thank you!!

When you arrived at the dorms, the door was unlocked. Knowing they were expecting you, you let yourself in, slipping your sneakers off at the door and making your way towards the sound of voices in the kitchen.

When you walked into the dining area, the three men sitting at the table all turned to look at you. You were met with Jin, Jungkook, Yoongi, and Jimin.

“Uh,” you started dumbly, “what’s up guys?” You held onto the strap of your bag a little tighter, unsure of what was to come.

“Hey YN,” Jin said, getting up and walking towards you, pulling you into a tight hug, “we’ve missed you.”

You had to bite your lip to start tears from springing to your eyes. Jin was the most sincere person you’ve ever met, and you knew he meant it when he said it. It hurt you worse than you thought it would, seeing them. You missed them, too. Though you missed Joon more.

“Come sit down,” Jimin said softly from the table, “we’ll be quick. Promise.”

“Is Joon here?” Your voice cracked slightly, making Yoongi raise an eyebrow as you sat down across from him.

“He’s with Hobi-hyung and Tae-hyung in the studio,” Jungkook says from next to Yoongi. 

You nod your head and set your back at your feet, folding your hands in your lap. Jin takes a seat next to you, with Jimin at the head of the table. “What did you want to talk about?” 

All four men shared a look before Yoongi spoke up, “Namjoon isn’t doing okay, YN.”

Your head snapped up at this, worry filling your eyes. Jungkook was quick to speak up, “He’s not hurt, YN. Don’t worry. We’re just really worried about him.” He was gnawing on his lip and it made you nervous.

“He hasn’t been eating properly,” Jin whispers from next to you, “or sleeping.”

“He’s been staying at the studio sometimes all night,” Jimin says, “and he’s been staying here.”

This shocked you more than anything else they’ve told you. The reason you and Joon got an apartment is because he wanted his own space. He loved his members, but he liked time to be alone. He hasn’t lived with them in years. 

“He says the apartment smells like you,” Yoongi says, dark eyes staring into yours, “YN, he’s hurting. Bad. What he did was fucked up, but don’t you think he deserves a chance to make it right?”

“Yoongi,” Jin cautions from next to you.

“No, Jin-hyung,” Yoongi cuts in, “I know he hurt you, YN, but he regrets it so much. I’ve never, in all my years knowing him, seen him this affected by something. I’m begging you, please talk to him.”

You worry your bottom lip between your teeth, tears threatening to fall. Jimin gets up and walks around the table to you and wraps an arm around your shoulders as you look at the other three men in front of you. Nodding, you let a single tear fall into your lap. “Okay.”

You decided to wait in Namjoon’s dorm room for him to get home, while Yoongi made up an excuse for why they needed them. When you heard the front door open and the baritone of Taehyung’s voice carry throughout the house, you braced yourself to see Namjoon for the first time in weeks. 

The minute he walked through the door and saw you, tears were rolling down your face. Neither of you said a word as you ran to each other and crashed into the other’s arms. You didn’t realize how much you missed the sobbing man in your arms until you were both on the floor in a heap of bodies, crying into the other’s shoulder. 

“YN,” he sobbed, “ar-are you actually here?” The sound of disbelief in his voice broke your heart. You could feel he’s lost a bit of weight, and he looked absolutely exhausted when he walked through the door, but the brokenness in his voice is what hurt the most. 

“Oh Joon,” you pulled back from him to look into his tired eyes, “of course I’m here. I never left, not like that.”

He was biting at his lips, tears falling down his face and onto your laps as he nodded. “YN, I’m so sorry,” he says, bringing his hands from around your back and holding both of yours in his own, “I can’t believe I said such mean things to you, and over something so stupid.”

You gently shush him as you rub your thumb against the top of his hand. “It’s okay Joon,” you soothe, “we were both being stupid. You were right, I shouldn’t nag you just because I’m home more often now.”

“Please don’t apologize, baby,” he whispers, “I promise to do better and to make you happy.”

“Me too, Joon, me too.” You stare into each other’s eyes, a silent promise, before your lips are crashing onto his in a passionate kiss. 

It didn’t take long for Hoseok to find you sitting in your car in the parking lot. You locked yourself in there when you decided you were in no shape to drive, crying into your steering wheel at the events that just took place.

Hoseok had coaxed you out of the car after a few minutes and now the two of you were sitting in his recording studio, while he told you about how Jimin had been lectured by their dance teacher, one of the things that gets his self esteem at its lowest points. After the lecture, the members were practicing one of their old choreos that they would be performing at an awards show, only to have Jimin fall multiple times while doing some of the more difficult moves. He was feeling like he wasn’t as good as he used to be, and it had him feeling insecure. Right before you walked into the practice room, him and Hoseok were trying to smooth some kinks out in the routine and he was too frustrated to get them right.

You knew Jimin well, and you knew he was probably feeling terrible about himself, and now probably even worse because of what just happened with you. 

“I’m sorry Hobi,” you said, sniffling softly, “I should have listened to you.”

“No, bub,” he says reaching over and grabbing your hands, “you just wanted to make sure he was okay. None of this is your fault, okay?” You nod your head and let Hoseok’s words sooth you. You’ve been best friends since high school, he always knew how to calm you down. “I’ll go make sure Jimin is calm and I’ll have him come in here. You can have some privacy. You’re both pretty sensitive right now.”

You nod again, not trusting yourself to not cry if you spoke. Hoseok takes one last look at you before standing up and going to find Jimin.

You sit on the comfortable leather couch, collecting your thoughts, for what feels like forever, until you hear the code being input on Hoseok’s door. A moment later, you see the soft pink hair of your boyfriend poke around the corner. When he turns to look at you, he’s wearing an almost unreadable expression. You can tell he’s been crying, his eyes are a little red and his cheeks are a bit puffy, but otherwise he looks calm.

“Can I sit with you?” he asks in a small voice.

You nod your head, mirroring his unsure expression. “Of course, Jimin,” you whisper, scooting over slightly to make more room on the couch.

You both sit there staring at the other for a moment, before Jimin speaks, “Can I -”, he starts, before cutting himself off, snapping his lips shut as you raise your eyebrows. He takes a moment to configure his thoughts before he tries again. “I’m sorry, YN,” he mutters, hurt clear in his voice, “can I please touch you?”

Your heart broke at the fact that he felt the need to ask you. His hands were folded politely in his lap, making no effort to reach for you, like you didn’t want him close. Without saying anything, you stand up from your spot on the couch, and plop back down on his lap, shocking him, his hands flying to grasp your waist to steady you. You wrap your arms around his neck in response, placing a soft kiss on his head. He instantly relaxes into you, his hands kneading your sides, head resting on your shoulder as he lets out a deep sigh. You stay like that for a moment until you hear light sniffles and you realize your boyfriend is crying.

Scooting down a bit, you bring your hand around and cup his cheek, “Jimin-ie,” you whisper. 

When he looks up at you he looks so defeated and you decide then and there that you hate that look. If it were up to you, he’d never feel this way ever again. “You’re perfect to me, Jimin,” you whisper, making him scoff, trying to turn his head away from you. You don’t let him, though. “I’m serious. You may not think so, but you are so talented, sweet, and funny. You’re the kindest person I’ve ever known and I’m so lucky that you love me.”

He scoffs again, “How can you say that after what I just said to you?”

“Because I love you,” you say simply without hesitation. “I know that you were feeling insecure and anxious. I understand that you need love and acceptance when you feel like that.”

Jimin’s eyes soften at your words, another tear rolling down his cheek. “What did I do to deserve you?”

You chuckle lightly, rubbing your thumb against his cheek, “You were so perfectly you, I couldn’t help but fall in love.”

“I love you, YN,” he sobs into your shoulder, “and I’m so sorry.”

“I know, Jimin-ie,” you stroke his hair, “let’s go home, yeah?” He nods into your shoulder as you place a kiss to his forehead. 

Taehyung has posted himself up outside the bathroom door, waiting for you to come out. He wasn’t going to let this fight last. He wasn’t going to let you think he thought you were anything less than perfect. He couldn’t lose you because of his stupid and reckless mouth.

It’s been an hour since you locked yourself in there. He could hear you run yourself a bath, sit in there for a while, and then heard the tub draining. He hoped you’d be coming out soon, so he leaned his back against the door, resigning himself to sitting there all night if he had to. 

Another 10 minutes go by before you slowly open the door, making Taehyung fall backwards as he reaches out to right himself. You gasp in shock, not realizing he was right there. When he falls through the doorway, you get down on your knees, towel wrapped tightly around your body as you make sure he’s okay. “Tae! Are you okay?” 

Taehyung sighs as he lays flat on his back in the doorway of the bathroom. “Why are you asking me that? I should be the one asking you.” 

Your face falls again at the reminder that he thought you were too caring, too happy, too positive. You spent the entirety of your bath talking yourself into not being so upbeat and chipper around him. To not be so caring and to back off him a little bit. That’s what he wanted, right? He could see the gears turning in your head, so he sits up, leaning back on the palms of his hands. 

“YN, I love you,” he says softly, making you look at him with furrowed eyebrows.

“I know, Tae,” you say flatly. You didn’t think just because of a silly argument that he didn’t love you. You weren’t that insecure. You just truly didn’t want him to feel suffocated, and obviously that’s how he’s been feeling if he felt the need to blow up like that.

“No, YN. You’re too understanding,” he mentally slaps himself, “no, no. That’s not what I meant. Fuck.”

“I get it Tae, I’m suffocating you. I’m sorry, I will try to back off a little bit. I can do better.” You sit back on the heels of your feet and lean against the door frame, staring into his dark orbs. 

“Oh, princess,” he whispers, sitting up straighter and reaching a hand out to rest on your thigh, “no you aren’t suffocating me. Not at all. I’m so sorry that I’ve made you feel that way.” The look on his face is so sullen, so remorseful that you can feel just how sorry he is from looking into his eyes. “You are the sunshine that lights up my day, the only person who really gets me. You are the sweetest, kindest, most caring human being on the face of this planet, and I’ve never met someone as empathetic as you are. You are literally perfect, and I am so fucking sorry,” his voice cracks a bit as a tear rolls down your cheek at his words, “that I made you think you weren’t. I’m the shittiest partner ever for doing so, and I will spend the rest of my life making you feel wanted and as special as you deserve to feel.”

You’re full blown crying now when you lunge yourself at him, locking your arms around his neck. Sobbing into his shoulder, you nod your head against him. “I love you Tae,” you whimper, “it’s just a silly fight, right?”

He chuckles softly, wrapping his arms around you bare back, still slightly sticky from your bath, “No it’s more than that.” He feels you stiffen in his hold, so he starts to soothingly rub his large hand up and down your spine, “This is me realizing how fucking perfect I have it and making sure I never do anything to fuck this up. Never do anything to dim your light, because you are the brightest star in my eyes.”

You pull back to slap a hand lightly against his chest, smiling down at him still sitting on the floor. “Stop being so cheesy,” you mumble. He smiles at you before abruptly standing and picking you up bridal style, making you squeal. “Tae!”

“Mmm,” he moans into your ear as he tosses you on the bed and climbs on top of you, “let me show you what I mean, hmm?”

Jungkook didn’t waste any time running out your apartment door and chasing after you. He had only been gone for a minute or two, there’s no way you could have gotten far. As he walks down the street near your apartment, he calls your phone at least a dozen times, all of them going straight to voicemail. Your phone must be dead.

“Fuck,” shoving his phone back in his pocket. When he looks back up at the sidewalk ahead of him, he realizes he’s near your favorite cafe, the one with the cute Japanese trinkets for decor. Deciding to check to see if you’re there, he makes his way down the street. When he arrives at the cafe, he looks in the large glass window at the customers sitting around the restaurant, but doesn’t see you anywhere. Heaving a sigh, he turns around trying to rack his brain for other places you might’ve gone, when he sees a familiar figure sitting across the street at a bus stop. Squinting his eyes, he sees your sulking form, curled in on yourself.

Without thinking, he rushes to cross the street, only remembering at the last second to look both ways and halting his movements when he hears a car horn honking at him. Clutching at his chest, he backs up and allows the cars to pass before he’s running across the street towards you. 

When he looks back to you, you’re already standing, a bewildered look on your face. 

“Jungkook, are you crazy!?” you yell as he steps up on the curb in front of you. 

“YN-” he pants, trying to catch his breath. His adrenaline was pumping now, but he was also relieved to find you okay. “YN, I -”

“Jungkook!” you cut him off, “You could’ve gotten yourself killed!”

It takes him a moment to realize what you’re talking about, but once he catches on a blush overtakes his face and he has the decency to look sheepish. You were actually a little angry at him for being so careless, but then you think back to the argument the two of you just had, and your anger dissipates into sadness again. Jungkook sees the moment your face falls and reaches out to take your hand in his. When you wince and jerk your hand back, he feels another pang of regret in his chest, realizing you actually were hurt and he let you run out of the apartment without helping you at all. He was such a shit boyfriend. 

Jungkook huffs a breath through his nose as he reaches out carefully, palm up, silently asking for your hand. You oblige reluctantly, knowing he’s trying to help, and place your hand, palm up in his hand. 

“YN, I am so sorry,” he starts, moving closer to you to get a better look at your still bleeding finger,”I’m mad at something Namjoon-hyung and I fought about earlier, and my dumbass took it all out on you. I’m a fucking asshole.” He pulls your hand closer to his face as he talks, inspecting the cut. He saw it earlier, but it only looked like a papercut then. Now that it had bled a little more, he could see it was fairly deep, maybe even deep enough to need a stitch or two. Sighing, he closes his eyes to collect himself before he speaks his next words. “Why are you at the bus stop?” He knows the answer, and braces himself for the impact.

“I- I figured I should probably go to the hospital,” you nibble on your bottom lip, unsure why you felt bad for saying what you had to say, “I didn’t think you’d want to drive me.”

His heart breaks. He moves closer to you, pulling you into his arms and resting his chin on top of your head. “Oh, YN,” he whispers, remorse dripping in his tone, “I can’t believe I did that. I will always, always be here to help you. I don’t want you to ever feel like I wouldn’t.” He can feel tears stinging the backs of his eyes as he runs a soothing hand up and down your back. 

“I just thought since, you know…” you trail off, letting more tears fall down your face.

“I know, I was an asshole,” he starts, pulling away to look down at you, “let me take you to get that looked at, and we can talk about it on the way, okay? I’m so sorry, YN. I don’t want you to forgive me yet, I don’t deserve it. Just let me make sure you’re okay, first.”

You look up at him, unshed tears welling in his eyes when you nod your head. “Okay,” you whisper, letting him take your uninjured hand in his and walk the couple blocks back towards your apartment. You knew what he did was wrong, but you also knew that he loved you. You loved him, too. Regardless of the fights you may have, and the tough times you experience, you know you will always fight for one another. You look up at him through misty eyes while you walk, he looks back at you, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. A silent exchange letting each other know it would be okay.

[pixiedoodlein]

I’m so fucking mad that a year and a half into this pandemic I am back to 11th hour debating another year of homeschool. The first stretch of homeschool, in NYC, when the toddler was a baby, and husband was home on unemployment, was good, nice even, a quiet piece of something good when the world outside was falling apart. The next stretch, the Oklahoma stretch, with a particularly climby toddler, husband working 10 hour days, me doing remote contract work, somewhere we had no family around to help w/ childcare, was challenging. I was not always my best self. Some days were delightful, muffins and math games. Other days I was more Miss Trunchbull than Miss Honey, fractions were squeezed in between crying (usually mine) and netflix (way too much of hers), and I held on to any shred of sanity by telling myself “just a little longer, just until the vaccines.”

Well here we are. Husband & I have been vaccinated for months, but the kids aren’t yet. The upstate NY town we moved to is a very small town (pop: 838), was mostly untouched by previous waves. When we got here, I couldn’t understand why everyone was so lax about it- no masks, no panic. Our first day here, when I came home from the market and saw through the window a gaggle of unmasked kids in my living room (the neighbors coming to welcome us, they heard a kid moved in) I almost had a heart attack. In fact, I was so tired from the drive from OKC that for a moment I actually thought I was at the wrong house, that I was hallucinating, because how in the world could there be unmasked bodies in my living room.

Then I started talking to people here. And I realized that the way I thought they were insane for not being deathly afraid of covid, they thought I was insane for being petrified. Because the disease hadn’t hit here; their businesses were destroyed and their kids were out of school (in a rural area with barely functional internet, remote school = a lost year) and their lives were totally fucked up, for a disease that never arrived at their doorstep. I came to understand why they weren’t worried, why here life looked (almost) normal. I told them about what it was like to live somewhere covid tore through, the freezer trucks of bodies on the FDR Drive and my previously healthy 27yld brother so sick with it the first spring he thought he was about to die (but too scared to go to a hospital), my dad’s relative in the next NYC wave on a vent for months and lucky to be alive but may never walk again, the doctors in OKC pleading on the news to please wear a fucking mask because the hospitals were fucking full, and the neighbors stopped thinking I was psycho when I carried extra masks for their kids, and made them put them on, when I took them to town for ice cream. I never stopped masking. But we did indoor dine here (once, BBQ, it wasn’t delicious enough for how anxious I felt) and I did bring all the kids, including my toddler, to a fairly crowded children’s museum in the big (small) city an hour away, where the rest of us were masked but the one with his hands in his mouth, who was all up in other kids’ faces, the one who really should be masked, wasn’t because he won’t leave it on for more than a minute.

Actually it’s a lie to say that I never stopped masking- I have dashed into little stores here, without one, because I’m vaxed! It’s safe here! Covid felt done. We had friends come here to visit this summer. Friends who are vaxed, but that doesn’t seem to really matter enough anymore. We had the neighbors over for meals, indoors (you see, more indoor dining! A minute ago I was just thinking restaurants, but why would plagues only spread in restaurants?). They had us for meals. The girls are a crew, new best friends, making my daughter’s life here so, so much happier, constant sleepovers (their kids were at our house this afternoon; my kid is at their house right now). The parents and grandparents are wonderful, making my life here, and husband’s life here, so much easier, so much better. We help them with stuff, they help us with stuff, there isn’t a day that goes by that we don’t see each other, unmasked. Some of the adults in their household are vaxed; some of the adults in their household are not. The kids are all too young to be vaxed. But it (living, doing shit again, seeing people again) really stopped feeling scary; it really felt like everything was fine, normal-ish, normal-er. The end of the pandemic felt in sight.

I signed my child up for school here. Real school, not mommy school, school with a school bus. She was a little anxious, I had to talk her into it, I sold it hard, I bought her whatever pair of new sneakers she wanted for her new school (she hasn’t had gym class in a year and a half; for a phase in Oklahoma she wore one boot and one sandal every day, why not). She wasn’t anxious about sneakers or covid; she was anxious that maybe she hadn’t learned enough in homeschool (I am not a teacher! I did not homeschool because I am good at it or love it or wanted to, I homeschooled because I was scared of her getting covid at school and dying), that she would be behind. She isn’t behind. I followed the real school curriculum as best I could (as in: sometimes totally and sometimes not at all), and somehow, when I gave her the standardized “real school” test “at the end of the year” (aka the day I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to focus on my work or I wasn’t going to have an income, the day I’d decided we’d done as much as we could and it was time to be done), she sailed through it, this kid is smart. Smart as in needs to be in actual real fucking school to stay smart and learn and reach her potential.

She got excited- one of the neighbor kids is in her grade. The other kid is older- but the school is small, she’d see her tons. She was excited; I was excited. I registered her for school. Her new teacher sent a nice note. We all were excited. She’s never taken the school bus before but the neighbors take it and she’d be fine on the bus with her besties, the bus would pick her up in front of their house since there’s nowhere to turn around up our hill (we are VERY rural), they’d all get on and off the bus together. She has been backpack shopping. We have been discussing what she’ll have for breakfast (honey nut Cheerios), what she wants me to pack for lunch (she says just Goldfish, I say turkey sandwich, we’re working on it).

But now, 18 days before school starts here, I am thisclose to pulling her out, to embarking on another lovely (not), gratifying (not) year of homeschool, because of covid, delta. When we got to our new home in our new tiny town in June, there was no covid here. Now, our county is listed by the CDC as a high transmission area (is there anywhere in the US that isn’t?). 80% of senior citizens here are vaxed; 50% of the total population is, well below the national average. 15 cases per 100,000, in a county of 100,000. I guess this is less rampant than our previous pandemic locales, NYC (currently 25/100K), OKC (49/100K). This is splitting hairs, everywhere is bad. This is what panic does to me: are we better or worse for every decision we’ve made in the past year and a half, every decision that got us here? There are fewer cases here but fewer people and fewer vaccinated people and fewer ICU beds. We aren’t safe even here, but at least we are happy (happy aside from fear of delta death).

I don’t know whether to send my kid to school in 18 days. There will be masks but masks aren’t enough (how many masks do I make her wear? two, ten, a thousand?). This choice feels crazy— in March 2020, when that covid was mostly sparing kids, I yanked her out of school. Now, this covid does hurt kids. How much longer, how many more years, can parents be in this position to make this nightmare choice? What will hurt her more: school or no school? There are vaccines, more than enough in America. We shouldn’t be having to make this choice.

As it is, because of toddler— not because of toddler, because of being a parent to children in a pandemic— my work life, and husband’s, will be severely impacted this year, again. I can’t send him to daycare because he’s too little to leave a mask on (he won’t even leave his pants on!) in a room full of other unmasked toddlers, whose families may or may not be vaxd, may or may not wear masks (there has been a noticeable increase in supermarket mask wearing since we got here, but still not enough, is any of it enough?), may or may not be going to parties and weddings and funerals, daycare providers who may or may not be doing all the same. This means I can only apply to remote jobs, so I can be home with him. Husband has some flexibility, more than he did in OKC, but god forbid he has to work while I have a work call or meeting or work due I didn’t manage to get done at 4am or 11pm when the house is quiet. He can’t bring toddler to work with him, his work is up on scaffold, stenciling ceilings. This will be another year of me muting myself on Zooms while toddler pulls his diaper off and hurls poop at the cat. Would it really be so much harder to also be trying to teach parts of speech to our daughter at the same time? Yes, it would, but I don’t know if I can send my kids back out into the world until they’re vaccinated. I am counting the days, holding my breath, until they can be.

I used to believe in personal choice. I don’t anymore. I want this shit to be mandated, I want the government to line us up and force mRNA into holdouts’ arms, I want it to be required, to be able to function in and interact with and benefit from society in any way, shape, or form. I have been very lucky in the pandemic. Privilege stacked on privilege on privilege, to be fussing over my Zooms in my hamlet. I had been pretty pandemic perky, baking my pies and playing with my pandemic pets and (thinking about) doing puzzles, but I’ve reached my breaking point. This shit could be done, but it’s not, and I’m scared it never will be.

[oh-for-fic-sake]

The Stand In Chapter Three

Masterlist

The filming is done and the trailer is coming ,but you have to deal with some unexpected consequences of being so close to Henry. Then your mother drops a bombshell that she may have let your career change slip to one of your many overprotective brothers. Meanwhile Henry has a revelation with some help from Anya and Joey.

Warnings: Adult Situations +18, Masturbation, fluff, Swearing

A/N:so here is chapter three,as I have said before I'm trying to make this realistic from a fangirls point of veiw. this is going to be a bit of a slow burn to so buckle up guys! anyway I hope you enjoy xxx see you soon xxx

Taglist: @dark-night-sky-99 @thummbelina @sofiebstar @jellicorn05 @m3anwhil3misha @thefangirlsblog  @al-wiisa  @healojane​  @thatgirly81​ @angelofthorr @iloveyouyen​   @two-unbeatable-beaters​

As the scene was called to an end a small round of applause was held, everyone seemed to be pleased with your performance which was a relief...your performance did dictate weather they kept there jobs or not so it was safe to say it was smiles all round. You finally let loose a breath slumping your shoulders 'Keira' receded and you shrunk under everyone's gaze blushing. You looked around seeing the crew and cast. Everyone seemed happy and you hadn't forgotten any of your cues or lines. You looked down at your shaking hands as relief and adrenaline flooded your system. You'd been shaking for most of the scene but thankfully the thick material of the costume covered it well. The scene itself was...Intense the air was thick for most of it as you Joey and Henry's interactions were carefully executed there were a few small hiccups but nothing you couldn't overlook...They added to the scene if you was quite honest.

As silly as it was you wanted to cry but was desperate to hold back not wanting to be silly. You jumped looking up as you were almost body slammed into a hug, the torso wasn't to wide so it had to be .Joey. You smiled brightly as the crew began to move about the hustle and bustle of set resumed. Joey plastered himself to you hugging tight and pulling you up off the floor for a second laughing.

"See? Nothing to worry about! That was brilliant Tink's!" You laughed nervously

"Err....Thank you...Can you let me go now...Please Joey?" He quickly released you letting you turn to face him gulping as you saw Henry smiling nodding.

"H-how do you feel about us- I mean all this now then?...It- wasn't as scary as you thought....W-was it?" You glanced to the floor and took a calming breath trying to get yourself under control then looked at the man sheepishly twiddling you fingers.

"N-no it was...Fun? Almost...You know once it got going...." he smiled sweetly at you

"Good! Good that’s err yeah I'm happy you found it fun....I'm sorry about you know....I err kind of forgot how err...I mean I...I tried to be gentle but..." you shook your head at him quickly

"Oh-oh that was...It's fine I knew it was going to happen but....It was my fault honestly and it doesn't even hurt so no harm done...It- your strength surprised me is all!" You said referring to what could have been seen as a incident, in the scene Geralt had to throw Keira to a wall and pin her there to interrogate her a little, at this point in the story neither really knew who the other was.

Tomasz had said the way you were so unprepared for him to throw you back was good that your surprise and flinching added to the scene making it more believable. Henry had misjudged his strength and you'd actually banged the back of your head on the faux brick of the 'corridor' he had gone to pull back immediately fearing he had hurt you, but you kept the scene going holding him still discretely out of shot and continued with the dialogue while you still had the nerve.

Henry smiled guilty he hadn't liked seeing you wince but he was glad that you'd continued he doubted any other takes would have been as authentic he would have held back to much.

"Still...I-I will try to be careful I don't want to hurt you...Your so tiny." Tomasz came over followed by Lauren both wearing huge grins.

"Yes! That was perfect! You did wonderful absolutely brilliant....Now your not needed for filming for another three or four days today was just so we can throw out a trailer...It should be done in a day or so?" You frowned at him days?

"That’s...quick is it always that quick?" Lauren chuckled

"No...but the trailer was done we just needed clips of you all the team need to do is slot you and a few of your lines in as a little narration and thats it!...With any luck it will be released on the app by....oh I’d say Thursday morning? If they upload it as soon as they get it...But in reality it will probably be by tomorrow afternoon sometime, after covid everyone is scrabbling to get their trailers out asap" Tomasz nodded in agreement then snapped to you remembering something.

"Yes and you will be announced as Keira the same day so be prepared." You blinked dumbfounded

"A-anounced?" He smile at you encouragingly

"Just on the main official websites, social media that sort of thing...You may end up having a Wikipedia page to but we don't have much control on that one...Don’t look so worried everything should go smoothly...Speaking of everything going smoothly would you like to watch what you’ve just done?" you gulped and shook your head

"Fuck no...I...I can't watch myself-OH FUCK I-I just realized...I cant watch it when it comes out!!..." All four laughed as you yelled swearing cursing to yourself Tomasz laughed patting your back.

"Don’t you worry you can work yourself up to it! Everything will be fine! You may get more media attention due to the circumstances of your audition...We are going to let it out that you was working on set and stepped up...we are naming you as our saving grace and explaining that if you didn't step in witcher would have been cancelled, that should help you get a welcome reception...If things do get hairy we will sort it out..Now as much as I'd love to chat we have a few more scenes with these two today and we need to shoot while we have the good weather... So you go get changed and relax while you can tomorrow you start your fight choreography" you nodded receiving one last hug from Joey and a pat on the back from Henry as they turned moving to their next scene. The one you just filmed was a little further into the season then where they were up to but as they said they needed it for the trailer.

Henry took a breath he didn't want to leave you..Not yet he had only just spoke to you for the first time and for the next few days you wont see much of each other, he had a few night scenes that needed to be filmed...At night that meant he would be asleep for most of the day when you would be up and about set. Even if he did manage to drag himself out of bed he doubted he would see you, you would be busy he had your schedule...He had managed to wrangle one from of the offices had he said you'd lost yours? Maybe...But he was just excited he wanted to see when you'd both be around one another so he could prepare himself. He seemed to just be on egg shells, blundering his way through conversations and if he wasn't stammering and mixing his words he was fucking staring. He really had to get this attraction under control, preferably by having you on his arm.

That scene had been incredible for him, it was a flirtatious piece before boiling into sexual tension as he Geralt had followed the shifty witch about the banquet hall before confronting her over his suspicions. He sighed happily the grabbing and touching, pinning you it sent his  thoughts running wild, he loathed to admit it but his manhandling of you had...Really did it for him, which surprised him he has never been one for the rough and tumble outside of the bed room...or in it really sure he topped but nothing majorly rough a few slaps on the ass here and there and some dirty talk. But ...with you he could see himself experimenting you just shook him! He wanted to go all alpha on your ass!, claim his woman and all that jazz...He  just- around you he truly felt like a man's man you know? The whole 'me Tarzan you Jane' scenario wanting to sling you over his shoulder and take you back to his trailer and fuck the living daylights out of your tiny little pussy!....Fuck!

Having his current infatuation, his fantasy! Pinned and held still to the wall had really fucked him up. I mean what was so sexy about overpowering you with a single hand on your chest? crowding you with his form? leaning so close he could feel your sweet breath fanning his face Fuck me!...Everything, all of it was sexy! he felt powerful and dominant, like he was this big bear who could protect you from everything even yourself!

His only gripe was that he had to remain stoic and irritated as you flirted with him...God he wanted to flirt back let you know he wanted you in the most depraved of ways but that wasn't in the scene. Just remembering the way he had held you was already making him twitch in the tight bottoms of his costume.

It didn't take long to slip, for his imagination to cross over into delicious dangerous territory. He had felt it! The way your heart picked up as he leaned in closer with vaguely threatening words, the soft pants and gasps between your breaths the way your pupils had blown only to return to the sarcastic unamused gaze of keira. He had watched closely as your lips trembled you were quivering and he loved everysecond of it.

"Henryyyy~ oh god really what you do one scene with your precious Tink's and we loose you completely?!" Henry grunted at Joey as they made their way across set, they now needed to film a town scene.

"I'm fine Joey...Just thinking" he snorted at Henry walking around the larger man stopping him in his tracks

"Well don't hurt yourself" Henry rolled his eyes then peaked at the impish grin Joey had.

"So? Happy? I mean you did just get to cop a feel! And be paid to do it mind you!" Henry stopped and stuttered

"I-I did not!  I would never! Joey it was a scene! I didn't cop a feel!" Joey pulled a face unconvinced.

"Uhuh? So your script said 'grab her by the tits' and not 'grab her by the throat'?" Henry stopped 'what?, it fucking? Did ? Oh fuck whats she going to think? Is that why she was unprepared? You are such a fucking dick shes gonna think your a god damn pervert!'

"Hey hey woah! Henry stop slow down mate...I can see what your thinking but just back up...I was joking....Fuck ...That's it calm down she didn't seem to mind...see its fine" Henry calmed down but not by much.

"What the fuck? How am I? Whats she gonna think of me now?"

"Whats who gonna think of what?" Both men looked up as Anya approached readying herself for the shoot. Joey spoke up before Henry could stop him.

"Well you know Henry's little crush had her first shoot today?"

"I don't have a crush!" Anya chuckled at his blatant lie and patted his shoulder

"We know Henry..." she looked to Joey whilst rubbing Henry's back in reassuring circles and continued as he pouted.

"So Tink's is the one replacing whatsherface I thought it was just a rumor" Joey laughed as Henry heaved a sigh becoming a light pink colour.

"How does? We-I don't have a...Fuck it" Henry gave up resigning to the fact that everyone probably knew no matter how discrete he thought he was being. Anya sighed at the buff man.

"Henry you wouldn't shut up about her we all know..." Henry looked between them a little sheepish he couldn't help it. Joey cleared his throat.

"...yes well at one point Henry here had to pin her to a wall by her throat but instead decided to use her boobs to keep her still...and he has only just realized" Anya sighed

"Oh god you didn't? Really?...please tell me you didn't squeeze..." he full on blushed.

"NO! FUCK-I I did not squeeze...I didn't even notice not until Joey just brought it up...Its probably why she wasn't ready and banged her head, she thought I was going for her throat to push her back but instead I....Fuck sake!" Anya looked to Joey for the full story.

"He pushed her a little hard and her head hit the wall...I'm sure it was your strength that caught her off guard not your meaty palm squishing her tits..." Henry groaned running his hands over his face.

Anya sighed looking at him she could tell this was going to eat away at him.

"Look if she didn't say anything then she probably doesn't even realize...just play it by ear...if she does bring it up then apologize sincerely...All women love a gentleman" Henry sighed Anya was right the scene just naturally progressed you probably wouldn't have noticed, but he couldn't help feel bad he liked you he didn't want to blow it.

"But...but what if she hasn't said anything because shes scared of me" anya scoffed shaking her head.

"Seriously? You think shes afraid of you?" Henry furrowed his brow as she and joey laughed

"Well she must be! She always ran away from me! And couldn't look at me when she auditioned and today she had to hide behind Kal just to speak a few words to me!...I can understand I mean shes small and I'm a big guy then I fucking throw her about like that!? Shit shes never gonna go out with me if I fucking frighten her! Why the fuck are you two laughing I'm serious?!" Anya managed to stem her chuckles feeling bad for him, he honestly had no clue.

"Shes not scared Henry...Fuck really you haven't noticed?"

"Noticed what?!" Joey intercepted still chuckling, honestly it was like watching a fumbling preteen with a first crush.

"She likes you...A lot shes embarrassed" Henry frowned at them were they making fun of him? He shook his head getting irritated.

"No...she can't it doesn't make sense why would she run and be all..."

"Nervous and stuttering?like oh I font know a girl meeting her favorite celebrity? " Joey added Henry blinked what? You were a fan?

"There we go the penny has dropped!" Henry moved shifting on his feet flushing red

"She cant be-"

"She is Tee told me, shes a fan of yours Henry so she gets all shy" 'was that true? You liked him; his work so got flustered and avoided him? Fuck Cavill you dumb ass! That makes perfect sense! She hid because she was nervous, and she used Kal as a coping mechanism! She probably doesn't want to freak you out!' Henry smiled getting more confident if..if it was true then all he had to do was get you used to being around him, he could relax now knowing he didn't scare you just made you...what? Happy nervous? He was snapped out of his thoughts by Joey.

"Why don't you come along with us tomorrow...Invite her out for a late lunch? We can go as a group so technically its not a date but we can get her a few wines down her and loosen her up a bit and get her relaxed and you two can talk get to know her more!"Anya gasped

"Thats a brilliant idea we can say its because me and Freya want to meet her before our scenes together! A nice casual lunch and we can sit her next to you Henry!" Henry smiled...That was a good idea he could get to know you and not come on to strong as like a date. He nodded to Anya and Joey he would go and ask you after shooting today, suddenly he couldn't wait for tomorrow envisioning finally getting to have a real conversation with you and hopefully get you to relax around him.

You ran back to your trailer, luckily it took half the time to get out of costume then it did to get in. It only took an hour and you were finally y/n again and ready to chill like Tomasz said. You heaved a huge sigh once alone in your new home. You wanted to just go back to bed but your mind was reeling ,that had been incredible and terrifying all in one. 'But bitch you did it! Fuck yes!...And oh my god he touched you....Okay so it was for a scene so does it count?...Maybe, and he got you food! He fed you girl~...Well again not really,...Just coffee but still he thought of you? like he Ugh! How the fuck are you gonna survive this?!...Okay breath you didn't squeal....or scream or dry hump him....So today is going to go down as a win! But oh my fuck he was so strong~ like fuck he could one hundred percent rip you in half and your sorry ass would fucking drool over his muscles during and thank him after! And he was warm to...So warm and his smelt handsome...How the fuck can anyone smell handsome? You didnt know but fuck he did clean and masculine and just UGH!...Yes...Just yes girl so handsome and big and buff and....Fuck you wanted to just UGH!...Fuck...Just oh my god how are we gonna get through this with him being all growly and beefy...Okay something else....Kal, Kal is so cute and fluffy and big just like his daddy-NO! No no no stop it...Stop that right now!...He was hot though' you could still feel where he had placed his hand over your chest, the tingles he left it was ridiculous! His palm had been so hot...Like the rest of him so no real surprise...But fuck for you to feel it through the thick dress he must be hot...Which some how was more of a turn on you were wet...Like whet.

You cringed as you shifted feeling the arousal in your knickers making them stick to your outer lips it was uncomfortable, should probably take care of that.. you got up moving to the small toilet flicking off your knickers and blushed...Wow okay the man had definitely done a number on your libido...And you thought tumblr smut did you good but shit this was almost laughable. You rolled your eyes moving to the toilet wiping yourself down cleaning yourself up. It did no use you growled twitching and bucking into your hand as you moved as fast as you could trying not to fan the flames as brushing past your clit silently praying that this wouldn't be a regular thing after shoots. But you fucking doubt it! Seriously on set he was a huge growly built witcher...Who was also a frequent fantasy so yeah looks like your knickers were in for a rough ride. You whined trying to wipe away as much as you could feeling embarrassed as well as a little naughty, but to be honest you didn't feel to bad about it. Was that weird? besides if you hid it then it wont be a problem...A few months of sexual frustration wont be so bad...would it? Not like the man didn't know he was attractive so if he did ever see well...He wont blame you...would he?.

You mulled over these thoughts then quickly shook your head deciding some questions are better left unanswered. You looked down at into the toilet...If you continued to wipe yourself down you'd have a hell of a job explaining a clogged toilet...There was no dignified way of explaining a clogged toilet. So it was settled you needed a shower....A cold shower and clean knickers then a nap! sounds like a plan. On that thought, You poked your head out of the shower checking for a mini washing machine...Nada great so had to settle for just quickly rinsing them in the sink then hang them somewhere. You moved quickly pulling the cord and flipping on the switch letting the water to pour through the shower head.

You hissed as you stepped into the cubicle and the cool water hit your bare skin. You blinked looking at the damp knickers on the floor of the tiny room you shrugged and threw them on the floor of the shower giving them a quick blast washing away your own mess then kicked them out choosing to find a spot to dry them later. It was only when you stood below the stream of water that you realized just how flushed you was. Your heated skin protested to the water but soon it was comfortable and relaxing you closed your eyes trying to take a few zen moments under the cool spray willing away all your troubles.

Mainly the throbbing between your thighs it only lasted a few minuets before you got irritated huffing it wasn't working! you growled  having a quick wash hoping your arousal would settle on its own but soon you realized it wasn't going to happen and you needed to clean your still tremble core. You hissed bucking having to bite your own hand as you moved the shower head to the apex of your thighs. You whined as the light spray washed away your arousal pressing against your clit. You moaned as the cool water seemed to be just what you needed cooling the heated flesh and giving you incredible waves of pleasure vibrating along your nerves in slow tremors as good as it felt it was...not enough? It felt nice and nice just wasn't going to cut it! you grunted trying desperately to find that spot, that angle and rhythm that will take you to paradise but this shower was shit... Nothing like your expensive high power shower at home.

You whined widening your legs thighs shaking one hand was on the side of the tiny cubicle bracing yourself as you rocked and circled trying to chase a high that was slipping away as your frustration built. You hissed out throwing your head back moaning in disappointment trying to conjure an image, fantasy anything that would help but each time you latched onto one it was him and for some reason it felt...wrong and dirty. You gave up with a angry grunt quickly hooking the shower head back up and flipped it off. Getting out and wrapping a towel around you now in a sour mood. How the fuck was it easy to masturbate over him when you've never met him yet fucking difficult when you had met him... But surely it should be easier to get yourself there thinking of him, you had more to go on now. Maybe it was to do with the fact you had to face him now? either way it wasn't going to happen well not today anyway...Or was it?

It was then you decided to start going through tumblr...Probably not going to help but fuck you were desperate! you were horny and had to try, tumblr smut fics had never done you wrong before hopeful the writers would work their magic once more quickly scrolling through to your favorite smut fics and settling in the bed at the back of the bus. You moved crawling across the soft covers still wrapped in the huge bath sheet towel not caring that everything  was getting damp, if you had your way they'd be getting a lot wetter!

You flopped on your back pillows propping you up a little getting comfy you took a deep breath and spread your legs your tablet leaning on one bent leg, headphones next to you just in case a porn audio took your fancy. You started eyes scanning the words of a particularity juicy fic that you'd reread hundreds of times by this point you knew it almost word for word but still found yourself becoming turned on by the well written words, the slow build up that had you panting as you ghosted your fingers across your thighs slowly making their way to your mound, then bypassing making you shiver as you continued the journey up your soft tummy goose bumps raising along the flesh under your slight touches all the way to your chest leaving light tiny pinches on the underside of your breasts and circled your nipples letting the words sink in getting yourself ready for a promising orgasm.

You moved things along skipping a few paragraphs finding the hottest part of the chapter finally you moved two fingers to circle your tiny throbbing bud. Arching as your soft fingers rolled in small figure eights around the swollen flesh you rocked lightly and dug your toes into the covers below you trying to hold still and enjoy your body for whats its worth. Sighing you moved plucking at it from side to side pulling and tugging it this way and that as your walls began contracting wanting to be full, aching to a full body shuddering orgasm! The pleasure built faster then in the shower under your own skilled fingers and you grunted moving rocking faster. Half of you wanting to make this last, to enjoy the slow build up the other half just wanted this over, already done with this shit. You lowered your fingers leaving your clit to drift lower and rubbing your opening digging in your fingertips to give the muscles a massage treating yourself before diving right inside your arousal was coating you making it easier. You closed your eyes forgoing the fic now finding yourself able to have your own fantasy. Imagining another of Henry's characters somehow you could separate Henry from captain syverson which was a fucking god send at this point! then just as you were going to impale yourself on your own fingers and finally get your well deserved release. Then you heard it, your phone. It was like god himself doesn't want you to cum today.

Your head fell back an you kicked at the mattress having a quick paddy before wrapping your towl around you with a grunt and clambered out of bed to see who was cock blocking you. It was a good thing you got up to answer it as the tell tale 'mama' by scissor sisters blaring out signalling it was your mum and you'd be in deep shit is you ignored her. you took a deep breath and sat at the small table just by the door tugging the towel tight and answered.

"hi mum..you alright?"

"hey baby! how did it go? did you enjoy it? when can I see my baby girls perfomance? it was for the trailer wasn't it? tell me!!" you chuckled and leaned back she was really excited about all this, probably moreso then you.

"It was...It was fun I was nervouse but everyone said I did good...Didn't forget lines and stuff...Tomasz said the trailer will be out early in a few days so just keep your eye out on netflix but don't send it to me or tag me in it please...don't wanna see it yet"

"Tomasz? he is the....Bard?!" you laughed out loud shaking your head

"No director...Joey is the bard"

"So it was all okay? I'm glad I was so worried for you I tried not to call but I couldn't help it been sitting here all day worrying...And I may have...Well don't be mad!" you took a deep breath oh god what has she done!

"Mum..Mum what have you done?..You didn't tell anyone yet did you please tell me you've kept quiet!" she chuckled nervously

"Well...I may have accidentally let slip to...Well Casper? just a tiny bit...Teeny weeny bit" you froze she fucking what?! oh god oh god oh god! if Casper knows then the others probably will soon! you'd hoped to keep this away from the entourage of seriously over protective older brothers!

"MOTHER!? WHA-why? what the fuck? please tell me your joking?" she sighed

"oh I'm sorry love...But I was here alone worried...I really tried but he called and well he knew something was up and I just...it was an accident....I just needed someone to share the news with sweetheart! I'm sorry besides they will be happy for you! you know that they look out for you they just care..I'm sure it will be fine!" you grumbled down the phone to her making her sigh

"I am sorry it just slipped...I know they are...overwhelming and cocky and stubborn but they are your brothers and they love you, your their baby sister and they just want what's best for you" you sighed you knew that but they were all very over the top, fuck they are the reason your a virgin! no one would dare cross them! when you had your first kiss the poor soul was pulled off you and got a smack in the mouth since then everyone knew you were off limits. Not that your mother ever found out that little detail she thought you’d done the 'hanky panky' in secondary school like the rest of them.

"Yes I know...I suppose that was why you called to huh? to warn me?" you heard her click her tongue and hummed

"Well yes...He was happy for you, then he seemed to get antsy over the whole fame thing...And then when he realized you'd be working scenes with Geralt...Especially when he know you like the man...God for the life of me I can't remember his name! Hank-Harry?

""Henry"

"AH! yes that's it Henry the one you saw on tudors? and superman and fuck what else was he in? The spy one...fuck haha! you know its funny I should know this of by heart from all the squealing and what did you call it? fangirling? ..How has that been going by the way I'm assuming you were filming with him?" you hesitated a little

"I-err well we spoke a little this morning..From what Joey;the bard before you ask, said Henry had come to the make up early to try and make sure I didn't freak out to much...its why I stopped messaging you" she gasped

"Oh well that was nice of him...He is looking out for you then?"

"Yes to an extent...He got me coffee and was nice and he let me cuddle Kal! I sort of had really bad anxiety and kal-bear noticed so crawled into my lap...Henry let him and then Joey and Henry walked me to set...Well dragged me I ...I tried to run a little bit"

"Well thats good! You’ll need someone to help you...I guess you didn't have a screaming fit then?" you scoffed

"NO! what am I a child puh-lease I am an adult woman mother and I can handle a small crush!" she snorted at you

"I think not! you should remember who your talking to I know you inside and out! just..I know you like the idea of him but looks can be deceiving okay? just be careful there's a reason people say don't meet your idols y/n" you sighed

"I know mum...But I promise he has been nothing but a gentleman he is nice and is very supportive, he said so himself at the audition he will mentor me so I can learn on the job...I'm effectively his apprentice and I have everything under control...We wont see one another for a few days now any way...Got fight choreography for the next few days then some more fittings for other costumes then I will be on set filming more...Any way I best go...Gotta get some lunch havent eaten today yet...was to nervous...gonna chill for the rest of the day..Tomasz thinks the trailer will be done and out by tomorrow sometime so its going to get hectic"

"Okay love...If Casper calls just answer him if you avoid it you'll make him worse and he will call the others and you'll be bombarded with texts and calls...he might even call Kane....besides if you sort it out now alt least you wont have to face any of them for a while...not till you come here for filming...Or Christmas"

"Oh did they get the go ahead from brian?"

"Yes he signed a few weeks ago free reign over the woods and fells so you will be here filming I think it was for five weeks...Okay then I will let you go, take it easy be careful and I will call tomorrow okay? love you"

"Love you two mum speak tomorrow...not before eleven though!"

"Yes yes I know now go eat!"

"I will bye" you hung up and took a deep breath. shit. if Casper knew he was bound to have told one or two of the others. You got up from the table sliping on a sweater dress and some leggings before making your way over to the dining tent for lunch deciding you would feel better after some food.

Jesus Christ, it had already begun! the chefs were all over you like a bad rash, it seems everyone had now either heard you was the stand in or seen it. They were all happy said nice encouraging things..A few teased you playfully like Mathew who had been a bit of a... well you wouldn't say creeper but he didn't seem to realize that you wasn't interested, not that he asked you out but he...You knew he wanted to but no...Just no. He was nice but you didn't like him like that,  he made you super uncomfortable and not in a nervous crush type of way that Henry had. After nearly forty five minuets of a cringey conversation you finally wriggled away from him and took a seat at one of the huge tables half way through the now cold soup thanks to Mathew you got the call.

Your phone buzzed to life with your brother Casper’s face. Fuck sake!. you debated ignoring it but knowing him he would go all commanding officer on your ass and you just didn't need that. You slipped the phone in your hand.

"Hello Cas"

"What the fuck do you think your upto?!" you winced oh yes definitely his officer voice

"What do you mean? look I know mum told you and if your just going to yell at me then fuck off okay? they needed someone"

"Then they should find someone, but not my little fucking little sister...Your still a little baby"

"Don't call me baby alright? Jesus Cas I do have my own life you know? I can do what I want!" he scoffed you could feel him shaking his head

"But-but with him how the fuck? your going to get hurt sis you know that don't you? please please please tell them no, say something came up and you have to come home" you growled

"NO! ABSOLUTLY NOT!" you looked around seeing people stop and stare as you shouted down the phone to your over zealous brother.you quickly tucked your self into your shoulders.

"No I will not let them down! I signed the contract and I'm doing it! I'm keeping my word and you know what I am fucking enjoying myself! You know being an adult cos funny enough that's what I am...I thought you'd be happy for me?" he grunted

"I am happy for you! but I'm also worried, your about to be in the fucking spotlight y/n don't you see that? interviews, award shows the whole nine yards! and with no fucking preparation! no one in your corner!" you scoffed

"Oh thank so I'm on my own? because I haven't packed it in and come home like a good girl? is that what your saying? huh how dare I go and do something for myself by myself?!" he groaned and huffed down the phone you heard a thump he had obviously just hit something.

"That’s is not what I'm saying and you know it!  I always have you back just like the others you know that! I'm worried for you...I love you y/n...I don't want to see you crushed..The media are cruel and the fan base can be crueler...Please just tell me that you thought this through." you took a deep calming breath and nodded covering your eyes and leaned on your elbow on the table.

"I have...Tomasz and Lauren; the director and producer...They are releasing it in a way to let people know that if I hadn't stepped in then there would be no season two so that's one brownie point...And Henry and Joey are also on board helping me, they are mentoring me along the way and-" Casper hummed

"I'm also worried about him to...I don't want you caught up with him, I know what you think of him but he is still a man and they are only after-" you suddenly got very angry at what he was insinuating.

"Casper! Dont you fucking go there! I know bloody well what you fucking think? for fuck sake you and the others made damn sure I would die a fucking spinster, never had a fucking boyfriend cos of that stupid 'boys want one thing' bullshit at this point I wouldn't even know what to do with one! so just drop it!" he sighed it was something that all the brothers shared guilt over, they had isolated you, stopped you from having that first love and heartbreak now you were terrified of intimacy and the thought of needing someone in our life...

They knew it was their fault in some overprotective male bullshit they had basically given you a complex and ruined prospect of marriage and a family. They each regretted it and wanted to go back and change it but they can't. And it wasn't just boys they kept you away from girls to, ones they thought would lead you astray embarrassing you by showing up at teen parties and dragging you home kicking and screaming in front of your friends at eight at night trying to protect your virtue wanting what was best for you leaving you now a twenty seven year old virgin...Not by choice they had kicked the shit out of anyone who fucking blinked in your direction to this day you were still bitter about it and rightfully so.

They were out of line and should have known better, even your parents pulled them up and had many talks about it warning that they were going to give you a complex and issues later on but they never listened and there were to many of them for your mum and dad to really keep track and keep an eye on.

"Look Cas please just trust me I...If I'm going to make mistakes let me decide which ones to make okay? I'm happy and I'm going to be careful...I know you have my best interests at heart but at some point I've got to..." he sighed sadly he knew where you was coming from they had suffocated you growing up and now you were naive and that was their fault and just made them worry more and more becoming one huge nasty cycle. They want you to be happy and settle down but they still saw you as the baby sister who needed her knights in shinning Armour! And they wasn't ready to let anyone else be your hero.

"Please Casper...Just tell me your with me? That you think I can do it? I really need my family right now to just have my back" you closed your eyes feeling a huge weight on your back, you loved each and every one of your brothers and always wanted to make them proud but it was hard when your the baby of the family, you know they all mean well but...Well they are men and idiots fucking, children if your honest. You took a deep breath waiting to hear his reply.

"I've got your back Titch, always got your back and I trust you...And if-if you do get close to him and want to ...You know go for it....But same thing goes I don't care if he is a big star he fucking upsets you I will break his legs! Okay? Anyway enough of that...Don't need to think of you doing the nasty...So who you playing anyway? mum couldn't remember" you sighed in relief at least Cas would back you up when the others found out.

"keira...I'm playing keira...Did a shoot today its going to be in the trailer...Think they are releasing it tomorrow sometime so keep your eyes peeled..." you smiled you heard someone in the back ground say something ad Casper grunt and swear

"Whats wrong cas?"

"Fucking recruits locked in the boiler room...Fucking tit honestly how I'm going to manage this lot I don't have a clue...Think I should send them to Kane...He'd fucking make them shit themselves" you laughed as he mentioned your stoic eldest brother who had a bit of a reputation for being a hard ass...Well a hard ass with a stick up his ass. He was good in the army terrified the newbies, if at least one didn't piss himself on the first day then Kane wasn't doing his job right..

"Oh god your not loosing your touch are you?" he swore at you grumbling

"No I'm not you cheeky little shit!" you giggled at his remark knowing the teasing meant there was no hard feelings and continued.

"weelll I don't know...Didn't scare me on the phone earlier and if it was Kane well...Yeah Kane is Kane" he hummed in reply before carrying on in a sly voice

"Well that’s cos you think that your not gonna face me for a while but I’m on leave in two months...And you never know your only gonna be in London~" you faltered the smug grin dropped

"What the- how'd you know?" he chuckled

"Mum gave each of us your schedule from when you got the job with Tee she knew we'd want to know sooo I'm guessing that things are gonna be the same, your in Scotland now then home in sturry and the rest in London...Not that far any way I'm off take care, be safe and I will see you soon~" you groaned into the phone

"Okay then see you soon? Love you miss you already"

"Love you to Titch" he hung up and you sighed well...that wasn't so bad? was it? you smiled moving to clear up your bowl an exited the tent just missing the down trodden Henry who had just left the tent himself.

Henry was devastated after spending an hour or so hold up in his trailer sulking playing what he heard over and over again trying to work out who you were talking to he had lost hope. He had summarized  that you had a boyfriend. After not hearing from Henry for over an hour when he said he’d text, Joey decided to pop over and had sat and listened as Henry was explaining what he had just heard.

Henry was nearly in tears he wanted to shout he felt so? so? what hurt? he was upset and embarrassed he had made a fool of himself and for what? You had a boyfriend fuck knowing his luck a fucking husband!

"No I'm sure you heard wrong Henry Tee said she isn't seeing anyone" Henry growled

"Yeah well shes fucking wrong! I know what I heard Joey! they argued her and this 'CaSpEr' he didn't want her to be here! or or do anything by the sounds of it a right dick head...She popped off at him...From what she said he must have ordered her home...Fucking cunt!...What kind of a name is Casper any way sounds like a fucking prick! and then by the end 'LoVe YoU MiSs YoU AlReAdY' and they must be serious cos she was all like 'how I need my family around me' so he is already family I've got no chance Joey! The one girl that catches my eye after all this time and shes fucking taken! Fuck how could I be so stupid...You know I'm lucky I heard and didn't make a complete fool of myself and ask her to come out with us! god why can't things just fuck?...ugh!" Joey watched hesitantly he hadn't seen Henry like this before...kal was curled up smothering him and he looked crushed. Joey sighed and pulled out his phone texting Tee again explaining things.

"Casper? was that the name?" Henry nodded still furious with himself he lifted a hand up.

"What the-Joey what are you doing? look fucking leave it its done move on...She'd never like me for me anyway, They all just want a fucking superman!" Joey scoffed

"Always so fucking dramatic-AHAH! Henry you fucktard!...Wow okay fuck you know I'd leave it, fuck that..Shes a lost cause I say" Henry sat up sharply making Kal groan a jump down to the floor with an indignant huff.

"W-what did she reply? whats wrong?" Joey cleared his throat re reading the text

"Henry she has siblings...A lot of siblings"

"Yeah and I have a few siblings I don't see how thats relevant?"

"No your not with me Henry. She is the youngest of nine....Shes got eight older brothers Casper is one of them...She was talking to her brother who is in the army" Henry blinked..siblings? Oh....Well shit he didn't even think..But yes that would make sense..wow he fucked up, and lost a chance to get to know her by throwing a temper tantrum like a spoilt little boy.

"Her brother?..In the army that's why she said she misses him...That would explain....Shit I fucked up"

"Yes you did! royally! you know Anya and Freya are expecting her to show tomorrow and its like nine at night so you can't exactly go ask now you fucking twat....My god such a child hang on Mama Joey will fix this but you owe me!" Joey sighed and quickly started texting Tee Henry moved looking over the mans shoulder watching as he typed letting Tee know what they had planned she replied instantly agreeing with lots of winky faces and eggplant emojis?.

"There all sorted Tee will invite her out and we will all casually bump into one another...And for fuck sake find out her brothers names so we don't have this again! Jesus!" Henry looked down sheepishly now ashamed of his reaction, it wasn't like him to sulk or as his mum would put it 'throw his toys out of the pram' Henry leaned over hugging the singer tight

"Thank you Joey...I really do owe you....And sorry for the sulking and bitching...Just you know I really like her, and I want this to...I just got a feeling about her...I-I think she could be the one...Never got this wound tight over a woman before and...And I don't want to fuck this up!" Joey smiled and stood up.

"Well to late for that my friend however I am here to help you know that! so is Anya and Tee and Freya if Anya has anything to say about it, you'll be a couple by the end of filming I'm sure of it...Hell when the betting starts im putting money down!” henry rolled his eyes pushing Joey a bit he laughed then began again

“Look your half way there she is a fan, just gotta get her out of the whole 'Henry Cavill movie star' mind set down to a more intimate 'Henry Cavill my sexy colleague who I want to fuck-OUCH FUCK! HE-HENRY! H-HEY NO PITCHING!" Henry laughed it was true he just had to get over the initial 'oh my god its superman' then things will be easier to manage...if he can control his own nerves that is. Henry gave Joey on final hug as the singer left thanking him and closed the door resting his back on the door taking a deep breath then jumpers the three steps up to the 'living area' and fist pumped the air having a little moment.

"Fucking Get In!! did you see that Kal!?! Daddy has a date with Tinks!!! hey you hear me buddy? tinks and daddy are having lunch!!...Okay well not a date but we are having lunch....Fuck...What should I wear boy?....cant go to dressed up...but sweats are...no....Shit! Kal son I've got fuck all to wear...I DIDN'T PREPARE FOR THIS!!"  Kal barely batted and eye lid at his human as he ran to the closet in a panic ripping through his clothes wanting to find something suitable. Kal yawned and looked to the huge bed in the back of the home away from home and huffed, Henry would be at this all night fussing over matching his body wash shampoo and conditioner scent and after shave...Not that he can shave but a bit of smelly never hurt to entice the ladies.

"Kal?KAL?! Coconut or Lynx Africa?!" Kal  blinked and turned on the spot and stretched yawning slowly away from Henry making the man sigh. With one huge leap Kal landed on the empty bed, if Henry wasn't going to use it then its no use letting the comfy spot go to waste, the Akita made a loud snort as he flopped down closing his eyes, when Henry got like this Kal just tried to ignore him, the human would tire himself out eventually until then Kal would get some shut eye. he peeked one last time seeing his dad who scrabbled about yanking out clothes sniffing them to see if they were clean or not, he shrugged digging through the tops he swore he packed a dark blue button up! and he was determined to find it even if it took all night!