#god these girls made my life hell
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i was in a full 2010s romcom in my dream last night lmao. i was in some sort of school and this boy started talking to me about the? idk i think it was swordfish figurines i had? i think they were supposed to be snails. anyway he said they were cool and i was cool and long story short i got a boyfriend. i was my middle school self btw and i couldn't believe someone actually liked me and i was vibing with this boy so much, he was sweet and funny. and then one day i was on the bus and the only seat left was next to my middle school bully and her pack of mean girls. so i sat there and tried to ignore them and i was texting my boyfriend and of course they all started reading over my shoulder. and then they all started laughing and i was like what. and they told me they had asked the guy to pretend to be interested in me to humiliate me. he never actually liked me, he was dared to talk to me and date me and how could i think anyone could actually like me etc. it was all them, they just hired this guy to mess with me for fun. so of course i was devastated and confronted my boyfriend when i got off the bus, and he admitted he'd started talking to me as a dare at first but he'd grown to genuinely like and even love me, and he begged me to forgive him etc. but of course i didn't. i told him never to talk to me again and i was soooo hurt like i remember crying so much in my dream because i genuinely liked and even loved him, and i'd trusted him. anyway he tried everything to get me to talk to him again, he'd send me cards and messages and try to get us into situations where we'd have to talk to each other like getting us partnered up for art class etc, but i always refused to engage. until one day sjonnie my beloved @castielsprostate was texting me and telling me about his day and how he was at a party for his friend ils who had just gotten his degree in like engineering or something. and sjonnie said oh btw your boy is here. and i was like my boy? and he said yeah your ex. he's here. and i was like tf is he doing there why is he in the netherlands hello?? and sjonnie was like idk apparently he has family here and he's been talking about how he hurt someone he cared about and he needed to get away and find himself or something. and idk i guess i was moved by that and i finally decided to drop my wall and reach out to the guy. so i answered his latest text, and he was so happy i was talking to him, and i asked him what he was doing in the netherlands and he said how do you know i'm there?? and i was like you're at a party with my friend. apparently you both know ils who's passed his engineer exam. and he was like omg ils brought us back together??? i'm gonna kiss him!! and yeah anyway we started talking again and i said i just wanted to be friends, i needed to get to know him and trust him again. so we did that but of course i still loved him, and we eventually ended up back together and lived happily ever after the end
#this is soooo something that middle school me would dream about lol#god these girls made my life hell#i can't believe they're still haunting my dreams 13 years later#rain.stuff#rain.dreams#<- new tag lol i think i should start saving those
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GODDDDDD THIS EPISODE WAS SO FUCKING GOOD GIRL LOOK AT THIS FACEEEEEE.... hes absolutely living for this knowledge that dong soo can be so vengeful. like he was intrigued/amused by dong soo before but now hes like oh there is DEFINITELY something fucked up about that little dude and i am INTO IT... do young can see sooo clearly all of the twisted up gnarled rage inside of hds that he tries so hard to hide.. "his revengeful spirit" uggghhhhhhhh yes do young is going to hit at hds' fault lines until he bursts right open!!!! the fucking little smile on hds' face when sdy showed him the picture of moon in the car accident MA'AM? LET THAT REVENGEFUL SPIRIT RIPPPP!!!! ONLINE GAMBLING KINGPIN!!! FAST TRACK ON THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL!!!
do young is like dong soo. you freaky little attorney. take my unlovable hand in yours. lets go full no children in this bitch.
#I HOPE YOU DIE! I HOPE WE BOTH DIE!#evilive#brother i am fucking AAARUUUGGHGHGHGHHHH THHIS IS GIVING EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED IT TO GIIIIIIIVE#i fucking LOVE korea's criterion collection of 'aren't you tired of being nice? don't you want to go apeshit?' type shows#the devil judge... beyond evil... hell is other people.... and now evilive.... GOD YES#korea: would you like to watch another mostly kind and empathetic person go on a downward spiral into spite and vindictiveness?#me: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THNK YOU!!!!!!!!!! SO SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#do young is soooooooooo into dong soo .. the way he listens to him so attentively GIRL#'hiii i made your competitor get into a car accident then drugged him then framed him for assault... wna go get lunch? hehe :)'#the ONE (1) thing i beg for is please please please god let dong soo's life be threatened and do young go apeshit PLEASE#i also like that they laid the groundwork of do young's own kind of frustration/inferiority complex...#oh my fucking god its just all so good#beau watches evilive
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thinking abt how in the bible the holy spirit is represented by a dove, an animal that is pure white and represents . purity. And innocence
thinking about how in angel's egg the girl is. well. a little girl (and innocent kid) and is also near pure white in skin tone and hair and is also followed by feathers whenever she runs
warning for a massive ramble in the tags major spoilers for the whole movie if you want to venture in there lmao
#the bird is god the egg is the son the girl is the holy spiritt#the man is judas#the egg is the son (jesus) and he betrays the girl by destroying the egg when she is asleep#the water bottles are offerings to the bird (god)#the man fears god . he thinks god has abandoned them and fears a potential wipeout with the water levels rising every night#thats why he qoutes the bible passages about the story of god trying to destory humankind#thats why he destroys the egg. he is frightened of what may be inside#id say hes also scared of the girl a tinsy bit but that's just my personal understanding of his facial expressions#i think the fish shadows and the other men represent humanitys determination to live and persevere#also how desperation for a better life in times of tough can quickly turn into anger at the wrong ppl#those damn fish arent doing anything! but its the closet thing the people of the town can try and kill to earn back a sense of agency#the towns are going to keep flooding every night anyway though because they're directing their anger at the wrong thing#i still rlly enjoy the reveal that the land is actually noah's ark flipped upside down#again going into my thing of humanitys determination to survive. they couldnt find land so they live on the literal boat#does depend on whether or not you interpret the towns flooding at night god trying to finish the job and destory his creation or if its like#rising sea tide or sm. im personally more inclined to the 1st one tho#especially with whatever the hell is going on with that big sphere eyeball thing#i still dont know what the deal with that thing is after so many rewatches#i fear i never well#if you made it this far . congrats. also watch angels egg#i wanted to compile my thoughts somewhere.. unfortunately i dont think ill ever make a coherent post about this movie#its just too Like That and full of mystery for me to ever be happy with an analysis cuz theres definitely going to be a plot hole in there#somewhere so take instead.. unorganized thoughts of my brain jumping from idea to idea#angels egg#angels egg spoilers
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rant <3
#so i told my friend im thinking abt engaging more in my christian community again starting w going to church more and visiti g exchanges etc#she kniws abt basically all my other friends being more than less religious and active in their respective communities#+ my family being religious even during soviet times and she even kniws abt the orthodox side of my family#so this shouldnt surprise her this much#why is she trying to talk me out of it saying christianity is evil and she cant agree to creationism like ok bitch me too#she acting as if im gonna become some republican american blonde woman or an primitive medieval peasant wthhh#and like i get it she and her family have always been agnostic and she doesnt have any personal experience with believe and faith#but that is even more reason to shut the hell up?? especially bc i just told her as like a life update i didnt want to start a discussion#w an agnostic no less#ppl like that make me so uncomfortable and then she kept saying things like this person is godless as a joke like stfu???#and kept bringing up she csnt believe in god at random times it made me so umcomfortable#especially bc now i feel hesitant to invite her to hangouts w my more 'strict' friends like idk what she thinks abt them and i dont want to#expose my friends who have to listen to enough shit to someone like that like i want my home to be a safe space for my friends#anyways thats the same girl who keeps telling me she doesnt think im white and when i tell her her saying this makes me uncomfortable#shes argues its ok bc she is not white herself ok wth im literally german/slavic how is that not white im crying#cant really articulate what exactly makes me uncomfy abt this but feels like she wants to enable me its really weird#also with tge christian stuff like ive always been religious she kniws abt me reading religious texts its so weird to me#why are you my friend if you disagree with a foundamental part of my life#maybe she thoight i was an ok one bc me and my familys approach to believe and faith is very relaxed but wth man
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I didn’t know that they were making a movie/doc on Latasha Harlins…… unfortunately, they have a light bright playing her.
#she was darkskinned… fucking hell#this is so disrespectful#apparently the filmakers are black too#rambling#it’s bad enough that we can’t trust whites and nbs to properly cast us appropriately but we also have to constantly deal with black#filmakers doing the same shit#even her hair is… it’s not#it’s just colorism/featurism/texturism smashing all together into an ugly pile of bullshit#I hope the film is canceled because my god#do they cast light skins in these sorts of roles because they don’t think that the audience will feel sympathetic enough if it were a#black person of darker complexion… I believe so!#this is so gross#the director is a course a light skinned#casting a light skinned girl to play this little girl is… it takes so much away from her story and what happened to her#especially considering that colorism usually impacts the way black people navigate through life as they encounter non black people#and with how much more surveillance and scrutiny that dark skinned black people are usually put under vs light skinned individuals#a lot of them being mixed and even white passing#the family should sue 🗿#no wait… apparently her family approved of this film being made :(……. man…
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everytime i think im done ranting i remember something else LMFAO this one is extra long i hit tag limit god mf damn
#self#for instance.....my mom wants me to cut off everyone who is still tied to the school#and im so mad at myself for feeling a certain type of way when the campus manager called me not too long ago basically to tell me she doesnt#trust the girl who did this shit and she wasnt mad at me but was also mad at me for bringing her to her dads house#for reference we were trying to get a cat from the campus managers dads house LMFAO#and i honestly cannot wait to speak to her again and be like 😔 god dammit you were right like you were every single time#i just dont understand the wiring in her head to think the shit she says and does to people is normal and okay and how she doesnt realize it#is literally a mental health break. when i finally told my mom the first thing she said was shes probably off her medication#which.....probably isnt wrong sadly coming from someone who has borderline and very easily can lose it#but the difference is i dont give in to the urges to try to hurt everyone around me in every way i can#and me and her have said before that we thought she might also have borderline because we were very similar#but god damn does she love proving that if she has it its extremely severe or its something else entirely#on an honest note. shes incredibly narcissistic and i know her mom is part of the reason shes that way bc she was given princess treatment#her entire fucking life and then doesnt understand when other people dont treat her the same way#i hate rambling about this and i hate it that it is bothering me so fucking bad but like ???#if youre going to decide that you can put our past aside period and move on then fucking do that and stop bringing the past up as a way to#hurt me and the people around you???? she acts like shes not done horrible fucking things to people. so sorry i wrote a letter that was very#honest at the time. so sorry that when you found out i apologized for it and said i regret it because 2 weeks after my apology i no longer#regret writing it. if its making school a living hell for you....theres probably a reason for that girlfriend#i am not the person who put that shit in your folder#though i seriously fucking doubt its actually in her folder shes probably assuming it is#and youre the one who made a complete ass of yourself to every educator that ever stepped foot in that building#that has nothing to do with me that you are a literal warning given to every new educator!!!! i havent even been in school there in months#yet IM the problem??? how am i the problem when i graduated in fucking january???? everything since then falls on you#AND YET AGAIN! MIGHT I MENTION! IT IS NOT JUST MY LETTER!!! THERES AT LEAST 2 OTHER ONES!!!!!#BECAUSE IM NOT THE ONLY PERSON SHE DOES THIS SHIT TO!!!!#god sometimes i sit back and realize that theres a reason she regresses as a person and i do not#im not going to sit still anymore and let someone walk all over me and she can thank herself for that#shes who taught me that blocking and running as fast as i can doesnt fix anything#so here we are bitch. youre not blocked and im sure youre sitting at home thinking about how youre right about everything
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skam austin was ahead of its time…….
#WHY DO PPL HATE IT SO MUCH. ITS SO FUCKING GOOD#also for the last post I can’t edit it but druck would be second sometimes first as my fav remake#but like I will defend austin w MY LIFE#NO OTHER REMAKE HAD SHAY R U FUCKING KIDDING ME RN????#skam austin#skam remakes#I cannot fathom this like seriously. why do people not like it. HOW CAN YOU HONEST TO GOD PREFER ITALIA OR WTFOCK OVER AUSTIN???????????#I’m rlly defending this show in 2023 oh it’s never gonna end for me. bye#actually no I’m adding more tags I’m gonna keep going#this shit is like PERSONAL to me. it really is#I made a fucking Twitter acc dedicated to begging fb watch to renew this shit. MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY.#I have talked to the cast a bunch of times. HELL THEYVE TALKED TO ME.#i literally just wanted s3.#and y’know something? we never got a pan girl even in the skamverse… BUT WE WOULDVE WITH AUSTIN!#ugh.#being the biggest fan (which I really might be for this) for a show SUCKS bc no one else fuckinf appreciates it as much as u.#or like Three other ppl MAYBE do#b.txt
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there’s a specific catholic woman instagram influencer who keeps getting shown to me who i just want to take by the shoulders and shake. soulmates aren’t real and it’s stupid for catholics to think that, sorry
#does God have a plan for your life and might He send you a spouse? yes#but for a Catholic to believe that God made one person to be our life partner and he did it for everyone who is called to marriage and we#ARE going to meet that person and marry them is both irresponsible and also dumb as hell#like. did God just come up with this idea in the 19th century when people started considering love as something to prioritize in a marriage#all the women before then just didn’t get soulmates?#do people's soulmates get aborted? is that why so many women don’t have husbands when they want them?#she also is like GIRLS. don’t worry about waiting and worrying that you’re never going to find someone. i didn’t meet my husband who was#also my first kiss and my first date until i was 23!?!?!?! so trust in God#and like im happy for her and that doesn’t really matter to me that much but like#do you think that plays well for women in their thirties lol#i know it doesn’t cause they’re in her comments haha#how is the idea that God made one person out there for you and will allegedly put him in your path whenever He decides is right#more of a comforting idea than “there are multiple people out there I can be compatible with and eventually love#and choose to be in a relationship of commitment and mutual respect and goals and we can get to heaven together.”#especially when you’re an unmarried woman who is like thirty five#our souls do not mate there is no marriage in heaven
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naturally i’m gonna be very upset at 6:09 am after an all-nighter over my brother and his actions
#personal#not the middle one we’re okay rn and talking again and he helped me get with my new job#even tho we haven’t spoken about the door and im not supposed to know he paid for it#so good but watch out#the eldest one i’m like hey i was gonna forgive ghosting me or flaking on plans you made with me for our dad#or not communicating that you already got everything done with said dad and all i really knew was my dad asking asking asking for his#eldest son and struggling for an answer for him#and even like not checking on me at all after i got kicked out and bringing a girl back and asking me to pretend to be asleep#god i regret not sleeping in a rest stop like planned that was so much worse#and also you and other brother just ignoring me begging for help telling you i got back into my ed and honestly going through the worst#time of my life also weed dependent to just cope and also my job sucked. minor but still#but again was ready to let it go bc you were so obviously in pain at the funeral i couldn’t be mad at that#but like why. after i offered to clean up after ur dogs did you um. ask me to do it again#then cussed me out after i asked that you don’t ask on the dot of when my shifts end#and then after mom told me i was selfish while struggling with a full time job and taking care of my dying father and struggling with that#and i was just asking what ur living situation was bc i felt like. hm. being told i’m awful for struggling during my dads death is a lot#instead of just saying no you go on a rant about how when we finally want to move in with you you’re doing something else and general#shit giving. instead of again. just saying no. or hell. checking on me.#so it’s like i’ll love you until every star gives out i can’t fucking look at you bc i’m so hurt#we haven’t talked since then and im not gonna hear from him till he asks what i want from christmas or he needs something#christ last time he checked on me was a segway to helping me going about the hoarder house as he loves calling it#i can’t believe i sent him photos of our dads writing saying i love you and his only question was is it still hoarder central#i was gonna type something mean i’m gonna lay down#i don’t want any gifts why would i want a gift. told him that i was hurt and didn’t want a gift my birthday and he responded and it’s gonna#and he’s didn’t respond*#be the same game during christmas#you brought a girl over on such an awful fucking night for me why would i want a gift#and it’s not like he hasn’t been there and doesn’t love me it’s just i’m hurt#and it’s not like he had all this space and my other brother and i never used it! i got kicked out and stayed a night!#other brother moved in with you! sorry circumstances led to me staying longer! just say no!
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isn't it funny that a 24-year-old man wanted to date me when i was 14, told me he liked me a lot, helped me talk a friend down from su//icide before telling me i did good and i was cute
isn't it funny that the girl i was 'dating', while only 16 herself, sent me borderline l*li/sh*ta porn and explained to me what she wanted me to do in the image
isn't it funny that we were talking about who would top, how it would work, what we would do
even though i wasn't sure how to feel
#nccsa vent#honestly? only reason i didnt i didnt date that guy was BECAUSE id been abused before. i was too afraid#but she kind of lured me right in#i really did love her. in the only way i could i suppose#but she wasnt nice to me either#and uh... even though i didnt date the 24 y/o guy who was also involved i did keep talking to him... he made me feel important#until he turned on me too. that girl broke up w me for him and after that it all went to hell#neither of them are still in my life nor do i know what theyre up to. thank god. that guy was a textbook groomer#actuallyabused#actuallytraumatized#god. its so hard not to feel... silly? like i let it happen#i know its not my fault but its so hard not to feel like i let it happen. esp since i recognized what HE was doing but not her
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I get a lot of "omg you're so nice and non-judgemental you're such a good friend" and "omg dude you're way too nice to this asshole they should not be your friend" from irl friends and family and I don't know how to say this but uh, if you had friends like I had when I was a preteen you learn to count your blessings real fucking quickly and stop being choosy on who you befriend. The bar is six feet under by now if they don't encourage the entire class to boycott me it's a win.
#fweeet#my mom was appalled at the amount of... questionable friends i have these days and this came to me#look some of the friends i had when i was 10-12 included:#2 different girls who on seperate occasions forbade me to eat lunch with anyone else because they got jealous#a group of kids who lowkey for some reason were really into touching eachothers butts??????????????#a girl who made constant sex jokes as a 10 year old and once wrote a story where i got... uh...#two girls who got into an argument so heated they exchange kys notes#THIS BASTARD OF A KID who tore my lunchbox in half and laughed at my face#(also the only person in my lifetime who found a way to bully me in my spine brace with...#lets just say its very painful and i hate being pinched now)#OH MY GOD THE LIST NEVER ENDS#THIS ISNT EVEN INCLUDING YE GRAND MIGHTY YANDERE MOTHERFUCKER SUPREME#THE ASSHOLE WHO HAS MADE QUITE LITERALLY A THIRD OF MY LIFE A LIVING HELL#anyways people ask me why i can stand so many 'fake' people and assholes nowadays especially if theyre my friends#and you see#at some point in life ive learned to think to myself Hey at the end of all things at least im not being actively doxxed on youtube again#mom i understand your concern but i have to unfortunately inform you my current friends are probably the sanest people ive ever met in life
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found pictures of me and an old friend i haven't spoken to since i was 17 this isn't gonna be good for my evening
#jesus christ i can't believe it's been that long#we were so close and then one day they just decided to stop talking to me and all our other friends#except the girl who bullied me and made my life hell#but now i don't even know if i resent them for it because i'm pretty sure they were going through something i didn't really know about#and it's been so long i can't even be bothered to hold a grudge anymore#the problem is if i wanted us to reconnect the responsibility is on my shoulders because i've changed my number since we last spoke#and i didn't have instagram or anything when i was 17#and i just know it's not going to be how it was before because i'm so different now and there's nothing i hate more than trying#<- to build up a relationship from the beginning#and i don't even know how to go about it since it's already broken down#but i don't know if i want to lose them forever because they were one of the two people i was closest to in school#and they stuck by me when i got horribly bullied#i just don't know if i can stand the idea of trying to rebuild what we once had and failing :((#oh my god i never normally get this emo on fucking tumblr wtf is wrong with me#anyway#how to be cringe 101
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something about how first loves are going to have your heart in their fists, tight as a vise, and you'll simply be relieved to once again feel their hand
#i thought i'd gotten over him#i tried moving on with girls and guys and it Worked and.#then i saw him and his hands. oh god his hands. i mean this in the most reverent way possible#thought i'd hate him forever but really i just want him to hold me again#it's weird#he's my worst enemy. he made my life a living hell. he betrayed me in the worst way and shattered my heart.#he's also my very best friend and the only person who knows all my humiliations and happiness
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sobs and sobs and sobs
i love her
#god#the last time i loved someone like this it…. was not good#i repressed it. she was my best friend. my friends kept joking that we should get together. it was a HOT MESS#and it hurt so. fucking. bad.#but this is so different and it’s just-#i can touch her and kiss her and hold her and be with her guilt-free and i can tell her that i love her more than anything in the world#instead of just whispering it to the sky late at night when i think no one can hear#and it’s just hitting really hard#i never thought that i would get to have this?#i thought i would have to choose- either i could repress being not a girl (and be miserable) but have someone who loves me#or i could embrace being not a girl and be alone for the rest of my life because who would want me like that#and i just- she kissed me and then called me theo and i just broke down in tears#and it was after that that she told me she loved me#and it made me cry so much harder#because i guess this is the beginning of realizing that i CAN have both#i can be theo and i can cut my hair short and i can hide my chest and i can wear whatever the hell i want#but i can also have the girl of my fucking dreams who loves me just as much as i love her#god i’m such a sappy bitch right now#and i wish i could work up the nerve to tell her all this#and i know i will eventually it’s just scary right now#but. yeah#in love for realsies i suppose#gayte
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Skypiea time part 2
She is a woman..... this is sanji's influence... in whiskey peak his slashes were non gendered
Ace just letting himself get pushed into the river like aight my bad I will take my punishment.... he really is so well mannered (it sounds like I'm talking about a dog)
Conis showing that nami influence.... gfs....
Nami and luffy twins moment look how relieved she is... this whole fight is so theirs...
Also how funny it is that the milk girl gave ace a shirt.... also new pants??? She must think he lost the shirt in the river.... no girl he is just a slut...
Nami: okay ❤️ yay ❤️
Noland just thinking about where karugara is and if he is alright in his EXECUTION!! SICK AND TWISTED
OMG BOUNDMAN INSPO????
NO ACEEE NOOOOOOOO
THE END OF ACES STORY IS THAT THE COFFE IS NO LONGER BITTER BC THEY SERVE IT WITH MILK AND WHY AM I EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT
#luffy carrying karugaras will to make cricket hear the bell tolling.... god.... but i think i missed why he knows there is a bell#luffy is smart idk if enel mentioned it or he connected the points between the ones cricket had#and right now i get my answers... damn you oda... cricket making sure he sends luffy where he wants to go so now luffy will get him the bel#nami and her waver are literally invincible... i miss it where did it go.... she and the waver and zeus could take down big mom i am seriou#robin watching the ruins be destroyed... if she could get her hands on enel i onow it would be gruesome#i just will never get over how the people just start praying to god to save them and luffy does like that is insane it is too early#did oda had nika in mind already (by old sketches he did) or some concept of it like what the hell chapter 297... and so explicit...#on the second read it really sticks out like damn.... foreshadowing and also a lot of lore starts here its amazing....#HE LITERALLY MAKES IT SUNNY AGAIN LIKE WHAT ARE WE DOING!!! HELLO???!!!#luffy doing like noland did and making god worthless... i mean different instances but the god the shandians praised was very much like ene#omnipresent and vengeful. have to keep him pleased if you dont want to suffer his wrath etc...#and then the god the people pray to save them is luffy (even if they dont know) which does good and asks for nothing in return.... yeah....#cricket was so worried about them omg.... crying and everything knowing they are alright and also made his life worth it like damn#now everyone comes back to life yeah yeah weve all seen it... only luffy knew a good party could end a 400 year territorial feud#you know the fact that netflix could use skypiea to make a insensitive tasteless two state solution reference with this makes my blood boil#<- very tangential but alos very real solution bc i do not trust them to be critical bellemere said stealing is bad. what next#robin learns about ancestdal weapons and says tss... whatever this isnt history jadhiansksns#so roger followed its guide?? so he was looking for the weapons too?? my axis mundis theory makes sense ajdianiskanao#nvm roger took the poneglyph with the history i guess... thats more boring..... roger took the info on the poneglyphs to laugh tale??? okay#THE COOKS ARE THE GIRLS PARENTS.... I THOUGHT IT WAS THE CAPTAINS DAUGHTER!!! OOOOHHH THAT IS EVEN BETTER THEY ENJOYED ACE EATING SO MUCH 😭#aokiji is the strongest man in the marine headquarters... so that was a fucking lie....#reading one piece
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actively live laugh loving through a crisis of sexuality except its not in the fun way (the fun way is: oh my! am i gay? i should find a hot dyke to experiment with)
im twenty three years old i cannot seriously be wondering whether or not i like boys. i already did this shit in middle school like can we not
#bro i literally did conversion therapy about this shit 😐#if it turns out that im bi im gonna be so mad like im not even kidding#a year or two ago i had this little blip of a moment where i was like... surely im not bi... right?#but i was in a HAPPILY committed long term relationship so i was content to just like. never examine it too deeply#bc i was like. well its not like im going to be in a position to find out so it doesnt really matter lol#but now im wicked single and its like ive been pressing “ignore” on a pop up for too long and now its gotten to a point where its#completely unavoidable#do i like men!!!!!!! fuck if i know!!!!!!!#its not like i can just find a random guy and be like hey can we make out real quick i need to check something#bc im so legitimately terrified at the idea of being NEAR a man like that#but being scared of engaging with men doesnt mean that you're incapable of being attracted to them#like. i know i like women. thats easy to check. can i see myself spending the rest of my life with a woman. yes. check.#is the idea of being intimate with a woman appealing. yes. check.#like i know that shit. its not even a question.#but with men its like: i dont fucking know!#can i see myself spending the rest of my life with a man? no. because the idea of that hasnt even been on my radar since i was fourteen#like. it was either i was going to end up with a woman or i was going to be celibate for the rest of my life.#and any thoughts of “ending up with a man” before that are those of a girl who grew up in a heteronormative society and didn't know another#option was even fucking possible!#god and as for being intimate with a man. i dont know! “does it excite you?” i dont know!!! i have no fucking clue!!#and the fact that i dont have that gut reaction or desire is what made me feel so sure about being a lesbian#but i legitimately dont know if i have the capacity to feel that way#and like... i wont know if i dont check. but how the hell am i even supposed to go about doing something like that???#is this comp het?#i dont fucking know!!!!!!!#whatever it is its not fun or sexy and its REALLY killing the vibe
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