#hElP I aM oUT of ConTORl

[crocuta-corvax]

SPICY ART UNDER CUT - UNDER 18s DNI ------ Maybe you asked too many times, maybe he was just in a particular mood, but you asked him again to see him without the bandana. Now you're slung over his lap, his bandana wrapped around your eyes, your hands gripping tightly to his plastoid boots as he turns you into an absolute mess with those beautiful dextrous hands of his. And it's an absolute kriffing shame, because you can't see how wonderfully tousled his hair has gotten as he watches you become undone under his touch. ----- LAST WARNING! SPICY ART UNDER CUT - UNDER 18s DNI

ahAhHAhaaa... this took so long im so sorry but i got a fancy new pen display tablet and it jsut kept getting more and more detailed- i don't normally do backgrounds man :'3 @moodymisty because i know you're gonna wanna see this

[mycomori]

i love waking up after my first day at a new job where i actually left feeling good for the first time in a month and i planned tot ake a nice shower and lay in bed until i fell back asleep w my cat and just have a nice morning to myself but instead mh mom calls and says she’s coming over to do paperwork so we sit there for an hour doing that and then she hits me with wanting to go to a therapist and talk about shit or something like hwo im a failure at being a person cause she listened to some parenting podcast and i’m just resigned like yeah whatever makes you feel better and now i’m jsut alone in mh room silently crying because i can’t do this shit anymore i know she means well and i should just be thankful to have soemone care about me but i feel so incredibly alone i can’t be muself with anyone no one knows how fucning broken i am no one knows how much i’m struggling every coming day i wish i wasn’t so good at hiding it i can’t hide it on my face i know i don’t come off as happy because i jjst dotn have the energy to mask it anymore but like as far as how severe my shit is sometimes j wish i would act out just like i should have aches out as a kid like fuck man i don’t know what to do but k am so so so close to breaking i don’t know what but i need control so fuckjng badly and i an do out of contorl i cant do this once i get into a routine again it’s time to focus on loosing weight because i can’t frasi at anythjng else to help me cope and tahts the thing no one will really question cause i got fat anywyas so

[mccarthymolly]

ur saying ur btr child than me,j,,l,,

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[book-of-hallownest]

if u've got any dreamer hcs i am LOOKING

COMING RIGHT UP

Aight dreamer hcs, or in which they are all say; fuck the pale king.

Herrah

• okay first things first she’s married to Vespa. Sorry I don’t make the rules.

• Can absolutely beat the shit out of a nosk.

• The logical explanation for herrah’s bargain with the pk was for creating a heir for deepnest. But in reality, herrah just wanted a daughter.

• Seems like a stoic, no bullshit person at first glance, but she cares about those she loves a ton.

• herrah hates the pk. No questions asked. All of the dreamers had some idea where the vessels came from, and herrah hates having to stand by as children are being killed. But she still has bargain to fulfill.

• adopts the vessels if she wakes up, those are her kids now sorry.

• she gives them love and affection, but also knives

• bi, that’s all.

• she and the mantis lords have a friendly rivalry going on!!

• the only reason herrah let pk build a tramway at the end of deepnest,!through the basin and into the kingdom’s edge was because it led to to her the hive,, which is much more convinet.

• imagine the nail sly weilds, make a needle and make 2 of them. That’s what herrah uses in battle. When hornet is older she plans to give her one of them.

• The cloakish thing she wears over her head was intended to be red but all the dreamers decided to match.

• level headed of the two dreamers, she’s more accepted the fact she is probably gonna be killed by this vessel than the other two.

——

Monomon

• she is a refuge form another kingdom,, and she brought all the jellyfish with her!

• she doesn’t have a face under her mask, she simply wears it to better fit in with the citizens of hallownest, her ‘face’ is just a core like the ooma and uoma have!

• *presses face to mic* she says trans rights and there is nothing you can do about it.

• quirrel is like her kid, and the only reason monomon hasn’t blew up hallownest with a experiment.

• Self project time as well; she tries to start a million projects at the same time, and feels bad when she can’t get to them all at once,

• a bastard, but in a professional way. Like the true facts series by zefrank1. This is litterally her change my mind

• probably really good friends with lurien! Mad scientist and the brain cell of the entire city,,

• Uumuu is her proudest projects!! They were originally meant as a bats base of sorts, but since the seals were place they were corrupted by the infection and now defends monomon,,

Lurien

• nb lurien,,

• I’m stuck between making them a dragonfly or a butterfly- something that flies.

• he’s actually the oldest of the dreamers; being one of the first bugs the pk tested his gift on.

• durring the creation of hallownest, he played a vital role in helping create a government and structure of the city, which got him the watcher title.

• hot take; they aren’t a pk simp. While they remain loyal to the pk, they question the pk’s actions a lot, and now resent him a lot because of the void experiments. His loyalty begins and ends with the city.

• He has one eye dude to a genetic mutation, he wears his mask all the time because he is self conscious about it.

• also, he does a bit of soul magic, while preferring not to resort to it.

• projection time; hot cocoa,, all day everyday. He’s expiermening to create the prefect cup of cocoa.

• honestly, he does not want to be here are much as you do.

• also he’s really passionate about paintings! He’s more of a hobbyist landscape painter, most of his works of the city,, but legends say he has a couple of fog canyon.

• he has some idea of the soul sanctum was doing, and in the latest hours of the knight, he watches the sanctum to try and gather proof of their wrongdoings. But he was never able to he was put to sleep.

• the watcher knights are his body guards, kinda being the governor of the city and all.

• a anxious introvert; their best friend is probably his best and only friend. He selects a corner in any social environment and stays there until he can leave.

• left handed,,

• lurien wishes for the seal to remain. If the pure vessel wasn’t hollow then this vessel certainly isn’t. He is also somewhat afraid, considering he cannot contorl what happens once he’s gone, and he doesn’t know where he will go once it’s over.

——

Their dynamic is like

Monomon; I can fit 50 tater tots can I fit in my mouth

Lurien; monomon please, you are a threat to society-

Herrah; and a coward, do 100.

Monomon; actually I cannot fit any! I don’t have a face.

Lurien; this is why you are a threat

Herrah; ....

[fleur-de-jasmin-fdj]

Trapped in glass

AO3

Ladybug was stuck in a glass box with her pun loving partner, Chat Noir. He already have used cataclysm so he clearly can't get them out.

She didn't want to be with him. Not now. Not after what happened a week ago. She was-

"You have been avoiding me all week," he announced.

She was doing...that. She couldn't face him after she found out. She needed time to process. It's not everyday it turns out that your crush also happens to be your partner who you were rejecting.

"Right now is not the time, chat. We have an akuma to defeat," she attempted at changing the subject.

"I am sure Rena and Caracpe have got it under contorl. And we are stuck anyways, we can't do anything. So, I just wanted to know why you have been ignoring me, Marinette?"

Right, she had brought Rena Rouge and Carapace to help defeat today's akuma. Their dynamic is breaking down with the lack of communication so they needed the help.

She sighed, it was clear that he was planning on talking about the elephant in the room. She couldn't blame him. She had avoided him as if he was a plague, even Alya and Nino got suspicious and started asking questions.

"I wasn't ready," she answered. She wasn't ready to tell him that she freaked out because he happens to be her crush. He obviously doesn't see her as more than a friend anymore.

"None of us were ready, m'lady. It just happened," he was right, the reveal happened by accident. "But we needed to talk about it. I know your disappointed it was me," he continued, voice filled with hurt.

"I am not disappointed! How could I be? You on the other hand, must be disappointed in me."

"Non sense, I am glad it's you, Marinette. Your amazing and talented, of course you would be ladybug," he replied sincerely, a smile tugging at his lips.

She couldn't help but smile too. "Thanks, kitty."

"Your welcome, buginette," he smile started to drop "but I don't think you not being ready is the only reason."

"What noooooo, there is no other reason," she lied, trying to sound normal.

He chuckled, she was so Marinette. It was cute.

"I know your lieing, princess," she was his partner, his other half, of course he would know she wasn't telling the truth.

She can't bring herself to confess to him. They fell into silence. Even after all what happened, their silence was comfortable. They could hear the noise from the akuma attack from the distance but neither of them moved.

Ladybug turned around and made eye contact with him for the first time this week. She missed looking in to his green eyes. His eyes are a beautiful emerald green and they shined with life as they meet her sapphire blue eyes.

Neither of them spoke a word, looking in eachother's eyes looking for answers and speaking unspoken words. Chat was the first to break the ice of their silence.

"Whatever your reasons are, I will always love you, Marinette," he looked at her like she was the sun and the moon.

He loved her. He loved her even though he knew she was Marinette. Adrien loved her and she loved him too. All what she has to do is confess to him.

"I-i lo-," her confession was soon interrupted by a loud noise. She sighed, confessing to him must wait, they must find a way get of here so they can defeat the akuma.

"Plagg, claws in," he detransformed, getting some cheese from his pocket for Plagg before transforming back and cataclysming the glass box, freeing them.

"Why didn't you do this from the beginning?" she asked.

"I am not ready to spend another week with you ignoring me so I figured if we stayed and talked, we will reach to an agreement," he answer, a grin plastered at his face.

"You are so dead!!"

[siderealxmelody]

Fate

@summonshadcw

Feliks was agitated, he was a bird chained to a rock - the air and land just out of reach. He spun on his father.

"I am going."

"You will die."

"And? You act like death is something I should fear! I will not let you keep me here like you have her! I will go, Yarowmir is good - he will help -"

Feliks nearly stepped backward as their father advanced on him.

"It's a fools errand. They will use you and kill you. They are mortal Feliks, they will -"

"I don't care. I rather die by their hand than be trapped like this."

He strode from the room, and down the small hallway to the Garden. It was a pitiful excuse for one - it seemed smaller and smaller the more they grew.

He had cursed inwardly hearing her cries before he saw her hidden in the roots of the tree. He had knelt by his sister's side. She shook her head, clinging to his wrists - elbows, anything she could reach.

"Don't - please don't leave me Feliks."

He sighed and kissed her forehead. At 16 she should be at the balls or studying in one of the libraries. She shouldn't have her whole life chained to this damn tree.

"I'll be back soon. I - Yarowmir is seen as forward thinking, or the very least blessed. He has a Firebird as his consort - perhaps she will know something that we don't."

That our father refuses to tell us.

He held her hands in his, they were bonier than they'd been a week ago. He frowned, maybe he should stay. If she tried to starve herself again...

"S - Soraya, her name is Soraya. I can feel her soul if I think of her. Warm and vibrant, a burning sun or the hearth of bonfire."

Her eyes had closed, he allowed a rare smile. He understood why their father was so scared for her. If anyone knew...if they had an inkling of the kind of power she held. They'd been other rare abilities over the years. Those who could sing so beautifully to entrance someone. Those who could hold the sun in their hands...or weild the energies of the moon. But she and that shadow she seemed fond of were unique.

"I will free you from this prison Anastasiya. Just stay strong for me...please?"

She had opened her eyes and nodded, a hand on his chest as she touched his heart - his soul underneath. He didn't like that she was trying to comfort him. That she was trying to ease the shame and guilt in his heart.

But he didn't stop her, it was one of the things she could contorl of this life. Why deny her a simple pleasure like this?

"Just, just stay alive....and bring me back some books? Father keeps finding the most dull ones."

He had laughed and nodded hugging her tightly before he'd shifted into a hawk and flown off.

----------

He had meant his words and the Firebird - Soraya had been helpful to a point anyway. He frowned, that thing was more powerful than him and yet even she refused to take up his cause.

If this tree was so important why not she gaurd it? Why force his sister to dreadful task? His eyes scanned the treeline, picking up even the smallest details.

He turned to his men and nodded at them.

"Sleep, I will stand gaurd."

He'd been with them for six months and so far they'd felt more like family than his father and the other Monks ever had. He felt almost guilty for enjoying the reprieve - almost.

He moved to the treeline when the last of his brothers fell asleep. Years of watching Anastasiya work and he could pinpoint the moment when the others shifted into a deep sleep.

He scanned it again and frowned.

"I know you're there boy, come out."

To his credit the boy didn't seem particularly happy to have had to hide in the first place. He looked to his brothers...was it envy? Rage?

"Your the Shadow Boy aren't you?"

The boy looked about 16, around his sister's age as well.

"What's it to you?"

"I have a message for you. You knew my sister, Anastasiya yes?"

He saw the brief spark of recognition before the boy snuffed it out.

"What of it?"

"Your both of age now. She said once you both married as children."

He scoffed softly looking to the stars, feeling the gentle breeze brush through his hair.

"Are you going to tell me to treasure her and not break her heart like in the books?"

So he liked books too...interesting. Maybe he wasn't a total fool then. He opened his eyes and looked at him.

"I won't make it out of this campaign, or maybe I will. But no, no I am not going to ask you not to break her heart like in the books. I'm going to tell you to never go to her, to never contact her again. She is chained to that damn tree and I rather she not know you anymore than she already does."

He wasn't scared of the shadows, maybe if he'd been younger he would be. He'd seen so many other inexplicable things - this didn't matter now.

"You think I am evil like everyone else? That I am an abomination is that it? That I am an ill omen?

Feliks sneered, so much for not being foolish.

"Not everyone's decisions or reactions to you have anything to actually do with you boy. She wants to be free, to feel the things kids your age dream of in the silent nights. She wants to know another the way a couple know each other. You are temptation, you will hurt her more. If she - it hurts her if she tries to be away from The Tree Aleksander. If you care for her at all...stay away."

Maybe if he used the boy's name it would stick in his head. He turned and walked back to his men. Maybe the warning wouldn't matter, maybe it would all be okay. Maybe he'd find a way to have someone else make the deal their father did.

----------

"I forbid it. You cannot go to -"

"You don't control me!"

The tree whipped around as she did, buoyed by her anger pinning her father to the stone wall. He didn't look surprised just exhausted.

Anastasiya eyes went wide and her fear took precedent, the tree's branch withered away. Back to the earth and soil from which it came.

But not before her father pricked his finger on one of the thorns. She shuddered, she felt something ripple through her.

He smiled at her sadly and showed his hand, they were slowly fading to nothing, to the dust from which it all grew from.

"Only another Tel-Harshai, another Soul-walker can take the oath. I have held it for this long till your ready. Go, say your goodbye to Feliks. But come home - if it it not bound, if the Tree has conduit -"

"It will wither and the Blight will come again. I - I know."

She wanted to thank him, to reassure him she'd come back. But she didn't reply, this world could die for all she cared. She'd survive it, just like her grandmother had. Just like their line always would in the end.

Immortal in a world of mortals.

She moved through the crowds, slipping into the shrine of his temple. There wasn't even a body to bury, or mourn. All that was left of her brother was a stone Chapel carved into a small clearing.

At least it was quiet, at least she was alone here. She sighed and knelt down on the stone. She wanted to say things, to speak to him like she had before.

She was 24, the age he was when he'd first ventured out. She wondered if there was anyone who mourned him. Had he had a lover? Children?

She could guess why he'd never brought anyone to her - she could see them. Their deaths, their fears -

She whipped around when she heard a twig snap. She inhaled slowly and stood.

"You."

Maybe that's why Aleksander had always appealed to her - she couldn't see his soul. She couldn't know anything about him.

It was - it was comforting in its own way.

She looked to the iconography around her, her nails digging into her arm.

"They were selling his bones in the market. He - he hasn't even been dead a week. What despicable, horrible people."

She sniffed and brushed the tears away looking back at him.

"They killed him, all for what? For helping them survive the famine? What kind of recompense is that? He - he was the only family I ever had. I'm sure my father had others...but he's the only one I -"

She shook her head and turned to light a candle. She could feel him still at her back. A dark shadow, vigilant and still. She wondered if for a minute that it was her shadow come to life.

Wasn't there some story of a person's shadow coming to life to protect them? To be their friend when no one else would? She swallowed back the hysterical laughter threatening break free.

"Did - did you know him? Did you ever speak to Feliks Aleksander?"

Did he remember her name? Why did she matter - it's not like she could stay or do much or anything after this. It wasn't - she didn't even want that did she? She had never had that inclination but then again, it's not like she'd been around anyone her age...and if she did? Whose to say it would be with him? She was sure someone had said too much power in a bloodline spelled disaster or something for the world - it broke the balance. Or maybe she just knew that because The Tree did.

[somberthoughtsseldomeffort]

June 30th, 2021

     This morning i got up and had an overwhelming desire to like clean and it felt really good doing so. I took a shower, i folded the laundry, put the dirty clothes in , cleaned the counter, the toilet, vacuumed and washed the dishes.       I woke up today not very much hating life, but appreciating the things around me. I wanna start by talking about my current day instead of reflecting on yesterdays problems. I realize I look back on the past too much, and not nearly enough looking towards the future/presence. I wanna change that, i wanna change myself as much as possible.      Mentally i wanna focus on myself, I wanna be able to take things with a grain of salt, that life, things, people, energy are things that are out of my contorl but i can control how they effect me. There is no point on holding on to anger, pas regrations and just general things. I need to be able to move on from temporary things and relaize i am what i will have at the end of it all so just worry about yourself.       I am prepared to fully hermit and just truly go after what i desire, i want to go to mt charelston more, i wanna have brisk walks i wanna have a picnic up there just cause. I wanna have a clean kitchen, i wanna have a healthy mentallity i wanna just generally be happy.       I wanna start just daily enteries to help continue in the direction that i am heading in.        This is kind of embarassing really, but i just hope everyone that folllows me has long forgotten about tumblr and just lets me be lol        And if youre reading this welcome to a new series of my jumbled thoughts. I cant wait to look back on this when im 60 and laugh at all the minor things i thought that were huge 

[babyawacs]

publish how often this fraudsystem endangered wife maron hoooowmanyti mes while quelling anyinfo  .@law @law @harvard_law .@harvard_law @ap @ reuters @bbc_whys @france24 @haaretzcom @bild @phoenix_de @wired @wire duk hooowmany of the incidents were obviosuly fail of protect im murd er xray radar muderbeam tricked this verymoment in a bgb roomrent co ntract insuch conditions shuffling scums andharms charging that hooowmany times didthey take onthe support system because theyare gui lty liable daytime charged anytrick and decoy but immunise? evenif d aytiem???!?!?chargingit?!? and give back whats his???? what kind of system doesthat whatkindof system wants to know l e s s ss s s what the scums do in such conditions hooooooow many times did they t ake on wife instead quellany info but triestofind tricks to cutherdown while allalong obviously fraudsystem caused mess a fail guilty l iable causing authorities daytimecharged repeatedly make it inth eir fucking lowranks fluctuation sucker clownsuckers this is a fraudsystem botch this is a german government +timecontrol accomplc ie caused mess which shuffle cockroachproxies any decoy any harm they getawaywith //// #save #anyway  btw btw btw no doom lawye rs i insist jailscums we save em and if were the mainsuffere r ofthemess evenmoreso /// lawyers we savethe kids a n y w a y.  we do ntletem we invovleinternatioanalcopgirls and weput authoritiesin first line oftheir accountability directly letalonefor repeat. our lever is no t the minor they use and hedge a f t  e r alltheir crimes before thisis their solution?  gotit anything withthat pedo sleaze dirtydolly trick harms but we save them a n y w a y  / //// #reinterpret #hedge #tr ickery as any cruddy lawyer they dowhatall cruddy lawyers do. tryto rein terpret facts and hedge anything remotely hedgeable. just that they do so against widely known hard tested facts. constantly. allalong.  any agr ee notagree shitball ishedged andifnot thentricked. what did the civil lian typeyou here ******** findout if they repeated crimes while their lawyers covered that and inthis situation didtheir cruddylawyer trick hedge anything hedgeable reinterpet anything reinterpetable ***** "#i t. #was. #all. #the. #quibbledish": #zombi:   @law @law @harvard_law .@harvard_law @ap @reuters @bbc_whys @france24 @haaretzcom @bild @phoeni x_de @wired @wireduk  did their lawyer let em repeat crimes: accompli ce checkifthey hedged agree notagree shitballs. asif that overturns fac tuality iwrote this for year with a buzzword quibbledish orso wher e halfofthecooked would agree without ever knwoing whattheword is, bec auseimadeit up right then but this gotrefined with a brainmess to agr ee or not agree itisntjust the dull and damage itis efforted tricked here sero tolerance with incompetence navi does not beat theres no road anyway whatever the navi says who else makes transparency ab out these tricks who made transparency about lets say trick: a gree to unknown=conflict agree to unknown ominuous possible=thinkaboutit delay interpreted as agree aaaaandsomuchmore (smashwords.com/boo ks/view/ notforspies-whatisahumanbeing book 55 2210) ///   #find #nano #oilantenna #sex #implants #fix #for #monstrosities fidn xraymurderer  beta or radar nuisance : drowsydizzy  strafes fascinatingly playful asian playful anime or man gaa orso that triggers aaaaaaw adorable and oddly playful theycompensat e hardline with playful- triggers protect and aaaw: remote contorlled backleg implant buzzers for boner tricks which doesnt happen because i tslikely brain actuatored nerve actuatored but the trickery remotecontro l messes withimplants itis noboner on even assmolest underway orso but themolester maybe on sexdrug with twominutedelay the same stuff tri ggers boner  itmustbe nerve relevant actuatingthen other implants not mine are then alwaysboner allnight fromthe backleg toimplant trick i nallofthis the messwith ballsfill deepclean balls lock  hideous ba llsfill right tobe on intelcoma and prostate drugging is allthetime as groinmesses deed typed intel luxury them:  aboner aboenr abo enr aboner! lets reinterpret his sexuality knewit! a confirmation for what ipretend allalong while imolesthim and hedoesnt notice but all le tme molesthim with intelacces you: urgh!!!!!! once more demyst ified intelluxury donttouchmy implants wife fixes it based on howitw as+whatsheneeds with heartonedge dontmengele anything ///// #vi sualise #horror #show #hoooowmany #times  today is neardeath mixtric k findoutifthe cocktroachgerman cockroaches try blackmail shitball you slap this hooooowmanytimes the germans amde a horror show of their ilelgitiamte  a c c c e s s s s thanks to fraudsystem which lullsit as german fengshui hoooooooooooooowmanytimes visualise ////  scums and germans often tickby opportunistic tricks. atrick that works is a trick that works i s a trick that works. beit fornow.  neuralnetworks shuffle data forthan d back and sort them in a trillion trial-error to reduce errors cau sality is forthem neglectable deviation fromthe filter is the norm ie error correction  but that doesntmean they wouldntmake a trillion err ors itis brilliant sorting tools but highlight causality  ********* make a : because for: causality because this. triggered this, tha t is like thhis now. ********** //// @bild @bild_de @phoenix_de dinge sind nicht beliebig und austauschbar. ursache wirkung besipieslwe ise. dumme menschen verstehen nicht wie schlaue ticken, aber das haelt s ie nicht zwingend davonab einen mit nem stein zu heilen vor dem komis chen ding da dabei ist das oft nichtmal derenschuld menschen machen d as wozu man sie  ermoeglicht wozu sie hinwachsen das ueben sie dari n werden sie besser das ist eine tatsache des lebens und der anpassung an die umstaende des lebens systeme pervertieren das dann halten s ich einige tatsaechlich fuer goettlich und die anderen naja pech ge habt und nu ran andie pyramide  (ja mrs skinner) @law @law @harv ard_law .@harvard_law @ap @reuters @bbc_whys @france24 @haaretzcom how ipl ay is giveem thechance to complain about jail.  iam near death mix br ink poisoned again. bombthe cockraoch out. itdosntmatter whothey are itd oesntmatter whatthey want they shuffle harm and oneofthese cockroaches shows upwithpoison and tries sth. the alibi cover is sth else like achepa booster but roomgaser circuitboardpusher and access cockroach poisosn neardeathmix gethtepieceof crap and squeezeit letsgetus answers incldu ing who supplies em piece of crap itis so monstrous beneath surface usually  noone gets that its amiracle whenits back to civilised thatthey can c  o m pl a i n about calling them cockroaches  them the bbbe stintent sneakaround barricades toraidchamber with intelaccess for pedo orgies tosmear the hooker trick as alibi and if itdoesnt work withpedo trick its back to hideous murder tricks behidn earlympahtic aimed is: #why #would #a #fraudsystem #causing #the #mess #grant #them #regul arly #harm #wiggle #room #then #hah.. #weird .@law @law @harvard_law .@h arvard_law @ap @reuters @bbc_whys @france24 @haaretzcom where is this r epeat so often untilthey get prerogative fantasies thing from. isit reall y lackof prevention only they got that its legal and legit to what with em? mroethan once? /// #it #is #germany #they #use #minors #wi th #poisons #if #thats #purposeful   #like #monsters #they #flip #be tween #the #necessary #monstrous #and #the #moral #arbitrarily #fitting # their #s #t #a #t #e #i #n #t #e #r #e #s #t #s   find the poisong aser and xray cockroachgerman /////// find the poisongaser and xra y cockroachgerman what is law saying about mistakes in robustness on  r e p e a t e d crimes of scums they dontjust sexual assault poison me ngele arbitrarily but r e p ea t so what is law saying when a s ecurity person r e a l l y gets pissed withem ***** situations that wouldntbe just self defense  but  nothilfe, not bystand on repeat c rimes letalone forcing shitcops to do their job basically them coverin g scums ****** to repeat crimes really dirty criminal authori ties caused mess intheir swamp just shuffle proxies and inthis to repeat crimes when security is overly robust r a r e l y whats law saying  ******** and when allofthis happens in raiding your own chamber posiongasing you inyour own chamber ******** bombout cock roachgerman gaser with murderer mix  squeezeit for a civillian bomb out means flashbang robust squeeze means question youseethis on thi ngs  a f t e r thebombout like: if shitcops refuse toget their scums t heycan s i t i n j a i l with the scums I am Christian KISS BabyAWACS – Raw Independent Sophistication #THINKTANK + #INTEL #HELLHOLE #BLOG https://www.BabyAWACS.com/ Inquiry@BabyAWACS.com PHONE / FAX +49 3212 611 34 64 Helpful? Pay. Support. Donnate. paypal.me/ChristianKiss

publish how often this fraudsystem endangered wife maron hoooowmanyti mes while quelling anyinfo  .@law @law @harvard_law .@harvard_law @ap @ reuters @bbc_whys @france24 @haaretzcom @bild @phoenix_de @wired @wire duk hooowmany of the incidents were obviosuly fail of protect im murd er xray radar muderbeam tricked this verymoment in a bgb roomrent co ntract insuch conditions shuffling scums andharms charging that hooowmany times didthey take onthe support system because theyare gui lty liable daytime charged anytrick and decoy but immunise? evenif d aytiem???!?!?chargingit?!? and give back whats his???? what kind of system doesthat whatkindof system wants to know l e s s ss s s what the scums do in such conditions hooooooow many times did they t ake on wife instead quellany info but triestofind tricks to cutherdown while allalong obviously fraudsystem caused mess a fail guilty l iable causing authorities daytimecharged repeatedly make it inth eir fucking lowranks fluctuation sucker clownsuckers this is a fraudsystem botch this is a german government +timecontrol accomplc ie caused mess which shuffle cockroachproxies any decoy any harm they getawaywith //// #save #anyway  btw btw btw no doom lawye rs i insist jailscums we save em and if were the mainsuffere r ofthemess evenmoreso /// lawyers we savethe kids a n y w a y.  we do ntletem we invovleinternatioanalcopgirls and weput authoritiesin first line oftheir accountability directly letalonefor repeat. our lever is no t the minor they use and hedge a f t  e r alltheir crimes before thisis their solution?  gotit anything withthat pedo sleaze dirtydolly trick harms but we save them a n y w a y  / //// #reinterpret #hedge #tr ickery as any cruddy lawyer they dowhatall cruddy lawyers do. tryto rein terpret facts and hedge anything remotely hedgeable. just that they do so against widely known hard tested facts. constantly. allalong.  any agr ee notagree shitball ishedged andifnot thentricked. what did the civil lian typeyou here ******** findout if they repeated crimes while their lawyers covered that and inthis situation didtheir cruddylawyer trick hedge anything hedgeable reinterpet anything reinterpetable ***** “#i t. #was. #all. #the. #quibbledish”: #zombi:   @law @law @harvard_law .@harvard_law @ap @reuters @bbc_whys @france24 @haaretzcom @bild @phoeni x_de @wired @wireduk  did their lawyer let em repeat crimes: accompli ce checkifthey hedged agree notagree shitballs. asif that overturns fac tuality iwrote this for year with a buzzword quibbledish orso wher e halfofthecooked would agree without ever knwoing whattheword is, bec auseimadeit up right then but this gotrefined with a brainmess to agr ee or not agree itisntjust the dull and damage itis efforted tricked here sero tolerance with incompetence navi does not beat theres no road anyway whatever the navi says who else makes transparency ab out these tricks who made transparency about lets say trick: a gree to unknown=conflict agree to unknown ominuous possible=thinkaboutit delay interpreted as agree aaaaandsomuchmore (smashwords.com/boo ks/view/ notforspies-whatisahumanbeing book 55 2210) ///   #find #nano #oilantenna #sex #implants #fix #for #monstrosities fidn xraymurderer  beta or radar nuisance : drowsydizzy  strafes fascinatingly playful asian playful anime or man gaa orso that triggers aaaaaaw adorable and oddly playful theycompensat e hardline with playful- triggers protect and aaaw: remote contorlled backleg implant buzzers for boner tricks which doesnt happen because i tslikely brain actuatored nerve actuatored but the trickery remotecontro l messes withimplants itis noboner on even assmolest underway orso but themolester maybe on sexdrug with twominutedelay the same stuff tri ggers boner  itmustbe nerve relevant actuatingthen other implants not mine are then alwaysboner allnight fromthe backleg toimplant trick i nallofthis the messwith ballsfill deepclean balls lock  hideous ba llsfill right tobe on intelcoma and prostate drugging is allthetime as groinmesses deed typed intel luxury them:  aboner aboenr abo enr aboner! lets reinterpret his sexuality knewit! a confirmation for what ipretend allalong while imolesthim and hedoesnt notice but all le tme molesthim with intelacces you: urgh!!!!!! once more demyst ified intelluxury donttouchmy implants wife fixes it based on howitw as+whatsheneeds with heartonedge dontmengele anything ///// #vi sualise #horror #show #hoooowmany #times  today is neardeath mixtric k findoutifthe cocktroachgerman cockroaches try blackmail shitball you slap this hooooowmanytimes the germans amde a horror show of their ilelgitiamte  a c c c e s s s s thanks to fraudsystem which lullsit as german fengshui hoooooooooooooowmanytimes visualise ////  scums and germans often tickby opportunistic tricks. atrick that works is a trick that works i s a trick that works. beit fornow.  neuralnetworks shuffle data forthan d back and sort them in a trillion trial-error to reduce errors cau sality is forthem neglectable deviation fromthe filter is the norm ie error correction  but that doesntmean they wouldntmake a trillion err ors itis brilliant sorting tools but highlight causality  ********* make a : because for: causality because this. triggered this, tha t is like thhis now. ********** //// @bild @bild_de @phoenix_de dinge sind nicht beliebig und austauschbar. ursache wirkung besipieslwe ise. dumme menschen verstehen nicht wie schlaue ticken, aber das haelt s ie nicht zwingend davonab einen mit nem stein zu heilen vor dem komis chen ding da dabei ist das oft nichtmal derenschuld menschen machen d as wozu man sie  ermoeglicht wozu sie hinwachsen das ueben sie dari n werden sie besser das ist eine tatsache des lebens und der anpassung an die umstaende des lebens systeme pervertieren das dann halten s ich einige tatsaechlich fuer goettlich und die anderen naja pech ge habt und nu ran andie pyramide  (ja mrs skinner) @law @law @harv ard_law .@harvard_law @ap @reuters @bbc_whys @france24 @haaretzcom how ipl ay is giveem thechance to complain about jail.  iam near death mix br ink poisoned again. bombthe cockraoch out. itdosntmatter whothey are itd oesntmatter whatthey want they shuffle harm and oneofthese cockroaches shows upwithpoison and tries sth. the alibi cover is sth else like achepa booster but roomgaser circuitboardpusher and access cockroach poisosn neardeathmix gethtepieceof crap and squeezeit letsgetus answers incldu ing who supplies em piece of crap itis so monstrous beneath surface usually  noone gets that its amiracle whenits back to civilised thatthey can c  o m pl a i n about calling them cockroaches  them the bbbe stintent sneakaround barricades toraidchamber with intelaccess for pedo orgies tosmear the hooker trick as alibi and if itdoesnt work withpedo trick its back to hideous murder tricks behidn earlympahtic aimed is: #why #would #a #fraudsystem #causing #the #mess #grant #them #regul arly #harm #wiggle #room #then #hah.. #weird .@law @law @harvard_law .@h arvard_law @ap @reuters @bbc_whys @france24 @haaretzcom where is this r epeat so often untilthey get prerogative fantasies thing from. isit reall y lackof prevention only they got that its legal and legit to what with em? mroethan once? /// #it #is #germany #they #use #minors #wi th #poisons #if #thats #purposeful   #like #monsters #they #flip #be tween #the #necessary #monstrous #and #the #moral #arbitrarily #fitting # their #s #t #a #t #e #i #n #t #e #r #e #s #t #s   find the poisong aser and xray cockroachgerman /////// find the poisongaser and xra y cockroachgerman what is law saying about mistakes in robustness on  r e p e a t e d crimes of scums they dontjust sexual assault poison me ngele arbitrarily but r e p ea t so what is law saying when a s ecurity person r e a l l y gets pissed withem ***** situations that wouldntbe just self defense  but  nothilfe, not bystand on repeat c rimes letalone forcing shitcops to do their job basically them coverin g scums ****** to repeat crimes really dirty criminal authori ties caused mess intheir swamp just shuffle proxies and inthis to repeat crimes when security is overly robust r a r e l y whats law saying  ******** and when allofthis happens in raiding your own chamber posiongasing you inyour own chamber ******** bombout cock roachgerman gaser with murderer mix  squeezeit for a civillian bomb out means flashbang robust squeeze means question youseethis on thi ngs  a f t e r thebombout like: if shitcops refuse toget their scums t heycan s i t i n j a i l with the scums I am Christian KISS BabyAWACS – Raw Independent Sophistication #THINKTANK + #INTEL #HELLHOLE #BLOG https://www.BabyAWACS.com/ Inquiry@BabyAWACS.com PHONE / FAX +49 3212 611 34 64 Helpful? Pay. Support. Donnate. paypal.me/ChristianKiss

publish how often this fraudsystem endangered wife maron hoooowmanytimes while quelling anyinfo .@law @law @harvard_law .@harvard_law @ap @reuters @bbc_whys @france24 @haaretzcom @bild @phoenix_de @wired @wireduk

hooowmany of the incidents were obviosuly fail of protect

im murder xray radar muderbeam tricked this verymoment

in a bgb roomrent contract

insuch conditions shuffling scums andharms

cha…

[mental-health-advice]

i have adult adhd, combined type, and i also think i have ocpd? my analyst(?) told me i had depersonalization problems and i suffered from confusion for a long time due to a low PH level. and ocpd just sort of shawn up at me recently. ive always been really strict with my personality behavior and thoughts and way of thinking and moods/modes. i had adhd so i had all the usual contorl problems and was always the person at the bottom of the chain growing up. ive recently had issues in a new home 1!

and it seemed like it the biggest discomfort for me. especially when my lack of functionality sprouted outroar. i was ripped out my home quite suddenly, surrounding a lot of stress. and i think it did me damage because my adhd bothers me so much. it presents me differently than what i am. what i do and say seems different to people. i dont feel well expressed or understood so it can zone me out. itshard. how does this sound to you? im wondering whether to contact my analyst/gp?

Hi darling,

Thank you for writing in to us! Before I start, I just want to clarify that we’re in no way professionals, so we can’t really say much about what certain issues could be- that really is a professional’s job. We also discourage self-diagnosis for the reasons listed here. Therefore I think it would indeed be a good idea to contact your analyst and/or GP! You can talk through with them exactly what you told us and they can look with you at that possibility, listen to why you think you might be dealing with OCPD (Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder), and reflect on that. They can do an assessment with a possible diagnosis as outcome. I think the most important part of this all is that you talk through your struggles with them. Even if no diagnosis comes out of it, it’s still good that they’re aware of your struggles so that they can help you to their best ability! If they don’t know everything that you’re struggling with, they’ll be less able to help you.

There are a few things that are important to keep in mind. When you look at the symptoms for a certain disorder, you will check with yourself whether you might experience those symptoms. So you are actively looking for situations in which those symptoms occurred. One very important criteria for any mental illness though is that it needs to affect your ability to function in at least one area. Usually if a symptom is preventing you from functioning, you notice this symptom, which is different from seeing a symptom written down and then realising you sometimes experience it. Does that make sense? There will definitely be exceptions to this though, so I’m definitely not saying that a symptom can’t be affecting you badly or valid if you only noticed it after seeing it written on a list. It often occurs that someone’s been dealing with something for so long that it becomes normal, or something else is affecting them even more so it kind of overshadows it all.

Something else that’s important to keep in mind is that there might be overlap in the symptoms between ADHD and OCPD. I haven’t looked into it, because I think that it would be best either way for you to speak to your analyst or GP, but overlap of symptoms between mental illnesses is one of the many reasons why the diagnostic process is so complicated (and why we so highly recommend you to speak to a professional about it).

Having said all of that, I can imagine that moving to a new home has been really difficult for you! There are so many things that you need to get used to when you’re in a new place, and you can’t fall back on your old routines anymore because they all need to be slightly adjusted. I moved this year as well and in the beginning I struggled quite a bit with not being able to fall back on my routines anymore. Luckily with time I was able to start my new routines in my new place and that has helped a lot to feel more at peace here. I don’t know if by now you feel more at home and less stressed out in your new house (I definitely hope you do!), but if you don’t yet then maybe developing new routines is something you can look into? It doesn’t have to be big things! In my old house I shared the kitchen with two housemates, so we had certain rules about who cleaned what and which shelves on the fridge were whose etc. I moved to a place of my own, so I now have my own kitchen that I need to keep clean myself. I’m not home a lot, so in the beginning I didn’t feel like I had to clean it as often because I only cooked once a week, maybe sometimes twice? But because there was no schedule and it wasn’t a regular thing, there came a point where I realised it had been too long since I’d done it. So what helped for me was to write down how often I wanted to clean certain parts of my new place and then schedule this in my week. Sometimes it was more vague, like over the weekend I want to clean my bathroom. Other times it was more specific like, Monday when I get home from work I’m gonna hoover. Writing down how often I want to clean everything doesn’t seem like a big thing, but it helped me a lot! Not only with actually keeping things clean, but more importantly with getting that off my shoulders, having some kind of schedule to fall back on. So maybe things like this, little schedules to fall back on, can be of help for you too? It might at least be worth a try, and then if it doesn’t work you can always try something else.

Zoning out can be a part of dissociation and since you also mention depersonalisation, I’m going to give some tips on how you can deal with dissociation. Grounding techniques can be immensely helpful. Whenever you feel like you’re about to dissociate, they can help you to stay in reality. Or when you’ve already dissociated, they can help bring you back to reality. We have a page listing many grounding techniques here. Everyone is unique so while one technique might help me a lot, it might not help you. Sometimes it also depends on what situation you’re in, or what triggered you to dissociate (if there was a trigger). Finding out which techniques help you when is a process of trial and error, but I do really hope you find some that work for you. I hope this helped at least a little!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.

Keep fighting beautiful Love Pauline

[nataliaechothorn]

Undertale: In the shadows of time project

Yeah thought i would post this thing up here so here is the news:

Yeah i got this idea from a friend of mine  and i thought it would be awesome if i did a idea like this too, In other words i want to see and try out doing a collab story with others pretty much by roleplaying with each person then using the roleplays to put together a whole story and all. I thought this would be quite fun and awesome to do since it always fun doing team work stuff with others after. The plot of this story is that timelines in aus are slowly falling apart and being tore up and the characters from my own aus end up having to search out for others from other aus to form up a powerful team to seek out on what is causing all of this chaos and destorying the time . I open for anyone taking part in this so long as they follow the rules and all . Since i got Skype i can do the roleplay through Skype too if others want to roleplay together with me and one more person and all since that is okay with me too. 

Message me or send me a ask if you want to take part in this project pretty much and if you want my skype then ask me in a message please. Here are the rules : - No God Moding seriously man take it easy with that since no likes their characters being killed without being given a chance to dodge or fight back or being asked first if the characters is going to die and all.

- I am not fussy with what length the person types in replies and i am fine with both short and long ones during the roleplays.

- This is about team work so no trying to take over the whole story and not let others get parts in the chapters and all since that is not fair for others and it is not okay. - I am fine with both ocs and canon characters being bought into this but sorry to say no crossovers just undertale characters only and undertale characters from other aus and stuff undertale related. - Heros and Villians and Rouges are all needed for this story so i am open for all of them and of those types. - Please be respectful to whoever else chooses to join in this story thing as well i don't want any fights between the people during the roleplays since this is supposed to be something fun. - Please ask me first before you join in this and let me know on which character or characters you will be using in my story . - This is my story so keep in mind that i have the choice to choose on what happens in the story and what can and cannot be used or whatever else in the story since i am the one who is making the story so i have the right to make the choices and all. - I am fine with others doing drawings of the comic covers for the chapters or doing drawings from the scenes that happen during this story since i am perfectly fine with that and honestly would like that alot. - You are welcome to pass this  on to others who might be interested in joining in this story and all but please ask me first before you post it up or spend it around to any certain people. - Be patient as well since i may be slow with replying to the roleplays and all and i will be patient with others who roleplay with me so if you take a long time to reply i will not mind it and can be patient for you to reply back so don't worry about that part. - I welcome shippings into just this story to but if you want to have a shipping happen in the story please ask me about it first and let me know on who you would be interested in having be paired up with one of my ocs and all. - Oh i forgot to say that i am fine with having my ocs go into your undertale characters aus if they have any since that works okay for the story to go along more too also i am open for them going into other aus that are not mine as well too. - I am fine with the roleplays being done normally as in posted up here on my tumblr page and it being done through messages or on Skype as any of those are fine with me after all. - No rushing me please that stresses me out if that happens also don't just stop the roleplay out of the blue and not tell me why i am okay if you need or want to stop it but make sure to give me a reason on why you are doing that and all. -If you got any ideas of your own that you want to offer to help me along with the story feel free to do so since i am open for more ideas and stuff. - Oh i forgot to also add that i will also be using other undertale characters of mine who are not from any of the aus on my list and are from other aus that are not mine like Undertale Natalia and Arcadetale Natalia and so on. - Also no taking over the characters that others own and are using in the roleplay let the ones who own the characters do their parts in roleplaying as their own characters and you stick to your own, It kind of nerves me when others try to contorl on what another person character says or does without asking someone if they are okay with it first. ( if i think of anymore rules to add then i will add them ) I am still working out on names and stuff for the chapters and all but i got some ideas already for at least two of the chapters anyway i am hoping that more will join this and all too since i want this to be fun and enjoyable. Chapter list: (WIP that means that this is not all of them and there is like going to be alot of chapters since i want to try and make this long that i can make it go) : Chapter one: Kingtale Gaster vs Heartless : This chapter is about the kingtale au getting evaded by a huge group of shadow beasts that are trying to take over the au and Kingtale Gaster and the monsters in his au have to battle the shadow beasts and get them out of their au before it gets destoryed or many are killed, Kingtale Gaster has to fight Heartless in this chapter who is a skeleton/shadow beast hybrid who is being mind contorled and being forced to fight on the side of evil and Kingtale Gaster has to fight him to try and help get Heartless out of that mind contorl and save him. Chapter two: Saving the dragon kings : This chapter will be set in the SoulAuratale Au and Soul Sans will be seeking out for some help because both of the kings in this au had been captured and are in serious trouble and a team is needed to work together to save both of the kings and force the enemies out of the au and make sure they don't come back into the au again. The enemies being some kind of shadow werewolf race that are trying to over run the place and are kidnapping many of the monsters in this au to use them for lab tests subjects or to force them to do slave work. ( will need more chapter and name for chapters ideas to help me slowly add more as time goes and all pretty much but for sure all of my undertale aus that i made will be used in this story of course   ). List of people who had joined and the characters they will be using in the story ( will add more as more people join in this so that means more people can join in this and this is just a list of who has joined in it so far but at the moment there are none XD there were some who already joined but they are ones from Deviantart so i did not add them for this list):

[you-are-worth-the-wait]

hey Love.  sorry for not writing anything or anything sooner.  a part of me feels like if i want to wrtie something to you, i want to make it worth your while and my time.  reflecting now, i think maybe even whatever little something is better than nothing.  so yeah...it’s not like i was purposely ignoring you or anything like that.  Friday night i went to my uncle and auntie’s place, the people who just bought their vacation house here, and we ended up staying there till 2am.  my uncle made us drink so much beer.  he kept saying, “last one...last one”.  the one that i finally thought he meant it, he opened up another one.  that ended up being the last one but i was so tipsy/full/disgusted that when he did open that last bottle, i contemplated going to the bathroom and just throwing up just so i could feel better and keep drinking.  i didn’t and needless to say, when i woke up the next morning, i had a headache and was hung over.  rested and recovered on saturday at my brother’s place playing video games with him.  then went home to my house to pass out and sleep some more since i didn’t get much sleep on friday night.  then i ended up going there again last night/saturday night.  this time i nursed my beer so that there was no way they could say i had an empty bottle and would give me more.  stayed there till 1am, then went over to my brother’s again to play video games, slept, woke up and watched, played, eat, rest, and then finally went home to my family where we bought raising canes for them for dinner.  i usually want to get in some decent sit down time with my laptop to write to you, tell you what’s on my mind, and whatnot.  i’m starting to think that even little one liners or blurbs throughout the day on my phone is better than you seeing nothing and thinking what’s going on.  so i’m sorry for that and i will be better next time.  i did think about you all weekend and just played out scenarios as far as what we could be doing together.  

the reason/s.  okay.  i hope i’m not coming across as shallow, a dick, small minded, or whatnot.  there were two random things that didn’t really sit well with me.  first one is that she is currently hurt right now and is on disability.  she works as a CNA and she hurt herself and is supposed to be doing PT and exercises to help her heal so she can get healthy and go back to work.  she was supposed to be doing PT daily and was to be evaluated every week for a month.  apparently she wasn’t keeping up her exercises because she told me that sometimes she was “tired or lazy” so she skipped days which delayed her healing process.  when she was evaluated after the month, they told her that because she didn’t keep up with her exercises, she delayed her healing process and now she’s going to have to continue PT for another month in order to get better.  i didn’t know how to feel about that.  i understand the whole “being tired/lazy” and i know people tend to slack off from time to time.  but this has to do with her health, her well-being, ulitmately her job and livelihood, and i would think that you take something like this a little more seriously.  i tried to compare it to other things.  maybe someone who is on a diet, or someone who is on madatory life sustaining medications, someone who does a nightly ritual to clear up acne on thier face, just a bunch of random things were the outcome is dependent on the individual taking responsibility in doing something that no one can really monitor except themselves in order to achieve an outcome.  you cheat on your diet, okay, not so bad.  if it’s something where it’s lose weight or die, then it’s a little more serious.  mandatory daily meds or risk your health, that’s something you need to do or else you “die” or make your situation worse.  acne medication, not so bad if you miss a night or two.  her situation...being to that she needs to keep up PT daily in order to strengthen and heal in order to get better and to help her eventually return to work.  how does her excuse of “being tired and lazy” make me feel.  i don’t know.  i’d feel that for something like this, it seems kind of important.  it has to do with your health and well-being.  who knows what kind of damage she has and what delaying the healing/strengthening process will do.  a part of me feels like “being tired/lazy” can be excusable excuses for certain situations.  but for this one?  is that an excuse/point of view that i’d be able to respect and accept from a person?  is that an attitude/view that i’m willing to let slide and overlook in order to see what other values/views “trump” that?  i don’t know.  maybe i need to dig further and see why she is able to be so nonchalant about this.  but i have to admit that it does make me pause and wonder, “if this is her view and attitude towards doing something that she knows is for her own good, for her own health, in order to make her get better, and yet...she chooses to skip days or not do certain things because she’s tired or lazy, what other things in life will she have that kind of atttude towards?  is that something i’m willing to take a risk in wanting to find out?”.  i don’t know.  maybe i’m making a bigger deal out of this than i should be.  but it’s her health, her life, her body, it’s what she needs to do in order to get healthy in order to work, to go about with her livelihood, and to support her income and life.  am i okay with that?  a part of me isn’t.  i don’t know if that makes me a bad person or not, but it’s difficult for me to have to wrestle with accepting her view in regards to this situation.

the other thing is...she is kind of adamant in not wanting children.  i know with her age and stuff, she most likely can’t.  but then she was telling me that she may still be able to but that she is adamant in not wanting children.  i can understand and respect that.  she’s already had 4 children so whatever he view is on having another child, who am i to judge.  the thing is, that kind of decision i feel is something that i would want to talk about and discuss.  maybe i do want children and maybe i don’t.  but a part of me feels like this is something where you’d need to have a conversation about so both people are okay with the decision moving forward.  like i said, maybe i don’t want childern either.  but if i did, don’t i deserve the right and have a say in whether we should or should not have children instead of just being told, “i don’t want children therefore you can’t have children either.”  i think my “relationship” with her is too new to be able to dictate how we want to contorl the other person’s life.  me, personally, with the right person, and if they want to, i’d love to be able to have a child with them.  am i scared of the prospect, who isn’t.  but i’d like to think that i’d at least be given the chance, the choice, and some say in if i will have a child or not.  not simply be told, “i don’t want children so you/we can’t have children”.  if that’s how someone wants to run/dictate my life/future, i could just as well walk away from it.  

so that’s kind of where i’m at.  i don’t know if i’m being overly sensitive, overthinking this, being irrational, judgemental, narrow minded, selfish, stupid, or what.  but i kind of don’t like where my mind and heart goes when i try to rationalize and accept the situations that i’m being presented with here.  like i said, people do have flaws, shortcomings, irrationalities, and whatnots and i have mine too.  the thing is, can i learn to see past the ones i’m encountering right now in order to se if there is a future for the both of us.  if i can’t see past these things, then it’s my lost.  am i willing to lose her because of my foolishness right now?  i’ve seen myself having children with some girls and not seeing a future with children and i’ve been okay and accepting with that.  but other things did end up detering me from those relationships.  just as she can offer things that other relationships couldn’t, this is her views/attitudes that i have to learnt o deal with and accept if i want to have a future with her.  am i willing to look past these things, accept her and her views as my own also, and be able to have an honest and meaningful relationship?  at the moment, my heart and mind is saying no.  i’m not really even having that hard or difficult a battle in convincing myself one way or another.  i told you, a part of me feels that my heart and mind has accepted her for who she is, her views, her attitudes and outlook, and what she sees as a future that she wants to have.  i don’t see myself being on the same wavelength as her.  with the right person and the right amount of love, i still see the possibility of having a child and my life, my partner’s life, and that child’s life, still having a lot of meaning to me.  also, for the right person, if they feel that they can be happy without having a child, and they can show me that my life, along with theirs, would be “better” without a child, and i believed in my mind and heart that it’s the best decision for the both of us, then i can accept that future without a child.  but the situation that she put me in, to not have a say in my future, in our future, in that child’s future...it’s difficult for me to comprehend, accept, and deal with with where we are in the relationship.  i’d be willing to talk about it more with her if she’d be willing to be open to discussing it, but for the moment, i don’t think it’s something that’s up for discussion, and that kind of turns me off.  sooo...yeah...

a part of me does think about our future too.  we kind of have an idea of what we want in our lives.  the future that was talked about, i still want that with you, if you still want that with me.  i still am right there in giving you everything you want in your life.  that does also include you having a child and being a mother.  i’ve always had the idea of wanting a child and when i was accepting of the fact that maybe i’d never find the right person to share that dream with, i knew how to accept that i wouldn’t have that experience.  but when i talk to you, when  we talk about our future, when i see the look in your eyes of hope and happiness when we talk about a child.  when i see and hear the fear and anxiety start to creep up in your voice or body language...but when i tell you that that’s what i’m there for.  that when you start to doubt yourself or feel overwhelmed, when you think you may suffer from postpartum depression and think that having a child is prolly not what’s meant to be for you...i see how you believe in my words.  you find comfort in my assurance that we will get through it together, the trust you put in me in me being the person who has that child with you, and the fact that you yourself find the strength and resolve that that dream can be become a reality...the look of hope, love, and happines in your eyes and heart when we discuss the our future with that child and all the endless possiblities that child will have with us as their mother and father...it’s priceless...and i still see and want all of that with you...  

[the-firebird69]

and they setup bja.  and think oh we workit  and it doesnt they die. and forg keep up the voodoo. and it is voodoo. and we take territory all over.  and we use it now. this is disgusting... Thor Freya and i am incharge justin you dont understnd the power of your idiots.   ohno justin there are insults justin, that can be tolerated. and what macs deliverto me is wellover the limit, and it iscontinuous and bja the final one andfirst he is so insolent and a massive threat on my person, and i negate it by piling people about two miles hig ten by ten here and light it...a bad sign.  we nolonger use yours....and itmeans you wanted a fight and to be put down you shall meaningthe insults are way way way over the limit.  absurd comments ridiculous statements.  and it is a furious pileof shit you say allday and i take if forrel youwant free stuff ridiculous.  i fire on you now and let you know your wrong you absurd fags...your so so damn far off it is hard to say justin joe and preston your injured by your ass and by macs greed and other macs greed and ignorance.  and really these tards started in on usand no. out to hard f this we are dangerous. they cannot beat big wolves and certainly we are much more dangerous.  yes.   Zues Hera   it is absurd mac had it done they are not people we can deal with yet are around with guns knices adn licensed automatic guns and cop badges nowhere to hide they always hunt me.  tons of them.  so i say to you how will we survive...fight each othe forg do it and we ride to death...and you say its been like this for some time.  ghwb was leading. you alltosshim out to the wolves.  ad cork andothers too. so you lose a leader and dont know. true....ok lost him. whyweare pigs ok andlosthim.  obey orders secure hte perimeter do the work dont go here here andwe get it it takes an army not ablaspheme and we arent that so muchbut hole sh.jstin says he is way off ok and sits angers ppl and thinkshe can rest and sneak arouond and hurt those that protect him.  no more for me he is done...nowyour leaders justin do not stop them.  dont tyr anywhere near hard enough to stop tards andless on xeno.  expecting us to help.  so i say they will all die and you with them.  we control them they aer s fn lazy and corkdid it w bja.  he is contorlling them.  and i say so what theycannot porove it and only die a lous loser low life plan.  and it is.  they had a father they still couldnot beat.  hired us we beat him. Pennywise did.  and nonestand up to it.  cant  and back to our idiot buds who dont like you more than me...how odd.  they are hrrific yes Chris they are horrific. you choose them over us... justin no we dont we dont.  honestly you are supposed towar with them. wedont get it you cant see. for chrsit sake what do you need an invite they do that.   cork wehurt you cork see it clearly, hear it andnow you finally say it.  your a tard not us. ok loser lol but you setus up no he had you loser Thor Freya Hera Zues Olympus

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0C3DHp36zc

[harahmed]

I’m trying to focus on studying but I can’t. I keep thinking back to all this shit i’m dealing with. I just saw a psychiatrist and the meeting was pretty quick. I was trying to tell him about everything that was going on and idk if it was his intention to kinda cut me off and interject but he kept doing it. that makes me feel like there’s a difference between a therpaist and a psychologist. I jst did it a quick google search and it seems like they shouldn’t be too different. it makes me feel like i should be seeing a therapist as well as a psychologist. or maybe i should just get back to writing on this whenever my mind is focused on something else. harmeet kinda pressed me yday to ask me if i think this was for the best and tbh idk. i didn’t want her to worry but i should probably start writing on here whenever i can’t focus. i realized that i’m worried about how people view me a lot. this came up when i met with the deans and i tried to explain my viewpoint and i felt like such a bitch that should just suck it up. and i didn’t want them to think that was so i kept trying to emphasize how i was thinking so they wouldn’t view me negatively. even with the psychiatrist i was seeing i kept trying to show my POV and i think it’s kinda to make me feel better when people agree with the way i think. idk if this is a maladaptive way to go about things or not. but even in regular social interactions i don’t want people to dislike me even though i do a lot of shit that I feel would make people dislike me even if no one ever says anything. I think a part of it is bc maybe ppl feel bad for me. this past year my ability to control my impulses and quality of life I feel have gotten a lot worse, even though I feel my relationship has gotten a bit better. I never had an issue not drinking or smoking evn if i had weed or alcohol but this year that changed and if it’s around i just smoke or drink regardless. I def developed a substance abuse disorder with weed bc i literally could not stop myself if it was around. i made up any excuse i could to smoke and it really took a toll on my everyday life. amotivational syndrome can be caused by or exacerbated by weed and that was definitely the case this year. i’m so happy i went to NJMS though and we had shelf exams for every unit bc if we didn’t, i would not have gone through the zanki for each unit and actually learned shit. i wish i could say i’m proud of myself for doing that but if the curriculum didn’t include the shelves i 100% wouldn’tr have done those things. so i just got lucky. a common theme in myu life. i get so lucky with everything and everyone i meet. it’s actually disgusting how many amazing people i’ve met in my life. so many people i could’ve become so close to but didn’t just because of my laziness. i would rather just play video games than do things with people bc it was just easier and i had more control over my schedule. and that’s a big thing fo rme and idk why. i hate not being able to contorl my schedule. and it affects even my relationship. i realized i don’t wanna go to harmeet’s place a lot of the times bc i lose a certain amount of contorl staying over there vs staying at home. you know when you always knew something about yourself but never really confronted it so it was kinda in the back of your mind. i think this is one of the cases bc deep down i always knew that but i never really faced it. or maybe i have my memory is so shit i couldn’t even say i remember. i’m glad i’m at home bc i physically won’t be able to smoke / drink and i think it’ll be a good cleanse for me. i need to take this seriosly. i found out rammadan starts may 6th and i had to push my exam back to may 20th. that just reminded me that i have to officialy chang emy exam date. or maybe i hsould wait till i get confirmation from the school. anyway i’m gonna try to focus on fasting too and it’s gonna be hard just because i’m gonna be sutdying all day and i’m gonna wake up earlier. i am hopeful though. i’m gonna start SSRIs soon and that on top of stickig on a schedule should help a lot. i think i’m gonna have to make it a habit of typing anytime i can’t focus bc i’m thinking about something else bc it helps so much with concentrating. i just keep writing until i literally can’t think of anything else to say and idk why it works so well. gotta go back to the roots i suppose. jon wanted to ahng out last night and i told him iw ould. i was just playing video games thoguh and i realized like 30 min after we were supposed to meet up that we were supposed to hang out but decided i didn’t really want to. i messaged himb ut he never responded and i feel bad cause it’s another instance of me neglecting friends willing to take time out of their day for me. i’m hoping i can make this all up after this period in time and it helps alot that i’ll be living with them. i’m worried about the house nextr year but hopefully things will work out. they’re gonna pick rooms when they’re done with step and i’ll still be studying so i hope that doesn’t end up screwing me. we’ll see.