#had to get into the spirit of 2020 before the year ended

[trippinsorrows]

10 things + r. reigns

authors note: so, a lot of this stems from convos with the lovely @fearlesschimera where one tree hill was brought up. and i loved me some nathan and haley. plus, i'm loving everything about this otc era and needed to write something about it now vs having to wait with my other stories cause we ain't there yet lmao

might be a part two. idk if this even makes sense tbh

words: 3.1k

warnings: none, really? some language? kayfabe story.

There are exactly two sides to Roman Reigns.

The good side and the bad side. 

And Nova Reigns has experienced them both with an unfortunate increase in the latter versus the former. 

She can pinpoint exactly when it started, too. 

When things started to get difficult again.

2020. COVID. While the world was an absolute mess, chaos and death occurring globally every day, her husband of over ten years wasn’t much better. He’d decided to stay home, not wanting to risk bringing home anything that could put her pregnancy with their first daughter, Arabella, Bella as they affectionately called her, at risk. 

It was also so he could figure out just what the hell he was doing with his career. Roman was frustrated. Tired of going along with what was always told of him instead of doing it his way. And it’s why when he returned back to work that summer, he came back a completely changed man. Bigger, stronger, meaner.

This was a different Roman Reigns. The likes of which the WWE had never seen.

And it’s been a ride ever since.

Up and downs along the way. 

A lot of ups up until WrestleMania 40 where after 1,316 days as the undisputed universal champion and unable to let go of a betrayal from so many years ago, Roman lost. He lost his title and something so much deeper that night.

His sense of self.

Nova did the best she could in the months he’d been off to keep his spirits lifted, to support him, often encouraging Bella to ask her dad to do stuff with her even when Nova technically could. Asked him to care for their two year old daughter, Camillia, Cami, as she worked from home, something she’s done for almost the entirety of her post college career. 

But most importantly, Nova worked to help Roman repair the relationship with their oldest son, Roman Jr., RJ, as they’ve called him since the day he was born.

To say the relationship is awful would be an exaggeration. No, it’s just…..fragile.

A fragility that Nova has tried so hard over the past couple of years to strengthen to no avail. A large part of the issue being the fact that her twenty year old son is just as stubborn as his father. Twins, she often calls them. Similar heights, build, personalities, etc. 

Great when they want to be. A pain in the ass when they don’t need to be.

A painful situation all around though, especially when she thinks back to how this all started, to how someone like Nova ended up with someone like Roman.

And it’s a simple answer, really.

He was an idiot.

Well, when it came to English, that was.

Once upon a time ago, Roman wasn’t the massive WWE superstar that he is now. He was just Roman Reigns. The typical, popular jock of their high school. A football player with the stereotypical ego to match. And she was just Nova, the geeky underclassmen who always had a secret crush on the boy she never thought in a million years would look her way.

And truth be told, if not for the fact his coach threatened to bench him if he didn’t raise his English grade, he probably never would have. Hell, she’s certain the only reason he knew she existed was because she was the best and smartest kid in class, so of course their teacher would recommend her for a tutor. 

The answer was initially no. Not necessarily because she was opposed, but more because her crush on him was too big to not get distracted. Even though his jerkish tendencies should have done just that. 

But Roman has always been charismatic and persistent, and before she knew it, she’d agreed. And that agreement changed everything because it showed her for the first time the nice side of Roman, the side that secretly loved music and was surprisingly good at math. The side that struggled with feeling like he’d never be good enough or live up to his family’s athletic reputation both in football and wrestling.

It made her realize and see that Roman was just as human as everyone else. 

It made her fall in love with him.

And that was rocky, too. Navigating his constant struggle of wanting to admit his feelings for her while also being embarrassed about her and wanting to hide their relationship. It created a fair set of conflict, and Nova shed her fair share of tears.

Especially as she sat on the floor of her bathroom, plush, purple rug cushioning her bottom but not the blow that was the two lines on the pregnancy test in her hands. But, seven months later, with her mom on one side and Roman on the other, she shed a different set of tears. Different kinds of tears.

Happiness.

Happiness at welcoming her first child into the world, Roman Reigns Jr. 

RJ

Being teen parents, especially at the tender ages of 16 and 18 was most definitely nothing like it was depicted on the reality shows. It was rough, especially as Roman started college, opting to stay local to help her raise their child as she finished her senior year. They fought, they argued, they disagreed, but at the end of the day, they still loved.

And it was that love that carried them through the rocky years of Roman trying to figure out just what he wanted to do with his life as Nova worked a job and raised their son while pursuing her degree in software engineering. She also stayed local to benefit from the help of her family while chasing her dream. It was rough, it was hard, but they did it.

Even with having to be on food stamps and financial assistance at times to take care of their child, Nova struggling to enter the male dominated workforce of tech and Roman not always having consistent income, they did it. 

And they were happy.

They still are. Just….not like it used to be. 

Nova still loves her husband with all of her heart and soul. They’ve been through too much together for her to ever really leave him, but she’d be lying if she said it didn’t cross her mind from time to time. Especially over the past four years, watching him almost revert back to that bully from high school as he manipulated and mentally abused his family, his cousins, his lifetime best friends so much so that the Bloodline he worked so hard to create crumbled right before him.

And it’s only deteriorated since he lost the title to Cody Rhodes. Solo had turned on Roman, brutally kicked Jimmy out of the Bloodline and invited in non-family. Week after week, taking shot after shot at her husband, his cousin, his flesh and blood. 

Going so far as to take the sacred ula fala and declare himself the tribal chief. An honor that was bestowed upon Roman by the elders of his family. It finally reached a point where Roman had enough, making his grand return at SummerSlam and preventing his once enforcer from taking the very title Roman still believes is rightfully is. 

He’s made intermittent returns since then, each one proving just why Roman Reigns is being considered one of the greatest of all time, even while still in the middle of his career. His aura is unmatched. The sales don’t lie. The numbers don’t lie. 

The OTC is WWE. 

But, Roman has been a bit on edge since he was unexpectedly jumped by his other cousin, Jacob, Solo’s latest dangerous addition to the Bloodline.

Nova especially knows he was even more pissed because she’d taken the girls to his show that night, at his request.

He hates looking ‘weak’ in front of him, despite the fact that both were too consumed in kids' devices to pay attention. But, she was. And if anything, it was hard for her to see him be attacked like that, all alone. 

No one in his corner.

Jey’s moved to Raw.

Jimmy is still trying to figure out if he even wants to come back.

Solo has lost his damn mind. 

Sami…..no comment.

And Paul is still recovering from his brutal assault by the new Bloodline. 

The island of relevancy has a population of one. And while that one is formidable as all outdoors, he’s still just a man.

Granted, as much as it pains her to see Roman go at this alone, it’s hard for her to feel all the way bad for him. He did this. His actions drove his family away. 

Well, not all of them.

“Game!” Bella’s soft voice pulls Nova from reflecting on memory lane as she redirects her attention to where her son sits on the sofa in Roman’s locker room, Cami on his lap, grabbing his phone.

RJ chuckles, unlocking the iPhone and asking, “what you wanna play?”

Cami gasps and claps her hands. “Cookie!”

“Cookie Kingdom?” RJ asks, clicking around on his phone and handing it to her. “There ya go, lil’ bit.”

Nova’s smile is warm as she reflects on what feels like so long ago. “I remember when you were that little.”

RJ looks up at her, and it never ceases to amaze her how much he looks like his father. Complexion a little deeper, melanin he inherited from her, but outside of that, Roman could never deny paternity. 

He sucks his teeth. “Mama, don’t start that.”

“What?” Nova pouts, leaning back into the sofa, Bella tuned out of the conversation as she watches Bluey on her tablet. It’s always a bit funny to her how uninterested these kids just are when it comes to seeing Roman at work.

At least, not until he’s actually in their line of vision.

“You’ll always be my baby.” Because he will. Twenty and over 6ft tall or not, he’s her baby boy. “And speaking of baby, what’s going on with you and that girl you been dating?”

RJ rolls his eyes and adjusts Cami on his lap. He’s so good with his little sisters. “Nothing.”

Nova smirks knowingly, picking up on the faint hit of redness on his cheeks. “Sure don’t seem like nothing.”

“Mama, she’s just a friend.”

“So ya’ll aren’t sexually active?”

RJ turns up his nose, clearly disgusted. “Ma, how you just gon’ ask me that?”

“Because I’m your mama and not ready to be a grandma, and your daddy would kill you if you were to get a girl pregnant halfway through college.”

It’s not missed upon Nova how the mention of Roman seems to completely dampen his mood. RJ rolls his eyes. “Like he cares at all.”

His comment hurts her. Deeply. “RJ….”

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to upset you.”

She ignores that apology, wanting to focus on the initial comment that has her stomach knotting for all the wrong reasons. “Your dad loves you, Junior. You have to know that.”

There’s a slight delay in his answer, and that alone is enough to make Nova know she needs to talk to Roman again tonight about actually talking with his son. A below the surface level conversation. A heart to heart.

“I know that, mama. I do. It’s just….” RJ blows out a breath and shakes his head. “You know how he is.”

She does. Very well. “You can say it. He’s an ass sometimes.” She’s so grateful for the headphones on Bella’s ears and the deep infatuation Cami has with her brother’s phone.

“You said it. Not me.” Mother and son share a laugh, RJ admitting, “I know he means well.”

“He does,” she agrees. “But, that doesn’t mean he can’t do better. I’ll talk to him again.”

RJ immediately looks like he feels bad, which only makes Nova’s chest ache more. “You don’t have to—”

She lifts her finger to silence him. “You’re my son. He’s my husband. I love you both, and it kills me to see ya’ll like this. I’m gonna do what I can.” And that’s a vow. The three of them have been through too much shit over the years for her to just allow the relationship between the two most important men to fall apart. She won’t let that happen. 

She can’t.

And speaking of, the door to Roman’s locker room opens, her husband walking in looking every bit as strong, powerful, and determined as he looked when he interfered yet again with Solo’s match and especially as he closed the door of that cage and challenged Jacob. 

Nova shifts in her seat, the memory bringing up other kinds of feelings which are entirely inappropriate given the presence of her children.

Cami is the first girl to notice him, lifting up her little arms and reaching for him, nearly dropping RJ’s phone in the process if not for his quick reflexes.

He most definitely got that from Roman as well, because Nova has not an athletic bone in her body.

Roman walks over and takes her from RJ, kissing her cheek, gaze almost reluctantly falling on RJ. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

Nova starts to scold Roman for such a cold introduction to their son they haven’t seen since he left for his sophomore year of college over a month ago. “Mom asked me to.”

She’s good at reading between the lines, picking up on the fact that he’s essentially saying he’s only here because of Nova.

Not Roman.

Roman notices this, she’s sure. He’s a perceptive bastard. But, he says nothing. “How’s school?”

“Fine.” 

“RJ.” And her son can be a petty bastard. Like father, like son. She directs her statement to Roman, “I was thinking we could go to his game tomorrow—”

RJ, however, is quick to dismiss this. “You don’t have to.”

Nova’s gaze on Roman allows her to see the hurt that flashes in his eyes at the rejection. But as has been the case lately, he pushes it aside, replacing it with indifference. “You heard what he said. He doesn’t want us there, so we wo—”

“That’s not what I said.” RJ leans back against the chair and shrugs his shoulders, shaking his head, clearly frustrated. “You always do this. Always hear what you want to hear.” He scoffs, head turned, muttering, “I see why everybody left you.”

Nova gasps. “RJ!” She sees it, the hurt that’s just tripled and is about to be expressed in anger, leading to another big blowout between the two of them. Thankfully, this is the moment Bella finally becomes aware of Roman’s presence.

“Daddy!” She pulls off her headphones, climbs off the sofa and runs over to him, hugging his legs. 

Roman doesn’t hesitate to pick her up, both daughters in his arms as Nova leans over, running her hand through her fresh silk press. This. This is what she wanted to avoid. These are the kinds of situations that leave her in tears as she vents to her therapist about her ever growing stress levels, how torn she feels in what to do in moments like this. 

Roman is her husband, but RJ is her son. Neither is fully right, but neither is fully wrong either. How does one handle that?

Thankfully, it’s not long after that Roman is being called to prepare to get back out in the ring. This means a probably needed separation from the two titans in her life. Nova holds Cami this time, while Bella hangs onto RJ as they’re escorted ringside. 

It takes a bit of persuasion to get RJ to agree to come with her. She can see he’s ready to just leave.

But, reminding him of how big a help he is with the girls seems to win him over because while he’s certainly not in the best of places with his dad, RJ is a mama’s boy through and through. He loves him some Nova and would do anything to help her. 

Even if it means helping her with the two siblings that came as a complete shock to him.

It still makes Nova laugh a little as she recalls the horrified and almost disgusted expression on his face as she and Roman broke the pregnancy news to him.

“I didn’t even know ya’ll still did that.” And if his statement wasn’t bad enough, he just had to add insult to injury as the blunt almost 16 year-old he was at the time. “Ain’t ya’ll kinda old to still be freaking?”

No. 

Never that.

“Daddy!” This time it’s Cami who’s calling out to Roman, recognizing his new music before he even emerges from the back looking as badass as he always does. Nova is temporarily in a state of awe, overhearing Bella asking RJ to hold her so she can see better. 

Roman has come so far, done so well for himself, even with things with his family being a hot ass mess, there’s still no denying he is it. That he has it. It’s undeniable. She almost feels bad for Cody.

He’ll always be stuck in Roman’s shadow. 

The thought makes her suddenly curious about what could be one of the reasons behind the strife between her firstborn and husband. Nova tucks this in the back of her mind, planning to discuss it further in therapy.

As Roman moves into the ring, Nova stands on the sidelines, holding her baby girl on her hip, smiling back and forth between the two. She watches Roman move around the ring on their commercial break

And when his gaze falls on the set of them, her heart swells as he mouths ‘I love you’ before seamlessly transitioning back into that hardened, determined expression.

And this is why there’s two sides to Roman Reigns. The good side being the one that she sees in that brief, vulnerable exchange. The one that used to kiss her pregnant stomach as he confided in her his fears about not being a good dad, about feeling not ready, about worrying about failing in life. 

Failing her. 

Failing himself.

Failing their child.

The man who worked so hard and gave everything his all to prove he was someone, becoming that someone, yet somehow losing something in the process.

Nova knows it’s still in there though, knows that he is still the boy he fell in love with many moons ago. She knows that as frustrated as he makes her, as cold he can be, as disconnected he can seem, that love is still there and just as strong. 

And she’ll fight for it. 

For him. 

For their son.

For their family. 

She has to.

[thlayli-ra]

Punkintyre; a twisted love story (ii)

Welcome to the next part of my Punkintyre ramblings. Last time I spoke about the players and their motives, now I'll be delving into my favourite themes of the ship.

***As always, please note that this is just my own headcanons and are for a spot of fun***

'Look me in the eye when you speak to me, please?'

Punkintyre is all about obsession; mainly Drew's obsession with Punk. Or to be more exact, Drew's obsession with getting Punk to look at him.

He notoriously said 'don't lower those eyes, Punk. Look me in the eyes when you speak to me, please' (and my lower half burst into a million pieces). There was so much to that one line. How it belittled the veteran; Drew was telling him that things had changed in the WWE since his absence, that Punk was no longer the top dog, nor was Drew the young, starry-eyed upstart. He was telling Punk that their roles were now reversed and that Drew was the one making the orders around here now so Punk better damn start listening!

But then... he said 'please'.

And all the power slipped away from his statement with that one, solitary word. Because he wasn't 'telling' Punk, he was 'asking' him. Asking him to look Drew in the eye and give him his attention, his respect. Everything that Punk had denied him their first time around in WWE. Drew is still bitter about it and now he wants that attention more than ever. When the jabs on social media and on-air didn't get the reaction he hoped for, Drew put Punk front and centre at his match at Wrestlemania as a special guest commentator. That way Punk has no option but to look at him at long last.

That should have been enough! But it wasn't, and after winning the title, Drew found himself drawn to Punk, wanting to lavish in the older man's attention up close and personal. Crawling towards him on the table, rubbing the belt in his face, getting to his feet so that Punk has to stare up at him as he insulted him. And for a while, Punk didn't bite... until he did!

Drew finally got what he wanted; Punk's attention. But it was a double-edged sword and cost him dearly. First Wrestlemania, then the no.1 contendership the following night, then Clash at the Castle, then Money in the Bank. The finger on the monkey paw had curled and Drew discovered too late that Punk's gaze is a curse. He'd opened a can of worms and couldn't just cram them all back in again.

Which leads us nicely onto...

Broken Dreams

At the Royal Rumble 2014, Punk had his last match in WWE. He didn't know it at the time - all that he knew was that he was burnt out, jaded and tired. Tired of the constant struggle, the backstage politics and above all, this sickness that had festered inside him for months. He couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, the medicine he was prescribed was wreaking havoc with his bowels until he'd shat himself on live television and an angry boil seethed beneath the waistband of his trunks.

As he sat in the trainer's room in Cleveland before Raw the following night, suffering from a concussion that he'd picked up during the Rumble, a medic thrust a cup in his hand and told the famously straight edge wrestler to piss in it. It was the final straw and Punk walked away. Some months later, the WWE fired him. On his wedding day.

At the Royal Rumble 2024, Punk had his first match back in WWE in ten years. He didn't need to return - it had taken a lot of pride-swallowing and bridge-mending - and he had already accomplished so much in his tenure with the company. Except... for one. His holy grail. His white whale. The prize catch that had slipped through his hands time and time again.

Main-eventing Wrestlemania!

And it was finally within his reach, all but guaranteed. His name was big enough, his draw undeniable. He ran into the Rumble with a purpose, a rejuvenated spirit and love for his profession.

Until he was caught on the wrong end of a Future Shock DDT...

At Wrestlemania 2020, Drew McIntyre won the WWE Championship. This was a culmination of his entire life's work and dedication, of pushing through the bleakest of times when all hope had gone, of working through addiction, of picking himself back up and igniting that spark again to light his way back through the shadows. At long last, he'd been rewarded for his efforts. Heaving himself up from his knees, tears in his eyes, he clutched his beloved prize and climbed the turnbuckle to show it off-

-to an empty room!

Drew's greatest moment would always be tainted by the presence of Covid-19. Where there should have been crowds cheering, noise and atmosphere was instead an empty silence. It hardly echoed the weight of this victory for him personally.

At Wrestlemania in 2024, Drew won the World Heavyweight Championship. It was everything that his victory in 2020 hadn't been. Dubbed the Biggest Wrestlemania in history, the noise from the capacity crowd was deafening, almost shattering his ear drums. He stumbled to his wife and brother in the crowd, presented them the title he had won, hugged them, kissed them.

Then, he spied CM Punk, sitting at commentary clapping with the rest of the crowd. He could have turned and left, ignored the call of the siren but he didn't...

At Clash at the Castle in 2022, Drew was the Hometown Hero. Well... close enough! It may have been Wales but it was the UK and he was the biggest name in the company from these parts so he was the one chosen to be the face of the PLE and to main-event it. And what a main event! It was Drew's chance to stare down the barrel of the Tribal Chief, Roman Reigns, and hope was high for a de-throning. Drew had pushed Roman to his limits in the build-up and reduced the Head of the Table down to his knees.

But it was not to be. Despite a valiant effort from the contender, the champion retained, though, not without an unfair advantage from the Usos and their baby brother, Solo Sikoa, making his main roster debut. But Drew was given no time to wallow; there was still minutes on the clock and he was forced to pick himself up, put on a fake smile and entertain the crowd until they went off the air, unable to show the world how his heart was breaking.

At Clash at the Castle in 2024, Drew was the Hometown Hero. For real this time! They were in Glasgow, Scotland, his home country, a mere thirty miles from where he had grown up, in the city where he had studied at university, where he had trained to wrestle, where he had cut his teeth and, above all, the city that had welcome him back with open arms when he had failed. It was here that he had reinvented himself, became something bigger and better, rejuvenated his gimmick and, in turn, his career. He returned a conquering hero, at the top of the mountain and ready to give back to the city that he loved so much.

The stars were aligned so perfectly, like a beautiful constellation that could only be witnessed every thousand years. He could finally feel the darkness of the past few months lift, he had a chance for redemption, to become the hero he was destined to be as he pinned Damian Priest to win the championship that had eluded him all Summer in front of his people, his town, his country.

The referee slid into the ring and counted the one, two...

It's highly appropriate that Drew was the one to kick-start this feud by shattering Punk's Wrestlemania hopes considering that his previous entrance music was called 'Broken Dreams'. Since then, it's his own dreams that have been ripped from him time and again by a vengeful Punk who has vowed that Drew will never hold another championship as long as he's breathing.

As the feud has progressed, there has been less focus on this theme, yet it remains the main crux of it and what it boils down to; having something precious stolen away.

Speaking of which...

The Scarf and the Bracelet

There has been a lot of talk of the similarities between Punk's feud with Drew and his incredible feud in AEW with MJF. The psycho-sexual obsession, the wily veteran taking on the younger talent who's now more established, the match where they are literally attached to one another, the ambiguity between who's right and who's wrong, um...whipping... the list goes on.

But one similarity that I like yet I've never seen brought up is that both feuds involved something getting stolen. In AEW, Punk stole MJF's scarf and walked in the following week wearing it around his neck. He said he was hoping it would evoke a reaction from Max, but then he discovered that it was a cheap replica, one of thousands that cost a few bucks on Amazon. It meant nothing. It was a callous way for Punk to call Max hollow, a poser acting like he was somebody important when in actuality everything he did and possessed was empty and meaningless.

In WWE, Drew stole Punk's bracelet.

And it's acknowledged from the start that it's a cheap piece of plastic, worth only a few cents. But unlike Max's scarf, its sentimental value is priceless. It was lovingly crafted by a fan, a gift for her hero and on it, a sequence of little white cubes spell out the names 'AJ' and 'Larry'. The two people who make up the entirety of Punk's world. He's found himself at the bottom, he's cut ties with his biological family, he's walked away from a lucrative career, leaving behind friends and colleagues who have lived in each other's pockets for years, he's been beaten bloody and humiliated on live TV, he's had his name and reputation dragged through the dirt, he's suffered through injury and surgery and injury and surgery.

And through it all, every time he was knocked down, the two people he loves most have been there to help him back up. After his brutal defeat in his first UFC bout, an emotional Punk was asked what his wife said to him after the match. He put down the mic, leaned back, closed his eyes and took several deep breaths to compose himself. When he picked the mic back up, his voice croaked as he said 'she said she was proud of me'.

Larry was abandoned, left alone and unloved in a pound. Considered too ugly to adopt. Perhaps Punk saw a little of himself in Larry; a rough, scraggly little mutt with a lot of fight in him and a lot of heart.

It's all these sentiments and more that are contained within the colourful beads of a simple trinket. Drew could have stolen anything from Punk but he went right for the one that mattered most besides his wedding ring. Right for Punk's heart.

His family.

And looking at the way Drew handles it, it's obvious that it means the world to him too. But we'll talk about that next time. Sorry! 😈)

[hangingslothcentral]

what i didn't realise when i started making Spirit Box Radio back in 2020 was how inexorably it would become tied up in my own real life transition. before i started recording the show, it felt like my decision that i would play Sam, who was originally only going to use he/him pronouns, was a risk because i was pre-t. would people misgender him? how would i feel about that? would it make people switch off?

i made that choice as a person who was expecting not to be able to start transitioning until after the show ended. when it became clear it would be sooner than that (thank u Indigo Gender, my beloved), my feelings about playing Sam changed. i decided he'd use the same pronouns as me - he/they - and that i wasn't going put off going on t until after the end of the show, though i did very seriously consider doing that.

i went on t halfway through the show's middle season. my voice didn't properly drop for ages but it got a smidge deeper quite quickly, and i had to make a decision, fast, about how i would manage that in the show's world. throat spiders? weird magic effects? or... just. make it so Sam transitions medically at that point, too.

and i opted for the last option not really thinking about how it would make me feel. the story of Spirit Box Radio is very much a story about stories, those which get told about us, those we tell about ourselves and each other. stories have the power to shape our lives , and in the world of Spirit Box Radio, they often do this literally.

Sam as a character is someone who takes up his mantle of host of Spirit Box Radio with nervous enthusiasm, in much the way I started making audio dramas in the middle of COVID lockdowns after five years of my manuscripts getting steady rejections from literary agents. we both being unsure of ourselves and how valid it is for us to take the role we find available; for Sam, host; for me, showrunner, director, writer, main character, sound editor, etc.

the show is coming to an end now, and just two months after it does so, i will be getting top surgery. my voice seems to have finished changing and is now just sort of evening out as the story of SBR reaches its conclusion. and it all just feels very... neat.

i don't really have a point to make here, just that it's very emotional for me to be getting to the end of the show. finishing any project is emotional, especially a long one, but my relationship with making SBR has been one of many ups and downs and a lot of emotional turmoil, and the experience of making it had been the backdrop to one of the strangest, most exciting, most terrifying times of my life.

i really hope those of you who've listened to the show have enjoyed the jouney it takes you on. thanks for coming with me on this one, folks. you're the real ones <3 <3

-- Eira xxx

[kozachenko]

A Retrospective Analysis on Touhou 17

So it's finally here, and even though I know for a fact that I am not going to be able to get the Keiki drawing done by this time (I'm having trouble with the eyes, for some reason it's always that aspect of drawing her that's difficult for me, I can never really capture the essence of her character no matter what I do) I still wanted to post something about this game today since it's the game's 5 year anniversary. I have a lot of thoughts on it, and my views on the game have changed quite a lot throughout my time being a Touhou fan. This is going to be very long so I'll put the rest under the keep reading tag.

So for some background, Touhou 17 was the first Touhou game I ever played, I got into the series during 2021 shortly after my Hunter X Hunter phase ended (since the manga was still on hiatus at the time) and I remember playing 17 during that time as well. I'm pretty sure that the reason I played it was because of that one nitirushh animation where Keiki disses the animal spirits so hard that they die (still my favourite fan-depection of Keiki tbh, it's just really funny to me) and that set my interest in the game itself. It was also the newest Touhou game at the time and none of the other games interested me as much. Then I actually played the game and at the time I found it insanely fun. I remember feeling so excited playing the stage 1 of the game and thinking to myself "Holy shit I'm actually playing a Touhou game" and having a lot of fun with it. Even though the game itself is the easiest out of all the Touhou games, it was still a challenge for me at the time since I had never played a bullet Hell before. For this reason, the game as a whole struck a chord with me. Funny Touhou animation aside, I don't know if it was because I had only recently gotten out of my Hunter X Hunter phase after finishing the whole 2011 version of the anime and had caught up with the manga during 2020, but maybe some aspect of 17 kinda scratched a similar itch in my brain and it really stuck with me IDK.

As for what I think of the game itself now.... gameplay wise, it could be better, it's still fun but there was so much potential for the game to tell it's story through the medium it chose to present itself in. Why did we not have more similarities between Eika and Keiki's danmaku styles to show their connection? Why did we not have a moment similar to what happened in TD during the final boss fight where Mayumi comes back in to take over during the fight in a last ditch effort to protect Keiki? It's the final boss so go all out! The animal spirits could also be balanced a lot better as well, especially with Youmu becoming incredibly overpowered with the wolf spirit, and visibility is a bit of a problem in this game. Some of the tracks could use a bit more polish too, I commend ZUN for being experimental with his newer tracks but the stage 3 theme and staff roll theme are both kinda eh, and while the boss themes have a lot of good punch to them and can be really good, it still feels like some extra spice could've been added to really make them stand out (which is why I love the theme remixes Saki and Yachie got in Touhou 19). I also wish the Animal Realm got explained better within the lore of the series, mainly because it raises a lot of questions about how Hell was founded and it kinda needlessly complicates things. I would've rather it be introduced as it's own region of Hell rather than being a separate thing entirely that just so happens to be located next to it. I also wish that we got more stuff with this setting that explains how it connects to the rest of the worldbuilding a lot more, I definitely feel like actually having it explained more in the mangas would definitely help to make it feel less convuluted, but unfortunately the closest we're getting are cameos in Lotus Eaters and very brief mentions of the games themselves. I still like the game though, as I've mentioned I do love a lot of the music and I love all the characters we got introduced to in this game. I've been appreciating Eika a lot more recently, I do like Urumi but she's neat and I like her design a lot, Kutaka is a fucking shithead who kept FUCKING UP MY 1CCS IN BOTH 17 AND 17.5 THE FUCKING BITCH- who is very funny and I love seeing more insight into Hell's management. Yachie's great and I find her relationships to the other characters in this game very interesting, Mayumi is awesome and the more I think about her the more I like her, and I love how Saki contrasts Yachie in her strategies. That being she has no strategy and just goes "fuck it, we ball" with no hesitation lmao.

I'm pretty sure you all noticed the absence of one character in particular, that being Keiki. I've made it no secret on this blog that Keiki is my favourite Touhou character, and a lot of that is because of her role as an antagonist in Touhou 17. I always found it really fascinating how ZUN created her as an allegory for AI (I don't know if Apollo just randomly blessed him with the gift of prophecy because MAN does that statement hit harder now more than ever) and the fact that she's portrayed as a very morally grey character in the game itself and Reimu's reaction to her, stating that she can see an "evil aura" in Keiki. I've already talked a lot about Keiki on this blog and I don't know what there is that I haven't said, but I wanted to start off with her because it ties into a big part of why I still find this game's story interesting. That main aspect being it's parallels to Gensokyo and Touhou's overarching them of humanity's relationship with nature.

So to step back from 17 for a second, I feel like we should look at what the Youkai represent in the story. Youkai in Touhou are created from humanity's fear, and back before science was able to properly explain anything, this fear very often manifested into a fear of nature. Natural disasters would end up wiping out villages, dangerous animals would often lurk in forests and end up killing anyone who would go in them. Overall nature isn't very kind to humanity, and humanity knows this. This is why humanity would often try and find reasons as to why these things would happen. This brings us back to the Youkai in Touhou who are the embodiment of the unexplainable. In manga like Forbidden Scrollery and Lotus Eaters, we often see how the humans in the human village are at the mercy of these Youkai, the only reason that they aren't being slaughtered is entirely for their own benefit so they don't run out of resources. The only hope the humans in the village really have is to turn to the gods, another product of man's desire to explain the unexplainable, to potentially save them. The survival of the people in the human village will always be in the hands of beings beyond their comprehension. No matter what, humanity will always be at the mercy of nature.

Coming back to Touhou 17, we can see that the relationship between the human and beast spirits isn't exactly.... pleasant. The beast spirits all see the human spirits as slaves essentially and they gain strength from their torment. The only way that the human spirits are even able to stand a chance against them is to submit themselves to a god and pray for their protection. And even then there's no way in Hell that they're getting out of this situation since the god they're praying to views them the same way as the animal spirits (whether they are aware of it or not).

So if you haven't noticed by my word choice, there are quite a lot of similarities here with the dynamics of the Animal realm and Gensokyo. That's not even mentioning the fact that in both places we have at least 3 different parties fighting over control of the humans, whether it be animal spirits or Youkai. Hell, this race for power in Gensokyo is a plot point in Lotus Eaters and Forbidden Scrollery, so it's not like this is a new concept for the series to explore either.

There's also something to be said about how Keiki and the technology she brings with her are seen as a threat to the order of the animal realm. Throughout human history, humanity's creativity and ingenuity have always been major factors in our survival as a species. We created tools to use the nature around us and make it work to our advantage, we created weapons to more efficiently hunt and find food to survive, and we created art and literature to document our histories and make sense of the world. Going back to 17, Keiki is the epitome of humanity's evolution and creativity and she is the one who responded to the human's cries for salvation. Another thing to think about is that in Gensokyo, the best the villagers are going to get in terms of technology are old computers that are very limited in their use, and even then barely anyone will have any idea how to use them. The reason that Gensokyo even exists in the first place is to preserve the Youkai and Gods that would become forgotten by humanity's technological advancement. In both of these places, technological advancement is seen as a threat to the natural order and must be suppressed at all costs.

Of course in Gensokyo it isn't as extreme as the animal realm. The Kappa, the Tengu, and even gods like Kanako are all quite technologically advanced and/or are introducing new technologies to Gensokyo (those are just the ones I could list off the top of my head, but please tell me if there are more that I forgot). But here's the interesting thing, notice how none of the examples I listed there were humans. The only way for the humans of Gensokyo to have these technologies introduced to them is if the powers that be, nature, let them have those technologies. Going back to the animal realm, even after Keiki is defeated we can see that the beast spirits are still using the technologies she (most likely) introduced, i.e. that one chapter in Lotus Eaters where one of the otter spirits introduced what is essentially a GameBoy to the Kappa and Nitori saying stuff like, "oh yeah the animal realm is actually pretty technologically advanced nowadays" as well as that one story in CoLA where Ran and Yachie deal with the AI Sumireko made. Once again, the only times when the use of technology goes unprotested in this series are when it's kept out of the hands of humans and back into the hands of nature. Even when humans are able to fight back and create their own technology, nature will always win in the end, no matter how hard humanity tries to defeat it. The way Touhou 17 ends is indicative of this, with Keiki being defeated and the Animal Realm returning to it's status quo.

However, Gensokyo has never had this kind of issue before.... or so it may seem. Yes there's never been any technological uprising by the human villagers and with the way things are there most likely never will be, but when you take away the potential for technological advancement from humans then the next best thing would be magic. And when humans in Gensokyo use magic to find a way to gain power and be more than just fodder for the Youkai, they end up being punished. This is most prevalent in Forbidden Scrollery when Reimu kills the fortune teller. I don't think I need to go too in depth about this moment since I already did so in my Forbidden Scrollery review but this once again shows a parallel between Gensokyo and the Animal Realm.

So what am I trying to say with all of this? I've been bringing up a lot of the similarities that these two places have but similarities can just be chalked up to coincidences that don't mean anything. What I've been trying to say with this whole thing is that the Animal Realm represents an extreme version of Gensokyo, one where every ugly aspect of it is dialed up to 11 and the law of the strong eating the weak rules all. It's a Gensokyo without a spell card system to level the playing field. I do want to say that I don't believe Gensokyo is a grimdark setting, sure some parts about it are bleaker than others, but there are also many good aspects of Gensokyo that I feel like I should bring up. It's a safe-haven for the forgotten, and if we continue viewing the Youkai and Gods from the lens of both of them being allegories for nature, Gensokyo is a place where nature can fluorish outside of humanity's hands. Unlike the Animal Realm, Gensokyo was never established with the intentions of harming people. Nature is both beautiful and terrifying, and where Gensokyo displays the beautiful sides of nature, the Animal Realm displays all the ugly sides of it. Even then, there is some overlap between the two, Gensokyo does have a nastier side to it and the Animal Realm is a place where nature can exist unrestrained by humanity (even if the place is still a shitshow overall). Now that I think about it, this sort of duality between the two realms is kinda fitting for Touhou, and I can't stress enough that when I say that Gensokyo and the Animal Realm have some parallels I am not trying to say Gensokyo is a grimdark dystopia. Hell even going back into the Lotus Eaters manga, the otter spirit that escaped from the Animal Realm even said that Gensokyo was a better place to live.

So yeah, I don't really have any good way to end this aside from saying happy 5 year anniversary Touhou 17. You are a flawed game but god do I still love you. Oh yeah, and if there's anything I missed or any mistakes I made, please correct me/let me know.

[kylesvariouslistsandstuff]

Take with a grain of salt.

It's been over a year since DreamWorks rather unceremoniously rolled out a little movie called RUBY GILLMAN, TEENAGE KRAKEN. A movie that unusually was kept under wraps until... 3 1/2 months before release date. Official announcement from the studio, title, synopsis, trailer... All on the same March day, just months before its end of June release...

Now, the movie was briefly talked about unofficially by scooper sites in around 2021/22, and some DreamWorks employees had a MEET THE GILLMANS on their resumes, otherwise... Nada. Usually an animated movie is announced a year or so before its eventual release.

But, it being intended for streaming first and then hastily being bumped up to theatrical release (which has happened to movies from other companies, such as BARBARIAN and SMILE) could explain why DreamWorks just dumped this one. It did get decent reviews and could've been a small success in its own right, had it not been released in such a crowded summer...

It does feel kinda "streaming movie", though. A lowkey little effort, but I think it's cool that Universal and DreamWorks gave it a theatrical release if it was indeed intended to be some Peacock tuck-away. ORION AND THE DARK was a straight-to-Netflix affair, despite being co-written by Charlie Kauffman. I'm sure you'll see more of those every couple of years from DreamWorks. Something that's actually neat, and you wonder... "Why didn't that go to theaters?"

But it begs a question...

Around 2022, it was reported by the Fine Tooning podcast that DreamWorks' game plan going forward was "a sequel and a non-sequel" every calendar year. 2022 was BAD GUYS and LAST WISH, 2024 had KUNG FU PANDA 4 already and we have THE WILD ROBOT around the corner. DOG MAN and BAD GUYS 2 mark 2025, in addition to a TV series adaptation GABBY'S DOLLHOUSE. 2026 only houses SHREK 5 so far, it is unknown what the non-sequel opening that year is. (I've kinda given up on RONAN BOYLE happening. Maybe it's... I dunno... An original movie from LAST WISH/CROODS 2 director Joel Crawford?)

What would've accompanied TROLLS 3 in 2023 if RUBY GILLMAN remained a streaming title? Was THE WILD ROBOT at one point eyeing a spring/summer 2023 debut? 2023 would've been pretty quick for that movie, as director Chris Sanders presumably finished up his CALL OF THE WILD movie for 20th Century Studios in mid-2019. That was supposed to be a Christmas 2019 release, but after Disney completed their acquisition of 21st Century Fox film & TV assets in early 2019, CALL OF THE WILD moved to February 2020. Blue Sky's SPIES IN DISGUISE took its spot.

Could be!

If you remember... At one point, whatever that DreamWorks movie was going to be... RUBY GILLMAN, WILD ROBOT, something else... Would've opened in the fall of 2022... Well before that summer rush.

At one time, DreamWorks' slate had THE BAD GUYS opening in September 2021. That would've been followed by a spring 2022 release of PUSS IN BOOTS 2, and then fall 2022 would've housed an original/non-sequel. Which possibly puts a hole in the "test screening" claims. Maybe another picture was in the works, and then got cancelled.

If I remember correctly, COVID-19 altered that plan, with 2021 only being the year of BOSS BABY 2 and SPIRIT UNTAMED. BAD GUYS moved to April 2022, and booted PUSS IN BOOTS 2 to September 2022. This was when parent distributor Universal was planning to roll out the MARIO movie in Christmas 2022...

... Until they wanted the release of that movie to coincide with the Nintendo theme park opening, so... April 2023, boots the DreamWorks movie set for late March 2023 to June 2023... Which boots Illumination's MIGRATION to Christmas 2023. Dominoes.

And RUBY GILLMAN ended up being the June 2023 Universal animation release... And that was right after a Disney remake of a certain redhead mermaid movie... RUBY GILLMAN, which had been in some form of development since 2016 and probably entered full production by 2021, was kind of a victim of coincidence here. A benign cartoon plot about mermaids being the enemy of krakens (usually, we associate krakens with big scary monsters, while mermaids are often portrayed as non-threatening, simple subversion), used as some sort of anti-LITTLE MERMAID movie. A new weapon in a particular group of dingus' dumbass "culture war". And then you had a weird subset of LITTLE MERMAID remake fans who interpreted the movie - minus some weird rightwing crap - as some sort of jab at Halle Bailey's take on Ariel... The internet is full of embarrassment, isn't it? All that, over a silly movie that just so happened to open close to LITTLE MERMAID.

So yeah, RUBY GILLMAN initially being a streaming movie would definitely fill in the blanks regarding its very weird rollout last summer. DreamWorks/Universal have since announced other movies well before release.

[doumekiss]

If you are here to contact me on behalf of someone else read this first

So I really hoped I wouldn’t have to make this post, but it recently came to my knowledge that a person I blocked many years ago started to send messages to a person she saw me interacting with here on my dungeon meshi prompt post asking them to send me a message on their behalf. I don’t have any wishes to receive messages from this person, so please don’t. Below I will explain a little bit of my history with her: 

So the person who contacted them won’t leave me alone, I’ve blocked them on everything and they won’t take no for an answer, I’ve told people in my life that if one day somebody kills me to look her up as a possible suspect because of how much she creeps me out, this is not the first time she saw me interacting with someone online and tried to get close to them.

I am going to explain a little bit about the context so you guys know where I am coming from so I met Ana on a Brazilian fanfiction website called Nyah Fanfiction back in 2015, and she was one of my most frequent readers and I had a lot of affection for her at that time. So in 2018 when some friends and I decided to create a WhatsApp group to send prompts and do challenges and just talk about fandom things, I decided to invite her to join. She accepted and became one of the most active members.

And then after a few months things started to get weird, anything I said she would get offended and hurt, and she would take everything personally, like she saw me liking an episode of Black Mirror that she didn't like as a personal attack on her and it was hurting me to constantly be treated as a villain to the point that sometimes I dreaded to send messages to the group I created, but I continued to ignore it until this incident at the end of 2019:

We did a mini ficathon on the group and Ana wrote a oneshot based on a prompt that I sent and she send me a message letting me know, usually when someone does something based on a prompt I try to read it the same day, but that week I was tired, at the time I was working and studying for some important exams (and she knew this because I mentioned it in the group), and then on the evening of the same day she sent a message asking if I had read it yet, and a bunch of other messages in the following days. So I went to tell her that this in the fandom was considered bad behavior and it's not something she should do to me or anyone else (she was 18/19 years old at the time and I know that often this kind of thing isn't very clear to young people in fandom). And then she got mad and said that I was bad and that she liked my writing but that I was a terrible person and a lot of other things.

I reflected for a few days and I went to tell her that I thought it was better for us to stop interacting, that we were clearly incompatible as friends and that because of our different personalities we were hurting each other. She was pissed but accepted it when it became clear that I wasn't going to change my mind.

A little before that I joined a different brazilian fanfic website called spirit fanfiction because most people had abandoned nyah at that point due to some really shitty management decisions that made the site almost unusable. Around the time that I chose to end our friendship I unfollowed her there, but I didn't block her. A week later after the drama, she started to favorite the works I posted here, and comment super nice things on some of them (I had a lot of nyah content to pass from one site to another), and send prompts in the first prompt journals I published (back them the site had this feature of creating blog posts similar to livejournal, and there is also a timeline feature that is similar to a mini twitter, this will be relevant soon), and I was a little uncomfortable because I asked her to stop interacting with me, but I thought it would be ridiculous to make drama about it and I just let it go.

A few months go by in november of 2020, and then I receive a message from someone who created an account just to let me know that Ana was talking bad things about me all the time on the timeline and sending messages to everyone who followed me to let them know that I was terrible person. At the time I barely interacted with the timeline, it wasn't a feature of the site that I read or paid attention to, I generally talked to people through comments on the fics. So I went to read Ana's timeline, and it was creepy as fuck, almost every day for months there was some subtweet about me, sometimes many times on the same day, things like that I copied her stories (which btw I didn't even read), that I had an evil soul, that she felt stalked by me, that I was rotten inside, that I should be run over by a bus. And she got so angry when people said something positive about me or interacted with my stories, there was a comment that I found particularly strange about me stealing readers (like how you steal someone's readers? It's not like a person chooses just one writer to read, I don't know, maybe she thought that every time someone chose to read something of mine they were rejecting reading something of her idk).

And after that, some things started to make sense, like my number of followers kept going up and down in those months, a sometimes people stopped following me just a few hours after they started for no reason at all. And some people continued to follow me but stopped interacting with my stories, at the time I was really active in the A Song of Ice and Fire fandom, and as soon as I joined the site I started interacting a little with other writers in the fandom because it was one of the ones I had more content to post, but then little by little they stopped talking to me, people who at first treated me very well, at the time I received the message I think there was two or three people still talking to me on that community. So I blocked her, and a few hours later she went to talk to Vanessa, a really good friend of mine she met through the group, that she didn't understand why I had done that. After receiving the message I talked about it with the person who sent me and also with a couple of personal friends on private and Vanessa was one of them, and she was someone who had known me for over ten years at that point, so she told me about Ana’s message and asked me if she could tell Ana that I knew what she was doing, and I said yes. And now I became super aware of the timeline and then I saw that Ana was making herself the victim there saying that she was going to leave the site because she made powerful enemies (seriously, the image she has of me is so distorted, she thinks I'm super popular but like when if you look at my fics you see that this really isn't the case, I have a few that ended up popular but you know I’ve been writing since 2009 I wrote over a thousand stories eventually something would end up popular lmao, but if you see in general most of the things I post only has like 2 or 4 favorites, I only have a large number of followers because I write for a lot of different fandoms and in general I tend to follow people who follow me back on there. 

My friends suggested that I write a journal explaining to my readers that there was someone spreading rumors about me on the site, and I considered it but I thought it was better not to, because everyone would know it was her and I knew that Ana had problems with depression and anxiety, my friends pointed out that I had it too and that Ana had no problem doing these things to me, but in the end she was a teenager and I was a 27-year-old woman so I put it aside and got on with my life.

In the following years she created a few new accounts just to interact with me, and as soon as I realize it’s her I block her again. A couple of people from the asoiaf fandom that stopped talking with me started again, and told me that they used to believe a lot of bad things about me because of Ana, and then she started being creepy with them too and making a lot of drama so they blocked her and thought maybe they were wrong about me, but I’m sure there are probably a lot of people who still believe in the things she said, and sometimes I still get a little paranoid sometimes that everyone secretly hates me and that the best thing would be to delete my account and only talk to some of the few people I trust, which obviously sucks because before fandom used to be just something fun that brought me happiness and I was much more open forming friendships in the past.

I called her out public on spirit I believe it was the end of 2021 or beginning of 2022 after it came to my knowledge that she started contacting people she saw me interacting with, I couldn’t talk with anyone on the timeline or get friendly in the comments that she went to follow them and started to message them, this time not to talk shit about me but casual at first, just to befriend them, and them after a while she mentioned we had a friend in common and how sorry she is about everything. And I made it very very clear that I have no wish to have any contact with her again ever in my life, and I thought it was over until I received that message today. 

In the message she said she was sorry for everything and that she did because she was a minor and had depression and that she wants to be friends again, but like I joined fandom when I was a minor with depression and anxiety and many many other issues and I never did this sort of shit to anyone, and she is no longer a minor and she is still trying to contact me after I made it clear that I don’t want to talk to her again, she has no respect for the concept of consent when it comes to human interactions, she thinks she deserves to have access to me no matter how profoundly uncomfortable she makes me. Everytime I’m reminded of her I have to relieve this really shitty chapter of my life. 

Her current username is iammyownsaviour, I’m not telling you guys to block her or don’t be friends with her, but please don’t send me anything from her, I don’t wanna hear it. 

[she-karev]

A Day in Hell (Andrew DeLuca x Amber Karev Angst Imagine)

Previous Part

Age Rating: 12+

Chapters: Five of Six

Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy

Pairing: Andrew DeLuca x Amber Karev (Alex Karev’s Sister)

Canon Episode: Season 17 Episode 2

AN: I wanted to do a story to showcase the hardships health care workers faced when covid hit. The doctors and nurses put our health first during a worldwide crisis and we should be forever grateful for that even without a pandemic to prove what should always be known.

Summary: Amber goes to gather Ian’s belongings in the basement where she runs into Andrew who tries to apologize for the breakup wanting to get back together with her.

Words: 1671

Chapter Links Here: 1,2,3,4,5,6

April 2nd, 2020

After her shift ended at midnight, Amber decided to do the impossible and find Ian Talbert’s belongings. Before his death he entrusted her with his deceased daughter’s military necklace stating he had no one to give it to.

While she was resistant at first, she knew it would make Ian feel better before his timely death. After helping out at the check in stand in the lobby she decided to go to the room where they held all the covid patient’s belongings after their death.

The rules are they can’t be released to the family until after the crisis, but Amber didn’t want Olivia Talbert’s last possession to rot inside a bag on a shelf. If she did, she was fairly certain Ian would haunt her from beyond the grave.

With that image in her head, she is determined to find the bag, clean the necklace and wear it around her neck. A part of her hopes that some of Olivia’s fighting spirit can come to her and help her get past this terrible time they are all in.

Amber walks down the hall in the basement numbly and stands outside the room where they store old hospital equipment. And now abandoned items from the deceased. She stands outside for a moment in her scrubs, N95 mask and face shield dreading what is on the other side of the door. The young Karev takes a deep breath before gathering the courage to turn the knob, open the door and flick the light switch on.

Instead of defunct bypass machines or broken IV poles the room is filled wall to wall with shelves. And those shelves are holding plastic bags that are filled with clothes and other items left behind by their large number of deceased patients.

Amber looks at the shelves and, in that moment, wonders when her life came to this. Years of medical training and studying led to her finding a bag of her dead patients’ items in a sea of other dead patients’ items. She steps forward and silently looks around but knows she needs to read the tags on the bags to see which one was Ian’s. The time-consuming task ahead of her causes her to look up at the ceiling and close her eyes.

Normally a person would cry when face to face with death and despair, but Amber used up all her tears after Ian died. She spent 10 minutes sitting by his bedside and crying next to his dead body regretful of what little she could do for the man who unfairly contracted covid after a life of pain and grief. Instead, she closes her eyes and tries to imagine a world they used to have, one that wasn’t as sorrowful as it is now.

“Hey.” Amber’s thought train stops at the familiar voice. She turns around to find her ex-boyfriend, Andrew DeLuca standing six feet behind her in his navy-blue scrubs, N95 and face shield.

Another day Amber would tear at him for getting a job as her attending at the hospital she works at so soon after he broke up with her, kicked her out and ignored her calls when he left. But now she just wants to find the bag and go home without so much as acknowledging his existence.

She does do when she walks toward a shelf and reads the tags on the bags that aren’t organized in any way. Andrew looks at Amber in sympathy and tries to find the right words to say in this situation.

“I uh I didn’t know you’d be here.” Andrew says truthfully to Amber who ignores him, “I came down here to get Kayden’s stuff. He was the kid that came in with the burns from the car explosion. He died and…it didn’t feel right to have his parents wait to get their sons last possession. So, I came down here to try to find them. What about you?”

Amber stops moving and exhales at the agony but speaks, “Patient of mine, Ian Talbert, he died two hours ago.”

Andrew closes his eyes, “I treated him his first day…I liked him. He told me the odds of my rent skyrocketing with the economy right now. I gave him the whiteboards so he can have something to do. How are you?”

Amber stops moving and faces her ex with a blank look, “I don’t know how to answer that.”

DeLuca nods knowing the feeling as well. Amber exhales in relief at finding the bag, “I found Ian’s stuff you can have the room to yourself. Shut the lights on your way out.”

“Amber…” She stops and faces him fully six feet away with the bag in her hand, “I left you a voicemail last week.”

“Yeah, I know.” Amber responds numbly, “I listened to it…you said you wanted to talk so talk.”

Andrew sighs and starts, “I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t mean much and I know you’re angry and you have every single right to be, but I want to fix this. I want you home with me and I want you in my life I need you in my life.”

“Do you remember what I told you the day you came back for Webber?” Andrew looks down in shame as she continues, “I told you that if you got help and begged for my forgiveness you weren’t gonna get it because you ruined us, you ruined me. And now you think you can just show up and I’ll move back like everything’s okay? Like you didn’t drive a stake through my heart?!”

“I know I can’t make it right and I know I said a lot of awful things, but they weren’t true. It was the mania and I know I made it worse when I ignored you but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you, I still love you.”

Amber’s face is filled with rage for the man she once loved, “You destroyed me. You don’t destroy people that you love I learned that from watching my father beat the crap out of my mother. My father who you said I would end up like when I was trying to help you. My mother who you compared me to when you had frostbite and kicked me out of our home!”  

Andrew stops at the harsh recounts by Amber of what the mania made him do and how much it hurt her, “You must really think I’m like my mother because going back to a man who made her life hell is exactly what she did with my father even after he put her in the ICU.”

Andrew sighs and tries again, “I know I messed up; I know I scared you and I know I said a lot of things I am never gonna be able to take back and I am sorry. I’m sorry, I love you, I am in love with you and that has never changed. I am doing the work and I promise you if you give me a chance, I will do everything I can to make us right.”

“Make us right?” Amber asks in disbelief, “How do you right pushing me away when I was trying to help you? Or saying I am exactly like my parents who abused and neglected me? Or how about throwing the moment my brother tried to kill me to my face because you knew it would hurt me and it did!”

Andrew shakes his head chastising himself for screwing his relationship up so badly, “I’m sorry I’m so sorry I am an idiot. I am such an idiot, I am a jerk, I should’ve listened to you months ago I know that I know I messed up. I thought I was above this, and I didn’t want to admit there was something wrong, but I did, and I am working on it. I’m trying to make up for what I did and who I hurt and all that matters to me right now is you and me-”

“You and me?” Amber asks disdainfully, “There is no you and me, you kicked me out, you left me.”

“And I came back.”

“You came back because you saw a new case to obsess over not because of me, it is never about me because you didn’t care about me enough to call me back after you had a mental breakdown and dropped the face of the earth!”

Andrew sighs in despair, “I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying that!” Amber tells him in anger, and he stops, “You can’t fix this with a sorry and I don’t want to fix this!”

Amber inhales and tries to keep herself from crying again, “You were the only person, the only one who didn’t call me crazy or made me feel worthless. You said I was crazy like my mom, and you made me feel worthless when you kicked me out of that apartment like garbage.”

Andrew looks down in shame knowing he can’t mend that with a hundred sorry’s. Amber makes that clear as she continues.

“And you did it so easily like that’s how you really felt about me for two years. There’s no going back there is no apology that can make me forget the past year of hell I wasted begging you to get help. You hurt me and you can’t undo that, and you can’t expect me to take you back because it’s what my mother did with my father, and I am not gonna repeat that!”

Andrew’s guilt worsens with his ex-girlfriend comparing them to her parent’s horrible marriage. He knows by then that when her parents are brought up there is no going back.

“I’m glad you’re getting help I am.” Amber says truthfully, “But there is no going back to the way things were, you made sure of that.”

Amber walks around Andrew and exits the room leaving him heartbroken over the end of their relationship in a room where grief is at it’s highest.

[oonajaeadira]

For the Love of Fic: August 21

Now that the busytimes are over, I just desperately wanted to get back to the fic world. And I may have binged a little. No punishments plz. I have a lot of catching up to do.

Also dang, there's a lot of Jack this time around. There must be whiskey in the water...

🪐 = Year of Themed Creation fic

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JOEL MILLER

Kindred Spirits by @all-the-things-2020 🪐 It's Anne of Green Gables, but with Ellie and Joel. Really, y'all, this one caught me in my chest and had me tearing up more than once watching Joel come back to life for the love of a new daughter. My heart!!!!!

Surrender Chapter 10 and Chapter 11 by @ezrasbirdie So now we've gotten to the end of Kin and I'm still tense about Joel and Ellie even if I understand that their story will lead them back to Jackson. But now I'm just worried about Daisy. She's so vulnerable, so convinced that love is an accident or will always be so fragile and fleeting, I'm so afraid she'll run from it before she has a chance for it to really sink in. I just want to smoosh her and never let her go.

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EZRA

Taking Root by @the-blind-assassin-12 This short story takes place in an existing Ezra storyline, but you don't need to know that series to appreciate this fluffy bit of lovely, heartwarming give and take between Ezra and Cee as they make a gift for someone they love and care for.

E is for Exhibition by @butchmandalorian 🪐 Pro dom!Ezra is back, my beloved, and this time it's sex in a movie theater. He is such a menace and loves his work so much. I really wish the man was real. I am not a BDSM girl, but there's just something about butchmandalorian's Ez that gets me in all the right places.

Kinktober in June: Focus by @leslie-lyman Holy balls, y'all. This is mesmerizing in every single sense of the word: a little hypno-kink will do ya. Even without his arm and his humanity, Ezra still has many skills. The ability to manipulate and get what he wants. A silken voice. Patience. And apparently, that's all you need too.

E. - "Are you sure you're ready for this?" by @missredherring A drabbled writing exercise wherein Miss Red takes the prompt out of the smut box and into a softer place. Which is totally my jam.

Miles and Time by @never--doubt 🪐 Have I said yet how much I love Ezra? Or soulmates? I've never seen this mechanic before--the one where you have numbers on your wrist counting down the distance between soulmates. I love it. There's a lifetime of angst, but man, Ezra's worth the wait.

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JACK DANIELS

Draft Release: Dial Up the Jack, Dim the Whiskey by @artemiseamoon 🪐 You know, I had the same reaction to Jack that OFC Bria does here. Initially, I thought he was ridiculous and full of ego, not worth losing my heart to. But she gets to see the Jack that's deep down inside that Whiskey persona and...well...never say never.

untitled by @brandyllyn Hi would you like to be punched in the heart with just 600 words? Why don't you read what happens when Jack comes back from taking another bullet to the skull? I feel like this could be the prologue to a story that could end up so so sweet...but damn, that last sentence is a doozy.

Saying I Love You With Flowers by @songsformonkeys 🪐 I'm not really a flower person myself, but if I was getting them from y crush constantly, I could be converted real fast. Is there anything as lovely as when Jack's both a scamp and a gentleman all at once? He's the master at it and I am a puddle at his feet.

How Wrong You Are by @haylzcyon A short and sweet piece wherein Jack professes his care in the aftermath of a sketchy getaway. Haylz is never over-saccharine, but hits all the notes just right, just like a damn fine Whiskey indeed.

Bangathon: Position: Kneeling Reach Around (with Marcus Pike) and Position: 69 by @prolix-yuy My goodness, LJ is great at the smut and I love how she writes Jack. He's a confident lover, putting the object of his affection exactly where he needs them...and where they will soon understand they need to be. He may go after what he wants, but he never pushes too hard and always makes sure it's what they really want. I would 100% want to be in this man's mustachio'ed embrace. Yee-effin-haw.

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JAVI GUTIERREZ

Music Box: Prologue by @beecastle Aw yeah, we're getting Little Mermaid AU! This is a quick prologue setting us up for wanting more--both in terms of story AND in terms of the reader character wanting to learn more about humans. I'm hoping there's a certain sweet human in her eyeline soon....

To Your Rescue by @flightlessangelwings 🪐 Oh to be in the employ of Javi Gutierrez. To have his attention, his yearning looks, his protection. Really, my favorite thing would be to fall asleep watching movies with him...and you'll get that here too.

Litha by @grogusmum 🪐 Javi and his beekeeper girl are sweet as honey and I'm not gonna shy away from saying so. I love that he appreciates her taking an interest in his hobbies and family celebrations and shows that he cares for her interests by helping her celebrate a sweet Midsummers!

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MARCUS MORENO

Taste by @@radiowallet I generally don't read Marcus but I will always ALWAYS make an enthusiastic exception for Cat's Marcus. He is a true hero, both sweet and confident, pulled so ardently by his needs but really getting off on saving the day for you. And, of course, there's Cat's style of writing which is song in itself. If anyone can make me fall in love with period sex, it's her, it's Marcus, it's this sweetly smutty fic in all its soft, yearning glory.

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TIM ROCKFORD

First Mistake by @hopeamarsu 🪐 I am really delighted by this little character study. Hopes took what we see in the trailer and turned it inward, focusing on Tim's physical sensations and trains of thought. The way he registers the take-out he's eating, how he craves the whiskey in his desk drawer, his frustration as he looks at the clue board trying to make that crucial connection. It's a beautiful little piece, simple and yet full of so much.

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PERO TOVAR

untitled by @writeforfandoms I am such a sucker for Jen's modern-not-modern Pero. He is learning, but still such a menace and a hedonist that I can't help but giggle at him and adore him in equal measure. I love when his puppydog nature rears its head like it does here as he tries to keep his reader all to himself on a nice picnicy day...

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JAVIER PEÑA

The Third Date by @lowlights What Laura has done here is pretty much described my perfect third date with Javier. I mean, it's Javi being soft, giving his attentions, doing soft naughty things in public. But even more than that, it's tacos, y'all. Sign me up.

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DIN DJARIN

Year of Small Joys: Stargazing by @keldabe-kriff 🪐 I love that Lyr is focusing on small joys. It's totally my jam to see my favorite characters just having a moment of peace or happiness, just to see their reaction to something I find lovely or to hear their thoughts about something I'd never stopped to notice. This time it's Din and stars, which really should be old hat for him. But he still finds a beauty in stargazing...

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OBERYN MARTELL

2023 Summer Kiss Prompt #8: Oberyn Martell - Apology Kiss / Jealous Kissing by @something-tofightfor I might be living for this modern AU playboy Oberyn and his proclivity to be vulnerable in my presence, to open up and be real when hurt feelings are on the line. He did wrong, but I think he'll make up for it, and boy howdy do I want to be on the receiving end of that.

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SPECIAL GUEST CORNER

OBI-WAN KENOBI

A Chance Taken by @ghostofskywalker 🪐 I know that Obi-Wan has his duty, but wouldn't it be nice if he always harbored feelings and had plans to settle after the war? This one is living that dream....I wants it.

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BOROMIR

The Advice of Hobbits by @ironmandeficiency I mean, nobody should take advice from Merry and Pippin. And so it goes without saying that nobody should take love advice from Merry and Pippin. Ever. Poor Boromir. But I'm not gonna lie. The results are pretty cute.

[favouritecyclistpoll]

Round Two, Match Seven: Jonas Vingegaard v. Marc Soler

Jonas Vingegaard Propaganda

No propaganda submitted.

Marc Soler Propaganda

He may be ranked #130 in the UCI rankings but he is #1 in my heart ❤️

More propaganda under the cut.

As you may know, Marc Soler moved to UAE Team Emirates in 2022 and has since been one of Tadej Pogačar's most valuable mountain domestiques – pulling the peloton for kilometres on end, being there in the final group before Tadej and Jonas start attacking each other. Then there's stage 17 this year; his infamous ‘scary eyes’ and comforting hand, pulling his leader up the Col de la Loze and helping maintain his podium place.

However! There is much more to Marc Soler than that! Before 2022, his entire professional career was spent with Movistar – that blue-clad stalwart of Spanish cycling hopes. With them, he was again an invaluable domestique to the likes of Enric Mas, Alejandro Valverde, Nairo Quintana, and Richard Carapaz. In the intra-team ~drama~ that plagued Movistar’s 2019/2020 seasons, he remained if not neutral, but relatively uninvolved. This is well-documented in their documentary ‘Movistar: The Least Expected Day’, the series that first endeared him to me.

In 2018, he had his day as a GC challenger – a week, really, swooping to victory at Paris-Nice to take the overall win with a fantastic attack on the final stage to make up more than a minute on Simon Yates

Now let me discuss stage 5 of the Vuelta 2022: Marc’s second stage win at this race – the first being in 2020. There was a battle for the breakaway, and Marc missed out! Never fear – the intrepid Spaniard did what he does best; launch a seemingly futile attempt to bridge, riding solo or in a small group for 50km+ that never really gets anywhere. Not today, though! He joined them, when Stewart attacked he countered brilliantly and rode solo for the final 15km. Brilliant stuff. This won him the stage, the combativity award, and later actions brought him the overall super-combative award, all while supporting Juan Ayuso to the podium.

Oh yeah, did I mention the mullet?? And the earring??

Outside of racing, he comes across as a genuinely nice guy – though I have yet to come across an interview in English, translations of Spanish-language seem cheerful and respectful, having fun in UAE’s social media videos!

He recovered brilliantly from having to abandon in both the Giro and the Tour in 2021 – breaking both of his arms in a crash in the latter, yet soldiering on and completing the stage.

Soler in his natural habitats; pulling the peloton up some steep, steep slopes, or breaking away for a hail-Mary attack that’s seemingly done only for the sheer joy of doing so. He’s a valuable domestique, brilliant rider, and most certainly embodies the spirit of ciclismo!

Thus concludes my Soler propaganda.

Vamos, Marc!

[rakumel]

It's been....a while...since I last talked about anything Animaniacs related. I wound up not really liking the first season of the 2020 reboot, so I didn't bother trying to find a way to watch the second one.

But a few months ago, the library where I work acquired both seasons of the reboot on DVD. And well, I kinda toyed with the idea of trying to watch it again, now that it was a lot easier to do so. Animaniacs was once be a big part of my childhood, after all. Hard to just shut it out completely.

Right before the 4th of July weekend, I broke down and checked out the first season DVDs. I had that day off anyway, was going to be alone, and honestly wasn't feeling very patriotic. (Basically a typical 4th weekend for me, honestly. One year I "celebrated" by staying in and watching both Blade Runner films.)

Anyway, I didn't get around to watching that evening, but I tried again during the next long weekend I had available (this past one). So far I've only watched the first seven episodes. It's taking longer than it usually would because I'm taking notes this time around - in case I want to do a proper episode by episode review in the near future.

Still, even this far in, was the reboot as bad as I remembered? Yes and no. There were some high points that I'd forgotten about; mostly in the first and last episodes on the disc. Some of the cartoon titles are clever, like "Suspended Animation" and "France France Revolution" (seriously, I love that). And there was at least an effort to stay true to the original spirit of the original show while also adapting the new one for today's audience; in a few instances they actually succeeded very well. (Putting Yakko in a rap battle was fantastic. I just wish it had ended a little better.) And most of the Pinky and the Brain episodes I've rewatched so far are very much in keeping with the original.

But....well. (Here I take a deep breath and sigh. Sadly.) Out of all the episodes I've watched so far, I've laughed maybe...twice. And that's being generous. There are a few genuinely good bits, but a lot of the writing just isn't that great. There's a nuance the old show had that's missing in the new, plus they have a bad habit of just reaching a stopping point instead of a proper ending. A lot of times the cartoon would be over, and I'd just be sitting there baffled, or feeling pissed because the ending was just that rushed or stupid. The trademark pop culture references are fine, and they don't over-rely on them (which is good), but even when I'm in on the jokes they're weirdly not that funny.

And then there's the overemphasis on gross-out things. Sure, the old show had its gross-out moments too, but I don't remember them being nearly as prevalent and gratuitous as they are in the new show.

For example, in the last episode I watched, there was a scene in which a woman is reunited with her beloved poodle, Gigi. She hugs Gigi (aww), and then for several awkward seconds Gigi licks her owner's puckered lips in slow motion, complete with copious amounts of animated drool (eww). Then the woman takes a dog treat, chews it up, and opens her mouth to feed it to Gigi, baby bird style (wtf?!?).

Like...I get it. They wanted to show how dedicated this lady was to her dog in an over-the-top way. (Or, if there were an interview where one of the animators said they based that scene off of something they literally saw a dog owner do, it wouldn't surprise me.) But it's still nasty, plus my god you've not only made your point, you've clubbed me over the head with it. MOVE ON. And that's not the grossest thing in the season either.

Speaking of gross, I don't know what it is about the human characters in the reboot, but aside from the new WB CEO all of them look hideous. I still can't put my finger on why exactly, especially since the Warners themselves look just fine. In fact they're a little wilder looking, with fuzzy hair (head fur?) and occasional fangs, and I really like it. It's not the exaggerated features; human characters on the old show had those too and it...didn't bother me then? I just don't know. My best guess is that they've got a Ren and Stimpy vibe to them (which goes with the gross-out stuff), and I never liked that show. I don't care how original or boundary-pushing it was at the time. It's just never been my thing.

Finally, and it's a very very minor thing but it's a little disappointing all the same: they don't quip after the end credits anymore. Boo.

I still don't know yet if I want to expand this into a proper episode review, if I even have the time. I may wind up just putting my thoughts down on some of the better or more famous episodes. But I am curious enough to try the second season, to see if it got any better. My instinct tells me no, but I want to be fair and give it a chance.

I'm also struggling with describing why the irreverence of the original Animaniacs show is endearing to me, but the new one's is off-putting. You could argue it's just nostalgia, and you wouldn't be totally wrong, but I know it's more than that. It's not that one is crass and the other isn't; both of them absolutely are. It's more like...with the old show, when it was crass, I found myself asking things like: "How do we define "high" art anyway?" and "Okay, I just watched the Warners do a swing number for baby Jesus. Was that utterly and irredeemably irreverent, or was it the most genuine gift of themselves they could give, thereby staying true to the message of the song 'Little Drummer Boy' and not actually breaking any taboos whatsoever?"

Whereas when the new show is crass, I ask myself things like, "Did they really need to show them licking a diseased pigeon that close up?" and "Am I wasting my life, watching this?" and "Oh god why? WHY?? Where is the brain bleach??!"

[unholyverse]

waterparks // rock sound awards 2021

(full text under the cut)

WATERPARKS

CLASS OF 2021 ARTIST OF THE YEAR

WORDS: JAMES WILSON-TAYLOR PHOTOS: JAWN ROCHA

Another album, another lap around the world…another year that very much felt like it belonged to Waterparks. Their exponential growth continued this year with a new label deal and their latest and absolutely greatest record.

They began 2021 in isolation putting the finishing touches to 'Greatest Hits', and end it off the back of a triumphant, huge North American tour, by way of big, big festival slots and the realisation of more ideas than even they might have thought possible.

Here, Awsten Knight looks back on the journey he and his bandmates Geoff Wigington and Otto Wood have been on over the past 12 months, and faces towards the future.

How has your 2021 been, Awsten? It seems like a lot of bands have understandably found this year to be way more productive than last…

"It's better, but it's been equally productive. In 2020 I still made over 100 songs. Still recorded all of 'Greatest Hits'—it was pretty much done by January—made the DVD, 'FANDOM: LIVE IN THE UK'… that took like, five or six months. Yeah, 2020 was still super productive and then obviously this year…album release, making a million more videos, playing shows. That's why I say it's equal."

Was there any transitional period for you, or were you just straight into work mode?

"It never stopped. And I'm not saying this is necessarily a good thing, but I just can't stop working. It's very hard for me to stop. Sometimes I actively try to just because, but I feel like I just operate better if I'm working on things. The thing is, at least if we are out doing shows, I'm not writing songs because of it. But last year I didn't have an excuse."

'Greatest Hits' was of course released this year. You've talked before about wanting to better yourself with each album, but what's interesting is it feels like the leaps between each record are now getting bigger too…

"I'm very about smooth transitions between stylistic stages. It feels very inorganic if somebody has screamo, alternative rock and then they try and go full pop. It's like you didn't do it naturally, so it feels disingenuous. I also think that I was more impatient being stuck at home. And on top of that, since I had more time to create and just make weird sounds and demo things out, I got to learn a lot and hit a lot of things that I wouldn't have necessarily found so soon. So I think it's a combination of those things. This gave a lot of time for me to find the most weird, left of centre, out of pocket stuff. I can't tell you how many Halloween sounds I went through making 'See You In The Future'. Sorry, 'See You In In The Future."

It's funny hearing you talk about acts earning that change in sound. It's like you are world-building but it's about the musical sounds rather than characters or stories…

"Yeah, and wanting to make as many different styles as you can. Because when it stops being fun or fresh or exciting, I don't wanna do it. Touring itself is very fun and rewarding, but it can also get monotonous. So if you are not pushing the boundaries everywhere you can, whether its sonically or show production or whatever… I mean, you see how easily I get distracted. I won't want to do it if it's not fun. You know who has got the best transition between that I think I've ever seen? Like, as far as musical styles go as a band? Bring Me The Horizon. I know where they started and watching them go to 'That's The Spirit' and even the stuff they are putting out right now… it changes style-wise so much. Not only is it consistent, but it changes and I think thats awesome. Not a lot of bands are willing to do that in case it feels like they are putting on somebody else's clothes. But they've done it in a very smooth way."

"WHEN IT STOPS BEING FUN OR FRESH OR EXCITING, I DON'T WANNA DO IT"

"I THINK BEING ALONE ALL THE TIME MADE ME WANT TO COLLABORATE MORE…"

Was there anything specific on 'FANDOM' that you wanted to improve on or push further this time around?

"I don't wanna compare songs especially because if you compare old things to new things, just because of how nostalgia works, it'll never compare until more time has gone by. But if I can sit down and look at 'Numb' vs 'Watch What Happens Next… They're both cool, they both have interesting pre-choruses in very different ways. One of them is more drawly, very minimal and then the other is a little hip-hoppy but more in a Beastie Boys kind of way. Then that outro is from hell, just crazy. I love the vocal patterns in it, in the b-section. And then I'll look at 'Watch What Happens Next' and compare those patterns. I look at things like that. What stuff got added in that's special? What are the special elements that aren't just guitar, bass, drums? I compare stuff like that a lot. Some songs are written where it's like, 'This one will have a pit'. Some songs it's like, 'This is for people who don't even fuck with us, but it has such a groove'. Or, 'This one is a dark 'Life Of Pablo'-type production that's dark and evil but expensive-sounding'. There's just certain things I wanted to accomplish and especially at that time, during recording, being stuck at home, I needed to do what's going to make me feel fulfilled right now."

You seem to be in a very collaborative mood too with the guests on the album and then things outside the album like the track you did with DE'WAYNE. Is that collaborative spirit something you are becoming more open to?

"Yes, definitely. I think being alone all the time made me want to collaborate more. And then also I feel like, and I hope this comes off okay… as good as I feel like I am at writing and production and finding creative ways to do things, I know that other people are so much better than me at other things. I don't wanna be the fucking best in the room at everything, because then why am I in this room? When I gave 'Crying Over It All' to Zeph, I didn't give very much instruction. I was like, 'Just add harmonies, do your thing, pretty freeform, just go for it'. Because when I listen to her stuff, she'd always send me demos or even on her Instagram stories she'll post the acapellas of stuff she is working on. There's like twenty layers of vocals and they are doing these random swells and all this cool shit and I'm just like, 'Woah, that's insane'. So when she sent back all of the vocals for that, it was the same kind of thing. And that's not something I would have thought of. It's no longer me sitting at this desk right here working on 'Double Dare' or 'Entertainment. I think you can only go so far alone and if you happen to have friends and people you like around you who are incredible at other things, I don't see why you wouldn't collab with them. At the end of the day, all I want is the best album in the world."

It felt like that spirit of collaboration had disappeared in the scene for a while but is now coming back around again, which is great because, like you say, everyone benefits from that…

"Yeah that's totally true. And at least for me, I felt like I had something to prove, especially early on. Because we did… we had a lot to prove. But I think, maybe in an ego sense, or I don't know what it was, but I took a lot of pride in it. We'd meet people in other bands who were bigger than us and they'd go, 'Is it true that you had no co-writes or people working on this or anything?' But in the grand scheme of things, we're not shit. In the world of music, most people don't even know we exist. But I feel like that thing - that weird alternative music mindset. Some, 'Us against the world, got to prove yourself' type of shit - I don't really have that anymore. And I'm glad, because it's not productive, it's not helpful, it's not gonna make you have a better album. I feel like alternative music, as stubborn as everybody is, I think they are probably seeing how good collabs are in hip-hop, or how Spotify works and are like, 'Oh shit, we should do that"." You've always talked about personal stuff within your lyrics but it feels like on 'Greatest Hits', you were a lot more open and direct.

What do you think has changed in your approach to lyrics?

"I think there's multiple reasons for it. I think most people just don't look that deep into stuff and I want them to know what I'm talking about. 'Entertainment… that whole fucking album is metaphors. The whole thing. And I think with stuff like 'Turbulent', that was in a way more cathartic. This isn't an objective truth or anything, this is just for me, but I think it's more cathartic to be blunt. And thats not to say metaphors or keeping things poetic isn't good. I want to still use metaphors, part of me wants to lean a little more on that. There's just something very cathartic about just saying it. 'LIKE IT'… just getting to talk shit for verses and I had even more verses written but I just wanted it to be like a punk song. A very grungy, punk kind of thing. It was just more of a release. People that are very into the band will look more deep into things but sometimes I just want someone who hears ten seconds on Tik Tok to know what the fuck I'm talking about. Lyrically, I didn't want to waste any time, I just wanted to get to it."

'Double Dare' celebrated its fifth anniversary this year. Is there anything about the creative process back then that still applies to how you work now?

"Honestly, it's the same. Sit down, laptop, guitar, keyboard, bass, mic. Shut everything out, start making shit. What is made has changed, but the process is the same."

Is there anything you wish you knew back then that you know now?

"All I would do if I could go back is just give them a mixing budget. Because I wouldn't change anything. I like some of the songs more than others but I still think they should all exist. We made the whole album for like, $10,000. Some people might hear that and think it's a lot, but it's not. For making an album, especially on a label, thats nothing. If we could get a Zakk Cervini mix, like a remix…"

When it came to the live show, this tour seems to match this new era in feel. How did you approach bringing 'Greatest Hits' to the stage?

"We went through a lot of different stages with the production. This was the first idea - I want it to make it look like thunder if we want to, make it really dark and moody, no lights around us just silhouettes and bits of lightning, because it's just a full cloud wall, so we can be in a storm like we are going to die or it can glow gold like we are in heaven, or like a sunset. Somebody actually asked me at a Q&A the other day about the symbolism of the doors onstage and I think being in my apartment so much for that long, I was always just looking at them. It felt right to bring the three doors hovering in the clouds. We had the red, yellow and blue bikes because that was my only escape during it. I could come up with crazy production all day, but you also have to take into consideration the rooms you are doing. Is it indoor, outdoor, 500 people, 2,000 people…You base these things on that. What can work in different ways. I think it's the most fitting and conceptually it's probably the best pairing we could have had visually with this album. But some day I think it would be so cool, when we get to do those fucking arena shows, to collab with someone who has done it a million times. The first time or two around, you don't understand the capabilities of what can and can't be done. You don't know what your limits are, so you just kind of be safe. So I'm excited to eventually start collabing with someone on that."

As things get bigger, it feels like the rooms are starting to match your ambition. Is there a pressure to scale things up?

"There's not really a pressure. I just don't think about it like that. The other night, and this hasn't happened in forever, but right before going on I had this weird moment where I felt like I'd re-entered my body. They were already playing 'Greatest Hits' and the first song is about to start and I felt like I'd re-entered. I glanced at the audience and thought, 'Oh god'. Fucking freaked out. Like, 'What the fuck am I doing?' I say that because the best thing you can do is not think. If you just show up and do it, cool shit gets done. If you think about it, if you analyse it, you psych yourself out."

"I NEEDED TO DO WHAT'S GOING TO MAKE ME FEEL FULFILLED RIGHT NOW"

"SOMETIMES I JUST WANT SOMEONE WHO HEARS TEN SECONDS ON TIKTOK TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I'M TALKING ABOUT"

It was also great to see you be joined again by Mikey Way during this tour…

"I know man, that was so cool. We're always talking about when we can do stuff because he loves playing shows and he fucks with Waterparks and stuff which is so crazy. I was in Nashville a month before the tour and we hung out and got dinner, and he's like, 'Dude, I wanna play one of these shows'. And he's gonna be in Nashville so I'm like, 'How about Nashville? And anything else you wanna do'. And he's like, 'Definitely Nashville and I'd love to do more'. I was like, 'You let me know what you wanna play and we'll switch up the set after'. That was so fun. He is one of the nicest fucking people in this world. He's in the biggest rock band in the world and does not act like it. He's so humble and so nice. He's just a good dude."

Looking forward, what do you think are the biggest things you learned in the process of making 'Greatest Hits"?

"I definitely don't wanna talk too much, especially as I don't know way too much, but I think that the one drawback that I've had with 'Greatest Hits'… it's not even a drawback with 'Greatest Hits', it's just the way in which it was consumed. I think that because it's so long, and not even long runtime wise… It's just that 17 tracks is intimidating to some, especially if you are not a diehard listener. I think some songs got overlooked, or under-appreciated. There are certain ones where I wonder how long it's gonna stay underrated. The production on 'See You In The Future' is fucking insane but its not even in the top seven of the most listened to. Or 'Magnetic'. Or 'Crying Over It All' is I think one of the best songs Waterparks has ever put out. They just get overlooked. 'American Graffiti', I kind of made that song as I was frustrated one night at how dogshit a lot of alt rock stuff that was coming out at the time was. I was just like, 'This is so uninspired, I'm just gonna make the way fucking cooler version of what these people are trying to do. I'm gonna do the perfect mix of Jimmy Eat World and Death Cab and all these people. And then just throw in some real wild production'. That outro is so fucking pretty. I feel like a lot of those get overlooked because theres so much. And there's a lot we can't put in the set because it's literally 17 songs. We're already playing for an hour and a half every night, which is a lot. We're not playing six of the songs because theres not even time. What I'm getting at is, the next album will probably be more…I don't wanna say concise, because it's not like 'Greatest Hits' isn't. It definitely goes on more tangents because that was the point. But it'll probably be shorter."

It certainly feels like alt.rock is the place where the album is king. In hip-hop you can release singles all the time, EPs, whatever you want. Is that something you've thought about in terms of release structure?

"I'm cool with singles. I don't really wanna do EPs anymore. Mainly because I'd rather just do four singles or release them as a pair. Because then if somebody hates one, they'll probably like the other. But I think that I would probably just do singles or pairings then drop another album."

What is on the to-do list for 2022?

"We are coming to Europe. We've got some more shows that we are gonna announce soon. Some places we've never been before. We've locked in support, haven't announced it yet but its gonna be very cool. We're playing that London show—insane. I wish I could say more. It's gonna be a good year."

Waterparks' latest album 'Greatest Hits' is out now via 300 Entertainment. They're due to tour the UK next summer.

[starsuncounted]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thanks for tagging me @bywayofmemory!

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 82.

2. What's your total AO3 word count? 128,198.

3. What fandoms do you write for? Currently, LOTR, Silmarillion, Narnia, and Timeless. I'd like to get back to writing Turn fics, though. I have a couple ideas for oneshots that have been rattling around in my brain.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

winter-touched, frost-bitten (Spinning Silver, T, Miryem/the Staryk Lord, 1.1k): A missing scene in which Miryem strikes a new bargain with the Staryk Lord.

As the Hare Flees Before the Wolf (Silmarillion, T, Eöl & Celegorm, 1.8k): Curufin is not the only son of Fëanor Eöl meets upon the plains of Himlad. Or, Eöl meets Celegorm while pursuing Aredhel and Maeglin, and things go very badly for him.

Here at Journey's End (LOTR, G, Frodo & Legolas, 1.6k): They stay for those they love.

West, West Away (LOTR, G, Sam & Thranduil, 3.6k): Sam meets an unlikely kindred spirit on the journey West.

and I will love with urgency, but not with haste (Silmarillion, T, Andreth/Aegnor, 3.1k): A summer evening spent in a glade near the shores of the Aeluin.

5. Do you respond to comments? Yep! It may take me a while, but I always do. The only exceptions are for cryptic comments that I don't understand and have no idea what to reply with.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Lol. Lmao, even. At least half of my fics are nothing but angst. So...*spins wheel* Let's go with darkness lies on the foaming waves between us (LOTR, G, Arwen & Celebrían & Elwing, 1k), in which Arwen shares the news of her choice with her mother.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? I do actually have a couple fics that would qualify for this (shocking, I know), but I have a special place in my heart for And There Make a Garden (LOTR, G, Éowyn, <1k). Éowyn finally being happy and content is everything to me.

8. Do you get hate on fics? Not since I returned to fandom in 2020 and started posting on AO3 (unless some of those aforementioned cryptic comments are badly worded hate). But I did get the occasional hateful comment back when I posted on FFN.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Occasionally and it's very vanilla.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? Never written one.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? I hope not!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Nope.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Nope.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship? I must be loyal to my thirteen-year-old self and say Faramir/Éowyn, my forever OTP.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? I really would like to finish And Every Winter Turn to Spring (Turn, Anna/Hewlett), but I don't think I can rekindle the same enthusiasm I had for it during the height of my Turn fixation in 2020/2021. That, and I'm sure that if I were to pick it up again, I'd want to tear it apart and fix it up because it was one of the first fics I started writing after a years-long break from fic writing, and I'm certain I'd be embarrassed by parts of it now. And doing heavy editing like that feels overwhelming right now.

16. What are your writing strengths? Usually characterization and description, but I've been having trouble with my descriptions lately, and in a very strange twist, dialogue has—for the first time ever—been easier for me.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? Plots. You will be getting no 100k+ longfics from me. Sorry. Oneshots or bust.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? I only use other languages when writing Tolkien fic and do so sparingly and always with translations in the author notes. All phrases are yoinked from RealElvish.net because I can't be assed to put Elvish sentences together myself. Sorry JRRT.

19. First fandom you wrote for? LOTR. A couple of ancient fics that have never and will never see the light of day.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written? It changes by the day, but I am very fond of On These Hither Shores (LOTR, G, Frodo & Boromir, 3.2k). It took a while to come together, but I'm so happy with how it turned out and that I finally achieved my goal of writing Frodo and Boromir getting to know each other before everything went to hell in a handbasket.

Tagging @tortoisesshells @boltlightning @aloveforjaneausten @dreamingthroughthenoise if you'd like to do this!

[swifty-fox]

okay so I’m not going to go into any details here but I just finished “what comes after” and oh. my. god. you captured the feelings of the person on the other end perfectly.

for me it wasn’t anyone as close as a husband, and I wasn’t there to see it, but they texted me one evening and I swear I just knew. and I knew they were in a pretty bad place, but I don’t think anyone had realized just how bad, and I have so many mixed feelings about all of it? And you somehow managed to write that and make it so tragic and so beautiful and. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say here. I guess I just wanted to say thank you? Thank you for treating the subject so delicately and so fairly and thank you for adding the part about Curt and how he’s there to help and I know it’s “just” fanfiction, but I need you to know how much of an impact it had on me.

so. yeah. thank you. and I’m sorry to spring this on you just like this (if it makes you uncomfortable I’m so sorry! please don’t feel like you have to respond!), I swear I’m not saying any of this to make you feel bad for me or anything. my friend is in a much better place and everything is okay. call this the incoherent ramblings of a person who should’ve gone to bed hours ago now. thank you. thank you thank you thank you thank you <3

theres three experiences in my life I pulled from for this fic

my little brother has been to a psych ward three times in my life, two in the last two years. The second time (March 2023) he called me the day before in great spirits and laughing about a childhood memory. Next day I receive a call that He's going to the hospital, drugs were involved but nobody knew anything more because he's an adult. We heard no news, couldn't contact him for Three Days. We had no idea what happened or how bad things were.

In the aftermath my baby sister and I had to drive into the city to pick his car up and bring it to my parents. She's a freshman in college and was too young to really remember my brothers first time in (I was twenty and she was twelve) and so I had to be the older sibling and tell her to rely on me. To brace herself that this probably would not be the end of the storyline with his mental health issues and she had to make peace with it and to protect herself how she could while still being there for him. I had to put my shit aside for my her and my mom and my dad. Had to be Gale.

At the same time I was fresh off a devastating breakup. I reached out that night to the ex because I thought we were still friends and got brushed off. While driving to get that damn car all i wanted was what my brain thought was my ride or die support system to be there helping me through this. All i wanted was a Curt and I didn't have one. So i gave Gale what i needed via Curt. Someone to pick up the pieces.

My grandmother passed away due to complications from colon cancer in 2020. She came down with an infection that ate away her intestines to nothing in the span of a weekend. I sat on the phone with her six states away as she lay dying on her bathroom floor. My Grandma who was my best friend my namesake wordlessly crying in my ear from pain. And I just remember thinking nobody fucking gave me the instruction manual for this. I went to bed once the ambulance came, thinking she would be okay. And by the time I woke up she was gone. And I've worked my feelings of that out through a previous fic but I definitely reached back into that experience to remember that headspace

I've been on both ends. I almost ended my life several times last year and I'm really fuckin glad I didn't cause I am having so much fun with you guys

[neospacegov]

Statement of Circe Nat

hiya so this is a piece of short horror fiction I wrote as a TMA fan statement back in 2020 but you don't need to know TMA to enjoy :] I've been revising it here and there over the years, so I'd say its in pretty good shape! If you like bugs and scholarly fervor then without further ado...

(warning for death, decomposition, burrowing insects, and being generally kinda gross nasty)

I’ve always hated endings. As a young boy, I was quite the crybaby. If I enjoyed a book enough it really didn't matter whether the ending was happy or sad, I'd cry over the fact it was over. Sometimes, I would avoid the ending altogether. Just shut the book and never open it again. I suppose… that is what I am doing now. I’ve postponed reading my own ending.

Though, I assume you do not care much for my motivations, do you? No, you just want me to lay out the chapters of my book. Let you read and consume. I will give you this, but you must understand how much of a gift this is. I will let you know me while I know little of you. I will play the subject of your investigation, because I understand the hunger of a scholar.

I’d moved to America to do some studies, you see. I’m an entomologist, and an avid one at that. There's simply so much to learn about bugs; the discoveries are endless. My curiosity with creepy-crawlies led me to move across the Atlantic in hopes of encountering living specimens I hadn’t chanced a glance at before. Did you know not a single species of honeybee is native to North America? Ah well, that's besides the point.

I’d found myself looking into insect decomposers. That itself is a wide field, but I was looking into more specifically the carnivorous sort. Maggots are the first type to come to mind, but there's really only so many pale, feeding worms you can watch before you become… bored. There's so much more to decomposition than flies. Ants, beetles, even wasps… they will come for you, when you die. Unless, that is, the coroners come first.

I’m getting ahead of myself, let me backtrack. My research at the time was conducted by finding wild animal specimens in various states of decay and simply watching. Collecting as much information as possible about location, species, amount of decomposers, etc. Essentially, I stared at those pale, pale worms all day.

Even before I got bored, I really never enjoyed the maggot work. It was off-putting and disgusting. They just silently devoured. Soundlessly writhed. For the first week, I’d felt constantly unnerved. Avoided meals, scratched at every itch, jumped at every brush against the skin. I was paranoid, though I can’t really blame myself.

All this quickly became a thing of the past as the novelty wore off. The maggots no longer filled me with fear in the same way they filled their hosts with holes. Instead, the feeling was replaced with a terrible despair. All things end, and when they end they will be consumed without a sound. They not only cease, but cease to be, at the hands of something so quiet it may have itself not been there. Flies do not buzz until they are leaving, flying away. In this way, we all go silent into the night.

Ants are more or less the same, but something was comforting about how they pulled apart then spirited away their goods. At least the remains could travel one last time. These fallen creatures would get a short epilogue to their story. Still, what is an epilogue if not a second ending?

The ants did not inspire my hope, no. I owe that to the beetles. Beetles are always an excitement for me. They are many, both in kinds and numbers. When discovering what seems like an undocumented species, one ought to be elated, but mostly unsurprised. That was exactly how I felt when I found… no. No, that's not it. It was exactly how I’d felt when they found me. My beetles.

I had stumbled upon what I’d thought was a deer carcass. It was certainly a deer, and it was swarmed with those dreadful worms. I figured it must have died fairly recently because the whole thing was intact. The first peculiar thing I’d noticed was I couldn’t find any obvious cause of death, despite how new it looked. Since the body was intact I had already ruled out a predator attack. There weren't any hunters in these woods as far as I could tell. And even if there were hunters, I couldn’t imagine them abandoning a catch like this.

The second peculiar thing, which I noticed when trying to get a better look, was the slight rise and fall of its chest. The deer… heaved, it was heaving in these shallow breaths. It must have been able to hear me because it looked at me. It lifted its head just slightly and looked at me.

I was so startled to find it was alive that I ran off. Not far, I just went away to lose my lunch and catch my breath. Again, that novelty induced fear gripped me. It takes a great deal of acclimating and adjusting to be comfortable with what we find to be alien. And well, studying the weird is my whole job; so I went back.

The deer had hardly moved, still just lying there. My plan was to settle down at a distance and take some notes on the deer itself. Later I could pass them onto a better-suited zoologist. However, after a few minutes, I realized the deer would not rise again. It no longer heaved, it had made no move to look at me since my return. Bracing myself, I crept closer. It was dead. Properly dead this time.

The usual maggot-despair hit me quite strongly at that moment. Here had been a creature on its deathbed, living its story’s final pages, and I had just run off. I could have at least tried to help, done something, anything at all, but now it was gone. The maggots ate soundlessly away.

It was then that I noticed a third peculiar thing. Some… feeling, welled up in my chest. This sense of relief, of hope or perhaps curiosity. The feasting of the carcass was far from silent. It's so funny how details like that just sort of escape you. The air was full of sound. All buzzing and clicking, this cacophony of life all emanating from death.

I moved much, much closer to the deer now. Aside from the maggots, there were swarms and swarms of flies. Hundreds, maybe thousands of them, and they weren't leaving. No running off for other food: they seemed to think they had all they needed right there. How so many could even gather around something that freshly rotten was beyond me.

The source of the clicking were some peculiar looking beetles. No, beautiful looking beetles. No– just different looking beetles. Special ones. Their anatomy was so strange, so unlike anything I’d ever seen before, but I could still recognize that they were beetles.

They were feeding on the rotten meat, same as the maggots. Their shells were colored a shifting black and blue. The slime of the meat made them glisten. I watched as one shuddered and folded in on itself. It curled up into something quite compact, then very slowly, still rolled up, it kept walking. They made this wonderful clicking noise. It was the hypnotic drumbeat of the deer’s buzzing song. Oh, you should really get a good look at a beetle. Hear it for yourself. Their click, click, clicking.

That song, the beautiful sound of life, was what lifted my melancholy. This was not a creature lost to the other side of the sky. This was not a “Fin.” stamped at the end of a story. This was an endless eleventh hour. A screeching aria that would tell the deer’s story on and on. I loved the beetles for that. And, I could tell the beetles loved the deer.

I cried then. The whole ordeal had my emotions running quite high already, but the beetles– god– I don't mean to ramble but how can I not when they overwhelm me? They are a salvation from the end. My salvation. Should that I sing with them, then I shall never disappear. That is my infectious hope. If all the world becomes a choir, then we should never perish.

All that said, I shouldn't understate the role that the flies played in that deersong. Truly, the beetles are only the percussion. The flies lend the many, buzzing voices. The tenor-alto-sopranos which I had previously detested. I felt… guilty for my past hate. Maggots are still learning creatures. Growing creatures. Cursed to destroy their own home and flee, taking with them their noisy wings. A situation most sympathetic.

In my hysterical fit of tears, I apologized. I begged for mercy and wailed declarations of forgiveness. I threw myself into their embrace. I curled my arms around the deer, arms sinking into the oozing flesh. My head rested upon its torso. The maggots squirmed against my cheek and latched onto me in a hug of their own. I sobbed a melody with the flies as they swarmed me. I hiccuped in rhythm with the beetles’ clicks. Those perfect, musical clicks. I let their beat replace that of my heart. I learned their song all those years ago and I sing it each day. They have given me a gift so great, so beautiful. With them and their song inside me, my story has been written off the pages. I am in an epilogue that never ends.

And with all my time and practice, they’ve taught me many more songs. Hums of danger, crooned messages of love. Instructions too, of how to spread. How to burrow into your lungs and make you sing with us, our forever-song.

[atranswomansdiary]

Day 203

December 20, 2020

Christmas, oh, Christmas! What am I going to do with you?

When I was a child, I loved Christmas. I was fortunate enough that, even as piss poor as my parents were, they almost always found a way to make it magical… By buying me expensive presents way outside their budget.

I grew up to detest Christmas. It started pretty early on, when I discovered the presents didn’t come from a magical being but from my stressed-out parents. That broke my heart, not so much because I missed Santa, but because I felt like shit for wanting stuff and making them suffer because of my desires.

I once again fell in love with Christmas when I was with V.M. She had a way of making things magical, didn’t she? Not only did she buy me beautiful presents (which she could actually afford), but she taught me with her examples how everything in a present, from the wrapping inwards, can be a display of love. She also cooked a killer stuffed turkey I still remember fondly. It was just all the love and dedication that went into that turkey. I’d say it was not really stuffed with apples and sauce, but with love.

Once our relationship was over, I came to hate Christmas again. It was so painful! Every ass-boring “celebration” with my family and every rushed, thoughtless gift I received made me think of her. Comparisons are odious.

I enjoyed Christmas once again when I was with L.M. We gave each other amazing presents and it became a source of endless joy to see who would give the other the best gift. It was good while it lasted.

This year, don’t ask me why, but I got into the Christmas’ spirit all on my own. Maybe it was all the people at work being so nice and thoughtful, or me just becoming obsessed with Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. I had never read the original before… And I must say that I was missing what I consider a crucial piece of the Christmas puzzle. Because I think now it’s neither a Christian holiday—fuck them!—not a pagan-stolen, modernized, Coke-ified Saturnalia, but something else entirely. The Christmas I really like and love is the one that Dickens basically invented all by himself. It’s a dream of a humanity that finally sees each other for who they are: fellows worthy of love and respect, regardless of, well, everything.

So, you can imagine how excited I was this year to have an extra special, proper celebration with my family. I bought everybody amazing presents (I hoped) and almost thought about reading them A Christmas Carol after dinner. Luckily I didn’t because boy, oh, boy, did I manage to screw things up royally.

This was the first time I saw my family after the sort of, kinda coming out meeting back in Day 156. In the past six weeks everyone has decided to behave as if that moment didn’t happen and, truth be told, I wish they didn’t. I feel like I need something else from them right now. Interest? Curiosity? Genuine care? Like, I know they have their own lives and shit to worry about, but fuck! I’d give anything for them to ask, every once in a while, just how I’m doing when it comes to this. “Have you made any progress?” “What are your current thoughts on transitioning?” “What is bothering you about this?”

I don’t know. Anything but this silence, this pretending like nothing happened.

So, yeah, although I didn’t intend consciously to ruin Christmas—quite the opposite, I’d say—I have to admit that I was a little bit on edge by the end of a dinner that felt more like a nervous, walking-on-eggshells charade than a warm, cozy homecoming.

So, we were getting the presents ready around the tree, as one of my sibling was taking my niece for a walk around the block looking for Santa. I can’t remember the exact details well, but my mom said something to my other sibling and I told her something like “Relax” or similar… And my mom lost it.

She said that she didn’t want to ruin Christmas for us with her stressed presence, so she went and locked herself on my parents’ room. On Christmas night. Just when we were about to open the presents.

The charade became true at this point, but for a good cause (?). I think we didn’t want to ruin one of the first Christmas my niece will probably get to remember.

I felt like shit all night. This Christmas that I (naïvely) put so much hope into, turned into one of the worse ones I can remember. The only lucky thing was that I had already planned on coming back to the apartment, so I got the perfect excuse to leave after this shitshow.

Still, I don’t think I can come back to hate Christmas. As I said above, I think I finally got it. My Christmas is Dickensian. Christmas for me is now an ideal of kindness to strive for, a renewal of the hope in one another that gets depleted throughout the year by disappointments. This was a shitty Christmas for me, it’s true, but I still hope the next one (and whichever ones I get to experience in the future) will be better.

Until then, with love,

ZZ

[isabelguerra]

okok happy birthday I really want to know more wizard au stuff but I cannot find your fics pls a link would be much appreciated

also this is just like a free space to talk abt your au literally whatever you've been wanting an excuse for this anon is 4 you happy birthday my friend !!! we're not mutuals but you're like one of two regular pnat people on tumblr which is a bond I Think

THANK YOUUU FOR THE BIRTHDAY WISHES!!!! 💕💕 If it makes you feel better I’m not mutuals with ANYONE. This is a sideblog. Regardless it’s nice to have you here, I’m glad to be one of your few pnat blogs. :)

AND WELL LOL that would be because most of wizard au currently isn’t published! the best place to know more stuff about the au is either in my #wizard au tag, or just asking me! i love to talk about it, and right now it’s a lot easier for me to answer asks in my spare moments. i occasionally post screenshots from my doc files on here, but the fics are taking a backseat while I work on my Job Project.

Alternatively, you can check out:

The Pnat At Wizard School AU I Made When I Was 16 Is Still Fun Unfortunately JKR DNI - This was my first attempt at publishing the writing I’d done, before I got embarrassed and orphaned it, back in 2020. It’s a little outdated but most of it holds up. Boggart fic is one of my favorites.

Pnat Hogwarts AU by Twilighteve. I made wizard AU way back in 2015 with a friend, and twilighteve wrote SEVEN FICS as fanwork. The story now is different and follows Isabel rather than Max, but these are still great fics and I’m very lucky to have had someone enjoy my au enough to write so much for them. Throughout the Tournament is a really fun read.

i cant believe i’ve had this story for like 8 years at this point. i think it’s almost more fun to have as an au on my blog than an actual fic series? looking back whenever i start thinking about The Fics i just get stressed out. i’ve had it as an au since 2015 and i’ve had writing wips since 2018. its nice to have something with me for that long, i think thats why i keep coming back to it? even though thinking about it in terms of Fic Output and Writing Order makes me so stressed. at the end of the day it’s mine. and it’s there for be an outlet for me. if i want to be lazy about it, i can. if i want to put a lot of hard work into it, i can. i get to cozy up before bed and imagine wizjo scenarios.

and seeing how the characters have developed over the years has been weird- like, i wrote a lot of this in 2015. what do you MEAN codys a vampire. what do you MEAN theres whole new areas of the paranormal. its funny but when put next to current pnat you can REALLY see how its dated lol. so much is built on top of the 2015-2016 era headcanons like cody & lisa being twins, or not knowing what the spirit in isabels umbrella was like. we didnt know flipflop yet!!!! hes just not in there!!!!! we didnt know what the BERG was so max isnt a catboy!!! davy doesnt exist!!!!!!!

and there are in-comic background characters that we would talk about and gave names who show up in the au. these two are chasers on the gryffindor quidditch team with isabel & johnny:

& we named them sarah and logan. that might canonically be their names too????? but i cant remember.

Here are some very practical Wizard AU facts:

Story spans from 2nd year when Isabel loses Eightfold to 7th(?) year when they graduate

The biggest reason so much isn’t on AO3 is because theres so much I have no idea how to organize it. For example:

At my current pace, I have ~5 fics based on central emotional beats. In order to keep things interesting for non-izjo readers, I tried adding a little overarching plot

Said plot now vastly overshadows the initial series purpose of a Dorky 6 Year Long Izjo Slowburn

‘Wait I don’t care about this i just want my dorky 6 year long izjo slowburn. but wait, this has lived in my head since 2015, is it even legible to anyone who would just be coming into it?’

~5 central plot fics, each with around 5 chapters at maybe 10k per chapter give or take. is roughly 250k total. even if i do publish this it’s going to take years

What else is there…………. Isabel is really good at offensive magic. She becomes quidditch team captain in their 5th year. Max hates flying on brooms.

Wizjos arc means so much to me.

Their friendship vaguely starts in 2nd year. theyre the quidditch beaters but work horribly together- they argue a lot and dont get along at all, it almost gets them kicked off the team. theyre forced into a situation that pairs them to work together sometime mid semester, and at the end of it they’re still… tense, but have a better understanding of each other? like ‘you annoy me but we had a moment that i would feel bad betraying. i think were more similar than i thought and i dont know how to feel about it yet’. Johnny develops his crush and it’s very strangled because he’s 12.

By 3rd year they’re more cooperative. Getting towards friendly. Theyre teammates AND housemates, so even though theyre in separate friend groups they spend a lot of time together. Still bickering but there’s slowly more and more fun behind it. Less ‘i’ll shove you off your broom’ and more ‘hey maybe if we do x we can shove x off their broom together’. Isabel begins having fun hanging out with johnny because he bites back. It’s stopped being annoying and become ‘oh hes just as conscious (whether he knows it or not) about his image as i am. it’s nice to put that down around someone. and also blast him with wizard lasers sometimes. and get blasted by wizard lasers.’

By 4th year they’re friends and Johnny’s still sitting with his feelings. It’s just a part of daily life. Wake up. Brush teeth. Shut Up Guerra (Hey Guerra). Lunch. Pick on a 2nd year. Meet up with Guerra before practice. Tell that one joke cause it always makes her laugh. Don’t make it obvious how you feel. Don’t let it slip how you feel. Don’t jeopardize this. Don’t do anything that’d make her feel weird. You’re her friend and he likes being her friend so it’s not a big deal. Isabel has slowly been getting more pressure from her grandpa, and every time shes stressed and cant go to her AC friends she goes to Johnny. So by 4th year they’re more or less best friends.

By 5th year they’re a capital T Team. Isabel’s gryffindor captain now and Johnny’s essentially her right hand. He’s there to hold new member tryouts with her, they study in the commonroom late at night, hes so gleeful about her uppity new position that he permanently cements calling her Captain into their teasing nicknames and Isabel hates it. In return Isabel makes him do extra laps, because she can do that now. And then Johnny gets in a non-serious accident and is in the infirmary for a week and suddenly Isabel is confronted with Oh. Oh I Don’t Like This. Oh This Is Bad. He’s fine he just gets like a concussion or something but Isabel doesn’t KNOW that right away and all of a sudden she’s faced with ‘i didnt realize how much of my life you’ve become and i miss you now that youre not there’ ‘…….why do i miss you now that youre not there.’ ‘we have a quidditch match coming up and i dont know if youll be healthy enough to play’ ‘i dont care about the game. id cancel in an instant if it means you wont have to play injured’ ‘………………why did i-’ etc. And afterwards Johnnys FINE but isabel is left with this weird hole in her gut and the reality that In That Situation That Was My Reaction And Those Were My Feelings. She’s confronted with the fact that somewhere along the line, Johnny became someone important to her. And that him getting hurt worried her. Because she cares about his wellbeing. Because she likes spending time with him. Because he’s her quidditch partner. Because she doesn’t think she could see herself playing with anyone else. Because she doesn’t think she’d want to play with anyone else. And then shes in trouble.

By 6th year is when things start kicking into gear. For starters the Triwizard Tournament because I can’t do a wizard au without some wizard deathsports. None of it is directly involved, that’s actually MAX’S B-plot, but a lot of what goes on because of it directly influences the wizjo A-plot.

Now we’re dealing with Johnnys time-tempered feelings that he’s accepted nothing would happen with but are still very alive, and ISABEL, who has JUST realized and has been stewing in her feelings all summer. With no outlet or real processing. Cant even go to johnny about it because well he Is johnny. He’s johnny and he gets under her skin and helps her with her transmutation homework and when she blasts him in dueling class he gets back up with a bigger grin than when she knocked him down. And she’s going to explode, she thinks.

And I’ve talked about this but when Headmaster Boss Leader (lmfao) says the forest is off limits during the tournament, of course they bet who can sneak out and last longer. And of course both friend groups scatter and get lost in the woods and of course who finds each other but. each other. and of course theyre both angry and worried about their friends and on guard bc theyre in the fucking forbidden forest at like 1am. Isabels ashamed that she didnt think more and johnnys grumpy and theyre so so blaming it on each other. Don’t deal with your feelings when you can express them through what you both know best: bickering and riling each other up to get the energy out. Isabels doing all this while trying Not to think about her crush. Johnnys long accepted his crush and that it’s not going to happen. So they are both very very surprised when Isabel kisses him mid argument, much to her horror. She apologizes and they get back to looking for their friends, who find them first. Later that night Isabel decides to apologize properly, because in her mind she let her emotions get out of control and seriously took advantage of him and she feels horrible about it. He’s someone she cares about, even though he probably doesn’t feel the same way, and it was wrong (She’s beating herself up and saying see? heres what happens if you let yourself have nice things. youd be lucky if he even speaks to you after what you did. you cant do this again.). Johnny however hears ‘that meant nothing to me i’m embarrassed and dont read into it’. Which is. Fine. He knew that. He’s known that. Hes big and scary and doesn’t let something like rejection get to him. Especially cause it wasn’t even rejection because she was never interested in the first place! Which he knows! So it doesn’t matter! And he can handle it really well! Yeah sure thing Guerra no big deal why’d she ever WANT to kiss him right theyre not like that! See her at practice ! they both walk away like Glad that was cleared up! [screaming]

This keeps happening. 6th year is when everything thats been boiling starts bubbling over.

isabel kisses johnny and everything gets wobbly. they’re trying to focus on their studies, and quidditch, and maintain that comfortable friendship theyve had since 3rd year, and not think about how nice it would be to try it just one more time. everyone, including the guest students from other schools that are here for the tournament, can see that theyve got something going on, even if they cant. johnny makes an excuse to drape his legs over isabels lap. isabel finds an excuse to grab johnnys wrist, or nudge him on the shoulder. they’re trying to deal with how things used to be and how they are now and how they want them to be and how they feel.

they ALMOST kiss again during wizard prom, which they don’t attend together. but they dont.

and then they have exams in spring. and isabels sooooo confident that she’ll knock out that stupid dog boggart just like she did third year. so she’s pretty shaken up when her grandpa shows up instead and says hes pulling her out of school early. shes too much trouble and hes through putting up with this time-wasting education, its time for her to quit being an embarrassment to him and finish learning the family magic. theres a lot more insults thrown in but thats the jist. and she goes running to the commonroom because not only did all that happen and she’s freaking out, but it happened and she freaked out in front of the entire class. and johnny goes after her because hes worried like crazy and they have a moment and he goes a bit overboard on the whole ‘if thats what your real grandpas like then i dont care who he is hes a jackass. cant he see what an annoyingly massive brain youve got on your shoulders or how youre cracked at strategy or’ and he does that for like 10 minutes while gently rubbing her back and isabel is having another crisis on top of her grandpa crisis. because what she tried so hard to kill is still very much alive. and hes being weirdly soft and comforting and she feels better with him here and its a lot to deal with. And she feels horrible and guilty and she doesn’t want him to stop.

Johnny is trying desperately to break tension and make sure she knows its bullshit. She’s HIS friend! Nobody talks like that about one of HIS friends and gets away with it! Even if it was a creature disguised as her grandpa and not actually her grandpa! SHE deserves to know that it’s not true and HES not gonna stand by it! But shes resisting and hes frustrated and there’s got to be SOMETHING thatll get through her head there’s got to be SOMETHING he can do to show her what he thinks but shes being DIFFICULT and hes BAD AT WORDSTHINKING and- oh okay thats a kiss. To get through her big smart wonderful dense skull. And it’s very soft and very determined to say ‘you’re wonderful. this is how wonderful i think you are. you dont need me to tell you it but please listen please please please if you need to hear it from someone else ill tell you. i dont really know how to in the way you deserve but youre worth learning’. All in front of the couch they spent hours on studying and planning matches on and napping and its warm and isabel is. well. Isabel Is In Trouble.

And then oh. Well. Um. Hello Maxwell. Who Came To Check On Us Because We Were Taking So Long .

frankly i’m still not sure how they sort that one out. johnny awkwardly excuses himself. and sometime before the school year ends they Actually Talk About It

By 7th year theyre together and very happy and very much the school menaces. Turns out avoiding your feelings gets you nowhere when instead you could face them and put your head together and cause all your separate rabblerousery with each other. And also hold hands with your best friend who you meet for breakfast and fall asleep on and spar against and get excited over the upcoming quidditch season with and kiss and sneak out to the astronomy tower with a blanket. isabel doesn’t want to take over franciscos legacy and johnnys like ‘i mean youve been pretty busy buildin your own, cap’. and she thinks. yeah. but itd be um. kind of empty with just me, dont you think?

Because she likes spending time with him. Because he’s her quidditch partner. Because she doesn’t think she could see herself playing with anyone else. Because she doesn’t think she could see herself wanting to play with anyone else. And then shes in trouble. Because neither does he.