#he hates me and wishes I was never born. kms.

[reineabeillexo]

==========

Bonjour, tumblr!

The Louvre is beautiful! I mean, this is the 23rd time I've gone, but still beautiful! And so nice of daddy to rent the whole place out for me! 🎨💵

[swallowed-by-the-moon]

I'm just wondering what my life could've been like if I wasn't constantly broken for life. everyone was breaking me, I had nowhere to hide, no comfort space so I just had to live with being constantly pushed. "you have to do what your grandmother tells you even if it's YOUR vacation and you just want to chill instead of constantly doing what she wants", "she tried to beat you up, shouted at you and humiliated you on the street? you provoked her. you just have to do what she says and we don't care what you want", "she called you fat, told you that your ass is so big it doesn't fit into the doors, told you you looked like a junkie? she's your grandmother she doesn't want to hurt you. besides she did so much for you, you should be grateful", "no we won't take you home because we don't want to. do what you want". I started to want to kms at 12 because of her. because of how she treated me. I felt like I was just a slave, not her grandchild. I don't contact with her in any way for almost 2 or 3 years now ig and I have no regrets.

tgey never asked me what I wanted, I attended the after school activities I hated and they didn't give a single shit about how I felt because "there's no "I want or I don't want to do this" in life, there are things you HAVE TO do". my wishes were never treated with respect. my father ignored me and still does and if I tried to make him love me when I was a kid I just don't give a shit about him now, I want him to perish. my mother always switched sides. when I fucked up even a little bit she went from "you are my unique creative child, I love you so much" to "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE LIKE TAHT?? THIS HAPPENED BECAUSE OF YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE CONSTANTLY TRYING TO BE SO UNIQUE AND YOU ARE SO ATTENTION SEEKING. YOU MAKE YOURSELF LOOK UGLY". and I know when she lashed out on me she meant every word whereas when she was telling me how much she loves me she was probably lying because you can't seriously think that someone is so cool and unique while also seeing them as an ugly attention seeker

I loved to play guitar when I was younger, I had a guitar teacher (who was an asshole but I didn't see it back then) who was lije a father figure to me and once my father straight up banned me from attending GUITAR LESSONS because he didn't like how I acted. I had to spend my last money to attend a lesson and when my father found out I visited a lesson he became furious. he was shouting at me and threatening to break my guitar and ban me from attending lessons completely. HE WAS GOING TO STRIP ME OF THE ONLY THING I FOUND MEANINGFUL IN THIS LIFE and that says a lot about him. he never cared and never will. all he does is act like he can stand me, but he can't and I know it for sure for I remember everything and people don't change

I was told I was guilty when I was called to a principal's office because I was wearing corpse paint inspired make up (there were no crosses or pentagrams on my face, basically I just did a back eye makeup which looked like flames). guilty for what? "halloween is over and you know it. that's no way to show up to school" but what can I do? I am naturally like that I can't just be like everyone else because I'm an artist by nature and my body is a canvas. they told me to throw away all my band merch, start wearing normal clothes, dye my hair in a natural colour and grow my hair to "look more like a girl". it triggered me so bad, I couldn't stand a thing of being trapped in someone else's body having to look like they tell me to. sui attempt. failure. pills. scars. sadness and pity in everyone's eyes.

later my mother was telling me that she knew taht I was unique tge moment I was born which Ig she said just to please me because if she really thought I was unique she had to know I won't just be "normal". yet she tried to make me be that. she bought me a scar removal gel and I knew where it was going. she couldn't accept my scars as they were

once I asked my mother if she knew what she was doing when she gave birth to me, if she knew about the fact that I will not be just a funny lil toy, but a human she'll have to take care of? and she told me "I thought the love towards you will come to me naturally and it won't be so hard to raise you". at least she told the truth

I feel so envious when others tell me their parents never pushed them to do shit they didn't want to or spend time with relatives that are obviously abusive. sometimes I think what did I do wrong to be treated like I have no personal will to do things, like I'm just an object, a property? they've broken me and they are okay with that. they laugh at memories that bring me so much pain. and I know they will never change because they don't want to

[atlaskrr]

I lied when I said I'm healing. Everyday I just feel like shit and every happy moment is fleeting. I hate feeling useless because what am I supposed to do with myself if I'm not good at anything.

My art is alright but alright is not good enough. Writing is the one thing I felt good at but now I'm just one step away everytime from being good enough. I like science but I don't have the willpower to turn it into something. Whenever someone compliments me I feel like they're just saying it to be nice or have low standards and it fucking sucks because I ask them to get assured only to continue and doubt. I don't want to be an attention seeker but even when I am nothing makes me feel good enough. If I ever do it goes away in a snap. I feel like I'm moving too slow in everything.

I can't tell when people are genuinely nice to me because in my head I'm a burden to everybody because everytime I have a friend I try to hold on tight and maybe that's annoying because the tighter I hold the more they slip away. I feel like I'm too broken to be loved because when someone gets close I spill my heart to them but maybe my heart just carries to much baggage for them and I dont want to weigh them down for my sake I'm already selfish enough as is.

I feel like I just hurt people at this point. My parents always argue because of me and I don't want to hear my mom talking about kms and going insane because of me when my dad threatens divorce and yells at everyone. I'm scared I'm becoming an angry person like my dad and I don't want to hurt people like he does.

Some days I open my bathroom window and wonder what if I just jumped out and died suffering on the ground. I have to close the window and move back to cry on the ground. Some days I have no motivation to do anything. I want to shrivel up and die in bed because I'm losing so many people. So if I have nothing to look forward to the next die why should I be alive. The only thing holding me back is the thought of people crying even if those people hurt me I don't want to hurt them. It feels selfish to kms so now I'm living for others and I'm so tired of it. I wish I wasn't born cause you can't miss someone you've never met. I wouldn't mind dying by accident or being murdered at this point. But I hate suffering yet I still sh sometimes when I'm stressed to punish myself.

I can feel genuinely haply and when I do I want to live but those moments go away so quickly is there even a point. I want to heal and I am. I'm able to feel happier than I have in a long time. But it's hard to just leave the shit behind.

[lunarmessenger]

RFA Dating Asexual MC - RFA, V, + Saeran

request sent in by @engel-katze . this is for you, angel! 

DISCLAIMER: I myself am NOT asexual and I can’t convey the broad spectrum that is asexuality. If any of my followers are asexual and feel like this does not represent them at all please let me know and I will adjust it to the best of my ability. I would hate to misrepresent anybody, and I want to make sure you all are seen and heard as accurately as possible. I love you. - luna xx

warnings: some sexual themes, but nothing too crazy.

Zen:

• He’s taken by surprise for sure

• He doesn’t understand it at first; he thought that maybe you just weren’t ready to go all the way with him yet, and he respected that

• But one night the both of you were exchanging kisses here and there and his hands started to wander and you could see his expression getting darker with need

• So you shoved him off of you and onto the floor

• “MC I’m so sorry I should have known that you weren’t ready yet I—”

• He isn’t hurt at all by your pushing away he just wants to understand

• And so you explain to him that it’s not...personal per say

• You thought that he was very handsome and if you could, you would absolutely jump his bones every second

• Though he’d never tell his ego was nice and fluffed by that reassurance

• But the thought of the act of having sex (with anybody, not just him) made you physically sick and he never made you feel bad about it once; if anything he was happy that you were communicating

• The two of you discuss maybe alternatives or different ways to both have that sexual release with each other, without any sort of act of intercourse involved so that it wouldn’t negatively effect you.

Yoosung

 • His self esteem took a rather hard hit for sure

• He thought that you didn’t even romantically like him and didn’t know how to tell him otherwise

• One night his hand was on your thigh and he started softly running his hand up and down

• You looked away from the television to look at him, noticing how his brows were furrowed from nerves as he looked at you.

• “Yoosung...?” Your voice was anxious and he could tell, but he thought that maybe if he just tried a little harder; made the first push.

• He kissed you once, and then gently placed you in his lap, and as you sat there you could feel his lower region beginning to harden

• “Oh, oh God no wait—” You hurriedly pushed yourself off, standing away from him across the coffee table as his face fell

• “Is...is it me? Am I not attractive enough? I know that I’m not rich like Jumin, or as toned and attractive as Zen, but...” His eyes started to fill with tears and you instantly felt your heart sank

• “No! Oh, God Yoosung no please...” You hurriedly ran to his lap and knelt in front of him, taking his hands in yours

• You tried your best to explain what it was and why you didn’t really want to have sex with him

• He was so relived that he cried

• He’s lowkey okay with it because while, he’s never experienced sex and he knows that he wants to have sex and experiences sexual attraction

• He’s too anxious about his performance in the bedroom to do anything anyway; he just tried initiating things because he thought that’s what you wanted

Jaehee

• Not even phased lmao

• You’d decided to tell her one night after work when the two of you were exhausted and you just blurted it out

• “I...I’m asexual, Jaehee. I don’t...I don’t feel sexual attraction.”

• “....okay.”

• That was literally it

• You were actually a little pissy that she reacted so calmly; since that’s not the reaction you usually get

• She honestly didn’t care if you wanted to have sex or not; if anything after you’d explained to her what it was she herself thought that that might be her sexuality too

• She has always been romantically attracted to women, but when it came to sex for either gender she just felt...like it was pointless. No need.

• “I think I was able to take it so easily MC is because, well, I think I am too.”

• You were okay with that. More than okay with that.

Jumin

• It was hard enough for Jumin to get a better understanding of his own emotions

• You didn’t want to overwhelm him with your sexuality, especially because of how rare it was

• One night the two of you were in bed, his hands wandering over your body as you two kissed

• You weren’t fully comfortable but you figured maybe, just maybe you could do it. For him.

• That didn’t work well at all

• “Are you sure, MC?”

• “Yes, Jumin. Go ahead.”

• “...Then why are you crying?” You hadn’t even realized until he said it, shaking your head softly as you sniffed

• “Don’t worry about it okay? Just..are you almost done?”

• “MC.” He was concerned and a little hurt, immediately pulling away as he turned on the bedroom lights

• You covered your naked body and immediately began to sob, Jumin holding you close as your body shook from how hard you were crying

• “I’m so sorry, please don’t be angry with me. I...I’m asexual, Jumin. I can’t do it I can’t—”

• “Shh, MC it’s alright. It’s okay. I just wish you’d told me sooner, darling...”

• After that night Jumin tried his best to make sure he didn’t cross any boundaries

• If he wasn’t working on paperwork from his job he was reading a book on asexuality and researching it, just to make sure he knew the ins and outs of a rather important part of you

707

• He thinks you’re joking at first when you tell him the poor idiot

• He knows that asexuality is rare and so he figured it was just another sort of prank or joke that you were trying to pull

• To be fair you were rather nonchalant about it because you figured it was important he know and that he wouldn’t make a big deal out of it like others have in the past

• So he freaks out when out of nowhere he shoves his hands down your pants with a cheeky giggle while you guys are play fighting and you immediately scream and bite his shoulder

• And I mean bite it like you drew blood from how hard you bit this man

• “Ah! MC, what the hell?!”

• “I should be asking you that! What is your problem? Don’t stick your hand down my pants you asshole!”

• You immediately ran out of the living room and slammed the bedroom door behind you, feeling embarrassed and a little violated by your own boyfriend

• While he hurriedly tends to his shoulder to stop the bleeding his mind immediately drifts back to the conversation you’d had with him towards the beginning of the relationship

• He literally wants to kms he’s so mad at himself

• He figured you two hadn’t had sex yet because you were just trying to take it slow; after all it’d only been a few months

• Now he understands

• He gave you time to calm down and after about an hour he reaches out to you

• He fiercely apologizes and promises that he will educate himself better and take you more seriously

V

• Like Jumin he’s not really familiar with the term itself

• So when you bring it up to him he’s a little embarrassed to ask so many questions to clarify what that meant for the two of you

• “Essentially, you don’t feel sexual attraction? Like when you look at me, or anybody else who you want to have sex you just don’t feel the need to?”

• “In a way, yeah. Every person who is asexual is different, but that’s how I feel about it. I personally can have sex with you I just... I won’t really want it and I don’t need it.”

• Still a bit confused but he respects your boundaries, always

• “Okay, MC. Thank you for letting me know.”

• He’s never been in a relationship like this before, and his last one was a complete train wreck

• But he’s trying

• You both establish boundaries with one another when it comes to intimacy; what he’s comfortable with and what you’re comfortable with

• It was a bit rough and took a lot of adjusting but with patience and progress the two of you ended up with a healthy and happy relationship

Saeran

• “You’re what?”

• He really isn’t trying to be an asshole, he just genuinely is surprised and confused

• He’s still dealing with his emotional and physical trauma that he went through from his childhood and Mint Eye

• The idea of having sex and being intimate with you was the last thing on his mind and you were okay with that

• At first he thought that your sexuality had something to do with your upbringing and trauma and he thought you two would be able to relate

• While you didn’t have the easiest childhood, that wasn’t why you were asexual. That’s just...the way you were. You always have been asexual you were just born that way.

• “So it’s like when you’re gay? Or bisexual?”

• “Yes precisely.”

• He understands a lot more now and he tries his best to educate himself and keep himself in line

[akookminsupporter]

A relatively new army here whose favorite is Jimin. Not young anymore too. When I see JM being villified is frankly a mystery to me. We will, as we always say, never know the exact nature of their relationships but to be hated and called names is sort of too strong an emotion for someone who has consistently shown Taehyung so much love and support through the years. One series comes to mind, in BV3 Malta, the constant calls to V before he joined them, and the time he showed V around what he thought was the best spot, spending time with V because that was what he needed at the time, the quiet hug at the end of the meal when V just came back, the constant checking if V was ok. Still continues to this day, just look at RUN BTS, the tennis, the 777 special. Really frustrating. Now don’t get me started on others cancelling KM’s bond. Even if they think they are not together, how can people even think that they are being forced to interact. Are we even watching the same thing? Sorry, is this even an ask?

It's understandable the doubts and reticence of some people about the veracity of Jimin and Jungkook's relationship but it's completely stupid to doubt Jimin and Tae's relationship. Jimin and Tae love each other. Although Jimin and Tae don't talk in depth about their relationship, they don't talk about things they do outside of their working hours as Jimin and Jungkook do, there is no doubt about their bond. That's why I will never understand how Tae's fans say they love him and the next second they are insulting Jimin, when it's clear that Tae adores Jimin, he is possibly his favorite person in the group.

The hatred towards Jimin is born out of envy, because he has what the haters wish to have: Tae and Jungkook's love and attention.

[words-for-holland]

Quarantine Series: Burnt Out

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: Y/N has to work from home during Quarantine, but when she gets extremely busy it’s up to Tom to find a way to help her relax .

A/N: This is my second attempt at this piece. Last time I created this it was super long but it got deleted 😩

Check the Rest: Burnt Out | A New Look | Secret Cuts & Kisses | Breaking Friendships |The Birthday Week | Movie Night | Silence is Golden?|

All Y/N ever wanted was an opportunity to work from home. Then again, who wouldn't want that opportunity? All she could think about was how nice it’d be to work in the comfort of her own home, not have to dress up in business professional clothing, and most importantly be surrounded by the people she cared for the most. But as the saying goes, “Be careful for what you wish for.”

When a global pandemic decided to take over 2020, Y/N certainly got her wish. Her company was forced to work from home until further notice, but what she didn’t expect was the amount of work she would be given. Y/N was pulled from project to project with deadlines thin as paper, and was expected to pick up the extra work of those that were no longer with the company. There was no time to catch a breath, and there certainly was no time to spend with her beloved boyfriend, Tom. This only made Y/N more depressed and made the Holland boys only more concerned.

“Mate, you got to get her to take a break. She’s gonna overdo it.” Harrison commented to his best friend, as they watched Y/N type away like a zombie from the kitchen.

“You think I don’t know that?!” Tom responded with a defeated sigh. “Every time I ask her, she always brushes it off and claims shes fine. Don't get me wrong, Im proud of her and admire her work ethic, but damn its sucking the life out of her.”

Both Harrison and Tom continued to observe Y/N with a cup of tea on hand, wondering how long it would take before she snapped. Tom hated seeing her like this. To him this wasn’t fair. It’s not fair that her 8 hour shift now became a 15 hr shift. Its not fair that she had to work 3 weekends straight, and it certainly wasn’t fair that her company took precious time away to be together. It was hard enough already that he couldn’t spend time with Y/N like a normal boyfriend would because of filming. Now, that he has the opportunity to make up for the lost time, it’s taken away.

“What if you surprised her?” Harrison quipped.

Tom looked up at his best friend with curious eyes. It took a few minutes to sink in, until the brightest idea figuratively smacked him in the face. “Yeah...yeah!” he responded, a smile forming “And I think I know exactly how to do it.”

As Tom was working through the thought process of his brilliant plan, his younger brother entered the kitchen, looking for his usual afternoon snack. “Hey, does anyone know where —. Oh no...” Harry groaned as he looked up at Tom and Harry. “Whatever it is that you two are planning...Leave me out of it.”

“Come on, mate. You dont even know what were planning.” Harrison defended

“Believe me, I know enough and any plan that involves you in it, is likely to fail 99.9% of the time.” Harry opened up his bag of crisps as he continued to list out the other 99 possible reason why they should have left Y/N alone like she wanted. “Cmon guys, you know how she gets. When she doesnt want to be bothered, she doesnt want to be bothered.”

“You’re right Harry, but she’s so stressed, she’s homesick, and one day she’s going to overdo it. Id be a shit boyfriend, if I let it happen.” Tom reasoned. “Look, Im not trying to do anything crazy here. I just want to give her that sense of comfort and see her relax.”

Harry looked at his brother and then at Harrison, both displaying their best puppy dog eyes, in hopes that he’ll join in. “The face doesnt work on me...but I’ll help for Y/N’s sake.”

Meanwhile, Y/N continued her work in the living room, her eyes firmly glued to the computer screen. After being dragged into the kitchen and the Holland plan, Tuwaine slowly made his way to Y/N. “Hey Y/N.” he happily greeted. “I think it’s time for you get some fresh air, don’t you think?”

Y/N looked up, her glasses slightly shifting forward down her nose. “You know theres this thing called being stuck in Quaratine right?” she responded, continuing to code her project.

“I think the real question is do you really want to work here when there’s just nothing but CONSTANT NOISE !” Tuwaine yelled out, hoping the others would catch on.

“What?!” Tom yelled back. It took him some time to realize what Tuwaine meant by his statement. “Oh...Right!” Quickly, Tom grabbed whatever pot or pan he could grab his hands on and dropped them on the counter. Harrison and Harry gave Tom the strangest look. “What? I gave him some noise?”, he shrugged.

“See?” Tuwaine smiled back at Y/N. “You wouldnt want to distract that working brain of yours with all this going on, right?” Y/N furrowed her eyebrows as Tuwaine as she looked at him and the closed off kitchen. Did they think she was born yesterday? Of course she knew they were up to something. None of the boys were subtle enough to keep everything hush hush.

Y/N shook her head and decided to just go with it. The faster she complied, the faster they’d leave her alone, which only meant more time to finish her work. Tuwaine helped carry her laptop, mouse, and charger to the porch as he led her outside. “See, arent you glad your outside, breathing in fresh air with no distractions?”, Tuwaine spoke out.

Y/N took her time to admire the view. “Wow”, she whispered under her breath. Y/N couldnt remember the last time she set foot outdoors. Seeing the sunlight hit the flower beds, the gentle breeze rustle through the grass; it was beautiful. Of course, the moment was short lived with a simple ding, which only multiplied by the second.

Y/N dripped her head back, trying to rub out the frustration from her face. “Yes, well it was fun while it lasted. Duty calls.”

“Im sure they wouldnt mind if you just took five minutes for yourself at least.” Tuwaine commented, feeling bad about the amount of work he saw popping up on your screen.

“Yeah well that’s Corporate for you. Doesnt matter if you’re 500 km away or if a virus is hurting the population. If you’re not working, you’re useless.” Y/N shrugs. It wasn’t like her company was completely evil, this was just how business worked.

“I know Y/N, and we all see that you care deeply about your work but we’re all so worried about you too. We want you to be mentally okay as well. I know Tom is worried about you the most...He misses you, you know.”

Y/N’s heart dropped the second she heard him say it. She knew that all of this was gonna take some time away from Tom, but she hadn’t realized how much he would be missing her, even though they’re living under the same roof. “Yeah I miss him too, more than anyone will know. Believe me.” Y/N pondered for a moment as she stared at the work in front of her. Perhaps five minutes couldn’t hurt. “Maybe I will take that break after all.”

“Really?”, Tuwaine was surprised she had agreed so quickly, and at the same time he panicked. Tom and the others were not ready for Y/N’s surprise yet. “On second thought, Im wrong. You should keep going and try to finish up that project of yours or else you’ll never be done.”

“Excuse me?” Y/N asked as she tried to close her laptop. “You just spent a whole half hour trying to convince me to stop working, and now you want me to go back and work?”

“Yeah..I mean what do I know, right?” He laughed nervously. Tuwaine looked back at the door, for some sort of signal. Come on man it’s not like your preparing a break for the Queen of England.

“Listen Tuwaine, if I go back there and you boys break anything in that house...I swear— I’ll”

“Y/N!” Tom interjected as he stepped out to the porch. He wrapped his arms behind her waist, giving her a gently kiss on the top of her head. “How’s work, my pretty girl?” He looked back at Tuwaine and mouthed a thank you to him as he left the love birds alone.

Y/N turned around to face Tom, taking in his features and running her hands at the nape of his neck. “Busy, but what else is new? I’ve been missing you a whole lot”

“Me too, darling. Anyway, Im really hoping you can take a break from all this because I’ve got something special for you.”

“Oh no, babe. You know you didnt have to anything for me. Really Im fine..I-“

“I wanted to. In fact the boys wanted in on it too. So this is really from all of us, if you think about it.” Tom grabbed Y/N’s hand as he led her back in to house. “Come.”

As they both enetered the house hand in hand, Tom led Y/N into the kitchen, where the rest of the boys waited with diner burgers in hand and warm homemade chocolate chip cookies on the side of table. What seemed like a simple meal was a cure for any bad day..at least for Y/N it was. It represented a sense of home for her, while being far from Jersey. Even though she hadnt realized it, Tom and the boys knew she needed it. “Wow” Y/N breathed “I...I dont know what to say.”

“Dont say, just eat” Harrison laughed. “In all honesty this was Tom’s idea. We just wanted to make sure you had the support you need.”

“Yeah you deserve this, so please enjoy it.” Harry added. With that, everyone dug in and bonded over a family dinner, sharing laughs and stories. Tom leaned toward Y/N whispering in her ear, “I have a few more surprises after this.”

The next few surprises did not disappointment. He set up a nice warm bath for the two of them to relax and enjoy each others compny. A few subtle kisses, laughter, and silence was shared between the two. Y/N leaned back into Tom’s chest, feeling the water gently flow back and forth. Breathing in and out, she had forgotten how good this felt. Being close to Tom, was a different experience, one that no one could ever do justice. This was what she really needed.

After the bath, Tom led her into their shared bedroom. For a moment, Y/N stopped him as she pulled his head down to hers, giving him the kiss he rightfully deserved. Her lips crashed with his, his hands gently holding the sides of her tiny face. He picked her up as she wrapped her legs around his waist and situated themselves on the bed. Reluctantly, they both pulled away, catching their breath. Their foreheads touching and noses gently rubbing the others. “I love you. I love you more than you could possibly know.” Y/N whispered to him

“And I love you. I just want to give you the world because you deserve it all. My hardworking pretty girl.” Of course all good things must come to an end.

After a great well spent break was shared between Y/N and Tom, she was back on the work grind. Only this time she was working in their room as Tom was reading a script for his next upcoming project. The more Y/N coded, the sleepier she was getting. It onyl took a few minutes before she started leaning into Tom and her eyes started to flutter. Her breaths became slower and she was out like a light.

Tom turned to look at Y/N, smiling to see the sight of her finally at peace. He removed her glasses and set them by her table side. Tom made sure to clock her out of work abd checked to see if her work was saved. Just as he was about to turn off her laptop, another message popped up. “Great”, he muttered, rolling his eyes at the fact her team is still working at this hour. He couldnt help but read it though. Just how badly did they need her anyway?

We all know how hard you’re working and going above and beyond to get these projects out the door. For that, we thank you! On behalf of the company we’d like you all to take a day off on us!

Tom smiled, relieved that shell finally get some time for herself. Feeling triumphant, he shut off her laptop and set it aside. Crawling back into the bed and covering themselves under the blanket. His arms wrapped her waist once again. “Goodnight, my love. Im so proud of you.” he whispered.

[gayregis]

ok also. i don't think geralt's into pet names BUT he's really just like. thoroughly physically affectionate. like he's not good with words but he knows very well just how and where his bf wants to be kissed and touched and what makes him feel good and what makes him feel appreciated both in terms of sex and in just in general and in turn jaskier is very vocal abt how good geralt makes him feel or abt how much he really appreciates him and his company and how he loves him bc They Know Each Other

in a little sacrifice when geralt begins tripping over his words around dandelion and essi... he was shortcircuiting from the pressure of having to speak in front of two poets. ... the thing is that geralt has the capability to be incredibly eloquent, but it’s only when he’s not thinking about it, and also usually when it’s about something he scorns, or a hateful situation (the nature of humanity, impending doom, the dangers and woes that ciri is facing...) ... when he has to speak about good things and love, he kind of becomes reduced to “you make me feel good in my heart :)” 

i know that this isn’t the ship on the table right now, but, i mean, it took geralt four books and like what, 10 years, to tell yennefer he loved her... i feel like with dandelion, there was less, ahem, drama in their relationship (they don’t really on again/off again, it’s more of a mutual everlasting thing) so it could have gotten to that point sooner between them, but it also has to be considered when exactly it turns romantic or geralt Realizes that he’s not only capable of love but legitimately loves dandelion ... not just in a friend way... 

(personally i understand the appeal of a ship that has love at first sight, but i really like the “love at second sight” dynamic in which they realize they’re important to each other right off the bat but only really realize their feelings later... also i think falling in love / realizing that you have fallen in love with your best friend is a common gay/bi experience...)

so i like to put the estimate of when geralt Realizes actually exactly at the point where dudu changes into dandelion in eternal flame. because at that moment geralt realizes that all he wanted to do when faced with dandelion is hold him, talk with him, be with him somewhere quiet, peaceful, and safe... that he loves him, even if he is wearing that stupid gaudy blue kaftan... that all he ever feels towards dandelion is this desire to be with him, spend time with him, protect him from anything that may come their way... dudu and geralt in this moment both were expecting geralt to raise his sword, geralt was already reluctant and never wants to harm innocents, but after dudu shifted form into dandelion, any kind of drive he possibly could have had for unsheathing his blade in an act of violence just got knocked out of him, blew away like the wind. (also worth noting that right before dudu shifted into dandelion’s form, he was in geralt’s form, and that only made geralt actually more OK with using violence than he was with dudu in any other form... geralt’s self-loathing knows. only a few bounds.)

the reason why i bring it back to this time geralt realizes he’s in love is because of that moment where all he wants is to just sheathe his sword, rush forward, and hold dandelion in his arms... feeling horror at the fact that his sword is glistening in his hand. he doesn’t know what to say, actually, in this moment. the dialogue becomes a monologue as dudu continues speaking in dandelion’s voice and form, and where geralt is supposed to repond, it just says: “geralt nodded reluctantly.” “the witcher said nothing.” “the witcher said nothing.” i interpret this scene as him basically being paralyzed with feelings, especially after a shard of ice where he and istredd went toe-to-toe and was told he can’t experience love because it’s a biological impossibility. he’s still thinking about this question throughout eternal flame, and it comes to a head in this scene, because what else, other than love, stayed his blade, paralyzed him?

geralt’s situation relating to his feelings and love are intensely complex. it’s not the simple “oh i have feelings for you but i’m too abashed to say them uwu,” but rather “i was born to be emotionless so i could fill a societal role and specific caste laid out for me but your presence in my life has changed everything and now i think i might be able to feel love, and i feel love for you” ... so yeah he has difficulty verbalizing all of that. especially when he hasn’t had a traditional upbringing with the presence of fairy tales and stories of love told to him since childhood, he’s missed out on a lot of “normal” societal things like this so he does not have a framework to understand his feelings through! no one told geralt that when you want to spend night and day with someone, sleep in the same bed, talk to them endlessly, and you feel like you can be completely honest and truly yourself and seen for who you really are around somebody... that’s love! 

before dandelion’s presence in geralt’s life, the idea of pleasant touch was really foreign to geralt. from contracts, he felt claws and teeth and maybe the sewing of a wound afterwards. from other contact with other humans, he felt nothing except the ocassional contemptous spitting or throwing of stones (legit what it says in the last wish). the witchers in KM seem to go for that masc shit (he and eskel hug for an imperceptable moment, blink and you’ll miss it) and i can imagine witchers roughhouse for fun and stuff like that, but in the outside world, with no one who could ever understand who he is, what he is, what role he was meant to play... it’s a very isolating life. 

i’m stealing an entire paragraph from this other post i wrote a while ago: “tbh there was probably an entire first week of their friendship where geralt flinched or became immediately alert when dandelion got close to him to speak, touch his arm in jest or gentle motion, or grabbed onto his hand, forearm, or sleeve in anxiety, because geralt just…. wasn’t used to anyone touching him, even in a passing or platonic manner.” geralt wasn’t used to kind touch, but he has highly trained mind-body coordination. i think in one part of tower of the swallow in a chapter prelude, witchers are called a “caste of warrior-priests” which just makes me think of the monk class in D&D... which can be a good analogy. geralt is NOT just a sellsword. his profession goes entirely much deeper, it’s literally what he was genetically altered to perform. this is why he has such a difficult time separating himself from his work, because it almost cannot be done. witchers do undergo extensive training, and especially individuals like geralt who are focused on ethics and morality take time to reconcile the physical and mental effects on their body. it’s not really just “guy with sword feels things physically bc that’s just how he’s wired,” but geralt has really tuned his soul and body together as a result of both his profession and coping with being forced into his profession.

so i think when dandelion introduces this concept of good touch to him in addition to the idea that he can be loved / deserves companionship, it’s natural for geralt as he becomes more in-tune with his emotions to feel them more physically. i ask whomstever is reading to take their mind out of the gutter bc this part at least is a nonsexual context, because they can put it straight back into the gutter later, since this post does involve dandelion.geralt’s emotions are practically on the same level of chronic pain as his shattered leg later on in the series. you know when you feel despair and grief in your chest, the tingling sensation of love in your arms and shoulders, the bristling anger on the back of your neck... it’s along those lines. 

so when he’s feeling emotions very heavily, and can’t begin to craft the statement beginning with, “so, i’m not supposed to feel emotions, but...” he just acts with his body. this can actually be seen in all the times he saves dandelion, saves yennefer (debatable b/c she’s pretty badass; it’s more like he helped her), and when he just runs to ciri without even needing to say anything in something more. 

in his worst times, geralt’s a man of philosophy and surmising and indecisiveness... like in baptism of fire, regis says that the cardinal directions have no meaning to him, as long as he is going somewhere... he paces around, and also like in baptism of fire, the song about the ornery wolf... look how the wolf dances in the holt / teeth bared, tail waving, leaping like a colt (...) look how the wolf is dragging his paws / head drooping, tail hanging, clenching his jaws (...)” ... but in his best times, he’s a man of action. he acts when it’s most important.

ok time to put your head back into the gutter now! i’ll put the nsfw stuff under a cut to save all of your eyes

this part can be treated like an add-on to the post. wow, all this writing just to say geralt doesn’t suck at sex... ok. 

well in terms of geralt x dandelion i think that after their first time together, dandelion accuses him of lying about how many people he’s fucked, because ‘it can’t possibly be that small of a number’ because geralt wasn’t awkward. he was very emotional as to be expected, but also we know he doesn’t tend to show emotions on his face, so the intense rippling feeling of love & desire he feels when dandelion pushes his hair back behind his ear flew under the radar. which is good in geralt’s perspective, because he strongly feels that it would be embarassing if dandelion knew how much he’s affected by him. honestly similarly, dandelion who’s not embarassed by much is at first apprehensive to think about his and geralt’s relationship, because usually he can just leave whenever he feels like it... but with geralt, it became different, geralt was no fling, and realizing this very early on in their relationship was alarming until dandelion did what he usually does and just drops it and remains happy. 

honestly you could make the argument (not outright STATING it... i’m not being h*rny on sideblog...) but you could argue, that geralt and dandelion have bomb ass sex because both of them are canonically good in bed, weirdly enough. geralt is pretty giving and loving in his sex scenes, even when it’s not even romantic and rather a crazed passion, like with fringilla. it’s canon that he’s a proponent of oral sex b/c he defends the concept in discussion with regis and also gives it canonically, so idk what to really say here except geralt’s a real one and sapkowski had a vision i guess for his main character. 

another important thing mentioned in geralt’s sex scenes is that he’s pretty intuitive with pacing. in the last wish, he and yennefer take their time and have quite a soft and loving experience, and in lady of the lake, he and fringilla experience this more sort of intense scenario. but i think these differences are meant to speak to the differences in love and relationships between the pairings... while geralt and yennefer experience an all-consuming love of mind and body, geralt and fringilla had more of a ... bad decision. this makes us have to headcanon for what the pairing of geralt and dandelion would be like, i’m inclined to say it would be a lot like geralt and yennefer because the thing about geralt and yennefer is that they find intimacy in each other that they’ve yearned for their entire lives, and geralt and dandelion have a lot of that similar energy of finding something in another that you’ve always longed for. 

especially towards the beginning of their relationship, i feel like just their abilities to be vulnerable are what drives them. of course, having emotional sex is a fireworks-type event for geralt, while for dandelion it’s more just like, 3 PM on a tuesday afternoon, so that affects their dynamic a lot, again especially in the beginning of their relationship before geralt met yennefer and villentretenmerth, because geralt really was just not sure of himself. dandelion’s very sure of himself so he kind of doesn’t realize that it’s the beginning of an Emotional Journey for geralt and not just something casual like eating brunch together. geralt becomes more confident over time though and that’s good but he still gets just regular pangs of gay love that stops your heart momentarily, from being ... in love... 

as for actual dynamic during i think it would be funny and good to keep them both in-character and interacting as they normally do. cue humorous arguments with no vitriol or consequence: “stop moaning in musical scales, it’s ruining my concentration” “no— fa so!” 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #235

“the monster you made is wearing the crown; i’ll be the king and you be the clown.”

What is your favorite move franchise? The Lion King. What was the last fast food you ate? I had a hot dog from Sonic and one of those pretzel twists things. What is the saddest book you’ve ever read? Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo. Do you prefer heroes or villains? Villains. Duh. They're like, always more interesting. What is something you think is overrated? Uhhh coffee, for one. But like what you like. What political cause are you most passionate about? Gay rights. What country would you most like to visit? South Africa. Have you ever considered having children? Literally the only period where I wanted kids was later into Jason's and my relationship. Hell, I wanted three while he was always like "onLY TWO." Now, I don't want a single one, ever. I would be an awful mother for many reasons. If you ever took field trips as a child, which was your favorite? The zoo with Dad, my then-best friend, and her mom. One and only time I've seen meerkats. I was so excited I almost cried. Do you have any weird family traditions? It's not like, a tradition, I think, but we have a unique thing where saying "I love you mostest period" is something Mom, Dad, and my sisters have used for all my life. It's a way of saying "I love you more than you could ever love me, no arguments." Now Sara's been dragged into it lmao. Have you ever considered acting? Nope. Who was the last person you slept next to? Sara. Do you think you can be in love and still cheat on your S.O.? You can't "be in love" with a person and fucking cheat on them, no. Do you subscribe to any streaming services? We have Netflix. Idk about anything else. Have you ever been in a physical fight? No. What is the most embarrassing thing anyone has on video of you? I don't even wanna know. Did you ever get lost as a child? Yep, in a Wal-Mart lmao. This old lady helped me find my fam. What is your favorite condiment? Honey mustard. Or ketchup. Depends. Have you ever had an existential crisis? Very surprisingly, not really. Do you like country music? Begone, demon. It's still so weird to me that I loved it as a kid, but I really just grew up with it. What color are the eyes of the person you love? Brown. What is your favorite kind of flower? I looooove orchids. What town were you born in? Not the best thing to share on the Internet, eh? Do you know how to play any card games? I only vaguely understood/understand Magic: The Gathering. It's honestly really fun, but very complex in rules. It was Jason's thing so he got me into it. I miss my PS3 working because I used to have the "Duels of the Planeswalkers" on there, and doing it digitally is much easier and helpful. I loved it mostly because the art is fucking incredible. It was an old little aspiration to wind up designing the art some day and I don't think I ever saw Jason more excited. What is something about your childhood that you miss? Being more into video games than I am now alskdjf;awe. I'm more of a viewer of let's plays now than an active gamer; meanwhile, as a kid, video games were my favorite things in the world. Did you ever have MySpace? Do you miss those days? Yeah, I had one. Honestly though I can barely remember it (other than the song on my page was "Pocketful of Sunshime" lmaooooo as well meerkat-flooded), so it doesn't matter. What is the best television show you’ve ever watched? Meerkat Manor is my favorite show of all time, but as a proper show could have been better. AP made up their own shit and deviated from the KMP facts A LOT (guess what: Mozart killed a competitor's litter before; not exactly MM's her, right?), and not only was that confusing, but just annoying. Give me the real shit; don't just tweak stuff for dramatic effect. I could list a novel of lies in the series. Now, what I feel is the best show without a meerkat bias and just has an overall good plot. I kinda wanna say Supernatural, but the boys dying five million times got old. Possibly Fullmetal Alchemist. Are there any songs you can’t listen to because they bring back memories? I 110% refuse to hear "Stairway to Heaven." Have you ever saved someone’s life? Funny this is brought up after recent events. My sweetheart online bud had a cerebral aneurysm while having an extremely difficult time talking to me, and no one was home quite yet. Her final message was concerning and she didn't reply to me for a while, so I wound up messaging her again after a bit, and her boyfriend heard the b.net notification sound. Saw it was me and asked what was up. Told him, and he figured out she wasn't sleeping on the couch, she was passed out. He told me he never would have known if I hadn't said something. So does that count, even though I didn't like, physically save her? Have you ever broken any major bones? No. Are there any websites you’ve used for over 10 years? Good question? Idk. WAIT HOLD THE FUCK UP, KM's 10th birthday is coming up real soon. Wow. I know YouTube has been much longer. Idr when I joined deviantART. Maybe there's more, I dunno. Do you have any siblings? If so, what are their ages? My two immediate are 22 (ew) and 26 (double ew). Anything exciting taking place today? No, today was A N X I E T Y !! ! ! !! !! What are you craving? Okay so I have been MEGA in "the mood" lately and it's frustrating especially because I don't masturbate so I have like nO OUTLET. Who did you last hit? Nobody saving for when I was a kid repeatedly slapped my sister's arm for doing something I don't remember. How do you do in school? It depends on the subject, but in anything, I am a MASSIVE procrastinator, and I need to fix that. Schoolwork, good good, homework in the library, good good, but when I'm at home, I cannot seem to convince myself to work. As Sara puts it, home is like my "safe" place, and I don't want to bring school into it. Adjusting to school life again after like... two whole years or so of doing NOTHING at all, almost every day all day, is very difficult. I'm SO glad I picked school again, it's just a lot for a person who was so isolated and void of responsibilities to get used to. What’s your biggest goal? Right now, continue to improve my mental health. Fight social anxiety and AvPD. Who have you texted today? Just Sara. Who do you aspire to be like when you grow up? In most ways, especially in kindness, wisdom, relentless determination, passion, creativity, etc. etc. etc. etc., Mark. I think it's obvious he's Role-Model #1. I would loooove to be like Jane Goddall and Steve Irwin, too, feeling with such ferocious potency for animals and how they should be respected and loved. UM AND ALSO, EUGENIA COONEY IS THE SWEETEST PERSON ON THE ENTIRE GODDAMN EARTH AND I WOULD LOVE TO BE AS FRIENDLY AND PRECIOUS AS SHE IS. Oh, and then there's Shane Dawson. I relate to him SO much. He is the most selfless angel that seems SO down-to-earth and relatable as hell. I feel like he could be like, my best friend. Ahhhhhhh there are so many more, I love talking about my inspirations, but I'll chill here. Do you know if you want to go to college or not? I'm in college right now, and I desperately want it to stay that way. I'm fucking going somewhere in my life, and the education it provides will bring me closer to that. College is far from mandatory for everyone, but I feel it is beneficial for me. Do you like grapefruits? I haven't had one in a LONG time, so I don't really remember how they taste. I just know sour. What do you think of guys who wear eyeliner? *drools in Darkiplier* the fuck do you think Do you like online games? Only World of Warcraft, really. Who’s one person you care about more than yourself? Okay, real talk, and I hope this is everybody's answer. No one. I'm putting my goddamn self and my mental peace first for the rest of my life. Are there any pets you’re wishing for? I want another ball python. When’s the last time you used hand sanitizer? Two days ago when Mom and I stopped somewhere to eat. Wearing anything that isn’t yours? No. What type of bread did you use on the last sandwich you made? White. How many doors are in your house? Uhhh six. What was the last compliment you received, that made you smile? Sara said she was really proud of me, and to me, that's one of the biggest compliments you CAN give me. Think you need to lose weight? How much? ugh When was the last time you watched a VHS movie? I don't have a clue. We kept our VHS longer than most, though. We had too many movies on it. What event would you go back in time to see, if you could? Ummmm I dunno. Do you remember the last thing you said you wanted? To hug Sara. Who was the last friend you hung out with&what’d you do together? Sara stayed for a week. We did a lot. Who is the person, other than a spouse, that you are closest to? Sara. If you watched it, who was your favorite Hey Arnold! character? Oh my god, I hated that stupid show, but one of my sisters liked it. Have any good school pictures? or do they all just suck? There is literally ONE picture from elementary school where I think I looked pretty. Do you like trying on clothes or not? & Why? NO. I try to avoid it if I can. It's just annoying to change clothes for like five seconds. What are your thoughts on marriage? It's sweet, but I've come to find it... kinda needless for the most part? Like I know it has financial pluses and the symbolism is beautiful, but it's just that: symbolism originating from fantasies (imo, don't scream at me). It only adds pressure to stay in a dying relationship and makes splitting much more complicated. BUT, even with all that said, I personally want to get married someday, but only if I am *sure* about this person. It's the symbolism I like. That and it's so ingrained into my head that that's the "end goal" of relationships, so I'm pretty much just conditioned to want it. How long have you lived in the current place you’re living? Two years. Do you plan on moving anytime soon, if so where? I want to, but I am not in the financial position or at a level of independence where I'm ready for that. Are you more of a follower, or a leader? Be honest. This may alter with the situation, but mostly, I'm definitely a follower. Are your dreams/nightmares in black&white or color? I've heard of this condition before and it really intrigues me. I dream in color. Have you ever wanted to be some sort of hero outside of video games? I mean, define "hero." Like an action superhero in a literal way, nooooo. I'd die on Day #1, lmao. As a hero/inspiration as a person, of course; who doesn't? Will you admit that you’re at least somewhat superficial? I mean, probably in some places? How often do you go to the mall closest to you? Almost never ever. Our mall sucks and has experienced too many shootings. Do you still count with your fingers, even if only every so often? Yep. Like, always. Have you ever gone on a road trip with just friends? No. Well, I went to the beach with my friend and her mom, but just for a day or two because my separation anxiety from Mom got too bad oof. Without trying, do you act differently around different friends? Depends on the friend. I don't "fake it," just how reserved I am can move around. What was the last thing you drew/wrote on your own or someone else's skin? Probably a butterfly on my wrists when I was actively part of the Butterfly Project community. The last time you spent money, what was it on & how much did you spend? $1.25 for a drink at school. What’s the most money you’ve ever spent on one piece of clothing? Idk, but definitely not a lot. In elementary school, were you more of the bully or the bullied? Thankfully, neither. Do you like when a spouse is clingy, or can you not stand that? I'm sure to a certain degree it would be annoying, but for the most part, hell, I think it's attractive. Especially since I NEED validation you like me. How much do you say you walk in a week outside of school &/or work? Just around my house if you exclude school. Is there anything you wish your parents did differently in raising you? I wish they'd given us chores. Wish Mom didn't spank us. What would you do if the last person you texted asked you out? Lol yo we JUST broke up like an hour ago. We're not ready to get back together yet, obviously. Don't worry a bit, we're both cool. Still best friends, even. To compress a long story, needed personal growth and distance have brought us to returning to just friends. For now, at least. Have you ever received a scholarship? I think so... but not like a huge one, I believe. Who was the last person who got frustrated with you? Most likely Mom. When was the last time you mopped your kitchen floor? I myself have never mopped it. Or maybe once. What is your favorite work of art? I mentioned the Denialism painting in my last survey. What was the last appointment or plan you had to cancel? Plan, my next one with my psychiatrist. What spur-of-the-moment decision that you’ve made has had the biggest impact on your life? I don't know if any have truly changed my life. The ones that did (that I remember) were pondered over. Do you know anyone who is (or has been) a refugee? I don't think so, What is your best friend’s worst habit? She doesn't have faith in herself for ANYTHING lj;ljalwie Do you like spinach and artichoke dip? alksd;fjwei no Have you ever felt like you were about to pass out, but didn’t? Yep, a couple times. What was the name of one of your childhood imaginary friends? I didn't have any. What’s your favorite phase of the moon? Full. Do you wish you were richer? I physically refuse to be anything less than stable, hopefully even above that, once I'm independent. We've been poor all my life and it is fuck-ing HARD. It's stressful as a motherfucker and I am done with it. Very. What’s a middle name you like? Quinn. Fits a lot. I planned on giving that middle name to my hypothetical daughter. Are you scared of spiders? y e a h Do you weigh the same as your mom? No. Were you a Mary-Kate and Ashley fan? Like the average 90s/early 2000s kid. Coffee mugs, teacups, or water bottles? Uh, aesthetically? Teacups, probably. Bubblegum or cotton candy? Gum. I like the taste and texture of cotton candy, it is just RIDICULOUSLY sweet. It bothers my sensitive teeth sometimes. Do you prefer to drink soda from cans, bottles or cups? Cans. They get the coldest. Game you were best at in P.E./gym? Idk, I didn't excel at any. What do you have for breakfast on an average day? I'll typically just have a meal replacement shake or a Pop-Tart. Favorite non-chocolate candy? Sour Punch Straws (gotta be red). Favorite book you had to read for school? The Outsiders. Most frequently worn pair of shoes? My flip-flops, 'cuz they're easy to just slip on. Ideal weather? Cool but not windy (a light breeze is fine) with a partly-cloudy sky. Obsession from childhood? Webkinz. Favorite crystal? Dragon's breath opal. Favorite activity to do in warm weather? Swim or stay the fuck inside. Favorite activity to do in cold weather? Taking pictures in the snow. Five songs to describe you? "Get Up" by Mother Mother, "That's What You Get" by Paramore, uhhh... I don't feel like thinking over this any longer. My iPod isn't near me to scan through what I have, so yeah. Best way for someone to bond with you? Let's have deep philosophical talks about like the meaning of life 'n shit. Top 5 favorite Vines? Oh my god, this is impossible. To name some that come to mind first, in no order: "It's Wednesday, m'dudes *insert mating call*", "I cOUld'vE dROPPED My croiSSANt," "this is why mom doesn't FUCKING LOVE YOU," that one at a club where a girl is doing smoke tricks and the dude just goes "check that out" (or "wow," idr) or something similar (I couldn't find it), and omfg I adore that Snoop Dogg one with the little boy just semi-dancing to that iconic song???? I LOVE IT??????? Man, there are so so many more. Very honorable mention: "a d a m". Ads you have stuck in your head? None, thankfully. What is the first meme you remember seeing? Uhhh maybe Happy Bunny? Idk. Sci-fi, fantasy, or superheroes? Fantasy. Favorite type of cheese? American. What saying or quote do you live by? There's a lot I've picked up on and cling to. #1 is perhaps "Deal with life, or life deals with you." What are you currently stressed about? Some... things I realized about myself that disgust me. Favorite fairy tale? Shrek is a goddamn fairy tale and I will fight to the death against anyone who claims otherwise. Favorite tradition? I don't really have one anymore, but I remember as a kid, I would NEVER let Mom forget to throw some "reindeer food" outside for them lol. Talent you’re proud of having? One that warrants pride, exactly? Not just random talents? Well, uhhh. I suppose writing. I mean it modestly, I really do, but as a kid, my teachers all the way through high school always thought I was cheating or a parent did my papers at home. Some were only convinced by me writing in the classroom. I don't feel as good about my writing as I did in high school, but I am sill proud of excelling in it and taking writing anywhere seriously. If you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? I mean, name the game and genre here. Probably like "what the fuck" at like, everything, because I already do that. If you were an anime character, what genre of anime would it be? Like, based on my current life? I dunno. A sad and repetitive one with some bright days to it. Ohhh, and the color scheme and lighting vary with my mental state. Yo that would be dope. Character you relate to? lmao THRALL from WoW for being like "can y'all bastards just chill tf out" until he goes off to an isolated land away from civilization bc he's seen enough shit. Also compelled to help. Any good luck charms? I don't believe in those. Least favorite flavor of food or drink? As far as consistent flavors go, normally cherry or grape. Left or right handed? I'm a righty. Favorite potato food? Fries, when I wish they weren't. Earth tones or jewel tones? Jewel. How many phone numbers do you have memorized? Literally just Mom's. Not even mine.

[gemayberry]

Noble Mages Teaser Post 8: Character Q & A

We've spent the last 3 and a half weeks talking about magic and all it's uses, but there is nothing else to say on the topic. With one last teaser post promised, I turned to my beta reader on discord and asked him to come up with 3 questions for each of the main characters. He sent me some real brain teasers. I've dug deep into my creative mind to bring you these answers.

Q. What is watching death in your own experience like? Is there a uniqueness to every death or do you feel they are more or less similar? Why?

Lettie:Lettie sits in silence for a moment, the only sound is the steady drum beat on her legs, bum bum bum-bum bum bum bum-bum. Death...it's this... horrible thing. It doesn't matter who is dying, whether they are friends or enemies, whether they are trying to kill you or save you, none of that matters. Every life that is taken from this world... we are all important to someone. Someone loves us, someone is going to miss us when we are gone. To be there for that moment, when a light blinks out of this world, it's the same every time. It doesn't get any easier. And I know that sometimes people have to die so that others may live, I will always fight to protect those I care for, even if it means killing my enemies, but when that light blinks out, they're no longer my enemy. They are someones friend, their lover, their father, their son. They have loved ones who will miss them, who will wonder how they died, why they died. It never gets easier, and that's a good thing. Because if killing was ever easy, then what would stop us from killing each other?

Q. With the concept of death in the discussion, what of life? Is life the most important stage of existence?

Lettie:The Goddess teaches us that all stages of life are important, and that death is not the end, but rather the start of a new adventure. I grew up being told this, but I find it difficult to comprehend when faced with death. Lettie pauses for a moment, seemingly lost in thought. I suppose, in the end, the teachings are true. Reincarnation means that death is but the start of a new life, but are you still the same person? If you take away someones memories, their experiences, are they still the same person you know and love? I don't know. All I know is that this life is what we have. Take that away, and what's left?

Q. What do you find is difficult about life? Does anything bore you?

Lettie:I found life to be the most simple before setting out on an adventure with my sister and Hyam. It was...peaceful. In the end it was my decision to leave, I knew that the village wasn't where we were meant to be, and with our parents gone, there was nothing left to hold us there. Sometimes, when I think about everything that has happened in the last few weeks since leaving the village, I wonder if I would have made a different choice. To answer your question, for the average person life is quite simple. You get up, you greet your family, you do your chores, and you spend time with your friends. It's all so mundane. I sometimes wish I could go back to that, but I know that life is not for me. I was not meant for an easy life, and after all that I've been through, I don't think I could ever go back even if I wanted to. Life is most difficult when you have no control over it.

Q. In the heat of battle lots of things can happen at once. What is the most surprising thing that has ever happened in combat for you? Why?

Alyson: That would be the day I discovered my fire magic. It was a lot like discovering my earth magic but was activated very differently. The blinding rage I felt when I thought I had lost my sister, it brought out this primal force inside of me. I'm ashamed to admit it but... I lost control. It scared me that this power was hiding inside of me, waiting for me to lose control before coming out.

Q. The odds stacked against you and your allies, with inevitable defeat on the horizon, do you surrender and fight another day, or die a hero?

Alyson:I think that depends on the situation. Hyam has been teaching me the basics of tactics while we travel and if you have allies who will come to your rescue, then it's better to surrender than to die, but if nobody is going to come and rescue you then surrender is about as bad an option as there is, because they will likely kill you but only after they've extracted everything you know from your mind.

Q. Do you believe the love of one's family can defeat hate? Why or why not?

Alyson:Family is the most important thing in the world, and it can absolutely defeat hate. I have to believe that, otherwise what is the point of it all? And it's not just the family your born with. I love my sister absolutely, but I don't know where I would be without Hyam. He's the big brother I never knew I needed. We may not have been born family, but he is every bit the family that my sister, my mother, and my father are. As long as Hyam and Lettie are at my side, there's absolutely nothing we can't do.

Q. What aspect of spiritual magic is your favorite? Why?

Hyam:That would have to be the ability to summon the spirits of animals to enhance yourself or others. It's not an ability I use often in combat, as I have more powerful combat magic, but when I was growing up I would use it to enhance my speed and run around the palace at speeds that left me little more than a blur to the people watching. Or I might take up enhanced hearing and listen to people from far away. Once I even used it to take on the camouflage of a chameleon so I sneak around undetected.

Q. What are some limiting factors concerning how powerful a mage can be? Are these factors simple limiters that can be broken, or are they permanent barriers?

Hyam:There are both limiters and permanent barriers to how powerful a mage can become. It's rare for a self-taught mage to become as powerful as a natural mage because a natural mage is born with a much larger mana pool. It's like two people racing a 10 km race and one of them is given a 5km headstart. Each of the elements is only capable of so much power on it's own, and once you've reached that limit of power there's nowhere else to go. Beyond that, the only thing limiting any mage is their own will and creativity. You can do a lot with a little if you just open your mind to it.

Q. What connects you to the world in a unique way?

Hyam:I wandered the world for years after leaving my home. I was truly lost during those years, there was no one and nothing holding me to this world. When I met Alyson and Lettie, I think that's when my life truly began. I went to Lisedan because I had heard rumor of a reclusive prophet and I was hoping to find some purpose in life, a destiny perhaps. What I found was even more important, I found a family. You want to know what connects me to the world? They do. Alyson and Lettie.

Well folks, that's it. I promised two teaser posts a week for the entire month and this is the last one. Twin Mages (Life Mage Trilogy, Book 1) will be released on February 8th, 2020. Just 9 days to go.

The image for todays post is fanart created by one of my beta readers, BillyFlynt, on Discord. It depicts Hyam talking to Alyson and Lettie about golems.

Website: https://noblemages.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/gemayberry

Pillowfort: https://www.pillowfort.social/GEMayberry

[ariainstars]

Why I Don’t Want to Reproduce

Warning: This is a very personal entry.

My two cents on the subject, since lately I’ve repeatedly come across words like “birth strike” and “antinatalism”. 

I do not dislike children. And they don’t dislike me. When I was a child myself, smaller ones always came to me instinctively. I am not a career woman who will give anything up for success. I do not hate household chores and I do not share the opinion that a woman who likes tending her home is a “silly victim, abused by that ass of her husband”.

I am a family person with a strong desire for belonging and good, solid relationships. My upbringing was rather conservative, but not in a repressive way. Until I was about 30, I always thought as a matter of course that I would have a husband and children, since that seemed the natural thing to do.

My parents separated when I was 11. To my mother, the aim of her life became taking revenge on her ex husband respectively proving him wrong and showing him how much better off she was with him.

In my opinion my parents never ought to have got married and have a child. They both were born during war time in Europe and both their fathers were violent men who raised their children like they were soldiers. At the time they got married, both were traumatized and marriage was an escape for them to a seemingly better future. Needless to say, their marriage didn’t go well. They were rather good parents as long as I was small, but when I started to think on my own and to wish to make own decisions things quickly went downhill.

Having a German mother and an Italian father, I was raised bilingual. I always was good at writing and memorizing new words. But for some reason or another, despite all their differences my parents both were separately of the opinion that I would never be good enough for anything than a menial office job. So I learned languages and that is the field I’ve worked in for over 20 years now.

During the separation, my mother practically kidnapped me to her home country and blackmailed me to stay although I detested it. (“You can’t do this to me, after all your father did.”) So now I was responsible for what he had done. Knowing her, I guess what he “did to her” was having a free will and a dignity of his own.

Not only did I spend my youth in a place and with people I detested and whose mentality until today I find utterly repulsive (selfish, mean and vulgar), I also became the waste bin for her frustrations: job life, family, friends, search for a new partner. It seemed there was nothing that wasn’t loaded with problems for her. I found out only many years later that she has a huge personality disorder and that there was nothing I could have done to help her. No therapist or “expert” ever told me that. Other “adults” usually blamed me for being an ungrateful daughter if I complained - they probably were glad to have found a fool on whom to load that woman’s crises and hysterics. My father shut himself in and was silent as a grave. Not one word, even when that woman was about to drive me out of my mind. (Except for, “You’ve grown so fat.”)

It was by sheer good luck and the help of a few good friends that I could escape that life and move 800 km away from that woman, and also could break contact once the pressure she exercised on me became unbearable. Nothing could shake her conviction that I and her ex husband were conniving against her. She spied on me and spoke behind my back with family and friends to control me better. At last she was firmly convinced that I am “mentally sick” and that only she, aided by a professional, could save me from myself.

I came away “only” with a few traumata, which weigh on me until today. I know of other people in similar situations who weren’t that lucky. I have heard of victims of emotional abuse who committed suicide or had to struggle with their shattered lives and broken feelings all of their lives.

But despite all of their differences, for some reason or another, both my parents separately told me (directly or through others) that they expected me to get married and have three children.

I have weak tissue and if I had had only one child I probably would have ruined my health for good. Not to speak of my nerves (which are shattered enough), my free time, my figure and my economic situation.

I have seen my cousin’s children: nothing is too good for them. They are sent to the best schools and universities and showered with love and praise. Grandparenting really seems great.

After what I went through, I was supposed to wreck my life for good to watch my parents giving my children all they would not give me. Was I really supposed to marry the next best guy and go through the ordeal of pregnancy, the trauma of childbirth and the exhaustion of the first years of having to look after small children, only so they could finally have the “perfect little plaything” they always wanted? Why, thank you.

I lived the way they wanted, tried my best to be a good girl, to have good marks, not get sick, do nothing that would cause worries or disappointments to them, I have the job they wanted for me. I hardly ever dared ask anything for myself because I knew they would ridicule me. They always called me dumb or selfish if I wanted something that was contrary to their plans.

And then it was like, “When will you FINALLY do your duty to us? We want grandchildren, because YOU never were good enough for our expectations.”

When I annoyed her, my mother sometimes said things like, “I hope you will soon have children of your own, so you will see how I’ve sufferd because of you.” When I was over twenty and single, she sometimes practically forced dates on me and then said I couldn’t cry off because it would be impolite towards the guy. She never spoke with me about birth control. Not once. During one of these “dates” the guy forced a kiss on me; I went home feeling disgusted and that’s what I also answered on mommy dearest’s questioning “How did it go?” I learned about a year later that she had actually thought the guy had seduced me more or less willingly. In other words, some random guy can actually rape her daughter and she won’t comment it with a word. Knowing her manipulative ways, she probably hoped I would get pregnant as soon as possible so she would become a grandmother. If the guy didn’t marry me, the better; I would have become dependent on her and never managed to leave her and that awful place behind.

My father had a similar attitude, except he is more conservative and would have expected me to marry before I began with the long-desired reproduction.

Well excuse me, but they can f*** off.

I understand all of the worries about environmental problems coming from the fact that too many children are born nowadays, and that industrial life is cluttering up the only planet human beings can live on. Those are good enough reasons for not having children. I won’t have any for my own reasons. I hope that point of view is understandable.

Of course, I could have had children with the excuse that I would be a better mother to them. But how was I to ensure that, pray? By doing the opposite of what my parents did? Is that a solution? An uncle of mine raised his daughter on exactly the contrary of his own upbringing: a more selfish, mean, shameless brat I have never met in my life.

I don’t feel up to it. I know that I would not be a good mother with all of the shit I’m still carrying around. Thank God I am married to a man who is not keen on children of his own either.

I am not selfish, shallow and self-absorbed because I don’t want to be a mother. I just am sick of being trod upon and used for other people’s needs, regardless of my own. 

Have a nice day, whether you have children or will have some one day. Or not.

[peachypeaxh]

Do you have a favourite celebrity chef? No.

Do you prefer diamonds or pearls? Diamonds.

Who is your favourite online friend? Since I moved 850 km away...all my friends are online

What is your favourite nail polish colour to wear or see on others? Hmmmm..I like red

What was the last thing you learned? I learned that I am capable of anything thank you

How warm do you like your showers/baths to be? Boiling water

In your opinion, what is the scariest natural disaster? People

Which meal of the day is your favourite to eat out for? Breakfast

Is your username the same for every website? Yeess..that way I'll never forget

Do you set your browser to remember passwords? Yes

What was the last thing you made yourself to eat? Bolognese

What is something most people find ugly that you find cute? Very long nails with glitter, nail art etc

What type of food do you find yourself craving most? (Sweet, meat, etc) fries and gummy bears

Did you get carded the last time you ordered an alcoholic drink? No.

Where is your significant other right now? (if you have one) I'm assuming he's asleep

Do you currently have a tan? No

Who was the last person you said "I love you" to? Husband

Have you been to more funerals than weddings? Or vice versa? More weddings.

What was the last thing that frightened you? My very sick father getting covid in hospital..someone from stuff infected him

How many siblings does your mom have? 5..2 of them have passed

Do you use real bait of fake bait when fishing? I don't go fishing..never did, never will

Do you usually cook your own meals, or does someone cook for you? I cook for me and my family

If someone cooks for you, do you always thank them for it? Ofc..

What is the most hated item you own? My expensive lingerie

What is your most favourite item you own out of all the items you have? My phone and my bathrobe lol

So, do you think that you will get where you want in life currently? I DO!

What is your favorite time of the day? Morning

When was the last time you had pizza? Uh.. months ago

Have you ever known anyone that’s gone missing? Thankfully,no

Do you have to pee often? Not really.. sometimes it worries me

Do you live near a pet store? No

What does the sound you currently hear remind you of? I'm in complete silence

If there are bruises on your body, how did you get them? I don't think I have any

Where did you kiss the last person you kissed? In the airport

How do you feel about forehead kisses? cute until you have oily skin

When do you make wishes? Daily ahahha

If you ever had the chance, would you eat a frog? NO.

Do you collect anything obscene or unusual? If yes, what do you collect? No..i dont collect anything

If you were ever granted one single wish, what would you wish for? For my son to be happy his whole life

What’s the luckiest thing that’s ever happened to you? Hmmm idk really

What’s the weirdest pet name you’ve ever heard? Banana for a dog

What do you want written on your gravestone? I don't know.. I'm 24 I don't think about gravestones

Describe yourself with a song title? Born this way came to my mind

Do you have lots of floor space in your bedroom? NOOOOOOO

What happened in the last dream you had? I had a dream that my ear wsd infected and my upcoming surgery could not be preformed

Are you stubborn? Sometimes,yes

If you could forget about one memory that you have, what would it be? Memory of my high school experience

Your favourite tweet ever made by your favourite celebrity? I don't have a favorite

My favorite question: Do you like Aerosmith? Not really.

Have you ever been on a gondola lift? No.

Do you know anyone who’s been on TV? If so, which show? I don't think so

When you see a pinecone, do you kick it, step on it, or leave it alone? I leave it alone.

Have you ever had pie smashed in your face? No.

Do you have any lockets with pictures inside? No.

Have you ever been used as a 'rebound’? How did it go? No.

What is your favorite joint to crack? Hahaha my thumb joint

Would you rather babysit someone weekly or tutor them weekly? Idk I could do both

What is the weirdest animal you’ve ever held? That bug that looks like a wooden stick

Have you ever tried any drugs? If so, did you regret it? If you think of a weed as a drug, than yes. I don't regret it

When ordering food, what do you usually get as a drink? Water or wine

When drawing something, do you try to be super precise or do you not care? I really really do not care

How many languages do you know how to say ‘happy birthday’ in? 3

If you could fly, what kind of wings would you have? Like an angel but with glitter hahaha

Who was the name of your first crush? Daniel. He was my religion teacher in first grade lolololo

How long ago was that? 18 years ago

Do you still know that person? No

Do you know anyone who faints at the sight of blood? No

Now what is your favorite flavor of lollipop? Strawberry.

Would you care if your child was gay? I would. Not in a negative way tho. I would be afraid of him being bullied and sad and depressed

Do you prefer to be barefoot or wear socks? Barefoot.

Is there a TV show that you watch everyday? No.

Do you wish you could call the police on the police? I don't know if that's possible

If you had a child with Down’s Syndrome, would you keep him/her? Yes

If someone tried to murder your child, do you think it would be wrong to expose them publicly and talk about it on social media? Wtff? No it would be very needed. But I would also kind of hide it so no one could connect me to his disappearing

What would you do if your Bible was falling apart? I don't own a Bible, so I don't care.

Do you want Jesus to come back soon? Ermm no thanks

What is something you can’t wear because of your body type? High heels

What is the curviest part of your body? Hips

Have you ever worn matching pajamas with someone? No

Who’s the most narcissistic person you know? My dad

Who gives the best hugs? My babyyy

What’s your favorite cheese or cheese flavored food? Hm. let's say pizza

Have you ever been to a concert that got out of control? No..I have never been to concert

What’s the last thing you watched on TV? Shitty reality show

What’s your favorite filling in chocolates? Cranberry and orange

Would you ever eat rhino meat? No way

Have you ever done something sexual that you regret? No

Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret? Yes

Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance? Not really tbh... maybe sometimes

What are the names of all the people you have dated? No thanks

Are you going to be getting any new pets soon? No

Can you do a twirl like a ballerina? I have never tried, but probably no

When you party, do you get wild? Not really

[kpo-pedits]

GIRLS GENERATION 2017 UPDATED PROFILE!

SNSD (Girl’s Generation) currently consists of 8 members: Taeyeon, Tiffany, Yuri, Hyoyeon, Sooyoung, Sunny, Yoona and Seohyun. Jessica left the group in 2014. SNSD debuted  in  2007, under S.M. Entertainment.

Girls’ Generation Fandom Name: S♥NE (So-One) Girls’ Generation Official Fan Color: Pearl Pink

Girls’ Generation Official Accounts: Twitter: @girlsgeneration Official Website: girlsgeneration.smtown Youtube: Girls’ Generation

Girls Generation Members Profile:

Taeyeon

Stage Name: Taeyeon Birth Name: Kim Tae Yeon Position: Leader, Main Vocalist Birth Date: March 9, 1989 Zodiac sign: Pisces Birth Place: Jeonju, North Jeolla, South Korea Height: 158cm (5’2″) Weight: 45 kg (99 lbs) Blood Type: O Hobbies: Watching movies, listening to music Specialty: Chinese, Singing Instagram: @taeyeon_ss

Taeyeon facts: – She was born in Jeonju, North Jeolla, South Korea. – She has an older brother, Kim Jiwoong, and a sister, Kim Haeyeon. – She was cast in 2004 SM 8th Annual Best Contest (Best Singer 1st Place Grand Award). – Her nicknames are: Taeng, Taengoo (Taeng9), Tete, Kid Leader, ByunTaeng (pervert Taeng), JumTaeng – Her music talent comes from her parents. Her dad was a vocalist in a band and her mom had won children’s song competitions when she was young. – Taeyeon used to travel from Seoul to her home almost everyday on her trainee days. – Although she’s the eldest among members, she acts like a maknae. – She is short-sighted so she wears contact lens. – Sometimes she sleepwalk. – She is really scary when she is angry. – Sunny and Sooyong voted Taeyeon to the be the most popular among the members. – She has dated Baekhyun from EXO. – She was cast in We Got Married. Her husband in WGM was Jung Hyung Don (Weekly Idol’s MC). – Since April 2012 she is part of the subgroup “TTS” together with band members Tiffany and Seohyun. – On October 2015, she released the album “I”, making Taeyeon the first Girls’ Generation member to have a solo debut. – Taeyeon’s ideal type: “Wouldn’t the most basic factor be the guy’s pretty smile? To make their smile shine, it would be nice to have a guy with a clear white skin and red lips. I wish their style would look natural no matter the location or time.”

Sunny

Stage Name: Sunny (써니) Birth Name: Lee Soon Kyu (이순규) Position: Lead Vocalist Birth Date: May 15, 1989 Zodiac sign: Taurus Birthplace: Los Angeles, California, USA Height: 155 cm (5’1″) Weight: 44 kg (97 lbs) Blood Type: B Hobbies: Listening to music, shopping Specialty: Sports Instagram: @515sunnyday Twitter: @sunnyday515

Sunny facts: – She was born on Los Angeles, California, USA, and later moved to Kuwait. But, then her family moved back to South Korea because of the Gulf War. – She has 2 older sisters (Lee Eun-kyu, Lee Jin-kyu). – Sunny shares the same Birthday with her two sisters, all three of them were born on May 15 (different years though). – Her uncle is Lee Soo-Man (SM Entertainment’s president). – She joined Starlight Entertainment (one of SM Academy) in 1998 and trained for five years before becoming a part of Sugar, but the duo never debuted and disbanded. – In 2007 she became a trainee of SM Entertainment and debuted with SNSD after a few months of training. – Her nicknames are: Soonkyu, DJ Soon, Ssun, Sunny Bunny, Choi Danshin (the shortest). – She had a grade of 97.5 in getting her drivers license. – Sunny and Taeyeon were called “the short duo”. – Sunny hates red bean paste, so whenever they eat bungobbang (type of bread/cake with red bean in the middle), she only eats the head and the tail (parts without too much red bean paste) and gives the rest to Taeyeon who LOVES red bean paste. – She has phobia of fireworks explosion. – She acted in several musical theaters, like “Singin’ in the rain”, “Catch me if you can” in Korea and Japan. –Sunny’s ideal type: “He has to be generous. I wish he is really kind and friendly to elders and children. Wouldn’t a guy like that have good manners with me too?”

Tiffany

Stage Name: Tiffany(티파니) Birth Name: Stephanie Hwang (스테파니 황) Korean Name: Hwang Mi Young (황미영) Position: Lead Vocalist, Rapper Birth Date: August 1, 1989 Zodiac sign: Leo Birth Place: San Francisco, California, USA Height: 163 cm (5’4″) Weight: 51 kg (112 lbs) Blood Type: O Hobbies: Watching movies, listening to music Specialty: English, flute Instagram: @xolovestephi

Tiffany facts: – She was born in San Francisco, California, USA. – She has an older sister named Michelle and an older brother named Leo. – She was cast during 2004 SM Casting System; 2004 CJ/KMTV (USA-LA) Contest 1st Place – Her nicknames are: Fany, DdilFany (clumsy Fany), AjumNy, Mushroom, T-Manager / Manager Hwang, Myong, Jackson Hwang – Fany is best known for her eye smile. – She’s very competitive and hates to lose. – Tiffany used to speak Korean with American accent. – Seohyun said that Fany’s voice is very loud, that if she were to get into fight on the 1st floor, the 6th floor could probably hear. – She hates bugs. – Tiffany can play the flute. – She was in a relationship with 2PM’s Nichkhun. – Since April 2012 she is part of the subgroup “TTS” together with band members Taeyeon and Seohyun. – On May 2016 she released the album “I Just Wanna Dance”, which made Tiffany become the second Girls’ Generation member to have a solo debut. – Tiffany’s ideal type: “Appearance and personality is important, but I wish my guy would have a sense of responsibility. Someone who I can trust that’s not too easy, but not too pressuring either. Is my qualification too difficult to understand?”

Hyoyeon

Stage Name: Hyoyeon (효연) Birth Name: Kim Hyo Yeon (김효연) Position: Main Dancer, Main Rapper, Vocalist Birth Date: September 22, 1989 Zodiac sign: Virgo Birth Place: Incheon, South Korea Height: 160 cm (5’3″) Weight: 49 kg (108 lbs) Blood Type: AB Hobbies: Watching movies, listening to music Specialty: Chinese, dance Instagram: @watasiwahyo

Hyoyeon facts: – She was born in Incheon, South Korea. – She has a younger brother, named Kim Min Gu. – Hyoyeon auditioned for S.M. Entertainment at the age of 11 through SM 2000 Casting System. – Her nicknames are: Hyoraengi (pun: tiger), Kim-choding (elementary school-kid Kim), Kim Yeolsal (10-year-old Kim), Fiona – Usually wakes up the members but often gets scolded by them in their sleep (especially Tiffany and Yoona but they always apologize when they are actually awake..:D) – She’s very interested in fashion. She admires a lot the fashionista Jennifer Lopez. – Can memorize a dance move/routine by just watching it once or twice. – She has learned jazz, ballet, hip-hop, belly dancing, popping and locking. – In 2004, along with Super Junior’s Siwon, she was sent to study Chinese in Beijing. – Before debuting with Girls’ Generation, she worked with Janet Jackson and was BoA’s silhouette dancer during a performance at M.net KM Music Festival 2005. – In December 2016, she released her first solo song, titled “Mystery” (via SM Station). –Hyoyeon’s ideal type: “I want a guy without double eyelids. A smile with corners of lips lifted up would be nice. Sometimes, it wouldn’t be bad to have him lift up the atmosphere with his clumsiness. A good common sense is a must too.”

Yuri

Stage Name: Yuri (유리) Birth Name: Kwon Yu Ri (권유리) Position: Lead Dancer, Lead Rapper, Vocalist Birth Date: December 5, 1989 Zodiac sign: Sagittarius Birth Place: Goyang, Gyeonggi, South Korea Height: 166 cm (5’5″) Weight: 46 kg (101 lbs) Blood Type: AB Hobbies: Studying, swimming, exercising Specialty: Chinese, swimming, dancing, acting Instagram: @yulyulk

Yuri facts: – She was born in Goyang, Gyeonggi, South Korea. – She has an older brother, named Kwon Hyuk-jun. – She was cast during 2001 SM 1st Annual Youth Best Contest (Best Dancer, 2nd Place). – Among her nicknames are “Black Pearl” and “Cola”, both referring to her unique personality and her tanned skin. – Though Yuri is one of the lead dancers, she said that she’s the one that is the slowest in learning new moves… – Sunny and Yuri are the ones who get the choreography wrong most of the time. – Yuri is known as a member that has husky voice among the SNSD members. – Yuri has the best body in SNSD. – She is SNSD’s biggest prankster. – Yuri collects Mickey Mouse items. She also likes anime/manga Crayon Shinchan. – She appeared in several dramas, like: “Unstoppable Marriage” (2007), “Fashion King” (2012), “Kill Me, Heal Me” (2015), “Local Hero” (2016), “Gogh, The Starry Night” (2016), “Defendant” (2017). – On August 28, 2016, Yuri and Seohyun released a song via SM Station, titled “Secret”. –Yuri’s ideal type: “I wish he is really affectionate. A guy that shows his warmth even when you’re just looking at him. I can’t say that he’s a good guy if he’s fussy or sharp.”

Sooyoung

Stage Name: Sooyoung (수영) Birth Name: Choi Soo Young (최수영) Position: Lead Dancer, Lead Rapper, Vocalist Birth Date: February 10, 1990 Zodiac sign: Aquarius Birth Place: Gwangju, Gyeonggi, South Korea Height: 170 cm (5’7″) Weight: 49 kg (108 lbs) Blood Type: O Hobbies: Watching movies, listening to music, dancing Specialty: Japanese Instagram: @hotsootuff

Sooyoung facts: – She was born in Gwangju, Gyeonggi, South Korea. – She has an older sister, named Soojin (Choi Soo-jin, who is a musical theater actress). – Cast: 2000 SM Open Audition | 2002 Korea-Japan Ultra Idol Duo Audition – She was a part of the short-lived Korean-Japanese singing duo (together with Marina Takahashi), named Route θ, during 2002 in Japan. – Her nicknames are Shik shin, NaSoo (interrupter), DJ Syoung – She can play the piano. – Sooyoung is fluent in Japanese. – She feels that she is not beautiful and that only ahjussi-fans like her. – She is the biggest eater of SNSD. – She likes spicy cabbages. – She is a huge fan of baseball. – Despite her tough image, Sooyoung is said to be the one who cries most easily. – “Sooyoung” literally means “swimming” in Korean. – She appeared in several dramas like: “Unstoppable Marriage” (2007). “Oh! My Lady” (2010), “Gentleman’s Dignity” (ep.5-2012), “The 3rd Hospital” (2012), “Dating Agency: Cyrano” (2013), “The Spring Day of My Life” (2014), “38 Task Force” (2016), “Polyclinic Doctor” (2016). – She has a relationship with actor Jung Kyung Ho. – Sooyong’s ideal type: “I wish he would be passionate in whatever he does. If he has passion, then he’ll know what real love is and how to value his girl. Of course, humor and courtesy is a basic factor.”

Yoona

Stage Name: Yoona (윤아) Birth Name: Im Yoon-A (임윤아) Position: Lead Dancer, Lead Rapper, Vocalist, Visual Birth Date: May 30, 1990 Zodiac sign: Gemini Birth Place: Seoul, South Korea Height: 167 cm (5’6″) Weight: 48 kg (106 lbs) Blood Type: B Hobbies: Watching movies Specialty: Dancing, acting Instagram: @yoona__lim

Yoona facts: – She was born in Seoul, South Korea. – She has an older sister. – She was cast during 2002 SM Saturday Open Casting Audition. – Her nicknames are: Yoong, Saseumi (deer), Him Yoona (strong Yoona), Im-choding (elementary school-kid Im), Saebyuk, Alligator Yoong – She speaks Korean (Fluent), English, Chinese (Basic), Japanese (Basic). – She’s a part of Soshi dance trio. – Yoona loves to eat cereal before bed. – She’s SNSD’s second biggest eater after Sooyoung. – She mentioned that her ideal type is Daniel Henney. Once she got a sweet hug from him. – She has the most fans among male celebs. – Her favorite season is winter. – She doesn’t know how to swim. – Yoona likes to play bowling. – She enjoys cooking and said she would have become a chef if she wasn’t a singer. – Yoona claimed that she has more confidence in dancing and acting rather than singing. – She appeared in several dramas such as: “Two Outs in the Ninth Inning” (2007), “Park Jung Kum, Heavenly Beauty” (2008), “You Are My Destiny”, “Cinderella Man” (2009), “Love Rain” (2012), “Prime Minister & I” (2013), “Because It’s The First Time” (2015), “The K2” (2016), “King Loves” (2017). – She had a relationship with actor Lee Seung-gi. – YoonA ideal type: “When you say ‘good guy’, I think of my dad. He never lost his calmness in any situation and comforted people considerately. Can I expect that kind of ‘consideration’ from the world’s best guy?”

Seohyun

Stage Name: Seohyun (서현) Birth Name: Seo Joo Hyun (서주현) Position: Lead Vocalist, Maknae Birth Date: June 28, 1991 Zodiac sign: Cancer Birth Place: Seoul, South Korea Height: 168 cm (5’6″) Weight: 49 kg (108 lbs) Blood Type: A Hobbies: Listening to music Specialty: Chinese, piano Instagram: @seojuhyun_s Twitter: @sjhsjh0628

Seohyun facts: – She was born in Seoul, South Korea. – She doesn’t have siblings. – She was cast during 2003 SM Casting System. – Her nicknames are: Maknae (the youngest one), Seobaby, Seororo, Hyun, Joohyun – She hates hamburgers. – She loves eating Goguma (Sweet potatoes). – She is the second tallest in the group (1st is Sooyoung). – She usually commits mistakes during performances. – She said her ideal man is Johnny Depp. – She loves the manga / dorama Nodame Cantabile. – Seohyun hates unhealthy foods. – She was cast in We Got Married. Her husband in WGM was CN Blue’s leader Jung Yonghwa, they were given the nickname “Sweet Potato Couple”. – Seohyun went to the same high-school with Yoona (Daeyeong High School) but then she transferred to Taeyeon’s alma mater, Jeonju Arts High School, and graduated there. Then she started attending Dongguk University’s Department of Art along with Yoona. – She appeared in dramas like: “Unstoppable Marriage” (2007), “Passionate Love” (2012), “The Producers” (ep.1), “Warm and Cozy” (2015), “Moon Lovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo”, “Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok-Joo” (2016). – She also acted in musicals such as: “Moon Embracing the Sun” (2014), “Gone with the Wind” (2015). – Since April 2012 she is part of the subgroup “TTS” together with band members Taeyeon and Tiffany. – On August 28, 2016, Seohyun and Yuri released a song via SM Station, titled “Secret”. – On January 2017, Seohyun became the 3th member to release a solo album, with her debut extended play titled “Don’t Say No”. – Seohyun’s ideal type: “Courtesy is the most important factor. I wish he was a guy who can understand from the opposite point of view, and someone who I can always interact with a smile. Seeing a guy like him will probably make me feel better as well.”

Jessica (ex- member)

Stage Name: Jessica (제시카) Birth Name: Jessica Jung (제시카 정) Korean Name: Jung Soo-yeon (정수연) Position: Main Vocalist Birth Date: April 18, 1989 Zodiac sign: Aries Birth Place: San Francisco, California, USA Height: 162 cm ( 5 ft 3¾ in) Weight: 46 kg (101 lbs) Blood Type: B Hobbies: Watching movies, shopping, listening to music Specialty: English, piano, singing Instagram: @jessica.syj

Jessica facts: – She was born in San Francisco, California, USA. – She has a sister, Krystal from f(x). – She was cast during 2000 SM Casting System. – Her nicknames are: Ice Princess, Sergeant Sic, and Sica-sama because of the cold vibe she has. – Jessica cries when she is angry. – When she is scared, she starts to make dolphin sounds and kicks anything at sight. – She is dreadful when it comes to cooking. – She speaks English fluently. –Jessica’s ideal type: “I want a guy who gives comfort right from their first impression. Like a person who you feel like you have known them for a long time. My heart moves towards a guy who is considerate and has humor and wit whenever we see each other to not have any uncomfortable moments.”

[denadigalaksi]

You Soul is A River

The Cosmos

People always want to be the light to each other. Instead aspire to be each other’s darkness as much as the light. Be the thing that helps the other shine. Be the thing that shines in the dark. But be these things to each other in turn. - Balance

And the sun does not shine because someone else wants it to. It shines because that is what it was born to do. - You are the sun

We have calcium in our bones, iron in our veins, carbon in our souls, and nitrogen in our brains. 93 percent stardust, with souls made of flames, we are all just stars that have people names. -  93% stardust

People often talk about reaching for the stars, but it is the stars whose light travels billions of light years away to reach us. Never be afraid of asking for help. Even the stars do. Not a single star in the night sky is one, they are binary, which means their light comes from two - two souls shining as one to create each individual tiny light you see before you. - Lesson from The Night Sky

Even shooting stars must fall to learn how to soar.

You cannot predict what is in someone’s heart. Stars always shine brightest seconds before they fall apart. - Star Shine Brightness

The day you left, I realized you were a rogue planet. That you didn’t orbit around anyone or anything. That you had no solar system and you found your way into mine, into my orbit, to stay with me for just for a little while. I couldn’t keep you. You weren’t meant to be a part of me. Our love was like the sun, ninety-nine percent of this solar system, but not nearly enough to keep you. Some things are more beautiful because they don’t belong to anyone or anything. - Rogue Planet

A sky that has held the worst of storms but never forgotten to let the sun shine through.

The distance between the sun and the earth is 149.6 million km. The distance between your heart and mine is seventeen inches. Yet somehow, the sun feels closer to me in this moment than you. - In This Room

Not wishing (star). never wishing on them for you because now I know those wishes don’t come true. You cannot control other people’s lives with your wishes and destinies are not mapped in a black velvet sky sprinkled with diamonds, even if it is the most beautiful thing you have ever seen. The stars do not bring people back. No matter how much you miss them or need them. No one tells you that hope can sometimes be a dead thing. Just like no one ever tells you that you are wishing upon dead stars. - I Stopped Wishing on Star

My mother warned me, that good people are like the stars, few and far between. My father reminded me, that there are so many stars which I have not yet seen. - Parental Advice

Fire

When a wildfire comes to devastate you instead of just surviving it, you learned to grow in ashes.

How do you go back to being strangers with someone who has seen your soul?

You have grown so much because you have quietly realized you aren’t just teardrops. You are an ocean.

And then, she reminded me “There may be darkness within this world. But inside us the light burns brighter than you could ever know.

The Storm

If they truly love you, they will love you when you are an ocean breeze, but also when you are a summer storm. You were not made to be loved in parts, you were meant to be loved as a whole.

For even the ocean must let go of the hurricane in the end, though she knows she will never see him again.

Some people are born with tornado in their lives, but constellations in their eyes. Other people are born with stars at their feet, but their souls are lost at sea.

After you left, She took her lessons From the wind. You knew her as an ocean breeze. Now, Know her as a hurricane.

So when someone tries to take control of what is yours, remind them that storms are controlled by no one, and then show them how you are so much more than a storm.

You have always reminded me of a hurricane. But not because you are beautiful, or a force of nature, but because hurricanes are thieves.They breathe in at the ocean’s surface, drawing from her life force, taking from her soul, before disappearing into oblivion to cause destruction, devastation. And just like you, they never ever return.

This world has gone dark more times than you or your mother or her mother can remember. And every hurricane that was meant to be the end of it all has instead ended in sunshine again. So believe me when I say: You will survive this. And the next one too.

Ache

If you hate the sun for shining on the day you lose the warmest things you have ever loved, remember how even the earth will lose the warmth of the sun one day, but unlike you, will not survive the loss. If they walk out a door that you opened, you are still allowed to grieve for the life you lost with them. But whatever you do, never forget why you opened it in the first place. And never forget to close that door, once they have walked out. Some loves do not have the right soil for roses to grow. Even you have not been permanent to people.

Some people survive chaos and that is how they grow. And some people thrive in chaos, because chaos is all they know.

This is how your grief will look at you: In the seconds after it happens, you feel the world turning on its head and you’re still standing upright, face forwards, when everything seems to have reversed and slowed down. Your mind insists that you have not changed, the world has. Your heart insists that the world doesn’t exist, only you do. Both are trying to convince you, that you have not become forlorn, the world is just broken. But your mind is lying and so is your heart. Four days after you have picked yourself up from the floor where you have been since it happened,  your mother has already visited twice and said, “Listen, things will get better. You just have to let them,” and  “We can help you,” and “Please.” Words seem hollow, but you feel more hollow than any words, hearing the way they echo and disappear inside you. A week after you have forgotten to sleep, forgotten to dream, forgotten how to communicate in the way those around you still can. You wonder what breathing without your heart breaking looks like. You wonder what words without the taste of death feel like. You wonder what the universe is trying to tell you through all this. But you never ever wonder if things get better. Because you are sure they never do.

When you love someone, promise me you will not love them like they are a war and you are the thing that will help them win. Promise me, you will not hunt down their flaws like enemies in a battlefield to kill them. People were not made to be saved by you or anyone else. All we can hope for in this life is a chance to be able to save ourselves.

The Sea, The Rive, The Oceans

The thing is, you can’t save people from themselves because they will just grab hold of you like you are a lifeline, you will both go under and neither of you will emerge. There is only one way to save someone from drowning and that is to teach them how to swim.

Some people grow entire oceans inside themselves instead of hearts. It’s why they have more love to give than anyone can ever return. It’s why they awaken sometimes to heartache and tear soaked pillows. Sometimes it is a blessing to love something so much more than you love yourself. Sometimes it is a curse to love anything so much more than you love yourself.

The moon has always been the ocean’s most jealous lover. But every time he has tried to fully control her tides, she has turned into a terrible tempest and broken through his chains with such fury, only allowing him the illusion of control on her smallest, weakest tides. Remember that you are the ocean. And no one, not even the moon itself is allowed to control your glorious, beautiful tides.

All these pieces you have cut out of your soul to give to those you say need them more than you. Have you forgotten how it felt when you were drowning with nothing to hold onto?

The ocean holds magic for those who seek it. But she only bestows her best magic on those who deserve it. There is a lesson in that for you. Give your best to those who deserve it, not to everyone who seeks it.

Wild

The most important lesson I learnt on the day you left me is the realization nothing that is truly wild ever weeps for its broken heart. - The Day You Left

The Earth

When someone plants flowers in parts of your spirit that were dark closed, broken before they arrived, do not let them wither when they leave. Instead, love them for growing love them for living love them for letting the light back into your soul.

I hope you fall in love with someone well versed in the language of forests and monsoon. I hope you fall in love with someone who loves you like the wolf loves the moon.

I wonder if the earth ever heard the ocean cry for the people she lost when they drowned inside her depths.

My darling, I know it seems like the end of the world, that everything has been destroyed, that the whole earth is in flames. But remember, there are beginnings in endings, through destruction there comes life and you have the same strength in you that makes the phoenix rise from the flames.

Heal

Be careful when you ask love to stay. Not every love is kind and true. But every love leaves fingerprints on your heart forever.

And first, before him and before her and before them there was you. Never forget that.

The next time you cry, take a lesson from the rain. Learn the way she never holds back her storm or how loud her tears are when they fall.

I hope you find someone who knows how to love you when you are sad.

Be kind. There is strength in kindness. For it is only when a kind person starts to grow thorns you realize how strong their heart really is.

The way you have loved speaks volumes about you. The way they leave speaks volumes about them. Your love is not poison. Their inability to appreciate it is.

You don’t have to prove to anyone just how tough you are. You are still here, and you are still alive despite all of life’s storms and tornado and hurricanes. You have weathered them all like a grand old oak tree, and you are still here. You are still alive. And if that isn’t tough, I don’t know what is.

[bruceeves]

“Work # 965: Him & Me”

HIM: What’s up Butchie? ME: Up and at all day and now I’m off to bed . . . alone :-( . . . HIM: I know what that's like far too well. ME: It's a bugger the single life. HIM: I’ve been single for 20 yrs. I’m reaching out for friendship, boys, men, and of course subs ‘n slaves. I know I don't want to be single anymore. I’m tired of it. ME: I was with a guy for years and we got married on out 25th anniversary . . . and then cancer decided to pay a visit. I’ve been single now since 2004. HIM: I’ve been single since I was 24, I’ve been since 1996. I was with an 18 yr old. He was lovely; he hooked up with an older mature guy, stable and money. HIM: Sorry for your loss. ME: Thanks, I’m over it now (sort of) I guess. HIM: That's good. It’s good to share. ME: It is. I’m Bruce btw. HIM: Hi Bruce. Marty here. ME: Hiya Marty, I’m in Toronto, you're at which lake? Ontario has a lot of them. HIM: Ontario is blessed with lakes and water. I’m at the height of the Ontario watershed, I’m on Lake Temagami. It’s an artist’s paradise. I also hold my own art shows and invite guests. ME: Do you curate as well? HIM: I have thought of doing that, I also looked at a grant for that I saw a grant for $50 to $70,000 for that. Wufff. ME: You'd have a good chance of getting it too because of your location. I’d not applied for arts funding for years and years but I’m going to submit to the Ontario Arts Council this year in the Senior Artist category. What kind of work do you do Marty? HIM: I paint but won’t claim it’s my forte not even for a millisecond. I create in cloth, leather and use fur as well.im also mixed race Native and White. So a lot of my work has a Native influence. I bead as well. Make simple jewelry. I do leather craft, and my fave works are with quills and bark. I also make touristy things like organic dream-catchers, drums and the like. HIM: Do you have a big cock? ME: Being mixed-race gives you a leg up in the arts grant department and I have a average sized cock (cut) and you? HIM: I can work the First Nations angle till death. I’m above thickness with average length. HIM: Cut. ME: That sounds tasty! If you check out the O.A.C. site they explicitly say priority is given to aboriginal artists. My grandmother's grandmother was Cree, but I wouldn't dare . . . HIM: LOL ME: Could I see some more pics? HIM: I have a status card if that helps, I live on rez too. HIM: Did you see my pics in the profile??? If so that all I have. HIM: Do you know the Asspig site? ME: I’m just a standard member so I can't access anything but the most public pics. I know that site yes. The status card and rez would be helpful indeed. HIM: Here’s a few. HIM: Many people come to the rez to buy arts and crafts and I help them spend their money. ME: Nice looking fella . . . . HIM: Thanks. ME::-) I’m going for a walk now – I’ve got to get out of the house. Talk to you later Marty . . . HIM: Later. ME: Back . . . but I’m going out for the evening (nothing exciting). HIM: That's OK I'm at a dinner meeting. ME: My evening turned into a dud -- I went to a screening and it was sold out! HIM: Ahhh shitty. Hate that shit. ME: I know, but it got me out of the house for a bit and I had a nice chat with the filmmaker who's sort of a friend so at least he knows I tried to see his work. There may be a future screening so all's not lost. HIM: That's good to hear, do you have contact info for him or the screening, can u reserve a seat??? ME: It's the Images Festival and its all first come first serve :-( HIM: Ah SHITTY. ME: It's no big deal. How’s your week going Marty? HIM: Busy, busy, busy, and I love it, making a few extra bucks for hydro bill. ME: Same on this end -- I'm chained to the computer for the next few days (and not in the good way) to plow through a whole lot of stuff -- I’d prefer to sit in my back yard and watch the flowers grow, but . . . . HIM: I’m looking at the ice surrounding my island, wishing for hot weather, time to start boating, lovely break up, countless ice crystals clinking on the shore line, the loons haunting cries, the eagles, the moose the bear etc... love it. ME: Sounds fantastic (except for the ice) I’ve got a nice big garden and everything is starting to pop up now. HIM: I’m about 500 km north of you. ME: I’m beginning to hate the city – if I didn't have a back garden I think I’d go nuts. HIM: I hated the city a long time ago. I love living on the lake. ME: I’ve never learned to drive, so moving to the country would be a problem. HIM: Well I know how to drive, I have driven around the island, although it’s kind of not legal. I’ll take keys off people if they had a few drinks. ME: Why is it not legal? Good that you're the designated driver though. HIM: I don't have a driver license. ME::-) I can see how that could get you into a bit of trouble . . . HIM: True. ME: Have you ever been caught? I hope not. HIM: I was pulled over by the police more than 20 years ago as a DD without a license. He didn't even ask for a drivers permit. ME::-) My dad got stopped by the cops once because he was driving too slowly – they thought he was drunk. He was just looking at the farms and scenery . . . :-) HIM: Shitty but it’s nice to see the countryside. ME: Yes, I grew up in the country north of Toronto. HIM: Very nice, what area? ME: Newmarket – it was a tiny town when we moved there, my dad was born there but moved away, now it's huge and not so great. But when I was there I wanted out, there was nothing there for a gay kid. HIM: I guess not, yeah that area really developed. ME: It's pretty awful now. HIM: It’s a shame the lands around Toronto are built up, it’s the best farmland in Canada. The first 400 km with in distance of the CN Tower is the best farmland in Canada. Sprawled up ugly fucking houses. ME: hopefully the green belt has stopped that. HIM: It’s too bad Toronto and surrounding area didn't build up first and then out. I hate those houses especially in the Maple area near Wonderland. Fucking ugly houses with all those foreigners living in them. ME: Toronto is very sprawling, it's a result of not being hemmed in by geography – but the lessons have been learned and the city is now becoming more intensified and vertical (which in itself causes other problems. I lived in NYC for many years and HATED IT there, but as far as livable cities go Toronto is up near the top. Off for my daily walk now . . . HIM: Yes Toronto is one of the world, this I already know. I lived there for 7 years. ME: How long ago were you living here -- I moved in 1978 and came back in 2001. HIM: I was there 1996 to 2003. ME: We could have crossed paths. HIM: Probably. You are familiar looking, by chance did you ever have a boyfriend named Allan and he worked at Bubs Subs, Church and Wellesley. ME: No -- I’d come back to Toronto with my man John in 2001 and we were together until he died in 2004. HIM: Sorry to hear of your partner’s death. ME: It was quick -- he was sick for only six months. HIM: Wow. Sorry to hear that nonetheless. HIM: BTW you have nice pits. ME: Thank you very much! HIM: I love pit hair.... especially thick, burly belly and chest hair. HIM: What are you into sexually? ME: Actually I’m sort of vanilla. HIM: Oh sorry. I’m anything but vanilla. ME: What are you into? HIM: Leather, rough, all left black, navy, red, yellow, grey. ME: I understand all the colours except grey. HIM: Bondage. ME: That's right, now I remember. HIM: I’m into more than that. Love nasty raunch, too. ME: I’m mostly a kisser and cocksucker, boring I know. HIM: They can be good too. ME::-) You're too kind. HIM: I love guys who suck and swallow. Wooffff. ME: I do both. HIM: Nothing like a good service pig to suck a nice cock and bring him to completion. ME: I also like 69ing and then mixing the cum together on our tongues. HIM: I loveeeeee 69. I can get sucked off for hours without cumming but I tend to blow quickly if I 69. ME: And cum eating? HIM: I’ve only eaten cum once from another guy. ME: Mine tastes very good. HIM: That's nice...... I really don't get much action round here, but I do crave to suck cock and fuck. I would suck yours and swallow it. I know I wanna suck. I wasn't much into sucking when I was younger. ME: I’d let you suck my cock anytime :-) HIM: LOL I’m sure. You shooting neg or poz loads? ME: I’m clean, negative. HIM: I hate the line, I’m clean. It’s like anyone else who has been infected in some shape or form is dirty. Its dehumanizing really. I’m poz. Wanted you to know that. ME: Sorry my mistake – you're right. I’m not one of those idiots that run for the hills when they hear poz. HIM: That's good. ME: I lived through the darkest days of the epidemic in the 80s and 90s when I was in NYC. HIM: Wow. That’s very impressive and sad at the same time. ME: It was absolutely horrible, HIM: You made it though and yuu are strong for that. I think it was created in a lab and used to depopulate. ME: That's crossed my mind and the minds of many others as well. HIM: Sure it’s just a branch in the plan to depopulate the world. ME: There was an overt attempt to stigmatize gay men in the '80s and '90s and I’m not entirely sure that that has not gone away, it's just less hostile and aggressive. HIM: Well the ‘80s was harsh as a teen and the ‘90s were pretty gay. ME: That whole period was really hard for me, especially because I was living in a place that I hated, it got better when I came back to Canada but then was almost immediately followed by tragedy. It’s good now though. HIM: Yikes. ME: I came back to Canada in 2001 and in 2003 both my mother and my partner were in the same hospital at the same time. HIM: I’m sure it feels a bit of relief to share the grief. But sometimes you gotta think does the person need or are able to hear it, how will they feel afterwards. I don't wanna hear any more depressing energy from you. ME: Fine, my life is good now. HIM: That's good. ME: Yes it is, except for not enough money and no boyfriend, it's perfect. HIM: LOL I hear you. ME: Such is modern life, I think. HIM: I ain’t a fan of modern. ME: 21st century then. HIM: I love my life in the bush. ME: I like my back garden – it's facing away from the city, it's quiet, relaxing. HIM: That's always nice. I had a shitty apartment and no garden or yard in the city.... I miss my friends, music, men and the convenience of food. My yard is now Lake Temagami, have a look-see. ME: That's fantastic. HIM: I’m so blessed to be here and love it so much. Although there’s no gay community here, I’m wanting love and have considered moving, I’m thinking south-west New Mexico or Palm Springs, California. ME: Are there any larger small towns nearby that may have a fledgling community? HIM: The nearest bigger center is North Bay. HIM: Really funny I connected with a slave last night from North Bay. ME: How far is that away from you? HIM: A little over an hour away. ME: That's not too bad at all -- I’d imagine North Bay has some sort of gay community, or am I wrong to assume that? HIM: It’s closeted, its small and although there is a rainbow church. ME: Sounds old fashioned but it's better than nothing -- in a lot of ways Toronto is kind of closeted too. HIM: I’m a Satanist now. ME: Oh? HIM: yes it’s been about 5 months of the dark side for me, I love it. ME: That may narrow the community a bit. HIM: I don't care. Since my change it’s been hotter, already had a boy visit me and more on the way. Its working for me 100 fold already. Today is the 50 year anniversary of the church of SATAN . . . HS. I rejoice in the darkness. ME: What does it offer that you can't get elsewhere? HIM: I don't need to explain it to you. ME: OK. HIM: That's good. ME::-) HIM: Butchie . . . pick a subject, fetish or kink. ME: Fetish. HIM: What’s the hottest fetish out there? What’s fetish mean to you? ME: I just got in and I’m sort of drunk -- I’ll think about this. HIM: LOL where did u go??? ME: I spent many hours at The Black Eagle . . . fetish-wise I sort of have a thing for muscle worship. HIM: AHHH LOVED THE BLACK EAGLE. DOES IT STILL HAVE THAT RANK ODOUR TO IT? ME: They've installed a dance floor . . . a dance floor!!!!!! HIM: Wow. ME: Yes, I was shocked. HIM: Wow. ME: It’s just like any ordinary bar now. HIM: I heard they even allow females. ME: There were none there yesterday and I don't think there's a female washroom, so I’m not sure. HIM: I had heard awhile back females were allowed. ME: Apparently 1/3 of Woody's customers are now women. HIM: When I left the city, the scene was still somewhat sacred. ME: I haven't been to Church Street in years. Sunday night was the first time in forever, and it was pretty ridiculous. HIM: LLLOOOLLL. ME::-) The Eagle has a dance floor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HIM: Yes you told me earlier, I still can’t believe it. Wow. ME: Neither can I, I just keep repeating to myself inside my head -- a dance floor? a dance floor! a dance floor? a dance floor! . . . HIM: OK we both know it, now we can both accept the sacrilege. ME: I will never darken their door again  HIM: LOL ME::-) morning . . . HIM: morning Butchie. ME: I’m out in the garden all day today. HIM: Good for you. ME: Did a lot of veggie planting and then I had a nap. HIM: That's a good days work. ME: And it's going to be warm from now on plus rainy – I have more to put in but the stock isn't in yet. I like gardening, it's relaxing. HIM: Of course it is, gardening is amazing. ME: My back is so sore now though. HIM: Good. ME: YEAH? Then give me a massage. HIM: It means you’re alive. ME::-) I’ll finish the rest of the planting today. HIM: Don't ever complain to me when your white and male and living in North America..... you could be a nigger starving in Africa. Or a woman in the Middle East with one arm because her other hand was chopped off for stealing a loaf of bread because she was hungry and trying to feed her babies. ME: I’m not complaining about anything and the rant is uncalled for. HIM: Frankly, I don't care about your gardening when this is a sex kink site. Have a nice life Butchie. Don’t message me again.

April 17-May 6 2016

[breathingdeeplystressesmeou-blog]

i like her so much but im pretty sure she hates me and she has a boyfriend that seems like a genuineily good dude and i wouldnt want to interrupt their relationshi bc she’s not in the best spot metal health wise and he seems to be good for her alos i just in generaly would not want to ruin a relatioship that seems to work bc thats shitty but i just wish she didn’t hate me and i dont even know if she likes girls fuck i dont even know if i like girls she didnt id as a girl when i started liking her now she does and i still like her but before she id’d as a trans boy and was constantly being like im so gay why are there so many pictures of girls and stuff so does that mean she’s traight who knows not me i took allergy medicine and drank whiskey so i can sleep i just wish she didnt hate me why am i so fucking bad at taklking to people why am i so bad in general why are my friends evn friends with me is it pity do they just don’t wan me to kms probably every time i speak i want to take back whatever the fuck i just said every singly time i wish i could disappear so i wouldnt have to feel this awekward and shitty all the time i dont want to hurt anyone i wish everyone in my life would just forget i existed so i could get the balls to just end it but evryo time i think about it i think of the peope it will hurt and it dont wnt tohurt anyone i wish i was never born everyone would be better off i told my dad he shouldnt have gotten back togethe with my mom after getting therapy for his abusive ass behavior and i meant it i really wish they hand’t gotten back together hadnt had me had stayed apart theyre so fucing bad for each other if i wasnt born they would have split up ags ago D would have other friends she says she needs me she doesnt im just holding her backco could’t even help S i tried i really fucking tried and i couldnt because im a useless piece of shit 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #176

rape tw

Do you like to have croutons in your salad? Noooonononono. It's a texture thing. Which do you find more irritating - sunburn or bug bites? Sunburn. How many friends do you have on Facebook? Like... 116? How many contacts do you have in your phone? 16. Do you carry any means of protection on you while out in public? No, but I wanna get pepper spray. Would you ever pick up a hitchhiker? No, I'm too paranoid of strangers. Do you know anyone who does cocaine? Not to my knowledge. What is something that most people wouldn’t know about you from simply looking at you? I used to be a super in-shape 117 lb. queen that even then felt slightly fat. :') What’s a quality that your sister has that you absolutely can’t stand? One has a serious temper, the other's... well I dunno. I don't see my older sis enough. Have you ever been to a bachelor or bachelorette party? No. Something you would NEVER buy? Uhhh the first thing that came to my head are snakes that aren't directly from breeders. Both snakes I bought from PetSmart were sick, so. No thanks. Could you wait until marriage for sex? Yeah. Have you ever dated a smoker? If not, would you? No, deal breaker for me. Do you share a middle name with any of your siblings? Yes, Nicole. Do you think your first love still loves you? No, but the feeling's mutual so np. Are you a money saver or spender? I've never had a consistent source of income, but when I do get some from gifts or photography, I've actually proven to be great at saving it for whatever my target is. Hopefully I stay that way when I do have a job. Has a member of the opposite sex ever seen you naked? Yes. Have you ever had to sell something for a school fundraiser? Yup. If you have any piercings, who did them? Claire's did my earlobes, then various people from Garry's Skin Grafix and mostly New Addiction did my piercings. Have you ever cried while watching a movie trailer? No. Have you ever been pulled over, but just let off with a warning? Never been pulled. Have you ever taken shots? (of alcohol) Noooo, been offered to take part I think twice, but it's not something I think I ever want to do considering I loathe the taste of alcohol, hence why I only ever drink fruity things with tiny amounts of alcohol. Do you like mash-up songs? Occasionally, I guess? None even come to mind. Would you ever consider adopting a child with a severe mental illness? No, because I have a plethora of my own and don't want to put a child under the supervision of someone with conditions like mine; as well, I'm sorry, but I need to take care of myself. Took me damn long enough to get here, and I'm not going back to how horrible my life was before out of stress and having to handle a child with a severe mental illness. And oh, did I mention the main reason is because I don't in any capacity want kids? Have you ever pole danced before? No. Have you ever seen a live bat? Yeah. Do you listen to classical music? Not intentionally. Do you tell your parents who you like? Why or why not? No. I'll admit I like someone if they ask, but otherwise I just don't see it necessary to walk up to your guardian and just randomly inform them that you have a crush. Are you due for a haircut? Getting there, maybe almost two months from now. Are you dealing with any health-related problems right now? My OCD's been exceptionally bad lately. Do your parents like the music you listen to? Both like certain artists that I do - a lot, really. I do know I also like heavier stuff than them, though. Do your parents approve of your beliefs? Not all. Who’s the most annoying person in your neighborhood? Don't live in one. Name one of your psycho exes? None. I was honestly the psycho ex. I was very rightfully broken, but I shouldn't have done many things I did. Why were they a psycho ex? ^ I wouldn't leave him the hell alone and would pester him on Facebook too much even when I was ignored and, most regrettably, make just enough time to blame him for my ER visits before leaving until he finally blocked me. I sincerely don't blame him if he does consider me "the psycho ex." What’s the best revenge you ever got on someone? I don't care in the slightest about revenge to even think up a situation where I got any. I've never deliberately fished for it. What screen name did you use in 6th grade? FlowerOurQueen ew. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks? ih crihmus What’s the last movie you saw? Halloween. Who was the last person to call you? This fucking car insurance agency that calls like every goddamn day. I've answered a couple times thinking that it could be VR and promptly hung up upon finding it wasn't. By now, I recognize the three digits after the area code to just ignore them. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail? VR. Where is your least favorite place to be? Hospitals. Where is your favorite place to be? Sara's house. Do you think the sanctity of marriage is meant for only a man & woman? lol no, grow up, 0-19-y/o me denying your own sexuality in fear of a "loving" god sending you to Hell. :^) Would you like to learn to play the drums? Nah. Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet? Types of people. Name one thing you worry about running out of. Motivation to live, again. Do you post to say happy birthday on other people’s walls? Sometimes. Always with close friends. Have there ever been floods where you live? Oh yeah. Do you listen to K-Pop? No. When was the last time you saw a rainbow? Ummm idr, but not very long ago. Sunshower. What’s your favorite television commercial? I don't watch TV anymore, so I don't know any current ones. But it will probably /always/ be the sexy Mr. Clean one because memories fuck me up. Have you ever tried writing a song? Yes. For one of the Nintendogs tracks. I even moved their heads around to the tune of the song. kms What is your favorite type of juice? Peach/mango. Whose birthday did you last celebrate? My nephew's. When you were a kid, did you have a treehouse? No. We didn't have trees built for that, just very tall pine trees. What was the best school year in your opinion? 7th grade; ironically, the year my depression began to seriously manifest. Do you know (of) anyone who has committed suicide? Sadly. When was the last time you flew on a plane? This past October. Take me back. Do you eat meat every day? No. Who taught you how to ride a bike? Dad. Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey? No. How do you cook your rice? Steam, boil, other? I don't cook. Do you like your country’s president or prime minister? Nope. Some of his policies I side with, but his personality absolutely destroys him for me. Do you wear skirts? No. I absolutely hate my legs. What color is your house? Like this khaki sorta color. How many first cousins do you have? I have zero clue. I don't even think I've met some first ones. Off the very top of my head, I know there's at least... nine? Have you ever seen a pop star in concert? No. Do you listen to Christmas music during the holiday season? No, not a fan of most. It doesn't put me in the "Christmas spirit" anyway. Where would you like to vacation to? The Bahamas baby, Sweden, Japan... What time do you set your alarm to? I don't use mine. Nothing to use it for. Do you like ginger ale? No, unless my stomach is upset. What time does the sun set at the time of year where you live? Like 5, and I hate it. Have you ever been skiing? No. When was the last time you moved house? Feb. of last year. What did you last feel nervous about? How in god's name am I blanking here??????????? Over something incredibly trivial, I'm sure. Do you find yourself saying mean things to people over the internet that you wouldn’t say in real life? No. Who is the last person to text you? Sara. Does the person you like know it? HAHA she's got a pretty good idea. Who of the opposite sex has seen you at your worst? Jason or Girt. Girt came to the hospital after hearing about my OD, so my mental state was obviously shit, but Jason saw me in more obvious, externally-expressed emotional breakdowns. Did you have a nap today? Yes. I've been waking up much too early lately. What was the last movie you saw that you really liked? Really liked? Probs Jumanji. Do your best friends live near you? Ha, no. Do you have any stuffed animals saved from when you were a child? A LOT. When is the next time you are traveling outside of the state, province, or country? Where to? I'm sure sometime next year to Sara's. What are your living arrangements currently? Are you happy with them? I live with just my mom and pets. It's fine, though I wish I was emotionally prepared to move out. Hell, and obviously financially. Have you ever had feelings for someone your best friend was dating? N- oh yeah yes, in the Jenna situation. Though I don't truly recall what *kind* of feelings exactly I had. Is there anything written on the shirt you’re wearing? No, surprisingly. How was your first kiss? Super cute. Do you still talk to the person you shared it with? No. Are you the oldest of your siblings? No. Have you ever dated someone who had kids? No; that's a deal-breaker for me. I am not being a mother figure to any child, especially when it's not my own. Have you kissed someone 4 or more years older than you? No. Were your parents married when you were born? Yeah. Does the last person you kissed have tattoos? No. Do you live within 20 miles of where you were born? Yeah. What is your opinions on Valentine's Day? Cheesetastic, is it not? No no no no no I LOVE it!!!! I can't stand that "ugh every day you should appreciate love" shit 'cuz like, why not have a day specifically wrapped around it? Is it hurting anyone in any way shape or form?? What is the last thing you wrote? (typing is not writing, btw) My signature, probably? Do you have an outfit that you consider your "seduction outfit"? lul no. What is the last fruit you have eaten? Uhhh good question. I'm only just back on solids. What was the last injection you received? Was it sore? At the dentist when I had to get a cavity filled. They had to give me no less than 6-7 shots in the same spot to numb me properly, so yeah, it was sore. Have you ever been badly bitten by an animal? No. Favorite sandwich? I'll never turn down a ham, cheese, and mustard one. What characteristics do you despise? Arrogance, manipulative, lack of compassion, anger, two-faced, entirely insensitive, rudeness, raunchiness, the inability to accept one is sometimes wrong and that that's okay, BEING A DRAMA NEST HINT HINT, and I could go on... Where would you retire to? The mountains. What was your most memorable birthday? My 21st. Supposed to be your greatest celebration, yet I was in the mental hospital. It still means the goddamn world to me how my peers and employees tried to make it special. What did you want to be when you were little? First an archaeologist, then a vet. I think I only changed my mind upon realizing the original would've been extremely difficult. Have your parents ever forgotten your birthday? No. Would you rather have some bacon or beef jerky? Bacon. I'm actually not a big fan of the latter, it's too dry and tough. Did the Spanish classes have an “El Dia de Los Muertos” (Day of the Dead) fiesta at school? I don't know, I didn't take Spanish. What’s the most number of comments you have on a Facebook picture? What is the picture of? I have zero clue. Do you like coconut flavored things? nooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I really don't like coconuts. Have you ever met a famous author before? No. Do you know anybody who has been raped before? I don't believe so? I know many who've been violated or molested, but I don't believe I know a rape victim. How often do you get a fever? Like never. What makes you lose your appetite? Unappetizing scenes or smells and feeling/being sick. Are there any childhood habits you are grateful for or regret? I was taught good manners, for one. I wish chores had been more enforced upon all of us. At what age did you start to wear makeup? Did your mom object at first? I think 9th grade was when I "officially" started? It was freshman year and I had that "it's a new start and you're (this old) now, at least try to look pretty for once" mentality with how my self esteem was on the decline. I did it every day for a long time, until one day I didn't put on anything because I was tired of it and my art classmates (I was close to them) literally asked if I was okay lmao. From then on out, it was sporadic; eyeliner, shadow, and mascara some days, other days, nothing. But anyway no, Mom didn't have a problem. I think I recall her worrying about how it was all black, but she in no way objected. Would you consider yourself an adventurous person? This reeaally depends on the situation. I can't say which I lean more towards... maybe no? Have you ever snuggled with someone you weren’t dating? No. Have you ever been afraid of being underwater? No. Have you ever been drunk at work? No. What band/group have the most lyrics that represent you? I dunno. One thing you really want to learn? Digital art. What is your favorite piece of art you own? I don't own any other than my own work. The most expensive bill I paid last month was ____? N/A What’s the one thing you apologized for this month? @ the Silent Hill wiki, I wasn't understanding why a certain member was giving particular information that appeared irrelevant to me, but he got me to understand. I am extreeemely nit-picky over there, having been active there since '12, and now being a staff member, I'm even more specific. What is the largest TV screen in your house? We only have one, in the living room, but it's been the biggest. What has challenged your morals? Wondering if I was bi in middle school, frustration when I was trying to be abstinent in a serious relationship, pirating (which I still know is wrong asjfawouow), mutually being a flirt with my then-best friend's boyfriend, considering abortion at a much more open-minded angle, the justification of eating meat, my experience in life in relation to religion... Those are the ones that stand out. Who was the last female you hung out with? Mom. Have you ever taken a pregnancy test? No. Do you want to get married? Yes. Does the thought of moving out from home scare you? A bit. Would you rather live in a mansion or a small cozy home? The latter. I'm not paying for superfluous space and spending a gross amount of unnecessary time cleaning. Would you ever try being a vegetarian? I did, but stopped for a few reasons. Do you have any tattoos at the moment? Yeah and NOWHERE NEAR DONE. What about piercings? ^ Do you keep your eyebrows more thick or thin? Natural. What color is your bedroom door? White. Do your shoulder blades protrude? No, give them back to me. Have you ever been to a rave? No. How many bananas have you ever eaten in a row? Two? Do you think you’re the best thing that’s happened to someone? No. Can you make a clover shape with your tongue? No. Do you have a protective father? No. What’s the biggest misconception about you, personally? Uhhh probably that I don't try hard enough, specifically with work, adulthood, socializing, etc. when I'm sincerely doing my best. Are you disrespectful to a lot of people? No. Does your cell phone have a case on it? What color? No. What was the last song you had on repeat? "Family" by Mother Mother. Your most recent ex says he/she hates you, you say? That'd hurt like hell; he's like a bro to me and is the last close friend I have here. I don't know what I'd say. If someone you wanted before came back now, would you take them? Nope. Have you ever had to choose between two people? Sara and Girt. Jason and Juan. If you were to attend a costume party tonight, what or whom would you go as? Good question. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger? And do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling? Cheese, mustard, ketcup, pickles, a little bit of minced onion. Idk which I prefer. Everyone hears discussions that they consider boring. What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other? Economics. How many times did it take you to pass your drivers test? N/A What is your highest level of education? Some college. What kind of lunch box did you have as a kid? Idr. Would you rather be trapped in an elevator, or stuck in traffic? Traffic. I'm afraid of elevators. The last thing you remember dreaming about: Everyone I loved left me, so I tried to suffocate myself. Why do I only recall nightmares, ugh. The last place you went: The parlor to get a new bar for my tongue ring. The last alcoholic drink you consumed: A margarita. The last time you felt insulted/offended: I'm unsure. But I feel it was recently? The last time you kissed someone: October 17th weeps. The last time you held a baby: Months ago when Colleen needed me to hold Keegan. The last time you gave up on or quit something: Vegetarianism. The last video game you played: I finally got a new disc of Shadow of the Colossus!!!!! :'D I'm replaying it and doing both Time Attack modes to get Agro's white coat. The last television show you watched: Fullmetal Alchemist w/ Sara. Are you afraid of shots? No, I just anticipate it being unpleasant. How many times have you donated blood? Once. Would you date someone 15 years older than you? No. What’s the worst sickness you’ve ever had? An awful stomach virus. I wouldn't stop vomiting. What was the last classic novel you read? Did you enjoy it? I couldn't tell ya. Something in high school. Do you think Gatorade tastes refreshing or just gross? I hate it. What’s the scariest video game you’ve ever played? I personally think Outlast is overall the scariest game made thus far, but one I can't play because of the intense jumpscares is SCP Containment Breach. What about your life concerns you the most? Future financial position. If you were a different gender, what name would you want to have? Ummm Severin. What product or service do you find ridiculously overpriced? Certain clothing and makeup brands, like half the shit doesn't even look that great. How many people, outside of your immediate family, do you know the birthdays of by heart? At least six. Would you rather take a walk in the cold rain, or in the blistering heat? Definitely the former. If you had the chance to slip through a portal, despite being aware of any of effects and/or consequences, would you do it? No. Do you trust your gut instinct? I try to, but don't always. Which parent was more strict when you were growing up? Mom. What are some things that initially attract you to the preferred sex? CHARISMA, kindness, concern for others, a love of animals, and being a gamer oops. What is the saddest thing that has happened to you? What about the happiest? The breakup and eventual suicide attempt are definitely the saddest. The happiest, easily the last day of Holly Hill when everyone was telling me goodbye and I felt like I was ready to really live again. When was the last time someone scared you? Sara had me worried something was wrong involving me, but it wasn't. Name the strangest game you’ve ever played (video game or real game): Silent Hill 3 is so fucking weird but also one of the best horror games ever. Name something that you saw within the past week that made you smile: Probably Teddy being cute. Name something within the past week that made you frown: I don't think I have physically frowned this week. Name somebody you know who deserves a better life than they have: My mom. Name something that you hope is different by this time next year: My social anxiety has improved. Name something that you’re good at but don’t like: Um I have no clue. Name something that you’re bad at but DO like: Drawing anthro characters. Name something that you strongly believe in: Gay rights. Do you like pudding? Chocolate pudding. Do you tend to use a lot of big words? No, it's unnecessary. Just talk so people can understand you and not wonder what five words you said mean. Do you fall for guys/girls easily? NOPE. When someone copies you, are you more flattered or annoyed? Annoyed. Which is worse: Stale chips or flat soda? Stale chips. Flat soda doesn't bother me very much. What’s one show that you wish was still on the air? Deadman Wonderland. Have you ever used a port-a-potty? Omg yeah I know I have at sports practice or games as a kid. I absolutely never would again. What was the last stinky thing you smelled? Teddy's pee; he wet his diaper, and we know he has some kind of infection with how rancid it is sometimes, but we don't even bother anymore because it's recurring. What’s your favorite outdoor activity? Photographing nature.