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good-beanswrites · 26 days

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Fe Aspec Week Day 4: Acceptance

This week on I Accidentally Made Myself Sad With My Own Angst :( As much as I know Forsyth would be the most accepting person in all of Valentia, I think his own insecurities/mindset would cause a bit of tension during his childhood with Python. It has a happy ending but I wanted to explore just a bit of that first...

“Python!”

Forsyth’s tiny hands trembled, clutching the gift that he’d bought with his very own money. His father didn't need to know.

Python scrambled down the big oak tree to meet him. He tugged at the dress his father probably made him wear for the holiday. His hair had already come loose from it's braid, likely caught on the twigs and leaves of the tree. Forsyth waited anxiously at it's base for him to come down.

When he arrived, Forsyth shoved the box forward. He startled both of them with the force of it.

“I – I – I have this. For you. Will you – I mean – I would –” Forsyth’s cheeks burned red. It was clear what he was asking. There would be no other reason you’d give someone a perfectly wrapped package of sweets on the Day of Devotion unless you were asking them the question.

Python looked down at it. The two had been friends for so long, it took only a second for Forsyth to understand exactly what it meant.

“Oh…” He felt his stomach twist up in a knot. His throat started to constrict. “I know Father doesn’t like you, but he doesn’t much like anyone. S-so we can make it work!”

“Fors…”

“We could keep it a secret!” Then, in desperation, “we could – we could run away together!”

“Fors!” Python whined. “C’mon, you know we’re too young for that!” With one hand he took the chocolates, and the other took Forsyth's arm. “We’re supposed to be climbing trees and playing pranks on Teacher – not doing gushy grown-up love stuff.”

Forsyth bit his lip. He didn’t think it was gushy at all. He didn’t trust his voice to speak; with one word he may just start bawling right here. The last thing he needed was to be scolded for being so emotional.

Python beamed as if he hadn’t just shattered Forsyth’s heart into a million pieces. “Let’s just take it slow, okay? We’ll have plenty of time for all that when we’re older, okay?”

He coaxed a small nod from Forsyth.

“Speaking of! I heard Teach left the schoolhouse window open – have I got the perfect plan! We’ll share the chocolates after, okay? You’re my best friend, we should split them.”

I don’t want to split them. Forsyth let himself be tugged along. I wanted to give them all to you. To give everything to you.

He grit his teeth as they ran. He wasn’t the type to accept defeat after a small setback like this. So, Python wasn’t ready. That was fine. One day he would be. And Forsyth would be there. It was like every book he’d read: the steadfast knight would get the beautiful lover, if he was just patient enough.

He said a quick prayer to Mila, that one day they’d stop being friends, and true love would win out.

—

“Python!”

Forsyth’s hands trembled, his fists balled up in fury.

“I am sick and tired of this.”

“Oh you’re tired of this? Then quit fucking confessing every single year. Every year it’s the same speech, and the same shitty plan to run away together. We’re not in some fairy tale, Fors. Just give it up.” Python moved to take a sip from his drink, turning his back. Though they’d both come of age, it wasn’t ale. Though it wasn’t ale, they both spoke as loudly as if they’d each had a barrel to drink. It was a good thing Python’s father was out all night; there was no one in the tiny house to hear them argue.

Forsyth grabbed the cup away before he could take a sip. It earned him a hard look, but a direct one. “I’m not tired of confessing, I’m tired of this type of disrespect!” He placed the drink down a foot away. “You can’t just be honest with me and tell me why I’m not good enough for you – it’s infuriating!”

“I am honest. I’ve told you, this has nothing to do with you. It’s me who–”

“Oh-ho, don’t give me that tired cliche! Every year, it’s another cryptic excuse, another roundabout lie!” He flung his hands in wild gestures, his voice pitching. “You say you’re not ready for commitment, yet you spend every day with me regardless. You say you would make a terrible housemate, yet you stay over at my home for weeks at a time. You say you’re not ready to be with someone, yet I catch word that you shared a bed with the innkeeper!”

“What, you jealous or something?”

“That is exactly what I am. And how dare you act like I’m the crazy one for it!” Tears threatened his eyes, but he pushed through. “I have been by your side your entire life, looking out for you, caring for you, giving all of myself over to you! And here you are, laughing in the face of my love! Like - like it’s another one of your jokes!

“Oh, you're jealous, huh? So is that why you do it? You do all that for me just to get laid at the end of the day? Well if you’d said that sooner, I would have happily –”

“You know that’s not what I meant!”

“Then what do you mean?”

“It doesn’t make any damned sense, Python!”

“It does, if you would just pipe down and listen when I –”

“Pipe down?”

“Yeah! If you’d let me finish a damned sentence this will all make sense!”

“Fine then, go ahead and finish – give me one good reason why you don’t want to be with me!”

“When you’re acting like this I could give you a hundred!” Python swatted his cup away, spilling the drink all over the floor. He stormed out of the room.

A heavy silence fell over the house. Forsyth gathered his things. He left. He finally let his tears fall.

It was simple, he decided. All he needed to do was accept the fact that this relationship was going nowhere. Python didn't love him, and he'd just need to imagine whatever reasons he could. They should simply end things before they got any more hurt.

End our friendship...

He cried through the night, unable to even muster a word to Mila.

—

“Python!”

Forsyth’s hand was steady as it took the man’s shoulder. The pair locked eyes.

“Run away with me.”

The wind rustled the leaves overhead. Usually the area was bustling with chaos as the new building was erected, but Python was the only one to stay back today. Forsyth would have teased him for the irony, if it hadn’t presented him with the perfect opportunity to ask his question.

Python rolled his eyes. “Har-har. I thought today was Day of Devotion, not Flostym Fools'…”

“Huh?” Forsyth’s expression flashed with confusion, then horror. “O-oh! Not like that, of course! Oh gods, I meant… the Deliverance.”

He spread his hands. “It’s clear we’ll never get the approval we seek to join. So I propose we do it in secret. Everyone will be distracted by the village festivities tonight. If we don’t come home right away, everyone will assume it’s for… the festivities. It will give us a reasonable head start. We won’t need to worry about them catching up to us by the time they finally realize we’ve gone.”

He looked eagerly to Python.

“Heh, using all the hype around love to make our escape... you’re a true ally after all, Fors!”

Forsyth’s look soured. “L-listen. I swear, I would never ask you that again. I mean, we got over that years ago. I nearly lost you to that argument, and I shall never make the same mistake again. I know how much pain I put you through, and I would never dream of –”

“Hey. I know. You had a lot on your mind, then.” He let out a loud sigh. “Which is why I’m gonna come along with you. Somebody’s gotta help you find that special someone, right?”

“Do you mean it? Wait, what is that supposed to mean?”

With a hearty laugh, Python pulled him into a hug. Forsyth held him close. Reality may not follow a path like the perfect little fairy tales he read as a child, but that made it no less perfect.

“So… that’s a yes?”

Python leaned back so he could study his face. “You’re really serious about this, huh?”

“W-were you not?”

“Eh, I’m not serious about anything…” He offered his hand. “But I’m in. I’m always in.”

Forsyth accepted it, clasping it within both of his. He found himself too choked up for words, though he didn’t care if anyone saw him cry. He wiped tears from his cheeks and smiled at Python’s kindhearted teasing.

He thanked the gods that they would never stop being friends.

#fe aspec week #fe echoes #fe python #fe forsyth #forsython #i got a little carried away asfsdf this ended up much longer than intended (whats new 💀)#as someone who reads forsyth as a hopeless romantic its just something i think was important to explore between them #but LMAO i literally made myself so upset writing their argument i was just sitting there going NOOOO stop fighting ;------;#i would have included trans python anyway because i really like that - but also it shows that forsyth truly is accepting #its specifically the fact that hes fallen in love that turns it into an insecurity issue instead of an acceptance one here #and once he realizes that (after their big fight) hes able to get over his own personal stuff and really be there for python #sorry i got a bit cheesy with the section parallels 😅 im a sucker for that but even i can admit it was a bit much this time #i know they wouldnt have the same terminology in fantasy-medieval stuff but 'ally' just fit so perfectly and i hope wasnt too jarring

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ywpd-translations · 1 year

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Ride 725: Towards a new trial!!

Pag 1

1: Sohoku will become even stronger!!

An injection of will-power to power up!!

Pag 2

1: The Izu Peninsula is a group of massifs perched on the Pacific Ocean, with a view of Mt. Fuji and Hakone

2: In the center of the peninsula there's the hot spring Shuzenji

3: Since a long time ago, a railway for the hot-springs has been made

4: And it made it prosper as a tourists attraction

5: About 10km east of Shuzenji, climbing a ridge in the mountains

Pag 3

1: There's the sports park circuit for bicycles

Pag 4

1: Ohh, woah.... it's so huge, teh

Waaaaa this is incredible Rokudai!!

2: A huge pylon!

It looks like an hotel from that anime with the cars

3: It's- it's huge, teh

Where should we run, I don't kow this level!

4: You've never come here, Kinaka-kun?

I... I've ran in races, but I only went as far as Saitama, it's the first time I come here!!

Pag 5

1: This is Shizuoka!!

When we in the car, we even saw Mt. Fuji...!!

2: Th-th-th that's Mt. Fuji, teh!!

Wooah, it's true! It's so huge! It's more huge than in pictures

3: The camera makes it look smaller

You're right, teh

5: They're in high spirits, those two

Yeah

Pag 6

1: They were chose for the quaolifiers.... and won...

Of course they're excited

3: Let's go, the meeting is soon, Furuya

Yeah, Murakami

5: From now, for the next four days, the training camp will start!!

Pag 7

1: Those of you who get injured or don't feel good, report it immediately

There's no need to overdo it, you can retire in the middle

2: So we can retire, too?

Yeah

I'm glad

3: However

4: This training campalso serves as a selection for the six members who will participate in the Inter High

5: Those of you who want to run in the national competition, the Inter High

6: those of you who want to make a name for themselves, those of you who want to contribute to the team, and those of you who have the secret ambition of playing a flashy active role....

Pag 8

1: Run with everything you have!!

Squeeze out beyond your limit!!

This training camp's finishing order...

2: The first

3: six people

5: Will be the Inter High members regulars!!

Pag 9

1: This course has a 5km long climb

The practice menu for these four days

2: is to run

Pag 10

1: 1000km!!

Pag 11

1: 1000km!

1000km

1000Km!!!

2: Running 1000km is the only practice menu!!

3: Kinaka-kun....!!

4: 1000km... don't tell me

5: Yeah, it's an impossible number

My father's family home is in Aomori, so every year we go there by car, and to go there by car it takes half a day

6: How far do you think it is from Chiba to Aomori!?

Pag 12

1: It's 700km!!

3: 1000km is 300km longer than that!!

4: It's longer.... than from Chiba.... to Aomori.... teh

5: And tht's not all

10: This training camp is simple but intense

Naruko-san said it

Pag 13

1: This electronic scoreboard will show the distance and number of laps accumulated

2: There's a chip installed on your bikes

3: So you'll know the individual number of laps and ranking

4: So I don't have to count them myself?

I'm glad, it'll be comforting

1000km, so, uhm...?

5: You can check after every lap

How many laps you did

6: And how many laps did the others!!

Pag 14

1: “How many laps the others did”..... that means that you can see your own rank on the eletronic scoreboard!!

You have opponents to fight.... in other words, this is a “race”!!

2: During this training camp

A race of 1000km....””

3: It's not just running, it's about how to reach the goal faster than the other members

4: We're being tested!!

5: No!! Wait, Kinaka- the third years are included too, and including both the second and third years, there's no way we can be in the top six!!

Furuya

6: If it's just running... then isn't this training camp is useless?

7: We're too much at a disadvantage!!

It's too much for us first years!!

Pag 15

1: No.... I don't think we have no chances at all!! At the end Naruko-san talked about “requirements”

I think those might become our breakthrough!!

2: Requirements”!!

3: Breakthrough!? How!?

Well.... somehow- I've been thinking about various things...

See, as expected it's impossible

4: As nexpected, Kinaka-kun is thinking about how to make a breakthrough, teh!!

5: The “requirements” for the training camp that the Sohoku racing team organized to work towards the Inter High....

6: How to run during the training camp is basically up to you

Think for yourself and run

Pag 16

1: But there is one “requirement”

Huh? A requirement, what is it!?

Like they'll give us handicaps?

2: Until now, in mine and Hotshot's personal experience in Sohoku training camp

3: many things were used to bind us and made each of us stronger

4: But we talked about it and decided not to use them this time

Those who want to do it can do it on their own accord

5: Instead of that

6: For the next 15 minutes, discuss with each other and choose a partner

Huh, a partner!?

Pag 17

1: The onw you choose will be your buddy for this training camp!!

3: Buddy!?

4: They a partner... who you'lll... run with?

Among us!?

Can I choose anyone?

5: What do we do?

Can we choose someone who's around as strong as us? How about that

6: Sure

Pag 18

1: “Fighting in pairs”

This is this training camps “requirements”!!

2: Kinaka-kun!!

3: Rokudai!!

Pag 19

1: I'll say it once again!! Will you run with me, Rokudai!?

Okay!! Yeah, teh!! Kinaka-kun!!

4: The stickers on their helmets!!

5: To make it easy to identify your chosen buddy, stick the same stickers on your helmets

6: Ugh... the two who participated in the qualifiers

Furuya, we can't lose either

Nogami!!

Pag 20

1: Being a pait means that we can protect each other from the wind

That's right

2: And we can cooperate with other pairs, as four people!!

Alright!! Let's settle aqnd run!! No, as six people!!

I have a feeling this is gonna be okay

4: The other first years wioll be a bit of an hindrance

I want to scatter them as soon as possible

5: Can I ask you that?

6: Kaburagi-san!!

Pag 21

2: As expected

3: I guess they started already

We're a little late

4: Sorry, Danchiku

No, it's alright....

5: Uhm... so it's really.... not good?

7: Yeah

It's better to stop

#yowamushi pedal #yowapeda #yowamushi pedal manga #yowapeda manga #yowamushi pedal translations #yowamushi pedal spoilers #ride 725 #this training camp is gonna be so intense im so not ready for it ;A;#i can see we're all gonna be emotional af during and after this whole arc #you can see especially danchiku and kaburagi and sugimoto ready to make us all suffer #but also i dont doubt kinaka and rokudai will also make us suffer a lot #are we ready :) no were not :))))#also i wonder if kawada is here as well mhhhh #btw i know ii say every week but it needs to be said again- kinaka and roku-chan have the sweetest relationsip???? besties????#theyre just besties who are discovering the world together ITS ADORABLE #if it wasnt clear already i love them SO MUCH #(Btw i wonder where onoda is xD hes always late for training camp #but no one even acknowledge his absence lmao #good thing sohoku has actually three captains!!#its SO GOOD to see our boys being all senpai-like and responsible #IM SO PROUD OF THEM THEYVE GROWN UP SO MUCH

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devotedlystrangewizard · 3 months

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hey can we talk about how astarion, despite having the least connection to the main plot of bg3, still has the most content of all the companions

#ramblings #this isnt even specifically about wyll though the thought did get sparked BY wyll's lack of content #gale has the crown karlach has gortash lae'zel has the gith shart has the artifact and wyll has baldurs gate #what does astarion have. cazador has nothing to do with the main plot of the game.#astarion's questline is entirely just an extensive sidequest #astarion kinda reminds me of how in p5r & p4g they added a character that initially wasnt there but was now the devs special princess #idk the history he was probably there from the start but thats just the vibe to me #the tadpole freed him. thats it. but thats basically already the durge's arc #and when you consider it thats the arc *for most companions*#none as physically as astarion SURE but they would never have gotten the opportunity to grow without the tadpole #this isnt a slight on astarion btw i personally dont care that much for him but you do you #its almost 3 am can you tell #i mostly stick to my quiet durgetash & gale brainrot corner occasionally pulling up to wyll lae'zel & karlach nations #but ive been vocally critical of astarion's amount of content compared to everyone else on discord for over a week now #& felt i had to say SOMETHING here

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faunandfloraas · 4 months

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Bang Chan has left australia 😔

someone play down under by men at work in minor key </3

#he wasnt even here for a week :(#yk what though? he ate two weeks worth of food and the days were pretty nice. he went to the beach. saw his family and puppy.#so im glad he seemed to have a good visit #and you know what else im glad about? i did not see a single creep shot the whole time. no stories. seems like everyone behaved well #so good job sydney siders. hopefully he'll be back again soon :)#ask #and in other good news. I went to sleep at a decent hour and woke up at 7am. Hurrah.

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deus-ex-mona · 5 months

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starting the year ✨wrong✨

#(this is about work ok. long rant in the tags bc auauauauauauauuauauauauauauauaaaaaaaa)#i’ve worked for just t h r e e (3!!!!) days this year and i think im already all burned out lmao #first i was stuck doing 2 workstations bc this freakin’ b o z o of a coworker decided to take the week off without prior notice #and *t h e n* the internal components of one of said workstations kicked the bucket and was only replaced today. sads.#rip to our wasted time and futile fixing efforts though. flashtag wetried #that’s not all t h o u g h i was told that i have to jump to the other work shift bc one of my coworkers is resigning #b u t the thing is. all of the other dudes in that shift are from [insert bordering country] and always speak in their nation’s language #so i won’t be able to communicate well with them for the most part esp s o bs #and if [insert country here] has a national holiday and a l l of them decide to take the day off..#well. um. ahahahaha. im ✨screwed✨#(but speaking of taking the day off… one of said guys on that shift has an approved leave for cny. which is funny bc he’s not even chinese)#(rips if the actual other chinese dude on that team has his leave request rejected bc of that guy lol. happy cny to him ig)#a n d also i was made to (sorta) teach these two new coworkers (of sorts) the workstation i’m at for the week #b u t the thing is. i do everything here by left (didn’t receive formal training either lmao sadge)#and i also couldn’t explain anything well in general bc it seems like my flow of thoughts can’t streamline itself ig #so i think i confused the poor guys more than anything. but like. why me??????? aaaauauaaaaaaaaaa #idk why one of them came back for more ‘education’ from me thoughhhhh #i’ve tried teaching ‘em stuff at another workstation before this and my feedback was ‘wait slow down you talk too fast’ s o o o o .#ig i’ll have to guide them though again in the morning though. sighs. this wasnt in my job description :(#speaking of job descriptions though… this h e l l a annoying guy no one likes who resigned a few months ago (to much rejoicing)…#is!!!!! coming!!!! back!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa #w h y. like. w h y. why is he so attached to this company he l l o? why is our manager so attached to him helloooooooo????? why him???????#our workloads literally t r i p l e when he’s around bc he’s just the way he is. auauauauauauauauaaaaaaaaaaaa #aaaaaaaaaaa i dont wanna work aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa #science industry (derogatory) questionable laboratory conditions (derogatory)#felt cute; thought about retiring early idk

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be-good-to-bugs · 13 days

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you would think considering how much it loves sleeping that my body would, yknow, sleep when i ask it to. or even just when it has barely slept in days and im trying so hard to sleep

#the bin #uugghhhh i woke up at 1pm today bc my stupid idiot body refused to go to sleep at a reasonable time even tho i was alreday so sleep #deprived. i have to work at 6:30 tomorrow morning :/ so i guess i wont be sleeping till then bc i still have to clean stuff and shower #maybe maybe maybe ill get a nap in but idk. bleh. i hope after i get home my stupid body will sleep. its gonna have to bc i work 7 hours the #next day so i cant do that too sleep deprived. i really really hope i dont have to :( hhhh #i wanted so bad to get high last night mosty bc my body has been refusing to sleep this past week but my sister n her boyfriend didnt come #over so i wasnt able to get more edibles :( or boxes for packing. hhh. i need to move so soon! i have no idea what day its even gonna be yet #i badeky have an idea of how much its gonna cost either. they finally gave me a gas cost estimate afeyr ive been asking for 3 weeks #hhh. well. whatever. i only have 4 more shifts. im kinda sad tbh. i really like working here. my coworkers are so nice #tomorrow is probs the last time ill ever see my fav coworker. shes so nice. shes so nice she used he/him for me and calls me orb #i just mentioned the name in passing once after i changed my pronouns on my nametag and she noticed and she remember!#and before she used it for me she stopped and asked if i was comfortable with it or if i wanted to keep it private. i have never EVER met #another cis person who would even think to ask that. most cis people dont understand why you would care. shes like. the nicest person ive #ever ever met. why did i have to find such a great place to work in minnesota? well. even if i am super tired tomorrow morning itll probably #be ok. butbi really would prefer not to be.#i dont know why i havent been able to sleep properly. bleh. i do liek what edibles do to me its a fun time but its kinda annoying that i #cant use them very casually for sleep or pain. they incapacitate me for 14 hours minimum.#well. at least no matter how stressed i am abt everything. i will definitely be elsewhere in 18 days max. should be less than that.#i will miss this job and these coworkers but i am relived that i wont have to go to work for awhile. esp with this tooth pain.#and im so excited to be able to draw again! im glad im moving a month before artfight bc itll give me time to get shit prepped #i wanted so bad to participate last year but i wasnt able to come evn close to finishing any attacks bc i was too tired from working

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skrunksthatwunk · 1 month

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yeah i can't come to class today, sorry. yeah. yeah. it's cause my hair's too long. mhm. gonna put me out of commission til the weekend at least

#fuck it's too long it's too long it's too long hate hate hate hate hate kill kill kill #i am resisting the urge to cut it all off with scissors but just barely #i havent been able to go home lately and my clippers are there. fUCKK #ITS TOO LONG SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF HERE #i cant stop thinking about shaving my head again or at least cutting it short #it's summer i should have short hair summer is for short hair FUCKK THIS IS WEIRD #i feel like a sad stonermetal mushroom. in middle school. and NOT in a cool way if that wasnt clear!!#hhhhhhhhgnnnghfhn fuckk i feel so gross and weird #i didnt even do anything why are my spoons gone FUCKK. SHITITTTUJ DAMMIT #this is so dumb i literally skipped my second class for no reason and i have so mucj work but i didnt even do anything #i shoudktn be this out ofnit. euhhhhhghh #and i have a new friend and he really really wants to hang out and i dont hav.e the spoons #but i feel so bad.. and i have other ppl i wanna hang out with but i cant bring nyself to readh out #and even if they reached ouy i probably wouldnt be able to respond and i have to go see a show thid week too #bc theyre doing into the woods and i love that shit and i promised id go ans ive been lookign forward to it for months #but i cant. bwuhhhhhhhhghhhh #and i cant just tell the new friend i don't wanna hang out twice this week (one is the play) bc i blew him off all last week #i really dont wanna hurt his feelings but i really can't communicate like he wants me to. and ive kinda said that but still #mmmmmmnnnnuguhghh hes only doing it bc i mean a lot to him but it's moving so fast ans I can't really be there forbhim the way he probably #deserves.. i should probably eat skmething idk. eughhhhhhhhgghhghhggh. melting into a pile of slop and slurry rn #just gonna sink into my bed and not sleep and feel bad. hoorayy

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guinevereslancelot · 2 months

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my friend's baby was due six days ago and still isn't here. if he can hold on another 21 hours he can have an april birthday instead of march

#lowkey worried abt it bc i heard that the baby being over the due date by more than a few days can increase risk to the baby #i know my friend's doctors really wanted to induce a few days ago but she wanted to wait until labor happens naturally #but she agreed if he wasnt here by next week they could induce #so i think that would be monday #even tho technically sunday is the first day of the week they probably meant after the weekend #but if they did sunday he would be born on easter which is cool #but im hoping for asap basically bc she's getting pretty overdue and ik she's impatient and worried abt it and im a bit worried too tbh #i think she's still well within the range of normal but idk her doctor seemed worried days ago so idk #praying for a safe healthy delivery as soon as possible basically #so im actually joking i dont really want him to wait until april bc that would put him more than a week overdue #i havent heard from my friend in a day or two tho so i'd like to think the baby already came or she's already in labor at least #but tbh she would have told me

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wall-e-gorl · 7 months

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Hmm. fucked up I think

#i dont talk to people at work #a) horribly shy and b) private and c) words take a while to come to me on the morning (even tho i work mornings)#theres this newish guy at work? been there a few weeks?#im more open to the people that have been there for a while and then hes here and im quiet again #and i swear to god. if he thinks its a crush thing.#its not. its a 'new people need to pass a vibe check' thing #anyways i fucked up cause we stayed around work a little longer than usual and we made eye contact and my tired post work brain panicked #and i looked everywhere but him and he laughed.#i think he thinks its a crush thing and Guys I Am So Aro.#i am also So Not Out at work and Cant be for reasons #so even if i wasnt violently aro about it. how could i consider dating someone who doesnt even know my name #just. augh.

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nomaishuttle · 6 months

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its also like . ok sry im going on bc im tired and ive upset myself lol but its like. to have somebody who knows i grew up in poverty call me greedy and selfish bc he pressured me into moving up here when i didnt have the money so i Had to rely on him financially. and then i couldnt pay him back while i was literally unemployed. to have him call me greedy and selfish and entitled and lazy was. insanely upsetting

#like he knew that a lot of the money i earned went directly to paying my families bills and literally feeding them and he still. said that #to me. and then when i got upset he spun it as me being irrational and playing the victim and always guilttripping him like. idk. idk.#i try rly hard not to think abt that bc it just makes me feel horrific but like. i was already so insanely paranoid about spending money #any Non essential purchase made me spiral and then that just made it. so much worse . i told him from the start i didnt have much money and #he said it was fine and i told him from the start id pay him back as quickly as i could and he said it was fine and then he just #he completely ghosted me he never talked to me he slept downstairs and he spent more time with one of our roommates than he did me #and now i. know why he did that lol #but whatever. but he iced me out and the only time he ever talked to me was to tell me i was being greedy for not paying him back #or if i literally fuckjng. begged him to do skmething with me #and then hed spend like 1 hour completely checked out but technically sitting in the same room as me and i just. idk. that relationship #genuinely like. fucked me up. and now i reakize it wasnt Just since i moved here and a lot of the like. stripping me of.my identity and #pressuring me into doing. certain things when i wasnt comfortable with them and guilttripping me if i did try to stand up for myself. now i #realize that had been going on nearly since the start but it fucking. rly hurts. basically #and to top it all of he knew i struggle with very severe depression and i have since i was a kid and he knew i specifically struggle a lot #with hygiene and he knew how gross that makes me feel. and he still called me disgusting for it. and in every argument he had he would #hold the fact i owed him money over my head and i judt. i dont know what i was supposed to do. and i realize now there was jothing bc he #was already. yk. and probably had been for a while but it just. rly fucking sucks basically.#like even now a few months out i get genuinely nauseous when i buy something that isnt Absolutely essential.#and i try to force myself to buy like. a small nice thing for myself every once in a while i buy 1 coffee and 1 breakfast food every week #on saturday to try n like. make sure i know its ok 4 me to do that and it doesnt make me selfish but like. it still makes me feel sick

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transmogrified-in-the-void · 1 year

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I've been going through a very interesting, and important gender and gender presentation journey over the past four months, which culminated into a comment that has been bothering me for a while.

Since about mid-September, I've been slowly gaining a lot of self-confidence for various reasons, and I've also been looking at the parts of myself that I've hidden underground inside my mind for a long while. Including my own feelings about my own femininity.

For those who have known me for a while, you'll know I've always been more masculine leaning in presentation and gender. As it turns out, I sort of pendulum swing across the entire spectrum.

Me and the friend who's been by my side this entire journey (who, funnily enough, is the only allocishet friend I have), had this inside joke with each other that if I showed up to a meeting with the gang in a skirt they wouldn't know what to do. And so we eventually got me a skirt.

I can't begin to describe the amount of pure bliss I felt when I saw myself in it. I'd only felt that feeling once before, when my dad put one of his old ties on me for a fun little game we were playing in 2020. The only difference was that when that happened, I was still in denial about who I was. When I looked in the mirror, it was something I couldn't even begin to grasp onto. When I looked into the mirror just barely two weeks ago, I finally saw me.

And so we ended up making a whole "scene girl" outfit for me. This was revealed in almost its entirety a few days later, and we were right. They really didn't know what to do with me. With the exception of my mom and one of my oldest friends (who both said I looked cute, and I did! I felt cute!), the actual group I hang around with didn't know how to react to it. One of my friends just ignored the whole thing like it was normal (hurtful, but it's whatever), another kept asking when it happened and trying to wrap his head around the change (funny), and one eventually ended up saying something that's been bothering me.

Initially, they were really surprised I had legs because he forgot that I did. But later, when we were talking about a character that me and the aforementioned friend had made for a sitcom (a transman who dresses femininely for the most part), he turned to me and said "so like you, a transmasc drag queen".

While yes, that fits that character fairly well, it didn't sit right when about me. Because no, as it turns out, I'm not a transmasc drag queen. I'm not really . . . anything. When I dress more masculine, it's queer because it borders on tomboy/butch and transmasc (which, I know those terms can coexist, but I'm using it as a scale of masculinity because I can't explain it any other way), and when I dress femininely it's also queer because I'm someone who inherently goes towards androgyny/masculinity as my comfort expression.

Here's the funny part, though. Of the four people I hang around, three are queer in some way. The only one, the only one, who saw that I'm fine with fluidity in pronouns, jokes about my gender, and just sort of knew from the beginning that I was suppressing my femininity (which he told me after the Skirt Moment, so that was a fun night), was allocishet. I could get into all the weird shit that has gone on with me and the group, but the least queer person in the group understood, almost immediately, that I, the most verbally and visually queer of the group, enjoy funny little gender jokes. Hell, a few days after meeting I was doing something in my friend's kitchen and he said "oh sorry I was raised in a republican household, if there's someone in the kitchen I assume it's a woman".

So I guess what I'm saying, right now, is that I'm not any particular gender identity, I'm not trans anything, I don't really enjoy the fit of genderqueer even, I just. Am. And I wish that people irl would be willing to have fun with that more, rather than being so fucking afraid that I'm going to have a breakdown and kill someone for misgendering me.

#also this is like. really small.#but that allocishet friend didn't know my pronouns for the first week knowing me and when i wasnt there was she/her-ing me #and everyone would just. death glare him??? and not correct him???#like he was supposed to know???#one whole week of it happening!!! and he had to go and ask because they wouldnt tell him!!! like what!!!#its just. so weird that my friends are so protective of my identity in places that i dont give a fuck???#meanwhile one of their moms is protective of me because. and i quote. 'payton will give up things for others that they care about at their #own detriment' like that is the second most accurate reading of me anyone has given #idk i could get into the small shit that this group does #like how i used to talk about being in a constant state of disassociation and it was just 'eyyyy cool! me too sometimes!!'#or how i make a joke that im constantly touch starved and they still dont even really want me to hug them or anything????#idk small shit like that #or paytonisms #but i love them #so yeah. heres this ig ;-;#p bangs the keys

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