#he wouldnt push heroine into anything and

[dangaer]

listening to posthumous forgiveness after ages of not playing shins playlist really reminds me of just how complicated shin’s relationship with his own father is.  

both him and his mother were strongly isolated by the town because people assumed that either shin would grow up the same way his father was or simply that his mother had been the one to instigate / create such a happening. a lot of their old friends left them, the neighbourhood kids picked on shin and his mother found it difficult to keep any form of social life. the only people who actually decided to keep by their side being both heroine and toma’s families ( though shin’s mother had guessed that more to be out of their childrens friendship for shin out of anything else, but kept such thoughts to herself ). such a situation had damaged his parents relationship to the point where his mother ended up divorcing him, and shin the majority of his childhood angry and upset towards his own father for creating such a situation, where he became cold and viewed as a monster for something he’d definitely never make himself do, and to see his mothers once happy expression become strained and ultimately haggard. 

despite this, it would be a lie to say he hates him. not to the standard he’d like people to, and definitely not in the way his mother had felt following such a situation. all of the memories shin holds of his father before the incident show him to be your average kind and loving man, who truly encouraged and wanted shin to do well as his own person. so much so, that despite the rage he felt, as shin grew up ... came to terms with attempting to understand the law, his friendships and those around him, it became clear that part of him still held a bleeding heart towards his father. so much so, from age 15, he ended up taking bi-monthly visits to his old man in prison. and while there was a lot of rage, negative and angry feelings, part of shin has come to terms with the situation, and began to try and create a sense of forgiveness towards the events that have happened. 

[cruecifymesixx]

Love and Leather /part Sixxty Eight/

Word Count:10.9k

A/N: continuation from 67! Enjoy! Feedback is always appreciated

Warnings: language, extreme angst, intense therapy sessions, SMUT(bear with me. I haven't wrote smut in a hot minute)

Taglist: @brideofdraculana , @xstarryeyesx​ , @aryssav , @miserablecunt , @dangerous-like-a-loaded-pistol , @fandomshit6000, @anntheboneless,, @venus-calum, @justjodeye,  @hi-my-name-is-riley, @extremesadnerding, @thatbandchick39, @awkwrdcait, @countrygirlswonderland @awesomealmostdopestudent,  @romanticvengeance , @tashy-bear, @krazykatkay456, @terror-triplet, @shouttatthedevill @beachystars, @rodriguez025, @kickstart-myheart-sixx, @s-outhie, @anxious-diabetic, @awkwardblackgirls, @rockersbox, @brooklyn-antiques, @shamelessobsessions, @jerseytaint, @lilytalebi, @criminalyetminimal, @motley-queen, @trapt-in-a-dream, @lunamadhatter99, @broke-n-bitchy,  @thanks2pete, @slowandangry, @lovesick-heart0, @keepcalm-and-beyou, @miriampraez, @teenwolflover28, @lilyhw1,  @motherloovebone, @random-internet-user-4471, @falcon-arrows, @talranocchia2001, @wheresmyvodkabitch, @waywardprincess666, @iluvmesomemarvelndc @zoenicoles, @vamprlestat, @supersoldierballerina, @primal-screamer @electradestiny, @marshbev, @n0-sh0rtage-0f-faults, @cruebaby, @ggorehorror, @valentines-in-london, @miss2001babe, @nassauartist @cmft-jr-winchester, @bokkie92, @notworthyofyou1120 @xrosegoldwolfx, @lauravic, @mgkobsessed, @chaoticvybe,   @thoughtsoftheantagonist @marvelismylifffe​,  @sleepyjunhong @lovemythsworld @sparxx27 @gingerspicetalks  @unknownoblivion @siliwanoel @nevergoodenuffbutokaaayyy @sublimeprincesswasteland @kylieinwonderland @haileynicoleseavey17 @lavendersoundbarrier @ijustwanttokiss70srogertaylor @kellysimagines @meetthesixxter, @duffshairdye, @xpoisonousrosesx​, @m0rnlngstar, @cranberrirolls, @oskea93, @love-struck-aries, @idumpyourgrass, @minxtruck, @i-want-to-shoot-myself, @cruesixxlover1991, @arianareirg, @fentitrbl, @dogmom2014, @sinningsixx, @motleycrueprincess​

*Nikki's POV*

"Nikki, Vanity is in the hospital. She doesnt want you here but im not taking Arianna to the hospital because I dont waknow what kind of condition Van is in. So, I need you to be here for your daughter, or are you actually the asshole I think you are?"

I stared down at the desk, trying to Process waht was going on, "Nikki? Did you hear me?" My stomach was twisting into knots as my heart felt like it was stuck in a vise grip.

"The hospital? Is-is she okay?" I breathed out the words. You know when you have those moments where it feels as if all time is standing still and you are the only person in the univer? Thats how i was feeling.

"I dont know Nikki! All i know is Arianna wasnt picked up from school. I found her waitin ginside when I left. I tried calling Vanity but she didnt answer and I had a voicemail from the hospital saying she was there and im her only emergency contact she has."

I reached for my water, dowing it until the bottle was empty, "Uh...uh...it's gonna take me hours to get there regardless..."

Clementine scoffed, "Unbelievable, do you not fucking hear me? Vanity is in the hospital!! The mother of your child and so called loved of your life needed medical attention!"

"It's gonna take me hours to get there..." I repeated.

"I don't give a shit Nikki. You have the fancy jet, use it."

I shook my head, "Look, im the last person Vanity wants to see right now. Can't you just send Ari to one of her friends or something.? Can't someone else watch her while you go to the hospital? Clementine, I'm across the country..."

She laughed, "As if I would send her to stay with Jason. I'm her only friend here, Nikki."

I felt my bood boil and my body become tense, "Ja-Jason? She's talking to Jason?" My jaw was clenched as I galred at the doorway, seeing Brandi scowling against it.

"Well Nikki, if you had kept your promise Jason wouldnt be an option." I closed my eyes, breathing through my nose as I shook my head, "He's not a fucking option!!" I yelled back in defense, "He aint even a fucking blimp."

"Are you coming or not? Arianna has already been so upset and stressed out lately. I don't want her to be upset even more. Trust me, Vanity feels the same way."

I glared at Brandi, "Just give me a few hours." I watched as she threw her arms up and shook her head.

"You fucked up this time. I mean it. You can ignore Vanity, but you dont lie to your kid."

"I know! I know! I just...look I'll explain everything whenI get there, alright?" I retorted as I hung up the phone and looked at Brandi, "You! It's all your fucking fault!"

Brandi was appalled, "Me? I did nothing! You were the one who didnt call and kept saying you were too busy! Don't put that on me!"

"I did nothing." I mocked her voice, walking past her and to my bedroom, "As if you didn't fuckin use coke and your body to make stay with you."

I shook my head, quickly grabbing garments from the closet and throwing them on my bed, "Filled my head with bullshit!" I shouted as I threw the duffle bag on the bed next.

Brandi laughed, "Oh come on Nikki. You know who you really want."

I shook my head, trying to rid my ears of her nasaly voice, "Yeah, now I do! Now that I know my daughter has been crying over me and that Vanity is in the hospital! It takes her getting hurt to make me realize it!" I screamed, watching her flich at the loudness, "It always takes Vanity getting hurt to make me fucking realize how much of an asshole I am!!"

God, I fucking hope she's okay.

"Oh my god, she's probably being dramatic! Nikki, please don't go. I just got you back, stay here with me. Please baby?"

"Why?! So you can keep ruining my fucking life? So you can keep going on the lavish trips and shopping sprees?! Fuck you and fuck off! I'm done. If I get back and your shit is still here, I'm burning this fucking house to the ground with you and your shit in it!" I threatened, grabbing my bag and then my car keys right after.

"I'm serious, Brandi. I am done. I'm signing the papers and giving them back to the lawyers."

*A few hours later*

I got out of the rental car, slamming the door as I parked outside Vanit's apartment building. I went inside, repeatedly pushing the elevator button until it opened,. I stood in the elevator, pushing my hair out of my face as I tried collecting my thoughts. I had called Clementine on the plane and she said she was at Vans house waiting for me. I couldn't wait to see Arianna.

The door slid open on her floor as I speed walked down the hallway before I was face to face with her front door. I knocked and waited until it opened.

"Took you long enough." Clementine answered, a bitchy glare on her face as I sighed, "I'm sorry, okay! I am sorry!" I said, almost out of breath as I looked at her.

"I am not the one you need to apolgize too." She snapped at me as my eyes glanced over to Arianna who was staring at me from across the living room.

"Pumpkin.." I got down on one knee, smiling at her, "I've missed you."I frowned when she completely ignored me and walked straight to Clementine.

"I want Mommy." She whsipered, pulling on Clem's hand and looking up at her.

"I'm gonna go get her babe, okay?" I tried reassuring her, but all i got in return was mean glare.

Clementine smirked as I straightened back up, "Good luck, hope you come back in one piece."

*Vanity's POV*

I glared at the wall, sitting uncomfortable as ever with my arm in a sling, dried blood around my nose and six stitches on my forehead. My glare then went to the nurse who entered my hospital room. "Can I just fucking get something for pain?! I'm dying here!!" I yelled at her, they've ignored my requests three fucking times!!

"Hello! Are you fucking stupid or something?!" I groaned, pushing the bed side table towards the nurse as she was standing at the counter.

"And something other then god damn ice chips?!" I shouted grabbing the pink plastic cup and throwing  it out into the hallway.

The nurse turned towards me, "Ma'am, you need to behave. r I will get psych down here to take you to thier side of the hospital. You understand me?" She berated me like a fucking child as I looked away from her and out the window, "I will work on getting you something to drink. Buut I cannot give you any medications." I rolle dmy eyes, pulling my arm away from her touch as she tried to wrap the blood pressure cuff around my bicep.

"Do you have any recollection of what you have put into your system? cocaine and diamorphine were all found in your blood system."

"What the actual fuck is diamorphine?" I qustioned her, rubbing my temples as I felt myself becoming irritated even more.

"Plus, when you came in your blood alcohol contenet was at a point one five and thats three times the legal limit in the state of New York." I looked at the banana bag I was hooked up too, "Diamorhpine is heroin, Vanity."

"Jason..." I mentally cursed him out, "I don't do heroin." I told her as she looked at me with the same look she probably gives other druggies taht tell her the same exact thing.

"Well, we did have difficulty setting up an IV, your veins are shot in both your arms. Luckily, we were able to get the veins in your hands to cooperate or we would have had to do a pick line straight to your heart."

I shook my head, "I don't do heroin. The blow was probably mixed with the heroin. I wouldn't willingly touch heroin. I didn't- I wouldn't."

"You are very lucky the car accident wasn't your fault, but the police will be in touch with you later to get your statement. May I take your vitals now?" The nurse, whose name tag read Margie questioned as I nodded.

"Statement? I don't rember anything. When can I go home? I have a daughter-" I gasped, "I have... i have to call Clementine!" I tried getting out bed but the nused pushed me back gently by my other shoulder.

"Our charge nurse has already conta ted her, now please, relax. I'm sure your child is fine." I took some deep breaths as I relaxed into the stiff bed, "Now, since youre awake and coherent, you dislocated your shoulder and you have a concussion so no blood thinner or it could make it worse. You had a minor laceration on your forehead but the doctor took care of it."

"Sorry to interrupt you Margie, but your patients husband is here." Another female nurse stated.

"I don't have a husband." I told them and right on queue, the blood pressure monitor started beeping eratticaly when I saw Nikki.

"Get out!! I don't want him here!!" I picked up a cup of jello, chucking it as hard as I could at him but he ended up catching it in his hands.

"I thought you said you were her husband?"

"I'd rather fucking kill myself than be married to him!"I shouted at the nurse, her eyes widening at my statement.

"Margie, should I call psych?"

Nikki put the cup of lime green jello on the counter, taking hesitant steps towards me, "I am just here to take you home. Clem called me and I just flew on the jet all the way here. She's with Arianna, she didn't want her to worry."

"You're her ride home?" Nikki nodded, "No! I'm not going anywher with this psycho!" I motioned to Nikki as he frowned.

"Doll, please?"

I pointed my finger at him, "Don't do that to me, Nikki! Don't look at me like that and don't talk to me like that!"

He rolled his eyes, completely ignoring me as he started talking with the nurse, "Can i have her discharge papers, please? She'll be safe with me. She's just a little uh...pissed off at me at the moment. It's nothing new." Nikki tried to laugh as I glared at him and as the jurses looked a bit weary.

"Do you have another ride, Vanity?"

I exhaled in a defeated manenr, "No. I don't."

"Why don't you step outside with our charge nurse while wehelp her get dressed an situated with the sling." Margie explained to Nikki, motioning to the door as he nodded and stepped out.

I pulled up my jeans after they handed them to me followed by my booths. The nurses helped me put my shirt on, with minimal complaints from me about my shoulder hurtinbefore hanging my jacket off my shoulders.

"Van, look, I don't want to be here-"

"You should want to be here, Nikki!" I shouted at him in the middle of the hospital, feeling other doctors and nurses look at us.

"Stop it! Just let me finish! I meant here, in the hospital with you! Clem called and here I am! So i'll take you home and just fucking go back to California if thats's what you want, alright!?" Nikki raised his voice as I stared at him in disbelief.

I vocally let out a "Ugh!" before pushing him to the side, "I can't stand you!"

"Yeah, just keep it coming Vanity. Tell me how much you hate me!" Nikki followed with heavy footsteps as we evenutally made it outside of the hospital, "Fuckin telll me Van! Tell me how horrible I am and how much of an asshole I am! Let's get it out of the way now princess!"

I quickly turned around, shoving him with my free arm repeatedly, "Where were you?!" I yelled, "You bastard! I can't fucking believe you would do this!" I shoved his chest again, forcing him to lean back into the wall as I continued to do so, "i'm so fucking sorry wer're such a bruden to you and your wife!"

"She's not my wife! I was busy!" He defended himself as I shoved him again, "Vanity, knock it off!"

"Busy with what Nikki?! Tommy's been here so don't even tell me it's the band and I highly doubt divorce papers take three months to sign!"

"She tried getting me to stay and-"

"Tried?! Nikki, you did stay! You chose her over me, not even me but your fucking daughter!" I shoved him again, but this time he grabbed my arm and forced it to my side.

"Calm down, now!" He lowered his head, shouting in my face as I fought his grip, "She's getting her shit out while im here! My marriage to her is over! Alright?! Stop acting like a fucking bat out of hell!"

I forced my wrist away from his grasp, "Just take me to my daughter."

"I'm sorry, Vanity. I really am."

I rolled my eyes, opening up his car door before sitting down, "Fucking save it Nikki. You're always sorry."

When we arrived at my apartment door, I unlocked it and tried slamming it in Nikk's face but he stopped it from closing.

"Mommy!" I sighed, trying to keep my tears in check as I picked up Arianna and gave her a hug.

"Oh baby, I'm so sorry. Mom got into a little trouble and she had to go see the doctors, but im okay now." I smothered her cheeks in kisses, "Pizza and cookies? Wow! Did you tell Auntie Clem thank you?"

Arianna giggled, "We made them for you! And we saved some pizza. Auntie said you would be grumpy and hungry when you got home." I smiled, silently thanking Clementine.

"Boo boo?" Arianna frowned as she pulled on the swing a bit.

I nodded and brushed my finger over her cheek, "Yeah angel, a really big boo boo but i'll be better in no time." I smiled as she kissed my cheek. I saw her then look over my shoulder as I sighed and put her down on the floor, "You should go say hi to daddy while he's here..."

Arianna glared at him before she loooked up at me, "I saw him already."

"Nikki took a few steps before crouching down to her height, "I've missed you princess." He smiled at her and fixed a loose strand of her hair, "Dad's been busy.." Arianna wasn't buying his bullshit either as she walked away from him and went to play with the scattered toys in the living room.

Nikki, the six foot and buck seventy five man that he is, got on his hands and knees and crawled over to her, "You got new toys? Those are pretty cool."

"I want to play by myself." Arianna told him, moving all of her toys away from Nikki and putting them in front of her.

I felt Clementines glaring at me, "I am fine."

"Oh really now?" She laughed a bit, "What the hell even happened Vanity?"

I motioned her to come over to the table and sit down with me so our conversation would be out of earshot from both Nikki and Arianna.

"You cannot get mad, alright? But I maybe snorted a bit too much and drank a little, or a lot. I don't remember crashing, and I sure as hell don't remember getting to the hospital-" I laughed, "And get this, heroin was mixed in with the blow I got from Jason. Isn't that hilarious?"

"Vanity..."

"No worries! It's all good!" I reassured Clementine with a pat on the arm, "I'm fine, I mean kinda. My shoulders dislocated and I have a concussion. They flushed my system, I'm good! I'm great!" I shrugged it off like it was nothing as Clem wore an upset look on her face.

She took off her glasses, rubbing her temples before she looked at me, "Good/" Good until Jason gives you more drugs?"

"I'm not. I'm done. I finished off what he had gave me, I told myself that's all I would do. I'm sorry clem."

She scoffed, "Sorry?" Vanity, you could've been seriously injured or worse. You're wasting money on this crap!" Clementine raised her voice just a tad.

"Well, so what if I am? It's not like I'm broke or poor." i retorted, glancing over and seeing Nikki attempt to get into Arianna's good graces.

"Nice, real nice Vanity." I looked back at Clem, seeign her stone cold glare.

"What?!" I gave her a confused expression, "That was not a shot at you if that's what you are thinking. You're not broke or poor. Your paintings sell and I give you money for being her babysitter."

"I said I wanna play alone!!" We both turned our heads when Arianna had yelled at Nikki, "Give me my dolly!" She yelled again, snatching it out of his hands.

"Princess, I am sorry I've been gone." Nikki spoke with hurt in his voice as he stared at her in shock before he glanced at me for guidance.

"Arianna, c'mon. You can't just ignore me." Nikki smiled before ticking her sides.

I watched as she pushed his hands away from her, "Go away."

"She's as stubborn as you are." Clementine mumbled to me as I nodded.

"I don't want to play with you." Arianna muttered as she moved away from Nikki completely, taking her toys with her but he only followed after her.

"Daddy just has stuff to take care of in California, ya know?" Nikki spoke softly as he laid on his side and tinkered with one of her toys.

"Go back to 'fornia!"

Nikki sighed, narrowing his eyes at her, "Arianna, do not yell at me."

"You lied! Mommy said you lied!"

Remind me to stop gossiping with Clementine while Arianna is within the same vicinity.

Nikki side eyed me before turning his attention back to her, “Babe, I-I didn’t lie. I told you I’d be back and I’m here now.”

“You stutter!”

“Arianna, I didn’t lie to you! Stop yelling at me!” Nikki raised his voice, not necessarily yelling at her but he was stern.

“Liar!” Arianna shouted, throwing her doll at Nikki’s face before she ran down the hallway to her bedroom. I heard her attempt to slam her door but since little tiny fingers and door jams don’t mix well, I had put foam at the top of the wooden frame.

Nikki mumbled as he got off the floor, “Just like your mother.”

“I think maybe you should go…” I told him as his eyes darted over to me.

Nikki shook his head, “I flew all the way out here. She can be stubborn all she damn well pleases, but I’m not leaving.”

“Then you should have called. Kids aren’t stupid.”

I closed my eyes, wishing Clementine had not put her two cents in as I felt Nikki’s anger rise even more.

“Stay the fuck out of it! It isn’t any of your god damn business!” He snapped at her quickly as she rolled her eyes before she stood up and started grabbing her things.

“Clem..” I spoke softly as I watched her shake her head, probably plotting how to murder Nikki and get away with it.

“Not a single fucking thank you for making sure your kid doesn’t know you like to come home high and pass out. That she doesn’t know how much of a fucking asshole her father is.”

I glared at Nikki as he rolled his eyes at me and went to sit down on the couch, “Clementine, I’m sorry. But thank you for making sure Arianna is always safe. I love you?”

She sighed, glancing at me as she looked back at Nikki, “I love you too…just call if you need me okay? Maybe take your mutt to go get neutered, he likes pissing on everything.”

I tried to keep my laughter in, “Bye Clementine, Thank you.”

I closed the door, turning around and leaning against it as Nikki stood in the middle of my living room.

“Can we please talk now? Just you and me.” I watched as he fiddled with his thumbs as I went to the fridge and grabbed my bottle of wine and glass from the cupboard.

“I don’t think you should be drinking if you…” Nikki stopped talking as he was met with my death glare. I sat down on the couch as he sat down next to me.

“You were gone for months, Nikki. You didn’t even call! You barely called at first and then it just stopped. How is that suppose to make me feel? To make your daughter feel?” I expressed my grievances as I poured the sweet red into the glass.

“Vanity, I’m sorry.” He placed his hand on my knee, “I fucked up. I really fucked up. She…Brandi gave me coke and it had me going for a minute. I was an idiot.”

“Blow? She gave you blow? I introduced you to your fucking child and you just run back to la la land because of some fucking dust? Prioritize what’s important to you, Nikki!”

Nikki shook his head, “I thought…I just thought maybe you didn’t really want me back, that it was all just a one time thing.”

That alone sent a knife straight through my heart, “A one time thing?” I stared at him, “After the night we spent together before you left, you really thought that was a one time thing? I wouldn’t of said the things I said if it was just a one time thing.”

“Babe, I was just…she fucking cornered me and it was a moment of weakness.”

I laughed in his face, “More like a moment of stupidity. Let me guess, she offered a few lines to you with her mouth wrapped around your dick again?”

Nikki took the glass of wine out of my hand before pulling me towards him, “I am sorry, okay? I messed up. I listened to the wrong person. I made a horrible mistake. I promise darling, I’m not going anywhere. I’m done leaving. I should have never went back there to begin with, should’ve made the lawyers fly out here.”

I felt his hand wrap around mine as his thumb brushed over my bruised knuckles, “How do I know that Nikki? That you just won’t leave again? That I won’t have to think of some bullshit reason to tell Ari why you aren’t here.”

“Because I’m not going anywhere Van, I swear to god I’m not leaving again. I’m not leaving unless you and her come back home with me. Brandi’s gone, princess. It’s done. She used coke because she knows it’s one of my weaknesses right after you.”

“Why does she have such a hold on you Nikki? I saw the pictures in the magazine. You two looked so happy.” I felt my chest get heavy as tears started building up.

Nikki kissed the back of my palm, “Those pictures were a bunch of lies doll, you have to believe me Vanity. I had to stay at a hotel for a few days after cause I felt so…so fake and wrong. I just wanted to hide and disappear from the world.”

Nikki wiped my cheek with a finger, “Why didn’t you come back to me right after that? You could’ve came here Nikki.”

I saw tears in his hazel eyes, “I-I was scared. Scared that the weeks I spent here with you and her was too good to be true. That all of this was happening again. It’s us Vanity, when are the cards ever in our favor?”

“We have some pretty shitty cards dealt for us, huh?” I laugh as I wipe his tears from the corner of his eye, “Please stop hurting me.” I begged him as I cupped his jaw, feeling the muscle relax underneath, “I’d wait forever for you, Sixx. I’m stupid for doing it, but I would do it in every universe.”

Nikki frowned, “I know. I know. I won’t, I promise. Please…please don’t take me out of yours and her lives. I want to be apart of it.”

“Nikki, that’s all based on your behavior. Not mine.”

He nodded, “Okay, fine. Where…where can I start? What do you want me to do.” He was acting like an attentive puppy waiting for his next treat.

“Can you get Arianna ready for bed?”

Nikki laughed, “How hard could that even be?”

*Nikki’s POV*

I had chased Arianna round the house for the past hour, even tripping and almost falling over rugs and her toys that were every where. I chased Arianna into her room as she laughed her ass off. No, this wasn’t a fun game of chase.

“Arianna, time for bed. Now!” I grabbed her as she started laughing more. I carried her to her bedroom before pulling down her blankets and putting her in bed.

“You aren’t the boss of me!” She said, kicking the blankets off and attempting to get out of bed. I’d be willing to let her but it was already nine at night.

I lightly pressed on her shoulders, putting her Back down, “Arianna, do you want me to use my mean voice? Bed, now. Or you won’t like it when you don’t get any cookies or TV tomorrow.”

Her big brown eyes turned to saucers, “You’re being a poo poo head!” She shouted, tugging the blanket away from my hand.

“Yeah, and you’re being a brat. Go to sleep.” I realized that was too harsh when her bottom lip quivered.

“You’re being mean!” She pouted as she grabbed her stuffed animal and turned on her side and faced the wall.

“Goodnight angel.” I muttered before turning off her ceiling light and plugging in her night light, “Or demon.” I whispered as I stepped out of her room and closed the door.

I walked into the kitchen, seeing Vanity downing some whiskey. She had just taken her pain pills not even thirty minutes ago, “Maybe you need help. Rehab or something.” I told her softly as she shook her head and put the bottle back in the fridge

“Van, you got into a car accident. We’re lucky this wasn’t another Razzle incident….” I trailed off as she stared at me in disbelief.

“Nik, it was just a fluke accident. Plus, the person in front of me was driving like an idiot. I’m fine.”

I raised an eyebrow, “Fluke accident? Vanity, I ended up dying and coming back. If I had someone tell me then I wouldn’t have gone through all that. And you especially wouldn’t have had to find me in my closet after.”

Vanity rolled her eyes, “Literally everyone did tell you to slow down…”

“And did I listen? No, I was too late and I was lucky to come back from it. Don’t you get it doll?”

She huffed and puffed, “You’re being dramatic. I’m not going to die. I don’t over do it like you. Jason just had a bad batch that was mixed with…” I waited for her to say it, “He gave me blow that was mixed with smack.”

”Oh, speedballs. Next thing you know you’ll be freebasing.” I retorted as she let out a gasp, “I would never do that! Listening to you and reading those journals you had were scary.”

I chuckled, “Scary? Well, seems like you’ll be looking for something more intense soon enough. It’d be a shame to make Arianna go through what you went through with me.”

Vanity shook her head, “I would never go out looking for something stronger and I would never do that to Arianna.” She defended herself as this argument was now becoming amusing to me.

“That’s what I said too. You know, you act as if I was never a drug addict. She’s not gonna be able to tell you to stop, she’s a kid Van. I had to watch my mom do this shit.”

She glared at me, “Because I’m not an addict like you Nikki. I’m not hiding in closets and I never do this stuff around her. Yeah, Jason comes over but we don’t do drugs here.”

I shook my head, “A guy you shouldn’t even be associating with in the first place! He’s bad fucking news, Van.”

“What are you? My fucking dad?” Vanity snapped quickly as we stared at one another.

“Fine, do whatever the hell you want. I’m gonna go find a hotel and I’ll be back in the morning.” I grabbed my jacket off the chair as I walked past her, “Goodnight V.” I spat out hastily as I opened up the front door.

I felt her hand wrap around my wrist as I hung my head down low and exhaled, “What? We’re just pissing each other off. You’re on edge because you were forced to detox at the hospital and not thinking rationally. You really want to argue more, Vanity?”

She shook her head as her hand moved to mine, holding it tightly, “I want you to stay with me, please?”

My eyes met hers, seeing the pain and vulnerability in them, “I’ll relax, okay? I’m fine. I just want you to stay with us. You’ve been gone way to long.”

She pulled me inside, walking backwards as she played with the rings on my fingers, “You relax too. I can tell you’re upset.”

I pulled my hand away from her, “Van, why do you think I’m upset? Clementine called me saying you were in the hospital? Do you even have a clue what I thought was wrong? That maybe Arianna would be without a mother and I wouldn’t have you anymore? Do you know how terrifying that is for me? You’ve been the only constant, besides the band in my life. You’re all I have Vanity…and I already had to experience life without you and I don’t want to do it again.” I sat down on the couch as she sat down next to me, her back resting against the arm as she looked at me.

“I’m fine Nikki.” I shook my head, “No you are not. You aren’t fine and you haven’t been fine for a while. Is this…is this because of me? You doing this to yourself. The drugs? The drinking? Hanging around Jason?”

Vanity played with the ends of her hair, picking off dry blood as she looked at me, “I don’t know…” I rested my hand on her knee, brushing my thumb across her skin, “It’s…it’s not because of you. It’s because of the hurt and the pain you cause. I’m high and I don’t think or feel it. It numbs it..”

I laid my head against the back of the couch, “Have you gone to your therapist lately? If you don’t want to go to rehab then you need to be going to therapy.”

“No, I haven’t.” She mumbled as I groaned.

“Vanity, you need too! I’ll make an appointment for you.” I looked at her, seeing her staring down at her nails until I put my hand under her chin to make her look at me, “I think you need to come back home. You live where there’s a dealer around every corner and back alley. You’ll never get clean here.”

Her eyebrows tightened together, “I’m not leaving New York.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want too!” She quietly shouted, “Arianna was born here, this is all she’s known, Nikki.” She expressed her concerns as I listened.

“I understand that, but don’t you think she’d love to see the ocean? Be near me instead of only flying out when I can? She’s a kid Van, she can adjust. I think it’s only you who doesn’t want to come back home.” Vanity looked away from me, wiping her cheeks as I kissed the top of her knee before resting my chin against it.

“Then I’ll fly her out to see you or something. There’s an ocean here too, ya know? You moved around so many times as a kid and look what it did to you. I don’t want that for her.”

“I’m move here, then.”

Her lips parted, “You can’t move here. Everything for you is in Los Angeles, the band, the music. Not New York Nikki, no. I won’t let you do that.”

“Fuck the band, Vanity! I have enough money to not need the band for a while. I want you and I want our daughter, nothing else. I want you.” I told her as she wiped her tears away again and looked at me, “I want you the only way I know you. I want you to be okay again, to be a good mom and to be my best friend. If you don’t want to be my girl just yet, fine. Arianna can just take your place.”

Vanity broke out into a beautiful smile, “The only girl that’s ever allowed to to take my place.” She rested her hand against my jaw, thumb grazing over my cheek, “I still love you Nikki.”

“I still love you more.”

I let out a sigh, I guess we'll save the coming back home argument for another day.

*A few days later, Vanity’s POV*

“Mommy..” I opened up my eyes, glancing over at the clock and saw that it was seven in the morning, “Daddy’s making breakfast and I don’t want to eat it.”

I chuckled, sitting up carefully and resting my shoulder against the pillow, “And whys that?”

She shrugged, “Cause he’s a poo poo head and he’s being mean to me.”

I stared at her, brushing her messy hair out of her face “Quit calling him that Ari. You know, you’re probably hurting his feelings. He said he was sorry, you’re being stubborn like me.”

“I am not stu-stubborn!” She defended herself as she crossed her arms over her chest and gave me the stink eye.

I grabbed her and put her off to the side as I got out of bed, “Let’s go get ready for school and then you’re eating whatever your dad made.” Arianna crawled out of my bed as she started running to her room, “Am not!!” I followed her and went to her closet to pick out an outfit.

“Get dressed and I’ll do your hair after you eat breakfast.” I repeated myself, “No!!!” I chuckled as her tiny hands pushed me out of her bedroom.

I walked down the hallway and into the kitchen seeing Chef Sixx attempting to flip pancakes, “Ow! Fucking piece of shit!” He shouted as the bacon popped oil onto him as he turned it.

“Need some help?” I asked him as he turned around to look at me, laughing as he did so

“Ha! Yeah right! I’m not letting you anywhere near this until it’s done. I’m not eating burnt bacon or doughy pancakes.” He continued to laugh as he started cracking eggs in a bowl before whisking them.

“I’ve learned to cook.” I mumbled as I sat down on the barstool, Nikki handing me a cup of coffee right after.

“Two sugars and a lot of creamer, right?” He questioned a smile on his face as he held up the spatula. I nodded and took a sip.

“How was the couch?” My lips tugged in a crooked smile as he had an unamused expression on his face.

“It was fine. Would prefer to keep your bed warm. But…it was fine.” Nikki exasperated, “I had Arianna’s fairy blanket to keep me warm since you didn’t give me a blanket or a pillow.”

I looked at Nikki, taking another sip of coffee “You didn’t ask for anything last night. So how am I suppose to know?”

Nikki scoffed as he turned towards the stove and continued cooking, “Keep it up and you won’t get any of this.”

I shook my head, “Not hungry anyways.” I smiled when Arianna came out into the kitchen, glaring at Nikki as she climbed up on the barstool next to me.

“Well too bad, you’re gonna eat. You’re too skinny still.” Nikki stares as he put a plate of mini blueberry pancakes, eggs and bacon in front of Arianna.

“Am not.” I told him as I watched Arianna push the plate away from her, “Are too. Your ass is getting smaller.”

Jeez, thanks asshole. As if I can’t see the weight loss when I look in the mirror.

I bit down on the inside of my cheek, “Eat your breakfast Ari so we can finish getting ready.”

She stuck her nose up, turning her head away, “I’m not eating that. It’s gross.”

I sighed, “How would you know that? You haven’t even taken a bite yet. Eat, now.”

“It’s gross cause he made it.” She spoke in a matter of fact type of tone, sticking her tongue out at Nikki, “Can I have cereal? I don’t want it.”

Nikki put a plate in front of me, “Look, I’ll eat mine if you eat yours.” I took a bite of the pancakes, moaning as they were good, “Holy crap.” I started shoveling them into my mouth. We’re they that good? Probably not. But I can’t remember the last time I ate something sufficient.

“Can I have yours?” I looked at Ari as she tried reaching for my bacon until I handed it to her, “Babe, you’re eating the same thing as me.” I chuckled as she took her own little pink fork and took a bite from my pancakes.

“I’m gonna go freshen up.” Nikki muttered as he tried smiling at Arianna who still returned a mean little glare towards him. He frowned before leaving the kitchen.

“You know…you can’t be mad at him forever.” I told Arianna as she started eating off her own plate.

“Yes I can.” She stared at me, “…not nice.” She said, mouth full of sugary syrup and pancakes as I shook my head.

“Daddy’s nice and you know it. You’re not being nice to him, calling daddy mean names and not talking to him. He loves you Ari and he’s sorry for what he did.”

“Fine. No more poo poo head.” She giggled before she continued eating. I kissed her forehead before hopping off the chair. I walked down the hallway, yawing as I headed to my bedroom to straighten up and get dressed for the day.

After the morning routine was over and Arianna was ready for the day, she wanted her hair braided with one of her pink bows at the end of it. I slipped on a pair of shoes and slipped a jacket over my shoulders, wincing at the discomfort of putting my arm back in the sling.

“You could ask for help..” Nikki said, watching me struggle before coming over and helping anyways.

“Thanks.” I muttered, “Ari, you ready to go?” I asked her as she climbed off the couch and grabbed her backpack.

Arianna looked up at me and Nikki, “Will you walk me to my class?” She asked Nikki as he smiled at her before patting the top of her head, “Of course I will.”

When we arrived at her school a little while later, Arianna gave me a big kiss goodbye handing her a pink lunchbox right after, “I’ll pick you up later, okay?” I told her as she nodded and grabbed Nikki’s hand, tugging him towards the doors. I got back in the car, sitting down as I listened to the radio.

I glanced over seeing Nikki’s wallet was dropped on the floorboard. I reached down and grabbed it. I looked towards the doors and chuckled to myself. His wallet was stuffed full of cash. He’s such a hypocrite sometimes. He use to give me crap for always carrying around a lot of loose bills. I looked through his credit cards, he’s gotten two new ones that were a nice shiny black. I smiled at his goofy identification card, seeing him try to force a half assed smile. Nikki also had a guitar pick tucked inside the folds. A piece of paper was sticking out, but I realized it wasn’t a paper it was a picture. A picture of me and Arianna that Nikki had took when we spent the day at the boardwalk.

Through the tinted windows, I saw him coming back outside as I quickly stuffed the picture back in and tossed his wallet onto the seat, “Oh there it is. Thought I forgot it at your place.” Nikki grinned as he put his wallet in his back pocket.

“We have some where to be.” Nikki explained as he started driving away from the school.

I briefly glanced over, “Oh yeah? Where are we going?”

Nikki smiled at me, “You, Vanity Blackwood, have an appointment with your therapist.”

The smile fell from my face, turning into a scowl as I contemplated opening the door and jumping out, “You’re joking, right? Nikki c’mon.” I whined as I slumped back into the chair.

“Told you I was making you an appointment sweets. Did you think I was lying? You’re going and I’m gonna sit in there with you.”

*a little while later*

We sat side by side, knees resting against each other as we waited for my therapist to come in. I had my elbow perched up on the arm of the leather couch as I rested my cheek against my fist, watching the clock tick by slowly.

Nikki’s arm was wrapped around the back of the couch, his hand lightly rubbing my shoulder, “What time does Ari get out of school?”

With a monotone voice, “Three.”

I could heard the deep breath of annoyance as he took his arm and hand away from me and places his hands on his knees as he leaned over and grabbed some candy.

My ears perked up when I heard the door open, “Oh! I didn’t know we’d be having guests today. I’m Dr. Lilian Watson. Vanity, it is so nice to see you.”

“Yep, I’m here.” My voice oozed sarcastic cheer as I rolled my eyes, “This is Nikki.” I motioned to him as they shook each other’s hands.

“Oh…the Nikki. Vanity, I see there’s been some progress. What brings you in? It’s been a while since I’ve talked to you.”

I rolled my eyes at both the therapist and at Nikki, “He’s forcing me to be here

“She needed to come and see you.” Nikki butted in as I shook my head, growing more and more irritated.

Dr Watson adjusted in her chair, pushing her glasses up her nose, “Well Nikki, can you tell me why you think she needs to be here?”

Nikki chuckled, “She dislocated her shoulder last week due to driving under the influence of booze and narcotics. Busted her head open and had a bloody nose as well which is why I’m in New York to help her out but she’s not being appreciative of it.”

“Yeah, I see the sling.” She wrote some things down as I side eyed Nikki, “So, were still using?”

I reached for the bowl of candy on the table, “Not since the accident.” I shrugged and stuffed some m&ms into my mouth, “Incase you can’t tell, I’m being watched like a hawk. But I did stop for a while before then and then continued once I started hanging out with Jason again.”

“Who you shouldn’t even be hanging out with after last time.” Nikki butted in as I glared at him.

“I’m sorry? Are you my fucking husband?” I snapped, watching his eyebrows raise in surprise before turning away from me with a light shake of the head in disbelief.

“What happened last time?”

I groaned, “This was a bad idea.” I mumbled, eyes rolling as I sighed, “Jason got physical with me at the bar and Nikki beat him up for it. But Nikki doesn’t have room to talk when he was off getting high with the wife he was suppose to be divorcing when he should have been with his daughter.”

“I’ve gone to meetings in my free time, Vanity. Unlike you who just sits on this guys dick and gets fucking high!” Nikki fought back as he glared at me.

“I don’t do that!” I yelled at Nikki, feeling myself get worked up and by the smirk on his face, he knew it too.

“Okay, okay. Let’s just relax?” Dr Watson took off her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose, “I don’t specialize in couples therapy, so Nikki in your opinion, can you tell me where the issues root from?”

Before Nikki could respond, “We’re not a couple actually so you don’t need to use that phrase.” I pointed out, my tone was extremely bitchy as Nikki let out a hushed Wow.

“Oh yeah? So I’ve just been hanging out here and taking care of you and making sure you’re good for no reason?” Nikki looked at me, “Seriously, not a couple?!?”

“Well we aren’t!!!” I fought back, “How could you even think we’re together?! Because we almost fucked that night?! You aren’t my boyfriend and you for sure aren’t my damn husband!”

In a raucous tone, “You and your fucking ten million reasons why! I had to go back! How many times do I have to explain myself?! I didn’t want to go back!”

“Uh maybe you could of told her to fuck off like the countless times you’ve told me to fuck off!” I continued to argue, my voice becoming hoarse from all the yelling, “Cause it’s all about me and Arianna.” I mocked his voice before rolling my eyes

“Because it is!”

I scoffed, “What? For a few more weeks until you find some new ditzy playboy?!”

Dr Watson cleared her throat as I sunk back into the leather couch, “Okay, let’s take a few breaths to get rid of some of this anger.”

Nikki reached for a handful of candy, stuffing his cheeks until they turned pink, “I’m not angry.” He mumbled as I scooted away from him.

“How is Arianna?” The therapist exhaled deeply as she looked at us with a forced smile.

“She’s fine, trying to get used to someone-“ I glanced over at Nikki “being around again. She’s in kindergarten now and is doing wonderful.”

Nikki piped up, “She’s a great kid, takes after her mother so wonderfully well.” He shook his head as he glared at me. I attempted to speak but he continued, “Coke angry Vanity and all of her fuckin tantrums don’t need to show up when Arianna is around. I grew up with a mother who used so I know what it’s like.”

“Yeah Vanitys mentioned a thing or two about you and your own addictions.”

“I am still trying to over come them everyday. I go to meetings, talk to my sponsor. I actually try.”

“And here comes the sob story.”

If Nikki wasn’t angry before I said that, then he sure as hell was now, “Sob story?! Are you fucking kidding me!?” Nikki grabbed the pillow I was holding onto and flung it across the room, “Me almost killing myself is a god damn sob story to you?! Fuck you, Vanity! You should know better than that! Christ sake, you’re apart of that sob story!”

“Nikki, I didn’t-“

“Didn’t mean it?! You never mean anything because you never fuckin do anything wrong, right?! Little miss princess Vanity with all her millions and millions of oil money can do no harm because everything about you is so god damn perfect, right?!” Nikki shouted, making me flinch at his loudness.

“What have I ever done to you? Except fuck Tommy more than once? Fucked Slash? What have I ever done to hurt you?” I questioned him as he stared at me.

“More than once?!”

“You had intercourse with Slash?” Dr Watson seemed genuinely surprised.

Through gritted teeth and a clenched jaw, “You fucked Tommy? Again?! When! You said it was only one time!”

“I-I didnt… I didn’t…”

He arched an eyebrow, “Now you’re gonna lie about it?! Did you fuck him again or not? Tell me right now Vanity.”

“Vanity, it’s alright. Just be honest about it with Nikki. It’s always a smart thing to share your past sexual partners with your current one.”

“I’m not fucking him!” I pointed at Nikki, “I don’t want to touch him and I don’t want him touching me! He probably got some fucking disease from his little wife.”

Nikki was more outraged at the fact I would call him dirty then anything else I’ve been saying, “I am clean, Vanity! Unlike you since you like to hop from dick to fucking dick!”

I smacked his arm, “Don’t talk to me like that!”

“Hit me again Vanity. I promise you won’t like what I do.” Nikki threatened as I almost took him up on it.

“Okay! Okay, stop it!” Lillian raised her voice a tad before clearing her throat, “Vanity, just be honest with Nikki. Nobody is hitting anyone."

“I slept with Tommy when he first came to New York, when he found me. I was emotional and he was there for me. You should be happy he was there for me Nikki!”

He laughed, “Happy?! Happy that my best friend stuck his cock in you?! Why should I be happy that you opened your fucking legs for him again?!”

“So clearly the issues run deep..” The doctor mumbled as I stared at Nikki with tears in my eyes, “I am sorry!”

“Sorry for what exactly?! Sleeping with my best friend? Running from me because of what I did? Sticking a needle into your god damn arm? Or keeping Arianna from me out of spite?!”

“Out of spite? None of this is out of spite, Sixx! None of it!” I cried to him as he shook his head, running a ringed hand over this face.

“Really?! So five years you just couldn’t call or write or fuckin mention we have a kid! Had to find out from coming back here and bumping into you out of luck!”

I looked away from him and at the therapist, “It wouldn’t be hard if he stopped fucking up! Do you know how many times I’ve had to deal with his shit! To pick up the pieces of what he’s done!! Maybe instead of shoving shit up your nose and crying over me like Tommy said you were, you should’ve tried a bit harder!”

Nikki was at his wits end with me, “Tried?! I fucking called your mother every god damn day! I wrote a fucking letter to you only for it to be sent back to the house! Don’t tell me I didn’t try! I would’ve gotten on my god damn knees for you! You were the one that didn’t try! You say I tossed you to the side, no! You fucking tossed me to the side! You left me! You fucking left without a trace! Left everything behind! Everything we had together like I was fucking nothing to you!” I watched him as I saw tears falling down his reddened cheek as he continued yelling his frustrations at me.

“You left me, Vanity. I wanted to fix it. You said it would have been better for us if I had just fucking died when I overdosed. Do you have any clue how that made me felt? How that simple sentence ripped my heart to shreds. I would’ve been satisfied with just your siblings or your mom telling me I was going to be a father. You knew how bad I wanted to be a dad, to have a family with you, to watch you carry my child. You chose to be selfish, Vanity.”

Our eyes stayed locked on one another as we sat in a silence that was choking me, “I’m not selfish.”

“Bullshit Vanity.” Nikki croaked as his tongue stuck out to lick away salty tears at the corner of his lips, “It’s always about you and what you want. You wanted to keep her away from me, you said you could keep going as a single parent not that long ago but I’m sure you would just keep paying Clementine to babysit her.”

“I never wanted to keep her from you!” My soft expression quickly turned into a scowl, “Do not bring Clem into this! She’s done nothing but help me!”

“Clementine practically takes care of her half the time while you’re off doing god knows what, Van! Don’t you see that?! I’d love to see how to it would’ve went if you didn’t find anyone.”

My eyes narrowed at him, “I’d be able to do it by myself! I don’t need you or anyone.”

My eyes stayed glued to his before I looked away when Dr Watson had put her notebook down, “I think we might be done with this session…”

“Yeah. That’s enough.” Nikki muttered as he fixed his shirt and grabbed his jacket from the table.

“Like I said, I’m not a couples therapist. But I think there’s a lot that needs to be uh, mended.”

He laughed, “No shit.” I quickly swatted his side, “Don’t be a dick. Thank you Dr Watson."

“Yeah, Thanks Watson.” Nikki spoke gruffly as we both started walking to the door, the therapist closing it right after us.

Nikki quickly grabbed my hand as he pulled me down the hallway. I saw his head shaking as he mumbled my name and profanities under his breath, “Ow, Sixx.” I winced as his rings were pinching my skin, “You’re hurting my hand.” I attempted to pull away from his grasp, he looked at me before opening up a door and shoving me inside, “What the fuck is your issue?!” I yelled as he flipped on the switch and slammed the door shut, blocking me from leaving even if I wanted too.

Nikki stepped closer to me, “You have a lot of fucking nerve acting like that in there.” I took a step back and bumped into the trash can Before I grabbed the counter of the bathroom to balance myself, “Just sitting there talking shit about Nikki and all the bad things he’s done to you.”

“I wasn’t talking shit!” I argued back, “And you started it! I was ready to have a nice peaceful session but no, you had to go and open your fucking-“ I instantly stopped talking when he closed the distance between us, roughly grasping my chin in the palm of his hand.

“There you go again! Blaming everything on me! Maybe if you weren’t such a fucking bitch I wouldn’t have to be an asshole to you! You ever think of that one, princess!?” Nikki forcefully pressed his lips to mine causing me to wince against the friction. Teeth scraping against my skin as I soon tasted a drop of blood on our lips, with a breath being deprived from my lungs as Nikki wrapped his hand around my throat, lightly squeezing as he did so.

I tried reaching for a fistful of his hair, on instinct alone his free hand captured mine in his as he held it behind my back. My nails scratched and pinched at his hand only for him to tighten his grip around my neck. A shaky, girly moan escaped through my lips as he took a step back, hand still wrapped around my throat as he broke out in an arrogant grin. His thumb traced over my bottom lip, wiping away the blood before he took it away and sucked it off himself.

I wrapped my fingers into his hair, roughly yanking his head down to continue the heated kiss. My tongue ran over his lip, before gently tugging on it with pearly whites. Nikki groaned as he placed his hands on my hips before his fingers found the button and zipper of my jeans. I pulled away from him, shoving his hands from me as I attempted to push my pants down. I let out a yelp before slapping my hand over my mouth when Nikki roughly grabbed me by my hair and dragged me to him, holding brunette strands by the root as he tilted my head back and pressed soft simple pecks to the front of my neck, “Let’s see if you remember who the fuck you belong too.”

The deep baritone of his voice sent chills down my spine as well as heat straight to my core. I tried to kiss him again but he refused to let me. His hand found my throat again, needy whimpers escaping. I followed his lips, mere inches from one another as his nose brushed against mine, “Nikki…” a pleading moan came from me as he chuckled darkly in return. His sage colored eyes were making my skin crawl in the best kinda way, knowing he was planning, thinking some of the most dirtiest things. I let my hands wander, landing on a silver buckle as I undid it and let it hang loosely on his hips.

Nikki backed me up until I hit the sink counter. He towered over me. one hand at the base of my neck, forcing me to keep eyes on him. I felt cold rings running down my body as he pulled the thin blue fabric down from between my legs.. An attempt to squeeze my thighs together due to the coolness failed when Nikki brought an open palm down on my ass. I closed my eyes before looking back up at him.

“Look at those pretty eyes just begging for me. Thought you didn’t need me, Princess?” I frowned at his words only for him to let out a laugh. His middle finger traced over my lip as I welcomed it, letting my tongue roll over the rough pad before sucking on the tip. Nikki added another finger to the mix, middle and ring now as I gave it the same treatment, “Dirty fucking girl.” He smirked in my face as he took his fingers from my mouth and placed them between my legs. My head tried dropping to watch what he was doing only for him to yank me by my hair, “Eyes on me. Only me.”

My lips parted when his fingers skillfully invaded my body, knuckle fucking deep. It was abrupt and sudden when his fingers began moving at a fast pace inside of me, fingers curling at just the right spot. The vulgarity of the sound of his palm slapping against my body bounced off the tranquil and zen picture frames that hanged on the wall.

“O-oh my god.” My voice was reduced to a whimper as he finally let his lips meet mine. I rested my hand on his shoulder, fingers gripping the hem of his shirt as I broke the kiss, “Nikki!! Fu-fuck!” I cried out for him, feeling him push another finger inside of me as he poked and prodded at the bundle of nerves inside of me. My eyes screwed shut, feeling them roll into the back of my head behind closed lids as I felt myself fall off the edge of pleasure.

“That’s it baby. Come apart for me, let me get a fucking taste.” Nikki relentlessly abused my insides until his hand was drenched with sticky wetness. I attempted to regain composure, pushing hair out of my face as I watched him suck and lick his fingers clean. Tattooed fingers engulfed themselves around chocolate strands of hair as he pulled my face towards his, warm and soft lips finding mine.

“Still taste so god damn sweet baby girl.” Nikki moaned as he grabbed me by my hips, roughly pulling me away from him before bending me over the counter, hair tangled in a fist as my cheek laid against the cool tile.

I closed my eyes, attempting to catch my breath as I listened to the sound of a zipper being pulled down followed by a sickening slap against my skin. I chewed on my bottom lip as I brought my head up, “Watch me.” Nikki growled as he yanked my head up a bit more. His free hand was wrapped around the base of his cock, giving long and slow strokes to himself.

My lips parted with a silent moan that never tumbled out as I felt Nikki press the tip to my entrance before pushing in. I breathed out a sigh of relief as I felt him fill me, completely. I noticed his bangs covering his eyes, but I could tell he was looking down at the intrusion of my body.

“O-oh fuck, Van.” Nikki moaned, sliding his cock out slowly slowly before sliding back into me “Fuck me.” He groaned, taking his hand away from my hair and digging his fingers into my hip His pace started increasing as his hips smacked against my bottom, fucking me harder and deeper.

Tattooed fingers found themselves curled over my shoulder, nails roughly scraping at my skin. My hips naturally started rocking into each of his thrusts, feeling my insides clench around his throbbing length. I closed my eyes, moans of his names falling off my tongue. An arm of his snaked around my body with a hand dipping underneath my shirt as he grabbed my tits, finger tips pinching and twisting my nipples.

“You feel so good, Nikki.” I breathed out, feeling his hand twist into my hair again. My neck crained back, his lips press against my forehead as he thrusted into me hilt deep. He moved my hair to the side, pressing rough and wet opened mouth kisses to my shoulder before nipping at the soft and delicate skin.

“You still take my cock so well, Princess. So fucking tight and wet for me. So…fuckin perfect.” Nikki breathed into my ear, nibbling gently as he did so. I turned my head just a bit, letting my lips find his before he broke the kiss and pulled out of me.

Nikki dragged me into a stall, making the door bang against the hinges as he sat down and pulled me over his hips.

“This isn’t sanitary.” I mumbled, “Ow!” A rude and sharp slap against my ass cheek ended all complaints I had.

“…don’t give a fucking shit.” Nikki stated in a husky tone as he gripped my hips, fingers digging into the skin roughly. I wrapped my hand around his throbbing member as I hovered over him, slowly sliding down onto it before I gripped his shoulder.

Pornographic moans fell from both of our lips as he buried himself inside of me. I started grinding my hips into his, feeling Nikki accommodate himself in the most delicious way. Nikki Sixx being the only man to ever do so.

Nikki cupped my jaw, pulling my face towards his as our lips touched in a slow and deliberate kiss. His tongue found mine as I tasted the fruity gum he was chewing on. His hips started thrusting up into me at a slow pace, “You feel that baby?” Nikki broke the kiss, his bright green eyes borrowing holes into mine. I nodded my head in a sheepish manner, “That’s all yours.”

I wrapped my free arm around his shoulder, leaning into his chest as I focused on his movements inside of me. He reached between our bodies, fingers dancing around my clit at a rapid pace. I closed my eyes, feeling myself clench around him. I knew he was close too by the way he twitched inside of me.

“Go on baby, cum all over this fuckin cock. Let me have it.” Nikki’s voice was strained as he tried holding off to let me hit my peak first.

“Nik-“ I moaned loudly, only for Nikki to put his hand over my mouth when the bathroom door opened up. My eyes rolled as he continued to thrust into me at a slower pace, smirking at me when I felt myself cum as I moaned into his hand.

“Shit..” Nikki whispered as he pulled out of me, taking his cock into his hand and giving himself a few rough pumps before he hit his end. I sat in his lap still, watching him jack himself off for a few more minutes until he relaxed onto the toilet he was perched up on.

We both heard the water start running as whoever came into the bathroom was singing to themselves, “Look.” Nikki whispered as he wrote ‘V&N’ on the stall with his own cum. I covered my mouth to keep my laughter in as I shoved his shoulder playfully.

“So romantic.” I mouthed before getting off his lap and pulling up my jeans and panties. I stepped out of the stall, the other woman smiling at me through the mirror as I washed my hands and fixed my unruly hair, wincing when my fingers brushed past my scalp. The women was taking her sweet time as she started checking her make up and fixing her own hair so I decided to leave the bathroom and waited out in the hallway.

My eyes went wide when I heard yelling coming from the bathroom, “Sorry!” Nikki yelled back as he stepped out of the bathroom, glaring at me, “I thought she left! Not you!” He shook his head at me as he reached for my hand.

“So, you wanna grab some food?” He questioned as he held the office door open for me and we stepped outside.

I wrapped my hand around his bicep as we walked to my car, "Yeah, I would like that." I smiled up at him, Nikki lowering his head down to give me a quick peck on the lips.

Nikki helped me into the car, closing it as I was situated. He started driving to wherever he decided to take us. He rested his hand on my thigh as I intertwined our fingers together.

I hope this meant good things were coming for us.

[flowers-that-i-sent]

Tw: domestic abuse/stalking/hallucinating/drinking/ednos/ drugs/ptsd

*going to continue at some point*

*tldr: my abuser has been dead for years but I see his face everyday on strangers. I just saw him walking a dog down the street and its triggering me to isolate and be mute right now.

_________________________________________

When I was in my late teens I started to date this guy. He didn't really like me and idky he even played me out the way he did. I persuade the relationship and asked him if we could make it official. He said no but literally a minute later agreed. I barely remember how long we were together before he tried to call it off.

My dumbass begged him to give me another chance. It was obvious he didn't want to but again agreed.

[This was my fault. If I didn't beg for another chance things wouldn't of gone so far]

The next few months we started drinking more. His spit fire tongue turned towards me weekly. Daily. Hourly.

Coming from a home of verbal abuse i ignored it. It was normal.

I started to believe the horrible things he would say to me.

"Stupid."

"What were you thinking?!"

"Goddd!!" Followed by rolled eyes

Pokes my fat. "Eewwww!" Followed by a disgusted face.

I didn't realize it at the time but he was trying to push me away. Im assuming at least. Who would say those words to someone they wanted in their life.

When summer came things became more intense. He started obsessing over me now. I've gained about 30lbs from drinking and a poor diet. I was about 18 when I dated him and had little care about my appearance. I had less knowledge of health, fitness, and diet then I did of basic aesthetics.

Even though he belittled my appearance he didn't want me to leave him. After each public fight in front of his friends he pull me to the side and beg me not to leave.

Now, I can't remember if this part is in my head or really happened. I remember feeling like he said no one would want me because of my weight. This was around the same time I found out he was cheating on me. The girl was small. Blonde. Firery. Pretty in a whorish way.

He admitted to it the night it happen and apologized. We decided to work it out. And by working it out I mean I ignored him as he wildly cheated on me.

He continued with the Blonde. She knew of me. Who I was. That I was dating him. She projected flout on the outside and raging jealously on the inside.

She spat on me. She spat in my hair.

She walked away while pointing and laughing. The coward ran into her friends house before I could even get out of my seat.

He did nothing but sigh.

And we drove off.

_________________________________________

We ended up at a good friend's house. I told her what happen. My friend wanted, and would of, kicked her ass but I said I would take care of it. She expressed how I would let it go. How I was too nice of a person to do anything.

She was right. I let it go. This lead to a new depth to the abusive wedge I allowed into my life.

I am now a doormat.

The guy continued to cheat: tall, cute, super thin brunette; average height, pretty, super thin black hair. Besides their pretty faces they all had one thing in common. They were underweight.

I was still overweight and I thought he would stop if I lost the weight. So, I started doing something I haven't done since I was a child.

I stopped eating.

The weight slowly started coming off but I still ate like a pig (in my mind at least). I remember the day I decided to puke for the first time.

After I dropped everyone off for the night I bought a large sub, diet soda, and some breakfast sandwiches. I parked my car near a lake i did homework at and inhaled the breakfast. Grabbed my plastic bag and put my fingers down my throat. It hurt so bad. I teared up. I choked on food. I continued to eat. And I continued to force it back out.

It was working. I was losing weight. The restricting. The puking when I ate bad foods. The weight was coming off and people we noticing.

The Blonde who spat on me didn't even recognize me at a party. I remember her looking me up and down with a wtf expression. He still cheated on me with he though. He still cheated on me the the Black Haired girl.

As I lost weight he became more insecure. His abuse turned from verbal and emotional to physical. He always had a hint of control hovering over our relationship but that wasn't enough.

I can't remember when in the relationship it started but I remember what he did.

Pushing against the wall.

Head bunting.

Knife to throat

Attempt to crash my car while I was driving.

Guilting me to have sex.

Grabbing onto me until I said I wouldnt leave.

Blackmail.

One day I finally got the courage to leave him. I noticed other guys started looking at me. I was done. I knew I was finally pretty enough for someone else to love.

________________________________________

I decided to end it in a public place. Bluntly. No words just action.

We met up for lunch at a deli with some friends. I knew he wouldn't get physical in front of them. Just verbal. I ate my protein bar and drank my coffee. His hands were wrapped around my waist. Causal conversations filled the air.

It felt safe.

This was it. This was the time to move. He allowed me to unhook his arms. I started walking towards my car. He knew. I walked faster. Open the door. Got in. Locked it with in less then a second to spare. As soon as the door shut and locked i heard the handle being pulled. I heard the THUD! of the outside door handle drop. Unopened.

I made it.

I turn my engine on and drove off. He tried to stand in my way but I didn't care I would of driven off with him on my hood if it came down to it. Thankfully it didn't. On my drive to a safe location I was crying uncontrollable. The feeling was unreal. He called me on my cell phone minute after minute after minute. He continued for 30-60 minutes.

Now here's where there were more problems.

All of our friends were OUR friends.

I tried to stay friends with them. I even dealt with the fact that he would be at some parties months after i left him.. I just had to avoid him. He ended up stalking me. He broke into my car and stole my credit card and license. Said he would steal my identity if I didn't get back with him.

This happened at a real friends house and the cops were called. He was arrested. I didn't see him around for 2 years (he was at a party i was invited to). I cut almost all those mutuals out of my life. They didn't believe me anyway.

See, he was very charming. Very funny. Very manipulative. I was painted as the bad guy. The crazy one that yelled at him at parties. The one that started everything.

_______________________________________

Days turned into weeks. Months turned into years.

I weeded out the people who still hung out with him while I was present. He ended up heavily addicted to drugs and alcohol. As well as myself.

He got arrested.

I got a college degree.

He went to jail for selling guns

I got married.

He took a plead deal and joined the army.

I bought a house and started a family.

He got kicked out of the army.

He contacted me 10 years after I broke it off.

I didn't know about the guns. If I knew I wouldn't of replied to him. I was very court with him.

"I'm happily married. Own a home. College educated. Pregnant with my first child." He respond back but I never answered. I just wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to know that I made it.

A few months later he OverDosed on Heroin.

Before he died I would hallucinate seeing him in cars next to me or in stores. It was never bad. Just once in a blue moon. Now its weekly. Multiple times a week to be frank. And I dont know how to make it stop.

Its also so sad. Even years later no one who remained friends with both of us believes me when I tell them how bad it was. They still mourn him every year while I fear his ghost everyday.

* need to edit later

[we-do-recover-together-blog]

so its been a slow start on here but i havent had this tumblr for more then 24 hours still trying to figure out how to use this thing but i figured id tell a little bit about my story, when i was young i used to live with my mom my grandma aunt and uncle, mom was 17 when she had me and well at the least to say she wasnt quiet ready to be a mother then. she was always out with friends and partying and would leave me wit my aunt or uncle. i was very close with my aunt if anything she was the closest thing to a mother figure i had in my life i felt safe with her, the only person i ever felt safe with was her and that still stands to this day shes the only person in the world that never turned her back on me and never gave up on me she always took me out before valentines day to get gifts for my little crushes threw out school i could tell her things i couldnt even tell a best friend or counselor she was my safe haven. But sometimes my uncle would baby sit me and he would do inappropriate things to me and touch me and i was so young and i didnt know it wasnt okay i didnt know wwhat it was at all really until i got older and i was ashamed of it and felt like less of a man and really it took till i was about 21 years old to finally come out and say it of course i was only strong enough to say it to the only person i trusted to keep it a secret i was and still am a little bit ashamed of it and its something i need to work on but back to my story eventually with my mom struggling with addiction herself she would get kicked out of my grandmas sometimes so she would grab me put me in the car and we would just drive around all night i cant tell you how many countless nights i spent in the back of her car sleeping or at some strangers house., well eventually i cant remember how old i was exactly but i guess she just got tired of being the part time mom she was and i remember her bringing me to visit my dad who lived with my other grandma grandpa my uncle and my 2 aunts well we walked in the door and everyone was there in the living room just talking but as soon as they saw us it was like the world stopped and they just stared at us well turns out my mother was going on a vacation for a week with her new boyfriend well it turned out that week turned into weeks and longer with out calls or anything she just took off eventually one day we got a call and its the first time i can remember talking to her since she left and she was in jail she came back into my life sorta kinda just in and out until i was in 7th grade thats when i started t get out of control and full of anger and hate and was very rebellious the typical im gonna do what i want when i want how i was and no one can tell me shit about it getting suspended from school getting into fights you name it that was me i was a jerk of a brother a mean son and a worst nightmare for people i didnt like i wasnt scared of anything weather it was fighting jail or cops for years my mother was asking me to give her another chance and move in with her she was never around or home and she didnt really care what i did so i moved in with my mom and from there i fell into a group of older kids that liked to do drugs and fight and pretty much do any and everything that you shouldnt do and to me it was fun i felt cool and ilike doing whatever i wanted if i got arrested my mom wasnt home to ground me or atleast enforce it so i just continued to do whatever i wanted countless arrests and suspensions from school and the drinking and drugging i didnt realize till my most recent years the older kids were just using me because i wasnt really scared to do or say anything perfect little side kick well eventually my mother found a bowl i hadfor getting high and she kicked me out so i moved back to my home town but with my grandparents they are the sweetest souls i have ever met but they were old school and were not very strict so smoking pot and drinking where completely normal especially in my family i first overdosed when i was 15 years old i took about 70 something sleeping pills that the kids in my town started taking because they were untraceable on a drug and blood test like i said that was just my first overdose and yes it terrified my family but didnt faze me one bit not even a year later when i was 16 i overdosed on pcp started hanging out in a bad neighborhood and doing just about any and every drug available even after watching one of my bestfriends drop to the ground from the pcp just minutes before i did i woke up in a hospital bed still unfazed by it honestly i think a part of my thought it was “cool” and at that point i thought well i over dosed twice and still woke up so nothing can touch me at that point i was so wrapped up in drugs that my emotions were non existing and my thought process was just fuck it.the drinking and drugging just got worse the partying continued the arrests never ended cant think of a night that didnt end in running from the cops when i was 17 i first tried heroin i had a friend that sold it and we would go drink at his house and i found some in the bathroom so i tried it and well at the least to say that was the day my life completely i slowly continued to use it but not to the point where i needed it atleast i thought that shortly after i found out that 2 of my cousins were using heroin to of course i didnt tell them i was until we ended up running into eachother in the ghetto so we all started getting high together hiding in abandon buildings and shooting up heroin at this point smoking crack and shooting up cocaine too, two days in a row i overdoses on heroin and xanax the people i was with ran my pockets when my breathing stopped and threw me on the side of the roadluckly i was found by someone and brought to a hospital still wasnt fazed when i woke up and went home went to sleep woke up the next day and got high again in all of these events i was also in and out of the county jail like it was my second home eventually my family got on my ass so i went to a rehab for 28 days just to get them off my back, first day home i told my grandpa i was going to see a few friends and went right back to getting high the same day i got out of rehab. i started hanging out with this girl i met in rehab second time we hangout i end up overdosing again on heroin and alcohol thats when i found out i had hep C but im sure if my track record doesnt prov to be the same that didnt faze me either right back to using eventually i get arrested and charged with 3rd degree burglary get locked up in the county for two months and it violates my juvenile probation and i get sent to a juvenile prison, i stay there for about 18 months while im there my cousins are hanging out and one of them over doses and my cousin and our “friend” freak out instead of calling an ambulance they clean her up and tuck her under a blanket in the hotel room they were in and they leave her a few days later room service finds the body i find out about a week later and well i think the fact of being in jail and not seeing it with my own eyes just made it hard to believe that the cousin that used to babysit me that grew up with me was gone forever and i never got to say goodbye..and it doesnt stop there maybe two weeks later i get a letter and find out my other cousin killed herself. she just couldnt handle the shame she felt for leaving my one cousin in that hotel room .not gonna really get into details about how i felt after losing both of them because its almost impossible to describe.about a year later i finally get out and i move in with my aunt her fiance and my baby cousin i was on parole so i had expectations to meet like outpatient counseling so about 2 months after being out im doing good staying clean doing good with outpatient and my curfew well i wake up the day after my 21 birthday i wake up to a text that my bestfriend of 18 years is dead and that  pretty much destroyed me and broke me down i started drinking and skipping outpatient or showing up drunk i shut down and pushed myself into the dark again i was trying to get parole to violate me and send me back i just gave up but it never happened and the day i got off i moved out of my aunts and with my friend in philly well that was all just party party party. at the time i was talking to a girl who i thought at the time was my life partner and all that bullshit but i was just blinded by after 2 years of nothing but jail and parole rules she was just the first female who gave me her attention well while i was in philly we were all drinking and me and her broke up i was drunk and emotional and i well i went into the bathroom and i took 3 90 count scripts of depression medicine and i took them all i took 270 pills give or take a few and tried to kill myself 10 minutes after i took them i blacked out well all i can say is i must have a a seriously bad ass guardian angel or i have a very big and meaningful purpose in life because i woke up the next day weak unable to move and throwing up non stop all the pills i took. it took me about three days to get back to me then i went back to jersey with my uncle not long after that i get hooked back on heroin and cocaine again and my life just well i can say i never been so low the insanity of it all is just well insane everyday i woke up and NEEDED drugs in one day i would think a million times how much happier i would be if i just ended the suffering if i just drove the car into the wall as fast as i could and just end the suffering, my mind was such a dark scary place i wouldnt wish it on anyone and if i didnt always want to get high just one more time if i didnt want to feel that rush one more time im sure i probably would have killed myself, one day i was getting high with my gf at the time and i was just i dont really know what happened but its like time froze and i saw who i was when i got out of jail and how bad things got and how far out there i was so i reached out to the only person i knew i could trust and that would help me my aunt and the next day she checked me into a hospital and i detoxed there while i was there my aunt and my mom found me a halfway house to move into..out of state, they didnt want me to end up like my cousins did the found me a sobor living home and a plane ticket and they went above and beyond to save me. so i moved and i was terrified that id fail i was in the halfway house for about 3 1/2 months to 4 and i turned into a completely different person that i never thought i could be i was happy and going to meetings and sharing and i met a girl and i fell head over heals for her the second i laid eyes on her shes been strong for me stood by my side and made me believe i could be more then a guy working as a cook and just barly making it that i can have that nice house and i can g=have a nice car or go back to school that i can build a family of my own it took me a while to realize or should i say believe in myself to be honest i didnt start fully believe in myself until 2 months ago since me and her have been together i have stolen money from her to get high on multiple occasions i have lied to her and flipped her brand new mustang going to get high i have snuck out and left her alone in bed to go get high she bought me a plane ticket to go home on my birthday for a week to see my family and my first day home i overdosed on heroin i have left her on three occasions because i broke the law and went to jail the first time was for 2 months for aggravated assault and she answered every call wrote me letters came to every court date she visited me and she stayed by my side the whole time.not even 5 days after i got out i stole her car and money to get high even after everything she did for me a month later i got arrested again and charged wit domestic assault for splashing her with water yea i know it sounds stupid but i was piss drunk and got out of control well she bailed me out of jail my drinking continued to get worse and i came home one night from work very very drunk and i snapped and i actually put my hands on her i hit the woman that did nothing but stand by my side and believe in me and give me chance after chance she carried my child the first time i went to jail and we lost it from all the stress she was under from supporting her child and paying rent all on her own a few months after she bailed me out we got pregnant again our own little baby boy Carter well our little baby boy wasnt so healthy and was in pain so we had to make the decision to abort it was what we thought best for him while she was pregnant i went behind her back and was talking to a female that i shouldnt have been talking to and said things i shouldnt have said while being in a relationship with this wonderful woman who has done nothing but fight for me and stand by my side well on july 27th i went back to jail again and stayed for about 2 months for violating my probation still this woman stood by my side answered every call and again came to court this was when i finally realized i was still being defeated by my addiction and while in jail i decided im not gonna be that person i was because i have a choice it is my life and i wont be weak anymore i started going the the steps again for real this time and taking every step to better myself and well guess who bailed me out of jail again? you guessed it she did and now i have been home for 6 days and i have trouble sleeping so i decided to make this blog to share my story help others like me most importantly help myself and not i am sitting in bed next to my girlfriend and my only thoughts are why didnt i take advantage of this time with her and also how easy recovery can be if you really try i mean we tried pretty hard to get high or stay high just half of that effort will save your life its saving mine usually nights like this id be searching the house for a car key that my gf has to hide from me so i dont steel her car but today all i care about is spending and enjoying every moment with this woman and what would be my next step that would be best for my family and me its gonna be a long road and a hard fight but i know i can do it just like i know you can do it stay strong everyone never give up and remember you are worth it and you are worth saving 

[punkscowardschampions]

Joe & Ronnie

Toe dip

Joe: I'm back in town, you about? Ronnie: Bored of playing with yourself or just playing happy families, yeah? Ronnie: Fuck off Mckenna Joe: S'not an answer, is it Ron? Ronnie: mummy dearest ain't funding my jetsetting Ronnie: there's your answer Joe: Nor mine Joe: Thank you student loans Joe: Are you coming over? Or we playing hide and seek? Ronnie: snap your fingers at me again and see what happens to 'em Ronnie: fuck off you're better at that like Joe: Not like I wanted to Joe: Needs must Joe: Which is what I'm saying, obviously I'm good for it, not like I think you missed me or anything Ronnie: bullshit. you love it golden boy Ronnie: if you didn't wanna be there you'd have been here Joe: Love it so much I moved countries to breathe Joe: Love it so much I found you Joe: It ain't that simple, I can't get out their clutches that easy Ronnie: 'cause you're a sadist. just pay for some bitch to whip you or some shit like normal pervs who love the torture Ronnie: don't come crying to me about it Joe: Ain't like that either Joe: always got by on self-inflected tah Joe: you know I need you Ronnie: liar Ronnie: you need them Ronnie: and to fuck me as a fuck you to them Ronnie: it ain't about me Joe: no Joe: i HAVE them Joe: obligation Joe: and if that were it i'd have done it once and rubbed her nose in it Joe: more than sufficient to fuck her up, no? Joe: who knows if they'd even flinch, my brother and bea are basically married and that was family endorsed Joe: i'm fucked up, that's why i want you so bad, its as simple as that, you've always known that Ronnie: like i give a shit Ronnie: you ain't found any the bastards your da's bound to have dropped Ronnie: makes me the lucky one Ronnie: keep your crying that side of the plane ride, yeah? Ronnie: I'm not here to comfort you Joe: if you like Joe: even if they existed, doesn't mean they're gonna be the same as me Joe: more carbon copies of him, like the rest of 'em Joe: i don't want you to Joe: already got that covered, remember? Ronnie: i ain't the same as you Ronnie: different species baby Ronnie: you got everything and I got fuck all, remember? Joe: yet we still both ended up here Joe: its in our DNA Joe: both her parents were junkies Joe: rest is just circumstance Ronnie: Fuck you I make my own choices Ronnie: and it's not that deep Ronnie: It feels good, I do it Ronnie: blame her all you like but don't expect me to join the party Ronnie: nothing any of you do affects me, got it? Joe: You're old enough to know better than to give such a baby junkie cliche answer Joe: giving to charity and going for a daily constitutional 'feels good' too so I hear but I don't see you out there seizing life by the balls on those scores Joe: There are reasons we chose heroin over life, wanna rewatch seeing as you're feeling really basic about it today, like Ronnie: what i know is that nothing feels like heroin does, soft lad Ronnie: end of Joe: and there's reasons you know that by experience and not hearsay Joe: everyone knows that but everyone else is too content in their happy little lives to find out properly for themselves Ronnie: nobody's that content they're just that pussy Ronnie: scared they'll lose an arm or get riddled and whatever else they've seen on their tv Joe: Whatever Joe: same sin different name Joe: i'm not in your inbox to philosophize Joe: Someone got #deep in my absence Ronnie: take it to church Ronnie: a priest'll be happy to suck you off Ronnie: if you don't like what happens when you go stop leaving Joe: ha, i'm not that young, you know? Joe: my prime is behind me Joe: want me to be the cliche now Joe: say never again? Joe: 'cos I wish it could be true but you know, no broken promises Ronnie: just a crybaby, yeah? I know Ronnie: I don't want to hear any of your bullshit Ronnie: grow a pair mckenna Joe: then stop talking Ronnie: step up and make me Ronnie: you know where i am Joe: are the others about Joe: charlie, mainly Joe: i can't be bothered to be fake to or for my fam for another second and you know he loves them Ronnie: that cunt's down the job centre he'll be longer than I can stand you Joe: just mad 'cos your six-month ban is still in effect Joe: just come over ron Joe: please Joe: i don't want to risk seeing anyone else, i only wanna see you Ronnie: you begging now? Ronnie: that's why you gotta stay away from that lot Joe: thought i'd try it this way before going straight to kidnap Joe: gotta give a lady options Ronnie: try scoring you owe me Joe: done Joe: wait 'til i'm past security don't fancy the cavity search Ronnie: don't knock it 'til you've tried it Ronnie: they might take the gear but they'll show you a good time Joe: of course you'd endorse it, already know you're all about them good feelings Joe: like i said, only got time for you Joe: hopeless romantic Ronnie: hopeless twat Ronnie: trying to make me vom again like Joe: can't blame a boy for trying Joe: get you off your A game=more junk for me Ronnie: still a selfish bellend then Joe: 'Course Joe: you'd never do the same, like Ronnie: if i had gear or money for it i wouldnt be wasting my time on you and this convo Joe: N'awwh Joe: nice to be needed Ronnie: you can try begging for it again Ronnie: worked so well before Joe: knew you loved it really Joe: pretty please with smack on top, hey Ronnie: fuck off Joe: so soon? Joe: just landed baby Ronnie: you left me for dead baby im not gonna wait there rattling a sign Joe: don't Joe: i gave you money, and told you to ask for more if you ran out Joe: what more could i do? Ronnie: not fucking choose them over me Joe: i didn't, haven't, won't Joe: no choice involved, until i literally fucking off myself i have to keep them in the loop i'm still breathing, they won't be satisfied 'til then, like Ronnie: you don't care if that I ain't. good thing the dealers a better fuck and provider than you 'cause my pain's nothing for theirs Ronnie: all such fucking momma's boys Joe: bullshit Joe: you get me every other day of the year Joe: whenever you want me Joe: it was one weekend to show i've got a heartbeat and bounce, that's all it is to me, i don't care if it makes them feel better, just secondary Joe: i'm thinking about you and how you are the whole time Joe: i can't think about nothing else Ronnie: bullshit Ronnie: you're never around Ronnie: uni and orchestra and whatever the fuck else Ronnie: stop acting like you give a shit Joe: gotta get money somehow and music keeps me as sane as i've ever been, it's all i had before i had you so I'm not just going to drop it, 'cos you get that too Joe: you just want to be proved right but you're not Joe: you can't push me away and shut me out Joe: sorry about it Ronnie: you're the one who's wrong about everything Ronnie: trying to make this something this ain't Ronnie: a fucking love story or some shit Ronnie: I hate you and I'm not sorry about it Joe: understandable Joe: not the only one Joe: you rather it was a sob story? Joe: don't think so Ronnie: I don't want any story I just want you to get the fucking picture Joe: i'm not very visual, sorry Joe: pick up a guitar Ronnie: You'd love that. a love song. get fucked Joe: looks like you're stuck then Joe: you think you'd try harder if you hated me THAT much Joe: hmm Ronnie: you're the try hard that ain't me Joe: glad you think so Joe: it takes all of me to be this subpar Ronnie: Shut up and get to your place I need my hit Joe: in the taxi Joe: pray you've been good enough to warrant no traffic Ronnie: you sound like your catholic dad Ronnie: is that meant to turn me on? Joe: rather it didn't frankly Joe: but that'd just give you reason to say it did so Joe: you do you Ronnie: sick fuck Joe: no arguments here Ronnie: I'm gonna kick the door in if you're not here in 5 Ronnie: your neighbours are nosey cunts Joe: did you lose your key again? Joe: they're mostly students...so they're either green and wouldn't say boo to a goose let alone you, or stoned enough themselves not to care Ronnie: fuck's sake Joe: kick the door down if you wanna, love keeping the locksmiths in business, you Joe: lost that deposit months ago anyway Ronnie: moneybags mckenna Ronnie: should've done uni like Joe: not to late, job centre will pay for it Joe: good on their books, good on your wallet Ronnie: fuck off Ronnie: can't get a degree in dope Joe: nah, but you can get a degree in almost everything else Joe: music, whatever Ronnie: prodigy privilege Joe: you don't have to be 'good' Joe: you are anyway Joe: just a thought Joe: not working on commission here Ronnie: I know like 3 chords you daft cunt Ronnie: flattery is fucking useless Joe: they teach you most of it, half my class couldn't play a triangle, you could do theory or producing anyway or set design...list goes on Joe: i'm not aiming for flattery, just how i feel Ronnie: there's easier ways to fulfil your schoolgirl fantasy Ronnie: keep your feelings to yourself Joe: sure, you offering? Ronnie: yeah if you beg me Joe: won't even stop to say hello dearest Ronnie: fuck it then why not Joe: hooray Joe: missed you Ronnie: prove it Joe: on it

[amorrain1990-blog]

Its been awhile..

Ive been battling with writers block, on top of a lot of insane life changes. So unfortunately, i havent had it in me to write. Tonight im hoping this will help be a tool to aide me in my quest of finding myself and becoming a normal human being... (its a far stretch, but one can only hope) So i went from making this a dating blog to making this about myself and my life. So instead of giving dating advice, which im still willing to do if i had anyone who actually read this and asked me questions, im just going to write.. Its selfish, but at the same time we all need to vent. Im obviouslt not that upset about it. In the past few months, ive gone from being single and living with "family" to moving back to the east coast and living with my real family. People who support me, have my back and want only the best for me. Thats what real family does. They love you unconditionally. They do what they can to help and dont judge or blame you. If you are reading this, i hope you dont ever have to know what it feels like to habe family members hurt and destroy you. But if you have that unfortunate luck, know that your family is who you make it. My friends are my family. Ive been so blessed to habe the love snd support of many friends. They know me better than anyone else, they have helped me grow and even helped me get over some tramatic things. I miss my friends back home, but right now i know i need to heal out here. Where its simpler and i can do what i need to survive without having to resort to slightly imorale means of survival. I decided to return to my ex. Yeah i know, who the hell does that? But in my mind he loves and cares about me. More than most the men who have come and gone in my life. And hes stable. Not into hardcore drugs or living off of someone else. I know with him i can be safe and happy. Is it right? Do i feel that im head over heels in love? No. But i think that as you get older, you realize thst that kind of love is too rare in life. It doesnt last. And then you have to grow up and do whats better for you, whats more responsible. I dont believe in love anymore. Not the kind that makes you tear up in a movie. Theres different forms of love, and im ok with going for the safe and secure kind. Call me crazy, call me stupid, ive heard it all. But when you have spent your entire life being kicked down by life, sometimes you crave normalacy.. I wish i had done things differently. The what ifs race through my mind on the daily.. its useless to fixate on it, but when you have mental disorders its impossible to surpress. I wonder what life would be like if i had stable paremts growing up.. if i had a famoly who wasnt mainly comprised of drug addicts, felons, and ex cons. What would life be like if i had support and someone pushing me to be all i can be.. Obviously ill never know, but if i did i wouldnt be here writing at 4am while im sitting at work hoping an asteriod will fall out of the sky and hit me right in the head. My only hope is i can pass my knowledge on to help someone else feel just a little less alone. Living with anxiety, has never been easy. Due to the recent situation with my sperm donor(aka "dad"), i have lost everythng, most of my possessions and a place to live. All of that i could deal with, but losing my "father" to a heroin addict and becoming traumatized by threats and emotional damage, that was just too much to bear. I cant say i was the perfect daughter, but i can say i did my best. I was living in a massive city where the competition is fierce and not having a car hindered my job searching. It is what it is, at the end of the day i made my decisions and after they showed their real colors, i knew it was pointless to stay and fix anything. Plus when your called a whore over and over again by your own sperm donor, it kinda makes you want to just run and curl up in a ball in a cave somewhere. The journey ive made mentally surpases the 3000 mile trip on a train for 4 days with no shower, greatly. Its taken 2 months and i still have days i dont wanna get out of bed. It scares me to even bring a child into the world that may suffer like i do. I wish there was a way to just end the storm that rages inside of me. The feelings of inadequacy are like a broken record being played in my mind. Over and over... yet i can be cocky as hell when i want to be. Does that make me psycho? Or is it just normal for someone like me? I wonder if one day ill ever be able to breathe again..

[icoulddieandwecouldlive4eve-blog]

just in case this goes missing

This is my manifesto

That beautiful morning, i hadnt gotten any sleep that night because i was up ranting about OCCULTISM and rape and dug abuse. When my friend, Quaint, showed up he was shaking and his lips were an off shade of grey. He asked to use my phone and called his mama saying that he might go to hospital today because he felt sick. I told him that he wasnt sick he was just DTing and needed alcohol to subdue the effects on his body. I walked to go get medicinal whiskey but the liquor store wasnt open. I walked to the whole foods and picked up 2 bottles of wine and some doggo treats for his dog, chance. He didnt want the treats i gave him but he was such a good protector of his friend. We passed the wine around, casually outside of the unopened shop. 

THEYASKEDME IF WAS SEEIN OR HEARING ANYTHING

It was Monday morning (Mid December 2019) when i had contact with the first officer in front of an establishment called “The Love of Ganesha” on Haight St in San Francisco. I dont remember his badge name or number but he was a well groomed caucasian male. He approached me because he had gotten a call that morning about disorderly conduct (or something along those lines) he arrived at the scene, harrassed my surrounding family, and moved them down the line. After everyone had moved he approched me and Threatened to detain me for being under the influence or for being crazy or something like that. He told me he was taking me to the SF psychiatric ward. I asked him what he was detaining me for. I asked him again what he was detaining me for. He approached my husband and asked Sean if he knew me and if he could help me move me belongings and myself to another location. My stuff was in dissarray but we moved down to the corner of haight and ashbury where my husband sean took and long nap (we were up the entire night before)

My friends and i spent most of the day on that corner, playing with our kitties and talking to touring adults. Around sundown,shortly after a woman donated several dogbeds, my good friend Caveman approached the corner and put down his belongings. Seconds later a squad car with flashing lights pulled up to the scene and two officers of the law got out. One of them was a young african american male and the other was a (assumed to be) younger asian american male. The asian american male (we’ll just call him “woodstick”) “Woodstick” immediatly addressed caveman by asking him “how is your son” whih i thought was very rude. But then “woodstick” told everyone that they had to leave “his” corner. (im pretty sure he doesnt pay rent on that corner but anyway) as me and my husband packed up our belongings “woodstick” got out his big wooden stick and wore it on his hip like a Gun. I wasnt threatened but everyone else, all fed up with the harrassment, moved along. 

I stayed up all night that night talking my husband’s ear off and crying. I fell asleep shortly but was woken up by my hyper-sensitive on-guard dog around 4:30 am. So not much later in the morning i got up and even through my husband asked me not to go, i wanted to walk and yell and talk someone els’s ear off. So i took our 3 kittens, (because they were wide awake) and i went to haight st. i sat on my dog’s bed on the corner of haight st and ashbury and made a sign that said I protest this state. For  the sake of my deceased friends:

I screamed that i was being raped, I screamed that i was being murdered, i screamed “wake up people” and i screamed “NARCAN call 911 call 911 call 911 i am overdosing on heroin! oh wait thats not what someone who is overdosing on heroin sounds like” I was furiously flipping off everyone and nobody cared. 

Anyway, an african american police officer arrived at the scene, right around 7 am right after shift change i assume (she never mentioned getting a call). She pulled up wto me and said “stand up”, i said “no”, she said “im taking you to jail”, she put on black gloves and got out of her car and asked me politely what the problem is. I explained my situation to her and she politely told me where to go to file a formal complaint against off. “Woodstick” and then when i continued to not comply she gave me a tresspassing 25 ticket. Then she said that because i wasnt leaving “ we were going to have another problem” i told her to contact her SGT. and she did so. A white man arrived at the scene and rudely told me… something (i wasnt listening ) i was also flipping off people as they walked by. So the SGT starts grabbing at me and pushing my hat and other belongings around, almost as if he was trying to piss me off more. Then he grabbed me by my shoulder and so did the african american female officer that had orginally made contact with me. I explained “dont touch me” “stop harrassing me” “i know my rights” (which im not sure i do anymore)Then shorltly another 4 or so officers showed up to the scene and pushed my face into the ground, got one arm behind my back, broke my glasses and they said “stop resisting” multiple times. Then they threatened to take me to jail. They told me my religious artifact would have to be removed and then they forcefully tried to remove my silver and lapiz ring. My figner had already been broken recently so  i knew that my ring wouldnt come off easily. I told the officers that as they FORCEFULLY tried to remove my religious artifact. I mentioned the first amendment to them. They continued to try to remove my ring threatening me with detainment. Then the SFFD showed up and they put me on the gurnie. Forced my right hand. Took my cat’s basket and my dog’s new dog bed that was given to me by that kind woman.

Took me to the Zuckerberg San Francisco General hostpitable where they werent very hospitable. After they laughed at me and made fun of me, they got me a chaplain named mary kay who gave me 2 bibles and another chaplain also named mary talked me through the trauma like a couple of pros. They doctors asked m what was physically wrong and i told them my hand feet and torso and arms hurt. They brought in an xray machine and asked me if i might be pregnant. When i said it was possible they left with the xray machine… never took  a urine sample. While they were xraying my hands i told them that i believed i have a stress fracture inin both of my feet. They never even checked. After being taken to the psych ward (which reeked of county jail) I spoke to a psychiatrist for 5 minutes before they knocked me out witha variety of pills. The next morning i woke up and they gave me my breakfaast (mushroom omlette) and i announced i was doing a hunger strike, drank a cup of coffee. Not long after they allowed me to call my mom. My mother offered to pick me up from the hospital but i told her i wanted to be released on my own recognisance. Not long after they allowed me to shower and leave. 

MY partner, sean, was waiting outside for me and my friend shane came and picked us up.

That evening i bought a pack of PBRs, because it was all i could afford beer wise, and i went to haight st and handed them out to my friends. I put my belonging under a scaffolding to protect it from the cold rain. My friend caveman screamed at me on sight “you are the only other woman to be 5150 from here other than misha” who misha is i dont know.

King and 14th

I scrambled to get to the train station. Screaming the whole way. I begged people to let me use there phone because mine had died. I went into the train station and frantically tried to find money in my purse. An older african american woman approched me and asked me what the problem was and offered to by me a ticket. I stated plain and clear that i would also need a ticket for m partner and she said it would cost her too much. My partner told me to quiet down and payed for his own ticket while she bought me mine. I promptly lost it.

Friday the 13th December

It was raining when my partner got off the BART train. We walked to the closest covered porch and started to unwind. After watching a couple older gentlemen leave the building i assumed that it was a federal building. We went to sleep there. Around 2 am (december 14) in the middle of shift change SGT 8 and OFF 10 woke us up and off. 10 threatened to take me and my husband to jail… or to the hospital… i dont remember exactly what his plan was but he put those stupid blue gloves on. As soon as i started rambling to myself they left. NO CONTACT 

My husband and i got our asses moving and as we walked we started to argue (but not in a “im mad at you and you suck”kind of way but in a “i was exhausted already” kind of way) i told him to stay put after we walked not even half a mile. I walked with my yellow water bottle in hand so that traffic could see me more clearly. I got to the fire house. Rang the doorbell.

Rang the doorbell again, i was quite dehydrated at this point. I used my limited knowledge of morse code to sing S.O.S. and WATER and FIRE and HELP. when i noticed the fire department waking up i motioned at them for water. They laughed and shook their heads or something like that. I was so angry at this point i may have started hallucinating. 

2 cop cars pulled up. 4 lights shone. I put my hands up with my big ol sharpie in one hand and my water bottle in the other. SGT 8 rushed me, snatched the bottle out of me hand, threw it away from me, and put my on the ground and in cuffs. He did not read me any sort of any rights. Anyway he asked me if i was writing on the building or doors. they ran my name. Asked me what the problem is… i told them i was tired and i had just had a fight with my husband. I mentioned the domestic abuse and they said “dont use that word” i told them i needed a ride to the hospital, he said he would only give me a ride if i was under the influence of drugs and shined his BRIGHT ass light in my eyes, practically blinding me. I told him i had smoked weed (a legal substance to consume if you arent operating a motor vehicle) he said i didnt seem high and he was right because the cheap weed i smoked barely did anything anyways. So i mentioned the water thing again after they allowed me to sit on their bumper (so polite) i asked them for their badge numbers and the ten (more like a seven but he’s a cop there is only so far you can get with that) said he was 10 and the four told me he was 8. Brisbane PD. where there is no hospital apparently. So they confirmed that i was being transported and he said hed give me a ride to square one. And one water bottle when i got out. Then he told me hed give me two water bottles which was great because i was REALLY fucking thirsty at that point. And then in the privacy of his cruiser he said “my water bottle is just like your water bottle except my bottle is full and yours is empty” which i thought was pretty offensive but i didnt say anything. So SGT 8 drops me off at the gas station (which wasnt the federal building that i woke up at that morning but details are so 19th century) and puts my water bottle and a new sealed water bottle on the curb of the gas station. Takes my cuffs off, probably said some fuck shit. And said “anything else” and as they got into their cars i said “oh yes and i am in fear of hurting myself AND OTHERs”

And i walked.

And i screamed

And i cruised by my sleeping darling and i wrote a little happy face on the lid of the bottle and i left it for him and i walked some more and when i was out of ear shot of him i whistled. I SCREAMED and i banged my bottle against a pole. I took out my lipstick and i drew a heart on a sign. I drew my signature (MAD (mutually assured desrtuction) read it in HS kinda liked the ring to it) and i walked and i screamed some more. I heard owls in the trees. I saw two men in the trees one had a light in his hand and they stood patiently. I said “hello?” and i heard one of them say “what?”

Later on after eating and getting some fluids in me i am back at the Brisbane fire department and i rang the doorbell once. A young beautiful woman comes to the door and i told her i needed medical attention

Giovanini Gomez asked me what i wanted #1 asked me what he could do for me. 

They gave me a psychotic break and a whole season of episodes and then asked me what they could do for me. Then told me very rudely to get out of town.

So i did

[icoulddieandwecouldlive-blog]

JUST INCASE IT GOES MISSING

This is my manifesto

That beautiful morning, i hadnt gotten any sleep that night because i was up ranting about OCCULTISM and rape and dug abuse. When my friend, Quaint, showed up he was shaking and his lips were an off shade of grey. He asked to use my phone and called his mama saying that he might go to hospital today because he felt sick. I told him that he wasnt sick he was just DTing and needed alcohol to subdue the effects on his body. I walked to go get medicinal whiskey but the liquor store wasnt open. I walked to the whole foods and picked up 2 bottles of wine and some doggo treats for his dog, chance. He didnt want the treats i gave him but he was such a good protector of his friend. We passed the wine around, casually outside of the unopened shop. 

THEYASKEDME IF WAS SEEIN OR HEARING ANYTHING

It was Monday morning (Mid December 2019) when i had contact with the first officer in front of an establishment called “The Love of Ganesha” on Haight St in San Francisco. I dont remember his badge name or number but he was a well groomed caucasian male. He approached me because he had gotten a call that morning about disorderly conduct (or something along those lines) he arrived at the scene, harrassed my surrounding family, and moved them down the line. After everyone had moved he approched me and Threatened to detain me for being under the influence or for being crazy or something like that. He told me he was taking me to the SF psychiatric ward. I asked him what he was detaining me for. I asked him again what he was detaining me for. He approached my husband and asked Sean if he knew me and if he could help me move me belongings and myself to another location. My stuff was in dissarray but we moved down to the corner of haight and ashbury where my husband sean took and long nap (we were up the entire night before)

My friends and i spent most of the day on that corner, playing with our kitties and talking to touring adults. Around sundown,shortly after a woman donated several dogbeds, my good friend Caveman approached the corner and put down his belongings. Seconds later a squad car with flashing lights pulled up to the scene and two officers of the law got out. One of them was a young african american male and the other was a (assumed to be) younger asian american male. The asian american male (we’ll just call him “woodstick”) “Woodstick” immediatly addressed caveman by asking him “how is your son” whih i thought was very rude. But then “woodstick” told everyone that they had to leave “his” corner. (im pretty sure he doesnt pay rent on that corner but anyway) as me and my husband packed up our belongings “woodstick” got out his big wooden stick and wore it on his hip like a Gun. I wasnt threatened but everyone else, all fed up with the harrassment, moved along. 

I stayed up all night that night talking my husband’s ear off and crying. I fell asleep shortly but was woken up by my hyper-sensitive on-guard dog around 4:30 am. So not much later in the morning i got up and even through my husband asked me not to go, i wanted to walk and yell and talk someone els’s ear off. So i took our 3 kittens, (because they were wide awake) and i went to haight st. i sat on my dog’s bed on the corner of haight st and ashbury and made a sign that said I protest this state. For  the sake of my deceased friends:

I screamed that i was being raped, I screamed that i was being murdered, i screamed “wake up people” and i screamed “NARCAN call 911 call 911 call 911 i am overdosing on heroin! oh wait thats not what someone who is overdosing on heroin sounds like” I was furiously flipping off everyone and nobody cared. 

Anyway, an african american police officer arrived at the scene, right around 7 am right after shift change i assume (she never mentioned getting a call). She pulled up wto me and said “stand up”, i said “no”, she said “im taking you to jail”, she put on black gloves and got out of her car and asked me politely what the problem is. I explained my situation to her and she politely told me where to go to file a formal complaint against off. “Woodstick” and then when i continued to not comply she gave me a tresspassing 25 ticket. Then she said that because i wasnt leaving “ we were going to have another problem” i told her to contact her SGT. and she did so. A white man arrived at the scene and rudely told me… something (i wasnt listening ) i was also flipping off people as they walked by. So the SGT starts grabbing at me and pushing my hat and other belongings around, almost as if he was trying to piss me off more. Then he grabbed me by my shoulder and so did the african american female officer that had orginally made contact with me. I explained “dont touch me” “stop harrassing me” “i know my rights” (which im not sure i do anymore)Then shorltly another 4 or so officers showed up to the scene and pushed my face into the ground, got one arm behind my back, broke my glasses and they said “stop resisting” multiple times. Then they threatened to take me to jail. They told me my religious artifact would have to be removed and then they forcefully tried to remove my silver and lapiz ring. My figner had already been broken recently so  i knew that my ring wouldnt come off easily. I told the officers that as they FORCEFULLY tried to remove my religious artifact. I mentioned the first amendment to them. They continued to try to remove my ring threatening me with detainment. Then the SFFD showed up and they put me on the gurnie. Forced my right hand. Took my cat’s basket and my dog’s new dog bed that was given to me by that kind woman.

Took me to the Zuckerberg San Francisco General hostpitable where they werent very hospitable. I spoke to a psychiatrist for 5 minutes before they knocked me out witha variety of pills. The next morning i woke up and they gave me my breakfaast (mushroom omlette) and i announced i was doing a hunger strike, drank a cup of coffee. Not long after they allowed me to call my mom. My mother offered to pick me up from the hospital but i told her i wanted to be released on my own recognisance. Not long after they allowed me to shower and leave. 

MY partner, sean, was waiting outside for me and my friend shane came and picked us up.

That evening i bought a pack of PBRs, because it was all i could afford beer wise, and i went to haight st and handed them out to my friends. I put my belonging under a scaffolding to protect it from the cold rain. My friend caveman screamed at me on sight “you are the only other woman to be 5150 from here other than misha” who misha is i dont know.

King and 14th

I scrambled to get to the train station. Screaming the whole way. I begged people to let me use there phone because mine had died. I went into the train station and frantically tried to find money in my purse. An older african american woman approched me and asked me what the problem was bought 

Friday the 13th December

It was raining when my partner got off the BART train. We walked to the closest covered porch and started to unwind. After watching a couple older gentlemen leave the building i assumed that it was a federal building. We went to sleep there. Around 2 am (december 14) in the middle of shift change SGT 8 and OFF 10 woke us up and off. 10 threatened to take me and my husband to jail… or to the hospital… i dont remember exactly what his plan was but he put those stupid blue gloves on. As soon as i started rambling to myself they left. NO CONTACT 

My husband and i got our asses moving and as we walked we started to argue (but not in a “im mad at you and you suck”kind of way but in a “i was exhausted already” kind of way) i told him to stay put after we walked not even half a mile. I walked with my yellow water bottle in hand so that traffic could see me more clearly. I got to the fire house. Rang the doorbell.

Rang the doorbell again, i was quite dehydrated at this point. I used my limited knowledge of morse code to sing S.O.S. and WATER and FIRE and HELP. when i noticed the fire department waking up i motioned at them for water. They laughed and shook their heads or something like that. I was so angry at this point i may have started hallucinating. 

2 cop cars pulled up. 4 lights shone. I put my hands up with my big ol sharpie in one hand and my water bottle in the other. SGT 8 rushed me, snatched the bottle out of me hand, threw it away from me, and put my on the ground and in cuffs. He did not read me any sort of any rights. Anyway he asked me if i was writing on the building or doors. they ran my name. Asked me what the problem is… i told them i was tired and i had just had a fight with my husband. I mentioned the domestic abuse and they said “dont use that word” i told them i needed a ride to the hospital, he said he would only give me a ride if i was under the influence of drugs and shined his BRIGHT ass light in my eyes, practically blinding me. I told him i had smoked weed (a legal substance to consume if you arent operating a motor vehicle) he said i didnt seem high and he was right because the cheap weed i smoked barely did anything anyways. So i mentioned the water thing again after they allowed me to sit on their bumper (so polite) i asked them for their badge numbers and the ten (more like a seven but he’s a cop there is only so far you can get with that) said he was 10 and the four told me he was 8. Brisbane PD. where there is no hospital apparently. So they confirmed that i was being transported and he said hed give me a ride to square one. And one water bottle when i got out. Then he told me hed give me two water bottles which was great because i was REALLY fucking thirsty at that point. And then in the privacy of his cruiser he said “my water bottle is just like your water bottle except my bottle is full and yours is empty” which i thought was pretty offensive but i didnt say anything. So SGT 8 drops me off at the gas station (which wasnt the federal building that i woke up at that morning but details are so 19th century) and puts my water bottle and a new sealed water bottle on the curb of the gas station. Takes my cuffs off, probably said some fuck shit. And said “anything else” and as they got into their cars i said “oh yes and i am in fear of hurting myself AND OTHERs”

And i walked.

And i screamed

And i cruised by my sleeping darling and i wrote a little happy face on the lid of the bottle and i left it for him and i walked some more and when i was out of ear shot of him i whistled. I SCREAMED and i banged my bottle against a pole. I took out my lipstick and i drew a heart on a sign. I drew my signature (MAD (mutually assured desrtuction) read it in HS kinda liked the ring to it) and i walked and i screamed some more. I heard owls in the trees. I saw two men in the trees one had a light in his hand and they stood patiently. I said “hello?” and i heard one of them say “what?”