#he’d realize that in terms of our faith the problem is not the boyfriend. that guy is brilliant and open minded and would probably ace RCIA

[cats-in-the-clouds]

my sister got engaged and we’re all really happy for her but my bitter rain cloud of a dad (who naturally she told last) is giving her a bit of passive aggressive grief about it despite her boyfriend being like the best man of our generation (presumably either because he’s not catholic or because my dad sees them as young dumb unemployed people who aren’t ready for marriage or because he’s mad he barely has any real love with his own wife or something). so like pray for us? i wish i knew what to do

[somebodyonline123]

If you wanna try writing fanfic, what about 14 with Sokka for the fluff prompts? (Feel free not to answer this if you’re uncomfortable with that)

I tried to answer here both your request for 14, and also include 11, ‘cause apparently I’ve misread @roselevesque‘s request for 19.

11: "Is this ok?" "It's perfect"

14: "Shut up" "Make me"

Boys and Soldiers or Turtleduck Tales

Zuko sighed, rubbing his temples. Being the Firelord didn’t always come easy for him, since he had to handle some especially delicate matters regarding peace- his father’s old councilmen weren’t exactly helpful either. Fortunately, Iroh did his best to help his nephew, but even he seemed to have become tired of dealing with the aftermath of his brother’s reign.

In time, Zuko had learned to control his temper, but even now, on some occasions, he would feel like lashing out, mainly because of stress, due to the pressure of the other nations; expectations and demands.

His only outlet for venting was the turtleduck pond in the palace garden, where his friends would often find him feeding, petting, the little animals, and even, on occasion, talk to them about his problems. He would often spend hours there, enjoying their company, but he couldn’t help feeling alone in doing so. Sure, he had his friends, and he and Mai were still on good terms, despite their breakup, but something in his life seemed to be missing.

On a particularly stressful day, one of his father’s old generals came to voice his complaints.

“Prince Zuko- “

“It’s Firelord Zuko, to you”, said Sokka, stepping forward from behind the left side of Zuko’s throne. He would, occasionally, swap shifts with Suki, to ‘cover for her’, but in reality, he just liked spending time with Zuko.

“Prince Zuko, what’s this? A man in make up? A harlot, by your side? Is this what you want to teach our children? That our nation isn’t the greatest, that they should succumb to this outrage? To feel shame of our ideals of a nation, and think of us as invaders, while we only enlightened these savages? Your Father, the Firelord would have done a much better job at this than you ever will, prince Zuko”, continued the general, unaffected by Sokka’s commentary.

“How could you say his, you ignorant piece of-”, started Sokka.

“ENOUGH”, resonated Zuko’s voice trough the throne room, clearly angry.

“You’ll get your punishment, ladyboy, let’s see how you’ll shake your ass in prison”, smirked the general, satisfied with the development.

“I was talking to you”, growled Zuko, grabbing the general by his collar. “You dare come into my house, show no sign of respect, accuse me of not knowing how to do my job right, even though you haven’t served the Fire Nation in any significant way, and have the audacity to disrespect my trusted and dear friend? I was holding out on sending you to prison, along with the other generals who have betrayed our nation in such a horrific way, by taking military action against innocent people, since you didn’t have much of an input. Now, I’ve changed my mind. Guards, you know what to do.”

Whole being steaming, Zuko watched as the offender was dragged to join his dear Firelord. Sokka had never seen him this way, and tried to lighten up the situation with a joke.

“So... that was a pretty steamy situation, you ok man?”

Zuko answered nothing in response, and instead left hurriedly. Of course, we all knew where he was going. Sokka found him sitting alone, staring at the turtleducks with a sad expression. Before he could open his mouth, his friend said:

“Do you ever look at them, at how carefree they are, no rules to follow, no shoes to fill or change, no expectations of the world resting on their shoulders, and wish that you could be a turtleduck?”

“Well, I don’t really spend as much time with them as you do, but honestly, I wouldn’t choose that. If I were a turtleduck, I wouldn’t have had so many great adventures, grown as a person, or even meet you. I can’t live in a world like that. And I know that secretly you don’t either. Look, what that man said isn’t true. You are the greatest Firelord I have met, which isn’t really saying much, ‘cause I’ve only met your dad and he’s not the best example, but, look. What I’m trying to say is that you have done so much for these people and have made their lives so much better while being Firelord, and it’s only been such a short while, you have a whole reign ahead of you.”

“Well, a lot of people don’t seem to agree with you, like that general, for example. They think that I’m ruining the Fire Nation, that I’m destroying the values of my ancestors, but I’m only trying to do what’s right? Why can’t they understand?”, sighed the young, angsty, teenager, in frustration.

“Zuko, you are the reason I can believe in a new day. You are my hope for the reconstruction of my homeland, the one who made peace possible, and who can guarantee me that I can rest knowing that the next day will not bring another war in my way. I have faith in you, and besides, you are not alone! We may not be world-class diplomats, but we have dealt with some pretty tough people before. You can count on us, on your friends, to be there to help you when you have troubles. Aang, Katara, Toph, Suki, Mei, Ty Lee, maybe Azula too, in time, when she can heal, and of course, me!”

“But what if I’m not enough? What if-”

“Shut up. You are perfect”, whispered Sokka, both hands cupping Zuko’s face, while leaning in. “Is this ok?”, he asked, inches away from the other boy’s lips.

“It’s perfect”, the Firelord replied, closing his eyes and meeting him in the middle.

When he felt the Watertribe boy’s lips touching his own, Zuko finally realized what he’d lacked all this time- a response to the unanswered questions swirling inside his heart, and all started to make sense for him at once, the two fitting together like two pieces of a puzzle.

As they pulled apart, out of breath, Sokka opened his eyes to see the other teenager looking at him with a lovestruck grin on his face. He couldn’t contain his laughter, and he exclaimed:

“God, you look like a dork, so adorable.”

“Shut up.”

“Make me”, he replied with a suggestive smirk.

And so, he did, relaxing for the whole afternoon in the presence of his dear Sokka, who he now gets to call his boyfriend, while splashing and laughing together, feeding the turtleducks, and sneaking the occasional peck.

[the-falcon-of-the-fall]

An Analysis of Laverre

I’ve been in the Spe fandom for 5 years, and have been around during the early days of the XY arc. The only content I got, like many English speaker fans, were Coronis’s summaries of the arc being released, and theviolenttomboy’s comics based on those summaries. Even though they don’t show much details at the time, I was enthralled by the fast pace, the action, and how interesting X and Y are, especially X. He’s a shut-in, and Y is his ever faithful friend who stuck by him despite him being a hardass at times, while also keeping their friend group together. I fell in love with them as a ship because of how loyal she was to X, an ideal many would want but unfortunately may not have, as depressed people are hard to deal with, shown with his friends having already given up on him begging him to leave his room because they have their own lives. X returns this loyalty with deep care and trust for her, while also considering her needs and emotions.

While I had other ships that eventually fell out of interest, Laverre has staunchly remained as my absolute favorite ship of Spe, and perhaps one of the top faves among all of my ships. It’s because it’s been with me for a long time, but it also resonates with me. I do have depressed friends, some lost and some still present, and I understand the pain it is at times to try to help them, not being depressed myself. I have a long-term boyfriend who faces similar issues X has, who I sometimes can’t understand because I don’t have those same issues. I can relate to Y of the frustrations felt towards X, and sometimes, my friends are too frustrating for me. However, Y has the ability to make it clear when he has pissed her off, and X has the ability to recognize he causes her stress and try to own up to it and change instead of blaming it on circumstances, most prominent when she points out how him running off to fight Team Flare is an incredibly awful decision that endangered him and everyone else to try to back him up, and cause them a lot of grief. He apologizes for doing that to Y, and listens to her for the rest of the arc by communicating properly on what he plans to do.

But even before that most notable moment between the two, during their time with Cassius, X gives Y distance when she finds out Grace was kidnapped by Team Flare and makes it clear she wants to be alone. While it may look like he’s not considerate of her needs, X’s already established to be a bit of a mess, already has pissed off Y by using her Rhyhorn as his new room, and is very mad and stressed about those news too, so him trying to help her with that would make things worse. Not only that, it’s established he has a much better relationship with Grace, with X stated to care a lot for Grace by Y, and we can see  that as him venting it out by needlessly Mega Evolving and defeating a wild Pokemon, and being even more snappish. Not only is X a mess who has grief on top of that, he’s going to be biased to Grace, and he knows that won’t help Y whatsoever, who already is acting withdrawn to everyone else.

We can see that Grace tries to drag X into her argument with Y the day before Vaniville gets destroyed, but he refuses to get involved, not only because that is a shitty move on Grace’s part, but because it’s not his own problem. He can’t solve Y’s problems with Grace, only she can. Grace’s her mom. So, he gives her space to process her feelings while he and the rest of the group try to move with their best course of action.

As shown here, X still shows concern for her. Y tells him while she is still upset, she decided to let go of it because the situation right now is dire and she can’t sit around and grieve. All it matters at the moment is to stop her brainwashed classmates from crashing the helicopter everyone’s in.

As shown here, X trusts her to fight them off, while they focus on trying to stop the brainwashing, show in the next panel. She doesn’t keep it bottled up for long either, as she vents out her problems about Grace on Yvette while she fights her, and finds herself feeling better from it, and realizes that she shouldn’t have been so secretive about her stress to her friends either.

While it may hurt, giving space to those who you care about when they are stressed and make it clear they want to be alone is sometimes the best option. Trying to help them when you know you aren’t in a good position to do so is only going to make things worse for them. Let them decide how to solve their stress and how to express it, as they’re the ones in charge of it, but let them know you’re there for them. X understands this and thus gives Y space, but still makes sure she’s fine enough to battle, then trusts her when she makes her decision, even when she admits she’s not completely fine.

Not only are they able to be honest with each other, own up to their faults, and know when to intervene and when to not, they both inspired the other to change for the better. X deeply inspired Y, as seen in their childhood flashback of him encouraging her to pursue her dreams of being something not a Rhyhorn Racer. This radically changed her view of herself from being helpless to the whims of others and to hide her true feelings, to having control over her destiny and to be honest about them. Y is deeply grateful for this, and despite him being a hardass, she sticks by with him because she truly loves him for that.

Y in turn also inspires X, as it takes until the end, where X realized that while people have tried to exploit him and his Pokemon and Team Flare are powerful assholes, he had people who were always supporting him, including Y, waiting for him to go out before the entire mess happened. This makes him realize his view that the entire world is out to get him is wrong, as while he agrees with the misanthropic Emma the world is terrible, there are good people who want to help him. It may have taken years instead of probably a few months for Y, but she has inspired him to change for the better, and he’s grateful for that too.

Interestingly enough, while X is a hardass to Y at times, he never is very aggressive to her, whereas he is towards Tierno and Trevor when they want X to try something out and cooperate respectively, though both happened for one time and both situations were particularly stressful. While he certainly shouldn’t be so aggressive to them, this makes his respect for Y more prominent, as while Y yells and scolds at him all the time to stop being a dick and get out of his room/tent, he doesn’t really do anything as direct as that. This seems to indicate that Y’s extremely important to him, unfortunately for those two, or he knows Y really won’t put up with his bullshit unlike Tierno, who while nice, is firm that he shouldn’t have done that, and Trevor’s very easily scared, though is able to assert himself.

While it’s a popularly held belief X and Y have a sibling-like relationship, I very much disagree and dislike. And it’s not just because there's a lack of Western content from that notion. It also feels very shameful to even like them romantically because of that. The manga itself doesn’t even seem to support it either. Grace may have taken care of X for at most five years and that takes up a big part of their life, but X and Y don’t seem to think they’re siblings. While of course, it varies case by case, kids being raised together starting at the age of 7 is generally not young enough for them to consider the other siblings. Hell, it seems to support there may be some romance going on on Y’s part:

I would never call my theoretical brother that in a serious situation if you ask me. Of course, you can view it as a phrase with deep platonic love, but this wording is most certainly not sibling-like. It also seems to imply Y has been trying to get X out of his room for so long because of her infatuation for X that evolved into pining, though that could just be shipping goggles.

In a previous panel shown here, X also refers to Grace as “your mom” when asking Y if she’s going to be fine after isolating herself from the bad news of Grace being kidnapped, instead of “our mom” or “mom”. That kind of wording is way too detached for someone who is seen by the fandom to be a sibling-like figure, and again seems to say they’re merely just childhood friends who were taken care of by the same woman.

While X’s aggression towards Cassius teasing him that Y’s his girlfriend twice was taken as disgust, it’s quite a common trope. It makes sense in character too, as X’s established to like bottling things up, so it’s not a surprise that he’d also deny that he likes Y. Cassius, while helping them, is still an adult, and X doesn’t like them so doesn’t trust him either. His extreme aggression towards Essentia assuming Y’s his girlfriend is fairly justified in that situation, as they had to separate despite it going against their rules, and X is very aware of how Y acts that it takes only one word and a slight change of attitude to crush her head. While that may be seen as extreme disgust, it’s way more likely he knows Essentia could pretend to be anyone given how she accidentally activated the mimicking people function, and knows she’s a big threat because of her Trevenant and she’s superhumanly fast.

It can be quite easy to say Y has feelings for X, but because X has forced emotional constipation, we can’t be sure if he reciprocates. X’s moments of ship tease is muddled with other factors, like the aforementioned denying Y’s his girlfriend to Cassius and crushing Essentia’s head for pretending to be Y, but there’s one tiny moment that stands out for me:

This is a rather major contrast compared to this:

Despite his acknowledgement of being a great trainer, he gets surprisingly flustered when Y tells him it was thanks to him she’s more honest towards others and herself. X, who while may not want to admit it, is arrogant on top of easily blaming himself for a lot of problems, which is why he felt secure to infiltrate Team Flare’s base. To see him surprisingly embarrassed of changing Y for the better hints he has a special attachment to Y, and possibly surprise from X himself that Y still is grateful for that and knows he can be more than a reckless idiot, even though she made it clear he stressed her and the others out a lot.

To wrap up this very long ramble up, X and Y are an example of two people, with flaws and their own issues, being able to support each other, care for each other, and be the most important people in their lives, even if X is depressed and having sometimes very unbearable flaws. However, Y makes it clear he is not allowed to get away with them just because he’s depressed and has good intentions, and he acknowledges the same. He makes it clear that he trusts and cares for her, and she appreciates and gives that in return. It’s a two-way relationship with honest communication and positive growth for the two of them, of moving as much as they can together from danger and past wounds, even if they never completely heal.

[sharingshane-blog]

BPD in Doctor Who

Trigger Warnings: Depression, Anxiety, Suicide, Abuse, Self-Harm, Mentions of Physical Assault and Rape

When I was 17, almost a senior in high school, I watched my first episode of Doctor Who.  I started with Christopher Eccleston and worked my way through.  It took me only a couple of episodes before I was hooked. I became obsessed with the series, and many of the characters, particularly the ones from the Russel T. Davies era, because I felt like I could emotionally connect with them.  I understood them.  Rose Tyler really grew on me.  She was supposed to be around my age at the time, and we both lived at our parents’ home feeling overall empty and worthless.  

At that age, my anxiety and depression were particularly bad. Someone who was mentor and major influence in my life had committed suicide.  Not long after, my grandfather whom I would see all the time passed away. I was already wallowing in major levels of grief and loss.  I had also just gotten permission to skip eleventh grade and graduate a year early from high school.  With that, I had to work last minute to get myself together, so I could apply to colleges and universities.  My parents had a history of neglecting my needs frequently and one of the ways they did was helping me prepare for college.  They refused to help me research or check out schools.  They would not take me on visits because it was too much of a “financial burden” on them.  They also refused to teach me how to drive or help me much at all for the next step ahead.  I felt extremely lonely and I felt very abandoned.  My parents have a history of physical and emotional abuse towards me, but I did not come to terms with that until I was in college, eventually developing PTSD.  

Feelings of abandonment and isolation became chronic and debilitating for me.  There were many emotions I would bottle up until I could not take it anymore.  I felt like a geyser.  As the emotions bubbled and heated more, the pressure in the chamber underground increased until there was a burst of boiling hot water—a crisis or outburst of anger.  I had trouble maintaining consistent relationships with people which only added to the loneliness.  People came and went, and I never expected them to stay.  I felt too worthless to think they would care about me.  I had recurrent suicidal ideation.  For a long time, the way I would keep myself alive would to just tell myself every night that I will just kill myself the next day. I refused to go to therapy until well into college.  This had to do in part that I did not know how to express my emotions, and it also had to do in pat because of trauma.  My mom forced me against my will (on my 16th birthday) to see her therapist and basically admit how horrible of a child I have been.  After my grandfather’s death, I did attempt to see a counselor, but it was a religious counselor who told me that I did not need counseling and that I just needed to focus on my faith in God.  It was not until I was 19, well after beginning college, where I decided to actually pursue therapy.  I had many unstable friendships at college.  I was with my abusive ex-boyfriend.  My already unhealthy relationship with my parents became worse.  The tipping point was when I was in the car with my dad one day, and he tried to hit me. I jumped out of the car before he could do anything to me.  He drove off leaving me on the side of the rode in tears.  It was not long after that experience that I filled out the paperwork to start counseling.  I eventually got a therapist outside of the college campus.  After almost attempting suicide, I was hospitalized for a week at a psychiatric facility.  It was there where the psychiatrist inquired me about a condition called borderline personality disorder.

Here are the symptoms or signs of the disorder:

-Efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, such as rapidly initiating intimate (physical or emotional) relationships or cutting off communication with someone in anticipation of being abandoned

-A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)

-Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self

-Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating

-Self-harming behavior, such as cutting or burning

-Recurring thoughts of suicidal behaviors or threats

-Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days

-Chronic feelings of emptiness

-Intense anger or problems controlling anger

-Difficulty trusting and possessing a fear of other people’s intentions

-Feelings of dissociation, such as feeling cut off from oneself or seeing oneself from outside one’s body

Not everyone with the disorder experiences all these symptoms. The symptoms also come in varying degrees.  No two people with the disorder is completely alike, although they tend to understand each other.  After I received the diagnosis, I felt that my life made a little more sense.  I began to understand myself better.  I have been in treatment for a long time and have made many improvements.  During this whole journey though, I learned something else, one of the reasons why I became so obsessed with Doctor Who.  I mean who doesn’t want to fly away from their boring lives to explore all throughout time and space with a mad man (or woman) with a box?  I have not seen the episodes with Jodie Whittaker so no spoilers! You may cause a paradox and destroy all of reality if you tell me anything.  It’s my future.  It was more than a form of escapism or a way of leaving my miserable life.  I realized that the Doctor’s character really resonates with me on a more personal level.  Now I am specifically referring to the New Who episodes.  I haven’t watched enough of Old Who to make adequate judgments of the character during those episodes.  The Doctor in New Who exemplifies many of the characteristics associated with borderline personality disorder.  I am no psychologist or psychiatrist, but for me, I feel like that this was one of the main reasons I fell in love with the Doctor.  He (or she) is the star of the show, the hero, the person everyone loves aside from say the Daleks, the Cybermen, the Slitheen, the Weeping Angels, the Zygons, the Silurians, and well, okay not everyone.  But in other shows, people with the disorder or exhibits multiple aspects of the disorder are usually portrayed as antagonists and creeps.  

The Doctor continuously goes out of his (or her) way to try and avoid losing people.  It causes him a lot of pain when he loses his closest friends.  Sometimes he will push his closest friends away, even for years at a time, because he’s afraid he’d never see them again. Sometimes he’d isolate himself from making new friends for fear of them falling apart.  We see this with the tenth Doctor at the end of his tenure.  He refused to take on new companions.  He was also reluctant to take on Martha as an official companion after losing Rose. But as you know, things did get “escalated.”  The eleventh Doctor set up Amy and Rory with a house on earth so he could come back to them whenever for hundreds of years because he knew that humans could not live near as long as him and he couldn’t bear to see his closest friends die.  He uploaded River Song as a computer program in the biggest library in the universe so he could always come back to her.  After losing Amy and Rory, he isolated himself from most of others except from a select few refusing to make other friends for fear of the inevitable loss.  Like Martha, he was reluctant at first to take on Clara as a companion.   On the whole though, the Doctor is fairly quick in choosing is companions, almost like Jesus choosing his disciples.  The Doctor becomes close pretty quickly and has people by his side while traveling in the TARDIS (time and relative dimension in space).  However, he is also quick to cut communication in order to “save” his friends or most often himself from impending grief.  He tricked Rose and Clara to have the TARDIS take them home while he faced a life or death scenario.  When Clara came back to the Doctor 300 years later in his future, he admitted that the reason he sent her away was because he would have buried her a long time ago.  It seemed to be more for his sake than hers.  She didn’t want to be sent home, and she was willing to face every danger he faced.  For those who struggle with BPD, the fear of loss and abandonment is quite prominent. Similarly, to the Doctor, I would frequently be quick to make very close friends.  I often idealized them and think they are basically perfect. “And she is perfect,” the Doctor says about Clara Oswald.  “You are the most important woman in the whole universe,” he says to Donna.  At the same time, I was also just as quick to push people away.  I’ve sometimes seemed to ghost people, hide things from them, push them away from my problems, refuse help when I desperately needed it.  I was too afraid I’d hurt them or overwhelm them to the point that I’d lose them.  I become a roller coaster ride to be friends with.  I constantly felt the need to protect people from myself and try to save myself from impending grief which hurts so bad that it makes me sick.  

Like the Doctor, I also felt persistent emptiness and loneliness. I felt like no one really understood me.  Even though I usually had close friends nearby, they also seemed temporary. Give another year and it will be a whole new group of friends.  I am very blessed that I’ve been able to maintain a strong relationship with my best friend for almost five years.  I’ve not had a romantic relationship last even a year.  Alongside the loneliness came emptiness.  For the most part, I felt like my life was pretty meaningless and boring.  I felt like I constantly had to be doing something in order to fill the gap.  The Doctor gets like this too.  When he stuck around in Amy and Rory’s home for a couple of days, he got anxious.  He rarely sticks around for tea after saving the day.  He has to constantly be doing something, or he just feels bored or pointless. This causes anxiety or depression. The tenth doctor, after trapping himself in the 18th century with Madame de Pompedour to save her from impending doom, looked sorrowfully into the night sky because of losing access to his TARDIS.  Like him, I usually can’t handle monotony.  I get anxiety and depression really fast.  

Impulsivity is another common trait between me and the Doctor. This can look different for each person who struggles with BPD.  Many do struggle with alcohol or drug addictions but not all.  I do not, but my impulsivity comes out in other ways.  It actually is similar to how the doctor is impulsive.  I am very quick to putting myself in compromising or dangerous situations. Personally, I cannot actually go into much detail on this issue for my safety and the safety of others around me. As a result of impulsive decisions I’ve made, I have gotten assaulted or raped.  Now these crimes are ultimately not my fault, and do not advocate victim blaming.  People should just have the common decency to know that those things are wrong. Unfortunately, that’s not the world we live in.  I was almost physically assaulted after outing myself as transgender.  I learned quickly the dangers of being trans in society. I’ve stretched myself thin for the sake of others without taking the time to analyze how much I can handle.  The Doctor is very similar in this regard.  Over and over, he’ll walk passed “keep out” signs.  For him, they are like “dry clean only.”  He’s one of those people who usually takes action before thinking.  Although sometimes we find out that he has actually put more thought into something than we, the audience, assumed he had.  Still, a lot of times the plan is to run towards the danger, see what happens, then come up with another plan.  When he hears a scream, he runs towards it.  When a sketchy guy is offering jobs at Hooverville in 1930, he was the first to volunteer.  Despite his intelligence and cleverness to get out of dangerous situations, he usually just as quick into them.  The results have even blown up the entire universe.  

Both the Doctor and I also seem to have struggled with a personal sense of identity.  This also can result in intense mood swings.  Sometimes I have feelings of euphoria, a heightened feeling of myself.  I can be the life of the party or on top of the world. I can become hypomanic (BPD and bipolar disorder often mimic each other).  Other times I am the complete opposite.  I think I’m the most awful, pitiful thing that creation gave birth to. I will self-harm or have suicide ideations.  I’m afraid that I am an abuser just like my parents, that I just hurt people, or that I constantly let other people down.  This sometimes spawns feelings of isolation.  Sometimes my emotions swing between extremes within a day.  The Doctor seems similarly to reflect these traits. For most of New Who, he is haunted about destroying Gallifrey in order to end the Time War.  Was he a genocidal maniac or a hero who ended a war that would have destroyed all of reality?  Is he any better than a Dalek who belongs to a race of ethnic cleansers.  Even after the 50th anniversary episode, the twelfth Doctor feels the need to ask Clara whether he is a good man. People with BPD tend to have a difficult time knowing themselves outside of how others perceive them.  They constantly rely on others to tell them how they are more than trying to take the time to analyze personal actions and intentions. We usually think our intentions are just excuses for the horrible things we’ve done.  The Doctor kept telling himself that he was trying to end the most deadly war in all of history when making the decision to eradicate his own species, but he wondered afterwards whether it was just an excuse to be the monster he truly was.  It wasn’t like he had a super friendly relationship with the Time Lords (although he was also half human first suggested in the 1996 movie and confirmed with the twelfth Doctor).  He constantly wrestled with the prospect that maybe he took on companions in order to use them rather than actually befriend them.  Davros visibly gets under the Doctor’s skin when he suggests that the Doctor takes “ordinary people and fashions them into weapons.”  We have the episode with the Dream Lord, a suggested personification of the negative aspects of his character.  There is a very dark portion of the Doctor which makes him such a complex character to fully understand.  Still, generally, we most often see him as a hero.  We are more gracious towards his decision to destroy Gallifrey to end the Time War than he is to himself.  I struggle to understand myself.  I generally have persistent feelings of shame that if the dark side of me comes out, then people will leave me.  It’s something I try to control.

Building off the last point, the Doctor is prone to anger quickly coming to that emotion.  “The fury of the Time Lord” is explored throughout the series.  It’s related to the question as to whether he is a good person or not.  This is one area I have seen significant improvements in.  It is okay to angry, but sometimes my anger was ineffective in achieving my goals.  I am not as quick to anger as I used to be.  I think a part of it is that I don’t live with my parents anymore.  I still have much room for improvements.

The Doctor’s fears of abandonment and loneliness has given away to trust issues.  Too many people have betrayed him.  We never learn his actual name throughout the series.  He doesn’t trust anyone with it.  He keeps a lot of himself a secret.  He will refrain from being vulnerable around others including his companions.  He’ll always say that he’s fine, that he is always fine.  This is the classic thing that someone battling mental illness says to cover up their emotions from others.  It is something that I have said in times of distress many times because I am afraid that people will judge me or betray me or leave me.  River Song tells him to trust her.  She whispers his real name in his ear to prove to him that she is worthy of trust.  Even then, he has his reservations.  When learning River was a prisoner for killing man and she doesn’t reveal who, he questions her and why future self would trust her.  There is always constant questioning of other people’s motives and intentions.  When Rose saves her dad’s life altering a fixed point in time, the Doctor is quick to accuse her of selfishness, that she only wanted onto the TARDIS to save her dad, that she was only using the Doctor.  Though Rose’s decision was impulsive and unwise to say the least, the audience isn’t as quick to accuse her of that.  We get the sense that she had a genuine care for the Doctor and actually wanted to travel in the TARDIS for the purpose of exploration.   As we millennials like to say, I feels.

Thoughts of suicide and self-harm or disassociation are not attributes that we can necessarily observe or be able to observe in the Doctor.  We do know that he does tend to view his life as less important as others.  He’s hinted that death may be a gift for someone who lives so long.  He is quick to sacrifice himself.  He gets angry at River when she tries to save him and tell him that the universe doesn’t want him to die.  He’s willing to neglect his life for the sake of others.  When he tried to destroy Gallifrey, he didn’t expect or want to live.  The ninth Doctor explained it wasn’t his choice.  The Doctor seems to be depressed that he didn’t die after ending the Time War, that his guilt is unbearable at times.  I don’t think I can delve much further on this particular aspect of his character to be honest.  

I have thought about this for a long time as you probably can tell.  I am still in love with the Doctor and it is one the view shows that I garner pleasure from when I am severely depressed.  It can distract me from my sometimes very intense and unbearable emotions. I believe this in large part due to how much I relate to the Doctor, that maybe I may not be an absolute monster.  Maybe, I’m not that bad of a person.  Maybe I’m someone that can be loved just like the Doctor. Maybe I am just as interesting and unique.  Maybe at times I can be the hero and not the villain that I always view myself to be. I continue to love the series and I can not wait to see Jodie Whittaker’s depiction of the character when I am able to get access to the episodes.  I am sad to say goodbye to Capaldi, but the story always continues. 

[bleedingcoffee42]

Notorious AU- Part 2

Part 1   Guess who needs another WIP?  ME. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Riza sat on the southbound train listening to the chatter of passengers, enjoying that none of the topics they were discussing had anything to do with her father.   Even before the trial, the actions of her father had weighed on her and his paranoia had rubbed off on her as well.   Little did she know that her observations of increased traffic on their road, more frequent deliveries and the occasional electrical oddities were legitimate.   Now it all made sense and she hated to admit to herself that maybe Berthold Hawkeye was right about something: They were being watched.  She felt eyes on her now, but not because someone was whispering about her.   Roy Mustang was coming back with a drink and some sandwiches.  “I thought you went to report in. If you told me you were going for food I would have given you an order.”

“I did.”  Roy returned to his seat and gave Riza a ham sandwich and a cup of coffee.   “However, we'll be at the border soon and it will take a while for them to go through passports, cargo and documents.   I thought you might like a little something to tide you over until the next stop.”

She took the sandwich and toyed with the paper it was wrapped in.   “Did you get a promotion for recruiting me?  Perhaps hazard pay for getting in the car with a drunk driver?”

Roy tried not to smile.   She was clever about how she indirectly asked for information and he appreciated it a little too much.  “Actually...I got some news from home.  Your father died.  I'm sorry.”

Riza wasn't expecting that.   All she could say was, “How?”

“According to the coroner he was a sick man.”  Roy said and watched her face.  “He was supposed to be on medication for that.”

“Medication that was provided for by his state health insurance.”  She said softly.  “He renounced all connections to the military, felt that the incentives he enjoyed were part of the reason he allowed himself to create what he did.  At least that's what he told me.  I just thought he was broke.  I shouldn't be surprised.”

Roy watched her look away, look out the window at the changing scenery as the train traveled around a bend toward another country.   “I will see to it that he has a funeral. If you need to...”

“He should be cremated.”  She said matter-of-factly.  “Buried in the ground of the country he betrayed, that doesn't seem right.   His grave site will be desecrated and that would not be right to put my dead mother through that.  No funeral.  Everyone who knew him has already said goodbye.”

“I was asking what you needed, not him.”  Roy said.  

“I'm relieved I guess. I was so scared of him and his ideas.   I never understood him.   I couldn't understand his decision to betray his country, his family and his life's work the way he did.   All he said was it was too dangerous and nobody should have it.”  She looked back at Mustang who seemed genuine.  She didn't know if that was an act, part of his job, but she just wanted someone to believe her.  “He betrayed me because he dedicated himself to that work after my mother died and left me to raise myself.   He chose that work over me, because it was so damned important, and then in the end...”

Roy watched her bite her lip, clearly realizing she had said too much.   Then she looked out the window on the other side of the aisle as the train slowed and saw the beauty of the mountain range that was the southern border of Amestris.  She leaned over the armrest to get a better view and he studied the curve of her jaw and the sheer beauty of her face and the glint in her eye as she saw the breathtaking view.   He was going to have to keep reminding himself to choose work over her, because there was something about Riza Hawkeye that just took his breath away.

Xxxxxxxxxxx

“When are we going to find out what my country expects me to do for them?”  Riza asked as she and Roy sat outside a busy bistro in a city called Ponte Vecchio in Aerugo.   They had been here a week and she was getting anxious.   Roy was the only person she knew here and she didn't know him at all.  He was being very careful to stay professional, not divulge anything personal and keep an established distance.  

“Unfortunately it's a waiting game.” Roy said as he looked at the morning news.   “We won't know what our mission is until we see if you are contacted by the ex-state alchemists who sought refugee here.”

She watched him as he read the Aerugo newspaper, she was impressed at how fluent he was in the language when they arrived.   One more thing she relied on him for.  She leaned back in her chair and looked at him and shook her head.  “What if you're the reason they aren't contacting me?  You look like you're some kind of cop.”

Roy lifted his eyes to her, she wore that playful smile meant to break him down into a personable human.   It bothered her she was at the disadvantage here, he couldn't blame her for trying to get something out of him.   He wouldn't think much of her if she just accepted the situation and let some stranger put her life at risk without asking questions.  “Really?  The waitress seems to think we're a couple.”

“The waitress was feeling out the situation so she could hit on you.”  Riza countered.  

He went back to reading the paper.   “I'm sure the manager at the hotel was doing the same when I asked for adjoining rooms and he tried to put you on a different floor.”

“Oh, so you aren't blind to it after all.”  Riza said and leaned on the table.  “What's the matter? You don't want to make that our cover story?   You could be my secret lover who smuggled me out of the country.”

“That wouldn't work.”  He said. They had considered it, well his partner had considered it. Maes always went for the fake married option.  

“Why? Afraid you might fall in love with me?”

“That wouldn't be hard.”  Roy didn't lift his eyes from the words in the paper.   He  wondered if she saw a weakness in him somewhere or if this was just another attempt to get the higher ground.  He figured the statement wouldn't give an edge to either of them and would end the conversation.  “If you're here with someone then you are less likely to be approached by this group.   The whole angle of this mission is to show you as vulnerable, without a home or country.   You become less likely to be turned if you have loyalties to someone, anyone, else.   This group has welcomed fleeing alchemists with open arms, wooing them with security and promise of research funding.  They need to see you as a victim of the government they turned against, then you'll be more inclined to see their cause as worthy enough to join.”

“So what are you then, if not my boyfriend?”  Riza watched him closely.

“Your bodyguard.”  He said firmly and looked up to see the amusement in her eyes.  

“So...” Riza said as she played with her napkin.   The truth finally came out.  It always came back to her father in some way.   “I have the money to hire you to protect me then?  From the sale of that research?”

“That's the implication.”  He said and she looked down at the table, something finally finding it's way past her armor.  

“I didn't have the money to even pay for my father's cremation.”  She said and looked up at him.   She wondered if he asked about her wishes for her father's remains so the government could find out of there was a stash of money somewhere.   They had to be plenty of people wondering where all that money went. Surely that research was worth a fortune, surely his life and loyalty had to be worth some vast amount.   Surely.

“I took care of it.”  Roy assured her.

Riza stared into his eyes, she had never had a problem holding a stare.   “I believe you.   I wish...you could believe me.  I could use someone believing in me right now.”

“Do you think I would be here, in a foreign country that is aggressive towards our own, if I didn't completely believe in your abilities?”

“Believing in what someone is capable of doing, that's not believing in them.”  She said and broke eye contact.  “That leads to disbelief when they show you they are capable of things you never imagined they could be.”

Roy stood up and said, “Lets go back to the hotel.”

“Why?”  She asked.  “So you can call your contact and report you failed to extract my bank account number?”

“I think you need more details about this than I was allowed to give you.”  He replied and took money out to pay the bill.   He was going to catch hell for this, but he didn't care.  He'd file it under 'managing the asset' or some other bullshit term.  She needed a restoration of faith, he couldn't send her into this mission without the belief someone was watching her back.  “So let's go back to your room where we have some privacy.”

She looked up at him and said, “Why?”

“I don't think this will work if I treat you like an asset.”  Roy said and straightened his jacket as she stood and got her purse.   “I think, we need to be partners.”

“Why?”  She whispered.

“You ask too many questions.”  He said and she narrowed her eyes at him, wondering if that was the reason or an admonishment.  

[nellie-elizabeth]

Supernatural: The Big Empty (13x04)

This season is kicking serious ass. I love it so much I cannot even tell you. Let's just dive right in!

Cons:

My complaints are really minor. There's a moment at the end when Jack steps in and saves the day, but the special effects looked pretty goofy. They did this sort of subwoofer sound effect and slow-mo and his eyes glowed gold and it was just kind of hokey.

Pros:

That's literally my only complaint. I sat there for a second trying to come up with something else I disliked, and I couldn't.

The main story involves Sam, Dean, and Jack hunting down a shifter who is disguising himself as lost loved ones before killing his victims. They think they've found the culprit, a therapist named Mia, but she proves her innocence. She is a shifter, but she uses her powers to give her patients a chance for closure. Turns out, it's her terrible, abusive ex-boyfriend, Buddy, who is also a shifter and who is trying to take away her happiness. The shifter gets the best of Mia, Dean, and Jack while Sam is away following up on a lead. It looks like Sam is going to get shot when he walks in the door, as Buddy has the whole situation rigged, but Jack manages to access his powers in time to save the day.

First of all, I like that the plot was simple and straightforward. We didn't need five different twists, we didn't need too many detours. Dead people are killing living folks. Ghost? No. That's ruled out. Shifter? Yes. The first shifter they find? No. I was almost waiting for yet another double cross, and was pleasantly surprised when it never arrived.

And speaking of, I really liked Mia! The moment when Sam realizes she's a shifter, and comes bursting into the room with a gun, was the perfect subversion of expectations. Sam and Dean both hold a gun on her, but she explains her innocence and the boys actually let her explain herself. They've certainly come a long way from shooting monsters on sight! And I loved the parallels that this created with Jack. Mia has learned to believe that being a "monster" isn't everything. It's not what you are - it's what you do with that. I was really pleased that while the disgusting, abusive Buddy got the ax, Mia lives to fight another day.

Jack is... just adorable and precious in all ways and I want to adopt him? I love that Sam and Dean are taking on pseudo-parenting roles with him, albeit very unwillingly in Dean's case. Sam accuses him of being like their father was, and Dean shoots back defensively, wondering if there's a problem with that. Both Sam and Mia point out to Dean that Jack is clearly scared of him, and just wants his approval. There's such a sad echo of Dean's own desperate seeking of approval with his father. It seems pretty clear that Dean can't look at Jack without being reminded of what he's lost, but by the end of the episode he throws the kid some praise, telling him he did a good job when saving Sam and Dean's life. This is such an utterly fascinating dynamic and I can't wait to see where it goes from here.

One of the highlights of the episode is Jack and Mia's private moment, where Mia shifts into the shape of Kelly, to give Jack the chance to talk to her and hold her and feel as if he's with his mother for the first time. This was just so emotional in every way shape and form, and the acting was spot-on.

Then you've got the Sam and Dean dynamic going on. The two of them, along with Jack posing as their little brother, go to therapy with Mia to try and figure out what's going on with the deaths in town. It's meant to be just for show, but Dean lets his resentment out into the session when he accuses Sam of being delusional for not admitting that Mary is dead. Sam lets out with one of the key reasons behind his grief - Dean was the one who had the relationship with Mary. Dean's the one who remembers her from when they were little, and Dean's the one she connected with upon her return. How is Sam supposed to accept that he's lost the chance to have a real relationship with his mother? He storms out of the room.

Now, in any other episode of Supernatural, Sam and Dean might have a fix-it conversation at the end and things would get a little better, but in this one, the outburst literally happens in front of a therapist, who calls Dean out in no uncertain terms: "you just made your brother so upset that he had to leave the room." In the end, we do get that fix-it conversation, and it's even more heartbreaking that you'd imagine. Dean apologizes for being a dick, and then Sam reveals an awful fear - what if Dean is right, and Mary really is dead, and he's just been in denial? Dean says he doesn't want to hear that - "I need you to keep the faith for both of us, because right now I don't believe in a damn thing." Dean admitting that he's hit rock bottom and he's willing to accept help from Sam is just such a critical turning point for their character arcs this season. I'm all about it.

This episode's title is "The Big Empty," which of course refers to the subplot with Cas that I'll be talking about next... but it also refers to the theme of grief that's prevalent through the episode. It's notable that nobody in the main plot ever mentions Cas' name. On the surface, the grief in this particular story is centered on the loss of mothers - Jack grieves for Kelly and Sam and Dean grieve for Mary. Jack learns that Sam wants him to help save Mary, and he's all on board for the plan, while of course Dean doesn't believe it's possible. We get all of these conversations and moments to talk about grief and the emptiness and lack of faith that comes with it, and meanwhile the specter (not literally in this case) of Castiel is hovering over the entire episode. We know he's not really gone, but on earth he's just left an emptiness.

Okay. Misha Collins. You're amazing, dude. This week, he gets to pull out yet another character, playing The Empty as a manifestation of the nothingness that came before the creation of everything. It's just a black nothingness, infinite and older than time itself. I love the idea of a place where eternal sleep is really a thing. It's not Heaven, but it's not Hell. You're just... done. And the manifestation of the Empty is eternally asleep as well, that is until Cas wakes up (thanks to Jack's powers) and starts disturbing his beauty rest. Cue a series of scenes where the Empty tries to get Cas to just give up and go back to sleep, and Cas stubbornly refuses to do so. In the end, we see Cas wake up, apparently back on Earth.

The Empty had this weird accent and this sort of jittery sense about him that reminded me a little bit of Crazy God Cas or Casifer, but not enough that it was just a copy of either of those things. Misha did a great job of creating a properly sinister yet still undeniably charming entity in the brief time we had with the Empty. The character creation was also good from a writing standpoint. It makes sense why this guy wouldn't be a mover and a shaker in inter-dimensional politics or power struggles. He's made of nothing and he'd just like to be nothing for the rest of time. Cas being awake is messing with that for him.

You've also got the fact that Cas' first guess when asked why he's awake is that the Winchesters must have made a deal to save him. He's not sure what's up, but the minute he has awareness of himself, all he wants is to go back, because Sam and Dean need him. The Empty tries to get through to him with self-loathing, telling him he's a worthless burden, that there's nothing waiting for him back on Earth... he says some stuff about knowing Cas' inner soul, and mentions knowing "who you love," which my shipper heart reacted to quite violently. Jury's still out on that one, though - it's possible the Empty was talking about Kelly. Or, I don't know, "humanity" or some crap like that. Regardless, the most incredible thing about all of this is that it doesn't work. Cas does not waiver in his desire to escape from the Empty, because he knows that his family wants him to come back. This is such a big step for Cas, who just a few seasons ago was allowing Lucifer to possess him because he didn't think he was worthy of helping out in his own right.

I've seen some rumblings in the interweb worrying that the figure we saw at the episode's end was the Empty, and not Castiel. I definitely see the worry, but I'm really hoping, for the sake of selfish desires and narrative building, that this is Cas, truly back from the dead. They created such a cool concept for the Empty, a creature of nothingness that just wants to sleep. It would be weird if that creature popped into the mortal realm for no good reason. And also, we've got the scene transition, where Dean tells Sam that he doesn't believe in a damn thing, and then literally the next shot is Cas appearing back in our world, pretty much ordained with the sole purpose of restoring Dean Winchester's faith. I am just all about that.

So... there you have it. This was an excellent episode. I'm enormously pleased that Jack seems to be sticking around as a more permanent figure in the season instead of jumping in and out of the story like so many cast members have in the past. I can't wait for Cas' return and all the epic reunions!

9.5/10

[fallen029]

Solace.5

It wasn't immediate by any means. It was actually kinda of frustrating. From the first time she opened her eyes to that moment, it'd been noting, but a slow agonizing hell.

Laxus had always thought that when someone went into a coma, that it was kinda just like going to sleep. All the battles he'd been in, he'd gotten a few concussions before. Even passed out a few times. It was always just a spring back into action moment for him.

But apparently, after being down for so long, Mira wasn't going to be that way.

The first time she opened her eyes, he got super excited. Then she closed them again and didn't wake up for a few hours. Porlyusica said that it was normal and not to fret.

But he did. Fret. A lot. Because apparently she couldn't see anything and would move some times, but still wasn't conscious. After a day of that rollercoaster, she finally was able to open her eyes fully and could actually make eye contact with them. But she still wasn't her. Not really.

He got kicked out about then, from the room, along with everyone else, so that Porlyusica could examine her. Something about brain injuries or something.

Whatever.

Everyone down in the guild was basically using her awakening as an excuse to drink and party. Laxus just sat on the second floor steps and waited.

"This isn't going to be good."

He glanced up to find Lisanna standing in front of him, completely sober and not the least bit excited.

"Is it?"

Laxus only shifted on the step until she moved to sit down next to him.

"Apparently," he told her softly as everyone around them cheered. "Brain damage is serious and comas are a big deal. She was under for so long that…" He shrugged again. "Don't matter what's wrong with her. She's still Mirajane."

"But what if she needs us to, like, care for her for the rest of her life? Or something? And-"

"Would you not if she did?"

"Of course I would, Laxus. I'm not asking about me and Elf. We'll do whatever."

"Then what?"

She only stared at him as he turned to glance down at her too.

"You're not married to her," she told him softly before taking her own turn to shrug. "And if… You don't gotta-"

"Shut up, Lisanna."

"I'm trying to-"

"Mirajane's going to be fine," he told her gruffly. "And if not, well, then she's going to have me right there to take care of her until she is."

"But what if she never gets better?"

He only shook his head. "The only family I got is Gramps. Mira ain't ever have no problem with taking care of me too. I'm not going anywhere. She doesn't have to be my wife. She's as close to being a wife as someone can get. I don't care what you and your stupid brother do. Mira's mine too. Got it?"

Instead of saying anything, Lisanna just took to leaning up against Laxus' shoulder then, closing her eyes. And after a moment, he shifted to better accommodate that.

It didn't matter what was wrong with Mirajane. 'cause it wouldn't matter to her what was wrong with him. She'd nurse him back to health even if she knew it was futile. She'd be there till the bitter end and he was prepared to do the same thing.

"You two. Come here. Leave the crying one out there."

They turned and glanced behind them to see Porlyusica at the top of the stars, along with Makarov. Quickly, Lisanna and her sister's boyfriend got to their feet and rush up the stairs.

"What can't Elfman know?" Lisanna asked, about ready to cry herself, just from the thought. "What-"

"Nothing, child," Makarov told her with a sigh. "Porlyusica just doesn't rather like him."

"He is too big and too weepy. I hate him above the rest of you."

Laxus was too concerned with Mirajane to take any sort of joy out of that fact. He just headed to the infirmary to check on his girlfriend and figure out what the next step was.

"She's conscious, but resting," Porlyusica said as they made it into the room. Mira was still in her same bed, seemingly sleeping. "Let's leave her that way for now, yes?"

"Can she…function?" Lisanna asked softly as Laxus went over to her bedside to stare down at her. "Or-"

"It's going to be slow," Porlyusica sighed as she went over to a small table where she had some of her stuff. "And she shouldn't leave this room for a few more days. Even when she does, it's going to be very touch and go."

"Should she go to your place then?" Makarov asked. The pink hair woman seemed shocked at the suggestion.

"No," she told him. "She shall not be going there."

"Then wha-"

"I cannot be here at all times, but the young medic, she is more of capable when I am absent. And should anything major happen, she will send for me."

Laxus just kept staring down at Mirajane. "You're putting her life in the hands of Wendy? She's only-"

"She's not a little kid any longer," Makarov sighed. "Though it is hard for us to realize that at times. She is going to be our healing mage when…when you have finished your time here, Porlyusica."

"The sooner, the better," his former teammate agreed.

"In any event," Makarov said, heading over to go stand by his grandson then. Lisanna was still just openly staring at Porlyusica, as if she were a god that held her sister's fate in her hands. "Things will not be easy, Laxus. She's not…well."

He only shrugged. "But she'll wake up?"

"She is awake now," Porlyusica told him. "Or at least not in a coma any longer. But she will have trouble speaking and walking. It will take some rehabilitation, of course. Her brain was in a comatose state for some time. This is expected. As it is now, she won't be able to communicate with you in most ways. I will monitor her for the next few days and we shall see where we go from there."

Laxus couldn't help himself then as he reached out and gently brush his hand across her cheek. He kept stroking it too.

"Can she hear us?" Lisanna asked softly. "Now?"

"I believe so."

"Hey." Laxus leaned down then, so he could speak softly to the woman. "Mirajane. It's us. Me. Laxus. Don't worry about us right now. Do whatever you have to, alright? We'll be here when you wake up. Promise."

If one thought that he was obsessive before, Laxus was full on devoted to Mirajane then. He didn't leave her side once. Her eyes would flicker sometimes and once, he swore that she squeezed his hand, but still, she wouldn't wake up.

Not that he cared. He was just as faithful as before. He sat by her bedside for long hours, just talking to her. Now that Porlyusica said that she might be able to hear him, might be comforted by that fact, he took it upon himself to make sure that she knew above and beyond that he was there.

And then, yeah, Elfman and Lisanna filtered in and out. Bickslow and Evergreen as well. But Laxus actively ignored all of them. He just focused on his girlfriend.

One night, after the bar had closed and Elfman and Lisanna were resting on the other cots in the room, Bickslow having fallen asleep downstairs and Ever having gone home, Laxus found himself in the dark with his girlfriend. There were no lights on and he was hunched over in his seat, head rested against the cot next to her, as one of his hands laid clasped in hers. He was trying hard not to fall asleep, but it was a losing battle.

"Mira," he whispered softly as he drifted off. "If you wake up… I brought the ring here, huh? The second you can tell me yes, I'mma ask you. Even though you already found it, you little snoop. I'm not even mad though. Just want you to wake up. Please?"

And because he was so sure that all the others were asleep and couldn't hear him, he shifted to kiss her stomach before saying, "If not for me, then do it for our baby, huh?"

Then he fell asleep for awhile.

There was this once, when they first started dating, where Laxus really thought that it wasn't going to work out.

It was after he'd admitted that yes, she was his girlfriend and she'd come to terms with the fact that she very much so had fallen for the second-generation Dragon Slayer. That didn't mean, however, that they didn't have their problems.

"Laxus!"

Ugh. He remembered literally groaning then as he sat at the breakfast table in the Strauss house. Lisanna, who was over at the toaster waiting for it to pop up, glanced at him.

"What'd you do?" she'd asked as Elfman, who was already at the table eating, only shook his head.

"Whatever it is, it doesn't sound good," he told the other man. Laxus just slowly sat down his fork next to his plate of eggs that Mirajane had made him only a few minutes earlier. Then she'd headed off to the bedroom to get ready for work.

What could he have possibly-

"Come here! Now!"

"I'd just go," Lisanna told him as she glanced over her shoulder at him. "I've played the waiting game before. It only makes her more upset."

"The worst she can do is wag a finger in your face," Elfman assured him. "So watch out."

Blinking, Laxus slowly got to his feet before heading off through the house to his girlfriend's bedroom.

"Mira?" he called softly. "Are you-"

"You do not just leave your dirty underwear on the floor, Laxus. We have gone over this before."

He blinked as he found Mira gong around her bedroom, picking up his discarded clothes.

"We were getting ready to have sex, Mira. I just stripped."

"And you pick them up and put them in the hamper when we're done. Or are you that incompetent?"

That was just one instance of him having to stand there and think, damn, it's true what they say. The hot ones are crazy.

But if the hot were crazy, the queen of the sexy was completely insane.

He wasn't allowed to leave hair on the soap. And if he even so much as left the cap to the tooth paste a little loose, he was in trouble. And when he shaved, there had better not be any of his hairs left in the sink because, ooh, Mirajane would rip him a new one for that.

Those were just her bathroom rules though. He also wasn't allowed to drink more than four beers unless she specified otherwise. And come home drunk? Forget about it.

And muddy shoes meant getting kicked out of the house. Or even his own apartment, once. And if he even tried to fool around some when she'd already told him no, it led to him sleeping on the couch.

She was certifiable.

…But he stuck around through it all.

Because he had to admit, when he took a stock of his life, when he revisited certain aspects of it, Mirajane was slowly, but surely making him a way better man.

He didn't find himself drunk, up at the guild or another bar, with no way to get home. He was actually able to hold conversations with other guild members besides the Thunder Legion (not the damn Salamander though) and he never, ever woke up in the bed with some woman that he didn't know the name of with no memory of whether there was a rubber involved or not.

For the first time in his life, he wasn't only happy, he was actually content. He had someone to fall back on, someone that wasn't going anywhere, and wasn't just using him. He had a girlfriend. One that he not only was faithful to, but actually in love with.

And the sex wasn't too bad either.

But the point was, for as crazy as Mirajane was, her rules were helping him. He cut down on drinking, wasn't as much as a slob, was making more friends. She might have been changing him, fine, but it was definitely for the better.

At the moment, that was all he could think of.

If it had been any other woman he was with, no way he'd have sat at their bedside, ready to sacrifice his future just to make sure they were okay. But as he sat there, next to Mirajane, he was so prepared to give everything up, his future, his happiness, all of it, just for her.

He loved her. More than he loved himself.

Her eyes were opened, but that didn't mean much. She'd been doing that for a couple of days. She could follow them with her eyes, could focus in on them, at certain points. Mostly though, she just rested.

Wendy and Porlyusica were in the room as well, taking care of her, but mostly Laxus just watched her and waited. She hadn't spoken yet, but she was rather responsive with squeezing their hands and such. No one knew for sure yet, how far she'd actually progress back to her old self, but Laxus didn't care.

Mirajane was Mirajane, no matter what.

"Hey," Laxus whispered to her softly as one point as she only laid there, staring at him blankly. "Can you hear me? I just… I'm here, alright? And I ain't going nowhere."

And he didn't. Even Lisanna had taken to not leaving. Bickslow would bring her things to drink and stuff sometimes, but Porlyusica refused to let his babies upstairs, in case they bothered Mirajane. Even though he usually wouldn't agree to go anywhere without them, he made an exception then, just for Lisanna.

The days for Laxus though seemed just as long as before they knew if she'd ever wake up. This was mainly because before, he had been deluded in thinking that if she just opened her eyes, everything would be okay again. But reality was beginning to set in.

He might have to, like, give her sponge baths and help her go to the bathroom. Feed her. Basically just care for her for the rest of his life.

Which, if he was going to be a mage, would be impossible. He'd have to stop that. He'd need to be home with her at all times.

It would be a lie to say that his stomach didn't tense up at the thought. Though he'd told Lisanna he'd be there for Mirajane, it was a lot to take on. That was something you do for your partner, like, after fifty years and you're both too old to function. Not at their age. He'd be throwing his entire life away.

But then he'd look at Mirajane and know that he couldn't just walk away. Couldn't just leave her. Not when she was trying to save the guild in a way that he himself probably would have.

He'd heard the story. About how there'd been another take over mage in the group that had descended on Fairy Tail. A dark guild. They were actually targeting Mirajane and her brother. Their mage wanted the demons within the other two. And the only way to get them was to kill them.

So it was demon versus demon and, well, Mirajane had held her own as far as he knew. But it was just one hit, one slam, where her head didn't land right. And it was lights out.

Then Natsu had stepped in because, well, when didn't he, and that was the end of that. But was it not scary to thing of what happened to Mira could happen to any of them? And she had enhanced durability, no doubt. She would have had to hit the ground with such force…

No. It didn't matter what he had to do for her. He was going to be right there, every step of the way. He loved her. He needed her. And if she needed him then, well, it wouldn't be love if he wasn't right there to help her out.

"Lis... Lis…"

"Shhh. It's okay. You don't have to speak. Just rest, Mira."

That was what Laxus heard as he walked back into the infirmary one day. He had just go off to take a leak and what did he miss? Ugh. Life was unfair.

Lisanna had taken his seat while he was gone, stroking Mira's hand gently as she held it and just stared at her sister. Mirajane was sitting up some and seemed more alert than usual.

"Lis..."

And apparently more vocal.

She'd moaned a lot and had grunted before, just to let them know that she could hear them, but she hadn't managed any actual words before that time. So needless to say, Laxus was in a state of shock as he just stood there, in the infirmary, staring at his girlfriend.

She was just looking at her sister, staring at her really, as Lisanna kept her gaze.

Laxus. She should be saying Laxus. Frowning, he came closer, going to stand behind Lisanna's chair. Wendy was in the room and was coming over as well, but Elfman had gone downstairs to eat. It was just the three of them and Mirajane.

"I should go get Porlyusica," Wendy said then before glancing at Lisanna. "I'll be right back. She's downstairs with Master."

But Lisanna only continued to watch her big sister who had fallen silent. But Mira's eyes had shifted then, to Laxus', and he only stared back.

"Shhh," Lisanna was still mumbling, though her tears were welling up in the corners of her eyes. "Mirajane."

"I've waited for how long and you can't even speak to me first?"

"Laxus-" Lisanna whispered at his words, but he was only moving then to kiss Mira's head.

"Take your time," he sighed against her flesh before going to grab another chair. "I can wait."

And he did. Wait. Even more. Three days later still only had her speaking in bits. Laxus had moved the ring back to his pocket, as he figured it wasn't a good idea to stress her yet. The better she got, he'd revisit the subject.

He was mostly concerned with his baby at that point, growing inside of her. What Mira's current state would mean for it. Porlyusica told him though that they were more focused on keeping Mirajane well over the life of a fetus.

Which he was a little annoyed about, but saw the importance in it.

It was a few days later when Mirajane was actually able to stand up, though she couldn't walk very far, and could actually answer basic questions that Laxus asked her to marry him. It was when everyone else was out of the room for once and it was just the two of them.

Mira had been just listening to him talk, which he found he did a lot of in those days, and it just kinda slipped out. He was telling her about how he was with her no matter what, thick and thin, that he didn't care if she was like the way she was for the rest of her life. He was there for her. Period.

…And somehow he found himself proposing and reaching into his pocket to get the ring. He wasn't even thinking about it, not really. Just sort of…did it.

That had to have been the clearest Laxus had ever heard Mirajane speak since waking up. That yes was the one thing he wanted to hear and the only thing he heard. Then he gave her a kiss and Mira was smiling, letting him know that none of it mattered anymore. She'd be okay.

They'd be okay.

At one point, he actually found himself grinning, at the way Elfman was excitedly explaining to Mirajane all the things that had been going on while she'd been unconscious. And watching the way that Lisanna was with her made Laxus feel…different. Odd.

They were his family then. Both of them. And he actually felt himself beginning to care about them.

Disgusting. But…nice too. Very nice.

And he realized too, very quickly, that just wasn't taking in those two idiots. Evergreen was practically in heaven over Mirajane agreeing to marry Laxus because somehow, in her mind, that brought her one step closer to him.

Not that Bickslow was much better. He was just as ecstatic over the whole thing, sitting there with Lisanna as they spoke softly to Mirajane about what sort of wedding it would be and how excited they both were to start planning it.

Freed though, as always, was the voice of reason in everything.

"It has taken a toll on her, just to get where she is."

"Yeah," he said as the two of them sat down stairs at the bar. Porlyusica had kicked him and the others out again to examine Mirajane, so he was using it as a chance to eat a little. "I know."

"There is no way to know if-"

"I've already gone through it all, in my head, so if you're trying to-"

"I am not saying anything," Freed told him as he bowed his head, his most faithful of followers. "Merely that should you need me, the Thunder God Tribe, for anything, we will be there. We always have been there. And we will stay there, through all of this.

"But," he continued. "This is a big step for you. And I only mean to offer my condolences, if it does not turn out in the way you are expecting. It is only the start after all, Laxus. And I trust your judgment and your commitment, but you there is no way to know what you'll feel in the coming months."

"No," he agreed softly. "But I do know what I won't feel. And I won't feel like leaving Mira behind. So everything else is just irrelevant."

When he got back upstairs to Mirajane later, he felt just the same. It wasn't just about duty or loyalty. Or love. It was because it was just the right thing to do.

And fine, he hadn't always done what was right. In fact, the wrongs probably outweighed any of the rights he had done. But that was just the man he was then. That Mira made him.

He was going to be with her. Forever. She gave him stability, comfort, succor.

Mirajane was his solace. From all the horrible things he had done and all the ones that he would have done without her. And you just don't walk away from something like that.

Ever.

"What do you truly think then? Did those herbs help anything? Or was she going to wake up to begin with?"

Porlyusica didn't glance down at the slight man as she continued to pack up the few things she'd brought with her to the guildhall that day.

"I couldn't say, truthfully. But it was quite a show of faith on the boy's part. And the red head as well."

Makarov nodded, continuing to watch as she prepared to leave. She'd be back in the morning to check in on Mirajane. It was good for him as much as anybody that the barmaid was doing better. He'd lost much sleep over it. Whenever one of his children were hurt, it troubled him. But Mirajane was special. She'd helped him through many things.

He didn't pick favorites, but if he had to, well…

"What about the child?" he asked softly then. Lisanna was the only one in the room that didn't know, but she was curled up in a cot, sleeping. And Laxus was laying with his head against Mira's bed as she too rested, his headphones in for once. Like usual.

They were forging a new normal, slowly, but surely.

"I do not know, Makarov," she told him with a sigh. "But I think… I think it has suffered little damage. And should everything go on alright from here, it should be fine."

"Good." He bowed his head then before glancing back at Laxus. "Very good."

"I just wonder at what cost though."

"Hmmm?"

Porlyusica was finished packing up her stuff and turned to leave then. Not before glancing once more over at her patient.

"Would you wish to live like that, Makarov? If her recovery does not go as smoothly as expected, then-"

"That," he said, lifting one hand to point at his grandson, "makes it all worth it to me. And her too, I'm sure."

She only let out a soft sigh. "Yes, well, it would have been rather…unfortunate to see your grandson in such pain. Not that I would have cared, but all things considered."

Grinning slightly, he said, "I would not say this is without pain either, but-"

"I can effing hear you idiots," they heard then, the slight growl coming from the man in question as he didn't move his head in the slightest. Porlyusica only narrowed her eyes at him while Makarov grinned.

"And that means Mira can. So shut up. She's resting," he grumbled as the healing mage only rolled her eyes and headed to the door. Makarov's words stopped her though.

"I think you have a few things to say before she leaves, do you not, boy?"

Laxus snorted while Porlyusica only shook her head.

"I do not wish to be thanked by him. It would mean nothing to me. It-"

She stopped speaking then as the thunder mage stood slowly from his chair, releasing Mira's hand, which he'd apparently been clutching. After moving to place it gently at her side, he ran his finger gently over the engagement ring that it was home to then, before turning to walk over to the woman. Porlyusica just stood there as Makarov kept his eyes on his grandson.

The woman was just expecting some sort of show of gratitude. Not…what he did.

"Get off me," she complained as Laxus moved to hug her. And boy, for an old woman, she put up quite the fight. Makarov got a good laugh out of it though, probably the first one he'd gotten since the whole thing began. And even Laxus found himself grinning as she took to beating him with her bag. "You foolish boy!"

The man only released her though, the smile feeling wrong on his face after so long. It was the giggling though that started up from one of the cots that sounded the most odd. When he glanced over there, he found that they'd awoke Lisanna, who was smiling at the sight of her future brother-in-law being put in his place by the woman.

"What's going on?"

Elfman was rushing up the stairs then, having heard Porlyusica scream at Laxus, along with Bickslow and Ever, the former's babies trailing behind.

"Lisanna," the wooden dolls cried as they rushed in as well. Elfman went to his sister's side as Porlyusica took to telling them all that they were making too much noise. That Mirajane didn't need so much stimulation. She had woken up, of course, from all the commotion, but her eyes were only on Laxus as Ever headed over to her boyfriend and Bickslow went to check on Lisanna.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm not crying, Bickslow," she told him as he and his babies came closer. "I'm laughing."

"Are we… Can we do that again?"

It was Laxus though, that answered him, as the man only gave the pink haired healing mage one last long look, a silent appreciation for one she'd done, before she rushed from the room in a fake huff. His grandfather only winked at him though before heading after her.

"Yeah," Laxus told them all, his grin having not left his face the entire time. He only turned to walk over to his girlfriend as Ever's hand slipped into Elfman's and Bickslow's babies took to swarming their 'mother' in an attempt to please her.

Reaching into his pocket, Laxus pulled out a rubber band, which he used when he got to Mira to gently pull her bangs out of her face and pull up into that tiny pony tail she did with them.

"We can," he told them all softly before leaning down to kiss her forehead. Mirajane whispered something to him, softly, to which Laxus only gave her another kiss.

"I love you too," he said, loud enough for them all to hear. He didn't care though.

Everything was only going to look up from there. He just knew it.

How could it not, when he had his whole family there to help him along?

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[tranquil-bitch]

4/10/18 - an overdue realization

1. It all started in the 6th grade, I wasn't "pretty" or "cool" enough for him to date but we were still bestfriends and he definitely liked me the most out of all the girls, we were best friends. he was the first boy I cried over because I loved him. At least I think I did. He never knew how to talk to women though. 2. This is where things really got interesting. 15 going on 16, my best friends new boyfriend met me and said I reminded him of his best friend. It was the most perfect experience of young love. We spent the summer together exchanging nervous little kisses and stares. I remember being high off my ass and laying on him while him and my friends played super Mario and thinking to myself "holy shit I love him, he makes my skin tingle". And I thought constantly if he loved me back and then the first night he told me I couldn't say it fast enough or enough in general. His parents were military and from Hawaii and he wasn't sure if he'd be staying in VB or going back, next thing I know I'm 16 and researching colleges in Hawaii. We were so young and eventually stopped working so well. But he's in love with someone who seems sweet now. 3. 2 years later and I'm a senior in high school. I get a follow on instagram and almost don't follow back, but then I did. Then I realized the guy was actually pretty cute so I gave him a couple likes and then he slid into thy DMs, oh modern love. He told me "you're gorgeous, I just had to say hello". I swooned pretty quickly. Our first meeting we went to the beach on a cold night, he brought beer but forgot blankets. Luckily I remembered them. He said he felt like a total thumb for not thinking of it and I laughed. We spent a couple hours laying on a caravan and talking about life and our ideas and then I made the first move to kiss him. I ended up staying he night but not having sex and then a month later I was asking him to be his girlfriend and he told me relationships set up for failure. We ended up loving eachother but I had to go away to college. Little did I know his first reply when I mentioned a relationship, I was in store for failure and was cheated on. I told him he'd never find a woman like me and 5 months later he's trying to re enter my life. 4. You. I met you in January and you were giving me eyes but I play hard to get nowadays. We became good friends though and had a really fun time. Sadly you're brother got to me first. It was a rebound after his long term girlfriend and he was moving away and I thought nothing of it. For some odd reason you decided to pursue me after he left, and pursue me hard. You made me feel a lot of things, even though you're very unstable and insecure you have the confidence of a lion like myself. You did make me feel secure and comfortable. You gave me a lot more affection and attention than my previous ex. At first you wanted this. You wanted it a little too hard, and I didn't appreciate it. But now you don't want me at all because I fucked your brother. And I tried telling you that if I could take it back I would. I can't tell if I love you or if I love the idea of you getting over that fact for me. I can tell you want me . But you don't want to look like a "bitch" to your friends. Typically 23 year old man mindset, do you really think you'll be friends with all those guys when you're 30 and finally getting serious about life? I think why I'm so attached to you still is because you're more insecure than me. The way you explode and react wrongly, it reminds me of myself. The difference between you and I is I'm growing everyday but you let these things get to you and can't seem to get out of your old ways. I feel so fucking connected to you but you're worried about all the wrong things. And you can only learn that yourself. 5. Me. I've been fading in and out, I always seem to show up for myself when the men in my life leave me but I never realize that I should be here with myself all the time. It's been me the entire time. I'm the one I'm longing for, for the attention, affection, love, support, faith. It's all in myself and I haven't even realized! Our genetic make up is so much different than men and I'll always have a void to be filled by a man but that sure as hell doesn't mean I don't feel loved. It's just a security blanket I guess, I see my mom and Dad and they look happy, they are happy and I feel like my idea of love is cookie cut nowadays because I feel like I'll find it soon but I'm only 19. My parents met when they were 21 and fell in love and it's one of those things I wish could happen but at the same time, they never did things for themselves that were way out of the ordinary. And I'm out of the ordinary, I think I deserve to finally live and let go. Let go from my past relationships and heartbreaks and trauma, all the toxicity. I never needed them but they definitely need me. But I got my own problems and my own shit to do. So right now I'm challenging the universe. Universe, from here on out I'm only doing things for myself and my family, I'm only going to try to do "the right things" for me and myself. I'm going to practice mindfulness and self care and self love, I'm going to read books and drink tea and work out. I'm going to travel and build my own empire. Work towards my own home and my own car. Just stop worrying about men in general. And I challenge you, to take whoever out there going through the same confusion and hurt as I am to send them a sign to do just the same things I'll be doing. And then i challenge you even more to blow them my way. It will probably be a while, but by then I will be a machine, a short skirt long jacket kind of woman, a force to be reckoned with. I'll be so respectable that man won't even know what to do, but he'll be so respectable to I'll know exactly what to do. I challenge myself to become the best version of myself I could be alone. And then when I least expect it,