#healthy habits to start in 2021

[kristinagehrmann]

Freelance strategies that have saved my butt!

Some of them I wish someone had told me when I was a newbie illustrator, some I have used from the start and they're still proving effective. Hope they're helpful <3

1. Decide on a clockout time at the workday's end. Whether 5pm or any other, relax & do nothing more work-related til next day. It sounds counterintuitive, but if your times are random/too long, this will boost productivity & decrease stress! In German it's called Feierabend.

2. Overestimate your deadlines. Especially as a new illustrator it can be hard to accurately tell a client how long a project will take, so make a habit of estimating generously. Don't take on more than one "rush gig" at a time.

3. Don't apologise if you did nothing wrong. Instead, "Thank you for your understanding." (e.g. if you have to reject an unattractive project) is both effective and polite.

4. Have a professional website with an easily accessible email address. It helped me get work long before anyone knew me on social media, even when my skill level was lower than now. From an art director's perspective: www.muddycolors.com/2021/09/why-y...

5. communication is key! Whenever anything is unclear in a client's brief, ASK. When you won't be able to meet a deadline, TELL them. Have clear quote & contract templates ready. Don't have any? Ask a fellow freelancer (like me!) Example for a quote: x.com/KristinaDraws... (99% of project conflicts are due to insufficient communication, this includes vague terms and/or nonexistent contracts!)

6. Your can also ask your fellow pros for pricing information in specific markets. Chances are it's already written down someplace (GAG handbook, blog article...) & they can link you to it. Being specific increases your chances of getting good answers. Pro illustrators have a sincere interest in you knowing & charging good prices - a rising tide lifts all boats!

7. Identify your most productive time of the day. This is when you do your best work. For me it's morning to noon. So I tend to do other chores (grocery shopping, exercise) in the afternoon when I'm more "head tired".

8. To stay hydrated (important!), make it a habit to always keep a drink on your desk. For me that's usually a mug of tea. Hot tea feels good too, bc 90% of the year it's chilly at my desk. I'm also a serious believer in a high fiber diet.

9. Something that has LITERALLY saved my butt: an orthopedic seat cushion (from Bonmedico, bought at Amazon) where the spine can basically "hang free" when you sit. This will turn every desk chair into a healthy one! Be smart and don't use it as an excuse for sitting even longer than you already do, but it does make long periods of sitting to work so, so much easier.

[genericpuff]

Hi! Maybe this is a difficult question with no answer, but as a fan of Rekindled who might want to start their own comic, what do you suggest to avoid burnout? Do you start wiht writting the script right away, you doodle a bit,..? Thanks for reading, I love how you draw big noses, makes me more comfy with mine!

no fr my dark secret is that i've been experiencing burnout with my main original project that I've spent the last decade working on for literally a year now. this isn't the first long hiatus i've taken, the longest one i've ever been on has lasted two years, and it's undoubtedly not the last i'll experience because the lump of salt and fat and tissue that is my brain often overworks itself into exhaustion like a big dummy

rekindled has been my reprieve from the burnout. it has been my vacation from years of working on the same project, meeting the same deadlines, drawing the same characters, over and over and over again since before i was in college.

if there's anything working on rekindled has made clear to me, it's that i'm still capable of drawing comics. the comic-making isn't the problem. it's just that when you work on the same project for years and trap yourself in an uphill battle, eventually your climbing gear is bound to break.

if there's another thing that rekindled has opened my eyes to, it's the insanity that i put myself through prior to rekindled that led to my burnout in the first place.

i get people telling me that they couldn't imagine doing what i do, that even before i had my assistant helping me out, i was still able to put out 30-40 panel updates every week.

but before that, i was putting out 70-90 panel episodes of my original work. every week. full color. full spread action scenes. no assistant. very little financial gain aside from a couple patrons on patreon and one dedicated viewer on twitch, which i was also streaming on 2-3 times a week.

and now that i've been working on rekindled and even finding myself often crunched for time with that, i have zero clue, no idea, a complete lack of comprehension of how i pulled off 70-90 panels a week for months on end. there's a reason it resulted in burnout and i know that now. this comparison is not for the sake of a flex - this comparison is to make it clear that much of what i do isn't the norm and isn't exactly a healthy standard. case in point, i sneezed while sweeping up yesterday morning and it caused a muscle strain in my lower back/hips and i've been working out of my bed since, i'm in a lot of pain and it might mean i don't make any money this week if it's not better by the time i have to do my appointments at my day job on thursday. my need to create my personal passion projects is often at odds with my bad habits of not taking care of myself 。゜゜(´Ｏ`) ゜゜。

when it comes to tackling burnout, your guess is as good as mine. really it just comes down to rest. when burnout - real, true burnout - hits, it's not just "man i'm bored of working on this", it's "i can't even think of looking at this thing let alone working on it", it's basically akin to depression and it's an awful thing that i wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy (even with Rachel, I don't want to psychoanalyze her mental health but it does seem like she's possibly been experiencing burnout with LO for years now and that really sucks for her if that's true). so the solution is just as complicated as the cause, it's not something that you can just rest from for a week and come back from, it takes real long-term healing.

when I found my way out of that 2 year hiatus, it was in spring of 2019 and I decided to just work on a random comic page that wasn't even in the comic I was working on. and then suddenly it was like a switch flicked back into the on position and i didn't even finish what i was working on, i just went back to my original project and i kept working on it until it was finally finished at the end of 2021. as suddenly and randomly as it had set in, it was gone. but i can't just do the same thing this time, it just doesn't work that way.

that said, through all this, i've learned that my need to create is not restricted to any one tangible thing, i'm not doomed or designed to stick with the same words, the same faces, the same ideas until the end of time. while i do try to keep up healthy routines for myself to ensure i'm looking out for my future self and their deadlines and their upload schedules, sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants. and in my case, the heart wanted to take a break from the self-reflective psychological analysis dark fantasy weebo stuff and just draw some pink and blue characters a little less ugly. the self-reflective weebo shit will still be there when i'm done with the pink and blue stuff, and i'll surely have loads of new things to unpack through it once i return.

there are still times when i'm working on rekindled and i'm feeling the creeping hand of my routine destruction digging its claws into my back. the reality is that 30-40 panels is still a lot for someone like myself who's doing this entirely for free, but my definition of normal for a while was so insanely inhumane that even what's still considered a lot by most people's standards feels sane and normal to me after what i put myself through.

i've learned to be more gentle with myself, and to loosen my own expectations of what i'm capable of to ensure i don't do anything like that to myself, by myself, again. i give myself room to create without expectations or the pressure of eyes watching when i can, and i remind myself that even if burnout rears its head again, and again, and again, the will to create is not gone. it's just tired, and resting, and growing, and healing as i am.

anyways that turned into a self-reflective essay post, to answer your question about making stuff ahead of time, i find that's more helpful with just like, planning out a structured story (so you don't write yourself into a corner) but whether or not it helps with burnout kind of depends. because it can just as also easily be the cause of the problem because constantly seeing the stuff you wanna be drawing so far away can be just as much of a morale killer as a motivator. some of the stuff i'm super psyched to write and draw with time gate is years away and that timeline grows longer the more the burnout goes on which makes the struggle feel even more overwhelming and pointless and defeating. so plan ahead, but keep it all within your means if you can. i find what works for me is planning out just general beat-to-beat plot structures (to ensure i at least have a plot skeleton going on so i know where i'm going) then i leave the finer details to when the actual episode i've planned gets closer to fruition and i can get myself in the headspace to write it fully.

also remember that just because you're really excited and motivated to work on your comic doesn't mean you should work yourself into exhaustion - it's a good thing if you're going through the mundane of your daily routine and the whole time you're hyped af to work on your hobby/personal project/etc. because that's what will keep you moving forward, so don't spend all that hype in one place by working and working and working until you're exhausted, because that hype is REALLY hard to get back after you've spent it all.

long post over! hope that helps! best of luck in your projects! ( ´ ∀ `)ノ～ ♡

[unclefathersantateddy]

S2E4 Food Truckin' (2012)

Louise: Why do your armpits smell like cheese?

Gene: And your feet smell like chilli?

Bob: It's because I don't wash.

Gene : But do you season?

S12E5 Seven-tween Again (2021)

Gene: Oh... Dad's chest hair must have stuck on me this morning when I gave him his surprise shower-hug.

Bob: It's not really a surprise when you do it every single day.

It took nine (9) years and ten (10) seasons but Bob went from not washing to showering every day!

Things like depression can cause us to neglect our self care and personal hygiene but it's never too late to start forming healthy habits :)

You can do it too!! Be like Bob, slow and steady wins the race!

[wesxalexandre]

( TIMOTHEE CHALAMET . CIS MAN . HE /HIM ) - the chicago resident , ( WESTLEY “WES" EVANS ) , was heard blaring ( TAKE ME BACK TO EDEN / SLEEP TOKEN ) this morning . the ( TWENTY-FOUR ) year old is a ( WAITER ) in the city & has lived the ( WEST ) tower for ( FIVE YEARS ) . since being here , they have been told to be ( CLOSED-OFF ) , but also ( + INTELLIGENT ) , i guess we'll find out soon !

MUSE INSPO:

Spotify playlist

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BASIC INFO:

Full name: Westley Alexandre Michel Evans

Nickname(s): Wes

Age: 24

Birthday: October 24th

Hometown: Salem, Massachusetts

FAMILY:

Father: Laurence Evans (American)

Mother: Ada Evans (French)

Older brother: potential wc to come

Younger sister: potential wc to come

Daughter: Ivy Evans

IVY:

Name: Ivy Mae Evans

Age: 3

Birthday: November 13, 2021

Eyes: blue

Hair: brown curls

WES:

Appearance:

Height: 5'11

Eye color: hazel

Hair: curly and brown

Body type: lean, slightly muscular. Reference photos: back, stomach

Tattoos: spider on stomach, small butterfly on wrist

Piercings:smiley , ear piercings

Scars: one over his left eyebrow, scars on his back

BIO:

TRIGGER WARNINGS: mentions of child abuse, death, pregnancy,, alcoholism, cheating accusations, pregnancy complications, maternal death, grief, death

Ada's family moved from France to American when she was just a baby. They settled in Chicago and that was the life she knew until she was older and started college, she met a boy in college named Laurence Evans. The two immediately hit it off and they began dating. He was seemingly perfect and Ada quickly decided the she wanted to marry him some day. Despite the disapproval her parents had for Laurence, Ada eloped with him, moving to his hometown of Salem, Massachusetts with him. This is where they settled down and had their first baby together. Their first son was healthy and happy, and several years later they had their second son, Wes.

October 24th, 2000, Westley Alexandre Michel Evans was born a healthy and happy baby boy. They were a happy family, Wes and his brother were great in school and got along, Ada was a sweet stay at home mother after their youngest was born, and Laurence was a well respected officer on the Salem Police force. At least, this is how everyone viewed the Evans. Things weren't always great behind closed doors. Laurence had a temper and he and Ada would fight often, but it never got far beyond little arguments. That was, until an awful night on the force for Laurence. That one night led Laurence back to his bad habits of abusing alcohol. His bad temper worsened, the fights between him and Ada got louder, and finally, he began to accuse Ada of having cheated on him, claiming Wes was a result of an affair. This wasn't true and anyone could see it, given the resemblance between Wes and his father, but Laurence wouldn't let go of that narrative.

Things eventually got physical, Laurence taking out his anger on Ada and it eventually fell on the kids too, especially Wes. Wes did everything he could to protect his siblings from this, especially his little sister, and as he got older he would learn to fight back. And once Wes could handle his own, Laurence stepped away from hurting the family. As long as Wes was around anyway, Wes' older brother had left long before the rest of them did.

Life wasn't easy in the Evans' home and Wes started being reckless, going to parties, drinking, and sleeping around as he hoped to feel anything other than the emotional pain of living in a broken home. And one night when he was gone, his little sister was hurt by their father, and that was finally the last straw, where Ada decided she would leave him. Wes, his mother, and his sister left and moved to Chicago to be with Ada's family once more. At this time, Wes was nineteen years old.

Wes, his mom, and sister lived with his grandparents for a bit before they could get back on their feet. Wes' grandfather helped get him a job at a restaraunt in the city, and eventually helped Wes get an apartment in Marina. Marina is where Wes would meet Holland.

Holland was his neighbor, her laugh was contagious, she had a smile that could melt the coldest winters into summer, she was beautiful and instantly found a place in Wes' heart. They started dating soon after Wes moved in and they stayed together for years. When Holland discovered she was pregnant, they were both scared but they'd both talked about hoping to have families of their own some day, so they decided to keep the baby and figure things out.

It was exciting and terrifying all at once, but it soon turned to a tragedy, yet something beautiful. Holland went into labor November 12th. It was over twenty-four hours of labor that turned into one complication after another. There was an emergency C-section and Ivy Mae was brought into the world, but Holland didn't make it.

Wes was crushed because he loved Holland and wanted to marry her and have this family with her, and Wes often wondered if the universe was punishing him for something with how hard of a life he'd had even since he was a child, but he pressed on. Ivy was a reason to get out of bed every morning, a reason to smile again, and became his whole world.

As years went by, Wes got help in therapy as he tried to find a way to heal from his past and learn how to navigate grief in suit of fatherhood. Things have not been easy and Wes is still trying to work through these feelings and fatherhood, but he's trying and he believes Holland is watching him do his best and watching their daughter become a beautiful soul, just like she was.

[ginnyw-potter]

A recap of 2023

so this is the year I wrote. I wrote more than I have ever done and so I thought it would be nice to look back on 2023 and look a little further back as well.

I used to write fanfic, I think I started about 14 years ago. I am not a native speaker and my English definitely needed some work then. I also have so many qualms about my old writing (I apparently hadn't found out about paragraphs yet), but we all have to start writing somewhere.

I stopped writing little by little, feeling burned out and completely stopped in 2018 (for various reasons). I don't think I wrote anything at all in 2019 or very little. In 2020 I dipped my toes in again with a few oneshots.

End of 2021 is when I started writing again and finally came back to writing Harry Potter fanfic. I started out with a longfic of 70K words! It was a struggle and I think it's like a muscle that wasn't being used. A Guiding Light is the fic that got me back in and I posted it throughout 2022.

And then I started two new fics because I was inspired again. I started posting those at the end of 2022/start of 2023. Knight of Mine and Peverell's Progeny have both surpassed the word count of Guiding Light with ease. It was never my purpose to get to a certain word count, and it is not what I focus on, but going from nearly 0 words in 2020 and slowly increasing, it's amazing to see myself putting out so many words.

And as well this year I focused less on what things I think people want to read and got a little more self-indulgent and it is so rewarding. It really makes me enjoy writing it even more.

My mental health has been shit before and it really took a nose dive in 2018, but this year I finally started feeling like myself again. My anxiety has gotten so much better and in turn I have been sick way less (although I did knock it out of the park at the start of the year with about 5 weeks of various illnesses) so I feel like I can enjoy life more in general. I am not sure if my writing helped me get there or if I am writing more because I am feeling better. All in all, I think writing has been helping me get through various things and it is one of the only things I enjoy doing consistently.

I haven't kept exact track of how much I wrote in the last year but based on my AO3 statistics as they are today (26th of Dec), I think it's safe to say that 2023 has surpassed all the others before.

You can see the majority of what I wrote, 414K of a total 541K, has been posted in the last year. It's crazy to think about. A lot of people found my writing as well this year and it's been so amazing getting that feedback ...as well as crazy paternity guesses with emojis, begging me for horse smut (that is still a no-you know who you are) and bribing me to update early... they really do make my day and some of you are too funny for your own good.

Looking ahead a little, I want to see what else I can achieve in the upcoming year. I am not setting any specific goals for myself other than continuing to work on my ongoing fics and not starting too many new ones (*pushes Pirate AU back under the bed*) Buut I am curious how much writing I actually get up to and so I made myself a little tracker.

Bullet journaling is the only other hobby aside from writing that I seem to be able to do consistently. I just kind of fell out of it in the summer of 2022 and finally picked it back up again for 2024. I think when I wasn't writing, it was a good different outlet for me and I still enjoy it. It simply slipped out of my habits, especially when I moved out on my own last year and I was too focused on keeping up with chores and other stuff. Now I am a little more organised, so I do hope to keep it up. It will also force me to do something else than writing once in a while, which is probably healthy for me.

This tracker looks a little chaotic, I know, but i wanted to get everything on one page. Maybe next year I can tell you exactly how much I wrote.

And word counts are nice but I think improving is also important and I do feel like I have managed to learn a lot of things this year and I will continue to do so in the coming year. I take great inspiration from other people's writing. I always get inspired when I read an especially good fic (which often ends up with me starting a new WIP, send help) and I discover new ways to put in descriptions or how to phrase something a certain way. And talking to other fic writers on here, or discord, is also where I learn a lot. A ton of you are so talented and it is such a joy to be able to discuss things, pick your brains and get feedback. Sometimes I just learn things by reading along to someone else's discussion. Sometimes you find answers to questions you didn't know to ask!

I also want to thank my beta readers, who have read so many words this year. They are so FAST and then apologise for being slow. I cherish them so much.

If you read up to this point, thank you! If you've read a fic of mine this year, thank you as well. If you left me kudos or comments, recced me... you get a little kiss on the forehead.

If you have achievements of your own this year that you are proud of, do share them! (Reblog or send me an ask, I want to hear about it!) Let's celebrate all the work you put in!

[crowcussion]

i’m at school and school wifi is ass so idk when this is gonna post but REGARDING MY LAST POST

TW FOR TALKS OF E4T1NG D1S0RD3RS, DONT DO WHAT I DID SAVE YOURSELF FROM INSANITY

ok so from 2019 to late 2022 i had an amalgamation of 2 eating disorders, orthorexia (obsession with being healthy) and ARFID (avoidant-restrictive food intake disorder, avoiding certain foods in fear of choking, vomiting, etc.) and it sucked ASS

and in 2021 (if i did my math right) i was turning 12 and i don’t know why to this day but i was convinced something bad was gonna happen when i turned 12, and i tried to cancel my birthday (??) my only guess is the malnutrition was getting to my brain since it had been going on for 2ish years at that point

but luckily i did it i survived and now im here to say, DO NOT INVOLVE YOURSELF IN ANY PRO-ED COMMUNITY!!! they are not pretty or cutesy, they’re stressful and life threatening, if you see yourself starting to fall into bad habits, do everything you can to get out of it, it’s not so easy to “just eat” as it seems

[maddiebiscuits]

Hi! your rabbits are really cute but the vet tech in me just has to say that bananas, fruits in general, and carrots aren't good for them. They're high in sugars that are hard for them to digest which can cause some gi upset and are the leading cause of obesity and obesity related problems including arthritis, mushy stool and not being able to reach around to clean themselves off leading to skin issues. All healthy rabbits need is free fed hay (non-alfalfa) and a handful of mixed greens (avoiding spinach, kale, danedlion greens, parsely, cruciferous veggies) twice daily. Generally pellets are fed as a treat due to their high caloric content, as long as the rabbit isn't underweight, about 1-2 tablespoons a day. Hid in snuffle mats or foraging balls to make it more fun!

I know all this. A single slice of banana or other fruit is a once every few days special treat, I’ll put a single banana slice in their salad dish usually and that’s their only one for the day, but sometimes not. The pellets are also only once a day and barely a third cup to make up for lack of greens during a holiday long weekend when the stores were closed, I sometimes add them to their greens salad to let them get enough calories because my rabbits are free roam and exercise excessively. They’re placed in their tunneling pillow as foraging treats as well. The only thing they receive constantly is quality timothy hay in unending amounts which is more than 90% of their diet and it is ALL OVER MY HOME no matter how much I sweep and vaccuum! I check their droppings regularly for signs of not enough fiber and decrease their nightly salad as necessary if things look more stringy than usual.

I researched rabbits extensively and have been caring for this free roam pair that I bonded myself for almost three years as of this winter. They receive regular yearly check ups and I check their ears, teeth, nails monthly, I also have a vet tech I see who also cares for rabbits at home and have discussed how much is too much for treats and pellets since forst adopting Scotch back in 2021. A single piece or banana every day or so (they haven’t had one for days since the stores have been closed) is a special treat they never receive in abundance.

Here’s a flopped Scotch hogging the cool air, almost finished his summer molt and summer coat is nearly done!

Actually very recently changed how I prepare their hay and litter (I change daily or every other day depending on their grazing habits with fresh hay or a top-off) because Scotch loves to lounge in the hay and is starting to get some staining on his paws, so I’ve adjusted the quantity of litter bedding and hay change-out so his paws can whiten up again, which has begun!

[meowsogynist]

I don't have a therapist to tell this to, but when I was going through puberty, I developed an eating disorder.

I was ten years old, starting to put on my 'adult weight' and my pre-puberty fat-stash (which is normal and healthy! Your body is going to use some of that up!), and my mother was losing weight after being unhappy with her own body for her entire life (she was 34 at the time), and the timing for both things to happen could not have been worse.

Puberty made me gain lots of weight very quickly, and my mother wasn't very happy about that. She insisted I was unhealthy (sleeping all day, coming home from school and 'crashing', not hanging out with my friends/playing inside) and quickly contacted a doctor and put me on the ketogenic diet. I was diagnosed with MDD at 11 years old in the sixth grade. I was 130 lbs and 5'.

I was also extremely muscular and broad, my shoulders two feet across at that point already, and a competitive swimmer/athlete in general.

My mother then accused me of having a binge eating disorder in 2021, after I had told her I was struggling with restrictive eating habits.

I'm the strongest person in my family, one of the strongest I know. I don't go to the gym, I don't lift.

I work my ass off doing things for other people. I am moving constantly. Leave me the fuck alone. I saw a photo of myself and I'm not even fat and it's terrifying. I've never been fat. Im so sad.

[duusheen]

sims get to know me.. more lol

thank you for the tag to my babies @oasivy and @akitasimblr

1. What’s your favourite sims death? All the emotional deaths! They seem so ridiculous, lmao

2. Alpha CC or Maxis Match? maxis mix 💃🏽

3. Do you cheat when your sims gain weight? Nop but I usually make all my Sims exercise (it's the damn nurse in me, I guess, obsessed with healthy habits LMFAO), except for Journey who never liked physical activity and I love him bc honestly same

4. Do you use move objects? Who doesn't? 👀

5. Favorite mod? All the mods by lumpinou 🛐

6. First expansion/game/stuff pack you got? I'm sorry I'm from the 🏴‍☠️ team 🫣

7. Do you pronounce “live mode” like aLIVE or LIVing? Eh.... Literally "livE modE" lol

8. Who’s your favorite sim that you’ve made? Journey!! He went through so many things during his life, and I loved being able to develop all of that. I love him sm, and I'm going to cry when he dies 😭

9. Have you made a simself? Yes!! It's the sim in my pfp!

10. What sim traits do you give yourself? Bookworm, socially awkward and loner 🤍

11. Which is your favorite EA hair color? Red and black!

12. Favorite EA hair? I don't have any specific one 🤔

13. Favorite life stage? Infant! I absolutely love infants, but i also enjoy playing with YA sims

14. Are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay? Meh I can't build to save my life so I'm in for the gameplay lol

15. Are you a CC creator? I can make some things but i don't consider myself a creator at all 😂

16. Do you have any simblr friends/a sim squad? I have! Here I found some very special people 💖

17. What’s your favorite game? I played the 2 but i definitely love the sims 4!

18. Do you have any sims merch? Nop :(

19. Do you have a YouTube for sims? Omg no! I'm too awkward 🙈

20. How has your “sim style” changed throughout your years of playing? I like to think that now I make more realistic Sims 🤍

21. What’s your Origin ID? Hey idk 🤔

22. Who’s your favorite CC creator? AH00B, serenity, johnnysims, simstrouble and many more!

23. How long have you had a simblr? i think since 2020 but I only started posting in 2021

24. How do you edit your pictures? photoshop and reshade do all the job I just press some buttons!!

25. What expansion/game/stuff pack is your favorite so far? Growing together bc of the gameplay and Cottage Living!

26. What expansion/game/stuff pack do you want next? I'm not picky, as long as it's playable, it works for me

feel free to ignore the tag! @aurorangen @bakersimmer @simmerstellar @druidberries @panicsimss @loveryss @pxeltownie @apricote @sinfulwunders @aliengirl @elmleif @goodnightlittlewing 🤍

[pickledpascal]

Love’s Train

Chapter Seven: 2021, Summer: A Much Needed Break

Warnings: Mature themes, talking about sex

Word Count: 1.4k

Love’s Train Masterlist

Previous Chapter  |  Next Chapter

Feeling burnt out, Quinn was relieved when Summer finally came. Occasionally having to go to a meeting while in the middle of midterms or even finals was like hell. She was stressed so she needed a break. It was a bit of a hassle to bring everything Quinn had in her dorm back, adding to it throughout the year but who the fuck cared? She was home, that's all that mattered. Plus she'd have more room in the house she planned on getting next year with a friend. It was somewhat secluded so Bumblebee would have more room to roam around without worrying about getting spotted. While it was now common sense that Cybertronians could change into their Bot form in public, Bee was still plenty worried what would happen if he did. He was as much of a son to Optimus as he could be, humans could take that to their advantage. Bumblebee could never be too careful. 

Throughout the Spring semester, Optimus would occasionally visit Quinn and Bumblebee. But Bee could tell it was mostly for Quinn. They went on midnight drives, Quinn talked about her day and Optimus would fill her in on all the drama happening at home. Her mother would rant to the Autobot leader about Quinn and Jake’s grandma, more specifically how old fashioned she was. Optimus thought it was nice, learning so much about Quinn’s life through her mother. Though… he began to despise her grandmother. Apparently she thought all Cybertronians were bad and disapproved of Quinn’s job as their ambassador. 

One thing Quinn did forget about living with her parents was how much they would bother her. And the Autobots… they were like children without their toys sometimes. The amount of random facts they would start saying–Ratchet–would hurt her brain sometimes. Ironhide would even beg Quinn to work on his canons, to improve them to some capacity but she had to decline. She promised congress she didn't work on their weapons anymore… even if she desperately wanted to. Breaking promises wasn't something Quinn made a habit of even if those humans had ulterior motives, she didn't. 

It was a bright summer day, Quinn's parents were already gone to their jobs and her brother was too. That meant she had the whole place to herself… plus four Cybertronians. Hound or Drift would come over occasionally, never notifying Quinn if they were coming. So maybe it was six? Well either way, she wanted to enjoy being outside for a little bit so she put on a bathing suit and made her way outside to a lounging chair her mother would usually use when she had the day off and there were no clouds in the sky. Quinn wore a pair of chunky sunglasses on the bridge of her nose in exchange for the thin frames she usually wore. Clad in her bathing suit, it was a simple black one piece with cutouts at her waist and a few at the side of her chest. 

She laid down on the chair, letting out a content sigh as she crossed her legs and closed her eyes. She wouldn’t mind if she went to sleep like this. Though, Quinn didn’t realize an Autobot would sneak up on her. And not the one she would have liked to.

“Quinn!” Ratchet yelled as he suddenly appeared next to her. The red and yellow bot interrupted Quinn’s nap, causing her to let out a disappointed sigh and let her sunglasses drop slightly so she could see Ratchet properly. “Since you and Optimus are together, I have compiled a list of things you will need to know regarding human and Cybertronian relationships.”

The human let out a sigh and nodded. “I might as well hear it.” She mumbled, though Ratchet didn’t hear her and continued anyway.

He thought she needed to hear them. And maybe he was right. “Regarding sexual relations, because I can tell your pheromone levels skyrocket around Optimus,” Quinn coughed, her eyes widening at that comment. “there’s a lot of different–more importantly, healthy–ways humans and Cybertronians can have se–” 

“Ratchet! Um, no thanks! Bye!” Quinn’s cheeks flushed with embarrassment as she pushed her sunglasses up to cover her eyes and immediately went back inside the house, wanting to lock herself inside for the rest of the day.

So much for enjoying the sunny weather. 

Bee made a chirping sound similar to a laugh as Ratchet let out a fabricated sigh and shook his head as he retreated back to the barn. He didn’t understand. Quinn was sexually interested in Optimus but Ratchet could tell she didn’t know if anything was possible between species. But the prospect of actually learning them seemed to be uncomfortable for the human. Maybe it was another weird human nuance none of them knew about yet.

“Ratchet, you… what were you speaking about with Quinn?” Optimus coughed to grab Ratchet’s attention. He might have heard the tail end of their conversation and was far more willing to hear the rest. Optimus might have been a Prime but there were things even he didn’t know. 

Ratchet optics widened with excitement as he smiled slightly. Of course! If Quinn had some sort of human reservation, Optimus wouldn’t have that so it was best to share it with him. “Yes, well, there’s lots of ways you and Quinn can copulate without putting too much strain on her human body. Humans are incredibly fragile after all and… it wouldn’t be smart to just fornicate without proper knowledge of the limits of the human body.” He explained as if this was a normal conversation to have.

Optimus was listening intently, especially when Ratchet started to list the different ways they could fuck if they so wished. And well… Optimus wasn’t sexually averse. He just hadn’t felt the need to until Quinn entered his life. Want would roll off his chassis in waves but he wasn’t sure what to do with it up until then. That bathing suit Quinn was wearing a few moments ago wasn’t helping either. These methods would certainly be handy for future reference. 

Unbeknownst to the two Autobots in the barn, Quinn was listening to them through a small crack in between the main doors. Her face was burning as she turned to Bee who was looking at her smugly. If the bot had a mouth she would slap that smug look off his face. 

“Not a word.” Quinn gritted out, moving away from the barn door. She was still in her bathing suit so she didn’t look as menacing as she wanted to. As if Bee could ever find her menacing to begin with.

Bee laughed softly before his radio rang out, “15 miles to the Love Shack! Love Shack, yeah, yeah!” He shook his hips slightly as he danced to the song. “Hugging and a-kissing, dancing and a-loving, wearing next to nothing ‘cause it’s hot as an oven. The whole shack shimmies!” 

Quinn shushed Bee, her cheeks flushing bright red. “Bee, I swear to god I will take both your voice box and radio out in the middle of the night when you least expect it.” She hissed. 

“Why?” Optimus asked. He’d come out of the barn, looking like he normally did. Stoic. As if he didn’t just have a way too long conversation with Ratchet about the ways to properly fuck a human if he wanted. At least he was distracted from what was happening outside.

Quinn whipped her body around, “Um, no reason.” She said, probably a little too quickly. Bee wasn’t going to be any sort of help, he looked innocent all the time and this was no different. 

Optimus let out a hum as his optics ran over Quinn’s barely clothed form. He hadn’t seen much of Quinn’s skin before besides her neck and up to her forearm. Her legs were completely bare and they looked so… plush and soft. Quinn’s tattoos decorated her body in a similar way the Cybertronian symbols did to his. Yes, they were more similar than he’d originally thought. 

Quinn averted her gaze from Optimus, feeling a shiver run over her spine. The way he was looking at her… She wanted that to happen more often.

[panda-sensei]

An open farewell letter to "idol Habu Mizuho"

I first met Habu-chan in 2017, when Keyakizaka46 had just released Kaze ni Fukarete mo. However, the first MV I saw was Fukyouwaon. 

When I really started following Keyaki, Habu and Neru were my favorite members. The people who were able to make me smile during one of the most tense periods of my life.

The love I felt for both of them turned out to be the same, so even though the term "kami oshi" can be summed up as a single person, I treated Habu and Neru as my kamis.

In 2019, when Neru-chan graduated, Habu-chan officially became my kami oshi. A position she still holds today, even after new members joined and I met other groups in the meantime.

I tried to find another idol to whom I could share my time, dedication, and love, but Habu-chan was unbeatable.

Over time, I became more and more obsessed with Habu (in a good and healthy way). Something about Habu-chan enchanted me in a way that no other idol had been able to before. 

I believe there were several reasons for this... 

One of them is the fact that we're the same age, we were both born in 1997 (I'm a month older ☺). 

Another may have been their physical appearance and personality. 

Habu has several physical aspects that particularly caught my eye: her hair (at the time I knew her best, it was mid-length), her height, her hands, and her neck (which I don't even accept is her least favorite part of her body). And over time, Habu became an extremely beautiful woman. In my eyes, she looked like a goddess sculpted by a superior divine force lol. Her personality was also an important point: Habu conveyed to me an energy of being someone extremely kind, cheerful, and positive; and this was confirmed over the time I spent being her fan. With each passing moment, I really realized that Habu was everything I had imagined. Confirmation of this came from her blogs, mobames, magazine, and radio interviews, which were corroborated by statements from Keyaki/Saku members, other co-workers, MCs, the habu oshi who took part in handshakes and meguris, etc. Everyone reaffirmed that Habu was an incredible person. 

One characteristic that I also came to admire a lot about her was Habu's ability to be good with words. Her iconic phrases (the funniest possible) and others full of meaning delighted me even more. 

But actually, I think what made my bond as a fan even stronger was that I followed Habu's growth and development as an idol.

She started to grow a lot as soon as she took part in the Girls Award (back in 2016, before I knew her), followed by her entry as an MC on radio shows (thanks to Chokotto yattemasu and Gochaten), as an MC in variety shows, taking part in Zambi's stage play, among other external activities associated with the group.

However I believe that her evolution as a model has been fundamental in making Habu-chan who she is today. Many thanks to JJ and CLASSY for giving her this opportunity and for signing her as an exclusive model in 2017 and 2021 respectively.

With this modeling career, Habu was the 1st member of the group to open an Instagram account, allowing the other members to also have this opportunity to interact more with fans, as well as promote the group.

Another pioneering move was Habu being the first member to have a fashion photobook, a departure from the usual standards for Sakamichi idols. And that's a story I really like because only I know how happy I was with "Destination" and the fact that it was exactly the kind of photobook I had always envisioned for her.

In fact, Habu-chan was a positive influence on me in the world of fashion. I've changed some habits and ways of dressing. I hope to continue following your fashion tips, Habu-sensei!

I could spend days and days telling you why Habu Mizuho is an exceptional idol. But unfortunately, the day of her graduation has arrived.

I've met many incredible people in the time I've been following her as an idol: Japanese ハブライバー (I could list several who have been super kind to me, but especially Masayo-san who was the person I had the most contact with during this time and who was VERY kind and helpful to me); ハブライバー from other countries and people who weren't even ハブライバー, but who supported Habu. I'm also grateful to have bonded with many different people, even though they live in different countries.

Now, seeing anything from Sakurazaka46 without Habu Mizuho will leave me with a huge feeling of emptiness.

I'm not sure yet how my relationship with the group will be after Habu's graduation. That's something I still can't answer...

But I'm very proud of the woman Habu-chan has become. 

I know that whatever path you take now, you will be successful and will have the full support of your fans. 

All I can do now is say thank you. 

I'm grateful for all the happy moments you've given me during your career as an idol.

I know I wasn't as "committed" a fan as other fans. I tried to do my best to support her within my capacity and my reality. I could have been a much better fan... But I hope that somehow you know that you have a fan in Brazil who has always and will always hope that only good things happen in your life.

Thank you so much for coming into my life.

And I'll be supporting you forever.

panda🐼

[0nlythrowharrybeaux]

nothing to do with your writing but your skin looks so healthy 😍 ... what's the secret

OK, I'm literally going to cry because I've been struggling with cystic and hormonal acne since 2020! And every since then I feel so self-conscious about my skin and have just recently (maybe close to a year now) haven't had any cystic type breakouts. I'll post my products & pics at the end, no one has seen these pictures btw because I just feel so embarrassed! I only took them for my doctor! But anywho, here's what's been working for me the past couple years!

Consistency is key! I never miss my cleansing/skin care routine. No matter how tired, drunk, upset I am. I do it. With that being said, a simple routine will help you commit to it:)

African Black Soap - when I first started using this I bought that "fake" one from target. I believe shea moisture makes it? But literally after a month or so I started to see a big reduction in my break outs. I recently switched over to the authentic one. I literally bought it in a little natural remedies shop in the DTLA Alley outlets district for $10. The only advice I was given was to not apply the soap directly on my skin. So I use a little cleaning tool instead of my hands (which is how i used the target one)

Double cleansing - According to the internet derms this is a scam, but I personally started to notice the biggest change in my skin when I stopped using makeup wipes and started to double cleanse with a makeup balm. I wear full face makeup every single day basically and balms are by far the best way to get it all off. I rinse the balm off with luke warm water, cleanse with my soap, and then rinse with cold water. Cold water rinsing is also life changing.

Derma-planing & exfoliating! I certainly used to over exfoliate before, maybe did this like once a week with a face scrub. Now I've minimized this to about a once a month thing. I'll gently exfoliate with a little face sponge & my soap & then derma-plane with the suds still on my skin.

Face Masking - These masks changed my life. I will only use hydration sheet masks from a Japanese brand (2x a month) and then if I start getting breakouts really frequently I use a Lush mask called cosmetic warrior once every night for about 10 days.

Water & veggies - this is pretty self explanatory. But increasing my water and vegetable intake has also helped give my skin the nutrients it needs to stay healthy.

Better hygiene habits - I've gotten into the habit of washing my pillow cases every week. And am trying to implement more frequent makeup tool washes. Right now I clean my beauty blender after each use, but my brushes about once a month, which I'm not sure if that's too little lol, but I feel like I could do it more haha

No scented products - I've found that scented products irritate my skin a lot. Even if they didn't they have tons of additional chemicals that don't serve a purpose, so better to keep it bland.

And lastly, it's important to remember that everyone's skin is different. Medicated things & pills didn't work for me in the slightest like they do for some people. And there was a lot of trial and error and mixing and match products before I found a routine that worked and helped my skin heal. So just pay attention to how your skin reacts to things and do a little research on what type of acne you have and what products can help with that:) Now products I use...

Now, this was me in 2021... It was painful and uncomfortable and just so shameful for me. I had never had acne before! I got acne as an adult after they switch my BC:(

And this is me as of tonight! Obvs I'll still get spots every now and again but I haven't gotten anything like the pics above since I made the changes to my skincare routine:)

I hope this helps someone 🫶

[mariacallous]

How do members of Russia’s bureaucratic apparatus deal with the stress of waging a war? With their remedy of choice — alcohol. The independent outlet Verstka recently published a report about the drinking habits of Russia’s government officials, including their preferred type of vodka and whether Putin himself drinks at all. Meduza in English is publishing an abridged translation of the story.

In Russia, if you’re of deputy governor or higher rank, you drink. A lot. While Verstka’s sources disagreed on the exact definitions of alcoholism, they all said that those close to the Kremlin, in the Federal Assembly, and regional authorities drink on a regular basis. “They frequently miss meetings, show up drunk to events, and take illicit substances,” said one source.

“Let’s put it this way: Now, more than ever, employees in the president’s administration start their day with a glass of vodka — some even drink a bottle with breakfast,” says one source.

Another source tells Verstka that one regional governor has a particularly severe drinking problem and is completely unable to function without alcohol. His addiction is so severe that he’s even missed invitations from Putin for Federal Assembly meetings. On most mornings, someone is specifically tasked with searching for him or waking him with phone calls. When he does make it to meetings, he barely participates, instead “sitting there like a zombie.” According to the source, the governor’s drinking songs of choice are Soviet victory songs, the band Lyube (reportedly Putin’s favorite), and songs depicting Russian criminal culture. “He always drank, but never to this extent,” said one source, who explains that the governor’s recent behavior is caused by “the stress of the news, and pressure from both the Kremlin and local elites.”

In correspondence with Verstka, one regional governor from the Urals said that, since the moment the war started, he’s been drunk. He also said it’s been impossible for him to give up drinking — but he considers that “pretty normal.” After news broke of the Ukrainian counteroffensive, the deputy governor completely stopped responding to Verstka.

The tale of alcoholism within the Russian government wouldn’t be complete without mentioning the former President of Russia Dmitry Medvedev. Rumors about his drinking habits spread especially quickly after he started fiercely criticizing the West, and those against the war.

Many hide their struggle with alcoholism. One especially infamous case is that of Russia’s Emergencies Minister Yevgeny Zinichev, who died during a civil defense exercise in the Arctic city of Norilsk in September 2021. Spokespeople for the Emergency Situations Ministry said that Zinichev died while trying to save a filmmaker participating in the exercise with him, who also died during the incident. The truth is, however, that the minister and those accompanying him were all drunk, and it was actually the director that tried to save Zinichiev, who had slipped and fell into the water. “State media called Zinichiev’s death heroic. Wouldn’t it have been better if they had written the truth?” remarked one source.

Pick your poison

While Putin emphasizes his commitment to a healthy lifestyle, his government banquets tell a different story. One regional deputy governor tells Verstka that each guest drinks an average of 1.5 to two bottles (before, guests just got one).

Russian bureaucrats’ preferred alcoholic beverages? Cognac, champagne, and wine, according to a list of alcohol recently purchased for government functions. One order also included 5 million rubles (around $59,600) worth of vodka — imported from Spain, France, and Italy. “Neither the war, nor the sanctions that followed, have been able to stop the conveyor belt of alcohol coming into Russia. On the contrary, many Western companies that said they’d pull out of the Russian market never made good on their promises,” said one source. Such companies include the French whiskey, rum, and cognac manufacturer Pernod Ricard, and the Czech brewery Budweiser Budvar. Almost every government office in Moscow is stocked with ultra-expensive alcohol, like Remy Martin Louis XIII Grande Champagne premium cognac, and luxury varieties of Château Margaux wine.

There are even high-level officials and businessmen that distill their own alcohol, like the oligarch Gennady Timchenko. And who can forget about Medvedev and his moonshine? According to some sources, Medvedev would gift his homemade brew to members of the government and foreign leaders.

After the start of the counteroffensive, and the arrest warrant against Putin, bureaucrats and members of the elite started to drink hard liquor, such as Grey Goose from France and Belvedere from Poland, according to sources from the Moscow authorities. “The scariest part — now even women have started drinking without shame,” said one source.

What about Putin?

Six months into the war, Putin decided to address the issue of alcoholism across Russia — something he’s done on only a few occasions. “We shouldn’t sweep things under the rug [...], we must address the most severe issues,” said Putin. Later, in a meeting with another governor, he said that “we shouldn’t ban anything, we shouldn’t raise the prices too much.” On the contrary, he said there should be “propaganda to encourage a healthy lifestyle,” and “improve exercise infrastructure.”

Putin is alleged to be particularly concerned about the drinking habits of those in his inner circle who try to drink away the stress of sanctions and war — the President says they should be able to easily carry out their work sober.

According to social media, the President himself almost never drinks. One source reveals that he “looks at those who drink, get drunk, who aren’t alert first thing in the morning, with disdain.” Despite this assessment, some sources say he’s somewhat of a wine connoisseur, and is also quite a fan of beer. An investigation by the Anti-Corruption Foundation even found that Putin’s palace boasts a sort of “beer terrace” on the property.

So what do bureaucrats get up to when they’re not indulging?

While alcohol is definitely the most popular form of escapism, it’s far from the only one. According to a source close to Verstka, bureaucrats can be divided into three different groups based on how they cope with the stress of war. “The majority are those who follow Putin blindly, do their work quietly, and make sure not to say anything, or even think anything, that appears as though they are questioning their tasks,” said the source.

The second group includes those who believe the country has “found itself at a dead end, and believe there’s no point in working anymore.” Most of those in this group are “honest workers,” who have spent “years building their reputations.” Now, they just work in order to fulfill their basic responsibilities. In terms of their interests, they prefer “alcohol, sports, and sex.”

“Many guzzle down vodka,” said one source, “One of my friends has taken to running marathons, while another has managed to hit on almost every woman that works for him.”

The third group finds solace in “good deeds,” making themselves feel better by, for example, “supplying a grandmother with firewood for the winter, or fixing her pathway,” said one source.

These government officials reportedly “saw that things were going to shit, jumped to fix them, but quickly realized that their ability to do so is extremely limited. That’s why, with few exceptions, they’re either stealing like there’s no tomorrow, indulging in alcohol and sex, or taking up sports.”

Another source remarked, “most understand their work is meaningless. That’s why this job simply cannot be done sober.”

[brianvan]

The year-end personal recap concept is OPPRESSIVE to me. I think it's healthy to occasionally check-in with yourself every once in a while but... why do I have to participate in a public ceremony? Why NOW, the one week of the year I'm the most sleepy and listless from all the parties and the holiday food and the laying-around? When nothing is going on NOW to brag about, and it's the longest distance in time from lots of things I do productively? And why do most people have lots of big changes to brag about and I'm usually fishing for stuff to brag about out of my totally-fine life because none of it is status-seeking or photogenic? Just for theoretical purposes, does the angst get any easier if you have a year that makes for an easy and beautiful year end post? Probably not.

Anyway.

2022 didn't feel special while I was living it - it felt like a year where nothing major happened, where there was just a lot of work/planning to do and it was not worth bragging about.

But, uh, holy shit:

Celebrated 10 years of marriage!

I basically started a new career (but, caveat, the position started in November 2021 - yet by New Year's, after something like 5 total weeks of real work, I had no real idea if it would take root. But root it did)

Relating to the second-longest thing going in my life (other than the marriage), my service on the Community Board, a pretty seismic change - I resigned my position as Treasurer (a real piece-of-cake assignment that lets me nose in on the whole board's business) so that I could take the role of Transportation Committee chair, which is a huge upgrade in visibility, control and direct involvement in the issues I've been taking up for years.

Moved into a much nicer apartment, one that isn't a nexus of maintenance crises. More room! All new furniture! A much nicer shower/bathtub!

We have a financial advisor now!

Not only did I have a good biking year...

...and a pretty damn good camping year...

But I bike-camped across THE WHOLE STATE OF IOWA, 462 miles in seven days. First time traveling with the bike!

I went to 10-12 concerts, which is about 9-10 more than I go to in any given year, and they all were at least pretty good!

I went to something like 12 baseball games because I dove in with a CitiField ticket package, and I think it worked out pretty good! (Plus a Yankees game and a Rangers game)

A scenic trip to the Finger Lakes!

Got to do Delaware River rafting again!

I finally read THE POWER BROKER!

I managed to get a short trip to San Francisco, my second time!

Legal weed!

New Peloton bike at home! I'm actually using it!

... and couple other things I'm not going to divulge or air out here!

Anyway, I was very surprised to take a glance at some records and see all of these very big (often long-delayed) things happened all in a short time. Yes, there were *absolutely bad* things that happened too, but the trend seems to be "change and growth" in big ways at once, rather than just ordinary things passing in time and space.

But, the year felt like A LOT. Another theme through most of the year was "don't overcommit yourself!" and that's easier-said-than-done sometimes (especially in a year where seasonal/annual things that were paused for 1-2 years came roaring back all at once). And also "stop wasting time on various maladaptive habits!" (which is less "using social media" and more "reflexively checking social media as much as one blinks") So, from an attention/stimulation standpoint I've really been flying by the seat of my pants and I'm certainly not going to try to ever plan to one-up a year like this one. I am hoping for a relatively calm 2023, already committing to several attention cutbacks.

Every once in a while I get posed the question "where do you see yourself in 5 years" and at one point I thought I could get insight on that by looking at the past 10 years. And from that I saw that the answer was "there is absolutely no telling where you will be in 5 years or what you want to see happen, all you know is that you'll have significantly pulled yourself forward and you won't be where you are now." Because in any 5 year timeframe, that has been the story of the last 20+ years. Recently, I've learned and experienced so much, and have grown so much. And there is so much more opportunity for learning and growth. Life is an experience of taking those opportunities continually. And it's great.

Ironically, the idea of personal growth/progress is a concern where I'm deeply anxious, and fearful of failure. I am going to spend some time unpacking that in 2023. (That's been part of the growth, BTW: insight into bad thinking!) What ties all of this together is that it's a fairly good idea to gut-check that anxiety by looking at an actual recap of events and achievements. Enough happened this year that I should forgive myself if I want to chill out for the next 2 years! If I just did many of the events from this past year all over again in this coming year (like a routine), it'll be fantastic! If there's anything I'm unhappy with now, or anything I'm worried where I don't control whether it goes good or bad... there's literally nothing to worry about because even among setbacks I come out very strongly ahead overall, even in a bad year! (Other than "you shouldn't worry" as a separate but still meaningful lesson)

It is very difficult to remember all of this so I figure it's good for me to jot this down in private. As it turns out, I've got many years of recaps in Tumblr already that are public, so here's another one for the pile. I'm keeping the streak going. Now I don't need to worry about being the guy without a rosy year-end recap.

[sillybillycanadian]

TW: depression, sui ideation, the big sad, etc etc

I hate schoolwork. It’s petty, it’s silly, it’s beneath me, but I am so fed up with it. I am 20 years old and I haven’t graduated high school. There are so many good messages on here about not needing to meet any artificial timetable. That we can do things in our own time. But holy crap guys I’ve been stagnating for so long. I’ve been fighting an uphill battle with this part of high school for three years now.

I started homeschooling halfway through Grade 10. I have self-guided courses that I can do on my own time which still earn me credits to go towards my high school diploma. When I started, I was working at a pace that (if maintained) would have let me graduate a year early. I was masking ADHD, anxiety, and depression so all of that slowly leaked out. I was procrastinating, oversleeping some days then under-sleeping others. I developed an unhealthy habit of eating when I felt bored and like I needed a distraction. Some life things happened like my mom getting cancer (she’s alive and well, but her neutral state of “healthy” will never be the same) and my dad kicking out the three of us (mom, brother, and me) for a while because my dad and brother had a fight.

Those nights were the closest I got to killing myself. We had nothing but the clothes on our backs and some cash we were able to use for a hotel. He did this to his immunocompromised wife during the height of the pandemic. He didn’t care. Even when we were let back in the house (because we threatened to involve the police) he didn’t speak to us for days. I was hardly eating. A family friend talked to all of us over Zoom and referred to my dad’s doings as a “hiccup”. I want to be a forgiving person. I like to think that everyone deserves a second chance. But I can’t say honestly that I’ve forgiven my father. I don’t think I’ve even forgiven the family friend for calling it a “hiccup”. He probably didn’t even know the whole situation, but it stung so bad. And I hugged my father that day. As if it was fine. As if he doesn’t still scare me and I lose the air in my lungs when he stands behind me.

Ever since then my life has been derailed. In the summer of 2020 I started treatment for depression and anxiety. The summer I should have graduated. Some time in 2021 I was diagnosed with ADHD twice because the first person to do it never kept proper records and then left the hospital she was working at. So it was as if my diagnosis never happened. So 6 months after the first time, the second diagnosis finally happened. I’m on medication for it now. I thought it was helping, but I’ve been so useless again for months now and with no changes in meds to explain it. I also might have undiagnosed autism, which really stings because I was neglected when I was younger and the excuse was that my brother needed the attention since he’s autistic. Anyway. I don’t have the energy to shower regularly. I hate needing to make food for myself. I literally have two courses left then I’m done high school for good. 5 basic-ass assignments then it’s over. But instead I watch YouTube and try to make stupid music on my laptop to get a tiny hit of dopamine. I search “help” and sort by latest on Tumblr to see if there is anyone I can comfort or cheer up. Is it actually altruism? Or am I just so starved for attention and validation and companionship that I try to please anyone I can? Do I try to help others because I may as well since I’m the only person I can’t come through for?

With all of this, I have friends who are pressuring me to move out very very quickly. They know how much living at home is making me hurt and ache so I know they’re coming from a good place. But I can hardly take care of my own health and hygiene, how they hell do they expect I can take care of a home and hold a job?

That’s why I don’t just hate schoolwork. I definitely do, but that’s not all of it. I hate schoolwork because it’s a testament to just how stuck I am in life. In this one place. Writing a few sentences to an essay each day if I’m lucky. I hate it. I just hate it so much.

One of those friends. We like each other. So so much. We want a future together. Her and I. But she is one of the ones trying to rush me. I know we both want me to be in a good place before starting a relationship. But she also doesn’t want to be in limbo forever while I work out my issues. So it’s like an ultimatum. At this rate I need to move out in the next month or two or I’m gonna lose her for good, it seems. That’s as far as one of our mutual friends of the group knows. So now I have another point of pressure to get my act together before things crash and burn even more. But it had the opposite effect because I feel lost and stuck and like I can’t do anything.

This is just to vent. Cause idk what else to do than rant and maybe just maybe I’ll stop being a piece of trash. God. I hate myself so much rn. I’m such a stupid worthless prick. Dammit.