#hopefully they can make progress in trusting each other and basic communication

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s8 episode 4 “roadrunners” thoughts

we! are! back!

i haven’t seen an episode in 5 days, so i’m feeling the excitement. and this one seems to be scully-centric! i cannot wait! it is called “roadrunners” and it seems that scully is going to find herself stranded somewhere… i have a feeling i will be SPOOKED!!

let us begin! i have no further thoughts beyond that scully loves to make cartoon references, so even if the episode called “roadrunners” didn’t have her face on the thumbnail, i would imagine she would feature heavily. and also, i am worried for her… girl, please be safe. i’m scared. 

okaaaay!!

(post-episode thoughts: this was a good episode- compelling plot, the pacing was excellent, and i have no major qualms with how the characters were handled like i usually do when i don’t enjoy an episode- but i didn’t like it because it was toooooo scary and nasty💀💀 i’m speeding through editing these notes so i can upload them right away and Not think about the spine worm any longer.

and while there were some very interesting things going on in the doggett and scully dynamic in this episode, especially with her not telling him about the case, and then their conversation at the end- analyze as you please- i need time to detox from those images. i trust you understand

🧼scrub scrub scrub it from my brain!!!!)

back to past me!

oh girl, i clicked play and it already seems creepy. we are in a utah desert. someone takes pills by the side of the road. puts on some headphones. goes to a payphone. 

he might be lost. oh no, he is hitchhiking. trying to flag down a bus. and it stops for him, luckily, even though he got mad and started yelling. he takes his stuff on the bus and yells at the driver, who says nothing. it seems none of the passengers say anything to him, either. this doesn’t bother hitchhiker man, who puts on his headphones and tries to sleep. 

the bus stops and almost everyone departs, including the woman sitting next to him. and he’s asking where they are going and getting ignored. but he follows along. 

they are all staring at this one guy who is using some sort of crutch-like mobility aid… and then the bus driver smashes him over the head with a rock?? hitchhiker fellow is GAGGED!!! are they SACRIFICING him?? OH MY GOD??? hitchhiker tried to run away, but they surround him, also holding rocks… 

GIRL. I AM SPOOKED!!! 

scully honey, please stay away from these people.

she is SERVING in that new intro headshot though, let me just make that clear. more intro imagery: creepy baby. eyeball. mulder falling. we’re getting familiar with these sights.

let’s goooo to spooky town!!!

BLEH, there is blood at the scene. SCULLY IS TAKING PICTURES! oh, scully with a camera… i want to know what she would take pictures of when not working. she is still in heels. still in a desert. we need to get her to stop with the heels in the desert thing.

she finds a rock covered in goop and scoops it into a bag. is she out here ALONE?? where is doggett? and she has no cell service!!!!

ah, roadrunner is the name of the bus line. she goes to the payphone and tries to make a call there, right beneath the sign for the bus.

she says good morning to doggett and he says “good afternoon”- time zones! she is out of town! a local coroner called and asked for help… and i guess she was who they came to? who knows. he didn't know where tf she was!

the body had some… anomalies. a 22 year old backpacker was last seen 6 months ago in perfect health, but his body shows signs of advanced osteoporosis, arthritis, and kyphosis of the vertebrae. and i don’t even KNOW what that last one means!! what did these townspeople do to him? anyway, the body had the spine of a 90 year old woman. yikes.

doggett seems a bit surprised she didn’t need him- she says they called over the weekend and she didn’t want to bother him- but he offers to do anything he can from the bureau. aww. can he get her a ride?

(author's note: hmm... so many ways you can interpret her "not wanting to bother him". i find myself wanting to read the script to understand what was written. that is the thing about TV- when you don't have the words the actors were given in front of you, there are so many ways you can interpret the acting choices!)

she actually wants some help! they have some files about a murder case… and she doesn’t remember the details like where or when it happened, but she remembers some glycoproteins at the crime scene. unidentified mucus. and since he recently went through all the files, maybe he could help…. her face is desperate. 

“well, i don’t have a great memory for mucus, but i’ll be happy to look”, says special agent john doggett, a deeply serious man.

he asks for any more info… but the scary bus goes by so she can’t hear him!! once he finds it, could he please fax it over to the local sheriff’s office? <- FAX! how truly vintage.

she watches the bus… it makes a turn. and then gets in her car. YAY, SHE HAS A CAR, I MEAN I REALLY HOPED SO, but i didn't see it while she was sleuthing… and goes to get some gas. the station seems empty… 

she calls out “hello?” and then honks the horn, which nearly made me jump, LMAO. everything looks so hot. i am thirsty just watching this. she has her map and her green button up under a brown jacket and the world against her.

as she looks at the map… a man approaches. she wants to know where the road goes and also what happened to his hand. EEK, he cut it with his saw. she is gonna investigate his hand while asking about the murder. 

AWW, she tells him to wash it out and put on some iodine “you sound like my mother” “yeah? well i also sound like a doctor” “medical doctor?” “yeah” <- aww… you can take the doctor into the desert and she is gonna find someone to heal up. 

she asks for some gas, and he says he doesn’t have any. she says she’ll be fine- she has a quarter tank- but he runs around the back to get something, which she thanks him for. aww, scully making polite small talk...

she still cannot figure out this map. it must be wrong, because she knows how to navigate stuff. 

he comes back with some gas and she says thank youuuu!!! and btw, where tf are we? he says we’re not really a town… just a few like-minded people trying to keep the modern world at bay. tf does THAT mean? is he evil? is he putting diesel in her car to make it break down?

maybe not, at least on the disesel front, because she takes off. while gas guy goes inside and finds the bus driver AND THE HITCHHIKER?? and declares that help is coming. the hitchhiker is writhing in bed. is he going to get her to come back somehow and heal him! but what are they even doing to him?!

nooo!!! her engine starts to sputter. so she walks back. “you put something in my tank that killed my engine” <- GET HIM! does she have all of her stuff though? or is she here with just her jacket!!

and she wants to see the gas can, so don’t even try to play dumb. she pours it into her hand… smells it… and declares it to be WATER! he pretends he didn’t know that. “it must have gotten rain in it” “oh, and it rains a lot here, does it?” <- LMAOOOO

she is soooo mad. all traces of earlier polite small talk scully have evaporated in the desert heat. he says he doesn’t have a phone. but there is one up the street. so she goes. opens the door. calls out hello. no response. 

oh, one of the guys from the bus is here, and his name is milsap. he is all in shadow. leads her to a room. the phone line is dead. but he says it’ll come back on. in ten minutes… two hours… who knows when. she’s welcome to wait here. he can even give her a room!

“what the hell is going on here? i get the distinct impression that somebody doesn’t want me to leave” but he denies everything… even that a bus came through. her eyes are so blue. she is weirded tf out. 

and she does not wanna walk those 20 miles. that hand on her abdomen… the deep sigh. i am doing a deep sigh of my own.

AWWW, she runs after someone else who hides from her :( there is a whole group of people in there ignoring her!!! WHAT IS GOING ON… she knocks on each door…. looks in the window…

while that creepy milsap guy stares at her. so. she accepts a room. cocks her gun. sits in bed with it in her hands. while people with lanterns approach!! so many people with lanterns!!! 

this is so CREEEEEPY. 

she falls asleep. someone wakes her up with a knock on the door, so she GRABS HER GUN AND HAS IT POINTED. WHEW!!!! do NOT mess with her- it will be the last thing you do. it’s milsap, and he calls her “doctor”, asking to speak with her. saying there is an emergency. 

she opens the door. carefully. he claims a man downstairs needs help. 

hitchhiker man is having a seizure, and she tells bus driver to stop holding him down. and she’s doing her doctory thing. huh, i guess if someone smells like acetone, that means they are hyperglycemic! who knew? she did, but i didn’t. they don’t know his name, which is suspicious… possibly he is epileptic and stopped taking meds.

BLEAUGH, his back is covered in blood. they claim they don’t know how that happened. they need to get him to a hospital NOW. 

and she presumes correctly that the phone is still “not working” and no one has a car. DOGGETT, CAN YOU SEND A GUY DOWN… 

milsap says they can send someone on foot to the state road. in the mean time, she asks for corn syrup. 

DOGGETT IS CALLING THE UTAH SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AT!! and they don’t know where she is!!! he asks them to send a car out. she called him yesterday somewhere north of sugarville. he says thank you. and then calls someone else. asks for her call to be traced.

scully still has no cell service while the bus driver asks if she is doing this right. well, raising his blood sugar could help if that is what is wrong with him, but they DO NOT KNOW. and unless you can get some diazepam or phenobarbital…. 

he starts to cough!! he says he feels okay and that he just needs rest. and he asks scully to stay. “thank you for, uh, helping me” “well, i’m not sure if i’ve actually done anything. in fact, i don’t even know, uh… i don’t even know what is going on with you right now” <- LMAOOOO, i respect the honesty, it just sounds very funny from her

he doesn’t even remember his name or how he got here. or who these people are. and she tells him she thinks they stranded her here to tend to him. 

why would they do that? well, a guy was stoned to death nearby. perhaps upwards of a dozen people were involved based on the footprints… a group has to be tight-knit to murder together. a cult. like these people. “what are you, a detective?” <- well kinda!!

AUGH, SHE SQUEEZES HIS BACK WOUND with her BARE HANDS and he moans. and another bump comes up. and it is MOVING. while he writhes and writhes. OH SHE GOT HER PLIERS, I CANNOT LOOK AT THIS SHIT! LALALALALA… WHY IS IT MOVINGGGGG?? WHAT DID SHE PULL FROM HIM?? SHE IS LIKE STARING AT A CHUNK OF SOMETHING???

HELLLLLLLL NOOOOOO 😫😫😫😫😫

deep. breathing. NGDJSKDNSKS

nasty, nasty…. are they putting something in him that leeches out all his nutrients??

doggett is printing a missing persons poster… he wants to know if the local utah police are canvassing for scully!!! he is sending someone down there AND he will be arriving shortly himself!!! they need to look at this from the angle of the payphone she called from! only one call was placed other than hers, it was 4 days before she called, and it was a guy named hank… WHO IS THE HITCHHIKER ON THE MISSING POSTER!! he said he would be at his sister’s in 2 days and never showed.

scully is talking to a the guy we now know as hank. while the others praise god. and he asks what is wrong with him, telling the others to go. she slams the door in their faces. 

a parasite is in his back!! it lives in his spine!!! something she has never seen before!! and she doesn’t know how to get it out!! she tells him that he will die if they cannot get it treated and that she thinks they put it in him. they killed the last person in his position and she is scared they’ll kill him too. she wants to get them out of here. so she opens a window to go investigate. 

“you’re not gonna be gone long, right?” she pauses. asks if he knows how to use a gun. NOOO, DON’T LEAVE YOUR GUN!!! but this is exactly what she does. i’m not buying this guy isn’t somehow in on it. 

milsap and bus driver knock on the door right as she leaves… and he tells them she says he is dying, “we need another swap” <- what does THAT MEAN?? so his ass WAS in on it?? and now he has her gun!!! NOOOO

doggett is here in utah with the sheriff and some fellows from the FBI. he hands the sheriff a photo of a wound… sheriff says that it is from the murder victim. but doggett says it is from a 1991 texas john doe!! and it happened again in arizona, and then new mexico, and then nevada! all victims had their brains beaten out and their bodies dumped in remote areas!

scully had him find the first case… the mucus one! which she found at the crime scene! the more remote, the better for these murders….

scully is breaking and entering back in town. she has a little flashlight and finds a camper van!! but will there be a key?! nooo!!! someone approaches her!!! what will she do??

the dark, the flashlight… getting flashbacks to the early seasons

it’s hank! with the same mobility aid as the first victim we saw, hobbling toward her!! but he is followed by the others!!! she is surrounded!! they all have lanterns… and they grab her… and she screams that the FBI is searching for her. 

hank starts to say that her life will take a wonderful turn… that she will become a part of something greater than she is. “you’re going to be… so loved” “amen” they all chant

AND THEN THEY START BEAT HANK WITH ROCKS WHILE SHOUTING AMEN!!!! AND THEY PULL OUT THE WORM THING. 

AND THEY’RE BRINGING IT TOWARDS HER SO SHE YELLS THAT SHE IS PREGNANT, BUT GIRL, IDK IF THE WORM PEOPLE ARE GONNA CARE ABOUT THAT??? 

OH GOD… I NEED A BREATHER. 

if you could SEE my face right now… DOGGETT… WHERE ARE YOUUUUUUUUUU?

moral of the story: NEVER give a guy your gun 😭😭😭😭

they’re putting the worm thing in her BACK I THINK?? and she says she will kill all of them. but milsap says she will love us, protect us, teach us. that she’ll be one with him. “THAT THING IN MY SPINE IS A HIM?” <- lmao.

she is HOWLING and screaming, very convincingly for someone who has to act out the prompt "they're putting a worm in your back", which i imagine someone with less talent could fumble. lines like "that thing in my spine is a him?" do make you remember the inherent silliness of this TV show... but that is the only thing that feels silly right now. because this is very serious.

“that last man just wasn’t a suitable tabernacle”. milsap says they are taught not to be jealous, but they all are…. there is always the chance that her body won’t fail him. that he’ll be in her forever. 

car approaches. doggett, please light this place up. 

she screams for help, but they shut her up with a gag…..

and it is doggett!!! bus driver and milsap approach him. he shows them a missing poster of scully, who they deny seeing. 

she is bound up. knocks a lamp with her foot. starts a fire. they keep denying it to doggett’s face. he starts to leave…. gets in his car…. but someone stamps out the fire she started. 

where is he going….. he calls the sheriff. says he is getting a vibe. says to hurry. talked to a guy with a gun in his pocket, and that did not mean he was happy to see him. again. lmao. but only briefly.

she is screaming and groaning while the gas guy looks on… doggett comes in!!! knocks gas guy out!!! finds scully. who demands he get her the hell out of here.

he starts to carry her… she tells him to go to the camper van. gently sets her down. and he says he can certainly hotwire it.

she starts screaming, cut it out of me, cut it out of me now. but they're coming!!!!!! slamming their hands on the windows!!! while he’s trying to do it!!!!

they’re smashing the windows in!!! he gets the worm!!!!!! shoots that sucker!!! they’re all silent. 

he wraps up scully in his jacket and carries her back to his car. they say nothing. 

sirens approach. oh my god…..

so, a week later, she’s still in the hospital. packing up her things. bandage on her neck where he ripped the damn thing out. he knocks on the door. doggett asks if she is ready to go. grand jury convenes today, he says. the cult believe they worshiped christ and that thing was the second coming. 

she says she is sorry for leaving him out. “it was, you screwed up” “and i won’t do it again” “i appreciate it” 

she goes to grab her things... but he takes her bag before she can grab it. then follows him out.

oh my god…. 

the end.

well, that ending was pretty fascinating.

did she really not want to bother him and that is why she left him out of the case? was this about her confronting her vulnerability? the nasty facts of it? that you have to rely on a partner, even if it isn’t your soulmate?

or was she trying to keep him at arm’s length and do her own thing because she still doesn’t fully trust him? or do you think this was about reclaiming her autonomy and doing something on her own terms when so much is out of her control, and then it backfired?

god, her begging him to rip that thing out and then carrying her…. whew. WILDLY intense. again, she was selling it, which is a hard thing to do when you have to act like a parasite is in your spine. and i will admit that i barely looked as he got it out because i was gagging, but: noble agent doggett, ripping a worm out of his new partner's body, wrapping her up in his jacket, and carrying her bridal-style to safety... all performed silently... whew. there are LAYERS there, man.

do you think he went home for the week she was in the hospital? or do you think he stayed by her side? do you think he hated her a little bit for doing something so reckless? do you think he blamed himself? 

how tf do you treat a person for a parasitic life form? i would assume a course of antibiotics... but can you even do that when you’re pregnant? maybe the thing was only in there for like a few hours so it didn’t mess with her system or the baby or anything *that* much, but like, holy fuck. her medical history is absolutely crazy, and that is a notable addition.

they kept her there for a week, so i assume doggett knows her secret now… and also, the creepy townspeople knew, and she likely had to testify about what happened anyway, which he might have read... he probably had his suspicions after the first time they kept her in the hospital for so long… oh my god, is she ever gonna, like. NOT put herself right in the face of danger? but in her defense, she really didn't know- she just went up to look at a body. there shouldn't have been any harm in that!

SIGH. she really wanted to help that hank fellow… but he was in on it. i mean, or was he? once it was in him, it seems like it takes over your brain, makes you do things in service of it. makes you think you’re anointed or something. even though he knew they were going to smash his brain open, he didn’t seem bothered, just truly excited for her opportunity to be next. and you know scully is always going to want to protect the innocent. it is in her DNA.

fuck. well. i don’t like this one, LMAO. don’t get me wrong!! it was a fine episode, i don’t have broader critiques about it mangling characters or whatnot... that was just TOOOO much for me. another case of the show where spooky things happen actually being a little TOO spooky for yours truly. i’m not looking forward to editing these notes tomorrow and rewatching it by proxy, so i might try to speed through them just so i don’t have to dwell on it. 

NASTY. nasty. 

fascinating things going on in scully and doggett’s brains, though. i wonder if she thought going down to utah and doing something on the side would distract her and keep her busy- make her days feel more purposeful as she waits for a lead on mulder. maybe she wanted to slight doggett. maybe she wanted something to be just hers. maybe she didn’t think about it at all and felt all these things subconsciously. she didn’t even tell him when she left… maybe she didn’t think it would be that long. either way, she is definitely in a lot of distress, so it’s not like she is in her normal state of mind. and it seemed like an easy enough thing to do… it makes me sad.

and poor doggett, too. i don’t think understanding scully will ever come easy to him. but he seems like he really wants to. she might be shutting him out purposefully, or perhaps not, but she is shutting him out either way, even when it seems like they’re getting closer, it must sting for both of them that he has to be mulder’s replacement, which stirs up all kinds of emotions… but finding her like that, listening to her howl in pain, and then cutting that thing out of her back...

and there is something really sick and twisted about them carrying each other's bloody and broken bodies to safety, but being unable to talk about anything other than work. something verrrrrry twisted there. and frankly, i am eating it up.

fuck. her having to tell her secret to someone she didn’t want to because it was her only chance of saving her life… sooo evil. that should be what she gets to share with her loved ones, not people trying to STICK A SPINE WORM IN HER. nasty. nasty. and in the end, they didn't even care!!

and we STILL haven't seen her mother... maybe they talked off-camera... well, i would have liked to see that... or maybe it is just coming later?

i wonder if she’ll be roughly 20% more cautious now. i wonder if the recklessness is a form of denial of her circumstances. i wonder if skinner would yell at her if he found out she slipped out to utah without telling anyone. ooo, tag me if you write that. 

for now, i end my thoughts here, because i do not wish to dwell on spine worm any longer. it was a perfectly fine- nay, even a good episode! but: YUCKY.

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

Can you do Experiment 1006 bonding with a Child! Orphan!Reader and eventually escaping the factory with them? (I know he's not extremely characterized, but I still want to see an ask with him)

Oooo yes!! I'm so eager to learn more about this mysterious guy. I’m fully convinced he contains the soul of Elliot Ludwig but for this fic I’ll leave his origins ambiguous.

.........

"[Y/n], sweetie? It's time to meet him."

Being lightly shaken from sleep, you rubbed your eyes to see the nice scientist lady you’ve been acquainted with. She was smiling down at you, and you smiled in return, knowing exactly who she was talking about.

Experiment 1006, aka the “Prototype”, though you knew absolutely nothing about this top-secret toy. You hoped to be paired with one of the popular toys, but you didn’t complain much. 

If anything you were excited to see what 1006 looked like! You felt pretty lucky compared to the other orphans, considering how “special” this one was.

So you eagerly followed the scientist to his chamber, noting the presence of a few armed guards and other specialists. Not to mention the door itself was reinforced with layers of steel and a complex locking mechanism.

‘Weird..I haven’t seen any other doors like this one.’ You were confused, and that confusion only grew when you were blindfolded, blanketed in darkness.

"Don’t be scared, it’s just me.” The scientist's voice calmly reassured you. “I want you to...really be surprised when you see him. Just keep it on until the door closes, okay?”

You nodded, trusting her. After all, she’s the one who adopted you and treated you like her own kid. As scared as you initially were when you learned you’ll spend the rest of your life in this place, she actually made it fun. She let you play games with Mommy Long Legs and all her friends, passing the “tests” with flying colors! You’d never want to leave. This place was basically paradise for children.

But there’s only so much she could do to shield you from the reality of why you’re stuck here. Of what might happen to you should you pass or fail these trials with 1006.

He’s become more violent, outsmarting even the top specialists--being responsible for the casualty of one.

Hopefully your presence will calm him enough to be studied. But obviously she didn’t want you to know that and for now will spare you from the truth, telling you that you’ll be introduced to a “very special toy”.

Once the door opened, you were rather quickly pushed inside before hearing it slam shut and lock behind you. It was unusual how frantic she and the other guards became, making you nervous.

Then you heard the sounds of thin metal tapping, scraping across the floor. It sounded like something was crawling towards you in a spiderlike fashion. Before you could remove the blindfold to see what was in front of you, you felt it being taken off for you with ease. And very delicately, too.

Now that you could see, your eyes widened when you realized this “special toy” was...just an arm.

That’s it. Just a large creepy arm made of metal, bone, and wires with needlelike fingers on each digit. This was definitely not any toy you’ve seen before, not even on a single poster or advertisement. 

You wondered where the rest of him was.

Through the security cameras, the scientists watched you interact with him. And not once did you cry, scream, beg to leave, or cower in the corner as they anticipated. You seemed to be communicating quite well with him, and he responded with a variety of gestures that his single hand could create.

The adults were astonished.

This was huge progress! Revolutionary, even. While Huggy Wuggy remained the optimal outcome for the experiments, they believed their prototype was near perfection and would be able to replace him soon.

But to avoid possible relapses into his hostile behavior, they decided to continue sending you into his chamber every week to play, studying you both for any new information he could provide them from how he interacts with you.

Still, there were times where he’d lash out whenever your sessions end and someone had to come take you out.

At one point, he had to be heavily sedated when he blocked the door, for once not trying to leave when he had the opportunity to do so. Rather, he tried to keep you from leaving.

This behavior was documented as “possessive”, but that was a lie.

He was well aware of what was going on here. He knew everything, including the fact that you were just among the many orphans subjected to the horrors this place contained--used as either suppressants for violent monsters like him or a candidate ripe for becoming a smaller living toy to be shipped around the world and bring joy to kids.

This hellhole wasn’t going to bring joy to anybody. Only suffering. These scientists who tried to play god were only getting innocent people killed.

He couldn’t stand to see you become one of them, especially after overhearing the last trial was coming up. He needed to protect you before you’re sent down into the depths of the factory, never to be seen again.

He needed to escape with you.

Then one day..

He finally seized the chance.

............

"I'm not worried about myself. One breakthrough and I'll be back. We must forge onwards in the name of science! Whether those who are beneath us understand it or not. End of-”

Blood splattered all across the cassette tape as it clattered to the floor, a body falling down beside it soon after, never to rise again.

1006 pulled his metal digits from the scientist’s neck before he continued through the corridor of many holding cells. Elsewhere, he heard the terrified screams of the staff and monstrous bellows of the other escaped experiments, finally feasting on flesh they so desperately craved.

He didn’t need it, though. He never did.

With nearly all the orphans gone, there was nobody to suppress their instincts to kill. And so he orchestrated this revolt by shutting down the security system and releasing them all from their confinements. A lockdown was initiated, but that only gathered all the humans together like cattle, ripe for slaughter.

How ironic. They are ones being treated like animals now.

Yet there was only one human he wished to spare.

And when he managed to shred the cell door’s hinges and break it down, he was relieved to find you in your bed, coming out of a deep sleep. You were given anesthesia some time ago in preparation for your “next adventure” in this facility, and you wondered where the scientist lady was and why she wasn’t escorting you.

But you were happier seeing 1006 greeting you, and you got up and approached him with a sleepy smile. Despite still being too tired to question him on what was happening, you followed him out of the cell and down the hall, ignoring the distant screams of the adults around you and strange animal-like noises.

Only a few of the toys calmed down as you passed them by, though 1006 told you to ignore them. They didn’t pursue you, being both obedient and terrified of the prototype. Once you left the room, only then did they resume their murderous rampage.

You weren’t sure how long you were wandering, hiding, and sneaking through vents. But eventually, one of the shafts led to the outside world.

That’s right.

You were actually outside--a place that didn’t reek of oil, old fabric and plastic, chemicals, and machinery. A place where you could see the sun, clouds, and dry grassy fields.

At this point, the anesthesia finally wore off completely and you realized what was happening.

You were out of that place.

You were free.

“Wow..” Was all you could whisper in your hoarse voice as you looked around, taking in every sight and sound possible, though the sounds of metal scraping against the ground made you turn back to 1006. You noticed he was going back towards the vent and frowned a bit. “Where are you going? We’re free now!”

He corrected you, saying that you were the only one free.

As for him, he realized that he needed to stay here. Out there, he was incomplete. There was no way he could care for you in the current state he was in. For a simple arm, he could do many things, sure, but unfortunately raising a child was something he couldn’t.

But the least he could do was free one who knew the true horrors of this place. One who may grow up to tell the tale so no other company tries these unethical experiments...

One who might even gain the strength to return and confront said horrors once and for all.

In his heart--or lack thereof--1006 knew it had to be you. You were destined to be set free...and to eventually set the others free.

For now, though, he had to figure out how to make himself whole again. He wasn’t sure how just yet, but he wouldn’t find those answers out here.

You, however, had a chance to find yourself.

Although you were sad to see him go, you believed his every word, understanding this world would only see him as a monster. So you crouched down as he opened his hand, allowing you to place your small palm in his metal one, watching his fingers curl around your hand tenderly.

“Thanks for being the dad I never had,” you whispered, a smile on your face and tears in your eyes. “I’ll miss you.”

After letting go of each other for the final time, he skittered back to the factory, giving you a small wave before he disappeared into the darkness. He sealed the vent shut in case you decided to follow him.

You’ll be the one to live to tell the tale.

And perhaps..even end it.

[interact-if]

Taking the spotlight for Day 6... Lucirene!

Lucirene, author of An Angel’s Song

Latino Heritage Month Featured Author

In the forest of Bres an otherworldly sickness corrodes the soil and changes the creatures within. “A parting gift from the fallen angels”  say the citizens of the Hyaku Region and the mark on your hand confirms it.

Though the scent travelling in the air is sweet and enticing everyone knows better than to get closer. But the mark, it pulses, it burns, the pain spreading as fast as the corruption of the forest does.

Your masters are calling, and it seems like this time you cannot escape them.

An Angel’s Song Demo | Author’s Ko-fi | Author’s Patreon | Read more [here]

Tags: dark fantasy, romance

(INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT UNDER THE CUT!)

Q1: So, tell us a little bit about the projects you’re working on!

I have so many, but the only one public is An Angel’s Song. It’s, more than anything, a story about grief, loneliness and overcoming it all while navigating a hostile environment and discovering long lost secrets about the Divine and about the MC’s country. That one is very cathartic for me to make because of the themes, I feel like I’m working through a lot of feelings I didn’t even realize I had by writing it.

The next one is also an IF and it focuses on comedy, adventure and character interaction. It’s supposed to be more lighthearted, more fun, but knowing me… I don’t know if it’ll stay that way. Basically, it goes: A Captain’s boat falls prey to the storms and the strange creatures living under the sea, and they and their crew end up washing ashore an icy, snowy country. I already have the main cast written down and they have so much synergy, it’s amazing.

And the last one I’ll talk about (a traditional novel) actually happens in the same setting as my second IF, but many, many years before, when their local deity/guardian was born. It’s more of a romance-fantasy than anything, a love story between a Goddess and a half-dragon, however it also showcases many of the situations the people had to navigate and face before their country could become the place you’ll see in my second IF.

Q2: What excites you most about using interactive fiction? What are some of the biggest challenges?

What I like most definitely is how much freedom we have as authors. Of course, one is constrained by one’s ability to code but I think, for the most part, we can do so many things, reach an entirely new level of immersion that would not be possible with a regular novel. It’s amazing how sometimes I’m reading something and get so into it, feel so connected to the MC I feel dread when they do, panic when they have to make a choice that will clearly impact a lot of people in their world. With IF you can really feel like you’re part of the story.

Another thing I like is being able to explore other paths with my writing. Like for example, what if the MC had done this instead of that? How would that have affected their relationships, their world state? Writing branches is a lot of work, especially because they could change so many things, but it feels oddly satisfying when you do decide to include them. 

Challenges… Coding, mainly. I feel like a lot of new aspiring IF authors are a bit afraid of coding and I can understand that, especially since, had it not been for the help of the community, I would have taken way longer to actually start using Twine. Hopefully with time for resources come up and it becomes less daunting.

I don’t know if any other author feels the same way but, though I think branching is a blessing, it is also a curse. I can only write the same conversation so many times, I mean I know I’m writing it in different tones and sometimes with different results but it gets frustrating after a while because it feels like you’re stuck, like you’re not progressing at all.

Another one would definitely be finding a balance between reader interaction and just following your vision. Since it’s IF at times I feel like I have to meet a quota of branches or ways in which you can react, sometimes I also find it difficult to make the MC feel like a real person instead of a reader-insert. I’m working on that.

Q3: What has been something in your project you’ve had to do a weird amount of research for?

That’s a difficult one… I don’t know if I would consider it weird but I do tend to investigate a lot about fashion, especially when designing the main outfits of the characters. I spend hours trying to find out what colors were used back then, what they meant, who was allowed to use them. I have this little image with some palettes for kimonos depending on the season.

I also spend too much time coming up with names, especially for places. Like I look up names of places that already exist, what they mean, I try to investigate if the words that I want to use make sense, then I panic because I can’t find anything, but I think that’s usual for writers. I also spent more time than necessary researching for the name of a tree that you will see way later in the book, which no one will probably notice what the name of the tree means or what it symbolizes but it makes me happy.

Honestly, I feel like the amount of research I have had to do has not been particularly weird? If anything at times I think I should research more, even if some aspects of Japanese culture will not apply to Kyou.

Q4: Which of your characters is most like you? How?

The initial version of the MC from An Angel’s Song, which I miss dearly since they had more personality. They were autistic coded too, and I hope some traces of that still remain. Apart from that I feel like all of the characters from the main cast share something with me, even if their experiences are, of course, more dramatic than my own.

A lot of them have issues with a paternal figure or an absent mother, which also resonates with me. Some of Saori’s traits draw inspiration from ways in which I talked or acted before I became a little better at masking, before I became more self-aware. Hazuki being emotional and caring, K being a bit clingy but devoted, Masa having a temper yet loyal, Miwa being friendly but reluctant to open up beyond surface level information. I think those things describe me.

There’s also Rei but I don’t think I’m writing her book anytime soon. She’s someone that’s very family oriented, she’s a bit temperamental but she means well and she’s not afraid to speak her mind. Now that I think about it, maybe Rei is more the person I want to become.

Q5: Does your heritage influence your characters as you create them? (How? Why or why not?)

I’ve been living in Venezuela my whole life so I think so, even if most of the time I don’t even notice it. I believe that this happens especially in regards to relationships because people in Venezuela are very family oriented and also, from what I’ve experienced, they form strong bonds with their neighbors, which creates this strong sense of community —sometimes it goes well, sometimes it doesn’t, but my mom and her friends always make at least some friends in their neighborhoods and they gossip with some coffee about the happenings of the rest—. So when it comes to writing a character it is very important to me to make an emphasis on family relationships because those are a strong part of my culture, of my identity. 

In An Angel’s Song you have the main cast having issues or conflicting emotions about one or multiple members of their family, which influence their behavior and their outlook on life, but for the most part they are (or will be) able to form similar relationships with people that are not related to them, or to work towards restoring that relationship, transforming it into something healthier. 

In my other books family dynamics are also immensely important. For example, I’m going to mention Rei again because I love her. So, Rei has a sister named Rin, and they are both very close, even if they haven’t spent much time together. Their bond and trust in each other helps them overcome a lot of obstacles and they rely on each other when they need support or encouragement. Rei also has other people that she thinks of as siblings, and restoring that relationship with them is one of her main goals. There’s also this recurring guilt she feels at leaving her birth family and her home to explore, because to her, families are supposed to stay together.

Another aspect that I think influences my writing is religion, even if I wasn’t raised in a particularly religious household nor do I belong to any religion. Religion is a big deal in this country, we have so many events and holidays relating to religious figures. I remember when I was very young I loved going to one of the churches here because the Virgin of that town had a building filled with pretty clothes to dress her with. 

So, in that vein, I try to think about the character’s relationship with religion, do they believe in the Gods? Do they trust them? Do they follow local deities or prefer the main pantheon? How does this religion shape the way people interact with each other and the world? In regards to characters that are Venezuelan or Venezuelan-coded… I do have a few that are Venezuelan, but I don’t think I’m going to be releasing their stories soon, so I’ll keep it quiet for now.

Q6: What is something you love to see in interactive fiction?

People being passionate about their work! This isn’t something exclusive to IF, but it is something that I love seeing. I also like seeing the different ways people innovate within the genre. I feel like sometimes, especially with newer writers, there is this idea that an IF has to subscribe to a specific format and that’s simply not true. If you don’t want to use a stat system you don’t have to, if you want to add combat then go ahead, if you would prefer to write an MC that’s already pretty pre-established (which is something that I personally want to try) then there’s nothing stopping you and I encourage you to give it a go. IF is very versatile and it’s wrong to try and fit authors into a box, especially if they want to bring something new into our little corner of the internet.

Q7: Any advice to give?

In general, I advise people to have fun writing, to not worry so much about how good it is, about if people will like it. Writing, at the end of the day, ends up being a pretty solitary activity and having those thoughts in your head too long will make you spiral. Be kind to yourself, be open to feedback when it comes (and learn to distinguish constructive feedback from destructive feedback) and enjoy the exploration of your world and characters. 

You are not alone in all of this. If you can, join a group of writers you can talk with, exchange ideas, get feedback from or just exchange memes (the ultimate bonding experience). Don’t be afraid, you’re not alone.

[magicofthepen]

Having put some amount of thought into similar concepts, I would very much love to hear about “Gallifrey BUT FANTASY”

Send me a WIP doc title (list here) and I’ll talk about it!

Thank you for asking about this one! It’s an idea that’s been slowly coalescing for at least a year and a half now – it’s never quite made it onto the active projects list because it’s a big one, and I keep having other big projects that I want to tackle first. But I love gradually coming back to and building this au, and hopefully I’ll write it eventually?

The general world premise is pretty straightforward: magic replaces both time travel and regeneration, so it’s a magic-based world instead of a tech-based one, and also the ability to do magic is only given to certain Gallifreyans (a Time Lords = mages sort of thing). Also in this world the different temporal powers/planets are different countries/kingdoms/empires. 

The story itself would be a series of three longfics that starts with a very narrow cast and gradually broadens to a more sprawling epic fantasy vibe as the series continues. A quick overview:

Fic 1 is a Romana/Leela Rapunzel AU (inspired by Tangled specifically tbh), ft. Pandora as the Mother Gothel figure. 

Fic 2 is the immediate aftermath of Romana’s return to Gallifrey and the "power struggle over the throne” conflict that emerges between her and Darkel. (Narvin and Brax show up in this one.)

Fic 3 is set some number of years after Fic 2. It’s a “Pandora returns” fic, but narratively it’s more inspired by the Time War. Devastating magical conflict, large cast of characters, but does have a hopeful/happy-ish ending. (Also: Romana/Leela/Narvin endgame.) 

Lots more rambling under the cut: 

Fic 1: Rapunzel AU

This fic is technically Tangled-inspired, but I should disclaim that I haven’t actually seen Tangled in many years, so my memories of it are somewhat vague? But there’s one scene from Tangled that inspired a scene in this fic, plus a certain similar enemies-to-friends-to-lovers vibe going on, and some inspiration for Leela’s backstory (if I’m remembering that movie correctly)? 

Romana is the Rapunzel figure, of course. The heiress stolen away from the kingdom as a very young child, so she doesn’t remember anything before being raised by Pandora. In this story, Pandora’s endgame isn’t to keep her trapped away forever – she’s grooming Romana to be able to possess her when the time is right and take the throne for herself. (Still need to work out a lot of plot details, including how much contact Romana has with the outside world, how Pandora is able to manifest without a body?? (because she’s definitely still a dark spirit of some kind in this world....), the exact nature of magic and magical rituals and how exactly Pandora stealing Romana and raising her benefits her endgame.)

(Also there’s an Etra Prime reference here, with Romana being trapped away from the world for twenty years. In this au, Pandora is also the stand-in for the Daleks – aka who/what Romana is most afraid of and traumatized by.)

Leela’s backstory is a work in progress, so I don’t want to say too much in case I change it, but at the point her life and Romana’s collide, she’s lived in Gallifrey before and it was not a good time. (On a side note: I feel like this fic may be a thinly veiled excuse to give Leela a sword.) 

This fic majorly focuses on Romana and Leela’s relationship arc, aka “extremely sheltered book smart mage who's been cut off from love and connection her whole life” meets “warrior who’s traveled a lot but has never really found a home anywhere and is (probably?) on the run from the Gallifreyan authorities for Reasons.” Short version: their lives collide, Romana gets tangled up in Leela’s plot drama (which is also mostly tbd) and ends up sneaking away from Pandora, they fall in love, just as Romana starts to see how much she’s been used and manipulated her whole life, Pandora tries to tear them apart and use both of them as pawns in her plan. Of course, they defeat her and all ends well (for now).

Fic 2: Struggle for the Throne

For Reasons (that will be uncovered later), the throne of Gallifrey has quite recently become vacant – just in time for Romana and Leela to show up in the capital city (they don’t ever go there in Fic 1). Romana just wanted to see where she was from after finally escaping Pandora, but in this world, Gallifrey has some sort of monarchy/inheritance of power thing going on, and Romana is actually the closest heir to the throne. The next closest is Darkel, who assumed she would take the throne, before Romana suddenly returns from the dead.   

Except Romana didn’t come back to take the throne. That was Pandora’s plan, Romana doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life and had no idea that she was walking into a power vacuum situation. But she ends up seeing how very terrible Darkel is, and how very terrible Gallifrey is, and starts genuinely wanting to be in charge so she can Change Things. She sees how terrible Gallifrey is to Leela (and other outsiders and non-mages) and wants to make this place better for her.....but over time gets swept up in the power struggles and the need to court favor with the other royals, which strains her relationship with Leela. 

Meanwhile, Leela’s dealing with returning to Gallifrey, a place where she already feels unwelcome (and probably is in some trouble with the law and needs to clear her name? again, lots of backstory details are tbd). And so she ends up struggling to decide if she really wants to be with Romana, if Romana’s going to end up in charge of this kingdom.....but she also hates Darkel and wants to help defeat her claim to the throne? I think there’s also going to be a plot thread in Fic 1 involving the village Leela was born in, and if so, this fic will also be dealing with the fallout of those events from Fic 1. (Keeping things vague because it’s all pretty up in the air right now.) 

And we finally meet spymaster Narvin, who is a main character from here through the rest of the series! I’m not going to get into his backstory in this au right now (because some things are still tbd, some things I don’t want to spoil), but he is not pleased about this young upstart heiress showing up out of nowhere and getting power handed to her without ever actually living in this kingdom. He doesn’t trust that she’s actually loyal to Gallifrey, especially since rumor has it she was raised and given/taught magic by some dark spirit – which goes against the long-standing Gallifreyan traditions of how magic is granted and taught and raises some major questions about how safe the kingdom would be in her hands. (These are also the prevailing arguments in general for tossing Romana’s claim to the throne.) 

Narvin and Leela also have.....a history. Not a particularly positive one. 

So this fic is also slowburn enemies-to-friends with Narvin + Romana and Narvin + Leela, as they gradually grow to understand and trust each other, and ultimately all work together against Darkel.

Brax is also in this fic? I am quite nervous about Brax being in this fic (I don’t feel qualified to write Brax! I usually avoid writing Brax for that reason!) But he’s the main “well-respected mage from an old family” who actually vouches for Romana and tries to help soothe the fears of the more conservative royals about supporting her claim to the throne. I’d also like to do a version of the “Brax as Romana’s tutor” thing, where he ends up working with her on developing her magic, since she didn’t go through the Academy system and is worried that her magic is tainted by Pandora. There may also end up being an almost-arranged marriage plotline with Romana and Brax, where certain people would be more willing to support Romana’s claim if she married someone respectable (and this is another thing that drives a wedge in Romana and Leela’s relationship). (She ends up turning him down, ultimately.) 

So it’s a fic about characters figuring out what they want in life and figuring out how to communicate better with each other and be better at relationships and friendships, all the while trying to stop Darkel from seizing the throne. 

Fic 3: Magical War

So there’s a significant time skip between Fic 2 and Fic 3 where the characters are going about their lives post-Darkel’s defeat and trying to make Gallifrey a somewhat less terrible place. 

But, however Romana and Leela defeat Pandora in Fic 1, it isn’t permanent. And when Pandora returns, it’s with an army of magical spirits (or something along those lines) that are slowly encroaching on the kingdom and poisoning magic itself (aka the Dogma virus But Fantasy). 

I don’t want to spoil too many of the plot details here, but this fic is a lot of “fantasy twist on specific events in the Gallifrey audios” – it draws some elements from the civil war, some from the Time War (especially because of that whole “Pandora is also Metaphorically the Daleks” thing), plus some other Specific Things from other audios. (Basically, I tossed the Gallifrey audios in a soup and stirred and made it fantasy?) 

Slow skirmishes and terrible attacks on the outskirts of the kingdom keep happening, Pandora’s forces draw closer and closer until they reach the capitol itself – and things go very wrong, and our main characters end up needing to wrest control back from Pandora (which may involve upending the entire system of magic in Gallifrey in the process? again, still figuring out how this fic is going to end – all I know is that unlike the actual audios, it will be a hopeful/happy ending). Lots of personal sacrifices are made, lots of old traumas need to be grappled with. Also re: Narvin/Leela and Narvin/Romana, this is the “friends to lovers” part of the “enemies to friends to lovers” slowburn arc. 

(Probably my biggest writing struggle for this fic is that I don’t really know what Brax’s arc is going to be. I’m not that familiar with Brax (I only know him from the Gallifrey audios), and I’m not strongly invested in his character, so I don’t feel like I’d do a good job writing him? But this is an ensemble fic and I can’t just ignore his character, so. it’s a challenge I don’t yet know how to deal with?)

But overall, one of the reasons I’m quite interested in this fic series is because it gives me the chance to write a version of these characters’ stories where things do get rough, but they do get a happy ending of sorts. (And more specifically, I get to write a version of Romana’s story where her self-sacrificing/suicidal tendencies actually get addressed, and she slowly starts to heal.) 

So that was a lot of rambling and vagueness, but thanks for giving me the excuse to talk about this au! It’s quite a daunting project (I have little experience with longfic and with plotty fic), but I’d really love to tackle it someday! (And I would love to hear about any fantasy aus you’ve developed!!)

[thissimplefeelingzine]

regarding your inexperienced w zines mod team- do u at least have somebody handling finances that has experience w a completed zine? that’s SUPER important, especially now, and I would urge you to reach out if not and find somebody to handle that positon. looking forward to this zine!

Hello anon,

I am Mod Dogfeathers*, and while posting directly to our socials is somewhat rare for me, I am This Simple Feeling's current Finance Mod, and so I thought it very important that I address your concerns directly, myself. I am very shy, I am neurodivergent, and I have severe social anxiety, and so most of the work I've done for This Simple Feeling thusfar has been infrastructural and supportive, somewhat away from wider visibility. However, I am extremely aware of the awesome responsibility that falls squarely on my shoulders as finance mod, and that the community around our zine– from my fellow mods and our potential contributors to the fans who will be cheering us on and reading issue 6 next year– must be able to depend on me to manage our finances through every stage of This Simple Feeling's production. The success of our project requires the community's collective confidence in me, and I am extremely keen to build that trust.

So, first, I want to apologize for the length of time that you've had to wait for this reply, and assure you we've been taking your concerns very seriously. Much of this time has been spent in deliberative reflection as to whether or not I should remain in this role. I love this project, and I have invested a prodigious amount of time and effort and affection into it since Head Mod @menecio approached me in early November 2020; I desperately want it to succeed. I have never wavered that I want to remain in this role, and my fellow staff have not wavered in their conviction that I should remain here, too. That said, I am aware that the success of our zine does not particularly care about what I want or what feels good, and so I took some time to seriously assess my own capabilities, to strenuously question my resolve, and to seek advice from people with zine experience who I trust. We have determined that I shall remain Finance Mod, but I want to stress that this was neither an easy nor an immediate decision– I did not let it be an easy or immediate decision, because what has always mattered to me is what's best for the zine. In the end, that determination was made based on the work that I've already done and the trust that my team has in my abilities.

Nevertheless, we want to emphasize that we continue to take your concerns seriously; we recognize that my lack of zine experience is both significant and reasonable cause for concern. We are taking additional measures to address that lack, beyond those that I insisted upon when I accepted this role. I will shortly lay out some of my relevant experience, but in recognition that it is limited and that it may not be sufficient to assuage your concerns, I want to make clear one of the additional measures that I requested during this period of consideration.

My husband and my partner of ten years, Tom, is a trained accountant, and he will now be supervising my work for this project directly. He had already agreed to assist me informally, and had– with supreme patience– already conducted a few intense, 6 hour long sessions to explain the ways that double-entry bookkeeping and Microsoft Access can be used to manage a project of this nature. He will continue to do that, but he will also be keeping an eye on my work and checking up that work periodically. I will still be managing our accounts, my name will still be on our books, and this will still be my job, but Tom will be actively present to confirm that I am doing this correctly. He does not have zine experience, he is not involved in fandom, and he does not have fandom-relevant socials– he has no specific pull towards fandom participation, the way I do– but he has worked for several years as one of two accountants for the library of one of the USA's top 40 public research universities, managing the extremely complex and surprisingly variable needs of such a massive nonprofit, and has been responsible for controlling several million dollars of public acquisitions spending in that capacity. (His way of describing this: "Each year we spent about the same amount as the budget for 10 Things I Hate About You, and I was in charge of a little over half of it.")

As part of this supervisory role, Tom is also going to maintain a presence in our server. He is not a mod and plays no part in decision making beyond occasionally giving us financial advice when asked, but he has appropriate server roles to provide direct access to mod discussions, so that he can be present to pay attention when I bring financial data to the team, and to answer our collective financial questions, should any arise that are beyond my personal capacity. When his schedule permits, he is also available to our contributors and mods to answer their questions directly in server.

What follows is a non-comprehensive, but hopefully thorough, summary of my relevant experience.

By training and professionally, I am a studio artist with an MFA, the terminal degree in my field. I manage my own studio practice. This is a complicated, variable job that requires a great deal of flexibility, responsiveness, and skill– most of which does not actually involve the hand-skills necessary to create the literal artwork the studio practice ostensibly produces. As an artist, I am a sole proprietor, and my studio is my business, but with very specific needs not necessarily found in other businesses, and I run it without assistants. I maintain my inventory and my supplies, I purchase and manage equipment necessary to create work, I manage my work through various states of creation and exhibition and– sometimes– publication, I take on clients for commission, I apply to shows (for which there is always a fee), I work with gallerists and curators, I research and make connections with different platforms and specialist logistics businesses (PayPal/money handlers, banks, streaming platforms, printers, data storage). All of those affect my studio's finances, and so they must be managed carefully, in addition to sales of prints and original artwork (thusfar handled privately, as is fairly normal– we are often encouraged not to maintain digital storefronts, because it can dissuade potential gallerists from representing us; I am in the process of threading that needle.) In this capacity, I have no employer: I am responsible for taxes– both knowing what they are and paying them– and fees, I am responsible for my costs, and I am responsible to my business partners. There is no external buffer– if I fail any of this, I am the only party responsible for making it right.

Because I believe in the transformative power of art (and, for that matter, fandom), I try to work with local arts organizations and nonprofits when possible, particularly when it comes to showing my work and engaging in community arts efforts. I prefer to support group projects that elevate multiple artists, and/or organizations that serve diverse communities. Prior to COVID, I was doing a volunteer-intensive residency with local community arts nonprofit whose mission is to bring art and heritage craft skills to communities that would not otherwise be able to access such training; COVID has necessitated a change in my ability to serve them, but I do still work for them in a more limited capacity, usually grantwriting.

Though I prioritize nonprofits, I have also worked as an assistant/intern for urban galleries using for-profit and co-op funding structures, which involved both basic work associated with gallery assistantship (manning desks, running errands, calling support businesses, promotion, show installation, etc), and sometimes work on specific projects that required knowledge of the institution's fiscal state and available funds (from contacting local businesses about the replacement of a gallery's floor and helping to plan the launching of a new residency, to more routine tasks, such as contacting local bakeries about catering or hosting satellite shows, and ordering promotional material from printers.) All galleries run on extremely tight budgets, and having been exposed to a variety different gallery funding structures (with concomitantly different priorities and audiences) gives me an awareness of the work and the precision required to achieve ambitious goals with extremely limited finances. They are why I price things out on three levels: the ideal, the nearly-ideal, and the most affordable that still meets our high bar for quality.

I have experience writing grants, both for myself and (more notably) for the nonprofit at which I am an AIR (artist in residence). The most ambitious of these grants has reached the second stage of consideration, which is notable both because the granting organization is not arts specific, the deciding board is composed mostly of bankers with deep fiscal expertise, and we were asking for funds significantly in excess of what that grant usually offers. That decision is expected in June of next year. Grant-writing is less of an abstraction on the skills necessary for a zine than it might initially seem: both involve my operation as an agent representing the organization for which I requesting money; art grants are usually for very specific projects with very specific constraints; they usually require that our funding comes from multiple sources that are then pooled to enact the project; the projects have a specific lifespan and a schedule on which key stages must be completed; they require extremely precise budgeting; we are directly accountable for both the project and the precise management and tracking of said funding; and we must be ready to provide statements and proof of the project's progress and funding at every stage of the project's active lifespan, as well as a summary report at the end.

I have curatorial experience with local and regional art shows, usually organized by a small independent team working closely with a local, preferably-nonprofit gallery who is lending us their space; those roles are very analogous to the XO/logistical role I am currently fulfilling for This Simple Feeling. Though we worked with local galleries, and could sometimes make use of some of their equipment (such as hammers and nails and– if we were very lucky– leftover paint), we were responsible for every aspect of the actual hosting of the show and associated costs. This included equipment rental, installation costs, costs to repair & repaint to walls from the normal damage of installation, catering, sometimes utilities and space rental, etc. All of those costs were additional to the cost of recruiting artists, hosting calls, managing the artists and their work, managing sales of the work throughout the duration of the show, managing the sales of any prints the artists or merch the artists wanted to offer alongside the work, and organizing any publications or promotional materials released for the shows. Each show had different financial needs, but they all required budgets prior to their beginning, modified when necessary as the project came closer to realization and new constraints presented themselves. The businesses we solicited quotes from and our cost-reduction strategies varied from show to show, but all of the teams I worked with were semi-formal groups of friends and collaborators, similar to the teams that design zines, and so we did not have a pool of institutional capital to use for funding– we had to generate or barter for all of that ourselves. We did it because we loved it and we believed in it, not because it was potentially lucrative (community art shows almost never are, even less than zines; the point is celebration of our community.)

And that, honestly, is one of the most relevant bits of experience I've accumulated to date, tangential but applicable to a project like this: the awareness that this kind of project is done for love, not money. Issue 6 is being produced for charity, but even wildly successful for-profit zines will almost never be able to make enough profit to adequately compensate the cost of the staff's time, which would be upwards of $20k, if you paid them $10/hr, which is below the cost of living in most parts of my country. The cost to hire freelance writers is, at minimum, $.10 a word. The artwork in zines would cost in the hundreds– and, more realistically, thousands– of dollars, in a professional illustrative or fine art context. The writers and artists who contribute to zines absolutely make work that reaches (and exceeds) the professional standards required to participate in those industries. Our contributors have trained for years to hone their skills, and they put those skills towards making work for us, for free; our staff similarly donate their time to accomplish very complex tasks to support that creative work; that time could be spent producing work for those professional contexts, but instead they give it to us, and they do that because they believe in us and our community, and they want to celebrate a fandom and a ship– Star Trek and K/S– that have brought us together, and (with Trek and K/S specifically) have supported fandom engagement for over five decades. They give that work to us, and the only thing they ask is for us to make a zine out of it. I am an artist and a writer, I have formal training in both disciplines, and I understand these costs: I cannot express how seriously I take the gift of their time and energy, and how profoundly I am humbled to be trusted with it.

If I sound zealous, it's because I am, and because I am excruciatingly aware that from the moment our staff begins working on this project and our contributors start making their works, the financial responsibility for taking all that gifted energy and skill and effort becomes solely my own. If I fail as finance mod, I do not fail only myself, as would be the case in my studio practice– I also fail my fellow mods and every single one of my contributors, and I fail the community responsible for the generation of work that has provided me solace for decades. If I fuck up as finance mod, it is solely my responsibility to make it right.

As I said before, your concerns are absolutely reasonable– I share many of them– and all of this experience is tangential, and zines are different projects to those that I've worked on before, with different constraints and needs. I have thus taken action and structured my own work as a mod to assuage these concerns in myself, in ways that I hope will concomitantly assuage some of your concerns as well. I am paying attention to my own inexperience, I am preventing myself from functioning on auto-pilot, I am taking nothing for granted, and I am being actively vigilant for the inevitable gaps in my own expertise.

That's easy to say, but what does it look like? Thusfar, it takes the form of huge amounts of research, and the connection to a extant network of experienced zinesters, both of which are repositories of information with which I am trying to plug some of my gaps. I know well, as an academic who also practices disciplines (art and writing) that are precarious by their nature, that there is a big difference between external research and experience– but if everyone starts somewhere, then I have gone to great lengths to map out the place where I'm starting as thoroughly as possible. I have read (and often annotated) literally every resource on the production and staffing of fandom zines that I could find. When I have a question, I check these sources and I also look for examples of whatever I'm curious about 'in the wild'. To determine the likely price of our zine, for example, I looked through seven pages of tags on popular hub/promotion blogs on Tumblr, and generated a comprehensive Excel sheet from one such session that allowed me to compare prices against the number of pages and the kinds of merch offered alongside the zines in question. To balance the holes in that mode of data collection, I have also sought contacts and tried to build a relationship with communities around zine production: i have close friends who work on zines (and who initially got me interested in this kind of project– you know who you are, and my thanks is infinite for your patience and your willingness to act as resource), and I regularly make a pest of myself by asking strange questions to folks in Discord servers dedicated to the topic (I am also grateful to these communities, in similar terms). When possible, or if the question is specific enough, I try to go directly to the source: when I was uncertain what, specifically, could be used to verify a PayPal account, and found conflicting answers in their documentation, I spent three days talking to various help desk personnel until I found a solid answer on which to proceed. All of this is basic, and deserves no accolades.

If I am anything in my personal art practice, it is a colorist, and so I already had fairly deep knowledge of color theory prior to my involvement here– however, because color accuracy is so important to printed artwork, and depends so much on printer technology, the capacity and setup of individual print shops, and digital color spaces, I have spent time researching this too. I have requested printing samples from 7 different printers, and I have peppered the ones that meet the zine's standards with esoteric questions about what kind of printing presses they use and what ICC profiles their digital presses are set up to handle. I have done this because when it comes time (very shortly) for our Art Mod (@i-drive-a-nii-san) and myself to make some final determinations on which printers we want to use, it is important to me personally that we have the most comprehensive data available with which to make that decision. The zine that we publish needs to be pragmatically affordable– but within the scope of that pragmatism, I want the best quality possible, so as to do justice to the contributions that will live on its pages. 

I am aware that all of my experience is tangential, and that the direct relevance that it has on this situation is limited. I am aware that there are gaps in my knowledge. I am aware of the awesome responsibilities I have as finance mod, and that I am a potential bottleneck upon which this project either breaks and fails or through which it passes and succeeds. I am aware of the gift inherent in every work we receive and every moment of staff working time, and the legacies at play with K/S specifically. I am aware that all the book-learning in the world has limited bearing on the actual experience of doing something on the ground. I find my experience lacking, and for that reason, I very seriously considered stepping down. I am humbled by the responsibility required by this position; I decided to stay because the trust my team expressed in me was also humbling.

My experience may be tangential, but there is a final element that I strongly suspect is applicable to my role as finance mod (and mod generally): in a project like a zine, done for love and for community, there are a myriad ways in which trust matters, small enough to overlook but overwhelming in their accumulation. The trust of the external fandom/zinester community matters, and for that reason I am being as honest as possible, and almost ceded my position to someone with greater experience; the trust of one's fellow staff and collaborators also matters in significant ways. An administrative team that trusts each other– that has confidence in each others' abilities and convictions, that understands each others' outlooks and that communicates well, and that deeply believes that that they will mutually have each other's backs– that kind of administrative team is an awesome thing, and their confidence is often perceptible to the contributors in very real ways, who then trust the administrative team to have their backs and to support them as necessary. Collaborators and administrators who have established that trust with each other tend to work together more effectively, and produce stronger work as a result, especially in a creative capacity. Good work requires creative risk-taking, which in turn requires the certainty that administration can support the necessary risk-taking and facilitate its success. The establishment of such trust is not automatic– we must work for it, actively– but the team involved in issue 6 of This Simple Feeling has that trust in each other, and the willingness to build it with both our collaborators and the wider community around our zine.

My confidence in the rest of my team is unshakeable. They have, in turn, expressed their confidence in me, that I am able to do the tasks and handle the responsibility involved with being finance mod on a project as specific and complex as a fandom zine for charity; I will trust them, and I will continue to work to earn their trust. I will also trust the broad community of zinesters around me, and solicit their expertise to help me navigate unfamiliar waters, and I will trust the professional expertise of my partner, who I have asked to donate his time. I will not lie, and so I make no promise that I won't fuck up in this role– but I will absolutely promise that if I do, I will make it right, and I will do everything in my power to prevent such fuckups from occurring in the first place.

I encourage you or anyone else to contact me if you have further questions; I can be reached through the contact forms on my personal Carrds– both linked on This Simple Feeling's staff bio on the Carrd– or alternatively you can request my Discord handle via DM on This Simple Feeling’s Tumblr or Twitter.

- Mod Dogfeathers/42/booleanWildcard/NAB

* I write fanfiction under the name booleanWildcard, and I am known socially as 42 or */asterisk. I post drawings as Dogmachine. I sign my visual work as NAB, my initials.

* We are using Microsoft Access instead of Excel, because Access is more flexible and comprehensive with its ability to cross-reference multiple fields. We will use it to generate reports for release, including possibly ones that can be plugged into Excel/Google Sheets

[illfoandillfie]

going under a cut because its long lmao

tarot cards: Queen of Cups, 3 of swords, king of pentacles, knight of wands, 2 of wands, 10 of wands, king of pentacles, the world

okay, before i jump into these cards i just wanted to note that while i was shuffling i had a few cards sort of flip over or like stick out at the wrong angle and i definitely saw the 9 of swords and 8 of swords which both speak to the hopeless/stuck feelings you’ve been having. but neither card fell out or was drawn they just sort of showed themselves to me which means that these feelings aren’t likely to stick around. It’s definitely tied more to your current energy than your future energy.

While i was drawing these cards I was asking about what’s coming in your near future so I was thinking the next few months but timing can be hard to place so if things don’t happen immediately, don’t worry about it, it doesn’t mean they never will.

So, now to the actual cards. First up the queen of cups and the 2 of wands. I think this is a call for compassion and kindness, probably towards yourself. The two of wands is about a desire for the unknown. Making plans, deliberating, hesitating. And the queen of cups is calm and comforting and compassionate. Together these are a reminder to not beat yourself up for what is out of your control. Sometimes circumstances keep us from getting what we really want. Sometimes it’s our own fears or uncertainty but sometimes it’s to do with family or work or the state of the world. But, sometimes the delay can be a blessing. It’s a good time to reflect on what you want and plan for how you can bring it about. The queen of cups can be read as a visionary. She is wise and devoted and is tied to dreams becoming reality. If things don’t seem to be progressing, use this time to take care of yourself and get in touch with your own needs and desires. Figure out what you’re looking for so that you recognise it when you see it.

Next up is the 3 of swords and the 10 of wands. Admittedly, neither of these are especially happy cards. The 3 of swords in particular is tied to heartache and suffering, disruptive forces, and absence. You feel as if something is missing and its weighing on you. Similarly the 10 of wands is symbolic of burdens and suffering but it’s a hopeful card. It’s also about success, though it might come at a cost, and accomplishment. This is a promise that things will turn around for you within the near future, that they’ll get better. It won’t be easy, sometimes it will be a great struggle as if you’re carrying more than you should be, but there is success at the end of it.

Because next up we have double king of pentacles. I gasped when the second king came out because it doesn’t happen very often and I remember the king of pentacles came up in your previous readings. As I’m sure I have said before, the king of pents signifies abundance, prosperity and security but i won’t go too deep into what qualities he’s tied too since i’ve said it before. What I will talk about is why he’s appeared twice in the same column. So, if we look at your cards so far, we have a mix of hurt and hope. And i think thats why the king of pents is in there twice. Because his absence is part of the hurt right now but his potential arrival is part of the hope. He represents both what is missing and what you’re trying to find. But, hopefully his showing up here is a sign that he could approach soon. Like I said in our chat, it’s not guaranteed and you need to put in effort to meet him or, if you think you know who it is, to connect with him, but I do think his appearance here twice is a good sign.

And finally, the knight of wands and the world. The knight of wands is about action and adventure and energy. He’s on the move, he’s confident and excited and fearless. And the world is about fulfilment and harmony and completion. It’s assured success. It might come after a long journey but it will come. Interestingly the knight of wands is also linked to travel and departure and altered plans. He can represent absence as well as distance so again we have that duality of hurt and hope. This may be a sign that the king of pents was meant to come towards you sooner but circumstances changed and he’s had to change course. It could also be a message for you to try to overcome whatever limits you are placing on yourself to manifest this relationship. At a very basic level or could also just indicate that the king of pents, whoever his is, is linked to travel somehow - maybe he travels for work or he just likes taking trips or maybe you’ll meet him while commuting somewhere. Either way, stay open to the possibility of meeting him. Stay hopeful that it will work out. Because, as scary or hard as that 3 of swords may feel, there is a lot to be hopeful about in here.

a couple of other things i want to point out:

We start with the queen of cups and the last card of that row is the knight of wands. their energies are very different. the queen is soft and tender and empathetic. She’s calm and soothing and still. the knight is bold and courageous and ambitious. he’s about movement and taking chances because he feels bulletproof. this could be a message about what you can do to help manifest your king. Take action, put yourself out there, don’t be afraid to cut loose and show your passionate side. (Or, because its hard not to be afraid, fake it until you make it. act confident until confidence is second nature.)

Then, the second row. It starts with the 2 of wands which is a card that usually depicts a man holding a globe to signify his desires. And then we end with The World. If that’s not a hopeful message then i don’t know what is.

okay, onto your oracles. 

I started with a crystal spirit and you got number 6 - Aqua Aura Quartz. It represents: Connecting to infinite potential, a renewed sense of purpose, wonder, and awe. I don’t always quote directly from the guidebook but theres a little second in there that i feel really fits with your situation so i’m gonna quote it. It says: There are eight billion people on this planet, yet soul mates somehow find each other, friends and lovers show up in the most unexpected places, and love makes itself known just as you are beginning to doubt that is is out there for you. Aqua Aura Quartz Spirit’s message to you today is to become childlike with wonder. Believe in magic. Believe in the power of love to find its way to you no matter how dark the house, for love is everywhere and you have not been forgotten.  As an aside, if you’re into numerology the number 6 may hold significance for you - it could be related to your life path number or it could be an important date (6th of feb/march? something in june?).

After that I pulled a Moonology card and you got Full Moon in Scorpio - It’s time to release negativity. This is definitely a sign to try and shake off the hopelessness you’ve been feeling. I know that’s probably easier said than done but it would be worth it to try. 

While we’re on the subject of the moon and astrology, I got 2 Arcana of Astrology cards the Waxing Crescent Moon and the Ninth House. The waxing crescent represents growth and initiative. Growth comes in two phases. firstly, the obstacles which are negative patters from the past and secondly, the actions which are changes made to move forward. This card indicates that now is a good time to focus on that second part of growth. Focus your energy towards what you want to accomplish rather than what has happened in the past. Then the ninth house  which is the realm of philosophy. It’s about knowledge and truth and the desire for understanding. This card is letting you know that now is the right time to look outside your comfort zone and explore new ideas or opportunities. Interestingly the ninth house in astrology can also involve travel and exploration which definitely ties in into some of your tarot cards. 

Next we have a Dragon Path card - number 8, Magic and Manifestation. These dragons are here to help you turn your dreams into reality. Because you pulled this card I also pulled you some cards from my Making Magic deck. Originally I just wanted 1 but 3 popped out at once so I took them all. These cards all depict a sigil or symbol that can be used in spellwork or that you can focus on to help manifest what you want. They are: Love Charm - Attract a lover, soul mate or life partner / Triple Spiral - Listening to divine wisdom and joyfully learning life’s lessons. / Goddess - Healing feminine energy. Obviously love charm is a good fit but I think the others are as well. A lot of these cards have related to healing and moving forward and then the triple spiral really seemed to fit in with the knowledge thing in the ninth house and potentially with the visionary aspect of the queen of cups. 

Tarot: 3 of cups, 3 of swords, 3 of wands, queen of pentacles, ace of swords, 4 of pentacles, 6 of cups, 2 of cups. 

Okay. so onto the second part of the reading. With these cards I was trying to focus on getting more info about you person, the king of pents, the soul mate, whatever you want to call them. 

So right off the bat I have to point out the 3 different 3s. I can assure you these cards were well shuffled and it wasn’t like they all came out in a clump together, it was one and then some shuffling and then the next and then shuffling and then the third one. I was very surprised to have so many 3s come out together. The 3s represent sociability and group communications as well as coming change. The only one that isn’t there is the 3 of pentacles which is usually related to group work - people collaborating and working together. 

So lets start with that 3 of cups. This card is about friendship and community and happiness. Often it depicts a group of women drinking and dancing together so it’s very much about gatherings and parties and social settings but at a deeper level its about knowing someone has your back, that you’ve got people you can trust to help you. It’s being clarified by the ace of wands (these are Friends themed playing cards and each has the name of an episode on them so i’ll include those, in case they hold significance - perhaps one of the storylines will be relevant. The ace of swords is The One Where Rachel Finds Out). The ace of swords is about breakthroughs, clarity, the truth, and having a sharp mind. It may be that someone you know will help you clarify the situation or that a breakthrough will occur at a party or other social event. This could also be saying that, when you eventually meet this person, they will become a valued friend, someone who you can trust, someone you can turn to. 

Then we have that pesky 3 of swords card again, same as in the previous part of the reading. All that heartache and pain again. This time it’s with the 4 of pentacles (The One With All The Wedding Dresses) which is about holding what you have close. In worst case scenarios the 4 of pents can reference hoarding or holding onto something for fear of losing it but at it’s highest vibration it’s about protecting what is yours. Together this could be a message of “no pain no gain”. Without going through the grief of the 3 of swords you can’t appreciate the security or conservation of the 4 of pents. This could also be a sign or warning for you or your person about not letting pain of the past manifest in overly clingy or needy displays once you are together. On the other hand it could be about turning past hurts and present worries into affection and care. In relation to your person, these cards may symbolise that they’re financially stable or prone to being careful with money. Perhaps they have been through patches of having little to live off so are careful with how they spend what they now have. 

Then we have the 3 of wands and 6 of cups. The 3 of wands is related to growth and expansion and looking ahead. It’s about preparation, getting ready for something. The 6 of cups (The One With The Proposal) id related to familiarity, happy memories and healing. Often this card comes up in relation to past life connections (if you’re into that) or people you’ve previously met. There’s momentum here. The 3 of wands suggests you’re getting ready for them, looking ahead to when you may meet and the 6 of cups suggests moving on from past pain or trauma that’s been holding you back. In relation to your person these cards suggest there could be an element of familiarity between you - perhaps you met once a few years ago or you’ve heard about them from a friend and feel as if you have an idea of them already. The 3 of wands also has a connection to travel so, again, it might be that they travel a lot or have travelled in the past or they’re someone who enjoys visiting new places and seeing new things. It could also be that they’re a joyful sort of person, perhaps a bit silly or jokey. 

And then we have the Queen of Pentcles and the 2 of cups. I think it was in one of your previous readings that you came up as the queen of pents. Certainly, if this person is the king of pents it makes sense for the queen to be you. And especially with the 2 of cups (The One With Ross’s New Girlfriend) clarifying it. As I’ve said before the 2 of cups is about connection and partnership and unity. It’s pretty much the ideal soul mate card. So, that’s a pretty great note to end this part of the reading on. 

And lastly, the oracles. I didn’t intend to pull quite so many but this is what came out so this is what we’re going with. 

First up here’s what the 3 heart shaped cards have to say: When it comes to matters of the heart, there is no right or wrong. Every choice you make expands your understanding of life and love. / Time - You are trying too hard. Give it time. / Embrace - Through each other you find the missing pieces. So there’s definitely a sense of slowing down, not rushing or trying to force something that isn’t there. But there’s also reassurance that this connection is reachable and will be deep and what you’re looking for. Soul Mate, Twin Flame, that kind of thing. 

Then we have 3 romance angels: Make The Effort - Great love is worth taking the steps you’re guided to take. / Let Your Friends Help You - Ask for and accept support from others. / Forgiving And Learning - As you release and heal the past, you experience more love in your present moments. Interestingly while the previous cards were saying to give things time, these ones seem to suggest making active moves to make it happen. I think there’s a balance required. One that you will intuitively be able to work out. Somewhere between sitting at home and waiting for him to magically appear, and going out with every guy in your town or city. If you meet someone or know someone you think could be the right person, take whatever steps you feel are right. I also think the Let Your Friends Help card is important considering how many 3s we got in the tarot cards. It may be that this connection is possible through a friend or family member who can set you up or will help you approach them. And the last one has that same healing energy we’ve seen a few times in this reading. 

You also got 2 Spellcasting oracles. Happiness and Manifestation. Both of these make sense really. They both indicate a positive outlook and happy outcomes. Manifestation can also be about patience as it’s not an instantaneous thing which ties into that Time heart card. 

And finally I got 2 Destiny cards as well - Boldness and Compassion. These could be traits that your person will show but interestingly they can be linked to the knight of wands and queen of cups from the beginning of the reading. 

[another-sonic-blog]

If you have the time, can you do a Shadamy story where Sonic is like a secret wingman? (Basically he gets Amy and Shadow together from the shadows and neither of them figure out or care about it)

A/n: Sorry for the long wait! I hope you like this! It’s kinda what you asked for but with a small twist, I believe. Thank you for the prompt!

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"So, what are you going to do?", Tails asked as he kept working on his Tornado X. 

"I don't know and honestly, I am a bit tired of it." Sonic sighed, "I don't want her to follow me anymore."

 Tails got closer to the see better the wires of his machine. He reminded himself to buy glasses next time as his eyesight wasn't getting any better.

"What if you find some else for Amy?" Tails added. 

"What?"

"Yes, like when a wire doesn't fit I just find another way where it can fit." 

"Tails, can you ever say something coherent?."

 Tails rolled his eyes as he put his tools down, he looked at Sonic who had a confused looked on his face. 

"What I mean is that maybe you should find someone that Amy might like besides you-"

"Stop Tails, I am trying to think! Wait... What if I plan out a date for Amy with someone else? That way she stops following me."

"That was what I was trying to say-"

"Yes, that might work! But who?"

 Sonic walked around Tails workshop, in deep thought.

"What about Silver? Amy and he seem to be very close, he is very caring and they enjoy each other compan-"

"Yes! I know who! Shadow!" Sonic said excitedly. 

  That was when Tails just completely stopped working and walked towards Sonic. He got in front of him, making sure he will pay attention to his words. 

"Shadow is anti-social, a bit of a jerk and definitely arrogant...do you really think he will be a good match for her?"

"They will balance each other out!"

"Sonic, love doesn't really work that way-"

"Sorry Tails, I gotta go and start my plan! Thanks for listening and for giving me your help! See ya!"

 And with that, Sonic left Tails' workshop, running to find the two love birds. 

Tails just sighed, "Hopefully it works."

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 On the heaviest part of Mystic jungle, Shadow the hedgehog moved slowly to make no sound whatsoever. He had already spotted his target, it was just a matter of time the mercenary will get out and he will be there to catch him. 

"Here agent Shadow, the militia has been spotted, permission to interfere is requested, "Shadow said through his wrist communicator, talking to his commander. 

"Permission denied" 

Alright, that's not how it usually goes. 

"I ran all the way over here for nothing? I am here, what are we waiting for-"

"HEY SHADS!"

 At that moment, Sonic showed up, happy to see the hedgehog he was looking for. 

"SHUT THE HELL UP!", Shadow said as he pushed Sonic away from the military base he was spying on. 

"Oh sorry, you are working?"

"Yes, I am, how did you find me?"

"I called G.U.N's commander, you know him and I are very good friends."

"Yes, I know and I hate that, why are you here?" Shadow said almost in an angry whisper.

"You have a new mission, you need to go. I'll get this one." Sonic handed him an envelope that contained new mission instructions. 

 Shadow understood now why his permission to enter the military's tents base was denied. 

"They don't pay me enough to deal with this," Shadow said as he angrily opened the envelope. 

"Says one of the richest hedgehogs in Mobius," Sonic said a bit sarcastic. 

 Shadow was too into reading the new mission that he didn't bother to reply to Sonic's sarcastic remark.

"I am not doing this, they can fire me if they want. I won't do it."

Sonic grabbed the letter from Shadow's hand and began to read as he said: "Come on, it's not that bad." 

"It's your girlfriend we are talking about."

"Amy is not my girlfriend!" Sonic said in a whisper trying not to cause a commotion. "You only have to find out where she hides her Chaos Emerald."

"Don't you know?" Shadow asked him.

"Amy is very secretive about her Chaos Emerald. She won't tell nobody about it." Sonic added.

Shadow gave it a thought. G.U.N. promised him a limited edition motorcycle if he completed 10 missions successfully and without complaining. This was his last one and probably will be the most difficult one. Damn, he really wants that motorcycle.

"...Fine, I'll do it." 

 Sonic wanted to laugh out loud but stopped himself from doing it, his plan was going according to plan. 

"I have a proposition to make, commander," Sonic added, "I want Shadow and a friend of mine to meet...will you support my idea?"

"I have to admit that your ideas have always been stupid, Sonic but I am curious about the result." G.U.N commander smiled at his old friend. "I am in." 

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 Shadow sat on a faraway table, watching his new subject, Amy Rose. 

'How should I approach her? I've only talked to her once"

 Shadow looked down to his coffee looking how it slowly evaporated, it was still boiling and he took a sip enjoying how it was. He loved boiling coffee.

"Be careful, you don't want your burn your tongue." 

 "OH shi-"

Shadow almost spit his coffee as he found his subject looking at him, smiling. 

"I haven't seen you in a while Shadow, how you been?"

 Shadow passed saliva as he tried to get his cool back.

"I am good, just taking a break." 

"Well, it's good to have you at my cafe." 

 "Shoot. What should I do? Just ask her if she has a Chaos Emerald? No, she won't tell me. I need to get her trust first. But how?

"Well, if you need anything, just let me know."

"Actually I do!" Shadow stood up from his seat, he couldn't let this opportunity go. 

 Amy turned around, waiting for him to continue. "Yes?"

Shadow didn't think his plan was going to go this far, he put his hands on his jacket thinking on an excuse to keep her around. He felt something in the pockets of his jacket. He pulled out two small papers. They were two tickets to go to a carnival. 

"I don't remember buying this...I got no time to think!"

"I wanted to invite you to the carnival" 

"What?"

 Shadow noticed an evident blush on Amy's face and now that he thinks about it, maybe his inquiry did sound like something else.

"Yes um..."

"Come on Shadow, think...think!"

"I was planning on going with Rouge but she made plans with Knuckles, and well, I thought that maybe we could-"

"Wait, you thought of me?"

 Shadow noticed Amy's face changed and knew that he was making progress.

"I should play the pity card more often."

"Yes, I don't really talk to anyone and I heard you are nice, so I thought that maybe we could, you know... go together?"

"Oh, Shadow, I would love too but right now I have a lot of clients and-" Amy turned around to find out that there was no one in her cafe.

"That's weird...I thought there were more clients." Amy thought.

"Nevermind, I'll go with you!"

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 And so, they arrive at the carnival, it was strange for both of them. They didn't say a word to each other. The bright lights, the overpriced smell of food, the couples, friends and families chatting and laughing.  It wasn't a place for Shadow, but it was definitely Amy's

 They tried a lot of rides, one of them was the ferry's wheel which it had strangely stopped working for 15 minutes when Shadow and Amy got to the top. 

They began to chat and for Shadow's surprise, he began to open a little bit more to the pink hedgehog. 

 After they were down again to the ground, Amy really wanted to win a goldfish but strangely kept missing her shots. Shadow then tried it, to Shadow's surprise he landed every one of his shots. He had a terrible aim but still was able to get Amy her goldfish.

Amy had to admit that she was surprised. 

Shadow was surprised as well, everything was going better than expected. He found a beautiful boutique of flowers in the trash, which to his surprise, they were orchids, Amy's favorite.

 They were walking together next to each other and Amy had suddenly tripped but Shadow was fast enough to catch her, they face too close to hers, they were captivated in each other's eyes. At that exact moment, fireworks began to explode above them. It was as if everything was planned.

 And they both couldn't care less.

Even after that, they kept meeting. 

and meeting. 

 At her cafe, at the park, at G.U.N., at her house, at his house. 

When they were together everything was perfect. 

As days began to pass by, Amy and Shadow found in their houses things that they liked. For example, Shadow found a cake recipe on his kitchen, one he had never read before and out of curiosity, he baked it. When Amy visited him, she was amazed to know that Shadow baked her favorite cake. Shadow of course just took the credit by saying "I just knew it."

Amy found some old mechanical tools in her garage, ones that she had never seen before. When Shadow went to her house for a visit, he saw them and was surprised that Amy had such tools.  They were handcrafted tools for military motorcycles only. To his knowledge, only G.U.N.'s top mechanical engineers could have them. As Amy saw Shadow's awed faced, she decided to give it to him. Shadow was more than content for his present and grateful for Amy.

 It seemed like Amy and Shadow were just made to be together.  It was as destiny wanted them together and they weren't going to deny it either, 

 A few months passed just like that. Amy had completely moved on from Sonic and had to admit that she may have a small crush on her friend, Shadow. 

And Shadow? Well, everyone knew it, everyone could see it. Everyone just knew that Shadow was head over heels in love with the pink one... He was just too stubborn to admit it. 

Today, they were going to meet at the park. 

Shadow was waiting for me, and as he was walking around the park to their meeting point, he found a beautiful boutique of red roses in the middle of his path.

He picked them up, and looked around, it was a bit strange but he decided to keep them and give them to Amy.

"THERE'S A BEE!"

 Shadow could recognize that voice anywhere. Shadow looked over the bushes and found no other than Sonic, rolling around as he got pinched by the bee. Around him were a lot of flowers, chocolates, books, food as if were planning-

"YOU BASTARD!"

Sonic stopped screaming as he felt his should leave his body as he felt Shadow's wrath coming from him. 

"Hey, Shadow! Um...what a coincidence! What are you doing here?" Sonic said as he played it cool.

"More like what are YOU doing here, you bastard?! I knew that this was too good to be true, you were trying to put Amy with me!"

Shadow got closer to him as Sonic backed away.

"Look Shadow, I can explain! Amy-"

"I don't want to hear it! Whatever your excuse is, just leave us alone!"

"Look I am just trying to help, what? Do you prefer to tell Amy that you are just seeing her because of a dare?" Sonic said defending himself.

 Shadow backed away, surprised that Sonic knew. "How do you know that?"

"I just um...' work' with your commander. He told me that the next day after the carnival day, you excitedly telling your co-workers about Amy. They were telling you that she has the fame of being my number one fan. You then said that you could make her fall in love with you and-"

"Alright stop it! I know how it goes ok? But it's not like that anymore and-"

"And what? Did you win?"

 Shadow and Sonic felt cold waves run downs their spines as they found no other than Amy, looking straight at them.

"Amy! What a coincidence! What are you doing here?" Shadow said keeping it cool.

"Nothing much, leaving two idiots behind. Goodbye." Amy walked away and Shadow tried to stop her but fell as he tripped on the many things Sonic had around.

"Wow...Amy would normally hit me and then forgive me but now... damn I need to go talk to her. I'll see you late Shadow!" Sonic ran off, not even bothering to helo Shadow pick up.

"AGGGGHHH FAKERRRRRR!!!!"

.

.

.

 That same night, Shadow went to see Amy at her house.

He had never felt like this before, he was sweating, he tapped his foot against the ground nervously. He got the courage and knocked on her door. A few seconds passed as he heard steps coming towards the door. 

 Amy opened the door,  and Shadow forgot for a moment everything that he was going to tell her...he felt intimidated. 

He took a big gulp, "Amy, you need to listen to me, look I-"

But he never finished his sentence as he found the pink touching his lips with hers.

She put her arms around him to deepen the kiss and Shadow was still too shocked to even react. 

Amy pulled away and let out a small laugh as she saw Shadow's amused reaction.

"What...What was that?" Shadow said still a bit numb about Amy kissing him. 

"Sonic told me...everything."

.

.

.

"She's Sonic's number one fan-girl! If you get to 2nd base to her, I'll applaud you."

"If you become her boyfriend, I'll give you that old motorcycle you like!"

"If you really get to be with her, I'll be your slave for a week!"

 Sonic heard their conversation from afar. Waiting still if Shadow was a good candidate for Amy. 

"It's not of my interest to play a clown for your entertainment," Shadow said as he began to walk away. 

"Such a party pooper Shadow! Well, if you don't do it, I think I might! Everyone put your bets!" One of Shadow's co-workers said to the rest of the staff and everyone began to bet.

"On the other hand," Shadow came back to the previous group. He couldn't let these bastards get near Amy and if needed to put on a facade, then so be it. "I'll do it, but nobody must interfere... Stay away from her."

 Sonic watched Shadow walking back to his office and followed him. Shadow closed the door behind him and although Sonic didn't want to intrude on his privacy, he still did it. He just needed to know Shadow's true intent. He placed himself on Shadow's door and eavesdrop on him. 

"Those idiots really think I am doing this for a stupid dare?" Shadow laughed to himself. "This will just be the perfect excuse for me...I will be able to spend time with Amy without being teased about it."

There were a few seconds of silence in which Shadow sighed. 

"I hate to admit it but...I actually like spending time with Amy...she's nice, beautiful and smell really good too and-"

 Shadow shook his head, making the thoughts go away.

"Shadow the hedgehog...just what in the world are you thinking?"

.

.

.

"I like you, Shadow"

 Amy said smiling. 

Shadow was just too overwhelmed, he never thought that his fantasies will come true. May be...just maybe, he could be happy with the pink one.

"I...I...Amy, I-"

 Shadow felt his air leave his lungs, he felt his cheeks going red, his hands began to sweat and he felt dizzy.  He loves the pink one. He loves Amy Rose.

"AAHHH!"

 Shadow left running, too shy to admit his feelings. Amy was baffled, was that why Sonic will run away from her? Because he was shy? Either or, it didn't matter. 

She was going to chase him no matter what. 

"I LIKE YOU TOOOO!"

 Amy heard Shadow scream on top of his lungs, loud enough for Amy to hear and she smiled from cheek to cheek. 

Sonic watched from afar, his work had reached his final stage. All of his hard work, had finally paid off. 

He smiled as he saw the new couple interacting with each other, in a weird romantic way. 

Amy chasing after Shadow and Shadow shily letting Amy following him around. Shadow still didn't know much about love, but he was sure he was going to learn with Amy on his side.

They were going to be just fine.

.

.

.

[campfireescapist]

Escapism in video games I play

Animal Crossing: When people think about video games and Escapism, Animal Crossing is probably the first thing to cross your mind. The same obviously goes for me, which is why it’s at the very top of the list, even when these aren’t really in a specific order. The first time I played Animal Crossing I was in first grade playing on the gamecube. My avatar I named after a friend and had accidently made it a boy, but I loved it regardless. When I was little there wasn’t a time I wasn’t playing the game or talking to the villagers. It was something that seemed natural, at times I still remember laying on my cousins large bed (she lived with us at the time) and playing while the sun illuminated the screen through the blinds. I can only look back on those times fondly, and honestly miss the carefreeness of my childhood where as I grew and my insomnia grew worse I could play until well past three in the morning. Tom Nook kept me busy, Rolf even with his gruffness never failed to make me smile, and K.K’s songs where something I watched with a floaty an oddly melancholy feeling, likely because I knew eventually the song would end and I’d have to wait another week to see that white dog again. In the real world I still scoff at the thought of community because it always seemed like everyone at school or just people in general promised their affection and support but were incredibly quick to contradict that promise, it always felt like the saying, guilty before proven innocent, and when playing Animal Crossing I didn’t feel that. Sure at times the villagers were grumpy but I never took it to heart. My gameplay always seemed to be few and far inbetween, but there was never a moment I didn’t feel absolutely despair when the villagers cried about how long I’ve been gone. It only made sense because it's hard for me to recall pure moments of happiness in my life but can recall many many times I’ve smiled widely hearing the nonsense gibberish of the villagers and asking them how their day went. Lately I’ve engrossed myself in trying to complete the fossils in the museum, a slightly tedious task but it was a task nonetheless that I know I needed with my real life constantly pummeling with a lack of purpose. The collecting, fishing, catching, and payments were all little accomplishments in themselves and they continue to be, and I hear often it’s those things that bring those with depression to the game because taking care of their village is something they actually want to do. It’s an effort in its own right and a commitment that doesn’t feel like a chore. Commitment is often a struggle on my behalf, and at times as I grew older when my life was hectic and I tried to play, that feeling of tediousness did nag me but I’ve heard before with Animal Crossing, the experience is highly affected by your mood. With the new Animal Crossing coming out, I know I’ll be playing on days when the world is too much or when my mind needs to fixate on something. The game has always been exceptionally good at being something you can play not just with your full attention, but also when you simply need something to zone out to. It’s made easy with the soft tones and minute details that make your town not just a place but a home. A home that you recount in your dreams, a home that makes you feel homesick when you’re not playing. Animal Crossing gives you an experience, an experience they were actually first to give in all of gaming. They let you build a life, a better life then you have, or just a life you wished you could live without overwhelming responsibility and harmful people. It gives you a second chance when no one else does making it the perfect and ideal game to escape to.

Minecraft: To be able to escape I believe, at least from my own experience, one must have a strong or vivid imagination. A game about building is and was something of a creative release. I play minecraft more than any other game I think I’ve ever played, not only because I could be mindless but I could begin a narrative in my head, acting it out with my character. Something I need to do often as my head always seems to need a constant stream of something, and building a life and home where I’d need not only to gather materials but fight monsters. It becomes an expected but still surprising world, where there's really no end. You can walk a thousand miles and still be finding new shapes and structures that leave you with a sense of wonderment. It’s a game that offers two different ways of playing making it ideal for whatever mood you’re in, peaceful or hardcore. There’s never a bad time to play, and there’s never a way you’re doing it wrong. The main reason minecraft calls to me though, is it’s multiplayer option and the mods. I started playing Minecraft because I first saw many people on youtube playing and I wanted those experiences for myself. I’d ended up downloading that multiplayer for minecraft app and played with so many people, one person who I’m still in contact (even when we shouldn’t but that’s a different story) but the memories where always fond. Nowadays I still play survival mode with my friend back home. I’ve just moved away and my best friend is now states away and we’ve been using Minecraft as a way to bond, and I’m grateful we did because even if I’m just looking at her avatar it still feels like we’re together. When it comes to mods, we both value the new experience and immerse ourselves further into the world we get to make together. The same feeling is also accomplished on single player. But regardless of mods or how many people are playing, Minecraft is an immersive fulfilling experience that only gets dry when you run out of creativity, or used just a little too much for the time being. It’s a game for everyone that is hard not to come back too.

Animal Jam: This is an online game I discovered on a lonely summer, with Club Penguin there was a hole of online games for people to talk with and do missions gone. Animal Jam made up for that with features and experiences that Club Penguin itself lacked. You can be a number of animals with customizable patterns, it also has a lot to offer even without a membership. You can make art and hang it in your home, add friends and talk freely. (It’s still a kids website, but currently they have a new game called Feral coming out for older audiences so you can have more adult conversations on there.) Seasonal tasks appear and role playing with other members is a common occurrence. If you want a free roam game where you can be yourself in a friendly world, that’s sponsored by Animal Planet. A special thing about this website/game though, what also makes it an easy escape is the learning features. There’s videos and facts about animals everywhere, even a live camera in the ocean you can watch! Maybe it’s just me but watching cute little geckos and fish swim are a pretty good distraction while filling your brain!

Pokemon: Pokemon is a game about bonding and trusting the bonds you make along your journey. Unlike the games I’ve listed before, Pokemon is not only a free roaming game but also Story oriented. It’s a clear path to follow that’s enthralling, everytime I play I normally beat the game in exactly twenty four hours. The characters are so finely written that you grow attached easily, as if they were real, they become your friends the same way your pokemon do. On the top of my head I can say my teams from each game I’ve played. You grow and bond, you get concerned when your pokemon takes a hit. It’s a world you wish was real with it’s magical creatures making life easier. In the real world we have pets, but in Pokemon you have a creature who will fight for you, play with you, they look to you and promise you they will hold on, will hold back tears to make you happy. I think getting to love something that grows to love you back pulls at your heart strings and makes the experience more personal than you expect. Even when the stories are over, there’s something extra, always something to do, and it’s hard to put down. It’s a journey that never ends in a world so well thought out, you know it’s home by the end of the game.

Poptropica: Another story oriented game that strays from others by being purely straight forward. You have to follow along, you have to figure out what comes next to further the story along or no progress will be made. I’ve heard and experienced, some people take longer, or have a little trouble getting into a mindset that they can flow too. Poptropica very quickly sets the tone by starting the story and urging you along, urging you to explore to find the next step, and if not the game lets you stew by basically pausing all action. The islands vary in difficulties, meaning you can choose something easy or hard depending on how long you want to be at what you’re doing, and there's multiple islands, meaning multiple stories you can find yourself living. You’ve probably played this game before and hold it in fond memories. Coming back to it may also be a welcome blast to the past, that can lead you down to hopefully good memories you can lose yourself too.

ABZU: One of the most colorful and beautiful games to ever exist. This game is story oriented and still a free roaming game, with a unique twist. Besides the stunning music, the games otherwise silent, wordless. There’s a concoction of colors and animals to swim with that paint an underwater world that puts the outerworld to shame. It’s serene and peaceful, constantly leaving you with a sense of curiosity and suspense for what’s to come next. Describing how much of an outlet this game is, is actually quite baffling, you can just as easily watch the game and feel positively blessed, but there’s no better feeling than maneuvering your character through the water and perching on a rock to meditate while flipping through the types of fish surrounding you. The visuals absolutely bewitch you, stealing your attention making it hard to look away.

Games are an amazing escape, and I’m sorry if this list is a little redundant but that’s a given. I’ll add more to the list another time, but feel free to let me know what games you escape to and why!

Also, this is just my own personal experience so it may differ from others, but if it helps or if you agree I’d be happy to talk about it.

[snowbellewells]

Face to Face in the Broad Daylight:  Chapter Four

I really can’t apologize enough for the long wait between chapters here.  There all sorts of plausible excuses, but I’ve basically just fallen behind with starting back to school and getting into the teaching routine again. Hopefully, I won’t keep you waiting on this story so long again, and that you will still enjoy what I’ve cooked up this time around...

Also, I still don’t think it quite needs an M rating, but fair warning, Emma and Killian do get up to a bit of mischief on a stakeout...

Thanks again to @branlovestowrite for the gorgeous story banner; I continue to just love it and smile every time I add it to the chapter post.  And to @cssns for inspiring so many wonderful stories and such a fun community outlet. I’m so glad it gave my little werewolf story an outlet and a reason for me to finally get down to business and commit to it the page!

~chapter four: sinister stirrings, signs of life

Gold did not allow his accomplice’s taunt to hang in the air for long; instead, speculation lit his serpentine eyes with cunning curiosity. “And just what is your price, Morgana? What is it that a powerful witch like you cannot simply conjure for yourself with ease?”

“I seek vengeance,” she bit out, tone icy cold with the fierce utterance. “For my father’s life, for my mother’s pain… and what I have lost to that ingrate King… Arthur of Camelot.” She spat the famed appellation, which most spoke in reverence, with a venom that momentarily surprised even the Dark One.

A knowing, secretive smile crept over his sharp face; no other words necessary for him to understand what drove her. He had after all seen the quest for revenge bring many a man and woman to his door, willing to take his wretched deals whatever the cost, and then meet their doom, or at least soul’s ruin. He and the would-have-been Duchess of Cornwall had much in common, and always had. Both believed the world to have slighted them, and both plotting, scheming, grasping every bit of what they felt was their due wherever they could. Perhaps she would grow a bit too desperate, and he could then be certain of the upper hand in their arrangement. He would simply watch and wait to see.

Morgana, on the other hand, was not idle, even as she finally handed the contained hat over to Gold and began to move around his shop with mild interest as he examined the token ravenously. Just as her former mentor sensed her fervent desire and impatience, the seething rage pushing her forward, she could also read his extreme confidence, his discounting of the worthy mind and abilities she had cultivated since the time he had known her well. He thought she would be easy to manipulate; powerful enough to provide the assistance he needed, but not a true threat to his own mastery of the exchange. 

He misjudged both her magical strength - and her loyalty. She had learned that no one could be trusted but herself. Though she was willing to side with him while it proved beneficial, she would not sacrifice her own goal, nor confuse a healthy respect with true devotion. Rumplestiltskin foolishly believed her indebted to him, simply because he had discovered where to summon the hat from Merlin’s safekeeping. That mattered little when she was the one who had retrieved it; she was the one he had needed to complete his task. Their purposes were not truthfully as aligned as he thought, yet she felt no qualms at playing along until it was too late for even the Dark One himself to stop her or ruin her plans. He saw her as a willing and able pawn, and she would let him do so for the time being. As long as he gave her the hat as promised when he was done, and she could increase her power, take it back to Camelot, usurp Arthur, and gain her revenge, she cared little how Gold’s plan worked out.  His power would be the first she would harness for her own devices - his and all the other Dark Ones who had come before - once the time was right.

“That seems only fair,” Rumplestiltskin spoke in his slick, indulgent tones that might fool someone who didn’t know him as well as Morgana did. Though neither fully trusted the other - nor any beyond themselves - the sorceror before her did seem near tittering with subdued malevolent glee. He really was an imp to his core, delighting in the fall of those who took might and control by vicious means, even if that downfall was not of his own making. “King Uther, Arthur’s father, did indeed wrong your family greatly.”

“I know that,” she snapped, eyes burning as they swung to his in sudden anger. “You needn’t recount the injustices! I remember them well.” Her fine, white hands clenched and unclenched, as her deceptively thin shoulders heaved. She was practically seething from every pore.

Unfazed, the Dark One stepped nearer, cradling his precious talisman in one hand as he wagged his forefinger at her teasingly. She wanted to snap the digit at its joint, but instead held her tongue stonily. “Easy there, Dearie,” Gold chided in his infuriating manner of jest. “Flying off the handle like that can lead to dangerous mistakes.”  He winked at her before turning to leave, clearly unconcerned with her alone in his shop to wreck it if the desire took her.

Morgana’s voice rang out quickly, before he could vanish in a puff of his magic, stopping him with the sort of ringing command he couldn’t ignore. “Midnight, a week from now, when the moon is at its fullest… If you wish for my help, you will bring the Sorceror’s Hat to the lakeside when the lunar orbit reaches the zenith. We will perform the ceremony, and then the hat will be mine once it has served its purpose for you. Do we have an accord?”

“Certainly, certainly,” Gold chimed, and though his tone was soft and sibilant, Morgana could hear the eagerness, the urgency for his full freedom and command of his power running beneath. She wasn’t the only one whose need for retribution had them chomping at the bit.

All that remained, she considered saying as the bell tinkled after Rumplestiltskin’s exit, was to see who would allow their quest to be their undoing. Then, without another moment’s hesitation, she vanished from the spot as well in her own column of cobalt blue smoke.

~~***~~***~~***~~

Once again nighttime darkness reigned over the quiet streets of Storybrooke. The main street, lined with storefronts, the Sheriff’s station, and the cheerily butter-yellow Town Hall, was so still and calm by 9:30 that one might think the place either deserted or inhabited entirely by senior citizens, Emma thought with a wry shake of her head and exhaled breath as she sat watching the scene before them from her usual work parking space. Apparently, fairy tale characters exiled in the “real world” adhered to a similar early bird schedule.  She was in the more roomy back seat of her Bug, not expecting to see much of anything that would require her to pull out quickly, and needing to sit somewhat turned in the seat to keep her eyes on Gold’s shop, a Thermos of hot chocolate on hand to warm her insides as the night grew more chilled, and Killian cuddled against her side assuringly, something in his lupine makeup keeping him always a few degrees warmer than the average human.

Reading her mild amusement as easily as he seemed to do with all her changes in mood and emotion, Killian leaned in to whisper against her ear, his scruffy whiskers raking deliciously across her cheek and neck. “What is it, Swan? Did I miss something humorous?”

Emma shook her head with a chuckle, swiveling a bit to look at his quirked brow and curious face more clearly. His crystalline, sea-blue eyes twinkled as if he could already anticipate her answer, and in that moment, Emma genuinely wanted nothing more than to kiss him senseless, plant little pecks all over his forehead and cheeks and chin, just for sitting there with her, for always being by her side, and for being her ridiculous, handsome, dependable companion, whatever new surprise or danger came their way. Though she managed to hold back the outburst of affection, she still couldn’t help the frisson of awareness that ran through her veins at his nearness, even while proceeding to answer his simple question. “No, nothing funny really, just thinking how there truly is no night life here. It’s not even ten o’clock, and there’s no one out on the street!”

“Aye,” Killian nodded conversationally in agreement. “You’ve a point there. Any port town in which the Jolly ever docked - regardless of how small or remote - was more lively than our little town currently.”

Both fell silent once more, eyes unavoidably drawn to the entrance of the darkened pawn shop, looking deceptively closed and shuttered,but nevertheless the reason they were sitting on the street in a stakeout and wondering whether or not they should trust the seeming peace of the night around them.  “Exactly,” she smirked at his comment, against her better judgement leaning closer as she did. She could feel that the spark always burning between them, fanned by both recent interrupted assignations, was still simmering hotly, barely banked by more pressing concerns, and knew that the right sort of look or touch might well be all that was needed to set it aflame once more. And yet, she couldn’t find it in herself to resist.

Killian reacted just as she had hoped, his response to her invitation almost immediate, hand balancing him on the seat beside her as he leaned even closer than they had already been seated, his breath warming her forehead as he exhaled and his hook tracing a purposeful path up her jean-clad thigh. “Looking for a bit more excitement, are you Darling?” he questioned devilishly, his lips and tongue pronouncing each sound and syllable of the words in a manner that left tingles racing up and down her spine. 

The intentional progress of his metal appendage swung inward to trace along her pants inseam, ever closer to the goal, and Emma swallowed hard, irrationally embarrassed that he might already feel the heat radiating from her center and how her pulse seemed to be throbbing there noticeably. It was all she could do not to start shedding layers and crawl into his lap. She could only nod eagerly for several tensely heated seconds before finally affirming breathily. “What if I am, Pirate? Are you gonna do something about it?”

Killian’s heavy, dark eyebrows practically danced across his forehead merrily, as if she’d given him a present with her challenge. The tip of his wicked tongue poked from between his full, tempting lips before tracing along the lower one as if he had just glimpsed a meal her wanted to devour. “Oh, you know I will, Emma. Don’t you even doubt it.”

In the next instant, he seemed to pounce, his warm weight pressing her back against the leather upholstery of the Bug’s rear bench seat, as that tongue swept into her mouth to lay claim. The curved edge of his hook found its goal at last, putting delicious cool pressure against her still-clothed heated core and making her moan shamelessly into his mouth in return.

“Oh...Ki - Killian!... Please…. Ummm…” she raised her hips almost unconsciously, bucking toward his questing hook, and the added stimulation of his hand, which had now managed to slip under her shirt, up her side to her heaving chest. Emma forgot all about Gold, the newcomer, and why they were outside in her car at all, between the way his hand and hook were making her feel and his lips suddenly veering from her own to wander along her jaw back to the sensitive spot behind her ear, driving her even more out of her mind. She would swear under oath that she shouldn’t be held responsible when her desperately clutching hands pulled so hard at his shirt in her haste to touch him too and hold onto something to ground herself that she heard the sound of ripping fabric over her own gasp and whimper of need.

Not in the least disturbed by wardrobe damage - he had lost count of how many shirts and pants his wolf had destroyed in transformation ages ago - Killian merely chuckled with indulgent pride at the effect he was clearly having on his usually cool and collected girlfriend. It wasn’t lost on him that Emma rarely allowed herself to let go of control so completely. Splayed before him openly, eyes half-closed in bliss, Emma was offering him the trust and vulnerability few others received from her, and it awed him all the more beyond what her beauty had already accomplished. Not wanting the swell of emotion to derail them, now that they had at last managed to preserve a long enough moment alone, he bent his head back to the task before him. He nearly lost a handful of hair when a few seconds later he caught the lobe of her ear between his teeth and bit down playfully, not expecting the force with which Emma grasped the dark strands between her fingers as she keened breathlessly.

The wicked smile that quirked his lips as he murmured into her neck, “Feeling lively enough now?” was entirely unavoidable, if he did say so himself. For a moment, he allowed his mind to gloat inwardly as her pants seemed to indicate his Swan incapable of speech from his pleasurable ministrations.

Letting down one’s guard around Emma was never wise, however, as he was soon letting out an indecently loud and tormented groan of his own satisfaction. Somehow, while he had been occupied with tracing patterns over her collarbone with teeth and tongue, she had worked a clever hand into his tight jeans and dealt him more than enough taste of his own medicine.

“Ah!  Wh- Swan…” he choked, his own head falling forward to rest on her shoulder as she squeezed and pumped delicately in the limited space she had to work with.  “Mmm, love...easy does it,” he finally managed to grind out after riding the sensation for a minute. “Much more of that and you’ll bring the night to completion before I can finish what I started.”

Reluctantly his bold lass did release him and pull back slightly, one sculpted eyebrow arched in what could only be the beguilingly feminine equivalent of the look he had given her so many times before. “Can’t have that now, can we?” she teased gently, stroking along his stomach muscles, which quivered in response to her touch and practically smirking up at him.

“Certainly not, Love. It would be poor form indeed to leave a lady such as yourself unsatisfied.” He licked his lips salaciously, but meant every word, and the way she threw back her head with a wholehearted guffaw of laughter made him certain she knew it too.

“Well then, Captain,” she purred, pulling him in once more by the charms that hung around his neck. “Let’s see you make good on your word.”

Pressing forward with a deep, almost feral sounding growl, part his own desire and part his wolf within howling to break free, he lay her back unresistingly on the seat beneath them, spread out before him like a delectable banquet feast.

When they surfaced some time later, bare and skin glistening with sweat from their enjoyable activities, they had already missed both clouds of magic and the reappearance outside the shop of their new female nemesis - the reason they had been waiting in the car in the first place. Still, even if they had been less than purposeful, as they rested together, sated and entwined in each other’s arms, neither Emma nor Killian could bring themselves to mind.

~~~**~~~**~~~**~~~

After checking in with Emma and Killian at the station - and gathering a much clearer picture of how his deputy and her beau were progressing as a couple than he had needed or wished to have - making sure they had been alerted about the strange woman he had seen at daybreak, Graham was more than anxious to see his own lady love once more. Firstly, because he longed to be at her side, to see her happy, every second of each day that it was reasonably possible; a truly jarring sensation for a man who had up until that point led a quiet, solitary life and thought himself reasonably satisfied, but a sensation he had warmed to and treasured all the same. And secondly, knowing that she carried their pup - a child conceived of their love for each other - in her womb made the normal protective urges he already struggled to manage at normal levels exponentially stronger. To think that Gold still lurked around town and must wish to win - or coerce or steal - Belle back to himself worried Graham enough on a daily basis, but the attack on Granny and this obviously magical stranger’s appearance had him all the more on edge. No, Belle might argue that she was quite alright and could take care of herself, but he intended to stick quite close by whenever his duties as Sheriff allowed, and he might just speak to David and Snow about seeing if someone could stay nearby, just in case, when he could not. He would simply bear her annoyance and exasperation with his fussing as best he could; it was much better than seeing any harm come to her.

Letting his mind return to that morning, Graham thought back on how, after sighting the cloaked woman by the lake, he had hastened back to his cabin with extra speed, shifting on the porch back into his lanky human form so as to let himself in with ease and check on Belle where he had left her sleeping. The sight of her peaceful in repose beneath the moss-green cotton sheets upon the bed, her auburn hair spread out across the pillow, and the softest little purr of a snore escaping her pretty lips, had made him loathe to wake her.

Shirtless and barefoot, clad only in the grey sweatpants he slipped on for decency once human again, he padded across the smooth hardwood floor simply watching her sleep for a few seconds longer with an adoring smile on his face. He had never seen her look so serene, stunning in her sweet fragility, her petite beauty and kind nature concealing what he knew to be a backbone of strongest steel. Still, however much he hated to rouse her from much-needed rest, she had made him promise to take her with him back into town this morning. She was not content to hide out and wait passively until all was safe. And even if it was only researching information that might help prepare the rest of them for the storm they all knew was coming, or finding any accounts which might might better inform the two of them on the little one they were awaiting, she would not settle for anything less than doing her part, in her library, surrounded and aided by her beloved books.

Perching lightly on the mattress near her hip, Graham reached out a large, calloused hand, with a gentleness he hadn’t even known he possessed (having never known a tender touch until this tiny spitfire of a woman came into his life) lifted a loose strand of hair from her velvet-soft cheek and tucked it behind her ear. As he had known it would, even such a light touch had her stirring, beginning to stretch and slowly wake.

Now that his duties for the day were mostly complete, it eased his soul to once more slip into the cool, enveloping shadows and hushed, welcoming space of the town library. He could feel the taunt hunch of his shoulders relax within seconds of entering his love’s hallowed space, at the sound of Belle’s voice farther within the stacks, directing someone he could not yet see. Perhaps one of their friends had already had the same thoughts he did and undertaken to keep her company.

Venturing on silent feet, long accustomed to moving swiftly and without sound on the forest floors and castle courtyards of their old world, Graham stepped into one of the larger conference rooms toward the back of the library, one appointed with a large study table and numerous chairs for large groups. He leaned against the doorframe there, happy just to watch and enjoy the comfort and relief of once more being in her presence and seeing her in her element.

The Hatter in their world - Jefferson, Graham believed he went by here, was the first other person he saw. He recalled with a wince that this man had also been painfully manipulated by Regina - both in the Enchanted Forest past and their small town present. He knew with the same guilt-ridden certainty that he had realized Belle could have been freed from her imprisonment sooner if he had been quicker to awaken and act, that he had probably passed Jefferson on the steps of the mayoral mansion or in the frigid labyrinths of the Town Hall, but both had been too ashamed at being ensnared or indebted, or in some way under the command of the Evil Queen, to look up and meet the other’s eyes, to see a fellow sufferer or brother-in-arms. If nothing else, he reminded himself pushing off the doorjamb and moving into the well-lit and enlivened conversation humming around him, at least now he was beginning to see just how many friends there truly were here, as well as foes. Good people who could be relied upon and were hoping for the chance to regain their lives, just as much as he and Belle were.

His adorable librarian was chatting happily with both Jefferson’s daughter Grace and Henry, who were all too content with darting back and forth from the stacks for any book Belle could think of to request - all of them trying to keep her seated and off her feet. Coming to her side eagerly, Graham leaned over to kiss her cheek, even as she turned her head upward to greet him with a welcoming grin.

“It’s good to see you,” he whispered in her ear, letting his scruff tickle along her skin slightly, making her giggle and tuck her chin toward her chest.

Still, she caught his hand and squeezed it back affectionately, holding on and pulling it down to rest his palm over her still-flat stomach.

His brow furrowed, confused, even as she beamed at him to wait and be patient. It was much to early for him to be feeling any sort of movement from their little one; Belle wasn’t even showing. He was more than a little puzzled, and a bit concerned if the truth were told, but willing to humor her, and so stilled dutifully, waiting for he knew not what.

Then, abruptly, a definite jolt jarred his large hand from where it rested against Belle’s stomach. Eyes widening almost comically as they darted up to her face, he felt as much as saw Belle suck in an excited breath as she nodded her head in enthusiastic affirmation.

“Wait, but, it can’t be… It’s too soon…” he sputtered. “Are you sure?  Should we take you to Whale?  Are you hurting at all, Darling?”

The flow of words was almost more than she had ever heard her gentle huntsman say at once, but no more than she expected. Still, she tried to implore him in her gaze and the steady pressure on his hand to calm, that she had learned some things about her particular pregnancy and she would fill him in, but she wasn’t in pain, and she wasn’t concerned or frightened - though she had known he would be, for her. Guiding his hand still, she brought it to her lips to gently kiss the back of it, hoping to soothe him. She merely wanted to share this miracle with this precious man, the depth of her joy causing tears to well in her eyes.

They were still for several grounding moments, and when she lifted her gaze to meet Graham’s once more, she saw that same welling of love and astonishment in his eyes as well.

Tagging: @cssns @kmomof4 @jennjenn615 @therooksshiningknight  @hollyethecurious @winterbaby89 @resident-of-storybrooke @teamhook @revanmeetra87 @gingerchangeling @ilovemesomekillianjones @spartanguard @whimsicallyenchantedrose @searchingwardrobes @laschatzi @darkcolinodonorgasm

[naruhearts]

OKAY SO I've just spent the best part of an hour scrolling through your blog and reading a bunch of your destiel meta and I HAD to message you... I was one of the many people who STRONGLY believed destiel had a chance of being canon after season 8 (more like season gr8 am i right), but throughout the years I slowly lost all hope. However, S14 has made me 110% invested in the show again and YOUR META IS GIVING ME HOPE FOR DESTIEL, which is TERRIFYING. Your writing is wonderful and I'm STRESSED.

Got back from Washington late last night!

Oh my gosh @alovelikecas, your message really made my day and I’m SO glad you enjoy my meta xox (even when most of my meta looks like, to me, sloppy-ass writing, haha! I’ll probably make an end-season meta post after 14x20 — if I have the time — that touches upon SPN’s current and repeating themes since Season New Beginnings S12/Dabb Era, not to mention I have, like, some more unfinished meta in my drafts >.>)

Yeah I mean, I didn’t join Destiel land until Summer 2016, and before that, I was late to the Season 11 party, so I basically had no narrative context for anything, and I’ll copy-paste what I said here: 

Looking back, one significant thing I recall? S11 gave me a sense of Destiel’s true narrative validity (as not a ‘fanon’ ship but organically developed in the canon) when I perceived it as a season that was ‘missing something’. Keep in mind I had no idea about Destiel yet while watching S11 at the time.

I was literally asking myself — repeatedly — why Dean/Amara seemed to contain odd narrative holes, considering A. Dean explicitly said that the non-consensual attraction he felt for Amara was NOT love and “it scares him”, B. Amara told Dean that ‘something stops you - keeps you from having it all’, C. Djinn!Amara stated that she can: ‘feel the love [Dean] feels, except it’s cloaked in shame,’ and D. Mildred’s iconic ‘You’re pining for someone’ —> which did not logically correlate with A and C, meaning: since Dean doesn’t freely love Amara and thus isn’t possibly pining for her — with female love interests as currently non-existent (I remember crossing off the dead/gone girls on a piece of paper lol) — who the hell was he pining for, then?

Originally posted by elizabethrobertajones

Obviously, without writing long-ass paragraphs of meta about it again in this post, S11 made sense as soon as I watched it within the Destiel context (especially after I read up on some grandiose pieces of Destiel meta (@charlie-minion was the very first person who inspired me to write meta; I followed her once I joined the fandom <3)). CAS was the missing piece. Free/Chosen Love vs Coerced/Forced Love. I pretty much choked. I was like Oh my god, here we go, holy crap this subtext – I’m invested in this godforsaken ship because they’re in love with each other and I’m not getting off any time soon. The rest is history.

I’m aware that I do come off as positive (and I’m still Destiel-positive; whatever happens in 14x20 this week may or may not change that), but I hope you don’t mind if I use your lovely ask as an additional opportunity to clarify my meta standpoint: no one’s saying Destiel WILL become text. 

The general Destiel meta community (all subfactions: Destiel-positive, -negative, -neutral, and in-between) is not the Most Holy Canon Word, and we aren’t SPN writers, and again, we can’t actually speak to the veracity of Destiel as guaranteed-gonna-go-textual, but we — a diverse pool of critical thinkers from all walks of life: particularly those who have some degree of experience in literary academia/English literature studies (fun fact: I was actually pursuing a Minor’s in English until I changed my mind - my first love’s Health Science/Biology, which I stuck with, but here I am doing lit-crit analysis on the side *wink*) — can speak to the veracity of Destiel as a real, palpable, and ever-substantial long-running romance narrative aka the love story between Dean and Cas IS THERE. I see it. We all see it. We didn’t pluck it out of the random ether one day. It naturally evolved across the show’s overarching narrative like some vast spiderweb, linked together by numerous character arc amalgamations of Dean Winchester and Castiel as separate individuals who were then brought together — who brought themselves together, by the sheer force of free will and choice — and are now inherent parts of the other’s story (and respective character progression).

I say this too many times to count: the entire point of writing meta? Personally, it enables me to appreciate the literary gorgeousness of Dean and Cas’ relationship as, first and foremost, a tentative alliance offset by the very moment Cas raised Dean from perdition (it’s a poetic beginning). Their alliance then inevitably proliferated into a rocky — at times, necessarily turbulent — friendship, then a deep profound bond…one that crossed platonic boundaries since S7/8 and is, ultimately, indelibly rooted in romance. Together, Dean and Cas build up each other’s strengths, complement each other’s flaws, and narratively motivate the other to self-introspect — to become the best version of themselves that they were always meant to be: self-actualized entities who let go of their painful, horrifying, psychologically/emotionally destitute pasts.

These above reasons and more are why I think Destiel belongs right up there on the shelf of Ye Olde Classics, similar to epics by John Milton, Shakespearian tragic dramas, Homeric characteristic cruxes, and the great Odyssey journey: a legendary journey, fraught with circumstance, that finally ended with Odysseus (now an enlightened man) returning to Penelope, the love of his life.

Channeling the scope of Homer’s Odyssey, Destiel is an incredible storytelling feat of obstacles, both internal and external, romance tropes, mirroring, foreshadowing, and visual cadence/emotion, enhancing SPN’s already character-driven main plot in that Dean and Cas try to make it back to one another; like Penelope, their love holds true despite everything. If Destiel were an M/F couple, we all know their love story would be absolutely undeniable to the GA.

I do understand the bitterness S14’s fostered in some viewers, though. I do understand that Dean and Cas seem distant (and yeah, it’s a noticeable difference compared to S12/S13), but I believe the Destiel subtext is still heavy and holds steady.

Right now, at this point, there remains multiple personal issues for the characters to solve, you know? Dean and Cas aren’t talking properly; their love languages stay mistranslated, although we’re persistently shown that they still understand each other on a certain level that no one else can, and the visual narrative keeps framing them as on-the-nose solid counterparts: a domestic-spousal romantic unit independent of Sam.

Originally posted by incatastrophicmind

They want to be there for the other. They need to quash the final remnants of their respective internal loathing (Dean’s self-worthiness, Cas’ self-expendability) before they’re able to give the other 100% of their time, efforts, attention, and love (as flawed and complicated but compellingly beautiful as it can possibly be). During the times Dean and Cas do try to talk shit out, extraneous issues continue to get between them.

As other friends/meta pals discussed with me, S14 is like S10 in that it’s confusing the cast/audiences. And exactly: S8, besides S11/S12/early S13, also belongs in the close-to-canon serious Destiel narrative transition! I can discuss the showrunning/writer problem of SBL (Singer + Bucklemming; @occamshipper hits the nail on the head) that tugs subtext – especially subtext linked to Destiel – back and forth, sometimes in the weirdest nonsensical ways, but I won’t go too far into it here. I agree, however, with the recent idea that Jensen does seem a bit confused as to where he should bring Dean emotionally this season (don’t get me wrong, I do NOT believe Dean is OOC; OOC is a completely different concept vs expected character behaviour). And if Dean’s consistently romance-coded past interactions with Cas are any indication, Jensen would also — in the same vein as all of us — want Dean and Cas to start getting their shit together. Long-running fictional characters like Dean and Cas, conceived over 10 years, are so well-written to the point where you, the author, can predict what they’ll do even if you just plop both of them inside a room and give them no direction, and I personally feel that nowadays Jensen is prevented from achieving Dean’s further internal growth/unsure how to act in the moment because of some dumb SBL scripts saying one thing while his character’s heart says another. Wank aside—

Season 15 should hopefully convey a much more logical subtextual perspective e.g. unbelievably amazingly cohesive Season Destiel 11 that aired after choppy S10. Not all hope is lost!! I also want to clarify that I personally LOVED Season 14 in general. It’s been mostly Emotion-centric constant, with Yockey, Berens, Perez, and Dabb usually making my top-rank SPN writer list.

Currently the narrative’s still allowing pretty significant (imho) wiggle room for the lovers to fracture apart and get back together, where their miscommunication comes to a dramatic head. We just saw Dean and Cas argue over Jack’s well-being in 14x18 and 19. Dean — besides putting Cas at the top of his You’re-Dead-to-Me-Because-You-Lied-but-I-Still-Love-You-Goddammit hitlist (for clear spousal-coded reasons) and taking Cas’ actions to heart (he’s the person he trusted the most who lied to him) — no doubt blamed himself for what happened, and Sam was, like I said, the mouthpiece of truth. TFW were all culpable. They all failed Jack in some way, shape, or form.

I’m not expecting anything for 14x20, but I’m nervous either way! Thanks for sticking with my long answer <3 

[rivkahstudies]

requested by @niviasthoughts - thank you for approaching me!! I hope this post can help!

The IB Program is hectic enough without having to worry about where your stuff is, when you need it, and how you’re doing. Keeping track of things is pretty much essential for success, because once you get behind it’s difficult to catch up.

I graduated in 2018 with an IB score of 37 out of 45. I started the two years organized and ended even more organized than I thought possible. It’s definitely a program that tests your limits and forces you to surpass or reinvent them.

This is gonna be a pretty long post, so I'm going to put it under the cut.

part one: starting out

It's important that, before you follow through with any of the systems I suggest/inventing your own, you check that your teacher doesn't already have a system set up. In my experience, my teachers' systems have never worked as well as ones that I have determined for myself, because they haven't spent ages and ages developing it just for MY benefit like I have. However, just as life often does to us, you may not have a choice.

Some teachers (and in my experience, the ones I like the least) have a system that they don't just suggest but enforce, and will often take off points in grades such as notebook checks if you don't use their suggested materials/system. There's no way around this, so make absolutely sure you can use your own system on a class-by-class basis to ensure you're getting the best grade you can. Those points add up.

part two: materials

You do not need anything fancy or expensive. All of my stationery is pretty affordable and there are only a couple products I use that I saved for/splurged on. You. do. not. need. fancy. stationery. to. succeed. or! be! a! real! studyblr! say it with me y'all.

I'm not even going to bother to list specific brands because it'll just discourage you from others. I'm going to be as vague as possible. For a reason. Decide for yourself what you like best.

rivkah's very basic IB shopping list

black/blue pens

(trust me, you'll need multiple. I went through a whole pack of 12 THE FIRST SEMESTER of my senior year because I was writing so much.)

a binder and loose leaf paper OR notebook, one for each class

this is entirely up to your personal preference. I prefer to have loose leaf paper because I can rearrange things as I wish (I'm so indecisive and often reorganize). I typically choose 1 inch binders and 4-8 tab dividers. It really depends on the class how I organize these dividers, but they're usually something like classwork/homework/projects/tests/etc.

a colored set of some kind of writing implement

markers, pens, highlighters, it REALLY DOESN'T MATTER as long as you have AT LEAST five colors. I prefer 7-10, because annotating history/english documents requires that you look for a lot of different things. pick whatever works best for you and figure out what your color systems are. it's best to have multiple, especially cross-subject, because your needs may differ depending on the document.

a pencil pouch/supplies organizer

again, whatever fits your preference. I like backpacks with pockets that have little built-in organizers or a pencil pouch that, likewise, has different compartments. I'm one of those people where I like to know EXACTLY where my materials are. I don't like wasting time rifling through a general pouch. if that doesn't bother you, go ahead and get one!

post-it notes

these are so versatile. annotations, reminders, misc notes, anything. I always have multiple colors and sizes on me because I use post-it notes for almost everything, including writing down ideas and reminding myself of deadlines.

planner/bullet journal

digital or paper, doesn't matter. but YOU NEED TO WRITE THINGS DOWN IN IB. don't rely on your memory, because it'll start failing you as soon as you get stressed and busy. also don't worry about spending too much money. I like my bullet journal because if I feel artsy, I can be. If I'm in a hurry, I can keep it minimal. plus I never need to worry about not having enough space to plan. whatever you pick, if it works, stick to it. don't try to have 5 planners because I guarantee you'll just confuse yourself.

misc materials like scissors, glue, white-out, tape, etc

I like to have these on hand just because you never know when you or someone else might need them.

part three: how to integrate these materials/systems

general tips

if something can be done in less than 15 minutes, do it as soon as you can--whether it's at lunch, in extra time at the end of class, or when you first get home.

if it's a large project/assignment, get something down the first day it's assigned. write up a schedule to work on it, or an outline/draft skeleton, or do a little research into what you'd be interested in covering if it's open-ended. something, anything. at the very least, if you don't make progress, it'll cement the assignment in your mind and you won't forget at easily.

do not leave readings to the last minute. they often seem small in comparison to presentations or essays, but they're important.

whenever possible, try to link projects or topics back to your interests. it makes things like the IAs or EE so much easier to write... because the only thing worse than having to write 2000 or 4000 words is having to write 2000 or 4000 words on a topic that puts you to sleep.

utilize your connections with your teachers. in most cases, they want to help and see you succeed. if you have any teachers you're close with, confide in them.

at the very least, if you can't be friendly with them, communicate with them. and suck up a little. because if you're in their good graces, they'll be more understanding when you have your 9th consecutive breakdown or run out of time and can't hand something in. And if they know you're having problems (mentally, socially, in your family, whatever) they can extend their hand to help more. even if it's just one or two teachers, it makes a difference.

set reminders in your phone/calendar for the end of the school day if you have to take a textbook home and you keep it in a locker (hopefully you do, it's bad for your back. IB is bad for your back lmao.) it'll save your life when you start on your way home, exhausted, not remembering. funny how stress makes you totally memory-less.

is a desktop and phone app that has saved my life on numerous occasions. it's more suited for college, but it's really nice because you can track your PROGRESS on assignments, not just on whether you've completed them or not.

obvious, but get sleep and eat good foods. it'll improve your concentration and memory.

it's really tempting when you walk into your room to just dump your stuff somewhere, maybe in a pile. try to make a bin/tray/spot that is specifically for "stuff to be done/sorted/taken care of" and then take care of it nightly.

I know it's often tempting to relax until dinner (at least, if you're like me) and then do your homework after dinner, but please. start your homework as soon as possible once you're home, or before then if you can. you don't have to study every second, but I know I got really tired of seeing 2:30 AM blinking back at me every night.

set your own deadlines and, for the love of all, hold yourself accountable for them.

schedule in at least a half-hour of you time, hopefully in the middle of your homework. you'll forget to have it otherwise and you'll be a zombie. I've been there.

English

stay ahead on readings. see above. if possible/time allowing, read/skim the first time and THEN go back to annotate once you understand what you're looking at. when you notice things the first time, you can start connecting the dots the second.

always know where your books are. have a specific place in your backpack/locker/desk/room. nothing's worse than losing a book you're halfway through and have a paper due.

keep detailed notes for your EA/IOP/IOC. my teacher made us do this thing called "grids" which dissected key symbols/motifs/themes to DEATH, and it was hell, but it helped a lot.

History

again, detailed notes. include not just what happened but why? what were the causes, the events, the effects, and the historical interpretations? this is a fancy little buzz word for "quotes others have on the subject." if you throw even one of these into each of your final papers during senior exams, it boosts your score. my history of the americas teacher never let us forget it. and boy, did I have it in my head by May 2018.

you don't *need* a book for your IA or History EE, but let me tell you, it's hard as hell to get a good score without one. get that deep, deep knowledge bb.

keep things in whatever order works best for you. for my purposes, I always did it chronologically, because I didn't want to jump around too much in an essay. but there's other ways to structure an essay and you need to find what your strong points are.

Spanish/French/etc language

I personally took Spanish. Got a 7 in it, too, so I know how to organize best for this class.

It's INCREDIBLY important that you stay organized in this class, particularly with vocabulary. It's up to you how you want to study and structure your notebook, but leave ample room to write words over and over and over.

You will most likely (assuming your teacher is doing their job) have readings. Devise your own color system, but I typically had three colors for Spanish readings: 1) words I don't know (and later define), 2) vocabulary we learned in class/need to memorize, if applicable, and 3) words I know/need more practice with. You can add/subtract depending on your strength and weakness in the language.

Math

The only class I kept a notebook for, not a binder.

You won't pass just by studying rules. You need to be able to apply them, too, so please keep a section of your notebook/binder for practicing problems. As many as it takes/you have time for.

Keep. All. Your. Tests. I do this for all my classes, but it is VITAL for Math that you're aware of your weaknesses. When it comes down to it, you need to study what you DON'T know, not what you know.

Science

I took Biology. My brother is currently taking Physics.

There will be math in both, just much more in Physics. Follow the rules above for Math when applicable.

Biology was so difficult for me that I rewrote my notes three times. First for studying for the upcoming test, then for the Year 1 "final" my teacher gave, then again for the IB Exams. It's incredibly time-consuming, and might not work for you like it did me. Whatever you do, organize your notes in a way that let you understand difficult concepts in a step-by-step order. IB Bio and Physics are super step-by-step and if you go out of order, you lose points.

Art

I took art, not psychology, so I'm sorry I can't help for psych. But I was basically on my own for art because my teacher was not up-to-date NOR ORGANIZED AT ALL. I had to do all the research myself for the rules before I could even start my work. And I had to do it all senior year, because she wouldn't let me start as a junior.

honestly, I could write a whole separate post just on this subject.

make sure your stuff is neat and in black pen. especially for your process portfolio, that's the only way they'll grade it. I did my Comparative Study on the computer.

TOK Presentation/TOK Essay/IAs/EE

I didn't mention this in the material list, but I was so paranoid about losing materials necessary for my History IA and EE that I literally had 2 folders, one for each of them, JUST devoted to all of the papers that were thrown at me for them.

I was instructed to keep one for my EA by my English teacher, AND I had another kept my grids (used to study for the EA) in a separate folder too.

This is completely optional, but I found it really helpful in making sure I knew where I was with all of my assignments. You could easily substitute all these folders for an accordian binder, it whatever works best for you.

Okay, I've covered all of the subjects I took and major assignments, as well as the general organizational tips. There's still so much more, but this is the bulk of what I did and what I remember. If any of you want to see anything on one of these subjects specifically, please reach out to me! And as always: IB is scary and confusing, as well as incredibly fast-paced, but it isn't impossible and you're not alone. My messages and inbox are always open if you need anything.

[too-spicy-and-too-queer]

Discovering the aromantic identity at a later age

I’ve noticed that a lot of queer people say tumblr is not a great place for queer people with less visible identities.  But the aromantic community here is the only thriving queer community I’ve ever found that accepted me unconditionally.  I’ve been thinking about this, and I want to talk about it some, as an aro that is a good bit older than most the tumblr community.

Connecting with people with similar queer identities to me as a teen in the 90s was a nearly impossible task.  Nobody at the queer youth group at my high school had ever heard of someone like me.  The internet was still in its infancy when I was a teen.  Social media didn’t exist and online queer communities were very tiny.  There was no place for me to go to find people like me.  The labels “nonbinary” and “aromantic” didn’t even exist yet, much less all the terminology and models that are used in these communities today.  The lack of peers, role models, or even language to describe my experience had a profoundly damaging effect on me, which you can read more about in an earlier post.  I never met anyone going through the same things I am, or someone older who already had been through it, until I was already in my 30s.  And even now, the LGBT centers where I live are pretty bad about recognizing the needs of the more marginalized queer demographics.  So internet communities, especially tumblr and chat rooms, are where I get almost all of my support.

I internalized the fact that I was the only person like me, which you can read more about in my last post.  It made sense at the time to extrapolate that if I had never met anyone like me well into adulthood, then I must be the only one.  This kind of brutal, crushing isolation is hard to describe to anyone who hasn’t experienced it.  I spent most of my 20s in deep denial about all this, to the point that I convinced myself that some of my own feelings and experiences were not real.  I was basically gaslighting myself when it came to being queer, when my partners weren’t already invalidating me.  I’ve been out for a few years now as nonbinary and aromantic, and I’m still struggling to uncover all the toxic thought and behavior patterns I built earlier in my life.

Probably the most confusing part of living a closeted life was dating.  I’m relatively romance-positive.  I enjoy things like kissing and cuddling and being very sweet and affectionate.  I experience sexual attraction.  The hardest part of all this for me was that I saw little to no difference between my feelings for my closest friends and my feelings for my partners.  I love my friends the same way I love my partners, so why not speak sweetly to them and act affectionately?  Why not kiss or have sex if we both consent?  I was always stumbling over boundaries and social expectations in this regard that I could not see, and accidentally offending or alienating people I cared about.  While I understood that friendships and romantic relationships were very different, and I could even describe many of those differences in detail, I could not see any distinction in my own feelings and inner experiences.  This disconnect between my inner and outer experiences was jarring and bewildering.  I also did not understand repulsion at all.  When I felt repulsed, I blamed my partner.  Surely, I thought, they must have done something wrong if I feel so hurt or disgusted.  This assumption is one of the greatest mistakes I have ever made.

I did not have the emotional or linguistic tools to process and communicate the experience of repulsion, so I did not learn a healthy way to deal with it until very recently.  I still panic or lash out when I feel repulsed because I’m still trying to unlearn my previous behaviors.  This problem can be extended to nearly everything about being queer for me.  While I did develop good general interpersonal communication skills at an early age, I still could not communicate about my own queer experiences for a long time, partly because I didn’t have words to describe them, and partly because I didn’t believe they were real in the first place.  The struggle is tremendous.  Because I had so many experiences of being invalidated by multiple partners, I have a hard time trusting that someone new won’t do the same thing.

The progress I’ve made in the past year, thanks to the support and validation I get from the tumblr aromantic community, is difficult to overstate.  Finding the aromantic community here has literally been a life-changing experience for me.  I’m processing through decades of accumulated pain and repression at a rate I didn’t think was possible.  I know I still have unforeseen hard times ahead, but honestly I had lost hope that I could even get to the point where I am now.

So to you youngins, I want to be the supportive and validating adult for you that I never had.  Hopefully you won’t need to go through the traumatic decade of isolation and repression as an adult that I did.  Seeing you have the hope that I didn’t at your age gives me hope now.

To those of you closer to my age, there’s a place for us in this community.  I know that feeling alone for so long makes it hard to think beyond the solitary lives we’ve been forced into, that we’re used to feeling disconnected and unwelcome.  But this community is growing, and we have a chance to escape into wide open acceptance, to connect, to belong, to heal.  We can be a part of that for each other.

[deargoditsgrace]

11.1.18

LIFE UPDATE TIME.

I read glimpses of the things I wrote in the past year and they make me smile. I’m really glad I’ve been recording my thoughts for so long.. I think it’s been a couple of years now. And even though it’s not super often, I feel like I’m raw in a sense that when i read back on it, those emotions come back. It’s different typing it out and writing it out in a journal, and even though I like to do both, I feel like when I type it out on Tumblr, it’s very clear how I’m feeling. I don’t write fluff because my hands are typing as i’m thinking. Anyway, I guess what i’m trying to say is that i’m grateful for these writings and I hope Tumblr doesn’t shut down anytime soon cause then all my writing will be gone. But you know what they say, once its out there in cyberspace you can’t get rid of it. 

It’s November already. HOLY FREAKING SMOKES. I’m done with college, I live in Arlington, I have a job, I have a church, I (kinda) have a community, I have friends, and I have Andrew. wow. Those are 6 things I didn’t have this time last year, so I guess i better be grateful for this year.... My life has turned upside down, but not in a way where i feel lost.. i mean i still do sometimes, but it wasn’t anything traumatic, it was like I grew into these things...hmm.  I work for Star Restaurant Group as Manager, Finance and Administration which basically means, I do everything and anything. My job is basically to make everyone’s jobs a little bit easier. and so far, I’m learning a lot. but I also feel like I’m not learning as much as I could. I love my boss but sometimes I feel like he asks for things I don’t know how to do, and won’t explain how to do it, but expects me to do it all. I don’t mind the challenge, but it’s also frustrating at times because everything is so disorganized. But, I still love it and I do feel like i’m a part of something bigger when I look at it from a more removed standpoint, but I definitely don’t see myself staying here forever. I’d love to move up in the ranks, but there’s very little for me to climb because its me then my boss who owns the company. But everything did work out so far, so I’m trusting that it’ll continue to keep working out. 

Early this year, into the summer, and also into the fall, I was really struggling with church and finding a community. It was especially hard because I felt like I had such a strong community in Jersey at CGS, that it was even harder to let go of what I had. I vividly remember just being so upset and discontent with the way things were going at CCPC and complaining to Andrew about it. But I feel like slowly i’m starting to see progress in my relationships with people through CG and women’s ministry and I’m really happy about it. Andrew is trying really hard to get our CG close and I think, for the most part it is working. The people itself, are really chill and an easy going group that it hasn’t been hard to build relationships, but it was actually women’s ministry that really made me feel connected and a part of a bigger community. I’ve been loving the discussions with all the ladies, sharing our stories through food and prayer and i feel like it’s been such a big help in having all of us let go and be vulnerable. I also really enjoy the 1-1 time i’ve been getting with esther through the carpools because it’s such a long ride, its easy to have pretty deep discussions. I don’t know how it’ll be different in the future weeks, but I really hope this gives me the drive to serve my church and be an active part of my community.. i also really hope to grow in my faith, through the spiritual guidance of the older ladies ... so make sure i’m praying for that.

In terms of Andrew, we’re doing solid. I think we’ve gotten into the motion of everything.. we aren’t on top of each other like we used to be earlier in our relationship where I was feeling like I was cheating my friends out of their time. I’m spending more time with Addie and Max, and maybe a couple other people,  but there are times where I do miss the intimate times I had with Andrew. But I also know he needs his “me” time of making dinner, playing games with his friends, and just relaxation after a long day at work. So i’m okay with it. Plus I think it’s healthy. But I remember when I would be in the bathroom really nervous about things to say, and all of that, but I definitely don’t feel that anymore. I feel like in a way, we talk about everything and hopefully share everything with one another. I think communication for both of us is key, and we’ve been working really hard to make that a priority. I decided to foster a dog, named Luna, and the first week was really really tough. She was biting and just not behaving, plus she needed a lot of exercise and it seemed like all she did was poop and pee. But having her for the second week now, I’m almost sad to see her go. I’ve thought about adopting her over and over again today and I really wish I had the means to do it aka a house with a fenced yard where she can poop and pee freely without walking down 4 flights of stairs. But it’s been really nice just having this time with her, and even though she’s my foster, Andrew has offered to walk her when I was too tired, or even when I couldn’t be home in time. It’s like letting go of a child now.. I hope it’s not too hard. But anyway, I do appreciate Andrew so much. I just hope we can grow in our faith together.. one day at a time.. cause at church Pastor Owen is preaching a marriage series, and it’s hard not to apply everything he says with our relationship. We might not be married yet, but I feel like we’re taking the steps to getting there, and if and when we get there, I would hope he’d be in a place to lead me rather than me trying to talk to him about it. I know he doesn’t get it yet, but I really pray the day comes when it does click for him and he does become “jesus crazy” like the rest of us. Because little does he know, that even though he thinks we’re not because we’re chill, I know i’m jesus crazy, and very proud to be it. 

[ghostmartyr]

SnK 102 Thoughts

Any of you ever watch Imagine Me & You?

In it, some small child whose name I can’t remember asks what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. The answer given by one of the romantic leads whose name I remember slightly better but am pretending not to is that they can’t both exist.

Taking all bets, folks.

First thing’s first, and oh my gosh, it actually comes first in the chapter! What witchcraft is this!

That’s way more visually appealing in the manga, but. ...I mean, looking at it, all of my reasons seem very silly, because that is horrible and I could probably be spending this time making it better, but I’m not going to, so now we’re all sad.

It’s a metaphor.

(it wasn’t supposed to be)

Anyway, the in-universe confirmation that wow, this is all a bit much, are you sure any of this was a good idea? is greatly appreciated. Expected, on some level, but when the story starts going dark places, it’s easy to distrust the motivation. So I remain a mostly unhappy camper at this getaway, but canon taking a moment to pause and wonder why someone thought this was a good plan is nice.

I’m going to get lost in questions and character stuff very quickly, so for the sake of making sense of what is going on in The Plan, bullet points are my new friends.

Jaws and Cartman are were contained

Scouts are closing off the streets and killing enemy combatants

Civilian casualties are considered un-ideal--officially

Lamps are being positioned on high buildings

The plan is contingent on disabling the War Hammer Titan ‘in time’

Eren nomming the War Hammer is in his book as a Good End

Survival is emphasized over everything else

My guess is that no one wanted this (whatever it is) to turn into a Titan brawl. If everything had gone according to plan and stayed that way, Pieck and Galliard would be imprisoned, no Marlyean soldiers would be left alive within the internment zone, and the War Hammer and an impressive number of prominent government officials would be dead.

Currently, the Panzer Unit is live, Galliard’s running about, War Hammer is not contained, and the Beast Titan is here.

The Beast Titan would have appeared either way (like the lamps, which have me wondering if Armin is showing up), because no steps were taken to contain him. Both sides have been counting on the Beast Titan to be available in the coming something or other.

Zeke has been kept in the shadows as far as a lot of his feelings on things. He disdains war and copes by treating it as a game, and he loves his family. The inner workings of all of that isn’t readily available, making him a potential wildcard. Since Eren’s taken up baseball, the thought of something being up with him has been a topic of active discussion.

If things went as planned, the Survey Corps + Eren would have unfettered access to Zeke. Titan holder, primary instrument of the most vile Marley offenses, and someone with royal blood. Only two people alive can say that last one, and one of them is presumably still an ally to her military.

Confronting Zeke is a reasonable plan in most every category you could ask for. Wanting to face him in isolation makes perfect sense, and you can’t say that about many of the known quantities here. My questions are if what he knew what he would be walking into, if Eren wants something different from what the Scouts want out of him, and if Zeke’s commitment to Marley’s side is as plain as it looks.

Since the Yeager boys have been so hush hush about what they’re up to lately, I’m not very interested in speculating (Zeke’s face has Isayama lines, but to be fair, a lot of people just died, and he does dislike war), but I am looking forward to the answers.

...Well, I say that. However

If nothing comes of Galliard trusting Zeke’s presence to be a good thing while his frame emphasizes light next to Pieck’s silent shadow... I will be disappointed. If anyone’s keeping score, Eren’s frame is more of a midtone shadow. I believe Pieck’s is darker, but that could be an optical illusion since her frame is descending into darker tones, and Eren’s lighting is evenly dispersed within his frame.

And since there’s only three panels left on the page, the other people having flashlights on their faces are Magath and his surviving troops and Gabi.

Symbolism.

Or not, but I’d like it to be.

Let’s move on to angry children, also known as Gabi and Floch. With Gabi first because oh hell, kid. Kid. Her friends are dead. People she saw every single day on her way to achieving her greatest pride are dead. There’s no rhyme or reason to it that she understands, or even maybe could understand, given what Marley’s done to her, she’s still alive, and she’s angry.

We’ve seen that anger in the exact person it’s aimed at. Hopefully Gabi learns a thing or two from it, preferably without getting killed in the process. Her cousin’s still MIA (Reiner is either having a horrific mental breakdown, going to go full Warrior mode and make everyone’s awkward planning more awkward by exploding out of the ground, or unconscious, and all of these choices make me feel really bad for Falco--who is a character who can still have a worst day of his life instead of stopping to debate which one was truly worst), and...

Gabi may have no problem committing war crimes to win a fight, but she’s a child who wants to be a Warrior so she can help her cousin. She’s not innocent in the usual sense that children are, but she is a child, and she has a very soft heart.

Sasha spares her life, but Gabi’s living a nightmare, and the devils of Paradis brought it to her.

-rewards Sasha a “You Tried” star-

Our other angry child should know better, but even though it hasn’t been explicitly stated, it’s basically been established that therapy does not exist in this world. Floch is where he was four years ago. He’s upset at the injustices he’s suffered, and willing to lash out at anything connected to what’s responsible.

Jean’s best feature as a leader has always been understanding people’s weakness. But I think with Floch, he’s found something of a barrier to communication. We’ve seen Jean try to talk to him before, and if their interaction here is anything to go by, he hasn’t stopped. Except as much as Jean knows about personal weakness, hate isn’t something I think he gets.

Arguably, it’s because he knows so much about personal weakness that his feelings don’t fester into something dangerous (Connie has a similar moment when he says he understands why someone would kill Sawney and Bean).

Jean sees the big picture. He knows there are more victims than just them here.

Floch sees his personal pain, and bleeds all over everyone. He’s destroying a zone full of people who have been more warped and abused than he has any empathy for, and feels he’s in the right because look at what they’ve done to us.

And look at what their side has done to someone like Gabi.

I don’t think the two situations are the same, thanks to Marley’s copious awfulness getting into every potential interaction both sides of Eldians can have, but the emotional response is easy to see:

These people did a horrible thing.

They should be punished.

Only the root cause of everything goes so much deeper than all of that, and it’s not something that can be fixed by lopping off flowers. Gabi is like. twelve, and her emotional trauma just happened. Floch is like. twelve, and he was getting by just fine before the mess he survived four years ago.

And it is painfully obvious how much that specific event has trained Floch’s thinking. He wants Erwin to survive the Serum Bowl because Erwin is the devil humanity needs to break them free of their cage.

He’s grown up since then. Humanity doesn’t need Erwin to be their devil. Humanity just needs a devil.

Look. Eren?

Floch_is_agreeing_with_things_you_did.

Mikasa is not.

Regardless of what this plan is, you have made your mistakes and they are many, and the first statement does keep in mind that those mistakes might very well be the whole point but come on.

This chapter is hard to read, and I really wanted to open this post saying thank you for Mikasa Ackerman’s existence, because I don’t think I have ever been more grateful to see her.

I haven’t bothered obfuscating how much I loathe Marley. I think their conduct is evil, and the world would be better off if they got wiped off the map. All those angry child feels from above are actively present when I consider what they’ve done with their nation.

One of the recurring... is it a theme? It feels like a theme, but it’s also sort of just a random thing I’m pointing out, and the language I want to use implies things about the story that I’m not sure is really an objective. In any case, something we see over and over again in this series is that monsters are human.

Gabi watches a whole squad of soldiers get demolished. Among them is a man who watches the gate she passes in order to train to be a Warrior. He treats her as a child more than an Eldian, and knows enough about each individual Warrior candidate ask about their progress and laugh about Falco’s crush.

He’s a human being.

The children he’s being friendly with have been coerced into indentured servitude and live in internment camps that are under constant watch, where leaving is punishable by--well, people like him. He’s a cog in an abhorrent machine. One small piece that helps keep it running.

Humans do evil things. You could probably have a lot of fun arguing that a human’s capacity for evil is part of what makes them human. Evil monsters aren’t always creatures beyond understanding or sympathy. Sometimes they’re just people who take the easy path that someone else burned down a forest to make.

You could also argue that part of what makes a human human is their capacity for goodness in the midst of evil. The guard spends the last moments of his life trying to keep a little girl safe.

I don’t like Marley, but I like seeing the sparks of decency in people start a flame. You want to believe that if people can be good to each other even when they’re covered in muck and sin, that goodness deserves a chance to make it out alive and flourish. You want to think that if everyone could just be convinced to be their best self, the world would be okay.

A lot of sparks are snuffed out during this attack.

Marley getting wiped off the map without devastation and heartbreak is a nice pipe dream, and I might still daydream about it or hand-wave things in fics, but regardless of my personal angry child feelings, there’s too much death here to feel good about any of this.

So I really, really appreciate that Mikasa Ackerman exists. She’s here for Eren, and she’s actively participating in this operation, but you can see her heart breaking at what’s been done. People are dead. Civilian people. Children. This is something that’s happened, and there’s no fixing it. There’s only pain at the result.

Mikasa is the stoic badass. But all she’s ever wanted is for her family to be at home with her. However she counts them, they’re what’s nearest and dearest to her heart. She has extraordinary combat skills, and if she could go the rest of her life without needing them, she would be happier.

Someone suggested that one of the Scouts present could be the little girl that Mikasa saves in Trost. I have no idea if that will pan out or not, but I love the idea.

The anime’s handling of Mikasa deciding to live during Trost is what hooked me in this series, but the moment with that little girl is one of my favorites for her. She charges in, kills a titan, threatens a dude, and leaves. Perfect hero is perfect even with only that, but the little girl and her mother, instead of running to evacuate now that they can, stop and thank her. And Mikasa turns back and salutes them.

Their salute in this world is meant to represent offering up their hearts to humanity. Mikasa has select few people she loves beyond all else, but whenever she steps in to fight, she does so wanting people to be safe. She feels her responsibility towards her comrades more keenly and openly than many of the characters we’re familiar with.

Mikasa’s line about the world being cruel, yet beautiful, is one of the more memorable ones in the series. As a theme, it’s marvelous, but as something that comes out of a character’s head, it’s... very gentle and touching. The world is cruel, but while it’s being cruel, there’s still warmth. Even from people who are now gone.

Mikasa is a kind person who gives small children her time and nearly cries at her friend’s joy when he finally gets to play in the ocean. She’s known terrible cruelty at the world’s hands, but she also loves the world’s beauty. It isn’t an empty acknowledgment. She sees it, and she feels it, and she fights for it.

What Eren just did is... abominable. She loves him, but... hell, every beautiful panel of Mikasa and Eren before the War Hammer gets back up is a testament to how much pain he’s caused, and how much heartbreak is involved.

Mikasa is compassionate, and this arc... really needs that.

Even if now I’m wondering if “Too Little, Too Late,” is referring to her instead of one of the larger sides. That title really works for anything you want to stick it to, since the phrase is basically shorthand for “everything’s fucked.”

This series has gotten painful in ways I didn’t exactly need it to.

Monthly serials hurt.

[schizophelia]

September 10th, 2018: Journal

Today has been a busy day.

This morning at 9:30am I had an appointment with my SAS advisor regarding my accommodations for University. We talked about my experiences and what supports I’d require throughout my time at University. She said she was glad that I had went to Student Health Services last week and that I am in therapy. However, she did say it was imperative that I see a psychiatrist as soon as possible because she wanted me to get the help I need before things progressively get worse. She said she would call Student Health Services to see where I am on the list to see a psychiatrist at the University. She said, like Dr. N (that I met with last week), she will try to get me to see a psychiatrist sooner. She had me sign a consent form to give SAS permission to communicate with Student Health and to my therapist. My SAS advisor thinks I should drop a class this semester because 5 classes is a lot “for someone to handle when things aren’t going so well.” She said that there is a form that if I decide to drop down to 4 courses this semester, the University won’t charge me for 5 (because she said that if someone is only taking 4 courses, the University generally charges them for 5). However, she said that because of my accommodations and the nature of my disability, the University would only charge me for 4 courses because I signed a specific form. We talked about my accommodations for classes. She said that if I need, I can receive notes from a VNT (volunteer note-taker) for my classes because she knows that I have a hard time focusing and concentrating in lectures. She said she will also give me time and a half on my exams. So if my exams were two hours, I could get 3 hours. We also talked about writing in the exam center instead of in the giant lecture halls. She said that if I needed, I could write in a smaller room of 20 people writing exams instead of a room of 600 people. We didn’t get a chance to talk about everything because we only had an hour, but we have an appointment next Wednesday at 10am.

Today I also met with my therapist for our 2nd session. Today we talked about my family and if they were supportive. I told her, they weren’t really. I also talked about the government and my lack of trust revolving most people. I mentioned the prophecy and The Collision in more detail. She asked me if I felt lonely because I don’t have many friends or anything. I told her, I’m lonely because I’m different and powerful. She wondered if it would be helpful for me to meet other people like me. She thought it might be helpful to meet people that go through similar things. It made it sound like she wanted me to go to a support group or something. I’ve never really been to a support group before. I know there are support groups on campus. However, most of these groups are for depression, ADHD, social anxiety (social phobia), disordered eating, etc. I’m not going to a depression support group because I’m not depressed anymore. She asked me if things got worse whenever I was stressed or depressed. I said I wasn’t stressed or depressed. She said that was fair. Just like my SAS advisor, I signed a consent form allowing my therapist to communicate with SAS (Student Accessibility Services) and Student Health Services. I meet with my therapist next Monday at 11am.

In addition to SAS and Counselling Services, I am also participating in the START program. Basically this program is where you meet with an upper-year student and they can help you adjust to University life. My START facilitator is a 3rd year History student, I think. Her name is Gillian. I meet with her next Monday at 12:45pm in the UC. She actually called me on my way to my ENGL*1200 class. She had emailed me a couple days ago, but I didn’t have time to reply to her so she called me to make sure I had gotten her email. I don’t exactly know what I’m going to talk to her about, but maybe she can provide some insight on how to survive my first year of University.

Today I had 3 classes: ENGL*1200, PSYC*1500, and SOC*1100. I’m going to be really busy over the next little while with all my classes an appointments. My SOC*1100 Prof is amazing. She swore a lot during our class today and said some really inspiring things. She said that we are all in University because we deserve to be there. She said that there are many people that apply to this school and didn’t get accepted, but we did, and we should all be proud of ourselves for that. It made me feel better. She said she didn’t start University until she was older (I think she said about the age of 28). She was just really great. I think I will enjoy her class. Also, the class isn’t supposed to end until 9:50pm on Monday nights, but she said she will try to end our lectures around 9pm-9:15pm. Today’s class ended just after 8pm I think. 

I have ANTH*1150 course readings and one of my housemates has friends over and I can’t concentrate on the readings or take notes on the readings. Hopefully tomorrow morning is better so I can get some work done. I still have to finish my PSYC*1000 readings for my lecture tomorrow. I also have my ANTH*1150 lecture tomorrow and because I missed last week’s class (due to switching classes at a different date), I have to read 60 pages or so by tomorrow’s class so I know what the Prof is talking about. Ugh. Kill me now. -_- 

Fortunately for me, I have no seminar for my PSYC*1500 class this Wednesday so I can work on other stuff that needs focusing on (mostly my readings!). However, I do have my ENGL*1200 class on Wednesday at 4:30pm. But the class is literally 50 minutes long so then I am free for the night. I will be spending most of this weekend catching up the stuff I missed and trying to get some of my assignments done early as well. I don’t think I am going home this weekend so it’ll give me plenty of time to study and get things done. :)

The voices have been getting worse. They are nearly constant and are impacting my sleep.It’s really hard to fall asleep. My focus is so bad during lectures because I’ll hear people talking to me and whispering about me. Sometimes I’ll see things running around in the room, or see persons that may or may not be a member of the class. It gets really distracting. My memory is quite bad as well. Things have to be written down in order for me to remember. Sometimes I question whether or not I’ve taken my medication, but then realize I must have because there’s a weird taste in my mouth. Also because the pill bottles have been moved from their original position. I really hope I see a psychiatrist soon. I have SHS (student health services), SAS (student accessibility services), and SCS (student counselling services) trying to get me to see a psychiatrist sooner rather than later. Each of these groups of people think I would benefit from more medication. Hopefully I hear back from a psychiatrist soon. It seems like these people working for the University really want me to get seen, and soon. My SAS advisor was concerned about my current level of functioning. As I said before, she thought I should drop down to 4 courses, instead of taking the full-course load of 5. But if I do that, I might have to take an extra year to complete my Bachelor’s degree. I want to graduate with my peers, not take an extra year for my studies. But if I can’t handle 5 courses, I might consider dropping one of them. I’ll have to see. My SAS advisor said my health is more important than taking that 5th class.

Anyway, that’s mostly it for my journal. I’m sorry it was kind of long, I just had a lot to talk about.

Appointments/Meetings:

Therapist: Monday, September 17th at 11am

START Facilitator: Monday, September 17th at 12:45pm

SAS Advisor: Wednesday, September 19th at 10am

Meds:

Fetzima 120mg

Seroquel XR 200mg

[heartbreakcity]

Detention (Peter Parker Imagine)

Paring: Peter Parker x (f)Reader

Word Count: 1k+

Warnings: Swearing

Plot: When they’re both given detention, Y/N and Peter learn a lot about each other. 

“Peter, we need to concentrate!” You muttered to him under your breath.

“But just think about it! How amazing would it be if Rey was actually Luke Skywalkers daughter!” He giggled excitedly. 

You tried to block him out by continuing the experiment and making notes in your extremely organised book. Chemistry was your favourite subject, so when you started the year you were beyond excited to begin the lessons - until you got paired with Peter Parker.

It’s not that you weren’t friends, you were as close as anything, but Peter was rather…talkative. In fact, he didn’t stop talking. Ever. As the terms progressed, you grew closer as friends, and eventually you became “besties” (a term Peter liked to use much more than you, but you went along with the child for his sake). The friendship was great, it was everything you could ask for…except you were maybe kinda stupidly in love with him. Nobody knew of course, the secret was yours and yours alone; but you were surprised people couldn’t see it from the way you melted when he looked into your eyes. Or smiled at you. Or laughed at your jokes. 

Or basically did anything a normal human being would do.

 Which made it rather difficult for you when he would never shut up about Liz and how “majestic”she looked. You wanted to tell him how you felt, it was killing you inside. But deep down, you knew if you spilled your guts out, it would ruin the connection of friendship you already have, and that’s not something you were risking to lose.

So, your moth remained shut.

Unlike Peters about Star Wars when you were supposed to be working on your project in silence.

“Can you just think of how cool the Jedi father-daughter talks would be? It would go like “dad, I want to date that stormtrooper” and “no Rey, you can’t” and “but daddyyy”” Peter whined on to himself, putting on stupid different voices for each character.  

You had to stifle back a laugh at his pathetic attempts to distract you from your work, and you playfully pushed him on the arm so he would finally get the hint.

“I personally take offence to that abuse Y/N Y/L/N!” Peter scoffed, bringing his hand to his mouth in fake-shock and brandished his hurt-puppy-dog eyes at you, to make you feel some remorse for the poor boy.

“I swear to god Pete if you don’t sh-”

“PETER PARKER AND Y/N Y/L/N DETENTION! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU TWO TALKING, AND IF YOU TRY ONE MORE TIME IS A ‘F’ FOR THE REST OF THE SEMESTER!”The teacher screamed at you from the front of the class, making all heads turn your way.

You felt your cheeks flush and shot Peter a death stare that could murder, only to meet his eyes that gave a certain look of “I’m sorry”. But you brushed them away and ignored his eyes, trying to focus yet again on the project that was half-finished and was starting to look a little sad.

The buzzer sounded quicker than you thought, and you started to pack away your belongings until a dreaded though dawned on your mind; you still had detention to deal with. You slumped back in your desk and gave a wry smile to your friend who was leaving for the day, and you felt a warm hand on your arm.

Turning your head so you could face the suspect, Peter smiled at you hopefully, only to be met with a huff or boredom, and the detention was still yet to start.

“My parents are going to murder me for this Peter Parker,” you told him annoyed. He shrugged his shoulders with a “devil-may-care” look on his face.

“At least we get to spend a precious hour and half in each other’s company,” he touched his heart, and started to act all choked up at the thought of you two being alone.

Little did he know, so were you.

“Right you two,”Sir announced from the front of the class, “this is an hour-long detention. There will be no phones, no communication and no leaving. I have a meeting to attend, so the small amount of trust I have for you had better pay off. If I catch you breaking an of the rules,” His eyes glared at Peter who acted hurt, “there will be consequences.”

And after his little lecture, he sauntered off and slammed the door behind him, obviously feeling satisfied he had frightened two poor children.

“Yes, your majesty,” you mocked, pretending to bow down.

“He probably has super hearing you know,” Peter justified, pulling his phone from his back pocket and starting to play Candy Crush.

You looked at Peter with raised eyebrows, “seriously?”

“What? This game is highly addicting,” he defended himself. 

“You are honestly the biggest dork I know Peter Parker.”

He turned to look at you, and you almost melted in the gaze of his brown eyes.

“But I’m your dork.”

You felt your heart flutter, but you tried to push it aside. He only meant it as a friend, a best friend. Obviously, nothing was going to happen, he was just messing about. And here you were, once again, overthinking every minor detail of yet another situation. Suddenly, you felt a surge of anger rise through your bones.

“Right, of course you are Peter,”you started, unable to control yourself.

He looked up from his game.

“A friend. That’s all I will ever be to you, but the funny thing is, that I love you so much differently!” You blurted without a second to realize the words.

Peter just stared at you with adoring eyes.

“I was too scared to say it.”

You looked up from your lap with a puzzled expression and meet Peters grin and excited eyes.

“I have loved you from the moment we met.”