#hopefully without triggering another episode

[lupismaris]

We survived the memorial and the rugger banquet more or less in one piece (though I can feel the impending crash out on the horizon our time grows short) we have such little time to get this fireplace working and the living room livable again and not, ideally, pull another manic all nighter

[totallyxtaurus]

Depollute me, gentle angel pt.2

Summary: Sylus is away on a business trip while you sink deeper into your depressive episode. Pairing: Sylus x gn reader Genre: Angst, some fluff (maybe, hopefully!) Trigger Warnings: depression, mental health struggles, anxiety, self-neglect, and hints of suicide. A/N: I hope this doesn't feel too rushed! I'm still trying to figure out a good pacing of how I should break these up without them being too long or too short. Posted too quickly or not quick enough, so any advice would be very welcomed and appreciated! I hope I did Sylus justice with his responses, I just took what I would want to hear essentially. But, Hozier's Wasteland, Baby! album is so Sylus coded. I got so many ideas for other fics, so stay tuned! And again, please please please take sweet care of yourselves! 💗

Prev

The chime echoes through the apartment, and for a moment there’s nothing. No footsteps, no shuffle of movement inside. Sylus exhales, fingers softly tapping on the doorframe while he waits. He already knows. He had known the moment communication stopped, when his calls went to voicemail, when even the short, tired texts faded into silence. At first, he assumed you were just busy, needing space. But the longer he waited, the clearer it became—if it were up to you, you wouldn’t come back at all. He began doing his own investigation, looking up the traits you portrayed usually compared to these moments of time and he found his answer. So, he started paying attention. Comparing your usual habits to these stretches of absence. Watching for the patterns. Having Mephisto follow you to your therapist’s office had only confirmed what he already suspected.

As advised, he gave you time—three days, exactly. Then the calls began, gentle and steady, each one a quiet pull back to him. Each time, he waited for you to let him in, to say something. But instead, he got excuses. Busy with work. Out with friends. His personal favorite: just sleeping. It’s almost amusing, how you seem to forget he has your location. He always knows where you are. 

Sylus toys with the key in his hand, should he, or shouldn’t he? Would this cross a line? You had given this to him for an emergency, wouldn’t this be considered one? It has been a full week without hearing from you. He never lets it go this long but work held him up so he couldn’t do his usual routine. He continued to ponder the ethics of his decision until he heard it, movement. A sign of life behind the door that still won’t open up for him. That’s it, he decides and inserts the key. 

As the door swings open, a gust of stale air hits him, thick with stillness. His eyes immediately scan the space, searching for the life he just heard. But as he steps inside, it’s clear- the main rooms haven’t been touched in days, especially the kitchen. He moves toward the bedroom when the bathroom door suddenly swings open. 

Both of you freeze, staring at one another in shock. 

For a moment, he just looks at you. Taking in the hollowed eyes, the tangled hair, the way your clothes sit wrong on you—looser in some places, clinging in others— like they were meant to fit differently but now just hang, like an afterthought. His chest tightens—not in disgust, never that— but in a quiet, constrained ache. He swallows it down, he knows letting you see that pain won’t help. Instead, he inhales, careful, and controlled. Just as he opens his mouth to speak, he hears it. 

Get out 

The words reach him, but his mind trips over them, grasping for meaning. 

For a second, all Sylus processes is the sound of your voice—hoarse, unsteady, faint, as if it took all your energy to speak at all. His mind is still trying to catch up, to piece everything together. But that’s when he really sees you. The way you stand there stiffly, eyes shining with unshed tears, flickering to anything that isn't him. As if meeting his gaze would break your resolve. The tension in your jaw, arms crossed tightly over your chest, shoulders hunched forward, as if you’re shielding yourself from him. And then he sees it—fear. Shame. They were there all along, laced with the exhaustion and neglect. Deeply settled, lingering long before he walked in the door. He had been so focused on finding you, making sure you were safe, that he hadn’t realized—you didn’t want to be found. Not like this. 

The tightness in his chest twisting further, a quiet reminder of his mistake. Instead, he exhales in that same rehearsed way.

"Sweetie," he tries again. His voice was low, full of gentleness. Less of a greeting, more of a reassurance. He’s not going anywhere. 

You just shake your head, a silent refusal, as if willing for him to disappear. Your stance is firm, guarded. But Sylus isn't someone who retreats at the first sign of a challenge. Especially not when it's you. 

"I know kitten, I know you don't want me to see you like this. And I know you think that pushing me away will make everything easier for you, for me. But it won't, it hasn't. You don't have to do this alone." 

He sees the tears start to fall, a quiet surrender that he takes as a response. Without hesitation, he continues, his voice softer but unwavering.

Taking a small step forward, slow yet deliberate as he speaks, "Just focus on me for a second, okay? Forget about everything else, it's just us. Can you breathe with me, my love?" As he demonstrates with measured, even breaths. Never forcing, just offering, hoping it will bring your attention back to the present instead of whatever thoughts you're trapped in.

He notices the way your hunched shoulders drop, relaxing slightly, and how your clenched arms finally loosen their grip on your body. He continues to encourage you, taking slow, careful steps closer. 

"You don’t have to do anything big. I’m not here with any expectations. Why don’t we just sit down? We don’t have to talk, I’ll just sit with you, if that’s okay." His voice is soft, low, coaxing. 

Sylus notices the immediate shift in your demeanor as you register his close proximity-the shield coming back as your body goes rigid once again. You close back in on yourself and take a step back. 

You should go. I stink and I'm sure I look horrific; you mutter as your hand comes up to your face to shield it. His heart pangs, but he doesn't let his expression falter. He can't afford to let you see how much it hurts him that you're hiding from him like this. He takes another small step closer, never pushing, just allowing the space between the both of you to remain as it is. He doesn't want to make you feel trapped, but he wants to show you, prove to you, that he's not leaving.

"Kitten," his voice steady and carrying a weight of reassurance deeper than words can convey. "I'm not leaving. If I wanted to, I would. You know I don't do things I don't want to. But I'm here, for however long you want me around. I'm yours." 

You scoff, shaking your head, still refusing to meet his gaze. "Why?" you ask, voice cracking. "Look at me, smell me, Sylus. Jesus Christ I'm disgusting. Why would you want to stay? Are you nuts?" 

"It's been suggested," he cuts in, his tone remaining gentle yet firm. Finally, you look up at him, and the anger in your gaze takes him by surprise but he holds his ground. 

"You just don't get it," you emphasize, your words sharp and full of frustration. "What's there to get?" he wonders but doesn't dare to speak it. "Sweetie," he says tenderly, "if this is you at your worst, then I've suffered far worse than this. You think I haven't smelled, or hit rock bottom before? When I did-or if I do sometime in the future, would you leave me? Would you push me away" 

"Don't be ridiculous," you say, your voice tinged with exasperation. His lips quirk into a soft smirk, his eyes never leaving yours.  

"Can I hold your hand?" he whispers, watching you closely, waiting for your response. You hesitate, then barely nod, just enough for him to catch it. He takes your hand in his, lifting it gently to his lips and pressing a soft kiss on the back of it.  

Out of the corner of his eye, he catches the way your face scrunches up, a grimace of discomfort, but the smile on his lips remains warm and unwavering. 

"How about this," he continues, "I'll make you something small to eat. You don't have to finish it. Just one bite. No pressure."  

You pause, your mind working through his offer. Until, after a moment, your shoulders sag in defeat, and with a sigh, you agree. Your hand still secured in his, he leads you to the kitchen, placing another kiss on the top of your head before turning to the fridge to pull out what little food there is. 

"After we eat, can you shower with me?" The words barely escape your lips, so faint that for a moment he's unsure he heard them. He looks at you, hoping his love for you radiates in his gaze.

"Of course," he replies, his voice steady and sure. "Whatever you want, my dove." He watches as the faintest of smiles flicker across your face, the kind of smile he's willing to wait for, no matter how long it takes. 

Tag list: @withering-dream @madam8 @t4naiis @sunhooniez

[meloneie]

Mellonie does FOP + A New Wish Analysis: 1

This is what a week of AC and Antifairy brainrot has led to. After this I think I’m going to actually watch through the entire original series from the Oh Yeah! Shorts all the way to Season 10. (Hopefully I wont hate it too much.) And then rewatch ANW again once it hits streaming for the full FOP experience. And also so I could maybe do more of this analysis stuff, its fun.

Plans for later aside, this and any I do in the future, will only use episodes the character actually appears in, and not ones that they are merely mentioned in. Its also important to note that I likely wont use all the episodes the Character appears in.

That old black magic is the introduction to Anti-Cosmo, Anti-Wanda, and the Anti-Fairies as a whole. They’re described as “Regular Fairies, but anti.”

This episode establishes a few things:

1.Fairy magic cannot interfere with Anti-fairy magic.

2.On Friday the 13th, Antifairies escape from Fairyworld and cause bad luck. Antifairies are naturally drawn to anything that triggers bad luck to happen.

3.Antifairies can only be seen by humans with anti-fairy goggles.

4.Antifairies are opposites of their fairy counterpart in personality. AW is “incredibly stupid and eats with her feet.” AC is “not an idiot, in any matter once so ever.”

But what’s really interesting about this episode is what Jorgen and Anti-Cosmo have to say about the anti-fairies.

“No one is allowed in Anti-fairy world!”

“You see, we’ve been trapped behind that blasted barrier for centuries.”

Jorgen, you cant just imprison a whole group without expecting any problems. Its no wonder they wanted to escape so badly. Is causing bad luck something, well, bad, enough to warrant the imprisonment of an entire race? The anti-fairies arent good at all, obviously, but they are biologically made to thrive off of bad luck and negative energy. This really muddies the waters when it comes to seeing this as a solely ‘black and white’ situation. Most, but not all, of what AC does is for the antifairies. He’s evil and chaotic by nature, but he’s not evil evil, yknow.

There isnt really anything else noteworthy to say about that old black magic outside of this, but I did notice that AC knew Timmy’s name despite the fact he never met him before that point, somehow. I merely brush it off as a minor goof and just figure AC mustve made a lucky (haha) guess, but if you want a crazy theory to explain it, then maybe anti-fairies share vague recollections or memories with their fairy counterparts. I dont actually think thats true, but theres your food for thought.

The second appearance of the antifairies, The Gland Plan instantly ditches the entire ‘antifairy goggles’ thing, which is honestly for the better, even if I do think it made anti-fairies more unique. They are sadly never getting the invisibilty thing back.

This episode establishes that the faggigly gland is a special organ in a fairies body that allows the fairy to change shape, and that both fairies and anti-fairies have one. Fairy biology in general is really questionable, especially if you factor in the angel forms from A New Wish, but thats a topic for another day.

A few things to note:

1.This is the start of that “Hello, Clarice.” quote that AC and Foop/Irep use. Its a reference to Silence of the Lambs but its a misquote anyway because Lecter never even says hello to Clarice.

2.AC claims that he cant see a thing without his monocle. If he isnt lying about that and isnt using the monocle only as a symbol of prestige, then he has really terrible eyesight and is most likely completely blind in one eye.

3.Despite AC calling his wife a twit, he prefaces it by saying that he loves her very much. Most instances of AC talking to his wife does include him being typically annoyed when she messes with his plans, but outside of that he acts courteous towards her. (“Chin up, my beloved Anti-Wanda! Your savior, Anti-Cosmo, will have you all free presently!”)

4.The more questionable line is when Anti-Cosmo and Cosmo are having the operation and AC claims that if he does live, Cosmo should take his wife. Needless to say, AC words things very poorly at times, but this statement does have them acknowledging that an anti-fairy and a fairy could hypothetically be with one another’s counterpart.

“Cosmo, old friend, since we both carry a piece of each other inside of us, I see no reason for us to do battle. But I warn you, don't look for me.”

AC doesnt hold that much ill-will towards Cosmo like how I figure most would expect him to. He seems to be fed up and annoyed by his counterpart’s foolishness, but he does not despise him.

Right as the episode ends, Timmy brings up the idea that maybe more than the faggigly glands got transplanted. There isnt much evidence to support this outside of the brief voice change Anti-Cosmo and Cosmo had, but I’m starting to think Timmy was right considering how Anti-Cosmo acts in A New Wish.

I dont know if AC and AW retired like Wanda and Cosmo did, but I feel like AC’s very obvious decline in intelligence is a likely theory as to why Irep now seems to be in charge of the anti-fairies as shown in A New Wish.

I frankly can’t see the New Wish Version of AC leading the antifairies compared to how he acted in the old show. Not when he now thinks leaving a cage unattended is a “good idea.” That isnt something AC would say at all if we’re going off of his original characterization. It’s interesting to think of a reason in-universe as to how he went from “not an idiot, in any matter once so ever.” to someone who definitely is not as smart as he use to be.

[erispenelopeandalittleviolet]

Guide to watch Violet Evergarden :

Violet Evergarden, a light novel Series that was written by Kana Akatsuki and illustrated by Akiko Takase.

KA Esmua Bunko published the first Novel in December 25, 2015 and in 2018 the Anime came out with 1 season and 13 episodes full of emotions that brought tears to most watchers and fans. (Including me)

VE didn’t end there, more content followed with the first movie: Eternity and the Auto Memories Doll (2019)

And with the final movie and what is the final of VE: Violet Evergarden The movie (2020)

And the last thing that we have got till this day, hopefully one day more, is an special extra episode of VE that came out in 2021.

But what is Violet Evergarden even about?

The Plot and key themes to look out for:

VE is about Violet Evergarden, a forced former child soldier, who served in the "great war", who has been disconnected from her emotions since she can remember (and without her conciously knowing that) . Violet did not have a name before the age of 14-15 and was not seen as a human but as a weapon, including by herself.

However, now that the war is over Violet became a Auto Memories Doll, a women who writes beautifully written letters for those who cannot.

Violet’s journey begins after she and Major Gilbert lose each other in the final battle of the war.

The series touches on heavy topics such as ptsd, as we get many many flashbacks from Violet in the battles she was in and from side characters.

loss, many characters in VE have lost loved ones ( lovers, friends, family) Violet who was saved by major Gilbert Bougainvillea that thought her how to read and write but now they lost one another.

The life after a War, from her and side characters pov's.

But not only was the war a key factor but also many environmental and situational based issues for a factor of loss.

Human connection, the understanding of emotions and making true genuine connections with other souls.

survivor guilt, Violet who survived the war but many others did not and how she learns, copes and heals from them.

Acceptance, how people find closure with what happened to them.

Loneliness, how loneliness is portrayed in VE.

The true meaning of love, Violet who wants to know what love means and how to recognise the different forms of love and how people express love in there own individual ways.

As the series continues, we see that everybody she meets, that they help her and she helps them in some ways.

Side characters, details and the Episode mins:

Most episode are about 24 minutes long, the side characters are very important as they play a big part in Violets development in her journey and growth just like she is also a major factor in there growth and development.

Details: In VE there are many hidden details, many of the characters names/ last names have a special meaning connected to there identity/character. They often or not have a flower name that has a special meaning.

The songs: the opening song is basically a letter to major Gilbert, and mostly all of the songs represent the inside world of VE.

The subtle background details can also be more often or not be a foreshadowing of something or show a meaning for the inside of the character interest, intentions and or feelings.

Where should you start?

If you don't want to read then start with the series, it is mostly in violets pov, how she observes the world around her or the side characters pov's.

Like it was mentioned, the series just like the movies touches on complicated topics. If any of those might be triggering for you then you should watch it with an adult or someone togehter with you.

However since VE has light novels that came out first, you should concider reading it too.

Most light novels that got an adaptation have more Informations about side and main characters in the novel that, for some reasons, weren't included in the adaptation. And VE was no exception to this.

Plus Reading is good for the brain and the brain is activly working. (With scenarios and voices that you imagine occurred)

Movie or extra Episode?

What I recommend is to continue with the Extra Episode (2021) it is set after the series.

In the first movie (Eternity and the auto memory's doll (2019)) is after the series like the extra ep. But it is unknowing to us if it occured exactly after the extra ep. Or if the extra ep. Was taking place in the movie somehow. (there is a small time skip in the movie)

The final movie:

VE's final masterpice was It's final.

The final movie (2020) is what you should watch in the end and is what is also the end of the VE series.

The movie takes place after the time skips of 'Eternity and the auto memory's doll' and is an emotional rollercoster, so no mascara or make up on because your tears will be uncontrollable.

Thankyou so much for reading this and I hope this helped you ❤️❤️ this isn't the best guide ik but I did my best and I am open for your opinions.

Tags!!! @viiper1 @anotherinstancepoetry

[ask-postcrash-curly]

Heya curls!

Time for the season finale!!! Hope u enjoy it! Didn’t wanna leave u on a cliffhanger, so you get the last 2 eps of the season at once, haha.

51. The return (listed as episode 48 on Hulu)

Trigger Warnings: laser light cannons are fired, they don’t really cause an explosion tho

After the hand fires off, there’s an explosion.

And then another explosion occurs soon after that (after the line “fire a barrage” is said)

52. Jailbreak (on Hulu: episode 49)

At one point jasper does a skin attack (looking like how sonic does, ha) and she’s briefly covered in fire, kinda?

Oh, and then it happens again. Then she’s through into the ship core and there’s a big explosion

The whole hand ship ends up surrounded by like, green flames?

Then when it lands, there’s another big explosion. It’s kinda green tho, so hopefully it won’t bother u?

Then there’s a bunch of green flames. Again, since it’s green, hopefully it won’t bother you? Didn’t really look like the flames you dealt with. [Um, I’ll leave it up to the 3rd party if u wanna censor it or not, but considering curly wasn’t bothered by some of the other flames (like the rectangly ones) hopefully this is different enough from his fire that it won’t bother him, haha]

Without further ado, [beams those 2 episodes into your head]

Hey! That's nice. I'm curious as to where this is going.

Thank you for the warnings.

...Hm? Ah, I wouldn't worry. I don't have a lot of movement in my face yet.

Whoa. That's an intense start. Hello, giant green hand. ...Damn, you weren't kidding when you said there was no explosion. That was unfortunate.

Kinda sounds like they're just trying to protect him...

Oh shit— This is getting intense. Damn, where'd the lion come from?

Hey, it's Opal...

Hey! It's Lapis!

Shit. Shiiit, that's not good. Did Garnet just fucking die? Wh— That's the end?! Play the next one! Sorry, sorry, but—

Okay, okay. Next episode and Steven's hurt and imprisoned. Not a great start. Huh. That trap was really easy to escape. Who's that? Ah, they're in space... They hurt his friends and his face...

Jeez, I'm not so sure that whatever Steven's doing with the yellow stuff is safe— Wait, what? Garnet's a fusion?! Damn, okay, good for her! Is she fucking rapping?! Good for her! She's the best character in this damn show. Her singing voice is pretty nice, too!

Aw, shit, is the ship going to crash...? Whew, okay... Hey, there's Lion! The gems are okay? ...Lapis might be dead, though. That's rough.

...Oh, shit. I see where this is going... This is fucked up.

Gah— That's terrifying.

"Yikes" is right. Damn. Kid's show my ass.

[theroyalmisfitmess]

[Updated as of 07/11/23] Reasons why I think Sid is the father

I don’t think other viewers can call fellow Sid-is-the-father theorists delusional anymore. The show is already building up the final contenders and I know in my gut they’re gonna be Sid, Jesse, and Ian. Hopefully we get S4 because I will update this whenever there’s a season break or a season ends.

Possible hints from the show (not the obvious and usually stated ones + not hints that could also apply to other contenders):

- When Sophie enters Pemberton’s to switch phones back with Sid, the engagement party crowd thought she was Hannah

- Sid remembered how much Tinder dates Sophie went on; he paid attention to her well (more on this later)

- Sophie and Sid both experienced relationship problems then found each other at the same time and same place. Sid later gave Sophie advice about finding the right person (funny enough, the advice parallels the situation because Sophie and Sid found each other at the right time to give each other advice)

- Two of Sophie’s by far most important love interests are connected to Sid—Jesse who is Sid’s best friend, and Drew who is a close friend of Sid’s wife

- Sophie remembers the Electric Slide; this time she is proven to pay attention to him

- Sid tells Sophie that he hopes the man she’ll marry will give her a better reception that what he and Hannah have

- If the father isn’t Jesse and Sophie is still married to the father, only Sid would be the perfect candidate to be understanding on why Jesse’s photo is on Sophie’s wall since he is Sid’s best friend

- The father is hinted to have loved Valentine’s Day even before he and Sophie even got together. Unlike the other guys, Sid’s memory for Valentine’s Day was always consistently good. Additionally, when Hannah walked in Pemberton’s to surprise Sid, only Sophie’s reaction was the focus

- Sophie and Sid both remember random facts they found out about each other offscreen; once again solidifying that they do pay attention to each other

- Sid somehow is the only character who has profound or notable interactions with both of Sophie’s parents

- In the episode where Sophie and her father made a popup, she tells her son it’s a story of how she met her father; in this episode, Sid is the only father option to interact with Sophie and her father

- Since we know that Sophie narrates the story, it’s important to note that she often emphasizes Sid’s stories by giving us in-depth insight despite their minimal interactions in episodes before 02x13. While she also does this for her other friends, it’s only Sid’s stories that we actually see play out long. To add, Sophie always paints Sid in a positive light in her stories

- In the disengagement episode, Sid and Sophie are implied to know a lot about each other (Sid knowing Sophie’s lock screen, Sophie knowing the password to Sid’s iPad); this isn’t really a hint but again, recurring theme that they pay attention to each other

- Both Sid and Sophie have this storyline where they are judged for their jobs/careers (and in the same episode)

- By 2x18 we see Sophie’s parents again and it’s Sid who primarily consoles them when they (along with Valentina) follow Sophie into Sid and Jesse’s apartment

- Sophie slowly bonds with Sid as each episode progresses and have more significant plots with him more than with Jesse

- Hannah assumed that Sid emotionally cheated on her with Sophie, and it was without reason. After this scene, we then cut to Sophie

- EDIT: Season 1 also had another cheating conversation between Sid and Hannah where Sophie’s situation with Jesse and Drew was the trigger

- Sophie’s son says that he thought it was a happy story to which Sophie replies it was, but we immediately get Sid crying over Hannah—setting the mood that it wasn’t really a happy night for everyone

- By 2x20 we have finally taken Charlie out as a candidate to be the father of Sophie’s child because it’s been confirmed that he ends up with Valentina (Side note: love this revelation. I was on a fifty-fifty with them but they fit well and love each other); Drew can also be taken out of the equation because of how future Sophie talks about him as a mere catalyst, but since there’s not an official confirmation we can just put him down the list for now

- Once again, it needs to be mentioned that the way Sophie talks about Sid in her story is always in a good light. She talks about the father so fondly and only Sid is the male character who is presented with so much emphasis about his personal life, his goodness, and his ability to have someone stir up their fondness for him

Parallels & Connections with HIMYM/Ted and Tracy:

- Alliteration names (Ted Mosby and Tracy McConnell, Sophie and Sid—if Sid’s last name also starts with a letter “T” like Tompkins then that would be interesting)

- Both are romantics. Sophie is a hopeless romantic who can’t find “the one” like Ted, while Sid is a committed romantic who is (and possibly going to be was) in a longterm relationship like Tracy

- Sophie and Sid swap phones, paralleling the yellow umbrella swap

- Sophie and Sid’s banters are very similar to that of Ted and Tracy’s

- Sid has Ted’s old room

- In connection to a point from the previous section, Sophie painting Sid in a picture that’s so positive and feeling untainted is very similar to how Ted paints Tracy in his stories—perfect, an angel, someone who no one could say something bad about, with great fondness

- Not directly related to HIMYM, but in the original HIMYM spin-off (How I Met Your Dad), the lead character Sally met the dad as she was preparing to get divorced. The script of this scrapped spin-off was reworked into HIMYF. I’m not saying it’s a direct answer, but what if the divorce storyline is gonna go to HIMYF’s only married main character father option?

- Sophie and Sid both play detective in 2x19. In HIMYM, Ted and Tracy have this running gag that they loved sleuthing

- Both Sophie and Ted went through all the lengths to get with Jesse and Robin, respectively. When Ted met Tracy he didn’t have to work so much, he just let it happen. Both shows work with a philosophy on how love is hard but loving is supposed to be easy. Both Robin and Jesse have complicated love lines with Ted and Sophie, respectively

Also if it’s any consolation, I previously took a film course for my major. So while I do acknowledge that I could be reading into things too much, I did have backing since I tried to incorporate the concepts to pick these things up.

[talia-rumlow]

Home Sweet Home (AU Brock Rumlow/OFC) Chapter Eleven

WORDCOUNT: 8112

TRIGGERS: Age Gap Relationship, Sexual themes, Body dysmorphia, Mentions of PTSD

HAPPY READING!

CHAPTER ELEVEN - PLAYING WITH FIRE

Jessica lets out a heavy sigh, frustration etched across her face as she glares at the relentless blinking cursor on her screen. After dedicating her entire day to crafting a single sentence, she finds herself trapped in a loop of deletion and retyping, the cycle repeating endlessly. Now, she’s transfixed by that maddening flicker against the stark emptiness of her computer display. Once filled with confidence and faith in her abilities, she teeters on the edge of giving up, considering a future that mirrors her mother’s rather than her father’s. Deep inside, she knows that no matter how hard she pushes herself, her dad will always find a way to critique her efforts. In a moment of exasperation, she bursts out, “Ugh, why do I even care about your opinion?” and pounds her fists on the desk in frustration.

Molly, standing by the door and observing Jess's emotional turmoil, clears her throat, contemplating whether to offer a light-hearted comment or wait until Jess notices her presence. "It's because Calleigh is bringing us lunch, and we're starving," she finally interjects, unable to resist the temptation to join the conversation.

Jess shoots her a tired look. “Oh Molls,” she sighs. “I’m so hungry, but ugh…” She runs her fingers through her hair, gripping it tightly in frustration. “I really need to finish this ridiculous assignment,” she raises her voice slightly. “Otherwise, my dad will be furious,” she adds.

Molly grins, "Alright then! I guess I’ll have to catch today’s episode of Calleigh and Brock without you..." She knows that just the thought of missing out will be enough to lure Jess away from her deadline for a much-needed half-hour break.

Jess snaps her laptop shut, a hint of satisfaction dancing on her lips. “That’s it!” she declares, her smile only partially reaching her eyes. “Let’s hope it’s worth the risk,” she muses. The idea of her father’s disappointment if she doesn’t complete this assignment—or, even worse, if she flunks the entire class—sends a shiver down her spine. Yet, the thought of missing the latest escapades of Calleigh and Brock sends her heart racing even more. With her own romantic and intimate life currently nonexistent, she can’t bear the thought of missing out on Calleigh’s captivating tales.

   •─────────•°•❀•°•─────────•

Jack rests his forearms against the cool, glossy tiles of the shower, a wave of relief washing over him now that the ordeal with Saunders has come to an end. He feels a surge of satisfaction knowing he didn’t have to part with a single cent. When three women bravely stepped forward to share their experiences of unwanted advances from Saunders, his legal team wasted no time in dropping the case. Another victory for Rollins, though he’s uncertain if it truly qualifies as one. Leaving Calleigh again gnaws at him, a pain deeper than any other. Guilt from his past choices resurfaces, suffocating him. It’s easy to look back and think he should have stayed home instead of heading off to war. It’s easy to wish he had built a life with Gen, perhaps even married her. But life rarely unfolds as he envisioned or desired. Now, because of his job, he’s left Calleigh alone once more, prioritizing his responsibilities over her needs. All he can cling to is the hope that reviving their Friday night BBQ tradition, something Calleigh cherishes, might ease the tension. He also hopes she isn’t too upset with him for asking Brock to keep her company until he returns. He’s missed so many pivotal moments in Calleigh’s life that he sometimes feels like a stranger to her. This is a feeling he’s determined to change through effort and commitment. 

He successfully secured seats for his entire team on the 4:30 PM flight, which meant he could return home in time to hopefully share a late dinner with Calleigh—and perhaps Brock too, if he wasn’t too worn out from babysitting. After three months of embracing the role of a full-time father to a 20-year-old daughter, he recognized that while Calleigh inherited his height, eye color, and stubbornness, she also carried Gen's fierce determination. In many ways, Calleigh was twice as headstrong as he was, leaving him with quite the challenge. Fortunately, she was well-raised and possessed a level of common sense that he often lacked in his twenties. After all, he had gotten a girl pregnant and then nearly lost his life in a war zone. He understood that most people do foolish or reckless things in their late teens or early twenties, but his list of misadventures could earn him a medal of sorts. Thank goodness Calleigh was far more intelligent than he had been at her age. 

As Jack emerged from the shower, a towel snugly wrapped around his waist, his phone buzzed to life, illuminating the screen with a message from Calleigh. His heart raced for a moment. Was there trouble at home?

“Jess might need some assistance with her assignment. I recommend you get Barton involved. He graduated with a top score and could really help her out.”

A smile spread across Jack's face. This was a problem he could easily solve for Jessica. He was determined to see her graduate with honors, and now he had the chance to demonstrate to Calleigh that he was a committed father. It might not seem like much, but it felt like a step in the right direction. It was reassuring to know that Calleigh was keen on having only the best talent in the company. After all, in just six months, she would be taking on a larger role in the business, and it was encouraging to see her approach her responsibilities with such seriousness. 

   •─────────•°•❀•°•─────────•

As Calleigh prepares to set the lunch table, Molly and Jess burst through the door. “Thank goodness,” Calleigh exhales, relief washing over her. “I thought you two would never arrive. I’m absolutely famished,” she adds, plopping down into a chair. The previous night had been a whirlwind of emotions and uncertainties, leaving her thoughts tangled and chaotic. She was counting on a conversation with Molly and Jess to help untangle the mess in her mind.

“Jess just had a little spat with her computer, but she decided to let it win this time,” Molly chuckles, settling into the chair across from Calleigh and opening her takeout box. The mouthwatering scent of crispy fried chicken wafts through the air, making her stomach rumble in anticipation.

Meanwhile, Jess has already taken a hearty bite of her favorite bacon burger, lounging comfortably on the couch. “My dad is going to be furious if I don’t finish this,” she grumbles, letting out a dramatic sigh. “Why is this so difficult…,” she starts to say, but Calleigh cuts in.

“Good thing I arranged for some extra help,” Calleigh beams. Although Jess and Barton seemed like an odd pairing, so did she and Brock. Life was full of surprises, and perhaps Barton wasn’t as uptight as he seemed.

“Oh no,” Jess groans. “Please tell me Mr. R won’t make me go to the library two days a week. I love my office,” she continues, shuddering at the thought. The mere idea of being confined to the library for two days made her want to abandon her studies altogether. Libraries were filled with bookworms, and she couldn’t blast her music, not even with headphones, because there were always those with ears like hawks. She couldn’t fathom why anyone would choose to study in a place where every sound echoed like a thunderclap. They should just stay home.

“Not a chance. I asked him if Barton could assist you,” Calleigh interjects, her grin stretching from ear to ear. “He agreed,” she adds, her excitement palpable.

Jess slid her burger back into its box, her gaze snapping to Calleigh. “You did WHAT?” she exclaimed, a mix of surprise and curiosity in her voice. The idea of getting to know him thrilled her, yet a nagging doubt crept in—how could she possibly concentrate on her studies? It was already a challenge with him just an arm’s length away. Imagining herself in his office, or him in hers, sent her mind racing. As enticing as it sounded, it felt like a surefire way to chaos.

Molly shifts her gaze from Jess to her burger, then to Calleigh, and back to Jess once more. “Wow,” she exclaims, her voice laced with astonishment. “A burger drop,” she adds, noting how rare it was for Jess to set her food aside. Jess was notorious for devouring everything in sight, regardless of the portion size.

Molly tried to hide her smirk but couldn’t quite manage it. She admired Jess’s unapologetic approach to food, even envied it at times. Jess didn’t seem to worry about what a burger or a milkshake might add to her waistline. Molly, on the other hand, felt trapped in her own head whenever she thought about food—her thoughts looping endlessly between guilt and indulgence. It wasn’t just the numbers on the scale; it was the mirror, the photos, the way her jeans pinched her waist, making her feel like a busted can of biscuits that no one wanted to open.

She had come to hate that phrase, but it stuck with her—an image she couldn’t shake, even on her good days. No matter how carefully she dressed, tugging her sweaters down over her hips or avoiding certain fabrics altogether, the feeling lingered, gnawing at her confidence. Molly hated how much space she thought she took up, even when she was still, and the way her own reflection seemed to mock her. Jess’s carefree attitude only highlighted her insecurities.

Years ago, the jealousy had burned hotter, her resentment almost impossible to hide. Molly would glare at Jess’s untouched plate of fries, waiting for her to inhale them without a second thought. But time had softened her edges, and she’d come to understand that Jess had her own challenges—ones that didn’t have anything to do with food or bodies. Still, there were moments, like now, when she felt that all-too-familiar stab of envy.

Even as she picked at her fried chicken, Molly couldn’t fully enjoy it. She kept wondering if the crisp breading and savory flavor would later turn into an extra roll on her stomach. She hated that she thought like this, but undoing years of seeing her body as a problem wasn’t easy. Her friends didn’t notice the mental war playing out behind her polite smile. Why would they? She made sure to laugh at Jess’s jokes and nod at Calleigh’s stories, hoping they wouldn’t see through her. She didn’t want pity; she just wanted peace. 

   •─────────•°•❀•°•─────────•

Brock inhaled deeply, his hand dragging across his face in frustration. The previous night had spiraled far from his expectations, leaving his mind a chaotic jumble of thoughts that twisted and turned, making clarity elusive. Why was there a drawing of Duke among Calleigh's work papers? What prompted her to bring it home? Did she sense the shadows of his PTSD lurking beneath the surface? If she did, why hadn’t she confronted him about it? He was acutely aware that Calleigh understood PTSD all too well. He had shared countless discussions with Jack about his fears—how terrified he was of Calleigh entering his room during his disassociation, worried he might inadvertently harm her. Thankfully, that fear had never materialized, and Calleigh had learned to navigate those turbulent waters. Yet, Brock knew the toll it took on Jack, waking up drenched in sweat, hearing Calleigh pound on his door, pleading for him to return to reality. This was precisely why he hesitated to share his struggles with Calleigh. She deserved a partner who was strong, someone capable of shielding her from harm. Someone unburdened by PTSD. What was he thinking? Calleigh was worth so much more than he could offer. And Jack too. It felt as if he were playing with fire, igniting a blaze that threatened to consume everyone and everything in its path, like a pyromaniac unable to quell his insatiable desire for destruction. 

He was acutely aware that he had ignited a fire in the world around him. There was no way to extinguish that flame; he had shared a night with her, taken her innocence. That moment was forever etched in his memory. There was no point in looking back now, nor did he wish to. His heart was consumed with love for Calleigh, an insatiable desire to be near her every waking moment. Just the thought of her skin beneath his fingers sent shivers of anticipation through him, and he could vividly recall the sensation of her lips enveloping him. Oh, sweet heavens, what had he unleashed upon himself?

   •─────────•°•❀•°•─────────•

Jess lets out a breath, crossing her arms and reclining on the couch. “So, you gave him head?” she probes, her tone laced with curiosity, though she’s not entirely convinced that’s what happened. Calleigh’s words had spilled out in a rush, tangled and disjointed, lacking clarity.

“Ehh...,” Calleigh responds, her mind racing. In a way, she did what Jess described, but uncertainty gnaws at her. Did she really do it right? Was it even a blow job? “I’m not really sure,” she admits, feeling a bit foolish for her lack of vocabulary.

“You’re not sure?” Jess presses, her eyebrows raised. “There aren’t that many ways to do it. Did you have it in your mouth?” she continues, her tone casual, as if discussing the weather. It’s just another day for Jess, treating the topic like it’s the most ordinary thing imaginable. 

Molly was in the midst of relishing her creamy vanilla shake when, out of nowhere, she unleashed a theatrical spit take. In her desperate scramble to manage the chaos, she only managed to splatter milkshake all over her face, capturing the entertained stares of her friends. Normally, this would have sent her into a spiral of embarrassment, but at that moment, she was so engrossed in the lively conversation about blow jobs that she hardly registered her own mortification.

“What kind of scene is this?” Jess laughed, shaking her head. “One of you is clueless about what’s in her mouth, and the other can’t seem to spit it out fast enough!” Her words barely escaped her lips before she was overtaken by a fit of giggles. 

Calleigh passed Molly a few paper towels, watching her in silence as she cleaned the milkshake off her face before returning the used towels. Why was it so difficult to talk about this? She understood what a blow job was; it was just… Ugh, forget it. “I did give him a blow job,” she murmured almost too softly as she tossed the paper towels into the trash. Strangely, it felt easier to voice the words without having to meet Jess's gaze. “It’s just…,” she trailed off, letting her thoughts fade away with a sigh. 

Jess raised an eyebrow, her face etched with worry. “You didn’t enjoy it?” Talking about sex and guys with her friends was usually a breeze; they could share laughs and poke fun at the awkwardness of certain kisses or other antics. But this situation with Brock was different. He was an adult, almost like a stand-in father figure at times, and Jess had never imagined any of them would ever view him in a sexual light. 

Calleigh lets out another heavy sigh. How could she possibly articulate the whirlwind of emotions from the previous night? Should she confide in her friends about her swirling doubts? Should she reveal the inner conflict tearing her apart? Caught between her undeniable attraction to Brock, whose touch ignited a fire within her, and the gnawing guilt of keeping yet another secret from her father, she felt trapped. Perhaps sharing the entire New York saga would help. But no, she had made a promise—a vow to keep it all to herself. She understood the consequences of breaking that promise. “It wasn’t me…” she murmurs, lost for words on how to continue. 

Jess feels a jolt of panic. “Oh, no, Calleigh,” she breathes out, almost without thinking. “He didn’t like it,” she adds, fully aware of how such remarks could shatter someone’s self-esteem. Yet, she couldn’t help but be surprised that Brock would be the type to react that way. 

Calleigh let out a frustrated grunt, more of a spit than a sigh. “I just don’t know,” she complained, sinking back into her chair with a heavy heart. “I really don’t know, Jess,” she added, dragging her hand across her face in exasperation. “He seemed so… distant and tense all night.” As she spoke, vivid memories of the previous evening flooded her mind, bringing tears to her eyes. She realized how challenging it would be to keep her relationship with Brock a secret from her father. And with the uncertainty she felt, it was clear that Brock must be feeling it too. Perhaps this whole situation was a mistake, but how could she bring herself to end it now? How could she possibly walk away when every time she saw him, it wasn’t just her lips that smiled, but her entire being? Letting go felt impossible. 

Molly interjects, "Have you discussed your plans for when your dad returns?" This is her moment to shine, to offer wisdom and insight. When it comes to the topic of intimacy, though, she feels a bit out of her depth. It’s as if she’s standing on the sidelines, unable to join the conversation fully. At least, when it comes to giving advice, she feels somewhat limited. 

Calleigh inhaled deeply, mulling over their next steps once Jack made his return. He would come back, of that she was certain, and the prospect of another legal debacle at one of the business's numerous sites seemed like a far-fetched dream. Could she truly keep her emotions under wraps? Brock would undoubtedly still drop by occasionally, and with the 4th of July just around the corner, memories of their annual celebrations at the lakehouse flooded her mind. They had always escaped the chaos of fireworks and noise there, and Brock was a constant presence, often joined by his family for the festivities. The thought of him not being there felt unsettling. So, yes, they would need to mask their feelings, but she was at a loss for how to pull that off. “Sort of...,” she murmured softly, almost inaudibly. “Or, no,” she added, frustration creeping into her voice. “I don’t even know what this is,” she lamented, burying her face in her hands.

Molly gently rested her hand on Calleigh's shoulder. “Didn’t he mention that he loved you?” she inquired, cautiously navigating through uncharted territory. 

Calleigh gazes up at Molly, her hands resting limply in her lap. Tears stream down her face, and she feels no shame in crying, a familiar sensation since that fateful kiss with Brock. “Yes, he did. And I love him too, but…,” oh no, here comes the flood of emotions again. “I love my dad as well, and our relationship is already fragile. This… this feels so wrong. It’s wrong, isn’t it?” The words tumble out in a rush, leaving her uncertain if Jess or Molly can even grasp her meaning. “I don’t want to hurt my dad, yet I crave Brock. I want him like they do in the movies. I’ve never experienced anything like this before. It’s terrifying and beautiful, painful and exhilarating all at once. I can’t tell which feeling is the right one,” she spills her heart, and oddly enough, it begins to make sense to her. At last, she has voiced her turmoil, and despite the chaos of her thoughts, a glimmer of understanding emerges. 

Jess and Molly turn their attention to Calleigh. With a gentle nudge, Jess slides the box of paper towels toward her across the table. Molly reaches in, pulls one out, and offers it to Calleigh. “You’re likely feeling all of it,” she remarks, her gaze filled with empathy. “It’s completely natural to feel torn in your circumstances,” she adds, glancing at Jess for support. Her response, though a bit hasty, is punctuated by a questioning look directed at Jess. 

Jess leans in, curiosity sparkling in her eyes as she asks, “Which movies are you talking about?” Her head tilts slightly, a gesture that radiates understanding and compassion for her friend. There were moments when she resented herself for bypassing the emotional depths, but the truth was, emotions terrified her. They unraveled her, much like the way she felt when Barton was near. It was far simpler to lighten the mood with a quip or a joke; that was where her confidence lay. Navigating feelings was not her forte, especially when it came to romance. She had stumbled through enough missteps in that arena.

Calleigh chuckled softly, her laughter mingling with tears. “I figured you’d respond like that,” she said with a faint smile, the words escaping her lips. She understood Jess's struggles with emotions all too well. Jess had fought against the rigid expectations imposed by her parents, enduring one tumultuous relationship after another. Calleigh's heart ached for her friend. At just 22, Jess felt the weight of the world pressing down on her, with her parents hoping she would surpass their achievements. Though it was never explicitly stated, Calleigh sensed the turmoil Jess faced in trying to find her way through those turbulent waters. 

Jess returned a grateful smile, her heart warmed by the presence of friends who truly understood her without the need for excessive words. In their trio, Jess was the lively spirit, always ready with a joke, while Molly was the gentle soul, the quiet one who brought a calming presence to their dynamic. Then there was Calleigh, the deep thinker, a hopeless romantic who had always adhered to her parents' expectations without a second thought. Jess sometimes found herself envious of that unwavering commitment. Yet, she knew she had to maintain her tough facade; vulnerability felt like a risk she wasn’t ready to take. “So, are we talking about sweet, passionate lovemaking like in Titanic, or are we diving into the intense, building-shaking moments like Spike and Buffy?” Jess asked, her eyebrows dancing playfully. 

Calleigh inhaled deeply once more, feeling the familiar knot of anxiety tighten in her chest. Doubts swirled around her mind—was she truly enough? The weight of Brock's cautious demeanor only added to her unease, as if he believed she might shatter at any moment. She recognized his vast experience in matters of intimacy, and all she longed for was for him to guide her, to lead her into that uncharted territory together. Yet, every time she attempted to express her feelings, he seemed to drift away, lost in thoughts that excluded her. The fear gnawed at her: was her inexperience the reason for his distance, or was it simply because she was her father's daughter? “At this moment, it’s neither,” she murmured with a sigh. “He treats me like I’m fragile,” she added, immediately regretting her choice of words. The last thing she wanted was to cast Brock in a negative light. “Or maybe he’s just being cautious. Too cautious,” she concluded, punctuating her frustration with a dismissive wave of her arm. Molly had drifted into a quiet observer's role in the discussion, while Jess anxiously gnawed at her inner cheek. Noticing her friends' lack of insightful responses to her chatter, she pressed on. “And now my dad is coming back soon, and I’m worried that we won’t have a chance to…,” she began, only to be cut off by Jess.

Jess blurted out, "Get hot and heavy on the kitchen counter?" The words tumbled from her lips before she could think them through. She realized it might not have been the most considerate response, but the emotional depth of the conversation left her feeling disoriented. None of her past relationships had ever ventured into such deep emotional territory. It wasn't that she didn't crave that connection; it was just that the men she had been with never grasped that part of her. And why would they? She had never opened up about her desire to be cherished and safeguarded.

Molly's voice escalated with incredulity, "Calleigh, if you actually do that, I promise I’ll never step foot in your house for dinner again!" The thought of Brock and Calleigh getting cozy on the food prep counter was overwhelming for her. “That counter is for preparing meals, not for baby-making,” she insisted, her tone brooking no disagreement. 

“Relax, Molls, I have no intention of doing that,” Calleigh said, glancing at Jess and emphasizing the last word with a playful tone. “But how about the couch?” She directed the question at Molly, her voice laced with a light chuckle. 

“The sofa, the ground, the staircase, the shower, the sauna—anywhere but the kitchen or dining area,” Molly declared, dramatically nodding her head. She felt as if she had assumed a maternal role in the discussion, yet certain spaces were simply off-limits for that part of the romance.

Jess blurted out, “Absolutely not the sauna,” catching the intrigued gazes of her friends. “You’ll end up sick,” she added, her voice heavy with resignation after a brief pause where she considered sharing her sauna escapade. As their curious stares lingered, she hesitated. “It was just a one-time fling with some guy named Alexander, alright?” she confessed, her tone betraying any semblance of emotion for him. “A total mistake. I really don’t want to discuss it,” she concluded. 

Molly cast a swift look at the clock. “No time for that anyway. I need to get back to work,” she said, fully aware that Jess often regretted her past flings and relationships. There was no reason to press her to delve into a topic she clearly wanted to avoid.

   •─────────•°•❀•°•─────────•

At precisely 4:35 PM, Calleigh rolled into the driveway, her car gliding to a halt just as Brock stepped out of his own vehicle. For the first time all week, their paths finally crossed, and a rush of unexpected joy bloomed in her chest. The timing felt serendipitous, almost as if the universe had conspired to give them this fleeting moment of connection before everything shifted with Jack’s impending return.

The thought of what lay ahead sent a shiver of uncertainty through her. The future felt precarious, like walking a tightrope with no safety net. Would her bond with Brock survive the turbulence? Did they even have a bond, or was she clinging to a fragile illusion? His declaration of love still echoed in her mind, but they’d never given their relationship a name. Was it love, or something unspoken and undefined, floating somewhere between passion and companionship? The ambiguity gnawed at her, leaving her yearning for answers she wasn’t sure she could handle.

Brock couldn’t stop the grin that spread across his face as he stood beside his car, captivated by the sight of her stepping out of hers. She looked effortlessly polished in her tailored black skirt that skimmed her knees with impeccable precision. It had to be designer—Louis Vuitton, Prada, maybe even Chanel—not that he knew for sure. Her crisp white blouse and fitted black blazer added an air of authority, while the glossy Jimmy Choo heels she wore accentuated her legs, making his pulse quicken. He wasn’t a fashion aficionado by any stretch, but he recognized Jimmy Choo; years of buying his sister extravagant gifts had taught him a thing or two. Yet, none of that mattered. What mattered was the way Calleigh carried herself, like she owned every space she entered, a quiet confidence that had him utterly spellbound.

As much as Calleigh wanted to throw her arms around his neck and kiss him senseless, she reined herself in. Mrs. Callahan’s prying eyes were practically a fixture in the neighborhood, and she didn’t need the woman’s nosy commentary spreading like wildfire. In this upscale community, privacy was a luxury that came with a hefty price tag, one even Calleigh sometimes found herself unwilling to pay. Still, she couldn’t stop the warmth spreading through her chest as Brock fell into step behind her, his gaze following her every move.

Brock let her walk ahead, a gentlemanly instinct taking over, though his motives weren’t entirely selfless. The way her skirt hugged her hips, the sway of her stride, the rhythmic click of her heels against the pavement—it was mesmerizing. She moved with a grace that reminded him of a dancer, deliberate and poised, and he had to fight the primal urge rising within him. A part of him wanted to close the distance, to pull her into his arms and make her his in every sense of the word. But he held back, unsure if his feelings mirrored hers. Did she see him as more than a friend? Or was he reading too much into every stolen glance, every lingering touch?

The sharp click of the front door snapping shut behind them broke through his thoughts. Before he could say a word, Calleigh turned to face him, a playful glint in her eye. “Now you can kiss me,” she teased, her voice a low, tantalizing whisper as her fingers traced the edge of his t-shirt.

Her sudden boldness caught him off guard, but it also sent a jolt of heat through him. She was magnetic, a force he couldn’t resist, and her words lit a fire that had been simmering just beneath the surface. He didn’t hesitate. Closing the space between them, he cupped her face in his hands and kissed her with a hunger that bordered on desperation. Their lips met with an intensity that stole his breath, the world around them fading into irrelevance.

Her arms looped around his neck as she pressed herself against him, her body fitting against his as though it had always belonged there. His hands slid to her waist, fingers flexing against the fabric of her blazer as if trying to anchor himself in the moment. The kiss deepened, growing more fervent, more consuming, until it felt like the only thing keeping them grounded was each other.

“I want you,” Brock murmured against her lips, his voice hoarse with need. The confession slipped out unbidden, raw and honest, and he felt her shiver in response. Every inch of him burned with the desire to claim her, to lose himself in her completely, but he forced himself to slow down. She wasn’t just anyone; she was Calleigh. This wasn’t just lust—it was something far deeper, more profound, and he wanted her to feel that in every kiss, every touch.

Her fingers threaded through his hair, tugging lightly as she broke the kiss to catch her breath. “Then take me,” she whispered, her voice soft but laced with daring. She surprised herself with the words, but the emotions swirling in her chest made her reckless. She wanted to live in this moment, to give herself over to the electricity sparking between them. Whatever came next, whatever chaos Jack’s return might bring, she refused to let fear rob her of this.

Brock’s gaze locked with hers, and for a moment, the air between them felt charged, as if the universe itself held its breath. Then, with a low growl of surrender, he kissed her again, his hands slipping beneath the hem of her blazer to rest on the curve of her waist. The feel of her against him, the warmth of her skin through the thin fabric of her blouse, made his pulse race. He wanted to say so much, to lay bare everything he felt for her, but for now, words weren’t necessary.

Their world had narrowed to this—just the two of them, tangled in a moment that felt too perfect to be real. 

His hands glided down to her backside with a slow, intentional grace, igniting a surge of electricity that coursed through her body, warmth pooling between her thighs. “The couch,” she whispered against his lips. While the bed might have been the more sensible choice, she yearned to feel every inch of him, to have him pressed against her, skin to skin, craving that intimate connection. Impatience bubbled within her, making the trek to her bedroom seem like an eternity.

She sensed him preparing to lift her. “Wait, wait,” she breathed out quickly, hoping the moment wouldn’t slip away. “My skirt,” she added, hastily tugging it up to her waist, too eager to bother with the zipper. “Now,” she exhaled as their lips collided once more, his powerful arms enveloping her, his rough hands gently cradling her backside, applying just the right amount of pressure. “Take me,” she gasped, the words escaping her lips like a plea. Is this really how it feels? she pondered. This is what it means to surrender to that insatiable desire, that deep longing for another. This was the thrill she had heard whispers of, the raw need, the genuine hunger, the essence of passion. This was everything she had craved, even before she realized it, all culminating in this very moment.

    •─────────•°•❀•°•─────────•

Jack turned to the newest member of his team, Barton. “Can we talk?” he asked, his tone firm yet inviting. As they stepped off the plane, Jack felt an urgent desire to return home, but he also knew he needed Barton’s assistance for Jessica the very next day. He wanted to demonstrate to Calleigh that he valued her input and that her voice mattered in their operations. He was determined to ensure she wouldn’t have to endure the same struggles he faced when he first started. The shadows of his PTSD loomed over him, a burden his father had never fully grasped back then. Although his father eventually came around, the scars remained. Jack was resolute; he would not let Calleigh experience the same abandonment he had.

Clint felt a chill wash over him for a fleeting moment. When Jack had chosen him for this case, it had filled him with a sense of pride and honor. This was no ordinary case; it was a significant one, better suited for seasoned attorneys. Yet, he had embraced the opportunity wholeheartedly. It didn’t take long for him to realize that the realities of practicing law were a far cry from what he had learned in school. He mostly found himself on the sidelines, absorbing the complex jargon and the subtle glances exchanged across the table. Perhaps he should have been more involved. Clearing his throat, he began, “Mr. Rollins, I realize I could have contributed more…” but Jack interrupted him before he could finish.

Jack looked at Barton with a nod of approval. “You performed well, Barton,” he said. “I selected you because I see a promising future for you in this company.” He knew he didn’t come off as a typical boss, but he was resolute in his mission to lead the company forward with only the finest talent. “The initial cases are always a chance to learn, to see how corporate law operates in the real world,” he reassured him, noticing the anxiety that lingered in Barton’s demeanor. 

Clint impulsively exclaimed a quick "Thank you" before he fully understood the weight of his words. Internally, he grappled with the confusing idea of how Jack could have such unwavering confidence in his skills. Although he had graduated at the top of his class, he recognized that he was still a beginner, lacking the extensive experience that others had. A surge of gratitude enveloped him, yet he had never genuinely anticipated landing the position when he submitted his application. Rollins Delivery was a renowned company with a rich history and impressive accomplishments. Additionally, the salary was significantly better than any of the other jobs he had applied for. 

Jack turned to his companion as they strolled toward the parking lot, a spark of enthusiasm in his voice. “I’ve got another opportunity for you. It’s a chance to showcase your talents, and it would really help me out,” he said, gauging their interest. He was aware of his position as the boss, the one with the final say, but he was determined not to embody the cold authority of his father. Jack aspired to be more than just a figurehead; he wanted to connect with his team, to understand them better so they could support one another. He believed that to attract the finest talent, he needed to trust them to recognize their own strengths and where they could truly thrive within the organization. This perspective likely stemmed from his mother’s influence. Unlike his father, who epitomized the stereotypical wealthy elite, Lillian was a beacon of generosity, always advocating for the less fortunate in their community. One of the mantras that echoed through their home during his childhood was, ‘When you have more than enough, you build a bigger table, not a higher fence.’ This wisdom had become a guiding principle in Jack’s life. 

Clint nodded eagerly, "Absolutely, Boss, I'm on it." A mix of exhilaration and anxiety coursed through him; it was remarkable that Jack had entrusted him with important responsibilities after only a few months at the company. The idea of being able to assist Jack filled Clint with a sense of purpose. Having always been labeled the 'smart kid,' he had known from an early age that law was his calling. Yet, his journey had not been without its challenges—he had endured relentless bullying throughout school, often mocked for his appearance and labeled a nerd. Now, in this new environment, he finally felt valued and recognized for his abilities. 

Jack leaned closer, his voice quiet yet insistent. “Miss Grayson requires your assistance,” he stated. “She’s working on her undergraduate degree and has encountered a bit of a hurdle,” he continued, hoping to convince Barton without too much effort. “She has your keen intellect and sharp wit. I genuinely believe you’re the perfect fit for this,” he added, a hopeful smile breaking across his face. Deep down, he was eager for Barton to agree swiftly so he could head home, order some pizza, and finally have that long-awaited conversation with his daughter.

Clint responded almost instinctively, “Oh, you’re talking about Jessica?” A warm thrill coursed through him at the thought of spending some one-on-one time with her, even if it was just to lend a hand. “Absolutely, I can help with that,” he added, masking the secret he held close—he had been quietly observing her for the past month. He had noticed the way her dark, silky hair cascaded over her shoulder and how her brown eyes lit up with excitement when she discussed her passions. He couldn’t help but smile at the adorable way her nose crinkled when she laughed. Deep down, he knew he found her more captivating than anyone else in the office, but he would never confess it. She was a decade younger, and he was determined to keep his reputation intact, not wanting his boss to think he was the type to mix business with pleasure. 

"Perfect. Thanks a lot. Make sure to be at her office by 9 am tomorrow," Jack instructed as they reached his car. At last, he could head home, the long ordeal behind him, and the promise of relaxation ahead.

   •─────────•°•❀•°•─────────•

The sensation of his warm breath and tender lips brushing against the sensitive skin of her neck sent a shiver of pleasure through her. His hands glided up her sides, lifting her shirt as they moved. She could feel the quiver of his body, the quickened breaths filled with desire. It was exhilarating, enchanting, almost surreal. As his hands found their way to her breasts, he cradled them gently, lifting his gaze to meet hers as he applied a soft pressure. She let her fingers wander up his sides, tugging at his shirt, silently urging him to keep going. It was hard to grasp the reality of the moment—here she was, on her father's couch, with Brock above her, kissing and exploring her. How could something so forbidden feel so intoxicatingly right? She tried to push the thought away, but it lingered, nagging at her conscience. The guilt of betraying her father weighed on her, but as Brock's lips captured hers, everything else faded into oblivion, leaving just the two of them in a blissful realm where nothing else mattered.

Brock breathed out, “God, I love you,” as he pressed his lips against hers, then trailed down to her neck and collarbone. The gentle flutter of her fingers against his skin ignited a fire within him, urging him to keep going. The taste of her skin awakened an insatiable hunger he couldn't quite articulate; it was as if he had caught a glimpse of paradise, and now he was utterly captivated. It was a euphoric high that pulled him deeper into a whirlwind of raw instincts and longing. He didn’t just desire her; he craved her with every ounce of his being, and no matter how much he savored her, the yearning only intensified. As he showered her stomach with kisses, descending lower and lower, a nagging thought crept in—what would happen when Jack returned? Would they hide away… or end it all? No, he refused to entertain that now. He had vowed to himself to remain anchored in this moment, ensuring that Calleigh felt cherished and secure. 

As Brock reached her lower abdomen, she instinctively hiked her skirt higher, intertwining her fingers in his hair. Her silent invitation was clear—she craved more. A soft gasp escaped her lips as Brock's tongue delicately traced the fabric of her underwear. With a firmer grip on his hair, she encouraged him to keep going. The warmth of his breath against the sheer material sent a thrilling rush through her, igniting a spark deep within her, like the anticipation of an explosion waiting to happen. 

He yearned to gaze at her, to lose himself in the depths of her eyes, witnessing her delight in the moment. His hands, which had lingered on her chest, glided down her abdomen with a gentle, purposeful touch. Gradually, he moved to face her, his gaze locked on hers as he slipped his fingers beneath the fabric of her underwear. He observed her closely as she shut her eyes, relishing the sensation of his caress. Leaning in, he pressed his lips against hers tenderly, murmuring, “Open your eyes.”

Her breath hitched from his request. Hesitating for half a second before she opened her eyes and locked them with his hazel stare. This is what she had wished for, for him to bring her along this walk of desire, to guide her, teach her. His fingers slid carefully through her folds, making her shiver. “Mmm,” she moaned, before her eyes fell shut again. 

Brock moved his lips to her ear, “Princess,” he whispered giving her earlobe a playful soft bite. “Please open your eyes,” he continued. She was so goddamn beautiful, and all he wanted to do was to get lost in her eyes as he brought her to climax. “Look at me,” he begged. His voice hoarse with lust. 

She barely registered that her eyes had fluttered shut; the overwhelming nature of the moment sent her mind into a whirl. “Brock,” she whispered, clutching his wrist, yearning for his touch to continue, to stoke the flames of passion between them. Once more, their gazes collided, and she concentrated on him, reveling in the sensation. It was exhilarating. His eyes, deep with longing and hunger, his breath uneven. “Take me,” she implored, a sense of urgency rising within her, threatening to consume her entirely. Her fingers tightened around Brock's wrist, anchoring herself to the moment. 

Brock leaned closer, their noses almost brushing as he whispered, “Shhh… Princess.” His voice was low and intimate. “I’ve got you,” he murmured, gently inserting a finger into her warmth. “Does that feel good?” he asked, his tone dreamy and entranced. The sensation of her soft walls enveloping him sent waves of desire coursing through his mind. He added another finger, relishing the way her eyes widened with pleasure. “You enjoy that, don’t you?” he groaned, fully immersed in the way her body quivered under his touch. 

Calleigh let out a soft gasp, her body responding to the exquisite sensation of his fingers exploring her, finding a hidden place of ecstasy she had never imagined existed. The warmth of his voice wrapped around her like a gentle embrace, each word igniting a fire within her. She was astonished at how powerful his words were, stirring a longing in her that was almost overwhelming. “Yes,” she breathed, eager to express the depth of her yearning for him. 

He craved her, a desperate longing to be enveloped by her warmth. “I need you, Calleigh,” he breathed against her lips, his fingers exploring that sensitive spot within her, causing her thighs to quiver and her body to quake. Her grip on his wrist tightened, urging him to press deeper. He could feel the tension building inside him, a primal growl escaping his throat. Just as he leaned in to claim her lips, the unmistakable sound of a door unlocking echoed through the living room.

His heart pounds wildly as he bolts upright, quickly checking that his clothes are in place. A surge of nausea and anxiety washes over him when he glances at Calleigh, who is desperately trying to fix her skirt, tucking her shirt into it and fastening her blazer. “Hair,” he murmurs, instinctively raising his hands to his own head to convey his meaning. As Calleigh struggles to smooth her hair, she silently mouths a “Thank you” to him. He exhales deeply, grateful that he had the foresight to lock the door and that neither of them had disrobed. Damn, that was a narrow escape. Way too close for comfort.

Jack bursts out, "Home sweet home!" as he lets his bag thud onto the floor. After his time in the military, he had grown accustomed to traveling light, always opting for a simple bag instead of a suitcase. He never quite grasped the reason behind it. Perhaps it was just a habit he had formed, or maybe it was his way of reconciling with the reality that he was no longer entrenched in a war zone. Yet, every now and then, his PTSD whispered reminders that the battle was far from over.

Calleigh and Brock sat in a tense silence, the tension from their close call with Jack weighing heavily in the air. They were positioned at opposite ends of the couch, with Brock's arms hanging loosely at his sides as he struggled to find the right words. Meanwhile, Calleigh kept her hands in her lap, bracing herself for a confrontation that she knew would never come. A wave of guilt surged through her, difficult to shake off. The situation had spiraled out of control, and even with Jack back, the undeniable attraction she felt for Brock made it nearly impossible to keep her hands to herself. 

Jack's voice sliced through the thick silence. "What? You're not going to give your old man a welcome home hug? You still remember me, right? I wasn't away for that long!" He pressed on, attempting to lighten the mood. Calleigh was likely feeling let down by him once more, and this little quip was all he could come up with. He yearned to mend the bond with his daughter, but he felt lost on how to begin.

Calleigh gradually stood up, frustration bubbling inside her. Great, not only did he enlist Brock to keep an eye on her, effectively setting this whole scenario in motion, but now he had to return home right in the midst of… 

With a measured pace, she approached Jack, allowing him to wrap his arms around her. “It’s nice to be back,” he said, giving her a friendly pat on the back. “I trust Brock was good to you. He didn’t lay down the law too hard, did he?” He quipped, blissfully unaware of the tension hanging in the air. 

Calleigh nearly burst into laughter at her father's comment. He really was something else. Let’s see, he kissed me in the pool, took my virginity in the guest room, and just as you decided to walk in, he was on the verge of giving me an orgasm. How does that sound? Frantically searching for the right words, she cleared her throat. “Yeah, okay,” she stammered. “I’m... I’m going to head to bed,” she said, stretching and feigning a yawn. “I’m tired,” she fibbed before dashing up the stairs and into her room. She had no desire to witness how things would unfold downstairs. 

@nekoannie-chan @ladysif8 @here4thefanfics @rip1009 @late-to-the-party-81

<--------Previous Chapter

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[nicomrade]

On being lost in the Labyrinth; a Souichi Kiruma and Kaoru Yukiide joint analysis.

I've been wanting to write about Souichi for a while now, but Usogui is BIG and DENSE and goes a LOT of places and Souichi (/Hachina Naoki/Hal) has unstable memory and his role in the story varies a lot (sometimes antagonist, deuteragonist, love interest, side-kick, … ) so... To properly talk about this in one coherent, whole way I had to limit my scope by A LOT so I'm going to look at Souichi through the lense of Kaoru Yukiide, the ways they mirror each other, where they differ and what it means for the broader themes of both Souichi's story and Usogui (manga) in general. And try my hardest to stay on topic.

The full piece turned out almost 7k words long so join me for a bit of a journey under the cut! I included as many images as tumblr allowed me to and it's sectioned in 6 parts including the short prologue so it's hopefully not too hard of a read. Cheers! 🐜🐝

0. Prologue

Kaoru Yukiide is a minor antagonist for the 1st part of the Labyrinth gamble (chapters 83 to 104) of Usogui. His active participation feels almost cut abruptly short but this is indicative of the kind of character he is. He’s no Sadakuni and no Vincent Lalo, he’s just Yukkii. But in those 20 chapters he’s given a full inner world and a full character arc. He is a complete character.

He was diagnosed at 12yo with Encephalitis lethargica (“sleepy sickness”) and at 15 he went into a coma. He’s the son of a police official involved in framing innocent people for crimes the wealthy committed, all for the sake of “keeping order”. His father framed his own wife in one of these schemes, and eventually took the blame for a higher-up’s crime himself. This is a duty and fate Kaoru inherited after waking up from his 10 years coma. He’s now the one who frames innocent people and he, too, will shoulder a death penalty for something he didn’t do. This catastrophic loss to Baku not only condemns his life it also made him realize how twisted his actions and his idea of order have been and it triggers another catatonic episode in him. He’s a character who’s been deeply hurt by following along with what his parents taught him was right without questioning it, and when this worldview crumbles, so does he. But his epilogue in chapter 147 is a happy one! Kaoru wakes up, and yes he now has to come to terms with all the harm he’s done and he feels like it would’ve been better if he’d stayed functionally dead, but he has people who care about him and who will help him. You are never truly alone, things can always get better, you CAN break free from your family’s Labyrinth.

I think Kaoru’s generally an easy character to find hope in- as someone who caused immense harm, but who was still a victim of his circumstances and got to have a second chance at life. In-story we have Marco who comments on the two of them being the same and a lot of what I will discuss here will apply in some measure to him too as a mentally ill character with an abusive dad. However, I find he has striking similarities with Souichi’s story specifically, and looking at the two together can help us shine a light on the complicated fate at the heart of Souichi’s character. I realize by using Kaoru as a tool to talk about someone else- a means to an end and not his own person- I’m perpetuating the very workings of his abuse. I’m sorry Yukkii :(

I. Inheritance

Souichi and Kaoru are both successors to their fathers and they were raised to follow in those footsteps. Souichi, as a Kiruma, is a member of a “sinful bloodline” and was always going to be 21st Leader of Kakerou. His dad raised him this way and put him under Eba’s guidance all so he could stand at the top of Kakerou- the ones who make sure the rules are obeyed perfectly.

[1. Vol 37 Ch. 404 Duwang translation 2. Vol. 9 Ch. 93 Easy Going Scans translation]

Kaoru was not strictly raised as a successor in this way but he inherited this vision of order from his dad, one where the ants that step out of line must be killed. Both him and Souichi are sons who took on that very heavy duty to “keep order” after their respective fathers, and they both became orphans from it. Kaoru’s mom was sacrificed by her husband, and then he sacrificed himself too, leaving Kaoru alone when he woke up at 25. Similarly, Souichi’s mom died before he was born and he will lose his father during the course of the story. He was orphaned, too.

This is not to imply that Tatsuki Kiruma (Souichi’s father) had a personality like Yukiide senior. Kaoru’s dad is characterized as borderline abusive, he is refused any real kind of redemption as we don’t even have a first name or a face to put on him during the Paper Labyrinth chapters. He is the shadow that haunts Kaoru, and he is talked about as the origin of this specific worldview. Tatsuki was an odd father but he was not responsible for his wife’s death and he, too, inherited this fate from his own parents. He is not the root cause of Souichi’s ill. Where Kaoru was lied to and manipulated into following in his father’s footsteps, Souichi became leader willingly. This is getting to the impact a heavy family history can have on someone (whether forced onto them or embraced by them) more than any one individual father’s harm.

The impact of that family history is shown in Kaoru with his sleepy sickness that makes him literally absent from his own life at times. It is a way for him to escape from the real world and the responsibilities and ideals pushed on him. I think it’s very meaningful that his big episode was triggered at 15, that’s right into his first year of highschool, soon an adult. And this mental harm is also seen in Souichi and his chronic memory loss. His own timeline is more vague than Kaoru’s but I think it’s fair to estimate Souichi was around 15 during the 1998 flashbacks, which is when he has a significant memory loss episode and also when he receives doctor feedback on this illness. It is first said to be without cause but later confirmed this is a way for him to remain “perfect” at all times, by throwing out the memory of his flaws and resetting himself back to a clean slate. This is how he is coping with this responsibility of being (or becoming) leader of Kakerou. In Kaoru, this weight puts him in a coma and creates a 10 years gap in his memory, for Souichi it will lead to him forgetting a length of 10 years after the Tower of Karma arc. Sounds familiar?

[vol42 Ch 454 Duwang translation]

What they’ve inherited from their fathers is not just this responsibility towards order, it is also more literally a spot where they have to resort to playing rigged games. Kaoru’s routine with the Paper Labyrinth game is revealed in the manga to be nothing more than a well-practiced script. We see a similar resort in Souichi for the Flying Vehicles bet where he simply has Baku’s (Kakerou appointed) men betray him. This way of approaching games goes against how the Usogui manga portrays gamblers. As shown in Drop the Handkerchief when Souichi admits re-using these sort of means for this game would not give him a “perfect victory” and when Baku congratulates him on “gambling” for the first time, a gambler in Usogui is not just someone who participates in gambles. They are a kind of person who is able to cling to a low chance of victory and keep to their unlikely plan the whole way through all because they aspire to something better than they already have. They are moving forward with no certainty of what will come of it because the reward is worth the risk to them. We see it in Kaji’s character arc, first someone who is the perfect prey to various scammers but who is then able to keep to his convictions and win the Contradictions game without killing his opponent.

Souichi and Kaoru are much closer to the Kaji in that 7-Stud Poker gamble (who is totally out of his depth the second things don’t go as he thinks they should, who loses large sums of money without truly registering it’s happening) than to him in his face-off against Floyd Lee. Think of Souichi accepting and then losing the bet with Baku on the Missile Launch for a grandiose sum, or how he hides behind Yakou in the tunnel. Kaoru is a volatile character during his games, incapable of thinking on his feet (he freezes completely when Kaji interrupts him), think of his outbursts against Kaji or Kadokura that he frames as righteous. The two of them are only performing for the sake of rules and order. They aren’t gamblers because they don’t have that thirst for something better, their drives are completely extinct. They have accepted their situation despite the harm it’s causing, all for the “greater good”.

[Vol48 ch523 Duwang translation]

Their common obsession with puzzles (Kaoru’s Labyrinths and Souichi’s Rubik’s Cubes) is part of this drive for rules and keeping order. Chapter 101 gives us this narration: "Upon first glance, the bewilderment and fear of not knowing what lies ahead reminds one of disorder. But, in ancient times, people created and solved these [mazes and puzzles] to acquire the feelings of relief and order." This text is illustrated by a jigsaw puzzle, a sliding block puzzle, Picross, Tetris and, on the next panel, a Labyrinth as Kaoru knows them. This explains the symbolism behind the Labyrinth Gamble for the Police Department (“The Labyrinth [...] doesn't just solve unsolved cases, they are being solved at the hands of the police.") but also for Kaoru himself. This is a way to fulfill his own need for order, and this idea applies to Souichi too. The Rubik’s Cubes give him relief throughout the story with too many appearances to list comprehensively. We see it as a memory exercise (post-memory loss in the Hangman tunnel, chapter 64), as a motif on a childhood T-Shirt (chapter 412), it simply helps him think (he’s seen playing with one at Gakuhito’s, chapter 273), and the imaginary cubes in Drop the Handkerchief. This culminates in the Rubik’s Cube becoming a symbol of Souichi himself as made explicit in chapter 521. By seeing himself reflected in the cube he is made to be the object of his own obsession. Solving the Cube then becomes his urge to “solve himself”. It is dehumanizing and belittling of his own (very real!) mental problems to view himself as a puzzle that exists for the only purpose of being solved- and that CAN be solved at all. What’s the “true ending” of the human mind? This is not something that has any answer or exit. We know that by the end of 2008, Souichi has resetted his memory 138 times. Souichi and Kaoru are trapping themselves in their own Labyrinths here.

[1. vol10 Ch101 Easy Going Scans Translation 2. vol48 ch521 Duwang translation]

In a way, Kaoru IS the Minotaur: a son who was locked away to his Labyrinth where he is fed innocent victims regularly, both victim and executioner, all because of his father’s sins. Along with Souichi, they are two kids who were groomed into taking their father’s place and have shouldered the weight that came with it from a very young age, and this weight has formed cracks in their minds. This is their way of coping with their fate: they stop being fully present in their own lives, they stop wishing for more, and they blame themselves.

II. Worker Ant and Prince Bee

It’s made clear during Kaoru’s breakdown that ultimately, he too, was an ant. In that final moment before losing consciousness he remembers how, as a child, he did not crush the ant that had strayed out of line. He’d tried to guide it back with its peers, but it did not follow and was accidentally killed. I think both Kaoru and Souichi are acting a version of this story on themselves, both as the child and as the ant. They are forcing themselves to stay in line, hurting and killing themselves slowly for “the greater good”.

[both vol10 ch102, easy going scans translation]

Souichi is likened to an insect as well within the story, he’s Hachina (“蜂名”, 蜂 “hachi” meaning bee), the Prince Bee, the Lost Bee, etc. From that shared bug symbolism we have to remember Souichi’s super-organism speech- a kind of organism that necessitates the loss of individuality for the well-being of the hive. Tatsuki brings this concept up to say the Private Funeral Division and the police as a whole are in such an organism, which would include Kaoru too. Even only going by the definition it’s easy to interpret him as in such a place, “just a cog in a machine”, and the same can be said of Souichi. They are both included in the ones losing their individuality to keep the system alive: “Even the Queen will draw her blood or sacrifice her life for the system.”. This self-sacrifice is something Souichi takes pride in: “[He] isn’t even worth an insect”. He rationalizes his own resolve to harm himself (“being prepared to bleed”) as something he is doing right.

[both Vol 24 ch 257 Duwang translation]

This loss of individuality is seen in how Souichi’s identity has been fragmented. He is “Souichi Kiruma” when he is acting as Leader and “Naoki Hachina” for public-facing matters- disregard that the two often overlap as seen in chapter 68. He was taught not to "build too deep a relationship with anyone" (chapter 273), and his memory loss routinely erases the memory of his bonds anyway. He allows his personal history to be rewritten for the sake of Kakerou (accepting that he did not face Baku Madarame but Kaoru Yukiide on April 9th 2001) and lastly he positions himself as non-human in his introductory scene with the Alien Invasion speech. This speech will come back a 2nd time during Air Poker when he gains full control of his memory, it is iconic of Souichi’s character and it is worth looking more deeply into.

[Vol6 Ch55 Duwang translation]

The image evoked here is that of an alien leader, “we” means the alien society as a whole- in this case it’d be Kakerou. Just like in the super-organism speech, he views himself as only one element in something much bigger than himself. This really puts the dehumanization into perspective. He’s a bee, he’s a super-organism, he’s an alien. He’s just barely a name, and not even a face. It takes the manga until the very end of chapter 68- the conclusion of the Hangman gamble- to show us Souichi’s face properly. It is completely obscured during the Alien Invasion scene and the referees do not call him by name. He’s just a faceless leader. He’s so little of a person already, and digging into the alien analogy only furthers this idea.

Alien Invasions as a trope also come with the “take me to your leader” shtick, that IS reflected in the story if we look at who Souichi has directly interacted with in the manga. He’s first introduced outside of flashbacks when he personally comes to the Hangman gamble to see Sadakuni, the leader of a terrorist organization. He gambles with Commissioner Sasaoka during the Tower of Karma arc. He invites Vincent Lalo, leader of Ideal, to meet him. He seeks out and shadows Nobuko during Protoporos, who will be crowned King and is shown as the strongest player on the island. Only then does he seek out a meeting with Baku, after he’s won the Ban and has earned that right. The point is, he only really interacts as a Leader and with other Leaders- it’s from one super-organism to another. He only deals with other people as parts of their own collective, this is the same world view as Kaoru’s with his ants that cannot exist outside of the collective. They both dehumanize others and themselves and this is something they’ve inherited from their fathers (the super-organism speech being started by Tatsuki Kiruma).

The dehumanization inherent to their places is also seen in the shadowy figures that haunt Kaoru and Souichi. Kaoru’s represents the memory of his dad, it tells him what to do and what to think, he looks to it for reassurance. Souichi’s takes the shape of a stretched version of himself that act upon him (as an alien does the human it kidnapped, and like Kaoru does to his ants.) These are two strikingly similar manifestations of the inner workings of their suffering minds. More than that, Souichi and Kaoru’s goal, here, is to fully BECOME that shadowy figure that haunts their psyche. That faceless, nameless existence is representative of what’s already succumbed to the super-organism. It’s something that takes over Kaoru when he gives in to the idea that anything can be justified for the sake of order and it’s the part of Souichi that dictates the memory resets. Their shadow is the part of them that’s “prepared to bleed”. It is the ideal ant. Let it be noted, then, that Kaoru becoming one with his is drawn in the same way as Souichi is when we first see him.

[the shadowy figures. Vol10 Ch98 Easy Going Scans Translation + Vol42 Ch454 Duwang Translation]

[Vol 10 ch98 Easy Going Scans translation + Vol 2 Ch 14 Duwang translation]

This is where the comparison takes its full meaning. It is obvious from Kaoru’s story that he is a victim of his situation; that he was manipulated into taking his father’s place by someone he trusted during his most vulnerable moment. He had just lost all that remained of his family, of course he’ll chase after the only thing he has left of it (his father’s spot in the Labyrinth game). Telling him not to is only making him believe that he had more agency in this decision than he really had. Can we say the same for Souichi?

Compared to Kaoru’s worker ant, Souichi holds much more power and freedom. This is reflected in his family situation being healthier and in him willingly stepping to the Leader role instead of being manipulated into it, as discussed previously. It then begs the question, since Souichi realizes that this is harmful to him, that his very humanity is being taken apart, why doesn’t he leave? Being Leader of Kakerou is not a lifelong duty, his dad retired and became referee almost 10 years before he died. Even without an heir to succeed him, couldn’t Souichi find a way? Is the system really worth all this harm?

III. November 23rd 1998

In 1998 Souichi has a memory loss episode and wonders around, following the instructions Eba gave him to find his way back. During this period he meets Baku Madarame and as per the Prince Bee narration they filled the hole in each others hearts.

[Vol30 Ch323 Duwang Translation]

Baku also gave him a new name- Hal- and generally showed him another way of living. One that is much more chaotic, dangerous, but also much more free. This is his alternative to Kakerou and being assimilated into the super-organism. After some time he gets his hands on the clue that will allow him to meet up with Eba, but before that there is a gamble he decides to take. That is the Russian Roulette Poker game against Fukurou on November 23rd. Souichi- Hal- usurped Baku’s place and decided to take the gamble himself. Despite the common in-story interpretation, this was not a sacrifice he made for Baku (see chapter 455). It is something he did for himself.

The reason he takes that gamble is because he’s a man of rules. He wants to stay by Baku’s side but he can’t just abandon his duty at Kakerou like this, and most importantly, he doesn’t want to make the choice himself. To decide for himself has consequences, it’d mean he, on purpose, betrayed his bloodline. It’d mean he broke the unwritten rule that it is his duty, as a Kiruma, to lead Kakerou. So instead, he turns to leaving his fate to a gamble. If he wins, it would be his sign to forsake his Souichi Kiruma life and stay by Baku’s side, but if he loses Hal would die.

There is a suicidal drive in this. We know Souichi did survive his loss and that the gamble took place in the building owned by Eba; there were preparations in place to facilitate his survival. Despite this, it is my reading that he was truly, fully, prepared to lose his life if he couldn’t keep being Hal- if he had to go back to being Souichi. Regardless of his intent at the time (if he did bet on his survival or not) there is weight to that symbol. Hal- Souichi- put a gun to his head because he yearned for something else, and in chapter 321 as Souichi in 2001 explains that he’ll kill himself if Baku wins Surpassing the Leader, we are then shown a scene from November 23rd of a black-suited man laying on the floor, presumably dead. This was suicide, if not on a literal level, on a symbolic one. It really did “kill Hal”- the only part of him that didn’t belong to Kakerou.

[Vol 30 ch321 Duwang translation. Notice the date on the clock.]

This leaving of things to fate brings us back to the Alien Invasion speech again, but in a flipped perspective of it. Another big part of alien stories is the alien abduction. Its appeal as a trope is the fantasy of being forcefully taken away and changed forever. Now, Souichi would no longer be the alien but the human the aliens act on. It’s an inversion of our original reading of it and it does position Hal in the picture instead. In a way, he has already been “taken away and changed forever” in 1998. His thread to return home was intercepted by Baku (the Prince Bee picture book) and he had to follow him into this new lifestyle. He feels like he “will never be able to become [himself] again” (chapter 321). But the aliens always bring the person back home in the end, and they have to carry on with that memory (and alien abduction stories also come with their share of memory loss, another one of Souichi’s motifs). What I really want to get to here is this duality of the invasion speech. On one hand, Souichi is the Aliens and a part of something greater, and on the other, Hal is the individual being taken away.

[Vol30 Ch321 Duwang translation.]

Souichi will try to escape his fate of being the alien again. During the Lost Bee arc, he has another major memory loss incident and he flees so he can meet with Eba secretly (having forgotten that Eba is now dead). During that escape he meets Baku again and from there the Protoporos arc starts, an arc where Souichi willingly takes on the name of Hal again. He will cling to this identity, seeking out his missing memories (chapter 449 for one exemple), looking for that place outside of Kakerou’s reach once more. Just for a little while, he is indulging in this special permission he is given to be Hal until the Ban ends. Then, the game is over and he has to be Souichi Kiruma again. Hal goes back to the dead, reburied, it’s over, it’s gone.

[vol43 ch469 Duwang translation]

This is also relevant to the end of Air Poker. During the game, he realizes that his systemic erasure of memories under stress will make him lose, that this aim to be perfect has rotted his brain, and that it’s nothing but a pipe dream (chapter 455). He finally accepts the fact that every person is flawed- only to then turn around and decide that therefor he has to try even harder to be perfect. He views his newfound control over his memory, of what he forgets and what he keeps, as proof of his extraordinary being. He thinks that even though no human can, HE can get close to perfection. It’s Icarus building himself a 2nd pair of wax-wings and giving the sun another try. The mythological comparison applies a bit further than that too. Icarus is the son of the architect of the Labyrinth. His father warned him not to fly too low or too high, which is to say not to want too little or too much. Tatsuki taught Souichi that “to be able to enjoy a delicious meal, to feel pain when you see blood, or wanting to avoid being hurt and hurting others" that is the default state of being he should seek. Instead, Souichi embraced his hubris, as discussed this role where he is “prepared to bleed” is something he takes pride in. He is no longer flying to escape the Labyrinth he was put in but to reach the sun itself despite having already fallen into the sea once before. It’s a fool’s errand.

[1. vol42 ch455 Duwang translation and 2.vol46 ch496 Duwang translation]

This contradiction arises from the fact that he did try being human and flawed before! He is not naively refusing to change. He already tried being Hal and he died for it! He died. He has no other option: “A dead person cannot be revived." (chapter 496). There is no alternative for Souichi, yes he is the Prince Bee, yes he is the ruler of the mind-breaking machine, son of the Architect, but he cannot escape his bloodline on his own. No matter his place in the system he cannot win against it. He is powerless to change things for the better as long as he is navigating within its rules.

IV. The Place That You Belong

There is a recurring idea in Usogui (manga) of the place that people belong to. It’s presented as something everyone has, and that as long as they’re there everything will turn out right for them. It’s “the stage that you shine on” (chapter 539), etc. Souichi explains this idea himself in the epilogue. Are you where you’re meant to be? Are you betraying yourself by refusing to stand in the right place?

[vol49 ch539 Duwang translation]

This concept is relevant to every character in Usogui but it’s best illustrated by Baku and Kyara. In Kyara’s fight against Jonglyo it is his bond with Baku that makes him win, the place that he belongs is by Baku’s side (chapter 384). This is why he lost against Marco during the Hangman arc, and never lost again. Baku’s only ever lost the Flying Vehicles bet, which he lost on purpose: he is already at the place that he belongs. This why they are the two characters who “keep on winning” no matter what, because they are following their “correct path”. It is why you want to be where you belong and why you belong there in the first place, because as long as you keep to it you will keep on “winning”.

For Kaoru I think it’s obvious the Labyrinth gamble is NOT where he belongs. As mentioned, he’s gambling while not being a gambler himself and he’s completely out of his depth when things are out of his script. He’s not even fulfilling his wish to “keep order”- he’s never solved a single labyrinth, he’s never saved a single person.

After his failure against Fukurou, Souichi resigns himself to accepting Kakerou as the place he belongs. But is that really true? As discussed, you know you’re on the right path because you keep on winning. In Hangman he had this to say: "A life in which I continue to win forever... I guess that's just my destiny?" (chapter 56) but it’s demonstrably not true! Souichi does lose! He lost his bet for the book in 1998, he lost against Fukurou, he didn’t manage to take over Tipa, and he lost Drop the Handkerchief. If it was his place to be Leader of Kakerou at that time he wouldn't have lost Surpassing the Leader. He isn’t Baku or Kyara. He is not where he belongs.

So if it’s not by Baku’s side and it’s not at the head of Kakerou either, where does Souichi belong, then? There are times that Souichi miraculously “wins”. We see it in Air Poker where he overcomes his memory loss and regains ALL discarded memories, and we see it when he wakes up in the hospital during the epilogue. These miraculous recoveries, I think, are indicative that he was doing something right at those times. The common thread between the two is that Souichi (or Hal) was acting in Baku’s interest without totally disowning his ties with Kakerou. He invites Fukurou to become a referee at the end of Air Poker and he steps up to being Leader again during the epilogue, but in the 1998 flashbacks he was hiding his bloodline and denied knowing what Kakerou was. This blatant lie is the narrative reason that made him lose against Fukurou, and his rejection of ever having been changed by Baku is what made Kakerou wrong for him afterwards. He does not belong anywhere until he stops living these lies. He cannot abandon Kakerou OR Baku, he needs both.

This is the reason Souichi and Kaoru became prey to the Lie-Eater. They were living their respective lies, and so Usogui came and ate them up. “It all began with a small lie” (chapter 535).

[vol6 ch 64 Duwang translation]

Kaoru should’ve died from this defeat after he was made to shoulder Baku’s loss at Surpassing the Leader, but he was saved in extremis by his own mental illness. He fell unconscious and this was judged as “collection on his life” enough for Kadokura so he was spared. He got to wake up in a hospital post-canon, free of this place he did not belong to, and still living. This is also the pattern Souichi follows. It is his mental illness that makes him lose Drop the Handkerchief, his memory loss episode that made him forget about the leap second and that Baku exploited. This defeat at Surpassing the Leader means he is now free of his duty to be Leader, and it allows him to later wake up in the hospital like Kaoru did. He can now be his own person, without any lies, without killing his mind to stay perfect- the very thing he’d tried to do on his own and failed. In a way, wasn’t he saved by his illness, too? And isn’t it their respective flaws that let them become their own person again, that re-humanized them?

In a lesser way this is also reflected in the Referee who presides over the Labyrinth gambles, Yuudai Kadokura. He’s characterized as a man of restraint during the arc. He, too, is obsessed with carrying out his job perfectly and tries his best to contain his emotions. “Please excuse me... Momentarily, I, Kadokura Yuudai, have unintentionally made a face that was a little indiscreet." (chapter 91) and this self-restraint will be lifted after he suffers (and recovers from) brain damage. It’s their mental ill that saved Souichi and Kaoru and that lifted Kadokura’s chains.

Usogui (manga) as a whole has more to say about this idea that it is our flaws that make us human. We see it in the Hangman gamble, when Sadakuni is hanged. He first claims he’s not afraid of death but in his final moments he thrashes and struggles and admits he doesn’t want to die here. Baku comments: “I won't let you die as a monster. You should at least die as a human.” (chapter 66). This explicitly conflates someone’s humanity with this display of desperation. It asks the question, can you accept your own death gracefully and remain human? What is being human but to fight tooth and nails for more out of life? Isn’t being alive inherently grotesque? This is also reflected in the ending of Air Poker in Vincent Lalo’s final, ugly, moment, just to name one other example. We are back to Tatsuki’s definition of what being “normal” is like, and it is this human fear of death and blood that makes the gamble against Commissioner Sasaoka work. Generally, it is the thirst for things that you don’t have and the willingness to fight for them no matter how unsightly you get that makes us truly alive- like a gambler is. This is reflected in the Protoporos arc when Champ chooses to stay on the island because he feels alive for the first time after having gambled with Baku as well as in Kaji’s character arc more broadly.

[Vol7 ch66 Duwang translation + vol38 ch 412 Duwang translation]

For all that Souichi tried to erase his failures and reach perfection he was only making himself less and less human. It’s only when he let his true desires show in Drop the Handkerchief and that he truly fought to “one up” Baku that he started to approach something that rings true. To be human is to be flawed and to accept and remember this, and grow stronger from having tasted defeat. And it is this defeat, that honest and bitter defeat, of Souichi at Drop the Handkerchief that leads to the realization of the Prince Bee story’s happy ending- the Prince Bee Duo rising up.

On a surface level, if Baku had lost again there was no way for him NOT to die this time with how weak we know his body to be (see, the Labyrinth Minotaur game and the Dotty game). But more than that, Souichi had to lose and stop being Leader so he could be himself, so he could stop lying about who he is. He cannot change his bloodline, he cannot stop being a Kiruma, but he cannot stop yearning for something more either. He’s a flawed, weird little guy and he will always be changed from Baku’s presence in his life. This defeat returns his humanity to him and it allows him to reconcile the contradictory positions he was in. He can then embrace that he IS Baku’s ally, and he IS Kakerou, too, and come back as his full self and no longer forced to keep people at arm’s length. That is the true place he belongs, both Leader of Kakerou and Baku’s friend.

[all three are vol49 ch 539, Duwang translation]

Both Souichi and Kaoru had to bear the weight of their fathers’ inheritance so much so that they hurt themselves and lost their very humanity, all to stay somewhere they shouldn’t be. It is their flaws that free them, but it is also the people around them who saved them. It’s Baku speaking up that Kaoru is “pretty much already dead”, it is the summon for Hal to wake up because “if it’s you, it will be alright.”. They woke up knowing people cared for them and sincerely wished for their recoveries. They were accepted fully for who they are, sinful bloodline and flaws and all, and with their curse lifted they can now return that care, too.

→ You are never truly alone, things can always get better, you CAN break free from your family’s Labyrinth. If it is forcing you to harm yourself and is keeping you isolated, then it is not the place that you belong.

[vol 14 ch147 Duwang translation + vol49 ch538 Duwang translation]

V. Conclusion

We see this loose pattern ripple in other characters. Kaji and Marco are grappling with what they’ve inherited from their parents too (namely, abuse) and it is through Baku’s support and help that they could set their minds free from this influence. As symbolic of the turning point where they can truly start to heal is their stay in a hospital (Marco post-Labyrinth gamble, Kaji on bed rest during Protoporos). To truly break free comes with being hurt deeply before becoming anew. It will be different but it will be okay.

The motif of dysfunctional or fragmented families generally runs rampant, most characters with known backstories have some sort of family troubles from our main characters to one-off antagonists (Marco and Kaji as mentioned but also Kyara, Satoru Suteguma, the Yakou twins, Voja, Jonglyo, Mitaka, and so on). Usogui (manga) features a lot of parents who suck absolute ass, yes, but it also more generally touches on the way parents shape their children even in healthier families- think Ranko taking over her dad’s mafia, the sons who’ve never faced consequences because their fathers are powerful, etc.

In light of this, the fact that our protagonist is someone who is seemingly completely devoid of family starts to stand out. We do not get to know anything about Baku’s parents, his childhood, how he was raised, etc, anything from before he was already a well-established gambler within Kakerou. This is very significant in a main protagonist, who we’d usually know a lot more about. It separates him from the weight of inheritance, only he is free of those bonds that tie someone to their family (or lack of it)- for better or for worse.

This feeds into the repeated use in the story of Surpassing the Leader as a way to lose your “bonds”. It’s stated Baku lost that 1st STL bet to get rid of this past that tied him to Hal, when Souichi loses Drop the Handkerchief he escapes his bloodline, and it’s the thing that’s pinned on Yukkii and frees him of his Labyrinth. This is the big “reset” button featured in the story but its point is not to go on with life devoid of relationships and ties to other people. No, Baku does rebuild his bond with Hal, Souichi comes back to Kakerou a healthier man, and the last scene Kaoru sees before falling unconscious is himself as a child holding both his parents’ hands. Loss is always painful but it often cannot be avoided (may it be to break free of an abusive family or a toxic job, or because a loved one dies, etc) and bonds are what shape us. The two ideas coexist. You cannot go on without any attachment to anyone. This is seen in the “planting seeds” imagery of chapter 320, all lives are interwoven and ripple against each other to grow and become something else.

Bonds are also the strength and support you gain from other people, it is how Kyara wins against Jonglyo, and it is Souichi’s parting words in Handkerchief: “It is you who made us stronger.” (chapter 530). Who can ever hope to leave the Labyrinth without Ariadne’s gift of yarn to guide them out? It is the two Bees’ friendship that’s at the core of the picture book, and it is also those relationships between people (good or bad), and love, that’s at the core of Usogui, too. To be loved and to love someone is to be changed.

[Vol 35, ch384, Duwang translation]

[thegeminisage]

star trek update time! last night we watched ds9's "vortex" and "battle lines." mwah. every day i wish tng's pussy could pop like ds9's does.

vortex (ds9):

ANOTHER ODO EPISODE! was i not JUST saying i wish he had more to do

i really really really liked this one...i love that odo has such a strong sense of right and wrong. it would be wrong to take this's guy stone. it would be wrong to release a prisoner he was duty-bound to transport. it would also be wrong to orphan this man's daughter. he has a strict moral code, but it's his own moral code, not starfleet's.

AND it affects the people around him. that guy was totally gonna leave odo for dead and then changed his mind. LOVE that <3

obviously it's sad that this guy is lying, but it's only season 1...AND we got an official species name and a semi-alive stone odo can call "cousin" which is both sad and kind of funny

i liked how when odo wanted answers he went to quark and was threatening and quark was like brushing him off like girl i don't know ANYTHING til he saw odo was serious and then he also got serious. quark isn't always my favorite character bc i dont like the ferengi BUT i DO really like the way he can shift his energy to match the situation instead of remaining rigid - like getting scared when finding out his friends were his game pieces.

some of the alien's digs were sooo mean. my favorite was "THEY (the other changelings) don't keep a humanoid form." really speaks to odo feeling outside of his own community...which means now of course that he's my favoritest specialest little guy. where's that post about star trek characters with autism...he can join the autism gang with spock and data. i think when we get to the end of s1 i'll be ready to do a character rank.

battle lines (ds9):

THIS ONE FUCKED! before getting into the big obvious stuff i actually liked the minor character work it did for bashir - he volunteers to go because "its a slow day 😇" and then proves useful at both flying and repairing the ship, and EVEN got a few rare noncomedic moments in. as much as i love to giggle at this guy i really appreciate they gave him some serious stuff - both wondering if it was ethical to help these people die and then being absolutely disgusted when the folks in question wanted to turn his idea into a weapon for slaughter.

talking to these people is like TALKING TO A WALL. no wonder kira wanted to distance herself from them...and no wonder she recognized herself in them. this whole sitch was practically designed to trigger her ptsd. i love what a great actress she is - she wasn't just crying on cue, she was sobbing with like spit and everything, which is gross, but god damn

more o'brien this episode though imho still not enough. i wanted him to have more stuff to do on ds9. give him something to do!!!

i really really like kai opaka...i'm glad she's not Dead dead but she might as well be. i feel like she's the only kind of person who could get through to those people.

i like where they rolled credits bc it made both of us go DAMN HOLY SHIT aloud but i also wonder what will happen when they go back without the prophet...feels like there'll be hell to pay

TONIGHT, hopefully: tng's "the chase" and ds9's "the storyteller"

[fortpeat]

Hey... How was your day? sorry for disturbing you... My days passed with boredom without fortpeat. No news aren't releasing for their new series. So I have to wait. So I want to ask you. Because you are really hard fan of fortpeat. I think you know many fanfic. Can you tell me where I can read good fanfic of prapai-sky in which sky proposed pai? I really eager to know what kind of preparation for proposing pai. Can you recommend any fanfic? please.

Hey Nonnie 💖☺️

My day was uh good 🫣 it's Indian Independence day and there was this programme and um there was lots of interactions 🤭 so my introvert self was having a bit of trouble keeping up but I am back home (literally escaped more like it 😁) and hun it's no disturbance at all you can ask what you want to.

Now I do know Prapaisky fanfics but the ones where Sky proposes Pai tbh I can't think of one that's caught my attention 🫣 so I can suggest some good fanfics instead and hopefully that could be of help to you 🫣🫣 (now hun please do check the tags before you read the fic so you know it's something that is just your cup of tea and nothing triggering as well)

1. Souls of Fire (now this is a really long fic and a pretty good one if I say so myself ☺️ also there are more sequels to this story and do check this authors other works 😁)

2. Invisible Ladders (yet another long fic with good social media edits and yes happy ending as well, I loved this one as well)

3. Operation Dessert (now this is a one shot and ehmm it's the "what was Sky upto before visiting Prapai in his office in the special episode" do I need to say more 🫣🤭��)

4. A poorly-wired circuit (another fic that I happen to love coz it has my favorite trope - Amnesia - (yess I am so predictable) but this amnesia is just so Prapai coded you can't help but love it 🫣🤭)

5. Up to You (now this is just one hell of a fic and Sky being a total menace and proving that he was born to keep Prapai on his toes)

So I hope you like these and if I just suggested you the fics which you have already read I am sorry hun but these are all I have in my collection 🫣🫣

[lancedoncrimsonwings]

hi I think I know what might be your medical issue?

Long story short I am in a server where you talked about your “mystery” dysautonomia a while back (I was looking for another comment and saw that one) and I have the exact same symptoms, tho slightly milder at their worst. I have hyperadrenic POTS, a rare subtype of POTS where bp goes UP when triggered rather than down and which is caused by an overproduction of stress hormones in the body rather than solely a lack of vein strength or fluid production. I take propranolol for it, because hyperPOTS means chronic high blood pressure and the prop also helps w the heart rate. POTS is also oftentimes comorbid with nerve issues, especially hyperPOTS, since hyperPOTS can oftentimes be caused by stuff like damage to the brain stem. A lot of docs and cardiologists don’t know abt hyperpots cus it was super rare until covid hit, and I only got my diagnosis after seeking out a specialist bc 8 doctors and 2 ER trips had everyone scratching their heads. I’d be fine then I’d stand up and my bp would hit 170/100 and my HR would be 130. I’m sorry you’re dealing with medical issues and sorry for just dropping this in your inbox but I KNOW how scary and frustrating these situations can be. Hopefully this points you in the right direction??? Idk I’m no medical professional but that sounds like what I have.

Hi Anon!

I am personally grateful you did reach out, but I do have to put a statement here that I don't want people to reach out with unsolicited medical advice, please ask if its ok first!

I am happy to openly talk about my disabilities, BUT NOT EVERY DISABLED PERSON IS.

In my case, due to medical gaslighting I have medical PTSD, and sometimes even without it when people give unsolicited advice it can feel like I'm being told I'm not trying hard enough. (In reality, I'm on the losing end of the postcode lottery with a severely underfunded NHS and no ability to go private, with doctors that do not listen or care, whilst struggling alone against these debilitating and life altering symptoms.)

I do not remotely think you are doing that, Anon, and again I'm grateful for your ask, but such is the way I have to put a disclaimer up.

With that out of the way!

I have suspected HyperPOTs for a while, sadly my doctors have no interest in exploring further, they won't do the tests, they won't test my cortisol, they won't look into it, and given they have labelled me histrionic in the past I can't risk pushing more than I have.

I have tried propranolol in the past and sadly didn't get on with it, due to comorbidities, but have general sinus tachycardia (I meet criteria for IST, as my average HR over 24hrs is 99-110, anything over 90 is considered IST but I don't have an official diagnosis of it. My HR does come down to the 70-80s when asleep, but awake its usually over 100bpm. Case in point, its currently 137 and I'm only sat at the desk at work, alone, writing this)

The diagnosed they did give me were Vasovagal syncope and I have occasional episodes of SVT. (Documented) My official Dysautonomia diagnosis (Vasovagal Syncope aside) is "disorders of autonomic nervous system". I mean. Vague and nondescript as it is, it's fairly accurate I suppose.

High cortisol would make sense, given my cPTSD, or some form of adrenal fatigue in general. I do also have MECFS, ADHD, and we suspect EDs- all VERY commonly comorbid conditions with Dysautonomia in general. If I do indeed have Ehlers Danlos syndrome, (in referral stage atm) then this could be the overall cause, connective tissue disease resulting in a general brainstem dysfunction. (Which would explain the nerve problems, the numbness, sporadic muscle weakness, the Non Epileptic Seizures, severe motion sickness, episodes mimic the signs of stroke- potentially silent migranes, etc etc etc etc...)

Causes are great to know, and I wish I had the luxury of even that, but I suppose in the end they still give me little to no hope of treatment given there isn't really any that I'm not already doing, they will never offer me anything else. So long as MS remains ruled out, I'll be happy enough to survive with the mediocrity I get from my doctors.

Hopefully I get some answers one day. I don't imagine I really will, though.

Dysautonomias are awful to deal with and I hope that yours is tolerable, Anon. May you have many low symptom days!

(Sorry if this rambling mess made no sense!)

[subjectively-objective]

Kids Love Stories about the Hopelessness of War! Analyzing Captain Power (Part 3: "The Abyss")

  We open with a destroyed City and a man crawling out of the sewers (I knew they were sewer rebels!)

He sees a weird cube robot with some flashy red lights.

It reminds me of a mouse droid from Star War.

This thing has an odd design. It's close to the ground, so can't easily traverse the city ruins and it has these handlebar looking things. What are they for?

He then gets cornered by a bunch of humans(!) before claiming that he left "for some air." The people living in the bombed-out wasteland of a city seem to doubt this claim, which sucks for him.

So the robot is owned by the humans. Why? If they are living in a bunker and leaving is a bad idea, having a patrol bot that does nothing but shine a red flashlight and get stuck seems counterintuitive. It doesn't seem to have any weapons, and the light doesn't trigger any alarm when it hits the guy. It looks neat, but does nothing to enhance the story and actively opposes the universe of the show. These are the sort of props you make when you have $1 million per episode to burn.

Oh yeah, the scene ends with "The General" pointing a gun at the man and probably shooting him.

One minute. It took one minute before it got too much for the children who would buy their toys.

Aside from not knowing how to appeal to their damn audience, the opening was pretty good. It was short, did some more world-building with the underground bunker and human resistance, and set up an interesting villain. I hope they explain the General's reasons for murder as being something more than "I'm evil" it could really make an interesting third faction in this show of a human society determined to hide from Dread at all costs rather than fight him. All-in-all, it really sold me on the episode so far. I want to know more about this villain and how he ties into the world of the show.

We cut to Power and Hawk receiving a signal (from the soldier earlier) that's on an open channel. Such things can only end badly, so the two decide to follow the plot.

 Headphones are usually used to listen to audio, but apparently not in this universe.

I like how Power got to his station first (cause it's closer) and had to vamp until Hawk got there to synchronize the suit-up. He looks genuinely confused like he forgot what hands are.

The sequence is cool. It has all the flair of a Sentai series without taking a million years.

They then both take off in these hoverbikes. They showed up at the end of the last episode, but I'm talking about them now. They have these suction cup thingies on the side, like training wheels or magnetic connectors. Could these have been repurposed cargo vehicles? Are they fans keeping the bike in the air? Why is Hawk "The Flying One" using one instead of flying?

The sky is purple here.

The next scene goes to Volcania, it is sick as always. Dread is reading the Robible. He is on chapter four, but it starts with "The machine was given unto man." That's weird. You would think a book about robots would open with machines. There is also the matter of the machine being given to man. Not created, given. Are bio-Dreads an alien creation sent to destroy mankind? Or have they deluded themselves into believing humans could never have built them? Either way, I hope this gets expanded upon.

He also says the machine gave "my people" a means to throw off their "bonds of flesh." Two interpretations here. "My people" could refer to fellow machines being freed of their bonds made by the fleshy humans. It could also refer to humans being freed from their flesh (to be digitized I guess). Another interesting bit of growth for the villain. Did the Machine free other machines, or entomb people?

Another big detail here: Dread is reading. He doesn't know this text. He might not be the one in charge of the bio-Dreads. Things like this really help with the world-building, but only if they are paid off. Hopefully it does.

Dread also gets the soldier's unencrypted signal as well. I like the small detail of Dread and Power using different sector measurements (Sector 42 Mark 7 and Sector 14 cross-reference theta).

Dread tells Soaron to investigate. Soaron asks if he should terminate his current task, implying that they do things other than hunt for Power. Small details like this, even when they aren't important do a lot to make the characters feel like they do more than enter stasis until the heroes need to be shot at.

Speaking of being shot at, the human army from earlier shoots at Power and Hawk the moment they land.

We do get a better shot of the bike here. I honestly wasn't expecting it to have a real prop. I thought they were just using the toys like with Hawk's flying.

It's got two guns that look pretty built-in, so repurposed cargo-vessel is out. The front is appropriately bulky, and the back appears to have an engine. I also think there's a steering vain / tail at the very back, but that could just be the set. At this low res, everything looks like goo.

After a brief shootout where Power says they have "40% power" left on their suits, they jump through a window which knocks them both out. So, for the powerscalers out there, 2.5 window leaps > Power's armor at full strength.

After getting window-diffed, they are captured and the general interrogates them.

At first, I thought the general was in denial about the world, believing the military he worked for still existed and needed to charge traitors and spies. I was pleasantly surprised when I was proven right in an unexpected way.

He still thinks the country exists, but there is an added layer of nuance in his speech that implies he knows that everyone's dead. Like he's just using "we wait for the President's orders" as an excuse to stay in hiding and keep everything normal. It's an interesting take with someone who has given up on everyone else, but not themselves, relying on an authority he knows is dead to avoid guilt.

The torture chamber is a pretty boring set. I get that it's an underground bunker, but compare it to the destroyed city from earlier this episode, or the bio-Dread power plant from episode one. I hope we don't spend the whole episode here.

Once again, this is super dark and boring for a kid's show. They outright say that Dread killed Power's dad and that Power and Hawk will be executed. Dark, and it continues this series's trend of being made to sell toys by people who wanted to make a 'real' show. It's kinda sad, because I feel that without the dumb toy tie-ins in every episode, and the 20-minute timeslot, it probably could have been fairly successful. They just needed to decide if it was for pre-pre-teens or post-teens.

This scene is pretty fun. The general completely ignores the colonel to rant about his dumb, unfounded opinion before getting mad that someone disagrees with him. It's just like the real thing. It also is a good way to quickly sell the situation that the general is set in his ways and the colonel is trying to change things.

That's honestly the main thing I've noticed over these two episodes, the show is fast. The first episode I barely noticed it due to the opening being quite long, but this episode really hasn't given any scene time to breathe.

The scenes themselves are good, but they cut together so quickly with no downtime it feels claustrophobic. This show really needed a forty-minute runtime.

I do like their military logo that's barely visible in the background. It's a sword with wings that kinda look like closed eyes or olive branches. Like it's a weapon of peace, virtue, and turning a blind eye to everything it does to the contrary.

Soaron finally finished whatever his mission was and follows the signal. If this show was forty-minutes, I wouldn't have minded five to ten of them being about Soaron's mission. Was it a survey where he was bored the whole time? Was it taking out a rebel unit? Maybe he was cleaning some of the rubble.

The robots make quick work of the military (off-screen though. The only on-screen fight clearly showed the humans taking 0 losses).

This scene is interrupted by the colonel demanding the general orders a retreat. The general comes to terms with what is happening while the colonel takes charge and orders the evacuation.

Once again, a good scene in a vacuum, but I really need a few more minutes to get to know the general to feel this emotional moment. His whole world is crashing around him, and he is realizing it is his fault (though, not really cause its the guy from the opening's fault they were found), but since I've only seen him for eight minutes I don't feel anything for him.

Power goes up to fight the bad guys and wins. Now that I have normal humans to compare the power suits too, I have to ask what it is they do. They obviously provide armor, but it isn't much. One shot in episode one went through Power's suit and injured him, and in this episode one window took out 40% of their charge. Do they make you a better shot? That would make sense, but they haven't had the time to really explain what the suits do other than sell toys.

Another good scene which calls back to the General's rant earlier about "not having any good songs to win the war" Too bad I can't understand what he's saying because the mixing is so bad.

Does anyone have subtitles for this show? I miss out on about a quarter of the dialogue and I'm watching each episode a half-dozen times to take notes.

It was just last episode that we learned that digitizing sucks, so obviously we have to do it again to the crazed general. Kids love torture and horrific pain.

We enter this episode's climatic battle (which your toys can play along with!) and its just as long and boring as the first. This one at least has some choreography as Soaron and Hawk fly around each other to land hits, but the special effects don't do the concept justice.

Okay, I've been wondering how Scout can hologram as a robot and not get spotted and this scene explains it. The robots don't have wireless communication, otherwise they wouldn't have to wave to each other. This means they likely are more man than machine (if they are part human, that isn't confirmed yet).

Power gets shot a lot here. He's kind of weak for being the Master of the Power Suits. That also means that one window > 30 laser blasts.

I didn't notice it earlier, but Power also has a symbol on his suit. It kind of looks like the military one(?), but it's a bird. I guess this is the future Air Force logo. There isn't much to say really, it's a bird (or a person) spreading its wings before a rising (or setting) Sun. Neat, but it's no eyeball angel sword.

That robot tried to run! They can feel fear!? Who programs a fear response into your robots? Unless these robots are former people. Them being people would explain why Dread digitizes people, he needs brains to power his robots.

No, these ones have a robot head. So they are robots who can feel fear. Weird. Or, the human parts aren't in the head. I'm leaning towards them being in the flashy chest. That's why it's a glow from another reality; it's formed from human souls.

The episode ends with Hawk saving power and saying "Thanks." "Heh, What are friends for?" as they fly off into the sunset.

Note to writers: NEVER end your story with a "characters joke to each other as the episode fades to black" is is never good. You want to end on a punchy one-liner? Make it relevant to the story. "What are friends for?" has no bearing on the episode or the characters. It does nothing but remind me I'm watching a show for children. In this instance, you're better off with them riding off in silence as the music swells. Anything else would ruin the tone. 

If you had to have an ending line, have it be something like hoping the soldiers made it out ("I hope we bought them enough time." "We have to hope for a lot of things." or "Hope's all we can do for them," etc.) or a "Took you long enough." "I was taking the scenic route." (this one is still eh as it doesn't mean anything. It's fine to end the scene but absolutely not to end the episode). Make your ending matter; it is often the only thing people remember from your story.

Overall, a pretty decent episode. Keeping up the quality of the first (for good and ill). It has some interesting sci-fi concepts and storylines, some good characters, some good dialogue. I especially liked the general. His actor did a good job, and his scenes carried this episode.

However, it also has rough pacing, bad special effects (good for its time, but not good enough to stand the test of it), and the same identity crisis as before. It tries so hard to be a 'real' show but the forced toy-ins bring it down. This episode faired a little better as the final battle was really the only egregious part and can easily be skipped.

[ao3feed-danganronpa]

Surviving Hopes Peak Hopefully

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/CSyjTK8

by Murasaki_tears

Makoto guide to high school teaching his little sister what to do and what not to do showing her where everything is and giving her small tips of how to do things without getting in trouble and how to deal with things ((these tips might actually work irl)) and spending time with his friends and family even if they annoy him

Words: 1158, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc, Dangan Ronpa Another Episode: Ultra Despair Girls, Super Dangan Ronpa 2, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing

Rating: General Audiences

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: Other

Characters: Naegi Makoto, Naegi Makoto's Parents, Togami Byakuya, Kirigiri Kyouko, Oowada Mondo, Ishimaru Kiyotaka, Fujisaki Chihiro, Asahina Aoi, Naegi Komaru, Fukawa Touko, Genocider Syo | Genocide Jack, Warriors of Hope (Dangan Ronpa), Hinata Hajime, Kamukura Izuru, Komaeda Nagito, Nanami Chiaki, Tsumiki Mikan, Sonia Nevermind, Kuzuryu Fuyuhiko, Pekoyama Peko, Asahina Yuta, Saihara Shuichi, Akamatsu Kaede, Oma Kokichi, Harukawa Maki, Momota Kaito, Yumeno Himiko, Shirogane Tsumugi, Amami Rantaro, Shinguji Korekiyo, Tojo Kirumi, Enoshima Junko, Ikusaba Mukuro

Relationships: Kirigiri Kyoko/Naegi Makoto/Togami Byakuya, Fukawa Touko/Genocider Syo | Genocide Jack/Naegi Komaru, Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito/Nanami Chiaki, Akamatsu Kaede/Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Normal High School, Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Attempt at Humor, Family Bonding, Protective Siblings, Hanging Out, Slice of Life, Family Dinners, Bullying, Confused Naegi Makoto, Tired Hinata Hajime, Kamukura Izuru Has Feelings, Sad Saihara Shuichi, Supportive Akamatsu Kaede, Dork Naegi Makoto, POV Multiple, Hinata Hajime and Kamukura Izuru Are Twins, Jealousy, Sibling Rivalry, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Dinner, Study Date, Awkward Dates, Embarrassment, Shopping Malls, Amusement Parks, Gay Panic, Love Triangles, Love Confessions, Love Letters, Angst and Romance, Family Issues, Trust Issues, Mental Health Issues

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/CSyjTK8

[ask-postcrash-curly]

Heya curlster! Hope you’re ready for another episode of Steven Universe! Hopefully this message won’t get thru at a bad time, ha.

This episode introduces a very important concept! I don’t think any trigger warnings apply? Hopefully I didn’t miss anything….

Without any further ado,

[beams Steven Universe episode 12, Giant Woman, into your head]

Heya! I am!

...Pfft. What's Opal...? I mean, yeah, water is oxygen and hydrogen mashed together. More or less.

Aww. He's so happy about that rock. "Is her talking about me?" Hah.

Haha. Goat.

...Is he singing? Huh. Not bad.

Steven Junior, noooo. What does he mean this is great?? Okay, wait, giant woman— Nevermind.

Why does never getting to see the fusion matter more than getting eaten—? Well. There he goes. Ugh. You're no son of mine...

Whoa.

This is adorable.

...Why is Garnet's hair smoking? Oh. Right. Lava swimming.

Pearl and Amethyst have got some issues to work out, huh?

Nice work to him getting eaten by a bird, jeez...

[dementian]

As I said, I looked forward to reading the discertation and I have much to offer in regards to thoughts so hopefully that will be accetpable, as someone who is an Izzy fan. Consider me an ambassador of the canyon idk.

Trigger warning for talk of suicidal ideation, season 2 spoilers.

It's an astute observation to note that all versions of Izzy can co-exist, and I think that Ed's character arc will possibly have just as much growth as Izzy's in season 2. Frankly, I believe that that is the reason why Ed is going to be able to grow. It's like a plant with a support system, if too tied down it can't flourish and bloom. As both expand, the plant gets a chance to really come into its own.

What we're missing, and what I sorely hope that we'll get for all the fans, is the beginning of Ed and Izzy's relationship. Blackbeard/Ed were the same person at the beginning of the show, but how did Blackbeard come to be? I think once we have that puzzle piece in, alot of Izzy's love for Edward will also be made more clear.

It's also incredibly astute to note that Blackbeard as a mask is taken off once Stede points out that it is, in fact, a mask, and he can remove it. Ed, a little confused, does so but finds he quite likes it. Izzy, on the other hand, never thought that Ed was being bothered by the mask in the first place. The mask is just a part of what they have to deal with. It is, to me, very important to note that Mary Bonnett and Izzy Hands were meant to have several parallels.

So what does Mary say to Stede? Something along the lines of "I don't hate our lives, or at least hate it so much that I want to live on the ocean" along with "I know we never would have chosen one another, not in a million years, but this is who we are and what we've got."

Stede leaving Mary set her free. Thus I propose that "Blackbeard" leaving will set Izzy free.

Izzy, in the first season, freaks out. Frankly, he doesn't want Blackbeard to leave, much like Mary probably wouldn't have wanted Stede to leave if she'd known what he was going to do. What would Mary have done if she'd caught Stede trying to walk out. Would she have fought for him? For her marriage? For her home? When he's gone, she flourishes, but what happened to her the morning she woke up? How did she handle it? I have a feeling she wasn't pleased.

Izzy loves Ed, because to him, Blackbeard is just a mask and Ed is the brilliant sailor and tactician who could survive any obstacle and keep them safe. This life is all they have, and frankly it isn't kind. It's brutal, it's terrifying, and Izzy's life has been in Ed's hands several times. But he trusts Ed implicitely. Even when Ed makes the mistake of Sept 1st, Izzy does not leave the ship.

But at the end of that episode, Izzy was ready to leave the ship. He'd probably have gone back to the Queen Anns Revenge and awaited orders or simply kept the ship going (it's shown he certainly cares more about the crew than Edward does on several occasions), but Ed cannot let him go. Why? Maybe Ed's not entirely too sure. He's just not ready. He needs Izzy to remain just for a bit longer until he gets his footing without the mask.

Is it nice? No. Is it fair? No. Is it human, and understandable? Yes.

But Izzy isn't a crutch, nor is he the support of a plant. He too is a plant, and he too deserves to bloom. He wants to get on with things, to continue their movement, but Ed is now moving in a completly different direction and will not tell him a damn thing. Repeatedly Izzy begs for a plan. Talk to me, tell me something. But Ed can't because frankly Ed doesn't know. He has no idea what's going on, and taht's okay. He's growing. He's learning. But Izzy's not on the same page as them, and as a result they're growing/learning at different speeds. They're not reaching the same conclusions. They're out of step and synch.

And as such, Izzy is losing the love of his life.

So because Ed won't let him leave until he is forcibly removed from the ship, Izzy decides that he's going to do what it takes to set his life back into order and get Edward to a place where they're at the same speed again. He consorts with Jackie and the English to take Stede out.

is it nice? No. Is it fair? No. is it human, and understandable? Yes.

But Edward doesn't see it that way. Because to him, Stede was the light that shown on Edward in the dark. they are now in synch/step, so if IZzy takes out Stede, he's likewise taking out Ed. Izzy is horrified, because he realizes the man he loves no longer loves him back. In season 2, Edward states "I loved you, as best I could" adn frankly that's the point. He did love him as best he could. It just stopped when it came to Stede. Stede loved Mary as best he could. It just wasn't meant to be. And as a result, that breaks Izzy both emotionally and mentally.

So when Edward grieves, and then begins to bloom even more into this new person sans-Stede, Izzy is past the point of reconciliation. He's been forgotten about and cast aside (has he really? no. But that's not where his mind is at). Edward has bloomed, has used him as a crutch, and now to Izzy's mind he's usless to him.

("I've been cleaning up your messes all my life.")

And so when IZzy lets him have it, he really lets him have it. He reminds Ed, very cruelly, that this version of himself is not the man he fell in love with, that he will never respect the man he's become, and that frankly he needs to watch his damn step.

And that's when the mask comes off.

Because the man crying in the silk dressing gown also wasn't Ed. Like Blackbeard, it too was a mask. Izzy didn't know it, because he'd never seen Ed wear it before.

Throughout season 1, Izzy struggles to accept that he's losing the man he loved to yet another mask. The man he admired and respeted for so many years is likewise vanishing, and in its place Izzy doesn't know who Ed is anymore. Like two plants trying to bloom, he's suddenly getting choked out of sunlight, and he grows dark and bitter until he lashes out.

When Ed attacks Izzy in his sleep, he wears yet another mask, adn teh most lethal one yet. The Kraken is not Blackbeard. The Kraken isn't a brilliant tactician, or a good friend, or a man that IZzy can respect and love. All he is, is a monster. It might look a little more familiar than the flowery version, if only that the color of the petals seems darker, but what Izzy realizes very soon is that the Edward he loved is now utterly cut off from him adn gone. He didn't accept Edward was growing so now he gets nothing. What he does get, he better be fucking grateful for. He's as much a prisoner on that ship as Frenchie or Jim, even if he doesn't realize it. Just as Edward couldn't let Izzy leave in Season 1, Blackbeard can't let Izzy leave in season 2. He's not interested in growth. He's interested in Izzy taking off his boot, being a good boy, and getting another toe snipped off. Because that's what he's good for. That's what his role is now.

And the Ed he loved would never do that to him. Not in a million years.

So Izzy confronts this new version, this new mask. Though Fang/Jim/Frenchie all silently plead with him not too. He hits him with the force of a thousand suns, and declares that the new mask is nothing more than a mask. That ed is lovable, because he loves Stede Bonnet. He reaches out for teh man he knows is in there deep down.

Unable to accept that (Because to do so would be to accept that his actions were unwarrented), the Kraken repels IZzy and shoots him. He gets rid of him. He wants no part of him.

("It's a new day. No more drugs, no more booze, and most of all, no more IZzy").

Becasue to the Kraken, Izzy cannot be around if he is remain. Izzy loves Ed. Izzy is proof Ed exists and is lovable. And that terrifies the Kraken, because it threatens his existence.

And so, when Izzy is laid low, the Kraken makes one final attempt. In a battle of wills, he tries to get Izzy to shoot him. Izzy will not. He would rather kill himself than kill the man he loves. Ed is in there somewhere, and he will not abandon him.

And when the Kraken attacks the crew, Izzy somehow scrounges up the courage to get on top deck post-amputation (a feat in and of itself that is insane) and shoots the torch out of his hand. It is not Izzy that "ends" Ed. It's Jim, and for good reason. Izzy could never hurt the Kraken, because it contains the man he loves. Ed.

Ed's going to grow this season, and shed all the masks (or so I hope), and I think that's what we're going to see in the next few episodes. I want Ed to be happy, healthy, and realize that what he did with the Kraken mask was fucking atrocious. He needs to understand that he is accountable to his behavior, but he can apologize and grow. Izzy needs to do the same.

The Kraken pushed Izzy away when Izzy confessed his love, but Ed confirmed that he did love Izzy as best he could. When Ed returns, they will undoutbably have a mountain to work through. Stede will probably help, and once again be the shining light (hopefully on both of them).

But I do truly believe (and I hope that I've conveyed that well here), that Izzy does love Ed, not just Blackbeard. Blackbeard, to my reckoning, was just a mask he wore. Izzy respected that, because it was a mask he helped make.

Because like the thing is for me, Izzy saying that he loves Ed isn't enough. With the caveat that it takes two to tango and that this is a complex situation where blame is not pinned on one person... Izzy already made it really clear that he serves/loves Blackbeard, not Edward. So while Izzy, to Ed's mind, might love him, he only loves Ed for Blackbeard. That's the only thing he sees. The truth of it is deeper than that for Izzy of course, but Izzy made an over threat that that is who he loves, that is who he respects. Combining that with Stede freaking out over Ed not being Blackbeard anymore (even subtly) and that's what Ed is left with. Blackbeard/the Kraken is all that's left. All that anyone cares about. But the part that is Ed...not worth loving.

[littlelesbianintern]

My more in depth thoughts on Grease: Rise of the Pink Ladies ep 8 (1/4?)

CYNTHIA’S COMPULSORY HETROSEXUALITY

Obviously the whole Cynthia/Shy Guy plot is to cover Cynthia’s compulsory heterosexuality and is quite natural given the time period. I think that’s probably the reason behind the dress and makeup this episode as well - as in its shows her outward desire to conform to what’s expected of her and so she tries to copy the other pink ladies.

Lydia’s “you can’t pull that off” line was really interesting to me though because throughout the series it’s already kind of been established that Cynthia and Lydia can have conversations without ever saying anything to each other out loud. So what I think that line actually directly translates into is “I don’t believe you actually like him”. And this triggers Cynthia because she did the dress, the makeup, all of which make her so uncomfortable in order to hide her true character almost like a suit of armour to protect herself but Lydia STILL sees through it and that scares her so she backs herself further into this corner by calling Shy Guy her boyfriend. And that’s why she tries it on with Shy Guy in the kitchen - almost like she’s trying to convince herself that she can like men but when it doesn’t change anything she projects this onto Shy Guy by saying he’s not a “real man”. It’s another defence mechanism, almost like she’s so sure that if he was a “real man” then she would like it so it’s not her fault. The problem is despite her feelings being valid, she hurts those around her in the process.

I also wonder if we’re seeing her story mirroring Shy Guy’s. If the show does goes down this root of Shy Guy also being queer, it would make sense as to why he seems to like Cynthia out of all the girls because of her masc/butch presentation. And why when Cynthia kisses him, he pulls away because maybe he’s realising that he actually doesn’t like her like that either. I also cant stop thinking about that short scene in ep 8 when he’s stood by the car with a few of the thespian guys (all of the thespians are queer and I will die on that hill) but it definitely looks like they’re nodding towards him - as if they kind of recognise him as queer as well (gaydar anyone?). It would be nice if the show took this root because if so, when he and Cynthia hopefully makeup, it would be cool to see some mlm/wlw solidarity.

Obviously it could also be that he’s feeling self-conscious about Cynthia’s comments - the thespian guys don’t fit into the category of stereotypical masculinity and it may be that he’s trying to figure out how to fit into that stereotype and they make him self-conscious. Shy Guy’s whole character arc seems to revolve around masculinity and how he can show that masculinity and the softness that comes more naturally to his character at the same time much like the subplot in ep 7 with his father and the boxing. So for Cynthia to say he’s not a “real man” probably cuts really deep.

I just hope we get everything between Cynthia and Shy Guy resolved in the next two episodes because I need them to go back to being besties.