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ynscrazylife · 4 years

Text

“Just Open Your Pretty Eyes Pt. 2

WANDAVISION SPOILERS!

Request: A part 2 was requested by @enbiesforyoongi of @ateliefloresdaprimavera��s requested Wanda x reader “Just Open Your Pretty Eyes”

Summary: Wanda faces the fact that Westview isn’t all she thought it was after Y/N wakes up from her coma, all her memories of being an Avenger present.

Disclaimer: Because episode 5, we know that Wanda seems to be in control of Westview. In my take on this, I’m going to make it so that Wanda was not aware of what she was doing and isn’t the only one in control of Westview (Hydra will be involved because of the Hydra commercials). This probably won’t actually turn out to be true but since we don’t know, this is what I’m going with!

This picks up directly after the first part.

“What are you talking about?” Wanda asked through a nervous laugh. Win what?

Y/N looked at her, even more confused than her wife (if that was possible). She observed the redhead for a moment. “Did we win the battle . . . With Thanos? Wanda, what are you wearing? And where are we? Where’s everyone else?” She asked, slightly hoping that the battle had gone so well in their favor that Wanda had momentarily forgotten about it.

Wanda looked at her as if she had grown three heads. “I think we should get a doctor . . .” she trailed off, turning to get up from her chair until Y/N sat up.

“No, Wanda . . . We were battling Thanos! After we came back from the blip, remember? We’re Avengers! With Nat, and Steve, and Sam,” she said, desperately, beginning to get concerned. Why didn’t Wanda remember?

She took hold of Wanda’s hands and immediately, the Scarlet Witch blinked, sitting straight up, and gasped as her memories flooded back. “Y-Y/N?” She said, tears brewing in her eyes, and she leapt forward, tackling Y/N in a hug.

“Oh my god. Oh my god. Thanos put you in a coma and Steve took you off the battlefield and we won, Y/N! We beat him . . . and then they transferred you to a hospital in Westview . . . but everything got fuzzy. I started to lose my memory of everything and then they kinda got replaced . . and so did everyone’s in this town and-” Wanda struggled to explain as she held Y/N close, and then gasped. “The Hydra commercials! There were Hydra commercials.”

Wanda leaned back, running a hand over her face. Y/N thought for a moment, having to adjust to all of this new information when the last thing she remembered was Thanos’ abnormally large fist flying into her. “You think they might be involved?” She asked, trying to catch up.

Wanda nodded and helped her out of bed. “They must be! We’ll need to figure that out, but how are you feeling? Are you hurt?” She asked protectively.

Y/N chuckled. “I’m feeling . . . okay. Not in any pain but-”

“You’re not supposed to be awake,” a robotic voice suddenly cut in. It felt like it was on loud. booming speakers - instead there were no speakers in sight.

Wanda and Y/N barley had time to react before Y/N felt an invisible form knock into her and she flew back, slamming against the wall.

“Y/N!” Wanda screamed, beginning to run to the woman as she struggled to sit up, until the ground started to shake and rumble, which stopped her. She began using her powers, aiming at anything and everything but Y/N, trying to hit whatever was causing this.

Y/N flew forward again, face-first into the ground. “Wanda,” she groaned, rolling over. “I think Hydra wants me to be in a coma.”

“If they can erase everyone’s memories and make this fake Westview then how are they struggling to knock you into a coma? Believe me, I’m glad they’re struggling, it just makes no sense,” Wanda attempted to reason, helping Y/N up.

They both managed to exit the hospital and looked outside to see everything changing. The buildings were changing back to modern day and soon, Wanda’s outfit and hair began morphing back to modern day - to the same clothes she wore when she first entered Westview.

“Oh my god,” Y/N said, as they watched, helpless, as all of this happened.

Seconds later, they heard a loud voice over a a megaphone. “WANDA MAXIMOFF, Y/N Y/LN!”

Both women turned around to see Jimmy Woo, with Monica Rambeau and Darcy Lewis, leading a whole bunch of SWORD agents inside.

“Ms. Maximoff, you have been controlling this town ever since the battle of Thanos,” Jimmy said matter-of-factly, disregarding the megaphone as he, Monica, and Darcy approached them. As other Westview civilians began to emerge, the SWORD agents immediately went to them.

“What? No, no . . . I couldn’t have,” Wanda defended herself, confused.

Jimmy looked at her, skeptical. “We’ve been watching you for awhile inside Westview . . . and we know of your ability to rewrite reality,” he pointed out.

Wanda shook her head, struggling to form the right words. Y/N, sensing this, took her wife’s hand and addressed Jimmy.

“I was in a coma during the battle with Thanos and I was in a coma in Westview, too. When I woke up, Wanda didn't remember anything before Westview. I know that. She only remembered when I touched her,” she said.

Jimmy relaxed, but didn't look totally convinced. Beside him, Darcy realized something.

“They’ve been seeing commercials of Hydra-” she said, to which Wanda nodded. “-Hydra could be at fault for this, Jim - can I call you Jim? I’m gonna call you Jim.”

"How could they have the power or resources to manipulate an entire town? Rewrite reality which is what Wanda can do?” Jimmy argued back.

Wanda tensed up as she felt she was being blamed, and Y/N squeezed her hand, hoping to give her comfort and remind her that she wasn’t alone.

Monica seemed to catch on to what Wanda was saying. “Hydra’s used Wanda before . . . Maybe they’re using her again . . . Maybe they forced her to do this and wiped her memory so she didn’t know she was doing it,” she said.

Y/N smiled - someone was on their side! She was quick to add, “We heard a voice, too, after I woke up. It said, ‘You’re not supposed to be awake’.”

Wanda nodded, verifying this.

Darcy bit her lip and stepped forward, harmlessly pushing Jimmy a little bit out of the way. “That raises some questions, then. Why does Hydra want you asleep? Why couldn't they put you in a coma? And when you woke up and everything went back to normal, your touch made Wanda remember . . . How?”

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etherrealoblivion · 4 years

Text

Chapter Seven: Spencerspective

Table Of Contents

Fic summary: Owning a bookstore in downtown D.C. came with its fair share of downsides. You never thought that being the target of a serial killer would be one of them. Luckily, a nice FBI agent by the name of Spencer Reid is assigned to watch over you. What's the worst that could happen?

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

Words: 2,512

MASTERLIST

Spencer didn’t fall asleep for hours. He tried not to keep watching the door, but keeping Y/N safe was more important than rest.

If you're exhausted tomorrow how are you supposed to protect her?

Finally, with that thought in his mind, he let himself succumb to slumber, which was surprisingly easy with Y/N cuddled against him.

After a night of horrible dreams and tossing and turning, he woke up to the wonderful smell of shampoo and flowers. Following his nose and breathing deeply, eyes still closed, he found himself suddenly with a face full of hair.

Spencer yanked back, eyes blowing open.

No. No. No.

It all came back in a rush. She’d gotten closer to him, holding him tighter than anyone had in a long time. And he hadn’t resisted. He’d given in to her so quickly.

It wasn’t like he didn’t like her. He did. Too much. His job was to protect her, not fall in . . . fall for her. Plus, it was taking advantage. She was only getting close to him because he was protecting her. It was a whole reverse Florence Nightingale situation. If they’d met anywhere else, she wouldn’t have given him a second glance.

But now, with her back pressed up against him — a little too much — how could he resist.

He had to. He couldn’t hurt her like that. He was just going to slip out of bed and go back to the floor. Without waking her up. Easy.

“Mm,” she moaned, stretching her spine and snuggling against him tighter.

Oh no. There was no way he could sneak away with one of his arms under her head and the other wrapped tightly around her waist. Not without waking her up.

How had he even gotten into this position? Looking back, it was his fault for pointing out just how large her bed truly was.

Wiggling a bit, she pulled a pillow closer, pushing herself even closer to him.

Now another problem was . . . rising. Literally.

It was a no-win situation. He could slip out of bed, almost definitely waking her up resulting in a potentially huge misunderstanding. Or, she’d wake up before he could leave the bed and certainly feel his. . . .

He had to get up.

As gently as he could, he removed his hand from her waist and slipped the other one out from under her head, placing it softly back on the pillow.

Her whimper at the loss of his warmth was like a dagger through the heart. More than anything, he wished he could jump back in bed with her and comfort her, holding her how he’d wanted to last night. How he’d found himself holding her this morning.

Why are you so crazy for this girl?! You barely know her!

“Spencer?” even with hours of sleep, her voice was still so melodic. If he weren’t so cold without her against him, he would have melted.

“Hey,” he said softly — too softly, get it together, Spencer!

“Is everything okay?” she rubbed her eyes sleepily, adorably.

“Yeah, yeah, I just, um, had to go to the bathroom. I didn’t wanna wake you.”

“What time is it?”

He glanced at the clock on the wall.

“Nearly 1:30.”

“PM?”

“Yeah.”

“Jesus.”

She sat up and blinked, looking at the space on the bed where Spencer had been.

Spencer cleared his throat, drawing her attention back to him.

“What do you want to do today?” He tried to say it casually like he cared more about what they’d do rather than what she wanted to do. It was unclear if that had come across.

“I don’t know,” she wasn’t meeting his eyes. “I kinda wanna go out?”

Spencer froze.

“Go out? Like on a . . .” he trailed off.

“Like a date,” she mumbled, then, quickly: “As a cover, of course. I just think it might be a good distraction.”

But Spencer was already shaking his head fervently.

“It’s too dangerous. In fact, nightclubs are responsible for about 60 percent of rapes and 20 percent of murders. It’s the perfect place to commit most crimes. No one is paying any attention and—“

“Spencer!” she interrupted, “I didn’t mean a nightclub. I mean, seeing you dance sounds amazing but that’s not really my scene. What about like a restaurant?”

“A restaurant?”

He considered it. Respectable restaurants had professional waiters, unlike nightclubs; better security; and, best of all, they were more spaced out, meaning less opportunity for a stranger to get close. He’d have to be on high alert, though.

“I know a great place nearby,” she spoke up, breaking his train of thought.

“I don’t know. . . .” he said, still wary.

“It’s walking distance.”

His mistake was meeting her eyes. She looked so hopeful, so helpless. Oh god, there was a hint of puppy dog eyes. How could he resist?

Seriously, how?

“Okay,” he said, giving in as she let out a little squeak of happiness, heart warming at the sound. “But at the slightest danger, we leave.”

“Yes! Of course!”

“And no alcohol.”

She hesitated for a split second, then sighed.

“Yes, okay.”

“And no dancing,” he added, sliding into the bathroom, leaving the door partially open.

“WHAT!?”

“Hey, it’s almost seven.”

Spencer and Y/N had been slumped on the couch for hours watching old episodes of Doctor Who and arguing about the science of time travel.

“Time doesn’t work that way! It’s like a line.”

“But what if you went back and changed something?”

“No, no, no, you can’t do that because it would have already happened. Like if you in the future traveled to right now, it would happen right now, but since you didn’t just now, then it doesn’t happen in the future. It’s the rules of physics.”

She’d scoffed at that.

“Maybe time doesn’t follow the rules of physics.”

“Okay, speaking as a certified genius with a Ph.D. in Chemistry, you are on dangerous grounds.”

And then she’d thrown a pillow at him, the both of them descending into giggles.

Spencer had almost forgotten why he was there. Why he was really there.

“Oh, yeah. Should we go?”

Y/N laughed derisively, gesturing to her t-shirt and pajama shorts.

“Not like this. Gimme fifteen minutes.”

She jumped up and ran to her bedroom, closing the door.

“Door open!” Spencer reminded her.

She stuck her head out and blew a raspberry but she did leave the door slightly ajar. Not enough that he could see what she was doing, just enough to know that she was safe.

Meanwhile, he rummaged through his bags, trying to find something appropriate to wear. Everything he had was either too casual or way too casual.

Finally settling on a cornflower blue dress shirt, a grey sweater to wear over it, dark slacks, and a jet black tie, he stood, waiting by the door and fidgeting with his sweater so it covered his revolver. He knew it made her nervous and didn’t want to put any stress on her that could be avoided.

The door to her room opened and Spencer’s head shot up. His jaw practically dropped.

Sure, her outfit was dazzling, small sparkly black heels, a short swishy blue dress that was both casual and classy (and happened to match his shirt), and long dangly earrings with little clocks on the ends, but what really got him was the way she was looking at him. Expectantly, patiently.

He realized she was waiting for him to say something.

“You look . . .” he tried so hard to think of a compliment that expressed his awe while remaining professional. “Stunning.”

A smile lit up her face and Spencer’s heart soared.

“You don’t look so bad yourself,” she said, adjusting his tie.

The contact made him jump.

“Ahem, shall we?” he opened the door and held out his elbow for her to take.

“We shall.”

So she took his arm and they set off into the night, locking the door securely behind them.

An hour later, they walked up outside a small bistro, Spencer slightly out of breath.

“When you said walking distance. . . .”

“Three miles is walking distance!” she said defensively.

“For superman!”

“Oh come on! You’re in the FBI, I'm sure you do your fair share of chasing bad guys.”

“I’m an FBI profiler. And while I do enjoy the occasional walk through the park, exercise isn’t exactly my strong suit,” he explained, gesturing to his lanky body.

“Suppose not. Then again, I saw the way you ran after that blue car. I know you’ve got some hidden muscles under all that . . . dork.”

He feigned offense at her remark.

“Pardon me, ma’am, I am a nerd. Very big difference.”

“Mm-hmm. Something only a dork would know,” she laughed, booping his nose and walking into the restaurant, Spencer taking a moment to be shocked before following her.

They got a nice table by the window at her request. It seemed she knew the waiter, calling him by his name and exchanging a brief greeting, introducing Spencer as Doctor Reid.

“Have you been here a lot?”

“No, never, but the waiter here, Tom, works at my regular coffee shop. Barista by day, waiter by night.”

Spencer laughed softly.

Okay, so she’s never been here before, meaning she’s never been here before with a guy, meaning she wanted to take you somewhere special. Meaning she likes y—

“Stop it!” he muttered to himself through gritted teeth.

“Hmm?”

Spencer blushed.

“Oh, nothing. I was just wondering about what to order. I don’t really go to a lot of restaurants, to be honest.”

“Me either,” she smiled softly at him and Spencer found himself smiling back.

“Ready to order, Doctor Reid?” The waiter said, smiling.

“Ladies first,” Spencer said, relishing in the way Y/N smiled at him. This would be a long night.

“ . . . and the whole point of his writing is to experience a whole new idea of life!”

“Did you even read Walden?”

After the food came, a chicken empanada for Spencer and a bowl of pasta for Y/N, the conversation had somehow shifted to a heated discussion of what Henry David Thoreau’s ideals were.

“I’ve read . . . parts.”

Spencer gave her a doubtful look and she sighed.

“I’ve read the Sparknotes.”

“Exactly! His point is to go live in the forest to achieve inner peace. The problem is, as humans, we need society and interactions with others in order to function. I actually had a coworker who had a cabin in the woods and he never mentioned becoming one with nature.”

“Well, maybe he just picked the wrong forest. Like, I couldn’t relax in the Forbidden Forest. It’s all about location.”

“Forbidden Forest?”

“Like from Harry Potter.”

Spencer glanced away.

“You’ve never read Harry Potter?” she said incredulously.

“Nope,” he blushed. “I’ve always preferred—“

“Oh god, please don’t say Twilight.”

“Nooo,” Spencer chuckled, “I was gonna say I prefer Doyle’s works.”

“Oh, I love Doyle!” she said happily. “Everybody always talks about Sherlock Holmes but have you read The Narrative of John Smith? It’s definitely some of his best work.”

Spencer’s mind went haywire. She had brought up his favorite book of all time in casual conversation. Who was this girl?

“Spencer?”

He snapped out of his daydream and looked at the woman in front of him. She was working on two doctorates, she loved Doyle and Doctor Who, she owned a goddamn bookstore, and she walked almost everywhere. How was he not supposed to fall for her?

“Spencer?”

“Yes, yeah, sorry.”

The waiter came up and placed the check next to him.

“For the gentleman.”

Avoiding eye-contact, Spencer took out his wallet to pay.

“Hey!” she swatted his hands away, making him drop his wallet into his lap. “We‘re not leaving yet! What’s the rush?”

This relaxed him a little. His nerves were starting to get to him. C’mon, Spencer, you’re a professional. Get it together.

“There’s no rush!” he quickly recovered. “I was simply checking to see if I had the adequate resources for the evening,” he smiled widely, waggling his eyebrows. But she had frozen, a shocked expression on her face.

“What?” she breathed.

Spencer cocked his head, not understanding her confusion. He was clearly reaching into his wallet for a surprise. What other resources did people keep in their walle—

Then it hit him.

“Oh! Oh, no I meant. . .” he fumbled with his wallet, trying desperately to pull out—

“This!” a shiny golden key. “I, uh, have a surprise planned.” It was extremely hard not to blush, and he was even less sure he was succeeding.

But, upon seeing her face contort into one of excitement, he was reassured.

“Okay! What are you waiting for? Let’s go now!”

And she jumped up, leaving the appropriate change in the check.

“C’mon!” Spencer was about to protest her paying, but she was grabbing his hand and pulling him out of his seat, out of the restaurant.

“Hey, I’m supposed to be surprising you, here!” he protested, stopping her just outside the door.

“Fine, lead the way, Doctor,” she giggled, bowing deeply.

Spencer curtseyed and walked off in the direction they had come, his woman on his arm.

A woman, he corrected himself. Not his.

“So,” Y/N said after a while of walking, “Where are you taking me?”

“It wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you.”

“I don’t like surprises.”

“Ha. You know, statistically, around eighty percent of people who say that, secretly love them.”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed,” she spun around and started to walk backward, maintaining eye contact, “but I’m not exactly a person that most statistics apply to.”

“So you don’t like surprises?”

She frowned.

“Touché.”

Spencer laughed as she spun back around, walking next to him. Their footsteps became a rhythm and they stayed silent for a while, just enjoying each other’s company.

Then, Y/N’s footsteps started to falter, breaking the pattern.

“You ok?” Spencer knew that people favoring the balls of their feet while walking was a sign of anxiety.

Rather than answer verbally, she yanked him down a dark alleyway, pushing against him.

“Y/N?”

She was holding him against her, her own back to the brick wall.

“I’m sorry, Spencer, this isn’t how I wanted it.”

“What are you sor—Mmf—“

A hand snaked around his tie and pulled him down sharply. Their lips met in an instant.

He should have pulled away. He should have stayed professional. He should have done anything but what he did.

Hands flying to the side of her face, he pulled her closer, coaxing open her mouth and moaning softly into it, feeling her hands travel down his waist, running along his belt.

Her lips were so soft. He’d wanted this so bad. And now that she was against him, lips against his, he realized how much he’d needed it. It wasn’t fair to her. He’d deal with that later.

But before he could process anything else, a sudden weight left his hips, her lips left his, and the unmistakable noise of a gunshot rang through the air behind him.

@aperrywilliams @mjloveskids666 @dolanfivsosxox @criesinreid @racerparker @sammypotato67 @lukeskisses @reidcrimes @you-had-me-at-hello-dear @l0ve-0f-my-life @thatsonezesty13 @yourmisosoup @queenofthebees003 @pinkdiamond1016 @eu-solidao

#matthew gray gubler #spencer reid #spencer reid fic #spencer reid x reader #reader insert #fanfic #fanfiction #wattpad #ao3 #criminal minds #fluff #humor #angst

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queerchoicesblog · 5 years

Text

Like Snow (Edge of Extinction, Grace x MC x Anna)

So, here's the fanfic I promised. Warning: it's kinda sad but if you're playing the book it doesn't exactly strike as happy sunshine, right?

I wrote it portraying the POV of the three women (Grace, F!MC Ellen and Anna) so yeah, it's like having 3 fanfics in one xD It takes place immediately after the latest episode and shows how the relationships/bonds evolve between the three women. It's non-canon obviously so feel free to disagree. Hope you enjoy it though!

Disclaimer: all the characters do not belong to me, they're borrowed from @playstoryscape game as well as a few lines of the original book.

Moreover, this fanfic is influenced by my playthrough where Pavel dies in the rescue of the hermit and F!MC gets the new outfit triggering the scene with Grace. There are also references to death, alcohol consumption, grieving and (internalized-ish) homophobia: if you're not comfortable with these issues, please consider skipping this.

Word Count: 2500+

Tag: @storyscaped @storyscapefanficarchive @aestheticsayeed @ghost-of-yuri @andi-the-cat (not sure your yes meant add me so feel free to ignore it in case you're not interested xD) @animus-and-anima

_____________________________

Grace POV

There she is!

The ex-military took a sigh of relief as she spotted Ellen on the other side of the church. She didn't tell anyone where she was heading and an uncomfortable feeling of concern took hold of Grace even if she kept herself busy with chores and checking in on Mari, baby Pavel and everyone else. Now that Ellen was here though it was as if a huge burden was lifted off her chest: too many things went wrong out there not to worry when someone left their sanctuary. Not to make a habit to brace yourself for the worst even after the hermit was successfully cured and part of the crew.

When she was a few steps away, Grace leaned over a pile of boxes and took in Ellen's figure. The Doctor was checking herself in a crooked mirror they found in an abandoned clothes shop in Tromstad. Fine new black boots, jeans that fit perfectly enhancing every curve, well every curve that survived the malnourishment they all experienced. A white top under a gorgeous leather jacket that made her look radiant and tough. Grace found herself staring a bit longer than she probably should have and for once, for so long after all the tragedies that haunted the group of survivors...for the first time after her husband passed away a life ago, she decided not to predict herself for that.

Instead, she allowed herself to break into a grin as she wondered whether she chose those clothes accidentally or because they reminded her of the outfits she used to wear before the world they knew was torn asunder. When they were strangers living miles and miles away and most likely would have never met if it wasn't for that tragedy. A sudden thought made the soldier smile, almost blush: yet if by chance she had walked past her in the street or crossed her path wearing those clothes, she would have made her turn her head to follow such a vision.

"I like the new looks. It suits you" she said after a moment, hoping not to scare the doctor.

Ellen froze for a moment then spun towards her. The look on her face was a bit confused and wary: she wasn't expecting such a comment from Grace or she had no idea how to take that. Luckily, it soon softened into slight amusement as she relaxed. To prove that she meant no harm, Grace crossed her arms and playfully raised an eyebrow, breaking her usual military demeanor: a look not many got to see.

Apparently, Ellen noticed as there was a hint of tease in her voice when she answered:

"Thanks. I...guess I clean up pretty well"

Understatement of the century, Grace noted in her head but Ellen was now looking at her with curiosity, surely trying to figure out what were the soldier's true intentions as she wasn't known for outstanding bonding skills nor frivolous conversation. Realizing that she needed to provide some sort of explanation for such an off character behavior, she cleared her throat and gave a quick smile.

"Noticed you'd wandered off, so I came to check on you. Didn't mean to intrude"

The Doctor looked a bit surprised but was quick to conceal it. She just shrugged and smiled back, gesturing that there was no need for apologies.

Grace gave a polite nod, ready to shift back into her military demeanor...but for some reason she failed. Instead of walking away as she knew she should have done or Ellen probably expected her to do as she was already turning to gather her old clothes scattered on a chair, Grace spoke again. The words that kept haunting her for days dropped out of her mouth before she could stop them.

"I don't know how it's all going to play out when we get there, but I know one thing: we never would have made this far without you"

Ellen froze for a moment then turned: surprise was written all over her face. Grace sighed and continued.

"I wanted you to know we're all grateful. Everyone knows how much the group needs you"

She buried the most compromising part, grateful to her military training that thought her to say less "I" and more "we", the crew, the group when speaking to others. So she hid behind a grateful smile how much she, Grace, the woman underneath the army fatigues she was still wearing needed her, Ellen, the foolish, heroic woman with a medical degree.

"I'd say the same about you"

Of course Ellen wouldn't just accept a compliment: Grace should have known that the resident proved herself to be generous and selfless enough to give it back and appraise her leadership. Typical Ellen, she thought, unable to prevent herself from smiling.

"I know nothing is guaranteed" she added after much internal debate whether to keep the conversation going or retreat before it was too late: feelings are a minefield. "But the future doesn't seem hopeless anymore. A lot of that is because of you and everything you've done"

Yeah, that was a nice way to put it down into words. With a bit of luck, Ellen wouldn't have grasped the hidden layer of meaning of it: Grace had been so secretive and distant, how could she suspect that she had been a light in the dark in so many ways?

F!MC POV

The cold breeze of the night welcomed Ellen as she stepped out of the church. She wrapped her wool scarf around her and took a deep breath. She needed a break: she wasn't able to get back to sleep last night after seeing Anna hurting so bad...but the woman she kissed what sounded like in another life only pushed her away. Again. As her wobbly figure disappeared out of view she laid back in her tent but she had no luck getting back to the safe faraway of dreams. The day kept her busy and the group kept her busy: no new threat was in sight but there was so much to do to properly prepare everyone for the trip. But now she had nothing to keep her from reminiscing Anna's hurtful drunken words.

"Maybe I was wrong to leave Pavel for you. Maybe all of this started because I was unfaithful to him"

"I love you. I just..."

"I know I've made things hard on you lately. But I just keep thinking about Pavel"

Same old story just with a touch of tragedy this time. "I love you but": God knew if it hadn't been a pattern for Ellen. She couldn't count the times she heard this. But now it was the woman, unhappy former athlete who just started to shine again until shit happened and Ellen failed. Devastating despair was in Anna bright eyes as she cradled Pavel's lifeless body and begged her to do something. Ellen was a doctor, right? She could certainly do something to save him. But no, Ellen couldn't. It was too late for that, she could only bury the hatchet and whisper a dying man a comforting lie not even him believe to.

Anna never met her gaze again that day and the day after, shuttering herself in mourning isolation. She had never been the same since that day and the accidental meeting they had last night confirmed it. As much as it hurt, now there was only Pavel and her self-guilt in Anna's mind: no more room for Ellen. The doctor found herself wondering if deep down Anna was angry at her for being so helpless and...unhelpful the day Pavel was shot.

"Long time no see"

A familiar voice brought her back to the real world. It startled Ellen a little before she turned to see Grace giving her a friendly nod from the wall she was sitting on, her rifle at her side.

Ellen was so grateful. It was good not to be alone with her own thoughts on a night like that. She returned the nod and smiled to herself: who better than an ex-military to be her knight in shining armor?

"Did I spook you?" Grace inquired as she moved a bit closer.

"Nah, of course not" Ellen shook her head, hoping to be convincing.

"You sure?"

"Positive, ma'am" Ellen sighed, mocking a salute that she could have sworn made Grace chuckle. "Are you on sentry duty?"

"Yes" the soldier confirmed. "I think we're safe now but lowering our guard now would be inconsiderate. Especially now that Mari gave birth to a baby..."

"Yes, I just checked on them. The little boy is fine and heavenly resting in his mom's arms. Stig is with them now"

For a moment Ellen was jealous of Mari's baby, safe in loving arms and untouched by the dire situation humanity was facing. Just a hopeful little boy offering smiles to everyone.

As realization hit her, she pushed her hands in the pockets of her jeans and exhaled loudly as if to get rid of her own sadness: Grace had too much to keep in check as their leader to be given such an additional burden.

"Anyway...I'll get out of your hair, you're on duty and-"

"You can stay if you want" Grace anticipated her, offering a quick smile.

"-I don't want to bother you"

"I'm a woman, I can multitask pretty well" she commented, teasingly raising an eyebrow.

For some reason, Ellen found the playful gesture seductive and she had to refrain herself from biting her lip when Grace scooped over and patted the seat beside her on the bench.

"Here, join me, Doc"

"You know it's Ellen for you" she said, obliging and taking a seat too.

"My my, when did we become so casual?"

It surprised Ellen to still hear a hint of tease in her voice: Grace was definitely showing a whole new side that day.

"Why, you're really gonna call me Doc, lieutenant?"

"Hey, for your information I am a Captain, not a lieutenant"

"I'm terribly sorry, apologies, ma'am"

The two of them shared a look and chuckled but it was soon clear that the moment was gone. Silence settled back between the two women and Grace resumed her sentry duty. However, she was the first to speak again after some time.

"Hey I...I hope I'm not overstepping but are you okay?"

"As okay as I can be, Captain" Ellen shrugged. "I'm just...concerned about Anna"

Grace nodded, her eyes scanning the surroundings.

"Yes, you mentioned that. I promise I will check on her in the morning and talk to her. But-" she took a pause. "I'm sorry, I know you two are...close"

"Were, were close I guess" the doctor corrected her, grimacing. "I appreciate your concern, Grace, but no need to worry about me. I'm used to this, to unhappy endings"

The Captain furrowed her brows and did her best not to betray too much sympathetic curiosity when she inquired:

"Did you lose a dear one too?"

Ellen shrugged and shifted to sit more comfortably. Then she winced and sighed deeply, enhancing a puff of air.

"Not exactly. I just never was the one women would take a chance on"

Grace shifted to face her.

"What do you mean?"

Ellen met her gaze and gave her a bitter smile.

"I don't have the best record when it comes to relationships. Sure, the medical residency kept me busy enough but even aside from that I guess I'm not 'a keeper'" she shrugged her shoulder and looked into the distance. "Good for a one night stand or a flirt but not for more. The 'love at first sight' in a drunken gay bar night to ghost once you go back to your real life. A girl I had some kind of story with, the no-strings-attached type, dumped me when I asked to go steady then dropped to one knee and proposed to her new partner or so I heard. Last time I checked, they lived in a villa downtown with two Labradors."

Bad idea to go there: reminiscing Tiffany hurt even if the scar she left was quite healed. But Ellen fell hard for that girl, she saw a future with that girl...unlike Tiffany. The upset look on her face when Ellen asked her to be her girlfriend and the smile she had showing an engagement ring to the camera on the social media feed was still like a punch in the stomach. Especially now.

"Once I even got involved with a colleague at the hospital. It ended badly cause well I didn't know she was married" Ellen inhaled sharply and continued. "I-I suppose it's kind of a pattern to me"

Grace looked back to her and the two of them shared a long pained gaze.

Anna POV

Oy Moroz Moroz Oh moroz moroz ne moroz menya ne moroz menya

Usually, long walks never failed to clear Anna's mind and calm her. They always did, before any competition, whenever she was stressed or doubting herself. Now she felt no comfort: she was just walking in melting snow, swaying a bottle of vodka in her hands and singing in a low voice that Russian tune her father used to sing whenever he came home and had a bit too much on the way back.

The demons that had been haunting her couldn't be pacified.

She shut her eyes as another vision appeared. She could have sworn that Pavel's ghost was near...or maybe she was just going insane for good. But she could feel his presence lingering, his voice encouraging her to toughen up, saying she was stronger than this and no matter how hard it looked now, she would have been victorious.

Then she remembered that it was what he used to tell her before every competition so long time ago. He would place his hands on her shoulder and gave her pep talks that usually ended up like "Annushka, stop second-guessing yourself. Go out there and be like ice: strong and shiny in the spotlight cause you're the star. My star".

What he didn't mention is that ice can break too and that's exactly how Anna felt like now: shattered, crushed, in pieces.

Pasha...since that cursed day her days and nights had been a series of nightmares and hurtful visions. One moment she was dancing, gracefully flying in Pasha's arms at their wedding party, happy faces and smiles all around then out of the blue a dark bloodstain would spread on her husband's white shirt as all went dark and Pavel would fall on his knees and begged her to help him, desperately reaching for her.

Anna shook her head and took a long pull from her bottle. There was no way out of this pain, she thought as she kept walking back to the church. Why did Pasha have to change? She always knew he was a believer but lately, after the spread of the lethal virus he became obsessed with God and the book of Apocalypse. He started seeing signs of an approaching Doomsday everywhere and when they managed to survived he convinced himself that they were the Chosen ones, they had a mission and a duty to humanity...all that foolish religious rubbish pushed her away from him. He wasn't the man she married anymore.

Then she met the doctor. Ellen from America: kind, brave, compassionate and rational gorgeous Ellen. She had never questioned her sexuality before, was it even an option? Every woman she knew, family or friend, was happy or pretended to be happy with her husband cause "that's how things go, Anja", her mother cut every objection short once. So she obliged, married her sweetheart but years later from that the day she said yes to him on the altar things changed. He changed, she changed. And some invincible force waltzed her into the arms of a woman, an inconceivable thought till that very day. A bond against nature, an abomination for everyone she knew.

But Ellen's lips were so soft and her hold so comforting that for the first time in ages Anna felt safe.

And it was all gone now.

She had been avoiding Ellen ever since the day Pasha died. Too much pain to face her, when she bumped into her the previous night it was awful: the look of concern and love in her eyes made Anna bleed even more.

Maybe Pavel was right after all. Maybe not about the hermit but about the God punishment talk she predicted him for. And Ellen: she surely wasn't a "witch" but could she deny she had been their downfall? All their issues skyrocketed since she first appeared out of nowhere, a daughter of the snowy Norwegian winter. She separated what God united, as preaches and her grandma would say, and what happened? People started dying, Pavel sank even deeper into his religious madness and eventually died. And Ellen was a doctor, funny enough. The moment she kept gravitating towards the gorgeous stranger, tragedies followed one after another. She accepted the love of the gorgeous woman and her husband got shot dead. Coincidences?

Anna hit her head with a fist as if to get rid of all that poisonous nonsense. No, Ellen told her that this was not what happened, just ghosts of her mind, her sense of guilt and grief speaking but she couldn't think straight anyway. Anymore. The succession of days felt like a hallucination and not even sleep could bring her peace, just the opposite. How can anyone preserve their sanity in a situation like this?

Maybe I should talk to Ellen, whenever I feel I can meet her eyes without crying like the weakling I am now, she considered as the familiar silhouette of the church appeared in sight. She's kind and she said she loves me. I gave her a hard time but maybe we can start over again. Maybe she can help.

She was almost there when she spotted two people sitting in the distance yet not too far to recognize them. She couldn't make out a word of what they were saying but they were certainly Ellen and Grace.

Anna froze in place: lately, she hadn't been around much, mostly hiding in her tent or disappearing for walks and avoiding any kind of interaction with the rest of the group, but last time she checked the two women weren't that close. God, Grace hardly bonded with anyone, she was so busy being the leader and checking everything, organizing their daily routine in the midst of chaos and the journey to the Seed Vault...so how could she be holding Ellen's hand now? Her hand was holding the doctor's one - a hand who once held her close as Ellen's soft lips pressed a kiss on Anna's mouth- and she was saying something that apparently drew a shy smile on Ellen's face. What...what did she say? Why Ellen was smiling and squeezing her hand back? What...what did she miss out?

As the two women shared another smile and broke eye contact to look into the distance still holding hands, Anna stumbled to hide behind a solitary tree.

Even ice can break, she whispered as new tears welled her eyes. I was too slow, took too much time, never be slow Anna, never! Didn't your coaches tell you? Maybe I was so convincing when I begged her to leave me alone.

Tears found their way down her cheeks reddened by alcohol and the chilly gusts of wind that blew like a slap on her face.

Maybe our love was just like snow: beautiful and soft but it melts away when the spring sun starts shining again. Just like snow...

#edge of extinction #grace storyscape #anna storyscape #grace x mc #anna x mc #storyscape #storyscape fanfic

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always-la-belle-epoque · 5 years

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hi what is mash and why do you love it so much because i need to know if i need to love it too thanks

Hello, anon! It took a bit because I wanted to put time into my answers, so here you are!

What Is M*A*S*H:

M*A*S*H is a tv show about doctors/nurses stationed at a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital (M*A*S*H) unit on the frontlines of the Korean War. The show focuses on the medical staff as they desperately try to save the lives of young soldiers. Many of the doctors are draftees and they are faced with trying to cope with the horror of a war they want no part of and that is the absolute antithesis to their professional calling. They fight against death every day, struggle against military bureaucracy, and try to keep their sanity. Often that deep stress is released in humor, practical jokes, and wildly unmilitary antics, but the true costs and realities of war are never treated lightly. I’ve never seen another show that can make me laugh so hard and then turn on a dime to make me cry just as deeply a second later. The show is a beautiful examination of human nature, heart, found family, loss, helplessness, despair, exhaustion, humanity, and hope,.

M*A*S*H ran for 11 years, from 1972-1983 and the finale, Goodbye, Farewell and Amen, is still the most-watched television broadcast in history (the NYC sewer nearly faced collapse because people would all flush the toilet at the same time during commercials, and the streets were totally empty of cars as over half the country, 150+ mil people, watched the finale live together all at the same time. Can you imagine?!). Plus, it’s been in continuous syndication for 45 years which is impressive. M*A*S*H is for all generations, it resonates far beyond the era in which it was made, or which it was made about.

Why Do I Love M*A*S*H So Much (in general):

I don’t think there is another show out there in the history of the world that has written such narratively wonderful, deeply moving character arcs. I don’t know if there’s another show out there where the characters grow so much from their relationships with one another. Or a show that depicts masculinity in such a healthy, tender way. It is normal on M*A*S*H for male characters to: Cry. Hug. Tuck each other in. Hold hands. Perform emotional labor. Actively listen. Dance together. Sleep with teddy bears (and not have it be a joke). Admit they were wrong. Change and grow from being wrong. Etc, etc.

And while Major Margaret Houlihan is the only female lead, her character arc is the most beautiful of any character I have ever watched or read. The show doesn’t start out particularly feminist, but it definitely ends that way (both male and female characters evolve here and it’s wonderful). And if more tv shows had characters half as complex as Margaret Houlihan, tv would be a whole lot more interesting, and women would be a whole lot farther along toward equality, imo.

Why Do I Love M*A*S*H So Much (the personal):

I was 15 or 16 when I started watching M*A*S*H. I was going through a very dark time in my home life. But my Mom would usually have M*A*S*H on while making dinner or just after. It was their weird time of day where it seemed like a truce between us. Sometimes I’d even sit all 5’8 of my gangly teenage body on her lap and we’d just watch like that with her arms around me (which given that things were darkly terrible the rest of the time it was like being a small kid again in a way I really needed). We’d talk about the characters. We’d talk about the stories. We both loved Margaret Houlihan (it’s interesting that Margaret has the most valuable traits I learned from my Mom - things I like most about her and am grateful she taught me despite all the bad stuff).

Soon I was racing home after school and jamming in a blank VHS so that I could record each ep. I’d cross reference between tv guide and IMDB to try to see if any eps that I hadn’t seen yet would be on so I could record them for my collection. I made an elaborate cataloging system because they weren’t shown in order! And some eps were shown only rarely!! (I’m only 28, it amazes me that this was how things were not that long ago lol).

Anyway, the DVD box set came out and I saved up alllllll my $ for it. Thank goodness, because then I got sick and for a few years the M*A*S*H characters were the most consistent and truest friends I had. The show is deeply personal for me. I can watch it over, and over, and over. It makes me laugh, and weep, and cheer. It’s like having friends. Like having family.

Should You Love M*A*S*H too?

I want you to love M*A*S*H. I want everyone to love M*A*S*H! And M*A*S*H holds up. It’s still radically progressive. It’s still - in this time where North Korea is a frequent headline, where we have a government we do not trust, in a world where we have been at war since 2001 - deeply relevant.

Here’s the thing though: it was made in the 70s, about events in the 1950s, and this is 2019 tumblr-land. You’ve all read the roasts about lack of critical thinking skills on this website and ability to contextualize, and those posts are unfortunately not wrong. And the world has changed - and changed for even better than what was, at the time, truly radical! Even terms that were the liberal, pc term in the 70s have changed now and are not liberal or pc anymore which for the 2019 watcher might raise eyebrows. But the show is extremely pointed about calling out racism, homophobia, sexism, military fetishism, colonization, etc. I think maybe the only other show I can think of that goes so hard at dogged and relentless political call outs would be One Day at a Time. So I feel protective of M*A*S*H because in 50 years maybe we will look back at ODaaT and say yikes about certain things, though that feels crazy to say now.

If you do want to watch, here’s my advice (pull down your pants and slide on the ice (sorry, omg M*A*S*H jokeee)):

Do not start with S1. Start with S4, or S5 even. For one thing, there are some cast changes at the start of S4 so you get intro-ed to everyone again in “Welcome to Korea pt 1 & 2” and “Change of Command.” It’s a really good starting point to see a lot of characters on the brink of change. Don’t get me wrong, I still really love S1-3 but the characters haven’t grown yet. I love going back because I know them so well, but if you’re just meeting them, I recommend getting to know them in the middle of their journey, watch them evolve, and then go back and see where they started. And I think Col. Potter/BJ really elevated the tone of the show.

Because M*A*S*H is an older tv show, most people who love M*A*S*H never watched the show in order because we could only watched it in syndication! And you don’t really need to watch in order! In fact, CBS had the final call for episode order so sometimes even the air order is different than the writing, filming, intended order. Also, because they had 11 years of content over a 3 years of war, the show itself isn’t chronological. Due to probability (there are just more Potter/BJ eps) I saw more S4+ eps when I was first watching the show so again that’s my newbie preference. Now that it’s on Hulu (and remastered OMG) it might be tempting to watch in order, but really do recommend skipping around or at least starting later in for sure. You’ll learn context as you go (recs below). Then once you get the characters and their arcs it’s suuuuper fascinating to watch in order.

Fight me: Is everyone bisexual on this show??! Yes, yes they are. This is where I go full 2019 tumblr-brain, lol, but looking back I think it’s one of the reasons I loved it before I understood myself. It’s gentle, tender, pretty wavy. Alan Alda’s Hawkeye Pierce is, like, arguably canonically bi, like I even wonder if he was intentionally written/played that way on the dl. It’s pretty blatant?? And don’t even get me started on Margaret Houlihan. Godddddddd.

On that note, and maybe you will fall over, but Margaret and Hawkeye are my actual, #1, forever OTP. Which is weird for you, dear readers, I’m sure, as I run a v strict wlw blog and I’m very proud about that. But broken people who heal and change and grow because of the other is my tea, jam, and bread (”crackers and jam! too bad!” ;) ), and so far the writing of other characters and relationships hasn’t a hope of even coming into the range of depth these characters have (obvs not just wlw ships, all other mlw ships are The Worst as well, we’re all doomed, why does tv suck). But anyway, I would take them over any ship any day of the week goombye (but also….shipping Margaret is kinda like….not the point of Margaret Houlihan).

It’s worth noting that M*A*S*H has a character named Maxwell Klinger who wears a dress to try to get out of the army via a Section 8 (previously known as a “psycho”) discharge (remember lgbtq was still classified as a mental illness, smh). Obviously, this is potentially triggering. And, obviously, not okay in today’s world. To me the show does call out that it is the policies/laws/politics that are crazy, not Klinger. I think there are still some fairly modern ideas in his portrayal in that anyone who treats him like he is crazy, or is disrespectful, is very pointedly shown to be bigoted/an antagonist. Klinger is excellent at his job, brave, loyal, true, and that’s all anyone who is a protagonist cares about (and I do think they try to show to the extend they could during the time it aired that even if Klinger were not doing it for a discharge, they would respond the same way). Fwif, imo, Klinger isn’t played as a one note joke for wearing dresses, in fact, to an extent, he does wear them utterly sincerely. He loves, deeply loves, clothes and fashion because loving something gives him something to live for. It becomes his passion, not a gag. The gag is that Klinger will do anything to get out of the war through any available loophole he hears about (having an imaginary pet camel, eating 10 sausages in a single day, eating a jeep, trying to get into West Point aka join the military to get out of the military), etc. His comrades in arms treat him very sincerely and are very protective. Early on, a jeep comes in with wounded and Radar pulls Klinger away from the blood, “careful, you’ll get your dress dirty” in the most serious, sweet way. Col Potter is always very serious and sincere about telling Klinger when one of his dresses is a fav, and Klinger positively glows. When Klinger has to trade his dress collection to local women in exchange for shelter for the wounded during a bug out, Col. Potter, regular army in his 3rd war, tells Klinger (who is in tears) that it’s the finest act of bravery he has ever seen (and he means it). When Margaret desperately wants to look pretty and Klinger pulls out one of his best frocks and helps her dress in it - Margaret who grew up in combat boots wanting a crew cut - it’s pretty emotional (and I bawl when he gives her the wedding dress, goddd). As for Klinger himself, he’s one of my favorite characters. He has the biggest heart and I love him (and yes, I might feel differently if I had a different life experience than I do - that is why I’m flagging this as something that might not be for everyone, or might be trigger - because history already is triggering, and not everyone might be as moved by him as I am).

If you’re a 30 Rock fan you will know the star Alan Alda as Milton Greeen, Jack Donaghy’s father, and if you love Beauty and the Beast you will know that the actor who voiced Cogsworth is a major (lol pun) character in S6-11! But that’s all crazy to me because they are always M*A*S*H, first and forever, and always in my mind! I can’t believe they’re all in their 80s now, or that so many of them have passed. :( They are truly my whole heart, my family, my home.

If you do want to watch, recommend you start with the following eps (omg this list is long but it feels so short):

Welcome to Korea pt 1 + 2 (s4)

Change of Command (s4)

Aid Station (s3)

Death Takes a Holiday (s9)

Carry on, Hawkeye (s2)

Bug Out pt 1 + 2 (s5)

Dear Sigmund (s5)

Period of Adjustment (s8) *my first ep ever :,)

The Bus (s4)

Sometimes You Hear the Bullet (s1)

Tuttle (s1)

Crisis (s2)

O.R. (s3)

5 O'Clock Charlie (s2)

The Nurses (s5)

The Interview (s4)

Movie Tonight (s5)

Abyssinia, Henry (s3)

Hepatitis (s5)

Your Hit Parade (s6)

Peace on Us (s7)

Eye for a Tooth (s7)

Old Soldiers (s8)

Life Time (s8)

Stars and Stripes (s8)

Hey, Look Me Over (s11)

There’s a million more things I could say about the show. I feel like I haven’t summarized it justly. If anyone wants to chime in with why they love M*A*S*H, what your fav ep is, etc, please do :)

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calliecat93 · 5 years

Text

You know, every time I get ready to write these reviews I think ‘oh God, how am I gonna type all of this out?!”. There is so much to say. So much to go over. It’s like that with every review I’ve done, but for this volume? God… I am at a loss every single time. There’s so many conflicting things going on. So much where I have an opinion on practically everything. Differing views about everything. Where I can see both the right and wrong in every action that the characters take.

RWBY has grown more and more complex over the years, but this volume? It takes the cake. The last chapter has so much of… everything that watching it again still gives me chills. So… how will the follow-up go? Going off what I already said, you can probably guess: tense as Hell. So let’s get on with it.

Review

Things are at an all-time low. Ironwood has banned public gatherings in Mantle. Curfews have been put in place. Everyone is utterly terrified and despite Atlas saying that the footage was doctored, they are calling for Penny to be deactivated. With Atlas becoming even more strict and her no longer able to get on the council, Robyn and her Happy Huntresses have gone full-on vigilante and are robbing the military for everything that they’ve got. We get to see their Semblances though, wth May being able to create an invisibility dome and Fiona (THE SHEEP LIVES!) having some kind of pocket dimension ability. Kinda reminds me of Miroku’s Wind Tunnel in Inuyasha, awesome!

Needless to say, Ironwood is nooooot happy right now. With the stolen resources and Mantle no longer cooperating, Amity has been at a standstill. It is at the point that he and Winter are strongly considering enacting Martial Law on the city, much to the shock of both Ruby and Nora. Well… for Nora, shock isn’t the right word. No, no.. she is enraged. She angrily rebukes Ironwood when he says that he knows that Mantle is taking the brunt of the sacrifices, pointing out that no, they’re taking all of it. They’re suffering, scared, and being forced to fall in line all because of this waiting game, and all it’s going to do is make them easy targets for the Grimm. I don’t think we’ve ever seen Nora this enraged before, so… yeah… wow…

Ruby, much more calmly, tries to convince Ironwood that his actions are only causing the division that Salem wants. But it’s derailed as the reason that they are Ren are there is to confirm that it was indeed Tyrian there. Which we learn that he is a wanted serial killer who was caught, but escaped when his prison transport was attacked by the Grimm. Which we all know where he ended up after. Ruby wants to tell the people, but Clover says no since it’ll only cause even more panic, which is why Ironwood refuses to talk about Amity or Salem yet. His orders for now? For Robyn to be arrested in order to get Amity back on track/Mantle’s cooperation, and anyone not doing that will be assigned to finding Tyrian. He asks if he’s made himself clear, which is acknowledged by Clover, WInter… and to the shock of Ruby and Nora, Ren.

Later in Mantle, Blake and Yang are with Ace-Ops on tracking down Robyn though in a different van. This gives them time to talk about the recent events. Yang still believes that they should have told Ironwood the truth from the start since he deserved to know, but Blake still believes that it was best to hold back especially since it’s now proven that he tends to overreact to bad news. But Blake is pretty worn down about their actions in the name of doing the right thing, and not just with Atlas. They don’t outright say it out loud, but it’s clear that she’s referring to Adam. Even when Yang reminds her that they had no choice, Blake is still worried about it coming down to that again and isn’t exactly looking forward to arresting a Huntress who is only trying to do good… at least, until Yang proposes that they don’t have to.

Meanwhile in Atlas, Pietro has Penny hooked up and is working to get the footage that she recorded to prove her innocence, though even he doubts that it’ll do any good now. Ruby and Weiss are there… as is Maria, who has been helping Pietro with his work. FINALLY SHE IS BACK! Pietro is understandably upset about his daughter being framed and viewed as a murderer, especially since Robyn would have been killed had Penny not been there. Ruby, however, suspects that Tyrian never intended to kill Robyn and that framing Penny was exactly what they wanted. They wanted to use Penny to send a message of division, just like at the Vytal Festival. Pietro has realized that the same person who caused the events then is likely the one doing it now, though with Atlas’ code updated it should be safe. Though since the SDC is one of the ones with access, Weiss isn’t so certain and even more suspicious of her father’s involvement.

But hey, if worst comes to worst, Pietro can just rebuild Penny again, right? Well… not exactly. You know how Penny said in V2 that she’s the first robot to be able to generate an Aura? Well… there’s a reason for this. Pietro reveals his Aura… and there are two noticeable chunks missing. That’s right, Pietro gave us parts of his own Aura, his own soul, to create Penny. We find out how back in his youth, he and his colleagues proposed their own projects to Ironwood, and his was selected. He wanted to create a protector with a soul, and thus The Penny Project came to be. But the more times that Pennyisi destroyed, the more that it takes from Pietro and he may not be able to do so again if Mantle gets their way. Something that very understandably has him scared and distraught. Ruby swears to find the man responsible… as Pietro puts down a photo that he has of himself and his colleagues. Including a certain disgraced scientist…

Back in Mantle, Robyn and her gang start to rob another truck.. But it’s the one with Blake and Yang. They start to try and talk to her, but Robyn and her team run for it. They give chase, eventually leading to a clash between the Bees and Robyn. It’s not exactly a spectacular fight, but a nice and short one that further shows the Bees teamwork as well as their own capabilities, and especially Robyn’s own skill as a Huntress. They do eventually convince her to listen though, revealing the purpose of Amity being reconfigured to re-establish communication. To see if it’s true, Robyn has Blake take her hand where we discover Robyn’s Semblance: Lie Detection. Wow, the theories were true. Robyn is surprised to realize that Blake is indeed being honest and confused about why Ironwood would keep that a secret. She wants to know what else is going on and who the actual villains are, but the Bees aren’t ready to reveal anything more. The Ace-Ops are nearing the area so Robyn flees, swearing that nothing is going to stop her until she knows the truth.

We cut back to Atlas Academy... and into the Vault where Ironwood has taken Oscar in hopes of jigging up some Oz memories. Behind the door is the Staff of Creation, which we learn is pretty much some kind of endless energy generator. In fact, it is the reason why Atlas is floating in the sky, an idea made by Oz, and not Gravity Dust which was the cover story, However, the Staff can only be used on one thing at a time, hence why they can’t use it on Amity since… well…that would cause some devastating issues for Atlas, to put it simply. It’s certainly strange for Oscar. To see something that a part of him helped create, even though he himself didn’t do so. But Ironwood says that he’ll get used to it and eventually won’t even be able to tell the difference anymore. Something that Oscar doesn’t exactly look happy about, though at least he takes it better than he has in the past.

But instead of pondering on his identity issues, Oscar instead tries to talk to Ironwood about the path that he’s currently heading down. How he keeps trying to be the one with all the answers. The one where he does everything to do what he feels is right, even if it means crossing several moral lines. Essentially, Ironwood is trying to be Oz, and we all know how that went for him. But Ironwood feels that there is no other choice. Allt hat matters is stopping Salem, though Oscar rebukes that preserving their humanity, the thing that Salem threw away, matters even more. But Ironwood isn’t so sure, even wondering if that’s Salem’s greatest strength. Can she feel fear? Hesitant? Helpless? The same things that Ironwood felt at Vale. When he saw his forces be taken over, with him unable to do anything. How even with all of his forces, he could do nothing. We even see him flashback to seeing the Queen Virus appear on his screen back then. It’s… pretty damning.

Oscar tells Ironwood that it’s okay to feel these things. Even fear. You just can’t let it control you. Ironwood however only swears that he won’t end up like Lionheart did and asks Oscar if he believes in him. Oscar says yes… but not /only/ on him, encouraging him to talk to the people he’s afraid to. The two take the elevator up, only to find an anxious Penny and Winter. The latter gives Ironwood a letter… from her father. Turns out, they’ve all been invited to the Schnee Manor for dinner. One where Ironwood will be defending his seat on the council, Jaques first act as the newest Councilman.

Review

So… not quite as evil as last week, but still a very tense ride. You can cut the tension with a butterknife at this point. Everything is building up, and I imagine that the downfall won’t be pleasant.

We’re going to talk about where RWBYJNRO stand respectively. Let’s start with JNR. SInce Jaune isn’t in the episode it’s hard to gauge where he stands currently, though going off the past few chapters I imagine that he’s in the middle of Ren and Nora, but leaning towards Nora. The Renora duo though? Ho boy… they’ve never been more divided. It’s been clear since Chapter One where Nora stands. She is completely disapproving of the treatment of Mantle, and it and the secrets have her nearing a breaking point. And she’s totally right. Mantle is bearing all of the burdens, all of the sacrifices, and they don’t even know why. They don’t deserve this. Considering how we know that she was a street urchin, having to steal food and be mercilessly bullied by others when she ended up in Kuroyuri, it makes perfect sense for Nora to be this way. But it also makes sense why Ren is how he is. I don’t approve of him siding with Ironwood… but I understand why. After all, lack of any security and protection is what caused his village and family to be slaughtered. No, I don’t view Ren as a boot-licker and IDT he’s particularly happy about any of this. But he’s so focused on the what-ifs over the now, and it’s messing with him. Tyrian’s massacre, an event that he got distracted from detecting due to kissing Nora, doesn’t help.

I just feel so horrible for both of them. I am glad to see it though. For the longest time, Ren and Nora have differed but generally, they had little conflict between them despite their varying different personalities. It’s sweet to see, but they aren’t the same person. Ren is reserved and quiet, Nora is outgoing and bubbly. Ren is the Straight Man of the group, while Nora is the Genki Girl. Ren had a family that he lost, while Nora had no one until Ren came along (that we know of anyways). Ren’s Semblance involves masking emotions, while Nora’s involves absorbing energy. They are both very different people, but they love each other and always supported each other. But now they’re at an impasse. Nora is against Mantle’s mistreatment no matter the reason, while Ren sees it as a necessary evil to protect everyone and appears fully on board with it. And Ren seems even more closed off as ever since he didn’t even talk or express anything until siding with Ironwood’s orders, while Nora made her stance and feelings very clear with Ruby backing her. IDK where this is going to lead, but it shows that the kiss didn’t just magically fix their problems. Which is good, but it makes it all the more painful as we see the division grow between them.

Then we get to the RWBY girls. So let’s discuss Blake and Yang’s decisions here. For the most part, I agree with them. Robyn is only trying to do what’s right for Mantle. Sure she’s robbed military vehicles, but so far that’s the only morally ambiguous thing that she’s done, and she has a pretty valid reason for it. Trying to talk and work with Robyn is a much better option than opposing her and furthering the divide. It’s also good to see that the two have differing opinions on Ruby’s lie, with Yang still trusting Ruby but still feeling that Ironwood should know, while Blake feels that it could have caused much worse and in that regard is still on the same page as Ruby. They discussed it maturely and while again they don’t outright say it, it’s good to see that Blake does still have lingering issues from killing Adam despite knowing that she had to. It makes sense that she doesn’t want to arrest Robyn since… well, a Huntress doing morally ambiguous things to help the oppressed. Yeah, she fully understands that. And Yang has always kinda been anti-authority and is clearly against secrets especially towards those who deserve to know it (though it further makes her hiding Ravens Maiden identity very bad on her part), so of course she’d be on board with Robyn.

But… I can’t say that this was the right thing to do. First of all, they don’t know anything about Robyn. Yes, it’s clear that she does indeed care about Mantle. We also do see here that while she’s still upset about what happened before, she isn’t unreasonable. She does listen, and once she sees that Blake was telling the truth, accepts it. But of course, we see that she’s Hellbent on knowing the full truth and finding out who actually did this. We don’t know if she’s going to give the Bees her trust. We don’t know what she’ll do with this information. Maybe she’ll be swayed, maybe she won’t. She knows that Atlas has reasons… but they’re still oppressing Mantle instead of just being open about it. And if she does find out about Salem, there’s no telling what she’ll do. Robyn isn’t a bad person, but she is certianly not afraid of breaking the law and while IDT she’d harm innocents, there’s no telling how far he’ll go to get answers. There just isn’t a lot known about Robyn and while I think it is right to reach out to her, IDK if doing so without talking to Ironwood or the rest of the team was a good idea.

This brings us to the next point, the lack of communication. It’s been pretty clear that Bake and Yang are kinda doing their own thing and have for a while now. Which is fine and helps with their development, especially after V6. There’s a lot of trust and understanding between them in a way that only they can understand. We see that in how they talk about their differing opinions, doing so maturely and understanding the other’s view while still standing by their own thoughts. It’s good to see. But the problem is they made this decision about Robyn… without talking to the others, especially Ruby and Weiss. While I do agree with them, it makes it look like... kinda iffy. Like despite Yang saying that she trusts Ruby, she doesn’t fully. How despite Blake saying that they’ll follow Ruby’s lead, they won’t. On the one hand, they aren’t following anyone blindly, and that is important. But doing do without trying to talk to the others? That is not a good thing. Sure they think they’re helping and I do think that they’ll tell Ruby when they get to Atlas. But IDK how she’ll feel. I can see her agreeing that it was right... but IDK how she’ll feel about it being done behind her back even if it was split-second. She may/say it’s fine, but is that true? It may just add more pressure to her and her worries, and that is going to lead to bad things. I agree with Yang and lake, but I feel that they should have waited until they talked to the others because if Robyn does who knows what, it could only make things worse, and in turn make Ruby’s ultimate decision even harder.

But Ruby’s also not communicating anything. So far, aside from talking to Qrow a little in Chapter 4 and expressing her uncertainty in Chapter 6, she hasn’t talked about making a decision or her own feelings. She’s on board with Amity going up, but we don’t know if she feels like she needs to tell Ironwood about Salem now or not. Aside from any questioning it in Chapter 3, no one else has tried talking to her nor has she tried talking to any of the others or their opinions. Mind you, we may see that soon since the recent events are still recent, but it needs to happen soon. Weiss has so far been uninvolved with the Robyn stuff and while shes voiced her disapproval of Ironood’s regime and suspicions of her father, none of the others have really talked with her about it. Yang dismissed Weiss’ concerns about Jaques in CHapter 6 (though tbf it was before everything went to Hell), and no one acknowledged her voicing her suspicions this chapter. She’s ceritnaly against Ironwood’s regime, but right now her focus seems to be on her father, which isn’t unfounded. But it’s hard to say where she stands regarding Ruby’s lie and working with Robyn at this point nor especially how she feels about Winter’s current stance.

Then we have Oscar. This was an interesting chapter for him. He’s been completely uninvolved in the Robyn stuff and we haven’t seen how he feels about Ruby’s choices since Chapter 3. But he was good here. We see him display a lot of maturity and hindsight. He’s pretty much seeing Ironwood trying to be like Oz, and he knows how that is a bad thing. He wants to side with Ironwood since he sees that he’s a good person… and he is. Ironwood is one of if not the most complex character in the series. He is a good person. He is caring, can be light-hearted, and ultimately does want to protect everyone and do what’s right. But he is also a very, very flawed person. He is allowing Mantle to suffer and be viewed as a dictator, which he puts off as not caring about even though it’s clearly tearing him up. He saw what happened last time when he had a huge army and usurped power for his own reasons, but here he is doing it again. He’s trying to shove away his emotions and trying to be this fearless leader who has all the answers and is doing what’s best, aka be like Ozpin. But he isn’t Oz, and no one should be. He is letting fear control him and compromising his morals to do what he views as the right thing, even if it means that innocents suffer. The Tin Man is throwing away his heart, just as the Cowardly Lion gave into his cowardice.

Oscar can see this. He gets it. Ironwood is a good man, but he’s so focused on his own goal that he’s disregarding everything else. He’s practically shoving away his humanity, the same thing that Salem lost a long time ago. The general is heading down a dark path. It’s like I said in my Opening Analysis, Ironwood’s hopes are shattered. He’s trying, but he doesn’t know what to do. He’s just lost, and he’s risking staying that way for good. IDK how much Oscar’s words actually helped, but I am glad to see him speaking his own thoughts. Not Oz’, his. We do see for a brief second that Oscar is still unhappy about being viewed as Oz and the eventual merger, which that seeming to be dropped was a big issue with him last volume. I still don’t feel like he’s getting proper development, but this is a start. He’s acting like his own person instead of needing Oz to guide him or worrying about if his thoughts are his own. This is very much what we needed from him, and I’m very happy to see it here.

Finally, let’s talk about Pietro and Penny. It’s clear that the last chapter broke Penny. Any time that we see her here, she’s either sad or anxious. She is completely quiet, a major contrast to her bubbly, energetic personality throughout the volume. Once more, the villains used her status as a root made by Atlas to turn the people against Ironwood. How she may look like this sweet little girl just trying to protect the people, but in reality, she’s just a weapon used to further oppress the people. Now people want her destroyed, even though despite being made of metal, she is human. She has a soul. She has a heart. She has genuinely good intentions and just wanted to do good. But now it’s pretty much impossible for her to be viewed as anything but a weapon. The poor girl deserves all the hugs in the world.

But it’s equally heartbreaking seeing Pietro’s reaction. He clearly loves enny. His creation. His daughter. His distraught over this is a feeling that any parent who sees their children suffering can relate to. But then the bombshell happens. We find out that Pietro gave up his own Aura, the manifestation of his soul, to bring enny to life. Twice. Something that’ clearly wearing him down, and it’s pretty likely that doing it again may very well mean his death. It’s… IDK how to express it. It’s so sad to see, but it’s so sweet that he was willing to do so to bring Penny to life, and he clearly loves her with all his heart. This might also mean that he’s the one who created the Aura Transfew tech, and he used it on himself to bring Penny to life. IDK if he extended it to jam Aura into another person, but he clearly developed the tech. Still, it’s… such a bittersweet backstory. It’s about a man who wanted to create life. To create something with a soul, and he succeeded… but it cost him his own soul. And now he has to watch his daughter suffer, helpless to do anything except hope that the one behind this is caught before she can be hurt anymore. It’s so heartbreaking, but comes across as so genuine and just makes me care about these two characters even more.

This was a very eventful chapter. The length of the Overview alone I think demonstrates that. But it was an excellent one and a perfect follow-up to last week. There’s so much tension and conflict, but you can look at all these characters and understand all of their decisions. Ironwood, Robyn, Nora, Ren, Blake, Yang, everyone. There is no clear cut good or bad choices here, just choices. Everyone is trying to do what they think is right, and no one is particularly wrong. But every choice has a consequence. Even with the best-case scenario of appealing to Robyn, there is uncertainty regarding what she’ll do or how far she’ll go. It could lead to the worst-case scenario. As Blake said, there are few if any good options left. Add in things like Penny and Pietro backstory, Tyrian stuff, and talk about the Staff of Creation, and we’ve got what may be the best chapter so far. It’s gonna be one Hell of a second half, especially with the DInner Party ahead. Speaking of…

Chapter Eight Predictions

Final chapter of the year, folks. Going off the past, this one is gonna be a doozy. We’re clearly going to the Schnee Manor, though IDK who all is gonna go aside form Ironwood and Winter. Sure WInter said ‘all’ but it’s hard to say if the main group would be tagging along. But I am for certain that Weiss is going to go. Not because she wants to, but because she feels she has to (if Jaques didn’t make it clear that she has to be included, of course). She suspects her father of rigging the vote and of his recent decisions, and she’s gonna want to know why. But the only way is to go back home, something that will be very, very difficult for her and Winter both. But if it means stopping her father and uncovering the truth, she’ll do it. Might not be the smartest thing to do, but she’d do it.

This could lead to a number of things. There’s, of course, the political drama between Jaques and Ironwood, cause that’s ALWAYS fun. But this will be the first time that we’ve seen the Schnee Manor (outside Jawues office in Chapter 4) since V4. I already worry about Klein’s fate since it was Whitley who answered Watts and not him, but he could still be there. Though I suspect that Weiss is going to find out otherwise. Whitley will most likely be there, and we’ll see if he keeps on with his facade or if it’s gonna slip. Maybe even see him and WInter interact finally. But the thing I’m most hoping for That we finally see Mama Schnee. It’s been so long, and this seems like the right time especially if Weiss is genuinely concerned for her after Jaques gaslighting. And haha… if so they’ll beat the DC Comic in showing her first by mere days. Great timing there! Whatever happens though… it’s not gonna be a pleasant night for everyone involved. Hope that the food is good, at least.

Episode Stats

Favorite Character: Nora Valkyrie, Pietro Polendina, James Ironwood, and Oscar Pine Favorite Scene: Nora telling off Ironwood and the Ironwood and Oscar talk Least Favorite Scene: The first minute or two, only cause it feels weird that we had the Grimm Attack last week that… just went nowhere. Favorite Voice Actor: David Fennoy (Pietro Polendina) Favorite Animation: Bees vs Robyn. Rating: 9/10

Final Thoughts

Dear God this is probably the longest review yet. And with where things are heading, they’re only gonna get longer. But damn… this has been by far the most complex volume and I am /loving it! SO many different conflicts between everyone, and you can understand everyone but see the problems with all of it. Good fights. Good expositions that don’t feel dragged, Good character interactions, and even more interesting choices made by characters. There are so many things that can happen form here, both good and bad. I feel more and more uncertain about things the more that it goes on, except that I love it. While IDK if it tops 3 and 6 yet in terms of enjoyment and we’ve still got six more chapters to go, this may very well be the best-written volume thus far.

#rwby #rwby7 #rwby reviews #callie reviews

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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740

‘Does your best friend bother you more than anyone else? This is so weird. Someone wouldn’t be my best friend if all they did was annoy me. If one of my best friends did start to bother me with anything they’re doing, we’re close enough for me to comfortably call them out on it. Who is your best friend? Angela and Gab. Do you like someone right now? A lot more than that at this point. Do you even think you stand a chance with this person? I’ve been with them a handful of years now, so yes. Do you consider yourself truly happy? Not truly. I can generally keep myself happy but I’ll sometimes have days where I’m anxious, angry, hurt, confused, lost, or all of the above. It’s a work in progress.

How often do you cry? I want to say at least once a week; that's pretty accurate. Are you emotional? Yes. What is the worst thing you would do for 10 million dollars? I find these questions so stressful to think about lol. Just give me scenarios to do for $10 million and I’ll tell you if I’m willing to do it. Have you ever had/do you have an eating disorder? [trigger warning] No. But when my depression was at its roughest a part of me wanted to try adding self-starvation to the other methods I was already using to harm myself at the time. Didn’t really work out. Have you ever cut/burned yourself intentionally? Cut, yes. Burned, technically yes, but I didn’t know it would hurt me. When I was 7 I thought I had some sort of invincibility so I placed a finger on a clothes iron that was plugged in at the time. So I kinda did it on purpose, but not because I wanted to burn myself lol? If that makes sense? What do you think of people that do? Hope that they have people around them who care for them and can help them pull themselves out of that hole. What's your opinion on drugs? Have you ever done any? Scary, especially the hard drugs. I’ve seen Breaking Bad, Trainspotting, and Requiem for a Dream to know not to try them lol. I’ve only had milder ones like caffeine, nicotine, and painkillers. Have you ever noticed the hidden adut jokes inside of kid shows/movies? When I encounter the episodes these days, yeah I would notice them. When I was a kid they used to be just sentences that didn’t make sense to me. Do you want to be famous? Why? I’m not opposed to it. I wanna be able to travel places, get freebies, and afford a lot of nice clothes, but I’m also not willing to do absolutely anything or lose who I am just to get famous.

Do you sin often? I don’t really think of that anymore. What are your views on God? Nope. What do you think happens after you die? I go to sleep permanently, which for me is the most peaceful way to think of death. Sometimes if I’m feeling a little alone or helpless, it’s just as comforting to also think of the possibility of reuniting with my lost loved ones when I die, like my lolo or the great-grandparents I never met. Are you afraid to die? I’m afraid of dying painfully, if anything. Like I don’t want to be stuck in a burning room or have a ceiling collapse on me, you know? If you had the chance, would you want to know the date of your death? Yes. Have you ever felt that you weren't good enough? Of course. Do you have any siblings? If so, are you jealous of them? Yes. I’m not jealous/envious of Nina, but I do sometimes wish I had a talent that was as tangible and recognizable as hers – she’s an artist and an editor, and very good ones. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Why or why not? I mean we don’t hate each other, but I wouldn’t go running to their arms if I had a problem. We have a more buddy-type relationship.

Are you always wanting more? Yep, I’m quite materialistic. Do you make good first impressions? You’d have to ask the people I’ve ever met. I hope I do, though. Do you feel bad for obese people, or do you just laugh? I am so unimpressed with this question. What would you do if you were obese? Idk, it would depend on the mindset I have once I’m at that point. Are you ashamed of your past? Not ashamed. I just wish it had a lot more happier days. Do you miss your past? No. Do you have a song lyric that describes where you are in life right now? Ain’t it fuuuuun living in the real wooooorld ain’t it goooood being all alooooone Who are you closest to in your family? In my immediate family, it’s probably my sister. But generally speaking, it’s my eldest first cousin on my mom’s side. Do you ever open up to people? Yes, but I’m also private. Like I wouldn’t just share my life story with anyone - you have to ask about it and know which questions to ask. Do you consider yourself guarded? Why or why not? Sure. I’ve had shitty people come in and go out of my life throughout the years. Are you an honest person? I guess. Do you like animals? Love them, except cockroaches and flying cockroaches.

Do you think doctors prescribe medicine too often? I...don’t really have an opinion lol and I don’t know if I should. I don’t know the first thing about medical ethics. Are you a control freak? In a group setting, mostly yep. Do you enjoy getting drunk, or do you feel like you're losing all control? I like getting drunk but only until a certain point, i.e. when I feel giddy enough to socialize with strangers or start dancing. I’ve had a couple of bad experiences from drinking too much and it’s always so embarrassing the day after. What do you think happens when you go into a coma? I’ve read accounts on Reddit from people who used to be in one and the stories vary. Some stayed passed out through the whole thing, others dreamt in a lot of vibrant colors, others had dreams that they considered metaphors for dying, others were a little aware of what was happening or being said around them. Do you think the internet is dangerous? I know it is, lmao.

Name all the social networking sites you use: Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, YouTube, Linkedin. I re-installed Snapchat recently but I don’t use it for social media. Do you think anyone truly knows who you really are? My best friends do, in different ways. Have you ever given anyone the chance to really get to know you? Yes. Do you block people out of your life when they start to get too close? No. It’s very rare that that gets to happen so when it does, I keep them around. Who do you think has the most pressure to be good-looking; guys or girls? I think both experience a lot of pressure in very different ways. It’s not a contest. Do you care what impression you make on people? Kinda, especially if they make the wrong one lmao. Do you think TV is too much of an influence on today’s youth? If anything today’s TV has a lot of responsible representation from sexual consent and coming out and mental health to POCs, which gives off a suuuuper positive influence to kids and young teens these days who now feel like they can see themselves in the characters they meet and scenarios they see. Racism, sexism, homophobia, and all the other -isms and -phobias never get to fly by in this age anymore and that’s a great thing too. Just look at Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Sex Education, Itaewon Class, and I wanna say The Good Place? but I’ve never seen it. What do you think people would do if all the computers crashed? I honestly think that would be the last straw that would break the camel’s back for people to start chaotically freaking out lol. There’s too much happening as it is. Honestly, do you say racist things? Filipinos in general are resentful towards mainland Chinese but that’s because they have bullied us for so long, they’ve literally shit on our historical parks, they keep buying our lands, they claim our seas, and they belittle and mistreat Filipinos, especially the ones who work as OFWs in China. We wouldn’t be as racist if most of them didn’t act like such assholes to begin with. Personally, I don’t verbally say racist stuff but I will judge mainland Chinese in my head if I come across them or hear another incident of them misbehaving. Do your parents put way too much pressure on you? No, which I’m quite grateful for. They just let me do my thing, they ask me what jobs I want without hinting what they want for me, they let me fantasize about my dream purchases once I have a salary without guilt-tripping me over letting them have a share of my money, that kind of stuff. Has anyone you loved ever died? Two big people in my life. Do you think people overreact when their pets die? Not at all. Pets are family, and everyone’s reactions are valid. I remember when Lorde’s dog died and people were either 1) making fun of her and called her overreacting when she said she was gonna be unable to release new music for the meantime, or 2) stoked that her new music is probably gonna be sad and emotional because of her dog’s death, and I thought both were terrible. Do you know who you are, or what you want to become? I’m getting there, don’t pressure me lmfao. Do you have your future mapped out? Or are you just taking it day by day? Day by day. I have a good big picture planned out, but I also like living in the now. What are you going to do now? I dunno if I want to take another survey or watch YouTube videos now. But directly after hitting post on this I’ll definitely take another sip of my coffee and give my dog cuddles for a few minutes since he just woke up from his nap.

#survey #surveys

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xxkellsvixen19xx · 6 years

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I Am Not Living, I Am Surviving Hug Me Michael x Reader

Warnings: this theme deals with depression and thoughts of suicide which could be triggering for some.

A/N: as someone that deals with depression I felt compelled to post this. Michael helps Y/N during her depressive episode, the reader (much like me tends to shut people out especially when things get difficult so I feel this on a personal level). Hope you guys take the time to read this as it is kinda personal for me, thanks guys and please let me know what you think. Note the lyrics used are from Britta Phillips version of the song Drive

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//who's gonna tell you when

it's too late

who's gonna tell you things

aren't so great

you can't go on

thinking nothing's wrong

who's gonna drive you home tonight//

I was not alone, that there was someone somewhere who was able to articulate the seething, jumbled, brutal, pre-linguistic, thrashing, writhing, hazing, dulling pounding in my head. It wasn't just me. That single thought was the most important thing in the world to me, sometimes the one thing that kept me alive – a single false note of optimism would have shattered it all for me, left me thinking yes, it really is just me – the words people offer me really are just that, words, the hope they contain utterly irrelevant because they relate to an experience that is not mine.

‘I put on a brave front' it had been so easy to hide how I truly felt, laugh, joke act like I was completely fine. But truth was I knew deep down inside I wasn't masking it would only work for so long. I was rapidly sliding deeper and deeper into a very dark space. My symptoms got worse and soon I found it too difficult to even get up and out of bed in the morning.

‘You feel nothing. You shut down completely. There is no happiness, no sadness, nothing. You feel zero.’ Depression is not something that can be brushed away with a smile, or shooed away with a pat on the back. It’s something more deeper and profound. There’s no gadget to test which person is suffering from what type of depression, and there’s no instrument to measure the extent of depression.

Statistics say that as many as 1 in 4 of us will experience a mental health problem at some point in our lives. That means you know someone—probably several someones—with depression, anxiety, an eating disorder or something else. Isolation can have a crushing effect on a lot of people. Some people thrive on it, but humans on the whole are a social bunch and need to interact with others. When that isn’t possible, it’s easy to feel that the walls are closing in. But honestly all I was good at doing is pushing people away, I am afraid if they get to close if they see really see what I am going through that they might abandon me because it may end up being way too much for them.

I kept a diary somehow it felt safer to write down my thoughts, the one person I should be honest with is Michael but I honestly couldn't bring myself to do it. Would he be hurt? Would he hate me? So many thoughts in the back of my mind I pushed them away. I scribbled furiously in the journal and tossing it aside. Normally I hid it under a loose floorboard in our bedroom but on this night not giving it so much as a second thought I feel asleep journal wide open. Y/N didn't hear Michael when he walked in, he looked at you you were fast asleep. He noticed the leather bound book that laid open by your sleeping form. He didn't want to invade your privacy but something alerted him that something was on deed wrong. He looked at the small paragraph scrawled on the page, his face froze in fear at the words before him.

Dear Michael.

I've been thinking about ending my life. I don't know why I can't talk to you in person, so I bought this Diary in the case that I do end up killing myself you will know why I did what I did and that you cannot blame yourself. Michael you are the reason I am still here. for now. But the voices in my head are so strong and the pain that it is inflicting on me everyday, one more thing and I feel like I won't be able to hold on, but I will for you Michael I will try my best for you.

Yours Truly,

Y/F/N Y/L/N

Depression is a hole and I'm slowly falling in trying to claw out and everyone I love is just standing there watching. Honestly I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep 'acting’ like I was ok when deep down inside I wanted to end it, quiet the voices leave the pain behind that quite frankly I felt like I was drowning in.

I opened my eyes I don't know how long I had been asleep or even what time it was. I looked to see Michael's concerned expression his piercing blue eyes felt like they had penetrated my soul. There my journal sat in his lap, Michael let out a breath attempting to steady himself. “Why won't you talk to me Y/N, tell me that something was wrong?” I couldn't even open up my mouth to speak it was like I lost all nerve to even respond. My first instinct was to bolt, I sat up quickly turning my body away from him. I wasn't able to even make it to the edge of the bed, Michael grabbed my arm “Y/N please talk to me don't shut me out!”

Michael's breathing started to get heavier as his eyes started to well up. Y/N looked at Michael, saying nothing. He wondered what she was thinking. Finally, after a few moments, she started sobbing, and she leaned into him. Michael immediately pulled her into his arms, letting her cry on his shoulder, and struggling not to cry himself. ‘I was tired of feeling helpless. I had to do something, anything.’ ‘I remember that exact moment as the one where I started to feel good about myself again, I just wish it could've lasted longer…

There was another moment of silence, this one longer than the last, "I tried to tell myself that you'd get better, that you would get back to normal but the truth is I didn't know that. I didn't know if you'd get better, you can't keep doing this to yourself Y/N, what if I never see you again! And the thought of everyone else just going on with their lives made me sick! So yeah,I am angry, and I am scared… I didn't know what the fuck I am supposed to do!" Michael's voice finally broke as tears streamed down his face. Y/N, with tears in her own eyes, finally stood up. She pressed her forehead against Michael's and placed her hands on the sides of his head. ‘But most of all, I knew, come what may, I had at least one safe harbor.’ I looked up at Michael the look was unmistakable.

‘I'll never forget what I saw at that moment, looking into Michael's eyes.’

‘He loved me. This sweet, perfect man… loved me.’

After staring at him for another moment that seemed to last forever, she finally leaned in and kissed him. He quickly began kissing her back. The two of them continued this until it started to grow more heated, with the two of them running their hands over each other, and Michael kissing along the side of her neck.

He pulled back after a minute and looked at her.

"Are you… are you sure this is okay?" he asked, breathing heavily.

Y/N gave Michael a smile.

"I'm sure," I said.

‘That wasn't entirely true. I wasn't sure, or rather I wasn't sure if I was sure.but I didn't know if that made a difference. I knew I wanted it to be okay this time.’

The two of them resumed, even more passionately this time. They began removing clothes and letting their hands roam over more of more of each other…

‘More than anything, I wanted it to be okay this time. I remember thinking, please, please, let it be okay this time.’

Michael continued kissing Y/N, who leaned her head back as the feelings came over her…

‘But it wasn't okay’

I inhaled sharply…

‘It was perfect.’

2 weeks later…

"How is Y/N?" Gallant ask, suddenly looking at Michael with concern on his face.

Michael hesitated. He came here to help Gallant with an issue with his salon , not unload his own worries onto him. Still, lying to him didn't feel right either.

"I don't know, really," Michael finally said. "She just doesn't seem to want to open up. I know she's been having a really hard time." Michael gave Gallant a slight smile. “I think it's just going to take time.” Gallant responded softly.

‘The day were getting... bearable.’

‘So were the days after that, and the next after that.’

‘Michael found me a new doctor. A bit further away, but worth the trip. I was able to open up to her a little.’

‘Still, I couldn't shake this feeling that there was something I was supposed to do, but at first, I couldn't figure out what it was.’

‘But gradually I started to notice something…’

‘...something I couldn't shake once I noticed them.,

‘The signs.’

‘The ones most people didn't see. The ones no one saw in me until it was almost too late.’

Michael wiped one last tear rolling down his face and closed his eyes.

“Please live for me Y/N," he said, softly. “Stay with me, I love you."

Y/N sighed in relief.

‘All I could do after that was live.’

Michael pulled me close to him tightly I could hear his heartbeat, a steady reminder to live

//Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.//

Mahatma Gandhi

#ahs #ahs apocalypse #michael langdon #cody fern #fan fiction

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inappropriatefangirlneeds · 6 years

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Gotham s5ep6 “13 Stitches” Personal Review

“I do hope whatever you came here for was worth your life.” Warning spoilers below

“Born of Blood” Ah I take back the “boring”, Eduardo got on the program, like not a good or exciting one but the ruthless awful bunch of booted army criminals kinda starts to work for me. * Alfred Pennyworth know the unit by reputation. “They're a horrible bunch of bastards. They specialize in military coups, assassinations. They're certainly not the vanguard for humanitarian relief.” * I loved that they had BRUCE WAYNE watch that one army guy needlessly mess with the FILES of some cops. Rude! And such a great little detail to establish where we are headed. Bruce testing the waters with asking them about the relief shipment was great to * “I insist” Bruce and Alfred just taking out the army guys nice scene * “What the people desperately need is food and medicine. Not just more guns.” Yes * “Are you insane? You can't just execute people.” “Do not question me.” RESPONSIBILITY Who is responsible for the murder, who is just a tool? Is following orders a good excuse? We continue that topic from 5x5 when Eduardo tells Jim that “It´s not your call, Jim” referring to the “cleaning the house” mission. “All criminals in Gotham are now under a death sentence” Some Civilians were too, collateral damage is fine and Eduardo claims “ They were an acceptable loss for the mission.” “What mission, damn it?” And most prominent it´s in this line: “She made you her killer.” No, no, Jim. She's the killer. And you have no idea.” And I´m sure in this tidbit there is also some orders vs responsibility meta: “Your recklessness got people killed.” “I don't know what the hell you're talking about.” “Ramirez? Johnson. Bolton.” “Their deaths were not on me.” * “This hellhole is infested with criminals and terrorists. Sometimes you just have to clean house, you know?” I feel like there is some meta comparison in there to how Jim Gordon reacted to when NATHANIEL BARNES arrived at the GCPD. * “Is that a RISK you're willing to take?” The line is about evidence about Walker´s involvement in the Haven destruction and Eduardo want´s to take it. But it´s also about Selina kicking in the door in an explosive room, it´s her and Oswald somewhat trusting each other, Oswald getting over the weariness of having seen Selina just take a few fingers “Depends. What did they want?” It´s about Bruce, Fox, Nygma, Kean working together: TRUST one big thing is working together and once more knowing each other THE CREW and THE CRIMINALS Bruce Wayne worries “Are you sure about including Barbara Kean and Ed Nygma?” and Jim Gordon points out “War makes for strange bedfellows.”

JIM GORDON & EDWARD NYGMA “The thing that I want is revenge” It is Jim believing an Edward that just wanted to kill him a second ago, knowing that them messing with his brain puts value in his words, if not for his claim that he detests the destruction of Haven as much. JIM GORDON & BARBARA KEAN “Can't I just want to help?” “Not you, not usually.” Where does that come from? “What's it gonna take for you to trust me?” “After everything you've done, I honestly don't know.” I do think I need some reminder what Barbara did do? Going after Lee with a knife, I kinda excuse due to the Ogre trauma. Her Theo Galavan involvement is a low point but after that she actively tried to made amends and caused good. And yeah she´s a criminal but so is Oswald Cobblepot and others and Jim is not as strict with them it seems? JIM GORDON & LESLIE THOMPKINS I´ll complain about it below but it´s odd that they put Barbara unprompted telling Jim she knows how heavy this is on him vs. Jim telling Lee in her face how heavy this is on him and the next second claiming she knows this because she knows him despite she just got a tiny speed run through the whole situation, and while she also probably has a more pressing issue on mind than Jim´s feelings: her supposed complete memory loss and vulnerability but nooo she´s got to be the caring, understanding, supportive girlfriend? While Barbara gets to be painted the tactless bitch?

OSWALD COBBLEPOT & SELINA KYLE Have a partnership of convenience without it being convenient for any of them. Selina brings up Tabitha and Oswald tells her why he thinks she´d accept this on some level: “Because you believe in an eye for an eye. Hard as it may be to swallow” Does she? So on the other direction of the line of mutual understanding we have Selina saying she wants the diamond as payment and as ridiculous as this may sound she points out reputation is more important to Oswald than a shiny thing. He agrees! This week they underline all the understanding of each other. Selina figures out there might be more to the diamond than Oswald claims: “You and your stupid revenge. The diamond isn't even worth anything in Gotham anyway. Unless …” And then Oswald makes a wonderful show of looking the other way, being interested in everything else, trying to distract from the point but Selina says: The diamond is worth something on the mainland. Oswald WANTS TO LEAVE GOTHAM?!? Oswald claim he wants to because it got nothing to offer for him anymore. “Alexander the Great then looked upon his land and wept. For there was nothing left to conquer. I've done all I can in Gotham. Some things twice. There's nothing left for me here anymore.” Selina wants to leave too: “I don't want to be the person who killed Jeremiah Valeska. I just want to be myself. And I can't do that in Gotham anymore.” >> I wonder does Oswald really want to leave? The done twice line is a good one because they had him going up and down and all the ways round indeed but leaving Gotham? I totally expected some other grand scheme? Does he really want to leave? >> “All of the thieves I used are dead.” What did Oswald Cobblepot do exactly? What are his plans? It would be pretty anticlimactic if it was just getting money to leave Gotham behind? I mean it’s a good call, a reasonable one, go on do that .. but buuuuuut ... >> How much is such a diamond worth? If it´s really about leaving Gotham this means he wasn´t after Magpie to protect his reputation (like what would he care if he´s gone) but because of the value of the diamond, and his vault didn´t really look like he would depend on that? Seems there was plenty of wealth, why would he bother? Also if, did he think he could just get out of his deal of giving Selina the diamond as payment for her help? >> If he really wants to it´s good timing. He wanted to leave after Gertrud, now that his revenge is done and over with having killed Tabitha there´s a similar point, soooo there´s that but ehh >> There is also a great PARALLEL with Selina, she too is at a point where she completed revenge. However killing Jeremiah didn´t give her some peace and making it possible for her to move on, it put stress on her life she wants to leave behind >> I wonder why Selina didn´t stay at the Sirens?? They celebrated her, did that just last for a couple of drinks? They even threw in the line about Barbara needing her people to protect her borders, and all those lines about her protecting her people, why couldn´t this include Selina? I mean I get it golden cage and everything, but even if she´s on the street it would help if people would know she was under Barbara´s protection. Also yes, I get it it´s likely not about the people hunting her at all but about how she feels. Done and over with all that. * Selina kicking in the door of the room because Magpie said anything in the room not the room itself : Honestly if everyone would put that much thought in their words I´m sure things would be tremendously easier for me at times, but experience shows this distinction really probably was just coincidence. Or did I miss any lines before that established that Magpie was more careful with her words than her booooms? /Gotham language/ * Was there yarn in the bowl of Selina Kyle next to her breakfast? * “resembles a goth chicken” One would think Oswald The Penguin Cobblepot could bond with Magpie just over shared bird aesthetics. “Tell me, how many ex-fiancés do you have, anyway?” EDUARDO DORRANCE says while talking about Leslie Thompkins. Thing is, he´s also on the list, fandom established that well enough. But with this episode he´s also made it on the “PSEUDOCOBBLEPOT” LIST right next to new Barbara Kean: “It could have been like old times, buddy. You, me, together, making the world a better place.” Like wasn´t this all that Oswald Cobblepot wanted from Jim Gordon in Season 1?! EDUARDO Vs. LEE Sadly, Eduardo is not on top of the Exes list, like Jim looked so lost in the moment of seeing Eduardo with that piece of metal through his chest but the gunshots related to Lee make him snap out of it in an instant. If he had just gotten back to Eduardo, find out about the prison thing, and being caught behind enemy lines Walker wouldn´t have picked him up and got to establish the surely bigger mess that will happen. And I didn´t buy the helpless attitude Lee showed for a second, I wasn´t surprised she shot the guy, but like it´s probably juuuust because I don´t want her to be that, she went places, she did good, she was a doctor, please don´t reduce her to a scared government tool, not even for half an episode. * Another Thing about the Exes. Can we retire this Ogre plotline bullshit? We´ve had plenty of that already. How about the next time someone pulls out an Ex of their sleeve the person they try to manipulate, threaten or hurt is like lmfoa just off them and make it slow they never did the fucking dishes they deserve it. Like it´s not like I´d like that because having a proper mature relationship to Exes es good and great but if this is continually being exploited for this kind of rubbish plotline something´s got to change. * “Look around. This is all on you.” Another thing to retire for good please is criminals telling Jim it´s his fault. No you did that, take responsibility. Jim didn´t put that couple on the roof Jervis, you did, it´s not his fault hat you set that up no matter how slow or fast he runs. This time it´s about Haven. Jim caring for people is what killed them claims Eduardo. The almost sent in relive, believing having set up Haven means the criminal thing wasn´t that bad. Which means Walker had to get rid of Haven to justify the CriminalsBeExtinct unit. * “I expected more from you, Jim.” Eh I kind of did too. Eduardo called out the theatrics of the chip crumbling right away. But when Eduardo said “Always so emotional, that´s not how wars are won, Jim” I thought, first of all, Eduardo you are wrong, that´s exactly how Jim will win this, but also, you are double wrong because Jim surely has a plan. It can´t just be about seeing the carnage at Haven there´s got to be some strategy in it. But there wasn´t? Did I miss anything? His whole plan was tangle his Ex Eduardo into some banter and get them in a fight, while Lee gets shot in the background, what? * “Put a bullet in my mouth and shut me up” Okay that was hot. “No. Not a bullet. But I am gonna shut your mouth. Once and for all.” “Come try.” Okay, whose fanfiction did they copy there? You can put that dialog right into some smut scene. * Alvarez is awesome: “We tie our shoelaces together, then we lasso the keys off the desk.” “And then what, Roy Rogers, huh? They surrender in awe? No harebrained scheme is gonna get us out of this.” * “Boom boom, we get it” * “Didn't think you'd miss a couple things. Couple things go missing all the time.” Well, she´s got a point, and it looks like Oswald´s collection would put Tutenchamun´s grave chamber to shame. * “Who the hell was that?” Ah great Oswald line but also kind of what´s wrong with this season, they need more time to introduce and establish characters. Give them the time! I mean I complained about rushed things the past seasons too but this time we at least know they would have paced it out more and went more into depth than they got the chance to. * “You killed Jeremiah, you´re famous. Not so scary. I could be famous” I wonder what her line of thinking was there. Please tell me more about MAGPIE. * “Is that really the craziest thing you've ever heard, Barbara?” * “The human brain is not a plaything, Mr. Kean” * “Bruce, status?” “One second.” * “Can we speed things along, please, Mr. Fox?” Ah Alfred is so polite. * Whoa there Chip!Edward calling Jim “James” sounded so out of place. * Edward saying “Is that all?” after he asked Jim what he did during the blackout was hilarious. Like trying to kill Jim indeed is a “just” compared to blowing up civilians but I giggled. * “Is it not obvious, it´s a BOMB” Oh EDWARD NYGMA didn´t sound at all like he had fun with his grande entrance to the GCPD. The “Not now, Bullock” had so much emotion. And damn how cute are pallid beach mice. I kind of expected that it wouldn´t be an actual math problem, but damn I didn´t expect Bullock calling it that it´s zero and they are extinct. “The next time I get a short straw, I'm just gonna walk into traffic.” Yep he had no fun, but does that mean they pulled straws to determine who goes into the GCPD? What where they gonna do, send Fox in with a riddle? * “Where has LEE been this whole time?” Barbara Kean looks suspicious and she is right to do so, they don´t know about the Strange parallel but she could be chipped (if they didn´t need a fragmented brain, psyche like Edward´s), also just for the sake of not wanting this, I don´t believe she was all lost and helpless the whole time. But I am worried they´ll make this about feelings, and emotions and girlfriends ugh. And in general, I share Nygma´s sentiment “I'm not gonna wait around to watch their touching reunion.” UGH she was chipped but it´s not like an issue at all just barely a nuisance. At least make her a proper threat like Edward. UGH A pregnancy. How about no. Also what even is this: Jim Gordon just pouring his heart out when he tells Lee about what happened. “It's been hard. Actually, that's not true. It's been hell.” People needs his help and he put on a brave face pretending that he knew what to do. “But you know me, Lee. I'm just a cop. And now I'm really lost.” Okay Barbara just (arguably not quite nicely but still) called him out on that issue before their office sex, he didn´t confide in here she just called that issue unprompted, now Lee gets credit for knowing that exact titbit about Jim while Jim just told her that not having to know that at all. But I already ranted about that I´m out. * “Sorry to disappoint” JEREMIAH VALESKA is alive. Alfred Pennyworth says “You hurt my boy and I will bite your face off.” Which is an odd line? Is it meant to be a reference to Jerome Valeska´s detachable face? If so it´s a weak insult, that didn´t really stop Jerome for a second. Anyway I have an Alice Cooper earworm now, and can´t get the picture of Alfred listening to him out of my head, like he sure tried to do the makeup too some time.

* MOREOVER Alexander the Great was gay

#gotham #gotham meta #gotham s5ep6 13 Stitches #oswald cobblepot #magpie #mine Gotham full episode reviews

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simmer-for-hire-blog · 6 years

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Why I haven’t been around.

Hoo boy, this is gonna be a Longpost™ so I’m probably gonna put it under a cut, just so you guys don’t have to look at the whole thing on your dash. But this is basically just gonna be me outlining why I haven’t been around on Tumblr, and more broadly just kinda everywhere. Also, there might be some darker themes and stuff, so I’ll make sure to put in the appropriate trigger warnings in the tags. And before any of you rush to judgments, no I’m not making this post to garner sympathy or for notes or anything like that. If anything I’m just trying to provide an explanation to those who follow me and are disappointed by my lack of posts, and potentially raise awareness for what I’m going through and provide some basic information. So hold on to your hats, because here we gooo! (There’s also gonna be some TMI in here about periods and stuff so if that kind of thing grosses you out then you probably shouldn’t read this tbh)

So I’ve had a few health problems - both physical and mental - that I’ve been trying to overcome over the past couple of years or so. Most of my problems concern the endocrine (hormone) system and reproductive organs, so if this is TMI, then it might be better for you to not continue reading as I will probably go into some detail.

For about a year or so, I’ve had the official diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS, but I’ve been suffering from it for a good five years or so idk? For those of you who aren’t familiar with it, it is a condition that is related to abnormal hormone production in the body, which results in characteristics such as excess hair growth, weight gain, irregular or no periods and - the main focal point - fluid-filled sacs growing in the ovaries, which can cause a lot of pain if they burst. I’d just like to make a note here that I am in no way an expert, so the information here may not be completely accurate, so I urge you to do your own research on this if you wish to find out more, rather than taking what I say as fact. My personal experience with this has been less severe than a lot of cases, I would say. I first started showing symptoms around 2014/2015, when my periods became irregular, and eventually stopped altogether over the period of about 4 months. Naturally, I went to see a doctor, and had maybe the worst experience I’ve ever had with a medical professional. It took him two years (still with no periods) to finally admit that something was wrong, and I ended up having to enter each medical appointment with the attitude that I would need to fight tooth and nail to get him to admit that I could have a problem. But eventually he agreed to send me for an ultrasound, and there it was found that I had a borderline amount of cysts (not enough for a certain diagnosis, but too many to say that there was nothing wrong), leading to a diagnosis being given, as I had a lot of other symptoms. There is no treatment for PCOS, as it cannot be cured, so all the doctors can do is suggest options to manage the symptoms. One such option is the contraceptive pill, which they put me on. I had such a terrible reaction to this that I stopped taking them because it was impossible for me to function as a human being while I was on them, as they worsened the disorder that I will tell you about next. However, when I came off the pill, I actually started getting periods again, which seemed like a miraculous recovery, until something worse happened...

So I was thinking that everything would be magically better when I started having periods again. Unfortunately for me this was not the case. After coming off the contraceptive pill, I had regular (yet very light) periods again. So this meant that the cycle of hormones was continuing normally. For the week or so leading up to my period until a couple of days into the period, where people would often experience PMS, it’s like I became a different person. I’d have episodes where I’d be so sad that I couldn’t get out of bed, and would sometimes barely be able to move. Obviously this caused me to miss a lot of school. I think my attendance at the end of this school year must have been like 50% or something. I’d also experience fits of violent rage, and overwhelming thoughts of self-harm and suicide. In February of this year, it all became too much for me, and I was admitted to the hospital after a suicide attempt. Luckily for me and everyone around me, I survived and was discharged a couple of days afterwards. My memory of the event is terrible due to the nature of the attempt so I couldn’t really tell you very much about my experience. It was a very strange period of time, because about halfway through each period, these symptoms would fade away, and I’d be left wondering why I’d ever had these thoughts and feelings, because they wouldn’t even cross my mind when these ‘episodes’ weren’t going on. It was during this time that a family member sent me a link to an article. This article was about a woman who, like me, suffered an almost complete personality change for a few weeks per month, in a seemingly cyclical nature. Like me, this started when she first got her periods and didn’t affect her all the time. The only difference is that her periods were always regular, whereas I had barely had any due to the PCOS. This woman was diagnosed with a disorder called Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder, or PMDD. A lot of the information is on the website that I have linked, but feel free to do your own research if you’re curious. To summarise, it is a disorder caused by sensitivity to normal hormone fluctuations that causes extreme mood swings, depression, anxiety, bursts of rage etc. between ovulation and bleeding (which basically means the week or two leading up to your period). For me, this disorder is crippling, and has destroyed any chance of a life I could have had. I cannot continue any form of education, I cannot work (I had a job for about an hour before I couldn’t take it but that’s another story), so there’s not much to do with my life. Lately I have been thinking long and hard about some information that I’ve recently come across. According to the Equality Act of 2010 (this applies to me because I live in the UK, but it’ll be different in other countries), a disability is defined as ‘having a physical or mental impairment that has a substantial and long term negative effect on your ability to do normal day to day activities’. According to this definition, my PMDD is a disability, but I haven’t fully read up on the legislation, so I couldn’t whether legally it would count or anything like that. I also don’t know how I feel about being defined as ‘disabled’, because mental disorders aren’t typically seen as being disabling in our society and there’s a stigma around people with disabilities being ‘helpless’ and I’m certainly not that, and I don’t want to undermine people who suffer from physical disabilities by calling myself ‘disabled’, so there’s a whole host of reasons why I don’t want to jump to that.

Contrary to what I’ve been saying here, there is actually hope for me. PMDD and PCOS are not completely curable per se, but there are ways to manage and educe symptoms, so I can live a normal life (PMDD is more curable than PCOS however, which has been touched upon in the article I linked earlier, and I will briefly discuss in a second). However, so far my GP has been of absolutely no help, and I fully intend to complain officially because the way they have treated me is appalling and has basically ruined the current state of my life. That is why I decided to see a private specialist. I am so lucky that my family have the financial security needed to be able to afford a private healthcare consultation, because I received so much more help from them in the half hour consultation than I ever received from my GP in the four years that I have been going to them for help on these matters. The private doctor listened to the timeline of events that I laid out for her, and the full extent of what is currently going on, and recommended that I take vitamin supplements, as they have been proven to slightly manage PMDD symptoms, and prescribed a five-day contraceptive which would hopefully get my periods kick-started again, as I have missed the last four months with no sign of them returning. I’m currently on the last day of this contraceptive, and I’ve been suffering with really bad PMDD (didn’t really help that I was out drinking on friday which usually makes my symptoms worse, but oh well, it was a good night), so hopefully these will yield results within a couple of days. The consultant is also following up with a colleague in London who is an expert on this kind of thing, and will shoot me an email if she finds anything else out. Treatment options for PMDD can include inducing menopause early or even a hysterectomy (removal of the female reproductive organ), but I have been told that hopefully it will not come to that.

So yeah, that’s been my journey so far. During this time, it’s been difficult, even impossible, to keep up with this blog. I hope that you understand why I haven’t been able to update regularly. If you have any questions, please ask me, and I’ll try to the best of my ability to answer all of them. If you’ve read this far, thank you for sticking with me, and by the way, thank you for 738 followers! I really don’t deserve that much love and support considering I haven’t made a post in months, but it means a lot. I hope this post informed you all about what I’ve been dealing with and all that, and I’ll try to make some sort of recovery in order to keep posting here. I love you guys xx

#non sims #mental illness tw #self-harm tw #suicide tw

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youtiaoshutiao · 7 years

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hello, i wanted to ask you what changes in a love so beautiful made you mad? i am sorry if this is a troublesome question, i have not read the novel bc it isn’t translated in a language i can read so i do not have a clear perspective

hello anon! sorry i took so long to reply, i was trying to organise my extremely jumbled thoughts HAHA (which I mostly word-vomitted to @ggongzhu about :P) and i was also busy over the weekend! i’ll attach my thoughts under a read more cut, and also if you haven’t finished watching the drama yet and you are afraid of spoilers do be careful because i’ll make references to the later episodes as well :P

disclaimer: i still really do like the drama a lottttttt (seeing how my tumblr is almost like 100% about alsb hahaha) and perhaps a lot of my opinions are just me being too sensitive and making a mountain out of a molehill (given that i watch the episodes multiple times because of subbing/giffing and i’ve read the book about three times as well)… please forgive me if so :(

1. on a structural scale, i feel like there is a problem with the pacing of the drama, coupled together with the increase in screentime and altering of plot of the secondary leads (mainly wu bo song). the book is mostly set in the time period three years after the breakup and high school/uni is presented as flashbacks/in the outtakes and epilogues. While i’m fine with the drama doing a linear timeline as I do think it’s less messy and more appropriate for a drama, I do feel that they spent way too much time in high school, especially with regards to developing an (what i felt was completely) unnecessary love triangle, at the expense of the main leads’ development. i especially felt that the jealousy scenes, while amusing, were kind of excessive? they could have cut down on that as they were mostly the same narrative after a while and didn’t lend much to building the story. in addition i also thought that the addition of these love triangle/jealousy plot lines kind of weakened the characterisation of jiangchen for me. like jiangchen saying “you were really embarrassing today” in episode 5 because he was jealous, which i really thought was a super harsh and not really in line with his character (he’s more of awkward and aloof and bad at expressing himself, not mean D:), and also the endless jealousy scenes kind of didn’t make sense after a while because he does know that xiaoxi likes him!!

and i just felt that all these needless plotlines to “dramatise” the story just kind of came at expense of what could have been a more coherent drama, or a drama with better pacing. lots of netizens said that episode 18 onwards just felt like a powerpoint presentation where it was just scene after random scene, and it didn’t really flow well? they could have expanded more on the post high-school narrative i felt to make it more coherent, or explored more things, like the ambitions of the five of them (among which, only Jiangchen’s was properly explored, which was a nice touch the drama had that wasn’t in the book :) ), the three years they spent separated to drive home the point that jiangchen really needs xiaoxi, etc.

and while I admit that i’m not the biggest fan of wu bo song and I found his character quite annoying, it’s not that i’m opposed to the addition of secondary leads, it’s just the fact that the additional screentime and additional scenes end up weakening the main leads’ characterisations and taking time away from what could have been used to explore the main leads more that makes me rather sad ):

[okay the rest of the points are mostly plot-related]

2. i didn’t like how they made post 3-years breakup Jiangchen kind of a 霸道总裁 (which is a Chinese fiction/entertainment trope, which is smth like an overbearing chaebol). the drama changed the reason for the breakup which was different in the book (in the book, Jiangchen’s parents were both alive, and Jiangchen’s mother’s disapproval of their relationship and blatant dislike for Xiaoxi was the initial catalyst that eventually triggered Xiaoxi to break up with Jiangchen), which was fine! and actually I thought the drama’s handling of the breakup was quite realistic and portrayed well. But then the drama’s version of the breakup had both parties be at fault.

So taking that into consideration, the last scene of episode 20 didn’t really make much sense at all (where Jiangchen asks Xiaoxi to apologise to him). The drama used the exact same words as the book did, but it doesn’t make as much sense in this context. Because in the book xiaoxi broke up with jiangchen cos she was insecure as his mum didn’t like her and as they slowly drifted apart, so from jiangchen’s pov it felt like xiaoxi broke up with him over nothing, whereas in the drama it’s totally different as jiangchen actively left for beijing instead, so the apology thing just seems really weird and kinda rude of him??? And the scene before that, where he wiped her fingers in front of their entire group of her friends was just so improper and rude of him? (The fake girlfriend thing also features in the book (and in fact Xiaoxi introduced the girlfriend to him whom he then roped into his fake girlfriend scheme), but this scene was added in the drama and the way the drama presented it just weirded me out)

In addition, some of the sentences drama!Jiang Chen says - like “We definitely will get back together” or “She’s always been mine” was just D: nooooooooooo

3. the way they dealt with xiaoxi’s character. My impression in the book was that though she wasn’t a good student, and she was often slow on the uptake especially with regards to Jiangchen, she wasn’t helpless and she was actually a very independent woman (post-breakup) who was quite perceptive and had a high EQ in her dealings with her friends (Jiangchen being the only exception, where often she subconsciously feels lowly in front of him and hence often misreads him) . So while Shen Yue portrayed Xiaoxi really well and managed to toe the fine line between being cute and silly and being annoyingly silly, I really wish that the drama had made Xiaoxi less helpless because book!Xiaoxi definitely wasn’t so!

And even if they wanted to retain all the “helpless Xiaoxi” moments in highschool, what really made me quite disappointed was how in ep 22, drama!Xiaoxi ended up getting the whole book deal through Jiangchen’s interference and through him paying for vanity publication, which I thought was doing the character such a disservice (though it highlights Jiangchen’s selflessness and sacrifice etc, but. but. but! couldn’t the drama have picked something else to showcase that). In the book, Xiaoxi got her book deal entirely through her own efforts and I really wished the drama showed that as well ):

In addition, I thought that the drama could have dwelled more on Xiaoxi’s internal thoughts. Like… why does she like art? Why did she decide to get back together with Jiangchen? Why did she get upset when Jiangchen teased her about her proposing to him (which was discussed in the book, but the drama didn’t and i think according to @ggongzhu it made it seem like she was just upset as she thought the guy should be the one proposing)?

Haha but then conversely, there are things that I thought the drama did better than the book!

1. The medium of it being a drama allows us to see Jiangchen fleshed out more compared to the book. In the main part of the book (excluding the outtakes), everything is written from xiaoxi’s first person pov. so sometimes she will write about how she feels very lowly in her relationship with jiangchen, or feels like she cares too much while he cares less, or how she rarely hears any romantic words from him; or because she misreads Jiangchen, lots of times she will think that jiangchen is angry with her when he really isn’t. But then from his small actions and from the outtakes which are written from omnipresent pov, you can tell he does care a lot about her and stuff. (Personally, the first time I read the book I was a little ?_?, and only on my second/third read did I begin to appreciate all the little moments where you can see Jiangchen’s love, ehehe)

In the drama, because we are watching from 3rd person pov, we can see all his little smiles and stuff so we know he does like her right from the beginning, which makes for very satisfying viewing, I must say. [But back to the drama’s flaws: even though this is the case, the way that the drama narrative presented him, actively doing things that hurt xiaoxi (like calling her embarrassing, like leaving her for Beijing without discussing beforehand - like he only told her when he was at the airport) when he’s upset with her/jealous, makes him seem kind of self-centred, which brings me back to the first point I made about weakening of characterisation hehe]

2. I really like the addition of the friends group! Which was not in the book :) I love Lin Jing Xiao loads and she’s such a good friend to have *_* It would have been nice seeing more of her and her astronomy career, actually (same goes for the rest of the gang)

3. I really liked the whole subplot about why Jiangchen decided to study medicine in the end. The little scenes, like his relieved smile of wonder after Lu Yang was saved by the school doctor and an adrenaline jab; him meeting the little girl in the hospital and having an unexpected convo that tugged on his heart strings; him telling Lu Yang that he also wanted to stay by Xiaoxi’s side, eee that was so poignant and lovely. Also really liked how in that same episode, we got to see some relationship development between him and his younger brother! (who did not exist in the book, ahaha)

4. It was also touching having Jiangchen actively admit that he was wrong to Xiaoxi and seeking forgiveness, especially knowing what a proud person he is :)))

haha oh man anon sorry for the word vomit!!! and I hope I did make some sense hahaha and that i’m not nitpicking ahaha. It’s just, so many things about the drama adaptation were on point - like the cast, the sets - that it just made me a little sad to have the drama narrative and script ruin it a little for me. ): let me know what you think and have a good week ahead!! :)

#a love so beautiful #致我们单纯的小美好 #replies #i'm not really sure if i'm making sense hahahaha #drama watching #random thoughts

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weirdbynorthwest · 7 years

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Notes on Northern Exposure, S01E02: “Brains, Know-How and Native Intelligence”

We begin the episode with Chris Stevens delivering his first ever “Chris in the Morning” address on the show, in Cicely’s local radio station, KBHR, or “K-Bear”. Why “K-Bear”? Well, firstly, it’s customary for radio stations to be given easily pronounceable names inspired by their initials, for the sake of marketing. But there’s an additional fun fact regarding this particular station’s origins: both KBHR and its nick-name belong to a real-life local radio station in Big Bear City, California. Surrounded by the Alaskan wilderness, Cicely undoubtedly has more than its fair share of bears, so the nickname remains appropriate.

The subject of Chris’s speech, and a significant chunk of the episode, is the 19th century poet Walt Whitman, an American literary giant and one of Chris’s leading artistic inspirations. But not everyone approves of Whitman. Chris recalls being “blindsided by the raging fist of [his] incarcerator,” at the juvenile detention home where he spent his juvenile delinquent days. This stern authority figure told Chris, in no uncertain terms, “that Walt Whitman's homoerotic, unnatural, pornographic sentiments were unacceptable and would not be allowed in an institution dedicated to reforming the ill-formed.” Whitman’s sexuality has been the subject of endless debate, but it’s generally accepted that he was either homo- or bisexual. That Whitman, “that great bear of a man, enjoyed the pleasures of other men came as a great surprise” to Chris, leading him to “reconsider the queers [he] had previously kicked around.” Yes, Chris wasn’t always the open-minded liberal we otherwise see him as. He was, in his youth, capable of homophobic violence. This makes me, a confirmed homosexual (or “homo-romantic grey-sexual,” if we’re being particular), rather sad. It also makes me more inclined to be wary and critical of Chris in this episode.

Chris reads Whitman’s “When Lilacs in the Dooryard Bloom’d” (1865), a poem written following the end of the American Civil War (1861-1865), during a period of national mourning over the then recent assassination of former president Abraham Lincoln. The poem doesn’t explicitly identify Lincoln, but it’s generally thought that that’s who the poem was about. However, the final line of the first stanza – “And thought of him I love” – may have been presented in this scene in order to underline the topic of Whitman’s sexuality. For Whitman’s clearest expression of homosexual love in verse, one should really examine the “Calamus” sequence of poems written in or before 1859, included in the third edition of Leaves of Grass, originally published in 1855. (I nearly read some to an ex-boyfriend on his birthday once. I regret not doing that. But they were aware of the thought, and I got a lot of love for it, so it balanced out.)

We catch a glimpse of Maurice fishing whilst listening to Chris’s show. He clearly isn’t impressed by all this talk of Whitman enjoying “the pleasures of other men.” Maurice was established as being, at the very least, a sexist and racist bigot in the previous episode, so any homophobia on his part wouldn’t come as a surprise. This still doesn’t prepare the viewer for what Maurice will do next.

Meanwhile, in this week’s instalment of “Will They? Won’t They?’ Joel and Maggie are in the Brick, having a go at each other over plumbing. This argument at least feels as if it springs from a natural cause, compared to last week’s glaringly-contrived-in-order-to-establish-the-formula bickering. Joel is talking to Maggie as his landlord, about a faulty toilet. Maggie teases Joel over his lack of self-reliance: why not try fixing it himself, or go out and fertilise the scenery? She winds up calling him a “helplessness junkie”, an odd turn of phrase he’ll spend half the episode grumbling about and later delight in throwing back at her, when she visits him in his surgery over a self-inflicted knee injury.

Joel’s chauvinism is out in full force again, as he offers to treat any puncture wounds Rick may have received from Maggie walking all over him in her heels. Yecch. And then he comes on to her in a way that fictional characters in a “Will They? Won’t They?” comedy set-up routinely get away with, when he says “you’re clearly attracted to me.” Of course, the show will routinely remind us she is. But in real life, if you said something like that to someone, it would be widely and rightly considered inappropriate. Unlike the utterly irredeemable and thoroughly loathsome Ross Geller in Friends (NBC, 1994-2004), Joel is a genuinely likeable character under all the sexist asshattery the writers insist upon having him say. I hope the situation improves, and soon.

Joel remarks that he’s “not the Grizzly Adams type.” This is a reference to John “Grizzly” Adams, a nineteenth-century mountain man who hunted and trained wild animals (including, you guessed it, “grizzly” bears) for use in zoos, menageries and circuses, from New England to California. An outdoorsman and a showman (he partnered up at one point with another American icon, that jack-of-all-trades P.T. Barnum), “Grizzly” Adams became, in the popular cultural consciousness, an iteration of an American frontiersman archetype, akin to Davy Crockett. Joel does not resemble that archetype at all – but Brick proprietor Holling Vincoeur, according to Joel, does. We’ll see how that comparison bears out in the episodes and seasons to come.

Meanwhile, over at K-Bear, the “raging fist” of Maurice Minnifield comes raining down on Chris Stevens like the fist of that faceless authoritarian in Chris’s juvenile detention home. I find the violence Maurice inflicts on Chris in this episode jarring. We later learn from Joel that Maurice threw Chris through a plate-glass window. We see bruises and band-aids on Chris’s face, and his arm in a plaster cast. We learn, towards the end of the episode, that Chris snuck in a decent left-hook – but that still, to my mind, doesn’t make up for what might be one of the single most unpleasant things Maurice has done on the show.

And while we’re on the subject of violence, what about Ed’s response to Joel describing his current spat with Maggie? He asks “Did you hit her?” Where did that come from? A more uncharacteristic thing for Ed to say – even just two episodes into the show – is hard to imagine. Is it meant to suggest that Ed grew up in an environment where domestic violence was the norm? Or that Cicely’s foremost cinephile learnt everything he knows about human interaction from the movies? I don’t know. I just know that it’s a weird, discomfiting line.

Ed introduces the episode’s secondary plot, which is about Ed’s uncle Anku (Frank Sotonoma “Grey Wolf” Salsedo). Ed tells Joel that his uncle is a “witch doctor,” which briefly leads them into a variation on the famous “Who’s on First?” comedy routine.

Ed’s uncle is seriously unwell – as in, there’s blood in his urine. And blood in your urine is nothing to be sniffed at. 11 years ago I had a urinary tract infection thanks to the onset of type-one diabetes. The pain was unreal. Imagine passing red hot needles instead of water. TMI? Ah, DMY. My point is, it’s not something you can comfortably ignore. And as a doctor, Joel knows it’s not something you can afford to ignore. And so, at Ed’s behest, Joel spends a significant chunk of the episode befriending Anku and trying his best to persuade him to seek medical attention. But, unbeknownst to Anku’s family, Anku has already sought medical attention and learnt that he has prostate cancer. He just needs Joel to pressure him into swallowing his pride as a medicine man before seeking further treatment.

Joel will, in dealing with Anku, realise in an on-screen “eureka!” of an epiphany that pride is the theme binding all the episode’s narrative threads together. Anku’s pride, his own pride, Maggie’s pride, Maurice’s pride, are all wrapped up in a neat little package. Is it too neat, too tidy? Maybe, but I like it. It’s a reassuring sign that Joel’s character won’t remain static, that he’ll gain new insight into the town and its characters, learn new things and continue to develop over the course of the series.

“Keeping it in the family”: Mrs. Anku is played by Armenia Miles, the mother of Elaine Miles, who plays Joel’s secretary, Marilyn Whirlwind. In future episodes, she’ll play Marilyn’s mother.

Anku asks Joel if he’s ever seen the film Little Big Man (dir. Arthur Penn, 1970), in which Dustin Hoffman plays a man who, as a white child, was rescued and raised by a Cheyenne tribe. Is Anku drawing a connection between the Jewish actor and Jewish doctor, to whom he imparts some of his own “native intelligence”?

Joel, after explaining that he can’t keep chasing after Anku, pleads with Ed not to “do this northern brooding thing, I can’t stand Bergman films.” Is Joel intentionally using sophisticated cinema references he knows Ed will get? Because if so, that’s kinda cute. Couple that with Ed watching Joel as he sleeps, and I wonder if anyone, anywhere, at any time, has thought to ship these two characters?

As Maurice takes full control of radio K-Bear we learn he’s a huge fan of musical theatre, something that’s often been depicted as a stereotypical trait of gay men (less so these days, but very much so in the nineties). Is the episode replaying the old, unhelpful cliché that “all homophobes are repressed homosexuals”? I don’t think so. It certainly doesn’t underline or lean into that idea. As much as Maurice’s showtunes are driving the residents of Cicely crazy, he’s never mocked for the fact that he enjoys showtunes.

At a town meeting, angry Cicelians call for the reinstatement of Chris Stevens as radio presenter. Maurice isn’t having it. “One of our own, Chris Stevens, made a mistake,” he “did a bad thing” and “he had to pay for it.” What was that mistake? We get an answer, of sorts, when Maurice returns to the airwaves the next day and attempts to explain his recent behaviour. It’s a speech that causes the entire town to stop in its tracks, suggesting we should stop in our tracks too and take what Maurice is saying seriously.

Maurice recalls his devastation upon discovering, as a child, that his hero John Wayne didn’t do his own stunts. The gist of it is, Maurice doesn’t want his heroes to be humanized, to have their weaknesses exposed. “Sure, we’re all human,” but do we have to be reminded that our heroes are human too? Maurice is an advocate of the “Great Man” theory of history, the idea that the greatest achievements in human history were brought about by great men (and with his ego, he no doubt fancies himself one). Maurice wants his heroes to remain on their marble pedestals as untainted paragons of manly virtue. “We need our heroes. We need men we can look up to. Believe in. Men who walk tall.” Of course it doesn’t occur to Maurice, just as it doesn’t occur to most advocates of the “Great Man” conception of history, that those heroes could include women or minorities.

Maurice considers Walt Whitman a hero. Though “Walt Whitman was a pervert,” in Maurice’s bigoted view, “he was the best poet that America ever produced.” Maurice concedes that Whitman was, most likely, a homosexual. He’d just rather not know or be reminded of that. Because Maurice is a homophobic bigot who believes that homosexuality is a weakness, a character flaw that should be hidden from view, never to be acknowledged. But just because Maurice believes that “there are damn few of us who deserve to be called heroes” and that, despite his own bigotry, Whitman deserves the title of hero, doesn’t make Maurice less wrong or less of a bigot.

And yet, as the speech prompts Chris to go and apologise to Maurice, the episode seems to come down firmly on Maurice’s side of the argument. Not that there’s actually been an argument. No one in town has attempted to argue the opposite of Maurice’s position – that a knowledge of Whitman’s probable homosexuality does nothing to diminish him or his work. The implicit and unfortunate assumption in this episode is that it does diminish Whitman. That’s why we have Chris apologising to Maurice, saying that he also doesn’t want people reading Walt Whitman for “the wrong reasons.” What reasons are those, Chris? The only reason suggested in the episode comes from Ruth-Anne, when she tells Joel that all the Whitman has been taken out of the library as there’s “nothing like an interesting sex-life to get people reading.”

So, is Chris suggesting that he doesn’t want people reading Whitman because of his sexuality? Why not? Whitman’s “Calamus” poems meant a lot to me when I was younger, and I would never have discovered them had I not heard about Whitman’s sexuality and the poems’ reputation. I see in them a beautiful expression of the romantic feelings I then had for my ex-boyfriend, and I can’t read them now without getting misty-eyed. Like a lot of great poetry, the poems powerfully describe feelings of romantic/erotic longing, the distinction being that they clearly describe feelings of romantic/erotic longing between men. It isn’t “subtext.” You don’t have to “read between the lines.” It’s there, in the words on the page. Whitman’s sexuality informs his writing, even if his writing isn’t explicitly sexual.

Unfortunately, in the nineties there persisted this idea that homosexuality was something to be guarded against, lest it corrupt our children or our own imaginations when engaged in the intellectual enjoyment of nineteenth-century verse. Depending on where you are in the world, it’s an attitude that still persists or even prevails. And this episode of Northern Exposure appears to embody it.

For me, Whitman’s “Calamus” poems are a powerful reminder of a time in my life when I was young and happy and in love. But Chris appears to be suggesting that I’m reading Whitman wrong. Well… Fuck you Chris. There’s nothing wrong with highlighting the fact that Walt Whitman was likely gay or bi, or that a significant number of his poems appear to have been informed by his own homoerotic desire. It can do a lot of people – gay or bisexual people, for example – a lot of good to know that people who felt the way they do existed in the 19th century, and that they wrote beautiful verse you could share with a loved one.

It should be clear by now that, unlike Maurice, I don’t believe it’s a mistake to humanize our heroes. Knowing Mark Twain loves cats humanizes him. In no way does it diminish my love of Mark Twain (but then I’m a cat person, so I’m biased). Other than the very worst literary critics, who really wants to see the likes of Twain and Whitman reduced to cold, lifeless marble statues in the Pantheon of the American Literary Canon? It does us no harm, either, to learn the personal and political beliefs of our heroes, especially if we don’t want people thinking we share certain of those beliefs. Hero worship is problematic in general, but it’s impossible for us not to admire people, to have our own personal heroes. But as we grow and change over the course of our lives, we shouldn’t be afraid to update that list.

In the course of its run, Northern Exposure introduced a gay male couple; confirmed that its founders, Cicely and Roslyn, were a lesbian couple; and was the second US TV show to feature a gay wedding (the first being Roc [Fox, 1994-1994]). Northern Exposure was not only on the right side of history, it was consistently ahead of its time. If I’ve been especially hard on this episode, it’s because I know how far it falls short of the show’s future accomplishments.

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itsahamandjlaur-blog · 8 years

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Alexander? Meet Alexander.

Prompt: I was speaking with my best friend & partner in crime & A. Ham on this blog the other day, and we had this awesome idea. It is kinda based on the Van Gogh Doctor Who episode, it is my favorite...

Summary: Alexander Hamilton has somewhat escaped the duel and ended up...in 2015?

Word count: 1500

Warnings: none, maybe a swear word, I don’t remember. Y/N stands for your name, obviously.

Disclaimer: I had to set it in 2015 so that: a. Lin was still Hamilton; and b. Duel anniversary. It is my first Hamilton/Lin x reader fic so I’m sorry if it sucks....I’m not really expecting much but I had this idea on the top of my head and I just had to write it down, because, well. I am not throwing away my shot!

I hope you like this!

-J. Laurens

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Alexander was facing Aaron, probably for the last time. The two men were looking each other in the eyes, a look that seemed to say “I don’t want this, but it is the only way”. Aaron was determined not to die, his jaw was clenched. Alexander was strangely calm, his glasses on. He seemed old, the death of his son ruined him, the scandals he contributed to create didn’t help his family; Alexander was helpless. He had nothing to lose, not anymore. He was ready and willing to die. They silently turned, and started to count to ten while walking in position, then turned. It all happened so fast, Alexander saw all his life pass in front of him; he was willing to let it go, but then he saw Eliza, and felt a weird wind blow in his face, saw the world spin around him and felt like fainting. He was dying. Hell, he probably was dead.

“Sir? Sir, are you ok?” you said, nudging the body with a stick you found in the nearby. Alexander opened his eyes, he was alive! But who were you? Where was Burr? Why on earth were you dressed with PANTS? Alexander pointed his gun at you and you lifted your arms in surrender. “Dude, chill. I’m here to help you. By the way, you are kind of sleeping on a monument, so get up before the cops will come and get you.” You said, offering him a hand. He took it, then bowed and introduced himself “I’m Alexander Hamilton, at your service, m’lady.” Your first reaction was laugh. “Yeah, you are Alexander Hamilton, sure. Didn’t know they changed the actor.” You were fan of the musical, and you didn’t get this guy. Alexander Hamilton died 211 years ago, he couldn’t be standing in front of you. “I don’t know who you are, but I am Alexander Hamilton, I’m not an actor. I was dueling against- “He said, buy you rudely interrupted him saying: “-Aaron Burr, Burr shot you, he stroke right between you ribs, you died in the arms of Angelica and Eliza. I know. Everyone knows your story, you are like on Broadway and on the 10-dollar bill. Everyone knows your story. Now come on, before someone sees you with that gun.” You told him to disarm the gun and give it to you, then you took his hand and guided him to your apartment. You were unlocking the door when you heard him clear his throat “Yes?” you turned, looking at him “I don’t think this is appropriate, miss. I don’t even know who you are and where I am. Why should I enter your house?” he said, you froze and remembered you didn’t introduce yourself. “Oh, pardon. Sir. My name is [Y/N]. And we are in New York. Please, come in, have a glass of water.” You said, while unlocking the door and stepping inside. He looked the apartment and stepped in, unsure of what he had to do. He mirrored your actions and removed his boots, placing them neatly next to the door, then he lifted his gaze towards you, who briefly smiled at him and gestured to follow in your kitchen. “Have a seat.” You said, leaning against the sink. He asked for a glass of water, which you gave to him with a smile. “So, Mr. Hamilton. What happened? How did you arrive there?” You asked, plopping on a chair, your elbows on the table and your chin on your hands. “I was…shot, by Aaron Burr. My vision started to blur and it all started to spin and then you woke me up. I think it was the same spot of the duel. What day are we?” “July 12, 2015. It’s the anniversary of the duel, Mr. Hamilton.” You said, then excused yourself. You were friend with one of the swings of the Public Theatre, who offered you tickets if you wanted to see it, so you phoned her.

“Hey Lily. It’s me [Y/N]” you said. “[Y/N], hey! How are you?” “I’m good, thanks. Do you think you could make me a favour? Get me two tickets for Hamilton for like, tonight?” you said, hoping for a yes. You really had to speak with Lin-Manuel. You loved the man and thought that maybe, letting him meet Alexander was a great idea. “Yes, of course I can! But I’ll expect you backstage, you and your companion…” She said, you could practically hear her smirk. “Thanks! You’re my saviour! See you later!” “Later!”

A moment later you were back at Alexander, you told him to go and take a shower, you had to explain how to use one because he didn’t know, same with the toilet, and then gave him some clothes that belonged to some previous boyfriend and took him out to shop for some clothes that would fit him better and that would be appropriate for the play. Alexander almost died when he saw his face on the $10 bill.

You two made your way back to your apartment and you both got dressed in your fancy clothes. Almost half an hour before the play begun, you two were already in front of the Public Theatre, let inside by the security guy who had your name and a “plus one”. You two took your seats and waited for the play to begin. Alexander didn’t understand why his name was all around the place, and you just hoped for having took the good decision. You were lost in your train of thoughts when the familiar tune of the opening started to play. You felt yourself smiling and clapping along. It was the first time you were seeing it, with your work at the Natural History Museum and the lectures at NYU you really didn’t have found the time to go and see it; but Lily had managed to make you listen to it and make you become obsessed.

Soon, there was the break and you turned to Alexander, who was shocked and was crying. “This…I…” he managed to say “Shhh, everything is fine, Mr. Hamilton, everything is fine.” You said, awkwardly patting his arm in sign of support.

Act two began and you found yourself humming and singing along. Alexander sometimes muttered things like “this is not really what happened” or “She was already married”, but most of the time you found him smiling and keeping the beat with his shoe against the floor. When “Say No To This” came up, he blushed, feeling a bit of shame for what he did. Then Philip died and he was crying, as if his son was dying for a second time. During “It’s Quiet Uptown” he cried again, begging Eliza for forgiveness.

When the musical ended and the actors bowed, he stood up and cheered louder than the others; he turned towards you and thanked you, you just lowered your head and smiled a shy smile, then took his hand and went backstage, where Lily was waiting for you.

“Lily!” You said, hugging your friend, “Hey [Y/N]! How are you! Did you like it?” she asked hugging you back “I loved it! It is even more beautiful, if possible. This is Alexander,” you said, introducing the Man himself to your friend. He smiled and took her hand, then kissed it. Lily blushed and bowed. “I’m Lily, nice to meet you. Come with me, the cast would like to meet you! I told Lin so much about you-“ “You did what?!” you said, but before she could reply, Lin himself appeared in front of you. “Lin! I was coming to see you! This is my friend, [Y/N]. And that’s her friend Alexander.” Lily said, you two shook hands with Lin and Lily went away, leaving you three alone. “Mr Miranda, sorry to bother you but I really had to come and see you,” you started. “Please, call me Lin. And why exactly?” He said, crossing his arms. “I am Alexander Hamilton. And I would like to thank you, sir. For remembering me.” Alexander said. Lin looked like as if he had just seen a ghost. Alexander was crying and thanking Lin, who was crying as well and hugging the Founding Father. “Sir, I believe in destiny, and I say that it is destiny that made this thing happen. Thank you so much sir.” Lin said. They were talking about Hamilton’s own life, and for once, you knew you had done the right thing.

After the big talk, you returned at home with Alexander, you two hugged as if you were old friends and went to sleep, you offered him your spare room. The morning after, though, the man was gone. He had written you a letter. It wasn’t a dream, but a sort of short time spell-time travel. He had returned to his time and nothing had changed, except the fact that he had mentioned him in his will, and Eliza had remembered you as the angel who saved him.

#alexander hamilton #lin manuel miranda #lin x reader #lin manuel x reader #hamilton x reader #one shot #hamilton #duel #burr #laurens #fan fiction #founding fathers #10$ bill #lin manuel miranda x reader #alexander hamilton x reader #hamilton and laurens #john laurens

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