#how did i survive those +100 days i'll never know

[gracefullou]

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[dutifullylazybread]

Hi! Could I ask for hcs of Zevlor being a father figure for fem!Tav?

Absolutely! I do primarily write these lists in the second person, but if any pronouns are mentioned, I'll go ahead and use ‘she/her.’ 

The timing for this request is a bit funny to me, because the headcanon request following this is for Zevlor in a much different context. 🤣

I have a really bad habit of using the plot of BG3 as a framework for my headcanon lists, so kind of like what I did before, I have general headcanons, and then I have a scenario driven list. 

NOTE: she/her pronouns are used for Tav in this list.

Zevlor as a Father Figure for Fem!Tav

General headcanons

Zevlor was a commander who watched over plenty of young recruits. He mourned those who died and celebrated those who climbed the ranks. He acted as a mentor for many of them, but he never would have thought of himself as a father figure.

You are a bit different. 

He easily falls into the habit of asking if you have eaten or if you need something to drink.

He ultimately wants to make sure that you can survive on your own, because then he feels like he has helped you in a meaningful way.

He has a hundred hidden skills, like sewing, and plenty of patience to impart that knowledge to you. 

But he also thinks he is doing you a disservice if he doesn't teach you those skills.

So, yes, he's going to mend the tear in your cloak, but he's also going to make you follow along and mend a smaller tear.

Will grin ear to ear when you perfect a whip stitch.

Zevlor feels the most accomplished when he can teach you something, but he also has to fight the impulse to offer up useful information at every given opportunity. 

Watch him struggle to not point out forageable mushrooms.

He will try in a very roundabout way to teach you what is forageable because he will be damned if his chil—no, this young adventurer—can't feed herself.

So the day you visit him with a perfectly dressed rabbit has him tearing up.

He doesn't expect you to be a warrior like him. He would never impose the difficulties of that life on anyone. But he does want to make sure that you can defend yourself.

If you choose to pursue the life of a warrior, he'll listen to you talk about your victories and your hardships. Should you ask for advice, he will offer it.

He isn't going to be the sort of person to give you unsolicited advice (though he will feel like he is dying if he thinks he can help you work towards a solution and you don't ask).

And, perhaps because you have sought his counsel when it comes to training as a warrior, and because he has taken an interest in not only your growth as a warrior but also the social aspects, you do find it easy to confide in him.

You might initially feel bad for venting about something, but Zevlor assures you he doesn't mind.

He soon becomes your closest confidant.

He will ask if you want advice or if you just want to talk things out. But regardless, he safeguards your secrets with the devotion one can expect of a paladin.

Zevlor isn't the sort of person to outright say “I dislike this idea” or “I dislike so-and-so,” but he does that patented mouth twist/pucker when you mention said idea/person. 

“I get the sense that you don't like ___”

“Hmm. I suppose I'm not too fond of how reckless they can be. You'll have to forgive an old man for worrying.”

Also, he is absolutely, 100% the father who will say “I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed.” And if he doesn't say it, he still conveys it with the parent-patented ‘face.’

He won't lie and pretend he isn't protective of you.

If he feels that you have been wronged deeply and irreparably, it's going to take everything in him to not strike out on your behalf.

Everything.

But he also knows that he has taught you to act with a level head, and if he were to respond in a way that runs counter to what he has tried to instill in you, then what was the point?

Maybe it's because he is a Paladin of Helm, or maybe it's because he found his daughter in the last place he'd thought to look, but he wants to shield you from all harm.

He has to come to terms with the fact that he can't always protect you. And the realization nearly destroys him.

But it's in that realization that you mean so much to him that gives him pause.

And he realizes how proud he is of you, and how he wants to remain a part of your life.

Assuming that you want Zevlor to remain in your life, then he will be there for you at every single important juncture (and all of the points in between).

He's there for every heartbreak.

And he's there for every victory.

In everything but blood, he is a father to you.

He is there when you need to make home repairs, ready to offer a helping hand.

He is there at the first sign of trouble

He's there when you need to cry or be angry

And he wouldn't choose to be anywhere else

And when all is said and done, when the storms have passed and the world is quiet, he looks at you and says, “For what it's worth I'm proud of you.”

Scenario-driven Headcanons: Following Game Events - Zevlor as a Mentor and then a Father-figure

Zevlor never expected to serve as a parental figure in any capacity—least of all for an adventurer who stumbled into his path during one of the most stressful times of his life.

But something about you makes him feel paternal.

Maybe there were aspects of yourself that reminded him of when he was a newly recruited Hellrider—unsure of the world but desperate to prove himself all the same—that made him feel that he could, perhaps, act as a mentor to you.

At first, he acts as more of an advisor and a teacher. If you mention in passing that your traveling party is heading to one location or another, he’ll offer to review maps of the area with you. He has done some scouting around the Grove, so he’ll make suggestions about what to avoid and what routes were safest.

If you run any training drills, Zevlor will watch from a distance. He won’t offer feedback immediately—not unless he notices that you’re getting frustrated or that something in your technique creates a lethal opening for your foes. Otherwise, he will wait for you to ask him his thoughts. 

He’s also more than content to train with you. He’s strict, but he is a patient teacher. Though he is usually reserved and level-handed with his counsel, the one thing he will never hold back on is your form while training. If he lies to you about that, then he fears that he is sentencing you to death or a serious injury.

But as time goes on, he becomes more aware of your tells—he knows when you aren’t eating or sleeping well. And though he usually wouldn’t pester someone whose health didn’t directly impact the overall safety and well being of the other tieflings, he can’t help but worry about you. He knows that you’re stressed about something (you did come to the Grove in search of a healer, after all), but he doesn’t know what that might be.

So, initially, he might broach the topic by asking if there is enough to eat on the road. He might offer to patch up your blankets or your tent if there are any notable tears.

But if those gentle questions/offers don’t get much in the way of results, he will ask you if you are taking care of yourself.

After training with you, he’ll make a point of fetching you a bowl of stew and seeing to it that you eat a few bites.

Though making sure you get rest is trickier, he will start to ask if you are sleeping enough. He feels like he is dangerously close to crossing a line, but he is worried.

He might not fall apart if you return to the Grove injured, but he won’t tolerate you not getting immediate medical attention. 

After you defeat the goblins, Zevlor is practically beaming. He realizes that this is more than just relief over you being alive and the path being cleared for the refugees—he is proud of you.

He won’t claim to have played a role in your growth as a person. More than likely he’ll joke and say that he just made sure that you were holding the right end of a sword.

If you thank him for his guidance, he’ll refocus the discussion to your achievements.

He asks that you be careful on the road to Baldur’s Gate, and he’ll wish you safe travels.

So imagine how he feels when you find him trapped in the Mind Flayer colony.

Not only is he now dealing with the guilt over the Absolute invading his mind and having him urge the other tieflings to surrender, but now he sees you, the young adventurer who put their trust in him.

And that is enough to wreck him.

He wants to beg your forgiveness for not upholding this image of justice and valor, for perhaps going back on the morals that he conveyed to you whilst he mentored you.

If you respond with kindness, he will think he is undeserving. He will try to reject your forgiveness. But he won't deny the sense of pride that burns in his chest. He may have not played a role in your upbringing, but to know that he helped guide a warrior who possessed a moral compass that allowed for forgiveness? Especially for him? It makes him want to try again. 

If you respond from a place of hurt/betrayal, he will accept how you feel. He won't flinch away if you berate him or yell at him. After what happened in the Shadow-Cursed Lands, how can he? He is now an Oath Breaker. He has lost everything. Perhaps he should have seen that he would fail as a mentor too.

But he wants to try again. He wants to redeem himself. It might not be possible, but he wants to strive to fill the image that you created of him in your mind. He might never attain it, but he's going to do his damnedest.

Regardless of how you respond, Zevlor implores you to take care. He doesn't care what happens to him, but the thought of you dying rattles him.

After Ketheric is defeated and everyone gathers in the throne room, Zevlor will observe from the shadows. 

He doesn't make himself known to anyone. He just wanted to make sure that you were alive before he moved on.

And with the knowledge that you and your companions survived, he departs for Baldur's Gate. 

He is proud of you. And he is so, so scared. 

So, within Act 3, as far as I have observed/read, Zevlor doesn't reappear until the final battle (assuming you saved him in the Mind Flayer colony).

But I'm taking some liberties here.

After what happened in the Shadow-Cursed Lands, Zevlor is too ashamed to be around you.

But he is also so, so worried. 

He knows you're a capable warrior. He spent weeks training you. 

But suddenly that training doesn't seem like enough. Why couldn't he have urged you to stay for a few more hours that one day? He might have noticed that your swing was a bit too wide or that you left your right side vulnerable when you feinted that one time. Why the hells didn't he take the time to help you perfect your technique?

Perfection might not save you from all threats, but it gave you a better chance of survival.

Needless to say, he lays awake most nights gripped with anxiety.

Are you actually alright? Have you been injured?

He doesn't have a lot of money to his name, but he spends what he does have reading the newspaper, coveting whatever tidbits of information about you is printed that day.

He quietly celebrates your victories, and he mourns your losses from afar.

He decides one evening to toast one of your wins at the Elfsong.

And he sees you. You're laughing and joking with your friends. Despite everything that has happened. You're bruised and exhausted, but you're smiling in that moment.

He didn't intend on running into you, and he immediately makes himself scarce.

He ducks into an alleyway and lets himself cry. 

That adventurer, so bright and full of potential, is now a hero. 

He's scared, he's proud, and seeing you stealing a moment of joy for yourself before diving back into the fray has him simultaneously laughing and sobbing.

While he had been hesitant to make himself known to you before, he commits to standing with you at the end.

So he focuses on healing his body and honing his strength. He might renew his vows as a paladin.

But regardless, he is there when you enter the High Hall, and regardless of how you two parted in the Mind Flayer colony, he pledges his strength to you.

He might not be at your side in the final battle, but he keeps the enemy off of your back. 

He fights like the Hellrider Commander he has always been. 

And he watches you defeat the Netherbrain.

He isn't the first to congratulate you. No, he doesn't want to interfere in the moment that you share with your companions.

But he is there at the end, brimming with pride. 

Before you leave to join your companions at the Elfsong, the two of you sit down on the edge of the jetty, looking out on the Chionthar. 

The battle is over. You've won.

Zevlor might not hug you. He might not tell you that you are the child he never thought he'd have.

But he tells you how proud he is of you. And, should you be open to it, he'd like to stay in your life. Be that in the smallest of capacities, where you and he occasionally get a drink and you catch him up on your life, or in a larger capacity, where you seek him out for counsel and training, he wants to see where life will take you.

Should you be in agreement, Zevlor is a very consistent presence in your life. 

At first, he is there when you call on him.

But at a certain point, he just gets a sense for when you need him there.

He never wants to barge in, but he'll make excuses to swing by and check on you.

Initially, he thought he would always be a mentor to you. And to a certain degree, he still is.

He never expected to be the shoulder you leaned on while you cried. 

He never expected that you would make a point to celebrate his birthday with him.

He most certainly didn't expect you to consider his input on life-changing decisions. 

But there he is, rubbing circles into your back as you weep over the loss of a companion.

There he is, confused and dewy-eyed as you push a gift into his hands and wish him a happy birthday.

There he is, watching you accomplish the impossible.

He might not have thought he'd ever be a father, let alone a father figure.

But he is more than content to fill that role for you.

[system-of-a-feather]

Honestly I think people on here really greatly under acknowledge and recognize the large impact / large trauma that comes from intergenerational trauma from colonization, systemic racism, and not-white America centered trauma. And I know that likely has to do with how massively white tumblr dot com is, but it really isn't until I was around my writing partner that has known me for more than half my life and talking with another peer with Chinese-Indonesian background did it really occur to me how intensely pervasive intergenerational trauma due to US involvement in SE Asia is and how it plays / impacts my life.

A lot of non-America centered trauma and abuse really doesn't fall into any of the real common ways people talk about abuse, neglect and trauma because a lot of that sort of trauma is way more complex and nuanced because a lot of the nature of HOW / WHY that abuse, neglect and trauma occurred is inherently tied a lot more into a history of community / collective trauma and abuse and the ways the individuals from those areas 1) had to survive and 2) the resources that they had available to work with and 3) the inability / difficulty for individuals who are transmitting that intergenerational trauma to realize that they are not in that situation anymore and thus not unintentionally recreate the environment / mindset / trauma for the kids going on

And I'm saying "inability / difficulty" in this case because while I agree that the rhetoric of "it doesn't matter if an abuser has trauma, they could have not continued it" is true in most cases, in my experience especially with my own intergenerational trauma, some people have systemically been stripped of basically any real resources or aid or opportunity or space to really "stop the cycle of abuse" and even at their obvious BEST attempts, they still end up in a position where they systemically really can't prevent it from passing on

It was a joke - a very real joke, but that is something I appreciate with my close friends because it reminds me to check my anxieties against reality - that I "act like I still am in Indonesia" (which for the record, I have never been in Indonesia, I'm the only one in my family that hasn't because I wasn't born when they were there) as a call back to when I was commentating on the complex and dynamic financial situation my family had growing up to which my friend told me "Yeah, but it doesn't matter if you had money or not if your dad constantly lived like he was still in Indonesia" which like... 100% true

And its honestly a really fucking hard thing to work through and overcome. Factually, ON MY OWN - ie not including my fiance who is ALSO in a similar situation on his own, I am financially pretty well off. Every month I make good savings and I have a pretty fat cushion in case things go bad, and so I very much CAN afford to buy myself a $6 fidget toy, but spending that $6 feels like fucking death itself a lot of the time.

I honestly don't know if I'll ever feel as if my financial situation is anything other than broke, not because of income or anything, but just because the factual amount of money I make isn't what controls if I feel financially comfortable / well off or not. I could probably have a half million in the bank and still be sweating about spending $6 on a fidget toy.

And honestly, I was watching 90 day fiance with my friends when I was traveling, and one of the dynamics (for those that know Ashley and Manuel) REALLY made it apparent how disconnected multi-generational Americans can be towards immigrant / immigrant families that have had to come to America for a chance at a better life. It's an experience - a trauma that a lot of people who are not an immigrant themselves or a first generation American to wrap their head around and fathom.

And honestly, I wish there was more talk about it. I wish there were more people with that history talking about it.

(I 'lowkey' start venting under here so Imma put it under the cut since it detracts somewhat from the point but its also worth stating)

I wish there were more people openly discussing how absolutely fucked it is that the US gets to come into countries, INTENTIONALLY fuck it up as a CONFIRMED and ADMITTED method to 'instill democracy / capitalism', and then the same people that from the same country that the US fucked over - for PURE survival - have to immigrate for a chance of living a life that is anything other than rough and a constant struggle.

Some people really wonder why it is that our system has such a foul taste in our mouth for America, I know some people think that because before fusing, >I< wondered why XIV was so deeply and intensely bitter about all things American, and I absolutely get it.

Indonesia was literally intentionally and systemically fucked over by the US Military. That fucking over resulting in immense trauma to my dad that not only immensely translated to me, but also made him EXTREMELY subservient in a "keep your head down, lick the boots of the most powerful person, and enjoy living under the boot of those in power because its the only way to have peace" which is something we - specifically XIV in the past - had internalized deeply which is why were were pretty far down the right wing path and why - when XIV looked at it closer and immediately saw past it - flipped to hard Anti-America values. Because its FUCKED that the US gets to come and ruin a country and then have the victims come and having the same victims "thankfully" licking the boots of the US for giving them a "better life".

Its honestly awful and literally no one talks about it and I know its not just Indonesia that has this. Its the fucking US's modus operandi and its fucking awful.

The US is a place you can come "to get a better life" largely because they fucking ruined most of the other places ability to have a good life.

[butmakeitgayblog]

I would like to run over Lexa, resurrect her, kiss her better and run over her again.

She loved (loves) you for fuck sake, she told you that and you broke up with her?!

Listen.

I know she had reasons, and I know Clarke is not entirely innocent here (even though until now she's just a babe but I trust you), but I would be so furious if I was Clarke when Lexa will eventually confess her feelings.

Can you imagine feeling not enough for someone you love? To know to be not enough because even though you are indeed soulmates, the person you are sure to be THE one, broke up with you? And you know why, or maybe you think you do, but she's still rejected you.

I'm so mad.

I know Lexa comes from a place of survival instinct and pain, but I'm so furious.

SHE TOLD HER SHE LOVES HER.

SHE SHOWS YOU THAT.

I'm... I'm so sad for the both of them, but because I was once in Clarke shoes, it's so sad I want to hug her.

In most of the ff Lexa is the one portrait as tough and still fragile, strong and delicate, but to observe Clarke being put aside (I know they still keep seeing each other, and being cute to each other and loving but it's... Not... You know? Enough?).

And to marry someone that you know, you KNOW is not the one for you but you do it anyway because you gave up on your soulmate, you chose the second best option... I really wanna run over Lexa.

I want to hug her really tight and punch her with love until she understands.

And then I want to hug Clarke and push their faces together while I whisper "And now... Kith... AND STAY TOGETHER OR I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN."

Sorry.

My doctor would be a little bit disappointed about my heart rate right now.

I read this 3 times cackling 😭 (not the part about you, that im very sorry for and I'm sorry you can relate 😔 if you ever wanna send asks aboit Clarke's perspective you can! It help balance this out a bit because so far everything has been filtered through Lexa's pov)

Listen these are all valid things to feel. Lexa is very stupid in some ways, but those ways are indeed born out of insecurity and problems with accepting her self-worth.

I do want to point tho, just as a possible way to kind of... console the anger we all feel here, Clarke was not at all alone in how much she threw herself into this relationship. Lexa absolutely, 100%, just melted herself into Clarke. This 19 year old kid went from having no stability beyond her own work ethic, and no one who she felt cared about her, to having this sarcastic, mouthy, and genuinely weird little blonde lady who was very pretty and very much in love with her. And she did devote herself and her time and every ounce of her disgustingly robust affections to Clarke whenever they were together. Lexa forgot the world just to be near her, because that was obviously the only place she was meant to be.

But that was the problem.

Just how much she actually devoted herself and her time to Clarke became the problem. I mean it did more than that, there are other thoughts and emotions and insecurities at play that Lexa will word-vomit out eventually, bUT the crux of it all came down to her not having the emotional maturity to know how to balance a love that big, along with everything else.

But she never stopped loving Clarke. Not once. And while, no, she wasn't entirely truthful with Clarke or herself about what kind of love for years, and while it certainly wasn't "enough" (i know, for lack of a better word here), it was still incredibly palpable to anyone around her. It was tangible and demonstrative enough that it kept Clarke right there with her for almost a decade. It was intense enough and blatant enough that Costia gave up even trying to compete in under a year. There is just no questioning it when they're together. Everyone sees it pretty much immediately: Lexa is head over heels in love with that girl.

And that was the thing... Clarke saw it too. She felt it every single day.

She's just kinda stupid too 🥴

So I hear you, I do. Breathe lol. Check the pulse bby it's ok I promise. Just distract yourself with thoughts of them married with lil Griffin babies that Lexa cooks up herself simply because she loves Clarke that much

[kaveuh]

knights + natsume (or just natsume and leo) with a minecraft streamer s/o! idk i think it’d be funny :9 <3

"MINECRAFT" leo tsukinaga + natsume sakasaki

author's note — help me how do people come up with titles im so bad at them LITEEALLY I JUST PUT “minecraft” AND RAN WITH IT.

warning(s) / notes — very unfunny jokes, dnf joke abuse (i dont even like them dawg…), goofy

LEO TSUKINAGA

100% your most supportive twitch subscriber. he's always early in your streams, it doesn't matter what he's doing. whether that'd be composing, running around outside, bothering izumi… the moment he hears that twitch notification, he's joining your live. (he's literally only subscribed to you.)

leo spams your chat most of the time! your subscribers know him as the "[name] fan ever" and they are correct. he is your #1 fan and supporter, and that will remain until the day he dies! if anyone ever tries to take that title from him, they'll have to personally assassinate leo. (/j)

he doesn't play minecraft often, but when he does, he's always either building bases, chopping wood, mining cobblestones, or making the farm. bro also puts his minecraft bed to yours and overuses the "dnf" joke whenever he sees anything green and blue in the game.

your subscribers love him. he's always playing with those noteblocks, especially when he's in creative mode.

i mentioned that he never really does any fighting or deep mining, so imagine, when you're sweating your ass off protecting a village from a raid, he says shit like: "go, go, [name]! if you win this, i'll give you a smooch!"

it catches you so off guard that your chat eventually teases you since you end up so red afterwards. (also started to try hard in a blocks game .. he did give you a kiss and flowers after, though.)

also promotes his unit by building bootleg knights members in minecraft LMFAO.

+ playing minecraft bedwars with leo… oh, what a mess. and inviting the rest of knights, as well?! you're in for a ride… they are tryhards! TRYHARDS! except maybe tsukasa. and leo protects the bed while he lets you do all the pvp shit. he's your personal supporter ♡!

NATSUME SAKASAKI

he's a gamer.. me thinks. he looks like he plays league in his free time. and minecraft, occasionally. his diamond luck is insame, you'd think he's using x-ray. probably got banned at a server for finding diamonds within 15 minutes of joining.

natsume's the type to rage in bedwars LMAO. he played with tsumugi once and he almost murdered him for letting the bed get destroyed after looking away for 2 minutes. he's so good at the game though, it's scary. (tryhard!)

like leo, he's also your #1 subscriber! he donates every single time, even if you tell him not to and that his support is enough. natsume doesn’t listen, because it's… natsume sakasaki, do you really think he'd listen? didn't think so. he definitely also got tsumugi and wataru to donate without even meaning to.

he watches your stream no matter where he is! if he's in the middle of practice and knows that you're streaming around this time, he will sit down in a corner and watch it on his phone. sora joins him, as well, while tsumugi's just letting him be knowing that he'll probably get murdered if he even tried to take natsume's phone away… especially if he's watching his beloved stream.

your chat 100% finds natsume hilarious (you don’t). he occasionally joins your stream on a discord call and will play either skywars, bedwars, or just a regular survival world you two made. he's always dying in the world, though. it's almost pitiful LMAO.

HE PLAYS SWITCH SONGS IN THE STREAM TOO!! and you let him because their songs are bangers. + chat loves them, so who are you to refuse?

[the-royal-bat-snake]

Oh yeah I guess I kinda forgot to make this announcement ever.

I'm not really gonna be on tumblr anymore? I know that looks unsure and it's because I am.

I've been here, in mcytblr, since 2019. I was here for all the major dramas, I survived all of our mass extinction events, so it's weird to me to just leave. And I'm not really, tumblr sends me emails when people @ me and I always check those, so if people need me I'll be available. Also a lot of you have my Discord, and if you want it for some reason you can just message me I'm not really hiding.

But I'm leaving because genuinely I was stressing myself out. I am very big about managing notifications and looking at every single one, which was fine when I only followed 20 blogs. I follow 100 blogs and I have notifications on for over half of them. That is not sustainable and every time I got behind I was worried I was missing something. I got so caught up in being one of the last blogs remaining from several burned corpses of fandom spaces that I lost the fact that that Doesn't Fucking Matter. I'm just a guy. I don't need to know what’s happening all the time here. It's not important.

I got a new phone recently and it didn't automatically log into tumblr for me. I didn't realize for a few days honestly, which really proves I was getting worked up over nothing. So I just. Never logged in. I planned to make a post on my laptop. Never did that either. Only logged in because Elvie said they were deleting art from a blog and I wanted to make sure I didn't miss anything in the past few months. Only opened today because tumblr sent me an email about someone following me and decided to check Elvie's blog to see how they were doing.

I mean this in the nicest way possible to myself: I don't matter here. Nothing is going to implode because I decided not to log on unless someone needs me for something, or they just wanna show me a cool bat.

I think making posts about leaving websites is a bit dramatic, especially since I'm not really leaving and I might try and come back in like 2 months knowing me. But I have made friends here, and even if we don't talk often or at all I do want it to be clear what happened and that y'all can contact me for anything.

Feel free to @ me for anything or dm me for anything (also would have to @ me on a random post because I don't get emails for that and I turned off all notifications otherwise)

Uh. All that being said I still love Don't stop the party compilations so @ me on any of those you see

Not a goodbye but a see you around

[slytherinshua]

Physically, you survived. Mentally, that's a different story lol. I honestly don't think I could survive. He definitely belongs centre stage oh my goodness. I am so glad that he decided to pursue music, I was listening to his solo album this afternoon and oh my goodness. It was amazing. It felt like a hug, I don't know any better way to describe that lol

Oh I'll definitely check out discord then! I will take any Lucy content ahaha. What did you think of the set list though? Did you get to hear everything you wanted?

I definitely want to listen to Hyunsang's solo stuff! I don't know much about Hoppipolla in general, but I would highly recommend their music. I find it so relaxing to listen to, or I'll put it on when I want to listen to music but need to concentrate on a task (I listened to a lot of their stuff and Laufey while doing my dissertation lol). I would highly recommend Day6 or N.Flying if you've never listened to them. I absolutely love Young K from Day6's voice, I could go on all day about how beautiful he sounds ahaha. N.flying have some really goofy songs which are so catchy (my introduction to them was if BSS were a song by a band, they would be Hot Potato by N.Flying and honestly I agree)

Ahaha I'm glad you've enjoyed talking to me (I've enjoyed talking to you too!!)

right 😭 but even physically ngl i was wrecked LIKE MY LEGS WERE SORE EVEN BEFORE SOUNDCHECK STARTED AND THEN IT JUST GOT WORSE 😭😭 my neck and arms and like basically everywhere was so ruined by the end of the concert BUT IT WAS WORTH IT 100%. his solo album is soooo comforting oh my god :( i love everything sangyeop does i could listen to his voice forever

yeahh there are some lucy servers maybe you can find some lucy friends!! and we can also talk more on there since im more active!! (my discord is on my carrd if u click on the discord icon)

omg if you're gonna get into hyunsang's music you need to listen to burning sunset, time and trace, snowflake, 3108, and dawn (and gone tonight... and late night movie... and close... and lighthouse ahem) <33 he makes such emo/rock music its such a vibe :( and his voice is literally unreal!! his entire discography is amazing tho (including his osts!!) <3

i love day6 and n.flying omg i can't wait for the new nflying song <33 and it's not too long until the other members are gonna be back from the military!! dongsung comes back on my birthday 🥹🥹🥹 who's your bias in those groups? for me its wonpil and hweseung <3 and i love young k sm as well he's always doing things with lucy or ha hyunsang and i love all the interactions so much he's so sweet and his voice is incredible (he has a cover with lucy and another with hyunsang i think) HOT POTATO IS SO PERFECT TO DESCRIBE BSS LMAO PLS IT ALWAYS MAKES ME GIGGLE WHEN I REMEMBER THAT THEY ACTUALLY HAD POTATOES FOR LIGHTSTICKS DURING THAT PROMOTION 😭😭😭

[howlingmoonrise]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

thank you for the tag @galvanizedfriend!!!!!!

How many works do you have on ao3? 45!

What's your total ao3 word count? 168,011 words

What fandoms do you write for? i'm an awful, awful fandom hopper :x but i write most consistently nowadays for petshop of horrors

Top five fics by kudos: 1) my dracula/barbie fic la petite mort is in first place, to the surprise of absolutely no one🤦‍♀️ 2) warrior, a post-movie shan yu/mulan oneshot 3) standing sentinel, an alien vs predator fix-it oneshot where lex goes with the predators and scar survives 4) surprising even me????? bonded, a soul eater soulmate au oneshot from 2014???? it has 8 comments total and half of them are my replies???? HOW. 5) not as surprisingly, in the woods somewhere, an ever after high cerise hood/daring charming au where daring accidentally ends up becoming the next riding hood. rare fandom/pair niche ftw!

Do you respond to comments? do you know when you reply mentally to things and then forget to actually do it irl? 😬 i have a really bad habit of opening comments on mobile, where i never type anything if i can help it, gush and draft the entire reply in my head, and then... yeah. i do eventually actually get to them all, but some will suffer through a year of no response before i pull up my sleeves and get to them. but dear gods do i try. the full answer is "yes, i do, and i absolutely love them all" but i feel very guilty about taking so long so i'll stick with "i try" 🙏🙏🙏

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? probably see you soon, a voltron legendary defender shidge fic, or songbird, a petshop of horrors angelica/p-chan oneshot with a bit of an experimental style. i think they're probably only fics i have that have a 100% unambiguously unhappy AND undeserved ending

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? i usually try to aim for at least an ambiguously happy ending, so most of them? buuuuut that being said, i'm gonna point to my earlier fics in the soul eater or the yuri on ice fandoms, i was a lot sappier back in those. i've gotten a taste for a bit of a crunchier ending since then.

Do you get hate on fics? not really. i did receive hate for my voltron ships directly on the blog, but we all know how rotten that fandom was lmfao

Do you write smut? occasionally? i feel like i was in my smut-writing peak back in the soul eater fandom, but i was VERY productive in writing fic in general back in those days, and that no longer holds true. i feel like i'm a lot more self-conscious in writing smut nowadays and about how badly my writing in that genre would sound - the ideas are willing, but the flesh is weak.

Craziest crossover: i hate that my writer's block has cockblocked me from going crazier since despite wanting to write even wilder ships but. once again. my dracula/barbie fic la petite mort.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? not exactly. as far as i'm aware, no one has taken it ipsis verbis, but i have seen unauthorized and uncredited translations of my works floating around.

Have you ever had a fic translated? *side-eyes paragraph above* yep! my works seem to get podficced more than anything though

Have you ever co-written a fic before? i started writing one in my old, old days in the danny phantom fandom (hello, first fandom!), but our email exchanges petered out and it never got finished or posted anywhere

All time favorite ship? how the FUCK am i supposed to chose. my dude. why would you do this to me. it changes with the phases of the moon.

What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will? i am 97.89% made of wips. 😬😬😬 there's just. so many. the first ones that come to mind is a magicstone (magica de spell/gladstone gander from the donald duck comics) angsty-ass oneshot, and also a jane darling/peter pan fic from peter pan 2 return to neverland, both of which i only ever posted snippets for a wip ask game years ago 😭😭😭 i also very much want to finish my shan yu/mulan longfic to the victor, the spoils and i have every intention of doing it but then i look back and. it's been half a decade already. rip.

What are your writing strengths? uhhhh. i find interesting dynamics and ways of bringing characters together? i'm a rare/crack shipping bitch so i need to find a way of really selling what i'm writing so that people will read it, so i guess i've honed my skills in that direction. i also usually get comments complimenting my writing style, though my own taste for it varies wildly. i also think i'm good at adapting my own style to fit the source material one.

What are your writing weaknesses? apart from being in a semi-permanent state of writer's block and never finishing anything, you mean? where do i START. action scenes. comedy. not doing run-on overly-wordy sentences no one but me will understand. too many italics. FUCKING PLOT. why can't i write solely vibes and pining, WHY does plot have to haunt me while blowing raspberries at me for not knowing how to plan anything more complicated than a fairytale-level quest.

Thoughts on dialogue in another language? english already IS another language for me 😂 that being said, i don't generally like it unless it's an untranslateable pun term or plot-relevant, in which case footnotes are appreciated. exceptions are titles/honorifics/actual names of things.

First fandom you wrote in? danny phantom, all the way back in like... 2009? it was how i learned to speak/write english beyond the basics. it was very, very bad, but i'm glad i got to go through that and experiment so wildly in such an encouraging fandom.

Favorite fic you've written? cinq d'épées, my princess and the frog dr facillier/charlotte la bouff 15k oneshot LITERALLY EVERYONE IS SLEEPING ON. why do people keep gushing on the dracula/barbie fic when that fic is RIGHT THERE with far less views than most of my other fics and way better writing quality. i honestly hate reading my own writing and even i enjoy rereading that one, villain/heroine morally grey ships my beloved.

--

thanks again for tagging me!!! tagging @sandmancircus @acernor @nemainofthewater @produdfctititty @starfishride @malgraw @olderthannetfic if you guys feel like it!

[miniwolfie]

Author's Note: This is actually my cousin and I if she was dating Rin and I was dating Kaiser. English is not my first language.

c/n = cousin's name, y/n = your name

words = 2.5k

I actually don't know anything about france or paris, never been there, so if something doesn't make sense or is a bit stereotypical just chalk it up to: it's a fanfic

contains: a little swearing and being lost in paris

Rin and Kaiser together were... interesting, to say the least.

They never really talked, only said hi sometimes, even if they are both soccer players. They have seen each other multiple times, they were by no means strangers, but the thing that really brought them together, was funnily enough, another trip to some foreign country.

Ok, it wasn't just some foreign country. It was France and specifically Paris. They have been there multiple times with their teams for soccer games, but never really explored the capital other than the shitty tours by shitty tour guides who were just after their money.

This was their first time traveling as a group, specifically with their loved ones.

Still find it strange how they ended up together? Well, Rin and Kaiser haven't seen each other only in professional terms.

Their partners are cousins. And to top it of, best friends.

c/n and y/n. The second one is me, hello world! I'm Kaisers girlfriend, how he managed to bag a 10 like me is still a mystery to this day.

Actually it's no mystery at all. He is blonde, tall, the sweetest eye candy I've ever seen and makes at least 2 million a year. You think I'm letting him go after I see that bank account?

As for c/n, how she managed to get with Rin, now THAT is a mystery, and a story for another time.

Where was I? Oh yeah, when c/n and I were spending time together and our boyfriends had to see each other, they only exchanged smiles and hellos. Sure, there were some times where even those didn't exist, but they could survive next to each other.

Truth be told I am a 100% certain they only did it so we wouldn't be sad. And that's adorable, but moving on!

So Paris. I remember c/n kept bugging Rin about how she really wanted to go there so she could be a "French girl" and get those "coquette hats". She even tried to learn French for a little while, but that didn't last. When she learnt that the word egg in French is eof, which is pronounced oof, she laughed so hard the whole house could hear her. Problem was, it was 3 am, the night before a big game for Rin. She then proceeded to go on roblox, try to be a "French girl" but she got banned for bullying.

French was out the window after that one, Rin needed to actually buy her a phone after she threw it out the window, but her dream of going to France wasn't.

As she kept talking about going to France day after day, weeks on end, I started wanting it too. I like to travel, but because of work I couldn't really spontaneously do so. Kaiser tried to comfort me, and by that I mean laugh and make fun of France saying "You don't have me in France" and "France is just a downgrade of Germany", but after he said "I've been there multiple times, it's nothing special." I snapped. Well not really, I didn't start yelling or throwing things around, that would have been a waste of money no matter how much we have of it, but I laid my head on the counter and said "I wouldn't know, I've never really been anywhere."

Kaiser proceeded to buy tickets for a flight due in twelve hours.

When he told me, I immediately called c/n and told her about it. Rin overheard and said he would buy tickets for the next flight, which was in two days. C/n convinced him to buy tickets for the flight in twelve hours, and by convince I mean started crying and saying how unfair it was that I would be in France for two days longer than her.

Those twelve hours were easily one of the most stressful moments in my life. I remember packing a suitcase and having Kaiser say "You know I'm rich enough to buy you a whole house in France right? I'll buy everything we're missing there." to which I threw him one of my dirtiest looks and replied "that is a waste of money."

Kaiser and Rin had travelled enough to know what they actually needed, so it wasn't difficult for them to pack a suitcase. C/n on the other hand was so unable to pack a suitcase on her own that Rin had to pack one for her. He still had to buy her a toothbrush though, mostly because she wanted to wake up and feel "the taste of France" when brushing her teeth.

Safe to say Rin was not impressed.

After boarding the flight and lecturing Kaiser about how much of a bad idea this actually was, the flight wasn't bad. Kaiser kept smirking at me and telling me "I know you are secretly happy so your welcome" and Rin was organising a plan so we could make the most of the trip. C/n kept talking to random strangers, so the flight was fairly normal.

Of course I was ecstatic about going to France, even if I didn't outright admit it. Lord only knows how much Kaiser would have rubbed it in my face.

But anyway, when we reached France it was around 2 am. Safe to say I was dead tired, since there was a baby on board who wouldn't stop screaming. Kaiser was ready to murder the thing, but instead chose to give me his headphones and rub circles in my hand, which was oddly sweet and almost put me to sleep. Didn't work though since we were actually mere minutes before landing.

Rin had called one of the hotels their teams used when they were playing in France, and the owner was ecstatic to meet the partners of two world class players. I'm sure it wasn't too charming of us to walk in tired and delirious from lack of sleep, but hey, the beds were very comfortable and I slept like a log.

The next day rolls and I still had no idea what we would be doing. When I asked Kaiser how long he had intended the trip to be he just shrugged and said "Tired already? I told you France was boring." to which I didn't reply. He knew very well that the reason I was tired was because he found it to be an excellent idea to book literally the next flight.

But alas we went down to breakfast, found Rin and c/n eating and started talking about it. More so Rin and I because Kaiser and c/n were more interested in the food and actually gaining energy for the day.

Rin told me a week would be ideal. It wasn't too long but definitely not short either. He asked me what I was feeling up to and how much energy I could actually spend the first day, since rin and I's energy levels were the key factor in the first day. Kaiser and c/n were very capable of doing whatever we were feeling up to so I just told him we could walk around and shop, nothing too crazy.

In that moment I underestimated two things. C/n and myself.

Like I said, Rin and Kaiser had travelled quite a lot, meaning being in a foreign country was nothing new to them. C/n on the other hand had never been anywhere else, meaning her excitement levels were off the charts.

Paris was always full of people no matter the time of the day, especially around the shop areas. So when she saw something she deemed "coquette" she pulled me and ran in there so fast we lost both of our boyfriends.

Under normal circumstances that wouldn't have been a problem. C/n and I often separated from the group, but we could always call or run into them a while later.

This was not the case now. When c/n had had enough of that shop, I went to grab my phone from my bag so I could call Kaiser or Rin. Instead I found nothing but air and came to the horrible conclusion that Kaiser had my bag safely tucked on his shoulder. Once I calmed my nerves I looked over at c/n and asked if she had her phone on her. She nodded, reached in her pocket and tried to open it but doom impended.

0%.

Having no reaction, she reached in her phone case and pulled a 10 dollar bill, giving me a bright smile.

I don't know how I didn't slap her.

I calmly explained our situation to her. We were in a foreign country in which we didn't know the language, with no phones and with a ten dollar bill. To which her reply was "And? I don't see your point."

I took a deep breath and thought we could go back to the hotel. I was so sleep deprived the day before, the hotel's name had went completely over my head. I knew there was no chance in hell c/n remembered, so I thought it to be a very good idea to go back and wait for Rin and Kaiser.

This was when I underestimated or maybe overestimated my abilities of direction.

I think I'm an organised person generally, I have my shit together to say the least. I have a lot of good qualities, but the few bad ones I have make up for the lack of them. I am so bad in directing myself that it's not even funny. I can't go anywhere without a gps, and even if I have a gps I might still end up going the wrong way.

Being with Kaiser had made me forget about that little fact. He has a very good sense of direction, almost annoyingly so. In the few times we have gotten lost, strangely enough the times I have the gps, he has always led us to where we were supposed to be. I'm very sure he does it on purpose, the smirk he has when he gives me the gps is very telling.

So yea, I think its very obvious what happened when we tried to go back on our own.

I'm going to spare you the details of how c/n managed to spend a whole 10 dollar bill on lollipops.

It was now late afternoon and we were both exhausted. Even c/n was running on empty since the only thing we could eat or drink were samples. We were really out there pretending to be some foreign food critics just so we could get a little food.

Aside from some places treating us well under the false pretense that we were food critics, people didn't talk to us. At all.

It's so crazy how people believe they are all that when someone doesn't know their language. So what if I don't know French, learn some english you stupid bitch. We live in the 21th century, how close minded can you be?

Anyway, having that be the case, we couldn't even describe the hotel to someone. So having no phones, no way to find them and no money, i opted for the next best solution.

Go to the Eiffel tower.

It was the only thing I could do okay? Since we were completely lost, we could at least go to the main attraction, which I at least knew were it was. How? We could see it from the entirety of Paris.

It was still very difficult going there. Unfortunately there was no road which straight up lead to it, so we had to take a lot of detours. Someone even tried to sell us some stupid baguettes and berets, which c/n desperately wanted to stick around for, but with no money and no food to fuel my patience, I grabbed her hand and started walking away.

I was tired, hungry and quite honestly missed Kaiser. I was probably just delirious but the annoying smirk and cockiness he had didn't seem all that annoying. Just for that moment though!

So finally, after two hours of constant turning and walking, we had reached the Eiffel Tower.

At it's glory, c/n stated "That is such a nice place to jump off from." to which I replied "Dazai would have loved it."

And we both started laughing. Hysterically.

Truly it was such a bad joke, but the whole situation was just hilarious. Here we were, in Paris, having absolutely nothing and starving, having finished those lollipops hours before.

C/n then started crying, yelling Rin's name and saying a bunch of miss you's and where are you's.

Even I wanted to start crying. But then I saw them.

Rin and Kaiser, relief completely washing over their faces.

To be honest, I don't remember a whole lot after that. Later when I asked Kaiser and Rin about it, they gave completely different explanations, some more theatrical by the other, I'm sure you can guess whose, but I can chalk it up to this.

After they lost us they both started frantically looking for us, going from shop to shop. I find it strange how they missed us but it was probably just bad timing. When they weren't able to find us, having realised Kaiser had my phone and c/n's was out of battery, they decided to go to the Eiffel Tower. When I asked them how they were so sure we would be there Kaiser said "I knew you wouldn't be able to find the hotel and so I went somewhere I knew you would find. I still had my doubts, but I trusted that the Eiffel Tower was large enough for you to see." Rin said "it just made the most sense, the Eiffel Tower is very French so I'm sure c/n would have liked to see it."

Annoyed at Kaiser's response and happy at Rin's, they continued and told me what happened when they found us. Kaiser told me I ran in his hands crying, saying how much I missed him. But Rin told me that's what c/n did when she saw him. He said Kaiser was worried sick, constantly bugging him about how much he loves and cherishes me. When he saw me he hugged me very tightly and Rin swore he was on the verge of tears. He did tell me that I said "Kaiser... I'm hungry..." to which Kaiser got me a savory pastry, never letting me leave his hands. He also told me I teared up when I bit into it, which I can absolutely believe.

The rest of the trip definitely went a lot smoother. When c/n even insinuated that she would leave, Rin would hold her arm very tightly so she wouldn't. He even got a power bank and forced her to keep her phone charged at all times. Kaiser made sure I had money on me at all times, even slipping a hundred dollar bills in every pocket he could find. We agreed that if something similar happened, we would meet up at the Eiffel Tower, which embarrassingly enough, happened at least four more times.

After the trip Rin and Kaiser still didn't really talk to each other, but they did exchange phone numbers and texted each other once every few days. Kaiser didn't outright tell me, I had to catch him in the act, but it made me happy so I didn't tease him. Well, at least not a lot.

Hope you enjoyed!

[midnakoopa]

Vent Post About Anxiety

Past couple weeks have been pretty rough. Thought I'd post about it here. More for me to put my thoughts in order than anything, but if you wanna read it, go ahead. Long post, venting about trauma ahead.

So, near the end of February, I'd noticed I was tired a lot more, and sleeping a lot more. I'd thought maybe it was the weather shifting, maybe it was a bit of the seasonal depression. Who knows at this point?

But then I was getting a bit of a pain in my stomach. Sides? Abdomen? That general area. That with the usual stresses made me think of something I've dealt with before, and know how to treat. I'll skip the details on that; not so relevant. Anyway, I went to treating that how I usually do.

And maybe it would've worked out fine. Who knows? But I guess it hurt just enough for just long enough to kick my anxiety awake. And my anxiety just got worse over the next week or so. And of course, anxiety gets bad enough, it starts making existing symptoms worse due to stress and whatnot. And then the physical symptoms getting worse makes the anxiety worse. It just feeds on itself.

Now, I'm on meds for anxiety disorder. And one thing I've noticed more and more recently, is that they seem to work fine for that, for keeping me from being anxious all the time. But when things get super stressful, they don't do enough to stop an anxiety attack.

So, a little over a week ago, it got bad enough that I scheduled an appointment to talk to my doctor, about maybe adjusting my current meds, but also getting an emergency med for anxiety attacks, which wow I've been on anxiety meds for as long as I can remember how did I never have a rescue medication?

I don't know what it was about this time in particular, but this is the worst my anxiety's been in ages, maybe even the worst I can currently remember. In just the week before I saw my doctor, broke down crying four times. Two of those times were in one night (the night just before the appointment). It's good that I saw the doctor, but turns out an appointment to keep when your anxiety's making your sleep schedule a mess becomes yet another stressor.

Anyway. I saw the doctor. I got my meds adjusted, got an emergency med, and it's only been a couple days but my anxiety hasn't spiked up again yet. Fingers crossed there. Not 100% yet. I dunno if I'm 60% yet. But I'm better than a few days ago, I think.

On a slightly different tangent. Another main reason I'm typing this is to record how I felt while it's fresh in my mind.

The words that keep coming back to mind are "cold shock". It's like a cold shock that starts in the head and attacks a few different places. I say "shock", but it doesn't quite feel electric, so much as like it's sapping... something. It's gonna sound dramatic, but, it really feels like an attack on the mind, on the soul even.

Just this awful feeling that something is taking something from you. Something that you need to survive. And it takes whatever that something is until all that's left is "I just can't".

As for the more describable symptoms... Heartburn, of course. Or acid reflux, I forget the differences. A queasy or discomforting feeling in the stomach. A couple times, I felt like my legs were getting weak and shaking. That also could've been from not eating enough due to the other symptoms.

But it's that cold shock, that attack on the mind, that's the worst of it. That two-pronged attack of this overwhelming feeling of dread, and the sense that nothing you can do will help that feeling, so why do anything?

That feeling that you. Just. Can't.

To sum up, I'm feeling slightly better at the moment, and hopefully the worst of it's over. But, fuck, man. I'm just so exhausted from this, physically and mentally.

[tokruta]

I just found my first instance of a man not remarrying after his wife died young.

My great*4 aunt got married at 16 (about a month away from turning 17) to a recently 20-year-old man, she unfortunately died less than a year later giving birth to their one and only child at 17. That child died 3 months later, 5 days before my aunt's birthday.

He died 21 years later, and he was listed as her widower (as in her name was in his death registration), so he never remarried. My mostly surface-level search supports this; I haven't found any evidence of him having any other children, either.

I've found sooooo many men who remarried within the same year their wife died, this is the first instance that I've found one who didn't. Well, who didn't as a young man, I mean. He was 20, turning 21 in the next month. He died a week before his 42nd birthday and I just wonder about those 2 decades after her death.

He lost his wife and child within 3 months of each other, a widower and a father with no living child at 21. Did he never develop a romantic relationship again? Was he a mess and slept around? Was he some sort of social pariah? Did he love her so much he just couldn't move on? Was he just not interested in other women? Or women in general? I'll most likely never know, but it is interesting to me. It's so outside the norm I've found in the hundreds of people I've looked at, I can't help but think about this.

I need to remind myself to not make up stories about them, they died well over 100 years ago and most of them and the people around them would not have left behind anything I could read or look at. At most, I can maybe find their graves when I next visit my grandparents, if they haven't degraded too badly (a majority of my ancestors have been in the same area for hundreds of years, apparently, and the most "exotic" ones I've been able to find are the ones that moved from Zacatecas to that area of Jalisco lol I've yet to encounter another state, just Zacatecas).

My preferred theory is that she was it for him, that they fell in love young and married in the hopes of building a life together. That he named their child after her in the hopes that they'd carry on her legacy and memory. But again, who knows. For all I know, I'm waxing poetry in my mind about him when he's actually a piece of shit who never remarried for a very good reason. Who knows.

The whole thing just sucks; I hate that she died so young, giving birth to a child that would join her only a few short months later. I hate that I found another 17-year-old who died giving birth to a baby who wouldn't survive so soon after the last one I posted about. I hate that I know she won't be the last or the youngest. I hate that my great*3 grandfather, her younger brother, only got to know her for a year before she died. I hate that a baby named after their mother, likely in an earnest attempt by a grieving father to keep her memory and love alive, died of an illness that was listed as herpes only a few days before they turned 3 months old. That if it was herpes, they likely got it simply by being born, so that fatal act doomed both mother and child. I hate that my great*4 uncle experienced such awful tragedies so close together and at such a young age, regardless of how he was as a person, nobody deserves to lose their loved ones like that. I hate that my great*4 grandparents, her parents, continued to have children after she died doing the same, giving her siblings she'd never know and who'd never know her.

Idk something about this whole thing hit me hard. I think it's because I'm neck-deep in both my Todofam and Anidala feels lol

[3ofpents]

100 Palettes Challenge // Palette #20 // The City That Never Sleeps

Today's palette comes from a The House Beautiful magazine cover by Maurice Day published in 1919.

I don't think this is my best work in this travel poster series. I severely overestimated my patience to draw windows onto the buildings, and underestimated how unfinished the whole piece would look without them. Maybe someday I'll go back and add the windows in.

But regardless, this is what's done now!

When I was trying to decide what to do with the last palette, I realized that there was one more home state that I hadn't done: New York. Both sides of my family are from Brooklyn, I was originally born in Brooklyn, and New York City played a huge role in my upbringing in general. I don't know that there are any actual cryptids unique to NYC, but there was one particular urban legend that went around a lot while I was growing up: Alligators in the sewers.

See, roundabouts the '80s, baby alligators were really popular pets. They were unique, about the size of an iguana, and at least seemingly pretty low-maintenance. If you ever watched Clarissa Explains It All back in the day on Nickelodeon, you probably remember her having a pet baby alligator she named Elvis and that she kept in a wading pool full of sand in her bedroom. The problem is that alligators don't stay the size of an iguana and they are predators that can be extremely dangerous.

So once the alligator got too big, the vast majority of owners got rid of them. Some of them were given to animal rescues or rehab organizations; some of them were given to reptile breeders; and some of them were gotten rid of in less savory ways.

When you hear about alligators being captured in rivers and lakes where they're not native? Those are typically alligators that used to be pets and were just released into the wild when they got too big and/or dangerous. In NYC, that very real story was turned into a bit of an absurd urban legend. The legend goes that NYC alligator pet owners, when their alligators got too big, they decided to just flush them down the toilet like a dead fish, and all of the alligators that survived the flushing ended up in the sewers under the city where they thrive on a diet of rats and the occasional unfortunate sanitation worker.

Obviously this isn't true. As many experts have pointed out over the years, even if people did try to flush an alligator down the toilet, pre-2000's plumbing wouldn't have been able to handle even a baby alligator, nevermind one that grew big enough to make their owner decide to get rid of it. There also simply haven't been any verified reports which, considering how many sanitation workers have been down in the sewers over the years, there would have to be at least one.

But it is a silly little story from back when NYC was allowed to be weird, and I think I heard at some point that it was part of the inspiration for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Though maybe that's an urban legend too.

[the-light-finds-its-way]

Gods, I just think about the struggle Anthem-99 must have gone through, being a gay trans cowboy in the Midwest USA. He's a reflection of me in the gender and sexuality aspect, but I grew up on the East coast in the 2000s. Him? He's ancient. I roughly place him in the late 1800s, surviving through the 1900s until his 90s. But he knew he was gay and trans his whole life, and back then? I can't imagine the struggle. The word "trans" didn't even exist until the mid-1900s in the medical sense. So he didn't transition in a medical way, he just lived in a body that was wrong, trying so hard to hide it, trying to find love in himself to no avail.

Then the Exo program came around. And he could have a new body. One that functioned as male. And he jumped right on it. Despite being in his 90s/possibly even 100s, he lived. And went through the process. And eventually, he was killed somehow. And then he was resurrected as a Hunter, but still the memories of a past life haunted him. Through his transition into an Exo, and that of becoming a Guardian, he still remembered he was born in a female body with the name "Sally", and that he HATED it VEHEMENTLY!!

It doesn't go away, the worst of your past. No matter what you do, it just remains. I know that. Anthem knows that. Even when he was reset 99 times, he still remembered because being female was traumatic for him. And trauma never leaves. Even when he didn't have the memory chip, and he couldn't remember anything besides Crow, Hymn (his Ghost), and the Vanguard, Anthem still remembered his trauma. Being female.

This is a reflection of myself, and my trauma, and my struggle. Being female was an awful time that I wish to forget. But Anthem is slowly teaching me that I'll never forget those days no matter what I do, they'll be with me for literally eternity, and I'll die dissatisfied with my past, but I can overcome it. I'll have a body I love one day, that'll be male, and will function as male someday. I'm almost there, I have 1 surgery to go. I'm scared shitless, but I'll get there. I'm strong enough that I will.

And why'd he choose the name Anthem, you might ask? Because anthems are rousing, uplifting songs that sing praise. And becoming a male Exo was Anthem's freedom, his saving grace. Why'd I choose the name Magnus Hjaelmar? Because it means "great helmeted warrior", and that's how I see myself. A warrior. Fighting my past constantly. Fighting my trauma, fighting the female part of me that needs to go away forever but can't.

This post is about the struggles of being trans. This post is about Anthem being stronger than myself, and myself looking up to him. This post is about finding freedom in the body. He did it. One day I will, too.

[flowerslut]

i just saw an update by someone on ao3 saying they hated when ppl asked for an update or said stuff like where’s the update and it made them lose their passion for writing the fic and i literally do that to u all the time and have probs done it consistently for three years and i am so sorry LOL i never considered it could be annoying

LMFAOOOOO no don't worry at all!!! I don't mind it!!! plus, I feel like it all depends on how people are asking for updates and on the specific author, too. I know that a LOT of fanfiction writers get stressed out when people leave comments asking for updates, (or even comments that aren't 100% complimentary, tbh) because it makes them anxious and rubs them the wrong way. I am absolutely not one of those authors lmfao. I, for one, only get annoyed at people asking for updates if they phrase it in a real asshole-ish way, like:

"please continue this story" <- this would could be fine, but there's no sense of whimsy or joy in this demand. at least add an exclamation mark, ya fool

"another great story left unfinished" <- yeah! and it'll stay that way too unless you want to give me Unlimited Writing Money 🖕

"well, it has almost been 4 years, when are you going to post a new chapter?" <- ah yes another entitled bratty asshole who will ensure for everyone else that I never want to post a new chapter again

"I guess [story name] is dead. it is always sad to when someone dies without closure" <- literally what are you on????? hello? there are REAL people dying out there, kim

these are real comments left on some of my old WIPs btw^^ 💀 usually as long as people are nice and don't sound like entitled dickheads I have no problem with people asking for updates, or asking when I'll update a WIP!!!! a simple "I love this story I hope you update soon!" is so sweet! I love getting messages like that!! it shows that they like it and they want to see where the story goes! which is such a universally relatable experience for any fic reader out there!! more real-life examples of ways people can ask for updates and not sound like bratty jackasses (also from old WIPs of mine):

"This is great! Will you continue this?" <- short, sweet, to the point

"Any chance that you will come back to this story?" <- great! I love some curiosity with that little nudge where they're clearly hoping your answer will be 'yes!'

"Thank you for taking the time to write this, I wish you would continue it." <- the compliment combined with this encouragement is soooo sweet and I adore messages like this even though they make me feel a little bad LOL

"Please consider picking this up again. Even if just for a few chapters, to wrap it up. It’s so, so good, it’s be a shame to leave it without a continuation. Also, this chapter was phenomenal." <- this was one of my most recent reviews to a fic on an 'indefinite hiatus', and it made me actually go back and re-read the fic (a dangerous thing for me to do, because then I always want to keep writing, even if I don't have the time/energy/ideas/inspo) and long story short I sure did put it back on the bottom of the 'to finish' list 😅 i'll go back to my naruto fics one day. but not yet

anyways this got long but just know this: I am an author whose feelings you cannot hurt. nothing you could comment would make me anxious. enthusiastically asking for updates does not bother me. no amount of rude comments/reviews ever affect me outside of 1) great amusement or 2) mild-to-moderate annoyance that won't survive a full day. and don't worry. when it comes to people who are rude assholes I have no problem telling readers to go fuck themselves. lmfao ANYWAYSSS love u bestie gonna post a bonus roots chapter this week just for funsies now. you've invigorated me.

[purplesurveys]

1756

Do you want the last dream you had to come true?  No. It was a nice dream, but I'd rather it stay a dream.

When did you last talk to the person you'd most wanna talk to right now?  It's 3 AM on a Saturday which means there is absolutely no one I'd want to be talking to.

What kind of pill did you last take?  Paracetamol for what was probably the worst migraine I've ever had in my entire existence, a week ago. I had never had a harder time driving – in fact I pulled over as soon as I reached the village gate because I really needed to collect myself – my entire body felt like it was heating up and I was really worried that I would pass out any moment. I felt so relieved when the pill started to take effect and when I started to feel my mind and my body coming back.

Do you like wearing glasses?  Can't say I particularly enjoy having them on but I just...kind of need them to survive, lol. There's no other way to put it other than sheer necessity.

Does your mom know the last person you hung out with?  Lui, Laurice, and Jum? Probably not. She knows I have a college friend group, but she wasn't as attentive towards them anymore as she has always been with my high school friends. Like she'd recognize Angela and Sofie in a heartbeat, but if I mentioned those ^ names to her, 100% she'd ask where are they from hahaha.

What were you doing 4 hours ago?  I was wrapping up the evening with Laurice and Jum.

What would you most like to eat right now?  I just ordered KFC for delivery and it's on its way here so I'm pretty stoked for that.

How long were you last in the car for?  It was around two hours, miserably so. I took both Jum and Laurice home even though their places were wildly out of the way; it had been approaching midnight and I just wanted to be sure, with my own eyes, they got home safe.

But then on my actual route back to my house I took a wrong exit and ended up on the highway with all the motherfucking goddamn PAIN IN MY ASS 10-, 12-, 200-wheeler trucks, so that added an additional half hour or so to my ETA.

What is something good that happened last weekend?  I spent the ENTIRE Saturday rewatching all the Twilight movies. Started 11 AM, ended exactly at midnight. I still feel giddy thinking about it lmao, I love that stupid franchise so much.

Do you like holding hands or do you think it's stupid?  It's cute but I would only do it with a partner. I feel awkward doing it with a friend for too long.

The last song you heard, what does it make you think of?  Namjoon, because it was a Namjoon song.

How'd you get your last injury?  Don't really know if it counts as one because fortunately it didn't end up leaving a mark, but a couple of days ago I held a mozzarella stick that was way too hot to be touched at that moment and I wasn't able to immediately drop it, so my index finger was very very tingly and in pain for a while after that.

What do you like about your birthday?  I really enjoy celebrating my birthday and look forward to it every time, and it's honestly for the sole purpose of getting to say that I made it through the past year.

Do you like being home alone at night?  I loooooove the feeling.

What first comes to mind when thinking of 10th grade?  What is '10th grade' even equivalent to? Would that be sophomore year? Anyway, I guess I remember being stung by a jellyfish during a school trip but apart from that I've done quite the job of forgetting most things from high school.

What's the scariest thing that's happened to you?  Being terrorized by men.

Has an ambulance ever come to your house?  No.

The person you're thinking about - what are you thinking about them?  Not thinking of anyone.

When did you last skip class?  Idk, probably in 2020. I'm sure I was able to cut a few classes before the world went to shit.

Do you like the shape of your fingernails?  Yes, I love everything about my fingers haha. Idk I like that they're long and slender and that my nailbeds(?) are an okay size. I'll get complimented on them every now and then too.

Did you look at your fingernails for the question above?  Yeah for a little bit.

Whose pool did you last swim in?  The resort that I went to in late 2021, with my old work team. I don't like pools much.

What's something you like about your 3rd hour?  My...what?

Is formspring a good idea? It depends. If you're the kind of person that drama tends to follow, probably not as it's just an invitation to get harassed/bullied.

What's your biggest problem at the moment?  Angela is possibly bailing on me for Kaye's birthday tomorrow – a party where Angela would be the only person I'd know because everyone else is from Kaye's college years (and we went to different schools LOL so who in the fuck–)

It's been a bit of a bother but I'm also like...whatever about it? in a way that whether she's joining me or not, I'm attending regardless. I don't like it when people flake on stuff I've planned so I'm not doing the same for Kaye who's probably super excited for tomorrow.

What's the cutest thing someone's ever done for you?  Get me flowers? Idk I'm pretty easy to please hahaha. Angela and Hans surprised me with a bouquet for my birthday last year and that sent me melting.

When did you last see a police car?  Not sure but it must have been just within the last month or so.

Why aren't you doing something more productive than this? This is the most productive I could be at 3:41 in the morning, tbh.

How many people know about the last person you kissed?  Everyone. I pathetically didn't shut up about her the entire time we were together.

How many different cars have you driven?  3. My car, our old Vitara, and I've also had to drive Bea's car twice when we went on out-of-town trips.

What did you do on Thursday?  The most notable thing would be that I went all the way to Manila to be support manpower for a work event. Manila is still gross as all hell.

What color was the last thing you drank?  Brown.

What do you do on Fridays?  Exponentially not give a shit about work as the day goes by.

Have you ever had to take desperate measures in a desperate situation?  Yes.

What door did you last open besides any on your house or car?  The door to a restroom stall.

What is the meaning of life?  Contentment.

[selkies-song]

People talk a lot about healing from manipulation/emotional abuse but what they don't mention much is how destructive the fear of becoming your abuser can be. How every moment of vulnerability/honesty about your feelings that aren't 100% positive witnessed by others (particularly those you genuinely care about) is often followed by days/weeks of anxiety and self-loathing--of wondering if you are really no better and that you'll never actually change. How you freeze up even at the thought of talking to a therapist because you're *so* afraid the moment you allow yourself to take up any space at all you'll just...never stop taking more. And I know I'm not above that, because I hit that point once already in my life. And despite all the progress I've made to try and grow from that and be a better person, it's almost like an addiction in that I'm absolutely terrified all it would take is one wrong step and I'll go right back to square one. Being entirely dependent on myself was necessary for survival and it gave me the space to self-reflect on my own bullshit, but it has also gotten to a point where I feel like a ghost. I don't know how to connect anymore (did I ever?), and I feel inadequate and clumsy whenever I try. And frankly, the people I care about deserve better than that. They deserve better than my dumb ass that can't for the life of me figure out how to get on the other side of this giant glass wall.