#how long has he been working alone since his last partner (presumably) died? why *doesn’t* he already have a new one?

[volitioncheck]

always thought this line was funny considering there’s Plenty of instances of kim calling harry his partner, and harry of course refers to kim as his partner all the time.

most of these i’d interpret as kim referring to him in a case-partner sense— i imagine that it’s a pretty common occurrence for non-partnered officers to pair up with each other on big cases considering kim mentioning that certain procedures (field autopsies, death notifications, etc) require two officers by RCM protocol.

but there’s a couple examples where it feels more… deliberate?

it intrigues me that the best example i could find of kim asserting him and harry’s partnership is from apologizing to him after the most egregious way you can fuck up your relationship to him in the game.

kim never ‘corrects’ harry anywhere else other than that convo with jean. kim seems to already be falling into viewing him and harry as official partners— only becoming self-conscious of it when suddenly faced with harry’s “actual” partner. his protest in front of jean feels like he’s correcting himself just as much as harry.

i dunno if i have any big conclusion i was trying to reach here, i just always found the line funny and even more telling when i looked up just how much he contradicts it everywhere else in-game. spongebob meme vc you likeee me don’t you lieutenant.

bonus result that doesn’t have anything to do with the rest really but i didn’t know you could tie at suzerainty and i’ve never seen this dialogue before. kim.

[daringyounggrayson]

If you are still taking requests, could I ask for a Jason Comes Back Right with Alfred? I'd love to see Alfred validating Jason's anger while also denying that he never cared about Jason. Even better if Alfred keeps the fact that he's talking to Jason and trying to reconcile from everyone else. I would love it even MORE if Jason cooked for Alfred for once?

you got the last bingo prompt! thanks for the request, I hope you like it :)

i think we're haunted (also on AO3)

“Ah, Master Jason, good to see you haven’t left the grounds after all,” Alfred says as he enters the kitchen. “Shall we inform Master Bruce?”

Jason glares at the pan, waiting for the pancakes to be ready to flip.

“Still giving us the silent treatment, I take it.”

Jason pushes the spatula under one of the pancakes and takes a peek—still too pale.

“That’s alright. You need time to process.”

Jason huffs, finally turning around to glare at Alfred. The man doesn’t seem to notice, or just doesn’t care.

“I understand why you’re angry,” Alfred says after the staring contest goes on for a moment too long. “We should have told you about Master Tim much sooner, but I cannot change the past. I hope you can forgive us, given time, and that we can move forward.”

For a moment, Jason forgets his vow of silence. “Bruce replaced me! How am I supposed to just forget about that?”

Alfred’s head tilts slightly to the left, and a fresh wave of empathy washes over his face. “Oh, my dear boy, he didn’t replace you. Tell me this, do you believe you were merely a replacement for Master Dick?”

Jason says nothing, and not because he’s taken up his vow of silence again; he just doesn’t know. Part of him almost wants to talk to Dick about it, get his perspective. Was it just odd timing, Bruce finding Jason so soon after Dick, and then finding Tim so soon after Jason? Or can Bruce just not stand being alone? Has he ever cared about any of them, or have they all simply been tools, distractions?

Alfred rests his hand on Jason’s shoulder, and Jason lets him. The older man says, “I imagine it hurt to see him working with a new partner. It must have seemed like he hadn’t grieved you at all, or that all you were to him was a soldier. But that’s not true. You know that, don’t you?”

Jason turns sharply as his lip begins to tremble and tears build in the corners of his eyes. He flips his pancakes. When he has control of his voice, he states, “None of you ever cared about me. And you all wish I was still dead.”

Bruce has been avoiding him more often than not, too busy with the new recruit. And when he visits—or Alfred or Dick—he knows it’s just out of some obligation. No one enjoys spending time with him these days.

“I believe you are angry and hurt and upset, and this is clouding your judgment of both the past and present. We have cared about you since the day we met you, and we grieved your loss so deeply that there were days I feared we wouldn’t survive it,” Alfred confesses. “Your return has been nothing but a blessing, and we are so grateful to have you back. I admit that we have not handled everything perfectly, but that comes with the nature of uncharted territory. Perhaps you need to be a little more patient and understanding with us as well.”

Jason scoffs, moves his pancakes to a plate and pours more batter into the pan. As far as he’s concerned, he’s the one who died, which means he gets a free pass to be as harsh and snarky as he sees fit.

“I also believe that Robin and Master Tim are not the only things that have made you angry.”

“Oh yeah? And what else am I angry about?” Jason snaps.

Alfred remains calm. “That is not for me to presume, lad. Though I’m here if you would like to discuss anything.”

Hmm, what could possibly be making Jason angry? Could it be that his murderer is walking free at this very moment, having recently broken out of Arkham (again)? Could it be that the clown was never even charged for his murder and has thus never been brought to proper justice? Or maybe the fact that his own birth mother betrayed him and led him to his death? Or maybe that Bruce, the man he used to consider a father, was too late to save him and hadn’t even bothered to avenge him?

And now he’s alive again, having to deal with all of these things he never should have had to deal with. Worse, he doesn’t even get to try to go back to living his life. Jason Todd is still legally dead, and according to Bruce, not stable enough to leave the house anyway.

He feels like he's being haunted by his past and the kid he should've/could've been. Or no, maybe that's wrong. Maybe he is the ghost. An angry ghost cursed to haunt his old home, his old life. Maybe the rest of the family can sense it too; maybe they feel like they're being haunted.

Jason flips the next set of pancakes.

Alfred doesn’t speak again, but he does squeeze Jason’s shoulder comfortingly, and he allows it. Alfred stays in the kitchen, too. He thankfully gives up on conversation and sits at the counter, and Jason hears the scratch of a pencil against newspaper; the crossword, he guesses.

After the pancakes finish, he grabs two plates, one for himself and one for Alfred. He also pours two glasses of orange juice and grabs silverware, napkins, and the jug of maple syrup.

He sits next to the man who helped raise him during the last few years of his life, the man who’s still trying to raise him now.

They sit together in silence and eat pancakes.

[earnestly-endlessly]

Hi, how are you? Your blog is amazing and your recommendations have already allowed me to read wonderful stories, so thank you so much! I wonder if you could suggest me any cherik fics of them as detectives? I remember reading one a long time ago, but unfortunately I don't know the name and even less the synopsis. Thank you in advance for your help.

Thank you so much @remember5novemberv for your kind words. I'm so sorry this took me so long but I hope you enjoy this list. There are some excellent detective AUs in this fandom so you're in for a treat.

Cherik Detective AUs

Their Mouths Always Lie – keire_ke

Summary: Charles adheres to most police protocols like they are a personal code of conduct. Erik gets things done and over with, for better or worse. Raven knows what she's doing, most of the time. The serial killer kills, regardless. Police AU.

Guilty by Association – Reagan

Summary: While investigating the homicide of a John Doe who he suspects might've been murdered while working the streets as a prostitute, Detective Erik Lehnsherr finds an unexpected ally in a hooker named Charles who seems as determined as he to solve the case. As they become more deeply involved both with the case and each other, there's just one thing that Charles neglects to mention -- that he's really an investigative journalist, one quickly convinced that what they're dealing with is more than simple murder. cop!Erik, fake-hooker-slash-reporter!Charles, Modern AU.

Incy Wincy Spider – Tawabids

Summary: Erik Lehnsherr is a renowned homicide detective, with his husband Charles at home and his partner on the job, Moira MacTaggert. When a twisted serial killer starts targeting mutants, Erik and Moira are the perfect team for the job, especially since Erik himself is the mutant poster-boy of an NYPD trying to improve their image.

But what they don't yet know is that the serial killer is an old soul out of Erik's past, and his next move is to pull Charles into his web.

The Theory of Partnership Dynamics – Pangea

Summary: “Detective Lehnsherr, how wonderful to see you out on the job!” The fed in the front greets him as they draw nearer. He’s shorter than the other two by a full head, and he’s beaming at Lehnsherr as if completely undeterred by Lehnsherr’s paint-peeling scowl.

“What do the feds want?” Lehnsherr asks bluntly.

“You know I can’t tell you that,” the fed answers cheerfully. Then his gaze lands on Alex, and, impossibly, his grin gets even brighter. “Did you get a new partner?"

“No,” Lehnsherr says through his teeth while at the same time Alex says, “Yes.”

Charles’ Killer – luchia

Summary: When detective Charles Xavier finds himself hunting down a vendetta-driven serial killer, it doesn't take long for him to realize he's in over his head. It only takes a little longer for him to realize his killer is, too.

Demoted – JayPendragon

Summary: Erik Lehnsherr is a detective-specialist with the NYPD Mutant Tactical Unit, ready to help out where his skills are needed. Or he would be, if he and his partner hadn’t been demoted. For the next four months, he is patrolling the Lenox Hill precinct with Azazel – if he doesn’t die of boredom first.

One night they are called in to investigate a potential case of domestic violence, yet the tenant assures them he is both alone and unharmed. However, there is something about this Charles Xavier that compels Erik to follow up.

Watching the Detectives – Clocks

Summary: Detectives Charles Xavier and Erik Lehnsherr are good friends and colleagues. However, when they go undercover at a Christmas party to nab a prime suspect, Erik keeps reminding himself to stay professional and ignore feelings of unexpected jealousy.

Oh, Sinnerman (Where you gonna run to?) – TintagelCastle (orphan–account)

Summary: Erik Lehnsherr is one of the best homicide detectives in New York. From small time stabbings to high end mob hits, Erik (and his equally scary partner Logan) makes sure all the bad guys get caught, searching for the final clue to nail his mother's killer. As a string of murders draws the net ever tighter on Erik's life's work, he needs to catch the nightmare of his past whilst continuing to be the darling of the Force...

And so what if he's completely in love with the British guy on Forensics? Who's he ever going to tell?

Wrap up my bones – waifornight

Summary: Damaged detective Erik Lehnsherr is grimly searching for a serial killer whose victims all have extraordinary gifts. But without any clues or leads he and his partner Logan are in the dark. Until Charles Xavier, abducted by the killer, escapes. Together Erik and Charles must confront something far darker than either of them had ever imagined.

Alternate Universe loosely based off the crime movie Kiss the Girls.

I’ll see your heart (and I’ll race you mine) – sirona

Summary: For Kriminalhauptkommissar Erik Lehnsherr, this case will change everything.

Paralyzer – Yahtzee

Summary: In 1965, Erik Lehnsherr has infiltrated the NYPD for his own purposes -- but his powers make him a brilliant detective. Yet that's not why FBI agent Charles Xavier has sought him out. It's because the mysterious killer they're both trying to find is murdering people like them: other mutants.

Their search for a madman binds them together. Their inner demons may tear them apart. But the greatest danger comes when the killer they're looking for looks back.

Wrap up my bones – waifornight

Summary: Damaged detective Erik Lehnsherr is grimly searching for a serial killer whose victims all have extraordinary gifts. But without any clues or leads he and his partner Logan are in the dark. Until Charles Xavier, abducted by the killer, escapes. Together Erik and Charles must confront something far darker than either of them had ever imagined.

Alternate Universe loosely based off the crime movie Kiss the Girls.

The Long Bright Dark – lachatblanche

Summary: Ten years ago Detectives Charles Xavier and Erik Lehnsherr closed the case on a grotesque series of murders that continue to haunt them even in the present day. When they are pulled in for questioning a decade later, they finally have confirmation of something that they have both suspected for a very long time - that there is unfinished business for them to take care of and that the case they thought they had closed so very long ago is in reality still all too open.

A True Detective AU.

Finding North – ClarkeStetler, Goosenik

Summary: Charles and Erik are (loosely) friends with benefits. They don't share personal details, last names, or anything concrete about their lives. This is ruined rather spectacularly when Charles gets recruited by the Mutant Apprehension Division of the FBI. Surprised is a bit of an understatement for their reaction to finding themselves partnered up and sent out on cases with the team.

Closer (to God) – dsrobertson

Summary: Se7en/The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo AU-ish.

Political journalist and editor, Erik Lehnsherr, has just lost £150,000 in a libel case against businessman, Kurt Marko. Down on his luck and in need of money, Erik is approached by the Metropolitan Police’s Detective Inspector Charles Xavier. Well-known for his investigative journalism, Erik is asked to help in the search for a serial killer in return for £200,000 if the killer is caught.

Wrapped up in murder, religion, and sex, Erik gets more than he bargained for.

Homo Sacer – unveiled

Summary: In a not too distant future, Detective Erik Lehnsherr meets Charles Xavier: street magician, former academician, and telepath.

One Good Day – troll_under_the_bridge

Summary: One case which is going to turn Charles' world upside down, while he struggles to pacify his boss, investigate murders and come to terms with the mess his life has become.

Playing With Fire – professor

Summary: Charles is a detective determined to catch a serial killer.

If the serial killer doesn't catch him first.

Hold on or let go – aesc, pearl_o

Summary: Teenage telepath Charles Xavier takes a job as a consultant, working with prickly police detective Erik Lehnsherr. Charles is used to being on his own and taking care of himself; he has no reason to think that his relationship with this stern, icy man is going to change any of that. (Also known as: Tough Little Baby Telepath.)

MCIS: First Case – Pookaseraph

Summary: Erik Lehnsherr considers himself a great MCIS agent, and he puts up with a lot from his boss - Moira MacTaggart - in the name of solving crimes against mutants, but he's not so sure about this new empath, Charles Xavier. Their first case together will test Erik's patience, but doubtless be the beginning of a brilliant friendship.

MCIS: Fathers, Sons, and Brothers – Pookaseraph

Summary: Alex Summers has a single case that he has obsessed about ever since coming to MCIS two years ago: Su-M-94-0708-0034, the murder of Christopher and Katherine Summers, and the presumed kidnapping and possible murder of Scott Summers. Very little evidence was found at the time, but hopefully a new team - and new leads - can shed light on the case that left Alex an orphan.

When the Crazies come to town – Chinchillaatthedisc0

Summary: Erik is a surly detective with zero people skills who has just been assigned the murder case of Kurt Marko. Prime suspect? Charles xavier. Who's no where to be found.

My old man is a bad man – faerie_ground

Summary: Sebastian Shaw dies at two am in the morning with a dagger embedded in his forehead. Detective Erik Lehnsherr is on the case, and the number one suspect is the recently widowed Dr Charles Xavier, Sebastian Shaw's husband.

Deep Cover – Subtilior

Summary: Omegas in heat? The perfect whores. Sebastian Shaw? The bastard who kidnaps them for his Hellfire Club. Erik Lehnsherr? A hard-boiled detective who's been on the Hellfire case for months. The catastrophe that unfolds when he goes in on retrieval and finds Charles Xavier still writhing in a Hellfire bed? .... Deep Cover.

A Murder of Ravens – AbandonedWorld

Summary:Charles Xavier is wrongfully accused. Erik Lehnsherr is a top-notch homicide Lieutenant who stumbles upon the case of a lifetime: a serial killer targeting mutants–and only mutants. Charles bides his incarceration waiting on a miracle, reciting Poe's timeless gem in effort to retain his sanity...

Note: Unfinished

[jazy3]

Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 17X3

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

I liked this episode, but nothing beats that Premiere. I mean Wow! This episode for me felt very much like a continuation of the two part Premiere. It was confirmed that Meredith has COVID-19 (!) and we got to see how she’s doing and where her treatment is at. My best friend who I watch with pointed out that some of the treatments they mention are things that health care workers were trying in the early days of the pandemic that we now know aren’t very effective. It’s interesting to see the doctors work through this process as it would have happened for health care workers at the time.

We get to see Derek Shepherd again which is always a treat! His words confirm that the beach Meredith is on is some kind of limbo and that her reaching Derek will mean she had died and is transitioning into the afterlife. Derek tells her she can’t reach him because she’s worried about the kids and how reuniting with him means leaving their children behind. My guess is that she’s going to code in an upcoming episode and will reunite and talk to Derek once that happens and then they’ll resuscitate her and she’ll come back to the land of the living.

I loved how Derek kept saying the sand wasn’t real and then Meredith ran to him and tripped and fell and she called him on it and he laughed. Classic Derek. He loves her, but he was also kind of an asshole at times and that was so him. I loved the scene with Bailey and Meredith and that we got an Alex reference. God I miss him. I got the Meredith and Richard scene I’ve been hoping for! That I felt like was missing last season and in the premiere. It was so sweet.

I think Meredith made the right choice with her Medical Power of Attorney (POA). Richard loves her enough to do everything to save her, but is clear headed and wise enough to respect her wishes if she becomes too far gone. I loved his joke about it being pay back for what he did years earlier. I loved the conversation she had with Hayes too! When Maggie asks if he wants her to say Hi he says no and jokes that he wouldn't her to think she’s special and we later see that Hayes does that so that he can visit Meredith in person and talk to her through video outside her window.

I had a moment where I thought that Meredith might make Hayes her POA, but then he made the comment about how you don’t want it to be a family member or someone who loves you so much that they’ll do anything to keep you alive. It should be someone who can be objective and respect your wishes. Hayes cares deeply for Meredith and if it were him he’d do everything to keep her alive no matter what and I love that implication from their conversation. I love how he told her all the reasons people fear and respect her and how the disease had nothing on her. So great! I love their interactions so much.

I liked that she asked him about Abigail because we’ve seen him ask her about Derek and her past relationships and it’s been implied they’ve talked about his, but this is the first instance we see on screen. Through this interaction we learn more about his wife too. He called her Abby and when she was sick with cancer her sister was her POA and made them do everything they could to save her even though Hayes and his boys objected. Which is interesting considering on her death bed Abigail described her sister as crazy, but not a bad person and made Hayes promise to let the boys see her. I’m guessing she didn’t want to put Hayes through having to make those decisions for her.

We also get to see Hayes and Maggie interact for the first time! We see that like Amelia, Maggie is a fan. She knows about his feelings for Meredith and their relationship and is supportive. Which is more than anyone else except Derek ever got from anyone in Meredith’s life so major points there. The interactions between Maggie and Winston we’re very sweet and I love how they comforted each other and the shot where they made it look like they were on opposite sides of the wall was very cool.

Some great acting on the part of Kelly McCreary in that closet scene! I felt her heartbreak. I’m disappointed we didn’t get more Meredith and Hayes scenes and that we haven’t gotten any explicit romantic content from them so far this season. I love a slow burn as much as the next person, but after watching Meredith jump feet first into relationships with men who turned out to be her boss, married, engaged to someone who wasn’t actually dead, her student, or that she wasn’t ready for only to have those relationships completely blow up in her face I want to see her in a healthy committed relationship with an actual grown up.

Hayes is that person and while I loved their slow burn last season I really wish they would pick up the pace here. I love seeing their relationship develop, but at this point they’ve established that they are good friends who have a lot in common and are able to talk openly about their kids, dead spouses, past partners, and problems. Hayes has made it clear he’s interested in her romantically and Meredith appears to reciprocate his feelings, but it feels like those feelings are just under the surface of their interactions and I’m starting to get a bit frustrated.

There are multiple romantic plot points I could have done without over the years with regards to Meredith’s storyline. This is one that I really want to see and I wish they would hurry up. I did like the mention of how Meredith will have to quarantine at a hotel for at least two weeks after she’s discharged. I’d love for Hayes to be the person she quarantines with and see them spend some time alone together and I think there’s great potential there.  

I loved that we got to see a scene with Meredith and Ellis! She’s so cute! Bailey and Ellis are starting to talk more as characters and we’re getting more insight into who these kids are which is great! Up until recently we only really got a feel for who Zola was. I love also that they’re finding ways to do it that keep the child actors who play them safe while incorporating moments with them.

I love seeing Richard step into the Chiefs role. He’ll be great in it and can really help Grey Sloan and the other Catherine Fox hospitals through this. I liked his speech to Tom although he didn’t seem to take it to heart. It was also cool to see him give a speech to the new interns that they introduced. It’s not his usual speech because these are not usual times and I like that they reflected that. Also, Sandy from ER is one of the new interns and I love that. My best friend and I have spotted a lot of cameos in this season of Grey’s so far from other long running shows which is really cool.

Tom was floundering again this episode and I feel like they might be moving towards wrapping up his storyline because if him and Teddy aren’t getting back together, which appears to be the case, and with Amelia on maternity leave there’s no real story for him. Since it’s now been revealed that he has COVID-19 they could choose to kill him off or have him recover and return to where he was working prior to moving to Seattle. It was heartbreaking to watch Amelia and Maggie worry over Meredith. Especially Amelia knowing that losing her sister who was also Derek’s beloved wife could compromise her sobriety that she has worked so hard to achieve and maintain.  

I liked the scenes with Amelia and Link, but it’s starting to feel a little gratuitous with the sex angle I think because none of the other characters are able to do that right now. We got some nice Jo and Link interactions. It was nice to see Link back in the OR. It was also nice to see Jackson remember he has a kid and talk about Harriet! We get some updates about his co-parenting situation with April and Matthew and that he doesn’t get to see Harriet as much as he’d like because he’s picking up more COVID shifts than April is. He likes Matthew, but he’s irked when Harriet says that he cuts her sandwiches better and I mean fair.

We see that DeLuca is wearing a yellow scrub cover whereas the Attending Physicians are wearing dark blue and the new interns are wearing light blue. This appears to confirm that he’s doing his Fellowship as otherwise their scrub covers would be the same colour. He spends the episode following Teddy around which seems to imply that he might be doing a Fellowship under her. Which would explain why Meredith didn’t know about it as she and Teddy aren’t super close and Meredith is presumably on Owen’s side in the fallout of Teddy’s affair being made public. Still, we’ve never seen DeLuca take any interest in Cardio or have any scenes with Teddy prior to this so it’s unclear.

I feel like the actor who plays DeLuca must have some kind of personal connection to someone who works behind the scenes on the show because at this point his character doesn’t really serve any real purpose in terms of the plot. His character doesn’t move any of the other characters storylines forward and you could remove him from Seasons 15, 16, and 17 and it wouldn’t affect the story at all. Prior to that his character served a purpose in Maggie, Alex, Jo, and Amelia’s storylines, but that ended in Season 15.

Since then we’ve seen him creepily pursue Meredith, date her largely off screen, and then get sick with Bipolar Disorder. That’s it and none of those plots affected the larger story of the show in any major way because they made it clear through dialogue that DeLuca isn’t part of the gang and the other characters don’t like him and simply tolerate his presence. Now they’re having him follow Teddy around and help treat Meredith off screen. It’s like they’re grasping at straws. His character serves no purpose at this point so I’m confused as to why they haven’t written him off. Maybe they will in the second half of the season? 

In the Promo for next week they tease that there’s something else on that beach that’s a familiar face. Someone Meredith has lost that’s passed on and that they’re hanging out at the outpost we see on the beach. My money is on George O’Malley.

Until next time!

[lucadansembourg]

                                                                                           HSHQTASK023. 

                                                   luca & henri. 

(  LISTEN ALONG  )

                                                                                                        feat. @henridorleans

“please hurry leave me, i can't breathe, please don't say you love me.”  - track 001. first love/late spring by mitski. 

the actual  first time they meet is irrelevant, an event neither remembers. surely, over the years they’ve had conversations, somewhere, sometime. but none of them truly matter, not when faced with what they become. there’s nothing of note between them, at least nothing before the cold november night in luxembourg that they actually meet for the first time. 

the setting is a slightly seedy bar in a back alley in the heart of luxembourg, where luca d’ansembourg is chasing the bottom of a bottle yet again. he’s become something of a regular, a ruling monarch always sitting in the same booth in the back. none of the other regulars dare to bother him, they haven’t since nathalie died and luca became a shell of himself. but the color has started to return to his cheeks, word on the street is he’s begun to heal. 

maybe that’s why he seems approachable. 

henri d’orleans is traveling. he’s been north of paris, into belgium and finally he’s wound up with a few nights in luxembourg city. what draws him to the bar is unknown even to him, perhaps fate leads him through the doors. it’s nice enough, isn’t it? it takes almost an hour for him to notice the man in the booth in the back, pouring out his sorrows into a glass of whiskey yet again. 

they meet and they don’t use any bullshit titles or last names that could give them away. 

late that night, when they return to the little apartment luca keeps “just in case” they’re just people. and if luca is a little bit broken and henri is still searching for something he can’t quite grasp, they don’t mention it. 

“ oh, but i was just a placeholder a lesson to be learned oh, i was just a placeholder a place you will return.” - track 002. placeholder by hand habits.

luca wakes the next morning to his phone ringing over and over again. it’s wilhelmina, frantic with worry after luca had disappeared into the night. she’s worried, because of course she is. they’re d’ansembourgs, all they seem to do is worry these days. he tries to stay quiet, to not wake henri. 

“i’ll be back at the palace in a few hours, don’t worry, wilhelmina.” 

maybe it’s the mention of the palace, maybe it’s the way luca says wilhelmina like an exasperated older brother.

but henri has heard the entire conversation and is beginning to fit the puzzle pieces together. 

the way luca never asked for another drink, he was simply handed one by the bartender. the stares he’d gotten from the other regulars for daring to speak to the king. the expensive apartment that no one seemed to live in. it all added up to an image of the king of luxembourg henri hadn’t expected. 

he makes his excuses and goes, practically sprinting out the door with a new perspective on french relations with luxembourg. he leaves the tiny country that afternoon, the bruises still fresh on his skin, a reminder that the night before had really happened. 

luca takes a moment to put himself back together and then meets his twins and siblings for lunch, and tries to push the night out of his mind. he doesn’t frequent the bar like he used to, and when he does he even manages to give them a smile, a real one this time. maybe a night out was just what he needed. maybe he just needed to be normal for a moment. 

they swear they don’t think about it, but they do. 

“we try and connect the dots and the facts how do we have to be here? 'cause these hotels, i just can't relax the more i bend, the worse that i snap i feel like a goddamn maniac .” - track 003. ruins by jade bird.

it’s new year’s eve, and there’s far too much going on. it seems the whole world is here, every royal from every country in one ballroom in paris. for henri d’orleans, this is his element. he’s charming and easy to speak to, always able to talk his way into and out of conversations on a whim. 

on the other hand, luca d’ansembourg is simply terrible at events like these. when it’s small groups, he can almost manage to seem normal, but with the movement of the crowd and the volume of the room, he’s barely said twenty words to those around him. he prefers to be a wallflower, usually, but his sisters have been pestering him about making new friends. it’s not going well. 

luca spots him across the room and trails off mid-sentence. no one around him notices. 

he looks almost the same, if not a just a little bit more dressed up. 

that’s henri, from the bar. that’s henri, the prince of france. luca can feel the panic set in as their eyes meet across the ballroom, and he only holds henri’s gaze for a second before dashing towards an alcove he’d noticed earlier. 

he doesn’t expect henri to make his excuses and follow him. 

he’s plotting his escape and how easy it will be to become a recluse and never leave the grand palace again when henri appears in his line of vision. and even if they’re alone in the alcove, they might as well be alone at the world. 

when they’re together, it’s like everything else seems to fall away. the responsibilities, the titles, the riches, none of it matters. 

they’re counting down to the year 2019 in the ballroom, but the pair don’t seem to notice, too caught up in each other once again. it seems like the world stops as they gravitate towards each other. 

the kiss may not happen exactly at midnight, but there’s no one around to police it. 

“and it’s no one’s fault but yours at the foot of the house of cards. you thought you’d never get obsessed,  you thought the wolves would be impressed. and you’re a sinking stone, but you know what it’s like.” - track 004. the jeweler’s hands by arctic monkeys.

henri leaves before the sun comes up, almost like a force of habit. 

it’s easier that way, he always tells himself. it’s better if they just... don’t talk about it. especially because he’s not going to stick around, even if luca asked him to. it’s not personal, just... henri doesn’t need anything more, he never has. the life of royalty made things like falling in love out of question. 

when luca wakes on the first morning of the year, he’s alone. 

and he’s only able to feel bad about himself for a minute, before he decides that he’s kind of grateful that henri is gone. he wouldn’t know what to say, other than the obvious. and then he’s definitely glad he’s gone, when wilhelmina barges into his hotel room without warning. he’s dodged a bullet that morning, but he can’t help but feel like this is the start of something. 

and it is. 

“honey you are nothing to me but alcohol and dopamine. i’m dying on the sofa and i barely know the time like an old man, say i reckon, i love you for a millisecond, but i don’t wear a watch or rolex.” - track 005. presumably dead arm by sidney gish.

they meet again in mid-february at a coronation, and it’s the same song and dance. 

even if argentina is an entirely different type of place than paris, it’s still just a bit too lively for luca’s preferences. the events hosted in buenos aires are filled with dancing and parties that are just too much, but luca still attends, even if he hangs out in the corner for the entire night, watching the crowd move around him. it’s not out of some sense of duty he’s terrible at having, but because his siblings are yet again badgering him into “making new friends” and “coming out of his shell” like he’s some sort of shy schoolgirl. 

henri is having a marginally better time, if only because he’s got the ability to thrive in a social setting. light on his feet and giving with words he doesn’t actually mean make him a favorite for the people who want to dance, and he catches luca’s eye sometimes across the room and his chest will twist in a weird way that he can’t quite place. when he runs out of partners and people to talk to, he’ll check that same corner and find it empty, luca leaving the parties just before henri can go looking for him. 

on the last night of their trip, luca shows up on henri’s doorstep with a half smile and they fall into bed together yet again, this time with the ease of practiced lovers. and maybe it’s just a little bit too close to something he can’t take back, but when henri wakes the next morning luca is gone, his side of the bed cold. 

“but the light in the hallway and the silence in my room... said i don’t think i’ll get used to losing you.” - track 006. losing you by flyte.

luca goes back to luxembourg to an empty palace and he’s glad that his entire family is gone, his siblings taking his girls on a trip for that weekend. he lets himself wallow in pity for a day, asking all the questions that must be common for widowers who are trying to figure everything out alone. 

he sleeps in his twins’ empty room, unable to stand his own, the room still standing untouched. it’s a monument to his late wife, he can’t bring himself to even more things off her bedside table yet. it’s too fresh, even if it’s been an entire year. for a place that once was a sanctuary built by a woman who luca would have burned down the world for, it’s become something of a tomb. 

and then on sunday, he wakes and he finds that things are lighter, that he’s able to handle the grief. he can breathe in. he spends the afternoon in wilhelmina’s garden, away from the bustle of his siblings’ return. wren finds him there, hours later. 

“do you think she’d want me to... move on?” he asks, as if his youngest sibling will have any idea. he gets a shrug in reply, but wren still sits with him until it gets dark. and somehow that’s the push luca needed, that he can let go a little bit. that he can live without the shadow of his late wife watching over his every move. 

he thinks nathalie would be proud that he picked himself back up and did what he was meant to do. he knows that his sisters are. when his first valentine’s weekend alone is over, luca feels lighter than he has since the diagnosis, and it shows in his work, in the way he carries himself. 

he doesn’t lock himself away in the palace, instead he returns to engagement parties and balls held in honor of the dumbest things, and he does it with a bit more confidence, a little bit of a spring in his step. 

“and that’s the thing about illicit affairs and clandestine meetings and longing stares. they show their truth one single time, but they lie and they lie and they lie, a million little times.” - track 007. illicit affairs by taylor swift.

the first event back, they avoid each other for the first half of the weekend. but then henri can’t keep his eyes away, as luca carries a conversation instead of fading into the background. something’s different, something that henri can’t put his finger on but once he notices it’s terribly distracting. he can’t tear his eyes away. and when luca catches his stare across the room, and blushes just a little bit, it’s over. they’re right back to the start. 

in the spring of 2019, it becomes a habit. it seems like every royal event, they both end up as their country’s representative. whether it’s coincidence, fate or some sort of subconscious desire to see the other, there’s no way to tell, but they’re meeting eyes across ballrooms in japan and having conversations over cigars in botswana. 

in public, they simply read as two old friends. 

in private, they’re something more altogether.

they meet in hotel rooms and rented apartments, in europe and asia and one memorable time in new york city. 

after argentina, it’s always henri following luca to where he’s staying, and leaving before the morning comes. each time, though, luca starts to find that he wants more. he wants him to stay, but henri never does. 

and that should be enough of a sign, that this isn’t the same sort of thing for henri that it is for luca. 

but luca’s never been too good at reading the signs. 

“one last kiss i love you like an alcoholic. one last kiss, i love you like a stauette. one last kiss, i need you like a need a gaping head wound.” - track 008. i love you like an alcoholic by the taxpayers.

it’s may and they’ve been dancing around each other like this for months. they make their excuses and leave before the party’s end more often than not, check over their shoulders thousands of times to make sure no one will catch a glimpse of them. 

they keep it quiet because it’s the only option. luca isn’t looking for a scandal in a country still reeling from the death of it’s beloved queen, and henri isn’t looking to seem attached at all. 

they both say they’re getting what they want out of their meetings, but they’re not, really. they’re both too busy lying to themselves to realize that there’s a way that they can just reach out and have what they want. 

it all culminates in a few too many words said in the same apartment where it began, when luca’s drunken words become just a little bit too real. henri leaves and it feels different this time, like a nail in the coffin. 

luca wakes alone, but he’d been expecting it. 

he isn’t expecting his sisters to send guards to the apartment, to drag him back to the palace. 

he doesn’t expect the invasion. 

“hard feelings these are what they call hard feelings of love when the sweet words and fevers all leave us right here in the cold, oh oh.” - track 009. hard feelings/loveless by lorde.

it’s like a knife in his back, and he can’t even scream at him. henri disappears from his life into the night, just as easily as he’d entered it. luca rages when he’s alone, only allows himself to feel the loss of a lover, or even just a friend, when no one can see. he projects a strength he doesn’t have anymore, a mask that reminds him just a little bit too much of his father. he’s what his people need, for once. 

henri didn’t know, but who would believe him? he’s the one who left under the cover of the night while his own brother’s soldiers marched into the place he was running from. if he acts a little bit out of line when discussing it, it can be dismissed as being upset he’s been left out of the loop. if he hides away in his rooms for a few days, no one seems to read into it. 

when luca follows wilhelmina into the protection program, he only does so after figuring out that henri isn’t there. he’s not interested in seeing him ever again, to be honest. it’s easier that way, when he doesn’t have to worry about running into him randomly. he can prepare himself. 

the first event they both attend, luca manages to not look towards henri the entire night. it’s a win, a victory that he cannot believe he managed. he radiates calm only after hours of convincing himself everything will be alright, and only stays as long as he has to, trying to charm people who can help them out of their situation. 

henri can’t believe he misses catching luca’s gaze across a ballroom, but that little ache in his chest is something he refuses to feel again. he lets it go, tries his hardest to push everything out of his mind. it’s easier that way, he reminds himself. he couldn’t get attached, and even though he’s a little sad that the fun is over, it’s not the end of the world. 

both of them are liars, but they’ve managed to believe it.

when henri arrives in phuket, it’s to no fanfare. when a shouting match that he doesn’t want ensues, they both feel like they’re playing the part: henri as the villain and luca as the jilted lover. but yet again, the magnetism that pulls them together continues on. there’s no way they can avoid this. 

neither of them is going to make this easy. 

“cause if i had loved you the way you loved me before, or if you hadn't left me with this doubt creeping up my spine, maybe we could help this ” - track 011. getting on in spite of you by remember sports. 

[sjjms]

Someone you love or loved? | 02

pairing: minhyukxreader genre: angst summary: life or grief?

part one

Your eyes caught sight of Minhyuk’s parents. His mother, poised in every manner including her outfit stood as an observant in the room making sure nothing were to happen. His father, on the other hand, appeared relaxed but still solemn. It was going to be easier to approach Minhyuk’s father rather than his mother. The two of you stood outside the memorial in place for Hoseok’s wife. Minhyuk squeezed your hand tightly, you weren’t sure whether it reassurance you needed, meeting Minhyuk’s parents would have come one day. You just hadn’t expected it to be during a funeral. There were multiple wreaths all with colour trying to brighten a room that couldn’t be. A bouquet of tulips by her picture placed in the centre caught your eyes. She loved tulips… It was the first thing you had ever learnt about her.

“Are you ready to go in?” Minhyuk brought you away from those thoughts to refocus your attention to the present. Today had one goal, support Hoseok. He was the one suffering in pain… as well as silence. You worried too about the last time he even ate or slept. He had been staying in Minhyuk’s apartment and the times you were there, Hoseok had been behind closed doors.

You nodded and untangle your fingers from Minhyuk’s, both of you bow politely and approach the stand to each light an incense. From your peripheral vision, you saw Minhyuk’s mother’s eyes on you, it wasn’t the time to hold a grudge against someone. You picked up an incense stick and a box of matches. After Minhyuk had placed one down, you followed his actions and stood there momentarily observing the smoke. Don’t worry too much. We’ll take good care of him. You looked up hoping she would hear those words, perhaps, they would give her some comfort. Taking a step back you attached yourself to Minhyuk’s side and now faced the mourners.

Bags upon bags haunted his eyes while the pale complexion greeted you. Hoseok kept his head low to only look up briefly.

“Are you getting any sleep?” You ask in a hushed tone matching others in the room. It was met by silence but you presumed he hadn’t… “Have you been eating?” You hoped for at least a movement of the head but even then, he didn’t comply. You looked towards Minhyuk and he enlightened your fears.

Pulling Minhyuk away from Hoseok you spoke in a hushed voice, “We have to do something, is someone able to take over for him? We can at least then try and make him eat.” Minhyuk nods and turning to his parents and Hoseok’s he murmured a few words. Kneeling in front of Hoseok, a moment of courage helps you to say the next words, he didn’t want to hear.

“Let’s go get some fresh air.” You reached out to hold his arm and gently tugged, hoping it would pull him up. He thankfully moved. Hoseok walked ahead as you trailed behind with Minhyuk. The two of them headed outside to the nearby park as you collected food for all three of you.

You found them sitting on a bench, Minhyuk grabbed the food out of your hands as you sat down. You glance up to see the leaves shade the blue sky. A beautiful day for the wrong occasion, it was a sign - she was watching. Kids screaming in the distance filled the silence. Watching Hoseok take the food from Minhyuk’s grasp gave a slither of hope that he would start eating but as time passed by, it was left untouched.

“I know your grieving right now but you’re still alive for a reason…” Your voice halted on those last words now realising you were treading on cautious ground. It was these words that Hoseok needed to hear. “Everyone knows in the beginning that it is going to be heart-wrenching and as time passes it will become endurable. It will hurt to eat, sleep and breathe. But… she wouldn’t want this for you. Her death shouldn’t define the rest of your life.” There. You said it. You took a deep breath and glance in his direction. Hoseok’s expression hadn’t changed… you at least hoped something has been taken from that.

X

As the day drew to a close, so did the funeral, you were exhausted and no doubt others were too. “Are you going to stay with your parents tonight?” You heard Minhyuk ask approaching the two of them, Hoseok still hadn’t spoken but he was now at least responsive. He gave a simple nod to Minhyuk before greeting a few people who had turned up late due to work. Minhyuk’s eyes met yours. He knew what to do. “We’ll be heading off then.”

Minhyuk took your hand and gave a weak smile. “Let’s go home.” You let Minhyuk pull you as your legs started to give in. As you began to leave, you noted the walls were all the same somber grey, it wouldn’t help alleviate an animal’s mood let alone a human’s. “Rest your head here,” Minhyuk whispered, you moved your hand up his arm to comfortably rest your head on his shoulder while still walking.

“Minhyuk.” Someone said his name making you lift your head up, Minhyuk pulled you around so you could match the voice to the face. His mother. “You’ll be coming for dinner tomorrow.” Her glare startled you, the eyes mostly, trying to shoot you down with a bullet. You felt it. Now you realised why you were never introduced to his parents, well, his mother. She didn’t approve of you. Did it matter? At the end of the day, why should Minhyuk’s parents approve? His mother didn’t say anything more, her back faced you to walk away.

“You’re going to need to take tomorrow off.”

“Okay.” You muttered and placed your head back on his shoulder. It was too late to start learning everything about his mother, you would just have to remember it all in a crash course tomorrow. The humid air welcomed you as you walked across the car park, only now noticing how cold it was inside the building.

You must have nodded off during the car ride home as you woke up in bed. Minhyuk, beside you, typing away on his laptop. “Do you really need to be doing work right now?” You ask unsure of even the time right now.

“You’re awake,” Minhyuk mutters, you watch him reply to emails for a few seconds before becoming fed up. You check the time noticing it wasn’t even midnight yet as you began to move. What time had you left the memorial? How long had you been asleep?. “Don’t go, you were keeping me warm.” Minhyuk pulled you back to him, you laughed slightly knowing this was familiar. It happened all too often. Always resulting in one thing. But, he didn’t pursue it instead Minhyuk was in his thoughts.

“What you said today to Hoseok… it must have been hard for you as well.” Minhyuk pressed his lips to the top of your head as you understood the shift in his voice - calm and gentle.

“Well… I wish someone had told me those things when I went through it.” You had suffered when your fiancé died. It would be seven years since his passing in a few weeks. You smiled as the image of his soft hazel eyes greeted you. You knew he was fading from your memory. Soon enough you wouldn't be able to remember the sound of his voice or the smell of his cologne. But, it was something you had come to accept.  You had Minhyuk, after all. He had found you when you were still struggling in the dark and he slowly opened up your world again.

“Y/N.” Minhyuk’s voice... “Did I say too much?”

“No, it’s okay.” You reply, Minhyuk only knew minor details. He knew you were going to marry him but he died before the wedding took place. He didn’t know you still visited his grave every few months, still looked at old photos and still kept the engagement ring. In a sense, it was as if you were still grieving despite the passing of multiple years. The memory of his death haunted you. The moment he died would replay on repeat. You knew it wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t anybody’s fault but still, you couldn’t let him go.

A ringtone filled your ears as you looked at Minhyuk, his head oddly twitched at the caller's name, Hoseok. “It’s Hoseok.” Hoseok? You wondered what he could possibly be calling for.. Minhyuk quickly pulls himself off the bed and heads into the living room. You decide to follow him but instead went to the kitchen, still able to hear the conversation if you wanted to. Curiosity was at an advantage, why had Hoseok called? It was almost midnight and he hadn’t spoken in days.

“Hang on. What about Kihyun’s company?” You heard, business… You were glad he was at least talking now. You already guessed, he would pour the remnants of his heart into working and achieving his company’s goal. You looked through your cupboards for a snack and settled for the last packet of noodles. Shopping was something you also needed to do it but with everything going on, splitting your time between work and Minhyuk’s apartment, the chance hadn’t shown itself.

“You’re still going to go through with the deal right? Kihyun is relying on you to partner up with him.” You continued to make the noodles without paying much attention to Minhyuk’s conversation. Hoseok must have found something wrong with Kihyun’s company. Kihyun seemed like a good person, you only had met him once but you could see he was new to this kind of world. You were new too, at one point, but had never involved yourself with Minhyuk’s business, it became easier though once you had eased into the routine. The two of you also refrained from talking about work although it didn’t always go to plan.

“I’ll set up a business meeting. We can all talk then, get some rest Hoseok.” By the time Minhyuk stood opposite you leaning against the counter, the noodles had finished cooking. He grabbed two pairs of chopsticks from the drawer, you didn’t exactly want to share… you made an exception since it was likely you wouldn’t finish these by yourself.

“Is Hoseok okay?” You ask taking the chopsticks from him and pulling out the jug of water from the fridge. Minhyuk sighs and shakes his head starting to eat the noodles before you could even sit down.

“He’s found out Kihyun’s about to sign another partnership that he doesn’t exactly see eye to eye with. He wants to try and talk him out of it.”

“Have you warned Kihyun?” You watched Minhyuk nod his head before taking another portion of the noodles, you could have sworn he was taking more than you.

“Hoseok’s left a message and so have I. We’ll just have to wait. Sorry… I know we don’t talk about work.” You smile a little and shrugged it off, it was a change of subject, you liked to hear about his day sometimes when yours had been rough.

“It’s my fault, I started by asking about Hoseok. But I like hearing about your work, especially since we work in different areas.” You took another mouthful of noodles before Minhyuk had a chance to take another portion.

“Was there anything eventful yesterday at work?” You thought back to your shift, remembering it was a relatively quiet one.

“Not really… departures mainly. I was invited to Rowoon’s wedding. He’s marrying his best friend.” Now that you thought about it, being invited to his wedding did brighten your day. Brightened your week. It was something to look forward to next month.

“Will you be okay going…?” Minhyuk had always been hesitant talking about your previous partner, you hadn’t really opened up about him and so there were some things Minhyuk did want to find out before he initially popped the question. He just had to figure out when and how.

“I’ll be fine. Anyway… we should focus on your mother.” You quickly change the topic hoping he wouldn’t be paying too much attention. Minhyuk sighs and nods knowing his mother took the priority at the moment.

“Now that she’s seen your face… she’s likely to have hired a private investigator to look into your past.” Your eyes widened. Really? A private investigator? Who would do that? Minhyuk’s mother… apparently. You thought for a moment and considered your past, all you had was the one thing Minhyuk knew.

“I think I’m going to disappoint her then. You know all my secrets.”

[sage-nebula]

I’m going to make numerous posts about season two of The Dragon Prince this weekend, because there are so many different things I want to talk about, and so much I want to say about each one. But for now, I think I’m going to start with the hottest button topic, since it’s the one that garnered the most attention even before release.

I’m putting the rest under a cut due to spoilers.

First, let me preface this by saying that I am a queer (nonbinary) woman. The only person I’ve ever been in actual romantic love with was a woman, and though I’ve identified as biromantic for years now, I’ve realized that in recent times I do have a preference for women. On top of this, I am a content creator. I’ve been writing fiction steadily for almost nineteen years now, and my original works feature all kinds of queer relationships that do not end in tragedy or death, because I know how important it is for people like us to get happy endings, too. So please believe me that I say that I’m not writing this from the perspective of someone who doesn’t understand these issues on a deep, intimate level. I do. But it’s because I understand these issues on a variety of levels that I have mixed (but ultimately hopeful) feelings about what The Dragon Prince did in season two. What follows is a summation of my thoughts and feelings, but please know going forward that I cannot and would never presume to speak for every queer person out there. Everything that follows here is simply my take on the subject. I’m not aiming to invalidate anyone’s feelings, nor claim that I speak for anyone else. I speak for myself and myself alone. If you feel differently, that’s fine. But just know that everything I write here is merely to air my own thoughts on the subject, not to fight with anyone over how they personally feel. Please keep that in mind moving forward.

As most people know by now, season two features a (presumably) lesbian couple in the form of Queen Aanya’s parents, the late queens of the Kingdom of Duren. The fact that Aanya’s parents were two women in love is not something that is paraded about, or announced with fanfare, either in the show or outside of it. Not once did The Dragon Prince crew make a big deal of the fact that we would see a same-sex couple in this season of the show, nor did they advertise it. Similarly, outside of Aanya referring to both women as her parents, and Viren agreeing that they were her mothers as well as being the queens, no one draws attention to the fact that these were two women in love. Despite this, it’s still obvious that they were. Not only were they referred to as queens and Aanya’s mothers (the later of which making it clear to everyone watching that they were a romantic couple; no one could twist this into sisters co-ruling or anything of the sort), but we see them kiss on screen. It’s a brief moment, but it’s warm and it’s there. It was unmistakable that these two women were in love with one another.

Unfortunately, they both also die.

The “Bury Your Gays” trope is an ugly trope that has lasted for far too long. The basic premise is that if there is a queer character or couple in a narrative, one or both must die by the story’s end. Usually this is done in some highly dramatic fashion to show just how much the queer characters suffer along the way. In this, the subconscious idea is planted that being queer is tragic and painful, almost as a punishment. The fact that straight characters in the same stories manage to avoid this fate just makes it harder to bear.

As a result, you can imagine the outrage from queer members of the fandom when it was revealed before the season aired that lesbians would die in this season of The Dragon Prince. Thankfully, Aaron Ehasz spoke out about the matter before the season aired, and his words gave me hope. Part of the problem with the “Bury Your Gays” trope is the fact that these are often the only queer characters in the story. If the only queer characters in the story die (or end up alone and miserable because their partner died) while the straight characters get to live and have happy endings, then as stated above, the message is that being queer brings loneliness, misery, pain, and death. However, if many characters in the narrative die and there’s a mixture of queer and straight, and if there are other queer characters who live and have happy endings, then “Bury Your Gays” is no longer in effect. Instead, the queer characters are being treated as any other characters in the story, which in the end is what we all want.

Nonetheless, though Aaron Ehasz did put some of my concerns to rest, I was still a bit apprehensive going into the season. Having watched those scenes now, I can say that while I am disappointed that queer characters died, ultimately I’m fine (and on some level even happy) with the way it was handled, and I do still have trust in the crew and faith in future seasons.

To begin with, as many others have mentioned, the Queens of Duren died heroically. They died doing what they could for their people, as well as the people of Katolis, the kingdom that had agreed to help theirs. Rather than being held up as martyrs of suffering and misery, they were instead treated and remembered as heroes, with monuments built up in their honor. Most notably, this very same thing happened with Queen Sarai of Katolis in the same set of scenes, for she died during the same incident. While dialogue Sarai has in episode five could suggest she was bisexual, I feel like the average straight viewer would still see her as straight due to the fact that she married Harrow. If only the Queens of Duren had died during that accident, that would be one thing; but their deaths were treated with the same honor and reverence that Sarai’s was. While I feel that the actual moment of their deaths could have still been handled better (I don’t understand why they wouldn’t flee once Thunder was incapacitated by the ice), ultimately their deaths are understandable, and what they did on that day was very important to the overall plot. I believe that if they had been a straight couple instead, the events would have turned out exactly the same way, which lessens the “Bury Your Gays” feeling to me.

But more important than the heroic nature of their deaths is the message that it sends to us about the rest of the world The Dragon Prince takes place in (or at least the remainder of the human kingdoms). As I mentioned before, no one makes a big deal about the fact that Duren had two queens. No one batted an eye at their kiss, at the fact that they were both mothers to a lovely daughter, about the fact that they were two women in love. None of the other human kingdoms took issue with the fact that Duren had lesbian rulers. None of the other humans in any of the kingdoms took issue with this fact, either. Despite the fandom making “jokes” for month about Viren being homophobic, the simple fact of canon is that he wasn’t. That the Queens of Duren were two women in love was simply a fact among all the humans in the human kingdoms, just like how Harrow and Sarai were King and Queen of Katolis was just a fact. Queer love is not viewed any differently from straight love in the world of The Dragon Prince. While it is a big deal for us that Duren had two queens, for the characters in the story it simply is. While there are certainly prejudices and societal issues in the world of The Dragon Prince as noted by so many different characters, homophobia does not seem to be one of them. People do not seem to judge each other based on the sex of one’s romantic partner there, and there is no clearer way to demonstrate that than by showing that one of the kingdoms had two queens as rulers and they are not remembered because it was “strange” or “abnormal” for them to be lesbians, but rather because they were heroes who gave their lives to make a better future for their people and their daughter. Had Aanya’s parents been a straight couple, we would not have had that message about the world of The Dragon Prince. While the actual moment of their deaths would not have changed had one of them been a man, this message was only possible if they were queer. It’s a message that, if nothing else, I’m grateful for.

As I stated above, I am a queer woman myself. The deaths of the Queens of Duren is one of two things this season that made me less than happy. But I’m hopeful for the future. I believe in Aaron Ehasz when he says that there are more queer characters to come (as well as some to return; when Aaron confirmed that Runaan was not the queer character to die, he also said, “we all know Runaan isn’t dead” --- i.e., he denied that Runaan is dead, not that Runaan is queer). I believe in the crew to consider and write their characters as people rather than tropes. I believe that they are telling this story out of love and passion for it, rather than to get accolades and brownie points and self-congratulatory pats on the back. And I feel that while it was disappointing and saddening that these two beautiful queens had to die and leave their equally as beautiful daughter in charge of their kingdom that the actual moment was handled with grace and respect, and that even if one of them had been a man, the story and the plot would have carried out the exact same way (minus what it tells us about the culture and world the story takes place in). The queens dying was not my favorite part of The Dragon Prince by a long shot, but I still have hope for the future and faith in this crew. They’ve earned my trust, and I don’t see that changing.

[capitanogiorgio]

@nicolefrann : “I don’t hate him! And I say that all the time, even if we win or lose. I just said what I think. Okay, he barely plays, but it’s about the things he do and how he do them. I just think that he isn’t ready enough. I don’t understand why you have to attack me like that. It’s just my opinion. Like, Spinazzola almost never plays but when he play he always play well, and he’s only one year younger than Rugani. People always say that he is young as an excuse and I’m done.”

Okay, maybe hate is too strong a word but saying you never liked him is not that far from the concept.

(Btw he has played 67 games in 4 years. About 16/17 a season, on average, and probably half of them were not has a starter so try and get experience from that).

It was not an attack on you, nor even an attack at all. As you said you have the right to express your opinion, I have the right to express mine and answer to your post. I am simply tired of the hate some of our players (and especially Rugani, or the defence area in general, but really especially Rugani) get when they actually are given the chance to play. Like we all have players we don’t like for no other reason that... we simply don’t like them, and it’s fine, really, you don’t have to justify why you don’t like player x or player y. However, please understand that it is the first time I have seen one of your post about not liking Rugani, in the Juventus tag, and it happens on the day of the first loss of the season, forgive me to have done the maths (too quickly apparently).

Furthermore, I’d like to point out a contradiction in your sentence. You admit that “he barely plays” but in the next sentence you think he “isn’t ready enough”. Can you see the point I’m making here ? If he barely plays, he can’t be ready so you can’t expect him to fill in Chiello’s shoes as smoothly as a dove when we are talking of our captain, a player with the 5th most appearances for the club and who is ten years older than Rugani and with an experience very few have today in Italy and today’s football to a broader extent.

You talk about Spinazzola and you’re right. Although him barely playing was more due to injury when Rugani was simply just kept on the bench (to give you an idea Rugani so far has played 13 games, all competitions and Spinazzola 5, not counting the two Primavera games. And he came back around January, again, can you see the point I’m making ?). But I’d like to point out that playing as left/right-back is not the same as playing centre-back and requires other qualities, especially in today’s football when there has been a boom of “offensive back wingers” in the last ten to fifteen years. (btw I think you meant he is one year older. Spina is from 1993 and Rugani from 1994).

Let’s come back as well on Ruga’s games. Out of all the 13 matches he has played, the team only conceded once (1) when he was paired up with Chiello. When he was paired with Bonucci, the team conceded three (or four) times. And paired with Caceres (and De Sciglio) the team conceded six times (now 8). If we were being insincere, which I presume we both are not, we could say that all these goals being conceded is Rugani’s fault and that if Chiello (and Bonucci to a lesser extent) are not here, we can’t trust our defence (which is... True on some part, we need to have better solutions than Caceres or putting De Sciglio as a centre-back when we can’t do anything else). However, we should look at another narrative : Chiellini, Bonucci and Caceres are three different players. And out of all the three, either results wise or playing wise, Rugani plays better when paired up with Chiellini. It’s just facts. Chiellini is a more grounded player and a reassuring presence on the pitch. He knows how to leave his defence and attack but knows perfectly how to come back and defence (my case in point : last Tuesday against Atletico, the Coppa Italia game against Atalanta before he got injured and many others), he covers a lot. It’s simple, when he is on the pitch, you have the impression he is the only defender on the pitch. Now, Bonucci, who has great qualities, that goes without saying, is more of an offensive defender. He goes up way more than Chiello, hence the long passes but by doing so, he covers less area and a few goals this season are on him (for example, against Sampdoria). As for Caceres, we can all agree he is here because we needed another defender who would have nothing to say about not playing a lot, so hardly an ideal partner, wouldn’t you agree ?

See here ? The situations for Rugani are all very different depending on who he is paired with. Bonucci and Caceres are not a good fit for him because he has to do twice as much work, a work he is not always accustomed to since, again, he doesn’t play a lot. It’s like you’re doing an apprenticeship and one situation you have your mentor helping you and showing you how to procede and then letting you do it, and the other, when your mentor briefly explains you stuff and then leaves you on your own devices trying to figure out how to proceede. It is very different to perform with someone who will cover for you if you ever need it than performing when you know you will probably have to face situations when you’ll be left alone to act. Not to mention that while mistakes are frustrating and (sometimes) costly, they are also (I hope) educational.

You say people always say he’s young as an excuse and you’re done. Well, but the truth is... He is ????? Like, obviously when put next to Kean who just turned 19 or even Nicolussi who has been in the group for the past three games, he isn’t. But for a footballer, and especially a defender he is still young. He will soon enter another category, sure, but when you see the longevity of defenders (especially in Italy), 24 is still young. All players have different progression rate, some are really quick to learn and establish themselves has (very) good at a young age (like Maldini or more recently Di Ligt), others bloom later (for example : while Barzagli was already a good defender in his Palermo and Wolfsburg days, you can’t deny that he reached another dimension when he arrived at Juve. And he was 30 (THIRTY) years old). Or even Bonucci, which I think would be even a better example. He arrived at Juventus when he was 23, so not so far from Rugani’s age now. It’s difficult to imagine when you see him nowadays and especially when he gives you performances like the one against Manchester United at Old Trafford, but many have forgotten that his time at Juve hasn’t been all calm river from the beginning. Bonucci made tons of mistakes in his first seasons, he hasn’t always been reliable. He only got better how ? By playing, over time, by learning from his mistakes.

Maybe Rugani won’t get as good as Bonucci, or better, as good as Chiellini, maybe he will, who knows ? Certainly not me ! But he certainly won’t have the chance to if he doesn’t play and if he’s constantly getting hate sorry, negative comments whenever he plays when, for example this afternoon Caceres was also abysmal, Bonucci, easily tricked. I’m sorry but putting the responsability of the defeat, or at least goals, solely on Rugani’s shoulders (which your post implies) is a bit rich when the whole defence (which again, has not played a lot 1) all three together 2) In a three man defence system this season) is actually at fault (and the whole team. Nobody really shone today, they were all tired from Tuesday’s games, there was a lot of turnover and the tactic was experimental so I’m not even trying to scapegoat anyone, just recognising today’s level was just bad).

In your first post, you said Juve need great players. And yes, I do agree. However we also must aknowledge that we do have youth teams and that getting into the first team has always been difficult for young players (the last one who came from the Youth teams and actually managed to impose himself as a team/starting 11 regular was Claudio Marchisio. Let that sink in). What is the kind of message you send to our kids when you barely give them a chance and don’t allow them to make mistakes and grow and learn ? When you prefer buying other players instead of giving them the proper tending to they need ? You can’t expect players to be great and at the team’s level right away. Our Primavera not being especially great these last years is another problem altogether, of course, but I do believe that this is linked. If you don’t give young players a chance, you don’t invest on them. If you don’t invest on them and no the youth sector, you can’t expect them to perform right away, and so on and so on, it’s just a vicious circle at this point and I wish the club would invest more in the formation of our young players.

tl/dr : It was not an attack. Yes Rugani has to learn and progress but please look at the bigger picture before scapegoating him

[duhragonball]

JJBA Vento Aureo Reread Ch. 553-567

Previously, Bruno’s team was headed for Rome to meet with a mysterious ally who claimed he could do some trick with a Stand Arrow to make one of them strong enough to defeat the Boss.   But when they got off their boat, they found the whole area was ravaged by a plague of flesh-eating mold. 

To the surprise of no one, this is yet another enemy Stand.  The Boss is getting desperate, because he’s running out of guys to send after Bruno’s group, and he doesn’t know just what it is they’re looking for in Rome.  So he’s brought out two of his absolute worst henchmen ever, Cioccolata and Secco.   Cioccolata used to be a doctor who vivisected his patients for funsies, and his Stand, Green Day spreads a deadly mold contagion.   It’s not all that different from the death virus of Fugo’s Purple Haze, actually.   The main difference is that this mold takes longer to kill you, but it can spread across a much wider range.   The rule to it is that if you move below whatever level you started at, the mold begins to multiply and kill you.  By the time Bruno’s team figures this out, Narancia and Trish are wounded, and have to sit out the rest of this Stand Battle in the turtle.

Before they drop out of the story completely, Narancia seems to imply that Trish is sweet on Bruno, so I guess this is as good a time as any to discuss Trish ships.  To be sure, there’s a significant age gap between Trish an some of these guys, but I’m just dealing in hypotheticals here.

Starting out, Trish seemed to have more chemistry with Fugo than anyone else.   She spoke to him first, asking him to take off his shirt, and then later he fell into her cleavage on the way to the Naples train station.   Then he pretty much stopped doing anything and left the story entirely. 

Abbacchio and Trish barely interacted at all, although he seemed impressed with her willingness to help them take down the Boss, and I think he dug her Stand one she manifested it.  She was tore up over his death, but so was everybody.

Bruno... well, Narancia spells it out, although it’s anyone’s guess if he’s actually onto something.   I suppose we could read this to mean that he’s kind of jealous, but again, anyone’s guess.  

I’m flashing forward a little, but Mista was the last person Trish interacted with before the end of Part 5, and they swapped bodies, so that seems like it might lead to something, but maybe not.    By the end of Part 5, Trish and Mista are celebrating together mostly by default.   There aren’t a whole lot of other characters left standing. 

Giorno seems like an obvious pick since he’s the main character, and they do have a lot of things in common.   They’re the same age, they both have supervillain fathers who abandoned their mothers, and they’re both kind of hard to read.   I suppose there’s two ways to read their relationship in Part 5.   You can either take their eventual romance as a given, which is why it never sees much explict development, or you can assume that Araki is purposely inverting the trope.  The hero not only doesn’t get the girl, he doesn’t even appear to be trying to get the girl. 

I think that ambiguity is intentional, unless Araki honestly couldn’t decide what he wanted to do with Trish.   There’s romantic potential in her interactions with most of the other main characters, but it’s indefinite enough to make you wonder.  I should probably revisit this topic when I get to the end.  

Cioccolata’s partner is Secco, one of his former patients who apparently became his disciple in madness.   Secco’s Stand, Oasis, allows him to move through the ground as if it were liquid, and he can also liquefy the ground to make things sink into it.   In other words, he compliments Cioccolata’s mold perfectly, since their opponents can’t attack Secco without sinking to his level and succumbing to the mold.   I’m not sure how Secco himself avoids infection, unless Cioccolata’s Stand can grant immunity to certain people. 

Fortunately for the team, Bruno proves to be impervious to the mold, so he can beat Secco down long enough for them to get in a car and head for Rome.  On the way, Giorno finally confronts Bruno about why he’s been so strange ever since he fought the Boss in Venice.  The answer’s pretty simple: Bruno died in Venice, and he’s been dead ever since.  

If I understand this right, Giorno used Gold Experience to put Bruno back together after the Boss killed him, but all he did was reanimate Bruno’s body.   The story indicates that Bruno’s soul is still inhabiting his corpse, so it’s really Bruno, and not some new life force created by Gold Experience.   

What I don’t get is why Bruno’s body still works despite having no pulse.   Gold Experience turns inanimate objects into living things, so if Giorno did unwittingly reanimate a corpse, shouldn’t it be a perfect replica of a live person?

The more important point to this moment is that Bruno’s only sticking out the rest of this mission by sheer force of will.   He’ll succumb to true death sooner or later, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.  Now that Giorno knows this, he’s taking one step closer to actually leading the team, and not just the subtle soft leadership he’s been demonstrating until now.  

On the flipside, the Boss has essentially rejected any pretense of leadership when he brought Cioccolata and Secco into this matter.   By his own admission, he finds them reprehensible, because they kill for sheer pleasure, rather than to achieve any practical goal.  But the Boss kept them around anyway just in case he needed their brand of mayhem, and now’s the time.   Since he doesn’t know why Giorno and Bruno are going to Rome he’s basically given Cioccolata free reign to destroy the entire city with his mold plague. 

This is important, because, as Bruno points out, the Boss has Passione members and business interests in Rome.   Setting aside the huge civilian death toll, this course of action will hurt the Boss as well.   It might even cripple Passione as an organization for all we know.   Think about it: this whole conflict has removed a lot of Stand Users from the gang, either by death or betrayal.  The Execution Team is dead, Polpo’s dead, Carne, Squalo, and Tiziano are all dead.   Any Passione operatives in Rome are likely to die as well.   Presumably, the Boss would have to kill Cioccolata and Secco to end their rampage.    All to protect the Boss’s identity.   Yeah, he might be able to rebuild from all this, but what’s the point?

Symbolically, this is the moment when Giorno dethrones the Boss, not because he’s beaten the Boss, or because his dream has prevailed, but because he’s the only one alive who can take charge of this chaos and set things right.  

But he won’t do it alone...

Cioccolata’s big counterattack involves using a helicopter to spread his mold, but Giorno combines his powers with Mista’s to turn bullets into trees, which grow into a building and catch the chopper.   Meanwhile, Bruno takes on Secco by himself, since he’s the only one who can fight him without worrying about the mold.    Mista figures he’s got Cioccolata dead to rights, since all he has to do is fire into the helicopter and let Sex Pistols kick the bullets around until they hit him.    But when he tries this, the Sex Pistols get ambushed somehow.  With Mista taken down, Giorno has to board the helicopter to figure this out for himself.

Turns out Cioccolata can disassemble his own boddy and use his Stand to keep the pieces alive.  Also, Green Day can make the pieces move independently of each other and... yeah, this is pretty fucked up right here.  The advantage to all of this is that Cioccolata could hide in places a whole human being couldn’t, allowing him to set this trap.  Fortunately for Giorno, one of Mista’s Sex Pistols still works, and it kicks a bullet through his hand, which Gold Experience turns into a branch, which he uses to keep from falling from the helicopter, only Cioccolata uses his mold to kill the branch, but aha, that just turns it back into a bullet, which Giorno kicks into the chopper blades, causing it to richochet perfectly into Cioccolata’s head, cancelling his Stand.   Or something.

Giorno thinks Cioccolata is just playing possum though, I guess because he survived taking himself apart a few minutes ago.  After all, if Cioccolata can just jump out of the chopper, he can turn his Stand back on and start using his mold again.  

Sure enough, Cioccolata was laying another trap, except Giorno had already set one of his own, as he turned that bullet he had already turned into a branch into a beetle egg.

Giorno was just talking to him to buy time for the beetle to tear through Cioccolata’s head.    How is David Productons going too animate any of this?   Will they just cover Cioccolata’s entire body with a black blot, like they did whenever Jotaro was smoking?   Anyway, Giorno punches Cioccolata for like seven pages and then tosses him into a nearby garbage truck. 

Meanwhile, Bruno’s been fighting Secco, but unfortunately, Cioccolata called Secco right before he died and told him that he overheard one of the Sex Pistols blabbing about the Coliseum.   So now Bruno not only has to beat Secco, but he has to stop him from going to the Coliseum and killing his contact. 

Perhaps appropriately, this is when we find out that Bruno’s contact is Jean Pierre Polnareff from Part 3, and he’s clearly in no condition to defend himself against someone like Secco, so it really is up to Bruno to save him.  So Bruno bursts a tire right in Secco’s face, bursting his eardrums.   At first, Secco doesn’t see this as a problem, but when he tries to find Bruno...

“Tee-hee!    Did someone call for an ambulence?  :3c ”

Oasis is pretty friggin’ unbeatable, but it’s only any good if Secco can navigate while he’s swimming through the ground, and he can only do that by echolocation.   With his hearing damaged, he can’t find his way, and that leaves him exposed above ground. 

Desperate, Secco grabs a hostage, who ironically turns out to be Doppio, the Boss’s other personality.   Bruno defeats Secco easily, though, and I guess he ends up in the same garbage truck as Cioccolata.   This leaves Bruno and Doppio alone together.

Only Bruno has no idea who he’s talking to, and he tells Doppio exactly where he’s going.  Whoops.

[yallreddieforthis]

I’ll Stop By Your Room

Fandom: It (2017)

Pairing: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier

Rating: T (for language, talking about sex, mentions of past sexual situations)

Words: 7.1k

Movie canon-compliant but not book. Aged-up (16-17) Also posted on AO3

The Greater Fool Series: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 4.5 (NSFW) | Part 5

“Oh God,” Eddie says, rolling his eyes and whacking his head on the seat in front of him because he can’t believe he was so stupid as to think that maybe once in his entire life he could just have a goddamn normal, boring-ass field trip where nothing humiliating or life-changing happens because he just had to go and develop feelings for Richie, who never lets anything be boring or normal. Not even Eddie.

As he steps onto the bus to head back to Derry High, Eddie is prepared for the first time in his entire school career, to declare this field trip A Success.

He’s made it almost halfway through tenth grade without ever having gone on a field trip where no disastrous shit went down—either for the class in general, or just specifically Eddie-related shit. There was one in sixth grade where the bus driver got lost and they didn’t get home until after five, and Eddie’s mom had already gotten the police involved by the time the bus pulled into the parking lot of Derry Elementary. Or the eighth grade one to the botanical gardens where Eddie got stung by a bee. Or when they went to the zoo in second grade and some asshole monkey managed to fling his shit far enough out of his enclosure that it splattered Bill right in the chest and like, okay, maybe that was more of a tragedy for Bill than it was for Eddie but Eddie was standing right next to him when it happened. It was scarring for everyone, okay?

Well, maybe not for Richie, who laughed so hard he almost peed his pants and still brings it up anytime anyone mentions monkeys, even in passing. Like someone will say this is so easy, a monkey could do it, and Richie will invariably butt in with haha, hey Bill, remember the time…

In fact, Eddie thinks that a large part of what has made this art museum field trip such an unmitigated success is that he has managed to stay as far away from Richie as possible. Not the actual art part; that was boring as fuck. Bill and Ben were the only ones who got anything at all out of that shit—Ben was all, did you know that this painting was commissioned for Colonel Assface during the War of Whateverthefuck in the year Long Enough Ago That No One Cares Anymore, and Bill was quiet the whole time but his eyes were all lit up and Eddie could practically hear him thinking about color and brushstrokes and shit. Which is fair, because Bill’s art is starting to get really good. He drew Richie during chem last week and Eddie liked the sketch so much he managed to muster up the courage to ask Bill if he could keep it. He’s positive that if he’d bothered to pay any attention at all in the gallery of Frou Frou di Fifi or whoever, he’d be able to see influences from the trip in Bill’s sketchbook.

But he didn’t. He spent the whole time glued to Stan, because Stan is terrified of paintings (which is understandable, Eddie thinks), and Eddie felt bad that he was forced to come on this field trip. Usually, Bill would be the one to partner up with Stan and like, be supportive or whatever, but Eddie and Stan both knew that the lure of a real art museum was going to be too tempting for him, and Stan’s best bet for company would wind up being Eddie. Stan was miserable the whole time anyway, and Eddie doesn’t blame him. It’d be like if Eddie had to go spend the day in a lab staring at Petri dishes full of diseases and then write a two-page essay about how much he loved it. Like, fuck that shit. He suppresses a shudder at the thought.

So he stuck with Stan, inching along the far wall away from the artwork, and avoided Richie, who mostly told jokes over Ben’s A History Of Everything In the Art Museum lecture and spoke at Bill, who uh-huhed him in the middle of sentences so many times that Eddie thinks even Richie might’ve eventually caught on that he wasn’t listening. Avoiding Richie, especially for Eddie, is usually very difficult for a multitude of reasons, the chief of which being that Eddie is in what essentially amounts to a relationship with Richie. Today, it was surprisingly and suspiciously easy.

It’s not that Eddie doesn’t want to be around Richie—he does, actually always, to an alarming and almost disgusting degree—it’s just that Richie is super inappropriate and keeps Eddie in a constant state of worry about what he’s going to do next. Sometimes, for example, he acts like he’s going to start macking on Eddie in public which...they haven’t really discussed it out loud before, but Eddie thinks they have a mutual understanding about not doing shit like that because Richie has never followed through on it. He’s not exactly embarrassed about the...relationship or whatever, at least not very—Eddie figures he has no more reason to be embarrassed of Richie than Richie does to be embarrassed of him—but he knows and he prays to God that Richie understands that obvious PDA would be just as bad as painting a target on his forehead. A big rainbow target.

Eddie files into a window seat on the bus so that he won’t get carsick and hopes Stan will fill in next to him so he doesn’t end up having to sit with someone mean.

Eddie gets picked on enough already, for plenty of reasons. People had been calling him gay for years before he realized he actually is, in fact, gay. Like, the gay was totally always there, tapping him on the shoulder occasionally like hey, uh, It’s Raining Men is a pretty great song, you should listen to it on a loop for six months... and Eddie was just ignoring it until the whole Richie situation sort of forced him to turn around and look it in the eye. And once he did it was like my guy, listen. Dudes. Dicks. Richie. Rodgers and Hammerstein. Eddie sometimes wonders if other people were actually able see it before he could. Were they just calling him gay because people do that, or because they knew? Like maybe he’s been walking around leaving a trail of glitter behind him without realizing it?

There’s no way of knowing for sure without asking someone, and since Eddie hasn’t technically ever said the word gay out loud yet… Presumably, Richie is aware that he is—even if that understanding is based on nothing but the fact that their lips are touching more often than not when they’re alone together—but Eddie hasn’t managed to work up the balls to even talk to him about the implications of being gay. Let alone the implications of being gay in Derry. Jesus, Eddie doesn’t even want to have that discussion mentally with himself, much less verbally with another person.

As soon as he spots Eddie, Richie weasels his way past Stan to cram in next to him. Stan rolls his eyes and gets pulled along into another row. Well, fuck.

Luckily, the museum is about a half hour drive from school, so Richie only has thirty minutes left to work his magic on upholding the streak of shitty field trips. The bus driver turns on the engine and Eddie realizes that he’s picked one of the wheel seats, which will ensure that his legs are numb from the wheel vibrations by the time they reach school. Awesome. Richie drops his backpack in between himself and Eddie, which is only notable because he uses its cover to grab Eddie’s hand where no one can see it. At the very, very least, Richie still remembers that subtlety is the name of the game here.

Not that Eddie really thinks the other Losers will care. That time in the sewers...everything they’ve been through together...Eddie doubts there’s anything he could be or do that would make them hate him. He could kill someone and they’d all just be like yeah I bet he deserved it and you need any help burying the body? He’s aware that he has the best friends on the face of the earth and that once he gets around to telling everyone about him and about them he’s probably going to feel a lot better. Hell, they might even already have guessed. He doesn’t know why he’s putting it off. He keeps telling himself next sleepover, next weekend, tomorrow at lunch and then backing out. It just feels so...daunting. Like—

“So, what do you think about blowjobs?” Richie asks Eddie, in a completely normal tone of voice. Which is to say loud. Richie’s normal tone of voice is very loud.

Jesus Christ.

“You wanna say that a little louder?” Eddie hisses at him.

“SO, WHAT DO YOU THI—”

Eddie clamps his hand over Richie’s mouth and gives him his most murderous glare. Richie just shakes his head and stares at Eddie with his best puppy eyes. Yeah, those eyes that Eddie used to be able to match with a dead-eyed stare and now they just make him feel all melty and gooey and shit because Richie really does have the longest, darkest, most beautiful eyelashes and his eyes are soft and—

Richie uses the momentary hesitation to lick Eddie’s palm. Eddie automatically draws his hand back in disgust.

“BLOWJOBS,” Richie shouts the second his voice is no longer muffled in Eddie’s hand. Eddie elbows him as hard as he can in the ribs and almost remembers to stop holding hands with him under the backpack. Almost.

No one even turns around. From the front of the bus, Mrs. Eisner calls back a vague “that’s enough, Richard,” but that’s the only response he gets.

“See?” Richie says, turning back to Eddie. Eddie wipes his wet hand viciously on the front of Richie’s shirt. “No one’s listening. Say whatever the fuck you want. I like you like you. You’re hot. I wanna suck your dick. See?”

“Oh God,” Eddie says, rolling his eyes and whacking his head on the seat in front of him because he can’t believe he was so stupid as to think that maybe once in his entire life he could just have a goddamn normal, boring-ass field trip where nothing humiliating or life-changing happens because he just had to go and develop feelings for Richie, who never lets anything be boring or normal. Not even Eddie.

He spares a single thought for Richie saying you’re hot. Did...did he mean that? Was he just saying that shit because he was trying to demonstrate that no one was listening? Like, does Richie really think Eddie is hot?

“So, what do you think about blowjobs?” Richie asks again, in exactly the same tone of voice he used the first time, which makes Eddie feel like if he’d just given a real answer way back five minutes ago, in a simpler time before he knew Richie thought school buses were an appropriate setting for sex conversations, then it would’ve been easier.

Also, Richie doesn’t seem likely to drop this topic anytime soon, and when he gets like this Eddie has found that the best course of action is to just grit his teeth and plow through the conversation until Richie is satisfied with his answer, after which they are typically able to move on with their lives. The last time this happened was a Power Rangers versus Ninja Turtles debate that lasted for forty five minutes. Hopefully they can breeze through this one before they get back to school, because Eddie doesn’t relish the idea of Richie passing him terribly drawn notes with diagrams of dicks and tongues during math.

So that’s what makes him decide to take a second and actually consider the question. Blowjobs and sucking dick are things Richie talks about regularly—not with any real seriousness, of course—but Eddie’s never given the idea too much thought because honestly? Gross.

He’s gotten almost all the way past the ickiness of kissing on the mouth and like, in the face-area—mostly by just refusing to think about germ transfer rates and mononucleosis—because Richie has made that worth his while. It took a couple months for him to really get the hang of it, but now they’ve got that shit down; Richie knows how to kiss Eddie’s neck to make him go jelly-legged, and Eddie can get Richie all red-faced and panting just by sucking on his ears the right way, and once they get going, kissing on the mouth is the furthest thing from icky. Eddie sometimes feels like there are moments where he will internally combust if he can’t kiss Richie.

So it’s not that Eddie doesn’t think a blowjob would feel good. The opposite, actually. Just...it feels like asking for some kind of nasty disease.

“Nuh-uh,” Eddie says, shaking his head and staring out the window as they pull onto the main road leading to the highway, “I don’t think I can like...do that. Dick in the mouth. Nuh-uh. Nope.”

“No I mean me give you one,” Richie presses. “I’m not afraid of your germs.”

Eddie bristles a little at that because it implies that Eddie is afraid of Richie’s germs which...okay, maybe he kind of is, but Richie didn’t have to say it. He knows that’s not really what Richie meant though—it’s not a jab at Eddie—he’s actually trying to be reassuring. Trust Richie to accidentally backhanded compliment his way into sex. What a fucking catch. And now he’s looking at Eddie with this earnest smugness, like he knows he’s going to convince him to let him do it and he’s stoked. But why does he even want to? Like, what’s in it for him?

Does he really think Eddie is that hot?

“Did you mean it?” Eddie asks, before he can stop himself.

“Totally,” Richie says, giving Eddie’s hand a squeeze under the backpack. “I’d take a faceful of your jizz over splashing around in graywater any day.”

Ew, what the fuck?!

“No,” says Eddie. “What is wrong with you? I don’t mean—I meant when you said I was…” Eddie drops his voice to a whisper, “... hot. Do you really think I’m hot?”

“Of course I do, dumbass,” Richie says. “Don’t you think I am?”

Eddie’s first instinct is to say no, dipshit, because “hot” is a word reserved for like...like Ethan Hawke or River Phoenix. Not people like Richie, who has been at peak teenage awkwardness for what feels like a decade at this point and looks to be in real danger of staying that way forever. He has terrible taste in clothes and the glasses and the crazy hair and as a package he’s just...so overwhelming, and that’s not hot. Not even a little. It’s—

“I’m just messing with you,” Richie says cheerfully, knocking his knifepoint-sharp elbow into Eddie’s arm. “Everyone knows you’re the beauty and I’m the brains.”

“God, I hope not. We’re really fucked if you’re the brains,” Eddie says before he can stop himself.

Richie snorts and squeezes Eddie’s hand in such a way that it makes a fart noise and Eddie yanks it out from under the backpack. He folds his arms across his chest and Richie spends the rest of the journey home trying to coax him back into holding hands. By the time they get back to school, Eddie is red with both embarrassment and suppressed laughter, and he thinks about how this kind of thing happens so often that he’ll probably never blush again without thinking of Richie.

As is customary on school nights, Eddie goes straight home after his last class. He’s not allowed to have friends over or go to the arcade unless it’s a weekend, which he used to think was because his mom wanted him to have plenty of time for his homework but now feels more like one of her arbitrary, controlling restrictions because she doesn’t seem to actually care all that much about his grades. It feels like it’s more about just...having him home while she watches The Young and The Restless by herself in the living room. Why exactly Eddie’s presence in the house improves this activity, he doesn’t entirely understand.

Richie took to sneaking in during the night years ago, which always makes being alone for the afternoon slightly more bearable. He’ll get on his bike after last period and turn to Eddie and say I’ll stop by your room after I’m done doing your mom, which is actually a polite offer for company in disguise. Eddie will either say if you really have to or I’ll make sure to put the lock on the door then and Richie has never not respected the answer.

Today he said it and Eddie told him to get lost because they’ve got an essay due tomorrow on the impact of our trip to the art museum and Eddie had had a feeling that writing it was going to require some premium-grade bullshitting. He’d been right, too; he didn’t get done with it until ten. But it’s not like that’s really what ate up his entire evening, because then he’d debated internally with himself for half an hour before caving and rewatching Footloose. By the time he’d brushed his teeth, put on pajamas (his warmest ones—reindeer-printed and made of fleece—because it’s chilly and it’s not like anyone is going to see them anyway), and gotten into bed, it was after midnight. So now he’s still wide awake and feeling kind of like he wishes he’d invited Richie over after all, despite the fact that he really should already be asleep.

It used to be that whenever Eddie said yes, Richie would come straight over after the sun went down. Eddie could always tell if they’d all gone swimming without him because Richie’s hair would be damp and he’d smell like quarry water and the grass at the top of the cliff, and he’d flop onto Eddie’s bed and get those smells all over his sheets. Those nights, Eddie would always go to sleep wondering if Richie was just wearing wet briefs under his shorts or going commando. He was never sure which idea he liked less.

Since this summer though, I’ll stop by your room after I’m done doing your mom has taken on a connotation that sets off a shivery, churning feeling in Eddie’s gut. Sometimes Richie will lean over and whisper it in his ear—sometimes he leaves off the last part too. I’ll stop by your room, he breathes out, warm air hitting Eddie’s neck, and Eddie bites his lips and goes all hot because it means that that night, sometime around eleven or midnight or so, he’ll hear a dun dun dun dadadundun tapping at his window. Eddie is still not sure if that’s a reference to Under Pressure or Ice Ice Baby and he honestly thinks he doesn’t want to know.

He’ll wedge a towel under his bedroom door to soundproof it as much as he can. Then he’ll lift the latch on the window and open it as far as it will go. Richie just barely fits now. A couple of years ago it was nothing for him to hop through, now he has to fold his long legs every which way and his skinny arms flail around and his big feet get caught on the other side of the sill and sometimes he whacks his giant head on the wall as he tumbles through. It’s never a quiet process, unfortunately; there’s always some swearing involved, and Eddie lives in fear of the day Richie looks at him from the other side of the wall, moonlight shining off his glasses, and says “well, fuckity fuck, I’m stuck.”

That’s a problem for Future Eddie to deal with though, because once Richie’s in, well. Once he’s in the room, those skinny arms are immediately wrapped around Eddie’s waist and the long legs bump into Eddie’s as Richie backs them toward the bed. And then they get there and...god.

Eddie turns over onto his side and fiddles with the sleeve of his pajama top, thinking about how if Richie were here, the shirt would be gone before the backs of his knees even hit the mattress. Richie is always the first to start taking clothes off—he does it like he’s starving for him—like touching Eddie is what he lives for and he can’t hold off another second. It’s...feeling like that, like someone wants him so bad...it’s kind of wonderful and powerful and scary.

Every time they do it ends basically the same—they take everything off and then they touch each other until they can’t anymore and their fingers are gooey and sticky and then Eddie has to shove Richie out of bed or he’ll fall asleep right there—naked and on top of Eddie for Eddie’s mom to find them the next morning. It hasn’t happened yet, thank God, but it’s a closer call every time because it’s getting harder and harder to kick Richie out after.

In fact, Eddie has taken to spending a worrying amount of time just sort of lying there and stroking Richie’s naked back or smoothing his hair over his head. After is always kind of awkward for Eddie, because he can’t think of anything to say that isn’t incredibly embarrassing, and silence feels weird too. So far he’s managed a that was good twice, which he was super proud of both times even though he also wanted to roll over and hide as soon as the words left his mouth.

Richie does not appear to suffer from the same affliction, because he always starts talking again pretty much as soon as he catches his breath, and Eddie is usually too tired to complain about whatever stupid shit he says. Richie’s pillow talk typically includes such topics as: an enthusiastic play-by-play of what they just did (during which Eddie always just mumbles please stop every few seconds), complete with commentary, which is as complimentary as it is mortifying; a detailed tactical gamplan of what they should do in the event of a zombie outbreak; who Richie would cast if they made a movie about the X-Men and for some reason wanted his opinion; and a ranking of his favorite types of candy based on the logistics of building an edible house. As long as he keeps blabbering, Eddie can privately enjoy that sick-happy feeling in his chest and put off kicking him out. If he’s being honest, Eddie just wants to hold him super tight and close and stay there until he can watch the sunrise illuminate the faded freckles on Richie’s nose.

Eddie snuggles deep down in the covers and thinks about his favorite parts—between when Richie squeezes into and out of his window—and lets himself relish in the fluttery, fidgety excitement that comes with the memory of Richie, shirtless and pale and glowing faintly red in the light from the numbers on Eddie’s alarm clock. The way his mouth looks after they’ve been kissing, soft and full and open, how his wild hair splays across Eddie’s neck when he bends down to breathe warm air onto Eddie’s nipples. His hands unzipping Eddie’s pants, rubbing him over the front of his underwear like he can’t even wait the two seconds it’ll take to pull them off. The way his back looks as he arches into Eddie’s fingers, the way his head falls forward when he gasps and the way he moans like Eddie’s mom isn’t literally two rooms over oh my god, Richie, shhh. The way he exhales sometimes, like he’s so turned on he doesn’t know how else to express it but with those shuddery breaths that almost sound like the ghost of laughter. Eddie’s whole body goes warm at the memory because it’s the hottest thing he—

And then it’s like Eddie’s brain douses him in ice water because it is. It’s hot. It’s hot as fuck and Eddie remembers that Richie asked him on the bus a few hours ago if he thought Richie was hot and he did not give him an unequivocal yes. And that’s obviously bullshit because Eddie was totally getting ready to start jerking off just now thinking about how fucking hot Richie is when he’s naked and they’re in bed together. Eddie had somehow been under the impression that hot is this kind of ethereal concept that only applies to celebrities or strangers, when hot has literally been sucking face with him for months. He is officially the biggest dumbass ever. Eddie wonders if there’s any other obvious shit staring him down that he hasn’t picked up on yet.

And suddenly Eddie cannot stand the idea that Richie might be sitting at home thinking Eddie doesn’t find him hot. It’s Thursday...well, technically it’s Friday but it still counts as Thursday night and there’s no way Richie isn’t planning on coming over for some sweet handjob action tomorrow night, but this can’t wait until tomorrow. And he can’t call, his mom will want to know why he’s using the phone at this hour and it’s possible that someone other than Richie might answer and then Eddie will have to come up with some reason besides I’m sorry to bother you at this hour Mrs. Tozier, but it’s an absolute emergency because I have to tell Richie right now that he’s hot and thinking about him naked gives me a boner.

Yeah, not likely. This situation calls for desperate measures, like an entirely unprecedented course of action. Eddie puts on his sneakers, throws on a sweater, and walks to his window.

If Richie can still get in, it’ll be nothing for Eddie to get out. He’ll just close the window most of the way from the outside, but not so much that he won’t be able to get back in. His mom might come in (unlikely, Eddie can hear her snoring) and find him gone and completely blow a gasket, but that’s a big might and the fact that he needs to see Richie right the fuck now is a definitely, so. Down he hops, quiet as can be.

It’s early December and fucking cold. Cold as fuck. Eddie hops back and forth from one foot to the other while he untangles his bike from where the garden hose fell on it and tries not to think too hard about how the frigid wind in his face is going to feel when he gets going.

The less that can be said about the seven minute bike ride to Richie’s house, the better. The word frostbite comes to mind more than once, as well as death by exposure. Eddie thinks it’ll be unfortunate but understandable if his dick decides never to make an appearance again; he’s pretty sure it has retreated up into his body for good. He can’t feel his hands but manages to peel his fingers off the handlebars nonetheless, leaning his bike up against the side of Richie’s house without bothering to hide it because, according to Richie, Richie’s parents are heavy sleepers. Eddie wouldn’t normally just take Richie at his word on something like that, but he figures they would’ve had to have caught their own son sneaking out at least once out of the hundreds of times he’s done it if it wasn’t true. Eddie walks around the back and looks through the curtains of Richie’s room.

Richie, wearing the same pajama bottoms and old tee shirt he usually shows up at Eddie’s in, is so deeply involved in Sonic that Eddie wonders if he won’t hear him rapping on the window, but he does it anyway. Dun dun dun dadadundun.

It’s Under Pressure, Eddie whispers to no one in particular. Richie doesn’t hear that or the knocking.

Dun dun dun dadadundun. Eddie knocks again, a little louder.

This time, Richie turns around. He does one better, actually: he does a double take and his jaw drops wide open, hair flopping into his face. He looks utterly stupid by any account and yet the first thought that pops into Eddie’s head is beautiful.

Richie drops the controller onto the floor to live amongst the general covering of junk that populates his bedroom before loping over to the window and opening it.

“Jesus Christ,” he says, staring out at Eddie like he can’t believe he’s here, which is kind of annoying because like...Eddie has a bike too. Just because it’s always Richie who appears at Eddie’s house in the middle of the night doesn’t mean Eddie isn’t capable of reciprocating every once in awhile. It’s just that it’s obviously nicer to get it on in Eddie’s room than in the garbage heap Richie inhabits.

Richie reaches out a hand to help Eddie clamber inside. He must have the heat cranked up full blast because Eddie starts regaining feeling in his extremities right away when Richie shuts the window.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I just needed to—” Eddie starts, then clamps his mouth shut.

In that moment he realizes that he’s just shown up at Richie’s house at one in the morning on a school night without warning, wearing fleece reindeer pajamas, sneakers without socks and a sweater, and he has literally no idea what he wants to say other than I just needed to tell you you were hot. Right now, apparently.

“Are you breaking up with me?” Richie demands, in what might sound like a normal tone of voice to an outsider, but Eddie instinctively recognizes it as being seconds away from abject panic.

Eddie looks up into his eyes and god damn, how has he never managed to see how insecure Richie really is? Of all the millions of things Eddie could be here for… He could’ve had a fight with his mom. Winston from the Sweet Valley High books that Eddie definitely doesn’t read could’ve been killed off. Eddie could just be horny. He could have a homework question—well, probably not that one because going to Richie for homework help would be worse than just not turning in the assignment and taking a zero—but a breakup? Like, that’s what he jumps to? A breakup? Really?

“God, no,” Eddie says, and then the next words come out of his mouth with absolutely no leave to do so from his brain. “Why the fuck would I do that? I love you.”

Richie sits down hard on his bed and just...stares. And Eddie a little bit wants to freak out because I love you sounds like a really big deal but like...is it? Is saying it that big of a deal? Feeling it is, maybe, but if Eddie’s being honest with himself, he’s been feeling it for like forever. He might not have always been willing to admit that, but if you take a dump in a toilet and call it a flower, it’s still shit. Saying it doesn’t change that.

“Actually I just wanted to tell you you’re hot,” he continues, fidgeting with the zipper on his sweater and still standing awkwardly by the window. That part comes out easier, probably because he just dropped a live one with I love you and nothing else he has to say could possibly be as enormous as that. “Cause on the bus, like I didn’t. But you totally are. Hot. You’re...hot. Like super hot, like…” Eddie gestures vaguely up and down with one hand, “all of you. Your hair and your back and shit—I mean, your...yeah. So I just wanted to tell you. Bye.”

And because every single word after you’re hot has increased his discomfort exponentially, Eddie feels like this is as good a time as any to make his exit. Actually, about fifteen seconds ago might’ve been better, but it’s certainly only going to get worse if he just stands there doing nothing, so he turns toward the window and prepares to bail. This apparently snaps Richie out of it because he gets up, still staring.

“Where the fuck are you going?” Richie asks.

“‘Why the fuck am I here, where the fuck am I going,’” Eddie repeats, one leg already out the window. It is so fucking cold outside and like, this whole thing was such a bad idea, Eddie wishes he could go back in time fifteen minutes just to smack himself in the face and tell himself to stay in bed. “Where the fuck do you think I’m going? I’m going home. It’s a school night.”

“Uh, no way,” Richie says, striding toward him. He wraps a hand around Eddie’s wrist. “You don’t get to say something like that and then just like fuck off. Nah, come back in here and let me blow you.”

Let him what now?! It takes a second for Eddie to make the connection—like why Richie is bringing that up—but then his mind presses rewind on the part from the bus when Richie said Eddie was hot and...right. The conversation was originally about blowjobs. Why do they always seem to have these important discussions about feelings in conjunction with sex stuff? At this rate, Eddie’s never going to have a cute story about their relationship that’s fit for mixed company. Like he’s gonna tell the others at a sleepover, so then I said “I love you, Richie,” and he was like, “that’s sick dude, lemme suck your dick.”

He’s about to say no because ew, but...it’s Richie. And Richie is looking at him with his big brown eyes and Eddie knows that Richie would be a hundred percent cool with it if Eddie truly didn’t want to, and if Eddie says not gonna happen, Richie will probably never bring it up again. But he can also hear the excitement in Richie’s voice, and it seems...crazy, like it’s crazy that Richie really wants to blow him that much.

“I didn’t say that shit because I wanted a blowjob,” Eddie tells him.

“I know,” Richie says.

“I don’t think I can really stay,” Eddie says, although he also pulls his leg back in the room and allows Richie to shut the window again. “It’s a school night.”

“Fuck yeah, it’s a school night,” says Richie, in what he clearly thinks is a California Surfer Dude voice, but it’s new to his repertoire and still sounds more like he’s having a mild stroke than anything else. He grins and gets straight to work pushing Eddie’s sweater off his shoulders. “Think about how tired we’re gonna be in first period tomorrow. I’m gonna get hard just looking at those bags under your eyes.”

“What the fuck?” Eddie whispers back to him. He shrugs his cardigan back on. “You say the weirdest shit Richie, I swear to God. Is think about how tired we’re gonna be in first period tomorrow supposed to be like, dirty talk? Because uh, that’s not sexy. I—”

“But you love me,” Richie interrupts, “so everything I do is sexy.” He yanks his own shirt over his head and smiles down at Eddie.

“Yeah, that’s not how it works,” Eddie says, placing both hands on Richie’s bony chest and trying not to focus too much on how good his skin feels because he is not going to get distracted by the lure of impending nakedness.

“Yeah it is,” says Richie immediately, sliding a hand up under Eddie’s pajama top. “We’re in love, so everything is like automatically a million times more sexy.”

“Oh really? What so...so, my...like when I had to shove Tylenol down your throat when you had a 102 fever last month? You find that sexy?”

“Hell yes,” Richie replies immediately, “you can play doctor with me anytime, baby.”

“Don’t you dare start calling me ‘baby,’” Eddie warns him.

“Try and stop me,” Richie laughs, and he pulls Eddie in closer with his hand on the small of his back. Fuuuck, no way is Richie going to let that go. Eddie hates the nicknames, but he knows it’s a losing battle because Eddie Spaghetti eventually got replaced with Eds and he can already imagine baby gaining ground on Eds. In fact, Eddie would bet his whole allowance that baby is going to eventually turn into babe. He can see babe sticking long-term. He’s just gonna have to get used to the idea.

“Oh, fuck me,” Eddie sighs, resting his forehead on Richie’s shoulder.

“Dude, I’m trying,” Richie says, grinning his shit-eatingest.

Eddie starts to giggle and has to put the brakes on it because he’s not getting sucked in. He’s not. He came here with a mission and he accomplished it. Just because it’s kind of making him die a little inside to leave right now doesn’t mean he can’t suck it up and do it anyway.

“I have to go,” Eddie says again. He stands on his toes and kisses Richie a little harder than usual, and hopes that Richie understands he’d much rather stay here. Someday, Eddie wants to tell him...someday they’ll finish high school. It feels like a million years from now, but then he knows he’s going to blink and he’ll be holding a graduation cap and a college acceptance letter. And Richie will be there too, holding...well, Eddie’s hand, at the very least. He really would get good grades if he applied himself, like all his teachers say, but Eddie doesn’t love him any less for his 2.7 GPA.

“Tomorrow,” Richie says. Eddie’s not sure if it’s a promise or a question. But either way, the answer is yes. If Richie wants to do what they usually do or… whatever else. Eddie’s down for it. One great thing about Richie—one of many, Eddie thinks—is how he doesn’t really try to force Eddie to stay. It’s kind of like when he goes to high five Stan and Stan gives him that please die now look, and Richie just immediately cuts his losses and moves on. He’s like that a lot. Eddie sometimes wishes he could just let shit go the way Richie does.

“Yeah, tomorrow,” Eddie tells him. “Definitely.” He can’t quite bring himself to say how much he’s looking forward to it—so much, so so much—but he thinks Richie can tell anyway. They lock eyes and there it goes, that melty feeling, like the first sip of hot chocolate after playing out in the snow. That’s what should’ve tipped Eddie off that he’s—that they’re—in love. It’s love or fever delirium. Either way, he’s such a goner.

Eddie steps away from Richie and turns toward the window. Once they finish school they’ll leave Derry and only be forced to come back for like, Christmas or whatever. They’ll get a dorm or maybe an apartment together—some cheap place in a horrible neighborhood, probably—and Eddie will eventually have to break it to his mom that Richie’s a lot more to him than a roommate, but it’ll all be so worth it because—

Eddie steps on the uneaten crust of a forgotten PB&J on his way to the window. This is it, the future he has chosen for himself. No one goes from being the kind of person who tosses sandwiches on the floor to a liveable human being in the span of a few years. Someday, it’ll be their room and Eddie will be getting up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and stepping in peanut butter, and he’ll have no one to blame but himself. He picked this idiot—this somehow super hot idiot—he went and fell in love with all that hair and those dark eyes. He fell in love with Richie’s knobby knuckles and his bitten cuticles too. And his strange, infuriating, perplexing mind. Richie never lets anything be boring. Eddie can look forward to an entire lifetime of being, at the very least, kept on his toes. If not literally, to avoid stepping in discarded food.

“You know,” Eddie says, swinging his leg out of the window and back into the icy wind, “I hope you plan on getting a good job, because I’m going to be stuck cleaning up after you as a career.”

Eddie only realizes when he’s halfway home that he just essentially admitted out loud to Richie that he wants to spend the rest of his life with him, which in hindsight makes Richie sound like a really smooth motherfucker for saying, “Nah, I was already planning on hiring us a housekeeper,” without missing a beat.

Eddie slams on his brakes and there, in the middle of the street in the freezing pitch-black night, he comes to his third Big Realization of today. This, Richie and him, it’s the real deal. The things he’s been thinking about—an apartment, a shared bed, a shared life—are not daydreams. They’re plans. Shared plans.

Eddie’s so rarely sure of anything—like how he used to think there was no such thing as supernatural, shape-shifting killer clowns—but he's always sure of Richie. He’s sure of how he feels about Richie, and of how Richie feels about him. Even the fact that he’s out alone so late and not panicking can be attributed to Richie. Eddie used to be afraid of being by himself and the dark, but Richie gives him courage just by existing within a ten-minute biking radius.

Someday isn’t soon enough, but living with Richie is going to have to wait. He can’t believe he’s excited about the idea of Spaghetti-O’s every night and yelling at Richie for leaving the heater on and brushing crumbs off his sheets before bed but, God help him, those things can’t come soon enough. Just a couple more years, Eddie tells himself.

Tomorrow isn’t soon enough, either. His teeth are chattering, mostly because he’s actively freezing to death but also from the almost tangible ache in his chest that started when he walked around to collect his bike from the side of Richie’s house and left Richie watching him from the window. It’s what Eddie usually does when Richie leaves his house and God, Eddie’s not sure how Richie manages to do it twice a week. It almost made Eddie want to cry. He still feels like he might cry. If he goes home and gets into his bed alone right now, he will undoubtedly cry.

It’s a fucking school night, but Eddie is rapidly losing his ability to care. He sits there on his bike in the middle of the road for a second before…

“Fuck it.” He shakes his head, smiles out into the darkness, and swings his handlebars back in the direction of Richie’s house.

[some-embellishments]

We met when we were ten, eleven. Same class in year seven at school. I remember telling people I didn’t know on the internet about how annoying he and his friends were. How they were disrupting my studies. And then later that year we both went on the same school hiking trip and I fell for him. The both of us total kids. Me with no understanding of how these things worked. And yet.

I was fixated on him for years, and then I stopped, and let it go, and of course that was when he fell for me.

---

The first time we fucked we were dancing to Nine Inch Nails in the dark in that same old dirty dive bar. I’d dragged him there. It was apparent that he was becoming interested. I asked if he wanted to stay at mine. On the way home, in an unromantic underpass, I suggested it. 

“Do you wanna have sex?” He stopped, looked at me. 

“Are you sure?”

We went to bed and it was awkward as all hell - his first time. He was sweet, tentative. He didn’t come and neither did I. I think we were both too nervous.

---

He knew he’d made a mistake as we walked through the door. The smell of damp hit us in the face and the space was not as big as he’d remembered it. He was worried that our furniture wouldn’t fit. I assured him that I would make it, and I did. But the charming exposed-brick breakfast bar couldn’t make up for the damp running through the walls. The oven that tripped the entire electrical circuit every time it warmed up. The mould that colonised everything we owned. When we discovered it blooming on the underside of our mattress we both despaired. We slept in sleeping bags on the cold tiled floor for two weeks, alternately sluicing the mattress with foul-smelling chemicals and setting it out in the tiny, dirty courtyard to dry in what little we got of the sun.

He wasn’t working and wasn’t trying particularly hard to get a job. I was working too hard, trying desperately to live up to a whole new set of expectations and growing increasingly frustrated when I failed. I was pouring everything into my career and organising the minutiae of this new life, he was dating indiscriminately and fretting about our relationship. I buried my head in the sand and spent what little free time I had viciously ignoring him. I was angry and stupid. He was angry and confused.

By the time our lease was up we were just about done. 

---

“I’m sure you’re gonna laugh at me,” he says. “You’re gonna laugh or call me stupid. But I’ve been thinking… what happens if there’s an event, or an accident, and everything goes down? If all communications and all the transport links are down. We’d never see each other again.”

Suddenly, unexpectedly, I have to fight back tears.

We’re sitting in a cosy little coffee bar next to the one I’d tried to take him to. It’s the first time he’s come to visit me in a couple of years. Two years, two big fights. The first: he admits that he’s been lying to his girlfriend about the time he spends with me. For years I’ve been thinking her jealous, paranoid… and all the while he’s been gaslighting her. The second: the two of them move back into Whitemoor, into our first home together. He tells me at the very last minute. I am devastated.

---

Whitemoor was a period of peace. He’d been chafing at my need for space but the two bedrooms and some distance from our parents made the time we spent together just perfect. Friends would spontaneously visit in the evenings. On one we came home to two of them sitting drinking in our back garden - they’d climbed over the fence. It was a hysterical, endearing surprise, the perfect expression of our friendship. Our home was the first of our school-friends’; they wanted to share in it and of course we welcomed them. We felt that they loved us with the power of vicarious future-wishing. They loved what we had. I think for a few our split was like a parents’ divorce. They were close enough to understand but they didn’t want to.

The garden was sunny, with a patio area and a long lawn. The cat loved it - jumping over the fence at the back to get lost in the field beyond. And we loved it, working our way through the selection of beers at the corner shop across the road, sitting in the sun, happy in our own company and others’. Everything painted in a warm yellow glow. We’d spend hungover Saturday mornings trawling local charity shops and Sundays re-exploring the surrounding countryside. Being more open than I have ever been with anyone before or since. Speaking with the same mouth. Revealing to each other more than we had suspected was within ourselves. We solidified, started to become adults. And began to figure out what we each wanted from the future.

But there our mouths were separate. We spoke vastly different futures. We didn’t want the same things.

---

At times like these I think about my mother and her second husband. They met when she was young, unencumbered, but he with a wife and business. He decided to try to stave off divorce and keep his investments. She acquiesced, moved on and found my father. When they met again their situations were reversed. She chose differently - broke and divorced for him. Just after she died he confessed his greatest regret to us, her grieving children; he should have given it all for her that first time around. No business could have been worth as much as she was. They wasted so much time, unaware of how little they had. Fourteen and with very little sympathy to spare, it still struck me as a tragedy.

---

At Whitemoor our mouths perhaps spoke the words that ended things. Or perhaps they staved off the end.

I once found myself telling a friend, newly cohabiting, that the moments they should both savour the most, the ones to look forward to and cherish, are those mornings where they are both hungover and all the barriers come down. That when all their needs are coalesced into a desire to comfort and be comforted, to crave skin on skin platonically, as a means to a greater connection, they’ll be the most together they can ever hope to be. Apparently it doesn’t work the same way for them. Maybe they don’t have the same barriers.

On one of our hungover-together mornings, in the car, we finished up our wanderings with a tentative question. We were so young when we began, I started, hadn’t he ever felt like he missed out? Sex is important - by denying ourselves a range of partners and experiences were we denying ourselves something fundamental? I was hesitant, worried that he’d be hurt that he wasn’t enough. But it was Whitemoor and of course our mouths spoke together; he’d been trying to parse the same problem for months now, had been agonising just as I had. We were jubilant, excited - now that the words had been spoken and no hidden compact had shattered our shared wavelength, we were free to plan our escape from convention. I think we were a little proud to be so modern - an open relationship, somehow proof that we were strong enough and free enough to take everything that we needed without risk.

But still, we fretted about those risks. We drew up rules - a material, concrete, numbered list that we kept in an underwear drawer. As we grew bolder we crossed them out one by one, invisibly. We found we could be less selfish than we expected, that jealousy was not as natural as we had been told. I honestly could not, and have never been able to, be jealous of him fucking someone else. Sex is an unlimited resource. There’s no harm, not even any charity, in sharing an unlimited resource.

As it turns out, time is not an unlimited resource. These are the words with which I end every defensive speech I aim at the opponents of polyamory, of open relationships, after extolling the virtues and surprising ease of the whole system. I’m still trying to defend against the unspoken accusation that I fucked everything up myself, with my shared mouth, asking for more than I deserved, trying to have my cake and eat it. But I’m not sure, really. Maybe it really is my greed, my fault, that has ruined everything forever. Maybe everything really is ruined forever.

---

Now he’s been and gone, the flat I’ve worked so hard on turning into comfort feels empty. The cat, conventionally stand-offish, sat on his lap and turned her head to gaze at him. Does she miss him? Is it my fault, Kate?

---

Buckingham Close is where the full stop is planted. Another welcoming, homely place, but this time without the warm yellow glow. It is not cold, not at all. The end feels slow, leisurely. To me. But perhaps only to me.

We have a basement flat at the front, a few steps to a garden through the double doors of the bedroom to the back. My bedroom - Gareth quickly claims the tiny second bedroom with a single mattress thrown on the floor and one of our chest of drawers newly dedicated to his clothes alone. I am blind to the strength of his commitment to the new one, at first. I pretend to know why it is we’re breaking up. It’s because we have different futures. It is deliberate. I hang on this. It’s not wrong, it couldn’t possibly be. He, at least, knows what we’re doing. He’s more clear-sighted than I am and has discovered that this cannot possibly work. We both believe that we’ve tried everything and it has failed. As far as I’m aware.

We visit his family in Florida for Christmas and the new one house-sits and feeds the cat.

Florida is hell. I’m ashamed of everything about me and try to cover up my neglected hair and the weight I’ve layered on. Of course it doesn’t work, and in the photos I look awful, but not unhappy. Just unworthy.

Is it this trip or the previous one that he told me he’d worried for me the entire time we flew? Two separate planes, his flight expensive, mine cheap, but we’d both worried exclusively for me the whole way. I felt guilty for presuming I’d die instead of him. So grateful that he’d been more scared for my life than his. He never was afraid of flying.

We fuck once, softly, quietly, in the Florida room we’re allotted. It doesn’t feel unnatural, it just feels a bit like ending. We fuck once more when we’re back, a strange one which breaks the poetry - there’s tenderness but not the slightest bit of romance. It is definitive in the strangest way, with hindsight, but it all felt very simple at the time.

One day he leaves the house with mischief on his face and won’t tell me where he’s going. It’s a benevolent mischief and I have high hopes for it which I’ll later regret. Some time later he does it again. When he comes back he still won’t tell me where he’s been but undresses for a shower and sallies into my room afterwards, in a towel, with a shit-eating grin. On his leg are three straight black lines. It feels like a betrayal - for all the times I have had to listen to him rant about the stupidity of getting tattoos. It feels like a mid-life crisis come early. It feels like I don’t know him any more.

As the days slip by I realise I don’t. He slips on more new facets of himself and I feel more and more alone. I still trust him to know what he’s doing. It takes me till the first year’s argument - when he reveals that the new one had no idea he was still fucking me, that they had agreed to exclusivity - to realise that it wasn’t about our incompatibility, it was that he had found someone better.

And fuck, doesn’t that still hurt.

---

His mother calls me to commiserate when he finally tells her, not long after Florida, that we’re splitting up. This is the definitive moment I remember. I was cleaning the shower and he was out with his new facets. She called and I continued cleaning, trying to keep my tears off the phone line. I told her all the things I had believed; that we had tried everything and found it impossible. I was very grateful for her sympathy. She had always been so kind to me.

When we hung up I broke down, still standing in the shower. For me, that was the point at which it all ended.

---

So when he tells me that when the world ends he’s worried he won’t be able to find me my entire heart breaks. Although I know it’s not the same thing it reminds me of my stepfather’s confession. Why did I save those tears to cry now, alone? Should I have cried them in front of him?

“Oxford,” he says. “Oxford is about equidistant. We should meet there. Where do we know in Oxford?”

“There’s that museum - the Ashmolean.” I say. I smile. “Let’s meet there.”

[thekuroiookami]

(Haikyuu) The Cat’s Smile and the Girl’s Tears (Kuroo x Reader) - Part 3

You dragged yourself into the station the next day, your endurance stretched to its limits. You sank into the chair at your chaotic desk with a sigh and closed your eyes. A second later, an enticing cinnamon aroma filled the air. You opened one eye to the glorious sight of a coffee cup.

“You look like you got run over by a train. Slowly. Twice.” Iwaizumi didn’t sound at all sympathetic, but then he never did.

“Morning to you too, Hajime.” You took a long sip of the dark liquid and nearly moaned in relief. “I’ll forgive you for pointing out how terrible I look since you brought the elixir of life.”

He perched on the edge of your desk and folded his arms. “You’re welcome. How are you feeling after…?”

Your jaw clenched at the reference to the abrupt dissolution of your engagement. There was no point hiding anything from him, he’d known you for years now. You looked up into his face, locking your stare with his steady gaze. “I still want to gently change the shape of his face, if that’s what you mean.”

He glowered, barely restraining his own violent tendencies. “You know that’s not what I meant.”

You swirled the dregs of the coffee, contemplating the wreck that your life had become. “I’m managing. That’s all I can do. If I sit down and think about it, I’ll cry my heart out and it won’t help anyone. Maybe if we solve this case soon, I can use your shoulder as a prop for my dejected self.”

Iwaizumi regarded you for a heartbeat longer. He patted your arm and spoke gruffly. “I won’t let you use me as a mop, but I can always drag Oikawa out for you instead.”

You gave your partner a tired yet grateful smile. “You’re a pillar of support, my friend.”

Whatever sardonic reply he was going to make was cut off as a someone approached, his slim frame vibrating with nervous energy. You and Iwaizumi stared, baffled, as the young man executed a perfect salute, sending his mop of shiny black hair flying. “Officer Kageyama Tobio, reporting for duty!”

Realization dawned. “Oh. You’re the new rookie they assigned to us.” You took in his sharp blue eyes, wide with hope. “At ease, soldier. Whose nerves did you get on to get this as your first assignment?”

“Are you sure it isn’t a punishment for us?” Iwaizumi muttered under his breath. You elbowed him in the ribs.

“I- erm- I’m not sure what you mean, Sergeant.” Kageyama blinked in confusion.

You tilted your head back in brief prayer. “Sorry, Kageyama-kun, we’re just…Never mind. This is Iwaizumi Hajime, he’s a fairly nice guy, just don’t let him goad you into a drinking competition. I’m ____.”

Your partner jabbed a thumb at you. “She’s not a fully functioning human being in the morning, but don’t worry. She doesn’t actually eat people.”

You rolled your eyes. “One cup of coffee does not give you diplomatic immunity, Hajime.”

Kageyama’s eyes jumped back and forth between you both, unsure what to make of this. You took pity on him and smiled. “What do you know about the case- well cases – that we’re investigating?”

He pursed his lips. “Only the bare minimum, Sergeant. Six women have been found dead, different C.O.Ds each time, each ten days apart. The only link between the murders is that they all had playing cards with the word Alice written on them, found at the scene. Oh, and all the victims were dressed up as Alice from the books.”

Iwaizumi tapped a yellow binder. “The first victim was Sasaki Megumi. A restaurant owner in her late 20s. She went missing after a party. They found her a couple of days later when a couple was walking through the woods.”

You slid out a photo from the file. “More precisely, the woman in the pair looked up when she felt something drip onto her face. Sasaki had been torn apart and scattered everywhere.”

Kageyama’s face went pale at the sight of a head impaled on a branch, mouth wide in an eternal scream. To his credit, he didn’t look away. “Is that a playing card in her mouth?”

“Yes, the Jack of Spades. Sasaki seems to be the only one without the Alice costume.” You turned thoughtful. “Taken together with the frenzied mode of killing, it makes me think it was a crime of passion. The perpetrator was likely in a fit of rage.”

Iwaizumi picked up the thread and continued, expression grim. “The next one was Kai Sakura, a university student. Similar levels of brutality, but there’s evidence of pre-meditation. Her parents had the whole town looking for her for days. Then they found her in a shallow grave, heavily mutilated.”

Kageyama’s jaw clenched at the next photo. “There’s- there’s a crown. Stitched onto her head.”

You felt the darkness creeping back around the edges of your vision. The pain and terror frozen into her rag-doll face haunted your waking moments relentlessly. Your hand tightened around the paper cup. “It might have something to do with the Queen of Clubs card she had. Anyway, the killer is clearly getting cocky now. That’s why he made a slip.”

The rookie cop bent over to look at the grainy video footage Iwaizumi pulled up. “Where is this from?”

“The third victim’s apartment. Yamane Akemi was a part-time singer in a band. Sang at a small bar in the evenings. Worked at the local konbini during day. Had a sweet, soft-spoken personality by all accounts.” You put a soothing hand on his shoulder as Iwaizumi’s voice became rough. “In a show of real arrogance, the killer abducted her from her apartment, ripped her throat out and left her body slumped on a table for the bar-owner to find.  She had a Diamond King in her hand. Turns out being  that ballsy was a bad idea, because a surveillance camera caught him leaving the apartment, though his face is hidden.”    

Kageyama swallowed, fear turning his eyes glassy. “A-and the next one?”

“The next two,” you corrected gently, “were twins. Oshiro Hina and Hana. They ran a law firm together. C.O.D was poisoning – we found a bottle saying “Drink Me” and a cake with “Eat Me” iced on it. Probably the least violent of the killings, if you can say that about murder. They had half of a card each, the Ace of Hearts.”

“The one we found four days ago,” sighed Iwaizumi, “was Ueda Yukiko, a thirty-something nurse. Her co-worker became worried when she didn’t show up to work. When the neighbourhood police got into her apartment, her five-year old son was sitting by the bathtub, scared to death. Her body was floating in the water, and her hands had been cut off. Her card was a Two of Spades.”    

Kageyama flinched a little when he looked into your face. He didn’t know how far the horrors went, how utterly bleak your soul had become over the last two months. You had to push down the memory of a child who might never speak again. It wouldn’t help him to linger on your own feelings. You came back to reality to hear the end of Iwaizumi’s sentence.

“…and there’s no apparent connection between the victims.”

“As of now, that’s not true.” Both of them focused their unyielding attention on you. “I found out something yesterday.”

When you finished summarizing the events of the previous evening, Kageyama rested his chin on his hand, thinking. You had to resist the overwhelming urge to pat his head. He was so young and unblemished. He piped up, oblivious to your thoughts. “So the club calls all its special guests Alice?”

You nodded. “Presumably the suspect has regular access to the club and the underground areas.”

Iwaizumi was pacing next to the board now, deep in his own conclusions. You saw the beginnings of a familiar resolve building on his face as he spoke. “So how does that fit into the order of the killings? The murderer started off with a lot of rage, probably had no plans to kill the first victim. Then they realized they could do it again, get away with it. So the second one is showy, a taunt. Then…”

The younger male caught on to your partner’s line of thought and straightened. “And then they’re all in cold blood because he just likes killing for the sake of it now.”

You placed a palm on a photo, feeling a crimson thread binding you to the sorrowfully still girl in the picture. “They’re punishments,” you intoned quietly. “For defying his wishes. Whatever they are.”

There’s a moment of silence before Iwaizumi turned to Kageyama. “We can talk about this on the way to the lab. There’s someone you need to meet.”

The lone figure hunched over the table in the forensics room didn’t look up when you entered. “I’m busy, go away.”

“We brought a fresh recruit, Semi.” You tilted your head in amusement. “If you would take your eyes from the microscope for a second, you can register him and go back to brooding.”

Your favourite analyst scowled and pushed back his glasses onto his head, making his silvery hair stand up in tufts. “I’m not brooding. If you had any gratitude at all, you’d leave me alone to the mountain of work they’ve left me with.” He didn’t wait for your reply before looking poor Kageyama up and down once. “Okay, registered. Now disappear.”

You settled your hip against the table and smiled pleasantly. “I love you too, Semi. Have you got any news for me?”

He gave you a flat look of displeasure and pulled a sheet from a teetering stack of papers. “The autopsy results are out. Ueda Yukiko died from asphyxiation by drowning. No big surprise there.”

Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow. “And?”

Semi sighed and pulled another sheet from the perilously stacked tower. You saw Kageyama eye the wobbling paper structure with trepidation. “The analysis finally came back on the poison used in the twins’ food.” He bit his lip. “It’s tetrodotoxin. A neurotoxin commonly found in poisonous marine animals.”

You and Iwaizumi straightened in attention. You leaned closer to Semi. “That would be hard to procure, wouldn’t it?”

The analyst twirled a pen in consideration. “Yeah, I’d say so. It’s not usually synthesized artificially either, so you can’t just buy it. It’s worth looking into the source.”

“I can do it.” Iwaizumi’s eyes slid to the junior officer as Kageyama held his hand up. “I can try to trace the poison.”

Semi nodded like that solved everything. “There you go, the new kid is offering to do it for you. Now can I please get back to this fingerprint sample?”

You nudged his shoulder. “You sure you don’t want to join us for lunch, snow queen?”

“And spend half an hour in interminable agony? No thanks.”

Iwaizumi shook his head as you left the lab, muttering something about cicadas and people with no lives. Kageyama shook his head fervently when you repeated your question about lunch, saying he had something to look up, and ran off. You stepped outside with Iwaizumi, turning left to take the path to your usual izakaya, when an arm suddenly slung itself around your shoulder.

“___-chan, were you and Iwa-chan going to abandon me and go to lunch? How mean.”

You gave Oikawa a long-suffering look. “Abandonment implies we have a choice, which hasn’t been the case since college.”

Iwaizumi bumped fists with you. “For once we agree on something.”

Oikawa’s head drooped to rest on your shoulder. You ruffled his glossy hair affectionately. “How’s life in the limelight treating you, Tooru?”

“Same old, same old. Being a celebrity news anchor does have its downsides, you know.”

You looped your arm through his and dragged him forward. “Like what? All the people in love with you?”

He narrowed his eyes at you. “When they follow you around and invade your privacy, yes.”

Iwaizumi’s mouth curled down unhappily. “Is someone bothering you?”

Your other best friend smiled, eerily reminding you of a cat that caught the canary. “Why Iwa-chan, are you feeling protective of me?”

“Yeah,” replied Iwaizumi simply. “I am. Wouldn’t anyone be?” There was long silence in which Oikawa watched Iwaizumi with a strained expression. You stopped and looked up at the izakaya’s name emblazoned in red.

“Tooru, you’re paying this time.” The tension dissipated as Oikawa gave you a betrayed look.

“But why? You’re punishing me for something I didn’t even do,” he said with a pout.

“You’re paid more than me and Hajime combined,” you pointed out. “I think you can afford to treat us to some ramen without breaking the bank.” Iwaizumi nodded solemnly.

He threw his hands up in surrender. “Fine. You first, ___-chan,” he said, holding the curtains to the entrance open. Oikawa made a grand flourish. “Age before beauty, remember?”

You made sure to step hard on his foot as you walked in. He yelped and followed you to a quiet table in the corner, scowling at you the whole way. Iwaizumi was shaking his head at your collective antics when the server came to take your orders. You noted with amusement the glazed adoration on her face as Oikawa gave her a dazzling smile.

“So,” you said to Iwaizumi when you were alone again, “how should we go about dealing with this?”

Oikawa sipped from a glass of water, dark eyes watchful. “Have you made any progress with the Alice killer?”

You told him what you’d learned at the club. “I think I’ll have to go back there and question them all,” you finished. “There’s a lot more under the surface than they’re letting on.”

“The whole thing seems extremely shady to me,” growled Iwaizumi. “I’m going with you.”

You wondered how to go about this gently. “I don’t think it’s a good idea. I have feeling their trust is fragile, and anything could break it. I need you to look up their files instead so we can corroborate their stories later. It’s time consuming, but Kageyama-kun can help.”

Green eyes locked with yours in a battle of wills as Iwaizumi made his disapproval known. You gazed back until he looked away with a sigh. “Be careful. This perp has no boundaries, no rules. You could be targeted.”

Oikawa gave you a pleasant smile. “I could accompany you, if you like. This club sounds very interesting.”

Before you could say it, Iwaizumi shook his head. “No, definitely not. It’s bad enough that she wants to waltz in there without protection, but taking you along? That’s not happening.”

Oikawa’s face was set in stubborn resolve. He lifted his chin. “I can take care of myself, Iwa-chan. ‘Sides, the killer only targets women.”

That seemed to make the other male falter. His face turned grim again. “I still say no. There’s no guarantee the murderer will continue to follow this pattern, and you might not be able to follow ___ to the underground floor. It’s unsafe for a host of reasons.”

You watched in fascination as Oikawa turned predatory. “Iwa-chan,” he said, lips curling upwards, “are you really just worried for me?”

Iwaizumi frowned, setting his glass down with a tap. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I mean,” Oikawa intoned, voice husky, “you’re coming up with a bunch of flimsy reasons for me not to visit a club. As if I haven’t been to a million of them. Is there something in particular about this one that bothers you? Like the fact that there’s a collection of attractive, intriguing people?”

You bit your cheek as you saw Iwaizumi’s knuckles turn white. “Are you saying,” he gritted out, “that I’m jealous?”

There was a rustle as Oikawa leaned forward, his gaze fixed on Iwaizumi’s. “I don’t know. Are you?”

It was lightning-fast, but you caught it as Iwaizumi’s eyes dropped to Oikawa’s mouth. Judging from the way his shoulders stiffened, Tooru knew it too. Your partner parted his lips to speak. “I-“

A shrill ring drove a spike into the strange moment building at the table. You finally breathed again as Iwaizumi left to take the call, your chest easing out of a tightness you didn’t know you felt. Oikawa just stared at the table with a dark expression, his frame rigid with tension. You sighed.

“Tooru, when are you both going to stop dancing around each other and just say it?” You had lost track of the number of times they came close to the edge of that precipice.

He didn’t look at you. “I can’t risk it, ___-chan. You and Iwa-chan are the only people I have left.” His voice was quiet, broken. “I just can’t.”

You put your hand over his, feeling his pain like your own. “I’m not going to interfere, but…this isn’t going to last forever.”

He didn’t say anything when you and Iwaizumi left for the station. Your partner’s face had turned into a granite mask, and you knew better than to prod him for answers. After spending a while collecting files to take with you, it was time to leave, so you waved at Iwaizumi. He nodded back briskly. “Be safe, ___.”

Twenty minutes later you found yourself staring at a door, powder blue this time, and wondering what awaited you behind its polished surface. There was only one way to find out. You inhaled for calm, turned the knob and walked in.

A shirtless Kuroo greeted you with an inscrutable smile. You swallowed at the sight of gloriously dusky skin, marble-like musculature and that sinful hair over one eye. “Detective. I see you’ve found the Pool of Tears.”

[fiightcrarchived2]

all the prime numbers for the character solidifying meme

2      how do they think of their mother ? what do they hate ? love ? what influence - literal or imagined - did the mother have ? 

      oh boi.    ok, so let me be real honest for one small second ;  amelia hunter loved her mother with all her heart.   yes, she hated her for not standing up to jackson, for not stopping him, for letting herself get murdered by her husband.  but dear lord, she loved her so much.  was a real mommy’s girl as a matter of fact.   as for influence, i’d low key wager nothing actually influenced her about ashley, bc blondie was like seven at the time she died and everything she really knew was that she would never ever touch alcohol….   heh.

3       brothers, sisters ?  who do they like ? why ? what do they despise about their siblings ?

      LEANNE WAS HER FIRST LOVE.   AND SHE WAS HEARTBROKEN WHEN SHE WAS LOST.      ok, so from the very first moment she held leanne in her arms at the hospital at the ripe age of four, amelia hunter swore to protect her baby sister from anything that could ever harm her.    how wrong she would prove to be.   along with her first real platonic love, and for the next eight years, leanne hunter was her everything — as well as her biggest failure and sorrow. 

7       what was the economic status of their family ?

      the first four years they belonged in like the upper middle class ?    two story house, garden with a white picket fence ; the perfect family i the sub-urbs.   then jackson lost his job and started drinking and the money went quickly down the drain, but up until the brutal murder of jackson ; and the night where wolfie’s world turned upside down, they stayed in the same house.    (  extra info !   the same house has since then had like seven families who all moved out quickly claiming the house was haunted.   so now it’s just slowly decaying at the  end of the streets.  kids in the neighborhood dare each other to go inside / spend the night etc.  – it’s now a test of “bravery” tbh. )

11       how do they see themselves: as smart, as intelligent, uneducated ?

      she is uneducated, and she’s awfully aware of that, having never actually graduated high school.     she was done with that shit the day she turned eighteen and was out of the system.     and so she doesn’t see herself as smart, intelligent or anything in those directions.   she does however consider herself streetsmart and witty, a survivor and a fighter, and strong and brave.     but at the same time, a coward and a hypocrite and weak.

13       did they like school ? teachers ? schoolmates ?

      as mentioned above, she never even graduated high school, so she disliked that quite a lot.   mostly because she was always the new kid and had a really hard time connecting with her peers.  instead she was the kind of rebel shit that skipped classes and hung out with the older boys and smoked cigarettes behind the gym and made out beneath the bleachers.  she was rude towards her teachers, and most other kinds of authorities, and sometimes even fellow students.   the only subjects she even moderately liked was music and gym.  anything that required her to sit still and take notes and read were a whole other story and usually skipped.   especially biology, chem and math.    being the new kid at least once a school year wasn’t easy and  as such friendships were scarce.    why make a connection that would never last more than like a semester ?

19       what were your character’s deepest disillusions ? in life ? what are they now ?

answer to be added when i have a good one tbh.

23       what do they want from a partner ? what do they think and feel of sex ?

      security.   feeling secure with her partner is one of the most important things;  along with security comes trust, of course.  if there’s no trust there’s simply nothing.   secondly she demands a modicum of independence due to her line of work.  she needs to know that their partner can handle the uncertainty of this thing she’s chosen for a living,  and not go and demand her changing her way of life.   ( she might decide to do that if it’s serious enough, but it HAS TO BE her choice. )     also any future partner need to be able to kill det fucking spiders, man !!         as for the sex,  it’s an itch that needs to be scratched once in a while.  it’s a means to an end,  something to offer to get something she wants.   it means nothing to her. 

29       what is your character’s weaknesses ? 

      her heart.      ok, so amelia might come off as somewhat of a frigid bitch,  but that’s more or less fake news.    it’s the safest defense mechanism;  don’t let anyone in, and you won’t get hurt.   because despite it all she has a gigantic heart of gold,  and if you manged to get through the microscopic cracks she will lay down ehr life for you without blinking twice.   her pride.    blondie’s never been much of a team player, preferring to handle things alone,  always believing she’s good enough to handle things on her own.   safe to say it has landed her in more trouble than anyone should be able to.    her lack of a brain-to-mouth-filter …  sarcasm is the one thing this girl can speak fluently,  especially at inappropriate times.    children and animals,  seeing one hurt is an eternal source of rage, and she rarely won’t rest until she’s had  a     talk     with whomever responsible for the suffering.       … and she’s deathly terrified of fucking spiders. 

31       does your character have children ? how do they feel about the parental role ? about children ? 

      she does not.   and she can ever actually have one,  not biologically at least.   but, boy oh boy,  she wish to be a parent.   she loves children,  would give her soul to have one of her own.   instead she is orphaned children’s fiercest protector;   never one to back away if she sees one in trouble.    honestly, if she could she would just adopt every single one she meets. 

37       how is your character’s imagination ? daydreaming a lot ? worried most of the time ? living in memories ?

      surprisingly not that vivid.    with everything she sees and handles it’s hard to imagine even more crazy.  when she was little she used to live in a daydream; one in which she got leanne and herself away from jackson, away from oklahoma,  and they could start anew just the two of them.    when leanne was killed however the dream just died with her, and since then the only kind of dreams have been night terrors,   and even day terrors if she’s gone too long without sleeping and hallucinations starts to appear.   

41       is your character aware of who they are ? strengths ? weaknesses ? idiosyncrasies ? capable of self-irony ?

   mostly yes,    while i’m very sure others could pick out her quirks easier than she can herself,  she is very aware of her flaws and most of her  strengths;  except for those she simply does not agree with.   like the golden heart and generosity -  because those are weaknesses and not strengths after all.   

43       does your character have any secrets ? if so, are they holding them back ?

      ‘”     i murdered my father at the age of twelve..  but only because he was an abusive fuck who killed my sister and mother.   and then i’ve been in and out of foster homes until i turned 18  and ever since i’ve been hunting monsters and living under false names because my real identity is presumed dead.   “  yeah, huge secrets,   never to tell unless you’re in the really, really close inner circle.   no one never is tbh…

47       do they want to project an image of a younger, older, more important person ? do they want to be visible or invisible ?

      it depends on the situation,  amelia is nothing if not a social chameleon and can blend in and fake it with the best of them if deemed necessary.   

5&17      is already answered !

                                                       ✉      //      a.      ➝       @starkmatriarch​ .

[krissysbookshelf]

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  Daughter of Magic by Teresa Roman: Desperate to make sense of her visions, Lilli confides in Devin, the guy she’s fallen for. Devin shares his secrets, and he reveals dark knowledge of magic, witches and demons. What he knows about Lilli’s mother, presumed dead, stuns and angers her. She must learn to trust him again because only he can protect her from the coming danger.

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  The Last Scion by R. Michael Card: Senia had never thought of herself as special until Ahrn stumbles into her village with a strange artifact he’s protecting with his life. Now, something is calling to her, something so familiar she can’t ignore it… something that will test Ahrn’s vow to the god he serves and change Senia’s life forever.

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  The Cycle of Arawn: The Complete Trilogy by Edward W. Robertson: In the Cycle of Arawn, a young man learns to wield the banned magic of his world. But his quest for knowledge soon drops him into a fight for his life—and sparks a revolution that could consume his entire kingdom. A USA Today bestseller and Audie-nominated fantasy trilogy.

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  EON by Earl E. Hardman: Ian Lotus is a man with a mysterious past – and a secret that could reshape mankind’s destiny. The object of an interplanetary manhunt, Lotus must stay one step ahead of his pursuers, including the military, an invading alien fleet, and an interdimensional being of tremendous power.

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  The Book Of Riley A Zombie Tale by Mark Tufo: This is the story of Riley, an American Bulldog, follow along as she tries to keep her pack safe from a zombie apocalypse. Traveling with her are Ben-Ben the high strung Yorkie, her favorite two-legger Jessie, Jessie’s younger brother Zachary and Riley’s arch-enemy Patches the Cat. They are a rag-tag group of survivors who when pushed to the limit realize that they are all each other has.

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  Dark Space Universe by Jasper T. Scott: Three hundred million scientists are exploring the universe on their way to the cosmic horizon. Along the way they discover an evil as old as time.

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  Armageddon Bound by Tim Marquitz: Frank Trigg is the last man standing against Armageddon. With help from the members of DRAC, an organization of wizards, psychics, telepaths, and low-end supernatural beings, Frank must thwart the pro-Armageddon forces and rescue an angel in whose life rests the fate of humanity. Better luck next time, humanity.

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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    Bourbon Springs Box Set (Books 7-9) by Jennifer Bramseth: Romance with a splash of bourbon! Enjoy three free standalone romances set Kentucky’s beautiful bourbon country. And even if you don’t like bourbon… you’ll love a taste of the heat.

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  Love Times Two by Maggie Dallen: It’s a double wedding disaster when Elizabeth finds out her fiance cheated on her just before the TV crews arrive to document the festivities for a reality show. Luckily her sister found a replacement groom, and he just happens to be the same guy whose bed she woke up in after a night of drowning her sorrows. It was supposed to be a one night stand. So then, why does it feel so right to play pretend?

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  The Broken Road by K.S Ruff: Kristine’s running, from a lot of things… an abusive ex-husband, a creepy coworker, and a stalker. Thankfully, she has a plan. She’s moving to D.C., issuing a moratorium on dating, and burying herself in work. Enter… Air Force Captain Kadyn Rand. Kadyn derails Kri’s plan with hurricane force. He’s determined to win her heart but soon learns it will take much more than that to save her from her past.

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  Rogue Wolf by Zoe Perdita: Seth’s a seer, but ever since his old partner died his powers have been on the fritz. Enter Conner Sharp, Seth’s sexy and mysterious new partner. While the dark-haired stranger ignites Seth’s desire, he also awakens the seer’s power with every touch. Seth sees their future together -“ a future rich with lust and danger -“ but is it a future the enigmatic Conner wants?

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  Magic in the Desert Box Set by Christine Pope: Three complete first-in-series paranormal romance novels from USA Today bestselling author Christine Pope: Darkangel: Ancient curses…family feuds…finding the man of your dreams can be a real nightmare for the modern witch. Bad Vibrations: Alien conspiracies…government cover-ups…what’s a psychic on the run to do? Chosen: Sometimes the end of the world is just the beginning….

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  The Trouble with Falling by Rochelle Morgan: The plan: prevent heartbreak by never falling in love again. Problem #1: Lex. The artist Sophie chats to online every day. Problem #2: Caleb. Best man at Sophie’s sister’s wedding. Both seem determined to crack through her tough exterior. Can she stick to her plan, or will she end up falling?

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  Filthy Professor by Amy Brent: That’s it, I can’t stand it anymore! I’ve spent months trying to get Professor Logan Clark to notice me. I dress sexy, I gaze into his eyes, I lick my lips when he looks at me. I want to get him out of his classroom and out of his clothes for a little private, one-on-one tutoring…

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  Her Web Master by Normandie Alleman: For every ounce of pleasure, a price must be paid. If you’re looking for an erotic romance with a filthy online book boyfriend who will make your toes curl, meet Sophie’s mysterious Dom.

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  Beautiful Broken Girl by Rachael Tonks: A thousand questions run through Kennedy’s mind as she tries to escape the evil of her past. Starting her new found life she never thought she would ever find happiness… until him. Cole was perfectly content going through his days on autopilot with no real purpose… until her.

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  The Roommate by Shae Buggs: In order to cover over-priced city rent, Mallory Bates does the responsible thing and asks a complete stranger to move in with her. Kaden Covington, her supposed Southern belle roommate, turns out to be a he rather than the she Mallory expected. Mallory is naïve to the signs of a budding relationship with Kaden until it’s too late to turn off the emotions.

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  Sins of the Father by Sunanda J. Chatterjee: Police Officer Harrison McNamara grew up with a silver spoon in his mouth. The former Wellington Estates heir has dedicated his life to taking criminals off the streets. But when he goes undercover to expose a blackmailing scheme, he meets a freelance model who may hold a key to his past. Sins of the Father is a stand-alone romantic saga.

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  The Prince’s Virgin by Charlize Starr: I’m the heir to the throne. According to custom, I have to pick my bride during a festival. A festival where women compete for my attention. Seriously, how outdated. Besides, all I can think about is the girl I’ve been talking to online, anonymously. The one who disclosed all of her dirty little secrets to me. She just sent me a new message. She’s been chosen for the festival. She has to come. It’s the law.

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  Helena’s Colonel by Faith Crawford: Long-time bachelor and country doctor Eli Yoder is finally looking to tie the knot. But love, romance and companionship have nothing to do with it. Instead, he is looking for a woman who will put aside her own needs, dreams and desires to become an ideal mother to his six-month-old twin nephew and niece.

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  Her Two Bears by T. S. Ryder: Danita Valdez is about to live her dream. She’s inherited a small farm from her uncle and wants to make it her little paradise. But then loan shark McGrath turns up and transfers her uncle’s debt to her. If she doesn’t pay, he’ll auction off her virginity to the highest bidder. And as if things can’t get worse, two of McGrath’s thugs show up to “protect” her.

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  Likely Suspects by G.K. Parks: Alexis Parker, a former federal agent, finds herself thrust into the role of a bodyguard hired to protect a CEO, James Martin. Along the way, Alex must overcome her inner demons, resist Martin’s constant advances, and identify the party attempting to destroy Martin’s life. The conspiracy unfolds in an action-packed tale of envy and revenge.

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  I’ve Been Watching You by K.A. Richardson: While taking a course in Digital Forensics Ben Cassidy meets the charming Jacob Tully, an ex-army war veteran struggling with his past. While the team investigate the apparent hit and run of a care home worker, Ben suspects there is more to it. As events unfold she discovers the connection to a series of murders much closer to home.

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  Gone Unnoticed by Robin Mahle: Kate Reid has stared down pain and death and come through the other side. Now, as she begins to piece her life back together, entering the FBI’s training program at Quantico, there is light at the end of the tunnel. But when her friend and mentor, Special Agent Nick Scarborough, pulls her into an investigation into the disappearance of young immigrant women, Kate begins to connect with the victims like never before. Will Kate lose hope of renewing a life that has already robbed her of so much?

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  The Harvesting by Melanie Karsak: Layla Petrovich has spent her whole life running away from her hometown of Hamletville. But when she receives a desperate call to return just as a mysterious outbreak sweeps the country, Layla’s instincts urge her to go. Good thing, because the dead are rising. Layla, however, isn’t entirely on her own. With her psychic powers growing, surely everything will turn out okay, right?

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  The Doodlebug War by Andrew Updegrove: A post-ISIS terrorist organization has taken control of much of the Mid East. Now it’s threatening to launch a horrific attack that will bring the United States and Europe to their knees.

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  A Friend of Silence by M. Lee Prescott: The silence of Old Harbor Friends School is shattered by the death of lascivious, comptroller, Milt Wickie, discovered in his office, a scrimshaw knife protruding from his chest. A knife belonging to beloved teacher, Bess Dore. Bess jumps headlong into the murder investigation along with old flame, police detective, Roger Demaris.

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  Diced: Charlie Cooper Mystery (Book 3) by Deany Ray: Charlie’s new life as an undercover detective sounds more glamorous than it actually is. Her next case seems simple enough until she stumbles upon a dead body. Between solving the case, going to cocktail class with her mom and saving a disastrous dinner with the hottest cop in town, it’s time for Charlie to step up before everything comes crumbling down.

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  Alex Landon Starter Library by Gavin Reese: The perfect place to introduce yourself to Detective Alex Landon, as well as the authentic writing style of Gavin Reese. Contains three short stories that are ideal for crime TV fans!

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  The Sun God’s Heir by Elliott Baker: For three thousand years a hatred burns. To defeat a brutal pharaoh reembodied in 17th century France, René Gilbert must fight his way through pirates and slavers to Morocco and reclaim the power of his own ancient past. To protect those he loves from one he once called brother, he must remember…

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  Death Edge Tales by Chris Rogers: In this first volume of tales from novelist Chris Rogers, you’ll travel inside the minds of unpredictable characters from both sides of death’s bony grasp. In the spirit of Rod Serling, Edgar Allan Poe and Alfred Hitchcock, these narratives take you down a path filled with thorny surprises, often frightful, sometimes amusing and always gripping.

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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  Shutter Speed by Freya Barker: He wasn’t supposed to be here, but he can’t seem to escape his old life. Stuck in an old trailer in the mountains, he walks a fine line between ruse and reality. With the arrival of a young-looking pixie—who turns out to be a full grown, hot-blooded woman—his balance is thrown. He tries to avoid her, but with the little pixel peeper snapping everything in sight, she unintentionally risks his exposure.

This book is Free on October 18, 2017

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