Before the Fall 6.18.23
"Willpower"
Skinny dipping sauna –stargazing–
Celebrating an unbirthday in suit
Draped only in light silvery cloud cover
When did my body become something to hide?
Amoral or a moral?
Even the emperor once acquired new-old clothes
There are no apples in this garden,
I am safe from sin-judgment
We have to become kinder
A harder path we may not walk
We have naught but stories
Footprints worn in the stone
Crying out, like constellations to be known
To not be forgotten
Should I die, lounging, submerged, tonight
In which genre will I be remembered
For but a few moments, I am at peace
Ignorant to the world’s worrisome wearies
It is not too much to ask –moments like these
Baring more than souls, barring guilt
Silver strands stream across,
I am afraid –of spiders–
Small things can still be scary,
But to live, I will be brave
I must
@env0writesC.Buck
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Photo by @env0
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But Is It Vanity?
[This is my job right here, to get the children to think about the things they say and the assumptions they make. And to do it in a way that isn't humiliating, shameful or generally off-putting. I do think its the one quality as an Uncle, Titi, Titi or not-parent that I am very good at, if I do say so myself.]
M: You have a high opinion of yourself and your appearance. That is a big sign of vanity, especially your worth. Vanity refers to appearance, opinion and self worth. You have large amounts of pride in all of those. Dressing nice isn’t a sign of vanity, talking about it and showing it off is.
A person that dresses like you but doesn’t take photos or never brings it up would not be considered vain. Your extensive photos can count as showing off. It’s not a bad thing to be vain. You have a high opinion of yourself. Good for you, be confident!
T: Buenos tardes sobrino, you're analysis is very curious to me, because I'm un-partnered, all my parents are dead, and I don't have children of my own. So, who is necessarily supposed to document my existence, or the fact that I was even here? Now do I share photos with maybe less than six people, its probably like five, yes I do.
Let me tell you where I don't share photos anymore, not on Facebook, I shut that down. I've used Instagram stories to post my different looks in the past, but I'm not doing that anymore. I'm not really here to perform for folks or allow them to live vicariously through me. #LiveYourOwnLife
I dress nicely because I like to look nice, I could actually go without sharing the photos because I'm documenting myself primarily for myself, because at the end of the day I don't think anyone really cares.
If there's no documentation, did it really happen? Did I exist, did I leave a mark, did my life have value? Is thats self-absorbed, or vain, or full of myself, to want to be remembered or recalled, or is that human?
M: I don’t view you as self absorbed or anything nasty like that. You’re handsome and you’re happy with that, which I think is awesome. I’m sorry if I came off as rude, to myself the term vain isn’t something negative, as so I just viewed it as a trait like any other. The documentation of yourself is fair, at the end of the day I know very little of whom you communicate with or what so I could only comment on how it came off from my perspective.
T: Which is fair.
I used to broadcast wider, but that no longer felt authentic, many of those folks couldn't care less if I took another breath. And those who were vicariously living through my life were also leeches in my opinion, so I cut them off. Now I share with less than five folks, those rare moments when I actually leave the house.
I also share with my microblog, with its three followers, which will be my personal eulogy about my life in my own words after I am gone, well for as long as Tumblr is online which may be less than ten years, you never know.
I remember being jealous of this girlfriend who always had photographers around her documenting her life and accomplishments and I said to myself, I will be my own historian documenting my own life, because no one else is. No one may ultimately look or care, but maybe one image may survive beyond me, and maybe it will bring a smile to someone, or inspire them to become their own fashion icon.
I am a pariah in my life, the last one left behind with few still alive who are even concerned about my well-being. Documenting good moments is a way to say, hey I still matter, and I have something to offer even if no one is partaking. I find happiness in the unadulterated celebration of myself. #💌
M: That was really well written. Thank you for sharing that with me Titi❤️
Sometimes the young people forget that their elders have as much below the surface life as they do, we are full human beings with depth, doubts and concerns about our mortality. Approaching the challenge with love is all we can do in reminding them or teaching them who we are.
[Photo by Brown Estate]
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