#however my mental health is still so bad that i dont think its possible

[oatbugs]

my mental health has tanked so insanely idk what 2 do lol

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi, i wanted to get any kind of input or opinion because i think theres something really wrong with me. ive always been obsessed with labels and terms to identify myself, always switching them around and finding a new one regularly to base myself off of. right now at least i have no actual sense of identity and its very possible i could just be reaching because i tend to do that a lot but i dont remember a time where i genuinely had a hold on who i was, aside from when i had a really unhealthy obsession with one singular person for about 2 years. my entire life and mental state revolved around them during that time and to be honest, even though we arent on speaking terms anymore, still seeing them on socials messes me up pretty often.

anyway, the main issue is that i dont really know who i am or who i even want to be. i cant even really keep a name/nickname to go buy for longer than a few months only because i know it inconveniences the people around me (however few there are now). and thats another thing! im really iffy about making connections with people now because a lot about it makes me uncomfortable, like the responsibility and having to deal with another person all the time. i know that sounds really shitty, but i feel like i spent all my love ill ever have on that one person for two years and now that its gone, its never coming back. im still very lonely now but the thought of trying to fix that is really uncomfortable to me. its not that im incapable of making friends, its that after a while ill kind of get tired of them? something about consistency makes me restless and i know its shitty because im a really up and down kind of friend, like recently ive only been talking to people when i feel like it, which is one big reason i dont want to make friends and put people through that.

back to the labels and identity thing. its always kind of been there, but recently the urge to cling to some sort of label or answer for my behavior and thoughts and feelings has been so strong that i almost wish i was genuinely delusional or something. or just that something was seriously wrong with me, just so that i have something new and big to cling to. i know thats bad and unhealthy but i dont know how else to function. ive been thinking recently that i have a lot of narcissistic traits, or at least self centered tendencies. i always operate like im the main character. i always do things with the thought in mind that there will be no negative outcomes for me, and if there so happens to be one, then ill somehow weasel my way out of it. i think that everything will always go well for me, which is weird because it very much has not in the past. a lot of bad things have happened to me, but in a weird fucked up kind of way im glad they did. because now i have some sort of trauma to cling to and roll into my identity. but the flaw in that is that i need a new one every so often. i cycle through different traumas and disorders and sexualities and genders and names and everything that i really, genuinely dont know who i am. and thats why i think somethings wrong with me. because what normal person thinks and operates like this? i dont know if i fully described the reality of my situation, or if im just saying that because i want it to seem worse, but thats about it. sorry for the long ask. i hope you can get around to answering

Hi anon,

I think to some degree its okay to like labels, as they can provide us a sense of structure and being able to name things can give a lot of people comfort. It's also okay to change your identity, as identities are fluid and naturally change over time. You're allowed to change your identity as many times as you want because it's literally yours to dictate, you know?

However, there are many different possibilities as to why you may be experiencing this frequent shift in identity. While I can help explain what these possibilites might be, it is crucial to consult with a mental health professional for an accurate assessment and diagnosis.

One of the possibilities is that you could have some narcissistic tendencies, as from my understanding of NPD, it's about basically trying to regain control of feeling worthless or helpless by constructing a reality of grandiosity that can be incredibly fragile (please correct me if I'm wrong).

Also in the realm of personality disorders, the idea of having "identity disturbance" and "unhealthy obsessions" with someone is characteristic of BPD. Identity disturbance, also sometimes called identity diffusion, is described as an "incoherence, or inconsistency in a person's sense of identity. This could mean that a person's goals, beliefs, and actions are constantly changing. It could also be that the person takes on personality traits of people around them, as they struggle to have and maintain their own identity." Of course, you can experience identity disturbance without BPD, but it's still a common experience among pwBPD.

Another possibility is tired to when you said "i cycle through different traumas and disorders and sexualities and genders and names and everything that i really, genuinely don't know who i am" as it reminded me of how a system might experience their identity, especially if they don't realize they're a system. This is not me saying you're definitely a system, but the possibility of plurality could be something to explore further as well.

Ultimately, this could be something to explore further with the guidance and mediation of a mental health professional such as a therapist, who can work with you to identify more concretely why you may be experiencing these things. They can also help you navigate these feelings and provide guidance tailored to your specific needs.

It's important to practice self-care and be gentle with yourself as you navigate your identity. Please know that it's okay to take your time and embrace the journey of self-discovery. If anyone has any additional insights or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[petscrub]

I feel so so lost, if anyone could offer advice i’d appreciate it ♥️

So i currently live in brooklyn but im really struggling to make rent every month. I have a job plus some side jobs going on as well. I could get another job but id really rather not bc i like my free time for rest as well as my art. I live in a really shitty area, have lots of apartment issues and rent is going up each year. (Also its a one bedroom, but i really need a two bedroom for me and my partner. We are separated but still want to live with each other..) we can’t afford to move to a cheaper part of brooklyn, or the bronx, or jersey. Our lease isnt up til May so we could potentially have the money come May but honestly i doubt it unless something drastic changes. Otherwise, the cost of moving would just be too much for us.

My parents, on the other hand, live in california still and are constantly pushing me to come back home. I wouldnt have to pay rent, i’d get a dog (they are bribing me with that), i’d have lots of time to work on my art, i could maybe go back to school if i want, and i wouldn’t be struggling with money, i could save and make money from my side jobs such as my tshirts etc. i was talking to my mom this morning and she kept pushing for me to move home.

Now, i have bpd so its extremely hard for me to make decisions based off of what i want. Im easily influenced by others thoughts and opinions. But right now, im so confused, i feel a pull towards california bc of the benefits i would have, i’d be able to get more education and save money. Currently i think my schedule wouldnt allow me to go back to school, if i wanted to, and also im barely making rent… we pay it late each month.

I really, really love new york. When im not talking to my parents, i dont really think about moving back to california. Sometimes it feels like if i did, i would feel completely defeated by life. I dont feel as if i take advantage of new york enough. Everything i do here could pretty much be done in california, bc i dont do much. Plus my family lives relatively close to LA, although LA sucks pretty bad.

Ultimately i think if i did move back to california i would eventually, when im more established and have the means, move back to nyc. Its where my heart is, but right now is such a difficult time that i just dont know how to keep going like this. Unless, like i said, something drastic changes and i get a great job or something.

I think in california i personally believe there are also better schooling options. Although i dont even know if i’d go back to school. Maybe just take classes here and there. I really just wanna be working on the things i love and bettering myself without the stress of money and rent.

However; my partner has noticed this and so have i, when i live with my family im almost miserable. They are very different than i am, live different lifestyles, and usually make me feel pretty terrible about myself lol. I’d have to deal with all that bullshit, and the possibility of my depression worsening. Especially when i feel like i am in a state where my mental health is getting a lot better.

I dont know what to do guys. I have my lease up in may so its awhile away. But this is something that has been on my mind so much lately. I feel utterly lost and confused.

[rrxnjun]

well idk what kind of url u want but tbh jihoon reminds me of daisies cuz one time he posted them so the only thing i could think of is juhoonsdaisies or sumn like it's kind of cute but it's definitely not like ur other usernames so i don't think i helped;-; but I hope you have already managed to kind of like the url u came up with;-;

aaa don't worry exams suck so i understand so take ur time with it💕💕but very excited about the review🥹

THOSE SLAP SO HARD I HAVE BEEN LISTENING TO THEM SO MUCH!!! yessss i love noise music but u can only listen to it so much;-; and i will deff check out more of their songs once i'm not in a music overload🥸 THAT PERFORMANCE WAS🤌🤌 THE FITS THE VOCALS EVERYTHING WAS SO GREAT🤌🤌 and without you definitely became one of my fav songs rn it's so great and idk what kind of songs it reminds me but i love iiittt

yeahhh i would hope its easier but i know it won't be;-; i'm used to studying a lot but idk if only i feel it as a lot and it actually isn't so we will see😬 and thank u for praying i did really bad lmao so i'm hoping to just get a 45% and i will be good so we shall see in june🥸

EXAMS SUCK SO MUCH ACTUALLY WAHHH;-; my hungarian lit, grammar and history i did surprisingly well i think but i will only know the actual results of them on the 5th of june soooo😬 IM MANIFESTING FOR U AS WELL!!! I HOPE ALL WENT WELL AND WILL GO WELL IF U HAVE LEFT!!!! i hope u are doing well and are taking care of urself as well!!! ahhh it will be only easier in like july so🥲 BUT I HOPE U DID/WILL DO WELL ON THEM!! GOOD LUCK!!!! AND RELAX A LOT AFTER U ARE DONE AS WELL!!!!

AND TODAY OR TOMORROW EXPECT A REVIEW OF UR NEW FIC AND I READ THE SUMMARY AND IM SJHDNFJGKG AND VERY GLAD U HAD THE TIME AND WERE IN THE MOOD TO WRITE🥳🥳🥳🥳(liebestraum anon💓💞)

omg thats def very cute but im more of a cool url kind of girlie 😔😔💔 with how things are going with my writing we'll see if i even use the blog tho but maybe its just my current poor mental health speaking AHAHA also still no review because i SUCK im so sorry 😭😭😭

you can only listen to so much noise music before it gets old imo SJSJAJ i had my strong noise music phase back with stray kids and then nct and the 4th gen but i grew to appreciate calmer songs now ig 😭 like noise music has to be done well to be listenable and thats why i hardly stan 4th gen noise music bgs 💔 nct will forever be the best noise. but im so glad u agree the fits in that perf were so so good the all white ?? magnificent. especially jinyoung. u probably dont know which one he is but thats not important rn HAHA. i think without you will definitely be in my top tracks on spotify for this year ive become so obsessed with the song 😭😭

no i think if u assume youre studying a lot then it actually IS alot bc even now i can say im not studying THAT much but maybe thats bc im a fast learner ??? idk idk. omg is 45% enough to pass there?? 😭 i have to have 65% at least and when i heard that literal med school students only need 50% i almost threw a fit bc how is that possible. how can a psych major need more to pass than a literal ASPIRING DOCTOR. (law majors need 75% tho so that calmed me down really quickly). however i am manifesting for you !!!! im sure u did well and will continue to do well if u have any more exams🤞🤞🤞 i failed one of mine 💀💀💀 but i retook it yesterday and i think i passed this time. i have 2 left and both are kinda difficult but. lets manifest.

[vividaway]

Maybe instead of focusing on Joey and Daniel calling Gabbie out (which is their right. If Gabbie can call out them for what she perceives as bad working conditions, than they have every right to refute her claims), you and the rest of the stans should address the latest information about Bianca that has been brought to light as well as the fact that Gabbie stalked someone online who happened to be underaged.

PLEASE CONSIDER SIGNING TO MAKE BIANCA'S LAW REAL. https://www.change.org/p/bianca-s-law-stop-the-spread-of-violent-and-graphic-images-on-the-internet

BEFORE ALL OF THIS LET ME SAY: your use of Bianca Devins in this disgusting manipulative way is exactly that-- disgusting and manipulative. my twitter messages are open, so to not only track down my tumblr, but ANONYMOUSLY LEAVE A MESSAGE TRYING TO USE BIANCA'S NAME LIKE THIS? DIS-FUCKING-GUSTING.

___

Alright, here's a concept.

It's not Joey and Daniels place to refute Gabbie's claims. Their main point in all of this was "She never filled out the form! It's all her fault!" which is actually irrelevant to the story, seeing as she had told them PERSONALLY. in a FACE TO FACE INTERACTION.

the fact of the matter is, as the showrunner, and literal creator of the show, it is your responsibility to ensure the safety of ALL of your cast and crew. and yes, this does include the mental well-being (of the rest of the cast)--

-- and on that note, i also need to say that them not communicating to Gabbie that she were to be killed off, to me, is just unprofessional. it would have made filming a lot better. like honestly, do you think Gabbie would have been as pissed if she knew she wasn't going to be there again?

and another thing-- if Gabbie acted SO horribly, why did they stay her friend? Collab on her channel? if Gabbie acted SO BADLY during SEASON TWO... why did they invite her back? and if Tana was an issue, why invite HER back? I'm very glad that tana had a better time during season 4, but the fact that they knew BOTH OF THEM were bad on set, yet invited them back? they're literally setting up every other person around them for a toxic work-place experience. I've said it once and it's my next point, too, its un. pro. fessional.

ignoring all of that. literally every single piece of information i've stated above. THERE ARE TWO SOLE REASONS I STAND WITH GABBIE.

1. Joey and Daniel, no matter how horrible Gabbie may have acted, had no right to play out Gabbie's voice memo's where she was expressing that she was EXTREMELY UPSET. that she was dealing with multiple things in her life. They had NO right. Trisha Paytas, of all people, has even heard that voice memo enough to MOCK, AND MAKE FUN OF GABBIE'S EATING DISORDER, PUBLICLY, MULTIPLE TIMES, REFERENCING THE VOICE MEMO. to have the people you WORKED FOR, DO THAT? how could anyone in their cast ever trust them again? who's to say you wont send them a genuinely confidential voice memo, and they STILL decide to share it with people?

2. BECAUSE GABBIE'S MENTAL HEALTH ISNT A CRUTCH, IT ISNT AN EXCUSE, AND IT SURE AS HELL ISNT A JOKE. Gabbie Hanna was on the brink of suicide, she was struggling with an eating disorder, had undiagnosed, unmedicated ADHD, was dealing with immense c-ptsd, and it is ALL. FUCKING. VALID.

for YEARS. I've been told to stop using my Bipolar as a crutch. that i was in therapy for it, and that i needed to use coping mechanisms. i was later diagnosed with BPD-- and suddenly i didn't need to cope anymore. my anger was suddenly understandable. people finally believed me.

you DO NOT. HAVE TO HAVE. A FUCKING GOD DAMN PERSONALITY DISORDER TO BE FUCKING BELIEVED.

ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING?

my BPD WASN'T THE ISSUE.

IT WAS MY ADHD.

its literally wired into our brains, and WE. CANNOT. CONTROL. IT. the ONLY THING WE CAN DO, IS TREAT IT.

to continue to NOT LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHEN THEY ARE CLEARLY EXPRESSING THEIR LIMITS is the reason mental health is in its infancy today. we know when something is too much, and we know when our conditions are causing us to have outbursts, because its something we dont do EVERY SINGLE DAY. we need to realize that ALL. MENTAL. ILLNESSES. EVERY SINGLE ONE.

IS JUST AS IMPORTANT. JUST AS DIFFICULT. AND JUST AS UNIQUE, AS ANY OTHER MENTAL ILLNESS.

with the amount of genetical defects, the amount of nationalities that exist, the amount of co-morbidities, EVERY. SINGLE. THING. THAT MAKES ME DIFFERENT FROM YOU? you GENUINELY expect there to be a person in the world with the EXACT SAME THOUGHT PROCESS, exact same conditions, exact same life circumstances, as me? as Gabbie? as YOU?

there is a reason people with mental illness have a common symptom, no matter the condition. that symptom is the thought that no one in the world can possibly have the same thought process as you. its the symptom that i essentially expressed a paragraph before this one. and its because we realize that THERE ISNT. that it isnt a symptom, but a fact, to us. because you cant thing the way i can. my brain will only ever process the way MY. BRAIN. PROCESSES.

that. is why i stand by Gabbie.

____________________________________________

So, the new information about Bianca Devins? Alright, lets talk about it.

Kim Devins, Bianca's mom, has called for all drama channels to apologize to Gabbie Hanna for the way they treated her in regards to her commenting on Bianca's shirts.

I know you want me to say that it turns out Gabbie is actually manipulating the mother, and Gabbie actually WAS exploiting Bianca---

NO.

KIM DEVINS IS A GROWN WOMAN. KIM DEVINS HAS SAID PUBLICLY, ON HER OWN, PUBLIC TWITTER ACCOUNT, THAT GABBIE HANNA DESERVES AN APOLOGY. KIM DEVINS HAS STATED THAT EVERYTHING GABBIE HAS SAID WAS IN FACT-- THE TRUTH. TO SAY GABBIE IS LYING, IS TO SAY THE MOTHER IS LYING, AS THE MOTHER HAS NOT ONLY APPROVED OF, BUT ENDORSED THE VIDEO.

i know i linked this before everything, but if you haven't already, PLEASE. FUCKING. SIGN.

https://www.change.org/p/bianca-s-law-stop-the-spread-of-violent-and-graphic-images-on-the-internet

_____________________________________________

Yeah uhh..so first off, Gabbie never doxxed ANYONE. as someone who's had their literal home IP leaked-- you shouldn't just throw that term around lightly. its genuinely traumatic for people to be doxxed.

Gabbie did however, grab the IP of someone. she did this, because she was worried it was someone SHE FULLY KNEW, was a danger to minors.

Second off, this was talked about quite awhile ago, in april or may-- she actually did that WELL OVER a year ago. we only know because she talked about it on Marco Polo (an app where you can group video chat and text. it was a perk of one of the tiers of her patreon) and it was leaked recently. so i don't really get your point in that.

Gabbie only did that because of all the minor fans that people were SCREAMING for Gabbie to protect last summer. They blamed Gabbie for certain fans that were getting bullies by anti's, all because Gabbie herself didn't tell people not to. so OF FUCKING COURSE she is going to do anything she can to protect her fans if she FULLY KNOWS a PROPER P*DO is trying to imitate a fan account, and she thinks she found it.

When the IP didn't match with where she knew the gross ass guy lived, she completely discarded it. Honestly, if you're upset with this, you might at well be upset with THIS, too. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JaJqBug10MQ

--------------------------------------------------------

ALL OF THIS TO SAY:

THIS IS A THOMAS SANDERS BLOG

PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT GABBIE HANNA.

[flowerslightning]

The OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) in FF7

This thing actually caught my eyes while reading a few theory about FF7R and the word OCD appear in their certain analysis, in IG, youtube comments and some posts in tumblr too. Dunno why but they always relate Biggs with OCD. I looked back to the scenes where Biggs appear and... Okay, i understand why they thinj Biggs has OCD or perfectionist

A lot of people, including the psych students themselves easily confused with OCD and perfectionist (I got confused by it quite often too). Now, is Biggs OCD or is he just a perfectionist? Let's take a deeper look at it

Biggs is not a famous character. So fans dont really care about him, but I do

Disclaimer : i'm not a psychologist. Im an intern and still studying. Psychiatric is not my major field but i got assigned there as an intern for quite a time and we got exposed a lot about psychology too. We didnt learn them professionally like the real psyche students, we learned (and still under training) through real life experience + a little bit from the books.

So there might be wrong interpretation here and there. Pls correct me if I'm misleading u. And pardon my english. Pls dont use any of these terms to diagnose urself. Remember, I'm a student, not a professional.

I kins of blame the social media for portraying OCD in such a nasty way, when someone with OCD is actually suffering inside.

OCD is not just about 'clean clean, must clean this place till squeaky clean' and OCD is not about being perfectionist. OCD and perfectionist are two different thing.

Perfectionist is more to a demand demeanour, eg "I want the cake to be like this. I want it to be pink. No, not that pink, it must be neon pink with slight purple. Do it again. No, i dont want that pink. Do it again. Ahhh yess, nice pink." Someone with perfectionist, after they got their result, they will immediately bcome calm and satisfied. Perfectionist is obviously different from OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder). OCPD falls under Personality Disorder and it is different from OCD. Im not going to talk about that

Credit goes to crazyheadcomics.

Look at how OCD got spoken from the media perspective. It is very much resemble to Biggs, dont u think? In reality, someone with OCD always feel stress about everything around them, and they will find it hard to complete their task.

OCD has two components - Obsessive and Compulsive

| 1. Obsessive. It is a repeating thoughts about something and often occur until it makes someone feel stress about it. Eg, u think that ur hand will get bacteria infection if u touch a chair, door, fridge or when holding someone's hand. This thought always appear in ur mind everytime u touch the door, chair, fridge or somebody's hand, but when u touch ur shoes, u never think about the bacteria (in certain cases, some patients become scare of everything they touch)

| 2. Compulsive. It is a repeating of the same actions to fulfill the 'obsession' in order to reduce the stress acted upon them. Usually the 'action' has a specific ways in which the patient believe he has to do it like this or that way or else he will fail. Eg, after touching the chair, he will immediately wash his hand 10x from left to right. He believes the hand washing wont be effective if he starts from right to left

Another sign of OCD is when someone re-checking the door lock few times. Its normal for us to re-check once/twice the door lock for confirmation, but for people with OCD, they will re-check the door lock for about 6-10 times and still not feel satisfied and later they stress out. And also the OCD people, they tend to get annoyed when something is not in particular order and they will immediately fix it eventhough they know they're wrong.

I met a funny woman at the hosp arranging our students' books according to its thickness, when I asked her why did she arranged our books like that,

She replied : "Doctor said I have CDO"

Me : "Sorry, CDO? Never heard of it"

She : "It is actually OCD but I feel so stress hearing that term so I put it in alphabetical order. CDO, much better"

We both had a good laugh. Her case was not serious though, but she was feeling miserable with her thoughts and decided to meet a psychiatrist. I would say she was still in early stage for someone with OCD, but may lead to severe if left untreated

It is really hard to satisfy and convince someone with OCD and they always feel stress about something they shouldnt care too much about. U can say OCD is a fastidious type, and they're actually more than that

If we want to relate this condition with Bigg's case., urmm. The only time where I can spot him being different than the other characters is when he's busy sweeping his front house and when he pat Cloud's head during the Sector 7 plate fall.

The cleaning stuff isnt exactly weird thing for a human to do. But it is something odd, I mean, he just finished his mission with Jessie and survived a jump from the plate, and yet he still have the energy to sweep dry leaves, AT NIGHT! He can wait till tomorrow though and should get himself a proper rest.

Wedge says Biggs has a habit of overthinking stuff

And there we see Biggs sweeping the dry leaves. It might be because he is trying to distract himself from doing his bad habit - overthinking. But urm , i think there'll be higher chance for someone to overthink when doing house chore like Biggs is doing. This is where lots of people say Biggs cleaning the house at night is bcause he has OCD or he's a perfectionist.

But I dont think thats the case. For real, he is completely normal. No sign of him acting weird in that scene. If he really does have OCD or he's a perfectionist, we'll see more of him arguing with Barret about unnecessary stuff. He cant become one of Avalanche's strongest member (not exactly strong, but hey, he's trustworthy). Also, if u notice, Biggs have one earring on his right ear. Someone with OCD will feel irritated by it bcause his ear doesnt look 'balance'. OCD people, even in mild case, they want everything about them to be balance and in good order.

After trying to understand Biggs way of thinking and style through his short screentime, I strongly believe this guy has no such thing as OCD or being a perfectionist. Biggs just cares tooooo much about his friends, he thinks 10 times ahead from the bigger picture in which it frightens him about the bad consequences that will occur to people he cherish.

He is the type that always have a back up plan in his mind. He thinks of 5 possible bad things and comes out with 10 solutions. That's the power of an overthinker like Biggs I'll tell ya

Biggs probably cleaning his front house area at night bcause the next early morning, he will need to leave his house for the bombing mission. Better take care of things the night before the big day. He can ditch the cleaning work but he wont do it, not bcause he's a perfectionist/OCD, but try to imagine this, if ur front house is full with dry leaves and rubbish, it will be unpleasant for the neighbours next to ur house to see. Living in the slum means higher chance for u to get sick if u dont take care of ur surrounding hygiene. Biggs is a kind man, and I believe he doesnt want to upset his neighbours

He probably has overthink this matter like "If i dont do this now, I probably dont have time for doing it tomorrow. Maybe I'll broke my leg from the mission and this trash will be left untouched, then there'll be high chance for the children around here to get sick. What if they get infectious disease bcause of this dry leaves? And then the parents will be worried and the Sector 7 Slum will be in chaos etc etc. Time for plan A. Let's clean this place"

Besides, remember the post where I mentioned about Mental Health First Aid? Biggs, as the side character gives the best MFA to Cloud even without knowing what Cloud had gone through. Biggs is just toooo kind with his friends, he cares too much causing him to overthinks about his friends conditions. He can notice even the slightest change in his friend's behaviour and with his own instinct, he cheers for them

Aww man, how can u not love his personality? He's the sweetest side character ever (and kinda hot too).

Soo as the conclusion for my post here, Biggs does not have OCD. He's a side character with a big heart who cares tooooooo deeply about his friends that leads him to overthink too much.

However, if the devs say Biggs really has OCD then my statement about him will be invalid. I'm sure they have put everything in a very close detail look.

Btw, I personally think Biggs kind of portrays the other small side of Cloud, the overthinking part for their romantic partner. But Biggs express his worry through words while Cloud express it through his actions, eg - like how he always keep an eye on Tifa. He never speak it directly like "I'm worry about Tifa, I must help her", he just simply be with her either she needs a help or not. While Biggs clearly says "Jessie been acting weird, I should go if she needs any - help -"

Action speaks louder than words but sometimes our eyes failed to listen.

Alright, that's it. Thanks for being with me till the end.

[wrestledwiththegods]

I see you do yandere requests and 💦 so what do you imagine the darker papas and Copia are like?

Okay. So. Without going too deep into it, in the time between me writing my original rules, and getting this ask- I had a long and meaningful conversation with a friend about yandere and how a lot of its hallmark traits resemble stereotypes of certain mental illnesses. How this has been harmful to those groups, the stigma, etc. Please know this is not me talking down about your ask or saying you cannot enjoy that content, but I've decided to not write that specific thing for my hcs.

That being said, I am still MORE than happy to write villainous or "darker" hcs that dont involve that specific "obsessive" yandere feel. If that makes sense.

Sorry I hope you still enjoy this!

Also note: most of these have multiple outcomes depending upon certain factors. Ill be tagging anything villain or "darker" as darkau so people can blacklist!

Papa Nihil is a mad king type of villain. It's his world, baby, and maximum hedonism is the goal. He may be older but that does not at all stop him from seeking pleasure even at the risk to his own health. Fucks everything that moves. Holds parties to an extravagant degree. Definitely the kind of bad guy to monologue about past exploits and deeds with the turn of his hand like they weren't horrible things to do. We all (read: other people who aren't him) have to make sacrifices for the church. When he first sees you, you seem like a fun new toy, so to speak. "Cute" is the first word to come to mind.

Likely he first tries to buy your affections. A wolfish smile on his face as he asks if you want a taste of the good life. You two could have some fun. Yet even if you say yes, he soon finds its not enough. Why? He asks himself with a frown. He tries harder, takes more of your time if you let him. You get pulled away from work to have meals with him. He actually asks personal questions about *you* that normally he wouldn't give a shit about in a plaything. But you're not just one of those silly siblings of sin he plays around with.

He hasn't felt this way in a very long time. Its the most serious he's felt in a long time. He still wants to fuck around and basically be his worst self, mind you. But he wants you to be at the top with him. You two can burn brightly together, taking in the best of what his awful actions have bought you. This is if you say yes. If you say no… he smiles. No hard feelings! You'll never be forced to do anything you don't want. It's like he turned off his personality at the drop of a hat. You'll still get gifts after that. Feel his eyes on you around the church. The parties get louder, his screwing around more apparent when you walk in a room. Still, you'll feel his focus on you and nothing else. Almost like he's anticipating for you to change your mind. He'll be waiting.

Papa I - Papa I has always been assumed to be the least threatening of the Emeritus family. He likes to garden, kept to himself after getting off stage. Much of his real "work" is private, you see. Whether it's preparing a poor lost lamb for a ritual after they had betrayed the church for some personal gain. Or slowly and intricately cutting into their skin sigils for the Morningstar. Hes even been known as the best if you need a torturer (although thankfully it is rarer in these days).

You probably take his notice when you express interest in one of his many poisonous plants- lily of the valley. Only if ingested, he tells you. But if you think those are beautiful, he has a lot more he can show you- his private collection.

Its shortly after that you find your duties reassigned to his office. Its out of nowhere, but definitely a step up. The way he phrases it to you is that he needs more help with the garden as one of his previous assistants needed a change of pace. And from what he's heard of you plus your interest, you seem perfect for the job! Really, he just craves to be beside you. Listen to you chatter as you both work the soil, see the sweat roll down your neck on hot days-

The difference between Papa I and everyone else on the list here is that he probably won't make a grand move or gesture. He pines. Hopes that you'll see his feelings and his darkness and love all of it. But deep down he knows how unlikely that is. That one day he'll show you the beauty of ritual hands on. See the blood glisten oh-so-beautifully on your skin. He still sighs happily thinking on it.

If you never express feelings for him, he basically devotes himself to making your life better, in his perspective. Changes your work schedule so its timed well for you to get a good night's rest. Looks out for things you might *need.* If there is anything you want to learn, he's more than happy to show you himself or help you get the resources you need. When it might get bad is when someone expresses interest in you, or you to someone. Ah… well. They're just not good enough for you. Not in his mind. He'll tell you rumors he's heard. Talk to them directly to get them to back off. He has an entire checklist in his mind that they have to meet. Pretty much no one will.

If someone does (its possible but unlikely), however, he feels his heart break. He still pines. And longs. But he lets you go to that person. After all, no matter what horrible things hes done, he wants you to be happy. His heartache is worth that.

Papa II- Papa II as a villain is actually a lot closer to the steteotypes and rumors about him normally- ruthless, cold, and seemingly doesn't care about others. He has this anger deep in his core that is never fully expressed. Truly, he is a sadist in that he usually enjoys the pain of others at his hands. Likes helping out on those rare occasions torture is a thing with Papa I in the lower underground sections of the church. Always seems like hes looking for someone to punish, and usually in a very unpleasant way. Yes, this has extended to death if he deems the "crime" severe enough. The sadism extends into the bedroom for harsh "games"- however he's not a monster when it comes to sexual partners. Still gives them aftercare, even if its a tad on the unfeeling side and more out of obligation.

It probably wasn't just one thing that put you in his sights. He noticed you one day probably doing something kind and kept running into you. He likes picturing your heart racing when you see him, like prey in the face of danger. Over time he starts developing a fondess that he can't quite deny. It's strange. Its been so long since he's genuinely felt this way about anyone, he doesn't know how to react at first. So he pulls out some stops. You get letters, at first, delivered by a ghoul. Later they come with expensive gifts he thinks you'll look good in or enjoy. You should wear it. It pleases him so much to see wear something he got you. Its sort of a subtle claim in his mind. He does expect replies delivered to a certain ghoul or place. Eventually the ghoul comes and there isn't a letter. You're being summoned.

He asks you straightforward to be his prime mover. He's honest in his intentions that he wants you exclusive only to him. He would give you the same if you asked. In fact, he would give you almost anything if you asked. At first this might all seem business but you might notice the slight flush in his cheeks, the unusual hesitation in his voice- little tells. Also the fact he's never asked anyone to be his prime mover, as far as you know. If you say yes, you find he's more gentle when its just the two of you. He has this warm smile in bed you'll catch. He kisses your forehead softly and its this aching tenderness. When others are around, no one would ever know.

If you say no, you are dismissed and he thanks you for your time. Its as if you don't exist to him after that. He just… walks past you like a ghost. Won't acknowledge you if you were to say anything, though I certainly wouldn't. Basically the walls he let down for a brief moment are back up and reinforced. It hurts to see you around, but hes stronger than that. There are things to do in the church. He'll take out these feelings on someone else.

Papa III- As a villain, Papa III is a siren. He's beautiful, says all the right things and pulls lost souls down to the depths with him. On a quick glance, he just seems like someone very devout to the principles of the church and/or hedonistic party guy. His favorite thing to do is lure new people to the church, have them do horrible things and then offer shelter from the other world who will no longer accept them. All with a cute wink or a few silver laced words. This applies to his relationships. He moves fast and likes whoever is interesting at the time- platonic, romantic, alliances. If he decides you're not fun anymore, you get a kick to the curb if the former. The latter usually just ends up to some horrible fate. He thrives on people wanting him so badly they would do anything.

Which is why you as a concept is frustrating. Likely he's already picked you up as someone to have around as a casual fuck or in his "entourage", so to speak. He doesn't fuck around when he wants someone. But you've lasted so long, held his interest. There's a shitty little mercurial part of him that keeps denying what should be obvious. Some days he thinks he'll get rid of you in the morning. Other days he thinks how he can't live without you. He probably has his epiphany when someone else suggests it might be time for you to go. His reaction is filled with anger and aggression. The person seemingly disappeared the next day.

Suddenly he'll be a lot more affectionate. Act like you're his partner in how he conducts himself instead of a follower. All his other sex partners are dumped but not replaced. He asks you be exclusive and practically fucks you to oblivion when you agree. He took after his father in the wolfish smile department. That's what you get from him if you start questioning any of this. Why wouldn't he? You're his favorite. He loves you. The truth of the matter is, even if you didn't love him back, as long as you don't betray him- it stays like this. He adores you and wants you at his side.

If you had answered no to any of it in the first place, he would have gone on without a thought. Oh well!

Papa Copia- Copia is pulling all the strings. He has been for quite a long time. That's why he's papa now, no? Everything and everyone is bent to his will, at least for now until they need another reminder. He's had others killed or just plain framed to get them out of his way. But through it all, the shy and incredibly awkward mannerisms he exaggerated to put peoples guards down, were the most real around you. In gatherings in the church he'd find himself staring, quiet and calculating. He'd slip into fancies about what it would be like to have you romantically. Something about you makes him feel… like an ordinary man. The vulnerability made his heart race and dangle over an imaginary precipice.

Once the new Papacy is official, he comes to you, privately. No, you're not in trouble, he smiles and gives a nervous laugh. He has a proposal. He wants you to be his prime mover. His jewel above all others. If you accept, you'll be treated like royalty in the church. Hanging on his arm at events where no one would dare to touch you or speak ill of you. Sometimes when you're alone he just likes to hold you. Out of all the terrible, rotten things on this earth, you're actually his. Once he realizes he can trust you, he tends to have more vulnerable moments. Things he's probably never told anyone. No matter how stained his hands, he will make sure you are never hurt.

However, you're free to tell him no- He'll be shocked, perhaps try to charm his way. If you still say no, he leaves to think on it. As much as it pains him, if he cannot have you, he would rather not see you at all. He's not going to kill you or hurt you though, no- you might think so for a moment when you're pulled into his office with Imperator behind him. Instead he tells you with some regret that you are to be transferred to another church. He'll miss you, as will the members of the main church of course. But you're needed elsewhere. That's it. As if it was just routine. The next week you leave and he watches you from a window, something in his chest aching. You are his soft spot. And he can't risk having that exposed if he can't have you.

[asynca]

(1/4)Hi auntie! I have a dilemma and I'd like your opinion as a professional and as someone who is also in therapy. I started seeing my therapist 2 years ago, and after a good year of being at rock fucking bottom I started seeing incredible results. Nowadays I'm functional for the first time in my life, I can finally be a good friend and a reliable person and I've taken hard but necessary decisions regarding my family. All that to say that therapy has been obviously good to me.

(2/4)However I’ve recently been feeling not so good about it. I’ve recently spaced out the sessions (which is great!) But I’ve started feeling bad about something and i dont know if it’s due to some projection or if it’s legit. My therapist is new to the job (which worked for me since I like his approach and ive had traumatizing experience with older mental health professionals). I’ve also had to educate him on queer issues which I dont mind that much since I have other support systems for that.

(¾)But because of that and the fact that I think I was one of his first patients, I feel like our dynamic changed recently and I’m not comfortable with it. Last time I saw him he talked about his own issues and although it was to paint a parallel with something I was talking about, I immediately felt queasy. Thing is I’ve been told by a lot of people that therapists would manipulate me and even though most days now I can tell its bs, this one shift in dynamic last time really shook me.

(4/4)Idk how to tell him I was uncomfortable, and also I have the suspicion he doesnt have a therapist himself (and something recent happened in his life) This is messy but I’ve had a hard time figuring out why i feel so bad and i think it’s that I’m afraid of being taken advantage of, which sounds far stretched but I come from a traumatized home with paranoid parents so yeah. Idk what level of familiarity is acceptable in this situation and what’s bad practice. Do you have any advice?

Okay I can tell you exactly what is happening here.

As a counsellor, it’s important to set boundaries with clients. I want my clients to see me as a professional, not really as a whole person. I am a resource to them and it’s not important for them to know very much about me beyond how I work and what I can do for them. I am careful not to be too familiar or casually friendly with clients. I am careful not to see them outside work. I am careful not to discuss my private life or my own issues except EXTREMELY sparingly where I think an example may be useful (and even then, I typically phrase my own discoveries as ‘something other people have found useful is …’). I am also careful to tell my clients what I can and can’t do for them, and police those limits. If you like a client, or if a client is particularly needy (which is not the case for you, but as an example), it’s extremely tempting to step over those boundary lines you set and either a) do things that are not within your role for a client, or b) get too friendly with them and step down from from being a professional service provider into a more friendship-peer role. 

That’s what’s happening here. You’re uncomfortable because you still see this person as your 100% professional therapist, but you can feel a boundary is being eroded because this person is beginning to either see you as a friend or see you as something other than a client. 

It seems as if they are overwhelmed by their own issues and it’s beginning to bleed into their work, too, which definitely necessitates some therapy themselves. I’d be extremely surprised if this personal doesn’t have their own counsellor/therapist, as for most registration bodies here you’re required to also have your own therapist to practice. This probably means they aren’t getting what they need from their own therapy or they’re overwhelmed by something in their own life and haven’t managed to realise that and contain it yet. 

As for you as a client, it is perfectly natural for you to feel uncomfortable when your therapist crosses a professional line! This is also very common for new therapists to make this mistake! I’m sorry it’s been made on you. Clients should typically never have to think about their own therapist’s personal lives or problems so it’s a pity that wall has been broken. 

It’s very unlikely your therapist is manipulating you. Your therapist just hasn’t set their own personal boundaries well. You’re only being taken advantage of in that you’re paying a therapist to also talk about their own issues - I don’t think your therapist may even be aware this is happening. 

What happens next is really up to you. This is a really tough one to address, because often if you say to someone, “I think a boundary has been eroded here,” they can get a bit defensive (although I’d like to think counsellors would be more self-reflective than this!). 

You could try, “Perhaps this is something you could discuss with your own therapist,” if they start bringing up their own issues, too. 

A sort of gentle way to continue service is to start the next session with your counsellor (if you’d like to continue with them) with, “I’d like to talk about what I need from this service, what goals I have, and how we reach them,” and remind your counsellor this is a professional session without actually saying it. You can even say, “I’ve had a think about what I need from this and I’ve written a list of techniques you use that I found really helpful, and things that I personally find less helpful,” and on the ‘less helpful’ list, you can include “too many personal examples from your own life” or something. This has the added benefit of also letting your therapist know what DOES work. 

It is possible to just change counsellors, or just openly say, “I don’t want to be too familiar with you, if that’s okay,” but again, that’s a really tough conversation to have with your counsellor. 

However, if you feel up to it, you can absolutely have an open and transparent discussion wiht them exactly like you’ve had with me. Just say it makes you uncomfortable and it doesn’t work for you. Hopefully addressing the issue won’t cause any problems in your therapeutic relationship. I’d like to think my clients would feel comfortable in openly telling me if I was getting too familiar! 

Anyway, I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. As I mentioned, it’s very common with new therapists so please don’t feel like you contributed to it in any way except obviously by being a likeable person and easy to talk to :)

[thechangeling]

For better or worse, I am alive.

So basically my brain is being a jerk again and making me suicidal. So I decided to repost this.

Set after QOAAD.

Sometimes mornings just hurt.

Kit had no explanation as to why.

There were just days when he opened his eyes and the burden of the day ahead was simply too much to bare.

Today was one of those days.

I'll just sleep for a few more minutes. I just need a little more time. Just a little longer.

Then five minutes would become ten and ten became twenty and suddenly a whole hour had gone by. The heaviness in his heart growing by the second.

Expectations hurt.

Like the way Tessa looked at him sometimes with a glowing smile. Like she was seeing someone else through him. Caught up in her own fond memories. Wanting him to be like the Herondales she lost.

Be brave and strong. Be the perfect warrior like Jace or a hero like Will. Everyone's counting on you. Don't be weak.

Don't be weak.

Herondales weren't weak.

Kit wished he didn't view his feelings as a weakness. He wished he could give himself the same love and empathy he felt for Ty.

But he just couldn't.

Logically he knew that just like Ty's autism, his feelings which seemed to be symptoms of depression, were beyond his control. And yet still he could hear those harsh, jagged words forming in the back of his mind.

Weak. Pathetic. He doesnt love you. He never will.

No one loves you.

It was moments like this when Kit remembered what Julian had said to him about Ty's differences.

There are shadowhunters who can barely get out of bed and there are shadowhunters who find that the words float off the page when they try to read. The clave is aware of these things, but they push these people into the background. They're considered the dregs of the nephilum community. I never wanted that for Ty. They can never know.

The dregs of nephilum community.

No one would have dared to imagine that a Herondale could be one of those people. Different. Not at all falling into their little cooker cutter idea of a perfect angelic warrior.

It was the same kind of thinking that led most people to assume Kit was straight. No he couldn't possibly be "like that".

Fucking small minded babies. All of them.

Memories hurt.

Memories of Ty's smile, his laughter and all his quirks.

Then the memories of Ty raising Livvy from the dead. Pleading with him. Telling Ty that he loved him. He knew it was a bad idea and he knew Ty wouldn't say it back and he knew he was being pathetic and selfish and now he was sinking again.

Kit never really knew what it was like to be loved. He never had a mother growing up and looking back on his relationship with his father, he was almost positive that he had never really loved Kit. At least not the way the Blackthorns loved each other. He shouldn't have let himself crave Ty's love. It would never happen

However, he still let himself hope. Maybe this time things could be different. Maybe this time the pain wouldn't win. But it did. It won in the form of anger. Kit allowed the darkest parts of his mind to transform the heartbreak into anger.

Anger was easier. Anger hurt less then the truth.

I wish I never met you.

A fucking lie.

I love you. I need you. I feel like I'm drowning, I've been drowning my whole life and you're the only thing that makes it better. Things don't hurt as much when you look at me. I'm sorry I know you're dealing with a lot but I need to talk to you. I need to talk to someone.

No. He could never say any of that. He couldn't tell anyone.

Kit rolled over in bed and checked the clock on his nightstand.

3pm. Jesus christ.

Pathetic. Worthless.

Kit squeezed his eyes shut and put a pillow over his head.

I can't do it. I can't do anything.

A knock on his bedroom door jolted him out of his thoughts. "Kit?" Tessa called apprehensively, "Are you alright?"

She didn't sound angry or even exasperated.

She sounds worried.

Worry. Pitty.

These were things worse then hostility. It made everything harder.

"Kit? I'm coming in." The door swung open to reveal a frazzled looking Tessa. Her brown hair had been tossed up in a messy bun and she wore baggy excersise clothes to accommodate her rather large baby bump. Any day now Tessa and Jem would have a child of their own. They probably wouldn't want him around any more.

"Sorry, you didn't answer me" Tessa spoke tentatively, almost as if she was afraid to break him. "Its been one hell of a day. Jem and I are trying to finish the nursery."

Kit looked down avoiding her eyes. "I'm sorry" he breathed out, unable to speak any louder then just above a whisper. It would require too much effort. " I just dont feel well".

I just dont feel well.

I think I'm sick.

These are the phrases Kit kept repeating over and over again. Different ways to tell Tessa how he was feeling without actually telling her.

Tessa sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed beside him. "Ok, but it seems like you haven't been feeling well for awhile now" Tessa explained worridly. "If you need to talk about anything, I'm here." Tessa gave him a comforting smile. Kit was still trying to avoid looking her in the eye.

Why is this so hard? She might understand.

No, She won't. No one will.

Kit could feel his eyes beginning to water. Tessa gently rested a hand on his shoulder. She was biting her lip in contemplation as if deciding what to say.

"Kit listen" she began. " let's say supposedly you had something wrong with your physical health. Maybe a heart defect or a brain tumor or something".

Kit looked up slightly alarmed, "but I dont have a brain tumor?" He cocked his head slightly in confusion.

Tessa looked like she was fighting a smile. "No, but just bear with me here ok?" She pulled her legs up onto the bed so she was sitting crosslegged and then took a deep breath Kit felt the urge to apologize, but instead shook it off. Maybe she wasn't annoyed. Perhaps this was something completely different then Tessa telling him off.

"So, as I was saying" she continued, " if you had something wrong with your physical health you would do your best to seek treatment or talk to a doctor. Right? Or at the very least, you would tell someone".

Kit wasn't sure if he was supposed to answer

"I guess yeah. But I dont get what this has to do with anything" Kit replied hesitantly.

Tessa gently took his hand. " My point is, if you would seek help for a physical problem then why wouldn't you do the same for your mental health?"

Kit inhaled sharply. She wasn't supposed to know. Perhaps he wasn't being as discreet as he thought. His instincts were telling him to deflect or deny it. Do something to make her stop looking at him like that.

But the minute he opened his mouth, he was hit by a wave of lethargy and all that came out was a slow and quiet exhale. Barely noticable to the human ear.

That was all he was capable of managing to defend himself. He was just too tired.

Tessa began to rub slow circles against his back as a comforting gesture. "Hey" she whispered soothingly. "Its gonna be ok. You'll be fine, we can get you help." Kit lifted his lead back up and turned towards Tessa to meet her eyes. " I thought shadowhunters weren't supposed to go to therapy?" Kit asked with a slight hint of hostility. Which he instantly regretted. Tessa remained unfazed and continued to smile at him sympathetically. "Yes well we aren't exactly a part of shadowhunter culture right now, and even if we were, nephilum attitudes towards therapy are something that needs to change as soon as possible." Kit nodded along, behaving almost as if he was in some sort of trance. Not fully processing what Tessa was saying. He could hear her continuing on with her reassurances, making plans and promises. He wanted to be happy someone cared enough to try and help him.

But he just couldn't feel it.

"I dont know" Kit deflected, turning his head away. " I just don't know if it'll help, I feel like nothing I do makes anything better".

Tessa was silent.

Sensing a pause in the conversation, Kit layed back down horizontally on top of the bed. Just talking alone seemed to take a lot out of him. He waited for Tessa to say something but there was only silence.

Silence, and then "you should talk to Will".

Now that defenetly got Kit's attention. He shot back up like a rocket and turned to face Tessa again. At first he thought maybe it was some attempt at humor but she looked deadly serious.

"Talk to Will? How?" Kit asked, furrowing his brow in confusion.

Tessa rolled her eyes fondly while still maintaining a small smile. "Kit, I know you can see ghosts. Every Herondale can. So that means you should also be able to see Will and I think he could help you. He has dealt with feelings like yours before. You could almost say that mental illness might be a bit of a Herondale family trait."

Before Kit could respond. Tessa was standing up. " I need to start thinking about what we're having for dinner later and I need to call Magnus. If you want to talk to either me or Jem, we will be in the living room. But I would reccomend taking my advice." Tessa finished, rolling back her shoulders and shaking out the kinks in her upper back and arms. She started towards the door.

"Wait." Kit called after her. Tessa paused to listen. Kit drew all the strength he had to conjure up a smile. "Thank you."

Tessa returned his smile, "Your welcome sweetheart." Then she turned and disappeared down the hallway.

Kit lay back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He had a feelings things still wouldn't be easy, but for the first time in awhile he was experiencing something besides the empty blackness. Something completely different.

Hope.

[mental-health-advice]

Submission from 🌺

I don’t know about having DID or OSDD. I feel if anything OSDD would be more likely tho due to me still being conscious usually idk. My therapist has noted down “Dissociative Symptoms” for me thus far alongside depression and anxiety. I however dont think I even have bad enough trauma for it? I dont remember most of my childhood. Only things I KNOW caused trauma before I was 7 was my mom yelling a lot, at the time also hitting/spanking me as well as possibly the fact she (1/? 🦚🌺)

washed out my mouth with soap at that age. Like when I said swear words and stuff. I doubt that’s bad enough tho. Things that I can’t remember/ remember fully happening but have been told or know happened was my grandmother apparently spanking me until I cried myself to sleep as an infant, my bullying starting at 6-7yo which carried on into my late teens… and 2 of my best friends being the ones to start it. Also loosing contact with another best friend in kindergarten affected me (2/?🦚🌺)

For s long time after. He wasn’t good at German so he got moved to another kindergarten that would teach him. Tho I don’t think I can consider a friend being ripped from me like that trauma? Idk. There is more traumatic stuff I actually semi recall but that was all when I was over 7 which I think is the latest for a kids brain to develop DID/OSDD. So idk if anything was bad enough and honestly don’t want to self diagnose even tho I’ve been suspicious (3/?🦚🌺)

(reason why I say parts instead of Alters) EitherWayThingsGotWorseAndMyMotherLiterallyThrethenedMeWithMurderAndSaidAllMyFriendsShouldCommitSuicide. Everytime I freeze in my fight/flight/freeze/fawn response and then sometimes fawn happens if I am locked somewhere where they cant reach me. Here only freeze tho. She stood right ahice me who was cowering in a corner and kept saying I literally can’t get up and walk off and then screamed st her to not touch me (4?/? I cant count hhhh 🌺🦚)

She claimed I would just try to sue her if she dared touch me and then mocked me because I cant call people about how she needs to call the police on herself FOR me. I literally haven’t wanted to kill myself that badly as this day in a bit and I honestly am shaking just thinking about it. Like I said ice pretty much almost fully diagnosed depression and anxiety, professionally assumed dissociative symptoms and on top of that not professionally assumed autism tho mom and I assume (5/?🌺🦚)

It for different reasons. She because of how I shut down when a situation is too much and how I cant handle being tasked with multiple things at once/breaking the order of what I’m doing and I due to how I struggle to read human emotions and realizing how to function like a normal person. I can accidentally completely hurt someone and be completely oblivious to it, doing it again and again until told off. And then I accidentally hurt them in another way because I’m scared I’ll do (6/?🌺🦚)

It again. Example: I’m bety clingy due to trauma in my mid teens regarding some friends. I didn’t realize I was being too much until my friend distanced herself causing me to break down in fear of loosing her. She admitted I had been too clingy. I ended up distancing myself - scared of overwhelming her again if I talk to her. It took me 2 whole months to even tell her I love her again. Now she admitted I’ve been a bit too distant which I already was aware of but still (7?/?🌺🦚)

I literally didn’t even dare ask her how she is doing for TWO MONTHS thinking she would leave me if I started clinging again. I hyper fixated on her a lot last year which I realized when she said it was too much. I’m slowly trying to at least check up on her again. I beg her to communicate to me if I fuck up ANYTHING because I literally am blind to it but I feel she thinks she hurts me if she does. What more am I supposed to do than tell her “hey I cant understand normal human (8/?🌺🦚)

interaction so please tell me if I’m being weird!”? Like I said before, I don’t want to self diagnose. It’s just that this plus generally my hyper fixations with people and games/shows is a little suspicious in the long run if that makes sense. My brother also has adhd so it’s not as if its impossible for some other stuff to be in our family, y'know? I’ll see where therapy takes me for now tho. I started rambling again, didn’t I? Sorry about that! (8?/?🦚🌺)

But yeah in short I’ve trauma but most is from after the “requirement” age for DID/OSDD plus I’ve many other mental issues either confirmed or suspected. Who knows maybe my mother is right and I belong locked up in a mental institution from the movies instead of how they actually are. According to her I’m just a disgusting liar who deserves to be suffocated anyways. — Also I’ve honestly kept asking myself if I’m just making up the parts. I used to have imaginary friends as a kid (9/?🦚🌺)

Who my mother forbid me to talk to as I was being “weird”. Maybe it’s just that again? Or maybe I’m not making it up and some of those imaginary friends were parts? Idk. What I know is that one of them literally was more like a mother to me than my own mother. I recently had a dream about them - before the parts returned really - where I called that one imaginary friend “mom” and said I missed her. I cried. I didn’t want to wake up.I struggle to stay on track with this I’m sorry (10/?🦚🌺)

Either way, I apolagize for rambling, being a mess and being all over the place. I honestly just made myself cry again at this rate and yeah… I kinda banned 2 of my browsers from sending aska for an hour rip (final)🦚🌺

Hey there again!

Please don’t feel bad at all for talking so much and every now and again rambling. I am glad that you feel comfortable and safe in speaking with us as it’s so important that you do have someone you can talk to regardless of what you may need/ want to say.

In regards to the trauma that you have endured both as a child and whilst growing up, it’s important that you know that we all handle trauma differently from others and sometimes, even a little bit of trauma that feels like nothing can have lifelong impact on you and who you grow up to be. I also do not think that you belong in a mental health hospital long term either, whether you believe it or not you are doing the very best you can right now and right now that’s enough. Just remember that talking can be so helpful no matter if it’s your therapist you talk to, a counsellor from either a helpline or on web counselling, a close friend or even us! Never feel like you aren’t good enough to be able to talk to another, you’re so important in life and you deserve the very best!

In regards to possible diagnosis’ that you may have, it can be quite hard at times to be properly diagnosed by a professional as some diagnosis’ may have the same or similar symptoms as another and not only this but sometimes a diagnosis can also coexist with another making symptoms that you may be having worse and consequently blurring what diagnosis you may have. Does that make sense?

I’m so sorry that your Mum treats you as she does, you do not deserve this at all. Have you been able to talk to anyone about this as yet?

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please know that you are not alone and that I’m thinking of you!

Take care,

Lauren

[sweet-potatoq]

Thoughts on the untamed cast? 💕💕💕 Anybody still friends? The ones that have Instagram don’t follow each other 😞 Anybody dating? I would be surprised if there were like 3 or 4 couples from the cast ❤️ Any that don’t like each other? Any drama? I heard about the one that abused his girlfriend 😑

OOO the untamed cast is PERFECT!!! and no im not being biased because truly, from an acting perspective, all of them embodied their characters so well and gave the best performance ive ever seen. you could see the love and thought each actor put into studying their character, no matter what role. as a theatre kid, i really could never HAHAHA

id like to think theyre all still friends and keep in touch with one another. though sad, it is a possibility that they dont talk as often as before, but it doesnt mean that theyre not friends anymore. thats just how life works and considering their busy jobs and schedules, i doubt they could hangout together at the same time.

if anybody is dating anybody, then thats their business. i dont mind real person shipping, and i do ship some people irl. however, i think its important to separate the reality and the imaginary. if they are, thats great! good for them, im happy for them. but if theyre not, then thats also okay!! theyre good friends and thats enough for me.

about the drama 👀👀👀 all i gotta say is yIKES. when it comes to drama, i keep a neutral ground because i dont know the full details, i dont know whats right and whats wrong, so who am i to assume and choose a side?? regarding that, i dont know the whole story and from what VERY little ive heard, i kind of sympathise and am disappointed with both parties. but id rather not dive into it because its not my business in the first place. also its bad for my heart and mental health SKKSKS

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

possible tw for csa and abuse and suicidal thoughts

right before my boyfriend and i got together a couple years ago i told him about my trauma and stuff (mostly about what my stepdad did) and he was very supportive of it then, but now these days i feel like i cant go to him for it anymore. i do understand that knowing your loved one went through something so awful can be very painful, but i honestly find myself regretting i told him. my bf and stepdad met on bad terms (stepdad was very disrespectful) and my bf brings that up often and rants about how much he hates him for disrespecting him and goes into detail about how he wants to fight and/or hurt him which is triggering for me (he knows it upsets me). when he does bring up what stepdad did to me (usually when venting about his life after we are making up after an argument of sorts) he tends to say that my pain became his pain because of love and that he probably thinks about it and hurts from it more than i do (which felt really bad to hear in many ways especially since i was the one that went through it and it still very negatively impacts me and my life) and tells me about how it all affects his life and how much he wants to fight/hurt him and he had said that just hearing about stuff he did makes him wanna fight/hurt him so hes not ready to hear it and it all makes me feel like i burdened him by telling him and that im dragging him down and making his situation worse and i feel both guilty for my trauma hurting him so much but i also feel hurt by how he goes about it. any advice/support would be super wonderful because i dont know what to think or do and its been contributing to me feeling suicidal lately (which i also cant tell him about because whenever i would try id just end up comforting him because he would say things like he feels like a bad boyfriend and whats the point of him being there if he cant help me etc). thank you guys so much

Hello!

For starters, thank you for opening up to us!

I'd like to start by saying that I hope you don't view yourself as the issue here, because that's not how I see it at all!

I totally see where all parties are coming from. My wife doesn't like my brother very much, due in no small part to how he treated me growing up. I'm the same with regards to her mother. However, our interactions are almost always, at the bare minimum, civil.

Your venting to your boyfriend shouldn't end in you having to console him. This, to me anyway, sounds like a case of emotion immaturity. You are not doing anything wrong by opening up to him. Communication and being able to speak freely is key to any good working relationship!

You feeling suicidal over the situation is obviously a huge deal, and, as uncomfortable as it may be, is something that you probably should talk about. He would want to know if he could help in any way, and would appreciate the chance to do so. It sounds like he cares for you a great deal!

What I do personally whenever I have a difficult topic to discuss, first and foremost I make sure I'm in a good headspace to be able to approach the topic calmly and objectively. Then I would just preface the conversation by saying "I'm not mad or upset, however, something needs to be said about _____X". And if things start veering off into it becoming about him again, gently, but firmly guide the conversation back on track to you and your needs.

Relationships are give and take. You have to have your needs addressed too. You are deserving of respect, and to be really listened to. You're feelings matter just as much!

Not telling you what to do here or anything, cause it's very much not my place, but my suggestion would be, try that out and see how it goes. And if things improve, awesome! That's exactly what we hope for! If things continue to stay the same, and you still feel like this, for your own mental health, I would consider moving on. Again, for the sake of your own health.

I really hope you find something in here useful, and wish you the very best of outcomes!

Sincerely - Mod Red

[hol-eage]

hi, I'm in my 20s and female and have had a lot of mental disorder diagnoses throughout my life and almost every psychologist I've seen has said I should get tested for autism, however I haven't. and now I'm older I find myself relating very heavily with autistic traits in women and I'm like wow I'm definitely probs autistic, what do you think the perks of actually being diagnosed are and would u reccomend it

Hi sweetheart! I’m 25 just for ref, I would fully recommend it if possible, some reasons are:

You have something solid to show your friends/family/employer that will make them listen and (fucking hopefully) respect your problems and needs

For me it gives me a deep deep sense of relief

There are somethings that just didnt make sense when i thought i was just mentally ill,

I couldnt understand why everyone around me seemed to be able to make their way through the world

It lead me to being extremely suicidal, just the idea of staying alive as i was, was heartbreaking. I was furious with myself that i couldnt work shifts without turning mute (burnout, shutdowns and nonverbal periods), couldnt cook myself basic meals (executive dysfunction), couldnt make friends and was constantly isolated in social settings, couldnt have a romantic partner (touch aversion),

I thought i was wrong somehow, bad, a bad person

And then......

finding out that im just autistic,

just an autistic girl who had no support structure (or the wrong one), it was the most beautiful thing,

Suddenly i made sense to myself, i could value myself and my experiences

If mental health professionals are treating your shut downs/melt downs as anxiety (tho lots of autistic people have anxiety too!) then they will be giving you the Wrong guidance, unlike anxiety you Cant Push Through Shut Downs, the more you push yourself the more you hurt yourself

Mental health professionals insisted that i MUSt be thinking something when i burst into tears and melted down, before they knew that it was sensory based,

I remember this one summer day,

My headphones had broken and the sun was bright bright, i went to walk up a busy street that i walked up everyday to get coffee, half way up the hill i started sobbing

It hit me then that it was the sunlight and traffic sounds, something so ordinary had me wanting to crawl into the smallest dark space i could find,

It makes a world of difference to KNOW whats wrong,

Now i never leave the house with out headphones,

I always have a hat if its sunny

And now i never cry like that

Sure i still have sensory meltdowns but theyre in more complex situations than simply existing

I dont know where you live but im receiving so much support, even in the uk it changes region to region but i have a team who look after me, my nurse coordinator, occupational therapist, consultant and therapist

Theyre giving me cbt with the expectation that i wont reach neurotypical goals, never telling me im not doing well enough

Sensory groups to teach me how to sensory regulate etc

Among other plans for the future

(And for me personally i need medication to stay safe, they found the right ones for me that turned my world upside down)

Most of all it gave me the vocabulary to understand myself

I encourage you with my whole heart to learn about yourself, learn how to sensory regulate, learn what support you need, learn what to avoid and how far to push yourself, learn how to make a stable environments with routines,

You need it to keep you safe

Though, if you dont have the power to get a diagnosis because of your situation, then i fully support self diagnosis, if you haven’t already then use the information in the online autistic community to teach you how to look after yourself, communicate your needs and keep yourself safe

If you have any any any more questions im here, caring and rooting for you

[completleymessy01]

7.5.20

Hi. I have alot to talk about, and idk if i will get to everything. Alot has happened since my last post. We are still on lockdown, im bored, but liking my new life more than my old one. I have managed to lose quite alot of weight, and im worried that ive reached my peak and wont be able to lose any more wieght. When really, i still need to lose atleast another 2-3kg. I believe in myself though. Im going to push through and really try hard to lose the remaining weight. Im saying this because today i ate rather unhealthy and had like four cookies. I actually have a “ sugar:” heacahe, which is a sore head i get when i have had too much junk food. My weight is just one of the many things on my mind. My father got arrested around a month ago and I have had no sort of contact with him. I miss him so much. I have to wait till atleast july 6th before i can speak to him. Whats so frustrating is that no one tells me shit. I dont know why i cant see him till then, all i knwo is that if i do, he will go to prison. That some mean shit right there. I have all these people telling me its a good thing he isnt in my life anymore.Saying that i have been abused and shouldnt want him in my life . But what they dont seem to understand is that he is me and im him. I am atleats 50% of him. Which terrifies me, i see it when i look into the mirror. His eyes, his lips, his resting face. I see it in my emotions. the anger that burns inside, when i shout at my brother i worry i will shout at my kids, abuse my kids, the same way my father abused me. Thats why i stand by his side. because i wish that my kids will stand by my side if i was to ever abuse them. Its like ive already decdied that i will be an awful mother. Like my father was to me. People tell me im nothing like him, but i know i am. I am different from others. I dont really feel much. and that scares the shit out of me. Tonight i feel lonley, and sorta wish i had a boyfriend lying next to me. A man in my life who would protect me from my father, and not let anyone treat me like shit or abuse me. Someone to hold me, look after me, look after my mum. I have this oveerwhelming feeling to care and nurture my mother and my brother. Like its my responsbility to look after them,my mother doesnt have any money and we are poor without my step dad. i wish i could make money somehow and provide for my family. One day i will. i swear to it. Being a victim of abuse has made me stronger. People at school, think im just the blonde pretty girl who has no personality and is dramatic. I can garantee im not. My father is a convict, my mother is stuck in a relationship for money, my brother suffers from multiple mental health issues. Dont even get started on me. Theres this one girl in my year, for some reason she really irritates me. I mean, she is pretty normal. Has lots of friends that are girls and boys, posts tik toks, is an old friend of my bestest friends. But she annoys me. She is a clear example of a privelledged person in my year who has no clue of the real world, and probably never will. She is popular, and whne ur popular u have so much power its insane. Im not popular. I dont know why, but i dont have alot of friends, When i do make a friend, they often say to me “ jeez your not as bad as everyone makes out” my heart always sinks. What is it about me thats so awful? I mean its probably the fact that i wear a mask to school, i act confident, smart, your tyypical dramatic teenage girl, when really im not confident, i dont think im smart and really nothing fucking fazes me. I sometimes think about posting online “ guess what? Just thought i would let you know i was abused all my life, emotionally and physcially by my dad, and now he has been arrested, so no, im not some fdramatic brat that has no clue, i know more about the real world than any of you” that would make me happy for about two seconds until i am then percieved as the attention seeking bitch. i mean, i swear you cant win in high school. I found out my classes for next year, there is this boy in one of my classes that i used to have a thing for, we talked at parties, over snpachat, but then out of nowhere he started dating some girl that was really popular and i guess u could say “edgy” however i was used to never getting the boy i liked so i moved on. But now he is in one of my three classes and i really cant afford to be distracted. Netx year is going to be the best year, i will hopefully be skinny, be applying to uni, be making friends, going to parties, possibly even a boyfriend. Although i am extremley picky, and the type of girl who likes one boy and wont settle for anyone else. Anyway my sugar headache is overpowering me and im tired. So night

[missmentelle]

when i was in a pretty bad place, i had set a date & time for when i thought would be the right time to kill myself, i have a letter in my journal written for my sister & brother explaining what happened & why i did it. its getting really close to that date and i can feel myself slipping into that bad mindset again but i dont know what to do. i want to go through with this plan but at the same time i dont & if i dont i would feel like a coward like im not really in pain & that im just faking it

I sincerely thank you for reaching out! You must have gone through excruciating pain to have planned your suicide. Firstly, please DO NOT go through with the plan. No matter what.

May I assure you that you are not a coward for choosing to stay alive? May I also assure you that I can see that your pain is real and is still with you at this moment? So, if you are brave for choosing to live with and through your pain which is still affecting your life, I hope you celebrate your courage and give thanks for holding on to your life. Let me tell you that it is definitely not easy to accept and allow yourself to suffer. In fact, many people find dying easier. However, they are not solving their problem. It is not death that they seek, but the cessation of the pain that they desire. People just want to die because they see no other ways to stop their pain. But I tell you, that THERE IS HOPE! Believe me, that there is hope for you and a future for you. You may not be able to imagine this hope and future right now, but you will experience it as long as you continue to live. Hold on. Seek recovery. Listen to this voice within that is telling you to continue living, to be there for the people you love, to experience life with them. Remember that your sister and brother needs you, alive, no matter when, no matter where.

I was once in your position. The date is nearing but my pain is bearable. So I pushed back the date. Now, here I am. You mentioned that you slipped back into this self-destructive mindset after being triggered by the nearing of the planned date. So, can I assume that your pain became more bearable (maybe even by just a little) during the period in between? It is entirely possible that your suffering remain bearable past this date! And if you seek help, if you choose to fight, to recover, it is entirely possible for your pain to lessen and for you to find happiness! Again, you may not be convinced now, but think about it rationally. You really may experience happiness while you are alive! Not only will you feel this joy in life, you will be able to share this joy with the people you love and add to their happiness. Don’t give up on such a wonderful future.

Right now, I would like you to go online and search for your local mental health helpline. Call a mental health crisis hotline if this option is available, you are important enough to use this hotline! If not, call a nearby hospital or hospitals until you find someone who takes your call seriously. We have given you the green light to go ahead and tell those who will speak to you that this problem that you are facing deserves serious and immediate attention. Then, I want you to make an appointment to see a mental health professional; this may be via a referral from the hotline. This person can be your school counsellor, a social worker or psychologist or psychiatrist from the local hospital, or just any mental health specialist. These 2 things are what you need to do immediately.

If you live in the US, refer to this page: https://mhanational.org/im-looking-mental-health-help-myself

If you live in the UK, refer to this page: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/helplines-listening-services/#whocanicontact

Where I am in Singapore, refer here: https://www.healthhub.sg/a-z/support-groups-and-others/20/call-on-these-when-you-need-help

From there on, our wish is for you to work on the sufferings you went through. Your therapist will be able to guide you through this process of bravery and recovery. To the best of our ability, we will also be here for you. Our hearts will always cheer you on and wish for your well-being.

Here’s a Facebook page you can join for more encouragement and support: https://www.facebook.com/SuicidePreventionAwarenes/

Please update us again when 1. You have reached a point where you feel able to give life a chance, 2. You arranged for an appointment with a mental health professional, and 3. When you have started therapy and/or medication treatment. I will look forward to all your 3 replies, brave soul.

Bless you;Semi-Colon

[yaz-the-spaz]

I'm sure you've noticed me stalking your blog these past two days lol and I have another question if you dont mind. In my last ask you said you had some theories about zayn leaving ot4vszayn etc and I was wondering if you would expand upon them? If you dont want to write it all out, you can point me towards certain tags or other blogs if you want. I've been looking through your tags and have found a lot but I wanted to know if there is something that might be more like a timeline of sorts? Thx!!

hey there! here i finally am, so sorry to have kept you waiting but i hope this reply finds you well! :) 

now onto your questions…

so as far as a timelines @bakagamieru has some really good masterposts (x, x) that i would recommend checking out that really break things down play-by-play and i think most of which was compiled as it was happening so it’s a super great (and super detailed) documentation of all the shit that was going down during that period and all the narrative inconsistencies and stunts and back and forth, etc. they’re quite long though and, like i said, very detailed so i would recommend making sure you have plenty of time on your hands before you get sucked down a masterpost and link rabbit hole lol

and for more thoughts/theories of mine i would say check my zayn vs. ot4 tags (x, x - sorry there’s multiple iterations of this, apparently sometimes i had put a period after vs and sometimes i didn’t and now i have two tags smh at my own damn irritating inconsistency)

now onto the meat of your question, which is my current theories on zayn leaving/the zayn vs. ot4 narrative which i’m gonna put as a read more cause i’m not in the mood for ppl coming for me if they disagree, so read at your own risk folks…

so over the years there’s four main theories that i’ve personally gone back and forth over, which i’m gonna summarize quickly and try and explain as succinctly as i can my thoughts on each one and my opinion on the likelihood of it holding credence

disclaimer before i get into the explanations - a large part of my reasoning has to do with the caveat of there possibly being any kind of real tension or bad blood between zayn and louis in particular or any of the other boys. not saying that it was necessarily actually the case, just that it was a potential factor that went into my rationale and personal mental debate over the whole situation

he was coerced in some shape or form to leave and instead of fighting it, went along with it (maybe b/c he was already unhappy) - if there ever was actually any real animosity between him and louis (or harry/niall), this could explain why louis (or the others) might have hypothetically been mad at him b/c he might have felt that zayn could’ve/didn’t fight hard enough or went along with it too easily. but all that aside, even if there was no tension between him and louis/the boys, this option makes a lot of sense because given all he talked about going through in the band (depression, the e.d., too much pressure, not having control or being able to do what he wanted, the intense and rampant closeting putting a strain on his relationship, etc.) it’s not hard to see how he might’ve felt this was the best and only option

he was coerced into leaving, tried to fight it but couldn’t (and possibly even knew for a while that it was coming) - this wouldn’t explain why louis (or the others) might have hypothetically been mad at him but instead does put more credence into the fact that that was completely contrived and pushed by mgmt, and is also just as likely as #1 to me for pretty much the same reasons, not to mention it explains some shady things that happened in the months leading up to it re him not being there for certain promo obligations and appearances, etc.

he was coerced into leaving and had absolutely no choice about it and no way to fight it (i.e. didn’t necessarily want to leave but still knew for a while that it was coming) - pretty much same reasoning as above for this one, the only difference being that in this scenario he wouldn’t have wanted to leave at all which given all he went through i just don’t know if i believe that was wholly the case (more on this below) 

he chose to leave completely on his own - although it would explain any lingering animosity, this to me is the least likely in large part because i just have a hard time believing he would have chosen all on his own to just up and leave in the middle of a tour, not to mention been allowed to (esp given that they would’ve all known they had the hiatus coming up not long after and were about to go the countries where zayn specifically probably have had the biggest following/fan support - the middle east and north africa). but even if he hypothetically really did choose it all on its own it’s hard for me to believe that he would have even been able to leave like that unless there was some element of complacency from their mgmt that allowed it to happen and then you have to wonder why would they just let 1/5 of their biggest money maker walk away with no law suits, no drama, no nothing. it stinks of a larger plan at play which is what brings me back to the theories above. 

those are the main theories that i’ve gone back and forth on and i’ve never really been able to settle on just one, but to me given all that he expressed after leaving the most likely are the first two. i think all of the boys were pretty much done with how they were being treated, but zayn especially so, and it’s very easy for me to see how, when the opportunity arose he might have accepted because he felt it was the best way to save himself (as in his mental and physical health) and possibly also his relationship, though whether that acceptance was with a little (theory #1) or lot (theory #2) of initial opposition on his part, who’s to say. however, i definitely believe that, regardless of the details, there was some element of seeding and/or coercion from tptb, esp when considered in context with the shadiness of certain things, like him not being at certain events that he should’ve legally been obligated to be at in the months leading up to his leaving if no one but him knew he was planning on leaving. or him crying at the last concert that he performed at. those do not seem to be like the actions of a man who wanted to leave completely of his own accord and without any degree of finessing by mgmt to orchestrate it. when you’re a mega popstar in the biggest band in the world you don’t just not show up to something. that’s the type of situation where people will literally come to your house and drag you out of bed because you’re costing them a shit ton of money (like millions of dollars worth of money) by not being there. there’s tons of stories of rock stars where managers or someone from their team would literally go bang down a missing band member’s door, shove them in the shower to sober them up or help them whatever they needed to do, and drag their ass on stage to perform or to a press event or whatever. so you can bet that nothing less, if not the same, would be done for a missing member of a multi-billion-dollar-making band if need be. 

so yeah zayn just not showing up for promo events and performances in the months leading up to his leaving? not believable to me at all. the only conceivable reason for him not to have been there is if mgmt didn’t want him there and the only reason (at least that i can think of) for why you wouldn’t 1/5 of your biggest money-maker to be somewhere he should have been legally obligated to be (and that might’ve cost you hundreds of thousands of dollars for him not to be) is if he wasn’t legally obligated to be there because you were already in the process of phasing him out. ergo it was very likely planned. months in advance. and if it was planned months in advance with the help and orchestration of mgmt then that story of him just deciding to up and leave is complete bs and makes it even more likely to me that there was a level of coercion (because again if 1/5 of your biggest money maker suddenly says to you ‘i wanna leave’ you’re gonna do everything in your power to make him stay so you can keep making money, not help phase him out. unless of course you want him out, which they clearly did.)

one last thing i wanna add is a link to a post i had saved that i feel adds a bit of further credence to all this, it’s nothing concrete but it’s something that helped solidify some things for me when i was a giant ball of confusion over what to believe

anyway, i know that i rambled on forever and this definitely did not end up being as succinct or brief as i had hoped (though lbr when is anything i do ever), but i hope this at least sort of answered your questions and made some amount of sense/was not too incoherent and didn’t completely bore you to death lol