#i also had a crush at one point who kind of tried to indoctrinate me into a cult i get him

[grapejuicegay]

hey yeah this episode? next time anyone has anything negative to say about akk i’m just going to hold this episode up. this is why akk acts the way he does. this is why he thinks the school is his responsibility. this is why he’s so willing to burn the school and keep the curse alive to keep people in control. and at least when he’s the one doing it, he can control it. this is what happens when he’s not in control.

i’m ready to start fighting people to defend this boy (mostly chadok but give me anyone, i’ll misplace my anger)

[peachcitt]

shadow and bone netflix series analysis

what up besties i said as a joke that i wanted to do an analysis post on the changes made in the s&b netflix series from the grishaverse books, and then i realized i wasn't joking and that i actually wanted to do that

it's finals season, i am an undergraduate english major, i have had about five hours of sleep within the past forty eight hours, and believe it or not i am doing this analysis as a fun reward for finishing a research paper. i am putting this out here for you so you can decide if these are the kinds of vibes you want right now.

structure of the analysis will be vaguely as follows:

changes made, in chronological order (or as best as chronology i can do under the circumstances and doing absolutely zero fact checking)

analysis of change when looking at the themes of the books which will include my personal feelings

personal theories (if any) derived from the change for the trajectory of the netflix series

so, like, long post warning. also spoiler warning for the netflix series as well as probably most, if not all, grishaverse books

now let's get this baby started

alina's appearance and shu heritage

so the series starts right off the bat acknowledging alina's shu appearance and the in-world racism and prejudice she's experienced because of it, which was not in the books. however i found alina's shu appearance to be completely in line with the book's themes. alina was already isolated at keramzin and the army because of her sickliness, and she's isolated at the little palace because of her power and her awkwardness. so purposefully making her shu was, i felt, a nice world-building decision as well as a new and interesting layer to her character. also, it's always nice to see diversity in media, so i have literally no qualms with this change

in terms of the rest of the series, the grishaverse is a very politically-motivated story. there's a lot of in-universe politics that happens in the shadow and bone trilogy and especially in the king of scars duology, and i think if the series chooses to extend into/include the king of scars duology story (which, i really hope it will), alina being shu (or at least part shu) will be very interesting to see considering king of scars and rule of wolves deal with negotiations and treaties with shu han. i think also having alina be shu and someone who has experienced countless amounts of in-world racism become a saint, seeing how she and the rest of ravka navigate her identity and identity politics will be really interesting. generally speaking, i just really hope the later parts of the series really delve into alina's identity, what it means to be a saint and also "look like the enemy," and the ravkan people's mixed feelings about her

alina's sickliness/childhood relationship with mal

in the books, alina is described as thin, always having trouble sleeping, hardly ever hungry, and sickly looking because, as we learn later, of her constantly unconsciously repressing her grisha abilities. this is part of the reason she's isolated at keramzin in the books; she's sickly and awkward and no one bothers with her except mal - because they're the same age and mal is strong enough to defend her from the older orphans at keramzin. however, the show doesn't really delve into the effects of what suppressing her abilities do to her except for a few offhand lines (alina angrily saying "im never that sick" when mal suggests she say she's stick to stop from going into the fold, mentions of her larger appetite when they're on the run in the woods). instead, the show kind of flips alina and mal's childhood personalities; mal is depicted as shy and easily picked on, and alina is the protector.

i'll just say it: this change fucks so hard. i love it. i think it says such wonderful things about their characters, and i like that alina begins the series as someone incapable of turning a blind eye to bullies and someone who cares very fiercely for the people she loves (not that that isn't the case in the books - i just think this change does a great job of looking directly at it in the way that shows have to). i think it's easy to root for her, and it's easy to see how she will become a saint to the people. in addition to that, i love what this is saying about alina and mal's characters and how they grow up; that separation from alina caused mal to have to face his own problems head on in traditionally masculine ways (because that was what ana kuya criticizes him in the show for; for always running from fights and being too soft, and i think it's really telling that our first view of mal as a kid, im pretty sure, is gingerly holding a bunny which portrays feminine caregiving and then we jump cut to mal fighting in a dirty boxing ring in the first army, something gritty and masculine). masculine ways that he had to be indoctrinated into and that may not actually be in his natural disposition.

meanwhile, separation from mal meant alina no longer had to be a dominant protector, and she does not connect with anyone in the first army as strongly as she connected with mal, so she doesn't really feel the need to be as aggressive as she was as a child. however, you can see that quiet protectiveness spark up at times - notably when people other than herself are picked on, such as at the food line when she claims not to know the others in the cartography unit so they don't get penalized along with her. i do wish, however, elements of her sickliness had been emphasized a little more in the show because of grisha theory, which i will talk about in another section.

first entry into the fold

okay i will be honest. this change is probably the one that scared me the most when seeing it in the trailers, and i am kind of still iffy on it now. in the books, alina's first journey into the fold and the inciting moment for the entire series is just luck and orders. everyone in the first army has to go through the fold at some point, and it just so happens to be alina and mal's time to go through. however, in the show alina is not initially assigned to go into the fold, but mal is, and alina goes out of her way to make sure that she gets on the skiff so that mal won't have to go alone/without her. there's this level of 'choice' (or at least the illusion of it) in the show in terms of alina and mal getting onto the skiff and going into the fold; at one point or the other they both try to tell the other not to get on the skiff and just choose something else.

the thing that irks me the most is alina's stubborn "i'll make it" line that she tells mal after she's on the skiff. it screams 'fantasy dystopian protagonist' (divergent is the first to come to mind for some reason) in a way that alina never comes across in the books. alina never chooses to make her life more difficult - she's always given two terrible options and has to take the option that fits with her morals or her perception of the power she needs to surivive and win the fight. but i know the only reason alina goes out of her way to get on the skiff is because she's separated from mal, which aligns nicely with the protective nature the show has inscribed on her.

the thing that redeems this change for me is that when alina tries to get just herself onto the skiff (by burning the maps to ensure that she has a purpose there), she ends up endangering the lives of her entire cartography unit. this keeps with the theme of a whole lot of alina's later decisions throughout the books affecting so many more people than just her, and i like that this is a lesson that she learns very early on. this change also seems to be a trade out for the final entering-the-fold scene, but i'll talk about that later.

alexei

here he is, the lynchpin himself. in the books, alexei is dry and rude in a funny way with alina, and they have this really great banter at the beginning of the novel, and then he's, like, the first to get carried off by volcra. very harrowing in the book, i loved it. in the show, alexei's character is a little (a lot) different - he's naive and blunt in a silly way, and he very obviously has a crush on alina. instead of being carried off by volcra in the show, though, he jumps off the skiff and runs blind into the fold - committing what we think at the time is an act of suicide - which was extremely harrowing to see in a completely different way, and i loved it. even if they changed alexei's personality i still love him (and his death) dearly

so as previously mentioned, alexei acts as the lynchpin between the six of crows plot and the shadow and bone plot; he manages to escape the fold alive, and makes it all the way to ketterdam to tell a select few people the legendary sun summoner is alive WHICH. okay ive just decided that's my next topic. anyway back to alexei.

his death in ketterdam is awful because of the personality change, which is why i don't mind missing bitchy alexei from the book; his hopeful little "if i tell you, you'll set me free?" that pulls at your heart and also tells you immediately that he is going to die as soon as he tells everyone what he say is done so well. i also like that through treatment of alexei, we get some characterization of the crows; inej immediately gives him water and glares at the mercher in quiet rage on his cruel treatment, kaz doesn't flinch when alexei is killed but inej and jesper do. i also thought it was interesting to have the mercher (dreeson was his name i believe) to be the one to get his hands 'dirty' and actually be the one to shoot alexei because in six of crows, there is always the sense that the merchers are cruel and conniving, but that they very carefully keep the death of the poor and the grisha off their own hands. im wondering if this hands-on killing is a dreeson-specific trait, or if this more hands-on cruelty will be explored more in other mercher characters we meet, like van eck.

sun summoner legend

this change is so?? i don't really know what to think of it. narratively, it makes sense in the show to have this legend be in place so that alina's importance is immediately recognized by people across the different countries.

however in the books, no one really expected alina. her presence wasn't foretold or divine (at first) or fate in any way. she became a saint because i think in part people weren't expecting her, and once they saw what she could do, they wanted to believe in her abilities so bad they made her divine. this change was also weird to me having just finished rule of wolves where zoya (i think) reflects on amazing things that have happened throughout the story and she notes that alina was not some sort of legend that people were expecting - none of what happened was. everything that happened from alina to nina's miracles in king of scars to zoya's expanded abilities by the end of rule of wolves to the "age of saints." all of those things were just chance people being in chance situations that all slid together in a strange, amazing coincidence. they got lucky.

and i think, at the center of the books, is this kind of purposeful disillusionment of the saints and religion, what with the main character of the original trilogy literally becoming a saint and yet never truly feeling saint-ly or being perfectly divine. the sun summoner legend the show brings up seems to depart from this. it'll be interesting to see what the show does with the legend and how alina feels about it as she fulfills it, and im honestly hoping that we'll find out later in the series that the legend was actually just some poor guy a few hundred years ago making something up to give people hope.

the crows timeline/characterization

in the books, the six of crowd ice court heist happens three years after the events of the final book of the shadow and bone trilogy. but obviously the timelines are smushed together for the show to create a new and different direction for their story and also, as we see at the end of the season, a new and different direction for alina's story as well

ive also seen bardugo say that because of the converging time lines, the grishaverse story will not take seven seasons (one season per book in the grishaverse) to get through. for this reason, im thinking that the parem story/ice court heist will begin if/when we get season 2. given that parem is a big part of kos/row, i see a crows and nikolai interaction happening in season 2 that sparks a beginning discussion on parem.

but back to the crows characterization! the crows are completely in character for me in almost every way, and i found the interactions between kaz, inej, and jesper to be very in character. however kaz's plan to capture alina doesn't work out almost at all which is something that he definitely wouldn't have let happen in the books. im chalking this up to the converging timelines - these crows are baby crows. they're young, a little less experienced, and they haven't gotten their groove on heists (and they don't have the rest of their crew) yet. but i anticipate seeing more crows-classic successful heists in season 2.

there are a couple of things i want to talk about each crow, so it's subtopic time

nina and matthias

perfect. their interactions were almost always word-for-word from the book. i can't remember if matthias had actually been the one to actually catch nina in the book, but if not, then it was a nice touch. it was interesting to see that both of them were so willing to be traitors of their country for each other in the show, because even when they're in a romantic relationship outside of fjerda and ravka in the book, they struggle with even the idea of betraying their country.

i like how they changed nina and matthias' "escape" from fjerda to ravka, and how nina explicitly betrayed grisha she knew to their faces. im interested to see how they'll integrate her back into the second army, or if they even will do that. also, i like that fedyor slowed matthias' heart to make him pass out before he sees the other grisha, so it was easy to understand how matthias could've thought it was nina deceiving him all along. their confrontation in the boat was (chef's kiss), and the horror on nina's face as she realized that this situation she put him in won't be as easily solvable as she thought was just wonderful.

jesper

perfect. i love him. and the coy little hints that he's a fabrikator were so good. also the line in the very beginning where he asks for a demo man, which foreshadows wylan was very nice. the only thing out of character is one time kaz asks him to be a distraction and show jesper claims that being a handsome distraction is not part of his talents. it literally is, why did they make him lie.

inej

literally so so good. i love that we meet her while she still has her oath not to take lives; we get to see her develop and learn that sometimes death is necessary, but that she still isn't yet comfortable with killing. on some level, she never will be, and i think that was a perfect place to start her character. however, i am confused about the show giving her a brother. where is he. is he going to be important?? why is he here???? i can't even make any solid predictions about him because inej having a brother came straight out of fucking left field. here's one flimsy prediction based on nothing at all: inej's brother is grisha and is an indentured servant. may also be involved in the parem plot, or works at the white rose where nina will befriend him and connect with the rest of the six because of him. who fucking knows

kaz

i already kind of went over their disaster plan that still somehow worked out for him, but i love literally everything else they did with kaz. the refusal to show his bare hands was literally art!! we got that tease in the first episode and the camera pans up as soon as the gloves come off. that was perfection - as well as the intimacy and trust portrayed between kaz and inej without them ever touching. i also loved the hints and nudges for his story with pekka - the way he always says his name with obvious distaste, and when we see him interact with pekka for the first time on screen. how he asks if they've ever made a deal before and pekka just goes "nah" and kaz just glares at him. perfect. and i also think the show really leaned in to the soft parts of kaz that inej sees in him, especially when he basically said she (and jesper) meant more to him than any saint?? oh my GOD. i kind of like this honest departure from kaz's book "greed is my god edgy edgy blah blah" especially when he's afraid he'll lose inej. i also think it'd be funny if we hear kaz say "greed is my god" and be edgy about it with us AND inej knowing that is superficial because of what he told her. that would be hilarious.

pekka, tante heleen, per haskell

these three aren't part of the six, but they are part of the original six of crows story and i still wanted to talk about my opinions on them, so they're going here.

i fucking loved pekka, how ruthless he was, and his irish accent. that was wonderful. because of how fucking hands-on and brutal he was, though, i wonder if they're going to keep the jakob hertzoon piece of kaz's origin story the same, because this pekka was so good at being violent that it was hard to picture him even pretending to be a benevolent benefactor to orphans. he is a dilf, though. i am not afraid to admit that.

my only problem with tante heleen is that her actress looked too nice. like she might bake me cookies and offer me a ride home from school. total milf as well but not in the scary sexy way that she was in the books. she had smile lines, she was so dainty, she seemed so genuine. i want to see her be a little more cruel.

per haskell, the actual gang leader of the crows, is not in the show at all. it seems as though the show made kaz the official boss of the crows while he is only second in command in the book. this makes me wonder how they'll handle or if they'll even include that fucking awesome scene in crooked kingdom of kaz earning the gang's trust over haskell. it would be weird to introduce per haskell in season 2 when he wasn't even mentioned in season 1, but it wouldn't be altogether terrible considering the crows spent very little time in ketterdam this season. however, this makes me wonder if, when kaz was away on his little saint pilgrimage (i am calling it that specifically because i know it would piss him off) someone else stepped in as "boss" of the crows. in the show, kaz also leverages the deed of the crow club in order to be able to take inej with him, and presumably the jewels alina gives him will solve that problem, but what would happen if any of the crows find out he made that deal? would he still have to earn the gang's trust back in a show of power and respect like in crooked kingdom? much to think about.

mal

back to the shadow and bone story, ive already briefly (not really briefly) gone over mal characterization alongside alina, but i want to mention how the show includes his perspective alongside alina's and how important that is. the shadow and bone trilogy is told entirely from alina's perspective, and alina is in some ways an unreliable narrator. she tends to think of her relationships and feelings as one sided unless her friend/love interest is looking her in the eye and telling her exactly how they feel about her. the one exception is genya, and that sort of bites her in the ass until it doesn't, but i digress. the point is, the only mal perspective we get in the books is alina's perception of mal, and the bonus content of the "lost" letter he'd written to her while looking for the stag in fjerda. granted, that letter says a lot about mal and how he feels about alina, so if you didn't take the time to read the letter when reading the book, chances are you weren't so hot on mal unless you have sexy critical reading skills like me (or just really love the childhood best friends to lovers trope).

getting all the gritty, messy details of how hard mal is trying to get back to alina in the show makes him so much more of a sympathetic character than he may have seemed at first glance for the majority of shadow and bone from alina's perspective. the show really stresses that the bond alina and mal have is mutual and powerful, and i think that's fucking perfect, actually.

this point was really driven home during the episode we see that mal has a matching scar on his palm that is related to alina, just like how alina has a mal-related scar on her palm. that scene in the brig was so good, especially when they ask each other what they're in for, and alina says "the usual," and after a pause, mal replies "the usual" as well. he could be lying because he knows she would feel bad if she was the reason he chose to stir trouble to go to the brig, but he could also be saying that he usually actively chooses to be sent to the brig for defending alina or because alina is usually already there and he wants to be with her. knowing that and then seeing alina have the scar on her palm erased was. fucking devastating (in a good-ish way), and im kind of hoping alina either chooses to have the tailoring removed so she can see the scar again or injures her hand in a mal-related injury so they can match again :(

i have more to say about mal, but i'll save it for the grisha theory/amplifier section

the darkling

overall, darkling portrayal was very spot on, but i didn't really like how he just. gave alina his name so early on. in the books im quite certain he doesn't give alina his first name until the third book? regardless, he doesn't give it to her until they've fought and been enemies for a while. theoretically, kirigan giving his real name to alina so early could be a manipulation tactic (like his moments of 'vulnerability' and 'weakness' with alina in the book), especially because we lose that 'heart to heart' by the campfire after the darkling rescues alina from the fjerdans where alina first starts to see the darkling as human.

i also thought it was interesting that alina kisses kirigan first - in the books they're actually having a serious discussion (i can't remember what about, but when she realizes the darkling is Not Good, she remembers the first time they kissed as a thing he possibly did to distract her from thinking her own thoughts), and the darkling interrupts her with a kiss sexy enough for her to forget what's going on. the show however chooses to do a girlboss she-can-move-on-if-she-wants-to moment which is pretty cool and let's be honest, if you like men and ben barnes is right in front of you giving you Sexy Eyes a whole lot, you are going to want to kiss him. that scene where they get interrupted during a steamy kiss, and they laugh and kirigan leaves the frame just to rush back for one last kiss? that nearly fucking converted me. that was really sweet actually. the show does a fantastic job of showing how captivating kirigan's interest can be.

last note about the kirigan for this section - isn't kirigan the name of the guy who owns the guilded bog for nikolai in kos/row? i can't be sure because i don't have my book with me and i refuse to look up information when i have gone this entire post without looking anything up, but if his name isn't kirigan it's pretty fucking close. i don't know what that means, but i don't think bardugo is the type to name characters similar names for no reason. we'll know for sure if/when the guilded bog is introduced.

zoya

most of zoya's portrayal is really in line with her character and her development throughout the shadow and bone trilogy as well as king of scars and rule of wolves. i think the show did a great job of showing how zoya was in the darkling/kirigan's favor for a while before alina arrived and how she resents alina at first for causing her to not be the darkling's favorite anymore. in addition to that, knowing we find out she is part suli in row makes her casting so much better, and i like that we get to see a little more of her personality in the show than we do in the book shadow and bone. of course we see more of her in siege and storm/ruin and rising, but it's nice to have her become a sympathetic character through the knowledge that she has family in novokribirsk and that she purposefully mans skiffs to see them before she fully sides with alina.

the one thing that made me. just confused was zoya calling alina a "half-breed" at the little palace?? it was so out of place (that particular part of the insult; im pretty sure the other thing she said was very much exactly what she said in the book. some insult about orphans i think), especially knowing that zoya herself is a "half-breed," so that didn't make sense to me.

however, i was glad to see alina immediately embrace zoya as an ally - because she knows from the start of zoya's alliance that she had family that kirigan killed. in the books, alina's parentage is not at all important, and their deaths are never specified to matter, but the show points out from the very beginning that alina's parents were swallowed by the fold. i think this makes alina's immediate compassion and forgiveness of zoya make sense, and it was also very sweet and a little funny to see alina pull zoya into a hug that she so obviously does not expect or want to express as something she wants. it was perfect.

east vs west ravka civil war

i don't have much to say about this except it makes kirigan's actions at the fold seem a little better. not great, not by any means, but knowing that the leader of a growing coup was right on the other side really cements in the idea that kirigan is doing this for what he thinks is the greater good of ravka. im pretty sure in the original trilogy, there was also some tension between east and west ravka, but none of it comes to a head until the events of kos/row. great set up for future ravkan tensions in future seasons.

david and genya & fedyor and ivan

before we get into the last meat and potatoes of this post, i want to talk about love because it's a little bit of a break. take this time to stop reading, stretch, relax your jaw, straighten your back, drink water, etc. you've been here a while. you deserve it

okay so first fedyor and ivan. in the books, fedyor and ivan are just bros (i don't even remember them ever really interacting?) but in the show it is heavily implied they are dating. this is so funny to me, and i love it so much. especially because ivan was in a het relationship with marie in the books (but because the show kills marie off before she dies in the books, obviously that is not happening), so they really just decided that ivan and fedyor were gay for seemingly no reason. except i think ivan died on the skiff during the final battle in the show which is kind of a bummer because he lives through to ruin and rising and has an... interesting arc. fedyor, i think, dies in the battle of the little palace in siege and storm, but i wonder what they'll do with this relationship in next seasons. maybe fedyor will take ivan's place as grieving boyfriend with ptsd, but im not sure. i honestly don't even know for certain if ivan dies in the show, so we'll see.

as for genya and david, i would just like to point out the little hints of mutual affection. in the books, it's kind of implied that genya had feelings for david first and he didn't realize his own feelings until after she's scarred by the darkling, but in the show we see david actually looking at genya during the winter fete! like looking, appreciating the view! i loved the show choosing to include that small amount of mutuality, and after finishing rule of wolves it definitely made me feel some type of way. david and genya. i love them, they're perfect.

grisha theory/amplifiers

we're nearing the final stretch in this post, however, i have a lot to say about grisha theory and amplifiers, and i also have a lot to say for the battle of the fold so this "final stretch" will probably be. a very long stretch.

so obviously because of the nature of books and narrative writing, there was a lot of space within the shadow and bone book to go over the grisha theory alina was learning at her time in the little palace in great detail, however in the show we hardly even get any grisha theory at all. the little we get is actually from the apparat. im not sure if we get anything from bhagra. i don't even think we get the phrase "like calls to like" which is the most basic piece of grisha theory throughout the entire grishaverse.

i am definitely. bitter about this. i obviously didn't want huge long meditations on grisha theory in the show, but pretty much the whole time alina was at the little palace, i felt like she had so much time free time to wander around the palace, hang out with nadia and marie, daydream about mal and kirigan. don't get me wrong - those are all valuable activities - but i feel like it missed the point of alina's time at the little palace. she felt isolated there; yes, she had nadia and marie, but she couldn't share with them everything she was going through because she didn't want anyone to truly know how difficult mastering her abilities were. and because she was so isolated, she throws herself into grisha theory, especially during the times in which she can't summon her abilities by herself. this is when she learns about why she's been so sickly her whole life (because she has not used her abilities, and grisha derive some form of life force and energy from using their abilities), all about amplifies, and other really cool world-building for grisha abilities and culture. instead, it was difficult to tell (at least for me) in the show if the palace and the little palace were even different places while in the books the little palace was such a whimsical, ancient, and magical place for alina compared to the gaudiness of the main palace.

the collar

anyway, complaints about architecture and alina's subpar theory education aside, the little bit of grisha theory we get is from the apparat when he talks about ilya morozova and the three amplifiers he was attempting to make during his lifetime. when the apparat is describing amplifiers, it almost seems like amplifers - not just morozova's inventions - are super rare in the world of the show. amplifiers are relatively rare in the books, obtained by only some of the most powerful grisha (zoya, ivan, alina), but they still exist. from what we've seen of zoya and ivan, they didn't seem to have amplifiers on their person, so it looks like alina is unique not only in getting an amplifier from one of morozova's beasts, but also in just getting an amplifier in general, which is a little weird.

EDIT: thanks to @laelipoo for pointing out that zoya is actually shown to have what looks like a tiger’s tooth embedded in the skin of her wrist in the first episode! so okay this shows that powerful grisha still have amplifiers in the world of the show, but this probably suggests that instead of being pieces of jewelry like in the books, they act more as body modifications, which is really interesting. if im not mistaken, ivan’s amplifier is a necklace in the book, so maybe his show-amplifier would’ve been embedded in the skin of his chest. regardless, i’d still like to see more discussion on how amplifiers in the show work - which, now that we know zoya most probably has an amplifier, we might get to see with her becoming more prevalent of a character in the projected arcs of the show (both shadow and bone trilogy as well as kos/row)

i can't remember if morozova was ever referred to as "the bonesmith" (i feel like he has been, but not in the way the apparat refers to him in the show), but i feel as though that was a kind of. foreshadowing for how we would see the stag amplifier work later in the show. in the book, the stag's antlers are a literal collar around alina's neck that remains there until she loses her abilities, so the metaphor of being "owned" by the darkling is definitely there. it never stops being there until she loses the ability that makes her his mirror and his tool. however, in the show we definitely. do not get that.

so i've seen some people say that they hate the design of the stag collar, and i cannot say i was a huge fan of looking at it myself. but that just really cemented in the fact that kirigan forcing the collar on her is a complete violation of her body and her agency. the fact that the bones erupt from her skin and that her skin looks irritated where the bones puncture through her skin just reinforces the idea that this fusion is not natural and is not supposed to be pretty because kirigan taking control of her in this way is really really terrible actually. in addition to the collar, the show also gives kirigan a circle of bone embedded in his hand - which, hand versus collar, who has the most agency in this situation, his hand is quite literally around her neck, etc - but i feel like they made this change so that non-readers could see and understand the mutuality of the amplifier in a physical manifestation because the show doesn't expand on that theory at all.

i really liked that the show kept the reason for alina gaining control of the amplifier being her connection with the stag before kirigan killed it because that at least is consistent with the theory in the books, especially with the expansion of that same theory in kos/row with zoya's connection with juris and how true use of an amplifier requires mutual connection, understanding, and suffering between the grisha and the animal.

i also thought that the way the show portrayed alina taking back control of her power with the stag's horns absorbing into her own bones was a really effective way to show that the power is hers now, and that it is a part of her. however, i wish the show had kept some evidence of the collar because of how it quickly became a piece of her iconography in the books as well as a symbol of her power. seeing as how alina stabbed the circle of bone out of kirigan's hand (very sexy girlboss moment), i wonder if kirigan will still be able to control her abilities. if he can, i hope that any time he uses her abilities, the horns emerge from her skin again as a visual signifier that alina is being violated and that her own power is being used against her. OR even at the times in which alina uses kirigan's power against him (like if the show depicts the conclusion to the battle of the little palace where alina uses the darkling's merzost) to have the horns come out of her skin to show that she is reinforcing her bond with him. both would be really cool.

alina and mal

okay so in ruin and rising we learn that not only are alina and mal bffs and in love whatever, but also that they've been drawn to each other because mal is actually the host to the last of morozova's amplifiers. and then alina looks back at the times in which she's felt the most powerful or when they encountered morozova's beasts, and she realizes that all of those times coincide with when she had important moments with mal. this reveal is huge in the series, and without the build up, i fear it might seem like it would've come out of nowhere if the show chooses to go in the same direction.

for example, alina and mal in the book only find the stag after they kiss for the first time. however, in the show they don't kiss. they don't even move mal's "i see you now" speech to right before they find the stag. it's simply a jump cut to alina and mal in the forest looking at the stag. they might be talking, but i don't think it was an 'important' moment for them.

however, they've been setting mal up as a better-than-average tracker since the very beginning with ana kuya asking him specifically to hunt for dinner. mal also admits that when he saw alina's power come from the tent when kirigan is testing her power that he heard a 'high-pitched tone' and somehow intuitively knew that it was her or something like that. he also tells alina that he'll always be able to find his way to her, no matter what, which is really romantic of course, but it is also part of their connection as one of morozova's three amplifiers and the girl who will possess at one point in time two of the three amplifiers.

i also think that the scene in ruin and rising when alina kills mal for his power is supposed to directly mirror the scene in the shadow and bone book where alina tells mal before they find the stag that she wants him to kill her before she can be caught by the darkling; part of the reason she feels strongly enough to ask this is because she understands grisha theory enough to know what the darkling's plans for the stag and her are. when she's protecting mal and the stag from the darkling, she begs mal to kill her. but he doesn't. and in ruin and rising, when they're out of options during the final battle, mal tells alina to kill him. and she does.

but without alina asking to be killed paired alongside the lack of intimate mal and alina moment before they find the stag, i wonder if the show will be heading in the same direction as the books in terms of mal's status as the last of morozova's creations, or if they'll decide to do something different.

battle of the fold

i think the most obvious difference in the battle of the fold is that kaz, inej, and jesper are like. just chillin on the skiff. additionally, zoya is on the skiff (her presence there was discussed in the zoya section), and mal is not a prisoner in the skiff like he was in the book - he snuck on. for the six's presence on the skiff, i don't mind it and i actually like how they participate in the battle (inej throwing a knife into kirigan's chest and nearly ending his shit right then and there was something we always wanted but did not know we wanted. same with zoya and inej bonding during a fight), but the change in mal's freedom status on the ship is a little more complicated.

in the books, the darkling lets alina and mal spend one last night together (with bars between them) before whatever happens on the fold. i can't remember if he tells alina that he plans to execute mal in the fold, but regardless it becomes apparent that is his plan when he throws mal overboard, on the edges of alina's sunlight, and begins reigning in the sunlight so that mal will be consumed by the fold. it's the fact that mal is in danger that alina manages to gain control of her power once more, and she saves mal. the group of dignitaries from the various nations are still on the ship when she makes her escape, and she uses the Cut - a form of summoner ability that she has never used before and has only ever been used by the darkling. she makes the terrible and difficult decision to let the dignitaries die in the fold alongside the darkling, because she believes it's a worthy sacrifice to make, and she and mal escape together.

i think this sequence of events would've tracked really well in the show with how alina had previously been depicted as mal's protector, but the show chooses not to have alina save mal and kill the dignitaries. instead, the show has kirigan kill the dignitaries and also has mal have a homoerotic fist fight with kirigan which is. not exactly not in line with themes the show has put on, especially with how mal and kirigan have interacted before in the show.

in the books, we don't see mal and the darkling interact without alina as a buffer, and so a fistfight between them in the battle of the fold in shadow and bone wouldn't have made narrative sense and would've just ended up feeling cheap. however we do see mal and kirigan interact without alina in the show - when mal is showing kirigan where the stag is and kirigan learns alina's favorite flower through mal, and when kirigan gives mal that petty little speech about how he'll get alina eventually while mal grows old and dies.

there's an interesting phenomenon in certain kinds of love triangles; most of the time you see love triangles in the classic sense of Person B and Person C both being in love with Person A, who has to make the choice between B and C. however, that's not a true love triangle - there also needs to be a connecting factor between B and C. and, in most cases, that connecting factor is the ritual of masculine homosocial rivalry. so when applying this kind of love triangle to alina, mal, and kirigan, we see that both mal and kirigan have feelings for alina, but they also have a connection to each other through their rivalry, which is as much about rituals of masculine conquering (whether the person they are wanting to conquer is alina or the other man is a very interesting question to which the answer is yes) as it is about being the person alina loves.

do i personally like the kirigan/mal fight in the fold? no, i would've much preferred to see alina rescue and protect mal. however, i do recognize that the fight makes narrative sense within the show, and it was really funny to see kirigan get his shit rocked by mal's bare fists a couple of times. i would say i hope he's been humbled by the experience but we all know that's not true.

also remember when i mentioned that kirigan is the one who kills the dignitaries here instead of alina leaving them to die? and remember, way back in the beginning when i said that alina inadvertently getting her cartography unit killed in the show may have been a swap for some deaths in the battle of the fold? alina being excused from the deaths of the dignitaries in the show but responsible for the deaths of her cartography friends at the beginning is what i was talking about. like i said way back (or maybe i didn't say it but im saying it now), it makes narrative sense. i get it.

however, i think the choice not to have alina perform the Cut on the skiff when she regains control of her power is an interesting one. because, in the book, that was an ultimate show-off of power (even if it was a terrible moment for alina). no one else but the darkling can perform a Cut, and as soon as alina forcibly takes control of her power from the darkling she uses his own signature move to leave him for death? that's a power move. that's irony. that's a physical manifestation of alina being able to adopt and take advantage of some of the darkling's power and use it against him, which is definitely a main theme in the book as it happens every single time alina gets close to defeating him and also when she actually defeats him.

so the Cut is really important, and i want to see in what other situation the show might have alina perform a Cut of her own against kirigan, or if they'll even include that aspect of reclaiming of power. i really want them to.

conclusion

so what have we learned? i think, first and foremost, we have learned that i have so many opinions and should learn how to be sweet and concise with my words. we have also learned there were a lot of changes between the grishaverse books and the series, and these were only the changes that i remembered off the top of my head having watched the series almost a week ago and having reread the books over the past few months.

in addition to those things, we have learned that, in my academic opinion, many of the changes made to fit the story into the screen were positive changes or, at the very least, changes i am interested in seeing develop. in the end, i am just a fan, and regardless of what season 2 may throw at us, i trust bardugo's decisions because she has never let me down narratively before, so i'll probably end up loving things the show ends up doing because i am, at my core, a simple sort of person.

i had a lot of fun writing this all up, and i hope this super long post was informative or entertaining in some way. thank you so much for reading<3<3<3<3

[faorism]

needing the au to drop wherein i can commit to writing a historical au,, because since i first watched the db cooper job my mind went straight to OT3! OT3! OT3! (unlike with the van gogh job, since i aint playing with that fucking lieutenant)

one day maybe one dayyyyy i will sit down and i will write the ot3 into that episode's story. so, it'll be the backgrounds for the characters in the flashback (so, stephanie ritter, steve reynolds, and reggie wilkins), but with the necessary personality adjustments (parker, eliot, and hardison respectively). basically, vintage ot3 with some hot as hell aesthetics and secrets and avoiding as much as possible producing copraganda.

so. my thoughts. what i see happening. and this got super long so im throwing this under a cut. and for ease i will call them by their modern day canon names except when making a point.

first, general thoughts about the characters.

and so: steve to eliot. nothing much here on the surface. eliot still volunteers, too much an indoctrinated white man to have been forcibly drafted. so its still one man gone to war. one man come back. eliot would had been noticed early in training for his ability to pick shit up, and they teased at maybe sending him to a special unit. maybe they do, or maybe they don't because they just need to funnel fuckers to the jungle. the vietnam invasion was a terrorist imperialist venture and there's no romanticizing from me about anything done being at all valorous or special or brother-in-arms'y. and eliot commits war crimes under the american stars and stripes instead of just to keep moreau's champaign running. but also maybe moreau is eliot's superior. he certainly would have been rewarded for this ruthlessness. (eliot of course strove to impress moreau because there aint an eliot spencer who wasn't that man's dog at some point, i!!!! dont make the rules). eliot's friend died and eliot's gone off to carry out his wishes and moreau lets him because he Knows eliot is gonna come back. whether its to come back to the same squad, or follow him into deeper spy shit for the military, or to fuck off and go private. then eliot meets parker.

now. stephanie to parker. beth plays normal so well im mad at her, but there's something edgy and strategic about stephanie that i think parker can grab onto. i feel that maybe she was kind of a thief still, but there's more realism to this world so archie wasnt a super secret spy with lasers to practice with, but just a guy with sticky fingers whos a little bored and wants a protege. parker is good really good at what she does, and not having to deal with lasers makes me easy. but she's into scams that are less grifts and more Catch Me If You Can slight of hands. she's always looking for easy money (she was into lifting cars at one point! literally she follows where the crime is). she's doing something in an airport and someone tries to recruit her as a flight attendant because she's got the Look. and yall, flight attendants? that shit was like being a model and an astronaut and a time traveler back then. and according to a teacher i had, who once worked as in the f.a. union, those ladies back in the day were rad and queer and free spirited and runnnnning shit. i think, yes, it's a Job which i think we might resist placing parker into. but! of the jobs, at the time, i really see her rocking it during the time period. (also come on, the opportunities to swindle distracted people of their shit would be endless. they would just think they dropped their stuff in the airport! not that it was stolen.)

finally, reggie to alec. i think hardison will be the hardest to translate. even tho i admittedly listen to a lot of true crime podcasts, i dont know much about fbi life and also definitely don't know about it historically. part of me desperately wants to put him somewhere else even if it does have to stay within the fbi. i might cheat and make him like a Q(uartermaster) to 007/00s like in james bond, and he's like UGH this is horrible god i hate working for the fbi but they will give me funding so...... anyway, here's this totally cool [radio term]. that said, if hardison is stuck in the fbi, why he ends up there is that he is a fucking savant when it comes to research and the man can put together a presentation like no one else. that white man gets all the credit for profiling but it was hardison who goddamn was the google of the microfilm days. reggie felt super square but that might be because he had to deal with mcsweeties db cooper shit day in and day out for years. hardison is more himself. and definitely still a nerd. alec would be into dime fantasy novels and comics and ham radios and oh god he also would be into star trek like the original star trek as it came out and he would be into the zines yes! yessss. omg. also he plays a mean arcade cabinet. but he's mostly well adjusted but lonely. his colleagues dont appreciate him because fbi esp during that time were fucking wilding out and racist as hell aaaaaand im sorry im srry im trying so hard to have fbi hardison make sense but also! acab. ANYWAY.

second, the relationship

i think it would be fun to play with what it means to have parker/eliot start off first and bring in hardison afterwards. (if white collar is your thing, it would be like this canon divergent ot3 fic wherein peter burke is the last to join in.) i feel they would be Super Intense esp since they are carrying this big ass secret. kind of broken and dysfunctional and there's the passion and the commitment, but i think there's also a tenderness that's super hard for them to achieve? and i think there's a way that hardison plays such an important part in who they are and how they are. like, sure i think parker/eliot would have joy but they won't have levity. they would have compassion but they won't have gentleness.

eliot meets hardison after being recruited by nate. i think they get close because while nate and eliot have an interesting and compelling mentorship/friendship, nate is still eliots superior; sometimes its nice to complain about your boss, as hardison will say to eliot to try to make friends. i think hardison and eliot would become legit friends and not just work buddies because they are just not cut out of the same cloth as the rest of their colleagues. they grab beers after work. after hard days, hardison cajoles eliot into going to the arcade. they are friends. real real truly deep best friends, in a way hardison didn't think he could have with a fed and eliot didnt think he would have after his friend died. but also? they are like "buds" who are buds who are desperately tryna to cross any lines because there's a.... tension? an UST between them they dont know what to do with.

parker meets eliot by way of a "lets have my friend for dinner, he's a blast." and immediately immediately hardison is like... wow this woman is beautiful but like, really attracted to her personality. and parker things hardison is kinda dorky but cute dorkie? anyway, they have a puppy love situation growing. and it keeps growing until bam. eliot and parker are like. are we into alec???? fuck we are aren't we.

i think stephanie and steve would never tell reggie (even if somehow they were to be a thing). but parker and eliot? hell yeah they tell hardison. eventually. after a while. sooner than maybe they should. the tension if they should say something is one of the things that build up as UST between them for so long; parker and eliot know they are carrying this huge thing. two huge things. eliot being db cooper and also their massive crush on him.

if i could control myself to stick to a pwp, it would be another christmas. maybe the christmas nine (more?) years down the road. the damn snow grounded hardison's flight back to his nana's, and parker and eliot hear this and invite him over. the egg nog gets flowing and parker eventually is like,, fuck this. and comes onto hardison. and hardison would be like wow wow what but... idk, free love and swinging were In The Thoughts And Minds Of The People. he still checks in with eliot who is like. her body, man; i aint gonna tell her what to do. and for a sec hardison is like, man is this a cuck situation? i guess i can be for it but also...... aint mad if i aint alone. and eliot is so grateful and idk. i just want them all to be happy and having fun and no one to be left out. and yeah i am kinda brushing over a lot of the racial politics which, in a more developed fic rather than a pwp, would definitely need to be brought in; but idk that needs to just be in the bedrock of whatever plot is going into this.

it takes a lot of maneuvering of their lives but they make it work and eventually hardison is a keeper of eliot's secret too.

(apart from the historical aspect, another reason i probably won't actually write this is because i know myself. i would want to do worldbuilding. i would follow eliot and alec to their jobs, but i wouldnt want to write outright copaganda. the grit/realism i would be comfortable with would take a level of research i dont think i can commit to. but if someone wants to take this up or if you figure out a way around this issue, pls do i wont be mad)

[scribble-blog]

Soulmate AU part 3!!

First • Previous • Here • Next

Side note, I’m a grandma in a 22 year old body who doesn’t understand technology. If somebody can teach me how to get readmores to work on tumblr mobile, and possibly how to start linking the posts together, I’d appreciate it!

Also, the taglist is now full! Though if people want, I could try doing a supplemental taglist? Either in a reblogged or in a separate post to notify you? Let me know in the replies!

Damian Wayne, as it turns out, is almost very certainly the son of Bruce Wayne, who sponsored their entire trip to Gotham. There are only two official pictures of him that are clear enough to truly check against, but Marinette sees the eyes and she nods. “That’s him.”

Trixx, Pollen, Kaalki, and Plagg are scattered about the bed, napping and lounging. Adrien also lounges, catlike and crosswise with the bed, entirely over the pillows at their back. Chloé holds the laptop that Marinette is hovering over, even from her seated position with her much smaller stature.

“It would be you,” Chloé snorts. “Oh, let’s just traipse over to America for a quick class visit! Oops, my soulmate is the incredibly handsome son of the incredibly wealthy man who invited us here!”

“Still more believable than you, Miss ‘My soulmate and I have literally been standing two feet from each other for weeks because not only do we have the exact same friends, but we’re part of the same superhero group and never realized until Ladybug allowed us to learn each other’s secret identities.’” Adrien doesn’t move as he calls her out, lazily curled into the warmth of his two friends and the pillows cocooning him.

“I don’t think any of us can speak,” Marinette groans. “I’m living a cheap rom com, Chloé’s got all the plot elements of a high budget Shakespearian drama, and Mr. ‘Didn’t know I wasn’t straight until my soulmate mark was a guys name” is straight out of a b movie comedy.”

“At least I got my act together pretty quickly once it occurred to me that I could like guys too,” Adrien points out. “And now Jon and I talk all the time, and he even comes to Paris sometimes to see me, or we’ll meet up for my occasional business trips in America. Which reminds me,” he pulled out his phone, sending off a quick text, “he wants to come meet you guys. Next week, while we’re all actually on the same continent.”

“Kudos to you for shaking off whatever Gabe tried to stuff your head full of,” Chloé says. “Took me ages to admit that I was gay, and that was even WITH my soulmark and both Marinette and Ladybug constantly in front of me.”

“Feeling pretty objectified,” Marinette protests.

“Oh shut it, I know for a fact that you’ve basically been the gay awakening crush of every not straight girl in our class. And several outside of it. And that’s not even counting all the dudes that fall in love with you.”

“I still object,” Marinette pouts at Chloé.

“Objection overruled.” Adrien sits up. “Marinette. You’re like, the perfect crush. They have a warning about you in the introductory packet for Mme. Bustier’s class.”

“They do not,” Marinette gasps, outraged. “I wrote that packet!”

“And then the class unanimously decided you were too dangerous to be walking around without a warning sign,” Chloé pinched her cheek. “If it makes you feel any better, it’s still in the packet despite Lila’s best efforts to get it thrown out.”

That does make Marinette feel better.

“Damian Wayne resurfaces after year of being believed dead,” Adrien reads from his phone. “Gotham’s Newest Wayne: The True Son! These all read like tabloids but as far as I can tell the Wayne’s don’t tolerate stuff like that. So I guess it’s true?”

“I’m tired of looking him up,” Marinette groans. “Can we just leave it be?”

“Nope,” Chloé pops the P. “Congrats, Dupain-Cheng, this is what friends are for.”

“I wish I could talk to Tikki about it,” Marinette sighs. “Especially because I have literally never heard anyone talk about that- electric feeling when we touched. Is it a Ladybug thing?”

Plagg opens one big green eye. “Cool it, Spots. It’s definitely a Ladybug thing. You’re literally the reason these marks exist.”

Marinette sticks her tongue out at the mini god. “I just miss her.”

“Join the club,” he grumbles, closing his eye and going back to napping.

“Good news,” Chloé says, bringing her attention back to the laptop. “Searching your name very easily leads to you, and our class, and the fact that we won the contest. So, unless he decides he’s not ready to meet you, you’ll have the chance to find him at the gala. Or at Wayne Enterprises. Or at any of the places the Wayne’s own, which is two-thirds of our trip destinations.”

“Oh god,” Marinette says. “What if he didn’t want to find me?”

Adrien, Chloé, and four Kwamis hit her at the same time, shoving her back into the bed.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Mari,” Adrien scolds her from his position atop the newly formed cuddle pile. “I saw his face too. If the boy isn’t already in love with you, he’ll be hunting you down just for the chance to fall.”

Trixx nuzzled into her side. “I may not be Tikki but all of us Kwamis know how incredible you are, Marinette.”

She sighed. “Alright guys, get off.”

———

Marinette Dupain-Cheng. Tim already knew who the girl was, because he’d been curious when his favorite artist had started talking about the source of his newest looks.

But having Damian demand his help in searching for everything he could find on her, and then only asking for the bare minimum of information about her trip itinerary- Tim wasn’t an idiot.

“So. She’s your soulmate.” Tim takes a sip of the coffee he’d been working on, making a face and instantly setting it back down when he realized it had gone cold.

Damian carefully did not change his expression, but it wasn’t fooling anyone. “And so what if she is?”

Tim looked back at the monitor. “So nothing. Congrats, Demon Spawn. I’m happy for you.”

He barely caught the edge of the scowl the younger Wayne tried to hide.

“Hey, no.” Tim spun his chair to face Damian. “Look, we’ve had our differences and disagreements-“

“You had me on the superhero equivalent of a terrorism watch list,” Damian interrupted.

“And you literally tried to kill me within the first day of meeting me.”

“A byproduct of my indoctrination from birth into a murder cult,” His brother kept his face still but the tone was wry.

“You kept trying to kill me.”

“I wasn’t trying to kill you!” Damian finally exclaimed, losing his collected demeanor. “Just-“

“Point being,” Tim stressed, “even if we haven’t always gotten along- haven’t ever, really- I’m still happy for you. Soulmates are a special thing. We all kind of thought you might not have one, with the way you always acted when Dick tried to ask.”

Damian forced down the immediate retort and looked at Tim. “I thought that maybe my dying would have prevented my name from showing up for them. And my teachings-“ he said the word with the inflection that meant he was discussing Assassin Upbringing rather than here- “were as such that most connections, be they familial, friendly, or romantic, were- unnecessary and even dangerous.” It felt tantamount to a betrayal of his younger self to confide anything in Drake like this, but... Damian really was, in many ways, a better and more mature person than the spoiled, aggressive, near sociopathic brat he’d arrived as seven years ago. He still kept the veneer of it up, but he was no longer the boy who needed to fight Drake to prove his worth as Bruce’s son.

Now he just waited for Drake to embarrass himself by passing out after staying up for far too long surviving on caffeine and energy drinks. Much easier.

And Drake didn’t ever seem as eager to blackmail and fight as Damian ever had, so he figured a small amount of vulnerability was a proper thank you for his discretion in finding Marinette.

Tim just took another grimacing sip of the cold coffee. “Man. In that case, even happier for you that you’re shrugging off yet another of the Child Assassin School’s upsetting and frankly terrible rules. Though as for the dying thing, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter as long as you don’t actively die now that you have the mark.”

Damian shrugged. “Irrelevant now, as I will not be dying anytime soon, and neither will she. And she clearly knows that we’re soulmates.”

“Still confused about that,” Tim frowned, looking back at him. “You said there was an electric current between you? Or it felt like that?”

Damian couldn’t stop his hand from twitching, the memory of it clear enough to feel. “Yes. I don’t understand it myself either.”

“I’ll search around. See if anything comes up.” Tim handed him a pile of papers. “Here, the info you wanted on her itinerary, plus things I thought would be pertinent without going over whatever line you seem to have drawn.”

Damian took them, and very begrudgingly said, “Thank you,” before ducking out of the room.

He waited until he was back in his own room before flicking through them, finding the trip schedule and the hotel rooms listed, the names of her class and teachers, and finally a list of her accomplishments and a copy of the paper that had won her class the trip, authored by her.

He read through it, noting the names of her classmates and their own community efforts, and the way her own section in the paper was minuscule compared to both each other persons section and the list of accomplishments Drake had drafted.

One classmate had, if no less written than than any other person, a distinctly different tone to what Marinette had written, and most of her community building and service events were merely echoes or assisting what another person had done. Damian shrugged it off, as there were sometimes people who simply tagged along, and never put their own effort out there. Followers, and not leaders.

All in all, he found himself more intrigued than ever about her.

TAGLIST:

@the-fusionist @rebecarojas07 @lowandco @kotaleartzu @resignedcatservant @alenee13 @mystery-5-5 @ladybug-182 @actual-disaster-human @loysydark @rumbelle18 @magic-miraculous @vixen-uchiha @athena452 @mochegato @ash-amg @worlds-tiniest-spook-pastry @thestressmademedoit @sassakitty @doriebell @jessigurl-design @emotionalsupportginger @kceedraws @kuroko26 @moonystars14 @toodaloo-kangaroo @myazael @theatreandcomicfreak @mer-mel @dahjokester @northernbluetongue @area51qt @renscorpio @redscarlet95 @razzledazzle247 @rosep16 @tired-butterfly @catthhay @shamefullove @imanerddealwith @chaosace @captainmac6 @bigpicklebananatree @abrx2002 @cici-schnee @multplelifes @shreky-boi @purple-people-eaters-productions @crazylittlemunchkin @weird-pale-blonde-person

[franniebanana]

CQL Rewatch - Episode 12

So, we start this episode with our heroes having to give up their swords. I like that with everything he’s been through, Lan Wangji doesn’t put up a fight here. He willingly gives up his sword without any resistance. It’s the smart move: he’s already injured, the Cloud Recesses has been nearly destroyed, his brother is missing (and in the book, his father is also dying). And it stands to reason that Jin Zixuan is the one who protests—his clan so far has been protected from the Wen Clan: they are wealthy, they certainly are a large clan, and they have the resources to keep the Wens at bay, seemingly.

“Though I am disgusted with Wen Chao, I’m not gonna bring any trouble to our family during this time.” Welp. That was short-lived. I think this thought of his lasts for about 12 hours before he can’t take any more of Wen Chao’s shit.

As if regular Wen Chao wasn’t horrible enough, now we get sleazeball Wen Chao. This is, of course, important later, that he takes a liking to MianMian. She’s essentially marked from this point on. But can I say that I love how she’s the one who steps up to assuage Wen Chao, rather than the Jin Zixuan? She steps up like a boss, takes Wen Chao’s gross comments in her stride, and stops her master from making a big mistake.

And it’s nice to get some actual character development for Jin Zixuan too. Prior to this, we know he was engaged to Jiang Yanli, but had no interest in marrying her. He basically acted like a big dick, without any real redeeming qualities. But now we see that he is not interested in going along with the Wens’ indoctrination, even though his dad told him to just be a good boy. Brings in the theme of the younger generation wanting to pave their own path. The older generation (the majority of the clan leaders) end up being pushed aside. Their ways don’t work against the Wens. A lot of our heroes (I use that word lightly in some characters’ cases) end up being forced to grow up really fast here—they come of age as they are literally fighting a war. They form identities on those battlegrounds. Idk what I was saying, I started to ramble.

And just as a side note, Wei Wuxian kept glancing at Lan Wangji throughout that scene, maybe searching for a reaction, maybe an opening to speak, maybe just wanting Lan Wangji to look at him—seeking that connection. I think he is desperate to find out what has happened since they parted in Qinghe.

Ugh, Jiang Cheng, I couldn’t care less about your little crush on Wen Qing! Stop being so emo about her! Seriously, this is the dumbest thing they added into Untamed. This stupid “romance” that amounts to nothing and really adds nothing to either character, especially Wen Qing. Omg but imagine if they had gone with their original plans to make Wei Wuxian hook up with Wen Qing—the drama between him and Jiang Cheng! Or maybe this was the compromise. Like, “we need to make Wen Qing the romantic object for one of the boys…hmm…who should we pick…Eeny meeny miney mo….” I hate it, really. I don’t give a damn about the comb or the eventual life of loneliness that you have ahead of you, Jiang Cheng. Just stop. You’re not marriage material—you’re not fit for that, okay? You get to be a grumpy uncle, at best.

This will never not be funny to me. The absolute gall he has here, to gleefully volunteer to recite, and then to decidedly recite the wrong principles. But see what I mean about him immediately causing trouble? He’s looking for a window to talk to Lan Wangji and he finds it in misbehaving and forcing a punishment onto himself. It’s as if he’s fine behaving and being a good boy for the Jiang Clan, unless something is going on with Lan Wangji, which it most certainly is. More fuel for the fire for Jiang Cheng, I’m afraid, more proof that perhaps Wei Wuxian values Lan Wangji just a little bit more than him.

Also, everyone’s reactions here: Jiang Cheng is pissed (of course), Nie Huaisang is bemused (“Oh, you rascal!”), Jin Zixuan seems to be impressed (“You go, girl!”), and Lan Wangji…I think this is the first time that Lan Wangji actually looks at Wei Wuxian. They don’t make eye contact, but he looks up, and as his eyes flick back down, it’s as if he’s uttering a silent “thank you.” It’s such a quiet moment, juxtaposed to Wei Wuxian noisily reciting the Gusu Lan principles. I think Lan Wangji is just so appreciative here to know that he isn’t alone. He may seem alone—his clan lost many, his brother is missing—but he is most certainly not alone, because Wei Wuxian is here too. I’m getting all emotional now.

Okay, now they’re making eye contact, hahaha! Do I think Lan Wangji is a little annoyed that he has to cart shit around? Probably a little. But I actually think that he’s more annoyed that Wei Wuxian might be making things harder for them all in his desperation to have a talk with Lan Wangji. Like I said, Lan Wangji appreciates that Wei Wuxian is with him, making him feel that he’s not alone, but he also doesn’t want to make things worse. His clan is in a bad state right now, and at this point, he has to still be concerned that if they go too far against the Wens, that could come back and spell bad news for their families. Wei Wuxian has already forced that issue to the back of his mind, because he’s so focused on finding out what happened at Cloud Recesses. I can understand why Jiang Cheng is pissed, since Wei Wuxian told him he’d keep his head low, and he’s currently doing the opposite. More tension, I love it!

It’d be really easy to look at this scene and make it all about wangxian and how Lan Wangji loves Wei Wuxian so much and would do anything for him (this is, of course true), but that’s not what this scene is all about. It’s about three out of the five major clans seeing how oppressive the Wen Clan is, it’s about standing up for what’s right, even if it looks like you’re going to lose the fight. Jin Zixuan could have kept his head down and continued to shovel shit, but he didn’t. He stood up and used all the clout he had to try and put a stop to the abuse that Wen Chao is doing against Wei Wuxian. At this point, we know that Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian will help each other out—it’s happened before, it’s not news (not that I don’t fucking love it), but Jin Zixuan, who up until this point has had a pretty poor relationship with Wei Wuxian, didn’t have to do anything, but he did. He knows this is wrong, he can see what the Wen Clan is doing is wrong, but he’s mostly powerless to stop any of it. His threats are inherently empty, but nevertheless he tries. It doesn’t mean he likes Wei Wuxian, but it does mean that he knows Wei Wuxian is right to stand up to the Wens.

I love this. All of this. Lan Wangji putting himself between Wei Wuxian and Wen Chao, only to be whipped aside, and then getting up (on his broken leg) and doing it all over again. Just like Jin Zixuan, he’s literally standing up to injustice, but it’s different, right? It’s different because this is Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian, two people who’ve been through dangerous situations together, two people whose beginning was extremely rocky—but they are two people who grew to understand and need each other. I don’t think either one of them could pinpoint that need, but I think it’s there, just below the surface. Lan Wangji could never stand aside and watch Wei Wuxian be abused, and the same is true for Wei Wuxian. Right or wrong, they have a desire to protect each other. Because, like I said before, I think Lan Wangji knows they are all treading on thin ice right now. He’s seen his home destroyed and he likely doesn’t want the same thing to happen to Wei Wuxian. I would be amazed if he wasn’t thinking about that right about now—how will my actions affect him? Nevertheless, he won’t stand by and do nothing, even if it means taking that risk.

I also kind of wonder what Jiang Cheng would do here. I feel like he would try to protect Wei Wuxian (he does so later with his mother), but at the back of my mind, I still feel like Jiang Cheng has this deep resentment of Wei Wuxian that is always hiding just below the surface, just waiting to show itself. Wei Wuxian got himself into this mess, and maybe, in Jiang Cheng’s mind, he deserves the punishment. And that’s not to say that Jiang Cheng would agree with the Wen Clan, because obviously he does not, but part of me thinks he might be thinking, if only a flicker of a thought across his mind: “Serves him right.” I have a dark fascination for Jiang Cheng—I don’t want him to ever really be a good person hahaha.

Can I just point out that Lan Wangji never lets go of Wei Wuxian here, and it is a thing of beauty.

Until this moment, of course. Wen Chao asks if Lan Wangji wants to join Wei Wuxian in the dungeon, and 100% Lan Wangji was ready to do just that until Wei Wuxian stops him. He makes the decision to be taken alone. He doesn’t want Lan Wangji to get in any more trouble. He’s got to realize by now that Lan Wangji was taken to Qishan by force and probably finds that idea disturbing at the very least.

The look on his face really kills me here. Again Lan Wangji is in a situation where he is powerless. This is just like back at the Cloud Recesses. He fought—yes, he fought with everything he had, but in the end, he couldn’t stop them. He had to give up the Yin Iron shard, he had to go with the Wens to the indoctrination. And here is again: he tried to stand up to them, but ultimately he’s forced to give up and live to fight another day, as they say. And if you look at Jin Zixuan, he’s visibly annoyed—he feels like he shouldn’t be treated this way, that his standing in the Jin Clan should protect him from this. Lan Wangji, though? He looks defeated here. Not fall-on-the-ground-sobbing-defeated, but definitely defeated. He wants to do more, but realizes that he can’t. This whole mini arc for him is like one battle with himself after another. He’s struggling to find what exactly is his place in this world, what’s his place with Wei Wuxian, what’s his place in his own clan.

This fucking dog. I hate this. I hate that they went with practical over CG here. It looks so bad. Has anyone reading this seen Neverending Story? Yes? Okay, that’s what this reminds me of. 1980s special effects, but this was made in 2018. My friend and I are watching the series together (yes, I have two simultaneous rewatches going), and she likened this to Xena: Warrior Princess special effects. I think that’s pretty apt—1990s television, extremely cheesy and hokey. Honestly it ruins the whole scene for me. Xiao Zhan’s acting is great here—he is terrified of that fucking semi-animatronic dog at the other end of that cell. Although, I commented to my friend, if that had been a puppy, Wei Wuxian would have been just as terrified. I definitely relate. Dogs scare me—a lot sometimes. I had several dogs jump on me as a very young child and I’ve really never recovered. That doesn’t mean I don’t like dogs—I like them a lot! But I wouldn’t choose to be around a wild, poorly behaved dog. Like, just no.

Also, since I’m not really commenting on Wen Qing/Wen Ning stuff (because it’s mostly padding to me), but Wen Ning just wants to have friends! Wen Qing is coming from a good place, yes, but he has no fucking idea why she won’t let him talk to Wei Wuxian, a man who he clearly looks up to from the little interaction that they’ve had together. Honestly, I really wish they had kept in the archery contest when Wei Wuxian sees Wen Ning shooting arrows (I know they kind of moved it, but it’s not the same).

Wen Chao is really just trying to stop Wei Wuxian from actually breaking down this cheap-ass door. Seriously, it looks like it’s supposed to be rock, but it’s moving quite a bit. Now I’m just being mean, aren’t I? Honestly I love the low budget stuff (Mystery Science Theater 3000, anyone? I mean the good one. Not that crap that they put out recently), and I’m just poking fun.

Oh, my gosh, I just had a funny thought. How did Wen Chao know that Wei Wuxian was afraid of dogs? Maybe Jiang Cheng told him hahahaha. I mean, not like you’d need to be afraid of dogs to be terrified in that situation. It was a funny thought, in a dark way.

So I took this screenshot to set up a contrast. Lan Wangji is relieved to see Wei Wuxian alive and well, and in pretty good spirits for someone who spent the night with an enormous mythical-like dog. He doesn’t say anything—he just watches.

Jiang Cheng, on the other hand, at first is relieved to see Wei Wuxian, but he quickly pushes him away when Wei Wuxian attempts to make physical contact with him. This isn’t the first time. He did that in Lotus Pier as well. He doesn’t hesitate to brush Wei Wuxian off. I know that Jiang Cheng cares about Wei Wuxian—I know that—but he cares less about Wei Wuxian than he does about other things, like his family. There’s a distinction for him. Yanli, his mother, his father—they are all his family. Wei Wuxian was practically raised as his brother, but it’s clear that he doesn’t see him as a brother at all. He sees him as a subordinate, someone who should listen to him and report to him. I don’t think his anger here is that Wei Wuxian could have been killed, I think it’s more that Wei Wuxian could have caused the Jiangs trouble.

There’s a poignant sense of a loss of their youth here. So much has changed, and it’s changed for the worse. The sense that they took so much for granted is palpable. It’s really sad. And it’s not played for laughs at all. They all miss those days back at the Cloud Recesses when they goofed off, learned a lot, embarked on a journey to find the Yin Iron shards, a journey that ultimately was the root of all the chaos that they are currently living in (again, within CQL verse). I like how it’s just Jiang Cheng, Nie Huaisang, and Wei Wuxian who are actually having a conversation, but they keep panning over to Lan Wangji as they fondly remember their time in Gusu. Like the land he lives in, he has changed too. His scope of the world is so much bigger now: it’s not just about rules anymore, and who’s following or not following them. There are worse things than bringing Emperor’s Smile into the Cloud Recesses.

So Wen Chao has laid it all out before them now: Cloud Recesses has been taken over, Qinghe is going to be taken over, Jin Clan is cooperating but will be attacked if Jin Zixuan steps out of line, and Jiang Clan could be next. Jiang Cheng is obviously upset about the prospect, not to mention Wen Chao called his father a coward. It’s nice to see Wei Wuxian, who only a few hours ago was on the other side, trying to restrain someone else. But he knows now that the Wens are not above anything—murder, torture, absolute destruction—and Wei Wuxian is one of those people who doesn’t mind harm coming to himself, but cannot abide harm coming to others, especially those he is close to. But Wei Wuxian is obviously pissed too, and it’s taking every fiber of his being to resist the urge to lash out again. He understands now: they need to watch themselves during this indoctrination.

There was a time when I might have turned a blind eye to Jiang Cheng’s remarks here, when I might have assumed he was coming from a place of concern. This is not that time. Wei Wuxian is so caring, so kind, so welcoming, and Jiang Cheng is just none of those things. He is very much a person who places his own safety (and his family’s safety) above anything else; he is a person who doesn’t really get it when they say on the plane, “put your own mask on first before assisting others” because he would literally never not put his own mask on first. Know what I mean? And I think the concept of working together here, seeing the Gusu Lan Clan as allies, doesn’t phase him. He’s like, it’s us or them, and he chooses us. And this is all logical, but I’m only saying it because that’s not what Wei Wuxian is about. Wei Wuxian’s “us” includes the Jiang Clan (yes), but it also includes Lan Wangji, Nie Huaisang, and the other clans that are being held ransom by the Wens.

And I still say that Jiang Cheng is continually jealous of the attention that Lan Wangji receives. He wants to be the most important person in Wei Wuxian’s eyes—he is the future clan leader, after all. He wants Wei Wuxian to support him and him alone. He doesn’t understand this loyalty to another clan, especially someone like Lan Wangji, who he still thinks dislikes and disdains Wei Wuxian.

I love their faces. I love how genuine Wei Wuxian is here. I love how he asks several times how Lan Wangji’s leg is. I love how Lan Wangji stoically answers each time that he’s fine. And I hate that the episode ends right here lol. Look at that smile, though! How could you say no to that smile?

Other episodes: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 |

[sepublic]

Luz’s Denial of her Feelings

           You know what? I LOVE the idea of Luz actually low-key being in denial of Amity’s feelings towards her… Because Luz is in denial of her own feelings towards Amity! We know from Dana that Luz hasn’t noticed Amity’s crush yet, because she’s busy with a LOT of things in general (not to mention she’s ADHD-coded so her mind is constantly buzzing with a million thoughts at once no less)…

           But once she DOES have time to start noticing, how would she react? Would Luz get nervous, because she’s never been someone’s crush, ever? The girl has a subtle tendency to undervalue herself, and how much she means to people… This can result in Luz being selfless and not expecting anything in return, and while on her own she’s already that compassionate, this lack of self-love could admittedly jeopardize that. It’s why it means so much to Luz, whenever someone tells her outright –like King did for example- that she means a lot to them…!

           …But a crush? A romantic crush? This is Amity’s first big one. We don’t know what Luz’s love history is, if she’s had one… But either she’s not used to having a crush on an actual person that she personally knows, and/or she’s afraid of rejection. I feel like Luz is someone who probably DID try to be emotionally open with people besides Camila in the past, with fellow kids… Only to get shut down. To be closed off… Maybe someone DID get to know her, and was interested at first- But then they saw the ‘true’ Luz, and got turned off, and it broke her heart!

           Luz is always concerned about what she can do for others, about not judging them… And while she knows to be herself, there is this potential concern that, what if this causes her to deliberately undervalue the opinions of others about her as a result? Luz doesn’t let criticisms from other people get to her, but it also means she’s not sure how to handle when someone is really genuinely interested? Luz is too used to not letting others’ feelings about her affect how SHE feels… And while this has worked in the past because a lot of feelings towards her were negative, how does she handle ones that are positive?

           And I can see Luz just… running from this. Kind of a hilarious and a little angsty parallel to how Amity runs from her feelings for Luz. Kind of like how Luz runs from her fears during Grom, which was ALSO a rather Lumity-centered episode no less…! Luz doesn’t want to admit that Amity has a crush on her, because she really undervalues herself, and doesn’t know how to handle such an intimate opinion? Maybe Luz becomes afraid of letting down Amity, of losing her love and being rejected… So Luz overthinks how to be whatever makes her so lovable to Amity!

           Of course, Luz learns that Luz being herself is exactly what makes Amity love her… That Luz doesn’t need to focus on being this or that in particular, that her own existence as-is is already perfect, whatever she chooses for herself! On another note, I imagine Luz being in denial of Amity’s feelings and thus vice-versa, because aside from rejection; Maybe she thinks she isn’t good enough for the girl? Maybe Luz thinks Amity is too good for her… Luz wants the best for Amity, and sadly, she doesn’t see herself as that? To Luz, it’d be doing a disservice to her friend as well.

           Especially since she knows how harsh Odalia and Alador can be, Luz might not see herself as strong enough to protect Amity, either directly or by earning the Blight parents’ approval! Being in love with Amity would further complicate this dilemma, it’s easy to not care what THEY think… But they’re Amity’s parents, Amity has a lot of emotional stake in Odalia and Alador! Luz can’t just disregard that, so either she DOES acknowledge the feelings, or she doesn’t. Not to mention, Luz might be afraid of jeopardizing the hard work Amity has gone through, by convincing the girl to throw away everything she’s done just for Luz…

           And Luz would HATE to ask that of someone, as well as to make someone feel like they have to do that! She didn’t want Eda to lose her magic for her, so I can see Luz denying her and Amity’s mutual feelings, so she doesn’t encourage Amity to throw away her life’s purpose for a ‘loser’ like Luz, whom Amity may fall out of love with anyway! Because surely Amity doesn’t care THAT much…! Not to mention Luz is probably critical of how she’s hurt Amity in the past, maybe she’s afraid of hurting Amity’s feelings again…

           Perhaps for her AND Amity’s own good, the two shouldn’t be romantically involved- Even if Luz will of course be close friends no matter what! And while I see Amity also being content with that as well, it’s not good if this option is done in blatant denial to both parties’ true feelings. These girls need to be upfront about how they feel.

           Regardless, Luz pretends not to notice how Amity feels… Because taking cues from Ordinary, she’s afraid of having to go back home, and she doesn’t want to ‘let on’ Amity by ‘tricking her’ into thinking that Luz cares back- When in reality Luz really DOES, but she’s afraid of her own ability to provide romantically, of losing everything she’s had with Amity and jeopardizing that, instead of being content with the friendship they already have! She’s afraid of how much more it’ll hurt when she DOES have to go back home, and how much it’ll hurt Amity in turn… So why not deny both of their feelings, help Amity admit that this isn’t a thing?

           Maybe this could lead to something drastic on Luz’s side in a worst-case scenario, where she tries to avoid Amity… But of course, she remembers Grom. Not only did Luz not confront her worst fears, but Amity’s worst fear was Luz rejecting her… And there’s a difference between helping someone confront their fear, and forcing them to live through it. In the end, Luz knows that she’s being crueler to Amity in the long run by not acknowledging how she feels… And she’ll learn to be selfish for herself, and Luz will see how she’s being cruel to herself as well for not acknowledging these feelings!

          Like Eda dismissing the curse so Luz and King wouldn’t get worried about her, this is just putting a bandage and ignoring an issue… The sentiment is sweet, but in the end it’s best to be honest with your loved ones and not hurt them, and address things together. I mean, look at Lilith- SHE was in denial over her own issues with Eda, and didn’t want to openly confront the curse she’d cast… And look how badly THAT messed things up! If there’s one thing Lilith taught her, it was to acknowledge an issue and face it, to be honest with yourself and your own shortcomings, and only THEN can you overcome them…! If you try to hide the truth, even if it’s for the other’s own good… In the end, you’re only hurting every party involved, and being a coward in the process.

           With encouragement from her friends, such as Willow, or Emira and Edric (who are TOTALLY Lumity shippers, the OG ones and know of the crush), Luz can learn to be selfish. To get this thing she wants for herself, that she ISN’T confusing fantasy with reality this time –because that’s how she’ll try to dismiss it as first- and it CAN work out… And even if it doesn’t, there’s no way Luz and Amity can know unless they try, and even if it fails, that shouldn’t keep them from remaining close friends regardless! Regardless, Luz’s friends will remind her how brave and defiant she is, how she’ll always ask for it all both on her own behalf AND others’, just as Luz demanded multi-track learning for not just herself but the Detention Track kids as well!

           If Luz can do that- Well, she can give it a try with Amity, for both girls’ sake, right? She’s not alone in this… She’s not Amity’s sole connection, Luz’s help has ensured that Emira and Edric are there for her, and Amity is likely rekindling things with Willow, or at least both girls are willing to provide solace if not outright friendship. Maybe while dealing with the issue, Luz will try to reflect by getting Amity some other friends… And while that DOES help, there’s also an ulterior motive of trying to distance Amity from her, maybe even get Amity to fall in love with someone else who’s way more worthy! But in the end, Luz is actually being selfish for herself in a different, more harmful way, VS admitting her and Amity’s feelings for one another and acting on it. Don’t try to undervalue yourself, Luz, nor should you try to make Amity reconsider her feelings…

           After all, Luz values Amity’s agency, so if this is Amity’s choice, then it is! Amity HAS been indoctrinated, and I can see Luz being afraid that she lowkey ‘manipulated’ Amity into being in love with her, into being dependent… But in the end, that’s not at all what she did, and she already has other friends with their own input, who can put Luz back to reality- Such as Eda, King, Willow, and Gus! Maybe even Lilith, who ALSO learned to confront reality herself…! It’d be an interesting parallel to have Lilith’s willful ignorance of her issues with Eda, and the corruption of the system, VS Luz’s willful ignorance of her and Amity’s love for one another.

           Nevertheless- This is making me imagine a scenario where Emira and Edric are pursuing Luz to make her date their little sister, and force her to confront the truth, because they’ve got personal stake in this as well amidst wanting the best for Amity… And Luz is just running away from her feelings and in denial! It’s like that meme of a dude being chased down the hallway by a floating T-poser! Except it’s Luz who’s running from Ed and Em, who are emblematic of the truth of Amity’s feelings- And in the end, they’ll make it clear to Luz, that she’s breaking Amity’s heart more THIS way, than if she were to at least attempt a relationship with the girl and then have it fail. Because, at least both parties tried with one another, instead of deciding any attempts weren’t worth it nor had a point!

           And Luz… Well, you know the girl. She’s been learning more and more how much she’s been loved. Romantic love isn’t the same as familial love, nor is it better or worse… But still, if Luz can give familial love a try, having experienced it with Camila and with Eda and the rest; Maybe romantic love isn’t out of the question, either!

           Basically- You know those I won’t say I’m in love animatics for The Owl House? Imagine those, but it’s LUZ who’s singing, while being cheered on by Emira and Edric and/or Willow and Gus! Maybe even Eda, King, AND Lilith, for that matter…! Why not even throw in all of Luz’s other friends, because they’d be supportive of her as someone who’s definitely worth it… And it’d be hilarious if Amity herself joined in as well!

[nothisis-ridiculous]

Take Me Home Now: Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven: To The Place I Belong

Set after the events of ME3.

A rewrite. Ao3.

FemShepxKaidan

Evelyn ripped around the Recruit; the endless stream of energy the kid displayed was a thing of envy. She was an old soldier indeed- growing exhausted from just watching the child play about excitedly. Once she swore never to become that person, but it had progressed subconsciously. It was far more than a physical tired; emotionally and mentally, she was a strange form of exhaustion that taxed her brain to move on a typical day- on the worst days, it was immobilizing. "Please, just one more lift," the mousy-haired girl begged. "You're going to get me in trouble again." Evelyn pouted, "she's not watching right now. Plus, Rahna said she isn't mad it just makes her sad, which makes her act mad." "So you want to make her sad?" "No," but there was still a little bit of defiance in the utterance. "Plus, don't you want some of that energy for Pater?" "Ugh, we won't be there for  forever ."

"You could try napping in the Mako," Jane retreated as the kid threw her a cross look, "or you could write another log." The kid was precocious, but Jane liked that about her. She was only privy to the existence of the log because of her Spectre status. Evelyn had believed what all others would take as a lie at face value. Claiming a secret mission, the kid was more than onboard to keep mum about the existence of a previous life. Though Evelyn may begrudge her later, Jane hadn't utterly lied to her. "But, you're doing dangerous things," Evelyn whined. Super dangerous if they allowed the seven-year-old to bother her, no doubt, "I suppose I am. How about you help me keep an eye out for any baddies?" It kept her entertained for a while, at least until Jane started to recognize some of the roads again. Her detail was ornamental at this point the route had been quiet. Who would disturb a company of Makos and Kodiak shuttles? Having boots on the ground was only required because of the state of chaos the city was under from reasons that ran from collapsed structures to faulty ordinances. The medical equipment was worth far more than creds; it was a step toward rebuilding. Jane paused once the building crested the horizon, the corpse of Harbinger in rest behind it. Her hand raised, bringing the caravan to an immediate halt. "What's the holdup?" the 2nd lieutenant buzzed over her comm. "I want a scan of this area, "Jane couldn't quite place the exact threat, it was an absurd tingle that whispered caution, "get behind me." The woman's demeanor bid the child to comply. "Mec-" Jane's pistol fired a split second before the comm's warning, blasting the processing 'head' clean off the LOKI unit. "Woah, Woah, Woah," a figure shouted from between the buildings, the white-haired figure raised his hands, "just mechs, Recruit." "Pater!" Evelyn cried, running from her side without a hint of caution. Half tackling the man with the ferocity of her joy, but he recovered quickly, spinning the girl around before setting her down. Holding her hand for the rest of the trip to the convoy. Roy's forehead knocked against her's, hands holding her face, "fucking hell, Recruit." "LT." "Jane, you-" his voice quivered before it left, pushing her aside with unintended belligerence. His steps were wobbly as he approached the short woman wearing a sour expression. They stared at one another. He stopped just out of arms reach from the woman. "I'm not going to smack you, you old geezer." The LT muttered something unintelligible as he swept the woman up into his arms. Cue the crying and all the grotesque cuteness one could endure from the scene. Jane had to look away; it was like watching her parents kiss. It was something better left unimagined and unseen, and sure it happened just somewhere else. The pang of envy was also unbearable, despite how happy she felt for them. It was time to look for an exit. Apparently, after trouble ran into her- "It's nice to see some of the Alenko family reunited." "Is this a joke to you?" envy helped pull a simmering anger into a seething mass of it. Rahna remained gentle, undaunted, "it would be good for all of you to have some closure." Logic bid that Strawberry couldn't have known that her Roy was the Major's father. While she knew who Helen was, Jane hadn't been exactly willing to spend any time with another person during her recovery. It all seemed obvious now if she hadn't been so clouded with grief and self-gratifying misery. "Please, let me go," Jane begged. ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ Harbinger's warm (for London) breath collided around her form. They sat in a prolonged stalemate of silence, the Reaper judging the creature before him. What was a flawed creature of flesh compared to a collective intelligence? This ant was pathetic, hardly able to pose a threat to itself. Yet here it sat, thinking it was worthy of words. But it wasn't without pithy for the small things. "Death wouldn't claim you." Why would it? The real punishment was surviving. Reliving the guilt without a

barrier to stop the whole barrage of the tide. While she fought and campaigned against forces that seemed impossible, she had a way to hold back the pain. A reason to forget, a goal that kept her focused on what was forward and not on the past. The failure of losing one homeworld seemed small compared to the loss of all advanced life in the Milky Way. But now, with time, without a goal to keep her focus forward the weight of Thessia, Earth, The Citadel, Palavan, and countless untold colonies compounded together. Her personal failures insult to the injury. If only she could have provided more evidence about the Reaper threat. If she had tried harder, been louder, would they have listened to her? Was it a mistake to abandon Cerebrus? They were evil, no doubt, but could those resources have made the difference? If they had managed to find the Catalyst earlier, the galaxy would have suffered less loss. Instead of the Illusive Man needing to make her an enemy, would her compliance have stopped the indoctrination of the organization? Had she pushed them to that extreme? Was it a mistake to not take the Dalatrass's deal and fool the krogan? Even if for a short while. Was her moral qualm worth the lives and time it took? There was always more she could have given. Her repentance must be witnessing the Galaxy struggle to rebuild after what she had brought upon it. "Who would believe you were Shepard?" Just another facet she wanted to forget. How could she face his parents? Was it wrong to stick around? Helen was a nominal presence in her life, but the LT... him she couldn't forsake. Roy's company brought her peace, likely out of familiarity, a brief reprieve from the current of guilt that swept her under. Guilt she didn't want to bring into their relationship, shame that her attempt to save his son had failed. She wasn't ready to talk about Kaidan or the Normandy. It was still too much of a burden, the force petrifying her humanity. What would it change between them? Or the way everyone looked at her? Would they shun her for what she could no longer be? Couldn't she steal a little light? At the time, she hadn't saved the man for Kaidan, but at least she could protect them now. Or try her damnedest as Jane, as much would not be expected from her. "I see we found Harold again," a graveled voice chided disapprovingly. Jane flinched at the physical contact, finding her words to come out in a tumbling mess, "shouldn't you be shacking up with your old lady?" "Who's to say I haven't." Now, this was super gross, "you picked a fun one." His eyebrow raised, but he otherwise ignored the undertone of Jane's statement, "Alenko men always pick a partner far out of their league. I think my son really took the cake, though." Jane tensed, waiting for the inevitable. He knew. He had to. Rahna wouldn't keep quiet, not now. Why else would he leave his wife? Nearly two years' absence was nothing compared to a stranger disappearing for a month. "A Spectre is a Spectre, and never for an arbitrary reason," she retorted defensively, no longer waiting for the blow to come. It was also a little personal- she loathed whenever someone implied Kaidan simply rode her coattails. Yes, he was monumentally important in her crusade, but the man was his own force to be reckoned with. He was capable, intelligent, level-headed, and most of all kind. It was rare to have someone never ask anything of her, as he had. Rarer to not be put on a pedestal, the Major had always seen her as human. As a person and not the title. Despite how challenging the distance between them had been, she would always respect that he never wavered on his choice to act independently from her. "Heh, did someone have a celebrity crush?" Roy shook his head, "I didn't come here to reminisce. I wanted to speak with you about something." "Okay, let's have it." He took in a deep breath, folding his arms in a manner that made her question how she had missed the resemblance, "about that day, the raid. Look, I appreciate what you were trying to do for me, but never do

that again." "I can't promise that," she returned flatly. "You know," he drew in a steadying breath, his tenor turning into a heartbreaking rumble, "it's possible you have people out there that care about you. You're a stubborn shit, but you're becoming like one of my own. Maybe you can't imagine someone coming back for you, but one day someone's going to thank me for keeping your sorry ass alive for them." "You can lecture me all you like then," she quipped, but the hot tears slipping out from the corners of her eyes betraying her true feelings. Roy's hand returned to her shoulder, letting the woman release in complete silence. He waited a few minutes after her shaking had stopped to speak again. "But you should come inside, there may or may not be a banner with your name on it awaiting you," he said wryly, "while I think Evelyn may not mind all the attention on her, she does not need that much cake."

[ouyangzizhensdad]

Do you think wangxian's relationship would have changed in any way had WSX not been kicked out of the Cloud Receses?

I am better picking apart holes in canon-divergence idea than I am at thinking through a canon-divergence idea. I guess it might be true that people who suck at things become critics 😉.

Okay, let me give this my best try.

WWX would have continued to try to get closer to LWJ and continued to play little childish pranks on him to try to get his attention. Would he go as far as to try to get punished to copy the rule book again, just in case LWJ would also supervise him? Would LQR realise that WWX was ‘bothering’ his precious pupil and nephew and warn WWX off ‘harassing’ LWJ (which would only force WWX in being more creative in his attempts)? Possible. I don’t think WWX was ready at that age, and with his entanglement with the Jiang sect, to realise that he had a crush on LWJ and try to woo him in any way. 

LWJ, on the other hand, would have gotten more and more ruffled, and more and more reactive--which would only encourage teenage WWX more. Would have LWJ worked through his feelings and his repression faster if he had spent more time with WWX? I don’t know--did he just need the time to do it, the time to grow, to reflect, to face this new information about himself? Would he have needed until the Wen Indoctrination camp to finally accept that these feelings were there, and true, and that they would not change? 

We have to consider that WWX leaves the CR just when LWJ is starting to see the kind of person WWX is under his persona and all the mischief he’s up to. He’s seen WWX’s skills and smarts, as well as his heart, when they were fighting the water ghouls and when he risked his life to save Su She. Would having more opportunities to see these sides of WWX help LWJ reconcile himself with his feelings in a shorter window of time? It’s possible. After all, even if LWJ fell in love at first sight, he loves WWX for who he is, which is why he believes in him so strongly. 

Of perhaps more importance, would WWX and LWJ have had a relationship by the end of WWX’s stay at the CR where WWX would not be inclined to believe that LWJ hated him or disapproved of him? Probably. And if so, this change alone would have tremendous repercussions. It would change their interactions during the Wen archery competition, in the Xuanwu cave, during the Sunshot campaign and thereafter. Or would WWX leave the CR thinking that LWJ really never warmed up to him, and seemed only to want to censure him? 

Self-indulgent extras:

WWX stumbles upon the bunnies and realises that LWJ kept them. He lies in wait for LWJ to come and feed them and then “harrass” him a little with jokes. Somehow, without them saying anything, it becomes a ritual. WWX realises how fun it is to talk to someone boring like LWJ, even when he never seems to say anything beside “嗯”.

WWX asks LWJ to practice sword fighting with him since no other disciple of their generation is as skill as he is (JC yells in the background about how much of an arrogant prat he’s being). LWJ remains silent, incapable of saying no, and WWX gets him to agree to fight with him only this one, Lan Zhan please, just this one time at least!

JC gets punished for losing his temper at some point, nothing that earns him a particular significant punishment, but WWX never lets him live it down. He goes to spy on his during his punishment just to make fun of him and JC, knowing he’ll only get punished even more, nearly pops a blood vessel trying to keep the rage inside (later that night they wrestle and JC tries to put a sock in his mouth, so that you’ll maybe shut up for once, you insufferable moron).

LWJ becomes increasingly good at catching WWX when he’s trying to sneak out to Caiyi Town. WWX accepts all the punishments with mild grumbling. LQR, feeling like WWX is not learning his lesson, makes him copy down the rule books while doing handstands. WWX becomes increasingly ripped, and LWJ becomes increasingly constipated while supervising him for no reasons at all, none whatsoever. 

WWX gets caught again trying to help NHS cheat on his test. NMJ is called to meet with LQR and while NHS shits his pants, all the disciples are looking forward to being able to see and meet NMJ because he’s just so cool and manly and strong and cool. WWX copies while doing handstands and complains that NHS is not required to do the same. Wei-xiong do you really think I’d even be able to keep that position for a second? 

The disciples go on a nighthunt supervised by LQR and they hate every second of it. LWJ comes to help keep the disciples in check, but he spends his whole time keep his eye on WWX who wanders around to go look for clues. They manage to get separated from the group and to have to fight a resentful spirit on their own with teamwork, don’t we make a good team, Lan Zhan? wouldn’t you say so?

LWJ goes into secluded mediation for a week or two (to improve his cultivation.... or to meditate the gay away, choose your own story) and it’s not like WWX misses him, who would miss the company of a stick-in-the-mud like Lan Zhan! Well, maybe someone could miss the view, since Lan Zhan is so pretty it is almost unfair, but that’d be the end of it. There’d be no other reason to want someone so boring around. In fact, I didn’t even notice Lan Zhan hasn’t been around these past five days. I wouldn’t even know how long it’s been. 

JYL congratulating WWX in her letters for making a new friend, and hoping he will invite him to LP. WWX invites LWJ again but warns him that he has to come for sure because if he doesn’t he will disappoint the best and most perfect woman in the world, and LWJ is a peerless gentleman, he wouldn’t dare do that. And JYL makes the best lotus root soup, you have to try it, Lan Zhan, and it’s not even spicy so it’s perfect for someone like you who’s used to only eating rabbit food. 

[crimsonblazw]

Zero-one is the perfect start to a new generation

artist credit:https://twitter.com/r5WitWG0y8Poz0K/status/1300385462972866560?s=20

Introduction

Kamen rider Zero-one concluded last week and I believe it to be a very strong first entry into the Reiwa era of Kamen rider. On the surface it's back to basics with a grasshopper themed main character and simple animal motifs for his forms and the other riders while the major motif of the season centers around Artificial intelligence and the concepts of free will,dreams,and empathy.

At first glance you'd have several preconceived notions about the series,but there is FAR more than meets the eye.

Story and themes

Structurally this season of KR is made up of bigger arcs (four in total) which break down into smaller two episode arcs that make up the week to week episodes which allowed the show to maximize the monster of the week formula while the main story progresses at it's own pace (the best way to do KR in my opinion), this pairs well with one of Zero-one's biggest strengths; world building.

Each two episode arc explores the humagears' place in society and they're overall relationship with humans leading to a diverse range of dynamics that get explored over the course of the show with very few stones left unturned.

In general the thesis of the show is built on the beliefs of the humagears' creator Hiden Korenosuke,that humagears will help humanity achieve the their dreams.

At first you can take this literally given humagears can be thought of as "tools" for day to day life when in reality they where meant to grow along with humans (in other words reach singularity) and use their own passions and dreams to elevate those of humans and vice versa,the significance being that humans by nature are empathetic and social beings who have only made it so far as a species due to our ability to care for one another, humagears are meant to help humanity achieve our full potential faster.

The challenges this idea faces is a society that not only wants humagears and humans alike to become nothing more than "beasts of burden" for the upper class but also it's mirror opposite;the potential malice and selfishness that ultimately destroys lives and dreams,all of this being synonymous with the classic fiction trope or A.I. and robots representing the inhumane treatment of the common person.

Characters

While the overall show and it's smaller stories make up the backbone of the show the main characters are the heart, having arcs that represent the exact message the themes of the show are trying to communicate.

Aruto Hiden/Zero-one- Our main character. He has the staple good heart of a main rider with a strong belief in the power of dreams.

His arc is flat in order to inspire the other characters around him and further their own growth while having his own convictions tested the challenges of the show. He's very endearing and seeing how he overcomes every obstacle (even when it's crushing him) is the mark of a good main rider.

Izu-Aruto's humagear partner. It's easy to dismiss Izu's growth but her change is present but subtle. She goes from following Korenosuke's initial directives to making her own decisions,she starts off confused by Aruto's jokes but begins repeating them,and she goes from being Aruto's secretary to being his family. The evolution of her and Aruto's relationship is heartwarming and gives them on the best male/female lead dynamic in the franchise.

Fuwa/Vulcan-He starts as a staunch humagear hating foil to Aruto and a rather typical secondary rider. But after discovering his entire mindset has been "crafted" by those who want to control him his arc blossoms into a great story of a man taking back control of his life and rejecting the false and toxic ideals forced on to him, resulting in arguably the best arc in the show.

Yua/Valkyrie- While her arc can be easy to miss she represents those who unintentionally surrender their personhood to those above them while believing they retain their independence. Despite some lacking screentime she does recognize her worth and atonomy and reclaims her life (not unlike her partner Fuwa) and I hope future female riders follow her example (but with more screentime).

Horobi and Jin- Our two initial villains and the heads of the humagear terrorist cell Metsubojinrai.net.

Horobi begins as a steadfast believer in his "master" the Ark and shares it's beliefs in the extermination of humanity, beliefs he tries to pass to his "son" Jin who has concerns about their violent and forceful methods before becoming indoctrinated.

As the show goes on Jin begins to develop his own beliefs separate from Horobi while Horobi begins to experience a crisis of faith. They're dynamic is unique in KR and their arc is a perfect representation of the kinds of toxic concepts that can be passed down from parent to child but with time can be unlearned.

Gai/Thouser- One of the two major villains in the show. In many ways he's a more serious version of Dan from Ex-aid, his main position in this story being a stand-in for the greedy ruling class who will destroy as many lives as they want so long as they get what they want.

He's genuinely impressive in terms of how well calculated his plan is and absolutely loathsome for the fact he essentially caused everything wrong in the series. His eventual "redemption" is VERY hard to swallow but for food or ill does fit with the shows themes of overcoming our worst aspects and also doesn't bend over backwards to make him sympathetic.

Naki/Raiden-the other two members of Metsubojinrai.net. Wish they had gotten more screentime, especially since Naki seemed like a character that would have been cool to see more of. I do like them still and think it's cool they got their own happy endings.

The final arc

This deserves it's own section. The final arc is one of the most bold and interesting final arcs in the franchise and in my opinion is the best one since Drive.

The asset that really makes this part of the show work is the "final boss" the Ark. Despite seeming like a generic "evil entity" final boss commonly seen in toku the Ark is a methodical and truly evil being.

The Ark represents the darkest parts of human existence, mainly that our compassion/love can be easily turned into malice when the hardships of the world take it's tole on us.

Going deeper the ark's "philosophy" can also be seen as a parallel to those who think humanity is better off destroyed because of humans alleged inherent cruelty,not realizing that not only are humans not inherently cruel but that mindset is at most a trauma based response to the hardships of the world or a hypocritical mindset that give those who think it a free pass to be malicious and hateful while thinking they're "enlightened" for recognizing the alleged folly of man.

The Ark utilizes these concepts in it's final plan when it manipulates Aruto and Horobi take each other to their lowest points by having them kill each other's most treasured person,the duel between the two fueling human/humagear tension to the point of war,and it did this all without being around for most of it.

Aruto is so besides himself with grief that he essentially abandons his dream,I think what stood out to me was Fuwa attempting to stop Aruto and pointing out that Aruto is where he used to be,full of rage and hatred that can only be overcome with someone else showing you genuine empathy, which is what Fuwa is attempting to give to Aruto as a parallel to when Aruto did it for him.

The final battle is not only between Horobi and Aruto but between Malice and empathy. And in the end the two breaking down and recognizing each other's pain with Aruto winning but sparing Horobi is the final "test" of what fully realized empathy is.

Outro

2020 has been rough. I think more than ever we see what's wrong with the world and what we need to do to fix it. Whether it was intentional or not Zero-one was the rider I think we needed right now.

In a society that doesn't value empathy ,unity,or dreams we have to elevate each other and hold on to our passions and dreams for the future.

Thanks for reading ! Please like and share ! And feel free to share your thoughts. Keep your eyes peeled for future posts! Best wishes friend

[unfortunately-inlove]

What would I say if I reached out to you?

I don’t, because I’m scared that it will cause you undue distress or it will crush me into a million pieces again if you react with hostility. And I think waiting for you to see the message and answer it (or not answer it) would give me a stroke tbh. But if I did, what would I say? Would I keep it short and to the point?

“Dear (redacted), please don’t feel pressured to respond to this message if you don’t want to. I don’t want to cause you distress and if hearing from me is upsetting, you don’t need to reply. If you don’t answer I won’t reach out again. I just wanted to say that I think of you often. I wish that we were at peace with each other and that we could simply live on the social media edges of each other’s lives. I hope you love the life you have now. I hope you’re able to remember most of our memories fondly. Be well.”

Or would I tell her everything in one, huge message?

“Hey, it’s me. Don’t feel pressured to respond if you don’t want to. If you don’t answer I won’t reach out again.

I wanted you to know that I think about you often. And I’ve thought a lot about talking to you, but I haven’t up til now because I didn’t want to cause undue pain or distress. I did unblock you on everything just in case you ever wanted to talk to me, though.

I want you to know that I am still so sorry for what I did. I shouldn’t have told Austin. There’s no excuse I can give that ever would make it okay. You know it was never my intention to out you to your father or to school though, and I never wanted to harm you. I was overcome with emotion at the time because I was concerned for your soul because you were becoming wiccan. And Austin saw me crying and he and James and I took a walk, and it came out as one of the reasons I was worried.

I only say all of that as an explanation but not an excuse. I’m older, and less of an idiot, and have more self control. We were both subject to a certain level of religious indoctrination and intolerance and that heavily influenced my actions, of course. But I wasn’t a kid, I was 17 and I shouldn’t have said anything that wasn’t mine to say. Regardless of the beliefs pumped into me from school (and other influences, of course.) Again, just an explanation of my actions but not an excuse. I wish that James had talked to me first before he told you what I did so I could have told you myself instead. I wonder if that would have changed anything, though.

But it took me a long time to realize that that event was just the final nail in the coffin of our friendship, I think. There were a lot of things that I didn’t even remember had happened until we weren’t friends anymore.

You kissed me. New Year’s Eve. Did you have a crush on me? Or did you just kiss me to kiss a woman? You had me and Julianne watch porn with you, on your porch when we were kids. I saw a woman put a lightbulb in her vagina. Your physical boundaries with me were odd, and I never realized it because I loved you and didn’t think anything negative of you. You had me spoon you, when you were cold. Was that platonic?

Towards the end of our friendship (the last year or so) I always got the vibe that you thought I was stupid, or at least not as intelligent as you. I remember confronting you about it once on the phone, and you apologizing and saying it was “a part of you that you didn’t like.” The funny thing is, I actually can’t remember a single instance of you talking down to me. But I remember talking to you about those instances on the phone, so I know they happened. This is how I found out that my brain represses memories that make me upset. That’s why I didn’t talk to you about most of these things; I forgot that they happened. I literally forgot that you kissed me. You were my first kiss, technically.

The things that happened after we split caused me to basically want to kill myself 24/7. You dating Austin when you knew that I loved him. I thought you did it to spite me. Did you really like him? I cried in the school bathroom for hours when he asked you to prom with cooked he had decorated himself.

I also saw the text your mom sent you, on the bus ride to kings island for our senior trip. The one where she told you to ditch me at the trip with a laughing emoji. That really broke my heart. Your mom was like family to me. Did you tell her the truth of what happened? Did her opinion of me change so intensely because of the truth or did you tell her something else?

Talking to your dad in the parking lot before our senior prom. He called me Miss Claire, as he always did, said long time no see, and asked me about my new car. I told him I bought it for 400 dollars from a friend, and he was shook and said that’s what he paid for his first car back when dinosaurs still roamed the earth. Did you tell him we weren’t friends anymore? Did he know?

Honestly, I feel a little bit like you experimented on me from childhood into our teens as you were discovering your sexuality. But I did it to you too in a completely different way. You gave me a sexuality crisis for a long time, haha. So it’s a little unnerving because I had completely forgotten it but I can hardly blame you. But as we got older it just felt like you didn’t like me as much anymore or saw me as an equal.

My life is better now. I went to a lot of therapy and stopped wanting to die. I went to college, dropped out of college, and enrolled in cosmetology school. I made new friends and resparked old ones. Honestly the best thing that came out of our relationship exploding was that I reconnected with two of my best friends from grant county and I see them often now. Courtney comes to spend the night at least 3x a month, except when she goes home for the summer. I joined several dnd groups. I met what I’m pretty sure is the love of my life and we’ve been together for almost two years now, and he’s proposing to me on our 2 year anniversary. Copy cat died in august of 2020. I got two kittens named Winter and Tobi Tangerine. I also fixed my relationship with James too, though we’re not as close as we used to be. I got older. I got less stupid. I tried to make less regrets and keep my mouth shut more. I stopped getting involved in other people’s shit and it’s benefitted me greatly.

Speaking of getting involved in other people’s shit, I did kind of lose my mind after we imploded and I did a lot of stuff to people and poked my nose where it didn’t belong. I anonymously texted Maci’s dad to tell him she regularly drove over 90 in a 55 with her feet on the dash and that I was worried for her safety. She found out because I had to ask trace for his dads number and he ratted me out and she was rightfully pissed at me for being a nosy jackass. She also told me and Becca about how bad she wanted to punch Kelsey in the face, so I told Kelsey she said that and they were both mad at me. I don’t think I would have done this stuff normally but I wasn’t in a good frame of mind and thought I was helping when I really was just ruining the friendships I had left. I figured that out later in therapy tho.

I hope you’re doing well at college. I look at you and your moms Facebook page maybe 2x a year or so, and just think about everything all over again. I saw you got a boyfriend a while ago, and I wish I could have heard you excitedly tell me about it. I wish that if our friendship did end, it would have ended peacefully with us just texting each other less and less until we simply coexisted peacefully on the edges of each’s others lives, occasionally liking each other’s Facebook post. Rather than going out in an explosion of bad decisions and bad feelings.

I hope you’re well. I hope you love the life you have now. I hope you’re at peace with who you are. I hope you’ve forgiven me. It’s ok if you haven’t. I just hope you have.”

[applepumpkinblue]

Blundstones and Neo-Nazis

February 4, 2021

Romper Stomper (1992). Directed by: Geoffrey Wright. Produced By:  Film Victoria. Starring: Russell Crowe (Hando), Daniel Pollock (Davey), Jacqueline McKenzie (Gabe), Alex Scott (Martin).

Romper Stomper is a film that depicts the lives of a group of Neo-Nazis as their cohesiveness disintegrates in the face of a changing society. The film juxtaposes two reactions to this disintegration in the characters of Hando and Davey. Whereas Hando becomes unhinged and lashes out increasingly shunning the needs of his group as well as the reality of his situation, Davey questions the practicality of following Hando down his spiral. Such a contrast is made more apparent by the love interest of the film, Gabe, whose relationship with Hando suffers as Hando loses his control over his life, while her relationship with Davey grows to have feelings of love in a group where genuine care is scarce.

The film intends to depict the uncompromising nature of white nationalism. At the very beginning of the film, Hando is surrounded by a group of friends who party together and all share in the revelry of their perceived racial superiority. Yet, as he is asked to yield ground on his beliefs, whether that be to allow the Vietnamese-Australians to buy his favorite bar, or when the hanger-on women of his group disapprove of murder, He doubles-down on his erroneous belief that following the dogma of white nationalism is the right course of action.

The film succeeds in bringing its point across not through the character of Hando, but through the choices that Davey makes when presented with the same situation. For example, to Hando, Gabe is another sexual conquest to had his way with while he praises Adolf Hitler and the 4th Reich, yet to Davey, she represents someone that took the time out of her life to care for him when he became wounded. She shows him a side of the world to which he is not accustomed, and demonstrates that Davey is not as indoctrinated into racial theory as Hando. He wants the companionship that Hando has shown him in this group, but is less ardent in displaying active hatred. Tellingly, it is only after Gabe kicks the Vietnamese owner of the pub that Davey finds it alright to show off in front of her and beat the man bloody. This conflict of values between the love and care he seeks and the racist world to which he belongs come to a head in the final scene on the beach. There, as Hando is suffocating Gabe with all his animalistic hatred, Davey choses to put an end to his friend’s life, and thereby putting an end to his last link to his former life. Davey’s choice not to subdue Hando, but to straight out kill him, show the only response that white nationalism offers to all its adherents, either you stand with the neo-Nazis, or you oppose them; both options lead to the eradication of the other.

The most obvious comparison for Romper Stomper is American History X (1998). This Tony Kaye film depicts the life of a white nationalist in America as he tries to rehabilitate his life. Both films show the unforgiving nature of becoming involved in the male dominated, racist world of white nationalism. The depict men having huge booze filled parties, and networks of friendships that consider each other as close as kin due to their racial parity. The endings to both films hint at the same message, though American History X offers a take that is far more tragic than its Australian cousin. For while there is a redemptive component at play in the character of Davey, in American History X, no matter what strides Derek Vinyard makes in his own relationship with other races, his family still suffers for his chosen past.

  Punk rock is a genre defined by short bursts of anti-authoritative energy. To this end, the backing tracks to the fight scenes in Romper Stomper are extremely effective in energizing its audience. While the actions on screen are hateful depictions of racially motivated crimes, the backing tracks bolster the positions of both sides of the conflict. If you are watching this movie with the intent of idolizing Hando, then the lyrics of the “Fourth Reich Fighting Man” will confirm not only the glory of the cause that you are fighting for, but also that there is already an established group of people making action music for your movement. Likewise, if you see yourself represented in the plight of the Vietnamese-Australians climbing up the tire structure to defend their newly acquired bar, then the lyrics of songs that are filled with hatred towards all types of minorities will make your own blood boil and beg for these men to be destroyed. The soundtrack to Romper Stomper underlies the message of the film that hate breeds hate.

On a personal note, one of the things that struck me the most is how much the neo-Nazis of Australia love Blundstones. This made sense to me the more I thought about it. Blundstones are an Australian product, and they love all things made to represent white Australia so of course this would be no different. The only thing is that I have spent a lot of years among liberal arts students of all races, religions and creeds, and we LOVE a good Blunstone too. So to see such an iconic piece of Halifax liberalism crushing the hand of a Vietnamese man who is trying to escape a gang of neo-Nazis, well, that woke me up.

Review: https://www.theguardian.com/film/australia-culture-blog/2014/jan/10/romper-stomper-classic-australian-film

In this review, Luke Buckmaster ponders at the nature of the film’s ending, questioning if  “Wright being ironic? Sarcastic? Dabbling in some kind of horrible last-minute black comedy? Hando's takedown feels mean-spirited at best and sadistic at worst.” While I feel like in a traditional movie, this is worth considering, Hando is hardly a usual protagonist. Even an anti-hero like Walter White has some modicum of sympathy that the audience can cling to in order to make the case that they are cheering for him. In Romper Stomper there is no attempt to sway the pathos of the audience. Hando does not try to redeem himself, or overcome his personal shortcomings. To Mr. Buckmaster I reply, that there is no irony in Hando’s death. It is the rightful cathartic end to a life that bred racial hatred and was wholly unapologetic about it. This is also to the benefit of Wright’s defense in filming a movie filled with hateful scenes of racial violence. At no point does he try to make Hando a sympathetic character, precisely because there is no redeemable quality in the way that Hando relates to his ideological stance.

Overall I give this film a 7/10. This falls within the realm of movies that come to have surprised me in some way. Romper Stomper is an action movie filled tale that verges on being moralizing without holding its audience’s hand. The main Faultline it falls on is that its message might be too subtle for its own good. In the quick google search I found at minimum two racially motivated killings or slaughters whose perpetrators drew inspiration from this very movie. Regardless of the artistic intent behind the film, such a real life consequence within the content that Wright presents has to come with a dire warning that it did not do enough to dissuade its audience that Hando is no hero. Even in his own review, Luke Buckmaster, whom I have to assume is no neo-Nazi glorifier finds the death of Hando possibly ‘mean-spirited’. A narrative that lacks blatant condemnation of white-nationalist ideologies while degrading its protagonist leaves Hando as an idol, martyr and symbol for all those who believe in that hatred.

[merrysithmas]

you may have talked about this before but do you believe boris already knew he was queer and first approached theo bc he liked him or that he started crushing after they developed a close friendship and theo was what made him question his sexuality? i think theres reasons to believe either side- boris being bold enough to cuddle him in bed seems like he was making a move but him suddenly “loving” kotku seems like an impulsive move out of fear bc he realized he might like a boy. oof idk

I think Boris knew he was attracted to boys — which is evident by his playful, charming, almost teenaged-desperate pursuit of Theo. I think he probably inherently knew this about himself for a long time. I think Boris has always been physically attracted to boys since he’s entered puberty and since he’s still a young teen it is kind of a fun, funny, interesting, enlivening thing for him.

He’s never had a stable life and despite being all over the world he’s led an extremely sheltered existence in a certain way with only one terrible person as his constant (Vladimir). Boris lets it slip to Theo that everywhere the miners go they are hated — this includes Boris. Boris is hated by the public everywhere they go. So long as he is part of their unit, he is hated. That is mortifying to intelligent good-natured Boris. That is why he learns to slip out and around, to be so personable and friendly. His world travels have not been so glorious but probably rather extremely lonely and isolating (as with Judy in Canada), hurtful, and damaging. That is why Bami and Judy (and eventually, Theo) stand out to him so much — people who were kind to him in a childhood of isolated misery and directionlessness. Boris has no moral hang ups about his same-sex attraction - why should he? This directionlessness in his key developmental years is also a good thing: He never grew up around any sort of organized belief systems or stayed bound within an orthodox culture for too long for it to indoctrinate him as its own.

I think people really underestimate how incredibly remote and friendless Boris’ life must have been. Boris is a cheerful boy who Theo says is often plagued by black moods and sullen attitudes. He is an abused and secluded child dragged from location to location with literally no love or stability and constantly brutally beaten to the point where it does not even phase him. Boris actually equates love with that abuse — and nonchalantly claims his father loves him. That is painful to read, that amount of damage.

Living with a bunch of derelict miners whose leader was HIS FATHER (so surely then mostly assholes) and who are “hated everywhere they go” Boris has probably seen any NUMBER of things a conservative-minded person would (likely often erroneously) see as “morally unacceptable” — it’s like Boris is traveling the world with a crew of pirates. He’s probably seen drinking, all kinds of drugs commonly used in front of his face. He has esoteric knowledge about drug use that a child of his age should not — so he was taught by the miners: roll like this, dont include the stems, never mix this, tuck snuff like this, you can get this kind of drug here here and here, it isn’t safe if it doesn’t look like this. His young child’s mind eager to learn sucked up this black information from men who probably didn’t have a second thought to a child or what his developmental needs were. He’s probably first hand witnessed sex workers copulating with his father’s crew (how else would be have learned about the opportunity to lose his virginity in an Alaskan parking lot to a sex worker?), definitely thievery, and said he saw his father murder a man in the mine once and cover it up. Boris’ mind is full of a lifetime of this morally shadowed behavior being presented as normal, or at least secret but common.

I think he understands his attraction to boys in this same way. I think he feels it isn’t “appropriate” to share with Outsiders but it is something that Happens, something that is no one’s business but his own, and something that brings him pleasure and happiness and therefore something he will look for. However he knows it isn’t common or visible or “appropriate” to be showy about it in front of others — especially not people who could judge him (kids at school), kick him out (society), or hurt him (his father). Boris treats his attraction to Theo like his other vices and “bad” habits - barrels head first — but secret: deep dive into happy drug use (but don’t show his dad), steals everything he ever needs (but don’t let them see, put it in my coat), lies when it suits him (lies to Xandra and Larry and his father and Theo too), happily sleeps with Theo and has sex with him (but this is between you-and-me).

He knows other people might have a problem with his actions — but he does not. So that’s his hangup there. He is aware of and ever-vigilant of his surroundings. School: a safe place isolated from his father. He is free and happy to do what he wants at school — including crush on and go after Theo who he clearly likes. He thinks Theo is cute, flirts with him, tries to get him to notice him, talks to him after class, sits next to him on the bus, begs him to come over his house, tries to impress him with far-flung stories, gives him alcohol because it’s what he’s seen his father’s men do in pursuit of romantic partners or as a bonding ritual with one another.

Theo’s house is also a safe place. So safe in fact that Boris starts to leave behind some of the maladjusted development of his childhood and become more of a happy, clear-minded person. Boris and Theo suffer from arrested development and one of themes of the book is childhood lost. They are forced to mimic adults either knowingly or unknowingly, and act in ways that children should not have to in order to survive this Adult World alone. With one another they begin to heal from their traumas, their affection for one another the catalyst. Theo cooks for him, talks to a babbling eager-to-talk Boris (imagine how few people have listened to or understood the ideas of a smart boy like Boris, often surrounded by oafish alcoholics, his violent father where he is expected to keep quiet, or cultures where he does not speak the language), Theo sleeps next to him willingly, he likes Boris, a boy from New York (the top of the world!) he think Boris is funny and smart and worldly, shares his dog with him, hangs on his words, becomes his companion, cares for him if he drinks too much, tried to tend his wounds, welcomes him gratefully into his broken family, watches his favorite movies with him, celebrates holidays with him, inherently values him — and so starts to mend Boris’ broken heart.

A lot of things and viewpoints Boris has are clearly repetitions of things he has heard his father or the miners say — “Christmas is for children” (of course they’d say that to a tiny Boris longing for the magic of Christmas as a child stuck in a mining camp watching the peripheral joy of children around him and coming back to bleak hunger and a dark home), or “god yes I loved having sex with her” (about his hooker in the parking lot — Boris then says he knew she didn’t enjoy it and never shows enjoyment but rather avoidance towards women and girls in any genuine way afterwards, yet covets Theo’s physical company).

Theo on the other hand, who for a short while and then so painfully ripped from him, grew up with love. His natural disposition in Vegas comes from a place of being so recently loved and cherished by his mother and he here, in this lonely place, turns the focus of this disposition onto the one person who is kind and protective towards him: Boris — his one light in a life that has turned very dark. This is like an alien world to Boris. Lonesome and neglected Boris is touched and startled and soon changed by this kindness. So much so that Theo, unknowingly, alters the rest of Boris’ life (Boris feels Theo saved his life).

So that is why I believe the Kotku Gay Panic came about. After their climactic Vegas pool scene where their abuse and trauma is opened to one another (their wounds from their fathers, from fire, literally pouring into the purifying chlorine of the watery womb - mother - pool as they try to drown one another, angry at their attraction to one another, but then cling to and save one another instead) Boris begins to not just have fun and have sex and have freedom with Theo (all okay things by Boris’ standards as long as it is secret) — after that scene and they sleep together and Boris satisfies that teenaged human sexual need... they continue to hookup and be at bliss for a very long, happy time where they both begin to psychologically heal— Boris doesn’t just have sex and fun with Theo, he realizes he starts to love Theo.

Love - an extremely foreign concept to Boris who literally freaks the fuck out because he has no baseline for it. It isn’t the type of “love” that his father gives him (violent, untrustworthy), it isn’t the type of “love” the men who grew up around valued (cheap parking lot sex), it isn’t the kind of “love” his idol Larry has with Xandra (Larry lies to Xandra all the time), it isn’t the kind of “love” Boris has seen in his favorite movies (men and women over and over). No, this love with Theo is very very scary to him. Very perhaps dangerous. He doesn’t know.

I think Boris accepts his physical attraction to men as nbd. I think he probably feels most people feel such attractions or some other harmless private desires that certain people may see as an aberrant from “normal” for whatever reason (either typical kinks and silly hush hush sex shop porno stuff - or other far more despicable things he’s witnessed his father’s men do) and so thinks nothing of his own innocent, consensual goodtime-centered desires. Boris, who likely grew up with little exposure to healthy LGBTQ representation and has a very isolated POV in some ways, likely to some degree at the Vegas point in his life (however casually self-accepting he is) equates same-sex attraction with hush hush taboo sex activities — nothing to be ashamed of, but you’re not going to tell your dad.

As long as it is a personal thing, for him only, Boris embraces it. But it is the emotionality, the healing, the care, the love that freaks Boris out and makes him make a run for it to Kotku — only to recede to what he knows and repeat the exact kind of fake “love” he was taught by his father: unbelievable exclamations of devotion (Boris’ dad sobbing and telling him he loves him + “I love her I love her! She’s beautiful and perfect!”) coupled with the black truth (Boris’ dad beating the shit out of him + Boris beating Kotku).

Boris knows he likes boys but when he starts to love one — that’s when he runs away. Because that means something totally different: societally and personally.

[allgirlsareprincesses]

Sophie Scholl: Somebody had to make a start.

Let’s talk about Sophie Scholl. You’ve probably heard her name before, as she gets dragged out every time someone spots burgeoning tyranny in the mist. Or perhaps you’ve never heard of her, or The White Rose. Let me explain:

Sophia Magdalena Scholl was a young philosophy student in Munich in Nazi Germany. With her older brother Hans, a handful of their friends, and a professor, she helped distribute subversive “Leaflets of The White Rose” exhorting the German people to speak out and fight back against the Nazis. In February 1943, she and Hans were caught and executed by guillotine. Sophie was only 21 years old. Their entire story is fascinating and I strongly recommend reading about it.

It’s easy to understand why the story of The White Rose captures our imaginations, especially in times of social strife: it’s the romantic tale of brave, doomed young idealists who fought back against the greatest evil modern man has known. But it’s a story I often find twisted to suit the needs of a propagandist, and this is a great shame because the truth has so much more to teach us than the sensationalized version.

One of the main goals of Sophie’s interrogator was to discover her motives, or rather to get her to confess that she had no idea what she was doing and had been coerced by her brother and his friends into treason. In the decades since her death, a number of biographers have also tried to divine what motivated this girl to do what almost no one else in Germany would. On the surface, it can seem hard to explain: she didn’t come from a very political family. Except for a few (fairly typical, unfortunately) family members spending days in Gestapo custody on occasion, she was not a target of Nazi aggression. She came from a large and loving family and lived fairly comfortably for most of her childhood. Sophie had been a part of required Nazi indoctrination programs from a young age, and her brothers and friends were soldiers. She showed no rebellious streak and was actually quite shy, except in her letters. An intelligent girl, she knew had many loved ones and comforts to risk with foolish behavior. By all accounts, it seemed she should have gone along with the prevailing winds just as all of her peers did.

And yet, when questioned by the confused Gestapo interrogator (and later the court), she calmly and firmly insisted that she knew the risks and willingly accepted them, explaining simply “Somebody, after all, had to make a start.” What’s remarkable in this statement is the implicit acknowledgement that her efforts probably didn’t have much effect. There’s little evidence that the leaflets of The White Rose affected much public opinion, at least enough to motivate any kind of significant resistance. And Sophie knew that, even facing her death. Yet still, it was worth it to her because SOMEBODY HAD TO BE FIRST. Someone had to take the first stand, futile though it may seem. And that person might lose everything, but it had to be done. She presents her actions as a moral imperative: Sophie Scholl could not have done otherwise.

The best explanation I’ve seen of the Scholls’ actions are this: they were, simply, decent people. Not political firebrands, not glory-seekers with a hero complex, not even coherent theologians (although their religious beliefs were a factor in their moral development); just good people who felt a responsibility to stand against bad people. What’s even more remarkable is the form their resistance took: they wanted not just to stop the Nazis, but to restore the moral conscience of the German people. Over and over, their leaflets appeal to the better natures of their countrymen, begging them not to debase themselves by following the cancer of fascism. From the fifth leaflet: “Cast off the cloak of indifference you have wrapped around you. Decide before it is too late! …. Separate yourselves in time from everything connected with National Socialism. In the aftermath a terrible but just judgement will be meted out to those who stayed in hiding, who were cowardly and hesitant.”

Sophie herself has more to teach us about resistance: she deeply loved nature and art, and even in the worst days of the war, she would go on camping trips or to the opera to enjoy beauty in all its forms. Yes, fighting oppression was a priority, but it was important to remember WHY she was risking everything, and appreciate life’s joys as she could. She kept up a persistent correspondence with her childhood friend (and probable crush or boyfriend) Fritz Hartnagel, even though they had extremely opposing political views. Fritz often argued with Sophie about the value and morality of the Nazi’s actions, but rather than cut him off in righteous rage, or politely avoid the subject, Sophie maintained a warm tone toward him, writing hopeful, excited letters filled with genuine concern and a passionate defense of the good. Later, Fritz would credit her with changing his mind and turning him to resistance, as well.

Perhaps most importantly, Sophie was not perfect. Her letters include bouts of self-doubt, petty sniping, and self-centered rambling. And yet, it’s easy to imagine that their author is the same girl who serenely faced a horrific death. And this is the point: Sophie Scholl was just a girl who knew that “somebody” had to be first to fight back, and she decided she would be that somebody, even if she failed. This is not to take any credit away from Hans, who after all was working on the leaflets well before his little sister became involved, and who likely agonized over his role in her fate. He was extraordinarily brave and deserves to have his story told, as well. But whereas Hans was always going to take the fall when The White Rose was discovered, Sophie didn’t have to. The State gave her every opportunity to deny or minimize her role in the tiny resistance, but she refused. She would not sway from her convictions, even unto a brutal death.

Today, the price of resistance is so low compared to then…. We might get the attention of social media trolls or, at worst, an uncomfortable conversation with the boss who noticed our political activity. But really, most of us risk very little. And there are those who would argue that there’s no comparison to the atrocities, either. I disagree on that point, but regardless, if our conscience is pricking, then it’s time for somebody to make a start. To have an impact, we have to be willing to risk everything for very little gain. We have to be compassionate toward even those who would argue against us. And we have to take joy where we can. Do what you can, where you can, because somebody has to. Might as well be you.

[nauseateddrive]

I ALMOST KILLED MY FURBY by Kristine Brown

"One day, you'll say, 'I want kids.'"

Surely. Pfft.

"...so keep in mind that when you do have children, you know that..."

I find that when it comes to offspring, precedents are implausible. But, go on.

"When are you having kids?"

Thanks for your concerns, people older than myself. By the way, I'm twenty and I just moved in with the guy.

* * *

Many of these discussions took place in 2012. Today, I'm twenty-eight. A generous plenty say I look seventeen, twelve on days speckled with sunshine and free of humidity. I have not seriously dated a man in more than two years. Silence is joyful, and my bank account is calm. I should also mention that my vocal chords are so much less strained because I've hardly engaged in another argument about when to get pregnant, how many times, and who would perform tasks of necessity while the other did all the indoctrination. My first relationship - the only serious one I've had - was outwardly quirky in that Wall-E and EVE sort of way, but if anyone was our neighbor, he or she would tell a different story. My live-in boyfriend had a dogged coldness resembling Kevin Lomax from The Devil's Advocate, and my meltdowns were just as grating as Mrs. Lomax's pleas to just "make a baby." Oddly enough, he was the one proposing plans for The Spawning. I just wanted him to spend time with me more.

My opinion on kids? I would make for an unfit mother. Possibly because of maladaptive behaviors, my urge to crush Pepsi cans to bite-sized accordions, a desensitization to insults my friends would classify as "bullying." I couldn't possibly impart a set of ethics to foster happiness and prosperity in the life of a child. "Oh, but that would be my job, love bug." Let's assume that besides diapering, clothing, breastfeeding, and these advanced duties to follow, I couldn't possibly have any sort of influence on my child. Doubtful.

Sometimes, whether at work or in a doctor's office, I witness an angry child thrashing a baby doll, or a careless, soporific child who drags the tiny mannequin by the hair. The parent may reprimand the child, and might even say: "Look what you did to your baby. No, don't do that!"

I can't say I've had these experiences, at least at a very young age. I never took an interest in baby dolls. Now, I do remember having multiple miniature dolls either given to me by older children or found in the clamor of Saturday swap meets. I do remember the Ken and Barbie, not genuinely Mattel but sufficiently humanoid to warrant their being called such. And with the screech of cheap Velcro, their garments were gone, and Ken slept on top. Well, I thought they were sleeping, but adults were displeased with my mission in choreography. I never saw those miniature knockoffs again. Predictably, I was supervised as I played with the Native American doll set. The male was removed, and eventually, so was the horse.

The clarity of my childhood memories astounds a handful of people, partly because of my current tendency to gloss over details and fail to follow directions. I could readily retell the plots and messages of numerous commercials in the mid-to-late '90s, the older Generation X-ers nodding and smirking in a way that asks, "Why do you know all this?" I was especially terrified of public safety announcements. "Only you can prevent forest fires" disconcerts me as much as "Hi, I'm Chucky. Wanna play?” But one campaign I couldn't tolerate was the one with the shaken baby. The teddy bear etched in stone, the infant's screams in the background, a camera in a dance of epilepsy. Then you see the whole tombstone and something along the lines of "Our Beloved Child." I think I was five or six at the time, but that was quite a horror flick.

What the frustrated adult committed against the baby, I would replicate three years later. To my Furby.

We were better off then and at this point my parents had learned the rules of Keeping Up with the Joneses. But they didn't buy the Furby. Even now, I question the merits by which he entered our home. Oreo. That's what my babysitter's older sister introduced him as, placing the box in my twiggy little arms, pinching my cheeks because that's what people do to you when you're eight, chubby, and loudly pretentious. She was fired the week after. I still remember being asked if the Furby was supposed to be paid for.

So consensus states that Furbies are Satan's little mercenaries. Infantilized Gremlins, wingless bats with beaks, sorely mutated flying monkeys. Whatever they may be, and in whatever year they were manufactured and marketed, we know that each and every Furby could use obedience classes with S.T.F.U. Consulting (I suppose we should add "LLC" to this, protecting the venture from lawsuits should the classes not work). That little gem plastered onto their foreheads? I don't believe it was ever a sophisticated camera, or a recording device. I couldn't teach Oreo anything. If I couldn't make him dance like my friends could with theirs, how could my children follow simple rules? Not that I was making this irrational connection in 1998, but my friends often joked that as much as I carried that loudmouth around, he was "kinda" my baby.

Furbies have this creepy voice a bit too similar to that of an aggressive cougar you've either known or heard of with a burgeoning case of emphysema. Yes, I also remember some graphic anti-smoking ads. I think above all demands, mine's signature croon was "Hungry." I'd press my finger on its plastic red tongue to hear those simpering "Mmmm"s and so many "Hungry"s that wouldn't cease no matter how often I fed the damn thing. Frustrated, I'd bury Oreo beneath layers of blankets, chuck him in multiple pillowcases, wedge him beneath the wall and my mattress. His nighttime cravings annoyed us all. 

There was a point where I was reprimanded harshly for walking by Oreo during his "naps." We had had it with his shit.

We couldn't figure out how to turn the fucker off. Honestly, I don't remember anyone even taking steps to activate the Furby. He came into the world as is. It's eerily similar to those robotic babies they hoist onto high school freshmen in state-mandated health class. Abstinence only, this will teach you. And in those health classes I do remember some frustrated girls perpetrating acts of legitimate mannequin abuse. Kind of like those angry toddlers in doctors' offices. Oreo once again begged for food. I couldn't quite teach him to dance on cue. He never did anything other Furbies did in all the commercials. I knew you could rub them on the tummy and all, but I thought, "What if I turn him upside down?"

And he hung from my grasp, looking very much like an obese bat that lost its wings long atrophied. Characteristically, he screamed, "Weeeeee. Fun!"

My intention was to punish him. So I shook him.

"Weeeee. Fun! Tuba, woah! Do do do do do dooooo..."

(Oreo uttered this phrase multiple times. I could never really make out exactly what he was saying, but I am certain that he did say "Tuba.")

As my hands were too tiny for one to do all the handling, I tried to spin him around. Really, I churned the animatronic butterball in multiple directions, my arms growing tired, my frustrations projected.

"Woahhh! Woahhh!"

I continued with this odd punishment.

"Woaaaahhhh! Me scared!"

The cry was loud. But that "Me scared" was a bit unsettling. It was a mix between a coo and a gasp, like he knew what I was trying to do. But I continued in my campaign to silence Oreo.

"Whooopeeeee! Fuuuunnnn!"

Blatantly contradicting the sentiments expressed immediately prior. I continued.

"Woaaahhh! Me scared! Heeeee."

That "heeee" actually sounded remorseful. I felt a twinge of remorse. But it wasn't enough, as I did continue.

Repeatedly, he would cry about being scared. And suddenly, a snorting sound. And while he hung upside down, the base of his odd little person in the clutches of my white-knuckled hands, he spoke the awaited mantra.

"Wooooo. Wooooo. Wooooo. Something something. Cocoa."

(Again, it's often hard for me to properly recall exactly what that thing said. I'm pretty confident he said "cocoa." He had some decent taste.)

And silence. For a good two years. Despite several jabs and pinches in evenings to follow, Oreo persisted in his slumber. Or coma.

Twenty years later, and I'm ordering books on Amazon to better address my anger, impatience, and tendency to seethe. Babies, and children in general, stay absent in my plans. But really, no one would take the story of Oreo seriously enough in reviewing my constant fears. That day, I became a little scared of myself.

Kristine Brown shuffles between poetry, prose, data entry, and wishing she could properly fly a kite. She photographs strangers' cats and writes poems for them. You can find these poems on her blog, Crumpled Paper Cranes (https://crumpledpapercranes.com). Her writing appears in Hobart, Philosophical Idiot, Burningword Literary Journal, among others. Her novel, Connie Undone, will be released on March 1st, 2020.

[enixamyram]

Free Drinks

Summary: Bartender AU - Roni is tired of Margot giving away free drinks to the girl she has a crush on. She tells her to just ask Tilly out already or start looking for another job.

  “Margot, I need you to go into the back and get me the bucket and mop.” Roni said, wandering behind the younger woman with half a dozen used beer glasses pinched between her fingers. “Someone’s been sick in the toilets and missed the actually toilet… Again.”

  “Ugh, fine,” Margot grumbled, pulling a disgusted face.

  She tucked her phone back into the pocket of her black skirt and pushed a strand of hair back behind her ear, adjusting her glasses slightly on her nose and sighing loudly as she turned towards the back door. Margot loved working at the bar. The people were so friendly, the atmosphere was fun and lively and the days went by so quick that she always wished she could do some extra shifts to make them last even longer. However as much as she loved the job, she also hated some of the more disgusting tasks she was left to do as bottom of the employee chain, including cleaning up other peoples upchuck.

  Just before Margot could reach the back room, however, the front door opened with a slight ring of the bell hanging over the top corner and a new customer came in. Out of instinct more than anything, Margot glanced back to give the new customer a big welcome and a friendly smile like she always did for everyone. However her smile stretched even more when she saw that the person to come in wasn’t actually a new customer at all, but rather a frequent one that she was eager to serve.

  “Actually, Roni, I’ll get to it in a minute!” Margot said, rushing back to the other end of the bar before her boss could ask her why.

  In the seconds it took for Tilly to cross the room, Margot reached up and casually pulled her hair down, tucking the band into her pocket. The only uniform she had to wear was an unflattering apron for health and safety reasons but Roni let her get away with not bothering with that so long as there wasn’t an kind of inspection coming up. So she was allowed to dress in her own attire, which included a plain yellow blouse with a low collar, tanned tights with sensible soft brown shoes – not exactly a fashion choice but a practical one for sure. If she had known Tilly was coming, she might have added a bit more but for now she settled with leaning forward onto the counter slightly as she approached, so her necklace (a plain silver one in the shape of a small rabbit) swung just over the top of her chest.

  “Hi,” Tilly, the pretty daughter of Detective Rogers said when Margot approached.

  Today she was dressed in a white and blue stripped cotton vest with a light blue denim jacket pulled over the top and a matching knee length denim skirt. As usual she had black leggings on underneath that had a series of holes – she was far too active to keep anything nice for long but she seemed more comfortable that way. The only difference was the new shoes Margot noticed, brown hiking boots that didn’t match the rest of the outfit but that still looked perfect on her. She also had on a pair of earrings, golden short chains with a pair of arrows on either end pointing away from her and towards Margot.

  “Good evening!” Margot beamed, still leaning forward to show what she has to offer. “You’re here early today.”

  “I had some free time. Thought I’d get a drink. Papa’s taking me cinema later.” Tilly grinned.

  Margot smile at that. She knew Tilly’s story well. Even if she hadn’t been told it firsthand by Tilly a few weeks ago, a lot of other people gossiped the tale loudly to one another, especially after having a few drinks.

  Tilly’s mother was a woman who went by the name Eloise Gardener. She had been kidnapped as a young girl and indoctrinated into a cult of other women, eventually becoming as insane and psychotic as the women who had abducted her. At one point she had been “saved” by Detective Rogers, only to have secretly been using him to get pregnant with Tilly. The plan was to raise Tilly in the cult and then sacrifice her when she hit puberty. Luckily Detective Rogers and his partner, Detective Weaver, realised what they were planning and managed to save her, though the events led to Tilly being lost for a while, she was finally reunited with her father some few months ago.

  Ever since then Tilly had finally had a chance at a normal life. Rogers was a good dad, even if he hadn’t planned to be one, and he spoilt Tilly like crazy since she moved in with him. Though maybe her life with her mother had humbled her, because despite her father’s spoiling, she was still a kind hearted girl and not like some of the others Margot had known, especially in her old fancy private school. Margot was happy when she was finally able to get herself kicked out of there, though she might have tried harder to stay if there was a girl half as much like Tilly in her classes.

  “The usual?” Margot asked.

  “The usual!” Tilly confirmed with a sharp nod that made her earrings swing slightly.

  “Coming right up!”

  Margot turned and quickly grabbed a bottle of bourbon from the counter, pouring it into a small glass and mixing it with just a lash fill of coke before turning and sliding the glass over the counter to the other girl had taken a seat. As usual, Tilly was already reaching into her pocket and pulling out a crumpled note, holding out in exchange for the drink.

  And as usual, Margot immediately held her hand up. “On the house.” She grinned, winking at her and ignoring the note.

  “Margot!” Roni suddenly called, interrupting the girls shared moment. “Can I have a word with you please?”

  Margot glanced back at Tilly. “Be right back,”

  “I’ll be here,” Tilly shrugged, cradling her drink between her hands.

  Reluctant to leave her side, Margot wandered over to Roni, stepping up beside her with just a touch of inpatients. “I’ll get to the toilets in a minute,” She said immediately.

  “That’s not why I wanted to talk to you.” Roni said, turning so her back was to Tilly and frowned down at Margot in something close to serious annoyance. Wow, normally Roni was a really laid back boss so long as you eventually did as you were told. “Margot, this has to stop.”

  “What?” Margot blinked.

  “We cannot afford your crush anymore,” Roni said strictly.

  “What are you talking about?” Margot frowned.

  “Do you seriously think that Kelly and I haven’t noticed the amount of free drinks you keep giving to Tilly whenever she comes in?” Roni demanded. “At first we let it pass but we cannot afford it any more. You do it every damn time and you don’t even give the cheap stuff for heaven’s sake!”

  Margot opened her mouth but… She had no defence. She hadn’t meant to. When Tilly first showed up, asking for a bourbon and coke, Margot had been a little flustered and offered it on the house without thinking about it. And when Tilly had grinned at her with thanks, she became addicted. She needed to see that smile again, so when Tilly came in the next time, Margot once again offered the drink for free without much thought about it. After that it was more of a habit than anything, and hadn’t really cared if Roni or Kelly noticed because her brain, for whatever reason, didn’t register what she was really doing. She certainly didn’t think how much it was probably costing the bar…

  “I’ll pay,” Margot said finally, feeling her face flush. “For her drinks, I mean.”

  “Margot,” Roni said, leaning towards her. “You can’t afford the amount you give away, even if I just stopped paying you altogether, you’d still owe us.”

  Margot hesitated then shrugged. “I can’t just start charging her now. I’d look like the biggest cow and we’d lose a valued customer.”

  “I’m pretty sure you only count as a valued customer if you pay for the services,” Roni said, putting her hands on her hips. “Look, Margot, I love you like my own. Your mother is my best friend and I really have enjoyed you working at the bar but I’m going to have to put my foot down. Either go and ask that girl out already, or go get a job at a flower shop. At least then the thing you freely give away can be grown on trees.”

  Margot could tell Roni was serious. There was no humour in her expression at all, not even a slight half friendly tease. She tensed her body and nodded her head. If nothing else, this was probably the push Margot needed to finally do what she’s been day dreaming about for a while. With that thought in mind, she turned to go and finish her conversation with Tilly, bracing herself for what she was about to do…

  When Roni suddenly grabbed her arm and stopped her. “But before you do. The mess in the toilets still needs cleaning.”

O*U*A*T

  By the time Margot was done cleaning up – it was freaking bright green, too! So gross! – Tilly was still sitting in the same place with her glass cradled between her hands. That wasn’t a surprise. Tilly always took her sweet time with her drinks, never risking getting drunk since it always took her hours to finish a single glass. And she only ever had one – otherwise Roni probably would have given Margot her little talk a lot sooner.

  As Margot wandered passed with the bucket and mop (freshly cleaned to keep a lingering smell attached for the next time they used it) she instinctively turned and offered her another friendly smile. Tilly grinned back immediately, lifting her glass in thankful cheers and taking another small sip. The sight of her caused a knot to form in Margot’s stomach as she hurried into the back room, setting the equipment down in the far corner and pausing to take a slow breath in order to calm her rapidly beating heart.

  Margot loved working in the bar. And Roni was the best boss she’d ever had, but she didn’t doubt that she would make good on her promise to fire Margot if she kept giving things out for free. Which meant that, if Margot was going to stand a chance with Tilly then she was going to need to ask her out before she suddenly started charging her for her drinks. But now that it was finally time, despite the many nights she’d practised quietly in her room or daydreamed about it or thought it over while making drinks for the others, she suddenly had no idea how she was going to actually do it.

  Before she could wimp out, Margot turned and strolled from the room. Roni was busy chatting with Henry and Jacinda, a couple that often spent evenings here when they could get a babysitter for their kid. They seemed to be quite friendly with Roni, but Margot had to admit, she’d never really had a proper conversation with either of them. Then again, she might have been distracted with other customers at the time or, more likely, one in particular.

  Margot made a beeline straight for Tilly. She ignored the look Roni shot her and put on her usual friendly smile, conveniently not seeing the guy who tried to catch her attention for a drink as she passed. If Roni wanted her to get this done with then she could cover her for the next few torturous seconds when she put everything out in the open and her entire heart on the line.

  “Hey, how’s the drink?” Margot asked cheerfully.

  “Nice,” Tilly nodded, setting the drink down in front of her. She wasn’t even halfway done with it yet.

  “So look, I was thinking.” Margot said quickly, before she had a chance to back out. “Maybe you’d like to get a drink sometime.” What?! Margot froze as soon as the words were out of her mouth, mentally beating herself with every bit of non physical willpower she had in her mind. They were literally in a bar with Tilly having a drink right now. That was the stupidest thing she could have said! “I mean… You and me… Go somewhere else. I mean, the bar is great and all but maybe you’d like to try something different and maybe you’d like to do it with someone different. I mean not so different that you don’t know them but maybe different to whom you’d normally go out for drinks with, apart from here I mean. I mean…” Margot groaned dropping her head down before looking up and giving her a strained smile. “I’m trying to ask you out on a date.” She said finally.

  Tilly, nodded, looking as calm as ever. “Yeah, I figured. You’re not very good at it though.”

  “Cut me some slack,” Margot said, blushing hard and trying not to stumble over her words. “I’ve never asked anyone out before…”

  “Yeah, I figured that too.” Tilly nodded again.

  Margot was starting to feel a little put out at this point. Alice was still sitting like she was very relaxed, almost like she had expected this kind of question to be asked eventually, but she had still yet to say yes… Or anything for that matter. Maybe she was just waiting for Margot to officially ask her so she could properly turn her down, once and for all.

  “Well, whatever, it was just an idea,” Margot mumbled, glancing down at her feet and feeling like the biggest idiot in the whole bar.

  “So where shall we go?” Tilly asked.

  “What?” Margot blinked, looking back up at her.

  “For the date. Where shall we go?” Tilly asked, leaning forward and smiling at her.

  “Oh… Oh!” Margot grinned. Her earlier worries vanishing as her smile stretched from ear to ear. “I have an idea. There’s this sweet little restaurant near the middle of town! I heard good things about it. And it even serves your usual bourbon.” She winked.

  Tilly’s own smile stretched. “Great.” She said, showing all her teeth.

  “It’s about time,” Roni mumbled, shaking her head at the two grinning girls before turning to see Henry smoothing a laugh behind his hand. “What’s so funny?” She asked.

  “Oh, I just… Had a conversation with Detective Rogers the other day.” Henry grinned, he leaned forward and lowered his voice so only the three of them could hear. “Tilly hates bourbon.”

  “Wait what? She orders it every time she comes in here.” Roni blinked.

  “Yeah, according to Rogers, she’s had a crush on Margot for a while. She finally picked up the courage to come in and say hi, then chickened out and ordered the first drink she could see, which turned out to be a bourbon. She added the coke, hoping it wouldn’t taste too bad but, well, she absolutely hates the stuff. But she kept ordering it because she didn’t already said to Margot that bourbon and coke was her usual and she loved it. Apparently she doesn’t want to admit the truth now.” Henry grinned.

  “You’re kidding.” Jacinda giggled. “That’s so cute!”

  “It is not!” Roni snapped, looking outraged. “Margot’s given away over eight hundred bucks worth of free bourbon and Tilly doesn’t even like the damn stuff!”

  “What?”

  The three looked up to where Roni had accidentally drawn the attention of the exact two girls they were discussing. Margot looked confused and a little shocked while Tilly was turning very pink in the cheeks and doing her best to shrink down on her seat. When Margot finally turned to face her, she offered a shy half smile and a little shrug.

  “So… Maybe just a couple of beignets and a walk in the park for our first date then?” Tilly said, forcing the large grin back on her face, while secretly holding her breath for Margot’s reaction to her long lasting lie.

  “Well… That would be cheaper.” Margot said, nodding and grinning back at her.

  “Cheap is good. Especially if I’m going to have to start paying for my own stuff,” Tilly winked.

  “What did I say?” Jacinda said, leaning forward and keeping her voice down. “So cute!”

  “Yeah,” Roni said, smiling. Then added. “I swear to god, Margot is replacing every bit of liquor she gave away.”

  “Oh come on, Roni. Let off, it’s young love.” A voice said from behind them.

  They glanced up to see Kelly strolling from in front of the fire exit she had been trying to fix. She had a little light in her eyes, watching the girls from across the room with a soft smile.

  “Love isn’t gonna pay for wasted alcohol.” Roni complained.

  “You really have no room to talk.” Kelly snorted, leaning against the counter. “Oh shall I retell the story of your fling with that Daniel guy to Henry and Jacinda here and the extreme lengths you went to convince him you loved heavy metal and the money he wasted on you because of it.”

  “Alright! Point taken!” Roni said sharply.

  Kelly turned away, then muttered loudly enough for them to hear. “At least Tilly didn’t get a tattoo of bourbon on her ass.”

  “You what?!” Henry yelped with a laugh.

  “No way, Roni! Are you serious?” Jacinda grinned, leaning right across the counter.

  Roni glared at Kelly. “I’m going to remember that.”

  On the other end of the bar, the two girls glanced up at the loud laughter.

  “What do you think they’re talking about now?” Tilly mused.

  “Who cares. So long as it isn’t us.” Margot snorted, then turned and reached over, taking Tilly’s hand. “So, when are you free to go out?”

[bullagit]

finn’s arc in tlj... wasn’t about him learning not to be a coward or selfish tho

his capacity for compassion and caring about other people was preestablished in tfa, yes: he didn’t shoot on jakku. he took a moment to mourn poe’s apparent death, basically everything that ever happened between him and rey. he promised bb-8 he’d get him back into the right hands before leaving for whatever far-off tail-end of the galaxy he thought would keep him away from the first order, and he fulfilled that promise before he walked away on takodana. 

he spent tfa trying to run from the first order, which had made up his entire world for his entire life and indoctrinated him from childhood to believe that anyone who wasn’t with it would inevitably be crushed. he did not leave the first order because he found a new cause to fight against them for. he left because he didn’t want to kill for them, because he knew it wasn’t right. 

he ran back towards the first order because rey was in trouble. when he turned to fight kylo ren, when that commitment came over him, that was all personal. ren hurt rey. ren calls him a traitor like it’s the worst thing in the world, even though the dude just murdered his own family, who he betrayed in aligning himself with the first order at all.

finn is goodhearted and kind and so much braver than he thinks he is, but he did not join the resistance at the end of tfa. he wanted rey safe. and he was happy to do the right thing re: taking down starkiller in exchange for the chance to help her, because he knew it was the right thing, but it didn’t change that he only wanted to go back for rey in the first place.

of course he wakes up and she’s his primary concern. last he knew she was unconscious on a soon-to-blow-up superweapon and he was he only thing between her and kylo ren’s lightsaber? when the resistance is in clear enormous danger against overwhelming odds, of course finn thinks “i need to make sure rey comes back to something safe and not a highly unbalanced battle that could easily destroy the falcon before she knows what’s happening” and tries to evac with the beacon. rey is the most important thing in his life right now. 

but like the SECOND he and rose work out what’s going on with the hyperspace tracking and that there’s a chance they could save what’s left of the resistance, finn is on board to do the right thing by them? and even if that’s because he knows rey will want to go back to the resistance at the end of the day, finn still does the right thing by it all. when he hands the rey beacon to poe, he’s saying “i trust you to keep this safe, and i’ll go out there to do everything i can to keep the resistance safe with it.” it is a moment of trust. it is a promise.

and to save even more tldr im putting aside the narrative importance of canto bight in a movie about failures, moving on from them, and preserving hope for the future (ie rose and finn inspiring those children and giving them hope for a better future even though they didn’t succeed in the mission they actively went to canto bight to complete, a future that maybe one day they’ll fight for or maybe one day they’ll be able to inherit). 

finn was raised to be a mindless one-point-of-view cog in a greater machine of war and oppression. he was raised far removed from the real world and fed a steady drip of bias/lies about it all. he was raised to lead a team down a ramp and shoot when ordered until something shot them down first. 

finn was raised to see this war from the battlefield and to know nothing about the greater reality. he didn’t have time to chill out and go “hm i wonder where the first order gets all the funds for this,” because the first order was need-to-know on that and he wasn’t high enough on the chain yet to need to know. the first order was his world since he was a baby. his whole life, the first order has just Been.

of course he doesn’t initially understand why canto bight is inherently bad. im pretty sure if poe or rose had briefed him before he got there on “yeah they’re all war profiteers and they do horrible things there and hurt innocent creatures for sport and oppress children” he would’ve had a different reaction anyway but like. they didn’t brief him. he and rose just rolled up into this nice-ass town full of beautiful things and laughter and stuff he hadn’t seen or experienced before. the most arguing he did in favor of liking it was to be like “i mean come on you gotta admit this is a cool place to hang”. 

and unsurprisingly once he got let in on the truth, he changed his mind and was glad they wrecked the joint.

canto bight for finn was about seeing the war from new perspectives. not from the POV of a one-battlefield-at-a-time soldier, not as a cog in the first order’s inevitable crushing of everything in its path, not as a proponent of any greater cause. rose AND dj showed him perspectives on the war he was raised to be part of: the perspectives of people who are or know what it’s like not to be on either side. the people who profit from not choosing one or the other, and the people who are caught in the crossfire. and once finn knows, he cares.

when push came to shove in tlj, finn chose his own greater cause for the first time in his life, and he immediately went all-out for it. he gave the inspirational speech. he was willing to lay down his life for it. 

finn’s arc in this movie is not about how he’s a coward and a deserter and a moron (which uhh he seemed really sharp to me esp towards the beginning of the resistance plot stuff when he helped figure it all out and recognized the beacon for what it was on sight). it’s about finding his feet in this war as himself, and the reasons he finds it worth staying to fight in. he owed no one any obligations after escaping what the first order did to him anyway. finn chose the right thing, again.

this movie has more than its fair share of flaws in writing, pacing and execution, absolutely don’t get me wrong. but i liked some of the questions that it raised, especially when it came to the arc it was trying to sell for finn. is it worth fighting the war just to smash up the fancy town, or is destruction only worth it when you guarantee the freedom of others? is it worth more to be there fighting alongside the people you love when that time runs out instead of going on a suicide run for them to try to buy more time? 

they could have done so much better by finn with this movie but i’m not against everything that we did get. he’s still smart, he’s still a good person, he still chooses love.

(also people do remember that finn got hit in the face with a staff and tased by a droid as part of his first meeting with rey before he could explain himself, right, like. this isn’t a first-time Bad Writing Decisions For Meeting Rose aesthetic, this is in fact a running Bad Choice.)