#i am currently crushing on my friend more than ever and goddamnit i feel so tense around them and its so weird .

[cringelordofchaos]

Help I feel like such a creep 😭😭😭😭😭😭

[pssbtch]

1 of 2

(a bit of writing from a few months ago, didn't know where else to put it. too formatted and picked through to just be a diary entry)

There’s only ever been two guys i’ve wanted to suck off. The first one was the one who made me realize that i could want that to begin with. The second, i’m not ready to unpack yet. The way i wanted him was more complicated. I didn’t just want to blow him, or touch him, or fuck him —- I wanted a lot more from him. A lot, lot more that i should’ve known i’d never get. Anyway, that other guy, the first guy - let’s call him Oz - woke something up inside my gut that i didn’t really know existed, and it was the perfect moment for that to happen.

It was the summer before freshman year of college, which as of writing this is almost a year ago. Pretty recent, but my emotional ebbs and flows feel like millennia because of my current age. Just go with it, okay? Anyway, by this point i had a firm little friend group and i had sort of cemented myself as a man to everybody that mattered in my hometown. I had just gotten out of a weird, uncomfortable, awkward little 5 month (felt like 6) relationship with another guy (a whole different can of worms), and i was ready to just enjoy myself and not worry about legitimate loving. he had been my first boyfriend, my first real relationship, and he was a fucking dick. i was keeping my expectations low, also knowing i’d be in the big city in just a few months. “playing around” and “hooking up” aren’t really my thing, but i was open to that for just this summer, despite knowing nothing sexual was probably going to happen to this nerdy tranny. spoiler alert, i was right and nothing sexy happened to me, but it was the best summer of my life because i had my friends and that was really all i needed. speeding down a highway with two crazy girls beats any sort of awkward sexual fumbling.

but still, there was this guy, Oz, who i only saw a few times, but who sort of transfixed me a little bit. there was something in the way he’d look at me. when i was saying something, anything, he offered up a face that said he was actually paying attention (crazy, right?). when i said dumb silly shit, he would laugh, genuinely. there was a life behind those two piercing little daggers for eyes that felt like he was trying to see me for how i really, really truly was. he was analyzing me, and he was seeing things he liked, and i could read it on his face.

god bless that sweet, boyish face.

perfect perfect perfect, a real burgeoning man thinly veiled under a sheepish teenager. just like me. even if i still had (have) a ways to go with my own burgeoning.

i am reading way too far into my interactions with this guy. trust me, i know all of this shit was just my perception. it’s what happens to me when i have a crush. i don’t know, i’m a writer, a poet, an artist (a faggot) - i have to concoct some stupid complicated word vomit with my feelings somehow. i always make them bigger than they really are, because that’s how they feel. i’m a sensitive freak and goddamnit, i can’t help it! fuck!

i don’t entirely know why he was the first guy i’ve ever wanted to give a blowjob to. the best i can get to is that he just seemed like the type of guy who deserved one. that might sound patronizing, like “oh wow, good job, buddy, you deserve a dick sucking!” but you don’t really get it; he was just THAT diabolically sweet and respectful. he was always the most reasonable one in the room, which felt odd when that was usually my role. he was never fucked up on anything, always just nice, and calm, and offering up his ear to anyone who wanted to yell. he clocked things about me that other people didn’t. it was weird, to feel looked at, when i spent so much time being the observant people watcher in the room. he was looking at me, now. we were looking at each other. that’s what it felt like. 

i got the feeling he wouldn’t try to choke me on his dick, either. he was too nice to pull some shit like that.

i could just imagine that sweet face looking down at me while i set his junk ablaze with my mouth. it was exhilirating to think about, getting this nice southern nerd all hot and bothered from my hands, my mouth, all my own doing (or undoing, i guess). imagining him shakily taking his glasses off, wiping sweat from his brow, laughing and smiling and grimacing from pleasure. jesus christ.

i would drive around town for hours, blasting that mariah carey song and screaming along, just thinking about him. i’ve said it before, but that song is just blowjob music to me. it’s funky and a bit funny cuz of that damn sample, but also so buttery sweet because of mariah’s vocals. you feel that summery, dreamy fuckin’ FANTASY feeling when you listen to it. and all i could see was Oz, smiling down at me so endearingly while i went to town on his bits.

that summer made me realize that i actually kinda was capable of desire, without any pretense or romance. i just needed a bit of sweetness to egg on a sexual throb at the base of my throat. Oz wasn’t the first guy to get me heated, but he was the first that i just felt a yearning for without any expectation of something deeper. it was a real teenagery feeling, and part of me being able to figure that out was the fact that i had my gender basically figured out. once i was able to nail the “man” part down, and i had a small lil community of people that respected me, i could fantasize more freely. i could have these sexual daydreams, and i could feasably place myself in them. i figured out what i liked, what i wanted.

what i wanted was to give Oz the blowjob of his dreams, the blowjob he deserved. too bad he was a straight boy. but that’s okay. if anything, it kept the fantasy as a fantasy, kept it at arm’s length. he couldn’t break my heart, because i had learned already to never expect anything from a fucking straighty. plus, i only saw him like 3 times. you can judge me for that, but what can i say? i think i was built to fixate, i think i was built to fantasize. ill always be dreamily looking at eyes that see right through me.

[jazzistolkienfanfics]

Scared - Eowyn x fem!reader

I’m in love with your writing and am a disaster of a bisexual, so when I saw your Arwen piece I was thrilled. Could I request an ÉowynxFem!Reader where she’s tending to Éowyns wounds post battle, so when Éowyn wakes up she sees the reader crying and they confess feelings?? 

sure thing @itgetsatadhazy! sorry if it got kinda long. SHE SO PRETTY-

Type: Imagine Pairing: Eowyn x fem!reader Summary: Y/N isn’t scared of much, but losing her best friend is the one thing that terrifies her. Warnings: non-canon parts?, ‘shit’ Word Count: 1114 words

The battle raged around Y/N, and for the first in her life, she was truly fighting for her life. 

These Orcs were unlike any that she’d faced before - with such relentless rage and bloodlust in so many numbers that Y/N was very prepared for the possibility of death. 

Dying didn’t scare her. Pain never had. Battle was too ordinary for fear. But the thought of leaving Eowyn, her beautiful best friend, behind if she did perish with a sword through her chest ... that scared Y/N more than anything.

Although, she supposed that if she was currently fighting a battle outside Gondor itself, surrounded by what seemed like millions of Orcs, pirates and Oliphaunts, there really wasn’t that much more to be scared of. 

She glanced over at Eowyn, who rode her horse with a casual grace, and admired how beautiful her fellow Shieldmaiden was. Then, Y/N forced herself to snap out of it - Eowyn wasn’t actually meant to be here, and she was disguised. Y/N wasn’t about to be the reason that Eowyn got caught because everyone in Rohan knew the h/c-haired girl’s lovesick glances directed towards the blonde.

Y/N’s sword cut through another Orc with a squelch, and she grimaced as blood splattered across her armour. The battle wasn’t going exceptionally well, but, then again, they faced Sauron’s forces. It wasn’t exactly a play fight. 

When Y/N looked to Eowyn again, she realised her mistake after a couple of seconds making sure that her friend was okay. The h/c warrior had gotten distracted, and some soldier slashed through her horse’s flesh, making her fall off with a scream. 

As Y/N raised her head again, she saw Eowyn looking around.

She recognised my scream, Y/N thought warmly. She cares about me.

But that fuzzy feeling quickly turned to panic as Eowyn was yanked from her horse.

“Shit!” Y/N hissed, drawing a shorter sword and sprinting towards Eowyn.

The Shieldmaiden staggered to her feet just as Y/N reached her. Her blue-green eyes that Y/N found so beautiful were wide with shock, and they were no less stunning through the large helmet that obscured the rest of Eowyn’s face.

“You okay?” Y/N yelled, swinging her sword to intercept the attack of an Orc, stabbing it through the chest with a sickening gurgle.

“Fine!” Eowyn yelled from behind her - back-to-back was their favourite way to fight. “Merry!” 

This next cry was directed at the Hobbit who’d been with her. “Stay close to us!”

The small Hobbit nodded furiously, and held his own impressively as the three of them fought their way towards Gondor.

---

In hindsight, Y/N was stupid to think they’d been winning. That was before the Nazgûl had showed up, wailing with such pure agony and force that Y/N almost dropped her sword to cover her ears. 

The screams made her want to curl up and die, but she forced herself to keep fighting - she was in no hurry to die.

Then, the thing that Y/N least expected to happen did.

The Witch-King of Angmar himself flew down, and she acted before she could think. His steed, a fell beast, roared at Merry, who was frozen to the ground, and lunged forward, presumably to bite his head off. Y/N swept her sword upwards, and the leader of the Nazgûl was forced to slide off his beast as its head flopped around its detached body.

Before Y/N knew it, she’d been knocked to the floor, at least half a dozen of her ribs probably cracked or broken, and a rapidly swelling cut on her head that blurred her vision with tears and blood.

Y/N could barely raise her head, let alone help Eowyn, but she was glad to see that Eowyn held her own. She crawled quietly so the Witch-King didn’t notice, reaching for her sword, and looking up just as the Nazgûl had her crush in a chokehold. 

With a swing of her weapon, he screeched, dropping Eowyn to the floor. Y/N felt an indescribable pain shudder up her shoulder, and she fell back to her knees.

“I am no man,” she faintly heard Eowyn declared before crying out, followed by an agonised death wail.

“Eowyn!” Y/N cried as the blonde fell to the ground. But she was barely keeping herself conscious.

Everything went black.

---

Y/N was beginning to worry.

She’d woken and recovered fairly quickly, finding herself in Gondor’s Houses of Healing. A fellow resident there, Prince Faramir, had befriended her and kept her company even when she was so upset at being confined to a bed that she felt like throwing something extremely valuable and preferably delicate at someone’s head.

But Eowyn still slumbered, her pink lips slightly parted as she breathed quietly, humming in her sleep. Her eyes were tightly closed and her forehead lined - even in dreams she could not escape worry or pain.

Y/N wanted to take it all from her so badly.

Why? she asked herself stupidly. She’s just your friend. Just as Eomer is. Then why are you so much more concerned about her? 

Y/N berated herself for finally facing the truth as she sat by Eowyn’s side, stroking her long blonde hair out of her face with a s/c hand.

“Why do I care about you so much?” Y/N said aloud, wrapping a deep cut with a fresh, medicine-soaked bandage. “Well, maybe it’s because you make me smile like no one else can. Maybe it’s because you’re mor ebeautiful than anyone else I’ve ever laid eyes on. Maybe it’s because ...”

She took a shaky breath. 

“Maybe it’s because I love you.”

Of course, Eowyn didn’t respond. Of course, Y/N was only greeted with silence.

The h/c girl couldn’t help it. She started to sob.

Ugly, fat tears, rolling off her cheeks and onto Eowyn’s bed as she bent her head to cry and cry and cry. 

Hopelessness was as familiar as a breath. But never had it seized her like this.

“I love you!” Y/N said, her head still down. “I love my best friend, and she would never feel the same!”

“H-hey.”

A quiet whisper snapped Y/N out of it instantly.

Eowyn’s eyes were wide open, blinking away tears of sleep to reveal the beautiful blue-green depths.

“I feel the e-exact same way.” It was obviously paining her to say anything with the state she was in, but she said it anyway. “W-why did it take this?”

“I don’t know,” Y/N whispered, almost smiling. “But I want a happy ending. And I want it with you.”

“My Knight in shining armour,” Eowyn teased.

“Nah, I’m pretty sure that’s you.”

A laugh. “Goddamnit, Y/N, just kiss me, please.”

“Gladly.”

A/N - hope you enjoyed @itgetsatadhazy​ and everyone else reading this!

[dekuscrybaby]

Could I request a super shy reader asking out Bakugou ? Scenario or hcs ! Whichever you like ! She’s like super nervous and just ends up going on a rant on why she likes him and asks him out and he just blushes and says yes . I hope that’s not too specific or something >.

y’all be giving me too much freedom, like tell me to choose one format over another and you will end up getting both because that’s just the type of clown that i am! also, i’ll kinda be loosely basing this on me because i’m pretty shy myself, but i’ll keep it as general as possible! also pls my friend, i have none so feel free to privately message me or we can chat through asks i don’t mind 😌 also, i think i went a little overboard with the “scenario” but i’m not all that sorry bc i love my feral bby but also the scenario is kinda booty so sorry about that

(ps this is literally bakugou as you confess/rant to him)

out of the billions of people you could’ve had a crush on, your heart probably chose the worst person

bakugou katsuki, a very angry gremlin if you please

and i’m not saying that bakugou is ugly or anything

it’s the complete opposite actually, hence why you have a crush on him

bakugou’s physical appearance is far from ugly, he’s hands-down one of prettiest boys in your class

that being said, his personality can be considered an acquired taste

as kaminari once said his personality is comparable to “flaming hot garbage”

but that didn’t stop you from liking blasty boy

your friends know about your crush bc it’s just obvious to them and pretty much everyone else (except bakugou)

you’re always asked “what is there to like about bakugou?”

well, what isn’t there to like?

his ash-blonde hair always looks so soft, you just want to run your fingers through it

his eyes are just so beautiful and you want nothing more than to stare into those ruby orbs for hours and hours

his physique is just so amazing and let’s not get you started on how bad you want his muscular arms to wrap around you

and his thighs? phew, please! is it getting hot in here or what?

answer: it is getting hot and by that i mean your face has lit up all shades of red

confessing to crushes is usually hard regardless of how confident a person is but it’s even harder for you because you’re the shyest person in class a

you’re so shy that you’re just known for your blushy cheeks which turn even redder when you’re in the presence of lord explosion murder

you probably even struggle to get a full sentence in when you’re “talking” to him

you guys know how izuku stutters right? well you’re worse than that

you just have the FATTEST crush on this blonde douchebag

so what do your friends do about this crush?

they do what all friends do for their introverted friends with a huge crush on a huge ass extrovert

put you on the spot

*insert your shy ass mentally screeching*

to be fair, you’ve been crushing on bakugou since like the beginning of the school year

something has to happen before your entire class just decides to scream at bakugou about your very clear crush on him

for the sake of a chaotic confession, i’m gonna say that you’re apart of the bakusquad with mina being your best friend

and mina being mina, she’s SICK of your shit and wants you to tell katsuki how you feel

so what does she do?

she shoves you into the janitor’s closet with bakugou

will not let you out until you spill everything

“hey! raccoon eyes! you better let us out before i fucking explode your ass!” bakugou growled as he pounded on the metal door, obviously he was caught off guard. he was just walking back to class with you and your guys’ friends before mina’s crazy-ass pulled you back and shoved you into a small room.

“not until y/n fesses up!” mina shouted back, pulling on the door handle with all her might. she’s doing this for you, it’ll only help you and bakugou, it’s a mantra mina keeps going over in her head. hopefully, a mantra that will prevent her from being killed by the furious blonde.

“what the hell do you mean fesses up?” the blonde bellows out, still pounding at the door.

as they’re screaming and cursing at each other, you have your face hidden away in the sleeves of your school jacket. your face is the reddest it’s ever been and your mind has never spilled this many thoughts until now. your brain is so overwhelmed that there is practically no filter between your brain and your mouth so at this point you’re babbling on endlessly.

it’s not very loud, probably only loud enough for it to be heard in the small room you’re currently in, but that’s where the problem lies.you’re babbling on and on about your huge crush while he is in the same cramped up room as you are. to make matters worse, you guys are completely alone.

“what do i do now? i’m completely alone with the hottest guy in not just the class but probably even school. is mina really not gonna let us out until i tell him i like him? i mean she can’t keep us in here for too long, right? of course not! class is bound to start soon and she has to go to class. plus she has to let us out before mr. aizawa comes to look for us or something. then again, me confessing can’t go that bad. i mean what’s the worst that can happen? well, if i do end up confessing, then there’s a high chance that bakugou might not even like me back and then everything will be super awkward. he prob-”

you probably would’ve continued to rant on if it weren’t for bakugou’s rough voice pulling you out of your verbal thoughts, “what the hell are you going on about?”

you snapped your head up in the direction of your voice, “huh?”

“you heard me, rosy-cheeks. what are you going on about?” he questioned with a quirked eyebrow.

“r-r-rosy-cheeks?” the new nickname just made even more blood rush onto your already blushed cheeks.

bakugou rolled his eyes a bit, “yes, rosy-cheeks. your cheeks are always red so it suits you.”

“oh! uh, thanks i guess?” you tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear, not knowing how to respond to the slight compliment you received from your crush.

a quiet snicker could be heard from the opposite side of the door and that ended up provoking bakugou’s short temper.

“fucking let us out, you used tampon!” he began to yell again. (i couldn’t think of any other nicknames)

“i said i wasn’t letting you out until ms. rosy-cheeks confesses!” mina retorts, matching the level of intensity of katsuki’s voice.

“huh? and what should she be confessing?”

“i don’t know, bakugou, maybe you should ask her instead!” now it was bakugou’s turn to snap his head towards you.

“spill, y/l/n.” he said, his voice much softer than it was a few seconds ago.

“w-what?” you stuttered.

“the faster you tell me whatever mina wants you to tell me, the faster we can get out of here,” he grumbled as you began twiddling with your fingers.

“i-i can’t.”

bakugou sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “what do you mean you can’t?”

“i just can’t, bakugou.” you whimpered quietly.

“y/n, class is going to start again in less than ten minutes and i don’t know about you, but i don’t want to be held up after class by aizawa.”

“i’d rather be held up later than tell you,” you wrapped your arms around yourself, fearing that you’d make him upset.

“goddamnit, y/n! just tell me! it can’t be that hard!” he raises his voice and ultimately, this causes something in you to snap.

“okay, okay! i like you, okay? i’ve liked you for so long that it’s actually embarrassing. it’s just that you’re so cute and something about you just has my heart beating out of my chest. i always feel short of breath and lightheaded when i’m around you and i can’t do anything about it. you’re also so so smart and im actually jealous.” you drew in a quick breath before continuing.

“sure, you might not have the best personality ever according to others but i still find your ‘garbage-like’ personality drawing me into you. do you know how many times people come up to me asking why the hell i like you? it’s quite a shocker for them to hear that i basically like everything about you.”

“i like your spiky blonde hair that is probably super soft. i like your eyes that are the most beautiful shade of red and i always find myself lost in them whenever i look into them for even the briefest moments. i like how passionate you are about your goals and i like how you give your all to reach them. you’re just so amazing and i always find myself wanting to confess to you, hoping that you might feel the same way. i would just absolutely love to call you my boyfriend, you know?”

you finally concluded your rant after what felt like an eternity and for some reason, you forgot about the situation at hand. once you realized that you actually said everything out loud, you felt your entire body heat up. this has to be a dream. or maybe someone used their quirk and caused you to say all of that. not missing a single beat, you glanced up at bakugou, only to find him the same position as you. cheeks and even ears, a bright red that could easily rival midoriya’s sneakers.

“i-i-i, uhh…”

“tch,” bakugou interrupted what could’ve started another rant. “you could’ve just said so earlier.”

“what?” you stared at him with a gaped expression as his cheeks heated up even more,

“i’m just saying, you would’ve said this earlier…then maybe i would’ve been your boyfriend already,” bakugou mumbled as one of his sweaty palms, cradled the back of his neck.

“a-are you serious?”

“do i look like a liar to you, rosy-cheeks?”

“well, uh, no?”

“damn right. now let’s get to class, i’m pretty sure raccoon eyes heard the entirety of your rant and if she reacted anything like me, then she should be satisfied.”

you were still too shocked to properly digest what just happened that you for some reason didn’t feel bakugou take your hand to lead you out of the janitor’s closet. after you walked out with him, you turned your head and noticed mina grinning at you, congratulating you on what was your new relationship with the boy you’ve been pining over for ages.

[rustbeltjessie]

TRUST YR STUPID FUCKING HEART (a playlist)

[This playlist and accompanying text were made for Witchsong in March 2016. But Witchsong has since gone dark, and 8tracks, where the playlist was hosted, has also gone dark. I still love this playlist/piece, so I decided to post it here in its entirety, and round up links to the songs. (I tried to remake the playlist on Spotify but unfortunately a few of these tunes aren’t available there!)]

Lizzo - En Love

M.I.A. - Fire Fire

Little Esther - I’m A Bad, Bad Girl

The Last Shadow Puppets - Bad Habits

Rilo Kiley - Portions for Foxes

Worriers - Unwritten

Colleen Green - Whatever I Want

The I Don’t Cares - Just A Phase

Thurston Moore - Psychic Hearts

The Kills - Fuck the People

Pixies - The Holiday Song

Dum Dum Girls - There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

El Vy - Need A Friend

The Cars - Dangerous Type

The Make*Up - White Belts

The Mo-Dettes - White Mice

Thee Headcoatees - Ça Plane Pour Moi

Huggy Bear - Pansy Twist

Bikini Kill - I Like Fucking

Mika Miko - Sex Jazz

Dresden Dolls - Dirty Business

Screaming Females - Triumph

(+ a bonus track that isn’t on the playlist: Jolie Holland - Springtime Can Kill You)

It is springtime, and springtime can kill you (just like it did poor me). The light is clearer and hangs on longer in the sky each day, the birds are all singing riotous songs in the treetops. A few days ago, it was seventy degrees; I drank iced coffee and resisted the urge to cut the sleeves off all my t-shirts. It is springtime, and I am so damn restless I’m about ready to tear my skin off. I can’t focus on anything. I pick up a book, read a few pages, put it down again. I start a poem, write a few lines, quit. My notebooks are full of Jenny Holzer-esque truisms that I write in all caps. YOU WILL GET SO TIRED OF WEIGHING THE POTENTIAL CONSEQUENCES. SOMETIMES YOU WILL BE READY TO SAY “FUCK IT” AND FOLLOW YR HEART. BE A DRUNKEN SLUT. STOP THINKING. IT’S SO TIRING. TRUST YR STUPID FUCKING HEART.

I just want to trust my stupid fucking heart. Or maybe I just want something that makes my stupid heart beat faster.

I am so tired of weighing the potential consequences. When I was younger, I usually leapt into things without caring what the result would be. (And now I can’t believe I didn’t put that Shivvers song on this playlist: when I was younger, when I was younger, when I was younger.) I went for what felt good, or even bad, as long as I was feeling something. As long as it made me feel alive. But there were enough adverse consequences that I began to grow afraid. I was often on the verge of eviction, because I did things like spending my rent money on road trips. I hurt people. I disappointed people. Friends and family started telling me that I was wasting my life.

…some might say that you and I have wasted our lives so far. Yes, we have had our hearts broken more than most. (We’ve broken some hearts, too.) We’ve had brushes with the law; and we’ve dealt with pregnancy scares and unemployment and spent many mornings too hungover to even move. But we have also experienced so much poetry, seen so much beauty, received so much love. We have had more fun in our short lives than most people ever get to have; so how could we ever consider it a waste?

-from something I wrote in 2006

Maybe I still want to waste my life, if wasting my life is what it takes to feel alive. To paraphrase Dazed & Confused, a movie I watched over and over when I felt those first reckless, restless stirrings in my teenage body: I need some good old, worthwhile, visceral experience. I want to go out into the wild, twisting night, want to take drugs, get laid, maybe get in a fight. Except I don’t do drugs anymore and I don’t get in fights anymore and no, I won’t spend all my rent money on a road trip. There are certain things I’m not willing to risk, and that’s for the best. But I am tired of worrying about what other people think; tired of not doing what I want to do because it might hurt or disappoint someone in my life. I don’t want to hurt anyone, of course not, but it’s my life and it’s springtime and my heart is saying go. I want to fuck. I want to dance. I want to smash it up. I want sudden intense connections with interesting strangers. I want to take long drives in search of coffee and trouble. (Remembering that spring so long ago when I drove the seven hours from Chicago to St. Louis just to get coffee at a Waffle House.) I want to rip my tights, walk along the train tracks, get my boots all covered in good mud. I want, I want, I want. No, I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I am tired of not being myself. And I’m bad news, baby, I’m bad news.

I’m just a traveling girl with a wild mane of wavy red hair, holes in my tights, all my clothes smelling of smoke. I can roll a cigarette while driving down the freeway at eighty miles an hour. I can get drunk as shit and get two hours of sleep and drive from one town to another, then do it all again the next night. I can find my way anywhere. I can get lost anywhere.

-from something I wrote in 2007

I dye my hair red again every spring. No matter what other colors I might dye it the rest of the year, in spring I metamorphose back into a redhead. I was born with red hair but it faded to a drab brown when I hit puberty, some shitty twist of fate, so I became a bottle redhead. Red hair is fiery, brazen, witchy. (Redheads used to be burnt at the stake as witches, because it was believed they had magic powers.) Red is the color of anger and lust, love and rage. The color of blood and lipstick and my stupid, wildly beating heart. Girls like me are meant to have red hair.

It’s springtime, and I’m a wild redheaded girl for life. So take me out tonight. Take me anywhere, I don’t care, I don’t care. Take me to where the rough edges of the night meet the back alleys. Take me to the rooftops and fire escapes of your town. Take me to all-nite diners, where we can get coffee-buzzed and plot to take over the world. Let’s walk around. Let’s drive too fast on backroads. I don’t need your love, I just need a friend.

I still want all the same old dumb shit I’ve always wanted. Spontaneous adventures, crushes, mix tapes. Music I can feel in my guts, in my bones, whether it’s hip-hop or the punk rocks. Sneaky eyes and sleeveless t-shirts. Sex and danger. In the immortal words of Henry Rollins: I want to fuck on the floor and break shit. Yeah, I like fucking. I’m always restless, and next to wandering, sex is one of the few things that eases my restlessness. And I believe in the radical possibilities of pleasure, babe. I do, I do, I do.

I’ve lost some friends because I’ve failed to grow up properly. These friends used to be just like me (you fuckers used to be just like me), but they went straight. I don’t mean straight as in heterosexual, I mean straight as in normal. They became capital-G Grown Ups. They got advanced degrees and nine-to-fives and stopped making zines and got their tattoos removed. I’m an adult, too. I have a kid, and a writing career; I pay my bills instead of going on ill-advised road trips, I don’t go on benders or do drugs anymore. But I also haven’t given up crushes or adventure or art or punk; I’m still making zines and giving myself stick ’n’ poke tattoos. I’ve still got that steel-toed spark and that teenage j.d. twitch. Maybe they’re bitter because they thought growing up meant giving all that up.

We can have all of it! We can be mamas and healers and have love and morals and sweetness and good things in our lives, but we don’t have to give up the rest—we can also be wild punk rock goddesses of destruction and fuck and fight and drink and smoke and swear and make mad art, goddamnit!

-from something I wrote in 2013

I should’ve known something was up the last time I saw M.—before she decided she hated me, when I still thought we’d be friends for life—when she said: “I’m over Amanda Palmer. It’s not cute to tell young girls that it’s okay to be fucked-up.” That stunned me, because she was once a fucked-up girl, just like me. She and I used to listen to Dresden Dolls albums and talk about how eerily close to our own lives they were, how it was like AFP had looked into our souls and made songs out of them. But maybe that’s the other thing. It’s not just that M. and the others gave up their former passions. They also regret that they ever lived that way. They regret the days of chronic unemployment and ill-advised road trips, the crazy-mad love affairs, the all-nite diner marathons, the epic meals we made from what we found in dumpsters. And I don’t. No matter how I’ve changed, or how many of those things I don’t want anymore, I could never ever regret those days. They made me who I am, and they gave me so many stories to tell. To all the ones who thought they knew me best, a test to prove your prowess. Who was mine in ’99? I want last names, and current status.

No, I don’t want to wind up on the verge of eviction, or have my electricity shut off. I don’t want to hurt anyone. But it is springtime, and I am so tired of weighing the potential consequences. And I’m just a redheaded restless punk rock goddess of destruction for life, and I still want all that shit that makes my stupid, reckless heart beat faster. Loud music, caffeine, adventure, sex. If you’re like me, you’re feeling the same way. So:

WHO CARES WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK. STOP THINKING. IT’S SO TIRING. TRUST YR STUPID FUCKING HEART.

Get out, get out of your house.

[really-sleep-deprived-nerd]

Feelings Are Odd

Summary: Both Logan and Virgil are in love but confused about what “Love” is. They find a nice solution though.

Pairing: Analogical

Words: 1734

Warnings: None that I can think off. Maybe a tad bit out of character?? Yeah probably Logan is like Very Sappy in this one so. Out of character.

Notes: Do you guys remember that post I made of me using the Nerds TM to vent about my problems with feelings??? Yeah this is the fic and also what goes through my head when I like someone.

I have the first draft for a part two but the chances of me finishing it are infinitesimal, so sorry about that.

Logan knocked on virgil's door and calmly waited for the other to open it. Virgil poked his head from behind the door, looking confused and tired, but when he saw Logan, he smiled.

“Oh, hey L, do you need something?” Virgil asked and Logan nodded.

“Yes, I am in need of your assistance. I am attempting to understand a very strange and complicated feeling I have been having as of late and I would appreciate if you could help me do so.” Logan answered and Virgil gave him a confused look.

“Uh, I'm not saying I won't help you, but, why do you want my help? I mean, I don't understand half of my own feelings most of the time and on top of that, you know a person that is literally feelings personified, so why don't you ask him?” The anxious side asks as he leans on the doorframe.

“While it might be true that you have problems understanding your own feelings, there is no way you could fare worse than me in this emotions matters.” Virgil snorted at that and Logan continued. “And in regards to why I don't ask Patton, the reason is very simple: While Im aware that he and Roman should be considered experts on these matters, they both seem to experience said feelings a lot stronger than I do and I believe they won't be able to completely understand what I mean because of that and my own inability to express my emotions.”

Virgil nods and Logan continues explaining his line of thought. “Since you seem to be the most calm and rational out of the three of the remaining sides I consider myself friends with I thought you might be the best suited to assist me in coming to a conclusion about this.”

“Fair enough. Want us to go to your room? This looks like it's going to be a long chat and we both know what my room does to anyone who stays for too long and if what you want to talk about is important enough for you to ask for help, then I think you would want to keep your head clear for that.”

Logan stopped and thought for a second before nodding. “You are very correct, follow me please.”

The more they approached Logan´s room the more Logan seemed to grow, ironically enough, anxious. Once they were in Logan's room, Virgil sitting cross legged in Logan's desk chair and Logan sitting on his bed, the logical side looked almost scared.

“Well, nerd, spill, what's up?”

“I'm going to say this and I beg of you to don't freak out or get angry at me.” Virgil raised an eyebrow at that and looked at Logan squinting.

“Your feelings are about me, aren't they?” It sounded less like a question and more like an affirmation and Logan sighed.

“Yes, and even though they aren't bad, far from it actually, I'm starting to believe that maybe asking your help wasn't the brightest of ideas”

“No shit sherlock.” Virgil actually laughed. “Logan trust me, its fine, you did what you thought was better and most rational. Honestly, if I wasn't such an anxious mess I would have probably asked for your help with basically the same problem a long time ago.” Logan seemed to physically relax for a second, but then he looked at Virgil confused.

“Why would have you asked my help with feelings?”

“When I feel something strong for someone my anxiety tends to cloud my judgment and makes me second guess my own feelings a lot and it's literally the most frustrating shit I have ever dealt with. I need unbiased logic to try and differentiate what are my true feelings and what are a product of my own fears and anxieties”

“Oh, in that case, feel free to come to me when you are having trouble with that, I will help you to the best of my ability.”

Virgil smiled at him and then gestured at Logan to continue. “Thanks L, now, you were saying, feelings?”

“Ah, yes, I believe I might be harboring romantic feelings towards you, but I'm not entirely sure if they are truly romantic feelings or if they are merely some extremely strong platonic feelings.” Logan said with his face neutral, even if you could hear a tint of nervousness in his voice. Virgil blinked owlishly at him for a second, and then he almost started laughing. Almost.

“Of course, of fucking course you are having the same doubt I have. Goddamnit Logan.” Virgil pinched the bridge of his nose and Logan looked at him curiously.

“Im afraid I don't understand what you mean by “same doubt you have”, would you care to elaborate?”

“I meant that ,remember what I said earlier about my anxiety making me doubt my feelings? Well, I meant exactly that. I have literally the same problem: I think I like you, but I'm not sure if I really like you-like you or if I just really really enjoy your company.” Virgil explained and Logan nodded in understanding. A extremely faint blush creeped up on both of their faces.

“Oh, am I correct in assuming by how irritated you sound that you havent reached a conclusion regarding your feelings?” Virgil nodded and Logan pinched the bridge of his nose. “Then there is a big chance that this conversation will be useless, given the fact that we are both completely lost.”

“I'm not so sure about that.” Virgil argued. “I mean, so far we both have been dealing with our feelings alone and just thinking about them and I'm pretty sure I read something that said that talking about feelings made it easier for you to understand them and deal with them.”

“I believe you might be right, but if we are going to start talking and analyzing my feelings then we are going to do the exact thing with you.”

“Fair enough.” Virgil conceded. “The most basic question to ask is: What do you feel?”

“Has that ever worked for you?”

Virgil barked a laugh at that and shook his head. “No, but you are a lot more smarter than I am, L.”

“Falsehood, we both are brilliant in our own ways.” Logan sighed pinching the bridge of his nose. “It would be wonderful if our brilliancy would apply to the matters of the heart too.”

“Logan you are avoiding my question and you know it.” Virgil reminded. “What do you feel?”

“I…” Logan paused, trying to gather his thoughts. “I feel quite warm and happy when I'm near you, very much comfortable and relaxed, which is odd because I tend to be incredibly stressed most of the time. Have you ever felt something like that? Like you are at peace when you are near me?”

“Yes, actually I, uh, feel like that too, but you put it in words that actually make sense, the difference with me is that instead of stressed I tend to be anxious most of the time.”

“Then I just have this sudden thoughts that feel so strange, but so right at the same time.”

“How? Like when you start rambling about things that you are passionate about and the only thing that comes to my mind is “I could listen to him for hours”?” Virgil asked, just a tad bit embarrassed  Logan nodded, blushing just a tiny bit.

“Exactly like that, and even if i'm pretty sure that thinking things like that should be a tell-tale sign that my feelings are indeed romantic I can't help but doubt it because…”

“Because you started having this kind of thoughts after you started entertaining the idea that you might like me?” Virgil supplied and Logan nodded.

“Yes, that and the fact that usually romantic feelings come hand in hand with a feeling of nervousness when you are around the object of your affection and that one should have a bit of trouble speaking coherently or eloquently when near them, but I just feel nothing but warm and peace.”

“Yeah! And people say that when you love someone you are bound to grow jealous of them but I just feel nothing??? Like, why would I feel jealous?? First of all you are my friend, so your happiness comes first and second why the fuck would I care?? If we were dating I trust you to no fuck things up and and since we aren't it's not my damn business to feel like that!”

“Yes! My exact thoughts!” Logan exclaimed.

They grew quiet for a minute or so, until the logical side spoke again.

“Also, it really scares me how fast I know I could just squish this feelings, you know? Like, Im aware that if I ever confessed-”

“Logan we kinda just did that.” Virgil interrupted, heavily amused.

“Yes I know let me finish explaining this- and you didn't feel the same, as long as our friendship keeps onwards like it currently is, I wouldn't really mind that much, and people always seem to be so heartbroken when their crushes don't feel the same about them.”

“I get you, yeah. As long as you are in my life I wouldn't mind staying platonic, Im happy to just get hugs and cuddles.” Virgil said and Logan nodded, a soft smile on his face. “But, the thing is, that was when we were in the dark about what the other felt, and now we know we literally feel the exact same, so, my question is: What do we do now?”

“Excellent question: I have no clue.” Logan practically deadpanned and Virgil laughed.

“Maybe we should just, like, take things slow and keep going how we are right now, but maybe listening to our feelings just a bit more.”

“That sounds satisfactory, but may I inquire what exactly do you mean by listening to our feelings just a bit more?” Logan asked. “Do you mean like when you rest your head in my lap while you are mindlessly scrolling through your phone and Im reading and  instead of  having to physically restrain myself from start brushing your hair with my fingers like I usually do, I should just, do it?” Logan asked, blushing lightly and Virgil smiled fondly at him.

“Yeah, exactly like that.” He said, stretching as he got up from the chair. “Wanna go watch a movie downstairs?”

“Yes, that would be wonderful.”

[wereverine]

combining these because one of y’all absolute mad lads wanted me to do the whole thing,, these are from the unusual asks (found here) now on to the questions !!!

1: Do you ever wish you were someone else?

~ tbh yeah,, like I wanna be the person I am on the inside,, I want my outsides to mirror my insides and just let everyone know who I am no hiding or making excuses any more,, I want people to look at me and be inspired to be themselves,, to love themselves,, and to just love me (if that’s the kind of relationship that specific person has with me)

2: What is your full name?

~ Nikita “Magnus” Nickerson (Magnus is a placeholder middle name for now,, I like it but also I think I might wanna change it to something else I dunno yet)

3: How old are you and how old do you get mistaken for?

~ I’m 19 currently and I get mistaken for either 16 or 21/22 with no in between

4: Have you ever dyed your hair?

~ finally I can answer yes to a question like this !!! it was semi-perm but omg I dyed it teal and my mom’s gonna let me do a mystery color sometime soon (it’s a surprise what color :3)

5: What’s your eye color?

~ deep brown,, like deeeeeppppp brown omg ppl used to make fun of me because I had “black,, demon eyes” and I was really good at staring contests when I was younger

6: Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it?

~ honestly it varies sometimes I’m super indifferent to the body I have and other times I’m super insecure and want to get rid of my body,, but I am doing better about it and I’m glad my body gets me from place to place

7: Do you have any tattoos or piercings?

~ I don’t currently have any tattoos (but watch tf out when I have money I have So many planned lol) and I’ve had my earlobes pierced since I was 6 months old and I’m planning to get some more piercings

8: What would you say is your best quality?

~ my ability to be there for ppl when they really need it,, like I drop stuff so quick when ppl indicate they need me

9: What are you really bad at?

~ math,, expressing my feelings,, talking about my feelings,, letting myself feel my feelings,, taking time for myself BEFORE I break down,, working myself into a breakdown,, asking for help

10: What talent do you wish you had?

~ honestly I wish I had the talent to actually know when to stop blaming myself

11: Are you nice to everyone?

~ nope,, but I try to be as polite as possible,, and I’ve gotten better about being nicer to people

12: What do you think about the most?

~ I mainly think about missed opportunities and how to let my friends know I care about them deeply and love them without weirding them out

13: Things you like/dislike about yourself?

~ hoo boy I’m gonna limit this to 3 things each otherwise we’d be here all day; likes: ability to listen,, creative,, intuitive; dislikes: bottling up emotions,, stubborn,, low self-esteem

14: What is your least favorite word?

~ moist

15: What is your favorite word?

~ petrichor

16: Are you more like your mom or your dad?

~ tbh,, I’m a fairly even mix,, but a lot of times I don’t act like either one of them

17: Would you ever smile at a stranger?

~ honestly,, I do that weird lil half smile that ppl get when another person is looking at them to do something lol

18: A reason you’ve lied to someone?

~ to stay out of trouble

19: Are you lying about anything right now?

~ the only thing I’m lying about is my emotional state when ppl ask how I’m doing

20: Have you kissed someone older than you?

~ romantically? nah,, but platonically? definitely

21: Do you believe in love at first sight?

~ not really,, not for me at least

22: Do you believe in soulmates?

~ of a sort,, like there are just some people that you vibe with in a very special way and it’s not always romantic either

23: Are looks important?

~ to me,, looks aren’t the most important thing,, I feel like personality goes beyond looks and can even enhance how your brain sees people

24: Opinion on relationship age differences?

~ after a certain amount of years I don’t particularly agree with them,, like if you have a 20+ year age gap I don’t really get it,, like if the ppl get together when one is like 20 and the other is like 40,, there’s such a gap in the understanding the 2 (or more) ppl will have,, but also it’s not my life and not really my business what grown adults do

25: Would you date someone off the internet?

~ I’d be willing to try but tbh it’s hard enough trying to date someone you met in person

26: Have you ever cried over a boy/girl?

~ yes,, many times

27: Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

~ yeah,, I had a crush on one of my friends while they were in a relationship and I felt so Bad,, like I didn’t want to ruin their relationship or lose their friendship so I just kept my mouth shut lol

28: Anyone you’re giving up on right now?

~ not really,, I’ve either given up on them a while ago or I still have a small shred of hope

29: Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

~ not really ??? (unless they just didn’t tell me lmao)

30: Have you ever like your best friend?

~ actually yeah I have skskdddkdk

31: How does someone win your heart?

~ honestly,, I get crushes ridiculously easy if you’re nice to me for a while and show affection in an exuberant way,, and that typically deepens until one day I’m sitting there looking at that person when they’re telling me something they are So excited over and they have stars in their eyes and my face goes soft and I look at them like they hung the sun,, moon,, and stars just for me and it hits me like a freight train that I might just love this person and it doesn’t have to be romantically or sexually,, I just feel for people I’m close to very deeply and it might be pathetically easy to win my heart but goddamnit I’m soft and love a lot ❤❤

32: What turns you on?

~ a lot of different things actually,, like sometimes if the person I like is physically bigger than me and they need me to stand or sit a certain way and they position me just the way they need,, that’s umm,, Hot af,, although I act mad at the manhandling lol,, and oh god if they’re Big and they pin me with an intense stare and like loom over me (maybe with me against the wall aksksk 😍),, also my neck is like Very sensitive like to the point that if you lightly blow against it I full body shudder,, y’all don’t know how distracting it is when your crush is hugging you and telling you something important but you can’t listen because every word is a puff of air against your neck so you just close your eyes and hope to god your subconscious is actually retaining the info (oh god I just had a Thought,, if someone pinned me to the wall by my throat and then kissed me breathless while pressing close enough my gasping brushes our chests together and then kissed my neck with either tenderness or ferocity I’d probably fucking self combust on the spot),, to go along with that I Love Love Love neck kisses so much (y’all probably know too much about that by now lol),, y’all I’m just really into mouths,, lips,, teeth,, tongues are all just very top teir,, oh fuck,, flexing muscles get to me so much,, like cross your arms in front of me and I won’t look at your eyes because mine will be glued to those fucking arms,, god fuck thigh riding is the dream here 😍😍,, okay I’m gonna stop myself here but it’s easy to turn me on sometimes and hard other times (that greyasexual life)

33: What turns you off?

~ okay let me honest here,, as much as I like tongues and all they can do ;),, I don’t really enjoy french kissing (maybe that’s my last ex’s fault,, his kisses were just so Wet) like I much prefer those open-mouthed kisses with minimal tongue,, and people who are rude and assholes for no reason are like huge turn-offs no matter how attractive they are,, also I hate those people who like desperately want to be doms but they just become like overbearing,, lowkey abusive,, and highly annoying,, tbh most of this list is gonna be shit my ex did because it was all so Unsexy in hindsight

34: Do you get jealous easily?

~ imo not really,, like I might be jealous after a while if the person like after telling me that we would be spending time together alone and they didn’t really follow through like bringing another person along and focusing on them the whole time or focusing on a stranger overly much but I don’t really like feeling jealous because I don’t like forcing myself on people if it seems they are happier doing what they’re doing and I can’t control people only myself so I typically try and redirect any jealous thoughts,, if its like a constant thing tho I’d definitely talk to that person

35: What is your definition of cheating?

~ well for starters,, I don’t consider hugging other people or spending time with them cheating,, I guess I would define cheating for me personally is if the person knowingly hides a deep emotional/physical relationship with another person,, like say I was dating a person and then I found out they were spilling their fears and dreams with another person and telling me nothing or barely anything I’d be a little upset,, but also you can’t expect your s/o to talk to you and only you,, everybody needs and deserves a support system,, or if I found out they were having sex or taking another person out on dates without my knowledge,, like if they just talked to me and explained everything before they started anything they might find I’m open to accommodating them

36: Do you forgive betrayal?

~ for me,, this varies from person to person,, but there comes a point no matter the person that I will drop their ass (that’s what I get for having 7 earth signs with 5 of them being Taurus in my birth chart)

37: Have you ever been cheated on?

~ yes

38: Have you ever cheated on someone?

~ to my knowledge,, no,, but everyone has different definitions of cheating,, but I abhor cheating so like god I hope not

39: How often do you listen to music?

~ every fucking day,, mainly all day every day no joke,, I spent my entire senior year of hs with at least one headphone in blasting music to keep myself calm (I’m baby from baby driver essentially),, music is everything to me truly

40: First concert you attended?

~ the first concert I ever attended was a Goody Grace concert (y’all check my boy out I love him) it was lovely and it really woke something up in me in regards to frantically trying to plan visits to concerts now lol

41: Last movie you watched?

~ honestly,, I’m pretty sure I’ve watched at least one movie after this one,, but the last movie I remember watching is Aquaman a few weeks ago

42: Favorite type of movie?

~ Action/Adventure or Sci-Fi

43: Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

~ I went through a period of self-harm for 9 years and I still struggle with craving those feelings a lot and when I relapse I feel like shit,, I’m better about talking about it through like texts or whatever it’s really hard for me to talk about it out loud,, I get really fucking choked up and kinda teary sometimes

44: Are you good at hiding your feelings?

~ for the most part,, yeah,, I’ve bottled up my feelings and problems for so long I’ve gotten quite good at not showing everything I’m feeling,, but lately,, I’ve been trying to go against that and show what I’m feeling when around people that care for me

45: Do you fall in love easily?

~ love? I don’t know about that but I get infatuated really easily,, I have a hard time identifying love and how it feels to me so I don’t realize I love someone until it smacks me in the face

46: Do you think people say “I love you” too much?

~ fuck no,, say I love you to the people you love damnit !!! I say I love you to my friends AND my family,, like omg sometimes I have to just shut up because I’m bursting with love for people,, and if I’m drunk I say I love you like every five seconds ❤😍😘

47: What’s your favorite holiday?

~ very basic of me,, but Halloween/All Hallow’s Eve,, it’s really one of the only widely celebrated holidays I like

48: Are you a forgiving person? Do you like being that way?

~ this depends on what the person is asking for forgiveness for,, but there comes a point where nothing they say or do could possibly get me to forgive them,, like sometimes you just have cut ppl off

49: Where’s the most magical place on earth?

~ (disney land/world ??? I’m jk lol) on god,, it’s sitting with someone you vibe with and sharing bits and pieces of your souls between each other (and if that devolves into being wrapped up in each other until the stars come out then that’s magical babey 😍)

50: What’s your “type”?

~ nice,, funny,, passionate,, ??? it’s surprisingly hard to put into words,, rest assured I intimately know I do have a type,, it’s just very broad lol

Okay,, that’s the 50 questions !!! thank you darlin’ much for asking me to do this lol,, sorry it took me a while,, love you ❤❤ !!!

[cconcerned]

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

My mom ;w;

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

Not rlly anyone-

4. Are you easy to get along with?

Depends. If work then no, if just hanging out then i think so

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

‘‘I like’‘ friend: probaly. ‘‘I like’‘ crush: idk

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

outgoing ppl and taht just like memes and gaming. Dont know really

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

Nope

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

my older, middle brother 

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

little bit

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Mom

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

Just some pics or text: 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Musical songs. Mostly Heathers 

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

Not really. I have hair that is greasy 24/7. So the person would probaly be grossed out before they touch it

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Ye

15. What good thing happened this summer?

summer sucks so badly- but I guess.....I- dont know actually

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

V i r g i n  l i p s. never kissed before 

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

Nah

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

nope, I told him and after years of being good/best friends we stopped talking

19. Do you like bubble baths?

absolutely

20. Do you like your neighbors?

dont have them. Or I just never talk to them

21. What are you bad habits?

This is kinda embarassing but thumb sucking. like a baby. Also nail biting

22. Where would you like to travel?

Japan or China

23. Do you have trust issues?

Eh, idk

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

sitting behind my computer

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

My face

26. What do you do when you wake up?

think about life and lay there for 30 mins

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

darker. Im an marshmellow now

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

My older youngest brother

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

Ye, suprisingly

30. Do you ever want to get married?

Probaly yes

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

I think it has to say ‘‘Is’‘, so yeah, it is

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Intresting question- I dont keep in touch with the new celebrities so idk. 

33. Spell your name with your chin.

oh god- Ill just use my nickname ppl know me as, not my real one:

RfdIkVERf     -  River

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

I have worse condition then an snail

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

without tv. Dont watch it. Also you have youtube

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Ye. I like someone now but I am to afraid to tell them

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

Nothing

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Likes gaming, horror, memes, and is overal an nice guy to talk to

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

Outside? You want me dead?

40. What do you want to do after high school?

Probaly go into game design

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Depends on what they done

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

Im being myself

43. Do you smile at strangers?

If I try to smile I look like I am dissapointed in them or angry

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

outer space. 

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

Remembering I have youtube vids to watch and I have books to read

46. What are you paranoid about?

the things I dont know

47. Have you ever been high?

Nope

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Nah

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

Yeah. So I aint going to tell it

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Black

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Yeah, constantly

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

My face

53. Favourite makeup brand?

I dont do makeup

54. Favourite store?

Dont go to stores

55. Favourite blog?

Cant think of anything on the top of my head. Too many

56. Favourite colour?

Purple or black

57. Favourite food? 

Brocoli or something unhealthy like hamburgers

58. Last thing you ate?

chocolate cereal

59. First thing you ate this morning?

chocolate cereal

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Yeah. Won a playback competition in 4th grade of elementary

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Never been

62. Been arrested? For what?

Im too much of an pussy to do something to get myself arrested

63. Ever been in love? 

Of course

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

Mk. It all started when I was an baby and my mom kissed me on the head

65. Are you hungry right now?

Just ate

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

Dont have tumblr friends, (Or real friends)

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Twitter

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?

Nope

70. Names of your bestfriends? 

I guess I only have one, Roksana. 

71. Craving something? What?

Chocolate milk

72. What colour are your towels?

blue

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

around 4

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Yeah

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

over 100 probaly

75. Favourite animal?

Bears or cats

76. What colour is your underwear?

Light pink- dont judge me goddamnit

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

Chocolate

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

white with pink and black hearts. Stfu

80. What colour pants?

same as shirt, Im in pyjama

81. Favourite tv show?

Tanked

82. Favourite movie?

UhHHhh Osomatsu san the movie probaly, not sure yet.

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Never seen both but I think I like Mean Girls from what ive seen and heard

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

Mean Girls.

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

Uhhhh- hard to pick favorites

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

random, but Dory

87. First person you talked to today?

My older middle brother

88. Last person you talked to today?

Its morning-

89. Name a person you hate?

Alexia

90. Name a person you love?

Roksana

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

100% 24/7 yes

92. In a fight with someone?

Have been.

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

around 3

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

7

95. Last movie you watched?

uhhhhhhhh-- shit I dont watch movies

96. Favourite actress?

dont have one

97. Favourite actor?

dont have one

98. Do you tan a lot?

Eh

99. Have any pets?

ye

100. How are you feeling?

could be better, could be worse

101. Do you type fast?

ye

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

of course I do

103. Can you spell well?

Depends if Im rushing: not

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Ye

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Probaly once

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

Yeah

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Mhm

108. What should you be doing?

Getting ready to go meet someone

109. Is something irritating you right now?

Nah

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Nada

111. Do you have trust issues?

Isnt this question asked before?

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

Mom

113. What was your childhood nickname?

Never had one

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

Yeah

115. Do you play the Wii?

Used to

116. Are you listening to music right now?

Nope

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Never tried it

118. Do you like Chinese food?

Kinda

119. Favourite book?

Warrior Cats

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

Pretty spoopy shit

121. Are you mean?

I dunno

122. Is cheating ever okay?

Nope

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

Waste of time when they are going to be dirty again by the next day

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Never thought of it.

125. Do you believe in true love?

Probaly not

126. Are you currently bored?

YEah

127. What makes you happy?

Spending time with myself

128. Would you change your name?

Mhm

129. What your zodiac sign?

Libra

130. Do you like subway?

Never tried it

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Think about life and what to do

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

This has been asked before

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

Blue from Heathers

134. Can you count to one million?

Yeah but I aint gonna try

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

Alot, hard to pick one

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Open

137. How tall are you?

around 5′7

138. Curly or Straight hair?

Straight

139. Brunette or Blonde?

Blonde

140. Summer or Winter?

Winter

141. Night or Day?

Night

142. Favourite month?

January

143. Are you a vegetarian?

Nope

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

Dark

145. Tea or Coffee?

Neither

146. Was today a good day?

Dont know yet, only morning

147. Mars or Snickers?

Mars

148. What’s your favourite quote?

‘‘Bruh’‘ i think not sure

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

Ye

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

dont have an book next to me

I like to answer these ok dont judge-

[growningupgeek]

With A Little Help

Word Count-1930

Characters-Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester, Reader

Warnings-Missing/Injured Sam, mentions of toture(not graphic), canon level violence.

Summary-When Sam goes missing on what should have been an easy case, a hidden friend decides to lend a helping hand.

A/N-Thanks to @skybinx-blog for beta reading and giving me a great laugh in the middle of a crappy night at work. You know you’ve done something right when the comment starts out “Goddamnit, Cat!”  

Feedback is more than welcome

also on AO3

Tags are under the cut.  If you want on or off my list Please drop me an ask or message. 

-JediCat

Edit is mine.  Please do not repost any of my work on anyother site with out my written permissions.

The sound of someone crying led Dean through the bunker to Sam's room.  He knew it had to be Y/N, the only other person in the bunker since Sam had vanished a few weeks before.  He'd left on what should have been a simple salt and burn, saying he could handle it himself and never returned.  Dean had followed a few days later, after shaking the cold that kept him home in the first place, only to find no trace of Sam. No one in the town remembered seeing him, there was no sign of the car he'd taken and he'd never checked into the one motel in the area.  He stood outside the door of the room that Y/N and Sam had shared wondering if he should disturb her.  As far as he knew she hadn’t been back to this room in weeks, choosing to sleep in the room she’d used when she first joined them rather than where she had been so happy for a few months.

The sound of her sobbing was what finally decided him.  Quietly pushing the door open he found Y/N sitting on the bed with Sam’s blue flannel spread across her lap clutching something in her hands.  He sat next to her and put his arm around her shoulders pulling her closer to him.

“What’s wrong, kiddo,” he asked a gentle voice.

She turned her tear stained face towards him and in a broken voice replied, “Did you know?”

“Know what,” he was confused.

She tightened her hands around whatever she was holding. “I came in to get one of his shirts, I just wanted something that smelled like him, ya know.  This was the first one I grabbed and this fell…”

Another sob ripped through her as she opened her trembling hands.  She was holding a small, velvet box that she flipped open.  Inside was a delicate looking, silver ring set with a small emerald and a (y/bs) with multiple protective runes carved into the band. Dean had known Sam was serious about Y/N, but not that serious.

“No, honey,” he said softly.  “I didn’t.  If I had I’d have gotten it out of here before you found it.”

Y/N drew in a deep breath. “Dean, this is an engagement ring.  He was going...”

Her voice trembled to a stop.  Dean wrapped his other arm around her and pulled her into a hug as her sobs rang through the bunker.  He wished he had the words to comfort her.

Deep in the bunker something stirred, one of its charges was in pain.  It followed the path of aching loss to the woman Sam and Dean called Y/N.  The bunker knew Sam loved her so that deep ache was a bad thing.  It was surprised to find her in Sam’s room being held by Dean as she cried.  A quick scan of the area showed Sam was nowhere nearby, so it delved into both Y/N and Dean’s memories.  The ones it needed were fresh and raw, and it felt anger that someone had possibly harmed one of the Legacies.  It reached down into the earth for the magical node it was built on and followed the leylines to where Sam was supposed to have gone.

Hundreds of miles away, Sam was tied to a chair feeling half dead.  What looked like a haunting had turned out to be a town full of demons.  He’d done his best but eventually their numbers had overwhelmed him and he’d been taken down.  While he was unconscious the demons had searched him thoroughly, taking all his weapons and his phone and placing them on a table where he could see them.  It was just one more way to torture him, leaving everything he needed where he could get to it if he could only get free.  But who ever had tied up had known what they were doing and the knots were out of his reach.  So instead of looking at what he couldn’t have, Sam used the time they left him alone to try to get some rest.  Ignoring the blood that dripped down his chest from the latest session he closed his eyes and tried to get what sleep he could.  

As he drifted into the twilight between the waking world and sleep that was as close as he got to true rest he felt it.  There was a tickling at the edge of his mind in a place that he had thought long dormant, a place that he thought he could only get to when he was drinking demon blood.  It didn’t feel dark like those powers did, it felt curious, like it was looking for something or someone.  Deciding to take a chance that it was a young physic stretching their mental muscles he drew on those long ago lessons from Ruby and reached back.

‘My name is Sam and I need your help, please,’ he thought. There was no response, at least not in words.  A feeling of surprise, followed by stronger curiosity.  An empath probably, Sam hoped that whoever it was could catch images or words along with feelings.  He let some of the desperation he felt into the link along with an image of the town he’d gone to, the head demon with black eyes then a piece of paper with Dean’s name and current phone number on it.  After a minute there was a wave of understanding and then the other presence was gone.   But it left behind something Sam hadn’t felt in a while, hope.

The bunker pulled back the feelers it had sent into the leylines, it had Sam’s location now it just needed to get the information to Dean.  His natural shield and the protections that the angel had given him were too difficult to get through so planting the information in his mind not an option; Y/N was a different story.  She had some natural shielding but not as strong as Dean’s.  It could get into her mind as she slept and plant the information in the form of a dream.  All it had to do was wait until she tried to sleep.

Y/N dragged herself out of the library, having exhausted herself researching a way to find Sam.  She’d already tried a half dozen tracking spell but none of them had worked, Dean had abandoned the search for another hours ago in favor of sleeping but she had kept going until the print on the page in front of her made no sense to her sleep deprived brain.  The room she was using seemed so far away that she ended up in Sam’s room.  Curling up in the blankets with her head on his pillow she could almost believe that he was just cleaning up the library before he came to bed.  Comforted, she fell into a deep sleep for the first time in weeks.

The dreams started almost immediately; visions of the town Sam had been heading to, a man with the black eyes of a demon, Sam overwhelmed by demons then tied up and tortured, an abandoned house miles outside of town deep in the woods.  She jerked out of sleep with the sure knowledge that Sam was alive and in more trouble than even he could handle.  She jumped out of bed and raced to Dean’s room.

She pounded on the door until he opened it then poured out her dream in a rush of words, barely stopping for a breath between sentences.  When she finished she kept her hopeful eyes on Dean, praying that he’d say let’s go.

Instead he crushed her hopes.  “Honey, I already looked…”

“Fine, I’ll go by myself,” she yelled turning her back on him. “And when I come back with Sam I’ll expect a lavish apology.”

Dean watched as she ran off and heard a door slam down the hall.  After a minute, he sighed and went to the room that Y/N was using.  He walked in without knocking to find her packing her duffle bag.  He watched as she jammed jeans, tee-shirts and flannels into, then grabbed her gun from the top drawer of the night stand and checked it before putting it in the waistband of her jeans.  

“What makes you so sure,” he asked finally.

She looked at him for a minute before shrugging. “I don’t know, Dean, I just am.  I’m also sure that if we don’t get there soon it’s going to be too late for him.”

She picked up her bag and shoved past him and headed for the garage.  Knowing that he would never change her mind, Dean grabbed his go bag from his room and followed her, because if she was right Sam would never forgive him for letting her go alone.

                           Sam clung to that shred of hope even though he could feel his body fading, he didn’t know how long he’d been captive or how much blood he’d lost but he knew he couldn’t hold out much longer. He was aware of the sounds of a scuffle outside the door of the room but ignored it.  It was probably just the demons arguing over who was next to torture him, something that happened fairly often as they weren’t very good at sharing.  It took a while for him to realize that instead of getting quieter as demons dropped out the sounds were getting louder and closer.  Something hit the door hard causing a loud sound that made him jump a little.  Then a very familiar voice shouted, “Dean, over here! This door is locked.”

Seconds later the lock clicked and the door opened slowly to reveal Dean and Y/N, both armed with angel blades.  Before he could say anything, Sam’s head was jerked back and he felt the edge of a knife press against his throat.  He felt a split second of despair that he was going to die with rescue so close, but he shoved that feeling down.  He was not going to die in front of his family, not tonight.   He closed his eyes, not wanting to see their faces as he tried to think of a way to help.

“Drop the weapons or he dies right here, right now,” the demon said, tightening his grip until Sam flinched.  There were several moments of silence, then he heard the blades hit the floor.  He opened his eyes and when he caught Dean’s attention he glanced down at his feet.  Dean gave a barely perceptible nod and Sam closed his eyes again.  He counted to three then pushed his feet against the floor with as much strength as he could muster.  It wasn’t much, but it was enough to move the chair he was tied too and knock the demon off balance.  He heard a scream at the same time as he felt the knife cut into his skin.  His last thought as he went into the darkness was that maybe that hadn’t been such a good idea.

The bunker waited patiently, something it knew how to do very well.  It was a week later when the door opened again and Sam was helped in by Dean and Y/N.  He was battered and bruised but it would help with that by activating the healing spells hidden in the sigils in its walls.  As Dean helped Sam down the hall to his room Y/N placed her hand on the wall.

“Thank you,” she whispered. “I know you helped us find him.”

The Usual Suspects- @darkcastersruletheworld​​ @black-shad0w-w0lf​​ @imagine-that-supernatural​​ @ladysaraharper​​ @thedepthsoffandomminds​​ @kbrand0​​ @soaringeag1e​​ @supernaturalismalife​​ @iwantthedean​​ @jojomonsterbunni​​ @little-red-83​​ @growleytria​​ @ashleymalfoy​​ @jerkbitchidjitassbutt​​ @halespecterwinchester​​ @driverpicksthemuusic​​ @isometimeswritesomethings​​ @whyisleepacesoamazing​​ @mist-and-echoes​​ @sassysupernaturalsweetheart​​ @kaylas-obsessions​​ @aerisawriting​​ @letsgetoutalive���​ @divinitycas @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid​ @jodyri​​ @soab1967​​ @busybee612​​ @appleschloss​​ @kazchester-fanfiction​​ @oriona75​​ @screeching-pterodactyl-fangirl​​ @deandoesthingstome​​ @littlegreenplasticsoldier​​ @sammy-moo​​ @for-the-love-of-dean​​ @mrswhozeewhatsis​​ @kittenofdoomage​​ @sandlee44​​ @apeshit7x​​ @purgatoan​​ @fast-times-in-the-impala​​ @wereallbrokenangels​​ @wonderless-screwup​​ @dontsassmecastiel​​ @cherrie-liquor​​ @deascheck​​ @mrssamfuckingwinchester​​ @winchesterprincessbride​​ @tjforston​​ @babi-correia​​ @helixiaray​​ @writingthingsisdifficult​​ @mysaintsasinner​​ @mogaruke​​ @wheresthekillswitch​​ @skybinx-blog​​ @bohowitch​ @hexparker​ @jensen-jarpad​ @ellen-reincarnated1967​ @masksandtruths @getyourrocksalt

[grapefruitguan-blog]

Spiderman (BJY)

“Did you guys see that Spiderman saved that little boy from drowning?” a girl squealed.

“Okay, but what about the time he caught those robbers from stealing from a bank?”

It was your usual Thursday night shift, and business was always slow. As a university student, you were desperate for cash, which led to you becoming a waitress at Johnny’s, a 50s themed diner right across from your campus. You sighed, wiping the counters.

“Baejin, what’s so cool about this Spiderman guy anyways?”

“Hm, I don’t know,” the boy replied, shoving more fries into his mouth, “maybe they think he’s cute?”

“How can you think someone’s cute if you’ve never seen their face?”

Bae Jinyoung, Baejin for short, was a boy in your math class, and every Thursday he’d hang out with you during your shift so you wouldn’t be as miserable. Sometimes, the two of you would do homework together, and you’d sneak him some food from the kitchen to eat. He was fairly handsome with an extremely small face, dark brown eyes, and platinum silver hair, attracting several female customers into Johnny’s. Because of this, the manager didn’t mind Baejin coming in, and even encouraged it. You secretly had a small crush on him, but you were always too much of a chicken to ever confess.

“Spiderman” was the mysterious figure that was currently the talk of the town. Appearing last month for the first time, the public dubbed him the name “Spiderman” after the boy was seen shooting webs and jumping from wall to wall. There wasn’t much that people knew, but whenever they covered him on the news, he wore blue jeans and a red morphe suit, covering his face with a mask. He would do good things for the city at night, and always disappeared whenever the news tried to interview him.

To be frank, you didn’t get the big deal.

“He’s just some guy who likes to help the city.”

“I bet he is.”

Baejin stayed with you for another hour until he said he had to go home, and the female customers soon left as well. A few hours later, the head chef notified you that it was your turn to clean the kitchen. Nodding, you waved as the door shut behind him and started closing the restaurant for the night.

Humming to your favorite song, you began to sweep the floors and clean the tables. Your paycheck was soon coming in, and you were finally planning to ask Baejin to go to the movies together.

The smell of smoke caught you mid-song.

The chef had forgotten to turn off the stove, leaving the whole room ablaze. You rushed inside with the vain attempt of trying to throw water onto the fire, but ended up making it worse. It was soon becoming difficult to breath, as you wheezed trying to find your way out. The cabinets had fallen over, barricading all of the exits. Desperately, you ran to the telephone, choking out a plea.

“911, what’s the emergency?”

“I’m trapped inside of Johnny’s. I can’t breathe, it’s on fire.”

“Ma’am, stay on the line, we’ll get some help to you right away.”

Kneeling in a corner, you tried to not inhale too much carbon monoxide. You were feeling dizzy, almost losing hope that somebody would come and save you.

Was this really the end? You had so much that you still planned to do in life, and you never had the chance to tell Baejin how you felt.

You heard a loud crash as someone busted into the room. You hoped that it would be the firemen, and it took you by surprise when a boy your age was standing next to you.

“Oh my god.”

“Spiderman” didn’t say a word. He quickly lifted you up, shooting a string of webs in front of him to form a rope, and swung the two of you outside of the building. He then created more string, swinging from building to building until he finally reached the hospital.

As he sprinted with you in his arms, the nurses instantly swarmed him.

“Spiderman, you’re back! Who’s the girl?”

“Carbon monoxide poisoning, burning building. Check on her.”

With that, he gave you to the nurses before sprinting off, leaving before you could thank him. You could have sworn that you’ve heard his voice before but couldn’t remember where.

If only it was Baejin.

Bae Jinyoung was screwed. Not only did he have a thesis paper due tomorrow morning, but he saved his crush from a burning building. She wasn’t supposed to know that he was Spiderman, and he intended for it to stay that way.

He only got this weird spider bite two months ago, before discovering all the cool things he could now thanks to it. But, he never thought he’d be using it to save you.

Goddamnit.

The next morning, the hospital cleared you, saying that you were free to go  and that you were extremely lucky that Spiderman had saved you before it was too late. Word had spread that you were saved in a burning building by Spiderman, and all of your friends surrounded you, dying to know what happened.

“Spiderman saved you, (Y/N)? Man, you’re so lucky!”

“Oh my gosh, did he take of his mask? Did you see him?”

“Was he hot?”

Among all of the questions and your classmates’ prying questions, Baejin gave you a small smile.

“(Y/N), I’m glad you’re alright.”

The two of you had been working on your math homework for about an hour now, and you were rambling on about the boy who saved you last night. If only you knew that it was actually him who saved you.

“Baejin, who do you think Spiderman is?” you gushed.

“No clue.”

“He’s super strong! He was able to pick me up and everything-”

“Oh, really?”

“I wish I could just see him again so I could actually say thanks, you know? I think I’m starting to grow a crush on him,” you laughed.

He mentally cursed as he swung from telephone poles, finally arriving to his friend Daehwi’s house. Daehwi was the only one who knew his real identity, and left his window open every night so he could help Baejin with any injuries.

“Dude, you have to tell her that you like her!” Baejin’s friend, Daehwi insisted.

“Daehwi, I can’t. She doesn’t even me, she likes Spiderman.”

“And you ARE Spiderman, idiot! Just hurry up and confess. I’m sick of you always blubbering about how nice she looks when she works!”

“I still can’t do it,” he groaned, flopping on Daehwi’s bed, “What if she says no?”

“How will you know she’ll say no until you try?”

You were still up at midnight doing your homework, mentally lecturing yourself for procrastinating. As you scribbled down more answers to your worksheet, you heard a knock on your window. Swiveling around, you walked over to the silhouette of a person standing behind it.

“Who’s there?”

The person tilted their head, and you instantly recognize the red morphe suit and the mask. You quickly let them in and shut the window once again.

“Hey Spiderman.”

The boy didn’t answer, waving awkwardly.

“Do you want to sit somewhere?”

The two of you sat awkwardly on your bed, Spiderman seemingly more nervous than you. You had to wonder if this was the same person who saved your life two days ago.

“So, um,” you started, “I want to say thanks for saving me back there. Honestly, I probably would’ve died if it weren’t for you.”

“I mean, I used to not know what the big deal about you was, and I’d always complain about it to my friends. But, after what you did back there, I can definitely see it now.”

Spiderman shifted uncomfortably on your bed and started to peel off his mask.

“Can you still see it?”

It was Baejin, red from embarrassment as he looked down.

“Baejin? It was you?”

“Y-yeah, I know you probably wish it wasn’t,” he said, turning red, “that day,  I saw the fire at Johnny’s, and I freaked out because I knew you were working still. And I’m not like the cool guy that everyone thinks I am, but I’m just Baejin.”

He got up ready to climb out your window.

“J-just don’t tell anyone at school, and I’ll just pretend that this never happened.”

Without looking back, he went to jump off your window, but you grabbed his arm.

“Wait. Why wouldn’t I want you to be Spiderman?”

“Because you don’t like me.”

“Baejin, you idiot, I’ve liked you for a while now.”

It was his turn to be surprised.

“Wait, what?”

“I was actually going to ask if you wanted to go watch a movie this weekend,” you said, nervously twiddling with your thumbs, “if you don’t want to, it’s fine! I-”

“N-no, that isn’t the case! I just have to go because Daehwi needs to patch up my back.”

“How’s next weekend? I’ll buy the tickets,” he asks.

“That’s good with me.”

“Okay, I’ll see you then,” he said, putting his mask on, “I’ll see you.”

“Bye.”

You shut your window closed, watching him swing back and forth from buildings before disappearing in sight. After giddily planning what you’d wear next week, you fell asleep.

Baejin was still on his way back to Daehwi’s house. Smiling like an idiot, he hollered as he did a backflip from the telephone poles, feeling as if nothing could stop him now.

“I’m on top of the world!”

He’s not Superman, but for you he’d be superhuman.

------------------

ALTERNATE ENDING (For my angst readers?):

Baejin never made it to Daehwi’s house. As he was traveling back, he was knocked out from below, and pulled into a dark alleyway.

“So, this is Spiderman?” a dark voice chuckled, “Pathetic.”

“Come on, bug boy, show us what you’ve got.”

[margri3t]

No homo but i want all the homo

So this idea is brought to you by a bunch of people on the Ereri discord posting fanart and saying Eren and Levi were just being good ‘bros’

If you were to ask me how I met my boyfriend the answer would be simple: we met in high school and became good friends. If you were to ask me how we actually became boyfriends however, I would tell you a complicated story consisting of many awkward stares, silences, and even boners…

~~~

“So you’re serious about sleeping on the couch?” Eren, my best friend at the time, asked.

“Why wouldn’t I be? I’ve got nowhere else.” The couch seemed like the most obvious answer to my problem. I’m sure it isn’t that uncomfortable?

“Bro, last time I napped on that couch you had to give me a back massage afterwards because of how lumpy it was.” Now I thought about it, I did remember something along the lines of that happening.

“That’s true but it’s literally the only other place I can sleep in the flat that isn’t my bed.” I didn’t see what other options I had.

“No homo, but I do have a double bed…it’s a lot better for your back than that piece of crap.” Eren gestured to the couch I was sitting on.

“So you’re suggesting I sleep with you?” Not that I was opposed to the idea, but I was opposed to the fact that Eren and I were currently stuck in the ‘brozone’. A type of friendship where one, or possibly both, of the friends has gay feelings for the other but is concerned they may ruin the friendship and therefore starts almost every sentence with ‘bro’ or ‘no homo’. This is also a method of protecting masculinity.

“Yes, we’ll stay on our own sides of course.” What if I didn’t want to? What if I wanted to get as close to you as possible and be held in your arms, tucked up safe and surrounded in your scent? Okay Levi that got a bit too specific. Tone it down a notch.

“Sure…bro.” I had just doomed myself to a restless night in hell…or heaven…it might be both.

One hour later and I was watching Eren sleep. Wait…rewind. That sounded creepy as fuck. What I meant is that I was laying in bed unable to sleep whilst Eren was already deep in dreamland. I had tried to sleep but I was just too worked up. How would you feel if you were platonically sharing a bed with your crush? I was transfixed on watching the way his chest lifted up and down, taking in and expelling breaths through the slight opening of his mouth. When exactly did you fall this far Levi? Fuck if I knew. The only thing I knew is that I didn’t want ‘no homo’ anymore I wanted all the homo goddamnit.

The other thing keeping me from sleeping is the worry that I would move in my sleep and Eren would wake up to me clutching him like a teddy bear. Who knew what that would cause. I knew that if Eren turned on the light now I would be bright red due to all the thoughts running through my head. Would Eren ever feel the same way as I felt right now? Was I getting my hopes up for nothing or did he also just want to get out of this fucking bromance already? After about another hour of nerve wracking thoughts, I felt my eyes slip closed and sleep take over my senses.

I was lucky I woke up before Eren…

When I woke up it was 5am and I was definitely not on my “side” of the bed. I could tell due to the fact I was undoubtedly staring at Eren’s chest about 2 centimetres in front of my face. Immediately I recoiled and almost fell off the bed. Saving my ass from injury on the cold linoleum floor by about 5mm.

My mind was reeling, if Eren had actually woken before me it would have been so fucking awkward. He would have stared at me with those amazing emerald green orbs and told me to get the fuck off him and out of the house along with his life. If I was lucky my parents wouldn’t disown me but that was unlikely.

I fell off the bed….

I woke up…

While my awake self was aware that Eren was a person, my asleep self was convinced that he was actually a teddy bear. Because when I opened my eyes, guess who was staring back at me?

“Are you cold Levi?” Eren asked immediately getting out of bed to grab blankets out of the cupboard. It was 4am. The silence in the room felt thick with sexual tension.

I ran to the bathroom and stayed there for a good ten minutes.

When I finally mustered up the courage to show my face again Eren was back in bed with more blankets and basically asleep. I spent the next 4 hours keeping myself awake in fear of the past repeating itself.

~~~

Three days later and my bed was fixed. I vowed to never mention the last few nights again…

Seeing as it was Saturday and Eren and I had a day off Eren decided it would be fun to have a movie night. I saw no way this could go wrong, maybe some awkward blanket sharing but for the rest it should all be fine.

Or that’s what I told myself because it wasn’t all fine.

Halfway through Mulan, aka the best movie ever, I apparently dropped some popcorn down my trousers.

“Hey, Bro, you…dropped some popcorn there..lemme get it for you.” Eren has no shame.

My mind blanked and before I knew it Eren had his hand down my trousers and was trying to find a piece of popcorn. Now I pride myself in my self control, but when someone you find attractive literally has a hand down your pants there’s going to be a boner. No sooner did Eren finally find the piece of popcorn than I ran to my room spouting the excuse that I had to get changed.

The rest of the night was spent in a heavy silence watching disney films and sharing a blanket…

The next day I had new resolve. Today I was going to ask Eren Jaeger out and not be a fucking wimp about it. The whole day was spent pacing and running countless scenarios through my head. Maybe he would decline? Chuck me out? Never talk to me again? None of the scenarios were good but that did not deter me.

I sat next to Eren on our lumpy ass couch and watched him as intently as he was watching the tv.

“You seem nervous Levi, what’s up?” Eren always knew how to see right through me.

“I’m er..going on a date.” Fuck. You haven’t even asked him yet Levi, back it up.

“So what’s there to be nervous about. You have gone out with people before right?” Oh god.

“No?” Why did I say it like a fucking question Jesus Levi man the fuck up.

“Kissed someone?”

“No…” The thought of Eren’s lips on mine made me turn bright red.

“Well that’s no good, I can’t have my bro going on a date unprepared.” I did not like the direction this was going… “Look I’ll show you how.”

Fuck.

All of a sudden our lips interlocked and I was melting into Eren’s touch. If this was what heaven felt like, sign me the fuck up. Because I was fucking free falling off the tallest building in the world and was about to hit the ground.

Eventually Eren pulled back and I felt a tingle on my lips where his used to be. My pupils were almost definitely dilated and I was panting heavily. Eren on the other hand seemed mostly unaffected his breathing only slightly heavier than before. The thought that Eren had kissed someone before made my heart twinge uncomfortably.

“You’re not bad.” Eren said after a while.

“Thanks?” I was still slightly dazed.

“So when are you leaving?” Oh man this was it. Rest in peace Levi Ackerman.

“Well actually I still need to ask them out.” I let a shy smile trace my lips.

“You’d better do that then…”

I quickly grabbed my phone and pulled up Eren’s contact details. Asking him out by text would be a lot less awkward. After a long internal struggle I pressed send…

Levi to Eren

6:34 pm

I want to be more than just friends, go out with me?

It was cringey but it was the best I could do. When I heard Eren’s phone buzz I didn’t dare to look up. The next ten seconds felt like ten hours but eventually I felt a soft hand touch my shoulder.

“Levi-”

“I know what you’re gonna say Eren. ‘You’re my best bro’ ‘ I don’t feel that way towards you’. I’m…if you’re going to decline me..please…don’t do it harshly.” Tears were threatening to escape my eyes and I stared down at my lap clutching onto the fabric of my jumper like a lifeline.

Instead of removing his hand, Eren brought it down to my chin and carefully lifted my head up so I was looking him in the eyes. He was smiling. Why would he be smiling?

“I was going to say that I’d love to. Levi.” As Eren said those words a mix between a sob and a laugh escaped my mouth. I was setting myself up for the worst like the negative person I am. But Eren was always there to be positive for me.

[be-more-boyf-riends]

Maybe a uh Kleinsen one-shot where Jared is scared of thunderstorms (but doesn't like to admit it because he's the insanely-cool Jared Kleinman) So he calls Evan to come down to 'hang out' which means 'comfort me asshole thunder is scary' thing.

(Thank you so much for the amazing suggestion! I had a lot of fun writing this one, I love my precious baby~)

(Word Count : 1344)

Jared glared out the window, letting out a small squeak or a squeal whenever another bash of lightning and thunder echoed through the area. With his fingers in his mouth and biting down on his nails, he found himself glancing between the phone and the window - was it really worth it? Was he actually going to call his friend - well...Jared had to accept it, CRUSH, and beg him to come over because he had a stupid little fear?One last lightning strike was all it took to show him that, yeah, that was exactly what he was going to do. Shaky fingers dialed his best friends number and he held the phone up to his ear, drumming his fingers on the desk and pacing. "H...Hello...?" Evans groggy voice answered, obviously having just woken up (that was to be expected, considering the fact it was roughly 2 AM). Jareds heart melted at the sound, despite the protests from his brain. "Jared...? Why are you calling...? It's 2 AM...""Good morning to you too." Jared said sarcastically, pushing aside the guilt he felt for calling his friend so late at night. "I need you to come over. Now."A few seconds of silence passed before Evans puzzled voice responded. "W..What...? Why..? It's pouring out...""Would you just get here?!" Jared snapped, much meaner than he meant to. He winced, remembering how cruel tones like that could be towards Evans anxiety. "L..Listen, I'm sorry. I'll...I'll explain it when you get here, okay? I just need to be with someone."By all means, Jared expected Evan to hang up. He expected him to snap to find someone else, that he needed his sleep. That Jared always told him that he meant nothing to him anyways, so why was Jared calling HIM? Instead, however, all Jared received was a gentle "I'll be over there in ten." And the ringing from the other end, meaning the opposite party had hung up. Jared found himself relaxing slightly in his chair. ---Evan lied about being there in ten minutes - in actuality, he was there in eight. The loud knocking on the door roused Jared from his hiding space as he rushed over to answer it. He threw open the door, eyes widening at the sight. Evan stood there, drenched from head to toe in water from running in the rain, with puddles forming underneath him despite the fact Jareds porch had a cover and had been previously untouched by the water. Part of the boy felt overwhelming guilt for his soaking crush, but part of him that wanted to keep up his cool-aesthetic simply snorted at the sight. "Take a dip in the pool before you got here?" He jabbed, elbowing the other as he stepped aside and allowed him in. Evan stuttered in response, his eyes showing his clear annoyance. "I came here for you!" He pitched, sighing deeply and rubbing his eyes. "Whatever. Listen, I didn't run here in the middle of a massive thunderstorm for nothing, did I? What do you need?"Jared immediately dried up at the question, staring at his legs instead - quite frankly, anywhere but into Evans eyes. "I...I just wanted someone." He muttered grumpily, crossing his arms and looking away. "Hold on - I'll get you a towel." He would take any excuse to not have to look Evan in the eyes right now. He also, sadly, couldn't deny the fact that seeing the teen in front of him soaking wet and miserable made him feel not-so-great on the inside. He turned on his heel to walk away, but immediately stumbled when a hand hooked into his elbow. "Hey! Wait." Evan said, voice even and soft. This was uncharacteristic - he was usually either stuttering, or getting obviously annoyed (although the second option was something specially reserved just for Jared). Jareds heart skipped a beat at how warm Evans hand was - somehow, not wet like the rest of him.  "I know you. It's not like you to just...'need someone'. You're the biggest lone wolf I've ever met. Really, why am I here?"Jared stared into his eyes, looking down at Evans hand holding him back and then back up again. 'Fuck', his brain snapped. 'Do you really want the only person who has ANY respect for you to completely lose it?'"I..." he stuttered out before narrowing his eyes, determined to do his best not to let it show how weak he was currently being. He hated insulting Evan, but it seemed to be his only option. "I...I just wanted to see if you would actually do it! How desperate are you, Hansen? Coming over to my house just because I ask you t-"A loud clap of thunder rumbled through the house, along with the scream of a teenage boy.'Wow, that didn't last long, did it?' His mind snarled. 'Shut it', he promptly responded. "J...Jared...?" Evans gentle whispers pierced through the whimpering that was echoing through the small teens body, slowly peeling open his eyes to look at the other. Evan was kneeled down and looking at him, eyebrows furrowed in confusion as well as something else...a dash of worry?"Are you alright...?" It was then that Jared noticed where he actually /was/. He was kneeling on the ground, arms wrapped tightly around himself and whimpering persistently. "Jared…,"'Fuck, fuck, fuck, don't say it, PLEASE don't say it-'"Are you afraid of thunder storms?"'FUCK!'"No!" Jared cried indigently, hopping up from where he was. He strode into the kitchen, refusing to look his friend in the eye. "what type of stupid question is that?! Obviously I'm not afraid of thunderstorms!! It simply startled me, that's all! Please, me? Jared Kleinmen, afraid of thunderstorms?!"Another flash of bright light and a deep boom echoed through the house, this time right next to each other. The boy froze again, whimpering against his will. He felt arms take his shoulders, Evan spinning him around so he was facing the anxious teen. He expected to come face-to-face with eyes of heavy judgment and anger - but, surprisingly, he was given no such thing. Instead, Hansens’ eyes were full of.. worry. Concern. Two things Jared wasn't used to seeing. "You're afraid of the thunder," Evan said gently, watching the way Jared winced at the up-front nature about it. "And there's nothing wrong with that." He continued, placing his hands slightly tighter on the others inner elbows and smiling. "Come on. Let's watch a movie or something, okay? And I'll make you some milk chocolate, if you want."The smaller of the twos eyes exploded with a blush and he grumbled, pulling himself away from his crush and glaring down at the ground. "You don't need to baby me." He spat, praying that the deep red in his cheeks would go away. "It's just a stupid fear. It means nothing.""I'll take that as a yes." Evan spoke softly and slipped past the other, making his way into the kitchen and rooting around for the mugs and hot chocolate mix he knew the other had hidden slightly. "Goddamnit..." Jared found himself muttering. "Why does he have to be so amazing?" With that thought, he went into the kitchen, helping the other find the things he was looking for. Evan ended up choosing the movie - he chose some stupid Disney classic. Jared didn't really get it - however, admittedly, he was watching Evan and his face more than the movie anyways. He was happy when Hansen got happy, so it was enough. They had a blanket sprawled in between them and they hugged it close, Evan insisting on holding his friends hand underneath them. "Whenever you get scared," he explained with excited eyes. "Just squeeze my hand!!"Jared grumbled, but took full advantage of the offer whenever thunder boomed nonetheless. Jared was still - and probably always would be - terrified of thunder storms. However, it's definitely worth saying that that fear was MUCH easier to deal with when Evan was right there beside him.

[bothhappy--andsad]

Rules: Once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. At the end, choose 25 people to tag!

I was tagged by the lovely @cuddlingsun who can finally tag people now!

THE LAST…  1. Drink: morocco mint tea

2. Phone call: to my dad

3. Text message: “or what do you want to buy” to bus

4. Song you listened to: currently listening to Something That We’re Not by Demi Lovato

5. Time you cried: idk...

HAVE YOU EVER…  6. Dated someone twice: HHAHAHAHAHAHAH no

7. Been cheated on: well... I’m not sure about that one honestly, if ti happened like in the week before we broke up or immediately after but frankly, I don’t care

8. Kissed someone and regretted it: I mean I think I regretted that whole relationship but then I remember that I shouldn’t but I do though

9. Lost someone special: yes :(

10. Been depressed: yep

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: oh my, yes

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS: 12. deep, dark red

13. purple

14. soft pink

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…  15. Made new friends: yes!!!!

16. Fallen out of love: no

17. Laughed until you cried: probably yeah

18. Found out someone was talking about you: no(?)

19. Met someone who changed you: it was more the situation that allowed me to change myself

20. Found out who your true friends are: no, happened earlier already

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: hA nope

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: I mean all of them?? (427) some more vague than others but why would I add people I don’t know

23. Do you have any pets: YES I HAVE A CAT AND HIS NAME IS BORIS AND I LOVE HIM AND I’M CURRENTLY MISSING HIM LIKE CRAZY

24. Do you want to change your name: no

25. What did you do for your last birthday: nothing, actually

26. What time did you wake up: 8.30 am, super early ew

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: watching a movie

28. Name something you cannot wait for: living on my own!!

29. When was the last time you saw your mother: monday, so 3 days ago

30. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: the only thing that comes to mind right now is that I wish I could be a bit more alethic but I’m too lazy to start working out

31. What are you listening to right now: I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me by Demi Lovato

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yes, at least to two

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: so many people omg

34. Most visited website: probably tumblr lol

35. Elementary: In the last year have I.... elementary ???? what is this question

36. High School: same for this one... like???

37. College/university: I guess this is about what I’m doing and than it’s uni 38. Hair colour: brown

39. Long or short hair: short/middle length

40. Do you have a crush on someone: no

41. What do you like about yourself: my eyes, the fact that I’m not afraid to be myself, even around new people

42. Piercings: none

43. Blood type: I have no idea

44. Nickname: mas, mush, mushmush (I decided to just accept the latter two instead of fighting them)

45. Relationship status: single

46. Zodiac sign: pisces

47. Pronouns: she/her

48. Favourite TV show: idk about favourite but Sense8 and How To Get Away With Murder I think??

49. Tattoos: none (yet) 50. Right or left hand: right

FIRST…  51. Surgery: does me being born from a c-section count?? otherwise idk when my first surgery was... the only one I can remember is removing a mole when I was 12(?)

52. Piercing: I have none

54. Sport: I did dancing for a few years

55. Vacation: Portugal when I was 3 or four. maybe I went somewhere earlier just in The Netherlands, but idk about that

56. Pair of trainers: no clue

57. Eating: ???

58. Drinking: IDK

59. I’m about to: be even more unproductive and probably either gonna watch some netflix or play league

60. Listening to: Up by Olly Murs and Demi Lovato (I’m listening to Demi’s album ok)

61. Waiting for: Liam to release hiS FUCKING NEW SINGLE ALREADY LIKE GODDAMNIT

62. Want: to have my own place where I can take my cat with me

63. Get married: we’ll see about what the future holds

64. Career: psychologist is the dream

YOUR TYPE…  65. Hugs or kisses: hugs but also kisses on the forehead and stuff I think

66. Lips or eyes: eyes but also lips so like both

67. Shorter or taller: taller because I’m already so small

68. Older or younger: older

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: idc, but I guess arms?

71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive

72. Hook up or relationship: relationship

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: rather a bit of both; troublemaker but hesitant in the right situations y’know

HAVE YOU EVER…  74. Kissed a stranger?: no

75. Drank hard liquor?: yea

76. Lost glasses contact/lenses: nope

77. Turned someone down: yes

78. Sex on first date: nO

79. Broken someone’s heart: maybe?? although I couldn’t imagine me breaking someone’s heart

80. Had your heart broken: by books? yes. by relationships? no.

81. Been arrested: no

82. Cried when someone died: yes

83. Fallen for a friend: no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…  84. Yourself: yes

85. Miracles: I think so, yes

86. Love at first sight: Not love, maybe attraction which can be mistaken for love

87. Santa Claus: ....no

88. Kiss on the first date: well it would depend on the person and how I’m already feeling towards them

89. Angels: yes!

OTHER… 90. Current best friend’s name: I HAVE MORE BEST FRIENDS OKAY AND THEY’RE NAMES ARE HANKA, JOSKA, KIKI, AND BUSRA (in no particular order, placing the names like this just sounds nice in my head)

91. Eye colour: brown (lmao I love how eye colour is under “other” but hair colour isn’t)

92. Favourite movie: Pitch Perfect, my forever go to movie

I’m tagging @laurantofvere @johnlock-for-ever @if-we-could-only-turn-back-timee @ledzeppelinmoms @cookiesandcaffeine (I mean not like I’ve ever seen you guys do these things but whatever)