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aquarianlights · 4 years

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I am in a serious financial bind. 😥 If anyone is in a position to listen & help or signal boost, pls keep reading...

This is from my apartment complex. I am in low-income housing. I called them & sent them proof I could pay on the 23rd. I told them I could (just barely) put 100 down now & they said that was too little.

They said they would file for eviction on the 16th, which adds $150 to my rent. They will cancel the court date and eviction on the 23rd when I pay.

But that doesn't cancel the $150 filing fee.

Idk where that $150 would come from. Idky they think it's fair that someone who cannot pay should be forced to pay even more??? That makes no sense. I can only just barely afford my rent every month as is.

These are from my energy company. I apparently owe them over $600. I genuinely do not know how this happened. We were on the phone for a very long time trying to figure it out & I was in tears for the latter portion of it because I swear I paid.

I usually keep record of my payments via taking a picture of my receipt since they are electronic, but my dog chewed up my phone (which I have pics of if need be for evidence) and broke it, so I had to get a replacement phone sent to me from the insurance company & nothing transferred from the old phone, so all my pics were wiped.

I found no record in my emails, either.

The meds I am taking to try to go into remission and the autoimmune disease itself both cause brain fog and issues with time warping, so it is possible maybe I skipped a month or something, but I highly doubt I would have skipped up to 600+ dollars worth of payments.

I have tons of electronic and hard copy calendars & they are all synced and constantly updated so that I know when payments are due. I also have text and email reminders sent to me, but I could find no reminders in my email for MONTHS now until they were telling me they were going to shut my power off if I didn't pay this. Idk why I was not sent reminders for months???

In the end, I agreed to set up a payment plan. Paying, like... 50-60ish on top of whatever my electric bill is every month for 12 months. It was the lowest they could go.

I can barely afford my electric bill as it is, so idk how I will be able to do this? They did give me a list of charities in my area so I will be using what little energy I have to call around & see if any of them would be willing to help me pay this. Idk how those work (they're mostly churches???), so I'm just gonna try & see what happens. 🤔

On top of all that, I *think* this is telling me my Medicaid has been cancelled but I'm not 100% sure?????

I'm going through treatment for a very serious, disabling problem that should last ~1 year and rn Medicaid is picking up what my Medicare doesn't cover and some of my doctors/specialists and treatments are medicaid only.

If I lose this, I'm basically done.

I know they'll do backpay if I get it back, but Idk if I *will* get it back. I'll be trying to get it back, but in the meantime, I guess I'll just have to pay out of pocket, idk??? Which I do not have.

I have lost almost ALL autonomy due to this autoimmune disease, which (in a very simplified form) is basically my immune cells "eating" my muscle tissue. I can barely get out of bed. Treatment should put me in remission & give me my life back. I am seeing a rheumatologist, neurologist, dermatologist, PCP, physical therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, and going to a holistic pain treatment center that does a different kind of physical therapy to bring down pain levels (which I was put into that program by my rheum). All of these are in relation to & necessary for my disease. I am going through TONS of testing almost weekly now & trying out treatments like IVIG and chemo where I am in the hospital hooked up to an IV for 4-6+ hrs of that day and the cost of those things without Medicaid picking up what Medicare doesn't cover is astronomical. I have to sign waivers every time I get my blood drawn (which is almost weekly now), do tests, and do treatments saying I will pay if Medicaid does not pick up the extra.

I already have crippling medical debt; I don't need more. I'm scared they won't let me do any more tests or treatments if they see I am just letting it all go to collections & am not paying.

This could mean the difference between having a life worth living (to me) where I am happy & thriving & autonomous or being bed-bound & living a life of just existing from day to day & miserable & in pain & suffering & unable to do anything for myself. This is literally life and death for me because I wouldn't be able to handle continuing to live in the latter scenario. I cannot handle living like I am now. Knowing my treatments are progressing is what keeps me going. Knowing I can go into remission is what keeps me going. Knowing my future is one completely different from now is what keeps me going. But if I cannot have that and am destined to live in this current state, it's just not worth it. I don't know a person alive who would want to live like this.

Finally, my anger noodle needs to get to the vet for MULTIPLE things. Nothing is, like... life threatening or super immediate like his cancer was last year, but they're things that need to be addressed in terms of preventative care & to make sure he isn't in pain.

He needs his trachea checked, possibly x-rays for that, maybe more...

He needs some medication updates, needs a physical, needs a full groom & nail clip under anesthesia (for those who are not familiar with Echo, he has extreme fear-based aggression & usually gets this done under anesthesia; since I worked with him so much, he had his first non-anesthesia nail clip at the beginning of quarantine, but he has gotten worse during quarantine & with my muscle eating disease, I can no longer restrain him & don't have the physical strength to run a brush through his thicker fur as his winter coat is in, so I can no longer groom certain areas of him at home, so his tummy & back legs are matted & I fear he may need to be shaved... which breaks my heart since you don't shave double coat dogs unless medically necessary.), he needs a full physical, & needs to be checked over for MCT's.

He may also need a fecal test or something else, as he has been having odd bowel movements. 😥 His tummy has been upset lately.

I have been crying myself to sleep every single night & often during the day because I cannot get him to the vet. No, it isn't urgent or life threatening. But he is reverse sneezing more than normal & I worry about tracheal collapse, which is a common small dog thing & even MORE common in pomeranians specifically. Every time he has a fit, I think "Oh god, this is it. This is the time I'm gonna have to rush him to the e-vet & get slammed with a huge bill & he is not gonna be okay..."

It breaks my heart to see his legs & belly matted. He is horrible about letting me groom him coz of his aggression so he only gets a full grooms at the vet, but I do short grooming sessions at home with him nightly. Takes about 2 hours just to do the majority of one side of him (not even all of it; just most) coz he needs breaks & lots of praise every few strokes or he will tear me to shreds & hurt himself snapping on the undercoat rake. 😥

But now that my autoimmune disease has atrophied my muscles to the point holding up my phone without something to prop it up feels like I am lifting weights & tires my arms out with a lactic acid burn & pain, I can no longer groom him with the patience he needs & can only groom in 20 minute intervals at the VERY longest. By the time I have gotten one leg done during the week, his entire other side is matted. 😞 Matting on dogs---especially double coat dogs---hurts them. It's like if someone were to wrap your hair around their fingers & then pull it taut. It's a constant pulling pressure on their skin... it's painful & irritates the epidermis. I feel miserable feeling the matting on his back legs & tummy & now feeling the mats beginning to form on the rest of him. He hates me working them out, even with the detangling spray. I know it must hurt so much...

So he may need to be shaved at this point & that will destroy me. I feel sick thinking about it. But anything to get him out of pain. Maybe it is what's best for him while I go through this year of treatment & get my muscles back. But in order to do that, I need to get him to the vet.

The stress of not being able to get him to a vet is tearing me apart & literally making me physically ill.

He is my world. My everything. My #1. My heart dog. My priority in life. My entire universe revolves around him. I would do anything for him. Not a single person, animal, thing, etc, comes before him. It is KILLING me that I cannot provide proper care for him right now. I always always always make sure to sacrifice for him if need be & his things ALWAYS come first, even if it means I'm not eating or not paying bills or whatever. As long as he is taken care of & his needs & wants are met, nothing else matters to me. And right now........ I feel he is suffering because of my finances & the fact my treatment with building my muscles up is not going fast enough.

I cannot control the latter one, but the first one is something I can at least ask for help for. So that is what I am doing.

If anyone is in a place to help, these are my venmo & cashapp codes. I also have paypal.

💙 Venmo: @kqroswell

💚 Cashapp: $kqroswell

💜 Paypal: @kqroswell or [email protected]

If there is another form of payment you're thinking of, lemme know. I also have fb pay activated if you have me on FB (Killian Q Roswell).

Thank you to everyone who read through this & anyone who can help or reblog this. 💖

Sincerely,

Your v scared, struggling transman who really wants his bills/rent paid & his dog to go to the vet,

Killian 💞

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kpop-pick-me-up · 6 years

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So, can I say something real quick about Kpop idols?

This has been a thought on my mind basically since I joined the Kpop community, and I know some people might react weird or not understand what I'm trying to say but that doesn't matter to me. Putting this out there does.

*ahem* NO KPOP IDOL IVE SEEN PEOPLE CALL CHUBBY IS ACTUALLY CHUBBY.*ahem*

Like for real. I see posts talking about how Suga's cheeks get chubbier on break, and how Haechan's cheeks have gotten chubbier, or "before" and "after" pictures of idols who have gone on a diet and people saying "I miss when they were chubby" like.... They never were and they aren't. This is just what they'd actually look like if they got a normal amount of sleep, ate like a normal human, and didn't dance for 4-12 hours a day. That's not chubby, that's how they'd naturally look.

Chubby, to me means that a person is slightly overweight, or that they're a healthy weight but naturally softer and can look more fuller. Which is all beautiful. And I'm aware this can be a culture difference because of how idols are expected to be thin and perfect but sometimes when I look at them I just think about how unhealthy some (not all) of them must be physically.

Because on a mini tangent: when someone eats so little amount of food for so long and is they are always in a caloric deficit (so let's say youre recommended amount to maintain your weight is 2000, but you constantly eat 1500, or 1200-1400 calories a day) their metabolism adapts so that it's natural state of burning to maintain IS 1500 or 1200-1400. So they'd HAVE to eat less to lose weight, or fix their metabolism by slowly increasing their food intake so their metabolism can adjust to a normal amount of food again. But to do that their weight would plateau or they'd even gain a little bit. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with an idol gaining weight or doing any of this, except for the fact that they'd be called "fat" by the media. Nobody actually seems to care about an idol's health. And imagine what calling them "chubby" does to them when it's just them eating normally. Why do you THINK idols always go on strict diets before a comeback? Because they know that if they eat normally people would know and call them chubby. And I'm not saying this offends them, but I know that I would feel so pressured and judged subconsciously to eat less and lose the "chubbiness" because the media must see it too if fans do.

And I know some idols don't care or even just say they don't care (but trust me, they probably do), and I know some of you guys don't mean to hurt their feelings and just mean to say it innocently, it still encourages this unhealthy mindset that all idols MUST be borderline unhealthy, and just BARELY a healthy weight or diet amount. This gives their employers a reason to make them do those crazy restricted diets (ice cube diet, or the IU diet for example) and force them to lose weight because they KNOW and SEE what you do as well, and can see when you comment on it.

To put this into a different perspective as well, as someone who's been struggling with an eating disorder, looking at really thin idols like Jimin, Suga, Haechan, etc who all weigh less than me and are taller than me and to see them called "chubby" kicked my mind into comparison mode and said "then I must be HUGE." Or "I won't ever officially be skinny or pretty until I weigh the same as them or less" because that's how a sick mind works. So not only does this infect the idols minds and encourage the bad mindset, but it can infect their fans minds to think that they aren't good enough.

I've never wanted to point fingers at this because I love it so much, but I can't be a fucking liar anymore and hide behind it because I want to get better, and I'm tired of believing that I'm too big, or that I'll always be chubby until I'm 90lbs like all the female Kpop idols. But sometimes the Kpop fandom can trigger my eating disorder. There, I said it. Fight me. Because you call thin idols chubby, and you implant this way of thinking that how they eat is okay, and that weighing 90lbs and eating 1200 calories a day is a lifestyle or that constantly restricting and not focusing on nutrients or what body type I am is how life works because IT ISNT. Some people may be that naturally, but the fact that some idols noticably change a little bit when they eat normally on breaks shows that how they are on stage isn't natural.

And to end this off as a disclaimer again, I know people don't mean to be triggering, and they don't think there's anything wrong in what they're doing (which I understand), but you also have to really take a second to think about what you're saying a little bit. Chubby is a word that is either black or white to people. Either they think it's cute, or they think it's an insult. That all depends on culture and self esteem and blah blah blah. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being chubby, or that it's a bad thing to be because it is definitely NOT and I think everyone is beautiful how they're meant to be. So of you're 90lbs or 140, or 180, or 200+ or anything in between naturally you're all still beautiful and have your own necessary standards to consume to be healthy that will be different from everyone else. However, that is where the issue lies. Because most idols weren't born as thin as they are, they are usually forced and conditioned to be that way. But to help you decide whether it's okay to make these comments, ask yourself this when you're about to call an idol chubby:

1: am I calling them chubby because they're "eating well" (a normal diet) and they've started filling out?

2:Would I like it if someone I loved, respected or whom I cared about their opinion called me "chubby" after finally getting off of a restricted diet and just eating healthy but normal amounts of food?

3: If I was a Kpop media outlet and saw that they gained weight, what would I write? (Really put yourself in their shoes and be honest.)

4: Am I calling them chubby cheeks because they're just puffing them out and being cute? (Then okay, it's fine)

5: when I say this, are they really chubby? Or has my mind been twisted to think they are just like their critics?

And I know that may seem extreme, but that's how it is. You all preach about how self love should be more important in the "toxic" Kpop industry but still subconsciously encourage its toxic behavior. So instead of comments like "omg your cheeks are so chubby now! <3" or "awwww look at his tummy he gained!" Say: "Omg, you look so healthy! ", " You've been looking extra cute recently 😍" and stuff like that. Because it still gets the point across that you like seeing them healthier, but it doesn't use possibly triggering words like chubby or thick because they are neither.

Anyways that's my mini rant. I don't mean to trigger people, or point fingers because I used to do it too. But I think we all need to collectively recognize this as part of the issue, and say, "huh, maybe that could hurt their feelings a little but EVEN IF I DONT MEAN TO, OR ITS NORMAL WHERE IM FROM TO SAY AS A COMPLIMENT"

Because as one of my favorite quotes puts it in words perfectly "You don't get to decide whether you hurt someone or not." So yes, people like me are sensitive, and yes, it may not seem like a big deal to you. But honestly I've sat by and respected all of your guy's opinions and words for a while now, and I think it's now okay for me to say "hey, this kind of bugs me a bit." Without being looked at as weird or annoying.

So in the nicest way possible, say what you want, but I'm not taking this down. I've made myself clear and as understanding as possible. But people like me who have an eating disorder, had one in the past, or are on the road to developing one, or someone who is about to start one of the insane Kpop diets, needs to know that this isn't normal. And they shouldn't compare themselves to the unhealthy kpop standards like it did.

Anyways, thanks for listening to my rant.

~DeepSheep

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justlostinautumn · 5 years

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The Assistant 17/20

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9,Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16

Avengers x Reader (Fury/adopted-daughter) Bucky Barnes x Reader

A girl trying to hide her past who was adopted by Nick Fury, but cared for by Tony Stark and Pepper Potts. Being Tony’s assistant and asked to help the rest of the team. She doesn’t remember much from her past, but maybe working with this group of misfits will help knock a few memories loose and open some doors to the past. – Sorry if this sucks!

A/N: Please send me thoughts on where you want to see this imagine go… or ideas for new stories!

Y/N POV:

Y/N was strapped on a table as they scan her looking for possible chips and tracking devices, but what her parents didn't know was Tony had been working on tracking devices that couldn't be traced or seen without specific equipment. Equipment that only Tony has! She was beginning to wake after she had been knocked out by the tranquilliser, she could feel a dull throbbing in the side where she had been shot. “Rise and shine Sweetheart.” Her fathers face loomed over her and she froze as memories of her being told off and punished by the man who was meant to make her feel safe.

“Sir.” She looked up at him, she knew he preferred being called sir. She was just an asset she wasn’t his child.

“She remembers her manners.” Her mother waltzed into the room smirking.

“She sure did grow up pretty.” Her father commented and her mother nodded in agreement.

“Get up!” Her mother ordered the restraints had been removed and Y/N got up quickly ignoring the protests of her stitches.

“Good girl, but you still need to be punished for that little Houdini stunt you pulled when you were sixteen.” The voice came from the shadows and she watched her brother walk towards her.

Y/N knew she would be put through hell. She knew they’d collect her pretty much straight away and decided to leave that out, this was her plan she wanted to kill her brother herself. This was the only chance she was going to get and she took it, she knew her punishment would be 100x worse but it would be worth it. In one quick movement, she was behind her brother with his head in her hands and with a jerk to the right and a sickening crack she broke her brother's neck and let him fall to the ground.

“That’s better.” She smirked at her parents. The scream her mother made sounded like a wounded animal and her father had a murderous look on his face. She knew she could take them but she was tired, there was still so much she doesn’t remember and she is hoping with their help it will help the last pieces fall into place.

“You little slut!” Her mother screeched in her face and slapped Y/N. Y/N didn’t react she gave her mother a cold look that made her mother shiver and takes a step back.

Armed agents came in and guided her to the cage, some things never change. The cage had an electrical charge that would shock her at random moments disorientating her, they would also minimise the food and water they would give her. This would be phase one of punishment, there would be two more stages. Phase One lasted 4 days not that Y/N knew that she had barely slept. They took her out of the cage and started Phase Two, this was training. She knew she would still win, but she wasn’t running on optimum. Her body was weak and tired, she was going to be slower and take more hits, she knew Phase Two had two parts the first was combat and the second was the dance. She knew when she was done for the day she would be put back in the cage and subjected to the torture again. Her mother loved Ballet and ensured that Y/N could perform flawlessly for hours on end and Y/N knew once the righting stopped the dancing would start. Phase Two lasts the longest of 8 days. Her parents ensured before punishment started to inject her with a serum that accelerates her already accelerated healing abilities thanks to the serums, they do this at the start of each phase and by the last phase, Y/N heals within minutes of the wound being inflicted. The third and final phase is her parents favourite, they inject her with different serums and acids that burn her, but because of her healing, they keep doing it. They cut and stab at her letting her bleed out, she knew there was a chance this time they may just kill her.

Y/N was on her twelfth day of being back home.

“We will be going onto Phase Three tomorrow.” The twisted smile on her fathers face told her everything and she continued her dance knowing better than letting her form drop just because he was talking to her.

“Phase Three will be longer than normal, especially after you killed our son.” Her mother hissed. At that moment Y/N realised, she may be apart of their DNA and their child but she isn’t their daughter and it for some reason hurt. Her father had stopped calling her Sweetheart and the gentleness he normally shows during punishment is gone. Y/N knew for a fact Phase Three would be the end of her life, they couldn’t keep her after she had performed the biggest betrayal… killing their only hire.

“Cage now.” Her father instructed and she walked to her cage and stood by the door knowing what was going to happen. He pulled out a needle and injected the serum by stabbing it into the back of her neck and pushed her in. He mother and father left the room and she was left to sit there and think about everything.

How long have I been here? Are they looking for me? Maybe they don’t want me? Is James okay? Is James safe? As she thought more and more of Bucky she didn’t feel the shocks the cage was delivering. She was panicking thinking about Bucky and then her mind slipped to Wanda, Pepper, Maria, Nick and Tony and how they must all be going insane. How Maria most probably destroyed the dinner she had cooked. Pepper most probably shouted at Tony. Tony most probably paced a hole in the jet and then hauled himself up in his lab with Bruce and Peter sifting through everything she gave him, Y/N hadn’t had the time to organise all the information. Nick was most probably the most rational wrangling everyone together and giving out orders. Wanda would be with Bucky, they would be having quiet conversations in their heads, trying to unlock some of Bucky’s memories. But they would also be working out their aggression. Bucky punching holes in bag after bag and Wanda would most probably be hurling the already destroyed bags into the walls until there is nothing left of them but the mess they made.

A sad smile paints Y/N face as she thinks about some of her family, she didn’t know how the others would be acting. There was a chance their guilt was eating them up slightly. Y/N laid down on the floor of the cage and let the shocks run through her body because anything was easier than thinking about what the ones she loves are going through.

The next day she was dragged out and tied to the table, she knew she wouldn’t be leaving this to go back into the cage. Y/N start to pray that Tony’s tracker actually worked because she didn’t know how long this would last. An IV was set up and she realised how long they planned on doing this, they were going to do this for as long as she could take it until she begged for death. Y/N would die before she begged her parents for any kind of relief. She had all of her memories back now and she swam in them avoiding the reality of what is happening around her. Her views were boring as the injected her with all kind of things that would kill a normal human, they continued this for the whole day and Y/N didn’t make a noise or cry. When they put the IV in she felt her veins being soothed and knew they were giving her more serum and she fell into a dreamless sleep, she knew the next day would be worse but she was tired.

Day fourteen, Y/N had been woken up by something warming in her and she realised it was the tracker she stabbed herself with, it had been activated and relief flooded her but it was short-lived when the stabbing and cutting started to happen. They stopped when it looked like she was about to die or pass out and wait a couple of minutes and then started back up on their torture. How long would it take for the Team to get her? Will I get to see James and Wanda again? Will I get that dinner with Maria and Nick? Will I get another one of Pepper’s hugs that soothe my nerves? Will I get to babysit the oversized man-child Tony Stark? Will I get another one of his hugs? Will I get to stare into those icy orbs that have been the things get me through all this? Before Y/N passes out she hears the wailing of the siren indicating someone has breached the building and everyone gets into action. She feels the cuffs come undone but the damage is done and her parents cannot use their greatest asset to defend them… this was the beginning of their end!

Tags:

@jay-the-mothafuckin-gay, @dark-night-sky-99, @jsmith509, @stormi-ames, @thelostallycat, @animegirlgeeky

#the assistant #the avengers #the avengers x reader #the avengers imagine #avengers x reader #avengers imagine #avengers #marvel imagine #marvel #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes imagine

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jeonjagia · 5 years

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Under the Cover of Darkness- Chapter 4

Luna:

I see them I see them everywhere, my enemies. They have come to hurt me. I try to scramble back but they follow. I have no where to go. they are going to hurt my now. I watch in terror as his hand touches my arm. then the pain comes. unbearable pain. I scream, over and over, but the pain does not stop. I cant go on, not anymore. I fall on my side letting the darkness come over me. Ive given up. im letting in.

Suga:

I flinch when i hear the scream. Luna. whirling around, i peek out of our hiding place to see the entrance to their headwuarters.

"Suga," a voice calls my back to reality.

"what?!" I reply turning. I look at jin eyes he me looks back at me silently. "Jin, they're torturing her!" I yell as I run my hand through my hair. "I know, I know," I reply trying to collect myself. "what do I do Jin?"

"I don't know. We have to get back to HQ,"

"But-"

"Suga,"

"Okay, lets go,"

***

I aid jin as we travel back to HQ with the cover of darkness as our disguise. we are both exhausted from the effort as i bang on the door. Footsteps approach from the other side of the door. It opens, revealing a tired Jimin. I watch as he gulps. I glare at him, knowing he was responsible for Luna.

Pushing past him, i let go of jin as he heads toward the meeting room. I sit down at he table and sigh.

"Wheres Luna?" a voice asks. I look up seeing Jungkook. "shes with andromeda. They- she's- she's being tortured," I strain. Jimin looks up suddenly, eyes wide.

"Suga-," he starts. "Jimin," Jungook says harshly. Jimin quiets, bowing his head back down as he picks his nails.

"How did this happen?" Jungkook asks sitting down at the table. I shake my head. "I don't know," i mutter.

"Jimin," Jungkook prods. Jimin clears his throat before answering.

"We were following the man, when some how we got separated, and by the time I got back to her she was being dragged away by V," he explains as he looks at me.

"Jimin,"

"I know, I know, I fucked up," he stresses. "I'm sorry!" he apologizes.

"We have to do something," RM says from leaning against the wall.

"Yes, and we will," Jungkook says standing up. "We need a plan."

I nod my head as I agree. I watch as they all gather to discuss how to get Luna out of Andromeda's grasp.

Andromeda:

I crouch outside the door listening to my sisters screams. People think that I enjoy listening to it. I do, to some extent. But from my sister- no. I wish I didn’t have to do this, but one does what one needs to survive. I hope I get something out of doing this. We’ve ben at this for a year now, trying to one up each other. They do have more men than I do, but they don’t have my brain. My goal for all of this is simply revenge. Just that. Show Yoongi I’m better than Luna, and to show that I should be in her place.

I would love to see the look on his face, the look of realization when I have killer her.

Jungkook:

I walk through the park, deep in thought. How will we get luna back? I realize that being Suga’s wife has made a bigger affection for her than I realized. Shes grown on us, and has become a very talented fighter. I pick a park bench to sit on and think of a plan to rescue Luna. As I am lost in thought thinking about andromeda, speak of the devil, there she is, walking across the park with someone at her side. What is she doing? And who is she with? I ask myself, getting up from the bench. I follow them, hoping them to lead me to their HQ.

They walk for an hour before heading back, and I follow in their footsteps. Crouching in an alley I realize that this must be the place where Suga and jin were at. There is a patch of dried blood on the concrete. They had a perfect view of the front. Then an earsplitting scream rips through the silence. Luna. I close my eyes dreading to think of what they're doing to her. Moving my leg from under me, I shift against the wall sitting back away from the look out spot. I have to get Luna.

Hours pass and I have come up with nothing, nothing besides just walking in and demanding her. Looking down at the floor once more, I notice debris as well as paper and a broken pencil. Taking these things, I scribble instructions on them for my gang just in case I get taken as well. They’ll be around here if I don’t come back. I take my gun and leave it on top of the note so it doesn’t blow away. That way hopefully they don’t just shoot me. Standing up, I brush the dirt off my jeans and step out of the hole. The guard at the front entrance freezes at the sight of me. I hold up my hands, showing I have no weapon. I approach him and he looks warily at me. I stop in front of him and a few seconds pass before someone shoots me in the side.

Luna:

I sit in the corner, knees pulled up to my chest. My eyes dart from place to place, not focusing on anything. The lock on the door clicks open suddenly, causing me to flinch. I look up to see Jungkook stumble in, hand on his side. There is blood leaking between his fingers. He is followed by V and Andromeda.

Jungkook’s eyes rest on me, his gaze unchanged. V stops him before he can approach me.

“So, Jungkook,” andromeda drawls out. “What do you want?”

“A trade,” he replies, not looking at her, but keeping eye contact with me.

“Of what?”

“Luna, for information.” Andromeda thinks for a minute before saying, “what kind?” her eyes gleam in the dark.

“Pricey information,”

“Fine,” she says coming off the wall.

“There's a trade going on in the harbor for the drugs you are interested in.” Jungkooks states plainly.

Andromeda thinks for a minute, deciding if he is speaking the truth.

“Take her and go,” she barks. V lets Jungkook go and he crouches in front of me.

“Can you walk?” he asks me. I nod grabbing onto his shoulder to help myself up.

We exit the room, Jungkook leading me out down the hallway, and to the front.

As we walk out the door, I hear a voice. “Shoot her,” it orders. Jungkook whirls around just in time for me to get shot in the side. I scream and crumple to the ground.

“What was that?!” Jungkook screams toward Andromeda and her men. Jungkook after getting no reply from her, crouches down to help me. I groan at his touch. His eyes look worried, but he too is bleeding as well.

He scoops me up and runs back to our HQ. How he can stand it from the pain, I have no idea.

“RM!!” he screams leaning against the door frame as he bangs on the metal door. The door bursts open revealing a wide-eyed RM. Pushing past him, Jungkook hurries toward the meeting room. Laying me down on the table he takes my jacket off and pulls my shirt up revealing my bullet wound. It is just a flesh wound, but it fucking hurts.

“Where is Suga?” Jungkook asks hurriedly as he organizes supplies to treat me.

“Out on a mission,”

“Okay, then someone has to hold her legs,”

“What why?"

“Why?! Because I have to get this bullet out of her side, that’s why!” Jungkook yells at RM. He looks slightly hurt, but the urgency of the situation has him walking to the other side of the table. Rm takes hold of my arms and Jungkook orders Jhope to take hold of my legs.

It takes half an hour, with screaming and blood the bullet is out and I am sewed up. I thought I would pass out, but I did not. Now I can sleep, hoping that suga returns soon.

Jungkook:

I cover Luna with a blanket. She’s so strong. My wound was not as severe as hers. Just some antiseptic and I’m okay. I sit heavily on one of the wooden chairs, sighing at the past few hours actions.

“Where is Jimin?” I ask rubbing my face. “I don’t know, he left shortly after you left to get Luna,” Jhope answers as he cleans the medical supplies.

“Just wondering,” I reply to him. I’m not just wondering I have noted that his actions have been weird lately. Disappearing for days then following unsuccessful missions. He’s suspicious. It’s like he wants us to fail. A knock sounds and RM goes to answer it. A few minutes pass and Suga enters followed by RM. Suga’s eyes fall on Luna, by the steels himself for now. I watch as he looks at each of the members, before asking, “where’s Jimin?”

“Good question, where are you Jimin?” I say locking eyes with the glistening ones staring back down at me in the rafters. They soon disappear.

#bts #btsmafia #mafia au #bts yoongi #jimin #bts taehyung #jin #jhope #rm #jungkook

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watchmegetobsessed · 6 years

Text

Shawn Mendes // Boundaries Part 14

part 14 is here! i’ll start working fulltime on boundaries to finish it finally, i already have another short series almost ready to be posted, so excited about it!!

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10 - Part 11 - Part 12 - Part 13

masterlist

3rd person’s POV

Elisa sits in the hallway of the clinic Naya told the driver to go. It all looks expensive and not really a place Naya would be able to afford, but it seemed like it’s not the first time she has been here. The doctor took her into a room and told Elisa to wait our here, so she was left alone with her raging thoughts.

There is so much to process, and she doesn’t even know where to start. The first punch was when Naya admitted to her that she is pregnant. In the emergency she couldn’t even get out a word, and then the second punch hit. Shawn Mendes is the father. She slowly put the pieces together in her head.

Naya was foolish enough to have unprotected sex with her client, get pregnant, and she also has contacted him since she found out, because it really seemed like it’s not a surprise to him when he texted back he is on his way. These two have known it for God knows how long, leaving her out of it completely and she couldn’t deny the fact that it hurt her. She thought they shared everything. They have been through so much together yet Naya still chose not to tell her about the baby and just in general the whole story with Shawn. She never said anything about sleeping with him.

As the minutes passes by Elisa gets more and more upset, emotions are whirling in her like a hurricane and she doesn’t even know what she wants to do first. Whoop Naya’s ass or kill Shawn.

The appearance of the said boy makes the decision easier on her, because when she sees him running towards her in the hallway she jumps to her feet and as soon as he is close enough she grabs the collar of his shirt and gives him a rather strong push that throws him off a bit, stumbling on his feet.

“What the fuck did you do?!” she hisses at him in the loudest she can be at a hospital.

“What?!” Shawn is quite confused, he hasn’t even met Elisa, he was just guessing that the anxious girl waiting at the room they told me Naya would be in is in fact her roomie. “Elisa, I’m sorry you didn’t know about it… I-“

“Did you force her into it? Did you?!” She is starting to raise her voice that makes a few nurses turn their ways. Shawn looks around pulling Elisa to the side.

“Please, we have to be quiet.”

Realizing he is right Elisa tries to contain herself as they take a seat and continue the conversation in a more suitable tone.

“Look, I’m sorry, I really am. I told her to talk to you, but she was so afraid. She has been a wreck since she found out and is trying to hide from the world, but I told her she can’t do it forever. I’m really sorry you had to find out like this.”

Considering his words Elisa realizes the situation is a bit different from what she thought. She takes a few deep breaths to calm herself down. Shawn seeing that she has collected herself he finally asks the important question.

“Okay, what happened? Do we know anything?”

“Um… I really don’t know,” she sighs shaking her head. “It was so fucking scary…” She can feel her throat closing up as she thinks back at the image of her best friend, shaking from pain in the middle of the night, crying out for help.

“Tell me what happened.”

“I woke up to a huge thud. I thought someone broke in, but it was Naya, all curled up from the pain at the dinner table. There was a blood stain on her pants. She barely could talk from the pain, so I called a car and came here as fast as possible. They haven’t said anything since they took her in.”

Shawn runs his fingers through his hair anxiously. He just landed in New York when he got the text. He came home earlier, he wanted to surprise Naya and take her out for a brunch in the morning. It was weird to get a text so late from her, especially since he read the one she sent him before going to bed, so he though she was sleeping. But reading the emergency text he immediately made his way to the clinic as fast as possible. The past couple days have been hard not just on Naya, but on him as well. Finding out he is going to be a dad was shocking and he had a couple of panic attacks alone at home whenever he thought for too long about it, but he was kind of getting used to it and started thinking about it in the most positive way he could. His feeling for Naya never changed, he was actually happy he could spend more time with the girl even though he knew she was having a hard time adjusting the situation.

The thought of losing the baby made him panic again. His first thought was that Naya must be so scared and he wanted nothing more than to just take her pain and all her problems away, but he didn’t have the power to it. Now he feels useless, sitting in the hallway as he has no idea what is going on in the room. Is she still in pain? Did she lose the baby?

After what felt like forever the door opens and a doctor steps out. He looked old, his narrow glasses are pushed up to the top of his head, messing up his grey hair.

“Relatives of Ms. Duvall?” he asks and without hesitation Shawn and Elisa nod immediately as they stand up.

“How is she?” Elisa asks eagerly, wanting nothing more than to know if Naya is okay.

“She is fine. There is nothing to worry about. What happened is that her uterus is starting to change to be able to take care of the baby. The female body goes through extreme changes during a pregnancy, the growth is sudden and this change sometimes is accompanied with strong pain. It’s temporary and normal, don’t worry. Her body is just trying to transform and somehow it was more painful for her than to others.”

Elisa and Shawn both sigh in relief hearing the doctor’s explanation of what really happened. It’s like a whole mountain just fell off of their shoulders right there in the hallway.

“And… what about the blood?” Elisa asks a bit confused.

“Spotting is also normal during pregnancy. Sometimes it’s a sign of infection, but it’s not the case now. Ms. Duvall is perfectly fine, we gave her some painkiller, put her on a quick IV, she is ready to leave as soon as we are done with that. Unfortunately painful cramping might happen again, let’s hope her body is done with that.”

They thank the doctor before he tells them they are allowed to see her and leaves. Walking into the room the lighting is brighter than they were expecting, but when they adjust it they see Naya lying in a hospital bed in the middle of the room. She looks a bit pale, her eyes are heavy, but she has a smile on her face. A very tired smile.

“I’m sorry I scared you both,” she mumbles and Elisa almost immediately starts crying as she rushes to the side of her bed. “Oh my God, don’t cry, you are making me cry!” she pleads as Elisa gives her a light hug, trying not to hurt her in any way.

“You scared the shit out of me! Don’t you dare do this again!” she sobs wiping her tears away.

“Okay, deal. It wasn’t fun for me either,” she chuckles bitterly. Her eyes wonder over to the boy standing at the door, giving them respectfully giving them some time. Elisa notices the look and quickly straightens up.

“I’ll give you two some time to talk, but we are having a conversation later too.” She gives her a meaningful look before turning away and walking out of the room giving them some privacy.

Shawn feels nervous, he hates seeing her so tired and worn out, and he hates the fact that he wasn’t next to her when she needed him even more. He wanders closer, but keeps a small distance, not really knowing how Naya is feeling about him right now. But then she reaches up for him and he moves immediately. Sitting down to the edge of the bed he leans closer as they share a tight hug.

“I thought you are only coming back this afternoon,” she chuckles jokingly when Shawn straightens up, but he takes her free hand and laces their fingers together.

“Finished earlier, and I wanted to surprise you with a brunch, but I guess that plan is now cancelled.”

“I’ll be out of here in a few hours, we can have a very early breakfast.”

Shawn laughs shaking his head. How is she so light and smiley after such a shocking night? It’s another feature he adores in her.

“Naya, you scared the shit out of me. This is exactly why I want you to move in with me, I want to be there when something happens, I want to help you. Please, just-“

“I’ll move in with you,” she says cutting him off. Shawn freezes, totally forgetting about what he was trying to say.

“What?”

“I thought about it, and you are right. I was lucky tonight, Elisa was home, but she often works during the night and I don’t want to be alone if something like this happens again. The only solution is moving in with you.”

Tonight has really opened her eyes. This is not just about her stubborn self anymore, she has to take care of a baby and as much as she wants to do it on her own, tonight she realized she needs help. A pregnancy is challenging even to those who were planning on it, but it was a surprise for her and she now finally sees that she might need every bit of help she can get to make it through these nine months.

Shawn is not able to contain his happiness, leaning closer he presses an open-mouthed kiss on the girl’s lip making her laugh.

“It’ll be so amazing! We can go furniture shopping, I’ll make one of the rooms your closet if you want and then we can start planning the nursery!”

His enthusiasm warms Naya’s heart. Now she really feels like she is not alone. She has Shawn, no matter what is about to come.

taglist: @damnigotadime @jrock-1987 @dacutiehart @ricchhelle @shar-is-my-name@hollandechart

#shawn #mendes #shawn mendes #shawn mendes imagines #Shawn Mendes Imagine #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes fanfiction #shawn mendes fic #shawn mendes fanfics #shawn mendes fanfictions #shawn mendes x reader #boundaries #boundaries series #mendes army

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chimcharstar · 5 years

Note

1 THROUGH 55 AND 1 THROUGH 30 GO GO GO

LETS FUCKIN GO

tumblr please actually make this a keep reading

55 interesting questions you should drop in someone’s inbox

1. If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?

I ALREADY WATCH NETFLIX AND AGONIZE OVER MY STORY

2. What’s your favorite piece of clothing you’ve own/owned?

MY JACKETS. ANY CHEST OBSCURING, BROAD SHOULDERED, COZY JACKET

3. What hobbies would you get into if time and money wasn’t an issue?

DANCING, ID NEED TO GO TO CLASSES OR SOMETHING

4. What would your perfect room look like?

IM ACTUALLY PRETTY HAPPY WITH MY ROOM BUT IVE ALWAYS WANTED A LAVA LAMP, AND 1800 MORE PLANTS COULDNT HURT

5. Do you play sports?

6. What fiction place would you love to go to?

SINNOH REGION

7. What Job would you be terrible at?

DEBT COLLECTION. I WOULD BE GIVING SHIT TO PEOPLE FOR FREE. I COULDNT BEAR BEING ENCOURAGED TO FORCE PEOPLE WHO CANT PAY FOR SOMETHING TO PAY MORE

8. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would it be?

SERVING. HOW MANY PLATES CAN YOU CARRY AT ONCE

9. What’s the most annoy habit other people have?

WALKING IN MY SPACE BUBBLE WHEN MY SENSES ARE OVERLOADED

10. What skill would you like to master?

A SECOND LANGUAGE

11. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on?

THE ONE FROM MY DREAM WHERE I KISSED A GIRL DYED MY HAIR BLUE AND WE ELOPED TO BRAZIL TO RAISE SHEEP

12. What’s your favorite drink ?

THAT CHRISTMAS SHIT. PEPPERMINT MOCHA AT STARBUCKS. A FRIEND GOT IT FOR ME ONCE. NOW I ORDER IT A BILLION TIMES.

13. What state or country would you never like to go back to?

I HAVE NOT TRAVELLED MUCH EVER

14. What songs do you have completely memorized?

I DONT REMEMBER LYRICS SO MUCH, BUT I COULD PROBABLY REMEMBER HOW MANY SONGS GO COMPLETELY

15. Are you usually early or late?

LATE. IM GETTING BETTER THOUGH

16. What takes up too much of your time?

GETTING OUT OF BED

17. What do you wish you knew more about?

SWORDS

18. What are some small things that make your day better?

COFFEE. SOMEONE SAYING SOMETHING NICE TO ME.

19. What TV channel doesn’t exist but really should?

QUEER EYE BUT BY TRANS PEOPLE FOR TRANS PEOPLE

20. Who has impressed you the most with what they’ve accomplished?

YOU. AND ME. ITS GROWTH

21. What age do you wish you can permanently be?

21, SO I HAVE TIME TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCKS GOING ON

22. What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch?

13 REASONS, THE BOOK WAS TRIGGERING SO I WONT RISK IT

23. What would be your ideal way to spend you weekend?

TAKING A WALK, HAVING COFFEE, WATERING PLANTS… IM HAPPY

24. What’s something in your life that’s considered a luxury?

I HAVE PERFUME...

25. Is there anything you’re too young/old for?

TO YOUNG TO NEVER DRINK. TOO OLD FOR POKEMON

26. What’s your favorite genre book or movie?

I DONT HAVE THE ATTENTION SPAN FOR EITHER BUT I SEEM TO LIKE URBAN FANTASY A LOT

27. How often do you people watch?

I THINK IM SO POLITE BUT HONESTLY, I QUIETLY SCRUTINIZE SO MANY PEOPLE ON THE TRAIN EVERY DAY AND GUESS AT THEIR PERSONAL HABITS AND SELF IMAGE.

28. What’s the best single day on the calendar?

MY BIRTHDAY, SAGITTARIUS SEASON RULES BABY

29. What are you interested in that most people haven’t heard of?

I DONT KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING PPL HAVENT HEARD OF BUT IM INTERESTED IN BLACK HOLES

30. Do you relax after a hard day?

FOOD. NETFLIX. DECOMPOSING ON TUMBLR

31. What’s the best book or series you’ve ever read?

I HAVENT READ A BOOK I REALLY LOVE IN AGES. HARRY POTTER AND ARTEMIS FOWL WERE MY FAVOURITES GROWING UP, BUT CORNELIA FUNKES BOOKS SLAPPED AND HIS DARK MATERIALS WAS GORGEOUS

32. Where’s the farthest you’ve ever been from home?

IDAHO?

33. What’s the most heart warming thing you’ve ever seen?

LUCIFER WAS LIKE YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR BORING MIDDLE NAME JANE AND KNOWS THAT EVERY MURDER BREAKS YOUR HEART AND YOU SIMPLY DESERVE BETTER SO NO MORE MOMENTS WHILE THEYRE HAVING A MOMENT AND CHLOE IS WATCHING THIS FUCKING IDIOT AND IVE WATCHED THIS BEFORE SO I KNOW SHES GONNA KISS HIM AND THEN THEY KISS

34. What’s the most annoying question that people ask you?

ANY SMALL TALK QUESTIONS

35. Would you give a 40 minute presentation with no preparation?

YES. ID MAKE THAT SHIT RIGHT UP. SKILLS

36. What’s something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?

GIVE ME A HUG AND SOME CHOCOLATE

37. Would you rather go Hand Gliding or Whitewater rafting?

HANG GLIDING

38. Dream car?

SOMETHING I DONT HAVE TO WORRY WILL FALL INTO PIECES AT ANY MOMENT

39. What’s something so many people are obsessed with and you just don’t understand why?

STRAIGHT LOVE SONGS

40. What are you most looking forward to in 10 years from now?

HAVING A CAT

41. What’s something you’ve been meaning to try but haven’t gotten to it?

DECORATING THE DOLLHOUSE I RESCUED FROM THE BATHROOM

42. What’s the best thing that’s happened to you all week?

IM NOT VERY FAR THROUGH THE WEEK AND I HAVENT ENJOYED MOST OF IT BUT PEOPLE SAYING ADORABLE THINGS

43. How different was your life one year ago?

NOT A LOT DIFFERENT, IM JUST LONELY IN THE CITY NOW, MINUS A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP, ONE YEAR ON T

44. What/who would you rate 10/10?

MY CACTUS JAKEN. I DROPPED HIM SO MANY TIMES AN ENTIRE HALF OF HIS SPIKES ARE FLAT SCARS. AND LOOK AT HIM. THRIVING

45. What kind of art do you enjoy the most?

GENUINELY MADE ART

46. What do you hope never changes?

MY T PRESCRIPTION

47. What movie title best describes your life?

I LOOKED THROUGH NETFLIX AND I PICK TWILIGHT

48. What website do you visit most often?

TUMBLR

49. What’s something you’re looking forward to this year?

MY BIRTHDAY

50. What’s something you’d like to unlearn?

FINDING A REASON TO CANCEL EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING

51. Where would you spend all your time if you could?

WALKING BY SOME RUNNING WATER

52. What age would you like to live to?

80. THATS MY MENTAL HEALTH ANSWER

53. What’s something you’re most likely to become famous for?

SOMETHING CREATIVE WOULD BE AWESOME

54. What’s something you’re most likely to be arrested for?

CRIMES

55. What’s something you really want but can’t afford?

A CAT

Lgbt+ ask game

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns?

I’m even a little shaken by a questioning state right now but for a while I’ve felt the best fit is the androgynous label -- I read a description of it being the purple on a pink to blue scale, both at once but not specifically either one, and something else by itself. I’m also happy with a cryptic masculine grey area. My pronouns are he/him.

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?

During the Puberty 1.0 nightmare, I was basically living someone else’s life, and any attraction I felt wasn’t in relation to myself. I felt disconnected from my body and gender and everything too, and I felt a lot of social pressure to experience a certain type of attraction, fit into a certain role, et cetera, and none of these feelings existed in me at all, so I used to identify as ace. When I realized I was trans, I was too caught up in the, transition safely, my life is a lie, stopping dysphoria drama to focus on this, but I had an idea I might be a gay guy judging from my gay creative writing until I caught feelings for a girl and realized this wasn’t the first time that had happened. Some bi positivity and nonbinary rage later, I am reminded that gender is a joke.

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?

Yes of course A LOT. Starting with my parents, who do it aggressively and maliciously. And plenty from strangers and customers, mostly after hearing my voice pre-transition. It used to hurt terribly because I was dealing with so much other stuff at the time, and one little thing could be the last straw, so I used to react strongly and harshly, to people you express yourself to anyway. On T, I’ve been so much more chill and confident, and it’s less painful to accept that some people just don’t know any better, although that doesn’t change its effect.

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?

I don’t remember, I think it was a high school friend. I vaguely remember texting someone in a bathroom during a crying session at work. My high school friends were all warm and supportive.

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?

It was scary as hell. I’m sure coming out (with your gender specifically) is scary by nature because it’s a huge truth to be telling that can really change how the people you love perceive you, for better or for worse, but for me, I’m also thinking with the dread and certainty that my family would be too conservative and potentially dangerous. Coming out to my family was one of the worst, most painful things I’ve ever been through -- being kicked out and laughed at, a lot of drama, confrontations, Bible readings and being ganged up on at odd hours, trying to comfort my mom who took it as her personal failure -- I was shaking with adrenaline 24/7. I think of the “I’ll suffer through anything as long as it has meaning” comment that was about angsty fanfics, but knowing the truth about myself was a source of unshakable strength and it felt refreshing and even triumphant to say, like I was giving myself permission to exist for the first time. I came out a bunch of times, though...

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?

My family reacted mostly badly, my sister is a little confused but has the spirit, and my friends have been wonderful.

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?

It’s more of a gender thing, but I hate it when people imply that I shouldn’t be on T or are subtly trying to talk me out of it with their questions. After all the disrespectful as fuck bullshit I heard from my parents, I’m tired of this.

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

Zombie apocalypse denim? Gay Layers

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?

I’m not really emotionally invested in these “ships” you cool kids are talking about. I like canon, age-appropriate ones.

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

I’ve never really worn makeup. I brazenly never bothered to growing up, and if it had an effect on me socially, I was too tuned out to care. My sister always wanted to do my hair and makeup, but I wasn’t interested and wouldn’t let her, much to her frustration. I wore some for a musical once though, and I had no idea what I was doing and it was extremely uncomfortable. I felt what I know now is dysphoria and ended up using the lipstick to draw. Another aspect to this is my family forbade it (or my dad made the decision for everyone), not that it made my sister feel less pressured to wear it, so maybe it was some female presentation I could easily get out of. For that reason, I don’t have super strong feelings about it. Not understanding it probably resulted in me feeling left out a lot among my peers.

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?

Yes. Before my realization, it was a numb horror I wasn’t consciously aware of, ruining nice things growing up to the point where I feel like I missed out on being a teenager. I remember it as feeling nauseous while sitting in a corner, feeling like none of my clothes ever fit for some mysterious reason. Living with my family in the closet, it defined my life, and I was obsessed with my presentation. These days, it does not bother me on that level at all, except a minor freakout now and then if I get really wild and wear feminine clothes. Or I still feel it in more subtle ways, when I default to customer service voice, or when guys my age are twice my height and I look aaaall the way up at them and wonder what gender they see me as.

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?

Trust me, I have heard truck loads of dumb shit and the winner is the Gay Agenda is R****a’s propaganda to weaken the integrity of North America. Considering what is happening over there, it was enragingly stupid.

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

I feel like I can be myself around lgbt+ people. I don’t feel like I have to hide stuff or put on a show, and I’m not afraid because it’s familiar territory.

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

Aside from obvious problems like TERFs, ace discourse. Ace people are part of the community if they want to be and that’s enough on that, my skin is already breaking out.

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?

I finally went to a Pride event this year! I was surprised it was the first one I’d been to, then remembered my parents discouraged me from going anywhere, never mind to a gay where.

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?

I can’t think of many people right now, but Leslie Feinberg seems awesome, and some quotes from Stone Butch Blues are very validating.

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?

No. Technically I have been in one, but it was shitty and ridiculous, and basically platonic, and I don’t want it to count.

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?

I barely read… I read Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe in high school and it was honestly so precious.

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?

Yes. I got kicked out (but then kicked back in again), had my stuff stolen and damaged, was verbally harassed… and I was indirectly fired by an employer, but We Will Never Know Why...

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?

Queer Eye! I don’t know of many though, and some important ones, I just haven’t watched.

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?

My mutuals :D

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?

I’m okay calling myself queer.

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?

No, but I did see some drag performances at the one (1) Pride event I went to, and they were jaw-dropping.

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?

I’m not sure what this question means, but I decide what fits right by what makes me feel the most alive and emotionally real and in the moment. What makes me feel the most attractive to be honest. There’s a post about dysphoria I saw going around, the things on it are basically what I use to figure things out.

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?

I am actually! Not anytime soon, but I’m the responsible type for sure, and judging by the way I love growing plants and being around animals, I’m probably a nurturing person. I actually like kids too, lol, they’re just so high-energy.

What identity advice would you give your younger self?

You’re a boy. Go!

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?

I think people are going to have different ways of expressing themselves that make them happy, but… I don’t think they should infringe on basic human decency. When I hear “role” I think of acting a certain way because someone told you to, something I want to disagree with on the spot.

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

People move out of my way on the sidewalk and take me seriously now. Privilege or self-confidence… I never want to forget what it used to be like, or get too entitled.

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?

That it’s simply living one’s reality. I think that trips up a lot of straight people -- that some people just come like this, and they don’t have to make it fit into their personal identity.

Why are proud to be lgbt+?

Because I worked hard to be alive and happy right now. I’m proud of choosing to get through those rough patches, take care of myself, heal, take walks, cook breakfast, learn healthy coping mechanisms, that was out of love for myself and a defiant conviction that I have a place in this world.

#chatty tag

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loadingluke · 6 years

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Hysto day 2

Tw: blood, post op stuff, nausea, genital mentions

Hey all, hope you don’t mind the long posts. I just find it easier writing down notes over the course of the day instead of trying to remember it all to summarise. I hope the detail is helpful :)

4:50am

I had an endone at about 3:45 and then slept again from there. I was feeling a little bit of pain and just wanted to nip it in the bud. Had another rest, just drinking some water but still feeling good 🙂

7:13am

3 new day nurses came in and I was handed over by the night nurse. They discussed that I should be getting my catheter out soon, after some breakfast. I also have a small pack inside which will also be removed. Dysphoria wise I’m not looking forward to either but I’m also excited to have it all out, to have a shower and to feel a little more human!

7:31am

Someone from Melbourne Pathology cane in to do my post surgery blood tests. It was pretty quick and painless.

7:36am

Breakfast came in and I got a nurse to help me move my table so I could have something to eat. I’m in a little pain where the pack is, but it’s manageable. I haven’t got a sore throat though, and my abdomen incisions aren’t sore at all. Hopefully soon after breakfast I’ll be able to shower etc.

7:59am

Dr Kuswanto came in and had a look at my abdomen incisions. He said that the operation went well and that the only issue was that the v-gina was quite tight and dry due to testosterone and uh...lack of use. That’s why he put in a pack as there was a little bit of bleeding from a few small tears when they removed the organs. I told him that that was what hurt the most, and he said I’ll feel a lot better once that pack will come out later this morning. He let me know that my bladder and ureters we’re all normal (he also did cystoscopy during the operation). He said to book in to see him in 3 weeks time in his rooms for a post op check up.

8:34am

I finished my breakfast and two of the nurses came in and gave me an endone. I wanted to take one a little before they take out the catheter and packing as it’s a little sore and I don’t really want to be in pain when they do that. They should be back soon to sort that all out and then I’ll be able to have a shower and get up and about. I was also given a liquid laxative to help get my bowels going. Endone and the general anaesthetic can cause a little bit of constipation so this was just to avoid that.

8:50am

Post op doc came in and had a chat. She listened to my chest for any signs of wheezing due to my asthma. She said everything sounds good and that I’ll feel better later today once everything is all out and I’ve had a shower.

10:09am

I was given a couple of panadol by the nurse. I ordered my lunch and dinner for today with food services. Catheter and packing removal is looking like it’ll happen between 10:30 and 11am.

10:21am

I had a very sudden bit of nausea come on. I assumed it may be blood pressure related (I’d been sitting up for a while) so I called the nurse and put my bed back down. That made me feel a little better. I was given a vomit bag just in case, but I didn’t need to use it.

10:34am

My IV was disconnected from the port. A lot of fluid was entering the surrounding tissue and not the vein, leading to a little swelling and discomfort. I’m drinking normally now, so I don’t need to be on fluid anymore anyway.

10:56am

Two nurses came in to let me know that they’ll be removing the catheter and pack. This should be happening any minute now.

11:13am

The pack and catheter are out now. The pack was a little sore and dysphoria inducing. The nurses had to start by wiping down the area with cold water, and then they had to pull it out using forceps. It was quite bloody and it kept coming which felt really weird and painful. It was a lot longer and larger than I expected. The catheter was actually really easy, and didn’t feel too bad at all. They put a pad on me and a new bluey underneath, and will monitor that for the next hour or so to make sure I’m not bleeding too much. I felt like I needed to pee as soon as the catheter came out. The nurses told me it was probably just irritation but to let them know if it gets worse. I should be able to get up in about half an hour to an hour to have a shower, as well as a voiding trial to make sure everything is all working normally. I feel a little better now that it’s all out, even though it does feel quite painful. I had to use some estrogen cream inside leading up to the surgery in order to have it a little less tight and atrophied. As much as it sucked, I am SO glad I did. I would have been in a lot more pain now if I hadn’t.

11:23am

Had another set of obs done. The needing to pee feeling has subsided a bit, so it probably was just irritated. Got my IVs out of my arm, so now I’m officially tubeless!

12:18

I felt like I needed to pee so I asked to be helped up. I walked over to the toilet and sat down. I started to feel really dizzy so I called the nurse. She put be back into bed and checked my blood pressure. It was stabilising after a sharp decrease. She used a bladder scanner and discovered I didn’t have much urine in my bladder at all, and that it was probably just bladder irritation. She gave me some ural to have which is meant to reduce discomfort. I’m having that now. I feel really warm- one of the nurses is grabbing me a wet face washer to cool me down.

2:24pm

I’m back in bed after my first wee and shower. I was feeling pretty rotten but this time I didn’t feel like I was dizzy or anything which is good. I sat down in the shower and freshened myself up. I feel a lot better now. I’m changed into my pyjamas from home so I feel a little more like myself.

3:08pm

I had a second wee and I didn’t feel as dizzy when I got up. Afterwards I had a bladder scan to make sure that my bladder was completely empty. It was, which means I don’t need to collect my urine anymore. I’m feeling a little crampy, my abdominal muscles are just contracting randomly which isn’t super pleasant. I was given a heat pack which has helped. I am bleeding a little bit downstairs, but not significantly.

3:40pm

I’m feeling pretty good. A nurse came in and checked on me. I went to the bathroom again and then watched some YouTube videos.

7:48pm

Got brought a hot milo and some water. I’ve been feeling pretty good, now that I’m able to get up and walk around without feeling too terrible I feel alright. I keep comparing my experience with this surgery to that of top surgery. I had it in my head that this one would be loads easier, but it’s actually been a little harder than I expected it to be. At least with top surgery I was free to to completely use my lower half, so getting up and walking around was pretty easy. It’s really hard to move around well without the use of your core. I feel like this surgery is harder on you initially, but it improves a lot quicker, but that’s only me and only time will tell! I’m feeling pretty comfortable now, and should be all fine for discharge tomorrow. The nurse came in to check my obs again, as well as to give me a blood anticoagulant injection and laxitive again. I’m gonna head to sleep again soon as I’m feeling quite tired now.

#hysto #hysterectomy #ftm #trans man #lower surgery #bottom surgery

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stephenremedios · 4 years

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My experiments with Covid-19

Day 1 - 23rd September 2020:

Consistent with my morning routine, I returned from a game of tennis to discover that Dylan was feeling tired and fatigued after his morning soccer game with other kids in the community. He washed up and sat through his online classes. It was the third day of his first cumulative assessment. The boys had all begun their first term examination on Monday. It was a new experience for them, but they seemed to enjoy the new format much better! Aidan was of the view that the questions made him think more and write less. By lunch Dylan was spent. He went to sleep and woke up in time for dinner.

We all sleep in the same room, with Dylan at one corner and me on the other side. Aidan, Ethan and then Ray. I ended up giving his aching limbs a short massage as he struggled to go to sleep. He tossed and turned for a bit, but finally fatigue took over. Ray suggested I take his temperature. It was 98.1F

Day 2- 24th September 2020:

Dylan woke up feeling normal the next morning. We historically associate these bouts of fatigue and fever with a growth spurt. Dylan stood next to our Thomas height scale and I measured his height – he had grown 2 cm since the last time we had taken a reading, two months ago.

Known for being the paranoid person in the house, I insisted the boys take a break from soccer as a matter of abundant caution. I had a tennis date at 6:30 that I regretted – I was feeling fine, but I decided to play it safe.

It was this same paranoia that had me list all the potential sources of infection when the pandemic first emerged. After looking at our lifestyle we decided to do away with a driver and a maid. We retained a gardener with the caveat that no one would work with him in the garden at the same time. We switched to shopping online to minimize exposure to many people in a mall or supermarket.

These measures had been effective over the last six months so there was no reason to think we had contracted the dreaded Covid-19.

At about 6:00 in the evening I started to feel itchy at the back of my throat. I hadn’t had a cold or cough in over 7 months. Raynah suggested I do a Betadine gargle before I went to sleep that night, which I did.

Day 3 - 25th September 2020:

I woke up with a high fever, intense body pain and a sense of having no energy whatsoever. It was a new feeling; unlike anything I had experienced before. It was like I had gone from a 100% to 5% in 24 hours. I woke up well past my usual wake time of 6:00 AM. The boys told me that their normal morning visit to Villa #10 to visit my mother and play with the kittens hadn’t fructified because she wasn’t answering the doorbell.

I proceeded to Villa #10 to see why she wasn’t answering the bell. Like the boys had reported, she wasn’t responding to the bell or to my calls to her window right below the garage. Spotty, the mother of the three kittens was pacing up and down the entrance of the house while the hungry kittens were scaling the curtains in desperation on the inside of the house. Clearly something was amiss.

I used the duplicate key we have to the house to let myself in. Spot edged into the house before I could retrieve the key from the door. The kittens mobbed her desperate for their early morning feed. I made my way up to the bedroom.

Opening the door, I found my mother looking like she had been on an IV drip for the last week. She had a bad night too. We proceeded to exchange notes on our symptoms. We were both in awe of the speed of the onset and the extent of debilitation in such a short while. We agreed it was a bad flu.

We resolved that the best way to fight it would be to sleep as much as possible, to allow the body to recover from this nasty bug. Aidan meanwhile complained of a mild cough but didn’t have any fever or any other symptoms. Dylan rebounded like he always does and asked if he could go and hit against the wall in the tennis court for a while. He settled for a game of indoor squash with Ethan instead. I slept 13.4 hours of the 20 hours I spent in bed that day.

Day 4 - 26th September 2020:

A much better night after two torrid nights. I had begun a course of antibiotics the previous night and my cough was on the mend. I woke up feeling much better. The tennis gang was starting a little later today given the overnight rainfall had rendered the courts unplayable at our usual 6:30 AM start time.

A notification on my phone asked “Are you good to play @8:00”. While I fancied a few sets of low intensity doubles I decided to play it safe again. The conversation ended with advice to do steam inhalation to overcome the cough.

Raynah woke up later than usual, with a slight fever and body ache. She didn’t have a cough though. She pushed through the fatigue rustling up a special weekend meal. I could smell the aroma of the meal from the bedroom as she rustled it up in the kitchen. I reassured myself that it wasn’t Covid-19. After all I hadn’t lost my sense of smell.

The boys do athletics and fitness classes on the weekends. Raynah and I decided it made sense to keep them back from classes. We deliberated on whether to send Aidan and Ethan since only Dylan had been ill on Wednesday. We decided it wasn’t worth the taking the risk no matter how insignificant it seemed at the time.

Day 5 - 27th September 2020:

I had a restless night, struggling to find any periods of deep sleep. My body was still fighting the infection and I was convinced that this was a strain of flu that I hadn’t experienced before. Ray continued feeling a little unwell so I let her sleep an hour longer and fixed the boys cereal for breakfast.

Later in the day we all came together to record a short concert for my sister’s son, Neil in the US. We had forgotten to call on the 26th (his birthday). We usually all jump on a call and sing LIVE! This time we would have to settle for a recorded message.

All in all it was an eventless day and it seemed like everyone on was on the path to make a quick recovery from the flu. If Dylan had indeed been the one that brought it in, then surely we should make a speedy recovery just like he did.

Day 6 - 28th September 2020:

With the antibiotic kicking in, my throat was on the mend. It felt like my energy levels were inching back up. The fever was on a downward trajectory. The worst was behind us. Raynah continued to have mild flu symptoms and my mother hadn’t shown any signs of a fever the previous night. She had recovered sufficiently to make food for the ‘patients in #145’ she joked. Her main movements over the next 48 hours would be to deliver food to us since both Ray and I continued to be under the weather. Ray began to experience breathlessness when she climbed the steps that evening. I was concerned but concluded it was probably just the fatigue of having cleaned the whole house that day. The larger picture suggested that we were all progressing in the right direction.

We would have gone to sleep that night without having considered for a moment that we might be Covid +ve.

We are early sleepers. Lights go out by 9:00 and everyone is usually asleep by 9:30 after some bedtime banter. A little past 8:45 PM Ray read out an email from the Ozone Kovid Kare team – The live-in help at one of the houses of the boys who play soccer with Aidan and Dylan had tested +ve for Covid (It is a separate matter that he turned out to be a false positive when he was re-tested!).

In that moment, the odds of us having contracted Covid increased from 0% to 1% in my mind. It was now possible that the boy got it from his house help, Dylan got it from the boy, that my mom and I got it from Dylan and then the rest of the family got it too! (It is a separate matter that Aidan, Dylan, Ethan and all the boys and their families tested negative and we still haven’t figured out where we picked the virus up from).

It was playing out like the closing sequence of the movie Contagion in my mind! Dylan picking up the virus as he rubbed his nose after touching the ball while playing soccer. My mom inhaling the virus as Dylan recited a poem later that evening while he was doing his studies with her. Ray interrupted my rampant imagination. “What should be do now?” she asked.

Given that there was now a 1% chance that we might have Covid, Ray and I decided that we should get tested. We were still sure that it was just a flu since the only person still feeling a little ill at that time was me. I’m intrinsically risk averse, and most of my reading suggested that people were dying when they were taken to hospitals too late in their fight with the virus. To save time it made sense to get tested along with the boy’s family.

After a few late-night calls and assistance from the very resourceful Ozone Kovid Kare Team we were all set to get tested the next day along with the family whose domestic help had tested positive.

Day 7 - 29th September 2020:

Our hall room has furniture on the sides with a wide-open space in the middle. The boys have spent hours during the lockdown hitting shuttles and table tennis balls against this wall. A broken light fitting that we decided not to replace after it was repeatedly broken by the boys tells the story of many hours of fierce combat with the wall. The wall also doubles up as a green screen for Aidan’s live streams and as a film screen when we run home movies.

When the lab technician arrived in full PPE to do the tests, our hall room looked more like a operation theatre than the usual improvised squash court it normally is. Today that expansive wall framed a single chair under the lights in the center of the room. We took turns to sit down on this chair while the technician first sent a swab up our nostrils and then down our throats. The technician did a thorough job, swabbing both nostrils till tears were streaming down my eyes. For the throat probe, he went deep enough to stimulate an involuntary cramp in my neck. If you experience discomfort during the swab collection, chances are that it is being done effectively. The technician told us that it takes 24-48 hours to get the results and that we should expect a call any time after 4:00 PM on the following day.

The boys meanwhile recorded the proceedings on their iPads with great excitement, unable to comprehend the gravity of the situation. They demanded to be tested as well fearing that they were missing out on this once-in-al-lifetime adventure.

My sister in Oregon, US had been anxious. Her husband was up late and received the pictures of the testing event. He assured her that all was well and that we would have the results the next day.

My mother and Ray looked to already be on a recovery path. The boys were fighting with us to allow then to resume their normal morning soccer routine. We asked that they be patient and hold on for one more day. The results would be here tomorrow, and they could return to their normal routine.

As we went to bed that night, I apologized to Ray for not having done anything for her birthday! I joked that a -ve Covid test certificate might be the most original, unique, quirky and memorable birthday present she would every receive.

Day 8 - 30th September 2020

I had an unusually high fever the previous night and felt lethargic and was exhausted when I woke up. Despite multiple doses of paracetamol my temperature had hovered between 102F & 103F without any signs of going down. My resting heart rate had also jumped from a normal 56 bpm to 69 bpm. My body was still fighting this virus. My mom walked over in the morning to deliver a cake for Ray and to drop a card in the mailbox. We were keen that that we cut it in the morning and start the day on a positive note.

Ray received a call from the laboratory at about 11:00 AM. He was very apologetic as he informed her that all three of us had tested positive, while the entire family of person who had initially tested positive were all negative!

It took about a minute for the information to sink in.

We were all Covid +ve.

My first reaction was to suggest that we all get tested again… this couldn’t possibly be true. After all, the house help had gone from being +ve to -ve in 24 hours. It might well be the same with us.

We hadn’t discussed the plan in the event of testing positive, so the first big decision was to figure out how to get my mom to our house given we now knew she was positive. Would we have to get an ambulance?

In the hour after the call to confirm our infection a variety of worst-case scenarios flashed through my head. I am wired like that. My mother and wife would be taken in an ambulance to a woman specific Covid Care Center. The boys and I would be whisked off to a gent only center. Our phones would be taken away.

Given the shortage of beds in general, how would they have 6 beds if all of us took ill? How was it all that four of us were symptomatic and I had moderate to severe symptoms when most people seem to have been asymptomatic? From all the metrics that I was tracking I knew there was something wreaking havoc on my vitals. Was I going to be admitted? Was I going to need oxygen? Was I going to end up on a ventilator? Was I going to die?

My mother meanwhile decided she wanted to quarantine by herself. She is an iron willed woman and I wasn’t in any shape to have a disagreement with her. It was particularly difficult for me to have her spend the next 14 days in isolation because she was at the receiving end of an acrimonious accusation relating to the cake she delivered for Ray’s birthday that morning. I absolved myself of the guilt I was experiencing at not being able to be there for my mom and got on with more pressing matters.

I reined my thoughts in and determined that this crisis called for some affirmative action. With tremendous help from my assistant Freeda, we were signed up for a home care Covid Care package within 4 hours of our positive result being known to us. At 5:30 that evening we received all our medication along with a digital thermometer and Oximeter neatly packed in a box.

The magnitude of the disease stuck me when I opened the box and saw the number of pills within it. I have never ingested so many pills in a single sitting ever. We all began our course of anti-viral medication that evening. I struggled to sleep that night. It was a combination of fear and a difficulty with my breathing that kept me awake and restless. I discovered the next morning that my fever had been well over 101F for most of the night.

Day 9 - 1st October 2020

While Ray and my mom seemed to be making good progress, my downward spiral continued. The chills had returned, and I spent most of the day covered from head to toe in bed. I had read that sleeping in the prone position helps the lungs in the fight and recovery, so I began to experiment with that. From time to time, the pulse Oximeter would show an initial reading of 93 and 94 before deep breathing would bring it to a more acceptable 95 or 96. I would feel breathless after climbing the dozen steps to get to our bedroom.

My temperature remained high through the day hovering between 103 F and 104 F. I decided it might be a good idea to speak with another doctor.

The first thing that the doctor did after a barrage of questions and giving me a patient hearing was to assure me that I was not going to die! He said that he had seen over 2000 cases in his ward, and that there was no need to be alarmed. It seemed like a silly thing, but the conviction in his voice when he said it made me hopeful and positive.

The second thing he told me was that all the current medication I was taking was 'candy’, and that none of it had cleared clinical trials. The medication was essentially in his reckoning, a placebo. It wouldn’t do any harm. It wouldn’t help either. He told me to continue my course of anti-biotics and use paracetamol to manage the fever.

That conversation left me hopeful and distraught at the same time. How could I be taking so many pills when there was no evidence to conclusively say they worked? We resolved to continue our medication and see how our bodies responded.

Antivirals are dosed in an interesting way as I discovered. The first two doses are monster doses (1800 mg) and then it drops to smaller doses (400 mg). It does not help that these tablets are manufactured in 200 mg shots. It is quite daunting when you have to put down 9 of them! By 10:00 PM that night I had 4000 mg of the anti-viral in me and I wasn’t feeling any better. I was starting to feel worse.

Earlier in the day, Shanthi, a doctor resident in our Community offered her research and findings as an alternate way to combat and inhibit the progress of the disease. She referenced the work of Dr. Paul Marik and suggested that we add a few common medications that had proven effective in helping fight the virus in some trials. She cautioned of course that these weren’t 100% proven but reduced the odds of fatalities.

From where I was both physically and psychologically, I would have taken any medication that reduced the odds of my death by as little as 1%. We went all in. I was now on three prescriptions desperately hoping that one would work and that I would start to get better.

Within minutes of us confirming that we would go with Dr. Shanti’s line of treatment, her husband Pravin dropped off all the medication for the three of us in neatly labelled Ziploc pouches. We promptly took our first doses before going to bed that night.

That night was the toughest night. My body wasn’t feeling good at all. I had now lost a sense of smell and taste completely. Repeated bouts of coughing incessantly made me feel like throwing up all the time. I had no appetite. I had lost 4 kgs in the week since I first felt an itch at the back of my throat. I struggled to sleep in a prone position since it isn’t how I normally sleep. I considered what I might pack if my Oxidation dropped and I needed to get admitted the next day. I had carried an Oximeter to bed that night. I wanted to stay on top of my oxidation levels should they drop suddenly.

I had read enough about a condition that afflicts some Covid patients called ‘happy hypoxia’ and it had scared me sufficiently to make me even more paranoid. I took my Oxidation over a dozen times through the night. On a couple of occasions, it began at 93, but with deep breathing in a prone position rose to 97 within the minute. I didn’t sleep much that night.

Day 10 – 2nd October 2020

I woke up feeling fatigued. I hadn’t slept much; my fever had been high, and my cough continued. The cough was particularly severe when I woke up and I would have these bouts where I would cough incessantly for 2-3 minutes. It felt like there was a significant amount of phlegm at the bottom of my throat, but the cough was a dry one. I also began to notice that I would feel breathless when I spoke a couple of sentences at a time. Raynah and my mother had stopped logging a temperature and their oxidation levels had been healthy throughout. It was particularly frustrating that the virus had singled me out for this special treatment.

I remember counting the pills I took that morning. I had 6 before breakfast and 12 after. I was throwing the proverbial kitchen sink at the problem. After downing all of them, I returned to the bed to try and sleep. I forgot to have my paracetamol that morning. The BBMP came to test the boys that morning.

I woke up at about 2:00 in the afternoon sweating profusely. My head was dripping with perspiration like it might after a lung busting rally on the tennis court on a summer morning. I hadn’t taken medication and my fever had broken. Surely that must be a good sign.

At 4:00 that evening I received a call from the hospital. I expected it was our usual doctor checking on my progress. It was a psychologist. I have never spoken to a psychologist in my life up to this point so I am not quite sure what to expect. From everything I have seen in the movies, I expect to do most of the talking.

Her first question explores my anxiety levels. I tell her that I am extremely anxious given that all six of us contracted the virus and I was the only one who got a knock out punch.

Her next set of questions explore my history of stress and hypertension. I assure that I don’t have any such conditions despite a family history of these ailments.

She offers me medication to handle my nightly ruminations as an SOS if I am unable to sleep. I am also advised to wear a rubber band around my wrist which I am to pull and release every time I notice I’m having negative thoughts.

I slept for the rest of the day and my fever dropped from its previous highs. I had recovered enough by the evening to enjoy a cup of tomato soup without fearing that I would throw it up.

Day 11 & 12 – October 3rd and 4th

Two very similar days. It felt like things were in the balance and could go either way.

The boys test results came in, and miraculously all three tested negative. A large number of people in the community including all our primary and secondary contacts tested negative as well. I didn’t know what to make of this. From everything that I had read, it was well past 10 days since the boys first got infected. Given they were asymptomatic with the exception of Dylan’s one day sickness they were probably virus free by the time we tested them. That’s the only plausible explanation for their negative tests.

None of us wake up hoping to spread a virus.

As a family we heaved a collective sigh of relief that we hadn’t inadvertently infected anyone else in the community. Looking back we are glad that we erred on the side of caution.

My fever continued to hover between 100F & 101F. I was measuring my blood oxidation almost every hour to stay on top of any potential drop. I had begun to take melatonin but that wasn’t helping me sleep any better. My respiratory rate had been closer to 19 per minute, above my normal 17 per minute rate in the run up to the sickness.

The cough continued though I was now regaining my sense of small and taste. My appetite also began to return in a big way and I had a hearty meal after a long time. It wasn’t that the food wasn’t tasty over the previous week, I just couldn’t get myself to eat more than the bare minimum to be able to take all my medication.

Day 13 to 18 – October 5th to October 12th

What a tremendous relief it was to wake up without a fever finally. I concluded that the body had fought the virus successfully. That closed one potentially dangerous chapter and opened another equally threatening one – would a cytokine storm follow? An excessive immune response can also do damage to your body in several ways. While the cytokine storm begins in the lungs it can quickly spread to other parts of the body leading to a variety of complications.

This period was also filled with anxiety waiting to see if there was any googly along the recovery path. While the fever was gone, the residual dry cough was now being treated with a steroid. The doctor’s view was that the lungs would take between 3 to 6 months to repair the damage the virus had done. I would have to do an X Ray a month later to make sure that the repair was headed in the right direction.

As a matter of abundant precaution, I continue to track my blood oxidation every few hours. I know for certain that I’m no longer Covid +ve, but I’m not out of the woods yet. A statin and a blood thinner will hopefully cut the risk of a heart attack and a stroke (both run in the family!). A battery of other supplements like Zinc, Vitamin C & D etc. will reduce the internal inflammation and help the body recover faster. The path back from this disease is a slow one and I’m learning to be patient with myself. In a strange way, I am more aware of every breath that I take.

Day 19 - Today 13th October 2020

I still haven’t accepted that the risk level we signed up for resulted in the whole family getting infected. Worse still, the failure to identify the source and the limited immunity that you have even after contracting it means that we live in fear of the family getting it again. Looking back, I ask myself what I would have done differently!

1. We should have gotten tested earlier: It helped that we quarantined as a family as soon as Dylan experienced tiredness for a day, but we all should have gotten tested earlier. The assumption that our limited contact with the external world made it impossible for us to contract Covid was a wrong one. If anyone in the family gets a fever or cough going forward, we will test at once.

2. We should have prepared better from a knowledge perspective: Raynah did a great job preparing for Covid. We have had the sanitizers, household disinfectants, plastic gloves, disposable masks etc. for over 6 months before we got sick. We weren’t prepared however with the right knowledge. It is very disorienting to get different directions from well-intentioned doctors and choose a course of action when you can’t look after yourself! We were very fortunate to have Shanti share literally the latest research (published on the 28th of September!) in the US with us. We will have a small Covid medication kit at home updated for the latest clinical trials going forward.

3. We should have had a plan in the event of testing positive: I was in denial even after the test results came in. I still spend a lot of my waking time retracing everyone’s movements in the run up to the first instance of fatigue in the family. Thinking through what you will do should you test positive is easier when you aren’t positive. We have a plan of action should anyone test positive again in the family.

We are grateful that we didn’t infect anyone, and that the limited set of people we had contact with all tested negative as part of the contact tracing protocol. Without knowing for sure who got infected first and where the infection came from, there is no way of knowing anything for certain.

Having been through this ordeal, what advice would I offer you?

Take this virus very seriously. For many it might pass without them even realizing that had it. For a few however it can literally mean a life and death situation in a matter of a week if you ignore it. Take all the precautions you can. I saw this Swiss Cheese analogy on the internet from Dr. Ian M Mackay that made a lot of sense to me. We took all the precautions but the virus still reached our respiratory tract!

As I lay awake one night struggling to breathe, coming to terms with the new prone sleeping position I asked myself what kind of gambler I might be if I was gambling with my life.

If someone gave me the chance to roll a wheel with a 2% chance of dying, would I take it?

The answer is a resounding ‘No’!

If there’s one piece of advice that you take away from reading this piece let it be this – go to great lengths to protect yourself and your family from this virus. The only thing you have any control over is the risk level you expose yourself to. Once you contract the virus you are pretty much at the mercy of the virus and no one can predict what happens next. It is entirely a matter of chance!

It can pass without you even noticing you had it. Ask Aidan and Ethan.

It can knock you out for a few hours. Ask Dylan.

It can be no more severe than a common flu. Ask Ray and my mom.

It can leave you breathless, with damaged lungs and a residual pneumonia. Ask me.

It can kill you. Ask anyone who has lost a friend or loved one to the disease.

The science is still approximate with new cocktails and regimes of medication being added to clinical trials every day across the world. Do everything you can to minimize the odds of getting the virus, cut every possible surplus contact. Mask up and maintain physical distancing.

#covidquarantine #covid_19 #covid

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undeademoprincess · 7 years

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82 Truths

rules: once you’ve been tagged you’re supposed to write a post with eighty-two truths and then tag twenty-five people.

tagged by @hoseokjinns bruh this has been sitting in my drafts for how many eons????

name: Dawn blood type: b nickname(s): Celeste (cousins mainly) and then anything else is adding an e or i sound to the end of my name (tho i have noticed dawners is a frequent name) r/s: dead inside zodiac sign: libruh pronouns: she\her favorite tv shows: dude, i havent seen any tv shows since i was 8, that was well over a decade ago. i collect the dvd/blurays of tv shows but not often. my mother and i are really into futurama but other than that its usually animes that i collect long or short hair: literally lopped my hair off myself like 3 days ago height: 5′5″ do you have a crush on someone: if fictional characters count then yes, the husband list keeps growing and i need another closet to shove them in but real life im fighting a “battle” what do you like about yourself: i have yet to be called annoying or that im an ass to those i love and i support them with all i can, so ive got that going for me right or left handed: right, tho i am ambidextrous over weird ass shit. like gymnastics im left dominate in??? idfk either man list of three favourite colors: literally any color associated with fall/autumn and ill be a happy camper

right now: eating: just ate a cracker that had peanut butter on it cause im munchin hard drinking: sweet h2o man i’m about to: probably go to bed or i might work on my drafts for my writing blog, havent decided yet listening to: a mix about cats, love, breakfast and being tired by in love with a ghost (on youtube) kids: hell no, unless i know i can support the damn thing with all i can while living comfortably along with someone i KNOW wont leave both me and the kid and help me then maybe, but its still a really strong no. pets are fam tho, so technically i have like 5 kids already get married: down for that, annoying someone all the time as a “job” sounds fun, especially if we get late night adventures and do weird ass cooking class shit for fun. ITS IN THE CONTRACT YA KNOW career: i really want to travel the world and get paid to do so, but at my own pace

most recent: drink: water????? idk what you want from me man im a thirsty hoe for livin phone call: been on discord all day today with 2 of my best friends and listening to music with my bot the other half on it song you listened to: lauv reforget (literally just came on)

have you ever: dated someone twice: no been cheated on: nope, and im not the type to let them get away with it if they ever did kissed someone and regretted it: no lost someone special: yes been depressed: yes, began at a very young age due to the death of my father. literally had a midlife crisis when i was 4 cause of his death been drunk and thrown up: hell no kissed a stranger: no had glasses or contacts: glasses had sex on the first date: no, not really my thing broken someone’s heart: i think so, never really ask how they felt about it afterwards turned someone down: yuuuup cried when someone died: yes fallen for a friend: mmmmm, not really??? i usually crush on an acquaintance and my friends drag them in and somehow become friends later???

in the last year have you: made a new friend: uuuuuh, maybe 3??? i dont like leaving my house nor do i like wasting my time on strangers, especially if theyre rude fallen out of love: yeah laughed until you cried: many times, MANY FUCKING TIMES met someone who changed you: uh, i think so??? idk, i kinda find my own flow in life and people either respect it and enjoy the ride with me or fight it, and i dont have the energy to deal with pointless shit found out who your true friends were: ooooh yeah found out someone was talking about you: humans talk, its natural. i dont really do anything but i can see why someone WOULD talk shit if thats what this is asking about kissed someone on your fb list: ew no

which is better: lips or eyes: eyes hugs or kisses: hugs, i like being warm shorter or taller: both have pros and cons romantic or spontaneous: both? both sensitive or loud: idk what the fuck this is asking about but if its about being around people who are loud or sensitive then neither, im sensitive to headaches so loud people irritate me and trigger the pain and ive had bad experiences in person with sensitive people where they dont leave me alone and wind up stalking me???? i love being alone so neither hookup or relationship: relationship troublemaker or hesitant: one can be kinda fun but also a pain in the ass if they get you into trouble a lot and the other might not be as constantly fun per say but at least you shouldnt be in trouble as often

first: best friend: Samantha surgery: thankfully nothing yet sport i joined: badminton vacation: everything my parents did was while i was literally an infant soooooo yeah, greaaaaat memories

do you believe in: yourself: not all the time, but i rely on myself more than anyone else. i dont trust anyone for shit when i know damn well i can do it myself and know that if something goes wrong i myself fucked it up and can probably fix my mistake miracles: yes and no, i believe theres a reason for things to happen the way they do, and there are times i see it as miracles love at first sight: i believe in attraction at first sight, not immediately seeing someone soul or some shit heaven: im more for reincarnation and spiritual aspects in life and death

extras: how many people from your fb list do you know irl: 90% of them do you have any pets: im not counting my outside pets because there are too many to even keep track of to count so my children are 5 cats, toto my conure, oz my dog, tubby my gecko, and a beta fish and a catfish do you want to change your name: if i ever did, which i dont want to do, it’d be either Celeste or Aurora (my mom actually debated on calling me aurora after like the disney princess if you will and funny enough shes always been my favorite princess) what did you do for your last birthday: 2 of my friends kidnapped me and took me to dinner and we drove around and looked at interesting things. this years its during ren faire and im so damn happy what time did you wake up today: 9 pm. im sick atm and its really fucking up my sleep schedule what were you doing last night at midnight: just got out of a call with one of my best friends and sat on my own server for a bit chillin with my music bot before my other best friend joined my after like SIX HOURS, DAMN YOU SIMON something you can’t wait for: ren faire, getting married cause then i get to sweater slap someone and get away with it, and being comfortably happy in life last time you saw your mom: a few hours ago? i went to the kitchen to get my cat to love on her and saw her then what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i had more determination to see things through and not be scared to take the leaps to see it through have you ever talked to a person named tom: i worked in retail, so probably what’s getting on your nerves: a lot of things, mainly petty things. kinda wanna cut a toxic person out of my life but we all know thats easier said than done especially seeing how he talks to literally all of the people i talk with on a daily basis save one soul and he treated her like shit when he talked to her sooo yeah, dunno wtf is his problem but im tired of being the object of his frustration and anger, idk how the rest of my friends deal with his shit but im just so damn DONE

man im not taggin 25 people. if youd like to tag me as a “i found it from so and so” then go for it man, let youre dreams run free friend. im just a lazy sack of shit and am tired and im amazed im still up and that its TAKEN ME A MILLION DAMN YEARS TO DO THIS IM SO SORRY LEANNE

#my post #tagging meme

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every-day-outdoors · 6 years

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1-4 March 2019

Holy hell - what a weekend!! Redemption!! We had been debating what we wanted to do for spring break for weeks, and weather was not playing in our favor. But at the last minute, Bri suggested rafting the Salt River near Globe. It was where they went a few weeks ago (the one I couldn’t get on) and we were told we could use the rafts for a personal trip!

So Bri, Daniel, Clif, Patrick, and myself bought permits and robbed food from OA. The best trips are the ones that are pulled together at the last minute, of course.

Come Friday, we skipped our classes and pulled gear together, incredibly excited for the whitewater gar that awaited us. We left in the early afternoon, in our separate cars. Also, Jill tagged along at the last minute! We were stoked to have her! Patrick and I, Bri and Dan, and Clif and Jill a few hours behind. Great music and even better conversations for the ride.

The four of us got to our put in camp (at the junction of the Salt and US Hwy 60), and Pat and Dan left to go set shuttle while Bri and I set up what we could, and played cards waiting for Clif and Jill to arrive with the rest of the gear. Once they did, we set up the rafts and got the gear together. By the time Pat and Dan got back, we were almost completely done. So, naturally, beers were cracked, and cards were played for hours and hours into the night. The best games were Asshole and Bullshit. It was great to tell Clif to drink for a dumb pun, or to get Pat back from a previous round, or when we would all gang up on someone only for it to backfire in the next round when they became the president and made us all drink relentlessly. Eventually, we all went to bed, sides aching from laughter, stumbling over ourselves, and looking up at the stars from our sleeping bags.

Next morning, we got up easy, had an oatmeal coffee breakfast, and brought our gear down to the put in on the Salt. We had 2 oars boats and Daniel’s shredder (El Torrito!!) Right away, I was on the oars with Clif behind me, coaching me through it. I had about 3 minutes to practice with the oars before we were immediately in a rapid. Boy howdy. That was a time. I barely got us through it. My adrenaline was pumping and I was scared. Made it though. I stayed on the oars and was Very Slowly getting the hang of the oars. But man, it was hard.

I had one really sad thought while going down the river. “Can I do this? Can I raft this summer? Am I gonna have to go back to camp?” It was a very quick, short, and depressing thought. In that moment, I was exhausted and incredibly frustrated. I would do one thing, expecting something, and getting the complete opposite. I could not get the hang of it. I didn’t understand the pointing towards the danger then pulling away. I didn’t get the difference between pushing and pulling and its effect on the boat. I could get the boat bow on in a rapid. I was just so fuckin disheartened. And I had that thought. Honestly, I’m ashamed that I did. Why did I get so put down so quickly? I immediately recognized this and thought about it a bit longer - this was my second time rafting. why should I expect myself to be good at this right away? No one is! I cannot get so discouraged so easily! - So after that I reflected within myself and felt renewed. Then I started to get the hang of it. I would talk thought literally everything I was doing. I was talking through and saying out loud everything going through my head, and if I was wrong Clif would gently correct me. As I headed into the rapids, things were going well and I was getting it. It felt amazing. When things got too spicy, I could ask Clif for beta, or if I felt bad about something, I could call his name and he would slide down into the chair and navigate. One time during a rapid I fell doing into the boat, out of the seat, and I head Clif, like the voice of god, calmly say from behind me, “back up into the seat.” The motivation and reminder I needed lol! Throughout day 1, I was able to work through mostly Class II and a couple Class III rapids. We had lunch at a sandy eddy, drank a few beers, and relaxed. It started drizzling but it was kinda whatever - we were wet anyway!

Afterwards, we headed onto the water again, towards the next rapid, The Ledges (III-IV). I was feeling nervous as I oared towards the series of big holes. Clif reminded me from behind, “You need to take this bow on. Punch through each hole.” I understood, and pushed toward the growing sound of rushing and crashing water. We met the first hole, and I punched through, taking them on one by one. But then the last hole, the big fucking mama. I pushed the oars, attempting to push through the waves, getting tired. At the last second, I realized I push just a hair too hard with my right oar. This tilted us just enough so we weren’t bow on. And we didn’t punch through. The next 10 seconds were some of the scariest I’ve felt in a while: I felt our gear boat get sucked backwards, water rushing in the back. I tried to pull back into my seat, and the oar keeper broke. At that moment, I knew we were getting fucked. I cried out, “clif HELP!” But Clif was hanging out the back, having been bucked off. I pushed and pushed, filling with dread, afraid of losing the boat or swimming. Clif scrambled into the seat, “START BAILING!” I grab the bucket, and Clif (a goddamn master of the water, I’m pretty sure he’s the son of Poseidon) starts working us out of danger. We made it out, and oared away.

I was SHAKEN. My heart was racing and I just had to collect myself and sit behind Clif, letting him paddle for a bit. After about 20 min of debriefing, learning from mistakes, and calming down, I got back on the oars. The rest of the day, I continued on, working through what I could and taking that experience and putting it towards every following rapid.

Finally, at the end of the day, a little bit past Gleason Flats, we got to camp. It was a beautiful, fairy-like, grassy field. Once we got into warm clothes, we built a fire, made some margaritas, and made camp calzones over the stove. After plenty of drinks, story telling, and laughter, we fell asleep.

Day 2! Today, we played musical boats. I was on El Torrito with Dan, Pat and Bri were on the small oar boat, and Clif and Jill were on the big oars. We would be taking on some big class rapids today. A bunch of Class IV and Class III stuff. After a pancake breakfast we packed up and geared up the boats. Not gonna lie, I was nervous at the prospect of taking on Class IVs in the shredder. We would be way more exposed and susceptible to the waves. More chance of swimming, which is not ideal for IVs. We would scout each one, but it was still intimidating. Nevertheless, we were in it, and headed towards Eye of the Needle (III-IV). Bring it on. And boy did we. We made it through, navigating the massive ledge and even bigger hole. We punched through on the nimble torrito and were stoooked. My nervousness dissipated as we headed towards rapid after rapid, until we got to the next IV: Black Rock.

At this point, we got out and scouted it. Dan and I arrived a couple minutes after the others, and we passed their two oars boats tied up to get to ours. I started scrambling towards the lookout, when I head Pat and Bri shouting down to Dan and I frantically. I had no idea what was going on, until I looked over my shoulder and saw a boat. AN OAR BOAT. CLIFS GEAR BOAT. It had somehow loosed from its bowline, and was headed towards the Class IV. We had an unintentional ghost boat. I ran up to the lookout to watch the expected carnage. I realized that Clif was gone - he had immediately scrambled down the rock face, towards the rapid, incredibly fast. Bri, Dan, Pat, Jill, and I all watched as the boat floated towards the rock, sideways (where Clif had just remarked, “dear god don’t hit it sideways or you’re done.”). “It’s fucked.” But at the last possible second, by some act of the gods, the boat teed up! It hit the rapid straight on! Made it through! And before we knew it, we saw Clif jumping off a cliff (heheh) into the water, and he swam into the boat, and eddied it. We all whooped and hollered! No lost boat today!! Well, now it was our turn. My heart was racing as we got into the boat, Dan and I fist bumped, and we had our line picked out. And we ran it. Perfectly! I was getting the hang of the shredder now. We continued on through a few IIs and IIIs over the next few hours, enjoying ourselves. The Maze (IV) ran next, and again, Daniel and I nailed it. We only had 2 more IVs left for the trip.

But these last two were the big mamas of the river. Quartzite Falls immediately followed by Corkscrew. We rocked up the Quartzite, and sized it up. Dan and I picked a line, knowing that the big fall into a hole and rooster tail was not ideal for our lil boat. I had a pit in my stomach, but we had a plan and we were gonna do it. We were the last ones to send it, as we were the most likely to swim (el torrito can only do so much for us), so the other two boats were waiting at the bottom, before the start of Corkscrew. Dan and I headed into it, albeit not as confident as we would have liked. We started a hair too far right (towards the giant hole), but narrowly missed the hole. We dug our paddles in furiously, trying to pull away from the hole and the rooster tail. My side of the boat got jostled and I slipped into the boat. I quickly got up, but in the mayhem, that movement unbalanced me, and the next wave we hit launched me out of the side of the boat, and like a teeter totter Dan went out the other side. Now we were both swimmers. This was the moment I had been afraid of for so long. As I first went under, there was a moment of “oh shit” but immediately after that, time slowed down, and I went full zen. It felt like an eternity of being underwater, but I was not afraid, I was just ready to surface, whenever that would be. I plugged my nose, recognized that I still had my paddle in hand, and that I was moving towards light and sound. I surfaced! Immediately, I looked around and saw my boat. I swam towards it, and grabbed on. I tried to haul myself up in, but realized that would take too long, and I was quickly approaching Corkscrew. Priority, get out of the current. I saw Dan, “It’s okay, we’re fine.” That calmed me slightly. Apparently, as he swam towards me, I had a look on my face of “absolute determination.” I pulled the boat sideways out of the current, towards the bank above Corkscrew towards a waiting Bri and Patrick. I erupted in a “yeewww!!” of joy, which Bri responded to int he same way. I was full of adrenaline, stoked that I survived my first swim. A Salt River baptism. Clif joined us, and we all had a minute of chattering away about what had just occurred before we refocused on Corkscrew below us. After looking, Clif went ahead with Jill and sent it. Dan and I were next, full of stoke. We absolutely rocked it. It was one of the longest rapids and I could feel myself tiring near the end but we pulled through, ecstatic that we survived a day of Class IVs in the shredder. The next hour was spent paddling downriver, drinking and crushing cans until we got just past Horseshoe Bend and made camp on a hard rock outcropping.

We all tied off the boats, got out of our wet clothes, made a solid fire, and started on dinner. As I was chopping veggies, Dan was cutting up limes. I asked, “ooh are the limes for margaritas?” And Dan enthusiastically responded, “yeah, and the shots you and I are about to take.” And that really set us up for the evening. We all managed to crush several shots each and overall an entire bottle of tequila. It was another solid night spent will full bellies, endless laughter, and the feeling of absolute success as we laid out under the Milky Way and slept well.

The next day was our final day on the river. This day would be short, and easy peasy. Unfortunately, we had gone through all of our beer. But fortunately, we still had knockoff Bailey’s to throw in our coffee. After the easy morning, we loaded up for the last time, again playing musical boats. This time, it was Dan and Bri in the shredder, Clif and Jill in the big oar boat, and Patrick and I in the smaller oar boat. Patrick and I switched off oaring every once in a while, taking on Class IIs as we talked and talked among other things. I was super happy to be back on the oars and to have Patrick being positive and supportive as I worked through the rapids. Hooray for confidence on oars! After a few hours of a slow float down river, I was oaring us towards our pullout. Here, it is crucial to not miss the pullout because the is no other option afterward expect for a waterfall (to definitely NOT go over!). As we pulled up, I would feel the current working against what I wanted. Everyone was on shore, calling out to Patrick and I in support and cheers. And I absolutely NAILED IT. I finessed the boat exactly where I wanted it to go, and was gassed the fuck up after I did so. Dan remarked that no one would be able to guess it was only my second river trip ever, I did so well. One of the greatest compliments ever.

Pat, Dan, and Clif left Jill, Bri, and me to unrig and breakdown gear while they left to get our shuttle cars. Jill was pretty much there for moral support as Bri and I cranked it out, working hard and eating spoonfuls of leftover spaghetti out of the pot every so often. But she did surprise us with a could minis of Tito’s! So Bri and I had margaritas to help us out! After about 3 hours of hard work, the boys came back, and with beer! I played my throwback playlist over a speaker and we all jammed out and destroyed the entire 18 pack in about 30 minutes. Bri and I went hard (lol we weren’t the ones driving) and were sufficiently feelin it by the time we loaded up in the cars to go to Judy’s, a lil diner in Globe.

We were all so slap happy and loving life that that old rundown diner seemed like the most perfect place in the world. Our laughter could be heard probably from down the street. At the table, before our food came out, we all went through mountain, valley, flower as a reflection of the weekend and all we accomplished. At the end of it all, we felt incredibly happy to be with one another, and an air of content surrounded us. We paid our bills, and started the drive back home.

After a super great drive home (*ahem*), we got to OA and worked as a team to get the gear squared away. We finished up, did a shoutout circle (Pat, Bri, Dan, and I did) and went our separate ways home, still feeling the rocking of the boats as we slept.

Highlights and good things: New hozier music came out for the car ride up! Drunken card games on night one. “drinkassholedrinkassholedrinkasshole!!!” Puns for dayssss. Three 30-racks and a bottle of tequila! Getting the hang of oars on day 1. Star tripping!! Bringing bocce balls and not actually playing it ever. Clif pulling a Jack Sparrow run and scramble to get his boat. “This looks questionable to me!” “This is sub-optimal!”. PBR at the pullout. At Judy’s, twerking in the bathroom, drunk as shit with Bri. Clif: “I hope that my kids are like you guys someday.”

Learning oars. Everything I could about them. Pulling is stronger than pushing, taking things at an angle, pulling away from danger, spin to win, bow on, punch through, its a game of chess so plan 3 moves ahead, don’t get stuck in the present or the past, focus on what’s coming.

I can guide this summer. I am more than capable, and I am strong enough to face the challenges and amazing times this summer will bring.

#white water rafting #camping #personal trip #Salt River #Globe #Arizona

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collegeemt3 · 8 years

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Prose Journal 4

Prompt: You come home late at night, after a hard day. The message light on the answering machine is blinking. You press play and listen. Choose one of the following messages as your starting point: (through tears): Some maniac at the school cafeteria laced the tomato soup with poison this morning.

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“Nick, I know this isn’t your particular area of expertise, but Keeley needs someone to stay with her here at the hospital, and I absolutely cannot take any more time off of work. As soon as you get this please call me back. This could be your chance to prove to Keeley that you really do love her. And she wants to see you. She wants you. Please Nick. She needs you. You need her.” The machine clicks and then recites an irrelevant date and time in a mechanical voice. I look at my watch and sigh deeply. 1300 hours. I still haven’t showered. I haven’t even changed out of my uniform yet. I fumble for my phone on my belt amidst the glove pouch and my Leatherman Raptor, aka the best pair of trauma shears ever. I scroll through my contacts until I locate Holly, and then tap the call button.

“Nick, thank god you called me back. I have to be at work by four. I need you to get to the hospital as soon as possible so that I can tell you everything before I have to leave.” Her voice is rushed and sounds manic. I feel her panic through her voice.

“Holly, just pause for a moment. Take a deep breath.”

“Don’t tell me to pause, Nick! My child, your child, was poisoned! You should be freaking out just like I am!”

“Holly, you need to calm down. If you’re panicking then you’re not going to be thinking clearly like you need to be, like Keeley needs you to be. Can you do that? Can you do that for Keeley?” I hear her take a deep breath. “Thank you, Holly. Of course I’ll come to the hospital to be with Keeley, but I can’t come right now.”

An exasperated sigh from Holly, and then, “Of course you can’t come right now. What’s your excuse this time, Nick?”

“I just got home from work. I need to take a shower, change, get some food, and then I can be there.”

“How long?”

“I can be there around fourteen-thirty.”

“English, Nick, English.”

“Sorry. About two-thirty.” Another exasperated sigh.

“Okay. You better be there this time, Nick. I don’t think Keeley will make it through one more let-down…”

“I know. I’ll be there.” I end the call, and let loose another deep, lung-filling sigh. Dragging my weary body up the stairs of my townhouse, I start to loosen my uniform, preparing for extrication. First, the undoing of the belt, then the removal of my shirt from my pants, followed by unbuttoning the shirt. I let my shirt drop to the floor at the foot of my bed before I sit down to unlace my boots. I push my feet out of my boots and then slide my duty pants to the floor. I can deal with my uniform when I get back from the hospital, whenever that may be. I may have to call out of work for a couple of days. I normally try not to, but this is something that’s worth it. Way more than worth it. I trudge to the shower in my socks, underwear, and undershirt. I look in the mirror briefly, grimacing slightly at the deep purple bags under my eyes and gruff five o’clock shadow. No time to shave, though. And Holly always liked me a little bristly anyways.

I hurry through a lukewarm shower, doing my best to scrub away the grime from my calls. I throw on some clean clothes, step into a pair of sneakers, grab a jacket, and head back to my out to my car. I run through the list in my head of fast food places between here and the hospital. I’d rather have something healthier, but right now I don’t have much time. It’s already 1330, and it’s about forty-five minutes from here to the hospital that Keeley will have been taken to. I want quick, delicious, and semi-nutritious. I’m kind of craving Cook-out, but that’s not the most nutritious thing I could eat. Subway would probably be the healthiest, but it’s a little bit more out of the way than I would like. I guess I will give in to my cravings this afternoon.

I pull up to the drive-through and place my usual order: a cook-out tray of two hot dogs – ketchup only – with fried okra and chicken nuggets for sides, and a chocolate, strawberry, and banana milkshake. I pay the expected $6.67, collect my food and shake, and then head toward the highway to hospital. I wind my way through the early afternoon traffic, searching for the right exit for the hospital. I find it, clamber off the interstate, and navigate to the hospital.

Once I figure out the parking, I head into the massive building ahead of me, ready to try to figure out the maze of the hospital. I manage to locate an information desk. I approach the desk, looking at the receptionist with a tired but warm smile.

“How may I help you, sir?” she chirps.

“I’m looking for my daughter, Keeley Smith.”

“Is she a patient?”

“She was brought in early this afternoon. One of the victims of the school lunch poisoning.”

“She’ll be in the pediatric ICU then. That will be in the North wing, third floor. Give me one moment and I can look up the bed number.” She clatters away on her keyboard for a moment, then announced the bed number. “She’s in bed number forty-two.” She looks up at me expectantly for a moment, but I’m still a little confused. I’m not sure how to get there. She sees the slight confusion on my face, then continues into some directions. “Go down this hallway to your left, the right all the way at the end, which will lead to a small band of elevators. Take one up to the third floor, and the pediatric ICU will be to the right of the elevators.”

“Thank you,” I respond with a grateful smile. I follow her directions, and walk into a hospital unit with paintings of nursery rhymes on the walls, their attempt at cheering up the otherwise sterile atmosphere. I look around for a moment, orienting myself to the direction of the room numbers. I stroll down the hallway until I come to forty-two. I know slowly on the door frame, and then step into the room.

Keeley looks sleepy and pretty out of it, hooked up to machines and IVs, laying, lethargic, in a child-sized hospital bed. As she looks to see who entered the room, her eyes light up a smidgeon with recognition and delight. “Daddy!” Her voice is quiet and raspy, but I can feel her excitement. Holly’s sitting in a chair next to the bed, tired and strung-out. She looks up at me when she hears Keeley call out to me.

“Nick, you’re here. You’re actually here.” A look of disbelief crosses her face. It’s quickly chased away by fleeting admiration, though. I place my food down on a small table in the corner of the room, and approach Keeley. I bend over, give her a kiss on top of her head, and a gentle squeeze on the shoulder.

“How you holdin’ up, kiddo?”

“I’m tired, Daddy.”

“I know, baby girl. It’s okay to sleep.” She shakes her head, a look of fear crossing her face. “What’s the matter?”

“I can’t sleep,” she mumbles as her bottom lip starts to quiver.

“Why not, sweetie?”

“The monsters. They come for me when I’m asleep.” A few tears start rolling down her cheeks, and I know that she’s truly terrified by whatever’s haunting her dreams.

“Tell you what. You try to go to sleep. Any monsters that try to come and take you, I’ll fight them off. I’ll make sure you stay safe. Does that sound good?” She nods her head, reaching out her small hand, stuck with a needle, to mine, seeking safety. I cup her hand in mine, looking at my beautiful little daughter in wonder, thinking about how much I’ve been missing. She falls off into a deep sleep almost immediately, her small body working hard to overcome the foreign substance in her body.

I meet Holly at the end of the bed, and she starts whispering to me. “The doctors aren’t sure if the nightmares are a side effect of the poison or the antidote they’re trying. She’s so terrified of them, though, that she’s not getting the sleep she needs, which is making it harder for her to pull through.” Her body language is closed off, suggesting that she’s trying to not let me get to close to her. But her eyes betray her. Her eyes show the longing for the fiery, passionate relationship we once had. I reach an arm around her waist, guiding her to me, and she breaks down into my shoulder. “I miss you, Nick. Keeley misses you. We need you. We want you back, but things have to change if you’re going to come back.”

“I know,” I whisper into her ear. “I want to come back. I’m tired of missing everything in my little girl’s life. I’m tired of coming home to an empty place. I’ll talk to my supervisor once we make it through this, okay. See what strings I can pull. I’m tired of working all the time. If we both go to part-time instead of one of us full-time, I think we can still make it work, and have time for a family.”

“Thank you, Nick. You need this, I need this. Keeley needs this. But right now I need to head out to work. All the information I’ve been given so far is in that folder over there.” She motions to a folder on the table next to the chair she was curled up in. “Take some time to read through everything, and call me with updates whenever you get new information.” I nod my head. I pull her fully against my body, squeezing her into a hug.

“We’ll get through this, Holly. I promise. Right now, you need to get to work. And then you need to go home and get some rest. I don’t want you coming back here until you’ve had a solid night’s sleep, a good hot meal, and a relaxing shower. I can hold down the fort here for a while.”

“Yes sir, Mr. Paramedic.” I give her one last gentle squeeze before releasing her. Once she’s left the room, I grab my food from the corner table and move it over to the table next to the chair. I scarf down my food as I read through the entire folder. As soon as I’m finished I clean up my trash, and then go and sit on the edge of Keeley’s bed, gently scooping her into my arms. I cradle her small, seven year old body against my chest, and fall asleep, perched on the edge of the bed, my little girl in my arms.

#CCW

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original-violence · 8 years

Text

It took me 2 days to do this. Christ.

RUDE.

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up. History’s Stranglers - The Bronx Sun/Rise/Light/Flies - Kasabian Promenade - Street Sweeper Social Club Fistful of Steel - Rage Against The Machine WW III - KMFDM Que No Te Hagas Bobo Jacobo - Molotov

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Probably flea or Anthony Kiedis

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. ‘As a creative thinker I think he’s brilliant and i feel very lucky to have got to meet him’

4) What do you think about most? Work/My anxiety/Food.. probably just a general mix of those things.

5) Ever had a poem or song written about you? Dont fink so. Unless stuff i has written about myself counts.

6) Do you have any strange phobias? Not anything strange, just like.. spiders n stuff.

7) What's your religion? Agnostic i guess.

8) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? Going to/from work or to/from getting food somewhere. I have an exciting life.

9) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? Red Hot Chili Peppers, always.

10) What was the last lie you told? ‘Nah im good’ (someone at work who is bad at making tea offered to make me a tea, i was appreciative but they’re real bad.)

11) Do you believe in karma? I mean, it would be nice for such a ‘force’ like that to exist, but it really doesn’t and it’s a shame.

12) What does your URL mean? It’s a lyric from a Slipknot song.

13) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? Weakness: Probably my anxiety, it makes me unreasonably stressed at most times in my life and it makes everything very difficult. My strength is probably my desire to prove myself to literally everyone around me, it makes me work really really hard at everything i do.

14) Who is your celebrity crush? Hmmmmm Alison Brie at the moment.

15) How do you vent your anger? I don’t really get angry to be honest, when i do i just keep it at a level that i can deal with inside before acting on it.

16) Do you have a collection of anything? Mmmmmmmmnope, i have more than 100 video games, i guess that counts as a collection.

17) Are you happy with the person you've become? I will be. Im slowly getting there, there are just a couple more things left to sort out.

18) What's a sound you hate; sound you love? I hate most sounds that wake me up. Aaaand i love the sound of rain when against windows/umbrellas

19) What's your biggest "what if"? What if i would have stuck it out when i was at school? Would i have gotten any good grades? Would i have gone to uni? Would i have just become more overwhelmed than i was and have gone through with a suicide attempt like i was planning? (that got deep, sozza)

20) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Mmmmmm, lets go with.... No and Yes.

21) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. Right arm, my computer and left arm, my mic stand.

22) Smell the air. What do you smell? Paella, i didn’t finish my dinner.

23) What's the worst place you have ever been to? Uhh, Nothing really springs to mind to be honest. There are places that would make me have anxiety but that doesnt make them bad places.

24) Most attractive singer/s of your opposite gender? Literally no one is coming to mind. Sorry, im way too tired to be doing this haha. --AT THIS POINT I STARTED FALLING ASLEEP AND WENT TO BED, THE REST OF THIS WAS WRITTEN TODAY--

25) To you, what is the meaning of life? I think at some point in life, everyone at some single point (maybe multiple points) saves another life. Whether it be ER nurses or just having a meaningful conversation with someone and changing their outlook, i think the meaning of live is to help and support other lives.

26) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? I do not.

27) What was the last movie you saw? Uhhhh American Ultra.

28) What's the worst injury you've ever had? Man i dont know, ive broken my nose and most of my fingers and toes but thats about as worse as i have had it.

29) Do you have any obsessions right now? I’ve started playing rocket league again and its the only game i have played for 3 days.

30) Ever had a rumor spread about you? Not that i know of!

31) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? Yeahhhh, 100% yes, sometimes it’s important and those people deserve it man.

32) What is your astrological sign? Capricorn

33) What's the last thing you purchased? I bought some new glasses today. Im really hoping they arrive by the end of the week, otherwise im gonna get headaches all the damn time.

34) Love or lust? Obviously contextually dependent, but love is pretty damn cool.

35) In a relationship? N’aw

36) How many relationships have you had? Obviously some have been more serious than others but like... around 8 or so i guess

37) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? I mean, in a general sense, i like making people laugh, if someone likes me because of that, that’s their own damn problem.

38) Where is your best friend? Probably at home i would imagine.

39) What were you doing last night at 12 AM? I want to say sleeping but i was probably watching youtube videos.

40) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? Probably not, but that’s just because i hate myself..

41) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? Fuck my job, i couldn’t let a dog die. Also ‘ if you are late one more time’ I am NEVER late for work.

42) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? Shit, one month?! I would tell all my friends and family, i would tell people how i really feel about them (literally tell so many people how much they mean to me) and hell yeah i would be afraid. ‘One month’ is pretty vague, months have different lengths!

43) What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? Get up and jump - red hot chili peppers

44) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? Love, trust, loyalty and happiness.

45) How can I win your heart? Make me laugh. I fucking love laughing.

46) Can insanity bring on more creativity? ‘Insanity’ is a VERY loose term. It’s difficult to answer that.

47) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? “ becoming friends w/ me HOLLAAAAAAA “ - @ufo-squad

48) What would you want to be written on your tombstone? Something simple but nice i guess. OR something really dumb like ‘If you’re reading this, stop standing on me’

49) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word "heart." Emotion, working hard, giving something everything you can.

50) Basic question; what's your favorite color/colors? Anything similar to ‘1DF7D2′

51) What is your current desktop picture? I have a cycle of around 50 different backgrounds, despite the fact that i never really look at them.

52) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? Hmm, I don’t think i would want anyone to just explode, that would suck.

53) What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on? God, probably something about my emotions or the way i feel about people.

54) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? Shapeshifting would be awesome.

55) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? Hmmm, probably a really good gig that i had with my old bandmates, i really miss playing live music, so maybe one of the times we played at Jersey Live, they where fun.

56) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? Nahhh, fuck that, im a firm believer that everything happens for a reason in life so i woudn’t want to.

57) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? I am legit not interested in just sleeping with random people that i don’t know, the idea of it is awful to me.

58) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Australia, maybe L.A.

59) Ever been on a plane? I have.

60) Give me your top 5 hottest celebrities. Uhhhhhhhhh okay. Alison Brie Lauren Cohan Daisy Ridley Tom Hardy Kristen Stewart.

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jeonjagia · 5 years

Text

Under the Cover of Darkness- Chapter 4

Luna:

Suga:

I flinch when i hear the scream. Luna. whirling around, i peek out of our hiding place to see the entrance to their headwuarters.

"Suga," a voice calls my back to reality.

"I don't know. We have to get back to HQ,"

"But-"

"Suga,"

"Okay, lets go,"

***

Pushing past him, i let go of jin as he heads toward the meeting room. I sit down at he table and sigh.

"Wheres Luna?" a voice asks. I look up seeing Jungkook. "shes with andromeda. They- she's- she's being tortured," I strain. Jimin looks up suddenly, eyes wide.

"Suga-," he starts. "Jimin," Jungook says harshly. Jimin quiets, bowing his head back down as he picks his nails.

"How did this happen?" Jungkook asks sitting down at the table. I shake my head. "I don't know," i mutter.

"Jimin," Jungkook prods. Jimin clears his throat before answering.

"We were following the man, when some how we got separated, and by the time I got back to her she was being dragged away by V," he explains as he looks at me.

"Jimin,"

"I know, I know, I fucked up," he stresses. "I'm sorry!" he apologizes.

"We have to do something," RM says from leaning against the wall.

"Yes, and we will," Jungkook says standing up. "We need a plan."

I nod my head as I agree. I watch as they all gather to discuss how to get Luna out of Andromeda's grasp.

Andromeda:

I crouch outside the door listening to my sisters screams. People think that I enjoy listening to it. I do, to some extent. But from my sister- no. I wish I didn't have to do this, but one does what one needs to survive. I hope I get something out of doing this. We've ben at this for a year now, trying to one up each other. They do have more men than I do, but they don't have my brain. My goal for all of this is simply revenge. Just that. Show Yoongi I'm better than Luna, and to show that I should be in her place.

I would love to see the look on his face, the look of realization when I have killer her.

Jungkook:

I walk through the park, deep in thought. How will we get luna back? I realize that being Suga's wife has made a bigger affection for her than I realized. Shes grown on us, and has become a very talented fighter. I pick a park bench to sit on and think of a plan to rescue Luna. As I am lost in thought thinking about andromeda, speak of the devil, there she is, walking across the park with someone at her side. What is she doing? And who is she with? I ask myself, getting up from the bench. I follow them, hoping them to lead me to their HQ.

Hours pass and I have come up with nothing, nothing besides just walking in and demanding her. Looking down at the floor once more, I notice debris as well as paper and a broken pencil. Taking these things, I scribble instructions on them for my gang just in case I get taken as well. They'll be around here if I don't come back. I take my gun and leave it on top of the note so it doesn't blow away. That way hopefully they don't just shoot me. Standing up, I brush the dirt off my jeans and step out of the hole. The guard at the front entrance freezes at the sight of me. I hold up my hands, showing I have no weapon. I approach him and he looks warily at me. I stop in front of him and a few seconds pass before someone shoots me in the side.

Luna:

Jungkook's eyes rest on me, his gaze unchanged. V stops him before he can approach me.

"So, Jungkook," andromeda drawls out. "What do you want?"

"A trade," he replies, not looking at her, but keeping eye contact with me.

"Of what?"

"Luna, for information." Andromeda thinks for a minute before saying, "what kind?" her eyes gleam in the dark.

"Pricey information,"

"Fine," she says coming off the wall.

"There's a trade going on in the harbor for the drugs you are interested in." Jungkooks states plainly.

Andromeda thinks for a minute, deciding if he is speaking the truth.

"Take her and go," she barks. V lets Jungkook go and he crouches in front of me.

"Can you walk?" he asks me. I nod grabbing onto his shoulder to help myself up.

We exit the room, Jungkook leading me out down the hallway, and to the front.

As we walk out the door, I hear a voice. "Shoot her," it orders. Jungkook whirls around just in time for me to get shot in the side. I scream and crumple to the ground.

"What was that?!" Jungkook screams toward Andromeda and her men. Jungkook after getting no reply from her, crouches down to help me. I groan at his touch. His eyes look worried, but he too is bleeding as well.

He scoops me up and runs back to our HQ. How he can stand it from the pain, I have no idea.

"RM!!" he screams leaning against the door frame as he bangs on the metal door. The door bursts open revealing a wide-eyed RM. Pushing past him, Jungkook hurries toward the meeting room. Laying me down on the table he takes my jacket off and pulls my shirt up revealing my bullet wound. It is just a flesh wound, but it fucking hurts.

"Where is Suga?" Jungkook asks hurriedly as he organizes supplies to treat me.

"Out on a mission,"

"Okay, then someone has to hold her legs,"

"What why?"

"Why?! Because I have to get this bullet out of her side, that's why!" Jungkook yells at RM. He looks slightly hurt, but the urgency of the situation has him walking to the other side of the table. Rm takes hold of my arms and Jungkook orders Jhope to take hold of my legs.

It takes half an hour, with screaming and blood the bullet is out and I am sewed up. I thought I would pass out, but I did not. Now I can sleep, hoping that suga returns soon.

Jungkook:

I cover Luna with a blanket. She's so strong. My wound was not as severe as hers. Just some antiseptic and I'm okay. I sit heavily on one of the wooden chairs, sighing at the past few hours actions.

"Where is Jimin?" I ask rubbing my face. "I don't know, he left shortly after you left to get Luna," Jhope answers as he cleans the medical supplies.

"Just wondering," I reply to him. I'm not just wondering I have noted that his actions have been weird lately. Disappearing for days then following unsuccessful missions. He's suspicious. It's like he wants us to fail. A knock sounds and RM goes to answer it. A few minutes pass and Suga enters followed by RM. Suga's eyes fall on Luna, by the steels himself for now. I watch as he looks at each of the members, before asking, "where's Jimin?"

"Good question, where are you Jimin?" I say locking eyes with the glistening ones staring back down at me in the rafters. They soon disappear.

#bts yoongi #mafia au

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