#i am never more depressed than when im in this house and it gets worse everytime i return

[this-should-do]

venting dont mind me xp ✌

[getoutofmytardis]

insane that i’m the biggest disappointment of a child for smoking weed but the child that’s emotionally abusive is fine

[sanchoyo]

convinced the universe doesnt want me to finish nano bc on top of getting the flu at the start of the month, my (mysterious dead anime mom) illness flaring up out of nowhere for 2 days straight, and possibly having strep, i woke up today with my shoulder blade/dominant arm on FIRE with pain. out of nowhere! I didnt DO anything! I just SLEPT on it weird! what the hell . well I am Not Quitting Nano No matter What >:(

[itsmebytch001]

Hi! Can I request Yandere Morales family how each got to be how they are when reader was a cute wittle baby? Cause Reading all those fics it got me curious. Like each family member having a moment with her. Idk if it was already asked or you did something similar maybe im forgetting, ok im overdoing it- ok i will stop luv your fics!

Aaron was drowning, drowning in stress, in nappies and the new terrifying resonsisnlty of a human baby and all by himself. You were just sitting there, alone on the couch in your pink onesie wriggling around while Aaron cleaned the house, finally getting round to it after the first 2 months of your life the house had fallen into dissaray so much so even Jeff said it when he came to check up on him.

Jeff: "Jesus christ man, what the hell happened?" He said while observing the pig stie of a house he was living in, standing in the doorway.

Aaron: "I had a baby that's what" He responded collpased on the couch with you sitting acorss from them both in your high chair, playing with your dolls.

Jeff: "The dishes! There is a mountain of dishes! Who is even eating here?!"

Aaron: "UUuugggghhhhhh" He groaned into the couch cushion.

Jeff: "Where's Diana?" He asked about your Mom, he knew at this point she may had just left, again, maybe she'd come back maybe she wouldn't it made no diffrence to your care, to the house, to Aaron.

Now Aaron had never really wanted kids, he liked the idea of being an Uncle when Miles was born, but was okay with it stopping there, when he found out Diana, was pregnant he panicked, so much so he did approach her about abortion, she refused and he understood that, but what he didn't understand was, if she refused to have an abortion, why was she doing all the things you should never do while pregnant, she was smoking more then before, drinking eating an unusual amout of sushi, so much so Rio felt the need to remind her, she really can't be doing these things.

Rio: "Diana! You can't smoke youre Pregnant!" She whacked the cigeratte out her hand, and curshed it under her foot.

Diana: "Excuse me?"

Rio: "You could really hurt the baby! And your drinking, eating pork and what not, your hurting it!"

Diana: "How Dare you try and order me around, who the fuck do you think you are?"

Rio: "I am that baby's auntie, and right now it seems I care more about it, then you!"

And it as after that converatsion that Aaron was forbidden from seeing her, or Jeff for the final few months, and during that time Aaron was having to pour out wines down the drain and throwing away cigs behind her back, and when she caught him she would loose her mind.

Diana: "You are trying TO CONTROL ME"

Aaron:" Diana, You know You can't be drinking while pregnant you could fuck up the baby"

Diana: "I don't give a fuck, I'm not letting this thing control me, or YOU"

Aaron: "Diana, I'm not letting you drink in this damm house"

And after you were born, she refused to hold you, look at you and ceratinly not feed you with her breasts, the hospital said it was post partom depression, and it was. And it was harsh and crule on her, she of course needed rest afterwards, So Aaron inslisted the help of Rio with you, while Aaron took care of the house, but it was once Diana was up and about 'taking care of you' while Aaron was at work Rio came over to visit, clean the air with Rio and see how you were doing, which is when she entered the house she found you, unattended in a sink bath, while you Mom off in her room, asleep, maybe having been drinking.

When she picked you up, and dried you off she saw you had gotten smaller than the last time 'oh god it's gotten worse'

So she set you off on the side and made you a bottle and began to feed you, she heard shuffling round the main room, when Diana came round the corner to see Rio feeding her baby.

Diana: "What are you doing in my house?"

Rio: "Diana, I found her in the sink, alone"

Diana: "Yeah she was getting herself clean"

Rio: "She's 8 weeks old?"

Diana: "How did you get in here?"

Rio: "My key?"

Diana: "You have a key?"

Rio: "Yeah, Aaron gave me one"

Diana: "Oh...Well can you get away from my baby please"

Rio: "She's smaller than she should be"

Diana: "What are you insuinutaing?"

Rio: "Diana, I think youre sick"

Diana: "How dare you"

Rio: "Please, I can help you, you need to be a mother and right now you can't, beacuse you are sick!"

Diana: "Oh fuck you, I'm going to sleep"

And so she did, she slept most days, or was out the house leaving you alone in the house for many hours, only for Aaron to come home to find you alone, screaming in your crib. Rio stared coming over more and more so just to keep you fed and changed, and it was exausting, so much so that eventually she just took you, with Aarons knowledge of course to save herself the trip, and this point Miles was walking, or more waddeling around while you were just rolling everywhere, Miles had his first word, which was 'floor' and you were just babbling.

Aaron didn't know how to thank her enough when he picked you up all he could do was thank her, try and hand her money she would always refuse while Jeff would talk custody with Aaron.

Jeff: "Listen man, she needs help, and she's not getting it"

Aaron: "yeah I know but, I can't just take her baby from her"

Jeff: "Youre not taking her, she can have visits! But right now she's putting her at risk"

Aaron: " It's been only a few weeks, she might get better"

Rio: "Aaron, She's not feeding her" She added, holding you.

Jeff: "we should really stop calling her 'the baby' she needs a name"

Rio: "Dose she not have a name?! Aaron!? Its been almost a month you need a name!"

Aaron: "I know I know! God What the hell am I doing!?" he groaned into his hands.

Aaron: " How about...oh god I don't know!"

Jeff: "You had 9 months to choose a name, and now your choosing?!"

Aaron: " I KNOW!"

Rio, while looking down into your big brown eyes, Aarons eyes, she carried you over and handed your to your father, placing you into his lap, using your tiny hands to grab onto Rio's sleeve with a pink bow in your hair. Rio placed a hand onto Aarons shoulder.

Rio: "Come on Aaron, something pretty"

While Aaron looked down at you, grabbing at his shirt wriggling back and fourth while Miles stumbled across the living room.

Aaron: "...Is...Melissa okay?"

Rio: "eh...It's not great"

Jeff: "She dosen't give me Melissa vibes"

Rio: "How's...Y/n?"

Jeff:" Y/n Davis"

Aaron: "Yeah, Y/n Davis...Y/n Davis" He nodded to himself.

Jeff: "This is the kinda moment you take a picture of, stay right there!" He said as he rushed over to grab the camrea, While Rio grabbed Miles and sat him next to Aaron, Jeff got the camrea and set it onto the table with a 5 second timer.

Rio: "Everyone Smile!" And so you did, and that pictures lives on in the family photo book, that is Rio's favourtie memory or you as a baby.

Now Jeff's favourtie memory was when he thought he had lost you, he had taken you and Miles to the park, you were in a stroller while Miles waddled beside his Dad when he stopped off at the park, Miles was always beside you when you went off to play, he would sit with you as you battled it out with your Bratz dolls, Miles also liked to play Bratz Battle, and you two would mainly stick to each other, you didn;t have a massive intrest in talking to other kids, just the Bratz pack and Miles, that's all you needed at the park, While you and Miles sat together in the small grassy area Miles had drawn the attention of some other kids, who pulled him away to play with them, you were so englufled with your game that you didn't initally didn't notice, Miles waved off to you as he was pulled away to play on the swings, and while he did, he looked over to check on you every few moments, really Jeff had been doing that, but instead he was chatting with another Dad, called Kallum.

Jeff: "So which one's yours?"

Kallum pointed over to a little girl with pig tails.

Kallum: "There, by the climbing frame"

Jeff: "Cute, I'm here with my Son and my Nice"

Kallum: "Nice, Mines called Melissa, you?"

Jeff: "Miles, and funny you should say that, My Nice was almost called Melisa" He looked back round where he thought you were hanging round with your dolls, only not to see you or Miles.

Oh fuck Oh fuck Oh fuck

He scanned the area for Miles, to thankfully see him on the monkey bars, but with out you.

Jeff: "MILES" He yelled out for him, miles got off the monkey bars and ran towards his Dad.

Jeff:" Miles, where is Y/n?"

Miles pointed over, to where he thought you were, but there was nothing, only one of your many dolls.

Miles: "...oh"

Jeff: "Miles, did you see where Y/n went?"

Miles: "No.."

Jeff: "Oh god, oh god, oh god" He rubbed his face with his hands, rushing over to where Miles thought you were, with your doll's just left there in the dirt, you would never just leave them, you would scream if your Dad Aaron tried to take them from you for dinner time, so why had you left them?

Did someone...take you?

Jeff began to hyper ventilate.

Jeff: "Y/N! Y/N! CAN YOU HEAR ME! Y/N!"

Nothing.

Jeff called out again and again, and go no response, he took out his phone to call in the cavalry, a friend at he police precent, called Mike.

Calling Mike

ring

ring

Mike: "Hello?"

Jeff: "Mike! Mike listen to me, I need a search team, sniffer dogs, I need everyone, everyone!"

Mike: "Calm down man, what happened?"

Jeff: "I took my nice out to the park and she's gone"

Mike: "How long as she been gone?"

Jeff: "like 5 minutes"

Mike: "Jeff, I can't send a whole team if she's only been gone 5 minutes"

Jeff: "Please Mike, she left her doll's and she would never just leave them and you owe me!!"

Mike: "...okay, fine"

And so, about a half hour later a search team had arrived with some sniffer dogs, they took a sniff of your dolls and began to walk off. Miles timidly turned to his Dad, looking up at him.

Miles: "Is Y/n going to be okay?"

Jeff: "I don't know Miles"

And then he remembred, he had to tell Aaron he had lost you, he knew he would kill him, so instead he called Rio, to break the news.

Calling Rio

ring

ring

Rio: "Hey baby"

Jeff: "Hey, i'm sorry but..I need to tell you something"

Rio: "...Okay?"

...

...

Rio: "YOU WHAT?! Hombre estúpido! What are you going tell Aaron?!"

Jeff:" Actually, I was hoping you would"

Rio: "Excuse me?"

Jeff: "he might kill me"

Rio: "oh my GOD, FINE!"

And so, about two hours later, Aaron and Rio had pulled up to the park, Aaron immedatley rushed out the car over to Jeff.

Aaron: "You lost my fucking kid!"

Jeff:" I know! But ive got everyone on it!"

Aaron: "YOU LOST MY FUCKING KID!" he screamed at him, pulling him closer by his shirt, only being seperated by Rio.

Aaron rubbed his hands over his face again and again, looking round the park aimlessly.

Aaron: "Oh my god, Oh my god"

Jeff: "The good news is, she left one her dolls an-"

Aaron: "She left it? Oh my god! She's been taken!"

Jeff: "No no, she might have just gone walk about"

Aaron: "Are you serious?"

Jeff: "Yeah I-"

Aaron: "She could have been taken by traffikers, or a pedophile or or-"

Jeff: "Listen, we can join the search team now"

And so they did, all wondering about with flash lights. trecking around the wooden area of the park calling out for you.

Aaron: "Y/N! Y/N! Its me, Its papa!"

Rio: "Y/n!! come out baby"

Jeff: "Y/n! Come on Y/n come out!"

Miles just followed his Mom, not really understanding what was happening, he started pulling on her jean leg.

Rio: "Not now baby, were busy"

Miles: "Mami, she's there" He said, pointing you. She looked over to se you, standing holding your Bratz doll.

Aaron: "Y/N! Oh my God thank God you are safe!" he said hugging you tightly.

Jeff: "Y/n, what were you thinking!?"

Rio: "Yeah, you could have gotten Uncle Jeff in serious trouble" She said, side eyeing her husband.

Y/n: "Chole wanted to see the berry bushes, So I took her" You said, holding out your doll.

Aaron: "Jesus christ"

Aaron didn't like that memory alot, He didn't like getting the call from Rio telling him you had gone missing, though yes everyrthing was fine in the end the fear of you being gone was mortifying.

But Aarons favourtite memory was simple, having had not been present during the birth was actually driven to the hospital by Jeff, with Rio and Miles in the back, he ran out the car, up the strairs and down the hall, barging in the delievry room he saw Diana, asleep next to you in a see through cot, wrapped up in pink blanket.

While Rio and Jeff rushed in aswell, they all flocked around you. Aaron turned to Rio.

Aaron: "Is it okay for me to touch her?"

Rio: "Yes of course"

Aaron tried despraltey to bring the courage to pick you up, he was visibly shaking as his hands rose to hold you, he then rested his hand on the edge of the cot.

Aaron: "I can't...I can't do it"

Jeff: "come on man, she's your daughter"

Aaron: "I-I" Aaron forced himself to slowly lift you from the cot, and bring you into his chest, holding you there for a few seconds as he began hyper ventilate, Jeff placed a hand on Aarons shoulder.

Jeff: "Its okay"

You opened your large eyes, to look at up him, and let out a small whine.

Aaron: "Oh my god" he sniffled as he began to cry softly, holding so tightly, but keeping note not to crush you.

Rio: "She's got your eyes"

Aaron: "Oh she's so beautiful"

SEND ME REQUESTS, OR EVEN ART ONES!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOW!!

[urgonnagofar]

9/2 now i’m over the worst of it

hiiii everyone <3 (like two people) i hope you’re doing well. i got really fucking busy since i last journaled. but i really am doing better i made it to september fr. like i was seriously torn up about leaving my home and all of my friends. and especially my dog i miss her so bad it’s not even funny. but now that i’m here i’m not sure i’ve even cried once since i got dropped off. my duolingo streak did die and i almost cried over that. but i didn’t ! mostly just bc i was on a public bus. i also almost cried when i accidentally skipped one of my classes ON THE FUCKING THIRD DAY OF CLASS but that’s fine she’s persisting (i might’ve had a panic attack and called my mom) i have a super nice group of friends but they’re like literally all premed. the engineering college is literally the biggest one here where tf are they (they’re all guys) but oh well. i’m joining baja (build off-roading vehicle and race it competition team) and it seems like a lot of fun all of the people there are really nice. i do have my fantasy football draft tn so idk if i can go to the meeting 😭

tw depression, anxiety, panic attacks, suicidal ideation, self harm, hallucinations

so my there it goes moment. (this isn’t about anything romantic in the slightest) last september i was doing Really fucking shitty. like i was insanely stressed out all the time. i spent the spring of my junior year absolutely going through it. i quit self harming in march, because i saw what it was doing and how bad it was for someone i was sort of friends with, and decided that i really needed to quit. and it was so fucking hard. i wanted to go back to it so fucking badly. i started seeing shit all the time. if i saw anything red or felt something red i would just see/intensely imagine that it was blood until i checked. i’m pretty sure it was just stress induced from being so worried about quitting, but i don’t really know. through the summer it went away and things got a lot better. but my mom had been worried about how hard the classes were i was going to be taking senior year and i started getting extremely stressed out again. i was like paralyzed by worry that things were going to get as bad as they had been last year again, or even worse. they didn’t, but i spent a couple months with paralyzing anxiety. on the first day of school i could barely sit through my classes, and my heart was racing because i was so stressed out. but things got a lot better as time passed. i remember one day in december realizing for the first time in years that i could actually picture myself being alive more than a couple years in the future. and that i didn’t really want to die anymore. which was an absolutely insane thing for someone that has wanted to die since sixth to realize. things didn’t really get better linearly since then. there were a couple months where it was really really hard not to go back to self harming. but i didn’t. and things have gotten a lot better since. i was super worried about leaving my friends this summer, and though i absolutely do miss them, i made new friends here and im happy with my choice of where to go to school. im actually doing really well and am really happy with where i am. i’m a little bit sleep deprived, but isn’t every college kid? i finally feel happy and like im actually getting to enjoy my life. i do love my parents, but i also needed to get out of their house. last year when september started i don’t think i could have been further from having my there it goes moment. i wrote in the tags on a post abt there it goes that september and doing better would never belong in the same sentence until i was done with school. and i’m so glad that that changed for college.

i miss u all so much <3 sorry for the kinda intense trauma dump there it will probably happen again

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

This is an internet anthology. I am acting:

…

…

…

Looking back at my childhood and all the traumatic things that happened made me realize just how depressive my mom was. She smiled and laughed and said she was “happy,” sure… but I never saw her smile or laugh unless it was in front of other people; but behind closed doors, with just the two of us the mask came off. I was the only one who was allowed to see who she really was behind the disguise. She cried all the time. I could hear her through the walls at night when I went to sleep. Everything, everything was for show. She liked to make others think she had joy but she didn’t. She didn’t because she couldn’t feel it. Her depression was a crushing weight on the entire house and she made it everyone’s problem. All she wanted to do was feel worse and feed off of me so I could stay and listen to her rants forever in a vicious, codependent cycle. I didn’t know until now what the term for that was. Truly, discovering this community of people who were abused by depressive parents was a blessing. It helped me come to my senses and realize I was not the issue; it was her all along. Knowledge is power, everyone. ❤️

…

hiya could anyone give me advice pls its urgent

so i (16m) met this guy (17m) who ill call M in my economics class. we chatted for a little, he was suuuuper sweet and charming and we really had some kinda gay chemistry going on iykwim? so we went on a date at this cute Italian restaurant and the guy gives us our breadsticks. M just……. stared????? at them like stared at the breadsticks without even saying thank you and he looked kinda souless and it was fucking freaky but i ignored it because maybe he was just tired yk? we study alot so its not like super unrealistic to think that but now im starting to think it was a sign he wasnt right in the head. later on we hugged and kissed and he told me he loved me so my doubts went away cuz love and happiness go together. basically i wasnt worried anymore, were both happy right?

well after exchanging numbers to keep in touch i called him about five times and he never called me. its like i put in all the effort so i called him out for ignoring me and he apologized

anyways we made up and went on a 2nd date which was his idea. because i am sixteen i got my license after doing drivers ed, obvs i was really proud of it so i told him and he smiled saying he was happy for me but something was wrong. he was smiling but his eyes looked dead and it reminded me of that one tiktok about how depressives have dead eyes when they smile because they cant actually feel happy not even for other ppl. it was really creepy how he just lied to my face like that. he still never calls me, i always have to call him. its like he doesn’t care about life at all

any tips on how to politely get out of the relationship? thx

…

4 Signs Your Lover is a K!lljoy

1.) The eyes

Do you surprise your lover with gifts and acts of service, but they seem less than enthusiastic? Do they say they’re happy for you, but something in their face tells you they’re not? Do they never seem to truly enjoy anything in life? Then blame the uncanny valley. Science shows that true, joyful smiles cause the corners of your eyes to crinkle. Since k!lljoys are completely incapable of feeling happiness, it makes sense that they don’t know how to smile without giving off some bad vibes in the process.

2.) They’re lazy

Some of the traits used to diagnose Major Depressive Disorder in the DSM-5 are: lack of motivation, excessive sleeping, and lethargy. These traits inherent to depression make k!lljoys far less productive than most normal people, so of course they expect others to do everything for them, because they care more about themselves than they do other people. Do you constantly find yourself doing all the household chores while your spouse vegetates on the couch? Do they say they’re too “tired” to do things when you know they’ve done nothing to make them tired? Chances are, your partner is depressive.

3.) They hate people

Lack of joy is highly correlated with social withdrawal. K!lljoys dislike parties and always hide in corners or bathrooms if they’re forced to go to one. They also never call you, you have to call them. You have to do all the work to maintain the relationship.

Low-functioning killjoys may lie in bed all day miserably, but high-functioning killjoys can blend in, and may even be more talkative so they can vent their problems to everyone. They do this so everyone else can feel as unhappy as they do. As the saying goes, misery loves company.

4.) They want to k!ll themselves

It’s in the name. K!lljoys may not say it outright, but they may joke about d34th or unaliving themselves at minor inconveniences. This is not normal behavior, and actually a sign of a severe case of depression.

This may be done for two reasons. The first is to guilt you to stay in the relationship because they’re afraid of being abandoned by their stress ball. You can tell if mentions of sewerslide are meant to guilt you if they are often followed by common manipulative phrases such as “you’re my reason for living” or “I’ll never leave you.” Or k1lljoys may be genuine about their desire to d*e, so that they can pass their sadness onto others while they are relieved of it, as a sort of twisted revenge.

You may feel guilty about leaving them or putting them in danger of carrying through with sewerslide, but remember: sewerslide is the ultimate act of selfishness. You are doing the right thing by leaving them because they are toxic and will only harm you, no matter how good it feels to love them. They don’t love you back. A k1lljoy cannot love you back.

…

hot take but if you’re so sad you cant even take care of yourself without leeching off people and hurting them then you should be sterilized so you don’t pass those genes onto your children and cause more suffering than you already have lol

#killjoy parents #depressive abuse #thanks for making me into a monster like you dad /s #depressives dni #i needed you dad I really really did and then you fucking shot yourself #and it didn’t even work so now you’re brain dead in a home #i hope no one else cares for you and gets hurt for it

…

So it’s come to my attention that there is a common misconception that depressives cannot feel joy. True, some of them don’t; but some of them do. What gives them joy? What most people find makes them happy: being treated like human beings and not like a they have evil suicide cootieshope this helps 🥰

#actually depressive #actual killjoy #you guys realize how eugenicist it is to demand depressed people be sterilized right? #we cannot control how much joy we feel #what we get is what we get and that doesn’t make us evil

…

hot take: being able to feel happy does not make you a good person

you can feel joy because you hurt people and you can use motivation to do bad things. you don’t need love to be a good person either. you can simply exist and not do bad things

#actually depressive #depressive abuse believers dni #imagine morals being based on emotions and not actions pfft

…

#imagine morals being based on emotions and not actions pfft

Imagine abusers wanting sympathy from the abused

Don’t act like you aren’t always negative about everything and try to level the emotional playing field so that everyone suffers don’t act like you haven’t been a burden to everyone you touch don’t act like you don’t post pictures of your bleeding cuts for minors to see and imitate dont act like you don’t romanticize your sick disorder to take others down with you don’t act like you don’t purposefully ignore your friends and loved ones for the sake of your alone time don’t act like you don’t drink to drown the sadness and become violent to your families don’t act like you aren’t cut from the same cloth as people who become terrorists and blow themselves up to kill many others

THOSE ARE ACTIONS

#depressives fuck off #depressives kill yourselves challenge #oh wait

…

I want to die so the ones who never held me close to their hearts may carry my coffin on their shoulders and tuck me into the ground like a down bed

#killjoy #sad bitch #its sad girl hours #depressive #sad girl aesthetic #coquette #tw sui ment #girlsandboywhocry #spilledink

…

yo i think my mom is a killjoy

#explains a lot tbh #never gets out and is unhealthily attached to me #the whole dead eyes thing

…

anyone ever stop to think that maybe the depression that I am experiencing in my own brain is making me suffer more than you are for dealing with my reaction to suffering all the time lol

#actually depressive #k*lljoy is a slur btw idk why you armchair diagnose people with “lazy asshole” #instead of maybe considering it’s just hard for us to do things #and interact with the world without feeling joy. Since when do we consider someone’s inability to do something as a moral failing?

…

[likeawolfatthemoon]

even though 1989 is my least favorite album, it came out when @damn-its7am and i lived together. right after i graduated from college, moved out of my parents' house, and across the country from arizona to illinois. most of my distinct memories of listening to it are during winter driving (which was traumatic at first for someone who learned to drive in phoenix) and that is why it will always be a winter album to me.

a lot of feelings 1989tv is digging up under the cut

and that entire period in my life is......fraught. i was finally free (somewhat) of the weight and trauma of living at home that i had desperately been hoping to escape for so long. i was with my best friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was happy and excited but also struggling with mental illness the likes of which i wouldn't even begin to get a grasp on until years later when i was diagnosed with bpd. it somehow felt like finally getting to have positive experiences more often made those negative feelings sting a thousand times worse. i couldn't find a job for six months!!!! i felt like a failure. and when i finally did (when haylie got me a job, really) then i had to contend with having a real life job for the first time!!!!! but i had someone i was excited to come home to and who loved me and who i felt like i could finally be a real person with. then i had to contend with the extreme jealousy that came with her good and healthy traits of: having other friends, happening to be falling in love at the same time, having school AND a job to be focusing on instead of spending time with me (please note: i know these are NOT rational things to experience jealousy over, it was the undiagnosed and untreated bpd, we have since discussed this period in our lives and are better for it, i feel very grateful to have a friend who has empathy for my mental health struggles 💖, but i am feeling weirdly emotional about 1989 right now, thus it is being aired out in this post lmao - if you experience these kind of extreme emotions over your relationships like.......seek help, not being facetious, i say this with love and empathy) (also note, said person she was falling in love with is now her husband and we love him, we always have, a very rare good man - he was never the problem) (he and i also have in common that we can do a smashing dennis quaid impression)

i was also contending with like.....the fact that my mom was dying......and that i just left. and i was mad at her. and i felt so guilty. but i also didn't want to talk to her bc her brain was so messed up that she wasn't even really my mom anymore. and maybe it wasn't even that i was mad at her, maybe it was that it was too painful to answer the phone and try to carry on a conversation with someone who couldn't string two lucid thoughts together. but looking back on it now, the lucid thought WAS just im sick and im scared and i don't know what's going on and i want to talk to my baby and to this day that stills eats away at me and makes me feel physically ill with hatred for myself.

it felt like i was in a freefall and still to this day i don't know if it was a good or a bad thing, but probably both. at least i jumped, at least i did something with my life and that was better than the stagnation and depression i was in before. i was suicidal and i had more anxiety than i had ever had in my life......but it also kinda finally felt like there were glimmers of hope. and the everyday of my life, when i wasn't living in my emotions, was good. I know the way im talking about it sounds so terrible but i look back on this time with such nostalgia as well. and it really was a first step toward a healing journey that im probably going to be on my entire life. it just feels like SO critical and crucial to who i am as a person - and 1989 was the soundtrack over all of it.

i think that is why i am just so in love with the tv cover and her smile and it being the FIRST album she's smiling on. she's reclaiming that time in her life with a breath of freedom and peace and looking back on it happy and triumphant and PROUD of herself.

fuck yeah. you did that. me too.

[goremet-chef]

vent

my mom being so utterly confused about what could have me down recently makes me so fucking mad. she didnt tell me so i guess as far as she knows, i dont know. but i do, so

it makes me mad how little it seems to matter to everyone else. it feels like my home is dead. theyre all dead, all 3 of them. everything from the past is gone, everything from before i moved to this hellhole is fucking gone. i cant believe she only lived a year longer than riley i cant fucking believe it

i was so sure she'd be around for longer and

its even worse cuz when riley died, her behavior changed. she wouldnt ever leave my grandmas room except to go get food and bathroom. she would just sleep where riley used to sleep on the bed, instead of her spot. it makes me so fucking depressed knowing she probably missed him, and recently she wasnt doing that. she was moving more, hanging out in the living room, she moved back to her spot like. she was feeling BETTER

and now shes gone and ill never see her again and it means NOTHING to anyone besides me and my grandma. they know why im down and yet theyll still ask why im irritable, why im quiet, etc

dont make me fucking explain myself! insult to injury. do you wanna hear "artemis is dead" every time? cuz i sure dont

how am i ever gonna go back to my grandmas house? everything will be a reminder, like it was with riley. if she gets rid of the cat things, their absence will be a reminder too. theyve been there forever

we have so many pets, it fucking terrifies me wondering who will be next. i cant take anymore man

[ouroboobos]

Moodboard for when its barely past 10 am and the horrors.

Also long ass fucking rant under the cut tw for mentions of depression, disordered eating, suicidal thoughts, shitty mom. Its been a bad morning im sorryyyyyyy ♡

Literally why does my mother care so much more about her fiances kids than us. I dont think she actually loves them more, ik she loves us a lot which is weirdly part of what makes her so difficult to be around. But shes has so much more compassion and concern for them.

Two of his kids have been depressed and with the first one she like talked about it with me and described this whole plan they had where they were gonna sit down with her and comfort her and give her space to talk if she wanted and make sure she knew she wasnt in trouble. She was so sympathetic it was fucking unbelievable. And his other daughter is apparently in a bad spot rn so hes taking a day off from work to spend time with her and my mother is planning this whole dinner thing with everyone to get her socializing and out of the house a little bit to help her feel a little better. Like are you FUCKING kidding me lmfao.

When I was 13 and I had to go into treatment because I was gonna kms she spent almost the entire time guilt tripping me and yelling at me and making me feel like shit because it was "so hard for her" and I was "trying to make her feel like a bad mother" and "making people think she was abusive". Nicest thing she did was buy me McDonalds when I got discharged and she brought it up constantly for months afterwards. I was practically never allowed to leave the house already, but she started restricting me even more. She'd get angry at me for not talking to her about my problems (because she believed I was doing it to try to make her feel guilty) but if I ever told her I'd had a panic attack or a flashback shed get annoyed and say "well I dont know what you want me to do about it" OR shed freak the fuck out about how I was only saying that to get attention or make her feel like she wasnt doing a good job as my parent. She found out the people at the facility said there were some changes she could make that might help my mental health, and she got so upset that my grandma took me out for a few hours so I wouldn't have to be around her until she'd cooled down a little.

I've regularly been so suicidal that I had detailed plans written up for how I was going to go through with it and I never sought help for it again because I knew from experience how shed respond. The only things that have kept me alive for years at a time were my little brother and the fear of hell instilled in me by my Christian upbringing lmfao. And here she is planning out social events and spending hours comforting her fiance's kids when they hit a rough patch. Are you fucking serious? You had this in you the whole fucking time?

I could write a whole fucking essay on the role she's played in my disordered eating patterns. I could write an even longer essay about how she handled my sexual abuse. Her accusations that I was sleeping with everyone got even worse whwn she found out lmfao. And this fucking cunt wants to make dinner and get ice cream for her FIANCE'S KIDS because theyre sad. Obviously I'm glad shes treating them better but like christ what makes them so much better? Is it because theyre smart and come from a nicer family? They have an actual future ahead of them because theyre uprbinging didnt traumatize them? Is it that theyre not tainted like I am I dont get it what about me is so horrible that she couldnt even hug me when I was a child and she cares so much about another persons kids

[ventblockeddiary]

My life was already over before I was even born. And now I'm forced to live in a purgatory for however many depressing years I have left (r/offmychest)

Meant to post this on r/offmychest but ironically my post kept getting marked as spam and removed. Anyway.

This is probably going to be a really long post, and I dont really expect anyone to read it all the way through or anything, I think i just need to get this off my chest because i've been feeling this heavy crap for years but i dont think even once that i've sit down and ever wrote it out. and i think i want to, even if it wont help. and if i get dramatic with this im very sorry, it might be cringe lol but i tend to be very dramatic so just ignore that if you read it

I always knew I didn't belong to my immediate surroundings. I was never like my family, or even my bestest, closest friends. Everyone was so different to me. For context, even though I hate saying it out loud/admitting it to the world, I was unlucky enough to be born into an asian household (and not the better, superior asians, either. Im sure you understand what I mean.) and to make it worse, I was born under an abusive, narcissist man of "religion". (cult.)

I love God but He doesn't love me back. I don't blame Him either, I'm repulsive and evil and disobedient. I don't deserve His love or His grace when I am every single thing He hates. Maybe thats why Im being punished. Maybe He knew I was always going to turn out like this, so ever since I was born I've been subjected to nothing but horror and grief and nothing else. nothing else.

I wish i could articulate everything inside me better. this is so fragmented, i know, but i dont even know where to start. I was born on the other side of the world, but I always identified more with the "West"...i know that sounds insane and fucking stupid. But i swear to god, my brain was wired like someone who would grow up *anywhere* but where i was??? my cultural traditions and religious obligations never made sense to me. they were always restrictive. MORE than they should have been. I was always more disturbed by them than my friends, i never managed to connect with anyone because our differences were so vast. While i was thinking of living life free and adventurous, EVERY other person around me, older and younger, were content with the life plans our culture set out for us (married by or around 20, enough kids to be a large family by 28, sitting at home or doing a 'respectable' job)

When i told my best friends, at 11, that i wanted to run away with them and live like roomies in Japan (i was a weeb. embarrasing) they were more grounded in reality and said "well, when we grow up and get married then we can leave our homes for vacations every now and then". but that disgusted me. i didnt want to get married, i didnt want to get old and THEN live my life. I didnt want to go from being one mans property to another mans property. but everyone thought (and still thinks) im insane and "feminist" and a stupid child. i admit that i was delusional...i mean my other friends were more tethered to reality at 11 to know running away from home at our age would be horrible. Why the hell was i so fucking stupicd

When i was younger, romance made me cringe. I was vehemently against shitty romcoms and boring love movies...but i was secretly yearning for it. I didnt realize it then. i realize it now. I made big shows of disgust at anything remotely romantic or lovey dovey, but i think i was craving it more than i let on.

so, the man i was born under, he's extremely....well. sexist and misogynistic and he looks weirdly at VERY young girls. he wouldnt mind ruining someone elses daughter, and he projected that on us i guess. because let me tell you this. I have never left the house alone. I have never been without "supervision". I have never gone to a gender mixed school, he always found the shittiest organizations with girls-only schools and made every. single. fucking. decision for me. I didnt even get the OPPURTUNITY to rebel. To make my own decisions. I wasnt allowed to go out. I wasnt allowed to dress in anything but the crap he and my mom picked. Covered head to toe. I felt disgusted with myself. My mom was disgusted by my rapidly develping body. I think i developed so fast because im disgusting and i was a perverted kid, so i made myself grow way too fucking early. I dont even know why I was so fucking perverted. I think its genetic, because you CAN inherit stuff like that, and since the man i was born under was a disgusting perverted SOB, I got his ugly, defected genes. And i didnt know all this about him until i was 20 i think, because before that we all thought he was super religious and super anti-women, but then we found out he was cheating on my mom with multiple young girls, too many to count. And he told her youre old and disgusting now when hes MUCH older than her. He said 14 year old girls are better. my mom almost went insane with disgust and shame. i had to hold her back from wrekcing her own head.

I dont even know what the hell Im saying anymore. I dont know how to articulate this.

I am 22 now. turning 23 this year. Every birthday is fucking depressing because i realize he stole my teenage years from me, and now hes stealing the last few years of youth i have left. and then what? i'll be married off, wont i? to some ugly man who may or may not be a closeted freak like all of them turn out to be. my mom screams at me, "this is the only way you can get your freedom"

because shes been injected with the same religion's cult-ish ideas. My family is stifling me. The idea that i will never make it out of their clutches makes me want to just. i cant do this anymore.

i wanted to fucking go to uni abroad. after my high school i wasted TWO fucking years tryng to pray and manifest going abroad, escaping this hell hole, gaining some fucking FREEDOM. but i was a fucking fool and i wasted two fucking years in which i got incredibly depressed and my mother always brings up how i wasted two entire fucking years before they forced me to go to the all-girls university i did NOT WANT TO GO TO. They ruined my fucking life by sending me there. This univeristy is more like a fucking school, i cant explain it to you, in fact theyre more strict on girls than they were on us back in fucking SCHOOL. but im almost done. i wasted 3.5 years here. ha.

now my younger brother finished his high school, and everyones talking about sending him to the uk or something :) because hes a boy. my mom is so supportive of it. she would never support me going on my own. i listen to them sit around and talking and it makes me want to.

dont get me wrong. im happy for him. and he worked really hard to get scholarships. I was a r who could barely fucntion so i failed my entire way through high school. he got straight As. he worked for it. he deserves it. But ofc the man we were born under doesnt want him to go. hes the only one. He said to my mom "None of them are ever going to escape my control. Just you see."

He likes seeing us being held back. Makes sense why he runed all our potential and put us in cages.

Theres a lot more.

Theres so much more, about my body, about my limited, closed-off 'friendships', about my own faults, about this damn passport that i want to burn. But i cant put it here. I dont know how to articulate it.

I hate myself so much. Its not just his fault, its my fault too.

Sometimes I think about the multiverse, and I hope to god its real. Because that means that somewhere out there, I exist, and Im happy. maybe in that world, I'm beautiful, and doing youtube like i wanted to. Maybe Im a great poet and literary writer like I've always wanted to be. Maybe Im in theatre. Maybe I know how to do ballet. Maybe I live open and free and maybe i dont hate myself and maybe i dont want to kill myself every waking hour. Maybe i got lucky enough to be born elsewhere, to have a different stamp on my passport, to not be born into a cult. maybe i get to dress how i want and adhere to my own rules and aesthetic and im not always feeling inferior and watching other poeple live my dreams

i dont want to watch my youth slip away anymore

and my situation is so specific, nobody fucking gets it. i see these lucky people on social media, all around me, even in my personal life. and nobody gets it. if i tell someone all they feel is pity. and i dont want pity.

nobody has any advice for me. because i cant fucking get out of here.

someone i begged to to get me anti depressants so i could at least kill my emotiosn told me "i cant get you those, because theyre meant to be taken for a situation that slowly improves. Your situation isnt changing for the foreseeable future. Realisitically. So you'll just get addicted and i'll have to keep upping the dosage until i cant."

i wasnt born sad. my mom keeps saying "you were such a happy baby". yeah, i laughed, even though he was beating on me and i was constantly aware something was wrong with me because of my perversion. i dont think ive been happy ever since i got an iota of conscience.

i wish i wasnt scared of the afterlife. i wish God hadnt outlawed seeing myselg out of all this.

[phrootsnacks]

jjba thursday: part 4 ep 13-15

I have so much homework to do and I'm behind in my classes and I dont really feel like a person and I think someone has a crush on me (I am oblivious to these things but still) and I dont know how I feel about it and my prof didn't finish the letter of recommendation in time for the application deadline. but I have been thinking a lot about jojo's bizarre adventure

so now I'm gonna watch. jojo's bizarre adventure

episode 13 - We Picked Up Something Crazy!

man I love this show. its cringe but I love it

hey why does. why does old man joseph have a cheetah pattern hat.

hey. why does. why does josuke always turn his back on the things / people he's supposed to be watching.

those handprints are so small..... BABY STAND?????!?!

BABY STAND BABY STAND BABY STAND

.... INVISIBLE BABY STAND

what. what did old man joseph

oh. my god. lol

ww. w uh

old man joseph. all on josuke's card. wh

god forbid someone from class sees josuke with. an invisible baby

no no no no oh my god do not put makeup on the invisible baby stand that is so much worse wha

?????

oh my god. and you just spent all that money on baby stuff!

uhhhhhhhhhh

WHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA

im sorry that was. wow. ok

is. is the invisible baby gonna be a recurring character

episode 14 - Let's Go to the Manga Artist's House, Part 1

these guys. why do the look more chibi than usual. or have I gotten used to characters built like jotaro and this is just what normal sized people look like in this universe

what do we think the manga artist looks like. and is it a self insert character?

oh. ok

they're being so cute

hes definitely a stand user right

I really like that his earrings are pen nibs. thats so cute

um

sir????

"mangaka are not normal!" lol

heaven's door?????? that's not... thats not a heaven's gate reference is it......?

oh wow

ok so I don't think you need to turn people into books in order to get realistic experiences into your manga. you could just write gender bent versions of your friends, like what nozaki does

this guy doesn't have friends does he

dude I dont know what to tell you. you live in a town FULL of stand users why is everyone so surprised when they learn there are other stand users

I like this rohan guy, and his stand is interesting

WHOA ok um. hazamada, what the fuck

never mind I remember now he's an incel

read him to filth!!!!

rohan. hes just like me fr (in the sense that I too am always anxious about what people think of me and then I get depressed about it)

seriously is heaven's door supposed to be a reference. again I dont know much about 80s music but it feels like a reference to heaven's gate????? but it doesn't seem to be actually referencing heaven's gate?????

uhhhhh . w. what just happened

he just ripped off pages of koichis face. I dont feel like that was necessary but uh now it's uhh. what

hes just like me fr (in the sense that I too forget really important things. but then I get really anxious about forgetting things)

episode 15 - Let's Go to the Manga Artist's House, Part 2

I love that the manga artist (araki) made the manga artist character (rohan) so epic at drawing manga.

new intro!

I also love that the house itself is like. part of the horror of the stand

lol

read him to filth!!!!!!!!!

hey so how does. his editor read his pages? is the editor.... under the effects of the stand too??

oh wow

why is okuyasu on fire and screaming on the floor so funny lol

going for his hair..... oh boy...........

josuke's ego is too strong for him to join a death cult

oh lore? oh shit!

wh

who is that???????

thats actually kinda sweet. but why did that guy have that hairstyle????

lol. I love this show its so funnyyyyy

this show is great. and all of the enemy stand users have been pretty fun and interesting. and none of the side characters are really pissing me off yet either? like I fucking hated polnareff in part 3 im a polnareff hater. but the cast of characters is pretty large so the annoying ones dont get too much airtime yknow. and I like the emotional beats too, between josuke and old man joseph. and we have another baby stand lol

[toomanyfandoms-help]

some of the thoughts, feelings, and emotions ive been experiencing lately. merely needed a place to write this down and get it off my chest, so please feel free to scroll on

not fully sure exactly how to describe. depressive spiral? self-fulfilling prophecy? simply an unhinged, unhealthy person chattering away and scaring those close to them? something along those lines.

cant pinpoint where exactly it started either. i can give guesses, but its definitely something thats been building, rather than something that snapped.

im thinking somewhere in june. too good to be true, too much going right that i got suspicious. or maybe i was picking up on stuff i shouldve picked up on, did pick on earlier, and ignored.

it certainly started to crumble, starting with the trip. havent spoken to one of them since. its been 2 months. never really liked him though, and im quite assured in assuming the feeling's mutual.

then everyone got busy. and work got worse. and more busy. and even worse. hyperbolic, maybe a little. even still.

i dont push. i hate pushing. whenever i do even a little bit i hate myself for it. i take up other's offers gladly, but it gets further between. it feels less like friendship and more like im merely the person these people vent to every few weeks.

the one time (several times, i just stopped asking) i did ask, it got cancelled severely last minute with a half-assed apology. well, no. it was understandable. but still incredibly frustrating.

been spending more time with my family as a result. its familiar, in a tangy, bittersweet way that nostalgia is. we're closer than most, i know that, given the unique circumstances my and my sister grew up in. she knows me well.

everything took a turn when i quit though. on a whim (stressing all week and all day the day-of) setting my key down and leaving with head held high (shaking like a leaf and turning my music up too high on the drive home). combined with the stress of the previous day (shit going wrong with the house and my sister telling me she was probably minutes away from killing herself several years ago (something i already knew but somehow it hit harder (i can guess why))) it all just hurt

i also was with a friend. the day before i quit. kinda.

he helped me, sure. as in he helped with the house issue. but he didnt really talk to me. he tried to show me tiktoks on his phone (i spotted a groupchat with my friends without me in it (the old one with me hasnt been touched since june)) but they were all so. mindless.

we havent hung out since. he tried, twice. the first time i asked how many people he asked before me (its been a reoccurring problem, actually, where i am the last thought of) and he said i was the first. i didnt believe him. he tried again the next day, but i was actually looking forward to hanging out with my family so i declined.

he hasnt reached out since.

i sometimes think about how it makes me upset i cant be angry. im not really allowed to be. which is a weird thing to think about. what do i mean i cant be angry. but i think i mean it in a way like. my anger burns so deep and hot and fast, and its never good. its never for a good reason. being angry feels good, sometimes, but i cant revel in the feeling because i should not have been angry. i did things i regret.

i dunno. anger is a good emotion to have. i know that. it feels good, to feel your blood boiling just a bit and steam clouding your vision. its the one way i can really lose myself.

but its aimless. im usually angry at things i cant counteract or control or do literally anything against. it builds up. i cant release it. and when i do get angry at something i can do something about, well. it usually gets much more than deserved.

but how do you apologize for that. im not sorry for my anger, i was rightful to be angry. but my actions were maybe over the top. maybe i let out too much. maybe im not communicating at all. i dont know

how does one just. stop. not in a suicide way, but also not not in a suicide way.

i cant just go. not right now. my birthdays in 2 fucking days and i cant do that to my family. so maybe after. but we've got a vacation in 2 weeks and i dont want that to be canceled because its supposed to be the last family vacation we have.

but i cant last that long. im in limbo right now, and every single second is tearing at me and i just cant fucking feel anything anymore.

theres things i want to experience and be around for but the price of being a human being is just so fucking high that i cant fucking do it anymore. why do i exist on this miserable mortal coil and drag people down with me. why am i here

can it just stop, please

[classicsweetness]

honestly I've fallen into a really strong depression rut (again) and my relationships are in the dumps. idk how much more i can take and tbh i don't want to deal with anything else. i hate myself for not being good enough for anyone, hate myself for not being smart enough, funny enough, cute enough, interesting enough, just - not enough. I can’t help myself but to question the things that have happen in my life, that somehow, if those things didn’t happen then I wouldn’t be just what I am today, that I could’ve been a better person, with a better life, better environment, better surroundings, better mindset with a clear vision of the future which clearly I don’t have right now. whenever i remember mama & papa, it feels like the wounds are all freshly cut again, that the wounds that i have been aiding and forcefully trying to heal were all scraped up once again. srsly, grief isn’t fun, at all. it’s like a never ending process and it’s tiring me too much already, i’m at edge now. it always feels like i am back at square one, when i feel like i am already making progress, bad things would levitate again and will ruin my so-called ‘progress’. I've spent so long convincing myself I'm fine and it really hit me just how far from the truth that is. im not okay, i never was and I probably won't be for a while. i don't want to worry anyone because im not in the habit of doing that to people I care about (not that there's many left anymore ngl). it gets even worse when i am at it, having panic attacks, having emotional breakdowns, and all; and it would hit me like damn dude i actually don’t have anyone to run to. what can i say, i am not close nor open to any of my family members. i got so used to not being honest with what i am feeling, what is happening in my life, what am i currently experiencing. it’s makes me more sad that i just have to keep this all to myself, and it’s heavy, the weight of it all is already drowning me. i feel so sad that no one understands me the way i wanted to be understood. but i do not take that against the people that surrounds me (even if i really wanted to) bcos at the end of the day, it’s not a job for them to do that thing for me. tbh i am really near to ending everything all off. this just doesn’t affect me mentally and emotionally anymore nor my future that i meticulously planned in my head but it also affects me physically already; my head is pounding everyday, i never get to have a decent sleep, i am so scared of sleeping bcos i’m afraid i might not get to wake up anymore (but then again, that should be better, right? to die in my sleep lmao). i just, can't keep lying to everyone and myself and keep it inside because that's not healthy and it won't be good for me. I hate myself so much lately and the more I ignore it the worse it's got, to the point where im seriously considering dropping out of college, moving out of my house (and family if possible) and just going somewhere where nobody has to put up with me. god, i really wish I would of taken the jump all those years ago and ended my pathetic life so I wouldn't be a waste of oxygen any longer than I needed to be. fuck this. i can't even explain how much it hurts to be sitting here in my room alone and knowing that nothing is truly okay, and it breaks my heart that i even got to this point again. i just don't want to be alive anymore and it's getting so hard to keep pushing on even when i have no fight left in me.

[toehwa6]

What’s up partner wanna talk about chronic pain?

Here’s the scoop on chronic pain, at least in my perspective.

So everyone is different, but my shit is I’m 25 with a fuckin degenerative disc disorder which for me is when your fuckin bones just go away. It fucking sucks and it gave me stenosis, two partially herniated discs, and now I’m starting to get fuckin sciatica.

As you can imagine, but back fuggin hurts all the fuckin time, except when I’m walking or on Valium.

Unfortunately I can only walk like 2.5 miles, stand for 40 min, and sit for like 20-30 but when im sitting im fucked and I usually have to get up a bunch.

My life rn is fucked cause I literally do PT for 30min in the morning(not too bad), an hour in the afternoon, and then another 30min session before bed.

All in between im fuckin walking on a treadmill or juggling because I learned to do that recently so I have a something to do while im standing. (Actually very nice)

Anyway, down to the meat of it.

The shit I just described is fucking horrible, and some days I can’t walk or go and do shit like work or get groceries. And everytime I think the pain can’t get worse it does.

But fr the shittiest part about chronic pain *for me* is the fuckin depression that comes along with it.

All I think about all the time is

Im a burden, im worthless, im stuck here, I invalidate myself and my disability even tho Im in pain and can’t walk.

I went to a chronic pain seminar and they focused on the intrusive thoughts.

But they talked about things like

Is the pain ever gonna go away, is the pain ever gonna get worse, am I ever gonna get better

None of those applied to me

Imo those are thoughts you have in the first 6 months of chronic pain, but then you adjust and you don’t care anymore. At least I didn’t after awhile.

I accepted that my situation was fucked, it was never going away, and it was only going to get worse.

Easy peezy

But that weight is always replaced by something else.

Now I hate myself because I’ll never be better than what I am now.

I can’t go to school or have a career I want.

I can’t travel or do things I want to do.

I can’t even be comfortable in my house anymore.

All the while I’m just so focused on not bothering anyone with my problem’s because I’m so afraid of being a burden.

About 8 years ago, my little brother passed away. It took me years to not be known as the dead brother guy.

Now I’m just the disability back pain guy.

I don’t want to be that. I just want to be me.

But for anyone looking in, especially when I can’t hide it. That’s what they see.

It’s funny when people say if they had what I have they would just kill themselves. Like I get it lol. It’s nice to laugh instead of be pitied.

It makes me feel so bad when people have to make accommodations for me.

I spent my whole life trying to be as independent as possible, and now I’m in a position where I NEED to rely on others.

Idk. I know how having chronic pain can make you feel hopeless.

But everyone I’ve talked to who is also in my position are the most positive and ambitious people I’ve met. They want to live their lives so much.

It’s people looking in with their oh no that must suck glasses that assume how I feel.

And that’s why it sucks that people think being in pain all the time when for me it’s just the depression.

I feel so bad that I’m choosing to just push through the pain to have a full time job because I don’t want to feel like a loser anymore.

I’ll literally be taking a pay cut and I’ll have to work more which will be hard. But idc because at least I’ll feel like I have a purpose and I’m doing something.

People always say, but toehwa6, you have a part time job, and you’re fucked! What are you gonna do!

I’m gonna do whatever the fuck I want even if I want to kill myself the whole time.

Hopefully it makes my depression better.

I’m starting to just ramble and shit but idk I hope you read it.

I just say push til tomorrow and it’ll be better. Even if it sucks too or it’s worse just tell yourself tomorrow will be better.

Just do what you want to do

Thanks

[qglacier23]

tw vent in tags

[goremet-chef]

me feeling guilty for not saving someone in my dream like i

if i knew what was going on i wouldve got him im so sorry man if it happened too fast and i shouldve known i shouldve called out or grabbed him but i just panicked and ran and he fucking died because of me

i know i shouldnt be so upset, it was only a dream, but

my dreams are very vivid, and it doesnt help that like. when im stressed, i dissociate, and my brain tends to wander to the worst possible scenario, and itll stick. i find it really really hard to pull myself out of it because to me, what happens in my head seems just as real, maybe even MORE real than what happens irl

so even if its been hours since the stressful event, i might still be just as stressed (maybe even more stressed) because im stuck in a "what if" scenario that will play itself out fully and its hard to shake it off

that happened in my dream, something bad happened at our highschool and even after i escaped and ran to my friends house, i was in her house and crying and begging for her help because i could still hear the screams and shit even though i was far away and safe

i think THATS what really fucked with me, my brain playing off of my own trauma response and applying it to my dreams just made it so real, cuz yeah i am stuck in horrible events typically, any time they happen im stuck there even after they end, stuck in a spiral of what couldve happened if things got worse you feel me?

even after im awake and its been several hours i still feel that same dread, its making it hard to breathe

the worst part? the dream was so good at first. i was friends with a youtuber i watch and we went to school together and i sat with his friends on the first day cuz he invited me and they were accepting of me being trans and i fit right in immediately as one of the guys. i was so happy man. it felt so fucking good to just be seen as i am, for someone to be EXCITED to know me, even if i was new

its something i struggle with constantly, i just never really fit in no matter where i go. even when i make friends, and things seem to be going great, ill second guess myself and step away. ill perceive rejection where there isnt any and ill assume they dont want me around, etc. its a never ending cycle of me being unable to keep anything good, its so.

AGGRAVATING it suck ass. sometimes its not even me! i know i say this a lot but i mean it genuinely when i say that normal people find me offputting and weird immediately. there is no second guessing, there is no oh maybe ill get to know him, NO. i freak people out with my mannerisms alone, and its really sad. i didnt have hardly any friends in highschool since i moved from my hometown to go, i made a total of 4 over the course of 3 years, and of those 4, 3 moved away. my last year was the saddest loneliest thing ever, all my teachers thought i was depressed and thought i wanted to kill myself so they were all nice to me and checking on me. it was so humiliating? to be so isolated that people NOTICE yr isolated

nevermind when i started hallucinating, that was soo great 😁 really loved that era /s

my life has been drowned out with such a profound loneliness that i dont even know where to start to combat it. it hurts my heart to think about it. to think about the jealousy and embarrassment i felt for the longest time when i realized my closest friends, my ONLY friends, had friends outside of me. that no matter what, even in a group as weird as us, id be the weirdest and i wouldnt be as charming as them, i couldnt keep a conversation like them and so all i had was them

now i do have other friends, but its still.. i dont know how to talk. and i know i make posts like this every once and a while but i guess im just? im a very low maintenance friend i guess. if we're friends, i will always like you. if we dont fall out in some sort of way, i will always hold you close to my heart. even if we dont talk much, i still love you

i dont really know how to like? ENGAGE i struggle with engaging. im alone all the time so i just talk about myself and my things in my own channel, i live through my characters most of my day. i feel like i might be a bad friend? as much as i like to insist i can handle someone and i know what its like to feel rejection and shit cuz of bpd, i think im still not good. i dont know how to engage with someone, i wanna have a meaningful conversation but if its not about my stuff, im bad at responding. i care!! i swear i do, i just dont know how to make that super clear, cant ask questions cant do any of that i just try to make it clear that i want to hear more yknow? i guess im just used to talking nonstop to myself so i just figure thats how other people like to have conversations too, but i think im wrong

idk it sucks. my heart is heavy today. im gonna try and draw cuz i want to but theres just so many things. im stressed, is all