#i am saddness

[v2is-baby]

the struggle of yearning but feeling unworthy

[vampiric-prose]

Bite at my neck; feed on my rich, tortured blood.

It should do one of us some good.

I would hate to see a pooling river of red go to waste,

Withering out against the dry and violent hands of drought,

Suffocating the banks and depleting an ecosystem.

As sun rises,

Drain me.

Take all that I am and put it beneath your teeth,

For all that I am is nothing worth driving forward to tomorrow’s dusk,

And it is always such sorrow to see so much blood go to waste.

[iamthunderhearmehowl]

Let me tell you about the tattoo that my mom hates (this is a long ass post btw)

✨️Trigger Warning✨️

Suicide / Depression

- - - - - -

Hey, hi, it's me. This is the only place I feel really open about sharing things - but with the holidays and cold months coming up I know how hard it can be for people who are struggling with depression/ bi polar / familial trauma, etc. So here's this post to remind you (and me) that we'll be okay. You and me. We will be okay. We are still breathing, and with every breath we take, we still have a shot at living the lives we've dreamed of.

You see this tattoo? I got it as a reminder. Oh yeah, also it's a Dark Souls tattoo. It says "Don't You Dare Go Hollow".

My mom HATES it, but she has come to terms with how much I love this tattoo.

But anyways, I got this tattoo to remind myself to keep going. I got it about 1-2 years after I attempted to leave this earth on my own accord.

Background (skip if you want)

It was 2020. I had been a Veterinary Assistant (technician basically depending on what state you're in, TN treats the assistants the same as technicians). Clients were beating me down dude. I had phones thrown at me. I had death threats. I had people telling me I was a worthless piece of shit. I wanted to help these animal, but to do that I felt like I had to take and accept this slurry of abuse. I was unmedicated. I felt alone. I felt like I was nothing. An empty vessel. So one day I was supposed to go to work and we were working on a skeleton crew. 12 to 13 hours a day, days in a row, sometimes we would still have to go in on our off days. I couldn't do it anymore. I called out. I said I was sick. The response "I'm sorry you're sick, but that puts our team in a hard spot". That was it. The last straw.

I ended up going to the ER. I stayed there for a week. And thrn I ended up in a mental institution for 3 days. I was started on Zoloft.

All was well for a little bit. I stayed in my profession and decided to go to Tech School to brighten my future and make some more money.

It was. The most stressful time of my life. While I did leave my previous clinic I switched to ER and Specialty and lasted only about 6 months there. Before I realized I was spiraling again. I felt like a failure as a tech. I was worthless. I wasn't enough. I got let go. If I had been doing this for 5 years and could do this what fucking good was I? I saw the signs. I understood what was happening. I sought help and went to group therapy at a behavioral hospital.

It was amazing. The people I met, the counselors, I made so many friends and people who believed in me. We increased the dosage of my meds.

Now. I'm at a new clinic. I'm spiraling again. I'm in bad health. The doctors don't know what's wrong with me, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it's stress from my career. I still come home sobbing. I come home feeling empty. No amount of medication can help free me from the unhappiness of my job. At one point I loved it. Somewhere along the way I realized that this isn't the life I want. I love your pets. I love my current clients. But I can't take the pressures of possibly getting hurt or sick. My back is messed up from this job, all of my joints pop and hurt, I have damaged and fractured my teeth from grinding them from stress. I am always tired. Working 10+ hours with just a one hour break isn't cutting it. I am miserable.

So.

I took the fucking leap guys. I'm doing it. I'm switching my career. I'm going back to my roots. I'm being creative and doing what. I started podcasting and realized how much I missed being myself. My VTNE is next month and I don't give a shit.

The game changer was really being inspired by the voice acting in Baulder's Gate 3. Hearing Neil Newbon's speech when he accepted his award made me cry. I took one of Steve Blums voice acting classes and . . . My God it was like finally hearing the affirmation I never got from my parents.

Back to the Tattoo

My point is, no matter how hard it gets, please allow yourself to enjoy the things you love and fuck what everyone else says. You do yourself a disservice if you don't give yourself a break. If you don't be true to yourself, if you don't strive for the life you've dreamed of.

It's why my tattoo is the Bonfire from Dark Souls. In your journey, you're going to fail multiple times. Sometimes, you get hung up on the same damn spot over and over and over again. Sometimes, you have to reface your enemies. DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE BOSS BATTLES. You may fail thousands of times, but you know what you do? You go back to your bonfire- your safe place- and you heal up. You get the fuck back up the next day and do it again. Sometimes your game plan changes. You don't have to fight this boss today. You can fight him when you're ready. You don't have to make huge progress in the game today - you can dick around and look for good armor. You can change the whole path you take if you want to - it doesn't matter. In the end you will eventually accomplish what you've came to do.

I have really been fighting for my life lately, but I don't want to lose hope. If I give up, then I'll never see the end of the game or move on to the next one.

It's hard sometimes. But my favorite quote is:

"So if you ever find yourself in a slump, remember your purpose - whatever it may be - and never stop fighting for your goals, no matter how crazy they may seem. And don't you dare go hollow"

I don't know you guys but I love you. And if you need someone to tell you that personally my inboxes are open.

[demon-of-the-ancient-world]

I want to talk about Athelstan's hallucinations in season 2

He's shown to suffer from them multiple times both before and after the crucifixion, and how it's never quite clear as to whether they're just a cinematic device to show his confliction and the stress he's under (and therefore only really there for the audience's sake), or if he's actually seeing these things in the world of the show way, or if these things *are* really happening in a sense (see - the Mary/angel (?) vision in 2.05; if you were Christian especially at the time it's set, that could be seen as an Actual Heavenly Visit, but it could like. also just be a hallucination because his brain is Bad)

I once heard a theory that Joan of Arc suffered from migraines (which can cause hallucinatory auras in some cases) and that her visions could actually have been a result of that - I'm not saying Athelstan necessarily has the same condition but like. As someone who gets migraines (though minus the freaky aura stuff) I know they show up when the brain is Overstimulated and Unhappy. I also know that hallucinations can occur when a brain is Overstimulated and Unhappy from a variety of causes. And Athelstan has like every cause atm.

(I'm mainly talking about yeah that one scene in the courtyard and then also the demon under the bed scene, and whatever was going on in the communion scene - those were the ones that seemed the most ambiguous to me, the others (blood on the hands, Random Encounter Jesus at the party in 2.10) I think are a result of PTSD and/or just there for the audience to know "oh shit he's still Conflicted about this stuff and religion haunts him")

Listen though in this episode Athelstan:

Was crucified literally like a week ago and is still obviously in a lot of pain

Likewise is probably not sleeping due both to physical pain and the trauma of his situation therefore sleep deprived as all hell

Also I can't imagine he's been eating well or very much

Is probably dehydrated and weak from blood loss

(This is pure speculation but I saw it in a fic once) possibly is taking/has been taking some kind of Medieval painkillers and god knows what's in those

(also pure speculation) could also potentially have/is recovering from a fever due to improper wound care/general extreme bodily stress

Just recently witnessed/participated in a stressful situation on top of all this

Is clearly fucking exhausted

This is a recipe for a Bad Bad Brain

Basically, your boy isn't experiencing some kind of religious epiphany or hanging out with actual demons in episode 5- your boy needs to go the fuck to bed

@levithestripper

@procrastinatingsoicanreadfanfics please please tell me if you want me to stop tagging you in my athelstan bullshit bc I'm gonna keep doing it otherwise i need t oScream with u

[mainsamayhoon]

Doctor *I can't stop smiling looking at her* dhruv y'all

[chaosmultiverse]

@dementedspeedster

Bart had a deep frown, his glare at Thad wasn't quite hateful and it wasn't pitiful either, he didn't pity Thad... No that wasn't the right word.

"It isn't pity. You can think whatever. I just... It's unfair, it was unfair for you and it sucks ass for me." Bart crossed his arms and his body turned so it was facing the side, not really away but not facing him, though his head was still very much turned to look at Thad, he knew very much better than to turn his back on Thad.

"So I'd say it's pretty sad, but whatever. I wasn't really expecting a... I dunno, a constructive conversation, it's sorta like screaming at a brick wall with you, ya know?" Bart hadn't really meaned to run into Thad, but... Admittedly dealing with Thad be it fights or these... Going no where conversations it was a decent way of venting some anger.

[messy-paws]

I have so much art butin all honestly i am So Scared to post. Id like to make my own website to post on but that takes timeee. Idk... I may start posting again as i miss sharing it, and when i do work on my personal blog, move them to there? Agh ^^;

[nathan-thiry]

[roffitoucan]

Meow meow mew meow meow mow mow

[akuma-hoshi]

Sebastian losing himself in demon form, going completely feral and only Ciel can bring him back.

Ciel trying his best to hold back his tears while watching Sebastian get bloody. Sharpen fangs and claw nails. The room surround with black inky tendrils that blotch with multiple widen eyes. Even still, Ciel saw the demon's silhouette in the mess. He can see the butler suit torn and stain with crimson that match the hell fire eyes.

"Sebastian," the fifth time the name has been called. This time with the last of the Young Master's desperation. His small voice sounding like it's going to break and disappear into the demon's darkness.

The dainty hand reaches to the fierce demon. He assume by where the silhouette is, that's where Sebastian would be. But how can that be determine when every demonic black tendrils that surround him is the monster. His gut feeling is telling him so.

Ciel's breath hitches as he parts his lips again, "Se-Sebastian."

This time the tears just right at the edge. His hand passes through the smoke-like black and it rests against soft skin, Sebastian's skin. Ciel feels a slight relief and the tears in his eyes finally fall.

"Seb-Sebastian," Ciel's voice cracks, "Sebastian, look at me."

All of the wide eyes in the room avert their stare to the small earl. The inky tendrils slowly point towards Ciel, anticipating what the little one has to say.

"I'm here," Ciel says, "I'm safe. So, please..." His voice hitches again as his body starts to go into an hyperventilating state. The tears now just flooding his sight and damps his cheeks, "please come back to me, Sebastian."

With his free hand, he wipes his tears and averts his eyes back to the demon. It always happens too fast. Ciel is staring back at the butler face he knew, Sebastian Michaelis. He sees the tendrils going back inside the demon and the claw nails averting back. The room slowly brightening up again as the demonic darkness slithers inside Sebastian.

Ciel blinks once more. Sebastian Michaelis is standing in front of him now. The butler returns a frown from seeing the sadden sight of his Young Master.

"Young-"

Before Sebastian can continue, the earl wraps his arms around the taller one. He just sobs into the butler's chest. Relief from the thought of losing his demon.

[toesuckler]

14, 42, 53 :3

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?

nope! i hate the idea of going back in time and messing up something really minor. and the thing that i would change (gf in the psych ward) i wouldn't know how to stop it.

42. What is wrong with you right now?

im a cat. im a kitty cat. and j dance dance dance and i dance dance dance.

(suicidal ideation and generally seeing myself as a non-human subservient to mankind.)

53. Do you like rain?

YES! i love it. its so beautiful. i dont purrticularily enjoy how cold it is when im wet because it makes my joints hurt and walking hard- but the rain is so immensely beautiful and the smell ee amazing.

[sharkyyyyyyyyyyyy]

boo bitches

i have a potato

[iamthunderhearmehowl]

Unfortunately, we lost one of our dogs yesterday at the ER. It was so sudden. She was only a year old. We spent Thanksgiving digging a grave as we couldn't afford to cremate her. Um, to make myself feel better, I may write some wholesome headcannons about Halsin and his daughter. If you want more content like that, there's a masterpost pinned to my page. Thanks

[teathattast]

30 minute Zumba Strong workout ✅

Drink my little drinks ✅

Get new work clothes ✅

Buy groceries ✅

Anger rage even ✅

Pull my energy back from situations that aren't healthy for me ✅

Make music ✅

[niqthekitsune]

a kids show ending should've ever done this to me