#i am very trans

[bookshelfmonkey]

So, I've finished my reread of Hell Followed With Us by Andrew Joseph White.

This time round, I tabbed a bunch (by that I mean, a metric fuck-ton) of quotes.

Because I'm an english lit student at heart, I'm going to list them here, with a bit of (likely incoherent) analysis where it seems fit.

Hell Followed With Us spoilers ahead. These quotes are in order of when they appear in the book, so read as far ahead as you want.

"'You awake?'

'No'"

Honestly this just reminded me of a book I loved as a kid. We're starting with a light one

"'I'm super trans. Like, an honestly heretical amount of trans. Why?'

I've never met another trans person before."

This took me back to when I first found my community and started to feel a little less alone.

"Make them suffer."

Revenge.

"Shedding my insides out one orifice is more than enough"

"Thanks for the brain rot, Mom"

"Being autistic was just another thing his parents could hold over his head, could carve into his skin as they reminded him what a failure he was."

"he digs his palms into the rough carpet until his skin stops trying to crawl off his body"

Meltdowns. Gotta love 'em.

"His leg is still bouncing, but it always does that"

Despite this being one of my more "socially acceptable" stims, I still get a lot of shit for it. It was nice to see it mentioned in a book.

"and even with Erin, he finds himself trying not to be too autistic"

"Being transgender is who you are. The pain is what happens when you and the world go for each other's throats."

Although I still experience a lot of dysphoria related to my physical form that I still think I would experience if I was never again perceived by another human, a lot of my dysphoria and suffering comes from what the world has done to me. It took me a while to accept that.

"The lengths she's going to in order to avoid saying autistic is admirable"

Yeah, I hate it when people do that. Autistic isn't a dirty word. I also appreciate people not revealing that to others without my consent. It's a difficult line to walk.

"'It's okay to be scared,' he says.

I say, 'I'm scared all the time. I'm tired of it."

Yeah. This is definitely an attitude I get in response to my mental health and I hate it.

"dysphoria had to wrap its hands around my neck and hold me down, baptism in drowning, before I faced the fact that living as a girl would kill me long before the angels did"

"How dare you imply I'm heterosexual. I am disgusted and appalled."

"My dysphoria burns. I'll never get to have that. I've come to terms with it, sure, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt."

"It's harder for someone to pin you down as a girl when they need a moment to pin you down as human"

"I've always been his boyfriend, his fiancé, his future husband. Always Benjamin. Always me.

All that gets reduced to an elegant, 'Gayyy.'"

"Everything hurts. I want to take handfuls of my face and pull it off."

This feels like a metaphor for dysphoria.

"Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord."

The raw power of some of these lines.

"it is a relief to let go of the wrong pronouns. The actual ones are a blessing because they are the truth, and as much time as Nick spends lying, the truth is beautiful."

"I open my mouth to speak but can't"

"it's helpless, I never asked for this ... I'm a kid, and all I ever do is ruin things"

"'I don't know how to tell if I like someone. I don't know how it works, and I don't want to be wrong.' He says, 'I don't know why you would like me, I don't understand.' He says, 'There are no rules for this. It scares me'"

I can only hope I will find someone who understands this. In the meantime, I have this book.

"I will be good. I will make the angels fucking suffer."

"Do you believe in God?

- I do, please stop, there's so much blood"

"Nick told me that 99 per cent of lying is just figuring out what the other person wants to hear. He said it's what the Angels have always done, and I laughed because otherwise it would have hurt too much to acknowledge"

"I will be good, I will be good, I will be good, and I will feel far worse things than this."

"Hell has followed us onto Earth, and I am the monster that has brought it forth."

"We are alive, we are alive, holy shit, we are alive."

Thank you for listening to this TED talk.

[endusviolence]

Rowling isn't denying holocaust. She just pointed out that burning of transgender health books is a lie as that form of cosmetic surgery didn't exist. But of course you knew that already, didn't you?

I was thinking I'd probably see one of you! You're wrong :) Let's review the history a bit, shall we?

In this case, what we're talking about is the Institut für Sexualwissenschaft, or in English, The Institute of Sexology. This Institute was founded and headed by a gay Jewish sexologist named Magnus Hirschfeld. It was founded in July of 1919 as the first sexology research clinic in the world, and was run as a private, non-profit clinic. Hirschfeld and the researchers who worked there would give out consultations, medical advice, and even treatments for free to their poorer clientele, as well as give thousands of lectures and build a unique library full of books on gender, sexuality, and eroticism. Of course, being a gay man, Hirschfeld focused a lot on the gay community and proving that homosexuality was natural and could not be "cured".

Hirschfeld was unique in his time because he believed that nobody's gender was either one or the other. Rather, he contended that everyone is a mixture of both male and female, with every individual having their own unique mix of traits.

This leads into the Institute's work with transgender patients. Hirschfeld was actually the one to coin the term "transsexual" in 1923, though this word didn't become popular phrasing until 30 years later when Harry Benjamin began expanding his research (I'll just be shortening it to trans for this brief overview.) For the Institute, their revolutionary work with gay men eventually began to attract other members of the LGBTA+, including of course trans people.

Contrary to what Anon says, sex reassignment surgery was first tested in 1912. It'd already being used on humans throughout Europe during the 1920's by the time a doctor at the Institute named Ludwig Levy-Lenz began performing it on patients in 1931. Hirschfeld was at first opposed, but he came around quickly because it lowered the rate of suicide among their trans patients. Not only was reassignment performed at the Institute, but both facial feminization and facial masculization surgery were also done.

The Institute employed some of these patients, gave them therapy to help with other issues, even gave some of the mentioned surgeries for free to this who could not afford it! They spoke out on their behalf to the public, even getting Berlin police to help them create "transvestite passes" to allow people to dress however they wanted without the threat of being arrested. They worked together to fight the law, including trying to strike down Paragraph 175, which made it illegal to be homosexual. The picture below is from their holiday party, Magnus Hirschfeld being the gentleman on the right with the fabulous mustache. Many of the other people in this photo are transgender.

[Image ID: A black and white photo of a group of people. Some are smiling at the camera, others have serious expressions. Either way, they all seem to be happy. On the right side, an older gentleman in glasses- Magnus Hirschfeld- is sitting. He has short hair and a bushy mustache. He is resting one hand on the shoulder of the person in front of him. His other hand is being held by a person to his left. Another person to his right is holding his shoulder.]

There was always push back against the Institute, especially from conservatives who saw all of this as a bad thing. But conservatism can't stop progress without destroying it. They weren't willing to go that far for a good while. It all ended in March of 1933, when a new Chancellor was elected. The Nazis did not like homosexuals for several reasons. Chief among them, we break the boundaries of "normal" society. Shortly after the election, on May 6th, the book burnings began. The Jewish, gay, and obviously liberal Magnus Hirschfeld and his library of boundary-breaking literature was one of the very first targets. Thankfully, Hirschfeld was spared by virtue of being in Paris at the time (he would die in 1935, before the Nazis were able to invade France). His library wasn't so lucky.

This famous picture of the book burnings was taken after the Institute of Sexology had been raided. That's their books. Literature on so much about sexuality, eroticism, and gender, yes including their new work on trans people. This is the trans community's Alexandria. We're incredibly lucky that enough of it survived for Harry Benjamin and everyone who came after him was able to build on the Institute's work.

[Image ID: A black and white photo of the May Nazi book burning of the Institute of Sexology's library. A soldier, back facing the camera, is throwing a stack of books into the fire. In the background of the right side, a crowd is watching.]

As the Holocaust went on, the homosexuals of Germany became a targeted group. This did include transgender people, no matter what you say. To deny this reality is Holocaust denial. JK Rowling and everyone else who tries to pretend like this isn't reality is participating in that evil. You're agreeing with the Nazis.

But of course, you knew that already, didn't you?

Edit: Added image IDs. I apologize to those using screen readers for forgetting them. Please reblog this version instead.

[roebeanstalk]

colored sketch for @yuri-goth !!

[gendeerdeer]

I was just referred to as a "girl" and a "lady" three times within five minutes and now I'm gonna throw up

[queruloustea]

sketched some more maskless quirrels, since i wasn't all too fond of what i had :]

[thesillyguyy]

I should really be more productive

Okay yeah

If this gets, let's sayyyyyy... 2500 notes, I'll post on tumblr not as often, I'll TRY to be more productive, including drawing, cleaning things I need cleaned, take walks more often, sleep earlier, get up earlier on the weekends, etc.

I'll think of more things, and if the goal is reached, I'll list each and every thing that I will try to do.

25 notes per person, please

And I'll realllyyyyyyy try this time I promise

You have until the end of May

[lazylittledragon]

hey idk which anxious pre-t babe needs to hear this but i didn't get to when i was younger so. testosterone will not make you ugly. it won't make you a horrible person. it won't 'mutilate' or ruin your body. if you want to go on testosterone then literally all that happens is it makes you really fucking hot and REALLY fucking happy.

[starsmca]

metamorphosis

🌕

i got super inspired from an excerpt of @sweatermuppet 's poem 'two questions' and had to draw something for it

[inkskinned]

something bad happened to you, and you died, and you came back wrong.

not wrong all the way. the little ways. you forget important dates, stopped going out with friends. it's harder to make you smile. you're apathetic towards things you used to love, afraid of places you used to go to cheer up. quieter. flinching. different.

you came back for love. you're still here for love. what pulled you back was a brightness so loud that even death couldn't outshout it. death heard the call and smiled at you and said okay. go home. somebody is waiting for you.

but you came back different. like lot's wife; you've turned into salt. you used to chirp through life in hops and skips; but now you lose skin just standing up. you have to move slower, skimming across this world without-touching-it. most things feel dull - until they're suddenly all-too-much. life, and being alive just rushes up and over you and you get hopelessly crushed.

you try to explain it to them: it is ugly, but this is what you are, now. the huge golden hoop of your halo now a little bronze ring. you are still watering your plants and wearing the same clothes. after all, you worked hard to come home. this life; so odd and off-color, now that you are wrong.

but they waited for you - it's just that they wanted the "you" that happened before this. the "you" that could sing in the show and hug people tight and look at a blade without breaking down to cry. the you with a smile in pictures. god, holyshit, it's like looking at a completely different person, isn't it. that other-you; the one they actually wanted.

you are the consolation prize. you are the body that forgot the ghost. you are the memory of the bad thing, and the death after; like you are wearing that memory as a banner. you are a fragment, an assembly. simulacrum. you don't make eye contact in mirrors, afraid the light will glance off and your true nature will flash back at you.

you hear them talk about it in their hushed, desperate whispers. sometimes they even admit it to your face; harsh and violent, acid thrown at christmas dinner. god, can you just fucking be normal again. you do not remember what normal is. you had to climb so far to get back here; you are far too exhausted. you want to open the glass door of your heart and show all the gears. can you help resolve whatever got messed up?

you try so, so hard. you came back for them. because you believed they would love you, even when you were so horribly broken. because you believed they would be patient. because you believed unconditional meant "without exception." you cannot do things the same way. you just get tired too quickly these days.

you want to put them on a couch and pour them the tea with hands that shake more than they remember. you want to line them up and draw them a map of where you have had to wander. you want to show every bruise in a backsplash; the little helpless ant of your soul carrying all that weight, over and over. you want to say: yes! it is different! but i did it for love!

you want to say: "i'm not the same, but i'm yours and i'm here. can that be enough?"

[wee-english-fella]

[uncanny-tranny]

It's always, like, mildly annoying when people see a het trans couple and go "all that work just to be straight?" like... one, you don't know if they're straight and two, trans people don't owe you a queer sexuality to "make up" for the fact we're trans. Transhet people aren't a subtype of trans people, they're members of the trans community, and the queer one if they so desire!

[koboldfactory]

if i were to guess... you are an enjoyer of 'woemn', yes?

what do you think

[privatejoker]

i feel strongly that articulating your hurt and your desire for connection and care because of that hurt creates more room for everyone to do the same. i do not think it steals space.

we don't have to settle for a room small enough just for our personal pain. if we don't settle, then seeing anyone in pain in a different way from ourselves doesn't have to feel threatening. it can be a point of connection.

we can take care of others and take care of ourselves and be taken care of. i think everyone deserves the opportunity to experience all of that.

letting people set the terms of their own suffering and what being cared for may mean is something i believe in. i am trying my best to imagine what it would mean to meet those needs on the terms set by the other person, even if the terms seem imperfect. no one on this planet will articulate perfectly the pain they experience. that is an absurd standard.

i am also trying to let myself receive care imperfectly, genuine care. and i am learning to differentiate imperfect care from cruelty. i am learning also what it feels like to be trapped inside of someone else's small room. i am trying to be okay with expecting mutuality, even if i am made to feel guilty for it

human imperfection makes it all hard work which means it's probably worth doing

[orykorioart]

Guess I’m continuing the tradition of sliding in a Blups just before pride month ends just like last year lol (special shout-out to all the folks who tagged last year’s post with T4T 🏳️‍⚧️)

[Image description: Illustration of Lup and Barry from TAZ. They are dressed in casual wear, happily holding a trans pride flag over them as they smile happily at each other.

Lup is a slim elven woman with light brown skin, her brown hair is partially dyed a light pink, and held in a messy bun. She is wearing a red top with a golden phoenix pin, and a light-grey skirt with a thin bi-pride trim. She is also wearing a demiromantic themed bracelet.

Barry is pale older man with a chubby, stocky build, his hair is dark-grey with some salt-and-pepper, and is slightly pushed back. He is wearing a jean-jacket over his white t-shirt, adorned with the bi and demiromantic pins, and blue jeans.

End Description]

+Close-up cuz I love them 💖 (also, click for better quality, cuz oops)

[adhd-coyote]

The Clone Wars end when Cody hears Palpatine purposefully misgendering Obi-Wan and murders him on the spot

[prussianbluevelvet]

Still seeing feminists in 2023 claiming that ‘emasculation isn’t real’ and it’s still baffling me.

How can you look at the lived realities of Asian and Jewish men and think “yeah these men totally aren’t emasculated and viewed as lesser males or less masculine than white men and it’s totally not dehumanising or racist or anything 😌” like. Racism against MOC doesn’t always look like portraying them as aggressive or dangerous, it can also look like viewing certain types of minority men as ‘failed’ men and ‘lacking real manhood’ as a dehumanising tactic. Myths about Jewish men previously portrayed them as having periods and being ‘basically women’. Asian men are fetishised and stripped of their manhood frequently by K-pop stans and people online who don’t realise that masculinity and gender roles look slightly different in non-western cultures.

Also… trans men. Who are FORCEFULLY emasculated and feminised against their will, by genocidal bigoted conservatives, and sometimes even somewhat by other queer people telling them to ‘tone down’ their non-toxic masculinity to avoid making others uncomfortable, making themselves dysphoric and detached from their gender identities to remain palatable.

What about disabled men? Are they not also viewed as failing to achieve proper manhood? Are they not also emasculated and viewed as ‘un-male’ or ‘less male’?

Minority men absolutely can and do experience emasculation. And it’s not ‘toxic’ or misogynistic to bring it up. Feminists who care about POC in particular should not be pretending otherwise.