#i can’t say my life is without passion…although i’ve lost myself a bit in the routine of work and general survival

[shibe]

i have never been sure of anything in my life

[goldenavenger02]

my pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand

5 times Zane took care of the team and 1 time the team took care of Zane

•••

1;

"You three are brothers now, and will become stronger together. But for now, you must get acquainted with each other." Sensei's words rang in Zane's head as he made his way into the kitchen of the monastery.

While Jay had been somewhat easy to get introduced to, with his passion for robotics and his tendency to talk, they had become close very quickly.

Cole, however, was a bit harder to speak to; Zane could tell that Cole was a good person, as he was extremely loyal to Sensei even though he had just started his training under him, but he was also closed off to Jay and Zane.

And while he didn't know why, Zane had a feeling it was more so due to some sort of pain in his past, and not him viewing himself and Jay as lower than him.

Which is why Zane was now in the kitchen; he could never quite place exactly why, but he always felt at peace when he was cooking. Something about making something out of nothing was soothing to him.

But before he had decided what exactly he was going to make, that's when Cole came in, a look of longing across his face.

"Hello, Cole," Zane greeted, offering him a smile, but it faded when Cole stiffened, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you."

"It's alright, just startled me," Cole insisted, the look of longing came back before he asked, "are you making anything specific?"

"I have not decided. Do you have a request?" Zane asked, trying to read Cole's face.

"Can you make cake? Vanilla cake?"

"Absolutely," Zane smiled, going to grab the ingredients before asking, his back turned to Cole, "are we celebrating something, or is it just cake?"

He heard Cole take in a deep breath, almost as if he was trying to avoid crying, which didn't make much sense, since from what he knew, cake was never for sad things.

Zane turned around to see Cole staring at the counter before he responded.

"Yeah, it's…" he swallowed before locking eyes with Zane, "it would have been my mom's birthday. She passed away a few months ago."

"I am sorry for your loss, Cole." Zane spoke softly, unsure of how best to comfort someone he didn't know very well.

The room went quiet for a few moments, and Zane busied himself with grabbing the rest of the cooking supplies when Cole spoke up again, his voice cracking slightly from the tears.

"Can I help?"

Zane nodded, allowing Cole behind the counter before Zane got to work on the dry ingredients, watching as Cole started working on the wet ingredients.

And when Zane tripped over his own foot, resulting in Cole being covered in flour head to toe, he couldn't stop himself from laughing when Cole did, although he didn't fully understand exactly what was so funny.

2;

"Come on, you stupid hunk of junk!" Nya's shout rang through the Bounty, startling everyone that was aboard.

"How long has she been working on the thruster?" Zane asked, wondering just how long she had gone without food, sleep and water.

"Since yesterday afternoon, I can't pry her away from it." Jay explained, which led Zane to nod before making his way to the control room.

Nya was hunched over the thruster controls, screwdriver in her left hand and a screw hanging out of her mouth, her eyebrows scrunched in anger as she continued to twist the wrench with her right around a bolt.

"Nya?" Zane spoke softly, not wanting to provoke her, before gently putting his hand on her shoulder, "perhaps you should take a break. Jay said that you have been working on it since yesterday."

"I've gotta work on this," she shook her head after taking the screw out of her mouth, "we don't know when we'll have to make a getaway from...whatever Lord Garmadon is planning."

Zane nodded; since Garmadon had disappeared after the destruction of the golden weapons, they had all braced themselves for an attack, even Lloyd who had just started learning the full extent of his powers was getting ready for whatever his dad was going to throw at them.

"I understand your reasoning perfectly, but you are human, Nya. You will get burnt out if you work yourself too hard," he stopped to gently take the wrench out of her hand so she would look at him, "and if we have any chance at stopping Garmadon, we are going to need Samurai X."

Luckily, Nya nodded, and put up her tools, before wiping at her brow with her arm. "Thanks, Zane."

"You're welcome." Zane couldn't help but smile as he watched Nya make her way towards her quarters, and that's when he turned back to the thruster, and started to get to work with schematics pulled up in front of him.

"You will fly again, my friend."

3;

Despite the fact that it was called "The Dark Island", Zane had actually found the perfect place to sit on the beach and watch the sunrise, which was hidden by large rocks, even though he could see the ocean perfectly.

He knew that the others would wake up soon, and they would start working towards the final battle yet again, but for a brief moment, everything was peaceful.

Until he heard the footsteps.

Zane immediately drew his weapon, hearing the slight rustle of sand get louder and louder, until finally, he stood and yelled, ready to attack until the supposed assailant screamed, energy at both of their hands.

Zane immediately sheathed the weapon and took a deep breath, watching as Lloyd did the same, his hand against his chest. "You scared me, Lloyd."

"Likewise," Lloyd took a deep breath before raising an eyebrow, "what're you doing?"

"I'm watching the sunrise, it looks beautiful from here," Zane explained, sitting back down and watching Lloyd's face fall, "although, I could ask you the same thing."

"I just needed some time for myself," Lloyd told him, sitting next to Zane before letting out a sigh, "I don't think I'm ready."

"To fight your father?," Zane offered, resulting in a nod from Lloyd, "You have every reason to be upset about this situation. I just reunited with my father, and I can confidently say that I would be very distraught if we were on opposite sides."

"My entire life, I've lost people. My father got banished, my mother went to work on her research and left me at Darkley's, even my uncle didn't take me in for a long time," Zane watched as Lloyd took in a shaky breath before wiping his face against his sleeve, "I don't wanna lose him again."

"Again?" Zane asked softly, as to avoid provoking Lloyd.

"My dad has been the only one to come back for me. When I got taken by the Serpentine, he left whatever evil place he was in to come save me, and I know you guys came for me too, but…"

"You're scared of being abandoned again after you fulfill the prophecy." Zane spoke aloud as it clicked in his head, and when Lloyd nodded, he could feel his heart break slightly.

"I don't want to be alone again."

Zane nodded, before gently laying his hand on Lloyd's shoulder and he saw the tear streaks on Lloyd's cheeks. "You won't be alone again, because you have me and the others. We are your brothers, and even if you didn't have elemental abilities, we would still be your brothers."

Zane didn't prepare himself adquitally for the hug that Lloyd gave him, and he could feel his circuits and gears tightening under his grasp.

But hearing Lloyd's soft voice whisper, "thank you, Zane," made it all worth it, and he couldn't stop himself from returning the hug.

4;

"No sign of Chen or any of his warriors." PIXAL affirmed with a smile, which led Zane to repeat the message to Kai.

Now that he had been freed, he was fully able to explore exactly what his new body could do, and while he remembered big events clearly and flashes of small things, his memory was still foggy.

But he remembered his friends, and that was the biggest thing that mattered to him.

"Any sign of Skylor?" Kai begged, and Zane had no choice but to shake his head no, seeing the look of anguish on Kai's face grow more prominent.

"Let's keep looking. They couldn't have gotten off the island." Kai insisted, Zane following closely behind, watching as Kai's face went from anger to worry.

"You seem distraught, Kai. About more than Skylor," Zane reached forward and gently set his hand on Kai's shoulder, watching as he turned back to meet his eyes, "do you want to talk about it?"

Kai let out a sigh before turning back to the path and continued to walk, "I feel terrible for what happened. I had to trick Lloyd in order to get the staff from Chen, and then I almost hurt Lloyd and Skylor with the staff. Now she's missing, and...I feel like that's on me."

"No one blames you for that, Kai. Chen is the one who took her, not you." Zane reasoned softly.

"But I allowed myself to be corrupted by the staff. We all know how bad losing power is for Lloyd, and I allowed the power to consume me, to say things to him that...that I haven't believed in a long time."

"As soon as we get back, you two should talk and get everything out in the open," Zane stopped once again to put his hand on Kai's shoulder, "if we are going to fight as one, and stop Chen, we cannot have any harsh feelings towards each other."

"You're right," Kai nodded, before letting out another sigh, "I just hope Lloyd doesn't hate me."

"I think that would be impossible, Kai," Zane insisted, and when Kai turned to raise an eyebrow at him, he continued, "I do not remember everything, and my memories are still foggy, but I remember just how much Lloyd and you have bonded over the years. I have a feeling that after you two talk, he will forgive you."

Kai smiled, which made Zane's emotion levels spike with happiness, before the two continued walking deeper and deeper into Chen's island.

5;

Zane couldn't shake the feeling that he was missing something, like there was a gap in his memory drive, even if PIXAL insisted that there wasn't one.

So he was awake in the bridge, trying to double check; he really did trust PIXAL, but something had happened to his memories, and after the whole situation with his memory switch in the first place, something about forgetting just scared him.

But as he continued to go through his internal hard drive, and his memory drive, it seemed as though PIXAL was correct, and there was no gap.

As he went to close the files, that's when PIXAL popped up in his vision.

"Zane, there is someone in the general proximity of the bridge. Proceed with caution."

Zane straightened his back as he closed the files, even though the only sound he could hear was a slight sniffling that sounded a lot like crying, and grabbed one of the spare katanas that was out, turning slowly to see if he could scope out who was in the room, but that's when Jay turned the corner, a pint of ice cream in his hand that he almost threw at Zane when he screamed.

"What the heck are you doing up, Zane?!" Jay screeched as Zane set the katana on the table and approached him, "You're going to give me a heart attack if you're that quiet!"

"I'm sorry, I was just…" Zane trailed off before making eye contact with Jay, who now had the spoon from the pint of ice cream, that looked like it was Cole's ice cream, in his mouth; the tear streaks barely visible against Jay's cheeks, however, that's what Zane noticed, "What are you doing up at this hour?"

"Could ask you the same thing," Jay responded before sticking another spoonful in his mouth, "couldn't sleep, got hungry, and Cole's name isn't on his ice cream."

"I heard someone crying." Zane asked softly, watching as Jay nearly choked on a chunk of cookie dough before sputtering.

"Maybe it was Lloyd, you know he curls up under the wheel when he doesn't want anyone to know he's crying."

"Lloyd was snoring when I left our room, I would have seen him," he watched as Jay's body deflated slightly and he put the ice cream down on the console before sitting down, which led Zane to put his hand on his shoulder, "do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm just working through some things, things that...you wouldn't remember."

Zane swallowed as he made the connection that Jay knew exactly why he had a gap in his memory that PIXAL couldn't detect, but instead of freaking out, he sat next to Jay, and put his hand on his shoulder. "Maybe not, but I am willing to listen, even if you wanna erase this conversation afterwards."

"Nah, I'm not gonna do that," Jay wiped his hand across his face before taking a shaky breath and turning back to Zane, "You remember when we were trying to get to Stiix because of reports of Clouse being there?"

"Yes, that's when you and Nya resumed dating." Zane affirmed, watching as Jay's face fell slightly.

"Yeah, that's… not exactly what happened…"

6;

'Remember when I put Kai's clothes in with yours, and you had to dress up as the pink ninja? Remember?' The blonde boy pleaded, green eyes full of tears.

He had no idea what this liar was talking about, let alone who he was. Vex insisted he was some sort of liar or traitor, but there was something about the way…

'No.'

He had no idea who this was.

•••

Zane tried to shake the memory away as he made his way to his room, looking over at the photo on his dresser.

The picture that they had taken after finishing the mural on the monastery wall; where Kai was holding onto Nya and Lloyd and Nya was holding onto Jay and Jay was holding onto Cole and Lloyd was holding onto him and he was holding onto PIXAL.

And they were all happy; even though the Oni almost killed them all, there was a large gash next to Lloyd's eye and Cole looked like he had been through the underworld and back, they were happy.

Zane was anything but happy now.

When they returned from the Never-Realm, and they shared weary smiles and hugs with Master Wu and PIXAL, despite the frostbite, Lloyd's obvious concussion and the burns on Kai's hands that would definitely scar, they were happy.

The feeling in Zane's gut was not going away anytime soon. Watching as PIXAL stitched the cut on the back of Lloyd's head, applied bandages to Kai's hands, and treated the frostbite wasn't helping with that either.

Zane didn't deserve to feel happy after nearly killing the others. After nearly killing Lloyd.

While the others were eating dinner, courtesy of Nya, Zane was sitting outside on the steps of the monastery; he didn't need to eat, and even if he did, he didn't think he could stomach it.

'You were built to protect those who cannot protect themselves. You failed your purpose. Both as a ninja, and as yourself.'

Despite all that had happened with his memories, Zane was starting to consider asking Jay to wipe the archive of the Never-Realm. Maybe he wouldn't feel as bad then.

"Hey," a voice interrupted his thoughts, and he lifted his head to see Lloyd smiling at him, although it was more of a sympathetic smile than a genuine one, "mind if I sit here?"

"You're not supposed to be outside, or on stairs for that matter, without supervision," Zane reasoned, but still moved so Lloyd could sit beside him, "you still have a concussion."

"Well, you're here, so I'm being supervised," Lloyd reasoned while sitting, and Zane couldn't deny that logic, and the company was more welcome than the deafening silence, "besides, I need a break from Kai and Master Wu breathing down my neck."

Zane nodded as Lloyd adjusted to get comfortable; he had noticed how understandably protective both of them had grown since they had gotten back, and how Lloyd had insisted immediately that the concussion was Vex's fault, refusing to look Zane in the eye.

"So, are you leaving?" Lloyd's voice cracked, which jolted something in Zane's system as he nearly stood with the shock.

"No, no, I'm not leaving," he insisted, unable to ignore the relief on Lloyd's face as he spoke, "why would you ask that?"

"Because the last time you left the monastery at night, you found my treehouse," Lloyd kicked at a pebble before looking at Zane, "and when the Hypnobri burned down the old monastery-"

But Lloyd's voice cut out as the scene played out in his head.

'Flames, trapped dragons, no more training equipment, no home, nowhere to go, alone, everyone accusing him of causing this, insisting that it was a teaching moment, being ignored, seeing the falcon, following it, the feeling of being alone again.'

"I left because I saw the falcon, and you weren't even there." Zane tried to convince Lloyd that it hadn't been the guilt, feeling like he had screwed up, feeling like he was alone.

"You're right, I was busy being a brat," Lloyd reasoned before looking back at Zane, "but I know as well as anyone what guilt is, and you felt it then, like you feel it now."

Zane swallowed; did everyone know? Was he terrible at hiding this? Had they planned to send Lloyd out?

"I hurt people. A lot of people," Zane swallowed, knowing that there were tears in his eyes, "I hurt you."

"That was Vex-" Lloyd tried to insist, but Zane shook his head, unable to look at Lloyd and instead looked up at the glittering stars.

"You don't have to lie to me, Lloyd. They were my hands, I was the one who…" he couldn't even finish his sentence without choking on the emotions on his throat.

He felt Lloyd's hand on his shoulder, he couldn't look at him, but he couldn't reach over and pull his hand off either, 'what if I freeze him? What if I hurt him again?'

"You know, Master Wu has a saying for things like this, "we cannot change the past, but we can affect the future"," Lloyd quoted, leading Zane to swallow harshly as his master's words rang true in his head, "but I get it. Feeling like you hurt people because it was your hands."

'Morro.'

"Lloyd, I didn't-" Zane started, finally managing to look at Lloyd, but he was cut off by childlike wonder spreading across his face.

"A shooting star! Quick, make a wish!" Lloyd begged, and Zane wiped at his tears before closing his eyes, pretending to make a wish before turning back to Lloyd.

"What did you wish for?" He asked, fully indulging Lloyd at this point, who was standing up. 'Lloyd deserves this, after everything.'

"That you'll come back inside with me and the others," Lloyd held out his hand to Zane, making his head throb with worry.

'You'll hurt him, you'll hurt him, you'll hurt-' "You're not going to hurt me, Zane."

Zane took Lloyd's hand, and allowed him to lead him to the living room.

For the first time since they got back from the Never-Realm, as Cole and Kai went head to head in their video game, as Nya and Jay snuggled on the couch, as he sat in between Lloyd and PIXAL, things felt right again.

He let PIXAL hold his hand, he let Cole high five him, he let Jay give him a fist bump, he hit the empty bag of chips away from Lloyd's head. Even as Master Wu pulled Lloyd away from the TV due to the concussion and Cole took his spot, he still felt calm. Relaxed even. Maybe now, they could all start to heal together.

[lifeistooshorttowasteyourtime]

Different worlds, same heart - Chapter 8 (the end)

Chapter summary: After months apart, (Y/N) is determinate to keep fighting alongside Theseus and the ministry against Grindelwald and his followers. Her conviction and strength makes the Auror rethink about his choices, his feelings and the path he wants to follow.

PART 1 – PART 2 – PART 3 – PART 4 – PART 5 – PART 6 – PART 7

***

Theseus smiled sightly seeing the graduates reuniting with their families, some with joy, some with sadness. Some of them had lost relatives, friends… That celebration wasn’t a happy one. Those students had ended their life in Hogwarts, but it was far from being a happy occasion. The director and some professors, Dumbledore and (Y/N) between them, tried to cheer up the students, but they weren’t very successful.

(Y/N) said goodbye to some of her alumnus, with small smiles or hugs, specially from those who had lost someone and had found comfort with the professor. Theseus knew first hand all those loses, he was the one to give the bad news to the children back at the school next to the family. (Y/N) was always next to him to wrap her arms around the devasted families. The Auror and the professor had seen each other more than they thought in the last five months, although they would rather have met in other situations, like those weekends at London. Those days they could just forget about the war, walking, laughing, just in each other company.

The Auror titled his head approaching (Y/N) slowly without making his presence known. He thought about how he actually missed her when they weren’t together. At the beginning it scared him, feeling so strongly, but he ended up embracing it and accepting that he couldn’t stop the growing feelings for the Ravenclaw who had been respectful of his boundaries but without fear of being affectionate too.

“Take care, dear” she said to an alumnus who had lost both parents in a raid before she turned with a sad face.

But when (Y/N) saw Theseus there, a few meters from her, smiling slightly with his hands in his coat’s pockets, her face lit up. She ran towards him and wrapped her arms around his neck “thank you for coming” she whispered next to his ear.

Theseus smiled and hugged her back “of course, are you ready to go?”.

She pulled away and nodded “I think that, for the first time since I work as a professor, I want to leave Hogwarts, I need to go back to the ministry and fight”.

“We’ve talked about this…” he started to say.

“I-will-fight. Next to you” he knew it was a lost cause trying to talk her out of it, so he just nodded with a sigh “I have to say goodbye to some of the professors and take my trunk. Then, we can go”.

“I’ll wait for you at the main door”.

Not much later, Theseus and (Y/N) stood in front of her house back in London. Without a word, he followed her into the apartment where she sorted out her luggage. The Auror waited for her in the living room, looking through one of the windows.

“Theseus” he turned to see her back from her room “I wouldn’t want to keep you from doing…”.

“If they need me, they will send a patronus” he said walking to her and taking her hands softly “what do you want to do? We can stay here and just rest, you may be tired”.

“I’ve been tired for months, just like you” she said squeezing his hands “but if I stay here I will think about everything we’ve been through and the journey we still have ahead, and I don’t want to think anymore…” her eyes filled with tears.

Theseus pressed his lips into a think line and hugged her closely to his body “you still have nightmares?”.

“From time to time…” she whispered back and snuggled into his chest “but I’m okay. I will be fine”.

He kissed her hair and they stayed like that, breathing deeply into each other, enjoying the warmth and comfort. She cherished every hug Theseus was willing to give her and tried to make them as long as possible because, even though she knew the Auror felt something beautiful for her, he might not even act on his feelings soon. If ever.

“What do you want to do?” he asked after a while in silence.

“Let’s just see where our feet carry us”.

They started to walk through the streets of London, through High Park, until they decided to have dinner at the Leaky Cauldron. There, although some people recognized them, no one approached to talk because somehow, they knew that Theseus, as a wizard who was in the first line of the fight, needed to rest.

“How it was Newt’s class?” Theseus asked with a small smile.

“The students were delighted to have their last class of Care of Magical Creatures by the hand of the best one in that field. It was amazing” she smiled at Theseus who had the habit of tease her about her admiration for the youngest Scamander “as if I was to ask you to give a class about defensive spells and battling”.

“That’s a proposition for next year?”.

“I hope so” she said with sadness before taking a deep breath and looking up at him “you know? Yes, this is a proposition because we will be victorious and the students will learn a lot from the best Auror”.

Theseus smiled at her and took her hand over the table “your conviction is more than welcomed, I sometimes feel myself wondering if we’ll defeat Grindelwald”.

“We will” she said as a promised and a genuine smile.

After having dinner, the both of them decided to go back home, their tiredness began to become visible. In their way to her apartment, they walked through a park too familiar for them, although that night there was a muggle representation. They stopped to watch it, they didn’t understand what it was happening. Those persons were just singing and dancing with vibrant colours in their clothes, making the children around laugh.

(Y/N) sighed and took Theseus arm, leaning her head on his shoulder contemplating the spectacle in front of them. The Auror caressed her hand calling her attention and pointed to three persons a few meters from them. Those persons were looking at them and nodded, they were wizards and witches too. (Y/N) smiled and observed how their fellow wizards were enjoying the dance of the muggles.

“This is why we have to keep fighting, for us and for them. To live in harmony and enjoy the beauty of both worlds. To keep the muggles fascinated about the wonders they can’t explain, to relish in their simplicity and complexity. To keep having two types of magic, ours and theirs”.

Theseus stared at her profile, appreciating her words that were filled with determination and resonated in him with force.

(Y/N) shivered and he took his jacket, as the perfect gentleman he was, and put it over her shoulders. She smiled thankfully and put it on properly, a bit big on her figure but really warm.

They stayed just a couple of minutes more before keep going their way.

“I will go tomorrow morning to the minister, I know Dumbledore will too” she said once they were at her street.

“I can pick you up and go together, if you want” he suggested softly.

They stopped at her door and she turned to him smiling “sure, I’ll wait for you. Thank you for today, Theseus. Today and all days actually” she pulled her hair behind her ear shyly.

He smiled softly and took her hand, kissing the back of it “same here. Rest, okay?”.

“You too, goodnight”.

“Night” he said softly watching her stepped into her building.

Theseus walked down the street with a small smile, thinking about that night. Past nights. Smiles. Laughs. Touches. Looks… And he suddenly felt cold. And it wasn’t for the lack of jacket that he had just realized he didn’t have with him, but because of the absence of (Y/N) next to him. Theseus swallowed and turned, taking a run back to her house but found her already running to him.

“You forgot your jacket” she said smiling and taking it off.

The Auror observed her there, under the light of a lamppost, his jacket in her hand and a bright smile with twinkling eyes. And his heart made the choice at least.

Theseus ran the few meters that separated them and took her face softly, making her eyes widen in surprise, before he pressed his lips on hers softly. He heard his jacket fall to the floor and then he felt her pressing back her lips slightly with a sigh. The Auror pulled away slowly and opened his eyes to see (Y/N)’s eyes still closed for a few seconds before opening them and stare at him. His ragged breath hit her lips that made her bit her lower lip. Theseus smiled slightly before kissing her again. She smiled into the kiss and wrapped her arms around his neck, prompting him to press her to him by her waist before one of his hands travelled to the back of her head. Their lips speaking for them, demonstrating the desire contained all those months with passion.

When they pulled away, (Y/N) giggled happily and he chuckled kissing her forehead while holding her tightly. She looked up at him and stood on her tiptoes to peck his lips once more. Theseus caressed her cheek looking her with the most tender eyes. They didn’t need to say anything when their eyes and lips did say everything.

***

One year later

“Thank you very much, minister”.

“It’s always a pleasure to have you here, Ms. (Y/S)” the minister said standing up from his seat and went with her to the door of his office.

“It’s been a real honor that the new spells were registered under my authorship”.

“I wouldn’t have it in another way. They have been so helpful to defeat the followers of Grindelwald… There were so many of them even after Dumbledore’s victory” the man said with a sad sigh “but we are now at peace”.

“That we are, so we must enjoy our time with our love ones after all the terror we have suffered”.

“I couldn’t agree more with you”.

They smiled at each other before saying their goodbyes and (Y/N) left the minister’s office. Looking at her watch, she saw it was near time for lunch so she smiled brightly and walked to an office she had visited quite a bit in the last year. She knocked softly and waited to be allowed in.

“Hope you don’t have plans for lunch”.

Theseus looked up and smiled seeing there the woman who made his days bright, especially with the way she smiled at him like in that moment. He stood up and went to her as she closed the door behind her. The Auror took her face to kiss her sweetly “it’s not that I’m not happy to see you here but… What are you doing here? I don’t remember you telling me that you were coming”.

She smiled taking his wrists and caressing the back of his hands with her thumbs “I received an owl this morning really early, the minister was calling me for the authorship of the spells” he smiled brightly letting his hands go to her waist and her hands to his shoulders.

“So your work has finally been recognized, congratulations darling” he said before pecking her lips “now we do have to celebrate this great news!”.

“You can come to mine tonight if you want” she smiled sweetly at him.

“No, we will go out to dinner, and not to the Leaky Cauldron” he winked making her giggle.

(Y/N) raised her eyebrows with a smile before they were interrupted by an owl who pecked the window.

Theseus went to take the letter which made him smile “it’s from my brother. I guess you scolded him in your last letter to write to me too. I guess he liked you more than me”.

She laughed shaking her head “you know it’s not true, we just have a… Unique bond about the knowledge of magical creatures and our letters are more interesting that the ones you send him”.

“How dare you…” he said feigning hurt.

Through their relationship, Theseus learnt to let his less serious side appear comfortably. Even though he had joked with her before they started to court, he used to be on alert, as if he always was in Auror mode, so he wasn’t completely relaxed. Thankfully, next to (Y/N) he learnt to be not tense around her.

A thing he didn’t have to learn was the intimacy, both had been affectionate before and they didn’t have problem to display their love for each other when they were together. They kept it minimum when they were with more people, although Newt and Tina had seen them sharing soft touches and short kisses on the forehead or cheek, comfortable with the youngest brother and his girlfriend who were really happy for them.

Ever since that night Theseus summoned the bravery of the Gryffindors and let his heart speak, they had fought together, cried together, laughed together and just love each other without measure. She made him see things in another light while he challenged her, they were different but their differences joined them even more thanks to their comprehensive and generous natures. And what most united them were their desire to make the world a better place and the love they nurtured every day.

“Well, lunch. I’m afraid we’ll have to eat in the cafeteria here” he said pressing his lips into a thin line.

“It’s okay, it reminds me of our classes days” she replied smiling.

Theseus returned his smile, kept the letter of his brother in his pocket and took her hands “let’s go then”.

After having lunch together, (Y/N) left the ministry to go back to her apartment where Theseus met her that night.

She was finishing to get ready while the Auror waited for her in the living room. He saw many scrolls on the table and he couldn’t help himself but peeking. They were plans for the next year in Hogwarts which made him smile softly.

“Okay, I’m ready” she said putting on her coat.

He turned to see her and couldn’t help but checking her out, giving her love eyes when he reached her face “you are beautiful”.

(Y/N) blushed and slapped his arm softly “stop it”.

“It’s true” he said getting her closer by her waist “you are just so wonderful in every sense”.

“Are you going all romantic on me, Mr. Scamander?” she asked still with red cheeks.

“Yes, I am. I know you love it deep down” she laughed and he smiled before kissing her cheek and caressing her hair “I mean it, you are such an exceptional woman. I’m lucky”.

(Y/N) shook her head and kissed his lips softly as an answer. Theseus took her hands and felt a ring in one of them, which made him smile brightly because it was a ring he had giving her on her birthday a couple of months before. She had been scared when she saw the box, but he reassured her it wasn’t what she thought. That ring was a symbol of his loyalty and adoration to her, a promise of one day having a future together. And she didn’t take it off except when she was in class.

“Well, Mr. Highest Auror, where are we going tonight?”.

“As you once said, let’s see where our feet carry us. It worked quite well that night”.

“Yeah, it did” she smiled brightly at him.

Theseus looked from her eyes to her lips a couple of times before putting one of his hands on the side of her neck, the other on her hip and took her to him before leaning down to kiss her with as much passion as the first time.

Note: Well, this is it. Thank you so much to those who have read it, comments are more than welcome. Hope you have enjoyed this little story about the oldest Scamader xx

[darthkruge]

Hello! I'm kinda new to the whole tumblr thing so sorry if this request is bad but I was wondering if maybe you could do an imagine for spencer reid where the reader is Garcia's younger sister and Garcia brings her in to meet the team because it's her first day there. Maybe Reid recognizes her from somewhere and he will not leet it go until he finds out how he knows her? Btw it's totally fine if you don't get to this! :)

Spencer Reid x Reader ~ Piano

Summary: When a new agent joins the BAU, Spencer knows he’s seen them before but literally cannot figure out where. His memory having never failed him before, he doesn’t rest until he figures it out.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral! Reader; Penelope Garcia x Sibling! Reader

Words: 1973

Warnings: A little bit of language, I think that’s all?

A/N: Hey anon!! First off, don’t worry, love! I’m honestly new to this whole tumblr thing too, but I loved this request! I’m sorry I didn’t get to it sooner, life’s been a bit hectic. I made it so the reader is Garcia’s younger sibling instead of sister, I hope you don’t mind. I’m going to try to make writing as gender neutral as possible moving forward. Nothing against you, of course, I know I haven’t specified in past requests and I couldn’t have expected you to know, so don’t worry! That being said, sorry for rambling and I hope you like it :)

(gif isn’t mine)

“Hello, everyone! I want you to meet the youngest of the wonderful Garcia children!” Penelope led you into the BAU where you waved a bit stiffly. You weren’t a huge fan of being the center of attention, but you knew your sister loved these introductions.

Looking around, you pieced together the people you knew from Penelope’s stories. You recognized Derek immediately. You assumed from his professional stance that the taller and older dark haired man was Hotch. Logically, that meant Rossi was next to him. And Emily and JJ were the two women, smiling and waving at you encouragingly. You smiled a bit broader, immediately sensing you would be fast friends with them. Finally, your eyes landed on what had to be Spencer. You thought he was quite attractive and, from Penelope’s descriptions, he was also amazing, talented, kind, smart, basically everything you liked. You waved at him but noticed he was almost studying you? You weren’t sure, but felt a bit awkward, confused as to why he seemed friendly to everyone else but wouldn’t even smile at you.

“Umm, hi!” You said, laughing nervously and kind of hoping to disappear. Hotch sensed your discomfort and offered you a kind smile before putting you out of your misery.

“Welcome to the team, L/N. Garcia’s told us wonderful things about you. That being said, we’re just closing up tonight, so you could finish up your paperwork finalizing your transfer into the BAU if you haven’t already and then come in for your first day tomorrow?”

“Okay, thank you, Sir.”

“Goodnight, team”

Everyone echoed the “Goodnight” before filing out of the room. You got into the car with your sister and pulled out of the BAU, reflecting on your past and thinking about the next chapter of your life.

After almost everyone else had left, Spencer was still at his desk, thinking. The certified genius, was, for once, completely at a loss. He couldn’t figure it out. Where had he seen you before? He was currently in the process of mapping out every place he’d gone to over the last few months. Every restaurant, every film festival, every face he saw in passing at crosswalks, through car windows, at coffee stands, and, still, nothing.

“Woah, Pretty Boy, slow down! What’s got you so riled up?” Derek says, walking over to where Spencer was hunched over his notebook, furiously writing.

“I can’t figure it out, I know we’ve met before or I’ve seen them before or something. I just,” Spencer put his head in his hands, eyes starting to burn a bit from the strain of writing and concentrating for so long, “I just know it”

“Seen who before?”

“Y/N, the new agent. They’re so familiar, but for some reason I just can’t figure it out”

“Ohh! Garcia’s their sister, right?”

Spencer nodded and Derek came behind him, seeing the messy timeline and pages of notes scattered around the agent.

“Are you sure you’ve seen them? I mean, we see lots of people on the job. You could have just seen someone who looked like them, you know? And come on, Reid, your memory is, like, insane . If you’d met, you’d have remembered”

“I know, that’s what’s got me so messed up.” Spencer sighed.

“Take a rest, kid. It’s late, get back to it tomorrow. Maybe they’ll visit you in your dreams…” Derek said, wiggling his eyebrows and laughing as he walked away.

Spencer laughed, hoping Derek was right. He’d do anything to get more time with you, even if it was in his subconscious. Honestly, he felt a bit bad. He’d been so caught up in figuring how he knew you that he’d kind of forgotten to actually talk to you. Normally, he’d have caught a new recruit before they left, but he didn’t get the chance with you. After packing up, Spencer went home and continued his search with you on the forefront of his mind.

Meanwhile, you had just gotten back to your sister’s apartment. You had your own place but you were new to the team and felt a bit lonely. Mentally, you didn’t want to be alone at home, too.

“Hey, Pen, what’s up with Reid?” You asked. You were confused, you knew he was quiet but he seemed to be actively ignoring you. Even stranger, you caught him intensely staring at you, as if he was trying to figure something out.

“He’s just shy, Y/N. But he’ll warm up to you, don’t worry! Honestly, I think the both of you would be a pretty good match. If you want, I can do some of my famous matchmaking!”

“Please, noooooo,” You groaned, dragging out the word.

“Come on! I’m great at it!”

“No! Remember last time? I ended up on a blind date with a guy who, within the first three minutes, told me he liked me because he saw similarities between me and his parents!! Then, he proceeded to detail their divorce for the next 45 minutes!”

Penelope was laughing hysterically, “I mean, you did say you liked emotionally available people!”

You grabbed a pillow and threw it at her head, dying in your own fit of laughter.

“Alright, that’s it, I’m going to bed. I can’t be conscious in the same house as you anymore” You say, smiling and jokingly flipping your sister off as you walk away and into the guest room.

Naturally, she returned the gesture.

When Spencer arrived at work the next morning, his eyes were bloodshot, hair was sticking up in a million different directions, and clothes were exceptionally disheveled. Anyone else and you would have thought they had a really bad (or great) one-night stand. Although you weren’t close with him, you just didn’t see him being that type of guy. You laughed a bit as he grimaced, taking a sip of what looked like extremely bitter coffee.

Deciding to try and break the ice, you went over to him. “Long night?”

Spencer’s head shot up. “Uh, yeah, I guess you could say that” He said, laughing a bit.

You smiled. Even though he was awkward, you felt at ease in his company. “I get that, I’ve had a few long nights myself. I love the job, don’t get me wrong, but the way the BAU runs is different from anything else I’ve ever dealt with.”

“Yeah. It can be a bit of an adjustment, but you’ll be fine. You’re doing great. I mean, you arrived early, so I can already assume you’re organized. And your desk is a little messy, leading me to believe you’re a creative person. Your handwriting is quite slanted, too. I recognized it from your entry forms. Did you know that’s a sign of high intelligence? Because your thoughts are moving so quickly, your hand can’t keep up in the “perfect” way, so the letters normally slant and become more sloppy.”

You were mesmerized by him. You could watch him talk for hours, truly. Sure, he wasn’t always graceful, but he was so passionate about everything he talked about. You loved listening to people talk about what they love. The way their eyes light up, it makes the energy surrounding them contagious.

Realizing he had just psychoanalyzed you without permission, Spencer looked at your sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to profile you. It’s sometimes hard to shut off, especially around new people.”

“I get that. It’s okay, I don’t mind.” You said, nodding knowingly.

As you said that, Spencer figured it out. He remembered one time visiting his mother in Vegas and hearing you say those exact words. You were playing the piano, talking to a patient who had just accidentally spilled some water on your sheet music as they took their medicine. “It’s okay, I don’t mind. I was in need of new music, anyway” You had responded, laughing. He was surprised he didn’t immediately recognize you, the beautiful and talented person he’d seen that day. But, it did make sense, in a way. Spencer’s memory is always at its highest and weakest when he’s with his mother. He can remember each of their conversations, verbatim, but everything else fades.

“Spencer? You alright?” He had been kind of spacing out for a few moments and you were afraid you did something wrong.

His attention came back to you and he smiled again, brighter this time. “You play piano.” He stated.

Your breath caught and you let out a small laugh, extremely confused. “Uhh, yeah, I do. I’m sure you’re great, but that seems extreme even for you, Mr. Profiler”

Spencer laughed. “No! I didn’t profile you, I just, I remember you. Las Vegas, March 12th, Psychiatric Hospital, you were playing piano. A patient spilled water on you. I remember you.”

“Oh, right! Ms. Owens! She’s lovely. You were there that day? Well, either that or you just gave yourself up as a damn good stalker”

“No, no, not that,” He said, a shy smile playing on his lips, “My mother’s a patient there, Diana Reid? I’m not sure if you know her.”

“Yeah! She’s quite a character. I always enjoyed playing on days Diana was there.” You reminisced for a second, lost in the memory.

“Were you visiting someone there, too?” He said, pulling you from your thoughts.

“Not exactly. My grandfather was a patient before he passed. He taught me how to play and I kind of just asked the staff if I could volunteer and continue to after he left. They were kind enough to let me. I mean, he always encouraged me to perform and I thought it was a nice way to honor his memory. A few months later I heard from Penelope that there was an opening at the BAU. I moved out, and, well, here I am.” You gestured to yourself, slightly embarrassed after you realized you might have overshared.

Spencer caught onto this, however, and quickly reassured you. “That’s amazing, Y/N. You were amazing when I heard you. I wish I could have heard you play again.”

“Thank you, that’s really sweet, Spencer.” You said, resting your hand atop his, a blush forming in his cheeks at the touch.

“Um, if you don’t have plans. I mean, not to assume you don’t have plans, just if you, you know, happen to not be busy, would you want to maybe get dinner sometime? You don’t have to, of course! I wouldn’t be offended! I just kind of want to get to know you more. If that’s alright with you.” He trailed off, not making eye contact and playing with the buttons on his shirt a bit as he awaited your answer.

Deciding to be bold, you gently turned his face to meet yours and smiled. “I would love to. Tomorrow, pick me up at 8:00?”

“Yeah! Here’s my number, text me your address?”

You smiled and nodded, taking his phone. He took the moment to just look at you. You were truly one of the most breathtaking people he’d ever met. He couldn’t believe he’d just gotten you to agree to go out with him. Even so, he wouldn’t question it. If something in the universe gave this to him, he wouldn’t risk it for a second.

You placed a gentle kiss on his cheek as you slipped the phone back into his hand. As you pulled away, Spencer cupped your cheek and pulled you back in for a kiss. His lips tasted sweet and soft and a sense of serenity washed over you as you stood in the middle of the BAU, kissing him. Everything faded away and quickly came into focus again as he pulled away, far too soon for your liking.

“More of that tomorrow” He whispered, his forehead resting against yours.

You smiled, “That’s fine by me.”

~requests are open~

[styleswithaseaview]

chocolate and raspberries - part 3

(you know the drill) Cedric Diggory x ravenclaw!reader - Part 1  |  Part 2 

warnings :  the beginning of a smut scene with lots of kissing and mentions of what happened after i cut off, hickeys, swearing, etc etc.

a/n: this turned out so good i’m proud of it!! hope you like it!! once again, originally requested by bestie @hoe4cedricdiggory !! more to come lovelies!!

taglist : @cedricsbrowncurls @hoe4cedricdiggory

———

After their marvelous break at the Diggory’s, Y/N and Cedric came back to a nearly empty Hogwarts. They had came back a few days early, wanting to get schoolwork and some alone time in before the bustling halls were filled once again. 

As they walked leisurely through the empty halls, able to do couple things without being spied on, Y/N was in a state of pure bliss. Cedric’s arm was tight and warm around her waist, rubbing circles into her hip soothingly. Every so often he would suddenly dip her down and kiss her, the dramatic gesture adding to the pure passion as their mouths moved together. 

Cedric would reluctantly pull away and Y/N would stare at him adoringly; usually he caught the light in her eyes, which led to another make-out session in the empty halls. He’d pin her against the wall, letting out his dominant side which Y/N couldn’t get enough of. 

Once their alone time, spent wandering the halls or having dates wherever they could was over, Y/N expected that the ‘honeymoon’ period of their relationship, where they couldn’t get enough of each other, would stop. But once the halls emptied and they went back to classes, it didn’t. She still had that ache in her soul when Cedric was gone even for a moment. She still had the constant desire to be close to him no matter what she felt. Every so often, they’d have a disagreement; although it was uncommon, the conflict usually resided quickly due to their unconditional love for each other. Nothing was ever difficult around him. He was her ultimate place of comfort. 

As the weeks flew by, spring was apparent as the castle’s grounds went from blankets of snow to budding flowers. Y/N and Cedric spent time in the courtyard between classes, sitting on benches with her head in his lap as he played with her hair. 

One particularly sunny day came about, beams of light illuminating the grass as students milled around the courtyard. Y/N had her head on Cedric’s shoulder as he spoke softly about his classes and their plans for the night. A dark-haired Slytherin strolled up to their spot on the bench, stopping in front of the pair. Y/N sat up, looking at the boy questioningly. 

“Y/N,” He said, Scottish accent thick as he spoke. “Diggory, mind giving us a moment?” He glared at the Hufflepuff, who looked at Y/N with wide eyes.

“No, he’s fine right here, thanks.” She said, faking a smile as she cocked an eyebrow at the Slytherin, who rolled his eyes.

“Well,” He glared at Cedric, “I was wondering if you had a date to the graduation ball. It’s a shame that you’ve got Diggory attached at the hip. A girl like you should be paired with a real man, not a flimsy little Hufflepuff.” He said, looking smug with himself as he stared at Y/N. She laughed loudly, shaking her head. Cedric was silent as he clenched his jaw, starting to get up before Y/N put a hand on his knee as she started to speak.

“First off, real man? So you’re trying to get me to go out with you, am I not mistaken?” She said, eyebrows raised. He nodded. “Merlin, then stop with that ‘real man’ bullshit. At least cater to yourself; a ‘real man’ would respect my relationship rather than asking me out knowing I’m with the love of my life.” She said, tone sharp as she stared directly into the boy’s green eyes. He opened his mouth to speak, but she wasn’t done. “Second,” She pulled her wand out and got up, tilting the boy’s head up with it with a stern expression on her features. “If you ever speak to my boyfriend like that again, I will hex you until that tiny little dick of yours falls off. Hear me?” She said, quiet enough so that only him and Cedric could hear her. “He is stronger, kinder, smarter, and more capable of love than you’ll ever be.” She uttered, and with that, she pulled her wand away.

The boy was left stunned, mouth open in shock as he turned paler than a ghost. He scurried away, going back to his posse of asshole friends with wide eyes and a slack jaw.

Y/N sighed and plopped down next to Cedric, picking up her book with a nonchalant expression on her face. Cedric looked at her in pure awe before grabbing her hand and walking away from the courtyard. 

“Ced where are we going-” She started as he ran up the stairs, stopping at the seventh floor and turning into the left corridor. He paced back and forth three times before turning to look at the wall before him. Y/N stood next to him, confusion on her face as she watched him. 

Suddenly, a door appeared where the wall once was. Y/N’s jaw dropped as Cedric opened the tall doors, revealing a room Y/N had never seen before. 

“What in Merlin’s name is this, Ced? I’ve never-” she started. Cedric grabbed her hand and pulled her into the room, shutting the door quickly behind her.

Inside was a small room lit with candles. There was a daybed in the center, and Y/N was left in awe as she stared at Cedric, who’s pupils were dilated as he stared into her eyes with pure lust. He enraptured her in a deep kiss, pressing her against the wall as his hands explored her figure. He trailed kisses down her neck, leaving a dark hickey below her jaw as she let out a soft moan. He pulled away and looked her directly in the eyes, a dark smirk on his face. 

“You’re so fucking sexy,” he whispered into her ear, kissing her jawline. She ran her hands down his back, whispering into his ear as he began to unbutton her blouse. As they succumbed to their every desire, neither had a thought pass their head aside from the pure lust coursing through their veins. 

---

A few more weeks passed as their graduation from Hogwarts grew near, as well as the ball that accompanied it. Y/N, who was close with many of the house-elves in the castle due to her kind nature and muggle baking knowledge, was giddy as she spoke to a house-elf named Weely who, although she was free, chose to work for Hogwarts; because of this, she made clothes, often sewing dresses or other garments for students and staff. 

“What do you like, Miss? I make dress out of these fabrics,” The short house-elf said, showing Y/N rolls of fabric as she toddled around the room. 

“Oh, I adore them all! I think this one’s quite nice,” Y/N said as she picked up a roll of fabric, feeling the material in her hands.

“Yes, yes, that color does well for you! Does Miss have a date? Would you like a bowtie to match?” Weely said, taking the fabric from Y/N’s hands.

“Yes, I do have a date,” Y/N said.

“Miss is blushing!” Weely said, voice high and creaky.

“Oh, hush. And yes, that would be lovely. Thank you, I really can’t thank you enough, Weely!”

“Miss does not have to thank Weely, Weely loves you! Now go!” Weely said excitedly, shooing Y/N away as she begun to trim the material.

--- 

Meanwhile, Cedric received an owl from his father, who gushed about Y/N. He assumed Y/N would accompany Cedric to the ball, so he sent a suit tailored to his son to wear, saying it would surely impress her. Cedric laughed as he read the letter, grabbing the package that came along with it and opening it. 

Inside was a perfectly fitting suit, simple black and white lines sure to look handsome on his figure. His father had left out a bowtie; he wondered if it had gotten lost. He placed the suit in his wardrobe, hiding it in the back so that Y/N wouldn’t see in on one of the many nights she snuck over to his dorm. 

---

The night of graduation was suddenly upon the pair, and anticipation ran through their veins. Y/N was in her dorm with other Ravenclaw girls, who helped her get ready. Weely left her the dress, which she was yet to change into. She took off Cedric’s jumper that she seemed to live in, sitting down in front of her vanity as her friend, Marietta, sat down to help with her makeup. Y/N looked in the mirror, spotting the purple-ish red love bite on her collarbone. She blushed, putting a hand over it as she turned to face her friend. 

“What are you doing with your hand?” Marietta said.

“Wh- nothing,” Y/N stammered.

“No, let me see what’s under there!” She said, pulling Y/N’s hand away and gasping. Y/N bit her lip, blushing furiously. 

“Y/N!!” Marietta shouted, jaw dropping.

“Shush! I’ll cover it up, it’s fine,” She said, grabbing her makeup bag from her drawer.

“Did Diggory-” Marietta said, voice low and eyes wide. 

“Yes, who else? Now help me or I’ll do it myself,” Y/N said.

“You’re lucky, you know that? I haven’t been kissed in months,” She said, sighing as she started to cover up her hickey. Y/N giggled, nodding.

"I am, aren't I? You'll find your person, don't worry," Y/N assured, earning a smile from her friend as they continued to get ready.

Y/N let her hair down, wearing her favorite makeup look that made her features shine. She put on her dress, which was a midnight blue silk.

It hugged her figure, with tiny sparkles that looked almost like a night sky against the near-black silk. The cowl neckline accented her collarbones and looked absolutely stunning.

She stepped out into the halls, scurrying to the Hufflepuff forms and leaving a matching bowtie of the same fabric in front of Cedric's door. She then lined up outside the ballroom where it was to be held, standing with her friends and chatting about their excitement.

Cedric opened his door to see the bowtie, chuckling as he realized who put it there. He fastened it on and ran his hands through his hair, straightening his suit in the mirror and taking a deep breath. He stepped out of his dorm and took the side entrance to where his friends were lined up below the grand staircase that led to the ballroom floor.

Y/N could see Cedric, but she was just out of his view. She smiled to herself. Soft piano music started to play, and Marietta pushed her to make her walk down first.

She stepped one foot in front of her, starting to walk down the staircase with her dress flowing lightly behind her.

Cedric gasped as he saw her, stepping forward as she came down the steps. She smiled as she saw him, flicking her eyes to the bowtie and back up to his face. She bit her lip as she neared the end of the steps.

"Holy shit," Cedric mumbled under his breath so that only she could hear as she came closer. He stared at her lips, practically drooling. He shook himself out of his trance, reaching into his suit pocket. "I have a present for you," he said into her ear. She bit her lip.

"I have nothing to give you back, you didn't have to-" She started as he pulled out a flat velvet box. He opened it, revealing a delicate gold necklace. Dangling from the chain was a small, translucent charm in the shape of a raspberry. It was a soft red color and gentle enough that it wasn't the least bit tacky. Y/N gasped, putting a hand to her chest in awe.

"Ced, oh my- You didn't have to!!" She said as he took it out of the box.

"Do you like it?" Cedric said, unclasping it.

"Are you kidding? I love it, Ced, I love it!"

"Can i put it on you?" He asked, a soft smile on his face. Y/N nodded, grinning, and he turned her around to clasp the necklace behind her neck. She turned around again, looking down at the necklace.

"I love it." She said, kissing his cheek.

"I love you," he said in response, kissing her on the lips. She smiled.

"I love you more. Now let's go, I think McGonagall is staring me down," she giggled. Cedric put an arm around her waist and led her to stand in front of the stage. A few minutes passed as students trickled in, and the heads of houses gave speeches and announced the graduates.

"Now, can I have Head Boy and Girl come up to stage, please." Dumbledore said. Y/N and Cedric held hands as they walked up to the stage, grins on their faces. Dumbledore had them stand in front of the podium, and Cedric spoke first.

"I didn't prepare a speech, but I don't think I had to. In my heart, I know that Hogwarts is always going to hold a piece of my heart. The memories and people I've gotten close to here," his eyes flicked to Y/N, "will forever be dear to me. I feel so at home with everyone here, and I love all of you, truly." He finished, stepping aside to let Y/N speak.

"Thanks, Ced. I couldn't have put it better myself. Every day at Hogwarts I was thankful to be here, and every bad day was always made better by the lovely people around me. I really believe that we are a family, and I hope that everyone here knows how much they mean to me." She looked Cedric in the eye. "To our future." She said.

Cheers erupted from the audience, and Y/N turned to the Headmaster who thanked them before motioning to the pianoman, who played a waltz tune. Y/N and Cedric left the stage, hand in hand as they started to dance. Cedric whispered softly into her ear as they danced, and she couldn't help but kiss him, even if she knew the teachers were watching.

As the night flew past, the graduating class had the time of their lives. Y/N couldn't be happier. She was in love, and she knew that leaving Hogwarts wasn't the end of her and Cedric's love story. It was only the beginning.

[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

You Can Run... (S2, E11)

My time-stamped thoughts for this episode are below. As always I reference Malcolm’s mental health. A lot. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:03 - Baby!Malcolm and baby!Ainsley playing together is so cute. <3 

0:05 - Malcolm is playing with Batman (the hero) and Ainsley is playing with the Joker (the villain). But Ainsley wants to play with Batman. Coincidence? Foreshadowing? I’m torn. 

0:20 - ....I can’t tell if this is regular “kid fake crying to get sibling in trouble”, “bad fake crying because kid actors are still just kids who are learning”,  or “Ainsley is a psychopath and she’s never been able to cry properly fake crying”.

0:50 - “I’d much rather stay at home with my favourite guy.” UgH. Excuse me while I cry myself to sleep. No wonder Malcolm has so many Daddy issues. This broke my heart. Malcolm clearly idolized Martin. Martin was his hero. :( 

1:35 - “Where are you? Talk to me.” This hurts because it makes sense. Malcolm’s one constant in life was his father’s voice. For better or for worse. It reminds me of anxiety disorders/depression. Part of you doesn’t want to heal. You don’t know what to do without the pain and fear. You don’t know who you’d be. The unknown is scarier than the pain and misery. That’s Malcolm right now. He knows Martin is bad for his mental health but he’s afraid to lose Martin because without Martin’s voice Malcolm has no idea who he is. 

1:55 - I can’t decide if I love or hate Ruiz. She’s really combative? Like Malcolm didn’t say “You’re here to take over” aggressively. At all. I respect the hell out of her for being a total badass and good at her job....but she’s also kind of verbally aggressive? And pretending she doesn’t know Martin is Malcolm’s father? Like - I know she was probably trying to break the ice but it was really unprofessional and kind of a dick move? IDK something about Ruiz just kind of rubs me the wrong way (no this isn’t sexism. I’m a woman working in a male-dominated field. I respect the hell out of career-driven women. This is purely just something about her personality that bothers me.)

2:41 - Oh yeah. Gil did not like the joke about Ruiz not knowing The Surgeon = Malcolm’s father. Look at Gil. He’s annoyed but he’s also worried af about what that little comment did to his already mentally fragile profiler. 

3:22 - Just how many times has Malcolm played that voicemail since the end of 2x10? It looks like Gil’s already heard it. Dani’s probably heard it. How many times did Malcolm listen to it - desperately searching for clues? This is not good for Malcolm’s mental health. He needs a hug - not to listen to his manipulative serial killer father on repeat (although, that’s kind of the show isn’t it?). Also, where’s the “we’re the same” part of the message? Did Malcolm delete the end of the message? Maybe so he doesn’t become a suspect? 

3:32 - Look at how utterly furious and concerned Gil is. Guys. Guys. Papa!Gil is BACK. <3 <3 <3 <3 Oh how I’ve missed him. Seriously though, Gil looks absolutely livid (at Martin) because he can see how upset Malcolm is and he knows it’s all Martin’s fault. Plus the concerned looks he keeps shooting at Malcolm? <3 My heart <3 

3:39 - “Of course not.” LIAR. I truly believe this episode is an excellent example of a character “knowing something as fact in their heads but feels the opposite way in their hearts”. Malcolm is still a little boy desperate for his father’s love. Problem is, Malcolm is also a highly educated adult man who knows that his father is incapable of truly caring about him. 

3:55 - Gil watching Malcolm’s hand shake. <3 I have no words. Gil looks so concerned. We’re getting so close to a full Malcolm breakdown and I’m here for it. If we get a full on intervention and/or hospital scene I will be the happiest person alive. 

4:15 - A couple of things 1) look at how Capshaw is glancing around the room when Gil, Malcolm, and Jessica are talking about how Daryl tried to kill Jessica. Capshaw is showing equal amounts of disdain, envy, and guilt. 2) Gil making a joke just to make Jessica and Malcolm smile is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Gil is single handedly, emotionally, holding these two together and it’s the content I’ve been desperate for. 

4:42 - <3 <3 My heart is melting. <3 Gil’s little smile when he looks at the picture of baby!Malcolm and baby!Ainsley. Look me in the eyes and tell me Gil isn’t their dad. I’ll fight you. 

4:50 - “All the kooks will come out. I know the drill.” Poor Jessica. She’s really been through a lot of crap. :( 

4:55 - Did Gil shoot Capshaw that suspicious look because he was about to show blatant physical affection to Jessica or because he suspects Capshaw knows something about Martin? Maybe both?

5:00 - Sooooo Gil and Jessica just flirt openly in front of Malcolm now? ....Look at Malcolm’s reaction to their little moment. That boy has heart eyes. <3 Forget Brightwell - Gillica is the ship I will die on. 

5:50 - I promise you. Jessica’s eye roll+huff when Malcolm says he’s going to stay with Capshaw for a minutes is defensive. She’s knows that Malcolm is trying to get information that will help recapture Martin. But right now? She just wants a hug from her son. She wants to keep him in her sight; where she knows he’s safe. 

6:12 - soooooo Capshaw is definitely a psychopath and she’s 100% acting in this scene. Look at her. She’s angry but she’s trying to act calm. She’s trying to justify everything she did but it never quite connects. She’s just a little bit....something. Vacant? Insincere? Malcolm seems to believe her though...because she told him exactly what she knew he would sympathize and empathize with...the next two episodes are going to be incredible. 

7:00 - Damn. Malcolm looks so destroyed in this scene. He looks scared, sad, angry. This boy is riding an emotional elevator that only goes down. I’m just waiting for it to hit the ground. 

7:14 - This is fake. Capshaw’s “crying” here? How completely put together she seems? Fake. She’s trying to act distraught and guilt-ridden but she just seems too put together and angry to make it believable. 

7:25 - How much do you want to bet that Capshaw is either 1) after Martin because one of her family members was killed by the Surgeon, 2) some sort of already established serial killer/psychopath who thinks killing the Surgeon will make her a serial killer legend?

7:30 - Malcolm being kind is everything. <3 Ugh. This little cinnamon roll is such a sweetheart. <3 

8:12 - I’m on Malcolm’s side. Ainsley can’t think about work? Bullshit. Ainsley is somehow in on this whole thing. Istg.

8:21 - “Dad is out there and I don’t know. I’m just not okay.” ....this whole exchange between Ainsley and Malcolm felt forced? Like Ainsley is really off here. It seems out of character that Ainsley would admit that she’s not okay so calmly. She’s too passionate (generally speaking) to just be this calm right now. 

8:24 - Ainsley is way too calm for the daughter of an escaped serial killer. Malcolm looks utterly terrified. Ainsley just looks....indifferent. Sure, maybe she’s processing things different or she’s in some state of shock but I find it unlikely. 

8:41 - Awwww. Looks like Gil let a Whitly near his car. <3

8:51 - Awwwww...Malcolm literally jumping into the ambulance is adorable. <3

9:00 - “So it’s official. The Surgeon’s killing again.” THE LOOK. The look that JT, Dani, and Gil exchange everything to me. It’s concern. For Malcolm. For what they know this is doing to him. It’s fear. For what may happen next. 

9:19 - “Dude.” Some people think JT is being a dick to Malcolm here. I disagree. Sure, it’s not what Malcolm wanted (or needed) to hear. BUT the way I interpreted that ‘dude’: JT is concerned about Malcolm. JT knows that Malcolm is having a hard time right now and JT is worried that Malcolm is reverting back to ‘scared little boy who doesn’t want to believe his dad is a killer’ instead of his usual ‘profiler-mode’. I don’t think JT is upset with Malcolm. I think this is JT acting like Malcolm’s big brother. 

9:26 - “I’m not saying I believe it. But I’m sure he believes it.” Gil isn’t buying that. Look at his face. Gil knows Malcolm is struggling to separate his complex feelings about Martin ‘Dad’ Whitly and Matrin ‘the Surgeon’ Whitly.

9:33 - Again. The phrasing here may have been a little blunt but I think this is JT trying to remind Malcolm that his dad is a monster who doesn’t love him. It’s not a pleasant thing but it is a reminder that Malcolm needed to continue working the case effectively. 

9:38 - JT and Dani exchanging looks of concern when Malcolm raises his voice (and again when Gil sends them to canvas the area for missing cars) <3 WHERE IS MY INTERVENTION?!!? <3

10:01 - “You think I’ve lost it.” :( This breaks my heart. It’s not enough that Malcolm has been on a downward mental health spiral this whole season. Now, Martin escapes and Malcolm is so fragile that he can’t tell the difference between concern and disapproval. He genuinely can’t see that Gil, Dani, and JT are concerned about him. He’s interpreting their concern as distrust and disapproval. :( 

10:30 - .....where’s Gil’s car? Did he leave it with Dani and JT? 

10:45 - “He lived here with my mother before I was born.” Excuse me? What? My brain is short circuiting. I want more details. I find this information utterly fascinating. Were Jessica’s parents alive? Is it a Milton family home or did Jessica and/or Martin buy it themselves?

10:51 - “If my father was a serial killer I may have fortified my house a little better.” .....no. This felt wrong. I don’t like that Gil said this. Why would Malcolm fortify the house more? Martin was literally chained to a wall. PLUS Gil’s been to Malcolm’s place before. If Gil (the cop) was concerned about safety he would’ve said something to Malcolm about it before now. 

11:44 - I want to punch that US Marshall in the face. Don’t you dare suggest that Malcolm should’ve seen this coming or that he has anything to do with Martin’s escape. I also love this interaction. It really shows the story of Malcolm’s life: his colleagues don’t trust him because of who his father is. Malcolm’s skill is never enough for the cops/FBI/law enforcement to trust him because Martin is a serial killer. Shouldn’t it count for something that Malcolm is the one who turned Martin over to the cops AS A 10 YEAR OLD? ALSO - WTF did Malcolm have ammo for his antique weapons??!?!?

11:54 - Look at Dani and JT. They look ashamed and concerned. Almost as if they just realized that they’re the only ones in the precinct (other than Gil) who have ever given Malcolm a chance. 

12:02 - The hand tremor <3 Damn. Someone hug him. He is so close to a full mental breakdown. I can’t wait. 

12:17 - “I’m not fine.” I. Am. So. Proud. Our broken boy just told the truth about his mental state. Look at Dani. She’s shocked and she’s more concerned than ever. Malcolm admitting he’s not fine means he’s really really not fine. This is bad. Malcolm is going to lose it soon. 

12:35 - “You were in control” I understand why that would be comforting for Malcolm. HOWEVER, when it’s said like that Malcolm probably draws the parallel between himself and Martin (the manipulative control freak). :(

12:55 - Malcolm expressing his self doubt is shattering. He’s being so vulnerable with Dani right now and I don’t even care about the Brightwell ship at the moment - I’m just proud of him for opening up to someone. 

13:03 - “Usually his voice is in my head all the time” Yes. Because even though Martin was chained to a wall, he was still in control. The constant phone calls. The verbal chess games. The traumatic memories. Malcolm has never been able to escape Martin. Ever. Now 2/3 of his regular Martin exposures have disappeared and Malcolm doesn’t know how do go about daily life without the constant harassment. 

13:40 - There’s no way Jessica was actually in enough pain to ask for a painkillers. Jess overheard Malcolm and Capshaw talking and she came to ask Capshaw about it. 

14:14 - “I feel like I’m in Hell’s waiting room.” “Been there for 23 years.” Ouch. Capshaw is lying through her teeth but Jessica? Jessica is being sincere. My heart breaks for her. Also - the fact that every time we’ve seen Jessica bond with another woman (Eve, Capshaw, Birdie) that woman is a manipulative woman trying to use Jessica’s connection to Martin for her own personal gain is very upsetting. I petition for Jessica to bond with Tally and/or Dani. 

14:40 - Look at Capshaw’s face when Jessica mentions Martin’s open casket. She’s hopeful. Like she just found a potential partner in crime. Or at least she just found another reason to justify what she’s about to do to Martin. 

15:15 - I can’t anymore. It’s been driving me CRAZY that Dani’s curls are extremely different sizes in almost every other scene this episode. Sometimes the curls are reasonably tight and a little frizzy, Then in scenes like this one her curls are big, loose, and clean. Her hair is gorgeous both ways but the inconsistency is really bothering me. 

15:52 - Americans - help me out. Is this a thing? Do your bowling alleys serve alcohol? Specifically wine? My Canadian ass is curious (our bowling alleys serve pop and bottled water. And maybe fruit juice). 

15:52 - Look at how cautious Malcolm is as he approaches the boy. He’s afraid. Afraid that he’ll see evidence that the Surgeon is killing again. 

16:45 - Who did Pete steal those clothes from? It wasn’t the EMTs.....did he raid Malcolm’s closet?!?!?!

17:15 - Pete was 10 when he found a quasi-sanctuary from his abusive father. So was Malcolm (in the sense that Martin was arrested and physically removed from the home). 

17:40 - I love this about Malcolm. Pete helped Martin escape. Pete is a killer. But Malcolm is standing there talking to Pete like they’re friends. Malcolm genuinely empathizes with Pete’s childhood. It’s messed up but it’s also beautiful. Malcolm truly has a good heart. 

18:00 - And now Malcolm is scared. He’s just remembered that Pete is a serial killer and he’s in danger.

18:15 - Look, Pete’s a bad guy. But his childhood? Damn. That sucks. :( 

18:33 - “Tell me where Martin’s headed.” Not “The Surgeon”, not “Dr. Whitly”, not “my father”. “Martin”. Because Malcolm doesn’t know “Martin”. He’s met his father/dad - the man who loved him and cared for him during the first 10 years of his life. He’s met “The Surgeon” - the man who chloroformed him, manipulated him, and emotionally abused him his entire life. He’s met “Dr. Whitly” - the man who tried to teach him about the human body as a child and the man who gives him valuable medical insight on cases. But Malcolm’s never met this side of Martin Whitly and he doesn’t know what to expect. So he’s calling him “Martin”.

18:56 - Malcolm, you moron. Pete can see that you’re already suffering.

19:07 - I’ll be honest. I was kind of shocked that they killed off Pet like this. I knew Christian Brole was a guest star so obvious something would happen to write his character off the show but....this was intense. 

19:16 - “Bright I saw it too.” Thank you, Dani. Calm this boy down. He’s about 10 seconds away from being arrested for being a moron at a crime scene. 

19:30 - “It is my job to find my father.” This runs deep. Malcolm isn’t just talking about how it’s his job to profile where Martin might be. This is Malcolm admitting that he’s been subconsciously looking for his father for 23 years. He’s just a little boy who keeps visiting a serial killer in prison because he hopes that one day he’ll find the father that loved him (or at least acted like it). :( Someone hug this boy. <3

19:44 - I found how Malcolm pushes Dani off of him interesting. He’s clearly furious. He clearly is not in the mood to be touched but as soon as Dani starts manhandling him he sort of calms down? He’s not calm but he gains better control of himself. He listens to Dani when she guides him away from Ruiz, (he’s not perfect by any means) but he walks away and you can see his body language relax slightly. 

20:11 - I kind of feel bad for JT. Gil and Jessica have blatantly flirted in front of him twice now (2x5 and now). That’s got to be awkward for him. hahaha

20:14 - “Where is Ainsley?” Good question Gil. Malcolm (who is on the verge of a panic attack) is working himself ragged to find Martin. Jessica is terrified and going through old photos to see if she can find anything that might give a clue to Martin’s whereabouts. But Ainsley? Not only is she calm - she’s not reporting on the prison break. She’s not actively trying to find Martin and she’s not terrified. Why? I honestly think (hope) she’s working with Capshaw. 

20:20 - That look Gil shoots JT. Yep. Gil definitely suspects that Ainsley’s involved. I’m pretty sure Gil has pieced together what happened to Endicott and now he suspects Ainsley. 

20:30 - hahahaha the way that JT stares at Gil as Gil leaves the room. hahahaha. He’s like: “This is awkward. I don’t want to babysit your rich girlfriend (and the Mom of the most annoyingly endearing profilers in existence). I am uncomfortable and I hate that you’re leaving me here alone.”

21:05 - I LOVE THIS SCENE. EVERYTHING ABOUT IT.  I love how Dani is slouching in Gil’s chair like she owns it. I love that Malcolm is sitting on the couch like a scolded child. I love that they’re talking about Gil’s birthday. 

21:32 - “I’m already drafting an apology letter.” “That’s not enough.” SAY IT LOUDER DANI. This. FINALLY we get someone calling Malcolm on his passive suicidality. Yes, Malcolm is driven and obsessed with the case (any case). But he also risks his life needlessly to solve them. As though he thinks he’s not worthy of saving. As though he believes he deserves to suffer for what he did to The Surgeon and for what The Surgeon did to his victims. Malcolm is passionate and dedicated to his job. But he doesn’t care about his life enough to protect it. That’s passive suicidality in my books.

21:43 - “For a killer who has done nothing but make your life a living hell.....he’s not worth it.” THIS. Malcolm doesn’t hear this enough. People always suspect him of being like Martin. People rarely take the time to realize that Malcolm was just a little boy who was traumatized by the things he found out about Martin. Strangers judge and treat Malcolm like a criminal just because his father is a publicly bad person. It’s been happening for so long that Malcolm believes he’s a bad person who isn’t worthy of happiness. 

21:52 - Poor Malcolm. His little face. :( He looks so sad, angry, and scared all at the same time. This is another case of “the logical part of my brain knows I’m acting irrationally but I can’t stop it because the emotions are too big and strong and everything hurts.”

22:05 - “I’m sorry.” MALCOLM WHY THE HELL ARE YOU APOLOGIZING TO DANI?!? Because you yelled at Ruiz and now Dani’s worried about you? Dude. You’re having a mental health crisis and a really really bad day. You don’t need to apologize right now. Dani doesn’t want your apology. She wants you to take care of yourself. 

22:25 - “Jury’s still out.” Ouch. 

22:32 - Oh look. Another old person with a landline. hahahahha

23:11 - JT being a sweetheart to Jessica. <3 I love this man. This is so cute. I feel like this is the first time JT’s truly seen Jessica as a full human with a personality as opposed to Malcolm’s rich mother and Gil’s love interest.

23:18 - “I get a call like that once a week.” OH HELL NO. 

23:30 - I love the fact that Jessica and JT are bonding over the fact that they’re both being harassed and judged for something outside of their control. 

23:41 - SOMEONE IS CALLING TALLY?!?! NO. NO. NO. NO. I’M FURIOUS. 

24:04 - “I don’t know. Why did you pretend no one was on the phone earlier?” I love this line. Jess didn’t tell for the same reason JT didn’t. They’re independent, strong people. They don’t want bother other people with their problems. They’re embarrassed that this is happening to them and on some level they probably think (wrongfully) that they deserve it. 

24:46 - Oh look. All of Malcolm’s worst nightmares are coming true on the same day. The look of pure terror on his face. <3 

25:20 - I want more Gil + Ainsley scenes. I find them fascinating. Ainsley looks like she resents Gil (probably because he spent so much time with Malcolm instead of her in the 90s+00s). Gil looks remorseful, sad, concerned, and fatherly. Like, even though he didn’t spend a lot of time with Ainsley - he still loves her. Because he loves Jessica and Malcolm so he loves Ainsley by extension. 

25:30 - “People always suspect him” THIS. Ainsley is trying to manipulate Gil into believing she’s innocent by drawing parallels between her actions and Malcolm’s. What Ainsley doesn’t seem to realize (and why Gil is so cold when he says “People always suspect him”) is that Gil watched Malcolm grow up. He watched the cops question him in 98′ because they thought he was a suspect. He watched Malcolm grow up as people bullied him and locked him in closets because he’s the son of a murderer. Malcolm was fired from the FBI for being the Surgeon’s son (and punching a sheriff). Ainsley though? She forwarded her career by televising Malcolm’s mental health issues and proudly announcing that she’s the daughter of a killer. She still has a job. People still treat her with respect. Malcolm wasn’t granted that luxury. Gil knows it. He watched as Ainsley used Martin as a tool for success while Malcolm struggled under the weight of Martin’s crimes and abuse. 

25:34 - “Ouch”. Malcolm’s not offended. Look at the little smile he sends toward Dani. <3

25:36 - Ainsley is furious. That’s the look she had in her eyes when she confronted Malcolm about the pig’s blood incident. She has no remorse. She’s pissed that her brother is overshadowing her.

25:49 - “We didn’t plan a prison break.” Who’s the ‘we’. Her and Malcolm? Or Ainsley and Martin? Or all three? Or Capshaw and Ainsley? ....this 3/4 of those options are definitely true. But one of them might be a lie. I think Ainsley was purposely vague to make it harder to Malcolm, Gil, and Dani to tell if she’s lying. 

26:17 - Ainsley isn’t scared, stressed, or anxious when she picks up the phone. She seems annoyed but hopeful. I find that interesting. 

26:46 - That smile. Ainsley loved talking to her dad. As a girl who grew up without a father - I feel for her. BUT GIRL - he’s a killer and this is not healthy. 

27:08 - Malcolm suspects Ainsley. And he’s scared. Bring me my popcorn. I’m here for the show. 

27:18 - This must be killing Ainsley. The fact that she knows Malcolm, Gil, and Jessica are a quasi-family unit. It’s probably making her feel more left out than usual. 

27:30 - “Maybe I should’ve done more for her when she was growing up.” :( My heart is shattering. This isn’t Gil’s fault but damn, does this hurt. 

27:40 - “No matter what we did, all roads led to Martin.” More confirmation that Jessica and Gil co-parented Malcolm. <3 This is amazing. I’m so happy. 

27:53 - Really Jess? You’re turned on by the fact that Gil has a secret plan while your daughter is being questioned about helping a murderer escape prison?!?! It’s adorable (especially how Gil starts flirting back with her) but also - not the time. 

28:14 - This is why I think Ainsley is somehow involved with Capshaw and/or is a budding serial killer. She’s so cheery. She’s being questioned by the police because they suspect her of committing a crime. Even an innocent person would be a little anxious or defensive. She’s just....numb but also cheery at the same time? Something’s not right here. 

28:19 - “This room is under surveillance at all times.” ....but is it under audio surveillance? Is this interrogation going to become a bigger part of the plot later in the season? Because Ainsley verbally questions if she’s like Martin.

29:17 - As much as I hate Martin, I agree with his analysis of Ainsley. She’s high on charm, low on compassion and empathy. She doesn’t have normal reactions to traumatic events. She never appears scared or sad. We’ve only ever really seen Ainsley happy, determined, or angry. 

29:20 - ....I fully believe Ainsley is fake crying to manipulate Malcolm during the interrogation.

31:25 - “Do you think I’m the reason he broke out?” Ugh. Ainsley is so starved for parental attention and it’s heartbreaking.....maybe that’s how this killer was made.

32:00 - Gil doesn’t think Ainsley’s a credible source of information. Let’s all just sit on that information for a bit. 

32:19 - “It’s not him I’m worried about.” <3 <3 <3 <3 Papa!Gil <3 I’ve missed you. <3 <3

32:34 - YO Gil, Malcolm. Have you two knuckleheads really never watched Criminal Minds?!?! This dude is showing textbook “I’m a hostage” behaviour. 

33:19 - Gil calling Malcolm his ‘partner’ is so precious. <3

34:50 - Sooooo 400K is a LOT of money. Did Martin use Milton family money for his murder agenda?!? Did Jessica never notice that much cash missing from their accounts?!? Where did all this money come from?! 

35:32 - Ahhhh lovely. Martin had a fake Canadian passport. 

35:46 - Excuse me while I cry myself to sleep because Martin put Malcolm’s batman toy in his murder escape bag. It’s so twisted and yet, sweet? 

35:50 - “What’s that?” <3 My heart has shattered. Look at the unshed tears in Malcolm’s eyes. Listen to how soft Gil’s voice is. Look at Malcolm’s sad little heartbroken, hopeful smile and Gil’s heartbroken look of concern. <3 I adore this exchange so so so so much. This is the Papa!Gil content I’ve been hungry for. 

37:38. -”Bright, she said no.” ....and Gil doesn’t want him going in there either. It’s not safe for anyone. But especially not for Malcolm in his current mental state. 

38:25 - “Don’t ever imply Bright doesn’t want to save lives.” YES TELL HER GIL. YES. I’m living my best life. The Papa!Gil fans were FED this episode. <3

38:51 - “They’re going to kill him.” I love this because I get it. My dad was abusive. I don’t like him and I don’t respect him. I think he’s a shitty human being. But I still love him. A part of me always will. Malcolm’s relationship with Martin is a little more complicated but it boils down to the same thing - no matter what a part of you will always love your parents. You might hate that part of yourself. You might try to suppress it. But it’s always there. Whether you like it or not. The idea that Martin will be killed? That’s terrifying for Malcolm because a dead Martin Whitly means he’ll never ‘earn’ his father’s love. It means his chance of finding the father who loved him pre-age 10 is gone forever. And that’s terrifying. Malcolm will grieve what he lost but he won’t grieve Martin as a human being - just who Martin could’ve been for Malcolm. 

39:22 - Gil chasing Malcolm <3 I’m in love. 

39:55 - Again, where the hell did Hector get these clothes? He sure as hell didn’t steal that plaid shirt from Malcolm’s place or the EMTs. 

40:10 - Hector is my favourite killer. I love him and I don’t know why. 

40:50 - This sequence is haunting. Watching Gil, Jessica, and Malcolm terrified and concerned in isolating shots. <3 *Chef’s kiss*. AND THE FACT THAT JT is still with Jessica?!?! <3 Glorious. I’m here for it. 

41:35 - I don’t like the way Capshaw looked at Malcolm when she said, “He’s your father.”.....it was appraising. Almost like she’s considering killing Malcolm to snub the whole Whitly family of potential killers. 

42:17 - That line about karma......holy shit. Capshaw is evil #confirmed. Malcolm is a moron for not spotting it right this second. 

42:55 - I have so many questions. 1) how did Capshaw get Martin in the car without anyone noticing? Like, why didn’t the security cameras catch it? 2) ....how much air circulation is in a car trunk? 3) How long has Capshaw been planning this? 4) is it really Martin in the car? Or someone else? ....maybe she had a goon kidnap Martin and take him to a secondary location after he left Claremont grounds? 5) Did Capshaw ever have a romantic interest in Martin? Was it ALL show?

AHHHHH this episode was amazing and I can’t wait for Tuesday. Thanks for hanging out. <3 

[nymphigeon]

Someone you love(d) || KTH

• Pairing: Taehyung x Reader(f)

• Genre: break up au, angst with a happy ending, fluff? (just a lil' bit at the end :))

• Rating: PG

• Words: 7.2k

• Warnings: swearing, mention of weight, they kiss like once, if you don't like cheesy things....skip this one lmao

• Summary: You thought he loved you, you really did, but the way he left told you something else.

Or alternatively;

Taehyung is an emotionally constipated idiot who doesn't know how to deal with his feelings.

• A/N: Okay it took me waaay too long to write this, I'm so sorry T_T I really wanted to get this out earlier, but well things happened....

I only proofread this like once and had some trouble getting everything into the post properly so I'm sorry if there are any mistakes!  Please let me know if you find any so I can fix them asap.

Thank you for the request @mytaetaey​! I hope it matches your expectations!!!

It honestly hasn't even been that long since the day he showed up at my house.

"Let’s break up."

Although I really wouldn't be able to tell you how much time had truly passed.

"W-wait why?"

Days felt like weeks, weeks felt like months. Everything just seemed to last a lot longer than it should have.

"Did I do something wrong? I-I can fix it, just tell me!"

It might have happened last week, or the week before that. Wasn't it three weeks ago?

"No, no you didn't do anything wrong y/n. I'm sorry this just isn't working out."

Bottom line is, the passing of time hasn't really been on my mind. Any day without him is a day lost, a day to forget about.

"What do you mean this isn’t working out? I thought we were doing well together..."

I remember the confusion that went through me. All of a sudden the four years we spent together seemed to have disappeared.

“You thought wrong.”

He had been acting weird for a while, never quite getting close to telling me what was going through his mind. I hadn’t anticipated it ever ending like this though.

“Not everything you believe is a fact.”

The years I had to get to know him ended too soon. They went by so fast, they might as well have been non-existent.

"I... why? I don’t understand…

This all came too sudden. Just a few days before he had been laying on my bed, smiling as I told him about my day.

"I just don't feel the same anymore."

I just needed a little more time. A little more time to adore him. A little more time to say goodbye.

"I don't love you anymore."

But I still did do. He didn’t seem to care though. After he took care of me for a while, he decided I’m not worth it. Not even as someone who he just passes by.

"It's best if we don't see each other anymore."

If you cherish what you have you'll never be left unsatisfied.

"Goodbye."

I did. And it broke me.

“Y/n? Helloooo?”

My daydreams get interrupted by a waving hand in front of my face, followed by a harsh flick against my forehead.

“Ouch! Mina that was too hard!” Both my hands shoot up to the stinging spot between my eyes, one to prevent the evil hand from handing out another flick, the other one to rub at the red spot forming.

“Class ended a few minutes ago, you should probably pack up. Really, did you just stare off into space for the entire class?” Spotting my close to empty notebook, Mina sighs and shakes her head. She’s trying to look disappointed, but under the scolding exterior she’s putting on, there is a hint of pity.

It’s not the first time this week that not a single word has made it into my notes. Each time again the pages are either filled with lazy doodles and meaningless scribbles, or a space of absolute nothingness, not even a drop of ink staining the white paper.

“I’m sorry, I really did try to pay attention, but you know I hate his classes with a passion.” We both know that’s not the reason for my absentness, and neither of us speaks up about it. It’s what I requested myself, not being able to cope with the sadness I was causing my friends to feel. They care too much, I don’t want to burden them for too long.

“I know sweetheart, you did do your best. I’ll send my notes later, if you want I’ll help you understand them too.” Though no matter how hard I try, I still rely on them. They keep convincing me to, their kind souls not being able to leave me alone.  “If you could I’d really appreciate it.”

A sweet smile appears on Mina’s lips as I accept her offer, being more than happy to help me. She has always been the type to give more than she received, and despite me believing she deserves more than she gets, I adore her for it. “Of course, any time.”

I finish packing my belongings into my backpack, first making sure I didn’t leave anything behind before leaving the classroom with Mina close to my side. She talks about everything and nothing as we roam the spacious hallways filled with tired looking students. I wouldn’t be surprised if more than half of them slept until the end of their lectures.

Most of Mina’s words fall on deaf ears as I think back to the thoughts that occupied my mind the entire time my teacher was trying to explain the principle of quantum mechanics. I wouldn’t have understood it regardless of whether I was paying attention or not by the way.

“Ah you don’t have any more classes today, do you?” An unannounced weight falls on my left side as Mina whines into my shoulder, effectively bringing me back down to earth. Some brabbles about life being unfair escape the muffled sounds she produces, clearly not looking forward to the rest of her day.

“I’m going to be so lonely, me and Daeun aren’t allowed to sit next to each other anymore.” Mina raises her head to catch some air, her hands still clinging to the fabric of my shirt. The scowl on her face isn’t hard to miss, as she isn’t doing much to hide it.

“I was just going to head home straight away.” On any other day I would’ve probably teased her, wishing her good luck while I go and enjoy the free life. Today however, I don’t. My face stays in it’s boring resting position, even as Mina waits for the non-existent twist at the end.

It doesn’t take long before she finally sees I’m not poking fun at her. The moment of realization is clear, her whiny expression disappearing and her hands falling back to her sides. “Oh.”

“Well since it’s Friday how about I come hang out at your place when I’m done here? I’ll drag Daeun along with me too.” Mina’s voice is unsure, scared that I’ll reject her offer. A thick tension hangs in the air as we both wait for my reply.

I want to be alone. I want to be able to overthink in peace without others insisting that my mind is wrong. Though on the other side, I do know that I’ve been pushing them away. All the more reason for them to worry about me.

“Yeah sure.” I manage to convince myself to decide on the option I’d like the least. Somewhere I may be hoping that I’ve been missing out on a distraction I needed. I will never know until I experience it.

“Great! I’ll bring snacks too, let’s make it a movie night!” And off she goes, not waiting for any kind of confirmation from my side. Most likely it’s a way to keep me from refusing, forcing me into a situation that’s best for me, according to her.

I might not be looking forward to the events to come, but even I can’t deny the dull blossoming of my heart. The corners of my lips tug up, together with a hand to wave the girl off.

Yeah, perhaps, just maybe, I’m excited to spend some time with them.

I wasted a lot of time trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. Did I gain too much weight? Did I not text him enough? Was I going down the wrong path?

No matter what I wrote down, which new question I thought of, it didn’t seem right. Crumpled up paper balls and clothes littering the apartment show of the frustration occupying my mind.

No aspect of me changed for the worse. I’m still the same healthy weight, we texted almost every day, and I’m running up the path to a successful career. There is nothing wrong with me, so why am I blaming myself so heavily?

Because for some reason I believe that if I had done things differently the outcome would have been better. Because maybe he would’ve changed his mind if I reacted differently. Because it could never be him who was in the wrong.

A knock on the door and the pen I had been holding drops. Focussing on the paper in front of me once more, the harsh worded sentences ending in large written question marks stand out. I’m yearning for answers to questions I don’t even understand myself and it’s terrifying.

Three knocks on the door this time and I’m up, quickly discarding all the papers littering around. Some I tear to pieces, making sure none of the written sentences are visible anymore, others simply get hidden.

The door creaks as it opens, broadcasting it’s old age to the world. I should probably replace it sometime before someone decides to break in. Not that there’s anything worth taking here, I am a student after all.

“Hey dea- Oh no you look horrible.” A slight gasp interrupts Daeun’s cheery greeting when she notices the birds nest that is my hair. After having acted out all my annoyance on the poor strands, they’ve taken to each other for comfort, gladly intertwining. To my dismay, of course.

“I feel horrible. Come in.” The chuckle meant to lighten the statement doesn’t do it’s job properly. Both don’t say anything more as they enter the tiny apartment I call home, but they might as well have been screaming ‘I feel sorry for you.’” If they won’t do it, their faces definitely will.

“I won’t let any of you chose a movie tonight, I’ve got way too many good ideas.” Mina drops the overfilled bags she was holding on the dinner table while she talks. From the few items that stick out it’s safe to deduce that they’re filled with snacks to the brim.

“Also I was thinking we could order some pizza for dinner. All on me, I just got payed.” Like she owns the place, Mina reaches for several bowls high up in the cupboards of the kitchen. “We’ll use these tonight..” She says it more so to herself than to anyone else, not bothering to ask me anything. Not that it was really needed, I would have given her permission anyway.

“How was your day?” Sitting down next to Daeun, who has made herself comfortable on the couch after walking in, I try to start a basic conversation. Even though I’m not particularly in the mood for anything, I decide it’s probably best to try before I ruin the fun.

“You shouldn’t have to pretend that everything is okay, you know.” My question is completely ignored, switched for a statement that sets a heavy atmosphere in the room. The little excitement I had for their visit disappears. Instead, irritation starts taking over.

“Look Daeun, I-”

“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but this is not the way to cope with whatever may be happening inside you right now.” The tone she uses tells me she isn’t about to back out anytime soon. I hate it, hate how she feels like she can tell me what’s best for me.

“If this is what you came here for then I think it’s best that you leave. I’m not playing around here.” I turn away from the both of them, showing my back instead. This was supposed to be a fun evening to get my mind off him. Turns out, it’s the exact opposite.

“She’s right y/n.” It didn’t sound like Mina initially wanted to talk about this. She has always been unsure of when and how to address things, usually rather staying silent. With the right help however, Mina too will spill her words.

“This will always be a part of your life now, no matter how hard you try to erase it, you can’t. I know you’re hurting, and you’re allowed to feel hurt, we just want to help you. We’ll distract you all you like later, but for now, just confide in us please?”

It’s the way I feel both of their eyes burning into my back, the way she isn’t exactly sure how to convey her thoughts, though has the best intentions, the way a gentle hand softly lands on my shoulder. Sooner or later the dam would have broken. Apparently that time has come.

“I gave up so much for that guy! I moved to a more expensive apartment closer to his so we could see each other more, I started working more hours so he wouldn’t need to pay every time we went out together,” I never really got the chance to complain about the negative side to the changes I made, always feeling like it should be worth it, since I did it for him.

“I studied late into the night just so I had time during the day to hang out with him, do you know how much sleep I lost? I couldn’t even go home to my parents regularly anymore, for the distance was too much.”

Not exactly having expected me to rant so much, the two girls seated next to me stare in surprise. Never have I expressed any discomfort with what I was doing, always plastering a smile on my face.

“I don’t even mind that he broke up with me, I mean I do, but he was so cold! I had done my best to keep things going between us and he just gives me an ‘oh I don’t like you anymore’ like it’s common sense. I didn’t even get a thank you for all those years or a sorry for breaking it off! I just wish he’d…”

I take in a deep breath after having forgotten to breathe for the past minute, all the tears I kept in finally making an appearance as my anger get replaced by the same sadness I felt all those days ago.

“I just wished he’d at least given me reassurance I hadn’t been a waste of his time.”

The volume in which I spoke had drastically lowered, coming out in an almost-whisper. All the objects in front of me blurred as a non-stop stream of tears made it’s way out, my cries just mere silent sobs.

The hand resting on my shoulder becomes an arm pulling me into her side, the rough material of her shirt revealing her identity. Daeun doesn’t say anything as her other hand strokes through the strands of my hair, detangling any knots on the way.

For a moment I feel guilty about the tears wetting her shirt. It’s when she pulls me against her a little tighter that the feeling disappears, giving me the opportunity to fully bask in her embrace.

“I’m so sorry sweetheart.” Feeling left out, Mina pats my thigh and breaks the silence. “You worked hard didn’t you? Because you loved him.” I can hear her clothes rustling first, before her arms too wrap around the space Daeun left.

“I still do.” No matter how much I try to forget about him, I can’t seem to do it. He has engraved himself into my mind, forever stuck. If he’d ever leave is a mystery, though for now, it seems impossible.

You know what? Fuck you Kim Taehyung.

“Dude, what do you want for your birthday?” It’s Jungkook who has slammed down my door and completely disturbed my peace.

“Huh? Nothing in particular really.” Despite the rude entrance, I don’t look up from my tv screen, having already gotten used to the lack of announcements before he comes in.

“Didn’t you ask me that already two days ago?” Once again ignoring any form of politeness, the younger one makes grabby hands towards the bag of potato chips laying next to me. I don’t make any move to stop him, knowing very well I can’t win from him in a fight, ever.

“Yeah because I thought maybe you changed your mind. Usually you’re so excited for your birthday, but you just seem so… Unenthusiastic?” There is almost no way to take him seriously when he’s scarfing down my dear food like it’s water. Surely when were out next time I’ll make him get me a new bag.

“Well yeah that’s because…” What exactly was I going to say?

Finally grabbing his full attention, Jungkook puts down the bag of chips and lets himself fall down next to me. “Because?”

There is no mistaking his smirk for a smile, although he does his damn best to hide it. He knows exactly what I was about to say, and I’m not about to admit anything.

“Because I realized it’s nothing to be overly excited about. That’s it.” Challenging Jungkook to prove me wrong I stare right back at him, not planning on chickening out any time soon. It seems to have worked, as he looks away first.

“Ah is that so? I’ll just see if I can find something you’ll like myself in that case.” The boy who has silently admitted defeat removes himself from the couch, moving to his room at the other side of our apartment.  “Good luck buddy.”

No longer having to pay attention to him, I rewind the movie I was watching back. That muscle bunny just made me miss the absolute best part.

“So why exactly are you dragging me to town again?”

It’s not too busy today, which should have been a given as it’s a normal weekday. Everyone is either yawning behind a desk or running around in circles depending on their career choices. Compared to them, I’m making the worst possible choice by letting my best friend convince me to skip class for a reason I wasn’t even familiar with.

“I’m having none of this ‘I don’t care what you get me’ nonsense. We’re going to find something you like, and that’s why we’re here.” Jimin takes a pause from pulling me along by hand to put both of his on his waist like a proud toddler.

“So in other words, we’re here so I can choose my own birthday gift?” Slowly I begin to understand how much of a waste of my time this is. I could’ve been doing fine trying to understand whatever Mrs. Wilson wanted to go over today, but instead I’m going to be reminded of my ex all day. Great.

Well, if she was still here it wouldn’t have mattered whether I knew what I wanted or not, she always had something great for me, and I always looked forward to it. Once she jokingly told me how she felt pressured, having to live up to my expectations. Though honestly there was nothing for her to live up to, I liked her gifts because she gave them to me. Because she always managed to make each and every birthday a fun one.

“Any ideas yet? Jewellery, clothes, games… Wait, nothing too expensive, I’ll go broke!” Jimin’s sudden panic manages to bubble up a chuckle in me. He doesn’t really seem to appreciate it though, as he scowls at the sound. “What? Your taste is too expensive!”

He knows me well it seems. Not that it was ever a real secret. When the contents of your closet is worth more than someone’s rent several times anybody would want to show that off right? Well so do I.

We walk into several stores for inspiration. No real shopping haul, just a quick in and out with Jimin trying to get a reaction out of me by stuffing things he thinks I like into my face. So far no real success, my only reaction being something along the lines of ‘ah yes that looks nice’ at everything he proposes.

It’s not like I’m purposefully trying not to find something I truly like, but more that honestly nothing catches my interest. And I promise it’s not even the price, some of my most prized possessions are the cheapest things I own. This just isn’t doing it for me.

After having been pulled into the what feels like the hundredth store, my stomach decides to make the loudest noise known to mankind. “Can we like, maybe take a break?” There is no doubt that my face is bright red at this moment, instantly heating up when Jimin laughs equally as loud.

“If you were hungry you should’ve just said so. Let’s go find something to eat.” Is probably the only sentence he said today that I’ve fully agreed on.

It sounded so easy, just find somewhere to buy food. Unfortunately, getting our tummies filled wasn’t written in our future so soon. No matter where we look, everything is either closed or completely full with customers. Who knew so many other people were hungry at this moment. Not like it’s close to dinner time or anything.

Eventually, I manage to convince Jimin to eat at a small fancy restaurant down the street on my expense. Despite him agreeing after a few attempts, a set pout is still present on his face, which doesn’t seem to be leaving anytime soon. Together with some murmurs about how this isn’t fair, he makes himself look incredibly adorable.

Soon however, I would come to regret my decision. The fancy tablecloths and nicely plated food wouldn’t be looking so appealing anymore. Because even if I had convinced my mind of the truth my constant lies hold, there was simply no way for me to convince my heart too.

“Hey isn’t that y/n and… I don’t think I know him.”

The male opposite her had somehow won her over with that stupid perfect smile he wore, his eyes an annoyingly beautiful ocean deep blue and his blonde hair styled in an awfully neat way. Everything about the sight annoys the heck out of me, including the way she was smiling back at him. Why does she look so happy? When was the last time I saw her like that?

“Oh are they… I’m sorry Tae.”

I was the one who broke up with her. I was the one who walked out with a load haven fallen off of my shoulders. I was the one who ran even though she cried. There is no reason for me not to be completely fine.

“I don’t care, she can do whatever she wants now.”

So then why am I the one hurting this much?

It came sooner than expected, my birthday. Just sort of snuck up on me. After the restaurant incident Jimin himself magically decided to end the shopping trip and go home to eat. Nobody ever mentioned my birthday again in the following days.

It was pretty clear that someone had told the others about what happened, although none of them spoke about it. That someone obviously being Jimin.

“Soooo… any plans for the day?”

The question comes from Jungkook, who is fidgeting with the hem of his oversized hoodie. He stands quietly in the doorway to my room, waiting for an answer he already knows.

“Go to class and study after.”

“You’re not going out of the house? No party planned?” The suffocating nervosity radiates off of him in waves, displayed by the still ongoing fidgeting and his eyes that can’t seem to focus on one thing at a time.

“Nope, no other plans.” I sit up in bed, slowly coming to terms with the fact that I won’t be getting any more sleep. Despite him looking like he’s scared I’m going to get mad, he doesn’t actually give up, which isn’t appreciated on my part.

“Well the boys thought we could maybe go out together, get a few drinks.” On any other day besides my birthday I would’ve most likely agreed to the plan. Today however, I can’t help but relate every proposition to my birthday, which I, in case you hadn’t noticed yet, want to forget about as soon as possible.

I had already given him enough opportunities to stop. All it would take was leaving me alone. His constant persistence ends up getting to me, successfully causing me to snap at the younger boy. If he expected an outburst, he’s getting it.

“Why the fuck does everyone expect me to celebrate today? If my birthday is the day on which I can do whatever shit I want then let me do whatever I want!” It wasn’t meant to come out that way, and the guilt sets in the moment I realize it, but I don’t have time to apologize.

“Dude, you seriously need to do something about your feelings for y/n.” He sighs the words as he casually leans against the wall, his arms crossed. In an instant the awkward energy around him disappears, replaced by a very prominent eye roll. It’s not hard to guess that this has been on his mind for a while.

“Don’t mention her. This has nothing to do with her.”

“This has everything to do with her and you know it.”

I don’t have anything to say against that. We both know it’s the truth, though only one of us is trying to deny it. The dumb one.

“You know what I think? You spent your past 6 birthdays with the girl of your dreams and now that you pushed her away you have no idea what to do. Am I right?”

He is. I don’t say anything as my head lowers, slowly realizing there is no hiding anything from him. She’s still on my mind. I still wonder what she’s doing, where she is, if she’s safe. I still care. “You’re right.”

I broke up with who I considered my other half, convincing myself that I didn’t need her anymore. Who exactly was I trying to protect?

“I had to, I’ll hurt her.” I already did.

“And suddenly breaking up with her is supposed to make her happy?” I was hoping it would in the long run.

“You’re not the same as him.” Though I am. The same parents, the same group of friends growing up, the same sense of humour. We got along so well. What if we still do?

“He’s my brother Kook. We were so alike. You know he once too adored her.” We don’t talk anymore, I’m disappointed in him. He would’ve been too. I don’t understand what changed.

“He used her, nobody saw it coming. The signs were there, he just hid them too well.” Jungkook leaves his spot against to wall to comfort me, tucking my head into his neck.

“You’re not him and he isn’t you. The fact that you no longer want to be associated with him proves everything. He didn’t care about Hyeon.” So he can look straight at me, he pushes me away with his hands on my shoulders. The expression on his face tells me he’s serious.

“You love her, and you’ve got to fix this mess.”

I don’t like agreeing with him, but once again, he’s right.

As soon as I open the door I want to slam it right back into his face. Or I might want to run into his arms, I can’t decide yet. Regardless, I wasn’t expecting Taehyung to be standing on the other side when the doorbell went off.

“Umm… Hi?” All the words that have been building up in my personal dictionary seem to disappear the moment I lay my eyes on him. He still looks as good as the last time I saw him, even though the circumstances were heart-breaking.

“Hey, um I’m sorry I showed up unannounced. I didn’t really think this through…” Everything about him screams awkward. From the way his feet are pointed slightly more inwards than normally, to the way he doesn’t seem to be able to smile naturally. Instead there is this weird, tight expression on his face.

“Oh um… Would you like to come in though?” I don’t wait for an answer as I step aside, my memory helping me remind that nine out of ten times the answer to that question is ‘yes’. “Oh yeah, thank you.”

“Do you want anything to drink?” Not really having anything to say I cycle through the set few sentences I usually need when I have someone over. I’m not happy that he’s here, but I’m not the type to lash out at people.

“Ah no, I’m okay. Look I’m just going to get straight to the point, I messed up big time. I got insecure and closed myself off to everyone including you and I’m so fucking sorry that I did.”

My lack of reaction surprises me. Sure, my insides are doing somersaults, but I don’t feel the need to express any of it. Like an unused sheet of paper, my face stays blank. “And now you’re here to win me back I presume?”

Somewhere in between his statement and mine, the tables shifted. Slowly, I’m gaining the confidence he is losing.

“Well, not really, I mean yes, but-”

He catches himself rambling, shutting his mouth before any real nonsense can make it out. Taking a deep breath helps, the words coming out more fluently after. Not a great start, but it’s okay. I have patience. Sometimes.

“I just wanted to let you know that the words I shot at you that day weren’t true. I hurt you and I didn’t want those words to roam your mind not knowing they weren’t even close to what I was feeling.”

The deep breath he drew in earlier escapes in a deep sigh, followed by his mouth opening and closing a few times without any sounds making it out. “And?” It was meant as a way to encourage him to continue. Sadly, it came out rather rude.

“I do still care about you, damn I still love you more every day. If there is anything I can do to make it up to you please let me know, I don’t want to have to live in a world where my last words to you made you cry. Obviously I would want a second chance at being the proper lover you deserve, but you’re in charge here. If you want me to walk out the door I will.”

There’s a hopeful look in his eyes making my heart beat erratically. In the past I would’ve instantly dropped to my knees, making sure every wish of his came true. I am no longer that girl.

“Tae it’s been months, you can’t just suddenly drop by and tell me you’re sorry. I spent days wondering why you broke up with me, wailing over the fact that you suddenly just didn’t care anymore, and even now you’re not giving me an answer. Why did you suddenly turn your back on me? Why did you not talk to me about whatever was bothering you? Even now you’re making me feel like you couldn’t trust me. Fuck, you just left me there like I was a piece of trash!”

What was once a hopeful look in his eyes, turned into defeat. He won’t give me an answer.

“You can’t just come in here exclaiming to love me after I’ve worked so hard to get myself over you. You can’t just come in here trying to steal my heart when I’m learning to give it to somebody else.”

“The blonde haired dude?”

Perhaps I shouldn’t feel a sense of accomplishment at the clear jealousy in his voice. However, this man did break my heart in two for apparently no reason. Is it weird I would want to get back at him a little?

“His name is Yejun and he’s a great guy. Look, just leave please. I have nothing more to say or hear. We’re done.” Turning away from him I mark the end of this conversation. It takes a while before there is any movement behind me. Slow steps make their way to the front door before pausing.

“I hope he treats you well, but I’m not going to simply give up on you like that.”

And secretly, I was hoping he wouldn’t.

Two, three four days, before I realize it it has been an entire week since I last saw him. Some part of me is scared, scared that he has decided otherwise and I will never hear from him again.

I had told myself getting over him would be easy when I finally accepted the help of my friends, and for a while it was. Or so I thought, because the moment he walked in here I was right back to square one.

I’m in the middle of working on a new project when the doorbell rings. Standing up, I go to open the door wondering who it could be. If he had come back for me after all. Too bad I would soon be disappointed, as the man standing in front of my door was just an ordinary mailman.

“Umm I didn’t order anything?” My eyes fall on almost gigantic package behind the man. If I ordered some furniture I would’ve surely remembered right?

“Are you not y/f/n y/l/n?”

“No I am.”

“It clearly has your name and address on it miss.”

The building up confusion hasn’t left my head yet, but knowing there is nothing else I can do I decide to accept the package. After thanking the courier I close the door and carefully carry the big box into my living room.

The moment I open the big thing up, a bunch of big balloons float up to my low ceiling. There’s a transparent one with little hearts bouncing around inside, one that’s just one big heart itself, another one has the words ‘I love you’ written on it in a neat font. If I hadn’t checked my calendar this morning I would’ve thought it was valentine’s day.

Diving deeper into the box I find a relatively big fluffy teddy bear, hugging what seems to be a letter in a white envelope.

‘When I was 16 a miracle happened, I met the most beautiful girl. Me not being able to contain myself I immediately introduced myself to her. She said he name was y/n. I think it was back then that I decided her voice was my favourite. I was too much of a coward to ask her out at the time. I eventually did, though looking back I wish I did so sooner. There was never a boring day with her by my side.’

That’s all there is. Just a few words on an otherwise empty piece of paper. No signature at the bottom, no name, and still I knew exactly who wrote it.

The next day another package came in. This time a different set of balloons, a different stuffed animal, but the exact same white envelope.

 ‘When I was 22 my brother and his fiancée broke it off. Just like the piece of shit I have to call my dad he betrayed his partner’s trust, cheating on her without a second thought. My mother heard about it and accused both of us as being just like our father. You know after a while, I really started believing her.’

Each day a new box would come in, always containing a present with a letter attached.

‘I was terrified of hurting you, terrified of you seeing me the way my mom did, so I hid everything from you. I should’ve known that I can’t hide anything, you know me too well. I panicked and left you, the biggest mistake I could ever make. One that made everything that was already happening so much worse. I tried telling myself I didn’t need you, but I just couldn’t.’

I believed him, believed in the words he wrote down.

‘I’m so fucking sorry for everything I put you through. It’s all my fault and I’ll spend forever owning up to my mistakes. I love you and I don’t want to live without you. Please just give me one more chance to prove myself to you. One is all I need.’

I’m sorry Yejun, I can’t forget about him after all.

Actually he should be the one who is nervous, and well maybe he is, but I’m the one standing on his front porch with my knees shaking and my heart beating right out of my chest. At one point I was even scared he would be able to hear me through the door.

Shaking my head I gather all the courage I can to knock on his door before I turn around and run back in the direction I came from. However, when I hear the sound of my fist on the hard wood I briefly still consider hiding somewhere.

Luckily I don’t get the chance to. While still going back and forth between the options staying or coming back some other time, the door creaks. I stiffly force my hands to stay still at my sides. The time it takes for the door to actually open seems like an entirety. If you were to count the passing seconds it would at most be like 5, which doesn’t sound like much, it feels like much.

“y/n?” His stance looks like a ‘what are you doing here?’, but his eyes give more of a ‘please say you’re here to forgive me’. Well, the latter would be right. “Can I come in?”

“Y-yeah of course.”

It’s not hard to notice that he is uncertain of his actions. It pleases me on one hand, as it gives me some sort of confirmation that he doesn’t want to make any more mistakes around me. On the  other hand, I don’t like seeing him uptight around me. I wish he was more comfortable when I’m near.

“I received the letters you wrote.” He knows I received his letters, he was the one who wrote them and sent them out. Surprisingly though, he almost audibly swallows at the information like he did something bad.

“Why couldn’t you tell me in person?” It takes me back to the day he suddenly landed on my doorstep. Even when I explicitly asked for it, he gave me nothing.

“I was scared, I couldn’t get the words out. I wasn’t at all prepared.” He takes a pause before continuing. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, I just didn’t know what else to believe at that point.”

Carefully, I reach out my hand to place on top of his laying on his lap. I don’t touch his skin yet, patiently waiting for him to give me some sort of consent. It comes in the form of him softly raising his hand to meet mine.

“I know, we all have our insecure times. You’re not obligated to tell me anything. I can’t and shouldn’t force you to. I’m sorry I doubted you. I was only upset about the way you left.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I thought that if your last memory of me was a bad one you’d forget me faster.”

It didn’t work the way he wanted it to, but he already knows. Already having been hit with that fact multiple times, I decide to spare him. I don’t mention it again.

“Did you ever stop loving me?” At the time it seemed like he did. Like he wasn’t simply acting, like those harsh words were what he truly felt. “Be honest please.” I don’t want any more lies. I’ll accept whatever comes out, even if it throws me right back to where I started.

“I-I don’t know… I really thought my mother was right. That what I had for you wasn’t what it seemed to be.” His gaze briefly drifts to the ground, before focussing on our touching hands. Like magic, the uncomfortableness he was feeling seems to shift. “No matter what she or I tried to convince myself of, something was always missing. I couldn’t put a mask over my own hurting and guilt anymore.”

He spoke the truth. Well at least I think he did. And so I accepted it.

“Okay, thank you for telling me.”

This talk was long overdue. Something we both needed and completely missed. No screaming, no crying, no accusing. If only it went this way from the start. We’re not all perfect though. Even if someone out there is, I’m not, he isn’t. They must be laughing at us.

“Your letters were cheesy. The gifts too.” I’m not sure if this is me trying to lighten the mood, or if I’m just stating facts. Regardless, it makes the both of us smile.

“I know. But you love cheesy things, like the roses I buy you on special occasions.” When he looks back at me I have to resist the urge to jump on him. The smile he wears look good on him. It’s been a while since I’ve seen it. “You know me too well.”

“Well did they work?”

I had already made up my mind a few days back. While staring at the floating balloons occupying my living room I had decided for myself that he’s worth it. He is.

Tilting my head up like I’m still thinking, I make clear ‘hmm’ sound. I had thought that the answer is quite obvious, seeing as I came to him myself, but when doubt takes away his smile I drop the act. I’ve been through enough. We’ve both been through enough.

“Yeah, yeah it did.”

Unlike myself, he doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around me. Burying his head in the crook of my neck like he used to do, he lets out a few low ‘thank you’s’. It doesn’t take me long to return the hug, feeling just as safe with him as I used to.

“What about.. Ah I forgot his name.” It’s not hard to guess who he’s hinting at, the sourness in his voice giving him away. I understand, I wouldn’t like it either.

“I ended things.” His answer just comes in the for of a small nod. There is no need for anything more.

“I honestly thought you were going to reject me again.” He ends his sentence with a chuckle and completely relaxes in my hold. Now that the tension is gone, we can go back to where we left off, slowly rebuilding what was lost.

“I was just playing with you, I’m sorry. But no more being an asshole okay? I promise I will kick your ass.” My giggling might undermine the threat a little to others. Luckily, he knows I’m serious.

“I will give you full permission to, but you’ll never have to. I’m going to dump so much love on you that you’ll regret ever even thinking about taking me back. You’re stuck with me now though, so you better be prepared.”

Pulling himself back a little, he plants a gentle kiss on my lips. And then another one, a second one, three more, each kiss more passionate than the last. A fire spreads throughout my body, burning away the few doubts I had left with success. Eventually, to my dismay, I have to pull back for air. Damn humans for needing oxygen.

“Oh? I’d like to see you try.”

Just in case you were wondering, I never did regret it.

[bangtanblurbs]

young forever

song: young forever by BTS

first experience: strangely enough i have a very visceral memory of when forever young dropped. it was during finals week of my final year in undergrad. the song released on a sunday in the wee hours (or perhaps a monday? - days tend to run together during finals week). i didn’t have many assignments due that year since my course load was light and i was really just coasting into grad school the year afterwards (at the same institution i attend for undergrad). i remember logging onto youtube and catching the video as it premiered. i was stunned. HYYH pt. 1 and HYYH pt. 2 were heavenly to me, so of course young forever was greatly anticipated for me - the aesthetics, continuation of the story, and also simply getting new bangtan music. the cotton candy color pallet loaded onto my phone screen, and RM’s beautiful voice can through my earphones... i was immediately in love. 

every member looked completely stunning. the message i got from the video was... incredibly powerful. the maze. the lyrics. all of it resonated with me, a young woman -- 22 years old -- soon to turn another corner in life. i sat in my dorm room preparing for a busy week, as i was the RA in my dormitory and needed to help my students move out that week... as i prepared for my graduation and transition into my next step in life... i was also shipping out to macau, china for the summer in a few weeks so i geared up for that. this video dropping was almost a breath of fresh air from everything going on. i was able to really sit and enjoy it, but also reflect on my past, present, and the future to come. 

feelings: well, i have quite a lot. as someone who has been chronically obsessed with the story of peter pan since age seven, i’d say that youth is something i value - perhaps a bit too much. what’s interesting though is young forever isn’t necessarily about youth in the rawest sense... it’s also about dreams, reaching the point in your life where you’re happy, with yourself, your circumstances, ultimately your place in life. which i suppose most people equate that with youth, the innocence and naivety of it all. for me, thinking about forever young is kind of about that anxiety we carry as we get younger - have a made good use of my youth? did i squander it, getting caught up in the day to day or bogged down by my demons? the worry that our youth is our prime and when it’s gone, where do we go next? retire? it’s kind of funny thinking about this now as I’m 27 instead of 22. do i feel any older? no, not really - i feel the same. the same energy, the same zeal for life. do i look back on the days when i was younger and think that my youth is gone? no. for me - youth - it’s a state of mind. it’s an ethos, a way of proceeding forwards in my life. i didn’t always think this way - perhaps that was wrapped up in my anxiety about getting older. i used to lament my birthday each passing year - god turning 23 felt the absolute worst for some reason. it’s funny now though - how i almost feel younger, lighter, now than i did. youth should be a feeling of unburdened peace right? ideally it would seem so - but the reality in our world today... youth is pain. youth is struggling. youth is stumbling through the dark and trying to figure out who the hell you are, who the hell you want to be. i still feel like i’m stuck in that place, that place of wonder - of reaching out, exploring, experiencing... i feel as naïve as ever despite the pain that courses through some of my life. 

so back to young forever - how does the song make me feel? it makes me feel at home. at peace. forever we can carry our youth, forever we can approach our lives with childish curiosity, with the energy to follow our dreams, with a dedication to our passion, and an and endless realization that change is the only constant in our lives. despite the ups and downs that might come with living with this mindset - i wouldn’t want to live any other way. what’s the point of continuing to grind hard every day in the cruel systems our society has built if we can’t at least say we did it with voracious appetite to experience fully our surroundings, emotions, and imaginations?

personal connection: it’s rather hard for me to nail down all of my personal connections to young forever. as i mentioned, i have a really strong connection to the story of peter pan. i’ll briefly explain why and how that plays in here - but i must warn you... if you’re uncomfortable with strangers oversharing on the internet, perhaps this isn’t the blog for you to read. i’m quite comfortable bearing my soul to people i don’t know. for some reason vulnerability has never been something i’ve struggled with - perhaps it’s the naivety i love about myself. anyways... here we go.

when i was 17 my best friend passed away from cancer. it was relatively quick. just a summer we spent together gossiping in a hospital room, machines beeping while we tried our very best just to giggle about boys and lament our torturous IB courses. i’d known her nearly my whole life. meeting in second grade - and bonding quickly over a love for the whimsy of peter pan’s story. we’d gush on the playground about flying away to neverland - where we could do whatever we wanted. explore, sing, fly. but she was gone then. gone far too soon. frozen in a youthful state in my mind. her passing is still the hardest thing i’ve ever been through in my life, and i’ve been through some scary shit. immediately when i hard young forever i thought about her. i thought about how she lived. she was fearless. the bravest and strongest person i ever knew, and still to this day, have ever known. knowing her - experiencing her soul - it changed me. once she passed away i had to be strong, my classmates looked to me as their rock, my parents forbid me to cry, everyone pushed me into adulthood way too quickly. i was just a seventeen year old girl. i was having a crisis - i wanted nothing more than to speak to my best friend as i navigated choosing my next steps after high school. but she wasn’t there, and i wasn’t allowed to feel. i was terrified. my youth was gone. nothing seemed fun anymore. youth became pain as i looked around at my peers who were back to normal in a matter of weeks. giggling with one another, moving along with life. i became a robot. quickly i threw myself into school work. i was already a high achieving student but i climbed higher. i worked harder. i had decided that for the life she couldn’t live, i would live it for her. i’d go to the best college i could, i’d do all the things i never dreamed i could. i’d do it for her. but i wasn’t living. i had let my youth go. i was fading away. just a shell. 

it’s funny. or perhaps it’s not. young forever is a comfort song. a comfort song with some incredible darkness in it. the anxiety in namjoon’s verse, yoongi’s speaking to hiding feelings - pushing forward despite what he carries, hoseok’s verse about letting himself go and just giving what he has to keep pushing. their words - that’s how i felt. the song dropped around four years after my friend’s passing. i needed it before then. although perhaps it wouldn’t have “saved me” because music doesn’t save, music gives us the strength and comfort we need to save ourselves (i’m not a fan of taking way my own agency in MY story), it might have offered me a light in an increasingly blurry world. 

a year prior to the song’s release i’d spent a summer in china. my life changed there. i lived with seven incredibly bright middle school girls. that experience, i never thought it would start to heal me the way it did. they were under immense pressure (the education system in china is total bullshit)... and they told me “caroline, youth is pain. it’s not beautiful. it’s a period where we struggle the most.” i’d never heard this. the typical western perspective is that youth is “the most beautiful part of life” - it’s where you fall in love, it’s where you get hurt and you pick yourself up, it’s where you find yourself, you feel invincible. but that’s just it - it’s also where you can get incredibly lost (like the maze in the video). not all of us experience youth without pain. this perspective helped me to heal. i wasn’t so alone - i wasn’t squandering my youth, sure - i was treading water - but that was okay. i could cry. i could feel. and so, at this point i began to write my own story again. rather than living for someone else, i decided to throw the book out the window, to pick myself and run like hell towards what i wanted. to accept the freefall of life. that’s youth. that’s the most beautiful part of life. the part where you free yourself from whatever chains society has on you. youth is only associated with being a child because that who should be the most free. when truly youth, youth is that period in your life when you learn to live for yourself, your dreams. dream, hope, keep going. don’t fucking stop.

so this brings us to 2016. i was weeks away from a new journey abroad when young forever dropped. i was doing better. life felt lighter. i still had a long way to go, but some things i’d gotten right. i gained confidence, i navigated my interpersonal relationships with more poise. etc etc. going to china the second time, it changed me more. i did things on my own i’d never dreamed of doing. crossing multiple national borders, making friends with people i couldn’t communicate with. i opened my heart to it all. and i fell in love with myself. for the first time. i fell in love with how completely i embraced my freedom and coupled it with my drive, my passions. that is what young forever is about. it’s about the struggle but the continued commitment to the state of mind that once you’re free - once you embraced that childlike state of being - you can achieve so much happiness. 

which brings us to now - how do i connect to the song now? much in the same way that i did before. carrying these emotions connected to this song so deeply into adulthood has been incredibly touching. i’ve matured with bangtan. from 2015 to now. i’ve only grown in how i embrace my youth. sure, i have to conform at times, play the adult, but the motto “dream, hope, keep going.” that’s what i live by. nothing can change that for me now. i’m still fucking lost, but i’m running like hell. i have my setbacks, my demons, my challenges, but i’ve never been so fucking free. that’s young forever for me. thank you for reading my story. 

song breakdown:

musically: something i truly love about young forever is that it’s really atypical in how it flows musically and the entire structure of the song. it’s creativity run wild - it’s a story and build. and i love that. it starts off slow, soft, with a sweet sadness. the highlight isn’t the backing track, it’s the honey rap voices. it’s absolutely perfect. understated and building. with each new voice that comes in the beat speeds up. it’s like running. which is fitting. because the story in the song is that of bangtan. the lyrics say it, the boys are worried - worried about how well they’ve done, when they’ll stop gaining success, concerned that all of this life will end, wondering who they are in this - the performance the journey. they are quite literally running towards their dreams. we see this in the song lyrically. 

once the chorus comes, we need an increased speed in the beat and the song picks up with the chanting of the mantra. “forever, we are young.” us together, bangtan and ARMY. the song fades into the beautiful clapping beat, the refrains of dream, hope, keep going. musically the song is beautifully understated in a way that can only draw out the listeners’ emotions and highlight the charged encouraging lyrics. the story here is clear and only more illuminated by the musical choices. 

vocally: young forever is such a treat. it’s a rap heavy song, but not in a way that takes away from the beautiful second half of the song which is full of beautiful vocal line refrains and ad libs. it’s a chant song. a comfort song. and perhaps that’s why it’s stuck with me for all these years as one of my ultimate favorite BTS songs. 

when the song begins we are greet by namjoon’s beautiful low rap register. he delivers the rap melodically slow. you can appreciate the way his voice carries emotion and the tempo of the beginning story, of the emotional journey the song embarks upon. following namjoon’s beautiful voice is yoongi. who assumes a slower rap style initially. he has a few parts where he treats us to shout rapping as well - which give us kind of a pleading emotion - we can hear his lament for the pressure placed upon him as he stands in the spotlight. finally, rapline is rounded out by hoseok - i’m gonna say it - this is one of hoseok’s best slow verses. he offers his usual spicy tone, giving the trap style endings to each line. the emotion hits it’s peak with the punch tones and hoseok’s strong committment to his lines expressing his desires, his drive. 

the second half of the song is dominated by the beautiful tones of vocal line. taehyung leads us into the chorus with his beautiful deep register, followed by jungkook’s high tones. the juxtaposition of their voices coupled by jin and backed by jimin’s beautiful melodies is absolutely stunning. rapline takes turns coming in with the refrain “dream, hope, keep going.” all of this mixed together is simply stunning. it’s like hope in vocal form. we have the low and the highs, the singing voices and the speaking refrains. most devastatingly is jimin’s forever ever ever - piercing the background of the song. highlighting the longing - the conviction - to youth - the spirit of it, the beauty of it. the chant portion of the song is also what makes this song so devastating to hear live. everyone comes in, blends together and makes the message resonate completely. 

lyrically: here. we. go. a DEEP DIVE. i think firstly, it’s important to start with the fact that we have a song, young forever, that was released as the epilogue to two devastating HYYH albums. HYYH was the epitome of youth themed albums. it encapsulated everything we associate typically with youth. love songs, songs about pain, songs about healing, songs about not being enough, songs about our dreams, songs about being lonely... it’s all there. both the beauty of youth and the beautiful pain of youth dominate HYYH pt. 1 and HYYH pt. 2. then, those messages, those themes, were sealed with epilogue: young forever. why? well, my feeling is this is bangtan’s way of leaving us with the reality that youth isn’t something that’s fleeting. it’s not an age or state in time. it’s something we carry within. it’s how we approach the things we confront in our lives, how we live and move forward through adversity towards our passions and dreams. 

now - with that out of the way it’s time to dissect some lyrics. there’s quite a lot here in the three rap verses so i truly hope to do them justice. 

namjoon’s verse starts like a story, “the curtain falls” the end of a performance, often used as metaphor for the end of a certain point in one’s life. “the curtain falls and i’m out of breath / i get mixed feelings as i breathe out” clearly the chapter that’s closing for him has been an exhausting one, but he’s not sure about moving forward even though now he has the time to finally reflect and see what he wants next. to me, this speaks directly to where bangtan was at this point in their career. they’d been through the bullshit - the trainee days, the ridicule, the exclusion from the typical korean music system... they’d made it. I NEED U had one awards, RUN did as well, 2016 bangtan had begun to see the fruit of their labor pay off - but with that, what’s next. where do they climb next? what’s to come? there’s that feeling of unease for namjoon. “did I make any mistakes today? / how did the audience seem?” are the next lines, bringing in that sense of reflection. even though now he can breathe - he worries, what’s his impact, how do people feel about what he’s given them, did he have shortcomings? these thoughts flood in and set the mood for the next steps forward. these questions only become more as the pressure continues. the next and final three lines of namjoon’s verse group well together and offer us much more hope that the foreboding in the start of the verse: “i’m happy with who i’ve become / that i can make someone scream with joy / still excited from the performance.” the peace in these final lines, it’s kind of like the rest of the song - starting with the hardship, the unease, what must or has been overcome - mellowing out to realization that things will keep going on. namjoon is at peace with where is at the end of this chapter, he is glad he can stand on this stage bringing smiles to faces, and finally - the buzz of just being able to do music, that remains with him through all of the constant pressure. something about these lines, they’re beautiful.

just like that, yoongi’s verse begins. he provides the same metaphor to the listener. he is standing on an empty stage. the performance is over. the chapter is closing. HYYH is becoming the past for BTS. the struggles, will they be over too as they move forward with their progressing careers? “i stand on the empty stage while holding onto an aftertaste that will not linger for long” he begins - he knows that the high of this moment, the place they’ve reached in this time... it can’t be forever, the emotions of it all are beginning to fade into something else. he then moves on to offer some more insight into how he feels about that unknown of moving on: “while standing on this empty stage, i become afraid of this unpleasant emptiness.” this line seems telling to me - yoongi is someone that gets a lot from recognition, achievement, sharing his works with others. leaving the stage, moving away from this performance moment... it’s hard on him... he feels empty, his moment, his purpose - they’re over... at least for now. the anxiety seeps in. “within my suffocating feelings / on top of my life’s line” he starts to try and explain deeper his emotions, suffocation, a feeling of panic, likely anxiety or pressure induced. what’s next? will it demand more? he’s on top of his life’s line - he feels like he’s reaching his peak, not knowing where to go next, plateau? down? yoongi then lodges into almost a picture perfect description of what society can make us do in moments of pressure where we are feeling anxiety or panic - “without a reason, i forcibly act that i am fine / this isn’t the first time, i better get used to it” he’s going to put on a strong face, suppress how he really feels because at some point there could be another audience, he remains on the stage even if the curtains have closed. he forces himself to do so, and it’s a habitual thing for him. it sounds like truly this is habitual for yoongi - really needing to mask his fear, his panic, his anxiety for the sake of those watching. it tears me up, because it seems like he also knows that this will continue in his future. and the he realizes that keeping the mask on, it’s not something he’s able to do or perhaps interested in doing “i try to hide it, but i can’t.” the final lines of his verse leave us with some unease - they’re unclear - but perhaps they’re speaking to the fact that performing won’t be his forever... “when the heat of the show cools down / i leave the empty seats behind,” so at some point -- the excitement, the hype, it will be gone... those who want to see him, they’ll be gone too, and he’ll move on to what is next. or perhaps this could allude to the fact that the pressure of those watching goes away and he will finally feel comfortable? there’s a lot here. a lot left up and open.

and finally we round out rapline with hoseok’s verse - which leads us into the chorus and refrains. the first three lines of hoseok’s part go hand in hand with one another - they’re a natural progress of coping with one’s emotions and situation: “trying to comfort myself / i tell myself the world can’t be perfect / i start to let myself go.” the chapter is closing and hoseok is trying to tell himself, it’ll be okay. almost like listening to the song young forever - seeking comfort. a home. realizing that things aren’t always going to go his way, he can’t have this moment forever, and sometimes things are going to be ups and downs... the final line is perhaps the most startling, letting oneself go. realizing that there’s some pieces of yourself that are okay to let go, whatever is holding you back, keeping you stuck, sometimes we need to shed that to go forward with the youthful exploration that keeps life invigorating and exciting. or perhaps hoseok is thinking about the day in which he will let “j-hope” go and just be hoseok, without a stage in the traditional sense. “the thundering applause, i can’t own it forever” he moves on saying that this life won’t be his forever, at some point he will need to move on - realize that this moment is down, lose himself to it, and see what is next. yet - even with this knowledge hoseok continues “i tell myself, so shameless / raise your voice higher” it seems that there’s a conflict he’s facing - letting this moment go or screaming as loud as he can to hold onto it, and shamelessly so - letting go of all the constructed norms for how he should behave. perhaps, holding onto his YOUTH even as he grows older in age and should grow away from a youthful mentality. he is raising his voice and hopefully pushing forwards, perhaps just away from this stage and onto an even larger one. it seems this is the case “even if the attention isn’t forever, i’ll keep singing” he states. he will hold onto his passion, keep moving forwards with his music, his voice, his connection to whatever it is that wants to be connected to him - because this is his very soul and being. finally - hoseok closes out his verse “as today’s me, i want eternity / forever, i want to be young.” it seems that hoseok is choosing to be who he is at this moment, his youthful self, as long as he goes on. he will leave this version of himself, this beautiful, loving, hopeful version of himself as his mark on the earth for eternity. 

moving into the chorus we have the iconic title line “forever we are young” which to me, it’s about taking youth forward with you in all that you do. taking your passion, your drive, your love, your hope -- pouring it into all that you do and not letting the outside spoil you and take that from you. keeping your passions and running towards them. that’s the core of the message in young forever. 

jungkook then croons “under the flower petals raining down / i run, so lost in this maze” bringing us to think about how seasons change - flower petals can fall because of their abundance but also because they we are moving into winter. either way, the analogy of flowers is hopeful to me. blossoms on trees - the return in time. not the same blossoms, but just as beautiful as the previous ones. perhaps he’s speaking to the fact that the blossoms are falling now as the chapter is ending - which leads into the feeling of lost, of being in a maze... but the reality is, the flowers will come again. the can come again. so long as they keep running - there’s a chance for this beautiful moment to happen once again. that’s youth. perhaps you have your ups and downs, your moments in the sun (your spring days) and your cold days... but keep running, keep your energy, dream, hope, keep going. and you can return. 

jin then offers the other refrain “even when i fall and hurt myself / i endlessly run toward my dream.” THIS is youth. this is it. that almost stupid attitude of not recognizing when you’re down and out... not recognizing when perhaps you should stop. turning up the energy at your weakest point even when authority is telling you to let it go. this is the essence of youthful hope and energy. even if they’ve failed, even at their lowest point, they’re cementing that they won’t stop until they achieve their dreams. once again. dream. hope. keep going. just keep fucking going. 

finally the other refrain that is repeated throughout the chorus: dream. hope. forward. forward. is the direct translation. but, many would say it’s dream. hope. keep going. this is youth. our dreams, childish and pure. our hope, what we pour into ourselves, what we surround ourselves with - the light that keeps us going. and then constantly moving forward continuing even when our odds look bad. this shit resonates. bangtan did it. they dreamed, 7 boys at a small company. they hoped, holding onto one another, working hard, baby steps forward. they kept going. no matter the ridicule, the setbacks, they pushed forward. these words - they mean the world to me as i’ve pushed through shit in my life. i’m only where i am today because i, by some miracle, internalized this youthful mantra. allowing myself to dream, those moments of hope, pushing forward no matter what. that’s youth. that’s young forever. 

performance: well this is shaping up to be quite a long post. i want to discuss both the MV and how live performances typically proceed. i’ve also attached to this post my personal video of young forever at the HYYH: the epilogue tour in macau. sorry for my screaming in advance. 

MV: the MV is really interesting for the HYYH universe, although the same could be said for save me, which is technically in the universe... BUT the fact that the MV steps away from the storylines and almost takes us into the minds of the characters bangtan is playing is an interesting choice. we start off the video with the boys in a chain-linked fence maze, wandering around, and flashbacks for each of there characters. the overall aesthetic of the video fits with the lyrics and these feelings of uncertainty... the feeling of being lost... wandering from phase to phase in life. early on we see a scene of yoongi burning photos from the HYYH era - truly this song is about death to the past a new beginnings, overcoming the past but moving forward with the pieces of you that are important. the highlighting of the text “꿈 희망 전진 전진” or dream, hope, keep going - making it the mantra of the song. keep moving, keep running. almost it seems like the characters are running away from their demons as well. the members running off into the sunset together? it’s all about endings. new beginnings. but taking them on with determination and an attitude of childlike awe, glee, dreams, and determination. 

performance: we’ve all seen the iconic wembley performance. we’ve probably all cried over it more than once. maybe it’s your comfort video? maybe it’s secretly mine (ha!). i can tell you, experiencing this song live... there’s really nothing like it. it’s understated. there’s no dance. nothing like that. 

in the performances - namjoon appears alone in a starlight stage with the lyrics scrawling on a screen behind him. the lights are all dark, deep blue tones everywhere, it feels dreamy. the entire crowd is brought into a dream like state. it’s fitting, its absolutely fitting and incredibly stunning. yoongi then appears to namjoon’s left and hoseok to his right to be spotlighted for their respective verses. the emotion is everywhere. the song is even more incredible with a live band. you cannot imagine it. the chorus arrives with a change in vibe, a beautiful sunset is projected and the vocal line appears from the floor. all of the members stand shoulder to shoulder and belt the chorus and refrain. and you would not believe how devastatingly beautiful it is to hear ARMY shouting along. forever we are young. kkum, huimang, jeonjin, jeonjin. shouting together. again and again. clapping with one another. waving ARMY bombs. it’s completely emotional. i cried. i cried on the strangers next to me, that didn’t speak my language. there is nothing like it. 

i must also note, the concert i was at we were all distributed lightsticks and banners with 꿈 희망 전진 전진 written on them. this song has been important since it released. it’s the core of bangtan’s rise. it is so important to these boys. and to many of us fans as well.

now - a word about what happened at wembley. bangtan had no idea that ARMY would sing young forever TO them. at WEMBLEY. fans who likely do not speak korean. chanting their mantra to them “kkum, huimang, jeonjin, jeonjin” and singing “foreverrrrr we are younnnnng” and saying they will keep going. they will walk their journey towards their dreams. something about that, it’s incredibly toughing. you and i cannot imagine how that must have felt for bangtan. the moment must have been completely surreal. one of the world’s largest stages, playing one of the most meaningful songs of their careers - a song meant to memorialize their climb to fame, their accomplishments, their youth that they likely felt the LOST during this climb to where they are now. jimin himself said that night “this song. wow. this song helped me a lot when things were really hard.” young forever means so very much to bangtan. it always has. and their fans chose that very song. we chose that song (rather we were there or not). it’s our mantra too. whatever we go through, we are on this journey, and we are not alone. we are not alone. we can muster the strength to carry on with that same youthful zeal for life. watching that video... it’s moving. it’s completely incredible. to be a part of this journey... just wow. 

tl;dr: in conclusion... young forever is one of the BTS songs that has the most touching meanings, and it came at a very delicate time in their career. a time when they were finally getting the recognition they deserved and sought for a long time. a time when they were pivoting from “young” to “young adult.” a time when they likely struggled with a loss of their youth. all of this... it’s powerful because it’s not alien for those of us normal people. we all feel this. i’ve felt it as i’ve gone through tough shit and came out the other side changed, only to have to find my way through the maze and back to myself. youth and being young, it’s a state of mind. i think bangtan sincerely know and believe this. that’s what makes the song and the message it carries so incredibly powerful. so meaningful to us all. thanks for reading yet again. 

[mydriases]

Boyfriend headcanons for Epel and Lilia

Anon asked: Hello! Welcome to the fandom! I look forward to your future writing. Can I get some boyfriend headcanon for Epel and Lilia? Thank you!

Thanks, I've kept the format of my first post so I hope it's what you expected!

A small digression to thank you all for the +100 followers! I don't understand how so many people would want to read what I write lol Thank you to everyone who commented or sent messages of encouragement, it touches me deeply.

Epel Felmier

Like loads of people, when you first saw Epel, you thought he was just another pretty boy.

It was at the welcome party for Pomefiore’s new students that you changed your mind.

You heard him fuming over the fact that he wanted to be a Savanaclaw, saw him get reprimanded for his table manners and noticed the way he really seemed out of place, all of this convinced you that he wasn't just another narcissist.

You made a point to become his friend, not out of pity but out of admiration. He was a person with many hidden talents who was able to put up with an environment he despised.

It is true that you were also looking for a type of personality different from the one who invaded Pomefiore like ivy.

One evening, while you were reading in the living room, the incessant chatter of your classmates forced you to leave the room. At least that's what you would've done if you hadn't seen Epel trapped by three other people.

They were talking together about how Epel was a model of elegance and that some people should follow his example. Their discussion was one-sided, judging by the expression of embarrassment that covered Epel's face like a veil.

You made it your duty to get him out of this situation.

You approached the small group, interrupted them and then took your sweetest voice to apologize to these gentlemen because you had to work on a project with Epel.

Of course, they didn’t express any objection and let the two of you go away after a final praise.

Epel showered you with thanks and even asked you if there was any way he could repay you.

« I mean… I wasn’t lying when I said I had a project to work on. »

You don’t feel any shame for asking him that, since as a result the ice broke between you and him.

None of you was close with the other students of your dorm so you spent most of your free time together.

Step by step you discovered Epel’s inner fire, and it was hot pun intended

In spite of his shyness, he could be quite responsive and outspoken when the situation was too much.

He began to open up and talked to you about his insecurities. Specifically, about his own body.

You understood that what was for Pomefiore an asset, was for Savanaclaw a drawback. All the praise was nothing when his own body was telling him he hadn't the capacities.

But some things can't change, so he focused on his magical abilities more than anything else.

It was hard for you to find the right words, but you assumed that sometimes you just need someone to listen to you. You took his hand.

Nothing was really the same after that, from this point there was an unspoken intimacy you two shared.

You held hands and hugged easily. Epel became something more than a friend, he felt closer and soon there was no more words needed for you to understand him. In fact, it felt natural to know.

One evening, while some festivities were taking place in the dormitory, you two apologized and went for a walk in the gardens.

You were chatting on a bench enjoying the coolness of the night. Until a comfortable silence settled between the two of you, and Epel turned to you.

Out of the blue he decided that kissing you was a good idea. yes it fricking was

If you ignore the fact that he withdrew as quickly as he moved forward or the fact that you were so shocked that you almost lost the ability to think properly, it all went pretty well.

The new physical intimacy that came with that kiss was unknown to anyone because of how discreet you were in your pda

He starded to give your little presents more often : carved apple, homemade food and even bouquets if that’s what you like (doesn’t know how to romance but he's not gonna admit defeat let me tell you).

He'd take you flying on his broomstick, he isn’t allowed? Who cares ! For once he can break the rules.

He would use you as an excuse to get away from Pomefiore student, « sorry but my love is waiting » he would said in a polite but slightly smug way

You'd discuss ways to make Pomefiore's uniforms more cool and what should change in the dorm. It would happen most of the time after Vil made a comment that Epel didn’t like.

Kisses in the library between the bookshelves, kisses in the garden, kisses everywhere when no one is around.

The kisses with Epel are such a soft thing, his hair would tickle your face and his hands would slide slowly up to your elbows to cup them.

When the kiss would end, you'd stand a few inches apart and notice the beauty of his eyelashes as his breath would caress your face.

Lilia Vanrouge

It was a hard thing not to notice the strange character that was Lilia Vanrouge.

He could hear your discussions from across the hall, spoke in an archaic way and appeared before you without you seeing him coming.

Actually, that's how you first met him. You were looking for a book in the library and he appeared in your field of vision, the wanted book in his hands.

He introduced himself, asked if you were looking for this book in particular and disapeared after giving it. He literally disapeared. You blinked once and paf ! You were alone.

You understood that what happened wasn’t a dream when he actually called you by your name in potions and asked you to be his partner.

In the first place, you were quite astonished. From what the rumors said Lilia was old, like so-old-I-should-be-dead years old, which means that he is knowleadgeable. Although you surely were not the last in your class, you still didn’t reach his level.

Your regular partner was absent, so you had no reason to say no.

It was difficult to know if he was good or bad at potions because he could propose an ideal solution and then he would assume that « perphaps if we add that  the result would be better » (spoilers, it didn’t work but at least the final result didn’t change too much)

Since, he continued to appear unexpectedly next to you, only to disappear the minute you looked away. It was entertaining so you didn’t mind.

 « Good evening. I was wondering...is the answer to question number 15 « the heart of a legendary beast »? 

Yes, it is…Hey Lilia, as you can see I’m on cleaning duty and it would be nice if you could h-

Thank you very much, it is always a pleasure to discuss with you » and he disapeared the basta-

You would soon start to have tea together, it kind of happened naturally. He asked you once and the invitations never stopped.

At least that's what you would have wished for.

You didn’t get any explanations, from one day to the next he stopped talking to you. There was no more funny stories over tea, no more surprise appearances, not even a glance at you.

Three weeks, three weeks of being ignored. Who can blame you if you were mad at him ?

His absence made you realize many things, the first being how much he had become an essential part of your daily life. It was strange not to talk to him anymore, there was a kind of mourning inside you when you were seeing him, as if he was the ghost of a loved one.

Then, you got a letter from one of your roommates. Because apparently, Mr. Vanrouge didn't have the guts to give it in person.

You've never read such a letter from Lilia before. It was short, to the point and didn't even have a cheap joke as usual. It was for the better, you couldn't bear it if he had acted like nothing happened.

He didn't look up at you when you came to sit in front of him. You waited for him to make the first move.

« Look, I think you're aware that my appearance doesn't match my real age. This kind of advantage is not without a price, I have loved and suffered a lot because no matter what I do ,the end remains the same. Even today, in my darkest moments, I wonder if love is worth if, in the end, I find myself carrying such pain. Some of my loved ones have told me that when they find themselves on the brink of the grave, no matter how much pain our relationship has brought them, they will have no regrets. And it is to honour the memory of those people whose voices I have forgotten that I come to talk to you. What we have between us at the moment may just be a passing infatuation, but I know too well where it's going to lead us. That’s why before we go too far, I need to see your point of view on love. For me, love isn't easy, it's not constant happiness that solves all your problems. It's a complex thing that can pull you down as well as up… I’ve been a bit dramatic on the edges but you need to understand that even if loads of relationships don’t last till the end of a life, ours is bound to be harder. »

You were puzzled. This Lilia was different from the one you learned to know, he was dead serious and his saddened look made you feel a little bit ashamed that you didn’t think about how he felt.

« As you said, loads of relationships don’t last till the end and it’s fine. We don’t need to rush things and we don’t need to think about our future for now. It sounds reckless but to answer what you said : yes, it is worth it. »

You never thought you'd start your relationship with Lilia this way but, oh well here you go.

Everything was the same as before but better. He still appeared where you least expected it but now he hugged you from behind which almost gave you a heart attack multiple times.

Lilia loves passionately. He gives without expecting anything in return and has no reserve with his feelings. He is candid, not hesitating to say what is wrong as well as what is right.

It’s hard to be bored with him. He has always an idea to entertain you or something to tell.

He's quite reserved when it comes to kissing, it's a little dated but for him it's more decent to do it within four walls.

But once in private, that's a different story.

His lips would run through yours, he would take the lead and hold you close to him, it's impossible not to be out of breath after his kisses.

There's a melancholy running through you that you can't explain when he embraces you. It makes you feel small in the face of Lilia's longevity. You can almost feel the dust of those former loves on your fingertips, and one day you’ll be one of them. And Lilia will remember you, because there are some things you can’t forget entirely.

[strwberrytae]

So Long, Farewell, and Goodbye For Now -

“I don’t know how you are so familiar to me—or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before—in another time, a different place, some other existence.”     - Lang Leav

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Hello, You ♡ Yes, You. You ethereal, beautiful being. I am writing to you with bittersweet yet wonderful news - depending on the perspective. I am writing this post to inform all of you that I will no longer be writing for this blog for the foreseeable future. What I mean by that is that I am not giving up writing forever, no. But my life has changed so much over the last two years, I do not see myself writing again for quite some time. But don’t worry! I will be back!

Below the Read More section, I have poured my heart and soul into the real reasons why I’ve made this decision. I warn you, it’s lengthy but it’s everything that has led up to this over the years. So, if you fancy, have a read. If not, I bid you farewell and wish you all the happiness in the world. Thank you for supporting me so far. I truly appreciate it and love you all very dearly. Now, if you wish to read it at a later time, I will have a link available on my page at all times for anyone who is curious. It’s a hell of a story if you ask me ~

Edit: Made by Me - also, a surprise photo at the end Warnings/Triggers: Talks of emotional abuse, depression, and suicide but also happiness and love -

When I first started this blog, it was 2016. I had been on Tumblr for over a decade now but BTS led me to writing passionately for 2 years. I was incredibly active and utterly consumed by this website. Not just for the writing, but I was so obsessed because of my friends and mutuals that I made along the way. Can I just say that I’ve met some incredible people on this platform - including my best friend and soulmate? Truthfully, the absolute best friend I have ever had. But more importantly, Tumblr was my greatest escape. I mean this website truly has been my saving grace through very dark times.

In that part of my life, I was in an extremely toxic relationship; by then, it was 6 years I was with him. He was emotionally abusive, had such a short-fuse temper, hated everyone I knew which led me never really seeing any of my friends after college, knew I was anorexic and did nothing to stop me, knew I had depression since we started dating and always argued it as if it wasn’t real, crushed my dreams and ambitions, mocked potential suicide attempts, expected me to just abandon all hope to ever leave home to explore someplace new or get a job that I actually love. He was...just the worst. Never hit me though, so I’m grateful for that. But sometimes I wish he would so it would have given me the voice I needed to get out of that relationship much sooner than I did. But regardless, because of him plus having a soul-sucking job that wore me down to the core, Tumblr was my escape. BTS was my escape.

I fell hard and I fell deep. I created a fantasy world within this world. All of my dreams, fantasies, desires, and hopes were poured into my writing. My imagination was running wild. My activity was through the roof because I was always on here day in and out, just pretending like the outside world didn’t exist. It consumed me...but I needed it. Looking back, it was pretty excessive. At the time, I seemed perfectly normal because everyone else was just as active and saying the same things and doing the same things. I felt a belonging, like I fit in.

But I hated the person I became. It took me getting yelled at, mocked, ridiculed, and belittled by my ex to snap me out of that illusion I built and back into reality. That was the roughest night that we had filled with lots of screaming on his end and crying on my part. He thought my obsession was sick. He thought it was disgusting. It all started because he found fake texts I had made with Jimin and Tae. Don’t recall the story it was a part of but he thought they were texts with the actual members… In my eyes, I should get credit for making them look so legit but he didn’t see it that way. He thought fangirling over men was essentially cheating. No matter how hard I tried to explain, he didn’t understand. But a part of his view was right. I learned that I was a bit too much into it and I really needed to take a step back from Tumblr for a while. So I did. I deactivated my account and disappeared for months. Also because he made me and threatened our relationship if I didn’t. Should have taken the out but ah well.

Just two months prior to this incident, I attempted suicide. Well, contemplated. Everything was planned out. Bought a hotel room for Thanksgiving night as I was working a super late shift until about 1-2am. My commute home was an hour long and I still had to come back to work at 7am. So I got a room. Brought a large amount of pills with me and I was going to call it. No notes written to friends, family, or loved ones. Nothing. I was done. Didn’t think anyone would miss me. I just figured the world would keep turning without me. I had thought about doing this several times before but this was my first time making plans for it. It was my lowest of the low. But then I met someone that night that changed my life entirely just in a 10 minute interaction of talking - nothing special. We’ll get to that later. But this person just gave me hope and to this day, I still can’t explain it. It was euphoric. I felt clarity. It was in that night that I thought I might hold out just a little bit longer.

And thus @strwberrytae was born - but it was far from the same. At first, I restarted the blog in secret. Why would I do this? Why would a 25 year old open a blog in secret? Well, two months after the awful fight, my ex proposed to me and I said yes. I know. Believe me, I know. I was scared. My depression was getting worse again. I no longer had an escape except for books. All I did was read so I had some sort of reality to be in besides my own. But returning to a brand new blog did not give the same satisfaction as returning to an old blog.

I worked so hard on my first blog and this redo, I tried to consider it as a gift. Perhaps this was a chance to start anew and rebrand myself. This optimism kept up for quite some time. Slowly, I added my favorite past works then added some new chapters. If you’ve been here with me since 2017, you would know that my appearance on Tumblr was still not the same. Then I got married in October.

An empty, loveless marriage that I regret to this day. Needless to say, my writing and activity on Tumblr was still practically non-existent as I was still too scared of getting caught. Even though he finally gave me permission to use it again because he could tell how miserable it was making me. Yes, gave me permission. Thankfully, it all ended after a year. I finally went to a therapist even though I hated them so much and all past therapists I had. She was pretty great. Within five sessions, I summoned the courage to break up with this guy. I was finally set free. Nearly 9 years together and I finally felt like I could breathe.

Unfortunately, although I was free, I had to live with the guy for about 5 months after the breakup. Which was beyond rough, believe me. Imagine someone writhing in pain and bawling their eyes out and venting non-stop about all of their faults and wrongdoings every single day. At the end of the day, as shitty as he was to me, he was my best friend too. We went through a lot of shit together and he did have some good sides to him too. So witnessing this was horrendous. Needless to say, I wasn’t getting much privacy either. Writing was not my top priority. Now it’s 2019 and things changed drastically for the better - and worst.

Remember the person I met in 2016 on Thanksgiving night? Well, that person is someone I crushed on every since that night. For 2 years. People, I’m telling you. He did absolutely nothing special that night. He didn’t flirt with me. He didn’t check me out. He didn’t do anything remotely to make a girl swoon but I was so drawn to him. The only word that could describe it was “cosmic” - beautifully cosmic. 

Well in January 2019, 2 months following my break up, he came into my store one day. And my god did he look incredible. He was dressed head to toe in black - a fitted black suit at that. He even wore this long, designer jacket to match. Hair shaved on the sides with beautiful, thick dark hair on top. So tall - 182cm. A smile that could kill; quite literally. The canines are on point. He looked like a five course meal. That day, he definitely flirted with me. By the end of the week, we had our first date. Sadly, I also lost my job in the same week and was unemployed for a year because no one would hire me. I was laid off and one of my seniors took my job. Of course, they needed to keep me around for the holidays and then give me the boot. I was devastated. I hated that job so much as it only aided in fueling my depression but losing it was definitely an amazing thing. And! I survived on my savings and definitely didn’t spend my time writing. I had life to sort out last year - like from the ground up. No worries though. I got a job in February 2020 and I love it, so it’s all good, baby. Now I’m in the health field and feel like I’m actually helping people, which I love.

Now, here we are 2 years later and I’m engaged to the man.  Someone who makes me smile everyday, believes in me, encourages me, let’s me be 100% myself, travels with me, taught me how to love myself, taught me to accept my body, gets me on a level that only my best friend could, and someone who goes above and beyond every single day to show me how much he loves me. Bonus, he welcomes my love for BTS with open arms, reads my writing, AND has even been sucked in himself to the fandom. Jungkook and Jimin, look out. You got another fanboy. I thought true love was impossible for me but I was very, very wrong.

He has shown me that I can be happy and I have finally experienced true happiness. When people ask how I’m doing, I don’t cringe and lie through my teeth. I smile and say that I am doing well because by George, I am. Everyone around me has seen me over the last two years and made the comment, “you look so much happier”. They meet him and swoon just as much as I do. Is he perfect? No, he’s not. He has flaws just like everyone else but he actually grows and learns from his mistakes to better himself. That’s what amazes me the most. Even if we argue, which is seldom, he refuses to let it go without resolution so we can always fix whatever the issue is. As we like to call it, we’re in-sync. In everything, we’re always so in-sync. I’m wildly in love, my dudes.

So, why am I not writing anymore? To put it simply, I’m happy and don’t really feel the desire to write anymore - at least not fanfiction. Even when I was super young, like elementary school, I used writing as an outlet for my dark escape. I wrote poetry primarily and by middle school, it turned to fanfiction for Supernatural, Simple Plan, and Panic! At The Disco. Along with a very long list of other bands and shows but anyways. I’ve been severely depressed since I was 15 and fanfiction put me in this hole that I couldn’t get out of. I relied on this method to help me get through all the bad shit I was dealing with. It was my coping mechanism.

Now? While depression never truly goes away as the lovely disease that it is, I am genuinely happy. Because of this, when I opened all of my past works and works in progress, I felt nothing but guilt. Guilt for not keeping up with my chapters or keeping my account active. I felt dread to have to escape in this world that I had created. I felt no joy or excitement. It was the strangest feeling that happened all in a matter of seconds. Thus leading to my final decision to take a step away from writing. Do I still love it? Absolutely. But now I think I’m going to re-route and focus my writing on what I love - reality. I’m going to get back into journaling and write essays about love and beauty as I’ve always loved to do. But for escaping into a fantasy world? I don’t know when I’ll be back.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “But you can write and be happy!” Nah fam. Writing has been my aid through dark times and now I mostly associate it with those dark times. And for once in my life, I feel this desire to enjoy reality and remain in it - with the exception of journaling here and there. Even daydreaming is difficult. It’s strange. I love my reality. This sounds like gloating now but it’s truly a remarkable feeling. When you’ve been battling depression for 15 years, it feels really freaking nice to say that I’m happy.

So that’s why I’m taking a break - in a very long, drawn out way. But my hope was that after this long story, you might understand truly why I am doing this. It would have been easier to just say that writing doesn’t bring me joy anymore but I feel that I owe more than that; especially because I really don’t know if I’ll write for this blog ever again. The last time I took a break, I disappeared without being able to explain myself and I wanted to do so now that I have the chance.

Ultimately, thank you to everyone who has stuck by me over the years. It’s truly been one hell of a rollercoaster. The friends I’ve made on here have seen me at my lowest of the lows. But hey! I’ll still be around. I just won’t be publishing or continuing any of my works anywhere in the near future. Seriously though. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. This website has helped me tremendously and I’ll never forget it. Besides, there’s lots of other exciting things happening in my life now so you’ll certainly see me pop in here and there to talk about it ♡

If you wish, you can message me for questions or anything you want to know. I’m an open book - at least about most things hehe. And don’t worry. I still very much love Taehyung and still wildly obsessing over how marvelous he is. Umf.

(here’s some recent photos of me as i rarely take selfies anymore haha. and a derp photo of me and the man i love >_< why is the cutest photo of him with the worst photo of me? still cute though hehe)

[bangtan-sonyeonddaeng]

BTS Reaction: You are their celebrity crush and they meet you backstage

Namjoon

Namjoon had seen you post on your social media that you were going to be attending their concert tonight. He had never felt so nervous performing up on stage before. And you were in the front row too. He saw you every time he walked to the right side of the stage and he felt his heart flutter slightly in his chest every time the two of your eyes met. Especially when your face broke out into a wide grin every time. You even waved and winked at him and he almost forgot the words to the song he was singing. 

It’s now after the show and Namjoon is sitting in the chair letting the staff take off all his makeup when Jin bursts through the door. 

“Jin? What are you doing?”

“Thank me later Namjoon!” He rushes back out and a few moments later after the staff is done fussing over him he goes to leave. When he opens the door he sees you standing there, shyly fidgeting with your hands. 

“Y-y/n?!”

“Hi! Um, Jin gave me a backstage pass he said you wanted to meet me? Although I must admit I have no idea why.” 

“Because he has a big fat crush on you that’s why!” Jin yells from down the hall. 

“Oh my god I am going to kill him.” Namjoon pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs heavily. When he finally looks up he sees surprise evident on your features. 

“You have a crush on me? Oh if my bandmates were here to witness this they would be freaking out because literally all I talk about with them is how you are my biggest celebrity crush. I have your photo card in the back of my phone, look!” You bring your phone out to show him and sure enough he’s looking right at himself. He can’t help the chuckle that escapes him. 

“I guess maybe I can let Jin live another day then. Listen I know it’s late and everything but we usually get something to eat after the show. Would you like to come to dinner with me? I’d let to get to know you. The real you. Not just the celebrity y/n.” You blush and smile at that. 

“I’d really like that.”

Jin

Big Hit had decided to do something a little bit different for this concert than they had for ones in the past. Certain ticket numbers were also given a backstage pass to see how they prepare for the shows, take a tour of everything behind the scenes, and then at the end of this they would get to meet the members before they had to get ready to go on stage. Jin knew by now they would soon be walking to the room where they all sit to calm their nerves before the show started. So he decided to plop himself down on the couch as a surprise for the army that would be coming there shortly.

He heard voices in the hallway approaching the door which was soon followed by yells of surprise when they saw him sitting casually on the couch. 

“Jin! You are supposed to be getting your hair and makeup done what are you doing back here?”

“It’s done already. It doesn’t take very long for this handsome face.” He hears a giggle that is all too familiar to him and his gaze snaps to the left to find you, his celebrity crush for the past 6 month standing there. 

“Y-you’re y/n!” 

“Indeed I am. And you’re Jin.” 

“What are you doing here?!”

“It just so happened one of my tickets was the lucky one that got the back stage tour. And who gets to meet the other members too.” The other fans are glancing between the two of you and Jin decides to pull himself together long enough to speak to you like a normal human being. 

“Well, that’s great then. I guess I will get to meet you officially shortly then.” He waves at all of the other fans and they are beginning to file out of the room and continue on with the tour. You are the last one to leave but before you can make it too far out the door Jin lightly places his hand on your shoulder and pulls you back into the room. 

“Hey! Jin what are you doing? Let me go I need to stay with the group!”

“No please wait a minute I just.. Okay gosh I was not expecting this but now that you’re here I just have to take the opportunity to tell you something.”

“Okay? What’s up?”

“This is going to sound really stupid, or weird, I don’t know. But I have been really crushing on you for the past months and I just wanted to know if there is a chance you would maybe go on a date with me?” He says everything in a rush and you almost think you misheard what he said. 

“I’m sorry? Did you just ask me on a date?”

“Yes.. I did.. You don’t have to say yes though you can shut me down it’s alright. My pride might hurt a little bit, but nothing is ever gained in life without a few risks right?” You can see the tips of his ears turning red in slight embarrassment and nervousness as he confesses to you. 

“So, let me get this straight. You, Kim Seokjin, The guy I have had the biggest celebrity crush on for the past year or so is asking me on a date?”

“Yes?”

“I accept.” 

“Good. When are you free?”

“Tomorrow? Evening? Say around 7?”

“Wanna do dinner?”

“Sounds perfect.”

“Good glad we had this talk.” You both look at each other in silence for a few moments before you both burst out laughing. 

“I better get going, before they assume I’ve snuck off and done something to you. Give me your phone I’ll give you my number.” He does and you text yourself so you both have each other’s number. “I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah, see you.” He smiles at you and brings your hand up to his lips to kiss the back of it. You blush and pull your hand away before scurrying out the door to catch up with the others. “She’s so cute, oh gosh! What am I going to do with myself?” 

Yoongi

Yoongi was backstage talking to Hoseok. They were walking down the hallway heading towards the dressing rooms to get ready for their performance. 

“Yoongi I don’t see why you don’t just talk to y/n. She’s here right now, backstage somewhere I am sure. This could be your big chance to make a move!”

“Move? What move? The only move I will be making is hastily towards the exit if I see her.”

“But why? You’ve been crushing on her for such a long time now! You listen to her music all the time and just look sad or absolutely smitten. Come on she probably has a little celebrity crush on you too. Every time she has described her ideal type it’s almost been an exact match to you.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Did you not listen to her last interview? She described you to a T. Doesn’t outwardly show affection but loves to show they care and love someone by how they take care of them. Loves holding hands, a bit intimidating but really is just a big softie, good sense of humor. That’s you.”

“She doesn't even know me Hoseok. And I don’t really know her either. I just know that she's very talented, we have similar taste in music, and she’s very kind, and sweet, and funny, and passionate, and-”

“S M I T T E N.” Yoongi pushes him backwards playfully, not realizing you were walking fairly close behind them until he was pushed right into you. You yelp and almost fall over but Yoongi quickly turns around and grabs you to pull you back up before you could fall. He didn’t notice it was you at first because he was looking away in embarrassment. 

“I’m so sorry I didn’t know you were behind us or I never would have- wait a minute.. Y/n?!”

“Um.. Hi Yoongi.” 

“Oh god did you hear our conversation?”

“I might have... I didn’t mean to eavesdrop I swear! But I had to head back here and I heard my name mentioned and I just couldn’t help it.. okay I totally meant to eavesdrop I was curious.”

“I am so embarrassed this is awful.” He groans into his hands as they cover his face.

“Why are you embarrassed? Hoseok is right you know.” He drops his hands immediately and his eyes widen.

“Wait, seriously? You were thinking about me when you answered that question?”

“I was.. Sorry if that’s a little weird I know we don’t know each other but.. the glimpses I see of the real you and not just the stage persona well, I really like who that person is.” Yoongi can’t help the smile that spreads across his face as he smiles at you.

“Well we could get to know each other better? You want to meet up after the award show?”

“I’d love to!”

Hoseok

Hoseok was walking back stage with Jungkook when he saw you wandering around looking lost. 

“Hyung! Now’s your chance go talk to her!”

“Jungkook I can’t do that I’m too nervous! She’s just so cute look at her.”

“But she’s lost. And by the looks of it she’s coming this way now go!” He shoves him forward and Hoseok loses his footing almost running right into you. 

“Uhm.. Hello I’m y/n. I am kind of lost, I was supposed to find dressing room E but I seem to have made a wrong turn somewhere.” You grin sheepishly and twirl your hair around your fingers, a nervous habit that Hoseok had noticed when you were talking up on stage earlier to accept your groups award. 

“I’m Hoseok! But you can call me Hobi. And I know right where that is, I’ll take you there.”

“Oh no you don’t have to do that if you just point me the right way! I am sure you are very busy preparing for your stage performance too.” 

“It’s no trouble. Believe me. I’m heading back that way anyway because it’s pretty close to our room.” He sees a faint blush on your cheeks as you smile at him. 

“Thank you!” Hoseok walks much slower than usual in order to spend more time talking with you. He can’t help it. You’re just so adorable and sweet. And it’s when you laugh loudly at something that he says that he finally has the courage to ask you out. 

“So, um... I know this might sound kind of weird but I might have a small crush on you. And I was wondering if maybe after the show if you wanted to come with me to get something to eat? There is a restaurant that not many people know about so we wouldn’t have to worry about being seen.”  You stare at him for a moment in shock.

“Is this actually happening right now? Oh my gosh I have had a big old crush on you too and I never in a million years thought you would want to go out with me. But yes! I’d love to!”

“Okay. I’ll meet you back here after the show then. Good luck y/n!”

“You too, Hobi. Fighting!”

Jimin

“Hey Jimin! Isn’t that y/n?” 

“What where?!” Jimin turns around and glances around the room, only to see there is no one in the room but him and the other members. “Ha ha very funny you guys.” 

“You’ve been on edge all night Jimin. And this is our dressing room why would y/n be in here?”

“I don’t know okay! I just know that her group is here which means she is around here somewhere and I am so nervous to run into her.”

“Aww, Jimin! Your crush on her is adorable.”

“No it’s not. I like someone that doesn’t even know I exist.” He slumps in his chair and Jungkook lets out an incredulous huff.

“Seriously hyung? Y/n knows who you are trust me. I don’t think there is anyone at this award show that doesn’t know who you are.” 

“But she doesn’t know the real me, only the stage persona. I want her to know who I am. And I want to know her too..” He rests his head back and stares up at the ceiling when suddenly the door to their room is opening and who should be standing there but you.

“Oh god I am so sorry! I thought this was my dressing room I am such an idiot. Why did they number the doors instead of putting the bands’ names on there.”  You go to close the door when Jungkook calls out after you.

“Wait! Hey, you’re y/n right?” You blush and look away. 

“Y-you guys know me?”

“Of course! We know all the groups here tonight. You’re really good. Your vocals and dancing absolutely kill poor Jiminie here every time.” He smacks a hand on Jimin’s shoulder and he quickly shrugs it off.

“Shut up Jungkook!”

“Oh yes our Jimin here is a huuuuge fan of you he talks about you all the time!” Jimin’s face is bright red as he hides his face in his hands and you are standing there in shock. 

“Is that true, Jimin? You’re my fan?” He lowers his hands for a moment and immediately feels his nerves vanish when he sees the sweet smile on your face.

“Yes! I mean I think you’re amazing er your dancing is amazing yes.” 

“That’s so cool to hear coming from you. I really like you too- I mean your dancing! I really like your dancing as well.” 

Taehyung chuckles deeply from the other end of the room where he’s sat in a chair getting his makeup touched up. 

“Jimin just ask y/n out already this is painful you both clearly are crushing on each other.” 

“Tae!”

“What? You were never going to say anything so I did!”  They begin bickering back and forth as you stand there awkwardly listening to them argue. You clear your throat loudly and they stop and turn to you.

“So... I guess if it’s pretty clear we both would like to go out and get to know each other better why don’t we do that then?” Jimin is surprised by your boldness when you seemed so shy earlier. “You want to maybe to get some dessert or something after the show? There’s an ice cream place I know of that’s open really late if you’d like to go with me.”

“Yes! I’d love to!” You smile and wave goodbye to everyone. 

“I’ll see you after the show then, Jimin. Bye for now!” You smile sweetly and wave and Jimin is left there with his mouth hanging open slightly in surprise and his hand still raised. 

“You’re welcome.” Taehyung mumbles.

Taehyung

You were currently being shoved along by your fellow group member toward where BTS was sitting. It was in between the sets currently and the cameras were not rolling for a while as there was going to be a commercial break while they prepared for the second half of the award show. 

“Stop it!”

“No! You’ve been crushing on Taehyung for so long now and there is no one sitting by him right now so I am not letting you pass this opportunity.” You roll your eyes and try to fight against her but she’s stronger than you. She continues pushing you along until you are about 10 seats way from him. Taehyung sees movement out of the corner of his eye and turns his head. As soon as his eyes meet yours they widen slightly and he looks away. 

“See? He wants nothing to do with me let me go!” 

“Not happening. Go get your man.” With one final shove you are now standing right in front of him. He looks up at you and you feel like the wind is knocked out of you when that signature sweet boxy smile is directed at you. 

“H-Hi Taehyung.” 

“Hello y/n. Are you and your member fighting?” 

“That? Oh no we just had a um.. disagreement I guess. We’re not seriously mad at each other though.”

“Ah, I see. I was going to say you’re more than welcome to sit with me for a little while if you want to. Show shouldn’t be starting again for another 10 minutes.” You nod gratefully and sit next to him. Taehyung might seem cool and collected on the outside, but inside he is internally panicking because holy shit he is actually talking to his celebrity crush right now. He is still in the middle of his mini freak out and admiring how beautiful you look when he notices you staring at him as if you’re expecting him to answer. 

“Sorry! Did you say something?” You giggle. 

“You space out an awful lot Taehyung. I asked you if you’re nervous at all for your performance tonight.” 

“Of course I am. We always have a little bit of anxious and excited nerves before going on stage. But we have some big stuff planned and I can’t wait to show army and everyone else! It’s going to be really cool.” 

“Ah I can’t wait to see it. Your performances always blow me away.”

“Really?”

“Of course! You guys are all so amazing. You’re extremely talented and I admire you a lot.” Taehyung smiles genuinely at that and his eyes seem to light up at your compliment. 

“Thank you. It means a lot to hear that coming from you.” Before you’re able to ask him what he means by that your bandmate is yelling for you.

“Y/n! They changed the order we’re performing next after they present the next award we need to go!”

“Shit. I’m sorry Taehyung I need to go now. Thank you for letting me sit with you though.” You get up to walk away but before you make it too far you hear him calling after you. 

“Wait!” You turn around abruptly and he almost runs right into you.

“Can I get your number?”

“You want my phone number? Why?”

“To talk to you more, silly.” You blush but take his phone from him and enter in your contact information. “Good luck y/n. Not that you’ll need it.” He winks at you and you swear your soul has left your body. 

“T-thank you!” You run to join your group back stage. While you’re being fussed over to prepare for your performance your phone goes off with a text message. It’s a selfie of Taehyung doing his signature V pose with a bright smile on his face. 

You’ll do great y/n! I believe in you! I’ll be cheering you on loudly from the seats so please look for me. 

You smile and set your phone down. As if you’d be looking for anyone else. 

Jungkook

Your table was right next to Jungkook’s. And you had caught him staring at you more than once during the show. He seemed to be zoned out, mouth slightly hanging open and eyes wide as he gazed at you but as soon as you turned your head and looked back at him he immediately turned away. And you could swear there was a faint blush on his cheeks when he did. After the 3rd time this had happened you saw Jin slap him on the back and say something that caused him to turn even more red and push Jin away from him. 

“Fine then if you won’t talk to her I will.”

“Hyung no don’t-”

“Hey! Y/n, come here for a sec.” You point at yourself and tilt your head in confusion. 

“Are there any other y/n’s around here?”

“Probably but I am just going to assume you are talking about me.” You get up and slide your chair over to sit next to Jungkook, who seems to shy away from you and sit closer to Jin. “So what’s up?”

“Nothing really! Just wanted to tell you that you did an amazing job up on stage before! Your rap was amazing you really commanded the stage up there.”

“Oh! Thank you! I can’t wait to see your performance as well you guys always kill it.” 

“Well, I think you’ll especially love Jungkook’s performance here.” 

“Oh? Really? What do you have planned?” 

“N-nothing! I mean.. it’s something I just don’t want to spoil the surprise but, it’s just me doing a solo dance to a remixed version of Save Me. Um, there’s water and it’s really cool. I had a lot of fun practicing for it and I can’t wait to show people.” Jungkook seemed to have really opened up when talking about performing, and you could tell he was truly passionate about it.

“I’m sure it’ll be amazing then. You’re a really good dancer and an amazing singer. Your voice gives me chills.” You pretend to shiver for added dramatic effect and a small laugh escapes Jungkook. His nose scrunches up and you have a sudden urge to poke it. 

“Ah you should have heard him going on and on during rehearsals. ‘I need to make this perfect because y/n will be attending this show.’ It was rather cute to be honest.” 

“Hyung! Stop it!” 

“Is that true Jungkook? You were worried what I would think of it?” He looks at you, eyes widened slightly but he nods his head before looking down at his lap and fidgeting with his hands. 

“Well I already think you’re great so I am sure I will love this performance too.” He continues to mess with the rings on his hands as if he’s debating whether or not he should say anything further. You wait patiently and give him time to decide whether or not he wants to speak to you further. 

“Well, I’d really like to know what you think of my performance after the show. Do you maybe want to talk more when we’re done?” You smile warmly at him and it makes his heart skip a beat.

“I would love to. You maybe want to go get some hot chocolate or something? My friend owns a 24/7 cafe and if I tell her we all want to go there after the show she can close down for a little bit so we can just have the place to ourselves.”

“Actually I’d um.. like it to just be the two of us. If that’s okay with you! If not that’s totally fine I can-”

“Even better. I’ll tell her to expect us later today then. The cameras are going to go back on soon though so I’m going to go back to my table. But wait for me after the show okay?”

“Okay. I’ll see you later then y/n.” You scoot your chair back over. After you are out of hearing distance Jin smacks Jungkook's shoulder. 

“You’re welcome for setting you up on a date with the love of your life!”

“She’s not the love of my life I just.. have a crush on her.” 

“Either way, a thank you hyung would be nice.” Jungkook rolls his eyes. 

“Thank you, hyung.” 

[stillchaoticlogic]

Stumbling: Chapter 11

Pairing: Raihan X Reader X Leon

Your life hadn’t gone exactly as you planned…

This is why when an old rival walks into the coffee shop you work at he gives you an offer you just can’t refuse. Finally, a chance at the League. Suddenly you are thrust into the spotlight and a world you thought you had left behind. Dreams aren’t always what they are cracked up to be though, especially when you find yourself the tangled up with the champion and a certain gym leader.

Has all your dreams come true?

Or is this your worst nightmare?

Masterlist

Chapter 11: No Time to Lose

Blinking in annoyance at the light filtering through your window you huff as you roll over trying to escape it. You spent the majority of the night thinking about Leon and Raihan’s confession to you. At first, there was an acute thrill up your spine at the prospect of their feelings for you, however as the night wore on a sense of dread began to encompass your entire being. What are you going to do?

With a groan, you sit up in bed and decide that you will be spending the next couple of days in town training and resting with Sonia and Nessa.

The common area of the suite Leon rented is still cast in early morning shadow, the peace yet to be disturbed. You make a quick breakfast for yourself and your Pokémon before you write a quick note to the duo and make your silent exit. You need time to process precisely what’s happening in your life. Besides, you aren’t going far and just maybe you’ll meet up with the girls for some girl time.

The walk to the pier is peaceful and the few that are out give you a friendly wave and continue on their way. You aren't overly surprised to see Sonia and Nessa on the beach clearly working on whatever research Sonia is doing.

“What are you doing here?” Sonia asks with a wave.

“Isn’t Kabu’s gym next? Shouldn’t you be heading back to Motostoke?” asks Nessa wiping sweat off her brow in the early morning sun. 

“I’m taking a few days to train. Plus I talked with Leon and Raihan yesterday…”

“About their feelings for you?” The duo choruses. 

You wince but nod your affirmation, “I just don’t know what to do! I’ve finally got my chance at the League and I’m being pursued by Pokémon thieves and now this! It’s just…. a lot…”

“Take a break then! Get your head on straight. Kabu will be there in a few days,” Nessa says her hands on her hips. 

“That’s what I’m doing… plus having a break from the guys to at least process everything is a good idea.”

“Totally agree!” Chirps Sonia, “You need some girl time! Although I will say this… you’ve got Lee messed up! I don’t think I’ve seen him like this since….”

“Since when?” You ask leaning forward and silently begging her with your eyes to tell you. 

“Since… he couldn’t find you a couple of years ago. He was pretty devastated… I think he had this idea that you ran off with someone and he missed his chance with you.”

“I just don’t understand why he didn’t tell me years ago…”

“We all grew up together and to him, you were this amazingly perfect person that wouldn’t see him like that… he had it bad when we were younger. Every time you won against him he was always somewhere between embarrassed he lost and proud you won. It was pretty cute…”

You sigh with a soft smile on your face as you reminisce about your time growing up together. 

“I adored him… when I heard he was coming back home for a bit I ran…”

“That’s why you disappeared!?” Sonia exclaims.

You nod without meeting her gaze, “I was embarrassed… he’s the champion… the greatest champion… and I thought of myself as a failure.”

“You’re not a failure…” she says taking a step towards you, heartbreak in her eyes and her hands clasped together under her chin.

“I know that now… but I wasn’t in a good place then… I’ve improved a lot.” 

When you meet her gaze there is a familiar determination in your eyes. She remembers that look well. She saw it on your face during every battle, every lesson and every training session. Sonia remembers you as a force of nature and now she needs to make sure you see yourself that way too. 

“I need to get to the finals for me… for my team… for everyone who believes in me… I don’t know what to do about them now… especially now that Raihan’s in the picture…”

“Oh yeah… Rai won’t give you up very easily. He likes you a lot and he always goes for what he wants. He’s friends with Leon, but obviously he likes you enough to go head to head with him. Don’t get me wrong, he’ll respect your decision whatever it is, but be prepared for him to show you how he feels. Plus you like him too don’t you?” Nessa asks with a sly smirk.

You blush and look away, “I thought he was just kidding this entire time…”

“That’s because you haven’t thought yourself worthy of love with everything that happened in your past. You are. He’s going to make sure you know that too.”

Nessa nods sagely at her conclusion before she gives you a soft look.

“He likes you for you, don’t doubt that.”

You nod with tears in your eyes unable to speak. You shake your head to rid yourself of the emotions threatening to overwhelm you. 

“Thanks, guys… I’m going to train for a bit… you tap a couple of poke balls on your belt and Nile, your handsome Vaporeon pops out along with Hades, your Deino, and Serenity, your Hatenna. 

“Is this the team for Kabu?” Sonia asks.

“You have a Vaporeon!?” Squeals Nessa. 

You laugh, “Yeah, I do! He’s going to do amazing! I just know it!” 

Nile preens under the attention and happily flicks his fin-like tail before he happily struts around showing off his form proudly. 

You wave as you jog down the beach, your pokemon following along behind you. Nile splashes in the ocean kicking up the water around him. Serenity bounces along behind you and Deino sniffs the air as he easily keeps up. The sound of the waves soothes your mind as you continue your jog and slowly you allow yourself to get lost in thought. You hit a small cove and let out a sigh. You sit in the sand and catch your breath before you start to train your team. The morning flies by and before you know it you are calling out the rest of your team and setting up to fix lunch. 

“You know you would think that after getting caught by yourself you would learn not to go off alone,” says a voice behind you.

You turn around and see a man standing on a rock overlooking the small cove. You get into a fighting stance summoning your pokemon to you. 

“I don’t need a babysitter. Who are you? What do you want?” You demand. 

The man is handsome in a devil may care kind of way. He has dark hair that falls into deep green eyes, he has a lean physique without being overly muscular. His stance is relaxed in his black ripped jeans and a black tee-shirt. 

“The names Aaron and I wanted to extend my invitation to you in person… I really wanted to meet you…” The way your name rolls off of his tongue is borderline seductive. 

“I don’t understand your interest in me…”

“You tamed a Deino in about five minutes flat. The team you’re raising already has much potential. You could do great things for our organization.”

“You mean you want me to train the pokemon you steal? Absolutely not.”

“Not all of them are stolen…” he says wistfully as he drops from the rock to the ground, his boots sinking into the sand. The light hiss beneath his feet as he approaches you inspires a sense of foreboding. 

“Some of them are bred for power, such as that Deino that you took from my subordinate.”

“Did you come here for him? Because I’m not letting you take him!”

“Such passion! No… consider him my gift to you. He needs someone who will mold him into the force that he’s meant to be. Besides, I know you’ll join me one day…”

“I will never join you!”

“I know you… I know what you’ve been through… You’ve faced fires that these children never have. Even the beloved champion will never understand you. You’ve changed too much from the little girl you once were.”

“You don’t know anything about me,” you spit at him.

“I was you… I was denied entry to the league. I was told I wasn’t good enough. And I proved them all wrong. I own Galar now,” he circles you like prey.

You glare at him, “I’m nothing like you. I would never take a pokemon from their owner or attack innocent people.”

“You don’t know what you’re capable of… You’ve already taken two pokemon that didn’t belong to you.”

“That was different!”

“Is it? What makes you different from us?” he asks as he tilts his head.  

Closing the distance between the two of you, he leans down until he’s just inches from you, his breath fanning your face. His eyes bore into yours and he smirks before he tilts his head almost innocently.

“Hmm?”

“Those pokemon were being mistreated.”

“So you have the right to take them?”

“They chose to be with me.”

“So you’re different?”

“I’m not like you if that’s what you mean.”

He smirks as he leans back, “Be looking for a present from me… One day you will make an excellent addition to my team. I’ll be unstoppable with you by my side,” his finger runs down your jaw and you jerk away from you.

“I don’t want your present, I don’t want to have anything to do with you,” your voice is like ice as you regard the man before you.

“Oh, you wound me…” he says with a chuckle as he holds his hand above his heart, “Play nice or you won’t get this little beauty back.”

He holds up a Pokeball and you glance down at your belt to notice that Davine’s Pokeball is gone.

“Give her back!” you yell, Serenity getting into position beside you.

“Make me, my darling,” he says with a smirk as he sends out a Hydreigon.

“How dare you! Serenity, no!” you yell as your tiny Hatenna rushes ahead of you, “Hades!”

“You think your little Hatenna and Deino can beat my Hydreigon? Think again darling! Dragon Rush!”

“Serenity! Hades! No!” You watch in horror as Serenity uses Deino’s head as a catapult as she jumps up into the air and releases her Disarming voice just as Hades unleashes a Dragon Breath. Neither attack does much damage and you grit your teeth in worry. You gasp as Nile rushes forward and attacks using his Aurora Beam. 

“Nile! Dodge!” you yelp as Hydreigon sends out a Dragon Pulse. He leaps out of the way in the nick of time as Serenity attacks with a Dazzling Gleam. One of Hydreigon’s heads bite down onto Serenity and you yell as she cries out as she’s thrown from the dragons’ mouth bouncing off of a rock before she falls to the ground. 

“Serenity! No!” You yell as you go to rush towards her. You’re thrown back and away landing hard on the sand. Axel and Arum leap towards you and stand protectively in front of you. 

“Such loyal pokemon you have… Impressive,” he says in a bored tone as he throws Davine’s Pokeball up and down in his hand. 

“Give her… back!” you demand as you sit up, coughing as you do so. 

He smirks, “You’re going to have to come get her…” he says as he turns to walk away.

Your eyes harden, “How dare you! You can’t just take her from me!” 

“If you’re too weak to protect your pokemon, you don’t deserve to keep them.”

“If it’s a fight you want…”

“Oh it is…” he purrs.

Your eyes narrow as you glare at him, “Fine,” you bite out as you stand up shakily. 

He tilts his head up as he regards you smugly, “There she is…”

“Hades! Go south! Axel, east side! Arum, west side! Nile, go north! You know what to do!”

Your pokemon scatter as Hades gets behind his future form and unleashes his attack as Axel nuzzles the dragon before he’s thrown back. Paralysis overtakes the beast slowing him down as Arum attacks from the side, she just barely escapes a body slam leaping up into the air and kicking the dragon hard. You gasp as a bright light encompasses your Steenee and when the light dims standing before you is Tsareena. 

“Arum… you evolved…” you say in surprise.

“How cute… You think you have a chance now? Think again! Hydreigon go! Body Slam!”

The dragon comes lumbering towards you, but before you are hit a bright light leaps in front of you and the dragon is thrown back as a powerful attack radiates from the light and when it clears Serenity has evolved into a Hattrem, a look of anger on her tiny face. 

“Such adoration… Do they know you’re going to fail?”

“I’m not going to fail. I refuse to fail anymore.” 

“Acid Armour, Nile! Then Aurora Beam! Dragon Breath! Hit him with your best shot! Axel, poison him! Arum, Stomp!”

“So ruthless…” he groans tilting his head back and stomping his foot before he fixes his almost heated gaze on you.

“You haven’t seen anything yet,” you growl at your opponent.

“Oh? Then show me…” he purrs.

Hydreigon roars as the attacks hit him all at once, Serenity unleashes another Dazzling Gleam. 

“Switch!” you yell and watch your pokemon easily rotate confusing the already damaged Hydreigon. He roars in anger and lashes out, hitting Axel again throwing the baby pokemon back. Serenity rushes towards him as Nile unleashes an attack to distract the dragon. She quickly heals him before standing protectively in front of the disoriented baby. The Hydreigon turns towards Nile and attempts to unleash another attack before Hades headbutts the pokemon to keep him distracted. He whips around and almost loses his balance before he rights himself. His large wings cause a burst of sand to assault the senses of Hades. Hydreigon unleashes a Dragon Pulse and catches Hades directly sending the much smaller dragon backward into the cliff behind him. 

“Hades!” you yell when he doesn’t get back up. Serenity attempts to get to her teammate but the Dragon whips around and with a well placed Dragon Tail knocks her back for a second time. 

“Serenity! Please get up!” Just as Hydreigon attempts to smash your partner, Arum rushes forward and snatches her out of the way, jumping to safety. You aren’t prepared for the battle cry Axel makes as a bright light engulfs his tiny frame. A smug smirk and a tilt of his head take the place of the pout your baby used to have. 

“Fascinating… They are evolving to save you… Look what I’ve done for you! Come with me now! I don’t think I can wait!” he practically sings as he gazes at your team. 

“They are my team and you have their sister and we aren’t resting until we have her back.”

He chuckles as he regards the pokemon before him with glee, “Such rage… I love it.”

You narrow your eyes, “Axel Venoshock! Take him out!”

With one final attack from your newly evolved Toxricity you watch as the dragon falls from the sky and lands with a crash. 

“You’ve evolved… Just like you’re pokemon… You will be my greatest ally. Just come with me, Darling. We could be great together!” He says his hands in the air before he beckons you towards him.

“I beat you,” you pant, “Now give her back.”

He chuckles but tosses the Pokeball at you as your team stands by your side, beaten and battered but still standing.

You stumble forward and catch the Pokeball, you release her and hold her close to you as tears threaten to fall. 

“Congratulations, you’ve passed. Expect your present soon my darling,” he winks and using two fingers blows you a kiss. 

“I’m not your darling and I don’t want anything from you,” you bite out.

“You’ll thank me later!” he calls over his shoulder as he walks away casually as if nothing just happened.

You collapse to the sand and a sob wracks your body. You feel helpless. Your pokemon gather around you as they attempt to comfort you the best they can.

“We have to get stronger,” you whisper, “we have to…”

Davine nuzzles against you with silent determination in her eyes. 

“I’m really proud of you all…” you gasp out between sobs, “So proud…”

They crowd around showing their support in any way they can. You really are proud of them, giving their all and evolving to fight against a force much more powerful than them. 

After you have reeled your emotions back in you stumble to your feet and make your way back towards town. You can hardly believe that you’ve met him, the man who runs the ring of thieves and he wants you. 

“What is happening…” you whisper as you gaze at the sky as tears threaten to fall once again. You’re in a daze as you stumble across the beach. 

Exhaustion overwhelms as you make your way towards the pokemon center. Once you’ve had your team healed you somehow make it back to the suite you are staying in with Leon and Raihan. The moment you walk into the room the guys leap up. 

Alarm goes through them at the sight of your shaky form. They rush towards you as you collapse into their arms. 

“What happened?”

“Who did this?!” 

“I met him…” you whisper.

“Met who?” asks Leon as he grasps your arms and holds you steady.

“The leader… he tried to take Davine… I almost didn’t beat him… I almost lost… She would have been gone…I would have failed…” you dissolve into sobs once again as Leon pulls you into a hug. 

Raihan paces before the two of you, his hands clenched into fists, he seems almost feral as he snarls out, “I’m going to kill him…”

“Rai…” you whimper, pulling away from Leon. 

He stops his pacing and he kneels before you, his hands grasping yours, “What is it, Princess?”

“Just be with me?” you ask quietly voice shaking with unshed tears. 

He looks heartbroken as he nods and gently pulls you into a hug. 

“Princess, can you tell us what happened?” Raihan mumbles into your hair. 

You heave a shaky breath and recount the events of your afternoon. You can feel Raihan shaking as he attempts to keep his rage in check. Leon is leaning forward, his cap covering his eyes as he sits dangerously still. 

“You don’t need to go off by yourself, someone needs to be with you at all times,” Leon growls as he gets up and begins to pace like a Pyroar. 

You look away and nod, tears in your eyes. 

“Hey, it’s going to be okay,” Raihan murmurs as he pulls you into him again. 

“I’m scared… I almost lost her. I’m not strong enough.”

“That’s what he wants you to think. He wants you to feel scared and helpless. You can’t give into him!” Insists Leon.

“Well…” you say standing up, “He succeeded.”

You walk from the living area into your temporary bedroom. Feelings that you’ve held at bay for months come crashing down on you as you feel yourself sink into the bed. This time tears don’t come as you lay there feeling nothing and everything all at once.

You feel the bed sink in next to you and a hand press against your arm. When you don’t shake him off he begins to run his hand up and down your arm soothingly. You bury your face into the pillow as you grasp his hand pulling him against you and curling around your clasped hands. He sighs into your hair as you feel his lips on your shoulder before he buries his face into your neck.

“I don’t know what I would have done if I lost you today,” you feel him shake his head as if trying to physically rid himself of the thought.

“I feel so helpless…” you whisper.

“You’re not. You won today, even with the odds stacked against you. You won.”

“If he has other Pokémon that are just as strong…”

“You can’t think about that right now. We’re going to get through this. I promise.”

You nod as exhaustion takes and you fall into a fitful sleep.

Notes: So that happened... I hope you all enjoyed this tense chapter! Please leave love in likes, reblogs and comments! I always want to hear your thoughts! 

Tags: @shinsvu-talks @eeveesjourney @cherryrocks505 @exoticxchicken8 @spilltheearlgrey @marydragneell @quincymaru @zebrabaker @ct9ner@Ichigokage @pinktowne @marina-and-the-memes @ssskeletonsoffun @secretly-a-weeb @duizhangdeluxe @swiftly-heart @invaderbekk @crowkie @narees17 @skinklady @nerdyeldritchhorror @wthyuta @serendipityseoul @crescentrax @ninjarose23 @chiizwiz @cherryrocks505 @just-a-dregular @bonniestreet @theofficialkanekibarbie @maryry24 @zea-is-amazing @loch-monsta @artisticchihuahua @hadeselegy @rociomz @emeraldluna

[misrihalek]

This is for one person in particular. Well, maybe two people. 

...I wasn’t good for you, was I? 

You found me at a pretty low point of my life, I’ve said that before. I was trying to do what the world told me, trying to be a good little boy, get that job, earn my place in the world and...I failed. I was lying on a bed in a house in the suburbs, flatmates fighting in the ungodly hours of the morning, desperately trying to escape from the world. That was how you found me and for some reason you saw something worth a damn. 

And then I proceeded to bleed you dry. I didn’t know how to get myself out of my hole and so I just started dragging you down with me, using you as just another means of escape and demanding so much of you...far too much. How many times did you lament that your love wasn’t enough to help me stand on my own two feet? How many times did you think that you were inferior because of it? Did I make you hate yourself because of my failures? 

That’s not to say that it was all bad: we wouldn’t have lasted as long as we did if we didn’t click on some level, after all. The talks we had, the things we shared between us...it would be disrespectful to say that they meant nothing: maybe their value to us makes this whole thing worse in retrospect, who knows. What I do know is that, even if only ashes remain now, you were the best friend I ever had: you were kind, funny and passionate and your presence in this world stood in defiance of the forces that sought to bring you low. You fought for your right to exist, so maybe it makes sense that you waited for so long for me to do the same. I’m sorry I let you down. 

That’s the crux of the matter, isn’t it: why didn’t I leave that hole that I found myself in? I can blame outside forces (and I often did), but the fact of the matter is that I just didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to be the person that the world demanded of me and no-one seemed to be able to tell me, so somewhere along the way I just grew comfortable in that wretched hole, at home in my misery. I started pantomiming my own life, living as if death would never come and not really living in the process, and it was this awful piece of theatre that you ended up being an unwilling part of: despairing about the future that I couldn’t see and slowly wearing yourself away. I imagine the tipping point came after those three weeks together ended and you saw how little things had changed. 

Those three weeks...before long it will have been two years since that trip to see you and it’s...weird to think about. I know that time has lost a bit of its meaning since then, but even then it’s hard to believe that it was really that long ago. I still remember the elevator up to your apartment, walking to the tramlines and going to that one tea shop - and you bet your ass I remember that hike uphill to the castle. The emotions have faded over time, but I have no qualms in saying that those were quite literally the best days of my life: I know that the word “literally” has kinda lost its meaning in this day and age, but I can confidently say that no experience before or since has compared. So why didn’t it change anything? Why did I go right back into my hole when I got back? 

I don’t think either of us knew at the time, but come a few months later it didn’t matter all that much anyway. You found someone else and left and, now that I look back, I really can’t blame you for trying to find a less bleak fate than what was in store for you. I remember you saying to me how scared you were of a future where you had to support the both of us: why wouldn’t you be? I had demonstrated no ability to be a functioning human being and I would have inevitably become a burden...well, more of a burden. What kind of future is that, for either of us? And so you left to find a brighter one. 

It was ugly and painful and I have no doubt that it still hurts you, just like it does me. For a decent amount of time I was blinded by my own pain and I said things that I can no longer stand by in good conscience: I blamed you for how things had gone and eventually cut you out of my life so I could best deal with my wrenching sorrow. To some degree that action has proved successful: being able to live without having reminders of my failures at the forefront of my mind has let me claw back pieces of myself and move forward with my life, even if it has taken some time. I cannot however defend the reasons why I did it though, born as they were from an inability to reflect on my own deficiencies. 

It turns out that there might’ve been a reason for that inability, actually. You remember me talking about my Asperger’s Syndrome diagnosis? It was something that I got told about as I was growing up and it was basically conveyed to me as a low-strength form of autism, something fairly surmountable in comparison to the more traditional forms. Last year though, I found media that suggested that Asperger’s Syndrome was a less-than-credible condition from a doctor that quite literally collaborated with Nazis and further research revealed that the term was no longer in official use. I talked to my mother about this and she casually dropped into conversation that I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. 

ADHD! So many goddamn things clicked into place once she said that and I imagine that the same might be happening for you right now. No wonder I had so much difficulty functioning in that job, how infuriating it was to focus on things, how I would sally forth into different trains of thought mid-conversation. My mother’s general mistrust of the medical system also meant that I’d been dealing with these things all my life without any sort of medication, the usual way that other people with ADHD make themselves co-operate with the strictures of society. No wonder things went to fucking pieces the moment I stepped into the real world. 

I’ve had to do some serious thinking since then, not least of all about my future. I tried to keep on the jobsearching grind for a while after that bombshell dropped, but after months of no luck I snapped and decided to take an alternate route, one that I couldn’t consider while we were together. Since then I’ve moved away from home and I’m studying to maybe one day be a social worker: to one day have the tools to help people like me, people stuck in their own holes and unable to get out without the helping hand of someone who understands what they’re going though. No doubt you’d say that you’re happy for me and I don’t doubt that statement: you’re a better person that I was and even through all this you’ve wished no ill towards me. You’re a good person like that. 

These days I’m doing decently okay: I’m living with 3 flatmates who I get along with pretty well and my studies are progressing as they should. I’m trying to write a bit more as well, although about the only thing I’ve done lately of any tangibility has been...well, this. Even with the progress I’ve made, what happened between us still bobs to the surface from time to time and I have to process things all over again: it gets easier as time marches onwards, but that doesn’t mean that it’s easy. That probably explains why I reacted so violently to the message you sent me, among other things. 

What I said there was true: I can’t face you while things are the way they are. I’m not strong enough to watch you be happy with someone else, because it’s a reminder that I can no longer elicit that same joy from you: a reminder that our time has passed because of my failures. It’s knowledge that hollows me out from the inside. I tried to be strong - tried to ignore that hollowing out and remain friends - and failed over and over, coming close enough to nothingness to feel it encroaching on my soul, so now I put up my walls to protect it.

I need to be okay. And I can’t do that with you around. It’s an awful thing to say and you don’t deserve it, but it’s the truth. Once more you suffer for my deficiencies as a human being. 

I’m sorry that I couldn’t be the person that you needed: I guess the deck was kinda stacked against us from the beginning, considering what I didn’t know about myself and, y’know, the whole long-distance thing, so don’t go thinking that any of this was your fault. You remain one of the best people I have ever met and I am eternally grateful for the time we shared together: do not doubt that you are worthy of love, even in your lowest moments. You’re a damn good human being and you deserve to have good things happen to you, better things than me. 

I imagine you’re expecting me to say this, but oh well: I’d prefer it if you don’t send me a response to what I have written here. Beyond just safeguarding my own wellbeing, I’ve been meaning to write this for a long time now and what you see is pretty much every single thing that I can conceivably say in regards to all that has transpired between us. I don’t really have anything else to say and after this I will hopefully not think about this so much anymore and get on with my life. I would implore you to do the same. 

I wish you all the best. 

...

...there’s a small piece of me that doubles back on what I’ve written here, seeing if it can instill its will within the paragraphs wherein it can wend its way to you. It’s the piece of me that still loves you, that holds out hope that I may one day see you again and that we can rediscover what was lost. It tells me to leave my heart open to the opportunity, to hope against hope that things change. This last paragraph is my concession to it in the vain hope that it’ll finally fucking shut up.

[dibidibifiction]

A Hundred-dollar Bill: PART 4

Warning: foul language, fluff Word count: 1.9k

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction made for personal entertainment of readers. The writer does not ever intend to offend her readers nor does she aim to spread false information about anyone as to pay any disrespect to the real-life persons whom the characters are based on. She also does not claim ownership to any of the images that are being used.

masterlist PART 3

I gently pull away from Taemin’s cuddle to get up. He immediately rolls his whole body the other way, finding Kibum who is spooning Minho on the other side. Once again, I stare at all my best friends. This time they’re sleeping so soundly and this, for me, is enough to provide me comfort. However, I somehow feel sorry for getting them into this mess. 

I adjust this one blanket for them to squeeze in.

I grab Minho’s cigarette pack and head to the roof of the building to wait for the sun to rise.

Once I’m sat on the dirty, dusty cement, I light a cigarette to my satisfaction.

I think of my parents. I don’t really believe in life after death but I genuinely hope they’re happy and together wherever they may be. I wish there was a way to let them know how much I miss them. Also, I really hope they don’t see how I’m doing right now because my dad would for sure beat me up.

“Hey, can I get a hit of that?” I hear someone say after a couple of minutes of my alone time.

I turn my head to look behind me. It’s Taemin. “Oh, hey.”

“That ‘hey’ doesn’t sound like you’re happy to see me,” he giggles. He takes the cigarette from my lips and then to his.

“A singer isn’t supposed to smoke, right?”

“Who says I’m a singer?”

I stare at him in confusion after I light myself another stick. “Spill it.”

“Nobody knows this. Well, except for Kibum Hyung since he’s all for social media and happened to find the article. Thanks for looking it up by the way,” he jokes. “About a month ago,” he starts. “Euisoo Hyung handed me the news that he handled my situation and proved to the media and to everybody that the rumors about me are wrong. I don’t know how he did it, I didn’t ask, but I’m just grateful. Not to mention relieved. He said that I can get back to work as soon as I’m ready. And I asked him to give me some time to think about it.”

“What? Taemin, what’s there to think about? This is your dream.”

“It was. I already lived it for six years and I couldn’t feel more honored and fortunate, but…” He hesitates. 

“But what?”

He sighs. “I have a new dream. I realized that living a lowkey life made me happier, less pressured, especially with the person I love. I decided to go back to the original plan, which is to become a dancer. Not exactly a singer,” he says, tipping the cigarette butt out of his hands.

I watch his eyes twinkle under the upcoming sunrise sky. There is not a drop of doubt that he’s really sure about this. I always wondered how hard it was for him to recover from all the hate, and his fans cancelling on him. He didn’t really open up this deeply. Now, here he is, rising from the ashes. 

“Last night, when I went out while Kibum Hyung rested, I talked to Euisoo Hyung again.”

“Really? And?”

“He told me that I’m going to have a meeting with the board of the directors about my choreography and songwriting career. Turns out there still is a reputation to ruin I just realized. So…”

“So what happened last night can’t happen again,” I finish his thought.

“Well, not everything that happened. There are some moments I want to make happen again.” He gives off a grin, trying not to giggle at his own flirty information. 

“Wait, let’s get back to that part where you mentioned somebody you love. What’s that about exactly?” I join his kidding around.

Now he can’t hold his laugh.

We stare at each other for a while as the laughter fades. Slowly, he begins to lean into me to gently put his lips onto mine. Then carefully slides his tongue against mine as they start to dance together.

It feels different this time. It’s more tender and more passionate. It’s less wild but more gentle. Less lustful but more pleasant. Less exciting but more caring. 

He pulls away. “Look, I know we’ve never talked about this. Us. I never brought it up because I want everything to stay the same and I don’t want to fuck it up.”

“Yeah, I know, me too. I like the way we are.” I smile brightly at him, involuntarily. I take a deep breath as I’ve decided to say what I’m about to say. “I love you though.”

Tears form in his eyes like they wanted to say the same thing to me. I watch them close as he starts kissing me again.

The sun has come up which marks the end of everything reckless and rebellious and the beginning of something prudent and responsible.

. . .

We wouldn’t see one another for months after that day. We lived separately for a bit to focus on our own lives, to be better. 

But we did hang out from time to time, just not as often as we did before. Lucky for us, we had each other—we still do—to realize that it’s never too late to start over. It’s from each other where we learned that each of us is like a hundred-dollar bill. No matter how much we’re folded, crumpled, and stepped on, we never lost our value. 

We never experienced what it was like to be living free as youngsters because our lives fucked us up so early. That’s also why we lived it in our late twenties. Although one certain thing we know is that we have no regrets, especially after we found each other.

It is now six years later and so much has changed. Our individual lives have never been better, and we’ve never been happier. 

Taemin is now a well-known, well-esteemed singer turned choreographer and songwriter, working with famous pop groups and soloists. He would make a comeback once in a while as a singer but it doesn’t become his priority. 

Four years ago, just a year after his career peak, Taemin showed Kibum’s secret sketched designs to a famous designer he worked with for some time for his comeback.

Long story short, Kibum finished fashion school where he was sponsored by that same designer, who also became his mentor. Later on, his social media following started growing and he would be interviewed and be featured by different magazine and publishing companies. He would work on his own clothing line little by little in collaboration with various famous fashion icons. 

Minho served the military for two years after he ran away from his father, who patched things up with him recently. After his military service, he reunited with his former soccer coach in college and they trained day and night without taking any breaks at all. I would cook and prepare us a picnic, then the rest of us would visit him in the field. He would soon make the national team. And after being reserved in the bleachers for so long, just months ago, he was responsible for their team’s rare championship and is awarded as the Most Valuable Player this season. Now, Minho becomes one of the famous successful football players who peaked in their thirties. 

. . .

As I’m tidying up for closing, I hear the bell ring as somebody enters my bakeshop. I turn around to see Taemin, who instantly puts a smile on my face.

“Hey, you,” he greets with a warm hug.

“Hi,” I say before placing a sweet kiss on his lips. “I’m almost ready. Hold on a second.”

After I check all the lights in the back rooms and am about to walk out the front door, all ready to go, I catch Taemin lost in thought. He admires the place, then looks at me. Staring at me with twinkle in his eyes. 

“What wrong?” I ask.

“Nothing,” he shakes his head and loses eye contact. “I’m just so proud of you,” he says, trying not to smile so widely.

This was the same café where Kibum and I first had lunch. This was the place where our friendship grew. This was where the rest of our lives began. When I found out that they were selling it a year ago, I had no second thoughts and did everything to get it. And now, here we are.

“Yeah, well,” I grab both of his hands and sigh in serenity and bliss. “I am proud of us.”

He looks at the ground, cringing all of a sudden.

I wrap my hands around his neck to draw him closer, and kiss him tenderly, catching his tongue on mine.

He hums in pleasure. “Do we still have time?”

I pull away, laughing at him. “No, we don’t.”

He sulks and shows a childish sad face.

“Come on. We’re late to meet the guys.”

After a half an hour drive, we arrive at Kibum’s newly renovated, newly furnished house. Now’s only the first time we’re all visiting because he wanted it to be a surprise. When I finally recognized the place, it made me almost cry. Even though he changed almost all its features, it still brought back the memories we shared out here. It’s the place where we broke in six years ago, almost getting caught by the police.

While Taemin goes in through the front door to deliver the cake I baked and the champagne we brought, my impulse orders me to head to the backyard where the swimming pool was located.

I catch Minho out on the patio, grilling meat and sausages. I spy the rest of the area, and my sight lands on the swimming pool. Turns out it’s the only feature that hasn’t changed. Although, it’s way cleaner and way more gorgeous.

I can’t help but let the tears fall.

Minho finally sees me when he takes a sip of his beer. “Y/n, hey, you’re here!” He was about to welcome me with open arms but then he notices that I’m crying. “What’s wrong?” 

My voice breaks. “I know it’s silly, but it’s just we had such memories here, and now we’re—” I can’t go on. I’m already weeping.

“Come here,” he hugs me anyway and places a peck on my forehead.

“Minho, what’s going on out there?” Kibum finally appears, Taemin following behind him holding four glasses in between his fingers and the bottle of champagne in his other hand.. 

“Nothing!” I say, holding back tears even though there’s no point.

“Oh, honey.” Kibum reaches out and wraps his arms around me. Taemin and Minho are behind me embracing each others’ hellos too.

So we have dinner at Kibum’s patio. Later on in the night, we all jump into the very swimming pool that I never thought I would see again. Back then, I thought I’d have to cherish every moment because I might not be able to live it again. But that moment happens again right now. And it will keep on happening.

We bond all night like we always have. Minho’s competitive rock-paper-scissors, Taemin’s harsh tickling, and Kibum’s savage comments. Although this time, we’re not fucked up adults anymore. 

Once again, I propose a toast. “To fucking friendship.”

“To fucking friendship!”

[youralternantpersonality]

Sherlock

Seth x reader: Sherlock

WARNING: Virgin-like smut and Seth clap-back lol

*Additional characters names are as gender natural as I can get them*

***

Y/n POV

It had been a month of nonstop calling and texting to Seth wondering what the fuck is going on. One day, we're laughing in his room supposed to be doing homework and the next, he suddenly needs to avoid me. I tried talking to Sue and Leah, but no avail. Billy decided to take care of him (even though Sue is a nurse) so when I tried getting a hold of Billy, all I received was to not call again or automatic voicemail.

I decided enough was enough and I was going to confront him at school. He’d seen me in the hallway countless of times and ran the other way before I could get to him. This time, it wasn’t happening. This time I was going to make sure I get the answers I needed.

***

As I head to my last class, I find him with Embry and Jake at their lockers. I grab his arm to look at me only to barely have him move.

“Hey, what the hell Seth? What the hell is going on with you?” I pay no mind to Embry and Jake as Seth turns to look at me. I stare up at him and damn nearly forget to blink when I look into his eyes. I’ve always loved this boy, always had a crush on him, but now, it just seemed different. Trying to stay mad, I keep my composure waiting for an answer. Although, knowing him, he can read me like a book. He looked at me with a black expression and said.

“Leave me alone Y/n. What can't you get? We're not friends anymore. And by the way, you need to work on hiding that crush you have for me, it makes you look desperate." He said, turning around instantly, slamming his locker, and brushing past me faster than I could register what he just said. I have never felt a heartbreak as bad as I did at that moment. The expression must have been obvious because even Embry and Jake tried to talk to me.

“Y/n/n…” before Jake could even do anything, my defense mode went up and I looked at them, blank face, lack of emotions, and all that came with it. We've all known each other for years; they knew what this means when it came to me. I was beyond broken, and no amount of sense of care can snap me out of it.  

“I have to go.” I decided to skip my last class and head home. Once I got in my car, I calmly drove to the gas station to fill up and head home. When I got to my room, I calmly grabbed a cardboard box and absent mindlessly packed all his stuff. Pictures, tapes, clothing items, anything that was his. He lived here sometimes so I grabbed his clothes, bath wash (that I would use sometime), and anything that he had given me as a gift. Birthday cards, charms, dreamcatchers, trinkets, stones that looked like shit we found as kids, everything. It took 2 boxes to fill most of it, I put the rest of his clothes in a trash bag. I carried them to my car, running into my older siblings, Riley and DJ, who stopped me along the way.

“Woah there Trojan, what’s going on with you?” I looked at them dead in the face and they knew. Everyone knew something was wrong when a lack of emotions is displayed on my face.

“Who hurt you?” Riley said,

"Who do we have to kill?" DJ said afterward.

“Don’t worry about it, I’m through with them. Can you grab that box and that bag and help me bring this to the car? I have to return this.” I said heading towards the door.

“Didn’t Seth give you this ring?” It was a raven, he said because I was mysterious and cautious that it reminded him of me. I almost cracked at that moment.

“Wait, this is Seth’s t-shirts! Y/n, what happened? What did he do?” DJ said.

“Doesn’t matter, just put it in my car. I need to return his shit. I’ll tell you later.” I said placing the box in the front seat. They followed through without saying a word. They pulled me into a hug for emotional support and allowed me to go on my way.

I pulled up to the Clearwater’s house and proceeded to grab all his shit in one trip to the door. I was just about to knock when Leah and Sue open the door.

“Y/n! What are you doing here?” Sue said, shocked and anxious at my appearance.

“Returning some things Seth left at my place.” Leah looks at me with a sad expression,

“Y/n…please…” she says seeing my face. They both knew, again, everyone who knew me knew what was wrong. I just wanted to get this day over with so I can go home and be invisible to the world for a while.

“I just wanted to drop this off, then I’ll be on my way.” And never return.

“He’s in his room. I’m sure he’d like to see you.” Leah softly smiled at Sues words. I stayed the same with doubt after what happened not even 3 hours ago.

“I highly doubt that.” There was a pregnant and awkward pause.

"Well, just let us know if you need anything. We have to head to work. There's food in the fridge if you get hungry." Sue said as if I was now welcomed here. Leah pulled me in a hug as if she would see me soon. I didn’t return it.

I stepped inside their home and placed the bag on the floor by the couch and grabbed one of the boxes to bring outside of his room. As I about to place the bag down to leave, bring my hand to the doorknob only to hear grunt noises and moaning. I stood there in shock and realize it wasn't fully closed. I listen and realize why he was so rude towards me…he was seeing someone else. I almost broke down right there if it wasn't for the fact that something caught my attention.

"Fuck, Y/n." I stop breathing, trying to see if I heard that correctly. Did he just say my name? I hear more grunts and moans and my name slipping from his lips again. This time I brace myself up against the wall and realize my breathing not only got hard but so did my nipples. I go to push it open to only see a sight to see.

Seth. Shirt off. Pants low. Pleasing himself. And at that moment, he said it again.

“Damn it Y/n you feel so good, baby." Shivers ran down my spine hearing him. I silently closed the door behind me and confidently walked up to him removing my shirt, shoes, and yoga pants in the process. I watch him a little bit longer as his hips start to buck at the thought of me pleasing him instead of his hands.  

I carefully walk up to him, bend over, and grab his length for him and licked the tip of his head. Alerting him that someone is here. He jumps, eyes wide, and scared for his life.

"Shit! Y/n…ah…what a-are you doing h-here?" he said trying to catch his breath while grabbing a pillow to cover himself. I ignore his question, calmly removing his pillow, straddle his leg, grab his length, and finish the job for him. He was hesitant at first, attempting to pull me from him until the tip of my tongue encountered his head. He was a goner after that.

I worked him through my hands calmly, trying to calm my nerves of excitement at the position I am in now—one that I have been dreaming of I might add. Bringing him in my mouth sucking him as far I can get him in, allowing my hand to pump him of what I can't reach, I move in slow motion. Painfully to slow for him. He bucks his hip in my mouth and grunts as his hand slips into my hair.

"Fuck baby, like that." I can feel his eyes staring at me, so I look up at him, making eye contact. I stick my tongue out and slap his cock against it and go back to slurping him and making all kinds of pleasurable noises. A pool develops between my legs and without even realizing what I am doing, I start rubbing myself for any amount of friction I can get.

“Shit, baby come here.” Seth pulls me up to him and kisses me with both passion and need. He flips me over and situates himself in between me. He realizes that I don’t have a bra on and instantly starts kneeing my breasts. His large hands play with my nipples, rubbing them in between his fingers and pulling gently yet firmly at them causing a reaction out of me.

“Fuck, Seth…” I whine quietly, unintentionally bucking my hips towards him. He reaches down and pulling at my underwear to take off. I lift my hips and he slides them off easily. He leans in to kiss me and starts rubbing my clit slowly. I whine and wrap my arms around his neck while moving with him. His other hand goes to my hips and pushes them down to stay still.

“Fuck. Let me do this for you baby. Relax, I got you.” He says, leaving kisses down my body until he reaches his destination. He licks his figure of the juice I provided on there for him, looks up at me dead in the eyes like a predator is about to eat his prey. And he does just that.

"Oh God!" my hands grab onto his sheets as he dives in savoring me with his tongue. He finds my clit almost instantly and focuses hard on that while watching my reaction. He wraps one arm around my hips to keep me still and the other to hold down my leg to the side to get a better angle. The constant noises that he makes only make me wetter as the seconds go by. He lifts slightly, and slips a figure in my slowly, curling upward making me gasp for my dear life. I'm not sure what he hit, but I only pray he keeps hitting that spot.

“You like that baby. You want more don’t you, huh baby girl.” He says looking back up at me, slowly sliding in a second figure, twirling and pumping in and out of me. He kisses my inner thigh and tells me to relax as he goes back to giving my clit more attention it deserves. He goes a little faster this time, hitting that spot repeatedly. I couldn’t contain myself anymore. I reach my hands in his hair roughly to pull him closer. I lift my legs onto his shoulders to give a better angle and god, it does wonder. He uses his free arm to lift my leg in the air, slapping my ass in the process of it. He starts to speed up his paste as my legs start to shake vigorously.

"That's it, baby, let go. Let go for me. Let go for Daddy." And I fucking lost it. I cried out seeing stars and tears running down my face. My hips bucked uncontrollably, and my legs and body shook as if I was a fish out of water. Seth climbed on top of me and kissed me. Tasting myself on his lips as he continued to rub me. I reached down to his member and slowly worked on him. I looked down and saw he was dripping. I looked up at him, his eyes closed, mouth slightly open in pleasure.

"More… please…" I whined in his ear and without hesitation, he lifted himself, took off his shorts and boxers, and situated himself again in between my legs.

“You sure baby?” I nodded and kissed him with what passion I had left.

"Pull out." He nodded. He rose and slowly entered me. Only having the head in, did his head fall back and a moan escapes his lips and he leaned over with one arm by my head and the other focusing on going inside of me. I wrapped my legs around his waist for a better angle and both of our breaths stopped. He looked me in the eyes as he fully was in me and we just paused. Not a second after he slowly thrust his hips and my eyes rolled to the back of my head. Placing his other arm on the other side of my head, bending down to kiss me, that he kept up the paste until he felt me relaxing.

"Fuck baby, you feel good." He said, increasing his speed. He went to his elbows and kissed me, reminding me to breathe. I wrapped one arm around his neck and the other on his bicep. Holding on for my dear life.

“Faster… please.” I couldn’t control the word coming out of my mouth, but I didn’t regret the. He simply obliged and went faster.

"Like that baby? Fuck Y/n, you have no idea how long I've wanted you like this. Under me, begging me for more." I swear with every word coming from his mouth it only made me closer to my end. He rises, grabs my hips, and goes faster and slightly harder. I reach up to grab his forearm and lift my legs knees to chest. He grabs the back of them, lifts forward and thrusts slower but harder. I look down and only become wetter watching him enter me.  

“Fuck, Seth…Oh God bay, don’t stop. Please don’t stop.” I cry out to him. He slaps my ass and says,

"Never." He leans back, grabs my legs, and shoves me closer to him and loses it. I grab onto him while arching my back and moan incoherent things to him. He takes his fingers and starts playing with my clit.

“Cum for me baby. Cum for Daddy again.” He says, trying to get me to cum before he does. It doesn’t take long, two pumps later, I’m withering underneath him calling out for him again. He increases his uneven paste and his breath hesitates. He pulls out at the last second and finishes on my stomach.

“Fuck! Ah, shit Y/n," he says hovering over me. Eyes closed, forehead to forehead, trying to catch our breath. His cock limps slightly as he lets go of it. He reaches down for some tissue and wipes his nonexistent children off of me, then cleans himself. He puts on his boxers and goes to the bathroom and comes back with a wet washcloth and cleans in between my legs. It stings, but bearable. Once done, he comes back and lays down next to me. He pulls me close to him, kisses my head, and smiles. I wrap myself around his warm body and kiss him back.

“I guess I have some explaining to do, don’t I?”

“No shit sherlock.” I laugh, laying my head on his chest waiting for the much-needed explanation.

“Hold on…Daddy? Really?” I look up at him. He just looks at me, shrugs his shoulder and puts on a cheeky grin.

“You like it, don’t lie.”

“…Fuck you.”

“With pleasure.”

[artcenterstories]

Experience Seeker: Meet Artist/Author Dominick Domingo

ArtCenter: What inspired your current creative project? Dominick Domingo (Illustration ‘91) arist/author/designer: A prolonged hospital stay and the proverbial brush with death. Being in touch with my mortality has lit a fire creatively and put legacy at the forefront. My latest IP, mythic fiction novel The Seeker is a parable of my recent trials and a portrait of all I’ve learned about the spiritual journey we are all on.

AC: What have been some of the most memorable twists and turns in your professional/creative journey after graduating ArtCenter? DD: A month after graduation, I began work at Disney Feature Animation on a small film to later known as Lion King. Having interned there between fourth and fifth terms, I visually developed the film during preproduction, then went on to paint production backgrounds. I continued on with Disney Feature for 11 years, in L.A. and Paris, painting backgrounds and creating visual development art for Pocahontas, Hunchback of Notre Dame, Tarzan, Little Match Girl and One By One.

I then attended New York Film Academy and began making independent live-action films as an auteur. My films won awards in the festival circuit and garnered distribution. Original screenplay credits on SAG/IMDB films led me to put my lifelong love of writing on the front-burner, while keeping one foot in animation by freelancing for major companies like Mirada, Blue Sky, Dreamworks TV, Nickelodeon, Disney Interactive, etc. The electives I offered for 20 years at my alma mater, ArtCenter, became the foundation of what has diverged into today’s Entertainment Arts and Entertainment Design tracks.

My essays and short stories have been included in anthologies and collections, some winning awards (most recently Writer’s Digest 2020 and Craft Literary 2020). My young adult trilogy, The Nameless Prince, launched in 2012 through Twilight Times Books. The Seeker marks my debut in the mythic fiction-meets-visionary fiction genre. I’ve had the good fortune of crafting a career that spans various formats and genres, all expressions of a drive I consider essential to the human condition: storytelling.

AC: What’s been the most unexpected or valuable takeaway from your ArtCenter education? DD: I am grateful for the ArtCenter legacy of excellence, and its stellar reputation in the fields of art and design; both have served me well. The demanding program and high expectations of instructors like Gary Meyer, David Mocarski, Jon Conrad, Harry Carmean and Burne Hogarth taught me to strive for excellence, believe in my potential, and push boundaries. At ArtCenter I learned nothing less than the art of alchemy and manifestation, to co-create with the universe and use my authentic gifts to contribute to our collective transformation.

AC: What’s the one tool you can’t do without? DD: My imagination. Like many artists, I consider myself a storyteller with different modes of expression. Whether editing a film in Final Cut, modeling in Maya or SketchUp during visual development or painting concepts in Photoshop, the common denominator is my imagination! My fingers come in pretty handy as well. And my eyeballs.

AC: What design cliché are you most tempted to use? DD: In my teaching, I've heard myself say, "Know the rules before you break them!" With regard to figurative and representational work, I am a big fan of buckling down and applying the discipline to master foundational principles at the outset. Whether Chevreul’s laws of color theory or Gestalt studies, internalizing theory with the faith it will become second nature is precisely what eventually allows one to take risks and explore. In developing one’s authentic voice, a framework of regiments and a clear vision can, in the end, free up the intuition to orchestrate magic that may not occur if one is struggling with technique or "finding one’s way…"

AC: What’s the first site you look at when you open your computer in the morning? DD: I tend to check e-mail and (UGH) Facebook first. But NEVER before putting caffeine in me and getting a change of scenery. As a long time freelancer/independent contractor, I like to get a walk in and listen to inspirational content (blogs or podcasts) before settling in front of the computer. Novelty is crucial for the ol’ dendrites and for brain plasticity!

AC: If you could trade jobs for a day with anyone, who would it be? DD: Pretty much anyone at Laika, as I would kill or die to get in there. I love their brand, its spirit, and the content they produce. As a kid who once knew every dinosaur that ever walked the earth and the period in which it lived (although they’ve changed them all), I'm often baffled I did not make every attempt to work with Stan Winston on Jurassic Park. I guess I was busy at Disney, but I often kick myself as that ship has clearly sailed… Also, Peter Jackson — he is living my dream!

AC: What books are on your bedside table? DD: Rather than imposing my recommendations (like "all artists should read Letters to a Young Poet or all humans should read The Alchemist,) I will give an honest answer: I don’t have a bedside table. However, on my coffee table currently: The Kybalion, Giant, 12 Years a Slave, and Jane Fonda’s autobiography, My Life So Far. Jane is an inspiration: the fact that she still gives a damn and gets up every morning and walks the walk. I also admire her tackling ageism head on, the societal ill I am most passionate about rectifying at over half-a-century. As a writer, I read a wide variety of genres. Neil Gaiman, Junot Díaz, Davy Rothbart, David Sedaris and Augusten Burroughs are also huge influences.

AC: What is your prized possession? DD: I have two. One is an amazing painting titled The Three Muses painted by the formidable John Watkiss, with whom I worked on Disney’s Tarzan and who has since passed. The other is the traditional animation desk I had commissioned in the '90s using Disney’s patented design. There was one architect in the world with the Mouse’s blessing to use the patented design. But none of that is what makes it a prized possession — the reason is this: I nearly lost it in a fire. But unbeknownst to me, rather than taking the charred thing to the dump as discussed, my father secretly took it home and brought it back from the dead. Refurbished every bit of charred wood, every molding, right down to the laminate and the proper finish. Like new.

AC: What’s your best piece of advice for an ArtCenter student who’s interested in following your career path?​ DD: Remember why you do what you do. There are plenty of times in life when we must keep our noses to the grindstone and work can feel like drudgery. But inspired work energizes — the opposite of drudgery. Whatever is paying the bills, I would be sure it’s something that contributes to your personal transformation on the micro level and to our collective evolution on the macro. The artistic journey is lifelong: We may find our authentic voice, but it’s ever-evolving. I would encourage all artists to take stock now and then, and assess whether that voice has been married with a sense of purpose. And whether that purpose contributes to the dialectic of our human potential!