#i could actually write an essay on it but i doubt anyone wants to hear it so i won’t

[violetwolfraven]

Soren from the Dragon Prince is autistic and my source is that I’m autistic and I say so.

[darylsdelts]

Hi! Could you write a Daryl x f.reader hc in the mornings? I feel like slow mornings would be Daryl's favorite time of day, just enjoying his partner without having to think about the day ahead..

P.S: how did you not start writing sooner?? I love how your pretty brain brings our delusions to life lol

I’m gonna do the smaller request’s first so that they don’t pile up because having loads of requests makes me anxious😭 idk why but I’m getting to em all!

Anon!!! I love this so much! I love domestic daddy Daryl so much like yes! Idc what anyone says, he’s sooooo husband! And alsooooo… TYSM! I’m not really a writer😭 I didn’t intend to actually write on here but people started sending full on essays for me to write so why not. I did write some stuff on Wattpad though that I could post here??? If y’all want??? Anywayyyyyssss ily!

I always imagine these sorta things with you and Daryl in a secluded cabin, away from the community. You’re still part of the group but you and Daryl prefer to be alone together.

Living away from the community, Daryl is like a different person, he’s way more relaxed and less on guard. Less irritated by people too.

The sunlight seeps through the cracks in the curtains in the early mornings.

Daryl usually wakes up first but if he doesn’t then you shift closer, resting your chin on his bare chest and admiring his sleeping face.

His hair framing his relaxed face, he looks younger when he’s sleeping, your favourite part is how his rounded nose twitches when he starts to wake up.

As soon as he opens his eyes, you feel his chest vibrate as he hums, bringing his hand up to push a strand of hair behind your ear.

“What’d I tell ya ‘bout starin’, Hm?”

His lips twitch upward, he fucking loves the mornings when it’s so peaceful and it’s just him and you, like the world doesn’t really exist.

“I think you told me to quit it”

He chuckles, rubbing his thumb across your forehead.

Daryl thinks you’re the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, especially when your hair is messy from sleep and you’re in barely any clothes.

There’s no doubt that every morning, his mind drifts to thinking about staying in bed with you all day, worshipping your body and making you feel good.

And that fantasy is almost always thrown out the window when the both of you hear paws enter the room, dog jumping up on the bed, licking at Daryls face.

“Dog! Jesus chri-… yeah, okay okay, good boy”

After getting out of bed, Daryl pulling on just his jeans that sit low on his waist and you in a thin night dress, you both go to the kitchen area.

Daryl feeds dog so he stops whining and then he’ll cook up something he hunted and serve it to you.

You’re greatful for your hunterman, taking such good care of you.

Even after being together all these years, Daryl still gets shy, sitting opposite you whilst eating, barely able to make eye contact.

Some mornings, if it was hot enough, you’d go swim in the lake with dog whilst Daryl would watch over the both of you. He’s not greatly fond of swimming in the lake since he wouldn’t be able to protect you as well as he could from the side.

“Can we go to the lake?” You ask as Daryl takes your plates.

“Ya wanna? Ain’t so hot out today, darlin’”

“I wanna”

He’d roll his eyes, he could never say no to you.

He’d sit on the bank next to the lake, watching you in just your panties and bra, swimming around in the water with dog.

After you get out you’d complain that it’s too cold and he’d bite his tongue, he did tell you so.

He’d wrap you in a towel and leave you shivering whilst he towels dog off.

“Shouldn’ta let ya go in the damn water, yer gon’ get sick”

You’d pout as you shiver, Daryl wraps his arms round you, kissing the top of your hair.

“Let’s get ya inside, warm my girl up”

You have a feeling you know what he means.

This isn’t even really hc’s 😭 full on story I’m sorry but I always get so carried away.

[rthko]

Hi :) I read The Tragedy of Heterosexuality and loved it — do you have any other books you’d recommend about gender/sexuality? Thanks <3 I love reading your long posts, you have really insightful ideas and I think we view the world very similarly

Glad to hear that! Here's some context for anyone not in the loop: The Tragedy of Heterosexuality is a book about Heteropessimism, or rather, finding a way out of it. The notion is that heterosexual love is doomed because men and women are just different by nature, and it manifests through relationship self-help books, incels and pickup artists, and the memes and ramblings of countless straight women who they wish they could just be lesbians. Jane Ward think heterosexuality as we know it self sabotages through what she calls the misogyny paradox: straight men love women, except they don't love women. But she doesn't think heterosexuality is doomed or prop up political lesbianism as a solution. She calls for mutual respect and actually leaning into the heterosexuality of, well, actually liking each other, rather than try to "queer" it. This is part of a really interesting turn in queer theory where heterosexuality has emerged as a subject of study--another good example is Hanne Blank's Straight: The Surprisingly Short History of Heterosexuality.

So I want to start out by disclaiming I'm not actually that well read. This is something I've been trying to work on more recently. That said, here are some gender and sexuality recs:

Two essays by Gayle Rubin: The Traffic in Women and Thinking Sex. I don't completely cosign everything she says, but these are monumental texts. Thinking Sex is topical especially as the "sex wars" keep playing out.

Gender Trouble by Judith Butler. Everyone's heard of this, so my specific recommendation is to skip to part three and the conclusion, where the text is at its most concise. Butler's theory of gender performativity has exploded beyond their initial reach, so they've since had a lot of interviews and given talks that address a wider audience. People who have read both Gender Trouble and Bodies that Matter tend to recommend the latter text, but I still need to.

The Trouble with Normal by Michael Warner, or if you want a shorter version, his essay "Normaler and Normaler." Even if you're not against marriage in its entirety, his criticisms are so incisive and helpful, especially now in countries where gay marriage was passed but proved to be a dead end. It also really gets into gayness as identity versus behavior, which seems to have exploded into a huge conflict recently. This is how you get people who are on board with queerness in the abstract but appalled by its real-life specifics. I also still need to read Fear of a Queer Planet.

Sister Outsider by Audre Lorde, is a collection of speeches and essays by one of the most influential Black feminist writers. "Uses of the Erotic" especially stuck with me, where the erotic is taken not so literally but as a sort of creative synergy with political implications. If you've ever heard "the master's tools will not dismantle the masters house," that's included in this collection.

Close to the Knives by David Wojnarowicz, also a collection of speeches and essays, is one of my favorite books on AIDS. The rage is palpable and crucial, and the essay "Do Not Doubt the Dangerousness of the 12-inch Politician" is eerily resonant today as politicians still stoke violence on TV (and now social media).

Lately I've been getting more into trans writing, with Transgender History by Susan Stryker and Whipping Girl by Julia Serano. The former alarmed me with how much I didn't know, and the latter blew my mind. It was written at a time when trans people, for better and for worse, weren't really in the public eye except for in niche circles, and academia about trans people was about or at the expense of them but not by and for them. Her mark is so tangible today. My next read will be Reverse Cowgirl by McKenzie Wark after hearing rave reviews. I think I'm going to like it.

I am also accepting recs!

[nerdragenewvegas]

I have so, so many thoughts about the kind of world shifting impact that a female Courier backing the Legion would have. I saw a discussion about this on tiktok and everyone in the comments was saying shit about the Courier's influence leading the Legion to change their policies on women, or her influence leading them to allow women of her choosing into battle or whatever. But I really, really believe that's idealistic and wishful thinking.

Now, I'm not saying that they'd throw a collar on the Courier. Assuming Caesar's alive and well, I don't think that'd even cross his mind. Caesar is a brilliant PR man, he understands how to control people and he's designed the Legion to operate on belief, and that belief isn't religion or even a shared political belief -- it's myth, because Caesar can control myths. He gets to write the history. He gets to tell the stories and decide which ones are important.

We see examples of how myth works in the Legion. Despite being an otherwise pragmatic and practical faction, the Legion uses myth to plug holes, to erase doubts. It's used sparingly and effectively.

Caesar himself is mythologized - he's the 'son of mars,' his founding of the Legion is legend in itself. He's raised up by those in the Legion as an expert strategist, a genius, an expert at warfare. But once you start digging into the Legion a little from the inside, you learn he's about as smart as anyone else. Sure, he's book smart to a point, but he's arguably about as smart as anyone with a foundational education could be if given access to the right literature. We learn that while he has a foundational understanding of warfare and strategy, he's far from an expert; in fact, he left most of that up to Joshua Graham, which cost them the First Battle of Hoover Dam. In matters of strategy, it's extremely clear that Vulpes is the real genius. The Legion is running rings around the NCR using guerilla tactics and espionage headed by Vulpes, victories like Searchlight and Nipton, and if the Courier sides with the Legion, Operation: Racket nearly cripples the NCR stationed on and around the Strip during the Second Battle of Hoover Dam. Caesar's strength is his people skills, his ability to manipulate, to understand how to effectively assemble people and control a mob until it's a well-trained army. Speaking of Vulpes, the furry fox femmeboy has mythology of his own. Caesar is eager to tell you the story of how Vulpes rose above his station, breaking rank and showing exceptional talent and tenacity (and a willingness to secure a victory for Caesar at any cost, including a certain execution for breaking ranks and disobeying his superior.) The Desert Fox, hand picked by the Son of Mars, who spared him from an execution and instead saw fit to declare him his frumentarii. (okay this turned into an essay so there's a cut here I'm sorry)

The greatest and most notorious example of Caesar creating myth, though, is in Lanius. We hear so much about him before we ever lay eyes on him -- I'd actually argue that we spend more time hearing about Lanius than we ever do speaking to him or even occupying the same space as him. If Vulpes is the knife, Lanius is the hammer, brutal and violent and frightening and loud, and Caesar wants everyone to know that. Lanius is feared all over the Mojave; few who lay eyes on him survive, but the stories are so prolific in how they impact those who hear them that it's accepted that an encounter with Lanius is most likely an encounter with death (or something worse, in some cases.) Once again, hand-picked by Caesar, chosen specifically by the son of Mars for his martial superiority but also for his brutality, his well controlled and channelled rage. To be full of rage is one thing, but to be able to effectively harness and direct it? That is something rare, and something Caesar noticed immediately. He is large, visually frightening, a dominating presence with a voice to match -- and, to the surprise of most players on their first run, he's far more intelligent than anyone gives him credit for. In fact, Caesar seems to leave this out when discussing him, almost deliberately. Lanius can be cruel, vengeful, terrifying, a 6'11" nightmare of a man, but intelligence? Intelligence implies there may be reasoning with him, that he may show mercy, that he is not controlled by a blood lust -- and that doesn't fit in with Caesar's myth.

And that's what's most notable about the myth of Lanius -- that it's weaponised. Where Vulpes and Caesar's mythology is to elevate them within the Legion and command respect and loyalty, Lanius' myth also serves to frighten the enemy. The tribes surely hear about Lanius long before the Legion arrive to assimilate them, and you'd be a fool to resist when you know that the Legion meets resistance with Lanius. The NCR soldiers on the field may think Caesar is just an old man who's full of shit and that Vulpes is just another twink who chose murder instead of therapy, but Lanius? They've all heard about Lanius. They've seen the reports. They've heard the stories about how he crushed a trooper's head in his fist like it was a mutfruit, how a First Recon sniper saw it from miles away and didn't even need her scope to know it was him because he's so fucking huge that he's almost as big as someone in power armor. Caesar was faced with a humiliating defeat, one so monumental that it threatened the foundation that his Legion's army was built on, and he needed to not only ensure his men would hold none of the doubts that Graham may have sewn with them, but he needed the NCR to know that as fierce as Graham was, he was hardly a loss to the Legion because his alternative is far, far worse. (And this is without going into how Caesar used myth adversely to defame Joshua Graham and ensure that the loss of the first battle was the fault of an individual and nothing else that could shake the loyalty of the men.)

So when it comes to The Courier, what is her use once Hoover Dam is won? Caesar has an interesting situation on his hands -- to simply treat the Courier as he would any other amicus or ally would raise questions. The women would get ideas of their own, and some of the men may start to ask questions about what else women may bring to combat; and they may just be questions, but questions are extremely dangerous when you're running an operation like the Legion. Questions quickly become discussions, which turn into arguments, which turns into infighting and dissent.

Caesar could always assimilate the Courier, offer her a good position as an officer's wife (maybe even his own) simply as a political arrangement. She would have her freedoms without conflicting with the Legion. She could act as a good example for other women living in Legion territory, 'be a good woman and demonstrate your loyalty and you, too, can find a good match who'll treat you far better than the women who resist. If you're as lucky as me, your husband might even allow you your freedoms and lavish you in gifts and luxury.' Simultaneously, the Courier could act as a promise to the men, 'be loyal in your service to Caesar and your victories will be rewarded with a wife as honorable and exalted as the Courier, a strong woman who will bear strong children and bring honour to your bloodline, not to be shared with other men like a slave, but reserved for you and you alone.' But the burning question here is if the Courier would want that, if she'd even consider agreeing to it. It's such a loaded proposal that even asking it is a gamble. Caesar has learned what this woman is capable of and while he wouldn't say that he fears her, offending the woman who all but secured victory in his campaign for the Mojave is not a good idea. She may not be able to burn the Legion down herself, but the men know she exists and have fought beside her and can and will bear witness to her works -- and this is not someone Caesar wants talking shit about him, because that word will eventually travel back to his men, which, again, results in questions.

As for allowing women to participate in battle in her honor? The problem there is that women being barred from combat isn't because Caesar takes issue with it -- it's purely practical concern, part of his commitment to minmax, the practice of ensuring maximum efficiency, of securing maximum payoff, of wasting nothing, including a womb. Anyone can stand on a frontline and try to stick some dipshit from California with the point end of a spear, but bearing children? That is only something that women can do, and it's a biological limitation that Caesar cannot change. You put a man in combat with the understanding that he's likely to die -- if he doesn't? That's a bonus. To put a woman in that position is not to just waste a combat unit, it's to waste a uterus, it's to waste potential children, future legionaries that are needed to replace the ones you're losing in combat. The Legion has just gone through a major war campaign and they need to replenish their numbers desperately. Will women be ruled out of combat forever? Maybe one day, when birth-rates are stabilized and the population is sustainable -- Caesar isn't a fucking idiot, he's probably more than aware that by excluding women from combat, the Legion is missing out on women who are potentially just as capable as Vulpes or Lanius. But until then? It's unlikely to be something he thinks he can afford.

So what option does that leave? Throw a collar on her and have her dragged to an auction block if she won't assimilate willingly and without complaint? He knows better than that -- she'd either radicalise and organize the women into a violent rebellion (or suicide pact) before she even got out of the holding pen, or murder whoever won her the second he gets his dick out. And that's without going into the question of how the men would react to seeing The Courier, The Courier who chose the Legion and did all that for them, in a slave collar like any regular fucking woman from some deadshit tribe. To sacrifice so much, to fight to hard and be so loyal and not be rewarded but enslaved? What kind of message does that send, even if the Courier's does have ripe ovaries?

The Courier would need to be an exception to the rule -- the same way that Vulpes was an exception to the rule when Caesar chose to spare him from execution, the same way that Lanius was an exception to the rule when Caesar chose to reward an exceptional warrior rather than make an example of a disobedient tribal conquest. When Vulpes became an exception, he became a myth. When Lanius became an exception, he became a myth. To make The Courier a myth is to elevate her above the other women as an exceptional creature, something so very above them that she is the one case where keeping her off the field would be far more of a waste than not putting a child in her. It would send a clear message to his men that this woman is unlike the others, hand picked by the son of mars, and you are to listen to her as you would Lanius or Vulpes. The Courier is not to be disrespected, disobeyed or touched. If even a woman can rise above her station and become a hero of the Legion with a coin minted in her honor, what excuse do you have? The Courier chose to be exceptional, and your own position or failure to thrive is born of your own choice to not excel as she or Vulpes or Lanius has. To be exceptional is a choice, and that is why Caesar hand picked the chosen he did -- because they understood that.

The Courier becomes myth, an both an example of potential and an example of the unattainable at once. Something so exalted that for the other women to think they could achieve the same to rebel would be unrealistic, that the men would dare not assume themselves worthy enough to be entitled to her the way they may be any other woman in their midsts, be it as a conquest or a concubine or even a wife.

So, no, I don't think Caesar would change the rules for the Courier. I think Caesar would do as he did for Vulpes and Lanius and use exceptionalism to simultaneously keep the status quo while also making it perfectly clear that while those rules apply to everyone else, they don't apply to the Courier.

I think about this a lot.

I know this is unhinged I'm sorry I'm just sitting here rambling like a nutjob while I wait for this thing to download.

[hisokas-toybox]

Headcanons series: The Zoldyck children and their sibling dynamics. Part 3 Killua

Killua

Illumi - I could easily write a whole essay on this, so I'll try to keep it short. We know that Illumi was responsible for raising and training Killua when he was younger. I think as a kid Killua found this annoying and probably rebelled/didn't listen. I think that maybe one day he took it too far though, maybe putting himself in danger? And so Illumi punished him. Hard. (I imagine Illumi would delegate most of Killua's punishments to Milluki, since he was too fond of Killua to hurt him, but when he did punish him himself he was always careful to hold back). I think that once Illumi did snap and punish Killua severely, Killua realised how truly strong his eldest brother was and how terrifying he could be. The sass stopped. Killua became afraid of Illumi, more than anyone else he'd ever faced. Even now, having learned nen and without Illumi manipulating him with a needle, Killua still fears Illumi. He resents him for the way he treats Alluka and for all the controlling BS he says/does. But when it comes to facing him Killua would rather run away than fight. I doubt Killua would ever try to defeat Illumi, partly out of fear, but also because he knows his family's rules. If he killed Illumi his family would ALL turn against him and want him dead. In some ways he also knows that he is protected from Illumi by the same rules. If Illumi were to be killed by someone outside the family though? (Hisoka maybe?) I'm not sure how Killua would feel. Relieved? Grief? It would be very complicated.

Milluki - Even though I headcanon Milluki as being the one to punish Killua most often, I actually don't think Killua feels any worse towards Milluki for it. I think Killua feels pretty ambivalent towards Milluki overall. Killua knows they're maybe about equal in strength right now, and that he has a lot more potential than Milluki in the long term. I think Killua finds Milluki a little pathetic. He can see that Milluki is jealous of him and that Milluki overestimates himself, so I think Killua enjoys winding him up and rubbing his own "favourite child" status in Milluki's face. However, he is careful not to overdo it, because ultimately he has a give/take relationship with Milluki, and if they were to ever seriously fall out he'd lose some pretty sweet benefits. E.g. occasionally if Milluki gets bored of a game/console/really cool weapon he'll pass it down to Killua. In return, Killua acts as a lookout/covers up for Milluki when their parents start snooping (sending him discreet warnings if he sees/hears any signs of a room sweep/hiding things Milluki doesn't want their parents to know about and providing distractions etc)

Alluka - Adores her. Would die for her in a heartbeat and spoils her rotten! She was his first younger sibling, and so the first taste of responsibility for another person he got was having her around (he was too young to be responsible for her the way Illumi was with him, but damn if he didn't try to be the best big brother ever!) Because she's younger too, she was the first one who he could actually be a child around, getting some freedom to play with her like a regular child. Those are some of his fondest memories. He's so protective of her, there is a slight chance he could accidentally end up becoming toxic with his efforts to keep her safe as she gets older and more independent (he did learn mostly from Illumi and they are related so it's not too much of a stretch) but hopefully he'll know better than to go too far. He's the only Zoldyck who sees Alluka as not just a girl, or sister, but as a person and it makes him SO MAD when any of the other Zoldycks refer to her as "it" or as their "brother." Kalluto - Like Milluki, Killua doesn't really trust Kalluto. He doesn't find him "creepy" the way Milluki does but he's aware of how close to their mother Kalluto is and seeing as he really doesn't like his mother, he also tries to avoid Kalluto as he seems to just be her little pet. Killua was a little older when Kalluto was born. Killua was starting to question his loyalty and interest in his family's business so he was cautious not to get too attached to the new arrival in case his parents tried to use it to control him and force him into being a babysitter. Plus, with how badly his family treated Alluka to that point he was afraid that if he got too attached to this kid, he might "lose" him too. I really hope that as he gets older, Killua will realise that Kalluto is just as much a child and a victim of his parents (and Illumi's) influence as both he and Alluka were, and I hope he'll make some kind of effort to "save" and protect Kalluto the same way he is with Alluka. He'd have a lot of work to do to gain Kalluto's trust and establish a relationship with him though, but I really hope to see it happen because Kalluto is just too precious!

[ferindencadash]

twenty questions for fic writers!

Tagged by @samuelroukin 🙏❤️

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

14

2. what's your total ao3 word count?

78,977

3. what fandoms do you write for?

So far just Mass Effect, Dragon Age, and Baldur's Gate

4. top five fics by kudos

A Port in the Storm - Mass Effect - FShep/pre-embodied EDI

Blood and Flesh - BG3 - Durgetash

Stockholm - Mass Effect - FShep/Zaeed

The Crack in Everything - Mass Effect - FShep/Ashley

Stitched Together - Mass Effect - MShep/James

5. do you respond to comments?

Always. My favourite thing about fanfic is connecting with people. I've made some amazing friends through the comments section.

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Blood and Flesh for sure. It's Durgetash hate-fucking so... 😅I think all my other fics at least have a hopeful/bittersweet ending.

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

If you count the sort-of epilogue in the author notes, Stockholm. They fuckin earned it after the shit I put them through. 👀 If you don't count that, probably Cold Feet.

8. do you get hate on fics?

Not yet! Knock on wood, because I will cry. 🥲 I'm pretty careful with tagging, I think that helps.

9. do you write smut?

Almost exclusively. 😅 It's usually mixed with plot though.

10. craziest crossover:

I haven't written one yet, but I do have this incredibly stupid Mass Effect/Letterkenny fic somewhat plotted out. 😂 Target audience of one (me), right there.

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of. Much like my identity, I can't imagine anyone wanting to claim that for themselves. 😂

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope!

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have! It was fun but also incredibly stressful, so I probably wouldn't do it again.

14. all time favorite ship?

Shepard(any gender)/Kaidan/James. I could write essays on them. Ironically I have yet to publish a fic with them (though I have one in the works right now!) mostly because the standard I've set for myself with them is entirely too high. I blame PossumBones for writing them so perfectly I could never compare.

15. what's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I have an unhealthy amount of wips, but I don't want to give up on any of them permanently. The one that I most want to write, but is giving me the hardest time is my FShep/Aria piece, even though it's a short one-shot. I think because it has almost zero dialogue, and dialogue is the part I'm best at. 😅 But it's such a good little piece in my head. I just need to get better at writing before I can do it justice I think.

16. what are your writing strengths?

As above, dialogue. It always flows the easiest for me, and I'm usually quite happy with the end result. I've been told a lot that I'm good at nailing the character voices, which is very important to me. I spend HOURS listening to in-game dialogues before/while writing scenes, until I can hear them talking in my head.

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

Pacing, I think. I rush too much. (I have the same problem with my academic papers) I try to slow down and add more detail, but I get bored. 😅 I'm working on it...

18. thoughts on dialogue in another language?

I end up doing it quite a bit (if only in short bursts) because of James Vega. It's forced me to pick up Spanish again. I'm definitely not fluent, but I'm improving!

19. first fandom you wrote in?

Mass Effect. A Port in the Storm was my first piece I ever wrote. I published it just under a year ago. I actually just checked, and my first fic anniversary is exactly one week away! 🎂 I don't care if it's cheesy, I'm honestly really proud of myself for what I've accomplished in a year.

20. favorite fic you've written?

Stitched Together. I really, really love it. I wish more people would read it. 😅 It actually has started to pick up a little bit of attention in the last couple of weeks (just pushing it to my top five!), I'm not sure why, but every kudos that pops up on it makes me ridiculously happy.

I think my anxiety is officially too high to tag people today. 🥲 I always feel like I'm harassing people (even though I love getting tagged). So, please, seriously, if you want to play PLEASE DO and please please tag me (mutual or not) so I can read your answers! I honestly love reading these things.

[nightcrawlerzincorporated]

i hate times up me and all my homies hate times up

also gonna throw the janitor always mops twice in here cuz i wanna hear u talk abt it. disappointment central right there

Oh boy. Disagree. I like BOTH those episodes. Sorry, I know you wanted hate but I can only give love.

I will explain myself.

Times Up: I actually in my drafts have a huge essay about Times Up half finished that I hope to finish some day soon because I have so many thoughts about it but for this post I will try and keep it brief. Key word being TRY as I could talk for days about Times Up haha.

I get a lot of people hate it for shipping reasons but if you take a step back from that it's a really good episode about sexual assault imo. (tw for discussions about fictional sexual assault and how the episode comments on real assault ahead)

The fact that the episode takes place in a sexual assault seminar about workplace sexual harassment highlights the fact that the gang are all coworkers, reminding the audience that that adds a specific dynamic to the ways the gang treat one another, even as lifelong friends. Now, I will talk about the shipping more in that essay I'm writing, but for now I want to talk about the episode outside of that. Each character represents a different version of sexual harassment/assault.

Mac is careless, doing things like lifting Dee into the air by her crotch or trying to kiss Dennis not because he wants to harm either of them, but because he does things without thinking a lot of the time and is very impulsive (which is very in character for him imo!). But regardless of his motivation, those two things are still both sexual harassment.

Charlie thinks he stalked (is it actually canon that he stopped stalking her after they slept together or does he still do it? that was always unclear to me) The Waitress as a sign of love, as a lot of stalkers do. Again, something that's been very consistent with his character. But just like with Mac, his motivation doesn't matter, his actions do.

Frank is of course our stereotypical Quid Pro Quo case, more obviously in your face about the way he harmed women who worked under him at his old company. I get why some wouldn't find the way they use that for comic relief funny, but I personally like the way they handle it--there's never a doubt in anyone's mind that Frank hurt those women, and the joke is always on Frank finally feeling the heat he deserves for what he did to them and not on the victims. It doesn't matter that that was "what the times were like back that", Frank deserves to at the very least feel shitty for what he did. His part also highlights exactly why some states want to get rid of statute of limitation laws--which yeah! They should get rid of them! Because of the exact reason the episode shows--just because it happened years ago doesn't mean it didn't happen.

Dee spends the whole episode on her high horse because she sees the issue as a women vs men issue (as a lot of people do!) and doesn't think that she could ever possibly be persecuted since she's a woman. But that doesn't matter--she's still canonically assaulted multiple men! And I know some people don't like that they had it be that she raped Charlie specifically but I think it was a good writing decision. Here me out. The vast majority of rape is perpetrated by family members or close friends, because those are most often the people who are close enough to us to cause that kind of harm and manipulate victims into staying quiet. The reveal that Dee raped Charlie is another hard hitting point the episode is making about SA--that you can be friends with someone, even have romantic chemistry with them, but that doesn't excuse raping them. Even if, as in Dee's case, she didn't really think about what she was doing or conceptualize it as rape until it was pointed out to her. The point is that none of the characters THINK they are perpetrators, that they all have reasons and excuses that justify the things they do (just like real life perpetrators always have some sort of internal reason justifying their actions), but that doesn't change the facts of what they did. If the fact that all the characters are perpetrators to some degree makes you comfortable--good! It should! It's trying to challenge perceptions about assault, challenge the idea of what a victim looks like, what a perpetrator looks like, how the same person can be both a victim and a perpetrator, and to show how normalized assault is in the gang's lives and in society in general.

Now, savvy readers may have noticed I haven't mentioned Dennis yet. And that's because I think a lot of people misunderstand the way Dennis is being used in this episode, so I wanted to lay the groundwork for his section first. A lot of people dislike that Dennis is the one to point out the flaws of the others and the fact that Dennis is the one who set up the seminar when he's the worst of them all but--that's kind of the point. Dennis commits serial sexual assault and is able to get away with it because he cloaks himself in the progressive language of the MeToo movement and falsifies evidence. Dennis is the most dangerous of all because unlike the others, he DOES understand consent, he is FULLY AWARE that what he's doing is assault and therefor knows exactly what he needs to do to legally hide it. Dennis is NOT supposed to be in the right here. Like the audience surrogates (the people hired to teach the seminar), we are supposed to think Dennis is an idiot and kind of terrifying, not agree with everything he says just because he knows which words to use.

A lot of people call this episode "wildly out of character" but I don't understand that at all--it follows up on things which have been previously established with each character. The whole point is that the world is changing, they can't keep treating people and each other the way they do and keep expecting to get away with it. Even for someone like Dennis who has a whole system of manipulation and all these practiced ways not to get caught Time. Is. UP! The point is that, while Dennis may be better at getting away with shit than the others, that doesn't mean he's safe and that's a good thing. It feels very hopeful to me. And yeah I think it's funny. I know that's very subjective so I don't really know how to explain beyond "it makes me hahaha".

Mops Twice: I'm not sure why this episode would be considered "disappointing" (I'd love to know why you describe it that way!) because I think it's super fun. I love the references to the way old films were edited and shot, I love the whole grey-scale with red thing the episode has going on--it gives it a very unique flavor. I love the costumes, I love the way Charlie's narration is written like he's a detective in an old serial. I love the twist that The Waitress is running things and poisoning people It's so girlboss of her and one of the most fun things they've done with her character imo. I know people don't like that The Waitress is flirty with Charlie, but that's because the episode is from Charlie's perspective, it's how he interprets their probably not at all actually flirty interactions. Plus this episode is just really funny to me. My wife and I quote "bleach, the universal poison antidote" at each other all the time. I love Charlie focused episodes and this is no exception. And I love when they do new and more out there things like this too. I think it's part of what gives the series it's personality and I love it.

[reineyday]

ppl who think billy hargrove not being racist means he's ooc either 1) dont understand how writing a consistent character works, or 2) believe that being racist is strictly a personality trait, and dear god i hope it's the former.

(long post) (seriously, it's like, a short essay lol)

see, the beautiful thing about fanfiction is that you can place your blorbos in a whole bunch of Situations, and if you're a good writer--or at least understand the character well enough--it wont be ooc even if their Situation is diametrically opposed to anything they might ever do in canon.

billy is a metalhead in canon, but you could write an au where he's in a pop music teen boy band with steve and eddie and argyle and jonathan. as long as billy remains loud and proud about his music taste, plays his (pop) music loud enough to drown out anyone he doesnt want to hear talking to him (itd be funny if it was his own voice in the song too lol), is pretty mean on first impression, and still generally has a lot of friction with the people around him, i wouldnt actually drop the fic bc i found it ooc. as much as your music taste can say a lot about you, if you underdstand a character well enough, keeping the rest of the things about that character consistent and giving an understandable background to all the things that might be different at first glance, then it's not really out of character at all.

so if we're talking about canon billy being ooc for not being racist, youd really have to read the fic. a billy who, immediately after the incident at the byers house, gets a stern talking-to from max and/or steve (and/or neil? which, doubtful, but idk how billy haters write fics lol) and then turns around to grovel at lucas's feet and pronounces to the world that racism is wrong and he's learned his lesson once and for all and also he'll never be mean to any of the kids ever again? yeah, i would call that ooc.

a billy that gets dragged through hell and back and sees and understands that his violent actions not only have consequences but reflect those of his own abuser's at home? or a billy that ends up reluctantly becoming fond of the kids as he inadvertently has to shepherd them through tunnels with steve and beat up demodogs so he can bring maxine home safe? or a billy that meets patrick from the basketball team and recognizes the kinds of bruises he sees in the locker room on him bc he has his own, and then learns what it means to see someone as a person? or even a billy who gets called the f-slur consistently by his own father, learning to see bigotry in other forms and recognizing it in himself, gets given the emotional support and physical safety by joyce or jim or steve, and in the end consciously chooses to be different than his father now that he has the safety to do so?

if any of those billy's go up to lucas after everything and looks him in the eye and apologizes and says he's trying to do better, especially if he does it in a way that's rough around the edges--i wouldnt call any of those ooc. it's all hard-won. it's all still billy, but he grows as a character, which i assume is the goal in general when writing characters.

this brings me to the second point. this is the one i personally hc, but i dont think it's ooc to assume billy's less maliciously racist, and more racist as a way to (unconsciosly) parrot his obviously bigoted and domineering father. billy's probably racist in the way most people dont realize they have racial bias (i would say most white people, but im aware this is true for poc of all sorts assuming things about other poc--and even about themselves with their own race and culture--simply through lack of personal experience, knowledge, or being othered by society/their environment to the point of internalized self-hatred), and probably more grievously again bc his father seems like such a bigot. i personally think the racism comes in part and parcel of the way he manhandles max and gets aggressive at first sign of his losing power in a situation: because that's how his own father does things to exert power over billy. he's acting the only way he's seen exemplified in front of him. (let's remember he is a teenager who has been in an abusive environment his whole life, with no confirmed emotional support of any kind.)

i hc billy to be about as racist as he is terrifyingly repressed after being called the f-slur and insulted for being effeminate by his father all his life. all that insulting about being effeminate probably also means he comes off as sexist too. he doesnt necessarily want to be any of these things, and would consciously learn to be better once he's made aware and has people in his life he wants to be better for, but he is these things as an unfortunate byproduct of the way he grew up.

but we saw billy try to protect his mother as a child, and face up to the mindflayer--a monster that possessed him, that he had no clue about or any context for bc he didnt know about the upside down at all--in order to protect el. it's not a far leap to think he would want to change and protect, to stand up and be better, if given the chance and the support.

so i personally hc that while billy might do racist things, he is not, as a trait, inherently maliciously bigoted. my way of viewing billy has always been that anything bigoted he might do or think stems from his father, and if he gets given support and safety away from his father, i think billy would choose to be different from his dad and do the hard work of extracting himself from that bigotry and becoming better as a person. (see also: homophobic steve from s1 turning into robin's biggest cheerleader in s4.)

it's all about the context, and things like music taste or racial bias can change if your context changes. but if most of your other character traits--your aggression and peacocking, your tendency toward sarcasm, penchant for overt flirting, your determination or bravery or recklessness, etc etc--if those stay consistent while some other things change, and you get context for the changes, then it's not ooc.

now, how does this relate to my 2nd point? if you read all that context and decide that it's still objectively ooc simply for the fact that billy's not racist, then you're viewing racism as an inherent personality trait--everyone that ever does anything racist is automatically racist to the bone and cannot change.

i find that worrisome.

okay it's one thing if you're the poc in question being targeted by the racism. ive been talking about billy this entire time, but i also 100p believe lucas has every right to never want anything to do with billy ever again. he can say no to any apology he might receive. he's protecting himself and that's valid. if someone's racist toward you, especially aggressively, you obviously have every right to never want to have to do anything with them ever again. in real life situations, protect yourself first.

but i want to caution those who think that racism is a character trait to remember that you can do racist things and not consider yourself racist. my worry is that people ignore racist microaggressions to preserve their belief that theyre not racist.

taken as an example from my own life: if you're going to insist that a certain food from a certain culture is "weird" and then say over and over that you didnt mean it in a bad way but cmon you have to admit that it is a bit a weird, and then you get all uppity when i express my concerns and unhappiness about the way youre talking about how i grew up and defend the fact that youre right and the food is weird? yeah see that's shitty. all because you dont want to admit that maybe youve said or done something a little bit racist, cuz obviously youre not a racist, it's not one of your personality traits. you might feel better about defending your identity as not-a-racist, but in the end all you did was ignore what a poc was trying to tell you about how they felt, which is so frustrating to deal with as a poc.

yeah, bigotry can be a personality trait, but it isnt always. sometimes it's an action or some words coming from a person who doesnt realize that theyre being bigoted.

billy is a fictional character. you can interpret him however you want, and indeed, you can make him as nasty a racist as you choose to. you can write him as killing children if you want, seeing as how so many antis insist on calling him a child murderer (even though he's been a lifeguard so if anything he's saved children's lives--and this is not including how we see him on screen literally saving el's life, who is also a child).

also, if his racist actions made you super uncomfortable, it's perfectly okay to call him a racist and move on with your life. that's not a problem until you start harassing people for being racist because they like billy--then, like a microaggression, you become the problem because you're unilaterally deciding who is racist based off a fictional character, and youre harrassing a real life person for it. furthermore ive seen plenty of poc billy stans be called a racist by antis who insist that anyone who likes billy is a racist. again, you're just not listening to poc for some sort of fake moral superiority, which is not cool.

after looking at the environment billy grew up in and continues to exist inside, and his actions toward el and the way he used to treat his mother (before she left him), i choose to believe that even though the way he treated lucas was racist, he can step up and change if given the opportunity.

if you still think that it's not possible for him to stop being racist without it being out of character, please re-examine your own thoughts and actions, stay conscious about listening to people of colour, and remember that people who dont consider themselves racist can still do racist things. bigotry isnt always a character trait okay? it's the way you treat other people. it's not in any way out of character to believe--or write--that someone who's done racist things can change.

[alexandriteobscuraarchive]

You and @guardianofyesod (upcoming pun completely intended and correct btw) are literal shining stars in the tcol community on the whole and for your amazing writing. And while you might not believe this coming from an anon but I've read all of your stuff (your Kariom is phenomenal and that's just the beginning of what I could say) and you deserve all of the recognition from the fandom and that absolutely includes @lingrimmart. Both of you do. The fandom is made better by your love and content.

((That....that truly truly truly means the world to me to hear you say that and I mean it. Honestly, I don't think I'm capable of properly expressing how deeply grateful I am but I'll try. You made me legitimately cry at work you absolute villain lol.

The sheer amount of effort that @guardianofyesod and I have put into into tcol---from understanding and theorizing about the lore, talking about the characters (and I mean literally everyone, not just our chosen muses, but we do talk about them the most), working on how we want to write them both separately and together, the intricate details that could easily be missed that we want others to notice and appreciate (honestly I could give you a veritable essay on JUST the character work we've done---especially in regards to my partner's work and sheer, undeniable love put towards Roui), etc, etc, is something that I legitimately cannot do with anyone else. They match my efforts and enthusiasm in a way that I'm incapable of doubting for even a second and that's something that's always on full display whether we're having an hours long ooc discussion or writing ic content on our blogs.

And I know---I'm really do know---that such dedication is a lot for people. It's a lot to keep up and a lot for the people just reading or interacting with our stuff to deal with but that's where the love comes in. If we didn't feel so strongly about this game; literally everything about it but especially the characters, it'd be hard but it's honestly the easiest thing in the world? The devs made it easy and so did my wonderful writing partner. The dedication and love is incredibly clear on both sides (but from us as fandom creators and from the actual creators themselves) and it's impossible not to react to that. I, personally, haven't been this excited or inspired by a game in the longest time and if I didn't act on that passion I knew I'd regret it. The drive that we have towards bringing these characters and the tcol world to life on our blogs and with our writing is legit a fraction of what it deserves on the whole and I can only fuckin hope that I succeed at it on my end of things. I can tell you that, even with my own personal doubts, I'm always trying to showcase 110% of how this has all effected me, especially in regards to portraying Kariom. I know @guardianofyesod succeeds at it because I've gotten to witness it firsthand and even be involved which feels like an honor at this point, that's how much it all means to me if that puts it into further perspective.

I know that I'm rambling on (and to an excess too, lol) but I didn't want to just thank you, you know? I'm not kidding when I say that you made me emotional (in a good way, don't worry!) and I just.....had to match your heartfelt enthusiasm with my own. The tcol fandom in particular, no matter how small it is, no matter if @guardianofyesod and I are the only people on the rp side of things, is incredibly special to me. As I said I haven't been this happy or inspired in an incredibly long time and that's thanks to the kindness of people like you, the devs (especially Lins, the opportunity of talking to them alone much less them following me + engaging with my content and talking to me about it and stuff in general still....floors me tbh and that's putting it incredibly lightly! Thank you so much!!!) and @guardianofyesod and I know merely saying thanks doesn't cover it, I know I need a better, stronger word for such a feeling, so I'll thank you all by continuing with...this. All of this. I'll always try to emulate and showcase that love and dedication because I wouldn't be able to write any of this stuff, no matter the character (but we all know who my two faves are lol) without you guys.))

[lenievi]

Hi!

I've looked it up in the Help center and it can be that your settings are set to not receiving messages from blogs you are not subscribed to? Or maybe I am just actually shadowbanned, who knows.

What you say about the show makes me sad and happy at the same time. I definitely would love to see as much of Kirk-centerd content as possible, because a) he is hot and I mean not only by his looks b) he differs the most from his fanon version I think and I like him better in the show c) I suppose he is a perfectly typical character for the 60's and I've read that Spock's inner conflict and it's popularity among the viewers was unpredictable, but ironically 60 years later the spockian type of character is familiar to me, but I have never actually seen a character like Kirk (probably because it's super old-fashioned lol) so yeah, I'm exited :>

But I will miss the McKirk interactions as well. I think there are not enough of them now, I hoped there will be more and not fewer :( And that exactly because of their complicated friendship as you described it (btw, sorry, I haven't made myself clear: I didn't meen that you saw any sexual relationships in the show, I meant that I haven't thought about them at all). Sometimes I just want to watch them interact but sometimes I just... I know it's silly but I always get offended on McCoy's behalf so sometimes I think it would be cool when after Kirk apologizes McCoy wouldn't forgive him right away because I am still angry at Kirk. My heart breaks every time Bones backpedals to "sir/captain". If I could write I would once write a sweet revenge fic, but now I think it doesn't contradict mckirk (don't listen to me, I'm just rambling ^^")

But overall I just think that sexual drive simplifies things, you know? In a story at least, because we have like set frames of how a romantic/sexual relationship should feel like and play out, but we have much less rules abot describing a strong friendship. That gives room to a lot of nuances (in theory) but I personally would never write something this complicated and I doubt that many people would. So romantic love it is.

Ok, I have to stop myself now before I write you another ill-structured essay. But do you have any thoughts about het-relationships (in canon or fanon)? I would be interested to hear them :)

P.S.: I wouldn't like to appear a creep but I've seen your post about discord. My friend made me recently create an account there and I was wondering how I could use it. It appears that I can use it to ask you if you would like to watch TOS with me someday? I mean, for you it would be rewatching and possibly in the wrong order (apparently not in the production one), but, yeah, anyway. *makes an awkward courtesy and disappers*

No, anyone can send messages to me. I tried sending a message to you, but tumblr says you don't exist. Trying to mention you like @justyouwaitenryiggins also doesn't work… but yeah, like I said, feel free to send a discord friend request! And we can talk over there!

Yes, Kirk as a character is really great in the show when you actually allow yourself to see the show without the preconcieved notions from pop-culture/fanon (but I also understand why some people don't like him, and I think your "he's old-fashioned" figures into it. You might see posts by me where I'm like wtf Kirk; I've had and still have a very complicated relationships with Kirk). I also agree that nowadays a character like Kirk is hard to recreate, because of those old-fashioned ways - positive and negative, and any modern Kirk needs to be tweaked to fit modern times. (At least I've been thinking around these lines for a while, especially in regards to the newest iteration lol)

Oh, it's not as if they aren't there, they're just less. It's just that they can sometimes be overshadowed (hence why it's the least popular), but if you pay attention, it's there, always. There's still a lot of scenes and moments to look forward to! They really have such a nice relationship throughout the whole show, and in the tos movies as well!

"I always get offended on McCoy's behalf" hahaha I know there's a lot of people like that, especially if their fave character is McCoy, but for me, it's a part of their dynamic, and a reason why I like it. But I'm also just a fan of messed-up relationships in general…

I personally don't think that sex simplifies things, but I also personally prefer to write stories that aren't traditional romantic/sexual relationships… which is why I like spones because I hc Spock on the aroace spectrum (and when I write McCoy with Spock, he's also somewhere on the spectrum), so it allows me to explore different aspects of "romance" that doesn't necessarily need to be traditional or follow a certain formula. With mckirk, it's different though... I'd actually love to write just platonic spones or mckirk but…. sometimes the characters want to kiss (or more). It's not my fault lol

I don't mind essays LOL I'm also better at rambling when I get a concrete topic, but if you search T'Pring on my blog, you'll probably find some posts on how I love Spock/T'Pring (but there might be also some Strange New Worlds spoilers) I'm also a fan of Kirk/Rand (Kirk's strong interest in Rand was basically the reason why I started to ship spones when I watched TOS for the first time, despite coming into TOS with aos!mckirk bias) - you could see me putting it into the Conscience of the King coda too. And I like several of Kirk's relationships with women in the show. If you're interested in something specific, just ask!

LOL I rewatch random TOS episodes all the time. I do think about the "continuity" in the production order, but I watch randomly now. There are some episodes I don't want to rewatch because I either find them boring or for other reasons, though.

[jackharlou]

Can you write something where Jack and reader get into an argument (try not to make him unrealistically harsh) but the reader starts crying and Jack feels bad so he goes out and buys her flowers and a gift and she’s emotional about it because nobody has ever done that before

"but why is he texting you?" - Jack asked raising his voice a tiny bit.

He wasn't the jealous type, but he had his insecurities when it comes to being in a relationship, specially knowing that there are guys who are into you and that are able to be close to you, something he couldn't do all the time due to his work.

"Jack, we go to the same class. We have to make an essay that we need to send as soon as possible, that's why he's texting me"

"out of all the people in that class, you two got paired together, that's funny" - he was getting more and more into your nerves with each word that came from his mouth.

"If you have an issue with that then go talk to my professor, he did the pairing, and even if we had the chance to do it ourselves, I would have chosen him. He's a great friend and an even better student, yes, he did wrong when he kissed me but he didn't know I'm in a relationship. Besides, being paired with him is something I could use because I've missed so many lessons because I'm following my stubborn boyfriend around all the time"

"now it's my fault? I never asked you to follow me" - he said with a sarcastic laugh.

"you're right, I'm the stupid one. What an idiot, chasing a man that will never put an ounce of his trust in me because he has fucked so many relationships that he thinks every girl he meets will do the same to him" - at this point you were tired of fighting with him, so you stood, grabbing everything you brought with you to the studio.

"where are you going? I'm guessing to meet with him"

You turned before opening the door, and with tears falling down from your eyes you said - "actually, I am. I'm going to finish my homework and go home, alone, because I don't want to be with anyone tonight, that includes you. I love you Jack, so fucking bad, and because I love you it hurts me that you can't trust me. I don't think I've ever given you reasons to doubt me or us, but if you really feel like I'm not trustworthy or loyal to you then let's just end this here, because I'm not going to live fighting against a wall that keeps closing on me" - when he noticed things could end there because of his insecurities, he stood, walking towards you, maybe to hold you and say sorry, but you wouldn't know because you stopped him before he could get closer - "have a good night"

His heart broke when he realized he could lose you over a stupid thought, but it was too late to run behind you because the team entered the studio, ready to work, but he promised himself he would fix his mess, including his insecurities.

So, later that night you were alone in bed, scrolling through your Instagram app when you heard your ring bell. When you opened the door the first thing you saw was a huge bouquet of flowers covering the face of the person holding it, but you didn't need to see it to know who it was.

"I thought I said I wanted to be alone" - you said harshly, making him feel so small, even though he was way bigger than you.

"I know, but I couldn't let this go for longer. I fucked up, and I'm so so sorry" - he said giving you that puppy look you couldn't resist - "can we please talk? I'll leave as soon as you want me to"

You thought about it for a second, you didn't want to hear him, in all honesty, but you also knew that a successful relationship is based in many things, including communication, so you just moved to the side and let him come in, closing the door behind him.

"give me that" - you basically snatched the flowers from his hands. You were mad at him but you couldn't deny the flowers were insanely beautiful. You found a vase to put them in and after filling it with water, you placed them in your living room. You sat on your couch and got comfortable - "I'm all ears"

He sat right next to you, leaving some space in between to not over step your boundaries - "I'm sorry. I truly am. I trust you, but you're right, I have fucked so many girls and relationships that I know karma is going to get me at some point and fuck me where it hurts the most and you are the only person that could hurt me. I also get jealous because you have all this friends, male friends, that get to be with you, take you out for dinner or drinks, or take you to the movies. They can do things with you that I can't do because I can't do normal things or I'm just not here. I feel at some point you'll get tired of waiting or following me and will fall for someone who can give you what you deserve"

You did see where he was coming from and you somehow understood him - "I don't want to sound mean, but that's a you problem, not mine, so stop making me look and feel like the villain, like the issue, when I know I'm not. I'm not your personal karma, Jack. I love you, only you. I love you with the crazy schedule and little time you have. I love you with your hectic life and career. I would trade all the silly dates for just a night in with you because I don't care where we are, what we are doing or who we are with, I only care about you. I don't care if you have a dollar or a million, I will love you the same. I truly don't know how to make you see that I'm here for you, that I love you, that I see you in my future"

"you're right. It's not you, it's something I have to work on"

"and I'm here to help with that, but please don't throw it on me, because I would never do anything in purpose to hurt you"

"can I kiss you?" - he asked, being respectful of the distance you clearly wanted between you two. You nodded, making him move slowly, cup your face between his hands and placing his soft lips on yours - "I love you like I've never loved anyone in my entire life"

You pulled him closer towards you, hugging his body and burying your face on his neck - "I love you too, Jack, I do hope you understand one day how much"

He pulled back, taking out a little box from the pocket of his jacket - "don't panic" - he said laughing after seeing how wide your eyes got. He opened the box for you, revealing a tiny ring with the letter J on it, formed with little and very shiny diamonds - "I want to give you this as a sign of me making a promise to you; I promise to give all of me to you, the good and the bad, and I promise to work hard on turning the bad into something I can learn and grow from. Maybe it's too soon but I also promise to replace this ring with something bigger and more meaningful one day"

It was your turn now to cup his face on your hands and kiss him while a few tears fell down your cheeks.

"you don't like it?" - he asked a little scared.

"no, no. It's not that" - you said caressing his cheek with one hand and holding his free hand with the other - "I never had someone put this much effort for me and it just feels good. It feels good to notice the way someone loves you"

"it does" - he whispered on your lips, before kissing you again. He could truly feel how much you loved him, something that made him love you even harder. The rest was something he knew he could work on and fix. You deserved him growing and being a better and more mature partner and he was going to give you that.

[danhowellz]

okay so strap yourselves in as i go into completely unnecessary detail about some of my favourite parts in what is probably my favourite scene in all of heartstopper. enjoy!

this scene!!!!!!! wow!!!!! firstly the whole scene is just so soft and intimate. they're in this crowded bowling alley but have managed to find a little corner for themselves. and they have this big deep chat and nick is so sad that he's kept his date with imogen hidden from charlie and you can tell how upset he is with himself for doing that because the last thing he wants to do is upset charlie or to prove that tao was right and he was just using charlie. then the birthday gift....don't look at me im emotional. i'm not gonna go into detail about that bc it won't be anything that hasn't already been said already but just so u know, i love it.

PART ONE

so obviously nick apologises for keeping the imogen thing a secret because he's the most wholesome boy in the world and you can see that charlie tries to like brush it off and says "it's not like we're officially dating or anything" and you can see that subtle look of dejection in his face and then NICKS FACE!! ouch!! like you can see (in pic 3 above^) how sad he is that charlie said that, and nick can tell that charlie wants to be more than just a secret and to be official but nick isn't ready for that yet and he's just upset with himself that he can't give that to charlie

brb will be thinking about nicks sad face for the next 3-5 business days

PART TWO

let's start with the obvious of nick being the one to confess his feelings first !!!! OH BOY like that must have been such a big moment for him and yet he says it with such confidence. whilst he's having this internal sexuality crisis and he's unsure of who he is, the one thing he is sure of is that he likes charlie!! secondly we move onto charlies reaction. his face literally lights up at nicks confession, like he is so unbelievably shocked that The Nick Nelson(TM) told him he likes him ???? even after all this time they've been kissing and hanging out. bless his heart!! this whole thing is doubly upsetting when you remember how ben treated him, he probably doesn't think anyone would/could ever like him so for nick to say this to him is probably the best thing to happen to him

AND THEN we move onto nick saying "wasn't that obvious" i could write a 1k word essay alone on this line but i'll keep it brief. OH MY GOD. he just swoops in being his usual flirty and charming self and he has that little smirk. I CANNOT COPE WITH THE LOOK ON HIS FACE he's so utterly charming and the way kit delivers this line is just so spot on. there's just absolutely no doubt in his voice at all when he says it. like yes ?????? obviously i like you ?????

PART THREE

so then nick just comes along and asks "do you like me?" back and he says it in such a soft way, like he's nervous for charlies response (lol. dw baby it's okay). you can just about hear the sort of cautious tone in his voice as he asks it as if charlie would say anything other than yes.

and then charlies little face lights tf up!!!!!! and he's leaning into nick like OBVIOUSLY I LIKE YOU YOU IDIOT ??????? he's so astounded nick even asked the question bc who wouldn't like nick "the rugby king" nelson ?????

PART FOUR

then, to conclude, the kiss. from the get go this kiss is so important !!! its their first kiss where theres a BIG risk of someone seeing them and before it even happens when charlie says "i want to kiss you so bad right now" you can tell nick is in this state of 50% panic and 50% oh my god i want to kiss him too. BUT NICK SAYS OKAY and then its this really beautiful kiss and the song playing over it absolutely breaks my heart and the absolute perfection of that one line "cause i'd find you in any world' playing over the top as they kiss is actual poetic cinema

and then we move onto when they break away and you can SEE nicks face and the little tears in his eyes almost. like i'm 100% convinced kit had tears in his eyes for like every single emotional scene in this show (seriously go back and rewatch them) but specifically w his scenes with joe. i just think it adds this really nice extra layer to their chemistry/romance bc you can see just how much he cares about charlie!!!!!!!!!!!! and then as they pull away nick has this look of awe/love/relief/i-can't-believe-we-just-did-that and you can just feel the emotions from just that one little frame. and i just think its so beautiful

anyway tldr; this scene is v soft and gave me lots of emotions and kit and joes acting was SO INSANELY GOOD. i honestly need to rewatch this scene every day for my own mental wellbeing. the end xoxo

[helnjk]

A Brief Glimpse - C.W.

Charlie Weasley x fem!reader

Word count: 2.5k

Summary: there’s nothing like the rumors that students can come up with about their favorite teachers. especially when one of them is adamant on keeping her private life, well, private. 

Warnings: brief mentions of meals, one curse word but that’s it

A/N: a purely self-indulgent, fluffy fic inspired by this ask from kendall ( @lupinsclassroom ) who said that if i taught at hogwarts, i’d be the COMC professor! and i love me some good charlie content. this is also kind of a different style that i’m used to, i hope you guys like it! x

–

The top three favorite professors at Hogwarts were as follows: Headmistress McGonagall, Professor Longbottom, and Professor L/N. 

While most students would argue that Professor L/N could potentially overtake Professor Longbottom on that list, there was just so much they didn’t know about her. She was practically the perfect professor; she loved what she taught (Care of Magical Creatures), she was considerate and understanding with students who were struggling with the subject, and her office doors were always open to anyone who wanted to chat. 

Still, she kept her personal life very private and of course, the more she refused to answer their prying questions, the more intrigued the students became. All they knew was that she was one of the top students of her year, she was a Ravenclaw, and she fought at the Battle of Hogwarts years prior. 

There were many rumors going around the student body of Hogwarts about who Y/N L/N was. The most popular ones were that she was actually Headmistress McGonagall’s secret daughter, because of how close the two seemed to be. In reality, Y/N was just one of Minnie’s favorite students. The headmistress often joked how she should’ve been in her house instead of Filius’. 

Meanwhile, Neville was always open with the students, answering whatever questions they had for him, as long as they weren’t crossing the line between professional and personal. They often loved to ask him questions about his friendship with the Golden Trio or his stories of the war. 

“They’re getting more creative with the questions they ask me,” he shook his head, smiling slightly one dinner, “They’re trying to see if I’ll slip up and mention anything juicy about you.”

Y/N laughed slightly, eyes glimmering, “What sort of questions have they come up with now?” 

“Today Chapman asked me if I’d ever spent the holidays with other professors around my age,” Neville mused, “Or if Hannah was ever jealous that I was working with a girl so close to my age.”  

“Oh please, Longbottom,” Minerva tutted, and the two younger professors turned their heads in her direction, “At least your questions still have some sort of delicacy. Griffiths has actually asked me, point blank, if Y/N’s spent her summers with me.” 

The collective guffaw of the professors at the head table caused the majority of the student body to shift their attention to them. Of course, the authoritative looks that they sent at the house tables were able to convince them to get back to their own conversations, but now the Great Hall was abuzz with trying to figure out what made the professors laugh so loud. 

“I wonder when they’ll stop trying,” Y/N mused as the crowd of students began to slowly shuffle out of the Hall.

“Don’t count on it, L/N,” Minerva smirked. 

–

“Professor L/N?” a meek voice sounded from the door to Y/N’s office on Wednesday afternoon. 

The middle of the week was rather free for her, therefore she used it to catch up on grading and, if she had time, a little light reading. This afternoon, though, she was in the middle of writing an important letter. 

Her owl, Athena, perched at the edge of her desk and her scrutinizing eyes darted towards the fourth year Hufflepuff who stood by the door. Eloise Abbott, a shy young thing with a penchant for Care of Magical Creatures and one of Y/N’s best students, sent the intimidating owl an uneasy glance.

“Come on in, Eloise,” Y/N smiled as she slipped the ink and parchment she was using into one of the empty drawers of her table, “Don’t mind Athena, she’s just impatient to get this letter out.” 

The young girl shuffled towards the professor as Y/N asked, “Is there anything you needed?” 

“Erm, I was just wondering if you could check my Defense paper,” she mumbled, pulling out a parchment from her school bag, “It’s on Grindylows and other creatures we could encounter in the Forbidden Forest, and I know it’s not really part of your syllabus, but I just wanted to make sure I didn’t get anything very wrong.” 

Y/N smiled and held her hand out for Eloise to place the essay. It was silent as she read over what was written, that silence only broken when Athena let out soft hoots or ruffled her feathers. 

“Erm, professor,” muttered Eloise after a while, Y/N’s eyes glanced up from the parchment, “I don’t mean to pry, but why does your owl want so badly for you to finish that letter?” 

A soft chuckle came from Y/N’s mouth before she answered, “She just loves the person I’m writing to, and I honestly think she would rather be in his care than mine. Even if it were just for a few nights.” 

“But you’re wonderful with animals!”

“And he is too, I assure you. Maybe even more so than me.” 

Eloise nodded her head slowly, and Y/N could see the gears turning in her head. It perplexed the young student, who could ever be better with animals than her professor? She knew it couldn’t have been Hagrid, as he still lived on the grounds and Athena could visit him any time she wished. 

Maybe her favorite professor was friends with the Scamander family. Rolf Scamander definitely had ties to Hogwarts and seemed about her age. 

Before her thoughts could go any further with hypothesizing, Professor L/N handed her essay back, “It looks great, Eloise. I have no doubt you’ll get high marks on this essay.” 

Eloise could spot a professor’s dismissal anywhere, so she merely nodded as she took the parchment back. As she hurried out the room, she expressed her gratitude over her shoulder, catching Y/N pull out the letter she was writing with a soft smile on her face. 

–

The end of the school week came with a surprise visitor to the castle. The students could not stop discussing the presence of a dragon tamer on the school grounds. He had arrived later in the morning, trudging up the pathway from Hogsmeade and making his rounds around the school.

Headmistress McGonagall greeted him at the gates with a smile and a hug before she took his arm and the two of them had tea in her office. Of course, as the students weren’t used to seeing an adult that wasn’t the faculty or the staff in the castle, his presence sparked many conversations.  

“I saw him knock on Hagrid’s door!” said Neil Chapman to anyone who would listen to him at lunch, “He had some burn scars all over his arms and really bright red hair. He seemed really cool.” 

It was as if the whole Gryffindor table was gathered around him as he told and retold how Hagrid’s booming voice announced that Hogwarts’ resident dragon tamer was back. Rumors floated around the school for the rest of the day, each student having something to say about the mysterious man. 

“He’s gorgeous though, isn’t he?” sighed Daphne Griffiths, as she and her best friend roamed the hallways on the way to their next class, “All rugged and handsome. I caught sight of him walking towards the quidditch pitch after Transfiguration.” 

All the professors had to stop themselves from full-on grinning at the different things they had heard about Charlie Weasley gallivanting around the grounds, but none of them as amused as Professor L/N. 

“Hurry along then!” 

Y/N stood next to a small paddock at the edge of the forest, next to its open gate. At the center of it, a cluster of fluffy creatures rolled around and play fought with each other. 

“Alright class,” she clapped her hands together, “We’re having a little bit more of a relaxed class to end the week. A crup of one of the Hogsmeade villagers just gave birth about a month ago and her owner’s graciously allowed us to spend an afternoon with the puppies.”

The second year students cooed at the litter of small dog-like creatures with two tails. As soon as she finished her sentence, the group of them rushed to get inside the paddock, each one wanting a turn with the small puppy-like things. Once all the students were inside, she shut the gate and joined them as they congregated around the tiny crups. 

Y/N was grateful that her last class of the week was with younger students. They were much easier to please and sometimes more eager to learn. Of course, almost anyone would be enamoured by the litter of puppies running around.

With her wand pointed at her jugular, she began the small spiel she had prepared for the lesson, “Now, as most of you might know, crups are basically magical dogs…” 

Most students weren’t really paying any attention to her little lecture, but she told herself that at least she tried. She understood the need to coo over cute little puppies, she could let it slide just this once. 

From where she stood towards the other end of the paddock from the gate, she had a panoramic view of the class, just in case anything happened. She doubted anything would, but at least that way she could keep everyone in sight. 

“Of all the magical creatures in the world, you chose to teach about crups?” 

A strong voice rang through the open space and caused many of the students to turn their heads at the sound. Somehow, Charlie Weasley had made it to the gate of the paddock without Y/N noticing. Upon seeing the redheaded dragon tamer so close to them, murmurs spread among the young students.

Y/N rolled her eyes, taking in the sight of him with his arms crossed and a smug smile on his face. 

“Oh wipe that smile off your face, Weasley, you try teaching these kids all week,” she replied, raising her voice slightly so that he could hear what she had said. 

“I guess they are quite adorable,” he caved, leaning his forearms against the paddock and seeming as if he was going to observe them their whole class. 

The students observed their playful and easy banter, in awe that their professor knew the ever mysterious man. 

As her wards were still distracted by him, she said, “Pay him no mind class, he’s harmless. The crup puppies need your undivided attention!” 

As soon as the prying eyes were off of him, Charlie sent Y/N a cheeky wink. She couldn’t stop a smile from growing on her face at the gesture, but she shook her head to indicate that they could talk after her class was over. 

“Professor L/N?” a young girl walked up to her, sending a furtive glance over her shoulder to where her friends were gathered. 

The group of them gestured to her to carry on and Y/N’s eyes lit with amusement, “What’s up?” 

“I-er, we wanted to know how you know the dragon tamer guy? The other professors haven’t said much about him when asked.” 

The young student fidgeted nervously, picking at the hem of her sweater as she glanced up at Y/N. Despite being in the rather early years of her journey at Hogwarts, she knew that Professor L/N enjoyed her privacy. She didn’t want to overstep. 

Y/N sensed this apprehension and gave her a soft smile, “We were in the same year at Hogwarts. He was a Gryffindor and I was a Ravenclaw, but we managed to have a few common classes.” 

“Cool!” 

Before anything else could be said, the girl scurried off to meet her friends with the small tidbit of information she was able to gather from the otherwise close-lipped professor. 

Thankfully, the rest of the hour passed by rather quickly. 

As soon as the bell rang, it was obvious to Y/N that the students were stalling. She had dismissed them fairly quickly and had already begun her process of cleaning up. Meanwhile, the majority of the class was still situated inside the paddock, shuffling around in groups. 

Inwardly, she sighed, knowing that there was nothing she could do about it, it was the end of the school week and they were free to roam (or stay) in any part of the grounds and the castle they wanted. 

Inevitably, Charlie had gotten impatient waiting for them to clear out. Instead, he strode confidently through the gate and towards where Y/N was directing the puppies to stay. 

“Charlie? What are you–”

The remaining students, who had been not-so slyly watching the redhead stride through the paddock, all collectively gasped as he pressed his lips firmly on their professor’s. 

Y/N began to weakly protest, the logical side of her brain screaming at her that this was definitely unprofessional, but the emotional side took over as she was surrounded by the scent and the presence of her boyfriend. Her boyfriend whom she hadn’t seen in months and made a special trip to Hogwarts just to see her in her element. 

Thankfully, Charlie pulled away fairly quickly, his arms still firmly wrapped around her body, a dopey smile on his face. 

Once Y/N gained her bearings, she slapped his chest, “Charles Weasley!” 

“What?” he grinned. 

“You’ve just kissed me in front of my students!” 

–

Despite the–shall we say scandalous?–first encounter between the couple, the rest of the afternoon was quite lovely. Y/N showed him all of the creatures under her care and in the section of the forest that was relatively safe. They also borrowed some old brooms from the shed and raced each other out on the pitch until their cheeks were painful from laughter and their noses were red from the cold. 

By the time dinner rolled around, of course the whole student body was aware of what transpired between the handsome dragon tamer and their favorite Care of Magical Creatures professor. 

This was the first piece of juicy information that they had gotten on Professor L/N, and while they were highly amused at what had happened, they were also not surprised that she was dating someone who worked with dragons on a daily basis. 

They also couldn’t deny the fact that she practically lit up in his presence. They had never seen her so at peace and so happy as when she was with Charlie. Anyone with eyes could tell that the pair of them were in love. 

Minerva had also graciously allowed Charlie to sit at the Head Table with the rest of the faculty at dinner, which caused quite the stir. 

Practically all sets of eyes were trained towards the couple as they ate their dinner fairly normally. 

“You two seem to be the talk of the whole school,” the headmistress teased. 

Charlie sent his favorite teacher a shit-eating grin, “Must be my dashing looks that’s got them all interested.” 

“Please, Weasley,” Y/N tutted, “They’ve just gotten a huge piece of information about me. This is basically their Christmas.” 

“Maybe they’ll finally stop hounding me with insane questions now!” Neville chirped happily, and the table erupted in laughter. 

–

General taglist: @expectoevans​ @george-fabian-weasley​ @gxthsanrio​ @slytherinscribbles​ @harpyloon​ @nuttytani​ @mesmerisedangel​ @amourtentiaa​ @sarcasticallywitty15​ 

Charlie taglist: @pinkypurplemagic​

[tootiredmotel]

Electricity

Inspired by @ledzeppelinmixtape 's emoji prompt: ⛈

Read on ao3 or below / 2.3k words

It's 11pm and storming biblically when Dean and Cas's apartment goes dark.

"Great," Dean mutters under his breath. "Fan-freaking-tastic."

From somewhere else in the apartment, his roommate asks "did the power go out?"

"What do you think, sunshine?" Dean replies sarcastically.

He has a half-written essay in front of him, but he knows his old-ass computer won't last long unplugged, so he saves the document before shutting it off. He leans back in his chair, stretching for the first time in an hour and running a hand down his face. He actually needed a break from the screen, he realizes, feeling his eyes relax as he rubs them.

The steady rain and strong winds outside make an overwhelming white noise track, interrupted only by thunder that goes from faint and distant to deafening in volume. If Dean wasn't stressed out of his mind and completely exhausted right now, he might actually find this kind of nice.

"It's raining cats and mice out there," he hears Cas say, his voice now in the room.

Dean smiles, still rubbing his eyes with the backs of both his hands. "Cats and dogs, Cas."

"Right. Cats and dogs."

It’s really no use correcting him; the entire animal kingdom could be falling from the sky right now and there wouldn't be much of a difference. The winds are definitely knocking things over, and the streets will certainly be flooded come morning. Dean wonders for how long the university will cancel classes after this (if at all, the heartless bloodsuckers).

A particularly loud clap of thunder startles Dean. He drops his hands from his face and opens his eyes, expecting to see pitch black nothingness, but the room is faintly lit by the flashlight Cas is holding as he rummages through their kitchen drawers. He approaches a minute later and sets a candle down on the small table.

"Smart."

"Thank you, Dean," Cas says, sitting down opposite him. Dean smiles again, this time shaking his head.

If anyone ever asked him to mention one thing he likes about Cas, just one, he'd probably say how genuine Cas is, how he takes everything to heart and speaks from it as well. Dean said just one word, smart, a simple comment on the fact that it occurred to Cas to light a candle instead of wasting the battery of their one flashlight, and Cas genuinely thanked him for the compliment. He's just ridiculously cute in his earnestness.

Cas is trying to light the candle now, but their lighter is tricky. Despite living together in that apartment for a year and a half now Cas has never really gotten the hang of it.

"Here, let me."

Dean means to take the lighter from Cas and do it himself, he really does. That is 100% his intention as he reaches across the table. Except he sees an opportunity, and Dean Michael Winchester is nothing if not smooth.

He wraps his hand around Cas's, gently guiding his fingers until they’re placed just right, and the lighter clicks on with ease. Cas meets his eyes, smiling, and Dean can feel the slightest brush of Cas’s thumb against his hand. It’s a small gesture, but clearly deliberate, and it sends Dean’s heart into overdrive. Cas leans away, puts the lighter aside, and starts leafing through a book he brought. Dean’s heart is still racing as he watches him.

Scratch that first thing. If anyone ever asked him what’s one thing he likes about Cas? His hands. God. Neat nails, slightly calloused palms, and overall larger hands than you’d expect. Cas is an environmental science major and he wants to get a Ph.D. in botany, so of course, there’s a small garden on their fire escape. He tends to those plants every day with more gentleness and care than Dean has ever seen, and Dean loves to watch him, even though he has no idea what Cas is doing with them half the time. He just knows that not a single one of their plants have died under Cas’s care. He names them too.

His attentiveness. That’s another thing Dean might say if anyone ever asked. Cas left to visit his sister Anna last winter break. He left Dean in charge of the plants, three of which died inside the week. (For Dean’s birthday a couple of months later, Cas got him a book. How Not to Kill Your Houseplant. Dean keeps it on his nightstand.) Dean went out and bought new ones, but he knew Cas would notice the difference, and he did. He wasn’t mad at Dean though, and he appreciated the effort, and as Dean apologized profusely over and over again, Cas looked at him in the eyes oh-so-softly and told him he was forgiven.

How could Dean possibly forget? If anyone ever asked, he’d say that Cas’s eyes are one of his favorite things about him. One of his favorite things, period. Dean is absolutely mesmerized whenever Cas looks him in the eye, and the guy loves making eye contact, which means that Dean lives in a perpetual smitten daze. He has never seen that shade of blue anywhere else on this earth. Or maybe he just hasn’t been looking, content to get his fill of that blue by staring into Cas’s eyes as much as he gets to on a daily basis.

“Are you alright, Dean?”

Dean blinks himself back to reality. “Hm?”

“You seem… spaced.”

Dean is staring. He’s been staring this whole time. Shit. Crap.

“Yeah, um. Just tired.”

Mr. Smooth, everybody.

“Maybe you should go get some rest. I doubt the power will be back anytime soon.”

Castiel Milton, always looking out for you. It makes Dean melt.

“Yeah, maybe.” I wanna stay here with you, though, he thinks. Instead, because he’s pathetic, he asks “what’re you reading?”

Cas shows him the cover. How Not to Kill Your Houseplant. Dean breaks out in laughter.

“So you’re going into my room and stealing my shit now?”

“Don’t worry, I didn’t touch your Vonneguts.” Cas puts the book aside, an easy smile on his face. “Just wanted something light to pass the time.”

“You done with your homework?”

A soft yawn escapes Cas. “For now.”

“Dude, why not just go to sleep? You look exhausted.”

“Look who’s talking.”

Dean tries to deadpan him. He fails, because around Cas, it’s near impossible for him to not smile.

“Besides, I might be done but you weren’t.”

“And you wanted to keep me company.”

Cas shrugs as if to say I guess, but he does it with a knowing smile. The smile doesn’t falter as he meets Dean’s eyes, and he doesn’t look away when silence settles between them, the only sound being the stormy white noise.

Dean is sure he could drown in that blue and die happy.

Before that train of thought gets away from him again, Dean tears his gaze away and stretches. “We should really go to bed though, I’m not getting any more done tonight,” he says as he stands.

“Of course,” Cas says, but he grabs the book again.

“You not going?”

“I want to finish this chapter.”

The seriousness in his tone makes Dean smile. Again.

“Well, g’night, Cas.”

“Good night, Dean.”

Dean thinks he detects a bit of shakiness in Cas’s voice but decides that he’s probably just tired.

He gets to his room and changes into something comfortable, the first t-shirt and sweatpants he finds as he rummages in the dark. He goes to set his phone on his nightstand and crawl into bed, but in place of the book he keeps there and puts his phone on top of– the book Cas has at the moment– he finds something else.

It’s paper. It’s folded into the form of a book, like one of those youtube craft tutorials with bad music, and it's no bigger than his own palm. The cover is handwritten, and Dean immediately recognizes it as Cas's. He smiles, expecting a prank or joke of some sort, Cas knows how stressed Dean can get with the start of the semester. However, his smile falters as he reads the cover:

How to tell your best friend you’re in love with him.

With a shaky hand, Dean opens the small book. The first page is the only one with any more writing on it, and it reads:

You leave him a note and hope it’s enough.

Dean is storming out of his bedroom (no pun intended) before he knows it. He barely even feels his feet moving, too focused on the pounding in his ears and the dryness in his mouth. He doesn’t go into the living room, not yet; his feet stop at the end of the short hallway and he braces himself against the wall. The room is spinning and he can barely breathe.

“Cas?” He chokes out.

Cas puts the book back down on the table in front of him and interlocks his fingers in front of him. He doesn’t look at Dean– Cas, who makes too much eye contact – and takes a deep breath before saying “yes?”

He’s nervous.

Dean takes a step forward, still keeping one hand on the wall just in case, and holds up the note. “What is this?” he asks, because his brain is just not there with him yet.

Cas stands, still not facing Dean. “Dean, do you know what day it is?”

He’s asking this now???

“September firs–”

Oh. Oh shit.

“Cas isn’t today the–”

“The night we met. Two years ago.”

Dean feels his brain catching up now as the memory starts coming back to him. Cas helps, starting to recount that night.

“Two years ago tonight, I was leaving my night course at the university, and it was raining. Not as bad as this,” –Cas looks out the window and lightning strikes, as if on cue– “but pretty badly, and I was an inexperienced freshman without an umbrella.”

Dean remembers. He was walking Charlie to her dorm when it started drizzling, and it was pouring by the time he made it back to his car. Dean had a night shift at the gas station and was about to head there.

“Two years ago tonight,” Cas continues, “you invited me into your car to shelter me from the rain.”

Dean saw this guy running in the direction of the men’s dorms, which were on the other side of campus. He felt bad, and he had a car, so he opened the passenger door and let him in.

Turned out to be the most gorgeous guy he’d ever laid eyes on. He was a bit awkward, but he had no filter, which made him weirdly funny. He asked about the music playing in the car and listened intently to Dean's rambling. He laughed at his jokes too.

At the end of the five-minute drive, he said his name was Castiel, and Dean asked for his number and saved it as Cas with a thunderstorm emoji. Because even if he didn’t know it yet, Dean was already whipped.

“Two years ago,” Cas says, finally looking up at Dean. His eyes are wide and vulnerable and he looks terrified and Dean can barely stand it. “Two years ago tonight, I started to fall in love with you.”

Dean can’t breathe. His ears are hot and he can’t stop fidgeting with the note in his hand and he can’t breathe.

But his feet start moving again, out of their own volition. They move toward Cas.

“If you don’t feel–” Cas starts, but Dean swallows his words.

Again, Dean’s brain isn’t all there yet, and he doesn’t realize what he’s doing until he’s already in it. He’s grabbing Cas’s face, digging his fingertips into the back of his hair, and the note is forgotten on the table, and thunder rumbles not that far away. He’s darting out his tongue, begging to explore Cas’s mouth as he’s wanted to do since forever, and Cas lets him. He tastes like toothpaste and coffee and honey and Dean never wants to taste anyone else ever again.

Cas is wrapping his arms around Dean’s waist and pressing his entire body against him. It’s making Dean weak in the knees but it’s okay because Cas is almost holding him upright at this point. There’s another clap of thunder, much closer this time, and the lightning probably illuminated the apartment, but it wasn’t enough to make them part. They’re moving and grasping and exploring frantically, and Dean is afraid Cas is going to disappear, or that he’s going to wake up and this will all have been another dream. But no, it’s real, and they’re playing catchup on two years worth of desire and longing and love.

They eventually pull away, breathless and giddy. The only sounds are the rain and the wind. Dean opens his eyes first, needing to see Cas and make sure this is completely, definitely, unequivocally real. Cas is smiling and taking deep breaths, and a weight seems to be lifted off his shoulders. He opens his eyes a second later, and even in the darkness, even with just the faint candlelight, the blue in them seems to shine. And even though there's no power, it feels as if there's electricity crackling in the air around them. It might be the storm.

No. It's the moment. This moment with Cas is what feels electric.

“Come to bed?” Dean asks, feeling brave and going out on a limb. The only way Cas responds is by interlocking his hand into Dean’s and kissing him again.

And after tonight, for the rest of his life, if anyone ever asks him “what’s one thing you love about Cas?” Dean won’t be able to narrow down an answer.

He’ll just say: “Everything.”

[citydreamgrls]

yes, captain

fred weasley x fem!reader

words: 2,675

a/n: thank you so much for all the love on ‘a christmas treat’ it’s been crazy how many of you enjoyed it <333

warnings: smut , 18+ 

“What do you mean he’s sick?” The twins cried out in unison. I had heard voices before I’d reached the common room, but seeing them shocked wasn’t what I had been expecting. In fact it was a rarity to see them surprised at all.

“What’s up?” I asked them both, just as Lee was leaving. George had his head in his hands and Fred’s lip was blatantly chewed up.

“Wood’s sick, he’s off for 2 weeks.” He explained.

“Oh shit, that’s not good. So does that mean you two ar-”

“Co-captains.” They groaned in unison, used to having people follow them but not usually having to be in charge of anyone.

I put my arms around Fred, who was still in his quidditch uniform from practice, and gave him a much needed hug.

“You guys will be great, I’m sure of it.” I promised the twins, letting them clean up before dinner.

-

“So… how does it feel to have a boyfriend who’s the quidditch captain.” Hermione teased me, finding this to be more interesting than her book of all things.

“Fred’s co-captain, remember, and besides they only found out today.”

Harry came and sat in front of us with Ron as his side, who was more bothered by his food than his older brothers.

“I think they’ll be great captains,” Harry said, excited to have the troublemakers taking charge.

“Well of course you’d say that,” Hermione scoffed, opening her book again.

“What do you mean?” I asked. Ron looked up, clearing his throat as though to speak but the girl beside me cut him off before he had the chance.

“Harry’s the team’s seeker, he just has to do his job. That’s easy. It’s the chasers that cause trouble, they’re always squabbling over who goes where and how many goals each of them scores.”

“Yeah, what Hermione said.” Ron rolled his eyes and carried on eating.

“Guess we’ll see tomorrow afternoon eh?” Harry sighed.

“Do you think you guys will be ready for the match against Ravenclaw?” I asked.

“Hard to tell, we’ve got some time… but we’re out of a keeper now Wood’s off sick.” He huffed.

Just on cue both Fred and George turned up, looking as confident as ever as people congratulated them on their temporary promotion. Fred sat down beside me, giving me a kiss quickly before any of the others could complain.

“Ron, we need you to be our keeper.” George told his younger brother without hesitating.

Poor boy almost choked on a mouthful of potato when he realised what the twin had told him. Harry had to slap his back to get him to look alive again, making Hermione giggle from behind her book.

“Me!”

“Yes you, come to practice tomorrow and we’ll see if you’re any good.” Fred added, giving my hand a squeeze under the table.

-

“So I guess this means you’ll be too busy with captain duties,” I teased Fred as he tried to write an essay on the common room sofa.

“Oh yes, too busy for girlfriends. Especially when I have so many.”

I rolled my eyes and mindlessly played with his long hair.

“You don’t have the energy for too many girlfriends, me and George are enough for you.”

“You’re not wrong.”

He closed his potions book with a sigh and threw it to his feet, finally able to relax a little bit and lay with his head in my lap.

“Are you nervous Fred?”

“About what?”

“About being captain silly, you do have a practice tomorrow remember?”

“Oh no it slipped my mind, because I really have so much more going on right now.” He huffed sarcastically.

“I’ll take that as a yes then,” I laughed and he nodded sheepishly. “It’ll be fine, I said I’d help Ginny with some homework tomorrow though so I can’t come and watch.”

“That’s actually a bit of a relief, I’d hate to embarrass myself in front of you.” Fred sighed.

“You’re the most confident person I know, not to mention the goofiest. When have you ever been worried about embarrassing yourself?” I pointed out, and he couldn’t help but agree.

-

The next day, after practice, the team filed into the common room kinda quietly. Making both Hermione and I frown at their sudden gloomy nature.

Fred and George were last and stopped at the two of us leaning up at them on the sofa.

“How was it?” I asked, still hopeful.

“Pretty bad,” George grunted before kicking off his boots and flopping into an armchair.

“Two of the chasers got into a fight and targeted each other any time we tried to play, it was useless!” Fred exclaimed as I played with his quidditch robes.

“Told you so.” Hermione hissed, but I just ignored her.

“They’re bound to be a bit unruly, it’s probably because they’re used to Wood.” I tried to reason with them, but neither twin seemed convinced by my theory. “It’ll get better.” I whispered to Fred.

-

It could’ve been possible that I cursed it, because things seemed to spiral from then on. Ron had doubts about being a keeper, Harry was always turning up to practices late and leaving early. The chasers refused to talk to one another, and things just took a turn for the worse when the twins started to argue over how to fix things.

It was 3 days before the match and the team was more divided than ever before. Making Fred feel responsible for the downfall.

“It was two weeks, that was it. And I couldn’t even control things for one day!” He complained aloud as I sat on his bed, hoping he would chill out a bit. I opened my arms, letting him crawl into them as if he was a child.

“I’m helpless y/n.” He huffed.

“No you’re not.” George walked in, saw his brother and immediately went to walk back out. They had been avoiding each other ever since their argument, and it was time for things to go back to normal.

“Oi stop right there.” Both boys froze as I spoke, I moved Fred off me and stood up. Not that it was intimidating to either of them, but it was worth a try. “You two need to forget whatever you were mad about and forgive each other, because nothing’s gonna go right if neither of you can agree.” I stated, their heads hung in the realisation that what I was saying was right.

“If we did things my way we could actually win.” Fred grumbled from his bed.

“I don’t care,” George seemed caught off guard that I wouldn’t immediately take my boyfriend’s side. “If you did win, it wouldn’t feel as good than if you did it together.”

“She’s right.” The boy by the door finally spoke up, holding a hand out to his brother. Fred shook it with an awkward smile. “Sorry Georgie.”

“Now. let’s figure out what to do with this team.” I sighed.

-

After a whole night of negotiating, Fred and George settled on a game plan and went to the last practice with hope in their hearts. Hermione  and y/n watched them fly about from the stands, unable to hear the boys talk, but unable to spot any problems as they played through the upcoming match.

Once it was over Fred came straight over to y/n. He was grinning wider than she’d seen all month.

“Better?” She laughed.

“So much better.”

-

“I like seeing you happy,” The girl told her boyfriend later that night, promising not to keep him up too late. They needed to be awake early of course. Her and Fred were standing at the top of the astronomy tower looking over the grounds as the sun went down.

“Thank you for helping us,” He whispered. He loomed behind her and rested his arms on the balcony in front of her, caging her in.

“Yeah well you owe me, big time.”

“Oh don’t worry, you’ll get a reward.” He smirked, making a chill run down her spine.

They’d had sex before, plenty of times, and many after winning games. But something more rested on this game, if he won there would be an even bigger feeling of achievement for the boy. Who was usually quite happy to take sidelines as one of the two beaters in the team. Now, he was a captain and it would look good if he won.

“Stay with me tonight?” He asked y/n.

“I shouldn’t distract you, rest is the only thing you need Fred.”

“It’s not what I want though,” She felt his body press up against her and she wondered whether getting fucked by him up there would be all that bad. However, she decided to wait, knowing it would be even better after they won.

“Fred. I’ll see you in the morning okay?” y/n smiled and slipped out from under his trap, giving his cheek a kiss and running off.

“Oi, that’s not a proper goodnight. Come back here!” He called out with laughter, a chase beginning on the twisting steps back down to the castle.

-

Hermione always claimed she couldn’t care less about quidditch, but as soon as she saw Ron as Gryffindor’s keeper she suddenly became yet another teenage girl screaming his name in support. Y/n laughed, seeing her friend switch up so quickly.

Then again, her voice always went hoarse after cheering on Fred and George so violently it sometimes felt like she’d never talk again. But she would never do it differently. Seeing the twins in their captain’s robes made her heart swell with pride, especially when Fred flew past their stand to give her a wink like he did before every game. It was practically tradition by this point.

“Go Fred!!!!” She screamed as he swung his bat around, sending bludgers flying through the air and towards Ravenclaw’s chasers. One of them almost fell to the ground trying to dodge it, and in turn losing possession of the quaffle to the Gryffindor chasers who had finally learnt to work together. They flew in formation, passing the ball between one another to throw off the other team. Then as one of them went to score, the other two held off opposing beaters so they could score.

To Hermione’s joy; Ron was amazing. He barely let a single goal in, kicking them off and thwacking them away with his broom. After a while he began to show off, but no one minded because he still managed to defend the goal.

Fred and George were working their asses off trying to hit off bludgers, not stopping for a single second to notice what else was going on. Y/n could watch her boyfriend work like that all day, his face laced with determination and joy whenever he hit one off successfully. Even more so whenever they scored another goal. Ravenclaw had never had a chance against them.

The match ended as always, with Harry just about catching the snitch before the other team’s seeker got there. He flew down to find the team hugging one another in joy, the rest of Gryffindor house racing from the stands to join the celebration. It wasn’t long before Fred and George were carried back to the common room, their names being chanted like gods.

Y/n caught a flash of her boyfriend’s red hair disappearing into the crowd as her and Hermione followed the flow of people into the castle.

-

“There you are!” Fred had called, finally finding y/n amongst the people partying later that night. “Thought you’d sacked me off.”

“As if, you’re the winning captain now I’m basically a celebrity by default!” She joked, taking the drink from his hand and sipping it hesitantly.

“Oi, what was that for?” He complained.

“I don’t trust my own drinks round you and George.”

“You’ve learnt then,”

“Yep, the hard way.” He smirked at my words and pulled me aside to talk quietly.

“Speaking of hard things, I’m on an absolute power high and really need you.” He said, never one to beat around the bush, well they’d done it once in a bush.

“Give me 10 minutes,” she told him.

“I’ll be waiting in the secret hallway, near potions?” y/n nodded and Fred disappeared off to wait for her, hoping no one would stop him on his way there.

Y/n went up to her dorm room, quickly knocking back a few shots before fixing her makeup and making her hair look less flat. Hermione saw her sneak through the common room and sent her a wink, making the girl blush as she slipped out into the main castle.

It was a Saturday night, and everyone would be gathered in their common rooms by now if there wasn’t already a party going on, so the castle was quiet as she walked through it. Footsteps sounded from somewhere in front of her. The girl slipped inside the transfiguration class, keeping the door just ajar to see filch walk past. Seconds past before she ran back out and straight to the secret passageway her and Fred had discovered a few months prior.

“Fred?” She called out quietly, not able to see him yet. He came out of the shadows with a smirk on his face and rested on the cold stone wall.

“Hello beautiful.” He said, as she took no time to jump on him. Y/n wrapped her legs around his waist, immediately enthralled in his kiss and the slight taste of licorice that seemed to constantly linger on his tongue.

“It’s been so- so hard not to just come f-fuck you right away,” She moaned admittedly between breaths, struggling to speak over the sheer lust coursing through her body.

Fred’s hands played across her neck, rough as always from the cold air, and travelled across her body. He didn’t dare waste time taking off clothes, and grabbed her waist to push her away. She gasped at the sudden lack of touch, but obeyed his every move as the boy laid himself down on the cold steps. Y/n knew what to do. Fred pulled out his cock as she took off her panties from beneath her skirt. She straddled his lap, letting him slip inside her.

In that moment, as their heads were involuntarily thrown back, both groaned out with immense pleasure. Y/n knew how cocky Fred would get after a quidditch win, this position being their own kind of celebration. But there was something different about the boy this time.

He was pounding harder, and deeper, and encouraging the girl’s sweet moans every time one slipped from between her beautiful lips. She could feel his grip, tighter than ever, leaving little finger sized bruises on her hips as she rocked back and forth.

The sheer size of his cock inside her made y/n tense up, Fred having no choice but to speed up.

She screamed, suddenly very appreciative of the passageways seclusion, her chest heaving as the girl had to take a second to adjust to the growing desire in the pit of her stomach.

“You’re close aren’t you?” Fred laughed, revelling in how good he was making her feel. Y/n could only nod in response, her lip tight in her teeth. The boy laughed again, but she could never feel nervous around him.

A hand came up to her neck, she felt it first before she saw it. He clenched the sides with his long fingers as y/n gasped out. He watched her moan lightly, almost begging incoherently as he got her closer and closer.

One last push with his hand made the girl scream, her pussy tighter than he’d ever felt it before. The boy struggled to hold back much longer, pushing her off so he could cum.

“Fuck,” Fred groaned.

“Please, promise me one thing.” Y/n asked, making her boyfriend frown.

“What?”

“Never let anyone else be captain again,” She gasped, still worn out from how ruthless he’d been with her.

[writingabouteverything]

The Perfect White Flower--and Other Nonexistent Things

a/n YALL THIS IS PROBABLY DUMB BUT I HAD THIS IDEA ABOUT A HARRY STYLES X READER FIC THATS BASED ON THE PLOT OF JANE THE VIRGIN AND I WANTED TO WRITE IT SO BADLY I MADE THIS ACCOUNT

disclaimer--wont follow the show exactly 

Pairing: Harry Styles x latina! reader (a key factor of the show revolves around the lead being latina, and im latina and honestly love writing for us but anyone can still read and understand/hopefully enjoy and the fic doesn’t involve any physical descriptions:)) 

Series Summary: Y/n l/n has had the world figured out since she was a child. She won’t be a writer because it’s risky, she’ll just focus on school and becoming a teacher. She’s never been a child, because her mother had her at sixteen and hasn’t aged a single year since. That’s part of the reason the promise she made to her grandmother means so much to her--if she doesn’t have sex before marriage, her child will never have to grow up as quickly as she did. And Harry Styles is at the top of the world--his music has never been more successful, he has a lovely girlfriend, and he’s never been more in demand. He has everything in the world...except a child, and through a series of unbelievable events--y/n might be his only chance to have one. Ever. 

Chapter One Summary: Who knew getting a pap smear on two hours of sleep and three cups of coffee was as bad as having unprotected sex? 

There’s something dangerous about taking public transportation in LA. And no, I don’t mean it in the ‘there are bad people in the world’ type of way. I mean it in the ‘I live in one of the casual influencer, celebrity, tourist hubs of the world and each time I step onto the bus I find myself mesmerized by all the stories I see in them’ way. Kind of pathetic, I know, but sometimes a child with blonde pig tails or a woman streaming on instagram live will catch my eye and the urge to pull out my lap top and start something I’ll never finish. 

I know that writing isn’t some kind of disease. But I can’t let myself fall in love with it the way I want to. There’s nothing wrong with writing a short story or two, but trying to write a novel? That’s impractical. It will distract me from school, from the four year plan I’m almost done with.

Sighing, I brave taking at my surroundings. I deserve this today, after the anonymous, rude costumer at the hotel today, I need positivity. No one is particularly inspiring. The bus stops and I watch out the window. At first the crowd is ordinary, and then i see them...paparazzi. Flashing cameras from all angles, grown men violating all rules of personal space. It never sits right with me, but I guess it’s just part of living in LA. The bus starts moving again. When it stops again, I see even more paparazzis, but their cameras aren’t flashing. Good for whoever escaped that. 

The bus door opens and I snap my attention back to my computer screen. I rub my eyes as I stare at my word document. How is there more that needs to be edited? This professor is the harshest grader I’ve ever had, and my friend, Gisa, is kind for giving me even more notes. But I’m exhausted. Two tests and an essay due before 12:00. And it’s...11:38. Great--I have to upload it the second I’m at my doctor’s office and have WiFi again. 

I spend some time highlighting and rewording sentences, and once I’m done I reward myself with more people watching because I deserve it and I can’t fall asleep here. I’m kind of invested in the girl live streaming her bus ride...maybe she’ll say her instagram handle. 

But when I look up, she’s not on the bus anymore. Almost no one is. An elderly couple is sitting towards the back. A woman with a toddler sit two rows in front of me...and there’s now a man directly across from me. I blink for a moment, imagining a story for someone who’s face I can’t quite see beneath such dark sun glasses. His dark waves and strong jaw do most of the imagining for me--he deserves a mystery, a dramatic one with a happy ending and just enough romance to keep the people interested. A good romance, too--not too sappy. Enemies to lovers, maybe. A mysterious stranger that’s not really a stranger because something about him is just...familiar. 

He turns his head and I drop my gaze immediately. There’s no doubt he caught that, but I still pretend to edit the title of my essay. “You’ve been typing stubbornly since I first got on the bus.” There’s an accent--of course he’s english. But it’s more than that, I’ve heard that voice before. I’ve been...soothed by it. And--oh my god, I’m sitting across from Harry Styles.

Okay, don’t freak out. Don’t freak him out. He’s probably on here to escape the the whole ‘oh my god, you’re Harry Styles!’ thing.  

“What are you writing?” Harry Styles just spoke to me. I greeted my one direction poster every single day in middle school, and Harry Styles just spoke to me. Okay--relax, breathe--it’s only weird if you make it weird. 

There’s a kind of curt curiosity to his question. He could have been ruder, considering how blatantly I was staring at him. “I um...an essay.” I’m temped to turn the screen so that he can see I’m telling the truth. Though he wasn’t hostile, a part of me is paranoid that he thinks I am writing about him. It’s a fair assumption, for all he knows I’m drafting a tweet about who I saw on the bus this morning or preparing to send something in to some gossip girl-esque blog. “It’s due today at noon and normally I’m way more on top of things, but I had this last minute doctor’s appointment rescheduling because my usual doctor is out of town and--” I cut myself off before I can tell Harry Styles that I’m ovulating and that if I don’t go to my OBGYN now, I have to wait an entire month and I’ve already been off birth control longer than I’d like. I might not have actual sex in my near future, but my cramps have been extra terrible. “An essay, I just finished an essay.”

He nods once. Maybe he feels bad for so thoroughly startling me into such a rambling, because the corner of his mouth tilts upwards. A soft smile adds even more grace to his features, I focus on the dimple that appears in his cheek. “An aggravating essay, I take it, considering the death glares you’ve been giving your laptop screen.”

I smile at his polite humor. “It’s for the harshest grader on campus. She took three points off of my first essay freshman year because I spaced my bibliography wrong.” 

He cringes in sympathy. “Good luck.” 

“Thanks,” I hum, proud of myself for not letting him know that I know who he is. The bus stops, I can see my doctor’s office behind a few paparazzi. “This is my stop.” 

Harry nods once, ducking his head slightly. A tiny part of me feels sympathy for him; from what I’ve gathered, he genuinely loves his fans and the relationship they have, but it must be draining to never have a moment of privacy. Especially when it’s people who care more about selling your picture than your mental health. 

I linger on the bus’s step, watching the men with large cameras look around. “Excuse me, are you guys looking for Harry Styles?” Most of the men disregard me, but one looks at me. “I know he’s near here because I’m a really big fan and my friend just texted that she saw him.” This gets me the attention I wanted. “He’s at Northfield--a cafe like three blocks down. I just know that if she got a picture with Harry in like a magazine or something she’d totally lose it--in a good way, and she’s been having a bad time so if you see her can you try to make it happen? Knowing her she’ll be at his side, she’s blonde, shortish hair.” 

The men seem skeptical, but I guess they realize that this is the best lead they have. I think the fact that I gave a reason to justify selling Harry out for no reason helped. They disperse together, heading at least three blocks away from Harry. I don’t know if I’ve actually helped him, but I hope I have. 

“Essay girl.” I freeze, half cringing. Did he hear that? That’s embarrassing. I consider darting away, but decide that would just make me cringe more. So I turn on my heels. “You...you forgot your phone.” 

He just saved my life. “Thank you.” I take my phone from his outstretched hand, ignoring the slight thrill that runs through me when our fingers brush. “You’re my hero--the last thing I needed today was to run all over the city searching for my phone.” I finish the awkward admission with a partial laugh. 

“Least I could do,” he mumbles, “especially considering what you just did.” 

...He did see that. “Oh um--it was nothing, I just kind of made a connection and assumed the only reason you’d be on a public bus is because you were trying to avoid some things, and you make really great music and a lot of people happy, so you deserve that break.” Why does it feel like I’ve been talking forever? “Anyways, thanks for the whole phone thing, and I hope I got them off your tail.” 

My joke seems to somewhat land. His lips part, like he’s planning on saying something else. A timer on my phone interrupts him. I instinctually look down--great, the alarm on my phone warning me that I’m only ten minutes away from being late. “I’m late.” I turn towards the bus’s exit. “I gotta go, but thanks again, and I hope you have a good day.” 

I disappear after that, still not sure that that whole thing wasn’t some kind of hallucination. Did I just meet Harry Styles? He...he gave me my phone. Harry Styles has touched my phone. I can’t wait to tell Gisa, she’ll lose it.

I’m still thinking about Harry Styles when I finally reach my OBGYN’s office. When I get there, things are a lot more hectic than I thought they’d be. Many people crowd the waiting area and the receptionist’s desk is clearly understaffed. Two young girls are trying to address multiple upset pregnant women and take phone calls at the same time, all while practically buried in a sea pf paperwork. Wow, I didn’t realize that transferring was such chaos. One of the girls waves me over and barely checks my name before shoving a form towards me. I fill out as quickly as possible. 

 I upload my essay quickly after checking in. Who knows, maybe Harry Styles’s blessing will get me an A? A third person in scrubs emerges from the back after a moment and ushers me into a room. I tell myself to focus on going over the facts I need for the test I have to take in a little over an hour. Or to focus on the fact that I just met Harry Styles. But instead, I feel my heavy eyelids fall shut. 

I don’t know how long I sleep, but I know that I wake up during the middle of a doctor’s sentence, “...I know I’m not your usual, so I just want to make sure you’re comfortable.” 

“Hm...Yeah, yeah I’m comfortable.” She nods once, her wide eyes slightly red. “But I do have a class today in like an hour, so I was wondering if this was going to take longer because of the office’s move?” 

“Oh, no,” she shakes her head. “Just because Dr. Rodriguez gave us no notice before deciding that she no longer wanted to work here...or in the country. Or even live in the US, despite the fact that we just signed a lease on a place together...” Tears well in the stranger’s eyes, pity settles in my stomach. 

“That sounds incredibly complicated, I didn’t mean to rush you.” 

She blinks twice, her expression blanking as she fights against the pain of what’s clearly a terrible break up. “No, no--you have every right. Today is your day and if..honestly, if you’re strong enough to go to a class after this, and do what you’re about to do by yourself, then I’m strong enough to get through today.” 

Um...didn’t realize a pap smear counted as something that needs moral support, but I’ll chalk it up to her heightened emotions. “Thanks.” 

She snaps on her medical gloves. “No, thank you for your patience. Now lay down.” 

I do as told, preparing for a sensation I haven’t often experienced. A moment passes and I know she’s started. She’s moving away from me much faster than expected. Oh--I guess pap smears are a lot shorter than I expected. 

“That’s it?” 

“Yep,” she hums, pulling her gloves off. “Now just take it easy, and hydrate.”

Weird...but that’s like general doctor advice. “Thanks!” 

--

I’ve never wanted to keep a secret from Gisa, but sometimes I really regret telling her I met Harry Styles. It’s been almost a month and I find my mind wandering back to the moment in which our fingers brushed more than I should. Sometimes I let myself wonder what he might have said if my phone hadn’t rang. I was probably just imagining the way his lips parted, but my ind refuses to let it go. 

“...You know it’s kind of sad, I read an interview in which he spoke about the fact that he has some genetic condition that makes it hard to have kids. He has so many godchildren, and I feel like he’d make such a great father.” 

I try to keep up with Gisa’s words, but the dull ache in my head makes it feel so far away. “Yeah...he seemed really patient.” 

Gisa nods, turning to face me. “You alright, you’re looking kinda green?” 

“Yeah...” I reach for my canvas bag. “I think I just...I probably just need some water.” 

My hand grazes the metal of my water bottle and then the corners of my vision blur into blackness. I sway, Gisa’s hand is on my shoulder...and then it all goes black. 

--

I sit uncomfortably on the hospital’s cot. Gisa is a traitor for telling my mom that I fainted. I knew she’d just drag me here--hispanic mothers, they either believe they can cure you with vic’s vapor rub or they want you in the ER. No in between. 

“I know you didn’t want another test, but you’ve been throwing up in the morning for days and now you’re fainting.” 

“Fainted,” I correct, “it happened once.” 

“C’mon, mija, it’s just one doctor’s appointment.” 

Speaking of, an ER nurse returns. “Fainting and nausea spells explained,” he says, glancing at his clipboard, “you’re pregnant.” 

My mom and I can’t help but exchange a look before bursting into laughter. Pregnant. If I’m pregnant then the second coming is here. “That’s impossible, I’m a virgin.” 

He glances at my mom, “maybe we should have this conversation in private.” 

“No, what you say in front of me you can say in front of my mom.” 

My mom raises an eyebrow. “Y/n, did you and that guy from your english class--” 

“No! No, we did not. I am a virgin and there’s no way I’m pregnant.” I glare at the nurse. 

He then ushers me to a bathroom so that I can provide a urine sample. After I’m finished, he shows me a pregnancy test strip. “Pink means pregnant.” I bite my tongue as he tests the strip in my sample. He pulls it out and it’s...it’s bright pink.

“I’m calling my doctor, because this has to be a mistake. It has to be like a hormonal thing.” 

“Exactly, pregnancy hormones.” 

I glare even harder, calling the doctor that I saw last week. “Hello, Dr. Ash? I was wondering if I could get a consultation because I’m in the ER and some crazy doctor is trying to tell me I’m pregnant.” 

Silence on the line for a long second. “...I actually cleared my calendar for you.”