✦Even. More. Incorrect C.o.D Quotes.✦
Y/N, pinning Soap’s arms with their thighs in sparring: Haha! Eat shit, Scotsman!
Soap, struggling: FUCKIN’ ‘ELL, The hell is in your thighs?!
Y/N: Pure spite and protein, bitch!
--
Someone: Hey Johnny.
Y/N: Oh, no, only Ghost can-
Soap: Oi! Only Y/N & Ghost can pull that off, it’s Soap to you.
Y/N: Yeah he- wait me too? *gaaassp* Ohhh is this what favoritism feels like?!
Soap: Pfft, maybe!
Y/N: I enjoy it a lot! <3
--
American!Y/N: Fuckin’ git, he’s off his rocker, that one.
The entire team: …
American!Y/N: *dramatically smacks their hand over their mouth*
Gaz: *laughing* Was that genuine?!
Y/N: AH, I’ve been conditioned! I’ve been colonized!
Soap: COLONI-*WHEEZE*
--
Fem Fatal!Y/N: What th- what is this, a spy movie? You want me to infiltrate by being some eye candy?!
Laswell: It’s the best option we have.
Ghost: I disagree with this.
Soap: Me too! This feels real nasty, I think.
Fem Fatal!Y/N: *sigh* Fine, I’ll do it. God gave me these tits for a reason, might as well use’em for somethin’.
Gaz: PFF-no no, don’t be funny, this is a bad situation.
--
Graves: No! You can’t, cause if you take it- …you’ll be hurting my feelings :(((
Ghost: You know, I was thinking about that. And, the thing is…I really don’t care.
--
(In a ride back to base; just makin’ conversation)
Gaz: Do you find boys attractive? Or girls. That’s one what to check, if you’re not sure.
Y/N: *chuckles* You think I’m not sure?
Y/N: Everyone’s attractive to be honest, even if it’s just something small. Like, some people have really gorgeous hands.
Y/N: I don’t know…I’m a little bit in love with everyone I meet. But I think that’s normal.
Gaz: …hm, suppose that’s a fair answer…
--
Soap, laughing: You watch it or might just start fallin’ for ya, L.T!
Ghost: …would you like to?
Soap: Eh-…huh?
Simon: Would you like to? Fall in love with me, I mean…
Soap: ….well I-…well, yeah. I wouldn’t mind…if you’d let me.
Simon: …I’d let you.
Soap: Well then, guess that’s it then. Woo me, Si.
Simon: I’ll do my best.
--
Someone: I don't need advice from a team of virgin losers.
Y/N: VIRGIN LOSERS?! *grabs Price’s shoulder and motions to him aggressively* You gonna tell me you think this man doesn’t fuck for a living?! HAVE YOU SEEN HIM?!
Gaz & Soap: *for the millionth time trying not to laugh*
Price: *he’s not encouraging it but he does look kinda smug*
--
Gaz, on TikTok: Everyone’s always like “Kyle how’d you bag a baddie, how’d you bag that baddie bruh-“ I didn’t bag shit. Y/N picked me up from my neck, threw me over their shoulder and I’ve been on it ever since.
(Zooms out to show that he is in fact, on their shoulder)
Gaz: And I ain’t got no plans on getting off anytime soon-
(This also works with Soap & Ghost)
--
Y/N: Why’s it always you got mommy issues or you got daddy issues? Me personally? Both my parents got me messed up, the side I pick? Is mine. I ain’t Hannah Montana-
Y/N: 🎶but I got the best of both worlds!~🎵
Ghost: *he’s laughing on the inside, I swear*
--
Ghost, on the verge of dissociating: Why be sad…when you can just be ✨g o n e✨
Soap: Si, no-
--
Graves: Punch me. In the face. Didn’t you hear me?
Y/N: I always hear “punch me in the face” when you speak, but it’s usually subtext.
Graves: *huff* Well I- *gets punched so hard he falls over*
Y/N: ….that felt good.
Ghost: I’m so proud-
Price: Stop encouraging them.
--
Soap, bursting into the briefing room: Y/N got into a fight!
(Insert running scene)
Price: Soldier, what hap-
Ghost, sliding up in front of them: Did you win?
Y/N: Of course I won.
Ghost: Nice.
Price: STOP ENCOURAGING VIOLENCE-
--
Y/N, in a vent above a room: Soap, it’s me, the devil!
Soap: *wheeze*
Gaz: *trying so hard not to laugh*
Y/N: I’m here to convince you to do SIN. Come with me. Steal candy from babies and from small businesses!
Soap: *WHEEZE*
--
Y/N, passing by: *does that super flirty “up & down” look* Hey König…~
König: Hallo, guten morgen.
Y/N: *smiles and keeps going*
König, as soon as they’re gone: *deep breath* Ohmeingottohmeingott *tiny scream*
--
Ghost after being asked about his feelings on Soap: *heavy breathing* ……..nextquestion-
--
Gaz, a menace on TikTok: Batches be on the lookout for Captain Save-A-Hoe, cause he savin’ hoes.
Price, minding his business: ?
Y/N, dramatically “swooning” in the background: I WANNA BE SAAAAAVED *falls*
Price, unaware he’s having a thirst trap made for him: ?????
--
(I think bullying Graves is funny)
Graves: Let me tell you how this is gonna work-
Y/N: You ain’t gonna tell me shit.
Graves: Listen!-
Y/N: Suck my dick.
Graves: Listen to me!-
Y/N: Suck my dick.
Graves: Shut up, listen to me!
Y/N: Suck my dick, you fuck man.
Graves: Listen!!
Y/N: Suck my dick.
Graves: You will be here and listen to my ord-
Y/N: You’ll be here sucking my dick.
Graves: Listen to me, now!
Y/N: Go fuck yourself.
--
Y/N: I would rather lead my team into a pit of fire, than have them wield guns for your ignorant usurper cunt of a general.
Price: *mans is so proud it’s showing in his chops*
--
Simon: Your eyes are like sapphires…jeez…ahem, that’s pretty corny though, huh?
Soap, swooning: No, not at all. Anyone would like it…aha…
Simon: …uh…is this-
Soap: Working? Oh yeah, thoroughly wooed, sir.
Simon: Good, good.
--
Price: Please tell me you didn’t drag the boys into this.
Y/N: I didn’t drag Soap & Gaz into this!
*insert banging on door*
Price: Who is that?
Y/N: I think you know.
--
Soap: I wouldn’t wish that ‘pon my worst enemy. Unless, of course, we’re talkin’ ‘bout my enemy Philip Graves.
Soap: Fuck you, Phillip(/neg), you know what you did.
--
Gaz: So you have feelings for this person. Just rip the bandaid off.
Y/N, with daddy issues: It’s Price.
Gaz: *inhales through his teeth* Put the bandaid back on.
--
Y/N: …Ghost? You’re into Ghost?
Soap: Mhm…thoughts?
Y/N: And prayers, Johnny. And prayers.
--
Gaz: Are you straight?
Y/N: *chokes on drink* Don’t ever fucking insult me like that ever again.
--
(Some type of escort mission or somethin’)
Price: This woman wouldn’t know how to fix a broken fingernail.
Fem!Y/N: Honestly, you lot have to be the most boorish, crude, pig-headed men I’ve ever met.
Price: Hey, I’ve seen the high-bred boys you’ve hung out with, princess. I’m the only man you’ve ever met.
(Insert overly intense sexual tension here)
--
König: How does that even make any-
*knife sound*
König: *looks down at the knife in his thigh* Did you just- *takes knife out* Did you just stab me? What is your problem?!
--
(I’m only using Alejandro cause the dude in the audio had a slight Spanish accent, mans is definitely a feminist)
Alejandro: It’s not natural for girls to fight.
Fem!Y/N: Now it’s not natural for a man to be as stupid as he is tall, but mm. Here you stand!
Alejandro, in love: …
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Nimona headcanons I wrote instead of sleeping
Sometimes the boys forget that Nimona isn’t human
Like they’re used to the shifting into animals aspect of Nimona because she does it as often as she breathes
But sometimes she’ll do some really creepy shit like make her arms longer to reach something when she’s too lazy to get up
One time they shifted just their neck to be like an owl so they could turn their head 180 degrees instead of just turning around cause that was “too boring”
Or he’ll mimic people’s voices without realizing it
Sometimes he’ll tell a story and suddenly he’s using Bal’s voice
The first time she did this Bal searched the whole house cause he was convinced that Todd has snuck in
Or she’ll grow an extra arm to hold more shit and they take a moment to realize “oh yeah we adopted a little weirdo”
They get used to it after a while and the arguments surrounding it are always funny because both the boys will complain and say “I don’t sound like that” and they have to be told “No love you do you really do”
You know those videos of babies reacting to their parents shaving their facial hair or putting on glasses
That’s Nimona's reaction every single time the boys change their appearance even the smallest bit they cant shave or wear their reading glasses because if they do he freaks out
Talking some “help me Nemesis I heard bosses voice but I can’t find him” while Bal was standing right in front of them
It was the first time he shaved his face in years and he’s never doing it again
Mostly cause Ambrosius kept telling him he looked like a teenager and it was freaking him out
I feel like Bal and Ambrosius are those kinds of people who will tell people about the little injuries but neglect the big ones
Like Bal mentioned that he thinks he sprained his ankle during the fight at the institute but he won’t mention that he’s pretty sure he got a concussion
(BECAUSE THIS MAN HEAD-BUTTED TWO PEOPLE WHEN HE HAS A METAL ARM)
(I’m bout to wrap this man in bubble wrap and give him a helmet because wtf)
Ambrosius will complain the whole day about the fact that he has a paper cut
But will completely neglect to inform his doctors “Oh yeah I can’t move my left arm higher than my waist without pain and I can’t see that well out of my left eye or hear that well out of my left ear do you think that’ll be a problem?”
It isn’t until Nimona makes an off handed comment about how this super weird that the laser did basically nothing to him that he told both of them
They literally dragged him to the ER because “Who thinks those symptoms are normal Nemesis what is wrong in that pretty little head of yours!!”
When Bal tells Nimona she’s being a bit of a hypocrite (cause who refers to an arrow as a splinter?) she turns to him and says “I know you’re not saying something Mr. Human battering ram”
It took literally everything in Ambrosius not to break down laughing
After that she forces them to have frequent checkups with the doctor because these dorks wouldn’t go otherwise
Honestly I'm fully convinced that some people in the kingdom don't know who Nimona is and are constantly confused why they let this little weirdo follow them around
And finally the curiosity will eat away at them and they’ll finally ask
Sometimes the boys will give some “normal” answers like “Oh that’s Nimona” and they won’t elaborate at all
Sometimes they’ll give funnier answers like “Oh that’s a raccoon we found in the garage who turned into a person one day” “I don’t know they just showed up in our living room” and their personal best “You see her too?”
And their favorite that they only started using a couple of years down the line “Oh that’s our kid”
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