#i do have very high anxiety AND ocd if that means anything

[s0ckh3adstudios]

Hey random but if there's anything I'm ever somehow being disrespectful about or saying incorrectly or doing wrong things, PLEASE let me know because chances are I have absolutely no idea. Because the last thing I want to do is something disrespectful or offensive

[sporesgalaxy]

hiiii SO ! I'm thinking of trying to get meds for anxiety, but I'm not sure exactly what they do. does it just make there be.. less anxiety? Or does it muffle it?

Different medications have different effects! I'd say it's probably a good idea to ask what your doctor recommends based on your symptoms, and then read about the side effects yourself and see how you feel about them in relation to your symptoms (of anxiety AND anything else!), and let your doctor know if any of the side effects worry you and why.

To use myself as an example: it's currently my second try taking meds for anxiety. I don't remember what the name of the first anxiety medicine I tried was, but when I decided to try meds a second time, I told my new doctor that the last time I tried, my meds had made me feel depressed and emotionally numb, which made me struggle a lot more overall.

She used that info to recommend me Fluoxetine, which is perscribed as both an anti-anxiety (and anti-OCD, which this doctor knows I have) med AND an anti-depressant, so depression is not a common side effect.

The results have been really great! I have an easier time getting out of bed in the morning, and...I mean, Im still CAPABLE of getting scared of stuff, but it's within a reasonable threshhold now. I still feel a sense of urgency and worry if I might be late to something, but it doesn't have me uncontrollably gripping my steering wheel so hard that my fingers hurt, with my heart pounding the whole way there. Worry is no longer a primarily physical sensation for me, which it used to be a MAJORITY of the time. It's just a normal thought-feeling....in my brain. Who knew it could do that!!!!!! not me for most of my life!!!!

I also take propranolol, which is sometimes perscribed for anxiety and sometimes perscribed for high blood pressure or other heart problems. My blood pressure is fine, but my anxiety causes my heartrate to jump VERY OFTEN (which I used to not notice, but today being without my meds for the first time in a while, I felt how often it was and yeah, it was BAD. Like 10 different heartrate spike events in maybe 2 hours). Propranolol keeps my heartrate lower which prevents the adrenaline spike that can send me into a panic spiral about panicking lol.

[eli0004]

Levi's violent, belligerent actions do not mean that he is a "pessimist". Whenever Levi is violent, it is mostly to save his own life and the lives of others. It is true that his actions would be considered evil, but wouldn't you also choose violence if you were faced with a threat to harm you and your loved ones? Let us not forget that he did it out of necessity and in self-defense, not out of pleasure. His roughness is due to his difficult upbringing. I'm sure even he wouldn't want to be like that. I don't need to talk about his mentality, I don't think he would ever think anything pessimistic or cruel. I won't even say I don't think, he wouldn't think.

So on the contrary, he would be very disturbed if his partner had something evil in him, like if he was cruel, ruthless, deceitful, arrogant, selfishly pessimistic, not caring about other people's feelings, other people's lives, and so on.

So I don't understand why you people insist that he will not be with someone who is very optimistic. I believe he has a weakness for selfless, thoughtful people, people who have a purity of goodness in them and he will be drawn to them. Just like himself. I think he would admire people who have these qualities intact in this cruel world.

It's not for nothing that we say he is the most emotional person in the series and the heart of Sc he has a big indiscriminate heart.

And I want to say that this discourse of yours disturbs the people who ship Levi with their optimistic, innocent, weak characters/themselves, and their trust is shaken. It's not just you, there are so many such discourses, those who were upset because they believed that Levi would not like them, and they even say that they avoid reading fanfic, Hc, so as not to see discourses that would make them uncomfortable. Whereas hcs and fanfics are supposed to be about comfort and fun.

If I have to express my own opinion, he First of all, I think that the romance will progress depending on the plot and dynamics, regardless of the character of the partner. Levi is too complex a character to be reduced to criteria and rules. He would be with both an average, optimistic civilian and a soldier with a compassionate character with a pure heart who would not spoil his goodness in this cruel world. And more like that. But I don't think that a character like him, who is selfless, compassionate, values life, every life, cares about the dreams and feelings of others, can be with a cruel, arrogant, selfish character who harbors pessimism, who does not care about life and human life.

Anon, do you know what pessimism means?

A pessimist is a person who is inclined to expect poor outcomes. Someone who tends to see things from a glass half empty perspective, if you will. I am a pessimist, i have OCD and severe anxiety, I’ve always been very focused on all the ways that life could go wrong for me, and i worry about those outcomes a lot. Pessimism is not synonymous with Evil or violence, lots of people with depression or people who have been through or seen hard things are inclined to pessimism. The fact that you put pessimistic and cruel in the same sentence is actually wild.

Additionally, i wrote that he is a deeply emotional character who is very much “in his head” meaning he thinks a lot. I even talked about how he has a very high level of emotional maturity.

And, dear anon, that fifth paragraph💀

Did you know that tumblr has over 547 million users? I’m sure that somewhere in there, there are people who write Levi the way you, and apparently everyone you’re speaking on behalf of, want them to write him. I would encourage you to leave my blog and go find those people. Because you’re absolutely right, tumblr, especially the fanfiction community here, is a place for comfort and fun, so doesn’t this mean that those of us who write him like i do deserve to feel those things? It’s not mandatory that you read my content, and to say that my viewpoints make people uncomfortable to the point of not wanting to read fanfiction???? That’s crazy anon, wild, and honestly it’s terribly manipulative. Also i don’t care.

There are cruel and inhumane things happening everywhere, the world has a lot wrong with it at the moment, i am very involved in humanitarianism and activism. I find your passion for writing essays in fanfiction writer’s inboxes to defend a fictional character to be pretty impressive, but you should direct all that fire towards something that actually makes a difference.

“If i have to express my own opinion”

You don’t, actually, it was unwarranted, but regardless:

Sure, that’s definitely some great stuff you have there, and I’m sure people would love it if you wrote your own content surrounding those ideas. And finally, that last sentence…WHAT????

Anon please explain how you read “He likes someone who is genuine, trustworthy and dependable. Someone who has a strong sense of justice and empathy, who defends and advocates for others when they are unable to defend themselves.” And took from that “cruel, arrogant, and selfish character who harbors pessimism.”

Here’s a short story about something that happened to me last year:

My cat, whom I’ve had for almost nine years, became sick. I took him to the vet and they told me that since triage would take a while due to the amount of people who were there, I could go home and come pick him up when they called me. At the time i was 6 months pregnant and very tired so i went home and cried for several hours, as i was very upset that my cat wasn’t home with me, very upset that he was sick, and I was scared because, as a pessimist, i usually expect the worst outcome. My partner, however is an optimist, and his way of trying to help me was to tell me that everything would go well and that my cat would be fine. But that only served to irritate me, because it was so directly oppositional to my own way of thinking, that it felt like I was being lied to, or given false hope. I would’ve found more comfort in having him sit with me and think over my fears rationally: ex. sure he might be terminally ill, but he also might have just eaten something he shouldn’t have eaten. It turned out that his new wet food wasn’t agreeing with his stomach, so sure, he was fine, but sometimes my worries get in the way of my ability to see that.

A realist is a person who recognizes what is real or possible in a particular situation, and who accepts and deals with things as they really are.

Anyway…do with that what you will, i guess. I normally wouldn’t respond to messages like this but, wow, this was insane and i felt obligated to correct you.

[the-coolest-pharaoh]

(This post is constantly being updated; headcanons are in no particular order.)

TW: Mental health conditions and trauma

My Headcanons for Ahkmenrah

——

He is short and likes to wear his crown (not just because he is a pharaoh) to make him look taller

He’s been claustrophobic ever since he got trapped in his sarcophagus

Refuses to take his cape off around other people (besides Bahiti) due to his scars

He hated being treated better than everyone else; if he had it his way he would have made it so that Egypt treated him like a normal person rather than above everyone else and deserving more respect

He loved his people so much; he was always so kind and generous to them

He spent his entire reign trying to create equality in Egypt (banning slavery, providing more care to the poor, etc.)

He LOVES duckies (King Tut reference the real ones know what I mean)

He pulled a Princess Jasmine a lot and snuck out of the palace dressed like a commoner so that he could just be a person

Does not like to discuss his brother; but will if asked about him because he does not want to be rude

Can walk really well in high heels

He doesn’t believe that fashion has gender—but because of the time period he is from he feels like has to refrain from wearing women’s clothes

His love language is physical touch

He is very ~skittish~ and ~jumpy~

He is pretty shy and likes to observe people before he introduces himself

He’s pretty quiet (kind of canon actually)—both in how much he talks, his volume, and his overall being

He likes to spend most of his time in his tomb where it’s quiet, especially if he had just recently spent time with all of the museum because socialization tires him out

Due to having been sheltered in the palace most of his life and kept as innocent as possible by his parents, Ahk has a hard time grasping real world events and does not have the best social skills

Going off the last point, Ahk also feels like he can fix anything and everything that is bad because he was taught that he can, and when he can’t fix something he gets very uncomfortable and upset

Hates confrontation beyond logic

When he is upset with someone he becomes pretty sassy (again having to do with hating confrontation and also not having great social skills)

He loves loves loves animals and always has; if you take him to a zoo he will refuse to ever leave

He is the only one that the lions do not try and murder; they actually really love him

He’s naturally super graceful

He can do his eyeliner perfectly on his first try

His ears are pierced but all his earrings are in other museums :((

He is physically unable to swear change my mind

He is such a mama’s boy :((

There has always been some tension between him and his dad because of their differing views on how Ahk should rule (aka he has daddy issues)

He has separation anxiety, social anxiety, and epilepsy, also suffers from weak bones, though this issue in particular didn’t start until after he died.

He has OCD from being controlled his whole childhood having high expectations put on him, and he and his brother being compared.

He fidgets with his clothing as a coping mechanism when he’s stressed, anxious or scared.

He has a lil overbite and it’s so cute <3 he has always been a little self-conscious about it though because it slightly affects how he speaks (again kind of canon because Rami has an overbite so)

This boi wouldn’t (more like couldn’t) hurt a fly unless they hurt someone he cares about

He is bisexual

He LOVES 70s music and fashion

Ahk thinks the museum is his kingdom because let’s be honest it is

His birthday is what would now be September 14, 1105 B.C.E. though the Egyptians didn’t celebrate birthdays so he doesn’t make a big deal of it

He is a skilled hunter

He is very curious and interested in academia—he loves to read books and poetry and learn

He loves listening to music, he could dance with his headphones on for hours

Being called ‘dead’ is offensive to him, and probably the rest of the exhibits tbh

He loves all the “mom shows;” reality tv, cooking shows, home improvement shows. His most favorite show is the Kardashians because he relates to the toxic family drama <3

[obsessive-bear-walking]

Trigger warning for discussion of OCD themes, which can trigger people who suffer from OCD.

This post was made so that it could be reblogged and possibly prompt people to do more research. However, it is not required to reblog this post. Not reblogging this post is morally neutral, no one will be harmed and nothing bad will happen if you choose not to reblog it!

I'm only able to cover a very small amount of information, please do your research and take my words with a grain of salt and do further reading if youre interested, I am not an all-knowing being.

So I know most of y'all you think OCD is just about being really clean and that's not your fault but it's super important that y'all understand that

1. Contamination isn't always about germs.

2. That even when it is about germs what that really looks like.

3. OCD can also present as serious morality or religious issues, harm issues, there is an actual subset of ocd called Hit and Run ocd which is a fear of hitting someone with your car people have actually quit driving because of this, skin picking compulsions, etc. There is so much more than wanting to be clean and tidy all the time. (This does not mean that people with "Just Right" ocd or ocd people have tics and compulsions related to cleaning do not exist. They do exist and they are deserving of compassion and consideration when discussing OCD education and acceptance.)

On top of just germs, people with ocd can fear being contaminated by bigotry(Oh look, it's me!), personalities, radioactivity, soap, newspaper, colors, thoughts, words. Anything really.

Even when it is just being "clean" it can be a lot more complicated than that.

"One unusual belief sufferers have is that very small amounts of contaminants can cover very large areas. For example, they may believe that a drop of blood or urine can somehow be spread to coat entire rooms, or even everything they own." - International OCD Foundation

People with OCD having contamination issues is a stereotype but if we know anything about other stereotypes (Such as the stereotype that gay men are high femme) plenty of people fit the stereotype yet are still valid. I personally didn't develop contamination issues with fecal matter until recently despite being able to trace my ocd symptoms back more than a decade.

Morality and religious OCD are extremely common. Here are some examples of both from OCDLA (souce, source) Which is why a lot of content on Tumblr is harmful to OCD people.

Also, reassurance is actually bad for folks with OCD. Which is extremely difficult but very important to know. I sometimes struggle to not reassure people with OCD, it feels cold and callus to say "I won't reassure you." And it would be to anyone else, but seeking reassurance is a compulsion. This is because of how OCD works. To ask for reassurance is often a compulsion for OCD people, it can and often does become addicting while not being helpful.

Which brings me to my next topic:

Compulsions and tics can be just about anything. They can involve counting, tapping, movements, arranging, checking. There is even "just right" OCD where something have to be repeated several times until it is "correct".

The most effective treatment for OCD is medication and ERP (Exposure and Response prevention) which seeks to stop the cycle at the Obsessive Thought and reduce anxiety and therefore stop compulsions. Which essentually trains you to not have as much of a physical reation to your intrusive thoughts. Which is also why statements like "being disturbed by your intrusive thoughts makes you a good person" are actually harmful and inaccurate.

"Unfortunately, with OCD, your brain tells you that you are in danger a lot, even in situations where you “know” that there is a very small likelihood that something bad might happen. This is one of the cruelest parts of this disorder.

Now consider that your compulsive behaviors are your attempts to keep yourself safe when that alarm goes off. What does that mean you are telling your brain when you engage in these behaviors? You are reinforcing the brain’s idea that you must be in danger. Birthday candles are the same as a blazing fire.

In other words, your compulsive behavior fuels that part of your brain that gives out these many unwarranted alarm signals. The bottom line is that in order to reduce your anxiety and your obsessions, you have to make a decision to stop the compulsive behaviors." - International OCD foundation.

Pure-O OCD also exists, which has more mental than physical conpulsions.

Important final note: Thought crimes are not real. Enforcing that they are actively harms people with OCD and no, you can't just say "unless they cause you distress!" because you can still be a decent person while reacting less and less to your intrusive thoughts as that is literally the goal of most pcd treatments. Thoughts are morally neutral.

[adelle-ein]

rambling about the ocd

so yeah yesterday not only did my ocd therapist tell me i have the highest ocd score she's ever seen (and like, she is not a new or inexperienced practitioner by any means) she told me that apparently a lot of my thought and behavior patterns are obsessive-compulsive. and a lot of them tie back to really extreme morality ocd, which actually explains a lot about the ways i've acted my entire life that were just brushed off as weird/quirky/generically anxious. even my other ocd "types" (contamination, etc) are all manifestations of severe morality ocd (i fear various forms of contamination because it makes me immoral, essentially) (that's fun).

i really didn't think it was that bad. i didn't think it was especially bad at all, truth be told, just one of the many diagnoses that make up my weirdness. but actually it's probably been the root cause for everything all along, including stuff i dismissed as just my own weirdness, like the extreme sensory processing stuff that's developed lately (fwiw i bought some new water bottles and significantly improved my hydration so working towards recovery on that). but since i don't have any compulsions that cause myself visible physical harm i didn't think it could be Real ocd. like i don't handwash to a dangerous level or self harm or starve myself, so i thought it was okay (nvm that i have caused myself extreme and permanent-feeling mental damage lol)

i've been perpetually exhausted, 24/7, since i was fourteen. because my brain's been at constant war with itself and still is and inhibits everything i do. because every single action i take is like moving through a molasses of obsessive thoughts and finishing compulsive rituals. my self esteem is somewhere in the marianas trench bc i feel like i'm constantly violating moral norms 24/7. the drugs that allow me even basic function worsen the fatigue and the brain fog and the weakness, but i need them or i literally can't stop doing compulsions. like if they stop making it or something i would need 24/7 care from my parents again bc i wouldn't be able to feed myself or shower or sleep.

i had been wondering a lot the last couple of years if i was autistic, especially with the sensory stuff, but it's now dawning on me that i just have the absolute worst fucking ocd that manifests itself in literally every aspect of my behavior and thought patterns. it looks very autistic on a surface level and gets me a high raads-r score, but probably isn't. like i could still be autistic, sure, but it's most likely that i just have incredibly severe ocd with every "less common" side effect known to man - sensory issues, routine and planning, social anxiety, stimming, etc etc. i did know that ocd/autism/adhd symptom overlap is huge but not that it was this huge.

none of this really changes anything, like i still need treatment, she's still gonna see me, but like, fucking hell. even i had been downplaying how sick i was, and probably still am, like even now i'm like well it can't be THAT bad i'm not dead :) but it is that bad. it's insanely bad. it's far worse than the "well everyone's kinda anxious and depressed right?" standard i keep tricking myself into believing i am. even now i'm STILL fucking questioning it bc i see people with ocd who seem so much worse than me but really i think that's more about what people are willing to put on the internet....i do not share my worst obsessions and compulsions generally and even when speaking privately to people i still downplay things heavily, i just can't do it. i'm extremely good at masking and hiding and downplaying because i've been doing it my whole life and a lot of my compulsive behaviors look pretty normal from the outside...but they're still very bad and the obsession levels are out of control high. and i've been doing so badly lately that i've had to step back from social media a lot because literally everything is a severe trigger at this point, from fandom drama to serious political stuff, because i get caught in a severe mental morality feedback loop every time i see something that can trigger it which is now a lot of things. but the stepping back also triggers a morality loop wheeeeeee (i see a ukraine flag emoji and have to sit there processing extremely distressing Moral Thoughts about ukraine and the war, for like...a while. to give you an idea of how severe it's gotten and why i've absolutely had to go quiet and careful with how i interact with pretty much everything, esp online where extreme positions are really common. i'm also really prone to picking up other people's anxieties and compulsions rn so again have to be SUPER careful what i look at - a tumblr poll about cleaning habits or similar can trigger compulsive behavior...)

it would be super cool if the ssa had cared about any of this but that ship's long sailed and they don't believe in or speak with therapists anyway (at least not in my state, they refused to even contact my therapist for the review they kicked me out over. even MD mental health practitioners aren't really exempt, they treated my psychiatrist incredibly rudely...)

but yeah no wonder i'm so dysfunctional and struggling so badly if i'm this abnormally ill ig

[scentofpines]

last week in class we had to quickly present ourselves, say what we are studying, which semester we are in etc. like two sentences maybe. And my pulse was at around 40000 bpm and I was so nervous waiting for my turn and basically almost forgot who I even was and afterwards I told my friend (sorta) who is with me in that class and she was like "whaaat, really??" and I told her before that I have bad social anxiety and back then she just replied the usual "yeahh me too!!!". but like. when i say I have anxiety i dont mean that I get slighty nervous in an ~uwu adorable~ way before a presentation or meeting someone new. I mean it in the way that when I say something in class my voice shakes so much that it sounds like im gonna cry. that I consistently have a very high pulse in the most normal fucking social setting. that i get intense migraines after being in social situations for more than an hour bc my whole body is so stressed and tense. that i have a mental DISORDER that negatively affects my life in a major way. people have no idea what mental illness is anymore. if your "mental illness" be that anxiety, depression, ocd whatever does/did not actually cause you any real suffering guess what??? you dont have it! you are healthy!! and thats fucking great i would do anything to be healthy too! mental illness does not make you in any way more cool/deep/whatever so just be glad that you dont have it instead of labelling every normal behaviour as "xyz mental illness coded"

[chellyfishing]

apparently i have read seven books already this year, mostly because i have been too tired to do basically anything else (plus january is typically a strong reading month for me, for whatever reason). anyway that sounds like a little more than it is, since two were finishing up my locked tomb reread and two were under 100 pages (poems and essays by mary oliver and, uh, bunnicula, which i read while lying in the tub at 4 am trying to manage pain). the first non-locked tomb book i read was a far wilder magic, which is actually a book i have a LOT of thoughts on that i might get into eventually (still loved it tho! love allison saft’s prose!!) but mostly i wanted to tell you about the two romcoms i read!

i’m really so pleased with both of these books because they are apparently the first romance books i’ve ever given 5/5 stars too (unless you count kings rising, but that’s literally the only other one). i did notice that both of these are ya, which means there’s no sex in either, not even a fade to black, it just doesn’t happen over the course of the story, and i genuinely don’t know if that played a role. i kinda don’t think it did, bc my next-favorite romance book, all the feels, does have graphic sex scenes, but the reason i rated it a little below 5 had more to do with some of the writing choices in other places. SO i dunno! just something to ponder. onto the books!

the first is highly suspicious and unfairly cute by talia hibbert. this is actually my first talia hibbert, who has written a bunch of really well-loved adult romances. i’m looking forward to reading more from here because i loved her writing! it’s so full of charm and personality and literal lols. it doesn’t get boring because the narrative voice(s) are so engaging. the characters are so good in this. the main male character, brad, is also important to me because he’s very casually bisexual and also has OCD (i don’t have OCD but i have fifty other anxiety disorders in a trenchcoat and am somewhat OCD-adjacent, so a lot of his worries and intrusive thoughts really hit!). and our female lead, celine, is a fat girl, but that never ever ever comes up as a pejorative. brad constantly remarks on how beautiful she is and celine herself has a frankly enviable amount of self-confidence. and of course, both of them are black, as seen on the cover. this book truly is unfairly cute. i was rooting for the couple but i was also rooting for all the little friendships they made along the way. just a really good time.

the second one was the borrow-a-boyfriend club by page powars. this book is very ouran-coded, in that our main boy sort of accidentally joins what it is not called but very clearly is a high school host club. the boys are even sorted by Type with a capital T. more importantly this book is the purest definition of trans and queer joy. our boy noah is doing his best to “prove” he’s a boy at his new school to avoid all the little “accidents” and “slip-ups” that drove him from his last school, and it is sad to see him struggle to feel confident in his identity, but the more he’s affirmed the more his joy comes through. he’s got a very dogged personality that is so endearing. genuinely just a very lovable main character to follow. i would have liked to get to know the other characters in the club a little more but this is a pretty short book (under 300 pages) and i feel like for the length of the book we actually do get a pretty good amount of them. and they were lovable too! every time they were nice to noah and he became more embedded in this little friend group/family the happier i felt. our love interest is an absolute disaster but it was in such a quintessentially teenage boy way, especially given his upbringing. such a fun, funny (so many more literal lols) little story about male friendship and queerness and transness and boys and happiness. honestly if “ouran but in ann arbor and haruhi is actually a trans boy” sounds like a good time, do not hesitate!!

[jaydenchip404]

Big Rant

I really need to trauma dump right now. So, serious stuff ahead.

Just so you know, I'm not suicidal right now. I've been clean from self-harm for 5 years now!

(my phone wallpaper for reference (higher quality re-creation of another wallpaper))

I don't know what's wrong with me right now. I WANT to be asexual. I WANT to not be attracted to anyone. For being on the a-spec, I don't understand asexuality. I made a post a while ago saying that I might be aceflux because sometimes I don't feel aroused in situations when I should be. But @Rainyve said that many people believe asexuals always have a low libido, which is false, and try to invalidate high libido asexuals, as they are two different things.”. So I just assume being asexual means not desiring sexual encounters/activities, whether they do or don't have a libido. I don't know at all. I have a normal to high libido, but I don’t want to have sex with anyone. It’s just so confusing.

Obsessing over my LGBTQIA+ labels—it's like this desperate attempt to divert myself from how utterly, painfully suicidal I feel. If I can convince myself I'm unique, maybe there's a reason to stick around. But then I'm left wondering if I'm genuinely queer or if I'm just masking, just trying to force myself into a mold to make life seem less empty, less pointless.

But, like, reading about all the different types of attractions makes me question everything. I get them mixed up because I find them hard to understand. Like isn’t sensual attraction just romantic attraction?

I want to go unlabeled and just exist as an entity that does or doesn’t feel things (bisexual and aromantic), but my OCD is forcing me to find that ONE label, that ONE term that encompasses me as a person. It’s just SOOOO much all at once. My anxiety about this is eating me. But not as bad as school and work have been eating me recently, but that’s another story. It's suffocating, it's exhausting, and I don't know how much longer I can keep it together.

I can’t talk to anyone about this either. Not my family, and I don’t have IRL friends. And people online can’t do much but act as a therapist for my trauma dumping. I feel bad for them.

I’m playing it fast and loose having my phone wallpaper having the bisexual flag colors. And whenever someone sees it they just get really quiet, but never say anything.

I’m so utterly alone in all this. I don’t know what to do… I guess living in my head and dating my fictional OCs or other characters is the best thing for me to do right now. Just fantasizing about my OTP dating.

I both do and don’t want to get my life together. I want to be me, but I don’t know how to accomplish my end goal.

I want to lose a ton of weight, dye my hair bright teal, clear up my acne, wear cute clothes (either E-girl or grunge), learn how to do makeup, and do testosterone but only to the point that it makes me look androgynous (mainly my voice), embrace being a butch, move into a cute little house that I can make look cottagecore (with fairy lights and polaroid pictures), get a girlfriend or boyfriend or joyfriend (or all at the same time!), make a ton of friends, get diagnosed with the proper mental disorders, get proper treatment for my mental disorders, be happy, visit my family very little, write books, become a (best selling) fantasy author, go to college, become a nurse, get married, have 3 children MAX, die old and happy.

I’m aegoromantic, aegosexual, agender, aplatonic, asocial, aurorian, biromantic, bisexual, cisgender, demiboy, demigirl, demisensual, expressionfluid, fictoromantic, genderfluid, genderless, gendervoid, greyromantic, ideaesthetic, idemromantic, lunoric, mascpotius, monoflexible, neutral, non-binary, panpronominal, panto-, perifluid, pronounfluid, tomboy, transmasculine.

This feels like it’s TOO many labels. But I’m unsure how to narrow this down without causing me dysphoria.

I haven't had a crush since 5th grade so I don't know how to deal with romance.

To put that into perspective, I'm 17, and 5th grade is around 10 to 11 years old. I haven't had a crush since I was around 11 years old, since I was held a year back, so I haven't had a crush in 6 years.

I still get 'crushes' (mainly on fictional characters (mainly girls)) but I don't ever want to be in relationships of any type with anyone.

I don't know. I want to be different but in the same way as everyone else.

My mom and I were chatting about my upcoming birthday, and I just can't stand it. In a feeble attempt to lighten the mood, I joked about needing to start paying rent soon. And ya know what she said? She dropped this bomb on me, like it was nothing. 'You'll have to start footing the bill for your own food, clothes, and gas once you're driving.' It hit me like a ton of bricks.

I don't want any of this. I don't want to grow up, to shoulder all these responsibilities. The mere thought of it sends me spiraling into despair. It's suffocating, this weight pressing down on me, crushing any semblance of hope or joy I ever had. I feel like I'm drowning, utterly alone in this vast ocean of adulthood.

And what's worse, I'm expected to fend for myself on a measly $200 a week. It's laughable, really. How am I supposed to survive on that? It's a cruel joke, a slap in the face from life itself. So, the total cost for just 1 week could range from approximately $330 to $420, depending on my specific circumstances and choices with my money.

Right now, I'm drowning in this overwhelming sense of hopelessness. I can't see a way out, can't find a glimmer of light in this suffocating darkness. It's like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, and the only way out seems to be to just let go and fall.

For my 18th birthday, my mom suddenly decides to remember the promises she made way back when I turned 10. Talk about dragging her feet! She acts like she's doing me some huge favor by finally following through now that I’m an adult.

She's all like, 'Oh, you can shave the side of your head.' Like, seriously? I've been waiting for ages for her to come around on this, and now she acts like it's some big revelation now that I'll be an adult. I guess I'll just go with the side shave since it's not like it's permanent or anything. And then there's the whole 'getting my ears double pierced' thing. Again, something she promised years ago and conveniently forgot about until now.

Oh, and let's not forget the new phone and phone case she's throwing in as if that somehow makes up for all the years of broken promises. Yeah, thanks, Mom, but a little consistency would've been nice.

I made the mistake of showing my mom some stuff on my Pinterest—ya know, cute haircuts, outfits, things I've been dreaming about since I was a kid. But then, horror of horrors, she accidentally stumbled upon my other boards when attempting to switch apps. The ones that scream LGBTQIA+ loud and clear, with a literal board titled 'My Type' featuring pretty girls and boys I find attractive.

I felt my heart drop to the floor. Panic set in like a tidal wave. What if she saw? What if she realized? The fear was paralyzing.

To make matters worse, she kept jumping out of Pinterest to Amazon on my phone’s web browser. And then it happened. She caught a glimpse of my phone background—a vibrant, unmistakably bisexual 90s pattern that I created during slow periods at work. I held my breath, waiting for her reaction, but she didn't say a word. Didn't even look at me.

I don't think it registered with her. Thank God for small mercies. But the fear, the sheer terror of being exposed, was suffocating.

I'm really struggling right now. The weight of it all feels unbearable. I can't shake this overwhelming sense of depression. The thought of stepping into adulthood terrifies me to my core.

I mean, look at me. I won't even graduate high school until I'm 19, or maybe even 20 if I can't pull through this trimester. It's like I'm stuck in this perpetual limbo, watching everyone else move forward while I'm trapped in place, suffocating under the pressure to grow up.

And what awaits me? A life of endless toil, paycheck to paycheck, with no room for happiness, no room for fun, no room for friendships or meaningful connections. Just the daily grind, from 9 to 5, until I'm too exhausted to even think.

And don't even get me started on college. The cost is astronomical, a barrier so high it might as well be insurmountable. How am I supposed to afford $3,000 for community college, let alone $50,000 for a private institution? It's a cruel joke, a slap in the face to anyone who dares to dream of a better future.

I'm beginning to see why kids as young as 13 are scrambling to get jobs. In a world where money reigns supreme, where success is measured in dollars and cents, it's like we're set up to fail from the start. If you're not born into wealth or stumble into fame, you might as well kiss any hopes of a bright future goodbye.

I'm drowning in hopelessness here. There's no light at the end of the tunnel, no glimmer of hope to cling to. It's like I'm trapped in a never-ending nightmare, with no way out.

I care more about my sexuality than I do my gender. I know I'm genderfluid between man, woman, agender/genderless/gendervoid, non-binary, and pangender, end of story. My sexuality is just confusing, like I like all genders, but only boys and girls (NOT male and female)???? It's like I'm bisexual and pansexual at the same time. I mainly just go with bisexual since it means 2+, and I'm fine with that. But my romantic/other orientation is what makes me mad, I can't for the life of me figure out what it is. I like greyromanitc, but it's just a loose, fits all, term. I both do and don't experience romantic attraction. It's just so confusing and making me mad that I can't find the perfect label and stuff.

My identity crisis, school, work, growing up, my mom, my personal life, it’s all so suffocating.

I DO NOT want to be real. I want to be in my own fan fiction. My perfect fantasy world. I want to be a witch so bad and wield magic. I would do anything to not live in reality.

[pompadorbz]

Here's a question for you, Do you think Mondo's story would have the same impact had Daiya survived the accident. Everything else would stay the same, backstory of the race, it's effects, the promise (though that one might have to change slightly), etc. Also Do you think that Mondo would have an harder or easier time going into carpentry as Daiya is alive and Mondo would have to tell him to his face over his decision to quit the gang?

SORRY FOR THE LATE REPLY! This ask is genuinely super interesting to me, so I wanted to really mull it over as best as I could and cover as much ground as possible. Since this is such a significant change to Mondo's entire character and his relationship with grief, it also means that there is a LOT of possible scenarios, and with that, a LOT of questions to ask. (Also I'm sure everyone who follows me knows the drill at this point, but for those who don't I use both he/him and she/her for mondo because of a headcanon I'm really super fond of. If I say she/her pronouns at any point, I'm still talking about Mondo. I'm also gonna elaborate on how this scenario would affect her gender moments at the end for fun, lol) For starters I want to speculate that this would be something that Mondo would probably wonder a lot himself. Daiya's death was so permanently life-altering that I'm sure he would probably get caught up in the "what-ifs" herself, along with literally every possibility that comes with that (I think this girl has the most SEVERE ocd ever, as well as ptsd which as I know it, is a much more common hc). In the scenario that this were to actually happen, there's a lot we can consider. I'm gonna go through this in list-ish form i think, since it'll make things a bit easier for me lol.

The first thing I think of when this alternate scenario comes to mind is how Mondo would eventually obtain leadership in the gang, or if she even would to begin with. Motorcycle accidents in reality have an INCREDIBLY high mortality rate. People that do survive usually end up paralyzed, or needing amputations, so I think it's pretty safe to say that Daiya wouldn't be coming back as the gang's leader after that. I think with Daiya still alive and Mondo keeping his same promise to him, it wouldn't have more or less pressure, but I think there would be this totally different KIND of pressure to keep the gang running.

Mondo's reason for having the race with Daiya was to prove that he could be a reliable leader to begin with, especially because of how the rest of the gang viewed her before she'd became the leader. That's why Daiya's death during the race is so much more traumatizing, at least thematically. In a really fucked up sense, Mondo technically gets what she wants. He gets to run the gang and really prove himself, but at an enormous cost. If Daiya manages to survive but ends up having his own life be permanently altered by the accident, it gives an ENTIRELY new read on this philosophy, except now, Daiya is alive for it.

A huge part of Mondo's character and her backstory is the fact that he ended up lying about how Daiya died, but now that he's alive, there's a pretty good chance that the gang would know the full truth, unless if Daiya himself decided to keep things between him and Mondo for her sake. Regardless of whichever happens, Daiya is alive to both know, and tell the truth, and I think this gives Mondo such a deep-rooted paranoia. I think she is already so hyper-aware of how people act around him and think of him, so knowing that they either know the complete truth, or that at the very least, Daiya does, and is able to tell them? THAT would make her anxiety skyrocket, although I doubt that Daiya would be one to want to omit that information (more for Mondo's sake later down the line than his own). Like in canon, Mondo's motivations to run the gang would likely still become INCREDIBLY Daiya-centric. Either way I think he feels like he owes an incredible debt to him, and will do anything to make sure she follows through. The gang would become so much more of a chore in both scenarios I think, but on the bright side, I think Daiya obviously still being alive would be able to give her SO much more reassurance that she wouldn't have gotten otherwise, at least not initially. Daiya to me is someone who seems very cool and levelheaded on the outside, but I think that the whole situation would make him feel a bit of guilt of his own despite being the victim of the crash. He manages to sniff out Mondo's anxiety from a mile away, and even if he forgave Mondo, I doubt it would ever disappear as much as it would become much less noticeable over time, as well as generally burdening Mondo less.

When it comes to leaving the gang to pursue carpentry, I believe it would end up being a lot easier for Mondo to pursue with Daiya still alive. I think that there's this understanding with everyone in the gang that eventually, every leader is going to shift out of that position at some point. With Daiya, him retiring and Mondo taking his place is just another inevitability, and so in his mind, Mondo wouldn't be giving up on her promise by eventually doing the same and passing the torch to Takemichi. Mondo was the leader for the amount of time that she saw fit, and now he's moving onto greener pastures. I think Daiya would be a heavy source of encouragement once he learns about Mondo's own ambitions, even if it would likely take Mondo a while to actually admit that he has them (for a while I'm sure it was something she kept secret because of the promise).

In the killing game itself, I think it could DEFINITELY change the course of the entire story. I think while losing his memories would make the grief feel a little more fresh, I don't think it would be NEAR the level of what it was with Daiya actually dying. Daiya still being alive would imply that he'd probably take Takemichi's place as a hit list target. Perhaps he'd see the both of them together in his motive video as well. As for chapter 2 itself, it would ABSOLUTELY change the story. I'd be hard pressed to say that Mondo's trauma is BETTER (It's not a competition here) , but I think that having Daiya alive, as well as his forgiveness would have a HUGE impact on how he views himself and his strength, as well as just being called strong in general. I think the feeling of inadequacy is absolutely still there, but I think in comparison to the canonical chapter 2, Mondo would be in a MUCH better place. Additionally, him not carrying the burden of his lie on his shoulders would make his chapter 2 motive much more easy to stomach. He may even have a completely different motive entirely, due to his gang already knowing the truth, therefore making the motive useless to Junko for the game. Either way, any situation that keeps Chihiro alive is absolutely going to change the course of the entire remainder of the story (seriously, if she was still alive by the end, the end would've come a lot sooner, and the entirety of sdr2's killing game wouldn't have even happened. Also this would likely keep Taka alive as well, and anything that keeps Taka alive is a nice bonus). AND NOW FOR THE ADDITIONAL GENDER MOMENTS. I think that both Daiya and Mondo are INCREDIBLY sheltered individuals. Like I don't think anything could shake me from that belief, and there's a fair amount pointing to this scattered about Mondo's dialogue. Daiya is equally as out of the know as Mondo likely would've been regarding half of the things she'd learn about herself. The only difference now is that he's gonna still be around while these realizations pop up. WHICH OF COURSE, puts Mondo through a brand new kind of dread, especially since him and Daiya were essentially raised in toxic masculinity city. It probably takes Mondo a while to crack that egg into the pan, so to speak.

I also think that the idea of Daiya being the token cishet is absolutely fucking hilarious. Like he is 100% an ally and down for anything, but he also knows NOTHING. Like for once in his life he's not able to give Mondo his wisdom because in his mind, Mondo's the expert on this stuff even though she literally JUST showed up to the party herself, lol.

Sorry for giving such a long response! I do hope it answered your question!!

[rustedskyprisms]

I just wish I had someone to help me. I’ve had all these experiences by myself, and I’d like to try a higher dose of psilocybin, because, as scary as it can be, I’m curious to see if it actually helps me. At all. I haven’t taken anything beyond moderate doses because I’m doing this by myself. I don’t have anyone around me that could keep an eye on me. Any fear I’ve had, I’ve dealt with it myself-I’ve had to talk myself through it. And that’s what’s funny-because of how severe the OCD is, I’ve had people who are surprised I’m even interested in stuff like that. I am scared every single day of my life-every single day of my life, I am subjected to the most disturbing thoughts imaginable. I think I’ve caused people to die. I could go on and on about it. My point is, I’ve had to get used to being scared. To calming myself down. To not fucking throwing it all away and killing myself. So that’s why, it’s kind of like, yes, I’ve had fear and anxiety and chaos during my experiences, but I have practice-extensive, extensive practice-having to calm myself the fuck down. I’m not saying that means I could never get completely knocked on my ass, which is why I haven’t taken dosages that are very high, but I’m saying…..when people say things like that, they have no idea how fucking afraid I am every single day. This is genuine fear that I have. This stuff is so strong that it’s like it’s its own entity. It’s like there’s another person in my head, that has a huge amount of control over me.

[awetistic-things]

hello! I believe im autistic but I don’t have a special interest. I don’t have any specific 1 thing that im completely passionate about. I mean, maybe psychology but isn’t that too broad? idk. I need to consult someone autistic themselves bc im a minor and I can’t get a therapist and probably can’t convince my parents to get me a diagnosis. my mother thinks I just have high anxiety and ocd. I definitely have dermatillamania though. here’s some of my symptoms:

Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts; I go nonverbal when I’m anxious/stressed/in a social situation where I’m being forced to talk to or interact w someone.

Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities; i do really like sameness but I’m also super impulsive and love changing thing up that don’t have a lot of value to me. for example I would go on a trip to Chicago rn with my friends if I had the means and they wanted to but I’m not changing the way I write my notes or cleaning my room

I have a hard time understanding figurative language and kind of obsessively overanalyze most things that I don’t understand

maybe it’s a mix of me being weird, ocd, and high anxiety that’s been present for my entire life and that I also can’t pinpoint the reason for. or maybe I’m autistic. I know you can’t diagnose a stranger on the internet from a couple paragraphs and I’m sorry if this is too much info.

I’m staying anonymous for my safety but my pronouns are they/it!

hi!

okay, so for starters i'm just gonna share with you some of the articles that helped me essentially start me on my journey of "oh shit i'm autistic" and my own two cents for each statement you made

---------

social interaction:

What Is Social Interaction In Autism - AutismTalkClub.com

i personally relate to the "non-verbal" part of what you said. I tend to lose the ability to speak whenever i am overwhelmed due to environmental factors (senses being overstimulated), but there are many other reasons (sometimes due to masking)

being overwhelmed in social situations is really easy for me personally. mainly because of sesnory issues, masking, resisting the urge to stim, etc and this can set me off into having meltdowns among other things

--------

repetitive behaviors:

Restrictive and Repetitive Behavior | Kennedy Krieger Institute

having a schedule is really important to a lot of people on the spectrum, it can help create some calmness in constant chaos

but, sometimes (such as myself) it is nice to be spontaneous and just do random shit without planning or a schedule or anything

so although repetitive behaviors are an autistic thing, the flexibility can differ depending on the person (emphasize on its a *spectrum*)

---------

language misunderstandings:

Whose metaphor? Autism Spectrum Disorder and metaphorization (metnetscandinavia.com)

that metaphor doesn't necessarily make sense to me, but just in case it makes sense for you there it is

about overanalyzing i totally get that. something I've noticed is that autistic people tend to question "basic" rules and social hierarchies so becoming obsessed with asking "why?' questions is very relatable to say the least

i dont really struggle that much with more everyday metaphors and I love analogies, but once again its a spectrum and I still very much need tone tags to avoid misunderstandings between both parties

-------

the way i figured out i was autistic was through research, research, research. at first I thought that meant clinical studies and such but it also means learning from the community itself, so its cool that you thought to do that (I wish I thought of that immediately)

also about how you don't really have ONE thing for a special interest, that's something normal from what I've seen. you don't have to know everything about something to have it be a special interest. you don't have to have known about it for years or an extremely long period of time. its really an individual thing for how you view hyperfixations and sp.ins (special interests). so, if you think that psychology is a sp.in of yours, then its a sp.in. its really up to you

all the things i sent you arent to diagnose you, but involving yourself in the community, researching a lot, or calling yourself/self-diagnosining yourself as autistic is okay. its perfectly okay. i know you said that because of your age and your parents you arent able to get a diagnosis at this time, but don't let that stop you from finding out more (even if its not with a therapist or your parents) about autism and essentially about who you are

im always free to dm, so please reach out to me if you want to talk (doesn't have to be just about autism) :) /gen (also my discord server for autistic people is linked in my pinned post if you wanna check it out)

[dontkaraabit]

Days on ambilify

I started ambilify Oct 30. I’m gonna document how it helps or if it helps my mental health on here. I have ocd, generalized anxiety, and bipolar 2.

Heads up it’s a lot of complaining from here on out

Oct 31–The first day my eyes really hurt and my anxiety was really bad but I think it was because I was scared to start a new med.

November 1- On the second day my eyes still hurt and when it kicked in and when I woke up it kinda felt like my entire field of vision was a lava lamp (it was really bad when I closed my eyes); I was anxious but in terms of my bipolar cycle I wasn’t at a high and I wasn’t quite at a low, but I was moving closer to a low.

I think it’s way too soon to discuss if it’s helping the bipolar situation, and will be too soon to discuss for a few weeks. I’m also not manic or depressed, I just recently was manic and was cycling really quickly (like every few days); because I was on the wrong meds. (When I come out of a low or high, I’m fine for a bit before the next up or down.) But like I said I felt like before I started this med, I was moving towards a low. I would describe my overall mood as anxious because I’m sensitive to medications and I was worried about the eye thing.

November 2- I was super productive. I woke up early and got all my work done and painted my nails by 9a. (Side note I paint my nails and cut them once a week because my self harm is scratching and short painted nails make it harder to scratch). I also started a new mood blanket.* I figured because I’m starting a new chapter in my mental health journey I should start a new blanket. I also let my cats hang on the patio all day which is big for me bc the OCD. They get dry bathes whenever they come in but it also means I’m basically outside all day because they aren’t allowed outside unsupervised. (I live in az it’s 70 degrees so it’s basically spring).

I would describe my overall mood as anxious, I put myself in an uncomfortable space (which I do believe is necessary for growth particularly for OCD) but the resulting emotion was anxiety, I’ve also been trying to be more active on the internet which is hard because I’m an introvert and have a hard time reaching out to people.

*a mood blanket is basically a temperature blanket (every mood is a different color—when I’m low on cash similar emotions are the same color). I use them to recognize my emotions instead of journaling but I think I’m going to try both hence this.

November 3- I didn’t sleep last night. Which makes me worry because I wouldn’t consider myself an insomniac but not sleeping is becoming my norm…

Today felt relatively normal besides that I didn’t have any anxiety until about 10, but my anxiety was caused by chest pain or vis versa. My mom/nurse/person I call when anything I very wrong said a big medical word I don’t understand, but my chest muscle is sore. So I would say my feeling/mood for the day is fine.

November 4- today sucked. I was so sick all day and I have no idea if it’s a side effect or if I just ate something bad. Like I’ve been nauseous on this med after I eat pretty consistently but today was next level. I was doubled over in pain from my stomach, it felt like I had the flu. Let me go back a second when I started today I was fine, then I got a “you haven’t had enough water signal” from the toperimate (my hands start to tingle then go numb) so I knew I was dehydrated and there was a big thing about drinking water on the papers that came w the med (perks for having a nurse in the fam you read those things so you can answer questions lmao). So I do think not having enough water was a main factor in why I felt bad today. But why I think it could be a side effect or food related is because I get nauseous after I eat. Side note: my therapist missed our appointment and I really need to go to therapy do to the the mass amounts of anxiety I’m having. Overall mood: sick.

November 5- OCD day.

November 6- I don’t feel comfortable in my body, like I’m not comfortable sitting, standing, laying down, walking, nothing. Red thinks I’m manic and so does my mom. I haven’t slept in days; all I want to do is crotchet because I can count. I think I’m just tired and having OCD overload.* I started taking the med in the morning today and half of it. I messaged my doctor two days ago about doing this because of the whole not sleeping thing, I’ll probably hear back on Monday. My overall all mood is anxiety because while tired is a feeling, I don’t think tired is a mood but anxiety over not being able to sleep is. Why isn’t it OCD you ask? It is but I’m also exhausted because of the OCD. I just need sleep.

*all ocd terminally is extremely unoffical. It’s just how I describe my ocd to my doctors. (Psy/ therapist)

November 7- today is my last day on ambilify lol. I told my psy how I was vibing and she was like lol no that’s not okay (my therapist said the same thing). So we no longer are taking it lol. But it won’t be out of my system for three days. Overall mood anxiety

[dorireads]

The Charm Offensive by Alison Cochrun || Book Review

Star Review: 3.5/5⭐

Tropes: Dating Show ????

This was another read I got from booktok! I wish I would learn my lesson, for real. This book was, like, some people's #1 read ever, and very very highly praised, so I set my expectations high and began to read it.

Honestly, it didn't meet my expectations. Not from a this-is-literally-a-piece-of-shit standpoint, but from the way that the story was told and the way the plot developed. If you like a very easy and very blunt read with characters that have blatant nuance rather than subtle and developing nuance, this book is for you. It's not a bad book by any means, it just felt kind of amateur in the way it was written. Which isn't a criminal offense.

To put positives first, this book is an amazing gay romance with a diverse cast of characters, commentary on misogyny and biphobia, a very fun setting of a dating show (this was probably my favorite part of the book! it was so fun to see these characters having to work on a set as someone with no experience in doing that!), and a generally sweet love story.

This book also includes self discovery and talks about finding their genuine passions, meeting other's expectations, and finding parts of themselves that they didn't know existed or had repressed. There is representation of anxiety, OCD, panic attacks, and destigmatizing therapy.

Honestly a very sweet and lovely book, definitely recommend for an easy read romance! I'll talk about parts I disliked under the cut, spoiler warning!

When I talk about reading being a very solitary and personal experience, this is what I mean. This book has been super widely liked, but it just didn't hit all the marks for me.

When we talk about the diversity of this book, it kind of fell flat in the way that everything was written so blatantly instead of developing over the span of the story.

This started when Skylar was introduced, the paragraph describing her reads: "As a queer black woman, Skylar Jones did not become the lead director of a reality television juggernaut by having chill. When she developed early female pattern baldness before forty from the stress of this job, she simply began shaving all her hair off."

I genuinely love and understand the sentiment of wanting to have representation in your writing, but I do feel like these points could have been expressed in better ways rather than just one paragraph in the beginning of the story telling you everything about this character. Because of this, it feels like it was added specifically and only for diversity, which isn't the coolest.

Another point in the book is Charlie having anxiety and OCD. I don't have OCD nor have I researched it very thoroughly, so I can't comment on the way it's been shown here, but I do have anxiety so I feel like I can talk about it.

It felt like Charlie's anxiety was kind of just an excuse in the beginning to push him away from interacting with the show. He signed a contract and consented to the show, but when he got there he consistently walks off set and refuses to participate in the beginning. Later in the book, he is able to participate and talk to the girls almost completely okay, but this is only after he realizes his feelings for Dev. This bothers me because his anxiety isn't dealt with or expanded upon much later in the book, and is only really used as a plot point in order for him not to have to get close with anyone on the show.

Also, Maureen's entire character was an L. I have nothing more to say about her. Cochrun succeeded at making a genuinely unlikeable antagonist, and she didn't even have that major of a role.

The last point that I specifically didn't like very much was the ending. The time skip fell flat because we didn't see anything that happened in between, we just jumped to when Dev's issues had already been mostly solved and when Charlie had already figured out what to do. I wish it had been talked about more so that we felt as though we were looking at a character that had developed and shown development, rather than just being told that he worked on himself and is over it now.

That's all from me!

[drinkinstars]

Heyyy! I was wondering if I could get a match ship (written description)! My chosen group is Stray Kids. :)

I’m a 21 y/o French Canadian girl and I speak both French and English fluently. I can also speak a bit of Spanish (taught in school) and Korean (taught myself and took some classes in Seoul). I don’t want to send a selca, but I can describe my appearance: I have pale skin, blue/grey/green eyes, naturally dark blond hair that is currently dyed a peach colour. I’m 5'3" (161 cm) and relatively skinny (I don’t really see it but that’s how others describe me), and I don’t have much curves. I study and work in the health field, and love helping others.

I’m an INFJ and my Big 6 is the following: Aquarius Sun, Libra Moon, Sagittarius Rising, Aquarius Mercury, Aquarius Venus and Aries Mars.

I’d say I’m a selfless person. As I mentioned before, I love helping others, but will often do so by disregarding my own needs, which makes me a bit of a people pleaser. I highly value other people’s opinions about me, and will do anything to make them happy, even if it means compromising my needs and feelings. I’m a very open-minded person and am always available to listen when others need someone to talk to without judgement, or a shoulder to cry on. I’m also a very passionate person: when I love something or someone, I love deeply, and invest a lot of time and energy into it. If something I like or believe in is being questioned or put down, I always speak up to defend it, and won’t give up until I got my point across. I rarely give up on anything, no matter how hard it gets.

This also means that I’m a very stubborn person, and if I set my mind to something, I will only rarely give it up, and I never give up without a fight. It’s hard to change my mind about anything. Not only am I an introvert, but I’m also very insecure on pretty much every aspect of myself, so going out in big crowds or meeting new people by myself is very stressful, so I tend to shut down and be very quiet. However, once I open up, I can be quite talkative and loud. I can be pretty sarcastic and my friends often say I’m funny. I hate when people raise their voice when they get angry. I’m a perfectionist and set high standards for myself, which I cannot always meet. I suffer from OCD and anxiety, but I’m taking the steps towards managing them. Because of those, I also struggle with dermatillomania, which leaves scars on my skin, so I am very insecure about my skin and cannot go out without makeup. I only take my makeup off around people I’m comfortable with. I am very perceptive of other people’s emotions, but tend to keep mine to myself. I hate feeling vulnerable and it takes a while for someone to gain my trust and for me to open up to them. I have been hurt and deceived in the past, which makes me wary of emotionally investing myself in relationships.

However, I try very hard to believe in love, and I think I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic. I have high standards when it comes to love and romance, and I’d love to think that my next partner will be the person I’ll spend the rest of my life and build a family with. Although we’re not the closest, I love my family and want my future partner to get along with them. I love babies and absolutely want children of my own later in life. I also love animals. I have a dog that I adore and definitely want more pets in the future! My love language is quality time and I often associate how much someone loves me to how much time they make for me, no matter how small. However, since quality time isn’t always possible, I also heavily rely on words of affirmation and often seek confirmation that the person indeed loves and appreciates me. I feel bad for constantly asking for reassurance, so I want someone who is understanding and won’t shame me for doing so. I want someone that will reassure me time after time without complaints. I prefer hugs and cuddles to kisses and am not the biggest fan of PDA (but I make an exception for hand holding), but in private, I can be more affectionate. I especially seek warmth and comfort from loved ones when I’m feeling sleepy and will absolutely melt if someone plays with my hair or massages my scalp while I lay on their lap.

I’m a dancer and I used to be in a competitive team. I can do ballet, jazz, contemporary, lyrical, and even Irish step dance, but hip hop is definitely my weakness, although I’d love to improve! I used to play the violin for years, both as a soloist and in an orchestra, and I’d now love to learn to play the bass, the drums, or the piano. I love listening to music, and I love all kinds of styles. My playlist ranges between glam rock/metal and kpop. I connect to music deeply and I sometimes need quiet alone time while listening to some music to relax. I also have the absolute/perfect pitch, which means that I’m very critical when it comes to my musical skills and will notice every little mistake. In the summer, I play soccer and love to go on hikes (but I’m terrified of everything that looks like a bee and will panic whenever I see one). In the winter, I often go skiing with friends (both downhill and cross-country skiing). I also love travelling and am currently on a six month long trip through East and South-East Asia. I was taught by my parents that travelling is an excellent form of education and is the best way of learning about other cultures in order to better understand others. I also love photography and am pretty good at it. I love skincare, makeup and fashion, and love to express myself through my style. I don’t have a particular style: I sometimes dress like an 80’s rockstar, or I sometimes go for the cottage core or hyper feminine aesthetic. I also love cooking, especially desserts or other sweet stuff, since growing up, I was usually put in charge of cooking desserts. Everyone says I make the best pancakes! However, I despise washing the dishes and will do anything to avoid it. I sometimes love to sit down and watch TV but it has to be captivating enough so I don’t get bored. I love anything crime-related, horror movies, medical-themed shows/movies (Grey’s Anatomy!), and I also love the OG MCU movies (with the Avengers, Loki, Bucky, etc.). I’m also a sucker for cheesy movies and probably know most of the lines in Titanic and The Notebook.

I’m sorry for the terribly long description, I always write too much! Thanks in advance for the ship and I hope you have a great day/night (depending on when you’re reading this)! <3

I would ship you with…

Hyunjin

followed closely by.. Bangchan and Felix

First part of your ship I think would make everybody ship you with Felix but the second part definitely made me go for Chan! So why Hyunjin? I think the foreign line is easier to ship with other foreigners but wow you and Hyunjin seem to have exactly what it takes to make the other happy, the dance thing, the core and most of all I feel like you two would take good care of the other on an emotional level and accept the other one for what they truly are!

Idk why I get the vibe of you two as a Parisian couple

Feel free to ask again for a longer explanation or other readings!

By the way we have a lot of things in common so I would love to see you back there feel free to text me to tell me what u thought if it!

[ghosts-of-may]

TW - as this is about my self-image and ed journey

I never felt good about my appearance - neither my body nor my face. During high school, I fell deep into depression and anorexia where I did not eat for days and lost my mind weighing myself and checking myself in the mirror. I dropped to as low as 43 kgs (165 cm tall), stopped having my period and etc. Then I got help. I got better. Both mentally and physically.

Although my struggle with food never really ended, it became much better in college as it was a new chapter in my life, making new friends, going on dates and therefore frequently going out for drinks and fast food.

I had a slim but healthy build until I graduated college and started my compulsory legal internship. You know how you sit by a desk all day, barely move and eat super unhealthy. Then I gained weight. Still not overweight or anything but I could hardly fit in a size 36. Which was and still is a nightmare for me.

After I became a lawyer, over the course of 5 years or so, I sometimes managed to lose the extra pounds but somehow always gained back due to my unhealthy lifestyle which includes too much alcohol consumption, carbs, countless psychotropic drugs (for anxiety and ocd), birth control pills and very little to no physical activity.

I swear I looked SO GOOD last summer. Everyone was complementing, I felt good in my body for the first time after a very long time. Then about a year ago, I met my boyfriend and you know, have gained "happy relationship weight" while he gained none. All my efforts to follow a strict diet have always got disrupted.

And now I look like a pig and have never felt so bad about my body. I basically feel disgusted looking in the mirror. I feel terrible because of I lack self control.

All I have to is one thing: JUST. DON'T. FUCKING. EAT.

Cut on alcohol, starve, shit your pants if necessary but don't fucking eat. I so regret not losing this weight over spring because it is always harder during summer but this can't be an excuse.

And my perfect looking boyfriend doesn't make anything easier. I feel so inferior and insecure.

I feel so freaked out that if I had one wish, any wish, I would not wish for world peace, collapse of the United States and capitalism, demolishment of abrahamic religions, end of poverty, no, I would wish to wake up 10 kgs lighter without making any fucking effort.

Yet more, I am disgusted by myself even just to think about it but I wish I had a not-serious-and-easily-treatable illness to cause rapid weight loss.

I have to do something. Even if this means to relapse. I can't stand the sight of myself.