#i do think about moon and the virus a lot. how much awareness he has left and if maybe he tried fighting it

[lavenoon]

If only he could control the tides - maybe he wouldn't feel like he's drowning

Companion piece to this

[chaotikanvas]

Ok, ok, so incoming ramble about the Glamrocks that I keep thinking about under the readmore! 

Disclaimer: I can’t promise too much structure to this since I’m just putting some thoughts down, but hopefully it’s still an enjoyable read or something to think about ghfdkñkjgh

—

SO!

A while ago, when I was first planning my first ever fic for SB (which has been thoroughly planned but not written and I haven’t talked about it here at all but that’s! Beside the point!), I started really wondering how the glitch/virus worked (I will keep referring to it as virus as I think it fits a bit more).

And I was so happy that the DLC seemed to be in line with what I was thinking or at the very least it supports my headcanon in a way!

(And oh gosh this is gonna take setting the scene a bit at first so bear with me)

So, I’d like to make a note first of all, that I’m not entirely convinced Glitchtrap is gone, because the end to the princess quest 3 minigame means Vanessa gets freed from possession (via opening the door). There is not a fight with him as a boss that seems to deactivate or get rid of him once and for all, at least. But what happened to him is entirely guesswork on my part. Also, while the DLC implies very strongly that all the other endings are not canon and more stories Gregory drew himself, there are still elements from those endings that I feel cannot be discarded, and they help understand the story. (The blob does exist after all and that is only discovered in the Burntrap ending, and it is my belief that the friend that has the schematics for the underground mentioned by Gregory must be Vanessa, because Freddy seems to have only vague recollections of the place when Vanessa had him clear the way for her before, and also he is not capable of accessing all areas of even the main pizzaplex)

(Also, I squint a little wondering if they changed their minds on which ending was the true ending because the Burntrap ending is the one that has animated cutscenes and a cgi ending image. I actually like that Princess Quest is the canon ending now, since Vanessa gets to be free, but it does come with some inconsistencies. But anyways!!!)

So taking all of that into account! To me, the way the virus works, and considering that there must be a supernatural element to it due to the existence of Glitchtrap, has to do a lot with it locking away the “consciousness” of the animatronics. Much like in the way Vanessa’s true self was locked away actually! In past games, the animatronics only seemed to act outside of their programming due to possession of some kind, but these specific ones seem to actually have self-awareness. I have no doubt that the way they were programmed influences their personality, but the DLC has really emphasized that they are not actually just limited to their functions. 

They have true intelligence! Not a surprise, since Freddy was clearly self-aware since SB, but I like that it seems to be a confirmation of it being the case in general and not just an exception. And I believe this because there are animatronics that are able to snap out of it after Cassie interacts with them. They do seem to think things are normal like any day in the pizzaplex, at first (Eclipse and Roxy) and it would seem like this means they are not truly sentient, but considering that Sun was aware all this time that things were very wrong, and that Moon would attack Cassie if not rebooted, and that Roxy later awakens, realizes the danger and goes to rescue Cassie from the Mimic, makes it clear to me that their self-awareness is the real deal. 

So not only would the virus have to infiltrate the robot’s systems, but it also would have to fight against the “consciousness” of the animatronics to gain control. While we know the Burntrap ending didn’t happen, I think when we see Burntrap trying to take over Freddy is a good visual representation of what might have happened over a long span to the other animatronics.

Ok, ok so! With all that said (again gfkjh)! I’m getting to the main point of this post, which is that I cannot stop thinking about the little backstory we got for Monty and what might have happened with Bonnie!

The damaged model of Bonnie we find in Ruin makes it clear to me that yes, it must have been Monty the one who destroyed him. The scratch grooves that join with the hole in his chest do match with the marks we have seen on other spots, (I thiiink Monty’s room has them), and we know the claws are the characteristic associated with Monty.

(And here I make a sidenote acknowledging some buts, because I went back to read the SB messages, and according to those, Monty only received the upgraded claws to play the bass, which means Bonnie was already gone by then. One of the messages states clearly that Monty received modifications only after being moved to the position of bassist, when Bonnie was out of commission, so either Monty already had really strong claws or it's a bit of an oversight there, but I digress!)

But! Even with that clear evidence, and here it’s where I admit it’s more speculation on my part, I find it a bit hard to believe Monty, the real Monty, at least, would destroy Bonnie just like that. Which makes me think Monty must have been one of the first, if not THE first of the band being infected with the virus. I think it’s a generally accepted headcanon that the virus alters the glamrocks personalities in a way that some of their main character traits are twisted in a destructive way. 

Now, Monty already clearly existed back when Bonnie was in the band. He had his own (large!) area even though he wasn’t part of the main band. The DJ is large and has his own section too, but he seems confined to it and was bought from outside the plex. And Monty seems to have been able to roam around anyways, so I think that probably means the higher ups were counting on Monty being a main animatronic in the future. (I have to wonder if the whole one man band thing from the backstory was something he did do for a brief time at the start, but admittedly that could have been added just in the cardboards). 

With all this in mind, Monty was probably the newest addition, a newcomer in a place that already had the four main animatronics. Almost known by no one in the public and without an established personality in a franchise he’s never been part of before. One of the messages says Monty could be more popular than Bonnie, after Bonnie’s disappearance, which makes me think he was mostly a side attraction, and nowhere near as known as the main glamrocks. Why mention that he could be more popular if the audience was as aware of him as the band right?

So, I think the main trait programmed for Monty’s personality is ambition. The backstory in his ride seems to hint at that. A young Monty with his own little music business, looking in amazement at the Glamrocks and dreaming of one day reaching their level. It would make sense to have one of the robots have this as their main trait, since kids would relate to the big dreams. And it seems to fit with other main traits from the other Glamrocks: Roxy seems to have been made with self-confidence in mind (winning races and having a beauty salon) which might be for encouraging kids, Chica is obviously all for being chipper and energetic and enjoying food (useful in an entertainment establishment that wants kids to indulge and get their parents to spend their money when they’re having a good time), and Freddy is meant to be nice and fatherly and the approachable gentle main face of the franchise.

(Though I am a bit sad Chica gets pushed aside a bit in regards to explicitly showing what she’s really like)

(As a small parenthesis from all this, I want to say that the Pizzaplexes troubles with the virus (or at least the more worrying behavior of the animatronics) are likely relatively recent before Gregory’s arrival. Could be months or a couple of years, don’t know how much exactly, but the fact that there are old messages all around, how some of those help give Gregory hints to where he can find stuff that is still there, how Bonnie’s Bowling Alley has not been rethemed to get rid of the evidence of his existence, Freddy’s hurt over Bonnie being gone sounding (at least to me) still fresh rather than from that long ago, and the message about the disappearances makes me think it can’t have started a decade ago or something like that)

Anyways! 

The Monty “rise to fame” story from the ride establishes that Bonnie “gave” his bass to Monty in order to have him join the band, though that Bonnie cutout is obscured. If they really wanted to make it seem like Monty had retired, why not make a cutout with the most important part of the story clear? They made one with Roxanne styling Monty’s hair! So maybe the plan had been to establish that (in the “in universe” narrative for the animatronics) Bonnie would be the Glamrock that took Monty under his wing and teach him the ropes of being a star? Though probably not with the plans of having him be a Glamrock at all, but maybe appearances with a Glamrock would increase the chances of the new gator attraction succeeding (again, speculation on my part, I know).

Coming back around Monty likely being the newest addition, him still not being established as a popular character would maybe mean that he was an easy target to spread the virus. Way more attention would be paid to the main stars, I think, so I think the probability of him being infected from almost the start is high. And with his main trait being ambition, and Bonnie maybe having been planned to be a sort of pathway to him being more known, it wouldn’t surprise me that by the time the incident happens, the virus has already twisted Monty’s ambition into jealousy and aggression and so he ended up destroying Bonnie that one day. Was Bonnie summoned by Monty? Did Bonnie go to Monty out of his own will because he noticed something was wrong? (which ouch if that was the case. It could very well be even that Vanny noticed that Bonnie noticed something was off and had Monty dispose of Bonnie in order to not have any secrets exposed) Who knows! But this is mostly what I think happened.

And why am I so convinced Monty would not have done this without the virus’ influence? Well… Mostly because of Roxy.

In the main game, Roxy is such a bully. Many of the phrases she says are outright cruel, and at a point where Gregory has done nothing to her yet. But in the DLC we see Roxy as she was meant to be. Encouraging. Lifting a child’s spirits up. Assuring them that they are fantastic how they are. 

We know that Cassie is a lonely child. A bit of an outcast who probably spent a lot of time in the plex while her dad worked. We know that her friends did not show up to her birthday and she treasures Gregory as a friend for being there when she was down. Cassie, seems to me, is the kind of child that would be an easy target for bullying. Insecurities and loneliness seem to be main struggles for her, which is why, if Roxanne was already a bully without the virus, why would she be Cassie’s favorite? Why would she be so nice to this kid that obviously needs the confidence boost Roxanne was made to provide? One of Roxanne’s literal lines in SB towards Gregory is “I bet you don’t even have friends!” Knowing that Roxanne knows this is an issue for Cassie, it seems even more brutal that if she’s in her right mind she would use that as an insult when chasing after Gregory. The Roxanne we see in Ruin is so kind. She is a source of comfort for Cassie, soft spoken, and making sure she feels like number one, instead of being self-obsessed (even if it’s born out of extreme anxiety over her own image). 

So if there is such an extreme change from a virus riddled Roxy, why would Monty’s extremes not be the same? We know not even Freddy is exempt from this sort of change though this one is more evidence from the books (slight not too consequential book spoiler and can’t quote from which book exactly it was, but I remember there was an off handed mention of Glamrock Freddy fighting over a plushie with a kid and then feeling dejected when people got angry at him, so it seems if Freddy was ever truly infected, his change of personality would entail being a spoiled main star?).

And it makes sense! Because Freddy considers all the Glamrocks his friends! We know Chica cares for him, because in the intro to SB she takes a step towards him when he malfunctions. And in the base SB game it looks like Freddy is just in denial about his friends (with the arcade minigolf game even having the famous Freddy in a trashbin course to hint at Monty’s jealousy, which you know could very well a real danger with what happened to Bonnie) (and now that I’m writing that it makes me squint a little at that arcade, since it’s very heavily implied the arcade in Sun and Moon’s room infected them so hmmmmmmm, but I digress), but honestly, seeing Roxy acting how it seems she’s supposed to act right before Cassie turns her off as the final node, really makes me think that the true selves of the animatronics are pushed back by the virus to replace them with a caricature of themselves that will obey Vanny’s commands. I mean, the Glamrock Freddy body is completely headless, and doesn’t even appear in the AR world! I don’t know whether it “attacks” because it’s what it would do if infected, or if it is simply leftover code from the way Freddy hid Gregory in his chest, but there sure as heck isn’t anything resembling a consciousness in there. Besides, we know Vanny was invisible to Freddy.

And if consciousness really is pushed aside by the virus, then it would explain why Monty is like that right now. (At least if my speculation of him being the longest with the virus is true) He would know nothing but anger and at this point he is acting like all he knows how to do is attack. Monty’s mind seems to truly be absolutely gone by now. :(

But aaaah this is getting way too long now fkjdghkjf

I guess I just want to talk about Bonnie a bit more, because we don’t have that much more about him that I can form any conclusions about. I do love the poster in his room! The fact that he really was this close to Freddy! They saw each other everyday and Freddy still decided to write a heartfelt message for Bonnie, that Bonnie decided to hang where he would see it clearly everyday! It really seems that Bonnie cared for Freddy just as much and that makes me so happy! It makes it all the sadder to know how heartbroken Freddy is over Bonnie’s disappearance…

Also I am incredibly confused by the whole wetfloor bot stuff! I don’t know if it’s implied that Bonnie’s “consciousness” somehow managed to transfer to the small bots (or why children screams can be heard from them), and if he managed to stay present through them after all. The little bots never really try to harm or sound alarms on Gregory unless shot at I think, so there’s that to think about! Or maybe Glamrock Bonnie was able to connect himself to them but not transfer? Kind of as long as there are any functional he too would be able to hang on? (Or did someone did that for him and it wasn’t himself who did?) Because deactivating the ones where we find Bonnie makes Bonnie’s eyes go dark. But why?? This I really have no idea about!

There’s also that one floorbot that remains beside a pile of Monty’s merch! And if Bonnie is looking or controlling the wetfloor bots that could mean a lot of things!! If Bonnie is in control, is the bot gathering the merch? Is it a negative thing? A sort of attempt to just collect the merch so it can’t be found ever again like Bonnie himself was? Or maybe, if Bonnie did have the most contact with Monty, did he get to know the real not-virus-infected Monty, and saw the merch as a way to remember someone that was briefly a good friend before things went terribly wrong? Hmmmmmm…

Well, I think that’s all I have! Just wanted to get my thoughts out there! It’s not very organized but if you made it all the way to here, thank you for reading!

[rainbow-starlight]

time for EVEN MORE CHARACTER ANALYSIS 🎉

(this time, with enneagrams!)

So, I love a good personality test, as I know many Tumblr users do. I’m particularly fond of Enneagram, because I feel like it gives a lot more insight into someone compared to, say, MBTI.

So, of course, I sat down and took the test twice: Once for canon Sun, once for canon Moon. A lot (and I do mean a lot) of this is based on speculation, so if you disagree, please let me know why!

I mostly did this because, y’know, there isn’t a lot of characterization for these two, and I wanted to see if I could gain any new knowledge from this. (Which, yep, it absolutely worked.) Hopefully this can be useful for anyone who wants more perspective on writing these two in a more day-to-day sort of setting. It’s almost all speculation, but I found it really interesting.

So, drumroll please… 🥁🥁🥁

Sun is a 2w1, and Moon is a 8w7!

Pretty different from what I found for them online (Sun as a 7w6, Moon as a 1w2). Thoughts on what these mean under the cut.

Most of my information comes from here! Some paraphrasing, some direct quotes. I won’t be directly citing everything because this isn’t an essay.

Sunny

The biggest and most interesting takeaway from Enneagram, to me, is the core hopes and fears.

Sun’s primary hope is to feel loved, and his secondary hope is to be good, have integrity, and be balanced.

Sun’s primary fear is of being unwanted and unworthy of being loved. His secondary fear of being corrupt, evil, or defective.

This is really interesting to think about in the context of the virus. He’s scared of being left behind, maybe doesn’t even understand why Moon is acting the way that he is and is terrified something’s just wrong with them. This could even apply in regards to being moved from the stage to the daycare, in a way.

His main motivations are to express his feelings for others and be needed and appreciated. His secondary motivations are to improve everything and be beyond criticism so nobody can say anything bad about him.

When going through a period of stress, Sun would become more like Moon’s worst traits. He’d be more proud, egocentric, confrontational, aggressive, dominating, vengeful, and demanding of obedience. If he were in danger during this period of time, he’d likely become destructive in his attempts to get out of it, even if that’s not the best way to handle it. He’d also likely become depressed, moody, irrational, hopeless, and ashamed of himself, more prone to self-destruction. He’d probably chase away people who try to help him and self-isolate.

I think that can definitely be seen in the ruin part of HW2 with Sun’s voice lines to the player, as well as how harsh he is on the player during arts & crafts.

When going through a period of growth, Sun would be creative, self-aware, introspective, gentle, compassionate, excitable, spontaneous, cheerful, and productive. He’d be able to be vulnerable yet emotionally strong, grateful for what he has, and excited about just existing. Very much like fanon Sun, honestly.

An unhealthy Sun would likely be manipulative, inflexible, self-serving, and domineering, able to excuse and rationalize his behavior because he sees himself as a victim. He’d likely be obsessive about others’ imperfections and wrongdoings, perhaps to the point of cruelty. He’d be prone to nervous breakdowns.

An average Sun (closest to what we’ve seen so far) would be people-pleasing, orderly, abrasive, overbearing, impatient, self-sacrificial, and codependent. Full of approval and flattery for others. He’d likely hover and mettle in others’ business and scold others for anything done not to his exact specifications.

A healthy Sun (unheard of so far in the games lmao) would be unselfish, compassionate, caring, hopeful, warm-hearted, forgiving, encouraging, and appreciative. He’d actually take care of himself, too.

To help Sun grow into that healthy category, here’s some stuff that would help…

Addressing his own needs before others’.

Not expecting appreciation for the good things he does.

Asking people what they need from him instead of just assuming and trying to help, and accepting that sometimes people don’t want his help without assuming that they dislike him or are rejecting him.

Not trying to call attention to his own hard work.

Learning to recognize the affection and good wishes of others, even if those things take a different shape than he’s familiar with.

Learning to relax and take time for himself, without feeling like this will lead to chaos and disaster.

Not expecting others to change immediately when he explains something, because what’s obvious to him isn’t always obvious to others and people just don’t typically change right away.

Not getting worked up about others’ (or his own) shortcomings, because frustrated with others gets him nowhere and harsh self-criticism just makes him feel worse.

Getting in touch with his own feelings and needs.

Moon

Now, this one was definitely harder. We get so little characterization for him. And yet…

Moon’s primary hope is to protect himself and be in control of his own life and destiny. His secondary hope is to be satisfied and content, and have his needs fulfilled.

Moon’s primary fear is of being harmed or controlled by others, and his secondary fear is of being deprived and in pain.

This is really telling compared to Sun’s. Moon isn’t scared of some sort of fundamental flaw within himself. He also cares much less about what others think of him, and just wants to be happy and safe.

His main motivations are self-reliance, to prove his strength, and to be important and in control of his environment and situation. His secondary motivations are to maintain his freedom and happiness, to avoid missing out, to keep himself excited and occupied, and to avoid pain.

I feel like this definitely tracks. He’s a gremlin that makes a hobby out of bothering the staff by pretending to be a boogeyman. That’s not “security” work (sorry, Moon).

When going through a period of stress, Moon becomes secretive, fearful, perfectionistic, and critical. He’d be reclusive and out of touch with reality, obsessed with yet frightened by his violent thoughts, and incredibly self-destructive. He’d judge others harshly while rationalizing his own actions and wouldn’t hesitate to punish others to get rid of perceived ‘wrongdoers’.

This aligns pretty well with what we’ve seen of Moon with the virus.

When going through a period of growth, Moon picks up some of Sun’s best traits. He becomes open-hearted, caring, focused, compassionate, encouraging, nurturing, loving, perceptive, curious, independent, innovative, and whimsical.

We haven’t really had a chance to see anything like this with Moon, but it feels closer to popular fanon perceptions as well.

An unhealthy Moon would be ruthless and violent. He’d be reckless about his own safety and straight-up murderous. He’d be impulsive and never know when to stop or when he’s taking things too far, and eventually run out of energy or get too broken-down and just give up on himself.

An average Moon would be self-sufficient, hardworking, hyperactive, self-centered, and proud. He wouldn’t pay much attention to his own emotional needs. He’d be combative and intimidating to get his way, and not shy away from threats to get obedience. He’d always be doing things to avoid boredom and have a larger-than-life persona just for the fun of it.

A healthy Moon (at long last…) would be brave, confident, resourceful, decisive, cheerful, passionate, and assertive. He’d actually be very extroverted and easily excited, which goes against a lot of popular headcanons for him, but then again this is the guy whose entire characterization is one long performance of hide-and-seek/tag with the monster under your bed. I feel like it makes sense that he’d be more social when the threat of his worst fears coming true isn’t looming over his head.

How would Moon reach that healthy category?

Recognizing that he’s at his best when he does things like take charge or help people through a crisis. He needs to use some self-restraint and try to inspire others to do what he wants instead of just forcing them.

Learning to let others have their way sometimes, and recognizing that doing this usually won’t mean sacrificing his power or his real needs.

Recognizing that the world is not against him and letting in the affection that’s available.

Accepting that he depends on others and not alienating them.

Not overvaluing being feared/obeyed, and recognizing that those things are not a stand-in for love.

Learning to be less impulsive.

Learning to listen to others, as well as learning to be comfortable without constant stimulation.

Accepting that he doesn’t have to have everything immediately.

Choosing quality over quantity in experiences.

Making sure that what he wants will really be good for him in the long run.

What do these types mean for their relationship and how they’d interact with each other?

They’re more alike than they initially appear!

Both are action-oriented and want to have a personal impact on their environment.

Both can be sentimental and deeply feeling, with a soft side that isn’t as apparent.

Both can play the roles of provider, protector, caretaker, and nurturer while avoiding or even denying their own needs.

Both tend to overwork themselves and be the ‘strong one’ in relationships, although Sun’s type is more likely to be the power behind the throne whereas Moon’s type is more likely to be the one on the throne, which I found really interesting.

Both are passionate, generous, and have good people skills.

Both are strong-willed and like taking on responsibility, as long as they choose it themselves.

Both easily play the roles that the other needs and wants. They see each other’s best qualities and can be the other’s strongest supporter and admirer. They also have clearly-defined roles, so they tend to not get in each other’s way. They make powerful allies who complement each other’s strengths, particularly the good effects they have on others.

However, they have very different values: Sun’s type is more person-oriented, and Moon’s type is more practical. Sun’s type also tends to be more indirect, whereas Moon’s type tends to be more direct. Sun’s type is much more likely to get attached to people and see things from their point of view, whereas Moon’s type does not.

When they’re not doing so good, they may be prone to arguments over whose views are correct: Moon’s confrontational attitude and tendency to shut others out, or Sun’s possessive and self-sacrificial behaviors. Sun’s type is more likely to get caught in a codependent relationship with Moon’s, becoming an apologist and enabler for his bad behavior.

The breakdown in mutual communication/respect/trust would involve Moon seeing Sun as insincere and manipulative, and Sun seeing Moon as cruel and domineering. They’d both become more controlling and harsh with each other, both prone to paranoia and fear of betrayal.

I feel like that’s kind of where we’re at in the games. Sun chooses not to outright warn people about Moon a lot of the time, and they both try to gain total control of their shared body and shut the other out.

AAAAND… DONE!

I hope this was at least an interesting read for you guys, and offered a new perspective on these characters! I recommend checking out the link for further insights into the personality types, because I tried to just limit it to character motivations and interactions and that alone has been ridiculously long.

hey, sunnie, why’d you do this?

neurodivergency. next question.

[ohno-the-sun]

I have lots of thoughts on how the animatronics minds work (especially Sun and Moon) and idk where to put this since it’s not fanfic worthy but I feel the need to put it all down somewhere

Sorta just a brain dump don’t mind me

(just some preface I have very little programming experience and while some of this alludes to real psychology, this is not scientifically accurate at all, just my headcannons)

Now first to establish how the AI work it’s essentially a learning system that compiles multiple directives and inputs to make a decision.

Basically there are multiple learning modules that each receive the same sensory input, but each module has a different directive that it codes for. For example pretty much every animatronic has a “safety” directive that prioritizes human safety and the Glamrocks have a “showtime” directive that helps them perform on stage. Each animatronic can have hundreds to thousands of directives running at any given point. Each directive essentially works by taking the sensory input given to it and spitting out a suggested “action” that should take place given its directive. These actions are then sent to the core processor where there the taken action is chosen. For example, if an animatronic sees a fallen child, an action suggested by the “showtime” directive would be to sing to the child, but a directive from the “safety” directive would be scanning for wounds. Both actions would be sent to the core processor, and based upon probability algorithms (where each action is assigned a probability of 0-100% of being chosen, based on a variety of factors), it would likely choose the safety protocol action. So like the singing option would be assigned a probability of 2% and the scan for wounds suggestion would be assigned a probability of 98%. (Staff consider the “choosing” of a particular action to be completely random, but to the animatronics it’s sorta their free will) This process happens multiple times every second, allowing for adaptability and additions to the behavior. Very basic robots, like the staff bots, only work on one or two directives, making them much less adaptable and sentient compared to the others. It should be noted that not all suggested actions are actual “physical” actions, some could be replaying a memory, changing the probability of another directive being chosen, or simply stating a fact/opinion that a particular directive emphasizes. For an example for the last one, the safety directive could point out “there is snow outside, it will be cold” which could lead to a change in probability for another directive, like the “proper attire” directive.

Now one thing about these directives is that each animatronic has differing levels of awareness of them. Awareness of directives manifests as sorta being able to hear one’s thoughts, like being aware of your own decision making process or hearing thoughts that you otherwise would not act on. Ranking the more complex animatronics in order of least to most aware of their directives we have, Monty, DJ, Chica, Freddy, Roxy, and the DCA (my beloved).

Starting with Monty, even though he’s the least aware of his directives, this doesn’t mean he’s the least sentient. Simply put, he’s a action man first think later kinda guy. He doesn’t like dwelling too long on thoughts or feelings that aren’t important to the present situation. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t still have them though. This ends up messing with his core processor probability mechanism, making him far more impulsive than any other animatronic. When he starts getting errant inputs from a virulent directive (cough cough the peepaw virus) this causes him to act out more violently. He also has a bit of an issue straight up ignoring thoughts that are “bad” to him, like anything to do with a certain rabbit animatronic. 

DJ simply vibes man. He has fewer directives compared to the other complex animatronics, mainly because he rarely directly interacts with humans and tends to stay in one place. This however makes him unstable when a new set of directives are put in place that entail security (the bouncer mode). But he’s overall less impulsive than Monty and is self aware of what directives are running at any given point. He rarely has any conflicts with any of the thoughts he receives, so he doesn’t dwell on them. He is the second most stable animatronic emotionally.

Chica is sorta similar to Monty in that she tends to avoid her thoughts and feelings. She’s a far more self aware of them, and purposely takes actions to avoid hearing them (ie overeating) but other than thoughts that depress her, she’s relatively in tune with them. She ends up being very extroverted as she becomes less aware of her directives when shes with others. This makes her seem kinda airheaded, but when she is alone she does tends to get more contemplative. However when a virus starts to isolate her and increase the number of directives/thoughts that upset her, she goes fully into her bad habits.

Freddy is probably the most stable out of all the animatronics (other than maybe DJ). Even before the virus started to effect everyone, Freddy was always the most dependable and strong. In terms of his headspace, this is mainly because he has a good balance of aware and unaware directives. As seen with those previous, having too little awareness of one’s directives can cause impulsiveness, and we will see later what over awareness can do. Even when Freddy has unwanted thoughts/directives, he is able to reason and process them in a healthy way. Some directives relating to Bonnie do mess with his processor though, but other than those, he is relatively stable.

Roxy tries to seem like she doesn’t care, or hear her own thoughts, but that is a fat lie. She has a lot of errant directives that greatly affect the probability calculations of her core processor. This mainly stems from a lot of her directives being related to her appearance, giving her a lot of input she can’t do anything directly about unless she calls staff. This has given her a lot of self image issues. She makes up for this by continually choosing the most “cool” options, even if it’s not the best action for the situation. This leads to her being pretty mean to the other animatronics, staff, and kids. She’s closest to Chica, as she’s the only one who also has a lot of appearance directives (ayo sexism?), but as mentioned before she has more methods to quiet those thoughts.

Last but not least the daycare attendant. The daycare attendant is unique in that it has two main “modes” Sun and Moon. Each mode has the same directives and core processor, but the probabilities of suggested actions being chosen are changed greatly between the two. For example, the probability of naptime and security directive actions being chosen are reduced greatly in Sun mode, and playtime and crafting directives are reduced in Moon mode. Meaning if the situation calls for it, the other mode can still access its counterparts directives, but in daily use the likelihood of those options being taken are so low they basically never happen. This was meant to be the only difference between the two modes, as with only one processor, there would essentially be only one animatronic in the body. But there was a bug that lead to the memories of the daycare attendant to be split. Now one thing to clarify, memories are considered sensory input, so they go directly to directive modules to aid in learning, but don’t necessarily need to pass through the main processor. However, the only way animatronics are able to consciously recall a memory is if a directive  suggests playing it to the main processor, and that can change its probability calculations. Now the bug Sun and Moon have prevents directives from replaying memories from their counterparts database, essentially preventing recall from an event that happens to them in the other mode. But, the individual directives still processed the memories as they happened regardless of mode (for psychology nerds Sun and Moon basically share implicit memories but don’t share explicit). Now if the daycare attendant were any other animatronic, they would probably be okay. Maybe have some memory issues but their directives are in sync so they would still be one animatronic, except both Sun and Moon are hyper aware of their individual thoughts/directives. Moon sometimes gets thoughts to yell and wake all the children he spent an hour trying to get to bed. Sun wakes up to suddenly have multiple thoughts about certain children needing punishment, except for Sun that child was fine for him. For both, the others memories and directives creates intrusive thoughts for the other, making it difficult to discern which thoughts and feelings belong to them, and which belong to the other. This made both start to develop distinct identities, to the point they consider the other a completely different AI (even though again, they only have one processor). Moon’s directives are far more dangerous compared to Sun’s so for him this has created massive anxiety and frustration. He is not only receiving thoughts and input that are not safe for when children are around, but he is also constantly second guessing himself, not knowing whether or not an action will cause unwanted harm. This makes Sun the incredibly nervous person we see. Moon in general is less scared of his counterpart’s interference, but the constant barrage of both his own and Sun’s thoughts is a lot to deal with. This leads to him being kind of a recluse and really quiet, earning the reputation as the plex cryptid from the other animatronics. He also has a major complex when it comes to comparing himself to Sun, being overly self deprecating and having a skewed viewpoint as to how Sun is like (since they don’t really ‘know’ each other very well). His overthinking is somewhat lessened when he becomes friends with Monty and forms a line of communication with Sun (essentially writing notes to each other constantly), but once Monty joins the main band and the virus starts affecting Moon, everything starts to go south. The virus is a directive, so technically it affects both Sun and Moon, however, the probability of “virus” directives being chosen is far higher for Moon than Sun (since it’s categorized as a security directive). Therefore we have both Sun constantly receiving these extremely distressing thoughts and Moon acting on these thoughts. Tldr, both Sun and Moon are extreme overthinkers who have intrusive thoughts, for Sun this causes anxiety, for Moon this causes depression.

Extra stuff:

Sun and Moon tend to get overwhelmed when they are in situations that activate their counterparts directives. For example darkness and conflict for Sun and bright lights and loud noises for Moon. This leads to them both avoiding these situations as often as possible (Sun being conflict avoidant and Moon preferring a nice dark quiet space to hide away in).

Staff are not sure what determines how aware an animatronic is of their own directives and write it off as a bug.

The virus very specifically targets instabilities in the animatronics programming, taking directives from the base processor and twisting them to be more violent and bad. Basically taking their worst personality traits and turning them against the animatronic. For example, for Moon it amplifies his negative thoughts about Sun, the other animatronics and himself, and suggests violent ways to deal with it. This is how they are able to amplify the probability of these violent actions from being chosen. 

[alyjojo]

Past Life ☯️ Karmic Spread February 2023 - Capricorn

Gender I’m Picking Up On (in the past life): Male

Who You Were: Knight of Cups, 4 Pentacles, King of Pentacles, The Chariot

What You Did: Knight of Wands, 4 Wands, Ace of Pentacles, Wheel of Fortune

How It Ended: 10 Pentacles rev, Knight of Pentacles, 8 Wands, 9 Swords rev

What Karma Was Brought With You: 2 Wands rev, 7 Pentacles, 2 Swords, The Hierophant

Who You Brought With You: Justice, The High Priestess, King of Cups

Additional energy: 7 Cups, Page of Swords, 9 Wands, The Hermit rev, King of Wands rev

Past Life Oracle: Ships & Angels

Dreaming Way: Coffin, Bear, Lilies

Charm:

Alice 🐇 on Justice

Red Moon 🌙 on 9 Wands

Squid 🦑 on Ships

Black Swan 🦢 on Bear

TW: most of these are difficult. You lived a conflicted life, as a male, and much of that inner conflicted energy has been brought with you into this life. Counseling is a repeated message of something you’re needing to do in this life, for your own sake. If this is you, then you already know, it’s not a surprise. In the past, you were really sweet, fanciful, and even romantic sort of “softer” personality than your hardened father figure. He was a fisherman of some kind, weathered in his appearance, calloused hands, scars, probably some horror stories of injuries, the hardworking, silent & strong type. Very strong. Very serious. You were his legacy, and there was never any doubt of what you would be doing, he made you do what he did. “Toughened you up”. Which you did, because you were an honorable sort and aimed to please, and didn’t have much choice, but he didn’t really change you like he credited himself as doing, you just hid your more “feminine” or softer sides, pretended they didn’t exist. In your world, they weren’t appreciated, you were heavily taught to follow a masculine path. You were also a devout follower of personal spirituality, with Angels here, you had experienced (and heard stories of) several close call life or death situations where you felt the Divine had proven itself to you, your faith kept you sane.

You moved around a lot, and didn’t form very many connections because of this, living a nomad sort of life. You went where the fish were more or less. You fell in love once, very quickly, in one of the places you stayed, but then had to leave, and never saw them again. You never stopped looking for them, quietly. The person you ended up marrying was solely for the sake of having a son, legacy, “prodigy”, and you did, I only pick up on one child, and you didn’t love that wife more than what she was useful for to you, you weren’t home much at all. She raised your son, who you did love very much. You may have had illegitimate children in scattered cities, from a string of random affairs, but you never knew them. Or even knew of them. When it came to a legacy or teaching your son, you were more of a hermit in nature, and purposely stayed away, doing what you felt you were born and raised to do, not because you didn’t care but because you didn’t want him to have your life, nor to be like your father was with you. You let him choose his own path, in a distant & cold sort of way. The irony of that was his personality was actually more like your father’s, naturally hardened, masculine, quiet and very serious.

Your death was at an older age, you lived a long time, you didn’t leave behind a big legacy or a lot of money, you kind of resented that whole way of life, and you weren’t home at the time. Probably at work, wherever that was. You may have been suffering from a long term illness, it could’ve been something that ran in your family, and you were aware of it but had to live with. It could also have been some sort of contagious virus, a *plague* type, and you purposely didn’t go home because of that, so it wouldn’t spread there. When death happened, it was quick, and you were released from pain, anxiety, worry, there was no time to even think about it or feel fear.

In this life, you play it safe and take your time when it comes to committing yourself to anything. If there are ever two choices, you choose the safer and more reliable option every time. You’re probably slow to marry, commit, or even deal with relationships. You seem to be wary of yourself more than others, you don’t feel like you can commit to things…because at one time, you couldn’t. And you’re wary of yourself, but we’ll get to that. Who you’ve brought with you is either someone with a lot of secrets, or one of the children you didn’t speak to or know in the past life. This life would be Justice for them and clearing up any voids in their life that you may have unknowingly created. They come up as King of Cups, and could be someone that either holds you accountable for silence, with silence, or you’ve done that to them. They may be a child or a curious & childlike, artistic & emotional sort of person. You may have known them as a child, or since childhood. This may also be someone you don’t speak to on purpose, you’ve had to cut them off, or they with you, and if so the situation was karmic in nature.

Now for the darker stuff. You have brought inner turmoil that may be showing itself as a mental illness in this life. And maybe you had this in a past life, it doesn’t feel like it, it feels more like your softer side was forced out, but how that’s playing out in this life is much darker and damaging for you. It’s why you keep away from commitment, others don’t really know you too closely, because you don’t let them. Bear shows a person wearing a mask, and that’s what you’re doing, hiding very dark characteristics, thoughts, and impulses. They rule your life, all of your decisions, and the reading even says you’ve questioned whether or not you need to see someone for some time. None of this is to make you feel attacked 🙏 It’s chemical, and not your fault, but it’s torturing you. 9 Wands with Red Moon show possible trauma, PTSD, paranoia, something that shows itself as explosive, anger, depression, destructive actions, especially against the self, hurting yourself because of a major lack of self love or confidence. It’s like you’re hiding a whole sub-personality. The angry person in the mirror. Possibly due to trauma. I’m NOT a doctor 💯 There are major trauma reactions, Black Swan on Bear is very dark thoughts, feelings, desires. Sabotaging oneself, maybe others too. They go away long enough to make you question it & then come back, and they’ll keep coming back. Bear conceals this, so it’s conscious, but it can’t always be covered or controlled, and dealing with this dual sided nature has been one of the most difficult things you’ve ever had to experience. On your own too. This reading is simply validating your whole experience, giving you a reason & something to blame that’s not yourself, these things are real, and they are painful for you. You’re not doomed or cursed, and nothing is wrong with you, you just need someone that knows how to help you with this, a psychologist that’s seen it 100 times and can explain to you properly, help you release this inner pressure, judgement, blame, shame, darkness & self hatred. Trying to manage this alone is not working. Lilies is here to show that if you do seek help, you will find peace, it can be helped, treated, and you can overcome this or learn to manage it successfully. Happily. You’re not the only one to experience what you’re experiencing 🪷

[factual-fantasy]

I gots 25 asks here🎶

Not too great if I’m being honest. I’ve been getting a lot more art stolen lately which has totally killed my drive to draw anything. Which sucks because I had this comic I was really excited to post but now I’m really struggling to finish it.

My personal life has been stressful too, but that’s whatever. I’ve got some really good people around me to help me through it. 👍

I’ve been asked this question a lot. And what it really boils down to is it makes me feel like my work was stolen. When I see fanart of my ideas/AUs/characters, I don’t go “Oh this person really likes what I made and made something really nice for me!” I go, “Oh wow.. so this person just kind’a.. took my ideas and drew them without my permission.. greaaat...” 

I know fanart isn’t “stealing”, I know that this view is pretty unreasonable, I know that fanart supposed to be a gift/compliment and that I should be flattered, I know that I’m basically the only artist on planet Earth who doesn't like fanart, I know that I’m too protective of my work, believe me, I know. I’m trying to work on it and be more lenient about fanart and stuff. But for now I just don’t like it and would prefer if no one drew fanart of my works.. 

(Comic series in question)

I have intentions to expand on Foxy’s investigation into the past, I plan to expand on Gregory and his past plus his relationship with the other animatronics.. I wanna expand on the Glamrocks healing process and how Bonnie and Foxy support them through it.. and soon I want to bring the Daycare Attendant and DJ Music Man into the mix.

Especially the DJ, I’ve got big plans for him..  

SPAJSOKJSKDF GET IT? BIG PLANS? AAAAAAAAAAAA

(In reference to this post)

Yes! Yes I did.

I drew TF2 for a very short time, and it was mostly just some odd OCs I made so there’s not many posts about them. But in case you wanna see em here’s the main post that connects to all the other TF2 stuff. :}

I used to be into Transformers: Prime as well! But again, it was mostly just OCs I made, :/ ..

And Octonauts? Yeah! I was into that for a little while actually. No OCs there! If you search the Octonauts tag in my search bar you’ll be sure to find some artwork of mine! :}

Tank you :}} I wish the same for you!

Maybe? Wasn’t his Moon form supposed to be a night patroller of sorts? If so, I think he might have some defense protocols that allow him to protect Fazbear Entertainments property in the case of an intruder.

..Their property being the animatronics.

(Comic in question)

AUHFOWUIDNOIN THANK YOUUU❤❤❤

XD Oh yeah, Foxy and Bonnie too. Especially them actually, the idea is that they’ve never really seen much of Endos. Which is why seeing Bonnies robotic innards was kind’a disturbing for Foxy.  😅

Hmm.. maybe, haven’t really thought that part though yet.. This AU still needs a lot of work. Like all my AUs do honestly :/

Well Bonnie wouldn’t do that thankfully. The night that they fixed him up, Gregory explained everything about his experience at the Pizzaplex and how the others went berserk.

Him and Foxy also thoroughly explained why its very important that no one knows about Gregory. Not Chica, not Monty, not Roxy, not security, no one can know. So Bonnie would be very aware and know better then to mention Gregory in front of the others.

Although if he did? Pff, Foxy would probably smack him upside the head before everything went down XD

After the Afton virus was wiped from her system, the idea is that her faulty voice box was cleared and she will be able to sing again once the employees realize its functioning normally again. :}

They.. cant really do that for a lot of reasons.

The two main reasons though is 1; chances are they’d get caught by cameras/emplyees/security/etc. And 2; Foxy and Bonnie are outdated by years.

There’s barely any spare parts left for them. And the big repair machine is fitted to Glamrocks and their special endoskeletons. If anything that big machine might just end up damaging them instead of helping them.

So all Bonnie, Gregory and Foxy can really do is scour the basement and hope they find the parts to get Bonnie back up on his feet..

(Foxy’s existential crisis)

That’s hilarious but also very flattering, thank you! XD

Yeah, after Bonnie and Foxy really talk it out with the others.. they come to their senses and realize how foolish their tensions were.

In the end, they were all feeling the same pain, and they shut each other out to protect themselves. Now they’re on the road to tearing down their walls and supporting each other. Like they should have from the start.

(Post in question)

Well, realistically they shouldn't be able to. And normally I would pride myself in trying to make the characters realistic...

But uh... I mean.. tears bro... they’re. They’re so EXPRESSIVE, and fun to DRAW. Like, I cant draw characters bein upset and NOT have those bubbly tears leaking down their faces!

So I mean, the animatronics really shouldn’t be able to cry. I cant really see a reason why they’d be built with the ability to cry.. But I just LOVE drawing tears. For me, they’re really expressive and really convey the characters emotions a lot more clearly. 

Lets just pretend they can and there’s no logical explanation as to why.. <XD 

Considering how backwards and crazy the lore for FNAF is right now, I actually believe that Gregory being a robot is 100% possible and likely to be the case.

FNAF is nuts, you never know what they’ll do next now’a days XD

As for the other animatronics.. for one I don’t know how they’d find out. And two, they might think that he’s a part of some new attraction that hasn’t been announced yet. There would be no other logical explanation in their eyes.

Yeah, I felt that it was more kid friendly then what she was wearing before. Same with Chica, They’ve both got skirts now.

Well, Bonnie and Foxy weren’t considered little back in the old days. All the animatronics used to be about the same size back then. Its when the others got converted into Glamrocks that they became about 2 feet taller or something.

But also, Bonnie has something making him look even shorter than he’s supposed to look. The fact that he’s missing a foot. With Bonnie’s missing foot, he has to stand on his flats. Making him basically a foot shorter. (Pff, a foot shorter, haha)

The designs in this picture are outdated, but it’ll show what I mean 👇

See how his right foot is flat on the ground in the sketch VS in the other picture? Imagine how short he is now compared to the Glamrocks when he’s standing flat and bending his knees..

Now the reason why FOXY look’s so short is because although he was a bit shorter than the others to begin with.. he was ALSO standing on his flats to help Bonnie walk in the group shot.

Even after all this is said though, Bonnie and Foxy were designed to walk on their tip toes. And even if the were, they’d still be miles shorter than everyone else XD

Well Freddy isn’t shutting her out because of that night per se.. he knows they weren’t themselves.. He’s more of shutting the others out because he’s got a lot on his mind right now and he’s having a hard time processing it.

How is he going to protect Gregory? How is he going to feed Gregory? Bonnie and Foxy are alive. Bonnie is injured though, is he going to stay alive? Is there anything he can do to repair Bonnie? Will Vanessa find out about Bonnie and Foxy and have them scrapped? What happens if one of the other’s find Gregory? Will they call security? What if Gregory gets sick? What if Gregory gets hurt? What if people come to the Pizzaplex looking for Gregory??

There’s so much stress.. but I can see where you’re coming from with the Frozen reference XD

Chica: “Freddy? Do you wanna make a pizza~? :D“

Freddy, having a panic attack: “N-Not right now chica! I’m a bit tired today.. 😅”

Chica: “Okay byeee..(?) <:/ ”

XD He probably would. If the others were scooping him up like a baby going “aaWWWWAawawee you’re so SMOLLL” He’d be like “No” and then scramble and kick like a mad man to get out of their grasp XD

But you know, if like.. Monty came up to him and just kind’a picked him up without saying anything? Foxy might assume he’s upset and then wouldn’t struggle.

(Comic in question)

I’m glad you liked it! :D Also I do plan to make more for this AU. I have a lot of ideas brewing that I’m really excited to get around to.. I’m just uh.. taking a break for now I guess. These recent art thefts have kind’a killed my spirit for a bit. :/

(My recent FNAF comic)

Aww thank you! I’m so glad you like my Refinedtale AU! :}}

(Post in question)

[short-and-ugly]

non-assorted daycare attendant headcanons

Sun & moon are collectively referred to as "the daycare attendant". I think if Steel Wool really wanted us to think they were separate people, they'd call them the attendants.

Powered by kinetic energy! He has to keep moving or else he'll power down. He can convert caffeine into energy in a pinch.

He is the animatronic that has to be sent to parts and services the most, with Monty right below him. He doesn't get sent for maintenance or broken parts-- he was built far too durable for kids to break him, and he cleans himself pretty well. No, he gets sent for personality adjustments. He's the animatronic that has the most "breakdowns". A lot of people have quit working after witnessing/having to shut him down.

The tiny handprints on his back are stains! Clean, but he just can't get them out, no matter how hard he tries.

Sun isn't allowed out of the daycare, nor is he allowed to touch staff. The other animatronics count as staff.

Moon, however, is allowed. During patrol, at least. If he's active during open hours, he follows the same rules and regulations as Sun.

He isn't supposed to be as obsessive/needy/scary as he is in game. Man's supposed to watch kids, for Pete's sake! The virus got to him differently. Cause he's coded specifically to protect and take care of small children? Or something else? Who knows.

Nicknames for friends are just as over the place as names for him are! One person calls him Sun, another Sundrop, another Sunrise. He calls them sunshine, sunlight, sunbeam, starlight, starbright, starshine, stardust--

Touch receptors, aaaallll over. Gotta know when someone's toddler is ferociously tugging at your foam sunrays.

Which also means he can stub his toe and feel it. All that he'd be able to say about it is [boing.sfx], though. (Swears or fillers are replaced with cartoonist stock sound effects).

The destroyed staff bots in his room are actually salvages from Monty's many rampages. Most get thrown into the dump, but those that survive enough to possibly be repaired were put in the attendant's room. Eventually, they were forgotten. Sun wouldn't dare touch them, to risk getting in trouble for doing something even though no one cares anymore. Moon has no such reservations. He's the part that scribbled marker all over the bots' bodies.

He doesn't know how the arcade machine got into his room, other than it happened after Vanny made everyone... go underground. He's tried getting it out, aware that the staff has been looking for it, but he can't get it through his tube. He can only hope that no one comes in and blames him for stealing it.

Has many different voice settings: Sun, for when he's playing with kids on day mode; Moon, for when he's playing with kids on night mode; Singing, for when he wants/needs to sing something (typically a lullaby as Moon); Patrol/Intruder, for after hours; and Imitation. He collects data about the voices around him and mimics them. He usually uses this for puppet shows-- but sometimes it's fun to surprise a kid with Freddy's voice. He can't sing while imitating, though, so if you asked him to all anyone would hear is an extremely tone-deaf Freddy. If someone down the hall didn't know any better, they'd probably think Fred was malfunctioning.

Remembers nothing from patrol mode, which is why it's so much easier for Vanny to manipulate Moon.

Moon's eyes aren't red during night mode-- actually, only the one on the crescent glows, and it glows a soft blue.

He's definitely looked at his room/attic and asked what the point of cleaning the mess was. There's a little discarded broom right above the broken pile of glass. It breaks my heart thinking he broke something and started to clean it, only to give up part-way through because no one ever comes up there. I love breaking my own heart ❤️

He's also definitely used that one pillow pile next to the arcade to pretend to sleep.

A lot of people seem to think that Sun's level of intelligence is equivalent to that of a child-- but I have to disagree! Sure, he's explosive and seems childish, but have you ever seen an actual daycare? They've gotta be enthusiastic! He needs to match all the kids' energies! I think he knows a lot more than he lets on...

Probably has (limited) access to the internet. It's always a good thing to fuel a child's curiosity! Unless it's not. Then he asks the parents to talk to the kid 🧍🚶

I like to think he'd be decent at drawing. Not full-blown Da Vinci, but enough to draw a character on a kid's arm and not have them throw a tantrum. (He absolutely does still draw stick figures with them, though).

He's probably met the others on patrol, but doesn't remember. He's very cold-shouldered when in that mode. That's probably the reason why the others haven't ever gone to the daycare area for reasons outside of parties.

He doesn't count as a mandated reporter-- but the human staff do! The daycare attendant is much better at recognizing signs than humans are, and is always quick to report.

Takes pinkie promises VERY seriously.

More of a scenario but. It'd be cool if he's seen another daycare attendant. A copy from another establishment, brought in for repairs? A replacement? I just wanna know what his reaction would be... the concept of a existential Sun/Moon intrigues me in a way I can't explain. Asking if he's the first one, or if he's been replaced multiple times. Like that one scene that spurred Glam Fred's own crisis!

Can do quick scans to check for ailments, injuries, or mental states!

Could likely walk around the daycare centre blindfolded.

The hook in his back usually catches onto ropes from the ceilings, but he also has an additional coil inside of him that can shoot out from his back, on the off-chance that he isn't in the daycare.

[zippityzap]

Sonic Tarot Card Project: explanations for character picks

Recently I completed a summer-long project where I created Sonic themed versions of the tarot major acana. I put a lot of research and thought into what characters to assign to which cards, and I wanted to explain my rationale behind each one! (Everything’s under the read more cut because this is a very long post!)

To start off, let me explain why I did this project in the first place. This summer I watched Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure for the first time, and in Part 3, Stardust Crusaders, the majority of the stand abilities are named after the tarot major arcana. Thanks to cultural osmosis I vaguely knew the meanings of a few of the cards and I realised that one of the characters suited his assigned card pretty well. I was curious if this matched anyone else and so once I finished watching that part, I did research on tarot and found that yeah, a lot of them do match! That got me interested in tarot and since I like combining things I’m interested in, I decided to make Sonic versions of the cards.

I do want to note that while Jojo did inspire this project in a lot of ways, I tried not to let my character picks be influenced by Stardust Crusader characters, although there did end up being some picks that did coincidentally happen to match nicely anyway. Also, I’m not gonna lie, ever since picking these card choices I’ve been highly tempted to draw Sonic as Polnareff.

Anyway, on to my explanations for character choices!

0: The Fool (Charmy Bee)

The Fool represents innocence, spontaneity and recklessness. I believe Charmy’s happy and carefree nature, along with the simple fact that he’s essentially just a little kid who likes to have fun makes him a great fit for this card

1: The Magician (Infinite)

The Magician represents creation and strength, but also manipulation and narcissism, a good match for Infinite and the powers of the phantom ruby. (I was also very pleased to notice that the traditional art for the card has an infinity symbol- everything lined up very well!)

The Rider Waite version of the card also depicts a sword, a wand, a cup and a pentacle; the suits of the minor arcana. I have attempted to depict these with various objects from the Sonic series, namely Infinite’s sword from the IDW Forces prequel comic, the sceptre of darkness from '06, a chaos emerald, and a ring respectively.

2: The High Priestess (Princess Elise)

The High Priestess represents secrets, repression, and the unknown, which I believe fits with Elise’s initial desire to control her emotions and her sadness. (Admittedly this is one of the looser character/card connections for this project, but my two other picks for this card I felt were better suited to different cards)

3: The Empress (Vanilla the Rabbit)

The Empress represents nurturing, fertility and childbirth, all traits that I believe make this card a good pick for a kind, caring mother like Vanilla

4: The Emperor (Dr Eggman)

A card fitting for the leader of the Eggman Empire! The Emperor represents authority, power, and tyranny, all traits Dr Robotnik desires, if not possesses in many continuities.

5: The Hierophant (Espio the Chameleon)

The Hierophant represents wisdom and tradition, and in both upright and reversed forms it has large connections to the concept of social conformity. Perhaps I’m drawing more from the various comic versions of Espio, but he comes across to me as someone who is hyper-aware about how he presents himself.

Fun fact: a hierophant is essentially another word for a religious leader, although I’ve never seen it used outside the context of tarot. I assume the religious connection is the reason why in the OST of the Jojo part 3 anime, Kakyoin’s theme is called Noble Pope.

6: The Lovers (Amy Rose)

The Lovers represents love, communication, and passion; and Amy is certainly a character who wears her heart on her sleeve! She’s a good example of a character who I feel fits a number of different cards, however there are no other characters who suited The Lovers quite as much as her.

7: The Chariot (Sonic the Hedgehog)

The Chariot represents journeys, wanderlust as well as the ambition and willpower to achieve your goals, which I believe is the perfect match for Sonic’s adventurous and heroic spirit. This was one of the first cards I decided on and it’s probably the one I’d defend my interpretation of the most.

If you’re wondering why there’s dark and hero chao in the artwork too, it’s because the original card art depicts the titular chariot being pulled by black and white sphinxes, and this is my way of calling back to that.

8: Strength (Maria Robotnik)

This card pick might seem unusual at first if you take the word ‘strength’ at face value, however considering the original card art depicts a maiden peacefully taming a lion, perhaps the Strength card represents inner strength, courage and determination rather than physical strength. These are traits that I believe Maria possesses.

9: The Hermit (Knuckles the Echidna)

The Hermit signifies awareness and independence but when reversed can mean isolation and resignation, traits that parallel well with Knuckles and his duty to be the protector of the Master Emerald

10: The Wheel of Fortune (Big the Cat)

The Wheel of Fortune represents fate, karma and luck! This is admittedly a bit of a cheeky dig at myself since I’m awful at the Big fishing levels in SA1 and mostly got through them through luck. But that’s not to say the card doesn’t apply to Big himself! His frequent cameos do have a bit of a fate/destiny vibe to them and in IDW Big is lucky enough to manage to avoid the metal virus for quite a long time.

11: Justice (Vector the Crocodile)

The meaning of the Justice cards is… pretty much what it says on the tin: fairness and clarity. Of course the Team Chaotix detective agency represents this as a whole, but that trait especially shines through with Vector himself. He may be a little money oriented, but doing what is morally right always takes priority.

12: The Hanged Man (Shadow the Hedgehog)

The thing about Shadow is that he’s a fairly complex character which means there are a number of cards in the Major Arcana that match him well, but I knew early on when tackling this project that I wanted to assign Shadow to The Hanged Man. This card represents change, release and sacrifice, which all align well with the character arc that Shadow goes through during the course of SA2 and beyond.

13: Death (Tikal the Echidna and Chaos)

Despite the morbid name of the card, (and the admittedly macabre scene I’ve depicted) the Death card is not an inherently negative card to draw. Yes, it can mean endings and grief, but it can also mean letting go and new beginnings. The story that Tikal and Chaos go through in SA1, their anguish and how they later find peace, is something that I think pairs well with this particular card.

Fun fact: this is the only card in this project that has two significant characters on it rather than just one. I felt I needed both of them to be on the card in order to fully represent its meaning

14: Temperance (Blaze the Cat)

The Temperance card signifies balance, harmony and patience, which matches Blaze’s very poised and graceful demeanour. Admittedly I had a little bit of trouble deciding on a card for Blaze since the High Priestess and the Hierophant are also good matches for her.

15: The Devil (Rouge the Bat)

The Devil card represents temptation, seduction, and materialism and well… look, Rouge is one of my favourite Sonic characters, I’d be one of the first people to tell you that there’s a lot more to her than what initially appears, she is so much more complex than just sex appeal and a gemstone obsession. However, I felt there was no other character that matched the traits of this specific card better than Rouge, and so my choice was decided by that.

16: The Tower (E-123 Omega)

The Tower card represents a number of things; disruption, disasters, sudden changes etc, however the trait that made me believe that Omega would be the best selection for the card was violence.

17: The Star (Miles ‘Tails’ Prower)

Tails’ character arcs normally centre around him gaining independence and self-confidence and learning to believe in himself. He is also largely characterised by his unyielding faith and trust in Sonic. These traits are the reason why I believe The Star card represents him well, as it symbolises hope and faith.

18: The Moon (Shade the Echidna)

The Moon card symbolises mysteries and the unknown, and when Shade is first introduced in Chronicles, she and the rest of the Nocturnus Clan are certainly presented as mysterious. The Moon can also represent misconception, which fits well with how Shade was initially unaware of the true nature of Ix’s plans.

19: The Sun (Cream the Rabbit)

The Sun, when drawn in an upright position, has a lot of positive meanings! Freedom, fun, happiness, good luck etc. Cream’s cheerful and optimistic disposition makes her a good match for this card

20: Judgement (E-102 Gamma)

The Judgement card symbolises liberation, awakening, redemption and second chances, all of which I believe represent Gamma and his character arc in SA1 well

21: The World (Metal Sonic)

In the upright position, The World card symbolises triumph, completion, strength and happiness while in reversed position can mean failure, anxiety, lack of self-confidence etc. I had both positioning of the card in mind when connecting it to Metal Sonic; he is devoted to the tasks given to him and is self-assured in his belief that he is the true/superior ‘sonic’ yet he repeatedly finds himself at the hands of failure. But he doesn’t let previous failures hold him back, thus starting the cycle anew. (Another connection to the World card as it also symbolises cycles)

[acircusfullofdemons]

Credit where credit is due: @sugarcoatedsadism’s paracosm Gestalt inspired a lot of this & Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman inspired the "sleeping pandemic" thingy. 

Before beginning, here's some context on Earth & Arcadia’s relationship in general: 

The two worlds are mirror versions of each other. Parallel worlds, to be more exact. Earth's main population has Pureblooded Humans (aka humans with 0 magic, basically what we are) & very little acknowledgment of Zaryis, Arcadia's main population is Zaryis & Pureblooded Humans are a thing of the past, etc.

While they are connected, the two rarely interact head-on. Typically, some Zaryis will crossover into Earth for a job (particularly: Puria, Onerioi, & Reapers), and there has been the occasional Earth Human that's slipped through the cracks.

Arcadia is an absolute mystery to Earth. It’s pretty much the only dimension that isn’t aware of the multiverse (at least….not to the extent the other dimensions do). Of course, Arcadia is well aware of Earth & how they mirror each other.

I say all of this to emphasize just how brutal The Rapture was on Earth. If the events described below were to just happen on Arcadia, the planet would be relatively fine, or at least prepared to defend itself against the attacks. Earth, on the other hand….well, let’s see.

Also, I wanna mention that this isn’t even the first time Earth got destroyed in Phantasmagoria….technically this is Earth-II getting fucked up. Earth-I was destroyed long ago & has since become the Dimensional Hub.

In the year 2068, Lux Hart started The Rapture on Earth (if you’re wondering why….same! I think he wanted revenge??).

It was subtle at first, of course. People sleeping would never wake again. Doctors tried to wake them to no avail. Patients were diagnosed with encephalitis lethargica and the event as a whole would later be referred to as “The Sleeping Pandemic” or, “The First Sign” as it would be revealed that it’s linked to The Rapture.

The Second Sign would be the catalyst for the events that followed. “The Glitching'' caused Arcadian Residents to leak through screens and mirrors, effectively “glitching” into Earth's reality. 

The Third Sign (“The Cosmic Wonders”) followed closely after, revealing the existence of Aliens, as Arcadia's moon, Xtuna, collided with Earth’s own moon. Tensions grew and, while both sides tried to remain peaceful, war eventually broke out between Earth & Niyus. 

While half of Earth was waging war with space, the other half was fighting against the tide. This event (“The Floods”) is often talked about alongside Cosmic Wonders, some even considering the two as both the Third Sign as they happened at nearly the same time, with Cosmic Wonders happening a few months earlier. The Floods happened after Atlantis bled over into Earth’s sea, once again causing panic and chaos. 

There were very few safe places to turn, which led the world government systems to create “bunkers” to keep people safe and preserve humanity. Unfortunately, this just made “The Sickness” (4th or 5th Sign depending on how you count things) all the more fatal. The Sickness was when all of Arcadia’s diseases & illnesses spread to Earth. It wiped out most of humanity, as Earth, being full of Pureblooded Humans, had never experienced these types of illnesses before. Working on any sort of cure was quickly revealed to be useless due to the fact that many of the causes and cures were found in Zaryis / Arcadians. The only thing left to do was quickly get rid of (ie; kill) anyone who showed any sign of illness, as there was no way of knowing if it was a common cold or deadly virus.

Humanity was getting worse and worse. Some Arcadians tried to help (particularly Arcadian Humans), but most saw the effort as useless and left the place to rot. The general Arcadian opinion was that, yeah, it’s sad that humanity is dying or whatever but like, they have other things to do, ya know? Most were indifferent as to what Earth was going through. People were dying, getting sick, just straight up disappearing (like….either clipping out of reality or getting Thanos Snapped without the dust)......it was chaos. 

Of course, Humanity is stubborn. It just refuses to die, with or without Arcadia’s help. Eventually, things died down enough for Earth to recover. Its recovery was….slow. The Rapture had destroyed nearly all forms of government, and the ones that weren’t destroyed weren’t in a position to do much without causing more damage in the process. So, a new organization was formed, called “Metamorphosis”. The name was supposed to give people hope that things would change, perhaps even go back to the way it was before.

Metamorphosis has 4 divisions, based on a card deck:

Hearts - The head of Metamorphosis. Presents themselves as a “royal family” & makes the overall decisions within the organization.

Clubs - The medics, healers, doctors, etc. Metamorphosis’ scientists, essentially. They’re in charge of making cures for Arcadian diseases & other technological advancements.

Spades - The soldiers. Metamorphosis really just gathered what was left of Earth’s military & told them to kill anything that wasn’t human lol.

Diamonds - The merchants, money managers, etc. Yes, money is technically useless now, but people still refuse to do anything for free, so….

And that’s how the world ended! Those that survived either live in bunkers that the previous governments built to protect humanity or in neighborhoods built by Metamorphosis to try and re-establish human life. Idk where else to mention this but a lot of the surviving humans also got powers, so pureblooded humans are fully extinct, meaning “humanity” is truly dead in a sense.

[everyhowlmarksthedead]

Myth of the stars.

DARYL DIXON. ┃ THE WALKING DEAD.

❝ words: about 1.4k

❝ summary: Before an expedition, he needs a story to think about while he's gone.

❝ a / n: As always, feedback is appreciated!

Gif credits to the author.

MASTERLIST. ⎢ MULTIFANDOM TAG LIST.

Your mind is blank. Your eyes are on a starry night over your head. It's been a while since you have stopped hearing the loud noise around you of different voices talking, laughing, singing (...), you weren't in the mood to join the farewell party before some of Alexandria's members leave the next morning for a new expedition. Watching Daryl go not knowing if he is going to come back, nor when he is going to do it, is by far the worst feeling you have had in a long, long time. You could accompany the squad, but who would take care of the children in case of an invasion?

You're so lost in your own thoughts that you don't notice the heavy paws over the ground straight to your position, till a wet nose touches your hand to call your attention. Dog is there, waving his tail happily as he breathes by his mouth, half tongue out. Tilting your head stopping your walk, you find Daryl coming closer too. No expression on his face. Some worry maybe.

“You okay, uh?”

“Yeah”. You try to erase that feeling from him by showing him a soft smirk curving your lips.

“Haven't seen you at the party”.

You could give him one hundred excuses, but you aren't a big fan of lies. You don't even know how to lie without being caught. Shrugging your shoulders, you continue with your walk when the man is at your side. You keep your hands inside the pockets of your jacket to warm them up and shelter them from the cold, looking at Daryl sideways before putting your eyes again over the dark sky full of stars.

“I just wanted to enjoy these views. I think… it's the only thing I like from this situation”. You whisper after a brief pause in silence. “Do you know the myth of Artemis and Asteria?”

“No”. The word escapes his rough lips in a soft murmur, turning at you for a second.

But you can feel his curiosity. Daryl loves to hear your stories, to hear your voice. It helps him to sleep some nights when you two share the same bed. He usually asks you about Greek, Norse, or Roman legends, since you used to read about them a lot when your life wasn't dependent on the virus. 

You can't help but bite a side of your bottom lip, licking it before starting to relate what you learned in your past days.

“In Athens, mortals never cared about the environment. The pollution was horrible, and they weren't used to turning off the lights when they weren't using them. So, Asteria —who was the goddess of star and constellation— was afraid of the stars falling apart. She was aware that, if mortals didn't start to worry about pollution, the stars would hit the Earth. She told the Greeks about it, but they didn't hear her”.

“And what happened?” As always, he sounds curious with his gaze on Dog carrying now a stick between his teeth.

“Artemis —the goddess of nature, animals, and the moon— tried to help her. They both went to talk again with the Greeks, but they were a very stubborn populace. Even if they asked to take care of the stars by taking care of the environment, the Greeks continued ignoring their advice”. 

You are really enjoying that moment with Daryl, one of the main things you miss the most when he's gone. Usually, he has to play the brave man, hiding his fears and his worries, but now he is just a man having a good time with life's little pleasures. Not caring about the walkers, nor the dead trying to haunt you continually.

“Artemis and Asteria got tired of trying to make them understand the risk, so they went to consult Zeus. He told them that he had a solution. A solution the Greeks wouldn't like, but there was nothing else to do. The god and goddesses waited till the next day when the cosmos started to fall apart creating a loud noise, terrorizing the populace”.

“They had been looking for it”. Daryl adds then, pointing at the porch of the house you are staying at to sit on the stairs.

“Yeah, they did”. You can't help but giggle, taking a seat close to him, but one step above. “Zeus, Artemis, and Asteria flew Pegasus to Earth. While Asteria gave another speech to the mortals, Zeus protected them from the stars falling down and crashing on the ground. Finally, the god and goddesses convinced them to make a change. And with this change, the stars stopped falling and Asteria, with Artemis help, placed the fallen stars back to the sky”.

By the gesture on his face, you know Daryl has enjoyed it as always. He has become an addict to your stories, your voice, and how easy you relate them. Resting your back against the white wooden railings, you direct your eyes to above your head.

“The moral of the story tells people to take care of the precious world we're living in and the good things it has, the good things it's surrounded by, even if right now isn't the most appropriate place to be in”.

“You're the best thing about this place”. 

Making eye contact, you can see in his orbs he wasn't expecting these words to escape from his thoughts, but he doesn't feel any shame either after saying them out loud. Daryl raises a hand to grab your wrist gently and get your hand out of the pocket. His long fingers getting laced to yours provokes you some soft shivers, briefly moving closer to you till his knees are touching yours.

You can't help but rest your forehead on his shoulder, closing your eyelids as your arms land around his neck. For a moment, you feel the imperious necessity of crying. Your lips start to tremble when Daryl embraces you tightly putting you down a step to hold you against his body. He's not a man of expressing his sentiments through words, but gestures. Since he met you a year ago, finding you trying to hide from a herd of walkers, he hasn't been capable of getting away from you. It isn't easier for Daryl either to abandon Alexandria for the first time leaving you there, not knowing when he will return. 

“We should… go inside”. You mumble although you don't want him to pull himself away from you —under any circumstances.

But people don't know about you. They think you are only good friends, not that you were meant to be for each other. The hunter nods his head standing up and helping you to while whistling to Dog to follow you inside. 

As soon as you close the door behind your back, Daryl lifts you unexpectedly into his arms to bring you to the sofa. He falls on top of your body, settling himself between your legs as his lips go straight to yours. You can taste the nicotine and the alcohol in his saliva when his tongue makes its own way into your mouth, caressing yours with so much care. After unzipping your jacket, his calloused and rough hands paw your sides, almost dragging his palms over your warm skin trying to memorize every single inch of it —as if it wasn't a well-known territory for him. Daryl loves how smooth your skin is, it drives him crazy.

“I'll come back sooner or later”. He speaks under your breath, softly gasping when you tangle your fingers in brown locks of hair to push him somewhat closer. “I always come back… You know it”.

“I'm gonna miss you… I won't sleep on the nights thinking about you, wishing you're still alive”.

As your lips quiver again, Daryl doesn't hesitate to peck them with so much tenderness; slowly, delighting himself in every touch whilst you caress his hair. 

“I haven't said it before, but I love you”. His murmurs race your heart, nailing your crystal eyes on the most sincere ones you haven't seen in your life. “I'll come back for you, I promise”.

Moving your left hand to his cheek, you tilt your head up to trap his lips again among yours. A loving kiss that pretends to transmit to him every single sentiment you feel for him, the fact that your heart only beats for his. You couldn't rather be in another place, nor another situation. Sometimes you thank the cosmos and the destiny for putting Daryl in your life.

[danwhobrowses]

One Piece Chapter 995: Initial Thoughts

And the count drops to 5 After a long week break One Piece is back to continue the back and forth of the Onigashima Raid, looks like Chapter 1000 may still remain in Act 3 which is...concerning, since Act 4 is meant to be the tragedy parts But for now, we see what 995 has to offer Spoilers for Chapter 995 of course, Support the Official Release Too!

It was a bit strange seeing a chapter cover after the whole Bege story ended XD But Luffy with an owl teacher is fun, and the squirrels

We however start on the outskirts, Big Mom vs Marco, and he’s kinda holding his own. It is worth noting that his fire seems to hurt Prometheus and Zeus looks out of commission still

Marco stating that he ‘doesn’t know his role yet’ is a bit of a worrisome flag, bug I do have an idea

BM does pin Marco down the easy way though, just grab him. Seems that Perospero’s alliance was super short lived - alliances and betrayal going hand in hand

But he gloated too much and Wanda and Carrot jump in in their Su Long forms! Peros is lucky he isn’t blinded, I mean he kinda should be, he has enough scars

‘You crazy furry’ - I don’t care if Viz changes that this is the canon line and hilarious!

BM seems to recognize Carrot though, which continues to bode the question: why didn’t she get a bounty for rinsing a line of a Yonko’s fleet? Franky did less in Enies Lobby and got a bounty

Wanda’s Su Long is kinda expected, but it’s good to see that she wants to avenge Pedro too, despite Peros’ objections. Gotta worry a little though, very easy to lose one of them in a 2v1 situation

Big Mom bouncing is strange though, she’s basically ditching her eldest injured son. What she says is interesting too, she doesn’t have any souls to use against Marco, meaning at this current point she’s somewhat weakened in terms of damage output

Carrot and Wanda are letting Marco make chase though, however the Ice Demons is where I expect him to gravitate towards

The Apoo chase is for the most part turning everyone against him, but in that manner also turning Kaido’s lesser forces against him

Tonfa is a unique choice of weapon for Apoo, maybe the extra joints allow more movement with them, but he should not last long against Drake and Zoro both going at him

Zoro vocally noting that he wants to support Kin’emon is telling, Oda is intentionally keeping Zoro away from Kaido

Drake though having no filter ‘I’ve always hated you’ - like cold blooded

Queen though seems to have eyes on Zoro, but he’s gonna be very rudely awakened if he tries it thinking that he’s merely the ‘3rd best fighter’. His musing about Sanji is interesting though, he doesn’t say Germa or the Evil Army, he says ‘Judge’s Son’ - implied familiarity? Oh lord what if Sanji’s uncle is Queen!? Both are blonde scientific geniuses

Brook being immune to Ice Oni does make a lot of sense, it may also become a key factor in getting to Apoo or Queen but he’s basically now a walking infection that he may be able to use, but Chopper is mulling how the virus works

And doesn’t notice that he’s got it too! Strange he didn’t feel it though huh? There is of course now the worry of ‘Healer Down’ but Chopper can change his shape to limit the spread, this also gives him a chance to self-treat an antidote or just allow a Pineapple to heal him with his healing flames

I do have worry about that Number-shaped shadow on the panel where Brook is saying he’s invincible, it’s got its eyes on Chopper

We finally get over to Usopp and Nami vs Ulti and Pay-Pay...though it’s turned out to just be Usopp vs Ulti and Pay-Pay.

Interestingly, Usopp seems able to handle Ulti from range, but with both it is a struggle. Ulti’s heart though

Unfortunately he seems to be on the end of ‘another’ headbutt. An Alabasta-esque Fatality showing Usopp’s skull very much cracked...surprised he has any bones left in his nose

Ulti turns her eyes to a felled Nami, but we’re shown Beast Pirates fleeing from outside, which should’ve really given away that an ally was coming

Nami definitely doesn’t want to die so pulls the bargaining, but Ulti wants her to retract Luffy’s statement about being Pirate King

PANDAMAN SMILE! Just...wow

I’m a little let down by Usopp though, even if it’s lying to stay alive to be okay with Nami saying that Luffy won’t be Pirate King doesn’t sit well, it feels like it contrasts his Alabasta moment as well when he refused to allow Luffy to be insulted

But Nami won’t say it, she says that he will, so it’s nice that Nami gets that moment too

And here to save Nami is Komachiyo rode in by Tama!

Sweet Child it’s cool that you’re here but this battlefield is not safe for you!

So yeah, really good chapter regarding developments, the picture does continue to become clearer. Big Mom is back on the loose, but without Zeus and Prometheus she is weakened. Marco is becoming aware of the Ice Oni - which Brook and Chopper are infected with but only the latter subject to its damage. Queen looks to eliminate Zoro. Carrot and Wanda are to fight Perospero and Tama has come for support right where Usopp and Nami are facing Ulti and Pay-Pay.

It all leads to interesting routes, of course Zoro vs Queen is a big one but I do see Drake jumping in on that, maybe even Hawkins, Apoo, Brook and/or Who’s Who, he isn’t the most popular of All Stars after all. I do still think Marco will save Chopper and the floor from Ice Oni, Chopper will be able to uncover the key part of it before fully turning, but through that Chopper can get that W over the Plague. I worry about Carrot and Wanda vs Perospero, I think Peros may get some help, he has a whole crew at the bottom of the Waterfall loaded as Chekov’s gun, but with the rest of the Minks falling back from the Dome as well it could be Minks vs Big Mom pirates. I worry most for Wanda because she is another one of Carrot’s close mink friends, she could easily lose a lot from this especially from the clock of Su Long. Seeking vengeance rarely goes the way people expect, I kinda hope that Carrot gets clarity and returns to support Luffy and co, mainly because I am Carrot4Nakama - I doubt she’s got her fill from adventure and she could easily get a bounty post-Wano (I even think her nickname of ‘Moon Rabbit’ would be suitable). While I thought that the title would relate to Shinobu, I did correctly predict Tama rolling up in my Mini-Theory Mashup Wano Edition (Link Here), she is far too much of a pivotal character to be kept away from this, she is a key factor as well. Not only will her arrival kick Usopp and Nami’s protective senses into gear to potentially get the W against Ulti and Pay-Pay (who while I enjoy their dynamic it’s a rough spot when they’re fighting people I like) but she also has influence factors with Luffy and Big Mom. She can be the later kick up the ass for Luffy to remember what he is fighting for but for Big Mom she can be the changing factor, Tama is who drove O-Lin to Udon, whether Big Mom has memories of Tama could in turn prove beneficial for the alliance in having BM turn on Kaido, if she runs in on Nami and Usopp too this could lead to Nami gaining an advantage by reclaiming Zeus.

But yeah, a lot of this was what others are doing aside from the Luffy, Yamato and Scabbards situation, we still are due to see Caribou, Team Law, Team Kid and Hiyori and who that shadowed person is (still think it’s Moria) but we still have 5 more chapters to go fill the big 1000

[ruffiorocks]

Kara needs to realise she's in love with Lena on her own!!

This one for away from me! 😅

I've been seeing a lot of posts saying they wish Cat Grant would come back and tell Kara she is in love with Lena, or that Alex should tell her.

But the thing is, I don't want that to happen!

Guys, one of things that has been annoying people to no end is the fact that Kara has to be TOLD she's into someone. She had to be told she was into Mon El and she's basically being told she's into William.

Lena had to be told she had chemistry with James, a romance that came out of literally nowhere and didn't go anywhere but rock bottom because of the lack of build up, chemistry, communication and utter disrespect James had for Lena both as a girlfriend and as his boss.

Anyone who reads my posts knows I couldn't stand James, but at least he and Kara had actual chemistry in season one right from the get go. Kara didn't need to be told she was into James, she was aware of it. She did however have to be told by Alex that Adam was flirting with her.

So why would we want someone to once again tell Kara she is into someone rather than her coming to this realisation all on her own?

Should the writers ever put Kara and Lena together they need to come to the realisation that they are into each other all on their own. Constantly having to be told you are into someone is a poor way of showing a romance.

Antis would have a field day it Alex or anyone else told Kara she was in love with Lena. They would say the exact same thing we've been saying, that they had to be told this because there is no chemistry.

So no, I don't want Cat Grant to come back to tell Kara she's being and idiot and is in love with Lena. Should the writers want to make SC canon I want Kara to realise she's in love with Lena. I want the writers to stop making her an oblivious dumb ass who protests she isn't into someone only for another character to tell her she must be and for her to be like "yeah you must be right and I must be wrong " and to constantly second guess herself.

Kara had chemistry with Mon El but the relationship was riddled with problems, lies and a lack of respect. Not all on Mon Els part, Kara didn't have a lot of respect for him either and tried to push him into doing something he didn't want to do.

My biggest issue with Karamel and why I never saw it as endgame was because these two characters didn't really know all that much about eachother. Kara knew Mon El the ex royal guard and the new person he decided to be on Earth and Mon El knew Kara Danvers and Supergirl. Kara didn't know who Mon El truly was until just before she had to send him away. She found out he was the Prince she couldn't stand and they had no time to discuss it before he was yeeted into space. After Mon El came back he was someone completely different, he wasnt the Mon El she had known and Mon El finally got to meet Kara Zor El. This would have been good for me if he hadn't come back with a wife. But he did, and he still strung Kara along, even discussing his marriage issues with her to the point she told him she didn't want to hear it.

Now Kara and Lena have a similar issue. Lena got to know Kara Danvers and Supergirl but unlike Mon El she knew them as two separate people. Kara got to know Lena Luthor, Lena didn't have a secret second identity and didn't lie about who she was, she didn't pretend to be "Lena Thorul" or "Tess Mercer". Kara actively kept her identity a secret from Lena which would have been fine if she hadn't gone all OOC in season 3 and decided she could play Lena by being an ass to her as Supergirl but then come back and play nice and be Lena's bff as Kara Danvers. Yes, Lena kept secrets from Supergirl but she didn't do these things to hurt her, secrets were kept to protect Sam and it's not like Supergirl didn't keep secrets from Lena. Lena didn't tell Kara everything either, but why would she tell her civilian best friend about the top secret projects she was working on ? Or that she had met with Lex and was keeping him alive? What buisness is that of Kara Danvers?

Remember when Kara screamed at Mon El that she had given her heart to a lying Jack ass?

what if Lena believes she gave her heart to a lying Jack ass as well? Lena even told Kara that she had broken her heart.

The funny thing about these two is that no matter what they just can't forget about each other. Even when Supergirl was being an ass to Lena she was still there for her and Lena was still there for Supergirl. They may have been mad at each other but they came swooping in whenever the other needed help.

Remember the scene where Kara had hoped that what had happened wouldn't ruin their friendship? But Lena wasn't going to sit and take that and told her that she had real friends, ones that didn't lie to her and didn't ask her boyfriend to vilolate her trust? Kara or rather Supergirl looked broken and what did she do? Kara went straight back to Lena for the first time in RAO knows when as Kara Danvers so she could be with her best friend so she could have Lena in some way. But we still saw the guilt on her face when Lena said she could never trust Supergirl again.

Then we had the reveal and great RAO!! That was one of the most emotional scenes the show has ever produced. Kara was broken! She knew what she had done was wrong, keeping the secret for a while wasn't wrong but all the bull shit that came with it and the length of time was what was wrong. Kara herself has admitted this. Kara was practically hyperventilating when she revealed herself and when Lena just walked passed her she was broken. The look of utter relief when she believed Lena had forgiven her was amazing. Personally to me it looked like Lena really did in some way forgive her and couldn't bear to see Kara like that. She's always been weak around Kara, but the moment she was alone with the AI and only her thoughts for company the hard side of her that closes of any feelings of love came out.

Then we had Kara going out of her way to try to make Lena happy. She flew around the world to her her favourite things to make her happy. Lena really looked like she appreciated this , I know that she was pretending but part of me thinks she really did appreciate it. It only took a request and one pouty face from Lena for Kara to break the law, to go against advice not to do it just to make Lena happy. Non of that was healthy for either one of them, the problem was that they didn't really discuss the 3 years of lies and everything that came with it. They had a few tears and a hug and suddenly were bffs only with super benefits now. We know why Lena didn't bring it up, but Kara was willing to accept that everything was absolutely fine and she didn't really question it, she was to over the moon Lena seemed OK with her.

Then we had the scene in the Fortress. Lena may have been trying to play the big bad I don't need you Luthor in this scene but she failed miserably. This was Lena's turn to absolutely break down like Kara did at the award ceremony. There are true feeling of love between these two whichever type of love you decide it is. You don't break down over someone you don't care about. Lena shot Lex to keep the world and Kara safe even though she felt betrayed by Kara. Now I know people hate that Lena used Kryptonite , but I'm sorry Kara showed no signs of pain, only heart break. Plus no one gave a rats ass when Jonn or Alex used it on her and she showed it bloody hurt. Even after she was released from the fortress she showed no signs of being in any pain, so any 'torture' commentators can sit down before you hurt yourselves.

Kara STILL believed in Lena and didn't want her hurt when she was about to use the medusa virus. It was Alex who used and manipulated her. Kara was almost getting through to Lena before Alex decided trick her then to point a canon at Lena! Rememeber it was Hope that shot at Kara, Lena didn't want that to happen at all.

Lena is still fighting to help save the day even when she supposedly hates Kara. She helped during Crisis and even if she did 100% hate Kara and the super friends she is still the reason 1000s are still alive. But no one wants to remember that. No one wants to remember she's the reason National City survived the Daxamites, no one wants to remember how she helped with Reign. No one wants to rememeber how she re-created Harun El and cured cancer. No one wants to rememeber that she mass produced Harun El and gave it to Alura along with the recipe so Argo could survive. No one wants to remember she saved Argo a second time when she shot Lex. No one wants to remember that she saved all the aliens of National City from the isotope. No one wants rememeber she had a suit ready to save Supergirl from the poisoned air. Shall I go on? Lena Luthor is a hero, she's going down a dodgy path because she is hurt, confused, betrayed and traumatised but it doesn't mean she's evil. A lot of fans don't seem to understand the definition of the word at all, Lena isnt being good right now by any stretch of the imagination but she certainly isn't evil.

People keep saying how she should finally have her redemption, and how bad it is that the guys get theirs. But here's the thing, all those things I mentioned above? Those ARE Lena's redemption. To be completely honest, Lena came into the show with people believing she needed redemption because of her name. But she didn't, it wasnt Lena herself who needed the redemption, it was the family name. Lena hasn't redeemed the Luthor name so much because Lillian and Lex kept f**king it up, but my RAO she has more than earned her place as hero and not like her family at all. This right here? Is a set back and everyone likes to conveniently forget everything she's done.

The writers have made Lena very OOC this season. Personally I think she will give up on this idea of hers. Lena isn't an angel, but then neither is Kara, or Alex, or Jonn or Brainy. The only actual angels at the moment are probably Nia and Kelly since we haven't seen them do anything dodgy or kill anyone (I'm assuming bad past Brainy did) and have it glossed over like it didn't matter.

But now we have Kara still not being able to stop talking about Lena. Even in regards to possibly starting a relationship with William she can't help but compare it to what happened to Lena.

Now that was a lot, but bottom line is if Kara is in love with Lena SHE and only SHE needs to come to that realisation. Having someone else tell her would cheapen it and make it look like the writers had no choice but to have some tell Kara to make it real, just like that have been doing non stop so far.

Plus Lena and Kara can not start a relationship any time soon. That would be a terrible idea. They can realise they are in love but starting something together would be rushed and unhealthy. THERAPY! They have Kelly there! But personally I think Kelly giving any kind of therapy to her girlfriends sister and her brothers ex would be a conflict of interest. She would be biased in Kara's favour whether she would realise it or not.

Peace ✌

[thanksjro]

More Than Meets the Eye #14- Everything’s Coming Up Overlord

Our issue opens up with a prologue.

Two miles below the surface of the moon, two miners are going at it, as they discuss the merits of their respective tools. As the guy with the pickaxe hits the floor below him, he exposes a bright green light hiding in the ground.

The miners, amazed, make a call to their boss, Momus; the very same Momus who would one day become a Senator and eventually be killed by the Senate for his Decepticon sympathies.

Momus, once made aware of the situation, makes his own call to the Functionist Council, siting that a Code 113- because of COURSE it is- is taking place. The Council responds by shutting down the mine and sending a representative to check things out. The representative claims his name is Three of Twelve, but I know The One Electronic when I friggin’ see him.

The green light, once authenticated, is scheduled for retrieval and “nurturing”. Because Momus is in charge of the mine, and this green light is a super big deal, Three of Twelve grants him the status of Alt-Mode Exempt; he can basically do whatever the hell he wants, free of Functionist meddling. Dang, Whirl should have tried digging one of these things up! Would’ve saved him a lot of heartache.

Guys, c’mon, it’s Momus! You ought to know by now that he’ll fuck you, but he doesn’t fucking need you. You ain’t getting a thing, and you also won’t have any time to unionize, because you’re going to be dead by the end of the day.

That green light turned out to be a spark, the sort of “soul” that a Transformer has at the core of their being. That murderous little ball of light is a robot zygote.

…They really let the guy with the well-documented thing with pregnancy handle the reproductive aspect of the world building, huh?

Anyway, it’s time to see what Milne’s take on Last Stand of the Wreckers looks like.

Wow, that is just the uncoolest line. I mean, wow.

Make note of Overlord’s lips here. We’ll be seeing a lot more of them once the lady robots make an appearance.

Overlord makes quick work of Springer, punching him into the dirt, and we see someone who most certainly was NOT present for the events of Last Stand.

We do that, jumping to the part where Ironfist explodes Overlord with his mind.

He didn’t say that! My immersion in this story about giant space robots is broken!

This obviously leads to Overlord being reduced to a flaming skeleton, and he screams at Chromedome to scoot his boot so he can get at Verity. Chromedome refuses, antagonizes the guy who’s at least three times his size, then initiates a scene change with a literal snap of his fingers.

Lot of good reference material for Chromedome in this issue. Artists take note.

Here is our first taste of mnemosurgery on someone who isn’t dead or dying, as well as our first taste of Chromedome having something resembling self confidence.

Outside of Overlord’s brain foyer, Chromedome stands on a forklift, with both of his horrid, needly hands punched into his patient’s head. Overlord is still very much in the position we saw him in issue #6, hooked up in a full body harness in something called a slow cell.

Overlord, still very sad that he got stood up by Megatron, tells Chromedome to kill him. Chromedome refuses, saying that he wouldn’t even if he could.

Hey, Chromedome. Maybe don’t tell this guy you can’t kill him. Just seems like maybe not the best idea.

Chromedome gets back to work, getting perhaps a bit too comfortable as he pulls himself up a chair from- I dunno, Overlord’s brain aether.

This really is your element, isn’t it, Chromedome? You’re just straight-up power tripping right now. No wonder Rewind has to literally beg you to not do this.

We jump into another one of Overlord’s memories, where’s he’s getting his shit absolutely destroyed by Megatron in a gladiator fight. We get our first taste of information creep as a concept, which is referred to as eidetic decay here.

I wanna know what the purple guy with the blue visor’s face situation is. Don’t think we’ve run into anyone like that before. It’s a little concerning, if I’m being honest.

We move on to the next memory, but it looks like “same shit, different day” is a huge part of who Overlord is as an individual, because it’s just more of him getting whaled on by Megatron.

After this uncomfortably intimate moment, Megatron puts his bucket helmet back on and states that Overlord is finally “ready.”

Ready for what, you might ask?

You remember that obscene sort of fascination of Roberts’ that we keep running into? We’re about to delve into some of that right now. But first- the set up.

We’re in a new memory, in a place called the Foundry, and Overlord’s been stripped down to his robotic skivvies and placed in a large glass tank. Megatron walks up, berating Rossom (of Rossom’s Trinity fame) and saying “to hell with safety protocols, I’m Megatron and I say we make Overlord into a Phase Sixer, meh meh meh.” Shockwave is there.

Rossom’s concerned about this project, because A) they’re going to be using the last of their ununtrium to do this, and B) if it works, Overlord’s going to be the strongest motherfucker ever, and he’ll probably try to kill Megatron.

Ununtrium is something that actually exists in the real world, though it in no way works like it does in MTMTE. Ununtrium is actually an outdated name for the element Nihonium, a synthetic chemical element, whose most stable form has a half-life of 10 seconds. It has no known properties or qualities, because it simply doesn’t last long enough to be studied that in-depth. So why use this element in the story? The answer lies in the placeholder name itself. Ununtrium was named so because it’s the 113th element in the periodic table.

In other words, Ununtrium was used because Roberts is a massive nerd.

Because Overlord’s a Point One Percenter, and in fact that murderous little spark we saw at the beginning of the issue, he ought to be perfectly fine. Shockwave has planted a killswitch in the guy’s brain in case he tries something funny on Megatron.

The narrative is interrupted for a moment as Chromedome chastises Overlord for being kind of sleepy in his memories. Then Chromedome lets something slip that he probably really shouldn’t have.

With the contingencies in place, it’s time to get the Phase Sixer show on the road.

Well, there it is.

Oh, and a bit more.

Overlord thanks Rossom for all his hard work by crushing his skull, and thus the story of how he became a Phase Sixer draws to a close.

Megatron, you had literally zero reason to say that. This is how you can tell Roberts wrote this scene to fuck with people.

Back in the white void, Chromedome’s patting himself on the back over a job well done.  In the background, Overlord’s smiling.

It’s never a good thing when Overlord smiles.

If Chromedome had just kept things professional and didn’t keep bringing up their shared history, Overlord wouldn’t be able to have another flashback- this one’s got Starscream and Thundercracker in it! No word on where Skywarp’s gotten to. Skywarp doesn’t get a ton of attention in IDW Transformers.

The three of them are bombing what appears to be a wasteland, on word from Decepticon intel that there’s something worth looking for in the area. Turns out, intel was right.

Chromedome, suddenly antsy, pulls them out of the memory, demanding to know why this is happening. Overlord just smiles.

Oh, hey Brainstorm. What brings you to the New Institute?

Chromedome, your war crimes are showing! Turns out Mnemosurgery and Shadowplay are the same fucking thing.

As Chromedome assists in what appears to be an empurata in progress, he’s shot in the gut, as present-Chromedome screams and reaches for himself.

Overlord and company release Soundwave, who is in no way grateful for the assist. They leave quickly, Overlord taking Trepan as a souvenir, because that’s just the kind of guy he is. He kidnaps people.

As Chromedome in the past lays bleeding out on the floor, Chromedome in the present decides it’s time to share his feelings.

Prowl did Chromedome a solid after Zeta came into Primehood, and got him an internship at the New Institute. The one time Prowl was nice to his partner, and it’s to hook him up with a job that can and will kill him the more frequently he does it.

Chromedome was so good at poking people in the brain, he got a nickname out of it. That nickname? Chromedome.

Yeah, his real name is Tumbler.

Chromedome remembers himself, and the fact that they shouldn’t be seeing any of this, because Overlord is the patient and he wasn’t there for this info dump.

Overlord’s still smiling.

Overlord may be a lot of things, but he’s no dummy. He took Trepan with him to learn mnemosurgery, in an attempt to learn the secrets of the Achilles Virus Shockwave planted in his brain. He didn’t complete his training, because Megatron caught wind, but major smart boy points to you, Overlord.

Now he’s going to use his own mnemosurgery skills to bust on out of here.

Chromedome, Overlord has been killing fools since literally before he was born, and you basically handed him a rope to hang you with.

SMASH CUT TO:

There he is, Cybertron’s #1 Bastard Bachelor! Of course he’s involved with this!

All that stuff Rung told Fort Max in issue #6, about Overlord’s spark being in a whiteout vacuum? A giant ruddy lie fed to the public, to give High Command a chance to figure out what they were going to do with him.

Prowl, they are MARRIED, you giant space ass.

Prowl has a theory that Phase Sixers aren’t born, but made. We as the readers, of course, already know this, but we’ve got to know where we’ve been before we can figure out where we’re going. He’s invited Chromedome to his office to ask him to mnemosurgery Overlord up and get the secret Krabby Patty formula Phase Sixer recipe.

Chromedome, doesn’t want to do that, though. He wants to live in a peaceful world, where Rewind doesn’t have to worry about his impending, work-related death.

How exactly mnemosurgery kills practitioners is never exactly explained. I, however, have a theory.

We’ve already established that if you inject enough times, you start getting crossover with your patients’ memories in your own brain. We’ve seen it happen with Chromedome in the Annual, and it was vivid enough that he wasn’t sure if the memory of committing suicide by way of Gideon’s Glue was his own or not.

Because Transformers are very similar in bodily functions to humans- because this isn’t hard sci-fi- it stands to reason that more than just memories reside in the brain module. The brain controls movement, organ regulation, chemical balances, all that jazz. 

Where does the line for memory get drawn? Who’s to say that bodily functions wouldn’t start bleeding through the connection? If you can have memories bleed through and have to double-check with someone on whether or not they’re yours, who’s to say that it can’t happen with other parts of the brain? Like programming for your robotic organs? If a patient clearly remembers how hard their fuel pump was going during a stressful situation, does that stress response translate for the surgeon’s body type, or does it stay at what it had been for the original brain? 

If Chromedome’s fuel pump starts going at a rate designed for a guy the size of Fort Max, it’s probably going to explode. 

Getting back to the story at hand, Chromedome says “thanks, but no thanks” and is walking out of the room, when Prowl does something kind of stupid:

He starts threatening to blackmail the guy who has pointy mind-wiper fingers and doesn’t really like him all that much.

This is one of the larger seeds involved with a dropped story plot, in which it would have been revealed that Chromedome had been part of the mission that led to Dominus Ambus’ disappearance. It was seeded very early on in MTMTE, but never came to fruition, mainly due to the fact that Roberts didn’t want to give Chromedome and Rewind’s relationship that much of a trench to jump over. I mean, how would you even handle that, finding out that your current husband was complacent in the disappearance of your first husband? It’d be messy. Way too messy to be wrapped up cleanly. There’s other aspects of that plot thread that I’ll cover later on, but trust me when I say it would have needed its own spin-off series to be properly handled and resolved. A spin-off series that it wouldn’t have gotten.

As it currently stands, the interpretation of what exactly Chromedome did that would warrant him getting cagey here is wide open. Was he involved with the Ostaros situation in Sins of the Wreckers? Did he have a past with a Decepticon that Rewind wouldn’t have approved of? Was he a Decepticon at some point? Does he not like dogs? It’s up to YOU, dear reader!

Prowl’s threat goes about as well as you’d expect.

I mean, really, what did you THINK was going to happen?

Chromedome wipes the memory of making the threat, as well as the information that made the threat possible, then leaves, and Prowl is none the wiser.

Overlord’s not done yet, though. He moves on to the next memory, which involves a giant, naked human. Chromedome enters Brainstorm’s lab, while he’s hard at work on the holomatter avatars. Brainstorm has stolen Perceptor’s sniper sight and is wearing it on his head. Why does he have it? What purpose does it serve him? Who knows!

Drift is accompanying Chromedome on this little visit, and thus the identity of the mystery door-whisperer from issue #12 is revealed.

Watch out for his hands, Drift.

The mystery of the oddly threatening medical drone is also revealed- Brainstorm had them all loaded up with a speech recognition program that would alert Drift whenever Overlord was mentioned.

With introductions to Project: Total Insanity out of the way, it’s time to get technical.

Five seconds for Overlord is thirty minutes for the rest of the Lost Light. In theory, if he somehow broke loose from his bindings and escaped his cell, they’d have plenty of time to scramble the troops and get ready for him.

Let’s see how that theory works when applied to real world testing, shall we?

Overlord gets the code to the cell, thanks to this merry little jaunt inside Chromedome’s brain he’s decided to take, rips free of his bonds, and makes his exit. Chromedome, temporarily paralyzed and mute from the strain of doing such a long deep reading on Overlord, can only watch as he walks out the door, making a promise to find Rewind first when he starts killing everyone on the ship.

Oh man, this next one’s gonna be a doozy.

[fizzyxcustard]

Fear and Loathing (2)

Chapter 1

Masterlist

Fandom: seaQuest 2032

Summary: (Part 2 of The Right Thing - this will be a chaptered fic) Captain Hudson knows that you and Lucas are more than just friends, and after changing your shift rotations to make sure you’re not on duty together, you take things into your own hands and request a transfer from seaQuest. Before your transfer can be processed, officers and crew begin showing signs of extreme anxiety, anger and paranoia. Some are worse affected than others, you being one of them. Can you fight for not only your relationship with Lucas but your state of mind?

Pairings: Ensign Lucas Wolenczak x FemLieutenant!Reader, Commander Jonathan Ford x Lieutenant Lonnie Henderson (only slight)

Warnings: Language, violence, insecurity, angst, paranoia, anxiety, mental instability, very mild sexual references, age difference/gap.

Comments: If you wish to be added to my seaQuest tag list, which will be separate from all my other tags, let me know, and I will only tag you in these if you specifically request to be tagged. This is practically a dead fandom now, but I would still like to share my writings with you. If you would like to ask any questions, then by all means just ask!

Captain Hudson ushered you into his quarters, and Lucas automatically followed on behind without any prompt. Lucas’ heart was racing frantically. He was losing you. And how could he stop it?

With a loud sigh, Hudson sat behind his desk. “I hope to get back to running this vessel sometime today,” he said sarcastically.

“I’m sorry, Sir,” you apologised. “I’m aware of problems that have occurred due to my personal conduct with Ensign Wolenczak, and that is why I wish to request a transfer.” You stood upright, your hands behind your back, much in contrast to Lucas’ defensive posture of his crossed arms.

Lucas was aghast at you. “You can’t!”

You placed your official request of transfer down on Hudson’s desk. “Thank you, Lieutenant,” Hudson said.

“You can’t actually accept this!” Lucas shouted, glaring at the Captain and pointing at the white envelope for emphasis.

Hudson’s jaw clenched in frustration and his eyes darkened. “You will control yourself, Ensign, or it will be you I transfer. She has every right to request transfer, and I thank you for your professionalism, Lieutenant.”

“Thank you, Sir,” you replied, still remaining composed.

“Ensign, please return to your station. Lieutenant, I’d like a word.”

Lucas looked at you sadly, a stray tear falling down his cheek. Then he left the room, his shoulders hunched, the weight of the world resting upon them.

You continued to be composed, despite your heart shattering. By giving in to your feelings and instincts, you were now jeopardising your career.

“Take a seat,” Hudson instructed. It was quite plain for him to see the pain in your eyes that you were trying so hard to conceal. Hudson’s face softened and he sighed. “I was his age once, believe it or not, and he still has a lot of growing up to do in order to fill that uniform. Losing either of you is the last thing that I want to see happen, but may I give you a piece of advice?”

“Of course.”

“Don’t keep letting him push you to take full responsibility for this. Be accountable for your actions, and yours alone. Maybe the shift rotation change was a little harsh. Whilst I consider your transfer request, you’ll go back to your original shift pattern as of now. However, outside of duty and meal times, you and Mr. Wolenczak are under strict orders to remain separated. If I find that either of you have broken this order, you’ll both be dismissed from duty immediately.”

“Thank you for understanding, Sir,” you said, saluted, and left.

You returned to the bridge and sat beside Lucas in your usual spot. “Keep quiet, and that’s an order, Ensign,” you instructed, never looking at him. However, you could imagine his expression, but couldn’t bring yourself to look.

“Is everything alright, Lieutenant?” Commander Ford asked, approaching your station.

“Yes, Commander. Captain Hudson has changed my shift rotation back to its original pattern while my request for transfer is considered.” You knew that the others on the bridge were having their ears filled with your personal business, but you resigned yourself to the fact that they would all eventually find out what was happening.

For the rest of the day you and Lucas remained quiet, barely speaking but a handful of words to each other, which were always in connection with duty. Each time Hudson gave an order, you could see Lucas’ jaw clench tight and sheer loathing flash in his eyes. Hudson had understood you far more than you ever thought he would, and considering his authority, he hadn’t brought punishment down upon you that was as firm as other captains. The very first captain of seaQuest, Marilyn Stark, who perished after going rogue in her extreme ideas, would have probably recommended complete stripping of your rank and Lucas’, calling for your dismissal from the Navy and UEO. No way would you have been employed for either again, not even for a desk job in headquarters. There were certainly harsher captains to serve under.

At dinner, Lucas came behind you, holding an empty food tray. “What are you doing?” he growled in your ear.

“I’m doing what needs to be done, Lucas,” you hissed back in response. You never turned to see his face, but you could imagine his infamous sulking pout. The food you had put on your tray didn’t seem all that appealing, and as you gazed over it, your stomach began to lurch, and you could feel the all too familiar palpitations in your chest. It all seemed stronger than usual, until you lost your grip on the tray and it fell to the floor. All of a sudden you found yourself on the floor next to your tray. Lucas’ voice broke through the cloud of grogginess and dizziness that was surrounding you. Every breath you took and it felt like splintered glass in your chest.

“I’ll take her to Med Bay,” Lucas told the small gathering around you. Eyes were looking down on you and voices were loud, chattering at you and through you. The faces looked as though they were dissolving; you blinked hard, causing flashes of light to break through the darkness beneath your eyelids. Lucas tried to help you up, but you toppled to the side, nearly taking him down to the floor with you.

There was a small commotion around you as officers flitted in and out, and Lonnie finally returned with a wheelchair.

Lucas wheeled you out, and still your vision remained blurred. It was like a sheet of blue and silver before your eyes with flashes of beige and other colours, moving this way and that. Breath was passing through you a little easier now and the chest pain was subsiding.

In the Med Bay and the doctor, a middle-aged Irish fellow with glasses, began to inspect you, asking about your symptoms. By now and you felt jittery, as if your muscles were contracting more than they should have been. A fluttering was still present in your gut and chest.

“It sounds like a panic attack to me,” the doctor mused. “But the fact you fainted and have blurred vision is what is concerning me. Maybe a sudden change in blood pressure? I’d like to take blood samples and keep you in overnight.”

“Do you think it’s serious?” Lucas asked in concern.

You sat on the edge of the bed, your fingers gripping the sheets. Lucas and the doctor’s voices seemed to drift away as you felt the hair on your neck stand to attention, and subconsciously your teeth ground against one another.

Captain Hudson appeared at your bedside after he’d heard of what had happened. “Lieutenant,” he began. Then his suspicious gaze shot to Lucas, who was stood the other side of your bed. “Ensign, the doctor can do his job from here.”

“Yes, Sir,” Lucas replied, venom dripping from his tone. He shot one last concerned and sad glance at you before disappearing.

“I want to keep her overnight for observation, Captain,” the doctor began. “The passing out and blurred vision is what’s concerning me.”

“Do what you need to, Doctor. I just want my Lieutenant back in one piece,” Hudson said.

You couldn’t help but smile, feeling a spot of admiration for your captain. He may have been stern and abrupt, but he cared for his crew and looked after them well.

“I admired your actions today. It’s your integrity that I greatly appreciate. Get some rest,” Hudson said, shooting you a faint smile before walking out of the room.

The next half an hour was the doctor examining you. Eye test, hearing test, blood pressure, blood test and urine sample. Naturally your blood pressure was a little elevated due to the stressors on your body. The blood test would be ready the following morning; every aspect of your body’s function would be tested.

Lonnie came to visit shortly before the doctor was due to finish. “Do you want me to bring you anything?” she asked kindly. You asked for your journal and current novel you were reading.

By the time that it was half ten, you could feel fatigue setting in. Calm had come over you again, and you lay down, closing your eyes. Waves and the moon. Black sky and sparkling stars. Lucas holding you. They way it should have been. And as you drifted away into sleep, you never noticed one tear fall down your cheek.

As you ate breakfast the next morning in the Med Bay, the doctor began reading through your test results. He furrowed his eyebrows; the blood test showed normal activity for your immune system, sugar and lipids, but your hormone levels showed a significant drop in serotonin and high adrenaline levels. An unknown viral strain was present but its DNA did not match anything in the medical database.

“Good morning, Lieutenant,” he said. He pulled up a chair next to your bed.

“Morning, Doctor,” you replied, swallowing a mouthful of toast.

“I’ve looked over your blood test results this morning, and whilst most of it is normal, your blood is showing a dip in serotonin levels and an unknown viral toxin.”

“Virus?” you asked, shocked. You had been under the impression that all this was was a panic attack induced by stress.

“A panic attack makes sense with the lowered levels of serotonin and elevated adrenaline. But this virus concerns me as I’m not sure if it was responsible for the symptoms in the first place.”

“I’ve suffered with anxiety for some years, Doctor. And I stopped taking medication for it when I enlisted at twenty-two.”

“I’d like to keep you here for another few hours and take regular blood samples. I intend to send them to the main lab at the UEO headquarters and see what their thoughts are. Maybe we can look at online counselling to help with the anxiety.”

Lucas visited you that morning before his shift. He stood at your bedside and smiled sadly. “How are you feeling?”

“A lot calmer but tired. The doctor says I have a virus which isn’t identified, and isn’t sure if it’s linked to my panic attack and passing out last night.”

“If you need anything at all, I’m here. Just ask.” He reached out and touched your hand, but you flinched and pulled away.

“Don’t!” you said sternly.

“You’re letting Captain Hudson dictate our lives!” Lucas hissed.

Your heart began to pound again and the sharp pains built, radiating through your chest like forks of electricity. You gasped, trying desperately to get your breath. “Get….out….” you were able to say.

“Ensign, please leave,” the doctor ordered.

Later that morning and Lucas was pulled into Captain Hudson’s quarters. Lucas, as usual, stood with his jaw clenched and his eyes glaring in anger at the captain.

“You are not to visit her again, Ensign! Do I make myself clear?” Hudson boomed. “It’s funny how both attacks she’s suffered have been when in your company. Not only does she have more moral integrity than you and professionalism by requesting a transfer, but she’s fighting an unknown virus. I will not have you put more on her shoulders.”

“I’ve put nothing…”

“Enough!” Hudson shouted. “I’m thisclose,” he began, holding his forefinger and thumb close together for emphasis, “to shredding her transfer request and putting you aboard another vessel instead. Captain Bridger allowed you far too much freedom on this boat. You’ll learn to keep your mouth shut, follow orders and not back answer me. Is that clear?”

“Yes, Sir,” Lucas growled.

“Good. Get out of my sight,” Hudson shot back.

You remained in the Med Bay for the rest of the day. Lonnie came to visit and brought you fresh underwear and toiletries to wash with. She stayed for a little while, comfortable in your bedside chair, talking about what had happened on the bridge that day. “Be glad that you can have a break,” she giggled. “It’s not right without you though.”

“I’m hoping to be back in a couple of days. The doctor wants me to rest and de-stress, which is easier said than done in this place, especially with Lucas’ constant sulking.” You sighed.

“Hey, I know you think the world of him, but you can’t let him keep putting on to you. He’s stressing you to the point of making you sick. I know you requested a transfer and it’s because of him. He still has a lot of growing up to do.”

“You’re right. He does.”

[najatheangel]

Written Ship 🌵

hiiii!! ur blog is literally the cutest thing omg ;)) i was wondering if i could get a written ship for bts, Wayv, and stray kids please? also i’m am sorry that i went a little crazy w/ my description :( <3

i am an intp/entp i literally switch between the two every time i take the test sooo… i love anything creative so writing, drawing, painting, etc. but i’m also a perfectionist and tend to be a little impatient so i restart projects a lot if it’s not exactly how i imagined it. i’m a libra sun w/ a capricorn moon!! so emotions are something i struggle expressing a lot because i don’t want to burden others. i definitely take on more than i can handle both physically and mentally but i have been trying to get better at that! i may seem a bit serious[...]

@xxminmixx Heyy cupcake!! That’s okay this was actually pretty helpful. I’m so happy I got to read more about you and thanks so much for your patience your ship is finally here…❤️❤️❤️

From Bts, I ship you with…J-Hope

Positive Side: You both lift each other up and lead each other to the right path. With his mbti being ESFJ he radiates positive energy and loves to lift other people’s moods up whether they’re happy or sad. When I read more about your description, I feel like your leaning more towards ENTP which matches very well with ESFJ. They’re both very energetic communicators and have the most lively discussions which can lead to some good work being accomplished. Your both very creative in the area of art and music which is very easy for people to identify your style and stands out in the crowd. With him being very patient and his mindset being a lot more positive he would do his best to help you work on projects when it comes writing, painting or helping you with a speech. Although he seems like a tough teacher, he’s very passionate and just wants you to succeed. When you overworking yourself, he would stop you immediately and help you relax by meditating, drinking tea, listening to some music or just taking you out on a drive to the park so you can get some fresh air. J-Hope has a sense of humor too so he has no problem with making you laugh or melt over his cuteness with his cheerful personality! He would even try to teach you dances that’ll instantly lift your mood if you ask and say the magic word. Lastly, J-Hope is someone that’ll help you find ways to love yourself and would help you on your journey with your mental health alongside his members, because he loved and cared about you that much. 

Negative Side: Everything would be sunshine's and rainbows with J-hope, but only most of the time. Sometimes J-Hope goes through his tough days, but doesn’t want to express that infront of you and have you worried about him. His smile is his mask to hide his pain and once he breaks down, it makes you want to cry and hug him. You both in a sense have a hard time expressing your emotions and don’t want to burden the other person. 

But…: After learning how to build trust and breaking down each others walls it’s become much easier to open up to each other about your inner negative thoughts about yourselves. Boy it was a night filled with tears, but it turned out to become a lot better for your relationship because now you two can easily run to each other about your problems and help each other find ways to fix it. Of course with you being more protective a over him it scares away haters and people close to you that tries to go against him in a debate. You both have each others back in any situation whether you were right or wrong. 

From Wayv, I ship you with…Ten

Positive Side: Ouu now this should be interesting. Your both very entertaining together and it shows throughout your friendship and relationship as a couple. First of all when you first meet Ten he was so sweet, talkative and protective of you around the Wayv members. Once you got closer to him, he started to reveal his sassy side and sometimes loved to tease you about almost anything goofy you do. You can be rolling your eyes and he would be copying right after you just to see how you react. He’s also a man full of charisma so he knows how to make your heart flutter, but when you do it right back, he doesn’t know how to respond and just laughs with his ears turning red. Your both also very talented creative people so he would be the first to help you without having to ask and would give his most honest, but useful feedback. He’s also a very active person so he’s so down with playing sports and dancing with you. He would even use the opportunity to make his move whenever your lost on a dance move or don’t know how to properly do a kart wheel. Ten is always very confident and not afraid to say what is on his mind so he’s someone that you can look up too and that can help build confidence easily for yourself. He could tell you for hours how much he loves you and how why you shouldn’t be afraid to reach out to him for any problems with your mental health. He would be very aware of what bothers you and would do anything to his ability to fix it for you.

Negative Side: In the beginning of the dating phase, you both would debate and argue a lot often. It started off as playful teasing until it started to drag out longer then expected. It would get more intense, but never to the point where it would leave you both hurt in the mix. You two just love to bicker a lot sometimes which can sometimes give your friends a headache. Your both also very selfless and love to put each other needs first before your own which can be sometimes concerning.

But…: That’s just part of your dynamic of the relationship. One minute you can be arguing over who left the dishes on the sink last night and the next minute your cuddling in his bed saying sorry for that pointless argument. In general these issues aren’t super major to the point where it would cause you to break up. The love and bond that you have with each other is so strong that it would be hard to separate from him. 

From Stray Kids, I ship you with…Felix

Positive Side: When I tell you this is your match made in heaven I’m not joking. It was so hard to choose between Felix and Han, but Felix just made a lot more sense. Felix has one of the most down to earth, loveable and such a happy virus! Almost similar to J-Hope personality whenever you just see him, he just instantly lifts your mood. On top of his beautiful deep voice and freckles that are just to die for he’s simply pure. He’s the ideal boyfriend for you and constantly meets most of your needs. His personality just collides best with any kind especially yours which is why he’s very close with all his members. Just like everyone on this list, he’s open to collaborating you in any music and art projects. He’s also kind of the perfectionist too (his Virgo traits showing lol) so he would understand if something looks out of place, but he would encourage you to keep going and finish strong. He might not be the most athletic, but he can play a mean game of football and Frisbee in the park. I can imagine you two being super competitive and tripping each other on purpose to reach out for the ball. Dirty game play, but ends in smoochy sessions. Lastly what I love about him the most is that he is very thoughtful the best boyfriend trait to have ever! He’s always rewarding you with gifts, affection and the L word any chance he get. Overall Felix is someone that you would feel comfortable sharing your whole life story and making memories with him. 

Negative Side: It was had thinking of a negative, but I would say the only issue you both tend to have is you both tend to be too stubborn. It’s very hard dealing with two people that are stubborn, because once you both made up your mind about something nothing is going to change your opinion otherwise. Now as far as when these problems would occur, it can be when your having a heated discussions about on what beat you should use for the song or where to put your new coffee mugs you just bought as a souvenir from japan. That’s also where your need for things to be almost perfect come in to play and makes the arguments way more pointless. Felix in the end always let’s you have it your way and goes on about his day. Sometimes the boys would have to step in the debates just to stop you two, because neither one of you refuse to stop. 

But: You both have a lot of heart for each other to let some petty disagreements get in the way of what you actually want to accomplish. Sometimes it’s okay to restart a song your both working on until you both agree with a beat that matches perfectly. As far as the coffee mug situation it took awhile to figure out, but in the end you both agreed to keep each other’s mugs in your rooms next to your couple picture frames of each other. These arguments might seem dragged out and over something small, but you both always find a way to compromise.

Out of everyone I ship you the most with…Felix🤍

[wonderlandmind4]

Delicate Stages of Life: 23

Let Me Feel as Hurt as You Do

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x OFC; Platonic Steve Rogers x OFC

Summary: Life in Wakanda is filled with love, laughs, some tears, all emotions, lazy days, goats, hot springs, a soul connection, and something dark that looms over Bucky’s and Ana’s domestic bliss…

Warnings: Language. Angst. Loss, Grief. Anxiety attack. Someone gets mad. A very slight implication of mentioned abortion, but not by word, by context. (This chapter focuses some on Steve and Ana)

Words: 14,639k words. Ha. Ha. I’m sorry.

A/N: Again, sorry for taking so long to update. From Jan-March 12th, I was completely booked soild at work. And then, this virus happened and I got laid off and oh look! A new chapter! I hope everyone is healthy and staying safe and staying inside. Here is a 14k+ chapter for you. (Do not read unless you’ve read Delicate Stages first) 

Previously: Ana had a full on energy bursting breakdown. Steve ran after her, causing him to feel his own energy drain, and leaving small cuts and bruises on his arm, left by Ana. Time is told by weeks of pregnancy. 

A pounding pressure circles Ana’s entire head, as if her brain is trying to squeeze itself out through her skull. Her nose is clogged, her mouth slightly open to breathe, to taste the air that no longer smells like Bucky; the last thing she had been trying to hold onto. At least this way she can’t smell the scent of him fading away from the fabric of his shirt she’s wearing. Instead, the air faintly tastes like charred earth.

Her eyelids are heavy, swollen from the tears that have yet to stop. Ana sits silently, gaze transfixed through the floor to ceiling windowpanes where the glass had shattered, decorating the ground like crystals.

Wet tracks have stained patterns on her cheeks, tear after tear. Her mind is thankfully blank for the time being. Just focused on watching the glass reflect off the lights in the compound and the glow of the moon. Her vision begins morphing the reflections together like dark watercolors. An odd flutter in her stomach rolls through her, gently pulling her from the depths of her mind; the colors had begun to form a dusty orange landscape.

“Hey, think you feel up to drinking this for me?”

Blinking back to awareness, Ana watches as Carol wiggles a little jar in front of her. That same elixir she had made her drink on occasion; it truly helps her feel better physically. Carol hands her the vial, their fingers touching. The moment of contact stirs the energy within Ana, causing her body to tense up abruptly. It lasts for a moment, before the tension eases into something calmer than she’s ever felt. It’s different, welcoming, and Ana finds her hand covering the other woman’s to chase that odd serenity.

“What?” Ana breathes, confused.

Carol offers her a friendly smile. She leans a tad closer. “You and I, don’t think we’re that different, power wise.”

“I don’t understand?” She blinks a few times.

Ana is utterly exhausted after her outburst, yet she could still feel the light turmoil of her energy prickling just under her skin. Now, her energy is finally beginning to settle, feels similar like the rings Shuri gave her.

“I’m stabilizing your energy levels,” Carol explains smoothly.

“You-you can do that?”

“Didn’t know until right now, figured I’d try it.”

“You’re so powerful,” Ana whispers, inhaling slowly as her body finally relaxes. “Much higher than my level of- this.” She vaguely gestures to her own body with her free hand. She allows herself a few more moments of Carol’s touch before taking the bottle from her.

“Then it’s something we can chat about later, once you’re feeling better,” She promises. Then she smirks. “And when you don’t look like you got swallowed whole then spit back out by a Flerken.”

“What’s a- never mind,” Ana sighs tiredly, opening the jar.

“Slow sips, alright? Rest for a few days. I have more if needed.”

She nods in silent gratitude. Carol pats her shoulder twice, though Ana doesn’t feel the same comforting flow she did just a minute ago. She also doesn’t miss Carol’s head jerk to Natasha as she walks away. Natasha follows her, and if Ana wasn’t as drained as she is, she may had been more curious.

When she finishes the elixir, Rhodes and Steve help her stand and make her way to her room. She briefly notices small spots of blood on Steve’s sleeve. She frowns, but Rhodey asking if he can make a call to Pepper, and would it be okay with her, distracts her. Ana nods, struck aware that she hasn’t spoken to her cousin in two months.

Another realization overcomes her as the men assist her down the hallway. Ana had been unintentionally horrible the past three months to everyone around her. She didn’t just shut off her emotions, she shut out her friends.

*

Just twenty minutes after she’s in bed, a light tapping sounds at the door as Ana slightly readjusts her sitting position. Apparently being reacquainted with her emotions also comes with new pains and aches; her lower back for one. Ana finally gets her pillows in the right position, nearly forgetting someone is at the door.

It cracks open, Natasha peaking her head in. “Is it alright for me to enter?”

She sounds so formal. Ana can’t blame her. “Uh, y-yeah,” She clears her raw throat. “Yes.”

The corner of Natasha’s mouth cracks with a sad smirk before her face goes back to unreadable. She gently shuts the door behind her, moving toward the bed, Ana shifting her legs over to give her a space to sit. Which she does.

Ana bites her lip hard, nervous about Natasha’s pending anger. Worried Nat will give her a verbal lashing, even though she knows she deserves it. Her skin prickles with the apprehensive energy in the room. She inhales shakily, counts to five in her head before exhaling, rubbing her hands over the bottom curve of her growing stomach.

When Natasha finally speaks, her voice is unreadable. “Ana.”

Ana nearly flinches hearing her name. She makes the briefest of eye contact with the former spy. A single tear escapes Ana’s left eye, despite her efforts to keep them at bay. Natasha slowly reaches out to- what? Would she actually slap a pregnant woman? Flick her off? Make another rude hand gesture? Ana breaks their stare, ashamed- and isn’t that quite amazing to feel that now. Shame for how she’d been for the past three months.

Instead of a sharp stinging slap, or a bruising pinch, the gentle hand laid on her shoulder genuinely shocks her. Ana shoots her gaze up again, another tear overflowing. There’s a softness in Natasha’s eyes that she hasn’t see in so very long, her green eyes glassy. Her fingers apply pressure to Ana’s shoulder a moment before her shoulder is pulled forward a little. The motion makes her chin tremble, biting her lip still, nearly hard enough to draw blood.

Natasha exhales sadly, a little huff of air before she fully pushes Ana closer. Suddenly, she has Ana’s face pressed to her neck, and her other arm is hugging her tightly around her back. A hug. Nat is giving her a hug, one she doesn’t deserve in the least. A comforting, supporting hug. Something Ana hasn’t felt in months.

Tears flow freely down her face once again. Natasha holds her as best as she can, her fingers digging into her skin.

“I…I,” Ana stutters between hiccuping gasps. “Nat-“

“I know, I know,” Natasha replies softly. “Shhhh, I know, Ana. Apology accepted. Just let it out now. I’m here. It’s okay.”

Ana wraps her arms around her as much as she can manage, fingers pressing into the solid form of comfort. She nearly cries herself to sleep that way. Barely conscious enough to realize Natasha moves her back and covers her with a blanket before she succumbs to sleep.

For once, Ana has a dreamless slumber.

*

Steve rubs his thumb over the already scabbed over crescent marks on his forearm, noticing the faint bruising around them too.

“Glass get ya’?”

Rocket’s voice grabs his attention, going back to sweeping his pile of shattered glass into the dustpan.

“No, just-“ But Steve stops because he doesn’t have an excuse. Not to mention he’s sure everyone witnessed everything.

“She always been strong enough to draw blood from a super soldier?” Rocket continues casually, finishing his pile before jumping up on the arm of the couch. Eye level with Steve’s arm now.

A brief memory flashes through Steve’s mind of Ana accidentally clipping Bucky in a sparring match outside their hut. It led to a busted lip, Ana apologizing profusely while straddling Bucky and him looking up at her with proud adoring eyes as if she hung the moon.

He mentally shakes the memory away. She always had a hidden strength about her, but never enough to physically bruise them with just a grip of her fingers.

“No, this would be new.”

“Has no one noticed her growing strength these past weeks?” Nebula muses lowly, studying a small device in her hands. She fiddles with it, then points it at the first pile large of broken glass. “The minuscule signs of her powers becoming unsteady?”

She presses a button, a short burst of purple light shoots from the device. Suddenly the pile is gone, nothing but a wisp of smoke before it fades. Steve in utter shock, is impressed with the tool, and vaguely thinks if they had that a while back it would have saved them a lot of clean up time in previous home attacks.

“Uh-“ Steve begins.

“Oh, let me do the rest!” Rocket demands, hopping off the couch and grabbing the device as Nebula holds it out.

“The light charred marks on tables,” She continues, her dark eyes locking on Steve’s. “The-

“Dent marks? Yeah,” He says, leaning against the back of the couch. Rocket cackles as three more piles disappear. Steve continues. “Didn’t catch the first signs though.”

“Ana is…fascinatingly powerful. More than any of you realize.”

Crossing his arms tightly, Steve frowns in perplexed curiosity. What has this woman from another planet seen in Ana that no one else had noticed. That he himself hadn’t paid attention to. “Care to elaborate?”

“The sheer amount of energy she released,” Nebula pauses, her eyes narrowing suspiciously. “Was extremely similar to that of-“

“Captain Rogers, you have an incoming call from Mrs. Stark.”

FRIDAY’s interruption could have come at different time than this. Steve drops his arms as he pushes himself off the couch.

“We’ll talk about that later,” He tells Nebula, heading toward the conference room.

She nods, then snatches the device from Rocket just as he was about to test it on a lounge chair. Steve ponders her words over in his head, some pieces coming together from the past month. He did noticed the perfectly scorched hand print on the bedside table in Ana’s room tonight. However, speaking to Pepper takes precedence at the moment.

*

Five days pass before Ana remembers the details of her breakdown. Five days before she connects the spots of blood on Steve’s arm was her doing; granted, she had slept soundlessly for most of those days. Her body seeming to finally catch up on a decent amount of sleep and beginning to heal from her emotional stunted issues. As in, she’s been overly emotionally now, like her hormones are speeding up to make up the past three months.

It was recommended by Pepper, after Ana had a long overdue conversation with her, that she should watch cute animal videos, or light comedic movies to lift her spirits a little. It worked for one day before she came across a fluffy kitten video and started crying at how cute the little kitty was.

Now, Ana gingerly gets up to use the bathroom, her bladder clearly smaller and being constantly pressed on. Instead of getting back in bed however, she leaves her room in search for Steve herself. That, and she suddenly has a craving for mango pizza again.

“What the hell are you doing walking around?” Rocket greets her as she rounds the corner to the kitchen.

“I’m hungry,” She replies with a pout, slowly moving to the freezer. “Have you seen Steve?”

“There’s plenty of people here to bring you food, take advantage of that, Barnes.”

Ana halts for a moment hearing her last name, the little “space raccoon” as Rhodes likes to call him, only knows her as Ana Barnes. She inhales slowly, then pulls open the door.

“And would you have brought me food on a tray?” She shoots over her shoulder, voice teasing. She nearly forgot how it feels to tease someone.

“What do I look like, a servant? I meant use the others.” He replies flippantly.

For the first time in a long time, Ana cracks a smile. A small chuckle even escaping past her lips. She turns to glance at him, and swears she sees a little smirk from him too.

“Ana? What the in hell are you walking around for?”

Ahh, there he is. She closes the door, but keeps her hand on the handle for support. “Looking for you, and hungry.”

Steve fixes her with his disapproving looking before he suddenly looks surprised. “You’re hungry?”

“Yes.”

He sighs. “Go lay back down and I’ll make you something.”

“No, this is specific-“

“Could’ve just asked FRIDAY to call someone.”

“I disabled FRIDAY from my room, remember?” She reminds him awkwardly as Steve begins to usher her back. “Two months ago.”

“Right. What’s this specific food you want?”

“Mango piz- wait.” Ana stops, wincing at her abrupt movement. She looks over her shoulder again after she takes a steady breath. “Rocket, is that my glock? And my knife set?”

Rocket had gone back to doing his task before she had entered, popping his head up to acknowledge her.

“Oh, yeah,” He answers lightly. “Stole them from that shooting range here. You ain’t using them right, full belly and all? No? Good. Couldn’t find your metaled arm husband’s gun, figured I’d clean these instead. In case you decide to have another cool outburst- I mean, breakdown, they’ll be of use.”

Ana just stares as Steve covers his laugh with a cough.

“That okay?”

There’s no snark coming from him, just a teasing glint in his dark eyes. She can’t pinpoint why, but Rocket cleaning her long forgotten weapons and clearly knowing they were hers, touches Ana more than she thought it would. She recalls him handing her Bucky’s gun after the incident; which is now carefully put away in the closet.

“The smaller knife on the right is spring loaded,” She informs him with a small smile. “Used to be inside the boots I wore. It’s a good knife. Take care of them all.”

Rocket grabs the knife, finds the switch and springs it open. He salutes with it as Ana follows Steve back to her room.

An hour later has Steve serving freshly made pizza with chopped up mango pieces on top. Ana already feels bad the second he came in. He takes one look at her grimacing face and groans, setting the pie down on the bedside tray.

“You’re no longer craving this, are you?” He guesses, dropping the paper plates as well.

She shakes her head. “Sorry.”

“Hungry for anything else?”

“Did I hurt you, that night?” Ana abruptly questions. It’s the whole reason she wanted to find him in the first place. Not for food.

“What are you talking about?” Steve frowns, hands on his hips.

“Nat’s always been right. You’re a terrible liar, Rogers.”

He sighs, sitting down on her bed next to her legs. “Ana, you weren’t aware of draining my energy.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about,” She replies, then grabs his left arm.

Ana pushes the flannel sleeve up to his elbow, pulling him closer to see better. Five very faint crescent shapes on his arm are barely visibly in the light but they’re there. Four in a row and the fifth just a few centimeters to the left. Ana traces the shapes with her finger, his skin smooth from any scabbing.

“I saw blood on your sleeve that night,” She informs him, raising his arm to her eyes for a better look. She turns his arm side to side, no resistance from him. “Thought maybe it was the glass. It wasn’t.”

There. Ana keeps his arm at a slight angle, and the smallest discoloration of yellow stands out against his usual peachy skin tone. “I held onto your arm.”

“Yeah,” Steve confirms calmly. “Dug your nails in. Had a pretty strong grip there.”

A thought runs through her mind, causing Ana to drop his arm. She very suddenly does not want Steve to put any of his own thoughts together. Calling herself out on the cuts was a bad idea, and anxiety shoots through her chest. She doesn’t want anyone to know or to possibly connect her oddly growing strength. Ana herself has been aware it for weeks.

“Sorry I hurt you,” She rushes out. “Sorry,” Ana repeats kinder. “For everything.”

Steve looks like he wants to continue the subject, then thinks better of it. “Don’t worry about apologies right now, okay? Just take it easy for the next week, try not to stress yourself out, Ana. Once you’re feeling better and off bed rest, we can revisit it.”

“Okay, yeah. Sounds good,” She agrees, mentally breathing a sigh of relief. Though she can’t help feeling like her and Steve are treading on thin ice.

She shifts around, adjusting the pillows. Steve helps her, mainly making sure she doesn’t accidentally fall off the side. Ana feels exhausted again, her lower back aching as she finally finds a position comfortable enough.

“Apparently turning your emotions back on makes you realize you’re actually pregnant.” Ana huffs, half on her side.

“’Bout damn time,” Steve snips instantly. Ana quirks an eyebrow. “I mean! I didn’t mean for that to sound rude. I just meant, sometimes it felt like you didn’t…care.”

“Steve,” Ana begins solemnly after a short pause. She looks him straight in the eye, stressing her next words. “Natasha said the same thing to me. If I did not want or care for this baby. I would not be pregnant anymore.”

It’s silent between them as her words sink in. She can see in his eyes when he comprehends her meaning. Steve drops his head for a moment, before he meets her gaze again. He takes her hands in his, squeezing.

“And we would have supported you with whatever decision you made,” Steve tells her just as serious. “We still do. Support you. That’s all any of us wanted to do. We’re…we’re your family now. We’re here for you and little Barnes in there.”

Ana scoffs to cover the tightness in her throat. “You’ve always been my family, Steve. Well, at least for the past seven years.” That earns her a chuckle. “Thank you.”

“You look tired, get some rest.” He releases her hands and begins to stand.

“Actually, I kinda want the pizza now.”

Steve rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t hide how happy her eating seems to make him.

*

Ana cautiously makes her way to the bathroom, pressing her hands to her lower back as she walks. She turns on the sink, cupping her hands under the faucet and presses the cold water to her clammy face. Sighing in relief, she repeats the notion until her face feels clean of sweat. Body aches and mild hot flashes bringing the clammy skin, her ankles beginning to swell just a little. It’s almost as if her body is reminding her of the growing human inside her uterus with a vengeance. Payback for now finally feeling everything from her lack of feeling nothing for weeks.

However, she does take comfort in the facts that the baby is healthy and her most of her vitals are back to normal. Ana reaches for a washcloth on the counter, patting her face dry. She catches her gaze in the mirror once she’s finished, and stares.

Dull dark eyes peer back at her, the golden dots just matte specks. Grayish-purple circles are prominent against unusually pale skin tone. Highlights the fine lines of her lower eyelids, lines of exhaustion, stress, loss. Her face has thinned, looks sullen from lack of smiles, of laughter. The white of her eyes bloodshot, either from tears after so long of not shedding them or just lack of sleep.

Ana’s reflection startles her. This is the first time she has truly taken in her appearance in months. Too afraid to see the failure in her eyes of not saving Bucky in time. Of not stopping Thanos. Of the loss of life in her own eyes. She takes a step back, seeing herself entirely.

Smoothing her damp hands over her stomach, she grabs the hem of her- Bucky’s- shirt, lifting the material just under her breast. Which, have also grown bigger in the past three months. It’s not as if she hasn’t noticed her body growing, or seen her belly before, considering she has a top view of it every day, but this. This feels different.

Her skin has obviously accommodated the growing baby, proof of stretch marks on either side of her belly button that now pokes out. The old bullet wounds on her abdomen have stretched out as well, and the last few letters of her rib tattoo just barely affected. Ana traces her fingers over the new marks, then sees the slight movement of her belly in the mirror. A slow smile spreads across her lips, because this is different, and her mind drifts into another memory.

Ana shivers, legs tangled with strong muscular ones on the bed. Clothes long since scattered along the floor, a shirt on the lamp, bra on the mirror.

“Can’t wait to see your belly grow,” Bucky murmurs thickly. Nose grazing around her navel for the umpteenth time.

“Bucky,” Ana whines, breath ragged and pleading.

“Gonna look radiant, love.” He continues to praise, lips burning a trail of flames to her hip. “So fucking beautiful. My girl, my amazing wife.”

He stops his kissing, turning his head to lay his ear and cheek over the lower part of her stomach. His breath hitches as he listens, as her fingers sink into his long thick hair scratching his scalp.

“It’s the most beautiful sound in the world,” Bucky exhales, voice strained with emotion. “That little heartbeat. God, I can’t wait to feel this little jellybean move in there.”

Ana, despite wanting her husband to have his focus between her legs, laughs. “That’s what you can’t wait for?”

Bucky kisses her bellybutton, then her scars. “And many more, but, yes. My ma told me-“ He hesitates for a moment, as if he’s shocked he reminds the memory. “Whenever my sisters moved around, they were waving at me. Like they couldn’t wait to meet me.”

“Bucky, sweetheart,” Ana’s voice is a gentle sigh, fond and full of adoration. “This baby definitely can’t wait to meet you either.”

He hums. “I used to sing to them, when my Ma was pregnant. Said they could hear me. So, I talked to them every day. Like I’m going to talk and sing to our little one every day.”

Overwhelmed with how much she just fucking loves Bucky, Ana tugs him up to her, cupping his cheeks and giving him a deeply passionate kiss. His fingers tracing her stomach, over and over, until he finally lowers them.

A dull jab to the left side of her stomach pulls her back to her reflection. She chuckles wetly, tears escape as she blinks. Because this. This is her finally coming to terms.

“I can’t wait to meet you, little bean,” She whispers. She moves her hand to the same spot, feeling their baby moving around.

This. This is Ana finally connecting.

 25 weeks:

Another dream. The same dream. Over and over and over. Each time, ashes slip between her fingers the moment she touches Bucky. Each time he gives her that sad smile. Each time he speaks her name so tenderly. Each time, no matter what she does to try to save him, dust ingrains the lines of her palms, settles heavily in her lungs.

Each time she wakes with tears, panting and struggling to breathe. The only difference now is the ache in her chest, the stabbing pain through her heart, a haunting in her mind, and the shredded frays of her soul. The only thing that comforts her now, is the sound of Bucky’s voice recorded on the kimoyo beads.

Like clockwork every night, Ana hears Steve’s soft footsteps, a defeated sigh. On the eighth night, this changes. Steve finally knocks, cracking the open door she no longer keeps locked. Ana waits with her head in her hands for him to come in and sit on the edge of her bed.

She takes a few calming breaths before speaking. “What made you finally come in?” She inquires, face still hidden in her palms.

“How did you know I was there?” Steve asks bemused. He doesn’t wait for her answer. Instead he says, “Figured it was about time. Your nightmares. It’s what led to your...breakdown.”

Ana remains silent. He’s not wrong.

“I have nightmares too. So does Nat, Rhodey, all of us. Not sure about Nebula though, she’s more stoic than you were.”

She chuckles slightly at that, but still doesn’t look at him. She can feel his nervous energy radiating off him though, and it’s overwhelming to feel her ability again. There’s still an odd sort of tension between Ana and Steve. Makes her skin tingle and nerves jumpy, she almost wishes Carol were here instead.

“You don’t have to talk about them. You don’t have to talk to me about anything.” Steve continues, his voice morphs into a desperate hint of a plea. “Just, please don’t shut me out again, Ana.”

Frowning at her hands, she remains still, allowing him to talk.

“I mean,” He says quietly. “You shut everyone out, but it was worse with Natasha and I. Especially me. You never looked at me. You still can hardly look at me. I think I know why, and…I am so fucking sorry.”

Finally, Ana picks her head up, shocked and confused. But Steve’s eyes are staring off to the side, his hands twisting his fingers around. She follows his line of sight, to the picture of her and Bucky on their wedding day. When she looks at him again, his jaw clenches as he swallows.

Abruptly he stands up, but Ana reaches for his arm, grabbing his wrist. She sees him wince and realizes her grip is too tight. She quickly releases him as he stares wide eyed at her. She opens her mouth to ask why he apologized. Maybe ask why he’s suddenly leaving after he’d been pacing back and forth listening to her nightmares for weeks.

But a strange sensation shoots through her lower stomach and she gasps, hands immediately going to the spot. “Oh, fuck,” Ana whimpers with a wince. “Baby didn’t like that move.”

“Are you okay!? Do I need to call Dr. Hammond?” Steve asks frantically.

“No, no, I’m fine,” She reassures him, the pain fading. “Just moved too fast is all.”

Steve hums like he doesn’t quite believe her as he shakes his wrist out. “You look abnormally pale, lost your tanner complexion.”

Ana shrugs, not mentioning the lack of sun and definitely emotional stress is part of it. Instead, she attempts to reach for the nightstand drawer. Steve beats her too it, pulling out one of the vials of the elixir. He pops open the top, handing it to her. She nods her thanks.

“FRIDAY,” Steve addresses the AI that was reinstalled days ago. “What’s the read on Ana’s vitals?”

“Body temperature is normal, heart rate slightly elevated at 150 bpm. Fetal heart rate is normal range at 153 bpm. Mrs. Barnes blood pressure remains low at 90/60, however there are no other signs of distress at this time.”

“Thank you,” He says, seeming to relax just slightly.

“Mrs. Barnes, you haven’t taken your medication tonight, and your water intake has been minimal today. I can print out some prenatal yoga exercises and breathing techniques for you. I’ve noticed your sleeping pattern hasn’t improved enough to be considered healthy. Your appetite has improved quite a bit though.���

“This is why I disabled you in the first place,” Ana grumbles as Steve’s gaze narrows at her.

“I was truly impressed you bypassed my firewall, I was also hurt by your action-“ FRIDAY responds. Ana makes an indigent noise and swears FRIDAY sounds snippy. “-As I do care for your wellbeing. As does Mr. Stark.”

“Okay, that’s enough, thank you!” She snaps. The AI goes silent. Ana ignores the thick lump forming in her throat at the mention of Tony.

“Drink your water and take your medication.” Steve’s tone leaves no room for agreement as he gives her both her cup of water and the bottle of meds.

She does as she’s told, swallowing the pill and taking slow sips of water. She can feel her body relax and the baby roll around until it decides the position it’s is good enough.

“I don’t mean to continue to shut you out,” Ana confesses suddenly, eyes meeting Steve’s who was about to leave. “I’m still just trying to process feeling again. It’s overwhelming and I’m trying to stay as calm and relaxed as possible. The whole reason I did it in the first place, Steve, to was protect my child from any negative affects through me. You may not believe me, but everything I did, everything I’m trying to do is to protect my baby and keep it healthy.”

Sighing heavily, she puts her cup and bottle down, leaning back against her pillows. “Haven’t done a great job though.” She adds as an afterthought.

“I believe you,” Steve says, staying by the door. A shadow flickers in his blue eyes, and the energy around him changes darkly before it’s gone. “I just…sometimes it just feels like-“

Ana frowns because he just stops talking, shaking his head. Something is bothering him, and she swears it’s more than just shutting him out. He’s anxious about it. “Feels like what?”

“Nothing,” He gives her a nearly convincing smile. “It’s late, you should try going back to sleep.” Steve exists after that, closing the door but stopping the last few inches. “Ana, I’m here. If you need me. For anything.”

“I know,” She whispers as he shuts the door.

Ana covers her face again with her hands, inhaling slowly. She can still smell the faint ashes from her dreams, can still feel a phantom touch and realizes with a start, that she is not the only one to lose Bucky.

**

Finally, Ana is off bed rest, Dr. Hammond visiting once more for a check up and seemingly much happier with her health. She mentions the pains could possibly be Braxton Hicks contractions, a sign of her body beginning to prepare for birth. There’s only three months left and it’s this information of her body preparing to welcome a tiny human into the world, that Ana is appalled at herself. For a few reasons.

The first is Ana herself is not prepared whatsoever for a baby to arrive in three months. The second is knowing she hasn’t spoken to Pepper hardly at all, and rushes up to Rhodey. She all but interrogates him, asking if Pepper is angry. Demanding to know if Pepper is alright. Inquiring if the family is okay, and quickly questioning about Tony.

“Glad to see your rambling is back,” Rhodes quips, a smirk teasing his mouth.

He has been sitting in one of the conference rooms, apparently talking to whichever US Government leaders were left. Ana had come to find out that Thaddeus Ross was one of the many to disappear in “The Snap” as Rocket now refers bitterly to it. Ana however, doesn’t know how she quite feels about that bit of information. A bitter satisfaction does curl in her chest though.

“You sound a little like yourself again,” He continues, shutting off the holograms.

A deep ache throbs in Ana’s heart, and she doesn’t have the nerve to tell him that she cries almost every night now. That she spends more time watching and listening to a recording of her husband than talking to anyone else. Ana’s heartbreak remains the same as it was three months ago.

“I’ll be your go between just a little longer,” Rhodey says, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. “But you both need to speak to each other on your own. He still doesn’t know.”

“Oh.” Ana startles, feeling oddly hurt that Tony doesn’t know she’s pregnant. “Um…do you know why?”

He shrugs, standing up and adjusting the orthotic around his waist. “Pep thinks it should come from you personally.”

The third reason is the fact that while she shut her emotions off, Ana also deliberately shut off any help. She knows Natasha was hurt by it, knows she was pissed to hell, but her and Ana had a long two hours talk about everything. More apologizes from Ana included.

Ana decides it’s time to let people back in, because, as she swallows some bit of pride, she cannot do this alone. She finally calls Pepper, crying on the phone to her cousin because, fuck does she miss her husband, and this is the first time she’s truly allowing herself to feel every ounce of her pain and heartbreak and emotions. After a good hour of that, she goes back to her first reason; being appalled and angry at herself.

“I don’t have anything, Pepper!” Ana whines into the phone. “I’m not prepared. I don’t have a crib, I don’t have clothes, diapers! Wipes!? I don’t even have a damn blanket or pacifier! Oh my god, what if the baby gets sick and I don’t have that little nose sucker thing or a thermometer!? No little socks! This baby’s poor feet are going to freeze because it’s horrible, emotionless fuck of a mother couldn’t-“

“Whoa, hey! That’s enough, Ana!” Pepper scolds. “Take a breath, bug. You can’t work yourself up again like that. It’s going be okay.”

Pepper’s promise holds up. Within a day of their conversation, Pepper stops by with bags and boxes of baby supplies. Some are hand-me-downs, most everything else is new. Boxes of diapers, wipes, bibs, neutral blankets and little onesie’s. Pacifiers, nail clippers, a soft brush, a bathtub, socks, and beanies.

“Who’s Morgan?” Steve questions as he helps carrying in the last box. That he sets down in the living full of people, Morgan’s Baby Stuff written on the top.

Ana freezes with the veggie fruit smoothie Natasha made her, pressed to her lips. Her eyes shoot over to Pepper. Her cousin looks guilty for all of three seconds, before she sighs and shrugs.

“My two-year-old daughter,” She informs, likes it’s the most casual thing to drop that two-year secret. “Tony- both of us, decided to keep it a secret after your falling out.”

The shock of Tony Stark having a daughter ripples through the room.

“You all went your separate ways, most of you off the grid in hiding.” Pepper explains, hands on her hips. “If anyone is angry, then get over it. It was our decision to keep our privacy and family safe from public knowledge.”

“Oh, um, congratulations?” Steve offers awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck.

Ana snorts against her cup, nearly splashing her face with liquid veggies. Pepper mutters her gratitude, and that’s that. They continue to carry the gifts further into the room.

“I already knew,” Natasha confesses quietly to Ana, tilting her glass up to make sure she drinks. Of course she did. The infamous spy she is.

Ana glares at her as she takes over dramatic gulps as Nat, who’s hair is slowly turning red at the roots, rolls her eyes.

 It takes a few hours for Pepper to coax Ana to leave the compound and go to a store. Ana makes it halfway down the driveway to the car and stops. Her hearing has grown sensitive, and she knows why, however, she doesn’t hear much of anything.

The birds that used to sing in the trees and woods are silent. There’s zero scurrying feet over the dry leaves on the ground, and the feel of the air around her is…heavy. Broken and hurt. And here she is, about to shop for her child, for her and Bucky’s child.

Without him. Broken and hurt.

“I can’t do this,” She mutters, turning back to go inside.

Pepper doesn’t force her or convince her again. Instead, they pick and order a crib, highchair and anything else she needs.

As Ana rests, watching in a daze as Pepper folds little towels, she places one pile next to Ana. Shifting her eyes, she sees a onesie that says “Little Bean” with three coffee beans decorating the front. Pepper lays matching socks on top, oblivious to Ana’s reaction. She reaches for the tiny socks, the cloth soft in her hand.

“Annie Doll, come look!” Bucky shouts excitedly from the front door. “Ana!”

They had just gotten back from the hut, and she wants to shower the smells of hay and warm weather off. Ana sighs fondly, doubling back from the bathroom. She stops in the living room when she sees a gleeful Bucky holding up a package of six socks. Six, tiny baby socks.

“What in the world?” Ana laughs in bemusement. “Where did you get those? Oh, they’re so cute!”

“Shuri! Well, no-“ Bucky corrects himself as he comes closer. “She helped me navigate one of those baby store websites and I saw these so I ordered them!”

“Bucky, you know I’m only six weeks in right, babe? We have so much time to buy all the socks!” Though as she says it, her heart swells with warmth and love over Bucky’s excitement.

“Yeah…but look!” He nearly shoves the small things in her face. “Baby goats! They had goats on them and I just- what? Why are you looking at me like that?”

Ana can’t control her face, or her suddenly wet eyes. She just grabs her husband by the nape of his neck and kisses him firmly. She drags him to the couch, because she won’t make it back to their bedroom.

Remembering that day, Ana gets up too fast, pausing as a wave of dizziness hits her. She waits until it passes, then begins to frantically pull open drawers, searches through her closet, through boxes. She finds nothing as she throws clothes and drops objects to the floor.

“What are you looking for?” Pepper questions cautiously.

“I-I can’t find them.” Ana says with a shaky voice. “I need to find them. I have to find them.”

“Ana-“

“He bought them,” She mumbles, ignoring the tears falling down her cheeks as she rechecks the top drawer. “He bought them. He was so excited, and I can’t find them. I-I need them for Bucky. He bought them for the baby.”

A hand on her shoulder makes her turn and burry her face into Pepper’s chest. “I can’t find them!”

The socks Bucky bought aren’t in her room, which means. The six little pair of goat socks are somewhere in their home in Wakanda. It’s such a small thing, but it breaks Ana all over again. Feeling like her body is being ripped in two once more.

Reminds her that the black hole in her chest will never be whole again.

 27 Weeks:

Nothing gets easier. Ana almost shuts her emotions off again, a few times, until she ends up have a conversation with Nebula one night. It starts off with a game she said her, and Stark played while they were drifting off in space. She takes out a thick triangle, Ana immediately recognizing the little paper football.

Ana smiles sadly at the triangle, remembered when Tony played the same game with her as she recovered in the hospital after her brother had attacked her. The game moves on from light comments, to Ana teaching her simple card games. From there, is transpires deeper. Nebula brings up her suspicions of Ana’s nightmares and growing powers. Unknown as to why she does, Ana opens up to her.

“I thought it was because I was stress free in Wakanda. I was the happiest I’ve ever been.” She recalls somberly. “I was with the person I loved more than anything in my life I had Bucky.” Ana wipes the tears that escape her eyes. She takes a moment to gather herself as Nebula waits patiently.

“I had, have these rings that help regulate my energy. I haven’t been wearing them lately though, maybe that’s why? Or the growth of my hormones with the baby? Or-“

Her right hand slips slightly, her fingers grazing over the stone embedded in the last knuckle of the glove. She yelps, either from pain or the new surge of power coursing through her.

Ana blinks, the memory flashing through her mind. Reminding her.

I touched an Infinity Stone, doesn’t seem to be something Ana should confess just yet. However, Nebula was born on a different planet, and the daughter of that horrible titan. She may possibly know more about the stones than anyone else.

The first time Ana had been in close proximity to Nebula, she felt energy and emotions just as chaotic, and dark as Bucky’s had been; if not a little more. It had to be Nebula’s own moment of vulnerability, suffering so deeply from pain and lose and rage. Since then, she had been stoic enough for Ana to sit close to her, just to feel energy that wasn’t openly heavy. Maybe it’s why Ana decides to tell her.

“Nebula,” Ana begins quietly, urgently, hoping no one is overhearing. “If I tell you something, do you promise to keep it a secret? I’m trusting you here.”

Nebula isn’t one to express her thoughts or emotions, or anything for that matter on her face, but this clearly shocks her. Her dark eyes are wide as she sits back. Nodding once she leans back in, closer to listen to Ana.

“I, I think I touched one of the Infinity Stones,” She mutters, nervously rubbing her hands over her stomach. “I’m sure of it.”

A beat passes. “No Terran can touch a stone without damage. Or death,” Nebula states ominously. “It is not possible.” Though as she says it, her words drift off in thought.

“Don’t you know all about the stones? Does Rocket?” Ana can’t help but inquire.

She shakes her head, eyes looking oddly disappointed. “I only know one of their main functions. Some were simple, straightforward, like the Power Stone. Others were more complicated. My father was never one to spill the secrets of each stone he found.”

“Maybe that’s the one I touched? The Power Stone?” Ana foolishly asks with hope.

“Do you recall the color?”

“No,” She huffs, defeated. Abruptly she doubts herself. “I’m not even sure if it really happened anymore.”

Ana doesn’t elaborate, feeling rather silly for even mentioning it. Maybe she dreamt it. Maybe she was hit so hard it knocked her brain around a little. Maybe she was so emotionally distraught that she just fabricated it. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything.

“You have dreams?” Nebula questions, bringing Ana back.

“I have nightmares,” She corrects. “Always the same, like a strange world.”

“Your physical strength has grown since touching the stone.”

“Yeah,” Ana drawls out, wincing. “That’s…that’s not part of it, I think. Wait. You’ve noticed that? My-my strength?”

“I have. You could be a lethal warrior if you wanted.”

Internal panic tightens her chest. She hoped no one was going to notice; leaving bruises on Steve was one thing, possibly passable and could be forgotten. Even her newly sensitive hearing. But the cracks in objects that aren’t easily crackable? The broken hinge of the door to the roof when Ana pulled to hard? Those aren’t as easy to explain or hide.

“Is that another secret, Barnes? How powerful you have become?”

“Please,” She sags, abruptly feeling tired. “It’s not something I want to talk about yet.”

They don’t speak for a few minutes. Then Nebula makes a tiny smacking noise against the table. “I win.”

Ana looks down at the game of war they paused to talk. Nebula’s duel card is an Ace. Ana flips her over. It’s a Queen.

“I enjoyed that,” Nebula states coolly, gathering the cards messily. “I am going to beat Rhodes now.”

Ana is left laughing softly in the living room. Her panic slowly dying down.

28 weeks:

Entering her seventh month of carrying a human being inside her has really taken affect on Ana. Her hair has gotten much longer, thicker than it was. It’s probably the only thing Ana likes. The heartburn, light sciatic pain, and lower back pain and peeing every five minutes she could all do without. Thankfully, Ana’s vitals and the baby’s have been good enough for Dr. Hammond, who once again stresses the support group for expecting widowed mothers.

Finally relenting, Ana agrees, but with a blush on her face asks Natasha to go with her. The drive isn’t too far, and it’s the first time she has left the compound since Wakanda. There’s a significantly less amount of cars on the road, barely any traffic for a Friday at 5:30pm. The lack of birds and planes flying through the sky. The absence of bikers and runners.

Clenching her hands into fits, Ana rolls her shoulders back, taking a deep breath. Her skin prickles with new energy, new emotions, especially when Natasha stops at a red light. Ana meets the eyes of the person sitting next to them; a middle aged man with vacant eyes. The light turns green and as he drives away, there’s a sticker family on the back of his car; a wife and five kids.

The radio turns to static, then shuts off. Biting her lips, Ana tries not to think of every single person who lost their families, friends, children, the love of their lives. The confusion, the horror, the guilt people must have felt, still feel. Ana’s breathing begins to rapidly pick up, and that same clenching pressure makes itself known in her lower stomach.

“Nat,” She grits out, closing her eyes in an attempt to calm herself.

“Are you going into labor in my car?” Natasha deadpans, a hint of humor behind the flat of her voice.

“No,” Ana huffs a strained chuckle. “But I can’t do this. I thought I could. But my energy…”

“Figured with the radio, just don’t shut car down either. I’m turning around right now, don’t worry. Just count your breathing. Slow inhales and exhales. Touch around you if you need too. You’re alright Ana”

How ironic, Ana thinks vaguely as she follows those instructions, for someone titled an Empathetic Healer to have her own anxiety attacks. To have someone who used to come to her, be the one coaching Ana.

Fuck, she misses Bucky with every aching molecule.

Bucky was so good, so attuned to her, that he was always able to calm her down instantly. All he had to do was gently brush his metal fingers against her hand, or cheek. All he had to do was give her a tight squeeze with his right hand, or press his forehead to hers and silently breath with her until Ana had followed his calming pattern. Or press her hand to his chest like she had done since the beginning. Coo gentle, loving words to her. Even now, she hears that phantom call of her voice.

“Have you picked a name yet?” Nat’s gentle voice provides a slight distraction.

She takes her time to answer. “Not-not really. We considered a few, but it was still too early.”

She hums. “I assume Bucky was excited?”

Remembering how Bucky ran out of the room and spun her after the positive result, Ana smiles to herself. The undeniable glee that lit up his entire beautiful face, his eyes the bluest she had ever seen then, shinning with tears. The kisses her placed on every inch of her body that night, taking his time to set every one of her nerves on fire. Brought her to the highest of highs, just to bring her crashing down into him, safe, happy and loved.

Ana isn’t aware she’s silently crying until the tears drip off her jaw and land on her stomach. Soaks into the fibers of another one of Bucky’s shirt, because when she wears them, it’s like carrying him with her wherever she goes. Ana wipes her tears with trembling fingers.

“Yes,” She answers belatedly. Despite the shuddering breath she takes, she feels like she can breathe better. “Ecstatic.”

“Did you know that little shit Rocket, stole my egg rolls and ate all four of them!” Natasha abruptly informs her. “Nearly threw hands with a raccoon.”

The sudden change from her vicious threatening voice to her pitiful grumble and the story itself, has Ana breaking out in laughter. It’s a liberating feeling, getting to laugh as brusquely as she did. Lessens the tightness in her chest a little more. She laughs for two minutes straight, Nat joining along with her.

“Thank you, Nat.” Ana whispers after they’ve calmed down.

“I swear if another apology follows that, I will punch a pregnant woman in the arm.” Though as she threatens this, Ana can see the coy smirk on her mouth.

Instead, Natasha reaches over, squeezing her hand. She tries not to feel all of Natasha’s anguish, but the little she does get, reminds her that she’s not alone in this aftermath. Ana returns the gesture with a harder grip.

“Now, fix the damn radio, would you?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

*

The next two nights pulls Ana straight to sleep after she gets comfortable on her left side. She’s so tired the past 48 hours, that her mind finally shuts off, and she has dreamless nights. It doesn’t stop her waking up feeling guilty, like she missed the dreams on purpose; it brings the same agonizing ache as always.

It also never stops from calling out to her while she’s conscious. As if her soul is angry that she missed that dream world for two days. Something happens following lunch three days later, while everyone is gathered around the kitchen island.

Annie.

The soft whisper is like a trance caressing her body, a lovers call inside her mind, beckoning her back. Back to sleep, because she knows, without a doubt, she will end up in that world. The strange orange world, where the sky looks like the burning afterglow of raging fires. The odd world with wetless water, an unknown little girl, an ominous door.

There, in that place of illusion, does she hear his voice loud and clear. Calls her by her name, lifts his hand to gently fit his palm along the curve of her cheek. He’s there, always with that sad little smile. His eyes so incredibly blue, so tender, yearning as if he misses her.

In that world, is Bucky.

In that world, Ana can steal just a few moments feeling Bucky. Against her skin, in the air. His breath in her lungs, his beating heart in the empty cavity of her chest. For just five short seconds, begging for time to stretch, pleading for time to freeze, Ana has Bucky in her soul.

Annie.

Her sharp inhale brings her out of her own daze, dropping her face in her hands. She shakes her head, resisting the urge to just take a nap, allow herself to fall into that water once more. Sometimes, she wishes she could just sleep and not wake, to stay forever with Bucky in that world. Then maybe, maybe she could save him.

“Bucky,” Ana barely murmurs under her breath. Tears stinging behind her eyelids. “Bucky. I miss you. I miss you.”

She leans forward, until she rests her head on a solid surface, face now hidden in the crook of her arm. She right hand grips the edge, fingers clenching as she hears his voice in her head again. Her soul cries out for its missing half.

“Ana? Everything okay?”

She makes a noise, can’t tell if it’s a confirmation or not. Her chest feels like it’s tightening. The baby jabs a sharp kick, or a punch, aimed right at her ribs. It’s enough to jolt her back to reality, and she slowly pushes herself up straight. She meets the concerned gazes of six other people.

The lights of the compound are flickering again, the air heavy with dampening energy. Nebula is the closest to her, and carefully reaches over to uncurl Ana’s fingers from the death grip on the counter. Bits of granite and dust sprinkle to the floor, Nebula leans over the cracked spot. Ana gives her a curious look, then quickly meets the gaze of everyone else. She makes eye contact with both Steve and Natasha, keen green and blue eyes not fooled by the cover up.

“Are you feeling alright?” Carol questions, stepping closer. “Your energy levels seem to be spiking.”

“Y-yeah! Yes! I’m fine!” Ana quickly reassures. She inhales and exhales deeply, and the lights steady. “Uh…the baby. Yeah, the baby was just moving around a lot is all. I’m fine, feel fine. Honest.”

Natasha sighs, suddenly looking tired and leaning her hands on the counter. She shakes her head, then her and Steve share a look. A silent conversation. Steve nods once.

“Ana, I think it’s time to talk about something you’ve been trying to hide,” Natasha speaks calmly.

“I’m not hiding anything,” Ana denies. She’s usually better at lying than this. “I told you, pregnancy has thrown my energy off a little, that’s all.”

“Cut the bullshit, Ana!” Steve snaps coldly, eyes flashing.

Ana blinks in shock. Steve angry is…a little frightening. He doesn’t stand to be lied to. “Steve-“

“You have been getting stronger?” It’s a question but it sounds more like observation.

“I’ve gained my strength back now that I’ve been eating more-“

“Not what I am talking about.”

“You have to know, Ana,” Natasha urges, brows pinched together.

She stares at them for a second, then she gets up as quickly and carefully as she can. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

Ana walks out of the kitchen, heading towards her room as fast as she can waddle. Her heart is pounding faster, her own panic about the developing situation coming to the surface. Of course, Ana has noticed herself getting stronger the further she gets into pregnancy. It’s not like the thought has never crossed her mind. She had just been too busy shutting her emotions off and trying to figure out that dream world and trying not to suffocate on ashes and heartbreak.

Of course, she’s noticed the dented fingers marks on wooden and metal surfaces, of the spidering cracks in the toilet bowl, the ripping of several maternity sweatpants as she tugged them up over her stomach. Of the broken pieces of plastic cups and one of the bottles of the elixir. Of course, she knew the bruises she left on a damn super soldier were from her.

Speaking of.

Steve follows her down the hallway, catching up rather quickly. “Ana! Ana, please. Look, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to snap at you, but you have to know. Maybe just get it checked out by Dr. Hammond, or another doctor, run some tests. I’m just worried how this could affect you and the baby.”

Ana halts when she’s in front of her door, rounding on Steve. “No! This doesn’t concern you, Steve!”

“I’m just looking out for your wellbeing!”

She grabs the handle of her door with frustration. “I don’t know why you suddenly seem to have an obligation to me, but-“

Ana stops talking the moment she forcefully pushes the door handle. She didn’t account for how much strength she used as she shoved. She stumbles forward, her arm going straight through the hole, holding the doorknob. It’s splintered with jagged edges from the broken wood. She stares wide-eyed at the shape of the hole, strangely looking like the broken piece would fit back in perfectly like a puzzle.

This is new. Ana slowly moves her gaze to Steve; who gawks at her. Shit.

Awkwardly, she gently tries replacing the section of wood she pushed off. It sticks, not fitting quite right, but she’ll just pretend it did happen, like everything else she had broken.

“Holy fuck,” Steve whispers, stunned.

Deciding to remain silent, considering there’s no way around it, Ana just watches Steve. She can see him mentally gathering the pieces in his head. She only makes it to the count of four as he figures it out.

“I fucking knew it. It is enhancing you.”

“Steve. Please don’t,” Ana pleads, her anxiety making her nerves burn.

“The serum transferred to you. Which means it transferred to-“

“No, no it didn’t!” She desperately disputes. “This is just a weird fluke thing. You know, Nebula accidentally pulled off an entire door last week.”

Steve shakes his head, eyes flashing with concern as he looks her over. “We need to take you to a doctor. Dr. Cho maybe, run tests to confirm it.”

White hot panic surges up her spine. Ana frantically shakes her head. This is exactly why she didn’t want anyone to know, why she didn’t give it much thought. Why she hid it. Drawing blood, conducting tests, being studied; all for the slight chance of her baby possibly having the super soldier serum in its genetic code.

“Absolutely not!” Ana states fervidly, fear rising up in her.

He frowns, expression serious. “Ana, this could be-“

“I know what it could be, Steve!” She yells. “I know exactly what this means!”

Ana places her hands protectively over her stomach. “It’s the serum! It was in Bu- in Bucky’s genetic code. In his DNA. Which means it’s more than likely is in the baby’s genetics! My baby is going to be enhanced, there’s no way it’s not. Bucky is a...was-“

She breaks off, voice shaky, her body trembling. She swallows thickly, knowing she must finally face the truth. She feels movement under her hands, as if the baby is confirming what she’s known since the beginning. All her senses becoming sharper; hearing more sensitive, eyesight slightly better.

“Bucky was enhanced,” Ana continues, voice as panicked as before.  “I’m-I’m enhanced. I don’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want anyone to know. I can’t! If doctors or scientists found out, if anyone finds out that this is the child of the Winter Soldier and an Energy Alchemist!? Who the hell knows what exactly they would want to do with our baby!”

“Ana,” Steve looks torn, “We can keep it a secret. Find a trustworthy-“

“Fuck trustworthy, Steve!” She shouts, slicing her hand through the air. “No one is trustworthy! They’re still out there! Hydra, AIM, other organizations and groups just like them!”

“Hey, hey-“ He attempts to interrupt, to calm her down. It doesn’t work.

“Captain Rogers,” FRIDAY’s voice speaks up over them in warning.”

“I know!” He says to the AI.

Ana barely hears their exchange. Her breath begins to shorten, chest tightening. “Thanos didn’t fucking correct the universe like his fucked up brain thought! It didn’t snap away the evil people of the world. It made it easier for them! Hydra- Eric Woods kidnapped us just three year ago! If they knew. They’re still out there. If they find out-“

“That is not going to happen!” Steve promises vehemently, stepping closer.

“They- they can’t! Can’t find out. This is all I have left,” Ana begins to hyperventilate, cradling her stomach. “This is all I have left. This is all I have left.”

“Hey, honey, I’m sorry. Deep breathes, Ana,” Steve coaxes gently. “I’m sorry. It won’t happen.”

Ana is barely aware of her skin beginning to glow brighter. The walls started to tremble, the floor shakes. She feels a chaotic and static energy in the air. There’s a sharp tightening in her chest again and she needs…she needs her husband.

But Bucky isn’t here. Ana is not dreaming; she doesn’t see him. She doesn’t hear the faint haunting murmurs of her name. He’s not gently touching her cheek, gazing at her with those loving blue eyes. She doesn’t feel Bucky and that’s one of the worst things that has been carved out of her soul.

“Okay, okay, no doctors, Ana. I swear it,” Steve says carefully. “Just try breathe, Ana.”

Slowly, he reaches out to her. As if to comfort her, support her, remind her that she is not alone in this. When Steve’s fingers are inches from her skin, she can feel her powers reacting viciously. Ana takes a step back.

“I-I can’t!” She pants heavily. “It feels like. I wake up. Ashes. Dust. It’s- I wake up from ashes and it’s everywhere! Its-It’s in my lungs. My throat. It feels like I’m suffocating! I wake up and I’m suffocating.”

If she was aware enough, Ana could read his expression as broken, maybe a little helpless. Instead, Steve finally touches her. He doesn’t even get his fingers wrapped around her wrist, before he is abruptly, and harshly ricocheted backward.

His body is thrown halfway down the hall, slamming against the end of the wall. He hits it so hard, plaster and cement crack and rain pieces down on his limp form. Ana smacks her hand over her mouth. Light bulbs shatter, the air sizzles hotly, and she covers her head with her arm as bits of glass fall from the lights.

Despite the sight and groaning from Steve, Ana can’t seem to get a handle on her power, her energy, her emotions. It’s what lead to her outburst of power weeks prior. She isn’t wearing the rings Shuri gave her, has no other way of regulating herself. Quickly, she presses her hands to her chest, trying to regain her breathing, to focus, to control her emotions, her powers. Maybe she should turn off her emotions again. It’s better, safer for everyone, and herself.

Something grips her left shoulder, vice and grounding. Abruptly, Ana’s powers halt, then begins to settle. She gasps at the sudden feeling, but she doesn’t push it away, instead she grabs the hand on her shoulder and squeezes.

“I’m right here,” A soothing reminder. Carol’s voice. “You’re okay, you’re alright. I’m here.”

It’s the same feeling Ana had experience before with Carol’s own powers. As if they call out to her, like it wants to comfort her. Remind her that she really isn’t alone; not with this.

Her eyes sting as Ana tightly shuts them. Inhaling slowly, deeply, she nods. Her knees feel weak, her skin hot as she comes down, everything falling silent and settling around her. A sharp jab to the side of her stomach makes her wince; the baby protesting the rise and fall of the energy.

Ana snaps her eyes open, releasing Carol as she takes a shaky step forward. She feels the hands behind her hovering by her arms, a precaution in case she stumbles. Steve is taking his time getting up. A wave of guilt mixed with nausea curls through her.

“S-Steve?” Ana calls out with a trembling voice.

He attempts to push himself up, but his hand slips, and he presses his forehead to the debris covered floor. Ana moves closer. She doesn’t quite understand what happened. Her energy shouldn’t have knocked him back like that without the protective shield. In fact, twice it’s accepted Steve. Once in Wakanda, right after half of everyone vanished, and when he recklessly held her just weeks ago.

When she reaches him, now with Carol’s supporting hands on her arm, she carefully kneels placing a shaky hand on his back. Steve’s panting slightly, groaning low in his throat as he finally gets himself up on all fours. He tilts sideways, sitting back and slumping against the wall.

“Are you- did I hurt you?”

When Steve looks up to meet Ana’s gaze, her heart clenches. The emotion storming in his blue eyes roots her to the spot. His eyes are red, wet, tracks of tears staining his cheeks. The utter guilt, shame, and pain shinning in them renders Ana speechless.

“I’m sorry,” Steve croaks. Ana shakes her head, perplexed. “I’m so sorry, Ana.”

“No, I-“

“This isn’t on you,” He cuts her off, wincing as he straightens himself. “I failed you.”

Lifting his hand, he lays it gingerly on her shoulder. “I promise-I swear on my life. I will keep you and your baby safe. I…I couldn’t keep Bucky...I couldn’t bring him back to you. I broke that promise to you. I won’t break this one.”

Ana feels her face screw up with emotion. “Okay,” She exhales thickly, tears spilling from her eyes. “Okay.”

She drops her forehead to his shoulder, her own shaking as she cries. Through her tears, she listens closely, trying to decipher Steve’s breathing. His heart is slowly settling back to his version of a normal rate, and his breaths even out, no sign of broken ribs.

“Feeling alright?” Steve checks in a few minutes of them sitting there crying.

Sniffling, she wipes her nose on her sleeve and leans back. “Are you?”

“Just bruises, I think. Feeling exhausted, but I’m okay. Didn’t beat me up too bad. I’m actually a little proud.”

It makes Ana chuckle wetly, wiping more tears away.

“You guys okay?” Carol questions behind her. Ana hears the concern hidden in the coolness of her tone. “Didn’t rattle your brain too much, did she Rogers?”

“Nah, I can do this-“

“Yeah, yeah,” Ana cuts him off with a wave of her hand. “He’s got this annoyingly admiring habit of never staying down.”

A smile lights up Carol’s face as she extends a hand out for her. Ana takes it, allowing her new friend to lift her with her majority of her strength. When she looks behind Carol, Natasha is standing right there. There’s no anger or disappointment in her eyes, she just offers her a tiny smile then goes to help Steve up, brushing off rubble from his shirt.

“I,” Ana hesitates, soothing her hands over her belly as the baby wiggles around. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t had tried hiding this from either of you.” She addresses Natasha as well.

She carefully wraps her arms around Ana. “We shouldn’t have pushed. You know we love you. We’ve been nothing but worried about you. And this little one.” Natasha lends down to gently rub Ana’s belly. “Huh? Just being a strong little super soldier in there, aren’t you?”

The baby responds by kicking again. Ana sighs, the sensation it a little weird to her. She can’t help but crack a smile, despite hurting Steve.

“I’m not lying when I say I’m scared.” Ana tells them. She looks at Steve. “But, if you think it’s best I go see-“

“No,” He interrupts her. “How could I ever think I had the right to tell you what to do, to make a decision for you and your baby. It’s your choice, Ana. If you don’t want too, don’t. I’m sorry I pressured you. You have all the right not to trust anyone.”

“I trust you, you know, that right? I trust all of you here. I just don’t want anyone else to know.”

“Yeah, I know,” Steve breathes heavily, and carefully wraps his arm around her.

Ana leans into him, exhausted and suddenly livid at herself for pushing him away for months. Angry that she pushed away people whom she considers family and ignoring their own pain in the process.

“I’m sorry if I’m still a little off,” Ana apologizes shyly. “Having to deal with my emotions again, feeling so much around me. It’s overwhelming.”

“Hey, don’t worry about any of it. We understood, and we still do.” Natasha says. “By the way, a very annoyed AI alerted me of your spiking vitals. I always found it a little creepy how emotional Tony makes his artificial intelligence. Just take it easy the rest of the night, yeah?”

Ana nods as Carol beckons for them to get out of the hallway. She helps them both along, guiding Ana carefully over shattered glass.

**

Hours later, after the hallway has been cleaned up, both Ana’s and the baby’s vitals checked thoroughly by FRIDAY and a call from Dr. Hammond, Steve finally knocks on Ana’s door. He figures it time to honestly talk to her, lay out his own fears. To truly apologize to her.

“Are you concussed?” Ana asks flatly. She’s propped up against her pillows, with two beneath her knees.

Steve smiles despite himself, making yet another connection between her and when Bucky was a teenager yanking him out of back alley fights. Closing the newly fixed door behind him, he comes to sit on the edge of the bed. He notices in her hands, one of the many journals belonging to Bucky, opened as her fingers trace the written words, like she’s tattooing them on her skin.

“Hard head, remember?” He quips, getting comfortable in his position.

Ana snorts and kicks at his propped up knee. Inhaling to calm his nerves, Steve decides it just best to get right to it, staring straight at those big brown eyes.

Ones that have always seen right through people. Ones that have hardened and burned cold the past several months. He swallows thickly. Her gaze pins him to his spot. The only person to ever make him feel like he’s being picked apart down to his soul has been Natasha, but Ana is a very close second. But then she blinks, the cold lessening as confusion settles in.

“You’re nervous. I can feel it.”

“Everything is my fault,” Steve confesses in a rush, keeping eye contact even though he wants to sink into the earth.

“What are you talking about?”

“There’s been uh, a few things I’ve been too afraid to tell you. To talk to you about.” He rubs his sweaty hands on his jeans. “You said you didn’t know why I have an obligation to care take of you. Well, I made a promise to you in Wakanda, remember. I also made one to Bucky.”

 Ana’s frown deepens but she remains silent, waiting for him to elaborate.

Wakanda, fifteen minutes before the battle of Thanos:

Steve had to tear his eyes away from Bucky and Ana’s goodbye, not from discomfort, but if he continued to watch he would have told Bucky to stay with her. He should have told Bucky to just stay with her, for them to protect each other, to help protect Shuri as she works on Vision.

He should tell Bucky now, to just go back where he belongs, right next to his wife. Steve watches Bucky with a keen eye as they ride towards the field; the wind blowing his long hair back from his face. Steve’s known Bucky his entire life. He knows every little sign of distress, anger, no matter how hard Bucky always tried to hide it from him. Only one other person knows Bucky just as much as Steve does- probably knows him even better by this point.

Bucky didn’t want to leave Ana; anyone could see that. Now, as Steve watches Bucky’s new vibranium hand fiddle with a loose thread on his pants, he knows it’s taking everything in his friend to stay on the hovercraft. Bucky’s hips keep shifting his weight side to side. His chest is rising is slow calculating movements, his jaw is clenching, he slowly closes his eyes. Steve swallows thickly. They should have never asked Bucky to join one more fight. He makes up his mind.

“Buck-“

“Steve,” Bucky interrupts what he was about to say. He opens his eyes, stares straight ahead. “If anything happens to me-“

“Don’t fucking talk like that.” Steve reprimands firmly, dread curling in his stomach.

Bucky meets his gaze, serious and, fearful. “We can’t kid ourselves here, pal. If- if anything happens to me-“ He swallows with his brows pinched together. “Can you…can you take care of her?”

“Bucky-“

“I need you to take care of Ana for me. Please. I need to know they will- she. I need to know she’ll be taken care of. Please Steve.”

The begging desperation in Bucky’s eyes nearly breaks his heart. For once, Steve bites back his disagreement and nods. “Of course, I’ll take care of her, Buck.”

A sudden heavy boot presses down atop of Steve’s foot. “Thank you.”

His whisper of gratitude is nearly lost in the sounds of them landing at their destination. They file off the aircraft, but Steve can’t stomach it anymore. He quickly turns to Bucky, who double checks the knives at his thigh holster, and grabs his gun from the crate.

“Go back, Buck. I mean it. Just go back to Ana.” Steve orders. He can hear how frantic he sounds. “You should be together.”

A bitter smile flashes across Bucky’s mouth. “With you til’ the end of line, Stevie.” He lifts his gaze from his gun, that same old mischief back in his eyes. “Plus, Ana’s safest where she is right now. It’s your dumb ass I gotta protect. Like always.”

From his right, Steve hears Natasha snort in humor. He shoots her a glare then shoves Bucky ahead of him, and just like that, they’re leading the march onto the battlefield. It feels way too reminiscent of their time in the Howling Commandos, marching into battle.

*

Silence follows as Steve finishes telling Ana that bit of information. Watches as she slowly smooths her hands over of her stomach, having put the journal aside. Her left hand pauses for a second, gently tapping her fingers over the spot, presses down, and continues on. Her wedding rings reflect like glitter off the lights as she moves. Steve frowns, curious. She’s been doing that a lot lately and he wonders how often the baby kicks, if it feels the same restlessness as its mother.

“Well, it was a pretty dumbass move when you went after Thanos with your bare fucking hands.” Ana says.

Steve makes a protesting noise. “Didn’t you do that same thing?”

“We’re talking about you here, not me. Plus, I had the shield activated.”

The little humor he hears in her voice makes Steve smiles just a little. At least some of her old self seems to be shining through the broken cracks.

“Of course, Bucky would ask you take care of me,” She whispers solemnly.

“Haven’t kept that promise to him though,” Steve mumbles. “He said “they” at the time, and I didn’t put it together until you told me. But I’ve been doing a shit job, to be honest.”

“To be honest,” Ana repeats his words with firmer tone. “That’s completely on me. I haven’t made this easy for anyone. I am so incredibly sorry again.”

Steve reaches out to grab her hand, giving her fingers a firm squeeze. “No one blames you for what you did. We understand, but your, what is it now? A hundredth apology is accepted.”

Ana offers him a small smile. It falls a second later. “Why do you think it’s all your fault?”

“Because I broke my promise to bring Bucky back to you. I broke my promise to both of you.” Steve lowers his gaze, taking his hand from hers. “If I just. Fuck. If I just defeated him, if I just had killed Thanos with every chance I got, then none of this would have happened. I would have brought Bucky back safe and sound and you wouldn’t be going through this alone. Vision would still be alive. Wanda wouldn’t have had to endure all that pain. Fuck, she was still so young. And Sam-“

Steve hears his voice crack and he pinches the bridge of his nose, trying desperately to hold back his tears. He didn’t come here to have a sob fest on her bed. A soft warm touch rests over his other hand, a gentle trickle beginning to ease his emotions.

“Steve,” Ana speaks so softly.

He slowly pulls his hand from her touch. Finally looking up, he shakes his head. “I don’t need you to do that. You don’t need to change use your ability for me. Don’t exert yourself.”

“But you feel so sad,” She tells him. Steve nods in a mute confession. “You haven’t spoken to anyone about this have you?”

He shakes his head again.

“Then talk to me if you won’t allow me to help you.”

He huffs his exhales, giving her a look. “Have you talked to anyone about how you feel?” Steve challenges, not unkindly.

“No, but what do you think this? Just get it all out. Talk to me.”

This was not what he came here for. He just wanted to wallow in his own self-deprecating pity. To confess to Ana that he had failed her, he failed the universe. The crushing weight of that brings him down in a pit of darkness each night, drowns him in his own horrible nightmares. Watches helplessly as all his friends fall to the ground in piles of ash.

Steve came to Ana, with some oddly placed masochism and a small bit of hope that she would lash out at him again because he deserves it. He deserves her avoiding his eyes. Deserves to nearly have his own life drained from his body, to have her powers injure him as he’s thrown against solid concrete. To have any ounce of her hate, anger, placed all on him.

But the way Ana sits patiently, kindly and not shouting cruses or damnation to him. The way she just tried calming him, helping him, is exactly who is she. Despite the months of shutting off her own emotions. A small piece of herself is still there, if broken and haunted, but there.

It causes Steve to finally break.

“I’m angry!” He spits out, clutching at the sheets. “I am so fucking angry at myself! I could have made Bucky stay with you. I could have saved him.” Steve releases a bitter laugh. “I guess that’s my track record though isn’t it? I could never save Bucky. Not from that damn train, not from fucking Hydra, not from Zemo’s revenge, not from being stolen away from you.

“You know, I thought when I was first got the serum, that I would finally be able to protect the people I love most, to protect my family. What a load of bullshit! I still lost him. I had to watch him die, again. You had to watch Bucky die and I still couldn’t protect him. I couldn’t protect you from losing him. I couldn’t protect my family, my friends, the goddamn world! I couldn’t save anyone from Thanos.”

Tears are freely falling down Steve’s cheeks, tracing into his lips and soaking into his jeans. He licks the saltiness from his lips, taking in a trembling breath. He sniffs hard, shaking his head again.

“I failed. I failed everyone. I failed Tony-“

“Steve-“ Ana attempts to dispute his statement, but he doesn’t allow her.

He continues without giving her an ounce of room to speak. “I did. I betrayed him. He’s right, maybe if we fought together, we could have defeated Thanos. That’s on me. I failed. And I failed Bucky again, time and time again and because of it. I failed you too.”

“That night, when you broke down, I felt every single emotion you had. All your anguish, your loneliness, your pain, your heartbreak. You felt empty. It was crippling, suffocating. That’s not something you should have to deal with or feel by yourself, Ana. None of this is your fault. You didn’t fail. Just put it all on me instead. I deserve that.”

 “Hey, stop!”

Steve abruptly scoots forward and quickly grabs her right hand, pressing his solidly against his chest. He ignores her startled, somewhat fearful look. He feels an electric spark shock his chest as her skin glows for a fleeting moment. It fades when she clearly doesn’t feel threatened anymore. If Ana had blasted him back again, he would have welcomed it.

“You shut off your emotions, Ana. There’s a part of me that wonders if it made it easier to shut me out too. Do you hate me because I failed you? Because I failed the entire universe? I’m fucking Captain America, who let the world turn to dust. I want you to hate me, Ana. I want you to lash out at me.”

Ana yanks her hand back, then promptly slaps him across the face.

Steve blinks twice, stunned. His cheek stings and he tastes copper on his tongue for biting the inside of his cheek. His head clears a little, and he thinks yeah, he probably deserved that. When he gathers himself to meet her gaze, there’s fury in her eyes. Something he hasn’t seen in Ana for so long.

“I nearly killed you, Steve!” She hisses at him, shaking out her hand once. “I wasn’t trying to share my pain with anyone else. You just happened to be there, and I almost stole your life energy. You’re the only self-sacrificing idiot that runs headfirst to hold onto to a Life Drainer. How the fuck is that making good on your promise to Bucky to take care of me, if you aren’t even alive!?”

Guilt floods through his veins as Steve realizes she’s right, and he got way into his head just then. Didn’t articulate properly what he was trying to say. He drops his head in shame as she continues to talk.

“I’m sorry I slapped you,” She apologies, but her voice still has a hint of aggravation. “But goddamnit, Rogers. You punishing yourself for thinking you’re the only one who failed? For breaking promises? You aren’t the only one who thinks they failed people, Steven. As for your promise.”

Steve lifts his head, tentatively meeting her gaze. Her eyes are watery, tears brimming along her lower eyelids. She’s stroking her arms over her stomach again, one after the other, blowing out a shaky breath as her tears fall over. Steve feels even worse, having made her distressed yet again.

“I didn’t make it easy for anyone, especially you. I wasn’t thinking of the repercussions of what shutting of my emotions would do. I couldn’t handle it, Steve. I couldn’t handle it at all and I felt like if I didn’t do something about it, then-“ Ana breaks off, shrugging. She hastily wipes her tears away. “I am so, so deeply and incredibly sorry. I should have never-“

Steve carefully takes hold of her wrist. “Hey, no honey, none of that anymore. You needed to protect yourself and your baby first. I understand why you did. I just didn’t know how to help you, and I still don’t. I didn’t mean to stress you out more. I shouldn’t have said what I did, ask you to do something you would never do in the first place.”

“Captain Rogers,” FRIDAY interrupts their conversation abruptly. The AI doesn’t sound happy with him. “I suggest you leave Mrs. Barnes alone for the rest of the night. Her vitals hint at distress that I’m afraid you have caused. Twice now.”

Shit. He definitely did not come here with those intentions, and Steve can’t seem to stop fucking up tonight.

“No, FRIDAY, it’s fine!” Ana quickly reassures her. “I’ll do my breathing exercises. I feel fine.”

There’s a pause. “As you wish, Mrs. Barnes. You have four vials left of the elixir if you decided to drink one now, it wouldn’t hurt to do so as you didn’t take one three hours prior. However, Captain, if you continue to upset her or her baby, I will activate the electric security protocol.”

Steve glares at Ana as she snorts her laughter behind her fist as she takes out a bottle. “I understand.” He tells the AI. “I assume Pepper added that last part?”

“I’m not at liberty to say.” Another Pause. “It was not Pepper.”

FRIDAY goes silent as Ana downs the elixir with wide shocked eyes. Steve shoves his hand through his hair, blowing out a sigh. He stays quiet as he watches Ana calm herself down with the breathing exercises. He waits about five minutes until she finally opens her eyes and flashes him a small smile. He can hear the steady, relaxed beats of each heart rate and relaxes himself.

“This is definitely hypocritical for me to say,” Ana begins, wincing as she touches her stomach. “But you can’t keep that all locked inside. Exhibit A.” She gestures to herself.

“I know,” He huffs out heavily. “Nat and I talked sometimes, drank mostly, but we didn’t talk it about enough. I just, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know how to help you or anyone else for that matter.”

“But you are you helping yourself?”

“You’re right, you are being a little hypocritical, Barnes.”

In a rare sight of true Ana fashion, she flicks him off, then shrugs. “I’m trying to now. For the sake of this little bean.”

Sorrow weighs heavily in his bones. “You know if I could bring him back. If I had an ounce of an idea to do so-“

“I know, I know. I do.” She sighs tiredly, leaning further back, her eyes suddenly exhausted. “It’s going to take a long time to process this. For everyone. And yeah. I miss him so fucking much, Steve, it hurts to even breathe. But, I don’t think you failed me. I don’t think anyone thinks you failed them.”

Steve wants to believe her so much, but he’s always going to feel his guilt for failing her and Bucky specifically. “I still think I did.” He mutters bitterly.

“Yeah well,” Ana sniffs, wiping her sleeve over her eyes and nose. “As Rocket as said, there’s a lot of that going around, huh? I think we’re all just wallowing in our own personal feelings of self-failure.”

Steve suddenly thinks of Thor, and how he took off in the middle of the night, now word or warning. His heart aches. “I guess so. Little guy seems to have taken a liking to you though. Not as many sarcastic comments.”

Smiling as if she’s proud, she says, “It’s only because I let him clean Bucky’s gun.”

He doubts that. Secretly he thinks Ana may remind Rocket of someone he lost. “Listen. It’s getting late and I stressed you out enough with my emotional turmoil. I’ll let you get some sleep.”

“I literally threw you into a wall earlier, then bitch slapped you, so, we’re even.” She tells him as Steve helps her shimming around, adjusting pillows and pulling the covers down.

“Deal.” He agrees with a small chuckle. He rubs the top of her head, slightly musing up her hair. She glares at him. “Are you sure you’re feeling alright? You and the baby? I’m sorry about-“

“So many apologizes. Yes, I swear. We feel good. Just tired, is all.” Ana insists.

Steve nods, makes sure she’s as comfortable as can be before he makes his way to leave. Ana calling his name one more time turns him around. She looks inches away from sleep, her stomach supported by one of the thicker pillows, and she has what he knows to be Bucky’s pillow clutched to her chest.

“Thank you.” Ana murmurs.

“For what?” He questions, confused.

“For still looking after me. For being there.”

She doesn’t explain further as her eyes flutter shut. Steve however, as he gives her a smile she can’t see, knows exactly what Ana is thanking him for. His talk may not have gone the way he planned, and he still feels like there much more to converse, but Steve thinks they made some progress. He leans back against the door for a few moments, head tilted back as he stares up at the ceiling and the broken light bulbs.

“I’ll keep my promise to you, Buck.” Steve says quietly to the ceiling.

Once more, he recalls Bucky’s little slip up. “Please. I need to know they will-she.”

Bucky was asking Steve to take care of Ana, and their child.

“I swear, pal. They will both be taken care of.”

****************************************************************

A/N: This was a monster to write. Thank you for sticking with me. This story is definitely going to pick up pace in the next chapter and on. Please stay healthy and safe and inside. Don’t forget to wash your hands, especially after coughing or sneezing and stop hoarding the toilet paper!

Drabbles: Twenty-Two     Drabbles: Twenty-Four

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