#i don't mind btw. i've gotten a lot of supportive asks

[thefirstknife]

As a fellow archeologist I find your inability to consider opinions of others, patronizing attitude and lack of self-criticism very unprofessional and off-putting. And the way you constantly shit on other lore bloggers just shows me how you’re okay with bad mouthing and bringing others down. And how you felt totally fine to just shit on people’s tweets that have nothing to do you with you for your personal video content just show me that you prefer to destruct and not create. Shameful

Show me examples of me doing that though. Because as far as I'm aware, I reblog other people's opinions, accept corrections and also actively ask for people to correct me if I'm wrong. Can't talk about the patronising attitude because I guess that's a vibe some people get.

I'm definitely okay with bringing other people down when they spread objective misinformation and refuse to amend it. If someone posts incorrect information, I'll do my best to correct them in the nicest way possible depending on the context. If they continue to spread that misinformation despite multiple people correcting them, then they can be shat on publicly which is incidentally also how things work in the academia.

Some other lore bloggers are just bad, yeah. I'm not perfect, obviously, and I understand that some might not like how I do things, but at the very least I'm not straight up inventing lore and misinforming people. And if I make a mistake, I am more than willing to have people point it out. Sometimes people also just disagree about lore. It doesn't mean the person I disagree with is bad, I just disagree with their takes and usually believe they're not reading through the text correctly. I could be wrong of course.

I'll absolutely shit on BIG lore content creators who literally GET PAID to do what they do. They can handle it. It's their literal job to talk about Destiny lore. They should know better. With their large platforms, their opinions will be taken as fact even if they end up being wrong. They aren't perfect, but everything they say is immediately a fact and they rarely post corrections (if at all). They also tend to drown out other opinions because nobody will listen to what someone on tumblr wrote when Byf said otherwise. It's not productive and even Byf himself said that people should look for other sources and not just listen to him (for which I respect him a lot).

Not sure what my ranting about tweets with 70 views has to do with anything tho. If anything, I'm the clown who got mad about random people on twitter. If you have a rebuttal to any of my claims, feel free to let me know. This seems to be boiling down to basically tone policing and not allowing people to be mean sometimes. I personally don't see a problem with being mean sometimes, especially when people say bigoted stuff and just plain misinformation.

The majority of my complaints about the tweets and big lore content creators has been the fact that NONE of them covered the most important lore piece for this entire year of Destiny (Immolant) and people have therefore not read it and pretty much everything that people say wrong boils down to that gap in knowledge. I am still baffled that none of the big content creators covered Immolant. It's absolutely mind-boggling to me. They know it exists because they referenced it randomly a few times, but there hasn't been a full coverage. How can you ignore the biggest weblore drop? All other weblore has been covered. Bizarre.

Also, not sure what my field has to do with it, but since it's been mentioned, I have to note that like... Academia is full of people being mean to one another and tearing each other apart in papers and on academic presentations. I've read papers and I've been to those. Academic discourse chews people up. Write something wrong and submit it to a paper and watch as the peer review shreds your paper to pieces.

[freakygirlie]

Hi. Itk here. Believe me, don't, doesn't matter. Thought I'd drop (after you summoned ha) by given the chaos and try to enlighten the ones who choose to believe me, as much as I'm capable of.

The first thing I wanna say is: stop trying to figure out their relationship. You most likely never will. Fans are stuck on both extremes, when the actuality of it is far more in the middle (perhaps even up or down and all around ha). It's complex and strange and not at all "normal" (as normal as they could be, anyways).

It's not as simple as "oh they're just a closeted couple who engage in bearding and have kids and behind closed doors they're just a regular, old married couple and a big, happy rainbow family".

Doesn't sound like itk info, believe me, I get that but observing the fandom I'd say it almost is because most fans simply hang on extreme simplistic ideas of what their relationship is.

Second thing I'd like to say and unfortunately seems like it's not at all obvious but: do not believe anything they share publicly. Not saying they're lying compulsively, but they are public figures and they have a lot at stake to just casually drop the actual truth of any given situation.

Just don't. The same salt you have regarding itks, have towards them. It'd do you some good...Believe me. Unless you are involved in the entertainment or political life, you cannot even begin to fathom what it's really like, the level of manipulation, falsehood and well, overall deviation of it. It's quite disturbing tbh. So just always take whatever's said and shown with a good amount of salt. With public people hardly anything is accidental or casual.

I think the most prominent question now is...Why? Why would they do something like that? Regardless if you have the ingenuity to believe the little scene they made or not...Still, the question lingers.

With my level of "in the knowness" I cannot for sure say the real reason, yet from the pieces I've collected so far, seems to be a multiple gain scheme. It was a high risk, they were well aware, and it paid out in the way they were expecting, minus small bumps here and there. But overall it seemed to have worked in their favor. How in the hell, one would ask?

Believe me, I used my best sneaky capabilities to find out exactly why but they were smart enough to keep this one locked tight, minus a few loose lips. And from those all I've heard was that "whatever the purpose was, it worked out".

As weird as it may sound to the innocent mind, it's actually not at all, given that even leaked nudes are not at all leaked or accidental, and those tend to (at least in the past) get immense amount of backlash. It's not the first time famous folks fake a fight, surely won't be the last.

A lot goes into public image, it's not black and white as "well but it looked bad on Jensen", "it looked bad on the prequel", etc. You'd be surprised as how little this truly matters given the level of manipulation they are able to pull on the public. And well, even with them...It happens all the time. Both made mistakes far worse than just "not telling my bestie about my new project" and fans would eventually let that go and put them back on the pedestal.

So just remember, always: not in the industry? then don't judge anything because you simply do not understand how it works.

Another piece of itk information I can give besides "this was planned and it worked" is: they are fine. From what I've heard they are not fighting over it or going through anything more dramatic than what they usually have been going through ever since they met haha.

So just sit back and chill out. Breathe, read fanfiction and remember that we will never truly get answers, because even what comes out of their mouths are most of the time carefully thought out and directed to have a specific meaning and effect (why do you think Jared mumbles and rambles so much?).

Another interesting piece of itk: you know how they always say they never fight? Even though that sounds insanely hard to believe even if they were just friends because who knows someone for that long and is constantly together and never fights? Unlikely, right? Yes, as obvious as that was. But unfortunately a lot of you seem to believe that, given the level of shock you had for this little twitter feud (as fake as it was). Yeah. They fight. A lot.

They fight as much as individuals in their situation would. Like I said, not at all what most people absentmindedly seem to think it is. They go through a lot. Way more than anyone who isn't in a similar situation would understand. It's messy, although they try their best to make it simpler in the ways they can.

On top of being in a very complex situation, they both have strong personalities and one of them is quite hard to "pin down". So altercations happen a lot, but they know how to deal, and they are exceptionally good at making sure that doesn't interfere in their work (oh well, at least not any work that doesn't benefit from intense emotional exchanges, anyways 😉...chemistry isn't something random, you know? haha).

I find it quite...interesting (to put it nicely) that a lot of hats easily believe they are a couple that lies constantly about almost every aspect of their lives, yet, they cannot believe they would fake a social media narrative. It makes no sense whatsoever.

It'd do you all good to be a little less tendentious and look at them as, you know...Humans? They are not what they seem to be, just as you guys also take in different versions of yourselves in different situations, they do too. And don't be so hopelessly naive to actually believe they see fans as "hashtag family". This is their work. And as grateful as they are for supporters, they certainly do not consider them family. To the point of never lying and trusting you with their life.

I'm sure they love their fans, but come on, saying they would never lie because that's mean to fans is just beyond naive. They've been doing it all along and oh, another interesting info? They don't think they're doing anything wrong.

Yeah, sounds weird, you'd think they'd feel guilty. But again, unless you were media trained, you'd never get it.

From years now if there's one consistent info I've gotten was this: they don't feel obligated to tell you anything. They believe they are doing "what they are supposed to do, the right thing for everyone involved".

So. Yeah. And hell, they are right about not being obligated to say anything about anything, I guess.

Well, I hope that was helpful or at least entertaining. It's hard to share info without accidentally making it obvious who I am for the lurkers (sure you guys were well aware that they lurk around the fandom). But it's safe because as long as I don't provide evidence, I'm fine. Just walking a thin line between sharing and not sharing something too specific that would be easy fir them to know who has that info and although they can't do anything against itks, they can manage to cut us off somehow and I enjoy having access lol, so that'd be a bummer.

Anyways, take itks and J2 themselves with a ton of salt haha! You are lovely, btw, you seem very kind and I enjoy your blog very much! much love!

itk anon everything you said was <333 and i agree with like almost all of it. very nice analysis and ask thank you ! i don't always believe everything j2 put out but the whole stunt being a false narrative just seems wrong so idk what to make of it. regardless i myself can sometimes get carried away in my star-struck love of j2. and i am a tinhat so well :) and now they look to be really good and taking a break from here was well worth it <3

''You are lovely, btw, you seem very kind and I enjoy your blog very much! much love!'' i love u so much hope u have a great day !

[cherrybombfangirlwrites]

Happy Blorbo Blursday!! I’m returning your own ask to you: describe any of your oc’s (as many as you want, you know I love to hear it), what people’s first impression of them is, if they like the way they look, etc. Make it as detailed as you want <3

OOH! OK! Happy Blorbo Blursday btw :)

I'm gonna answer this with all of my The City is Ours main characters, because I've haven't talked about them and their appearances much yet.

Nickelle

I mentioned it in her mini bio on the WIP intro, but anyway, Nickelle is Japanese American. She's got short black hair (somewhere between shoulder length and chin length), dark eyes, and her family's skin tone is a little on the darker brown side. Her build is on the lean side, making her a really fast runner (though she doesn't really do sports).

Nickelle doesn't really mind how she looks now. She used to be really self conscious about it because of her judgmental extended family and people at school. But after meeting her best friend Gabby, who is a fashionista that also believes all bodies are beautiful and deserve love, Nickelle has found it easier to not be so self conscious of how she looks, and even embrace it and her style.

She's got this very punk and goth style. Her parents don't really mind as long as she can tone it down for when they meet extended family who would be less accepting of the style. That's why she doesn't get real piercings or tattoos, but she will get magnetic piercings and temporary tattoos instead. She does dye her hair, and just covers it with a black dye that will wash out for family gatherings. Her wardrobe usually consists of leather jackets (both black and other colors), Doc Martens, jeans, and typically a t-shirt of some obscure band. For concerts, she likes to wear neon colored dresses or skirts with lots of zippers, sometimes paired with fishnet stockings, and always Doc Martens.

Her hair has purple streaks most of the time, with the occasional blue and green streaks mixed in. Her makeup isn't more than eyeliner most of the time, except for on concert days. On the days she and her band have a concert, she goes all out with the makeup, including colorful eye-shadow, and usually a bright purple star on her cheek.

Asher

He's Latino with medium brown skin, and curly brown hair. He likes the way he looks, and so does his family. His build is leaner, but a little on the buffer side just because of genetics.

His style is very much soft nerdy gay boy vibes. He wears a TON of flannel, plus nerdy t-shirts with obscure references, and brightly colored high top sneakers. But because he spends a lot of time with his dad and uncles, he also knows how to do stuff like fix a car or build a cabinet very well- he gets his dad friend personality from them.

He doesn't have any piercings or tattoos or dyed hair, just because it's not for him (but if he did his family wouldn't mind).

He's very confident in how he looks now that he's gotten past all of the early teenage awkwardness, and a lot of the guys at school who like boys have crushes on him (and he makes a lot of "straight" guys question their sexuality/gender). He came out towards the middle of his senior year of high school to support a couple of boys who had been outed, and he's totally chill about it (anyone who tries to pick on him ends up getting the dad lecture and or questioning their sexuality).

Gabby

Gabby is the token straight, cis, abled, white girl who's super positive and supportive of everyone- regardless of their ethnicity, sexuality, gender, or physical/mental ability. She's a fashionista, and is that girl who will give you a pep talk after someone breaks up with you; will fight and scratch with her designer nails and use her heel on anyone who is an asshole; and will give you a makeover if you want it while enhancing what's there without taking away the things that make you beautiful (which is everything).

She's also that girl who thinks that capitalism and the beauty industry are the devil and that they should stop shaming fem presenting people for just existing in their bodies and putting a price on beauty- if you want some pretty lipstick she'll give you hers because you shouldn't have to pay money for a little tube of lipstick if it will make you feel a little bit more confident.

Her style is all glitter, ruffles, designer heels, designer nails, designer makeup, designer everything, and whatever clothes she wears are usually pink. She also doesn't wear a ton of makeup, just enough to make her feel confident on average days. She has long blonde curls that come to her knees, and wears them a million different ways- usually a ponytail or braid for school and loose curls or a fancy bun for a special occasion.

Gabby is very confident in how she looks no matter what. Even if she just rolled out of bed, her hair is a rats nest, and her eyes have bags- she still feels like a goddess. And if anyone judges how she looks, she'll either ignore them, or have a little chit-chat with them about their insecurities that they're projecting onto her.

Kylee

Kylee is a shy redhead. She has long red hair that almost reaches her waist, freckles, and wears glasses. She doesn't really care how she looks, as long as it will help her blend in enough to keep the attention away from her (social interaction is hard, and she gets sick of trying to non-verbally communicate with people, so it's easier for her to just avoid it altogether at school). Her fingers are usually covered in lead, chalk, or paint because she's an artist, and doesn't really bother to wash it off.

When it comes to her style, comfort is more important than anything else so she can avoid getting overstimulated at school. She wears a lot of sweaters, cardigans, soft knit t-shirts, leggings, sweatpants if she can get away with it- anything loose and soft. For school, she likes to wear a sweater with jeans and simple sneakers. She also likes overalls because she can put art supplies and fidget toys in that front pocket for easy access, but she doesn't wear them as much anymore to avoid being viewed as childish.

She rarely wears makeup, if at all, mostly because she doesn't like how it feels on her face, and it's a hassle all around to find shades that look good on her and that aren't irritating and all that- so she just doesn't wear makeup, it's easier. Her hair is usually in a braid or messy bun- anything that stays out of her face and will be less likely to get paint in it.

Like I said, she doesn't really care how she looks, as long as it's not drawing attention. When she meets Gabby, Gabby suggests giving her a makeover if she wants it. When Kylee explains why she doesn't like makeup, Gabby makes it her mission to find stuff that is comfortable and won't bug Kylee so she can give Kylee a makeover if she wants one. When she finds it, Kylee decides to let Gabby do her makeup this once, and actually likes it- not enough to try doing it everyday, but she does want to go to Gabby for a makeover for special occasions. Gabby is over the moon about this and they become good friends (and Gabby is a pro at using nonverbal communication).

Bryson

Bryson is a black, skaterboy, cishet (he's on very thin ice) guy. His black hair is longer, and curly. Most of the time he wears his hair in braids. He doesn't know for sure, but according to his dad he looks like his mom (who skipped town after he was born). Most of his style is the skater boy type. Shorts, headphones; kneepads, elbowpads, and helmet (because not wearing that stuff is asking for an injury to him); sneakers, and graphic t-shirts with skateboards and such on them. He doesn't mind how he looks at all, and when he dresses up for special events, he thinks he looks really great.

Vira "V"

They have a complicated relationship with how they look, as a nonbinary muslim. They want to look androgynous, but also wants to wear their culture's traditional clothing, and it's hard to find stuff that isn't all masculine or all feminine clothing, neither of which they feel comfortable dressing like. Plus society trying to force gender norms on them, people of their culture who are judgmental, and things like that make finding a style they feel comfortable and confident in is hard. Their immediate family, who understands and supports them, does what they can to help V find stuff they like. When Gabby meets them, she makes it her mission to find stuff that both fits and is accepted in their culture and that V will feel comfortable in. She does a lot a research, looks all over, and does some sewing when she can't find anything. V is grateful to her for that, and they have a good friendship because of it. They have a style that's mostly what jocks wear, especially at school because they're off to soccer games or practice a lot. Tons of sweatpants, sweatshirts, big loose t-shirts, sneakers, and anything that's athletic and easy to change in and out of. Plus those kinds of clothes are just comfy. And the style is completely normal for them because they're known for being a soccer jock that's always headed to the field.

Jason

Rich boy. That's it. He's a cishet, white, abled, rich asshole, and he acts like it. He's got wavy brown hair, blue eyes, all of it. He's very overconfident, especially about his looks, and he will use them to his advantage because he knows he can. His style is mostly suits, all designer clothing of the highest quality, and he will flaunt it whenever he can. He's good looking, and he's got this inflated vision of himself, thinking that's he's irresistible god to everyone. He's the dick that thinks he can change a girl's sexuality when she's not attracted to him because she's not attracted to guys (or she is attracted to guys, but not him). He throws a hissy fit when his attempts at charming his way to what he wants doesn't work.

Chase

He's American Romani, with a big nose, curly brown hair, and medium brown skin. He doesn't hate how he looks, but doesn't really mind either. He cares more about his equations, coding, and mechanical designs and whether or not they will work.

He has that nerd who just rolled out of bed and stayed up working all night style. He usually ends up wearing pajamas to school, with a hoodie and an energy drink in his hand (he can go through ten six packs of energy drinks in one night of superheroing or an all nighter study session, he's also the kid that can and will mix coffee with his energy drink). He's always carrying his laptop, a notebook full of his blueprints and equations for them, and has a pencil or two stuck in his hair. He's also the wizard kid that can do most math without a calculator. Chase is very much a Peter Parker type character in terms of clothing style and priorities. (Except for romance and that stuff, he's aromantic and pansexual.)

Thanks for the ask @friendlyneighborhood-writer / capricorn !

[acnelli]

Hey,

I wanted to ask if you've ever gotten an ask (not me) of a well thoughtout fic of any pairing? What would you say to motivate people to try and write their stories? When people give you an idea what typically goes through your head?

Theres so many ideas, plots and prompts to choose from and write but sometimes it gets difficult for some poeple to get that inner courage to post their work.

If you don't mind me asking, what made you finally hit submit on your work?

Also, i'm a Hp Romione fanfic writer, but I do struggle with trying to upload my work whether it's here on tumblr or on A03. I've gotten give or take about 7-8 semi finished WIPs, which are all based on different varieties of prompts/ideas.

Yet, I don't know how to move on to the submitting process which is like the finished stage of writing. I've tried joining the Romione discord but I always get nervous with the huge amount of people that are on the server, it's great don't get me wrong but it's a bit intimidating. When I say that I mean that there's so many amazing writers, and artist on the server, makes me feel like my writing isnt worth posting. I know it sounds pretty lame but I cant help feeling that way.

Sorry for rambling but I just had to ask you a few questions, don't feel obligated to answer quick. I'd like you to take your time with this.

Thanks for listening and also thank you for your fanfics, they make my day always

Hello anon,

first of all, thank you so much for your kind words. I'm happy you like my stories 💛

Now to answer your questions.

1) Aside from one a little more detailed, very smutty Romione time travel story idea, I never got an ask with a full outline of a story.

2) To anyone who wants to try and write, I'd say, please do. There is always someone who wants to read your story and if you like the idea, then someone else does too. Writing is usually not a skill you are just good at, but something that takes practice. If you read a lot of fanfiction, pay attention to the writing style and see what would work best for you until you find your own style.

3) I like prompt writing, so if someone gives me a prompt I play out different scenes in my head. The prompt shouldn't be too specific, but I don't mind working with something a little bit more detailed.

4) As for the courage to post your work: I posted my first fanfiction many years ago and I just had the desire to write down my idea. When I published it I didn't think much about it beforehand. I just posted it and was very surprised when I got reviews. The fic doesn't exist anymore, btw. Like I said before, practice makes perfect and I wasn't happy with it when I reread it. I also fell out of that fandom, so I wasn't very attached to it either. BUT this is how I got into writing and I just kept trying. For years I didn't write anything and I only started again in 2019.

I joined Tumblr and through Tumblr I found a bunch of very supportive fandom folks and sometime later I joined the HPRomione Discord. I understand your hesitation and worry considering the many talented writers in the server, but to me you couldn't find a more supportive group of people. Everyone is so helpful and as long as you respect and are considerate of people's boundaries (like smutty prompts, etc.), you are more than welcome to discuss fic ideas with us. And even if you don't want to discuss your writing, you can also talk about Romione in general, stories you read and enjoyed, and also non-fandom topics.

Don't be afraid to join and talk about your WIPs. Talking about story ideas is one of our favourite past times. As I said before, you'll find many helpful people there who would be happy to beta-read and/or go over your story idea and plot lines.

I hope my answer was helpful and if you have any more questions, send me another ask if you want 💛

Ask me anything for the 500 followers celebration!

[brookeolin]

TRIGGER WARNING/TW: emotional and physical abuse and violence

Hi! I've been paying attention to the stories of assault that have been shared by brave survivors over the past week... and years... Every time a movement to share revives, I consider talking about something I've been through... but usually by the time I feel like I can, I tell myself "it's too late, the moment passed". I am finally realizing that this mentality was a stupid way of silencing myself--and it's truly never too late to speak up.

I don't have a games industry person to call out. I'm sharing my story just to get it off my chest.

A couple years ago, in my late 20s, I was dating a guy named Mike. The relationship was pretty toxic from the start, but I was naiive as hell (yes you're still probably naiive about a lot of things in your late 20s btw) and thought his mean streak was sort of... refreshing? I fooled myself into thinking that I'd finally met a guy that would be honest with me about my flaws, and who would love me despite them. Because of this infatuation with a mean streak and the emotional highs and lows that come with it, I ignored all of the red flags. Some examples related to games: If we played a new game and had different opinions about it, mine were always wrong. If I tried to make an argument for my opinion, he'd accuse me of trying to make him feel stupid. My opinions were always invalidated without a discussion. We would play games together--he would tell me I was bad at it. He wouldn't even play the games I'd worked on, and told me he didn't like them. Everything I did or said was bad or wrong, but he'd always sugar-coat it and comfort me with encouragement that I could "do better". It was a rollercoaster of emotions every day. My self-esteem was so low that... I believed he was right. His gaslighting prevented me from seeing the reality of the situation--I was being emotionally abused, constantly.

Time flew by during this relationship. I was always either ecstatically happy or deeply depressed, and so I developed intense anxiety and panic attack problems. I would have a panic attack and would try to talk to him about it, and he would get mad at me or ignore me. The next day, he'd apologize and we'd make up. This happened more times than I can count. The relationship was so all over the place all the time that my emotional energy was always spent. I got too tired to talk to friends, and cut myself off from everyone without realizing it. I was also shipping a couple games at the time, and stopped working on them in the normal way... I didn't playtest, I didn't proofread, I just hacked things out as fast as possible so I could get back to putting out fires in my relationship. Every single disagreement about games or anything else was always turned back on me, and used to further belittle me.

Things continued to escalate with Mike, and maybe... a year into our relationship, one day, he was mad at me for arguing with him about... something. I was probably mad at him about rent--at this point, he was playing games all day and not working. I was paying for our entire existence, including rent, so we'd fight about that a lot. Anyways, we were fighting and it escalated and he started to hit me. He then shoved me onto the couch and started strangling me. I couldn't get him off. I was seriously at the limit of being conscious when I managed to pry him off of my neck, and then he hit me some more. That went on for a bit, until I managed to run out of the apartment. I wandered around in the streets for a while before coming home.

Guess what! Even after something like that, I stayed with him! People aren't kidding when they talk about how difficult it is for abuse victims to leave their abusers. Why? He convinced me that he beat me up because I pushed him to that point. He managed to manipulate me into believing it was my fault. Turns out, this kind of gaslighting is pretty typical in these abuse situations, but I didn't know that at the time and was... so traumatized and fucked up that I believed him. It took me almost another year, and more physical abuse, to finally leave. I almost died multiple times while dating this guy. On the last occaision, he strangled me again after slamming my head into the wall. He stopped strangling me at my breaking point again and started running towards the kitchen, saying something about a knife. I sprinted out the door with only a shirt and underwear on.

An old guy was closing up at a bar nearby and he let me in and called the cops. Of course, the cops weren't helpful--they stood there asking me "but how bad was it, really"... even asking me to rate my fucking beating on a scale of 1-10 while I was sobbing and covered in bruises. Eventually, they finished questioning me and taking pictures of my neck, and finally drove me home. We got there and they asked... "Do you want us to arrest him? You need to decide." These fuckers made me decide if I wanted my abusive boyfriend to go to jail, outside of my apartment, while I was shaking like a leaf, with no pants or shoes on. It was the lowest point of my life, by far. I was like... seriously in disbelief that they were asking me, the victim, to make this decision. Thankfully, I said yes, and he went to jail. I went back into my apartment, alone, surrounded by broken furniture. I called my mom and a friend. I'll never forget how strange it was to just lie there in my ruined apartment, not really knowing what to do. I went to the ER the next day and the nurses there told me they see girls like me in this condition every day, and they told me that a lot of those girls go home and it happens again and again. They asked me sincerely to never speak to Mike again, and I didn't. I have not seen him since. Oh, but I was still effected by the gaslighting so deeply that I gave money to a friend to bail him out of jail a couple days later, because I still felt like everything was somehow my fault. It was NOT my fault. He chose to violently assault me. That was his choice. It took me a long time to recognize that, because his gaslighting really effected me to my core. The power of abuse is truly incredible and horrific, and the power an abuser has remains even after they are gone.

I was was lucky to come out this alive and on my feet. I am no longer in that relationship--I am safe and happy. As lucky as I've been to come this far, I've been through some very real PTSD since then, and still struggle with the physical and financial repercussions of my assault to this day. Things have gotten a lot better though, so I thought it'd be a good time to share this with folks.

I hope that anyone out there who is also a domestic abuse victim can see that they're not alone, and that they can get out of the situation... hopefully faster than I did. I can't advise anyone personally--I'm a victim, not a professional. However, I can promise you, if you're a survivor/victim of domestic abuse, that there's hope. You can get your life together, as impossible as it might seem--I am living proof of it. Trusted friends, therapy and local domestic abuse centers are incredibly helpful. I have personally literally used all of these methods to help with my own situation, when it was at its worst. There is no shame in asking for help.

If you're not a victim, or don't personally know anyone who is... I hope that you might now recognize that domestic abuse is a very real and pervasive thing. It doesn't happen to one specific kind of person--it can really happen to anyone, and often for long, drawn out periods of time. Relationships are complicated things that can be incredibly difficult to get out of, especially when abuse (emotional and/or physical) is happening. Please keep this in mind, watch out for your family and friends, and support victims as much as humanly possible.

-Nina Freeman

[toycarousel]

Is it weird that when I come to a really hard part in my life and I keep thinking about asking you? I think once a year i've been in your ask box trying to get advice. My partner is severely depressed to the point where he seriously talks about killing himself nearly every other day. Its been almost a year and its just getting harder and harder to handle emotionally. He's terrified of being put in a psych ward from pas experience. I don't know what to do. I love him and he needs me but it hurts.

Hi, Anon! I don’t think it’s weird at all, not to worry~! It’s perfectly fine to ask me for help, and to talk to me whenever you want to! I just can’t give, like professional answers (since I’m not a professional) and I just offer advice/help casually when I’m able to, which can often be reeeeeeally delayed, especially when I’m off my meds and such – executive dysfunction is a huge problem for me, so during emergency events, definitely contact a distress centre before talking to me, as I won’t be able to get to time-sensitive asks promptly, and I certainly don’t want you to be stuck waiting for me! :’O

That being said, I am always open to sharing my perspective, any resources I can find, and basically any help I can potentially offer, so it’s always okay to message me – sending multiple asks is totally fine too – if you want to hear my take on things!

Wrt what you’ve shared with me here, I want you to know that it’s okay to be open about the pain that you’re going through as well, and to reach out to people for help! I know there’s a lot of pressure on folks to, like, forego their own health and safety when a loved one is struggling, but that’s never something that you have to do – in fact, if you take care of yourself, seek help when you need it, and ask for the same support that you’ve been giving your loved one, you’ll end up being more effective in changing their life (as well as your own) for the better.  Too often, we feel like it’s our sole responsibility to find a solution to our loved ones’ incredibly serious emotional distress… but few of us are professionals in these areas, and even if we were, it’s terrifying and difficult to know what to do when someone very close to you is the one suffering.

It’s very hard, and very painful to see someone we love going through so much… and you’re not doing anything wrong by seeking to regulate the pain that you’re experiencing too, as a result! So I’m going to share some resources that are specifically for you, so you can find support for what you’re feeling and for coping and making decisions based on how this situation has affected you! Depending on what happens, you may end up having to make a truly hard choice.  It’s not healthy to stay with someone who doesn’t want to make changes to their life, while simultaneously causing you harm.  But I also know that it’s awful to feel like, if you need to take time for yourself, away from the person and the situation, that you could be responsible for anything bad happening.

You’re not responsible for someone else’s personal health – it’s important to support loved ones, and to do what you can for them, but sometimes there’s just.  A limit to how much we can actually do, you know? The other person needs to meet you halfway, and aim to care for themselves as well, even if they really, really don’t feel like it.  

When I started DBT, I was doing it for my mother, my brother, my brother’s partner at the time, and my big sister.  Basically, I was doing it for all the people around me, neglecting myself entirely, and because of that, it wasn’t working long-term.  It did, however, get me to take that first step and seek help when I didn’t feel I deserved it (and therefore wouldn’t have done it otherwise at that point in my life, in my own self-hatred), because I didn’t want to hurt others, but the therapy itself only started solidifying in my mind and truly working once I made the conscious desire to find reasons to live for myself – once I decided (and it oftentimes has to be a constant choice), to hold onto the life I have.  To build that life into something I could care about, instead of writing it – and myself – off entirely.

I know this is probably, like, the last thing you’d want to do, especially since your boyfriend has had awful experiences with psych wards, and ppl can often end up in a psych ward when this is done – but you may have to call for help for your boyfriend (if an emergency situation occurs, and you’re afraid he may take his life).  

All lives are worth saving, and your boyfriend deserves a chance at life, which is something he would no longer have if he committed suicide.  That’s just my perspective, though.  I’ve been in a place where I did have to call the police on someone that I knew would hate me for it, and I’ve been in a place where the cops have been called on me and I hated the caller for it.  You don’t necessarily have to call the police, specifically, btw; calling an ambulance is often just as effective, and possibly even better, because they’ll have life-sustaining equipment and a proper vehicle on them if your loved one has already done something that compromises their physical safety…

Remember though, I’m not a professional – it’s good to call ppl who are trained to know what to do in this situation (like a crisis centre) to ask them what steps you should take if an emergency like this occurs! I’ll link them below, along with the other resources for you, Anon! I’m worried for you, and I want you to be safe, and healthy, and regain some peace in life~

For you:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone/looking-after-yourself (this link is out of Australia, so the crisis lines here won’t necessarily be applicable, but the site itself – and this page specifically – goes through some steps as to how to look after yourself when you’re supporting someone else with depression).

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/jul/10/how-to-support-a-depressed-partner-while-maintaining-your-own-mental-health (this article is about spouses, and has a mixture of suggestions for maintaining your own health, but there are a couple important ones here – I personally think the paragraph “Don’t stop doing the things you love,” is crucial).

https://www.habitsforwellbeing.com/22-ways-practice-emotional-self-care-letting-go/ (emotional self-care tips~!)

http://www.upworthy.com/101-self-care-suggestions-for-when-it-all-feels-like-too-much (more psychological and emotional self-care suggestions – I feel like these ones are especially down to Earth, which is great!)

https://www.lessonsforlove.com/blog/taking-care-of-yourself/651-taking-care-of-yourself-emotionally (more emotional/psychological self-care tips, with a couple specified ideas that could be helpful~!)

https://teenhealthcare.org/blog/6-ways-to-take-care-of-yourself-on-social-media/ (I don’t know what your age is, or whether taking care of yourself on social media would help with your specific situation, but I thought I’d include this just as, like, something supplementary if your primary communication with support systems ends up having to be online, you know? A whole lot of mine are, and these are things I often have to remind myself of :’)

For both you and your boyfriend:

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/supporting-someone-who-feels-suicidal/how-to-help/#.WwRuktMvx-U (this site is out of the UK, so the crisis numbers here might not be relevant to where you live, but the site itself has some suggestions as to what you can do for someone who is suicidal).

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention.htm

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/ruby-fremon/depression-spouse_b_7557410.html (this is in reference to a spouse, but in reading it, I suspect it would be applicable to any close relationship!)

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/supporting-family-and-friends-with-a-mental-health-condition-(carers)/need-advice-to-cope-with-depressed-partner (more tips on maintaining a healthy relationship with someone who is depressed/suicidal).

http://codedredalert.tumblr.com/post/109005732295/helpline-masterlist (helpline masterpost for a wide variety of struggles!)

http://myresourcemasterlist.tumblr.com/suicide (more resources, including ones for suicide, and coping with your own intense/distressing emotions).

Wrt your boyfriend specifically, again, it’s totally understandable that he’s afraid to be placed in a psych ward, like, I personally get that (I’ve had nasty past experiences with those as well).  There are other ways to seek treatment though, like, through outpatient (but intensive) programs.  I have no idea what the options are where you two live, but I can dig up any resources online that I find that may be relevant, as well as anonymous crisis hotlines/chatlines, and self-help and self-soothing resources! They’re not a permanent measure, and unless a genuine effort is put into them, they should mainly be used by him to help make himself feel better in the moment.  Hopefully they can also give him some tools to start working with as it pertains to regaining the parts of his life (and life itself) that he’s lost interest in.

I’ll be linking a couple DBT skills specifically for the latter there.  While DBT skills are used more for people with BPD, the particular skills I’m linking are applicable to basically everyone – and especially people who are suicidal, depressed, and who want to build a life worth living.  Because I understand why people become suicidal (and up until recently, I was suicidal myself), and sometimes, especially depending on a person’s external circumstances (circumstances that are often completely outside of their control) it can feel like life has gotten so bad that it’s unsalvageable.  What I’ve found is that there is always something – even the tiniest thing – that is worth salvaging.  And from that tiny place, a person can spark an entire life, building on every small good thing until they can see that there really is a life out there, waiting for them.  They built it themselves.

For your boyfriend:

https://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/emotion_regulation1.html (these are some very straightforward worksheets for emotion regulation skills – they do essentially what they sound like they would, and they’re long-term skills that can become 2nd nature through practice~! It just makes handling all the painful emotions in life that we don’t always know how to pull ourselves out of).

http://www.anythingtostopthepain.com/dbt-skill-of-the-day-improve-the-moment-from-the-distress-tolerance-module/ (this is for distress tolerance – it’s the ‘IMPROVE’ skills specifically.  Not every part of the acronym will be applicable, but a few might help when it’s just an especially terrible day/night…)

https://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/dialectical-behavior-therapy/improve-the-moment-with-emotion-regulation-strategies (this explains the ‘IMPROVE’ skills in more detail).

https://www.7cups.com/forum/BorderlinePersonalityDisorderSupportCommunity_81/DBTSkilloftheWeek_1304/DBTSkilloftheWeekIMPROVEthemoment_76695/ (the ‘IMPROVE’ skills again, with specific suggestions as to practicing the skill! 7cups also offers free online chat-based help, so it can be a great place to vent, and potentially gather external resources!) 

https://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/using_self_soothe.html (crisis survival skills! These are especially important for incredibly bad moments – for when a crisis occurs and a person needs to be able to step back from particularly rough events/triggers that can really make it difficult to refrain from harming oneself in any way!!! I included this link because it looks like it has a few videos, which may be nicer than all this reading!)

http://creativityintherapy.com/2016/05/create-a-sensory-self-soothing-kit/ (how to create a self-soothing kit – this link could be helpful for you as well, Anon~!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBopCkdBwsk (I really, really think this video could be helpful.  The speaker explains why these skills are used, and how to create plans/backup plans based on these skills.  It’s about building the life you want, but also acknowledging how much pain you’ve been through, and how to healthily ‘Distract’ oneself during a crisis!!!)

So, I know that was a LOT to read~!!!! I hope that some of these resources and perspectives can be helpful.  And Anon, I just want to reiterate that I believe you’re a good person, and a good partner! You clearly care about your boyfriend deeply.  Needing to have time for yourself, and taking care of yourself are not things that make a person selfish – they strengthen you, and you deserve happiness and peace in life~

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia! Hope you don't mind if I ask you a question... Both of the fandom I'm in I've been in for awhile and I love them but I've gotten kind of burnt out on them... I used to write fics and be really involved but I can't anymore because the fandom have started to make me hate everything about it, especially my fave ships :( I want to get involved again but I'm scared and don't know how... What did you do to help comfortable to stay writing again for rotg?

Hiya anon!

You might not like my response, so I’m going to give you two responses lol.

Response one:

I dealt with toxic shit in the RotG fandom by leaving the RotG fandom. I finished out my stories (at the time finishing ISWF was really hard, and there was covert harrassment in the tags re: what I wrote), and I unfollowed most people connected to the fandom or who were reblogging stuff to do with the fandom, and I stopped reading fanfiction connected to it, and I took like...god, about a year and a half off.

In that time I wrote two RotG stories without re-engaging with the source material or reading any RotG fics. I didn’t tag surf, I didn’t discuss meta with anyone else, and I usually knocked back requests to engage in the fandom again. The only RotG thing I’d engage on, was SAL. 

I didn’t do it to cope with the fandom, I did it because I was thoroughly over the fandom and its bullshit. There were a lot of folks at the time who wrote the majority of the early, popular fics who actually all checked out at that time (or over the following six months), and almost no one has come back. The drama was just too blech, and even a year and a half ago / two years ago, people talked about like...how ‘dead’ the fandom was. People moved onto other things.

So, this is probably not what you were expecting. As a coping mechanism, if I based any advice off that, it would be ‘leave the fandom and stop writing your fic until you want to write it again.’

When I came back to RotG it was because I really wanted to, but in order to avoid drama, I still don’t follow many RotG blogs and I don’t tag surf except on the rare occasion.

Response two:

So let me talk about another fandom that I came to mostly despise and yet still wanted to keep writing a really long fic. And that’s the Dragon Age fandom. *takes a deep breath, sighs it out.*

When I started writing Stuck on the Puzzle I began to follow fandom blogs and meta blogs and I think all in all I was following about 20. Dragon Age, at least when I was writing SotP was filled with tons of callout posts - often very aggressive and based on dogpiling and outrage culture. No one was free from this, regardless of what they were doing, and the character I was writing (Cullen Rutherford) drew a great deal of ire from people I respected. I didn’t like blind Cullen love, which often meant I was dealing with blind Cullen hatred. Or alternatively fans who sought to ‘prove’ that they could be Cullen critical to the popular, dogpiling crew of the time.

The push to guilt-trip readers for not commenting has a huge piece of heartwood in this fandom too. So there was just aggression everywhere. The readers weren’t good enough. The writers weren’t good enough or writing the right themes or doing them well enough. (It’s incredibly crushing, btw to keep writing in this environment). If writers quit it was the reader’s fault, or Tumblr’s fault. If readers quit it was the fault of the writers, or Tumblr. Basically everything was always someone else’s fault and people didn’t really own their shit. This was the place where I got introduced to like, preliminary purity and anti culture before the words ‘purity’ and ‘anti’ became words.

So here’s what I did:

- I unfollowed everyone except about 2 people in the DA fandom on Tumblr. Yes, this meant dropping a lot of people, even people I really liked. If they supported the drama, they were out. - I stopped tag surfing everything except my incredibly rarepair. - I went back through my DA tag and specifically looked at artwork and all the things I’d come to love that inspired me to write the thing in the first place. - I re-engaged with the source material.

In other words, I dropped out of fandom while still producing a fanwork. It was the best thing I decided to do. It was never really the meta and shit that inspired me the most anyway. It was always the source material and my interacting with that. And it was maybe a few pieces of fanart. Otherwise, everything came from my brain anyway, and I didn’t need anything else. I certainly didn’t need the drama, and getting the occasional awesome piece of fanart floating across my dash wasn’t worth everything else happening.

And those two/three people I kept around still posted awesome fanart and stuff from time to time anyway. Also they’re awesome people.

But yeah, I never stayed comfortable writing for RotG. In fact, for a while, I hated it. I’d been really hurt by certain things within the fandom, and the drama hit too close to home, and I decided it wasn’t worth it. It’s fine to do that by the way, you’ll find another fandom eventually (I found many), and if you’re meant to find your way back to the fandom, you will.

If you really want to stay in the fandom though, I do recommend some pretty drastic actions to stay in it. Fandom drives a lot of fanwork/content producers away sometimes.

Also, additionally, it’s just normal to kind of not want anything to do with a ship or a fandom for a while? Even if you love it? Burn out is normal, and may just signify that you need something from a fandom that your current fandom / ships aren’t giving you. Being in that space between one fandom and another kind of sucks, but it may be worth using this time to like...explore other things you love, watch some new shows and movies, read some new books, and remember the joy of what it is to engage in the source material in the first place. I wish you luck!

[mem-en-to]

I just have to post this somewhere. If you do read it please don't reply or anything to alert me that you do. I just have to assure myself of my existence. If you do I might just can't stand it.

It's getting worse

I don't know if this will be a one time thing or what

It might be the stress of starting the second week of university

or that I fucked up the dorm's microwave 3 days ago and still feel guilty and stress (since then I've been making so many mistake I drop the alcohol bottle(broke it), drop a glass of water(luckily it's a plastic glass), spilled the milk on the desk, spilled the smoothie next to the fridge, dropped the clean towel on the balcony(result in having to wash it), tripped and drop some clean cottonbuds(such a waste!), tripped on the way to the bathroom at 2 am and woke the neighbors up on a schoolday)

or even home sick from being away for a week now

or because I was staying inside after graduated and then the covid situation that make me(I chose)stay inside the house for more than 3 months straight(well, I did go outside like once every other week or sth, but I would always go with someone, mom or dad)

I've been dreading going outside since yesterday

I estimated how many food I have left and feel bad(no not bad as in guilty) about having to go out and buy more

I even considered skip some meals and ration what I have left so I could put away going out for even just 1 more day

And I did, I skip breakfast and ration the food

I ate a bit less so I could scrap all the left over for just one more meal

The thought of going outside turned my stomach and I feel tight in my chest

it made me feel.. disgust and a bit of fear? มวนท้อง แหยงๆ อึดอัดตรงหน้าอก

I'm not sure how to describe it how or why

I don't think its talking to people that make me feel this way

I think its just go outside in general? being seen maybe?

I normally would dread going outside for a bit but have no problem in doing it

I would just need some times to come to realisation that I have to(or about to)go outside

Like, if mom just ask me inthe morning if I want to go out this afternoon. My answer is NO. There's no bargaining, except if it is ABSOLUTELY IMPORTANT.

But If she asked me, do you want to come with me tmr? That'll be fine, I might say yes(but I say no more often)

I would have a kind of panic-y thougt and feeling a bit scared before actually going out, like while I was preparing(dress, grab things stuff like that) that is normal

Today it took me almost half an hour after I'm ready to gather courage and actually step out of my room

In that 30 minutes I kept checking again and again of what I have to buy and did I have my all things?(phone checked. wallet checked. mask checked. etc) What about my clothes?(check the mirror) Did I brushed my hair?(proceed to brush it the 4th time)

All the while I also pacing and kept on checking the window for the restaurant near mydorm

It's to see if there're many customers, if there are I would wait a bit more because I don't want to stand around waiting and making awkward glance, an awkward conversation would be better come to think of it.

There. It's not the talking that I'm scared of.

After I got outside I would feel.. tense? anxious? or maybe paranoid or something of that nature I'm not sure

But the feeling would go away soon, often around the time I reach my destination or when I'm doing my task(like choosing btw different brand of groceries or the like)

It's still good, this time

The feeling went away as I was walking around the shop but come back as soon as I got in line, paid and walking out of the shop, which is fine that's also normal

I also have to stop at the restaurant on the next block, I decided to eat there and have a take away for dinner

I chose to eat there because that would mean less plastic you know? doing what I can to help with global warming

Even though the thought of sitting there was a bit.. sick It was fine while I was eating

Because I was doing my task(things)?

But the moment I turned away with a bag of food and my groceries in hand the feeling started to crawl up my spine and tried to curl up in my stomach again

But It's okay I didn't let it

My dorm was right there I could see it

Only a bit further and I'll be safe inside my dorm

But Nooooo

The feeling cling to me

I push it down and didn't let it settle in

My heart was still thudding in my chest even after I got inside my room

I put my things away. stored the food. changed clothes while checking if I breathed normally or not(I did, breated normally I mean or at least I think I did, despite what most people think some of us do research about thingss like this even if or when we haven't been diagnosed as having something plus I did hyperventilated/had panic attacked before or, I think it was)

But after that my heart still wouldn't return to normal and my head is a bit light and spinny still(At first I thought it was the 3 flight of stairs I have to climb but it should have gone by now, I know, not an athletic person)

That was when I realise that there something different, something wrong this time

The nagging feeling I have had since I walked outside is this

I'm more worried and scared this time

There is something wrong

I don't know what to do so I typed this down

Normally It would help make me feel better

And It did, my heart stop beating fast and weird halfway through this

Like my other notes I didn't care much about the grammar or whatever, after all the purpose is to make myself feel better

All right a bit more on this notes

After I finished this I wnt and google 'scared of going outside'

I don't think it agoraphobia or sad that I have although I do have some of the symptomps. I mean I might have one of it but from what I read I don't exactly match with some of both, I'm not scared of crowd(sad) in fact being in crowds make me feel better, the more people the better cuz that mean the less would be looking at me

And I'm not scared of open space(agora) I'm okay with parking lots and I'm not scared of being left alone(agora)

Being with some one I trust would definitely help(contradict with sad but agree with agora)

I'm not scared of public place(sad), Library is one of my sanctuary once I settled in on the new one that's it, Everyone is minding their own business, I could tuck myself btw some old textbook shelves no one would come search and read in silent, peace. Or I could go to the working space, sit on the sofa or choose one of the table and no one would care even if I have 3 thick books with me and sit there for 3 hours straight. I could even strike up some friendly and relatively non-awkward conversation with the librarian on the counter when I checked out some books, there, social requirement of the day complete. Those days that I could do this is so peaceful, I was happy.

Sadly, I had gone to Uni library only once and checked out a book, I still feel a bit uncomfortable to go there, but the feeling of contenment when I get inside would be worth it. Just. Not today. Or tmr, we got a day off for mother day and I might go home with my siblings and come back to next week on Monday or sth. (We have classes online bc of covid)

And after the mini research I feel a dizzy spell hit me

It left me reeling for a few mins before I returned normal

It could be because i stand up too fast or it could be the information in my head that's there something wrong

I don't want to have it, sad, agora or whatever

My self confident/self esttem is shit enough

I can't satnd it if i know there sth more wrong with me

I can't be more of a burden to my parents

I want to make them proud I have to

I choose this path and I know they don't hate it, they even support me on choosing to study art instead of the cliche doctor or engineer(which I hate but is my dad's life I feel so fucking bad I should have like it, I should be better at it and follow his footsteps, but I already made my choice, sometimes I regret it but even if I could go back I wouldn't change it, I can't At least I probably could be a teacher like him, teach younger people, support them I love him, and I hate him I love that he isn't just a good father, he's a good person, a good friend, a good teacher, a good brother, a good son, he's so great I don't deserved him, not me, not my mom, not my brother, not his parents, not his siblings, not that univerity And I hate him, he's always at work when I was younger, came home at 8or9 almost everyday but I also love him because despite that he still tried to make some time for us I hate him because when he started to have less works and came home earlier it's when me and my brother are growing up wanting to stay out and spend time with our friends(I hate myself) I hate him because he's so great, has been since he's young, he's so intelligent and diligent he studied hard and he got scholarship in uni to US And that was 40 years ago how impressive is that? And after he came back with straight A every uni want him but he choose that Uni because they supported him when he needed it and he chose to stay instead of go to better uni purely bacause he's a good person he feels grateful and want to repay the uni, which has shit government I hate it I hate them, there's a few years he's so stress because he has to go to the court several times on several cases and could go to jail because of those peice of shits I fucking hate them If he choose to change uni our lifes would be different I wouldn't grow up there, I wouldn't have friends that I have, I wouldn't be the person I am today and I can't blame him for choosing this. I hate him because no matter what or how much I tried I couldn't achieve half of what he has done and still doing(I hate myself I'm a disappointment) I could have gotten A or at least B+ if I studied more on math, science and sociology, but I didn't. I could have beautiful skin and thin figure if I take care of myself more, exercise more, but I didn't. I could have spend less money on books and those trinkets and save a lot of money, but I didn't, I could have make more friends and get in with the better connection and reputation clique if I conceal some part of myself and pretend a bit more, but I didn't. I could have better resume if I'm brave enough to participate in those tournament and those candidates for manythings, but I didn't. I could have been a better person, a better friend, a better student, a better daughter, but I wasn't[I couldn't be] I hate myself I don't matter I'm a disappointment)

I fucking hate crying, It never help with anything except wasting evenmore time and make my head hurt make my throat hurt of how I hold my noise in and make my eyes hurt and everything's blurry and wet.

I just broke down and typed those long ass paragraph with tears for an hour straigh. such a waste of time I should have done some exercise instead. And now I feel like shit. I know I could still do it but I also know that I won't. I would save this note, re-read it again and again maybe add sth along the way and when it's getting late I would jusst take a shower and goto bed.

At least I've lost my appetite, no dinner mean less calories I take today, skipped breakfast AND dinner? At least that compensate for today exercise(maybe) But I also know that garigarikun in the freeze will disappear into my stomach before bed. I'm such a little shit. I'm ashame of myself.

you know what I could waste a bit more time. Typing this some how remind me of the time I have an argument with my parents in highschool(or was it middle school? the memory's fuzzy)and I had panic attack or at least hyperveintilated afterward. I can't remember exactly what started the argument but I remembered that that day I was having a bad day(worse than normal) the bullying that day was worse I don't know how I acted I just remembered yelling at my father who's stress from long day at work and the court problem, we were yelling(or at least I am) and I did what I usually do. I ran, to the bedroom. I don't(never)want to have a fight with my family. He didn't follow me this time. My mom did. She came talk to me, half soothing half scolding. Saying I shouldn't have yell, I was hurting him by behave like this and after he's tired from work too. She's basically tried to make amend. But in my head at the time she was calling out on my bullshit. Saying I'm being unreasonable. I know that some of what she said is true and I don't want to fight so I tried talking, I said something like you don't understand me, And I tried using some difficult words and lines that could be seen in dramas and such to make her understand. I poured my heart out I even consider revealing the real extent of the bullying. But you know what she said? She said I read too many fictions and watch too many movies and I'm being too emotional I should stop this nonsense right now. I still could recall the feeling when she finished and it get in my head. It's not the ice bucket being pour over me. It's not the fire of rage running through my viens. It's not an arrow straight through my heart, a stab at the chest, or a feeling crawl up myspine. It's blank. blank. blank. blank, blank,blank,blank,blank,blakn,blank,blank, I feel so, so empty. It's just how I used my words, how I tried to make her understand. And this is what I got? I remembered stop talking and stuffed my face on a pillow. She's speaking a few more things but I didn't listen. I couldn't. I was breathing so hard but I think she think i was crying so she patted my back and left. I was old enough to know that's something's wrong I wasn't breating normally even for someone who's crying but at the time I still didn't know what panic attack/hyperveintilated is. I just know there's sth wrong, but I ignore it, I was hurt. I was in pain my chest is so tight(at the time I thought it's because of the pain I was feeling later I learned that it's the combination of that and the pa/h I was having) My thought kept circling around the words she said, I'm being dramatic and such. At least after that I don't want to argue anymore. I came back to myself and got out of the room, more than half an hour later. (Times didn't only flies when you're having a good time huh?, I remembered thinking that)

I think the being emotional/dramatic bit really got me. I can't help it. it's how I'm expressing myself. So what if it looking I was writing some fiction/ fake the words to make it mmore dramatic? That's how I feel.

A breakdown and an empty moment recalling in a day? that's a new record. Normally It would be one at a time and not this soon after one another. Guess I'm really stressed out. I even consider calling some emergencies depression lines but after reading some review saying it's shit I decided not to. I would be in the way of those who really do need it(I'm such a failure) and I'm not good at talking anyways, just look at how tragic it turned out to be each time I do.