#i don't talk about it much because this is triggering BUT. still important regardless of if it's a trigger for me

[embrosegraves]

ℍ𝕖𝕒𝕝𝕖𝕕 𝕆𝕧𝕖𝕣

(request) Fernando Alonso x Fem!Reader Starting a committed relationship means telling all of your deepest secrets

Warnings: Mentions of negative mental health, mentions of abu$e, mentions of su!cide, talks of selfh4rm. I am begging you, don't read this if the topics discussed may trigger you

Note: I've never gone through anything like this myself so, with permission, I have based a little bit of the story on a very close friend of mine. It's not exact obviously, but there are elements of a real experience.

You hadn’t been dating Fernando for very long. Just barely 3 months. It still felt like a very new relationship, even if people said otherwise. It had been enough time to realise that you might genuinely love him. He never pressured you, he never made you feel less than, and he always made sure to tell you that you were enough. Sure it was the bare minimum, but it was always nice to know people could be like that. 

However, the fact was that you were scared to love him fully. You had almost sworn off dating completely because of your last partner. Your ex had made you feel so unworthy of everything. He had almost convinced you that he was the only person who would ever love you. Almost. Thankfully you had an amazing support system in your friends and most of your family. They had helped you get out of a horrible situation and they were with you the entire time, helping you recover from the trauma you had experienced. 

When Fernando had told you he was serious about dating you, you had said to him that it would be a long while before you went further than kissing and holding hands. Like a true gentleman, Fernando had told you that he completely understood that some things would take time, but he was willing to wait for however long it took for you to be comfortable. Which is why today was so important for you. 

“I’m nervous to show him, Y/f/n. What if he runs off after seeing it?” You had called your best friend, who was basically like your sister, trying to get rid of the rest of your nerves and anxiety. 

“Babe, I’ve seen how he treats and looks at you. He won’t run off and you’ll be okay.” She said, “You’re so brave and incredibly beautiful and he will see that regardless of your skin and scars. I promise if he hasn’t said ‘I love you’ before, he definitely will after this.” 

You scoffed. “Thank you but I doubt it. Once he sees he’s going to run for the hills.” 

“Who’s running for the hills?” 

You jerked your head around and saw Fernando walking through the door. You quickly said goodbye to your friend who wished you luck, and hung up the phone. You turned your body so that you were fully facing Fernando. Thankfully he could understand that this was going to be a serious conversation, so he gingerly sat next to you and took a hold of your hands. 

“I need to tell you something important.” You said, keeping your eyes firmly on the space of blanket between you. His thumbs started rubbing circles over your knuckles, bringing you some comfort. 

“I don’t need to know if you’re not ready to tell me.” He said softly. 

“No. You need to know this.” You took a deep breath before you launched into your explanation. It was now or never. 

“When I was in my early 20s, I was dating this guy. He was my first serious relationship that I’d ever had and for a time I thought he was going to be my future. I didn’t realise it at the time but he was very isolating, and controlling. There were times where he would scare me and laugh when I’d cry. He wouldn’t always, but he would often tell me that he was the only person who could ever love me, and for a time I believed him.” You didn’t want to count the amount of times your voice had already cracked. 

“It really took a toll on me. So much that in the last few months of that relationship, I started to hurt myself. Because part of me thought he was right. When he found out what I was doing, he started to- He started-” 

Fernando wiped a tear from your face. When had you started crying? 

Taking in another big breath, you continued. “He started to hurt me as well. He would press on them while they were fresh and he would bruise me to see the colours. If my brother hadn’t walked in, I probably would’ve taken my life.” You finally looked at Fernando’s face and saw that he had begun crying too. Lifting one of your hands you wiped his gathering tears. 

“I decided that if our relationship is going to go further, then you need to see what I did to myself.” 

You slowly stood up, taking your hands from his, and began to shimmy your trousers down until they were pooled at your feet. You kept undressing before you could chicken out. You took your cardigan off and your shirt followed soon after. Standing there, in front of Fernando in just your undergarments, your scars were on full display. The scars on your thighs and stomach had been healed over for many years now but they still looked just as angry as the day they appeared. You had to force your arms to stay at your sides instead of curling around your stomach like they wanted to. You tried your best not to flinch when Fernando brought his hands up to gently trace them with his fingers.

Fernando looked up at you from where he was still sitting. He looked at every inch of your face and he saw just how broken you were. His heart hurt just thinking about all the abuse you were put through. He took hold of your hands again and slowly dragged you closer to him, giving you plenty of time to back away if you wanted to. 

When you stood directly in front of him, he wrapped his arms gently around the back of your thighs and laid his head to rest on your stomach. Your hands were on his shoulders. 

“You don’t know how incredibly strong you are, Mi Vida. You are so, so strong and I’m so lucky to be with you now.” 

By now the both of you had tears streaming down your faces. Neither of you bothered enough to wipe them off. You were terrified of how your relationship was going to continue, if it was continuing at all. 

You felt Fernando leave soft kisses just over your scars, as if he was afraid to hurt you by pressing more firmly. Quiet sobs broke their way past your lips. Your grip on his shoulders tightened just a bit. 

“Please don’t leave.” You whispered, voice heavy with emotion. Fernando loosened his grip and stood up to cup your face in his hands. You brought your own hands to rest on his wrists as he held you. 

“There is not a single thing about you that would make me leave.” His thumb brushed a stray tear away. “I love you more than I can say.” 

Hearing his words, you closed your eyes and began sobbing harder. Your arms wrapped tightly around his waist as you buried your head into his chest. Fernando hugged you close to him and gently caressed the back of your head. 

“Thank you for being brave enough to tell me.”

I hope you enjoyed reading this! I tried my best to write this in a way that was both a little detailed but also very vague so let me know how I did!

as always, likes, replies and reblogs are always appreciated <3

[starbunii]

Sorry if this is a personal request but!! Can I get Venti, Scara, and Gorou with a S/O who has heavy triggers to alcohol/the smell and stuff bc of a parent who was always drunk so they had to be the parent in the house? Not like abusive or anyth but just always drunk and emotionally distressing to see

No worries if you don't wanna take this, ty for reading! 💕

. fear of alcohol 𓂃 ♥︎

𝜗𝜚 ┈ venti, scara, and gorou x reader (seperate) ! ｡

notes: idm taking this at all! i feel very honored that you came to my writing for this kind of comfort. that means very much to me. i hope you're ok and in a safer place now, anon. if not, it's ok. everything will get better; i promise you <3

headcanons ノ fluff/angst (?) ノgn! reader ノcanon universe

second person pov !! please enjoy! ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶

-- ♡ --

venti

now, we're all well aware of his drinking habits. it's a fun past time for him, and it helps him relax

one night, he tried to drink around you, and was admittedly very surprised when you didn't want to

the two of you were practically attached to the hip, you two did everything together! so...why was this any different?

once you explained everything to him, he immediately understood and put the alcohol away and makes a fun soda/cider kind of drink instead!

over time, he starts drinking a lot less. on the odd occasion that he does get drunk, he just lets you know and stays kind of far away (he'll miss you greatly, but your comfort is safety is far more important to him)

will come to you the next day, hung over and clingy, but most of all; so happy to see you

scaramouche

he only really drinks as a sign of politeness, but nothing too crazy

he hates the taste and gets 0 enjoyment off being drunk. him coming home wasted isn't something you have to worry about

however, if you're at a place like a party or a festival, where there's a large collection of drunk people, he'll immediately whisk you away and take you somewhere else; wherever you want to go

if you two go back home, he'll immediately start to pamper you. he wants you to remember that you don't owe him anything. that you aren't a child stuck as a parent

he knows you weren't exactly abused or anything, but he's still careful with his touches regardless, only wanting you to be comfortable

expect gentle massages and light kisses. he'll praise you on how well you're doing, no matter if you're freaking out, or if you're just calm

gorou

similar to scara, gorou only drinks for polite reasons, or if there's something to celebrate. he never goes too far

however, if he does get drunk, he might get a tad bit clingier. not to the point where he's totally helpless; just more affectionate

if you need him to step away because you're getting upset, he'll do so with no complaints. he knows your boundaries need to be respected

will 100% show up with a bouquet and a box of candies the next day as an apology, even if he didn't exactly do anything wrong

gorou would probably stay the night with a buddy to make sure you don't end up triggered or scared. the last thing he wants is for you to be unsettled because of him or something he did

listens if you need to just vent and talk abt it. he understands that what you went through was traumatic, and that seeing someone you love in that very same state must hurt you to a degree. he'll just hold you and comfort you, providing all you need <3

starbunii 2024 — all rights reserved. do not redistribute or translate to any other platforms

[laundryandtaxes]

I think it's bizarre to believe that one approach to any problem (especially problems we know to be partly biologically mediated or constituted and partly socially mediated or constituted) is likely to universally fit every single person impacted by that problem. And I think there are many situations that have revealed that plenty of people really do prefer magical thinking and lack of any scientific knowledge if they are able to garner some hope from a perspective that is based entirely or mostly in magical thinking. I don't even think this is necessarily a problem, or at least a solvable one- it's essential, as I see it, to the continued existence of religion in humanity, which even I cannot claim has never done any good for any person or for people as a group. So long as this tendency doesn't win out on a large scale as a meaningful approach to problem solving, I don't exactly think it's a threat to humanity.

One of the most interesting examples to me, largely due to my work background and the prevalence of alcohol abuse within restaurant workers, is how absolutely vitroilic a lot of abstinence-only recovering alcoholics become when they make any contact at all with individuals who are trying to lower but not eliminate their alcohol consumption, especially in a systematic and controlled way. It is not just that they claim it is irresponsible to promote programs other than abstinence-only programs to active alcoholics (and even that I find nonsensical- less alcohol is almost always better than more alcohol, because we know for a fact that a lot of the negative health outcomes from alcoholism are a direct result of too much alcohol itself, regardless of whether it was consumed alone at night or while binge drinking at parties, which tells us that the obviously important social element itself does not mediate the biological damage) but that they often claim that it is universally the case that someone who finds themself problem drinking will only ever become more of a problem drinker until they quit entirely. The reason this is so especially striking to me is that it is so obviously and easily proven untrue by experiences which many people have outside of the bubble provided by abstinence programs. It is simply not the case that every individual who drinks more than they're comfortable with during a certain time period is destined to develop cirrhosis if they don't put down alcohol forever, and most people know several individuals whose alcohol use patterns obviously disprove that theory. Almost everyone who drinks knows someone who drank too much for their own personal comfort at one point and had to reel their consumption back in. But, of course, when most people know that someone is an alcoholic, they limit how often they talk about alcohol or their consumption of it out of respect or a desire not to trigger that person into craving alcohol, and the end result is that many alcoholics find themselves just totally cut themselves off from the alcohol use perspectives and experiences of anyone who isn't currently trying to be totally abstinent or doesn't believe that abstinence is the only way to deal with alcohol abuse. And I suspect this will only become more sparkly apparent as doctors begin to try, for instance, off label use of the GLP-1 agonists along with other medications to try to lower the desire for alcohol in patients, etc, or as more and more slightly science-backed but ultimately still pill mill or subscription peddler programs pop up aimed at helping people lower their alcohol consumption. I'm excited to see new perspectives become mainstream, and I think a lot of the pushback is quite literally an attempt to ostracize new perspectives by presenting them as irresponsible, cruel, dangerous, etc.

[miasmaghoul]

I just, I don't even know what to say

W O W

Ok, serious chat for a moment. Warnings for mentions of an ED and medical mistreatment.

It's so frustrating to still see shit like this when I grew up in the days of fat free everything and Weight Watchers ads every 5 minutes on TV.

Why is it fat people that everyone agrees to dogpile on? We're bullied incessantly for something that a lot of us can't even fix or help, because people who AREN'T fat assume we're just lazy pigs. Like yeah, please just disregard my physical debility and MULTIPLE hormonal issues and just assume that I just shovel food into my mouth constantly. Oh, you say I can't have an eating disorder because I'm fat and "those people" are skinny? BOY DO I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU!

It's bullshit, full stop. I still struggle with my ED, but the older I've gotten the more open and honest with myself I've become. I've never sought treatment for it because, again, I'm still fat. The one time I did bring it up to a doctor, he said "well if you do have an eating disorder then you aren't doing a very good job." I wish I were making that up.

Fat is in my genes, and there are so many other contributing factors it isn't even funny. It's so pounded into our heads that we NEED to be thin (mostly targeting women, let's be real) in order to have value, and I'm so fuckin sick of still hearing about the latest severely unhealthy fad diet or what fucking celebrity is on ozempic.

Which, by the way, I did have pushed on me a couple years ago when regular people could still get their hands on it. It made me feel so much worse. Every dose would trigger a binge, and I would feel horrible for days afterwards. I told my doctor (different from the other one I mentioned) this, and she told me that it was just something I was going to have to deal with because look, you've lost 20lbs since your last visit!

I felt worse than I had in YEARS, but it didn't matter because my body was becoming more socially acceptable. Do you want to know how many times doctors have tried to shove weight loss surgery down my throat? Countless. No matter how many times I say I'm not even there to talk about my weight, and that those surgeries are NOT for me, someone always brings it up. It's crazy how hurtful being ignored for knowing your own body is, because someone else thinks you need to change.

I wish this was something I had figured out when I was younger, but alas. I wore a hoodie over my clothes for 6 years straight, regardless of how hot it was outside, just to try to hide. I made myself miserable, ate barely anything (which would just trigger a binge, of course) and had it beat into my head constantly that my weight was the most important thing about me.

Here's the thing it took me way too long to learn:

IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER

You know what the number on the scale is? It's just a number. Your weight, high or low, is simply a tiny part of who you are as a human. If others choose to judge you based on it, that's not a failure on your part. It's on theirs. Being fat is not a crime, nor is it deserving of the insults and sneers we get in public spaces. People will always find a reason to stare, to whisper and giggle, and the best thing you can do for yourself is not give them the time of day.

I realize that's not easy. It's taken me 30+ years to reach a point where I've realized that going out in public is a necessity, and that the only reason I think people are staring at me is because advertisements like this punched the concept into my fragile little mind as a kid. At the end of the day, this is the one thing all fat people need to know:

Being fat is not a moral failure.

There is nothing wrong with you just because you need bigger clothes, mobility aids, or help from others. I don't care what anyone says - your weight is no one's business but your own. You want to lose weight? Go for it! More power to you, you'll get nothing but support from me. But there's nothing wrong with not wanting to do that either. That's really what it comes down to - the assumption that there's something inherently wrong with us because we're bigger than other people.

That's the part that needs to stop. And if anyone ever needs a reminder, my asks are always open. You're beautiful, I promise. 💜

Thank you for coming to my TED talk lmao

(I'm sure some asshole anons will come at me for "glorifying obesity" or "promoting unhealthy lifestyles". I assure you I am not. I am simply trying to help normalize a different mindset. If you're upset that fat people exist and that I'm saying they deserve the same care and compassion as anybody else, then you need to do a little bit of internal examination there. I promise fat people have not hurt you by virtue of existing in larger bodies ♡)

[windvexer]

Alright, so -

When someone publicly says they don't want to talk about weight loss magic, I think in this day and age we might all reasonably consider there's a good reason that the topic makes that person uncomfortable.

"No, I don't discuss that" isn't a trick statement that's supposed to make you try and figure out how to get that person to talk about the thing.

And if you see a blogger say, "I don't talk about/recommend/do X" and you have questions about X, it stands to reason that they are probably a bad person to ask.

But what I really want to address is something else that's bothering me, which is:

None of us have a responsibility to hold conversations for the benefit of third parties.

I bring this up because it's something I've faced in the past, and I think it's worth pointing out from time to time. The train of thought usually seems to go like this:

I learn a lot from reading posts and conversations from others

The people I follow and listen to tend to not talk about certain topics

I want to learn about those topics, so I want people to talk about them

If people do not talk about them, this limits me

And all of this may very definitely be true, and there's certainly nothing invalid with this process in and of itself, except sometimes we hit step 5, which is:

5. Therefore, it is the responsibility of others to have these conversations for the benefit of my learning, or else I am being gatekept/unfairly limited

I think it's good to seek community support and discourse in order to have healthy and balanced discussions on a wide variety of magical applications.

But I also think it's good to remember that there is a difference between actively engaging in discussions as a peer, and being frustrated at others for not already talking about what you want to hear in the way you want to hear it.

I also think that it's really, really important to remember that Tumblr, despite how cozy the dashboard might seem, is a public social media platform. We are not witches sitting around a hearth in a private home, having private conversations.

All of this is astoundingly public.

And when I choose topics to post about, I don't only consider my personal wellbeing and triggers.

I also have to consider how much risk of public backlash I'm willing to accept, how many weeks or months I want to spend fighting commenters and trolls if people don't like my ideas, and how many conversations I really want to have about a topic if I become known as "that one guy" who's willing to talk about it.

For example: In the past couple of months I've gotten like three asks about weight loss magic, all of which I declined to comment on, and yet I am regardless somehow still "the guy to talk to about weight loss magic" to at least one person out there.

Is there some topic of magic that seems in-demand yet under-researched with limited public resources? Capitalize upon it, why not. Experiment. Build spells. Run trials with friends. Create your own resources. Become "that one guy" who worked to make this aspect of magic safe, public, and accessible for anyone who wants to find it.

As a witch, should you be able to find a way to use magic to accomplish your goals?

Yes, absolutely.

But that's on you.

[thisdreamplace]

Hi dream :) It’s 😵‍💫 anon.

The last few days have been tough, but somehow I feel better. Things feel ok, but there are some big changes I need to happen. I’m honestly a little scared because I’m not sure it’s even possible, but I don’t want to give up on it.

I have also discovered the roots to all of my problems. Like why I get triggered, why I speak or react a certain way, and even my coping. I know my previous anon messages seemed like I was on the right track….but I don’t think I was. I was doing what I used to do with the law, force feed positive thinking. Eventually I spiraled a day or 2 ago. But don’t get me wrong, I still learned from that as well. I depend on other people so much when it comes to the law that I don’t know how to function without checking blogs or just living. I say I have this mindset to keep going regardless but I don’t think I’m going forward as I truly should :( I’m moving, but I still feel so low. I move as if I am already defeated, but I have hope that maybe I can live this life I’ve dreamed of. That’s why I eventually fall every-time. I’ve just been so honest with myself.

One of the craziest things is, I see the negativity I hold inside reflected in my outside world. I’m not confident in my driving skills, and so people are scared to drive with me (this initially pissed me off so bad but then I thought, are they wrong tho? Look at what you think about your skills as well.). I get so snappy and down when certain people come around because I expect them to do something I don’t like (I have a negative perception for some people), and so other people have a negative perception of me. And you know what’s funny? There’s a person in my life who doesn’t believe in me, but they still force positive reinforcement when they don’t mean it….. but thats exactly what I do to myself. I don’t believe in anything good for me, but I still try to force positive words when I don’t mean it. I see me in everything that I don’t like. I was frustrated with it all but I started thinking “this is showing you what you should stop doing”. It’s helping me step out of this negative box I’ve built.

When it comes to Manifesting my dream reality, I’m not sure how I feel about it now. Well, I do know, but I just hate to admit it. For some reason, it’s so hard for me to step into this mindset that I am open for positive things. I’m not sure where to go from here, sadly. It feels like I’ll never be able to manifest. I don’t know why it’s so hard to believe in myself and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to. I don’t think I can manifest and I guess that’s what holds me back. That’s the only thing I haven’t been able to get to the root of, why can’t I manifest my dream reality? Idk. It’s frustrating. So I’m still moving forward regardless, but it doesn’t feel good at all.

I wish I could’ve given you a positive update today, dream. I’m learning & growing, but extremely stuck at the same time. Although this is not a happy message, it still feels like a little bit of good came out of this time. I truly get what you mean when you said you can’t fool yourself. It’s about within. We cannot run away from the problem that keeps coming back.

I’m just at this point of feeling down, but also letting everything be. Idek lol.

hello again wonderful anon <3

tbh i understand you entirely, and it's a thing i have to tell myself a lot as well. but the truth is... this is where you just keep moving forward in trust. i get it, you feel you could be doing things differently or maybe you're not doing something right but. this is the patience and grace we must afford ourselves in all of this... i think a thing not talked about is how happiness doesnt come overnight. because this community is obsessed with instant results, so we don't acknowledge the fact that the difficult times may not just end in a couple days all because we found our way. these things linger, way more than even i'd like to admit. i think that though,.. the most important thing in all of that is moving forward anyway. sure you feel like something is off, but why not begin practicing some trust in yourself then, along this path ? you'll lead yourself where u need to be. but thats smth you have to allow. let go of the need to over analyze yourself.

i'm glad u noticed that reflection of yourself in your world, and thus are able to being letting go of those things that aren't helpful for you.

when it comes to the manifesting and everything, tbh, i say put it on the back burner. this is the easiest way to move forward, at least for me it has been. when i stop relating everything to manifesting, and just seriously live life in the best way i can, everything falls into place. this is because manifesting isnt actually something to figure out or effort at. it's just a natural effect of being alive. so let it be natural and forget about it. focus on these things instead, that have to do with you. for example, see if it feels easier to believe in yourself when youre not relating it to manifesting anymore, but just simply living your daily life doing the little things you need to do for you. suddenly, you may see its actually not that hard to slowly allow in more real positivity for yourself, when its not based on manifesting anything but just based on you.

this will be a cycle you have to break, slowly but surely. when you put all of your faith into the law or manifesting or whatever, it's hard because you saw it as your savior. slowly, transition to seeing how only you can save yourself and you can start right now, waiting on nothing. working with life as its presenting itself and not as you wish it was, making you feel against it.

its a process, dear 😵‍💫 anon. and the truth is you never need apologize for a more difficult ask... its part of the process and its a process i know well. i wouldnt expect you to be perfect and bursting with happiness overnight. or even in a week. instead, all i hope is that you continue to wake up and give yourself a true chance. thats what really counts, little by little. ❣️

[hchollym]

The hc of Percy being a spy has always been so interesting to me because everyone always goes about it in a different way.

Sometimes it’s him not believe Voldemort is back at first and then joining another group to help muggleborns while he’s at the Ministry.

Sometimes it’s that Dumbledore asked him and the fight with his family, on his side at least, was fake.

Sometimes it’s him and Arthur both knowing the fight is fake but no one else does.

I personally like it best when either A. The fight is real, somehow Percy learns the truth later on and he helps but it’s not with the Order. (Because let’s face it Everyone knew who was in it pretty much, not the best for spy work unless your double sided and then double double sided (Snape I’m looking at you)

I can see many people forming small to large groups and Percy joining one of those and helping as many as he can. Working from the inside out. Trying his best to keep the wizarding world running while helping those who are especially affected by the war. (Because people never understand just how important it is to keep up on those little things still but Percy Weasley does)

Or maybe he is asked to spy and told its best to not tell his family. But the fight wasn’t supposed to happen. (Oh the angst that can be found there, Percy hurt and angry and still trying to protect his family but still means every word he said in that fight because it was real)

There’s just so much potential when it comes to spy Percy Weasley.

It's definitely an interesting topic, and since JKR left it unexplored, there's a ton of different ways that people can headcanon it! 😄

I’ve talked about this before here, here, and here. I personally think Percy didn't believe Dumbledore at first, but once he realized his mistake, he started helping muggle-borns as much as possible through his own actions (i.e. forging documents) and through Aberforth (see the posts linked above). 

I think it's possible that Percy worked with a different, smaller group than the Order, but I just personally tend to think that he wouldn't risk it, because by then, he would have been extremely cautious about who he trusted (he is committing treason, after all). We know that he had some sort of connection with Aberforth, so I think he was the most realistic person for Percy to work with. 

Aberforth was a member of the Order of the Phoenix during the First Wizarding War, and he was basically a reluctant Order member in the Second Wizarding War - not super thrilled or passionate about participating, but he knew it was necessary (hence his help to the students at Hogwarts through the hidden passageway). He knew how to get information to the necessary people of the resistance (to warn about raids, tell them the battle was starting, etc.), but he also knew how to fly under the radar and keep his mouth shut (about Percy's allegiance and who his source was). 

Plus, even though Aberforth was Albus' brother, he certainly didn't worship the man like a lot of other people, and he wouldn’t have held Percy’s past mistakes against him, because he didn’t care enough to get involved in personal drama, so I think it makes sense for Percy to feel the most comfortable trusting him. 

I personally don't tend to believe that Percy was a spy before he left his family - I just don't think that Dumbledore would have trusted his loyalty enough for that. The only way I can really see Percy being a spy before the fight happened is if one of my dark headcanons was true, but I'm going to put that under the cut due to trigger warnings for rape & torture.  

Regardless of how it happened, there is so much potential with Spy Percy, and it makes so much sense in canon. I just love it! ❤️

Thanks for the comment! 😊

Trigger Warnings For the Rest of This Post: Rape & Torture

So this is definitely one of my darker headcanons, but I can't help but feel like Barty Jr. saw Percy working for his father and used that opportunity to hurt him. 

We know that Barty hated his father (for legitimate reasons), but then Percy came along - a young man practically worshipping Barty Sr. and kissing his arse - and Barty immediately wanted to break him to punish his father (in a weird ‘I stole your new toy’ kind of way).  

We also know that Barty was breaking free from the Imperius Curse, and we know that Percy spent plenty of time working, so Barty would have had the opportunity to get to him at some point. I think he used the Cruciatus Curse on Percy and raped him (as sexual torture), but Percy was too embarrassed and traumatized to ever tell anyone. 

It’s like how so many men won't ever report sexual abuse; I think Percy blamed himself for not being stronger and ultimately internalized a lot of self-hatred and disgust. He probably intended to take that secret to his grave while also trying to ignore it & pretend it never happened. His mental health was definitely not great, to put it mildly (which I think contributed to the argument and Percy’s desperation for Dumbledore to be lying, because the truth meant having to face his worst memory, and he wasn’t prepared to do that). 

It’s possible that he didn’t even know who Barty was, but it’s also possible that he found out and Mr. Crouch manipulated him into keeping it a secret, preying on Percy’s hero worship and his inability to cope with that trauma. 

Either way, I think if Dumbledore figured that out from using Legilimency on Barty Jr. (when they captured him after the Triwizard Tournament), then he would absolutely use that to manipulate Percy into being a spy so that he could take down other Death Eaters like Barty. 

And if that happened, I think Percy would very likely push his family away for their own good (i.e. through “The Argument”), because he knew he was going down a dangerous, self-destructive path, but that was the point. 

[sapphire-weapon]

Ada anon, yes, you're making a lot more sense than I am! In full truth, I'm biased and I'm happy to admit that. I've lived through my own horrendous sexist treatment and the OG arc and the way many fans of the ship hype it up just... gets under my skin. It reminds me so much of a forced "romance", the woman not being viewed as her own person, despite teasing so much excitement and a cool story arc. I'll be cringe and admit here that I find her OG portrayal and how she's treated in fandom spaces a bit triggering. It hits too close to home, and I think that for a very long time I just wanted to project onto this character and watch her "break free" from Aeon and go live her life. She always had this hyge story just on the edge of being told. We see her wnormous potential and independence. How crucial she is to the deeper roots of the plot, but it always only came back to Sexy Leon Accessory and little/nothing more. It hurt to see. That's ridiculous, but it's honest, lol.

Maybe it's an ott reaction and I'm open to hearing that, but you do make a much calmer and logical point, lol. Regardless, I'm excited for what both Separate Ways and other potential remakes (cough cough reboots) might do with the storyline. Not just in terms with redoing Ada and retconning Aeon, but Chris, Wesker, Sheva, Claire!! The future will tell.

Honestly, I find that fandom's attitude towards/portrayal of Ada makes the writing decisions around her seem way worse than they actually are. That's not to say that the writing around her isn't still bad -- it's fucking awful -- but fandom cranks it up to eleven.

Fandom treats Aeon like it's the single most important thing in either Ada or Leon's stories, but it's... not, really.

Leon is a complete afterthought for Ada in both Damnation and RE6.

As much as I dog on Damnation, it's by far the title where I enjoy their dynamic the most. Ada is not there for Leon; Ada is there to work, and Leon just happens to also be there. There's no master plan or grand scheme that she's prepared to rope him in to some dumb bullshit like RE4. He's literally just... there. She doesn't need his help when she gets captured, he doesn't need her help when the bullets start flying. They don't need each other. They are both existing independently and happen to run into each other.

That, I think, is what Capcom always wanted their relationship to be, but Damnation is the only title that actually pulls it off.

And RE6, like... tried to do it, too? While attempting to make it more emotional? But it just sort of came off as Leon spiraling off into a total meltdown that damn near culminates with him breaking from reality all together.

Deadass, I half-expected Ada to have a moment in RE6 where she just turned to Leon and went "This is not about you." She didn't, but she should have. RE6 is Leon sticking his ass into Ada's affairs uninvited, and Ada more or less just being like "okay you can help, I guess, but this really isn't any of your fucking business."

Fandom are the ones over here shouting shit like EVERYTHING ADA DOES IS ALWAYS FOR LEON like dude what the fuck

a. how do you not see that that's not a good thing? and

b. that's not even true???

Like, Ada's writing is still bad and garbage and sexist and racist, but fandom just makes it so much fucking worse.

I think that there's room within the canon material to have an honest, nuanced conversation about Ada's other relationships (Wesker and Simmons), but no one ever cares to talk about that, because Aeon fandom poisoned every single piece of discourse about her.

There is a reason why I have been low-key shipping Ada and Wesker for years. But no one wants to have that conversation. Because people look at Ada, and all they see is Leon. 60% of the reason for that is the writing, for sure, but 40% of it is because of the way Aeon fandom has treated the ship and the character for twenty five fucking years.

[writingbrainrot]

Hey. Allow me to introduce myself

Member in a system (i dislike roles but i'd technically be a reluctant host)

Neurodiverse af, disabled af and qpoc af

Body is 25*

I need a body double to start writing again ;__;

We prefer discord cus pluralkit but also just easier to have all communication in one place

We suck at replying on other platforms

If you are 22-30 and want to write together and also talk about blorbos and you're accepting of someone saying "hey saying that hurts me, could you not?" And capable of saying it back when you're hurt then lesgo 👉😊👉

(Aka im ok with people making honest mistakes but not wanting to fix them and grow, that just doesn't work with where i am in life atm)

If you identify as conservative, right-wing, anarchist or communist (USSR definition, not US's weird definition that just means empathy=communist) person then please do not message me. Biological family are survivors of the genocides done by soviet so let's just spare us all the pain and not interact/gen

What we write if that's important:

We're self-published and write as diverse stories as possible, in whatever genre we feel like (the main one tends to be slice of life though) that are meant to be accessible to people currently experiencing brainfog aka what we needed and still need/lh

Potential cons of knowing us/dealbreakers depending on who you are:

•Strongly opinionated on the opinions we have solidified based on the best info we can access. Examples:

"don't be a dick, if you are being one, fix that" or "human rights are not up for negotiation" or "genocide bad regardless of who it is done on" (surprised how often i have to state these/gen) but also ones that seem silly and yet i feel strongly about like "having problematic faves". Loving barbie/disney/veggietales while wholly rejecting the companies. Trying to see things in a more nuanced way etc etc

•i'm both spiritual and scientific

•body eats meat cus traditions and health

•may disappear from time to time for a few days up to a week cus crashes happen despite our best efforts

•c-ptsd but like.... i think that's a given on this site/lh

•We're also not good people. Not the worst but not good people, we're just people.

•so many special interests, obscene amount because of above c-ptsd/masking

•oh also if you're drawn to talk to me but currently think you're NT.... you may discover you relate to me a bit too much and realise you were less NT and more ND than you thought. Many a friends have discovered their diagnoses solely by us sharing our symptoms so like, if you don't want a/another diagnosis, steer clear?/lh

•learning to unmask so we get more and more "blunt" every week

•we also like to talk, v social and we will penguin pebble because sending things to friends is fun ^__^

•when triggered, our communication dramatically gets worse and more frantic (i think this is normal but at this point i'm not sure anymore)

Fave quotes:

"Let the world we dream about be the one we live in now"

"What would you take from a burning building?

Anyone can answer that, the fire"

"I feel weak

You've never looked stronger"

"Tu fui, ego eris"

"Fortuna favet fortibus"

[vaicomcas]

Hi again. It's the anon who asked for fic recs. :) To answer your question first, I would love it as long as it's Castiel-centric (don't really mind whether there's shipping or not as long as the story is good and Cas is being his awesome self) though currently I'm craving happy fics only because the Nov 5 stuff make me sad with how the story ended for Cas (definitely adding your fic in my To-Read list for better days though). I wanna read him getting the happiness and love he deserves.

One of the things that drew me to his character (the very first fics that I've read that accidentally got me into the fandom were finale fix-its) was reading about this millenia old being not knowing the form his happiness could possibly take and then capitalizing on his deal with an incomprehensible primordial entity that's less of a deal and more of a curse to save the man he loves. My personal interpretation for that had always been that the happiness comes from being able to speak his truth and at the same time knowing that he'd get to ensure that his loved one lives on. Because if happiness is just solely in the being, the deal would have been triggered even before that (since nothing has essentially changed with his being) and it can't be just in the saying (because he'd have to consider how his words are received). Not to mention that it should have been impossible for him to find happiness in that moment because the knowledge of the deal hangs over his head and yet he was able to do so and for a purpose. That's kinda amazing so I kept reading more (just those fixits at first and then I just diverged) Most of them were Destiel and I did enjoy the ones that gave Cas a happy ending. The more I read though, the more I noticed that for a lot of Destiel fics, despite being written with obvious fondness with Castiel's character, his feelings and relationships to other characters become secondary to whatever comfort he can provide to address Dean and his issues. For example, I don't understand it when Jack would bring Cas back because of Dean. Isn't he Cas' son and wouldn't it make more sense if he was more protective over him and would attempt to do so regardless? (which is how I'm choosing to interpret why Cas was in heaven in the finale but he never showed up again? Haha don't actually know how to separate what really happened or not since I really haven't watched a single episode and could only assume canon events from the commonalities in canon divergent fics)

I'm sorry that this got long but existing in the fringes of the fandom without technically being in it means I don't have many people to talk about this with. :)

Oh OK so now I have two I think you may like. They are both actually a bit destiel but just in the background.

The love story of the Runner up (its about Cas having a relationship with a normal well adjusted kind man)

Pretend you are going to miss me (it's post-cannon and all the angels are resurrected and it's from Balthazar's perspective but still all about Castiel and it's also very angel centric which is refreshing)

In addition I enjoyed most of Northern Sparrow's fics (back in the days when I can still enjoy destiel. She does give Cas proper credit for how amazing he is and there is a lot of tear jerking moments but they all have happy endings. The two I liked best were Forgotten and The most important thing. I can't read them anymore because there is too much Dean in them but if it doesn't bother you then they are very good stories.

Thanks for reaching out and if you end up liking these I'd love to hear about it, but quite OK if not, like I said fics are so personal.

And no Jack didn't bring Cas back because of Dean, if that's in some fic then I'm glad I didn't read it. Cas is in heaven but never showed up again because the writer didn't care about Cas and once he was sacrificed he was only given an afterthought of a line from Bobby that he was in heaven. Dean never even asked Jack to bring Cas back.

If you don't want to watch the show I don't blame you. You can look up the plotlines in superwiki if the fics get confusing.

And thank you for defending Castiel's own awesomeness despite never having even seen the show.

[saintgeniushero]

My husband weaponizes his autism to call me ableist every time he doesn't get his way. I know this sounds like, say, a white person saying that a black person weaponizes his race, but I have made a continuous effort to get along with him, but at this point, I think he's just being a jerk on purpose because he wants to divorce me and doesn't have the heart to ask me. I think he has a kind of mental problem that he won't let me help him with, be it depression, extreme anxiety, his chronic pain driving him crazy, i don't know. But regardless of whatever medical problems he may have, mental or physical, it is just not fair for him to treat me the way he treats me when I make so much loving effort. Today I came back from work and said "Hello, how was your day?" and he responded "your fucking food in the fridge [kimchi from H-Mart] smells disgusting!". I know autistic people tend to have stronger sense of smell, but it's not the first time I buy kimchi. I smell absolutely nothing, so I considered the possibility that he might be psychologically triggered, but I give him the benefit of the doubt of course. Maybe he does smell something. Sure! I believe him! Now, what can we do to address the problem? He immediately says "I'm going to throw out all your food in the fridge when you are at the gym". He gets paid more than double of what I make, and I get paid by the hour, not a salary, and he never stocks up the fridge. I cannot afford to have my expensive food that I bought with my hard earned money, trying to eat healthy, to be wasted. Couldn't we put it in a Ziploc bag maybe? What works for you? Let's problem-solve! In the end, both in his eyes and in the eyes of society, I'm always going to be the evil, ableist, cold, jerk of a husband. I was sent home early from work today (losing 2 paid hours) because I was sick (but I still went to work!). My managers saw that I wasn't feeling 100% in the morning. I still went to my 2nd job in the afternoon, only to come back home to be yelled at. Huh. Funny how even my managers at work have more empathy for me than my husband. And what's the other side of the story? Well, as soon as you hear his side (told in his words), you'll be convinced I'm the evil guy, so I'm just relaying the facts I think are important to me. He would probably say something like "He makes the house smell like asshole and I'm literally holding my puke all the time" and people will respond "Damn, that guy must be a real slob!". That's the effect he has on people... And as I write this, he is taking my kimchi out of the fridge and putting it next to the window in hopes that the smell he detects will disappear. It's winter up here with -4°C currently, so the hope is that the cold will keep the kimchi good... he has this thing where he makes an enormously huge deal about small things, which is not normal and it's why I often attribute it to his autism. People with autism in the media are often portrayed like this: Like horrible people, but we forget about their condition. Elon Musk has Asperger's like my husband and nobody talks about it. They just talk about how horrible and radical he is.

[thenexuscollective]

Hey uh, we just wanted to offer some support to y'all.

We struggled a bit with that vent post (both with understanding exactly what you meant and also having feelings about it) but because of that we did just... scroll past.

I think what's important is that we are all against bigotry and for inclusion and liberation of ALL plurals, and like... it can be hard in a community when there's so much focus on the cruelty (whether it's coming from inside or outside the community), even if the focus on it is for the purpose of fighting it.

You're allowed to have big feelings about it, you're allowed to struggle to articulate them (idk if you feel like that's what's going on, just adding it in case since it's often something we need to hear), and you're allowed to express it in ways that aren't always perfect and may be messy.

We're still not sure we fully understand the vent post, but we don't have to in order to support you. Our inbox is open (well, not sure what the settings are, but send us an ask if you wanna talk and we can message you in any case) and if you want a nonjudgmental ear to vent to, we're here.

You're welcome to publish this OR answer it privately OR not answer it at all, we just wanted to offer some reassurance since like, it seems like you're having a hard time and could use some support.

We hope things get easier. <2

(Also I hope we worded this well, we're very worried about unintentionally coming off like an asshole despite trying our hardest not to because tone in text is really freaking hard! 😅)

umh. dang we entirely missed that ask. when did ya send it? also do you have us blocked?? because we can't access your account at all./gen srs info gq nm just confused

also for the record, that vent post was NOT supposed to get that much traction, or be seen at all. the only reason we tagged this as syscourse was for people to be able to block the negativity since that/these specific topic(s) are often triggering for a lot of people in the community, ironically including ourselves./srs

so like, frankly, no offense, none of us really cares what feelings that brought to anyone. it wasn't supposed to be a MESSAGE to anyone, let alone be perceived that much (although in hindsight, we don't regret it that it was). and we don't know if the feelings you're talking about are good or bad (we can't really understand your tone here, plus you left out some context/info), but regardless this was NOT the goal of that post. that post frankly wasn't meant for anything else than for one or some of us letting some thoughts out at i-dont-know-how-late in the morning while being sick and bottled up feelings rose from the pressure of outerbody life events and personal issues affecting many individuals within the system. so if you saw this post and got feelings from it (especially if neg), we're sincerely sorry/gen, since that was not what it was meant for/, but that is on you./srs

Also thanks for the kind gesture (if it was one?), but we have no way to contact you since your account is probably either deactivated or have us blocked(?). Honestly this is far from the first time with us dealing with anything related to that, we've been in (distant) contact with the community since years and way before officially joining tumblr. So these are thoughts, opinions, and emotions cumulated from a lot of experiences (often neg in context of syscourse). But we appreciate positivity whenever we see it <3 /gen

[pazodetrasalba]

Dreams of Reason

Dear Caroline:

Some posts ago I was writing about how I would enjoy learning about the way you stumbled upon Rationality. This writing of yours doesn't really clarify it, but is an interesting first take regardless.

I don't think I ever experience that "world is mad" you talk about, except as the ordinary adolescent hubris of 'adults are stupid and ignorant', furthered by the fact that my generation here was one of the first to rather massively attend university. And yet there are many ways in which Rationalism would have attracted me a lot when I was young: my cult of truth and reason, respect for science and overall nerdiness would have helped. I would have had problems with some of the weirdness, though. Polyamory is still something that triggers me very negatively - I have just managed to progress to the state were I just find it very dislikeable and not morally repugnant, and perhaps wouldn't just try to cut off all the people I appreciate from contact with it or its practitioners. I am aware this is also a personal thing and is related to my own insecurities though.

In perspective, I feel that the teenage years are disproportionately very important for avoiding falling into the wrong intellectual traps, which are very difficult to shake off afterwards. A teen just out of naive religious belief and with an inclination to simple, black-and-white answers and little knowledge of the world is very easily prey to any minimally convincing rhetorical meme. In my case, I fell head over heels for Marxism, and 20 years later, I still haven't purged myself completely from its aftereffects.

About your alienations from normies, there is something that does surprise me, although I think is a feature among Rationalists and EAs: a lack for specific emotional empathy as distinguished from the disembodied, indistinct abstract one. Perhaps that would explain your declared alienation from political discussions (you just don't feel absorbed enough into 'empathy for the tribe' and its values) while buying completely into the EA stuff, which poses some non-trivial difficulties for me. Like, I can accept and assume some very basic, moral obligations towards all humans (and probably extend them to any moral and rational/intelligent creature) but indistinctness seems really alien. It is not only self-evident, but intuitively morally good for me that not all people have a right to equal attention and help from me: that individuals have the right, beyond a bare minimum of not actively harming, to select and grade those they accept responsibilities for, whether due to closeness (biological, intellectual, geographical) or for other reasons (appreciation, admiration and respect). I care deeply about helping people, but not so much about helping abstract people. And this is made worse because of Singerian absolutism (not only does he impose the moral obligation of helping others indistinctly, but way beyond the "with little cost to ourselves". I feel these are meritorious actions, but completely disagree that they should be mandatory, basic moral obligations) and the fact that the certainty one can attach to moral discourses is always very limited, so one always feels justified in rejecting premises when one disagrees intuitively with the outcomes they imply.

Quote:

If you once tell a lie, the truth is ever after your enemy.

Eliezer Yudkowsky

[savingthrcw]

Kate Austen

Page under construction

Some important canon divergences:

-This is the most important thing, key to Kate regardless of me eventually writing other ships because it explains a lot about her (I'm talking about her relationship with her father as you'll see): I will be writing Kate as having feelings for Sawyer by default even if you write he doesn't feel the same way (she'll get over it, I don't want to forceship!), and trying to push them away because, like she said "every time I look at Sawyer, every time I feel something for him, I see you, Wayne. It makes me sick", and I interpret that as not only her thinking of Sawyer as potentially unreliable in romantic settings even if not abusive like Wayne was (she pictures the two of them as a very toxic couple, especially knowing herself and how she'd keep pushing him away, so she doesn't really him a chance to prove her wrong) BUT, more importantly, it means to me that she's scared he'll bring out of her everything she has inherited from Wayne, because she's more herself around Sawyer than around others and she keeps pulling closer and pushing away; she sees Wayne because she fears she's like him in many ways.

Wayne always pushed her darker side out until she killed him, and she's scared she'll find out she's too much like him so she runs first (same fear she had about having children, and Aaron proved her wrong, turns out she could be able to give healthy love if she gave herself the chance). This fear exists regardless of Sawyer, and will follow her in romantic & familial & strong platonic relationships in this order.

I want to point out that this doesn't need to come up in our threads because very dark (depends on your triggers and her relationship with your muse), but it was very clear that Wayne, while believing Kate to be "only his wife's daughter" (but still, you know, a young woman under his roof that he watched grow up), was making passes at her, at least in the form of sexual comments while drunk and grabbing her. I write Kate as sure this was going to go somewhere beyond words and the last push that made her kill him, besides having just found out he was her biological father. She hates him and everything else I said, and even more so for hurting her mother, but she was also terrified.

-her feelings for Sawyer will dissipate if we are writing another ship or if we write that from the beginning they never interacted as much, but if they were there she'll always care for him.

-I write her as caring very much for Jack but not being in love with him. I will write her as distraught after seeing him with Juliet and still sleeping with Sawyer that night, but it will be because she knows she hurt him very badly, begging for his help to save Sawyer and 'making him' perform surgery on Ben. It's guilt. It's also feeling she can't be the person he deserves. She's not going to be with Jack if she goes home. You can have your Jack feel for her whatever you want.

-Kate's afraid she'll also 'pass on' the evil onto a biological child somehow. If she's raising Aaron in one of our verses that fear has taken a dive and is almost gone, because she can never imagine hurting him and she's beginning to see that a biological child would be equally innocent and not draw anything evil out of her.

-Now here's the kicker: I have to write Kate as more open than she is in canon. I think the difference comes from not relying as much on Jack, not letting herself grow as close due to guilt (over manipulating him/using his feelings at the very beginning) and that changes everything. Because if I write her the way she is in canon, threads will lead nowhere because she'll shut down. So I'll put her in situations where she's forced to speak up and make different choices. Not much, because it's still Kate, but enough. You can assume she's running away from openness in between threads, of course, but during threads when doable I will force words out of her, probably by changing some neutral small choices (example: not leaving immediately which results into a conversation not being closed).

Example: if Sawyer tells her she can use him, doesn't have to pretend she wasn't upset about Jack and Juliet when she slept with him, instead of not defending herself because it's true she will later tell him that it wasn't like that because in this blog it's not, and because I'll find an excuse to make her admit it, even if it's just anger.

potential scenarios:

-I'd love to write Kate staying on the island with Aaron due to things going differently, and traveling to the past with the others, or just Kate, no Aaron. Or for Sawyer to go with her, back home with all the difficulties and awkwardness there. Write other things happening, other encounters, wounds, situations, going off-canon, having her and Sawyer actually discuss how she feels about Jack (and maybe she goes stay with Claire again after they fight over the pregnancy scare instead of going back to Jack) (or she COULD be pregnant and terrified), or like I said explore her relationship with Sayid more, since there was something going on there in the first episodes and they kept being close (but could have been closer). With Juliets and Jacks, if they are okay with the changes, there could be more focus on the '3 years later', keeping in mind that Kate stayed single. Same for potential Claires who may return to Aaron and be helped by her. Or even better, all these characters survive and go home and threads can be set there too! Let's save whoever we want and write nicer things too, besides causing them new pains!

[squeet-smooch]

Tak. Mitten is making me write this version of this note.

I have been feeling incredibly unwell about a lot lately, and over time it has not improved much if at all. I cannot tell what's real, and i don't know if i can even believe what I'm experiencing is a trauma response or a valid observation of my environment.

I just want you to know how much i appreciate everything you've done for me and my system. You've genuinely brought me to such a beautiful, safe, and exciting new environment that i do believe is going to hold incredible opportunities and provide plenty of room to heal.

Unfortunately i am sick, there was never a time where i wasn't. I do not know how to accept kindness or ask for help or even how to verbalize what's going on. I know any message i send is going to leave out major information and i tend to hyperfoxus on the wrong stuff.

But to the best of my ability i do want to talk about and express it, and heal. I want to have a back and forth where we can both be honest and feel better together after, regardless of initial discomfort. Things always feel better after hard talks.

Getting directly into it, i genuinely hold the belief that you're tired of me, regretting everything we've had or agreed to, and do not want me around anymore. I firmly feel like you want nothing to do with me, and have withdrawn mostly purposefully and wish to be more away from me.

I believe I've done nothing but hurt you again and again since we met, and that I'm not the person you thought i was when you spoke about wanting to marry a while back. You did say you wanted to move slow after my February visit, and I'm more than thrilled to gently move forward in an easy, soft relationship where both of us are unsure and loving.

I am getting more and more scared though, that i am right. That now that I'm here, you realize somehow I'm not right for you, and that you would rather break it off or have me take a lot of space from you. I've pulled back significantly, not because i don't want you, or to be close with you, but because i believe it's what is going to help you. I miss you intensively, but the thought of approaching you with it makes me feel like I'm pushing you, like I'm being awful. I feel like i am encroaching on all, every single one of your boundaries and proving to be a terrible roommate, just as i feared before moving.

I worry about tossing and turning every night, keeping you both awake, so i come to the bed very late after I've exhausted myself so i know i won't move so much, or after I'm sure you guys must be in deeper sleep. Or i don't come in at all. Because i am not accustomed to sleeping with anyone, certainly not since kaleb and even further back to when i was very small, where i was ridiculed for essentially sleep fighting.

I cannot rest. Although it is all i have time to do anymore. I feel as if I'm losing resource after resource, and I'm terrified yet i cannot ask to fix it.

The pool is closed, probably will be til next year. My heart breaks over it but what kind of immature person would i be if i didn't cope? I've been out of deodorant for a while now, and i would be okay just to borrow Tailgate's that he said i could use, that he left here, until i could buy my own, but it's low too. I'm low on shampoo, and also conditioner but obviously that one is not near as important as soap and i have replacements for that if i really need it. I lost my ID, which i desperately need for literally everything. I lost use of my sunflower debit card because of a simple mistake that was very avoidable. Things like this keep happening and i am extremely triggered by it all the time.

I feel constantly triggered like that. Like somehow I'm still not safe, like nothing i own is safe and no matter how hard i try i cannot protect my things or the people i love.

I also truly believe that any mention of any of my issues is not only irrelevant, but inappropriate. Regardless of what it is or reason for sharing, and while i did say something triggering over message and you did use a gentle tone indicator, it feels to me like proof of a bigger issue.

Too much of what makes me, me is something that triggers you terribly. My identity itself is just something that doesn't line up with your lifestyle and i don't know how to find compromise, i do not know how to keep both of us safe. I want to make you happy and i am sick to my stomach thinking that i cannot. Despite anything.

I don't even know if you'll see these words, i don't know if we'll be able to talk, or when. I don't know if i have the strength to tell you anything. I have been trying to get a chance to talk for weeks now and things just get harder.

I want us to be close again. I don't want to come off as jealous or needy but i want to be physical and affectionate and cuddle, hold hands, kiss, anything at all again. I feel like I've already lost you and everything wrong right now is all my fault. But again, i can't even tell if it's real. It feels entirely real to me. I cannot see past my own nose and the pain that burns my organs out, but it very well could be the cortisol my body has come to rely on. The trauma response that kept me around for 22 years. Everything is too big and i cannot carry it, I've always carried it alone and had to make it through. I know im not supposed to believe that's how it is now, but i still do. I don't know how to see recovery anymore, and I'm scared you're going to see me as anti-recovery and toxic if i give in. I never just give up on my healing, that's a code of honor I've pledged with Mitten time and time again, and we dont betray each other. But i do feel stagnant, and that I'm backpedaling into some really dark territory. I don't want to backpedal, i don't want to possibly relapse into my darker mindsets and coping mechanisms, but i cannot turn it off. I cannot ease it and nothing has been helping.

Words of reassurance from everyone around, all the time, including you a lot, but i don't feel like you guys actually believe in me. And you're waiting to be proven right about quiet thoughts you carry.

I'm irresponsible. I'm mean. I'm selfish and needy and ignorant. I'm careless. I make everything about myself regardless of anything. I feel like no one truly respects me or ever could. And i just don't know what to do or think or say.

I've written again and again to try to verbalize things, I've tried to gently start conversations or ask if i could help in some way, how to improve whats so unwell right now, but nothing is coming out correctly and it just feels worse than it has this whole time.

I'm very sorry for every way I've possibly hurt you, and I'm sorry if what I've said is ever unwarranted or wrong. I love you with my whole heart and i hope that things can improve soon, and quickly. You deserve better than this. (And Mitten insists that i do too but i can't help but struggle to believe that)

[sasquapossum]

Hey, can I ask how you interpreted that image as hate speech? I'm asking genuinely -- you can still unfollow me and take your time answering or just say no because i'm not entitled your time or anything, but I would like to understand and would appreciate your time on it.

I reblogged it under the impression that a) it was pointing out the insufferability of those who wanna say they're a centrist when they aren't (often just embarassed to say they're conservative for some reason) but regardless it's b) less about what they actually think just that pure arrogance of whatever their thoughts are it is the Correct and Only Way to Be TM and c) that this specific variation of fair-weather unironically deals with not having addressed inherent instincts of confirmation bias by declaring they're more willing to criticize one side and criticize only, looking for holes purposefully in the most minute of things in defense of what they lean towards but still claiming centrism. By doing so without caring that they do that, it ends up with someone unprincipled and hypocritical even by what they usually tout is their own standard of thinking things through (the basis of them being Right TM. Happens in other groups because it's about /needing/ to be better/righter than the person they're talking to more than anything else).

I often come across this type of person where I live and so i didn't think it was a caricature so much as a commiseration about a very specific genre of person that's hard to be around. How does that translate to hate speech?

OK, let me start by saying that I might have over-reacted. I stand by the general sentiment I expressed, but your reblog (which was indeed the trigger) might not have been the best example. Perhaps it will explain why I might have over-reacted.

Fake moderates absolutely do exist. I've been dealing with them for over 40 years, both in media and in forums where I participate, and I've been extremely tired of them for over 30. Some conservatives like to hide their true beliefs, I think in hope of getting a hearing they'd otherwise be denied because they know their beliefs are noxious. It's dishonest, it's cowardly, and I have more reason than most to despise them. Nonetheless...

People who genuinely hate real moderates and centrists and people (like me) who don't fit any neat left/right distinction also exist. I have plenty of burn scars and bullet holes on my virtual back to prove that. Such people seem particularly common right here. They can't even say "moderate" without a sneer or a snarl, and one important aspect of their behavior is that they make no distinction between real and fake moderates. Anyone who does not share their very specific flavor of ultra-leftist belief is The Enemy.

That brings us to the image you reblogged, which I would compare to people putting a confederate or blue-line flag on their car. There really people who use those symbols with benign intent. I've met a few. But they should know that others find those symbols hurtful. They should know that the vast majority of people who use those symbols mean for them to be hurtful, and they should avoid those symbols for that reason. Hate speech occurs not only when there's malicious intent, but also when there's a failure of diligence when repeating the haters' tropes and stereotypes.

So when I see "I'm not left or right" - a phrase that many people use with all sincerity - identified as a code phrase for crypto-rightists, I see repetition of a hateful message. When I see "I have no real beliefs" I see repetition of a hateful message. Many people do use those tropes with conscious malice, and have used them against me personally. There might not have been any bad intent on OP's or your part, but you still can't poke at a wound like that and not expect a reaction. Each of us must eventually accept that it's not our place to say whether someone else is hurt or offended. If they are, they are. I see ads for a shirt sometimes that says "be careful who you hate because it might be someone you love" and it applies here just as much as anywhere else.

FWIW, I do not bear you any will. I've already said I need to prune my follow list because I can't keep up. The people I follow are posting so much great content that even one post that makes me feel bad is enough to make my itchy unfollow finger twitch. I might well follow you again if some day I have the "mental space" to be adding people again, and something of yours comes across my dash in the normal course of events.

As I said, I might have over-reacted, and for that I apologize. I hope that this explanation helps you understand why I or others might do so, and why it's not necessarily personal. Peace.