#i don't think y'all can understand my struggle when i was younger

[usahanna]

Imagine being 12-13 years old and being so obsessed with a crackship and a specific set of characters from different videogames that you make up an entire storyline filled with drama and slowburn just so your ship can bang

[restinslices]

LKBS AS FIRST TIME DADS

tried to make these as differently as possible

Bi-Han

His baby is planned so he's not as nervous as other people 

Bi-Han is ridiculously confident. He's helped with his younger brothers and he knows the basics of what a baby needs so honestly, he's pretty sure he's got this in the bag

He did not have it in the bag

Here's the thing; his younger brothers didn't depend on Bi-Han to survive. They had their parents. Plus, Bi-Han spends too much time thinking about his child as an adult warrior and completely skips over them being a child

This baby is depending on him and his partner at all times and they're a baby 

I'm gonna make them all girl dads because listen-

I think patience would be something he'd both struggle and be good at

He's patient when it comes to small mistakes, like knocking something over but he can be a bit impatient when it comes to developing certain skills and when they make bigger mistakes 

Y'all know how Kratos is hard on Atreus but it's because he cares and want him to be prepared for when he's gone? That's Bi-Han

He'd also struggle with saying things in a child friendly manner. I don't mean swearing, I mean he has to pause and think “how do I say this without hurting their feelings?”

He naturally has a harsh sounding tone so he has to try his best to not sound mean. He can't double down 

Since I mentioned speaking, he is not using a baby voice 

People get excited with their first kid and are like “oh my gosh look at my little baby!” and speak all high pitch but he's not doing that at all. He's using his normal voice and adult words with a newborn

Some people have nicknames for things. For example, when my nephew was younger we'd ask if he wanted “nom noms”. Bi-Han doesn't see the point in doing that. He's asking his toddler “do you want food?”

I can understand if people would think he'd be this super grump dad that hates all types of noise but in my head Bi-Han understands that kids make noise and cry. Does it annoy him? Yes. Is he screaming for them to quiet down? No. His world was never gonna stay quiet once he decided to start a family 

Speaking of yelling, I don't think he does it often. Bi-Han is the type to pull his kid to the side and quietly threaten them. Like when your mom would pull you to the side and say if you kept acting up in the store she was gonna whoop you in the bathroom 

He also has “the stare”

Shit gets shut down quickly 

The definition of “wait until I tell your dad”

He'd train his daughter like he'd train anyone else. He's not going easy on her. If anything, he'd be harder on her because she has more to prove 

There's so much he doesn't know how to deal with since this is his first child and honestly, that emo phase probably kicked his ass more than he'd like to admit

The bang, the extensions, the checkered wristbands, the studded belts-

It's embarrassing for him to mention how genuinely concerned he was. He had no idea what was going on and telling her to train harder didn't take the hair dye out her head 

Speaking of which, I think Bi-Han’s biggest mistake as a parent would be trying to mold his child into becoming a mini him. It's not because he thinks he's 10/10. It’s because he's a solid Grandmaster. 

“Back in my day we learned obedience” type shit 

The type to say “I hate when my dad did this” then proceeds to do it to his child 

He'd need help when it comes to emotional awareness and seeing his child as their own individual 

He may accidentally snub them of childhood moments they deserve. It's not with malicious intent, it's more of a “our enemies don't sleep so we won't either”

Imagine if him and his kid ended up having the same distant relationship him and his dad had-

Tragic but definitely possible 

Kuai Liang 

Probably also had a planned baby 

He may only want one child because he's worried he'll end up having another him and Bi-Han

Which is why I think it'd be funny if he had twins-

Follow me camera 

He's expecting one baby. That's it. That's all. 

So when it's revealed he's having twins, he's shocked and afraid 

Bi-Han’s betrayal did a number on him. He doesn't really know why Bi-Han was so angry. He knew about his frustration but he didn't know it'd go this deep and he'd let their father die. He's worried he'll upset one of them and history will repeat itself 

Him dying isn't the problem. The family breaking up is what he's worried about 

Because of this I think he'd accidentally become a helicopter parent

He's overly affectionate to his children. Affection is fine but he smothers them and watches everything they do 

He tries so hard to keep the family together, but it does the opposite. Now his kids are desperate for space. Both from him and each other 

Before we get to that sadness though, Kuai Liang is a great dad 

He trains them and if one has his powers and the other doesn't, he makes sure to not show favoritism 

Idk if he'd be corny enough to buy his twins matching shit. If he doesn't, Tomas will and he won't stop him 

Anything they give him, he's 100% keeping 

He uses a hair tie they painted pink instead of his usual one 

He frames all of the pictures they draw for him 

He attends all their little tea parties and let's them harass him about how much sugar is in his tea 

He doesn't spoil them but he doesn't not spoil them 

He doesn't give them everything they want but he'll get them stuff if it makes him think of them 

Like a doctor's toy he randomly saw 

He tries to be very active in their life when he's not busy 

He has safety plans in case his clan is attacked. They're at war and he doubts the Lin Kuei will spare his children 

I think all the brothers would let their kids know about their job and their responsibilities. No point on keeping it secret. They'll have to do it one day too 

Some parents get really sad when their kids grow up but I don't think he'd get sad. Idk, I just think he'd see it more as an accomplishment. Not everyone makes it far and he's always worried about their safety 

Remember when I said his kids would want space? 

This would probably happen in their teen years and he'd be so confused because wdym he still managed to fuck up?

I think how he'd feel would be a mix of “well they're kids” and “damn, I blew it” 

Overall I think he'd put way too much pressure on himself when it came to becoming a parent and this stresses him out more. At some point though he'd have to learn to let them be them and learn that honestly there's not much he can do

He does his part by being a loving father. He can't make them stay together or make them stay loyal. That's just the goal 

Besides that I think Kuai Liang would honestly be a pretty solid dad. He genuinely loves and cares for the people around him and it'd show with his children. He'd do all the dumb shit some dads are too embarrassed to do with their children. 

He's just a bit smothering 

A lot a bit-

Tomas Vrbada

He actually wants multiple kids 

He doesn't want a whole football team but wants his own little family 

His kid is probably planned too and I think he's possibly the most excited 

I can really see Tomas being a good dad and I think starting his own family that's just his would mean a lot to him 

Yeah he has Kuai Liang and their new clan and for a while he had the Lin Kuei but it's not the same. He wants his family that's only his and is related to him by blood 

So with that being said he's already reading books and watching videos before the baby is even here 

He still feels unprepared when she actually gets here 

First of all girl dad Tomas has no shame. Put the makeup on him. Dress him up in the dumbest shit imaginable. Have him do a duet with you. He's doing it all 

Overall he wants to give this child a way better life than he had 

His family was killed so the bar is in hell but moving on-

I think Tomas could accidentally spoil his child. Can y'all see it? I can see it 

My sources or reasoning? I just think he's the most likely out of the 3. He goes from “I'll give them a better life” to “and I'll buy this and this and this-”

Don't get it misconstrued though, he's still training them to be a warrior. War is everywhere and he got some shitty ass luck 

Imma be real… Tomas might be a leash parent-

I can see him getting tired of this kid running off and he gives up and buys it 

I can see him teaching his kid to do all that smoke shit and they accidentally fly up in the air 

This is another reason for the leash 

I can see Tomas feeling like an outsider with the Lin Kuei so he tries his best to make his child feel confident 

And that confidence can easily turn to arrogance 

He's complimenting their abilities at every turn and I think balance can be something that slips his mind. He's thinking “man I wish I got more compliments and felt more seen growing up” and takes it to an extreme 

So his child is now kinda a cocky asshole, which is something you may expect from Bi-Han’s kid but his would grow up being a bit insecure in a “I can never please him” way. Tomas’ kid is arrogant because “my dad is always pleaded with me”

It's hard to get right 

He's present in everything. Not in a smothering way though, he's just there 

If he has to miss any important milestones or events, he definitely tries to make up for it 

Like if he missed a dance performance, when he comes back he'll ask them to redo it in front of him 

He wants to be present for everything, even if it's small. Idk. I think he'd just really value these moments he'll never get back. He'll have more kids but he'll never see this particular kid dance ballet again 

He adjusts nicely to parenthood I think. It's a challenge but he's confident enough to take any failure he does on the chin and move on 

And if I said he takes the emo or scene phase really well, what are y'all gonna do?

Some kids do coke. Listening to BVB seems like the better choice 

Definition of a spine made of jelly 

Puppy dog eyes work with him. I don't make the rules 

I do, but moving on-

The spoiling part would kick his ass so bad. He'd have to get that shit under control at some point because it's like, no shit your child becomes defiant and spoiled. You give them everything 

They'd have a positive relationship overall. I think spoiling would be the main problem 

My thoughts are unorganized as fuck and I'd like to apologize because now I'm going back in time to say he'd take his child hunting as soon as he could 

His family hunted together and it was usually a nice fun bonding activity so he does it with his child 

I mention this for the first child because his judgment of what's appropriate at a certain age is so off

She's 4 and he's “saddle up. Let's go hunt this large unnamed animal!”

Nothing bad ever happens to the Kennedy's-!

His child is kicked by whatever they were hunting 

Has to be reminded several times that his baby is not a buff grown man like he is that can take some damage. They cannot just thug it out Tomas 

Besides the multiple injuries and spoiling though, he'd be an alright dad with his own little family 

Probably plans on having another one once his kid is like,,, 2 because he's insane 

[jessejamesmaybank1]

JJ Maybanks fic prompts.ideas

some of these may be silly or stupid (kinda lots of ooc), but pls don't judge, dm me or leave the link in the comments if you use any of these pls!

JJ sometimes visits his dad in a form of self-destruction/self-harm, so now that his dad is gone, he doesn't know how to deal with or process his emotions - this could be used in many ways, but my main idea is that JJ is depressed after they get the gold (after pogue-landia or being "alone"), so he kinda shuts down or smth

During 1x05 when John B. and Kiara start slapping the mosquitos, The pogues involve all of each other In the activity, but it triggers JJ or he gets worried about the pogue's continual fighting

Barry or one of Luke's dealers has a problem with Luke and can't find him or smth and takes it out on JJ, maybe by beating him or badgering him for money - this could be REALLY dark, or simply hurt/comfort

JJ insults one of his friends on accident and has anxiety and regret over it - that's it, but I feel like you can do a lot with it, create different reactions, and display the inner workings of the pogue's relationships

A parallel to the Sarah and Kiara scene where they tricked them onto the boat to solve their fighting, what if Big John did the same thing when JJ and John B were having a huge fight as kids. I think that Big John is irresponsible enough to do it and the boys would be petty enough as kids to need it. Ik it was pope's idea, but I think it would be so cute to see the little pogues.

Barry going to attack JJ to get his revenge but ends up seeing him getting beat by a kook or smth and relating to him bc of when Ward beat him or smth in his past (even just the relation of kooks vs pogues). I think that the development and atmosphere of the fic would be interesting.

I would DIE for a fic abt when jj was little and his parents both were in love with each other (like only had eyes for eachother and had the rest of their life planned out together) and they were eating dinner or some other normal family things and his parents were talking about their dreams of moving to Yucatan, and that is one of jj's favorite moments with his family and he remembers that as his parents perfect dream (before drugs took over their life and they abandoned/abused him), sooo I think that that alone would be beautiful, or you could add how he always want to go to Yucatan to solve their problems, because he thought that Yucatan would solve his mom and dad's struggles. Ik this was confusing, but if you understand, this would be beautiful 🤩

This may be confusing, but in the seen where he fights back against his dad and has the wrench held up and says "well I ain't scared of you no more" what if his dad usednto threaten him with tools or if he really did, so jj is taking the high road or is just like having flashbacks or smth - this one is kinda stupid and a real stretch, but I feel like Luke could have hit jj with one of his tools bc jj interrupted his work or something. Idkkk y'all

This is more of a headcanon, but I love the idea of jj being named Jesse James after his mom (Jessica - her name isn't mentioned in the show) if you wanna make it a fic, it could be abt him being bullied for having a girls name and his mom comforting him or abt his dad telling him that he will never live up to her name - I read a fic (I don't remember the name, but it COULD have been 'mental Polaroids', but idk) and Luke was yelling abt jj having the same "fucking weepy-ass eyes' as his mom

This is again just another headcannon, but jj has younger brother energy sometimes, and I think he was born in June or August for some reason - probably the youngest of the pogues, maybe celebrating his birthday ro smth

I think we can all agree that John b. is sometimes an ass-hat, so maybe a fic abt him getting reeaaaalllly drunk and upset over his dad in season 1 and trying to fight jj bc jj was insensitive or for another reason

[intheholler]

Hi, sorry if this is a weird message but I just wanted to say how much I appreciate your blog.

I've never been to the appalachia region but I was born in Mississippi and only lived there for like 3 years before we moved. My mom was a travel nurse so we moved every year or two and I really loved living like that and being able to live in tons of different places but part of me is really upset that I never really belonged to a specific place.

When I was younger, I was thankful for not growing up in the south. I always heard other people talk about it, how it was nothing but inbred hillbillies and how everyone talked in a weird drawl and I was glad I never picked up the accent.

But now I'm so, so upset about it. I have a very slight accent sometimes and say y'all and ain't a lot but it's definitely not recognizable as a southern accent.

I want to sound like that, but it feels wrong to try and talk with that accent now, because my family doesn't sound like that and I don't live in the south anymore. Even though I was born there, it still feels like I'm not from there, you know? Like I would be stealing something that's not mine.

It just sucks. Especially when I hear people constantly talk shit about the south and how everyone there is stupid and ugly and racist and evil and it's like, ''Oh. Maybe if I lived there a few more years they would hate me like that too."

A lot of time I see people talking about how much it sucks to grow up in a certain culture, but I never see people talk about how much it sucks to grow up without a specific culture(s).

The worst thing is when people ask where I'm from or where I grew up, and I don't know what I'm supposed to say.

So thank you for your blog. I know the south and appalachia are different, with different cultures and climates and people, but it still makes me feel like I can experience something I never got to.

hi there. this is not weird at ALL.

its a topic very near to my heart really. thanks so much for sharing your story not only because it's yours and i want to know it, but because it resonates with me SO hard, and i don't really talk to anyone who was constantly on the move as a kid and questions their identity because of it.

long post below, as is usually the case with me and this subject.

first i wanna say: i agree that the deep south and appalachia are certainly unique from one another, but to me, they share more similarities than they do differences. your story only cements that in my mind.

we have similar politics, are embarrassed by similar stereotypes, have shameful collective histories. we have similar flavors of self-work and unlearning to do. even the accents overlap.

we also know the same struggle of trying to be louder than our region, how it feels to have our individual voices swallowed up by people who don't want to hear it because they've already decided what they think about us as if we are some monolith.

what i mean is you definitely belong in this community, and i'm so glad you are here!

now for the emotional bits: i hate making these sorts of asks about me, but i sometimes feel at a loss as how else to communicate my empathy in this specific situation.

i just hope my experience can extend a sense of solidarity and understanding to how you're feeling, as mine mirrors your own very closely. i can seriously like feel the pain radiating off of this ask and i just want you to feel seen and heard.

"The worst thing is when people ask where I'm from or where I grew up, and I don't know what I'm supposed to say."

this kicked me in the stomach, because same. it's why being "from appalachia" is so integral to my identity. i'm not from a town or even a state. all i have is the region.

i've talked about this before on here, but my dad was a contractor, and we moved every year or two as well. the longest i stayed in one town was three years, and it happened only once.

i agree that moving around a lot was good in some ways, but, like you, it left me without a sense of belonging.

looking back as an adult, i realize how badly all of that moving fucked me up. i don't have a hometown in the traditional sense. i'm not "from" anywhere.

a lot of my childhood belongings i no longer have because everything seemed to get lost in the moves. i feel like i am scattered across a region, and i am nowhere.

its so bad that, as silly as it is, i get irrationally upset at something as innocent as when i am with someone who has lived in a place most of their life, and they can easily give directions there because they know the place so well. i can't do that with anywhere and so i feel bitter.

i myself moved around consistently in appalachia/the south, though, so i still grew up in the area, as generally as one could. so i also spent most of my late childhood and preteen yearsgetting rid of the accent. i didn't want to sound "stupid" or be lumped in with the racists and the stereotypes of the region.

i thought it made me better than other kids who spoke with the accent, because back then, i hadn't started the self-work i have since undergone and ripped all that hateful internalized bullshit up.

i regret it every day now that i'm learning to love where i'm from--appalachia and the south as a region. i regret ever buying into what i was told about myself and getting rid of all markers of it.

i get it, anon. i really do and i love you and i'm sorry.

THIS IS ALL TO SAY VERY VERY LOUDLY:

you. are. from. there.

you were born in the south. you was raised by a presumably southern family. even if you wasn't, they had to take pieces of mississippi with them. culture is not a static thing--it goes where you go.

you can't steal what's already yours. the accent is yours to use. it feels awkward in your mouth when you try to get it back but that's just because it needs to get comfortable in there again. it doesn't mean you're faking or stealing. it means you are reconnecting, and reunions can sometimes be a little awkward.

don't hold yourself up to rigid standards or fall victim to any gatekeeping, outward or inward. only you get to define who you are, and it seems like you know who that is supposed to be.

i hope you can start to feel a little more at home in your identity. i know what a special hell it is. thank you so so much for being here <3333

[tired-reader-writer]

Thoughts on ferdinand?

Short answer: Don't like that guy.

Beyond this point is the body of the post where I may rail on your favorite character. This post is clearly-labeled and easy to avoid. If you choose to read on despite me making it clear what my opinion is, you do not have to right to vague me in a condescending manner as you may or may not have done with another post of a similar kind. Just avoid this. It's not that hard. I'm making the fandom ecosystem a little more varied, is all. Us Detlinde fans, Sylvester lovers, and Raublut sympathizers have had to sit and bear with it as the fandom paraded our faves and hurled shit at them. If we have had to endure that, surely you can endure One (1) post that criticizes your fave who is widely loved by everyone else and is also put under a cut. Don't start insulting me for criticizing a character when you've gotten mad at me for responding to insults with anger.

Surely a fandom that condescended to us for reading something we disagree with will understand the point I am making here :)

Aight now that that's out of the way, I can finally get to the meat of the post for all the big-brained people who chose to continue.

Reasons why I think Ferdinand sucks have been touched on in these posts (A B) so I don't really have all that much to say about that outside of reiterating what those posts said.

I tried, y'all. I tried so hard to like him. Everyone else loved him and I wanted to see what they were seeing.

But I couldn't.

He's an abusive jackass who doesn't see that the people around him do love him, can't be allowed near children, doesn't bother lifting other people up he just expects them to be already good. His memory trip with Myne changed nothing about how he saw her or other kids “her age”. He doesn't even seem to like most parts of her, he just seems to like that she's on his level and that she'd protect him.

And the problem is that. I wouldn't hate him nearly as much if only the story or the fandom acknowledged his dickishness. It's not that I'm unfamiliar or can't handle heavy topics, either— I am a victim of lifelong abuse in a country that's been on fire for as long as it's existed. I Been Knew, buddy.

Vincent Nightray from Pandora Hearts is a misogynistic little prick who lies and tricks and betrays people to get to his goal. He may or may not also be a transphobic allegory. But I love him! He's one of my favorite characters from the manga! How could this be? Because his flaws matter. Because both the story and the audience understand that he's not just the poorest little man. He kinda is, but I love him because he's a messy character full of flaws. It makes him interesting. Also because his struggles and storyline involving guilt and suicidal ideation resonated deeply with me.

I absolutely fucking adore Sohma Akito from Fruits Basket. She is so fucking abusive to so many characters and… the story knows that! It acknowledges that! She's, like Vincent, a fucking mess! But the way her backstory explains her entire thing but doesn't excuse it, the way she's such a realistic exploration of abuse both as perpetrator and victim, is so interesting! She's so interesting! Fruits Basket as a whole is just. It's good. It's excellent. It even has a counselor and an artist analyzing the symbolism, art direction, and psychology of the characters on YouTube. You should give that podcast a listen. It's by the channel ThoughtBubble. (Ferdinand's “trauma” could become a realistic exploration of the consequences of such a fucked up life, how he passes on the hurt to the younger generation, if only the story let it but… everyone just uses that trauma card to woobify him and excuse him and go “oh poor Ferdinand” on him like a pity party, which I don't like. Again, the potential is there and I could like it, but the way the fandom treated his trauma is so viscerally off-putting to me that my faith in his potential plummeted and I “hate” him by their definition instead)

How about Orochimaru? Irredeemable terrifying bastard villain WHO TRAFFICKS AND EXPERIMENTS ON CHILDREN. There's discussion of how the military state exploited him and he went off the deep end and it was excused when it still benefited the state but became a crime as soon as it became for himself, but largely people agree that he cannot be excused. And he's one of my favorite fucking characters.

Shimura Danzo? Y'all don't need a primer on that fucker everyone hates him he's terrible he's problematic and I love him. One of the characters of all time.

How about Senju Butsuma? Specifically, the rendition of Senju Butsuma in a fic written by my friend. He's still abusive, he literally has a scene of beating the crap out of his sons on-screen in the fic— that scene triggered me by the way but it just goes to show how well-written it is, my friend the author specifically mentioned that he didn't want to trivialize abuse but also didn't want to turn it into a sympathy-bait pity party for the Senju brothers— and? He's my babygirl. He's everything.

Prospera Mercury? Fucking war criminal milf with Issues? She uses both her children as weapons even as she claims she's doing it all for one of them? Massacres people? And? I love her????? She's so messy she's got Problems she's not good for her daughters. And that makes her infinitely delicious. Easily one of my favorites of all time.

So it's not that I hate characters who are jackasses. It's not that I hate flawed, messy characters. I love them! I love them even when canon doesn't. I love them even when the fandom doesn't. I would never try to excuse or absolve them (I mean, I'd like to see any of you try to excuse Danzo??) I try to give these characters the justice they deserve when I'm discussing them with people. But I… can't do that with Ferdinand. Any discussion of his character in a way that doesn't fit their very narrow view of “the biggest victim in the world who is also the strongest most badass man ever” immediately gets clotheslined into “hate”. Even the mildest of criticisms, even the most politely-worded posts get misinterpreted, misconstrued, and ultimately declared as senseless petty hate. Heck, even people who like him a lot get shunned and ostracized from the fandom if their interpretation is too different from the Fandom Majority's! So yes! By the fandom's very definition, I hate him! I hate him most immensely! I hate the parts of him that the narrative and the fandom choose to highlight as opposed to the more interesting bits! I hate that he takes up all the oxygen in the room whenever anyone discusses Veronica's abuse and her victims! He's not the only victim, but everyone acts as though he is!

So yes, tldr: I hate him. If only he could've been written by a better author like Mochizuki Jun or Takaya Natsuki. Fuck, even as much as I gripe about Arakawa Hiromu, even she could've handled him better.

[bibliophilesince2003]

Episode 15 (Star Wars: The Bad Batch) spoilers and general reflection. Do not read if you don't want to be spoiled, because I will be going into depth. This finale, y'all. Wow...

I can't even put into words what I'm feeling right now. I'm so glad it ended up being almost an hour long. The Bad Batch producers weren't kidding when they said the end is bittersweet.

When the intro popped up, I noticed the words "Bad Batch" were completely void of color. I'm not going to lie, I got a little choked up at the sight of that. Here's the thing... I never cry over movies/shows. Obviously, I'm still human. I may sit in stunned silence, I may give a strangled cry or talk as if the characters can understand me, and I have been on the verge of tears for a few shows in the past. At the end of the finale, though - when Omega leaned her head against Hunter's arm, Wrecker and Crosshair joined them underneath the tree, and the screen slowly faded to black - well, let's just say my expressions were very pained and my eyes watery. For me, that's a big deal. It hit me that we've made it the end... the very end.

I did not watch The Clone Wars (animated series) when it first came out, but my sister and I had watched the entire show a few times over before Bad Batch came out for the first time. When you're with a show that long, you kind of have to get slightly emotional. Inwardly, if nothing else.

A lot of people may not understand because the show is in fact animated and not real. As a writer and film enthusiast, however, I found the plot and dedication from the voice actors very impressive. Very little movies/shows have impressed me recently.

Besides that, Hunter was very relatable for me. I'm a military brat. I am very used to a "chaotic" life. Home is wherever my family and I have gone. Home is being with them. Our strong bond is what kept us sane in the midst of chaos, and it's difficult to explain. Seeing the Bad Batch have a life like that just made sense to me. Additionally, I would do anything for my family. I am very protective of my younger siblings. Sometimes they look up to me and expect me to make the final call; it's very daunting if you're afraid of making the wrong choice.

Eventually, though, everyone has to settle. Even the Bad Batch, after a very chaotic, stressful life.

I didn't expect to see an adult Hunter and older Omega. I love that she wants to be a rebel pilot! For one thing, it makes sense. I also love that she's still so close to her brothers. Hunter lets her go, but he still pictures her as his kid, in a way.

I don't want Tech to be gone, but I'm willing to accept it. I was delusional until the end, and I hope many of you were spared that stress. It felt like he had died again. And Crosshair without a hand? If Echo can manage, so can he, but they were really willing to go to extreme measures to get Omega back. I think him struggling to pull away made it so much worse; the intensity of this finale had me on the edge of my seat.

Well, fellow fans, I'm still processing the finale as I write. I don't think I'll ever recover, but I'll treasure the memories. Clone force 99, thank you for being both comfort characters and characters to learn from. And Bad Batch producers, a round of applause for all the hard work you've done. Consider my watery eyes the highest honor I could bestow upon you.

[cicerenella]

Omg please give us more info of HRE and Italy 😙 what is their story?

(Of course dear anon! But first, I have to warn y'all: HRE's canon characterization is...a big mess. As a history nerd, I tried to find a more "accurate" way to depict him, so if it distances a bit from canon I am sorry! Also chibitalia makes no sense along with chibiromano, so we scrap them here. Long post ahead.)

Italy-HRE relationship: my take on it!🇮🇹

Before actually starting to look at their relationship, I think I have to make it clear that I envision HRE as Germania's son rather than grandson. That is because it is a general conception that both Prussia and Germany are Germania's sons, and so to make HRE his grandson (mind you, HRE is older than germany!) makes...no sense. Also, if you think HRE is Germany, this depiction might help. Moreover, this headcanon is more of an help to keep the plot linear rather than an historical fact.

Another point is his age. I really do not like chibitalia, and think that the whole thing of making Feli dress like a girl is...creepy? So again, I scrap this whole bullshit, since HRE and Italy are already several centuries old when they start having a relationship. HRE officially was created in 800 with Charlemagne, but similar to the Italy Brothers case, I depict HRE being "born" a bit before that, since he is Germania's son and was most likely alive before his dad died (poor guy). That makes him a bit younger than Feli.

So we come to the year 800! A 11 year old looking Feli is brought in the new and shining Holy Roman Empire and he...is not enthusiast about it.

HRE says in canon that he started loving Italy ever since the 900s, and I actually really like this touch. The first century is most likely feli getting used to live in such a different context, and their relationship was not good at the start. So HRE actually having a middle school kinda crush for one of his territories is actually so cute. Mind you that here they were still fairly young looking, so it was mostly puppy (for now unrequited) love between a young empire and his conquered land.

Fast forward to roughly 4 centuries! Both HRE and Feli grew up to their late teens/early adulthood, and the latter in particular started to gain more and more autonomy from his "young emperor". Venice was starting to affirm in Europe as a powerful Republic, the duchy of Tuscany flourishing with arts, Genoa becoming a maritime power... y'know, he was getting bitches around Europe.

And HRE? The crush for Italy just never left, and it only got stronger as they grew. Feli was now his sorta-equal, and he admired him so much at this point. And so I hc that roughly around the second half of the XIV century, they started "dating". (Oh and to make it clear, I don't make the whole "HRE thinks italy is a girl blah blah" because gay rights♡♡) whereas it was their first serious relationship with another nation.

I like to hc that HRE gave Feli his "Veneziano" nickname, since he used to call him "his beautiful veneziano" everytime they met. because they both struggled a lot during that time, with Feli trying to manage the rivalries between Tuscan cities and HRE managing whatever the hell was his empire (LMAOO).

now, regarding the death of HRE, the official date of dissolution of the empire was around 1806. in hetalia however, it is implied that HRE died in the Thirty Years War, and so that bring us almost two centuries before in 1648. I honestly want to keep this as the period that he died, mostly because it adds more...tragicness? to it. although I have to bang my head against a wall trying to understand who the hell replaced this guy after his death. (Prussia?? Austria??)

anyways, this guy goes to war and he NEVER returns. nation death is not common, and especially not something that happens everyday, so across Europe it was a big shock to hear when across the battlefield the corpse of the once Holy Roman Empire was retrieved. And you can also imagine the utter shock that feli upon learning about his lover's death.

It scarred him, a lot. HRE was his "first love" and he was the one that gave him the utmost respect. even months after his funeral, feli still waited for a letter from him hell, one singular word even! but of course, this was just a product of his grief stricken head. this is also why I headcanon him as being very frivolous in his sentimental life, since the only time he had love, it had been ripped away from him in the cruellest way possible.

[bronte-deserves-better]

Ancillary

New fic up y'all!

Title: Ancillary

Wordcount: 7064

Summary:

adjective: ancillary

providing necessary support to the primary activities or operation of an organization, institution, industry, or system.

-

“You’re giving up on Sophie because you think you’re not capable of helping.” Tiergan can taste bitter tea and sharp iron when he bites his lip. “You- fuck you. Fuck you, Bronte. You don’t get to give up.”

“To assume I could do anything is a fool’s hope.”

“Then let’s be fools. Let’s be fucking fools! I don’t care if it’s hopeless. I don’t care if you’ve never done it before. You owe it to Sophie to try.”

-

Or, Sophie shatters from guilt. Tiergan can't seem to accept this, so he begs Bronte for something that no one has ever tried before; to heal a mind with the inflictor separate from the telepath.

(Set in the same universe as Common Denominator, but you don't need to read that to understand this.)

-

Tags: @cogaytes @gay-otlc @you-have-been-frizzled

---------

Tiergan Alenefar is, before he is anything else, brave.

He’s lived through things that would shatter any lesser elf. He’s loved and lost time and time again. He’s struggled and fought and bled to rebel against this unjust system that has tried so hard to break him. Tiergan has held friends weeping for lost lovers, children with no one left to care for them, rebels bleeding out in his arms. He has raged and stormed against the injustices of the world. He has hidden his true self under cloaks and masks of darkness for years upon years, knowing the scorn he would face if it came to light.

It is not fair that he’s had to be so brave. But to live in this world as himself means being brave before anything else, brave before he is kind or gentle or any of the things he wishes he could be instead.

The point is, Tiergan is a grown elf, and a tough one at that. He’s weathered worse than this before.

But-

But Leto is so horribly calm about all of this, as if any of it is something that can be fixed. As if this isn’t a child they’re discussing, a child who carried the weight of the world on her shoulders, who is gone, far beyond their reach.

And Tiergan can’t seem to breathe.

Sophie is shattered. Like Prentice, only this time there’s not even a whisper of hope for her healing. There is no miracle to save the Moonlark, only the helpless grief of adults who should have protected her.

Sophie. His brave, brilliant prodigy, who endured far more than should ever have been asked of her. She was so young. So, so young. Younger than Wylie. Younger than even Tam and Linh. A child who they gave life, who they brought into this world, knowing it would be cruel to her. How can he be surprised that it was too much to endure?

“Tiergan?” Squall asks. She’s not supposed to use his real name in Collective meetings, but he can’t bring himself to care. “You look….”

“Bad,” Wraith finishes for her.

He almost laughs. It’s such a horrific understatement that it’s nearly funny. “I need-“ Sophie back, Prentice to remember me beyond fragments, to feel okay for once in my life- “I need a moment.”

“Okay, Tiergan.” Even cloaked in ice, Squall’s expression speaks so clearly of pity that it almost burns. He doesn’t need Squall’s sympathy. She has her own grief to worry about.

Forkle- Leto- nods, and Tiergan hurries out.

He’s Tiergan Alenefar, rebel, lover, father, mentor. He’s brave before he is anything else, and he doesn’t need anyone, not even Prentice.

And yet-

Bronte doesn’t answer his door when Tiergan bangs on it. Instead, it’s a tall elf he’s never met, their red hair pulled back into a sharp bun, mouth twisted into a frown.

“I need to see Councillor Bronte.” Desperation tastes bitter on his tongue, colors his words with fervor.

“Councillor Bronte is not taking visitors at the moment.”

“Please,” Tiergan half-begs. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, only that he has to do something. “It’s incredibly important.”

Her expression doesn’t change. “He is not taking visitors at the moment.”

“Tell him it’s about Sophie Foster.”

“Very well. Shall I tell him it’s you who is asking, Sir Alenefar?”

“Please,” he manages.

She nods. “Just a moment.”

It’s Bronte who throws the door open the second time, sharp blue eyes immediately fixing on Tiergan. His hair is mussed, his clothes wrinkled, and there are dark circles under his eyes, shadowed by grief. He looks exactly as wrecked as Tiergan feels.

“Come in,” is all he says.

Tiergan does. Stepping over the threshold of a Councillor’s castle should feel terrifying, or at least important, given his history with the Council, but he feels nothing at all crossing Bronte’s.

Bronte leads him through to a surprisingly plain kitchen, gesturing to one of the chairs. “Sit.”

He does.

Bronte sets the kettle on the stove. “What did you need to talk to me about so urgently? Elora mentioned Sophie.”

“I- I need you to try to heal her.”

Even from behind, it’s clear how Bronte stiffens. “You know I can’t do that.”

“Not alone. But no one ever said that the telepath and the inflictor had to be the same elf.”

“I cannot inflict positively.” His tone is flat.

“You don’t know that.”

“I know that better than any elf living. Would you question me on my own ability?”

“I would.”

“You would be wrong to do so.”

“I don’t care,” Tiergan snaps.

“You should.”

“I don’t.”

Bronte sighs deeply. “I know that you are grieving, but you’re asking me for something impossible. Having me attempt to heal Sophie’s mind would be an exercise in futility, Sir Tiergan.”

The title is a bit of carefully manufactured distance. Maybe it would have worked on any other elf, but Tiergan is burning with grief and rage and dangerous guilt, and he can’t bring himself to care. Before he hardly knows that he’s moved, he’s across the room, grabbing Bronte’s collar and yanking him around to face Tiergan. “You don’t get to say that. You don’t get to give up. Just because Sophie was only another subject to you doesn’t mean you get to just turn your back and refuse to try! I cared about her, even if you never did!” He spits accusations like knives, rending his own throat in the process.

Bronte doesn’t rage or shout back. He just looks…tired. “Tiergan-“

“I loved her!” Tiergan nearly shouts. “I was her mentor! I was supposed to protect her!”

“You can’t protect someone from their own guilt, Tiergan.”

The words hit like a knife to the gut, frissyn on the everblaze of Tiergan’s anger. He finds himself suddenly unsteady, grip slackening.

Bronte reaches up and pulls Tiergan’s hand away from his collar. His grip is achingly gentle as he leads Tiergan back to the table and sits him down again.

Tiergan hates him so, so much.

“Here.” He can hear the clink of a mug being set down in front of him, loud in the silence of his grief.

He doesn’t bother asking what’s in it. Bronte doesn’t elaborate, only tells him “Drink.”

It turns out to be tea with a hint of something stronger underneath. He swallows, and it scorches his throat. The burn is almost a relief; it isn’t as if the physical pain cancels out the ache in his heart, but it distracts him from it, if only for a second.

Across from him, Bronte sits with his own mug, staring into it as if a way out of this whole mess can be found at the bottom. For a long moment, that’s all there is: Bronte sat across from him, his throat burning from heat and alcohol, the handle of a mug clutched in his sweaty hand.

“I do wish I could help,” Bronte says finally. “I will not lie. Sophie was my prodigy as well, and- she did not deserve this. But I will not give you false hope. I was not made for anything but destruction.”

Tiergan wants to scream, but he lacks the energy. “You were.”

“I wasn’t.” His voice remains horribly calm.

“You were,” Tiergan insists. “No one is made only to destroy. No one. I don’t give a shit if you think you’re a monster. You don’t get to use that as an excuse to be one.”

“I’m not-“

“You’re giving up on Sophie because you think you’re not capable of helping.” He can taste bitter tea and sharp iron when he bites his lip. “You- fuck you. Fuck you, Bronte. You don’t get to give up.”

“To assume I could do anything is a fool’s hope.”

“Then let’s be fools. Let’s be fucking fools! I don’t care if it’s hopeless. I don’t care if you’ve never done it before. You owe it to Sophie to try.”

Bronte sighs.

Tiergan downs the rest of his drink. His chest burns with grief and alcohol. “You owe it to her. And you owe it to Oralie. Are you such a coward as to not even try and save your best friend’s daughter? The child your own brother tried to kill?” It’s cruel beyond reason to bring up Fintan and Oralie, to hurl the baseless accusation of cowardice. He can’t bring himself to care.

By all rights, Bronte should have thrown him out on his ass for that. Instead, he lets out a long breath, shoulders tight with repressed emotion, and dryly remarks “You aren’t pulling your punches.”

“As if you and I have ever pulled punches with each other.”

“As if.”

“You owe Sophie,” Tiergan repeats. “You owe Oralie. You owe me. You let Prentice’s mind be broken,” he reminds.

“And when I fail, what will you say then? Will you claim again that I don’t care for Sophie?”

He swallows hard. “No. I- I could forgive you for failing. I couldn’t forgive you if you didn’t try at all.”

“And what telepath will be willing to risk their sanity for this fool’s hope? Or have you forgotten that a broken mind can easily drag others down with it?”

“I will.” Tiergan cannot find it in himself to be afraid. He’s been taught his entire life that to read a broken mind is perhaps the most dangerous thing a telepath can do, and yet that is nothing in face of his desire to see Sophie healed.

Bronte sighs again. “You’re out of your mind.”

“I know.”

“This is idiotic in the extreme.”

“I know.”

“And I’m going to help you go through with this insane plan. Stars help me.”

Tiergan laughs, bitter and whiskey scented. “The stars can’t help us now. Have they ever been able to?”

An answering smile, bitter as hemlock and black coffee. “They’ve never smiled upon me. We can only hope that they do now.”

-

Tiergan doesn’t want to tell anyone what he’s doing, but Bronte pressures him into at least calling Wylie. “You’ll regret it if this goes wrong and you left him without a goodbye.”

“I won’t be sane enough to remember that if this goes wrong,” Tiergan says, but he hails Wylie anyways.

His son picks up instantly. “Dad? Are you alright? Leto told me that you left the meeting and no one had seen you since.”

“I’m-“ the words stick in his throat. He can’t lie to Wylie. “It’s been a hard day,” he settles on. “I’m safe, don’t worry. But Bronte and I have a plan to see if we can fix Sophie’s mind.”

“Dad, no.”

“Wylie-"

“I know how dangerous it is to attempt to read a broken mind. That’s why no one could heal Dad’s mind until Sophie.”

“I’ve done it before,” Tiergan admits. It’s something he’s never told anyone, the way he monitored the shattering of Prentice’s mind, watched the memories fragment smaller and smaller.

“There’s a difference between that and a mind healing though, right?”

“There is, but please just trust me on this one, okay?”

“Okay,” Wylie concedes. “I trust you.”

Tiergan’s heart aches. “Thank you. I love you so much. You know that, right?”

“I know. Be careful, Dad. Be safe.”

“I will,” he promises.

“Thank you. I love you.”

“Love you too.” He ends the call and turns to Bronte. “Let’s go.”

-

Grady doesn’t look happy at all to see them. Tiergan can’t blame him. He’s just as good as lost his second daughter, and here they are to stir up more grief.

“Lord Ruewen,” Bronte greets.

“What do you need?”

His tone is hostile, but Bronte doesn’t snap back. “Tiergan and I would like to attempt to help Sophie, with your permission.”

Grady says nothing for a long moment. Then, finally, “She’s in her room.”

They make their way up the stairs in silence.

Sophie is curled up in the center of her bed, rocking quietly back and forth. He could almost believe that everything is normal, that she’s just lost in thought, if it weren’t for her eyes. There’s no spark left behind them, brown eyes staring off into space with the same vacant expression Tiergan saw on Prentice’s face for over a decade.

He swallows bile at the back of his throat.

“How are we doing this?” Bronte asks.

“I think I need to be connected to your mind while I search into hers,” Tiergan answers after a moment’s thought. “That way I can signal you to inflict when we need.” He’s not sure how well this will work, if he’s honest. Connecting to an Ancient mind while probing another is…less than ideal. It would be easier if he had someone else to do this with. Easier with a cognate, like almost everything in telepathy. But Tiergan is stubborn and brave before he is loved or trusting, and he lost his only chance at a cognate years ago.

Bronte is kind enough not to point out how difficult and improbable every part of this is. If he did, Tiergan might have punched him. Here, with Sophie in front of him, it’s impossible to see how he could do anything but this. She was his prodigy, and he failed her. He has to make this work.

“Let’s give this a try, shall we?” Bronte manages to make it sound casual, but Tiergan knows him well enough to read tension in the set of his jaw and stiffness of his shoulders.

He nods. “Can I enter your mind?”

“Go ahead.”

Tiergan closes his eyes and pushes past Bronte’s barriers; his mind is a castle, thick walls of stone shutting out the world around him, but Tiergan is the sly fox creeping through the drainpipe, the bird slipping through an open window.

I’m not going to be able to do this is the first thought he catches.

You are. We have to.

Oh, hello, Tiergan.

We are going to do this.

If you say so.

I do say so.

Bronte’s mind falls quiet at that, and Tiergan takes the chance to throw himself headfirst into Sophie’s. Funny, that, how the only time an impenetrable mind can be read is when it’s broken.

Instantly, he’s caught in a storm of shards. He is no longer the fox or the bird, all guises stripped away in the maelstrom of Sophie’s mind. No cloak or gloves can shield him from this blizzard, the swirling chaos of a mind slowly tearing itself into pieces.

It hurts. Oh, how it hurts. Tiergan had forgotten the pain of a broken mind in the months since Prentice’s rescue and subsequent healing, but it all comes rushing back now. Sophie’s mind resembles Prentice’s in the very early days, large, jagged shards tearing gashes across Tiergan’s shields.

He forges onward, though he can feel himself bleeding away with every step. The nook. He has to find the nook. He has to heal Sophie.

He’s so cold. Her mind feels freezing to him, sapping away at his strength with every motion. He has to find that nook. He knows it will be here. He knows Sophie knows how the Black Swan train their Keepers. She’ll be there, hiding away in that nook. He’ll find her, and he’ll make this right.

He’s starting to go numb with cold, aching, draining, stealing away the warmth and life from him. He can’t feel his hands. Does he have hands here? They should sting with the chill, but they don’t.

He’s- he’s looking for something. Something warm, he thinks. It’s so cold.

It’s so cold, and so dark. He can’t find the way.

Bronte, he calls, and finds no response. Bronte! Bronte, please. Please.

He’s not sure he knows what he’s pleading for anymore.

Sophie. Bronte. Leto. Wylie. Prentice. Names float through his head, and none of them mean anything.

He’s so, so cold. Why is it so cold?

Around him, there’s something. A rush of warmth, a glimmer of light in the endless dark. It hits him like a wave, rocking him into its soft embrace. The shards around him coalesce for a brief moment, shielding him from the rush of wind. Sheltered. Safe.

He curls into the embrace for an infinitely long moment, then another, before he hears another voice.

Tiergan.

Tiergan. That’s his name.

Tiergan, come back to me.

He knows that voice.

He latches onto the thread of light, pulling himself towards that glimmer with all his strength.

Come back to me, the voice repeats. Come back, Tiergan. I still need you here.

He pulls and he pulls and he pulls, and the thread moves under his hands, and finally his head breaks the surface of the darkness.

-

The first thing he sees when he opens his eyes is Prentice’s face. Concern is written into every line of it, furrowing his brow and twisting his mouth into a frown. In his eyes, Tiergan thinks he catches a glimpse of something stronger than concern, something that he doesn’t dare put a name to.

It takes a moment after that, but eventually the scene resolves itself into something coherent. He’s laying on the floor, cradled in Prentice’s arms. Bronte is kneeling next to them both, expression unreadable. Sophie is still on the bed. Standing around the rest of the room are too many people for him to make sense of, though he does note that one of them is Wylie.

“Tiergan,” Prentice says softly.

“Hi.”

“Are you alright?”

He can’t answer that. He doesn’t try.

Livvy takes that moment to announce her presence by demanding “Are you fucking stupid?”

“I-“

“You tried to heal a broken mind by yourself,” Forkle says. He sounds disappointed, but Tiergan doesn’t dare look at him.

“I should point out that technically I was also here,” Bronte says. His voice is strangely raspy.

Forkle sighs “You are not a telepath, Councillor Bronte.”

“I never would have guessed,” Bronte deadpans back.

“Anyways!” Livvy waves a hand in dismissal of all that. “Tiergan! Are you fucking stupid?”

“He is,” Wraith says.

Tiergan tries to glare at him but can hardly muster the energy.

“Clearly,” Blur agrees. “What were you thinking trying this by yourself?”

“I doubt he was thinking at all,” Forkle says, and oh he’s angry. He never, ever takes that tone with Tiergan. “If he had been, he would not have attempted to enter a broken mind without even another telepath to serve as a guide.”

Tiergan winces. He…probably deserved that.

Prentice’s arms tighten around him slightly, and Tiergan can read forgiveness just from that gesture. “He meant well.”

“We did,” Bronte rasps.

The knowledge of his failure burns worse than the tea and whiskey earlier, and maybe that’s why he says, “I’m not sorry. I- if there was even a chance that we could help, I had to take it.”

Beside him, Bronte nods. It’s a drastic change from the Councillor who was telling him he was a fool for this hope not even an hour ago. He wonders if Bronte is willing to be a fool for a chance to heal Sophie just as much as he is.

He looks around the crowded room. “What are all of you doing here anyways?”

“Wylie hailed me and told me you were planning something foolish,” Forkle explains.

Tiergan looks at his son.

“I’m not sorry,” Wylie echoes his earlier words. “I knew you’d need help.”

“And he was right,” Prentice murmurs. “I barely got you back, Tierg. If we had been any later…” He lets that sentence trail off as if he can’t bear to finish it.

His eyes are stinging, and he turns to press his face into Prentice’s shoulder. Prentice curls a comforting arm around him, hand finding its place in his hair.

After a moment, he feels another set of arms encircle them both, a familiar presence at his back.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispers.

“I forgive you,” Wylie says, so, so soft. “It’s alright, Dad.”

Silence, broken only by Sophie’s faint muttering and the creak of her bedframe.

Bronte’s voice cuts through the quiet. “Would now be a bad time to mention that my side of the arrangement seemed to work?”

“What?” Forkle sounds incredulous.

“I said, my side of the arrangement worked. I was able to inflict positively on Sophie.”

Tiergan sits up so fast that his head spins and Prentice has to steady him. “What?”

“Don’t sound so surprised, you were the one pushing me to try. But yes, I seem to have achieved what I could not for these past five thousand-odd years.”

He thinks back to his time in Sophie’s mind and quickly puts the pieces together. “You were the warmth I felt towards the end.”

“I assume so.”

Then-

“This is possible,” Tiergan breathes. “We could heal Sophie’s mind.”

“What are you talking about?” Forkle demands.

“When I was in Sophie’s mind, it was…freezing.” He shudders, remembering the bleak and infinite cold. “It grew warmer towards the end, soon before you arrived, and I felt sheltered. It was like I was shielded from the worst of the memory shards.”

“That’s not-“

“Anything is possible when it comes to Sophie,” Tiergan reminds him.

Prentice nods. “A shattered mind retains some level of consciousness for years after the break, particularly strong minds. I should know.” His voice is wry, and Tiergan reaches for his hand to give it a comforting squeeze. “It’s entirely possible for Sophie’s mind to instinctually protect Tiergan from the worst of the damage.”

Bronte clears his throat. “If this is helpful to your telepathic investigation, the emotion I was using was love.” He looks intensely embarrassed to be saying that, and Tiergan can’t help a faint snort at the idea of unbreakable, aloof Bronte being embarrassed about anything. Still-

“If Bronte’s inflicting and Sophie’s mind can shield me from the worst of it, then I could stay in her mind long enough to heal it. This is still possible.”

“I know you’re grieving,” Forkle starts, “but this is madness, Tiergan.”

“Don’t tell me what can and can’t be done!” Tiergan is burning again, grief dripping from his words like blood from an open wound. “Don’t you dare tell me to give up! I’ve done this song and dance before, Forkle. I waited. I was patient. I was all the things I should be. And I am tired of losing people!”

“I know, but-“

“No! You do not get to tell me what’s possible. You forget, Leto, that I am just as capable as you.”

“And you forget that I taught telepathy centuries before you were even born. I have seen more than you can imagine. Hard as it is for me to say this, and as hard as it is for you, it would be foolish to continue to pursue this.”

“Do not talk down to me. You think age means you’re wiser than all the rest of us,” Tiergan accuses. “You think you know best just because you’ve got a handful of centuries on us. All you are is a coward, afraid to fight for what you believe in.”

Forkle reels back, genuine hurt blooming on his face. “I am merely pointing out that you are putting your own life in danger for a false hope.”

Squall coughs, as if trying to intervene. Tiergan ignores her. “It’s not a false hope. And Sophie is worth it. I would risk my own mind a thousand times for her- for any of them! They’re children, Leto.”

“You would let your loved ones grieve you like you’ve grieved them for a mirage, a dream that cannot be?”

That was a low blow. “Don’t you dare use Prentice against me. I thought you were better than that.”

Prentice squeezes his hand tightly. He squeezes back.

Forkle sighs. “What I mean to say is that you won’t be the only one hurt if you risk yourself for this.”

“I know. But we all run that risk. Where is the Leto who asked me if I wanted to change the world even if it meant risking everything? Where is the elf who laughed as we ran from the Council’s emissaries? Where is he, Forkle? Have you grown old and afraid?”

“I’ve grown more cautious,” Forkle corrects.

“And I’ve grown tired of caution.”

“Fine! But do not expect me to approve of your insane schemes. I refuse to let you tear yourself apart over this.”

“As if this isn’t something worth tearing yourself apart for!” Tiergan tears himself free of Prentice’s arms, climbing to his feet to face Forkle. “You’ve asked me to risk myself for our cause again and again. You’ve asked me to be quiet and patient and let myself lose the most important person in my life, all for Sophie. And now you ask me to give up on her?”

“It is impossible for us to heal Sophie’s mind.”

“It isn’t! Which you would see if you could get your head out of your own ass for more than a few seconds at a time!”

Forkle raises an eyebrow. “Have we devolved into childish insults, then?”

“Being calm about this doesn’t make you better than me,” Tiergan hisses. “You don’t get to act superior because you care less.”

“I care more than you could ever know!”

“Then don’t try to tell me I shouldn’t try and help my prodigy!”

Forkle falls silent at that, and Tiergan does the same, only the sound of both their heavy breathing filling the quiet.

“Can I suggest something?” A quiet voice says from the door, and they both startle.

Edaline steps inside. Her eyes are shadowed by grief and sleeplessness, but she holds her back straight and her head high. “I admit I’m a bit on Tiergan’s side here. I want to see Sophie healed as well. And I’m not an expert on telepathy. But if Tiergan can’t do it alone, could he do it with a Cognate?”

Forkle is already shaking his head. “He doesn’t have one.”

Gnawing regret wraps itself around Tiergan’s chest, making it hard to breathe. He’s brave, and independent, and he’s never needed a Cognate, but-

But he never should have told Prentice no.

“I’d be willing to try,” Prentice says quietly. “We’re not- we weren’t ever Cognates, but we were compatible, once. And I managed to pull him back before.”

Tiergan turns, hardly believing his ears. “You would?”

“Of course. Sophie doesn’t deserve this. No one deserves a broken mind.” His voice softens. “And I love you. I don’t want to see you hurt.”

Oh. Tiergan has to cover his mouth, afraid that if he doesn’t, he might start sobbing.

“Touching as this is, can we all make a decision?” Bronte grumbles. “At some point the rest of the Council are going to start wondering where I’ve gone.”

“I still think this is foolishness,” Forkle sighs. “But I have also known you long enough to know there’s no dissuading you.” It’s as close to permission as he’s ever going to give.

“I don’t want you to do this,” Wylie admits. “I don’t want to lose you guys.”

“You won’t,” Prentice promises. “I won’t even enter her mind. I’ll just be here to guide Tiergan.”

“Your dad will pull me back if anything happens,” Tiergan agrees. It’s not a reassuring lie- he knows that Prentice will save him if he needs saving.

It takes a long moment, but Wylie finally nods. “I love you. Dad.”

“We love you too,” Prentice murmurs, opening his arms for a hug. We.

Tiergan tries not to overthink that too much as he, too, hugs Wylie, and then gets hugged in turn by every member of the Collective, Livvy, and even Edaline.

Forkle is the last to hug him, and when he touches their foreheads together, Tiergan receives a quiet transmission.

I’m sorry I made it sound as if I doubted your capabilities. I don’t. I simply worry that you take on more than you can handle.

I know, and I’m sorry I called you a coward. You aren’t, it just…frustrates me that we can do so little sometimes.

I know. Be careful.

I will.

He steps away, settling onto the bed. Prentice takes his hand- an unnecessary gesture, but it does make him feel better.

Bronte sits on the other side of the bed, grim determination written into every line of his face. “The plan is, Tiergan enters Sophie’s mind, and Prentice connects his and my mind, is that correct?”

They both nod.

“And you will tell me when to inflict?”

Tiergan nods again.

“Lovely. Let’s get this over with, shall we?”

This time, it’s Prentice who nods. He reaches a hand out to Bronte’s forehead, closing his eyes as he does. Tiergan watches him, the concentration in his furrowed brow, the determination on his handsome face.

He hardly feels it when Prentice slips into his mind. Prentice is no probe, but Tiergan’s mind trusts him so absolutely that there’s hardly a barrier for him to cross anymore.

Can you both hear me? Prentice asks.

Yes, Bronte’s mental voice says, and it’s cold like steel and autumn wind.

Yes, Tiergan confirms.

Tiergan, I’m going to tether you like I did before, so I have something to hold onto if I need to pull you back.

Okay. Tell me when I can go.

A beat, and then that should be good. He can feel a bit of Prentice’s mind wrapped around him, strong like braided rope but not heavy.  

I’m going into Sophie’s mind.

He braces himself this time, but it still hurts. It always hurts. All those years of sneaking into Exile to read Prentice’s mind have taught him that. He can already feel himself being torn apart on the jagged edges of Sophie’s mind, that insidious cold stealing in and sapping his strength.

Maybe he should have waited until he was less exhausted to do this.

Oh well. He knows that if he asked, Prentice would be more than happy to pull him back. None of the others would judge him for wanting a day or two to rest. In fact, they would probably be glad for it. But this moment is so tenuous, so fragile, that he’s half-afraid that if he doesn’t take this chance, there will never be another. He has to do this now.

He forges onward.

Bronte, I need you to inflict just a little bit.

There’s a rush of warmth around him, and the storm of memories relents slightly. When the warmth fades, it leaves behind a trail leading further into Sophie’s mind.

He follows it deeper into the storm, though he knows his mind is starting to bleed strength. He has to get there. He has to.

He makes his way through the shards, through the storm, through the cold, occasionally transmitting a request for more inflicting if he loses the trail. All through it, Prentice’s strength holds him tightly, though the connection thins and grows more tenuous the deeper he goes. He has a feeling that he’s being pushed around by the currents of Sophie’s mind, guided one way or another. Whether there’s any real intent behind it is another question entirely. Prentice talks about having some level of awareness while his mind was shattered, but for all Tiergan knows it’s different for minds broken by guilt vs. by other elves.

He doesn’t know how long he walks for, strength bleeding away into the cold, pieces of memory tearing at him, the faint trail of warmth all he can focus on. His thread of connection to Prentice stretches thinner and thinner, and he’s afraid that it will break. Yet he presses on, and on, and-

He can hardly feel Prentice anymore.

It’s then, as he’s most afraid, that he stumbles over some sort of invisible threshold into a small, warm corner, sheltered from the gale. The nook! Tiergan has never actually been this far into a broken mind- he knew it was a fool’s errand to search in Prentice’s without an inflictor, and he’s not sure he could have managed it alone even if he had tried.

Sophie, he calls softly. Sophie, it’s me. I’m going to help you fix this, okay?

It’s a futile message, with no one to hear it, but he says it anyways.

Let’s collect some nice memories, alright?

He starts to pull and gather little scraps of happiness and love and pride around him, a tiny nest of good things. Though he’s too far swallowed in Sophie’s mind to hear Prentice or Bronte anymore, Bronte must be inflicting, because warmth swells around him and with it a swirl of memories. He pulls those in as well, tucking them safely into this sheltered little corner.

There we are. Come back, Sophie. It wasn’t your fault. None of this was your fault. You did so well.

Another swirl of memories in response to his mental voice. He catches glimpses of several involving him and tucks those close to his heart.

You’re going to be alright. I promise, we’re going to make it alright.

His strength is slipping and fading, but he refuses to stop now. Not when he’s so close.

Tiergan was not made to be gentle or kind. The world has forged him into someone who is brave, who is stubborn, who is resilient before he is loved. But he is gentle now, as much as he remembers how to be, gathering up Sophie’s memories and tucking them around her like a blanket over a child, transmitting reassurances and praise and pleas to return. He is stubborn, and he is gentle in his stubbornness. He refuses to let Sophie’s story end like this, another empty bedroom in a too-quiet house, a teenager with vacant eyes that will never again hold light.

Something kindles at the center of his little nest, a single spark, and he feeds that with memories and warmth and reassurances. It grows, slowly at first and then quickly, and then turns to a tidal wave of warmth, sweeping him up and cradling him oh-so-softly. The wave bears him up, up, up, memories knitting together around him, a mind collecting itself again after being torn to pieces, and he’s swept away into the dark.

-

Tiergan, a voice calls, soft. Tiergan, come back to me.

He drifts, exhaustion dragging at his limbs and mind.

Tiergan, the voice calls again. You need to come back, Tiergan.

Another voice joins it, younger, more frantic. Tiergan! Tiergan, wake up!

The fear behind it jolts him into action, and Tiergan blinks his eyes open. What he intends to say is “Did it work?” but it comes out as more of an incoherent mumble.

“Welcome back to the land of the living,” Prentice says, and he’s smiling, but his eyes are lined with worry. Tiergan realizes that for the second time today, he’s laying across Prentice’s lap. It’s not a bad place to be, but-

“Did it work?”

“Tiergan!” Sophie cries, and he gets his answer. He sits up slowly, head spinning, and is immediately crashed into by a sixteen-year-old ball of blond hair and worry.

“It worked,” Bronte says dryly as Tiergan wraps his arms around Sophie and tries not to pass out. “You did faint immediately afterward though.”

Tiergan just glares at him, too exhausted to muster a snappy reply.

“I’m sorry,” Sophie whispers. Her face is buried in his shoulder, his ribs practically crushed in her embrace.

He could cry from relief. He’s been hurting so long and in so many different ways; having Sophie back is like having the weight of the world lifted off his shoulders, if only for a moment.

“It’s alright,” he whispers back. “It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault.”

“You risked your sanity to do that for me.”

“And it was worth it. It was worth it a thousand times over.” Tiergan can still feel the ache of his mind, temples pulsing with a headache, but he would bear worse for Sophie. For any of the children, actually.

Sophie doesn’t answer, just clutches him tighter.

“You should go hug your parents,” he nudges gently.

“Thank you,” Sophie whispers, and then she’s gone across the room into Edaline’s arms.

Tiergan takes the moment to turn to Bronte, who looks a little lost. “Thank you.”

He waves a hand in dismissal. “You did the hard part.”

“And you did something you didn’t know you could do.”

“You were right. I owed it to Sophie to try. Besides, I’ve discovered something new about my ability and gotten my prodigy back. I would say both of those things are more than worth the effort.”

“Still. Thank you.” There’s so much more that Tiergan should say there, apologies that he owes for the bitter words he spat, but he’s so tired. He can’t seem to put his thoughts into words.

“I was cruel to you, and you still helped,” he manages finally.

Bronte blinks. “You say that as if you and I have ever been kind to each other.” Tiergan doesn’t answer, and he goes on. “You said cruel things to me, yes, but nothing I haven’t heard before, and certainly not the worst anyone has ever said. I think that’s something you can forgive yourself for.”

“That seems like a low bar.”

“It is.”

“Then- I’m sorry.”

“Apology accepted. You care for Sophie, and I care for Sophie. That was all that we needed for this.” He glances at Prentice, and there’s something old and tired and very nearly guilty in his eyes. “Thank you as well, Mr. Endal. It cannot have been easy to work with me, but I respect that you were willing to.” Before Prentice can answer or Tiergan can tell him to fuck off, he gets up and walks over to where Sophie has just finished a tearful reunion with her parents.

Wylie chooses that moment to come sit by Tiergan, expression unreadable.

“Hi,” Tiergan offers.

“I’m furious with you,” Wylie informs him.

“…Fair.”

“I’m going to yell at you once you look like you aren’t going to fall to pieces.”

Tiergan winces a little. “I’m sorry, Wylie.”

“You promised you would be safe.”

“I know.”

“You lied.”

“I know.”

Wylie sighs, sounding impossibly old and exhausted for a kid of only twenty. “Can I have a hug?”

“Always.”

Wylie is taller than him now, but he still folds himself into Tiergan’s arms like so many times before. Tiergan feels Prentice wrap his arms around the both of them from behind, head leaning on Tiergan’s back.

We’re also going to talk about your tendency to throw yourself into danger at some point, his voice murmurs in Tiergan’s head.

To be fair, you supported me doing that this time.

I helped you because I knew you were going to do it with or without me.

I was, Tiergan admits. I wouldn’t have succeeded without you, though.

I know, Prentice teases. You need me.

I do.

Well, I’m here, and I’m never leaving you again.

Never?

Never. What kind of Cognate would that make me?

Tiergan’s breath catches. Do you think we still have a chance at that?

I don’t know. It seems like we do, though. His voice is suddenly hesitant. I know you had your reasons for saying no before, but I will always want to be your Cognate if you ever want to pursue that kind of bond. At the same time, I never want to pressure you into something you don’t want.

Tiergan is brave before he is loved, stubborn before he is gentle. But he can be gentle in his stubbornness, and maybe he can also be loved. Maybe, just maybe, he can set down his courage for a while and let himself be held.

I always wished that I hadn’t turned you down, he admits. I wasn’t ready. I’m…still not sure if I am. But I’d like to try.

Cognate Inquisition on Monday, then?

I hope it’s not so dire as that!

Prentice laughs aloud at that, drawing them some strange glances. “No, not at all. Not at all.”

“It’s rude to have all of your conversations telepathically, you know,” Wylie tells him.

“Sorry,” Prentice smiles.

“Your dads have always been like this,” Livvy laughs. “Dramatic idiots.” She says it with such raw fondness that Tiergan can’t even be mad about being called an idiot.

“I’m going to need some embarrassing stories about them when they were my age to make up for this.”

“And I’ll be happy to provide that!”

Prentice glances at Tiergan, eyes crinkling at the corners in that way Tiergan has always loved. “We’re in trouble, I see.”

“Oh, definitely. We’ll never know peace again.”

“I think I can live with that.”

“If it means we’re all together and alright, I can definitely live with that,” Tiergan agrees.

Prentice draws back slightly, only to lean forward again to rest their foreheads together. The gesture makes his heart skip and his breath catch in a way he’s sure Prentice can hear, but Prentice doesn’t pull away. Are you alright?

I will be, Tiergan promises. Every part of him feels raw, scraped thin, but he’ll heal. He has Sophie and Prentice and Wylie. He doesn’t have to be quite so brave anymore. Are you alright?

Nearly losing you scared me. But I’ll be alright too. We’re going to be okay.

We are. Wylie is still angry at him, he knows, and he owes him more than a few apologies for the events of today. He needs to talk things over with Leto, make sure he hasn’t damaged their friendship too far with his sharp words, and he still owes Bronte another apology. There’s also the matter of what caused Sophie to shatter in the first place and what they can do to help her, not to mention the Neverseen to fight and a world to change. But all of that can come later, and he knows he won’t be facing it alone.

For now, he leans his head on Prentice’s shoulder and listens to Livvy tell Wylie all about the incident involving Councillor Noland, several highly poisonous scorpions, and a sack of selkie dung, and in the background he can hear Sophie hailing her friends and Bronte and Leto commiserating about ‘kids these days’, and he knows he’s going to be okay. They're all going to be okay.

[loumauve]

Sneaking on here late at night (not THAT late, but I still should probably go to bed else the migraine comes back) to humbly request some Milu thoughts 💖

sorry for the delay in answering this one, but thank you for asking!!💕

✨MILU✨

alright. what is there to say about her that y'all don't already know and feel.. hmm

she's a precious bean, she is fierce and brave and adorable.

she presumably made the trip to Meridian all by herself (if there was more detail about her journey that I'm forgetting right now I apologize), she saw the struggles her tribe was facing and decided to step up and figure out a way she could help, determined to do her part even if it was against the Utaru ways, in order to help preserve them and their future.

she's optimistic but not oblivious to the things going on around her, she was obviously impressive and eager enough to catch Talanah's attention and be allowed to become her Thrush, and we know she can handle herself.

I think in a lot of ways she also kind of mirrors a younger Zo, though not as traumatised, hopefully. (though, who knows. don't remember if we ever learn more about her family, if they're still around and if so where, and how they're doing. so I guess in theory she could be dealing with more personal grief as well, in addition to the general Utaru grief over their lands failing them and their Land Gods' ailments) they're both proactive, caring individuals, who put the greater good of their tribe above the ways of the tribe when necessary.

anyway, the rest of the reasons I like her are more to do with shipping her with Beta (and possibly Sokorra bc why not. you know me and my love of ot3s. plus we've already talked lake Tallneck date night, lol)

I just think she would be the perfect candidate to get Beta out of her shell (and into the sun). and to be able to handle her at her worst, I guess. not to take her bullshit or lashing out without complaint, just to be understanding and willing to listen once she apologises. to help her heal from past hurts and trauma. Milu while exciteable still seems like a solid, calm character. like, someone who would listen if you had irrational worries or if you were struggling to stay present in the moment.

(am I projecting? naaaaaaah. shut up)

and she seems interested enough in what Talanah has told her about Aloy's journey thus far, that she'd probably be interested to hear more about Beta and anything.. focus-related. definitely more than willing to try and help with what's coming next.

plus, she's still in training, so getting Beta on board with that might not be a bad idea, she knows enough to help her with the basics, and the rest they can learn together. I think their different areas of expertise would be good and quite complementary.

also, she's cute. have I mentioned that? I just love her so much. her excited lil fists give me life and I just want her around forever and always.

also - she's definitely more out-going than Beta, so I think that would help as well.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw child neglect & abuse (for clarification, I am the host of a system)

Hello I'm looking for ways to improve how I deal with high stress situations.

Basically when I become overwhelmed for a long period of time, I get the urge to cry my eyes out like a little kid and call for my parent, or anyone who could save me. The issue is that I'm 20 y/o and I never had adults like that in my life. I have parents, but they neglected me horribly.

Because of this, I don't know what to do when it gets like this. I don't have anyone who can replace my nonexistant parents, I only have people my age or younger.

Of course, I don't want to have a literal substitute because it would be unhealthy - I just feel the need to have someone older, someone with more power holding me and telling me that I'm safe. I know it wouldn't solve everything, but right now I feel like I have no home. My extended family is like my parents, they're all abusing each other so I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I have a system and a co host who does a wonderful job grounding me everyday, but even if we can have our little home in the inner world, it's not the same. Besides, I'm the host, I need to be strong..

I'm terrified because I feel like the day I will make a mistake, there won't be anyone to catch me and protect me.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what y'all have been through.

It may help to think of yourself as the parent you wish you had, by thinking of what you wish someone would do in those moments, and doing it for yourself to the best of your ability. As a system, if you have a caretaker/caregiver, they may also be able to help.

Please know that even though you're the host, it's okay to not be strong and it's okay to not be okay. You have a big responsibility and it's understandable to struggle. You deserve to be proud of yourself for everything you're doing already and everything you and your system have survived.

If you can afford or access it, and unless you have one already, I strongly recommend looking into getting a therapist. Therapy could help you process your experiences, work on any system-related issues, and address high-stress situations with the help of a professional.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if y'all need anything.

-Bun

[mieczyhale]

can literally anyone who reacts to heartstopper, especially season two, take charlie's mental health into account before they say stupid shit??

i'm not really surprised by it from people who've only watched the show but when it comes from people who have read the graphic novels too i'm like.. my springroll in christ how do you NOT think about that boy's mental health every episode??

yes this is about the complete ban and charlie's parents reaction to him dating nick in the first place and then jane being jane. all of that from s2e1 - s2e2. and then every episode before and also after the fact. but those things in particular are where people seem to lose any empathy for charlie and it drives me up the fucking wall

as someone who has had shit mental health starting at some point during school, and who almost never did homework, and was just awful at school i can promise you that being banned from people is NOT going to make you do your schoolwork. that isn't a motivator, it just pisses your kid off and then they lie to you more and go behind your back (as we see in the episode) you gotta find some patience and some grace when you have a kid who is struggling

now granted - charlie's parents don't know about everything at this point in the storyline.

but the audience knows more, the graphic novel fans know MOST THINGS, and the graphic novel & novellas & solitaire readers know EVERYTHING and there is no excuse for y'all to be on the parents side. you know better.

"i see both sides" well stop fucking doing that. why are you younger than me and siding with jane goddamn spring?? what are you - neurotypical?? never been bullied?? you've got no trauma?? how do you know what we know and not back the character we're supposed to back?? or at least understand why he's doing what he's doing and not doing what he's not doing

[mothlegs]

y'all ever have the worst day but it's almost every day. i mean duh you're on tumblr this is how we live. but. idunno

i got home the day before yesterday, was at my grandma's for over a week to escape a guy i can't stand. yesterday and today i got into arguments about them telling me to just suck it up.

him assuming my mom is a drug addict because she's mentally ill is fine, him saying i'm choosing the easy path if i end up like my mom and aunt (who he knows nothing about and has never met) is fine, him saying the reason i'm unable to work or go to school or have relationships is because i choose it and want this, that's all perfectly fine. he just said a bit much, that's all, he doesn't mean any harm so just brush it off.

i guess i'm insane and unreasonable for disagreeing with that. i already gave him a second chance, the first time i met him he acted like i was a spoiled brat because i have an eating disorder that makes me unable to eat what they were having, which he had already been told, and what i described above was only the second time i'd ever interacted with him.

the staff member who picked me up yesteryesterday said she had been told he looked at someone inappropriately, presumably staring at the chest of an underage girl who also lives in my group. the staff member who told me about that is the only staff member that has been on my side in this. even my psychiatric nurse was shocked when she heard what he'd said to me, but almost all the people who work where i'm forced to live are fine with it.

i also went to my cosplay group today, second time ever. everyone was talking and laughing with each other, helping each other, having fun. except for me. i sat in a corner doing nothing for 2 and a half hours. i think i was the only one who didn't bring anything, which i didn't because i don't know where to get the materials i need and nobody in my life knew either.

even in the nerd club, which i'm very happy to be part of, i'm more alone and isolated and just different than everyone else.

everyone there is some kind of different, most of them noticeably. but even then i'm different. i don't quite fit into the flow of conversation, i don't know how to do things, i struggle with understanding basic things. no one else is like that there.

i love it there, but i'm still different. i'm still more of an outsider than they are. and it's not because i'm new, because ina is new too and they fit right in, he's good at talking to people and understanding things and everything, and on top of that she helps me with stuff.

and i'm just. this. i'm one of if not the oldest in all the things i'm part of, i think i've met one 17 year old and everyone else is 16 and younger. and still i'm the least capable one

and yesterday i went to see the place i'm moving, and it just. it felt even worse than here. the staff seem nice but i think they did here at first too, so it doesn't mean anything. everything is so impersonal, you can tell it used to be a nursing home. there's covid reminders all over the floors and walls. it feels even more like n institution than where i live now, and where i live now i used to not be allowed to go outside alone, and i can still get in trouble for being outside my room after 10pm.

it's all just. i want to die. everything hurts. i'm so done with all this bullshit and i want to go home but there is no home. there's nowhere to go. there isn't space for me anywhere. i can stay somewhere for a bit, maybe even three years but then it's out. i'll never talk to anyone i know other than my family, nobody outside my family has known me for more than 3 years. it's going to be like this forever

[magicsunwheel]

Why You're F#cking Amazing

Pick-a-Card

How to play: pick one of the photos below using your intuition. You can close your eyes and meditate for a bit or just take a few grounding breaths while thinking of the topic. Feeling drawn to more than one is fine! You might have messages in more than one pile

Pile 1 (x) Pile 2 (x) Pile 3 (x)

My pile numbers always go from left to right, then down to the text row (if applicable)

Pile 1

Cards: The High Priestess, Five of Swords, Seven of Pentacles, The Moon Rx, Five of Rods, Ace of Pentacles

You are so intuitive! You're either very in touch with your divine feminine or are working your way there right now. Something about you is severe in the most beautiful way. You can take things seriously when they need to and the way you command a room with just your presence is unmatched. Maybe you're also a tarot reader or involved in spirituality/divination in some way. Maybe you really like Pick-a-Cards.

Something beautiful about you is that you never give up on a fight, especially when you know the end is worth it. Your ambition is strong and you will fight for what you love and what you want. You are not weak-willed by any means.

This also makes you so unique! You work so hard and put so much labor into your love even if you know it will take a long time to come to fruition. The times that you feel discouraged by a lack of results are few and far between. If for some reason you do find yourself wistfully hoping for faster results or an easier path, you can easily remind yourself of why you started in the first place.

You might have moments where you think of yourself as sneaky or like you're hiding a part of yourself from others, like your true self would be too much for them. I'm here to tell you that your intensity is exactly what make you such a beautiful person! You thrive in competition and in adversity. It gives you a chance to show off your quick thinking and survival skills. Others look at you with envy of how you can make an opportunity out of seemingly nothing!

If you need help improving your self-love, Spirit says to stop comparing yourself to others! You are amazing and beautiful and unique all on your own! Throwing yourself into the fray to compete against others who are nothing like you will only fim your inner shine. And you really do shine! When I asked for a card about why you are beautiful, nearly half the damn deck flew out!

Sprit loves you and I love you so please take care of yourself and keep making those amazing opportunities to improve your physical surroundings. (I feel like you have a very clean room/home)

Pile 2

Cards: Nine of Rods, the World, King of Cups, Three of Rods, Ace of Rods, Two of Cups

Ahh the Loona pile!

Similar to Pile 1, but much more fiery! You are resilient! Taking time to collect yourself before pushing forward with a renewed sense of energy and purpose is such an amazing and useful trait. You maybe aren't as commanding of a presence but you have such an inner strength that no one can deny.

You got the World for the reason why you're beautiful! Maybe it's related to physically being very beautiful and possibly exotic-looking. You might have very specific features associated with a certain area of the world that stand out where you live. You also have such a wonderful understanding of the world and where it's currently at. Things can seem negative or like hope is lost but you still seek out the beauty and share it with others. You see opportunity where others do not and feel a sense of peace and connectedness with all of humanity. Wow!

Your uniqueness shines in your emotionality and compassion. You might be a natural born leader who makes sure to understand all under your rule. You lead with kindness and, most importantly, by example. You don't have any desire to use you position for ill-gotten gains. Power to you does not corrupt, it solely provides a tool for you to do good in the world and really make a difference in the lives of others, whether it's on a large or small scale. You are probably the kind of person who makes sure to give money to those who need it when you pass a begging mother and her children, or buying a homeless man a bottle of water on a hot day.

Your card for why you think you are not perfect actually came out quite positive. Maybe you don't have a very low self esteem, but I can see a few possible scenarios here. You might be constantly planning in your head, waiting and watching for the next move to take but never actually getting to the action part. Maybe you're planning for your future and have so much planned out that you're excited for, but haven't made the practical plans on how to actually get there. This could make you feel bad about yourself especially on days where you're reminded of others moving ahead in their lives while you're still planning. Visualisation is very important in manifesting your desired reality! If you are moving slower than others around you, remember that it is okay to not be where "everyone else" is. Life is not a race or a competition. Taking your time to get to where you need to be when you need to be there reminds me of the story of the tortoise and the hare. Quick does not necessarily mean better.

You can improve your self-love by creating! Using your creativity and passion to make something! Create art, whether it's physical/digital art, music, writing, inventing, anything that uses those creative muscles of yours. It doesn't have to be good! Just creating something will help burn up that excess energy you have that's trying to rush you somewhere. Self-expression this way can be a wonderful hobby even if you don't consider yourself as a creative person.

Your kindness really shines through. You care so deeply about the people around you and your spiritual team cares just as deeply about you. You are loved and watched over and protected by Spirit. Others around you also see your sparkle and appreciate and admire you, even if they don't show it. Know you are beautiful and amazing and bringing a light into this world that needs to be here.

Pile 3

Cards: Six of Rods, the Hierophant, Four of Rods, Six of Cups, Ten of Swords, the Hermit Rx

Damn, who are y'all!? You've got some mighty power and pull in this world. Maybe you're a public figure or have some kind of platform, like a social media with many followers. You could also be well-recognized within your field of study/work. Whoever you are, people see you and look up to you. They celebrate you and how amazing you are! Spirit loves this about you and you really shine in the spotlight. Your achievements deserve all this pomp and celebration!

You are naturally authoritative. People listen when you speak and take your words to heart. You might also be a religious person or someone who enjoys organization and the comfort of hierarchy. People will willingly follow you wherever you lead them because they trust you with all their hearts. "A merciful ruler" (lol) You hold your position with grace and dignity befitting a king or queen.

You are unique in ways the public recognizes, but we knew that already! You might be someone who likes to entertain and you throw the greatest parties and get-togethers. Maybe you've planned a wedding and everyone had such an amazing time! You know how to relax and have fun when the time for celebrating arrives. You can out down your guard and bit and let loose. Not many people with such responsibility can let go of the reigns like that, but you don't seem to hold on to control too tightly.

Your past might be a source of anxiety for you. Maybe you're worried that what you've done when you were younger will catch up to you and ruin what you've got going on now, but it's important to remember that the past is the past. It cannot be undone or wished away. Taking time to accept what happened and recognizing that you've moved on to bigger and better things is important here. Whatever happened, take time to heal your childhood wounds and forgive past actions.

Ending this cycle will bring much more self-love to your life. Old habits and patterns being out to rest is the way forward. It might be a painful ending and something you don't necessarily look forward to, but it is something that needs to happen to clear out old energy and welcome in everything new. You can't expect to move on if you're still repeating old actions or ways of thinking. It's time to set these things to rest and evolve. Leave behind what no longer serves you.

Your understanding of yourself knows no bounds. You've taken the time to inquisit yourself and learn all of the shadows that lie there. Self-reflection might be a favored pastime for you. Through this knowledge of yourself you are able to see truths that many struggle to see all their lives. Your light can cut through the fog if bullshit and see the true source of something. Use this knowledge of yourself to become the best version of yourself that you can be! I know you're already on your way there and it's amazing to see! Spirit is so proud of you and loves you so much!

[1111jenx]

What is having Uranus in the 7th like for you?

Hey love!

Ahaha I get this question a lot:D The fact that I have Aquarius DC AND Uranus 7th house have always sit right with me like Oh so thats why I'm like this💀💀💀and I've made peace with it😀 jk but I'll be more than happy to share you some small notes<3

🪐Uranus in the 7th🪐

(personal experience obv)

(also I'm into men so I'll be regarding my subjects of interest as he/him 🥰

Idealistic. I don't want a romance thats like anyone else and I hate feeling mundane if that makes sense LOL. I want someone who can be as quirky as they can with me and once they show me how much of a mad genius they are, I'll fall in love so hard y'all.

Introverts and Ambiverts 4ever. Perhaps this is wayy more of a personal preference but I have always believe in balancing out energy haha (Venusian household thing) And I don't like dating people who are too similar to me! I like men that are different from me and we can complete one another and therefore this create more growth for both sides😋 I'm an extrovert so I like them to be calmer and less out-going haha we can't have 2 jenx in the same room can we now

I notice a lot of fellow Uranus 7H are into open romances but my Leo Venus really grounds me tbh, I love too hard and for me love is so personal and intimate I don't see myself sharing my partner with anyone else:D Not counting casual flings ofc!!

Very progressive in terms of dating. I literally don't care about someone's past when I date them, I once joke about how unless you committed certain crimes (yes i said certain) and I do end up falling for you, then it is what it is. My prideful Leo venus would talk me out of it though especially if I don't see a future with you LOL

Attracting too much flighty people 💀💀 Like I know how I come off to others and while I do have a harder side to me, I also look for partners I can emotionally rely on (Venus 12H) in the long run:D Yet when I was younger I was around too much of them and it was draining for me as I always give my 100% when I'm invested

Attracting too much possessive people💀💀 I'm territorial, not jealous. Like honestly for me trust is something I care so much in relationships and I prefer my partner to earn it and I would never ever enter a committed relationship that lacks trust as a foundation🤣 I understand jealously but I don't think I find it cute like a lot of other placements, I think I get more scared?💀💀 Like oh ok what do you want now? Ofc its different but I'd rather my partner to talk to me if they feel such way rather than emotionally projecting their insecurities on me y'all

Issues with intimacy. Even in friendships, I need my space dawg. I take 3-5 business days when something traumatic happened and another day to resolve it. I would resurface a week or so and my friends, esp new ones are always mad MAD HAHAHAHAH and I feel so bad but I struggle to open up so much esp during my more vulnerable moments

Issues with the idea of love. You see this is where my aspects contradict. I believe in transparency and committed relationships yet I lowkey don't believe in DECADES LONG love as a result. I think this is me trauma dumping due to certain stuff I have witnessed when I was younger but all the cheating and stuff from couples that have been tgt for 30+ years rly make me question love lol. I think its so much different than marriage like for me I don't associate love with marriage at all and I think it takes other things aside love for something to work out in the long run, its also respect and trust, and wayyy deeper than what I'm barely scratching the surface here:D

Independent and confident people > everyone else. I like nerds LOL i'm not gonna lie brain is hot af. I think it takes time for people to be confident but people who are self-awared and are persistent with their goals is just *chefs kiss*

Literally mayb this is a Uranus 7H thing but I have had so many people coming up to me irl and tell me I'm the most unique friend they have ever had?😀 Since 7H briefly talks about close friendships and Uranus is.. well Uranus so I can't blame em💀

Ahhh I just woke up so I will rb this and continue this later boo:D But here are some of my experiences with this placement and while sometimes I do think its a curse, its a blessing at the end:) Working with 7H energy is not just understanding how others see and view you but also how you see yourself. I find myself attracting people who are shy away from the spotlight a lot and usually are not big fans of too much attention from the public(i can't relate lol), but therefore this speaks sm about me doesn't that mean I like to be the center of the attention then😀😀😀😀😀😀 HAHAHAH here are some very scattered lines of thoughts, hope you enjoy this beautiful 💕

love,

saint jenx🪐

[rosesastrology]

What does sag in sun moon merc venus say ab me? Im really proud of these placements for some reason lol

Im the one True™ sag /j

Sagittarius is always associated with travel, culture and wanderlust. In my experience people with a lot of Sagittarius placements, particularly in the inner planets, want to live life in a way where they create memories to remember. It's not necessarily travel (though for a lot of them, it's a part of it) but also creating experiences that are memorable, and doing things that make them memorable. I've always associated Sagittarius with morals and ethics, but it's a bit different from what you may think. It's not necessarily that people with a lot of Sagittarius are super ethical and morally knowledgeable. It's more that their belief system of what's wrong and what's right (regardless of what others believe) is very strong. They also tend to have some connections to religion, though in younger generations it's really like even if they're not religious they still value the lessons if that makes sense.

They're very curious, especially when they're children—but it's a theme that plays throughout their whole lives really, finding a balance between knowledge and ignorance can be difficult. They tend to find out to hat knowledge can be debilitating, freezing, and painful. Sagittarians treasure the truth, but actually having it can be painful. So it's a tightrope between knowledge that you may not be able to put to use due to circumstances and ignorance that is blissful, but where you always miss some things. Sagittarians are also very quick to understand topics, and honestly they're very smart (even though they tend not to feel that way). I feel like Sagittarians are more emotional, and at times unstable, than people realize. They tend to be quite emotional, and particularly on the subject of anger and hurt they have a lot of experience. These experiences are varied, but with those with a lot of Sagittarius placements it tends to be that their emotions are extremely intense but they struggle to understand them. Sagittarians are quite rational, and will joke around their emotions, but they are also the type to get frustrated with themselves and others quite easily.

Aside from these emotional vulnerabilities, they find it difficult to be vulnerable about it and tend to feel like a burden—so they may cope in escapist-like manners. Those that got their stuff together tend to have worked very hard on themselves, but luckily for Sagittarians their intense emotions tend to also be kind of like flares (note: this is different in those with lots of water, so I'm particularly speaking about people with Sagittarius placements in all or most inner planets) so they can overcome them quickly. Even though they can overcome it quickly, it shouldn't be confused with 'easily' because man oh man do y'all beat yourselves up. They tend to really understand psychology, but find it difficult to understand themselves or apply the theories and compassion to themselves. I feel like, despite the fact they feel very deeply, they tend to find it difficult to emote it outwardly.

Now, this has nothing to do with a lack of knowledge—they tend to be extremely knowledgeable, and skilled at the things they put their mind to. They are really the type to make their pain into a joke, at times it's damaging, but not always, there's a healthy balance. And to be honest, they're really funny (and no one makes them laugh like they make themselves laugh) and have a very.. modern sense of humor? Idk I feel like they dig that kind of harsh humor, but have their own twist on it in a way that isn't offensive but extremely witty and tends to be well-aligned with the world (depending on their beliefs).

They like being liked, even if it's for networking. They're really good at image management, and it's not (necessarily) in a malicious sense for the record. I know they're associated with luck, but I don't find them to be particularly lucky—they just have this spark in everything they do that has a childlike curiosity and humor mixed with a mature sense of understanding. It's quite impressive. Also they get away with everything. They also hold grudges, which isn't to say they don't forgive (cough, that's Leo, cough) but they remember it well. Even so, they tend to voice their concerns with compassion when it comes to those they love and hold dear. They're quite responsible, and tend to carry a lot of weight in their lives.

Sagittarius is often associated with Chiron, because of its centaur-like constellation. I prefer the Sumerian mythology, where Sagittarius is associated with the satyr rather than the centaur—and instead of Chiron its associated with Crotus. He was a great hunter and musician who invented the hunting bow and the rhythmic beats used to accompany music, as well as inventing applause to show appreciation to the arts. He was a companion of Mousai (Muses) on Mount Helicon in Boiotia.

[tinyboxxtink]

"Black Magic" *Part 3*

Alright y'all this took me ALL day to write [the entire rest of the story] and it took me an hour and a half to just edit this chapter. So I HOPE you like it. I had to find a breaking point it was getting too long, but the next chapter is coming like...maybe 30 minutes.

EEK!!!

Part 4

Part 2

Tag List

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-------

After saying goodbye to Maria and the kids Rafael took your hand and you both got in another Uber he had called.

“So where to now?” You asked.

“Well we're going to need somewhere to get this food,” he smiled. “So I'm taking you to my favorite place in the city,”

Soon enough the Uber pulled up in front of Central park. We both got out and walked to the front entrance.

“Central Park is your favorite place in the city?” You asked. “Kind of basic but okay,” you teased.

“Shut up,” he laughed, punching you in the arm playfully. “Wait until you see what part of Central Park.” He took your hand and you walked for a bit until you came across a fountain.

“I mean it's gorgeous but still kind of basic,” you teased some more.

“This is where we're eating lunch carino,” he told you. “The surprise comes after,”

You set up camp on the edge of the fountain and spread out the food. It was enough for a feast. Luckily Maria had included napkins, plates , silverware and sneakily enough she snuck in an old blanket that you could spread out.

“Oh my god.. this is so good,” You said in between mouthfuls of food.

“I told you,” he laughed through a mouthful of his own food.

“No like you don't understand. I've never had food this good,” You insisted.

“Oh no? The fancy lunches from work, not your style?” He smirked.

You stopped eating for a second. Had he really noticed that you took home whatever food the bigwigs never finished? It was kind of a detail that you never had guessed that he would even pay attention to.

“I have no idea what you're talking about,” You innocently replied.

“Sureee…” Rafael nodded with a smile.

“I'm sorry, please don't fire me,” You begged.

“Fire you? I think it's adorable. Trust me I would do the same thing back in my law school days when I had nothing,” He patted your shoulder.

“God do I hear that,” You agreed.

“Wait so you have nothing?” Rafael asked, concerned.

“What? No! Kind of…..I have enough.” You assured him.” It's not like I'm homeless or anything.” Oh my God this is getting worse. “I just mean like, back when I was in college I had even less than I have now.”

“Oh you went to college?” Rafael asked.

“Wow okay counselor I see where the snobbishness is coming back,” You acted offended. And you actually kind of were.

"Oh no no no, mi amor,” He put a hand on your knee, scared he had offended you. “Please don't think that I would ever think down of you. I think you are the most beautiful, smartest caring person in the world.”

He didn't even know you. That was definitely the spell. You sadly shrugged” it's fine,”

“No no what I meant.. I don't know I don't know what I meant,” He shook his head, blushing.

“Yeah you do it's fine you can say it Rafael I'm not going to get offended,” You assured him.

“I just meant... I don't know, or don't understand why somebody with a college degree would be temping, instead of using their degree for a job in their field. I seriously doubt you went to college for temping,”

“Well I don't know if you remember this since it was eons ago before you had money but living in New York is quite expensive.” You half laughed. "And when you have student loans to pay you kind of have to take what you can get even if it's not in your ‘field’,”

“I get it,” He nodded. “I totally get where you're coming from. I'm so sorry I offended you,”

“You know before today I would have stomped off and written you off as just the snob pompous asshole that I thought you were. But after seeing where you came from I know you really mean that,” You smiled.

“So…” he hoped to change the subject. “What exactly is your degree in? Something law related I assume?”

“Why do you assume that?”

“Well.. usually the people that apply to be my intern are only interested in kissing my ass and getting ahead in the lawyer corporate world. But you haven't done that.. Yet,” He raised an eyebrow with a smirk.

“Oh.. yeah.”. you look down at the ground nervously.

“What are you going to kiss my ass now? Because I'll gladly let you do it,” He smiled cheekily.

“No no!” You waved your hands. “I mean that would be nice but--I mean no, what?” You were flustered.

“You're adorable when you're flustered,” He rubbed your bright red cheeks.

“Haha,” you pushed a hair behind your ear. You thought to yourself “Well he's not going to remember any of this anyway so you might as well tell him the truth,”

“Truth is.. I may or may not have manipulated the system to beat out those other snobby law students to get this job,” You admitted, still looking down.

“Really…?” He looked at you suspiciously. “...And why’s that?

“...Because I saw your picture on the file and I thought you were gorgeous and I wanted to see that face everyday,” You blushed intensely, still looking at the ground, not able to tell him in his face..

There was a very long pause and then he put a hand on yours. You slowly looked up at him and he was smiling cutely.

“That is the most adorable thing I've ever heard in my life,” He grinned.

“Really? You think so?” Well obviously he thought so he was programmed to think whatever you did for the adorable duh.

“Yeah I don't think I've ever had a woman try that hard to get my attention. Or want to see me that much, or even think that highly of me,” He grinned.

“I mean it's not really thinking highly of you, just that you’re really attractive,” You laughed.

“Right, of course,” He was blushing even more.

“And that was even before I saw your butt!” You laughed without thinking.. But he really did have the best ass you've ever seen in your entire life. Everyday you walked into that office you just wanted to take a bite of it.

Rafael choked on his food. “I um…” His face was red hot now.. “Thank you?”

“Anyway…” He tried to steer the conversation away from his butt. “You avoided the question,”

“What question?” You asked. Completely in all honestly forgetting what you were talking about. Once you got lost in Rafael's ass your mind kind of went blank completely.

“What iis your degree in?”

“It's embarrassing,” You looked at the ground.

“What? It can't be that bad,” He shook his head.

“Well I say it's embarrassing to someone like you,” You half laughed.

“Someone like me?” He looked offended. “What iis that supposed to mean?”

“I mean I don't.. I mean the person that I thought you were before today,” You grabbed his hand.

“Well you seem to have really disliked me before today,” he nodded curiously. “It's like you don't know me at all.”

“What? Of course I know you.” You assured him. "I love you, remember? And you love me?”

“Yeah.. I do, but I don't know anything about you,” He looked away as if he was trying to figure out an equation.

Oh shit. What's happening? Was this supposed to happen? Wasn't wearing off? Oh God.

“It's a theater degree!” you blurted out, trying to change the subject. Maybe it would work. If you distracted him maybe this would take over again.

He turned his head to the side and stared off blankly, as if he was rebooting. Then he looked up and smiled at you. “A theater degree? That sounds exciting!” He was back to his “usual self''..

You let out a sigh of relief. However, you wondered if you had gotten him out of the spell, would he have freaked out? Would he have accepted it? Would he maybe start having real feelings for you? Well, it was too late now.

“Does it really though?” You rolled your eyes.

“It really does. I don't know if you would believe this, but I'm kind of a theater nerd myself,” He chuckled.

“No way. You? Nahh,” You blew a raspberry.

“Seriously! I had a bit of a theater bug when I was younger in fact. I wanted to be a big Broadway star” He admitted.

You couldn't believe what you were hearing. Raphael Barba the stuffy ADA of New York City as a big Broadway star? Yeah right!

“That's insane! You laughed. So why did you give it up?”

“Well.. as you know, being on Broadway isn't a great way to make money. It's more of a passion thing right?”

“So true,” You nodded as you were eating your empanada dessert.

“So.. I took a hard look at where I lived, and how hard my mom and abuelita were struggling and I vowed that I would get out of El Barrio. And make something of myself and be able to take care of them when I was an adult the way that I couldn't when I was a kid,”

You felt tears choking your throat once again for the millionth time that day. But this time it wasn't for you. It was for him. You really hadn't known any of this, to you he was just a pretty face. You actually had a lot in common.

“That is so sweet.” You pushed the trash between you away and moved up closer, pulling his hands into your lap and looking at him endearingly.

“Yeah?” He asked you with a half smile like a kid looking for approval.

“Yeah it really is. You gave up your passion for your family. I wish I was as selfless as that,” You said softly.

“What do you mean?”

What did you mean indeed? Did you really want to get into the story? Then once again you reminded yourself that he would have no idea no recollection of this after today, so you felt comfortable telling him your secret.

“Well….. You.... I came from nothing too. But all I could think of was getting out myself and never looking back,” You admitted in shame.

“Oh?” He looked at you curiously.

“Yeah, I was really passionate about theater and becoming a big Broadway star. With all the fame, and the money, and getting away from my small town in Jersey. So I threw myself into every activity, every theater, every play, every community theater, every performance, anything I can get my hands on. My parents were super supportive and never thought anything bad of me, even though they probably should have. They wanted me to have the world. And I took that for granted,” You began to get choked up.

“Why do you say that…?” He took your hand and squeezed it feeling like something bad was coming.

“They saved up their entire married lives to give me a college fund. I wasn't aware of it, but when I got accepted to NYU School of acting, they told me that they had enough saved for the first two years,” You continued, trying to breathe.

“Well that's good isn't it?”

“Yeah no totally, except I wasn't grateful,” You look down tears stinging your eyes thinking about how selfish you are as a kid. All I could think about and yell at them was how they didn't have enough for the full four years. How was I supposed to be a big Broadway star if I was still trying to pay student loans?”

“Oh Y/N…”.

“Yeah and that's not even the worst part,” Tears started stinging your eyes. You were lucky he was under some spell because he would definitely hate you after this under normal circumstances.

“Go on, I'm not here to judge you,” He pressed his forehead against yours. He realized how hard the story was taking its toll on you.

“One day it was my big end of semester performance and it was snowing. So my parents said that they weren't going to be able to make it. I screamed at them and told them that this was the biggest night of my life, and they couldn't be bothered to show up and what horrible parents they were and that they never cared about me and a whole huge temper tantrum like a 3 year old.”

You tried holding back sobs you had to make it through this whole thing without breaking down.

“No, honey…” He put a hand on your face.

”And so they tried…” You sniffed. They tried driving on the icy roads of Jersey to drive into the City and they served on black ice in the Jersey tunnel where they hit the wall and were killed instantly.

“Oh my god.. he whispered, “Baby I'm so sorry,” He grabbed you in a hug as you broke down. You just sat there for a minute letting him hold you while you sobbed into his shoulder.

“I just told them what shitty parents they were!” You sobbed muffled into his shirt. "And I killed them!”

“Hey,” he pulled your face from his shirt and looked you in the eyes. “No no you didn't do anything,”

“Yes I did! If I hadn't been such a brat and told them and guilted them into coming to see my stupid show then they'd still be alive!” you kept sobbing.

“No,” he took your head in his hands. “Look I didn't know you back then but I'm sure that your parents loved you and I'm sure that you loved them. That's why you wanted them there so bad. And sometimes it's just people's time. You didn't do anything wrong. Do you understand me?”

“Yeah.. I guess so,” you looked down. “I mean I was punished enough for it”.

“What does that mean?”

“Well I mean, obviously I was distraught from my parents dying. And that semester was the last one that was paid for. So kind of lied to you,” You paused to look at him apologetically.

“I had to drop out one year after that because I could only get student loans for that next year. And you had to have a certain GPA to get them to keep paying for the last year and I most certainly did not have that,”

“Oh...carino, I'm so sorry”

“Then me being me the arrogant bitch that I am, I thought well maybe I don't need a degree. Tons of actors don't have degrees. They can just make it on their own. So I just started throwing myself into auditions for about a year and a half, and I ended up living on the streets because I refused to take any kind of job. Telling myself that I was going to get my big break and be famous,”

“Oh my God”

“I know, right?” You laughed through tears. “I'm so stupid,”

“Hey you are not stupid,” Rafael grabbed your hands again.

“Yeah well, the first temp agency that I applied to had the first job as a personal assistant to a fancy lawyer. So maybe I'm not that stupid,” you smiled.

“Ah.. see? Happy ending. Maybe you went through all that to find me,”

“Yeah.. maybe,” You sadly smiled at him.

Although you knew deep down in your heart that was bullshit, because you really didn't have him. All you did was take another shortcut and be selfish and tried to take him for yourself instantly without any of the work. You were still a selfish bitch. And he didn't know that

“You know...if it makes you feel any better, you are lucky to have such loving parents,”

“What do you mean? Didn't you say you gave up your dream to take care of them?” You assumed that must have meant they were super close.

“Yeah well, for my mom and abuela..”.

You suddenly realized he hadn't mentioned a father.

"Oh? I'm.... No dad?”

“No, no dad.” He shook his head sadly. “I wasn't completely honest with you earlier YN,”

“What do you mean?” You took his hand, already knowing this wasn't going to be good.

“I was forced to give up my dream,” he replied sadly while staring at the ground.

“What?”

“When I was a kid I would watch musicals at my abuelitas house. It was the only place I was….safe,” He continued.

“Oh God.” You muttered.

“I would dance and sing all over her house. She was the only person in my life who ever supported that side of me,” he continued to stare at the ground.

“When my dad came to pick me up one day and he saw what I was doing…. “ He stopped again, you realized he was trying not to cry.

“Rafa…..”

“He tried to "beat the gay out of me.",” You saw tears dripping on the pavement.

You silently gasped.

"Not that I'm gay,' he quickly assured you.

"That was literally the last thing on my mind baby," you shook your head, tears coming to your own eyes as you pulled him into a hug. He collapsed into tears as you rubbed the back of his neck and whispered comforting words into his ear.

Finally he composed himself enough to finish his story.

“Anyway, he uh...he didn't just beat me for that. It was anything really. But I kept at it at my abuelas. She encouraged me even if she couldn't stand up to my dad. I can't blame her or my mother. When my mom caught me still pursuing it she told me to stop if I wanted to keep our dad around saying he wouldn't tolerate a….f word son,"

“Oh my god.” You whispered. You couldn't imagine your parents or any parents really, trying to discourage their kids from anything, and threatening them for being something they were so passionate about.

“Well I guess it didn't matter either way because he ended up taking off anyway. And I felt so guilty that we lost our only income, so my mom had to end up getting two jobs and my abuela moved in to help with bills that then I swore to become better so that I could atone for my sins,” He couldn’t look at you.

“Oh my god. Rafa, sweetie I…. That wasn't your fault., it wasn't your fault at all. He sounds like a grade a asshole,” You made him look at you just as he did when you told your shameful story.

“He was...is. I don't know if he's dead or alive actually. I haven't seen or heard from him since he left. I hate him so much,” he clenched his fists.

“Oh honey,” You pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“No you don't understand. My middle name is Eduardo, named after him. So he's always with me. I have always told people it's Antonio, because I want nothing about me associated with him,” He started to cry again.

After a minute, he looked back up at you very seriously. “I've never told anyone that story.”

“Really? Not even Liv?”

"Not even Liv," He stroked your hair. "I've never felt as close to her as I do with you.” He pulled you into his lap. “The truth is Y/N I have never felt safe since my abuela’s house. Until I met you,”

“Rafa…” You pulled him into a deep kiss, tears dropped down both your faces. “We can be each other’s homes now,”