#i dont know maybe the real sign it wasnt for me was when i was seriously considering not turning up for the second 'audition'

[talkorsomething]

Too [insert adjective here] for guard ...................

Well, it's only half related.

We "hit a pothole", "had a slipup", whatever you want to call it — sunday. Aka: for the sake of my sanity we are not labeling it a relapse but good god does it feel as though I have invited the demons back in.

I know why, but I don't really know why. Because, I mean... I never have, to begin with. So: when I decided i was doing it sunday, i accepted it. "Let it happen", as someone would probably say to me. It's not...

I've been thinking about it for a while now. It's like anything - it comes and goes, a few times a year, and no matter what, I always ignore it.

Except, maybe there's something I'm not paying attention to? Or, ignoring, is the better word for it?

Of course it would be the one thing I have happening in my life.

November, I was burnt out for unrelated reasons. It was a lot to take in. That made sense. Now? ... why now?

There's not really any pressure on me. Yes, I have to do things, yes, it will be noticed if they're bad, but ...... it's not important. We don't spend time on it. I'm coming back next year, but it might be at the cost of ... all of this. I think it's progress. I haven't touched my guitar in any serious capacity in over a year. I think it's progress.

I don't take compliments well. I can't tell if that's why I don't get them, but I'm not being corrected much either. Only when I drift too far from what the work is supposed to be, only after weeks of it going, I can only assume, unnoticed. I keep getting stuck.

...push it back down.

Telling me I'm doing good isn't telling me what I know I have to be getting wrong. I could take it, at the cost of... all of this. I'm anticipating, and I know it can come. This is not where I was when I started.

It's been said, I haven't been told, that not starting it means you're more of a burden, by making the other person have to do it first. I know that. I do. And still it doesn't help. I'm not drowning. It wasn't an accident, but it wasn't planned, either. I don't know you.

I don't know you.

I'm not a good person. I'm not a nice person. Every week I tell myself this is really it, and every week I come back, and ... what? Forget I ever said anything? Forget we're not friends?

Well, we're not, huh? Nobody is, with me. What you see I swear you misunderstand. You don't ask. If you do, well, I can't answer. We're at an impasse.

It's not even my fault we didn't make it. I shouldn't feel like this over nothing. I don't do anything. You will, correctly, not let me do anything, because potential doesn't matter if you can't back it up. If you won't back it up. I let things happen to me.

I don't even feel better. And, actually, ironically, i think i know what would let me feel better. If I can't be upset with anyone else, at least I can be with myself.

... but, well, not even that. Your heart in my hands, but I mean it diegetically. And metaphorically. I hate putting myself out there, I hate having to actually perform, and yet every time, no matter what, I do it. I'm fine. I only cared at the start, and even then not very.

I don't feel anything. Not a lot, anyways. I don't let it happen. I can't. I don't know what it'll mean if I start being honest with myself.

...

I've pulled myself out of this before. A few times, now. Different circumstances, but I've done it all the same. Seasonal depression notwithstanding.

I'm only here because I did things I was scared to. And still, I'm the same. No progress made. The only way out is to do it again but I feel like I can't. I can't.

Will someone just let me say that?

Will someone just fucking help for once?

[bunnyluvs-blog]

TXTs reaction to you pulling another members photocard

txt x reader fluff, silly short storys, slight angst in Taehyuns and suggestive in Huenings

Choi Soobin: He isnt one to get jealous really, well thats what he thought. Soobin was watching you open up your own Temptation Lullaby Version. Ripping the packaging open and flipping the first page when you both see the name Hueing Kai. Soobin wasnt upset per say, but he was just a little bit pouty because you didnt get his version. Going through the photobook and gushing over the solo poster you got, Soobin was breaking bad. Then you go to to see the photocard, and oh boy. You got the slightly older makane Taehyun. You turn to Soobin to show him the photocard before he gets up and puts on his shoes. "Soobin ? Where are you going love ?" you ask, your mind confused. "Target" he says sternly. "Why?" "Im getting you my version and my photocard" you couldnt help but giggle. He pouts, "Why are you laughing?" you calm down and pull him to you, kissing his cheek. "I dont need a photocard or a certain version, when i have the real one right here" He smiles, still with a small pouts and goes back onto the couch to cuddle you.

Choi Yeonjun: Opening up your Temptation Nightmare version you were so excited. You saw the photocards while looking online and dont tell your boyfriend, but you were dying for Soobins photocard. You look through the freebies, and you honestly really like the bookmark. 10/10 will use. After looking through the photobook and all of that, you get to the photocard. AND YOU GOT SOOBIN. You let out a little happy noise. You put him in a photocard sleeve and plop him on your desk. Later that night Yeonjun comes home, planting a kiss on your lips and telling you hes going to take a shower. He walks into yalls bedroom to head to the bathroom when he sees his blonde haired leader sitting on your desk. He grabs it and walks over to you. "What is this?" he asked not really looking for an answer. "Erm, a Soobin photocard?" you respond looking at him weirdly. "Erm" he mimics, "Why isnt it me" You hold back a giggle at his actions. "Well maybe if you guys put more then one photocard in each album i wouldve gotten you" You say and he glares. "Fair." He turns and goes to the restroom. You know he isn't actually mad but will act like it after his shower to get some cuddles.

Choi Beomgyu: He was so so so pouty. You pulled Huening Kai which did not make Beomgyu happy. You put the photocard in your holder on your purse, and Beomgyu goes off. "WHAT" you glace at him. Very confused. "Why is huening on your bag and not meeeee" He clings to you and pouts, looking at you with his puppy dog eyes. "Because i always put my newest photocard on my bag?" "Nooo you always put me on your bag" The last few albums you have gotten have been Txt albums, which lucky for Beomgyu, you've pulled him. But his luck has run out and the tall baby of his group is doing his iconic peace sign pose on your bag. You finally calm him down and you go to get ready for bed, little do you know. Beomgyu was putting in his photocard on your bag and taking Huening and putting him in your collection. Beomgyu didnt care about how you would yell at him about it in the morning, because at least he would 'be' with you through the day.

Kang Taehyun: He wasnt jealous at all. He knows how much you love him and no silly photo of one of his group mates was going to change that. Ok well maybe he was a little bit jealous over the fact of how much you were smiling when you pulled Taehyuns oldest member Yeonjun. It was a good picture of him no doubt about that. And the fact you were smiling so much about pulling him made he do a double take on who your bias was. It was him right? "Why are you so happy? Is Yeonjun your bias now?" He ask, not upset but with a light chuckle to maybe hide the fact he was hoping you would come cuddle him and smile at him 2x as bright. "Im ot5 !!" Owie, hearing he wasn't your bias made him a little bit sad. Your poor baby just wanted to be your favorite in everything. He knows it wasn't a big deal but why did it sting. You saw your boyfriends playful smile turning into a sad one just like that. "Butttttt if i had to pick it would be you, your so handsome and talented, your voice is good for so many things and I love how you use it when you sing." You say putting down the album and pulling Taehyun close to you snuggling into his chest. He wraps his arms around you and kisses your head. "I bet if he saw you he would think you're really cool too babe" You let out a giggle at his words before kissing Taehyuns lips softly and putting the goodies away.

Huening Kai: If any of the members were pouting before Huening throws it out of the park. He watched you open your album, showing off everything like you're in a YouTube unboxing video. Huening was all smiles until you got the the photocard. He was hoping that you got him, he honestly really liked how his photos came out. Everything was fun and games until Beomgyu showed up in your hand. "Ohh baby look I got gyu !!" You showed off the photocard not realizing that your boyfriend was pouting, like a little baby. Hybe was not on his nice side today for giving him the album with the wrong photocard. "Pfft you got gyu and not me!! Mine was better" you're boyfriend said trying to convince you to get another album to get his photocard. You smirked at him playfully "But I like gyuuies photocard, he looks good" "Yea well not as good as me !!" His pout only got worse as you teased him. And at the end of the day you would have to pay for it later but that wasn't on your mind now. "I should put him in a case front and center" you joked and Huening was hurt. "NOOOO HES GONNA REPLACE ME" he slightly yelled out, clinging onto you to hold you in place. You couldn't help but laugh. He was so cute when he was pouty. In the end you had to pinky promise him you weren't gonna swap the photocard and just put the new one with the rest. Which left you a happy boyfriend and a sore back the next day.

[chemicallady]

Heyyy, would you possibly be able to do a Noah Sebastian story that is like a brothers best friend dynamic? I live eat and breathe this stuff lol

I WANNA FEEL LOVE AGAIN

Couple: Noah Sebastian x Fem!Reader

Content Warning: slight mention of sexual intercorse. Nothing too deep, I'm saving it for next Chapters

Summary:  you're a real mess, your life is turning into a living hell, so your brother Matt convinces you to move in with him in LA and start working for the band he's taking care of

A/N: I dont wanna spoil to much in here, because... Well, you' ll see. English is not my native language and no one peer review this ff. It's gonna be a world of fun, I already know it!

Important! I don't know Noah or Matt or any of the real people portrayed un this story. This is fictional!

Enjoy then 😏

Ouch, I've lost myself again

You've always been around, unseen. Having a brother like Matt could be a blessing and a nightmare in equal parts. You were feeded with stories about gigs and musicians while grow up with your older brother, who is dear to you in a way that actually you cant explain. Matt as always been your twin flame even if you are younger than him. You grew up looking at him with a lot of respect and it broke your heart when he left Texas, moving to California. At the time you werent ready for the big change and your brother's friend were still a bit mysterious to you.

You were used to spend as much time as possible in his company, but with this fresh start for him, you just fell into the ordinary. Nothing against your life, by the way; your parents always supporting, best friends ready to drive you to the closer pub and deliver the best night possible, a lovely boyfriend who adored you in any meaning.

You loved the shit out of Shawn. He was your person, the one always there when you were in need. Your high school sweetheart. Maybe he wasnt your first kiss or your first fuck but he was the one who made you feel like it was worthy, living for someone else. The one who pushed you to improve yourself for your own sake, that helped you in finding a job for the local tattoo shop as a piercer when the school was over.

You did everything in your power to be the best girlfriend possible. You decoreted your shared flat in the warmest way possible. You turned down a good scholarship for that college in Montana, pissing your parents and brother for this lost opportunity. You gave up to your dream to be a writer because he had to stay in Texas and take care of his mom. You helped him through the loss, when she die.

But it wasn't enough.

You loved the shit out of Shawn and he loved you in return, but it wasn't enough.

Your relationship suffered a slow, agonizing death with multiple attempt of reanimation. Vacations togheter, a bigger flat, a cat.

Nothing compensate the distance between the two of you and he was the one brave enough to call it for a quit. You knew was gonna happen but it didn't hurt you less. Moving back to your parents, while quitting your job just to avoid to meet him everyday, took you to the bottom. Then the shutdown decided to kick you while you were already down, spending days in bed just listen music or watching anime whitout any chance to go out with your friends or for just a walk.

Everyone was really worried about you. You lose weight and that energy that always marked you.

And you stayed there, drowing in your own misery until Matt decided that enough was enough.

《 Pack your shit, you're moving in with me to LA. You're done making mom and pops that upset.》

The end of fall 2021 signed your rebirth. Matt found a bigger apartment for the two of you and Lucifurr, your vicious black cat which has an obsession in chewing cables and destroy everything paper made. You have always want to leave nearby the ocean and Malibu had a ton of opportunities to offer you. You started a yoga class the same week you moved, in order to make some new friends. Accoding to Matt, there are a lot of things to do around the band he is working with, Bad Omens.

You offer yourself as a merchgirl, but since you're a good writer an even better in tolerate people bullshit (you have to be karmatic, all the teens who came to get a piercing to the shop have always made a scene in front of needles), you could be perfect as a PR/assistant for the band. You remember them barely because someway somehow, these are the guys who steal all the time Matt has. Time that you never get.

You remember this four guys with long hair, basic metalheads, except for the drummer. You remember when you gave him the nostril after a show in 2015, maybe 16, and he took it like a champ whitout complaining. You remember the singer, this slenderman type of guy with beautiful long hair that looks like silk. You've never felt more envy of someone else hair like that. And also the other three guys were nice, especially Vincent. The only one who you can connect to a familiar face because you two got a nice conversation on tattoos when you visited Matt, three years ago.

They are nice.

You've heard stories about them at every phone call.

But still, thieves of precious moments that you want have again in your life again between you and your brother.

All the missing birthday, all the call postponed due to technical issues. He wasn't there to pick up your pieces when Shawn get a rid of you.

And Matt wasn't supposed to, but being selfish, you wish he was there.

But he is now and this is enough to bring the light back to your life. The long talks after dinner, movie nights, everything is back to the normal between you two since you moved and it's restoring.

With this wave of good mood, even if you havent forgotten Shawn yet, you enroll to gym, so you can work out after yoga.

And is in this specific place that you meet Eric.

The first time you caught him lurking at you you were running on the thremill.

There is something familiar in him but still, you dont know anyone in LA. You were the one who actually landed the first conctact with this new alien subject, so introvert to avoid your eyes.

《 Today is hot as hell, right?》

Talking about the weather is the easiest card to play. He smiled a bit shily to you before answering. 《 Don't tell me, I hate how hot is in here. Are you new? I've never seen you around》

《 I just moved in with my brother, actually. 》

《 You're a southie for sure. I like your accent.》

You giggle at his words, while he gets some confidence, passing a hand through this short hair. 《 you got me. You don't sound californian as well》.

《 Maybe because I'm not》. There was a moment in which he seemed to be doubtful, like he changed his mind and he didn't want actually to talk with you. He looked at you with a weird expression, like he realised something was off. 《 What's your name?》, he asked then, almost suspicious.

And then you lied. You rarely give your real name to strangers. A self defence mechanism for girls. 《 Vanessa. You?》

He looked more relaxed, 《 Eric.》

《 Nice to meet you Eric... Do you know a nice bar around? 》

《 Maybe I know a place 》 he reflected, smiling a bit malicious. He was definitely flirting. 《 Can offer you a beer or something? Just to welcome you in town.》

You are not ready for a new story yet, but after almost a year after you broke up with Shawn, you needed at least some human conctact. Eric was nice with you since the beginning. He invited you to this dive bar after the gym a couple of times, not far from your place. He paid for you a couple of cocktails while having a real nice Conversation. A superficial one, about the tattoos that covered him. About living in LA. You mentioned your brother a couple of times and he talked about his roomates and all the crazy things they have done during the pandemic.

He told you he is a Producer and you told him you're still unemployed.

One way or another, he got closer to you in a matter of days. And when he kissed you, you obliged and kiss him back. One thing leaded to another and the two of you ended fucking in the back of his SUV. And oh boy... you needed it so much. It was a quickie, but he seemed to be promising. His long fingers stimulated you untill you cried out for pleasure. His mounth divoured you inch by inch. And his cock....

He knew how to use it, let's say that.

After, he gave you his number and the two of you planned to see each other by the end of the week, at the gym, after your yoga class and his class of jujitsu....

The morning after you're fresh and relaxed like you weren't in months. Matt tends to be overprotective so you didn't told him about Eric while you were having breakfast. You need to know this guys deeply before accept that you know have a situationship. And your brother doesn't need to know about you screacting you itchies.

He has a hot temper when someone looks at his dear little sis.

After breakfast you got ready to meet the band again after almost three years.

《 I can't believe Vincent quitted. He was the nicest.》

Matt sighs while driving to the guys' house, mentally focused on the traffic. 《 youll see him when we'll be in Virginia, don't worry. 》

Your eyes slip on streets and houses, wards and parks but you still feel like You're in a new country. You don't know how much it will take to get used to California.

《 here we are》 , Matt says, parking. 《 let's refresh the rules.》

《 Oh c'mon, I'm not twelve anymore》

《 y/n 》

《 alright! I don't have to embarrass you while you're free to be mean on me. I don't have to embarrass myself talking shit just because I'm nervous and if the music sucks, I can't tell your precious Noah.》

《 You can do better but, more or less, that's it. Lets go. I need another coffe and maybe something sweet before start to film the music video. 》

It's so weird filming inside a house and not in a proper set but all this low budget bullshit are quite the normal for small bands, you think.

You have to be their assistant and eventually a PR- so Matt can stop to bitching on twitter all the time- and you know nothing about bands.

According to Matt, you're going to learn quick.

According to Matt. You know that he picked you up for the job so he can force you to write what he wants.

And continuing to bitch around through you.

The guitar player greets you at the door and introduces himself again as Jolly. The rest of the guys minus Noah are in the garage. It's marvelous how Orie, one of the guys who lives here, a director, reorganize the space with tubes and flashlight.

《 What's the name of the song, again? 》 you ask to Nick Folio, whos already youre favorite.

《 Artifical Suicide》 it's the answer, while he takes his place back behind the drums.

《So emo》 it's your honest observation that makes him laught. Matt looks at you in a way that if he could, you would be incinerated where you're standing. You're already embarrassing him.

Nice.

You regret nothing.

It's a lil sister job to make her brother in troubles, that's what pops always says.

Mike brings you a coffe that you accept with a smile, than tells everyone the news about the singer that is still not here.

A diva, of course. That's your first thought. Every singer is a natural diva.

《 He is still looking for the glove.》

《 He would lost his head if it wasn't attacked to his neck》 , a solid comment arrives from Ruffilo, immediatly followed by an annoyed reply from behind you.

《 I can ear you motherfucker. You are- what the fuck?》

You turn in time to face the famous singer and almost choke with the coffe.

《 Yo Noah, do you remember my sister, y/n?》

You see Noah turning pale for a second while trying to say something in return.

You're also speechless for a second, before putting your shit togheter so Matt wont finds out in the first five minutes. 《 Howdy! You... you cut your hair. Nice. I didn't know》

You didn't.

That's why was so easy for Noah to be Eric for almost a week. For a hook up with you. His best friend sister.

....Splendid.

You're fucked.

[liquidstar]

my big fat greek wedding is the realest greek rep in mainstream american media, not because its completely accurate- a lot is rooted in lighthearted sort of self-stereotypes, and is overall pretty shallow if youre looking for legitimate emotionally resonate representation of any kind. BUT thats also EXACTLY what makes it vibe w so many greeks anyway because we hardly ever see those very specific little eccentricities even mentioned, letalone be made the focal point, so we kind of love making fun of it in a way thats like "oh my god thats JUST like my thio maki!!! and thats just like thia calliope!!! oh fuck that ones just like me"

all things considered i dont think greek representation is like the most important ever or anything, but its so rare to see greece acknowledged beyond ancient stuff or mythology, or maybe the occasional jab at eastern europe, that its just... fun to see yourself and your family a little bit on the tv. it doesnt really get into the super deep parts of the culture or anything like that but its fine bc its fun. i think most greek families (esp of diaspora) have bonded to this movie because theyre just like us for real. before this, i think the closest thing id seen to actual greek rep on tv was from an episode of the suite life on deck where it was mainly just an eastern europe stereotype 😭 abt being hairy and playing with pig guts as balloons and shit idk. i mean also true but in a way that comes off as more mean spirited lol. but even then i was excited just to see our flag on tv and remember pointing at it to my mom so i cant say it was the worst. but hey!

anyway i like my big fat greek wedding a lot, wanna see the 3rd sometime too but never got around to it. it just vibes and is fun. and again like i said before, greek rep wasnt the most important thing ever growing up (even if it is super cool to see and does make me very happy to have our culture acknowledged outside of ancients!) but it does make me understand why representation is important in a more general way and why it means so much to people. and i also understand that it can mean a whole lot more to people whove been historically treated way worse by media. like, lack of acknowledgement is one thing, but outright malicious stereotypes are another. i do get this with lgbt+ rep too but since i was lucky enough to be born in a time where its becoming the norm i also cant imagine how it must have seen so much worse and then live in a world where every cartoon has 2 girls kissing. its not perfect and often corporate but... also a good sign

sorry this post is super stream of consciousness so its probably all over the place but i think my general thoughts are that ppl who shit on a series for having any kind of representation they dislike (being "too progressive" or something) is not only an awful unsympathetic person but also like. on the flip side will never know the joy of seeing yourself like that. but i do realize it also comes with the tradeoff of not being seen to begin with so its not like its a net positive but... those ppl still wont know! they will not understand the true joys of "[country] mentioned!!!!" when the country is The United States Of America. the end

[bi-buck-coded]

I have so many thoughts about how we get two sides of queer rep from Hen vs Buck (from what i can tell of the promo stuff) in this show but i dont know how to put them into words.

Something something we’ve always seen Hen proud and confident in her sexuality. Standing up for herself and not backing down because she doesn’t owe anyone anything.

Something something now we’re seeing Buck try to talk up his allyship and almost try to earn his place / prove he belongs. He doesnt seem ashamed of being bi but he’s seen himself one way for so long its almost like he has to prove that there were signs before this or else it doesn’t count?

And idk if any of that is true (we havent seen the episode yet) but i know that when i first came out i would try to talk up how there were signs i was bi all along because sometimes i was told i wasnt gay enough or some shit. So like im really just basing this off of my own experience. BUT THATS THE THING!! I get to do that now!! I get to watch this character and say “ive acted that way before and i know why i did it so maybe he feels the same way” now! Because theres actually a chance HE DOES.

Anyway i think that post got away from me but thats what i meant at the beginning. I have so many thoughts about these two different but valid and real versions of representation and it just makes me so happy.

[imaginationlover101]

One Way Or Another

Dean Winchester x reader

Summary: After Sam's findings for the newest case, which leaves both you and Dean in disappoint visiting the town of Broken Bow, Oklahoma turns to work out for the better.

"I still dont get the whole "plan" that's going on" Dean smirks and wraps his arms around my shoulders. "Dont worry you'll find out in a second."

Sam, Dean, and I had just landed another case in Broken Bow Oklahoma. Sam had found the newest case after seeing newspaper clippings of new lakeside properties gone rogue. What once were new modern lake house soon turned bug and mold infested.

Sam insisted that he saw a real case out of the clippings and the next morning we were out of Texas driving towards our newest destination. I still found the whole situation disturbing seeing how bugs was a big fear on my list, but I could never tell the boys. So when Dean stopped the car leading us to the newest bug infested property, I wanted nothing more than to run.

Inspecting the picture perfect town we were in I could already smell trouble. The town looked way to peaceful and something definitely was going to go wrong. Turning the car off Dean began to go over why we were here and what he thinks it might be. Sam and I were clearly not listening. Sam was too busy ignoring Dean since hes mad hes taken over the case, and I was too consumed in fear.

Dean was starting to get agitated that no one was listening to him. He could clearly tell that Sam and I were not paying attention. "Uh hello"

"You know I'm really starting to doubt this case is anything, I mean bugs that doesnt seem like our kind of thing." I could see both the boys turn towards me tilting there heads to look towards me from the front seat.

"What's the matter sweetheart, your scared of bugs." Dean turns to look my way from the front seat, scratching his fingers across the front seat to mimic the sounds of bugs. I swear sometimes that man made me so sick.

Slapping his hand away from the seat, I move up between the two boys and began to whisper, "What's the matter Dean, are you scared of planes?" Dean shushed me and slammed the car door.

"Wait Planes, Dean's scared of Planes!" Sam waits for my awnser and before I could even nod my head he starts laughing. But not any laugh, the classic loud obnxious Sam Winchester laugh. Sam looks my way and smiles, "I am so not letting go of that."

Before leaving the car Sam looks around seeing Dean was looking through the trunk. Leaning closer Sam whispers to me. "Are you ever going to tell him?" Blushing I start to move away from Sam, "Whatcha talking bout Sammy" leaning in I punch his arm. "Oh Y/N you and Dean are so much more alike then you give on."

Sam emerges from the car leaving me to be the last behind. Sitting in the worn out backseat of the impala I couldn't help but think maybe Sam was right about something, but I knew the case wasnt apart of it.

Walking up to the picture perfect houses that all look the same, I couldn't help but think that this was my life ago years before I met Sam and Dean. Life before the boys was different. Back then I lived similar to the people living on these properties today. All living the apple pie life with there happy families enjoying innocence. If it wasnt for John Winchester that one night ten years ago I wouldn't have been as lucky.

Dean directs Sam and I to the front door pointing at the open house sign. Sam and I had no clue what Dean was getting us into, but the minute the front door of the house opened it was game on. Dean stood beside me with his arm wrapped around my waist, while Sammy stood there with a smile.

The salesman's stands at the door with a wide smile opening the door wide inviting us in. "Well I guess you guys are here for the open house today." Dean laughs directing me inside the house and begins the introductions. "Yes sir, that would be us. I'm Dean and this is my fiance Y/N, and that handsome looking fella is my brother Sam." "Well we are open to any family's, orientations, realtionships." Immediately I turn to Dean waiting for him to say something.

"Oh no this isnt a 3s company situation side sir." The man begins to smile wider opening the door letting Sam, Dean, and I in. Dean let's go of my waist for s moment leaving a kiss on the side of my temple, and then suddenly hes off leaving Sam and I all alone.

Sam laughs and the two of us walks closer up the stairs near the front door to start our investigation. From our eyes (and the ghost detector) everything seemed to be fine. There were no signs of distress, or blinking red lights, no hidden mistakes behind furniture.

Opening the door to the bathroom I was investigating I started to look for Sam finally finding him in the hallway. Huffing my way towards him I knew this was a pointless hunt, "Well that was useless."

Turning around from his stance Sam begans to smile, no actully beam. Picking up the hallway centerpiece bowl he points to a hole hidden below the table. Furrowing my eyes since I was seeing nothing, Sam takes out his flashlight and shines the light through the tunnel. Below the the tunnel was filled with gunk and when taking the machine out it started beeping insanely.

Sam starts to take pictures of the hallway and the hole we found below the bowl while I simply held the flashlight over him. The simple act reminded me of a memory back at Bobby house between Dean and I. It must of been at least 9 o'clock at night and Dean was no where to be seen. Sam and I had already has dinner and for the first time in along time Bobby had a date. After dinner Sam read his favorite book and within 1 minutes he was fast asleep on the couch.

I was beginning to wonder where Dean was since I hadn't seen him all day so I began to search for him outside. Even though it had been a hot summer day, the temperature seemed to drastically drop and the air was much cooler. I regretted not bringing a jacket outside unknowing to me seeing as I would be outside for a long time, but neverless I still went outside cold and all in my sundress. Within 3 minutes of walking outside with a flashlight I already knew the spot where Dean was.

Almost as if he was directly under the moonlight Dean Winchester was hovered over his presious car baby huffing over something that went wrong. The minute I came besided him pointing the flashlight in his way he turned around and smiled "Sunshine you already read my mind." That night was spent in Dean and Is company for 3 hours in the cold trying to fix his car. I could of sworn my arm was frozen until Bobby came back from his date grinning and all. He parked his car and yelled at Dean for letting my outside without a jacket before going inside.

Dean turned around almost oblivious that I had no jacket on and began to touch my shoulder. "Jesus Y/N why didnt you tell me you were cold, you could of went inside." Dean pulls me closer pulling me into his side, rubbing up and down my arm trying to supply me with heat.

"I'm not complaining I got to spend to time with you." Dean stops his movements on my arm and tilts me near him so we both made eye contact. For a minute it looked like he wanted to say something more, his mouth was barely open and he was about to speak but nothing came out.

Snapping me out of my thought Sam begins to take the flashlight from my hands giving me a questionable look. "Well that was something else" "Tell me about Sammy."

Sam throws the flashlight up in to the air then pointing it my way bumping shoulder with me along the way. "I told you so." Looking at him with question I started to tilt my head. That was all Sam said before walking down the stairs back into the main hallway.

For a moment I wanted to laugh, Sam was so tall that when he walked down the stairs it almost looked like he was running, he almost hit his head a couple of times on the ceiling in the stairway because of his height.

Sam and I conversed through the rooms imagining what our lives would be if we weren't hunters, but like all good things the mood, well at least my mood simply faded when Sam and i walked through the sliding doors.

Placed in the center of a circle Dean Winchester was in his element. Surrounded by "milfs" Dean was seen to be in his heaven when they all came colliding near him like cattle. All the mothers hanged on Dean tugging at his shoulder, talking horribly about there husband, and gleaming into Dean's eyes as if he was their savior.

Dean's eyes widened as Sam and I walked outside and Dean began pointing our way. "See ladies this was the women I was talking about my fiance." All the women seemed to roll there eyes over me and wander straight to Sam. Like a bull to its predator, most of the women left Dean and walked straight towards Sam. I began to wonder if there was less of a bug problem in the town and more of a cheating issue.

Dean grins and point toward Sammy not believing that all the women went to him. Wrapping an arm around my waist Dean whispers in my ear. " I gotta mark my territory." Slapping his arm I began to lean on Dean's arm. " Please I dont have any moms chasing after me." " Think again sweetheart."

Turning around Dean directs my eyesight to the group of Dads sitting at the bar table. "Seems to me sweetheart you have some secret admirers." Slapping Dean's arm suddenly they all start to wave our way.

"Should we wave back?" I question looking at the over-aged men. Putting my hand up for a wave Dean begins to stop me "Well it depends on what you want for dinner tonight?" Putting my hand down I start to turn around. "Ewwww Dean."

Laughing with his ever so obnoxious ways, Dean guides me to make our way out of the backyard since Sammy was no where to be seen. Walking out of the yard Sam was I found talking with a boy who seemed to be no older then 18. Sam was talking back and forth with the teenager pointing to the box of bugs he held in his hands.

Walking to his car Dean looks towards the two boys and sighs, "Of course my brothers talking to the bug kid." Shaking my head at Dean's side comments I began to make my way towards the boys.

Unlike Dean, by making conversation I soonly l learned that "bug boy" was the son of realtors house. The block that the houses on were all new and built in the time span of a year. The realtors were all trying to sell the houses out as fast as the could to get the new property's off the market. But according to "bug boy", the grounds were built on ancient lands and if disturbed (which they now are) bugs would forever haunt the land.

Sam and I watched as our teen suspect walked back to his house as his dad was yelling at him. Sam looked my way with a sigh and I already knew he was thinking of his dad. Sam always got two short end the stick, while Dean just took the bad news and agreed with it.

Walking back to the car Sam already offered the front seat, and I accepted. Looking back at the boy and his dad I couldn't help but feel bad, Sam looks at me with the same though and we both start to look in the car. Sitting inside his famous impala Dean Winchester stares out the window singing "All out of Love."

"Is he singing?" Sam points at Dean through his tinted window. On usual days you wouldn't be able to see inside the car, but because off the sunny weather that appeard all of a sudden, you could see clearly. To top it off Dean left the passenger side window open a crack leaving Sam and I to hear him perfectly. Disturbing our eavesdropping Dean practically screeches the last lyric of the song.

Slamming the car door open Sam goes in the backseat while I go to the assenger side. Acting causal again, Dean switches to the rock station quickly before turning to face the two of us. Pretending like nothing happened Dean looks towards Sam and I "So whatd bug boy says?"

Sam hums for a moment leaning back on the leather seat debating on what to say. "Well for one thing he defintly didnt hear you screaming "All out of love". Dude I didnt know you were an Air Supply fan." Dean hides in side of the door, "Please dont act all innocent when Y/N I went out that one day in Clayton and you were all alone in the hotel. Dont act like i didnt catch you toying with-" "DEAN that's enough." " please Sammy its fine we all-" " Wait Dean, that why we went back out to get the "fries". You LIED!"

"Yes Y/N that's why we went back out. You see when a man has certain desires and I know its suprising even Sam has them, but sometimes it causes us-" Sam sits up in his seat pointing to Dean. "Okay thats enough, cant we just focus on the case." Huffing Dean looks my way, "Sure Sammy but remember next time take the video out when your done." "You know thats not fair! Last week you were in the bathroom and I didn't say anything- and. "

I couldnt bear to hear the boys fight back and fourth anymore about there problems. "Can you two stop! You've been talking about your-" pointing the lower region I look back up at them "problems for WAYYY TO LONG!"

Dean sighs starting the car up "Sure Y/N but being my wife and all i thought you liked-". Before the words even came out of his mouth my face was a deep shade of pink. Sam smacks Dean's head from the backseat glaring my way. Sliding down my seat I watched as Dean put gas to the car and off we were, leaving the prestigious house for a moment driving off to the hotel.

The heat in the impala was on perfectly adding the prefecture temperature to the cool autumn day and to no ones surprise Sam and Dean were still bickering back and forth. For a while there was no talk of the case, at least not until we went back to the hotel. Dean was the first one to suggest take out take out and both Sam and I agreed. We all knew that greasy burgers and fries were our weakness. Although the case of bugs didnt get solved that minute, the boys and I made up for it. Meanwhile the case did turn us on our feet, but that stories for another time. Although the boys bickered and make fun I loved them dearly, and deep down I knew Sam Winchester was right. If I was in love with Dean I would to show it sooner or later.

[neptune-ian]

ik most idols not going to date non fans but for those that have their fs as an idol it must be awkward to have ppl doing readings on them? like im thinking if bts members know about it and their fs isnt it just supposed to then happen at some time in their lives? like ppl who were panicking that it isnt themselves well ofc it wasnt going to be...

can you do a reading on how would bts fs first felt when they knew they were an idols fs / what they think of armies overall and if they pay any attention to bts music cause i feel like if they arent fan of their music then what would they want to be with the members for?

you would have to like them for their music or at least somewhat be a lowkey fan otherwise it would also be awkward than anything else cause a lot of armies would probs want to be with the idols for other aspects like the attention theyd get (both good and bad) money is another reason someone would want to be with bts but not for the genuine relationship and i think the stans that fangirl about it being themselves well they arent going to have genuine relationship otherwise bc a lot of stans might cross the line

honestly id be so curious though for when bts do go publicly in relationships (IF they ever do) cause if ppl are already freaking out about jks fs and now yoongis its surely going to be a dissapointment to many? so i dont blame bts for never speaking about their personal lives outside of the group itself cause they know how quick armies are to overreact to such news of them dating, in fact wouldnt be surprised if a member or two got married without telling fans and one day theyd be like hey btw they just got married not that long ago

and as much as i love kpop music and overall groups i dont think i could cope with it without feeling not trapped but kind of caged in by not being able to be open about it but also their fan bases, like im sure some idols like their western fan base more so bc theres different behaviours they display compared to knetz yet when they are grouped into one huge online "community" i think thats when things get out of control like it did for jks fs

idk these are just my 2 cents on the whole fs thing, sure some people would be idols fs but how can they truly know without being delulu? cause some idols are going to be like eww they wouldnt date a fan due to their fan base or they would maybe date within the safetynet of the industry and just not bother looking elsewhere, foreign idols most likely probs want to date other foriegn idols so the margin is kind of slim or somewhat limited in that respect as to who actually would have chance to date idol

Hi anon!

What you say is interesting and right. However I don’t read of the FS because some can be aware of me reading them which I do not want them to know.

What I know from my pov is that people connected to celebs (me for instance) we have HUGE mental breakdowns because of it, we doubt it everyday, find reasons and ways to say « well no, it was all in my head I’m fine » whereas the proofs are in front of us lol. So for the FS it must be WORSE than what we go through.

The delulus thought are not connected and misjudge their wishes as a connection. They have nothing because if you asked them some proofs where there is a connection they won’t give you anything. Saying « yesterday I thought of eating an apple and Felix ate 3 in this live » or « I wished to see Jay’s abs and he showed it » it doesn’t work like that. That is not a connection let alone a real sign.

I can’t talk for the FS because I am not them but they must have felt like a delulu too. They must have felt like they are/were obsessed over their future husband and if they have a good mental state then they may or may not have suffered from this. That’s not easy to know that you’re a celeb spouse with all the pros and cons.

If one of the FS is really lurking there on Tumblr trying to make sense out of their situation they may know deep down the truth but still reject it as they stay silent 🤷🏽‍♀️ if one had interacted with readers then they may like the readings and/or are curious about what is said. I can’t tell 🙃

But for those that are aware let’s greet them and show them how we respect and value them for who they are and not because they are someone’s spouse, have a curvy body, are known, rich, independant and stuff! They deserve love just lile they will give love to their partner ☺️

[mutiara-05]

A new heavy morning arrived again our guy has survived left his room with a smiley mask wearing is his daily task worried eyes he couldnt hide scared no matter who he's beside begging god to prove him wrong fade his fear like a beat of a song but the sky doors were shut it was real, the feeling in his gut slow steps, head down, heavy chest ready to give up not just take a rest went back to his room and closed the door dropped his bag and sat next to it on the floor when he tried to take the water bottle out the blue cutter shined bringing him doubt not once he looked at it but rather twice heard it saying "I write very nice try me now, on skin not paper give it a go I might be your savior" a loud sound distracted the boy hypnotized, moving like a stringed toy eyelids in love missing eachother maybe now their hug will last forever bare figure laying on the cold ground tired? or did he follow the sound? hours passed as he's laying down not moving, covered by the death gown sunrey creeped into the kid room fell on his wet cheeks hoping they'd bloom lightheaded, he woke in a red rose many small ones, like wine drops that blue friend was in the corner said "morning you pathetic loner" mischievous smile that speaks hate turns he's the keeper oh hells gate

the boy soul went down leaving a lifeless body behind facing this world with no pause option nor rewind his mask fell, he's broken and not so alive fake was the smile that made others think he'd survive used to show with fresh perfume and elegant style to impress now got a yellow face and dark under his eyes, clearly restless lower marks and slower moves cause no energy is left in him used to light up parties so no one knew how his mind is dim took off his red jacket cause he got red all over his skin switched to black with long sleeves to cover up his sin something is wrong and its alerting that everybody can tell "he used to run he used to fly, how come all of sudden he fell?" "remove your sunglasses, cap and dont forget the heavy scarf" but he's the one to grow smeraldo so these requests are rough someone got him a new water bottle so he leave his bag pocket that one doesnt know about the blue friend so why'd they get it? another one who knows tried to wipe all the red off of his desk but he already crossed a line and doesnt need a hint to take a risk some people used to tell him that he's not a human but an angel guess life really wanted to show him things from its every angle was kicked out of paradise so he came down to the earth six thousands and one hundred forty days after his birth he got so fed up and decided to just take his life away left a note to the stars "sorry I cant take another day"

hey little lost boy where is your blue flower? wasnt it the only source of your pathetic power? thinking you're brave going without it another hour? then crawl alone when your energy gets lower he left his phone a couple meters after the door and dropped his back in a corner on second floor on the third he lost his mind and went for more stood at the edge ready to fall from level four thought he would cry but no tears came out "if I don't fall now then I'll blindly cross the route" then stopped and wondered what is it all about took a breath while stepping back filled by doubt went back to the first floor and grabbed his phone up to the second to take the bag and leave alone saw another one beside his which froze his bone felt a shadow behind so he had to control his tone bright smile with a "don't overthink, we're fine" at ten became "bad" what was a "good" at nine he said and said "I got you this, it looks like mine" a door opened and both left like they got a sign

[rory-is-hiding]

im pretending to tell you now, in my diary, because i know ill never get a chance

mum, last year i tried to kill myself. it was august, and it was cold. it was a real one, i had counted the pills and calculated it correctly. i planned and i waited. i took them, with food and water so i couldnt throw up accidentally. i laid down to die. im not sure why i did it. at the time, i had my reasons of course. but im not sure anymore. the short answer is that somethings wrong with me. i dont think i need to explain the other.

i went in an ambulance to hospital. once id thrown up enough and they decided i wasnt going to die, somebody walked me into the psych ward and held my hand around a pen to sign myself in. i was disoriented, and scared, and high. i didnt know what was happening. i spent 3 weeks unable to drive or stand up too quickly. i lost 13 kilos and most of the feeling in my fingers and toes.

i was worried youd make it about yourself, if you were there. in fact i knew you would. i didnt call you and ive never told you. maybe i just needed something to be about me, maybe i needed to know that you werent going to be there when i died. that i was in charge of it all for once. maybe i was just sad, and sick, and it got dark outside.

[rotisseries]

the next cut is . after hours of walking. "these tunnels go on forever and we've been down here for hours." <- theo. "no real news from the  last time you said it 20 minutes ago." "i wasnt doubting thr plan 20 minutes ago." "if you're so concerned just go. i mean no ones forcing you to stay here." "yeah and leave you and our 'army' in charge of my survival? dont think so." "whatever it takes just to save your own ass, and just nobody elses." which is objectively not true. saved liam. saved scott. "im Here arent i? .. maybe i wanna be in the pack." he sounds so hopeful and . well. after he says that mason slows down and theo doesnt realize at first and looks back at him bc he walked past and mason js like "yeah Right. you-you expect me to believe that? " and hes breathinf HARD. he feels strongly about this "a pack js about trust.  i mean the first thing youd do is figure out a way to kill all of us. and and it doesnt matter who forgets. i wont." his hand is shaking on his bat in anger and fear and also because his leg got shot and its killing him and mason says "i saw scotts mom. i saw what you did. and as much as im terrified of whats down here, i am way more terrified of turning my back on you." excuse me while i wipe a tear. theo looks so hurt when he says that and his hands start shaking and he hadn't really shown any physical signs of fear until then. and then he shifts and tackles mason to the ground and its NOT what you think. HE WAS SCARED BC THE ANUK ITE WAS NEAR AND HE KNEW IT. HE SENSED IT. AS SOON AS HE TACKLED MASON , AARON SHOWED UP BESIDE THEM AND SWUNG A PIPE OR SUM WHERE MASONS FACE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE. he probably noticed his fear along with masons because of what he was saying and how hard he was shaking and sweating and . his voice cracking and . yeah. say what u want about theo but never say he's not perceptive. idk why i said that thats like one of the first things u learn ab the guy. core character trait. 

i need to talk about mason saying "and and it doesnt matter who forgets. i wont." because i know hes talking about liam. mason knows theo and liam are close now. in a way. liam is his best friend he knows why he was okay with mason leaving and being alone with theo. yeah sure he can handle himself but he knows liam sees theo's different now. masons not saying hes not. hes saying he's not going to let it go. that its something he cant erase no matter who he gets to trust him. BECAUSE HE KNOWS LIAM IS STARTING TO TRUST HIM AGAIN. (MAYBE EVEN REALIZES THAT THEO IS IS LIAMS ANCHOR) AND THIS IS WHY MASON HAVING THIS DEEP ROOTED FEAR AND HATRED FOR THEO IS SO BAD. theo knows thats his best friend!!!!!!!!! that no matter how theo acts now for years and years no matter how much he helps and sticks by liam, mason will never approve. because its him!!!!! and that fucking sucks. the CLOSEST PERSON TO LIAM besides scott!!!! literally like your boyfriends best friend telling you you'll never be good enough for them. that you will never be good. basically what happened. i can get worse tho. just a little bit.

shovel talk!!

[chewietalks]

heyyy!!!!

im super glad today!

i wont go to school for a while so im taking a chance to rest and im able to post again! (i cant rll be on my laptop or phone too much since the screen can give me a head ache and make my eyes more sensitive to other things)

so anywayyy what do you guys think about jake sully?

some people tell me that they wish neytiri didn't meet jake and that the "jake effect" is real but i dont believe that. i think that if jake wasnt there not only the metkayina but the entire na'vi race would have been gone by the second movie. In all honesty i think that everyone would have died trying to protect pandora anyway. Grace is so connected and attached to the clan and to neytiri she would have absolutely tried to do something to protect them. many people have said that he was the reason hometree was destoyed but in all honesty if jake didn't do it norm or any other avatar driver would've done it anyway. he was the reason it got destroyed so early but tbh RDA would've done it no matter what. as you can see in the second movie they have so much more stuff like those robots that build buildings in days and they've attempted multiple times afterwards to destroy and kill

neteyams death wasn't avoidable, tsu'teys death also lowkey wasnt avoidable hes a strong warrior and he would've sacrificed himself for his people in battle with the RDA maybe later then when he actually did, grace got shot by quaritch jake had no hand in it, all the other deaths are in battle which they probably would've had anyway even with out jake.

everything would've happened anyway, with jake or not. and tbh, eywa would have absolutely killed his ass if he wasnt welcomed by her, eywa protects the balance of life on pandora and as you can see in the first movie she kicked RDA's ass with all those ikrans and other animals. the pure souls aka the pure seeds rested on his entire upper body (lol) and we know that eywa showed a big sign because mo'at the tsahik of the clan aka the talker to eywa accepted him! so yeah, i think that jake honestly was needed on pandora and eywa knew that when he survived palulukan! not a single person of the avatar program survived a day in pandora (with out damage ofc bcs quaritch survived)

[pyjamaart]

"sometimes i forget that youre a robot."

"whaddya mean?"

"every time we talk and you mention things like 'gears' or 'metal', the realization hits me that youre not actually made of flesh and blood. im just not used to this. before i met you, the only exposure i had to robots were science fiction movies."

"i get that a lot actually. dont know what to make of that tho. is it a good or a bad thing?"

"im not sure. but if i didnt know you were a robot, i never would have guessed. i remember when honoka and the others first met you and she thought you were just a guy dressed in a mascot costume, hehe…"

"mascot for what? greenpeace? a manifestation of the dying forest? a guy posing as a tree whos actually made of metal and wires? reminds me of the mother 3 logo actually lol."

"whaaat? haha, no. i thought of something like a super market or a football team. i could picture you holding up a sign for a sale in the produce section, hihihi…"

"now that you mention football, reminds me of the time our dad forced us to play football against the light bots. shit was wild."

"i wonder, what were you originally build to do? before we all met."

"uuuhhh… destroying megaman. dont laugh, but im actually a killing machine."

"you- what? are you serious?"

"yeah dude. im dangerous."

"do i have to remind you of the time you tried to fight me back when we were still enemies?"

"it wasnt that bad."

"you lost an arm when you tried to land a punch on me. i didnt even have to do anything. you quite literally destroyed yourself right in front of me."

"i was just going easy on you dude. smh."

"of course you did."

"even tho, to be honest, when my arm went flying i was actually concerned for a second. i hate looking at my insides. seeing all those wires and tubes makes me feel like my thoughts dont belong to my body. like theyre too human to belong to a machine. idk man its kind of hard to explain."

"like your thoughts dont belong to your body?"

"yknow, i used to look different. since all of this shit with the channel went down, i sometimes feel like ive become an entirely different person. or robot, rather. i still have the memories from when i was built, when i fought megaman, the time i spent with my brothers… but all of it feels kind of disconnected from me, as if they were actually someone elses memories, not mine."

"maybe this has something to do with all the dimension traveling youve been doing?"

"maybe. hell if i know man. i remember back when i was still working with the voice, he once told me to my face that my existence was an accident. back then i just didnt care about it. i just said 'nice', like i usually do and moved on with my life. but the more i think about it now, the more sense it makes. am i even who i claim to be? or am i just some fucked up glitch that stole some poor robots identity and memories? i feel like i dont belong when im with my bros, like im just an imposter who acts like their real brother. lol yknow like the game."

"woah woah woah! youre getting a little too existential there for my taste! of course youre the real you, who else would you be? youre talking to me right now, arent you? your not 'some fucked up glitch' and youre definitely not an accident either. youre my friend. and i cant believe he said something like that to you…"

"thanks. i guess i really needed to hear that right now."

"of course. thats what friends are for, arent they? grounding you when you start to question your own existence."

"i guess. lol."

"that reminds me, you keep mentioning your brothers. are they at all similar to you?"

"heh. no, theyre nothing like me. theyre all fucking lunatics. but the lovable kind. they dont even know what i get up to behind their backs. feels bad lying to them this much all the time."

"they dont know?"

"dude what do you expect me to tell them? 'yeah listen im actually a dimension traveller, i manage a music channel in my free time and also all of you are actually fictional characters from some video game lol' i think you and me having existential dread over that fact is enough. no reason to make them worry about that stuff for no reason. that wouldnt be nice at all."

"well, youre right about that. i… try not to think about it. its kind of a scary thought. being the product of someones imagination."

"yeah, not thinking about it might be for the best."

[lovestrucksuggestion]

hey, sorry if this is too much or smth, but i really don't wanna tell anything to my friends i fearike it'd be "too real" AND OBVIOUSLY I WANT IT TO BE REAL BUT, i don't know, i feel like i'll jinx or fuck it up somehow if i tell it;;

hello, again, okay so, a few weeks back we had this thesis project 6 per group and ive had converstaions w all of them except for 1.

by this point i was lamenting over a past love, we werent necessarily together since we were like, idk 14 or smth when it happened and its been 7 years, we kinda drifted apart after graduation since i thought 'it wouldnt last anyway' and i kept rejecting their advances for a year or two, but i still liked them;;; anyway back in 2020 we got in touch again and i told them that i still liked them and i was just dumb and all that and they seemed to return my advances and ofc i asked if they were comfortable and not just going w the flow yknow and they said yes so.

i confessed and they said not yet cause of school stuff but they do like me still and so i said id wait, THEN it was all okay since we joke and all that but they always seem to reject when i ask them directly about us or like even just to meet up or smth, and ofc i get it so i try not to bother them too much until valentine's rolls in and they post smth on ig with them and their friends and theres this girl with a solo shot of her being goofy and smiling and i just.

idk i took it as a sign to stop since he always used to do that w me before so yeh.

and then like with school i just got lost in all it and directed every ounce of my passion so we finished some stuff quite early, theres only 2 big ones of them we needed to do so a member suggested to split the work between us six. one of thems easier than the other so i got grouped with the guy i havent talked to, kinda scared abt it but all was fine. i added him (lets call him graham) on facebook so we could talk in messenger about planning what to do and all that, then after i found that he's friends with another group member who happened to be someone im close with, kinda AND they messaged me so i asked whats up cause i thought it was abt the project and they reply with smth along the lines of "nothing, graham's just rlly overjoyed since u addrd him cause he likes u" AND IM WHAT CAUSE IM P SURE WEVE NEVER MET then he follows it up w "ure his type, smart and hardworking" AND I DONT HAVE THE HEART TO TELL THAT IM A FALSE ADVERTISEMENT CAUSE IM RLLY NOT ALL THAT AND IM SCARED OF DISAPPOINTING ANYONE

anyway they let it be and i didnt think much of it cause maybe theyre just messing around yknow so nothing much happened, we finished the project and everything's all right until we were grouped for another thing through our society/club whatevr and i was kinda nervous since its my first time meeting them and everything was fun actually turns out it was graham's bday last tuesday so i greeted him and we joked a bit cause wednesday's the club thingy, i didnt even know what he looked like since his pfp's from when he was a kid

wednesday rolls in and im in the library with a friend, a mutual friend of ours and he said hello to me and i was so happy somehow??? I DONT REALLY GET IT MYSELF I USUALLY TAKE SO LONG TO ACCLIMATIZR TO SOMEONE BUT LIKE THE CLUB THINGY WENT WELL AND WE WERE JOKING BY THE END OF THE DAY AND I JUST, i think i like him as well?? he even asked to take a picture with me he seemed so nervous i wanted to hug him I ACTUALLY THOUGHT ITD BE OUR WHOLE GROUP IN THE CLUB but it turns out it wasnt so !!!!!!

thursday comes and we messaged a bit (he chatted first, abt the thesis) we were in a seminar and i was a bit late that day so i was at the back and our other classmates r upfront w him so never really met, until a friend of mine and i were going home and we MET THEM ON THE TRAIN ISTG MY HEART WAS JUMPING UNTIL I GOT HOME SMILING LIKE AN IDIOT WHILE WALKING

okay sorry but like, tldr, im a bit afraid that i only "like" him cause he liked me first, yknow after i waited for the previous person and evrything for so long and receiving little to nothing ++ i think his expectation of me's kinda high im neither smart nor hardworking im just anxious all the time so i have to do my work quick or else i'll die and some part of me's still doubting his feelings for me as just a prank cause nsjdhbf idk im not really pretty too so whats up why is this happrning but he's so fucking cute (generally) and i am falling as well and im scared cause we'd be graduating in a year so what if this also doesnt end quite well and i end up losing a friend?

i kinda also wanna just come up to him and invite him for a date but yeh :( and yesterday my phone died and i was stoked to meet him but he wasnt at uni so i was kinda sad then i find out the previous person i like messaged me and idk they were kinda flirty and i feel bad if i leave them again cause ive done it once and i was only left with regrets so what if im just repeating history aaaa its so hard to like manage everything too if graham and i somehow manage to be together im not great at balancing things what if i let him slip away or smth

again sorry for this i just wanted to know what other people think i really wanna shoot my shot at the same time i feel like im a people pleaser so yknow what if im just doing this cause of attention or smth idk huhu thanks in adavmce if u answer this but no hatd feelings if u dont thank u boo

Hello, you seem very stressed out! Please take several deep breaths, put on some calming music and remember that none of this is life or death.

First of all, you're right to let this past love go, it's simply not in the cards and I'm proud of you for recognizing that. Throw the whole man away, if he makes you feel bad(even if he's not doing it on purpose!) you don't need that drama.

I'm not going to diagnose you with anything over the internet, especially not based on one interaction, but I will say that in this ask specifically, you are exhibiting pretty high levels of anxiety and worry that it might be good to speak to a professional about. Your university should have free mental health services, if you have insurance you can call and ask what providers they cover, and failing that, there are many therapists and psychiatrists who offer sliding scale coverage for low income patients.

Alright, now that's done, what needs to happen here is something that I know you will not like, but is pretty much mandatory-you need to have a conversation with Graham. It's okay if it turns out you only like that he's interested in you, and when you get to know him you're less into him. You're not asking him to marry you after all. It's also okay if you're not smart or funny or hardworking (I think you're being too hard on yourself, but even so, it's okay).

If you talk with him and express your interest, you can set a boundary on how you like to be complimented(i.e., low pressure compliments that don't comment on your abilities) and specify if you want something casual just to see how you vibe. Even if you graduate, you might stay together, or you might not. You definitely won't know unless you try.

Also, who cares if you want attention???? you're human, that's totally natural. You're not gonna go to Needy Jail for it.

All that to say:

go to therapy

figure out what you want (in general and from Graham specifically. You can do this in therapy)

stop talking to past love

start talking to Graham about what you want

remember that even if things end up less than ideal, it's okay

[hiraya-rawr]

I noticed you talking about college courses and I just wanted to share my own experience in it and maybe it could be a learning experience to others too? Hopefully hahahaha.

I was a graduate from ABM (hey yess im filo too ehehe) but I originally wanted to be in HUMSS because I wanted to do BSP ever since I was little. It was my only dream and my hope because I know it would be a job that I will truly enjoy. But unfortunately, my university was quite demanding. They forcefully put me in ABM because of my high grades in maths and I have no other choice but to take it because my parents wanted me to be in this "prestigious uni". So I endured 2 years of studying under the course that I do not like at all. It. was very hard, because I'm not even a person who likes business and maths and complicated calculations of assets and expenses.

Then fortunately, I had graduate from that hell two years ago. It was a relief to me. But then again, that was the start of real hell. Since I'm an ABM graduate, I dont know what to do anymore. I can't take my dream job anymore because I was in a different path now. I was truly lost at what to do with my life because I have NO PLANS about my future now that my only dream has been crushed. I tried going for BSP actually, but my parents protested that I will waste my 2 years of studying business if I will just take...what I want. I was a coward, because I didn't fight for what I want at all and I still regret that to this very day.

Moving forward, I blinding sign up to BSAーsince my Mom was an accountant and she wanted me to be...idk like her probably. This is were the suffering truly start. Studying something that I do not like at all was so damn hard. It was like torture. I wanted to cry every night I was bombarded with tons and tons of homeworks and its even getting harder because were at online classes.

I was entering my third year this school year, and thankfully, I was still...hanging on I supossed 💪😂 but what I wanted to point out is...um, DO NOT BE LIKE ME.

Pick out a course that YOU LOVED, that YOU WANTED, that YOU ENJOY, that YOU WOULD SEE YOURSELF IN THE FUTURE. Do not be like me who becomes a coward under the pressure of their parents lol. It was your life to decide, it was you who should decide for your future, not your parents or anyone. This is something I had learned in the hard way and I was still regretting that I didnt stand up for what I want before. But freshies who would enter uni for the first time COULD STILL DO IT.

Don't be pressured. Its alright to be unsure for now, but dont let it become to the point others will use that uncertainty to pick FOR your sake. Pick whatever you think you truly wanted and loved, not what others want and love for you :>

This become too long I hope I wasnt being rude 💦💦

YES TO ALL OF THIS!!! thank you for taking the time to write out your experience for others!

When your parents said they didn't want you to "waste your 2 years of ABM in SHS", I understood that, but at the same time (this is for the high schoolers out there) don't let your senior high strand dictate your college life! I'm a STEM graduate but I took a BS Interior Design course at a fine arts college. They were both my choices because I enjoy sciences and the arts! The adjustment period may be tricky, but you'll get the hang of it. If you have a different decision for college, don't be afraid to make the switch! :>

I have blockmates who don't even like drawing or design but almost every subject and project we have is related to it. You're going to exhaust yourself doing something you hate. And if you have difficult parents, don't be afraid to take this little leap and talk it out with them seriously. I know it's easier said than done but it's better to try!

Overall advice for those choosing their college is to do what you want :) and if you're feeling indecisive... well, don't go with something you hate!

[aperfectcircle10]

Letter to Zain.

What is love?

What you must know, to let go, is quite simply your FEELINGS matter.

 Especially in an intimate relationship. 

If you dont feel SAFE, seen, heard, valued, understood as the person you are - there is no reason to stay and waste your time. 

He is who he is, and he will not change for anyone. He is emotionally unavailable and also told me more than once he thinks he will be single at the end of his life. I truly believe he probably will be. 

You are not crazy. You are with the wrong person. A man thinking he is going to be alone and causing you to keep seeking clarity outside of the relationship to know you arent losing your mind is the sign the relationship isnt working. Would you agree? What do you think? Ask yourself. 

We could discuss all the bizarre things he says and does. I know there are alot. Discuss what you hope for, and why your hopes are always dashed by him ... but alot of those things are your own preferences and his preferences so you end up more confused looking at the whys and likes and dislikes (you should be able to discuss things like this but with him you really cant) Is one of the games he plays. You keep waiting for things to make sense and they keep getting more complicated and confusing overall despite happy moments sprinkled in here or there, overall things are going nowhere good and you know you shouldnt feel so bad. 

He isnt ready to love he wasnt from the beginning, he admits he will probably never be ready to love, and he is not going to change. 

Nik told me flat out he has problems with respecting women and that he doesnt see them as worthy of the same respect as men and maybe these issues come from his childhood. Is probably one of the most insightful honest things he ever said to me and if i didnt think you really deserve to and need to know i would keep his words a secret but you need to understand how he sees you in order to even begin to get away from the situation. Is so hard. 

You have to know who you are, and stay grounded in your own perception of reality. 

Dont beg him to change because hes not going to. He doesnt know how to change in my opinion. Accept the disappointment and heartbreak and walk away before you waste years not getting anywhere you wanna go in love. 

Im not any relationship expert, and because im not im not comfortable giving you alot of advice regarding love and relationships what things should be like. 

But its mostly common sense to me what im saying personally you should be safe talking to your bf/husband.. and they should care if you are happy and just how you feel in general. He will make you think these things are alot. Would you agree? You have to ask yourself because you are your way out. 

I can only tell you Nik I feel 100 percent certain is not going to love you the way you want him to (or any woman) no matter what you say or do, because he doesnt want real intimacy, closeness or accountability for your relationship. 

He will debate problems with you but will not resolve anything you bring up... endlessly. He will make you feel like you dont want the relationship (tell you its you, youre not happy and you dont love him) when all you really want is for him to care at all if you are happy with the relationship and that is completely normal in a relationship to want, you both should matter. 

No you dont expect him to make you happy. You are your own person. You are pretty brilliant from what I could tell, chasing your dreams. You just want him to care, and he should, or HE shouldnt be with you. 

Do you care if he is happy? of course you do. You want him to be happy, i assume? Is why you are seeking clarity. Because your heart cares.. youre confused

You need to be careful not to overexplain yourself to him. You need to deeply and completely internalize the idea that if he was the right guy for you he would care how you feel. Without question. Unless you simplify things you will never escape the arguing with him. Do not argue about how you feel. 

Intimate relationships are not meant to be constantly unhappy, unsafe, or confusing. You start going crazy nothing makes sense. 

The issue with Nik is the more you say, the more you overthink, the more confusing things become. You absolutely must simplify things. 

You love him and he does not love you. Is probably the clearest way to see things. 

From there you can vent your feelings to friends and heal. Because it does suck getting your heartbroken. And he is definitely the most confusing person I ever dated. He is great in theory and has moments so you just wanna hold on. It was almost impossible for me to get out. You cannot use logic, because you have to avoid arguing - you have to value your emotions. 

You shouldnt be seeking help, you should be able to talk to him. Safely. But you cant and you wont be able to at all. Is one of the reasons its so hard to walk away because you want the clarity you will never get from him. Is closure of the relationship but clarity with yourself is what you need to pull yourself out of the relationship. You have to be on your own side, you dont need his permission or anyone elses. You are not imagining what you are going through. Neither was I, neither was Panda. 

I wish you so much strength and a much better future. You can leave and life will get better in time if you allow it to. Life will not get better with him. 

Value your feelings. EXPECT your boyfriend or potential husband to do the same (reasonable). You are allowed to have some expectations in love and you really have to. Because him not valuing your feelings is why you are ultimately hurt and confused even if it seems like a thousand other things. Is the way I got out. 

🫀🔑

[pesterloglog]

Dave Strider, John Egbert

Act 2, page 386

TG: alright

TG: im out of my room now looking for my bros game

EB: oh, good!

EB: yeah, there is no sign of rose yet, i hope she is ok

TG: well if she comes back ill be ready

TG: you better know what youre talking about cause this could get ugly

TG: brought my phone and i also took my awesome katana with me in case things get too hot to handle

TG: and they always do

EB: you mean that cheap piece of shit you have on your wall?

TG: FU

TG: its sharp and its awesome and its a sword

TG: end of story

EB: ok i don't really care.

EB: i'm in my room again, i really think there's someone else in this house.

EB: like monsters or something.

TG: howie???

EB: haha I WISH.

TG: dude monsters arent real

TG: thats stupid kids stuff for stupid babies

EB: maybe. yeah you're right.

TG: what are you an idiot

TG: of course there are monsters in your house

TG: youre in some weird evil monster dimension come on

TG: skepticism is the crutch of cinematic troglodytes

TG: like hey mom dad theres a dinosaur or a ghost or whatever in my room. "yeah right junior go back to bed"

TG: fuck you mom and dad how many times are we going to watch this trope unfold it wasnt goddamn funny the first time i saw it

TG: just once id like to see dad crap his pants when a kid says theres a vampire in his closet

TG: "OH SHIT EVERYONE IN THE MINIVAN"

TG: be fuckin dad of the year right there

EB: ok ok stop!

EB: what do i do?

TG: what do you have a hammer

TG: man so lame

TG: ok whatever

TG: you should look into weaponizing your sylladex

TG: my bro is always getting on my case about it but man its not as easy as it sounds

TG: but if youre fighting monsters left and right you dont have much choice

EB: hmm...

EB: ok, i guess i can read up on data structures some more.

EB: how's it going there?

TG: im out in the living room hes usually here

TG: but i dont see him

TG: might be playing his mind games hes always pulling this ninja shit

TG: all i see is lil cal over there so i guess he cant be far

EB: hahaha.

EB: oh god.

EB: SO LAME.

TG: what

EB: see...

EB: i just don't know why you think it's cool.

EB: his ventriloquist rapping thing.

TG: oh lil cal? no man

TG: lil cal is the shit

EB: that's fine, you are entitled to your opinion, i am just saying that being a white guy who is a rapper with a ventriloquist doll is not cool by any stretch of the imagination or by any definition of word cool, ironic or otherwise. that's all i'm saying.

TG: yeah bullshit

TG: cal is dope

TG: puppets are awesome

TG: john egbert blows

TG: the end

EB: yeah, more like the opposite of all those things is the thing that is true!

EB: i'm going to read.

EB: good luck with your bro.