#i dont really wanna exist lately. im so tired. i just dont even wanna try.

[pizzapizzadickz]

I feel sorta shitty. My hip is sorta out of place so it's tweaking, and mt back is aching a shitload. Ugh.

[xatsperesso]

What if the boys know mc before going to rad?

It was 3 AM

Of course it was 3 am

I was just in the kitchen making myself a sandwich to avoid the existential crisis that's waiting to happen

And i do my lil-not-safe-around-knives-habit of closing my eyes and kinda doing things blindly when im tired. Then i saw a flash of light through my closed eyelids

That was the first time.

I open my eyes quickly and immediately see a chest

That is not my fluffy white cat's chest. That's a man

My eyes squint at the chest in front of me before looking for the head. It was fluffy orange head staring at my plate. The sandwich i blindly made using way too much cheese, pickles and tomatoes even though i dont like tomatoes.

I give the guy my sandwich

He smiles at me, gulps it then disappears

I really need to sleep. It's not funny anymore

--

The second time it's happened I was lounging in my living room enjoying a lazy day with my cat. Just scrolling through the tv, trying to find anything-

Ahem

I whip my head around and see green impatient eyes looking down at me.

"Did you summon me here to just stare or do you have a reason?" He glares at me

I stare back

He starts getting angry

I raise my cat's head as a peace offering

He looks at the cat, no anger could be seen and starts to pet it. I imagined the corner of his mouth twitching.

"Is that all?" I nod

"You're sacrificing this cat to me?" I pull my cat closer, profusely shaking my head.

He looks annoyed but he disappears like the first one

This isn't a one time thing

Dammit, i need to deal with this

--

It's taken me a couple of sleepless nights and endless research, but that's probably what i need to do.

I light the candles around the scripts, try my best to pronounce the words correctly, and wait as smoke encases the room.

"You are in the presence of The Great Solomon. Tell me, young sorcerer, why-" i grab his black robe and stare dead in his eyes

"Is talking to demons dangerous?? Will they steal my voice???" I ask as my voice wobbles, tears threatening to fall

"It's just that last time he was talking to me and i was afraid cause this has never happened to me before but it felt so rude not to answer when he started asking me and it was like he was judging me and-"

"Woah woah, calm down! Demons cant steal voices unless it's in the contract" I stare at his awkward, uncomfortable smile trying to find any signs of lies

"Thank fuck" I let out the hugest sigh of relief, and let go of the sorcerer "I sorry, this has been stressing me out but i shouldn't have grabbed you like that. Tea?"

"Yes, thank you, and it’s alright. This is why i made it possible for magicians to summon me. I take it that you've been summoning demons lately?"

"Nah, they just sorta appear out of nowhere"

He blinks at me

I blink at him

"What-"

--

I was engrossed in the horror movie. The music was getting louder. They were hiding from the it. they were running. One of them tripped cause of course they have to trip. The music is so loud now. They barely manage to hide-

"I, THE GREAT MAM-" I scream so loud the white haired demon gets startled.

"O-OI! What’s yo de-" screams from the tv interrupts him as the character got dragged by that-that thing and it started torturing them for fun-

Lots of screams, huddles, and complaints were heard that day

--

"Gosh, i wish they weren't so busy today" I sighed as i continued playing mario carts alone "i really wanna kick someone's ass"

Just say the word and god will deliver

The light appeared once again, and out came a blue haired demon and-ohmylord is that a tail!

Thank whoever keeps summoning them, now my boredom will cease to exist

"Ugh, why did you have to summon me now, normie"

...Ya know, maybe im not that bored

Still, i pick the extra controller and toss it at him. He caught it with his tail (damn i want a tail)

"Wha-! Don't just throw controllers-"

"Wanna play? I bet I'm gonna win"

The demon stared at me for a second, looked at the tv to see the mario cart game. He seemed tempted

"Tch, I'm not gonna lose to some normie" he plopped down besides me and chose a character

...I'm gonna decimate him

--

"Hah! Noob"

"Shut up! You must be cheating!"

--

My cat gave me something

This was the first time

I was not ready

A red-head suddenly appeared in the living room

He looked mildly confused, but was smiling nonetheless. He looked ready to say something, probably cheerful.

I burst out crying

That made him panic, and that's probably when he noticed the blood in my hands

My cat gave me a headless bird, and that left me shaken

Somehow, he ended up cradling my hysteric form as i cried

After i calmed down and thanked him for trying to comfort me, he said it was nothing and left

He looked very confused the whole time

--

Halloween was around the corner, and i decided I'm aiming for traumatizing people.

i took out my make-up, pulled up a 5 minutes craft video, and tried my best to imitate.

turns out im very good at make-up. it looked like someone cut up my face and blood was oozing out!

of course, a demon had to show up now of all times

i look at the light, and the demon comes out of it twirling like a ballerina.

he seems like a weird guy

"You've summoned me, Asmo-oh my! you're hurt. sorry, but I'm not really fit for this kind of things" he said, eyeing me up and down "unless you have a good payment for it~"

"...ignoring that, I'm not actually hurt. This is just make-up!"

"Oooh! That is pretty good, would fooled anyone! but it's not cute at all. let me show you how to look hella cute" he comes close, nabbing a make-up sponge out of nowhere

"W-wait! I'm doing this for halloween!! I want to look scary!" He grabs the makeup remover and grabs my face

"C'mon, sweetheart, scary is overrated! Just let Asmodeus take care of it~"

--

Once again, it is 3 am. I need a better sleeping schedule.

I'm in the kitchen making some hot chocolate, when he came. In all his grumpy glory holding a pillow.

"Dammit, what the fuck do you want, human"

Oh

His voice was laced with malice

His eyes stared me down with hatred

He was murderous

I need to be careful around this one

...but

It's 3 am. I'm tired. Too tired to deal with this shit.

I return to my hot chocolate on the stove "want some hot coaco?" He squinted at me, warily

Fair. I'm a stranger after all

"What kind of ploy-"

"Just hot chocolate" i grab more milk, more choco. Maybe I'll add more marshmallows too "I'm planning to drink some at the roof. The stars look bright tonight. Wanna join?"

He was still untrutsful, he was still wary, but when i put a cup im front of him and headed upstairs, he followed.

He just sat quietly, i tried my best to not look at him a lot, try making him feel safe.

It was nice. We didn't talk, we stayed far away from each other. He left his cup for me to clean.

But it was nice

--

Shit shit shitshitshitshi-

That's all i can think of as i scramble to get on top of the table. Im so not fit for this

A light, my savior, appeared leaving behind green haired demon

Yes, he's gonna-and he's already on top of the fridge, staring in fear

"WHAT Are you doing?!" I screamed cause what the fuck??

"You must have Misunderstood something. I am not to be summoned for such things"

"... WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF YOU HAVING ALL THIS DEMONIC POWERS IF YOU'RE SCARED OF A FUCKING RAT"

"May I remind you that you too-"

Meow

"*Gasp*, Satan!" I yelled in relief as my fluffy hero came and chased the mouse out of the room

"Pfft"

"You got a problem with my kitty?" I grumbled, getting off the table on shaky legs to get tan-tan, my hero, some treats and cuddles

Unlike a certain someone who's still on top of the fridge

"Not at all, it just reminds me of someone" he hopped off the fridge and came to give my kitty a few pet

I smiled. Seems like demons like cats.

Or maybe satan is a demon cat

"if that's all, i will be going then. I still have duties to finish"

And just like that, he vanished.

Squeak

Oh. Right.

The mouse is still in the house somewhere

--

Alright, time to work

I'm sitting cross-legged, tablet on my thighs, stylus in my hand and trying figure out how hair works

"Ah. Where...am i?" He asks, looking very confused

A bright light, much brighter than any other appeared, and the person who came out of it seemed to glow

That's a first

"You're in my house. You don’t..look like a demon?? Sorry if that..offends you?"

"Don't worry, I'm not offended at all" he waved his hand dismissively "I'm not a demon, though. I'm an angel. Were you trying to summon a demon?"

"No, they actually just suddenly appear around me. I didn't know this could happen to an angel"

"Well, i didn't know an angel could be summoned" he looked kinda dazed

Im not sure what to do

"Are you..okay?" He looked at me for a moment, a soft smile plastered on his face

"No"

"...do you, want to drink something? I could fix you some coffee"

"Yes, that would be delightful. Thank you" he slowly dropped to the ground, staring at a spot on the wall

It was very awkward until he realised he could just leave

I think he's got an existential crisis to deal with

--

This time I didn’t see a bright light, i heard a 10 year-old scream

I ran out of the kitchen, an egg still in my hand to see who the fuck is screaming in my living room

Lo and behold, it was a 10 year old

"Wh-where am i?! Why am i here?! Did-did you do this??!" The kid was near tears at that point

"Hey, hey hey, calm down" i slowly drop to my knees "it's alright, buddy. i know suddenly being transported here is very scary. Is this your first time?"

"Alright, thank you for telling me," he's glowing like the other angel. An angel too? "You're in my house right now. Do you know how to do magic? Like teleports and stuff? So you can get back home?"

"Y-yes" he's still near tears. He’s also far away from me, untrusting, but he's not screaming. I call that a success

He sniffs, then lowers the arms that were shielding him

"No, b-but I'm sure simeon will know that I'm here and will come get me!"

"That's great! But it might take him a while to figure out where you are. Do you wanna help me make some cupcakes until then? You'll of course take some home with you" he brightened up at that. So cute

"Y-yes! What kind of cupcakes are we making? Is that the kitchen? I happen to have these ingredients that are from the celestial realm and will make the cupcakes taste better!"

I smiled as i entered the kitchen behind him. He's so cute

"Seems like you know how to bake"

"Of course! I love baking things, and all the angels say that my baking is good! Don't worry, with me here your cupcakes will be the best cupcakes you've ever tasted! Simeon says that-" and like that he's taken over my batter and started adding stuff to it, only needing my assistance when something is on a higher shelf

An hour later, the same angel from before ("Simeon, look! We made cupcakes! Want one?) Came and took the lil' guy ("what's your name? I'm luke!") Away, promising him that he can have more play dates with me when I'm free

The guy, Simeon, looked like ge has yet to recover from his existential crisis

--

And just like that, the demons and angels kept being coming

"Oi, you will not believe how much money this scheme got me-"

And going

"Sorryy, but i gotta go now. How about we go to that centre next time?"

They kept coming with their antics

"Hah! Noob"

"At least not a normie anymore"

With their surprises

"What do you mean you're the prince of devildom? How the fuck do you keep ending up here?? Aren't you supposed to be the hardest to summon???"

With their favors

"MC! I am so happy i got here I've just found a new recipe in this book can we try it??"

With their worries

"My twin has been acting weird. He’s less objecting of lucifers plans, but its..very strange? and of coming out of nowhere"

Some still get shaken whenever they come

"Oh. I'm here again. I, thought it was gonna be that one time. Ha ha."

"...how about you sit down. On the couch this time"

And some decide to leave the second they see my face

"Oh, my apologies, but i must-"

"You will sit your ass down and you will drink the tea i make you or i swear i will-"

...Some have found out my address and just decided to make my house theirs

"Hey, apprentice! How about we learn how to-"

"Solomon, we've trained for 5 damn hours yesterday. I'm not uttering a single spell until I, at the very least, eat some damned breakfast"

I started learning more about them

"You named your cat after me?!"

"Your name is satan?!"

I started seeing them grow more comfortable around me

"I don't like humans, but, maybe not all humans are bad"

"...that sound kinda racist-"

"You know what I mean"

Months passed by, and I'm pretty sure i became close with all of them

Until the unimaginable happened

I got summoned

In a flash of light, i was somewhere else wearing different clothes(do their clothes also change?) I looked around to see-

"Guys!!" I screamed happily, it's always fun being around them

"MC!!" They screamed, their enthusiasm matching mine, but they all suddenly froze

"Wait, you know mc??" They turned to each other very confused, and suddenly questions were thrown, their voices growing louder and louder, and im just looking at them contemplating whether to break up the fight that will inevitably star-

"Silence!" A black haired demon suddenly yelled, and everyone stopped yelling "how do you all know of this human?"

Everyone stared at him, gears turning in their minds.

"LoL, Lucifer's the only one who doesn't MC"

They all joined forces (except for beel, the sweetheart) to tease black hair( Lucifer?) Over not being summoned before

"...are they always this loud?" I turn to Barbatos, who's looking very amused

"Yes, they've always been like this"

"Did you really never meet Lucifer, mc?"

"Ive heard of him. They always complain about him, especially satan and belphie"

"Well, worry not! I'd be more than glad to tell you all about Lucifer! I know the most about him, as he's my right hand man after all"

"...I thought you were talking about Barbs, your literal butler. The same guy who's taken care of since you were a baby" i heard a sigh from the greenette beside me

"One can only dream"

-- *bonus*

Knock knock

I looked at the door tiredly. Why would they willingly come to me at 1 am

still, I get up to open the door, and behind it was no other than Lucifer.

Weird, i could've sworn he was trying to avoid me all day

"Ahem, i apologise for disturbing you at this late hour. May i talk to you for a moment?" I let him into my room, then plop myself on one of the cushions on the floor.

He looked at me hesitantly

"You dont have to sit on the floor. There are chairs over there if you want" i say, but he shakes his head. He then attempts to, very awkwardly, sit on a cushion on the floor

Alright then

"So, what do you want to talk about" he looks out of his depth. Like he doesn't know what to say

Fair. No one knows how to talk properly at 1 am, and he looks like he'd rather get a seizure than talk in anything less than formal.

So I just accepted that this might take a while, and started playing with a rubiks cube satan gave me

I hate this cube

After a long moment of lucifer staring at me, he sighed

"I heard that you're the reason belphegor's..views on humans have changed"

"I guess that's what happened? I'm not really sure I'm the reason though. All I've done is give him some drinks or food, lend him my bed and occasionally talk to him. I didn't even try to change anything" i scratched my neck. This is somehow more awkward than Simeon's first visit

"Nonetheless, you were a big reason for what my brother's change, and I've noticed some changes in my other siblings. Positive changes."

"Well, it's nice knowing that I'm a good influence?" I really want him to just get over it. It's late and he's in my room and it's just very awkward

He looks at me for a moment, open his mouth to say-

"For fuck’s sake, Lucifer, just thank them already"

"Belphie! What are you doing in the exchange student's bed?" He asks very accusatory, as if he's not in the 'exchange student's' room so late into the night

"He’s been passed out there since dinner"

"And where were you planning on sleeping tonight" that's a trick question that i know the answer to

"LoL what's sleep" and i instantly regret saying that. That was not the right answer. His face is screaming it

"Just stay out of trouble, human" he gets up and goes to leave the room

He stops at the door way, and looks me in the eye

"Continue being a good influence on my brothers" then he closed the door behind him

"Don't worry," belphie yawns in his pillow " he's just like that. I'm sure you're be able to turn him around"

"Just make sure not to capture his heart too" he mumbled as he went back into deep slumber

Hah. Don't worry belphie

There's no way someone could like me in that way

I continue tinkering with the cube, solving it a couple of time, forget how to solve the xube and get frustrated, and before I knew it the sun was up again

Another day of trying to survive the boys' shenanigans

And I cant help but smile at that

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

Someone liked my post about how Amren should have to drink fae blood and since ive been on a pretty big vampire kick since about october of last year Im just thinking about what if acotar was about vampires. first of all, i think sjm writing vampires would make me very angry, i hear that the way she writes fae makes fae-fans really angry and I can definitely see why even though i dont know THAT much about fae, I just dont have a whole lot of personal investment in the accuracy and interestingness of fae lore, but I am highly invested in vampire lore it would make me pretty mad but I think itd be more fun for me to complain about, so what Im saying is sjm should totally write a book series about vampires

But anyway, lets get back to my initial thought of 'What if ACOTAR but vampires'. honestly, theres not much to get back to because Im basically just rotating some vague aesthetic bullshit in around in my mind. Oh, also I just had a thought, what if Feyre had to experience episode one of the hit-netflix miniseries Dracula (2020). I think she'd kill that old man if im honest. OH wait no, speaking of dracula series

Okay so, imagine this: at some unspecified point in the future, Feyre gets sick and tired of Prythian and leaves, I was gonna say Rhysand died before that but i dont wanna imply that she only left because he died and also I remembered that stupid death bargain existed. So she leaves and she actually goes back to the mortal realm, but she goes to the continent instead of returning to her home village, she wants a completely fresh start and shes like, pretending to be a human too, shes hiding her ears and glamouring herself and whatnot. With her shes brought some faerie lights as well as all of the stuff she needs to make a whole lot more of them, because shes gonna sell faerie lights as this groundbreaking alternative to more traditional light sources. So she rolls up to the scene, this hot mysterious foreign entrepeneur, shes enlisted that mercenary from all the way in the beginning of ACOTAR to help her in her endevour, and shes got all these suits who have a vested interest in maintaining a monopoly on light sources so theyre doing everything they can to prevent her from getting faerie lights of the ground, but Feyre simply keeps evading them. At some point she aquires a boytoy with whom she does not have any kind of sexual or romantic relationship with its exclusively professional and for the sake of her faerie light business, Feyre ends up seducing her boytoys fiancee and just absolutely destroys her marriage. Thats when those light source suits come back in, they have still been trying to bring Feyre down while shes been busy seducing but now theyre back at the foreground, and they approach the boygoy being like "hey, we heard that mysterious weirdo stole ya girl. Well, shes in danger of stealing our profits as well so how about you sabotage her and destroy her business and life" maybe they would mention something about her being a dangerous fae as well but idk, theyre like capitalists so Im not expecting them to care that much about the danger. But whatever, boytoy says "sure I'll do that" and he goes over to this big warehouse/factory type building where they make/store all the faerie lights. Feyre is about to give this big show where she properly shows the public how the faerie lights work and how you can replace normal lamps with them, this has been planned for months now and theyre storing all these lights in one place. So boytoy goes to where they store all the lights and he fucks with them a little, and then Feyre goes up on like a stage in front of am audience holding a faerie light and shes giving this presentation on how they work and whatnot, but as she goes on she notices that theres something very wrong and she realizes that all the faerie lights are about to EXPLODE OH NO so she tells everyone to run away, get out of town as quickly as possible, but its too late; she just barely manages to save her girlfriend/boytoys fiancee but everyone else dies in this massive explosion that just completely destroy a good chunk of the town. And then Feyre and her new gf have sex in the rubble, i think? Idk, and then after that they decide to travel a bit and live a quiet life and maybe try the whole entrepeneur thing somewhere far away from the town that feyre just exploded

and thats my pitch for an acotar au based on the hit tv show Dracula (2012)

[docilepillow]

MARCH 2024 MEDIA DIARY 2

I ran out of embed space on the first post i had slotted in for this!!! So i'm making two posts!!!!!!! They belong together!!!! Okay!!!!!!! PIZZA TOWER < this game is soggy goop >

Even though I cleared a good portion of this game nigh a year ago now, i still feel compelled to put it on my media diary now, as i've only just got around to finishing the game properly! I believe the point i dropped off the game before was at Pig City, which, i think , is kinda understandable given how big that level is, but, was probably a real bummer for the whole of my friend group who were super into the game when it was new and i probably missed out on talking about it alot with them... POOP!!!! just because this game is popular enough to actually warrant talking about it with my friends later, instead of saying stuff like how i enjoyed the silly cartoony art stlye and the games general charm, im just going to post a level tier list i made the second i beat the game at like near midnight kinda hazy-minded without thinking on it too hard without thinking too deeply in a way thatll be completely inflamitory bc im mostly satisfied with the experience i had and dont really feel the urge to P rank anything --

The stats are saying my total hours round up to 6 hours 50 and pepinno is pointing at me Aughh

My , , Errr, " CRITISISM " of this game is that the funny pizza man is a little, erm, STICKY? Kinda gross. a little weird. Partially my fault. I'm sowwy. I'm not very good at this game but i absolutely respect everyone's opinion on it . Go watch my friend @shoppncart's speedrun, by the way, it's cool :

Speedy! THE MARIO MOVIE < the bario boooby geheheheheheheh >

this is probably a tired opinion but since i was subjected to this movie for the fifth time in a voice call my take is thaat this is probably more enjoyablel then the safeass illumination film. like. yea. that films probably objectively better but. id rather watch something thats an actual adaptation. like this movie. where basically nothing mario happens outside names . Aw. i honestly think this movie has intrigue to it genuinely maybe im saying this bc its one of the movies ive actually watched repeatedly before, like roger rabbit, but i think the history behind this movie and the old anamocity turned-endearment are what make it worth watching. that and its a little goopy You Guys Wanna See Some MM2 Proggys? not a new piece of media technically but ive been playing a fuckton of MM2 recently still as of the end of the month and its absolutely dominating my time as of late, and i kinda wanna show off a small amount of the progress ive made on it, as much as the world map, at least --

It's a media diary. it exists to document MY gaming life. Deal. anyway in regards to it i'm almost finished with the world 4 castle, which is crazy, because before i hadn't even finished world 2, but now i got all of this creative energy in me... If i finish this soon enough, i'd be able to upload it on NSO, so keep your tumpler eyes peeled, mutrals :J I personally like it because theres a theme of aescending on the world map. The space theme in this looks the best, i think.. THE ALCHEMY OF US - HOW HUMANS AND MATTER TRANSFORMED ONE ANOTHER < what the fuck ????? a book ??????? >

yea thats right im reading books this ones actually pretty good apparently a 2020 bestseller though im not in the habit of reading those often so i'll just have to take their word for it on that aspect. i think lifes all about trying new things so around halfway through the month i picked up this cool book i found at my library and got a library card. After reading through it all, i think anecdotally that this book is a very neat read. theres a few sentences that're a little offputting to my young mind but overall the book is filled with alot of cool insight i reccomend checking out if youre the boooky type of person! i think its very good and im glad i picked it out :) i donnu how many of these will be going onto my media diary in the future or anything , but maybe i will if i end up reading more! I'll have to make it up to a friendd for waiting till now to put up something i read here first before that thing she likes. oops.

Volp. OUTSIDE of the traditional media format again, also, are things i largely started on this month but don't think i'll be making all too much more progress in, or if i'm unsure i'll finish what i was doing all in one month- CASTLEVANIA THE ADVENTURE- REBIRTH

POINT OF DROP OFF - STAGE 4 END BOSS REASON BEING - UMMM SORRY I GOT DISTRACTED AND DIED TOO MUCH

castlevania rebirth is a really really cool game. its really cool and im not typing this as fresh as everything else because it was something i picked up for one big sitting earlier in the month. i probably couldve finished it at any point during the week, but simply was too distracted and wanted to do other stuff. It's very cool though, i love the vector sprite art, and there ARE silly stock sound effects everywhere, which is always a big positive for me . I mostly just like how snug the wii classic controller is , and this is a cool game to play it with considering its one of the only non virtual console or old game collection style games available for wii in this exact style ( Not counting the good handful of games that choose to use the wiimote on its side instead. )

over all ill probably sit down and finish this someday soon i just gotta like find time for it whenever next my wii u is plugged in ( it fights for an hdmi slot with my switch and ps4 all the time...! ), and ill probably end up trying to play punch out wii at the same time, given one doesnt dominate my attention over the other. From my understanding they're both short, though, so it shouldnt be too big a deal or obstacle no matter how long i put this off. RANDOM TERRARIA PLAYTHROUGH terraria playthru 1million

ii just really want to see the new terraria update Waaaah... i stopped having fun because i self imposed myself to not use setbonus armor sets at the part of the game where that stops being acceptable anymore so im stopping i think i did get to make another terraria pet though that makes me happy POINT OF DROP OFF - the mechanical bosses

also the most recent thing is

i got too tense and needed to excuse myself after like an hour 30 i cant take too much tension in movies i was really uncomfortable and had to leave to take a breather bc the main character gets put in a really really shitty situation and it was getting hard to watch for my autistic ass

thats enough i think thanks for coming see you next month lol

[ethernetchord]

lets talk: popular iwwv criticism

(disclaimer: i know criticism is subjective and thats why im doing this, i wanna look at some common points made against iwwv and dissect them just a little bit in the opposite direction. also none of this is directed at any individual- it’s all based on the general talking points i’ve seen surrounding the book.)

SPOILER WARNING !!

lack of exploration into james and oliver (+ gay characters feel performative)

i’ve seen loads of people say that oliver and james’ relationship felt very performative, a way of including the queer romnce which clearly is very important to the plot but not actually giving it any space in the novel, nor developing it to the same extent which meredith/oliver was.

oliver and meredith had a very strictly physical relationship and while he did love her, he wasn’t in love with her the way he was with james. the juxtaposition in the way that oliver/james is delivered and the way meredith/oliver is delivered is, i believe, far too repetitive to not be intentional. i actually realised upon re-reading how much focus there really is on meredith’s sexuality, even in subtleties in the book. meredith and oliver get more blatant sex scenes, get more physical parts because oliver was (to an extent) using his attraction to meredith to distract himself from his infatuation with james.

we also have to remember that oliver and james didn’t get their real moment of honesty about their relationship till extremely late into the book. i’d honestly see it as more ‘performative’ to then after or in the middle of kind lear throwing in some wild sex scene between the two. it wouldn't have fit.

“why didn’t james and oliver get together earlier then >:(((“ because the slow burn between them, the subtext, the subtle-ness, the yearning, they were all crucial to the decision which oliver made at the end. the fact that they burned so bright for each other but (oliver particularly) were so desperately repressed, that was what made this such a tragic romance. yes its tiring to read stories about queer people being repressed, yes its tiring to see the bury your gays trope. but like oliver says, it goes beyond gender.

if oliver’s second love interest was a girl, and treated this way, we’d be a lot more on board with these tropes- but the fact that james is a man, and this therefor becomes a queer relationship, makes it feel performative. i can’t convince you of anything- but i like to believe that their relationship being treated like this not only makes it so much more “heart wrenching because why! why couldn’t it work out, why couldn’t it be better!” - not because its a queer relationship but because they were soulmates.

alexander wasn’t performative. not in the slightest, rio just didn’t make being gay his entire identity. same goes for colin. just because they’re queer doesn’t mean it needs to be the only thing about them. this isn’t a lgbt novel- characters dont have to be gay just for plot. they can just be gay.

i’ve also seen people complain about not just making oliver bisexual. guys. did you read the book? he was bisexual. he was emotionally and physically attracted to both meredith and james. guys that’s literally what bisexual means.

i'm totally on board with the coming out scenes! and realisation of feelings and all that stuff- but again, not an lgbt centric novel and also- these were things oliver probably did and realised far before this book. remember that its set in 4th year, at an art school. he knew he was fruity ok. not every queer character in every queer book have to have these grandious coming out scenes or realisations. the lack there of doesn’t equal performance.

the ending was rushed and bad

believe what you will, but i don’t think james is dead. there’s a little too much ambiguity in that ending, in the extract he leaves oliver, in the “his body was never found.” so if your main quarrel with the ending is that “bury your gays” situation- please know there’s a chance- and that giving it that chance opens up so much more discussion and reader response.

yes, the ending is sad. but it’s not rushed. “but that is how a tragedy like ours or king lears breaks your heart- by making you believe the ending might still be happy until the very last second.” doing king lear, doing macbeth, doing romeo and juliet, the plays are chosen not only for reader convenience (they’re plays readers will most likely be familiar with) but also because they all, so very deeply, foreshadow a “bad” ending. killing james, makes sense. as much as people don’t want to hear it, from an authorial perspective- from the reader’s perspective and as a human being it makes sense. why do keep arguing that he “should’ve stayed alive for oliver” or that “if he really loved oliver he wouldn’t have done it” - why are we limiting a character’s entire existence down to their love interest. yes, they were best friends, yes they were set up as lovers but that doesn’t mean that that would be enough to keep james around. james was a fragile character- he was always checking with oliver if he had upset him, he was always worried, overthinking, james wasn’t strong minded- and he was suffering. the only person he had left to depend on was in prison, he was plagued with the guilt of causing the death of a classmate and letting oliver take the blame, if he did kill himself, it sure as hell doesn’t have any reason to sound forced.

“its not nearly as good as the secret history!!!!”

to be honest here buds, why the fuck do we keep comparing them so insistently. they are not the same book. iwwv wasn’t trying to be tsh 2.0, yes there are similarities because hey! guess what! books in similar genres tend to do that! always comparing it tsh when they have different motives, different plots and vastly different execution makes no sense. the only reason that they are compared is because tumblrtm dark academics like to group the two together. and yea- makes sense, but stop trying to belittle iwwv because it isn't as grandiose as tsh, because it’s a little more literal, because it’s not as intertextual as tsh. half the people saying iwwv isn’t as good as tsh are practically just subtly going “shakespeare isn’t as complicated as ancient greek huehue” stop forcing the two together and let them be separately appreciated.

the characters were flat/archetypes/etc

sigh. okay.

these characters are actors. this book shows us their transition from themselves entirely into a conjunction of the roles they’ve played and the stereotypes they’ve portrayed.

“we were so easily manipulated - confusion made a masterpiece of us.”

“for us, everything was a performance”

“imagine having all your own thoughts and feelings tangled up with all the thoughts and feelings of a whole other person. it can be hard, sometimes, to sort out which is which.”

“far too many times i had asked myself whether art was imitating life or if it was the other way around”

“it’s easier now to be romeo, or macbeth, or brutus, or edmund. someone else.”

are you seeing it now? this focus on their archetypes, this focus on the character they are; the way they see themselves not merely as human but as a walking concoction of every character they have turned into and out of. they depend on their archetypes to give them meaning. rio uses these archetypes to remind us of the submersion of her characters. they weren’t flat, their intentional lack of dimension due to their pasts is what makes them so intricate. furthermore, there's an evident subversion- the tyrant becomes a victim, the hero becomes a villain (they all become villains really), the ingenue becomes corrupted. like mentioned before, i think we forget ourselves easily reading this book but there is a great deal of emphasis on this being their last year- which is so important. the damage has been done and a lot of the issues people have with the content (or lack thereof) in this book has to do with the fact that it’s all things that would have occurred in books focusing on previous years at delletcher.

“it didn't live up to expectation” (also leading on from read tsh to this and being ‘disappointed’)

i cant argue this because its entirely subjective. whatever expectation was created for you, i cannot know that and appropriately respond however- if you liked the secret history and understood the secret history then there's a good chance you also liked and understood this book- even if not to the same extent but you must be able to recognize the authorial approach and its significance. i think a lot of ppl read iwwv (and a lot of “dark academia” texts and films) and hope to be able to romanticize the aesthetic or the concepts and then are disappointed when they are presented with mildly unlikeable and overwhelmingly human characters who aren’t easy to romanticize.

a great majority of these books are criticisms of the very culture you’re trying to romanticize, and the only time you’re willing to admit that is when boasting about the ‘self-awareness’ of the people indulging in them, and then a moment later complain about those same qualities because they don’t serve this idealized expectation.

bad rep for arts/liberal arts/ humanities students as being pretentious/cultish

as a humanities student with a great love for eng lit- all of these things are indeed pretentious and cultish. not all the time and not always and not every person- but it is a common theme. academia is overwhelmingly obsessive and extremely white-washed. people become so fast to believe that they are indulging in finer arts and are therefore a higher standard of person. academia is problematic. and the recent influx of people interested in it is good, very good because hopefully, we’ll be more diverse, more open-minded, more accepting. that's what i hope at least. if you know, as an individual, that you’re not a pretentious academic who places themselves above non-academics then that's wonderful- but there are dangers and negative sides to academia that need to be understood so that we can see to not perpetuating them.

i cant refute all points, mostly because there's a lot of good and well-explained criticism because no book is perfect. and my intentions are not to belittle anyone's opinion. these are merely opposing arguments, food for thought and to be fair- a critical look into why not everything is always going to be what we expect of it and why every ‘problem’ can be assessed.

[justalokifanaccount]

Episode 6-Play by Play Reactions (Spoilers)

I’m so nervous and excited. Disclaimer: I have spoiled a few minor things for myself for this episode because I’m a self sabotaging dummy who does this whenever I get anxious about a form of media I am watching.

I’m so friggin nervous ahhhhhhhhh

Please tom Hiddleston, don’t do me dirty

Screw you renslayer

Istg if anyone betrays anyone I’m going to riot

Man I miss Classic!Loki already

Isn’t this the music that played when Steve?

OH MY GOSH IM GOING TO CRY WITH ALL OF THE AUDIO REFERENCES

Lol the peter quill lines are perfect because I legit just watched GotG

Nelson Mandela?

Vision???

Lmao Sylvie saying “open your eyes!” Gave me legend of Zelda breath of the wild flashbacks

My heart is rattling against my rib cage with excitement and anxiety

Spoopy castle

Aha another scene or at least location from the trailers!

Oof they’re both anxious too

Pretty gold veins

You were pruned before he even existed? What? No you weren’t? You were kidnapped but not pruned. You were only just pruned lmao.

If kang isn’t the baddy I’m gonna look like such an idiot

AGHH!

Good God that stopped my heart.

He who remains?

KANG?

I don’t trust you Miss Minutes

Man I wanna kill Thanos

Miss minutes I don’t trust you, TEMPTRESS!

If he could make it work, then why couldn’t he allow the timeline to break free normally then huh?

“We write our own destiny now.” Bite me Miss Minutes

Ren Slayer I hope you get chucked into space

How self aware is miss minutes exactly?

I’m actually surprised that Renslayer doesn’t know who it is

Miss minutes is so creepy what the freak

The music is so damn good

“Are we sure he’s even still alive?” Judging by the opening of the door, I’m assuming that yes.

Uhhh hi?

Is this kang?

Or Ryuk lmao

I’m hoping he’s more serious than this jokey seemingly unserious dude. I need some angst.

Is this Kang?

Cmon

So much for easy to kill I guess

Where’s doctor strange when you need him?

I bet classic!loki could kill him easily…

I miss alligator Loki and kid Loki…

Doctor strange sanctum vibes

Hey heart, can you stop beating in my chest? You’re gonna kill me

HAHAHAHAHA YESSSS MOBIUS

Kill her please. I won’t be sad. Do it.

You’re not sorry. Shut up.

HAHAHAHA YEA BOIIIIIII

Ohio? Oh gosh is this a school?

RENSLAYER???

Hahaha she’s just a principal

HAHAHA BREAK THEIR MINDS

Don’t you dare insult my Loki. Love you Sylvie, but she’s nothing compared to Loki in my mind and never will be.

This music is gonna give me a heart attack

Help

Oh so this has happened before?

Wannabe God…

My BPM has got to be like 100

Paved the road? Soooo are you a Loki or???

Who are you? Please be kang or else I’m gonna friggin have to eat a rock like I promised.

This dude is literally a Fan Fiction writer oml

Sylvie? Please trust Loki. Don’t betray him.

Yea yea Renslayer I know that it’s crazy your whole life is a lie but you’re an idiot.

You’re a variant too you dumb dumb.

Yea you betrayed him. You betrayed the timeline.

Where the hell are you going?

PRUNE HER

DO IT

OH COME ON

PRUNE HER FOR CRIPES SAKE

Ughhhhhhh cmon Mobius…

In search of free will? What? Then WHY NOT TAKE MOBIUS WITH YOU

Dang that was disappointing Mobius got knocked down that easily…

Oh my gosh Tom Hiddleston’s voice is rumbling in my headphones good God

Kang?

Kang?

KANG THE CONQUEROR?

PLEASE

GIVE ME AFFIRMATION

Oof even he has variants

Dude loves Apples more than Ryuk

But he also sat on the chair like L

Is he like a celestial? Related to one?

Hush you wannabe Saint

Alioth?

Okay but HOW did you harness its power. What’s your technology then? You can’t just say that and not explain how.

Is he drunk?

Okay L

He’s like L, Light Yagami, and Ryuk all in one.

Your variants? Then who are you?

GAMBIT LIKE FROM THE X MEN UNIVERSE? I’m kidding… sigh…

Okay mandalorian

My heart is still beating fast why

If I don’t make another appearance again, know I died of a heart attack

Why would he give up control huh?

Is he a Loki?

“I’m older.” Dude you look like you’re 30 tops. What’s your secret? How are you immortal if you’re only man? Or are you not a midgardian?

Both sitting with swords.

Multiversal war heh? DOCTOR STRANGEEEEE THEYRE AT IT AGAIN

He’s kinda calling her out a lil lmao

Both of them

HEART CAN YOU CALM DOWN?? I TOOK MY PILLS! WHY YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A PANIC ATTACK.

Hello? Something happening you didn’t expect?

Threshold?

Of what?

This dude is a good actor. He’s playing the demented, crazed, power man well.

What’s the third option? There can’t only be two.

My heart is friggin dumb. Can you not??? I’m legitimately annoyed by how hard and fast it’s beating.

What’s that in your hand buddy?

Bud?

What, is it an honesty detector or something?

You can really tell this guy is tired of life and everything

Aaaaand they’re fighting

Girls girls, you’re both pretty. Can I go home now?

Oh no…

Sylvie, no, stop it.

SYLVIE!!! Trust Loki!

Cmon there has to be a third option

Sylvie DAMMIT

TRUST HIM

Protagonists fight before the climax cliche *ding!*

GET OUT OF MY HEAD CINEMASINS

Dammit now she knows magic too

HE DOESN’T WANT THE THRONE YOU DUMB DUMB

“I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want a throne. I just want… I just want you to be okay.”

OH?

OH?

HELLO?

It’s the onceler fandom all over again

Kiss and betrayal

COME ON MAN

Loki can’t catch a break. He just gets betrayed again and again.

How did she know how to use that.

Oop. Rip.

“See you soon.”

Sylvie, you messed up.

Now what?

Poor doctor strange. Dudes gonna have his hands full lmao.

Tom Hiddleston BETTER be in Dr. Strange Multiverse of Madness

My chest is actually moving from how hard my heart is beating what the heck

Poor Loki

All he knows is pain and hurt. And whenever he thinks he’s getting love, love, like a dagger, hurts him.

CMON TOM DONT MAKE ME CRY WITH YOUR STELLAR ACTING

How is this going to end????

WHAT

WHAT

WHAT

Mobius???

WHY DID MOBIUS FORGET HIM

NEW STATUE? IS IT TOO LATE?

WHAT

THATS THE END????

WHAT?

BUT

BUT

BUT

WHAT???

WHAT

WHAT

WHAT

WHAT

WHAT

HOW

WHY

WHAT THE HELL?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN CREDITS??????????

Funky music but…

WHAT

WHAT IS HAPPENING

WHY DID MOBIUS FORGET LOKI

WHY DID THE TIME KEEPERS STATUE GET REPLACED?

END CREDIT SCENE?

SEASON 2 CONFIRMED OKAY SO

AGHHHHHHHHHH!

I—WHAT?

BUT

BUT

WHEN IS SEASON 2???

HOW LONG WILL I HAVE TO WAIT?

WAS THAT KANG OR DO I HAVE TO EAT A ROCK?

WILL SEASON TWO FOLLOW DIRECTLY AFTER SEASON ONE OR IS THIS LEADING UP TO THE DR STRANGE MULTIVERSE OF MADNESS AND WILL SEASON TWO FOLLOW THAT?

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

MY HEART

SYLVIE WHY

YOU TRAITOR

BUT AT LEAST IT WASN’T A BETRAYAL IN THE WAY I FEARED IT WOULD BE

BUT STILL

I AM LOOKING AT THE CREDITS IN THE OTHER LANGUAGES TO SEE IF THEY REFER TO HE WHO REMAINS AS KANG

I DON’T WANT TO EAT A ROCK

MY BRAIN IS MELTING

MY HEART IS… AGHHHHHHHHHHH

[zmayadw]

Evening all :)

Alrighty, lets continue with the story :)

Wish you all a nice evening!

CALL OF THE RAVEN

PART 19

The next few days i bussied myself working, Jake doing his thing. We barely talked, every effort of his to start a conversation with me ended quickly. I hated myself for doing this to him, but i wasnt up for anything. I turned my phone off, but he took it and turned it back on, saying he will take care of it. Me? I just wanted a few days of peace without those fricking calls messing with my mind. So i had my headphones on, loosing myself in the music, focusing on my work. I saw, ofcourse, when the calls occured, frustration growing at him for yet another failure at locating the call. The close4st he got to it, was that the calls came from within Duskwood. But that meant as little as nothing.

On the morning of the third day, things wernt much different. Coffee was waiting for me when i woke up. I took a shower, taking the coffee, giving Jake a quick kiss, moving back to bed. He still looked worried, the rings arround his eyes starting to show. But he didnt force me to anythig, he just left me be. I took my headphones, the sound of music making me forget the world arround me. I was lost in my work, when i noticed Jake standing next to the bed, handing me my phone. I took the headphones off. „It's Jessy.“ He said, „She's calling for the third time allready.“ He looked at me pleadingly, and i sighed taking the phone from him. „Hello, Jessy.“ „Finaly!“ her cheerful voice chimed from the other side. „Trying to get ahold of you is tougher then trying to call the pope himself!“ she laughed. „Haha, very funny.“ I said, sounding a bit sassy. „Oh my, who stepped on your toe?“ Jessy replied a bit hurt at my sassiness. Jake looked at me intensly, and i cursed for snaping at her. „Im sorry, Jessy“ i started appologetically, she didnt deserve this. „Been feeling a bit 'under the weather' lately, its no excuse to snap at you.“ „No worries, Maya, i understand.“ She said. „Even more of a reason you need some fun!“ she chimed. „Put me on speaker, i want to talk to both of you.“ „Uhm, alright.“ I said, lowering my phone, putting her on speaker, Jake looking puzzled at me. I just shook my shoulders at him, having no clue whats this all about. „Alright, you're on speaker, go on.“ I told her. „Good! Hello, Jake, by the way.“ She said cheerfuly. „Hello, Jessy.“ He answered. „Now, you two are comming later to Dan's place for babrecue and to hang out.“ She chimed from the speaker.“And dont try to make an excuse why you cant, i dont wanna hear it!“ she said stern. „Be here arround 4. And ill text you Dans address later.“ She didnt let us say anything „Allrigh, thats settled then. See you two later.“ She chimmed, adding before she hung up „Oh, and Jake, let Maya breath a bit!“ she said teasingly, making Jake rise his eyebrow at the phone, and me smiling at it. „Later you two.“ „Finaly.“ Jake said as i lovered my phone down. „Huh?“ i looked confused at him. „You smiled.“

I was sitting on the bed putting my sneakers on. Jake was taking his laptop and some other things from the desk, stuffing it all in his backpack, along with my phone. „You're taking all that with you?“ i asked. He turned to me „Well, i want to be ready, in case of..“ he trailed off, and i finished „In case of any new calls.“ My mood darkened again. Jake came to me, crouching infront of me. „Maya, i know this is frustrating“ He took my hands in his. „But i cant help if you turn your phone off and ignore the calls.“ He looked so tired again, and worried, his eyes dark, matching my mood. I hated it. Everything was starting all over again. But this time it was me that was most affected by it all. I sighed „I know, you're right, but its eating at me inside, Jake. It feels like darknes is creeping at me, slowly taking all the joy and happines away.“ My words made his eyes look even darker, his face showing all this was hard on him as much as it was on me. He lowered his head on my knees, and i ran my hand through his hair. „Its killing me to see you like this.“ He said it so desperatly, my heart squeezed. „Hey“ i said softly, making him look at me. „I'll be fine.“ I wished we could just run away somewhere, leave all this behind, forget the world exists. But with my luck, shit would follow no matter where i go. I smiled at him „ We should go. Or Jessy might send SWATs if we dont show up on time.“ He smiled at it, getting up, pulling me from the bed „Lets go.“

We walked in silence to Dan's place, each lost in our own thoughts. As much as i didnt want to go, maybe this would be exactly what i needed. And I was happy i'd see Jessy, her cheerfulness would be welcoming. We stopped at one of te houses, Jake announcig we're here. It was smaller,a single storey, but i found it the perfect size. It had a nice big back yard, grass neatly mowed and fence trimmed. We came to the front door, Jake ringing the bell. Dan opened it grinning at us „Whoa“ he said „Who got you two in such a 'good mood'? You look like shit!“ „Gee, thanks Dan, again, thats exactly what i wanted to hear.“ I told him, Jake silently standing beside me. „Aww, Maya“ Dan started „Like you dont know me by now. I always say it as it is.“ He grined at us, and i chuckled „Unfortunaly, i'm aware of it.“ „Well, come on in, Jessy is already impatiante waiting on you to show up.“ He ushered us in. „Just continue straight to the kitchen“ Dan instructed me. I entered the kitche, Jake and Dan following. Jessy smiled at seeing us, running to me for a hug „Finaly! I was worried i would have to send Dan to get you!“ she said cheerfuly. „I dont doubt you'd do it!“ i said, letting her go. She turned to Jake now, hugging him. He was surprised by it, looking all fidgety, not knowing what to do. He hugged her back akwardly, and i chuckled. Jessy let go of him, noticing him being uncomfortable. She winked at him „Oh, dont worry, Jake, i dont bite.“ I couldnt keep it anymore, so i laughed. It was Dan that came to his rescue, patting him on the back, „Dont scare the poor guy, babe. Rather give him a beer.“ Jessy grined at Dan, turning to the fridge, grabbing two beers, handing them to Jake and Dan. Jake took a sip, calming his nerves „Im not scared.“ he said, turning to Jessy, still being a bit uncomfortable. „Dont worry, man“ Dan said to him in his dramatic way „I get you, she can be scarry sometimes.“ Jessy looked at Dan furiously, throwing a rag at him, as he stuck his toung out at her running to the other room. Jake chuckled at it, but she looked at him all serious, making him avert his look, taking another sip of the beer. She turned to me „Want some wine?“ „That'd be great.“ I told her smiling. She poured a glass and handed it to me. „Oh for the love of it!“ Dans voice ringed from the other room. I looked at Jessy questionably. She sighed „He is trying for the last hour to connect the outside speakers so we can have some music in the back yard. Unsucessfully, as you might notice.“ Jake said „I'll go help.“ Jessy smiled at him. „Thank you!“ „Hey, i dont wanna stay here to test that theory about you biting.“ He grined at her, leaving the kitchen to join Dan. Jessys eyes opened in bewilderement, turning to me „Did he just joke?“ I chuckled at her „He's getting better at it.“ We both laughed. She got back to finish the salad she was doing when we came. „Can i help with anything?“ I asked „No, you just sit and relax, i'll join you any minute.“ I sat at the table, taking a sip of my wine. Few minutes passed, when music was heard through the open doors leading to the back yard from the kitchen. „Finaly!“ Jessy exclimed cheerfully. „Thank you, Jake!“ She yelled. „No worries.“ He yelled back. „Hey, i helped, too!“ Dan yelled sounding offended. „Ofcourse you did.“ She yelled back sarcasticly, making me laugh again. She came joining me at the table. „So, how are you, Maya?“ she asked. „I've been better.“ I answered honestly. „I'm tired, Jessy.“ I sighed „All thats happening is becoming too much on me. I feel like im drowning, and at the same time i feel numb.“ She looked at me concerned. „I'm barely keeping it together. If it wasnt for Jake..“ i trailed off. He really was the one keeping all this madness of mine at bay. „He is worried about you.“ Jessy said, hesitating for a moment before she continued. „He called me yesterday.“ „He did?“ i asked surprised. „He was desperate, Maya. He had no idea what to do, it was eating him alive. He told me what happened. He begged me to help, mumbling something like he let you down. I barely managed to calm

him.“ „Shit.“ I said, lowering my head on the table. „I never tought I might make him feel that way.“ I looked back at Jessy „I would crumble to pieces long ago without him.“ „I know that, Maya.“ Jessy squeezed my hand. „Just talk to him, dont shut yourself out.“ She smiled softly at me. I smiled back, going to her for a hug „Thank you, Jessy. You are the only one beside him that can pull me back on my feet again.“ „Im here for you, i told you that before, and i mean it, Maya.“ She said to me hugging me tighter. We pulled apart and she got up. „What are they doing in there? They should be out in the back already!“ she exclimed, moving to the doors of the next room where Dan and Jake wer. „Dan Anderson!“ she yelled from the doors. I joined her, laughing at the scene in front of me – Dan and Jake wer sitting on the floor playing a game. Boys will be boys, right? „If you dont put down that controller and get your ass out in the yard right now, i swear to God...“ Dan tensed and jumped up in a heartbeat at her words „Yes ma'am!“ Jake chuckled at Dan, but Jessy turned to him now „Hey, hackerboy, dont you laugh, you're joining him!“ Jake was up on his feet even faser then Dan, and they both started walking reluctantly out of the room. Dan passed us, but suddenly turned to me. „Hey, how come she can call him 'hackerboy', but you go beserk when i do it?“ he asked being dramatic again. I smirked at him „She can call him whatever she wants.“ Jessy burst out laughing. I turned to Jake going for a kiss. I whispered to him before i moved „I just said it because im scared of her myself.“ Jake laughed at it, quickly kissing me once more, going after Dan.

Jessy lowered a cup of coffee in front of me, going back to sit. We stayed in the back yard after eating, dusk slowly setteling in, the sky in multiple colors. It felt calming. At the end, I was glad we came, i needed this after everything that was happening. Even if the sight of my phone on the table in front of Jake did make me feel uneasy, i decided to ignore it. I had to pull it together. I couldnt let this shit get into my head so intensly, or I would definatly go insane. And learning from Jessy that Jake was affected by it so much, just made me more determined at it. It was Dan who broke the silence, bringing the tention at the table. „So, Maya, are we gonna talk about those calls and everything now?“ Jessy shot him an angry look, Dan not paying attention to it. „No, we are not.“ Jake said calmly, before i could even speak, a hint of frustration noticeable in his voice. „O really? And why not?“ Dan asked lookin at Jake fiercly. „Because, it doesnt concern you.“ Jake told him, returning equaly fierce look. „Whoa, you fucking kidding me, man?“ Dan said, raising his voice „It most definatly concern me.“ „And why the fuck is that?“ Jake hissed back at him, frustration rising up at him. Jessy was silent, and so was I. There goes a nice evening, i tought to myself. „Because“ Dan started, hising back „I consider Maya to be my friend, so if she is in trouble and needs help, im here for her.“ „She doesn't need your help, she's got me for that.“ Jake was already on the edge of loosing control, but Dan didnt care. He snorted „You mean like last time?“ „Dan, i'm warning you...“ Jake told him, barely containing himself. „Dan, stop it!.“ Jessy begged him. „No, I wont stop.“ He told her, being agitated more and more now. My head began to puls, all this was going too far now. „Dan, dont.“ I pleaded, but he barely spared me a look. „He wasnt here when shit hit the fan last time, Jessy, I was! We were, not him!“ Jake tensed for a second at Dans words, pounding his fists so hard on the table „You fucking moron, dont you think i wouldnt have been here if i could?!“ He was furious now, i had to interfere before this escalates for the worst. „Enough!“ I shouted, shooting up from my chair. They both looked at me surprised, but still furious. „Thank you, Jake, but i think i can speak for myself. The question was dirrected at me, after all.“ i told him, rubbing at the side of my head with one hand. He slouched in his chair, stung by my words. Dan smirked, but i turned to him „And you, you know damn right why he couldnt be here, you have no right rubbing it to his face like that!“ He fel silent at that. „Now, if you two are done with this 'cock fight', great, we can discuss it like civilized people. Otherwise, both of you can go to hell!“ I sat back, my head still pulsing, all looking astonished at me. No one spoke for what felt like eternity, Dan finaly breaking the silence again „I'm sorry, Maya. I didnt want for this to happen.“ He said, looking apologetically.“What i wanted to say, to try and make Jake here realize once and for all, is that we are here to help.“ He turned to Jake now, all that rage from before replaced with sympathy „Damn it, man, i have no clue what kind of 'friends' you had in your life so far, but you gotta learn to trust people and let them help.“ I took Jakes hand in mine, and he looked at me „Dan is right.“ I told him softly „And you know it.“ He sighed. He wasnt used to this, looking to others for help. He always relayed only on himself, but it was time for a change. He turned to Dan. „I apologize...for calling you a moron.“ I squeezed his hand, him bringing it up to his face, landing a soft kiss on it. Dan looked back at him, still serious „You mean 'fucking moron'?“ We all turned to look at him, and i tought all will start going downhill again. But then Dan grinned, Jessy hitting him on a shoulder for messing with us. I shook my head, smile appearing on my face. Dan extended his hand toward Jake „Look, man, i meant it, if you need help with anything, dont hesitate.“ Jake looked at him for a moment, accepting

Dans hand in a tight grip „Thanks.“ Jessy grinned at them, saying teasingly „Aww, i think this is the beginning of a beautifull friendship!“ I burst out laughing, Jessy joining me. Both Dan and Jake looked at us in disbelief, when Jake turned to Dan „I think i need another beer.“ Dan looked at him, nodding his head in agreement „You and me both, man. C'mon.“ He gestured for him to follow, as Jessy and me laughed even harder.

After all the tension, the rest of our evening was quite entertaining. Jake felt more realxed, but still got uncofortable at Jessy's openness and teasing. And him and Dan getting along after everything was welcoming. It was pretty late when the two of us said our goodbyes and left. The streets wer silent, only our footsteps echoing as we walked towards motel. Sleep was slowly getting at me, and i shivered from the nights chill. Jake threw his hand arround me, pulling me closer to him, his vicinity making me feel warmer instantly, and I leaned my head on his shoulder. „Thank you.“ I told him after a while. „What for?“ „For tonight.“ I said, smiling. „I had fun. It was exactly what I needed.“ „It was....interesting.“ He said. I chuckled „ Dont worry, i'll talk to Jessy to go easy on you in the future.“ He laughed „Thanks. I'll get used to her,eventually.“ I got serious „She told me, by the way. What you did.“ He tensed at it a bit. „Its fine, Jake.“ I said. He was silent, but I knew he was still bothered by it all. „Hey, talk to me.“ I said. He pulled away from me, putting his hands in his pockets. „Its just..I mean.. never mind.“ I stopped in place, Jake making few more steps before turning to me. „Jake, please.“ I said softly. He got agitated again. He was silent for a moment more. „Fuck it“ he said, raising his voice in frustration “I wasnt enouhg, Maya!“ „What are you talking about?“ I asked confused. He sighed and sat on the floor, leaning his hands on his knees. I came and sat infront of him. He looked desperately at me „I wasnt enough. I couldnt help you. I've let you down, again.“ My heart ached so much, it pained me to see him like this. „Jake, you didnt let me down. And you did help me.“ He snorted „You sure about that?“ „Yes“ I said, smiling at him. „Dont you get it, it was exactly what Dan was refering to earlier.“ „What do you mean?“ he asked. „What I mean , Jake, is that sometimes you need another helping hand.“ He still wasnt convinced. „But i'm suppose to take care of you, me Maya. To keep you safe, to make it all better. And i cant even do that right!“ „Jake, I would crumble to pieces long ago without you.“ i said softly „You make all this bearable for me. You are my light in all this darkness. So please, stop doubting yourself.“ He sighed „Easier said then done.“ I got up, extending my hands for him, smiling softly „Then, let me be your 'helping hand', I promise to take all that doubt away.“ He just stared at me for a while, before he took my hands, letting me pull him up. He leaned his forehead to mine and hugged me. „You are amazing, have I told you that already?“ I smiled „You might have, but pleast, dont ever stop.“ He chuckled and kissed me „Thank you“ he said, as the kiss ended. „For?“ i asked. „For being the way you are.“

We continued towards motel, hugged once again. I hoped my words eased his mind. Him opening to me more was a welcoming step forward, but still, much of the work to be done here. There was practically nothing I knew about his life before we met, and honestly, i wasnt sure how much of it I wanted to know, as much as I might be curious about it. I never asked him, and he rarely said anything of it. I knew that currently he was 'doing stuff' for someone, allowing him to be here freely. And I did tell him i'm ok with it, and that I trust him, wich i do, completely. But there was constant fear in me that things might turn for the worst again. With my toughts wondering off like that, i didnt realize we wer in front of motel room. Jake was about to put the key in the lock, stopping abruptly. „Jake?“ i asked worriedly, as he pulled my phone from his pocket. Another call. He set it earlier to vibrate, so no wonder I didnt hear it. He was about to answer when i stopped his hand „Dont.“ I said, looking pleadingly at him. „Maya..“ he said softly. „Please, Jake, just dont“ i said, sounding tired. I sighed „Just this one time, let it be. Give me just this one night, please, to feel normal again.“ I let go of his hand. The phone continued to vibrate, then stopped. „Thank you.“ I said relieved. He turned back to the doors, letting us enter. He went to the desk, taking his stuff back on it from the backpack. „I know we should have answered it.“ I said, standing next to bed, taking my sneakers off. „But i just wanted to go to sleep tonight with a smile, not worry and frustration.“ Jake walked to me putting his hands around my waist. „Well, i know of one way you can get rid off some of that frustration.“ He raised an eyebrow at me, his eyes sparkling. „Oh really?“ i asked. I turned us, so his back was facing the bed, and pushed him on it, situating myself on him. I intertwined my fingers with his on both hands, moving our now joined hands abowe his head. I leand to him as i did it, stopping my face just an inch from his. „Are you sure you want this?“ i asked teasingly. „I still have much of the previous frustration in me, it could last a while.“ His eyes flared at my words. He roled me on my back, our hands now above my head. He released one hand, moving it down my body, that flare in his eyes intensifying with every heartbeat. My whole body trembled with my own desire under his touch. He kissed me so fiercly, and said with a heavy breath as he broke our kiss „Good.“

[theunconcernedembalmer]

Toko! I was thinking of creating an ask the character blog for IDV or Genshin Impact and wanted a few tips on how to start off. Anything you can share?

ey yo my dude!! thank you so much for this question, now im lowkey tempted (again) to make a genshin ask blog sjadhlkshgkahshglsaj anyway my 1.5 cents is under the cut, yall know how much i talk here HAHAHAHAH

uhhhhhh so i guess we start with picking a character u really Vibe with tm? I KNOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE COMMON SENSE BUT LIKE ive been considering making a genshin ask blog for a while now but i never really got to it cos i couldnt really decide on a character (plus the fact that their outfits are. so intricate. is also a hmm since i try to follow details to a t) (at first i wanted to do zhongli, but i feel like to be able to muse him well u need to know the lore super super well, which i dont n im too lazy to research on that aha. n u know how much i respect characterizations, especially for such a complex character like him. i also considered xiangling for a period of time mostly for guoba but also like i have 2+1 blogs here n having one more might not be a very good idea aha) (as for aesop he was my Hyperfixation Character tm also cos i looked at his kit n went Yep i could work with this. probably)

so assuming ur not a dumbass like me n u kinda know who u wanna pick, id actually say to snoop around here for other ask blogs n kinda get a feel of the... scene? is that the word? or like u know, other blogs that u can potentially vibe with. ive run a couple of ask blogs before this current one (both that have died for different reasons) n from my experience interacting with other blogs (if theyre okay with it, i think most should be) is pretty fun. it also kinda helps get ur blog around to other ppl on other blogs so they can go Oh whats this cool shit n check u out, n its also a reason why we kinda reblog promo posts for other blogs (also cos we’re always excited when someone new comes on, its really the more the merrier. we see all :eyes:). interacting with other blogs is also an option when ur inbox is looking real roomy too

another reason why i havent exactly done a genshin blog is that idk i cant actually seem to find genshin ask blogs around (i have seen rp blogs, or those that answer asks with mostly text instead of art, but thats. not my thing since i hate my own writing aha) (i did find one aether blog some time ago, but for some reason i hardly see them around anymore??? idk man i might be wrong). its not like im trying super hard to find them ask blogs, so im sure they exist out there (hopefully?? im not sure but im being optimistic). i mean theres nothing wrong with just starting an ask blog without others around, but for me i do find a difference when i interact with other ask blogs n when i dont, n i prefer when theres others to have fun with (unfortunately i couldnt find any ask blogs to interact with in my previous fandom. i tried, but the blogs i approached seemed to go inactive shortly afterwards...) plus u get to meet friends that way too :D (i made a lot of friends via idv askblogs n its really been a joy vibing with others)

as for the idv scene. gestures around me. unfortunately there are a lot of ask blogs that arent that active anymore, but theres still some of us who are alive n kicking empty inboxes, n im sure everyone would love to see a new face around. winks at u. also there seems to be a lot more blogs popping up lately, which is really heartening to see.

then u kinda just. make ur blog? n a starting introduction post so ppl can reblog it n spread the word XD n yay u have a blog i guess??? XD

i gotta say tho. dont expect ur blog to take off immediately (especially for smaller fandoms like idv, tvbh i didnt think my blog would even get half this far when i started cos of how non existent idv tumblr seemed to be) n ur inbox will probably be looking pretty empty a lot of the time (or at least filled with some that u havent quite thought of how to reply to yet aha) (but also like empty inboxes happen pretty often, im sure most of us here have experienced this problem)

in the case of the first ask blog i ever started, it never really took off at all. ngl it was kind of demoralizing n depressing but to be fair i had picked one of the more obscure characters in the series, so obscure that many ppl in the fandom would have never heard of this character before. if u wanted to know, i took a character that only appeared in the 2nd musical of the series, who also made a very brief cameo in the manga to acknowledge his existence within that universe. thats how obscure my character was, but i went with him purely because he was my favourite character. i will say though i did enjoy it while it lasted n i learnt a lot from the experience, n i think thats whats important really.

i guess this kinda leads on (not really but let me digress) to the whole uhhhh thing where if u choose a more popular character, u get more attention. which is fine i guess? if u really vibe with the character, i mean theyre popular for a reason. n choosing a more popular fandom (like genshin) would objectively also get u more viewers n numbers. but like honestly i believe that ask blogs are meant for u to have fun with, n like trying to get popular gets tiring pretty fast (this shouldnt be like a main goal, but u know sometimes u subconsciously also want that gucci follower count n bomb ass notes or something. i used to be guilty of this until i realized it isnt worth it) especially if ur not enjoying yourself in the process. (case in point: my previous fandom was considerably larger n my blog got about 700 followers within a year or so, but it got very tiring n stressful to maintain after my interest in it died, n no one was really interacting with the blog even though i tried which kinda made it even more depressing despite the so called success n popularity of the blog)

anyway on a less serious note, theres a lot of fun stuff u can do with the ask blog, like some ask blogs have really fancy tags that i really like n try to do but also like not really HAHAHAHA. i kinda just channel what i want to see in an ask blog into my own ask blogs (good art is one, i try very hard for it to be good :,DD another is characterization, n others is just extra miscellaneous arts n stuffs like au ideas or memes. these are also somethings u could work on during ask box downtimes perhaps)

uhhh another side thing is like a posting schedule i guess? like ppl would be more likely to interact (i think) if ur blog is relatively active, n this is usually determined by the last post u made (i think XD). but like generally for blog maintenence id say try to kinda find a frequency that ur comfortable with?? cos i know my once a day posting is kinda insane if i wasnt so hyperfixated on all of this n fight the urge to dump all ur replies when u finish them XD (though ive seen some blogs do that n they do it pretty frequently so its pretty nice to know once u see their post u can spend some time going through the latest batch of posts XD) the queue function is pretty useful here even though i truthfully have never really used it, i kinda just post from my drafts really but it also helps to space out ur content to seem somewhat active especially when u dont have the time to be working on replies sometimes. i hope u know what im trying to say here aha

ANYWAY that was like my 1.5 cents cos i dont even think its worth 2 cents HAHAHAHAH these are just my thoughts from running all my blogs up till now, some that are still running n the others that have just died a natural death. i wouldnt actually delete them (theyre still around actually XD) cos theyre kinda like archives n i can look back at what i did last time. cos ngl i made some high quality stuff back then, n i dont even know how i managed to do that aldhflhdsgk. also ppl do look at archive blogs every now n then for the content thats there yknow

BUT YES anyway if u do decide to join the idv ask blogs hmu, ill be sure to give u a lil shoutout here. winks

[patchdotexe]

explorers of arvus: heading back / 3.11.21

zoom and enhonse

LAST TIME ON ARVUS taure passed out and we are now down a healer! also we met a disciple of halvkar, and surprisingly did not murder her. this is fine. we have instantly gotten distracted by our various carts. cats. our various cats

DID ANY OF US CATCH TAURE, SHE FELL OVER sieron tried to catch her and smacked charlie+thorne in the face (he rolled a nat1, f) BUT the catboy is to the rescue bc silje is the designated Not Incompetent of the group today

CONSULT THE CHILD hewwo yrel yrel: her mind is being consumed by the serpent of nightmares. :D charlie: HELLO?????//

so, dendar(?) the night serpent is imprisoned beneath arvus! she was formed from the nightmares of the first sentient being, and sometimes she eats people's nightmares. if she's exceptionally hungry, she'll force nightmares onto people for her to feed off their fear. yrel thinks taure will Probably wake up. there's a thing on arvus mentioned by the locals called a "sleeping sickness" where people will fall asleep for a few days, sometimes longer, but will wake up. its magical in cause, the people afflicted by it have horrific nightmares, and its just kinda. a thing. wowza

(i have gone back to spelling yrel's name as yrel bc i think it looks nice)

OH HEY SOMEONE POSTED A THEORY ON ONE OF MY STICKMOLUS ANIMATIONS man i should get back to stickmolus sometime. once dsmp releases its awful grip on me.

i keep getting distracted by seeing myself in the camera preview. i have a tooth gap! what the fuck its cute?? K I KNOW WE'RE SUPER BLURRY IN FRONT RN BUT PLEASE HELP ME STAY FOCUSED I SWEAR -leo

we're gonna build a sled! to put taure on. thorne: i have a good strength score. ....i say, out loud charlie: i am four feet tall. [cue argument between thorne & sieron about them both being horcs but sieron has a +0 bc strength is his dump stat] OH, OKAY, THORNE ROLLED A NAT20 TO CARRY TAURE. NICE

[discussion about what to tell everyone at camp vengenace] thorne: the last thing we need to do is a witch hunt charlie: --and we already hunted the witch! the witch has been hunted.

time to discuss strategy! we need to figure out how to head back to camp vengeance, eg if we want to follow the path we already took or if we wanna do some trailblazing. looks like we're gonna try and take the most direct path! which means we'll prolly risk tangoing with some undead but im willing to risk it TINY HUT STAIRCASE sorry i just remember it now and then

nyx: [meowing at his cats] thorne: uh... why is silje meowing? jorb: silje's food bowl is empty jorb: you look at silje's food bowl and there's a divot in the middle and the food is all on the sides emotionally, we must bully the catboy silje saw something interesting and started meowing

thorne: ill take first watch silje: ill also take first watch. charlie: [quietly] gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy (but, like, extended for 15 seconds)

silje: [takes watch] [rolls a nat1 and gets distracted by looking at his crush]

THORNE HAS LOCATED A DOG the dog does not give a shit about the tiny hut. THE DOG HAS PEED ON THE TINY HUT goodbye dog

EVERYONE IS ROLLING AT LEAST 1 NAT1 thorne: wow! that sure is a dog. thorne has drawn the worst possible dog. thorne has erased the worst possible dog. we dont speak of the worst possible dog its the dog version of honse. DONSE

sieron is now on watch! MAN we are havin trouble rolling today. at least kali's here to make sure sieron doesnt stare at a rock for 50000 years sieron sees a mouse! bottom text

charlie is now on watch! kali is havin a big ol thonk. nothing meaningful has come of this

i am perceiving some deer. sieron is not perceiving some deer. silje is perceiving some deer, but better the deer are fucked up and undead! silje has gone from "we should hunt these deer for food" to "we should hunt these deer for sport"

charlie: i do not feel like being jumped by five thousand skeletons

charlie takes first watch with sieron! WHY ARE OUR ROLLS SO TERRIBLE taure is super cursed right now. that's not very pog charlie: this place sucks. thorne: to be fair, we havent-- charlie: YOU'RE ASLEEP, SHUT UP

oh hey coolname galvanic finally partied. nice.

thorne is at watch! solar: hey, is leomund's tiny hut an orb? there's a critter digging around! AH, THE CRITTER IS UNDEAD. this could be a problem

solar: hey michael, how much does the horrific sin against god dog i drew look like this creature michael: [dice roll noises] about 50%.

michael: if anyone likes, they can make a nature check-- solar: ME MEMEMEMEME ME ME ME

its a bulette! aka a land shark. problem: they are not normally undead. this one is undead.

jorb: imagine if you could tame one of those and use it as a mount. leo: IT WOULD JUST DIG UNDERGROUND AND LEAVE YOU THERE

we are just calling it a weird dog

we're going to mail a letter to the heart of arvus. HEY, CHECK OUT THIS WEIRD DOG,

JORB FOUND ART OF A BABY BULETTE. WEIRD PUPPY!

solar: hey guys, check out this sick art of a bulette i found

silje kept a lookout for the weird dog but its just fucked off. goodbye, weird dog give it up for day 3!

man there's been like, three incinerations today in blaseball. what's up with that. I SWEAR IM MOSTLY PAYING ATTENTION its just been an eventful day in blaseball. also im wearing my garages bomber rn. jaylen is home wooOOOO the wind smells stinky. this is fine.

we're actively avoiding whatever combat michael keeps nudging at us bc we're carrying around an unconscious person and i SWEAR hes gonna throw something directly at us once he's done with our shenanigans

UHH MICHAEL ASKING FOR PASSIVE PERCEPTION LOL

huh. this place used to be inhabited? we're in the woods rn but there's some like, stone ruins? like, VERY ruins. like, not really any structures standing, but enough evidence to show there Were things. WE FOUND A STATUE charlie: i want to smash my face against the lore.

used to be a circle of standing stones, but most of em fell over or got overgrown. inside of the circle has been cleared, although v roughly-- ground's torn up statue is of fjolnir! warrior holding up a spear and shield. AH, THERE ARE CORPSES, a human got REAL fucked up here. one of the corpses is straight up impaled on fjolnir's spear. n ... not pog.

i am trying so, so hard to pay attention. but i also kinda wanna take a nap.

charlie: [stares at statue] [rolls a 4] i wonder if he had a dick.

okay so something rolled in, tore up the overgrowth inside the circle, and murdered a couple dudes. and was also super tall and human-adjacent. hrm.

oh my god why are we rolling so shit today. time to stealth away and hope we dont get casually dismembered

k: jorb's hair is so long... leo: K, PLEASE,

time for a break! i am very tired but im gonan see if i can push through a little further. nyx is petting his cat why do orangatangs look like that

first watch is thorne and sieron! have they even, like, talked thorne unhabby ): thorne's worried we were tresspassing when checking out the statue, meanwhile im thinking about that one time when sieron got bit by a groundhog

(oh my god this is from late 2018)

leomund's tiny hut, aka the anti-sea bear circle we are getting SO much mileage out of the tiny hut. SILJE HUMS A SONG WITH KALI cute........... FINALLY I HAVE ROLLED ABOVE A 14 wait no i rolled a 16 twice. anyway we are not dead

nearly at camp vengenace! boy howdy i hope camp vengeance didnt get burned down. AH FUCK TAURE IS UNCONSCIOUS SO WE CANT CAST FOR DETECT POISON kaepora nearly made us all shit ourselves but its okay he just saw some bison and thought it was cool Michael Is Consulting Several Tables

WHY DOES JORB'S CAMERA ZOOM LIKE THAT why am i hungry. i have so many questions

HEY, TALL GUY [smacks sieron]

camp vengeance looks better! like, nobody's Obviously Sick anymore, the medical tents arent overfilled, we did it! we saved the dayyyyyy time to report to ryder! taure's getting dropped off at the medical tent

man remember when charlie didnt wear pants

oh man, with taure unconscious charlie is now taking point with social interaction. wild. jk im making jorb do it bc im tired HAHA NAT 20 PERSUASION BC OF ME HELPIN SIERON man ryder is such a cock. he was totally ready to keep throwing troops at heaven's brazier to die until we managed to persuade him out of it. jorb: did we tell ryder about the vision? michael: you kinda just took a look at him and went STINKY BOY!

okay yeah anything that dies on arvus will just pop back up as undead. man, arvus sucks.

ryder: alright, dismissed. charlie: seeya, soldier boy! :D hahahahaha im gonna eat his knees.

SILJE NEEDS ENRICHMENT IN HIS ENCLOSURE

charlie: ive decided he sucks. silje: we've already arrived to that, you're late!

LMAO WE WALKED IN ON INGRID AND HER CRUSH they fuckin. nice. you go, you funky lesbian

jorb: we've got the tiny hut, we could go anywhere leo: we could go to SPACE! nyx: we could not go to space. leo: WITH A TINY HUT STAIRCASE, WE CAN,

we are 320 miles away from the spaceship that exists on arvus. nice.

michael: justin sees you-- roll a strength saving throw. leo: i cant wait to die! [rolls a 3] I AM CRUSHED BY MY DOG michael: he rolled a nat20.

BOSS ENCOUNTER: CHARLIE'S DOG (the small circle next to him is one of the medical tents.)

THORNE IS PACT OF THE GUN solar: PARRY THIS, YOU FUCKING CASUAL

sieron, to ingrid: seems like youve been doing well charlie: i punch sieron. sieron: sieron: the camp, of course.

man we have no idea if the heart of arvus is actually related to the prophecy or not. theres a Lot of stuff lining up, but not enough, and its hard to say how much of it couldve been literal?

solar & michael: [discussing exposition] me: [cracking up bc penn sent me a funny dsmp joke]

prophecies are weird.

charlie is just s she is just sitting here SILJE PLAYED CARDS REALLY GOOD AT ME nyx rolled a nat20 and took all my money

oh cool we can talk to yrel telepathically! time to hoist yrel. THIS IS SO SCUFFED thorne mentioned yrel and now we're trying to explain to ingrid that we have a magic talking snake charlie: I WANT TO GO HOME. thorne: we cant go, we have a GOD-KING to kill! "i think theyre insane, theyre talking to a snake" "ingrid, druids exist" "oh. im gonna go back to getting railed by my 7 foot tall girlfriend"

[yoongusworld]

title –> Lifetime

genre –> smut , one sided love , nurse and pianist reader x pianist ,heir yoongi! oneshot.

characters –> bts! yoongi x reader , y/n ,dahyun.

this is based on imagination,character used exists but this is only a fanfiction.

i would like to give credits for some lines i will use

-hardfactzquotes,poise,blogkiat,themindsjournal.com,the last part i there is no watermark so i dont know who owns that but ctto.

my mom said that love can conquer all.the most scariest thing i don't want to experience is heartbreak but i you need to fall inlove and feel your heart break.One sided love is beautiful yet a heartbreak.No expectations,nothing in return,just pure love.Yet it hurts,no doubt. but nothing can be as beautiful as one sided love story.

"y/n honey! wake up! you'll be late for you practice daughter!" those words are loud.i'm sleepy.

"moooom~i practiced all night my fingers feel numb and my piano seems sad like it wants to give up~" i lazily replied to my mother.

"honey..you play for patients in the hospital you need to inspire them with your music,you said that right? plus payment is high you can add that when you leave or you want me to just pay--" i cut my moms words and said

"uuuuuugh--mom i know we have lots of money but i don't want to depend on your money its not that im not accepting your hardworks its just i want to prove everyone that i will not just depend on how rich we are. i know i can do it" i know i can.

"i know honey..i believe in you,you're the best choice i chose in my whole life and i know you never done anything wrong because youre my daughter,i love you honey...now get up!!" she said and patted my legs.

"love you too mom..here i come practice!!" and we both laugh. i love my mom. she supported me in every aspects of my life,every journey of my chilhood,teenage and being an adult and i will repay all her hardwork as my mom and as my dad.

after taking a quick bath i head to our kitchen to see what my mom cooks for breakfast and eat.

"bye y/n honey..please be safe. don't forget to put ointment on you finger,okay?" she pecked my cheeks like i'm a little child and said goodbye.

"bye mom!!" i drove to my practice place where aspiring pianists are really trying their best to learn more about piano.I'm not saying that im already a pro but i am really good at this. the're will be a program in a hospital where they will choose one pianist to play at 'bringing back patients to life with music program' sounds like they're already dead? and i was the chosen one.lucky me.there's a guy here who doesn't even talk and always seems..lonely.i am curious about him even i know shouldn't,i dont know its just like..he got me. going inside the practice room everybodys eyes are all on me even the piano teacher.

"Well goodmorning ms.lee,the chosen one. Everyone i forgot to tell y'all that y/n is going to play piano at the hospital program,congratulate her" as everyone claps i saw the introvert guy who put his hands together and clap a little. he's cute but he scares me sometimes. after all those claps i sat down next to him. i purposedly sat beside him. "u-um...h-hiii,i'm lee y/n, i see you don't talk too much so–" i thought i was the only one who can cut words,he did cut my words.

"i know you." how?that sounds great i dont need to introduce myself a lot.

"really???but how?" i asked while the piano teacher is doing his business on some sort of things.he is still looking at the lyrics,notes in front of him not even wanting to spare a glance at me.but when he talks he looks at my eyes well its not a look,more like a glare.

"youre mom is a doctor in 'Asan Mecial Center Soul' no wonder they chose you to play in the hospital because your mother is a doctor"he smirked and i was shocked on his words is he saying that i depend on my mom to get inside the program?!

"e-excuse me but i didn't ask any help from anyone i know inside that hospital!" who does he think he is?he look back on his papers not even replying on what i said. he is rude and scary as expected.

"yah!y/n" my friend dahyun hooked me up "what?" i replied. she's on my right side while that rude guy is on my left. "Are you seriously talking to min yoongi?!" she wishpered to me "who?who is yoongi?"i asked confused. "duh its the guy beside you girl!" so his name is yoongi?? "whats up with him?does he really talk rudely to people?!" i asked dahyun slightly mad. "yes!but he's hot isnt he? he is the next heir of the AMCS he is soon the president of the hospital,i heard he finished medicine and piano is just his hobby when he is bored,girl there is no way you dont know him!" it looks like he is that popular. i get more interested.my mom is one of the doctors there yet,i dont heard anything 'bout him.

after piano practice me and my bestfriend dahyun headed to the café. "whats up with you y/n? you seemed so quiet since we talked about yoongi" i still did not answer her question "hey!y/n are going to keep looking on your favorite iced americano?the ice is melting what the hell are you thinking there?!" i really need to ask dahyun since she knows everything about handsome and popular guys. "dahyun,what more you know about yoongi?" i asked im not shy to ask shes my bestfriend i can trust her with all my rants and secrets. "Hmm well they said that yoongi is really introvert not until her girlfriend appear‐-" she have girlfriend. "her girlfriend is the richest before they also said that yoongi wasn't planning to fall for her but he did. but after all their love story is tragic. shin hyemin's car crashed and its almost 1year but she's still in a coma her parents are lacking hope but not yoongi and thats when he turn back being quiet and rude. haish he really love her,i hope i will also have a relationship like them." she pouts and out her hand under her chin. "why are u suddenly interested at him huh? do you have a crush on him?" i don't know actually its just he is interesting,i want to know him.

"no!its because he talks rudely to me,thats why" i protest looking on a big glass window beside our table drinking my melted ice iced americano. "btw y/n the program is going near you only have 2days to look pretty!!" i sighed remembering the program "i know and i know you will help me find a nice outfit for it,right?" she also sighed and just nodded not having any choice "hm well good".

—after two days—

"yah y/n i really love this white dress on you,you indeed look like an angel fallen from the sky!!!" i spin myself like a princess feeling the white dress i am wearing "wow! my daughter is so beautiful!!!" we heard a voice from the door assuming its mom "yes of course auntie,i chose her outfit!" dahyun pouts "haha i know dahyunie thank you very much" i said and playfully hug her "ok bye girls,i need to go early one of the patients are slowly healing" she said then finally go "i wonder whos patient is that,your mom is great" dahyun said "i know now lets go and get readyyy,the program will start in 1hr!!!"

yoongi's pov

two days passed since i start to attend piano class to atleast reduce my stress but still,y/n is always bugging me,i cant get enough of her,she is making me do things i'm not supposed to do before. i was early to visit my girlfriend as always. as expected she's still on her coma,i don't know how long i can wait for her i am the next heir and my father wants me to find a woman that i will soon marry. i love this woman,she's my life. there's a mysterious man that always looking through hyenmins door i asked her parents if they know him or if hyenmin knows that guys but her parents said that they don't know him. Its kinda bothering me but unless as he isn't doing anything it will be fine.

"yoongi,thanks for visiting our daughter but you need to rest." her father said with a eyes of pity.

"no s-sir,i am completely fine" i faked a smile.

"yoongi,son,we told you right? its ok for us if you decided to find someone else its been a almost a year we should give up but you insisted and stay by her side,you are so kind and warm hearted yoongi but please remember this 'if you find someone that will make you happy we are fine with that' we know you always try hard to take care of hyenmin but now im returning your kindness to you and go find someone else"mrs. shin said to me with her eyes that were very teary,tears also escaped my eyes i dont wanna leave her,i can't imagine life without hyenmin even i knew that she hurt me.

"yoongi,you're such a great man. you can be with her until she woke up and explain everything to her we are here for you" his father was never like this he used to dislike me for hyenmin because i was playboy back then but she changed me i was happy with her.

"t-thank you mr and mrs.shin" i cried. "the program will start we'll going down,we heard you love piano. you should watch it too" he smiled at me and get out inside the room where hyenmin was.

ah yeah that stupid girl with her stupid program.she talks a lot like you hyenmin and moves like you. what should i do? she's more likely like you but u know that i will never replace you with anyone even you replaced me.

your pov

yup!!this is it y/n you can freaking do this,its just sick people,disabled people ugh!!but still they're people y/n why are you like this? "the next is a beautiful young lady who plays the piano,lee y/n" the mc speaks and called my name,this is it,for real!!! as i go to the stage theater of the hospital everyone is looking at me i guess white dress isn't a good idea? i nervously sat down the piano chair and get my hands ready above the piano. I played beethovens Moonlight Sonata.it certainly brightens the piece but it's not terribly emotional. Emotionally it makes me feel like life at the height of its passion.everyone looks emotional some are enjoying.

yoongi's pov

since i was tired i decided to go to the theater and see what that y/n can really do. its not yet starting but i hear the mc said that lee y/n is next and she's playing a piano. open the door and sat down at the back of the hospitals theater "s-sir what are you still doing here? Mr.min will scold you if he saw you here" i sighed and out my palms onto my forehead its one of my fathers bodyguard are they following me? "he will scold me if you told him that i am here so shut up" i saw y/n starts to play she's playing beethovens moonlight sonata huh i guess she wants everyone to cry.a person who knows music will know its sweet but a typical person who will hear it will definitely cry. as she plays long she is pouring her heart out on whats she's doing,she even wear a white dress she l-looks like an angel fallen from the-- shit! what am i saying?! i admit she is very attractive but she is distracting me from my girlfriend. (End of yoongis pov)

As soon as y/n finished the piano yoongi goes outside the theater and head home.She was fascinated by y/n.She never tought this will happen to him when he still has a girlfriend.This cant be happening he said to himself. He should finds out whats that feeling he's been craving whenever he looks at you.

i was laying on my bed thinking if its really yoongi or not"dahyun,i told you i saw yoongi inside the theater i am not lying or seeing someone that wasnt him coz i know its really him!!!" i explained to my bestfriend who looks at me in disgust. "whats with the disgust face?!" i shouted in stress. "ok let's say that—oh! yoongi was there but, he isn't there for you. he was probably taking care of her sleeping beauty!" while she laughed at me i am still stressed i am having a different feelings about him,its look like he shoots me with his killer looks and glare that i cannot forget those. "i–i know but–dahyun you're my bestfriend and i want to be honest with you on what i feel" then she replied with hum crossing both of ther arms together on his chest. "i really feel curious about yoongi he looks very mysterious and you know i like a person who is mysterious in a good way" she has a girlfriend i know that and im still finding out. "please y/n don't make actions you will regret after just remember i am here for you" she smiled and hugged me. she is right.

another piano lesson.i have no time eating breakfast my mom is already in the hospital and i sooooo lonely dahyun will not pick me up so i guess i drive myself there. I sighed remembering yoongi will be there. we are complete stranger but why do i feel this way towards him?This is crazy.im crazy. i was suddenly awaken my mind hearing my phone ringing "yes mom?" what is it this time?! "honey i am sorry to bother you but after your piano class can you please go here in the hospital" i get inside the class after we talk and there is no sign of yoongi everywhere "what happend to him?" i mumured "WHO?" i was startled by the voice behind me "yah!you startled me!!!" she smiled and grab my arms "lets go" after class me and dahyun planned to go shopping but obviously there was an urgent problem in the hospital and they need my help (i know y'all wondering why,easy) "ugh!y/n we supposed to date today!!"dahyun pouted. "i know im sorry they need a sub in the hospital" i calmly explained to her "you said you don't like to be a nurse but you finished nursing,you know what you confuse me sometimes!!" we laughed as i headed to the hospital.

—AT THE HOSPITAL—

"hey honey glad you made it here,thank you so much daughter we are really lacking of nurses this week but they promised to pay me double for that and i'll give some to you,okay?" i nodded and changed ny clothes to nurses clothes. its not easy to be a sub nurses but i am one of the most payed doctors daughter so its easy for me to get in and loved to help. i will soon leave my mom alone and i want to cherish her a lot so much this past few months. "you look good in nurses outfit,are you playing roleplay here?" a cold voice appeared behind me while i was walking in the hall and i fastly turn my back to that guy i knew it was him "y–yoongi? why did you not attend piano lesson today?" i asked i know i was out of line but i badly want to know his reason "i visited someone" he said coldy and walk past at me "h–hey y–yoongi wait!" he stopped walking but did not turn back to look at you. "what?"he simply talked "just wanted to talk to you.uh erm..if you'll let me???" what did i just say? and now i need to talk to him if he agree.

after my duty as a nurse today i looked at yoongi who is sipping his coffee looking at the sky at the hospitals rooftop i sighed and cut the silence between us "i just want to know if you're fine" i scratched the back on my neck really shy to talk to him "none of you're business" i need to get used to his rudeness "s–sorry i really wanted to be your um f–friend?if thats possible you know?" he heard it for sure but acted like he didn't "i have lots of friend,i dont want to add one anymore"again with his cold tone "well the more the merrier,they said" as i laughed sarcasticly "you're really different aren't you?" he laughed and looked at me "hm...i am" we both laughed and took advantage of a beautiful sun setting on its own.

months have passed i continued working inside the hospital as a nurse while dahyun works at her parents company and...me and yoongi are now friends we hang out a lot i can see he is happier now and i guess i just achieved my goal to make him happy.

"yah give it to me you asshole!" y/n reached for his hand but he is taller than her "only of you'll treat me dinner!" he shouted y/n ran over him but instead she hugged him tight. time stopped for a moment but he speaks up "a–all right,fine here!!" He finally give up and hand her the wallet. they were silent,the rooftop was silent,no birds,no animals,no people,just y/n and yoongi.we sat for another sunset to watch "i never thought we will be good friends" she said and he huffed "you are so noisy who wouldnt talk and hangout with you just to make you quiet?" she playfully punch him and laughed "its because you want me yoongi! If you dont then get rid of me!!!" She shouted to him alongwith a pout making him laugh even more.

she makes him happy how can he able to get rid of her?

After that yoongi and y/n hang out a lot. go to a coffee shop early in the morning, walking in the middle of the night when y/n messed up on hospital,watch movies when yoongi has a problem with his father and hyenmins condition.

you two were hanging out but the doctors called him to tell that hyenmin had seizure so yoongi rapidly ran to the hospital with just only one word he left that y/n always holds "sorry" that sorry followed by another sorry and another and another one. you cannot blame him,you came in his life in a wrong time.

this feelings you have been keeping wasn't like any other like your past relationships. you don't even tried to touch yourself when you think of them and be bold in words around them but with yoongi,its all different. you became more and more comfortable with each other as time passed.

we always seeing each other inside the hospital we ate lunch together,watch sunset together,walk outside together we did a lot as a friend but thats not what i feel anymore i am not curious about him now because i fell for him its more that just a friend and i am sure. we supposed to hangout after my shift .

I texted him to ask where is he. he isnt replying to all my texts "haaaaa where is he now??" i tapped one of my foot on the tiles waiting for yoongi at the hall "hey!!!" someone shocked me "yoongi!!!you startled me!! what took you so long?!" i pout and crossed my arms on my chest "im sorry okay,on my house?" he friendly hugged me that made me blushed. "yah!we're at the hospital and i'm a nurse" he look at me in confused and said "this hospital is mine and i dont care,how about we hang out now okay?no more talking"

we made it into his penthouse. this is the third time i came to his house first was because i bargged in to ask him if i can be his frien,second is when we became close friends that was memorable i am not sure but he was stressed that time so i hugged him as friend but i know we both felt that tension between us,we almosy kissed but the doctor call him about hyenmin. and now is the third,i really crave for this man but he doesn't feel the same.

"how about a movie?" he asked. "that sounds great but can you please order pizza im kinda craving pizza right now and im freaking tired!" i said and flopped myself onto his soft couch "okay just choose a movie while i order"he said while taking off his leather jacket and shoes,he is so hot i cannot stop thinkinh doing dirty thoughts with him but i remember hyenmin all of a sudden.

"can i turn the lights off?" i shouted at yoongi "sure!!!" she shouted back. after a minutes i already chose a movie to watch 'after' "what movie is that?" he asked and also flopped hiself on his couch "idunno its currently number 1 on netflix so this should be good" i yawn and arch my back to stretch "sleepy?" yoongi looked at me,his eyes are different today "n-no just tired. my back really hurts".

"how about a back massage?just a thank you for accompanying me" he slightly laughed and scratched the back of his neck "woah!thats the most kind word i heard today!thanks!" i speak in sarcastic way,he just rolled his eyes on me and pull me down to massage my back.

"ah~yes yoongi right there please~" it was almost a moan "how come you're good at this?" i asked while he continue massaging my back. "i learned it from hyenmin" he said. i admit that hurts me ofcourse he will still love his girlfriend i am not expecting anything just seeing him happy makes me okay.

yoongi's pov

"i learned it from hyenmin" i replied to her. It seems like she doesn't care. y/n keeps moaning while i massage her back it's making me aroused hearing her voice like that it's also been a while since i had sex. "ahh~yoongi thats right" she tilt her head making her hair fall to the side revealing her neck. i cannot take this anymore i am going to explode if she continue teasing me like this. "ahhh!~ yoongi thats hurts! are you alright?" i snapped into reality when i heard my name from her mouth "uh–um i–im sorry is the movie already done?" i changed the topic covering my hardening bulge with a pillow. "not yet were just in the rated 18+ part" she calmly said how can she be calm talking about the sex scene.

"i moan better than her" she said my eyes widen by her sudden words,she's eating the pizza sitting beside me,i see she's playing games with me, "what makes you say that huh?"i smirked at her and then she looks at me "yah!my ex and i attempt lots of sex he even recorded my voice because no one can moan how i moan!"she sound like she is scolding me. what is she saying? we were not comfortable to say things like this,she is totally different.i began talking to her comfortably in just a month not like others even hyenmin,or the six of my bestfriends.

"are you listening?!" she slap my shoulder playfully "i–i am" i replied. "yoongi can i lay on your lap?"did i hear her clear? im freaking hard right now and she wants to lay? On my lap?! "okay i'll take that as a yes!" with that she lay her head on my lap near my bulge as i began groaning when she moves.

"stop playing games with me y/n, i promise wo won't like it"

"what games?" and she continuesly moving,this is fucking great.

your pov

"y/n can you please stop freaking m-moving?!"he said at me more like a shout. "sorry" the movie is done but yoongi is just staying still on his sitting position "yah did you forget to move yoongi?" i laughed at him histerically cos he literally stopped moving he's like a stone i stopped laughing when i felt a hand on my waist.

it was yoongi,he was gripping my waist so hard all i see is him on top of me "i told you to stop freaking moving and now you're laughing like you don't know what you did huh?nurse y/n." he said looking at me with his dark eyes i really have no idea what he's saying "y–yoongi,i have no—" he cut my words

"damn you and your excuses,you make me this hard y/n. now make it up for me" i didn't even have the chance to talk when he slammed his lips in mine harshly i don't want to give in but in myself i am liking this yoongi. i kissed him back. he bite my lower lip asking for entrance he is dominating every moves. our tounges are dancing together our kiss is became steamy and hot i feel my core getting wet.

his lips are now going down to my neck biting the skin creating a hickeys "y–yoongi" i breathed out. he pull up the hem of my shirt taking it off and unclasping my bra so easily. his mouth made it to my hardening nipple nibbling his tongue on it while other hand massaging my left breast. i interwined my fingers through his soft hair as he continue to suck my breasts

"uugh y–yoongi~" i continue moaning his name pain and pleasure is what i am feeling right now as he began biting my nipples. i know i am being selfish right now. but just one day,one night will be enough with me.

his lips are moving further down pulling my skirt up to my belly that makes me shiver and aroused, he kissed my core and looked up at me and ask permission

"can i?" i nodded and he moved my panties to the side as i moaned when i felt his hot breath to my core sending shivers down my spine "y–yoongi p–pleaseee" i begged being desperate for him. "i need you y-yoongi" i moaned out "you're getting it for being a slut y/n"his words can make even a boy horny, he fastly remove my skirt along with my panties.

yoongi is eating me out like a hungry man "f–fuck" the only word thats getting out of my mouth as he continues to work on his tongue technology on my wet core

"cumming~" i moaned out as i feel my high going soon "cum for me baby" he mumbled thats vibrating on my core as i release my high.

"hmm so sweet" he said going back to my mouth as i taste myself on him,our kiss become sloppy. he breaks the kiss and breath heavily.

i heard a belt falling on the carpet "so beautiful" he whispered to himself but i still manage to hear

"how about you suck me first before i give you want you want,huh?is that good" he said with a raspy voice while touching my ass cheeks i gently oblige him as he sat down the couch and i get on my knees. his eyes are so dark full of lust.

i pull his pants down along with his boxers while he remove his white shirt,his hardened cock sprung out proudly standing up onto his belly it was an average size but he was thick enough to make me shout in pleasure.

“suck”he said in full of dominance i licked his dick like a kitten as you heard him hiss.

"don’t be a fucking tease" he shoves his hips sliding himself between your parted lips and onto your mouth. you taste the saltiness of arousal leaking from his swollen cock, you take him all in swirling you tongue around his pulsating cock. "ugh,your tongue feels so fucking good baby."

yoongi moans like his stresses are melting away with every in out pace of your mouth on his cock. he grips you hair so tight knowing he is almost there "fuck baby deeper,just like that. ughh f-fuck" he controls the pace making you choke,tears escaped from your eyes "uhhh your mouth feel so good baby,y–yeah" he is mouth fucking you.

"take it all,d–dont leave any single drop" you suck harder "i–m c–cumming" he groaned "f–fuck y/n take it all" i can feel his grip on my scalp,tears are still flowing as his hot cream shots down to your throat "fucking swallow my cum baby"

he pulled me up to him making me sit on his lap "ride me y/n,ride me like a good girl"

"yes daddy" he spanked my ass feeling a hot stingy sensation.

spank

spank

spank

i only yelp by his actions,it hurts but its good.

"do you want daddy to fuck you hard,huh?"

he said with a low raspy voice he put his long slender finger under my dripping core making me jump

"y–yes d–daddy fuck me h–hard" i moaned desperately

"you're fucking dripping for me you slut" he pumps his dick and gently slide it inside your wet core. you squeezed your eyes feeling his thick cock inside your pussy.

you wrap your arms around yoongis neck and breathing hardly

"damn it,y–you're so tight y/n" he waits until i adjust and move up and down his lap with his cock inside my core

he suck my nipples making me moan so loud he stopped and sucked your collarbones marking his territory "this is fucking mine,all mine" he grips your waist fucking you harder

"ugh y–yes d–daddy fuck me harder" he seems to like the daddy kink "daddy kink huh,i love it" he whispered to your ears still fucking you senseless "does mrs.lee k–knows that her daughter is a f–fucking slut around my cock,huh?"he said burying his cock deep inside you as you arched your back.

yoongi's pov

she is a moaning mess,i haven't done this for a year i can say that she is really good at this. i can't lie i am enjoying her company,i want her always beside me,she is making me happy and most of all she's making me good but i'm not sure about the feeling "f–fuck daddy,y–yes!!" she moans as i fuck her harder than ever "y–you will forget y–your name baby girl" i laid y/n on her back parting her legs wider to get better access on her g-spot.

"am i hitting it huh?f-fucking answer me" i said as i push harder inside her tight pussy "y–yes y–yoongi" she moaned "l-look at me" i command as she open her eyes straightly looking into my eyes,she is driving me insane.

i can feel her clench on my cock warning that she is cumming i fastened my pace harder "i-im cumming!" she moaned loud "cum with me"i burried my face on the side of her neck saying dirty words," i fucking l–love you" he said.with one last hard thrust her cum collided with mine. i gently pull my softened dick outside her pussy and pecked her lips. "thank you y/n" and then collapsed on her side still chasing our breaths.

"for what?" she asked "for staying and taking care of me,erm and being a good friend,i guess?" she looked at me with her angel eyes. she don't deserve someone like me,she deserves someone who will treat her better "i'll clean you up". i said "n-no i can do it,s–sorry i–im leaving." why? after all she will leave? she stands up gathering all her clothes and wearing them one by one.i respect her decision to leave so i let her.

you pov

yoongi collapsed beside me after chasing our highs he finally speaked up "thank you" for what? "for what?" i replied "for staying and taking care of me,erm and being a good friend,i guess?" friends. friend of course i am just a friend,you want this y/n now accept the consequences.you just filled up his needs not his empty heart. "i'll clean you up" he said "n-no i can do it,s–sorry i–im leaving." i think we will both needing space after this incident. i leave wearing all my clothes and drive home.

i should've stayed but i feel like i was used. i know i liked it too but still he called me as his 'friend' fucking wont make us official and i know that so that i love you doesn't mean anything to him?

at home

"hello?y/n?why did you call at this hour? is there a problem?are you crying?" dahyun asked me so many times but i still sobs and cry like crazy "y–you were right,i shouldn't make decisions i will regret!" i cried even more remembering what happen between me and yoongi "it's all going to be fine y/n. you just loved knowing he doesn't finish loving someone else,sushhh its alright just cry it all out,ok?you have work tomorrow you should be beautiful" but i still cry

"dahyunnnn! i love yoongi!!!what should i do?!" she sighed after saying a word "just talk to him,thats the better thing to do y/n do not avoid him or something. just talk and say what you really feel all this time". she is right.

after weeks i will finally showed myself up for my last day im hospital as a nurse.i prepare to go to work,putting make up on because i cried a lot last night. i sat down on my bed looking in the mirror,theres so many boxes on my room,yup i am slowly packing all my things since yoongi and me became really close friends . i am preparing to leave since then.

after 1hour i arrived at the hospital,i am scheduled to shin hyenmin today i guess its really a bad day to start to. i go inside the hospital changing my clothes into nurses clothes. i can't see where my mom is,i guess she is busy. i gathered the tray with injections ready to go to yoongi's girlfriend,im in the front of her room door "you can do it y/n" i slowly open the door and peeked who's inside. its a group of boys talking to each other i can't see the others face but i assumed they are 7 guys including yoongi.

i finally made it inside and talk like a professional nurse "excuse me sir but i need to inject this to her today...you can all stay but um just move aside." i smiled at them not even looking at yoongi, "wait–y/n is that you?!" one guy speak up i can't see his face but when yoongi moves i finally saw him "jungkook?" its him,the one who organized my house in u.s "i thought you already leave the country–" he was cutted by the other guy and said "let her inject something on yoongis girl bro" the boy said with a boxy smile "um oh yeah sorry i carried away" after injecting on hyenmin yoongi goes to her not even sparing a glance on me,holding her hand.

"wah yoongi really love hyenmin" its a guy with a wide shoulders. "y/n can we talk?" jungkook said. "um-yeah sure,ummm outside?" i point my thumb outside the door and we both talk there. i saw yoongi looking at us but when he knew i was looking he looks back at hyenmin. "um see you later guys,just gonna talk with this beautiful lady here!" jungkook winks at them "nice one jk!"a cute like a sun guy said and i blushed and the bowed goodbye at them.

"sooo~what is it?" i asked him "yoongi hyung is talked us about you,a lot." he confronts me "b-but.how?why? r–really?" why did he do that? "we don't know either but we knew yoongi hyung so much and we know something bothering him,he seems very happy now we thought hyenmin wwas awake but he said it was a girl he met on piano class" jungkook explained "he has hyenmin,i am just,a friend"

I lowered my head and interwined my fingers together as jungkook hold my hands "no y/n i'm not here as your organizer. im here for my hyung he loves you. hyenmin cheated on him a lot but still he stays thats why she has an accident because hyenmin chase him when he ran away caughting her cheat and he blamed himself."

yoongi never told me that. but still. he still love her. i knew that,the way he looks at her,kiss her lips and hold her hands. not just because we had sex doesnt mean he loves me more like i said i fulfill his needs but not his empty heart.

"the hardest thing to do is to watch someone you love,love someone else." i cried,again. jungkook hugged me as friend and told me everything will be fine. they always say that but everything will not be fine. "so are you still leaving the country?" he asked breaking our hug. "um it was planned year ago before i fell inlove with yoongi,so it is still on plan"

—inside hyenmins room—

hoseok : yah!guys look at our jk he is making a move to a girl,im so proud!

as they peak through the window of the door.

namjoon : wahh he is really good at girls!

jimin : our maknae is holding a girls hand!!

seokjin & tae : let me see!!

yoongi : can you all be quiet!!! move!!! let me see!!!

seokjin : yah yoongi-ah just accept the fact that you like her! and stop being jealous they're probably 'friends' like you and her.

he teases him that pissed him off even if that is the fact.

tae : jin-hyung is right hyung we all know the fact that unnie cheated on you but still you blame yourself on what happened so you can't let go.

yoongi felt weak at their words.

yoongi : shut up. i wont leave hyenmin for any other girls out there.

jimin : lol hyung then stop talking to us on how happy you are when you're with her.

yoongis pov

they are all right,but hyenmin and i didn't broke up,i just ran away. my thoughts were gone when we saw hyenmin slowly opening her eyes. "CALL A DOCTOR!! hyung she open her eyes!" namjoon shouted i ran to hold hyenmins hand "are you awake?" i said in gentle voice. "y–yoongi,babe is that you?" she said while crying 'babe'? the doctors came and told us to step outside the room to check up on her when i saw jungkook and others leaving and y/n packing her nurses things.

"so?she's awake,congrats!" y/n said with a weak smile,i still dont know how to face her after what happen to us "i–im sorry y/n,i know i fucked up but–" she cutted me telling me words i was scared to hear "no need to apologize yoongi,none of this are your fault.

I wanted this at the first place,be happy with her make her smile,i know you love her more than anything.its funny actually how a person can break your heart,and you can still love them with all the little pieces.ha ha why am i tearing? sorry tears of joy". but i know deep inside i was heartbroken after all it was my fault.

dahyun was right i shouldn't make actions just like that but she was wrong that i will regret this because yoongi is the best choice i've chosen.

"go to her yoongi,i hope we can still be friends. ju–just forgot what happened to us like you said,you thank me for being a good friend and now i am and i am proud that i am your friend." i cannot stop my tears its just flowing on its own.

yoongi cannot even speak a word to me,i guess he is speechless haha "y/n i love you as–" as much as you think . i put words next on what he supposed to say "friend,i know yoongi. i don't really know why i'm still hoping but just wanted to tell you that i love you so much,not as a friend or a piano classmate,but as a man. thank you,you made me happy even in a short period of time.i will never forget those times we we're hanging out but you recieved a call from hospital because of hyenmin haha i cannot stop laughing when you forgot to brush your teeth that time,i missed you a lot" i confessed.

is this my way of saying goodbye?when i decided to walk out for fresh air yoongi stopped me by holding wrist "y/n i– i am really sorry for everything,can you please give me some time to figure this out?" he said as i looked into his watery eyes "make it up to her yoongi,i know she cheated on you and you took blame on what happen to her but– she still needs you there. i just filled up you needs but not your heart and i guess we should stop this unknown thing between us,lets go back being just 'friends'" of course i was hurr by my own words but i think thats for the best of the both of us.

he freed his holds to my wrist as i kept on walking outside the hospital for my last day.

Its all messed up.

also last day in this country,tomorrow will be my flight.

yoongi's pov

i was standing there dumbfounded and also,heart broken. people are calling me "sir ms. hyenmin is looking for you" but that all sounds blurry to me,i only think of y/n right now. is she leaving me? can i live without her presence beside me? without her cheering me up every fucking single day? do i love her? those are questions in my mind. "sir ms.hyenmin is looking for you" the nurse said. they way i feel jealous when she's with jungkook is already an answer . i love her . i just need to talk to hyenmin.

"yoongi,i've already talk to your dad and he wants you to be more realistic and marry someone who can help this hospital and the company bigger" my fathers friend,a doctor said i have enough for this shit,i should marry someone who i love not like this "how many times did you all tell me that?aren't you all tired?" i frowned my eyebrows and ask the doctor another question "how is she?"

"i told her to sleep for an hour,i need to talk to the parents but since they are not here pls tell them that their daughter suffered mild amnesia like i said when the accident happened,it has a big impact that affect her brain. the medicine we're giving to her will help her and will bring her memories back to normal.i'll go now let her rest" he said then go.

i messed up everything,i lost y/n. i lost a friend or should i say a love one.

i told hyenmins parents what happened and they begged me to help hyenmin until she fully regained memories and then i can go and broke things up between us. i dont want to agree but they were begging me to the point they get on their knees.

how about y/n? how about us? i'll comeback to you y/n i promise.

after 1 month hyenmin continues her treatment and regaining memories,i can tell that she is healed now. she took photos of us and post on her sns people really think we're fine but little did they know the man that keeps on going on her room when she is still in the hospital said to me that he is hyenmins secret affair. mentally,emotionally,i finished everything between us. i will broke up with her when she remember that she cheated on me. i wouldn't let her hurt me again.

"hey jungkook? how's y/n? i think she changed her number i reached for her mom but she is not in their house dad also told me that her mom quit her job. look i am asking you because you know her,right?" even its on phone i can feel that jungkook is nervous to tell me something.

"hyung i am very sorry but y/n told me not to tell you this–"

"just tell me that happened man!" i nearly shout.

"as you can she she changed her phone number and sns account so you cannot find her. she is currently on US now,she left the evening when we talk–"

my world seems to crash. all this time she were far from me. no one dare to tell me even dahyun.

"we're in contact,she opens up to me sometimes. she even told me that she is stalking hyenmins account and said 'they look happy' she is not yet moved on hyung,i dont want to tell her what you really feel it is something you should tell her so i get out of your boths business,im really sorry hyung but i hope this will help you"

"no– it's fine man no need to apologize i–i fully understand you intention" after that we said our goodbyes and he gave me y/n's account to just let me visit her account or apologize to her after all what happened.

i will promise to apologize to her and bring her back. I just need to clear everything to hyenmin.

your pov

i cant say i am living my best life now that i am far from the person i love the most,i feel lonely even having lots of friends here in US i feel really empty and sad.

the worst feeling is knowing from the start that its never gonna happen. knowing from the start that he's just too good,way out of your league. feeling concious about how look when time will come you two will meet again and what you do and yet,you try anyway.

you have daydreams and imagines and you just wish evenythough you know that he will never choose you. but the absolute worse is when he told you directly that he only sees you as a friend.

And somehow your heart just wont listen.

I hope there's a lifetime that waits for us in other side of the universe.

you're a good dream sadly i was awaken

should i make part 2?????😭

sorry for wrong grammars,english is not my first language. also i give credits for some quotes and words i used for other part i added. thank you so much. this is my first ever fanfiction i am very sorry if this is bad.

[themagicaltunaa]

Answer all the questions

well i have nothing to do so sure

1. What have you eaten today? 

some toast for breakfast, leftovers for lunch, and some cereal for dinner

2. Who was your last kiss with? Was it pleasant?

never kissed anyone, don't really care about that

3. What color shoes did you last wear?

light grey sneakers

4. Who has made you laugh the hardest in the last week?

Jeremy did, when I was watching his Alien Isolation stream on monday

5. What is your favorite scent?

I love the smell freshly baked goods

6. What is your favorite season? Why?

I love fall. I just love the aesthetic of the season, and my favorite holiday is during fall. I would love to experience it one day

7. Can you do a handstand or cartwheel?

lol nope. I was barely able to do it as a kid. If I tried now i’m pretty sure i’ll break something.

8. What color are your nails?

the regular pink color? I don’t paint my nails

9. If you had to get a tattoo on your face to save your life, what would it be?

aw geez, uhhh idk maybe like a tiny star or something

10. What is something you find romantic?

i dont know romantic things 

11. Are you happy?

eh

12. Is there anything in particular making you happy or sad?

no not really

13. Dogs or Cats?

cats. i like dogs too, but sometimes they’re too much to deal with. i’m more comfortable being with cats

15. Which do you prefer:a museum, a night club, the forest or a library?

museum

15. What is your style?

my style is “im trying”

16. If you could be doing anything you like right now, what would it be?

stay up all night to catch up on videos

17. Are you in a relationship or single?

single babeyyyy

18. What makes you attracted to the person you like right now?

nothing, because im not attracted to anyone

19. If you could replace your partner/best friend with a celebrity of your choice, would you? Who with?

i dont like celebrities

20. Are you holding on to something you need to let go of? If so then what?

i’m pretty sure i’m holding on to a lot of stuff, but I can’t seem to remember anything specific. if this question means metaphorically, the answer still works

21. How did you celebrate last Halloween?

I went to a drive thru haunted house with my 2 friends, and after we got some taco bell and went to the beach to eat our food. we sat there for like 10 minutes before it started to rain on us

22. Have you recently made any big decisions?

nope. I try not to in general , I hate having to make any sort of big decision because I starting stressing 

23. Were you ever in a school play?

I’ve always had stage fright so no

24. What movie would you use to describe your life?

uhhhh, I dont watch enough movies to pick one

25. Is there something you have dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? 

oh there’s plenty of things that I've dreamed of doing, but I just can’t do it because of anxiety 

26. Complete this sentence, “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”

I dont like sharing

27. What are two things that irritate you about the same sex?

uhhh idk? maybe the whole makeup culture thing? but it’s not like it irritates me I just don’t get it. I can’t really think of a second thing

28. What are two things that irritate you about the opposite sex?

too much to list

29. What is the best thing that has happened to you this week?

fuck if i know

30. What is something that makes you sad when you think about it?

can’t think of anything rn

31. How long was your longest relationship?

never been in one

32. Have you ever been in love?

pretty sure I have not

33. Are you currently in love?

nope

34. Why did your last relationship end?

see question 31

35. What jewelry are you wearing right now, and where did you get it?

not wearing any atm. actually, I just don’t wear jewelry in general

36. When was the last time you cried and why?

I think it was last week? I don’t remember why, it was probably something stupid

37. Name someone pretty.

the anon that sent me this ask

38. What did you receive last Valentines Day?

oh! I got a few gifts from my bestie :)

39. Do you get jealous easily?

no

40. Have you ever been cheated on?

no

41. Do you trust your partner/best friend?

sure

42. Ever had detention?

no because I was a good bean in school

43. Would you rather live in the countryside or the city?

city. the countryside sounds nice, but just the thought of being out in the middle of nowhere especially at night makes me nervous 

44. What do people call you?

by my name

45. What was the last book you read?

I do not remember. It’s been years since I’ve read a book

46. How big of a nerd/dork are you?

uhhh idk

47. What kind of music do you listen to?

anything that catches my fancy. I don’t really stick to one kind of genre

48. How tall are you?

my doctor said I’m allowed to say i’m 5′2

49. Do you like kids?

they’re alright. I can handle be around them for a bit, but I would never want to have any 

50. Favorite fruits?

watermelon, starfruit, and tangerines

51. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

jeans

52. What’s your earliest memory?

I was like 3-4, and I was at disney world with my family. I remember seeing a stage show of Bear in the Big Blue house, and I remember walking around ToonTown when it still existed

53. Ever had a poem or song written about you or to you?

i hope not

54. Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind it

55. Do you have a collection of anything?

I used to collect seashells as a kid and I still have some of the collection somewhere in my closet. I wanna start a new collection of something but idk what

56. Do you save money or spend it?

i try to save it

57. What would your dream house be like?

something cozy and not too big, with a cat or 2

58. What top 5 things make you the angriest?

its 11pm at the time of answering this, i really can’t think of anything to fill a list rn

59. What top 5 things always brings a smile to your face?

see the previous question

60. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

save the dog. i hate my job anyways so I don’t care

61. 72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

I would definitely tell my closest friends, and some of my family members, probably my mom’s side of the family. If I had the money to, I would like to travel to some places that i’ve always wanted to go to. I would have a month to accept that i’m gonna die so i think i would be fine. i’d rather get plenty of time to know i’m dying rather than like last minute. this has been a topic that i’ve been thinking of for a while now, not because I’m like thinking about death or anything, I just need something to kill time with at work

62. Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

a heart?

63. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

aw cmon, I can’t just think of stuff like that on the spot. I don’t even know where I would want to go

64. Do you like the beach?

It’s nice, especially in the early morning when everything is still calm and the beach isn’t packed with people yet

65. Ever sleep on the couch or a bed with someone special?

no? wtf does someone special mean?

66. Do you have a middle name? If so what is it!

Doesn’t everyone have a middle name? But yeah i do and i hate it so im not saying anything

67. Do you talk to yourself?

in my head all the time

68. Describe your hair.

brown, curly, very long because I haven’t cut it in almost a year, it’s very annoying

69. What is the meaning of life.

I wish i knew

70. What is your ideal partner like?

no one

71. Do you want to get married?

no

72. Do you want to have kids?

 ew no

73. Like or dislike your family?

 they’re bearable

74. Are you Chunky or Slim?

I’m more than chunky, i’m just straight up fat

75. Would you consider yourself smart?

lol no. I’m an absolute dumbass

76. What would you change about your life?

everything if i could

77. Religious or Not?

no not really

78. You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

I don’t drink so this would never happen

79. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

it sure isnt because no one is there

80. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

uhhhh no. I don’t really care tbh

81. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

idk

82. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

i’m not opening the door because no one is there

83. Do you like when people play with your hair?

ehh not really. It’ll just make it frizzy

84. Do you like bubble baths?

no

85. Have you ever been pulled over by a cop?

I need to drive in order for that to happen

86. Have you ever danced in the rain?

no. its not fun getting soaked in the rain

87. Do you trust anyone with your life?

not really? 

88. What was your first thought when you woke up this morning?

why does god allow suffering

89. If money wasn’t an issue, what top 10 places would you travel to? (You get to stay at each place for a week)

1.greece

2. peru

3.disney world only because I have not been to all the parks yet, also i can bug my brother while i’m there

theres a lot more but i’m too tired to fill out the rest of the list

90. How was your day today?

it was fine

91. Play an instrument?

used to play mellophone/french horn in band in high school. after I graduated I haven’t touched an instrument since

92. Describe the what you think of the ocean.

it’s scary

93. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts?

aliens as anything that counts as a living organism not of this world, not green little men from mars nonsense. the universe is too big for only life to be on earth. for ghosts, i’m still iffy about them, but that doesn’t mean i’m gonna start walking around haunted places and call the ghosts a bitch

94. Honestly, are things how you wanted them to be?

abosolutely not. every day I regret all the decisions i’ve made through my life. does that mean I’m trying to fix said mistakes or try not to do them again? lol no 

95. Do you have a mean bitchy scary side?

in my mind i do. I’m too scared of everyone to actually do it

96. When are you vulnerable?

always

97. How much free time do you have?

doesn’t feel like much. saturday and sunday go by way too fast and i feel like when i go home from work theres just not enough to relax. im tired all the time

98. Do you like to go hiking?

never been

99. Odd or Even Numbers?

even

100. Would you ever go sky diving, bungee jumping , cliff diving, wing suit gliding, parasailing, snorkeling, or other extreme activities?

no because I actually have self preservation. I am also a very big chicken

[insporaelynn]

📲 raelynn && roman

WHEN: january 24-26th 

DESCRIPTION: just best friends talking and being obsessed with each other. rae confides in him about her ex drama.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: drug mention, probably sex mention.

@romanbeckett​

Roman

Hi love of my life. I miss your face. How’s it going??

raelynn

my baby

god, i miss you too. i'm doing okay, how're you tonight?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

it’s been an off day, not even gonna lie lol super sore and tired. I just wanna be back to normal already

raelynn

oh no

how's your scar healing up? the boys are taking care of you right??

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

it’s okay I guess bleh lol and not tonight. I’m all alone

raelynn

Where's Q? Is Aaron working?

Well I guess I should know that since I'm literally at work. Lmao.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

Q is working on music. Aaron has des tonight

raelynn

ugh. i wanna lay with you and kiss ur face.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

are you busyyy? I can burn us some cookies

raelynn

i'm working but I'd love to see you after if you're still up.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

of yeah you just said you’re at work lmao fucking weed

yes please come by when you’re done

raelynn

LMAO I KNOW THE FEELING

absolutely, i'm yours.

u know niamh was trying to figure out who rue's date was and she was like "is it you" bc i mentioned that I have a dick appt with him tomorrow night.

and i was like. dude, no, for like, a thousand reasons. like, why would that ever be me???

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚n.

oh god, I’m so out of the loop with gossip lately, it’s sad. I didn’t even know he had a date lol

raelynn

it's apparently some big secret but he's having people help him dress up and asking about flowers and candy and niamh is like "bitch is it you" and i'm like. LMAO.

like is there anything about me that says flowers and candy

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

Hahahahahhahahahahaha HAHAHA

that really made me laugh too hard.

raelynn

like, i'm not the flowers girl, i'm the sneak out in the night girl, the middle of the afternoon girl, all those things, but flowers girl???? sdkfdskksd

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I’m 100p a flowers girl

raelynn

YOU ARE AND YOU'RE WORTH IT MY BABY

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

my parents are coming in to town this week. Gotta tell them I have two boyfriends haaaa. Pray for me

raelynn.

I feel like that should be the least shocking thing about you??? In a good way.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

yeah, I definitely keep them on their toes

raelynn

tell ur boyfriend that if he wants me to continue wearing body glitter he's going to have to pay me extra

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

omg but I love body glitter fyi

raelynn

I did an onlyfans video with Lilah earlier and I'm like 80% sure that I left glitter on her sheets. Like I'm a fucking unicorn.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

that makes me so happy I can’t even lie

I too wanna leave glitter everywhere

man I need to do only fans

raelynn

i would a thousand percent subscribe

both bc i'm a perv and also bc i'm a very supportive best friend.

we could get naked and do a body glitter photoshoot

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

and I love this about you

that sounds like a dream?? Wow

raelynn

would love nothing more than to apply body glitter to ur glorious tiddies.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

my tillies would appreciate it

Hahahaa it hurts to laughhhh

raelynn

SORRY SORRY I'M GOING TO BE VERY SERIOUS NOW

clears throat Um. The National Debt.

it is my understanding that there is. National Debt.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

hahahah I love you

raelynn

Blah blah, topics. Blah blah, smart people jargon, blah blah

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

god it’s so boring isn’t it

would so much rather talk about titties

raelynn

God same.

Like how yours are somehow bigger than mine.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I know, I need some sort of support at this point I think

raelynn

we could get you fitted for bras somewhere maybe that'd be fun

it'd look actually so hot

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

well I already wear lingerie in the bedroom. Might as well.

raelynn

you will be the absolute death of me, you're simply too gorgeous and too sweet to exist.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

stahhpppp you’re making me blushhhh. Right back atcha my babe

raelynn

is there anything you want me to bring you when i'm done here?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

just yourself. I’ve got good ass weed

raelynn

and for the millionth time, i realized, you are my soul mate.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

you’re mine, lovie.

raelynn

i wish i could've had appendix surgery instead of you

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

noooo don’t be silly lol I’m okay darling.

raelynn.

no i hate that you were in pain even for like a second i hate it so much!!

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

stop it, I love you. You cutie. Oh god okay I’m gonna make us cookies.

raelynn

Dont burn the house down my beautiful twin flame

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I always get cookie dough thinking I’ll do better next time. I still have that unearned confidence

raelynn.

Thats bc im always building you up and rightfully so

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

yes you do and I live for it. I also really love fresh cookies right out of the oven, I just want to make that happen

raelynn

I believe in you my little tropical starfish

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

raelynn

literally you

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

hehehehe ⭐️

raelynn

i don't think anybody's ever gonna love me more than you

and i think. i think maybe that's okay?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

that’s not true. You’re gonna find someone who is gonna blow you away

raelynn

yeah but even if i did, would I even be able to love them without being scared of them?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

yeah, I think so. I’ve had to overcome a lot of walls and fears myself that I never thought I could. The right person makes it easier.

raelynn

idk there are a lot of people i could've loved if i hadn't been so....this lmao

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I think it’ll just take some time!

raelynn

you have so much faith in me.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

of course I do. I think you can do anything.

raelynn

i'm not really sure.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

you don’t have to be cause I ammmmm

raelynn

and you're the smartest person in the world

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

in the whole world?? Damn. I’m not near as rich as I should be then.

raelynn

how about I stay over with you tonight and we get some breakfast in the morning? I did really good on tips tonight.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

okay!! I’d love that

raelynn

good 'cause i don't get to spend nearly as much time with you as i wanna

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I knowwww. We haven’t had a sleepover in so long

raelynn

you can cuddle up to me and i'll feed you cookies and kiss your hair

revolutionary. better than therapy.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

Yes!!!!

raelynn

loml

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I finished the cookies baby and I didn’t burn them to a crisp

raelynn

you fucking legend

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I’m pretty damn proud of myself not gonna lieeeee

[...]

raelynn

extremely sad that i couldn't stay at breakfast with you all day

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

same

now I’m bored

raelynn

i swear after i left you my day went down the tubes.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

oh no I’m sorry

who do I need to fight

raelynn

well carson is back.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

oh god, tell me more

raelynn

idk why he's back but wes gave him my number bc i guess when i told him to lose it he took it to heart which like good i wanted him to

but anyway i screamed at him in the chat

everyone called me a hypocrite bc i told ivy to stop being a bitch in the chat awhile back. which tbh i didn't remember even doing, i just be saying shit.

like alex opened his fuckin mouth and i'm like what dog do you have in this fight

oh and DELILAH is moving in with carson bc he's "like her brother!!!" never mind the fact that he cheated on me bc i guess friendship doesn't mean much anymore

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

wow that’s...messy. Wtf lilah though seriously

raelynn.

So then Carson texts me bc wes gave him my number and that felt like being??? Pushed back in time against my will

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

that’s not cool

raelynn

So yeah a lot of crying today

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

*chick with knife emoji*

me rn

raelynn

Cute but lethal

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

*img attachment* 

and not at all high...

raelynn.

you're so hot jesus christ.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I love you.

raelynn.

love u more than life itself

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

*img attachment of a keychain that says PUSSY WAGON* 

this was recommended to me on Instagram and now I want it.

raelynn

LET'S GET THEM MATCHING.

EVEN THOUGH I DON'T HAVE A CAR

AND THEREFORE NO KEYS FOR SAID CAR

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

it would be perfect for my Volkswagen

raelynn.

omg and with me in it...it really WOULD be a pussy wagon......

big brain

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

hahahahah

raelynn

we should road trip soon

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I would love that so much honestly

raelynn

where should we go?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

Disney world!!

raelynn

will u propose to me there

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

wouldn’t that be romantic as heck

raelynn.

THE most romantic and also we'd maybe get free dessert

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I never turn down anything free.

raelynn

me neither. not the taylor family way

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

hahaha I love you.

raelynn.

we'll start planning a summer trip, just us.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

yay yay yay yay!

raelynn.

i'm gonna wear a tiara the whole time.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.BOT01/25/2021

with Mickey ears?

raelynn.BOT01/25/2021

of course, i'm not a monster.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

hahahaa

[...]

raelynn

I hate dudes.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

they’re a mess aren’t they lol

raelynn

Had a temporary lapse in sanity and agreed to meet Carson for coffee lol and he canceled like 15 mins before we were supposed to meet for a probably fake meeting lmao its so typical but I fell for it

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

babe I’m so sorry

raelynn

Like im just so tired

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

how can I make it better

raelynn.

I don't know honestly and I wish I did.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I love you.

raelynn

I love you.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

you’re my baby

raelynn

you're MY baby

[shiro-0197]

I'm so sorry for the late reply 😭😭😭 I was so busy yesterday and then when I was finally free I was so tired and just ready to collapse somewhere— and I woke up with the worst cramps so I was just grouchy this whole morning and afternoon 😣😭😭 I'm sorry!! But I'm feeling better now, so don't worry!!

Gloves are handy haha. Unrelated, but do you like fingerless gloves?

You're such a great friend, honestly. Also, I meant to ask, do you two share a birthday too?

AKDJSKJSKS ‼️‼️‼️😿😿😿😿😿 hmm okay fine🥺🥺🥺🥺, bUT IT'S SO FUN :DDDD

your mom is literally superwoman, she's such a strong, brave, person, I can see where you get all your good traits from, now. 💖💖 And I'm really glad you told me about her. 😆

🥺🥺🥺🥺Uno reverse tho, you're way cuter 👉👈

that's understandable tho hahahah, I think it's an acquired taste. Crabs probably do taste good :D I should try, in the future. But I'm allergic to shrimp, so that's also why I stay away from seafood in general. Are you allergic to anything?

yes please omg I'm melting 😭😭 something specially made by you?? Perfection ‼️‼️‼️✨

oh I see!! I love using chopsticks because they're so compact and easy to keep. Plus most people use them the wrong way, but my grandma is Chinese, so she always made sure I used them the right way, and like, knew lots of stuff about our Chinese culture xD sorry for going offtopic!! How about you, are your grandparent big on stuff like that?

thank you so much bae. The fact that you understand me, even if I'm a bit salty at times means the world, and I hope you know I'm here for you if you ever wanna cuss at the world too >:) always ✨

I definitely did smile :D I saw fireworks last night, with a friend. My brothers called a couple of their friends over— and I ended the year with a smile, and started one with a smile too!! I hope you did as well? And I can't wait to see what memories we'll make this year 😼😼💖 do you have any plans for the first day of the year? Abigail is coming in a few minutes to pick me up, but she won't tell me where we're going, so I'm excited about that! What about you?

I love you Shiro. I really am so glad I met you. And even though 2020 had it's ups and downs, it was precious because we found each other :)

It's alright!! I've been busy (and asleep till 12, ahem) too, so it's fine hehe. I'm glad you're feeling better but I'm vv sorry your morning was like that:(( Not the best start of the year😭

I do! I think they're badass, and even though I usually forget about thei existence, I get an aesthetically pleased feeling whenever I look at them :D

Yeah, that's basically how we found each other, tho he had a different insta page at the time. It was on someone else's post, where it said "comment your birthday and find your twin" and I took a look at his posts and stories and I was like "we are one", that's basically it. Now I'm his dog or something😭

Sunshine I know it's fun but breaking your spine or getting a bruise if were talking no exaggerations isn't, so better be careful😡😡

She totally is and I always feel like an absolute asshole when I dont appreciate her or raise my voice at her because of my anger issues LIKE SIR YOURE THE WORST hopefully I'll learn to be calm😭

Nonononsense, you're the cutest there is, no comebacks🤭

Ohhh, I've never tried shrimp😭😭 Someone told me it feels like moist fishy cake which sounds bad on it's own but they love it so ehh XD I'll try it if I can, hopefully I don't waste my money when I do.

Well, not that I'm aware of? I havent tried everything in the world yet, so I dont know, but I dont think im allergic to anything~

Ohh, that's so cool! I havent really met any of my grandparents in a while, but as much as I've visited them, none of them were really into culture or anything😔 all they knew is to curse at their exes and children qkdkwkkd Dont worry about going offtopic!! It's actually nice to know something about your family and etc, it's pretty cool !!

Theres no need to thank me!!! That's what friends are for, ay? I'll surely keep that in mind, and I'll totally message you if I wanna rant^з^

Ik so glad to hear that!! I did as well, I had some very nice snacks during the countdown and it was wonderful xD I also had some random guy message me saying happy new year, and were probably never gonna talk to each other again but it was fun knowing him.

I dont really have any plans for today, just a walk, a call with Kuro and another sandwich XD

I'm looking forward to our new year with each other as well! Im so glad I got to meet you<33 I love you lots, hope your day is going well!❤❤

[zontiky]

Okay but au where they're not all related and five is a mysterious orphan Diego keeps running into at odd hours of the night and then him just being like "fuck it he's like 13 he can't be out alone at night" and then just takes him home like a godamn stray and five is THRIVING under the positive attention he never had I beg of you please feed my soul. Also sorry if this doesn't make sense I've had 2 hours of sleep and like 8 coffees today

i think i’ve read a fic similar to this but FUCK YEAH let’s do this (sorry im so late btw i havent been feeling bullet points lately fksjdfks) ALSO HEY OP PLEASE DON’T DIE I HOPE YOU’RE OK??? 

so diego is still a cop and he’s patrolling or doing whatever it is that cops do, and then he sees a kid sitting in an alley

obviously he pulls over like “hey kid you okay?” and the kid is like “shut up go away bootlicker” and diego is instantly “okay then come on im taking you to get food”

the kid doesn’t want to go but at the same time diego can tell he knows that there’s really no better options. this child looks hungry

so the kid and diego go to griddy’s and the kid says his name is five when asked

“that’s not a name”

“is too”

diego+fam have a long history of trauma and reginald called them by number which was their birth order or something? idk OH SHIT WAIT YOU SAID NOT ALL RELATED OK OK COOL SO

luther is a mechanic who diego knows because he’s the dude who’s often the one repairing his car, they’re on pretty good terms and go out for coffee sometimes because luther hates alcohol and diego’s body is a temple so he doesn’t drink

diego is diego he’s a cop but he’s highkey broke and i really don’t know how much cops get paid? hm

ok google says from 34.6k - 89.4k a year and numbers mean nothing to me so lets say he’s just a gremlin who lives in a boiler room because it’s efficient

OR he’s still dating eudora and lives with her

you know what that’s probably the better option i’m gonna go with that. they don’t have as much childhood trauma even though none of the “siblings” come from exactly good homes? but none of them were raised by reggie mcfuckface so it’s less like,,, bad even though they’re all fucked up

WAIT DO THEY HAVE THEIR POWERS

HELL YEAH THEY HAVE THEIR POWERS

ok ok so luther is a mechanic who uses his super strength and endurance to just fucking carry cars around his garage and i know NOTHING about mechanics as a profession but but but luther is good at what he does

diego is a cop who lives with eudora and throws knives like a boss. he also throws tennis balls really hard because stabbing people on duty isn’t advised

you know what? i’m gonna say allison ISNT a movie star, shes a smaller actress with minor roles here and there because she’s a mom and spends time with claire. she doesn’t use her rumor as much because honestly she doesn’t see a reason to? like sometimes she’ll go “i heard a rumor you gave me a free shot of coffee” and like,,, that’s it shfskd

her and patrick are still divorced but that’s because they did it the healthy way. they knew they were drifting apart but instead of rumoring him they broke it off mutually and they still meet up for coffee. they’re friends ok. claire loves her parents

klaus! klaus has problems but because im a soft bitch dave is here in 2019. he’s… also a mechanic…. they all know eachother but dave knows luther and diego pretty well. luther via work and diego via luther

yes klaus! so klaus has a history of drugs and addiction, because while he wasn’t shoved into a mausoleum ghosts screaming at you all the fucking time doesn’t help with staying sober

but because he has a support network he can fall back on he’s doing well, he’s a barista in a coffee shop that allison and patrick & diego and luther frequent

shoutout to klaus

five is an orphan he’s 13 and small and kind of a genius? fuck what if as a kid five accidentally time-traveled to 2019 and thaT’S HOW HE BECAME AN ORPHAN 

galaxy brain

so five is this kid in the wrong time living on the streets not knowing how things work

i mean he does obviously because he catches on quick and he’s smart but really he doesn’t know how some shit works ok. he’s clueless when it comes to technology and pop culture and shit

ben!! ben is alive!! he’s a part time writer and a full time librarian!! he knows klaus because during his homeless days klaus stuck around the library because free bathrooms and also reading to take his mind off the ghosts. they become really close and ben gets klaus to move in with him and then he’s trying to get sober and then ben’s car crashes and that’s how they meet luther and dave OHHHH

additionally: klaus illustrates some of ben’s books because he knows how to draw yay

vanya! she’s first chair in the orchestra and she’s dating helen cho because i say so

so vanya kicks ass at violin, she’s being gay teaching lessons all that good shit what more is there to say

harold isn’t here because there was never an umbrella academy

hmmm back to the,,, actual plot,,, im sorry sksfhdjsk

SO DIEGO FINDS FIVE RIGHT

AND HE’S LIKE “oh no this child is awakening my paternal instincts oh no i have to take him home with me now”

eudora opening the door to see her husband boyfriend with an angry looking teenager at his side: dear god what did you do this time

eudora instantly bonds with five and i mean INSTANTLY like she lays eyes on him and goes “child?? small?? looks lonely?? must protect” and five looks at her like “badass looking lady she probably knows what shes doing might as well ask for info and stuff” but hes actually thinking “oh dang she looks like she knows what she’s doing RESPECT” and yeah ksdjhsdkf

then five expects them to be mean or just get tired of him and kick him out but?? they dont??? wack

diego is instantly like “kid where do you live”

‘um’

“you live somewhere right???”

‘UM’

they find out he’s legally dead and thats another can of worms entirely

so they register and foster five

diego and eudora are registered foster parents you cannot change my mind alright

then five is introduced to luther and dave, and also ben and klaus because theyre hanging around the shop bc it’s their off day

so five instantly has 4 more people giving him instant love and validation and he’s like “woah”

THEN ALLISON AND PATRICK

claire too,, claire immediately adopts five as her older brother

this entire time five is like “i can’t stay im gonna leave soon you all know this right” and eveybody is “yep ok sure” but they all know hes gonna stay

hhHHHH GAME NIGHTS

five beats everybody at scrabble

diego beats everybody at darts, even though everybody calls him out for cheating

vanya beats everybody at musical chairs. she levitates the chairs so nobody can sit down

luther beats everybody at outdoor games. do not play tag with this man you might not make it out alive

allison is the QUEEN of blurt! 

ben is so good at charades it’s unfair

klaus honestly sucks at board games, but he always wins uno and nobody knows how (its the ghosts skfhsdkf)

five is so confused because its obvious all of them are cheating but??? nobody cares?? what

“it’s because it’s fun nobody is actually upset”

whaaaaaaat

so they have to explain to him that they dont play to win they play to have fun and its just a fun thing they do to spend time together and bond

five: mind blown

THEY TAKE HIM TO AN AQUARIUM

BEN JUST CHILLS WITH THE OCTOPI THE ENTIRE TIME

FIVE BONDS WITH CRABS

THEY ALL LOVE SEALS

five gets exposed to modern culture!! klaus and ben teach him memes is what i’m saying 

five goes to school!!! he makes friends!!!! they have nice sleepovers and diego and eudora make them cookies :’)

i want to say. okay so.

reginald exists and he had made grace eariler as preparation for the children he was going to adopt, but he died before he could buy any babies

so grace exists! and!! she knows the “siblings”!!!

so five has a grandma because im not going to lie grace is basically all of their’s mom

she lives in the mansion but she can go outside and DO THINGS and she makes them COOKIES and she LOVES HER KIDS and GRANDKIDS and five ADORES her ok

basically five is happy with his pseudo family that’s it thank you for your time

wait no actually he figures out how to time travel safely and he does go back and forth

sometimes he pops in and he’s like “hey we ran out of milk” and then a second later he’s like “for the love of god wait until tomorrow to get milk dont ask why you dont wanna know” and its obvious that he came back from the future and HHHHHH YES

the commission can’t do shit because found family love is simply too strong

hazel and agnes are the nice couple who run griddys and birdwatch

five is fond of them too honestly like he just loves going to griddys because it has so many happy memories for him and its where he met diego (sorta) and also yay hazel and agnes!!

SO YEAH BASICALLY: FIVE IS HAPPY AND THIS AU IS GOD TIER THANK YOU

THIS IS A GOOD ONE I LIKE THIS AU THANK YOU

[jadondonsancho]

Insecure. anyone.

Hey guys! I've decided to try my hand at this writing thing! This started as a chilly story but I decided to leave out the names so you can imagine it with anyone you'd like :)

My asks are open for any requests or constructive criticism, hope you enjoy!

Lots of love xxx

_______________

He came home upset. The result wasn't terrible, a clean sheet and a point meant a decent start to the season. But he wasn't happy. And the last thing he wanted was to come back home to you, knowing what was waiting. The night before an offhand comment he made, a stupid stupid comment he can't even belive he said had put him in the dog house. Deservedly. You hadn't even said a word, just ended the FaceTime.

Fuck.

As he pulled up to the driveway, he could feel his heart in his throat. Your car was still in its usual spot so he knew you were home. He couldn't decide if he was relieved you hadn't left or nervous about what was to come.

Today was supposed to be a great day, the first game of the new season, he was looking forward to spotting you in the stands as he always does. He knew you wouldn't show today but that didn't stop him from scanning every face in the crowd twice, just to make sure. Of course you weren't there, he didn't even know if you watched at home.

His key turned in the door as he took a deep breath, preparing himself for anything on the other side. What met him was silence. Unsure of whether to call out to you or not he placed his keys on the hook, right next to yours. Further proof you were still there.

__________

The argument started when you had brought up, once again an article in a gossip magazine about him sleeping around with other girls. You knew better than to believe them but you let your insecurities get the better of you. Can he blame you? He's this ridiculously good looking footballer, it's no secret he's got money and let's be honest he was known for sleeping around before he met you.

The night before a home game meant he was staying at the teams hotel, as per usual you FaceTimed each other before bed. You had seen the magazine while doing some grocery shopping earlier that day, the headline imprinted in your memory. This was the 3rd one this month alone. You knew he hated to talk about it and you could understand why. Constantly needing to defend yourself to the person whose supposed to trust you the most must be exhausting.

He didn't need to defend himself though, all you really wanted was him to tell you that you weren't going crazy and that he loved you. Instead, he had scoffed and said "seriously? When would I have the time? I barley have time to sleep with you!", you could sense the irritation in his voice but at the same time, his comment stung. He had hit you right where it hurt.

Work had been stressful and he'd been away in LA for most of the summer on holiday, you had joined him for a week and that had been fun but unlike his, your job didn't offer you a summer break so it was right back home and seperated from him for a few weeks.

So to say things in the bedroom had halted would be an undstatement. And you felt guilty as hell, it wasn't like you didn't want to, God it had been so long it was pretty much all you could think about but between his preseason tour and your exhausting job you haven't had the time or the energy, life just kept getting in the way.

So when those words left his mouth, he pretty much confirmed all the things you had been mulling over for weeks. One; that he was getting tired of the relationship, two; that he resented you for not sleeping with him more often and three; that the tabloids were right.

You had watched the game on tv, despite your anger at him you couldn't resist. He played well but you knew he wouldn't be happy with his performance, the standards he holds for himself, ridiculously high. And he seemed distracted, which added to your guilt.

-------------

He rounded the corner and peeked into the living room to see if maybe you were watching TV, the room was empty. He checked the kitchen next, on the island was a plate of food. Like there normally is when he comes home late from a game. He couldn't help but smile, no matter how upset you were, you still couldn't stop yourself from taking care of him. He kicked himself for his stupidity, he couldn't believe how lucky he was to have you in his life and he hated making you feel upset.

He checked your home office before deciding you were probably upstairs in bed watching Netflix or something. Slowly he started up the stairs trying to figure out a way to apologize, trying to decide how to make it up to you. Gently he opened the bedroom door. There you were, eyes peeled to the tv screen. You were watching some sort of trashy reality show, the ones you had said were always a good distraction.

"Hey", he said lowly. Not wanting to disturb you too much.

You turned to look at him, the first thing he noticed was how puffy and red your eyes were. His heart broke knowing he was the reason for your tears.

"Hey", you whispered back before turning your attention back to the tv. No mention of the game, no indication that you wanted to indulge in any further conversation.

He stood their awkwardly at the door to his own bedroom, unsure of what to do next. All he wanted to do was give you the hug you so clearly needed but he didn't want to upset you more. "uhm, I'm gonna go take a shower, is it okay if we talk after?", he said warily.

"yeah I guess, whatever, I'm surprised you have the time", your reply was short, alluding to his comment the night before.

"babe c'mon", he sighed, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that"

"well how the fuck did you mean it then? I don't think you could have put your point across any clearer!" you snapped turning to face him at the door.

"nah, nah, nah!" he shook his head taking a step toward you, "don't be like that, you know what I'm trying to say! Don't try and act like I'm the only one in the wrong here! How many fucking times are we going to have the same argument? How many times will I need to defend myself?"

Anger filled him again. He was exhausted and frustrated with this. Everytime an outrageous rumor was printed about him in the papers, another fight followed. He was done.

You froze, not expecting him to retaliate so harshly. Tears filled your eyes as you realized he was right, this was as much your fault as his and he had every right to be upset with you too. You still felt the need to defend yourself though.

"It's just so fucking frustrating, like you don't think I don't feel shit about our nonexistent sex life? You dont think I don't want to get back to how we used to be? So when you say shit like that and then add in my pre-existing insecurities, the fact that thousands of woman wanna fuck you in your DMs and then it being in all the papers that they have been...it just makes fucking sense that you would be sleeping around, you're not getting it at home, you look the way you do, you're a footballer for fucks sakes...im sorry I trust you, I do, it's just so fucking hard sometimes" your outburst hit him like a tonne of bricks.

You've had this argument so many times but you'd never actually said out loud how insecure you felt. How jealous you felt. For the first time he could kind of imagine what it felt like, he feels a similar way when he sees guys at the club look you up and down, or when one of his friends comments on your looks. It drives him crazy, but what you had to deal with was worse. Because it was everywhere, all the time. On Instagram and Twitter, in the papers, even in the whispers of people around you when you went out.

"babe...babe I'm sorry, I am. I really didn't mean to make you feel guilty or insecure. I love you, you know that right? And I'm definitely not sleeping around. Okay? You're the only person I'm interested in, the only person I want to sleep with and you genuinely have no reason to be insecure! " he rattled off, moving to sit opposite you on the bed. His hand gently reached up to cup your cheek. His thumb sweeping away the tears rolling down your face. "I am a footballer, but that doesn't mean you're not out of my league"

You grabbed his other hand with both of yours, placing it in your lap. His words temporarily causing you to smile. "I'm sorry I'm like this, I'm sorry I keep bringing this up", you replied looking down at his fingers intertwined with yours.

"hey, look at me", he tilted your head up with his finger so you could look him in the eyes, those beautiful eyes that drew you in all those years ago. "don't ever apologize, it's okay, I know it's hard but I promise you, you have my full attention, always. I love you" he continued.

"I love you too", you smiled at him, leaning in for a kiss, soft and gentle but full of emotion. Immediately making you feel lighter and making the tension in the room dissapte.

He pulled you closer, into a hug. The two of you sat like that, holding one another for ages, a much needed embrace.

"does this mean we can have sex tonight?", he asked teasingly, leading a reluctant laugh to escape your lips as you punched him playfully on the arm.

Leaning back, you looked him in the eyes once more and through a smile you replied, "you've gotta take a shower first, you reek"

[mathieubellamont]

man in relation to that last post, and its not really related to this blog outside of it but its weighing on my mind

ive seen two things lately about audiences and content creators, specifically those of the Edgy kind. And, as a disclaimer, i am both LGBT and mixed race and oh, also disabled, and i am not saying “yes their content is offensive But you should care about them more” like ofc im gonna care more about the people who are hurt by the spreading of harmful shit but. anyway

whats been on my mind is the fact that these creators create, with all their edginess and their discarding of feelings for Facts and whatnot forms these audiences that, even if mild in their reactions, have and hold no place for feelings, and people who they disagree with. Even the ones who just have “Comedic” content thats laughing at minorities and whatnot, it breeds things in the audience - and attracts peole who’re already infected by it - that focus on laughing and making fun of people and tearing people down who they just mildly disagree with. We all knew that, but specifically whats weighing on my mind is that........... When you do that, theres no backing down. If you realise youve been wrong somewhere and the people youre attacking have been right, if you realise you dont want to make this content anymore, if you realise you’re tired or stressed, or the environment youve created has gotten too toxic, how are you going to back down? People look to you for their vicious entertainment, people look to you for things to tear apart however lightly, to Roast or to offend or to seriously hurt, and if you arent providing fresh bodies to that audience, theyll take it from you. You have to either be sure when you go into creating edgy content that youll be doing this for the rest of your life, or youre ok with being the subject of what youre inflicting on others when you stop. That, or you have to hope to god that your audience gets bored of you before you call it quits

like...... It all boils down to this. Edginess attracts two main kinds of people, people who are clueless about the harm theyre doing and looking to parrot others/who want to make people uncomfortable or upset/who want to make people feel like they feel, thats one category, and the other main category is genuinely fucked up people who like to see the hurt and the offence it causes, who want women/other minorities to be uncomfortable at best or unwelcome or feel in danger at worst, people who show through their humour that theyre willing to act in ways that hurt people for fun. The first category, people who dont get the harm it causes and just want to shock people (which, as a person clueless to microaggressions and racism and why things actually offend people could either be just surprise Or serious harm they label as shock), theyre clueless about the power youre breeding in them and the cluelessness, but the second group of people are actively harmful. Either way, when you finally need your audience to be understanding, when you need to post your “my mental health is going downhill and i cant ignore it anymore” video or post, youre stuck with these people, and obviously others outside those categories, but youre stuck with them. The people who are willing to beat down already beaten down minorities? Who reduce everyone to a set of stereotypes and if they disagree with any quality you have youre their target? Who think doxxing and swatting are funny, who think harrassment and death threats are just edgy and, well, you know edgy is totally fine right?? Edgy is good right?? what are you going to do?

Maybe when youre in your hour of need your audience will have a change of heart, but if you attract an audience who follow you for and approve of your disregard for peoples needs, who make fun of and attact people saying they need help (”i suffer at the hands of oppression” “im disabled” “im a targeted minority” “ive suffered from harassment” etc) what do you think theyre going to do to you when you dont want to play the game anymore? 

Like theres a leap in logic here between being an edgy content creator and definitely reaching a point where you wont do it anymore. Yes, maybe youll be edgy for the rest of your life....... But as someone who was an edgy teenager slinging around slurs constantly and racist and homophobic and transphobic shit...... The end to that was the singular logical conclusion for me as someone trying to be a good person. When you actually learn about these things, or when you start to live it as an lgbt person or you reconnect with your nonwhite half, or you have a family member who is assaulted, or a friend who finally confesses their online harassment and the severe damage its done to them, and you have an audience waiting for you to tell them who to laugh at/treat like shit if they want to because well, theyre wrong and stupid arent they, why should anyone treat them well - thats the conclusion a lot of these people take from seeing people be made the butt of jokes.......... What are you going to do?

Ive always tried to make this blog a mentally and emotionally safe place. Ive made mistakes, but ive always tried to own up to them and learn from. Like, yeah, theres been some racist shit on this blog before, probably some transphobic shit too, ive had this blog since i just turned 17 in dec. 2013....... Its important for my followers that i cultivate a place that is good for them, that isnt stressful, that focuses on good content or. me having fun in video games lmao. and why is that good? well, because i want to. Its not necessarily the right thing to do nor the wrong thing to do, it just Is morally. But when it comes to cultivating an audience based on constantly shocking people, and making people uncomfortable, and making innocent people scared to exist or ashamed of their existence or hurt because theyre reminded that what they are is disgusting to people like you, whether you mean it or not? Thats where I feel things like this become a moral choice. Like, first of all, even if youre doing it jokingly, if youre having fun pretending to throw punches and kicks even if the point is to laugh at you, you run the risk of people getting hit. Thats why we dont do that in public spaces. When youre jokingly throwing metaphorical punches even if the joke is that youre being an arse purposely, youre in that corridor, and the traffic in that corridor is every single person that sees your post, possibly hundreds, possibly thousands, and so the chance that youre going to hit people - many people - is huge. But to get back to whats on my mind, even if you dont give a shit about all the people you hit accidentally or on purpose, when you train an audience to expect you to feed them meat, when you stop feeding them meat theyll still be looking at you, and if theyre hungry enough - entitled enough, angry enough, uncaring enough, tired of life and other people enough, unknowing enough, ready enough to bring the fight to other people - theyre going to pick at you if not take chunks off you if not tear you to shreds. When you call people who think shock humour and hurting other people is acceptable, well, thats what youve done right?

You dont need to make a blog like mine thats purpose is to be safe. You dont need to actively try to make sure people feel like they fit in with your content, you dont need to create a space for other people to enjoy at all, maybe you just wanna do what makes you laugh. But the less space we hold for people to hurt people the less people are going to get hurt, shocker i know, but also the less harmful people’s anger we are unknowingly feeding, and the less fucking clueless kids who are going to grow up parroting things theyve heard and never understood, that truly evil people understand, and the less content creators in the future we’re going to have to dig out of the hole they back themselves into

anyway. odd post, its done now