#i feel like most of the online community probably wouldn't like that though

[lemoniiiiiii]

SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS / HEADCANONS ABOUT MAX COOPERMAN

just realized that aside from jake, most of max's relationships with people were either superficial or transactional which he probably just thought was normal growing up as a rich kid who was a "loser" learning that ppl only liked him when he had something to give them.

of course, when he was younger everyone loved to go to his birthday parties b/c his parents were loaded and they always planned something extravagant to try and make up for the fact they were never really around but, as he got older his parents stopped really caring to put on those parties. after that, no one bothered to give max any attention or befriend him unless they saw his wealth as something useful, or just brought him around so he could be the butt of the joke. and the second they got what they wanted from him they discarded him. being the kind-hearted and naive boy he is, he doesn't really fully grasp it until after ryan beats him to a pulp. he brushes off what happens but it honestly profoundly affects him from then on.

he thought ryan was a friend but turns out he was just being taken advantage of, his parents didn't care to come see him in the hospital despite how serious his condition was, and jake, the only genuine friend he ever had, ends up leaving (prolly bc college) and max later refers to him in passing as "a guy i brought up back in the day" which hints that they likely don't talk anymore.

so college starts. a fresh slate. max guards himself with this macho (with a very small hint of being an asshole) persona. he's got a leadership position as the RA of his floor, got two nerdy "friends" that are very reminiscent of ryan and his guys (remember when they snicker along with him at mike?), and a semi-famous reputation online. he loses weight the summer before college and decides to stop fighting (probably caused by the trauma from ryan) but we see he uses hand grips so even he definitely wants to keep himself strong for his physique and to protect himself. though max is still fairly lean which is likely an insecurity for him. the last thing he ever wants to be seen as is a dork.

let's not even talk about how being conditioned like this affects his views on women and relationships. first off in highschool he only gets attention from baja's friends b/c of his association with jake, then in college he gets all this attention because he's "attractive" now and has this cool car, dorm and fame due to the fighting videos + promotions. he's (mostly) only ever made out with drunk women at parties or events that just throw themselves at him but it never goes further than that.

he likely has made himself believe that he should think of women as prizes (again as awful as ryan was max kind of molds his new self with his influences subconsciously. he had the kind of attention, the girls, the intimidation factor max aspires to have), but if a girl were to ever genuinely like him it would fry his brain. he wouldn't understand the idea of someone wanting to spend time with him, even if he wasn't really doing anything. to intently listen to him and partake in his interests. or how much happier you'd look after just going on a walk around campus with him vs. when he bought you jewelry or flowers.

it left him with a feeling he only experienced once before when jake saved him, and went after ryan.

it just clicks for him like-

oh. this is how it feels to be genuinely cared for.

it's not soon after he realizes that you tell him you love him for the first time, while cuddling in bed (he's sure his mother used to say it to him when he was younger but he honestly can't really remember anymore-- the most communication he has with his parents now is the deposits into his bank account).

once the door closes, and you've left for your classes.. he feels the lingering heat of your lips, your words echoing in his head and the way you looked at him...

and he cries.

[mtkay13]

WenZhou x Memes! and, of course, some thoughts. More memes below + explanations! (Very Long Post)

You know other men?

The first one above was based on a famous "you know other men?" meme, that Bichen suggested we take part in (in the TYK community). I wanted to make ZZS smile at WKX's antics because it makes him laugh, ofc, and because he's quite fond of that wife act WKX enjoys playing so much.

The Barbie meme

Interestingly enough, this one has sparked quite a bunch of discussions online. When we had talked about making the meme for TYK!WenZhou, both Moose (@butleronice) and I thought that having ZZS as the serious one felt a bit strange. I feel like TYK!ZZS as I know him is rather goofy and would be more likely to make fun of the situation and the authorities that he doesn't take seriously.

WKX, besides in ZZS' presence, in the book, tends to act very cold and not necessarily civil--especially if you think those would be Jianghu authorities. Not saying the reverse wouldn't work, of course! But for my conception of the characters, it felt off. However--on twitter, we both received more comments than necessary saying: "This should be the opposite." "WKX should be the fun one--", etc. I have to confess that this left me worried regarding ZZS' reputation, considering that more often than not, when I make him to be the goofier, more stupid looking one, I get surprised reactions. I wonder what exactly has given him these... serious, un-fun vibes for many people.

The way I see it, in the book, ZZS is quite fun, overly civil and polite in a fake-smiley way, gets himself in absurd situations and WKX comments on him as being ridiculous and goofy. Of course, in ZZS' presence, WKX himself acts in a very extra way, but overall, in the book, WKX is quite closed-off and cold towards others, and doesn't give those vibes of being fun, extra or goofy to me. (I won't lie, I do blame the first and most popular translations for that, as they make ZZS quite stiff in the dialogs and I feel like this doesn't help...) I don't think it's a problem if people see them differently, though! But it was upsetting to see how some people did (quite rudely in some case) allow themselves to tell us how wrong we were, especially considering the time and care we both put in our decision to characterise them this way (and work on their expressions).

I recommend going to check Moose's version on her twitter as well (@butleronduty)!!

Equal strength

This one was based on a meme posted by Choco (@kwehxing) on twitter; about how this dialog would be fun for WenZhou.

I, once again, considered that yeah, maybe the default would have WKX turn any situation into a reason to fuck--but at the same time, I wondered: is it really his style? Isn't he having plenty of situations in which he can bring that up, already? I like to read ZZS as having a certain competence kink, and I think he gets off of sparring and feeling WKX's strength. I thought it fun to imagine him getting really worked up from sparring and using that as an excuse to demand fucking because OBVIOUSLY what else. I guess that to me, this is a reflection of how his mind is working.

The Tintin parody

My friend Angel brought a tintin parody comic from the @tintinades account on twitter and instagram. Here is the original. I thought it could be really fun to adapt it for WenZhou with a little twist at the end. Of course, mastering qinggong, WenZhou probably don't really need the ropes--although I think that ZCL isn't able to safely cross the road yet which is why they wanted to make a way. However, WKX clearly got distracted and went on ahead, hehe.

The distracted BF

This one was suggested by Bichen again--a classic, which worked really well and was actually quite funny when using Hoboxu.

He wants to order

This was the first meme I ever drew for WenZhou, following the "he/she wants to order" pattern. Pretty self-explanatory!

[misseviehyde]

STUDENT BODY

Your girlfriend Natasha was really worried about what was going to happen to your relationship once you started to attend different universities. She'd heard that long distance relationships could be really challenging and difficult.

Sure - it was always possible to communicate online and see each other that way, but without physical intimacy even the healthiest relationships would falter. But Natasha was always full of clever ideas.

"Listen babe. I've had an idea. My family have been guarding a magic scrying mirror for generations. I can use it to astrally project my spirit into another person. It's frowned upon to possess another person, but if it's just so we can talk and touch and stuff, I don't see the harm. Make sure you choose someone who is a real asshole though, that way I'll feel less bad about possessing them.

***

A month later you headed to University and began looking for someone suitable for Natasha to possess. It didn't take you long to find your target. Chanel Grey was the obnoxious, entitled sorority president of the most exclusive sorority on campus and perfect for your needs.

It didn't hurt that you had a huge crush on the busty bitch and the thought of your girlfriend inside that smoking hot body was kind of appealing. Chanel was a total asshole as well, so your girlfriend needn't feel bad about possessing her for a while.

You waited until Chanel was out shopping on her own one day and followed her to the mall. She usually had her team of funkies with her, but today she was flying solo and this was your best chance.

Ringing Natasha you waited patiently as she prepared the mirror in her bedroom. "Okay babe, I'll see you in a moment or two I guess."

You hung up and watched Chanel as she browsed through an expensive rack of designer clothes in one of her favourite stores. Suddenly she put a hand to her head as if she were dizzy. Then with a grunt her eyes rolled up into her head and she swayed on her feet slightly.

Moments later she shivered and her eyes came back into focus... only they seemed different somehow.

Chanel looked around, then spotting you walked confidently over. "Heya babe. What a body you found for me. I wasn't expecting you to pick anyone this hot."

It had worked. It had actually worked. Natasha was now inside Chanel!

She giggled and admired herself in a mirror. "Wow - this bitch is super stacked. She must have boobs three times the size of mine. And how fit is this body? Guess she must work out."

Natasha stretched, clearly enjoying how it felt to be inside Chanel. She then did a cursory check of her body, checking her pockets and her handbag.

"And I'm guessing she's rich too. I would never be able to afford a store like this. I'm guessing this is her Daddy's credit card. I mean I could try accessing her memories to check, but that can be dangerous. It can cause memories to get entwined."

You nodded not really understanding what she was saying but agreeing nonetheless.

"Only problem you've made for us is that someone is bound to notice us talking if we aren't careful. Chanel probably wouldn't be seen dead with someone like you. I wish you'd picked someone a little bit more low key even if they did have smaller boobs."

Natasha grabbed your hand and dragged you into the store. She pulled you into one of the dressing rooms and began fumbling at your belt.

"I know I said no sex, but this body is making me super horny. I don't think Chanel is a virgin, especially if those XXX condoms she is carrying in her handbag are anything to go by."

Giggling Natasha pulled out your cock and she smirked when she saw it was already rock hard. It looked so naughty in Chanel's lightly tanned hands - another woman's hands.

"Wow, guess you like Chanel's body too. Don't try to pretend this isn't what you wanted when you picked her as your target. Guess you now get to be sucked off by little Miss Popular."

With a giggle Natasha slid her pink glossy lips round your dick and began to suck. It felt good... really good and looking down you couldn't believe you were getting a blowjob from the most popular girl at uni. Turning to look at the dressing room mirror, you couldn't believe how hot it looked to see Chanel Grey's pretty head bobbing up and down on your cock. She was so fucking hot and now she was your slut.

Suddenly Natasha hesitated and her eyes went a little wide for a second. A moment later she attacked your dick with a fresh wave of enthusiasm, only this time it felt even better! Natasha was doing something with her tongue you had never felt before and her lips seemed tighter than ever. She was also making eye contact now and little groaning sounds and together it was all too much.

You began to cum and groaning you ejaculated into Natasha's mouth. It felt really good and it was a big heavy load. "Mmmhppphhh," gurgled Natasha happily.

To your surprise, she swallowed all of your load. Normally Natasha hated the taste of cum and would spit it out, but now she was inside Chanel, she seemed to enjoy it. Delicately wiping her pretty lips, she smiled and let go of your cock.

"Mmmh, sorry if I zoned out for a second there baby," she grinned. "I accidentally accessed Chanel's memories on blowjobs. Damn but she knows her stuff and she's sucked some good dick. Bigger than yours I guess."

You felt a sudden irrational jealousy. It wasn't like Natasha had actually sucked someone else's dick, but her having those memories seemed wrong somehow.

"I wish we had time for you to fuck me properly, but we'll get busted if we stay in here any longer. Come on."

Sorting out her hair and makeup Natasha indicated you should wait a moment and she slipped out first.

You waited a few minutes, then slipped out too. Looking around for Natasha you cursed as you saw her with a group of hot looking girls. She'd bumped into Chanel's friends! She made eye contact with you for a second then shrugged. Desperate not to blow her cover she decided to just go with it and helpless you watched her walk away with them - just like the real Chanel would.

****

Hours passed when your phone began to buzz. You weren't expecting a phone call from an unknown number, but you answered and it was Chanel's voice on the other end.

"Sorry about that babe. I couldn't get away from those bitches. I had to access more of my... I mean Chanel's memories just to convince them I was her."

Natasha began to explain how she had spent the rest of the morning with the girls doing hot girl shit. Hair, makeup, nails, coffee, more shopping.

Natasha usually hated all that kind of stuff, so you were surprised to hear genuine enthusiasm in her voice.

"I was pissed off that you chose this body for me at first. But the longer I spend as Chanel, the more I'm starting to enjoy being beautiful and popular. It's a unique experience. I understand how this body possession could get quite addictive. It's said that if you astrally project for too long your soul can bond with the wrong body and you get stuck forever. Imagine that. Imagine if I was Chanel permanently."

Her voice was joking, but also had a strange undertone to it.

"Of course I'm only doing this for a bit at a time so should be safe. I'm gonna hop back to my own body in a second. First though I've been horny all morning and haven't got off yet. Chanel has quite the selection of sex toys and I thought you'd like to listen. Right now I'm lying on her bed playing with myself."

You felt your cock stiffen as Natasha began to describe what she was doing.

"Mmmmh I'm touching Chanel's big bitchy tits and rubbing her tight pink pussy. Her soft hair is all around me and I feel like such a hot slut. Her pussy and clit are more sensitive than mine, you'd love this tight pussy. I have a finger inside myself. It feels so fucking good. I can't believe how wet I am already. Ooooh fuck yes."

Natasha began to moan and pant, you imagined her arching her back and gasping like a slut as she played with herself. You wished you were there, you were so jealous.

"Yesssss, yessss, I fucking love this body. I'm gonna cum so good in a bit. Mmmmh think I'll try this big thick dildo to help me get there. I want you to imagine it sliding inside my tight cunt, stretching me out baby. Chanel's tight pussy gripping every inch as I begin to pump it in and out. Ooooh fucccckkk."

Wet sounds of pleasure and pants and moans of lust came down the phone and you began to pump your own cock faster. This was so fucking hot.

"Ooooooh fuck, it's never felt THIS good before. Mmmmmh my new body was built for sex. Ooooh shit I can take it deeper than ever before, I feel like such a hot slut. My pussy is gonna explode! Ahhhh ohhhhh fuckkkk."

A screaming gasping squealing squirt of pleasure blasted down the phone as Natasha began to cum and you creamed your own belly with more of your own cum. The thought of her enjoying Chanel's body was just too erotic. That had been so hot.

"Mmmh, think I might play with myself a bit more before leaving her body. She won't properly remember everything she did when I was in control, just the gist. It's her brains own mental defense helping to keep my possession secret. She'll think she did all of this. So long as I don't do anything too out of character - I can have this hot little body whenever I like."

And with that she hung up...

***

For the next week you looked forward to your girlfriends daily possessions of Chanel. As Natasha predicted, the popular girl didn't seem to notice anything amiss and she certainly didn't show any indication she recognised you at uni.

It was strange to see that pretty face look at you blankly. The same face that hours before had been sucking you off or kissing you. To your shame you began to fantasize more and more about Chanel's beautiful features and soft sexy voice than Natasha's body.

But there was frustration too. Mostly the possessions seemed to involve a quick blowjob or handjob, then Natasha would go off with Chanel's friends. There was never anytime to have proper sex. Natasha even refused your offers to eat her out or finger her. You had never actually gotten to see Chanel's pussy.

Her popularity and prestige made it hard for you to spend any time whilst she was Chanel and you began to regret choosing such an exclusive target.

Natasha was acted weird too. She seemed to have accessed more of Chanel's memories for some reason and even when in her own body was acting more aloof and haughty. She'd started working out, stopped wearing her glasses and she sounded like she was starting to treat everyone like a real bitch.

She also seemed to be enjoying hanging out with Chanel's friends and living the life of a popular bitch more than she should. Her stories began to focus more and more on how much she had enjoyed hanging out with her girls and bullying the losers on campus, than the chance to be with you.

You were shocked the first time she described bullying someone. Shocked at how full of glee and enthusiasm she was.

"Some dumb little bitch dared to get in my way in the store. Can you believe it? She walked right out in front of me and when she saw who I was tried to apologise. I pushed the little loser into a clothes rail and knocked her over. She won't dare complain to the Dean, she knows I'd destroy her life. I left her crying in the shop - it was SO funny."

The possessions were supposed to bring you both closer together, not push you further apart, but now you were really starting to worry. Natasha had even insisted you set up a monthly payment to Chanel's bank account so she could buy even more clothes and things - but she never wore them for you.

The first real betrayal came when you found out that Natasha had been possessing Chanel on some days and not even telling you. She accidentally let slip a story about having dinner with her girls and you realised she hadn't told you she was available that day.

"Oh yeah? So? I sometimes slip back into Chanel when you're not around or I just feel like some me time. Her body fits me like a glove these days, I can hop in with no resistance anymore and I enjoy living her pampered life for a bit. What's your problem with that loser?"

You were shocked to hear the venom in her voice.

"Oh did I call you a loser? Sorry babe - that's what Chanel thinks about you. I've been accessing more of her memories and it's hard to fight off her impression of you as a nerdy, worthless, loser. I mean - of course I don't think that about you. Anyway gotta go."

She cut you off abruptly and that was the end of that.

***

The next betrayal happened soon after.

Natasha had stopped giving you blowjobs when she possessed Chanel, saying she was too busy or didn't feel like it. If you were lucky, you'd get a disinterested handjob from her and even that was becoming rarer.

It was like Natasha no longer cared about possessing Chanel to spend time with you, but simply so she could BE Chanel. It was also clear she had pretty much accessed all of Chanel's memories now and it had affected her.

Natasha's old speech patterns were gone. Whether she was inside Chanel or not she now spoke like a bitchy valley girl. Now when she called you 'babe' it was with a hint of mockery and her pretty lips always had a cruel bitchy sneer and her eyes a glint of malice. She held herself with a haughty arrogance and her body language had become like that of a spoiled ballet dancer.

"Just look at me. I'm so fucking PERFECT," purred Natasha as she admired herself in her stolen body. "Sorry 'babe' no time to give that tiny dick of yours a blowie. I have to meet the girls for some shopping. I have a new set of lingerie I'm desperate to try. See you later loooooser."

Despite Natasha's increasing distance, the dirty phonecalls continued and it had become the only source of your sex life. You'd listen to Chanel/Natasha moaning down the phone-line and telling you about fucking herself whilst touching yourself.

Recently though Natasha had told you that you weren't allowed to cum unless she said so. She also would cut off the phone unexpectedly, or sometimes not even ring at all leaving you blue-balled and desperate.

Then out of the blue she contacted you to tell you she had an idea how you could spend more time together.

"I've been telling all my hot friends about my cute sissy male friend... in other words you! If you go along with it and play the part, then I'm sure we can hang out more. All you gotta do is come over and act like a girly gay boy and the sorority will accept you. Maybe you'll even finally get to fuck me."

Natasha took you shopping and made you buy a load of new outfits. They were much tighter and more feminine than you were used to. Skin tight jeans, a crop top that showed off your body. You looked completely different. "There. Now you look more like a twink. We'll get your hair dyed blonde and styled, then get you into some of my panties and no one will believe you're straight."

You couldn't believe you were going along with it, but told yourself it would be worth it to spend more time with your hot girlfriend in her sexy new body.

She led you back to the sorority house and the girls swarmed you. You remembered what Natasha had told you, so you acted as camp as you possibly could. Strangely it came quite naturally, like you'd been putting on a masculine front for years and this was actually who you truly were.

To your surprise you began to have fun - gossiping, giggling, hanging out with the girls. You didn't even feel horny anymore.

Eventually Natasha showed you up to Chanel's amazing bedroom. It was quite a palace - as befitted the head of a sorority.

Lying on expensive silk sheets, she made you strip and try on her panties. You were a bit uncomfortable when she suddenly took some photos of you, but she promised they were just for fun and she'd delete them later.

Soon Natasha had images of you dressed in her bra, panties - wearing her makeup. It was like playing dress up it was fun.

You had hoped that she would now lock the door and offer to sleep with you at last - but to your disapointment she told you that she was tired and that the girls would get suspicious if you didn't come out soon.

Putting on your new outfit, you left the house feeling dejected - and yet strangely satisfied. It was like something was awaking inside you.

You wondered what tonight would bring...

***

After your dress up session, you hadn't been expecting more contact from Natasha, so it was a surprise when your phone rang that evening.

She sounded horny, there was a slutty catch in her voice and an excitement you couldn't quite place.

"Mmmmmh, heya 'babe'. So I'm lying here in some new expensive lingerie and I also picked up a new toy at the Mall. Wanna listen to me get off?"

Without waiting for your permission you heard the rustle of clothing and Natasha's breath catching. "Ohhhh wow, it's like nine inchs long or something. This really is a magnificent 'toy'."

You heard Natasha moan and soon there were sucking, slurping and popping sounds coming down the phone. It was unusual for her to simulate doing a blowjob, you imagined her lying on her back with a dildo in her mouth. She was doing a great job, it almost sounded like a real dick she was sucking.

Then you heard a grunt of pleasure. A male grunt. Did she... was she ACTUALLY sucking another guys cock? You angrily asked her causing her to giggle.

"Of course not babe, you must be hearing things. Mmmmhhh I'm here all on my own and I'm soooo fucking horny right now. Ohhh shit he's, mmmmh I mean I'm putting it inside me and it feels so good."

You heard the sounds of heavy breathing, then a soft wet slapping sound that grew harder and faster till it was soon the hot sound of hard male flesh slapping against soft female buttocks.

"Ooooh fuck YESSSS. You fuck me soooo good, I mean... my dildo fucks me so good. Ahhhhh ohhhh fuck, this feels amazing."

You were sure you could hear grunting and laughing as Natasha's moans of pleasure grew and the sounds of hot heavy fucking filled your ears.

It sounded like she was bent over on all fours now getting railed hard. Her breathing was heavy, you could hear the bed squeaking and shaking.

"Mmmmmh imagine if there really was a guy here fucking me. A big stong Alpha Jock with rippling muscles and a big dick?"

The slapping increased and Natasha let out a gutteral moan of pleasure.

"Making me cum in ways you never could. Ooohhhh fuck, what would you do about it then you fucking loser? You'd probably just jerk off to the thought anyway. You're so pathetic. Isn't he such a fucking cuck baby?"

Male laughter filled the line and the phone slipped out of your numb hands as the screams of ecstasy pumped out of your phone and you jerked off to the sound of your girlfriend getting pumped.

***

"Of course I didn't fuck a guy last night," laughed Natasha as you confronted her later. "It's all in your mind, you're just losing it. You pay me to pretend to be your girlfriend right so that's what I do. It's all make-believe."

You gawped at her in shocked amazement.

"Don't you remember loser? You wanted to pay me regular amounts to roleplay as your girlfriend and pretend she'd possessed me. I've got the monthly payments to prove it."

You shook your head in disbelief. No - this wasn't right. She WAS your girlfriend.

Chanel/Natasha laughed. "Oh come on. I knew you were mentally unstable, but seriously? You actually believe I'm your long distance girlfriend possessing this body? I mean - magic isn't possible loser. Fucking hell, I was worried you were losing your mind, but this is the final straw. Our little arrangement is over. I'm not pretending to be Natasha anymore and don't try to cause any trouble. I have photos of you dressed like a sissy loser I could release at any time, not to mention proof you've been paying me to pretend to be your girlfriend. It's over 'babe'."

Laughing Chanel walked away shaking her head.

***

Picking up the phone you desperately rang Natasha's cellphone. You were so confused. Was Natasha really possessing Chanel or had you invented the whole thing in your head.

No one answered so you called Natasaha's sister. She sounded upset on the phone.

That's when you found out that Natasha had been in a coma for nearly two weeks. Apparantly her family had come home one day to find her slumped over a table, totally unresponsive. It was like she wasn't there anymore - zero brain activity.

"We tried contacting you, but you didn't answer any of our calls or get back to us. What the hell is going on?"

You hung up - stunned.

Running over to the sorority house you banged on the door and demanded to be led to Chanel. You found her in her bedroom dressed in sexy lingerie and looking particularly bratty.

You accused her of abandoning her body, of becoming trapped inside Chanel. You begged her to leave Chanel and go back to her old body before it was too late. How long before her family decided to switch off the incubator and let her old body die. You begged and pleaded.

Chanel just looked at you coldly.

"Listen here you fucking loser. There are two possibilities you are describing. In one, I'm actually your stupid long-distance girlfriend who has become addicted to being a hot popular girl, absorbed all of her memories and replaced her. In this scenario I'm a body thief who loves what I have become and doesn't give a shit about you or anyone else.

In the second scenario, you're a crazy repressed sissy who has gone off the deep end at University due to the shock of his girlfriend falling into a coma. Full of unresolved guilt, you've created an elaborate fantasy pretending that I'm actually her - when in fact I'm Chanel Grey, popular girl and sorority president and that's who I have always been.

What I wanna know is - how in either of these scenarios you think it ends well for you? I know which scenario the police and everyone else will believe. I have photographic evidence that you're a pervert who wishes he was a girl. I have payments into my bank account for role-playing your girlfriend, and I can detail all the times I sucked your dick for money.

You have nothing. No evidence, no proof that any of this is true. You just sound like a fucking crack-pot.

Now why don't you get the fuck out of here before I call my new boyfriend over and get him to beat the shit out of you?"

What choice did you have? You turned and ran.

***

Chanel Grey watched the pathetic sissy loser she had just bullied turn and run with a thrill of sexual pleasure. She enjoyed being mean to people and indulging her cruel whims. Toying with this loser had been really fun.

Walking up to the mirror she examined her perfect reflection.

Who was she?

She was Chanel Grey. She was rich, spoiled and popular. She had a boyfriend with a big dick that was coming over to fuck her.

Nothing else mattered really.

THE END

[trans-cuchulainn]

Could you recommend some good resources on accurate depiction of parchment in the medieval period? I feel like most people interested in medieval studies have a basic understanding of what it is and how it’s made, but you seem more well-versed than most on its tactile properties and regular use cases. Where can others acquire this knowledge?

most of what i've learned about manuscripts and book history has been either during my degrees or from work (i have worked in various libraries including with special collections, although mostly with early printed books and later paper manuscripts in that capacity). and in terms of what it's like to interact with, i have learned this mostly from interacting with it, but if you don't have a library or museum near you that will enable you to do this, it's a bit harder. this makes it hard to give recommendations although there are lots of very good books out there about books and manuscript history

(there's one i read early on in my journeys with palaeography etc that went into loads of detail about different writing surfaces including wood and wax tablets and so on, but i cannot remember the title and past me did NOT write it down which was really unhelpful. if i remember it i'll post about it)

there are also a ton of online resources about manuscripts though. lots of museums have online guides to manuscript production, parchment, writing through history. there's lots of codicology stuff out there. so it's not like you have to learn it in a formal environment -- that's just where i learned it and therefore mostly from lectures rather than shareable resources

but to understand parchment specifically i think understanding the process of making it is a crucial step to understanding why it is the way it is (and why it's not paper). here's a couple of youtube videos that give an overview

this is a more detailed video about a project that got people to make parchment themselves which is just kinda interesting (haven't watched it all the way through but am watching parts):

once you understand how parchment is made and the resources that go into it, i think it's easier to understand why it probably wouldn't be used for ephemera and scraps, and that helps you think about situations where people might use something else -- e.g. a wax tablet to take hasty notes, send messages that don't need to be permanent, send messages that are emphatically not permanent (your recipient can melt it and hide the note), etc -- as well as beginning to rethink the modern world's reliance on the written word in general and consider how oral messages and other non-written communication might have been used

as for the tactile side of things, as i said in a previous post, if you can't touch book parchment, go find your local irish musicians and see if the bodhrán player will let you handle their drum (or good quality orchestral timpani will do too! but with a bigger drum it's harder to feel both sides of the skin). drumskins made of goatskin are very similar on a tactile level to parchment, just a little thicker and not processed to quite the same level as a writing surface. it helps you stop thinking of them as super fragile once you realise people are whacking them with a stick regularly, and you can learn about the difference between the hair side and the flesh side of the skin and stuff and see the way the hair leaves traces in the skin and so on. this helps with the tactile understanding

(the cheaper the bodhran, the rougher the reverse side will be even if the front is still nice and smooth, which also makes you realise the difference between high quality books where you can barely tell which side of the page is the hair side, and low quality ones where they're not fully treated, there's still hair, whatever)

i talked to a conservator lately who told me the way he got into book conservation was via musical instrument repair -- they are more similar than you would think -- and i know trad musicians scattered far and wide enough to be reasonably confident that even if you're in an area with no touchable medieval manuscripts, you can probably at some point find a drummer who will let you play with their bodhrán in exchange for a pint or something, lol

but in the mean time there's lots of cool videos about there about parchment making which i do think is a crucial step to understanding it as a writing surface! and i will see if i can remember the names of any of the books i've read...

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for using my moms money to buy games?

The title sounds bad, but I'm not sure how else to word it. This is also going to be a weird one as, in advance, I know the other party isn't an asshole, however I think it's a similar situation im tone and I really need some feedback on this.

I'm 22 and live with my mom and cat. I've lived with her my whole life, and continue to due to disability. My mom has 2 jobs that she mainly works on weekends, and I'm unemployed. Ever since covid it's been incredibly difficult for me to find work because it is still very much a thing despite what people want to believe, and I can't be in contact with random people physically due to immune issues and the chance of getting sick. Online jobs are apparently very hard to find (my mom has tried) and many ask for a payment beforehand. I do however get social security income that pays most of our bills/utilities, and we're also on foodstamps for groceries.

My family has never been well off. I wouldn't call us dirt poor, we've never had to go hungry, and I always had toys to play with/clothes as a kid. But my mom has had to manage funds well and we've never had a lot of money for leisure or frivolous purchases. My mom will buy herself things like some new clothes, a phone charger, roku set, etc smaller things like that when she gets her paycheck but extra expenses such as furniture have to be planned out probably weeks/months ahead of time. We also moved recently and ever since then our budget has been more difficult, the down payment really screwed with my moms expenses.

Because of our situation, I never really had games growing up. I remember we had maybe 3 big family consoles during me and my sisters whole childhood (with like 3-6 games on them each, most of which were guitar hero which my mom and sister loved to play), and I would get a new handheld for myself every few years. I never got to play the new exciting games people were always talking about, and my gaming experience has really been limited to like. Animal crossing, the sims, and cooking mama.

I played a bunch of roms as a kid so that helped, but I was always kinda sad and felt left out that I never got to experience gaming the way other people did. I really wanted to try the "classics" people talked about but didn't have any way to. People (especially as I got into my 20s and started following streamers + nintendo direct for example) would always talk about the New Thing coming out and playing it the day it dropped, all the excitement and community people had around that, but if I really wanted that kind of game, I'd have to wait a few years before getting it and trying it out, and by then no one was playing it anymore anyways.

As time went on things got a little better. Especially because of my moms new jobs, both of which she genuinely loves doing, though it's still work, we have been a bit better off. It's only been recently we started struggling more again.

Recently I've been kind of asking for things from my mom. Mostly it's steam games. I found I've gotten much more into gaming as a hobby as I've gotten older, and I have a long wishlist of games that I really want to get into, but of course have no money to myself. I should also clarify that NONE of these are those big triple A $60 titles, as I still can't ever justify paying something so expensive for one game. So sometimes lately I've been asking my mom "hey, can I get this/these games?" And use her money/card to purchase them. I don't do it constantly, or even super often, but I feel like it's becoming more often and it makes me feel really guilty.

I have done this before, around high school I started asking my mom for certain things I wanted around the house, and usually she had no problem buying them for me. This also wasn't large stuff, nothing ever over $30 and usually only up to $20. But when I'd find something I *really* wanted, especially if it was a time limited thing like merch drops from a favorite content creator, often yarn for my knitting or art supplies I wanted to try, I would ask her.

I've pretty much always felt guilty about this. I would ask for something despite my better judgement, and for the most part my mom would say yes, and that it was okay, whereas I was the one apologizing and asking if it was "really alright". She has told me she has no issues buying things for me as long as I ask her. She says the social security I get is "technichally my money", and that she wants me to be able to use it. (Obviously we don't use the actual ssi to buy random shit, but her giving me spending money is the next best thing).

Every time I've asked my mom for something like this, I've told myself that it would be the last time, that I would get my own job and own money and not mooch on my mom anymore, but both with the stress of chronic illness and depression I never seem to get around to it. I try to do dishes and keep my room clean, take care of the cat etc as ways I can help without working, but for some reason the money really weighs on me. I know that it's really my fault, I haven't even been looking for jobs and I could always take art commissions again, but somehow a mental block always stops me.

I feel like I have a bit of an impulsivity problem when it comes to spending. The money I got from my one summer job and commissions would never last long, and honestly I couldn't even tell you what I spent it on for the weeks I had it. I have issues taking money from people, but when I realized that I may not have had the stuff I wanted as a kid simply because I never asked for/communicated that I wanted it, it made me more bold to actually ask my mom for things.

I never pester my mother about this. I'll ask once and if she says no I'll be dissapointed but won't continue. Sometimes she says that we don't have the money for it then, or that I'll have to wait until xyz thing is paid for, which is always fine. I also have *never* bought anything with her money without asking first. I get pretty much all the steam games I buy on sale (usually that's what prompts me to ask about them, actually) as personally I can't justify getting games for their asking price for the experience I'm going to get.

I feel bad as I feel like I'm wasting our money, mooching off my mom and not putting in the work to have spending money myself. I also worry that sometimes when she says it's fine, it's untrue and she's really just trying to make me feel better. I also sometimes don't play the games as soon as I get them, I have a sizeable backlog of games I have gotten but haven't "got around" to playing as I was excited to get them at a low price at the time, but then haven't felt like I'm in the right mood. This also makes me feel worse because I feel like I'm not being appreciative enough of her buying for me.

So am I the asshole?

What are these acronyms?

[expectopatronum18]

Ok this is probably gonna be controversial

Even though I generally don't mind the fanon marauders (i couldn't hate them more but also idc, let ppl hv fun), i think it's a very interesting phenomenon. Don't get me wrong, i definitely don't conflate what ppl enjoy in fiction with real life, but imo it's rather interesting to see how our values and worldview influences the literature we produce and consume (otherwise it wouldn't be necessary to completely change the marauders' personalities in the first place)

Generally, i think it's just that ppl want to impose current day values and trends on the characters they grew up with and thus have a great degree of nostalgia for, seems lyk a perfect mix. And most ppl probably don't want deep, complex and heart breaking stuff in something they view as recreation. And that unconventional ships are fun in general. The entire thing is just silly fun

But also, i think the specific characterization of the marauders as one dimensional social justice warriors who are completely correct all the time(to the point where they're justified in every wrong thing they do in the name of defending rights or sm shit) comes from the fact that a lot of ppl like to think of themselves in this way as well. There's no place for growth, correction or nuance, there's just good vs evil and right vs wrong. In the sense that they're the knights in shining armour and the rest of the world is purely evil. And this is just my opinion, but i think being an sjw is more of a cool fad now than anything else (particularly in the West). The purpose of what ur fighting for comes second to feeling good about yourself and having a superiority complex that comes with believing that ur completely, totally right with everything u say and do. The truth is, despite the fact that it's good to feel this way, i think literally no one is lyk this, no matter how accepting and empathetic they believe themselves to be. A lot of it is constantly questioning if ur doing the right thing and constantly critically analysing ur views and positions by trying ur best to see things from every perspective (or at least thts the way I see it). Everyone always has something they need to change. My point is, i think ppl hv a hard time accepting that those fighting for noble causes can still be wrong about other things and can still believe in the backward thinking of their time without being revolutionaries(a simple glance at history would have made this obvious but nvm) It obvs doesn't make it acceptable to the slightest but it is what it is, the younger generation learns from their mistakes and so on. This, imo, is particularly common amongst the more chronically online folks, those who see themselves as the ultimate upholders of justice. U can have assholes who are trying their best to do what is right while still being shitty in their own ways. Snape can save the world and represent the power of redemption while still being a pathetic and miserable person. James and Sirius can be extremely cruel bullies while still being brave and noble by risking their lives and fighting for the cause when they were barely out of school (particularly Sirius, given what he was raised to believe in). Regulus can still be honourable and brave for ultimately sacrificing his life in hopes of bringing down voldemort while still retaining the fact tht he was obsessed with a cult leader calling for genocide (and incidentally, we hv no proof tht regulus stopped believing in all his other prejudices before his death).

None of these characters need to be confined to the 'a part of the LGBT community- or homophobic' binary to categorise them into good and evil, in the sense that the uwu marauders and Slytherin skittles (who were literal DEs in canon) are always the good ones and Snape gets the rear end of the stick. Plus being a part of the LGBT community doesn't automatically make ur character interesting,complex, or better, neither does it need to be their entire personality..imo this idea isn't as progressive as it's made out to be and isn't the representation ppl think it is.

These are thoughts haphazardly floating around in my brain and I cannot write a satisfactory and conscise conclusion to save my life, so, uhh, feel free to fill in lmao

[subsystems]

10.2.23

Disclaimer: This is my own musings about plurality. I talk about my personal experience with unification (final fusion) too. Don't read if that upsets you for some reason.

Something I haven't really talked about is my relationship with the idea of plurality. I saw someone talking about how they feel simultaneously plural and not plural, and I find that really relatable.

I used to despise being called plural. It brought me so much shame. Made me feel like this one single symptom of my disability was being cherrypicked and pinned onto me as a label. I felt like my vast and varied experience with DID was minimized for something much more palatable and "fun" to others. It was almost like the full DID was being pushed aside. Like being told "yes, you should continue to hide that and you should continue to be ashamed of it."

I also felt like plurality still applied to me, though. Yes, the blanket definition of plurality does fit me. I am a person who has multiple parts, a plurality of perspectives, I am "more than one." That fits...but that's not all?

I think another thing is that, when I got diagnosed, I didn't even feel plural even though I knew the term technically fit me. I hardly ever felt a presence of parts even though they were there. We hardly talked, hardly wanted to acknowledge each other, even though the evidence was there. For me, it was like being forcibly dragged in and out of existence. Someone else would replace me but I wouldn't know that, wouldn't remember. So, what do you mean that there are systems who never feel lonely or out of control because they're always co-conscious, voluntarily switching, and chatting inside? What do you mean that's even possible? Was I the only one living my own life in slivers and pieces? Was I the only one experiencing the unbearable loneliness that is my DID?

Yeah, I am "more than one" but...

It was complicated. There's probably old posts on my blog where I talk about how I'm not plural even though I have DID. And probably other posts where I'm calling myself plural as if my teeth are clenched. Like it's painful but necessary.

Sometimes I revisit those old feelings, but for the most part I feel at peace with the concept of plurality now. As a young trauma survivor, it was hard to separate the concept itself from the online culture surrounding it. But, ultimately, the way other people experience their plurality doesn't invalidate me. The concept itself doesn't minimize or shame me. It's just a word for an experience, in the same way that dissociation and flashbacks are words for experiences. The way these things are treated and talked about are ripe for criticism, not the experiences themselves. It's nice to have words for them.

And there's no universal way of "being more than one" because it ranges on a spectrum of experiences. Much in the same way dissociation can be mild or extreme, be it brought on by trauma, mental disorders, religious practices, drugs, or other things. Who fucking cares.

But when I think about it...when did I start actually feeling plural despite always fitting the concept? Out of anything, I think unification (final fusion) was actually what helped me finally feel my own plurality. Isn't that interesting?

Unification was when we finally felt each other. I feel the entire multitude because I am it. We're all together, all at once, at all moments. We're constantly in communication. There's no blocks, no separations, no barriers. I'm all of us and we're all of me: a big bundle of parts, connected together like a constellation.

That feels more like plurality than anything I ever felt before.

[ts-witchy-archive]

Hello! I've seen a bit of wiccan (?) things for a while, if I were to start I wouldn't even know how to start though. (my autistic ass does not leave the house and my mom would probably think it's weird to make strange concoctions of things) I also don't really know how deities work and how do you find out which one your communicating with? Tbh I've always felt like someone is around but whatever god it is seriously fucking hates me /hj Been better since I started medication but like the luck I have is 50/50 good bad and that is probably not normal. If you answer this it'd be very helpful.

Hi! Thanks for the ask!

I just want to start by defining a few terms for you :)

Wicca/Wiccan: A pagan religion that focuses on nature, magic and witchcraft. It was founded in the mid 20th century and Wiccans primarily worship 2 Gods which are personifications of nature.

Witch: Just a person who practices witchcraft. It's a non-gendered term and a non-religious term/practice. Not all witches are Wiccan but all Wiccans are witches. Witches can be absolutely anyone

Personally, I'm not Wiccan so I can't really tell you much about that but if there is one thing I know, it's witchcraft! There are many different places to start but I'm going to condense it down as much as humanly possible. It'll probably feel like a bit of information overload so just try to take it slow and relax. Enjoy the learning.

My favourite book for beginner witchcraft is 'Witchery: Embrace the Witch Within' by Juliet Diaz. She is a fantastic author and wonderful human. Everything about the basics of witchcraft you could need is in that book (imo). You should be able to find a pdf online if you can't get a physical copy.

As for youtube channels with solid content:

Harmony Nice: She covers everything Wicca. She has a playlist with all her Wiccan/witchy content witch is linked here

The Witch of Wonderlust: Olivia has been a favourite witchy youtuber of mine for a while. I wouldn't recommend jumping into her videos without any prior knowledge but once you have a grasp on the bare bones it should be okay. Here is a playlist she made with everything you could possibly need when beginning witchcraft. SOrt through the videos and see what peeks your interest.

The Hearth Witch: Another wonderful account if I remember correctly. Her videos used to be on the longer end (30-60mins) so if you have a short attention span then maybe not but she has a wealth of information.

I also recommend joining a few discord servers, following a few pages on tumblr just to get acquainted with the community and terminology.

Okay, on to the deity work situation. Deity work is generally considered more intermediate in the witchcraft community. key words being 'Deity WORK'. Worship is completely fair game. Setting up an altar, praying, leaving offerings, doing activities in devotion to the deity is absolutely something you can do relatively quickly.

As for IDing a deity, most people do it through 'divination' which is things like tarot, a pendulum, dice, bone throwing, and other ways. Most people also ask for signs that a specific deity is 'reaching out' to them or wants them to pay attention. You can also politely ask someone who is volunteering their time on tumblr or a discord server to find out for you via divination. If they don't say their doing free readings, obviously, don't ask.

Finally. luck is luck. It makes no sense for a literal God to hate a human. We all have periods of shitty luck and awesome luck! I wouldn't blame that on anything. Sometimes bad things just happen unfortunately. But sometimes amazing things also happen, even if it's just as small is finding 5 cents on the footpath.

That was so long. Congrats if you made it to the end because I nearly didn't when writing this. I hope this helped a bit. Feel free to reach out if you need a hand with anything. Thanks :)

[chadchadsonthesnail]

I wish I was better able to communicate the whole 'spoons' thing with my parents, but I feel like my mom wouldn't understand. And when she doesn't understand what I'm trying to communicate about my disability, she acts as though I'm lying. She has a degree in Clinical Social Work, so of course she is the authority on mental disabilities.

I once tried saying I was hyperfixating on something, and she told me off for using that word. Said it is specific to autism. Except I see it used for ADHD, and see people use Special Interest for autism. When I told her that, she said that I can't trust what people on the internet say (So I guess she wants me to assume everyone online is lying when they claim to have adhd or autism unless they can prove it somehow which like wtf mom)

I also feel like she'd react negatively if I told her I want to get tested for autism. I'm worried she'd get mad, say I got screened for it (though technically I was screened for any mental disability when I was younger and only got diagnosed with ADHD. Nothing specific. Also I'm a girl so there's that.) Like I just want to check, especially when I score within range of diagnosis on all the online screening things I have done (Ik those aren't the most trustworthy bc internet, but still makes me want to be sure) And I just-

But also just so much she does frustrated me, because it feels like she treats her degree as a certificate saying she knows everything about mental disabilities.

And so if I tried to use the spoons thing to explain why I wasn't able to complete the four tasks she gave me today, she would probably just say I did bigger tasks yesterday. And I don't feel like she would listen when I try to say that it didn't take as many spoons yesterday, or that today it felt like getting myself something to eat and leaving my room and doing anything feels like it has a cost, when only the tasks, getting food, and going to work cost me yesterday. Because cost of spoons changes day to day.

I just needed to vent about this rn because it's making me feel so uncomfortable and stressed.

[lieutenantselnia]

I wanted to make a May the 4th post dedicated to my Star Wars f/os yesterday, but I gotta be honest I just did not have the energy ._. So I'm just gonna do it now though!

I never really talked much about my Star Wars f/os on here because despite having 5 of them (maybe more if you count platonics), they're all secondary f/os and I hardly find the time to dedicate art or writing to them. They still mean a lot to me though and I think they're wonderful and interesting characters, so here they are💕

First up, Grand Admiral Thrawn/Mitth'raw'nuruodo, I first got to know him properly through Rebels (I knew he had existed in the Legends universe before already but didn't particularly care about him) and not going to lie, for a while I found him really annoying. He seemed very arrogant to me and I didn't get how he could always be a step ahead of the rebels, but I learned to understand and appreciate him, and somehow I fell in love with him eventually. At the time he was probably the strongest fictional crush I ever had (this man literally made me question my asexuality at some point - I didn't know that micro-labels like grey-, demi- or fictosexual were a thing back then). I didn't know about the existence of a self ship community back then, but in my head I shipped a character that was basically myself with him (with a few changes of course, like I was 16 at the time but my s/i was obviously a grown adult, the story I had in mind for her wouldn't have made sense otherwise anyway). I also started writing character x reader fanfictions about him! I finished a few one-shots, but the only multi-chapter story I started has unfortunately been laying around abandoned for a few years. I still kind of want to write an ending for it one day, but I don't know when that will happen. I struggled with my feelings for Thrawn after some uncomfortable experience with a former acquaintance in the Star Wars community, but as this is luckily in the past and maybe I can reconnect with him some day (In the meantime I'd love to meet other Thrawn shippers who are comfortable sharing him!). Regardless of that my love for him has had a significant influence on me, because without him I would've probably never made my art instagram account (the first social media account I made aside my personal insta account that I never use) and wouldn't have met many of my wonderful online friends.

Next up, Admiral Ar'alani, she's gorgeous and at least partially responsible for my bi awakening. I mean just look at her! Due to being a book character she's probably kind of underrated and less well known, I'd love to see an animated series about her and the crew of the Steadfast! I loved her in the Thrawn trilogy, I still have to read the Ascendancy trilogy though.

Commodore Karyn Faro probably wins the price for the most underrated f/o among them (also F in the chat for her for having literally 2 canonical depictions in a comic and no other visual reference, that's why I had to choose a slightly silly picture for her). I loved reading from her perspective in the Thrawn trilogy and I always enjoyed her dynamic with him too. Despite having her as an f/o I also ship her with Ar'alani, I think they'd make a cute couple. At the moment her canonical fate is pretty much unknown (I don't think it was ever made clear whether she left the Chimaera to transfer to her own fleet before Thrawn left for Lothal or not?), but although it is unlikely I personally wish that she'd also somehow end up with the Chiss like Eli did and get a happy ending with them.

Tech was just a very relatable character for me, and I knew I'd like him pretty much from the start. I always had a weak spot for this slightly nerdy scientist type of characters (namely Kowalski from TPoM and Mr. Spock from Star Trek TOS), I just never really f/o'd any of them before since I was like 8 years old or so at the time I was obsessed with them. But oh I had so much fun watching Tech, and his quote "I may process moments and thoughts differently, but it does not mean that I feel any less than you"? That hit right in the heart especially since I could relate so much to it. Also he must still be alive, I don't accept that he's gone no matter what the canon says.

Last but not least, I think General Grievous/Qymaen jai Sheelal was actually my second proper fictional crush, but for some reason it took me until last year to properly admit to it? I don't know, apparently 13 year old me was unconsciously in denial about being a monster lover, or just somehow unaware that I could just ship myself or an oc with him and didn't have to pick one of the canon characters. He's a character I'd actually love to come back some time, it's mainly that I'm too focused on my other f/os at the moment, but I think he deserves more love (yes I know he's kind of horrible too, but I think horrible fictional guys can still be loved and cherished).

Anyway this got longer than I anticipated, but at least you have an introduction to some of my secondary f/os now I guess. Anyways I hope you all had a happy Star Wars day, and who knows, maybe some of these guys here will make an appearance on my blog again in the future <3

[breakbeatbun]

i did a lot of "boy things" as a kid and I've always felt less "girl" because of it, i never played with stuff that was considered feminine, partly because i was afraid of judgment, but also i found "boy stuff" more appealing. it's tough not relating to one's peers in a binary way. i would love to play cars

tags on this post for context

i was raised by a mechanic and carpenter so a lot of my early free time was spent in a barn full of tools, machines, welding masks, piles of cut-up BMX bikes we'd find in the garbage, stripped-bare sandrails and their engines, couple rifles or compound bows here or there, probably listening to whatever crusty old rock music my dad put on. hell, i was rowing through the gears of my mom's old square body S10 while she drove us to the store before i was barely tall enough to see over the dash. "hanging out with friends" was playing Guitar Hero or Racing & Skateboarding Video Games, or riding our bikes and skinning our knees. "hanging out with dad" was often target shooting in the backyard or building something; I rarely ever held the flashlight, i had the tools in my hands and grease under my fingernails.

that's a lot of exposition but i'm trying to paint the most specific picture i can! TL;DR, a lot of arguably "boy things" in my upbringing, and i fit right into it, lot of fondness in my heart for it still!

around the time i had my big Gender Awakening at the tail-end of high school i had already been Online for a bit - hell i learned what it meant to feel non-binary from this very website circa 2013 - but it wouldn't be until maybe 2019 or so when i moved out that i really started making other queer and trans friends, and it was pretty immediately obvious that i was extremely different from the rest of my community, both online and offline. of course, nobody was rude about it, everybody was VERY respectful of my name and my pronouns and my identity, but it was still really easy for me to feel "othered" because our shared experiences didn't line up at all; At most maybe i got made fun of for having long hair. it made it really easy to feel like i wasn't doing enough work to justify my queerness.

at the other end of that spectrum, i recently tried on she/her pronouns at the front of my bio, just to see if i was missing something, and i was quickly met with an IMMEDIATE outpour of support from friends and community alike. SO many people were loud about being So Proud of me, Knew i Had It In Me, i had multiple friends message me privately to offer information and easy routes to HRT "just in case ;)" i was thinking about it! and, yeah, it's nice to have that kinda support, i'll admit! but it was hard not to feel a little invalidated in not wanting to change. it really felt like a lot of people, close friends even, just kinda saw me as a trans woman waiting to have a bigger realization, as though being non-binary was just a meaningless stepping-stone to something greater. and i mean, i can't blame them, they just wanted to help!!

today i'm pretty firmly Queer/non-binary (with a little bit of Girl on the side when it's either Appropriate or Funny), and my body and voice are very much unaltered from the ones i was born with. virtually indistinguishable from a cishet version of myself, just with the he/him lopped off and they/she sloppily appended in its place; simply because i don't have the energy or don't care to put much effort into change, and that's very much fine for me. I know damn well i don't owe it to anybody but myself anyway, granted none of it tends to matter much when you present as a rabbit girl on the internet LOL. I'm thankful to have built myself a little space where i can engage with others like me, or where other queers feel welcome to express interest in the things that I'M all about! even if it's a little few and far between. still struggle with feeling like i fit in with The Girls tho LMAO.

IDK! this post is my half-baked love letter to my fellow AMAB NB folks who get treated like Cis Men, Trans Women who don't "put the effort in," or Anyone who can Otherwise Relate in the same, or even an opposite sort of way. we are playing cars together

[autisticdelinquent]

I'm sure this is a weird concept for people who haven't pondered it before but how is there not more non-European white people out there feeling soul crushing emptiness not knowing what it will ever feel like to know the physical land or the culture/people of the places their ancestors come from? I'm mixed Native and Caucasian with maybe a few stray Asian and Polynesian lines further in my ancestry. I am mostly white but am integrating with the local Native tribal community and have since I was a child. I'm currently in the adoption process. I am profoundly grateful to know them and to at least live on the ancestral territory of my Native side. I can't help but feel so lonely and alienated on a soul level though because I will likely never be able to patch that side of my family in the same way for my European ancestry. I recognize how much more important it is to focus on the culture more at risk of going extinct, I just wish I could explore them both with the same ease. I grew up without and still don't really have any friends but online I'd always find myself being most at home feeling when talking to Scandinavians but more so with English and even more than that with Irish and Scottish people specifically. Obviously I got along with tribal relations fine but I mean as far as relationships go like in school or otherwise white dominated areas. I am 21, never been kissed, and most of my relationships have been online/LDR. The best one ever actually was with a Scottish person and we were together for years but he dumped me out of nowhere one day without even a fight and he's never been back in contact with me since to my worst dismay. I truly feel like if my white ancestors never left hundreds of years ago I may honestly have had a better childhood with more of a chance of having a social life. Even if I didn't I would've at least had sacred wells and hills and ancient monuments to explore and meditate in to connect to my ancestors. I love my Native ancestry and by all means I agree with their values and relate harder to their culture on every level because of how close I was to it growing up, but I can't help but feel people who are completely white with absolutely no historical connection to their current lands should have at least a little feeling of unease never knowing where they come from? I understand if I was only white that I wouldn't be me and genetically I'd be a whole different person but I mean hypothetically if I were to be the same personality/consciousness I'd probably be a lot more well off socially and emotionally if I'd at least grown up in a more Celtic setting. I really hate when I see Americans trying to be all in people's faces when exploring Celtic and honestly European culture in general for "ancestry" reasons because I am fully aware of how objectifying and detached that comes off and I really don't want this to sound like something from one of those Americans. The feelings in my head and heart are just too big for my autistic ADHD brain to even begin to process in a way that words can do justice to. At the risk of sounding like a loser- I crave a deeper connection to the Earth around me and with people who are familiar with my ancestral cultures. I'm not saying they actually have to be from them, reincarnation exists in Celtic belief so just because you're not from that place in this life doesn't mean you weren't connected to it before. Idk. I'm rambling at this point. If you're a druid or otherwise passionate about Ireland, Scotland, Wales, Celtic Britain, Aisle of Man, Cornwall, Brittany, etc please DM me I'm begging. I've recently enrolled in the OBOD so I'm really hoping to find people to learn/talk about bards with and just general friendship ;-;

[sequencefairy]

Hi, I hope this is okay to ask. If not, totally okay! I am recently becoming comfortable with my attraction to women and bisexuality. However, I am also in a relationship with a cis man I care about and love very much. Can I ask about your journey and becoming comfortable with your sexuality within the context of your relationship?

Big question, I love it. Thank you for asking.

So, my partner and I have been together since I was 18, which was well before I really started interrogating my sexuality and what that meant for me. I grew up Catholic, with Conservative-leaning family, especially regarding social issues, so I never really knew there were options other than being straight.

Looking back, I definitely had some very intense friendships with girlfriends in highschool that probably should have clued me in earlier, but I didn't know it was an option and I liked boys just fine, so I figured everyone had girls they wanted to sit really close to and whose hair they wanted to touch, and clearly I enjoyed kissing boys, ergo I was straight.

When my partner and I moved in together in my third year of university, that was when I started to wonder about my sexuality and what being queer meant, especially as someone who was and continues to be in love with a cisgendered dude, and is generally monogamous. I looked at my attraction to women and my attraction to my partner, and looked at our relationship, wondering if I was missing something in it, and wondering if I wanted something he couldn't give me. I worried a lot about whether it was like, the seven year itch, or a quarter life crisis brought on by swapping majors in university and narrowly avoiding a nervous breakdown. I wondered if I was just imagining things, or if I was just being influenced by being around out, proud queer people on the regular as part of being a volunteer at the women's center on campus. I wondered if I should say anything, to anyone, or if I should just keep it to myself forever, suppressing the desires I realised I'd been feeling for such a long time, now. I wondered if my friends would still like me. I wondered if I would have to come out to my family. I wondered if my partner would leave me. I wondered if we would survive this revelation I was having about myself.

It was a scary thing to think about. I could lose someone I loved very much and who I knew loved me, and whose life was entwined with mine. But I also knew that he was a good person, and a kind person - I wouldn't have been with him otherwise, so I had to trust that he would see this not as a threat, but as a deepening of our intimacy and so, in the end, I decided I couldn't keep it to myself. I couldn't go on pretending I was something I wasn't.

It's been a journey, really - I had to come out to myself, and then to the people around me who mattered and who I needed to love all of me and not just the most public bits. I came out to my partner fairly early on, and it was a bit fraught! I was worried he'd not take it well - and initially, to be honest, it was a touchy thing between us! We've grown so much as a couple since then though, that now it's just a part of me that he accepts and celebrates and acknowledges.

I still, many years on, struggle with being queer enough because I'm passably straight, and don't outwardly 'Look Queer:tm:' so people just make assumptions. Even though I'm pretty loudly out online, I'm a little less out in real life. I work in a professional corporate setting, my parents are still Conservative, the community I live in is very rural, etc., which all adds up to not always feeling safe to be out and so I maintain my stealth mode a lot.

But, the crux of it all for me, is that my relationship is queer because I am in it. I am queer regardless of who I am or am not dating. I love my partner, and I intend to keep on loving him until we are old and grey and buried, and my being queer is just a part of me as the person who my partner loves. I fell in love with him before I was out to myself, and maybe, in another life, I'd have met a woman I loved first, or figured it out sooner, or or or - but I don't live those other lives, I live this one, and in it, I love him, and he loves me, and I'm queer, and that's enough.

Welcome to the journey, beloved. It's a lifelong one, and we all do it at our own pace. There's no right or wrong way to be queer, there's only the way you are.

[outofcontextbokumono]

Any recommendations on what hm game to start with?

honestlyyy this is always a pretty hard one to answer because it really just depends on your expectations/what you're looking for haha. though a majority of the hardcore fans find it to be repetitive (me included lol) if you're a complete beginner to the series, story of seasons: pioneers of olivee town is very slow-paced and a lot of new players found it to be a perfect entryway into the franchise :) there aren't really any weird mechanics to take into account and you can play through it pretty easily without any extra guides or searching things online lol. its a lot more like stardew valley tbh which wasn't really my cup of tea but i know it is a lot of others'!!!

otherwise it really does just depend on what you want, all the games are different and have their own unique focus!!! if you like the general farming and community aspects, a wonderful life i feel has the most in depth livestock and crop systems, particularly with the breeding and hybrid crop mechanics; and it's by far the one where your relationships with your family and townspeople get fleshed out the most. trio of towns is really beginner friendly and i think it has some of the best and most well written characters in the franchise, as well as having a lot of unique recipes, crops and festivals with the 3 different cultures!!! animal parade is another one that's pretty well balanced, though it starts out pretty slow i love the depth of all the rival couples/kids and especially your own family, and it's overall a very charming game that's p easy to get the hang of.

honestly they're all pretty good!! i think the only ones i wouldn't recommend for a first timer would probably be most of the older ds titles-- a lot of people have nostalgia for them since they came out in their childhoods, but they can be pretty grind-y and hard to understand for someone who's just coming into the series. the first game to use the story of seasons title (SOS1) is also pretty intimidating for even some more experienced players lol. for the most part though just look into some guides and gameplays and see what catches your eye!!! :D

[leopardom]

i thought i wouldn't end up making one of those sappy posts before the end of 2023 but here we are i guess

what i wanna say in advance is a huge thank you, and that i'm sorry

this year has been a nightmare for me and i can't stress that word enough. i won't get into details, if you follow me you may have seen some occassional rant posts. long story short though, i'm ending 2023 being mentally exhausted af and even though i'm not in my most optimistic mood, i hope 2024 will not as shitty as 2023

as of my tumblr presence, there have been some changes. i jumped from one fandom to another without completely leaving the bc fandom. i'm just not that much in the mood anymore. maybe this will change once the new album is out? we'll see 👀 and jumping to another fandom means that i lost contact with so many people from the bc fandom. i promise you i didn't do this on purpose and i don't hate or stopped liking any of you. it just... things got weird and a bit too much in my head and now idk how to keep contact without looking extremely weird in this fandom

anyway! entering another fandom has been weird not only in means of interests but also in means of communication. ever since i remember my tumblr activity in any fandom, i always tried to interact as much as possible with other accounts and talk with people, whether that was via posts or messages. in the jo fandom i feel like i have kinda failed that

i'm aware that i post a lot and i'm probably everywhere with the content updates and the gifs. and that may be annoying to some people. and i understand it, i don't like it but i understand it and i wanna apologise for being... all over the place yet not really reaching out to anyone in the fandom or building any kind of online friendship

idk if there's an accurate explanation for the way i feel about this so i'll put it in the best words possible: i wanna make jokes and have fun in here and exchange random messages or mentions in posts and talk shit or not about jo etc, but i feel like my social anxiety (both online and offline) has passed any limit i had put to it until now that i end up thinking it's actually wrong to interact with anyone in this fandom. because everyone has already connected with some people and have built a specific line of interests and you all seem so fucking cool for someone who is as insecure and scared to talk as me so i end up hiding behind my gifs, shitposts and content updates in hopes that people will like me or at least aknowledge i exist in this fandom. and again, that's all on me, there's no one to blame for this behaviour but me and my fucked up mind (which got even more fucked up in the past year). so idk, i feel like i wanna apologise for this, for being like that

however, no matter the anxiety, i must admit that the jo tumblr fandom was actually my escape when things in real life got bad bad. i've spent hours scrolling through the jo and kaarija hashtags in hopes of seeing something unhinged and funny to lift my mood and you know what? i found something every single time. and that was more than nice. if it wasn't for all of you being as funny and crazy (in a positive way) as you are, i'd feel even worse. but every time i open the jo hashtag there's someone posting a wholesome thing or saying something unhinged like how many ways has Kris listed to kill Bojan in his sleep lmao

anyway i ended up writing a lot, this could easily be an entry to the journal that i don't keep but maybe should start keeping. if you read until this point, congratulations for going through all this ramble and i'm sorry

hope 2024 is gonna be a lot different than 2023 but in a good way this time. and i hope i get better and actually get to interact more with all of you great people 💕 and obviously i hope you all have a fantastic year ahead of you 💖

[synthy-sizer]

[HERESY is ONLINE]

Heresy: Hello?

VitalsStation12B: Hi.

Heresy: Oh good, you're ok

Heresy: Do you have the station data?

VitalsStation12B: I opened the application but I've got to be honest

VitalsStation12B: I don't really understand what it all means or what you want to know

Heresy: Ah, right

Heresy: I'm getting ahead of myself

Heresy: If you open the vitals monitor again and double-click on any of the green dots they will show you more detailed information.

Heresy: Click on whichever one you like for now and tell me what the readout says.

You minimize the window and stare at the desktop once again. They said to look at the VITALS MONITOR again, right?

Open vitals monitor>

You click on the vitals monitor again and the page opens, once again displaying an array of dots along several wedges of a circular map. Only a few are GREEN.

Double-click green dot>

You randomly decide on station 151 and double-click it. A chart opens which has a long CHECKLIST on it. Above the checklist is a large signifier reading "OK".

Look at checklist>

There's a long list of items on the checklist. Most are marked with O but some are marked with X.

SAFETY CHECKLIST

Terminal: O

Aircon: O

Lights: O

Ventilation: X

EUTHANASIA INJECTION

Injection: O

Siren: X

Lights: X

WARNING: CODE 108

Some of the items listed are familiar to you. You know what air conditioning, lights and ventilation are. And the terminal sounds like the computer you're using. But it's hard to tell what the rest means. Sure, there's a siren on your wall, and there were lights in the tunnel, but what do they have to do with the euthanasia protocol? And what is code 108? Maybe HERESY has answers.

Talk to Heresy>

VitalsStation12B: What's code 108?

Heresy: Ah, so you managed to open up the details

Heresy: Code 108 is exactly what I'm looking for actually

Heresy: Please check any other green stations for that.

VitalsStation12B: Well that's all well and good but

VitalsStation12B: What does code 108 mean?

Heresy: Don't worry, I'll explain everything in time

Heresy: I just need the data first.

You can't say you aren't irked. But there's no real reason not to follow along. You spend your day searching through stations on the vitals monitor and pestering the stranger for answers. Soon enough you check the clock on the computer and realize how much time has passed. You should probably leave before your parents get suspicious. It would be a good idea to make sure HERESY doesn't think you're dead first, though.

Talk to Heresy>

VitalsStation12B: I've got to go home now

Heresy: Ah, yeah, you probably can't afford to rouse suspicion can you?

VitalsStation12B: How do you know so much about me?

VitalsStation12B: Where are you?Heresy: Hm…

Heresy: I wasn't really sure how to tell you, to be honest.

Heresy: What I'm about to tell you is probably going to be a real shock so…

Heresy: Are you ready to hear it?

You sit silently for a moment. You reflect upon everything that's happened to you over the last month. You found a mysterious door in the dirt that goes against everything about your community. You've lied and stolen in pursuit of the truth. And everything since you found the door the entire world feels wrong, like a facsimile of normalcy. The deeper you dive into the rabbit hole, the more wrong it feels. You're afraid of that, obviously, who wouldn't be? But at the same time you don't feel able to go back to the way things were. You need to learn the truth.

VitalsStation12B: Yes. I'm ready.

Heresy: Ok…

Heresy: I'm on Earth right now, what you call Otherside.

Heresy: Everything they've taught you about Luna is a lie.

Heresy: Humanity came from Earth, not Luna.

Heresy: It's safe here.

Heresy: They lied to you.

Heresy: And I'm going to try and help you fix it.

You're surprised by Heresy's words. You struggle to get a grasp of them. It feels like your head is spinning. Everything was a lie…? You might have spiraled entirely out of control, if not for a deeper part of yourself, a small voice telling you that you knew all along. That they're right. That you needed to hear the truth, to face it head on. Your mind may still be swirling, but you feel in control, for maybe the first time ever. You leave a short farewell and climb up the ladder and close the door. And then you walk home, with a new steadfast resolve. You're going to resolve every mystery before you and fix the mistakes. You know you will. You look back at the door one last time and then walk home.

NEXT

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