#i feel like no one really likes me and im just an aquaintance

[coypurat]

i wish there was a way to ask people what they thought of me without feeling like this image

[lucabyte]

obligatory ramble about postcanon loop ask

also your art is amazing

Hiiiiiiiii :D thank you :)!!

and thank you for the excuse to post the. just absolute wall of text that i truncated down to form the tags of that post. (i did,,, hit the tag limit. i forgot tumblr had one of those...) so let me just paste that and tidy it up a bit...

I am putting this under a readmore because it's a bit long. but:

This is like. The General Context for all* of my postcanon doodles? (Except AUs obviously) Like this is the base idea I've been drawing them all in. So, feel free to backread with this in mind. I've basically had this 'postcanon' timeline set in my brain since finishing the game...

My general thoughts are that I like the idea of Loop (even if through dubiously ethical means) being able to slowly reintegrate with the party as a whole new person, because they are, in fact, their own person.

It's a muddle of thematic threads im pulling on and "wouldn't it be fucked up if", but. (at its core, it's powered by the fact that like, while narratively isat's theme of 'the only person who can truly take the first step to help you is yourself'. (wrt: loop helping the party help siffrin in act 5) which i LOVE AND IS GREAT NARRATIVELY…. would be super fucked up irl to learn that your friend 'learned as a lesson' while you stood by kinda uselessly. I know i'd be upset about it. but thats mostly background here. doesn't really come up. at least not until loop has to explain who they are and the party realises they had to fall back on literally themselves again for help, but i digress,)

The real core concept is: Occam's razor. It is like, inherently, a buckwild thing to accuse a person of being somehow a clone or copy of your friend. Even if they start vaguely alluding to a backstory it's far more likely they were some other person before all that. (I still think Odile has that theory in the back pocket but she's rational enough to know it's a really long shot without a solid explanation. and i think Loop deep down knows this, and would, if cornered into confessing, turn the situation around to go J'ACCUSE and make HER explain it instead. Ever longer dodging being direct with their emotions...)

And the party are nice! And if someone has changed and wants to keep stuff secret it's kind of not their business? (Though it's hard not to speculate… see: the main joke of the doodles) And they seem important to Siffrin so they just try to accept them abrasive quirks and all. And eventually the question of their prior identity just fades away since, well, they're Loop. Their friend Loop.

but yeah. personal headcanon is that a few months/weeks after picking up and getting aquainted with Nille** (since that was presumably the IMMEDIATE TASK postgame), Loop reappears (either after a literal period of nonexistance, or just spending a few months wandering the french countryside alone being attacked by wild dogs). Since Siffrin has had a while to be therapised by the party they're doing mostly okay, but Loop showing up and still being agitated/aggressive pulls them both into a bit of a backslide behaviourally and puts the party on the back foot again.

Hooowever, I do think that due to no longer being literally stewing in the worst pressure cooker of all time together, the two do mostly actually sort themselves out with productive conversation. (Via a cycle of: genuinely distressing argument -> weeeird lovebombing -> ok we're good -> repeat, that gets less intense over time)

Thus, allowing the party to just. Integrate loop as a new person. They and Siffrin shuffle into different ecological niches (Loop taking over stuff Siffrin is now too squeamish for, etc (see: hunting, mostly)), and while it's not exactly what Loop wanted they generally get that beggars can't be choosers and it's a pretty good deal. And the rest of the party does straight up just like them as a friend, especially when Loop quits trying to actively antagonise them after a few weeks of being around them, since they just can't keep up being mean to people they like forever.

As for how I think the truth eventually drags itself out. This is where I invoke The Isabeau Torment Nexus™. So its gonna get shippy here for a bit hold on.

Which is, I think giving them time before Loop reappears long enough that Siffrin and Iseabeau actually manage to become established, Isabeau has to be the one to nudge the pair of them and go. "Hey. You know we're in Vaugarde right. I'm okay with polyamory if we all communicate." Before Loop and Siffrin actually even acknowledge that whatever the fuck they have going on kinda looks a lot like a relationship of some kind. (or have already been agonising about that via fighting and arguing, depending) (Obviously this comes after Isa "Emotionally intelligent enough to keep a lid on the jealousy" Beau has managed to use that big brain of his to Not just go Scream somewhere on the daily because oh godddd they keep talking like theyre suicide-baiting each other jesus chriiist. is it overstepping his boundaries to bring that up?? god)

This, taking a bunch of the tension out of Loop and Isabeau's relationship (Since I imagine Loop is a. being weird for the obvious reasons and b. feeling kinda guilty about 'getting in the way of' Siffrin and Iseabeau), allows them to actually get close in a normal friend way. (I think an interesting turning point could be Isabeau actually taking Loop's side in an argument vs Siffrin, which would absolutely break Loop's brain. Especially if it's an argument that matters. Like what do you mean he isn't just going to play favourites. What?)

Then Isabeau, just actually open minded and charmed by Loop (and maybe even somewhat at Siffrin's suggestion?) tries to close the final open side on the polyamory triangle here and that's the final straw for Loop on "This lie by omission is too unethical to keep up, this is just actually sick and wrong. I can't do this while he doesn't know who I am." Though. Obviously it probably goes. Very poorly with emotions high like that. And the added element of several months of deceit. Getting dark here for a second but that dagger is going MISSING and so are THEY for a hot minute.

Then yaaay everything works out in the end 👍 yippieee!! all it took was maybe a lot of harrowed recontextualisation of all the weird shit your new friend said and did when it turns out they're your old friend. It's fine.

But yeah. this is basically the context all of my postcanon doodles have existed within? And those exist to give other people something to chew on. So this does too.

I suppose TL;DR: Imagine if sloopis almost fucking happens before isabeau knows who loop is. can you fucking imagine. can you imagine having to navigate that. nightmare.

*Yes this includes the implied cannibalism comic. Uhh. Comes part and parcel with headcanoning that Loop went way off the deep end similar to A5 Sif But Maybe Worse before giving in. Add weepy half-asleep confessions to murder wherever you see fit in your mind palace. 👍👍👍

**Re: Nille footnote. I don't have anywhere to put this besides here! I have some thoughts on Loop and Nille having an odd dynamic. I don't imagine Nille to be super gung-ho on trusting a bunch of adults (even if they are majority around her age) given their implied backstory. It's probably a big shock to the system, especially since Bambouche is a good couple hundred Kilometers up north from Dormont and these guys don't seem to have trains. She would've been unfrozen and without Bonnie for some time....

Which is to say: I think she's suspicious of them. I think she may be looking for excuses to distance herself, keep Bonnie safe. SO.... A new guy showing up? And antagonising the party? What do they know that I don't...? I should find out.

And since... Loop didn't ever know Nille, they have no ammunition or real reason to be cruel. Plus, if they're trying to stay on Bonnie's good side (SINCE... if Bonnie thought Loop was cringe they may as well kill themselves. In their mind.) they SUPER have no reason to antagonise Nille.

Mostly, they might be able to open up to each other easier than they can the rest of the party?

I feel like this resolves with Loop feeling compelled to apologise for what they and Siffrin let happen to Bonnie, though... Hmm... Depends on how you interpret Nille that they'd be glad nobody else had been told about that yet, or furious it had been secret this long. I lean toward the former.

[aropride]

hi

hello internet strangers want to hear about my personal life as per usual

well as those familiar w my lore know my title ix case (us-specific college thing where, tldr, if u get sexually assaulted u can do a little mini court case thru ur school) is finally fucking over + i won . which is awesome. unfortunately the respondent (title ix word for "person who did the assaulting") got preeeetty much no sanctions at all . like literally nothing changed . the lawyer recommended they be moved to the other dorm hall but they couldnt, so basically they got put on probation and that's it. Lmao. which means my situation is WORSE than before i filed the complaint, bc b4 i filed the complaint they were in the other dorm hall, and then they moved to mine. but i can't do shit about it unless i want to take my school to, like, court.

well anyway the respondent's life changed in no meaningful way Except they moved out of the dorms last month by their own choice. i assumed that meant they were embarassed abt what they did But i guess not. Bc they've been getting really into on campus events and hanging out in the central building that i like to hang out at. and its like. okay. whatever.

but the thing is . theyve been going to a lot of queer-centric events recently . and while im the only person whos filed a complaint or won a case against them. i am not the only victim i know that for a fact and the other victim is also a queer person. So can you see why im worried about someone who managed to sexually assault two queer people within the first week of living on campus like, integrating themself into the community like nothing fucking happened

and theres this school dance coming up in a couple weeks and im worried that will give them an opportunity to like. hurt someone else.

and i want people to KNow what they did because i dont feel safe with them on campus anyway but i especially dont feel safe now theyre talking to people and making friends (especially bc most of their friends r like. friends of friends. like i dont know them but i know of them yk) . i dont know what theyre saying about me (if anything) and i especially dont know if theyve hurt anyone else. and they might have! because they demonstrated a frankly dangerous lack of regard for consent repeatedly Like i think this is a genuinely dangerous person, whether by malice or stupidity or both, and i dont want anyone else to get hurt

BUT THE KICKER IS...! well first of all we're bound by a no-contact order (baby version of a restraining order). you cant be in the same classes and you cant talk to each other (irl, online, or thru a 3rd person) the title ix coordinator has provided jack shit about what a no contact order actually entails btw lol 😒. But if i were to tell someone and they went and told that person, idk if that would be considered 3rd party contact, which would get Me in trouble

i also dont know if it would be considered "breaking confidentiality" if i said their name- again, don't know jack shit, don't have documentation of the actual rules i'm supposed to be following. but i really dont feel like this is a safe situation for this person to be on campus with no one knowing what they did

im also just generally worried about them finding out ive told people and getting mad and going to the coordinator and me getting in trouble when the only reason im even considering this is bc, again, the school didnt do jack shit

and i dont even know How i would tell aynone . like im not rly friends with most of these people . i see them around and some of them i think are cool but theyre not friends or really even aquaintences . so it would be fucking weird .

but i dont know what to do and i dont want anyone else to get hurt . and i know thats not on Me, but. i also dont want to sit back and Know. and not say anytthing

[whilomm]

the scene with shuro telling laios fhat shit hurt me in particular because i went through a really fucking shitty friend break up that long story short lead to one of the worst suicidal periods of my life and throughout the entire thing one tiny fucking phrase they said was running through my head for years just "i should have broke it off when i realized we had nothing in common" and i got so fucking stuck on and obsessed with that one tiny fucking thing they said. every single time i tried to meet new people it was on mymind and i was wondering "am i missing signals? am i annoying them? do they want me to leave but theyre too polite to say anything?" so i pretty much just fucking abandoned every single attempt and ghosted people because i was so scared of getting attached again and fucking up again. i honestly dont even have any irl friends now outside of a couple of work aquaintances and maybe i still wouldnt maybe my personality is just that shit but that thing made me terrified to even try. so i dont fucking know wby im giving shuro so much leeway maybe im just trying to understand people better maybe im trying not to demonize my ex friend because i spent so fucking long going back and forth between hating them and hating myself and thinking its their fault and thinking its my fault maybe im just trying to understand what its like to be on the otherside of an annoying autistic bitch who cant read signals. is that healthy because im trying to understand other viewpoints? is it unhealthy because after like 6 fucking years theyre still in the back of my mind making me paranoid that everyone hates me? is it unhealthy because im once agin just projecting everything onto fictional characters instead of actually dealing with shit in the real world and trying to figure out whats wrong with me? i dont fucking know!!! but its probably not healthy for me to just demonize this fictional dude and project all of my negative feelings on him and swing back into "ITS ALL THEIR FAULT I DID NOTHING WRONG" so fuck i guess ill just avoid that part of it.

[imjustabeanie]

Hey hi hello!! I'd like to request a match up with someone from Obey me and bungo stray dogs if that's okay.

She/her and straight.

Personality/habits:

I get described as 'gremlin-like' and chaotic, and I can't really deny it. I'm usually pretty energetic and tend to have an optimistic point of view. I get nervous when meeting new people, so I starting talking a lot and really fast too. I always try to be the clown of the group and I think it's because I crave constant attention and validation. I have a habit of speaking pretty loud which just adds to that.

I'm ENTP, 7w8, Chaotic good if that's any help.

I also have a pretty good memory and seem to remember almost every single conversation with my friends word for word (im just trying to think of things to write about at this point..).

I'd say I can control my emotions pretty well, I've never snapped at my friends. It's hard for me to stay still so I fidget a lot. It's like I always have to be doing something.

My hobbies/interests:

I like writing short stories a lot. I just find it so cool that I can pour my emotions into a story then re-read it in a few months and relive the feeling.

I like baking as well! It's a nice way to pass time and the results are even better.

Love languages:

My giving love language is physical touch while my receiving one is quality time.

I'm pretty clingy and I like to hug people from behind. Literally any form of physical touch makes me happy. But when I get pushed away it's kinda like heart break for me. I feel kind of overdramatic when that happens.

Spending quality time together is a must. Idc how, where or when, I just want to be with the person I like. Let that be watching a movie together, cooking together or just talking. Quality tike makes me feel wanted and loved, so it's really important for me.

As for deal brakers: I'd say it would be being taken for granted. I'm a people pleaser, and when the other person doesn't appreciate the things I do for them. Also I hate being told to "calm down". It makes me feel annoying and too much.

I couldn't think of anything else to write so I hope this is enough ^^

Thank youuu

Howdy! I don't write for BSD and it's only one fandom per match unless it's an appearance matchup.

Your obey me match is....Satan!

You and Satan are an explosive but loving couple. He never takes you for granted and encourages you to express all your emotions and not just bottle them up. And you teach him new ways to express them. Overall you two help the other improve.

Your chaotic personality is something he really enjoys. It's funny and adventurous so he'll always hype you up for it. He's rather intraverted but enjoys the casual outlings. He's invited to many places and always takes you as his plus one or try to get into places he knows you'd enjoy.

Satan keeps up with your fast talking easily, he understands you just get nervous or excited. He's used to it by Levi...Your jokes also make him chuckle. Once he realises you crave attention and validation, he'll give it to you more often. He understands the need for validation too. Satan also tries to help you by showing you don't need to be the clown of the group to be accepted. Just be yourself and whoever stays is a real friend. The rest are just aquaintances. Yes it's ironic given his title as lord of fools.

Satan likes your good memory! You're so attentive to what he says it just makes him feel all warm inside. He feels at ease with you. He also highly encourages you to write. He's a pretty harsh critic but it's for your own good.

Satan isn't a very touchy guy. It's gonna take time for him to warm up like that! And he's pretty private about it too. It doesn't mean he'll push you away, he just won't initiate in public. He'll explain this boundary to you so there won't be fights/he won't upset you. He pushed you away the first time and instantly regreted it. It resulted in a long discussion where both your boundaries were set. Besides that he likes baking with you! He's a good cook and overall, he likes doing domestic things with his lover.

[bitchwhoreofastorm]

fun story, I think :

so like. you and i used to be on an rp server together. specifically on the get along shirt one. but i'm staying on anon because i'm a bit (very) shy and because im generally not proud of the person I was back then.

but anyways!

I casually mentioned to a friend how a former aquaintance (you) has an oc that half of tesblr knows, and that if she didn't believe me, she could just type iliah into the Tumblr search bar and see for herself.

to which, she went "you were aquainted with THE AYEM???" and proceeded to verbally strangle me through the screen (positively)

turns out, my friend is actually a huge fan of your works, especially egg of time. fun coincidence.

with that said, hope you're doing well these days 👍

oh my god. you said "get along shirt" and had to go smoke a cigarette and stare haggardly out of the window

(i'm kidding, i'm kidding, but holy shit, what a time that was. please don't feel bad, i too was absolutely fucking insane in those days-- i was going thru dbt and then covid hit. it was A Lot.)

(fwiw i remember it very fondly-- writing the fakeout of almalexia hugging the other tribunes rather than murdering them is still some of the most fun i've ever had in this fandom :') lots of people yelling at me that day)

anyways it's so surreal to get these messages ahah. i really do assume that maybe three people read my stuff, especially egg which is just bonkers long. that is such a fun coincidence i can't believe iliah is a fandom celebrity. she would be SO embarrassed.

i hope you're doing well too!!! if you ever want to chat please do not be afraid to hmu, i promise i'm much more normal these days

[kittycowboy]

UGH i have like zero friends offline. not even "like" I just Do Not have friends offline. I think im just unapproachable and even when I do get an aquaintence idk when we're close enough to hang out outside of school or whatever. Or what to even do. what to talk about. And there arent even chances to get closer because theyre already hanging out with other people who they're close to right. so if I'm with them the day after then it'll be like how when ur on a duet you get the low carb bread or smth. and if ur onky having that stuff then its fine because you getbused ti the tatse but the second you taste normal bread again ur like why am I havjng this low carb version when the regulsr one is like way way better. whatever that didnt make sense

UGH and its hard too bcs like. I go to the baking club to make friends but then when I make a friend there they get annoyed when outside of the club i talk about the new csm chapter or how great dungeon meshi is right. And when I go to the anime club I meet a bunch of rlly weird ppl who I just dont enjoy in general. And if I dont talk abt animanga n everything my convos become really repetative and boring. And actually I dont talk about it modt of ghe time bcs it weird ppl out !! blehhhh. And like obviously I can talk about other things that they enojoy its not like im stuck only talking abt myself, but its still like. whatever

UGH and I had one group I was in since elementary but then one of them wasnt around for lunches bcs she had a weird schedule, and one was in a bunch of theater shows so she was never there bcs of practice, and the only one left was this girl I find kinda annoying but shes been with us since fourth grade and everyone else likes her so its better for me to read in the library every day than to try to kick her out because i dont want to be around her.

ughhh I want to join a club but its so hard finding out which ones actually have stuff to do and which are really just abother room for ppl to hang out at during lunch. or like the drama club which is technically open to anyone but its really more of an invitation-only event.

The gardening club seems cool idk. or the languages club. I went to a few native american student union meetings last year but i didnt feel like I could rlly connect- most of the ppl there were from Oregon tribes bcs. we're in Oregon so it felt a little weird coming in there with hashtag arizona pride. lol

whatever. maybe ill study nueroscience so I can figure out how to not be autistic

[kerykomo]

been having just a smidge of a hard time recently. (semi-vent post under the break, if you wish to read.)

i just got done with my university semester, technically end of my sophomore year, technically start of my freshman year? its complicated, i transferred. and despite spending all of it with the lovely light of my life, i don’t think i’d ever felt so lonely in my life, perhaps save for the pandemic. it was a different kind of lonely- not some longing for love or companionship- i had that already. i just didn’t make any friends of my own- i kind of got swept into a group that was my partner’s, and not my own. i didn’t bond with these people like my partner did, and i didn’t fit in with them really either. i enjoyed spending time with them and we got along well enough, and i have a lot of happy memories and funny videos to look back on now, but every time i went to hang out with them it was similar to trying to shove a puzzle peice where it didn’t belong. i was an outsider- literally, having transferred and moved from across the country- and i wasn’t used to the region or the demeanor of people from the area. and most of my classes had this same group in them- all being from the same major, go figure- but it didn’t give me many opportunities to branch out and interact with people aside from this group.

i felt like i was kinda floating on an ice sheet with these same people, and even though i didnt really like it on this platform, branching out to another one would take swimming through the freezing water.

only one person, maybe two of the roughly 8 of us were any form of inclusive or inviting to me, to my recollection. and we got along pretty good, but it just felt like every invitation to go hang out with the group was an inconvenience. like “oh we’re gonna go hang out, i guess we should invite komo to come along.” and there were some hangouts that didnt involve me, which i was fine with. again, i was an outsider they had known for maybe a month or two when they’d all known each other for the whole semester previous. im lucky my partner doubles as my best friend and we never mind hanging out with each other, because otherwise i think i wouldve just left mid-semester and went home. i did meet a few people on my own, but because i rarely saw them and they had little interest in hanging out outside of class, their status to me has remained more of “aquaintances” or classmates than actual friends.

secondary to the friend problem, it was recently brought to my attention by my partner that i pretty much have art block or art burnout all? the time?? and have for years??? so. im not sure what that says about my rickety roller-coaster of a mental state but i know it isnt good. i just brought up how i feel like i can’t draw most of the time, or when i want to what i make isnt satisfactory or doesnt look good. at first i thought it was just a style crisis- since i tend to have those pretty frequently and change up the way i draw or try something new cause i get bored of the last thing. but every now and then its like im blessed by the art gods and i can draw exactlly what i want the way i want to. it used to happen more frequently in previous years but its become less and less frequent now, no matter how much of my time dedicate to drawing.

im trying to refresh myself by drawing on paper more often but its still incredibly difficult to come up with anything or even want to draw most days. of course i want to- i have fun with it and i like drawing and its more often than not an outlet for me. but i just feel… stuck. similar to my friends, i dont like where i am and i want to leave it but im not going to like the process to get there and i might not like the outcome. some of its my own personal anxieties, i know, but its hard to move past those.

anyways, i just remembered yesterday that its mermay and i want to make at least a few pieces for the summer season. maybe thinking of the ocean will keep me going for a little longer.

until next time, i hope everyone takes care of themselves. remember to hydrate and drink water even if its not hot outside; your body still needs it. :)

if youve read to all the way down here, thanks for hearing out the problems of a rando on the internet. i appreciate you taking the time to do that.

[caramelmochacrow]

every time i finish a term/quarter of school, i just have. thoughts.

cut bc. yeah.

i really hate my full name. not because (or not just because) it's my technical dead name, but because of how no matter what, people mispronounce it. no matter where i am.

my first and second names are literally pronounced how they are spelt. it's quick, simple and fine. but my classmates (before NZ) kept mispronouncing my first name. i just stopped correcting it after a week because they weren't good with english (well, most) so i understood why. my second name is the easiest to pronounce among my names, but not for kiwis.

they say it without the slightly hard R in my name. they say it softly, as though it were an L. i understand why, i know why. but i feel so sick of it, like it isnt me. that isnt how you say it. im not that person.

the only people who pronounce it right are a few maori students, international students, and just people who are not white. my friends -- most of whom are around asia -- pronounce it with an R. every time i hear them call my name i feel comfortable, i am that person. i dont even care that it's my technical dead name. that's me.

every time, one of my friends always say it w the R like that. like, consistently. and i feel happy thinking about it.

but you know what? a teacher still manage to literally mispronounce it so bad it's a whole other name.

the teacher that was supposed to say my name in my award ceremony today managed to say it w an i before. like. how!?!?!?!?!?!??! there is no i. there is a fucking L. like. ????

in the ceremony, she managed to pronounced my name right, but my last name was always. consistently. mispronounced. im not surprised bc it was spanish. but it's just. yeah wow. okay. sure. whatever. the staff will apologize when they mispronounce one of the maori students' name, but not THREE of the filipino students called to be given an award? okay. that's fine. whatever. tagalog is hard to pronounce. who gives a fuck. tagalog isnt well know to the point people call it 'filipino' EVEN THOUGH. SAYING TAGALOG IS FILIPINO. IS LIKE SAYING "OH, HINDI IS THE SAME AS PUNJABI" EVEN THOUGH IT FUCKING ISNT. OR EVEN "HINDI IS INDIAN." LIKE. !?!?!?!? IT'S LIKE YOUR SAYING THE NORTH ISLAND DIALECT OF MAORI IS THE SAME AS THE SOUTH ISLAND DIALECT.

it's saying ilocano isnt a thing, bisaya isnt a thing, like. all of the dialects in the philippines dont fucking exist. you are erasing my fucking history bitch.

people not knowing is fine, i know people don't know, but when i correct you more than once, i think you should get it in your head now. most of the maori students say 'tagalog' rather than 'filipino' but holy shit most if not ALL of my white classmates (except for my friends) say filipino. you SPEAK filipino. you're speaking FILIPINO.

I AM FILIPINO THANK YOU BUT IT'S TAGALOG. I SPEAK TAGALOG. like.

it must be bc of how much my schools told me to be proud of my heritage but every time people get something slightly wrong, i get annoyed. not to the point i scream at them, but i just get annoyed and think 'that's wrong.... but eh they not've known' and move on.

one of my classmates yelled to my filipino aquaintance that she only knew 'filipino' songs. im sorry bitch but what the actual fuck makes you think she doesnt know a single 'western' song? fucking cunt. dont assume shit. she knows english songs you just love thinking that all filipino people arent smart. also the way she said it made it sound like she only knew 'tagalog songs'. as if opm doesnt have any english songs. opm means original pinoy music, not only ptagalog music. it means music made by filipino people. you know IV of spades? they made songs like 'come inside of my heart', 'hey barbara'. which are all in english.

lola amor? they made 'maybe maybe' which is all in english.

actually yk what im gonna listen to some opm rn.

[captainadwen]

random ff7 remake thoughts from 13ish hours in (under cut for remake spoilers for all the ppl like me who are only playing it like a year after its release....)

- overall i am having lots of fun. exploring Expanded Midgar (tm) is so much fun because it is beautiful and I can tell the love that went into every detail. there are potion vending machines and music posters and “clear icicle mineral water” stuffs and also they made the defeat music into a tango and it gave me trauma when i heard it play in an old ppl home (in game)

- that said, im... kinda reluctantly agreeing with someone else who said the best moments are those from the OG game? some of the expanded bits drag a bit long (also i keep getting lost because im adamant about not using minimap if possible), and it feels like a lot of key iconic moments keep getting interrupted by the shades

- like, to the point that when the shades show up it is My Least Favorite because they just interrupt key introductions and whatnot

- i think the game devs tried hard to balance between returning players and total new players but also it just... idk why couldn’t they have left key aerith scenes alone :c

- speaking of, boy this game ships cloti. like, these first 13 hours are really less “cloud joins a terrorist group” and more “which female interaction will make cloud more embarassed or uncomfy”

(its the jesse ones i am sorry but they made me almost as uncomfortable as they made cloud like nopeeee)

- also, im really pissed off that all three female “love interests” do the lean in from side smiley thing that is more aerith’s thing from like... something, not sure what. crisis core maybe? its notable because its ONLY those three that do it and it annoys me like please... you put this much effort into shipping you can at least have different gestures for when they need to lean down and get clouds attention when hes dissociating

- that said, this... is making me ship cloti? i always preferred them as friends but they have like. actual chemistry now. they interact! have jokes! like yes some of it is the limitations of OG but also its just SO much easier for me to swallow clothi in this game than in OG (no one @ me for shipping wars just because i prefer clerith didn’t stop me from going after barret’s date lmao)

- okay no srsly why cant we give the flower to marlene it makes no sense to change that aside from the fact that gold saucer date isnt in this game therefore no date points accrued but STILL it was such a cute interaction

- clouds consciousness from the og timeline is still aware inside cloud?????????? i only know some spoilers about What The Specters Are About but like that surprised me. along w other minor changes that only sorta make sense but mostly feel like done to get the specters in the story....

- when will i go down to the seventh haven basement :’d

- why was reno’s boss fight so fucking brutal

- no twirly sword battle win animation :d

- i still stand that they made sephiroth uglier

- also sephiroth’s weird obsession with cloud is even more hilarious when so constantly re-emphasized like ‘random nobody managed to kill me through the power of sheer rage and physics when i was going insane bc my alien gene donor kinda took over my brain so now i shall obsess over him and only him while i destroy the planet (or maybe not, that was so last timeline ago)’

- for that note, tifa in the remake is also hilarious if you consider the story from her perspective is ‘that loner boy friendly aquaintance/friend of mine showed up looking like he’d been run over by a train claiming to be a SOLDIER and he has the skills and eyes to prove it so i recruit him immediately to join the eco-terrorist bombing missions i dont really support so he can gain Some Monz and then the next day he gets bombed out by a big robot on live tv on a mission he and i weren’t supposed to be on except these crazy phantoms assaulted my team-mates and the next time i’ll see him* is when my fake human trafficking victim scheme hat i employ like the next day after that makes him crossdress to save me’

(maybe i havent gotten that far yet)

- anyway i love carbuncle free gift summon

[sunuism]

I decided that I'm never gonna talk to new people again for tbe rest of my life. trying to make friends is just too much trouble and not worth it.

[scarletcomet]

it's been hard partly because none of my friends (at school) or people in my classes really knew her. i can't even imagine how all of my friends from home and all of her other friends at other schools must be feeling because at least here we are all grieving because she was a part of our community.

[avoidantrecovery]

avpd, the feeling of being watched/observed and masking to yourself

something strange happened while and just after i was bullied. a feeling krept in, that made be believe my bullies were omniscient. i suddenly started feeling like i couldn’t leave the potential for humiliation and rejection behind, even when i was alone in my room, even when i moved away. i always felt like i was being observed in my most vulnerable moments, perhaps recorded by a secret camera, and that this would be then shown to everyone who would ridicule and reject me.

you know how in class, your teacher would sometimes wheel in the tv, or turn on the projector and you got to watch a documentary instead of having to learn? yaaay! right? nope, not for me. at one point i became obsessed with the thought that my bullies had somehow managed to splice the recordings of me into the film. and that everyone was now about to see me in my room. it terrified me, but of course was close to impossible. still, i couldn’t help but think it. and i started to mask, even when i was alone.

and somehow that feeling became disembodied, i left my bullies behind, changed schools several times but still felt like i was being observed, by someone. years went by but i have never managed to shake this feeling of being watched. stories about creepy landlords who had put cameras in smoke detectors and shady hotel rooms began to haunt me. but who would even watch me and why, my life was ordinary, even boring. usually i felt it could be my peers, especially those who intimidated me and who’s “approval” i craved. aquaintences, neighbours, classmates, etc...

and the thing about masking to yourself is you don’t ever get to be yourself, you are constantly weighing what others might be thinking about you. it also means that you have to supress your most deeply held feelings even to yourself. you don’t get to process basic feelings and cannot act on them. instead you are busy doing what you think you should be doing to avoid humiliation and please these omnicient beings. but this is not a way to live your life obviously.

where does the feeling of being watched come from?

while doing a bit of research for this post, i came across a post about this feeling, aparently it is not that unusual and usually happens to people who have social anxiety. it is all linked to gaze perception.

gaze perception is essentially the ability to perceive and interpret another human being looking at you. the ability to discern why someone is looking at you and return a gaze as well. among humans, a gaze can comminicate friendliness, but it can also be used to dominate (aggresive staring for example)

the things that can lead to us perceiveing a gaze when there is none at all, when we are alone for example, is:

uncertainty/confusion about how to interpret gaze, for example after being gaslit by abusers

strict upbringing that entailed constantly being watched and scrutinized

outside influences such as media, emphasizing how we ought to look, behave, appear to others

since in this case, a gaze is a threat, we as avpd suffers try our best to outsmart it. we simply say “i am always being watched” or “i am being watched right now”, to be on the safe side and avoid scrunity, humiliation and/or rejection. it is a survival mechanism that forces us into perpetual masking and avoiding even in situations we wouldn’t have to. it might lead to avoiding own emtions and desires, not being able to live in the moment and in our truth, not catering to our own need.

i’m still looking into this myself, but i really recommend reading the article where i found a chunk of information: https://theswaddle.com/is-this-normal-i-feel-like-someone-is-always-watching-me-even-when-im-alone/

[ghostofcitrus]

does anyone else feel like they’re genuinely just not made to have friends?

edit from post writing: this veers into a vent but genuinely the question stands. i bold the parts i actually care for people to read lol. sorry for the vent, read at your discretion

like every time i start to make friends something goes wrong. they stop talking to me frequently, never text me first, never express interest in hanging out

basically i am always kept at arms length away from people. and i don’t want to be! i desperately want a friend i can share intricacies of my life and thoughts with and i want to hear there’s.

i absolutely adore my boyfriend but he’s only one person and it’s unhealthy for me to only have him… especially when he has his own friends. i’m jelous of him because he has friends! i’m happy for him but fuck i wish i had friends too. on top of just.,. being alone when he’s not there. i’m lonely, i realized recently. deeply lonely.

and idk if it’s because i’m autistic and do friendships and interaction differently. frankly i don’t give a shit why, outcome remains the same. i never get close to anyone no matter how hard i try. and everything is fucking over sharing!!! how much can i talk about my one class!! i want to tell people how my day actually was! the shit that actually happened! what’s actually on my mind! i don’t need to get that deep to just have a conversation but jesus christ it’s like anytbing i do or say is wrong or too much!!?

i constantly feel unwanted and like no body fucking wants to interact with me

this is veering into a vent.but. i feel like im a decent aquaintance and that’s where everyone wants to keep me. that one kid from that one class. that’s it. nothing more. and fuck i’m so sick of it. how do i make friends??? inviting people to hang out never fucking works. trying to catch them to talk a little longer just makes them look at me weird and inch towards the door. why am i like this? i don’t corner people. i do my fucking best to make everyone comfortable. i don’t only want to talk about myself but no one will just talk to me like a normal fucking person!

everyone already has their friend groups. at best im an awkward temporary addition whos tolerated and maybe even temporarily enjoyed. but that’s it. what’s wrong with me? even online no one wants to interact with me, i join the servers and the groups and i talk and try to start convos. i try i fucking try i do i really do. so why. why am i like this? why me?

every time i try to offer to call, to hang out, anything, im shot down. and i tried so fucking hard to be reasonable about it and not get self depricating (’oh they probably actually are just busy/have other plans/etc’ ‘why would they lie to me? theyre always nice!’ etc etc) but theres only so many times i can be the only one to text first, be constantly shot down, and never shown interest in until it starts to feel really fucking personal. idk how i keep managing to make it NOT feel personal at this point. i guess thats a point of pride in my growth, mental health wise, but jfc even my therapist agrees that at this point its not just distorted thinking because i have fucking evidence to back up the claim that no one wants to talk to me.

i’m social! i love talking! i care about others! i ask about their day! i do all the right things so why isn’t it enough?

i do all the things youre told to do! i message first, i keep reaching out even when i start to feel unwanted, i always respond quickly, i agree to do things even when i dont want to, just for the sake of being social (the one time i was even offered, that is. and it was cancelled last minute by the other person anyway.) i join clubs. i take college classes. i talk to people even when i dont feel like it. what more can i do? at a certain point the other person needs to recipricate.

maybe it is just me! like actually genuinely maybe im just not good to be friends with. i talk a lot. i guess im overly persistent and cant take a hint. i definelty overshare because i never know when to shut the fuck up and cant tell whats appropriate info to give out because no one else fucking says anything of substance.

anyways. does anyone else feel like theyre just made to not really have friends? or something of that effect

[kimcheolwoon]

😔

[wornoutmouse]

Im making this gender neutral cause I feel like I did pretty damn good here. And it had a bit of a fairytale ending but I couldn't figure how else to tie it up prettily

Also tried of tumbler adding gaps to all the paragraphs when i copy and paste from docs to here so y'all just gonna have to deal. this fic is way too damn long for me to fix it like i normally do

Also i went over the aparent limit so just look for the words "pt2" in green for the extension

Letting go is one of the hardest things one can do. But understanding why you had to let go is harder.

You and Izuku knew each other for the longest time. Hell you were the one that lifted him back up when Bakugou knocked him down. So why…. Why after all that were you not good enough?

He never said you weren't, he'd never do that. But the worthlessness you felt as you watched her hand him a love letter. You thought, he won't accept, afterall she's one of the many girls and guys that had confessed since the beginning of U.A. Hell you were surprised Ochaco even had the guts to confess.

But the small blush and smile that overcame his face as he finished reading the letter, was one you've never seen before. In that moment you wished you'd decline coming with him for support.

The sick feeling in your stomach grew larger as they hugged each other tightly. That sickness translated into a smile when he looked back at you.

From then on, your sunny disposition was a fabrication of what once was. You didn't hate her, you even saw the appeal, having the slightest crush on her as well. You just hated that he chose her. Was the years of companionship worthless?

As the two grew closer, you grew farther and buried yourself in training and school work. Days went by, months, and by the time graduation came, you were all 3rd years.  You and Deku had become nothing more than aquaintences.

The others tried to stop your descent into isolation, Including you in everything they did, ut it wasn't the same.

"Hey Y/n." You wiped your sweat with the towel around your neck. You'd been at it for most of the day and had shed most of your clothes. Izuku was dressed casual for once and looked gorgeous in the setting sun.

"Yes Midoriya?" Ouch. When did you start calling him that? You couldn't quite remember. Deku looked over the trees, green hair blowing with fall wind. "You know we haven't hung out in a while." You took a drink of water as you sat on a fallen log. "Oh really?" 

That came out harsher than needed and you both knew it. "Since we are graduating tomorrow, I was wondering if you would join us for once as a last farewell. 

You didn't miss the undertone in the last comment. Deku watched in silence as you put your tank top back on. "I don't think I can make it."

Izuku's fists clenched as he glared at the floor. "Why?" You eyed his fists,"I have other things to do." Deku scoffed, "Give me a break, school is over what more do you have to do?!" "More important stuff than partying."

There was a change in the air and at the last minute, you jumped back as Deku's foot slammed down in the floor causing a sizable crater. "Stop lying Y/N! What could you possibly have to do that's more important than hanging out with your friends?! Don't you understand that this is the last time we'll have this much free time to see each other!?"

A small smirk crawled onto your face. 'Still a crybaby huh?'  tears trailed down Deku's face as he looked at you, "We haven't talked in years y/n." You would not break, this was for the best, you would not fall back into this cycle. "We talked this morning." "Hello is not a conversation y/n"

"What do you want me to do then Izuku?" 

Nothing, just like you expected. "Listen Deku, Sometimes, people grow apart and..." You have to take a deep breath, cause if you don't you'd break all over again. "Sometimes we just have to accept it." 

Izuku says nothing more and leaves, heartheavy. During the party,  Izuku spent his time with Uraraka, both day-dreaming about their future, though Izuku wasn't as engaged as he usually was. You sat alone in the common room, looking down at the feastivities below. Mr. Aizawa was the only one who noticed.

As a pro hero you stayed in a moderate range in regards to popularity. About the same level that Mt. Lady and Kamui Woods used to be. 

Watching Bakugou and Midoriya's ranking teeter back and forth like hot potato was amusing as the fiery blond would call you to complain since he knew you would simply listen.

Your love life was non-existent besides the occasional fling with a cute chick at a bar or a himbo™ at the local gym. You weren't looking for anything sold anyways and that was not only due to your hero work, but because no one peaks your interests.

The gang of course flocked together in regards to their love lives. Kaminari and Jiro were finally a thing. Momo and Todoroki were dropping hints to each other but they are both a bunch of oblivious bimbos and that is not going to change anytime soon. 

Tsu and surprisingly Mineta prefered the bachelor life and worked hard on building their teams. You were greatly surprised when Mineta asked you to come to his house and genuinely asked your opinion on trainees. 

Unlike the rest, Mina, Kirishima and Bakugou, were trying to figure out the ins and outs of a poly relationship. Bakgou of course being the word if reason as the other two goofed around.

 All was in its place as you all conformed to your new adult lives. You had no faint clue where the other boys were besides Kouji's and Satou's engagement.

It was a Thursday evening when you walked into your condo, shuffling through your mail until a white envelope with gold trimming for your attention. 

You are invited….

Of course how could you forget Deku and Uraraka. When was the last time you saw those two? Most likely the last day of school. How the hell did they get your address?

You tossed the envelope on the couch and walked to your kitchen to get a bottle of wine. You spent that evening drinking the petty thoughts away, altering between cursing Ochako, to reminiscing on how they were truly a match made in heaven.

By 4 in the evening, you were beyond tipsy and could barely stand to answer the door when the bell rung. 

"Whatdoya want Midoriya?" You said, leaning a little too far to the left. Deku looked at you with concerned eyes. "Are you drunk y/n?" Your roll your eyes and turn around, walking back into your home. "What does it look like?" 

You slump on the couch as Deku walks throughout your home. He was alot bigger  than you remembered. His curly green hair was almost touching your ceiling as he looked at your disheveled body.

"I'm just here to make sure you got my invitation." You tug the envelope from where it fell between the cushion and wavs it in front of your face. Izuku acknowledged it as he sat down, "Well are you coming?"

You shrugged your shoulders as you reach for your glass. Izuku tried to take it away and you smack his hand. Even though you could taste the unresolved tension, you wanted to make things a bit lighter. "I don't know deku, what's the theme? If it's green then I can't come, you know that clashes with my complexion."

He doesn't laugh, not even a smile. Oh well not your problem. The bottle is empty much to your disappointment as you held the opening over your mouth. Deku sits there, fists on his knees as he makes a conflicted face. "How many bottles have you drunk?"

You slap his back, slightly impressed that his solid form didn't move. "Oh calm down worry wort!" A lazy grin comes over your face and a teasing tone slips into your voice. "I'm not an alcoholic...mmm, yet."

You both sat in silence, Deku swirling in his own emotions for  seeing you this way. You looked completely fine on the surface but he knew you better. They all knew you better. Bakugou's weekly gossip visits were nothing more than a check on your personal health.  Even Mineta had to pitch in.

"Hey Deku?" You looked off into thin air as you spoke but Izuku hung off your every word. 

"Can you kiss me?"

Deku didn't mean to stand up the way he did. You didn't react, you expected it if anything. "Y/n, you know I can't do that. Why would you even ask!?" You rubbed your eyes to rid yourself of the smallest threat of tears. You weren't an emotional drunk and you weren't going to start being one now.

"Mm just thought that if you did, maybe I could get over this fuzzy feeling in ma'chest." Deku blushed, from what you. didn't know, but you did notice how he sat back next to you, closer than before. "If I do…..will you come?"

I was going to come either way idiot

"I'll think about it."

Your lidded eyes picked up on the smallest movements and you shivered as Izuku held your chin between his fingers. The kiss was gentle and nothing more than a simple press. You would have been fine with that, that's all you wanted. What you weren't expecting was for Deku to continue.

You could feel your chest flair with the familiar discomfort of things being out of your control. His rough hands came home to your face as he deepened the kiss. You couldn't help but let out a small whimper as his tongue swiped against your bottom lip and he took that chance to delve deeper.

No

You pushed him away and stood. You both looked at each other, darkened eyes and veins fluttering with adrenaline. "Why?" you whispered, voice betraying you as it cracked. Izuku held his fist over his heart where you pushed him. "I..I did what you asked." You shook your head.

No, no this is wrong

Izuku stands up and tries to console you. The words that left his lips unrecognizable.

It's over isn't it?

"Y/n calm down please and let's talk." You put your hands over your ears. "You're so selfish." You wheezed. Why was the room getting darker?

It's over isn't it?

Strong hands grip your arms and you scrape them off. "Get out."

You won and he chose you

As a last resort, Deku tries to kiss you again, holding you close back your lower back, even daring to nibble your lips as he pulls away. "Y/n can you please focus!?" Why was he making it worse? You are not a home wrecker!!

And he loves you so he's gone

Izuku helplessly watched you fall into your own thoughts as you gripped the wall so hard your knuckles turned white. 

It's over isn't it?

You blindly stumble into your room and close the door, falling against it.

Why can't I move on?

Izuku tested his forehead against the door, trying to listen for any sign of life, even a heart beat. On the other side you fall into a dreamless sleep.

War and Glory

It rained on their wedding day. And in the worst way possible or made the ceremony even more beautiful as light drops of water tangled itself in Uraraka's veil. 

The pictures were to die for and so was the food. "Y/n come on, take a picture with me!" You sip some champagne and prepare yourself for your sin  free facade as you walk over to the new bride.

Her dress was gorgeous yet modest, one would confuse this gathering for a party since you were forced to wear white  with her and Deku despite you explaining  how weddings worked.

You kneeled to adjust to her height as she held the camera the highest she could. "You want me to do it?"  You took the phone and held it above you. Ochaco pouted as you dwarfed her and gripped her small hands on the front of your clothes.

She smelt of strawberry's and soap. 

Reinvention

Before you could pull away, she tugged your down as she came to whisper in your ear. "I know." She pulled away with the same small smile she wore since the day began. Your face mirrored one of fright and she quickly noticed.

She raised her hands in surrender as she tried to calm you down. "Hey what's that face for, it's fin-" you flinched as she reached out to touch you. Backing up, you ran into Deku who quickly held onto you to prevent you from falling.

You do your best to calmly untangle yourself from him, but subsequently jumping away as if you were on fire. The newly weds shared a look and you shivered as they both narrowed their eyes at you. Focused the same way they were when on a mission.

Fusion

Walking through the crowd of fans and distant family was no hard feat as you headed to the hotel the wedding was taking place behind. The two followed you and you tried your damnedest not to simply run.

You had almost made it out conservation free but Deku's hand quickly slapped on the side of the door before you could close it and he forced his way in as a limping Ochaco followed behind. "Come on Y/N, these heels are uncomfortable!" 

You could feel tears falling down your face as you backed away from the two. It wasn't out of fear, but shame. Shame that you had feelings for your friend. Shame that you kissed a taken and engaged man. Shame that his  wife knew.

"Y/n calm down it's fine, I don't mind!" You looked at her with confusion and bristled as Deku came closer. "I told her the day after it happened." You focus on Ochaco, preparing yourself for any physical attacks the small woman might deem necessary. "I'm sorry Ochaco, I-I didn't mean for it t-to happen."

Anger at the memory filled your brain and you almost didn't notice small hands taking hold of yours.

Her attention

"It's okay Y/N." Ochaco smiled warmly at you, bringing your hands to her lips as she kissed them gently. "I don't mind, infact this was the goal for a long time." You look at Deku for some coherent conversation, "What is she talking about."

Izuku blushed, "We've been trying to get your attention since highschool. We knew how you felt and didn't mind you joining us like Kachan, Kiri, and Mina." A steely gaze with the power of Aizawa's death glare, casted over Izuku's face, "But you kept running."

Ochaco waved her hands to divert the sudden hostile energy. "Anyways, we were planning on announcing it at the flower toss." Ochaco reached into her bussom and pulled out a small jewelry case. Inside it held a silver ring, strikingly similar to the one she now wore on her left hand.

"I know we really haven't got to get to know each other that well. And I know your feelings don't lie for me but, if you would like…" Deku gingerly plucked the ring from Uraraka's hands and the both lowered to their knees. (Ochaco with more effort as the fluff of her dress almost tipped her over)

Oop looks like i went over the limit?