#i get so crazy about dean and sam's childhood

[lakemichigans]

i haven’t been following any news about the supernatural prequel but i’m not going to watch it because i know they’ll be sucking john’s cock, balls and all as if we didn’t get enough of that in the show already

[s4wdvator]

a friend of a friend — sam winchester

SUMMARY: Sam went to a Halloween party because of his best friend, and when he found himself bored and wanting to leave, his friend finally decided to introduce him a friend.

PAIRING: Stanford!Sam Winchester x fem!reader

WORDS COUNT: 2.2K

WARNINGS: smut, y/n used two times *i guess*, gentle sam, oral sex (f! receiving), p in v, kisses, sam playing breasts, sam embarrassed, sassy reader lmaojejejej

a/n: I literally think I nailed it this time HHEHEJE, I literally loved writing this. I love Stanford! Sam. I think I should write something with him lol. Have a good read!!

sam winchester | masterlist | more abt me!

English is not my first language, I apologize if there is any mistake <3 (maybe I interchange 'he' and 'she' too much. I'm so sorry)

This fic will have sexual content. MDNI

Sam was not a party guy, especially those of Halloween - which reminded him of his reality- He didn't have many friends in his childhood or adolescence, he never managed to stay long enough in a school to have real friends or even a girl. But then when he managed to cut ties with his father and won a scholarship at Stanford University, he felt free for the first time.

In just a few days at the University, a blonde girl named Jessica soon befriended Sam, and with this new friendship with Jess, he became invited to events, outings and parties of Jessica's most popular friends.

Now, Sam is stuck at a Halloween party in some dorm. He has a plastic cup with any drink he found and drank, he was really already under the influence of alcohol but not necessarily drunk. He looked around the old couch he was sitting on, where just staring at the place he was in, made him sigh, because all he wanted was to be in his dorm, quiet and just studying, nothing very difficult to have, if Jessica hadn't begged.

It had been almost half an hour since he was there, doing nothing, just trying to finish the drink from his glass. When he really couldn't finish, he just left it next to a fainted guy on the couch. He got up, looking for Jessica, just to say goodbye to his friend, he was determined to leave there. As he walked, he murmured several "I'm sorry" to the lowest people he ended up bumping into. When he finally found Jess, she was in the kitchen talking to some girl who was with her back to him, where he just saw the back costume, which was from Alice in Wonderland.

"Sam!" Jess said excitedly as she faced her friend.

"Hey..." Sam said in a simple and slightly embarrassed way for being close to a presence he doesn't know.

"I'm glad you're here," Jessica said, throwing the typical mischievous look and smiling, "Well, this one is y/n!" The blonde said smiling and excited, she was definitely drunk.

Jess had definitely already talked about this friend of hers, y/n, like, Jessica had been trying to get this girl for him for almost a month.

"Well, I'll let you talk. I'm going to go after a refill," Jess said getting up and smiling at the two friends and soon leaving the kitchen.

"Hey...I'm Sam. Jess she had already said...a lot about you" He said putting his hands on the back of his neck and scratching, in a shame.

You can't help but smile, he was definitely cute and clearly under this outfit—that you couldn't identify what his fantasy was—he had a muscular chest and trunk, maybe nothing really exaggerated. It was crazy how, you hadn't even spoken to him properly and you already imagined him shirtless.

"Well... Hi Sam" You said excitedly, while smiling. You didn't know if it was already alcohol taking over your mind or you were just really happy.

You and Sam were talking for long minutes, you found out that his major here at Stanford was right, he is 21 years old, he has one more brother, Dean, 25 years old, his mother died in a kind of fire or something, and he and his father fought. His life was chaos, definitely. But apparently he loved you and loved the fact that you were studying psychology here at Stanford, since he didn't say a word to talk about. Everything he said, he found a way to return to the subject due to the fact that you are a future psychologist. He also praised you too much, this guy is a real gentleman.

With a few more minutes of conversation, the party started to get music and more colorful led's which caused you to no longer be able to talk so clearly when listening to each other.

"Do you want to go to my dorm?" You finally had the courage to ask him, of course, with a slight hesitation and fear of what the answer would be and if it would be some kind of rejection.

"Of course" He smiled more sympathetically at you.

When you had already gone to your dorm, you started talking to him normally, and clearly he listened to you attentively but couldn't stop paying attention to your lips, how they moved, how you sometimes licked him or bit him like a kind of craze of yours, or how your sweet voice came out of your throat.

"Do you want to sit down?" You asked him, pointing to his bed, while you took off your black high-heeled boot and sat on your bed.

"Yeah...I mean, of course," he said more embarrassedly, causing slight laughter coming from you and soon he sat next to her, but he didn't expect to be so close to the points of her thighs that were involved in her black trawler, touching his long legs.

"So, what kind of music do you like? I mean, it's 2004, you have to have something good about music" You joked while looking into his eyes, which you thought were brown but in fact, surprisingly, they were green.

"Well... I hear these classic things more. Metallic, Led Zeppelin, AC/DC..." He began to say, and that made you make a surprise face and face him.

"Really? No Usher? Justin Timberlake? I don't know" She laughed, clearly surprised that he just listened to classic rock.

"Whet? No, I mean, don't get me wrong, they're great. But I grew up listening to this kind of music and...well, doing things with my father and I didn't have much time to get to know pop culture, jazz and etc.," he said smiling, while staring at you in an enchanted way.

"Get it. But it's okay, I'll show you" You smiled staring at him, and he let out a loose laugh.

"You're funny" He smiled and stared at you for a few seconds, analyzing her blurred Alice's makeup. The way your hair was more or less messy. The way his lips called him and seemed more kissable than before. And before he could really think about what to say to her, he kissed her, not knowing if he would receive a slap in the face, a push or a curse coming from him. Surprisingly, you responded to the kiss more in the mood than him, while his hands went to his face, theirs were already holding his waist firmly, which seemed nothing compared to his big hands.

He carefully guided you to his lap, while the kiss was getting longer and longer, you could feel his hands touching every inch of you, now, with the kiss slightly intensifying, his hands were now caressing his thighs, sometimes some of his fingers entering inside the holes of her black line trawler, which honestly, for him is quite sexy.

His hands traveled to the buttons of the dress, which were located on his back, while he worked on unbuttoning his blue and white Alice dress. His hands were taking off his dark blue denim jacket.

She let out a slight moan when his hands slid to her thighs and then entered inside her dress, and when she touched her waist to be able to take off her dress. And once your dress came out of your body, and you were only in your bra and panties. He let out a sigh, admiring, before holding you firmly by the hips and kissing your neck next to the collarbone and he stared down, seeing the contour of your breasts and let out a sigh and smiled, you are beautiful from his point of view.

He carefully took you and left it underneath, he kept kissing your body and carefully, their hands went to the back of your bra and unbuttoned the buttons of the bra. When the bra got loose on his shoulders, he took it off and stared at his breasts—which seemed too perfect from his point of view—and then, he began to kiss his left breast while his big hands circled the shape of his right breast, he sucked his nipple and you let out a slight moan and put your hands on his hair, when he finished the service and attention to his breasts, he began to kiss his stomach until he reached his panties, he stared at you, as if he had asked for a kind of permission and you just nodded your head, already desperate for the The idea of his touch in your intimate area.

He carefully left a kiss against his panties and hit his clitoris right—which was already swollen with so much desire, along with how soaked you were—he put his hands on the straps of his panties and pulled down and smiled when he saw your naked pussy, just for him.

He sighed against his intimacy, causing a slight pleasure in his body.

Sam gently opened your legs better and then began to kiss his thighs, slow and wet kisses, until he reached his pussy. He started with kisses on the clitoris before moving forward and using his tongue two more times and then starting to work more with his tongue at his entrance, but his pointed and beautiful nose kept pressing his clitoris with each advance with his tongue at his entrance. Causing moans in the dorm.

While he did it slowly, trying to make it last as long as possible. His hands were on his hair, pulling, picking up, caressing, while his hips arched against his mouth.

When he started to accelerate more with his tongue, you moaned feeling that maybe you couldn't take that much.

"Sam..." You tried to warn that it wouldn't last that long.

He smiled, understanding the message of despair in his speech and accelerated more, when you saw it, you had come into his mouth, and he was eating his pussy for a few more 30 minutes and finally, took off his shirt and concentrated on his lips, while his hands caressed his chest—which was exactly as you imagined, muscular but hot and not at all exaggerated—his hands began to unbutton his pants and then take off and soon get into boxers.

You pulled him closer, and felt how big he really was, you couldn't tell if it scared you or excited you, maybe both.

So, he got rid of his boxers, and you were seeing his cock for the first time, it was thick, big and it was very hard, which made you unintentionally but genuinely smile.

You tried to touch, giving the intention that you also wanted to do oral, but he denied it, saying:

"I'm a gentleman. What kind of guy would I be having a blowjob on the first night with you? Sorry princess, next time" He smiled at you, making you laugh that he was such a gentleman.

"Fine" You smiled.

Then, the head of his cock pressed against his clitoris and rubbed lightly.

"Sam..." You let out a weak moan for the provocation coming from him.

He laughed, murmuring a 'sorry' before his cock rubbed his pussy and then the head of his cock began to enter his entrance.

'Oh my God' you thought.

So, he tried to advance another part of his big father and then his hands squeezing his broad shoulders while he looked at you with concern.

"M'Okay...it's just bigger than I expected" She laughed and so did he and sighed relieved.

When he began to move slowly and carefully, the entire length of his penis entered you and you could no longer hold the moans. He was being so careful, and loving with you that he surprised you.

While he stocked up strong but gently, despite reaching the cervix of her uterus, it is being one of the most pleasurable experiences of his life. His hands held his hips, to get more momentum. His others were now on his back, scratching, but nothing to the point of hurting him on purpose.

You smiled when you were getting closer and closer to reaching your climax. So, as if it were a way to try to get there faster, his hands that were on his back went to his ass, trying to force him to go deeper and he laughed.

"Calm down sassy girl" He whispered and smiled at her.

You let out a laugh, before you felt the climax approaching and he smiled when her walls began to squeeze his cock, understanding that she was very close.

"You can let go, babe" She whispered in her ear and kissed her jaw. The nickname caused chills all over your body and without thinking, you came surprisingly next to him. You let out a moan and sighed.

"God..." You whispered and he laid his face on your neck, still with his cock inside you "You better not have made me pregnant" she whispered jokingly, and he laughed, realizing that they had had had unprotected sex, which would be worrying, if you did not take care of yourself and were taking contraceptives.

"It's okay, I hope" he smiled and kissed you again, before taking his penis out of you and lying next to you and hugging you and you hugging him back as you felt him cover him and you with the blanket of your bed. And so, you ended up sleeping, feeling Sam caress your hair.

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

Supernatural reboot where Sam does not believe in the supernatural when the series starts. Yes the original pitch concept is just soo juicy when you think about it a little too much like I do. This is slightly tweaked.

Sam escapes his family to go to college not because he wants out of the life of the monster-killing business. He escapes them because he thinks they're utterly crazy and there’s no monster-killing business because there are no monsters.

Growing up, John brings Dean along on hunts and leaves Sam sheltered to keep him safe (and keep him away from possible corrupting supernatural influences...) so Sam never really gets to know the monstrous John and Dean go after. If he has glimpses of it growing up, he's ready to dismiss those as deceptions of the brain of an impressionable kid, as tricks of anxiety, of exhaustion, of stress. Maybe even as John and Dean’s craziness rubbing off him, something that scares him, pushing him even more to distance himself from them.

He really does not want to end up like Dean, who has soaked up John’s delusions entirely. He wants to stay sane. He’s worried that the psychosis might be genetic, a weight that’s always in some corner of his mind. He hopes it’s not, and in the meanwhile his best bet is to get away, to live a normal life, to surround himself with normal people.

It works. He goes to college, he lives the most regular of lives imaginable. He has friends and a girlfriend and has good grades and a positive outlook on his future. He never really speaks about his family. His friends can draw some guesses from his vague information—that his mother died when he was very little, too little to remember anything about her; that his father is not exactly winning any parenting awards; that he has a brother who is basically a copy of their father. They can guess that his childhood was not good, but they don’t pester him for details. They know it’s not something Sam wants to talk about. But it’s reasonable. Lots of people have bad childhoods.

Dean doesn’t show up in the middle of the night. He shows up on campus, he joins Sam and his friends for lunch. It’s tense. Sam’s friends’s idea of Dean is not exactly flattering – and it doesn’t help that Dean looks as different as your average nice Stanford student as you can imagine. Leather, tattoos, weird jewelry and creepy amulets. They hope that the thing that dangles from of his earrings and that looks alarmingly like a mouse skull is not authentic. It’s also obvious that the last time the two brothers saw each other didn’t exactly end well.

Dean asks Sam to join him in his search for their missing father. Sam obviously refuses, unwilling to get dragged into his family’s paranoias and delusions. But Dean insists. There’s no girlfriend burning on the ceiling in this version. Sam really does not want to go, his friends and girlfriend obviously back him up. But cracks start appearing into Sam’s opposition to Dean’s request. Deep down, he loves his brother. He starts thinking that maybe, if he goes with him, he can help Dean. There’s a chance Dean might rub his craziness off Sam, but also a chance Sam might rub his sanity off Dean. His friends think he’s out of his mind, he has a big fight with his girlfriend about it, but eventually he decides to give Dean a chance. Only for a little while. Just a toe in the water. Just testing the waters. No getting involved in anything crazy, just making sure Dean doesn’t do anything dangerous.

But then he starts suspecting that Dean has something to do with John’s disappearance. That something isn’t quite right. He starts feeling uneasy. He starts getting scared that his fears are coming true, but also chastises himself for being irrational and swayed by foolish concoctions of the illogical side of his mind.

It definitely doesn’t help that weird things happen around them. He rationalizes them every time, but he’s increasingly unsettled.

He’s torn between trusting his feelings and dismissing them as emotional nonsense. He’s torn between wanting to stay away from Dean for his own sake and sticking with him for Dean’s sake.

It’s only at the end of the first season that Sam is faced by the irrefutable proof that it was all real. And it’s a terrifying journey with a terrifying conclusion – but once Sam is in, something shifts. Because Dean is no longer the crazy brother. Because John’s behavior was never a mental illness rooted in his DNA. Sam sheds a weight, after all. And his relationship with his brother can be built all over again – from scratch, which is anything but easy, but on the solid grounds of a shared experience.

[according2thelore]

Holy heck I found the mommy dean tag in your blog and immediately devoured everything under it 😭😭😭

Yall, I've been screaming mommy!Dean to the void ever since I got back into Supernatural, but my friends won't listen to meeeeee.

Dean does NOT slack off mommying! He did such a good job!!! Look at that 6'4 moose???!!!

Dean: *looks at 15yr 6 foot gangly Sam* Damn?! How'd the hell did you get so tall??? Who fed you??

Sam: "You?????"

My personal headcanons are

- That Dean totally has a stash of recipes that he made/collected over a period of time from cooking for Sam [like the exotic Mac & Cheese]

- That Dean had personally setup some sort of make shift bassinet in the impala just so that Sammy more comfortable

[lol ignore the glaring warning for vehicular safety (haha But would John care? Let's be real)]

The last head canon is from my actual childhood where (according to my grandmother) my older sisters tried to make the 7hr drive more comfortable for toddler me when we were running away from a bad home situation.

Urghhhh sorry for the rant, parentification of fictional older siblings are my absolute faves!!!!

hi, anon!!!

we ARE mommy friendly on this here blog--your friends don't see the vision, but we do, anon 🤝

Dean: *looks at 15yr 6 foot gangly Sam* Damn?! How'd the hell did you get so tall??? Who fed you??

Sam: "You?????"

AHAHAHAHA anon that sent me through the ceiling! and AGH! i totally love those headcanons! the bassinet 🥺🥺 that's so sweet that your sisters did that for you--what a beautiful thing!

i can 800% see dean making one! as long as it got sam to sleep and kept dean occupied (leaning over the bassinet every few minutes to make sure sam was still breathing okay), john would be fine with it, lol!

and you're totally right about the recipes--they start with his crazy, scraggly writing from when he was five (mic 2, 30 sekets, most of the letters are backward) and get more mature as he gets older, and the recipes get more complicated. they're on motel pads of paper and napkins and the backs of sun-faded receipts.

one of my personal headcanons is that the one school year sam did soccer (if you remember dean's nostalgic joy about it ("one of the only times you were allowed to be a real boy")), dean attended all of his practices. at first, it was so he could keep an eye on him, because he wasn't used to leaving him alone--and they were in town for a hunt, after all--then he told sam it was so he could hit on all the other soccer moms.

but they talked about local gossip ("did you hear about monica's husband? died on a hunting trip!") and kid-rearing tips ("we use gatorade when jeremy's sick because of the electrolytes" "vaporub will save you, but you can make some of your own using XYZ" "wait, you put WHAT in mac and cheese") and dean still uses the safety-pin-in-the-seam trick they taught him when he has to do a quick repair on his jacket.

you could always find a line of moms on the bleachers with their dye jobs and underlined eyes, and a fifteen year old dean, tobacco stained fingers and four layers of shirts.

dean cheers when sam makes a goal even in practice, and sam gets upset if dean is distracted and misses one. the moms all call him "dean's sam" and sam fuzzes warm and happy when dean leads him away with an arm across his shoulders because yes!! in fact, he is!!

no apologies AT ALL!!! i completely agree--parentification (esp dean's parentification) makes me bite straight through cardboard, lol!

PLEASE rant with me about mommy dean anytime you like!!!! i LIVE for it!!!

-lizzy

[nexilu]

Okay, so I’m currently reading the script for the pilot of the first version of what Supernatural could have been and wtf is that ??

Okay, so meet Sam Harrison. After the death of his mother when he was 9 and then his dad going missing, he grew up in L.A. being raised by his uncle Tommy and his aunt Cherryl who are both very caring and supportive being the most perfect parents ever. He had a stable home, a not so bad childhood, he is the smarter in his school, got a best friend, a girlfriend (btw in this version I find Jessica very annoying) and STILL he gets to act all emo and complain about his life not being as perfect as people think it is bcz his mom randomly died in a car accident or something and he is livid at his dad for living him and Dean behind when the man was having a really hard time to cope with his wife death and people were just screaming at him and so bcz of that Sam thinks that his life is dark or something and like BRO. Go ask Sam Winchester what’s it’s like to grew up without a home, friends or family, with just having an absent father without loving uncle and aunt to take care of you, to not being supported by your family and you’re gonna ask yourself if you’re life is still as awful as you think it is, because I don’t think so.

So, no one got any news of Dean since 2 yrs and somehow people are just being angry at him instead of worrying ?? Then Sam is being all grumpy bcz his brother that didn’t show any sign of life in the past 2 yrs didn’t randomly show up at his graduation. But then, when he actually gets to show up, (Dean got the same entry as a vilain it was so funny lmao 💀) Sam is being mad at Dean for being here and he wants him to leave ??

Dean actually feels bad for missing Sam graduation and not being here for 2 yrs, but when he tries to apologize Sam swears to him that he is not mad at him when literally 2 hours ago he pouted at him for that exact reason.

Then Dean kidnaps Sam.

Sam thinks that Dean is crazy just like their dad used to be, that he killed their dad and that now he wants to kill him and Dean is just like wtf no ?? I would never hurt you or dad, ever.

And Sam is like, yeah…I’m not very sure about that…

And Dean used to be a bully when he was younger 💀, aunt Cherryl and uncle whatever-his-name-is totally favorised Sam over Dean (you can’t convince me otherwise), Jessica always asks to be the center of attention and she didn’t reject Dean when he flirted with her in front of Sam.

Also I feel like they just switched the roles of Sam and Dean with Dean being the most emotional one who tries to talk and Sam being the one keeping his emotions in the inside and refuse to communicate. In the childhood flashback we can see 13 y/o Dean openly being scared and crying and 9 y/o Sam not showing any emotions.

If I had to resume this, I would say that it’s an even worst version of the universe of 2x20.

[scoobydoodean]

the way bronlies are so obsessed that they’ve just become sam in the way they don’t like/won’t allow dean to have other friends 😭

it’s crazy to me, especially for a question whose different answers are both true to an extent bc your definition of “knowing somebody” is totally subjective!

lol that said, i am curious, soo… who do you think knows dean best, sam or cas? somebody else? do you think it changes over the seasons?

One of my friends was just saying that about bronlies and Sam sjhbfhsdhjf. Truly tho they're more insufferable than Sam's ever been. Bronlies are every spoiled child antagonist in every children's book. The Veruca Salt's of fandom. Miserable little cry baby brats screaming throwing tantrums trying to hit everyone with their baby rattlers... over Supernatural (2005) POLLS.

Their indignantion at that poll is pretty hilarious, because Sam doesn't start out the series actually knowing who Dean is at all. He thinks he knows who Dean is, but he doesn't, and this is illustrated to us over a dozen times in season 1. I do think Sam grows to understand who Dean is better over time, but he still sucks at understanding Dean for the vast majority of the series, because in many ways, he doesn't actually care to stop and think and study who Dean is and ask himself whether he actually knows him. He prefers an image he's made up in his head of who Dean is instead—an image that comforts him or bolsters his own self-image in some way. Dean is smart when Sam wants him to be smart and stupid when Sam needs to feel smarter (1.10, 1.16, 4.12, 8.14). Dean is strong when Sam wants him to be strong and weak when Sam needs to feel like the strongest person around (4.10, 4.11, 4.14, 4.16, 4.20, 4.21). Dean isn't opening up enough (2.02, 2.03, 2.04), then Dean is too emotional and soft and needs to get over it (2.10, 2.11, 2.14, 4.14, 4.16). Dean is a protector and nurturer who is failing to nurture and/or protect Sam adequately (3.09, 4.04, 8.23), then Dean is smothering (5.07, 8.20).

Basically, because Sam spends so much time trying to force Dean to fit into the shape he wants Dean to fit into, instead of actually trying to understand who Dean is, he often (unknowingly in some cases) completely lacks insight into who Dean actually is, and I'd say while he gets better at recognizing this, and better at understanding who Dean really is over time, surrounding certain subjects (especially things like grief), this refusal to see the actual real Dean continues through the entire run of the show (ex: 13.04).

I guess the question is then... is Cas actually better at understanding Dean than Sam is? And for me? Honestly I think it's a wash. I don't actually think either of them is Mr Amazing Perfect Dean Understander to be quite honest with you. I mean—practically Dean and Cas's entire schtick is perpetual misunderstandings bolstered by their own insecurities? They understand the important parts like that they each have good intentions and are good hearted, but I don't think Cas ever really understood how their repeated cycle of conflict made Dean feel. I don't think he ever understood how deeply entwined Dean's well-being became with his own, to the point that Dean was Not Fucking Okay when Cas was dead. I think Cas had a leg up in getting genuine insights into Dean's feelings straight from Dean for a long time because of the childhood dynamics and previous events that have made using Sam as a confidant uncomfortable and/or unsafe for Dean (2.03, 2.11, 4.14, 4.21, 5.01, 5.02, 5.03). I think Cas also understands Dean’s feelings more than he lets on and often acts on his perceptions of Dean's feelings without communicating those perecptions to anyone (and sometimes he's right... but sometimes he's also very VERY wrong).

We get a sort of back and forth with Sam and Cas understanding or not understanding different aspects of Dean's feelings or behavior. Think about "Nihilism" for example, when Sam and Cas walk through the darkness of Dean's mind, and Cas is shocked by the amount of trauma in Dean's mind and Sam just says, "Well. Yeah." But then compare that with 10.03 "Soul Survivor" where Cas was able to explain to Sam why demon Dean didn't want to be cured no matter how much blood they gave him. Sam didn't understand, but Cas understood Dean's perspective immediately (and that entire episode was a scathing commentary on Sam's lack of insight into Dean tbqh).

All of that said, I think I did vote in that poll and I picked Cas, and I would do it again. :) In fact, I will vote against Sam in any moment of uncertainty in any poll I see going forward, because bronlies are pathetic cry baby brats victimizing themselves 24/7 over Tumblr polls and can get fucked.

[rewatching-sam-and-dean]

So, a post with a series of great reblogs came across my feed today -- here — regarding two concepts that are often discussed in fandom: Daddy Dean and Spoiled Sam (in a non-kinky way).

It's funny that this post came across my feed today because l've been thinking about Sam and Dean's childhoods a lot lately and how their different experiences, or perspectives, have shape who they are and how they express their emotions as adults. To start, I wanted to comment on these specific ideas that seem to pop up in fandom so often: Selfless Parent Dean and Selfish Spoiled Sam.

This one got long (shocking, I know), so if you’re interested, please do read on under the cut.

Dean: The Selfness Parent?

Do I think Dean was given too much responsibility, at a way too young age? Yes. Do I think Dean, even as a child, would have died to protect Sam? Yes. Do I think Dean's protectiveness over and love for Sam are two of his best qualities? Yes. Do I think Dean's influence contributed to the man Sam became? Yes. Do I think Dean did both some pretty general level (Lucky Charms, anyone?) and extraordinary sacrifices (giving up a chance to start over at the boy's home because he saw Sam in the car) for Sam? I do. Do I think this makes Dean the one who raised Sam, entirely on his own, acting as both a mother and a father to Sam? Kind of … there was also this other guy around who they called Dad (however absent he might have been, he still was a fixture in their lives). Do I think Dean could also have a quick temper (“Don’t you ever talk about mom, ever!”, be insensitive, and even neglectful (Sam developing Clown fears at Plucky's) at times. Yes. Do I think Dean could also be irresponsible (losing food money on gambling)? Yep. Do I think this makes Dean a bad person, or even a bad brother? No. He was just a kid himself.

So, this is where I balk at the reading of Dean as Sam's "real", selfless, supportive father, or mother stand in. Even at the time of Season 1 and 2, which were peak seasons for supportive and empathetic Dean, for me, he can still be a dick. Children and teenagers who grew up to be amazing people can even start out as jerks. So, I don’t understand where this idea of a perfect father-figure Dean comes in, especially when he wasn’t even a perfect father figure to Ben as an adult (snapping at him, pushing him and smacking him in times of peak danger). He was Sam’s protector, absolutely, but not this super-human provider of protection, and giver of affection and cuddles, that some fans insist on seeing him as. Dean, despite his heroism, bravery and love for Sam, is still a flawed character. And that’s okay. He was a brave and protective kid in a difficult situation, but he wasn’t perfect. When we woobify Dean, we miss out on the complete character and who he actually is, good and bad.

Sam: The Spoiled Selfish Brat?

Do I think that Sam almost come off as a little bit callous regarding his family when we first meet him? Yes. When the show begins, do I think Sam is maybe a bit arogant and ignorant to some of the things Dean did for him growing up? Yes. But, do I totally blame him for the latter? No, because he wasn’t told much by Dean or John, and he was a child when a lot of things happened. Does the fact that Dean started hunting at a younger age, and didn’t tell Sam about it at first, make Sam sheltered? Yes and no. I would argue that he’s been more sheltered than Dean regarding hunting, but he also begins hunting when he’s pretty little. In "just my Imagination" we see that Sam gets permission to joint John and Dean on his first hunt (by taking a bus alone, no less) when he’s 9. Even if Sam was more often the research guy than the actively hunting guy, he was still exposed to a lot of crazy crap and lived in near constant fear for himself, his brother and his dad. The fact that Dean started hunting before Sam also suggests that Sam spent more time fully alone than Dean did, not to mention, a lot of the time, Dean liked hunting and thought it was cool, and he did it with his dad who he idolized. So, while Sam was physically safer, more removed from the action, he also didn’t get the perceived "perks" (it feels weird to call them that) that Dean had, or to be with his family as often. So, do I think Sam is selfish for leaving a dangerous situation, where he was often lonely, to go away to school? Um, no. Do I blame Sam for feeling differently about family than Dean when he was also often the odd man out? Nope. We know that when there was family turmoil, Dean usually sided with John or at least appeared to (Dean himself says this a couple times). Finally, do I think Sam is spoiled or selfish for leaving his family at 18 (like many young adults do around the world) to get an education, on a full-ride scholarship that he somehow earned despite their crazy lifestyle, and escape a literally life-threatening mission and turbulent home life. Yeah, no. Do I feel bad for Dean who desperately wants his family to stay together? Absolutely, I sympathize more with him than Sam at first in the show. However, I think a lot of the things people hate on Sam for are actually pretty understandable or justified in the early seasons. So, it’s just as damaging to vilify Sam as it is to woobify Dean because we miss so much important detail about the characters. The same is true of the reverse, woobifying Sam and vilifying Dean, but I just don’t see that as often in this fandom.

The Winchester Family Experience: Dean vs Sam's Perspectives

So, another thing that I think gets ignored a lot is just how different Sam and Dean's early, early years are. Dean had almost five years of "normal" family life (Dean being born in January and Mary being killed in November of his forth year around the sun). That’s a tragically short amount of time with his family being whole, but Dean did know safety, comfort, love and affection in his earliest years, and those things leave impressions. In the opening scene of the pilot, we see an adorable little Dean kissing his baby brother goodnight, and getting affection from both parents, and even a hug from a comparatively soft John. In Contrast, what were Sam's earliest years like? From the time that Sam would be old enough to remember, all he knew was that he had no mom, but wasn’t allowed to talk about her. He had an older brother that he looked up to and who watched over him, but who was keeping secrets from him. And he had a grief and revenge fueled father who barked orders, was gone a lot of the time and who seemingly only ever hugged him in fearful relief as a child (from what we see as an audience), not in casual affection. Sam had no foundation of safety, or comfort. So, is it any wonder that he can’t see family, or their family, in the same way Dean does? The fact that Dean had that time to bond with John, and got to experience some softness does matter because, even though he had more responsibility thrust on his shoulders than Sam, he also had an earned connection with his dad, and at least some warm memories to fall back on.

Saying "I Love You"

I think it’s interesting how their different early childhood experiences, potentially as well as their temperaments, not only shaped who they are as people, but their ability to express emotions. In this case, I’m going to focus in on verbally expressing love in particular because this post Is getting very long.

Dean says "I love you" to a heaven Memory!Mary in "Dark Side of the Moon." He also tells a Mary inside her own head that he loves and hates her. He says, "I love you for trying," when Sam is begging him not to lock himself up in a metal box at the bottom of the ocean with Micheal locked up in his head. He says, "I love you, too" to John when he’s about to disappear in "Lebanon." And finally, he says "I love you … so much" to Sam in "Carry On." Dean's 'I love yous" are few and far between, but he can say it, and he only says it to his I’m immediate family. (Unless I’m missing someone.). It’s not like I think people have to say it all the time, and those words can be hard to say for a lot of people (myself included), but he CAN say them directly to the people he loves.

Sam says "I love you" to a Hellucination!Jess and to his mom's grave stone. Also, I believe he says it to Mary on the phone once? He says, "You’re my brother, and I still love ya" to Dean in "Sam, Interrupted." Can we count it if he’s tripping balls on medication and he says "ya" instead of "you"? Well, I’m going to. He also tells Dean, "We all love you," which I half-count because he lumped other people into his declaration. Sam does tell a young John that he loves his dad ("The Song Remains the Same”), but John doesn’t know he’s talking about him at the time, so it’s not entirely a direct declaration. And, I think, that’s it. So, does the fact that Sam says it less directly to his immediate family mean he doesn't love them? No, obviously. But, I think it’s interesting that the brother who had no memory of "happy family" (I know things weren't actually perfect with John and Mary) is the one who seems to have a harder time saying "I love you" directly, and with his full chest, to family. This sort of tells me that a) Sam, by nature has a harder time expressing deep emotion or b) Sam didn’t hear it much, or ever even, as a little kid, so it’s hard for him to say the words, especially directly.

So, why did I go down the "I love you" rabbit hole? Well, I think it has some merit in the whole Dean is Selfness and was a martyr vs Sam was selfish and spoiled debate. It also shows how close both brothers keep the verbal expression of that feeling to themselves. Obviously, both brothers are bigger on show than tell in terms of expressing love. Selling your soul or potentially dooming the world for each other tends to get the message across.

In short, both brothers are selfless and selfish at times, and both are flawed but heroic. If we stan one brother so hard that we refuse to see their faults while constantly vilifying the other, we miss all the nuance in the story. It’s really a disservice to ourselves to woobify characters, not in the harmless, "Sam/Dean Winchester has never done anything wrong in his life. End post" kind of way, but in the "This charter is perfect and only did good things, and never hurt anyone who didn’t deserve it, and … and … and" kind of way.

Anyway, if anyone made it this far, thank you for coming along with me on my bumpy rambling road of thought on this. If I missed any "I love yous" from Sam or Dean, or if you’d like to chime in on the topic, I’d love to hear it.

[crushculture03]

Valley Girl and Sammy

Masterlist

"Bobby Singer? How did i not pick up on this sooner, you said your last name was singer, but I must've not heard you fully" he said.

"Sam, why do you know my father?" she asks, the realization not yet hitting her. "Because Val, my father and your father were best friends" he says, "Wait what's your last name again?'

"Winchester"

And just like the wall that blocked all her memories from childhood and her teenage years, came crumbling down, "Wait your father was John, yes?" she clarifies, Sam nods 'yes'. "Oh my god it's really you, you're my Sammy '' she says, her heart beating faster as a few memories from that fateful summer flash in her mind.

"And you're my Valley girl" he whispers, smiling at the funny nicknames they made for eachother. "How did I not realize it sooner?" she says, "Well to be fair I look different, and if you're like me you blocked all those teenage years because of the trauma we've been through" sam says, "Yeah that's-that's exactly it" she agrees, "Oh my God Sam its you its really you" she smiles and hugs the tall boy, "Happy to be at your service again Valley girl" he whispers.

"Hate to break off the love fest but I need to talk to you Sammy" A deep voice says, the two pull apart and look to find the source of the voice.

"Dean? What are you doing here?" Sam asks, confused on why his older brother was standing in front of him. "Well that's not a very nice welcome now is it Sam? '' he jokes as he walks up to his baby brother and hugs him. "Oh and if it isn't little Val Singer, what are you doing here with him" Dean teases. "You remember me?" she asks, shocked "Of course I do, how could I forget the girl my brother wouldn't shut up about for years" he says, causing Sam to blush.

"Well it's because Sam and I didn't even remember each other till a few seconds ago, guess we blocked out so much that it got lost" she says. "Well that's a shock because that summer was crazy for you two, but back to what I came here for" Dean says and looks at his brother.

Both Sam and Valerie hope they can find out what exactly Dean means by saying "that summer was crazy for you guys".

"Sam dads on a hunting trip and hasn't been back in a few days'', Sam's face drops at the news. "I need your help finding him" the older Winchester asks, "And I guess since your Father knows my father better than anyone, that you can come too pretty girl" dean says and winks a Val, causing her to shift uncomfortably and stand behind Sam.

"Dean I left that life for a reason I'm not going back" Sam says, "Come on Sam he's our father", Sam scoffs "More like he was our drill sergeant , he told me to never come back when I told him I got into Stanford". "Ah come on you know he didn't mean that" Dean says, "Dean, No I have a life here ok? I don't need yours and dads troubles dragging me back in" he snaps and sighs.

"Sam" she whispers, he turns to her and his face instantly softens. "Maybe you should go, I mean don't get me wrong I hate your father as much as you do, at least from what I can remember, but I know if you don't go you'll regret it" she tries to reason with him. "I-I don't know Val" he whispers, she grabs his hand to reassure him, "I'll go with you if you want?" she suggested. "I can't ask you to do that" he says, "Sam look I want to remember everything that happened between us, I just got you back i'm not losing you again, plus I've been meaning to see my father so it's a win-win, we can go to my dads and he can help us" she says, looking at Sam before glancing at Dean. "Fine, but once we find him we come back ok?" he insists, "Ok" she smiles.

"Wonderful now if you guys could stop flirting and start packing that'd be great" Dean interjects. "Shut it Dean" she snaps, causing Sam to chuckle softly , "There's the Singer charm, now hurry up we got a case to solve princess" he teases, she flips him off before her and Sam walk into the complex and go to their respective apartments to pack everything they would need.

After a few minutes the two re-emerge, "Wow took you guys long enough" Dean groans, "Oh shush or the car gets it Dean-o" she teases, from what she can remember Dean absolutely loved this car. "Nobody touches my baby!" he snaps, his face completely serious as he gets into the driver's seat and slams the door shut. "Ignore him, he has a weird thing for the car, '' Sam says as he places his bags and Val's bags in the trunk. "It's fun to mess with him" she chuckles, "Keep doing it, it's fun to watch, plus he knows if he does anything to you Bobby will kill him" Sam says, she chuckles "You're right on that one.

"This is definitely a weird time to say this but even out of that costume you still look like an angel" Sam remarks, causing Val to blush, while she and Sam were packing they had both changed into more comfortable clothes, compared to their cheesy halloween costumes. "Thanks Sam, you look nice too" she smiles, before walking to get into the back seat of the Impala.

Sam quickly closes the trunk and makes his way to the front seat, "Buckle up Buttercups because it's going to be a long ride, and here's what I have so far on dads disappearance, it's not much so I thought we'd take a pit stop and visit our old pal, and Princess's father, in South Dakota'' Dean says, a classic smirk painting his face. "Call me that one more time and I'll put Nair in your hair gel" she says, causing Dean's grin to drop and Sam to laugh slightly. "Shut up" he mumbles before starting the car and peeling out of the parking lot. And just like that the trio was on their way to Sioux Falls South Dakota.

[sacrificialsam]

dean pain is so annoying like yes dean has feelings but not everything is about him guys.

i hate it in the show obviously but the way it extends to fandom and dean fans will make everything about dean pain actually gets me angry. its an immediate block

recently saw a gifset about sams eating habits and some of the replies are insane!!!!

"sam is fussy because dean sacrificed and made sure he was never hungry whereas dean eats everything bcuz big bad john starved him uwu"

or even worse "sam thought he was a chubby 12 year old when he was "well fed" bcuz dean was so emaciated from being so underfed and he felt guilty about it :("

like????? you sound crazy and it says so much about what you think about people with eating disorders. im killing them with my mind powers. literally everything bad that happened to sam is just fodder for the "dean is a poor little victim" brigade

everything boils down to "sam is a spoiled brat who doesnt realise how much martyr dean has sacrificed for him" which is crazy cuz dean really hasnt protected him all that much, not in the show and imo, not as children

i completely understand you anon, i have like half of the fandom blocked on my main for almost this exact reason. the framing of dean being kind, punished, nurturing etc, while sam is selfish, evil, spoiled always feels like a thinly veiled attempt at deflecting from the actual heinous stuff dean does, especially to sam sometimes. it's all about making dean the victim, woobifying him in a way, and it really shows in people's headcanons about abuse as well, which it think is even worse than the already bad ones about eating disorders. malnourished dean specifically is such a wet dream for people who love woobifying dean, because we know comparatively little about their childhoods so headcanons are less easily disproved, and stuff that we do know (lack of money, lack of food) paint a very sad picture of it. i'm not saying you can't argue that dean has had issues with food in the past, but saying sam should feel bad for it, sam who was also just a hungry little kid, is ridiculous. i personally do not believe dean went days without food just so sam could have some more, he'd probably steal money or groceries before it came to that, or even go to charities. dean is self destructive, but he's not stupid. also the narrative of john maliciously starving dean is stupid as hell, why would you train your child to survive fighting monsters just to sabotage them by intentionally starving them? in a scenario when there wasn't enough food i 100% believe john ate less so sam and dean could have enough, but people love to pretend john was actually satan before they use their brains.

[sammygender]

its so crazy that what we actually see of the winchesters childhood in the show is INCREDIBLY bleak. just awful. but listening to dean and sam talk about it like even in the later seasons you'd just think they didn't really get on with their parents. as late as season TEN dean is still going 'haha yeah dad raised us right'. like oh my god. dean. you are SO damaged. every single problem you have including all the ones you take out on other people that ruin your life and your relationships can be traced back to ur father using you as perfect son and obedient soldier and surrogate wife and telling you family is everything and sam is selfish and bad for wanting things and still also flying into drunken rages whatever that means and terrifying you. (the way literally one of those things would be insanely damaging and its this mishmash of all which makes everythng like 10000x worse... child abuse squared.... insane). and dude is acting like his dad was like. A bit mean sometimes but essentially a nice guy :) and the show rarely directly comments on this (past like s3 when you get him screaming I DIDNT DESERVE THE SHIT HE PUT ON ME) or on the fact that sam and dean are not whatsoever to be trusted when they talk about their childhoods and it was usally 100x worse than whatever they say. which means i truly think people dont really GET it no matter how much they 'hate john winchester'. but fucking christ it was awful

[daughter-of-melpomene]

gotta know everything about via! also u & me 🤝 winchester half-sister ocs ✨ via and jude should vibe. and via and kat can have curvy girl solidarity.

what’s her relationship like with the brothers and her dad? what about with bobby? what’s her favourite animal? does she accessorise her stuff (phones, laptop, etc)? what monster is she most and least afraid of? — @xoteajays

AHHH, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING ABOUT MY BABY, TJ!!! I am also gonna tag @endless-oc-creations and @aceyanaheim since they also asked about Via’s relationship with her brothers, and @goldheartedchaoticdisaster and @ginevrastilinski-ocs because I know they love my girl. <3

Her relationship with her brothers:

Via’s relationship with Sam is actually pretty sweet, considering that they didn’t even meet until Via was fifteen and that first meeting was the first time Sam had even been made aware that she existed. It’s a bit awkward at first, sure, but they bond pretty quickly over being Certified John Winchester Haters, and even though Via isn’t very good at research or the more academic parts of hunting, she’s very fascinated by it and is always willing to listen to Sam’s rambling. They also get to bond later on over being Winchester siblings with inhuman powers (or magic, in Via’s case), and overall their relationship is just really sweet and awesome siblings.

Her relationship with Dean is… a lot more complicated than with Sam. They’ve known each other for several years longer than Via and Sam have, but since, as I said, Via absolutely hates John and can’t understand how blind Dean’s faith in him is, and Dean sees Via as being ungrateful that John took her in and taught her something as noble as being a hunter, so they get into a lot of arguments. They definitely get better about that, though, as Dean slowly starts to see John for who he really is, and even when they didn’t get along they would have done anything and given their lives to protect each other - after all, Via is Dean’s baby sister and Dean is Via’s big brother who was her only source of comfort during the darker days after John took her in, and at the end of the day that’s just how Winchester siblings work. (Plus, they eventually get to bond over being in love with angels, and Via’s the one who eventually helps Dean to realize and accept that he’s bi, so while their dynamic is sweet in a totally different way than her and Sam’s is, it is still sweet.)

Her relationship with her dad:

Oh ho ho. When I tell you that Olivia Winchester hates John Winchester with every fibre of her being, I am not kidding. She didn’t hate him from the first moment they met, certainly, but she didn’t exactly ever love him - she wasn’t sure what to make of him when he first picked her up, not understanding why he had never tried to seek her before if he had known she existed. And then he pretty much immediately tells her all about the supernatural existing and starts her training as a hunter, and as soon as she realizes that he and Dean aren’t just crazy, all that confusion turns into resentment, which then turns into hatred. She hates that John cares so little about her mother, so little that he doesn’t even remember her last name when Anne cared enough to give her daughter his last name, and she hates that he forced his children to become his little soliders rather than letting them have a normal childhood (a hatred which only grows when they meet Adam and she learns that he got to live normally), so much that she only ever refers to him as John, never Dad, and only sometimes sir through gritted teeth when he forces it out of her. John, in turn, thinks she’s a defiant, ungrateful little shit and strongly regrets ever taking her in… so, yeah, their relationship isn’t great.

Her relationship with Bobby:

Oh, you mean the guy she wishes was her dad? And who also wishes he was her dad? Yeah, she and Bobby really love each other. They first met shortly after John took Via in, when he dropped her off at Bobby’s house because he was going off on a hunt with Dean and she wasn’t ready to go along with them yet. From the very first moment Bobby laid eyes on that skinny little girl with bags under her eyes from all the nightmares she’d been having, he swore that he would always protect her, even as she got older and sassier and more capable of protecting herself. They tend to trade sarcastic, witty banter back and forth whenever they meet up, and sometimes they really do annoy each other, but Via would still go to Bobby’s house whenever John sent her away for annoying him, and she associates the taste of the shitty dollar-store tea he bought just for her with warmth and love, and they’re both the only person besides the boys (and, later, El) that the other will accept hugs from. Just like with Sam and Dean, Bobby is Via’s dad, no matter what DNA they both have and no matter if either of them ever acknowledge it. (Which they do, anyway. Once or twice Via’s even done it in front of John, both because it’s true and to watch the vein pop out in his forehead.)

Her favorite animal:

Oh, Via loves bats. They are her absolute favorite things ever, besides her sawed-off, and she would very much keep one for a pet if it was safe and allowed. She thinks it’s super cool that they’re the only mammals that can fly and the only flying creatures with thumbs, and besides that, she just thinks they’re the most adorable little guys ever. Dean thinks she’s weird for it and Sam very seriously worries that she’s going to try to pet one one day and have to get a rabies shot, but she’s never going to let that stop her.

Does she accessorize:

Listen. Via is totally a stickers girl in a life that does not very often allow for stickers. She loves them, especially the cool personally designed Etsy ones with Vine quotes and stuff on them, and she’ll buy ones that catch her eye at truck stops and gas stations when she can, but she doesn’t really own a lot that she would be able to decorate with them. Sam does let her put a few that he approves of on his laptop, though, and eventually after she comes out to her brothers, Dean pays someone to sew a lesbian flag patch onto her favorite denim jacket for her birthday. So she does get some opportunities to accessorize, even if it’s not as often as she’d like.

What monster she’s most afraid of:

Very definitely vampires. For as much as she makes a bunch of Dracula jokes whenever they go up against some, it really scares Via that these blood-suckers are so vicious and that there are so few ways to kill them, and that you have to actually get up close to cut their heads off most of the time, which she hates.

What monster she’s least afraid of:

Probably ghosts, although that still depends on the type of ghost and how angry a spirit they are. Mostly, though, they’re pretty easy to deal with and can’t cause too much physical harm, so Via’s usually relieved when they get a ghost case because it’s something of a break from all the shit they usually have to deal with.

Again, thanks so much for asking about my girl!! It means a lot. <3 <3

[soullessjack]

Question for you about baby Jack: do you think the same people that flatten Jack tend to also woobify Cas to the point of comical gentleness and stereotypical femininity? I was thinking about the implications for both autistic characters having their violence and harsh parts cut away to make them more palatable/adorable.

YES OH MY FUCKING GOD THANK YOU FOR MENTIONING IT.

It was definitely way worse around like S6-7 with Crazy!Cas than it is now, especially as a product of the show’s airing time and how queer men (ie Dean and Cas) were generally viewed during then; if you’ve been on the 2010’s internet you might remember all those mlm ship dynamics that were really just repackages of traditional marriage and gender roles: Alpha/Beta, Top/Bottom, Dom/Sub, etc.

/ Full disclosure that I was *not in these online circles during the 2010’s and I’m not any sort of gender studies expert, so anyone’s free to correct me if I get stuff wrong lol. /

But from what I’ve seen and what I know, Alphas, Tops, and Doms are typically very stereotypically masculine, carrying all the stereotypical traits like aggression and emotional unavailability, and filling in stereo-traditionally masculine roles like being protectors or providers. Vice versa, Betas/Bottoms/Subs were usually the extremely effeminate other half; they were more emotionally sensitive and weak, needed to be protected, and for the most part portrayed as looking physically androgynous or “soft.” Ergo, you have basically affixed these queer men to acting as The Man and The Woman, even though it’s two men.

Like I said, it’s definitely gone away for the most part, especially with the rise in actual gender studies and how gender expression is viewed, especially for men. I’ll still see it in some Destiel art here and there where Dean is this big gruff strong pants-wearer saving a blushing baby-faced dress-clad Cas, (cough wheeze diminuel but you didn’t hear that from me) but thankfully it isn’t thee most prevalent content made for Cas the way baby!jack is thee most prevalent content made for Jack, and there have been plenty of people over the years to come forward and correctly establish Cas as a way more dominant and capable guy than the ao3 fics would have you believe.

Same goes for Dean! He’s set up to be The Man, he likes violence and steak and guns and sleazy dive bar sex, but he’s a very emotionally sensitive man and has his own dips into femininity (Rhonda Hurley, cooking/baking, being Sam’s ‘mother,’ etc.) I’m actually of the opinion that SPN has some of the queerest masculinity ever , and again I’m not a gender studies student or expert by a long shot, but I do think there’s something to be said about how a show that is sort of built on a reversal and deconstruction of the nuclear family (ie Mary being a hunter and John being a normal man, Dean being Sam’s mother in their childhood) is so constantly regurgitated into those very roles by the fandom:

Sam is the “mom” of Jack’s 3 dads, Cas is the sensitive effeminate bean who needs big strong brawny man Dean to protect him, etc., and with Jack’s confirmation as non-binary so many ppl took to drawing them in mostly feminine fashion (which to me speaks a lot to how queer masculinity is treated but that’s for another post I think).

There’s also a lot to be said about how important mothers and motherhood are to SPN. Mary Winchester, Kelly Kline, Lily Sunder, Rowena Macleod, Jody Mills, Amelia Novak, I’m sure I could go on. Sam and Dean follow in the footsteps of their mother’s family as hunters. Castiel bonds with Jack through Kelly, and Jack takes after Kelly more than he does Lucifer (his grandma even points out that he sort of looks like her). I’m absolutely not saying SPN is this ultra feminist show, but when it tries it tries, and what it lays down is very much worth picking up.

you’ll have to forgive me for centering Jack on a Cas ask but I promise it’s not for nothing. like, the whole “twist” to Jack’s character isn’t just that he’s good or sweet; it’s also that he’s much more like his mother. Not only does he look like her, but he’s also very emotional; he’s sensitive, he’s intuitive, he’s deeply empathetic. and where most teen boys wanna be like their old man, he wants to be more like Kelly; even keeping her name as his own. of course he presents fairly masculinely, as do the other guys (unless we’re counting kitchen aprons as a feminine thing, which I only would with a grain of salt), but so much of his character is faceted in being like Kelly; being like his mother, being like a woman, and within the show’s framework that’s a celebrated thing!

I feel like I’m getting away from the original question so here’s some last thoughts to send out the door with you:

> Sam and Dean’s connection and relationship to Mary is also celebrated within the show, arguably more so than their relationship with John

> the importance of mothers in spn is somewhat highlighted by their absences (Sam and Dean, Claire)

TLDR: supernatural accidentally smashed the nuclear gender family and made their men queer and fandom culture/patriarchal norms doesn’t understand it because masculinity isn’t seen as inherently queer the way femininity/androgyny is

[themusingsofafanficwriter]

The True Meaning of Family - Chapter 8

Summary: A found family Supernatural AU. Ophelia Humphries is an English 19-year-old who is just trying to finish her online history degree when she receives a letter from two brothers she never knew she had.

A/N: Chapter 8 is here! Hope you enjoy it. If you want to keep more up-to-date, I'd suggest heading over to AO3. If you didn't see the previous chapters, you can find the master list here. Let me know what you guys think!

Weeks came and went.

Cases came and went.

Research and essays came and went.

In all those weeks, Ophelia had not left the bunker except for food shops and library visits. She was beginning to go insane, and the training that Dean had said Ophelia had needed to go with them on hunts, had not started.

“Sam, are you around?” Ophelia yelled from a comfy chair in the bunker’s small library that she had claimed as hers.

“In the kitchen!” Was her brother’s reply.

Rolling her eyes, Ophelia left the nest of blankets she had created in the chair and found her brother making a sandwich.

“Hey! Do you want one? Sorry, I should have asked.” He said with a look of realisation on his face. “I’m not used to anyone else being here when Dean and Cas are out.”

“It’s fine, as an only child I got used to fending for myself.” She replied offhandedly. “But yeah, I’d love one.” She quickly added.

A silence fell between the siblings as Sam added cheese and ham to white bread.

“This is weird.” Ophelia said softly after some time. Sam placed the sandwiches on a plate and sighed. “Yeah, it is.”

“What was it like growing up, like, having siblings?” Sam was quiet for a little while, before handing a plate over to Ophelia.

“My childhood was far from normal, Ophelia. That is the first thing you must understand.” A seriousness fell over Sam that Ophelia hadn’t seen before in the months that she had known him. “My mom died when I was a baby and her death sent dad down this life.” He moved around the kitchen island and sat next to Ophelia on a stool.

“I was raised to hunt, and all the normal stuff people did growing up just didn’t really happen. It wasn’t a happy childhood but I guess it had its moments.” He paused. “Dean basically raised me.”

Sadness grew within Ophelia. All she wanted was to have siblings, and the siblings that she did have were… were suffering.

“That’s why he is the way he is. This is all I’ve known but for Dean, he kind of remembered mom and I guess.” Ophelia could see Sam trying to think of how best to phrase what he was about to say. “I guess he wants you to hold on to what you’ve had and not take a dive into this life. There will be no going back to normal after this.”

She nodded, understanding that the future that she was asking for was not going to be easy.

“I’m going to struggle with this whole big brother thing, especially as you’re an adult and have been alone for so long. You don’t really need me.” Sam said, trying to lighten the mood.

“Of course I need you, Sam.” A wide-eyed Ophelia said softly.

Sam studied his sister’s face, trying to understand why she sounded so hurt by his statement.

“You and Dean are the only connection I have to our dad. He may not have been a good dad or even particularly dad-like by the sounds of it but you two are everything to me.” Ophelia reached out and squeezed Sam’s hand. “I’ll push Dean to start training you. I know you’re going a little stir-crazy.”

“Thanks Sam.”

They finished their sandwiches and Ophelia told Sam all about her unextraordinary childhood with her mum. Sam tried not to let his smile fade from his face as his little sister told him tales of school dances, award shows and plays, and all the simplicities that growing up in a small English village had. Oh how he wanted that and how he wanted Ophelia to only know that.

As she went back towards her cocoon of blanked and soft furnishings, Sam called after Ophelia. “It might be useful to brainstorm some ideas for alias’, the quicker I can get those names over to our guy who makes our fake IDs and such, the better. You know, just in case Dean does ever let you come with us to… investigate I guess is the best way to describe it.”

“Sure thing, Sam. I’ll get that figured out once he starts to train me.” She said with a soft smile. Her head was cocked slightly and while her face was even, her tone was sceptical.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was late when Dean got home to the bunker. Sam was at one of the desks, surrounded by books and other notes.

“Hey, man! What you got there?” Dean asked casually.

“Uhh nothing, just putting together some things that I think Ophelia should know. Some about what we could be up against and some things about our history.”

“Yeah, good idea. Maybe this will scare her off a little bit.” Dean’s nonchalant reply annoyed Sam.

“Why would you want to scare her off, Dean? She’s our sister and all she is trying to do is spend more time with us and all you keep doing is pushing her further away.” His pointed tone and disapproving look startled Dean enough that the oldest Winchester took a step back and threw his hands up in defence.

Sam’s attack continued, “I understand that you don’t want her to get hurt but the whole reason for bringing her here is so we could be a family. You know, it wouldn’t surprise me that in a month or two she decides to move back in with her mom. She has been here almost four months and we have probably spent a handful of days actually being siblings to each other.”

“Well, it’s not like we have lots of time, this job makes sure of that, Sammy, this is just how it is.” Dean said in his defence. “It’s not like this job is conducive to a family life.”

“Exactly! And all she is trying to do is be our sister and spend time with the only connection she has to our dad. So will you stop being such a hardass and start training her? I don’t want to lose her from our life.” Softness entered Sam’s voice.

“That’s why I don’t want her coming, because I don’t want to lose her either. Sammy, how many bad things have happened to us? Or the people we love? I don’t want them to happen to her.” Dean’s voice also softened.

“Things are going to happen, Dean. Don’t you remember the demon that was at her hotel the very day we met her? If it hadn't been for Cas, something really bad could have happened. And she has no way of knowing how to deal with that.”

“Yeah, I guess you're right.” Dean finally relented.

Sam gave him a knowing look. A look Dean had come to know as a you need to talk about how you feel look.

Dean sat next to his brother, moving some of the papers as he rested his elbows on the table, placing his head in his hands.

“God, she's so young.” He finally said. “At her age, you were at Stanford. Trying to get away from this life and I was so angry at you.”

Sam hummed an acknowledgement.

“Now here we are, letting our little sister into this life when she should just run as far away from it as possible. She should be getting drunk at parties, falling in and out of love at the drop of a hat and getting an education and a normal job.” Dean glanced at Sam. “Why are you pushing for her to train Sammy, I thought you'd want all this for her too? You two are so alike and at her age you wanted nothing to do with this.”

Sam sighed. “Dean, I wanted nothing to do with dad's treatment of me. We were soldiers in his war. This is different. She's going to be in danger every time she leaves this bunker because, well, Cas said the angels had always kept an eye on her so God knows who or what else has been watching her.”

Dean lifted his head to fully take in his brother's expression. Sam's mind was clearly lost in thought, Dean guessed that it was of his time away from their dad.

“Basic training and defence.” The words left his mouth before Dean could fully realise what he was saying.

“Basic training and defence.” Sam replied with a nod.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sam had shot Ophelia a text saying that he had spoken with Dean and he had agreed to basic training and defensive skills.

Ophelia liked the message and went back to her work, an essay on the English Civil War. It was difficult to twist all assignments into being about the occult or supernatural. Sometimes they had to be just about the time period. It was times like this where she missed the library and Mr. Harrington.

She was almost finished with her references when Dean knocked at her door.

“Ophelia?”

“You can come in, Dean, you don't have to hover.”

“Well, I know what I was up to at your age so, I just like to be… cautious is probably the best way I can put that.”

“Okay well that is way more information than I ever needed about you at my age Dean. Also, what would I be doing, it's not like I've met anyone… do you know what, don't answer that!” She quickly added as Dean gave her a smirk that was too telling.

“You should put some gym gear on before I change my mind about this. Meet me in the kitchen in 15 minutes.” With that, Ophelia was left in her room alone.

Quickly changing into some flared hot pink yoga pants, a white top and white trainer she ran down stairs to meet Dean in the kitchen.

“Okay, I’m ready.” She said catching her breath.

“Alright, follow me.” Dean beckoned, leading her out of the kitchen and down a hallway that Ophelia hadn’t been down before.

“Where are we going?” She asked.

“We have a small gym and a bigger armoury and shooting range down here. Oh also the room with the demon’s trap is down here on the right.” Dean said casually as he pointed down another hallway.

The gym was a standard gym. A punching bag, a few weights and a treadmil lined the outer edges. There was a huge mat that sat in the middle of the floor that looked similar to the ones she remembers from school.

“Okay so what’s your hand to hand fighting like?” Dean asked.

“Well, I’ve only ever been in one fight before.” Ophelia hesitiated but Dean prompted her to go on with a wave of his hand. “It was in secondary school, I was 16 and this girl was bullying a girl in one of the lower years. I don’t know where I got the confidence to do anything but I pushed her and told her to back off. She slapped me, I punched her. Twice… I might have also kicked her when she was down but I can’t say for sure as I kind of went into an adrenaline high and I don’t remember what happened after. I was suspended for two weeks and I had to attend a meeting with my head of year every week for the rest of the year to see how my ‘behavour was improving’.”

“All that for defending another kid?” Dean cocked his head in confusion.

“I’m lucky I wasn’t expelled, her dad was on the board of governors and was pushing for it apparently. I think because I hadn’t acted out before and the school had had other problems with his daughter’s bullying of other kids, they went easy on me.”

“Right well, at least you’ve thrown a punch before, but go ahead, make a fist anyway to show me.”

Ophelia made a fist, remembering the proper form, and presented it awkwardly to Dean. He nodded in reply.

“Okay, so.” He started. “Most of the fighting Sam and I do is either with our hands, knives, or guns. We’re going to get your strength up so that you can protect yourself,” Dean stressed those last two words to make a point, “until Sam, Cas or I can get to you.”

Ophelia didn’t say anything, she just nodded as the realisation that she could ever be in danger was starting to set in.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For her first training session, Dean felt that Ophelia did well. Her overall fitness level was fine. She could run a 7 minute mile, give or take, for a few miles without collapsing, and her strength was stronger than Dean had expected. A good starting point, but she had far to go before he would consider her ready to go with them.

Ophelia seemed to have thought diffenerntly though. Every morning from then on she was in the gym. She managed to shave almost a minute off of her mile run time within a month of starting to train. She struggled a little with the weight training to begin with but when Cas told her that many supernatural beings had strength that could throw someone Sam’s size across a room, it motivated her to keep going.

It was at this point, Dean felt that she had improved her stamina enough to try and spar with her.

“I’m not going to hit you Ophelia, so don’t worry about that. Just try and not end up on your ass.” Dean said as he got into a stance. Ophelia mirrored her brother and nodded.

She managed to stay up for, at most, 5 seconds before Dean managed to hook his leg behind hers and push her to the ground. She landed with a thud, having had the wind knocked out of her.

A slow clap came from the door. Ophelia crained her neck to ssee Sam stood in the doorway.

“Well done Dean, You’ve managed to knock over a teen girl!” Sam said in defence of Ophelia’s efforts.

“Yeah, this is on me. I’m not strong enough yet.” Ophelia said from the mat.

“No, you just don’t know what to do. Kiddo, don’t hold back. You’re unlikely to actually hurt me.” Dean said, helping her up.

Sam perchd on the edge of the weights rack and gave an encouraging nod to Ophelia.

‘Don’t hold back. You’re not going to hurt him.’ She said to herself.

Dean came at her again but this time, as he lunged at Ophelia to grab her by the shoulders, she dropped to the floor and rolled out of the way, allowing her to get back to her feet behind Dean. Before he could turn, Ophelia kicked Dean in the back of his knees.

He almost crumpled to the floor, saving himself at the last moment. He rounded on her, changing his attack to match Ophelia’s more defensive style.

“Good work! You almost had me.” Dean said with a smirk.

Dean launched at Ophelia again, this time managing to grab her arm pulling her towards him, and twisting it behind her back. “How are you going to get out of this one? Really think about it.” Dean said in a tutoring tone.

They stood there for a moment until Ophelia stomped on Dean’s foot. As he folded in half, reflexively she elbowed him in the nose which sent his head flying backwards. Dean swore under his breath as he let go of his sister to cup his face. At this point, as he was already stumbling, Ophelia hooked her leg around Dean’s and pushed him to the floor.

Dabbing blood from his nose, Dean sat up from the mat and looked at the Winchester girl with wide, impressed eyes.

Having watched what happened, Sam walked over and patted Ophelia on the back. “I think you’ll be fine.” He said.

“Yeah, I think she’ll be okay. Next time we add knives to the mix.” Dean added slowly as he tended to his nose which may be broken.

[luna-nigthshade-wood]

What they don´t know, will hurt them

Summary: Dean Winchesters attempts suicide on a dirty motel bathtub, ending brain dead on a hospital. A trickster promises John and Sam that he will save him for “free”, as long as they both get through watching a series of Dean´s memories, good and bad. The twist is that they will feel everything Dean did at the time and they can stop it at any time, but then Dean will die. They both accept thinking it cant be that bad. Spoiler: it is worse.  

Chapter 37

Sometimes, back when his sons were young, John used to fantasy on the What if´s? What if Mary hadn’t die? What if their house hadn’t burned down? What if his kids had grown up in a normal safe environment? Would Mary and him still be together? Would he still have had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol? Would Adam still exist? Would Sam had still loved school? Would he had still gone to law school at Stanford or would he have chosen a different path? Somehow the what if´s that kept him up at night weren’t these, the ones that prevented him from sleeping were the ones regarding his oldest. Would Dean had gone to college? Would he have been a scholar or a jock? Would he have been more social or have few trusted friends? John´s mind was full of what if´s, but perhaps if he had paid more attention to the reality, none of this would have happened.

The screen lights up once more, and Sam almost chokes recognizing which case their past selves are heading, would it have been too much to ask that they skipped this one? Back then, Sam hadn’t given any thought to his brother´s inner struggles, hadn’t really care to figure why Dean was so adamant to return to their childhood home, and yes, they have saved the day at the end, but Sam didn’t want to uncover the hurt he had put his brother trough.

The scene doesn’t stop though, and it shows Dean trying to find a new case, while “Sam” all but ignores him, drawing something in a note pad. Dean questions his brother, until “Sam” tells him that they need to go back to their childhood home, “Sam” shows his brother and old photo and suddenly sadness and nostalgia fill the room as Dean looks at it. “Sam” keeps talking on the background of the screen, but to Dean (and therefore the viewers) it sounds like miles away, until one sentence catches Dean attention and he snaps back of the trance he was in

-This is going to sound crazy, but the people who live in the house, I think they might be in danger.

-Why do you think that?- Dean asks confuse and nervous

-You gotta trust me on this okay?- “Sam” says ignoring Dean completely

-Trust you? Yeah, I think that I will need a little more than that- Dean says pissed off, but the nervousness is still there- I am not going anywhere until you explain

-I have these nightmares- “Sam” confesses- and sometimes they come true- he tells Dean and Dean´s face goes pale as “Sam” continues- I dreamt about Jessica´s death for days before it happened

-Sam- Dean says sitting down- People dream terrible thing all the time- he says but his voice is shaking

-I dreamt about the blood, about the ceiling, the fire, and now I am dreaming about some woman screaming for help, and that has to mean something- “Sam” says, Dean losing color the more he talks, and John wants to reach out inside the screen and hug his oldest, as he watches the lost look on his face

-I don’t know- Dean says looking lost, the world coming out slightly slurred

-What do you mean you don’t know?- “Sam” screams- This might be the thing that killed mom

-All right. Just slow down, would you?- Dean says, shaking slightly as he buries his nails inside his thighs, a movement only perceptible by the sting the Winchesters get. Dean stands up, and Sam cant honestly keep track of his brother´s feelings, before he exclaims- First you tell me, you got the Shining and then you tell me that I have to get back home. Especially when…

-When what?- “Sam” says

-When I swear myself that I would never go back there- Dean says, tone vulnerable and soft.

-Look, Dean, we have to check this out, just to be sure- “Sam” exclaims, and the mask goes up once more on Dean´s face as he nods and the scene ends.

And Sam wants to rage and shout and his past self for this, this alone is one crime he could never forgive himself, for once in his life Dean was letting the mask slip, his brother was as close as begging for him not to make him go, to the place where his life had burned overnight, and Sam refused him. The walls his brother put had quickly gone up, because Sam hadn’t care to find out what was wrong, he hadn’t care beyond some callous words, because he always had to be right, doesn’t he?

John takes a deep breath knowing what case his sons are working, and it would be a lie if he told himself that he wasn’t close to tears just by the opening. Before this “experience” he was too busy playing the victim to think what his sons had lost, but now, seeing the devastation on Dean´s face he had a clue of what was to come. He also remembered a particular voicemail that he hoped wouldn’t be shown (as if the Trickster would let him get away with it)

The scene progresses and this time it shows the brothers pulling over outside of the house, Dean´s house visibly shaking. They knock on the door, which is answer by the new tenant named Jenny. “Sam” introduces both of them with their real names, and the woman lets them in, telling them she found old pictures of them while cleaning the attic. The woman introduces the brothers to her kids and Dean tries to make small talk to fish for information but his attempts fall flat, with “Sam” having to take the lead. The awkwardness and discomfort Dean is feeling is felt by his family like invisible ants crawling inside their skins, and both of them wonder how Dean was able to stood there long enough without bolting.

Sari, Jenny´s daughter, tells the brothers that she saw a flaming figure and both brothers´ hearts almost stop. They make their excuses and rush out the door, with Dean almost tripping in his haste to get away, “Sam” hot on his heels, all but screaming at his brother his theories about how it might be the thing that killed their mom, with Dean rationalizing that they cant take the people out of the house without investigating more. The brothers drive away to a gas station, with “Sam” asking Dean how much he remembered about that night

-Not much- Dean says and somehow it tastes like a lie- I remember the fire. The heat. Then I carried you out the front door- he admits

-You did?- “Sam” asks surprised, and the Sam in the room feels a pang of hurt just thinking about it.

-Yeah, why, you never knew that?- Dean asks, with “Sam” shaking his head quietly, before Dean continues- And well, you know Dad´s story as much as I do, he found Mom- Dean says, before losing his voice for a couple of seconds and then continuing, with every word almost getting dragged out of him- Whatever out her there was long gone by the time Dad found her

-And he never had a theory about what did it?- “Sam” asks, and Sam gives a side glance to his dad, who avoid his eyes, they both know the answer to that

-If he did- and this sounds sarcastic in Dean´s tone- he kept it to himself. God knows we asked him enough times.

-Okay- “Sam” says with a small voice- So we have to figure out what happened that night and see if it is the same thing- the younger says before adding- Does this feel like a normal case to you?

-I will be right back- Dean says ignoring the question- I gotta go to the bathroom

Dean walks towards the bathroom, but only once he is away from “Sam” does he lets himself lose composure, his fingers tremble as he pulls his phone out of the pocket, a couple of stray tears falling from his eyes, as he dials a known number, getting the voicemail once more

-Dad- Dean says, voice breaking- I know I have left you messages before. I don’t even know if you get them. But I am with Sam and we are in Lawrence and there is something in our old house. I don’t know if it’s the thing that killed mom or not…but… I don’t know what to do- Dean says before breaking down- So whatever you are doing, if you could get here. Please. I need your help, dad- Dean pleads, before he hangs up the phone, and yes maybe, John should have expected the punch to the face that Sam gives him

-He asked for your help- Sam says, once the flow of blood slowed down- He practically begged for it and you refused.

-Sammy, I…-John says trying to excuse the inexcusable

-No, dad- Sam furiously says- Don’t even try to explain. Dean, who never asked anything from you, asked for your help and you ignored him, just like you ignore him every single need or want he has. What possibly stupid reason would you give, that would excuse this, huh?- Sam asks screaming

-I did go- John confesses and Sam has half a mind to punch his father again- But by the time that I arrived you two had practically solved the case

-So what?- Sam retorts- You didn’t think that perhaps you could have talked to us, instead of leaving us hanging?

-You have to understand, Sam- John tries to defend- The demon was after me, I was protecting you

-No, dad- Sam replies with a hollow voice- You were protecting yourself- he says and well what can John respond when presented with the truth

The memory continues as Dean slowly sinks in the ground, disappointment and desperation filling him, before shakenly pulling his phone out once more and making another call, the first sentence he says making John´s stomach turn

-Give me a reason why I shouldn’t just blow my brains out and be done with it?- Dean says as soon as the call connects on the other end

-Because your family will miss you- a familiar female voice tells him

-They wont care- Dean laughs humorless- Hell, they will probably be happy to get rid of my useless ass

-I will miss you- Faith responds

-You will get over it- Dean retorts, tears falling freely

-I wont, and that is something you cant refute, because it involves myself and you know it- she tells him- Also you will be flanking on your promise, and that is an insult to fae culture

-What are you gonna do?- Dean asks- Kill me? Make my life a living hell? Because trust me, it already is- he says, but even with the grim topic the Winchesters realize that Dean has finally stop shaking

-Maybe revive you- Faith answers- You know, as punishment- she says, getting a small laugh from Dean, before she asks- What happened?

-I am at Lawrence, in a case that involves my old house- Dean answers- I guess, I kind of got lost inside my head.

-Do you need help?- the Fae asks with no hesitation

-No- Dean says- At least I don’t think so, I think I just needed to talk to someone that would listen. Thank you- Dean tells her, with the tears finally stopping

-Happy to serve and be of service- Faith responds- And I am serious, if you need help, you can call at any time.

-Thank you, F- Dean says one more before disconnecting the call, as the scene ends

The fact that something (someone, his mind reprimands) that he would have called a monster and gank without a second thought shows more kindness and support to his son that his own father, hits something deep inside John. Because the truth is that there is a monster in this narrative, and he sees it everytime he looks in a mirror.

Sam, for his part, is stunned into silence. He never acknowledged Dean´s struggles with more than a path in the shoulder and perhaps a quick hug, and then proceed to never mention it again. He never knew how close he was to lose Dean (he never knew how close to the edge his brother was)

The memories continue this time showing the boys at the garage that John used to own, bringing back memories to the man that had long been forgotten. The brothers interrogate John´s partner at the garage asking him if he knew something about the Winchesters disappearance, the man tells them that after the fire John claimed that something caused the fire and killed Mary, even though it was an “accident”, starting to read odd books and seeing a psychic in town. Afterwards, “Sam” starts to research psychics in town with Dean recognizing the name of Missouri Moseley as one he had read at their dad´s journal, so they head to the woman´s house to speak to speak to her.

Missouri recognize them upon arrival, giving his condolences to “Sam”, while also telling them that she doesn’t know where their father is. Dean doesn’t take the news well and makes a verbal jab towards the psychic but she rebuts telling him that she can only read thoughts and energies. She tells the boys, she is the one that told him the truth about what was out there and if the Winchesters hadn’t been paying attention they would have missed the barely there resentment that Dean quickly feels and dismiss. He recovers quickly asking the woman if she knows what killed their mom, and she tells them that she went to the house with John looking for clues, but she doesn’t know what it was, only that it was evil. “Sam” tells her that they think the creature is back in the house and that it might be related with their missing father and Jessica´s death. Dean and Missouri both getting pale at hearing this.

The scene moves on, showing the boys and Missouri going to the old house. Jenny opens the door and tells them it is not a good time, Dean, clearly off his game, tries to interject but Missouri slaps him on the back of his head, and tries to explain to the frighten woman was going on. All in all, a normal for them conversation but a phrase that Missouri says repeats inside the Winchester´s head:

-Forgive the boy- Missouri says- He means well. He is just not the sharpest tool in the shed. Now hear me out…

But whatever she says next, they don’t quite hear, too busy getting confronted with Dean´s feelings of hurt and self-hate, that he quickly tries to contain to keep his mind on the game.

Whatever Missouri says works, because Jenny grants them access to the house. They climb to Sam´s nursey and for a moment Dean feels panic as he tries to do anything possible to block bad memories from resurging. Missouri tells them that it is not the same thing that kill their mom, but it is related. She thinks that the creature that is terrorizing the family is a poltergeist that was attracted by the evil energy related to the house and that there might be a second more benign spirit. She tells them that they need to purify the house to expulse the creature.

The three split up to cover more ground and Dean takes a deep breath as he starts to work, a noise is all the warning he gets as his instincts kick in managing to duck before a knife invades itself where his face was a second before, he doesn’t hesitate either using a table as a cover and managing to put the herbs in place. He rushes upstairs to find “Sam” getting strangled by a cord, that only stops when he puts the ingredients in the spot in the wall, a white light is seen before it disappears, with Missouri exclaiming that is finally over, even if “Sam” is not convinced.

“Sam” convinces Dean to park outside the house for the night, telling him that something isn’t right, with Dean secretly agreeing that things seem to have been too easy. “Sam” looks at the window and sees Jenny asking for help making the boys jump into action. Dean hurries to the woman´s bedroom trying and failing to open the door, before kicking it out, managing to get Jenny to safety, Jenny´s kids come out the door soon after, but there is no sign of “Sam”, the little girl claims something grab him, so Dean hurries and tries to enter the house taking down the door with an ax.

Dean enters the house, finding “Sam” and a fire figure, he goes to shoot but “Sam” stops him, and Dean´s heart (along with John´s) skips a beat at seeing his mom´s ghostly figure.

The sight leaves Dean speechless, with a wheel of emotions intermixing. The moment last only a few minutes tough and as quickly as Mary appears she disappears taking the poltergeist with her.

The scene jumps to the next morning showing Jenny thanking the brothers and giving Dean some photos she found. The nostalgia Dean feels is mixed with melancholy, before he locks them inside one of the boxes inside the trunk of the Impala, before he and “Sam” drive away closing the scene and finishing the memory.

Sam stares at the blank screen for a minute, trying to keep his emotions at check. Now more than anything, he regrets not having pay attention to his brother. Through the whole case, Dean was struggling, with reason, trying to keep his head in the game, without letting it show how it was affecting him. The nostalgia and melancholy still in the air, but there is bitterness in there too, bitterness at thinking of the life they could have had in another life, and Sam doesn’t know how to process this new information

There is something inherently broken in his family, John thinks, something he broke and never bother to try and fix. Because, back then Dean needed him more than ever, and he gave excuses once again to avoid confrontation, prioritizing once more his own feelings, telling himself that Dean was going to be okay. But Dean wasn’t okay and he hadn’t been okay for a while. And one day, near the future of the memory, his eldest would climb into a bathtub and (try to) kill himself and he wouldn’t ask for help, why would he? He had no reason to believe someone would help him.

AO3

Masterlist

[bagsley]

https://www.tumblr.com/bagsley/736090496684949504/can-i-admit-something-i-dont-understand

I don’t think you’re wrong, per se, on the possibility of Sam and Dean encountering food insecurity. The way they each relate to food could arguably say something about issues with control or food insecurity.

But, I think the reason the idea is viewed with scorn by some is because of things like the Dean is shorter because he gave all of his food to Sam example. Or because this argument often only applies to Dean to help “prove” how Dean has so selfless and abused whole Sam was … fine, I guess. Also, with young Dean doing things on screen like throwing out a full pot of … I can’t remember the brand of sauce and noodle, or teenage Dean gambling food money. These sort of suggest that they at least were mostly given the means to get food. They were also watched by bony and various other babysitters, who Lilly fed them reasonably well. Still, they also clearly ate some less than healthy crap while growing up.

So, I do t think it’s crazy to think they experienced food insecurity, but I think it’s often more of a footnote that people throw around to prove other things like selfish Sam or sbusive John.

i mean yeah obviously if this is being brought up to make some kind of point that sam, as a child, was somehow abusive that's ridiculous. (not that he's abusive as an adult, but at least it would've been possible for him to abuse someone as an adult.) i DO think that obviously in real life what john did would be child abuse. even leaving kids with enough money for food means you're trusting kids to budget correctly and if they don't they starve. not great. but again, as many people point out all the time, supernatural doesn't take place in the real world so i don't see much point in wallowing in what john did or didn't do to them as kids. lives were at stake, including theirs.

i think it's reasonable to assume that they were both hungry some of the time. it can't have gone perfectly their whole childhood. but what we know about their childhoods changes subtly with each writer and each flashback episode so... whatever

thanks for the ask! i like knowing what people think about this stuff

[lovetransaction]

Happy DFF Maggie!! I know Mary comes back at some point in the later seasons, and there’s plenty of fics about her finding out about samdean. BUT, I want to know how she’d react to johndean!

omg what an amazing question and i love thinking about their marriage so much so this was especially tailored for ME XD

I think Mary would resist it for a while, longer than she would samdean (because to me the Campbells are way incestuous and she makes allowances for a) cousins and b) situations where no children will be the result, but she has exceedingly complex feelings about parent/child).

When it got down to the point where she couldn't deny it anymore, she'd be furious. Not only is this a betrayal of her memories of John, her sweet dumb-boy besotted husband, but she's horrified that he'd do that to Dean and it would resurrect absolutely every single thing John did wrong in their marriage, the quarrels and his insistence on owning every single bit of her when she needed her own space, and his passive-aggressive way of putting distance between them to punish her for not cooperating with his desire for codependence.

--and on top of that she's mad at Dean, which means she's mad at herself, because of Samuel. And Mary's worked long and hard to shut all those feelings away so now the only person she can direct that anger at is Dean, which she technically knows is a shit thing to do because if there's a victim here, it's Dean. But he doesn't see it that way, and Mary hates being called a victim too but she knows how messy it was between her and her dad and that she still cared for Samuel just like Dean still cares for John, and she starts withdrawing. Spending more time with Sam instead of Dean so she doesn't have to think about if she married a man just like her father. Or if she can pin all of this solely onto Azazel. Or if Dean inherited only the worst and sickest parts of her.

Possibly what she's avoiding hardest (which Sam points out one day because they only knew each other as adults and so he has zero compunctions saying this since he doesn't have the sanctity of childhood memories hampering him), is that both Mary and Dean love John to an incoherent degree and always will. So ultimately, at this point when they're all drenched in each others' blood, what's the use of denying that love? They're a family and if Sam's learned anything, it's that this family devours itself because it doesn't know how else to express that love. He's just the only one who's okay with that now. Maybe Mom should get on his level.

Mary's like well I'm not crazy about this new tone of yours (heh) but he has a point. They're not like other families and never have been, never even had the option. She tells Sam she'll try and smooth the waters with Dean (for his sake, anyhow; she's fine! she can cope! she doesn't need to look at her feelings nope no way). She asks Dean to show her how to make the soup that John liked to make. He's surprised, but what's he gonna do, stay mad at her? He's Dean. He says it goes great with pb&j with the crusts cut off. They eat the soup and it has too much pepper and it hurts like hell, but it's good.