#i would understand why sam and dean say positive things about him

[lakemichigans]

i haven’t been following any news about the supernatural prequel but i’m not going to watch it because i know they’ll be sucking john’s cock, balls and all as if we didn’t get enough of that in the show already

[girls-alias]

Dean's Dream P9

Title: Dean's Dream Part 9

Words: 1,611

Relations: Dean Winchester X reader.

TW: Strong language

Req: @l7axr, @qinnroki, @deans-baby-momma, @angelofdarkness69

Part 8

Third-person POV:

Dean smiled, admiring Y/N's lips as she spoke, giggled or even listened to Sam. She was always smiling because she was in Dean's arms. Dean only came out of reality when Y/N whipped her head around to look at Dean confused. His eyebrows furrowed before rising, showing he wasn't listening and was not guilty of whatever accusatory thing was mentioned.

"What?" He asked innocently making Y/N chuckle, a sound he had missed and held close to his heart.

"Sammy was saying we went to the same dinner on May 3rd," She explained, filling him in on the conversation. He looked at her amazed, a slight chuckle leaving his lips. Her smile beamed at him.

"We were sat next to a hideous cherry painting," Dean chuckled, remembering how the cherry painting stood out to him as it seemed ugly and yet hypnotizing. He watched as Y/N's face grew bewildered.

"So did I," She explained, Dean's dropped open slightly as he wondered about a thousand things.

"Did you go to the bathroom and leave your book on the table?" He asked making me confused but also amazed as she recognised where the story was going. She confirmed excitedly. "I was sat right behind you," He explained, she chuckled as she shook her head. "If I had just turned around we would have seen each other," He explained with a chuckle, their hearts seemed to break a little at his words. It was almost synchronised. They both held sad smiles but smiled honestly when they recognised it on each other's faces. They both leaned in, meeting to kiss. It was a kiss of solidarity and comfort, something they both needed.

The conversation grew lighter as Dean smacked his brother's arm calling him an idiot for not pointing her out. They all laughed, knowing it was ridiculous but it appeared as though life was ridiculous to them too. As the food settled, the topic of conversation was what now? The air seemed to thicken as they all knew the conversation could end badly. Dean's chest seemed to tighten thinking the fairytale would end here and now. There seemed to be a silence surrounding them. Y/N turned completely in her seating position to face Dean. Something, in their dream life they often did to have a one-to-one conversation even in a crowded room. Even though Dean had not experienced this when he was in the dream, his body seemed to remember and understand. He turned his shoulders, facing her as she smiled worriedly.

"I know you hunt monsters and things but I would fall off the edge of the Earth for you if that's what you needed," She began to explain, Dean's smile grew at her words as he went to speak. "Please just let me," She interrupted sincerely. He nodded, closing his mouth and listening. Something the onlooking Sam was confused by. He could hardly get Dean to listen never mind shut up. He was amazed and enthralled, wanting to study her and learn her ways. "My life is miserable and if you will both have me I will come with you, I will learn to be an asset, I will do whatever it takes," She explained, pouring her heart into her words but worrying she sounded too desperate but as Dean smiled, she knew he didn't share her belief of being desperate.

"I'll stay with you while we're on this hunt then we'll take you to the bunker, it's pretty much our home between cases." He explained, admiring her for all she was. Perfection. The piece of him, he was missing. Her smile beamed before she kissed him, confirming she was happy with his words and the plan. She pulled away, admiring him closer before taking a deep breath and turning to Sam. She smiled warmly at him but also sympathetically. Sam waited a little worried about why he was brought into the conversation.

"Sam, you're welcome to stay with me as well. When the case is done we'll look at if you're okay with me coming along. I don't want you to feel like I'll hold you back or that it's a bad idea." She explained thoughtfully. Sam's eyebrows quivered slightly as he smiled, he could already tell she had a big heart. "If at the end of that time you're not 100% on board then we will work it out from there but whatever your answer is we will not judge you or change our feelings for you. It is a life the both of you have already built and I don't want to come in the way of that in any way or form," She explained, smiling softly as he grinned, chuckling softly as she finished.

"I can tell already I want you around," He commented, she sighed softly, relieved by his answer.

"We'll get your final answer before you leave," She explained making him smile so that even if he did change his mind she wouldn't hold it against him or take it personally. "You want me to show you to my apartment?" She asked them both, smiling as she noticed the smirking Dean. She chuckled as she shook her head.

They started climbing out of the booth, Dean offering his hand to help her stand although she didn't need it. She accepted his hand anyway. It was simply an excuse for him to hold her hand, which he continued to do as they walked out. They walked around the diner, chit-chatting slightly about the town as Dean was already looking for food recommendations later. She smiled, indulging him in the information, pointing out the places she remembered simply because she knew Dean would love them. Sam had thought it was a heartwarming gesture as he knew it was her subconscious way of saying I Love You without words.

"This is why you're perfect," Dean chimed in. Seemingly loving that she was excited to try a takeaway place that had the meatiest and greasiest burgers he would like. Also commenting on how they do amazing pasta dishes and salads Sam would like. Dean put an arm over her shoulders and pulled her in to kiss the top of her head as they walked. She giggled as her steps fumbled slightly before resuming a normal rhythm.

They rounded the corner, the Impala in prime view of the car park. She gasped, rushing slightly to get to the car. She ran her hand over the hood. Amazed he actually had the car in the dream as she had wanted this car since she woke up. Dean smiled brightly at her excitement, approaching her as she was almost giddy. Sam chuckled a little confused but watched on, craving to see their interaction. It seemed surreal to Sam, he had never seen Dean this happy, gentle or loving.

"You actually have Baby," She gasped, smiling as she admired the car and Dean admired her. Sam admires the scene.

"Make and model," He prompted, a chuckle escaping her lips.

"1967 Chevy Impala," She explained as if it was hardwired into her brain. Her smile never faded. Dean grinned somehow recalling a time when he had made her learn everything about the car before he would let her drive it. Although he wasn't present in the dream then he seemed to know it like a distant memory. Like he had a short dream about it months ago and had simply forgotten it. He studied her expression as he pulled the keys from his pocket. She grinned, studying him slightly but as he smiled she knew he was letting her drive. She squealed, rushing to embrace Dean as he chuckled. Sam watched on, shock overloading his system. It took him ages for Dean to let him drive. Sam reminded himself that they had not just met a few hours ago and that it was weird circumstances, something he assumed he would be used to by now in this line of work. She bounced slightly as she pulled away from the hug accepting the keys from Dean and turned to Sam, her smile beaming excitedly. "Are you okay if I drive?" She asked Sam. He chuckled noticing she was hiding some excitement in case he wasn't comfortable with it.

"If Dean trusts you to drive I won't argue," Sam chuckled slightly. Holding his hands up to show he wasn't putting up a fight. She squealed excitedly before quickly kissing Dean. Sam opened the back door, crouching into the car. She smirked as she looked at Sam's closing door, a mischievous look filling her eyes. Dean smirked, his recognition of her emotions and intents still sharp.

"You probably won't remember but we had sex in and on this car," She tempted, her tone and words making Dean's mouth dry. His mind flooded as he either remembered or imagined the times. She smirked as she walked around to the driver's door.

Dean admired her the whole time she was driving, his mind was often distracted by his thoughts of her but he wiped them away. She drove them to her apartment block, inviting them into her home. They walked in, happy to be somewhere more private but a little more bare. Sam tried to hide his slightly sad smile as he looked around. It was less homely than the bunker. She simply had all she needed, there weren't any real luxuries or anything sentimental. Dean barely cared where he was as long as he was with her. They could be in hell, and he could be tortured for decades again but as long as she was okay and offering him the heartwarming smile that healed his heart, he would be happy.

Masterlist

Working On

I know @l7axr requested a smut. That will be Part 10 and skippable for those of you know don't like smut.

[loserchildhotpants]

here have an angst drabble inspired by an evil post by @sheepstiel that posited ‘you know what would be evil. dean rescues cas from the empty but cas is set back to factory settings.’ #remembers nothing... etc’ 

@sendhelpnewobsessionincoming asked to be tagged when i eventually got around to writing it

this will probably have a sequel at some point bc... pain and suffering lol

anyway

Umbra

“You need to calm down, Dean.”

“Don’t fucking start with me right now,” Dean mutters flatly, pacing crop circles into the floor; he’d usually muster more vitriol, but he’s exhausted and still half-terrified.

Jack insisted on everyone staying out of the dungeon as he rescued and healed Cas, and so, of course, Dean is directly outside the dungeon door, anxiously waiting to be let in.

For a long time there was just stressful silence, but then, after roughly three hours, he, Sam, and Eileen had heard the bizarre, pulsating sound inter-dimensional rifts make when they materialize, they’d felt the barometric pressure throughout the bunker shift, and Dean very nearly barged in, breaking his contract with Jack.

Sam’s hand on his shoulder was the only thing that reminded him of the terms of this agreement.

A peculiar torture, knowing Cas is right behind that door, and Dean still doesn’t understand why he’s not allowed in yet. 

He wanted to be there to receive Cas from the Empty, he wanted to be the first to touch Cas, to speak to him, but beggars can’t be choosers, and he can’t question Jack — not with the stakes so high, and not after it took so long to get Jack to bend.

Dean paces in angry circles for another hour, and then Jack summons Eileen — and only Eileen.

Sam and Dean are flummoxed, but can do nothing about it; the door opens, Dean sees absolutely nothing, Eileen walks through, the door is shut again and Dean goes back to pacing.

When Eileen reemerges, she looks nervously between Sam and Dean, and tells them, while half-signing, “you need to be prepared. This… isn’t going to be easy.”

“What does that mean?” Dean asks.

“The Empty took from him,” Eileen replies, face regretful, “it’s… hard to explain.”

“Am I allowed in there?”

“... be careful, Dean,” she says — and Dean wants to tell her that he’s insulted she thinks he’d be anything other than that with Cas, but it quickly occurs to him that she means with himself.

Knowing he’s allowed in now, he doesn’t bother hemming and hawing in the hall any longer — he lets himself in, Sam right on his heels, and they both stop before they’ve made it ten feet inside.

Cas’ body — vessel — is young again. 

He looks malnourished, windswept, weak, but not grotesquely harmed, as Eileen’s ‘prepare yourself,’ tone in the hall might have implied.

Swallowing the guilt that comes with seeing the evidence of Cas’ long imprisonment and torture, Dean ventures forward again, opening his mouth to greet him, but Jack intercepts him, looking at Cas and saying, “Castiel, do you know who that is?”

“This is the Righteous Man and Michael Sword,” Cas answers in monotone, “I recognize him as all Angels can. The color and sound frequencies of his soul indicate that he has divine purpose, and the engravings on the spires of his soul specify what purpose that is.”

Dean’s brought up short again.

No one says anything; Jack looks at Dean, repentant, and trying to communicate nonverbally that this is not a joke.

Dean’s not sure he believes that yet; it’s an awful joke, a bleak, horrendously un-funny joke, but no alternatives are coming to mind.

“Do you understand where I’ve brought you from?”

“You’ve told me I’ve come from the Empty, but I have no memory of this.”

“Oh… oh, no,” Sam utters just audibly.

Dean’s stomach churns, sharp and hard.

“Regret is a corrosive,” Jack explains to Cas, but also to the room at large, “the Empty uses regret, shame, and guilt, and sort of… injects all of one’s memories with it, amplifies it in the ones that already contain it, which reduces the memories to only regrets. Regret strips the memories of all other qualities, until all that’s left is the interject; the regret. Memory becomes feeling only, a reductive feeling, which makes everything smaller and smaller until…”

Jack glances up at Dean and finishes, “... well, until there is nothing left.”

There’s loud static in Dean’s head.

Jack adds, “this is how the Empty feeds. This is what it takes. It is the full power of regret.”

“I’m missing memories?” Cas asks Jack.

“Many years of them, yes,” Jack replies.

“Heal him,” Dean rasps, barely a whisper, white hot terror sparking at the soles of his feet, flickering up into all of his body as it tenses from the hairs on the back of his neck to the nerve endings under his nails.

“I cannot heal what isn’t there,” Jack responds sorrowfully, “there is nothing broken. There is — there’s nothing.”

“Why does he — look like that?” Sam asks, throat sounding thick.

“Castiel used to age his vessel’s appearance purposefully, to feel closer to the two of you,” Jack tells them, “I think, at first, it was so that a unchanging human person who does not visibly age wouldn’t alarm the two of you by how unnatural it seems — the same reason he gave his vessel vital signs and engaged in sensory processing in the third dimension. He didn’t want to upset either of you by being too… alien. Then he came to appreciate looking as though he belonged among you.”

Cas raises his hand to his jugular, and must be setting a pulse into motion, then he studies Sam and Dean for a few moments and his vessel ages rapidly before their eyes, until he looks about their age, until he’s just as he looked nearly a year ago — the way he looked in this very dungeon when the culmination of he and Dean’s shared memories were so fortified with happiness, fealty, and unwavering, unconditional love that it was enough to save the world.

He glances between Sam and Dean blankly, and asks, “is this more acceptable?” 

“He —” said he loved me - but he said he loved me. He loved me. It was the most important thing he ever said, the way he said it, what he told me... he said he loved me, he can’t have lost that, I can’t have lost that — Dean can’t say it.

No one else knows.

He and Cas were the keepers of that beautiful, terrible moment in time, but Dean’s just flashing morse code into emptiness now. 

Emptiness.

“... Dean?” Sam starts worriedly from somewhere over Dean’s shoulder.

Emptiness in his eyes, empty hands, an empty mouth with no words left for Dean; an umbra. 

Shaky legs move backward, Dean’s unsteady where he stands, and while it’s hard to look away from Cas, it’s also too painful to keep staring. All he can do is retreat.

“Dean?” Sam asks again.

Dean can’t get out of the dungeon fast enough; he shoves past Eileen and Sam, even as they shout after him; he can hear Jack’s voice in his head, apologizing so gently, full of a child’s fear that they’ve done wrong by their parent.

He can’t breathe in the bunker, he thinks he might vomit, so he rushes outside for air, and the summer storm raging there mutes his voice as he pants, out of breath from running, and then roars into the night; no particular words, just grief made audible, just another monster languishing, just the sound of suffering.

He’s bombarded — what if I’d convinced Jack sooner? What if I’d been able to figure it out myself? What if I’d grabbed Cas when the Empty first came for him and just gone with him? What if I had gotten to him sooner? Would he have any memories left? Would he have lost even more of himself had he stayed any longer? Is this why he’s so skinny? Did the Empty run out of incorporeal food and so cannibalize him? What more could I have done? I should have gotten to him sooner, I should have saved him faster, then there’d be something left, there’d be anything left —

How many times? Dean wonders as his voice crackles like dying embers, splintering and winding down in a clap of thunder, tears bubbling to his eyes, and in how many ways can he be taken from me? How many more times will I have him ripped from me? How many more times can I survive it?

When Dean lands in a sprawl in the mud, head in his hands, fingers clawing at his scalp, he feels Sam approach, he lets Sam wrap him in a hug, and he thinks to himself — I can’t. I can’t survive it. Not even once more. Not even now, I think.

[msmarvelouswinchester]

If We Love Again

Summary: Whatever problems we had back then don’t exist anymore. It’s why we have this second chance, and we can’t throw it away. -Michelle Maddow

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Y/N (Reader)

Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Reader

WC: 1942

Warnings: Angst with a happy ending. Post-canon where DEAN IS ALIVE, kinda sappy, body-shaming (not by the boys), hugs and kisses

Square Filled: Your hands are tough, but they are where mine belong ( @taylorswiftbingo )

A/N: Alright. Alright. Hello you people! Jfc, how long has it been? A lot of things happened (personal matters and fandom problems too) so I took a break. Kind of gave up writing for a bit. Then two boys - Alex and Henry (RWRB fandom, I'm looking at you) got me back to writing! And of course I had to write for my baby, Dean Winchester!

And I've also lost my taglist. So sorry for not tagging anyone in this.

Completely unbeta'd. All mistakes are mine.

“What’re you doing here?” The usual routine of the bunker had been thrown off-kilter when Y/N had appeared, looking…frazzled. Maybe a tad smile but her eyes shone with unshed tears. And she was drenched to the bones and panting like she had run a mile to get to the bunker. The man welcomed her inside, saying, “Come in first, you are fucking wet.”

The words slipped and the man’s eyes widened, expecting a snobbish remark from her about the word and its placement in the sentence but soon enough, he frowned because Y/N didn't comment on the…apparent opportunity of turning the entire conversation inappropriate. Like she always did. But today, she wordlessly accepted the man’s gratuitous welcome and headed inside the old establishment.

Once at the end of the stairs, she said, rather whispered, “Hey Dean. Can you do me a favour? I need a hug.” If Dean didn't know what heaven looked like, he would have guessed he had ascended to heaven at Y/N’s request.

Dean, who had sprinted down the steps, looked at her and nodded, opening his arms. Y/N stepped into the hug and wrapped her arms around his torso, hands finding the nape of his neck. Dean’s hands had also instantly found their shelter around her body. They stayed in the position for a while. Y/N inhaled deeply quite a few times. The unforgettable scent of cinnamon and gunpowder hitting her and she let the tears fall as she let her guard down for the first time that night and Dean’s hold around her tightened. The sobs that left her, wrecked his heart. Each wail was like a dagger to his chest. He hated seeing her sad. He rested his chin on the top of her head, the familiar smell of her shampoo gave him whiplash as the memories of…everything queued up inside his head. But he still didn't know what had prompted her to show up at her place. “Y/N, sweetheart, can you look at me? I need you to look at me,” Dean murmured, “please.”

His voice washed over her and the sobbing turned into sniffles. She sniffled against the now wet, snot-covered spot on Dean’s tshirt before her red-rimmed, puffy eyes found his worried green ones. “‘M sorry,” she whimpered.

“Hey, shh, what're you sorry for? For ruining my shirt? Oh, I'll just bribe Sammy to do the laundry,” Dean grinned but the worry never left his eyes.

“I just—Dean, I'm sorry for…s-showing up tonight unannounced…I shouldn't have…what was I even thinkin’? Dean, I’ll—uh…see myself out.” Y/N said, and fidgeted in Dean’s grip but he was reluctant to let go. Not when she had just shown up a few minutes ago and broke down in his arms.

Dean said, “Stop, Y/N. Stop. It's alright. That's what best friends are for.” Nope, not letting you go this time.

“But…” Did you forget the part where we dated and broke up and vowed to never see each other again because it would break our hearts even more?

“No buts,” Dean said, as if he could read the thoughts in her head, “Whatever happened…happened. You were my best friend and you still are. If you need me, in a heartbeat, I'll be there for you. Do you understand that?” He glanced up, Jack if this is your doin’ because I pretty much dreamed about second chances last night then thanks, buddy.

Y/N nodded.

“Now let's go sit down. I'm gonna go find Sam and let him know you're here. And then we can go and kick some asses.” Dean gently guided her to his room in the bunker and sat her down on his bed, asking if she needed anything to drink, water or beer or anything to eat, knowing all they had was pie and a greasy two-days old burger in the freezer. They really needed to stock up their fridge more now they have started to live normal lives.

Y/N, though just asked for water.

Dean winked and said he would be back in a minute. And he was, with Sam in tow who had scooped her up in a giant hug. Oh, she had missed them.

“Hi, Sam. You look…different.” Y/N giggled at Sam in his formal clothes instead of the layers of plaid she was used to seeing on him. She had heard that the Winchesters had retired from hunting but seeing them bask in their post-retirement glory was astonishing.

“Yeah, had a makeover sorta, got myself a job and everything—”

“And a girlfriend,” Dean wiggled his brows and his brother blushed furiously. In between the conversation, Dean had handed Y/N a glass of water and sat down beside her on the bed.

She sipped on the water and hummed thoughtfully, “Who would have thought? Our little Sammy, all grown up!”

And for the first since her alarmingly sudden visit to the bunker, Y/N smiled.

“Oh shut up. Enough about me. Dean said something to me about kicking someone's asses. Do we have to bring out our hunting gear?” Y/N’s eyes widened at the question.

“No! Jesus, no guns. And no violence.” She warned the Winchesters.

“Can’t promise on the violence part, sweetheart!” Dean smirked. “So what happened?”

“Honestly. I think I'm good. It was a moment of…sadness but I'm oka—”

Dean cut her off, saying, “Y/N you were wailing. That was not nothing. Come on, tell us, we swear we'll be good.”

Y/N hesitated and Sam decided to put her out of her misery, “Whatever Dean says, if you don't feel comfortable in telling us. Don't tell.”

“Oh…” Dean sighed, “Yeah, I…I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. You seriously don't have to tell us, if you're not up for it.”

“It's just not that,” she swallowed hard. It should be easy to tell them, right? They were her best friends. She took a deep breath and said, “The guy, I am…or rather was dating—” She felt Dean tense up beside her and Sam side-eyed his brother but she continued “-well, he was an asshole. A dickhead. A fucking son of a bitch.”

Sam chuckled. “That's quite a description.”

“Yeah. So I applied for this job in NYC and well…I got it—” her heart soared in her chest as she watched the brothers’ faces split into a huge grin “-but this moron of my ex-boyfriend decided to throw my insecurities to my face because he didn't want me to go to NYC.”

Now looking back, Y/N didn't know why she was sad. She was angry. No, she was pissed because how dare a pathetic little man order her around about whether or not she should work in New York. “He was worried that I wasn't too pretty for the NYC girls, that I was too soft to survive in a big city like New York—”

This time Dean chuckled. Because Y/N wasn't soft, she was a hunter. Born into a hunter family only to give it all up because she wanted a quieter life. But she knew how to fight, how to wield a gun. And she was pretty. Too pretty and even after four years of breaking up, Dean’s heart still skipped a beat when she called his name, looked at his face and he was still enamoured by her very existence.

“So I told him that I would leave his sorry ass,” Y/N’s lips trembled, “and he said it was going to be the best thing because I wasn't worth enough for him to fight for because I…I am ‘too much’ and I…I don't put an effort into being the woman a man wants, no…needs. And in that moment, I got so sad, I needed to see you. Because I missed you guys so much. I missed this where no one judged me or at least didn't use to until…well, I…yeah. So, this is how I showed up here.”

“You're always welcome here, Y/N. And I'm sorry, things haven't been…good for a few years but don't think for a second we will judge you or not let you back into our lives,” Dean’s hands had snaked back around her waist, pulling her closer while she continued, “Well, he was kinda right. Don't you think? I talk too much. Sometimes I go on a ramble. I don't watch my diet—”

“That son of a bitch body-shamed you?” Dean was seething.

“Yeah. And he said, I was too much of a work to stay with. I have always been told that I'm too much of a work but it still hurts—”

Dean said, “Well the guy is an idiot. You aren't too much of a work, sweetheart.”

Y/N, this ain't gonna work. You want me. I want you but you don't want this hunting life while THIS hunting is my life. This relationship is going to be so much of a work and with Cain on the loose, I don't think I can put that much effort in this. Y/N gave Dean a soft smile, “I don't want to bring up old memories but you also said that, pretty much four years back.”

Sam’s mouth fell open. “What the hell, Dean?”

“W-I? I was under the influence of the mark, Y/N and you knew it. I pushed away so many people. Letting you go was my biggest mistake. And I regret it because I still fucking love yo—” Dean’s mouth snapped shut.

And for the second time, Sam exclaimed, “What the hell, Dean?”

“Yo–love…what?” Y/N whispered.

Dean turned towards his brother, “Sammy.”

“Yeah.” Sam quickly stepped out of the room.

“Y/N. Letting you go was my biggest mistake and never calling you up was my biggest regret. I should have called because I still need you. And now I have this life. You know I start a new job next week? It's a construction but yeah. And it got me thinkin’ about you. Yeah. I was thinking how I fucked us over and never got to tell you the truth. I never got over us, you. I…I never wanted you to go—”

“I remember very clearly you throwing me out of the bunker and telling me never to contact you again. You know what, showing up tonight was my bigges—”

“Son of a bitch, I can't believe I'm fucking doin’ this,” Dean murmured.

“Wha–” The rest of the question turned into a squeak and Dean’s lips crashed into her. And then the thoughts crashed into him. Fuck.

Dean immediately jumped back from her. “I'm so sor—”

“If you dare to say sorry for this, I am telling Sammy to shoot you in your dick, asshole,” Y/N panted, “Fucking come, kiss me, you moron!”

“You sure? You just had a breakup and…”

Y/N looked at Dean, “I know. But Dean, I had kept loving you all along and maybe by some, heaven’s grace—”

“Jack’s grace.”

“Who’s Jack?”

“God. Well, new God. Jack had been living with us…its a long story for another time.”

“Yeah so, by Jack’s grace, maybe it's my second chance at being with you. Loving you.” Dean’s breath hitched at her words, “Your hands are tough, but they are where mine belong.”

So he walked up to her, and pulled her into a loving kiss. It was soft, eager and…just like old times.

They separated but their foreheads touched as they panted for air. “Second chance?” Dean asked

Y/N nodded, “Second chance.”

He smiled, “This time I'll leave no stones unturned to make this work. Because Y/N, sweetheart, you are worth everything.”

Oh boy, I'm kinda rusty XD

Let me know your thoughts! Comments are highly appreciated!

[incesthemes]

this moment in 2x20 is striking to me because at this point, sam and dean have effectively come to the mutual agreement that there will be no more secrets or lies between them. they've been very open and honest with each other for the past ten episodes, and all things considered, their relationship hasn't been better. so why lie here?

of course the sam dean is talking to is an alternate reality version of sam and their relationship is different in this dream world, but still. the development stands. so what this recalls to me is 1x18:

because here in this fantasy world, sam has that innocence, sam has a normal life, and sam can continue living on here without the burden of The Big Secret. real world sam wants this innocence; at least, he said as much to dean. dean understands sam as someone who doesn't want to be here and who wants to live a normal life and who is only hunting out of obligation.

and here sam is given the opportunity to live the life he supposedly does want. and dean is in the position to give it to him, to maintain that innocence and let him be happy in his ignorance. to me that's what he's doing here. he had the choice between a lie that makes sam happy and a truth that destroys him, and he chose the lie, even despite the relationship they've developed and the honesty they've achieved.

it says a lot about dean's values and how he prioritizes his duty to sam, and this informs a lot of his behaviors going forward as well. sam's happiness is key, and sam himself said that his happiness would lie in ignorance. dean chooses to honor this over honesty; it's an interesting follow-up to the conflict left hanging in the air, and it reveals much about both dean in the moment and sam in the aftermath (a perfect bridge, i think, between 1x18 and 3x08, where we learn that sam is the one who pushed dean to tell him about monsters in the first place).

so anyway, yeah—the lies that had been discarded for so long come out once more, and i love how this episode jumps straight into ahbl, juxtaposing the good-faith lie with the selfish lie, as if to say even a lie made in attempt to honor sam's wishes will erode the relationship and lead to ruin. impossible choices all around, truly.

[scoobydoodean]

You know what just really frost my cookies with the whole "Dean doesn't care as much about Cas" discourse??? That post you reblogged about how strong their relationship was in s4/s5 got me thinking about this, but like they had two seasons of such intense relationship building and camaraderie, that Dean was literally fighting Bobby and Sam (his two most important people!!!) over not trusting Cas in s6, and it was DEAN who tried to keep a relationship with Cas s6 - s8, like that man tried everything to keep their relationship going - and that's not to blame Cas, he had his own shit going on (well except for s6, I do blame him for that lol his position is understandable, but it was still his fault), but Dean tried and it still just never worked.

Maybe this is just me, but I've always kind of viewed their relationship in the later seasons as, Dean worked hard to keep them going for so long that eventually it kind of just...hit him that maybe Cas didn't want that? So he stopped trying quite as hard, he remembered the times Cas left, and he interpreted them as rejections, which is in part why the Divorce Arc happened - it was a culmination of many many MANY things, not just the "obvious". That's just my interpretation though, and obviously others have and can interpret it differently.

In summary I see it as, early seasons Dean chasing and pining after Cas, eventually feels rejected and betrayed, later seasons Cas chasing and pining after Dean

Though to be fair and admit to my biases, I was watching s6-s8 in real time on TV, and then I drifted away mid s9 and didn't go back and watch the rest of the seasons until recently, so my strongest impressions of Destiel are of those earlier seasons, so I tend to view it in a different light I think than people who started watching later (or more specifically after Nov 5th and/or for Cas - not that anything is wrong w watching for those reasons lol)

Yeah I think it is very very silly to think that Dean doesn’t care about Cas as much as Cas cares about him. Like wildly so.

I think this line of thinking comes mainly from focusing too much on one character's POV. I think Dean came off a few times in season 6 like he saw his relationship with Cas as transactional—even though that isn’t imo how he actually felt about Cas (just like we can analyze Cas as thinking of his relationship with the Winchesters as very transactional but he does care about them despite how it appears). I think Dean was just kind of hurt because Cas had ghosted him for so long and he thought they were friends and they'd built this bond? So in season 6, he was reacting to what he thought were the boundaries Cas himself set—boundaries that suggested Cas—the guy controlling the means of communication—did not want a friendship with him. Cas ditched Dean in the car at the end of Swan Song and then just invisibly watched Dean rake leaves. Dean was right there. Dean could only pray to Cas. Cas wouldn’t respond. In season 6, without giving Dean a say—while watching Dean rake leaves and considering whether to ask for his help—Cas decided (again--unilaterally) he wouldn't involve Dean, and I do think that decision was out of love, and also probably because... well—he probably thought "what can Dean actually... do?" But ultimately, he wanted a person he cared about who had been through a lot to just be able to rest—that's what he says. Not including Dean (and Sam) continued after Dean came back to hunting as well, because 1) Cas was still thinking about protecting Dean 2) He didn't think Dean could do anything to help (which I think is... probably pretty reasonable—he originally considered including Dean I think mainly for his tenacity) 3) the whole thing had ballooned and Cas was making deals he probably didn't even fully agree with himself—so he was ashamed to some extent, but also knew... he wasn't going to stop, and that Dean would ask him to stop.

Cas is... well—I'm going to say "more morally flexible"... and I don't think that's always a bad thing. This is a useful quality in the line of work TFW is in, honestly. He is more ruthless than Sam and Dean and he also knows that he is, and I think he actually likes to position himself as the ruthless one. He likes being the person who is willing to do what is necessary to get shit done and he's willing to sacrifice a part of himself to do it... because he can take it. He planned to kill Jesse behind the Winchester's backs to spare them the unpleasantness (and the same, later, with Kelly and Jack—when Sam and Dean were looking for a way to save both of them and Cas just went to go find Kelly and kill her). He broke Sam's wall and killed a very good friend—Balthazar—because his friends were standing in his way and he was focused on his ultimate purpose which was stopping another apocalypse. He mind tortured Donatello because it needed to be done. I think that Dean understands that Cas wants to position himself as the ruthless one, and I think Dean also understands that this isn't always a bad quality. I also think it's an obvious point of contention, because Dean is the least morally flexible in the group and is the most tenacious, which I think Cas, in turn, appreciates about Dean—but it is going to lead to clashes between them as best friends with one being tenacious about choosing the least morally crooked path when possible, and the other saying "Can we please just get on with it? I'll do it if you don't want to—I don't mind."

And that's... to some extent, what is happening in season 6... besides the lying and the hurt besties feelings and secrets and betrayals. The actual soul swallowing plan? It's Dean's tenacious insistence on following a more prudent path versus Cas's "Let's get the fuck on with it"... and there's fairness to both sides of that imo... which is why I'm annoyed with certain individuals trying to make this a "sides" thing. It isn't the actual plan as much as it's what he did around it that's the issue, and Dean isn't obligated to agree with him or to trust him after he lied so many goddamn times. Like. Dean's trust was not something to which Cas was entitled, point blank.

You're right—Dean didn’t think Cas would ever lie to him like that in season 6. He couldn’t believe it. He refused to believe it. And I think fans do this thing actually where they hear Cas say in season 6 that he’s always trusted Dean and he always comes when Dean calls and they just buy into that and go “Yeah! That’s so true!” and build an entire analysis on that (and then post insufferable parallels between that and 4.21 thinking they are saying something about Dean's "trust issues" when they are... making a very different parallel lmao). What Cas is saying about always trusting Dean isn’t true—and what’s more, Cas knows it isn’t. He knows suggesting Dean doesn’t trust him enough isn’t fair. When he was spying on Sam and Dean and Bobby he made specific note of “Dean trying so hard to be loyal” and defending him fiercely. (In fact—was there anyone Dean trusted more at that point in his life—despite also clearly being hurt by Cas ghosting him? Bobby, maybe. That's about it.) When Cas came back and tried to retroactively claim entitlement to Dean’s trust, he suggested an imbalance of trust because he was trying to dig into that part of Dean that is loyal to his friends. In other words, he was telling a lie for manipulation purposes, and that's just the damn truth. It isn't some crap about Dean having trust issues. It's Dean not buying some crap Cas is trying to sell—a twisted picture he is trying to paint to avoid doing something worse to get Dean out of his way.

It is insane for people to say Dean doesn't care about Cas as much as Cas cares about him though when you consider Cas hurt someone Dean loves just to keep Dean out of his way—he broke Sam's brain—Sammy's brain—and Dean still found a way to forgive that despite all of the trauma he has wrapped up in protecting Sam, and then he fought 360 degree combat through Purgatory looking for someone who abandoned him. Then while that person was beating him to death he was looking up at him calling him family and Cas again abandoned him. Any time Dean expressed affection for Cas there was a good bet Cas leaving would follow quickly. But Dean approaches Cas in a way the majority of fandom refuses to approach all of the characters—with an understanding of his motivations and hangups and intentions and what is in his heart (and Cas approaches him the same way). Despite it all, Dean knows that Cas cares about him. He doesn't understand why Cas won't include him though—or he does, and the reasons aren't okay with him and Cas will. not. stop. and that is the ever growing festering wound that leads to the divorce arc. It is absolutely 100% a "straw that broke the camel's back" situation. Dean's frustrations with Cas's unilateral decision-making are not... ever dealt with. Cas wanting to ghost Dean is not ever dealt with. Cas Malewifing sidelining Dean whenever he damn well feels like it by just refusing to answer the phone is not ever dealt with. Because each time it's discussed, it happens again. The ultimate narrative is just that Dean should be expected to accept it, and be grateful, and I don't think that's fair. I don't think that refusing to communicate is something that Dean should have to put up with from his best friend. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But more than that, I'm sad that it's something Cas isn't allowed to grow from, because that tendency—that desire for that secrecy and control of the means of communication and that desperation for martyrdom—that is coming from a place of great pain for Cas—a wound—and it's a deep one, and he deserved to get to start to close that wound up and heal.

[pascaloverx]

Sweet Love

Summary: You're an up-and-coming writer, congratulations. To protect your beloved job, you're willing to do anything. Even strike a deal with the devil, better known as your sister's neighbor. You and Dean Winchester don't really see eye to eye, but in a moment of desperation, you agree to collaborate with him for a greater good.

Author's Notes: Many characters do not belong to me but to the Supernatural Universe (2005-2020). I hope you enjoy the fanfic's story. The fanfic will contain strong language and adult content.

chapter four chapter six

CHAPTER FIVE

The following days were calm. You and Dean exchanged glances when you met in the hallway of the building where you both live. You exchanged small kisses in the elevator, and when Sam was asleep, Dean made a late-night visit to you. One interesting thing is that since you started sleeping regularly with Dean, he has spent more time without bringing strangers home. And most importantly, your new book is going smoothly. This should cheer you up, but it doesn't. Because it means that when you finish writing the steamy parts of the book, this agreement with Dean will come to an end.

"Do you think your brother doesn't suspect anything?" You ask as you and Dean are coincidentally coming back from the grocery store together. Dean has his groceries in one hand and the other on your waist. He's leaning against the elevator while you're basically leaning against him.

"Do you really want me to think about my brother now?" Dean asks, his breath brushing close to your ear, and you smile awkwardly.

"We're in the elevator. Do you have a specific topic for now? Like what we've been doing together at night?" You turn to look at Dean, who looks at you with a mischievous gaze. You lean in to kiss him. A quick kiss, but full of passion. The truth is, there's chemistry between you and Dean, and spending time with him has been a good thing for you.

"I think we should drop off the groceries at your sister's apartment and head to the car. I think there are one or two things we can do there that will be good for your writing. A confined, tight space with two people. Sounds promising." He says between your kisses, which makes you giggle. Until the elevator door opens on your floor, revealing Castiel. He and Dean lock eyes, and you don't know what to do. Obviously, you step out of the elevator, and Dean follows suit, even though he hasn't shown any reaction since he saw Castiel. Castiel looks very handsome, with an elegant overcoat and a glow aura. But his expression shows concern.

"You didn't respond to my invitation, so I thought I'd come here to see if you…" Castiel speaks softly, as if gathering the strength to face Dean. Dean then stares at him, looking angry, and you wonder if it's a good time to leave the hallway and let them talk in peace. But Dean seems to read your mind and gently holds your hand. You wonder if he did this to feel support or to hurt Castiel.

"I've been busy. Damn, actually, I haven't been that busy, but you can imagine why I didn't respond to your invitation. Who invites their ex to their wedding?" Dean responds to Castiel, basically interrupting whatever Castiel might have been trying to say. You look at Dean with a disapproving glance.

"Do you really want to discuss this in front of Y/N?" Castiel asks, and you understand him. Their relationship is their business. As much as you're sleeping with Dean, it doesn't give you the right to interfere in his personal affairs.

"Actually, Castiel, I don't want to discuss this. I thought it would be obvious that I'm not going to your wedding but since I have to say it in so many words, I won't be able to watch you get married with someone else. I'm trying to overcome the hole you left in my life. It would be better if you respected that." Castiel looks a little saddened by Dean's words but shakes his head positively.

"I just wish we could be friends. But I don't think you're ready for that. I wish you the best in the world, Dean. And it was a pleasure seeing you again, Y/N." Castiel lightly touches Dean's shoulder and after the two exchange a long look. It's as if the tension between them is building up in front of you. A crestfallen Castiel leaves, taking the stairs instead of the awkward wait for the elevator.

"You could have been more delicate with him. Maybe he just wants you two to have a healthy end to your relationship." You say and Dean looks at you a little annoyed.

"Look, even though we fuck and get along well, we're not a couple. I don't need your advice. I am able to know how I should act in any situation." Dean is rude to you, which shouldn't surprise you but it does. You try to hide that you're upset by heading towards the door of your sister's apartment. But Dean holds the door before you can enter.

"What do you want? Insult me? Treat me like you just treated the guy who stood by your side for two years, even when you looked beyond repair?" You turn around nervously and speak with some anger but the truth is that you're not lying.

"I don't want to make the same mistakes, Y/N. I'm sorry if I was too frank or even a big idiot. I just..." Dean looks at you wistfully and you feel like he must simply be hurt. Which isn't an excuse.

"At the end of the day you're right. We're not together. You should do what you do best and go fuck everyone. Maybe then you'll get over what happened to you and Castiel. And if it wasn't clear, our agreement is over." You say looking into Dean's eyes and then you push the door hard and enter the apartment. You hear Dean call your name a few times, but you ignore him. Right now, all you want is a tub of ice cream and to watch a movie.

[alaynestone]

You don’t have to post this if you don’t want. I just wanted to say I was one of those curious, openminded fans willing to entertain the idea of samjohn (mostly bc deanjohn feels so congruent with canon + there’s so much interesting meta on it that managed to convert me + incestuous households usually affect all of it’s members) but just like you said I was immediately put off by the blatant character assassination that pervades everything from fics to edits to the propaganda in that incest poll lmao.

I guess that’s the major difference - deanjohn requires little to no stretching of imagination bc it already fits seamlessly into canon, whereas samjohn almost demands ooc shenanigans to work.

I also just found the way fans talk about it nauseating for some reason, though that’s likely more of a reflection of my own personal triggers. I love digesting incest narratives, but the fetishistic angle of that blog really makes my stomach turn. That’s not a moral judgement on anyone else’s enjoyment btw! Just another reason why this ship didn’t resonate with me.

thank you for sending me this. it's clear that a lot of people feel the same way.

when i first joined fandom, the few j/s fics were straightforward evil!john non-con. not my thing, but i understood why it was written that way. then came the inexplicably popular fandom creation of "sexkitten sam" which continues to pollute the entire sam/dean fandom and of course extends to other ships too. i'm not even gonna get started on why that's "problematic" because that's not the point, it's not remotely in character. even as an exaggeration sam is not the kind of person to attempt to find agency in outward submission or objectification. he's very vocally not compromising his identity to please his family and especially john. dean is more like that so when you have sam acting like a fetishized pinterest aesthetic moodboard version of dean and dean acting like an old man from wattpad i'm understandably left squinting at the screen. then it's genderswapping sam and using that as a personality eraser because women are automatically submissive and naive and trad?

who is being converted by all this when it has nothing to do with sam, john or even dean? where is dean in all this actually? a core aspect of their family is that dean is closest to both sam and john who rarely had much opportunity to bond without him. there was a distance between sam and john throughout sam's childhood and adolescence. most of his parental needs were being fulfilled by dean even if that was never enough. their situation with their father wasn't the average one where they were simply 2 kids fighting for his attention.

for the most part j/s appears to be about "envying" dean's position in the family. it's about diminishing or straight up erasing dean and more notably about feminizing sam. either directly or otherwise. people generally seem to have big issues with the fact that sam is a man and confidently so. most of the annoying tropes in wincest fandom have this at their core. and of course in order for sam to be "the woman" dean needs to genuinely and authentically be the most stereotypical of cishet men. it's very transparent because right from the start the show poked holes at dean's performance of masculinity. it was very much the point. dean's gender issues could fill a book yet any alternative interpretation of sam and gender seeks to cast dean as the oppressive bigot who would never get it? stopping here before i get off topic but to make myself clear: in theory i respect headcanons i don't understand, but not when they spitefully exist to deny dean's depth in every possible way.

to return to my point about dean's pseudo spouse and mother position being enviable, it misses the point of how harmful john's parenting was to both of them. it's no coincidence that they both view themselves as the unfavorite. dean believes he's taken for granted, only valued for what he can give, how well he can perform his roles, how successfully he could play at being an adult even before he hit double digits. dean can't just exist and be himself while sam is uncompromisingly himself. because of that he believes john doesn't like him, never liked him, rejected him, didn't have time for him, didn't trust him enough with the family secrets, even when those secrets directly concerned him. as of season 1 he still has contempt for dean for what he views as unquestioning obedience to john and letting himself be molded by john. dean had to fight for every scrap of approval and affection and sam refused to do the same if it meant sacrificing his own needs and identity. not everyone reacts to abuse the same way and both characters are very much shaped by their different reactions to their environment. and any j/s shipper argument that is built on the idea that sam was the one john loved more is not only gleefully mocking dean's parentification but ignoring that sam being comparatively sheltered and treated like a son is yet another reason why john would not cross such a line with him. dean "gets it", dean lost mary too, dean is his partner and his confidant, dean can handle adult responsibilities, dean is loving and supportive, dean isn't making him confront his parenting failures, dean can't say no to him. like you said, it doesn't at all stretch the imagination to make j/d fit into dean's backstory. "you are not a child" - "i never was".

as i have been saying, any remotely ic exploration of j/s would have to follow both j/d and s/d. i can't believe in a universe where j/s is the only incest that happens in the family. i think a theoretical plausible j/s fic would have to not only accept but embrace its adjacency to the 2 ships that are compliant with the canon. but whether sam knows for a fact about j/d or not, there's no way he isn't severely impacted by the proximity to that relationship in a number of ways and that's a very compelling dynamic in its own right.

tldr i agree with you anon. people can read and write whatever they want but there's a big difference between incest subtext that is believable and just saying things in a way that's meant to provoke.

[spnexploration]

Collared part 12

Pairing: Dean x Reader eventually

Series summary: Sam and Dean save a woman from where she has been held as a slave by a witch. But things turn dark whenever they try to take her magic collar off, leaving them with a slave to look after and a curse to break.

Episode summary: You take matters into your own hands

Warnings: A hint at some poor past mistreatment but nothing too graphic

Word count: 1.6k

Series masterlist | Supernatural writing masterlist

Part 11 <- -> Part 13

Your master came to get you in the morning. You were happy he was back. You told yourself it was because it was clearer what the rules were when your master was around, but you also felt some strange emotions about his return.

You pushed them to the side, you still had a job to do.

You also had been very bad last night. First you fell asleep on Sam. Then your master saw you asleep on Sam, even worse. And then you had spoken to him like you weren't a slave! Your sleepy brain hadn’t caught up to what was going on, and you had become altogether far too relaxed around these brothers who let most things slide. That would never have happened with your mistress.

You were going to have to do better. No one would keep a disrespectful slave.

You didn't eat breakfast. You pushed the cushion away, then held your wrists behind your back and your forehead halfway to the ground, one of your punishment poses. It hurt, but that was the point.

“Are you feeling ok?” your master asked, picking up your untouched food.

“Yes, master.” You couldn't see his response, with your face nearly to the floor.

You followed your master with your head bowed and your wrists behind your back. You quickly dropped to your knees, again removing the cushion, and assumed the punishment position.

“Ok, what is the matter?” Your master asked, sounding a little exasperated. You must not be punishing yourself enough.

“I'm sorry, master.” You pressed your forehead to the floor.

His voice softened. “What are you doing, sweetheart?”

“Kneeling, master.”

“Why are you- look, actually, can you sit up and look at me?”

“No, master.”

“I- I didn't mean that as a question. Ok, I would like you to sit up and look at me.” You raised your forehead from the floor, keeping your wrists tightly held behind your back. You reluctantly looked into his beautiful green eyes.

“What's going on?”

“I do not understand the question, master.”

“Why are you kneeling on the floor with your hands behind your back and your head on the ground?”

“It is my punishment pose, master. Would you prefer I use a different pose?”

“Why are you being punished?”

“I was disrespectful, master.”

“When?”

“Last night, master.”

“Is this about when you woke up when I came home?”

“I fell asleep on Mister Sam, master. I was disrespectful to you. I was not in the proper position. I looked at you without invitation, master.”

“Jesus,” he said, running his hand down his face. “Who told you you needed to be punished?”

“I require punishment for my actions, master.”

“Did Sam or I say anything about you being punished?”

“No, master.”

“So you decided it yourself?”

“I require punishment for my actions, master.”

He put his head in his hands.

“Ok, new rule,” he said, looking up again. “You do not punish yourself. If you believe that you need to be punished, you tell Sam or I and we will decide. Do you understand?”

“Ye-yes, master.”

“You were not disrespectful last night. You do not need to be punished. You are allowed to fall asleep wherever it happens. You are allowed to fall asleep on one of us. You are- you are allowed to look at me!”

Nothing your master was saying made any sense.

He looked at you intensely. It was hard to withstand, but he had told you to look at him and you had to obey.

“You don't agree with me, do you?”

“N-no, master,” you said hesitantly, unable to lie to him.

“Ok, look, I'm the master, right?’

“Yes, master.”

“Right, I'm saying you're not to be punished for last night. No special poses, no pain, you can use the cushions if you want, and no starving yourself. Oh, and you don't have to call me ‘master’ all the time, either.”

“Yes, ma-sir.”

“Good girl,” he said. “How about you get your cushion back?”

You set yourself up like you normally had.

You were terribly confused.

---

“Do you think we’re going forwards or backwards if she no longer cowers from us thinking we’re going to punish her, and instead just takes matters into her own hands?” Dean buried his face in his hands.  

Sam, sitting opposite him that evening, both grimaced and laughed. You were already in bed.

“Hey, leadership material though, she saw a gap and she filled it,” Sam said.

Dean just groaned.

---

You woke in your bedding on the floor. You didn't know what time it was, but neither brother had come to get you. You weren't sure what to do. Your master had been very clear that you weren't confined to your room, but you weren't really sure what was expected of you.

Justifying to yourself that you couldn't be a good companion unless you were with the brothers, you cautiously opened your door and crept out. It felt like you were breaking a rule, even if your master said it wasn't.

You looked through the rooms you knew, but you couldn't find your master or Sam. Perhaps it was very early?

In one room, you found shiny pieces of metal on a table and a chair that was pushed out. You looked more closely. You reached out and touched a piece. You picked it up, turning it over in your hands. It was cold, and seemed to fit in to the palm of your hand. You were fascinated.

You heard footsteps behind you. “You're up early,” your master said as he walked into the room. You hastily dropped the piece you were holding and fell to your knees. He probably hadn't been able to see what you were doing from behind you, but the clatter of the piece falling would certainly have given you away.

Your master walked to the table and touched what you had been holding. He crouched down in front of you and nudged your chin up to look at him. “Do you know what this is?” he asked, holding the piece.

“No, sir.”

“Ok.” He seemed to consider something. “Sweetheart, these are all pieces of one of my guns. I took it apart to clean it.” You were shocked, you didn't know guns could do that.

“Now, I know you didn't know and I'm not angry, but Y/N, I don't want you touching guns. In fact, that's an order,” his voice turned a little firmer, “no touching guns.”

“Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.”

“It’s ok. I'm not angry and you're not in trouble. I just don't want you getting hurt.”

You didn't really know how to reply to that, so you just stuck to the default, “Yes, sir.”

“Let's go get some breakfast, hey?”

---

Your master tinkered with his car again that day. You liked it when he went into the garage, it was interesting watching his hands move and you got to stand up and watch him.

You liked it even more when he invited you to do something with his car.

This time, he showed you the car’s battery. He said if it didn’t have charge the car wouldn’t start. He showed you how to make sure it was connected, and said electricity would flow from it down the cables. He offered you to touch the cables to check they were connected, but you were too scared of the electricity. You didn’t want to be shocked like the cattle prods back at room 14.

He was chattier when he was with his car, seemingly happy to tell you all about how different parts worked. You didn’t respond beyond the odd “Yes, sir,” but he didn’t seem upset about that.

You liked watching him. Watching his calloused hands as he twiddled with things and cleaned other things. Watching the concentration on his face, and occasionally his tongue that would stick out while he did something complicated.

Sometimes his eyes would find yours, but for some reason, in the garage you were less afraid to look at him. Less afraid of being caught looking at him.

Plus, he would smile at you when he saw you looking at him, looking at his hands, looking at his car. His smile was nice.

---

“Sweetheart, I have a lot of phone calls to make,” Dean was telling you. “So does Sam. So we’re going to put on some TV for you to watch while we do these, ok?”

“I can remain quiet, sir.”

“I know you can, you’re very good at doing everything that’s asked of you. But I think it’d be better if you go watch some TV.” What Dean didn’t tell you, Sam was thinking, was that they wanted to be able to talk about you and about what had happened to you to others, and didn’t want you to hear it.

You replied your usual, “Yes, sir,” although it sounded a bit reluctant to Sam. He led you out of the room.

He opened up one of the streaming services on the TV. He’d set it up with some of the parental controls, blocking anything too mature. He handed you the remote and encouraged you to flick through the menus, to see if there was something you wanted to watch.

He was looking at you, not the screen, when your expression changed. “I- I think I know this,” you said quietly. He grinned, he hadn’t expected you to find something you remembered. Maybe this was part of the key to getting you to remember your life without the collar?

“Great!” He said. “Do you want to watch it?”

“Umm, yes,” you said, sounding a little braver than normal.

He turned to the TV to see what show you’d picked, and his ears went pink. He liked that show too.

Gilmore Girls.

.

.

.

@malindacath

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[entropic-saudade]

Also can we just talk about The Implications from when Jack says “I wanted mankind to make their own fate. No interference from anywhere, no exceptions”?

Without interference, Sam’s world could’ve been destroyed too. Even if Sam and the other living hunters would’ve copped onto the danger eventually, because the Akrida needed to be killed by something not from earth, then their chances would’ve been slim (of course, they could’ve gone to Purgatory or Hell or used the HunterCorp versions or Apocalypse versions of the people that may have still been down there —unless Jack put them back — in order to find a suitable weapon, so it’s possible they had a better chance of not getting destroyed compared to other worlds). We know this, bc Dean says it next as his reasoning for meddling.

That fact is why Dean and Baby were vital, even when the core four did most of the work throughout the season to make their own fate after Dean set the ball rolling in The Winchesters. Dean needed to interfere in order to save all the worlds.

And in doing so, isn’t Dean making his own fate?

Or do you only get to make your own fate if you’re alive? (In which case, Heaven isn’t quite as free as it claims to be).

Are you only considered part of mankind if you’re alive? (Ouch. The person who throughout the show, at least to Cas, has been humanity’s representative (“He’s in love… with humanity,” “I loved everyone because of you”) and one of its saviors is no longer considered to be part of that?)

Thinking outside of “Chuck won”/“Jack is corrupted by Chuck/god power” theories, it’s possible that since Jack is still pretty much a kid (he still can’t tie his shoes 😭) he just doesn’t understand the nuances or full implications of the rules he’s trying to implement. He doesn’t understand that without Dean’s interference those worlds— even a world with people he cares about on it— may have been lost. He doesn’t understand that not doing anything to save those worlds is a bad thing (abstaining from action is not a neutral choice, it aligns one with the oppressor (in this case, the Akrida, and thus Chuck) in situations where one otherwise has the power to help). He’s trying so hard to maintain peace and order, to not repeat the mistakes of his grandfather and father, that he’s tragically still missing the point. It’s a lot of responsibility and power, and the only existing guidebook on how to wield it is basically trash so he’s having to make stuff up as he goes too. Which is terrifying and stressful and things would work so much better if people just stayed in the lines he’s drawing.

A large part of early SPN was focused on how God (and by nature, all gods, fathers, & makers) seemingly left. No prayers answered, no signs, just radio silence. His absence was the impetus for a lot of major events— the angels gunning to get the apocalypse started and over with bc they wanted some peace too; the angel civil war after they averted the apocalypse and Cas subsequently swallowing Purgatory for power, going mad, and unleashing the leviathan; Cas inadvertently causing the angels to fall in the struggle for power after Naomi and Metatron’s manipulations, Metatron making himself God, the factions that arose from fallen angels; Amara being released and yelling to be heard. God being absent, and being seemingly hands-off, didn’t work.

[For now I’m not even going to dissect how Chuck claims he left because ‘helicopter parenting’ didn’t work, and that him leaving was okay because humanity made it— because it had Sam and Dean. But then we see him later (and in actuality throughout the show) just trying to repeat the same narrative patterns he already wrote— Isaac and Abraham, Cain and Abel, etc for the sake of the story when it’s revealed he does interfere]

The late seasons posit that in actuality the issue was that God interfered too much, both by writing the overall narrative and with all the times he interfered (writing himself in as Chuck, resurrecting TFW countless times, anything he did to make a good story— and specifically, with his actions toward the end— killing Jack, raising Hell, snapping everyone away and trying to make his ending happen).

Jack only knows or has only experienced the latter— with the exception of Cas not being there after he was born and his short-lived experience of being separated from a father figure in that way, he hasn’t had to experience what Cas, Sam, Dean, humanity and the angels experienced for centuries. [This to me would’ve made leaving the deleted scene from 15x19 where Jack prays to Cas but gets no answer more poignant if they left it in— Jack knows what praying to no one feels like, what that pain and confusion is like]. Especially since Jack was just able to wake Cas up from the Empty anyway, and evidently pull him back out unseen in the finale, compared to everyone else he hasn’t had to experience the early seasons absent god/father struggles. He doesn’t understand that interference from on high isn’t always a bad thing in terms of where it gets humanity; the issue was that Chuck did it as entertainment, toyed with them and forced them through all this for a story. The solution then, is to just try to get Jack to understand the nuance and help with the rules and reign (which we see here a little bit, when both Dean and Bobby explain why Dean interfered and Bobby vouches for him, so Jack allows it, giving him the Colt. He still wants to put Dean back in the Heaven box but again, he’s just trying to hold things to gather and it would be a lot easier if everyone would stay where they were put).

But it shouldn’t be solely up to Jack to bear that weight.

Over and over the show has shown us that any single person trying to dictate how Heaven should be run or trying to fill that space — be it Chuck himself, or a well-meaning Cas, or Raphael, or Naomi, or Metatron, or Lucifer— doesn’t work. Over and over the show has shown us that what does work is when people work as a team— team free will, both versions; any time they rally all their allies to unite against a force bigger than they are; every version of found family on the show. Every time a hunter helps another. (Something The Winchesters emphasizes too.) Any time they win — whether it be finally killing Azazel, stopping the apocalypse, stopping the leviathan, or Amara, etc— although it’s usually one of the boys that does the final act, they never get there on their own. It always takes the help and teamwork from friends and foes alike to get there.

Although Amara wasn’t always great (blame her early attitude on Chuck), she brought up a good point about how ruling should have been about balance— not a single point of view or dictatorial narrative, but at the least two of them, working in tandem. Although Chuck absorbed Amara and Jack took in Amara when he took Chuck’s power, this balance still isn’t something we necessarily got to see onscreen in either show. It would be nice to see Amara out and let her help, along with getting visual confirmation that Cas is there and helping too, and it’s not just Jack.

If you do look at the situation from a ‘Chuck won/corruption’ theory, however, then the implications are far more sinister— Jack doesn’t want Dean or anyone interfering, meaning those worlds including Sam’s would’ve been destroyed. Interfere, and risk getting cast out of Heaven— and away from where you got the chance to meddle in the first place. He’s choosing to not interfere because on the surface it makes him look like a better, changed God, but I reiterate: abstaining from action is not a neutral choice, and in a situation where he literally has the power to do otherwise, it aligns him with the villain— the Akrida, and thus Chuck. So nothing has really changed, underneath. Mankind makes their own fate but only within limited parameters set up by Chuck, making it a rigged game. It’s a no-win scenario. Dean has to go back to the box of Heaven, where despite his family being down the road from him he still feels driven to seek out a universe where his family had a shot at a happy ending. Dean is made to go back to where Carry On was playing, where he no longer gets to pick the music. (In. What. World. Would Dean pick that cover of Wayward Son. 💀)

Either way, whether Jack is actively corrupted by Chuck, or if he just doesn’t really fully understand what he’s doing, Jack needs a little help in running Heaven and the multiverse. Dean should be allowed to be part of that help. We should get to see Cas be part of that help. We should get to see Jack change a little more, to have more nuanced understanding and flexibility.

And we should get to see that more in Season 2 if the show is renewed.

[fallingintolife]

Shopping Surprises

Request: omg i don't know if requests are still open,  but could you possibly do sam winchester going out shopping with his s/o for fun since they're usually too busy hunting and they somehow drag dean along too and are just carrying all of their stuff around please? i think it would be so funny and chaotic 😭

Summary: Shopping trips are not Dean's cup of tea however this one would probably be the best ever after he figures out why you were all there in the first place…

Pairing: Sam Winchester x reader, Dean

Warnings: Seriously none. Just all the friggin' fluff

Word Count: 544

A/N: Anon! I'm sorry this took me a bit to write…it's not my best but I hope you enjoy it 💕 sending all the love and hugs! 💕

"Remind me why I'm here again?" Dean asked with a huff, adding another bag on his arm as they headed to the next store. Sam rolled his eyes but you just smiled trying not to laugh.

"Because we needed to go on a supply run and Y/N needed to pick up a few things."

"Nope, yep got that. Still don't understand why I was dragged along. She's your girlfriend, Sammy, carrying her bags is your job." Sam shot him his classic bitch face. You rolled your eyes.

"I'll make you pie when we get home okay? I just need to grab a couple more things and then we can head home. I'm just gonna stop in this store really quick and I'll meet you both at the car." Dean was gone before you even finished your sentence which honestly just made you laugh, rolling your eyes. "Go follow Dean just to make sure he doesn't drive off without me please?" Sam chuckled but nodded and gave you a peck on the lips.

After five minutes you finally got to the Impala and we're putting your bags in the backseat with you.

"Jeez, Y/N, what were you buying in there?"

"Dean." Sam warned. With a roll of his eyes he turned to say another sassy comment when he noticed something poking out of your bag. His eyes immediately went wide, as did yours when you saw what he was staring at. You subtly, yet sternly shook your head at Dean, praying to Cas he wouldn't say a word.

"Dean, could you stop pestering my girlfriend and drive?" Dean cleared his throat and drove home without a word.

As soon as you all got back to the Bunker and San had brought most of the bags back to y'all's room was when Dean cornered you.

"So…?" You bit your lip hesitantly.

"I'm pregnant." You'd be lying if you said you weren't nervous about what Dean's reaction would be. You and Sam had told Dean a few months back that you were trying to get pregnant and his reaction wasn't exactly…pleasant. He lectured you both about how you both could raise a child while being hunters which was when Sam had told him that you both would be leaving the hunting world whenever you did have a child and that was a whole nother can of worms.

You stood there nervously watching Dean, hoping that he wouldn't ruin this moment for you and Sam. He was looking down, stone faced when he mumbled something and then repeated it but louder.

"I'm gonna be an uncle. I'm gonna be an uncle!" The amount of relief you felt in that moment as Dean grinned at you, pulling you into a tight hug meant everything. You giggled and nodded with tears in your eyes.

"Yeah Dean, you're gonna be an uncle."

"Wait. Does Sammy know?" Dean let go of you and turned around seeing Sam walking in holding a shirt that said "Super Dad".

"It was positive?" He asked softly. You grinned as happy tears fell down his face. Sam picked you up and spun you around as a laugh full of joy filled the Bunker.

"I'm gonna be a dad. We're gonna be parents."

"And I'm gonna be an uncle!" Dean pulled you both into a hug. 

[twochildreninamoteldemo]

im gonna vent in your askbox i hope thats alright, but genuinely deangirls who are also hellers are so. delusional. like even if someone doesnt "ship" wincest like... incest is a theme of the show? like you cannot meaningfully do analysis of the wincest show without talking about wincest. and when hellers try to make every moment about destiel (even when it would be more apt to talk about wincest, like in the siren episode!!) it just. frustrates me so bad. i feel like samgirls + wincesties have a better understanding of the themes of the show (esp s1-5) like. genuinely.

ok to be frank, i wasn't originally gonna post this and just let it sit in my inbox/be deleted and you got your vent and etc. but i'm gonna use it to push back a little in places i'm frustrated with the wank in this fandom. i'm sorry that it's your ask, anon, that prompted this--i have nothing against you, and completely understand your frustration. however.

(btw, in good faith, i'm going to take your usage of "hellers" to be like extreme destiel-only shippers, not chill destiel shippers, as per the original meaning of the term. also note that everything i say here is based on my experience of the FIRST FIVE SEASONS, aka core spn.)

i agree that incest is a big theme of the show--or i should say, incest subtext. there is no actual incest between the show's main family (aka the winchesters) aside from mary's demon deal. is this due to the network? is this due to kripke's creative vision? we'll never know. it can't be ignored within a full analysis of the show, but to say that one can't have meaningful analysis of the show without discussing the incest subtext ignores the conversation that supernatural has with masculinity/gender, american folklore, race, class, etc--whether these conversations are done well or not. i'm not saying you are doing this, but there is a tendency of wincest shippers, as with destiel shippers, to focus solely on sam and dean's relationship, as if there is literally nothing else that matters in the show, which is just blatantly false and prevents people from having a fuller understanding of the show, just as wincest shippers claim to be frustrated about.

and the other thing is that yes, while i do feel that wincesties (using this broadly to also encompass the entire winchester family) have a better understanding of the show than those who don't engage with the incest subtext, i don't actually think that samgirls or deangirls better understand the show over one another. i know i jokingly make posts about this, but it's mainly out of frustration with the dean-centric hellscape that is what the spn fandom is. the true fact of the matter is that it doesn't matter who your favorite character is, it just matters the way in which you understand their motivations and engage with that. i'm sometimes critical of dean because i love him, but i think a lot of the stuff he does gets glossed over by both the fandom and the show, while sam does enough self-bashing on top of the bashing canon already gives him, resulting in a fandom who, when combined with ignoring him in favor of destiel, doesn't choose to engage with the text critically and question why the narrative repeatedly slams sam but praises dean, when they both are complicated people. but i don't think that means you have to necessarily be a samgirl to fully understand the text. especially if you're ignoring dean's plights and positioning of victimhood/survivorship (as sam is too) because he's just not your favorite character. imo it makes someone just as short-sighted.

[spnyouresostupid]

In this essay I will...

Surprise this time there actually is an essay lol

In ‘It’s a Terrible Life’ Dean Smith (Dean Winchester with no memory of hunting) is queer coded. We see him drinking oat milk in a latte he made with the espresso machine he owns. He has a very definite sense of style, and due to a line of dialogue is revealed to be a fan of Project Runway. He cares about how he looks and is self-conscious enough about his desk job making him put on weight that he is shown be on a very specific diet for the duration of the episode. 

I know what you’re going to say (especially those of you born after 2000); you’re just stereotyping him, men are allowed to like all of these things, and you would be right...but we’re talking about film making and visual short hand and with that comes a lot of history.

Queer coding vs. Queer baiting

Queer coding became necessary in the Hayes Code era, writers and directors wanted to include LGBTQ+ but it was literally forbidden. So queer coding came to be, where the film makers wouldn’t be censored as long as it wasn’t explicit text or too obvious in subtext(or if they were a villain but queer coded villains are an essay for another time).

Ultimately queer coding in those days was actually positive and subversive to the puritanical rules of the golden age of movies. So they were trying to make the queer characters as identifiable as possible without being overt, and it would make sense to either focus on or exaggerate more obvious queer traits. The short hand over time became - queer man acts “fruity” or feminine and queer women act butch or masculine. (I’m going to focus on queer men for relevancy)

Visual short hand is necessary for effective film making, and by the 70′s these ideas were deeply ingrained in the industry even though the Hayes Code was abolished. It was expected that audience would know that femme or ‘girly’ men meant gay; and they did. These stereotypes have been challenged in recent years (most of the progress has been made in the last 10 years, if I’m honest).

This is where queerbaiting comes into play. Queerbaiting is not the same thing as coding. Coding was subversive and rebellious in the face of those who wanted to control and censor film makers. Baiting is putting the coding into a character in a time when there’s no reason not to make the character explicitly queer. Whereas coding was made to include queer people in spaces they were being pushed out of, baiting is purposely excluding queer people because the film/tv makers are more afraid of the possibility of losing money than to make their work more inclusive.

Queer coding and visual short hand of queer people are essential to understanding why a viewer might declare a character queer even if it’s never explicitly stated and understanding how queerbaiting is detrimental by denying the audience the truth of what the coding promises.

Now that we’re all on the same page I will say again; Dean Smith is Coded gay/bi.

Yes all the examples as to why this would be true are stereotypes, but  those stereotypes were still the visual short hand standard at the time this was filmed. So Dean Smith has been coded as queer by an industry that very much understands everything I just went over...but he is never explicitly stated as queer which creates a queerbaiting situation. That’s nothing new to Supernatural but it does raise an interesting question:

Why code Dean Smith as gay/bi at all? 

They don’t do the same with Sam, he seems to be just as hetero as he is for the rest of the show. This question becomes even more intriguing and baiting when Zack tells Dean(when he’s back to normal) that all he did was remove Sam and Dean’s memories and plunked them in this office building with vague backstories. So...

What is the point of coding Dean Smith as gay/bi? 

Given the precedent set by the rest of this show it was surly not to defy stereotypes- this show loves troupes and stereotypes. I can only conclude that the writers thought it would be funny because light homophobia was very accepted in 2009 but....

Inadvertently what the writers/director(possibly Jensen) have done, is imply that there is some part of Dean Winchester that IS queer. That whatever same sex attraction that Dean has, was repressed by his neglectful drill sergeant father. Without that, and raised by (the far superior) Bobby and Ellen and free from hunting, this Dean is allowed to be queer. He’s allowed to be ‘softer’ and show interest in things that might be seen as feminine. 

This episode begs me to see Dean Smith as gay/bi and then expects me to believe that there is no queerness in Dean Winchester even though they’re both the same person. That is a suspension of disbelief that even a show about ghosts and monsters can not ask the audience to swallow. It’s just too much.

TLDR; Dean Smith was queer coded as a joke, but by the rules in universe it means that Dean Winchester is also queer 🙃

[deanstudies101]

4x10, Heaven and Hell

[mid-season finale]

Critical theory: Doubt, disobedience. Fathers. Secrets and confessions pt. 2 [Dean]. The handprint <3 Perfectly normal reactions. 

Discussion point/question(s): What do we think about the heaven/hell positioning of Sam and Dean? 

Key quotes: Dean, “How I feel… This… inside me… I wish I couldn’t feel anything, Sammy. I wish I couldn’t feel a damn thing.” 

Further reading: 

Perfectly normal reaction to seeing your buddy kiss a girl (@bloodydeanwinchester)

Discussion: 

[I love the one perfect tear as much as the next man, but. Damn I love to see Dean sobbing.]

John is God confirmed. 

Dean wants to be an angel—Anna says angels can’t feel anything. She wants to be human, to feel. He wishes he couldn’t feel anything. 

Dean/Anna, the handprint, destiel. Iga, “This is just a loaf of bread.” Me, “Buddy, this is nothing. We’re just preheating the oven.”* 

[I looked up when Cas was supposed to leave.] [They gave a lot of Anna’s stuff to Cas. Dean and Anna just fucked on screen. So.] So obviously Dean and Anna would’ve had significant romance. And they took her out of the show and replaced her with Cas. And then… Well. [I think certain plotlines, ie. the finale, would’ve been less impactful if it had been Anna. We’ll discuss.] Did Jensen have a say in this character switch, was it partially because of their chemistry? 

[We’ve discussed that demons are camp. I mentioned in the episode that angels are homophobic.] It’s giving disney villain. Was flamboyant demons an acting or writing choice? Was homophobic angels a response to this? Iga, always imagined demons as very emotional, very chaotic (Vampire Diaries vampires, bpd), and angels as stoic, not giving a shit about humans etc. And this… is kinda that? [I’m talking about Paradise Lost, of course. Lucifer is emotional, emotionally driven, persuasive etc. He convinced a whole chunk of the host of heaven to fall.] They have to be like that for it to make sense! 

We’re seeing how humans become demons. They get tortured until they break and start to torture, and we can assume that leads them to becoming demons… so what happened with Lucifer? Did he fall, become human, and then go through this process? Or did he go straight to hell, and go insane because he was alone? [I just read them Paradise Lost Book 1 242-263 aka my favourite bit.] 

Ruby is a real one. She literally put herself through torture for that plan. They love the alliance, the relationship between her and Dean. A lot of feelings

Ruby understands Dean in a way that Sam doesn't. They exchange looks that Sam doesn’t get. He doesn’t feel the need to put up the protective wall, to protect her. He doesn’t need to parent her. And she sees him. And maybe Dean sees her in a way Sam doesn’t, they’ve both had the hell experience, and maybe he respects the fact that she would’ve been in hell much longer than he was. Iga, “Sam doesn’t see Dean and never will, because Dean is his mummy.” And this isn’t an attack on Sam, he’s religious and has a lot of guilt about himself and him and Ruby, and now he knows the angels kinda sucks maybe he’s looking for something to fight for. He sees demons as evil—he trusts her and doesn’t consciously see her as evil—but he does see demons this way, so he has a lot of shame. 

Re: the sex scene. Dean is intimate and soft and… always on the bottom. 

Julio, maybe I’m jumping to conclusions, but if Sam is the antichrist, Dean is the new Jesus. He’s destined to go to heaven. He masks it in his dedication to his job, but he is sad at the state of the world, and mourns what is going on. Ying to Sam’s yang, which makes him the new Jesus, which is why he has to be kept alive, because that is his purpose. Kai’s addition, Jesus doesn’t have a good time on earth. He suffers. He dies on a cross because God told him to. Deancore. Julio again, Dean has all the elements to be Jesus. 

Anna, even as a two-year old human, was terrified of God. She was convinced he would kill her—and eventually the angel’s orders were to kill her. The demons love Lucifer, they’re excited for him to rise, they worship him in a “chill Christian kinda way.” That’s embarrassing for the angels actually. How is God the good guy? He’s not. He’s a dick. Even outside of the ~they just obey, they follow orders, kill humans, kill their own kind. This child was so scared of her father. [I would like to add, though. A lot of demons didn’t believe Lucifer really existed, he was ~just a story told in demon Sunday school. Whereas the angels truly believe all their orders are coming from God. Does that change things? Is it not easier to love something whose presence you don’t feel as much?] If you know someone better, you see their flaws more.  If Lucifer is just an ideal in their minds, they can project on him. However, it seems like Lilith knows Lucifer in some way? And she’s terrifying. So. Not a good reflection on Lucifer.

Re: heaven/hell positioning. Kind of on the nose. Can’t infer much from it literally, Sam having demon blood, Dean saved from hell, Dena is Sam’s guardian, he fucked an angel. Julio, “angels have an affinity for Dean.” Demons have plans for Sam, angels have plans for Dean. But, before the angels and demons got this involved, Sam was the pious one, Dean was the ‘sinful’ one. So a nice reverse. 

[Cas is autistic. He just stands there like (does the Kubrick stare)] Julio, I feel like he’s not really looking in the eyes though. [The thing is, often when he’s talking to people he’s like. Looking around. But with Dean it’s. Full on intense eye contact. Obsessed.]

Mid-season finale—finale predictions. Iga, Angels will be in the finale. Something about Dean’s time in hell, losing touch with his humanity, he doesn’t want to feel anything, he was transitioning into a demon. Kai, Big clash between heaven and hell. Lucifer is gonna get out, and now God is back too. Lucifer and God have some kind of face off. Julio, Sam and Dean need some time apart, they’re going in different directions. Kai, ohh, maybe Sam and Dean fight each other. Iga, Sam, or someone, comes up with a plan to make both sides fight each other again. Maybe Dean has to choose between his brother and someone else to save. Kai, Dean 1v1 Lucifer. Iga, Ruby gets in a predicament, and they have to sacrifice something to save her. Kai, maybe Dean has to die again… following the Jesus route. Iga, no, it’s Sam’s turn, he’s demon Jesus, and he gets reborn slightly more demon. But we’ve already done ‘came back wrong’. 

Star student: Julio, antichrist/Jesus analysis. Also commented mid-episode that maybe Sam’s powers come from drinking Ruby’s blood. This was ignored by everyone. Good job king. [Iga is annoyed by this because apaprently she knew but didn't say it because it felt too obvious.]

Notes: Visiting student Julio. 

*the trail of breadcrumbs is just entire loaves of bread / "the bread we made on supernatural" post (@tiktaalic), which I reference almost daily with lines such as "there's no such thing as bread" and "wouldn't it be crazy if bread was real" etc. etc. a very common tag on my main

[dotthings]

This was the strongest episode so far and I have a lot to say on our five main players and that doesn’t even cover all the things I’d like to talk about but for now here’s thoughts on Lata, Carlos, Ada, John, and Mary. With notes on Sam, Dean, John, and Mary too.

This series stands beautifully on its own, it's also a reflection on the mothership, as well as on itself.

Lata

Mary says that Lata’s parents died a few years ago, but Lata leaves a message for “Mom” with whoever it is she talks to back home. Is Lata estranged from her parents and kept that a secret, or is whoever she talks to back home, who is knowledgeable about the supernatural, uh, in contact with Lata’s mother in the afterlife, what’s happening there, I have questions. Lata, who is so gentle and so smart and a very warm, positive presence in the group, carries a layer of sadness in here and in this ep we start to learn a hint on why. There’s going to be a lot to unpack on Lata as this unfolds. On top of those spoilers about her facing the blood on your hands side of hunting, outside her bookish ways.

What was going on with Lata, Mary, and John in this ep. The scene about going to the movies could be read two ways. Lata may have been trying to play matchmaker for her friends John and Mary. But the way that played, it also can look like Lata was trying to ask John to the movies, and John picked up the ball and asked Mary to the movies, and struck out, and then Lata commiserates for him. I dunno. But I get the feeling Lata would not at all mind if John asked her out for a movie date.

Carlos

Carlos is the most self-accepting in the group and he seems to find the joy in hunting, in a way that contrasts to John’s fervor for the kill. It’s like…Carlos is the light side of that coin and John is the darker side, they both relish the physicality of it. But Carlos isn’t about using the kill as therapy. For him it’s about the dance, the thrill, of jousting with monsters and demons and his favorite weapon is a water pistol filled with holy water. While I’m very sure Carlos can get his machete on, Carlos approaches hunting like he does everything, sex, music, clothes, relishing life. “The only thing worse for a hunter than how it starts, is how it ends.” So he’s going to get the most out of everything and find the joy all he can. He’s worried about Ada, who is dancing with dark forces. Carlos understands sometimes you have to get your hands dirty in hunting but you don’t want to lose yourself and I think it’s not so much just the dark forces that worry him, he’s worried about Ada herself, losing herself.

Ada

You can force a demon to posess a plant??? This is a new thing to the spn universe right? I don’t remember hearing about that before. And it’s a torture for the demon. I’m really enjoying this. How many hunters know about this trick, can it only be done by someone studying witchcraft? How many demons are out there, stuck in plants. I’m pausing for a moment on the comedy gold on the thought of Crowley or Meg being put into Monstera Deliciosa or a spider plant and when they got out oh damn they’d be PISSED.

I’ve said Ada is a badass and her badassery is even scarier because she does this so quietly, it’s not beheadings and punching, there’s something inexorable and calm about her ruthlessness. She fights with magic and knowledge. Ada and Lata are reflections of each other, but different, like John and Carlos, Lata relies on knowledge, and she uses magical objects (like the box), but Ada is immersed in magic. Both Ada and Lata are very warm, empathetic presences in the group. I wonder if Lata will eventually show a streak of Ada’s cool ruthlessness, to do whatever has to be done, or if Lata, while being capable of a darker side, is going to remain softer. Ada has a big heart. But she has dangerous edges.

John

John the beheader. He’s definitely the hitter of the monster club, just behind Mary, but I feel like so far he’s even more eager than Mary for that role. Along with being flip side of coin mirror with Carlos, Mary and John are flip side mirrors, in that Mary and John are both the hitters, the muscle, but John really sticks out on the kill being his thing. Mary is more about the punching. His therapy is beheading monsters and getting drenched in blood. Mary’s is the physicality of a knuckle-bruising fight. We’re also seeing in this ep John spiraling a bit into some familiar and Winchester-family like notes, with Mary in danger, his franticness about not losing her, the tunnel vision. Which we see in his sons, and it wasn’t just Sam and Dean for each other. We’ve seen each of them get there for other people too. It’s that fear of loss that eats the Winchesters men from the inside out. And Mary is John’s favorite person, that’s obvious. But young John isn’t as tunnel visioned as older John winds up being. And we’re seeing aspects of John that are the good parts of Sam and Dean. John connects well with the frightened little boy.

It’s almost ironic John was the one trying to talk Mary down from her somewhat heedless spiral about saving the kids at all costs, including to herself. John of all people. We also get to meet his ex-fiance Betty, and they still care about each other, but that love story seems to have ended. People love more than one person in their life. That was an interesting note for John, though. That there was someone before Mary he envisioned spending the rest of his life with. Maybe Betty was his person for who he was then. Mary fits more with his broken places and who he is now.

John also clearly cares for all his friends, and there’s that closing scene with John and Lata, where we see his empathy again. After his Mary-focused spiral, he is mindful about Lata’s sadness. Which ties back to the themes of Dean’s narration in this ep. You need your friends and your family.

Mary

“If I don’t hunt, I don’t know who I am.” My heart cracked on that line. I love how this series is just going right for the throat on mothership themes, from a different kind of angle.

Mary, whose parents put a knife in her hands before she was old enough to hold it.

Mary, who has the drill sergeant dad who plays it his way or the highway.

Mary who hasn’t had a chance to breathe, to think about what she wants if she’s not a hunter.

There’s Sam parallels in her need to escape to get out, but Sam knows what he wanted to do if he didn’t hunt. And Sam doesn’t just wistfully poke at it or express it in a moment of crisis, Sam actually goes, when he’s around Mary’s age. He gets out for a while and pursued a different career goal, finds big love.

There’s a lot of Dean in this. While Dean loves hunting (in the way Carlos does, not in the way John does), and Dean finds purpose and satisfaction in it, Dean has also expressed his hatred for it a few times, the trauma, the misery, the exhaustion. I think more in the early part of the mothership does he outright express his resentment of it, but in the latter part of the mothership, there’s more about Dean actually getting in touch with who he is beyond it, without him quitting hunting. Finding those other things inside his hunting life.

One of Dean’s arcs is about self-acceptance and I think that included hunting, ultimately. To see it not as a trap but a calling and he realizes he is doing it eventually because it’s meaningful to him, not because his father was bellowing in his ear. He finds the meaning in it. Dean had throughout the mothership run that poignant touchstoning on what else he could have been, what does he dream about. He likes fixing cars. He wanted to be a rock star. He thinks about toes in the sand.

Dean, who had John the drill sergeant telling him he had no worth or purpose, no job other than look after his little brother and be a hunter.

“If I don’t hunt, I don’t know who I am.”

However Dean is a bit like Carlos in that he never lost himself to that degree. He has a sense of identity, inside the hunting life, which parallels with Carlos.

Mary otoh…she is very very lost.

This puts some perspective, another layer, on resurrected Mary. Who, as we found out, was sneaking out to hunt even after Dean was born. And who was very very lost after she was yanked out of Heaven. Instead of reconnecting with her sons, she had to distance herself. And resurrected Mary felt a very strong pull towards hunting.

[emiliosandozsequence]

Your choice of SPN character has been hit with a curse of Endless Chatter. Write one run-on sentence of dialogue for them (until your own stream-of-consciousness runs out!).

Sam Winchester - s8 finale

A confession. I have a lot to confess, don't I. More than most anyway. I mean, how many people can say they started the apocalypse. Granted, I guess I stopped it too, but not before a lot of people had already lost their lives, lost loved ones. And that's on me; that's something I can't ever take back. I'm the one that chose to trust a demon and drink her blood. It doesn't matter the rest of the details that led up to the final decision to open the gates of Hell. If I'd just been smarter, it wouldn't have happened.

And that's what matters.

If I'd been smarter, I would've known Ruby was planning to free Lucifer. Hell, if I'd been smarter, I would've listened to Dean in the first place and not trusted her at all. I would've shot her with the Colt in that motel room in the first time she showed her black eyes to me in Cicero. But I didn't, and, again, that's what matters.

That isn't even all I've done.

I've failed the world and, indeed, those I love most more times than I can count. I might be able to forgive myself if they were able to forgive me, but it's evident from how things always get brought up that they haven't and, at this point, probably won't. I can hardly blame them because I understand where they're coming from. I can't say I would be too forgiving myself in their position. I mean...would I really have been able to forgive Dean if he'd gone off to college at eighteen and left me alone with Dad? Maybe that's why Dean's still so mad about that: not becaus I left for college, but because I left for college and he was still with Dad. He'd never admit it, though. He'd never say outloud that Dad was anything but a saint to him. He forgets I was there. He forgets I know differently. He forgets I experienced it too. And maybe that's why I can't forgive myself either. Why everything else I've ever done to wrong him - or that he's perceived as me wronging him - has hit both of us so hard: because I know what I did by leaving him behind with Dad. So that's my greatest sin, I guess. Every time I let Dean down. Every time I ran from him when I should have stayed. Every time I chose myself instead of him when he's chosen me every time he's ever had to make any choice ever. And, really, how can I forgive myself? How can I look myself in the mirror and grin at my reflection knowing all that? Knowing that it effects Dean enough that he still brings it up to this day? Could you? If I'm honest with myself, I don't know if I ever will. I don't know if I even can. But I suppose this can be a start. I can make this confession and finish these trials and do better every day to show Dean how sorry I am. How much I won't let this happen again. Maybe then he can heal. Maybe then he can forgive me too. And if I can't forgive myself, then, well, this is the next best thing.