#i go back and forth about whether i should Get Professional Help but like idk i dont think that would do anything

[isdalinarhot]

man ive been drinking at new levels of Drinking Alone like not only am i physically alone but im also not making bad posts or talking to friends or any of that. im straight up just sitting in my apartment getting drunk with the precision and focus of a nasa astronaut doing. space math. or something, maybe having dinner if i can manage it, and then sitting down to work on my fic and writing a bunch of shit that is both incoherent and fucking unusable that i most nights have to just straight up cut anyway when im sober working on the fic the next day. fucking depressing.

[resmarted]

I do feel like my empathy levels are at like a bizarrely high level that should probably be utilized in some professional atmosphere and i do miss reading for people but idk if it's my Calling as much as it is something I just happen to be able to do. I worry that the community of professional spiritualists is such a weirdly hostile environment where everyone is always ready to try and take you down instead of just like being a normal person and going home to a bath and a cat and calling it a day. like no one can ever just be normal. about anything. it's like that whether I'm dissecting someone's soul or scooping ice cream but there's a very specific level of school shooter rage readers will passively get toward each other that I do not vibe with. a disgruntled waitress who hates her life is one thing but someone that wants to sacrifice you to their god of choice over getting good feedback is quite another. granted, as the daughter of satan i'm not the one who needs to be worried, but it's the intention of it all. ultimately I feel I help people on some level even if it's just asking about their lives and what their plans are while they're in town. I go back and forth on whether or not I robbed myself of the experience as a reader prematurely due to the animosity but ultimately feel like the owners robbed themselves allowing it to get as bad as it did. oh and there's the whole thing of my evil mother ruining my life and never wanting to talk about it to anyone or acknowledge that part of my life ever again. but then it's like great now she's suddenly robbing me even more as if she hasn't already taken enough as it is. so idk dudes. v conflicting. think I'll stick to pretending to be normal (very badly) for a while longer.

[an-anxious-gay-mess]

Here's my headcanons of what neurodivergencies the lab rats (and leo) would have if I had been allowed to write this show

Adam: 

-ADHD and Dyslexia  

-"What do you mean the letters aren't supposed to move around?"

 "Uh" 

"Are you telling me most people don't have to read the same paragraph six times???" 

"Uh-"

 - After he got diagnosed he actually became a bit more interested in learning! It helps that most people are actually working with him now instead of just reassuring him that he's dumb -Chase especially feels really bad for teasing him so much without realizing how hard Adam had to try and researches ways to help people like him study 

-Adam still doesn't go out of his way to do well though, he's fine as long as he's passing his classes 

- is almost never standing still. He loves swivel chairs and will spend hours just spinning back and forth completely zoned out before he realizes he should probably eat something that day  

-the only time you'll see him completely still is when he's sleeping or super upset about something. He gets RSD pretty bad sometimes and will just shut down completely when upset

Chase 

-Autism, baby!! 

-Gets really bad sensory overload and has a lot of meltdowns if he gets too overwhelmed 

-he gets frustrated with himself a lot when he gets sensory overload and will try to ignore it, which usually makes it worse 

-He has a lot of stims but he typically will only do the more visual ones when he feels safe (mostly when he's alone or with his family if he knows they won't make fun of him) 

-Just. Constant info dumping. If you're going to start a conversation with him make sure you have at least 15 spare minutes to learn about the history of needle work (or whatever he's been researching that week)

-hates eye contact but will force himself for the sake of being Professional, to the point where he makes himself do more destructive stims (like pulling at his hair) or even having a meltdown

-(his family yells at him for doing this A Lot "Chase please just put on the goddamn headphones why do you do this to yourself-") 

-he was kind of embarrassed about being autistic at first and still tries to hide it most of the time to prevent people from bullying him about it, but after a while he learns to accept that it's not his fault people want to be dicks, and that autism isn't something to be ashamed of

Bree:

-dyslexia and anxiety 

-She's the one I have the least amount of headcanons for whoops-

-i think unlike Adam she's really embarrassed about being dyslexic and goes out of her way to avoid talking about it

-this is partially because of her anxiety too: she doesn't want to bother her teachers or anyone so she never mentions anything about getting accommodations 

-because of this she struggles a lot in some of her classes, but she spends a lot of time worrying about them and studying too

-she's had a lot of panic attacks at 3 am over trigonometry 

-after a while of her grades getting worse the school guidance counselor probably pulls her aside and is like "you know we can give you extra time to do tests right?" And basically gets her all the accommodations she needs 

-Bree is like "wow glad I spent 2 years building that 5 minute conversation up in my head and making myself worry so much I threw up multiple times" 

-she generally tries to not let anxiety control her too much, and once she gets some help from her teachers she gets way fewer panic attacks over school work

-she even tries to over compensate by trying to appear like nothing worries her even though Everything does

-she hates when her brother's occasionally go on missions without her (like if she's sick or injured), and her anxiety will scream at her the whole time they're gone

-they're always willing to reassure her that they're okay, though, and will even update her over headsets when they can 

-she also worried a lot that people around her are secretly mad at her or don't like her. Her family is usually willing to reassure her that they love her, but it does tend to put a strain on relationships she forms outside of them 

-also I think part of the reason she latches onto texting so much (besides the stereotypical Teenage Girl thing) is because spell check is a godsend 

Leo

-OCD and autism 

-tasha: uh hey buddy what are you doing?

6 year old leo: idk stacking these blocks 

Tasha: oh, okay, why don't we work together to make a big tower?

Leo: no. There must be Exactly Six blocks in each tower 

Tasha: okay buddy that's great :)

-the lab rats are initially very confused by some of his rituals 

-for example: when he turned the lights in a room on or off, he had to flick the switch 5 times. Or at night, he had to check to make sure the door was locked three times 

-they asked him if that was something that most people did in the outside world, and he explained to them what OCD was, and eventually told them about a bunch of other neurodivergences

-"wait so you said you have something called autism too?"

"Yeah, it's what makes me do that thing where I flap my hands sometimes. A lot of people with autism will know a lot of stuff about a few specific topics and will hate eye contact and other people touching them, but everyone is different"

Chase: "tell me more right now."

-that's how they end up getting diagnosed too!

-Leo tells them about different disorders (including ones they don't have) and they immediately launch onto the feeling of Are You Telling Me Other People Do This?

-they go to Big D about it and he's pretty accepting right away 

-they debate a lot at first whether they want to get professionally diagnosed, but then they decide that it would be a lot easier to get accommodations at school with a doctor backing them up

-where was I going with this I'm completely spiraling

[byulsgrease]

if you arent too busy, can you write a idol!hwasa x idol!reader, wherein they both have to practice with each other for a special stage. However on the first meeting they become starstruck and cant believe somethings are real, but soon warm up to each other?

i'm not terribly busy but this still took a while anyway oops - sorry this took so long anon! here you go :D

if anyone has requests for the other members hmu cuz I've got 2 more hyejin reqs after this one (not that I'm complaining)

"who says we can't do something on our own?"

(hwasa x idol!reader, ~1.2k words)

cw: food + alcohol mention (y'all know how it is)

I named someone Minjeong - it's not Aespa's Winter, idk anything about 4th gen gg's - 민정 is my Korean name so it's just what came to mind

"Hey, wake up. You've gotta see this. GET UP," a voice piercing through the fog of your sleep.

What a rude awakening. Your shoulders being shaken vigorously by a pair of small hands meant they belonged to none other than Minjeong, your youngest group member. You rolled over to glare menacingly at her with one eye open, trying to pull your brain out of the slumber. All you could see was the bright light of her phone shining in your eyes - a video of some kind. But then you heard the audio:

"Have you seen the clip?" asked the interviewer.

"Yes, my members and many MooMoos made sure I saw it"— Moos? Oh, it's Hwasa. WAIT. Both your eyes flew open as you sat up and snatched Jeongie's phone out of her hand to stare at the video. Your mind immediately flashed back to the interview you did last week - they asked who you most wanted to collaborate with, if there were no limitations. Your ears started to heat up at the sheer thought of the flustered mess of an answer you gave - of course you said Hwasa. Both of you debuted relatively close to each other, within a year, but never interacted much over the years. Mamamoo as a group was a force to be reckoned with, but there was just something about Hwasa specifically. You mostly just admired her unique singing voice and undeniable stage presence, and her relentless drive to always be herself in an industry constantly trying to fit women into a box.

Finally snapping out of re-living that embarrassment, your attention turned back to the phone in your hand. The interviewer must've asked her to send a message in response to you, because you couldn't believe that she was waving and saying, "How haven't we gotten to know each other better over all these years? I'd love to work with you on something sometime," curtly dipping her head in a slight bow.

"SEE? You needed to see that," Minjeong rushed to say, full of energy. "And close your mouth, your jaw's on the floor," jokingly pointing.

You side-eyed her and shut your mouth. "Is this what Loco felt like when she called him during Hyena on the Keyboard?" you wondered aloud.

"At least she's not calling you while on camera," she commented, knowing full well that you'd probably embarrass yourself again if she did. "But hey, at least she noticed you! Can I have my phone back now?" It would be a dream come true to collaborate with her, but cross-company collabs... always a pain. that couldn't be helped. The fantasy abruptly ended with demands from your rumbling stomach. Done with your what-if's, you placed the phone back in your maknae's outstretched hand to get up and make breakfast.

~~~~

With award show season rolling around, the crazy scramble of rehearsing for special live stages without leaking sets and collabs began. Checking your email that morning showed a schedule to record the backing track for a special live stage, but that was it. With who? You texted your members a screenshot, but they all told you that block of time in their schedule was empty. A solo stage? The solo mini-album you released this cycle did relatively well, the title track got a music show win, but not a multi-week chart-topper by any means. Possibilities turning over in your mind, you stepped out from your place to head to the company, totally in the dark about what was in store.

The recording studio always smelled the same along with the couches, a comfort for all the insanely long nights and crack-of-dawn early mornings over the years. With a bit of time to kill, you plopped down on one and gingerly patted the worn cushions as some kind of symbolic thank-you for supporting you (literally).

A hesitant but loud knock sent your gaze directly to the door. Watching it slowly open, you leaned forward to see who it was. Needless to say, your jaw fell to the floor again as you clapped a hand over your gaping mouth, eyes widening. Like a soldier obeying a command, you immediately stood up as straight as possible and bowed profusely at Hwasa, sporting a very similar expression on her face (which you failed to notice, your mind running a million miles a minute).

After a series of frantic bows and miscellaneous utterances to each other, she spoke. "It's nice to finally meet you," she said with calm, surveying your frenzied state. "I guess we're granting that collab wish from your interview, huh?"

The red-hot embarrassment leapt to your face. "I...I definitely made a fool of myself answering that question. And our maknae showed me your interview clip too, which was cool, but never did I think it would actually happen," you stammered. I should probably stop talking.

"Well, here I am," she half-smiled coolly. "Let's get started, I'm really looking forward to finally work with you on this," a gleam in her eye and a hint of excitement in her voice.

The studio suddenly felt a lot smaller with her in it, despite there only being your managers, the producer, and the both of you - less people than you and your members alone. Both of you remained relatively quiet the whole time, rather unsure of what to say or talk about. You watched enough MMMTV to know that all the members on their own were shyer than together, and Hwasa knew the same was true for you. But the work basically took care of itself, seamlessly taking turns in the recording booth, witnessing each other's work style and process. The both of you knew your way in front of a mic, seasoned professionals by now. Upon wrapping up, you bowed politely to each other after a quick exchange of KaTalk info, a short and sweet goodbye.

That was... anticlimactic. I mean, it's finally happening - I can't believe it. But maybe I was too idealistic about maybe creating a meaningful relationship with her outside of work... What does she think of me?

~~~~

In the days leading up to the collab stage, you kept going back and forth on whether to reach out or not, despite now being in possession of her contact info. What would you even say? Thoughts of a witty one-liner or relatable meme came to mind, but maybe she'd assume the worst - that you were clout-chasing, or something. Anxieties abuzz, your phone vibrated in your pocket. The KaTalk notification sprawled across your screen. Speak of the devil, it's her.

"Hey, awards season has me stressed. I know you must pretty busy right now too, but I somehow get off early tomorrow if you wanna grab dinner after work?" You had to reread that one. Oh, what? She's inviting me?

Trying not to be weird about responding too quickly, you typed out, "Wow, yeah, that sounds great! ^^ wait, your company doesn't care about you going out to eat during award season?"

"nah, they stopped having that kind of control over us a while ago, we are the money-maker of the company, after all 😏"

"so I guess this means they don't check your phone either ㅋㅋㅋ"

"nope :)"

You proceeded to set a time and place to meet, someplace with meat.

In the process of feasting on an inordinate amount of gopchang imbued with a splash of beer, you learned a fair amount about each other. You talked career, professional aspirations, the weird habits of your members, and more. What surprised you most was the amount of things she already knew about you, having admitted to watching some of your behind-the-scenes content after seeing your interview clip.

"Ah... I'm sorry if I came across as distant during that first recording session," she confessed, pausing to sip her beer. "I honestly didn't know what to do with myself, I felt a little star-struck."

"Oh what?? I felt the exact same, so no worries - and sorry if I came off similarly distant," you rambled back. A bit of silence fell between you, acknowledging the mutual sentiment. You spoke up after a bit, "Thanks for inviting me out tonight, I didn't realize how much I needed this."

"Thank you for making the time, I had fun getting to know you better," she articulated with a smile. "Maybe it'll make the collab stage better," she added on jokingly. You responded with a nod and expression of mutual affirmation.

~~~~

After that, messaging each other became a regular occurrence, that gopchang outing having broken the ice. Honestly, you tried your best to talk about anything besides work, but the baseline of shared understanding connected you in a way that came more naturally than it did with your non idol friends.

You stood across the way from her at the sound check for the final stage, dressed in joggers and slides. Funny to think that you'd be recording this for real in a couple hours, making eyes with the blinking red light on the cameras surrounding you. It sucks that fans wouldn't get to experience the energy and atmosphere of the performance - Hyejin alone is one thing, but adding someone else into her stage presence? Unmatched. There's nothing quite like a live performance - and while you knew everyone in the industry dealt with the consequences of the pandemic, it certainly took a toll to perform and not feel the energy from fans. But realistically, nothing you could do about it. The sound check went over smooth like butter. The stage chemistry came flowing naturally between you both, even when bare-faced and dressed in just sweats.

And when the time came for the actual filming, you both absolutely killed it, an upbeat mash-up of TWIT and your title track. At the very end came a sliver of hesitation before throwing your arms around each other with a big smile for the ending fairy, proud of the work you accomplished together, and a mental fist-pump to yourself for making friends with one of the industry's finest.

Once again walking to a restaurant that served mostly meat to celebrate, you playfully proposed, "We... should do that again sometime." A little puff of air came out her nose in amusement.

"Yeah, we should. Too bad we're gonna have to wait a whole cycle before we can release anything else together again," she sighed longingly.

"Who says we can't do something on our own?"

[es-kay-zee]

Lust | Lee Know x Reader

I had plans to make this kinky as all hell, but I somehow ended up going the opposite direction with this. oh well, it was still pretty fun to write. I’m also sorry if there’s parts of it (or all of it?) that don’t make any sense. I didn’t proofread it at all and my head was just empty while writing it.

I was kinda liking it at one point, then I overthought about it and now I think I hate it but I put in all this time so it’s getting posted. I just feel like it kinda went all over the place

 Warnings: officemate! au, sexual tension (maybe? Idk, i tried), fem! reader, fingering, oral sex (fem receiving), protected sex (yay!) there’s like a split second of softdom! Minho, but other than that moment there’s not really any dynamics.

Requested: Yip

Word count: 4.6k

 _______________________

It didn’t take a genius amongst your co-workers to be able to tell what was going on between you and Minho. Everyone could see the way you looked at each other. They could see the way you took extra time at the printer, considering it was right next to his desk. You would stand there for longer than necessary, just watching him work. How his fingers would type away on his keyboard, the sleeves of his button-down rolled up to his elbows. God, what you would do to have his fingers inside you.

No, you can’t think like that. He’s just your co-worker. He may be hot as all hell, but this is a professional environment, right?

It was also painfully obvious to everyone how Minho looked at you the same way. Just as you would spend extra time at the printer, he would spend extra time at your desk whenever he had to hand you some files. He would try to make some idle chit-chat with you, but really, he was just staring at your lips the whole time. While you would admire his hands and arms, he would admire your lips. He often found himself wondering just what your mouth was capable of.

Don’t get him wrong, he didn’t only see you as some pretty thing around the office. He also admired your dedication and work ethic. He loved how much effort you put into your job to ensure you produce the pest quality of work. But he wasn’t stupid, he could see just how hot you are.

But he’s not allowed to think of you in that way. He’s not allowed to spend many a night imagining your hand, your mouth wrapped around his cock instead of his hand. After all, you’re just co-workers. And it’s all professional, right?

That’s what you both keep telling yourselves. 

It’s a normal Friday, not long before midday, and you’re zoning out at your desk, trying to figure out what the hell you were going to do over the weekend. You’d originally had plans to meet up with a few friends, but they all cancelled on you, leaving you with nothing to do on the approaching Saturday and Sunday.

You’re dragged out of your thoughts by someone waving a small folder in front of your face.

“Hey, earth to y/n?” You snap your attention onto the figure in front of you, quickly realising that it is, in fact, Lee Minho who’s standing at your desk. You hurriedly fix your posture, sitting up straighter and clearing you throat quietly before responding.

“A-are those some more files that need doing?” The way you stutter over your words has you internally cringing, hoping he can’t tell the effect he has over your body.

“Yeah, they’re the latest invoices that have come in. These ones need to be paid by Tuesday and then these ones need to be paid by Thursday,” he explains to you, holding up the two separate folders in his hands.

Reaching out your hand for the folders, you feel your fingertips brush against his once you grab them. You withdraw your hands as quickly as possible, feeling your heartbeat pick up slightly as the subtle contact. Your gaze lingered on his arms for a moment, his sleeves rolled up just the way you liked. Minho is so effortlessly attractive that it’s unfair.

You pry your eyes away from his forearms, away from the veins you can see running along his arms, instead looking at his face. The moment you look him in the eyes, however, you can’t help but think that maybe staring at his arms would have been the better option. His eyes were just as pretty as the rest of him, but the way he was looking at you right now, the way he was staring so intently at you, had you cowering slightly under his gaze.

“So, you had lunch yet?” he asks, breaking the silence that had fallen between the two of you, resting his hands in his pockets.

“Not yet, was just about to head up to the cafeteria shortly,” you reply, your eye focus being caught by his stance. You can picture it, him standing over you just the way he is now, hands in pockets, forearms visible, smirk on his face. Just imagining him standing there like that, looking down at you like you’re some sort of prey while you’re on your knees for him. Slowly undoing his belt and-

“Well, I was gonna head up now. Wanna join me?” you are once again pulled from your wandering thoughts by Minho, but the damage had already been done. You could feel your neediness throbbing in your pussy, your slickness slightly coating your underwear.

“Uh, sure,” you say, quickly locking your computer and grabbing your lunch.

You walk with Minho back towards his own desk so that he can pick up his own food before making your way up stairs to the third floor. Once you both make it to the cafeteria for the shelves. You grab your mug before making yourself a coffee, Minho doing the same next to you.

You both head towards a back corner of the large room, finding two seats at a small coffee table. A small conversation begins between the two of you, somewhat awkward, but not uncomfortably so. The occasional silences weren’t left empty, instead being filled with lingering glances at one another.

You make it through all your food and just over half of your coffee before it happens. Disaster. Minho has looked away from you for just a moment and the sunlight cascading through the enormous floor-to-ceiling windows hit him in just the right way. It made him glow in the light, distracting you while you took a drink from your mug. You weren’t focusing on anything but how delicious he looked in front of you, ending up with you tipping your mug up to far and spilling it all down your front and onto your lap.

Your small yelp snaps his attention back to you and you both just stare down at your soiled clothes. Heat rushes to your face when you realise the exact repercussions of what’s just happened, and the heat spreads when you notice that Minho has also realised it. Your white blouse drenched in coffee; the material becoming see through. Minho’s gaze lingers on your chest for a moment too long for between normal co-workers, your bra entirely visible through the now coffee-coloured fabric.

Minho clears his throat before speaking. “Uh- I’ll g-get something to help clean that up,” he stutters out, standing up as quickly as possible before rushing off to grab some napkins. It’s not long before he returns, a whole stack in his grip.

He places them on the table, taking his seat again. Picking a couple napkins back up he turns his whole body towards you. Your breathing stutters when he leans in close to you, your eyes looking deep into his as he freezes in place.

He’s torn. Torn between wanting to help you for your sake, wanting to help you for the sake of being able to touch you, and not wanting to overstep any boundaries. He can hear his heart hammering in his ears, and he wonders if you can hear it too. Especially with how close the proximity currently is between you two.

He takes a deep breath before making a decision about whether or not to help you clean up. He reaches his hand out, carefully beginning to dab at the spilled drink on your lap, fully expecting to be told to stop.

You tense under his touch, but not out of discomfort. It’s the way his hand moves along your thigh that has you frozen. Your thigh. One of the more sensitive parts of your body, and his hand is rubbing back and forth along it. The contact causing your brain to short circuit as you feel the heat begin to pool in your core.

“Um… Make sure to soak these clothes before you wash them. That should help get any stains out,” Minho says, trying to ease the tension.

“Oh, yeah, thanks. I’ll be sure to do that,” you reply, his voice snapping you out of your stupor. You pull your bottom lip between your teeth, trying to ignore your growing arousal.

Minho has to fight back his own increasing need at the sight of you nibbling on your lower lip, wanting little more than for it to be his own teeth tugging at the soft flesh. But what really gets him, is you taking a few napkins and beginning to dab at the coffee on your shirt, unintentionally pulling his gaze back down to your chest. Now he was fighting back groans, trying desperately to let the sounds die in his throat before you get the chance to hear them. That would be too embarrassing for him to handle.

It’s not long before you sigh a heavy sigh, giving up the hopes of being able to save your outfit and keep your presentability for the workplace, accepting it as a lost cause. Minho stops his own wiping at the sound, looking at you instead, waiting for you to speak.

“You know what, this is a mess. I might as well just head home for the rest of the day. There’s no point sitting here at my desk all day like this,” you say, looking down at your clothes. “Besides, most of my work is done for the day anyway.”

It’s only when you lift your head up when you finish speaking that you realise just how close Minho’s face is to your own. Close enough for you to feel his breaths against your cheek. Your eyes dart down to his lips, but only for a split second, not wanting to make your arousal so obvious. Minho, however, notices. But luckily for you, he decides not to say anything about it. Yet.

“That sounds like a good idea. Uh… here,” he says, removing his blazer jacket and holding it out to you.

You reach out and grab it, your fingers once again momentarily connecting with his as you take the item he’s passing you. You both rise to your feet and you give him a confused look, wondering why he’s handing you his blazer.

“I figured you wouldn’t want to walk around with a see-through shirt,” he explains in response to your unspoken question.

The heat returns to your cheeks at his statement, quickly pulling the clothing item on and buttoning it up, making an attempt to cover yourself.

“Thanks,” you say. There’s some part of you that doesn’t really want to cover yourself, that wants Minho to see you. But you push that part aside. After all, you’ve got to maintain some sort of professionalism. “We should probably head back down now.”

“Yeah.”

You both gather your belongings, taking your mugs over to the dirty dishes rack and placing them in along with all the other dishes. Yet another silence befalls the two of you as you make your way back down the stairs to your floor, the quietness neither comfortable nor awkward. Something in between.

Finally reaching your floor, you make a beeline for your desk, aiming to grab your bag and get out of here as quickly as possible. But before you grab your things and head into your boss’s office to say that you’re leaving early, you pause, turning back to Minho again, stopping him before he gets too far away.

“I’ll get your jacket back to you on Monday if you want. I’ll even get it cleaned to make sure there’s no coffee on it.”

He takes a moment to think, once again torn between options. One being just saying okay and letting you just bring it to work with you on Monday. And the other option… Well, if the way you were almost whining when he was touching your thigh earlier is anything to go by, then the second option might just work out for him. Fuck it.

“Or you could bring it over to my place? Tonight? I-if you want to,” he says, making sure to keep his voice only loud enough for you to hear, not wanting any nosy co-workers listening in.

Your entire body feels like it’s on fire as you think of the possible outcomes of you going over to his house, albeit under the guise of simply returning his blazer. You can already feel yourself growing wetter at the thoughts running through your mind. You blink rapidly, shaking your head slightly to yourself, remembering that you have to answer him instead of just standing there daydreaming all day.

“You’re in luck. I was gonna go out for a few drinks tonight, but my friends all cancelled on me. So, it turns out that I’m available,” you say, fighting hard to keep your voice steady and to not let on just how needy you were.

“Well, you could always have those drinks with me while you’re over,” he offers, stepping closer to your desk.

“I could.”

You both smirk at each other, knowing exactly what the outcome of tonight will be. Minho searches around your desk for a moment, eventually finding and grabbing a sticky note and a pen. He scribbles something down before handing it to you.

“That’s my address. See you at 7?”

“Sure thing, see you then.”

He smirks at you again before finally heading back to his own desk and you finally head off home, being sure to stop in and let your boss know you’re leaving.

______________________

Before long, 7 o’clock rolls around and you’re sitting in your car, parked on the road-side, opposite Minho’s house. Checking yourself in your rear-view mirror quickly, you make sure you look presentable before getting out of your car, his blazer draped over your arm. You’re somewhat nervous as you approach his front door, reaching up and knocking. It only takes a short moment before the door swings open, revealing Minho. He steps backwards, holding the door open as he gestures for you to enter. You step past him and into the house, taking in his appearance while he closes the door behind you.

His outfit is simple, a plain t-shirt and a pair of jeans, but to you he looks damn fine. His jeans are tight enough to show off his thighs while not being too tight that it would create any struggle to remove quickly. That’s handy. And his shirt leaves his delicious arms on display. You look up at his face just to see him staring at you in the same way you were just starting at him. Like you’re the single best thing he’s ever laid his eyes on.

“Hi,” you say, bringing his attention back to the current moment. He blinks a few times, taking a moment to recollect his thoughts.

“Hey, you look really good.” He gestures towards your dress. You chose one that was simple, yet effective at its job. You wanted to wear something that showed off your legs, something that would get his attention. And judging by the way he kept looking you up and down, it was working.

“Here’s you blazer,” you say, holding it out for him.

“Oh yeah, thanks,” he replies, having already forgotten that he’d even let you borrow it in the first place. “I’ll just go put that away. Feel free to make yourself at home.”

He dashes off down the hallway, presumedly towards his bedroom. To take the moment alone to take in your surroundings, noting how Minho’s house had a very homely feel to it.

You take a seat on the couch while you wait for him to return. And it doesn’t take him long to do just that, already walking back up the hallway towards where you are. He heads to the kitchen first, grabbing a couple of glasses.

“I have some wine here. Want some?” he offers.

“Sure,” you say, knowing that soon enough the drinks will be abandoned in favour of other activities.

It’s not long before Minho approaches you, two glasses of wine in his hands. He hands one to you before taking a seat in the spot next to you on the couch. Directly next to you. He’s so close that the side of his leg rests against yours, but you’re not complaining.

“Try not to get too distracted by me again,” he says, a cheeky grin plastered on his face. “We wouldn’t want you to spill another drink.”

You both laugh at his teasing statement, but your mind focuses on the word again and you realise that he did know the causing of today’s earlier mishap. Well, that’s a bit embarrassing.

The next short while is filled with more idle chit-chat, a measly attempt at wasting time before getting down to business. The entire time you’re talking, Minho’s arm is resting along the back of the couch behind your head and he’s very shamelessly eye fucking you. In his defence though, you’re doing the exact same thing to him.

“Do you want another glass?” Minho asks when you finish your wine, placing his hand that’s not currently resting on the back of the couch on your thigh. You let out an audible breath as his hand softly caresses the flesh, the feeling sending pools of arousal directly to your heat. As his fingers slowly trail further up, beginning to disappear under the skirt of your dress, you know that he’s not really offering you another drink. It’s his way of moving the conversation along, of asking you if you’re ready to do what you truly came here for.

And you’d be damned if you weren’t ready.

His fingers continue to travel higher, skimming along your inner thigh, avoiding where you desperately need him. You bite your lip, trying to stifle a whimper. It doesn’t work, and it instead draws Minho’s focus to your mouth. And he’s back to thinking about your mouth, how your lips would feel wrapped around his cock. The idea alone has him growing painfully hard in his jeans. Hell, he’d do anything to have your lips on him, in any way.

“M-Minho, please,” you whisper, wanting him to stop his teasing caresses and finally touch you the way you want. The way you need.

“Please what?”

“Please t-touch me.”

“Touch you? I am touching you,” he says, stopping his hand’s movements and instead just resting it in place.

“No, please touch my p-pussy,” you say, your hands coming up to cover your face, embarrassment coursing through your body, causing your face to heat up.

Normally, Minho smirked at you, getting a kick out of how flustered you are.

“Ah, I see. Well, if you want that to happen then you have to prove to me how much you want it.”

And that has you whining.

You quickly manoeuvre yourself so that you’re straddling Minho’s lap, tired of waiting for him to provide you with some much needed friction. Your hands rest on his shoulders, his own flying to your hips when you slowly, experimentally grind down on him. Your actions get the best reward, in the form on a shaky moan from Minho, and that’s the moment you can tell that this whole thing is affecting him just as much as it’s affecting you.

When he told you to prove it, he was expecting you to just get more flustered. He certainly wasn’t expecting you to make such a bold move. You roll your hips against him again, this time drawing a moan from yourself. One of his hands slides up your back, grabbing the zipper for your dress and slowly sliding it down. Once he has it undone, he pulls the dress up and off your body, revealing your lack of bra underneath. Shit, he hadn’t even noticed earlier that you weren’t wearing one, he was too distracted by your legs. He looks up at you, his own lust-filled eyes meeting yours, watching you lean in closer to him. Closer, and closer.

And then your lips – those oh so pretty lips – were on his own, moving together in a rush of adrenaline and lust. There was no delicacy in the kiss, only pure wanton desire as your hands roamed each other’s bodies. You’d both been waiting for this for so long. Craving it.

His hands slide down to your ass, kneading the flesh. He’s quick to stand up, keeping you held up, your legs wrapping around his torso. He carries you down the hallway, only breaking the kiss for a split second at a time to make sure he didn’t bump into anything, before he would dive back into your lips. Your kisses were intoxicating, addicting. Minho just couldn’t get enough. Even when he finally made it to his bedroom, dropping you down onto the bed, he still doesn’t pull away. It’s only when you pull away for breath that he stops, you both panting deeply from the lack of oxygen for so long.

Your hands glide across his linen-clad chest, the fabric warmed from his hot skin. He groans lowly at your touch, desperately wanting more. One of his own hands finds it’s way to your breast, his thumb rubbing over the hardened nipple.

His touch is soft, gentle. He’s testing the waters, wanting to figure out what you like, what touches really get you going. He knows he’s on the right track when your back arches slightly at the contact, and he grazes his thumbs over the nub again, harder this time.

You can feel how soaked you are, your underwear beginning to stick to you uncomfortably. You buck your hips upwards, trying desperately to get some sort of solid friction going, the aching between your legs bordering on painful. Sensing just how strong your need is, Minho pulls away from you, moving down the bed until he’s laying between your thighs, his fingers already dipping into the waistband of your underwear.

He wastes little time in pulling the fabric down your legs and tossing them off to the side. And now, finally, after so long of wanting it, he’s able to gaze upon your pussy, glistening with your juices.

“Holy shit, you’re so wet you’re dripping,” he exclaims, looking up and making eye contact with you. And it makes you clench around nothing when you look at the man that’s remained on your mind with his head between your thighs.

“Only for you,” you reply, even your voice dripping with need. Minho looks back down at your soaked cunt and, in the split seconds before his touch, every nerve in your body and mind comes alive with electricity.  He licks one long stripe along your entrance, and the moan you let out is obscene. And he loves it.

Minho is filled with a new determination, a determination to make you moan over and over again. To have you feeling so good that you’re screaming his name.

He circles his lips around your clit, working the nerve bundle with his mouth while he brings a hand down to work your entrance. He slides a digit it, immediately curling it in search of your special spot. He quickly adds a second finger, continuing his search for your g-spot. He knows he’s finally found it when your hands go flying to his head, threading into his hair, tugging hard. He groans at the sensation, loving the way your hands feel in his hair. God, everything you do just turns him on, and he begins to unconsciously rut his hips into the mattress. He continues working your core while you moan uncontrollably.

“F-fuck, Minho. I’m s-so close,” you manage to whimper out, but he already knows. The way your walls tighten around his fingers over and over tells him everything he needs to know.

“Do it, baby. Cum for me,” he says, and you don’t have to be told twice, your orgasm washing over you with more force than you expected. He finger-fucks you through your high, only stopping when your body stops convulsing in waves of pleasure. He pulls his hand away from your core, a whine escaping you at the empty feeling. If he could make you cum that hard with just his fingers and mouth, how on earth are you going to survive cumming on his cock?

He crawls back up your body, placing his arousal-coated fingers at your lips. You open your mouth with no hesitation, immediately sucking the digits in, swirling your tongue over them as you sucked. The sight alone almost had Minho cumming in his jeans. For so long, all he’s wanted is your lips around some part of him, and while he also wanted to be graces with the visual of you sucking on his cock like your life depended on it, he was more desperate to just fuck you.

He wastes no more time in ridding himself of his clothes until he’s completely bare, reaching into his bedside table draw for a condom. positioning himself above you once again. He’s about to open the condom packet before you stop him, taking it from his hands opening it yourself. He moans when you slide the condom down his length, your hands feeling better on his cock than his own ever could.

The moment you lie back down, he lines himself up with your entrance, not wanting to go another moment without being inside you. He pushes into you, not stopping until his hips rest against yours, the room filling with moans as your bodies finally connect. His cock stretches your walls so perfectly, like two puzzle pieces made for each other.  

After a brief pause, he slowly pulls back you, only to thrust back into you. He repeats the motions, gradually settling into a solid pace, not to fast and not too slow, a perfect balance of the two.

He drags his lips up the soft skin of your neck placing sloppy kisses as over, being sure not to leave any marks. As much as he wanted to mark you where it was visible, he couldn’t. He didn’t want you to have to go through the hassle of covering them each day at work while you wait for them do disappear. Instead, he opted for sucking bruises into your collarbones and along your chest.

Your brain felt like static, unable to string together a single coherent thought as Minho continues to thrust into you, pleasure radiating throughout your entire body. The knot in your stomach grows tighter for the second time during the night, and from the way Minho’s thrusts are getting sloppier, you can tell that he’s close to his own end as well.

He slides his free hand in between the two of you, fingers finding your clit. He rubs circles into the bundle of nerves, and you feel yourself unravel, his fingers being the final to push you over the edge. And it’s your fluttering walls that has the same effect on Minho. You both ride out your highs together, him spilling into the condom and you around his cock. Your loud moans are music to his ears, while his are the same to yours.

Once you both come back down from your highs, Minho pulls himself away from you, quickly disposing of the condom before coming back to lay next to you.

Your body feels heavy, your brain foggy and distant, a tiredness falling over your entire being, exhausted from your orgasms. You groggily roll onto your side, curling your body up into Minho’s and almost instantly drifting off into sleep. He wraps an arm around you in return, feeling sleep approach for him as well. He rests his face against the top of your sleeping head, placing a chaste kiss to your hair. And just before he let himself fall asleep, he made sure plan out in his mind what he was gonna cook you for breakfast in the morning; pancakes.

[mathematicalghost]

celeste, anxiety, and me

A couple of notable things happened this week:

I started 428 Shibuya Scramble on PC

I finally dusted off my Twitch account to stream for the first time in months

I finished Celeste

And, most frustratingly, I had an anxiety attack.

I don’t really talk about my anxiety all that much, or at least not nearly as much as I should. I got diagnosed with it in the height of my GCSE’s, so absolutely no prizes for guessing exactly what flared it up. I didn’t really do much about it in a medical sense - I never took medication, saw a therapist, or really had much interaction with a healthcare professional at all after a diagnoses. I just… lived with it. There were a whole list of very clear triggers for it, and I worked through them and figured out how to cope using mechanisms that were both good for me and uh, less good (if you’ve ever seen me at an all day event where I’m new to the building layout, I am almost definitely dehydrated). The laundry list got smaller, and I claimed I “stopped” having anxiety just before I went to university. Hrm. It didn’t quite work out that way.

Let me jump back to Celeste really quickly, because I’m not just unloading all my trauma onto an unsuspecting reader without a reason for it (I swear!). So, I really enjoyed Celeste - evident by the fact I bothered to actually finish it, a rare feat that is becoming increasingly less rare as my free time is now more predictable and less guilt-wracked from education. It took me a little under 18 hours to complete, although this doesn’t include any strawberry collecting, I don’t have all the B-sides (I haven’t played the B-sides levels yet either), the Crystal Hearts-based level is currently locked off to me, and includes the fact I made liberal use of the Assist Mode function. I’d imagine if you were any better at platformers than I am, it’d probably take 12 hours or so to do a single run, but equally if I went for an actual completion run I’d still have a good extra 30 hours left to me in this game. I’m still pretty new to short platformer games, spending my time caught up in RPGs that all my friends played and not realising how little I actually care for that style of gameplay, but Celeste was so addictive to me just because I could play in the stolen chunks of time I’d find on the bus to work. It definitely made me more alert when I’d get into the offices in the morning - nothing like a good bit of frustrating gameplay to get your brain going in the morning, I guess.

Celeste is such an easy game to recommend because there’s already so many people raving about it - I don’t need to rehash why the gameplay or music is so good when there's plenty of work out there already explaining it. I loved how the Strawberries held no actual mechanical weight to them other than “idk if you want to I guess”. I loved the mini rhythm levels to achieve the B-side cassettes. I loved the Assist Mode, where I could add an extra dash or switch on invincibility when my hand started to hurt and the thrill of the challenge was replaced by pure frustration. And, above all, it’s pinned by the most amazing story.

So, the basic premise is that Madeline decides to hike up Celeste Mountain. She’s not much of a mountain climber, or any kind of climber at all really, but the mountain calls to her in an inexplicable way. She has to prove herself, prove that she’s able to do something. Madeline is pretty open about the fact she has depression, and the Mountain exploits this to split the depression “Part of [Madeline]” into a ghoul. She looks like Madeline in every way except that she’s purple, floats, and is constantly trying to kill Madeline. At times, she’ll even sabotage Madeline’s relationship with other people, causing them to to turn on Madeline, too.

Part of what really struck me about Madeline’s story is the fact that the depression ghost didn’t actually hit her at first. She’s nervous, sure, but she actually gets part way up the summit before this ghost even appears. She doesn’t have her first panic attack until long after the ghost has established herself as a nuisance, and it crops up even when danger doesn’t seem to be around (such as at a campfire). It takes different forms at times, and affects people differently (Mr Oshiro and Theo both have times when their own demons affect them, and it’s not the same as Madeline’s ghoul). It mirrors my own experience with anxiety, especially as it moves to the final chapters.

So, back to me, I guess. If Madeline’s depression looks like a ghoul version of herself, floating menacingly and pushing through outbursts, then I’ve always described my anxiety as an overtired toddler. The main wave of anxiety has passed now (Anxiety attacks for me can last between three days and, during a particularly bad February of this year, three and a half weeks), but I think the main thing to trigger it was a stomach ache I had on Wednesday. If you’re thinking it doesn’t make sense, then try asking a screaming two year old why they’re crying and deciphering their nonsensical string of an answer. Maybe there was something deeper to the anxiety than a stomach ache, but that doesn’t mean I can articulate it to anybody else, least of all myself.

Anxiety attacks are slightly different to panic attacks in that they can last longer, and don’t always have an obvious external symptom like hyperventilating. For me, I was in a loop of nausea, irritability, fighting back the consistent urge to cry, and heart palpitations. I didn’t quite hyperventilate, but I was breathless at the height of it, manifesting as a cough as my body fought to breathe. All of these symptoms made me tired, which made me anxious, because I get anxious when I’m tired, which made me more tired, which made me anxious, and so on and so forth. Stomach pains and nausea make me anxious too, because I don’t know if I’ll be sick, which also in turn make me more anxious, and get me trapped into a building cycle of pure dread. Three and a half weeks of it wasn’t exactly the best way to spend my February of this year, and it certainly wasn’t my chosen method of experiencing the past week.

Madeline asks her ghoul at one point why she’s being attacked. Surely, if Madeline’s fear is that she’ll get hurt on the mountain, why is her ghoul trying to kill her? Much in the same way I wonder why I’m getting anxious over nausea if it’s only a symptom of the anxiety in the first place, the ghoul isn’t on the mountain to follow logical reasoning. Theo tells Madeline that she’ll only get hurt if she tries to help Mr Oshiro more, and that her existence on the mountain is already a proof of achievement. And yet, Madeline is determined to stay in the resort (to my Switch left joycon’s horror) to help him regardless of whether or not he is grateful. I do things to prove something to myself long after it’s necessary, even if I know I’ll pay the price with my mental health later. We do things that aren’t always objectively logical because ghouls, and toddlers, and crystals, and weird Mario-esque ghosts, aren’t always things you can objectively reason with.

Initially, Madeline tries to swallow her fears and just climb. To ignore the ghoul she saw in the cracked mirror. Further up Celeste Mountain, Madeline concludes that she needs to destroy her ghoul. She needs to get rid of the “Part of [Madeline]” that seeks to hurt her. Then later, finally, Madeline realises she needs to talk to the ghoul. To embrace it and utilise it.

I once was deep in an anxiety attack when I went to a fencing match. By mistake, I’d had too many coffees that morning and the combined caffeine and anxiety pretty much clipped me through the sky and into another plane of existence. We won the match, and in turn I figured out that if I move more in a match, I get more points. Was it healthy in the moment? Absolutely not. But I doubt jumping into an abyss and hoping your ghoul is going to throw you the rest of the way is that healthy either. But you can take from it and learn.

Ignoring my symptoms of anxiety didn’t help at all. Avoiding all sources of my triggers helped a little, but not that much either. Recognising when I’m having an anxiety attack, managing the symptoms, and letting it pass like a wave works so much better. It’s only my second anxiety attack of the year, but if I get a third one I know what I need to do to get through it.

I’m not going to climb a mountain to prove I can do this, but I’m glad I followed Madeline on her journey as she did.

[bnha-imagines-hcs]

Hey dude! You're making great stuff! Could I please have B, K, and W from the fluff prompt for Aizawa, Hizashi and Spinner? You know Aizawa and Hizashi are my darlings, but I've recently developed a fondness for the lizard boi.Thank you so much!

( the lizard boi… is kinda cute. but what is UP with his SWORDs!? | also i fucking love kamojis… JesUs ChrisT )

fluff alphabet;

| aizawa; headcanons.

BREATH     just exist… in his life… y ea h. tbh aizawa is just always A Huge Fan of u and the fact ur there in a nice way, so like??? yeethaw bby always a fan.

he a sucker for the whole boyfriend shirt thing, it’s just he doesn’t have a whole lotta clothes beside his professional look (dress shirt and slacks) and his actual working look (fuckin… pullover/overall/bodysuit thing lmfao wtf). you could,, ofc,,,,,, put on a huge frigging sweater - the kind commonly used as a dress - and like… thigh highs…. ehrem. (kitty pattern optional but super effective.) and just. hair down (or up) and just. and just.

                    be there.

also if u ever back him up or lead him in a fight, whether it’s frontline business or just you tryin ur best to evacuate a few peeps, well… that’ll do the trick. #synergy TM. he loves the fact ur partners, so anything that actively demonstrates/proves this is… multo bene.

honestly tho just breathe this hobo is a total softie and he so weak for love… so weak for love.

KISS    he actually adores kisses, yet doesn’t indulge often - as with most things that bring him simple pleasure & relaxation, shouta straight up forgets. just- forgets about it. 

it’s not small pecks and chaste things that he really adores - those are. kinda awkward, really. if it makes ya happy go for it, gestures, but. ehh. eh? eh.

long and involved kisses, that’s where it’s at.                                     hands messing w/ ur hair as he draws you close or draws in close himself or both or (we’re very big on equality here), able to drown in dark & warm comfort, feeling u and keeping u locked away in his little corner of the world until you’re ready to go. these happen in private, if aizawa can help it. it’s his prize for bein’ a martyr all the damn time (cough needlessly hard on himself cough), so the rest of the world can fuck off and just let him have this.

he doesn’t initiate ‘long and involved’ in public; don’t mistake this for a lack of interest! he’s just being decent (●´∀｀●)

WILD CARD     the only thing high-maintenance about shouta is the situational factors. he just wants to chill, have a home that is place & person, someone he can have intelligent conversation and comfortable silence with… just to share their lives without infringing on each other too much.he’s very… myeah. non-conventional? if you’re poly and he’s not, have fun with that it’s cool. if you’re busy a lot like him, that’s cool. if you wanna live separately, np. if you need to take time to yourself for a couple years, you do you.what he does demand is truthfulness. not that you don’t have secrets, but that you can just say ‘man i don’t wanna tell you’, rather than deceit. he’s a liiiiiiiittle sensitive about lies, even small ones.

2) also.. he loves to just read together. he doesn’t have a fireplace but if he did, it’d be readin’ by the fire.

| hizashi; headcanons.

BREATH     no offence but this man’s usually short of breath, what with the constant noice production. the things about life that leave him breathless are what drive him, what fuel him - it’s always somewhere on his mind.if he ain’t livin’ his best life, he about to.

so honestly? hmmm. he’s most often kinda in that state, but – ohhh yeah. big droopy sweater + thigh highs used as sleepwear or just. just. on his s/o… pls sit on his lap. pretty please? pleeeassseee… frick.movie night and it’s warm enough and u come out in that and sidle up to him and oh ooohhhh b o y . he’ll just curl an arm arnd you and light his hand upon ur arm, real gentle, not pouncing or w/e just - enjoying tf out of that.

KISS    mmmmmmmm, y e s. hizashi does not, in fact, believe in PDA - the term and general consensus suggests that displays of affection are somehow meant to be absent from day to day life, as though we ought hide our hearts and pretend to be cardboard.not exactly this guy’s thing.

where shouta will seek out privacy for a kiss with real feeling, hizashi– won’t. sure, if things get particularly heated he’ll suggest a break or a, hah, room (if others haven’t already). but as long as it’s warm loving mmmmm yes i love you mmmm hizashi feels there’s nothing improper about it and will give very few shits about commentary. you will end up in a bitchfight with him if u push it- kisses without wandering hands are not indecent, gdu, and any attempt to make he or his partner feel shame over it will be met with… vehement opposition.

alternatively if you are simply highly uncomfortable and respectful about it, ofc they can save it for when you’re not forced to be in the same room as them. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

     every kiss is a real kiss \o/. hizashi positively glows under the weight of lil pecks and ‘i’m leaving’ / ‘i’m back’ / ‘i’m gonna miss u already’ / etc cheek kisses. very fond of the ‘let’s kiss every lil bit of ur face’ style. subscribed to ‘oh? you think this part of u is undesirable? KISSSSSS’ series. proud author of ‘3 hours of body worship is an aperitif, my love’.

WILD CARD     swings and like, those old-school playgrounds for preteens - those are still the shit. hizashi loves lazing around on a swing, gently rocking back and forth while talking about everything or nothing. it’s easy, there’s literally no pressure whatsoever, it’s nostalgic.pushing each other on the swings?? chill as fuck. riding those errr those things w/ the big-ass springs underneath - also cool. oh my god riding those things err SHIT IDK WHAT IT’S CALLED ... ‘cable ways’ ..? The Shit.

just innocent play time pls. no stress & chill.

| spinner; headcanons.

BREATH.      pls. pls play games w/ him and go wild - that’ll do it. if you rock out playing racing / gta / etc games, he’ll love watching u go go go and just. hang back. needlessly awe-struck. it’s just nice to share smth he loves, smth non-serious without strain, and have the person he likes enjoy themselves with it.

KISS     well it’s scaly, we can’t deny that. ‘s not bad though, and that’s esp true if you’re more of a monster fucker than a coward. smooth, stumbly, and generally a lil awkward cuz he’s not at all used to ppl even ??? wanting ?? a lil smoochy smooch from him??? yeah.

eager, though. spinner’s got pretty normal dreams with yer picket fences and vidya games and maybe even a house that’s like inhabitable… yeah. a life where you can just reach out and touch and have it be affection rather than… disgust……… he’s always more affectionate than sexual - that’s more important to him, and his self-image is such that getting turned on doesn’t even really happen. and boy does he have an assortment of cute lil kisses as a result.

soft, careful pecks to test the waters even though you’ve responded well 50 times already - spinner’s someone who’ll ask for permission more often than not, wary of finding out something good has become something… not so good. it’s a hang-up he’ll not let go of soon. lingering ‘i can’t believe this is happening oh shit should i move? fuck am i-’ cheek kisses while he’s arched awkwardly to reach over the couch.sloppy ‘i can’t believe i’m this lucky but i’m too sleepy to question it’ morning / late night kisses.‘hey i was gone for a while and i can’t believe u still want me to kiss u!!! sc o rrrrrre and also oh god are u ALRIGHT.’ less restrained, embraces, face kisses, accidentally kissing ur eye. that happened.he has an excited ‘oh my god u made us hot chocolate’ kiss that stems from i’m living the fucking life finally ho god. 

he’s just. so happy. so happy to have someone he likes and likes him back, smn he can just be domestic with. sure he does crazy shit, but he loves to.. be homey. and lots and lots of little, tentative kisses at every opportunity.

also mini hand touches, but he’s still working on that.

WILD CARD     pls sit on his shoulders and let him scale rooftops like that. adrenaline junking together is The BeesKnees. u wanna get thrown?? the boi will throw u. u wanna cliff dive?? yeet let’s go. u wanna rollercoasterrrrrr rid es. s /? !? ?!? FUCK YES LE’S GO.

[kmclaude]

Hi Father Claude! (If it's okay to call you that?)This is going to sound silly, especially since we don't really know each other, but I've followed you for a while and you seem to be pretty versed in art-for-hire, I was wondering if you could help me out? Someone messaged me (across several accounts on different sites) about an artwork of one of my OCs asking if they could use it for a logo. I said no but I'd be happy to work on a commission for them -- how do I determine what a fair rate is?

2- I don't really do art for a living, just a hobby (I know it sounds cheap when I put it like that...) so I don't want to shoot myself in the foot, particularly since by the sounds of it this person wanted to use this for branding purposes and that's pretty major. I'm both a little flattered and a little overwhelmed, so...you know, how would you negotiate something like this? How would you determine an acceptable rate (either hourly or a flat fee? I'm not sure which is better)?- Sorry for taking up 3 asks for 1 question but you seem like you have experience with this, and I'm used to deferring to experts for matters I don't know much about! Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Yeah sure and oh that is tough! So you got someone who needs a brand logo and you wanna know what rate to quote him at, yeah? First, congrats! Second, well I don’t know too too much about logos and other specifics of graphic design branding freelancing as I didn’t go that route professionally but I have done book covers, illustrations, and comic work so I guess I’ll speak from that. Please note that I don’t do this full time or even much part time (though I might soon enough if I return to school fulltime) so this is a tad laid back in nature. Someone who does this professionally might be better equipped to talk about this.

If I were in your shoes, the first thing I’d do would ask about his budget -- what’s his budget and what is he willing to work within? You ever hear the phrase “the first person who mentions price loses?” Yeah, so find out where his budget is. Next, compare that budget to both the industry standard for the product (which’ll take some googling or asking around) and to what you’d be willing to charge (which should be based on a mixture of living wage, time it will take to complete, skill, supplies, and other). For the record you can also be doing that step while you send off the “hey what’s your budget” email because it’s always good to have that in mind. If he asks your rates first a decent response is always “well that changes based on what you want and the complexity of the design; a budget would best help me figure out a logo solution that won’t break the bank” or something.

 If the budget looks doable, I’ll give him my quote for the project and my terms and if he agrees to them then I’ll write up a contract. I’ve often based my contracts off of the ones on Art Pact which offer free templates. Contract time is where all the negotiation begins and you can stipulate price, whether the client will cover Paypal fees, when you’ll get it done by, and so on and so forth. It’s always good to have a contract because if you’re not working as part of a firm or whatever the contract is a way to CYOA (hell even my boss and I signed and informal contract and when I send them invoices I always specify that such and such fee is there ��as discussed in our correspondence” or somesuch just to, again, CYOA. 

So for example, if someone came up to me and wanted a logo done for let’s say their startup coding company -- nothing fancy, just a name in perhaps a decorative fashion, easily applicable to say a website or an invoice -- then first I’d write them back asking for their budget and maybe a little info on what they need it for, what their plans are, etc. You don’t wanna be charging pennies for the next Warner Bros. logo, y’know?

Then while waiting, I’d research the industry standard for logo designs -- what’s the general rate, what are people asking, what are newbie freelancers asking, what’s the range, what should I be charging? I’m lucky in that my best friend works in a print shop and does logo design so in theory I can ask her but let’s say she’s at church and I need an answer before Communion, so I’m gonna google “industry standard logo design”. Deluxe Corporation gives a few figures and an idea of what you’re paying for and why but no less than $200 seems to be the oft quoted number. So the industry standard is at least $200.00 USD. 

Now the question is what’s my standard? Well I refuse to work for under $15/hour minimum, I have over a decade of doing art in a public sphere, longer still of doing art in general, and about 7 or so years on and off of doing art for pay and in all that time I’ve become familiar enough with some programs, have a handful of resources font-wise and other, and can also work super fast. General experience and speed will up my price because its taken years to get there. The downside is I’m the least knowledgeable at a vector program like illustrator and I don’t have as many resources at my fingertips that a professional graphic designer would nor the dedicated training of one. Those drawbacks will lower my price. The professionality of the piece also matters -- this is branding for a company not someone’s Sonic OC that they’re gonna get framed but will otherwise not see much of the public sphere so it’s gonna cost more, obviously.

Side note: I mention $15/hour minimum but when I give out quotes, I never quote as $/hour but rather a roundabout flatrate. That’s because in general I know about how long it takes me here or there to complete a certain type of work because most clients like a general rate. In fact a lot of times I charge a LOT per hour because while I get a lot DONE in an hour/it doesn’t take me many hours to do, it’s taken me over a decade or so of work to get to the point where I can DO, say, a whole comic page from sketch to final word balloons in 5 hours or so if need be. So keep in mind that the length of time it takes to do something isn’t all there is to the price or value of a thing! This is a good blog post of tips for setting rates btw -- it also covers that tricky realm of $/hour versus flatrate!   Essentially, your flat rate is based off what you’d consider your hourly fee + wiggle room and managed for an assumed time of work done and correspondence and all those other experiential variables. If nothing else, there’s taking the 8 hour work day and multiplying that by an hourly fee. You may not TAKE a full 8 hour day to do it but that gives you a baseline of sorts if you’re totally lost. Again, most clients like a flat rate -- they know what the total pricetag is at the get-go -- and it can be to your benefit (though like that article mentions you can also find yourself doing hours of work that results in you having worked for less than minimum wage.)

Anyway, all those things in mind give me a price idea and help me out when the client emails me back with his budget because if he comes back nowhere NEAR either the industry standard or what I’m willing to work with, the decision’s made for me. If he comes back close to let’s say the industry standard of $200 -- let’s say $190 -- and I’m wanting closer to $250 because I’m doing this outta my free time but I recognize I have limitations and am willing to meet him halfway then I may be willing to say “hey, I understand budgets can be tight, but for what you’re asking I’d have to charge a bit more” and maybe raise him say $240, basically the haggle process. Which is its own art because you want the business but you don’t wanna screw yourself and have it be more trouble than its worth but it at least helps to have an idea of what industry-wise you deserve and also what you personally are willing to work for.

IDK I hope that doesn’t suck. If I were good at running a business as a freelancer I probably wouldn’t work my crummy exhausting dayjob and could actually afford my stupid dumb top surgery and obviously neither of those things are true SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO take everything I say with a grain of salt. That’s just how I do things and TBH it’s a flexible process.

[card-gays]

Which of your ships could you see getting married and/or having children? And which ones would, at most, just move in together and maybe get a pet?

I love this question!!! But some preamble first: some couples are in lifelong romantic relationships, but don’t actually want to get “married” in a legal sense. Which I only mention bc I do have some ships like that~ And, since I definitely have too many in general, I’m only gonna do a few here. Other than that, you can feel free to ask if there’s one I don’t mention that you want an answer for. ^^ One in particular I left off was Prideship. Which sounds funny considering it’s My OTP, but I know I’m gonna have a mile long answer for it, and I wanted these to be about the same length so.. lol

(Also, prepare to see how different combos weirdly change my ideas for whether or not certain characters have kids/get married.)

So here we go- 

THE COMMITMENT CHART!!

Peachship (Anzu/Yugi):- Anzu and Yugi I can easily see going from dating to getting married. They’re not exactly traditionalists, but they plan on being committed long term, and they love the idea of saying so publicly to everyone they know with a huge commemorative party. So why not! Like, especially after they’re both well established in their careers enough that Yugi can work from anywhere and just location hop with Anzu if she’s going to be abroad for work for more than a few months, or if they need to move so she can work at this one really prestigious theater… Either one of them would absolutely pop the question once they’re sure they’re happy living like that. And the Mazaki-Mutous would be a wonderful couple. As for kids… idk. I know Yugi’d be happy as a homemaker, so that’s taken care of, but I think Anzu would have to have branched out into acting or something first. I’ve heard being a professional dancer and a parent is really difficult, what with the travel, and while she’s said over and over her dream is dancing, her not mentioning kids makes me think Dream First? So I imagine her dream would have to shift to a different career before she’d consider it. After that? Probably yeah.

Rishid/Otogi (Totemship maybe? god help me):- Rishid and Otogi seem like they would be a really really really fun couple, but while I don’t have a hard time seeing them being a serious couple, the endgame couple/marriage headcanons elude me… because I don’t have a very firm grasp on Otogi? ^^” So I can definitely see and headcanon as far as “they date for a few years, have a great time together, and definitely get as far as moving in and getting a dog", but that’s about it. They are absolutely a pair that’d just be enjoying it as it happens, so I can easily think of them as being a long term committed couple, I just need to work on seeing the details. This is absolutely an open invitation for you guys to throw some headcanons at me. xD

Identityship (Rishid/Ryou): (I don’t get the ship name but I saw someone already made one and I’m taking it for now xD)- Okay so… I don’t even know how, but this ship’s really gotten me wrapped up in it. and it’s gonna have to be it’s own post because it’s A Lot. I think it takes awhile for them to get to the Dating stage because they’re both really careful people due to their pasts, and they both really want to be sure it’s not going to be anything that could get between Rishid and Malik’s bond as siblings. But the moment they’re sure everything’s in the clear, they’re near to inseparable. Ryou is a Cuddler if ever I’ve seen one, and Rishid never really had a chance to realize that was something he is Totally About until that first time cozied up on a couch for a movie. They probably move faster than they should for a bit, moving in right away, letting their ~pillow talk~ bridge into talking about their future a lot relatively soon, but somehow for them it just Works. Probably because they’re both totally honest about it. The only hiccup I can see is imo Rishid would absolutely want children, whereas Ryou’s got some anxieties about being 50% responsible for a small human bean. But, considering Ryou’s roadblock are fears capable of being worked through, instead of just not wanting any, I can see him getting on board with the idea all by himself the easiest if he’s with Rishid. I mean… the guy’s not only got experience helping to raise a kid, he’s got experience helping to raise a kid who is partially possessed. As far as well equipped partners go? Rishid’s got that pretty darn covered. (and as for the fears Ryou’s got about what kind of parent he’d be? Rishid’s right there with all the reassurances anyone could need) Their wedding would be simple, I think, but sweet. The people closest to them, a few of their own traditions mixed together in a lovely ceremony, and then Lots of pastries. (who knew Rishid shared his weakness for cream puffs…)

Visionship (Isis/Mai):- Okay so like…. these are No Kids Please people to me. Like they enjoy them, love them even, but… from someone else. Their nieces and nephews (in the traditional sense but also their friends’ kids) are adored and spoiled beyond belief by Isis and Mai, but they are not having kids. They’d rather travel the world and live in peaceful luxury, feeding each other fruit while sunbathing as people look at them in envy and awe. Or blowing exorbitant amounts of money on clothes and makeup and jewelry and perfume. Backpacking across Europe or relaxing in Spain, etc. They’d have a wonderful life together, with 0 regrets to the path they chose. Funnily enough, they are also probably the first of all of them to actually get married. It’s formal, it’s gorgeous, and honestly almost everyone cries when they first look at each other to walk down the aisle together because they are So In Love. The reception is a Party And A Half though. So whichever one of them (or both, if both) wanted to wear a dress definitely has a second one to have a great time dancing in…. Mai probably throws the bouquet, just so she can make sure Malik catches it and watch him have a meltdown trying to hand it to someone else.

The next three are just different combos of the same three people (Yugi/Ryou/Jou), and actually could all function together, so I’ll list them in one go!

Wishship (Jou/Yugi):- I see Jou and Yugi bouncing back and forth on the idea of a formal marriage because it’s not That important to Yugi (though he does want a cake) and Jou’s never really considered it so long as they’re gonna be together anyway. That said, they are fairly sure about wanting kids. Yugi’s always been an “either way is fine” kind of guy, and since Jou is really about adopting some precious kid of his own one day, Yugi is completely for it. If they did get married, they’d probably pick something fun and informal. Small and sweet ceremony, “reception” at a rented out arcade (thanks, Mokuba!)… Who’s ready for some laser tag? Family and friends of the grooms divided up into two teams, with Jou and Yugi as team captains. The losers still get cake but the winners get bragging rights. GO! (the fate of the match actually comes down to Shizuka, a sharpshooter, and Rebecca, the princess of finding cover)

Heartship (Ryou/Yugi):- By contrast, Ryou and Yugi are very sure about wanting to get officially married, and probably talk a lot about it well before the actual engagement. They know they don’t want to get married right away, but hey, they’re comfortable talking about ideas for it anyways…. They land on saying their vows beneath the projected ‘sky’ of a planetarium, with a similar motif for the reception. Their engagement and wedding bands, too. It’s all very sweet, though the vows get kind of existentialist. xD But because (as mentioned above) Ryou’s got some anxieties about it, and because it’s not super important to Yugi, I’m not sure about them with kids. Which is fine. They adopt some cute pets and have fluffy-children instead, plus they make great uncles to their friends’ kids! It’s a wonderful life.

(side note: Atem would be a bit jealous of the planetarium vow idea when he first hears about it. it’s Such A Good idea. Kaiba would offer off-handedly a honeymoon on the rebuilt space station when Atem mentions it. And Atem nearly drops his fork in surprise because they’d never talked about…. that’s the first time he’s…)

Jou/Ryou/Yugi (Cuddleship?):- This is where it all kind of comes together. xD Jou would consider the whole wedding thing a bit more seriously with Ryou involved, because while for Yugi it’s not a very big deal (so he wouldn’t mind if they didn’t do it), it is a pretty big deal for Ryou. So while the three of them initially plan to just be long-term committed with each other, with Yugi and Ryou being married officially as well, their planning would lead him to wonder if, you know, there really is much of a difference between what he wants out of not getting married and what he’d get if he was officially married. And the thing is? There’s really 0 difference for him. So if it really makes a difference emotionally to Ryou, yeah, he can do that. And (answering the very first question Ryou has when he says it) he can happily do it, wants to do it. “It’s just a promise made in front of a bunch of people, instead of in private. I’m okay with that.” Tbh he probably sort of catches some excitement for the idea before he even decides to tell them about it. He still doesn’t get the difference, personally, but he’s really excited and all about what it itself means and how happy Ryou and Yugi will be to plan it with him. As for kids….. okay, anxiety aside, Ryou honestly loves them? They’re messy and expensive and loud and all but made to give you a heart attack… but he loves them, and he’d want to have one. And with two other parents around to help, after a couple years, he feels comfortable bringing it up himself and saying he’d like to talk seriously about possibly adopting a baby. (they do. and name her “Amane”)

[chialunyeh-blog]

Decision Made

So after a huge bunch of searching on the Internet, thinking a lot, analyzing my goals and personalities, and pondering on different possibilities, I finally decided to study in Delft University of Technology in the MS Computer Science program.

It has been a very torturing yet precious journey, from last summer until now. TOEFL, GRE, finding schools, asking professors to write recommendation letters, doing my internship, and following two courses at school were a bit tight, plus I had to commute every week back and forth Hsinchu and Taipei. However, the thing that took the most of my time and mind was that I wasn’t sure about my values. And because of this, it’s very hard to make decisions and have faith in whatever directions I wanted to choose. I really have to thank my bf Michael, who accompanied me along the path. Because he knows me so well but yet was not in the situation, he was able to give very useful and personal advice as well as help me reflect on myself. 

Last Monday I had an interview with TUM, which initially was my dream school. The professor who talked to me was Mr. Steinbach. He is responsible for Chair of Media Technology, the institution that interests me most in the whole program. I was so excited and nervous that I got to talk to him, and spoke a lot about my work related to video compression. I also stated my great interest in multimedia communication. At night, I got the admission, which made me super happy. I really want to learn German and be able to speak good German. However, the courses offered in the program are too theoretic for me. I feel like I’m looking for something more applicable and project-based. 

On Wednesday, I declined KTH. It took me until the last day because Stockholm is such a nice city. I also want to improve my Swedish to a professional level so that I can find a job there and really see what the industry is like. Plus Swedish itself sounds very nice:) 

On Friday, I declined Cornell University. It was really hard for me because the name Cornell itself worth a lot and having the degree will really be a boost for my career. Besides that, it’s kind of a competitive selection, which means that I’m not confident whether I can be admitted next time. Still, I found that an one-year program might not be my thing for now. I need a bit more time and stimulants to figure out what I really wanna do. I know a year of exchange should have done that. Perhaps it’s just that I didn’t plan well. Idk, perhaps I can survive through Cornell ECE and get a decent job in the US, and earn a lot of money after some years. Perhaps I’m just afraid that I cannot follow or afraid of the competitive environment. But I would say that choosing Delft instead is the bravest thing I’ve done so far in my life, that is, choosing a program that fits or interests me instead of one that everyone think is prestigious and lead to a promising future. 

Still questioning myself and this decision every minute today. But there is no best choice, due to the fact that we can only love once, we will never know if the other choice would be better. This is so blissful. Just don’t look back and strive your best. Well, I’m going transfer the payment tmr so that I can start all the other applications and move on.

I’m really thankful that I was admitted to KTH, Cornell, and TUM. I really wish I could study in all of these schools. I would make the ultimate goal of being able to work in Sweden, Germany, the US and the Netherlands each for some time. Have to work hard, be creative, be proactive in networking, and stay positive to each opportunity!