#i guess i've been carrying them in my subconscious for a long while

[monstermp3]

this is such an obscure reference but i'm currently feeling very much like korra in the first half of book 4 with my trauma and ghosts of my past returning in full force to haunt me in both my sleeping and lucid states

[basilone]

Thanks for the reminder, I've had the prompt page open since yesterday in a tab. Can I prompt 06. — surface for either Brady and/or an OC of your choice, please?

Love that my little post from a bit ago reminded you that you wanted to send me something! 💙 I had to sit with this one a moment, as I'm still wrangling Brady in my brain, but landed on the following...

surface

He hears her before he sees her.

It’s rather a common occurrence on base these days. Can’t move five feet without hearing a woman’s raised voice carry over the din. Can’t set foot outside a hut without hearing their shouts or their laughter – in worst cases both at once – as if all of Thorpe Abbotts now belongs to them. The woman currently cursing up a storm in the belly of his plane is one of the worst offenders. Voice with the power of a foghorn, voice that only seems to stop when she’s eating or sleeping, voice that has all but elbowed its way into his subconsciousness already.

John Brady heaves a sigh. Takes another sip of his coffee while he leans against the one part of the space that hasn’t been subjected to her rather impressive array of tools. She treats this plane like she owns it, having draped her jacket over the other gun, using her previously pristine white scarf as an extra cloth to wipe the grime off her hands with before unceremoniously flinging it to the floor. He eyes the dirtied scarf a moment. Refocuses on her only when she lets out a rather large snort.

“You on your coffee break, Brady, or are you thinking ’bout helping?”

“Helping with what?”

She wipes at her forehead. Leaves it with streaks of black. “Damn gun keeps jamming on reload. Max complained about it after our last run. She kept having to slam down on it with her fist.” Her dark eyes narrow as she peers at the gun’s slide. “Son of a bitch is gonna cost me more work, think it needs to come apart before we’re wheels up again.”

“Just the one, not the other?” John nods at her jacket. Isn’t surprised when she nods back to indicate that only one of their guns is out for the count. “Sounds like a job for Morrison herself.”

“Max ain’t flying this one next time. Egan said she’s up with him, and Dee’s gonna be wheels up with Crank. Guess we’re getting one of their gunners in return?” She scoffs a moment. Rakes her short hair back best she can, which isn’t well at all. “Don’t you look at me like that, ain’t our fault brass keeps shuffling crews like a deck of cards!”

“Just wondering about the end game,” he says carefully, setting his empty cup down atop her toolbox. “They’ve been moving you around different crews since Trondheim. Filling gaps.”

“Softenin’ y’all up for more female replacements, more like,” she snipes. Her hands deftly pry a part of the gun away from the slide. “C’mere, hold this for me, easier with two”– and his hands are on the panel before he can think twice about following orders –“gonna get this baby up and running for you and me. I don’t wanna get mid-flight only for this to decide it don’t wanna play no more.”

John’s eyebrow raises. “Keeping me company, Perrault?”

Her laugh is throaty but loud. “Sweet baby Jesus, you and Darlene are just about the only ones gettin’ my name right around these parts. Egan keeps callin’ me Perry, for fuck’s sake, and all them rest calls me Push. Stupid nickname.” Her hand covers his a moment, directing him to the edge of the panel. He takes a shallow breath in through his mouth as she leans forward and fills the air with gasoline-and-grease smell. “But yeah, Jules said they were gonna shift me to your crew for the next run. Somethin’ about your engineer getting frostbite up in the turret?”

“Hole in his suit.”

“That’s shit,” she says conversationally, tugging at the gun between them until it clicks apart. “Can ya take me through this baby once we get this gun fixed? I like to know what I’m workin’ with. Know she had a belly landin’ not too long ago, yeah?” She hums as he kicks a wrench over to her. “Ken said she’s all right now, but I want a look at that landing gear before we go.”

“Landing gear should be okay. More worried about the plating around the second engine,” he confesses as he holds two parts of the gun while she’s loosening a third. “It felt like it wasn’t quite feathering the way it should.”

“What, on the surface? Or deeper?”

“Could be deeper. Think it’s surface.”

“You tell Ken that?” She grins at him, unapologetic, as he frowns at her. “Of course ya did. You’re a smart one, John Brady.”

“Perrault,” he says, feeling just a little unmoored about the totally sober way she just called him smart, “just don’t get frostbite up there.”

He flinches a little at her booming laugh. Bites his tongue when her oil-stained hand lands atop his. She pats it reassuringly, as if that’s answer enough in the universe she inhabits. No boundaries between pilot and engineer, or so Bucky would say. The man’s insane.

“Chin up,” she says, then, and her hand squeezes his fingers before letting go. “Your face went all sour lemon. Thinking about repairs?”

“Bucky and his big mouth, actually,” he says, before he can stop himself.

Perrault lets out a groan that practically reverberates off the walls. “Please, say no more.”

“You too?”

He decides he likes Perrault just plenty when she rolls her eyes and slams the wrench down on the gun’s chamber. “Lord, where do we start?”

[giveamadeuschohisownmovie]

Currently busy with writing the next chapter of “Ghost Rider - From the Files of the ‘Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.’”. In the meantime, here’s a preview:

Inside the memory void

Phil Coulson: "Thank you for coming in."

Jemma Simmons: "Of course, sir. I am Agent Jemma Simmons. And this is-"

Leo Fitz: "-this is, I am Leopold Fitz."

Phil Coulson: "Fitzsimmons, yes. You know, when I first heard about you, I thought you were one person."

Robbie, Gabe, and Nico opened their eyes and, immediately, found themselves in a new location. The feeling was surreal, like stepping into a vividly detailed dream. After a quick examination of the room, they realize that they were in a conference room. The late Agent Phil Coulson was standing by them and was speaking with Jemma Simmons and Leo Fitz. By how the two looked, Robbie realized this memory must've taken place at least over a decade ago.

Nico, with her hands on her chin, looked perplexed. "That's interesting," she said, "It appears we ended up in Fitz's memory of him meeting Phil Coulson for the first time."

"Why's that interesting?" Robbie asked.

"Because I was aiming for the Maveth mission. Maybe it was the strain of the spell. When I was on my own, targeting a specific memory was a lot easier. As soon as you two got involved, it got harder to concentrate."

"Is that a problem?"

"No, it means I just need more practice. Anyways, I need to fast-forward us to Maveth. Gabe, are you good-"

Turning to Gabe, Robbie and Nico saw that he wasn't paying attention to them. Instead, he was looking at his legs. It took a second for both Robbie and Nico to realize that Gabe was standing on his own.

The younger Reyes' eyes widened as he continued to marvel at his newfound ability to walk. Every step he took must've felt like a miracle, as if he had been granted a reprieve from his wheelchair-bound reality. His fingers trembled as he touched his thighs, which hadn't carried his weight for years.

"Robbie," he whispered, his voice quivering with emotion, "I can't believe it. I haven't walked in so long. This is...incredible."

Robbie, who had witnessed Gabe's struggles and the countless hours he had spent by his brother's side, couldn't help but smile. He knelt down to meet Gabe's eyes, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "It's been a while since I've seen you move like that," he acknowledged, "Enjoy it while you can."

"Look, while I've gotten used to the wheelchair, and I want both of you to know that a disability doesn't make you any less of a person...it is nice to be able to use my legs again."

Just to test his legs out even more, Gabe began running circles around Fitz and Simmons. Since this was just a memory, neither Fitz or Simmons acknowledged Gabe's presence. Although they were on a mission, Robbie and Nico couldn't help but laugh at the sight.

But as Gabe stopped to catch his breath, Nico, although she didn't want to be a downer, she also didn't want Gabe to forget where they were. "Hey, remember, we're in Fitz's memory. This isn't reality."

"I know, I know," Gabe said, dismissively, "It's 'Inception' rules, we're just projections of our subconscious minds."

"I mean...I guess? Anyways, let's go Burning Boys, we need to skip a few years to the Maveth-"

Nico stopped when the lights in the conference room suddenly went out. Coulson, Jemma, and Fitz suddenly went stiff, as if they had become mannequins or life-like wax sculptures. Robbie, Gabe, and Nico began to back away from the frozen agents, confused. Nico armed herself with the Staff of One while Robbie unlatched the steel chains that were wrapped around his chest.

"What the hell is this?" Robbie turned to Nico, who looked just as confused as he did. "Magical Girl, is this a normal part of the spell?" he asked.

Nico shook her head. "I have no idea what's going on."

"Are we being invaded?" Gabe asked, going into a fighting stance to prepare himself.

"I don't know," Nico said, "I'm pretty sure we're not. I would've felt something. Other magic-users can't just...for the lack of a better term, hack into another user's spell."

"I don't feel anything either," Robbie said.

"Zarathos, are you following me right now?" Robbie thought.

"Yes I am, Reyes," Zarathos answered in the back of Robbie's mind.

"What the hell happened to the memory? Is this a demon or something that's doing this?"

"This is going to sound strange, Robbie...but I'm not quite sure. I can confirm that the ugly, middle-aged man who was your former boss is still watching over all of you. Nothing is happening out here."

"That's all you can give me?"

"Well...I can't explain it...but I somewhat recognize the energy that's causing the memory spell to falter."

"Energy? What energy? And how do you recognize it?"

"There is something that's affecting the spell. And I recognize it...because it's the energy of a Spirit of Vengeance."

"Wait...what-"

Suddenly, the once serene environment trembled, and the walls flickered like an old film reel. A bizarre storm, filled with swirling colors and strange, otherworldly shapes, materialized in the corner of the conference room. Robbie, Gabe, and Nico grabbed onto the conference room table, clinging on for dear life as the colorful storm began to pull the trio into it.

"Robbie, what's happening?!" Gabe shouted, "Where the hell did that storm come from?!"

Robbie squinted at the tumultuous anomaly, his usually confident demeanor giving way to a sense of unease. "I don’t know, something’s gone wrong! Just hold onto the table!" He turned to Nico, who was whispering something that Robbie couldn't hear. If he had to guess, Nico was trying to end the memory spell. "Nico, can you control this?! Can you end the spell?!"

"What the hell do you think I'm trying to do, Burning Boy!?" Nico, her brow furrowed with concentration, tried to regain control over the memory spell. After positioning herself so that her chest was directly facing the table, thus allowing her to use her body to anchor her down, she began to move her hands in an attempt to stabilize the memory. Although she was frightened, she dug deep into her Kamar-Taj lessons to try to eliminate the storm. Despite her movements, the storm raged on. "Okay, I don't know what's happening. I'm trying to stabilize or end the spell, but nothing is working."

"So we're trapped here!" Robbie shouted.

"I'll figure something out! And boys, don't you even think about killing yourselves! That will not wake you up from this!"

As they grappled with the storm's sudden appearance, the Leo Fitz who was a part of the memory suddenly woke up. He immediatly grabbed the table after feeling the storm's pull on him. Surprisingly, Jemma and Coulson were still unaffected by the storm.

"What the bloody hell is going on?" he demanded, his voice echoing in the ever-changing, distorted landscape.

"Leo, huh?!" Nico shouted, "How are you with us?! You're the host-"

"-I don't know and I don't care right now! Just get us out of here!"

Nico, growing more desperate to regain control, attempted to end the spell once again. She closed her eyes and chanted softly, her hands glowing with purple energy. "Okay...okay, okay, okay! Just hold on, everyone! Let me just....clear my thoughts-"

However, before Nico could start her incantations, an unseen force suddenly tore the group apart. Robbie, Gabe, Fitz, and Nico were forcibly separated, their vision blurring as they were hurled in different directions within the chaotic memory void.

[gavs-gabs]

Two days. We would only be gone for two days.

In hindsight, it seems obvious. The mechhive must have intercepted our comms. Maybe they were watching us all along. Hell, maybe it was a coincidence. Either way, we should have known better. "It's two days. What's the worst that could happen?" I've never hated Wesley for asking as we packed the caravan. There is no room left in my heart for it.

The intel we got from Ouran told Anna we needed all the EMP tech we could carry if we were going to make it back alive with the persona core. And we did make it back alive. Some nights I wish we hadn't. The coincidence is too painful - we borrowed the one thing that could have saved them all.

I wonder how Wesley sees the world. Ever since we found that piece of archotech in the tomb, since Anna replaced his eye with that one, I've wondered. Could he see our hearts beating out of control? Watch the cortisol pumping through our brains? Would he even have thought to look?

Somehow we did know, even before we reached home. Call it mother's intuition, maybe a hint of psychic connection. Or maybe those godawful noises of the mechhive carried infrasounds over kilometers of brushland, reaching our subconscious long before we saw what happened. When I found Anna lying there on the other side of the hill, shivering and empty-eyed, I knew it was over. I knew she had to run; she never could hurt a living thing. Even if that thing was just a chassis of whirling plasteel blades. I carried her limp, barely breathing frame to the western gate while Wesley and Abbey went ahead to secure the base.

The destruction was absolute. It's hard to imagine how much could be destroyed without a single bomb or gun, but the splinters of wood and stone and ribbons of wire and flesh bore no false witness. The first bodies we saw were the animals and the ill-fated reinforcements from the Ouran League. The hive had systematically targeted the only potential threats-- pet boomrats, Lauren's cougar, the local friendly megasloth. They must have tried so hard to protect her. I hated myself for not being able to protect her either.

Wesley and Abbey went to check on the power to the south while I rushed Anna to the hospital. I heard the whirring as I rounded the corner, leveling my EMP blaster at a barely-functioning scyther. I set Anna down as gently as I could and rushed in to bash the stunned mechanoid's arms off. It sputtered and collapsed. I held back bile as I glimpsed the mounds of flesh by the barricade, but I had to focus on Anna. I could tell that much from the silence. Dead silence: nary a cry for help nor even a labored breath.

She wasn't injured. Not physically. I fed her and stepped back outside into the carnage. I almost collapsed like Anna when I saw my husband. They severed his leg, a clean cut straight through the femur. A massive gash was all that was left of his beautiful face, a deflated eyeball dangling from the gore. I fainted then, even before I saw Lauren. Before I had time to process the bodies of Panther, Espinoza, and Elwyn.

Abbey must have seen Henderson right away. It was just the three of us to start, Abbey, Henderson, and me. Abbey is beautiful and diligent but Henderson was always the best of us. She never faltered, not even once. I'd wager not even at the end, watching her friends bleed out on the dirt by her side. The way Wesley talks about that day, Abbey just threw her charge lance to the ground and walked towards the scyther. I guess she wanted to die too.

Wesley was stoic as ever. He crushed the mech's face and set about burying our friends and family. Another cruel coincidence, this mausoleum we had nearly finished. "Just in case," Espinoza had said at the proposal meeting. Just in case.

I don't know how we'll rebuild. Anna hasn't spoken in weeks. I'm grateful she survived, but most days I feel as though I lost both my daughters that day. Abbey has been burning the art and furniture, "so they'll have nothing left to destroy." Wesley seems to be the only one interested in survival. I can't even bear to look at my research, let alone the skeleton of the ship. After all, the Rim has taken everything from me. How could I leave without repaying the favor?

- Diary of Pepper, Scientist

2nd Decembary 5505

[ofthoughtsandmemories]

man. I'm not sure if keeping this blog alive is a good thing, but right now I don't see the harm in posting.

My life fell apart. It sounds dramatic when I type it out, but I can't deny that it's true. I am only a few assignments away from getting my Masters, but that's on hold for... well, I don't know. As long as it takes to get better, I guess.

At first, I didn't know what was wrong with me. I spiraled and spiraled. I was certain I wouldn't survive. And I wouldn't have if I didn't have such wonderful friends and a medical support system.

I spent several months digging my own grave and 3 months lying in it. That's what my therapist now says, and I can't help but agree with her. My dad came and saved me. I left Omaha behind for Appalachia. It was, and is, a bittersweet transition. More bitter than sweet, but it gets easier to swallow every day. I miss my friends in Omaha so much. They promised we'd keep in touch and that we could still be friends, but I have more experience in losing friends than they do, I think. Perhaps that's a pessimistic outlook, but I just can't help it. I know they still think of me. Moi talks to me frequently. I just miss them so much.

I thought I was sick. Everyone did. My parents and I struggled and struggled to be seen by doctors who would take me seriously. After the endocrinologist told me it was just PCOS, something inside of me changed. I don't know what it was or why, but ever since then, I feel like a different person.

I'm still not completely convinced that this new treatment is going to work, but I'm not really convinced of anything right now, so I guess that's fine. It has to be fine.

So after almost a year now of suffering and stagnation and pain, I've started to heal. I think. But this healing is starting with 10 years of repressed memories and trauma I didn't even know I had.

I am a CSA survivor. Typing it out still feels strange. How long did I carry that with me in my subconscious? I wish I knew. I wish I could remember. As scared as I am of remembering, it somehow seems worse to have it all tucked away somewhere, out of reach. I can't heal if I can't remember.

At the same time, the worst part so far has been remembering. I can't stop thinking about high school. I can't stop thinking about all of the ways that I hurt people. Realizing why I acted the way I did. Remembering all of the dysfunctional ways that I cried out for help.

This blog is one of them. I read through the entire thing some time a few weeks ago. It hurt me to see myself saying such horrible things. I was 13. She was 13. I picked up the burden of self hatred so, so young, and I didn't even know I still carried it with me.

I also don't know when I started believing that I deserved the abuse I got. The neglect. It's little wonder to me now that I struggled with adulthood. No one taught me. No one taught me how to live. I have spent my entire life believing that I am a burden, unwanted, never enough. My mother threatened to kill herself because of me many times. I want to say that I forgot it happened, but that's not true. Like the rest, it has been with me. I think I just accepted that I deserved it somewhere along the way. I don't think that anymore. I haven't thought that for a while.

Now, I just live. I heal. I'm frustrated and scared and sad and all kinds of things. I have so much work to do, and most of it is in my head. I'm grateful for my NH friends more than I can say. I'm grateful to Moi and the rest of my friends in Omaha. I'm grateful to all of the people I have known in my life who have helped me begin to love myself. People who I loved. Because I do love myself, even if I still hate myself. I love parts of me, and I will learn to love all of me.

There is nowhere else to go but forward.

[laerien]

Redownloaded this app out of pure impulse. At least that's what I'm telling myself.

In truth, I'm navigating through a hell of a shame complex, and I've come up with every excuse over the past fifteen years to not let myself heal. I'm willing to bet this isn't a rare occurrence for other children who felt most alive submerging themselves in fictional universes to make up for the lack of pivotal human connection based in reality. I added to the criticism of mega fans and "tumblr girls" because I thought it would clear my name in the eyes of people I wanted to impress (which, in reality, at my lowest, was basically anyone). I bathed in the criticism until it became part of my subconscious, so when I would inevitably open an Incognito Google tab to binge breathtaking fanfiction or incredible fan art like the depraved child/teenager/adult I was (which was so much of my own twisted doing), I stalled out.

The cycle of letting these preconceived notions inform (taint) my view of things I genuinely enjoyed continues, but I'm actively trying to heal now. I'm recently going through a long term breakup that encompassed my entire adulthood years, and I've been nothing short of forced to get to know myself again. The person I'm relearning really wants to share her love for fandoms without filtering her enthusiasm for the sake of who she think may accept her.

So I've spent the past several months leaning into that, but I'll admit I've got a long way to go. I've caught up on so many animated Star Wars shows, for example, that I've put off because of my venomous preconceived notions (and an ex who claimed to be a fan but, like many things in our failed relationship, didn't match actions to words). I've started commenting on AO3 works that are fucking incredible without the fear that someone in reality will find out my psued and call me out (though, I admit, I still use Incognito mode because I'm not quite ready to defend myself in the imaginary court room that makes complete sense in my head). I started drawing fan art that I'm pretty damn proud of (but still working my way to sharing it). And I restarted writing - mostly character studies and explorations of grief and love and life, but a nice nod to my unpublished Pearl Harbor fanfiction story (that I hand wrote a page a day for for 123 days straight when I was 14, then typed it all out, edited it, then made six alternate endings for, then changed names and made an original prequel story - something I clearly never revealed to anyone but look at me go!). I've also read a whole book in 4 days, something I haven't done since I started despising book reading due to the pressure of the academic system a decade ago. I could go on and on about it - and I probably will in another post - but Star Wars: Dark Disciple's depiction of the dark side is not unlike this shame complex I'm carrying on about. And, boy, do I love my eyes being opened like that.

So while I can't promise I'll stay long this time, this is something 14 year old me craved but could never admit. Like I said, I've got a lot to work on (I logged in and saw an unread message from 2017 from someone I went to college with and immediately blocked them in fear of them - who I haven't spoken to in years and has been nothing but kind and supportive of my fandoms - calling me out, I guess?). But I want to celebrate how wonderful these fictional worlds are with people, so I've got to get over this fear that I'd be found out and taken away from it forever.

I've got so many incredible people on the internet to thank, and I plan to. I've found comfort at my lowest points over the past decade and a half because others had the courage I had lacked: to share their feelings. Sounds silly put that simply, but what's wrong with that?

[sentientgopro]

Okay, so I know this might sound odd, but I kinda want to keep track of how my feelings have been changing seeing as my life just turned upside down a few days ago. Something feels weird about keeping a note to myself, idk why, For some reason I feel kore comfortable posting it to the internet. Well, I guess that is kinda the point of a blog? Anyway, if youre seeing this but not my last post on Monday, I think I cracked on Sunday Night.

That first post was comprised of how I was feeling Sunday Night- Monday Morning (10/11 Dec) and, well, I'm not going to repeat it. Monday was... weird. I didn't feel great, although thats not significantly out of the ordinary, but I was facing a difficult question I would rather not have to answer, especially when the obvious conclusion was such a difficult one to follow through and act on. It was a question Id rather die than face.

Monday evening was when I decided to start truly planning for the possibility. I may not know If Im right yet, and depending on how hard it may be, I was wondering if it was even worth it. Then I had a look at some trans timelines, and asked people about HRT options, and that was what changed my fuckin life. It was then that I saw how real this was and just how possible this was. The realisation that this was on the cards for me (after a 2 year wait) made me feel really fucking good. Like best Ive felt in a long time. Ive been running on fumes, a list of people to outlive, and "My cats would miss me" but this provided a positive reason to keep going, something to look forward to. For the first time in ages, I wanted to Carry On, not just felt like I had to. And this feeling/ realisation also helped in validating my feelings, that Im not just making it up.

And then came tuesday. The best day Ive had in a long time. I've heard people say "Transitioning may not solve all your problems, but it can make them feel worth solving" but I realised I had that in reverse. My problems are affecting my academic success, so to get out this house and get to Uni, I need to start fixing/ overcoming those problems. My problems feel worth solving so that I can get to transition. I got more done that day and focused easier than I have in a long time.

Later into Tuesday, I considered what my future could look like now. How might it affect other parts about me? I considered my Aroace identity, might it affect that? And I quickly realised I might not be Aro. Why could I see myself happily in a relationship in the future, as a girl, but not as a guy? Hell, I took the idea out of relationships, and realised I couldn't see a happy future at all as a guy. Ive known this for a while, and kinda brushed it off as "Modern society sucks ass" and "Who knows what the future holds" and shit like that, but if that was the case, I wouldnt see a happy future as a girl, which I do. This was another big help in feeling that Im not mistaken about my feelings, and also helps to explain why Ive always felt a little conflicted on my Aromanticism, because it wasn't. As for now, until I can transition, the label still fits. I still think Ill be Ace either way, but I cant know that until the time comes. It doesnt really matter, those labels can be pretty fluid, I shouldnt stress over it. The key takeaway here was that it seemed that Dysphoria was stopping me from wanting a relationship. Perhaps I was wrong about not feeling dysphoria, I think i might just have not been noticing it or understanding it.

I'm caught up to today, which hasn't really seen major developments. I acknowledged the fact that Ive been kinda subconsciously viewing myself as more feminine for years now, but I dont feel like that thought significantly leads anywhere beyond reinforcing how I feel. Most of my thought on this went towards music and lyrics, as now I have a whole new dimension of meanings to find in songs, completely changing how I see alot of them. For example, one song, that I havent been able to find any meaning to until now, has these lines across 2 different verses:

"I need time to break all the mirrors,

But my mind is in pieces and not ready to make it clearer,"

and

"Time to make it all clearer,

And if time never ceases I'll be ready to break the mirror"

After a quick google, the idea of "Breaking a mirror" means bad luck for years, before being okay, which can be interpreted to have fairly heavy parallels to a transition. The first version talks about needing to go through this period, but not being able to or not being ready. As much as I say I cant transition bc of living eith my controlling and transphobic parents, I also know I would not be ready to do it if that wasnt the case. But, as in the second version of these two lines, once I can make it all clearer, If I can just hold out until the end of the two years, if time keeps passing, I can break the mirror.

There are other parts of this song I like and find (questionable) trans meanings in, but these parts stand out. Song is "The Gift" by Kevin Sherwood and Elena Siegman for anyone wondering, I'd best describe it as Melodic heavy metal, heavy instrumentals courtesy of Kevin and beautiful vocal melody courtesy of Elena.

So that was pretty much my day today, finding little bits of meaning in various songs I already listen to. Although its only 2:30PM, there may be more to come later. Regardless, now that ive caught up, Im just going to be keeping every post as its own individual thought or topic. If you did actually read through this, thanks I guess? I dont know why I feel more comfortable writing this here than a private note. Ill only tag this with 196 because eh, why tf not.

[savofid]

Guess I'll do the thing where I mention that this is gonna talk about nightmares and physical abuse, along with some other stuff that might bother some folks. I'm gonna keep adding it, though: if you need content warnings, you're probably in the wrong place. If you're still here, how did you even get here in the first place? This is where I scream into the void.

Call it a delusion of grandeur, I don't really care, but I do think that the way that I dream isn't normal. You're telling me that you're regularly not yourself, have no memory of the waking world but do have intricate knowledge of the world you're inhabiting that's accurately balanced against your lot in life. You have full tactile feedback, up to and including temperature, humidity, wind, fine detail like grains of sand or the slow accumulation of sweat in your socks (along with the bits of stray fiber getting caught on a poorly trimmed toenail), and, most importantly, the complete and total ability to feel pain, even those you'll likely never experience in your lifetime, most of them being ones you wouldn't exactly experience for very long or ever again. This is the normal dream state for me.

I say this because this also applies to nightmares. I used to be able to yank myself out of them, back before I had an anxiety disorder. Now? Well, now I'm stuck in them, and my subconscious knows it. I've been saying for a very long time that I genuinely believe that my subconscious hates me and wants to make me suffer as much as it can. The few regular dreams I have are merely to try to make me let my guard down to maximize the impact of the next terror it's cooked up.

All this to say that I had a bad dream and my entire body hurts. Like, I can still feel certain injuries I sustained in it, namely the hard kick to my back, just to the right of my spine and right in my ribs, and this having been done by my most recent ex. I feel like I gotta mention again that this was a dream, not something she's done in real life.

All zero of you that have been here before and have read the mess that I've been might know that she hasn't exactly been kind to me or my psyche throughout all of 2023. Hell, just brief interactions with her can cause me to have a panic attack. The series of nightmares my subconscious has cooked up about it all definitely hasn't helped. A common theme to all of them has been her total desire to possess me in some way. In most of them, she's tried to kidnap me or has outright done so, having been this unstoppable monster in spite of my best efforts. In one, she was merely toying with me because she should just walk through solid materials like a ghost, just laughing at my futile attempts to protect myself.

In the one last night, she kept trying to drag me off to have me alone, but I would resist, promoting her to "get mean" because she thought I was being mean by not wanting to be carried off to an unknown location for undisclosed reasons. Mean, to her, would seem to mean just beating the shit out of me every chance she got and being violently jealous of other women interacting with me. For example, one felt bad for me having been hurt so much, so she was rubbing my shoulders to try and help me feel better. My ex sees this, sneaks into the room, has one of her goons drag this poor girl away while covering her mouth, and my ex pretends to be that girl for a moment until she's completely gone. Then, she stands up and starts kicking the fuck out of my back and ribs, trying to inflict as much damage as she can before someone stops her. To try to keep safe, I ended up sleeping in the cabinet under a sink, locking the doors on the cabinet, it all being in a room with a dozen or so other guys, the doors to that room being locked, and zero access to the outside without knocking down a wall. I also regularly employed disguises to try to escape her notice.

-- Another reminder, this was just a nightmare, not something that really happened. I mean, it feels like it did, but that's definitely not grounds to call the cops or whatever. --

If I never saw her again, be it in life or in dreams, it would be far too soon. I wish she'd just move away so I never have to see her again. Never have to worry about her walking into where I work and acting like nothing ever happened and then spending the next hour or two trying to get a handle on my heart rate before I start having palpitations or go into a screaming fit. Am I gonna do anything stupid out of fear? No, because that will spawn further interaction, meaning I have to deal with her more and the emotions get more tense and then it's just a lot of screaming. I want to see her less, not more.

[komotionlessqueenmm]

One man's trash, is another man's treasure.

(1-4)

Short story # 6

2,355 - Words

Fandom - House of Wax (2005)

Paring - Bo Sinclair X Reader

Summary - The reader finds herself & her 4 month old son stranded in Ambrose. While Bo finds himself enamored with the woman, wanting nothing more than to protect and provide for the two of them.

Warnings - Some dark topics, talk of abusive relationships, eventual blood & death, eventual smut. (I'm not sure what else tbh)

Notes - Italics mean the reader is singing.

Pt. 1 ~ Pt. 2 ~ Pt. 3 ~ Pt. 4

----

"No no no." (Y/n) sighed as her jeep sputtered and died, white smoke bellowing from under the hood. "Please don't do this." (Y/n) muttered under her breath, pulling the jeep off to the side of the dirt road, despite her desire to keep driving. "Damn it." She hissed under her breath when it died completely, flipping the four ways on instinctively. The baby fussed tiredly from the backseat, drawing (Y/n) full attention. "It alright my love." (Y/n) cooed before exiting the driver side, sliding onto the back seat, she comforted the infant. "Sh sh sh you're alright baby." She cooed as she brushed his hair away from his face, kissing his little hands. The baby's cries subsided, and he cooed up at his mother. His wide and bright eyes melting her heart, as he peered up at her. Allowing the child to suckle on her finger, (Y/n) used her free hand to check her cellphone, hoping to call triple A. "Of course." She sighed under her breath, tossing her phone into the front seat, after finding it dead. (Y/n) jumped at the sound of someone knocking on the window, looking to find a man standing there smiling at her.

"Oh you startled me." (Y/n) chuckled when she opened the door, leaving her child in his car seat. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare ya." He chuckled with embarrassment. "It's alright, no harm done." (Y/n) brushed it off before offering him her hand. "My names (Y/n)." He shook her hand with a smile. "Lester." He then pointed to the jeep. "Car troubles?" He asked as he let go of her hand. "Yeah I'm not sure what happened to it." (Y/n) sighed as she turned her attention to the jeep. "Mind of I take a look?" He tilted he head a little. "Please do." (Y/n) smiled quickly moving to pop the hood. "Where you headed?" Lester asked as he inspected the engine. "Anywhere." (Y/n) leaned her hip against the side of the jeep. "Running from something?" He asked impulsively. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked that." Lester quickly stammered. "It's alright..." (Y/n) cleared her throat. "Someone actually, I'm running from someone." She admitted. "I'd appreciate... I'd appreciate it if you'd forget ever meeting me after this." (Y/n) added. "Well a pretty face like yours would be hard to forget, but don't worry your secret is safe with me." Lester smiled, his honesty making (Y/n) smile. "Thank you Lester." Her appreciation making Lester grin. "You're welcome (Y/n), but I'm afraid I cant do much about your jeep." Lester's smile turned to a apologetic frown. "Are you sure?" She frowned a little when he nodded his head. "Well I appreciate you trying." (Y/n) sighed softly. "I could give you a ride into Ambrose, Bo owns the garage he could help you I'm sure of it." Lester suggested. "Oh I'd really appreciate the help!" (Y/n) beamed her excitement making Lester smile.

"Give me one moment." (Y/n) quickly moved to the other side of the car, unbuckling the car seat, she hulled her baby out of the car. "Oh you've got a little one." Lester observed with slight shock. "I hope that's not a problem." (Y/n) bit her bottom lip nervously. "N-no not at all." Lester stammered. "You need me to grab anything?" He asked. "Could you grab the stroller from the back?" She asked. "Sure thing!" Lester moved to grab the stroller while (Y/n) shouldered the diaper bag. "Let me lay a blanket down in the bed of my truck real quick." Lester explained as he carried the stroller to his truck, (Y/n) nodded her head in understanding as she closed up the back of the jeep, locking the doors before she joined Lester at his truck. "There we go." He murmured to himself as he laid the blanket out, laying the stroller on top of it. "Don't want to stain that up." He explained with a smile, (Y/n) smiled then looked to the cab of the truck. "I think I'll have to hold him in the truck huh?" She observed, sitting the car seat in the tailgate to unbuckle the infant. "I'm afraid so." Lester rubbed the back of his neck a little. "Oh let me get that." He moved to grab the now empty car seat. "Oh it locks into place on the stroller." (Y/n) explained pointing to where the car seat went. "Well ain't that convenient." Lester smiled as he latched the car seat into place. "Yeah it's really nice." (Y/n) agreed with a smile.

They rode in a comfortable silence for about ten minutes, before Lester struck up conversation. "So what's the little guys name?" He asked as he glanced towards the baby, quickly casting his gaze back to the road. "He's names Von." (Y/n) smiled as she lovingly stroked the baby's back. "Dose it mean something?" Lester asked with genuine curiosity. "I got it from old Norse, it means hope." She explained. "That's really cool!" Lester beamed excitedly, making (Y/n) chuckle softly. "If you don't might me asking... Where's Von's pa?" Lester asked after a few minutes. "That's who I'm running from..." (Y/n) admitted, finding it easy to confide in him. "He do something?" Lester asked. "When he found out I was pregnant... He tried to kill me." (Y/n) murmured softly, her words making Lester frown. "A neighbor heard the commotion, and he saved me. My ex went to jail, but he has friends in high places, and was able to get released last month." (Y/n) paused for a moment. "I received full custody of Von after my ex was sentenced, and when he got out I took off." She swallowed thickly, subconsciously touching the scar on her mouth from where her ex had slashed her with a knife. "He's a dangerous man, and I'm terrified that he's going to come after me, to finish what he started." (Y/n)'s confession upset Lester, he wasn't upset with her, but with her ex, a man he didn't even know.

"I'm really sorry to hear that." Lester cleared his throat, swallowing the emotional lump that had formed. "We'll be in Ambrose in a minute." He added. "Ah hell." He sighed at the sight ahead. "I forgot this road washed out last month in a storm." Lester explained as he parked the truck, I gotta flip my hubs into four-wheel." Lester explained, as he opened his door. "Oh I don't want to trouble you any more than I already have." (Y/n) reasoned. "Oh it's no trouble, I'm happy to help a pretty lady and her baby." He offered her a friendly smile, before setting to work. After he had finished his work, Lester hopped back into the truck with a grin. "Now hold on, I'm gonna take it slow but it's still gonna be bumpy." He explained as he put the truck into drive. (Y/n) nodded her head in understanding, cradling Von against her chest firmly, in hopes of not disturbing him to much. True to his word Lester took the drive nice and slow, the truck rocking this way and that as the tires rolled over some of the larger rocks. "Here we are." He murmured as they cleared the ruble, and made it to solid ground again. "Welcome to Ambrose (Y/n)." He smiled at her as he drove onto town, parking outside of the gas station. "Wow this place is really cute." (Y/n) hummed as she looked at all of the rustic buildings. "I'll go see if Bo is in." Lester offered as he hopped out of the truck. (Y/n) had nodded her head exiting the truck herself a moment later, her legs desperately needing to stretch. "Hello my sweet." (Y/n) mused at Von, who cooed up at her, a little drool dribbling down his chin.

"Bo's not in." Lester sighed as he exited the station. "He should be back soon though, he doesn't typically leave the garage empty for very long." He explained. "Well I guess I'll have to wait." (Y/n) smiled softly. "I could wait with you." Lester offered. "Oh no it's alright, I've already taken up so much of your time." (Y/n) declined his offer. "I'm sure I'll be alright, like you said he shouldn't be gone long." She reasoned as she subconsciously began bouncing Von gently. "Alright here let me grab the stroller for ya." Lester smiled as he opened the tailgate, grabbing the stroller he attempted to set it up. "The red leaver on the side, push it, then pull the stroller up. It'll lock into place with a click." (Y/n) explained, pointing to the red leaver. "Got it." Lester chuckled softly as he pulled the stroller up, smiling when it clicked into place. "Thank you Lester, for everything. You've been a real help." (Y/n) sat Von into the stroller, strapping him in before she turned her attention to Lester. "Here I've got some spare cash." (Y/n) quickly pulled her wallet from her back pocket, pulling out the thirty dollars she had. "Oh no I can't take that." Lester shook his head. "Please it's the least I can do." She smiled before taking ahold of his hands, placing the money in his palms. "What about your jeep, how are ya gonna pay for that?" Lester voiced his concern. "I've got some prepaid cards, I'll be alright." (Y/n) assured him, smiling when he finally nodded his head in agreement. "Alright... But if ya ain't got enough have Bo call me, I'll help ya out I promise." Lester smiled when (Y/n) nodded her head in agreement. "Thank you again Lester." She shook his hands before releasing him, waving as he hopped into his truck, and drove off.

(Y/n) sat on the curb outside of the gas station for about thirty minutes, gently rocking the stroller back and forth, letting Von sleep peacefully. "Go tell Aunt Rhody, go tell Aunt Rhody, Go tell Aunt Rhody that the old gray goose is dead." (Y/n) sang the old lullaby. "The one she's been saving to make a feather bed. The old gander's weeping, because his wife is dead." She reached up turning on the small battery operated fan she had attached to the stroller for Von. "The goslings are mourning, because their mother's dead. She died in the mill pond from standing on her head." (Y/n) smiled at the sight of birds flying in the distance. "Go tell Aunt Rhody that the old gray goose is dead." She finished the lullaby, softly humming in her throat the last line, drawing out the lullaby a little longer. "You've got a real pretty voice." A man called out softly, his sudden appearance making (Y/n) freeze up momentarily. "Oh thank you." (Y/n) smiled up at the handsome man, rising to her feet as he tossed his cigarette off to the side. "My names Bo, I own this shop." He introduced himself, offering her his hand. "I'm (Y/n)." She smiled shaking his hand. "Is there something I can help you with?" He asked. "My jeep broke down a few miles down the road, I got a ride from a man named Lester into town. He said you'd be able to fix my jeep for me." (Y/n) explained, idly continuing to rock the stroller back and forth. "I'm sure I can." He smiled. "Do you know what's wrong with it?" He asked as he stuffed his hands in his pockets. "I have no clue." She chuckled softly. "Well can you explain what happened?" Bo asked with a small chuckle of his own. "Uh it made this sputtering kinda sound, like it was running out of gas, but the meter said I still had over half a tank. And white smoke started coming out from under the hood, then as soon as I got the car off to the side of the road the engine died." (Y/n) explained to the best of her memory. "When was the last time you put oil in it?" Bo asked with a small tilt of his head. "Last week." (Y/n) replied quickly. "Has it been giving you problems before today?" He asked. "None." (Y/n) shook her head, not having had any issues with her jeep since before today.

"Hm I have to have my brother tow the truck back here, before I can determine what's wrong." Bo explained. "Of course." (Y/n) nodded her head in understanding. "I'll have to call him from the house, my shops phone has been broken for two weeks now. You can come with me if you'd like, give you a chance to relax somewhere a little more comfortable with your little one there." Bo offered as he glanced to the stroller, a friendly smile on his handsome face. "Yeah sure that would be really nice, thank you." (Y/n) smiled as he nodded her head, following Bo to the house on the hill. "What's his name?" Bo asked as he looked into the stroller at the sleeping toddler. "Von." (Y/n) smiled. "I like that name." Bo admitted with a grin of his own. "Thanks it means hope in old Norse." (Y/n) explained. "Well I like it even more then." Bo's smile widened a little when (Y/n) giggled softly, a notable blush painting her cheeks. "You know you and Lester have been some of the nicest people I've met in a while." (Y/n) admitted. "In my experience some of the nicest people are from rural areas like this." Bo mused, his statement making (Y/n) nod her head in agreement. "Yeah it's nice." She hummed with content as they reached the front porch.

----

Part one is complete!

Let me know what you think!

Oh and let me know if you wanna be tagged in the next parts!

Love ya!

PS this is the lullaby (Y/n) was singing, its called Go Tell Aunt Rhody.

[serenityseventeen]

♪ The Last Day of Summer With You

Dino/Lee Chan : Firefly Meadow

Chan groaned in exhaustion as he continued walking down the dirt road with you on his back.

On the way up the hill, you had tripped over a thick tree branch and sprained your ankle, which was to you, a complete disappointment. You had waited until the last day of summer to take him to a forest meadow to see fireflies only for an unplanned disaster to occur.

“Just a bit more,” You said quietly, after hearing Chan's exhausted breaths. Even though you got hurt and felt bad for having Chan carry you, you wanted to desperately see the lightning bugs. You rested your head on his shoulder and said, “I told you that you don't have to carry me all the way over here, I could walk.”

Chan, despite being quite obvious about the fact that his energy was getting drained, smiled and chuckled. “It's okay. If that sprain was not enough for you to go back, I'm just going to trust you that there's something beautiful up here,” Chan replied, looking ahead. He could see the dirt path slowly fade to just green grass.

It was getting dark and if you had to estimate, you would guess that it was probably around 9 pm. The way up wasn't easy but now that you two have reached a certain point, it was quite easy to tell that the floor was evening out. Trees were surrounding the path and Chan felt a bit skeptical about the place as he looked around.

He didn't know about the fireflies yet.

As you two traveled further away from your car that was parked at the street nearby, deeper into the forest, you could see hints of the destination approaching. You found this place when you were following a rabbit while you were young, and though you've always somewhat hated the look of bugs, whenever you saw fireflies, you'd get reminded that everything ugly in life still had beauty in it.

You wanted to share this special place, that you were sure no one knew of, with the most special person in the world. You wanted to thank Chan for being the kindest, most loving, caring, and helpful boyfriend. Through thick and thin, snowy storms and sunny weather, Chan was always there by your side. Now that another summer with him was about to pass by, you wanted to tell him how special he was.

While he continued to walk, you took out your phone and turned on the flashlight, making sure that it was bright enough to light up the night. Then, in a reassuring voice, you told him, “I have a small surprise for you, do you mind if I cover your eyes?”

“Cover my eyes??” Chan was taken aback by the question but he knew that if he wanted a good surprise, he had to at least follow your conditions but even so, Chan tilted his head doubtingly. “How long will you cover them for?”

You estimated how long it would take for Chan to walk to the firefly heaven, and concluded, “Around 30 seconds? Just keep walking forward, the path onward is flat but the grass is tall.”

As your hands went on to cover Chan's eyes, he adjusted his grip and your position on his back with a little jump and continued.

Of course, Chan was terrified. As if walking in a forest during the late evening wasn't scary enough, he had to walk with his eyes covered. Sometimes, he would even become paranoid, thinking that he'd be carrying a ghost or something, so he'd always ask you something and hear your warm responses to chase away the fear.

The meadow was like a clearing in the forest. The grass gradually grew taller and there weren't many trees anymore, only one or two in the middle of the field.

At first, you were afraid that the glowing bugs wouldn't be there, or if there were, there wouldn't be many, since fireflies were primarily present during late spring to early summer. You did know, however, that sometimes fireflies could live on or have twinkling bottoms a bit later in the humid weather. You just had to hope that there were some.

With a soft sigh, you looked down at the meadow.

More disappointment. You should have checked for fireflies the day prior. You felt stupid for not doing so.

There was nothing.

No twinkling bugs, no fairyland.

With a sigh, your hands slipped off of Chan's eyes.

“We're too late. The fireflies are gone.”

“Fireflies? What fireflies?” Chan asked. You let yourself down and while hopping on one leg, you took a hold of the tree behind you. The bark was rather smooth rather than rough.

“In the summer, there are fireflies here. I should have taken you here earlier, at the beginning of summer, not at the end...” You looked down, plucking a piece of long grass and fidgeting with it, feeling that everything had been ruined. You continued to mutter, “I wanted to make it special so that you could know that you're special to me.”

Chan felt his heart smile. “Well, it's okay, we don't need to see fireflies... I don't like bugs anyway.”

He had a joking tone, meant for you to laugh, and he didn't fail at that. You just found yourself chortling at what he said because you knew it was somewhat sincere.

“The fireflies are really beautiful,” You commented, looking ahead at the darkness of the forest. “I will make sure to take you here again to see them.”

“I'll wait for that then, but you don't need to wait to tell me that you adore me,” Chan replied, putting his arm around your shoulders to help you stabilize and comfort you. “I mean, you already make me feel special everyday. Who needs lightning bugs? You're already the sun of my world, I don't need anything else.”

You chuckled softly and confessed, “I thought you were gonna say that I was already like a lightning bug, but fortunately, you called me the sun instead.”

Chan chuckled and looked forward, where in the distance, he saw the faint blink of a neon yellowish light with a tint of green.

You dropped your head, and commented quietly, “Still, I think we wasted our time coming up here.”

There was a silence of words as Chan stared at the firefly, subconsciously reaching his hand out toward it. It flew rhythmically, from left to right, high to low, eventually landing on Chan's hand. You were staring at the ground, still bummed, when you felt a slight tap on your shoulder.

You looked up and were met with a cute little beetle. The bottom of the beetle was glowing and its little light was somehow enough. You and Chan looked at each other, amazed at the little beauty. You both smiled, your eyes reflecting the bug's neon glow, your eyes following it as it flew off into the distance.

“I think the climb was worth it,” Chan said, turning to you. He took your hand and gave it a soft kiss. “We got to see a firefly like what you wanted.”

“That's not what I wanted, I wanted a whole pack of them. It would have made this meadow light up like a magical land!” You smiled as you complained, knowing that you felt satisfied.

Chan clapped his hands together. “I've never seen a firefly up close but it looked and made this land so magical, it almost felt unreal. Anyway, I'm happy to have come here with you. It felt special.”

You smiled, chuckling at your boyfriend's simple but sincere words. You could tell that not one of his words was an exaggeration even if it did seem like it since the sentences were so brazen.

“Thank you,” Chan said, brushing his thumb across your hand softly.

You didn't know how to respond. You just felt euphoric at the beautiful moment, making it seem like a hundred fireflies were lighting up the place brilliantly when there was only darkness and the flashlight from your phone as a light source.

You felt thankful to that one lightning bug that was like a blessing.

Noticing the shifting weather, Chan slipped his hand away from your shoulder, walked in front of you, and crouched down. You couldn't see his face but you were sure that he was smiling as he said the next sentence in a gentle voice.

“Climb on, honey, let's head back.”

---------------

© serenityseventeen

a/n: Today's IN THE SOOP ep made me cry- I cried when Seungkwan and Chan had their talk at the Tarp Zone because that was so wholesome and just so- beautiful to see them care for each other... But then I must've looked crazy because after that, I began laughing when they began reminiscing their past lol (and why are they so effortlessly funny lol) + I need to get that Dino fic done... I don't want to work on many things simultaneously, I can see the end!! + And guys- what if- what if i become a dinonara!?!? considering switching my bias to dino, sorry wonu... but I might not change??

[roselen-mylady]

In Another Life

Bucky Barnes x reader ° part seven

Summary: Waiting 88 years to find your soulmate? It was cruel. But it was a cruel fate Bucky would have to face whether he accepted it or not. Bucky was a tortured man all his life and he wasn't even granted the solace of having his soulmate at his side. All he had was the promise of one in another life. They were separated by two different times.

But the pain in their lives were connected.

Y/n had been alone ever since she could remember. All she could depend on was the soulmate that was destined to be at her side. Yet when the snap occured she lost him.

And Bucky never got to meet her.

The diner was quiet, despite the time of day. Light chatter echoed around them but Y/n could hardly notice, her gaze and attention all focused on the large, green man before her. 

Bruce Banner was another idol of hers. He was one of the only brains to compete with hers, aside from Tony Stark, and she admired his work. It was his work after all that had attracted her full attention in that diner. 

The once timid looking man who stood small and nervous during lectures now sat confident and relaxed upon his chair, shoveling the biggest portions of food she had ever seen into his mouth. 

When Steve and Nat mentioned a genius her mind had immediately come to the much more civilized Hulk, but he wasn't their first stop. No, when they pulled up at a small cabin outside of the city, she was confused. 

It was secluded so it was easy to convince herself that they had arrived at Bruce Banner's home but that idea was thrown out the window when a familiar figure stepped away from the small tent out front. She recognized him in an instant and sunk back into herself once realization struck that she was at Tony Stark's home. 

"Who's the new girl?" He asked, curiously sending a glance Y/n's way as he adjusted his hold on the girl in his arms. 

"Dr. Y/n L/n. It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Stark." Her voice cracked slightly but he didn't seem to mind as he reached out for Y/n's hand, shifting the small girl to his hip. 

"Iron Man fan?" He questioned, his grip on her hand soothing in a way. Y/n offered a short shrug, sending a warm look to the girl Y/n assumed was his daughter. 

"More of a 'Tony Stark the philanthropist' fan." A shy smile caked her face and Tony found himself returning it. It was new to him, the way someone admired his true persona rather than the superhero he had made himself to be. It was a welcomed feeling. 

"Well, Doc, since I've got you here-there's this pain in my neck." Tony slipped his hand from her own, moving to rub a spot on his neck. His daughter let her fingers entwine with his own as he did so and the heartwarming smile he gave her reminded Y/n very much of her own father. 

It seemed forever ago since she last saw his proud grin and she allowed herself to wonder what he would think of her life. What would her mother think? Would they be proud? Or would they share the same disappointment she now felt in herself for lying and cowering for so many years? 

"I'd recommend a chiropractor, I'm afraid I'm a PhD type of doctor." Her tone was strained, Steve being the only one to notice it. He knew she was thinking of her past. It was a look he had seen on too many people. A look of loss. He just wished she'd finally let down her walls. 

"I feel like I know you." 

Tony's statement sent a chill down her spine but she did her best to ignore the feeling, allowing yet another smile to grace her lips. 

"I wish." Y/n gave a short giggle, forcing away any suspicion Tony might've had. His eyes lingered on her for a moment but ultimately turned away, carrying on with their reason for visiting. 

Despite their pleas, Tony rejected their idea not that they could blame him. And while Y/n would've loved to work with him, she had just been ecstatic to meet the famous Tony Stark she looked up to all her life. 

He was the reason she took such an interest in science and technology. She was once trained to be the next Tony Stark after all. It was interesting seeing how different their lives had ended up, Tony choosing a life away from people while she chose to help them. She still admired him and she absolutely fell in love with his daughter, Morgan, an innocent replica of her father. 

There had once been a time when she imagined her and her soulmate having the stereotypical suburban life; married with kids. However when the snap occured, any hope of that life died with her soulmate. 

Yet this didn't stop her from pondering an alternative. She wondered if she and her soulmate did have a life together, what it would be like? What would he be like? Was he funny? Was he kind? Was he charming? Were his eyes really blue? 

"About what we were saying…" Steve said, capturing their attention once more. Scott wore a baffled and angry look after the whole picture interaction and Y/n couldn't help but be amused as he sat next to her with a pout. 

"Right. The whole time travel do-over? Guys, it's outside my area of expertise." Bruce explained. Y/n's heart sank and she sighed, her eyes subconsciously searching for Steve's. His eyes were still hopeful and he turned away from her trying to convince Bruce to help. 

"Y/n said she could get it started. Couldn't that help?" He questioned, almost desperate as Y/n shared a look with Bruce. She could tell he wanted to help just as much as the next guy but their entire plan rested on something that came straight out of a movie. 

"Steve, leading an experiment like this would be impossible if I don't even know where to start." Bruce tried to explain gently. Nat stared at Bruce, her expression unconvinced and even a little encouraging as a soft smirk twisted on her lips. 

"Well, you pulled this off. I remember a time when that seemed pretty impossible, too." She replied. Bruce fell silent, looking down at himself as he contemplated the decision. It would be risky but they didn't really have much else to lose, right? 

•••

Bruce had come back with them to the compound and after explaining the strategy she'd come up with, Y/n set off to find Steve. 

He'd been quiet since she'd asked him the truth about Bucky. She regretted it, having pushed him so far. But she was also kind of relieved. 

Finally she understood how her life had fallen apart. Understood why the man she feared had done what he did. 

She even understood why his eyes had looked the way they did that day. The pain and suffering within them made sense and the eyes that accompanied her nightmares only filled her with heartache. 

Would the guilt ever fade? Or would she just continue to find more things to feel guilt for? 

After a bit of searching, she found Steve in his room, leaning against the headrest of his bed. The room was neat and if it hadn't been for the few personal effects on the dresser she would've argued it wasn't lived in. In a way that was true since a majority of his nights were spent at her apartment whether it be movie nights, game nights or simply nights spent together doing their own things. 

Steve looked up from his sketchbook when she softly knocked on the door frame, leaning on it as he set down the book. 

"Come in." She wordlessly padded over, climbing up to sit next to him. Their shoulders brushed and the calming effect that came with her presence uplifted his spirits causing him to look over at her with a tender smile. 

"Let me guess. You wanna know what's wrong." He acknowledged. Y/n studied his thoughtful eyes, shaking her head with a brief exhale as she turned away. 

"You have a way of staring into someone's soul. Did that come with the serum or has it always been like that?" She asked him, her tone teasing yet a little genuine. He shrugged letting out a small laugh. 

The sound out her at ease, telling Y/n that he wasn't angry. At least not at her. Their interaction in the car had hurt both of them and Steve didn't want to continue it any longer. 

"I don't know. I guess I've always been a little intense." His smile faded slowly, allowing his gaze to fall back on the sketchbook. He'd been drawing a familiar sight, unable to get his best friend out of his head. 

Y/n followed his stare, landing on the drawing scribbled onto the page. Respectfully reaching over and picking it up, she looked up at Steve. He made no effort to stop her, watching as her finger traced the curve of the face upon the page. 

It was a rough drawing due to Steve's lack of time to really add the details he wished to but Y/n had seen plenty of his art so he didn't mind as much. Her lips parted but she didn't speak instead creasing her brow as she intently stared at the page. 

Steve had drawn Bucky plenty of times before but shamefully most had been of the Winter Soldier. He used drawing as a way to drag certain images from his head and nothing haunted him more than the monster HYDRA had made his best friend into. 

Yet this drawing was different. He drew him the way he remembered Bucky, from before the snap. When he was getting better. 

On the page was a tired man, a man she'd never seen before. There was a permanent crease in his brow, decades of pointed stares and menacing expressions having worn it into his very features. A bit of stubble had grown on his face and his hair was long like she remembered. Even his expression as exhausted staring back at her with a weak smile. 

Y/n wondered what moment Steve had drawn this from. What had happened to make Steve catalogue this within his memories. She wondered what had caused that look in his eyes. 

The eyes that stared back at her were completely different from the ones she remembered, though she knew they belonged to the same man. These were kind yet weary: eyes of a man who had broken by war and hate but still felt things like compassion. A man who saw the worst of the world but still chose to protect it. . 

"This was him?" She mumbled softly, meeting Steve's uncertain gaze. 

He nodded, watching as she looked away from him. 

This picture seemed to be her breaking point. 

All the rage and all the terror, all of it melted into the already overflowing pool of self hatred. How could she bear to think about the grudge she'd held against a man who despite everything that the world had done to him, still fought Thanos that day when the world ended. 

Today she had learned all at once the man behind the one she feared and all the hate she once felt was unjust. And as much as she wanted to hold onto it, she just couldn't. 

It was wrong. 

"You can keep it if you want." Steve offered once she had handed him back the sketchbook. She began to shake her head, trying to reason it meant more to him than to her but Steve had already pulled out the page handing it to her. 

"To remember who he really was." He reasoned. 

Y/n held it tenderly in her hands, taking care to lay it in her lap as if touching the page in any rough manner might damage the man displayed on it. 

When the silence came it didn't feel as suffocating as before. They sat there on his bed for an hour in that silence. Y/n was grateful for the time to think, trying desperately to come to terms with everything she'd been told. 

And it wasn't until Y/n was about to get up and head home for a change of clothes that Steve spoke, breaking the silence. 

"I know why you came." Steve said suddenly, making her lift her head to peer up at him. Shame flushed over him and Y/n could feel her heart drop. "You want to know why I wanted you to stay so bad. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-" 

"You think keeping me around was a mistake, don't you?" 

Steve's expression morphed into shock and he instantly shook his head at her assumption. Allowing him to take her hand in his, she felt a bit ashamed for how hurt he was by what she had said. 

"No. Never. I want you here because I sincerely believe you can help us. You can help me." Y/n sighed, her eyes landing on their outstretched legs. She let him idly circle his thumb along the back of her hand, trying to fight the urge to argue. 

"I want to help, Steve. And I think I can, just..." She trailed off. "This is your thing, Steve. Not mine. I'm not equipped for this. I wish I was, I really do." 

A frown tugged at his lips and his lashes brushed his skin briefly as his eyes fell on his lap. He knew it was unfair to her to bring her into this and it certainly wasn't okay to keep her against her will but he needed her. 

"I know. And I'm sorry. Just-" He cut himself off, shifting on the bed to face her better. She watched with an unsure gaze as he took both of her hands. "Ever since I could remember I've done what I thought was right and for a while it worked. But the past few years, I've ruined so much." 

His voice was hushed and Y/n could see how troubled he was by his furrowed brow and clouded eyes. His eyes were trained on their intertwined hands, her touch filling him with a familiar ease. One he'd known all his life. 

"Things have gotten too hard. Being Captain America isn't white and black anymore and when we lost, I didn't see a point. But then I met you and things were easy again. I didn't have to be Captain America, I could just be Steve." He confessed. 

He felt guilty, not that his words weren't true. If anything, this was the most honest he had been with her. But the guilt that seeped into his heart came from Bucky. He hadn't just failed the world, he failed all of his friends, all people he would fondly consider his new family. Could he really risk losing again? 

"I don't know if that even makes sense but I need you here. I need to be Steve." He dared to take a glimpse at her, fearing she might condemn him. Instead a warm smile graced Y/n's features, patient and kind like Bucky always was. 

"Okay." She whispered, her heart clenching as she forced the simple word. She couldn't shake the feeling that her luck hadn't yet turned. Everytime she tried to help, it destroyed everything around her. She couldn't let that happen again. "I'm gonna go get some stuff from the apartment then you have my wholehearted assistance."

Y/n carefully tucked the picture into her pocket before climbing off the bed, standing next to it as Steve swung his legs over the edge. "Do you want me to go with you?" He offered. She shook her head, pulling her hair up and tying it. 

"Nah, I'll be ok. What, you scared I'll run away?" She attempted to lighten the mood. Steve chuckled as she walked over to the door running her fingers along the wall before pausing. He watched her small frame hesitate before shooting a short glance back at him. "Hey, uh- just…don't do anything stupid till I get back." She pleaded, earnest concern in her tone as he pushed off the bed. 

A soft smirk came to his face and he lifted a shoulder in a lazy shrug. "How can I? You're taking all the stupid with you." He replied instantly, not giving it too much thought. Y/n scoffed, rolling her eyes and letting her fingers wrap around the doorframe as she stepped out into the hall. 

"Grandpa's got jokes now." She offered a genuine laugh, her smile lingering upon her lips. 

Then she disappeared down the hall, leaving him standing silently in the now empty room trying in vain to brush away the painful overlap. 

•••

When she got back to the apartment she packed a bag of essentials for herself, making sure to stop by Steve's room and pack a few extra clothes in case he needed them. Speaking of the man, she scoffed looking at the full sink. 

"Steven Rogers, I swear." A long sigh filled the quiet apartment as she set about washing the dishes he'd promised to take care of. While she was at it she took care of a few other chores since she wasn't sure when she would be back again. 

There wasn't much to be abandoned at the apartment other than a few plants but they'd been dead for a couple days at that point. She never had been one to have a green thumb but Steve claimed having them around gave the apartment some life. 

Ironic.

The walk back to the compound was peaceful even in the constant gloom of the city. Knowing there was a shift in the atmosphere filled her with a new type of feeling, one she hadn't experienced in a really long time.  

There had been people on the street, going about their business. Everything was dulled compared to life before the snap but she hadn't noticed until she knew there was something to be done. How many times she had gone about her life while something was happening behind the scenes that she had been so painfully oblivious to? Perhaps that was why the Sokovia Accords had been created in the first place. 

There were so many close calls the Avengers prevented that the public didn't even know about until it was on the news. Though she didn't agree with the Accords she understood the government's wish to be more aware and even in control. 

Once reaching the compound, Nat let her in through the gate and Y/n began her trek to the building. Tugging her hair free of the hair tie, it fell loose around her face and she cringed at the grease starting to build on her scalp. Moving through the halls of the compound, she let herself really explore. 

Despite years of friendship she hadn't really been at the compound for longer than a few hours at a time, most of the visit being spent in the training room with Nat. Steve explained he wanted to keep his friendship with her separate from his life as an Avenger and since she had been doing everything in her power to forget her past, she appreciated the separation. 

As she continued to wonder, she hoped there'd be a shower somewhere on the large complex. But before she could ask anyone, her silent venture was cut off by the sounds of very frantic voices coming from a door to her left. Hesitantly she stepped through, finding herself in a large open space with a very odd scene. 

 The horrid van had been brought in and the back glowed while what looked like a portal swirled inside it. A baby, she assumed to be Scott, stood on wobbly feet in a crudely made suit as everyone turned to her with alarmed expressions. Y/n dropped her bag and rushed forward, pushing Bruce aside as she pointed for Nat. 

"When I say kill the reactor, kill it!" Y/n demanded, adjusting the calculations on the panel as Nat rapidly walked over to the reactor. 

"Kill it!" Y/n called. Nat's frantic hands quickly pulled down the knob, turning off the reactor before looking back over to the van. Scott had returned to his position and normal age, his face contorted in shock and confusion. 

"Somebody peed my pants." Scott proclaimed making Nat sigh, walking over to them. Y/n let go of her own sigh of relief, stepping away from the control panel. Bruce looked over the work she'd done, his eyes widening for a split second before returning to Scott. 

"God, I leave you guys alone for one hour! I told you not to do anything!" She cried, sending an aggravated look at Steve. He cowered under her detested glare, bringing his hand to the back of his neck. 

"But I don't know if it was 'baby' me or 'old' me...or just 'me' me." Scott elaborated, earning an annoyed stare from Y/n. However Bruce did not share her agitation, holding up his hands dramatically. 

"Time travel!" He announced, a proud grin on his face as he looked to the others for the same enthusiasm. Steve refused to reply instead shaking his head and stalking off toward the exit while Y/n tried to calm her racing heart. She made them promise to wait for her. She knew something like this would happen. 

"What? I..I see this as an absolute win!" Bruce called after Steve. Nat and Y/n looked at one another before moving to check on Scott. He was fine other than some wet pants and suit which Y/n painfully took knowing they'd need the suit for another test run, one she knew she'd be leading. 

"Here, Bruce." Y/n tossed him the suit. He caught it with a scrunched nose, holding it at arm's length with a disgusted expression. 

"That's what you get for not waiting." 

Part eight

Taglist:

@cancanmarvel

@jessyballet

@eldahae

@mc225g

@kissesofdeadforme

@wantingtobekorra

@sxphiiwrld

@lunaticbarnes

@indecisivedolly

@saiyanprincesswanie

@lextheflexsthings

[accomplice-tendou]

Chapter Nine

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗠𝗼𝘃𝗲

At least he gave me my car back.

After a somewhat normal day at work the following afternoon, you walk back to your car. However, instead of parking it in your normal spot, it's parked further in a less populated area since technically your car was stolen. You subconsciously begin to have a small debate with yourself about the man who turned your world sideways over the course of a few days as you continue on your walk.

He doesn't seem like a bad guy. Maybe letting him bribe me with nice things isn't such a bad idea. Wow, I definitely sound horrible saying that.

Once you get home, you unlock the door and set down your keys. Once your eyes glance over to the room your jaw practically drops to the ground. Labeled cardboard boxes litter your floor. It looks as though someone's moving in... or out.

"Hello?" you nervously call out to anyone who may be in your apartment, "T-Tendou?"

"Ah shit... one second!" his voice calls from the other room.

A minute later the tall man enters your line of vision.

"Hey Y/N what's up!" he brightly calls out to you.

"What's going on here?" you ask skeptically as you watch him place down another box that seems to be filled.

"Well first of all I'm pretty sure I told you to call me Satori but I'm just helping you move out!"

"Move out? What the hell are you talking about!"

Tendou makes his way over to your kitchen as he avoids answering your question. Your eyes quickly dart to the gun on the counter in the same spot as usual.

"You see, I'm packing your stuff so you can move in with me!" he beams as he picks up yet another cardboard box.

"Why do I have to do that?" you huff, "Won't it look suspicious if I just up and leave suddenly?"

"Of course it will," he laughs, "very much so."

You groan and make your way over to your couch. Placing your hand on your head you try to dismiss the headache you began to get at the sight of your apartment and thoughts swirling in your brain.

"Ya know Y/N..."

You look up and see Tendou giving you a shit-eating grin from above along with a dramatic pause before he continues his speech.

"You're probably going to be thought of as an accomplice now."

An audible gasp escapes your mouth as Tendou's words ring in your ear. Right away you realize that he's right; you will be thought of as an accessory to the incident at the bank. The detective probably already assumes you erased the video footage and you did lend Tendou your car even though you didn't have much of an option.

"Do I have a choice?" you ask as you look at him in a somewhat pleading expression.

Although you didn't enjoy your life before you met this man, you can't help but wonder if it's a wise decision to go with him.

"Not reaaally," he admits, "my friends aren't too keen about you yet so-"

"You don't have to threaten me," you sigh, "I'll do it. I can't really think of a reason not to."

As you began mentally listing out the pros and cons of going with Tendou, you realized there isn't much downfall so long as you don't get caught. As much as you hate to admit it, seeing as it may be a weakness, you don't feel as though the man standing before you would hurt you.

"There you go!" he beams, "Now you don't have to go back to that shitty ass job!"

"Hey come on that was a low blow," you pout.

"Oh, uh, s-"

"I'm just kiddin' Satori calm down!" you laugh, "That job was the worst."

Tendou lets out a loud sigh before taking a seat beside you.

"Man, Y/N, you really had me going for a second there," he says before taking a dramatic deep breath.

"So your place, huh?"

"Yep," he hums as he slouches down a bit, "So it shouldn't be all bad with a roommate, right?"

As Tendou looks over at you with his grin, you can't help a weird feeling in your stomach. You let out a quick nod before abruptly stopping as you notice that you're closer than you would like to be with someone who's bribing and threatening you, but you can't help but feel as though you're... enjoying it.

Tendou puts a hand on your chin and gently tilts your head up to look at him. You do your best to look away and avoid the heat rising to your cheeks. You long to feel his lips press against your own but find yourself confused if your feelings are wrong.

"Good."

The next morning you begin unpacking your things into Tendou's house. From the moment you arrived, you were nothing but stunned at how nice his place was. On the outside, it seems just like a normal home but within was a completely different story.

When you walk inside you're greeted with tall mint walls, new wooden flooring, and a white false ceiling. Your jaw practically dropped to see the furnishings were well matched and gave the room a comforting feeling even though it was large in size.

"Wow, this is really your place?" you ask as you step down into the sunken living room.

"What do you think? You like it?" he asks with a hint of worry in his tone.

Does he actually care if I like it or not?

"Y-Yeah it's really nice..." you trail off as you look around.

"Come on," Tendou grunts as he indicates to the box full of clothes that he's carrying, "let me show you to your room."

Tendou leads you to the second floor of the house and down the hall into an already furnished room.

I guess that's why we didn't take much of my crappy furniture. This is way nicer!

"Alright there ya go," Tendou breathes as he drops the box he was carrying onto your already made bed, "Well I'll leave you to it. I might come in a couple times for the other boxes but I'll mainly be downstairs. Call me if you need anything alright?"

"Sure," you nod half-heartedly as you look around the big room.

Your new room is very clean looking despite the number of pillows, blankets, furniture, and plants that Tendou had filled it with. You're extremely impressed at the way he was able to pull off something that suited your style even though he's only been to your house a few times.

Oh god, what if he's been to my house more times than I know of?! He wouldn't do that, would he?

Once you've done most of your unpacking you decide to go downstairs to check on your new roommate. However, as you descend the stairs you hear the doorbell ring and Tendou running to answer it.

"U-Uh what are you guys doing here?" Tendou answers the door in a hushed voice.

"What the fuck are you talking about we're here because you never told us what you're going to do with-"

"Shhh, shut up!"

"What's wrong?" a different voice asks, "Shirabu was just asking what you planned on doing with the girl."

Your hand immediately shoots up to your mouth, trying to prevent any noises from escaping as you internally break down.

Oh my god, they were going to do something horrible to me...

"Man you talk so damn loud," you hear Tendou groan, "Y/N is staying with me now so you gotta keep your voices down!"

"Staying with you?" a third voice interrupts, "What's wrong with you?"

You hear a slap followed by a low groan from Tendou. You then hear a bit of mumbling that you can't quite make out.

"Y/N, darling, I know you're listening can you come out here please? It's not nice to eavesdrop," Tendou's voice says gently.

For a moment you hesitate whether you should go out or not. Nevertheless, you end up slowly walking down the rest of the steps and around the corner where you find six tall men staring at you.

One of them, who you already know as Tendou, wears an extremely proud grin on his face as he extends his arm out towards you.

Another with what seems to be dark green hair has an intimidating expression but looks at you as if you've done something despicable to him.

Three others stare at you with unreadable expressions as if they're still processing the fact that you're standing before them.

The last, wearing a bowl cut, has his mouth hanging wide open as he follows your every move.

You walk over to Tendou reluctantly until your standing at his side. He then begins to introduce you to the men before you.

"The pokerface looking guy is Miracle Boy!" Tendou begins as he points to the green-haired male.

However, the 'Miracle Boy' tells you that his real name is Ushijima.

"And this is SemiSemi," Tendou points to the ash blonde beside Ushijima who wasn't giving any real expression until now.

"It's just Semi," he barks back while narrowing his eyes at Tendou.

"Yeah, yeah, anyway next we've got Benkei," he says as he moves on to the next male sporting an undercut.

You're taken back for a moment as the male addressed to you as 'Benkei' begins smiling. He offers out his hand for you to shake and says that his real name is Reon.

"Nice to meet you," you smile back.

"Anwaaay," Tendou interrupts, "Now we've got-"

"Shut up and don't give me any ridiculous nickname," intervenes the male with uneven hair, "I'm Shirabu."

Lastly, Tendou introduces you to "the little genius with the cool hair," who bows before telling you that his real name is Goshiki.

After making your own introduction, a slight pause fills the air until Ushijima bluntly interrupts it.

"So did you talk to the cop."

The whole group freezes up as they look towards Ushijima. You feel your body become stiff as his icy glare pierces your soul.

"U-Uh w-well," you stutter out as you begin to notice the rest of the men awaiting your answer.

"No," you finally speak boldly, "Of course not!"

If this is going to be my life now, I can't just let these guys push me around.

"Besides," you scoff as you look straight back at Ushijima, "I up and left my home. I'm part of this now too!"

Ushijima only nods in response. However, you notice a few of the others' faces become more relaxed.

Shirabu lets you know that he's glad you feel that way while giving you a firm nod and Reon lets you know that he's happy to have you on board.

Tendou gives you a side hug and pulls you in closer to him. You let out a small gasp but do your best to keep the heat rising in your face to a minimum as the other men observe the interaction.

"Hell yeah! I've got the best accomplice!"

[palettememoriesofyou]

Hey! I can finally send in the ask I've been thinking about. Can you share a memory you have with Roxas? It can be good, bad, silly, romantic, whatever comes to mind first!

There’s so many I can choose from, it’s hard to pick just one… 

Let’s go with the time leading up to when he became my boyfriend. It’s a little good, bad, silly, and romantic all in one. But there’s a bit of context that goes into this. Roxas and I had been really close friends for a while and I think we had both hinted to each other of our feelings and desire to take our relationship to the next step more than once. It probably would’ve happened sooner, but Roxas was… confused about some things at the time. 

It was during a bit of a trifling time for us. I told Roxas that I never learned how to ride a bike before, so he surprised me one day with a brand new bike and decided to teach me. It was a cute surprise turned sour when I ended up spraining my ankle pretty badly. Bad enough that Roxas had to take me to the hospital, anyway. My dad found out and he was livid. He was already weary of Roxas because of his lineage, but the fact that an idea of his resulted in me getting hurt was the last straw. So he pretty much said I wasn’t allowed to hang out with him anymore. Probably needless to say, but I was not happy about that.

 Still, Roxas and I kept talking. We would stay in touch on the phone and we would video chat each other every night. We’d even fall asleep on the calls together and wake up the next day still in call. We wouldn’t even hang up unless we really had to. Like, I’m pretty sure we broke some kind of record for hours spent in a call together. 

That distance was starting to kill us, though. I think we both were starting to realize just how much we missed being together physically. Those innocent late night talks gradually became a little spicier as time went on. A little deeper… a little more intimate. Until one day, I decided enough was enough and told him to come over after my dad left for work. 

While I didn’t want to fully admit it to myself at the time, in hindsight, I invited him over because I wanted to take our relationship to the next level. I had gotten to know him so well by that point that I think I already subconsciously viewed him in the same category as I would a boyfriend. Even if we didn’t exactly have the title quite yet. So, I guess I figured it was time we consummate our relationship. I think Roxas felt the same way, even if we both pretended to act like it would just be an innocent get together like usual - deep down, we knew why we were there and what we wanted to do. 

Still, I wasn’t going to be caught dead confessing first, so I let Roxas take the lead and just prayed it went where I was hoping it would go. He seemed a little nervous, but ultimately he was the first to admit his feelings. That took the weight off my shoulders and I was able to admit that I felt the same.  

I’ll never forget it. We were sitting on my bed and our proximity was slowly but surely closing. Our lips were inches away from brushing against each other before my dad ended up barging into my room just before anything could happen. Gosh, my heart must’ve been racing a million miles a second. Dad was furious and it looked like he was close to physically assaulting Roxas had he not gotten away in time. 

I was just as livid as Dad, though. Looking back, I guess I understand a little more. It was a betrayal of his trust, and I feel bad, but at the same time… I was sick of having my life lived out for me. I was done with lacking the freedom to actually do whatever I wanted to do. So, I lashed out at him and it really put a strain on our relationship for a bit. 

Around that time, Roxas had finally gotten a hold of a gummi ship and he was ready to travel to other worlds like he always dreamt of. He called me and asked if I wanted to leave with him. I did, but I was still unsure. Dad was already mad enough, I couldn’t imagine how devastated he would’ve been if I left. But something happened that changed my mind… 

Xion. 

She ended up coming to my house and encouraged me to take up Roxas’s offer. Apparently, she had just recently confessed her feelings for Roxas but he couldn’t accept them because he told her he had fallen for someone else. It didn’t take too much rocket science for Xion to figure out that it was me. Even worse, Roxas told her there was a time when he did consider the possibility of being in a relationship with her, but assumed Xion only saw him more like a brother. But the fact that Xion had a chance and just didn’t take it was what really hurt her the most. With teary eyes, she told me not to waste my opportunities like she did. That I should seize the moment and go for what I wanted, or else I’d become regretful like her. I think that was when Xion became my best friend. 

I was running out of time, though. Roxas had to leave Destiny Islands at a certain time if he wanted to stay on schedule, so I had to hurry. I took a shower, packed up a few things, and wrote my dad a letter telling him that I loved him, but that I wasn’t going to stay trapped in my room all day because of his paranoia… 

And I ran. 

I ran as fast as my legs could carry me. I was sweaty, my heart was pumping, and by the time I finally met Roxas at the point where he told me to come once I made my mind, I was hunched over, breathless, and barely conscious. 

That was when I laid it all out. I told him not only that I had feelings for him. Not only that I cared deeply about him. Not only that he had become my best friend. That he had become one of my greatest support systems. My rock. The one I confided in the most. The person who could make me laugh but also stimulate my mind with our in-depth conversations....

But that I loved him. I loved him so much. God, I love him. 

And with a smile that’ll be drilled into my memory bank forever, he took me into arms and we sealed the deal with a kiss. 

“Took us long enough,” he said. 

[thiscrimsonsoul]

Wanda, I've noticed that you wear a lot of rings. Why do you like them so much? Is it simply because they're cute or is there any meaning behind them? Anything to do with how you use your hands to project your powers? I love rings and I would like to wear them but I'm a tall girl with very thin fingers so my rings usually fall off ;-; Sad. I need smaller rings XD

“I do, yeah...” Wanda said, looking down at her hands where several rings lay on her fingers. “I don’t know why I like to wear so many. Well... a couple of them are special to me because Pietro stole them for me, so... I’ll never take them off if I can help it. But the others... I don’t know, I guess wearing them just gives me this sense of calm. Like a grounding feeling.”

“No matter what is going on or how nervous I feel, I can look down and still feel like myself. Still... feel... that I haven’t been changed by the world, that I’m not going to change. I can’t really explain it any other way than that. It’s part of my identity but also calming for me mentally. Because it’s my own aesthetic built with not just what looks good to me but also with sentimental pieces, and that core self is something I don’t ever want to be too strongly influenced by outside forces. If that makes any sense to you at all...” She smiled shyly, wondering if the other understood what she meant. “Also I’ve just always loved my hands. I use them to play music, to call my magic... and Pietro always used to hold my hands to comfort me when we were little. So why not adorn them a little if they mean so much to me. Right?”

“If you need smaller rings, try getting ones that are split in the back or that have a bypass design. Then you can kindof pinch them closed gently to make them a smaller size. I’ve had to do that with some of mine.”

__________

{out of paprikash} Okay, I’ll answer this both IC and OOC, because this is something that relates to the mun as well and I have a lot of headcanons regarding this. I wear many rings daily as well, two of which were given to me by my mother who is now deceased. I was very close to her, and while my other rings may change, those two never do. It’s a way of carrying her with me at all times, and there are times when I feel anxious or overwhelmed (like at a recent doctor appointment, for example), and I look down and feel comforted by having something with me that she gave to me. I headcanon that Wanda feels the same way about the rings she wears that were stolen for her by Pietro. Especially after his death, it’s a way to still feel close to him and carry him with her.

In addition to this, I know that at least for myself, my jewelry is part of my identity and personal expression. I have severe anxiety and one of the facets of that is social anxiety. Basically, every time I step out of my house I feel like I’m putting on a mask (and no, not the pandemic kind). I feel like I’m partly subconsciously and partly consciously trying to blend it, seem normal, act how others expect normal people to act, while on the inside I’m anxious, nervous, afraid, or upset depending on where I’m going and what I have to do. Wearing rings for me is like wearing emotional armor. When I look at them, I’m brought back to myself and what matters most to me. I can say... I’m still myself inside, even though I’m having to put on a face for the world. Some of the rings I wear are things I bought myself after novels I wrote to commemorate the accomplishment, or they have symbols that mean a lot to me, and like I said two were from my mother, so it’s like a profile of what’s most important to me sitting on my hands. So when I feel overwhelmed, not in control, anxious, etc. out in the world, I can look at them and remember who I am. It’s comforting to me.

Another point to mention is that... for myself and I know a lot of other people who have anxiety, pulling your hands inside sleeves is something that feels comforting. Whether it’s being able to clench your fists around the fabric, or not knowing what to do with your hands and now you can hide them, or whether you want to fidget with them but don’t want others to see, pulling them into sleeves can be comforting. Of all jewelry, rings are things you can see for yourself from your point of view. When you pull your hands inside your sleeves, you can still feel them, or if the sleeves don’t go all the way over your hands, you can still see them. Bracelets will get covered and lost. Necklaces unless they’re really long and earrings are more for others looking at you. But rings are very personal because you can touch them, play with them, see them, feel them in ways you can’t with other jewelry when it’s on you. I know people with anxiety who really love “spinner” rings or “puzzle” rings that one can play with in times of stress. It’s the same idea. And we all know that Wanda has anxiety and PTSD and that she does do the sleeve thing with her hands when she gets anxious... like when she made that really bad mistake in Lagos in Civil War and was watching new reports about it:

See? Hands in sleeves. But the rings are still visible. I don’t know, these are just things that I’ve noticed about myself as a person with anxiety who wears a lot of rings daily. I think some of them might also apply to Wanda. It would make a lot of sense to me if they did.

Does anyone else have any thoughts on this? I’d love to hear other people’s headcanons regarding this. And as always, if anyone else has any questions or comments about my headcanons, feel free to ask! I always enjoy asks like these! =)