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polypd · 2 years

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music headcanons for jrwi pcs:

under cut because this got SUPER long

🪶 Jay- probably listened to a lot of classical music growing up, still has a healthy respect for it and knows how to play the piano and violin but she listens to a lot of undersea music with Gill because she likes the sounds. She doesn't really appreciate music too much just because for her it was always a chore, but with Chip and Gill who both express themselves with it so often, she's starting to like it more.

🪓 Chip- probably a lot of very lively, bar/festival kind of music. The foot-tappy kind. He plays an old beat-up guitar that he's had for most of his life and refuses to replace, and he plays a lot of lullabyes that aren't exactly right because he had to make most of them up from memory since Arlin used to sing them to him. He's always humming or whistling something, half the time it's made up.

🌊Gillion- He listens mostly to traditional undersea music, lots of very deep, drumlike noises since those are the ones that travel underwater the best. most of the songs are meant to be sung with large groups of people and dance circles are very common, so Gill sometimes leads the crew in impromptu dance circles. He has done this in random taverns multiple times. He's classically trained in almost every u dersea i strument but will not play unless asked.

👻 William- he listens to a lot of 80s and 90s music because of his parents, but he's started to branch out into pop music but especially the really quiet singers (that i hate). he listens to billie eilish and also tiktok mysic because he likes it. His parents forced him to learn an instrument in Middle School so he plays the flute but he's mostly forgotten how.

🥾Dakota- probably lots of punk queercore, think Dog Park Dissidents (go listen to Dog Park Dissidents). He also definately listens to a lot of videogame soundtracks and dubstep that dont have music, especially when he's overwhelmed. He hyperfixated on learning the drums once but hasn't played them in forever so he probably isn't very good at it anymore.

🔪 Vyncent- Probably mostly videogame soundtracks, the ones that remind him of home. There's definately some games he has to play on mute or he'll start freaking iut abuut how it looks so similar to home but sounds so wrong. His actual music tast was probably inspired by Ashe the most because he was the one who shares it the most. Most of the Greats play instruments but I don't have the space to list that all iut so maybe in another post.

✨ Rumi/Elena- rumi absolutely loves tavern music but is also very good at playing softer songs, which they would play to help peter fall asleep. As Elena, however, they're branching out into trying new things. Music was something consistent throughout most of their identities as a way to express themselves but every time it was through some pre-made character, so now he's having to figure out what kind of music he wants to make. She definately appreciates music for the self-expression and communication aspect of it (something I could rant for a very long time about,) and she holds a deep love and connection because of that.

🪨 Peter- never really listened to music until he met Elena, who plays music to him as a way lf expressing her love. He doesn't fully understand it, but he does think it's very sweet. Sometimes they'll play to him while he's painting, and he usually gives the painting to them afterwards. (gift giving love language mf). Elena sometimes experiments with new songs and asks Peter for advice on them, just like he does with his painting style.

🤖 Thanatos- He was never really a fan of music, not even when he was human. He did, however, act as a metronome for Rumi when they needed one. He also gave a lot of advice about new songs. Rumi went to Oetwr and Thanatos both because Thanatos would give honest criticism and Peter would give honest compliments, so it was a good balance. Sometimes when he's reading the Atlas of Untold Stories, he sees an entry about Elena playing music to Peter as they just enjoy each other's company, and sometimes he can hear the phantom sounds of musical notes from long ago.

💼 Rolan- listens exclusively to Kian's music and a couple of old mixtapes Rand and Kian made for him back in highschool. He doesn't want to try branching out because he's scared he'll hate something, unless it's something Kian and Rand introduce him to. He doesn't listen to it very often, though, because it reminds him too much kf them. There's one song he always has to skip because it's the one he was listening to That Day. Sometimes he plays it on purpose just to remind himself he wasn't crazy. It doesn't really work.

🚬 Rand- His music taste depends entirely on his mood, he just listens to whatever he wants in the moment. Sometimes he listens to Kian's music or a copy of a mixtape he made for Rolan and wonders how they're doing, and sometimes the reminder is too much and he can't stomach even the mention of Kian's name on the radio. He's angry-cried so many times because the radio starts playing one of Kian's songs or a song that he introduced to Rolan and he has to pull over so he doesn't crash because of his breakdown.

🎸 Kian- never actually listens to his own music. Instead, he listens to songs he used to plsy for Rolan and Rand back when he was still teaching himself the guitar. Some nights he sits alone in his room, gently strumming his guitar only to realize it's one of those songs he's playing unconsciously and he just cries.

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princess-of-the-corner · 1 year

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someone once told me the hardest part of creating an OC is dressing them

so far, yeah I have zero idea how to dress Vox

like apart from the "looks like a monster" jacket and mask, the other thing I thought of was street gang stuff using this as a reference (source: Crownslayer from Arknights)

but yeah it's been hard to come up with a design i'm happy with, let alone find a way to visualise it (using picrews cause i'm not exactly great at art)

did you have a particular design for ariel when you came up with her at first?

Character design is a pain in the ass lmao.

Ariel's design was..... complicated.

The earliest design of Ariel as recognizable 'Ariel' and using that name did look somewhat like the current version, though she wasn't a Dragon at the time. But large with bright green eyes and a lot of red hair was the overall design.

But that earliest design was somewhat more of a 'self-insert OC' energy. Ariel has since become her own character, even if she has some base there. She wasn't intended to be more than a one-off really. But then I got attached to her design, tried to shove her into my OCs(non-fandom OCs) so I could use her more, scrapped her as it didn't work out, eventually brought her back as a side character in TMOLR and she evolved into the Dragon Witch she is today.

Anything earlier than that would be the other self-insert characters that were either based off me or an 'idealized self', but I don't quite count them as 'Ariel' in the same sense. In part because they're all very different design-wise as I'd change them depending on how I had changed as a person along with various hyperfixations.

Although in reference to other OCs, I've found that their designs and even personalities and just general everything can change over time.

One of my OCs from something entirely original went from 'that red-and-black emo kid wish fulfillment self-insert we all made in middle school who had all of the Magic Powers and was the basically God' to 'late 30s/early40s robotics engineer and mother of two who is a bit feral with her designs and is still a God but would very much like her worshipers to leave her alone please'.

So yeah like. OCs are a lot and they change so much over time.

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scover-va · 2 years

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whats the haunted house au and do u have any hcs for it

oKAY SO-

Aside from some shit about Chandrelle, Lazarus, and SWK, majority of this is made up on the spot, because I develop aus more easily by talking about them than just thinking about them. Fun fact! Au was thought of because I was listening to I Ain't Done (The Crane Wives) and was like "Heehoo dead lovers" and then the brain train just went on from there. Like always, info under the cut. Also it contains descriptions of violence and death, so proceed with caution!

So basically, it has a similar type of vibe to Spooky's Jumpscare Mansion, where you got the protagonist going through a large haunted house with all the inhabitants tryna kill them. The protagonist in this case would be Lionel himself, though I haven't fully figured out WHY he's an the haunted house. Probably something Carla related, I'd imagine she's the main villain here

And instead of going by their canon names (or their canon titles, ie the platformer, the fighter, the sorceress, etc.), each of The Hex characters got their own titles. Oh and also none but FPP and Reggie have a connection to Lionel in this au, they're just vengeful spirits who are having their anger used against them

Super Weasel Kid/SWK, who in this au is an actual human kid, is titled The Forgotten, a kid who was once a popular kid in school before quickly losing said popularity. In this au, he basically had a hyperfixation on weasels, hence the association here. Think of Gin from YTTD, it's like that. Anyways, after falli g out of popularity and quickly becoming hated by the rest of the school, a few kids cornered him after school, attacking and killing him. Carla finds his spirit, and lets him stay at the haunted house. Aka an abandoned house she's basically made into a little hangout for herself. SWK would only attack if aggravated, though you can lose him by getting out of his line of sight. Unfortunately, he's pretty quick. He's covered in several wounds like cuts and bruises, though the most prominent one would be a large, bloody bruise on the side of his head from having his head slammed into a wall numerous times, which was the killing blow. You can get through his section without killing him, though you can kill him if you want to. Killing a ghost basically just makes the soul stop existing. Bam, gone.

Second would be The Taken, Bryce. He used to work in a small family restuarant with his grandma, having no known parents or siblings. Well, obviously his grandma knows his parents, but seeing as how they abandoned him, she doesn't care to make a reunion happen. They didn't deserve it. Moving on, Bryce eventually got kidnapped from his home in the middle of the night, waking up blindfolded and bound. Unlike in canon, he gets no formal training before being forced into an underground fighting ring, one that was most certainly illegal. All the fighters had been in a similar situation as him, taken from their homes in the middle of the night. He only ever knew of one that made it out, a woman who made a connection to one of the employees working at the underground ring who got her out in exchange for carrying out his dirty work. Bryce didn't know for a few months what would happen to those the ring deemed unworthy, though got to witness it for himself after winning his first fight. Bhakto, a martial artist monk who came from a long line of fighters, had lost far too many fights to be considered entertaining. The outcome was known at this point, being beaten by a lowly chef. Bryce had to watch as the crowd cheered for the first time for Bhakto, the man being shot in the head. Bryce did his best to try and avoid his fate, but when he eventually met the same ending of no longer being entertaining to watch, he was shot execution style in the back of the head by the ringleader. He went back to the restuarant, watching over his grandma, who had set up a memorial for him, since he was legally pronounced dead after being missing for so long. Carla visited the restuarant one night, saw Bryce, and talked to him when no one was looking. He only attacks if you attack him, only fighting in self defence. It's possible to get through his section without killing him, and it's honestly recommended considering the circumstances. Obviously, he has a gunshot wound in the back of his head, and no other visible injuries.

Next up are The Lovers, Chandrelle and Lazarus. A dead married couple who got killed in their own home. They're always seen in the halls together, very rarely apart, with Lazarus constantly ready to protect Chandrelle like a loyal knight. Chandrelle's kinda the reason they got killed, having been associated with some dangerous people. She and Carla vaguely knew each other through work, since Chandrelle knew one of Carla's coworkers. In the haunted house, Chandrelle attacks on sight due to feeling no remorse or guilt, whereas Lazarus only attacks if Chandrelle is attacked. Even if he himself is attacked, he won't violently fend for himself, just simply blocking the attacks. You have to kill Chandrelle to pass The Lover's section, though Lazarus can't be killed in this section. Because if you're attacking him, then chances are Chandrelle's close enough to attack you, and Lazarus can block attacks. You can't. They're both covered in burn scars. As well, Chandrelle has a gunshot wound in her forehead, and Lazarus has one in the side of his head. A mercy, compared to the flames. Chandrelle's acquaintance, Vallamir, told Carla about the dead married couple, and so they were brought to the haunted house.

Next up, The Wanderer, Rust. Rust, a dead single dad, died trying to protect his son. They got attacked by a group of robbers, and Rust fought back to keep his son safe. Rust ended up getting killed in the process, having no idea what happened to his son, and being found wandering the streets of the city in the middle of the night. Carla let him take refuge in the haunted house, and in his confused, grieving state, he agreed. Wandering the halls of the mansion, floating around in search of his son, he doesn't attack for the first half of his section. He'll simply just be searching. And then *something* changes in him, and he becomes violent on sight, never losing track of you once he finds you. He can attack far range, so distance really only works if you are around a corner or something, logically unable to be shot at. The trigger that sets off his anger is Lionel/the player finding a strange device, turning it on. On it is a map and buttons in accordance to the areas in Rust's section. Pressing a button in one of these locations makes Rocky's voice sound out, which Rust immediately starts trying to follow, and sees you as being the reason Rocky's here and possibly in danger. Hence the constant attacking. He'll only switch his focus away from you when he hears Rocky's voice, leaving you safe until he sees you again. He has several gunshot wounds in his body, none of them having been immediately fatal, but he still didn't last long once shot. You have to stealth your way out of Rust's section, unable to kill him, leaving him to forever search for his son.

Next, Lazarus makes a return, now being titled The Widow. Angry and grieving, he now attacks on sight after Chandrelle gets killed, still maintaining that loyalty. He just looks miserable at this point. He no longer tries to defend himself, though his injuries slowly heal, so you have to kill him in one go. Because doing it slowly over the course of his section won't do anything, the new injuries going away. Same with Chandrelle, killing him is mandatory, and you can't get out without killing him first, finally letting The Lovers rest in peace.

Last of the main 6 would be FPP/???, The Unknown. FPP is completely obscured, only hints of a hat and a trenchcoat being visible. He doesn't float like the others, just walking around his section, searching. How he attacks and how often is constantly changing. Sometimes he'll only fight in self defence. Sometimes he'll attack on sight. Sometimes he'll perfectly track you down. Sometimes he won't. Sometimes he attacks far range. Sometimes he attacks close range. There's no predicting what can happen, strategy being thrown out the window. You just simply have to follow the messages on the walls. Instead of being made directly by Lionel like in canon, FPP is actually made by Carla. Made up of her resentment of Lionel, FPP is basically a copy of Lionel, having no real identity, being only one of three non-ghosts in the mansion. FPP can be dealt with in one of two ways. Killing him isn't an option though, as any damage dealt to FPP is immediately also dealt to Lionel, and vice versa. FPP attacking Lionel in an attempt to kill him is basically a murder-suicide. So, you can either get out by following the messages, or by going through basically a story arc. FPP is the only one you can peacefully deal with, since he's made up of Carla's resentment and anger towards Lionel. Basically, Lionel has to man up and apologize for what he did. The route you take doesn't change the story going forwards, it's just that the forgiveness route gives more depth to Lionel and FPP.

I still need to...actually figure out where Reggie and Jeremiah fit into all this plot wise. I don't wanna make Reggie the exact same person as Barry, so I need to figure out a reason as to why there's a duplicate. Probably something to do with Lou/Satan. We'll see. I'm thinking for their section, it's like. Borderline horror type shit. Like. If they catch up to you, it's an instant death. And also it's dark. And you can't ever see where they are until it's too late, just following dimly lit lamps. Very very creepy. Only way of knowing where they would be would be Jeremiah's scuttering and the creaking of Reggie's wheelchair. If Jeremiah kills you, it's a black screen with a gunshot noise, followed by the gameover screen. Reggie's, however, is a dimly lit look at his face for a couple seconds. And also a minute or two of choking noises in the background when the game over screen pops up. Fun.

Last up for the inhabitants would be Carla herself, The Vengeful/The Clown. Sado doesn't properly exist as a separate person in this au, instead just being Carla's alter ego. A Jekyll and Hyde situation. While creating FPP, Carla had used herself as the test experiment, hence the alter ego. Like in canon, Carla and Lionel's friendship ends after he starts being an egotistical asshole, the two of them having started constantly being at odds. Something huge happens (though i haven't decided what), causing Carla to grow hateful and angry. At some point after this huge, undecided event, she runs into Lou, and ends up getting a proper association with the devil. So that's. Fun for her. Anyways, thanks to all this, she ends up now being able to see spirits, hence why she's able to bring the others to the haunted house. During her fight, Sado goes first. It's basically a huuuuuuge chaotic shit show. Because it's Sado. What the fuck else were we expecting. Anyways, after defeating Sado, the appearance changes go away, now revealing a wounded Carla. She shouts at Lionel a bit, before her fight starts up. Where Sado's was more performative, like you're in some sort of circus performance, Carla's is...not that. It's hand to hand combat, no weapons allowed, and she is VERY easily able to stand her own ground. Losing to her shows a game over screen of Lionel becoming one of the spirits in the haunted house, eternally tormented by those you didn't kill.

When you do beat Carla, blah blah blah more shouting, there's two ways to go about this. One, Lionel talks things out with her, and Carla lets him leave. Two, Carla gets so fucking pissed off with Lionel that she kicks him out. Obviously there's more to it than that, but y'know.

Buuuut yeah! And THAT is what I got so far for the Haunted House au. Holy fucking shit that took a while to type out. I'll post more details (maybe even short fics, we'll see) about the au as I come up with them

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moth--knight · 2 days

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if you don't mind sharing, how exactly did you find out you had adhd? and how did you get through college w it?

hi anon!! not a question I expected haha, but sure, I can answer (but I rambled sorry, so putting it below the cut)

I didn't realize I had it until I got to college, mostly due to interacting with peers who also had ADHD and whose experiences mirrored mine in startling ways. I had always been a good student in terms of like, grades? But I struggled with getting ANYTHING in on time. It was like there was a mental block preventing me from doing even the most basic of things. Sitting down to focus on a simple 200 word response felt like pulling teeth despite the fact that I was objectively a good and fast writer, and pretty much every assignment I have done since middle school onward I have done at the VERY LAST MINUTE. I nearly flunked out of my first semester of college because despite having As in all my classes, I could not for the life of me get myself to write the final papers for three of my classes. My professors were kind enough to give me extensions of a full two months - and yet every single one of those papers I wrote the night before the final deadline, crying on the floor of my dorm room until 7am. I didn't understand WHY I couldn't just fucking sit down and do it. It did not help that I could focus on shit like video games for HOURS without moving. I would forget to eat, forget to sleep, forget to use the bathroom - I always felt very fucking useless and lazy, because I *could* focus, but never on the right thing. Not to mention that I could not form habits to save my life. Even now at 25, remembering to brush my teeth twice a day is like, nigh on impossible. Lol.

In college I met some friends who were diagnosed with ADHD, and all of them were pretty much like "hey your issues with hyperfixations and an inability to focus on simple necessary tasks and an inability to keep habits and so forth all are very ADHD coded my friend" and I was like "NAHHHHHHHHH. NO WAY. I'M FINE." <- words of a guy who was NOT fine

Even worse, my partner at the time had a therapist who just from stories of me was like "btw maybe you should tell your bf they probably have ADHD it could help them" which is like. Deeply fucking funny kdfsgfhdkjsal Anyway. My own therapist eventually also was like "99.9% sure you have ADHD" and I was like "sick what do I do then" and she was like "well you could get tested and get on meds" and I was like "ahahahahahahaha well I cannot afford that so nah"

I had no insurance in college and every dime I made I spent on HRT or sent it home to my family. So. I basically ignored the problem. Which. Was not helpful. Lol. Quite frankly looking back I am not sure how I managed to graduate at all. I was under severe and constant stress because of the way ADHD was ruining my life as a student. It was not fun.

I didn't really *accept* that I had ADHD though until after college, and I still have never gotten a formal diagnosis 1) because I don't have that kind of money to throw around tbh and 2) I don't need a doctor to tell me what I already know.

BUT. YOU ASKED HOW I GOT THROUGH. SO HERE ARE MY TRIED AND TRUE STRATEGIES

Whenever possible, I tried to set up parallel working sessions. I often sat with a large group of friends/peers in our library and we would work together. Having other people with me helped keep me on track, and even when I spent half the time talking, the other half I worked. Working alone I often got NOTHING done. Parallel play saved my ass on many nights and for many assignments. My junior/senior year when we had to go remote because of COVID I swapped out in person for video calls with multiple people. Same sort of vibe. Now as an adult if I want to get something done, I still hop on a video call with my friends. It helps me focus to have other people there, and the background noise of conversations is soothing almost. I don't know why, but it works.

If you can, have some sort of schedule imposed by outside forces. I really fucking suck at habit forming, and so making lists and just saying "I am going to do this then" does not work for me. But having set times I would go to class and go to work helped me manage my time better, and carve out blocks that FORCED me to work on what I needed to get done. I color coded my schedule and made sure that my class hours and work hours were regular; it made my 'free time' also more structured around those mandated times, which helped a little. It also caused me a lot of stress though. There are tradeoffs for everything I suppose.

Walking and pacing!!! This sounds nuts but like. I luv maladaptive daydreaming and have since I was a kid, so I kind of adapted that to help me with school work. If I had an essay or something I would put on some music and go for a walk or pace in my dorm room and just think about the assignment. It helped me generate ideas so when it came time to sit and focus, I had something to work with rather than staring at a blank page. I really suck at sitting still and thinking, so moving around helped me a lot.

Speaking of, I took a LOT of breaks. Which seems counterintuitive I guess, but allowing myself to get up, go get a snack, go chat with someone, etc, made it easier to come back and sit down and work rather than trying to just sit and focus and fail to focus for hours on end. I took lots of breaks but also got small pieces done in between every break, so it all added up in the end.

Anyway, sorry, this is a lot. the TLDR is I spent my schooling years either unaware or in denial of having ADHD, and it destroyed me. I wish I had accepted it sooner, and I wish I had more adults in my life that could have saw the signs and helped me.....but alas.

Even so, I developed ways to cope that I still use now. It helped me a lot to start talking to other people who also have ADHD because it made me feel less alone. I've also tried very hard to reframe my thinking of myself as lazy/useless because like, I am not either of those things! I just have a disorder that makes shit hard! GRAH!

I have no idea if any of this is helpful anon, but I hope ??? it can be. I don't want to presume anything BUT if you too are in college and struggling I am wishing you the absolute best and I hope you can find a good support system. (And if you ever want to chat, my dms are open <3)

#asks

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successfulheist · 11 months

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HELLLOOO!!! I have been hyperfixated on Modern Warfare since December (call me a fake fan all you want I DON’T CARE !!!) and I made three ocs BUT THIS IS MY MOST DEVELOPED, MOST FAVOURITE ONE!!!

This is Reina Ramos-Gray!

She has been part of the military since 2008/9. Originally, she joined to be a translator; she grew up speaking English and Tagalog, and easily picked up Spanish whilst learning is at school, as well French. However, she quickly changed her focus into becoming a field soldier. Very early on in her military career, she was highly skilled in hand-to-hand combat, melee weapons, and general stealth.

Early on in her military career, she had a boyfriend. She was only young, but felt as if she had met someone she’d be very happy to settle down with this man. However, he died on a mission he was assigned on. It took a while to get over, but she was close with her squad mates and had unconditional support in that time.

She raised to the ranks of Lieutenant due to her exponential effort in her field. At this point in time, she has also gotten another partner, and they had made it official right before she led her first large scale mission in 2017. But after that disastrous mission (where multiple of her soldiers got killed, she lost the opportunity of gaining vital information on a large crime gang, went against the orders of her own higher ups, and ended up being held hostage for almost two weeks, as well as her partner being shot when they tried to save her), her rank got removed and had to be moved to desk duties due to the substantial injuries she faced. This is where she went back to translations, and soon dog training.

During 3 long years of recovery, she had several physical therapists and constantly requested a transfer; she didn’t click with any of them which affected her attitude towards her physical therapy appointments. Soon, around her third requested transfer, she got assigned to a Medical Support Officer named Isabelle ‘Izzy’ Parker, and they immediately bonded. From that point, Reina was a lot more eager to go to her physical therapy appointments, especially since she had become close friends with Izzy.

After she had recovered to a similar similar point to before her injuries, she went back to field work. Eventually, (right at the very end of Modern Warfare 2019) Reina was enrolled into the 141 due to her outstanding skills with melee weapons, hand-to-hand combat, and experience with stealth missions. At first, she was hesitant to join the task force at first, but when she found out the main medical team they’d be assigned to the team was the one that Izzy led she was more eager to join, knowing that a close friend would be close by.

One time when her and some others were celebrating a successful mission, she met a man called Alejandro and had a one night stand. Even though the both of them definitely had strong feelings for one another despite it being a simple hook up, Reina cut it off before they could keep in contact; she was afraid that such strong feelings like this would crumble and ruin her career she had just recently rebuilt, and the fact she had lost many partners before during her time in the military scared her to commit to any more relationships. She didn’t think she’d seen him again anyways

However (if it wasn’t obvious enough) Alejandro is the same Alejandro that is the Colonel of the Mexican Special Forces, and Reina did see him again after three years when her, Soap, and Ghost went to Las Almas to find where Hassan was hiding (I am literally writing a 13 chapter story about their relationship OH MY GODDD). In the end, they both realised that their feelings never dissipated, and happily decided to keep in contact and try out a relationship.

Some fun facts!!!:

•She is left handed

• Her middle name is Agatha

she is EXTREMELY embarrassed about this fact and only Izzy knows. Alejandro eventually finds out but he laughs and gets made to sleep on the couch

• She is an AVID trinket collector and will always get some cheaply, cheesy tourist souvenir whenever she visits a new place

• Mainly focuses on callisthenics and will always just do some freaky contrition shit to annoy people

REF SHEETS!!! In order it goes: Normal clothes, vitiligo pattern, tactical gear, and then family tree!

This is art I made before her semi-redesign but it’s mission related!! I thought it’d be fun to share even though it’s a bit outdated!!

The other character in the second image is my friend’s oc Izzy!! Her and Reina have SO much lore and so many funny stories that we’ve created AAAA I LOVE MAKING OCS !!

YES Reina is shipped with Alejandro. YES I am cringe. NO I am not going to stop drawing the ship!!

I LOVE THEM BOTH SO MUCH !!! I LOVE WRITING ABOUT THEIR DYNAMICS AND THEIR LIFE TOGETHER !!! I LOVE THEIR RELATIONSHIP SO MUCHHHHH!!!

#mw2 oc #cod oc #modern warfare 2 oc #call of duty oc #cod mw2 #oc #military oc #i love her so much #she’s so <3 #LITERALLY CRY OVER HER ALL THE TIME #cod #call of duty #mw2 #modern warfare 2 #orginal character #own character #I wish she were real #:((

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shirtlesssammy · 3 years

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5x12: Swap Meat

At a bar, a woman sits alone, enjoying her margarita, when one Sam Fucking Winchester wanders over and asks the barkeep ---NOT at all awkwardly--for a banana daiquiri. He’s either deep undercover or something is seriously hinky. There’s a lot of sugar in banana daiquiris, Sam. Crystal introduces herself and Sam introduces himself as Gary! She then propositions him, much to his cluelessness.

The poor dumb boy puts it together and “would love to have the sex with [her].” We then pan over to see Sam REALLY isn’t Sam at all.

Housatonic, Massachusetts

36 Hours Earlier

Sam and Dean visit Donna, an old babysitter --well, she was a maid at a motel they’d stay at while John went hunting. She looked out for them. It seems that her family house has a poltergeist problem. Bumps and broken items have led to the thing attacking their daughter, Katie.

Katie lifts her shirt to reveal “Murderd Chylde” carved into her abdomen. I'd get some serious vaseline on those wounds if you don’t want scarring, Katie. Yeesh. Sam and Dean tell the family to skedaddle while they take care of things.

They stop at a diner for food next. Dean picks up their order from the counter from Banana Daiquiri Gary! He’s not impressed with Sam’s salad shake, and neither is Dean (but when is he ever?)

They talk about Donna and how she’s got a good thing going. Dean asks Sam if he’d want to settle down at all and have a family, and Sam answers, “no.” Dean looks contemplative about it.

Sam finds lore on the house. A Samuel Pickett owned the house in the 1700s and hung a woman, Maggie Briggs, there for witchcraft. As the brothers talk, we watch Gary hyperfixate on Sam.

Sam goes to check out the town’s archives for where Maggie Briggs was buried. As he’s walking back to the motel, he hears a noise and then gets shot in the neck with a dart. Lights out, Sammy.

He comes to later, wearing Gary’s work uniform. He starts walking but the cops pick him up claiming his family is worried about him. “My brother called you?” Sam asks, incredulous.

No. The cops take him to a suburban house where a worried couple pops out and hugs Sam in relief. He asks who they are and in return they want to know if he’s drunk.

They keep calling him Gary. It’s then that Sam looks in the window of the cop car --and sees his reflection. He looks like Gary!

Meanwhile, Gary is checking out his hot new bod. Dean shows up and wonders where he’s been. Gary placates him with food. He also tells Dean that the maid saw all their weapons and they better get out of there. While Dean uses the restroom, Gary gets rid of all Dean’s phones.

THEN he has the NERVE to ask to drive. He doesn’t get far. And quite frankly, Dean’s spidey sense should be spiking through the ceiling at this point.

Sam keeps trying to reach his brother, with no luck. He calls the motel to learn that the two dudes in room 102 left in the middle of the night. So, Sam starts digging through Gary’s stuff and discovers items of witchcraft. Before he can dig too much further though, he’s called to the family breakfast.

His “dad” starts grilling him about getting drunk the night before. Sam’s got better things to worry about than placating some dude he doesn’t know. He also needs to learn more about Gary, so he starts interviewing the family about what they've noticed in him lately.

The dad wants to know if Sam’s “smoking drugs”. Sam then asks if they’ve ever seen him with a black book recently. His sister, Sydney, reacts to that question. The mom reacts to him eating toast --his allergy to wheat gluten!!

Sydney later reveals to Sam that there IS a book.

Gary and Dean are still working the case. Dean informs Gary that they have to search graves for Maggie’s body. Nerd of Nerd’s Gary knows exactly where Maggie Briggs is buried: Isiah Pickett’s basement. He also reveals that he murdered her and her unborn child before burying them in the basement. Dean connects the ‘murderd chylde’ clue.

Once in the car, Bob Seger starts blasting, and Gary tells Dean to turn it up.

Sam continues to leave messages for Dean. He ALSO has to navigate the tortures of high school again. Sam meets two of Gary’s friends and asks where his locker is (he’s still drunk, after all).

For This is a Look TM Science:

(And let’s pause for a moment to enjoy Sam’s striped hoodie. Definitely one of the top 5 wardrobe choices on this show.)

He finds the book in the back of Gary’s locker.

Gary and Dean find the grave in the basement of the Pickett house. Dean gets to digging while Gary aims his gun at Dean. Before he can shoot, the ghost comes out to play. It starts beating up the both of them but Gary’s able to burn the bones.

Gary’s extremely nosy friends follow Sam out of the school. While it looks like we’re gearing up for some good ol’ Ferris Bueller shenanigans, Trevor shoots Sam in the throat (GAH) with a sedative dart.

Meanwhile, at a bar, Dean orders a burger with extra bacon and a fried egg on top. Excuse me...I need to go eat an entire branchbouquet of kale in retaliation. Mysteriously, Sam orders the same thing. “Who are you and what have you done with my brother?” Dean asks. But it’s just a lighthearted comment and they raise a toast to a successful hunt.

Gary’s over the moon overabout the day he just had. His joy makes Dean suspicious the way nothing else has. Oh, you sweet sad sunflowers. Gary lays out Sam Winchester’s happiness list: 1) gun 2) getting drunk 3) looks like Sam Winchester.

“You ever feel like your whole future is being decided for you?” Gary asks. OH YES, Dean tells him. I forget for a minute that I’m watching a season 5 episode as the Dean-Winchester-feels-trapped-in-the-narrative-sorrow threatens to overwhelm me. But there areis no time for FEELINGS when the narrative must go on! Cut to later in the night, when Gary gets picked up by the woman in the bar from the cold open. Dean puts his thinking face on while Gary ecstatically leaves the bar.

Back at Kid Kidnapperz clubhouse, Sam’s tied up. Trevor calls Gary and asks him if he’s killed Dean yet. “I’m working up to it,” Gary replies while sitting shirtless under a leopard print bedspread in the cougar’s lair. (Just...no on SO MANY LEVELS.) Sam listens to this with great alarm.

Sam demands to know how these rando teenagers know Dean. “Everybody knows Dean. He’s Hell’s most wanted,” Trevor retorts. Sam puts two and two together and comes up with a coupla dumb kids who took a deep dive into witchcraft and started talking to demons.

“You’re just kids,” Sam laments. Trevor and Nora fill in more blanks. They were messing around with a Moste Dark Booke of Witchcraftery, as one does, and suddenly Gary went into a trance and drew a fairly decent picture of Dean. Gary also heard a voice - it was setting a bounty on Dean’s head, and apparently broadcast through the witch trance network.

Gary heard a voice in his head - it was setting a bounty on Dean’s head, and apparently broadcast through the witch trance network. Nora now has second thoughts, so Trevor ups his stupidity game and starts to summon a demon.

That night, Gary creeps into the motel room and grabs Dean’s gun up from a nearby chair. He cocks the pistol. . He aims it at the shape under the covers...and Dean grabs him from behind and demands to know who he really is. (Silly Gary, Dean stopped sleeping under covers after he got back from Hell.)

Back in Trevor’s basement, he finishes the demon summoning. Nora looks up with black eyes.

She’s very interested to learn that they’ve got Dean Winchester in their sights. Trevor tells her where Dean is immediately. She absorbs this and swings her attention to Sam. She realizes it’s Sam “Boy King of Hell” Winchester sitting there and is suddenly VERY interested. Trevor asks her where his reward is, and when he pushes for it she first taunts, then kills him. (All the while Sam is in the background GRINDING HIS TEETH.)

Gary weeps, tied up in the motel room while Dean listens to voicemail after voicemail from Sam. Gary babbles about Sam’s whereabouts but it’s too late. Demon!Nora saunters in and lobs Dean across the room. Wherps. She offers Gary a powerful future but first he’s got to meet “the boss.” All he has to do is say “Yes” and they can have a nice chat together! Very sneaky! Dean attacks her while she’s cooking up her big plan and then Gary and Dean tag team an exorcism, freeing Nora of the demon. Later, Gary performs the incantation to swap bodies with Sam again. (I shake my head yet again that THIS is the ONLY body swap episode we got in the whole fifteen season run. What a goddamn waste of comedy potential.

With Sam restored to normal (or as normal as a Winchester can get), Dean confronts Gary. He tells him that if he were just a little older, he’d be dead right now. With those comforting parting words, they bring Gary and Nora back to their lives. Sam tells Gary to quit his whining about his life. It’s possible to rebel in a “healthy, non-satanic way.” Furthermore, he tells Gary that he wishes he had his life. Once the kids are out of earshot, Dean comments on Sam’s kind words. “Totally lied. Kid’s life sucked ass.” The apple-pie family crap is stressful, Sam decides.

Maybe they just don’t know what they’re missing, Dean rejoins, and I calmly tie an anvil around my ankle and drop it off a cliff into a dramatically large canyon.

They head out into the rainy night...to fight another day!

Doppelquöter:

You ever think that you'd want something like that? Wife, rugrats, the whole nine?

No matter how much you fight it, you can't stop the plan. The stupid, stupid plan

Um, I wouldn't exactly call praying to our dark overlord “goofing around”

Want to read more? Check out our Recap Archive!

#spn recap #dean winchester #sam winchester #spn 5x12 #swap meat #supernatural season 5

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ciriceart · 3 years

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OC profiles: the Lawson family

From the now-defunct semi-interactive comic/creative writing projects, “Hunger, Nevada”, “Far From Any Road”, and “Saudade”.

The plot of these three stories cover topics and conflicts such as learning to relate to those around you, breaking toxic cycles, smalltown stagnation and the isolation of close-knit communities, and metaphorical (sometimes literal) body horror monsters that slowly poison towns and families. I wrote these stories from the ages of 14 to 21, and they're all very much a reflection of myself and my perspectives/outlook at those times. I still go back and revisit certain areas, but can't see myself rewriting them in full any time soon. I feel like that would be a disservice to my past self - I used these to sort out and explore my own feelings and hangups, and they served their purpose, but I still draw and talk about the boys more often than I expected I would when I drew my first doodle of Ellis and Lawrence in 8th grade detention. This post is just an infodump about the family of the main characters. I'm not getting into plot details just yet. Though it is worth noting, this was at the height of my Silent Hill hyperfixation, and Ellis and Lawrence began life as the protags of my imaginary Silent Hill fangame for which I made an entire gamefaqs walkthrough because I did not know how to write or draw too well. That doesn't really matter too much now, I just think it's fun.

The Lawson family consists of Francis (or Frank) and Amalia Lawson, and their two sons, Ellis and Lawrence.

Frank is a large man, about 6’3 with green eyes, short auburn hair, and a beard. His skin is somewhat pale but has a minor farmer’s tan from working outdoors, and there’s a spatter of freckles across his entire face. He sometimes wears rectangular half-frame glasses and uses a walking stick.

Amalia is about 5’4 and stocky, with dark brown, almost black hair cut in the patented Mom Bob(tm) with bangs and dark eyes. Her face is somewhat oblong with round, soft features and her skin is a warm mid-to-light brown.

Ellis ranges in age from 17 to 26 across plots. His facial structure favors his father. He’s about 5’10, has very light brown skin, freckles on his face, arms, chest and shoulders, dark eyes and auburn hair. As a teenager, his hair reaches to about his jaw with an off-center part, and he keeps it short and parted on the side as he gets older. He usually at least attempts to comb his hair back but half of it just falls back in front of his face anyway. Sometimes sports various non-serious injuries such as scratches and bruises. He’s rough-and-tumble.

As a teen, most of his outfits consist of torn up jeans, skater shoes, and a plethora of graphic or band tees. Sometimes an old flannel stolen from dad, or black canvas jacket. As an adult, he wears mostly intact but faded black work pants, black or brown work boots, a plain T-shirt and often an unbuttoned overshirt with either short sleeves or the sleeves rolled up.

Lawrence also ranges in age across stories, from 9 to 17. His facial structure favors his mother. He has pale skin, freckles across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose, green eyes, and auburn hair in a short, choppy buzzcut that he later grows out to reach past his shoulders as he gets into his teens. As a child, he’s very short and scrappy, and then becomes gangly and awkward as a teenager.

As a child, his wardrobe is typically all childish graphic tees and cargo shorts or jeans, all picked out by his parents. As he gets older, he becomes introverted and shy, always covering himself up in an absurd number of layers – he's often seen wearing a short-sleeved shirt with long sleeves underneath, either a flannel or sweater, and a massively oversized forest green jacket with a red fleece collar. He usually sticks to plain, slightly baggy jeans and sneakers.

Frank and Amalia married in their mid to late 20’s and moved to Frank’s hometown of Ansley, [state redacted].

Frank works in a hardware store and as a repairman. Some years ago, Frank suffered a spinal injury, resulting in chronic pain and his use of a walking stick. He still works at the hardware store and takes repair jobs, though he’s unable to work as often or for as long as he used to.

Ellis drops out of high school in the second quarter of 11th grade to work full-time at the hardware store and begins picking up smaller repair jobs around town. Lawrence, being much younger, is not employed but occasionally does smaller tasks such as sweeping up or organizing shelves after closing hours, or tagging along with his brother or dad on repair jobs to help where he can.

Amalia works at a packing and shipping facility in the city. She works overnight, six days a week with Mondays off. She’s usually home about an hour before her sons have to get up for school. Amalia’s pack a day smoking habit and Frank’s temper are the subjects of most conflicts, but they never progress past passive aggressive remarks or heated discussions. The family occasionally relies on financial help from a man named Mike, whose family has been friends with Frank’s for several years, to make ends meet. He’s often the reason that their heat and water stay on.

The Lawsons are a practicing family of Amicists. They regularly attend service at The First Church of the Shoal United in the next town over. More on Amicism at a later date.

Ellis has a lot of pent up resentment toward authority figures and “grown-ups” in general, even into his own adulthood, due to Backstory Reasons I won’t get into here.

James, Marie, Robin, and Brian are Ellis’ friends from high school. They mostly sit around smoking pot and watching bad movies, sneak out to drink at the park after curfew, and attempt to skate in vacant parking lots.

James was held back in middle school and is one or two years older than the rest of the group. Most parents in town still call him Jimmy and think he’s a very nice boy. If asked to describe him, his long line of ex-girlfriends would say “he’s so nice, but GOD he’s so dumb.” Marie was closer to Robin and James than she was to Ellis, so they didn’t hang out outside of the group at all. She thought Ellis was kinda weird, but not a “bad weird” so she never mentioned it or complained. Robin is that sort of midwestern emo girl in everyone’s math class who’s an artist, but all she draws is semi realistic eyes with elaborate eyeliner in her English notes. She regularly gets into arguments with Ellis and James on what genre different bands count as. Brian is the obvious stoner friend who would be kinda chill to hang out with if he weren’t so loud and annoying about how his parents totally don’t even care and just like, totally let him do whatever he wants.

Dropping out of high school to work a fulltime job, having no interest in college, minimal relationship experience, and staying in such a small and rural town leads to Ellis becoming socially isolated and unable to fully relate with people his own age. He slowly falls out of touch with his friends and people he knew from school, preferring surface level interactions with older coworkers, relatives and friends of the family.

Lawrence, as a result of his older brother’s attempt at parenting while Frank and Amalia are working, learns to be untrusting and uncooperative as well. He picks up a smoking habit by age 14, often stealing them from Ellis or from their mom's purse when she’s home, and sneaks out of his and Ellis’ shared bedroom through the window at night.

Lawrence is a nice kid, but struggles to make friends. Throughout all of middle school and into high school, he only manages to befriend two others named Catherine and Donnie.

Donnie is Brian’s little brother. He and Lawrence aren’t actually friends, but they tend to tag along when Ellis and Brian hang out at each other’s houses. Catherine has known Lawrence since they were in third grade, but they never hung out until they got put in the same advanced math class in middle school.

As he gets older, Lawrence begins to neglect his few friendships and social life in favor of fiction; most notably stories and unfiction focusing on the occult and supernatural, as well as a video game series called Sprout Friends, a puzzle game involving farming and anthropomorphic fruits and vegetables. If he isn’t hiding out on the rooftop of the house at night, he’s locked in the bedroom playing one of multiple Sprout Friends titles, or hunting for strange occurrences around town during the night.

Fun fact: Ellis' middle name is Layne, and Lawrence's middle name is Elijah. I thought it would be cute if their middle names had the same first letters as each other's firsts.

#ocs #lawrence #ellis #they have drawings go look at them

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real-talk-time2004 · 3 years

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I just figured out that I may be autistic

I self diagnosed myself with anxiety during early middle school and got officially diagnosed after I had a massive panic attack at a social event, which finally convinced my family that I was not overreacting; it was not puberty; there was something different about me.

And for a while I was fine, I never did well with making friends anyways and being in large groups and that was fine; I knew this about myself. I have one friend that I tell everything. We share the same interests, hobbies and hyperfixations so I never noticed that I was talking so much about my interests, so much to the point that it was more than normal, because my best friend also had these same interests.

It wasn’t until I met a girl who was self diagnosed with autism and I started seeing a whole new perspective on people with autism, how it affects them, and why this girl had never been diagnosed before. In my lack of experience; I had only heard of people getting diagnosed with autism when they’re around 2-4 years old, and many of them are boys. I took two classes that centered around helping autistic people, but it was just recently that I realized those kids I were helping were kids with very severe autism.

The girl I had just met was not that

And by met I mean I found her on tumblr and I was very interested.

When I get interested in something I search it up and learn as much as I possibly can. That is when I found another woman named Paige Layle, a 20 year old autistic woman living in Canada. She made shirt tiktok videos and YouTube videos about her autism and her perspective on many issues surrounding autism.

The more she talked about her symptoms and why she wasn’t diagnosed with autism until she was 15 made me even more interested in the topic. However the more I watched her videos, the weirder I felt.

She was talking about things that I felt, but I never told anyone. All the symptoms that I could never explain; most of which I thought were normal kid things, but they weren’t. It was then I heard her talk about masking (or otherwise known as camouflage).

It’s why so many autistic teens (mainly girls) are not diagnosed with autism until later in their life.

One of the main things I learned about autism is that autistic people or people with autism don’t understand societal norms or cues, however they can copy them. This is mainly stemed from childhood trauma of not fitting in or being bullied because of autistic stims or tics that autistic children do; that are not considered normal in society.

So to fit in with the rest of society, autistic children learn how to copy what society deems as exceptable. This allows them to appear neurotypical when in reality their symptoms are still there; they’re just hidden from society.

I have spent weeks researching this and taking multiple different tests and I realized most of the information I put on this post is my own personal experience.

I have not spoken to many autistic people, I don’t understand how it feels to others or how I look to other people. But in the recent events I feel as if my brain is tired of masking and of trying to understand why society deems things as acceptable or unacceptable.

My symptoms have started to shine through the mask I created that I didn’t even know was created in the first place until someone with a similar story said “hey I have autism and this is who I am”

If you are autistic as well, let me know if you also feel these things. No matter how much research or studying I do, I can never truly understand how it feels to other people.

I’m not asking for your help or your pity. I don’t want people to feel bad for me because I am still a person. Even if I do have autism; that is not all of me.

I am asking for your guidance, for your stories and symptoms and that may be too much to ask (I honestly have no clue) but at least give me the benefit of the doubt

Be honest, because I can’t read your mind. I don’t know if you’re being sarcastic or not, or if you’re hinting at something.

I am embracing myself

This is going to be a long journey

But I hope I find something along the way

-Kay

#autism

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metalbatandzenko · 4 years

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About me taking breaks from this blog

Hey everyone!

You might have noticed that I’ve been taking intermittent breaks from this blog. I try to announce it when I am, because falling off the face of the earth isn’t exactly courteous of me.

I’ve been getting a lot of asks asking if I’m alright and/or if there’s a reason why I’m kind of shutting myself off.

And here’s the thing. I know I don’t technically owe anyone an explanation for why I’ve been doing that.

But I do want to give one.

So think of this as more of an update I guess? Anyways, update under the cut.

Warning: it’s long.

So, about why I’ve been taking breaks/why I haven’t been as interactive lately.

I’ve been rolling this around for a long time and trying to form the words to express all this.

There’s several major factors going on here, but the TLDR is I have an issue with feeling guilty about everything, even when I have no obligation to a person or situation, and it’s tanking my mental health.

1. The first, and most inconsequential, is I’m back to school.

I’m a full time college student generally and have been since I started this sideblog. But as of this semester, I’ve officially transferred to a new university, which means school is taking up more of my time.

I’m also in an honors program now, which means maintaining a 4.0 is—for financial reasons—more important than ever. I’m a bit stressed out, I’m not gonna lie!

Also, the switch to remote has been a particularly rough one. I’m having a really hard time defining the boundary between “school and homework time” and downtime, which means anytime I spend not doing homework is really just spent with me feeling overwhelmed with guilt that I’m not trying to get ahead in class.

2. The world is kind of going through shit right now.

I’d be a liar if I said the state of the world isn’t killing my motivation. There’s a lot of shit going on, and it’s overwhelming. It feels like the second we slow down to catch a breath, a new tragedy hits.

3. My depression is kind of killing me.

Like everyone, isolation is fucking with me. It has the fun side effect of piling onto my depression, so I’ve been really having a hard time finding the will to do anything, even things I enjoy.

This also links to that feeling of guilt over not being productive: I want to do something I enjoy, but I can’t because I’m consumed with guilt over the fact I’m not meeting some perceived “productivity quota”, so instead of doing that work, or doing something I enjoy, I do nothing. I’ve been sleeping more these past few months than I ever have, but I’m still tired all the time.

4. Family matters.

I’m lucky in that I’m quarantined with my parents, so I have some interaction, but that also means that I am quarantined with my abusive father. As a closeted, nb gay mixed-asian, being forced to spend almost all my time with my violently racist, homophobic and transphobic white dad has been uh. not great for my mental health.

He also just finished his second round of treatments and we’re waiting on a prognosis to see if he’s cancer free or not, so I’ve been grappling with my extremely mixed feelings surrounding him (as well as the fact that I’ll likely be outed at some point and have to plan for an emergency exit when I live in a different state than the rest of my family and the majority of my friends in the middle of a pandemic) for the past six months or so.

5. I have been teetering dangerously close to full burnout for about five months now, and I think it’s finally hit.

Like I mentioned, I’m sleeping more than I ever have in my life. I’m tired all the time, and I keep getting hit with waves of just. really aggressive sadness and isolation. I’ve cried more in the past month than I have in uh. years.

Writing fanfic is a hobby. The problem is, my hobby overlaps with my major: I’m a creative writing major, so a lot of my creative energy has been going towards that.

Trying to balance both is a really tricky line to walk, and I just can’t do it right now. I’m struggling enough with class as it is, so content creation has fallen to the wayside, and I feel really shitty about that, especially since it’s something I enjoy.

I also felt like I always had to be “on”/accessible for this blog. (This is a personal problem that stems from growing up in a very service based culture, and one I’m working on, but it required time away and better boundaries on my part.)

6. Increased sense of alienation from the fandom at large.

This is kind of linked to 5.

Being able to keep anon on is really important to me, I know I personally don’t always feel comfortable sending asks to people off anon (I’ve joked before that even with users I’m genuinely friends with, I send asks on anon bc I don’t want them to feel like I’m waiting on an answer).

I only answer about a quarter of the asks I receive (I won’t say a quarter of the asks people send me given tumblr’s tendency to eat asks). About a third of the asks are: asking me when a fic of mine will be updated/a wip will be posted, accusing me of something, flat out rude/hateful, or asking really invasive personal questions.

I’ve gotten a few asking me to elaborate on specific traumas that I don’t think I’ve even mentioned on this blog, which is both violating and extremely entitled: as if someone else gets to decide if my trauma is legitimate enough or something.

There are also the asks that I either don’t have the energy to give the love they deserve and avoid because I feel guilty about that, or just flat out I don’t want to answer.

But deciding not to answer the asks sent in good faith makes me feel incredibly guilty and ashamed. This, again, is a personal problem, and one I’m working on.

I also feel my hyperfixation on opm beginning to fade.

But generally, I just feel less connected to the fandom. It’s mostly because my lack of spoons means I’m not reaching out to people as much, but there are other factors too. It sounds dramatic, but I’m still a little shaken by the spat I had with another opm blog a couple of months ago.

And generally? I don’t think the fandom is as active anymore anyways. Some small, self-absorbed part of me still blames myself for some of that, because the timing of the fandom dying down and fracturing came right after the dispute I mentioned.

7. I really want this account to stay associated with happy things, and I’m not feeling too happy right now.

This blog was one I made because I enjoyed opm and wanted to have fun with it. I still love opm, and I love some of the friends I’ve made on here, but I just. I don’t feel the love for the fandom as a whole right now, and given all the negative emotions/things I just laid out, I’m worried about it somehow rubbing off on this blog, both for me, and for the people who follow me.

---

So yeah, that’s what’s going on on my end. I’m trying to stay positive and take care of myself, but I’m beyond overwhelmed, both for reasons related to, and entirely unrelated to this blog.

I want this blog to feel positive, and I worry this feels like I’m fishing for pity. That’s not it. I just need to get it off my chest, and kind of lay out where I am for you all, because I care about you.

Anyways, that’s all I got. I don’t know if I’ll delete this for now, but for the time it’s up, I’ll have it pinned to my blog.

Love you all, and be gentle with yourself.

#personal #anyways. now that I have that all out. time to pass out dshlkasdjh

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #296

“reality’s a plague; we’re the medication”

How are you doing in this time of COVID19? Do you personally know anyone who is not taking COVID19 seriously? Tired of it. Don’t see an end to it. I know a bunch of dumbasses who don’t take it seriously at all. What do you think of TikTok? Have you jumped on it yet? Why or why not? I don’t have an opinion on it. What hobby or interest of your significant other do you have ZERO interest in? What about something you actually think might be fun or something you actually picked up thanks to them? If you don’t have an SO, you can think of a relative or friend as an example instead. No s/o, sooo I’ll use best friend instead. Tbh I can’t say I have ZERO interest in anything she likes… If it makes her happy, I’m thankful for it. To answer the second half, she definitely got me into Wings of Fire. Have you ever felt affected by the death of a celebrity or public figure? If so, who? Do you remember when you found out and what was your reaction to it? Steve Irwin comes to mind very quickly. I remember exactly who told me and where I was. I was heartbroken. He was my childhood hero. Did you ever get called horrible names like whore, skank, bitch? I’ve been called a bitch. I remember one occasion as a kid where I was called fat for breaking a swing, even though I was a normal size. The swing was just old. It affected me though, for sure. Where did you sleep last night? My bed. Ever slow danced with anyone? Yes. Who is the last person to send you a message on Facebook? The woman I took pictures for a few weeks back. She’s a sweetheart. Have you ever been given roses? Yeah. Ever been called babe/baby? Yeah. Who was the last person to smoke something other than a cigarette or weed in front of you? No one’s ever smoked anything else in my presence. Does anything on your body hurt? My knees. They pretty much always do. Who is your favorite family member on your mom’s side? My uncle Rob. Who was the last person you were under a blanket with? Sara. Which of your friends is the most likely to get pregnant right now? I feel like all of them that are “likely” literally are pregnant right now lmao. My Facebook is like a new pregnancy announcement once a week, it seems like. Have you ever been called prince/princess? Ew, no. Have you kissed anyone when you’re single? No. Have you ever kissed someone who was in a relationship? Nooo, I have no interest in being “that person.” What would you call your body type? Let’s not think about this. Has anyone ever hacked your accounts before? Yeah. Could you ever be friends with someone that broke your heart? I don’t think I could. Have you ever seriously hurt anyone by mistake? I don’t believe so. Have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting or any kind of abuse at home? My parents fought all the time. Separated when I was… 17, I wanna say? Have you ever had any volunteer jobs? Ha. Attempts, anyway. Both were animal-related, and I was so excited to become a regular helper, but my weak-ass body couldn’t handle either. Has a boy/girl ever cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend for you? I never actually thought of it this way, but yes. Flirting like that was absolutely cheating. Describe how you feel about your life in the past month using one word: Stuck. Are you feeling guilty about anything right now? I always have guilt nowadays. When was the last time you saw someone attractive? In person? Hm. I think a about a month back when I took family pictures for someone. The kids’ dad was pretty cute. Are you okay with the life you live? Nope. What other piercings would you get other than the ones you already have? Fuuuuck dude, I want a lot. Many more in my ears, dermals in my collarbones (the #1, ahhh, but I want to lose weight first so you can see the contrast), it’d be nice to have a nose ring that fucking stayed in, I would LOVE an undereye microdermal if I ever change to contacts again, sometimes I think about an eyebrow piercing if I kept my eyebrows thinner… man, there’s a lot. I just love body mod. Did your last kiss take place on a bed? No. Are you good at wrapping gifts for others? HEEEEEEEEEEEELL NO. Is your present hair color natural? Sadly yes. Do you follow a certain religion? No. Do you listen to any country music? Noooo. It’s so weird remembering that I loved it as a kid. Have you ever lived on a farm? No. Do both of your parents have jobs? Dad does, but Mom is currently on disability due to recovering from cancer. What is something you’ve always wanted a boy to do for you? Ummm. I dunno. What do you wish you had more knowledge about? Politics. Is there anyone you’re not over and feel like you never will be? I doubt I’ll ever be fully over him. But I feel it’s understandable. When’s the last time you were really late to something? Hm. Dunno. Do you sing a lot? I sing veeery rarely. Do you think you have an addictive personality? I have a very addictive personality, yes. What was the first television show you were obsessed with? Pokemon, easily. What are you planning on eating for dinner tonight if you haven’t already? I don’t know. When was the last time someone took your picture? *shrugs* Do you eat chili when you get a hotdog, or do you like it plain? I eat them with ketchup and mustard, not chili. Would you say it’s easy for people to make you smile or laugh? I’m unsure… but I lean towards no. Do you and your friends normally say you love one another? Hell yeah. I’m so for platonic “I love you”s. What was the worst news you’ve heard this entire week? I'm not sure about "worst," honestly. I've mostly just heard mild inconvenience type things. Have you ever been in a car wreck? Yes. Has anyone ever told you that they think you have ADHD? Actually, yes, by maybe my second psychiatrist. She was fucking looney; I could see ADD, but ADHD was ludicrous. Have you ever disowned anyone in your family? For what reasons? I cut off connections with my dad for years after the divorce. Is there anyone out there who has hurt you so much, you wish they’d die? Yeesh, no. How many times have you been drunk in your life? None. Are you a happy person? Not really. Have you cried yourself to sleep? Oh yeah. Have you been in trouble with the law/jail time? No. At what age did you become sexually active? Maybe like, 16 1/2? Have you been in a loving relationship? Yes. Have you been in an abusive/bad relationship? No. Who would you die for? Quite a large handful of people, really. Have you ever been in a gang? Nooooo thanks. Who do you dream about most? Annoyingly, Jason. When are you happiest? When I'm hyperfixated on a new interest. Do you answer the phone by saying anything besides "hello?" Not unless it's family, really. Then I'll just be like "hey" or "what's up?", something along those lines. Do you get mad easily? No. What is your favorite song right now? I'm pretty hooked on "ULTRAnumb" by Blue Stahli. Do you wear glasses or contacts? If you wear both, which do you prefer, and why? I wear glasses. I've worn contacts before, they're just too tedious for me. Would you rather be buried or cremated? Cremated, please. Ever done karaoke? Did you like it? No. Goriest movie you've ever seen? Probably some SAW film. Is anything in your room purposely hidden? No. Have you ever been pranked via hidden camera? No. Do you like oatmeal raisin cookies? No, anything with raisins is disgusting. What age do you think is too old to still live with your parents? "It depends on the situation." <<<< This. Have you ever loved a boy who was dating some other girl? I certainly still loved Jason when he was with his girlfriend after me. Is your hair all the same color? Yeah, pretty much. When it was longer, I had natural highlights, but now that it's so short, ig it's hard for them to exist. Denim, leather or varsity jacket? I have desperately wanted a leather jacket since middle school. They're just expensive, at least the ones I like. Do you clean things that are already clean when you're bored? Ha, no. I'm not gonna clean without reason. Have either of your parents ever been to jail? No. What TV shows do you keep up with? None. Would you rather have a wiener dog or an Italian greyhound? Absolutely a greyhound, if I wanted a dog and had room for one of those. Do your parents buy you most anything you want? Most definitely not. I'm not even comfortable asking for things at my age. Have you ever tried to jump a fence? I have jumped fences, as a kid. Do you like the movie Zootopia? I do. Do you ever go on Pinterest? Rarely. What's the last kind of chocolate you ate? A sea salt dark chocolate w/ caramel filling Ghiradelli square from Christmas. Can you speak any unusual languages? No. Did you do gymnastics in elementary school? No. Have you ever performed in front of a large audience? Yeah; I was in dance classes for a long time, so we had recitals and went to competitions. I never did a solo, though. I was going to my senior year (senior solos are typical), but I got too nervous to continue with it. It was to "Coma White" by Marilyn Manson. Do you like BBQ sauce? Ugh, I hate it. Last time you wore the opposite sex's clothing? Right now. I always wear men's pj pants. Are you currently fighting with someone? No. Have you ever kept anything wild as a pet? When I was little, I know my sisters and I kept a box turtle that wandered into our yard for a while. We eventually let it go. Then when I would go fishing with Dad, one of my absolute favorite things to do was try to catch the minnows and tadpoles in my hands, and so I had a fishbowl of those. Don't keep wild animals, please. Do you set good examples for little kids? Probably not. Does your house have a pool? No, but I REALLY want one. It would be so helpful in strengthening my legs without sweating my ass off and feeling like I'm going to collapse. When you were younger, were you ever in a relationship with someone you now realize was way too old for you? No. Have you ever had a seizure? No, but I've actually had very short (I mean like, a second), sudden spasms when lying down that feel like what I assume a seizure to feel like. I think it's a side effect of my nightmare medication. What's the longest hotel stay you've ever had? Not long at all. Just a few days. Do any of your friends or family members have strange occupations? Maybe? What small thing makes you automatically distrust someone? Making dark/dangerous jokes. Of all the states/provinces in your country, which one is your favorite? I haven't been to nearly enough to know. Have you ever had to wear a school uniform? In middle school. Would you rather sleep on the top bunk or bottom bunk? My fat ass ain't getting in the top bunk. Are you close with your cousins? None, really. Are you close to any aunts or uncles? Also not really, but one of my mom's brothers is closest to that. Are you close to your grandparents? They're all dead, but I wasn't very close to any. I never really see my extended family. What was your favorite thing to do at sleepovers when you were younger? Go swimming, if they had a pool. If they didn't or it just wasn't up, I liked playing two-player video games. Do you know what you want to do for your next birthday? Probably go to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner and dessert with family and just chill at home for most of the day. What is the last new thing you discovered that was really good? Peanut butter fudge, like holy shit. Did you ever skip a grade or get held back a grade? No. What is the best hairstyle you've ever had? What I have now. Do you think you look better with dyed hair or natural hair? DYED. Do you think your look better with curly hair or straight hair? Straight. Have you ever won a contest? Yes. How many drawers does your dresser have? Five. Do you do your own taxes, or do you hire a professional? N/A What song hit you so hard that you remember where you were the first time you heard it? Oh man, what a question. Music can affect me very deeply, so honestly there's probably a number that fit this criteria if I thought for long enough, but I'm not gonna spend ten minutes trying to pick the best one. "Eternally Yours" by Motionless In White will do, I guess because that was probably the most recent. I don't let myself listen to it, even though I love it. It'll only drag me into a trauma pit. What's your "brand" of fictional character, the type you always get attached to (ex., "perky girls with deep-seated mental health issues," "guys who you would want as an older brother," etc.)? Totally the sarcastic and usually well-composed villain. If you use Spotify, share your 2020 Wrapped! What are your overall feelings about it? Is it what you expected? I don't use it. If you’re a ~gamer~, what are your top 3 all-time favorite games? Silent Hill 2, Shadow of the Colossus, and Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs. What’s the biggest red flag you’ve ever ignored? I dunno; I'm pretty good at listening to those. What’s something extremely bizarre you believed as a very young child? It's fucking embarrassing that I went through this many-years-long "I have animal powers given to me by a wolf I made up!!!" thing, holy god. Like, I thought I could "activate" traits of certain animals. Kids are fuckin wild, but I was exceptionally so. What is the biggest conflict in your life right now? With myself. Through a lot of digging with my therapist, she got me to realize that I don't feel that I'm rightfully lovable because I'm not "successful" and "going nowhere." It hit like a ton of fucking bricks when I understood the "why" of feeling like that. Like don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm a bad person that is worthy of being hated, but totally deserving of pure love, no. So my therapist has me tell myself "I am lovable" in the mirror every morning, and I don't believe it. I'm trying to, but every time I'm just like "lol but are you really?" If you could change your current life schedule to incorporate more or less time for certain things, how would you do so? Do you feel like you have a well-structured and well-balanced schedule at the moment? My schedule is embarrassing, truly. I wake up, get on the computer, go to bed, and that's just about it, taking care of bodily needs being sprinkled in there throughout. I want to change it so, so badly, but I'm just... so set in my ways. I want to incorporate at least 30 minutes of daily reading, and I've yet to start my Wii Fit exercising because I'm waiting for Mom to move into her room (she stays and sleeps in the living room rn) because I do NOT like exercising in front of ANYBODY. I don't care if she gave birth to me. I also want to spend less time just hopping between websites on the laptop just because I can't find anything to do. It'd be nice to draw more, too... but for that, I really need to like the idea of what I'm drawing to stay even slightly motivated. There's probably more to this, but yeah, that's enough. What filler words do you find yourself using most often ("um," "you know," etc.)? "Um" or "uh," probably. I fumble over my words so much as well as just total derail on what I'm talking about that filler words are very, very common for me. When was the last time you felt let down? What were your expectations about the given situation that weren't met? Ugh, so apparently when my laptop was fixed, a lot of things were reset, and that included Lightroom, my primary photography editing software. I lost all my presets and I initially thought pictures too, but thank Christ I had a backup dialogue. I'm still pretty annoyed, because I can't find my favorite free LR download site. I didn't at all expect my laptop to be affected as heavily as it was, just getting a new DC port... If you enjoy taking and editing photos, how would you describe your editing style? This greatly depends on the subject matter and composition, but I feel a common theme is I enjoy vibrance. I war with myself a lot if I make them too saturated, but idk. Have you ever been inspired by a celebrity to change something about your appearance (your clothing style, hairstyle, etc.)? Is much of your taste/style inspired by celebrities? If not, what else serves as an inspiration for you? Ha! Guys, I'm not going to bullshit you, when I got into GMM, I loved Link's big, "nerdy" glasses so much that I became very curious as to how they'd look on me. Years later, I still kept the style and think they've looked best on me of all my glasses. I love them. For the second question, no, not really. My personal aesthetics dictate my style selections. When was the last time you felt a friendship was petering out? If a friendship seems to be fizzling, do you go out of your way to try to "save it," or do you accept that it may have just reached its natural conclusion? Ugh. This has happened in so very many of my friendships that I don't even like thinking about it. If we're talking the most recent time, I suppose with Alex. She just started talking to me less and less before vanishing (to clarify, she's an online friend). Considering just how poorly I handle loss, I'm the type to always try to save friendships I still cherish. Who is your favorite contemporary writer, author, poet, thinker? I don't know. What are your thoughts on body positivity vs. body neutrality? I believe in seeing your body and loving it for all it does, considering it's a masterpiece of biology, but, I also feel it is vital to consider its health. In other words, no, I do not think morbidly obese or emaciated individuals should think their body is... I can't think of the right word, really. "Ideal," I suppose? And keep in mind: this is coming from an obese person. I don't want someone to tell me "your body is perfectly fine!" or "you should just accept you the way you are!" when I spend almost every minute of every day thinking to some degree about how much I hate my fucking weight. No, I don't want to be convinced I should settle and neglect the wellbeing of the one body I have, but I in no way support bashing or being rude to people who are unhealthy, either. I feel like my stance on this is kinda hard to explain. Just respect your body as well as others' and their efforts to treat it the best they can. Do you enjoy keeping secrets from people, like having something about yourself that no one else knows? I mean, I don't enjoy it... I'd prefer to have none. If you play video games, what do you usually like to play? If you don't play video games, do you like watching others play? If so, what? I really like horror games, more than any. Fantasy ones with dragons and gods and the like are awesome, too. I don't enjoy a lot of games that are pretty much just movies with player decisions that barely affect the ending (I do like watching these, though), nor do sportsy or action things normally do it for me. It's by serious luck that I'm an avid World of Warcraft player, because I don't tend to like very grindy games, but I suppose WoW is an exception with the absolutely endless options of what you can do. Onto the second part of the question: totally. I wouldn't watch let's plays if I didn't, and I grew up loving to watch my dad and brother play. I'll watch an even wider variety of games than I play, but it more so depends on who the person is versus what they're playing, because whom I watch is controlled by whether or not/how much I enjoy the individual themselves. What are three things you like about nature? Just three? Damn... Well, the easiest I suppose can be summed up in a quote: "As above, so below." All is tied together. I could go on a romantic monologue about the beauty of our connection to the infinite stars we look upon and the ground we stand on, but I'll spare ya that poem. I love, love, love the sounds of nature: birds chirping, zephyrs through the trees, the crunching of fall leaves. All of it. Then, there's the power of nature! I live for those pictures of nature just taking the Earth back: desolate homes eaten by vines, all that. To call nature merely "spectacular" is truly an act of disrespect, pretty much. What do teenagers have right now that you wish you had when you were their age? Hm. I guess better phones.

#survey #surveys #questionnaire #questions #lyrics: ''ultranumb'' by blue stahli

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rubberduckyrye · 5 years

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Sorry that it took me a while to get to these; I’ve been very low energy and am still low energy so apologies for that!

As for Marie, her real name is Olivia (her stage name is Marie Annette) and yes, it’s a pun, because she is the Ultimate Marionettist. You can ask more about her @aroseandapen since she is L’s muse.

However, Marie’s plot wasn’t created so she could run away from the consequences of her actions--in actuality, they’re much more sinister. You see, the basic idea we have right now is that a certain someone knew about the chapter 3 blackened before they murdered the second victim, but was being blackmailed into silence--because they had a secret they would rather die for than let get loose. However, this lead to Marie’s friend/lover/family/whatever idk we haven’t decided that part yet, get killed as the second victim. After learning about that person’s involvement, Marie gets furious and blames them, but everyone pretty much forgives them once they understand. All but Jaden, who while he does understand their motives, also understands that Marie is still hurt by them and it did cause the death of someone else, and at least had mixed feelings about it and made the mistake of expressing this to Marie.

That was a huge mistake, because Marie then decided that everyone but Jaden should live, and then she was presented with the opportunity to force Jaden into a blackened role. She then makes sure he couldn’t communicate the fact that he was he blackened (as he tried to leave evidence in the form of his glasses at the crime scene, but Marie figured him out quickly and ordered him not to be sneaky about it and not let anyone know) and yeah. Marie basically made Jaden into a blackened not to escape from punishment, but to punish everyone (including herself) and let Jaden go free.

This, of course, backfires, but that’s probably why Marie had Jaden kill that specific classmate. Because at least that person would be dead if her plan failed.

The worst part is that Marie is a pretty good person before this, too, which makes the betrayal so much more impactful.

I can give you a little backstory on Adrian, Jaden, and Irene if you like! I have those written out, so;

Adrian Blanc, the Ultimate Dilettante;

Adrian’s life was pretty mundane and average. They grew up in the middle class, had a normal life with their normal family and normal friends. There was nothing extra ordinary about them, nothing to report. The only thing that caught anyone’s attention, in fact, was how intelligent and sharp Adrian was.

Adrian has the Ultimate Analysis ability, and with their ADHD, tend to hyperfixate on different subjects of all kinds (I.E. Art, music, writing, math, science, mechanics, you name it) but before they could master any skill, Adrian would always give up, claiming that they had grown too bored of the trade to continue. Adrian became known in their little town as “the renaissance child” or “the jack of all trades,” and would often take on small jobs and favors from neighbors to complete a mundane task. However, they were never talented enough to get a stable job from professionals of the craft, being told that their mediocre skills weren’t enough to qualify for anything.

One day, Adrian’s popularity in their hometown got out to the bigger name cities, and they were asked to star on a talk show and display their many mediocre talents.

Impressed by their wide array of skills, the American Ultimate Initiative contacted Adrian to ask them if they wanted to attend the American Hope’s Peak Academy as “The Ultimate Dilettante.” Hesitantly, Adrian agreed, though is uncomfortable with their title.

Adrian is insecure over their lack of mastering any single talent, and feels as if their “Ultimate Title” can feel like someone was mocking them for it. After all, in the modern professional world, a “Jack of all trades” was pretty useless.

Jaden Holland, the Ultimate Digital Artist;

The Holland family is a black, progressive family that consists of Jaden’s mother (Agatha), Jaden’s elder sister (Jayleen), Jaden’s elder brother (Glenn) and Jaden himself, and a small dog named Juniper. (You can ask L more about Jayleen and Glenn)

Jaden’s father left their family when Jaden was just born, so his mother and his elder sister were the ones who mostly raised Glenn and Jaden. With Agatha working in the police force and their overall family ideals being liberal, Jaden grew up more socially aware and expressive early on. However, when he was a young child, Jaden was attacked by a large mixed breed stray dog, which left grotesque scars on his neck and unable to use his vocal chords. Ever since, he has been wearing high-collared shirts and turtle necks to hide them, embarrassed and ashamed of the scars. He also found that whispering could be painful at times, so he and his family learned sign language.

Aside from that traumatic event, Jaden lived a relatively calm life, and he took interest in digital art soon after the attack. He begged his mother for a pen tablet, and kick started his talent in the digital arts. Jaden has posted over one-thousand pieces of art under the user “Silenced-Arts.” He became quite a popular artist over time, and soon, he was written about in newspapers and online articles as “the boy who can paint a photo,” which was a reference to Jaden’s typical art style being hyper-realistic paintings of surreal scenes that people often would often mistake as photos or edited photos. This caused a bit of controversy until Jaden learned how to use Hypercam and other screen-recording software, and posted various drawing videos that immediately made him an even more popular artist on youtube and all over the web.

Jaden expanded his skills to different forms of digital art, such as 3D modeling and 2D/3D animation. However, he is most comfortable and skilled with painting and drawing.

His skills and talent grew until finally, just before his second year of high school, Jaden was scouted by the American Hopes Peak Academy as the Ultimate Digital Artist for a student film that was all animated but was 100% painted and hyper realistic.

Jaden has a special pair of gloves made by “A friend of a friend” (hint: It Miu) that has special sensors that can translate his signing to American English, and has a speaker that projects a voice resting in his breast pocket. This idea is loosely based off of this amazing keyboard “glove” where each unique hand gesture represents a unique letter. It relies on the same principle, except using ASL gestures and a blue tooth “text to speech” speaker. The speaker sounds as fluid and human as K1-B0’s voice, and the gloves have sensors to change the “tone” of his voice and mimic the emotion he wants to convey. (Jaden has the bonus of being able to manually select an emotion with gestures that are unique but do not mean anything in ASL, such as double tapping your thumb and index finger together... well unless that is a thing in sign language, I’m not sure.)

Jaden’s older brother, Glenn, is a member of D.I.C.E. as a fire dancer.

Irene Foster, the Ultimate Street Fighter;

Irene was a runaway orphan, originally born into a wealthy family. Her parents were always busy with work, so Irene was typically left to her own devices or kept busy with random lessons that varied from piano lessons to fencing. However, her parents were assassinated due to her father’s business company making enemies in the wrong places. The assassin didn’t kill Irene, only because of the guilt that he pretty much just made this girl into an orphan. (He wasn’t very good at being an assassin.)

Irene then ran away from Britain to New York City by stowing away on an airplane, and ran away from foster homes that took her in until she started getting into fights. Eventually, underground criminal rings for street fighting took an interest in her, and this earned her access to an underground street fighting ring. She was a natural fighter (though often feeling like she was fighting for her very life) and quickly earned a living off of her matches.

Eventually, she came across a house just outside of the city that had caught on fire. Among the flames was a little girl named Erin Rider, holding a teddy bear in one hand and a lighter in the other. After a little prying, Irene learned that Erin was a victim of constant abuse from her parents, and she thought she could burn the house down and run away. Erin is unaware that she killed her parents in the house fire and assumes they thought she died and never looked for her. Irene never had the heart to tell Erin that she killed her own parents, and instead, decided to take care of the little girl as her own sister. She decided it would be a secret she took with her to her grave.

With another mouth to feed, however, Irene had to take on more challenges to earn money enough for both her and Erin to eat, and eventually, Irene became known in the underground ring as “The Girl of Iron.” This caught the attention of the American Ultimate Initiative, and Irene earned her title as the “Ultimate Street Fighter.”

Now just for you, I’ll go ahead and type out Leah’s back story to the best of my ability because why not:

Leah Welsh, the Ultimate Hunter/Huntress;

Leah was disowned by her parents at the age of 13, once she finally confessed to them that their son, Orlando, didn’t exist anymore and wanted to be a girl named Leah. The transphobic backlash from her parents came as a genuine, horrifying shock to Leah, and she immediately ran away to her grandfather Orrin’s house to explain what happened. Being a far more open minded man and far more liberal, he disowned his own child and took Leah in as his own, and decided to move from Ireland to the United States to further distance them from the horrible people that were Leah’s parents.

Orrin was a skilled hunter, and not being able to leave a young Leah by herself, he decided to take her with him. Leah took an interest in hunting, and Orrin started teaching her--and much to his surprise, Leah took the lessons extremely well, and within just a few years, was a master hunter that surpassed even his own skills. They even traveled to Australia and Africa for some legal hunting.

However, Orrin was old, and he eventually passed away from old age when Leah was sixteen. Saddened but not discouraged, Leah started hunting game to make a profit as a survival tactic.

Eventually, Leah was called by a secret service of the government and taken into custody to be given an offer. A huge sum of money for using her hunting skills for an assassination--a very corrupt man who dealt with human trafficking, terrorism, and other criminal activities that made him too dangerous. However, every previous assassination attempt lead to failure due to the men and woman being official government figures and there being a rat in the government. They needed someone who could pull off the assassination who was unsuspecting and didn’t have a face int he underground criminal ring. Leah hesitantly accepted the offer.

She was sent to Australia for her target, since he was on a vacation there with his family. It was a very simple job, in actuality, and she used a sniper rifle in the wilderness to kill her target when he was having a picnic break with his family after stalking him for several nights. Unfortunately, Leah may have mentally prepared for his death and telling herself he deserved it for being such a monster, but she didn’t mentally prepare herself for the family’s reaction to his assassination. Leah went home that very same night with the screams still ringing in her ears.

A few months later, Leah learned that the wife of the corrupted man had killed her two children and then herself. As much as Leah tried, she couldn’t get the incident out of her head, and she decided to hunt some deer to distract herself from it, only to shoot a deer and it’s cry immediately triggering her. Immediately after the incident with the deer, Leah realized all at once that she was ending lives, killing creatures with families and futures that she stole away, and in her grief and trauma, Leah became completely vegan and vouched to never hunt again, nor kill any living, breathing creature.

A month later, Leah received an invitation from the American Hope’s Peak to be “The Ultimate Hunter”. With no job or any way to make money, Leah had no choice but to accept, but the title was more like a huge slap in the face than an honor to have.

#The 49th Killing Game #Leah Welsh #Jaden Holland #Adrian Blanc #Irene Foster

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notafraidofstopping876 · 5 years

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An apology and explanation to my followers who are probably sick of all my Twilight posts (and my general nonsense

Frankly, I’m amazed anybody is around for this garbage pile that is my Tumblr...but yeah I know Twilight has kind of taken over my blog lately so this is partially an explanation and also partially some lamenting/reflecting on the shit show that is my life

I’ll level with y’all. Back in 2008, I was in middle school and started reading the Twilight books and was instantly a Twihard. I went to the midnight releases, watched the films over and over, had all the merch, and spent hours on the fan sites and thought about the Twilight universe non-stop.

A large part of it was my fascination with the vampire lore within the book, the powers, the mythology. I had never been much into fantasy, but these gripped me, and so did the characters. Most of all...I was entranced by the love story.

(As an adult, I can definitely acknowledge that there are serious problems with the Edward/Bella relationship and series as a whole, but we’ll get back to that).

I don’t remember a time when I didn’t desperately want to experience a frenzied first love with a kind boy. I also don’t remember a time when I ever believed that would actually happen. I didn’t know this in 2008 but I was quickly developing what would lead to depression, anxiety, avoidant personality disorder, and a non-specified eating disorder. I truly loathed myself from a very early age and was very convinced that no one would ever love me in that way...not that I really knew anything about love at that age.

But I couldn’t help but notice, even in eighth grade, that I was all but invisible to the opposite sex. Over and over adults told me “Oh, boys are just immature, their hormones will kick in eventually too...” So I waited, all the while trying to be available and friendly, to put myself out there for the potential of dating. This continued through high school...and by the time graduation came I’d yet to have a slow dance with a guy and had only one kiss and date to speak of. (The kiss was on that date and was barely a peck on the cheek, which was then ruined when he tried to feel me up without my consent).

Meanwhile...anytime I opened one of the Twilight books, I was transported into a world where it was possible for a human girl who felt ordinary and out of place to catch the attention of a beautiful, chivalrous, glittering vampire who loved her with an unfathomable passion. Say what you will about Stephenie Meyer’s writing, but her words made me feel like I was the one being kissed, touched, worshiped, everything that I wasn’t in real life.

I wasn’t stupid, I knew not to expect a real-life Edward Cullen. If my track record was any indication, it was unlikely I’d have a sweeping romance, But I figured it couldn’t hurt to pretend a little and live in the fantasy world for a little bit until maybe, just maybe, I could at least find someone to hold my hand or buy me dinner or something.

So I went off to college and had become a closeted Twihard since the films had all now come out and the world as a whole was very “Anti-Twilight” and I was anxious and self-conscious enough to not want to be made fun of by my book-snob friends who made fun of it. I was optimistic about college, especially in the dating department. The new pool of people, surely my chances would be better here?

WRONG.

Okay, I did have a few happenings...mostly nonconsensual so I don’t count them. I had my first real kiss spontaneously with a stranger that I never saw again (and it was even better than I imagined), some boob action at a party with another guy I never saw again, and one date that had led nowhere. (To complicate things, I also figured out I was asexual my first year of college. While it did clear up a lot of things about myself, it also complicated my feelings about my non-existent love life).

I know what you guys are probably thinking...I know being in a relationship will in no way fulfill/fix me. I am a very messed up person and will be having to work through all my crap until I’m dead probably...but that doesn’t change my deep longing to find love, even if it’s just once.

Anyway, I’m out of college now. All of my crushes have turned and run to the hills, online dating has been a bust (only creeps ever message me). I have a great life, I really do, but the longing for love is still potent.

Randomly my roommate wanted to watch some throwback movies from our teen years and Twilight came up...we rewatched the first movie and it all came crashing back. Of course, now I had Tumblr and discovered the Twilight Renaissance was a thing and had an outlet for my inner Twihard to come out and play. I started rereading all of the books, and all of the Bella/Edward romance is hitting me just as hard as it does the first time. I can’t stop rereading all the passages of Edward being the gentlemen and romantic he is and falling in love with him again...it’s this INSANE dopamine rush just like when I was thirteen.

And that’s when it hit me...romantically, I have about the same level of maturity and experience as I did when I was thirteen. I’d long ago accepted that Edward Cullen was a fantasy...but I thought that by this point in my life, maybe I’d have had one relationship for the books.

So...that’s about where I’m at. I loathe myself, loathe how repulsive and/or invisible I am to men, and am using a hyperfixation on a fictional vampire as a coping mechanism. It’s probably not healthy but at least for a little bit, I can pretend that somebody is in love with me, even if they’re not real...because at this point I don’t think I’ll find anything or anyone else.

#shut up deb #i hate myself #edward cullen #twilight #the twilight saga #twilight renaissance #the twilight revival #twilight revival #the twilight renaissance #stephenie meyer #forever alone #single af

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randomslasher · 6 years

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What’s it like being an adulto? *stars at with child wonder* ~🍁

Honestly? It kinda rocks.

Like okay, parts of it are stressful--I have to pay bills and go to work and stuff, and that’s sort of meh.

But the amount of freedom that comes with it is kind of spectacular. And I don’t just mean like...picking my own bedtime or eating whatever I want. I mean there is a kind of personal freedom, or maybe the more apt word is personality freedom, that comes with being an adult that is just spectacular.

Like...I remember being a teenager. I actually had it pretty good, all things considered: I was in marching band so I had a built-in group of friends; I was reasonably smart and got mostly straight A’s so I didn’t have to worry about drawing the antipathy of my teachers; my parents were fairly chill and gave us a lot of personal freedom (sort of a “I expect you to act responsibly and as long as you do, I won’t impose a lot of restrictions on you” kind of attitude). I wasn’t unpopular or picked on. I wasn’t SUPER popular but I was sort of...tolerated by all groups, and fondly tolerated by many of them. So like...it wasn’t bad.

But teenagers live in this incredibly rigid class system that I honestly never noticed until I got to college and it disappeared.

I’ve probably told this story before, but I’m gonna do it again. I have a very vivid memory of standing in line at the used textbook store, about a week before my first semester, freshman year of college. There were about 10 people in line, and it was one of those switchback lines like at the movies. As I was standing in line people-watching, I observed a short, rather squat girl near the front, who was the sort of girl I remember getting ostracized in high school: kinda greasy frizzy hair, acne, just not conventionally attractive, right?

Standing behind her was the absolute opposite: a tall, built, gorgeous guy (even my ace ass could tell). Just really stunning features, nice hair, and phenomenal forearms (forearms are THE BEST okay).

And as I’m observing them, the girl turns around and asks the guy what classes he’s taking.

Now, my brain was still in High School Teenager Mode, and what I was witnessing was CLEARLY a transgression of the social hierarchy. I tensed up, immediately terrified that he was going to be awful to her, because up until that point, that’s what I’d’ve expected if someone like her tried to talk to someone like him.

Instead, he smiled back and they engaged in an animated conversation while we all stood their waiting for the line to inch forward. And it was then I realized: yes, there are exceptions, and yes, it’s not always the case, but by and large? A lot of the shallow social structures of early and middle adolescence completely vanish when you hit adulthood. Put simply? People stop giving so many fucks about things that aren’t their business and it’s amazing.

I was embarrassed of every hyperfixation I ever had in high school. Now? My grown-ass adult self has pictures of the sides taped up at my desk at work and I’ll happily sit there drawing fanart between calls when we’re slow. I have friends who are 20 years older than me and friends that are 15 years younger. I freely admit to not watching Game of Thrones, but I also feel no need to pretend that makes me superior (and no one else feels the need to ostracize me for choosing not to watch).

I tell people about fics I’m writing. I talk to my boss about my tumblr follower count. I get whatever haircut I like and I get the tattoos I want without thinking twice or worrying about asking permission. I feel no shame geeking out about things because other than being happy for me? No one cares. And when they come in geeking out about football season starting or a new game expansion getting ready to drop or the next episode of whatever Bachelor series is on now, I’m happy for them.

Adulthood means finally realizing that life is too damned short to hide the things you love from other people because you feel like you should be ashamed of loving them. It means realizing that nobody stays good looking forever--we all grow up, gain a bit of weight, get crow’s feet or moles or laugh lines. It means that separating ourselves out based on completely arbitrary and utterly unimportant standards no longer makes any kind of sense, so we just stopped doing it.

And hell yeah, it means I get to go to bed whenever I want and eat cookie dough or cake batter whenever I please. But that’s really only the tip of the iceberg.

I’m honestly always baffled by people who say that high school is the best years of your life. High school sucked. Maybe it wasn’t always awful but compared to now? It sucked. And my twenties were no real picnic either--they were a bit on the tumultuous side, as I was finally completely on my own and basically clueless about what that meant.

But now that I’m in my thirties? I have more freedom, more control, and more fun than I’ve ever had.

Don’t let anyone try to scare you about growing up. It fucking rocks, okay?

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