#i had health insurance through my job that i used last year but then my mom got a new husband and his insurance is really good

[yeahyouresocool]

they should invent a parent that you can trust and rely on

[russellsppttemplates]

Are you staying? (Logan Sargeant)

Before the Miami GP, you fly over to spend some days with your boyfriend's family, and it turns out that you can charm more than one Sargeant

Note: english is not my first language. This is the first thing I've ever written for Logan and I'm excited and nervous to see how it goes! Nothing against other careers, but I'm a sucker for the stereotypical smart job and paired up with the friends to lovers trope, I made this! I hope it's good for my first piece for him! Also, I'm aware that Leo hasn't been in the paddock for what I can assume obvious safety reasons, but I thought of this and didn't want to leave it behind 🫣

Thank you so much to everyone who likes and reblogs, your feedback is appreciated 🤍 and I'm taking requests so if you have any ideas or concepts you want to share, feel free to do so as I'll try to get to them the best I can!

my masterlist

Cw: mentions a previous injury

Tag list: @myloverjk-blog @hiireadstuff @c-losur3

"Is this your list, babe?", Logan said as he opened the document on his iPad after you sent it to him, reading a checklist of all the things you needed to pack last minute after he said he wanted to help you.

"Yes - actually, can you help me with it, please?", you asked as you packed your usual medication, "I already have my meds in the little bag and my chargers too - you can check those off".

"Okay, done", he offered as he crossed them with the pen, "next, we have documents - passport, I'm the one with the tickets and they're in my phone as well, and Travel insurance? Since when do you do Travel insurance?", Logan wondered as you packed the documents into your bag.

"Since I'm going to motherland of paid healthcare - I don't usually get sick, but you never know! Just to my luck I could feel some pain and before I know it, I'll be knee deep into debt that no amount of working could help with! I'm just about keeping university fees covered, I can't have anymore on me", you offered as you looked at the camera. Even though the timezone was different, Logan still FaceTimed you, tucked in his bed while he saw the sunshine through the window behind you

"If it comes to that, which I hope it won't because I like you all in one piece, I would cover i-", Logan added as you shook your head.

"Let's all hope that I go and come back with pristine health and that this was just me being my forewarned self", you smiled and crossed your fingers, "what's next?", you wondered as you walked around your bedroom, looking for anything that could stand out.

You met Logan, out of all places, in the pool you had been swimming in your whole life. You never wanted to compete - for you, swimming was a way to forget about the day for a couple of hours and to ensure you were active. A couple of years ago, this boy walked inside, leaving his flip-flops on the side next to yours and he seemed to be doing some conditioning work.

Later, you found out he had picked up a muscle injury and he was there with his physiotherapist at the same time you went everyday, and by the time his treatment was over, you became good friends and it bloomed from there.

A party before his first season in Formula One was the last straw when he wasn't the only guy there who noticed how beautiful you looked. It seemed that all of the single drivers had their eyes on you, both from the novelty of your presence in the function and from the confidence you exuded. His protective side came forward, and as he was driving you back home, he didn't let you leave his place until he confessed his feelings. As it turned out, you felt the same.

"And last, but not least, lip balm", your boyfriend said in a overly exaggerated accent.

"And for that, you don't get to use this anymore!", you put the small tube on the small bag, zipping it and finding a place for it before you stuck your tongue out at him.

"That's alright - I'll just kiss you after you put it on", he smirked.

"Like that is any different from what you do now", you grumbled, closing your backpack and patting it, "I'm all ready!", you smiled.

Even though the original plan was for Logan to fly to England and then fly with you to his home country, your university practical assignments had been changed to that week and there was no way you could swap, let alone miss them. You didn't want your boyfriend to spend less time with his family because of you, so you ended up deciding that you would fly over on your own and meet him there as soon as you could.

"I miss you, I can't wait to kiss your beautiful face", he smiled.

"I miss you too, but soon enough handsome!", you said as you looked at your watch, "the train leaves later today, but I heard there was a lot of traffic so I think I'm going now", you muttered, not wanting to end the call yet but having to do it for practical reasons. Besides, Logan needed to sleep and you were sure if you didn't end the call, he would pull an all nighter.

"Don't be late, gorgeous girl - I'll dream about meeting you when you get here", Logan charmed.

"See you later, Logie! Have a good sleep!", you beamed, "don't forget to put your phone on silent because I'll text you the flight updates! I love you!".

"I will! I love you too - have a safe flight!", he smiled before his face disappeared on your screen.

Making sure everything that needed to be off was turned off and on its right place, you closed and locked the door behind you before starting your journey.

Once you had done the security checks at the airport and found your gate, the nerves on your tummy settled in. It wasn't the first time you had to fly on your own and you knew well enough where they stemmed from. You had briefly met Logan's parents a couple of times before since they travelled for some of the races, but spending time with them in their family home carried a different weight to it.

Luckily, there weren't many setbacks and the flight actually landed a couple of minutes before schedule, making you text Logan that you had already landed so he could sort the situation out.

Spotting him wasn't too hard once you saw your name on a lavender coloured cardboard and your boyfriend holding it.

"I missed you loads", he whispered on your ear, kissing under it and hugging you tight.

"I missed you too", you answered back, letting him squeeze you one last time before grabbing the cardboard, "You did this for me?", you beamed.

"Yes, one of my cousins was over yesterday and she gave me the idea to put the glitter on there", he nodded to the glittery letters.

"Yes, I definitely noticed that wasn't you", you giggled, pushing your suitcase along and to the parking lot.

"Mom wanted to come and get you, but she put in her head that the house had to be spotless, so she stayed back, and I think my dad went out to get an order my mum made for a bread she remembered you liked and she wanted you to have it", he stated, unlocking the car and popping the trunk open.

"They're going what? I don't need any special treatment, Logan, - I don't want them to think I want princess treatment!", you argued, holding onto your things, "my Goodness, your parents think I'm a snob", you groaned.

"No, they don't! They just wanted to make sure you feel comfortable and at home!", Logan offered, trying to get your backpack.

"I could sleep on the floor and be happy about it!", you grumbled before you let him get the bag.

"If you really want that, that's fine, but my bed is quite good to be fair", he smirked before you swatted his chest, helping him with the suitcase next.

"Stop making jokes, I don't want your family to think-", Logan interrupted by placing his lips on yours.

"Stop talking nonsense, my parents are excited to have you here", he spoke.

It wasn't a lie. All of his family was excited and curious to finally meet the girl that captured Logan's heart. He knew they could be a handful, and he had certainly warned you considered you came from a small family giving that your parents were only children - it wasn't so much that he thought you wouldn't feel okay, but it would definitely be a little more crowded that you were used to.

On the other side, his family's opinion mattered to him and he was nervous of what they could say. Not because of you and the person you were - he was sure you were going to be just fine, but it wouldn't be the first time that his family's opinion swayed someone the other way. His parents had met your briefly before and now you were being introduced to everyone else. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and everyone else that wanted to tag along and nitpick at you. Everyone's eyes would be on you, and so would their opinions.

"I'm choosing to believe you", you smiled, getting inside the car and watching Logan do the same.

"Did you have a good flight?", he asked as he reversed out of the space, "a lady behind me was saying that her daughter had a turbulent flight".

"It was fine, but I don't really know - I slept on the last couple of hours. Didn't think I had it in me", you tsked, "but the seat was quite comfy and there wasn't anyone in the middle seat, so me and the guy that was on the row sort of took over it and had a silent agreement to share it".

The drive to his parents' house was quick, Logan pointing to all of the spots that carried memories and special moments.

"That's my mom and my dad is also arriving behind us", he looked at his rear view mirror to check if his father had space to park.

"Hello! Welcome welcome, Y/N!", Daniel smiled and greeted you with a hug as soon as you stepped out of the car.

"Hi! Thank you for taking me in for these couple of days", you giggled.

"Nonsense! We're glad you could join us after all - did you do well in your examinations?".

"Dad!", Logan warned slightly, not wanting you to feel ambushed about it.

"They went well, yes! There's only one mark left and it should come out one of these days", you smiled, walking up to greet Logan's mother at the door.

"Hey sweetie! How have you been?", Madelyn asked, pulling you in for a tight hug.

"Hello! I've been good, and you? I hope it wasn't too much trouble having me here", you told her.

"Oh, no, don't worry! You're Logan's girlfriend, you could never be too much trouble", she offered, letting you in, "How was your flight?".

"It was good", you added, "there wasn't too much trouble with customs either, but it was quite tiring for me, I've never done such a long flight", you chuckled.

"When we got back to Silverstone, I had to take three days to recover from it! And I felt so dirty that I had to shower once we got home", she giggled.

"I might actually do that, if you don't mind - my whole body just feels icky", you admitted, knowing you had just arrived and while it maybe wasn't the way to go, it was something you wanted to do.

"Of course, of course! Logan will help you - I left the towels on your bed", she patted her son's back before he headed up the stairs as you trailed behind after excusing yourself.

You headed straight for the shower after getting your toiletry bag from the suitcase, kissing Logan's lips quickly before. When you exited the ensuite bathroom, Logan was doing his hair in the mirror.

"Don't you look handsome?", you whispered, kissing his cheek, "I must say, I'm a big fan of this longer hair", you mused.

"Thank you, love", he smiled, "are you feeling good enough to go out or do you want to stay at home?", he asked.

"I'm good - that shower really helped", you offered, "let me just get ready and then we can go - are your parents joining us?", you wondered.

"I'll have to ask, but I'm assuming they are - they made reservations for us for lunch too", he let you know.

"Okay, I'll just change quickly and sort my hair out", you kissed his cheek before looking for an outfit on your suitcase.

As soon as you were ready, you headed back downstairs so you could leave the house, Logan's mother insisting that you rode in the passenger seat next to your boyfriend, "it's not everyday we get to be driven around town", she snickered.

They pointed out at different houses of family members you would soon meet along with some friends and spots like their workplaces and favourite shops.

After lunch, Logan drove to his uncle's house, telling you about the little girl who inspired the welcoming cardboard he picked you up from the airport with, "she loves animals too, so be prepared to be ambushed with questions and a show of her stuffed toys", your boyfriend chuckled.

"It's true, Y/N! She has built her own collection and it's quite impressive!", Madelyn added.

The house was similar to Logan's parents', your boyfriend parking the car safely before you got out.

"Welcome Y/N!", an older woman said, "we've been waiting to meet you!", she smiled.

"That's my aunt, my uncle and that's my great aunt - she's my grandmother's sister", Logan said before you greeted them warmly, hearing quick footsteps on the corridor, "and that should be Millie".

A little girl no older than three years old ran up to Logan, hugging his legs and hiding behind them, "why don't you say hello to Y/N, honey?", her mother encouraged her.

Slowly, she peeled herself from the driver's legs, taking a look at you.

You crouched down so you would be in the same level, "hi Millie", you tried.

"How do you know my name?", she asked.

"Logan told me all about you - I loved the glitter you used for my name of the sign he took to get me from the plane", you smiled.

"I have more, do you want to see them, Y/N?", she beamed, stretching out her arm for you to take her hand.

"Go go, Y/N! I'll get some snacks out for us and then you can come down if you want something - we want to have a chat to get to know the girl our nephew's speaks so fondly of!", Logan's uncle winked before Millie pulled you.

Her room was decorated in a jungle theme, animal decals decorating the walls, "do you want to draw with me? Momma got me these with glue so it doesn't get messy", she explained before pulling a chair for herself, "Oh, I don't have one for you, I'm sorry".

"That's alright, love - I'll just sit on the floor", you smiled, kneeling down and getting comfortable.

Millie was an only child and from what Logan told you, there weren't many girls in the family, so she was taking full advantage of having some girly time with you.

"Millie! Poor Y/N has been here for nearly two hours!", Madelyn called for you from the door.

"It hasn't been that long, has it?", you wondered, feeling guilty to have spent that long away from them, "I didn't even notice!".

"Don't worry, honey! It's all good, we were just wondering if you two wanted to eat something", she procured.

"We'll go in a bit, auntie Madelyn! Y/N's nails are not dry yet!", Millie stated, "and I need to ask her a couple more questions about giraffes - did you know they're Y/N's favourite animal? She knows a lot about them!".

"Okay, then! Your momma has some sandwiches for you and little cakes for when you want to come down and join us - no pressure, Y/N, but she might keep you here forever now that she knows you like animals too", your boyfriend's mother squeezed your shoulder.

"Is everything alright?", Logan asked as he watched his mother get back to the living room on her own.

"Millie is holding Y/N hostage, but I think they'll be down here soon!", Madelyn offered, "I think she's in love with her".

"Looks like you've got some competition, man", Daniel told his son.

"She looked to be having a good time - she's such a sweet girl", his aunt said.

"She helps babysitting some kids, and there are not a lot of little ones in her family, and I'm sure Millie has picked her brain about her studies", Logan offered, "she's studying to be a vet".

"She's very lovely", Madelyn said spontaneously, "You would be a fool if you let her slip through your fingers. She's smart, caring, loving - I can tell from the way you look at her", she offered.

She had always been honest with him and she was known for not leaving words unsaid, but to do so in such a spontaneous and open way was surprising to Logan.

"And Millie loves her, and you know how much she hates new people - she has her seal of approval", she smiled before everyone heard giggles approaching.

"We were so entertained and having so much fun that I didn't even notice the time passing by", you apoligised as you sat down next to Logan on the sofa, Millie sitting by the coffee table and munching on the snacks.

"You have some glitter here, babe", Logan pointed out, shaking some of the yellow flakes from your eyebrow.

"I'm a bright star, of course I have it", you joked, giving him a big smile before Millie pulled on your pants' leg.

"Y/N, these are my favourite - momma and I baked them!", she offered you a small biscuit, "these bits here that look like giraffe spots are cinnamon!", the little girl smiled.

"Thank you, Millie", you accepted, taking a bit out of them and humming, "they're very very good!".

"Logan, did Y/N also teach you how to tell apart the different giraffe species?", Millie asked her cousin, choosing to sit on his thighs.

"I think she has, yes - the star shaped ones are the giraffa giraffa, right? And there's the one with 'camel' in the name because of a hump on the neck", Logan offered.

"That's right, Logan!", the little girl cheered as she drank some of the juice her mother offered in her cup.

Conversation flowed between you, his family members asking you questions about you so they could get to know you without delving into matters that you deemed too personal, which you were grateful for, and overall it was just a nice chat.

"Logan used to go around with this cap he had signed by some of the drivers - you must have been what? 10 maybe? I still remember the fight I had with him because he wanted to shower with it", his aunt laughed after clapping her hands once, "he was so adamant that the ink wouldn't budge that I had to show him that it would vanish and then he let me take it away from him".

You were loving all the childhood stories, holding Logan's hand and laughing with them, kissing his cheek once the rest of the group got up to help his aunt in the kitchen once they suggested that you stay over for dinner.

"I was a dorky kid, what can I say?", your boyfriend smiled as blush erupted on his cheeks.

"Shut up, your stories are the cutest!", you giggled, "way better than my 'I wanted to prove I was as tall as my older cousins so I fell in the pool' and 'I cut my own hair because my mum was busy with work and I thought I was helping her' stories", you argued.

"Depends on how you look at them, really", he smiled, stealing a kiss from your lips before Millie came back.

"Y/N, are you staying here with auntie Madelyn and uncle Daniel after Logan leaves?", she asked.

"Do you want me to leave, Millie?", Logan asked, feigning offense with his hand on his chest.

"No, silly - but I know you travel for work, so maybe Y/N could stay here!", she explained.

"I can't, Millie, I have school back home", you offered, noticing her shoulders fall.

"I like having you here, I like you", she muttered.

"I like you too a lot, Millie - how about we play as much as we can while I'm here, hm? You can pick my brain about anything you want, not just giraffes! Do you like tigers? Or cows?", you suggested, diverting the attention to something else.

"Tigers and cows? That's a weird combination", Logan quirked an eyebrow, "my practical exam was about cows and I was studying tigers before I left", you shrugged your shoulders.

.

"You guys can stay here whilst I do the debrief", Logan guided you inside the hospitality, letting you know where everything was in case you needed it.

You, Daniel and Madelyn engaged in conversation, hearing a couple of more stories from Logan's childhood and a few of your own stories from back home.

"It's my mum, sorry, if you'll excuse me", you said before heading outside since the signal was better there.

Once you finished your call to update your parents on how things were going there and here, you felt fabric run over your sandals, looking down to see a small dachshund puppy.

"Hey there, little one", you bent down to pet him, "you look like you're lost, hm? Who do you belong to?", you mused, rubbing his belly once he flopped down.

Behind you, you could hear Alex's and Logan's voice approaching and then you spotted Lily too.

"Hey, Y/N!", she waved, "Since when do you and Logan have a puppy? It's so cute!", she beamed.

"Hi! We don't, I just found him, or he found me I guess", you mumbled.

"This looks like Charles' dog, doesn't he?", she mused again.

"Have you two seen a small dachshund- Oh! Tell Charles he's here!", Logan said as he spotted the dog on your lap while Alex began calling the monégasque driver.

"He's here, Charles!", your boyfriend called once he spotted the Ferrari driver, "Animals just find their way to her, I guess", he joked as he watched you play with the dachshund puppy.

"Look at your puppy teeth - do you know what this one is called? I know, Leo! I go to university so I can treat little ones like you, but also the big ones! Have you met big dogs too?", you mused, all too happy with the puppy who seemed to be happy at the attention he was getting.

Charles approached you as you got up, carrying the puppy and giving him to him, "Oh no, Leo - did you run away from your parents?", you asked the dog, "now, that's not something nice to do, is it? They were probably worried about you, little guy!", you said before letting him go back to Charles.

"Thank you! He seems to have liked you", he pointed out, holding Leo in his arms.

"He just came in here and started playing with my shoelaces", you smiled.

"Leo does that a lot - last week, he found my sandals and he was a puppy on a mission running away from me with them!", Alexandra chuckled.

By the time the sprint race was happening, you sat in the garage and watched the whole race, waiting to see about the penalties they were handing out, seeing Logan ended up with P10.

"That was a good run, though, wasn't it?", you asked your boyfriend once he was able to be with you, "some learning curves for tomorrow at least".

"The balance was a bit off, but we'll look into it", he stated, kissing your forehead before also greeting his parents.

"I'm going to the bathroom", you excused yourself.

After discussing the sprint, his parents took the opportunity that you weren't there to talk to Logan about you.

"She loves you a lot, I can tell - I just hope we haven't been too much for her, this whole things is too much as it is", she gestured to the whole paddock and figuratively to the life her son led.

"The whole media attention definitely isn't her favourite thing, but she's been doing well, we speak about it every now and again to check and make sure we're both well with all of it. She's very private and her friends and family also help a lot with arranging stuff and being careful with those sorts of things", Logan offered.

"She's an incredible young woman, and you two are great together", Daniel complemented his wife's opinion.

All doubts of whether it had been right or not to bring you home for a few days washed away as Logan heard his parents talk about you like you were one of their own, welcoming you into their family so seamlessly and listing and pointing out all of the things that attracted Logan to you in the first place. You fit right in with his family and Logan couldn't be prouder of that.

[flanaganfilm]

Hey, Mike! Did moving to Los Angeles at the start of your career turn out to be all that you thought it would be? It’s a big step that a lot of people take, and I’ve never really heard you talk about those early years before. Did you ever contemplate quitting? And if so, I’m glad you stuck to it - we love your work!

Oh, I contemplated quitting many, many times.

I moved to Los Angeles in January, 2003. I had just graduated the previous summer from Towson University, and a group of five of us moved out together. Some wanted to be filmmakers, some wanted to be actors. We shared a 3-bedroom apartment in Glendale. The adjacent apartment was occupied by four other Towson alums. Between the two apartments, we called it "Little Towson." I didn't own a car at the start. I had no health insurance. I'd saved a few thousand dollars to get me through the first six months, but none of us had jobs at the beginning. I remember applying (and being rejected) for a job at Walmart. I combed Craigslist looking for non-union editorial gigs.

I had told myself I'd give it five years, and if I hadn't gotten any traction, I'd move back to Maryland.

People started dropping out pretty quickly. One of my roommates (and one of my best friends) had moved out here to be an actor, and only lasted a few months before he decided to go back. It's overwhelming and terrifying to take a leap into a city as expensive as LA, and you're surrounded by people who all want the same career that you want. But it feels like there is a thousand foot wall circling the industry, and it seems impossible to scale it.

I found work doing odd editorial jobs before working as a logger, than an assistant editor, then an editor on a few reality shows. I shot and cut those local car commercials you see on late night cable. And I frequently ran out of money and overdrafted my account. As more and more of our original group gave up and moved back East, I started to feel more and more crazy. A lot of my friends from school were getting married, buying houses, having kids. I felt pretty delusional as my 5-year deadline came and went, and I still hadn't found any way over or through that wall. When we started to talk about making Absentia in 2010, I had been in LA for more than 7 years. I was working two jobs as an editor. I found out I was going to be a father. It felt very much like whatever I'd wanted to happen by moving to LA was not going to happen. Absentia was kind of last-ditch effort. Ultimately, the five year plan I'd allowed myself when I moved to LA turned into a 9-year plan. I started shooting Oculus - my first "real" movie - in the fall of 2012, just shy of my 10th anniversary in Los Angeles. That movie wouldn't come out for a while after that, so by the time I actually had a career as a filmmaker, well over a decade had passed struggling in LA.

For most of that time, my refusal to move back to Maryland looked (and felt) like a delusion. Only afterward did it start to look like "tenacity." And it never felt like "persistence" or "determination"... it felt insane. It felt like constant, daily frustration and rejection. And when I couldn't pay the bills, or couldn't land a job, it felt downright embarrassing.

For what it's worth, the only difference I've seen between people who "make it" out here and don't are that the ones who made it all stayed long past their expiration dates. I've seen wildly talented people pack it up and head home. Talent helps a lot once the door is open, but really the only thing that opens the door is persistence. To the point of feeling insane.

[kingshovelbug]

Hii what is your best advice to younger adults trying to make it independently and make a living? In art, savings or anything you think of. Thank you in advance!

dont be too hard on yourself. its tough out there right now in regards to like everything regardless of what old people say. also this is going to be a lot so im slapping a read more on here

⭐️ first thing id recommend for anyone is to start figuring out a budget. figure out how much youre making monthly. keep all your food receipts for a month or two to see what youre spending on food. find out what youre paying for thats necessary like utilities and whats not

the goal for a budget (or at least mine) is to find a good balance of earning vs spending. im paying off my credit card right now because i ran through all my savings after we had to move last year but my goal used to be to save 1/4 of what i earned after bills and putting money into an emergency fund (usually an emergency fund is 3 months worth of expenses). but it depends on how much you can comfortably put away. if you can put more away do it. but if you never spend money and deprive yourself of joy youre going to burn yourself out regardless of what your job is

⭐️ if youre not already buy store brand for as much shit as you can. if its an ingredient i promise as someone who cooks and bakes you probably wont notice the difference. if its an actual snack it depends. again both from a money perspective and to boycott pro-isreal companies we get a lot of snacks from aldis and theyre awesome. i dont miss anything from mars, oreos etc when i have my chocolate coconut wafers

⭐️ if you have any subscriptions and you need to get rid of something you can probably cancel them. for *most* things theres some kind of free alternative. but again just like with a budget. there are going to be some subscriptions that make your life easier and while youd save money without them it would lead to extra work and burning out. ex willow has kofi gold because it has really cool extra features that help with running the shop. but for streaming services? im going to be so honest. both to save money and with how cheeky streaming companies (in a bad way) have been getting… you can find whatever you want to watch online for free

if you need to use anything from the microsoft office suite, but youre not required by youre job to specifically use microsoft, libreoffice is a free alternative that i actually like better. its what i use to help willow run their shop and its free

for art programs. if you still have photoshop switch. not just for money reasons. adobe is getting bold with what they can claim as their content and use from what people produce in their program. the switch isnt the easiest but there are a bunch of alternatives. some free some like csp offer one time licenses which are so much better than subscriptions. will has spent almost $2k on photoshop and after effects from using it as long as they have. when csp is $50 and they like csp better anyways. i also know of krita and fire alpaca which are free

⭐️ also theres stuff about being an adult that i thought you had to pay for but you dont? like for car insurance i went through an independent insurance agent and they found me a cheaper plan than i could find myself. i didnt pay the guy. they get a cut from the insurance company for finding them another customer. some banks or credit cards offer financial advising sessions to users. its boring but if you can get a copy of your health insurance see if they have any free shit on there thats available for you. my brother gets free doctor finding? like i can call them, tell them what specialist he needs and instead of me calling around to find one that can take him, they connect me with someone. my work offers 3 free therapy sessions (better than nothing) and free food that i take advantage of

⭐️ i think one of the biggest things that makes an impact for us is researching before buying stuff. sounds like a no brainer but you dont just want to find the cheapest deal. you want to find the best bargain, the best bang for your buck. whats the best quality thing you can get that you can also afford? itll prevent your from having to replace stuff all the time and by extension spending more than you need to. we have nonstick pots and pans that are scratched and starting to peel (which apparently can cause cancer??) that were cheap because of being on sale. now after looking into what makes quality cookware i know i should of just slowly bought stainless steel

⭐️ last big one. credit cards. unfortunately we need them so find one with a low apr and that offers decent cash back. use it up to like 20% of your limit and pay it off every month. focus on using it on things that will get you cash back so you can essentially get free money

im sure i could ramble more but this is already super long

[heavyhitterheaux]

Breaking Point

Gif by @harlowgifs 💕

AN: angst ahead and this takes place a few years after Through Thick and Thin 🤭

Synopsis: Jeremy has been lying to you and sneaking behind your back playing basketball when he promised you that he would quit and find a stable job to take care of the both of you. When a certain video comes across your timeline on instagram, you reach your breaking point and your patience has run out

Pairing: Jeremy x Reader (WMCJ)

Requested by: The treacherous twin @harlowsbby 😘💕

Jack Harlow Masterlist

Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere

You and your boyfriend were sitting on the couch having a quiet night inside and you were scrolling through your phone while he was talking about one of his new clients that he was working with at the gym named Kamal and getting him to do the 30 day detox program and had his head laying in your lap. You had heard of him since just about everyone who lived in your area knew who he was and you were excited to meet him on Saturday for his son’s birthday party since Jeremy spoke so highly of him.

Just then you caught sight of a video of Jeremy and Kamal playing basketball over on the east side and you felt your heart rate pick up and your face getting hot from anger. You had to take a second to breathe because you were two seconds away from letting him have it.

“Baby, did you hear me?” Jeremy asked and you promptly slid him off of your lap to sit next to him and you were simply staring at him.

“Do you have something that you want to tell me?” You asked and he was looking at you dumbfounded.

“No, I don’t think so. What day is it? It’s Thursday, right? Did I forget something?”

You simply turned your phone around to let him look at it and he suddenly got a look of panic on his face.

“So you mean to tell me that you have been fucking lying to my face this entire time?!” You said while getting up and crossing your arms.

“Wait, baby let me explain.”

“Explain WHAT? Now you’re playing basketball for money? WITH KAMAL? 30 day detox program MY ASS. I cannot believe you fucking lied to me. WE NEVER LIE TO EACH OTHER JEREMY! NEVER! AS UNDERSTANDING OF A PERSON THAT I AM?!”

“Y/N, I know you’re mad, but…”

“You don’t know SHIT! I am so fucking tired of being the only one making money in this house with a steady income! And here you are fucking gambling the little bit of money that we do have saved because how the fuck else are you doing it and entering competitions?”

“WHY CAN’T YOU LET ME HAVE THIS?! YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME! AND I ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF YOU, ALWAYS!”

“You take care of me with what? THE FUCKING EBT CARD? Baby, I want you to be SAFE! That is my main concern! Do you remember when I found you on the FLOOR after your last surgery because you tried to get up by yourself and your knee gave out? What if it happens again and it’s worse, huh? What will happen if you have to get surgery again? HOW THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO PAY FOR IT WHEN NEITHER OF US HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE?! AND I WON’T HAVE IT UNTIL I GET A BETTER PAYING JOB WITH BENEFITS! WE ARE BARELY FUCKING SURVIVING…. BARELY!” 

“This might be the only shot that I have left to get into the league and I’m going to fucking take it!”

“You are addicted to popping pills no matter how much I try to get you to stop and you most definitely lied about that to me also saying that you were done when I found the bottle yesterday, you have had multiple surgeries and you’re pushing 30 years old and you honestly think that the goal is still going to become a reality? How can we build for our future if you are still living in a fantasy land?! I’m holding on because I don’t want to leave you behind but WAKE THE FUCK UP!”

All Jeremy did was look at you in disbelief before slipping on his slides and grabbing his keys.

“Go ahead, run away like you always fucking do. You’re so scared of me telling you the truth. You need to hear it whether you like it or not. Why can’t you see how much I love you and care about you?!” You said while looking at him and all he did was remain quiet.

“Now I’m beginning to think that you love basketball and popping pills more than you do me.”

“Don’t you ever say that out of your mouth EVER again.” He quietly muttered but all you did was shake your head and threw the pill bottle at him that you got from beneath the couch cushion since you found his hiding spot. He dodged it and it quickly hit the floor.

“Hmm, go ahead and pick it up because I know you want to. If you love me more than the pills, then you won’t.” Was all you said before he turned around and opened the front door to walk out.

Not even ten seconds later, the door was opening again and he quickly picked the pill bottle up off the floor and you just shook your head.

“So, this is what it’s come to? Grow the fuck up because you’re about to be a father and I absolutely REFUSE to bring a child into this mess.”

Jeremy left without another word and all you did was sigh as you sat back down on the couch with tears streaming down your face.

—

It had been a total of three weeks and you haven’t spoken to Jeremy once since the two of you had that huge argument. You were currently staying with one of your best friends, Sadie and she was trying to convince you to hear him out.

“Go and talk to your man, it has literally almost been a damn month since the argument. He loves you more than life itself.”

“Sure doesn’t seem like it.”

“Y/N, come on. You know how much basketball means to him. Now look I am not defending him in any way, however just hear him out. He definitely shouldn’t have lied but I mean come on, if he had asked you there was no way in the world that you were going to say yes to him playing again.”

“Sadie, I’m just scared. This is exactly what I thought was going to happen. The surgeries not working and him trying to hold onto his dream by literal threads. I saw this coming ever since the first two surgeries didn’t work. I… my baby is addicted to popping pills. What if he overdoses and leaves me? Leaves us? I cannot fathom what I would do. I have been with him since I was 17.”

“And all your feelings are valid. But instead of telling me, you need to tell him that. It’s like he knows that he needs help but… I just can’t describe it. Y/N, you know good and well that the last thing he wants is to be addicted to pills. The last thing he would ever want to do is lose you. Just go talk to him. He has been blowing up your phone and MINE for that matter.”

All you did was nod before picking up your phone and sending him a text.

You- Baby, meet me at that new vegan restaurant in an hour

Not even two seconds later you got a response

Jeremy- Is this the part where we break up?

You- If you think that I would give up on you that easily, then you don’t know your girl very well

It was now 7 PM and Sadie had dropped you off at the restaurant and you were nervous. You just wanted for the two of you to be okay. You’ve overcome a lot in the past, but this had to be the one argument that you didn’t know your relationship could come back from. 

You walked in to see him sitting at a table near the back and immediately made your way towards him. He spotted you and quickly hopped up and pulled your chair out for you.

“Thank you.” You said while looking up at him and he gave you a small smile before responding.

“Of course.”

He then went to sit back down in his seat across from you and the two of you were simply staring at each other.

Jeremy was the first one to break the silence.

“Umm, baby I missed you.” He said while grabbing both of your hands and your eyes immediately started to water.

“I missed you too.”

“I… I’m sorry for lying to you and I just wanted to hopefully make some money in order for us to save for our little one but I admit that I shouldn’t have done it. I was being reckless and I… I can’t take the thought of me losing you. You have been there for me more than anyone else has and no matter how much I tried to push you away you were always there when I needed you. I didn’t think about me getting hurt again and the last thing I want is to put you through that because I saw what it did to you too. You mean more to me than anything else in the world, more than basketball and definitely more than the pills and whatever I have to do to make you see that, I’ll do it.”

“I just worry about you so much. Deep down I know that you aren’t happy and… you have to do something for me if nothing else please do this.”

“Anything, baby. I’ll do absolutely anything for you. And being with you makes me happy.”

“I just love you so much but please get help about the pills. I cannot…. “

You took a deep breath before continuing knowing that you were about to cry.

“I don’t want to wake up without you by my side because you overdosed on them. What am I going to do without you? What am I going to tell our little boy? Daddy’s not here because he couldn’t see how much this dream was costing him his actual life?”

“I promise, I will. I’ve gotten so dependent on them and it’s just that it makes me not be able to feel anything and the last thing that I want to do is leave the two of you. I’m so sorry for everything that I’ve put you through and I’m going to prove to you that I won’t go back on my word.”

You simply nodded while wiping your tears away and it looked as if Jeremy had gotten a sharp pain in his knee and winced while leaning out of his chair.

“Ahh, shit, my knee.”

“Baby, what’s wrong?” You asked while attempting to stand up but he then looked up at you holding a ring in his hands as he was down kneeling on one knee.

“Y/N, I said all that to ask you if you would marry me?”

“Wait… how did you pay for this?” You asked while looking down at the pear shaped ring that you told him years ago that you wanted. 

“Baby, don’t worry about it, just give me an answer.”

“If you can get yourself up off the floor without my help, I might consider it.”

“Whaaaat? Seriously? Baby, I have not one but two bad knees! Help me out!”

“Of course I’ll marry you silly! And come on you big baby.” You said as he slipped on your ring and you leaned down to help him up while giving him several kisses.

“Oh, shit. We’re really doing this aren’t we?” Jeremy asked and you simply laughed.

“Yeah, it looks like we are.”

Just then you got a text from Sadie and all you did was smile looking at it

Sadie- I already know what happened since I’m literally sitting across the room. NOW LET ME SEE THE RING!

“Through thick and thin, right?” Jeremy asked and you immediately smiled again.

“Through thick and thin, baby.”

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[cereusblue]

https://gofund.me/96bce824

Hi, all. So, I've had a day from hell and I'm too exhausted to re-explain on another platform. But here, I'll copy paste the story here. TLDR at the bottom. If you can't help, pass it on. Literally everything helps. Love you all.

Good day all, thank you for stopping your busy day to check my page.

Let me lay out the situation as best I can.

First off, some background for myself and my family. My fiancee and I only have(had) one functioning car between us when we took in a family member of his in an emergency CPS case. We are trying our hardest to take care of her and teach her how to be a person, but our schedules and only having one vehicle has made that a struggle. She has gotten a job just last week and is working hard to get on her feet. It's great and we are very proud of her! It's part time for the time being while she learns how to manage finances and how the world works.

However, since October things have started taking a turn for the worse. Between my fiancee and I, we both worked minimum wage and in October I bent over to put on a shoe and my back made a horrible crack noise. I went to the ER in immense pain and despite having insurance, I still got dumped with a hefty bill that to this day I am still trying to pay off. I have gone through physical therapy as requested by my doctor, since he didn't want to operate on someone of my age. However, it did nothing but agitate the problem. While I can now move around again, bending over and lifting anything past 15 pounds is strenuous. I'm in pain every single day and even sitting up is difficult most days. I can't stand up for long anymore before it becomes too much on my back. But things continue to happen, as they do. I was set to come back to see my surgeon this year but on Dec 29th in the last hour of the day, my job decided that an AI system could completely take over my job and laid me off. Getting unemployment as well as answers back from my previous work has been very difficult. My benefits were cut off with no chance to refill medications or see my surgeon. So, now my continued treatment to fix my back on top of my other health issues have all been put on pause. I've been working for almost two years now to get treatment and figure out what's wrong with my health, but I am now on a desperate search for a new job.

Which leads us to today. We are already strapped for money, and on a trip to an interview and my fiancee going to work, we got taken down a gravel road that looked deceptively fine. Driving across, the ice was far deeper than it appeared and it destroyed the grill, bumper, and wheel well (I believe that's what it's called) aka part of the frame that covers the front wheels broke and are hanging. That's not where it ends. So, I took the car to get it temporarily fixed so we could hopefully figure something out to get repairs done. The car got a temporary fix, and then I proceeded to take the car to pick up my fiancee from work. He and I began our drive back home, and as we were passing train tracks a doe jumped out into the road way too close to us. She only came into view as she appeared in the lights of the car, immediately getting bodied by the car. As you can see from the image, she destroyed the hood of the car and much more. I feel horrible for the poor thing and I hope she went quickly, noticing the fur and blood on the front bumper. We managed to get the car home, but the check engine light came on. This car is a Toyota prius. Anyone who knows anything about a prius knows they are basically tin cans. So, the worry is that the cooling system is busted now too. This will exponentially increase the amount we need to pay to repair the vehicle.

The worst part is, is that this is the only car we have to go to work and for me to go to interviews. I do have a car, but it's not in running condition right now. The poor thing is a 1999 and needs some parts replaced that we have not had the funds or availability to get a list of parts and have them replaced. The car also can't move anyway right now and would need towed. The prius is our only vehicle we have, and I don't have the funds to drop on fixing it. Insurance won't pay for it as far as we have been made aware by the body shop because of the type of insurance we have.

So, this is the current estimate we have to work with in regards to repairs. The entire front, hood, coolant system, and I know a few more pieces need replaced. The prius can run and be moved to a body shop at least, but paying for it will be a nightmare. If he can't get to work, we are in major trouble. My fiancee, his little sister, and I all rely on this car for work. While I'm still looking for work, I'm very limited because of my current physical state. We've spent a lot of money on my Healthcare already and every day are worried I'm going to reach for something and have my back crack again. While we are working on Medicaid, these things are proving a slow process. They also don't cover previous medical bills when I did have insurance. So, our only choice is to live off his income currently while I'm on a search for a new job every day. Our lives depend on this one car. Especially since we live out in the woods and work is 40 minutes away.

If you've read this far, I appreciate every single second of your time. Every single hand this gofundme goes through will be a huge help. If you can't help, that's okay, please don't stress your own financials if youre in a tough spot. If you can pass this along to anyone you can, that would be more than enough. Thank you again, and I wish you all better fortune this 2024.

For those who can't read the whole thing;

TLDR; Me and my family are already going through a lot of financial troubles with my health and being laid off, our only mode of transportation is severely damaged from an unmaintained roads massive pothole and hitting a deer in the same day. Three people rely on this one vehicle for all our jobs and interviews that are far from home. Donate if you can, if not, please share and thank you so very much.

Also including another picture here for you all to see. Thank you all again, I wish you better fortune this year.

[razor-tits]

A very long and over due life update.

So, to start this off I guess I need to back up. Let's start in October. It feels like yesterday but also a lifetime ago. Things were...ok I'd say. Boring, routine, the only shake up was my hormones ran out and my job was changing our insurance, so I had to cancel my follow up appointment for bloodwork and a refill. But then I got some bad news from my parents.

My dad had a heart attack and was in the hospital. He was ok, but he needed surgery. First they thought just a stent, but then decided he needed a triple bypass. I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, but we're kind of distant. I live a few hours away and only see them around the holidays but we talk on the phone weekly. My dad can lean a little on the conservative side but both of them are the absolute salt of the earth. They're done so much to help me and I felt powerless to be able to help. I couldn't leave work and felt like there was nothing I could do.

The next couple weeks were rough, my dad was staying in the hospital, my mom was going back and forth staying with him and taking care of my grandma, who is in her late 80's and has a litany of health issues. On a Friday I finally managed to make the drive home and spend the weekend there. Seeing my dad laid up in a hospital gown tied to machines is something i'll never forget. He could get up and move and acted like he was ok. But he's one of those guys you meet and you think he's invincible. The kind of guy that put a new roof on our house with a broken finger and can't turn away a stray animal at the door. Some family members I hadn't seen in a long time came and went over the weekend. Thoughts of our own mortality set in and I realize this could be the last time I see any of them.

I've lost people before. Some of them suddenly and unexpectedly. Others who's death was almost a sigh of relief after fighting for so long. I never got to say goodbye when my friend died and I hope he knows how much he meant to me. I don't want to feel that again, ever.

The day of surgery came. He was in the OR for 3 hours but it felt like an eternity and a second at the same time. A few hours after that my mom and I were able to see him. He was extubated already, which was a good sign. But he was on heavy medication, incoherent, coming in and out of sleep. But he knew I was there and that's all that mattered.

I had to leave and make my way back to my parents to get my dog, and then make the 2 hour drive back to Ohio and go back to work in the morning. At this point I knew my dad would be ok, he just had to get through recovery. But now thoughts of my own health were worrying me. I'm not in the best shape, I don't exercise or work out. I've already had surgery to fix stomach problems. Everyone on my dad's side has heart problems, and everyone on my mom's side has cancer and diabetes. There's not much I do to prevent any of that. I'm in my 30's and I feel it, maybe more than I should.

Over the next couple months my mental health continues to fall. I had a birthday and spent it sick, as I always seem to do. It's always a rough time of year for me. Seasonal depression kicks in, I get older, and another year passes. My dog, my best friend, the reason I kept myself alive, is getting old. I see it more and more every day and it breaks my heart.

The holidays came and went. I saw my grandma for the first time in a few years. Always wondering if it will be the last. Despite that, this year I never felt less in the holiday spirit. I used to love this time of year, now I desperately try to enjoy it, but part of me just wants it to be over. The best part seems to be a few days off work.

At this point it should be noted I have not restarted hormones. My identity has always been more in flux than i've let on, and maybe that needs to be it's own post, but I don't know if I want to start again or not. I don't know what I want, I don't know what my goals are. I don't know who i am. Beyond basic hygiene, I really don't even feel like taking care of myself most days. I pretty much always feel melancholic. I'm not angry, I don't get excited, I don't have much joy. My sex drive is non existent and I have no desire to do...well, anything.

New year's comes and I honestly couldn't care. It feels like another day. My gf and I go out and have an Ok time. I'm just so tired all the time it's hard for me to go out and enjoy myself like I used to.

And then, a couple days ago my landlord calls. We have to move out. Not sure when, but probably soon. I'm heartbroken and panicking over it. We absolutely love our house. We've only been here about a year and a half but it's been wonderful. It has plenty of room, privacy, it's quiet. We can leave our doors unlocked and packages aren't stolen off our porch. We're allowed both of our dogs and all 3 of our cats with no issues. We've invested so much time and money here. My gf is close with the owners and their children, who were the previous tenants. We even thought about trying to buy this house off of them when their other kid moves out of the downstairs apartment. And it's affordable. Anything else like what we have now will cost double and we can't afford that.

Our last apartment was tiny, cramped, dark and ran by an awful property investment company. And now we have to deal with that again. If we can even find a place where we can take 5 animals. We can hide 2 of the cats, but not all of them. We're in no position to buy nor do we have the time to go through the process. My gf said we may have to find 2 different apartments and live separately for a while. Just the thought of that brings me to tears. I can't live without her, I can't live without our pets. We're a family. I don't know what to do.

Since I got the phone call I've done nothing but panic, contact rental agencies and weigh my options. None of them are good. Best case scenario is we move in a smaller, worse place, paying more rent.

Nothing is going right for me. I know this isn't insurmountable and nothing that people haven't gone through before. But...god damn I need a break and I can't get one.

[pettyprocrastination]

I turn 23 in 30 minutes

(discussion of mental health, depression, and body image/body weight).

I'm queuing this post ahead of time in hopes that by midnight I will be asleep like a responsible adult because I do in fact have work in the morning (fixing my sleep schedule is a slow and steady race I promise you all) but this is just a sort of. reflection? on my year and my thoughts on reaching another big age.

nobody needs to look at this- I'm just using this as a journal because I'm pretty sure mine is still in the trunk of my car from when I went on vacation.

anywhoo. I turn 23 in 30 minutes. And its. weird?

But still nice.

I started this year off in a horrendous spot.

I was 112 lbs, still working my shit retail job where i'd go and cry in the bathroom just about every single shift for the next two months. I didn't want to eat, sleep, shower, or interact with anybody. I hadn't felt like this since my stepfather died and even then it wasn't as severe. I hated myself and blamed myself for everything wrong in my life, I felt like a ghost in my own body.

But slowly, things began to improve.

I have a new job now, a 9 to 5 that I enjoy yet I'm unfortunately going to have to return to the job hunt soon so I can find one that gives me benefits as I can't stay on my family's health insurance forever (the joys of adulthood) but It still feels good to have that dedicate schedule where I get to work with my hands and get paid for it every Monday through Friday.

I'm spending more time with my friends. Last week I spent a week at the beach with a dear friend of mine and a collection of her own friends, none of which I had met before. I was absolutely petrified initially but had the time of my life with them all, ending the wonderful experience with going to my first ever concert and crying from the joy of it all. (it was hozier.)

I'm pushing myself to do more and go out- I'm in a coaching position for my roller derby league, I recently attended a practice scrimmage with players who have been in this sport for 8+ years and while I fully believed I didn't belong in this space, I was able to hold my own and had so much fun getting to play with all of them. I don't know if i'll be able to try out for the state league because of scheduling- but maybe some day further down the line.

I took a day trip out of state to go to an all women's gym with friends at my university before I graduated. One thing to know about me is that I go to the gym alone about 99.9% of the time. I'm not good at social situations, especially ones in new areas so the notion initially was one I was ready to dismiss- but how often do you get chances like that?

I've signed up for my first ever powerlifting meet. I'm still very new to the gym with less than a year of weight lifting under my belt, but i've told myself this is the year to push myself and become somebody I'm proud of nobody how hard it is going to be. I've always loved powerlifting and want to get into the sport so bad but I can't afford a coach nor do I want to sign up for a full competition without knowing the ins and outs of the first event. I found a local deadlifting competition for a pride foundation next month and signed up for it with the goal of increasing my deadlift by at least 10 lbs by then. I'm simply competition against myself and trying to see how much I can progress during that time, which is something I really love about the sport. I'm still a fucking lightweight loser when it comes to heavy lifting- but at least this way I'll be able to see what a meet is like and learn what to expect.

I started going to therapy beginning of February/late January. It's been a saving grace honestly. Having an unbiased professional I can sit and talk and cry to has been quite the saving outlet. I rent a private study room at the library once every week for our meetings and it's become a little ritual of my own that i'm quite fond of now. (take this as your reminder that your local public library has so many amazing resources that even if you don't read often you can still use!!) though I've only been going for a few months, it's helped me drastically in how I view myself and letting others in during moments of weakness.

I'm allowing myself to rely on my friends. It isn't easy. And honestly sometimes I fucking hate it and feel pathetic for it- but my friends have been there for me so goddamn much within the past few months I honestly don't know where I'd be without them. There are days where I'd rather curl up In my bed and not speak to a single soul about how I feel because there's nothing I fear more than being a burden to those I love- but I have to remind myself that they want to be there for me the same way I want to be there for them. If they need me to pull back they'll simply communicate that desire and I will do so, but I can't keep assuming the worst when I need to rely on somebody for love and support. It's hard to not feel like a burden in those moments, that I'm exhausting those I love- but I also know I would do the same for them any day of the week. "Shared joy is double the joy, shared sorrow is half the sorrow".

I'm back at 124 lbs. I know it may not seem like much to others but gaining back that 12 lbs over four months has been such an uphill battle not only due to my own genetics+metabolism that makes gaining weight a fucking pain in the ass, but also keeping myself accountable when my mental health is at an all time low to still eat full meals and take care of my body. The moment I stepped on the scale and saw those numbers I cried real tears. I still want to gain more weight, but seeing that improvement helped me realize I am in fact improving and not just staying in this permanent transition period of stagnation for the rest of my life as I've feared.

I'm kinder to myself. At least, I'm trying to do so. I've found that the reality of life is that it's infinitely easier to blame yourself for everything and rot in self loathing rather than take a step back to go "actually- that's not true" and find the strength to go forward while also being aware of what you can do to better yourself as a person, not just for others, but for your own sake at well.

That being said- not every day is meant for self-analysis and introspection. Some days it's okay to just cry and eat some fucking candy bars on the couch my friends.

I'm slowly finding the joy and energy to write again. It's been a hassle to do so- working a 9 to 5 while also going to the gym and then doing chores leaves very little time and energy for other passions- but I've found it's annoying but meaningful work to dedicate time for the little things that make you happy. I've started by promising myself to limit my screentime by not using my phone as much during the day- my lunch breaks at work are spent typing away on a little e-ink word processor I treated myself to instead of doom scrolling on my phone. I've written three short little stories on it, some of them fanfiction others are not- while also beginning a horror project that i've thought about for a year now and want to see where it will go in the end. It's nothing as grand at the 10k beautifully written fics you all create- but I'm finding my passion again and it feels quite nice. I'd like to create something submission worthy this summer, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

I'd like to set myself the goal of being able to afford an apartment next year. My family plans on moving cities within a year so it will give me time to save up more money and maybe even get back to making little things on the side to help earn some extra pocket cash for that dream while also paying off my student loans.

I'm not anywhere near the woman I thought i'd at 23 when I was 18 years old. I still live at home, I'm not using my major for my career, nor am I doing anything particularly astounding in my life. But I think that it's okay- and I'm proud of the progress I have made to get myself to this position.

Tomorrow I will spend my birthday at work. Then I will go for a walk (or perhaps a skate?) listen to some music, treat myself to a little sweet drink in my budget and then go see the challengers movies. Maybe with my friends, maybe by myself. I'm not sure yet. I will likely cry at some point during the day, I always do on my birthday.

But I know that I am growing. Even if Its hard to see.

[saltsicklover]

Hung Every Star

Title: Hung Every Star

Pairing: Bruce Banner x Disabled!Fem!Reader

Word Count: 7000

Rating: T

Warnings: Talk of medical problems, disabled reader.

Friends to Lovers!!!

Disclaimer: I do not own Bruce Banner, or anything related to Marvel within this piece. Not Proof Read or BETA'd. All mistakes are my own.

I do not consent for my work to be edited, reposted, or translated.

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"Bruce, listen to me, and listen to me good," I speak into the phone, my voice a sort of choked up and strangled mess of syllables and affixes, "I am going to be just fine. Things are going to be tough, but I don't need you to worry about them. You have the world saving thing to worry about. I am going to find a new doctor, take another job to pay for health issuance, and I am going to get back on my medication in a few months. Everything is going to be just fine." I repeat the last bit more for my own benefit than for his. 

I have just been informed that my current insurance no longer covers my medical care and I had called Bruce, a lifelong friend, to vent. Part of it was also a lie, I lost my insurance all together when I got laid off, but frankly I am not ready to admit that to anyone yet. 

We have known each other since we were children, or I suppose since I was a child and he was just barely a teenager. Our families each owned a portion of a time share that just so happened to be a duplex. Every summer we would pack our things and head for the lake, taking  up residence next to the Banner family. Bruce and I's bedroom even shared a wall. As we got older, I would cover for him when he snuck out and he would make sure that I was always cared for. The eight year age gap never seemed to faze us, and we were fast friends who loved each other like siblings. 

"Bubba, please," He began, my childhood nickname all but covers up the too familiar plead in his voice that I have begun to hear too often, "Just come to the compound and let me help." 

"You know how I feel about going upstate." I try and swerve the subject and I know Bruce is shaking his head on the other end of the phone. 

"This isn't about traveling upstate and you know it!" He shouts, but I don't bother pulling the phone from my ear. I can hear him breathe deeply over the line as he composes himself, "Bubba, I know you don't want to feel like you are burdening anyone, but you aren't okay? How about you come first thing on Monday and let me check you out. Everyone is going to be away on mission and I will sleep better knowing you have at least let me check you out."

I hum into the receiver as I mull over his words. As much as I don't want to inconvenience the Avengers, especially because they just got done taking down Ultron, I know I only have a weeks worth of medication left. I pick up the large bottle, dumping the oblong yellow capsules into my hand before triple checking the amount. 

"Alright, Bruce," I finally speak, biting at my lip to mumble the words. "I will come up on Monday, but the second I am in the way, I am leaving." 

"I will take it," He rumbles, the joy in his voice leaking over the line, "One more thing, Bubba," 

"What?" I question, wiping my eyes with my sleeve, attempting to remove the dried tears from my cheeks.

"You know that's the first time you have called me Bruce since you were seventeen." He points out, "I hated it." 

Bruce's blunt words cause me to full on belly laugh, easing the tension in my shoulders slightly. He chuckles lightly through the phone. 

"That's better." He simpers, "I'll see you on Monday, Bubba. I love you." 

"I love you, too, Bruiser." I bid him before hanging up the phone. 

When I pulled up to the compound on Monday morning, I was relieved to see that the grounds were quiet. A few odd agents roamed around outside but I felt rather invisible which gave me the courage to leave my car and head for the front doors. 

A blond agent sat at the desk when I walked in, typing away on a computer, the phone receiver held loosely between his cheek and shoulder. He didn't even make eye contact when I approached the desk which left me standing there sort of awkwardly, bouncing slightly on the balls of my feet. 

The agent stuck his hand out forcefully, eye contact still on his computer screen. 'ID' was all he said as he made a sort of grabby hand gesture with his outstretched hand. I riffled around in my bag before handing it over to him. He looked at it before handing me a 'Visitor Badge' in return point down the hallway to my right. I thanked him, but he didn't seem to notice. 

I head down the large hallway now, scanning each of the nameplates on the doors as I go. There were so many that they start to blur together and I have to shake my head to keep focus. 

"Bubba!" A voice calls from the hallway bisecting the one I am meandering down. I look up to see Bruce standing there, a wide smile on his face. His hands are piled high with files, a cup of tea balanced precariously atop them. His briefcase is slung over his shoulder. 

"Hey there, Bruiser," I rush over to him, taking his mug into my hand before pulling him into a hug with an arm draping over his neck. "It's really good to see you."

"It's good to see you too, kid. Come on, lets go to the clinic and we can get started." I follow him down the hallways, twisting and turning around corridors before we finally make it to an annex building. 

"Here we are, go ahead and put your stuff down. Did you bring your charts with you?" He inquires, setting his files down on the desk with a thud. He sits down into the desk chair, typing away at the computer. 

"Here is everything as of three weeks ago." I slide a file across the desk, taking a seat across from him. "No 'how are you' or anything, huh?" I ask, setting my bag down on the floor next to me. Bruce looks up at me, a dumb smile on his face. 

"I'm sorry Bubba. How are you?" He pushes his hair back out of his eyes carefully.

"Considering I drove all the way up here to see your ugly mug, I could be better." I wink at him. He rolls his eyes in return, flipping open my file. 

"This thing is hefty." He murmurs, more to himself than to me. I can feel a blush begin to bleed its way over my chest. I have been sick for a while and Bruce has always known, but the idea of him looking over all the intimate details of it all has me anxious. "Lets go over this, then I'll go ahead and examine you. After that, maybe draw some blood and all that good stuff. Are you okay if I get a couple of lab workers to run the tests?" 

"Sure, I suppose." I mutter, looking him over. It's been about a year since I last saw Bruce, but he really hasn't changed since his accident, or really much at all. His dark mop of curls still stuck out in all directions and his brown eyes still glowed. He wears a lab coat, and business attire underneath which still cracks me up if I think about it too long. I remember when he wore nothing but too-loose jeans and waffle shirts. 

We spend the next few hours going over records and my health. He asks me so many questions that my head spins. One thing about Bruce, he has always been thorough. He takes blood samples and looks over my medication. Through the whole ordeal he has made himself impossible to read which only adds to the stress crawling under my skin. 

"Well, thing's aren't great, but they aren't terrible either." Bruce takes off his glasses and rubs over the bridge of his nose carefully. The gesture does not inspire any sort of confidence. "Your whole digestive system is a mess. Your nervous system is shot. You never grew out of your asthma, I don't know why your quack of a doctor said you did. You've got a handful of mental health medication, which are at least working, and don't even get me started on your uterus." 

"Jesus Christ Bruiser, is there anything that isn't wrong with me?" I laugh, running my hands over my thighs. 

"I will get all of your medication ordered and sent to your place, okay?" He dodges my question, typing away at the computer in front of him. "While you are here, want to grab some lunch with me? We can hang out in the Avengers wing away from all of the suits." 

"That sounds wonderful." I nod, pulling myself to my feet. 

We spend the whole of lunch catching up and joking with each other. He tells me about his sort of 'thing' with Natasha and we go over my complete lack of love interests. We talk about the team and how he feels like he is finally doing okay with being a hero and that makes my heart swell with pride. We reminisce about being kids at the lake and about how we wish we could go back sometimes. 

"Banner, want to tell me why you special ordered a whole pharmacy on my credit card?" A silky voice breaks over our laughter, pulling us from the bubble of nostalgia we have been in for the last couple hours. 

Bruce's eyes lock over my shoulder and I turn to see none other than Tony Stark standing there, a tablet in hand. He is dressed in a breathtakingly expensive navy suit paired with a soft lavender dress shirt. A pair of purple tinted glasses sit on the bridge of his nose, the thick frames showcasing the arrent brown of his eyes. His lack of tie and open collar leaving a perfect view of the top of his chest. A beautiful redhead stands next to him, holding a few files in hand. 

"Oh, hey Tony. Hi Pepper," Is all Bruce manages to say, the presence of the Playboy and his assistant catching us both off guard. 

"Bruiser, you said there wasn't going to be anyone else here, let alone your boss," I ask, voice stern but wavering. I stand from the couch, trying to put some distance between the horrible anxious feeling in my chest and myself but only managing to move further from both men. 

"He's not actually my boss-" Bruce begins but his words are cut off with a chuckle coming from Tony. 

"I don't know which B-Word I like better, Boss or Bruiser." He laughs again, clapping his hands together. I manage a glare directed straight at Bruce. 

"Seriously Tony?" Bruce asks, pushing himself from the couch. He takes a deep breath, shaking his head as if to try and shake loose some sort of idea. "Bubba, this is Tony, Tony, this is Bubba." He gestures between us, introducing us. "And that is Pepper Pots, Tony's assistant."

"Ah yes, Y/F/N Y/L/N, born and raised in the Midwest, high school graduate, no college degree, but it looks like you've got some certifications and  licenses under your belt," Tony reads from the tablet in his hands, "And  you are apparently friends with our resident rage monster, Dr. Banner." 

I look at Bruce again, his head buried in his hands. I suddenly feel like a deer caught in the headlights, unsure of what to do in this situation. I have never had a stranger know quite so much about me. 

"Bubba, answer a question for me, would you?" Tony asks, turning on his heel. I check with Bruce who gives me one of those 'I don't have the slightest' looks, shrugging his shoulders. "Why do you call him Bruiser?" There is nothing but amusement in his voice. He hands his tablet to Pepper, looking between Bruce and I in anticipation. 

"Bubba," Bruce warns me. I can feel his eyes boring into the side of my face as I look at Tony. "Don't you dare." That just earns a laugh from Tony. I just shake my head, not bothering to answer. 

"Not a secret I am going to share with a stranger." I finally say, bouncing on my toes. Bruce lets out a breath he was holding. 

"Okay, okay, all in due time I suppose." Tony claps his hands, "What do you do, Bubba?" 

"I am a party planner." I lie. Was, I was a party planner. My stomach twists with nausea. 

"Not as of a week ago." Pepper says casually, clicking away at the tablet. She wears a bit of a scowl, looking like she wants to be anywhere but here. 

"What?" Bruce's voice cuts through the tension that has built around me, closing me in. "What does she mean by that, Bubba?" 

Bruce's voice has a special way of eating away at me, it has been that way since we were children. This isn't the first time he has caught me in a lie, but this is definitely the first time it wasn't a lie I told my parents. I can feel my stomach twist and it's not from the lack of medication in my system.

"I lost my job, but it's no big deal. I've sent out some resumes, I'll find something soon." I tell him, trying to play down the situation. I am slick with sweat now, anxiety thrumming under my skin. 

"Sooner than you might think," Pepper speaks, "We want to offer you a contract to plan the rest of our events for the year. You come highly recommended it seems." She continues typing away, not bothering to look up at me. Tony stands beside her, a million dollar smile adorning his face.

I can't believe what I am hearing, a job offer has just fallen into my lap and I can't seem to make my brain work long enough to process it. Maybe it's the constant nausea, or maybe it's the situation, but my stomach rolls over. 

"I'll send the contract for you to read over and you let me know by the end of the week what you think of it, okay?" Pepper turns and pulls Tony with her out of the room. I stand dumbstruck in front of Bruce, unsure of what to say. I bring my hands to my stomach, attempting to ground myself in the moment. I take a few deep breathes, the last couple minutes playing on rerun in m head.  

When I finally look at Bruce, he is smiling brightly at me. 

"What is it?" I ask, rubbing my hands together to try and ease some of my anxiety. 

"I'm just looking forward to seeing you more often, that's all." He sits back down on the couch, kicking his legs up onto the coffee table. Confident bastard. 

"You think I am taking this job?" I ask him, eyes wide. 

"I think you will when you find out all of the amenities that come with it." He says like its a matter of fact. I scoff. "You get full medical coverage, including prescriptions. Vacation time, sick time, all of the good stuff." 

I think about the information carefully, but there is doubt in my mind about taking the job- working for the Tony Stark means putting myself out there in a way I never have before. But then again, it's only until the end of the year, and I can tough out eight months if it means not having to worry about medical care. Being close to Bruce is also a plus. I've missed having him around.

"I'll think about it."

---

"I can't believe they expect me to move into the freaking compound." I announce to Bruce, my phone held between my ear and shoulder as I read the contract on my laptop. It has been three days since Pepper offered me job. The contract sat in my email collecting dust until this morning. 

"It's a good gig, Bubba," Bruce begins. I can hear him munching on something over the phone. "Plus, it would get you out of that shitty apartment. I hate that you live there, and truth be told, I don't think you like it." 

"Oh shut up, it's not so bad." I look around at my messy studio apartment, grimacing. 

"It's not so bad if you like being able to get stuff out of your refrigerator from your bed." 

"It makes for easy midnight snacking" I counter back, closing my laptop with a metallic click. I shift around on my bed, pulling my knees to my chest. "If I take this, and that's a big if, are we able to keep my medical shit under the rug? I'd prefer to not advertise it." 

"You bet, it's not anyone's business anyway." He soothes me. "I've got to get back to it, but seriously Bubba, just take the job and quit doubting yourself. I love you, kid." 

"I love you too, stupid." I hang up the phone. 

I look over my studio again, thinking about how nice it would be to live somewhere bigger than a shoebox. I open my laptop again, eyes dragging over the contract as I scroll. I click reply at the bottom. 

"Dear Miss Pots, I would officially like to accept your job offer..."

---

Bruce took Friday off to come and help me pack all of my belongings. It didn't take longer than half a day to pack, not that much had fit into my studio in the first place. It is Saturday now, the sun high up in the sky beating down on us as we unload the truck in front of the compound. 

I look down from the truck to see Bruce standing there, hands on his hips as he looks up at me, smile wide. 

"What is it, Bruiser?" I question him, cocking my eyebrow.

"I just can't believe we will be living in the same place again, we are going to be kids all over again," He is awed at the thought, "Hell, your quarters even share a wall with mine!"

"Somehow I believe it won't be just like it was growing up, unless I find you sneaking out of the window again to go make out with Sherry Fisher." I tease him, pulling another box from the small pile in the back of the truck. 

"Dude, you were eleven, how do you even remember her?" He takes the box from me with a chuckle. 

"I remember because I had to cover for your ass when your Mom called mine so see where you had been that morning! Do you seriously not remember any of this?" I question him. I begin to pull the last of the boxes towards the opening of the truck bed. 

"No I don't, keep going, what did you tell her?" He asks, pulling down two small boxes. 

"I told them that you had gone fishing on the other side of the lake, then I ran outside and hid your pole and tackle box down by the old tire swing!" I pull the last box off the truck bed, walking it over to the pile we've made by the side door of the compound. "Then, when you finally came home covered in Sherry's cherry lip gloss, I pushed you into the lake!" 

"Now that part I remember!" He exclaims, pointing at me with one hand. A playful smirk decorates his lips and I can't help but laugh at the memory of him falling into the murky water. "You ruined my favorite shoes when you threw me in there!" 

"But you still thanked me. Heaven hath no fury like Mrs. Banner." I laugh. Bruce shakes his head in agreement.

"You saved me from my mother's wrath and I will always be thankful for that." He picks up a couple of the boxes, placing them in a stack on the movers bed before tilting it back and pulling it through the door. I sling my duffle bag and backpack over my body before pulling a suitcase behind me as I follow Bruce into the compound. 

It didn't take long before all of the boxes were piled in my living room. Bruce had left to get us lunch, leaving me behind to begin the unpacking process. I have a large living room, a kitchenette, a huge bedroom, and one and a half bathrooms all to myself. I know I don't have enough stuff to fill all of the space, and I am thankful that it came mostly furnished. I left the old furniture at the studio, wanting to make a completely fresh start. 

I pull open one of the boxes, pulling out kitchen plates and mugs from the inside, but I don't get very far before there is a knock at the door. I swing it open carefully, making sure there aren't any boxes in the way. Tony stands on the other side clad in an Iron Maiden tee-shirt and a well fitting pair of dark wash jeans. He smiles that million dollar grin at me before stepping into my new quarters. 

"It's good to see you're settling in." He begins, gazing around at all of the boxes. "I have a file for you, its the outline for the gala we are throwing next month. I need you to start planning it right away." He explains, holding out a folder for me. "Pepper usually drops this kind of stuff off but she is... off site at the moment." 

"Ah, thank you, I'll get started right away." I tell him, hugging the folder to my chest. Without a warning, my watch on my wrist starts ringing, a shrill noise filling the room causing both Tony and I to jump. "Oh god, I'm sorry, this stupid thing keeps doing this." I hit the buttons, getting the alarm to stop. I ignore the "High Heartrate" alert that flashes across the screen before turning my attention back to Tony.

"Is everything alright?" He narrows his eyes at me, searching my face for any since of duress. 

"I'm all good, I promise. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to get some of this unpacking done and then I'll get started on this baby right here." I pat the folder. He doesn't say anything, just offers me a nod in return before heading out the door the way he came. I close the door behind him before heading to the couch, carefully laying myself on the floor and propping my legs up on the soft cushions. This should get my heart rate down, I hope, but only time will tell.

The next month goes by steadily, most of the team off on missions. The only people I really interact with are Bruce, Tony and Pepper. I did manage to meet Natasha once as she was passing though on her way to her next mission post. I spend most of the time planning out the charity gala that Tony is throwing. 

Roughly two hundred people are expected here tonight for a black tie party. The ballroom of the compound is decorated in deep navy and lavender, the same way that Tony was when I first met him. Something about the colors seemed to stick in my mind. Though they may be moody for late May, I opted for them anyway. 

Each table was set with rose gold flatware and bone China.  Eucalyptus and baby's breathe center pieces sit on each table. The place cards were all hand written and embossed with matching rose gold foil. String lights ran from the center point of the room out towards all of the walls creating a chandelier like effect. The small orchestra was set up in the corner, near the dance floor and across from the bar. Overall everything was absolutely breathtaking. 

"Hey, Bubba, this looks amazing," Bruce catches my attention as he walks into the ballroom. He spins around taking in all of the decorations, eyeing each detail before he focuses his attention back to me. 

"Thanks Bruiser, I think so too. I have really gotta impress you guys. I am meeting the team for the first time tonight and probably like a hundred other people and I'd like to think of this room as my very first impression. I just hope it goes well, and that Tony will like it." I ramble as I adjust one of the place cards on the table. 

"Everything looks fantastic and they are going to love you." Bruce pulls me into a hug, rubbing my back with his hand to ease the tension in my body. "Please tell me you have something to wear tonight." 

"Excuse me, this is literally my job. Did you really think I was going to show up in these ripped jeans and this flannel?" I jab, pinching at his sides. He pulls away, bending awkwardly to avoid my fingers. "Now, I have to go meet with the caterers so I will see you tonight." I wave him off before turning to head to the kitchen. 

It wasn't long before I got to get cleaned up and ready for the party. After a quick shower I stand in front of my closet mulling over my options. I could wear anything black tie, really. It's not like anyone is going to be focused on me at this thing. I shift the clothes around, pulling out a garment bag containing gray tuxedo. This will do. 

I pull the garment out of the bag carefully before dressing myself. The deep gray of the suit complementing the purple silk dress shirt I styled with it. I put in some earrings before tying my long gray tie. I leave my hair down and curly, letting it frame my face. The last step is a pair of dress shoes. I hate wearing heels to these things and absolutely avoid them whenever possible. 

By the time I head down stairs, Bruce is already standing in the ballroom talking to a couple of people. The party kicks off in about fifteen minutes and no part of me is surprised that he is early. My watch screams again, the 'High Heartrate' alarm sounding though out the room. I click the buttons quickly as I make my way deeper into the room. 

He lights up when he sees me, excusing himself from the group he was talking to before walking over to meet me. He pulls me into his side, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. 

"You look fantastic, Bubba," He smiles, "How are you feeling?" 

"Nervous, this kind of feels like a make or break moment, you know?" I tell him, letting my eyes gaze over the table settings. He keeps an arm wrapped around my body protectively as he leans down to whisper in my ear. 

"That's not exactly what I meant," His voice is stern, a ribbon of worry peaking through. His face is buried in my hair.

"Oh Bruiser, I am fine, don't worry. I took all my medication this morning, and I have the next two doses right here." I pat my chest signaling to the contents of my chest pocket. He smiles at me one of those bright smiles that lights up your whole chest with warm and I savor the feeling as it spreads throughout my chest. He gives me an encouraging pat on the back.

The rest of the night goes off without a hitch. Tony loves the whole ambiance of the party, and Pepper hangs off his arm in the most lovely way. It warms my heart to see them together in such a way, but it leaves a dark green part of my soul crying with envy. The whole night I have managed to meet all of Bruce's team- his friends. They welcome me with open arms, especially Natasha. I can't help but feel a bit bad about that fact, tearing her attention away from Bruce when I know he is the one biding for it. 

As the night begins to slow, the open windows bring cool night air into the party. I am sat at the bar, one drink in my hand, the same one that I have been nursing for the past three hours. I'm not supposed to drink, not on these meds, but it's definitely time to celebrate.

"How long have you been sitting here all alone?" I catch a glimpse of Natasha in the mirror behind the bar. She wears a light smirk covered in dark red lipstick. The dress she's in hugs her figure nicely, stretching with her movements. There is no bling or sparkle to the piece, the dark blush color speaking volumes all by itself. 

"Oh, not too long," I tell her as she slides up into the seat next to me. I run a finger over the rim of my glass, over and over again. She carries a martini in her hand, the lime green color makes me a bit nauseous, but I try not to let the feeling show. 

"So," She begins, placing her neatly folded hands on her knee, "How long have you and Bruce been seeing each other?" My eyes go wide at her question, my hands coming to a stop. 

"I beg your pardon?" I take a long sip of my drink, the immediate need to wet my throat almost overwhelming. I can feel my heartbeat quicken in my chest, bruising the inside of my ribcage with each insistent thump. 

"Oh, you don't have to be embarrassed. You can tell me! Bruce is practically my best friend. I can respect the fact that he wants to keep your relationship a secret. After all, in this line of work, it's easier to appear alone. You're less of a target that way," She brings her drink up to her lips, sipping slowly at the toxic colored liquid. She eyes me carefully, I can almost feel each and every pass of her eyes over the expanses of my skin. 

I am sure my whole body is drenched in sweat now, being on the opposite side of a deadly women with looks that could kill really does that to a person, but I do my best to compose what little of myself I can before offering her a smile. 

"I'm not sure what Bruiser has told you, but we are just long time friends. He's also technically my doctor. And also my roommate? Is that what we'd all be called, since we live here together?" I shake my head, trying to shake my thoughts back into place, "Bruiser and I are a lot of things, but together isn't one of them," I tell her. 

"That's really a shame," She mutter a bit, but there is something behind her voice that I can't quite read, "I see how you two look at each other, and he talks about you like you hung every star in the galaxy. The way his eyes sparkle when your name is even mentioned," She laughs a bit to herself, "I just thought there was something there," 

"The something is probably all of the residual anger from all those times I had to push him into the lake as kids," I laugh a bit, but Nat just looks at me inquisitively. 

Before I can say anything else, my heart monitor on my watch begins to ring, loud and obnoxious. I push the sleeve of my tux up, fumbling with it for a moment before accessing the buttons to turn it off. Natasha's eyes dart down to it quickly, before she excuses herself and disappears back into the crowd.

Before I can even begin to process the conversation I just had with Natasha, I can hear Bruce's voice excusing himself through the crowd with a chorus of "Oops" and "I'm Sorry". I catch him in the mirror, concern written all over his face. The look he sends me makes my heart beat faster, setting off the monitor again. I am quicker to shut it off this time, but Bruce grabs my wrist and pulls me off of my seat. 

"Come on, I'm calling it." He tells me, an air of concern in his voice. I can tell he is trying to stuff it down, to bury it under some sort of tone that booms with authority. He laces his fingers with mine and the heat that pours off his palm is stifling. He drags me through the crowd and into the elevator. After he asks for the floor with the nearest lab and the elevator begins its decent he turns to me, eyes full to the brim with worry. 

"How much have you had to drink?" He questions me, fingers still laced with mine. It's like he's holding me there, like if he takes his hand away I might disappear into thin air. 

"Technically less than one. You didn't let me finish my vodka lemonade," I tell him, crossing one arm over my chest in faux offense. 

"Don't do that, Bubba," He scolds, rolling his eyes at me. I want to fight him, to tease him, to push his buttons just like I have done most of our lives but something stops me. Maybe its the look in his eyes, or the way that his face is written with concern, his brain working a thousand miles a minute at some new unknown problem. Maybe it is the conversation Natasha and I had, hanging every star in the night sky and all that. Whatever it is, I keep my mouth shut, eyes boring into Bruce's profile as he guides me out of the elevator. 

The next few minutes blur by as I undress from the waist up down to my bar. Bruce is insistent on running an EKG, even though we did one a couple of months ago. I can feel how my skin blushes under his eyes, no doubt turning into a raspberry kissed sort of red. It doesn't help when his fingertips skim over my body, his gentle touches leaving a fire of energy in their wake. 

I can tell he is flustered with the way he gingerly moves the band of my bra, avoiding all eye contact with me while he presses the lead to my skin. I want to tell him how unnecessary this all is, but the words are caught somewhere between my head and my tongue. I can't help but dwell on each press of his fingertips, the gentle way he touches me and how my heart seems to flutter. 

Bruce begins to run the test, asking me to sit still and be quiet. I let my mind drift back to Natasha's words, and I can feel my heart spike the machine. Bruce runs a hand through his hair as he watches the results, squinting at the spike that has been recorded. 

"I need to talk to you about something," I inform him, sitting up. 

"After the test, lay back down," He places a hand on my shoulder, his fingers spread out enveloping as much flesh as he can reach. He still doesn't quite meet my eyes. 

"No Bruiser, now," I tell him, a hand folding around the thickness of his wrist. I begin pulling off a couple of the leads with my other hand, causing Bruce to mumble something under his breath. "I need to ask you something, and it's kind of important," I chance a look at his face and it is scribbled with an expression that I have come to try to avoid; curious worry. 

"What is it, Bubba?" He asks, pulling a stool over to sit in. He is looking up at me now, his hands folded in his lap. I hesitate for a moment, trying to collect my words. He takes my hands in his, holding them on my lap. The combination of his touch and his Earth ladened eyes put me at an even greater loss for words, so I spit out the first thing that comes to mind. 

"Natasha said something to me tonight, and I need to know if it's true," I squeeze my eyes shut, almost too hard. I don't dare witness the look on his face as I continue. He hums for me to continue, squeezing my hands reassuringly. "She asked me tonight if we were a couple, and I told her no, because we aren't, and then she said that you speak of me in a way that lead her to believe otherwise and I guess I've just gotta know if that's accurate," The words spill out of me so fast I don't even have time to choose them, so they are born into the world from my tongue in a mess of syllables and rushed breaths. 

When I finally crack an eye open, Bruce is staring up at me with a half cocked smile, a light chuckle falling from his lips. I shoot him a look, one of those 'are you serious' ones where my nose is scrunched up, head tilted to the side. 

"So, they got to you too, huh?" He asks with a laugh. He lets go of one of my hands, bringing his up to rub at his brow. He takes both of my hands in his other, like he is once again afraid to let me go. "Tony cornered me and started asking me if you and I were seeing each other. I figured it was because he planned on hitting on you or something, because you know how he is. But what he said is starting to make some sense," 

"What the hell did he say to you?" I shake his arm a bit, the action causing a smile to bloom over his lips. 

"After I told him that you and I were not, you know, an item, he laughed and said, "This is the first time I've lost a bet. Guess I'll have to call off the demolition crew,"" Bruce punctuates his sentence with air quotes and I can't help but laugh. The atmosphere shifts when we catch each others gaze mid laugh.  Everything going from light and playful to soaked in a new sense of intimacy. I cough a bit to cover it up. "I guess that's the narrative," He lets out a last little chuckle. 

"Bruiser," I start, shying away from his eyes again, "Are you sure there isn't anything else here that I'm missing?" He locks eyes with mine before looking anywhere else but I swear I can feel the heat crawling off his hand and up my arms. 

"You know, Bubba, this isn't exactly how I imagined this conversation going," He shrugs a bit, hand scratching at the light stubble on his cheeks. 

"This conversation?" I question him, leaning a bit closer. He slides up between my knees, eyes still locked on his shoes. 

Bruce brings his eyes up to meet mine and there is something in them I have never seen before. A youthful innocence that is just burning bright in his irises. 

"You know, Bubba, it's you, it's always been you," He begins, eyes boring into mine, "Since you were nineteen it's been you. You're it for me," His words are dripping with candor and honey. "That's why every single woman I date always ends up being a sort of something. The only sure thing in my world is you." He drops his eyes and in that split second I can't help but snag a glance down at his lips. 

My world was cracking open around me. Bruiser, Bruce, the man that I have know for all the years that it counts to actually know somebody is spilling his heart out to me and I can't help but feel like he is stealing the words right out of my mouth- my heart. 

I pull my hands from his before leaning forward and grabbing onto the thick material of his lapels and pulling his body closer to mine. I stop pulling, our lips millimeters apart, giving him one final moment to back out and into the life we have been living up until we entered this room- but he doesn't. He stands, cupping my face in his hands before leaning down and capturing my lips with his. 

He tastes like sour whiskey and cherries, a deadly mixture that causes me to pull him endlessly closer. Our bodies pressed together, he makes a move to pull me up from the exam table, his hands wrapping themselves in the tendrils of my hair. I could kiss him for hours and I don't know how we have ever stood in a room together before and not been kissing like this. Years of time wasted all because there wasn't a billionaire scientist and a deadly assassin to mettle into our personal lives sooner. 

I push him back a bit, a small whimper leaving his lips as we part. I can't help the big, cheesy smile that breaks over my lips before I speak, "As my doctor, isn't this a sort of abuse of power, or something?" I ask him, flirtation laced in my voice. I run a hand over his tie then up to his cheek. 

He breaks out into a smile too, "It's a good thing my co-worker Helen Cho is a hell of a doctor," He shoots back at me before leaning in and snagging another blistering his from my lips. 

"But she's not a medical doctor," I mumble against his kisses, my smile to wide to kiss him back properly. 

"Oh shut up, Bubba," He whispers before pulls away. "Get dressed, we have a party to get back to, and I want to dance with you," 

"You know I would have danced with you, anyway, Bruiser," He watches me get dressed, a small dopey smile on his face. 

"It's not about the dance," he hums, "It's about the kiss that ends it."

[ofsappho]

TW: mental health stuff, abuse, rape, suicide attempts, self harm

A little something personal:

On this day last year, the amazing therapist in my intensive outpatient therapy program told me that they would be declining to renew my borderline personality disorder diagnosis.

In shorter hand, that means that one year ago, I officially recovered from BPD.

I have been in therapy since I was 16, I’m 22 now. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when I was 17. I’ve been on countless medications.

My intensive outpatient therapy program was 3 months of intensive therapy. I was doing 10 hours of therapy a week, in addition to working 40 hours a week and going to 3 college classes that semester.

2021 was one of the worser years of my life. (In order) I attempted suicide and was hospitalized, I was raped, I was broken up with by a long term partner (not my rapist + who I lived with at the time) and had to move across the country, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder, I was dealing with pretty severe flare ups of my physical disability and had to get *regular steroid injections into my spine, I dropped out of college for the second time because of the move, I fell back into my self harm addiction.

Now, let’s move to 2022-2023.

There were all sorts of odds against me, but somehow, I crawled my way into creating a more stable, healthy life where I life now, into new friendships, a new university, a new job, I enrolled myself in that intensive outpatient program and I advocated for my mental and physical health to a variety of doctors who were intent on telling me I wasn’t disabled because sometimes I can walk, and to the insurance company convinced that I could go without the immunosuppressants my doctor prescribed and refused to cover them.

Recovery from BPD is possible. It’s hard work, some of the hardest work I’ve done, and recovery won’t ever stop. The borderline wiring in my head and the damage done to my personality cannot ever be undone. But through therapy, I have been able to overcome many of symptoms and drop below meeting 5 of the diagnostic criteria for BPD. At one point in my life, I met all 9. I will always wrestle with all the negative internal shit and some day, I might even slip back into BPD. But I will always do my best to fight my way back. Recovery from BPD is very much like recovering from addiction; you can stop engaging in that specific addiction, but you never lose the addictive pathways in your brain.

I am IMMENSELY proud of myself and all the work I’ve done.

I want to thank Dialectical Behavior Therapy and Dr. Marsha Linnehan (who created it). DBT saved my life and continues to save my life. I have done it consistently since I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and not only has it helped me recover from BPD, it also helps me manage and function with my autism. I use DBT skills everyday and I am so grateful that DBT helps me be someone who is a positive influence in other people’s lives, that DBT has taught me self awareness, emotion regulation, cognitive empathy, and accountability. I wouldn’t have the close relationships I have today (that have also saved my life) without the skills DBT has helped me grow.

I also want to thank all of my friends who’ve stuck with me, helped me, taken me in, and given me something to live for. It was friends who helped me move away from the city where I’d been raped in and broken up in. It was friends who helped me find apartments, who said I could come over when I was feeling suicidal, who have supported me through getting my autoimmune disorder diagnosis and fighting my insurance company for immunosuppressants. I love you all very, very, very much.

I hope to see y’all here in 2024 🥹🫡🌹

[vesperstardust]

I think my life is done falling apart/together for now

I don't even know how to transcribe the chaos that has been happening in my life the last...forever...but specifically the last 6 months and especially the last couple of months

2020 and 2021 were the best years of my life, maybe that tells you something. They were the years I felt most secure and became most aligned with myself. I've always been a survivor who thrives in liminal spaces.

Falling apart and falling together look remarkably similar. If you take away anything from this post, remember that.

I want to move forward and stay still and let myself be happy and do the things I've been wanting to do but I also want to remember every twist and turn that brought me here. Because I'm grateful how it all worked out.

Wish I could do a cut under a cut Here is the story, I suppose, of what happened.

There is even more I can't write, but the present trials feel like they truly began when I lost my hair from alopecia during 2022.

I've struggled with alopecia areata, one of several chronic illnesses, but that was the first time I became bald. My long auburn red hair I saw as part of my identity, gone. Who am I? I had to find out quickly who I really was and find strength to keep going that I never knew. Cutting or shaving hair as humiliation against one's will, to break one's spirit, I understood why. I didn't recognise myself. During this same time I also had a traumatic experience with people I thought were my friends that was directly related to my experiences with alopecia.

It took months and along with a newly-approved-by-the-fda medication for alopecia and continued scalp injections, it's growing back fairly well. But just as this was happening, we became financially unstable when my partners gig job dried up and he began experiencing a severe health condition at the same time.

Things were stressful and challenging at this point but manageable. Then we lost our food money. At points we were half-starved (I say this without exaggeration - support your local food bank it will save someone's life). The morale blow/raise of losing/gaining treats is not to be underestimated. And people who have never been food insecure don't realise how little other things matter when you can't eat. You can barely think to do other things. I was food insecure growing up so at least that was something I knew how to deal with. But it's still a terrible thing to be hungry.

After going through the winding maze insurance companies so often require even for life-changing prescriptions, my partner finally received the medication he needed to recover his health to a manageable state.

But eventually we faced eviction from our apartment with one week's notice after attempted financial aid fell through. It's traumatic and frightening and sorrowful to have to leave the place you call home under circumstances beyond your control. My partner was interviewed and hired for a perfect job after no luck for months within DAYS of the eviction, ensuring that no matter what happened, we'd finally have food and other resources.

But we still only had a week to find somewhere to move.

One day, management (who had a history of being unreachable, including during the time we tried to seek financial aid and work with them) showed up and tried force their way in (the door chain stopped them) and then proceeded to lie and tell us we had to be gone that day even though legally we did not until 24hrs after the notice had been placed on the door, which it had not yet. That was scary though. And they had sent their newest person, and it's possible she didn't even know it was a lie. But we had the paperwork and emails to prove it. I remember physically trembling, the paper shaking in my hand as we tried to explain. Another time pest control tried to force their way in. I'm sure management sent them too, as the email had only said you could sign up for a visit if you were having issues, which we were not and never signed up for. At an apartment complex, a door chain is such an extra sense of security that prevents people from unlocking your door and just walking in whenever they please, as was proved to me many times.

So we had a week to find somewhere to live. Friends (true friends) helped us more than we can ever repay, in ways that money alone could never repay. We got everything into a storage unit in record time. Our Winter Solstice was spent moving the largest pieces of furniture. Darkest night made bright with their help.

Some places wouldn't even give us a tour because of the eviction now on record. Most things I read during this time about renting with an eviction seemed so bleak. We found one apartment we thought was perfect and applied. They denied our application - but mysteriously accepted it a few days later without us even appealing. Was it because of all the construction at this complex and they were desperate? Did my partner's words somehow sway them? I don't know but I was considering the lilies of the field very, very hard at that point

So we had a place to move to on the 2nd of Jan but in the mean time we had to wait it out at our other apartment, unknowing when we would finally have to leave. A couple weeks sleeping on an air mattress in a near-empty apartment. Merry Christmas. We still had our tiny tree. Happy New Year. Our New Year's Day meal was a single heat and serve bag of basmati which we split, a tin of sardines and some corn. It felt like a small feast. Looking back, all symbols of prosperity and abundance.

On the day we were to move in, my partner's workplace somehow messed up (holidays at least partially to blame) and he still hadn't received his paycheck though he tried everything he could. So we had to scramble to borrow the deposit money from my mom. It's a long walk up to our new apartment at the moment because of all the renovations going on putting out the elevator. And when we got there, we realised they had given us the wrong set of keys so we were stuck outside in the hallway outside the door for 45min with the birds and our small carry items because she'd said she'd bring the correct sets of keys up, meanwhile I also had to go to the bathroom intensely. We'd laughed a lot through all of this when we weren't near-consumed with stress and fear of what would happen next, but it was nice to have a moment that was just purely funny.

The paycheck drama continued for another week so we had to work around that as well. But we had somewhere to live. Somewhere safe.

By the time it was my birthday about a week later. I slipped on the carpet running to say bye to my partner. It could have been worse but I scraped up my knee and hurt my leg. My knee/leg still hurt :') That same day our car also had trouble and stalled while my partner was on the way to work, so our plans to finally go out were dashed BUT he ordered Indian for us so we had a great meal nonetheless.

I love this new apartment. The layout is interesting and unique, one of the reasons we were drawn to it. The closet shelving is threatening to collapse but that can be fixed. Lack of bathroom counter space and large mirror is the only real downgrade from the other place but I can honestly say everything else here is equal to or better. Most important, you can see the moon from the window, and the best view of the sky.

The construction here is intense at the moment but inside the apartment itself is a haven, despite the chaos outside. I don't mind it because, after all, it likely played a part in how we were able to live here.

It sounds so small somehow when I write it all down. But it's not comparable to be on the other side of an ordeal where you can see how it all played out all at once and what you dodged and how you survived. When you're in it you have to get to the next day. Sometimes the next hour. I felt real fear during this time, an emotion I wasn't very familiar with. Throughout my life I've been through what some people might call "a lot", since early on. I've had people tell me I'm the strongest person they know. I've learned to handle many fears of many things. But this was an unfamiliar unraveling. And once I realised what it was, I was able to deal with it better. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. Frank Herbert was right.

My last time at the other apartment was happy, peaceful and filled with relief. It was a nice place for the time we lived, but everything good came with us. There were things I loved about it, but there were also things I won't miss and am glad to get away from (like living by the highway).

Thanks for reading this post if you made it all the way through. I wasn't sure how much to tell strangers on the internet but - we're friends here :)))

Adapt. Survive. Survive. Thrive.

Outside our window currently looks like the blitz. But only in the best way possible. Because the chaos doesn't bring any grief or fear - just a way out.

[lowbeyonder]

It has once again been a while

It has been an interesting couple of months. A lot of it, unfortunately, has been either waiting for things to happen that still have not happened, or merely exhausting. Which is why I haven't been writing much long-form stuff, mostly just selfies and occasional shitposting.

But first, I went to a side-part. Here's a very dramatic selfie.

the bad shit

This morning some stress boiled over. The immediate trigger was having to pay for another year of the storage locker we've had most of our stuff in for the last five years, which always depresses me, because we had a whole plan: keep it in storage for a year or two while we look for a house, buy the house, move into the house. Well that hasn't worked very well. Partially because the property market is a nightmare here, partially because of an accumulation of other things.

So the current plan is actually: apply for Irish citizenship (working on it), get through bottom surgery (still waiting for a date, expecting early next year) and possibly FFS (a whole thing, see below), get EU passports, then re-examine the whole house/job situation with a much broader range of options on where we can end up living & working.

This is, I think, a good, rational plan. But I still miss my books😢.

The additional stressor is related to FFS. I know our benefits team is trying to get it covered by our private health insurance provider, I don't know what the outcome is yet, I'll find out around September 1st, and I'm climbing the walls over it.

the good shit

BUT it is not all bad times! There are good things happening too! It's time to get my mid-life crisis on!

I'll unpack that a little.

A thing I've been struggling with, especially the past year, is… not even so much the feeling of missing out on things I wanted to do, but of missing out on things I didn't even know I wanted to do. So take your classic "oh god I'm getting OLD I must reclaim my youth" crisis, stir in "also I barely even HAD a youth, I was just straight-up disassociating from puberty onwards", and also a dash of "btw welcome to second puberty" from my endocrine system.

So that's been fun. And Meg & I have been talking, very tentatively, for a while about opening up our marriage to some degree, because to be very honest, they also have some needs I am not very good at meeting, though I do try. But there's a lot of anxiety involved.

Then back in June we met up with some friends I knew from a (small, local) trans Discord at a queer dance party, and one of them basically imprinted on Meg. The two of them have been chatting back and forth (with my enthusiastic encouragement) ever since, being extremely adorable, and last week she came up to stay with us for a couple nights and good times were had by all.

So… that's going super well! And making a connection like that has eased a lot of Meg's anxieties around the idea.

And we do have more queer dance parties coming up in the next few weeks…

[rjalker]

February 12th 2023: don't donate until this part is removed! someone stole my fucking wallet.

I'm making this my pinned post because I am tired of suffering.

Here's the link to my actual About post. Read it if you're going to follow me, it has my DNI as well as tags I use for things so you can blacklist them if you want/need to.

====

Hi I'm fucking too disabled to work but have to get a fucking lawyer to get fucking disability SSI from the stupid fucking government because it's literally designed to make people give up before they get their gods damned money.

I literally don't even eat even a single meal each day.

I'm also trans and would like to fucking medically transition someday but at this point I've just fucking give up that hope because I will literally never be able to afford it unless capitalism gets smashed tomorrow. in which case none of this matters, but that's not going to happen because that's not how revolution works so fucking anyways

also we're out of ibuprophen and I have fucking menstrual cramps right and yeah I should probably get fucking tested for endomitroiosis or whatever the fuck it's called but you know what else I don't have? Health insurance. Because I'm too disabled to work, and even if I could work literlaly no one will give me a full time job that wouldn't literaly just end up killing me.

====

Here's the gofundme link.

My paypal, venmo, and cashapp are all "Rjalker".

Here's the link to my redbubble store if you'd rather buy something.

You can also tip me through tumblr.

====

I have the Redbubble prices set so that when you buy a product I actually get a decent cut instead of $2 max. If you buy a pin, for example, I get $9.

My paypal icon is the same flower design as my tumblr icon. I don't think cashapp and venmo have icons but if they do I'll make sure they're the same too.

Check out and request more pronoun pins on my sideblog @custom-pronoun-pins

This post is being made November 30th 2022 but unless they suddenly invent No Longer Disabled pills it's just not going to have a fucking "this is no longer relevant" date because this shit isn't going to get better.

Here's what your money will be going towards if you donate:

rent, $500 a month for my half

phone bill, $35 a month

water bill, around $35 a month

internet bill , $45 a month

cat food, cat litter, and vet visits

groceries

clothes

fixing the washer or just buying a new one

fixing the dryer or just buying a new one

all the fantasy and scifi books I'm going to write that I will literally be giving away for free because if it's not clear enough yet I fucking hate capitalism. You will be able to download the books for free endlessly and the only time you'll have to pay money is for the cost of the materials to make the physical book.

we literally have not had a functional washer or dryer for the last like five fucking years in a row. All our clothes have to be washed in the fucking tub and then hung up in front of a fan to dry, or put in the fucking pop-up air dryer we found that takes for fucking ever and can't hold more than a few things before it stops working almost entirely.

I'm making this my pinned post because I'm tired of suffering. I'll fucking put the other one back when capitalism ends or I get the fucking disability SSI I literally would have been getting from birth except for the fucking idiot in the government who decided to fucking remove us from the fucking disability list when we turned eighteen when they took us off the fucking survivor's benefits of our fucking dad dying.

No I am not fucking joking. My twin and I were literally born four months early. We were literally guaranteed disability SSI from the moment we were born because of all the shit that went wrong and the fact that both of us were blatantly fucking autistic and had dyslexia and all this other shit.

And some fucking government worker fucked up when we turned eighteen and not only took us off the fucking survivor's benefits SSI, which overrode the disability SSI, but also fucking took us off the list for the disabled SSI.

Literally assigned abled at eighteen.

And I still haven't even fucking been diagnosed with anything for my physical disability because again! No health insurance! Because I can't work! Because I'm disabled! And since I can't work I can't get my disability diagnosed! Which means I can't get accommodations! It's literally a fucking endless cycle that will only stop if I or capitalism die!!!

======

Update 12/11/22: The water bill for November has been paid! Thank you!

[radrush]

i have fridays off now and I'm going to be dog sitting for my mom's neighbors and I need to take the opportunity to finally find a new doctor since I'm paying for insurance through my job and want to actually use it. I don't think I've had a full physical since before my last year of college which would have been 2021 and that was with my pediatrician that I've had forever and I don't need to keep going to a pediatric practice as a 24 year old. like I've been to urgent care for a few things since then and I get STD tested quarterly to be on PrEP and try to exercise regularly so I figure I'm mostly good health wise. but I do want to also see an allergist and a dermatologist about shit that has been going on with my skin the past few years that seems like it might be related to allergies. and I just feel like I should find a new PCP and get a regular check up before I start trying to see specialists

[batmanschmatman]

Hello!! 1, 4, 10, 18, and 22 for the End of the Year ask game please 😊

ONE Song of the Year: My Spotify Wrapped claims for me it was the Placebo cover of Running Up That Hill, which is admittedly on almost every single one of my playlists, but I think it was actually Meet Me in the Woods by Lord Huron, because I listened to it a billion times while writing my NaNo project.

FOUR Movie of the Year: The Boy and the Heron, both because it was great and also it was the only good theater experience I had all year that wasn't a rerelease like Titanic and The Lion King lol, people at our home theater are very poorly behaved. ;;

TEN Something that Made You Cry This Year: LOL WELL I lost my job a couple weeks ago and that has been some VERY MIXED EMOTIONS including a lot of hysterical crying. It was an extremely toxic work place I was trying to get out of anyway (museum board full of old white men who hated me, boss is/was an alcoholic mean girl - no exaggeration, has driven home drunk from work lunches with her kid in the car and been blackout throwing up in her office after work events - who had a toady work bff who also hated me, no health insurance, making $26/hr despite having an MA and living somewhere where rents start at $2,000 a month) but my boss basically reamed me out right before Thanksgiving telling me I was the worst person ever, had a bunch of provably false claims about how bad an employee I was (never meeting deadlines, making other people do my work for me, never attending events or suggesting ideas for programs, all bullshit I had ample evidence to refute) and told me I could either quit now and be paid through February or be on like mega probation indefinitely, so I came back from the holiday like alright I quit, they're like cool actually this is a budgetary thing and not at all personal, we're SO SORRY this didn't work out also we can only afford to pay you through mid January, so now I'm unemployed applying to a million jobs and scared about money but also I'm free??? So there's been a lot of on and off weeping/grieving and it's kinda ruined the holidays for me lol. But also hopefully it'll pivot to a much better paying and stable job somewhere closer to home, so fingers crossed.

Don't get into the museum field, folks, it sucks here.

EIGHTEEN A Memorable Meal This Year: For Valentine's Day, @heystovepipeboys and I made a bunch of recipes from Last Dinner on the Titanic, which was SUPER FUN. I love historic cooking/baking and have had the cookbook forever, but had never made anything from it before and everything was INCREDIBLE. We made cream of barley soup, chicken Lyonnaise, chateau potatoes and asparagus, and then got eclairs from a bakery near us and the Harney & Sons Titanic tea blend, which is supposed to be similar to the special blend they served on the ship. We listened to period music the whole time we cooked and then we went to see Titanic in theaters for its anniversary rerelease.

TWENTY TWO Favorite Place You Visited This Year: hmmm very tough call. My parents very generously took the fam on a Disney cruise to Alaska this summer which was a childhood dream of mine, and wifey and I had an awesome trip to Old Sturbridge Village in MA for their Halloween event, which was probably the best Halloween themed thing I've ever done. They set up the museum with a bunch of themed performances by a bunch of traveling circus performers who are Definitely Not Vampires and everything was really spooky and fun. Would super recommend if anyone is looking for fun Halloween things to do in New England next year.

Thank you for the ask!! Hope you are enjoying a relaxing end to this weird year.

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for calling my best friend a bitch before she died? (tw for suicide and brief mentions of abuse)

I know the title sounds really bad, and it probably is. I(24, genderfluid) had a volatile upbringing. God-awful mother, abusive boyfriend, homelessness, the whole shebang. I was bullied relentlessly in high school, so I dropped out in my sophomore year.

When I was around 19, I found somewhere that was hiring. It required no high school diploma, it paid really well, and it was kinda dangerous (I was suicidal at the time). I took the job and joined a crew of five others. My life immediately got so much better. They all loved me, and I love them.

When I joined, I met J(24 at the time, F). We immediately became best friends. I told her everything, and she told me everything. A little while later, I became the godparent of her and her husband's son.

Now, our job isn't exactly safe, or all that standard. We essentially go into haunted places and find out things about the ghost to give to an extermination crew who comes in after us. It's super risky, but it has great insurance. The insurance covers all medical expenses, including dental and mental health. That's probably because we get hurt on the job so often.

Anyways, here's where I'm probably TA. On the night she was killed, we were dealing with a particularly nasty ghost. It wouldn't stop hunting us and throwing stuff. Now, sometimes on a job, we find these things called cursed objects. Essentially they're objects tied to the ghost. On this particular job, we found something called the monkey's paw (yes, the one where you make a wish and it grants it for a price).

So, during a hunt, me and J were hiding near each other. We were all out of repellants and the ghost was getting closer to us. I saw J grab for the monkey's paw. For a little context, me and J had this pact, where we stuck out hunts together. This originated shortly after I just joined and I was super scared. It became custom to wait it out together.

She got a hold of it and she said "I wish to escape". Now, for that wish, usually it blinds you and opens the door for a few seconds so you can get out of the house during a hunt (because it locks in hunts). I really regret what I did next. I screamed at her "YOU BITCH", because I thought she was leaving me to die. The ghost was about to get us.

Instead of going out herself, she pushed me out of the door. It locked behind me, and no matter how hard I tried to shove it open to get her, it wouldn't budge. I'm crying at this point, and screaming through the door apologies. I hear her scream, then just a bunch of gurgling. I start panicking, I start screaming for somebody to call 911. Eventually, it goes quiet, and the door unlocks. She was pronounced dead as soon as the paramedics got to her.

I just hope she heard me through the door. I don't want her last words from me to be calling her a bitch. I am absolutely devastated. It's been two weeks since then, and I still can't sleep or eat anything. The funeral is tomorrow, and I'm sitting on the bathroom floor, crying as I type this. It's a closed casket. I'm probably a horrible person for this. I just want to confirm it.

(ooc: if anyone guessed these were phasmophobia ocs, congratulations, you'd be right!)