#so im a control freak about things like this and dont want important things like insurance to be anyones responsibility except my own

[yeahyouresocool]

they should invent a parent that you can trust and rely on

[sporesgalaxy]

I know this is something u were probably asked before but as the guy that has a good relationship with art....how do you do that??? I mean I get that this question is vague but how do you not care if it looks bad? Do you just?? Keep on going till it looks like you want it to look? Despite the agonies? You seem like you enjoy talking abt this thats why im asking, dont feel the need to answer if u dont wanna

hmmmm. You know, I don't think about the agonies much these days. But it's not that I don't care. I guess I've become a freak who sees beauty in the agonies, sorta? It's kind of complicated! I will do my best to explain!

First of all, I know that I have the unfair advantage of having no ambition. I don't have a goal for my art besides making art when I feel like it. That makes it easy to be less judgemental-- I remember having a rockier relationship to my own art during the time when I thought I would make it my career.

This is why I like talking about my perspective, though!! I think it's important to try not to let yourself be consumed by self-criticism as an artist, even if self-criticism is necessary for you, and hopefully my carefree way of looking at things can help balance things out haha.

Anyways, ambition or not-- and I know how this sounds but bear with me-- art doesn't ever look bad.

(Barring ethically harmful art, ugh, I don't want to get into ethics so just-- surely you know what I mean!!!)

Art gets a lot less stressful if you can tell yourself that no art is bad, and remember the reasoning behind that until you really believe it. It isn't a fast process, but it's very worth the work.

The truth is that art either looks how you want it to look, or it looks different from the way you want it to look, but both are ultimately neutral. You CAN make art that looks different from what you wanted, that you still feel pleased with.

When art looks different from how you wanted, the gut reaction you have is often to call it bad or get frustrated. And of course it's frustrating! Maybe you feel it's not as effective at communicating something as you'd hoped, or you feel it's not as visually impactful as you imagined...but it's important to remember those things are only your perception. Not an objective fact. And art is a two-way street! A communication between creator and observer! And communication is really weird and complicated.

•••

Other people's perception of your work won't ever be exactly the same as yours. Sometimes this is desireable and sometimes it isn't! Maybe your art will communicate the thing better to someone than anything they've ever seen-- even if a more effective version could theoretically exist, the "imperfect" version that actually exists and communicates is all that matters to the observer. Or, maybe a feature that turned out exactly how you wanted it to will fly completely over an observer's head, and not have the effect you wanted at all. A lot of the time, you'll never even know.

An artist can NEVER fully control an observer's perspective, so at a certain point you have to live with what you have. You already do this, to some degree, if you have ever EVER decided to stop working on a piece of art and share it. You can always keep adding to something. You can always keep editing. But sometimes, you stop. And perfection doesn't exist, so when you stop it must be because the art is good enough for now. And nothing about "good enough" is objective!

And is that really so bad? Surely people who grow fruit understand that a fruit which is smaller than they imagined can still feed somebody-- that at the very least it will feed bugs and microorganisms and be useful as fertilizer to grow more apples. Your art still means something, still accomplishes something, is still worth making whether it turns out how you imagined or not.

A lot of art is learning when to quit and move on. As a habitual perfectionist, this was something I had to learn early, to stop myself from erasing holes into every piece of paper I drew on.

There's this rule I was taught in middle school drama class: if you fuck up, act like you didn't fuck up. The audience doesn't have your script memorized, so odds are they won't have any idea you fucked up unless you tell them. Other art works the same way. No one knows what you wanted to make but you. And more importantly, a "perfect" version of your art doesn't exist (no "perfect" version of anyone's art exists, or ever will).

The version you made exists, so you have to find what's worth loving about that version. You have found what's worth loving in the imperfect art of others many times. Many observers will treat your art the same way you treat others' art. Why not treat your own art that way, too?

It sounds really REALLY corny, but I try not to think of this as embracing "mistakes." I think of it as celebrating coincidences.

I really really like coincidences. I like that every circumstance wasn't guaranteed to happen, that everything comes down to chance. I think all the little random things are beautiful because they turned out however they did, and not any of the millions of other ways things might have turned out. It's a coincidence that my genes expressed the way they did. It's a coincidence that my parents met in college. It's a coincidence that my oldest friend and I both got to middle school early every day, and stayed close even when we didn't share any classes.

Art is full of coincidences! I try to draw a straight line. The line does not turn out straight, because of the way my hand is shaped and the way my muscles contracted, because my body is not exactly like anyone else's in the world. No one else would have drawn that slightly not-straight line just exactly how I did. It's mine, and it's crookedness is what makes my art mine. Okay, maybe it's a little too crooked for what I want this time-- I'll erase it and draw a new crooked line at a bit of a different angle. There we go, I like that! Now it's my beautiful, irreplaceable crooked line! And the ghost of its predecessor guides the eye just so, and no one else's two crooked lines would guide your eye the same way, only mine! Isn't that nice on its own? Just to have made something that can't ever be replicated? To have made something no one else has ever made before?

You can also apply this in a bit less dreamy and more practical ways, I promise haha.

For example...I've never been a canvas flipper, as a digital character artist. I don't mirror my canvases to see if they still look preportional to me from either direction. I also don't usually draw visual novel character sprites that need to look good mirrored in either direction to serve their function, so it's never been a practical concern of mine.

I consider many kinds of distortion on a character I've drawn to be a good part of the visual flow of the image. Like a smear frame in animation, distoriton in the right places can make character art look dynamic and energized because it can lead the eye through a certain visual flow over the form of the character. If I were to flip the canvas, that eye-leading effect might hit differently because my American eye is used to reading from left to right-- perhaps it doesn't feel as "smooth" going in the opposite direction. This doesn't mean I need to change the distortion necessarily, it just means I prefer not to flip the canvas.

Often, these distortions aren't intentional. They're a coincidence of how my muscles move as I draw, and the areas my left-to-right American eyeballs instinctively pay more attention to. But the effect is still desireable to me. So, happy coincidence!

I think...that's the best I've got for now? Feel free to ask for clarification. I hope it's not total nonsense!

[devine-fem]

i know ive said before in the past that i don’t particularly want jondami/damijon to become canon because i feel like the writers would ruin it but how would YOU guys want jondami to be handled if it were up to you how they become canon?

ill go first.

First thing, we would have to have young jon question his sexuality in a authentic, nice way. be able to get into his head and him display like “i think girls are cute but… guys as well… is this normal?” just HAVE him be pathetically bisexual, i know that in a comic book that i cant remember a girl touched his hand and he accidentally used his super strength and broke the thing he was sitting on due to his hand clenching in reaction, basically i want there to be some sort of build up. THAT would be super nice bisexual representation. i wouldnt want their relationship to be rushed or spontaneous at all. maybe have it be mostly about jon and him trying to keep his feelings to himself because he doesn’t want to weird out damian, not wanna ruin their friendship etc etc. kind of sad but also itd be nice representation of the queer experience, since the supers are normal people, jon having a cliche and simple story would make sense for him. perhaps as jon is growing up as a hero, he experiences some thing that maybe will go into his feelings, like i know one time where he thought damian had died and he freaked out and rushed to find him, it could be like that, like having jon have moments in his heroism that makes him feel like “maybe i should confront this before its too late” - having jon think about how human damian is scare him in a way to the point he wants to be protective and his agency of needing to protect him be the thing that makes him confront and deconstruct his feelings… between jon and damion - jon would confess first, and for their confession, don’t let it be on a bloody battlefield, let it be in a safe controlled environment. im tired of the adrenaline pumping and passionate kiss trope, let the characters just talk it out so it feels genuine.

on damians side thats where itd be a little harder because i feel like damian would have to go through some stories and be in a place where hes fleshed out enough to start feeling normal human emotions, yknow? since he was raised as a weapon. he could just see jon as one of the few genuine friends that hes had and thats stuck with him. damian could also have a nice moment where he starts feeling simple emotions for jon like, comfort, adoration, missing him or jealousy but he doesn’t understand them so he acts out in a way that makes more sense to him, like the violence and rebellion pent up inside him. in my confession - if there would be a confession though, itd have to be in a safe setting for the both of then where they are just talking like i said. i feel like itd make sense for damian to even reject him at first, thinking his responsibility to the mantle is more important/ he doesnt have time for something like that. and he feels like he couldnt give jon emotionally what he deserves. then they could grow up (and in most people’s opinions i actually dont want jon or damian to become superman or batman, i want them to be their own thing. its the most boring part of their character and would be the biggest reason for the writers to not allow them to be in a relationship because that would mean superman and batman dated at one point or somethting) then after they grow up (it doesnt even need to be a long time after the confession, can be like months or so) and damian confronts himself he can go back and damian could be like “im not good at this type of thing, but i want to try” and then they could be together happily. because out of everything their mantles is the thing that pults them together but at the same time rips them apart. i ship them because they are polar opposites that have the same destiny but their paths are what damages the both of them the most and what holds together their relationship. theyd have to be friends or lovers more on normal terms, hang out outside of robin and superboy which we havent seen yet… at least not in comics where theyre hanging out JUST to hang out. then after they get together they can just be jon and damian, doing normal civilian things, perhaps they could also find different titles to bear as heroes like how dick became nightwing or something.

i also don’t want damian to lose his general, teasing and snide remarks to jon or anyone, keeping their dynamic the way it was as they were friends would be more fun but yeah thats me.

[serenequeenofeverything]

Daily pull-a-card reading

Daily pull-a-card, is a daily tarot reading in which ill pull one card for every group.

Disclaimer: sometimes i might pull an extra card or two that i wont mention but will definitely take into consideration.

Lots of grammar mistakes ahead bc fuck english.

For September 8-9th 2023

Group i, ii, iii, iv, v, vi

i

The high priestess

U seem to be very connected and in touch with ur emotions, you are at ur peak intuition-wise but why do i see you doubting urself? Why are u so unsure? Almost ur not giving urself the benefit of the doubt, actually quite the opposite. You are not sure of urself whatsoever, but im here to tell what the universe (god, the angels or whatever u believe in) wants you to know : you are on the right path. U are exactly where u r meant to be. U are as connected to ur higher purpose as one can be. There is nothing to fear. You are on the right path. Your own path. Trust yourself a bit more.

A song recommendation (which i reallllllllly urge to listen to bc u cant imagine how strongly this came through, U MUST LISTEN TO IT) :

ii

Ten of wands (r)

Let go of it. The burden you are carrying is not worth it, i don't exactly know what it is, it might or might not be important but here's the thing love, you are more important. U r really precious, u truly don't deserve to carry this baggage, it is just weighing you down. So free yourself, love. I know u can do it, you too know too. My bird of paradise, fly.

A song recommendation that i really wish u to listen to:

iii

The world

My god, you are the girl. Darling you ARE THE GIRL. honestly i dont even need to advice u, all im gonna say, you are the girl. you are the one, i truly truly love your energy. Baddest bitch in the game lmaoo.

I said im not gonna advice you, but i cant stop me, so here it goes, STOP LOOKING INTO THE PAST. What's past is past. Fuck him, fuck them, they didnt deserve you. Look ahead so much is waiting for you, somewhere is waiting for you. And this time, they will deserve you. U will watch it begin again, only better.

A song recommendation that i NEED you to listen to (make sure u listen to taylor's version only tho 🔪🔪)

iv

9 of swords

Hey love, listen to me very carefully, YOU CANT BALANCE IT ALL. whatever you are trying to balance, is taking a toll on you. It's too much work and it's fucking you up mentally. It's too much and read to this even more carefully YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. Ur only human. Either give one of it up, or just free yourself from both( i suggest this). Life is much more than this situation that you are in. And there's better days to come. But you take this decision. U need to take this decision.

A song recommendation that im certain you already know but i think would a good awakening for u :

v

Knight of cups

He is very close. Nearly here. And my god, ur night in his shinning armor is one hell of a night ( THE BEST INTENTIONS LITERALLY ) . Idk girl what u have been manifesting, but that shit is CLOSE, very freaking close. My advice? Just keep doing whatever ur doing. U r doing good, and u will do even better.

Song recommendation(huh... interesting, idk i got this song, but it came very strongly, so listen u never know what's in it for u) / interestedly three things came on strong 1. "Combat" 2. " they see right through me, can you see right through me" 3. "Cause all my enemies started off as friends"

vi

Page of wands

Oh my god, this was like the messiest group everrr! Here's the thing lmao u got many cards, but it just kept going back and forth but one thing im certain about is the page of wands energy all over you. So this group are just very young compared to the rest, or just not in control of their life whatsoever.

For some i see patents getting divorced, families arguing, not very good home environment. And then there's u, amidst all this mess, the shinning one. U have many goals, you are a seeker and a dreamer, u want more. Im hearing " an art deco, Shining like gun metal" and u want more. U want more for you, u want the light, the fame and everything else too. A hungry soul.

" i want my cake and i wanna eat it too"

My advice? It dont matter. U will do as u wish, no one can stop u nor change you. U remind me too much of myself, i know ur ache.

Your song recommendation? Art deco. That song describes you perfectly.

Anyways now that's over, y'all better follow me, i mean who will do u better than i?

Alsooo u can always submit what u want me to do a reading on next by simply commenting ur subject of interest ( no private readings bro i aint got no time for that)

Anyways peace out, bye.

[oars]

hiii I want to know more about appindex 👉👈

what is his relationship like with the other party members?

How easily does she trust other people?

If they are stressed or upset is there a thing/place/action that is comforting to him?

also anything else you want to share?

(I LOVE her design by the way, their appearance immediately caught my attention. Love your use of color too)

sorry this took me so long i swear when i saw this ask i started squealinf abd looking like this

gonna put it under a read more since um im gonna assume this will get really long lol

disclaimer im gonna straight spill my thoughts sorry if things stop making sense

i made a small comic just for the first question but tumblr doesnt like it for some reason and it prevents it from showing up unless you go directly to my blog :<

anyways i think overall appindex is like a mother of at least 6. companions come to them in the middle of the night like "i frew up :(" that typa thing

since family/clan n loyalty is very important to dragonborn and appindex just lost theirs before being abducted they are very quick to attach to these losers

i think while appin is not under the control of any god, lord, devil, etc they've created a personal hell of his own bc he tries to bear all responsibilities and burdens of those around him bc he's scared of failing and losing too much again. or all he has left really. that can make them kind of overbearing and it would be annoying if like the main companions didn't have issues and lowkey liked the attention.

what does get annoying is that it comes off as appindex not trusting their companions to do any heavy lifting but that improves in like act 2-3 especially since that's around the part the tav is expected to save baldurs gate. and the world like that's way too much weight for appin to carry on their own without breaking so atp they don't really have a choice but to let their companions share some of that albeit verrrry reluctantly

slightly more specific relations ---

shadowheart: shart is the first appin gets close to even if shes older i like to think she's like a little sister to appindex anyways <3 i should just show screenshots of the epilogue conversation bc it feels so fitting. probably one of the only companions to recognize appin's exhaustion and nag her

karlach: close in a years long tumblr mutual type intimacy way. "i'd let my mutuals come inside idc" type relationship. they occasionally sleep and cuddle naked. as good friends do. it's nice having someone they could rely on for literal heavy lifting and hitting bc in appin's eyes the rest of his companions are made of sticks and paper, save for lae'zel. girls who rip off heads with their bare hands and paint their nails in the blood :3

astarion: i do not know how to explain their relationship early on bc it fluctuates in my head. obviously irritated by how appin stops to help anyone and everyone especially since most of those people in act 1 are parents and children. appindex definitely laughs at his lame ass "seduction" bc it's pretty see through; it becomes less about seducing and just aiming making them laugh. appin probably said "im proud of you" at some point and it got to his head now he's vying for their attention and validation (get in line). my white hollow boned elf i'd probably give my organs to if he asked - appin

i think appindex is the more mature one, mentally and emotionally, especially since dragonborn develop and mature much earlier than elves do and i feel like dying young and being under cazador's control stunted astarions own maturity a bit. the result is appindex treating him like a child sometimes; not trusting him to do a number of things, scolding him,"dont treating me like a child" "dont act like one" etc etc. i think at some point he just does it and wears on appindex's extensive patience on purpose because he's a little freak like that :/. appin does not think its cute

ok no more of them next question

i think appindex is pretty trusting in a way. if they feel like they have no reason to feel threatened by someone they'll have their trust but that doesn't mean it can't be lost ofc. which is why they trust laezel and astarion so easily. why would they be scared of a tiny white elf who can't even get them to knife point (he failed that).

he does struggle to trust others to do things for them though, if he were ever to be out of commission or on the verge of it it would be like pulling teeth to try and get him to let someone else lead temporarily.

appin holds onto a piece of kednyr's old blanket bc it still smells like her :thumbs_up: karlach gives her a teddy bear with that piece attached to it as a gift. astarion may have helped but he will not confirm

extra notes ermm appin lived in the upper city, not a patriar or a servant, they just co-run an expensive smithy there.

as a passionate blacksmith (and someone who wants to become an artificer) appin is really intrigued by karlach's engine and wishes they could collaborate with dammon on how to fix it or make her a new one entirely

to add onto that he's extremely fascinated by the grymforge in the underdark its like a theme park to him. it is their nerdiest point in the storyline

they can stay underwater for a good period of time; an hour is their highest time

andd she has a prosthetic leg around age 40-45 sorry this got so long . this things in my head 24/7 rn i tried to omit some things to make it shorter but oh well

[hakucho-art]

About your last shared post and the tag, what if being horny isn’t in someone’s biology? Im starting to think i might be asexual and your tag kinda triggered me xd its not your fault tho, you are always so nice and i guess im always searching for strangers opinions about it xd (just hoping not feeling like a freak for not liking sex or feel horny xd)

Well, I am not that well versed with biology so don't take me by word but I do think that being horny is a very natural thing to feel and necessary for us in order to reproduce and why sex or anything that serves for our survival is pleasurable. That doesn't mean it's bad or something is wrong with you if you don't, every person has a different sex drive c:

Some people have a higher sex drive while some others have a low one. So you're not a freak at all! Everything is perfectly fine for you.

You mention asexuality in the context of sex drive and I think it's important to add that afaik, asexuality describes a lack of sexual attraction, not your sex drive. That means you don't find people or their bodies arousing. There are asexuals who have a low sex drive and can be sex repulsed while there are other asexuals with a higher sex drive and be open to sex or want to have it!

Asexuality also comes in a spectrum! Demisexual, graysexual, others that I probably dont know about JWVDJJSV inform yourself about them and dont be scared of using a label for you that feels right. You can always choose another label later when you feel like that one fits better (I like the simile of labels being like magnets on your fridge ;))

My tag was directed towards people who feel shame about their arousal and a reminder that there is nothing to be ashamed about. Of course, the same applies to a lack of arousal. You should never feel ashamed of your feelings, especially because it's not something in your control. You just feel or don't feel, whatever it is, its okay ♥️

[spaloonbabooguuscooties]

Begging at your feet rn to see more of your elka stuff and ESPECIALLY your elka and franke stuff

THE BEST I CAN GIVE IS UHHHH a little bit of background on some things that have been cooking because im bored.

The basis of elkas character being a control freak who is so obsessed w upholding the status quo of her mind and staying normal and being ‘happy’ in her future despite everything she sees being a doomed ending. the vision of a married life with nils lutefisk, who never really seemed to care about her and who she doesnt even know she actually loves or not. because it doesnt feel like how it SHOULD feel and she wished he was something different but she doesnt know what

she doesnt allow herself to think maybe shes Never been happy with a man. that maybe she only feels the need to be because thats all shes ever known or seen herself having

also the added very important headcanon that elka gets so obsessed over this future that she forces herself to have visions of it constantly, over working her future sight to the point that by the time the canon game happens her vision has clouded over and shes completely blind and has to use clairvoyance to ‘see’. (based on her early concept model with white eyes. anyway)

her first year of summer camp kicks off her relationship with nils but also an unexpected friendship with Kitty, and they end up getting very close, and though its confusing its the best elkas ever felt- up until she’s graced with a vision of her and kitty getting into a terrible fight, and rather than putting herself through that she just pretends they were never friends in the first place. (because shes normal)

kitty is understandably confused and upset about this and doesnt know why elka is suddenly giving her the cold shoulder. they both leave camp completely fucked up over their toxic female friendship drama and the next year kitty is ‘seemingly’ over it, already rebounding to a New girl she met on the bus, franke.

of course, franke is a lot different than elka. kitty finds her a lot easier to get along with, more relaxed, they kind of compliment each other in a way. the budding friendship to serious crush to summercamp love story pipeline.

BUT.. franke cant really help but noticing how tense kitty and elka are around each other.

its a lot to get into but my friends and i kind of spitballed franke having like. psychic hyper empathy based powers. shes more of a feelings guy. she kinda goes with whatever kitty wants but she can be good when shes not around. theres like a whole thing i made up for it BUT anyway

she doesnt know whats wrong with them just that the vibes are fucking rancid and she wants to help kitty out by getting to the bottom of it. and so she starts talking to elka when she can , and elka pities her a bit because she sees franke as this completely gullible goofball under kittys spell, cursed to follow her around like a lost puppy. especially because kitty has only grown hostile to elka since theyve been back at camp, elka kind of knows kitty is/was using franke to make her jealous. much like , well, she was using JT to get to nils. so franke is kind of like a tennis ball getting kicked between the two of them.

because a lot of this stuff is roleplayed out there was a bit going about franke being illiterate (because shes dumb) that franke plays into in a self deprecating humor kind of way, but elka takes it completely seriously and takes soooooo much pity on her she decides to help franke learn to read by showing her her favorite book pride and prejudice. has franke hold the book while elka uses her eyes to read it for her. this made a lot of sense in the moment dont worry

franke goes along with this even tho she can. absolutely read. because, like, maybe if they talk enough she can squash her and kittys beef. this ... goes okay, but franke ends up really enjoying this little book reading thing they do together. she is unfortunately a little baby butch lesbian and elka is pretty and nicer than she initially thought, when she isnt talking about stupid boys, and gets Really into the romance aspects of the book that Elka herself enjoys. and elka ends up enjoying it too, because without kitty around, franke is just such a good listener, and a little charming, and does whatever she asks, and gosh, if she was a boy she’d be everything elka wanted, wouldnt she? oh well!

and even though she looks, she cant find an end in sight for their future. maybe this friendship could be different from kitty, maybe she doesnt have to be afraid of how close they are. so she lets it happen, because it distracts her from the grief of boys who refuse to understand her. every time her and nils break up, franke is there to say Well, he never deserved you anyhow! and she feels better for just a little while.

this isnt even getting INTO the feelings that evolve over the future and the self destruction elka puts herself thru to secure her marriage but ive rambled enuff. maybe you all will feel what i feel if only for a moment

[mental-health-advice]

Hello!

(tw mentions of sh but nothing graphic)

I really dont know if this is the place for this, if so simply being able to write this out is probably helpful. I am in a romantic relationship with someone who self harms (were both 19). This was a thing i knew about before we got together, we were both going through a rough patch then and bonded a lot of beinf able to talk about our problems, i think back then i was so busy dealing with my own mountain of problems and thoughts of self inury (that i luckily never followed through on) that worry for someone else didnt even fit.

While all the resources I can find are really helpful im at a bit of a loss now, ive done everything right, i already had expierience with other friends and myself. They are in therapy and are on the path to healing, take good care of the wounds generally and we can openly comunicate about this and generally have been able to do so effectively.

These last few months however theres been more slip ups than before. I know progress is not linear, and its still much a work in progress (this has been an issue for 7 years, 1 year of recovery is obviously nothing). I am incredibly proud of the progress they have made, last year it was twice weekly trips to the ER, so even twice a month is huge already. also know they wont be able to quit or even signficantly reduce the self harm until they move out, since their family is unstable and does everything wrong (gets angry, threatens with ultimatums, generally extremely scared of their scars).

last few times with a slip up its made me freak out too, I have an anxiety disorder which this now triggers (i used to have a slightly better grip on this) I try to remain calm and helpful for their sake, but its mostly incredibly upsetting im not there to help them, and i know being there to talk helps but ive run out of material ways to help. It also feels like it proves my fear that something will always go wrong, which can lead me to have panic attacks. Ive talked about this with them of course and we get through it together, i really want to be better at keeping a slightly leverer head though. I used to have counceling too who helped me, but since i turned 18 and finished school im now on a waitinglist for adult help, and while talking to other friends helps somewhat its still generally makes me panic, sleep badly and sometimes have nightmares. I really love them, whenever were together we bring out the best in eachother and im afraid if i talk about this too much to people theyll tell me to break up with them.

we have plans to move in together for university next year, which im sure will help a lot (i know they wont magically heal then either, but ill be there as a more sturdy support and theyll be able to access ER, etc without being shamed) and ill have a therapist again then too, so its just these coming months that are going to be very rough. I just never know how to calm myself down, i know its not rational (they are hurt but never badly, they always talk to me about it, their psychologist will generally help too) i also know im allowed to feel sad and scared, i just want to be more in control.

back when i had a therapist she used to talk about trying to stay at my own feelings, not getting dragged down into someone else. But i just dont know how to do that, whenever it happens its just so sad and i hate it. No matter how much i remind myself even after ive allowed myself a period to be sad that itll be okay and they are relatively safe and i see them every week it feels so awful. Its not very tennable to ruin my whole night, next day on this every time. sorry this is sooo long but i feel the context is important as ive gone through a lot of advice, thank u tho.

Hey there,

Whilst I think that it is great that you have been able to help this person for such a long period of time, unfortunately it is not always sustainable no matter how much we would like it to be. This though doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try if you want to, I am just trying to point out that unless you look after yourself too and put a bit of a barrier between you and this person then it is likely that things may not change or improve for YOU.

I know how great it can feel when we help another and especially when we see such big improvements for the person we are trying to help and support, but the end line is that we can only do so much until we ourself begin to crumble or struggle a bit (which it sounds like you are to some degree) and so I am wondering if you can put some space between this person and you at all to focus on yourself a bit more and self-care may be of some benefit to you.

In regards to this person, any day of no self-harm is an amazing achievement and no amount of set backs or slip ups/ relapses can take these achievements away from them. It’s important to know that that recovery comes from within and so unless this person chooses to and is ready to focus on their recovery then it is unlikely that things will change for them and they will still be in survival mode. This is in no way your fault, and nor is there much you can do about it as we cannot choose recovery for another person, it has to be when they are ready and choose to try to commit. And even then, it’s quite normal to go back to survival mode and go back and forth between recovery and not, this does not mean they are not still trying, but rather they are just human like everyone of us are. I remember in my own recovery away from self-harm I did go in and out of trying to not self-harm depending on how strong I felt on the day and what triggers may have come up that made me want to self-harm, this didn’t mean I wasn’t trying or that, it was just that I was really struggling and the urges to self-harm were too strong to try and fight them.

So, what can you do?

To begin with try to be patient with yourself and this person and know that even when they seem to not be trying, they actually are. Try to put some space in between you and this person to enable you to look after yourself too. You can do this by practising good self-care (trying to eat healthy, doing some exercise a few times a week and trying to get a good nights sleep) and tyring to have some ‘down time’ where you can simply just think about yourself and do some things that you enjoy doing whatever that may be. I know that you may feel selfish and bad for taking some time out for yourself, but if you don’t look after yourself then it won’t be sustainable to help support others and be there for them if you choose to do so.

In regards to how it can make you feel when this person does self-harm or is struggling quite a bit, as your therapist mentioned to you, try to take a step back and allow yourself some time to grieve or feel sad and try to be kind to yourself – I know how it can feel like a loss to you as well when someone is struggling and self-harms as a result, but in reality it has nothing to do with you and how much or how little you are there for the, it is bound to happen anyway and this in no way reflects on you and how good a job you may be doing to support them through difficult times and days.

I know that you mentioned that it can cause great anxiety when they do self-harm now, and so when this happens, again, try to be kind to yourself and do try to take some time out for you. And I know, this is much easier said than done, but it will get easier though with practice and it may also be helpful to check out our page on calming anxiety and panic as well for some more ideas on different coping strategies.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going OK!

Take care,

Lauren

[degenrcy]

please be patient with me

its silly to me how i can write and indulge in the dark kind of content/kinks that i do but i wish nothing more than to torture the ppl who made me like this in the slowest and most painful ways i could possibly think of. i want to become the abuser for once, but only to them. i would rather gut myself than admit to any of my past abusers that i ever liked what they did to me, because i like it now. or maybe i dont and its all about control (spoiler: almost 100% yes, its about control) i shake uncontrollably at the thought of any of those kinds of things and even disgust myself when i start writing very deeply and passionately about it (even tho its fictional) 

so if ur reading this and u like my writing, please be considerate. im not some freak whos writing the ultimate fantasy based on lust or attraction. im writing to control my self harm urges and to control what little i can in my life. the amount of attention im getting is a lot for little ole me, and while i really appreciate the comments i do get so so sosososososo much, im getting a feeling that some of this attention is coming from just... random people who happen to like this kinda stuff. if that makes sense? basically im just trying to say that things like this take a lot of work from me and im already very insecure about everything i do. i will take my time with things, because whenever i rush everything falls apart. i hate my writing when im just trying to get all my ideas into one page but i dont want to take months to write like 4 paragraphs of weirdness.

idek what i was getting at here tbh but it seemed important to address hopefully some of it is understandable, im hella medicated rn to cope with the stress of everythign LOL!!!!!! 

[ask-teamplayer]

Ronin, how does your magic work? You can move stuff around right?

RONIN: yeah.

RONIN: im what people informally call a "high magic user". so im not exactly the type of guy youll see out in the wild, eheh.

RONIN: we come pretty rare. my family are probably the only people like us in the west coast. i mean, there might be a couple more, but we're pretty scarce. most of us are celebrities or shut ins, one or the other.

RONIN: point is, i tend to freak people out when i use my magic. i dont even think e knows yet and im not prepared to break it to him. hes probably never seen anyone like me before.

RONIN: take what im gonna say about my magic with a grain of salt. im not into that magic sciencey bullshit, what im saying is just my experience and what my aunt told me.

RONIN: eh.

RONIN: my magic is in my gem, i think, but its... funneled? through my eyes. like, if i were to lose my eyes, i wouldnt be able to perform it. but it wouldnt go away.

RONIN: something like blindness wouldnt effect how well i could use it, but nerve damage would, i think. im pretty sure cataracts would fuck things up too, which i hear is kind of common for people like me in old age. dont take my word on that.

RONIN: so while i gesture a lot to keep a reign on my magic, i dont actually need to move at all. its all through the mind. i just tend to use my paws because it helps me visualize, which is important for control, and it looks better than me just being like 🧍. hehehehe.

RONIN: ok. because i have higher concentration, it tends to fly off when im angry, i think. i notice lights flicker a lot and people tend to feel kind of... goosebumps? tremors? they can kind of feel it in the air when that happens. i dont really know whats happening there or if its linked to electricity, or if its just me putting pressure on things subconsciously.

RONIN: thats kind of what my powers are, i think. its an extra hand. i can push and pull but i have problems like... squeezing. so i wouldnt be able to type on a keyboard very well without staring at it, because i would have to grab and move each individual key. i can just use my paws for that.

RONIN: basically, the way it works, er... it feels like, hm. i put focus on something, like with a spark of magic, and then i expand the radius? i guess? i can grab the entirety of small objects, but its more like dragging other things. like my magic can only grab someones wrist, but not their whole body. its not as effective.

RONIN: the bigger the radius, the more headache inducing. i could build a tolerance, but magic migraines are the fucking worst. theyre unbearable and not worth the stress. i think if i built an ibuprofen tolerance i would actually kill myself in public.

RONIN: and i can grab myself, if youre wondering. technically i could fly if i built up enough tolerance, but thatd take work. i already cant pick up most people, other than small children and like... f. i can pick up f. hes small.

RONIN: another thing about espeon powers, we can kind of... track? things. like when i close my eyes, i can see the energy levels of... things around me. if something radiates heat it picks up, and usually i can pick up on if people are panicking like that. i can move in a blindfold perfectly well. thats an ability we all have, actually. a lot of blind people become espeons for that reason.

RONIN: for most its only their immediate area, but if i wanted to i could track everyone in the school. i mean, i wouldnt be able to know whos who, but if i wanted to i could see how many people were in the office, or outside, or if theres a fight going on, or if someones having a panic attack somewhere.

RONIN: though it does hurt my head.

RONIN: my magic hurts my head.

[superman--yoosung]

hi your matchups say they're still open, i hope this it okkk!! i'm 🐇

• i have no preference towards gender but i don't like super masculine characters

• i don't really use pronouns but she/her, ver/vers, it/its are ok. fem presenting but with androgynous swag. beautiful in a girlprince way

• adult character from genshin! only recently turned 18 though haha. no tighnari or childe pls!

• i loove fashion (designing it, studying it, wearing it), idols, rabbits and deer, sewing outfits + plush dolls and creaching around at night. i haate loud, messy people and lots of textures (i'm autistic). i hate the sunlight! terrified of dogs IRL but i'd be a collie or black german shepherd.

• i'm mostly quiet (INTP), i have no control over my tone/filter so i get people saying they thought i hate them/i look angry a lot. air-headed, very low attention-span and "bimbo" tier. clumsy most of time/i dont look at what im doing. i love acting valley girl or like a malnourished bimbo (idk). i'm like a dog with the personality of a cat. beliefs.. don't be a freak idk .. don't kill ppl and i will be judgmental if i don't like your vibes.

• i think i'd have electro vision just because i get it a lot on quizzes. i also connect to it the most aesthetically. id love a sword and id have a vv elegant/pretty fighting style ..

• personal flaw erm there's zero connection between my brain and mouth so i can't really communicate much of my real feelings (esp affection). i also struggle to connect with ppl!! i'm mostly disconnected 90% of the time so it's very hard to truly love (romantically or platonically) someone for me!

• i'm 162cm... vampire to the extreme i'm 100% a vampire if im in genshin.. very strict on skincare and how i look (sensitivity issues). OR half-deer.. or half-rabbit.. My personal aesthetic is ouji/lolita, victorian/gothic themes of Black Butler and The girl from the other side.. Dark fantasy/dark academia.. LOL

i'm TERRIBLE at giving affection and words of affirmation. i love words of affirmation though and i realllly jus want someone equally as love with me/if not more

Hello 🐇, nice to meet you!! Your matchup was challenging because I kept doubting my choices, thinking, "Wouldn't this or that character's design be a texture/sensory nightmare, though??" which is a really silly thing for me to get caught up in, of all the many factors involved. (But in my defense, all the characters have SO MUCH going on in their outfits haha!!)

Your matchup is.............................

KAZUHA !!

Meeting under the cloak of darkness once or twice could merely be considered coincidence... By the fifth time, however, Kazuha was certain: it was fate that continued to bring the two of you together.

To those unfamiliar with the elusive duo, a relationship such as yours might seem threadbare - after all, since you only made your appearance when the moon was at its highest, and Kazuha drifted from place to place like a leaf in the wind, it seemed unlikely that you would ever cross paths in important ways. But you both knew differently. Naturally, even the smallest of actions, a singular drop in a pool of water, becomes a ripple whose rings inevitably grow in meaningful ways.

This is how Kazuha views your relationship: subtle, and all the more beautiful for it.

Fun details:

It will not take too many meetings for Kazuha to find you endearing. He's observant, so the nuances of your interactions will linger in his mind long after you've left. He'll enjoy learning about you and your mannerisms! He will always be respectful of your boundaries, too - and with his sharp mind, he can often tell if you're bothered without you having to verbalize it. (He'll ask, anyways, though, just to be sure.)

Kazuha admires your abilities and passion in subjects you enjoy. Many of the evenings you spend beneath the moonlight or on cloudy days are filled with discussions that jump from topic to topic, sharing your interests with one another. Kazuha is an eager listener, so feel free to share your passions to your heart's content! He will remember most every word. But when you're feeling quiet or have nothing to share, he can fill the silence with his charming words - though quiet companionship is also enough, too.

Of course, he knows how clumsy you can be, but as long as he's around, the wind will keep you steady on your feet. If you're comfortable with physical touch, he'll reach out to balance you, or let you hold onto him. If not, he'll do his best to verbally warn you of any uneven terrain or obstacles in your path you haven't noticed.

You two are THE definition of elegance in battle. Kazuha can swirl your electro abilities, making potent reactions. And as sword users, you can both keep your skills sharp by practicing together!

If you ever give Kazuha one of your creations, it will almost instantly become one of his most treasured posessions. He will do his best to keep it safe from harm on his journeys - though the wear and tear clothing might get from constant use is, in a way, a sign of how much he loves it. (Please forgive him if the clothes or plushies do see some light damage, though; the mercenary life is not always kind.)

Once you've become closer, Kazuha will bring you gifts from his travels. They're mostly small things that remind him of you: a carving of a rabbit, some medicine for your most recent clumsy tumble's resulting scratches, a paper umbrella from Liyue to help block out the sun. Whatever he sees that he thinks would interest you or that you might find use for in your day-to-day life, he'll get. If you dislike any of them, he takes no offense to that, either - he'll quietly store the details of what you disliked about it in his mind for reference the next time he gets you something.

You want words of affirmation? Oh, boy, does he provide! It's actually rarer for him to not slip a compliment or reassurance into your conversations. He'll take any chance he can to remind you of how much he treasures your company, and should you decide to pursue a romantic relationship with him, how much he delights in giving you affection (and being the recipient of yours, in whatever ways you deign to give it.)

He will write the most stunning of poems with you in mind, string dozens of haikus together with your name as inspiration. And, in the quiet company of only you and the moon, he'll whisper words of devotion, of loyalty and hope.

Kazuha, if asked to point to the one thing he loves most about you, will laugh at the inquiry, shaking his head. How can one point to a cloud in the sky and call it superior to the others around it? Kazuha thinks all of the things that make you unique are inseparably what he loves you for. To ask him to pick one is to ask the impossible of him. Still, if it was you who pressed him for an answer, he might relent, and tell you this: your very presence, right here beside him under the nighttime tapestry of midnight blue and flickering stars, gives him a sense of belonging, makes him think that - yes - there are things far greater than a life of wandering... and they can all be found within the depths of your eyes.

~~I feel like many writers default to Albedo when someone mentions difficulty expressing emotions, and while I do love him for you too (for other reasons), I thought Kazuha would be better with words of affirmation and understanding what you may leave unspoken. I almost went with Rosaria or Yelan, also, as you both could be creatures of the night together (lol), but I hope this matchup is satisfactory!

[odetoagirl]

narcissus

am i a narcissist or am i just that good. i havent always been so in love with myself, other people have made me this way. rejecetion is so important to the character, an absence of it in recent years has done disgusting things to me. im not the prettiest, i know that very well, but everyone i consider hot thinks i am too, even those i dont, and i certainly am shallow myself, high standards i can always achieve. i think i am a 6 without makeup and an 8 at my absolute best moments. those numbers should not have got me everyone i want. so maybe its my winning personality. everyone seems to fall in love with me, i pursue and get bored and leave them yearning even people who love me and arent in love with me question it or have their friends think they are. that makes no sense to me either. i like myself certainly, i behave according to whim and i know all my experiences there is no way to disagree with myself, but i am callous and abrasive and mean, loyal and attentive and smart but judgemental and crass too. but you all sit around the table and talk about always being in love with me. i dont understand what it is about me. is it bias ? i thought you were supposed to have a negativity bias? maybe it is my confidence that is rare to come by. i look back and people have been telling me i can charm for a long time. i wonder if it is my control freak. i stopped drinking because i couldnt charm.

[viscera-vital]

PLUS. its like healing for me? feels good to have control. feels good to be in charge, to make the rules. feels GREAT actually

this is the thing alright. me when im normal vs me when im horny. WE DONT TALK TO ME WHEN IM HORNY because me when im horny is a bit of a freak! like a different person kind of freak, GENUINELY IM.

the social anxiety is so bad its KILLING ME and yknow id consider sex a social interaction!! even tho my last sexual experiences have gone pretty well id say cuz. listen YOU START WORKING ON INSTINCT which i think is really hot knowing my penits can transcend the horrors.. IM JUST. IM DIFFERENT OKAY

my voice sounds different, its like a glaze goes over my eyes which. i guess is what being horny is all about, and. IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD KNOWING I STILL GOT IT... social anxiety be damned that boy can work a. DICK????

that does make me feel good actually im always like okay what if i get freaky again and i SQUANDER IT... but sir if all goes well and no sirens start going off then yr CLEAR because. you are a different person you are completely unrecognizable. if im being treated right then yeah its pretty easy to turn me on and then anxiety is DEAD i just want to cum!!!!!!!!!!!! a respectable desire, id like to think. im glad thats why like.. THIS is so important to me. getting a break from my usual self to just laugh and be lightheaded, heat and sweat and hearts pounding like..... OKAYYY sounds so great

i wouldve had a much better time on grindr if it wasnt full of chasers!!!!! it started to trigger me because i could tell they had bad intentions with me and it SCARED ME, scared me away and made me shut that shit out when really i dont want to!! just hard to find people who DO have good intentions i guess 💀💀

[raincamp]

me and my fp have each other on life360, mostly for safety reasons, seeing as we live together and are college aged, live downtown in a semi-dangerous city. i feel like it triggers me a lot more than it would if i just, idk, didn't know where tf she was all the time.

its not like i full on stalk her on there but i feel like i check it more than normal people do, as a self soothing type thing. like ill have a thought "im so lonely i miss [fp] sm i wonder if shes on her way home yet", check her location, see shes still at work, wait like five minutes, check again, and again, until she does come home. i feel like thats kinda-weird-but-mostly-harmless.

but it can also look like this; "hm i havent seen [fp] in a couple hours. i wonder where she is. i could text her but i dont want to be a burden on her. what if she's with her boyfriend? i miss her so much. *checks location, sees shes at her bf's apartment*, WOW ok i see how it is, she doesn't care about me at all, im not important to her, she'd rather spend all of her waking hours with him instead of at home with me. fuck her and fuck her boyfriend" like i can recognize this is completely toxic and comes off as kind of controlling (except for the fact that she has no idea and i dont tell her) but like, I can't stop myself when i start having paranoid thoughts i need to confirm them, and when they get confirmed i spiral so fucking hard.

im thinking about deleting it but then she'd notice and id have to explain this to her 💀 and also it helps when i am having paranoid thoughts like that and it turns out shes just in class or something and i have that solid evidence to stop myself from having an episode. at this point I've checked it so much i know her whole schedule. and i freak out if she deviates from it. not like, to her face, im not really one to confront people about my issues when im emotional, but it causes me to feel like the world is ending. i feel like a fucking horrible disgusting creep for this, my abandonment-avoiding ass needs to calm the fuck down

idk. just rambling. bpd shit.

[unlimitedhorsepower]

me writing my fanfic

honestly though i frequently think abt how many details i reference as truth are like actual canon things but theyre more obscure details from peripheral materials rather than in the anime.

but also some details i made up. would love to talk about my reasonings for those details. some of them are esoteric. but some of them are just based on reality to me. i refuse to call yuris mom "origa" bc it was the artist name of that one russian singer whose real name was olga and whos just known in japan for a bunch of anime collabs

its also my truth (but not totally unreasonable imo) that olga immigrated to sternbild and her surname is just "petrov" specifically due to simplifications for required forms/some minor mixups. not even petrova and nothing given wrt patronymic vs surname but i dont think sternbilds legislative system wouldve understood patronymics and its not rly important.

what is interesting to me is that olga petrova was a real person (well. im sure this has been the name of many people. but bear with me), a vaudeville performer, who actually adopted the name as a stage name. ive always felt that olga was running from something and wouldve explained why she has nobody else to care for her than her son. and nobody had ever heard of her either.

olga petrov is a bit of a fake name isnt it...

being a woman with no family nor connections in an unfamiliar city is such a ripe ground for getting an abusive fuck of a husband. i really doubt that mr. legend suddenly became abusive once his NEXT power started failing. i just think olga didnt have anyone else and she was willing to overlook all of his flaws for that long as someone who was rich and famous and kept a roof over her head etc

what choice does she have? also gives more basis to how nobody seems to ever acknowledge olga (or yuri) exist. i feel like mr. legend couldve just presented olga as his girlfriend of the day (who has a son) to maverick and he wouldve been like okay so...whatever...

and they never talked bc olga ~kept out of the way~ when her husband has people over or is on the phone etc. and this dynamic gets worsened when mr. legend starts to lose his powers bc he might not have a NEXT power anymore but what he has is total control and power over olga.

^ruminations of an unwell person who thinks narratives actually care about woman characters. objectively the name was given bc the writers had heard origa once LMFAO and petrov is a common surname

anyway. personally i still think it would be interesting if gregory sunshine was yuris real biological father (insert that theory post i made pre-cour 2) and olga just managed to get into a rlship with mr.legend so quickly she could pass yuri as his son. (or mr. legend was okay with the fact at least initially. doesnt matter). and that also adds to her plight of being stuck with mr.legend, and im sure she was also in love with him, but she didnt have any other choice... nobody to help her. heroes arent real

wouldve explained why olga was running and suspectible to shit freaks like mr. legend. i would be inclined to say nothing megaweird happened and gregory was just olgas weird creep boyfriend bc i dont want to torture olga for funsies. more of a situation where she got pregnant accidentally and was like fuck i cant raise a child with a total criminal freak... not that she was raped by him bc olga rly has enough bad shit in her life without that:/

gregory is a creep for sure considering even the scene where he makes ryan lose control (which is. really weird lets be real. the kotetsu scene mirrors it) but still.

AND would also explain why olga blames yuri so strongly for Everything...doesnt excuse her ofc but like. i also understand it. her life sucked. tfw women could be more than Mothers and perhaps even lead full and nuanced lives that explain their actions

this is irrelevant to my fanfic btw (kinda) though i explore yuris and olgas rlship in it. olga is someone who tries but she is so crushed by her circumstances that sometimes her best try isnt enough. its a tragedy is all.

and also interesting how gregory never showed up in sternbild before s2. like olga chose a good place to run to (in the case she had). ripping my hair out ahhh ahhh ahhhh the lore... its so deep (the lore i made up in my head that is)

[yesimwriting]

hiii, this might seem weird but do u have any head cannons for when the reader is pregnant and how the Darkling would react?

a/n love this concept,, it's not weird at all!! i feel like there's so much here!! also i leave for college this month and im lowkey starting to freak out so ive been watching star wars movies for comfort 😭and now i have half a mind to write for them, especially the prequels (cough, cough,, anakin) 😭 😭 that should tell you where i am mentally

anyways lets get into the headcanons:))

--

- okay so like most of my headcanons, this is probably going to be all over the place bc i feel like so many different things could change how he would react. Like if the darkling x reader have been trying to get pregnant, or an unplanned pregnancy with someone he really likes, i also think whether or not the reader is a grisha affects his reaction too

- in general though, i think he'd lowkey have a breeding kink he'd def find something about the thought of you having his child really attractive bc for one thing, he wouldn't have to worry about being left alone and now he has an excuse to be a real 'protector'.

- also if youve read my other headcanons i am 100000% convinced that he has this thing where if he really likes someone he needs them to need him (let's all remember the whole 'i will strip you of everything you know and love speech until I'm your only shelter' speech he gave to Alina)

- also i kinda want to write a fic or blurb series or something that's just the darkling being super toxic in super thoughtful ways LMAO if that makes sense, like he's being super sweet but it's to make sure the reader is dependent on him

- and he def wants to be the protector to give himself some sense of assurance bc he's so desperate to not be alone anymore and bc the reader is the only person he has/loves, he wants to feel in control and like he's the less attached one

- okay,, let's get back to the pregnancy thing, anyways, your pregnancy is most definitely activating all of those senses and this was meant to be a sub plot but it kind of became it's own thing lol

- so lets get to the actual pregnancy reaction

if you two have been trying to get pregnant:

- when you tell him, he kind of like, pauses bc it's not every day that he gets surprised so it takes him a moment to register that he's experiencing shock lol, so he tenses and goes islent

- and then after he realizes that he's surprised and that it's bc of a good thing, he manages to relax

- meanwhile you're kind of freaking out bc he got so quiet?? you start to wonder if he's regretting ever wanting a child with you? and you're like two seconds away from a downspiral and then he...

- he touches your cheek and looks at you in a way you've never seen him look at anyone,, not even you

- the look is so warm and strong and full of fierce admiration that you feel foolish for ever thinking he didn't want this. And then he says something about how you're carrying his child and how he didn't realize he could adore you more and then he kisses you and it's all :)) warm:)

- he doesn't want anyone to know that he's expecting a child as long as possible bc of how many enemies he has and how he has to worry about you enough when people just know that you're his 'lover' (a title you never really liked, but one he tells you is necessary to make sure no one realizes the extent of his attachment)

- if you really want to tell your mother or someone of that relation, he won't be mad about it, but he just needs to know

- Genya is the only exception bc the darkling basically instructs her to look out for you,, but when you tell her she's like oh?? you guys just found out?

- miss girl most definitely noticed like a day and a half ago after you cried bc she couldn't find you ice cream the other night 😭and she just assumed you knew but weren't ready to tell anyone

- okay so this what i think is his most problematic expecting father trait would be. So i just ranted about how important secrecy would be to him but he's also the most overprotective person in the entire world,, like he was bad before but once he knows your with child?? yeah, if a man asks you about the weather, he's done for

- he's next to you in a second, ordering either you or the man to do some asinine task

- if you get mad about this (rightfully so) or even just point out how nothing is wrong and you having a casual conversation with a man who isn't even looking at you sexually won't hurt you or the baby, he'll lose rationality

- it depends on how much you push, but it'd be super easy to make him super possessive bc like i said, being bonded by a child has made him so much more intense (and he was pretty intense before)

- and if you push too much he'll lowkey forget about how cautious he's trying to be with you and pin you against the nearest wall and say something along the lines of 'are you already forgetting you're mine? that i own you, body and soul--is my child growing in you not enough of a reminder? because i'll give you another one if you need it.' (AH--i want to write a whole fic based on this line)

- also if the reader is grisha, especially if she's a sun summoner/special grisha like him, he def talks about the power that they've created and how proud he already is and how he can't wait to train together and be the most powerful family in the world

- not everything is perfectly happy though, bc now he feels more pressure to complete his plan and establish the world he wants his child to be born into

- so sometimes when he's working extra hard or is extra aggressive for no reason, you have to work at calming him down and reminding him that the best thing he can do for his child is be there for them (and the child's mother,, lol)

- sometimes he'll respond by actually listening to you and trying to make up for his absence or his aggression by being extra soft until you finally forgive him

- you never last that long, it's hard to be mad at him when he's coddling you and whispering such sweet things about he's so happy to have you and your future child

- overall, his first reaction is to swell with emotion, which he isn't used to, and so he becomes super protective but also extra lovey and you know that his overreactions are just him trying to show that he cares about you and your future child more than anything

If the pregnancy was unplanned:

- the initial reaction is pretty similar, only his state of shock lasts longer

- like i said at the beginning, he's not used to being surprised and an accidental pregnancy is so much more surprising than a planned pregnancy

- this really sucks for you bc he's not exactly known for his patience so you just kinda sit there and genuinely wonder if you're going to be a single mom or if you're going to want to deletus the fetus or something

- but then he takes a step towards you and you see how he's looking at you and you just know that that fierceness has to mean something good

- and at this point you're scared and nervous and feel so alone so tears are pricking at your eyes,, so he wipes his thumb across your cheek to wipe away tears you won't let spill

- he then whispers something really sweet about how you two are now together forever, as you should be

- it's really relieving bc you felt so alone and uncertain and he's such a smooth speaker that by the end of the night, you feel like this is a good thing

- if youre still hesitant/weighing your options, he's not above trying to (gently) manipulate you into thinking that what he wants may be the only way

- by that,, i don't mean outright tricking you bc he means everything he says, but he def is pushing the keeping the baby agenda,, especially if you're a grisha,, and even more so if you're a grisha with similar power levels to him

- he won't get angry at first bc he's not so out of touch that he's unaware of how shocking a pregnancy is to a woman who wasn't planning one,, but his patience is limited and if you fight it too much he will get mad and yell

- but unless you really don't want to have a child, it won't get to that bc he makes the idea of having a baby with him sound so perfect?? like you genuinely don't understand how he did that

- he chases away all of your worries and assures you that youre not alone and that even though it isn't planned he wouldn't rather anyone else carry his child

- the initial conversation would probably end in you two sleeping together again bc he finds the fact that you're carrying his child so attractive and bc being aware of the pregnancy makes him more possessive

- it's also a good way to fight any of your doubts

- speaking of being possessive though,, i feel like he could be a little more possessive/protective of a reader who didn't plan on getting pregnant bc your relationship has been less established

- no one sees you as anything to him and he doesn't want to start rumors now bc it's important to him that his enemies don't find out about you or his future child so he doesn't want that to change

- but he almost forgets about all of those reasons each time he sees a man get a little too close,, especially if that guy is flirty

- it takes all of his will power to not just go 'she's mine and if i wasn't worried about the stress that witnessing something violent would cause our unborn child, you'd be dead already, but if you're not gone by the time i turn around, i'll forget about caution'

- lots of close calls ngl!! at one point youre like 'if it bothers you so much, maybe you should tell someone??' and he's like 'no,, maybe,, shut up' and then you raise one eyebrow and he just closes his mouth and is like 'i mean,, i'll kiss you to shut you up, haha--dont be mad'

- youre the one that's pregnant but sometimes you think he might be the one experiencing the mood swings i swear 😭

- so your little theory gets tested,, he's not the type to gossip with his besties and be like 'guess who's officially my girlfriend, i knocked her up but it's not like it sounds--'

- so he's like ig you can tell genya

- once again genya is like ?? yall thought you were keeping that secret? couldn't be me

- but having it a little out in the open helps ease him just enough that youre actually capable of consoling him when he becomes jealous

- still though,, he's quick to go into possessive/pregnancy kink sex

- youre most def not mad about it,, unless pregnancy has you particularly sore

- he's normally pretty understanding about that and def doesn't mind pulling his weight in the bedroom when he needs

- honestly he'd be really good at being a source of calmness at the beginning, but as time goes on he becomes more and more worried about finishing his plans bc he didn't expect to have a child right now

- so he'd be more adamant about working/becoming more tense and would be more difficult to console if it was an accidental pregnancy

- when you call him out on it--or on anything while your pregnant--it's frustrating for you both bc the number one thing everyone knows is stress is bad for baby, so he's trying to keep you calm without backing down

- these argument always end with one of you clinging to the other,, and then the more angrier of the two just like shuts up, rolls their eyes, and lets go of the argument...at least for now

- the main difference between an accidental and intentional pregnancy would probably be how you perceive him,, bc an intentional pregnancy means youve talked about things but since you havent talked about anything your shocked about how soft he becomes ??