#i had other things i wanted to do today smfh

[symerr]

when i close my eyes... all i see... is her...

[eleanorsmom420]

What not to expect on a Wednesday

Today was a pretty good day. Okay, I was a bit lazy today. We did our first house and our second house I pretty much sat my ass down and went shopping on Te mu...SMFH Thank God for TM who picked up my bullshit slack and rocked her ass off cleaning. I helped the last 5 minutes of the house, lazy bitch. 500 Gold Stars to you today TM. The last house was cancelled so home we go.

What not to expect when you come home from work!

My phones rings and I wasn't able to get it. It rings again as I am in the middle of helping DM clean up the kitchen. I am like who the fuck is calling me??? I see that it is AK calling me on Facebook Messenger. I answer the phone and she is crying. "What is wrong?" SW, her husband. The ambulance is there. SW woke AK up and said he was having chest pains and his arms were not feeling right. She gets up, gets there son in order and they get ready to go to the hospital. As she is almost ready, SW is sitting at the bottom of the stairs and he goes into what looks like a seizure. AK runs down to him and calls 911 and administers CPR as requested. The Ambulance and Fire Department came and attempted to resuscitate SW. They have to use a Lucas which administers CPR consistently. I drive AK to the hospital while JM and TN take the baby to their house.

AK and I arrive at the hospital, I don't even know what time it is. I know its after 4:00pm. AK registers at reception and they take us to a room. Never seen this room before. The doctor comes in and tells AK and myself that at 4:02pm SW was pronounced deceased. They did everything in their power to save his life. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!?!? SW is 49 years old. God fucking dammit, 49 fucking years old. What makes a 49 year old just die? A massive fucking heart attack. AK will know more after the autopsy. So now, AK is now left a widow and single parent. Oh yeah! AK is 25 years old and is a fucking widow. 25 fucking years old. FUCKKKKK! This is something that she does not deserve. No one deserves that type of heart break. They aren't perfect people but they were perfect for each other. They were a team! Best friends! Their own Bonnie and Clyde.

SW is not a bad guy. SW had his quirks but who doesn't? He would do anything to help someone. He wasn't a center of attention guy in the crowd. Hes the guy who watches from afar. But get him in a small circle and he would talk your ear off. Literally sometimes he would not shut the fuck up. But you could have a conversation with him. He was an educated man. He came from a good family. Dude did not deserve to go out like this. Not one fucking bit. He would do anything for his wife and son. He would make sure that AK had everything she ever needed or wanted like a husband should do for a wife.

Ya know what kills me? I am 42 SW was 49. If he can pass away out of no where, When is it my time? I am here with an anxiety attack thinking when? When am I going to die? It scares the fuck out of me.

Rest in Peace SW! Taken from this world way too soon. Please watch over AK and SW (son). I know AK is a beast and she can get through anything but Please SW make sure you show her guidance. That girl loves you so much so make sure you let her know you are there protecting her still.

I will miss you SW. I will never forget you. I will always tell some of the funny stories we had together. Thanks for letting me be your friend. Thanks for letting me be a part of your family. We came from different backgrounds of life but you never judged. You listened and you tried to understand. I love you dude! Always and Forever!

AK I am truly sorry for your loss. You don't deserve this. I really do wish I could take your pain away. I don't know how you feel and I never thought you would have to deal with it too. Just know I am here for you.

This was the last thing I expected today. Fuck dude! You never know when it's your time.

[warriorinthegarden]

Today’s Thoughts: It’s Been a Rough Year But I Made It

I haven’t written in a while because life has been a lot. A lot of good and a lot of other things. After re-reading my last blog post, I realized that I wasn’t entirely accurate in my feelings about my life. Yes, while everything I wrote was accurate...I also did not detail that life was A LOT. Since it’s New Year’s Eve, I want to own the fact that this year was rough. It was good and rough. I am grateful for a lot and I want to acknowledge, too, that it was hard. This year was probably one of the hardest years of my life. In May, I was in a car accident and I was without my car for two months. I was screwed over on the rental car and had to pay $1K+ more than I anticipated. I got Covid bad and was stuck at home for two weeks (that sucked)! My beloved boss resigned and I became the interim program director which was tough (I was doing two FT jobs but only being paid for one role). During this time, one of my dogs was sick and had diarrhea everywhere! For two months, I cleaned up dog #3 from the carpet, bathroom floor, and kennel multiple times a week. I took her to the vet multiple times during this time period and was cooking so much chicken and rice that I was sick of chicken and rice! Eventually they hired a new director (because I didn’t want the job! Because fuck admin, that’s why!) who had it out for me since before she started (that’s a story for another time!). From day 1, she was determined to invalidate me, my teammates, and my program. I went from feeling secure and solid in my role, in myself, my program, my agency to detesting my agency and feeling unsure of my standing in my program. You know those people who believe they can do no wrong and even though they know nothing about your program, they assume on day 1 that we have been doing it all wrong and that THEY are the savior??!! SMFH!! Talk about a savior complex! Well four months later of nonsense, high blood pressure, high stress and anxiety, she has calmed down because maybe reality has set in! Oh did I mention, she sent me to HR! I had four meetings with HR over the course of like 5-6 weeks. Talk about anxiety!! Oh also, even though the collision center had my car for two months, my car needed two immediate repairs a few weeks apart. Going back and forth with insurance to reimburse the cost! And recently being told of a third repair that was quoted by 3 mechanics for $3.5k! Lawd have mercy! Oh and I got Covid again and was stuck at home for a week! Had to miss my flight home and I couldn’t hug or kiss my partner goodbye before leaving for the holidays. During these months, I have been trying SO hard to stay positive, centered, grateful, and sane! It’s been exhausting trying to keep my head afloat! It’s been mentally and emotionally taxing trying to be a healthy person while dealing with so much fuck-shit! Fortunately, I think the storm is over.

I’ll admit, there were days that I did not want to keep going, days that I wanted to give up. Days that I have wanted to say “fuck this” to my healing journey. Days where I have let old me (my old unhealthy ways before I started my healing journey) win and almost win. Trying to be healthy, unlearn and detoxify from generational trauma is hard enough on a good day let alone when life is TRYING YOU! There have been some small wins along the way: I stopped vaping, swapped coffee for tea, got a couple job offers, started a committee for a volunteer group, auditioned for a theater role and got the part (life long dream), rode a motorcycle (another dream), got to meet my nephews, am in a loving and healthy relationship, earned the respect of some great people, found out I am a natural at ice skating and love it, helped some people, laughed a lot, learned a ton, and grew exponentially. While I am grateful for all the good in my life, I wanted to take some time to acknowledge the difficulty of this year and to say that I am proud of myself for not giving up. I am proud that I am a fighter. I am a warrior. A warrior that retired to the garden. I did fight hard this year but I did not fight for people to see me or love me. I fought for my health, for my survival and my children (my dogs), and for my livelihood. There is a time and place to fight. Fight for yourself and your loved ones but never fight for someone’s approval of you. You are Enough. You Matter. Fight the Good Fight and Never Give Up. If You Fall, Get Up!

[passingdaysthings]

11.21.2022 - A Letter to That Fucking Whore, Taylor

Today is Monday. I wonder if you will ever get to read this. Tbh, I would let you if you ask me because I don’t mind being honest as you know. The only issue is that you may never know about this letter’s existence. 

Hey, you little bitch. You are literally so annoying that I can’t handle it. You just had to go and change our relationship dynamic by talking about sleeping together, huh? I was totally cool with being just close friends, but nooooo, you had to ask me to be your cuddle buddy which somehow escalated to FUCKING. LIKE WHAT? Who just wants to sleep with their best friend with no feelings?? I think that’s when my feelings manifested because they were just chilling, but no, you had to go and push them up to the forefront by calling me babe and talking about sleep with me. SMFH. You’re a little shithead. ugh. Two months of my poor brain in turmoil thinking super hard about our friendship. My brain is still in turmoil because we have a new problem. ONE THAT YOU DIDN’T EVEN CARE ABOUT. Excuse me, sir. How are we supposed to sleep together and it be okay with our future significant others? THINK ABOUT IT. You said that you did that in the past, but don’t you think that it is a huge red flag? Wouldn’t you want your future significant other to feel comfortable with us spending time together? Maybe I am thinking too hard about this because I have never lived the whore life like you did, and I have never slept with my friends (like you). It’s not something I really take lightly. You also said fine, we just don’t have to sleep together, but like, would that really work? If we were together, would we not have any interest in sleeping together? For me, I would still have interest because we literally talk about it in detail, and I am just not someone who forgets those kinds of things easily. It’s also kind of my fault for going with the flow of things. I think we would both need to agree not to sleep together and delete all the pictures which I tried, but idk why I went back to it. And you, would it hurt you to clarify some things in our relationship? There is legit no way you think this is normal, right? NO ONE WHO KNOWS ABOUT US THINKS OUR RELATIONSHIP IS SIMPLY ONE OF BEST FRIENDS. There is also no way you can tell me that you have had another friendship that is like ours and is on the same level as ours. I definitely haven’t. I swear to god if you tell me that you tried to fuck Ryan, I will do my very best to best your ass. You. Make. My. Life. So. Difficult. 

Now that I have gotten those more angry feelings out of the way. I really do appreciate having you in my life because you have definitely added a new personality and element to it. I’ve never met someone like you. Literally. Never. I have never had a best friend express interest in sleeping together. Crazy. I’ve also never had one that I haven’t met in person before. Those facts aside, I think that you are genuinely a great person who has been dealt bad cards, and you are the way that you are as a result of those cards. I also think they’ve influenced you kind of poorly because I don’t agree with your views on guns nor Trump. You always act hard and okay, but I really feel like you just need a hug or someone to lean on every so often. I don’t mind being that person for you. I feel like I have been a few times throughout our friendship, but I don’t think I can continue being that person forever. I will continue to be that person for now, but you’re going to feel differently when I get a significant other. We met at the time I had a boyfriend, but we weren’t close to the degree that we are now. I would feel really guilty if I wasn’t there for you, but I would also feel bad for my significant other due to the complexity of our friendship so it would really put my mind in turmoil. I remember that we were talking about my wedding, and how I would invite you to come, and you said you would greet my s/o with “Hello, Im Taylor the person your future wife spends all her time with”. I didn’t disagree too much at the time, but in reality, I would end up spending less time with you. I would still spend time with you, but it would be significantly less compared to now. It actually makes me kind of sad thinking about it. That’s all for the future though. I might even be single for the rest of my life because who knows what the future holds. For now, I will continue to be someone you can lean on, but I hope that you can find a nice girl who can dedicate her time to you and who can support/treat you even better than me. My biggest hope is that you can truly feel happy with your life. I may not express it well, but I really care a lot about you. I always want you to do the things you enjoy, I always want to support your goals and dreams regardless of how big or small, and I want to one day hear you tell me that you are happy. 

Lastly, I love you so please be happy, bestie. 

Love always, 

-Paula  

[lifeasatargetedindividual]

So it's the end of the night, and yet again I've been blasted, sickened out by the Program's DEW's. Caught me off guard a little because usually come nightfall, they ease off to try and keep me wide awake during the night through their V2K. I was chilling with my folks in the living room when out of nowhere I felt my entire body overheating. I started sweating like crazy, heart beating fast, even my magnets heated up a little. I had my sister come over and touch one of the ones on my head and she confirmed it was indeed warm. The back of my throat started aching like crazy too and my stomach began churning. Given the sudden, brief silence of my V2K harassers I abruptly knee exactly what'd happened. Sure enough, they started telling me to "go to sleep." Before that, all I'd been doing was watching youtube videos from other T.I.'s, researching different things regarding coping with gangstalking. The usual stuff! The B.Y. neighbors had been taunting, sneering, jeering and yelling for me to shut up as usual. The same overly controlling bullshit they stay stuck on instead of getting and controlling their OWN lives.

It's literally the 11th time they blasted me out today, waiting until I'd recuperated and was looking and feeling pretty fine then, BOOM! Smfh. They must've gotten pissed off and even more insecure about themselves the fact I'd pretty much been ignoring them and forging forward regardless of their abuses. At one point I was thinking to myself how my "ex", the man who set me up for all this bullshit, has no closeness to his family like I do mine so this is why he became so hellbent on trying to destroy the bond I have with mine. To my surprise, the B.Y. neighbors piper up telling me he in fact doesn't haven't the same familial bonds I have, pretty much confirming what I've said all along. He's a jealous, bitter man and doesn't want me to have what he himself doesn't have, and he's conditioned masses of people to be the same way. The only time the B.Y. neighbors are "together" is when they are giving it their all to try and harass the hell out of me. Some "family," the fact you base the bulk of your familial interactions on obsessing over and tormenting someone else. And they really think that's the "coolest" thing to do! Smfh.

For the most part, I'm considering a plan that will get me out of this corrupted southern state for good before I do something I'll regret for the rest of my life against the B.Y. neighbors and the rest of my harassers, this entire fucked up situation. Other T.I.'s reported there's no real escape from it even if you move to another country. But I'd be willing to try just to see, even if it meant moving to a country like Mexico, as bad of shape its in. I'd probably do better getting kidnapped and tortured over there than putting up with this shit everyday. Unless in Mexico, they'd just kill my ass, worst case scenario and I'd be free for good. These pussies don't even have the balls to kill me off although they obviously have the technological means to do so. They fuck with my breathing and heart rate on occasion, giving me heart palpitations. They're so "tired" of me, why not just murder me off? Get it over with? Chumps. Smfh. They have no regard whatsoever of my physical wellbeing, the damage they're doing to my body keeping me sickened out like this. They see for themselves it's giving them the opposite of what they demand from me. Like I said, every time they blast me, I'm gonna talk even MORE everywhere in any form, way or shape. They want it; they want me talk talk talking away so here we go!

[sparrow-in-boots]

Thoughts on DesClay~? :3

Finally, my time has come >:D

Goodness me, how do I even start. I’ve fixated on these two for like nine years now, they are an intrinsic part of my personality now. Would not be who I am today without them. This is my permanent damage brainrot and I don’t regret a second of it. I could end this on a “Immaculate shit, flawless, 10000/10″ but why would I when I can just be an unhinged neurodivergent on main?

Clay? Dead from the start of the games, existing only as an impossible program in a machine that at that point in the franchise should not be able to preserve a conscience like that. My dude did that on his own, holy shit?? Literally everyone underestimated him, even to the end, even past his death, that shit eats me up alive!!! Yknow who else was? Desmond, that’s who! I mean, he gets proof his parents were right after all and what does he do? “Yeah sorry about that, but I’m in 100% now.” No reluctant hero shtick, he gets it and he’s on the job now. He takes it in stride even! He only doesn’t stand for being treated badly, especially when it’s unwarranted, and he stands up when others are treated badly too. Clay especially!

Also, the fact that together they are such a powerhouse duo?? Clay might have figured out how to do the memory AI upload, but it was only thanks to Desmond finding his clues and piecing it all together. Without that collaboration, they wouldn’t have even met and Desmond would likely not have recovered from that coma. But also, the fact that Clay is present through those clues since like day 1?? The flashes of them Desmond saw when he slept, then fully seeing them before escaping Abstergo and recognizing them on the Animus 2.0, both a warning and a promise. Then Desmond starts to unravel the Truth and those tidbits of memories from Clay, and the way he reaches out to him in ACB, that “wait, don’t go!”, end meeee!!!!

And then Revelations comes in and Clay is there, a bit harsh but still guiding Desmond along, supporting him, saving him again? The way they interact, Desmond a bit hesitant, unsure how to proceed, but Clay fully with no fucks to give and speaking his mind in his own way. Just, peak “I’m already dead, why should I care what anyone thinks of me?” and “You’ve been on my mind for months, and now you’re here and I just realized I barely know you” energy. To be fair, AC2 and AB set up different expectations about how Clay would be, but yeah I can see this for him in a way. Genuinely wish they had more scenes together, cus boy, the amount of existential talks they could have had together? Just two bros, chilling on the beach, talking about the brotherood, their lives, the universe and everything? If I remember right, Desmond’s narration over his memories are meant to be him talking to Clay, and I can just imagine them discussing those memories, trading stories and thoughts and opinions. Litterally so many missed opportunities there, smfh.

Can we talk about the whole theme of passing the torch on Revelations though? That’s the main theme there, how in life you have to know when to stop and let the younger generations pick up the fight, when enough is enough, when you’re living a life you were handed instead of the one you chose, and when to choose to pick up someone else’s torch not because you’re supposed to but because it’s the right thing to do. Written large, that’s the theme with Altair-Ezio-Desmond, but that’s also the kind of relationship Desmond and Clay have. Clay gave his life twice so Desmond would have the chance to see this whole chain through history to its conclusion. It’s not what he wanted, he has his regrets and nobody wants to be a stepping stone in someone else’s story, History with the capital H won’t remember him, after all. But he didn’t have much of a choice there. Except, he could have chosen to take Desmond’s body instead, could have let him be lost in that coma, but he chose not to at the end. He just, passed the torch over to Desmond, it’s his turn.

And dear fuck does Desmond carry that torch. He stands up to him and his memory, he brought him up like a cautionary tale before but now he speaks solemnly and with respect about Clay, he reflects on the memories he received from him (which makes it sorta canon that the Los Archives DLC was someting Desmond had to go through on his way out of the Black Room), he even starts making an audio log!! Yknow, like Clay did? Fuck, I need a minute--

By the way, I cannot shut the fuck up about the pictures Desmond took on his phone so I will not <3 There are only pictures since Turin, so I assume they gave him that phone pretty early cus there’s a team picture there. There’s pictures of the sky, him standing on the beaches of Rio and drinking a caipirinha, some of the forest and even a kitten he must have met on a walk or something. Good vibes only, small tidbits of life that matter and, that makes living worthwhile, and reminds him of why he’s doing all this.

Sure, getting thrown in a coma after murdering your possible crush will Fuck Up a guy. But you’re telling me that after seeing his two ancestors, the people whose memories he almost lost himself in, die or retire, and then seeing Clay give his life again for him, and then seeing what the solar flare will cause, AND THEN seeing all the possible other lives he could have had because of the Calculations, Desmond didn’t start to get existential? He’s not stupid, he can tell time is running out, so might as well save some mementos while he still can. Leave his own paintings on the wall, if you will :’)

In short, two guys going through an insane amount of bullshit, impossibly meeting after so long and bonding through the shared trauma and despite their designated roles in a play they had no say in, caring for each other and being there for each other when they most needed someone (even if only as a name without a face or personality to attatch to), and then living on because they left such a deep mark on each other, becoming a permanent part of each other and their legacies. What is a man but the sum of his memories? We are the stories we live, the tales we tell ourselves.

[canonicallyanxious]

hi, If you are still doing taking asks for the top 5 of whatever, I have one. Top 5 (or 10) scenes in the skamverse?

anon this is a really good ask and i’m unfortunately absolute trash for the skamverse so it’s gonna have to be my top 10 skjdnfskjdnfs in the interest of fairness though I’m going to try my best to limit myself to one scene/clip per season [also cut on this one bc it got long oops]

1. Minutt for minutt [og skam s3]

Words cannot express how much this scene still means to me four years after i first saw it. Like this is the scene that made Even and Isak’s relationship so special to me, this is probably the scene or at least one of them that tipped this show from “oh this is really good” to “i will fucking die on this hill for skam” for me. like, just the tenderness of Isak quietly watching Even as he sleeps. the soft physical affection a mentally ill character is allowed to have on screen. this beautiful yet grounded dialogue about coping with mental illness which cheesy as it might sound is also something i’ve very often taken to heart in my own struggle with coping with mental illness since. like god. truly groundbreaking, honestly.

2. David’s coming out scene in druck s3 ep 8 - “i am a boy. i just have to try a little harder” [druck s3]

this scene came very, very close to beating minutt for minutt and honestly on a different day it might have done so, just today i decided to put minutt for minutt at the top simply because it’s been with me for longer. but i think this was probably the most emotionally moving clip for me in the entire season, and i had the privilege to watch it in real time which makes it even more special to me. it was everything i could have ever wanted from david’s coming out - soft, aching, quiet, devastating writing that broke my entire heart. and “i am a boy; i just have to try a little harder” is probably a line that’s going to stick with me for a very long time. i can’t think of another trans person’s coming out scene in mainstream media that has touched me as deeply as this one.

3. Fatou and Kieu My’s museum date in druck s6 ep 6 [druck s6]

this scene has everything. EVERYTHING. space imagery! soft and tender kisses! hands brushing in the dark! yearning looks! playful banter! serious conversations about feelings that move forward both their development! like it just reminds me so viscerally of falling in love for the first time as a teenager. druck in general i think does a very good job of portraying teen romance but the fact that this teen romance is about two wlwoc [one of whom is vietnamese like bitch!!!!] means EVERYTHING to me. like this more than anything else in the entire skamverse is something I wish my teen self had gotten to see. i’ve probably seen this clip about twenty times because part of me still can’t believe it exists.

4. The Carnival scene at the end of the last episode of skam austin s1 [skam austin s1]

honestly i think the entire last clip of skam austin s1 is just pure excellence [even if they made me watch Meg and Marlon have sex in a car wash smfh]. like one of my favorite things about og skam was how it really gave their characters room to breathe and take their time with their conversations and i think this clip is probably one of the ones that come the closest to capturing that energy for me [no wonder i guess since julie andem was so involved with this season]. but i love the carnival scene in particular because i love the energy it captures in meg’s dynamics with the other characters and it’s just such a nice opportunity for them all to finally breathe after a difficult season. also i will never ever forget the pure euphoria of watching Shay become a confirmed lesbian on screen in real time [even if i still think the way it was done was kinda meh]. i think i was giddy for the rest of the fucking night after i saw that.

5. Nora breaking up with Miquel for good in skamesp s3 ep 8 [skamesp s3]

i actually think skamesp s3 is one of the best remake seasons of the skamverse. An incredible feat for skamesp to make me rank a NOORHELL season near the top, but honestly skamesp s3 is much more than a noorhell season, like i think the story it tells is hard to watch but very important to tell. i especially love this clip because it’s just such a well thought out culmination of Nora’s arc throughout the season. and it’s so devastating in how understated it is. the acting is phenomenal, the lighting is gorgeous, my breath was taken away by the way Nora said “don’t touch me” with her hair blowing gently around her face. just very good.

6. Josh and Nora’s second break-up scene at the end of druck s5 ep 9 [druck s4]

what does it say about me that this is the THIRD BREAK UP CLIP on this list skdjdnfksdnfsdkn. i genuinely did have a really hard time picking one clip for s5 [other top contenders include the last clip of ep 8 and the cuddle clip at the beginning of ep 6] but i went with this one because a. i love to suffer and b. the way josh plays with nora’s jacket and then she gently pulls away and his hands still linger bc he can’t quite bring himself to let her go just yet fucking HAUNTS ME. watching this scene genuinely made me feel like i was going through a break up myself, maybe because it reminded me so much of my own first break up in a lot of ways. kudos to the strong writing and stellar performances from the actors here.

7. Best of Islam [og skam s4]

Yousana the true og m/f relationship i was overly invested in... i miss they... anyway this clip is really good just on its own and i think it’s a good encapsulation of everything i wanted this season to be. i love that Sana got to talk about her experiences and her relationship with her religion; i love that yousef listens to her carefully and talks about his own experiences and feelings; i love their playful energy; I LOVE YOUSEF GIVING SANA THE FLOWER. truly it doesn’t get better than this.

8. Amira and Mohammed get back together at the end of druck s4 ep 7 [druck s4]

i love this scene because i think it showcases the very best of Amira and Mohammed’s dynamic. the way they listen to each other, their playful manner with each other, how utterly taken they are with each other. i love also that Mohammed finally got to talk about his experiences as a refugee and how that connects to his religion. and the whole exchange about baklava still has me so ;-; ;-; the chemistry these two have is absolutely unreal. i will never get over Amira being cheated of the last few episodes of her season. the greatest injustice to experience after a clip like this, truly.

9. Life in Italics [skam austin s2]

aside from the first ep this might be the only clip i’ve actually seen from this season but i stand by this choice sorry not sorry shay dixon performing an absolute bop in a pink wig is just too iconic

10. Crisana cuddle scene in skamesp s2 episode 6 [skamesp s2]

I think I’ve loved basically every remake version of the iconic s3 ep 5 cuddle clip i’ve seen but this one has stuck with me in particular just because it was really special to me to be able to see two girls be so soft and gentle and loving with each other. no excessive make-up, no hypersexualization, nothing glossy or glamorized about it. i honestly often have a really hard time connecting to teen wlw romance but this was one of those times it actually felt real to me. also the song choice for this clip is simply chef’s kiss

Ask me my top 5/10 anything!

[sage-nebula]

Voltron thoughts beneath the cut (for spoilers, and also negativity).

I don’t know if I can really say everything I need to say coherently. I’ve barely slept, I haven’t eaten practically anything in nearly twenty-four hours, and part of that is because every time I try, I can’t get myself to do it, even when it’s soup. Between the medication I’ve been on and the anxiety that flared up due to this show despite the medication I’ve been on, I’ve been really sick all day today. So I’m going to try to be coherent, but I don’t know how much I’ll end up succeeding. Anyway, here we go.

TL;DR: I watched season six of Voltron: Legendary Defender. And I’m not going to watch any of the seasons to follow. I’m getting off this shuttle here, though I’m probably still going to continue writing my AU fics since they’re AUs and have nothing to do with canon anyway, therefore.

Longer version:

There are a few different reasons for this, all of which stem from this most recent season and how it made me feel. It’s kind of funny, in a way; I thought the thing that would make me want to quit would be how Keith was treated, given that he’s my fave, but he was actually treated really well this season (mostly, anyway, but I’ll get to that in a second). He got to get back in Black, he got a wolf companion, and he whooped untold amounts of ass as the Black Paladin. We also got to learn some more about his past (although we still don’t know his dad’s name, smfh), and we had it confirmed that he and Shiro are found family and that Shiro had a hand in guiding and raising him (both because Keith told Krolia as much, and because in the flashbacks young!Keith has a higher pitched voice while Shiro is in an instructor uniform, i.e., they met when Keith was so young his voice hadn’t broken yet; I’m guessing 11 or 12). All of these things were things that I personally really liked, even though that last one is one that I feel I can’t really enjoy thanks to how this fandom is. (Like, every time one of those scenes came up---like when Krolia thanked Shiro for “raising Keith to be the man he is today,” or we saw young!Keith and Shiro---my thoughts were, “Aww ♥♥♥,” immediately followed by, “god, this will cause so much Discourse™.” Kind of ruins it . . . a lot.)

And that’s what brings me to this decision. At least, partly.

I was not excited for this season. At all. Any time I heard something about Voltron, it made my anxiety spike and filled me with dread. I knew that part of this was because I had already known that season five was our one shot at positive interactions between Keith and Lotor, and that was shot. My guess was that what was going to happen was that Lotor would discover the Shireplica plot, attack him, and then Keith would attack Lotor because Lotor attacked “Shiro.” And honestly, that would have been better than what we got. But my point is, leading up to this season I felt nothing but dread. While watching it, there were some things I enjoyed (see above), and other things I . . . absolutely did not. And afterward? I can’t think about it without feeling my anxiety flare up despite the Lexapro. I’m not even a little bit happy. I’m not looking forward to season seven, because I don’t know how season seven could possibly be good after the sheer assassination Lotor’s character suffered at the hands of the writing staff. And it’s funny, honestly, because I was expecting Lotor to part ways with Team Voltron, and hell, I wanted him to because they literally sent him to his execution last season, but I wasn’t expecting them to assassinate his character the way they did. I thought it would be Keith’s treatment that made me leave, not Lotor’s. But here we are.

Okay. Coherency.

My point is, I’ve come to realize that this show . . . does not make me happy. At all. And it’s not even just that it makes me want to complain (although the writing this season surrounding Lotor, his generals, and tbqh the way they had Keith and Krolia ~away for two years~ just so they could get out of actually showing us how they’ve bonded was completely terrible), but that it actively stresses me out and upsets me. Like, I’ve been incredibly open about how much I relate to Keith (which is why his found family bond with Shiro is so important to me; it’s a really personal thing that made their relationship my favorite in the show before The Discourse™ sucked the enjoyment out of it), but I relate a lot to Lotor, too. The narrative they were setting up with him, and the character journey that he was on---the way that he was specifically rejecting his upbringing, adamantly refusing to follow in his parents’ footsteps, toeing the line between different cultures and sides of his heritage, living as an abuse survivor whose reactions weren’t always ~*~pretty~*~ but were real . . . all of that really, really spoke to me. And it was a deeply fascinating and interesting narrative, too. It was one that I wanted to see play out. As much as I rejected the “he’s been alive 10,000 years lmao” nonsense they tossed in there (because he doesn’t act like it at all; they don’t know how to write characters that have lived that long), the idea that Lotor has rejected ten thousand years of conditioning in order to do his own thing is one that is incredibly compelling. It’s one thing to be Good (or at least Not Evil) if you were raised to be Good or Not Evil. It’s another thing to choose to be those things despite years upon years upon centuries of abuse and conditioning designed to make you a Horrible and Evil person. I’m not saying that I wanted Lotor to be a Pure Hero, but rather that I saw the narrative setting up an anti-villain and I was interested in following that story. I related a lot to that story, due to my own personal experiences. I am definitely far more of a Keith in terms of personality (and trauma disorders), but I related a lot to Lotor’s story as well and was very interested in seeing that narrative play out.

And then . . . they threw it away in favor of making him a batshit crazy definite villain who went laughing mad and decided he was going to slaughter his own people and start his own empire just like Zarkon.

I’m sorry, but nothing can redeem this. It’s character assassination, straight up. The thing with the alteans is bad enough; you could sort of maybe explain it as Lotor sacrificing a few to save billions, but that’s doesn’t jive with the Lotor that let planets rule themselves, and that worked alongside the miners to harvest things from their planet. It doesn’t jive the way that he did it, anyway. But even that, like---even that is not as much of a straight up assassination of his character as the villainous breakdown rant he goes on near the end wherein he declares he’s going to slaughter everyone, including the galra (who . . . follow him?), and start a new altean empire, like . . . honestly, just . . . 

Coherency. Coherency.

I couldn’t enjoy the Sincline vs. Voltron fight (despite wanting to see Sincline form forever . . . and thinking that it looks 10,000 times better than Voltron) because of how Lotor’s character was mangled to make it happen. I just sat there staring blankly at the screen the entire time, feeling nothing but heavy disappointment and sadness. And that . . . is not how I should have felt during that sequence. I should have been excited. I should have been into it. And I mean, parts of it were nice; seeing Keith be the boss I always knew he could be as the Black Paladin was nice. It’s good that his character arc was finally re-railed. But the rest of it . . . what was done to Lotor . . .

My point is, this . . . isn’t enjoyable to me. Between how the fandom has been (i.e. the worst; if this show manages to run to completion without someone actually, literally trying to murder someone I’m going to be goddamn amazed), and the terrible writing, it’s just . . . underwhelming at best and severely upsetting at worst. And make no mistake, the writing is terrible. Lotor’s character assassination aside, as I said above, it’s very plain to me that the entire reason why Krolia and Keith were gone for two years was so that they wouldn’t actually have to show them building up a relationship. The generals were controlled by the plot wholesale. Ezor went from being the most devastated over Narti’s death (to the point where she stops seeing Lotor as her prince in the JP dub) to being glad to be back on Lotor’s side even though Narti is, you know, still dead. Zethrid has been reduced to “as long as I get to blow stuff up, I don’t care.” And Acxa went from wanting to protect Zethrid and Ezor, to . . . being loyal to Lotor? To wanting to ditch him again?? Who the fuck knows. It’s pretty clear that the girls are just plot devices at this point, and as someone who actually really cares about them, that’s upsetting to me. (Like, I’m just going to be honest here, most of the “OMG BADASS LADIES STEP ON MEEE” that I’ve seen in the fandom doesn’t seem to really care about the girls as people. I’m sure there are some people out there who do, but most people seem perfectly happy to have them being Haggar’s lapdogs because “omg badass ladieezzzz” rather than thinking about what’s good for them. But I really care about and like the generals as characters, so to see them reduced to plot devices who just follow whoever with no rhyme or reason is incredibly disappointing to me.)

But what I’m trying to say is, this isn’t enjoyable to me. I’m not having fun. And while at this point I’m not sure what narrative they’re actually trying to tell (the characters are literally just reacting to the plot now, rather than moving it forward; we have no idea what the hell their goal is and I’m sure we won’t find out until some villain does something new), I also know that it’s not one I’m particularly interested in seeing play out. I still love several of the characters (Keith primarily, but also Lotor (despite what they did to him), Kolivan, Acxa, Ezor, Zethrid, and Narti if she’s somehow miraculously still alive), but the overall plot of the show is not one I’m interested in anymore. I don’t think things are going to be handled with the nuance they deserve. I don’t think the writers have the ability to do that at this point. And knowing what this show could have been, versus what it is, makes it really difficult for me to want to keep watching.

So I’m not going to.

Because I don’t see a point in watching something that doesn’t make me happy. If I’m going to come out of every season feeling like this, I shouldn’t do it. To be fair, there are probably a lot of other factors that go into this, such as being on antidepressants / anti-anxiety meds for the first time ever (lot of good they’re doing!!), and other stressors, but . . . still, a show should make me happy. A show should alleviate the stress, not add to it. Even if the show isn’t ultimately what has reduced me to crying so much (and I’ve cried a lot), it’s still a contributing factor and it shouldn’t be that way.

So I’m stepping off. For me, VLD had a good run (mostly the back half of season two, and season three), but this is where I’m done. With the show, at least.

Because like I said, I still do really love the alternate realities I’ve created, and I’m probably going to keep writing those. They’re AUs, so they have nothing to do with canon as it is. My Keitor Zine fic is already done and has been submitted; and my Big Bang fic is an AU as well. So I’ll probably still write those, as I want to, because they’re not beholden to any of the nonsense that just went down in s6, or any of the nonsense that will follow. So if anyone is still interested in those, I’ll probably still write them.

But as for watching the actual show? No. I’m done. Seeing that done to Lotor, and the girls, and how bad the writing is overall . . . I’m sorry, but there are better shows out there. And I just can’t do this anymore.

So . . . that’s that. As coherent or incoherent as this was, that’s that. And I don’t even have a good way to end this so just . . . here’s this, ig.

(don’t reblog it, though. likes and replies are fine, but no reblogs, thanks.)

[spookyxkitten]

11/3/19

The last two days have fucking SUCKED

i had only 4 people (me including) closing Saturday (yesterday) and of course people didn’t get the memo that Halloween is over because we were fucking swamped. 

Two people were stuck rining, the other stuck on picture wall (costume wall) which left me alone to clean the store (which was on the floor btw) do draws, run up front to help with price changes etc. Do paperwork etc. Needless to say I left the store trashed and i didn’t do the deposit. Also, some asshole college kid stole one of our walkies and was moaning into it and called me or my associate a slut. or both I was pissed. I didn’t get to take a break. I tried calling people in but they all said no or didn’t reply

today I worked open to close after closing last night. One girl was late didn’t know she was working, so she was over an hour late. That left me 30 min with one other person to do balloon orders due for 10, one of which was 45 fucking balloons for 10 am (when we open....in 30 min) . i was told that was the ONLY order for Sunday, nope. The store was trashed from the night before. I cleaned the front and the queue. After we opened some assholes took a nip in line at our store and a customer with their kid found it on top of a ring pop bag. PISSED. The store was trashed. Again, busy. Some lady fought with me and had me call my manager due to an issue out of my control that corporate will have to fix because its above us. She basically kept saying that I don’t understand the situation when I fucking did. My manager told her the exact thing she told me to tell her but she only liked hearing it from my manager. That was an hour-long endeavor with my manager sighing saying “Can I ever get a freaking day off!” which stressed me out even more because it made me feel bad. I had a panic attack. My inner lip is all chewed up over it. I was made out by the customer to feel stupid. She only accepted from my manager that we had to go through corporate to handle the situation. Basically, she was charged for a return instead of it going back onto her card. Which she tried blaming the cashier for. (not her fault, it was a corporate or system error, maybe even her bank.) I have even more anxiety because the customer said a man was filming us. Idk. I cried after that and i leaned on my walkie and my associate asked “Are you okay?” and im like “yeah, why?” And she’s like explained the sound i made or that it was a cry sound idr and I told her I was crying lmao. And then at closing people held us up in the store so i rushed to do paperwork etc after that. My cashier wasn’t able to get all the putbacks done so I am sure i’ll get chewed out for that because it was supposed to be a day of cleaning, but we were fucking busy with 3 carts of putbacks. smfh. And....i didn’t get a break. It’s 1030 and I am finally about to eat. And then sleep and then be up to go in for 1 tomorrow and close again...with....one....fucking....person. 

all i want to do is sleep

is it Wednesday?

[zucca101]

Transcript with a once-friend

Made on a Discord Server in the room meant for airing out frustrations, grievances and the like.

The names have been changed to protect the ones involved, and if you know who the names are (They’re historical ones!) without googling them, then you win a history star!

Minucius Rufus and I had long been friends until the election, where they inferred nothing short of the absolute  worst in a strawmanning to end all.

In fact, I suspect Rufus to be the mystery anon who kept trying to bait me into saying what they, in their mind, think everyone to the Right of Stalin says.

So Rufus and I made up afterwards and things were dandy, up until Trump’s transsexual ban in the military. The thing whose unilateral nature I disagreed with. Rufus KNEW I disagreed with it. Didn’t stop them from ripping into me since, I assume due to treating anyone to the Right of Mao as absolute dirt, they don’t know anyone else who isn’t Leftist.

It was to Rufus who I was responding with those long posts some time ago back in July.

So, worrying that someone else in the server recognized Rufus, I urged others on the server not to make a fuss.

Zucca Xerfantes-07/27/2017

Need to air something out. There is bad blood between myself and another member of the server, but I give my solemn vow that I will not drag any drama into any of the rooms. It is an unfortunate disagreement and I kindly ask of them to observe the same courtesy and ask of any who know the nature of the disagreement not to bring it in either. Thank you all and love y'all!

To which Rufus responded by making a fuss... X_X

Minucius Rufus-07/27/2017

You're literally the only one dragging it outside private messages to begin with, my guy.

Quintus Fabius Maximus, a very good friend of mine, responded by saying he knew nothing of it.

Quintus Fabius Maximus-07/27/2017

Yeah, I literally didn't know anything about it until you mentioned it.

Although I hope both of you are doing alright, I like all of ya.

Zucca Xerfantes-07/27/2017

There's a few others who are aware and my intent was to issue a blanket statement so as not to name names. Regardless, this is the very last I'll speak of it here.

Zucca Xerfantes-07/27/2017

At any rate... how about them Lakers?

August 23, 2017

Zucca Xerfantes-Today at 11:06 AM

http://ktvl.com/news/local/anti-fascist-vandalism-at-greenhorn-park

This... REALLY pissed me off...

This happened in a dear friend's hometown. He can personally attest, the outdoor museum has nothing to do with the Civil War era, slavery or the like

It was just someplace the little fascist bastards could get to easily >_<

Minucius Rufus-Today at 11:36 AM

looks legit alright, just like "blacks rule" smfh

Could you have found a more obvious false flag?

Oh wait, never mind, you probably thought that particular occasion was real too because after chasing away every last friend of color with your rabid support for the cheeto in charge, you wouldn't even know that no one would legitimately spraypaint this in public and mean it.

Zucca Xerfantes-Today at 11:43 AM

Minucius Rufus, we don't have to get along and interact, but don't lie about me.

Minucius Rufus-Today at 11:44 AM

It was all over your own damn blog, don't lie.

Zucca Xerfantes-Today at 11:46 AM

I'm just venting here. And if you want proof I haven't, as you lied, 'chased away my friends of color', then I can link you to the DA pages of my IRL friends of African, Filipino and Japanese descent.

You're the one who's lying. Neutrality on Trump does not equal support unless you're a cultist of one extreme or another

Minucius Rufus-Today at 11:47 AM

Neutrality? https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/rbz5bnvfgwufqkz/zucca1.png

Looks neutral, alright. https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/bwgq14047q2jiet/zucca2.png

Zucca Xerfantes-Today at 11:49 AM

It tickles me that he upsets the Establishment on both sides but that's about it, Minucius. And between him and Hillary, I selected the lesser of two evils

I just needed to vent about Fascist "Anti"fa tearing up my friend's childhood memories at the Pioneer outdoor museum. That's all

Zucca Xerfantes-Today at 11:51 AM

But I refuse to be your personal straw man. Good day

Minucius Rufus-Today at 11:51 AM

Don't fucking present obvious false flags as real. You're the one who's lying here.

Zucca Xerfantes-Today at 11:51 AM

I said good day.

Quintus Fabius Maximus-Today at 11:52 AM

Come on, I'm sure nobody here is like, literally evil, come on

Minucius Rufus-Today at 11:52 AM

Supporting the fascist in charge at this point is close enough.

Quintus Fabius Maximus-Today at 11:53 AM

That's a really strong statement considering more or less half of the country voted for him

Minucius Rufus-Today at 11:53 AM

I'm sorry, I'm not going to tolerate someone who legitimately thinks the man who refers to neo-nazis as "fine people" or who equates pushback against them to "violence from all sides" is a good person.

I don't care. Half of Germany also voted for Hitler in 1933, did that make him a good person?(edited)

Quintus Fabius Maximus-Today at 11:54 AM

Well, Germany was in a really bad financial spot allowing Hitler's rise to power, do you really think half of Germany wanted to kill Jews?

Minucius Rufus-Today at 11:55 AM

Read that sentence again with your own damn eyes.

Quintus Fabius Maximus-Today at 11:56 AM

Seriously, come on. You're just assuming a lot about people.

Minucius Rufus-Today at 11:57 AM

Of course he didn't get elected on a platform of "let's literally murder all Jewish people," but what he did get elected on was scapegoating them for Germany's economic trouble (gee, sound familiar), and not to mention? It's been half a year since that orange fuck has been in power, three quarters of one since the election. People have seen what he stands for, and while not every single person who voted for him is terrible perhaps, if you still support him at this point?(edited)

Yeah, no. Stay the fuck away from me.

Truth is not a democracy, and neither is what's morally the right thing to do. Never was, never will be.

Quintus Fabius Maximus-Today at 12:00 PM

Well on the bright side, maybe Civil War 2 will resolve things.

Minucius Rufus-Today at 12:07 PM

Like, fuck. Don't even ask me, ask a goddamn Holocaust survivor about this shit if they're willing to share.

Quintus Fabius Maximus-Today at 12:08 PM

At this point I just think most people are getting tired of being compared to literal Nazis and we'll actually get a civil war 2. :c

Minucius Rufus-Today at 12:09 PM

It's the same shit we've seen before, the same desire to cull "undesirables" for the sake of maximizing productivity, the same valuing wealth over people's lives, the same equating people fighting for equal rights with terror groups ("BLM is just like the KKK!")

People are being compared to nazis because they support the same shit the nazis did.

It's that simple.

And that’s how I spent part of my lunch break. >_>

Again I urge, and again Rufus will claim I’m siccing people on them because I’m not conforming to their fantasy situation of being the heroic non-Nazi vs. The Nazi, NOT to go after them in any capacity.

You don’t win battles of ideas with bullying.

[brownthrussy]

1-85

Wade you got me fucked up smfh jk

1.) Are looks important in a relationship?:To some extent yes, since its kinda a attention grabbed. Eventually the personality is what becomes more important.

2.) Are relationships ever worth it?:Most are, as long as they’re healthy, but some are better off ending.

3.) Are you a virgin?:I hope my mom doesn’t see, but no. If my mom ever sees this then hell yeah I am lmao.

4.) Are you in a relationship?:Surprisingly yes

5.) Are you in love?:Considering my lack of love interests and mainly unhealthy relationships surrounding me, its hard to tell for myself but I believe I am yeah

6.) Are you single this year?:Jeez I hope not lol

7.) Can you commit to one person?:Yes.8.) Describe your crush:Hmm normal lenght hair, dark eyes, average height and thicc

9.) Describe your perfect mate:Sounds similar to 8 but I guess someone I can be comfortable and relate with.

10.) Do you believe in love at first sight?:No lmao im pretty sure thats a crush.

11.) Do you ever want to get married?:It’d be nice someday so sure lol

12.) Do you forgive betrayal?:Depends on the situation and how the person thats asking for forgiveness acts. If they learned their lesson and understand what they did wrong then I could forgive possibly but if not then no.

13.) Do you get jealous easy?:No lol its cause im bad at taking hints so I cant tell when someones hitting on me or el bae

14.) Do you have a crush on anyone?: Mi novio lol

15.) Do you have any piercings?:Nope lol

16.) Do you have any tattoos?:Nah lol

17.) Do you like kissing in public?:Nah lol i dont like being the center of attention

ERROR: 18 and 19 DOESN’T FUCKING EXIST??

.

20.) Do you shower everyday?:Si

21.) Do you think someone has feelings for you?: Well I hope my bf likes me lmao

22.) Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?: hmm its possible so sure lol

23.) Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?: Well i’ve been doing it so yeah lol

.

24.) Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?: i don’t think so but hey who knows what future me will do lol

25.) Do you want to be in a relationship this year?: i want to keep it so yes lol

26.) Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?: Si

27.) Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?: Not that I know of lol

28.) Have you ever been cheated on?: Officially no, but I had a few suspicions from my ex so it wouldn’t surprise me

29.) Have you ever cheated on someone?: No

30.) Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?: I’m ok really lol

31.) Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?: lmfao yes sadly.

32.) Have you ever experienced unrequited love?: Yeah. With my “ex”, we weren’t officially in a relationship we were just dating.

33.) Have you ever had sex with a man?: no homo but yeah lol

34.) Have you ever had sex with a woman?: tbh i just don’t support that lifestyle… i have straight friends tho so es cool

35.) Have you ever kissed someone older than you?: si

36.) Have you ever liked one of your best friends?: Nah lol I love them in a platonic way

37.) Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? No lol

38.) Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Yeah lifes pretty wild

39.) Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?: yeah lmao its terrible 0/10 would not recommend

40.) Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? No im not an artistic person

41.) Have you had sex sex so far this year? Si but im staying a virgin til marriage

42.) How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? Depends on the mood I guess???

43.) How long was your longest relationship? Lmao the current one so almost a year!

44.) How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? 1 lol

45.) How many people did you kiss in 2011? Lmfao 0 I was an awkward disaster back then. Now i’m slightly less but with a better fashion sense.

46.) How many times did you have sex last year? Idk I wasnt counting lol but life fucked me over alot so that counts too right?

47.) How old are you? Believe it or not, but i’m 21 lol

48.) If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? Well rip my relationship then but it’d be something like “she ain’t ugly but she ain’t me”

49.) If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? Hmm I like the attentiveness and los jokes

50.) If your first true love knocked on your door with an apology and presents, would you accept? If its just forgiveness then probably yeah. Regardless im taking the presents tbh as compensation

51.) Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for? Yes

52.) Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Nah they usually leave me first before I can say im done

53.) Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? No lol my business is my own

54.) Is there someone you will never forget? My ex and former close friends tbh

55.) Share a relationship story: well we went to olive garden cause I had never gone. So I was feeling like a rich white woman cause it looked fancy and the waited asked if he could toss the salad for us. My stupid ass thought he either meant in a sex term or literally flipping it. Guess what I mentioned out loud. So homeboy leaves and I realize I can never return here without realizing that i assumed that the waiter wanted a fucking threesome because I spend too much time looking at memes smh. Oh and he spilled drinks on the people next to us including this lady and her phone so guess who got tipped good cause id die if i were in his position smh. Moral of the story is this is why I shouldnt go out

56.) State 8 facts about your body: I have a fat stomach, yet skinny arms and legs lol, i got a birthmark by my right shoulder that looks like hawaii apparently, if one hand moves the other tends to attempt to do the same thing, i got my apendix removed, theres a scar from said surgery on it, I barely have body hair but it grows quick, i accidently stabbed myself with a led pencil. The led remains up to today

57.) Things you want to say to an ex: Someone is contradicting themselves lmao sorry for not being what you wanted but you could’ve treated me like a decent human being. But I guess im unreasonable for wanting trust and communication lol oh well

58.) What are five ways to win your heart?: food, pokemon, more video games, trying ya best and being direct with one another.

59.) What do you look like? (post a picture!): so like do i post a new selfie in a seperate post or???? Eh ill do that later

60.) What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners? 6-7 years 😥 lol

61.) What is the first thing you notice in someone? How they react to situations lol says alot as a first perspective

62.) What is the sexiest thing someone has done for/ to you? Bought me food 😍

63.) What is your definition of having sex? Well it involves a penis usually afjvhadaish

64.) What is your definition of cheating? Well besides doing it physically, by lying to your S/O about not seeing anyone else and talking to others with the intention of cheating

65.) What is your favorite foreplay routine? Loving jesus

66.) What is your favorite roleplay? Reading the bible together.

67.) What is your idea of the perfect date? It involves eating, going out doing anything since anything can be fun if you’re with the right person. If it gets everything that is stressful about life and makes it seem irrelevant at the moment then this is the moment

68.) What is your sexual orientation? No homo but men are ok. So un homosexual

69.) What turns you off? Well acting like a child or being rude and dismissive.

70.) What turns you on? Communication and trust can I get an amen

71.) What was your kinkiest wet dream? Ok so there I am in battle wearing regular armor but with channel boots and I destroy my enemies by walking on them since they wronged me. There’s also lesbians.

72.) What worlds do you like to hear during sex? Are you feeling it now, Mr.Krabs???

73.) What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you? Anything really, its mainly the thought that matters

74.) What’s the most superficial characteristic that you look for? Hmm facial features and eyes lol

75.) What’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for you? Gave me the pink power ranger pop lol my girl

76.) What’s the sweetest thing you have ever done for someone? I gave a rare pop as a gift for christmas. It cost $50 lmfao

77.) What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships? As long as its legal and consensual then its alright

78.) What’s your dirtiest secret? Dont got any lol not any that come to mind atleast

79.) When was the last time you felt jealous? Why? Idk middle school lol crush had the nerve to talk to someone that wasnt me smh. Im glad i grew up and learned

80.) When was the last time you told someone you loved them? Whenever I see my best friend and hes about to do some dumb shit

81.) Who are five people you find attractive? So is this like from tumblr or anywhere?. Hmm theres mi novio, my best friend and fuck it like 3 of my mutuals lmao i almost tagged em

82.) Who is the last person you hugged? My younger sister

83.) Who was your first kiss? An old friend lol we dont talk no more

84.) Why did your last relationship fail? I have no idea. My ex was like “i gotta be alone” then pulled the “we’re different” card. And I figured it was both until my friend showed me that he was on tinder with an updated bio and photos that he had sent to me initially. So I guess ill never know lol

85.) Would you ever date someone off of the internet? Yeah why not lol if the connection is there

[seokjinchuriki]

82 Truths

rules: once you’ve been tagged you’re supposed to write a post with eighty-two truths and then tag twenty-five people.

tagged by the lovely @mochiminii thanks honey WARNING: yo this gonna be long af so like feel free to ignore/skip

name: linh blood type: i don’t know, so i’m just going to say gold nickname(s): rin, log r/s: dating park jimin. nahhh, single and don’t want to mingle. zodiac sign: taurus pronouns: she/her favorite tv shows: fixer upper, triple d (with guy fieri), kitchen nightmares, and iron chef long or short hair: to my shoulders height: 165cm do you have a crush on someone: park jimin what do you like about yourself: my love for food and my heart of golf right or left handed: right handed list of three favourite colors: black, gray, and white

right now: eating: cheesecake w/ strawberry syrup drinking: soy milk i’m about to: shower for like an hour listening to: btob - movie on Mnet kids: probably never get married: i’d hope so career: as a pharmacist or the proud owner of a dog cafe

most recent: drink: soy milk from a box phone call: my dad bc his car ran out of battery song you listened to: do u dirty by kehlani

have you ever: dated someone twice: yes i have, i was a naive little shit been cheated on: yes lmao, still was a naive little shit kissed someone and regretted it: i suppose so lost someone special: unfortunately yes been depressed: yeah been drunk and thrown up: i’m always the designated driver™ kissed a stranger: ew stranger danger had glasses or contacts: i wear glasses and i look damn good in them

had sex on the first date: nope nope ( i don’t know why there are large ass spaces ™)

broken someone’s heart: noo i dont have the heart to do so turned someone down: i don’t have the heart to do so cried when someone died: yeah, for someone i was really really close to fallen for a friend: i guess

in the last year have you: made a new friend: yep! fallen out of love: no how could you fall out of love with park jimin?? laughed until you cried: i laugh all the time at my own damn jokes met someone who changed you: yeah i guess found out who your true friends were: yeah found out someone was talking about you: i literally dont care kissed someone on your fb list: lmao no

which is better: lips or eyes: eyes but have you seen park jimins lips??? hugs or kisses: hugs. i love hugs shorter or taller: taller romantic or spontaneous: both pls sensitive or loud: a good balance hookup or relationship: relationship troublemaker or hesitant: good balance

first: best friend: my old guinea pig surgery: none sport i joined: tennis vacation: the philippines

do you believe in: yourself: sometimes miracles: a little? love at first sight: not really heaven: feels like only hell exists sometimes

extras: how many people from your fb list do you know irl: a lot i guess do you have any pets: yes, my boy King Mickey™ do you want to change your name: nah i like my name what did you do for your last birthday: ate three cakes what time did you wake up today: 10:43 am what were you doing last night at midnight: laughing at my shitpost something you can’t wait for: for jimin to buy me a Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise last time you saw your mom: just now what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: nothing, i like it rn have you ever talked to a person named tom: yeah what’s getting on your nerves: rude and ignorant people

i tag: @tr4sh-s0ci3ty @parkjiminbiased @emjooni @hipsterminseok (sorry if you guys have done this already) and whoever else wants to do it!

[jelly-omelette]

4.1.2020

so i’m kind of excited to be moving on with my life in terms of processing my emotions. i didn’t even realize it but i’ve been shutting them out for probably like the past year ever since liezl, i want to say. it’s been really hard, trying to keep to myself, act like i’m alright even when i’m not, just to get through the day and make it easier to get through mundane obligations. but recently, especially with all this time to myself to reflect, i’ve been watching a lot of shows, and feel good by mae martin particularly inspired me to think about what truly matters to me and to just live my truth. talking to my dad, even though harsh, at least gave me an answer on how he views things and how much lack of perspective he has, and i felt i was able to be a bit more at peace with myself knowing that i am not responsible for his stupidity and bigotry. and to know that his bigotry is fueled by his own unhappiness and self hatred from his own marriage makes it somewhat less terrifying? but also like it’s still really shitty that he expressed strong regret for getting married and having kids.... smfh. idk what my mom would do if she heard this. but anyway, moving on, i felt rly shitty but i felt lighter after that talk. i appreciated his emotional honesty despite how terrible it was. then, i started thinking about my relationship with my first girlfriend (they go by they/them now), and i reached out to her, sorry *they, and caught up with them which was really nice. we made amends and i apologized for some stuff i felt shitty about and it was nice to let that go, and they apologized as well and hooked me up w/ some connections and is gonna help me get experience working on film gigs in the future. so i’m really excited about that because i have been constantly thinking about pursuing that industry and leaving the tech world so i can finally express my artistic side in my everyday work. i feel like i’m finally making moves and getting opportunities to pursue what i think will truly make me happy and more at peace with myself and my truth. opening up has finally allowed me to process some negative emotions that i’ve been stuck on and to continue rebuilding and working on my self esteem, which is in fact a lot lower than i would like it to be. i’m realizing truths about myself and giving myself validity and valuing my own thoughts which allows me to own who i am and go about my day confidently. it’s giving me more stability. i still feel anxious when i’m in new environments and have to interact with people, but i’m starting to realize that i don’t have to address everybody, i don’t need to please everybody or worry about what they’re thinking of me. i can just be me, and continue on. that’s so empowering. i’m thankful for the time that the pandemic sheltering has allowed me, because i don’t think i’d be able to reflect and build up the courage to have those discussions with my dad and my ex when i’m constantly exhausted from working 8 hrs a day and driving in traffic 2 hrs a day... leaves me with almost little to no time at all for myself, which i just end up consuming by watching television anyway. this is such a nice change, tbh. i’m also having good conversations with my friends, been thinking about therapy, and also am happy bc my favorite coworker gave me his number so i could ask him for advice. he feels like the dad i always wish that i had, and i really look up to him; he’s so smart, too, and i feel so lucky to be able to work with and be mentored by someone who isn’t condescending, is patient, and really articulate and willing to share his plethora of knowledge. i’m starting to believe in kindness and love. it sounds strange, but i always doubted/rejected any words of affection from people because my bitterness didn’t allow me to accept the possibility that there are people who love and care about me. i wasn’t able to let that in for a long time, and that’s just the way the my parents showed/didn’t show their affection. i’ve only been able to trust love through actions aka acts of service and quality time, not through verbal communication, so that’s something that’s new to me as well. another thing that i recently took on that i’m really excited about is being a moderator for the gaymer discord community; i submitted my application today so no guarantees of it actually happening, but the thought of committing to a role that involves conflict resolution is really empowering to me, because i don’t think i’ve ever taken an active role that requires/teaches conflict resolution skills. i think that’s something i’ve overlooked and something i have a lot of holes that need to be patched within, so i’m really looking forward to what i can learn from it to improve my own personal relationships and also just the ability to respect the boundaries drawn by others as well as myself. setting boundaries and being able to communicate verbally those boundaries and in general is not something i picked up from school or at home. probably the most perspective i have on those topics are from psychology videos on youtube, articles, instagram quotes, and my friend ray. i really was out of touch with how my body felt in terms of comfort and respecting the way that i felt. taking a step in the right direction, even if it’s small, is going to help me a lot in the long run. the thing i’ve always liked about the internet is the safety of being able to log off or remain anonymous. when you’re in an abusive household, you can’t just log off. you’re reminded of it at unpredictable times, and you don’t have any control over it when you’re a minor. so i blamed myself a lot as a child, which still carries into my self esteem today, and i got really good at tuning out the people and environment around me... which was good when i needed emotional stability, and really helped me focus on academia, but was a double edged sword because it made it hard for me to befriend people or actually listen to what people are saying. like i said, verbal communication was just so untrustworthy and had betrayed me many times, so i don’t comprehend dialogue as well as i might have if i didn’t experience it the way i did. something i thought of in the shower was, “the solution isn’t always clear, but if the goal is, you’ll find your way through”. with that said, my goals are: 1) pursue a more artistic career 2) get better at verbal communication and vulnerability; accepting and believing that i am loved and worthy of it 3) to not be so hard on myself, to not take responsibility for my parent’s hatred and bigotry and unhappiness; to reserve the compassion i have for other people enough for myself to feel safe and happy; limiting what i do so that i still have time for myself at the end of the day to process emotions and reflect; to give myself space to be truthful and not feel obligated to label my sexuality/gender

[celestialallstars]

Episode #10: “everyone hates me so its good thing its mutual i guess” - Bryce

Welcome to the bottom Jared xoxo

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There’s no way I could ever feel less like an all star than I do right now

Honestly? I don't regret voting for Matt still. Would it have been smarter to just vote Mitch? Sure, but I wanted to have faith and it just didnt work out, that's ok. What I will say is that Bryce/Rhys/Zach all kind of showed themselves at this vote and while I won't act on it now, I won't forget either! Now I am just gonna try to make Bryce feel like he is in a powerful spot and then go with it!

I think what I'll try to do now is talk with Jack a little more. If I make him feel too comfy around me, it'll lessen the odds of him wanting me out as soon. Right now, I also need to try talking with Chloe a little more in general just to use it to get her to want to vote with us again. As for Michael/Rhys, I'm gonna have to put on my acting skills because they are now an obvious pair that needs to be split.- I don't care who goes first between them. Actually no, I prefer Rhys. I know Bryce, Zach, and Loris wouldn't vote me just yet, but I want to ensure Jared/Stephen's safety and now that I know how some people are going to be, it just makes it easier for me to know who to focus on.

________________________________________________________________

I realized that my biggest gripe with this from Bryce is that two tribals ago we literally threw a challenge to ensure his safety and so knowing he was so quick to do this and that Zach was so willing to follow suit kinda felt like a slap in the face of the work put into that. I did not mind if he felt like he wanted to flip, but like he pretty much ignored everything I and I'm sure others were trying to say. The thing is, Bryce goofed because knowing he intentionally wanted to do Mitch before the challenge was over sucks more, but it also hinders argument he made. To make all of these valid points and him to go "well, im gonna do Mitch anyways" it didn't make sense unless it was his intention all along. What him and Rhys have done is sure, have a move to put on their resumes, but also show their cards so early that it gives PLENTY of reason to use against them later. So you know what, I'm gonna sit here and eat my food for now but save some leftovers.

Me being on the right side of a vote??? It’s more likely than you think. MAN that felt good, Matt stays once again and Mitch goes home, someone who wasn’t being honest with me. It shouldn’t have been that close and we got HELLA lucky Loris selfed but I’ll take it any way I can. Idk who flipped seems like chloe is the most likely culprit. But hey now I have some relations with Bryce Zach and Rhys! Also wasn’t Jared supposed to be in on this vote? Snaking me again smfh

After last night I feel 100% more comfortable in the tribe and for my future just because the lines seem to be constantly blurring and that’s gonna help me seep through the cracks of alliances to get further in the game and possibly the best thing is that people seem to be getting larger targets as the days go on which means I can hopefully make some power plays later on down the line but for right now I just need to keep talking to people and maybe get a few evil schemes going on getting in peoples heads teehee.

After asking me not to tell a soul, Jared has told Bryce of all people that Chloe flipped and its like well. She definitely is not gonna trust us now and Bryce has enough power as is. Its just like, a frustrating thing because we are already in the minority and have to rely on people who lied to us and now we are burning bridges like its London. I wont say its karma just yet but we had this coming. Meanwhile Matt is over here wanting me to swear to never vote him out. Alrighty cjnigo Montoya is in effect from here on out so I may play a little dirty

SO! Last night was a mess. Bryce, Zach, and Rhys went through with a plan to turn on the 8 because Mitch was scary or something. Now I know why God hates the gays. It's unfortunate but I'm not giving up. This is just proof that I need to work on my relationships with Jack, Matt, Michael, and Chloe since the 4 of them probably aren't going anywhere anytime soon.

I'm pretending that things are cool with Bryce though, so in the event that I can't target him any time soon, he's inclined to keep me around.

It's unfortunate but I don't really trust Zach at this point either. Him and Bryce mis-represented the situation to me which caused me to waste hours trying to convince them not to flip. But I knew it was a plan they came up with the night before so why were they pretending to still be on the fence, hm? Not a fan of having my time wasted. Zach should know better than anyone else on the cast that burning me like this doesn't end well.

Anyway, it's time to get to work on digging myself out of the hole I'm in.

Well Stephen just gave me a boatload of information. Apparently there was an alliance on Orfeo of Sharky, Michael, Drew, and Chloe. During the Kori vote obv Michael and Drew flipped to Matt, then Chloe joined aboard. So that group was a legit concern for people, and since Alyssa and I were connected to Michael Drew and Matt via Cyrena 2.0, we became targets. Suddenly this makes sense, and I was kind of right about an anti-Cyrena conspiracy because it was basically anti Cyrena 2.0 there. Sucks because we didn't do anything necessarily but oh well.

The problem is if they were an alliance... and we're concerned that Michael or Chloe flipped... why would they go against each other? So either Zach or Bryce actually flipped or Rhys did or Michael or Chloe did. IDK this whole thing is a mess and I don't know who is going to be voting with what this round but I'm not committed to anyone long term except for Matt really. We'll see what happens

So, last night I had all but convinced myself that voting for Mitch is the right move. Still, I was on call with Zach/Bryce to make a final plea. Unfortunately I was at work so I busy for 5 minutes and we got added to the tribal call.

Directly before and at the beginning of that call, for some reason I decided to clue Chloe in and try my best to convince her that voting Matt was best for her game. When I got busy I was 100% certain she had no interest in doing that. But, when I came back to my phone, this occurred:

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/613390015581519902/627137624561418250/Screenshot_20190927-094036_Discord.jpg

Now I'm in a bit of a mess because Bryce forced me to tell him who flipped and then realized that Chris knows 🤦‍♂️

everyone hates me so its good thing its mutual i guess KAHDFKJ

Today I am trying to feel hopeful! What I felt needed to happen, along with my closer allies, is that we get Bryce/Zach and such wanting to target Michael or Matt. After being successful, we'd possibly label them as playing the middle and use it to get people for targeting them. Whether or not we actually vote them out can be debated, however, this can go a long way. Now, yesterday, I talked with Matt and Jack and honestly? I found I prefer them over Michael and Chloe possibly. I think for me, I talked more consistently with Michael/Chloe, but I am here to try new things and perhaps it can help in the long run given Matt/Jack can be targeted just as much as Michael/Chloe. Even better, Bryce apparently is focused on getting Michael out, and since me and Steph have been talking to Matt/Jack I think getting Michael voted could open the door for us more than voting Matt out. Rhys/Chloe will probably have a problem with this but they'll live I suppose

________________________________________________________________

So the plan now is to do Matt and I've taken it upon myself to talk to Michael, Chloe, and Rhys. Michael seemed cordial as did Chloe, and I think I actually had Rhys thinking I thought no bad thing in regards to his antics, but Chloe went from saying she hadn't heard any name at all, to me telling her I heard Matt, to her saying she thinks Matt is the solid plan for the night in like 20 minutes max? I guess it helps to know that she was lying lol

So like ya I think I'm kinda fucked. If you're not gay or friends with a few select people , you're definitely on the outs and it's really annoying. I know my game is trash but still lemme be somewhat bitter for goodness sake! It's very clear anyone who was on cyrena 1.0/2.0 is in danger on the bottom, which is super dumb cause it's literally just circumstantial but hey I can't do anything bout it. I'm over these people and want to slap them out of the game. So fake and I'm just awaiting my death honestly.time to off myself!!!1!!1

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Could be my final confessional LOL

im frustrated but i def am just over thinking it i suppose.

So, this vote I’m trying to lay low. I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m in the middle. So laying low may not be an option. Matt wants me to keep him, but the old 7 wants me to vote with them so ahhh. Idk what to do.

SO I have no idea who is actually on board but at the very least I have come up with a plan to save Matt. Chloe and Michael seem to be stirring shit up and Chris has caught on to it, and Stephen is being dragged down as a result. So, me Matt Rhys Zach Bryce plus Chris and Stephen make this a 7-4 vote against ideally Chloe, so that Michael would feel like he has to come back to us. Hopefully. If not no big deal that's a solid majority for this vote. I'm only really thinking 1 vote at a time because I know that this is a really fluid situation and people probably aren't gonna want to stick to things for too long, so as long as I can just work round by round I'll be okay. But hopefully this works and we get at least 6 to keep Matty here another round.

Last round I voted Matt. The round before I voted Matt. People keep telling me to vote Matt even though it’s one of the last things I want to do. And somehow I keep getting fucked over. I’ve never wanted to vote Matt. I adore Matt. I love him with my entire heart. He’s being done dirty. I hate this cast. Fuck them all. Idk why I didn’t trust my gut and vote Mitch last round. I let a man cloud my judgment. The dumbest thing I’ve done all season

OHH AH OOH AH. I'm so fucking nervous and like ahhhhh my name is out there so i just have to hope and pray, if i can just survive this one round i know Jared is gonna take shots at big players like Bryce and Zach and hopfully we can start setting players against one another. i just need to survive this one round just need to survive.

Today I did dip my hand into the jar of chaos. I told Jack about the weirdness from Michael and Chloe and it slipped about Betty White and so one thing led to another and he and Matt want to target Michael and Chloe, which really, my goal was to just get them off of Stephen if he was on there. Now when this vote does not happen, I sadly think I'm gonna have to pass it off as not having the numbers but trying. Honestly? If we had the numbers, I'd be willing to do it, but since we cannot I believe after this tribal, it is best I talk with Jack on how to lie low but try to pull the numbers from underneath people. Jared wants to work with Jack at least but right now? We need Rhys gone after this or else our odds sink down.

hi! <3 It’s day 23! ummm... wow I’m so happy I’ve made it this far like... if I survive one more round I’ll have officially outlasted half of the people in the cast and like for my first all star season like... I’ll be so proud of myself for doing that that’s so cool..... as for this round umm I think the vote is between matt and Chloe? I have literally no clue what is going on but all I know is that I need to start turning on people soon. like. Bryce Rhys and Zach have the right to turn on mitch... surely I can do the same... idk the way the game is going I just don’t think there’s a world I win in against some people and though I don’t have an idol this time... I’m gonna try n make moves to get the power players out. I just have to make sure that the people I don’t talk to leave so that I’m only left with people that want to work with me. I’m a clown I’m literally gonna leave tonight or something how embarrassing.

As the hours tick on the more nervous I get. Everyone I’ve talked to says that Matts the vote but everytime we try and vote the bitch he seems to just weasel his way through the cracks and survives so I’m really nervous tonight but hopefully things go my way. I can only hope that my allies stay true. It’ll be absolutely TRAGIC to not at least tie my previous placement when the bars so fucking low. I just don’t wanna go even tho this game is not going the best for me.

so i'm either leaving or staying. I'm for sure getting some votes tonight and we are hopefully not getting enough to kick me out or an idol being played. I've worked my butt off these past few hours to get a majority on chloe, who has been deemed by both sides as playing the middle, and not playing it well at all. if it works, hooray for me cause i still get to stay even longer. if not and i go home, i know ive fought my ass off to stay here and should be proud. Watch me leave basically unan LOL but still, ik i should be proud. I've wiped the bbq sauce off my tiddies and ate it for BWEAKFAST. that is all

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Matt is voted out 8-3. He becomes the second member of our jury.

Watch Matt’s exit interview take place below:

[sabrinathejellyfishhh]

ANNNNND i’m back.

 Im not gonna talk about my relationship today because surprisingly its turning around for the better!? yea who woulda thought?? 

today im talking about all of the other issues in my life causing me to feel like im falling down this never ending black hole. Its sooooo annoying how i was able to do stuff that I wanted for so long to where I cant really do the same stuff i wanna do now... No one is to blame but myself, I guess I was really THAT desperate for attention and THAT unhappy with myself that i let my future be compromised by a few stupid mistakes. As cliche as it sounds, I really do wish I could go back in time and change a lot of things. Including last weekend where i blew over 1k in less than 2 days. SMFH im so mad at myself. I KNEW i had things to pay off but i was so excited to have so much $ that i chose to “forget” about it.. God keeps sending me answers to my prayers yet i keep ignoring them and asking him to send more blessings my way. Never ever ever take him for granted. i feel so stupid that i did. smfh smfh

but on a positive note, I can feel the bad energy shifting into good energy in my relationship. I’m starting to feel like how i USED to feel, The only problem is that -that feeling never should’ve gone away.

[wonderlust-wonderstruck]

I don't know if you're sleeping or not and if you are, I'm sorry that you're about to wake up to this long ass message but I'm not even 100% sure you're even going to text back. Regardless, I have a lot on my mind and I don't even know where to begin. It wasn't my intention to end things the way they were. To be honest, I was expecting a little more fight out of you and there wasn't anything other than "smfh" and that just hurt so bad and pushed me way over the edge. After a while of separation and clarity, I mean I get it now. Whatever your reasoning my be, you and I just were not on the same page. And never will be, no matter how desperately I try. And that's okay. Today, my mom was arrested and sent to jail for domestic abuse against me after a huge verbal fight that turned physical real fast. I don't know if our relationship will ever be the same or if my mom and I can ever repair it but I've realized that sometimes things can't be fixed and that's okay. And that's why I wanted to talk to you. I had a great time with you and doing whatever it was we were doing and I learned a lot from it-- I hope you did too. I don't know where your feelings are for any of this and you may not even care, but I felt like something had to be said. I really don't like being on bad terms with people, especially people that I care so deeply for. I think you're a great guy and friend and you deserve really amazing things, I just don't think we can do that for each other. I just want to move on from the whole situation and I know you ought to be feeling the same way.

Dear Eric, I never thought I would get over you but I did / texts I sent pt 1