#i hate how ill probably lose a lot of family if i ever decide to experiment let alone come out

[fishybehavior]

I'm at a point in life where i need to somehow laugh about the shit in my l8fe or I'm just going to start crying

[djarinbarnes]

me recordarás - three

･ ⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･

Pairings: Javier Peña x female reader

Rating: Mature - explicit themes

Word count: 3.1k

Summary: summer has come to an end. you find yourself thrown into a whirlwind of emotions, difficult choices and more adversity, like you’d never believed possible. someone is there to pull you out of it - but it’s not someone you’d ever imagined.

a/n: … I'm sorry for the wait on this chapter.  I had no idea what direction I was going to bring this in. I feel like I have a good idea of it now. I hope you don’t hate me for this.

SERIES MASTERLIST

Read it on ao3 here

previous chapter

･ ⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･ ⠄⠂⋆ ･

Javi doesn’t know how long he’s been waiting. The plane should’ve been taking off at three, and now it’s nearing five. His knee was bouncing, foot unsteady against the tattered carpet of the airport floor. He looked down at his brown leather boots, a stark contrast to the navy carpet littered with purple streaks.

It’s not a secret - not that anyone knows him here, but Javi’s never felt this way before. It’s an unsettling feeling, and it sends chills down his spine. He feels it as a tingle in his fingers, as a twitch in his lip. He’s nervous. Well, nervous was probably not the right word to use in this situation. He was scared.

Javi can’t even remember a time where he actually felt scared before. It was always something else when something was new to him or nagging at his mind. Even that one time where Steve had been kidnapped, he didn’t even feel scared. Not for himself, not for Connie, not even for Steve. He just wondered how in the world Steve could allow such a thing to happen.

Javi wasn’t scared on his own behalf, though. He was scared on your behalf. It was an odd feeling, but it just confirmed his suspicions - he loved you. Not just superficially - he felt it in his nerves, in the tingle of his fingers, in the twitch of his mustache.

He was feeling so many emotions at once, spanning from desperately wanting to protect you to wanting to

There was a time in his life where he didn’t even know if he was capable of loving someone. And yet here he was, getting on a plane to see a woman he loved in another country. Well, his home country, yet a place where he never felt like he belonged.

He did have his history there, of course, spanning from his early days at university and his escapades up until he met Lorraine, who’d actually been interested in him since the first day she met him at uni.

He was two years older than her, and that’s probably why she was so intrigued by him. She heard the stories, of course, yet she looked past everything once Javi finally got eyes for her as well. They dated for a few years before Javi finally fell on one knee, and he could still recollect the feeling he had inside when Lorraine had said yes.

Javi had always felt like he could never impress his parents, even though he managed to get through university with better grades than anticipated, and when he decided that he was going through with becoming a deputy sheriff, his mother had only nodded, while his father had given him a pat on the back.

They were always more excited for his older sister, three years older, and progressively more successful than him. She married a lawyer at 19, they had their first child shortly after. At that time, Javi didn’t even care about fucking with the same girl twice. His sister graduated with flying colors, and made a good career for herself, all while maintaining a healthy family.

Javi hated it. He hated the nagging feeling of jealousy.

He loathed the Thanksgivings, the Christmases and the vacations that turned fewer and fewer over the years. He only showed up at family gatherings because of his niece and nephew. They were a lot easier to impress - and they were genuinely interested in his line of work, to no ones surprise.

His mother fell ill shortly after Christmas 82’, and she died the following spring. Javi knew he had to feel sad - it was awful losing a parent - yet he couldn’t find it within himself to cry. He didn’t cry at her funeral, or when they lowered her casket into the ground.

All Javi did was watch. His sister has simply hugged him, as it was just what he needed. She never judged him like their parents did. Lorraine held his hand as they walked back to their car, the whole drive home and the following days. She let him mourn in his own way, and he loved her for it.

Yes - Javi loved Lorraine like he’d never loved anyone before. But like everything else in Javi’s life, it fell apart. All it took was one snow storm, and Javi had lost Lorraine as well. The timing couldn’t have been any worse, but Javi knew it was coming.

After more than eight years together, a crushed dream of creating a family together and falling out of love, it was over. And Javi knew he had to feel some kind of remorse, yet it didn’t happen. And he finally sought out a new possibility, since he left nothing meaningful behind in America.

That’s how he ended up in Colombia, at the DEA, in Bogota, and ultimately with you. He guesses he should’ve seen it coming - there were always beautiful women wandering around the streets of the warm country, and he’d seen many of them in the ten years he’d been living in the republic.

He recalled your laugh, the way your eyes would search his with no end, trying to find something in the depths of them. He recalled the feeling of your fingers between his as he held your hand, and he caught his gaze looking at the empty space between them now.

Goosebumps rise on his neck as he feels your fingers threading through the short hairs there, the way they would intertwine in the locks as he kissed your lips with ferocity. He remembers how your fingers tightened in the hairs on the crown of his head that first time he’d made love to you.

He sees you in front of him - your expression wonderfully blissed out like the many time he’s watched you as he thrusted into you, and he swears he can feel you clench around him - even though it’s just a mirage. It’s funny how he imagines it, feels it , even though he hadn’t felt it in months.

He swears he hears your moan as well. The sweet sounds of you has lodged themselves in the back of his mind, coming to nag at him at any given moment, if he was the tiniest amount of bored. His fist has never been this occupied, and he loathes it. Loathes that he can’t lay with you, fill you, be close to you.

This kind of romance was simply not what he’d expected when he’d first laid his eyes on you at the bar, on your first night. He hadn’t been with anyone else since you - he simply didn’t want to. He was too caught up in the thought of you, and too caught up in his work. It was weird - it’d been years since he felt this way. He hadn’t felt like this since Lorraine.

Yet, he felt awful, though. He could still hear how your mother had berated him on the phone when she told him of your situation. His heart still sunk deeper into his chest with regret every time he thought of it, thought of how you were feeling.

He felt saddened that he had to hear it from her instead of you - that was what you wanted to tell him face to face. He didn’t even know if you knew that your mother had called him, but he wanted to give you the opportunity to tell him yourself.

He didn’t understand why he hadn’t heard from you since, though. He’d tried calling you countless times, yet he was met with a tone that let him know your line was occupied. It killed him, and it felt like you were actively ignoring him. He wanted nothing more than to get to you. Yet you felt so far away.

He heard the number of his flight being called and with a deep sigh he finally rose from his seat, his ass feeling numb and cold from the firm stool he’d been on/off sitting on for the past three hours. His steps felt heavy, like his feet were casted from concrete, as he walked through the gate and onto the plane that would take him to you.  

He couldn’t wait to get there. To you. Finally.

The fluorescent lights were hurting Eddie’s eyes as he sat in the waiting room. His knees were bouncing, the cup of coffee in his hand turning cold. He hadn’t even drunk from the cup. He was too worried about you.

He had watched the sun rise on the horizon from where he was seated in the waiting room. He always enjoyed watching the sunrise - yet today it was different. He knew everything had changed. Nothing was ever going to be the same, no matter how hard anyone tried.

He knew you wouldn’t be yourself again in the near future. He was mentally preparing himself for the person you might be once you woke up, the underlying possibility that you would be a mere shell of the person you once were.

How does anyone heal from a loss like this? Eddie knew your family was religious, yet he also knew your take on said religion. Eddie knew of your opinion on abortion and healthcare, and that was one of the factors that calmed him of the whole situation.

Yes, this was definitely different. But you’d said it yourself - you didn’t even know if you wanted to keep the baby. Eddie knew you’d wanted to make the choice yourself - this time you just weren’t that lucky. He felt the presence of someone beside him, and he looked to find a white lab coat.

“Is this her first pregnancy?”

Eddie looked fully at the doctor, now sitting beside him, clipboard in hand. He gave the doctor a short nod. “Yes.” Eddie finally manages to get a word out. He barely recognizes his own voice. It’s weak, yet very coarse. His throat feels dry like sandpaper.

“Alright. Has she been bleeding before this incident?” The doctor scribbles down Eddie’s answer as she speaks. He tries to recall every event of their day together, yet he doesn’t remember any blood at all during the day. He certainly wouldn’t have noticed, though, since you’re private about… that stuff .

“No. Not that I know of. Not today.” He remembers your disheveled state when he first knocked on your door a mere 24 hours earlier. He’d expected everything to be as it used to - your cheery personality was the reason he stayed at uni.

Yet there you were - eyes blank and lacking happiness and spark. Skin pale and somehow gray - hair dull and greasy. You looked like you lost a lot of weight as well. He barely recognized you.

“How has she been feeling today?”

“She was all cold and clammy when I came to her apartment around noon. I’ve been unable to get in contact with her, so I went to her place.” Eddie feels a tear trickling out of his eye. “She… Hasn’t been eating. She’s been trying to hide her pain from me, but I noticed.” The doctor nods and scribbles short key points onto the paper on the clipboard.

“How old is she?” The doctor asks and Eddie tells her your age. He looks straight into the paper cup, watching his slightly distorted face in the dark brown liquid.

“Are you the father?”

Eddie feels his breath hitch and his heart drop slightly. If only he was. “No, I’m not.”

“Okay. We’ll make sure to keep you updated. Please, treat yourself to a warm cup of coffee.” The doctor leaves Eddie, and he sighs. He had no idea what to do. Who to call. How to pass the time. If he had his sketchbook, he’d certainly drawn you. You were one of the things that gave him endless inspiration.

If you only knew how many drawings and sketches he’d done of you - your hands, your poses, your profile. You knew of it to some extent - he’d made you pose a few times. He kind of saw you as his muse - even though his feelings for you would never be reciprocated.

Eddie closed his eyes and laid his head back. He could vividly imagine you with a rounded belly. He knew you would be the perfect mother one day - that was just the kind of person you were. Full of love for others, just downright appreciating of everyone and everything.

You would be the perfect picture for him to draw - rounded belly, voluminous brea- no. Shut the fuck up Eddie’s mind. He rubs his eyes before drawing his jacket around his arms, trying to get a few hours of sleep, if his head let him.

“It’s probably nothing. Just a precaution.” You breathe through your nose, trying to calm yourself. Eddie stands beside you, truly hoping for a positive result. It’s all he ever wanted with you.

Those five minutes feel like the longest of his life. The two of you didn’t exactly time those five minutes, you just decided to eyeball it. It was a stupid idea, you realized after… yeah. you had no recollection of how much time had passed. Eddie held your hand as you waited together.

His mind wandered. To the instantaneous cry of a newborn, the soft cooing, the sound of knees and hands scurrying across hardwood floors, to soft footsteps padding along the latter. Eddie feels tears gathering in his eyes.  

You decided to just go with it and turn the test over.

A blazing, red line, next to the control line. Two lines in total. Pregnant.  

He suddenly feels dizzy, and he thanked the iron grip on the counter for keeping him upright. He watches as you stand there, taking in the result on the plastic stick. He watches a thousand thoughts and emotions pass behind your eyes, and he has a hard time reading you.

He watches as you try to breathe. In, out. In, out. In, out. You slowly turn your eyes to his, and he offers you a soft smile. “We’re going to be parents,” he breathes, his heart beating heavily against his ribcage. He wanted nothing more than this, ever since he kissed you for the first time. He’d never been so sure of anything in his life.

He sees your lip wobbling as realization sinks in, and you slide to the floor, settling against the cold tiles. Suddenly, the scenery is different. You’re still on the floor, yet you’re covered in blood. Your hands are stained dark red, just like the tiles beneath you. Your stomach is slightly rounded, yet there’s no trace of a baby.

“I’m sorry.” You breathe before your eyes close and your body slumps together lifelessly.

“Edward?” Eddie is shaken out how his nightmarish slumber gently, the same doctor kneeling right in front of him. “Hi,” The doctor watches as Eddie rubs his eyes, trying to rid the sleep and tears from the corners of them.

“Just Eddie, please.” He says as he sits up and straightens his back. He’s never felt this uncomfortable in his life. Eddie thinks that was his first nightmare. At least the first he can remember.

“She’s in recovery right now. It’ll probably be a few more hours until she wakes up from the anesthesia. I suggest you go home and get some proper sleep.” Eddie nods and watches as the doctor takes her leave. He needs to go back to your place and clean up before you come home.

Coming back to a bloody bed might not be appetizing to sleep in on the first night home. The vision of you crumpled up against the sink on the floor of your bathroom sends shivers down his spine. Eddie decides to walk the four miles back to your apartment to try and clear his head.

He’d forgotten what state the two of you had left your apartment in. When he unlocked your door and pushed it open, he’d expected a bloodbath. That’s how he remembered it. Yet there was a small pool of blood on the bed and a few drops along the floorboards.

The sun was high in the sky, the shadows along your floor short and very visible. The small crystal sun catcher hung by your window casts many, small reflective prismatic rainbow splatters along your walls. Eddie finally sees what you see in it.

It’s beautiful and calming. Just what Eddie needs at that moment. His mind keeps wandering back to the nightmare he had at the hospital. He can’t seem to forget the way you looked, the way you died. It hurts him way more than he thought possible.

Eddie sighs and puts your phone back on the housing, since he’d left it on the table. He grabbed the sheets on your bed and removed them, hoping to rid them of the red stains. Eddie barely notices how much time passes, and he’s startled by your phone ringing.

He decides to pick it up, and he hears your mother’s voice on the other end. “Finally, I’ve been trying to call you for days, you ungrateful brat! If you’d picked up your phone before, you’d know by now that we’re not going to pay for your apartment anymore.”

Eddie is taken aback with the tone and your mothers words, mouth agape and his heart thudding in his chest. He doesn’t manage to get a word out. “You need to be out by September. We’re very disappointed with you. Don’t bother calling us or come home.”  

Eddie drops the phone back to the housing, and sits down on your bed. How the fuck was he going to tell you this? He’d rather not. First everything happening, both this guy in Colombia draining your energy, then the whole baby thing happening and now your parents being complete shitheads in a time of need? Jesus.

September was a mere three weeks away. How the fuck were you ever going to get over this whole situation? He knew that if he were in your shoes, he would be agitated as fuck. Agitated and angry. No, not angry, mad. Mad as hell.

Eddie was agitated on your behalf right now. He felt like he didn’t fit into his own body. Like he wanted to crawl out of it. He heard a few short, hard knocks on your front door, and with the sheets still crumbled up in his arms, he went over to open your door.

To say he was shocked by the man on the other side of the door was an understatement. It’d been years since he’d last seen the man now in front of him. Needless to say, Eddie was speechless. Or, he managed to muster his voice as he breathed;

“Uncle Javi?”

[luxurybrownbarbie]

The monarchy is fucked. How was HARRY the first one to visit Charles since the diagnosis when he had to take a whole international flight and the others live miles away? And the fact that outside of Kate (who’s already said she’s cutting back for the next FIFTEEN YEARS to raise her kids) and William, every single working royal is over 75? Fucked, I say, fucked!

Harry better not get talked into going back to help out if all goes wrong. I don’t think he will but if he does, I hope Meghan leaves him.

(I literally hated when she said she was going to step back to raise her kids, like they don’t have nannies and jobs that take two hours a day, max.)

Okay so, as someone whose partner’s father who, much like Charles, was manipulative at his kindest and downright abusive at his worst, also died of cancer, I’m going to give Harry a lot of grace in this scenario.

As soon as a dying parent enters the ring, all normal plans tend to go out the window.

We have to remember that Harry lost his mother in a deeply traumatic way at a young age, so the loss of a parental figure is already a difficult thing for him to handle. On top of that, when Charles does eventually go, he and William will be orphans. No matter how toxic and estranged their fraternal relationship is, that’s something they will have to navigate together.

This situation is not going to be easy for either Meg or Harry. (I speak from experience.) Your partner losing their parent is probably one of the most significant losses you’ll ever face together, even without the added pressures of the British royal family. I hope they truly take the time to decide what’s right for them and their little family, and I hope Charles, Camilla, Will, and Kate don’t pressure or manipulate them into something they don’t want.

But it wouldn’t surprise me if Meg and Harry returned in an auxiliary capacity. It wouldn’t surprise me if they moved back to the UK for a period of time.

You’re right, there are barely any members under the age of 75 active right now, so there’s not a lot of options they have if they want to continue their “work”. They genuinely might need them, depending on how severe this illness is.

I hope neither of them make rash decisions, and I hope Meg makes a decision she can truly live with. I know she knows no matter what she does, she’ll get torn apart for it, so I hope she makes whatever choice brings her peace in the long run.

(Also Will has kind of visited Charles, but also his wife is allegedly in pretty terrible condition at the moment so I’m not going to begrudge him there.)

[fermeldahyde]

Harvard Decapolice headcanons because I'm having severe brain rot

Tw // Mentions of mental illness and truama

Harvard is genderfluid and uses he/she/they pronouns.

Identifies as queer in terms of sexuality (she doesn't really care about labels).

Harvard was born in Boston, Massachusetts.

They have a Bostonian accent

Is of Italian and Puerto Rican descent (Italian mother and Puerto Rican father).

She knows some Spanish and Italian from her mother.

Has PTSD from his mother's death and Bipolar II.

Because of this, he suffers from insomnia and nightmares.

They also get very irritable and have a lot of unresolved anger towards criminals regardless of the severity of the crime (I think this is just canon though lol).

Their father left when they were young so they were raised by a single mother. They really admire her because of it.

They weren't the best off financially, but his mother always tried to give him the happiest childhood she could.

Her mom was actually very supportive of her gender queerness. She found out because Harvard broke into her closet once to try on dresses and when caught, Harvard starting crying cause she felt guilty and said she was just "tired of wearing boy clothes all the time."

Soon after this, her mother took her out to buy some girl clothes and let her pick out enough clothes for 2 outfits.

They always loved their mom's cooking.

When his mom died, he became an orphan and grew up in the foster care system till he grew out of it.

Harvard loves makeup and fashion. It's one of her main hobbies, but it has been slowly waning due to her increased focus on avenging her mother.

They were initially teased in middle school because of this, but due to their stand-offish nature and intellect, people learned to shut up and mind their business.

In high school, they were actually considered pretty attractive with the ladies and men, but most didn't approach them cause they were scared. When they did, Harvard always rejected them cause they couldn't "waist their time on that crap." (And yet ironically, she ends up dating Carl in the future lol)

Has a soft side. She just wants to be loved and cared for, but due to trauma, she feels as if she "doesn't deserve it" and pushes people away with a cold and angry demeanor.

Acts confident (and is mostly), but has a lot of doubts that he hasn't unpacked yet.

Carl was one of the first people he truly cared for ever since his mother's death, but he has trouble expressing it because he's afraid he'll lose him as well.

The BPD has become a family for him over time.

Misae and Granger are kinda like parental figures to him almost. Granger especially becomes concerned at one point over Harvard's mental health.

He is besties with Manimani and they often banter and gossip with each other.

They also like to platonically joke flirt with each other.

He calls her Mani as a nickname.

He goes to her for relationship advice sometimes when he starts dating Carl (though he's embarrassed about it).

Bro is touched starved as hell, but he never expresses it.

He has a caffeine addiction.

She curses and says "fuck" regularly (average Bostonian).

I can't decide whether she really loves donuts or if she hates them, but keeps running into them in the virtual world.

She knows how to cook cause she had to provide for herself when she became an orphan.

I may add more later if I have anymore ideas. I'll probably do other characters (and ships) in the future too cause I have. A lot. Of headcanons.

[wtfxedenxx]

☆ —— look who’s joining the infinite tour! only SONG EDEN, who is the RHYTHM GUITARIST of TIDAL. i’ve heard whispers that the 28 year old is pretty FREETHINKING but lowkey SELF-INDULGENT. also, doesn’t he remind you of PARK SEONGHWA?

Hey whats up hello pals! It’s Emma (jooha, & danbi mun), once again bringing you my son, Eden. HERE’S a little pinterest board if you’re interested. Please show him some love and if you’d like to plot then like this post and I will come to you! :D

Little run down:

Eden grew up in New York with a single mother. He never met his dad and his mother didn’t like to talk about him much. Around his mother he liked to pretend it never bothered him since his life never felt like it was missing anything. but theres a part of him still hurt he’d walked out on them. 

His mother worked at a public library and when he wasn’t at school he was losing himself in the stacks of books while his mother worked or getting into a little trouble with friends. Life was easy. It was simple and he had no complaints.

Everything changed when his mother passed away due to illness when he was 9. Eden was forced to move to Seoul with his grandmother which he only really knew from speaking to her over the phone. Although he didn’t know her much, he took comfort in the stories she would tell him about his mother from when she was little.

When he was old enough, Eden would help his grandmother at her cafe after school. That’s where he was first found. Scouts had come in for a drink and took an interest in his good looks.

The idol life wasn’t something he’d dreamed of, but after watching his grandmother work endlessly day in and out he decided to try it out. He wanted to relieve some of the burden.

She got to see him debut but sadly passed away a few years after. That’s when he became a bit unhinged.

He no longer had any family or really any reason to work towards something. He became reckless. The once good boy that did everything he could for his family was gone. Drinking and drug use became a regular thing for him despite the consequences.

Tidbits:

group problem child. probably has had the most scandals. some true. some not.

undercover soft boy with a lot of feelings and doesnt know what to do with them

POOR COPING MECHANISMS !!

has a tendency to speak before thinking so dont be surprised if he accidentally offends you

also plays the piano. self taught

bi king

has a sweet tooth. always carrying around candy

lost track of how many tattoos he has. some piercings. 

can make the best coffee you’ve ever had

likes keeping active on the bands social media. often posting small tiktoks of him playing kinda like THIS 

loves writing. probably has a bunch of ideas written down on his arm when he cant find paper and is too dumb to remember he can put it in his phone notes

has a love for photography and capturing a fleeting moment before its gone. his favorites are polaroids 

dog person but not the kind that hates cats. cats are cool in his book

possible connections:

sneaky link, someone hes fake dating for pr, exes on good terms/bad terms, confidant, besties, drinking/smoking buddy, good influence. acting costar, fellow mcs, anything rly im open to all ideas!

[wtfxeden]

☆ —— look who’s joining the infinite tour! only SONG EDEN, who is the RHYTHM GUITARIST of TIDAL. i’ve heard whispers that the 28 year old is pretty FREETHINKING but lowkey SELF-INDULGENT. also, doesn’t he remind you of PARK SEONGHWA?

Hey whats up hello pals! It’s Emma ( jooha, & danbi mun), once again bringing you my son, Eden. HERE’S a little pinterest board if you’re interested. Please show him some love and if you’d like to plot then like this post and I will come to you! :D

Little run down:

Eden grew up in New York with a single mother. He never met his dad and his mother didn’t like to talk about him much. Around his mother he liked to pretend it never bothered him since his life never felt like it was missing anything. but theres a part of him still hurt he’d walked out on them. 

His mother worked at a public library and when he wasn’t at school he was losing himself in the stacks of books while his mother worked or getting into a little trouble with friends. Life was easy. It was simple and he had no complaints.

Everything changed when his mother passed away due to illness when he was 9. Eden was forced to move to Seoul with his grandmother which he only really knew from speaking to her over the phone. Although he didn’t know her much, he took comfort in the stories she would tell him about his mother from when she was little.

When he was old enough, Eden would help his grandmother at her cafe after school. That’s where he was first found. Scouts had come in for a drink and took an interest in his good looks.

The idol life wasn’t something he’d dreamed of, but after watching his grandmother work endlessly day in and out he decided to try it out. He wanted to relieve some of the burden.

She got to see him debut but sadly passed away a few years after. That’s when he became a bit unhinged.

He no longer had any family or really any reason to work towards something. He became reckless. The once good boy that did everything he could for his family was gone. Drinking and drug use became a regular thing for him despite the consequences.

Tidbits:

group problem child. probably has had the most scandals. some true. some not.

undercover soft boy with a lot of feelings and doesnt know what to do with them

POOR COPING MECHANISMS !!

has a tendency to speak before thinking so dont be surprised if he accidentally offends you

also plays the piano. self taught

bi king

has a sweet tooth. always carrying around candy

lost track of how many tattoos he has. some piercings. 

can make the best coffee you’ve ever had

likes keeping active on the bands social media. often posting small tiktoks of him playing kinda like THIS 

loves writing. probably has a bunch of ideas written down on his arm when he cant find paper and is too dumb to remember he can put it in his phone notes

has a love for photography and capturing a fleeting moment before its gone. his favorites are polaroids 

dog person but not the kind that hates cats. cats are cool in his book

possible connections:

sneaky link, someone hes fake dating for pr, exes on good terms/bad terms, confidant, besties, drinking/smoking buddy, good influence. acting costar, fellow mcs, anything rly im open to all ideas!

[spencers-renaissance]

you know that a boy who likes boys is a dead boy

Summary: Spencer's gay. He joins the BAU and befriends the team, but it is 2003. It's a secret he has to keep. He just didn't expect it to be this hard.

Tags: gay!spencer, coming out, hurt/comfort, insecure!spencer, misunderstandings, angst with a happy ending, dad hotch, protective!hotch, protective!derek, childhood trauma TW: one instance of explicit homophobia, but it is referenced a lot, as is Spencer's internalised homophobia at the start of this fic. A shit ton of heteronormativity but tbh that's just canon lol

Pairing: Spencer Reid/OMC, Spencer Reid & Derek Morgan, Spencer Reid & Aaron Hotchner, The BAU Team & Spencer Reid

Word Count: 6k

Masterlist // Read on AO3

Consider this my contribution to pride month 😌 I've waited so long to post it and I'm so glad I'm finally doing it because it's definitely one of my all time favourites <3 Gideon is here somewhere but just like with all my early season fics he's not really part of the plot I combined my moreid and gen taglists bc it was hard to know the audience for this, but just ignore it if you're not interested!

you know that a boy who likes boys is a dead boy, unless he keeps his mouth shut, which is what you didn’t do, because you are weak and hollow and it doesn’t matter anymore. — richard siken, a primer for the small weird loves

Spencer has only told one person in his whole life.

His mother guessed. For as long as he can remember, she’s used gender neutral pronouns when talking about his future partner, read him all the gay literature she could find, promised him that he’s perfect just the way he is.

The trouble is that Spencer only believes her until the first grade, when Ryan Sampson shoves him over in the playground and calls him gay. His mom had only ever used that term in a sweet, loving way, taking care to associate such words with positivity, as long as his dad wasn’t around to hear. When that word comes out of Ryan Sampson’s mouth, it is not said with sweetness and love; it is said with venom, and Spencer learns quickly that his mom is wrong. He is not perfect just the way he is.

And so, he keeps it a secret. When his mom notices him getting uncomfortable at the mention of future partners, she stops bringing it up, though she refuses to give up the diverse education she provides for him outside of school. His dad tells him that one day he’ll be a strapping young man and marry a nice girl in a church, and Spencer nods along. He ignores the way his stomach turns with anxiety at the thought. Ignores the screaming match his parents have that night. Ignores the fact that it started because Diana chipped in with ‘or boy’.

He’s in high school by the time he’s twelve, and the only part he’s grateful for is the absence of pressure to get a girlfriend. His dad’s out of the picture now, and Spencer tries not to let himself think that maybe if he wasn’t like this he might have stayed. Diana’s so out of it most days that she doesn’t remember what she noticed about him when he was a child, only recalling the last few years of shoving himself so far back in the closet he can hardly see the door anymore.

It feels like he’s lost his last ally.

(He hates that a small part of him feels relieved she doesn’t remember; that he almost feels assured by the fact that the last person to know who he really is has forgotten. There is only this version of Spencer Reid now. No other exists.)

He makes the mistake during his second undergraduate degree. He’s just turned eighteen but he is already a doctor and, fortunately, this alienates him from most of his peers, but someone manages to slide past his defences. Ethan Miller is twenty, in the second year of his (first) undergraduate degree in Chemical Engineering, and he’s nice. Spencer doesn’t have a lot of experience with friendship, but they get on well and Ethan makes him laugh. For the first time, he feels comfortable in the presence of anyone other than his mother.

They slip into an easy friendship: waiting for each other after class — Spencer back in the undergraduate buildings now he has his first PhD under his belt — and going out for ice cream and pizza and Thai food. Ethan goes to parties while Spencer studies, and then they reconvene to watch Doctor Who and play cards.

For almost a year, Spencer keeps his secret carefully locked up, hidden behind the mask he’s perfected after so many years. Even though he’s eighteen, nearly nineteen now, he doesn’t try and explore that side of himself. No, that’s far too risky. He doesn’t try and pretend any other way either, he just stays silent and lets people’s assumptions lie for him, but he can’t help the longing that claws up his throat when he locks eyes with a passing guy on campus. One time, he’d seen two men kiss on a bench in the city, and he’d run back to his dorm and had a panic attack. Why couldn’t he have that?

The feelings don’t stop, and he doesn’t know how to make them. He hates that he isn’t normal, but still longs for the touch of a man, the feeling of being wrapped up in strong arms, of being kissed by dry, chapped lips, and falling asleep to a heartbeat approximately 11% slower than that of a woman’s.

It’s a constant battle inside him, emotions raging, and he struggles to control it, suppress it, tame it.

He pays a sorry price.

Ethan makes him feel comfortable, and that turns out to be a detriment. He relaxes around the other boy: he tells him about growing up as a pre-teen in a high school, about how a child feels living 260 miles away from home, even about his mother’s illness.

And one day, it slips out. They’re on the beach, lying on towels as they look up at the blue sky, talking about what their futures will look like: Ethan will be a successful chemical engineer in Berlin, and Spencer will work for the FBI, profiling serial killers.

“You’ll have to marry a German girl,” he tells Ethan. “It’ll be tough to convince an American girl to move all the way to Germany as soon as you graduate.”

“Yeah, and what about you? You’ll be off fighting crime around the country, not much of a life for a family.”

“Oh, I imagine my husband will be the type to—”

“Husband?”

Spencer freezes. It shocks him as much as it shocks Ethan. He doesn’t even pay much attention to Ethan’s disgusted face and his outraged tirade. He hears slurs and insults, hears him say that he can’t believe Spencer tricked him like this, that he was probably waiting to make a move on him, that he was never to look in Ethan’s direction again, but Spencer is frozen in time.

He’s never allowed him to think much about what his personal life might look like in the future, but he’d said ‘husband’ on instinct, without thinking, and it’s clearly something he actually wants. Ethan’s words sting, but the moment brings about a realisation Spencer is thankful for; it instigates a journey of self-discovery and self-expression, of the joy of living as your true self.

He loses his first and only friend, but he gains something much more valuable. He visits gay bars — nervously sipping a non-alcoholic drink in the corner at first, before soon becoming confident enough to respond to the men who sidle up to him and ask for his name. He lets go and dances the night away, sometimes going home with one of the many dance partners he acquires during the night, sometimes heading back to his own dorm happily alone.

Makeup and dresses and skirts and heels make their way into his wardrobe, and he befriends girls and drag queens and other gay men who encourage him to be exactly the way he is. And the best part is, he never has to come out to any of them. All of them know, and that’s good enough for everyone.

The fun comes to a sad sort of slow, however, when he joins the BAU. Everyone knows law enforcement’s relationship with the LGBT community is less than adequate — Spencer’s seen it with his own eyes: butch lesbians and men in dresses getting roughed up by angry police officers for ‘lewd behaviour’ or ‘drunkenness’ when they’re just being themselves. It’s not safe for him to tell anyone, so he doesn’t.

He still goes out with his friends when he’s in town and wears makeup and dresses and crop tops when he’s at home, but presents as rigidly straight Dr Spencer Reid to his team at the BAU.

The hardest part about it is that he loves his team. He’s known Gideon for years — and he wouldn’t be surprised if he suspects something after coming over to his house unannounced one night, only to have a man other than Spencer open the door — but he settles into a comforting dynamic with Hotch. He can’t help but see him as something of a father figure, and he knows Hotch has a soft spot for him, always looking out for him and taking him under his wing without a moment’s hesitation.

Elle, JJ, and Penelope all take a shine to him, too, teasing him without a hint of malice in their tones, only the kind of playful kindness that reminds him of his mother. He forms a special bond with Penelope and they spend hours watching Doctor Who together and geeking out on all the areas their interests overlap, and the comfort he feels with her matches the comfort he’s found with his new group of queer friends.

(She doesn’t hold a candle to Ethan, he decides one night, after he’d cried at a movie she’d made him watch and she felt so bad she made him hot chocolate and jam toast and cuddled him until he felt better.)

Derek becomes a brother to him. He puts him in a headlock at least once a day — which Spencer has been reliably informed by multiple sources is a very brotherly thing to do — and teases him relentlessly, while simultaneously being fiercely protective of him. Enough so, that Spencer sometimes wonders if he even has Hotch beat in that department.

He loves his team and his team loves him. It should be simple. It is still 2003.

He comes in one morning late for a briefing, his shirt buttoned wrong and his hair is a mess, and he’s fairly sure that his attempt to cover the hickey at the base of his neck with concealer has been ultimately unsuccessful. It’s obvious why he’s late. Gideon is too engrossed in the case file to notice, but Hotch raises an eyebrow, an amused look on his face as everyone else immediately takes to teasing him.

“Who’s the lucky lady, pretty boy?”

Elle raises an eyebrow to match Derek’s shit-eating grin, “Someone definitely got some strange last night.”

“When do we get to meet her, Spence?” JJ asks, smirking as he takes a seat.

He’s bright red — as if he needed to look any more debauched — and Spencer tries to ignore the hurt that seizes his chest at the reminder of his need to stay quiet. This team respects him, and he can’t throw that away just because Spencer gets too comfortable.

God, he wishes Penelope was here.

“None of your business,” he mutters, trying to keep his tone light. He fails.

Naturally, Hotch notices and swiftly moves the briefing on, and Spencer keeps his gaze locked on the case file, not missing the absence of a reprimand from his superior. He’s constantly thankful for the older man, but in this moment, he wishes he could hug him.

(A voice that sounds dangerously close to Ethan’s rises up and taunts him in his ear: he wouldn’t want a dirty homo like you anywhere near him—)

Derek doesn’t let up on the case, continuing to bug him about the special lady in his life. He does concede that it could’ve been a one night stand, which is one front he’s right on, but a couple more concessions are necessary before Derek comes close to the truth of last night.

Eventually, Derek stops, and Spencer notes that the cessation of comments comes suspiciously close to the last time Derek and Hotch were alone together. He doesn’t have it in him to feel angry at Hotch for stepping in when he had it handled; doesn’t have the energy to act as though his pride is wounded, because really, neither of those things are true, and he doesn’t need to add another item to ‘Spencer Reid’s List of Things He Pretends to Be.’

The situation is forgotten, and time moves on.

Things change when he finds his first proper boyfriend. He doesn’t know what he was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t the giddying rush of emotions it turns out to be, and Spencer spends his days smiling as he daydreams his time away.

His name is Oscar Wilkins, a History professor at Georgetown University, and Spencer falls quickly in love with him. Ever since their mutual friend had introduced them at a gay bar one evening, they’d spent all their free time together. He’s kind and gentle and understanding of Spencer’s hectic and unpredictable job, and he finally has the chance to experience everything he quietly and shamefully longed for as a teenager.

The only downside is the silent breaking of Spencer’s heart that the most important people in his life can’t meet his boyfriend. He longs to show Oscar off, to hold hands in front of his team, lean up to press a tender kiss to Oscar’s lips. He wants to put a framed picture of the two of them at the Washington Monument on his desk to remind him of why he needs to get through the hard days; he doesn’t want to have to sneak out of the hotel room he shares with Derek to whisper hushed, loving goodnights over the phone.

But he’s too scared. Too cowardly.

It’s different being who he is with his gay group of friends littered with wlws and drag queens and other gay and bisexual guys. They understand.

But Derek and Hotch are two extremely masculine, alpha men: Derek’s a ladies’ man and Hotch is married to a woman he met in college with a baby on the way and both have a strong and dominant energy that still sometimes manages to intimidate Spencer even after all these years. And Elle and JJ are lovely — some of his closest friends, really — but sometimes they remind him a little too much of the mean girls he went to high school with.

The hardest person to keep his secret from, though, is Penelope. She’s his best friend and he desperately wants to give her all of him, but he’s so scared. He’s lost a best friend to this secret before, and even though he’s certain she’d be fine with it, what if she accidentally let it slip to Derek? What if Hotch found out and didn’t see him in the same light anymore? What if the girls started teasing him? What if Gideon didn’t want to mentor him anymore?

The fear paralyses him. And it’s a cycle he doesn’t know how to break.

Fear, though, doesn't stop everyone from noticing his daydreaming, his dopey smile when he checks his messages, his urgency to get home where he would’ve stayed until the small hours of the morning before. As excellent as he is at hiding his sexuality, he’s fucking terrible at hiding the fact that he’s in love: it was easy enough to pretend he was straight, but hiding something this all-consuming is an impossible ask.

Derek comes over to perch on the edge of his desk one afternoon, sighing as he sits down. “Pretty boy, this is getting ridiculous,” he says, snatching Spencer’s attention away from his phone. “You’ve been grinning like an idiot for the last twenty minutes as you’ve texted Future Mrs Reid. When are we going to meet her?”

(He hates the new nickname the team has given his mystery significant other, although Oscar had found it hilarious. “It’s funny because when we get married, we’ll hardly be able to tell,” he’d argued through his laughter. “Neither of us will change our name because of our academic profiles, and we’ll both still be ‘Dr’. Our wedding rings will be the only indicator.”

Spencer hadn’t argued back, because he’d been too tongue-tied and flushed pink at Oscar’s use of ‘when’ in regards to their hypothetical nuptials. It was only made bearable by Oscar kissing him gently and tucking him under his arm, not embarrassing him any further as Spencer had sort of anticipated, warmth settling over his chest at the thought of their future together.)

“You won’t,” he replies, perhaps a little too curtly.

Derek starts at that, clearly not expecting it. He definitely should’ve tried to play it off as a joke. “What— should I be offended, pretty boy?”

You wouldn’t call me that if you knew who I really am.

“That’s up to you, Derek,” he says calmly, although he still can’t meet his eyes, “but you won’t meet the ‘Future Mrs Reid, so I think it would probably be best if you left it alone.”

“Damn,” Derek mutters under his breath, clearly pissed off and probably more hurt than Spencer ever intended. “Suit yourself.”

And with that, he gets up and leaves his desk. Spencer’s only solace is the text message he sees on his phone when he picks it back up: I love you so much. You know that, right?

The light-hearted ridicule comes to an abrupt halt after the incident with Derek, and it’s clear that he had been the biggest contributor to the teasing. He’s thankful that the jokes have stopped, but he wishes desperately that it didn’t come with the growing distance between him and his team. Loneliness takes the place of his previous irritated anxiety, and he isn’t sure what’s worse.

It all comes to a head at the end of a case in Michigan. They’re stuck in the lounge of the small inn they’d stayed in the last few days, a snowstorm having blocked them in and grounded the jet, although Gideon had long since retreated to his room. The fire’s going and they’re the only guests around, so it’s cosy enough, but Spencer can’t help but feel sick at the idea of another night away from home.

It’s only been two weeks since he’d snapped at Derek, but the chasm between him and the team is only widening with each passing day. He knows it’s not a case of ‘pick a side’, but the team’s morale relies on light-hearted banter and teasing, and him not being a part of that anymore has only brewed awkwardness. Everyone’s trying to give him space when space is the last thing he wants.

Oscar’s keeping him company over the phone at least, but it’s not quite enough to quell the loneliness swimming around his stomach, and the 'discrete' sideways looks he gets from the team only make him feel worse.

“At least it’s nice and toasty in here,” JJ sighs as she takes a sip of the hot chocolate the kindly inn owner had made for them all.

Elle hums in agreement. “There are worse places to be grounded.”

“I dunno, man, I just wanna get home,” Derek says, not taking his eyes off the fire. Spencer can’t help but agree.

“Oh, come on,” Hotch muses, considerably more jovial now the case is over, “we’re here, and that’s not going to change any time soon. We should make the most of it.”

“It’s at least nice to be somewhere sort-of Christmassy now it’s December,” Elle points out. “We could be stuck in a dingy police station like we probably will be next week.”

“Ooh, I noticed that Jemimah and Kiran started planning the Christmas party last week,” JJ says, smiling at them. “I offered my help, but they seem to have it covered.”

Hotch raises an eyebrow“That’s probably a good thing. You don’t need more work on your plate.”

“Not gonna argue with that,” she murmurs, smiling as she brings her mug to her lips again.

Spencer doesn’t miss that Derek is still stewing on the opposite side of the room.

“Are you looking forward to the Christmas party, Spencer? Will you come?” Hotch asks, clearly trying to rope him into the conversation, which he appreciates. He’s been making a lot of effort with him the past few weeks, and it’s just about the only thing that’s getting him through each day.

Before he can reply, though, Derek erupts from the other side of the room; an already pissed-off man being pushed over the edge. “He won’t even let us meet his fucking girlfriend, Hotch, he’s not gonna want to come to the Christmas party!” he yells, throwing his hands in the air as he glares at Spencer with a stormy expression raging across his face.

Suddenly, Spencer can’t stay silent anymore, and his retort shocks himself just as much as it does everyone else. “I don’t have a girlfriend!”

It might be the loudest he’s ever shouted in his whole life. He’s always been quiet and restrained, the type to state his feelings as calmly as possible no matter how he’s feeling on the inside. Even in the biggest fight he’s had with Oscar, his voice was barely loud enough to qualify as a shout.

There’s a brief stunned silence, but Derek quickly slices his way through it, voice raising to meet Spencer’s fiery emotion, fierce and loud. “Oh, don’t even go there, Reid, you’re really gonna try and argue that? You’re gonna lie about her as well as not let us meet her? What a boyfriend you are.”

“I don’t! I don’t have a girlfriend!” he repeats, voice catching this time as tears rise unbidden to the backs of his eyes and all the emotions of the journey he’s taken with his sexuality over the years flood him in a wave of intensity he’s not prepared for.

“You’re fucking lying—!”

“I have a boyfriend!” he yells. “Alright? I have a boyfriend. I’m gay.”

The anger and emotion quickly dissipates, and he’s left standing alone in front of the team he’s put so much effort into hiding this from, watching shock spell out across everyone’s expressions. He’s never felt smaller than he does in that moment, and he quickly grabs his phone before running upstairs to his room, locking the door behind him.

“Oh God, Oscar, I fucked up so bad,” he cries over the phone as soon as his boyfriend picks up.

“Hey, hey, breathe, baby,” Oscar says gently, but Spencer can hear the anxious concern in his voice, “it’s gonna be okay, I promise. I’m here. Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“I just— Oh God, I just told the team.” A new wave of horror rolls over him as he realises what he’s done. Times might be changing, but it’s still only 2006, and he doesn’t know each and every nuance of his team members’ political positions and, fuck, he hates that his existence is a fucking political position.

Oscar’s been so understanding of his reluctance to not tell the team, even though Spencer’s met pretty much everyone in his life. He isn’t sure what he’s done to earn such a gracious and understanding boyfriend, but he’s not about to question it.

“Baby, I know it’s scary, and I know you’re really worked up right now,” he counsels, voice soft and reassuring, using the nickname he knows Spencer loves the most to make him feel as safe as he can from 700 miles away, “but it’s probably not as bad as you think. From what you’ve told me about the team, they love you so much, and even in the case that in the past they've had some issue with gay people, I can't imagine they’d ever actually think of you any differently when it comes down to it, Spencer.”

He’s crying too hard to reply, and Oscar understands immediately, gently transitioning into a story about his day that slowly starts to calm him down, and by the time he’s wrapping it up, his tears are starting to subside.

“Thank you, Ozzy,” he whispers into the phone, lifting himself up off the floor and making his way to sit on the bed instead.

“You know I’d do anything for you, sweetheart,” he murmurs warmly. “Do you want me to stay on the phone for a bit?”

“Yes please,” he whispers again, holding it as close to himself as possible, drawing all the comfort he can from his boyfriend’s voice.

He lies there listening to Oscar’s voice and trying not to think about the disaster downstairs for a good ten minutes before there’s a tap at the door.

“Oz, there’s someone here,” he says, voice panicked.

“I think you should probably speak to them, baby,” he urges. “I’ll stay on the phone with you while you do, if you like?”

“Please.” He gets up from the bed gingerly, keeping his phone tightly gripped in his right hand as he slowly unlocks the door with his left, revealing Hotch on the other side.

“Hey, Spencer. Do you mind if I come in?”

He’s riddled with nerves, but Hotch is smiling warmly, and he’s never said a harsh word to Spencer, so he steps aside and lets him into his room.

Hotch quickly notices the phone in his hand, visibly still on a call. “Is that your boyfriend?”

Spencer nods.

“Do you mind if I talk to him?”

His brows knit in confusion and his lips part slightly in surprise, but it’s all he can do to hand the phone over, watching Hotch carefully.

“Hi, Spencer tells me this is his boyfriend?” Hotch inquires politely into the phone, his tone still warm. “I’m Hotch, Spencer’s boss.”

He can vaguely hear Oscar speaking on the other end of the line, and he worries slightly that Oscar will somehow give away the familial feelings he holds for Hotch, but the conversation doesn’t last long enough for the anxiety to really take over.

“Everything’s fine here, I just want to have a conversation with Spencer, so is it alright if we hang up and I talk to him alone for a minute? He can call you straight back afterwards.” After a brief pause in which Oscar says something, Hotch looks back up at him. “Are you okay with that, Spencer?”

He nods hesitantly, and Hotch says a quick goodbye to Oscar before surging forwards and wrapping Spencer in a hug. It catches him off guard, but he doesn’t waste any time in burying his face into Hotch’s neck and soaking in the comfort and warmth that always radiates from his father figure.

“Come on,” Hotch says softly as they pull away a good minute or so later, “let’s sit down, shall we?”

“You’re not mad?” Spencer can’t help but ask, the question burning his tongue as anxiety — however quietened from Hotch’s hug — still swims around in his stomach.

“There are many things that could make me mad, Spencer,” he says earnestly, “but this is not one of them. I would never be angry at you for being who you are, okay? I might… I might be overstepping here, and if I am, then tell me and I’ll back off, but I’ve always seen you as a mentee, and over the years that’s developed— well, I see you more as a son these days. And part of that is wanting to protect and support you no matter what you do or say or who you are.”

Spencer wastes no time in diving back in for a hug, clinging onto Hotch for dear life as he hugs back, rubbing his back gently.

“I’m so sorry you didn’t feel like you could tell us sooner, Spencer,” he says in a voice soft with affection and regret. “But I’m so glad you’ve told us now.”

He only presses closer at that, tears springing back to his eyes. “I didn’t want to lose you.” He knows what he’s implying, and even in a roundabout way, he’s glad he’s telling Hotch.

“Oh, Spence,” he sighs sadly, “you couldn’t do a single thing to lose me. I’m in it for the long haul.”

“Really?” he asks, hating how insecure he sounds.

“Really,” Hotch promises, pulling away as Spencer does. “Now, you have a whole team of agents downstairs who are feeling very sorry for themselves and really want to see you.”

Nausea rolls in his stomach and panic springs back up as he looks at Hotch, desperate for some sort of grounding. “Are they angry at me? Do they hate me now?”

“No one hates you, Spencer,” he says firmly. “I promise you that. Everyone just wishes that they’d made you feel more welcome and comfortable. We all hate that you felt you had to lock up something so integral to who you are, and we can’t help but feel we played a part in it.”

“No,” he protests — the last thing he wants is family blaming themselves when it has nothing to do with them, “it’s not your fault, it’s just…”

Hotch nods. “I understand, it’s okay. Now, do you want to go down and see them? You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but it might help ease your mind to see that they really don’t hate you.”

Spencer pauses, taking a moment to think. “Can I see Derek first?”

“Of course,” Hotch says understandingly, and the comforting smile that crosses his face makes Spencer feel safe and taken care of. “I’ll send him up?”

Spencer nods and Hotch hugs him once more before leaving the room almost reluctantly. He wastes no time in picking up his phone and sending a text to Oscar. You were right. Hotch is fine. He’s just sending Derek up before I go and see the team but he says that no one’s angry and I think I believe him. Thank you, Oscar. I love you.

Not even half a minute goes past before his phone lights up with a text back. I’m so glad, baby. Call me later, okay? I want to make sure you’re okay before I go to bed. I love you more.

Before Spencer can argue that actually, he is the one more in love with the other, a hesitant knock sounds on his door. Nerves suddenly flip his stomach, and he clenches and unclenches his fists a couple of times before forcing himself to cross the room, revealing a very worried and regretful-looking Derek.

“Oh, pretty boy,” he says sadly, before crushing Spencer in a warm and tender hug. Immediately, he relaxes into the arms of one of his best friends, and relief courses through his blood at Derek’s reaction. “I am so sorry that I ever made you feel like you couldn’t tell me that you were gay or had a boyfriend. That’s completely on me. I don’t care who you love, Spencer, I just want you to be happy, okay? And if this guy makes you happy, then that’s fine by me. But if he ever lays a hand on you or—”

“Derek, Derek,” he laughs, “it’s fine I get it. Thank you, though, I’m… I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you earlier and for snapping at you in the bullpen that time…”

“I understand, Spence,” he promises. “It’s in the past, okay? And I’m sorry for pushing so hard. I mean, I’d love to meet him but if you don’t feel comfortable or you don’t want to, that’s fine, too. It’s your life, man.”

“No, I… I think I want you guys to meet him. It’s been so hard to keep him away from the people I consider my family, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. Maybe after Christmas, we can all have dinner or something.”

Spencer smiles shyly. “Well, Oscar’s a great cook, so I reckon we could work something out.”

Derek grins, throwing an arm around his shoulders as he immediately jumps back into teasing him as they make their way to the door to go downstairs and see the rest of the team. “Ooh, lover boy’s got him a chef, hey? What else does this Oscar have going for him?”

Spencer chatters eagerly about his boyfriend to Derek, barely skipping a beat when he joins everyone downstairs, his friends taking his cues and joining in with the conversation seamlessly. He’s had enough fuss for one night, and the warmth and understanding on everyone’s faces tells him everything he needs to know.

“Do you have any pictures of him?” JJ asks, raising an eyebrow with eager expectancy as they all settle back into their seats by the fire, a warm and unbelievably happy feeling settling in Spencer’s stomach.

He blushes, digging out his phone from his pocket and unlocking it. “More than a few, I think.”

He finds the most recent picture of his boyfriend — a candid shot of him cooking in the kitchen, spatula aloft, and a huge grin on his face — and hands the phone around.

“Oh wow, you like them buff, huh, pretty boy?” Derek teases as soon as he gets his hands on it, and Spencer’s stomach twists in a sudden bout of fear, expecting to see some hesitancy or even disgust on his friend’s face. What if he thinks that Spencer has a crush on him? What if he’s uncomfortable around him now?

But if Derek’s having any of those thoughts, they don’t show on his face. He’s smiling widely and openly, all the pent-up anxiety and frustration borne from hurt gone from his body language, and he looks completely comfortable sat next to Spencer, his arm stretched out behind him on the back of the sofa.

They sit happily around the fire for a couple of hours, settling into a happy, intimate familiarity Spencer hadn’t realised was missing when he was hiding something so integral to his being from his family, and he’s still smiling when they finally part ways to head to bed, the clock ticking closer and closer to 1 am.

He gets ready for bed quickly, brushing his teeth and throwing on the top he’d stolen from Oscar the first time he’d stayed at his place; a welcome change from his worn and wrinkled suit. As soon as his teeth are brushed and the lights are all off except for his bedside lamp, he pulls out his phone, knowing there’s one more thing he has to do before he goes to sleep.

“Spencer?” Penelope’s voice sounds down the line, clearly concerned. “It’s almost 2 am here, are you okay?”

“I’m gay,” he says, getting straight to the point. The main reason he ever kept it from her was because of his fear of it accidentally getting out to the team rather than fear over her reaction. After all, multiple of his drag queen friends are also hers.

“Oh my God,” she says in that small voice she uses when she’s not actually talking to you, before finally actually replying to me. “Spencer, I’m so happy you told me!”

He doesn’t miss her choice of words, or the way she says them and he tilts his head suspiciously. “You already knew, didn’t you?”

She sighs. “Yeah. I’m sorry, a couple of months ago I saw a text from Oscar on your phone when you went to the bathroom during one of our Doctor Who marathons, and it wasn’t hard to figure out the relationship.”

“And… wait, you’re not mad at me for not telling you sooner?”

“Spencer! Of course not. I was waiting for you to be comfortable enough to share it with me. I felt awful that I knew without your consent but I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to catch you off guard or make you feel uncomfortable. It’s fine that you waited, baby genius, I’m just so happy you told me now. What finally gave you the courage?”

“Well, it might have slipped out in front of the team this evening,” he admits sheepishly, “and the only reason I never told you was because I was scared that it would slip out somehow — accidentally, of course, I didn’t think you’d tell anyone on purpose — and now everyone knows. It’s been killing me not to tell you, Penelope, it really has because I love you so much and you’re my best friend and I trust you with my life, it’s just…”

“Whoa, slow down, Spence,” she laughs fondly, “you don’t have to explain yourself to me, I understand. But I’m glad you finally told everyone and you can be yourself completely with us, now. We all love you no matter what, you know that right?”

“I do now.”

“Good. You should get some sleep, baby boy, it’s late and you’ve had an emotional evening.”

Spencer smiles. “Yeah, I know. You should, too, Pen. I’ll see you when we can finally make it home, okay? Love you.”

“Love you, too, 187,” she says softly, and Spencer can hear the smile in her voice. “Goodnight.”

As soon as he hangs up, he settles down into the bed, turning off the light and pulling the duvet up over his shoulders before dialling one more number.

“Hey, baby,” Oscar says, voice as gentle and caring as it always is, although thicker with tiredness now. “I take it everything went okay?”

“Yeah,” Spencer murmurs, already feeling tired as the safety he always feels at the sound of Oscar’s voice settles into the fibres of his being. “It went so well. I can’t wait for you to meet everyone.”

“I can’t wait either, sweetheart. Are you in bed now?”

“Yeah,” he sighs. “Can you talk to me as I fall asleep?”

“Anything for you, Spence,” he says softly, before transitioning seamlessly into a story about the professors on campus, and his gentle comfort and the knowledge of the unconditional love his family has for him finally lulls Spencer into the best sleep he’s had in weeks.

taglist : @criminalmindsvibez @moreidstrobed @suburban--gothic @strippersenseii @takeyourleap-of-faith @negativefouriq @makaylajadewrites @iamrenstark @livrere-blue @hotchseyebrows @reidology @i-like-buttons @spencerspecifics @bau-gremlin @hotchedyke @tobias-hankel @goobzoop @marsjareau @garcias-bitch @oliverbrnch @physics-magic @sbeno22 @temily @enbyspencer @im-autistic @anxious-enby @kuolonsyoja @reidreids (add yourself to my taglist via this form!!)

[koolkat9]

FrUk Week 2021: Day2

@hetaliashipsweek

Prompt: Childhood/Old Age

Paring: FrUk

Word Count: 2012

The Luckiest Man Alive

They had been married for fifty years. It still was hard for Arthur to believe. It wasn’t that he wasn’t grateful, but at the back of his mind, there had always been that lingering thought that Francis would finally notice all his shortcomings and leave him. At least over the years, that voice had quieted immensely and Arthur learned to allow himself to be happy without worrying that it would be taken away from him.

If someone had told five-year-old Arthur that the annoying little French boy in his class would eventually become his lover, he would have kicked them in the shins. No way he could ever like someone as snobbish as Francis. The boy never failed to insult Arthur’s ‘fashion sense’ or steal his pencils. Then again it probably didn’t help that Arthur had the tendency to pull Francis’ hair and steal his books. By the first grade, things had escalated to the point the two physically and verbally fought on the daily. There were a lot of punches, bruises, and meetings with the principal during those elementary school years, but for some reason, they always kept coming back to each other.

Middle school rolled around and life got complicated. During the final years of elementary school, Arthur’s mother had been diagnosed with a serious illness. What that illness was was never revealed to Arthur even after her death, but that didn’t stop it from tearing the family apart. He had never gotten along with his brothers, but with their mother being in and out of the hospital and pressure being added onto all of them, especially Alister, they began taking out their stress on each other. They fought every day with some confrontations turning physical (on both ends). After a particularly bad fight, Arthur showed up to school with a black eye. At lunch Francis inquired about it, pushing him until he snapped and shoved Francis against the locker, hissing, “My mom’s sick and my brothers hate my guts so shut up or you’re going to be my punching bag.” 

For once, Francis was shocked, and instead of shoving Arthur back, his gaze softened as he said, “I’m so sorry to hear that Arthur.” Before he could do anything else, Arthur pulled away and took off down the hall. It wouldn’t be the last argument that ended with secrets being revealed. At least both had enough respect not to bring them up again.

By the time high school rolled around, the few friends Arthur had made over his childhood years had moved away or went to the other high school in town. The only person he knew going in was Francis and once more the two of them gravitated towards each other, but this time it wasn’t for a fight. Arthur was tired. His mother had passed away a month before school had started and the feeling of home left with her. The Brit had become a shell of his former self, often isolating himself in the school library during his free time and throwing himself into his school work. He didn’t socialize unless he had to for class and began avoiding Francis like the plague. It began to worry Francis and around Christmas of their first year, Francis cornered Arthur in the library, ready to get to the bottom of whatever was eating at his enemy. Surprisingly it was easier than he thought as the Brit quickly broke down and through tears began explaining everything. The fact his mom died, that he was sick and tired of arguing with his brothers and has been couch hopping for a couple of weeks because he didn’t want to go home, and every other minor inconvenience that had been building up in his life. 

Francis was stunned into silence, but before Arthur could run away like he always did when things got too personal, the French boy pulled him into a tight embrace. And Arthur let him, too tired for any struggle or to push his emotions deep down again. Francis had invited him to stay over that night and Arthur had accepted though he was hesitant. There were no arguments or fighting for once and instead they talked about other things, interests, classes, other normal teen stuff. It was nice and for the first time in the past three years, Arthur felt safe and comfortable. 

After that fateful day, fights between them grew few and far between. They still bickered and argued, but it was now a more friendly matter. Francis introduced Arthur to his new friends Antonio and Gilbert and the four would remain friends well into adulthood and even old age. They were annoying just like Francis, but they also cared about him and were there for him when he needed it. But he could really do without the constant jab that Francis and he were like ‘an old married couple.’

College is when Arthur’s feelings of friendship started becoming feelings of romantic love. Francis had found a cheap apartment not far from their school and the two decided to rent it together to save money. They fell into quite a domestic routine. Francis cooked for him since Arthur could never make anything not burnt while Arthur did the dishes. Francis did laundry while Arthur folded and put the clothes away. Arthur would go out to the small garden on their balcony and Francis would join him a few minutes later with water or juice and a little snack for them. Francis had a lot of morning classes so Arthur would wake him up with a cup of coffee or tea. Arthur finally felt at home and he realized he wanted to live with Francis for the rest of his life. He tried to deny it at first, but each time Francis smiled Arthur felt his insides melt and whenever he called his name in the soft moments of the evening, he imagined being called to cuddle with him. He loved Francis, but he was too scared of possibly losing him if his feelings became known. After all, their relationship had already been turbulent, why shake it up even more?

Although they may have been getting along better than they ever had, they were still Francis and Arthur, prideful through and through and unable to go too long without some form of argument. Things were starting to build up on Arthur again with school and his growing feelings and he was starting to become more snappy than normal. They had had a few of their friendly arguments before, but eventually, everything became too much and Arthur went off at Francis when the Frenchman pushed a little too hard. “I thought we told each other everything,” Francis screamed.

“Shut up!”

“No. Not until you get it through your thick skull that pushing things down until they boil over is not healthy. I don’t even know why I bother? You’ve never listen-”

Next thing either of them knew, Arthur had Francis pinned against the wall, silencing him with a heated, angry kiss. As soon as Arthur noticed what he was doing, he pulled away, but not enough to let Francis go. The Frenchman looked at him, cheeks red, hair a mess, and eyes wide. Without a word they leaned in once more, connecting their lips in a slow, sensual kiss. 

The following morning, Arthur awoke, wrapped up in Francis’ arms in Francis’ bed, clothes strewn around the room. For a moment, he allowed himself to admire the sleeping man next to him. Even with bedhead, Francis’ hair still looked beautiful and soft. His lips were slightly parted, his eyes closed, bare shoulder slightly exposed. He looked so peaceful and content which made Arthur’s heart flutter.

“Like what you see?” Francis asked, his eyes opening halfway and a soft smile spreading across his face. 

“Sh-Shut up.”

“Make me.” 

And Arthur did, leaning forward and pressing a quick kiss on Francis’ lips. When he retreated back, embarrassment and doubt began setting. What did this mean now? Were they lovers? What if things didn’t end up well? He couldn’t bear to lose this man after everything they had been through. Maybe it was best to just forget what had happened and go back to being friends. 

“I-I don’t know if I can do this,” Arthur stuttered out. He pulled the covers up defensively, trying to avoid that kind loving gaze.

Francis was quiet for a moment and when Arthur stole a glance at him, he almost looked disappointed. “You know?” Francis began, his smile quickly returning, “We don’t have to call it anything you don’t want to. You liked what happened last night right?”

“I-I suppose…”

“I did too. Would you want to do more than just that? Like cuddle, kiss, and all that?”

Arthur was silent as he thought it over, his cheeks turning a deep shade of red. “If it makes it easier,” Francis continued, “I wouldn’t mind doing that kind of stuff, but if you don’t want to...I won’t push.”

Francis really was perfect. Attentive, loving, respectful when it mattered. What did he see in Arthur who just seemed to be a ball of anger and pent-up feelings? But the knowledge they wouldn’t be making this an official thing (at least not yet), put Arthur at ease and he decided to accept it. 

A couple months later, Arthur had worked up the courage to accept Francis’ offer of a date, and of course, being the thoughtful lover the man was, Francis provided him with the ideal date. They had gone to the park for a picnic lunch before heading to the theatre for a show. At night they cuddled up in Francis’ bed and fell asleep. It had been a pretty good day, but Arthur’s competitiveness had been sparked. Next date, he was planning it and he was going to impress Francis.

He got a reservation at the new French restaurant in town. Francis seemed to have enjoyed the food, but he said he could have always made such a meal at home. Arthur only rolled his eyes telling him that he was doing something nice for him so be grateful. Francis had giggled, making Arthur realize just how deep he was. It was exhilarating and a little nerve-wracking. After dinner, they headed out back to a garden area where a wishing well stood. “Do you have a coin?” Francis asked, peering into the well. 

“You’re lucky, here.” 

Francis pulled the coin to his chest closing his eyes before tossing it into the well with a plop. 

“What did you wish for?” Arthur asked, peering down into the well.

Francis brought a finger to his lips with a wink. “I can’t tell you or it won’t come true.”

Arthur’s nostalgia trip was interrupted by a pair of arms snaking around his waist and a firm kiss being pressed into his neck.

“What are you doing mon amour?” Francis asked in a low voice.

“Just...reminiscing.” Arthur lifted his hand, admiring the silver band on his finger. “Who would have thought we’d be here, like this, all those years ago.”

Francis chuckled. “Mhm. At least my wish came true.”

Arthur twisted his head to get a better look at the man behind him“Are you talking about that one you made on our second date?”

“Oui.”

“And what was it?”

“I would marry and spend the rest of my life with you.”

“You big sap.”

“Peut-être, but you love me for it.”

“What gave you that idea?”

“Oh, you wound me,” Francis exclaimed, clutching his chest. 

The two lovers erupted into a fit of laughter before going in for a kiss. It was sweet and quick, matching the playful moment. I couldn’t last forever as Arthur noticed the time. “We better go pick up the boys from the airport,” he suggested,  “they’ll be landing soon.”

Francis planted one more kiss on his forehead, before taking Arthur’s hand and pulling him out the door. Truly, Arthur was the luckiest man in the world and he had over fifty years' worth of evidence to prove it.

[momoliee]

It’s probably too early for The Meta No One Asked For That I’m Gonna Write Anyway about XQC, alas…here we go

Dr. Xie Qingcheng, 32, male, straight (so far), 180 cm with only one current family member.

Xqc is introduced as a cold, aloof and apathetic retired doctor who has no passions, cares about nothing except for his sister, and unless he’s angry, you can barely get an emotional response out of him.

Through meatbun’s character notes on how he has no favorite food, no favorite color or animal, no personal preferences outside what’s most practical and how he’s very very responsible and rules abiding and honest and sober and serious, and through he yu’s POV that continuously paints him as this heartless cold blooded person, I dare say we were…deceived by this so far shades of gray picture we had of him.

Xqc was born into a finically stable middle class family consisting of two cops for parents and a younger sister that came into the world 8 years after him. When he turned 13, and his sister was only 5 at that time, his parents were fired from their job due to a case they shouldn’t have been investigating going wrong, and they had to move to a rural area. Not long after that, he witnessed both his parents’ deaths and saw their corpses with his own eyes, the site was bloody and there’s no way it didn’t traumatize a pre-teen like him. He then was tasked with taking care of his sister, becoming a doctor despite not wanting to, owing others favors and spending all his money on smth that’s yet to be revealed instead of enjoying it. He got married, not to a woman he loves but to someone whom he thought of as “suitable and appropriate”, got cheated on and went through a divorce before losing full interest in the marriage life. He was finally able to retire (we don’t know why yet) and live a quiet, normal, boring life.

I believe xqc loved his parents, I believe he loved them so much cause in chapter 20, he mentions how he thought he wouldnt be able to live past the grief, he wouldn’t be able to go on or move forward, how the grief completely overtook him. He also mentions how he used to play with knots and handcuffs when he was a child, which shows how close he was to them. So for a child who had a good stable life with two loving parents to suddenly fall from a class to a class, suddenly lose both parents and see their corpses with his own eyes, that must’ve fucked him up big time. I’m talking “when can I fully register all of this” kind of fucked up. But he didn’t have time to fully absorb all of this, didnt have the time to sit down and cry, he had a sister, she was only 5, where will they get the money from? What were they gonna do? How was he going to continue school while caring for her? He didn’t have the time to sit down and grief, to sit down and adjust. For a child who had a normal life and didn’t have to worry much about the money like every other middle class kid, he was suddenly burdened with poverty AND loss, and duty and responsibility. Good bye to the days of playing with handcuffs and knots huh?

You ask me, why does xqc not have a favorite food? I answer you, because many many nights, he didn’t know what to feed his sister, much less himself. Cause I bet that many nights, he would have to give up his portion for Xie Xue, to make sure a kid like her is full. Cause he couldn’t afford to be picky, couldn’t afford to choose; whatever was edible will be eaten, taste and flavor be damned. He had to start working from a young age, balance school, babysitting and working all at once. The last friend he made (I think) was that Chen Man guy whose parents were friends with his parents, back when they were alive and life was good. He didn’t have time to make friends, or go out, or have a favorite color or visit the zoo and decide on a favorite animal. No, he had to study, and study hard to become more financially stable and support Xie Xue, he had to raise his baby sister and protect her, he had to work or else how will he put food on their table? Yet he never lost his soft kind heart, cause when his sister asked for a laptop, he bought her one just so that she wouldn’t feel less than any of the other children.

Xqc had to SURVIVE, he had to make do with what he had and what he didn’t have. He didn’t have time to sit down and cry or process his trauma, didn’t even have time to think of adolescent love or his youthful days or do what kids his age did. And all of that carried forward into his adult life. He pushed his emotions back so hard and had his practical, business like mind take care of everything in order to make it through the days. He started to believe that passionate emotions such as love and hate and lust and desire were all a waste of time, a distraction from his duties, smth that will rock the delicate balance he created with his everyday busy schedule. Emotions will stunt you, emotions will delay you, crying and not going to work today means no food to feed his hungry sister with. That’s when he started thinking, strong emotions are a DISEASE, they will take up your time, cloud your judgement, have you make reckless decisions that you’ll regret later. And he couldn’t afford any of that right? Strong emotions are for the weak, they put you in crutches and disable you from moving forward. Wasnt that what he told his ex wife? If he had submitted himself to his grief back then, where would his sister be? Where would he be? How could they have grown up to be healthy and successful adults?

So this man taught himself practicality and duty and priorities. He stopped thinking about himself, about what he wants and what he feels, and instead started making sure that those around him are happy and content and safe and well taken care of. He no longer had desires or passions, he only had rules and regulations. If a person lost their sense of taste, would they still want chocolates and burgers? Would they still have cravings and foods they’d rather swallow medicine than eat? No. If so, how will they decide on what to eat every day? They’ll simply start following a “perfect nutritional plan” and “balanced diet”. They’d eat what they have to eat, when they have to eat, and in the exact portion they need. To them eating would be another chore they have to do every day to keep their bodies going. Similarly, with xqc, graduating, working, marrying, taking care of his sister and auntie, these all became “tasks” and “chores” that he had to abide by and follow. They became the dietary plan for his life till he dies, the outline he shall follow, the textbook rules he will carry out, no need to think of what he “wants” or “desires”, what will make him “happy” or bring him “joy”. He no longer listened to his emotions when making decisions. Even when marrying his ex wife, he married her cause she was “a suitable match”, not for her looks or personality or anything. Feelings are life’s taste buds, and once you remove them, everything becomes tasteless and mundane, and practicality/logic takes over. He stopped knowing what it felt like to choose based on your preferences, cause he stopped having the luxury of choice ever since that night when he was 13, and he no longer was able to re-teach himself the meaning of free will and choice.

So when he yu, in chapter 20, asked him how he would’ve acted if Xie Xue had died, and he said, “I would’ve continued living as I am today till my last breath,” he wasn’t being “cold” or “heartless” or “indifferent” as he yu likes to say. He was being practical and methodical and thinking with a logical approach, rather than an emotional one, just the way he taught himself to throughout all these years. His almost 2 decades of pure survival mode and severely repressed feelings spoke in the form of autopilot. “I would do what I have to do, what I’ve always done every day of my life so far cause what choice do I have?” Is what he meant to say.

But I believe that he’s a soft hearted, kind and loving person. He never says no his sister, never says no to his auntie, helped that homeless man as best as he could, taught he yu that he was normal and that he wasn’t a monster, believed in treating his patients with words instead of medicine prescriptions, believed that the mentally ill deserve to live normally instead of being locked up. I believe that underneath all the shit he has buried, there’s a lot of passion and love that’s been kept dormant for 19 years.

In conclusion, idk where meatbun is gonna take his character but I genuinely hope he gets to heal, and start having more color and flavor in his life. Start allowing himself to live, not just survive.

[slasherbastard]

Could you please place my order but if it is too complicated you can disregard it.

Imagine that the Slachers (Michael, Jason, Brahms, Vincent and Bo) come home or something and see their beloved's best friend declaring that he misses her and that he loves her, then that friend gives him a kiss on the mouth {for demonstrate your love}.

What would be the boys' reaction to seeing this scene? And what will happen next?

thank you for the request! i’ve been wanting to write this request out ever since i got it, also a quick warning for non-consensual kissing 

(gif credit: thepumpkin-queenn)

Michael Myers

Yet another quiet night spent waiting for Michael to return from his 'night job' and you were spending this lonely night watching horror movies like you usually did. The character wandered around in the dark helplessly trying to distance herself from the killer and just as the killer jumped out, there a knock on the front door. You jumped up and turned to the door and checked the time, Michael wasn't meant to be home for a few more hours. Suspicious, you grabbed the knife sitting on the coffee table - Michael taught you how to defend yourself although he still worries you'll end up stabbing yourself instead of any intruders - and creeped up to the door, you knew Michael wasn't one for knocking and usually just barged in since you always left the door unlocked for him.

As you got closer you could hear talking. "- Shit what if I got the wrong address? Y/N? Hello? It's me, Y/F/N!" You froze and dropped the knife, you haven't heard from this guy in years, how did he find you? You quickly picked the knife back up and slid it into the waistband of your jeans just in case and opened the door, and yeah it was him alright. "Y/N? It's really you?" Without warning he wrapped his arms around you and pulled you in for a hug which you returned, the two of you broke apart and your friend let himself past you into the house, you weren't planning on doing anything because you knew Michael wouldn't forgive you but you were still worried about what would happen if he came home to find this complete stranger in his house.

"Y/F/N, I hope I don't sound mean but what are you doing here?" "I wanted to do this" He pulled you in and kissed you, smiling as he pulled away but that smile faded as he realised you weren't even looking at him. "What is it, Y/N?" He said amusingly as he followed your eyes and turned around to see what you were looking at, only to be stabbed in the chest by the infamous Shape, Michael Myers. Michael removed the knife and watched Y/F/N fall to the ground, calling for your help before passing out. Michael slammed the door and stared back at you waiting for an explanation to what he just witnessed.

"I swear I didn't kiss him back. He just found out where I was living, came in and kissed me." The words felt like a lie as they passed your lips but you weren't lying. You were scared Michael was going to kill you as well but instead he just stood there and continued to stare. "I don't have feelings for him, he was just an old friend from school." You heard a grunt coming from behind the mask as he approached the body and picked it up before disappearing outside with it. You yourself decided to disappear upstairs and go to bed.

You waited and waited for Michael to join you but he never did. At one point you got tired of waiting and got tired in general and decided to just call it a night and fall asleep and if you got stabbed mid-dream then at least it would most likely hurt less. At one point you woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of someone shuffling into the room and the creaking of the floor. You lazily turned to just see Michael in your view and yawned as you sat up and switched on the lamp beside you, he was taking off his coveralls which looked a little more bloodier than usual which did raise a few questions that you were too tired and too concerned to ask, but there was one question you felt like you had to ask.

"Do you hate me?" Michael looked over at you and tilted his head in confusion as his bloody clothes fell to the floor and he slid on a different t-shirt. "I swear he just kissed me but I didn't kiss back. Do you hate me?" Michael didn't move for a few moments but eventually he removed his mask and shook his head, then he got into bed and pulled you into his body. You turned off the lamp as he lazily played with your hair. You felt like he was still mad at you to some extent, but knowing that he decided to let you live another day was a relief.

(gif credit: vhs-ninja)

Jason Voorhees

Sometimes it got very lonely at Camp Crystal Lake, as much as you loved Jason you also missed a lot of your friends and family who you never got to see since Jason hated being away from you and he also hated letting people leave the campsite alive. Sometimes you'd bring up letting a friend visit for just the day but Jason would always either shake his head or sign "No." at you. Jason felt a bit guilty for saying no but he was afraid of losing you and just knowing that there were people out there who were 1000% better than he was made him want to shrivel up at the bottom of the lake.

As worried as he is, he trusts you a lot so he waited until you were ready to ask the question and signed "Yes." before you could even say it. Your smile warmed his heart and he knew that you had no ill intentions with this friend of yours, the only thing that saddened Jason was that he couldn't meet this friend of yours and would have to hide - or in this case, lurk in the background just in case.

Jason couldn't help but feel a bad vibe from that friend of yours but he didn't want to ruin the moment so he just watched from behind a few trees. Everything was fine, you and your friend were sitting on the pier with your feet dangling over the lake, just talking about drama you missed in your hometown. "So, what's with you living on this campsite?" "Oh I don't live here. My house is through that forest-y area over there, I just like coming here to clear my mind."

"Can we go back to your place?" "Oh, I didn't finish cleaning. Lets just stay here for a while" you lied but your friend was already getting up and walking around so you followed him, hopping as you tried to keep up with him as you slipped your shoes back on. You were hesitant but guided him to the old cabin you and Jason were still revamping in the middle of the woods. You looked up and noticed Jason peaking out from behind a bush and subtly nodded at him as reassurance at everything was okay.

You were making lunch for the two of you when you noticed your friend sneaking looks at you through the reflection in the window in front of you but thought nothing of it. You looked past the reflection of your friend's face and out the window to see Jason was staring at you again, you smiled and signed "I am okay." at him, only seconds later your friend was behind you. He grabbed you and turned you around. "I've been wanting to do this for a long time." He paused before going in to kiss you softly.

Jason wasn't happy, watching the scene take place, he was at the cabin and before you knew it, Jason's machete's was lodged into your friend's skull and then he was dead. At that point you were worried that Jason had lost all trust in you and was probably going to kill you as he took a step closer to you and grabbed you but instead he pulled you in and enveloped your body into his and you began to cry and endlessly apologise.

A long night of cuddling and reassurance will fix it. Jason got rid of the body long ago and made you tea immediately after that. "I'm sorry." You signed at Jason. "For what? It was his fault and I know you'd never do that."  It was comforting to know that Jason didn't hate you or blame you for it. Sure you were sad that one of your close friends was dead but you were also relieved that Jason was there to help.

(gif credit: prurientpuddlejumper)

Brahms Heelshire

"No, No guests allowed! That's the rules!" Brahms angrily growled. "Oh please Brahms, I haven't seen him in forever, he's just a friend from my hometown. We're strictly friends." Brahms stubbornly shook his head and stomped off leaving you alone. You groaned in annoyance and continued working on cooking dinner. A friend from your old town was in the UK for some business and wanted to come visit for a few hours but Brahms was very serious about his rules and his feelings for you - especially the rules. You knew Brahms wasn't going to follow through and let this stranger into his home but at least you tried.

During dinner Brahms spoke up, "Fine. But only for an hour." You looked up at Brahms who was clearly avoiding your gaze. "Really?" He nodded and you smiled, thanking him and going back to eating "- If you give me two goodnight kisses every night this month." You laughed and agreed to it, too excited to see Y/F/N. You called him immediately after dinner while Brahms quietly listened to the conversation through the phone, still very jealous but also trying to test you to see if you really were loyal enough to not cheat on him.

The day Y/F/N was supposed to be visiting, Brahms stayed hidden in the walls and watched as you nervously paced around near the front door waiting for Y/F/N's car to pull up. When he showed up, Brahms watched as you both excitedly hugged and talked about how much you both missed each other, you looked so happy. Usually Brahms loved seeing you smile but mostly when he was the reason you were smiling, not whoever this 'Y/F/N' is. Brahms stomping around could be heard from outside the walls where you and your friend were talking who was obviously curious about it. "There's rats in the walls, I have to clean the traps out every morning."

The hour came to an end before the three of you knew it and you were getting ready to say bye to Y/F/N. "Y/N? Before I leave I wanted to ask you something." You nodded and he put down his bag. "We've been friends for like what, 3 years, has it been? I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me. I know I have a girlfriend already but things haven't been going well for us and-" Y/F/N's voice was drowned out by your thoughts, you knew Brahms was listening and you were very worried that he was going to get the wrong idea very quickly.

"Uh Y/F/N I-" He cut you off by kissing you. It all happened so quickly that you didn't have time to process it before you pushed him off you and backed away from him by a few steps. "Y/F/N, I- I can't. I have a boyfriend." he looked confused and ran a hand through his hair. "I think you should leave." You muttered just loud enough for him to hear but he didn't move. "Y/N I thought we had something. I saw the way you used to look at me and-" "Yes, USED to. Just leave." Y/F/N looked like he was about to say something but instead he grabbed his bag and pushed past you. You waited a few seconds before hearing a scream coming from the parlour and ran over to see Brahms choking Y/F/N out on the floor.

"My Y/N! They are Mine! Not yours!" You watched as Brahms choked out your friend and waited for him to see you standing there. Y/F/N fell to the floor and Brahms turned to you. "Promise me that you don't love him." Brahms began making his way towards you. "I don't love him. I love you, Brahms." You couldn't see Brahms' real expression through that porcelain mask of his. "I promise I love you, so much more than I could ever love him." Brahms craned his neck to the side and tilted his head so he was almost at your level, pressing those porcelain lips against yours, which you kissed back in an instant.

(gif credit: thatmyerschick21)

Bo Sinclair

Bo is very possessive of you and will not let anybody else touch you, not even his brothers of course. When you came in contact with an old friend they were desperate to reunite with you and begged to see you but Bo never lets you leave Ambrose. Hell, he won't even let you out of his sight most of the time, so you had two more choices - you could either reject the idea of seeing your friend, or you could bring them to Ambrose and just pray that Bo doesn't get too jealous. When you finally built up the courage to ask Bo if a friend could visit and hopefully leave the town alive he happily obliged which was a surprise but you decided not to question it too much.

While Y/F/N is around, Bo is way more touchy. Bo will grab your ass out of nowhere and stand a little too close to you, sometimes he'll even pull you away from a conversation just to kiss you before going back to doing whatever he was doing. You knew Bo was definitely jealous and as fun as it could be to mess with him it was also dangerous. After some persuading, you finally managed to get Bo to leave the two of you alone at the house - he needed to work on his truck anyways.

Bo wasn't happy with leaving you with this random guy but he trusted that you wouldn't pull anything. You and your friend spent the rest of the day just talking and catching up, you weren't sure what Bo was so worried about - you began sneaking quick glances at the window to make sure that he wasn't standing there watching the two of you. The day was coming to an end and plans changed when Y/F/N decided to leave only to realise that his car wasn't starting and Bo was nowhere to be seen.

Having no other choice, Y/F/N decided to stay the night. You set up his makeshift bed on the couch and decided to watch a movie since Bo wasn't back yet. At first you two were just sitting together but eventually you found yourself resting your head on his shoulder as you began to get more and more tired. "Hey, Y/N?" Y/F/N whispered, not sure if you were still awake or not. You looked up at him and before you could process anything his lips were on yours. You tried to pull away but he was starting to get more aggressive, tugging at your shirt in a lousy attempt to rip the fabric as you continued trying to push him off of you.

"Hey what the fuck is this?" Y/F/N jumped off the couch and Bo was standing there, he was so red you'd mistake him for the devil. It was quick but Bo managed to grab your friend and begin beating the crap out of him while you yelled and begged him to stop - which was useless. Once Bo was sure that your friend wasn't breathing he stopped and looked at you. "You're welcome." He said bluntly before giving your friend's body one last kick in the side and throwing it over his shoulder and taking it outside.

Obviously you were nervous, was Bo going to punish you? How much of that did he see? Did he see Y/F/N come onto you or did he just assume you were cheating on him? You were a little scared and tried to wait up for Bo but you were tired and thought about calling it a night but suddenly you weren't so tired. You wanted to melt into Bo's touch but you knew he was pissed at you so you decided that going to bed was a good idea, even if that meant not actually sleeping and just staring at the ceiling until the sun blinded you.

When you woke up the next morning you were expecting Bo to either start an argument or take you to one of the few buildings in town to admire Vincent's newest work, but then it came to your attention that he'd gotten his brother Lester to dump your friend's body in the pit outside of town. As inhumane as it sounded - ignoring the fact that your boyfriend is a murderer - you weren't upset, you were glad that Y/F/N got what he deserved and Bo was glad that you felt the same way. Yes, Bo was still very annoyed but he knew it wasn't your fault.

(gif credit: stabhappyslashers)

Vincent Sinclair

Vincent definitely wasn't thrilled about the idea of a friend visiting because he was scared of losing you. No matter how many times you told Vincent you'd never leave him he never fully believed you. Sure, you're a very open minded and friendly person who managed to love him for how he looks and his job but that didn't mean that you would stay with him forever - you were bound to find someone better than him.

After a lot of coaxing and promising, Vincent finally gave in and allowed you to let your friend visit as long as you told your friend that you were in a relationship and as long as Vincent didn't have to meet this friend of yours - but that didn't stop him from keeping an eye on the two of you. He watched as you both walked around town and visited the House of Wax. Vincent found himself peering at the two of you from one of the windows on the outside.

"This place is weird. Why would you want to live in an abandoned town, anyways?" Y/F/N said, obviously very creeped out as he poked at one of the wax figures. "You've always been into a lot of weird shit, I see you haven't changed since high school." He half joked causing you to playfully roll your eyes and look at him. You were very much aware that Vincent was watching. "I'm not alone. I live here with my boyfriend."

"What boyfriend? This entire time I've been here, he hasn't shown up. I'm starting to think you're just playing hard to get." You felt sick. "W-Well, he's busy, he works and stuff." Y/F/N got closer. "What does this boyfriend of yours do?" He placed his hand on yours and you swore you heard something coming from below the two of you but Y/F/N was too focused on you to even react.

"Y/F/N, I'm serious." "So am I." He tried to kiss you but you shoved him back, knocking him into one of the figures which shattered on the floor, broken wax and bone fragments dumped on the floor. Your friend saw this and widened his eyes as he looked back at you and began to crawl away from you. "What the fuck is this? Is this a joke?" By now you were crying but your breath hitched in your throat as you saw Vincent creeping up behind Y/F/N holding two knives. You didn't speak as Y/F/N continued his rant and tried to get away from you while paying no attention to your boyfriend.

Long story short, somebody had to replace that broken wax figure and Y/F/N's visit couldn't have been anymore perfect. Vincent was upset about what'd happened but he was just glad that you were still with him even after all that. He didn't fully understand how you could still love him after that but you did and that was good enough for him.

[darylsgirl]

He’s just like the sun, Part 3  Daryl Dixon x Reader 18+

Summary: Daryl had broken you again, You had turned to rick for comfort finding a different kind of life with his family. Negan finding you in Rick’s home ends up bringing you back to Daryl. For Always <3

Part one                    Part two

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*Hey lovelies! If any of you have stuck with this story this long then i really appreciate you!! Apologies in advance for the extreme roller coaster of this chapter! I decided not to proof read this one and just go with my gut on the progression, So if there’s any mistakes or anything you didn’t like as always please let me know! Also let me know if you liked it and if i should right some more Daryl/Norman stuff as i don’t think i’m ready to let it go yet aha! Also! I decided to add pictures of the people when the pov changes and for the reader i added my own pictures from a shoot a few years back. If it’s too cheesy let me know haha! 

I hope you enjoy my crazy mind!

Love to you all! Love Jen x*

Warnings: References to abuse, Smutty smut!, Talks of violence, Lots of cussin! 

Recap:

You had tried to talk to Daryl after that and he had pretended you didn’t exist. You were grateful that because of your growing friendship with Rick he had let you stay with him and the kids. 

You found yourself spending more time watching Daryl wishing he would just look at you but he never did. 

It was on one of these nights watching him that you saw it and he broke you all over again..

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This was worse than anything Spencer ever did to you, You could handle him hurting your body because he was never able to get your heart. Your heart had always been safe with Daryl until now….

You turned to leave when your clumsy self managed to kick the plant pot over, His eyes met yours. You couldn’t stop now, You couldn’t look at him. You carried on and ran back to Rick’s house bolting the door behind you and ran straight to your room. 

Rick followed you “Y/N, What’s going on?” As he was about to reach you, The pounding on the front door started. “Please don’t let him in” Rick looked confused and walked to the front door unbolting it. 

Your eyes met again as you slammed the bedroom door locking it behind you and hid inside your closet locking that too. 

You tore at your hair, He lied. Spencer was right! He was right and you were a fool. You could hear them now getting closer shouting at each other, You held your hands over your ears, You couldn’t hear any more of his lies! You knew it was only a matter of time before they were in the room and he would find you. Without a second thought you left the closet and left through the open window. 

You went to the only place you could think of that he wouldn’t look for you. 

Rick’s Pov

The kids were in bed and he was enjoying a few minutes of peace for a change. He was always running off for some reason or another. It was nice to just have a typical family night. He didn’t think these were going to be possible once the end came. He and Y/N had made dinner for Carl & Judith and played a board game with Carl occupying Judith by pulling silly faces at her. When Judith started to get tired Y/N put her down and came back to finish the game with Carl before sending him to bed too. 

You and Y/N had sat in comfortable silence in the living room before she had decided to go take a walk and He had stayed back to keep an ear out for the kids, He’d cleared up after dinner and now just sat in his living room enjoying the peace. 

Before he could let out another contented sigh the front door flew open. Y/N Slammed the door behind her and had locked the deadbolt. Within a flash she was flying down the hallway to her room. 

Rick jumped to his feet chasing her “Y/N What’s going on?” He reached out to her as she got to her doorway when the sound from the front door made him spin around.  “Please don’t let him in” Y/N begged. He shot her a confused look before heading to answer the door. 

They weren’t knocking any more they were trying to kick it in, You flung the door open in between kicks seeing who was there “What the hell brother! My kids are sleepin and you’re bringing this shit to my door?” 

Daryl tried to push past Rick but he caught him and pushed him out of the house. “Your not comin in here like this, What’d you do. Why she tell me not to let you in”

“Get outta ma way Rick. Ya don’ understand” Daryl yelled. 

“I’m tryna understand, brother, Tell me what happened?” 

“Y/N, Y/NNN PLEASEE” Daryl rushed Rick again and got past this time. 

Rick rushed past him down the corridor and blocked Y/N’s door. 

“You needa calm down Daryl, She don’t wanna see you right now” 

Daryl had seen read and spat “Oh yeah? And she wants to see you does she? I seen the way you look at each other. I seen her rushin into ya arms all the time, Good ol’ boy rick. Moving in on another man’s woman!” Daryl was pacing now clenching his fists.

“Woah now buddy, I haven’t moved in on anything. It aint even like that. She needed you but you were off with Nicole so I was there for her. She’s family we all needa look out for each other” 

“I don’ wanna do this with ya now Rick, Get outta ma way or ill move ya my damn self!”

Daryl pushed past him again and easily broke the lock. Searching the room Rick’s eyes locked on the open window. He pointed it out to Daryl. “Ya gonna have to look somewhere else - She’s gone” 

“Cant have gone far” Daryl said before taking off out the window after her. Rick put his hand through his hair and walked back into the living room, He looked through the front door and saw Nicole standing there. He glanced over her and shut the door. 

Not dealing with that shit too he thought, Taking his seat back on the couch. 

Daryl’s Pov

He knew you had been watching him since your fight, He had been watching you right back, Wanting more than anything to just run to you and keep you safe, But you would never be safe with him, He was a virus turning everything around him to shit. 

Nicole was becoming less of a welcome distraction since she had kissed you before Y/N was found, She was now everywhere he turned, She changed her shifts to match his and would try and walk with him home after trying to get him to invite her in. 

He hated her incessant nagging, How she always found a way to touch him. Pawin at him. He tried to tell her to stop but it only seemed to make her more determined. 

Y/N understood when to push and when to back off and Nicole just wasn’t understanding the back off part. 

Between Nicole’s naggin on shift and Carol’s nagging at home he was starting to lose it. He wanted to go on a long ride out and be alone but he couldn’t leave again. Even though Spencer was now dead he couldn’t risk leaving Y/N alone in this town without him to keep a watch on her. 

Carol had caught him staring at Y/N’s usual spot at the table and huffed “How many times have i told you to go get that girl back hmm? You need to apologise and make it right! You treated her bad Daryl but she still needs you. If you go to her now, She’ll forgive you” 

He knew she was right but he couldn’t fight the feeling that this was still all his fault he had done this to her, He hadn’t fought hard enough to have Spencer from the community and had let his guard down around him. 

His daddy was right, he was worthless and didn’t deserve love. 

He wondered what Merle would’ve thought of all this, Probably would have told him to stop being such a pussy and go get his woman. 

He looked over at Carol. “You really think she’d forgive me now?” She nodded yes “Now go get our girl back” He looked over at the clock he had a few hours before shift. He could do this. 

He ran through the streets until he made it to Rick's house and stopped in his tracks when he saw you through the window, Happy. 

You had your arms around Judith and Rick had his arms around you both while Carl was pulling faces at her making you all laugh. 

Looking through that window was like looking into the home he had always wanted. Y/N just slotted right in to their family like she was always meant to be there. Making him think she was never meant to be with him. 

He watched for a while, watching how comfortably she took Judith to bed, Then lay back in Rick’s arm’s laughing with Carl. 

He couldn’t watch it anymore. He couldn't watch you be happy with your best friend, Giving him that smile you had previously reserved only for him.

You stormed off into the dark towards the tower and watched Nicole send the previous shift home waiting at the bottom for you as she always did. 

Once the other guys had left he went for it, Storming forward he grabbed Nicole and pushed her up against the tower. 

“Guess it’s your lucky day aint it girl” He kissed her harshly feeling her submit to him instantly She tried to wrap her arms around him and he held her hands back. He moved his hands to her jeans impatiently wanting to get this over with and feel something other than regret and shame. 

She helped him now pull her jeans off and then his. Lifting her into his arms he plunged himself into her, Clasping his hand over her mouth to stifle her moans. He fucked her, this wasn’t the gentle love making he would have with Y/N this was transactional and he was regretting it already. 

All he could do is wish it was Y/N in his arms in his bed holding her body close to his loving on him. He didn’t want this. He started pulling away Muttering that he was sorry to Nicole when he heard a smash to the right of him. 

Instantly meeting her eyes. Shit. 

Y/N

Sitting on the floor with the door open you drank, Drank that big bottle of special whiskey he was saving for a “Special occasion” Fuck special occasions the only special occasions left were the days you were still breathing. 

You were finally able to look at the mattress, You were surprised it was still there, You were surprised anything was still here in this house. You thought when you had come in that they would have set to work on it already clearing it out to make use of it again but no everything is still exactly where it was left when you were last here. 

You weren’t sure how long you had been there before Rick had found you. He came and sat on the floor next to you taking the bottle from your hands and taking a swig. You sat in silence like that until you’d finished the bottle between the two of you. Shaking the empty bottle to show you, Rick took your hand in his. “You ready to go home now?” 

You nodded at him both standing feeling a little more than tipsy now he wrapped his arm around your shoulders guiding you up the stairs and out of the house. You walked back to his house like this taking comfort from the warmth of him on the chilly night. When you reached the porch you settled into the swing outside.

Rick nodded at you understanding, He walked inside and sent Rosita home who must have come to keep an ear out for the kids. She smiled at you when she left. Rick came back out to you a few minutes later with a fresh bottle and a blanket. He sat down and threw the blanket over the two of you and handed you a glass. You took it gratefully your original buzz was already wearing off. 

You wrapped yourself back up in Rick again sighing into his chest, Drinking your whiskey and just enjoying the moment. These were the only moments that you could feel your mind pause and go numb, Rick had that effect on you. He was uncomplicated, simple and you could never question his loyalty to his people and how far he would go to protect any one of you. 

You smiled into his chest now, Rick stiffened slightly. “Wanna tell me what happened earlier?” 

You took a deep breath and offloaded - Something you were learning to do quite well. 

“I saw Daryl with Nicole. They were behind the guard tower. They were” You choked on the next words “Let's just say they had moved past first base running straight for a home run” 

“What a Dumb ass, I’m sorry you had to see that Y/N” he murmured into your hair kissing it. 

“I’ve told you before your welcome with us, The kids love you and i can’t say i mind you here either” 

You looked up at him now moving your head onto his shoulder “You sure Rick? I don’t want to be bringing any more drama to your door, The kids need a simple happy life now” 

He smiled down at you hearing that he brought his hand to your cheek caressing it.

“I’m sure if you are Y/N, The kids will be ok. Little bit of excitement will keep em on their toes” He chuckled. 

Maybe Rick was exactly what you needed right now, You knew you would never want to be without his little ones now they were making you feel whole again and given you a new reason to carry on. You loved them.

You both stared into each other's eyes leaning in ever so slightly to him, You saw him lean in also when you heard someone clear their throat. Both of your heads span towards the noise. 

Daryl was leaning against the rail of the porch. “So this is what not moving in on another’s girl looks like huh Rick?” You stood up from the swing about to defend yourself and then realised you had nothing to defend. He did.

“What do you want Dixon? Come here to Lie to me some more or just trying to further ruin a nice evening?” 

His eyes went dark “I aint ever lied to ya Y/N” You Scoffed “Yeah okay after today you think i’m going to believe anything you say?” 

Rick saw this as his queue to leave he grasped your hand slightly “Gonna go check on the kids, You gonna be ok?” You nodded and smiled up at him “Yeah i'll be ok, He may be an asshole but he won’t hurt me...Not Physically anyway. I’ll be in soon” He let go of your hand, walked into the house and shut the door. 

You walked past Daryl into the street and away from the houses knowing he was following you. Once you had walked far enough away you span around to him. “What, Could you possibly have to say to me?”

“It’s like that now is it Y/N?” His eyes looked hurt. 

“Don’t you try and turn this on me Daryl. You ignored me for weeks, When I needed you! And if that wasn’t hard enough to take, You completely abandoned me. Making me watch you with her for weeks! Then!!! I had to see you Fucking her! In the open! What the fuck is wrong with you Daryl!!” 

He stayed silent staring at the ground. “Every moment for two months i thought about being back to you desperate for you to love me again, But you were full of shit. You lied you fucking lied to me. Just tell me the truth now. Why did you even bother coming tonight, What more could you possibly want from me?”

“How many times i have to tell ya, I aint ever lied to you. I do love ya and ya love me!” He looked down ashamed. “She was just easy I -” You scoffed “Yeah i saw how easy she was” 

He continued “Will ya listen to me woman!” He seethed, He waited until he was sure you were listening “I couldn’t face you knowin it were ma fault. Feelin like i did this to ya. I couldn’t even touch ya without feeling sick, I heard ya know. I heard ya tell Carol what that vile bastard did, I wanted to go back and rip his heart out. I would of ripped mine out and given it to ya, If it would of helped” 

“What good is any of this now Daryl, You’ve betrayed me on every level” 

“Let’s talk about betrayal naw should we? That was my best friend you were cozying up to back there”

“Nothing happened Daryl, I can’t say it wasn’t going to but at that point it hadn’t but so what you’ve moved on with her” You spat the word her with as much venom as you could. 

“I only did what i did because i saw you two tonight, Cuddled up like one big family his arms around ya, I couldn’t take it i needed to feel somethin other than shame and pain….She don’t mean nothin to me -” 

“That makes it so much worse, That someone who means nothing to you could take you from me”

And like magic there she was lurking in the shadows approaching “I meant nothing to you D? Then what was that back there?” 

He rolled his eyes groaning “Crawl outta ma ass woman!” 

You glared at the two of them “I hope your happy together, Stay away from me Daryl” 

“No Y/N no I won’t I love ya! And you love me. I know you do” 

You stormed off back home now aware he was still following you begging you to stay with him. He was still on your heels when you got home Rick met you on the steps hearing the commotion outside you ran to him letting him pull his arms around you and take you inside, You looked back at him, He was crying now “Y/N please, Please Choose me” 

“You didn’t leave me a choice Daryl” You shut the door behind your both and Rick guided you up to his room, He lay there just holding you until you had cried it out and fell asleep in his arms and for the first time in a long time when you woke you weren’t alone. 

Daryl’s Pov

Nicole had had the gone sense to leave him the fuck alone after last night, Yeah he felt bad for using her then abandoning her like that, He hadn’t meant to be an asshole and he would apologise. He just couldn’t face it yet. 

He lay in their bed facing her pillow and closed his eyes imagining she was still there beside him, Why couldn’t he have gotten over his damn ego sooner and just been there like she needed. 

Carol had given him the ear chewing of a lifetime when she had found out what had happened. He didn’t care, He didn’t care about nothing anymore there was only Y/N and now she was gone. He had driven her into the arms of his friend like a fucking idiot. 

He had tried not to watch them after that night. He had tried to do as she had asked and stay away from them but he couldn’t bare not seeing her face everyday. He watched as she held his hand and he brought her dinners to the infirmary. He watched as she played with Judith and read to her. 

He watched as their family nights became more frequent, All around the table like the perfect All American Family. The one thing he didn’t ever see was them kiss, Don't get him wrong he didn’t want to see that but he still thought it was odd. All those nights with both of them cuddled up on the porch and not one kiss? Maybe there was still hope? 

Y/N Pov

You weren’t sure if you were happy that Daryl had listened to you and stayed away. You missed him, He had hurt you sure, but you still missed those eyes and that irritatingly gorgeous southern drawl. 

Carol had started coming to the house more to see you, You had missed her too. She had become such an important person in your life and it had made you laugh watching her being so curt with everyone but you, With you she let her walls down she was loving and kind. 

It was on one of these days sat on the porch with Rick, Carol, Carl & Judith that it happened. 

You were all laughing having Judith point to each of you and say your names, She pointed to Rick “Dadddieieieee”, Then to Carl “Carrrrullll” then to Carol “aun carell” and finally to you.

“Mummmyyyy” The group fell silent now.

You froze not knowing whether to laugh or cry. It had made your heart swell with joy and sorrow. 

You looked up at Rick who seemed to be in the same torment as you, Shock across his face. 

You turned Judith to face you “No Baby its Auntie Y/N” She grumbled at you grabbing on to your hair “mamamamama” You looked back up at Rick, He just shrugged standing up “Anyone need another drink?” You handed Judith to Carol “I’ll just be a minute” You looked at Rick’s back going into the house, She nodded in understanding. 

You followed him in and saw him leant against the kitchen counter with his head in his hands.

“I’m so sorry Rick, I didn’t mean for that to happen” You stuttered “I never told her that’s who i was” You said approaching him and putting your hand on his arm. 

His head shot up “Course you didn’t. But that’s basically who you have become to her now. She loves you” He pulled you into his arms looking into your eyes. “We all do” 

The moment you had waited for again for weeks was here again he softly pressed his lips to yours looking for approval, You smiled and kissed him back. It hadn’t felt electric like it had with Daryl; you hadn’t even felt your core stirring as it did with him, But it was nice and it made you happy and helped you forget for a minute.

Rick looked back into your eyes, Lovingly brushing the hair from your face “We’ll take it slow okay?” You giggled and put your hand back in his. “Okay slow it is Mr Grimes” He smiled back at you and led you back to the porch back to this incredible family who had accepted you fully flaws and all.

You continued like this in your happy bubble trying to ignore that strange niggling feeling in the pit of your stomach. 

One night after you had put both of the kids to bed you decided it was time to break the cycle of sweet kisses and cuddles in the night, You needed to feel something more, You needed to know if it was just Daryl that could make you feel like you did or if Rick could do too.

Coming down the stairs you spotted him in his usual spot on the couch, Head back, Eyes closed with a glass of whiskey in hand. 

You took a deep breath, this was your time to try. You headed over to him swiftly straddling him and took the whiskey from his hand, Draining it in one and placing the glass on the table behind you.

Rick looked up at you curiously, Carpe Diem, Seize the day You thought to yourself pushing your lips to his urgently. He met your urgency with his, Wrapping his arms around your hips and pulling your core closer to his. 

You reached down to the buttons on his shirt, Fumbling slightly as you opened his buttons. Once you had finished with the top button he pulled his arms away from you letting you remove it fully. 

Your hands happily roaming his chest now. Rick put his hands to your hips grabbing the sides of your shirt and pulling it over your head, his hands now reaching to the clasp of your bra and his lips moving to your neck kissing and sucking with need.  

“Wait! The curtains!” You moved off his lap, Your hands covering your almost naked chest, You looked out briefly across the street to see if anyone had seen Rick came up behind you wrapping his hands around you, Kissing your neck. You giggled, grabbing the curtains and slamming them shut. 

Turning around you let your lips meet his again, stumbling back to the couch you let him lay you down and remove your jeans, You watched as he stood and kicked his off too. With you both now only in your underwear he lay on top of you grinding his erection into your core, his hands and lips now roaming around your chest. 

You let out a stifled moan covering your mouth with your hand, The last thing you needed was the kids walking in on this, Rick wandered your body for a few minutes kissing every inch of your bare chest and stomach. 

He made his way back up to your lips kissing you sweetly before asking “You’re sure about this Y/N?” 

Rick’s Pov

He had been unsure how to feel about this new closeness with Y/N, His kids sure seemed to love her. He was starting to think it may be possible that he did too. 

Once Judith had started calling Y/N Mama it had settled it for him, Watching them day after day together, Watching her teach Carl about medicine. She had brightened up a once somber home.

Hell she was brightening him up, After losing Abe and Glen to Negan he didn’t think it would be possible to laugh and have a carefree day again, Between all the commotion with Y/N and Negan’s threat still looming she was the most incredible distraction. 

He was happy to move at her pace, After everything she had been through she deserved to take things slowly for once and for the first time in a long time they had a home that gave them time. 

As a man he couldn’t say he didn’t want her, In fact he couldn’t keep his eyes off of her, Every time her body brushed against his he felt all the heat from his body move to his groin, Desperate for more but unwilling to push her before she was ready. 

He couldn’t believe it when she had come down and jumped on him, He thought it was one of his dreams at first, When he saw her beautiful body undressing in front of him he thought he could have exploded right there. 

Groaning when she moved off of him to close the curtains, He couldn’t take anymore and followed her putting his hands all over her body enjoying the glorious heat coming from her body, How sweet her neck tasted. It was so overwhelming.

He got her back to the couch knowing they would never make it upstairs. It was like the fever had taken hold and his body was burning for her. Hearing the sweet moans coming from her nearly pushed him over the edge again.  He had to last longer than this, She deserved it.

Trying to stem his emotions, Needing to make sure he hadn’t pushed her too far.

“You sure about this Y/N?”

He could see the fire in her eyes as she nodded “Yes, I’m sure” Bringing her lips to his again urgently pushing her tongue inside his mouth, He me it swirling and dancing their tongues together. 

Annnnnd just like every other time he had tried to enjoy himself, Someone just had to ruin it. 

There was banging at the door “RICK, RICK we need ya naw!” 

Shit! Daryl! 

He saw the panic in Y/N’s eyes too as you both jumped up and hurriedly dressed, “JUST A MINUTE!” He checked himself and you over making sure you were both clothed and opened the door to him “What? Where’s the fire?” 

“It’s Negan, He’s early” 

He locked eyes with “Y/N, You got the kids?” 

“Yeah i’ve got them don’t worry just go!” 

Rick ran after Daryl down the street towards the gate when he came across them, As always trying to instil fear in his people. He felt the rage replace the previous burning lust. He knew he had to keep this down or he could risk someone being hurt. 

“Well well Good old Ricky boy” He nodded at him “Negan, You’re not due for another 3 days! We aint ready for you yet” 

Negan laughed “What do i care if you’re ready? You’re ready when I say you are! You should have learnt this already or should I have lucille teach your guys another lesson?” 

“NO! We’ll get ready, Just give me some time”

“I’ll give you some time Ricky boy, I could sure use a drink! Keepin you asshole’s in check is thirsty work”

“I’ll have someone bring you something”

“You call that hospitality? I came here to your town to do business and you don’t even invite me into your home for a drink? Now that won’t do. Besides I don't see Carl and that badass is much better company than you pussy’s” 

Negan brushed past Rick Lucille resting on his shoulder and walked cockily up to Rick’s home, Acting as if he lived there he just wandered straight into the house. 

“Well aint this a surprise! Rick the prick has been keeping you hidden! What’s your name sweetheart?”

Y/N pov

You looked at Negan hate filling your eyes, You stayed silent trying to convey all the hate and anger you could in that one glare when suddenly a noise on the stairs broke your concentration, Head whipping around there was Carl rubbing his eyes still in his Pyjamas. “Carl go back to bed sweetie, Don’t come down here” 

“Now now girly. I’ll have you know he’s the one i’m here for! Get your ass down here Carl”

You looked at him desperately now “Please he’s just a child, He’s tired let him go back to bed” You pleaded with him. 

He smirked back at you. “Well i can’t say no to a pretty face. I’ll tell you what you mosey on and get me a drink and tell me your name honey and carl here can go back to his sweet dreams” 

You jumped up and grabbed the Whisky from the side board and a glass slamming them on the coffee table and rushing towards Carl “It’s Y/N” You muttered before ushering Carl back to his room.

“Stay here Carl, Lock this door and don’t come down no matter what you hear” 

“I’m not a kid Y/N i can handle myself” 

“I know you can Carl you could probably do better than me, but we need you to stay here with Judith and keep her safe. Can you do that for me?” 

He looked thoughtfully for a minute and nodded “Yeah i can do that” You kissed his brow “Thank you, Thank you. I’ll come and get you when he’s gone” 

You descended the stairs slowly, eyes flicking between the men in the living room, Negan was sitting in the same place you and Rick had been earlier and Rick & Daryl were standing by the window being guarded by two men each. You stood by the door eyeing him warily. 

“Well come on down Y/N Come sit by me, Have a drink, I promise i won't bite…. Well not unless you ask me to” Winking as he said this.

You poured yourself a glass and sat as far away on the two seater couch as you could. 

“I think you guys need a lesson in manners! When i said sit by me i wasn’t kiddin!” He grabbed your arm pulling you to his side and wrapping his arm around your shoulder pinning you too him, He raised his other hand and ran his fingers across your face to your mouth. 

“God, Aint she a pretty thing! That mouth looks damn great” He looked at Rick now “Now if you were a polite host you’d let me have a go at the pretty little mouth, I bet it can do some dirty, Dirty things. Am i right Rick?” 

You whimpered trying to escape his grasp, Feeling the tears of anger threatening to fall. 

A few seconds later both Rick and Daryl were forced to the floor as they both tried to get to you. Daryl yelled “Get ya no good mitts off her!” While Rick yelled something similar. 

“Shit, They double teaming you sweetheart” You glared at him still not speaking. “Well? Cat got your tongue? I come here in good faith just wanting a drink with a pretty girl and you just look at me like that? I can make you talk Y/N. I’ll show that one Lucille's thirsty side if you want?” Starting towards Daryl

“No!” You screamed, Negan Laughed in response. “You gonna do as you're told now sweetheart?” You nodded letting the tears fall now. 

Pour me another drink and come and sit right here, He patted his lap for emphasis. You felt the revulsion coming up your throat as you did as he asked, Your face sheet white not daring to meet the eyes of Rick or Daryl as you sat in his lap. You thrust the drink into his empty waiting hand. 

“You wanted to talk so talk” You spat at him mustering all the venom you could. 

He laughed “What no foreplay? Bet you could be real dirty” He used his free hand running it up your thigh. “And what makes you say that?” You said Glaring at him “Well for one, Your shirts on inside out darlin” He said pulling at your shirt enough to see down it.

 They couldn’t fully restrain Daryl now. “Get ya dirty fuckin paws off of her, Don’t ya touch her.” The two guarding Daryl had forced him back to his knees now. 

“Now now” Negan tutted, “This won’t do. I’m sorry to ruin such a lovely date darlin but that one’s got to be taught” He released you now pushing you onto the couch before rising and nodding to his men who dragged Daryl from the living room whilst the others released Rick, Rick ran straight to you pulling you in arms, “You ok Y/N” “I’m fine, Daryl, Daryl needs you” 

You both made for the door to see Daryl on the floor being repeatedly kicked in the stomach Rick tried to restrain you and talk Negan down at the same time. You fought past him and flung yourself over Daryl protecting his body “Stop this! I’ll do whatever you want Negan just leave him alone” 

“Now that’s more like it!” Negan whistled at his men to stop and grabbed your arm again pulling you tightly against his chest and his core. Holding you there for a moment smiling at your squirms. “Thought this was your woman, Not his. Guess your anyones aren’t you honey”

Daryl tried to stand back to his feet stumbling back to his knees as he tried to make it to you again. 

Negan laughed again “Looks like you’ve got a lot on your hands, The sanctuary’s doors are always open for a sexy ass like you, So come find me when you want a real man” He grabbed your ass as he said this kissing your cheek and then releasing you. 

You rushed back to Daryl kneeling in front of him again protectively. “C’mon Sheriff lets go check on my goodies” Rick looked at you worried, You nodded back at him and he left with Negan. 

Carol and Sasha were there in a flash. You looked at Carol desperately “It’s ok Y/N i'll stay with the kids you take care of him” Without a second thought you turned back to Daryl putting his arm around your shoulders and lifting him. Sasha rushed forward and grabbed the other side helping you carry him to infirmary.

When you had made it Sasha hurried back out the door to check how the situation was going with Negan. 

You started cleaning Daryl’s face softly watching his eyes flutter open as you did.

“Y/N?” He tried to stand “Where is he? I’ll fuckin kill him!” 

“Shhh, Daryl Shh it’s ok. You're ok.  Rick’s with him” He lay back down his eyes trying to hide the pain as you said Rick’s name. 

“What ya even doin here Y/N Aint cha gotta get back to your boyfriend”

Hearing him say boyfriend like that boiled your blood “I’m here because your stupid ass got yourself beat up and I had to jump in to stop them killing you! What did you do that for! Why did you even care?”

“Ya boyfriend sure as shit weren’t gonna do it, Ya expect me to watch that piece of shit Negan run his hands all over ya too?” He spat at you before continuing.  “He were lookin where he shouldn’t, He was lookin at what was mine” 

“Fuck you Daryl, I’ve managed to take care of myself pretty fucking well with out you and yours? You gave up the right to call me yours when you pussied out.”

“Don’t call me that! Ya call what you've been doin well? You let him put your hands all over ya Y/N You let Spencer - “

Yelling now “Don’t even fucking go there! How fucking dare you. You have no idea, Yeah you said you heard me tell Carol but you have no idea what it was like being there. You have no idea what he did to me! He was relentless! He made me wish I was out there with the dead, I’d have rather been torn apart by walkers over and over again” 

Anger flared in you again when you felt the burning tears on your face. Wiping them away furiously you refused to let him see you cry. Not now.

His eyes had softened now “Y/N i didn’ mean too I’m sor-” 

“I don’t want your sorry’s Daryl, I want you to lie down, shut up and let me take care of your wounds so we can go back to pretending the other doesn’t exist” 

He tried to speak again, You shoved his shoulder down on to the bed “I said don’t, I don’t wanna hear it”

He cast his eyes downwards and let you continue with your work. You checked him over, pulling his shirt off nonchalantly as you could manage trying to keep your breathing steady when you saw his rippling muscles. You were pissed that after everything your body still craved him. You felt yourself blush as your mind wandered for a few moments remembering all the kisses you had laid over that incredible chest all the times your nails had dragged down his skin in ecstasy. 

Shit, He had noticed your blush, You turned away clearing your throat. “All done, You can leave now” 

There was silence for a few minutes neither of you moving, The tension building by the second. 

“Why was your shirt on backwards Y/N?” he breathed clearly not really wanting to know. 

“Don’t be Naive Daryl. You know why” 

“So you….You….With him?” 

You took a breath sighing you couldn’t lie to him “No I didn’t, We didn’t get that far. I don’t know if we would have done” 

“I disturb ya?” You nodded feeling oddly ashamed. 

Surprisingly he grinned “So in all that time, Ya never did?” 

“So what? Rick gave a shit about me! He gave me time to heal and be ready!” 

“Nah he didn’t he just knew ya wern’ his” 

You rolled your eyes, Not this again. 

“I’m my own Daryl, You need to stop thinking you have a claim on me” 

He rushed up to meet you amusement in his eyes “If i had no claim on you, Then ya’d of let him do it and you didn’ “ 

He pulled you close to him now, Your body betraying you and instantly melting into his. 

“Ya mine and ya know ya are!” 

He didn’t give you a chance to argue as he pressed his lips to yours, You unwittingly moaned into his mouth opening for his tongue naturally letting him in and letting him take charge. 

Daryl gripped your hips pushing you backwards and then up onto the bed. He pulled his lips away letting his forehead rest on yours, Both of you taking a moment to catch your breath.

“I’m yours Y/N just like ya mine Y/N we belong to each other always have.” He said confidently, You looked in his eyes seeing only the truth. He continued “An i won’ hear ya deny it again”

“I’ll show ya every minute how serious i am, I’ll make ya believe me when i say i love ya. I love ya so fuckin much.” He looked awkward before blurting out “I’ll show ya if you marry me.”

Holy shit! Did he just say what you think he did? He pushed his lips to yours again murmuring “marry me” between every sweet kiss. Not allowing you to think he was fully on you again, You could no longer tell your body from his with the rush of lust burning in you. His hands were like fire pushing their way up the back on your shirt pulling you closer. 

You were ripping his shirt open now, Buttons flying in your desperation to get back to his chest, He followed your lead now pulling your shirt roughly over your head and bringing his lips to your neck sucking and biting. 

You pushed his vest and the remains of the shirt off his shoulders hearing it hit the ground you hurriedly moved your hands to his belt undoing it, Then his button and zip. Hearing his jeans hit the ground you smiled into his lips, Grasping his huge member with your hand and pumping it. “God Y/N slow down your going to rip it off before we get to the good part!” 

You slowed slightly earning a grateful moan from him, He fumbled with your button moaning into your neck. Tugging at it again he lifted your hips and ripped the jeans from your legs. 

He looked down at your writhing against him, “Damn girl those pantie’s again?” He played with the lace in his fingers for a moment before pushing his finger through the fabric creating a hole. 

He looked at you mischievously “oops, Guess these are no good now huh?” 

Your mouth dropped open as you watched him grab your panties with both hands ripping the fabric from you. Scraps of fabric falling from his hands, He wasted no time cupping your heat and pressing on finger to your opening, Swirling it slightly. He Moaned into your mouth again “Always so wet for me Y/N” he brought his finger to his lips sucking it. “Mmmhm so sweet”

Your eyes fixed on each other as he slowly knelt between your legs bringing his face between your legs and licking you slowly, Running his fingers tips softly down the inside of your thighs making you shudder. 

As much as you hated to admit this to yourself after everything that had happened, You knew nothing and no one could make you feel like Daryl did, It was like your body was attuned to him. Desperately craving more, Needing more of him. 

He ran his tongue down from your clit to your opening, Darting it inside you. “Oh shit! Mm Daryl” You moaned. 

His thumb moved to your clit swirling around it urgently while lapping up your juices as they came. 

“Aahhh babe i'm gonna cum, Get up here please!” 

He smirked up at you “Tell me who’s ya are Y/N”

He swapped his hand and mouth around driving two fingers up to the hilt in you, nibbling on your nub softly and attacking it with his tongue. 

The dam holding back your pressure burst suddenly, Crying out you held his head into you and rode out your release on his hand. He moved his mouth back to your opening drinking every drop that leaked from you. 

Gasping you felt the pressure retreat from your body, You saw Daryl's mouth still working on you and felt the heat returning so suddenly. 

He left a sweet kiss on your nub running his hands up your body and standing between your legs again, You saw he must have removed his boxers during as you could see his amazing length propped up against his stomach. 

You licked your lips staring hungrily at it. He pumped himself a few times before bringing the tip to your folds. You pushed your hips further towards him dying to feel him inside you again. 

He held your hips in place stopping you. Holding his lips close to your ear. “Who’s are ya Y/N Tell me or i walk” 

“For fuck sake Daryl! You know! I’m yours now take me!” You growled. 

“Tha’s better girl” He nipped your ear still holding your hips tightly and drove himself into you hard. You whimpered when you felt him fill you to the brink, You would never get used to his size. 

“FUCK” You screamed as he held himself still inside you waiting for your body to open up further for him. 

“God, I’d almost forgotten how big you are!” You exclaimed, Resting your head on his shoulder. 

“Trust me Y/N, I aint ever gonna let ya forget again” He growled into your ear pulling almost all of the way out before thrusting deep into you again

“I’ll never forget how tight ya are, how ya get so fucking wet fer me.” 

All of him was sending your senses into overload seeing his incredible body, His hands touching you everywhere, Muscles rippling under your fingers, The words he spoke taking over your every thought, His scent masking yours now and his sweet taste lingering in your mouth. 

It was too much to take with his rhythmic pounding. You felt your walls tightening while your nails dragged down his skin, “Tha’s it girl cum for this cock”

You tried to hold on waiting for his release. “Y/N i can’t hold on much longer, Let go for me baby”

His words sent shivers down your spine and you felt yourself explode around him, Crying out and falling backwards on the bed. He leant over you gripping the bed at the side of you pounding harder into you, Taking your nipple in your mouth he moaned onto it.

Your walls were clenching now with the remnants of your release driving him over the edge. He moved his mouth to your shoulder biting down hard trying to control his loud moans.

With a few last pushes into you he pushed himself to the hilt inside you crying out your walls draining every last drop of him. His arms faltered and he collapsed onto your chest. 

You were both gasping for air then, Your head still blissfully foggy. Holding him in your arms grateful for this moment, This was where you belonged. In this moment he was starting to feel like your Sun again. 

He pushed up and out of you now lying down fully on the bed and pulling you on top of him. 

“Round two?” He grinned. “I think we had best go see what’s going on outside, Negan’s still here and I need to talk to Rick.” You sighed looking away from him “This isn’t fair on him” 

Regretfully you got up from Daryl and handed him his boxers, You both got dressed slowly not wanting the moment to end. 

Once you had dressed making sure your top was on the right way round this time, Daryl left his shirt there as it was useless now. You turned to him “You ready?” 

He held your face in his bringing you to him and giving you a long loving kiss. He sighed contentedly “I am now” 

You placed another kiss on his lips. “Ok, Time to get back to real life!” 

As you walked through the door Daryl went to hold your hand, You pulled away looking at him apologetically. “Not yet Daryl, I still need to talk to Rick. I don’t want to hurt him” He nodded at you “Ok but talk soon?” You nodded back and left the infirmary. 

Heading towards the group at the gates you noticed even with the limp he now had from the beating he took earlier he seemed to be walking a little taller, You smiled wiping it quickly and putting a serious face on. 

“Y/N! Came to take me up on my offer of a real man eh?” Negan said cockily striding over to you. You stayed silent glaring over at Daryl hoping he got your meaning and didn’t try anything again. He balled his fists but stayed in place. Rick made his way over to you now looking between you and Daryl curiously before putting his body in front of yours. 

“You got what you came for Negan, I think it's time you let us be” 

“Oh hoho! Rick the Prick getting jealous!” He turned to you winking “I’ll be back to see you again Real soon Y/N Make sure you’ve got a glass waiting for me and i'll have a lap waiting for you” 

Leaning forward he kissed you cheek and whispered in your ear “Nice to see you got your top back on the right way” You blushed furiously and noticed Daryl had come to your other side fists still balled up close enough to strike if he tried to touch you again. 

Negan put his hands up in defense “All righ guys and gals, Pack it up and let's get rolling”

Turning back to you “Awh hell and one for luck” He pointed at you with Lucille and pointed to his cheek. You swallowed your revulsion and pecked him quickly on the cheek before darting back to Rick and Daryl. Rick and Daryl both went to put their arms around you protectively and you brushed them off. “Oooh you do have the boys in a tizzy!” 

With that he jumped into the van patting the door and left Alexandria. The group as a whole let out a collective sigh when the last of the cars drove out and the gate had been slammed shut behind them. 

Rick put his arm around you nodding at Daryl “We need to go make sure the kids are alright. Goodnight Daryl” You nodded at him too and allowed Rick to pull you home knowing this was going to be difficult. 

You think a part of you did love Rick but it wasn’t fair to him to continue this when you knew how you and Daryl felt about each other. 

When he closed the door behind you, You headed straight up to Carl’s bedroom to check on him and Judith. Judith was sleeping peacefully and Carl was by the door waiting for you, You guessed he had been at the window for a while watching out for danger, Your little ranger. 

Carl let out a big yawn when you told him all was fine, You saw him back in bed tucking him in and kissing his forehead goodnight before heading down to Rick. 

“Whiskey?” You asked walking into the kitchen. “Please” You grabbed two glasses and poured a hefty amount into each. Knowing it would definitely be needed. 

“Porch?” He nodded in agreement and you both made your way to the swing instead of taking your usual place curled into him you sat on the other side of the bench looking at the glass in your hands. 

“Soooo -” You started awkwardly. “It’s ok Y/N, I know.” You looked into his eyes “You do?” 

“I do, I think I always knew you were jus passin through, On your way back to him. Jus promise me one thing?”

You nodded still in shock at how easy this conversation had gone, You took a big gulp of your whiskey. “Anything”

“Promise me you’ll still be around for the kids, I know we didn’ intend it but with Judith now seein you as her mum, I just can’t bear to see her lose another one.” 

You leant forward now putting your hand in his “Rick i love those kids, Like they were my own. If they want me I will always be here for them whether its like a mum or whatever they want me for, I’m here.” 

His turn now to take a big sip of his drink, He pulled you into him, You let him curling into his chest like always. “I don’t want anything to change with you either Rick, I still love you. It’s just a different kind of love” You looked up at him and allowed him to press a loving kiss to your lips. 

The kiss was a goodbye to what could have been. Breaking the kiss and nuzzling back into his chest, You laughed “I’ll still be here to cook the kids dinner can’t let their dad poison them!” He chuckled back at you, “The doors always open Darlin an your rooms always waitin for you if you ever need it again”

Daryl had made his way over to you both nervously, Rick nudged you. “Evenin Daryl” “Rick” He said curtly staring at you. You kissed Rick on the cheek and stood up out of his arms making your way to Daryl putting your hand in his you smiled at him. 

Rick chuckled again “No need to look so nervous man, Y/N and i had a chat about it. Were cool, Wouldn’t be right if i stood in the way” 

Daryl looked visibly relieved moving from you to Rick giving him a swift hug. You headed into the house and up to Rick’s room packing your small bag of things. On your way back down you popped your head in on Carl and Judith smiling happily as you saw they were both asleep. 

Heading back to the porch Daryl had your glass in his hand now empty. 

“Kids are asleep, I’ll be by at breakfast to talk to Carl. I think he needs to hear it from me” 

Rick nodded at you looking nervous all of a sudden. “I’m gonna be leavin on a run to gather more supplies for Negan’s next visit. Can you watch the kids for a few days? I’ll let you know when?” 

You smiled “Happy too. See you at breakfast!” 

You and Daryl left the porch, He took the bag from you lugging it over his shoulder, You walked past the house he shared with Carol and aimlessly walked around the town. Daryl was the first to break the silence. 

“That was too easy righ?” “Yeah, But he’s a great guy just wanted us to be happy” 

He looked uncomfortable brushing the hair in front of his eyes “Why’d ya kiss him Y/N?” 

“Don’t worry love, That was just goodbye” 

He nodded thoughtfully. You stopped near the fence “Don’t be jealous Daryl, Rick will always be a huge part of our lives, Especially now… They became my family… Don’t make me choose” 

“I wouldn’t dream o’ it sunflower” “Good because you’re basically a step dad now, Sure you don’t wanna run Dixon?” 

He laughed awkwardly “I’ll take it as long as it comes with ya. Jus don’t make me wait too long. I’ll be wantin my own” 

Your eyes went wide. “Really?” He pulled you to him, “Yah really. And I want to start the fun bit right now.” 

You knew it was coming this time but it still made you gasp when he bent down and threw you over his shoulder heading home with urgency. You laughed smacking his ass as he walked. “Always with the caveman routine Mr Dixon” 

He smacked your ass back grunting “Man know how fire work” Eliciting a full laugh from you, You loved silly Daryl, Who were you kidding you loved every mood of the frustrating Daryl Fucking Dixon. 

You waved to Carol in the living room still over Daryl’s shoulder, She grinned back at you as he kicked the door open to the basement and carried you down. Throwing you on the bed you moved to pull him too you. He pushed you back. 

“Naw wait a minute lil lady!” He rushed across the room searching in a draw, He was holding something in his hand now coming back to you. 

You sat up curiously “Daryl what’s -” He cut you off “If you’d shh for one damn minute i’ll tell ya..” He looked at you amused. 

You pressed your finger to your lips cheekily. He looked nervous again now. 

“I got this on the run just before...Well before all that. I knew then I had to have ya be mine” 

He unfurled his fingers holding a beautiful silver and diamond ring out to you. 

“I were serious, I want ya to marry me. Naw Gabe has set up the church we can do it all official like if ya wan’” 

“If you want to do it all official Mr Dixon you’ll be needing to get down on that knee for me!” 

He chuckled at you instantly following orders. 

“Will ya be mine….For Always” 

You paused making him squirm for a minute before smiling “Yes Daryl, I absolutely will.” Happy tears springing to your eyes.

He gave you that beautiful megawatt smile you loved trying to put the ring on the wrong finger fumbling with nerves, You laughed and helped him put it on the right one before moving onto his lap sweetly kissing him. 

Pulling you up to him he kissed you gently moving his lips from yours down to your chest. You moaned his name, The loving kisses driving you wild already. 

You stripped each other slowly savouring the moment. Lying back on the bed bathed in the moonlight he pulled away staring into your eyes, before slowly moving his fingers up your inner thigh around your core, Making sure to not touch too close to your core. 

His fingers traced a bath over your stomach to the other thigh and down he bent his head kissing you from where he started and followed the same path his fingers had run, Following his kiss with his fingers again.

Not once did you break eye contact. He moved from your legs repeating the same movements over your arms across your collarbone down the other arm kissing your ring finger before moving to your lips. 

You wanted to remember the way the moonlight glistened on his skin forever, You closed your eyes letting him kiss you deeply, Moving over you and shadowing your body with his, He nudged your legs apart slightly breaking away from the kiss. 

He stared into your eyes again filled with love before he moved his eyes to your lips slowly pushing inside you. Watching your lips form an ‘o’ gasping as you felt him slowly enter you. 

It was too much to take you pushed your lips to him deeply again letting him make love to you slowly. 

Like every time before it you didn’t think He was capable of out doing himself again. But he did! 

It was heaven, every hair on your body standing on edge, He rested his forehead on yours not breaking eye contact again as you both quickly became undone under each other's gaze. 

Moaning each other’s names, His slow rocks into your body becoming more urgent as he approached his limit, Seeing the effect the slow love making had had on him sent you over the edge, Moaning his name louder now your body shook, grinding down needing to feel all of him. He exploded into you watching your rolling orgasm. The pulsing of his cock making the rolls of pleasure last longer. “Oh god, Oh god Daryl Mmmm Baby, I love you”

“Fuck Y/N I love ya so much” His body twitched as the last of his seed emptied deep inside you. He rolled to the side thoroughly spent gasping for air. 

All you could see was stars now. Panting to calm yourself down you rolled onto his chest. Curling into him. 

Your eyes struggling to stay open after that earth shattering orgasm. 

You whispered, “For Always, my sun”

He kissed your head “For Always Sunflower” 

You fell into a blissful sleep, There was not a single person who could of been happier than you ever again not with Daryl Fucking Dixon by your side. 

<---- Previous Chapter

[favefandomimagines]

Then Let Me Go (g.w.)

Summary: you’ve been with George since your third year at hogwarts and you wondered if he’d ever propose

AN: this was inspired by a season 3 episode of glee where emma talks to will about marrying her and her OCD and i switched it up and used anxiety instead which is something i deal with all the time

You and George were the epic love story. You beat the odds, survived a war and had reached a mile stone of almost a decade together.

And yet you were at a stand still. Everyone around you was either married or engaged to be married.

Fred had just gotten back from his honeymoon with Angelina, Ron just got married to Hermione and Harry proposed to Ginny two months prior.

And then there was you and George. The epic love story that was grinding to a halt. That thought alone made your anxiety and overthinking worse than it’s been.

Being a half blood, you knew what anxiety was. Your mother had it when she was your age and it was something you dealt with every day. Your boyfriend had known about your illness early into your friendship, long before you were dating.

He was always there for you but now that he was the thing causing your anxiety, you didn’t know who to turn to.

George not proposing made you second guess everything you did. Thinking that the smallest wrong thing would lead to George to admit he didn’t want to marry you.

You were beginning to feel self-conscious and almost like you not revelling in the greatness that is pre marital or post marital bliss, you were a burden.

No one who’s married or engaged wants to hang out with the only person who’s not.

Angelina’s birthday was coming up and Fred had entrusted you in planning the event. Which you said yes to because not only was she your best friend, it distracted you from the constant mental chatter.

You were sitting at your kitchen table, going through the various ideas you had for Angelina’s party.

“Hello, darling.” George greeted you as he entered your shared home. “Hi, Georgie.” You replied, eyes not leaving your plans. “Are you still planning the party?” He asked.

The redhead sat across from you as he watched you hyper focused on your work. “Uh, yes. I just want everything to be perfect. I feel like there’s something missing.” You answered.

“Y/N, it’s going to be perfect. You just have to relax.” He said. “I can’t relax, George.” You muttered, hating the way he told you to relax.

“What’s really going on? I know there’s something wrong, there has been for months.” He commented.

You stopped your movements for a moment before looking up at him.

“D-Do you want to be with me? As in husband and wife?” You questioned. “Of course I do. But planning a wedding and having kids can be a lot for your anxiety, love. I don’t want you to be in that kind of environment.” George answered.

Though his answer was caring, thoughtful and putting you first, you were frustrated by it.

“George, I’m more than just this disease that I have. Every single day is riddled with anxiety but that doesn’t stop me from pursuing the things I love. I got a job at the ministry for Merlin’s sake, despite the constant feeling of not being good enough and that I don’t deserve it.” You started.

You paused to keep your emotions in check but George knew you like an open book.

“I want to marry you, George, I want to be your wife. But if me being so irrevocably in love with you isn’t enough and you only see my anxiety, then you need to let me go. Because this whole time I’ve been watching everyone in my life have what I want. And it’s not fair to either of us to stay in a relationship that’s come to a stand still.” You finished.

You cleared your throat and stood up from the table, heading into the guest bedroom. Locking the door behind you.

George inwardly groaned has he put his head in his hands. The truth was, he had decided he was going to propose to you a long time ago but then he had a conversation with one of his old friends from school and their words got in his head.

Your anxiety would just get worse if you had to plan a wedding and having to care and worry for a child would add on to that. But he was so incredibly wrong for letting that get to him.

—

It had been a week or so since the truth was revealed and Molly had invited you and George to the Burrow for a family dinner.

You and George hadn’t really talked since that day. He made it clear to you that he didn’t want to lose you or end the relationship that you both had jumped through hoops to keep.

The conversations were the usual, normal ones. Neither you of mentioning your previous conversation but the tension was very noticeable.

The whole Weasley family could tell something was off. The extended members included. You and George were usually the couple everyone wanted to be like and now, they couldn’t be happier they weren’t.

Before dinner was ready, Molly had asked if you could help her prepare dinner. 

Now you’ve known Molly for years and she rarely asked people for help in the kitchen. The last time she did, it was holiday break and George asked you out the next day.

“Is there something going on with you and George?” She asked you. That was when you broke. No one had been upfront enough to ask you and the fact that someone had, was enough to make you let down your walls. 

“I asked him if he thought about marrying me and he basically said he didn’t want my anxiety to ruin it. I didn’t think it was that much of an issue that he didn’t want to marry me.” You cried to the woman. 

Molly wrapped you in a tight embrace and cooed you as you cried. “I don’t know what else I can do.” You added. The Weasley matriarch feared for your relationship. 

Not only had you had a positive impact on his son but her family as well. Her and Arthur saw you as another daughter and they loved you as if you were their own. She didn’t like seeing you hurt especially at the hands of her son. 

After a few minutes of her consoling you and cleaning yourself up, you helped her bring dinner out on to the table and took your ‘assigned’ seat next to George. 

He could tell you had been crying. He knew that when your eyes were a little puffy and your eyelashes were damp, that you had been crying over him.

You had three types of crying; the crying over a book, which usually involves a couple stray tears. The frustrated crying, that involved you yelling and sobbing at the same time. And the crying over a boy. Which was quiet and sad, and he knew it quite well because it had been reserved for him for the past decade.

Under the table he placed a comforting hand on your thigh and he felt you tense under his touch before softening slightly. 

Dinner soon came to an end, after the hour of grueling wedding talk and questions about when Fred and Angelina were having kids. 

Everyone could see the distant look on your face as they talked about it. The only two people who knew what was actually going on was Angelina and Ginny. 

While you were helping clean up the table with Ginny and Hermione, Molly pulled her son aside to have a much needed conversation. 

“George, what is this I hear about you not wanting to marry Y/N?” She asked. “I-I know how it probably sounded to her. I made it sound really bad. But, I do want to marry Y/N, mum. I just, don’t know how to ask her.” George answered. 

He stuck his hand in his pocket and pulled out the small ring box. “I’ve had the ring for a while I just couldn’t find the right time. It has to be perfect because she deserves nothing less than perfect.” He added. 

“Sweetheart, Y/N will think it’s perfect because the man she loves is asking to spend the rest of his life with her. That’s all she wants. She wants you to want to marry her, flaws and all.” Molly told him. 

George nodded his head as he looked at the ring in his hand. He quietly muttered an ‘excuse me’ to his mother before going to find you. The Burrow was important and significant to the both of you and if that wasn’t the best place, he didn’t know what would be. 

“Y/N, may I borrow you for a second?” He asked you. You looked from him to Ginny as she nodded her head and took the plates from your hand. George intertwined his fingers with yours as he led you outside. 

The two of you walked a ways away from the house, down the path of tall grass before you had come upon the clearing. The sunflowers were in full bloom around you and the air was warm, a slight breeze blowing. 

“What did you need to talk about?” You asked him, avoiding eye contact by looking at the sunflowers blowing in front of you. “Y/N, I need you to know that I love you. I have loved you since I was 14 years old and I have loved you more every day since then. You’re perfect even when you don’t think you are,” George started. 

You didn’t know where he was going with his declaration of love. “It’s like that line from that muggle poem you always say, uh what was it?” He stammered. “We loved with a love that was more than love. It’s from a poem by Edgar Allen Poe.” You interjected. 

“Yes! That’s it! You and I, Y/N, are the epic love story just like that. And that is why I want to marry you. All of you. I want to live my life with you. I want to have kids with you, preferably twins but I’ll love them all the same. My point is,” George paused, getting down on one knee. 

“Marry me, Y/N. Please.” He finished. Your answer to him was wrapping your arms around his neck and kissing him deeply. He didn’t hesitate kissing you back. 

The two of you parted and George looked at you with a smile on his face. “Is that a yes?” He asked. “Of course it’s a yes.” You laughed. George laughed in relief as he took the ring out of the box and slid it on to your finger. 

[cursestothemoon]

A Bench And Piece of Parchment’s Length Away

requested: yess

Cedric Diggory x Ravenclaw!Fem!reader (i just noticed you hadn't specified fem! or not in your request so you’d like me to change it please let me know ill be more than happy to do it!!)

Summary: Cedric likes Y/n, a lot. But every time he tries to talk to her the universe just seems to have other plans, maybe this time he's found a loophole...

Warnings: mentions of vomiting 

Word count: 2571 (i got a tad carried away)

This one is sO cute I really love this one, thank you for requesting

✧✧✧

The first time Cedric tried asking you out didn’t go over so smoothly. It had been a month or so before the Yule Ball and he needed a date, naturally you were first to come to mind. The Hufflepuff had harbored an intense, often even painful, crush on you ever since McGonagall pulled you up in front of the transfiguration class as a ‘model student’. That was third year, now halfway into his sixth, he had to do something about his feelings.

You were sitting with Cho Chang, a housemate of yours, and he couldn’t help but think obviously the universe wanted this to happen because why else would you be sitting, practically alone, just waiting for him to come sweep you off your feet.

He had gotten a bit too cocky.

It was on his way to you, stepping with the utmost swagger, that he noticed Lee Jordan also seemed to be sauntering in your direction and he was significantly closer than Cedric was. Suddenly his walk seemed to lose all of its swagger and he picked up his pace, glaring at the Gryffindor.

Cedric still had hope when Lee reached you first, maybe he wasn’t going to ask you to the ba-

Why were you smiling?

You were being polite right? That’s it you were just polite, he still had his chance.

Not nodding, why have you started to nod your head?

Cedric knew he should’ve turned around but he just couldn’t, his feet wouldn’t let him. His was within earshot now and people had noticed him, he couldn't just turn around now.

“-love to go with you Lee.”

Oh how he wished he’d just disappear, transfigure into a leaf or something and get carried away by the wind.

And Merlin, now you're turning to look at him

Think Cedric

Thin-

“Cho!” He all but shouted, gaining the attention of not only you and Lee, but also anyone else within a five foot radius.

“Cedric, you alright?” Cho smiled up at him kindly.

That was how he ended up asking Cho Chang to the Yule Ball. He felt terrible about it, really, Cho was beautiful, and she was smart, and kind, but she just wasn’t you. Cedric had rushed away from the scene so fast, rather embarrassed, he failed to notice the way your mood had dropped and the look Cho gave you after Lee had left.

--

From that point on he was sure talking to you just wasn’t meant to be, now preferring to watch you from the sidelines. It was a rough week for him following the Yule Ball when Lee seemed to always be just right beside you, luckily Cedric hadn’t had to endure it long.

It was a sunny Wednesday, rather warm, when he got his bright idea. He and his group of friends had been lounging, quite ungracefully, at a bench in the courtyard. It was only when you walked over to them that he popped looking a bit disheveled, his robes a tad askew.

“Hey Y/n.” He put on his most charming smile.

You met his eyes and Cedric swore you grew more beautiful by the day.

“Hi Cedric, sorry to bother but I left my book under the bench yesterday. I just wanted to grab it and I’ll be out of your hair.”

Cedric realized what had happened immediately. They had sat on your bench, well not yours, but there was an unspoken agreement between you and your friends that this bench was the bench you’d all meet at and now he had parked his own behind on it.

“Oh, oh, right.” He was quick to reach down and grab your book scolding himself in the process. He should’ve known it was your book, let alone your bench, he had only watched you sit on it and keep your book under for picking it up on your way to class the next day (lightens the load he presumes) for months now.

He handed you the book and it seemed as if a lightbulb went off. You left your book here, in the courtyard, it was perfect.

Cedric was up, probably most of the night, writing his letter to you. His dorm mates having retired with grunted goodnights, not really caring who he was sending what seemed like a novel of a letter to.

Three broken quills, five pieces of parchment thrown in the rubbish bin, and one ink bottle spill later...he was done. He sealed it carefully and placed it under his pillow hoping he’d catch at least a few hours of sleep before lessons in the morning.

--

It was like clockwork really. He made sure his friends avoided the bench, watched as you strutted your way to the bench, met with your friends before your next lesson, and just before leaving, you hid your book behind one of the thick legs of the bench.

Perfect

He told his friends to go on without him, he’d dropped something and he’d be just a moment. His look around your bench with a feigned expression of curiosity and frustration was enough for his friends to believe what he was saying, or they didn’t have the heart to tell him he wasn’t that great of an actor. Either way, they let him be.

Cedric worked quickly, he pulled out the book from its hiding spot with a small smile, he’d make sure to hold your books for you when (he was certain it was destined) you fell in love with him. He tucked his letter behind the front cover and placed it back into its spot, waiting for you to come grab it in the morning on your way to History of Magic.

--

This morning had been rough for you, your tie did not want to cooperate and now sat crooked enough to drive you mad, and to make matters worse you were late to your History of Magic class. You had grabbed your textbook from under the bench, it was thick and you always hated carrying it hence, the bench, and grumbled your way to class. Upon arrival you were regretfully informed of your five minutes of absence, luckily Professor Binns was feeling generous and let you off with a warning.

You plopped down into your seat and threw open the cover of your book with some dramatics, but you weren’t expecting the book to retaliate and spit an envelope into your lap.  Professor Binns assigned reading from the textbook and you were quick to get it done before you examined the letter further.

The front of the envelope was bare, not a scratch of ink present which only ignited your curiosity. Fumbling, you finally got it open without drawing any attention to yourself and unfolded the letter. The handwriting was neat, uniform, and without a doubt, belonging to a boy.

Dear Y/n,

I hope this letter finds you well, and Merlin I hope it doesn’t rain or else this would be a mess. If everything has worked in my favor, and I pray it does, and you are reading this then I would like you to know how incredibly captivating I find you. You’re quite the sight, I must say, but more than that you are kind and witty. You are smart and confident, in the best, most attractive way possible.

I’ve watched you a lot, wait, no that sounds awfully creepy. I swear I’m not some old prat, or one of the professors. What I was meaning to say was that I’ve admired your beauty from afar for quite some time and it seems as though anytime I try to talk to you face to face things never seem to go as I’ve planned them, so I’m hoping this letter is a bit like a loophole.

Regardless, beauty, grace, and brains like yours deserve to be not only noticed, but complimented. And with the barrier of this parchment, I am not as nervous to tell you, but I’ve fallen in love with you, all of you. I do hope one day I’d be able to hear the same confession fall from your lips in my direction.

All my love,

Badger

Suddenly, your morning wasn’t so bad. Your stomach felt very airy and your face hot, you looked around to make sure no one had noticed just how flustered you became. Luckily, no one did and you were able to put the note into your bag discreetly, just before class was over.

On your way to your next class you thought about who it could be, Badger, what an awfully unique name to go by. The gears in your brain start to turn, it had to be a clue, but what did badger have anything to do-

Hufflepuff.

Your secret admirer was obviously a Hufflepuff and your heart leaped at the idea of it possibly being Cedric Diggory. You had strategically picked the bench where your friends meet you to be the one closest to where he and his friends would usually hang out. Of course you two had talked on a few occasions but he always seemed a bit reserved around you, a flirty remark or two (if you were lucky) and that was it so clearly it couldn’t be him. But oh how a girl could hope.

The next few weeks went on the same way, every Wednesday you’d get your book in the morning and you’d find a letter in it. Each one having a small clue as to who it was, the first one being the pen name Badger, next it was ‘...my family is quite small, just me and my parents…’ , then you got ‘...you’re my lucky charm, you know? If I see you in the stands during a quidditch game, I just know we’ll win…” , the last letter, however, was the reason you were so quick to get to your book today.

“...I’ve decided to just go for it Y/n, I can’t stand not being able to talk to you face to face any longer. In the next letter find my name...”

He had put his name in this letter and you were more than excited to see who it was. You had tried to pay attention, really you had, but the person was just far too sneaky.

And Cedric was proud of it. He had watched you open each letter at the bench, every Wednesday, for the last few weeks. He had gotten very good at hiding the letter in your textbook, some days he’d levitate it into the book, other times he’d bribe some first year to slip in his letter while he watched from afar.  

He was tired of being so far, finally deciding to just go for it, but his stomach couldn’t handle watching you rush to today’s letter and open it far quicker than he's ever seen you open one. Cedric was nauseous with nerves as he quickly rushed to his next class, mumbling out an excuse of having to ask his professor about something.

You tore open the envelope, no time for sentiments now when the name of your secret admirer was just beneath your fingertips.

Dear y/n,

neRve wracking, isn’t It? if You happen to miraCulously harbour an ounce of the feelings i dO for you, meet me at this benCh tonight duRing dinner. if you fail to show, I complEtely understand and will hold nothinG against you, please don’t feel obliGated to do anything for me.

all my love,

baDger

Of course he wouldn’t make it easy, now forcing you to wait until you could get a piece of parchment out to write out all the letters, undoubtedly they also happen to be in the wrong order.

Professor Binns was as monotone as always, his lecture droning on so you found it an opportune time to find out who this mystery man was.

D R I Y C O C R I E G G D

You huffed, quill ready to decipher the letters that just had to be out of order.

GREG YIRDCOCD

Your hand was quick to scratch that one out.

EGGY CODDIRRC

Well that can’t be right

A quiet groan passed through your lips as you set you quill down, eyes going over the letters again. You looked around subtly before you decided to try your luck, it seemed like it would fit.

CEDRIC

You paused, there was no way it would work.

DIGGORY

It fit stupidly well, Hufflepuff, quidditch, only child, stupidly charming and boyish handwriting. The only part not making sense was that they were to you. Of all people he was writing to you. The gasp left your lips and it was far too loud to go unnoticed by the class.

“Sorry, sorry. I just… get really… into the lesson.” You said awkwardly, Professor Binns not buying it but he couldn’t find it in him to really care all that much.

You shrunk back into your seat, hands getting sweaty. You were meeting him… tonight.

--

The air was brisk as you made your way to the courtyard, you chewed at your bottom lip as you thought about Cedric Diggory sitting there waiting for you. The negative thoughts were being pushed away, he just wasn’t the type to play a prank this mean...was he? Or maybe it wasn’t him at all, those twins have been rather quiet lately.

The thoughts seemed to dissipate as you saw him, you were still a few pillars away and he was sitting on the bench looking at the grass so he hadn’t seen you yet. He was wringing his hands together as his knee bounced, he was nervous. The notion made your heart flutter and a small smile appear on your lips, but fueling you with confidence as you walked closer to him.

Cedric was beyond nervous, and if you didn’t show up within the next ten minutes he was sure that he was going to puke into the bushed to his right. Fortunately for him, he lifted his head to see you walking toward him, a beaming smile on your face and just like that, maybe he didn’t need to be so nervous after all.

“Y/n, you cam-” He was cut off, really glad he hadn’t gotten sick.

Once you reached him, overcome with the feeling of not wanting to be so far anymore, you pulled his head down low enough for you to kiss him. Cedric was quick to act, having been waiting for this moment for a while now, and wrapped his arms around your waist tightly. With no room left between the two of you, Cedric deepened the kiss as he felt your hands run through his hair and tug at the ends. And he for sure thought he was dreaming when he pulled away, reluctantly himself, and watched as your lips trailed after his. He couldn’t help but lean back in, capturing your lips again in another kiss before pulling away.

“I love you, Ced.” Your words were whispered with a smile and his brain went fuzzy.

He smiled big, eyes crinkling as he looked at you, lips swollen, and breathing just a tad quicker than normal.

“Well, thank Merlin for that or else you would’ve been sending very mixed signals, darling.”

His hand came up to brush some hair away from your face as you laughed.

“I am completely, irrevocably, in love with you, Y/n.”

[meetmeatthecoda]

I am shocked. And devastated. And just... deeply saddened.

Firstly, I have no ill will toward Megan. It has never seemed like she’s had a 100% fabulous experience on the show, for a variety of reasons, but we certainly don’t know all the facts, and it’s really none of our business. Of course, she has the absolute right to pick whatever projects she wants to work on & when. And who knows, she could want to spend more time with or perhaps grow her family. Regardless, I wish her the best.

Secondly, I am... confused & appalled at the writers. Not only for all their previous poor decisions (which I suppose are, after all, a matter of opinion & more importantly, I’m not interested in going into them right now/again) but for the way they handled this. Just... they obviously knew this was coming - these things have to be decided in advance - & this is how they chose to write their final season with their lead? I’m... aghast. She was straight-up gone for a portion (though we don’t know the truth behind that, to be fair), villianized for most of it, & pretty much hated for all of it. They knew she was leaving & they couldn’t be bothered to at least try to redeem her character & wrap up her arc in a positive way? Not to mention repair her relationship with the other main character, WHICH IS BY THE WAY THE ENTIRE PREMISE OF THE SHOW. I’m just... baffled. Granted, who knows what they’ll pull out of their rears for these last two eps but... I’m not fooling myself into expecting anything good.

Thirdly, all that “real life” business said... personally? I’m so upset. I saw the headline on my phone first thing when I woke up & the most awful horror spread through my chest. I know that sounds dramatic but... listen. This show means a lot to me. For all that I bitch about it (which I know is a lot), this show has been a constant in my life for over 8 years &... that’s a long-ass time. It’s seen me through the end of high school, undergraduate school, graduate school, AND a world-wide pandemic. I made this tumblr specifically to join the Lizzington community, I’ve made such incredible friends through it, & I started writing just for this ship. My time here has been a rock in tough times, a guilty pleasure, & a place to escape. I’ve met amazing people all over the world - some of the loveliest & purest relationships I’ve ever had - and even actual physical penpals, none of which I would have had the opportunity to do without this show. Watching the fandom slowly shrink as friends & acquaintances move on to bigger & better things has been so sad to see & I’m afraid of that just being compounded with the few of us left. I don’t want to lose the friends I’ve made because the show is effectively over. Maybe I’m being overly-sentimental because this is my first active fandom experience but... I don’t care. That’s how I feel. I’m not even sure what I’ll blog about anymore with no show to theorize about, no gifs to cry over, no crappy plots to bitch about. And in terms of fic... I don’t know. I’d certainly like to finish what I have in my line-up, but I’m not sure about after that. I’d love to finish my WIPs & write the vision I’ve always had for my final Lizzington fic. It makes me so sad to think of not writing anymore but if there’s no show? What else can I do? I won’t be stopping immediately but, as I suppose it’s always been, the conclusion of the show is tied to the lifespan of my fics & when one ends... I think so does the other. And that thought makes me so unbelievably sad.

I think I’m mostly gutted because I just wasn’t expecting this. I NEVER thought either Megan or James leaving before the natural conclusion of the show was EVER a possibility. And, more importantly, I thought we had at least one more season. Ever since renewals came into real question around season seven or so, it occurred to me that I should try to prepare for the eventual end. And I was mentally preparing for it! But, since the news that there will be a season 9, I was counting on at least one more year. Would it be bad? Probably. Would it be worth watching? Probably not. Would there be any Lizzington? Unlikely. But would I be able to liveblog & scream about it with my friends? Yes. Would there be inspiration for new fics? You bet. Would there be the smallest, tiniest, little glimmer of hope for Lizzington? .....Yes. Some may argue there was never any hope to begin with (& we would obviously disagree) but that’s the thing about hope: as long as there’s a little, there’s some. But there’s not anymore. Because without Megan, there’s no Liz, & without Liz, there’s no possibility for Lizzington. At least for me. So, to go from counting on at least one more season before it was time to prepare for the end of this whole experience, to suddenly just two episodes is... so painful. Just one week left. After eight seasons. And more than eight years. Usually you have so much more build-up before series finales, which is effectively what this is for me. To not have that just makes everything feel so... pointless. I know it’s not &, despite the shit show this all turned out to be, I WILL have fond memories of this time. And I WILL eventually get over it. It just... feels like a huge loss. Because it is. It’s unexpected. And devastating. And while it’s super dramatic & way over-the-top to say it... I feel like I’m grieving right now. This show - & more so this ship - meant so much to me. And I feel like we lost that today. Who knows what they’ll do in these next 2 episodes - if they’ll chose to retcon the mythology or if they’ll successfully tie up all the loose ends? If they’ll end with Red & Liz on good terms or friends (or more?) or if they’ll OOC tf out of the relationship in an attempt to set things up for season 9 & whatever their weird plans are...

But, I’m sorry, no matter what they’re planning? I won’t be watching season 9. The Blacklist has always - from the first promo - been about Red & Liz & their relationship. TPTB seem to have forgotten that. And to quote Megan... “I think it’s a love story.”

It’s a shame we never got to see it.

[johns-prince]

Let's play the speculation game and say McLennon was real. Going with the common idea that Paul dumped John in India, wasn't the "let's all be friends, write together and go on double dates with our wives" angle Paul seemed to hope for completely delusional? Why would someone with John's issues stick around and celebrate Paul's happiness with someone else after being downgraded?

I have great respect for Paul's decision of not being John's nanny/handler for the rest of his life. But I've always been annoyed by his inability to let the man go for good. Paul, you've made your choice, my friend. Enough with the sad songs about not being called back or turning up on John's doorstep with a guitar when the he was spending time with his own family. People hate that but some things in the world really are black or white. You can't have it both ways.

Why speculate when we know it was and is real 

Alright so, let me try to unpack my thoughts cohesively get ya tinfoil hats on y’all;

If we go with the theory that during 1967, when Paul and John were practically living together and conjoined at the hip, taking LSD together and sharing those intense and intimate experiences that even Pau’s girlfriend Jane had become envious of— John had come to the realization of what he wanted, finally acknowledged it and came to accept it. 

So in India, John tried to confront Paul about their relationship and their “relationship,” and openly admit to Paul that he wanted more, that he was now willing to leave Cynthia and Julian for a life he truly wanted or desired, and that included Paul (but to what extent is what we debate I guess) 

And now that I’m thinking about it, we also know John was sort of beginning to spiral downward in 1968. It was obvious his marriage with Cynthia was at it’s end, and he didn’t want to work on it anymore. He was surrounding himself more with druggies, an unsavory crowd that Cynthia really didn’t approve of (Yoko was part of this crowd) and he was actively pulling away.  

I think John was realizing that, he just wasn’t happy. That, putting everything he had into becoming one of the most successful musicians in the world, to become bigger then Elvis Presley, didn’t make him happy. It didn’t fix what needed fixing in him, what needed addressing. He was still drowning despite it all. 

So you’ve got the trip to India, the boys going in hopes that perhaps the Maharishi Mahesh Yog and his spiritual teachings would somehow give a new perspective on things, produce the answer that would save the band (save John and Paul) from what appeared to be an inevitable downfall. But as we know, that isn’t what was needed. 

John and Paul needed to talk. The lack of consistent communication between them for years and years, and the fact John needed a therapist, he needed rehab. So did Paul, during the White Album era. 

I don’t believe Paul dumped John, but I do think John could have easily misconstrued Paul taking a step back and not willing to just go blindly, impulsively jumping off a theoretical cliff with him, as being rejected. We know Paul had to sort of take the position of ‘think before you leap’, to be more conscious of the actions and decisions he and the others decide to take, and how it would effect them as individuals, and especially them as a band (because frankly the others wouldn’t) and we know that John could be incredibly impulsive, only thought of the consequences after the fact. That, and who’s to say such a proposition and confrontation from John hadn’t scared Paul? Got him feeling those insecurities of his own crawling up. 

Paul wanted a traditional family, he wanted to have a wife and children. But Paul also wanted John, he wanted and loved Lennon-McCartney, and he didn’t think (or he’d hoped) him getting married and having a family would really change anything between them (because John got married and had a kid and they were still able to do go and do whatever they wanted together, so what was the difference—) that he could still keep what he had with John, that they could still stay together after The Beatles split. Get around to writing that musical, and grow old together still writing and making music, still creating together.

How I see it, is that Paul wanted to have his cake and eat it too.

Paul, being fine with keeping the status quo between them, it was safe and enough (right?), but John vehemently wasn’t fine with it anymore, and it wasn’t enough for him. Nothing was enough for him, as we know; John was a very all-or-nothing individual, and expected complete devotion and love from someone, because receiving less felt like rejection and abandonment was only around the corner. This way of feeling and thinking for John was only exasperated by the drugs, his alcoholism, and his spiraling mental health. 

Paul could have tried compromising with John, and John still could have taken that as a complete rejection of his feelings and what he wanted, and what he had hoped and thought Paul also wanted. 

I believe Paul probably didn’t even know himself what he had done wrong, or that he did anything wrong. I don’t think Paul believed he was downgrading John to anything either.

If only they had talked.

Then they returned from India, and the rest as we know it...

“To me, a summary is something like: “gifted, disturbed boy with tremendous amount of drive to outrun a bad childhood discovers love for music and creative soulmate(s) and gives everything he has to become the most famous musician in the world, hoping it will make him happy. He does, but it doesn’t, and people who don’t have his best interests separate him from his friends, his creation and creative spark, and ultimately himself. He’s too screwed up by addiction, mental illness, and unaddressed traumas to change things, so he retreats further into addiction and mental illness, wishing he could somehow regain his lost spark. He makes a few halfway steps toward doing so, but they’re not enough, and ultimately he is killed in front of his apartment building where, 24 hours later, his wife installs the man she had been sleeping with behind his back.”"

— Michael Bleicher, The Artist as a Dissipated Man: Fred Seaman’s “The Last Days of John Lennon.”

Right, so both John and Paul made their choices in life. Some choices and decisions that we as fans and outside observers might never be able to understand, or agree with.

But who’s to say Paul (and John), couldn’t, didn’t, or don’t regret those choices and decisions? 

I get what you’re saying, I understand. Why can’t Paul move on? He made his choices, why is it 40, 50 years later, that Paul can’t just let John go? Let sleeping dogs lie, all that.

Because Paul loved John, still loves John, to this day. 

Because, clearly Paul has some regrets. He regrets how things were handled during the Divorce. He regrets not hugging John enough. He regrets not telling John, when he had the chance and time, that he loved him (and without the help of alcohol) When you love someone so deeply, and suddenly, without warning, they’re taken from you and the world, you regret a lot, and you miss what could have been, the ‘What if’s.’ 

Paul said that what he and John were, were soulmates. I don’t know how it feels to lose a soulmate. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to know how it feels to get the opportunity to love and be around them. 

How awful do you think it is to meet your soulmate, but you cannot freely love them? Can’t just, be, with them? Not in just one way, bestmates, legendary partners, but, as everything that the word Soulmate brings along and includes with it? 

That God decided to have them be of the same sex, during a time where it was illegal to love and be with someone of the same sex, and could even be a potential death sentence to be assumed or thought of as a ‘queer.’ 

So, you take whatever you can with them. 

Then that isn’t enough. One grows restless, desperate for more. It can’t happen, not realistically, not without consequences of varying degrees. 

Strain, miscommunication to none. They communicate through a musical, artistic language which just isn’t enough. Drugs, alcohol, mental illness and emotional turmoil, it’s all too much. It breaks. Soulmates are still flawed human beings. 

You have people who work to purposefully pin them against each other. Parasites and piggybackers. 

A nasty divorce and breakup between two lovers that never were.

And then, after ten years, it’s happening. You two are talking again, things are tense and awkward still sometimes, but something’s changed. You’ve planned on reuniting, couldn’t do it this year, because the studio you wanted was booked. So you plan for after the New Year. 

Then, your soulmate is killed. Just, taken away from you, like nothing. Violently and suddenly. And all the possibilities... The time... Gone. Ripped away from both of you.

I can’t blame Paul for not letting go. I can’t say I’d ever be able to understand the sort of pain and heartbreak he experienced. He still goes through it! It’s still there. He’s just learned how to manage it a bit better. 

I’d say it’s more pathetic then it is annoying— and I don’t mean it in a way to insult Paul. I really don’t. Because John was just as pathetic when it came to his obvious obsession, desire, and love for Paul, too. 

Love, that kind of soul-deep love, it can make you pathetic and hopeless. And it’s not something you can just... let go for good. 

Wanting, or expecting Paul to let go of John for good... Firstly would be impossible, and secondly, how do you let go of a soulmate? John is a part of Paul, whether some like it or not. Can’t really have one without the other. 

Can’t have Lennon without McCartney, and vice-or-versa. Forever intertwined, are they.

[maeiso-trash]

Perfection shatters like glass

Isogai is only perfect because he has to be, not because he wants to be.

A bit of character study(?) and making Isogai cry lol.

Word count: 2,925

Ao3

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The soft glow of the sunlight filtered in through the window, casting a yellow hue inside the living room. Books lay scattered on the table, disorderly stacked. Maehara sat on one end of the couch, observing Isogai, who was positioned at the opposite end, head buried in a book. He observed how delicately Isogai handled the pages, admired how focused he was, golden eyes fixated on the story in front of him. His expressions constantly changed as he read, and Maehara could only assume he was mirroring the character’s emotions. How cute. Makes him want to call Isogai something equally adorable. 

"Hey, can I call you darling?” Maehara asked, his head in the clouds, a dumb grin on his face. 

"I dunno, try it out," Isogai replied, not bothering to look up from his book. He felt the couch sink next to him as Maehara sat beside him. 

"Okay, darling." Maehara's gaze softened, and he felt his heart melt at the taste of the nickname on his tongue. It made him feel old-fashioned, absolutely smitten with his best friend. He stares at Isogai, taking in how his eyes dart up from the book to Maehara, only just processing his words. Maehara chuckles to himself at how cute Isogai's reaction is, albeit delayed. He's way too stupidly in love with his best friend. But he doesn't mind. He admires how the light pouring in from the window makes Isogai's eyes shine. How the curve of his lips tugged up just a little. How his eyes gaze back at him, a little surprised. How his antenna sprung up with his emotions before quickly returning to normal.

Isogai felt his heart skip a beat, and butterflies in his stomach. Blush starts to blend into his cheeks, though it's faint. He can't help but smile, giggling a little inside. He rolls his eyes affectionately, used to Maehara's flirts and sweet nothings. Why he puts up with Maehara, he doesn't know. But they've been close since childhood, and understand each other better than anyone else. He doesn't want to lose that bond. "Since when did you become such a romantic?" He half-jokingly asks, putting his book on the table.

Despite their history together, they feel like inexperienced kids, trying to figure out love for the first time. It's just a simple, sweet pet name. A name that kisses the back of one's hand, makes someone feel like they're floating on clouds. It makes one feel warm and fuzzy inside. It's a feeling akin to the aroma of fresh bread, the personal thought of a handwritten letter. It’s watching the rain pelting down gently on the pavement, staring through frosted glass windows with a warm drink in hand. It’s the sun reaching through the windows at dawn, encasing everything in a warm yellow glow when the world hasn't woken up yet. 

Maehara slowly wrapped his arms around Isogai's waist, peppering featherlight kisses along his shoulder. "Ever since I fell in love with you, darling." Maehara purposefully says it again, and Isogai can practically hear his smile. 

"Pff- stop," Isogai giggled softly, ticklish from the onslaught of kisses. "Th-that tickles."

"Fine, fine. Whatever you say-" Maehara relents, kissing him a final time, "-prince charming."

Ah, that old nickname. 

Isogai doesn't really think it suits him. 

"Prince charming, huh?" he repeats, testing how the title rolls off his tongue. It's a foreign feeling. He doesn't think he deserves such a fancy title. Maybe he's just being modest. "You of all people should know I'm really not that perfect like others say."

Maehara sighs. Having been best friends with Isogai, he knows there is more to him than his charms. He's seen him frightened, and scared. He's witnessed the forgetful and panicky side of Isogai. He's helped him through his meltdowns when the weight of the world on his shoulders was too much to handle. He's seen him angry, and tired. Although, these aren't really flaws to his character. At least that's what Maehara thinks. He ponders deeper, wondering what exactly his friend's weaknesses are. 

Perhaps it's his overly self-sacrificing habits, his selfless acts and priorities. Maybe it's his perfection itself that's his flaw. His own downfall. Maybe it's the outcome of his backstory. The aftermath of the long nights and forced smiles. Taking care of others so much that he forgets to take care of himself. Thinking that he isn't good enough, downplaying his self-worth as he's used to it. He wants everyone else to be happy. He thinks his own opinions don't matter.

No. It can't be that either.

Maehara frowns a bit, and wishes Isogai can realize that he's worthy of the nickname of 'prince charming.' That he's perfect even with imperfections. 

"I do know. But you're still perfect to me. I always called you that when we were kids and you never had a problem then."

"Yeah, when we were playing pretend," Isogai says, a hint of nostalgic melancholy in his voice. He misses those days, when he was happier, when everything was simpler and there wasn't much to worry about. When Maehara would make him a flower crown ‘fit for a prince’ and pretend to be his knight. He isn't too sure how the whole prince thing started, or why Maehara would think of him as one. But that was back then, and now they've grown older. Now they have responsibilities and duties to take care of. He can't live in a world of fantasies and reminisce about the past forever. He wishes he could, but he can't, no matter how much he yearns for it. "This is reality, Hiroto. We're not kids anymore."

"Don't wanna believe it," Maehara spat out with a pout. "You just grew up faster because you had to."

Ah. 

That came out wrong.

But once the words left his mouth, it left a bitter taste on Maehara’s tongue. His throat goes dry and he regrets it immediately. Maehara never really cared for his responsibilities, choosing to fool around and have fun instead. Isogai didn’t have that luxury. 

"Oh, I. . . I see," Isogai trails off, unsure of how to respond. He knows it's the truth, and that Maehara wasn't trying to be mean. Isogai did have to grow up faster than other kids his age. He had to be someone his family could depend on, someone others could rely on. He prioritized others' needs before his own. He still does. He pushes himself a lot and it tears him apart mentally and emotionally. He's tired. He's ‘perfect’ because he has to be. Admittedly, it hurts, not having a normal childhood. Forced into maturing and growing up from a young age. He technically still is a kid, though it doesn't feel like it with the overwhelming weight of the world on his shoulders.

"N-No, Yuuma, I didn't mean. . ." Maehara panics and hugs Isogai just a little bit tighter. He doesn't want to see his best friend cry. Especially because of his own mistake. He would never forgive himself for that. "Sorry." It sounds like a shallow, half-hearted apology, just one measly word. But he can't seem to say anything else. He falls silent and stares blankly at the floor. 

Isogai doesn't break away from Maehara's hold. Maehara’s kisses linger on his skin. The feeling is bittersweet. Isogai gets a sense of deja vu, and he remembers the name he was given that day in class when everyone was given codenames. 'President poverty,' they called him. Almost mockingly, like salt being rubbed on the wound. He bites his bottom lip, remembering who gave him the codename in the first place. 

Maehara Hiroto, his best friend since childhood, the one who understood him most out of everyone. The one who he shared his secrets with, the one who’s been with him through thick and thin. Thinking about it, it almost feels like a betrayal. He glares at the floor.

"President Poverty," he drawled out, venom injected into each syllable.

"Wh-what?" Maehara questions, confused at the sudden change in Isogai’s tone.

Maehara's ignorance, intentional or not, sends Isogai off the edge. "Are you fucking dumb? Wasn't it your idea to give me that codename? My personality isn't just being perfect and poor, y'know!" He practically hisses, prying himself away from Maehara. Isogai frowns at him, glaring at him through misty tinted eyes, pale golden irises losing their shine. "You’re so mean, Hiroto. It's not like I wished to be born into a poor family, for my dad to die, and for my mom to become ill. I didn't want this. I never wanted all these responsibilities. I never wanted to be perfect." He didn't want to be perfect. He wanted to be a kid again. 

"Hey, hey, what's with this all of a sudden?" Because while Maehara knows Isogai well, he can't read his mind, can’t follow the trail of thoughts that lead Isogai to this point.

"You wouldn't understand. You don't have to work your life away just to make sure you survive."

What started from anger turned into tears, and Isogai isn't too sure himself of why he's crying. It just hurts, and he's tired of this life. His life. Overwhelmed with everything, his emotions bottled up only to crash in waves. All his life, other people always reminded him that he was poor. They’d point and laugh at something he couldn’t even control. His financial situation was always their go-to insult. And he’d always brush it off with a forced smile, trying to block the insults from his memory. It always hurt whenever he remembered them. 

Maehara never really made fun of him for being poor. Or at least, not until the ‘president poverty’ thing. It hurts now that he’s realized it. Isogai considered Maehara his best friend, and yet, it doesn’t feel like it. But Isogai genuinely can't hate him, and he hates that. 

Maehara isn't too sure how to respond, not wanting to make the situation worse, only watching Isogai cry out of supposed anger. Maehara lets Isogai cry, he probably needs it anyway, and decides to talk when he's finished. In the meantime, he reflects on Isogai’s outburst and yeah, maybe he was rather insensitive, unintentional or not. 

The air around them is still, the tension thick. Time ticks by, but to them the world doesn't move. They're suffocated by a silence filled with regret. Maehara desperately wants to reach his arms out and envelop Isogai into a tight hug, but he knows him well enough to know the other will only push him away. Out of anger, out of fear, out of pain. 

Fights have never happened between the two of them. They were always too understanding for that. Of course, they had their arguments, avoiding the other out of shame and guilt, before making up like friends do, learning from their mistakes, trying to better themselves. But it rarely happens, and sometimes they forget about the silly disagreements. But this argument isn't as silly as which one of them kills the spider or turns the light off before the monster gets them. They know you can't turn back time, hit rewind and start over. So they wallow in the pond of regret and guilt, distant from one another as they try to sort out their thoughts.

Isogai begins to regret saying his thoughts. Perhaps he should've just accepted the nickname of 'prince charming'. Maybe they wouldn't feel so awkward right now. Maybe he wouldn’t be bawling his eyes out, sobbing like the child he never allowed himself to be. Deep down, he knows it isn't selfish to speak out his feelings, tell the truth of his thoughts, but it feels selfish to him. Almost like he’s begging for help, for some sort of comfort when he thinks he doesn't deserve it. He wants to go back to a time where everything isn’t so complicated, when his mom isn’t ill, and his dad isn’t forever gone. He wants to go back to a time when he wasn’t working a part-time job, when smiling wasn’t such a chore that made his cheeks hurt, and when his wrists weren't sore from carrying trays and plates and cups all day. He never wanted these things to mold him into the person he became today, sculpted and shaved down and crafted into perfection. 

Although right now, he isn’t so perfect, breaking down in front of his best friend. His eyes all red and puffy and his tears streaming down and into his mouth, his sleeves stained with snot. His throat is hot and sore and he almost chokes on his cries. In a way, he feels relieved, letting everything out. Allowing himself to feel something, to cry, to feel human. Breaking the carefully sculpted character he chiseled himself, the one that adapted and matured to life all too quickly, the one that hid all his flaws and imperfections behind a wall. 

He cries and cries until the tears dry out, and in the end he just feels kind of pathetic. He doesn’t say anything, wiping away the last of his tears. Maehara gently rubs a hand on his back, which Isogai doesn’t bother trying to swat away. He’s just tired.

"I'm sorry, really, I am," Maehara says quietly. He feels really bad but he's mostly mad at himself and he should've just kept his mouth shut but he never learns his lesson. "I know about your situation and I didn’t really take your feelings into account. I just thought that a name like that could help you relax a bit and not worry about being perfect all the time. I was uh, very wrong on that. It's unfair that you have all these responsibilities when you never asked for it in the first place. I acted like it was your fault when it never was to begin with. I didn’t mean to hurt you and I'm. . . really sorry."

Maehara wouldn't be surprised if Isogai never forgave him. He's made a lot of mistakes in the past. Way too many, for his liking. Now that he thinks about it, he's done a lot of things he regrets. Mistakes he can't erase, no matter how hard he tries. But he never really confronted his problems, opting to move on and run away instead. 

Isogai takes some time to process Maehara's apology, wiping away his tears. He gazes solemnly at Maehara, his eyes all puffy and glassy, and Maehara's heart breaks. Right, he caused that. Maehara feels really guilty, almost wanting Isogai to be mad at him rather than upset. He repeats the word 'sorry' in his head, over and over again. 

"Please never call me that again." Isogai doesn’t really know whether to forgive Maehara or not. If he does, it’ll probably take a while. But the request should be a start, he decides.

"You have my word," Maehara mumbles quietly, stretching out his pinky finger. 

Isogai interlocks his pinky finger with Maehara and his lips stretch into the faintest smile. “You better keep it,” he laughs weakly. He almost can't tell if it was genuine or not.

"I will. Promise." Maehara began to trace gentle patterns on the back of Isogai’s hand, something he always did when the other was in need of comfort. "Do you miss being a kid again?" It was a genuine question, no ill intentions. 

"A little, yeah," Isogai admits. He almost forgot what it was like to be one. To be carefree, unaware of the harsh realities of the world in front of him. He doesn't really mind it, or at least that's what he tells himself.

Unlike him, Maehara hasn't forgotten, and he wiggles his fingers lightly against Isogai's waist in an attempt to lighten the mood. 

Isogai stifles a laugh, before bursting into a fit of giggles. "Wa-wait! Stop- Hiroto stop it!"

“You’re as ticklish as ever.” Maehara says with a smirk, letting his hands fall to his sides.

“And you’re as annoying as ever.”

“Hey!” Maehara lightly punched Isogai’s shoulder. And really, he shouldn’t take offense when he insulted his best friend where it hurts most.

Isogai doubles over with a laughing fit, and Maehara is about to ask why until Isogai quickly composes himself and turns back to face him. On his face is a stupid grin as he wipes away a tear. "I love you though.”

Maehara softly glares at him, lips curving into a half-smile, half-frown. "Hmph. I love you too." He gently caressed Isogai’s cheek with his palm. A small smile tugged at the corners of his lips, his expression softening as he gazed adoringly at Isogai. He truly doesn’t know what he did to deserve Isogai. “Could I. . . hug you again?” 

Isogai gives him a nod and Maehara practically bursts with happiness as he tackles the other in a hug, pressing their bodies close together. It’s warm. And feels like home.

“It’s okay to let loose sometimes, y'know. I know you have to work because of money issues and you have to take care of your family and all that but you should take care of yourself too. Don’t push yourself too hard, alright? I care about you a lot. Your health and happiness is just as important as everyone else's.”

Isogai is pleasantly taken aback at Maehara's words, and he can't help but smile. He returns Maehara’s hug, wrapping his arms around the other tightly. It's times like these he's glad to have put up with Maehara all these years, happy to have him in his life. “Yeah, I’ll keep that in mind."