#i hate the person i’ve become and everything i try to do to fix it only makes me worse

[chaosnojutsu]

.

[gabrielsbubblegumbitch]

Hey! Hope you’re having a good day! Just wanted to say I’ve become obsessed with your psychology analysis on the Vees and VoxVal. I’m curious, since the relationship is definitely toxic, how do you think the cycle of relationship abuse would work with them? (Honeymoon phase, tension, incident, ex)

Awww I'm so glad you like my silly headcanons, I fucking love writing them <3

(headcanons in question because they are relevant to this post: Vox and NPD | Valentino and BPD | random Vees headcanons)

You know, I believe their relationship is toxic because neither of them is particularly well-adjusted. However, I wouldn't apply the cycle of abuse theory to them. As far as I know, that theory is used to describe relationships that are highly unequal with clearly defined roles of abuser and victim. For instance, during the tension phase, tension grows in the abuser while the victim "walks on eggshells," trying their best to calm the abuser and constantly living in fear of an incident. I can't really imagine Vox or Valentino being that frightened of each other. Actually, that's why I think they are meant to be together - they can handle each other.

That being said, I do believe they have some relationship issues. In episode 2, we witnessed Vox calming Valentino (by yelling at him so very toxic) when he was angry. Vox hates Valentino's unpredictability because he is a total control freak. While he finds Valentino's fiery temper extremely alluring, he also wishes Val would tone it down. He'd like to have a more reliable partner, especially because for him, falling in love was a significant and risky investment.

On the flip side, immediately after Vox managed to calm Valentino down, Valentino essentially provoked him into a temper tantrum. Look at this shit-eating smile; he knew damn well what he was doing.

Vox usually keeps his emotions hidden behind a polished facade, staying detached. Valentino, on the other hand, is all about intense emotions—loves passion, violence, and desperation. He digs Vox's cool business daddy vibe, but it drives him nuts when Vox gets all emotionally distant from him. Vox tries to guard himself because he knows Valentino can easily weaponize people's emotions against them, and he's lowkey scared of being vulnerable. So when he's going through some tough shit, Vox puts up this wall, becomes all distant, and then Valentino feels rejected and starts being a total jerk, pushing Vox away because he's hurting (if you've read my BPD Valentino headcanons, you get what I mean).

So those are the main sources of tension in their relationship. Sometimes one of them snaps. In Vox's case, it means complete withdrawal from the relationship and sinking into work (since he wants a perfect relationship, he rarely even admits he's angry, he's just like "It's fine I just don't have time to see you") which obviously drives Val crazy. Because he's obsessively in love. So to fix the situation he doesn't apologize (since Vox "wasn't even angry") - he just invites himself to Vox's apartment/office and seduces him by acting nice and submissive so Vox can feel in control again.

In Valentino's case, snapping means a violent outburst (though, I don't think he's physically abusive because he knows Vox is not afraid of him and could easily bite back or, even worse, leave him for good). These outbursts make Vox furious because he can't stop them. Then, they end up yelling a lot, throwing stuff around, and sometimes even breaking up. After that, Valentino goes on a week-long bender, just partying and hooking up with dozens of people. Vox, being obsessed, watches everything, and his jealousy always gets the best of him. He finally breaks and sends someone to bring Val back home. Or he personally intervenes, kills whoever Val is fucking, gives him a giant bouquet of roses, and goes all out to prove that he's the best guy Val could ever have. Vox is a showman, so he acts almost like a charming and obnoxiously rich mafia boss from a smutty novel, who wants nothing more than to please his princess with grand gestures.

Oh also I think Val is very sensitive about Vox treating him "like a woman." He's actually very secure in his masculinity; he feels comfortable enough to present himself in feminine ways while still acting masculine. Like I mentioned, he's queer and he totally owns it. On the other hand, Vox still grapples with some deeply internalized heteronormative ideas, occasionally treating Valentino like his bitch. Valentino hates it because he's aware of Vox's sexist tendencies, and he refuses to allow Vox to treat him as though he's beneath him. He genuinely believes in the concept of an equal partnership in their relationship and can't stand Vox's attempts to alter the power dynamics in his favor.

If you like this post you may also like my VoxVal fanfiction

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA if I actively worsen my family’s sanity as revenge for worsening mine?

My family is that if two parents and three children (all in our 20s).

Without getting into deep specifics, basically, I’ve lost all the patience I’ve had for my family. My mom who is manipulative, my dad who is neglectful, my siblings who are egotistical and dismissive.

because I’m the middle child and oldest daughter I’ve been the brunt of every negative thing you could think of, and I dealt with it for… 25 years.

but this year as my New Year’s resolution I swore to treat them worse than they treat me. So every time my mom tried to manipulate me into feeling bad for her and to love her and to do the house chores, I threaten to kill myself and tell her that she was an awful mother and that if she really cared for me she wouldn’t ask me for things. (She knows I have mental illness that makes it hard for me to do things)

and when my dad puts my pet in danger I slap him and threaten to take his pet to a shelter to have him euthanized and tell him he should die alongside his pet (he is in his mid 60s)

I don’t do anything directly to my siblings because our relationship honestly isn’t that bad, but I did make a fake Instagram account that I use to call out one sibling for all the stuff they do to keep their image up or whatever (some bullying might be involved in their part)

and for my other sibling, who collects vinyls, occasionally I go and scratch up a vinyl they have. Just enough to make it seem like normal wear and tear, they haven’t noticed yet lol.

whenever my parents try to bring up my behavior to me I start yelling at them about how I’m crazy and they raised a crazy daughter and that everything I do is a result of their own creation. And my dad has offhandedly said to let a (female) pet die after she got injured once, so I bring that up all the time.

I tell him that since he hates women so much he should just shoot me like I know he wants to.

Over the past few months I’ve noticed that one sibling has become extremely paranoid, while the other has gotten very frustrated. My dad avoids me now and my mom is very obedient and quiet.

I don’t feel bad about this, and I know there are other things I could have done, but I feel like this has been worth 25 years of repressed anger. Now that the year is almost over, I’m considering that my New Year’s resolution be to try to fix whatever shit show has become of my family, but that’s not the point.

AITA for taking this revenge, or am I justified in paying them back?

the reason I don’t think I’m the asshole in this situation is that at least for the first several months, they tried doubling down on their bullshit. My mom got more manipulative, pulling out everything she could to make me feel bad for her and to submit to her again. And my dad became violent toward my pet, whom I’m protective of to the point where I’ve told every single person I’ve met that if anything happened to her I would kill everybody and then myself. (Luckily I was able to prevent my dad from actually hurting her, but the fact that he tried drove my goal further).

honestly, my sibling probably didn’t deserve it because we all pretty much ignore each other, but I’m holding the grudges from childhood when they would beat me up and break my stuff.

and before anyone says it, I went to therapy for four years and it just made me more angry

What are these acronyms?

[mrsjoeythehurler]

When I Met You

(OC FMC x Liam Mairi)

I’ve decided to write a fic about an OC and Liam Mairi from Fourth Wing. It’s going to follow the events of the first book and I’m so excited to share it with you. This is my first fic I’ve ever written so keep that in mind while reading :)

I hope you enjoy it!

All characters except for Aurora Sallow who is my OC and the FMC of this fic belong to Rebecca Yarros. The plot of Fourth Wing also belongs to Rebecca Yarros.

Content Warnings: most of the warnings that are for Fourth Wing are also going to be for this fic. That includes: Blood, death, injury, violence and war. The only content warning I am adding is panic attacks (2).

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ Aurora Sallow ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ

It's Conscription Day—a day I'm not particularly happy to take part in, but I don't have a choice.

I was always meant to become a Scribe. I was always meant to look at books all day and spend my time transcribing them. It's what I've been studying for since I could remember.

That all changed when my parents sat me down two days ago to tell me I was required to become a Rider. My whole world was flipped upside down, my entire future ripped away from me in one 20-minute conversation.

The Riders' Quadrant is apparently in need of more Riders. I heard it's because most dragons are uninterested in bonding with humans, and I'm one of the unlucky ones who's been chosen to try and change that.

Looking around me, I see guards mounted on either side of the entrance and walking about. I see people hugging and conversing with their loved ones and the occasional person silently praying, most likely to any gods who will listen to ensure their safety. They're probably going towards the same destination as me.

Sighing, I look down and make sure my outfit is in order before fixing my hair. I tried to dress appropriately for the Riders' Quadrant—well, as appropriately as my closet back home had to offer. I'm wearing a gray long-sleeved shirt and corset, black pants that are a bit too tight for my liking, and my favorite pair of black platform boots. I'm just about to look through my bag to double-check that I have everything when I hear a familiar voice.

It's Violet Sorrengail. We've been classmates for a really long time. She's always been really kind and someone I consider a friend. Like me, Violet always wanted to become a Scribe; we would always talk about our hopes for the future and look forward to reading books all day.

What is she doing in this line?

She's talking to her sister Mira, so I don't want to interrupt, but I want to know why she's not with the Scribes anymore. She was always among the most intelligent people in our class, if not the smartest. She was going to be the best Scribe the Quadrant ever had. I don't see her wanting to give that up, especially considering it was her dream.

The line continues to move slowly, and when there's only one person ahead of me, I start to really feel the anxiety. I don't know how I'm going to do this. I didn't know two days ago, and I sure as hell don't know now. Who knows if I'll even pass the Parapet? I could be slowly walking towards my death right now. Maybe I should have talked to my parents more and tried to convince them that I can't do this and that anyone else out there is a better fit for this than I am. But I hate disappointing people. My parents don't even know that my panic attacks are back. They were so happy and relieved that I was doing better over the last year, but it all fell apart.

"Next!" Someone calls from ahead of the line.

It's a rider, a marked rider. Along with Captain Fitzgibbons, who’s a Scribe. "Aurora Sallow? First Violet Sorrengail, and now you?"

I give him a small smile. "I'm sorry, sir."

He nods. "It will be sad to see you go. Your future as a Scribe looked so bright."

I want to cry. Instead, I keep my small smile in place and try my best to keep my voice level. "Thank you."

As I go through the entrance, I climb the hundreds of stairs.

After what feels like 100 hours, I'm at the top of the turret, and it's raining. The turret is all stone, formed in a circular platform. The river below shines, with the sun glinting off the surface. Darkness runs through it that rivals the deep sea. I shouldn't have looked down.

Straight ahead lies the Parapet. It's a very slim bridge made of stone with nothing on either side to hold onto. It's a test to see how well you would manage while riding a dragon.

I'm screwed.

There are three riders at the entrance, but only one catches my eye—a mountain of a man with black hair and warm, tawny skin. He turns my way, and I can see the scar running through his left eyebrow, and that's when I know who it is. Xaden Riorson.

Xaden is the son of the Great Betrayer, Fen Riorson, who led the Rebellion. All of the children of the rebels were forced to join the Riders' Quadrant in response to their parents' decisions. I bet they hoped Xaden would get killed, but they were wrong. He's a third-year Wingleader now.

And he's also kind of scary.

Once he sees me staring at him, he narrows his eyes. I'm not sure if it's with recognition or disgust.

Then, I decide to wave at him like an idiot.

He turns back to talk to the Rider beside him, pretending I don't exist.

Yeah, I'm so screwed.

"Next!" Another Rider calls, and I step forward.

[kjhbsies]

Within These Walls

Ellie Williams x fem!reader Synopsis: What would happen if Ellie saw her worst enemy, and the girl who has a crush on her wife? No, she's not jealous... is she? Warnings: Part III of the Ellie and arranged marriage trope. This is the last chapter and I'm grateful for all the support. This is not proofread so expect some grammatical errors. There are some Abby x reader and Ellie x Dina. Please be warned that this is just a fiction and I don't hate Dina. Happy reading!

wc: 5695 Part I. Part II.

Ellie’s mind is blank throughout the day and she can’t seem to move, not even a limb. She’d like to just sleep and rot in her bed for eternity but she couldn’t. Not today. Because this is a special day. This day will be your wedding.

A voice pulled her out from her thoughts. “What a handsome young girl you are.” The old lady who is preparing her attire complimented Ellie. She smiled at her forcefully, not even having the courage to give a genuine one.

“Is there a problem?” She asked kindly and Ellie couldn’t even answer her straight. Instead, she just sighed and looked down on her feet.

“I don’t know if this is a good idea.” Ellie answered silently. Still feeling guilty of taking your feelings for granted and also for being a shitty person to everyone, even herself. She has unfinished business with Dina, and as much as she wants to just avoid the situation completely, it’ll still bite her in the end. But she doesn’t have the balls to talk to her, she’s afraid that if she does, Ellie will still go back to the darkest place that she’s in when Dina left her.

So instead, she’s trying to avoid the confrontation. She’s used to running away from everything. Ellie figured out that it’s best to just put the problems in a box and throw it away without fixing all of the unsolved issues. And when those things that she’s steering away from starts haunting her, Ellie would just do what she’s best.

And that’s to run.

Run until she’s tired. Until she can’t any more.

And what happens in the end?

That’s the thing that Ellie doesn’t know how to answer.

“I’ve been married for 70 years already?” The old lady laughed. Ellie looked at her. “And you know, I was just like you on the wedding day. I am full of doubts because marriage is not a joke. You’d be tied with the other person for years, even eternity. And I don’t like that. I want freedom, I want liberty, and marriage is such a scary thing for a young lady.” The lady picked up Ellie’s tie and started to fix it on her neck. “An hour before I walked to the altar, I wanted to run away.” She looked up at her eyes. “Do you?”

Ellie gulped.

Do I want that?

The old lady laughed again. “Ah.” She nodded. “Your hesitation gave me the answer. You see, either you walk away right now, or get married, it’s still a decision that will create a series of consequences. You just have to think whether it’ll be good or bad.” She finished the tie and left Ellie in front of the full length mirror. “My marriage advice is don’t let your anger or hate become more powerful than your love for her.”

“You’re wrong. I don’t love her.” Ellie looked at her.

“Then why are you still here?” She smiled kindly before excusing herself to go to the bathroom, leaving Ellie alone in the room.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

Every little step of yours towards her feels like the sweetest torture one could bear. Ellie felt that her heart would burst out into many pieces as you were getting closer and closer. You, on the other hand, felt so much more.

When Joel asked Ellie about her vows, she said she didn’t prepare anything. And while that might seem true, Ellie was actually lying. In fact, for all the hours that she spent wondering and thinking last night, she sat up on her bed while gripping a piece of paper and a pen while looking at your sleepy figure.

This is the first time that both of you slept in bed together, and Ellie was wondering that even in your sleeping state, it is with no doubt that you still radiate gentleness. Maybe you could give her some?

With shaky hands, Ellie gripped the microphone to say her vows. Both of you were staring right at each other's eyes, not wanting to look away – afraid that one of you would disappear if you did so.

“I always thought that I am the most difficult person in the world. And maybe I am.” She exhaled. “I always thought that finding someone who will love someone like me who has her heart shattered into pieces was just a chance encounter. A cupid’s luck, maybe. But I never thought that it would be you. I am a complex jigsaw puzzle that’s so hard to complete. While others may have thought of giving up, you, however, stayed. Still, I am fragmented. Pieces of me weren’t even there, or are completely gone. But you showed me that I can still be loved even if I am so broken. That you made me feel special even though I am imperfect. And for that, I promise to love you forever and ever.”

You almost struggled to smile as you were trying not to let a single tear fall.

That is not real, you thought.

But you wished it was. Oh, how beautiful it is to be loved by Ellie.

“You may now kiss the bride.”

Ellie’s hands are still cold and shaking while she’s slowly pulling up your veil. Both of you smiled at each other before she hesitatingly enveloped you into a warm kiss. Every guest is tearing up while they are celebrating the marriage that is not even real.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

Today was Sunday, which means that you and Ellie will have your weekly grocery shopping. You two have been wed four months ago and you could say that both of your relationship with each other is doing great.

Really, it is.

You’re surprised that Ellie took an initiative to apologize for every shitty thing that she’s done to you, whether it is intentionally or not. At your honeymoon, Ellie tried her best to show you that she’s capable of changing – from being such a jackass, to a great wife. You two are getting along really well, talking at each other frequently as the awkward tension in the air is released. Both of you are eating together, having dates in different places, and traveling everywhere.

“I hate when you’re purposely trying to carry every grocery bag even though I know you’re struggling.” You rolled your eyes while you and Ellie were walking towards the car.

“I don’t want to make a princess carry a thing.” Ellie teasingly nudged you and it takes so many forces not to crack out a smile.

While the both of you were walking, you two saw a familiar face. You gulped and Ellie didn’t know what to feel.

Or she did not know if she even felt anything.

“Oh, hey. Funny seeing you two here.” She smiled while her eyes were looking at you back and forth. You two stopped in front of her.

“Hey Dina.” You greeted her. Ellie did not utter a single word.

To be honest, Dina was still in shock when she first heard that Ellie is getting married, just a few months after she stepped foot in Jackson again. And hearing that she’s going to be married to you, the town’s favorite girl, made her really insecure.

They both ended up in a bad light, and Dina wished that she could get some sort of any closure, up until now. But asking that with Ellie was just her being too much. Clearly, the moment you two shared your vows, and kissed each other in front of the altar was the answer that she has been looking for so many months.

But it isn’t enough. It wasn’t. The pain she felt the day of your wedding made her weak and furious. She wanted to get Ellie back, no matter how pathetic she looked while doing it, but at the same time, she wanted to just let go and forget everything, or to start over. And that’s what she did. She tried everything she could to move on. But right now, looking at the two of you, Dina’s heart was shattered into pieces again. Especially now that she can see how real it was.

“Hey, Y/N.” She said, looking at you. Dina felt her eyes getting bloodshot as her throat was slowly aching from trying to stop her tears from falling. She looked again at Ellie… who’s staring at you.

Almost two years have passed and it is the first time Dina has seen Ellie up this close. She’s just used to getting a glimpse from her in different bars and clubs in Jackson, and Dina never got the chance to look at her like this. Ellie is still the same, just a bit more mature looking but her eyes are different.

It was now soft and gentle.

“Ellie,” Dina called and that’s when she slowly turned her eyes away from you. “Sorry to ask this but can… can we talk?” She uttered, almost like a whisper.

“I’ll just get in the car.” You politely excused yourself but Ellie caught your hand before you quickly got away from her.

“Y/N-”

“It’s fine.” You smiled at Ellie who looked at you with a concerned face. “It’s fine.” You repeated before squeezing her hand.

Slowly, Ellie let you go. But she did not want to.

Instead, she just followed your figure who’s walking towards the car, just near the back of Dina.

“How are you?” Dina pulled her gaze away from you. “I mean, how’s married life?” She chuckled.

“We’re both doing great.” Ellie answered.

Dina nodded. “I’m glad to hear that. Really.”

Ellie nodded too before looking where you are again. Her grip at the grocery bags tightened when she saw you talking to a very familiar figure. It’s like every single thing that Dina is saying is just a background noise, and Ellie couldn’t understand a thing.

“Abby!” You greeted a friend.

The girl looked at you while smiling before you two shared a hug. “You looked different now, but you’re still very beautiful.” She said before looking at you.

“And so are you.” You complimented her. You almost did not recognize Abby because the one you've been friends with since you were just a kid are very different from the Abby in front of you now. She got so much taller, and her physique got bigger.

“I’m sorry that I did not get to attend your wedding. I’ve been busy in New York, attending seminars and everything.” She jiggled her keys.

Ellie watched you and Abby talk. She lightly craned her neck – an indication that she’s getting irritated as she caught you two laughing.

What the fuck is she doing here? Why is she making you laugh so fucking hard???

“Ellie? Ellie!”

“Fuck. Sorry.” Ellie shut her eyes tightly. “What were you saying again?”

Dina looked at where Ellie was looking.

It was you and Abby.

Dina could tell that Ellie is getting mad.

“JJ’s birthday will be tomorrow. That's why I’m going to do some huge grocery shopping. You two should go-”

Ellie nodded quickly. “I’ll ask my wife. Excuse me.” She said before marching towards you quickly.

“Oh, there she is.” You said, smiling at Ellie. “Ellie, this is Abby. Abby, this is-”

“Ellie.” Abby grinned widely. “Yeah, we knew each other.”

“Very well.” Ellie’s jaw tightened.

“Really? How?” You are looking at the two of them. Now, you’re not the smartest person on the earth, but you’re not that dumb. They definitely did not like each other.

“We’re schoolmates. I’ll tell you everything when we have dinner.” Ellie looked at you.

“Or you could just ask me.” Abby chuckled, fully taunting your wife. “Anyway, nice meeting you guys again but I have to go. Bye, Y/N, bye, Ellie.”

Ellie rolled her eyes before cursing under her breath.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

Ellie and you are in the kitchen, you are washing the dishes that you two just ate, and Ellie is the one who’s putting the groceries away. She’s been really quiet the whole drive home, and even up until now. You were looking at her each second, trying to decipher how to talk to her, or even ask her what was wrong.

“How’d you know Abby?” Ellie suddenly asked.

Your head snapped at her. You squint your eyes. Oh, right. Abby.

You cleared your throat. “Well, her dad has been our family doctor ever since we were kids. Abby and I became friends because of that. We basically grew up with each other. But when her father died last year, Abby moved to New York to study biology. How about you? From what I’m guessing with your interaction, you two didn’t get along well.”

“You’re right. You know I played football, right?” Ellie asked, and you nodded. “Well, I was the team captain for our course – engineering. Aside from that, I was also a part of the university’s varsity team. Both of us were. I met Abby there when we were freshmen and she loves to get on my nerves.”

“How?”

“Every time there’s an intramural, when engineering and biology are competing with each other, Abby is my greatest rival because she would boast and annoy me every single game. And when she got accepted into the varsity team, I was forced to train with her and everyday that I wake up, I would rather just die and go to hell than be with her all day.” Ellie grunted. “I thought she was just doing that for attention, not until I found out that her crush likes me.”

You snorted. “Then what did you do?”

“Nothing. I just made fun of her.”

Your jaw dropped. “You’re mean.”

“I know, babe. I’m not sorry.” Ellie shrugged.

“Did you find out who it was? Abby’s crush?”

“No… why wouldn’t you know that? I thought she’s your best friend?” Ellie rolled her eyes.

“She never said anything about it.” You thought. Yeah, Abby never opened up something about her crush.

Ellie stared at you. Hard. Her brows are slowly furrowing as she thinks about something.

Did Abby have a crush on… you?

You cleared your throat once again. “So…” You went beside Ellie. “What did Dina say to you earlier?”

Ellie sighed. “JJ’s birthday is tomorrow and Dina wants us to go.” She looked at you. “But if you don’t want to-”

“Ellie, it’s fine. It’s JJ we’re talking about.”

“I don’t want you to become uncomfortable.”

You took Ellie’s hands and smiled at her. Ellie’s heart stopped for a second. “You don’t have to worry about me.”

As much as Ellie wanted to, she can’t help but think of you every single moment. Her thoughts are filled with you, as well as her decisions are tied with you. Ellie did not want to hurt you in some ways, mostly because she’s warming up to you. But on the other hand, it might be good to finally see JJ after a year and more. After all, he’s just like her son to her.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

“I’m so glad you two could make it.” Dina greeted when she spotted the two of you. Her enthusiasm was genuine, really. All she wanted was her son’s happiness, and that is to meet Ellie again.

“Here’s a gift for JJ.” You handed her a gift bag which Dina accepted immediately.

“Thank you so much. You don’t have to.”

“Well, we can’t come empty handed.” You smiled before looking at Ellie who whispered at you.

“Is it okay if I go to JJ or do you want to come with me?” She asked and you shook your head.

“I’m okay.” You answered gently.

Dina watched the two of you talk. The familiar ache in her chest starts showing up again but she couldn’t help but to smile even though it hurts her so bad. A voice at the back of her head started to whisper bitter things that she couldn’t brush off.

Dina and Ellie broke up because she didn't want to settle with her. Ellie got scared of leaving Jackson, got married with her, and to live peacefully – like a true happy family. But after a year, Ellie did everything that Dina never got to experience. With a different girl.

Dina couldn’t help but ask herself if she was the problem. Maybe she didn’t think of everything that could happen when she asked Ellie to do those things. Maybe she became irrational and impulsive. Maybe Dina only thinks with her feelings.

If she waited for a year, would Ellie say yes to her?

“I’ll just go to JJ.” Ellie interrupted her thoughts. “Is that fine?”

Dina smiled widely. “He’s waiting for you all night. He’s probably at the house, you can find them in there.”

Ellie nodded before squeezing your hand, letting you know that she’s going to go find him. Dina caught a glimpse of it and gulped.

When Ellie went away, you two awkwardly stared at each other for a couple of minutes. You did not know what to say to your wife’s first love. To say that Dina is pretty is just an understatement. She radiates a beautiful energy which makes everybody love her. You could see why Ellie was crazy for her, and that made you envious.

“If I ever become too pushy with Ellie and JJ thingy, you could refuse to go.” Dina started.

You shook your head. “I think it’s only fair. I mean, JJ grew up with her and I’m not going to stop them from seeing each other.”

Dina nodded while smiling. There it goes again, the awkward silence between you two. You wanted to excuse herself to go somewhere because you cannot bear the tension in the air. But on the other hand, you wanted to just stay with Dina to prove that you aren’t affected by her presence. That you aren’t going to be phased by her being Ellie’s ex-girlfriend. And you could tell that she feels the same way, too.

Your brows knitted when you spotted a familiar figure going out of a car again. It’s Abby, holding a gift bag on her right hand while jiggling her keys on her left. She’s wearing a suit and her hair is tied at the back.

“You know Abby?” You looked at Dina while squinting your eyes.

“Oh… yeah.” Dina chuckled. “We were close in highschool and she’s one of JJ’s godmother.”

Abby spotted the two of you before waving. She’s walking towards the both of you while smiling, at the same time that Ellie is striding towards your direction with JJ.

Her irritation grew once again when Abby showed up. She truly forgot that Dina made her one of his godmother. It’s so stupid that it made Ellie want to punch Abby in her face.

JJ immediately ran to Dina and Ellie quickly went beside you, snaking her tattooed arm on your waist as Abby stood in front of you two.

Abby handed JJ the gift bag which he immediately opened. Everyone watched him as he unboxed it.

“A robot toy!” JJ squealed.

“What do you say to Ms. Abby?” Dina asked.

“Thank you!” JJ hugged Abby’s legs before running away as quickly as possible. Wanting to brag to his friends about his new favorite toy.

Dina laughed. “He’s so energetic. By the way, thank you for the gift. You shouldn’t even be bothered. I know you were so busy.”

Abby only shrugged. “It’s fine. Maybe it’ll be the last time that I’m giving him something, right?”

Everyone laughed except Ellie who grew more irritated when you found her corny ass joke funny. She rolled her eyes because of that.

“I know I always ask this when we see each other but… why are you still single?” Dina asked.

Abby just laughed hard before quickly taking a glance at you. Now, in your perspective, it meant absolutely nothing. But in Ellie’s eyes, it answers everything.

FUCK!

IT WAS YOU, ALL ALONG.

Ellie’s grip in your waist got tighter.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

As soon as you and Ellie got out of the car when you two got home, she has been annoying you and bombarding you with so many irrelevant questions of everything that has happened in highschool. Such as “did you tell someone if you got a crush on her”, “did Abby know about your crush,” blah blah blah.

She’s so weird throughout the ride that you couldn’t help but to stare at her ridiculously.

“Why did you want to know?” You asked her back, your shyness started creeping up when she kept bringing the past. Yes, you did tell someone that you got a crush on the football’s team captain – Ellie. And that someone was Abby. And why is Ellie asking you this was still a mystery because she wouldn’t answer it. It’s getting annoying.

Ellie started walking behind you, slightly gripping one of your belt holes as you two walked inside the room. She’s being really paranoid about something. It’s like there’s an itch in her brain and a huge discomfort in her veins that made her want to get information about you and Abby.

I mean, it made sense. All of it. Abby probably went back to Jackson when she heard that you got married. And for what? She couldn’t get you. She just wont.

“Okay, okay.” Ellie surrendered when she could tell that you’re starting to ask her questions about why she’s fishing out information about Abby. Her hands softly gripped your waist and she gently turned you to face her. Ellie’s heart almost jumped when you looked at her straight in the eye. She squeezed your skin before talking. “Last question. Did you… ever like Abby?”

You laughed so hard, as if Ellie just asked the dumbest question in the world. Well, she probably did. Your hands gripped her arms to gain balance but you couldn’t stop laughing which made Ellie look at you in amusement. A small smile starts to creep up in her face when your giggles are infecting her.

“What’s funny?”

“You!” You wiped a tear at the corner of your eye. “Really? Where did that come from?”

“I don’t know!” Ellie shrugged. “I was just…curious. She looked really into you. I could tell.”

“She’s not. Trust me. And if she does, I don’t think I can reciprocate her feelings.”

“Why?” “Ellie…” You chuckled. “You’re the only one I ever wanted, okay?” You shut your eyes in embarrassment. “Don’t make me say that again.” You said before quickly turning your back on her.

Ellie stood there, her gaze following as you ascended in the stairs. There it goes again, the familiar warmth on her heart that almost made her unable to stand up straight nor even make her brain function. All she thinks about right now is you. You. You. Just you. Always you.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

Tonight is the year end party, an annual celebration for townies in Jackson and is held by your father. This day is important for everyone as it serves as a fun night to get away from the problems of life. Everyone gets drunk with unlimited booze, dances the worries away, and socializes with each other.

You and Ellie arrived at the plaza that is now filled with decorations, buffets, dancing lights and loud music. People started to make their way at the venue while wearing their finest suits and dresses. Ellie wore her usual formal attire – black trousers, a blazer and a button down shirt with the first three buttons opened to show the gold chain that is hanging on her neck. Her auburn hair is tied into a nice half up bun, accentuating her features. You, however, just wore your nice black satin mini dress, paired with gold stilettos and gold jewelries that complimented your skin tone.

Ellie couldn’t stop looking at you even when she’s driving the car. Yes, you two could get into an accident since she was so distracted by you. But can you blame her? A beautiful girl is sitting on the front passenger seat, and all she could do is to let her ringed fingers sit on your exposed thigh. God knows that Ellie wanted to do more than that.

“Ah! My daughters.” Joel greeted, enveloping the two of you in a tight hug. He handed Ellie a glass of whiskey which she accepted, quickly gulping it in just one shot. “How’s married life?” Joel asked. “I was so busy at the barn that I couldn’t stop by your house.” He looked at Ellie. “You looked great, by the way.”

“I know.” Ellie answered. “Well, we’re doing just fine.” Ellie shut her eyes tightly. “Ah, no, we’re doing great.”

You placed your hand at Ellie’s shoulder. “You okay?”

Ellie almost jumped at the physical contact. She blushed profusely, she thanked everyone who put the LED lights in here because it hides her freckled cheek that is now beet red. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I?” She chuckled nervously. God, you’re really pretty. So pretty. “I just needed another booze.”

You nodded, fully agreeing because you thought that Ellie was just getting anxious about the questions. “Yeah, you should get some by the bar.”

Ellie nodded. “Do you want to drink, Joel?” She asked him and he quickly agreed. Saying that he’s been waiting for her the whole time for them to get drunk again together like old times. Ellie bid her goodbyes to you, saying that she’ll find you later. You nodded, making your way in the direction where your friends are.

You and Ellie have been away from each other for almost three hours now. You spent the whole night drinking wine, and talking to your friends about every gossip that is happening in the town. Those stories made you really immersed, especially when your friend Evie, has been telling it with actions mixed with funny words.

“Heya!” Abby’s voice came from your behind.

“Abby!” You greeted her with a hug. “Want a drink?” You offered and she nodded immediately. Sitting at the empty chair beside you, Abby greeted your mutual friends at the table. She couldn’t be happier when Ellie wasn’t near you.

Ellie, on the other hand, has been sitting in the bar stool, drinking whiskey with such quickness as she started to gather her thoughts. Joel is sitting beside her, telling so many stories that she can’t even quite comprehend since her mind is only filled by you.

And Abby.

And Dina.

And you again.

FUCKKK DOES SHE LIKE YOU NOW? WHAT ABOUT THE ‘NO FALLING IN LOVE RULE’ THAT SHE MADE?!

So, she does what she did the best: drink. Drink until she can’t walk, nor even form any coherent thoughts because she must be going insane, right? The two of you aren’t real. Yes, she may consider you as her friend but she can’t fall in love with you. Ellie is a mess. She’s afraid to break you, too.

“Hey.” Someone pulled her out from her thoughts. Dina sat beside her and Ellie craned her neck to see where Joel went. He probably got tired of talking with a brick wall for hours so he decided to leave her alone. And Ellie didn’t even notice.

“Can we talk?” Dina asked.

Ellie shooked her head before drinking another shot. “We have nothing to talk about, Dina.” Ellie dismissed her. It’s true, though. They need to stop interacting with each other because they don’t have anything to do with each other.

Besides, Ellie doesn’t want to have another buzz of rumors to circulate between her and Dina, especially now that she is married. Even if your marriage is not real, Ellie cared for you as her true friend. “Please, just this once, Ellie. And I’ll stop.” Dina looked at her with pleading eyes.

“Dina, we’re done. I don’t want my wife to think of anything bad.” Ellie said, her voice rising as she can feel the irritation seeping through her veins.

Dina looked at her, tears welling with eyes. “My wife?” She chuckled sarcastically, as if she couldn’t believe anything that Ellie was saying. “You like her now, Els? Really? I thought it wasn’t real. Please tell me it wasn’t real!”

“Fuck it!” Ellie shut her eyes tightly before gripping Dina’s arm. She dragged her to the plaza’s secluded area. “You really want to fight while everyone’s looking, huh?”

“I just want to talk to you.” Dina immediately clung on Ellie. Her hands finding hers but Ellie immediately pulled away. Looking at her disgustingly.

Dina cried hard. She looked pathetic right now but she couldn’t care. “Tell me that you don’t like her. I have known you for years, Ellie. You wouldn’t marry so easily. Especially not with her.”

“The fuck are you saying?” Ellie asked, her tone is now angrier. “We haven’t talked for years. I’ve changed, Dina. What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

Dina knows that she was spewing nonsense. Hell, she couldn’t even recognize her own voice right now. She knew that what she was doing was wrong, but she couldn’t stop herself. Dina hadn't slept for a day, and the only thing in her system was alcohol. She spent the morning through the afternoon without eating. She couldn’t even find the courage to cook something. It’s like the thought of Ellie falling in love with someone else hit her. That it is real. Everyone might think that their marriage is just fake, that there wasn’t a love circulating between the two. But Dina knew what she saw. Ellie loves you.

But in a desperate move, Dina gripped Ellie’s blazer on both of her hands, pulling her ex-girlfriend in a kiss. Ellie’s eyes widened, feeling her heartbeat tripling but it wasn’t in a positive way. Not the same kind of nervousness when you’re around. This was different. Ellie hates it.

Ellie immediately pushed Dina so hard that she stumbled onto the ground. Dina remained in that position, biting her lips to prevent herself from crying loudly. Ellie became furious, the booze she drank earlier was now long gone. She looked at Dina with disbelief and with so much anger. She feels like she would explode. But before Ellie could say anything, she heard someone at her back.

“What the fuck?” Abby asked loudly. Beside her was you, looking at Ellie and then back to Dina. You couldn’t move a limb as your whole body tensed. You can feel yourself getting pale and cold while tears are welling up your eyes. Abby immediately went to help Dina get up.

Ellie breathed loudly as she saw your state. “Baby…” She immediately went up to you, holding both of your cold hands into hers. Ellie moved the stay hairs away from your face before cupping your cheeks with both of your hands. Ellie kept holding your gaze but it was focused on Dina only.

“Is she okay?” You asked, even though you fully know what happened.

Ellie shut her eyes tightly. This cannot be happening. Fuck fuck fuck.

“Don’t worry about her, baby, please.” Ellie said, almost begging. At last, you looked at her eyes and Ellie felt like her heart was squeezing when she saw the tears that almost want to roll down your face.

“Ellie, she kissed you.” You asked, breathlessly.

“That doesn’t mean anything.” Ellie assured you. “I can explain.”

“Ellie, Y/N, I’m sorry.” Dina wailed loudly. Her words are slurry as Abby struggles to keep her by her feet. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to.” She kept on repeating.

Ellie looked at her with a pure disgusted face. “Dude, keep her away from here. My wife and I will talk.” She said, and Abby couldn’t do anything but to nod and keep on dragging her away from you two.

Abby looked at you and you nodded as a sign that it’s okay. You were looking for Ellie since you saw that she wasn’t at the bar. And Joel said that he left her an hour ago. You have no idea where she went and Abby offered to join you. Both of you decided to check behind the plaza since it was the only place that you two hadn’t looked at. And out of all the chances, you and Abby saw Dina kissing Ellie. And the next moment, she’s on the ground when Ellie pushed her.

When Dina and Abby were out of your sight, you looked at Ellie.

You gulped. “You pushed her.”

“She kissed me, and I don’t want to do that. I don’t want her to kiss me.” Ellie’s grip on your hands tightened.

Your gaze fell down, feeling a lot more confused than hurt. “But why? I thought you still liked her?”

Ellie immediately shook her head. And you looked at her, confused. “I never said that.”

“But I can feel it.”

“Then you’re wrong, okay?” Ellie said, her voice slightly rising. “If you have a lot of questions, I don’t think I have the answer for it. If you’re confused, just know that I am, too.” Ellie shut her eyes tightly again.

“Do you want to have a divorce?” You asked, asking the question hurted you a lot harder than you thought it would. Ellie’s eyes shot open. “I can make an arrangement. My father can-”

Ellie shook her head frantically. It was now the turn for her eyes to well up in tears. Her body ran cold and she could feel the nervous beat of her heart ringing up her ears.

“No, no, no,” She said, still shaking her head.

“One word and I’ll-”

“NO!” Ellie shouted. “I don’t want to! Fuck! Don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me, Y’N.” Her gaze fell down as her tears kept streaming down her face. “Please. I beg.” Ellie whispered shakily.

“Ellie…” You called gently.

“I beg you. Please. Stay.”

And you did one thing that you wanted to do for the very first time. You kissed her hard. Ellie’s eyes widened for a second but she immediately answered your kisses with longing, passion, and love. If the right words can't find her own tongue, maybe her lips will.

“I love you.” Ellie whispered.

You smiled. “I love you more, my wife.”

——————-

taglist: @machetegirl109 @p4ison1vy

[grapejuicestyless]

In My DNA

JJ Maybank x fem!reader

Summery: Y/n and JJ have been seeing each other for months, but when it all ends, JJ is left to deal with the consequences of his actions.

“Just because I don’t love you in the way you want me to, doesn’t mean I love you any less.” My heart pounded in my ears, the sound of crushing aluminum and dry grass crunching underneath my shoes as I followed her across the front lawn.

“JJ, stop.” She puts her hand behind her, trying to plead for me to stop following. Our chase makes a scene, even if we are alone in the open morning breeze. But the feeling of eyes looking at us makes me aware of the curious gazes of our nosy friends, with their palms pressed against the window to watch.

“No, no, I won’t stop until you tell me what I’ve done wrong!” I try to stay calm, her shaky voice already setting off my bubbling anger. I am an angry person, I have so much to be mad at the world for. Though I do not show it frequently, I find myself ticked off by the tiny things until it breaks the surface and the pent up frustration turns into bloodthirsty hate.

Y/n is a sensitive person, she has so much empathy that sometimes I worry she’ll end up destroying herself with it. She doesn’t cry often, but her mouth twitches and her eyes squint in ways that give away her emotions to any given situation, the way her lips tremble or her voice cracks gives her facade away. Shes a good person, a kind girl and a great friend. She’s far too good for me, and that’s something I’m still trying to accept. Those are just the card’s I was dealt, it’s the game I have to play.

She huffs, walking away further until the grass turns to dirt road overgrown with weeds and littered with pebbles that crunch underneath speeding tires.

“Y/n, stop!” My hand grabs her wrist, yanking her back to my body, the thump of my chest hitting her shoulder blades echoing between our bodies, leaving us breathless for a passing moment.

“What do you want from me, JJ?” She spins to look at me, really look at me. Her eyes are filled with something just short of hate and her mouth is wobbling like a child’s. She’s got this kicked puppy dog look about her that makes my heart ache, and I just can’t place why.

“I wanna talk!” I hope she can read the confusion on my face, because her sudden shortness with me after all of our peace together puzzles me. I’ve only now just realized I can’t exactly read her as well as she can read me.

“Then talk!” She shouts, pushing off of my chest but stepping forward again just so we can be nose to nose.

“Why are you so angry?”

“Why are you such a dick!” She pushes away again, spinning on her heals and rushing across the dirt path to where it becomes thick rock mixed with broken cement.

“Would you just stop!” I don’t mean to yell, not at anyone and especially not at her. I want to know why she’s so upset, not make her more worked up. I need to fix this, whatever this is.

“Sorry, sorry. I don’t mean to yell.” My calloused hands cup her arms, working her around until she faces me again. She doesn’t fight my touch, letting the warmth of my palms cover her upper arms and squeeze over the soft skin.

“Please, tell me what I did wrong so I can fix it. I can’t think of anything that I’ve done to make you so angry!” Leaning forward, I try to press my forehead to hers, to breathe in the sweet smell of her perfume, get a taste of the fleeting memory of her.

She’s the closest thing to heaven, god sent, my angel. I can’t even think why she would be mad at me, not when I haven’t done anything to her.

“That’s the problem, Jay. You haven’t done anything.” She cries out desperately, trying to make me understand what she’s saying. The look in her eyes tells me she feels betrayed but I just can’t place a finger on it, so she’ll explain it for me.

“I gave you everything I had to offer and you promised me it was enough, but you keep taking things from me and I have nothing left to give.”

Oh.

Y/n is my best friend, the sweetest girl on the cut. A mind beyond her years and a heart so full and feeling, it’s hard to not love her. But poor sweet Y/n, too innocent for the cruelty of the world came knocking on my window for help. Big eyes and swollen lips, too nervous to ask anyone else for help.

I tell her over the course of a few months that I’ll help her, teach her all she needs to know. I steal her firsts out of my own greed, take them at her own pace and promise it’ll always be enough. Until I take the final things from her and she has nothing left to give up. I have nothing else to gain, and neither does she.

But I guess when hooking up with someone as soft and sweet as Y/n, I forgot just how delicate things can get, how mean it can be to just leave them.

“You are enough, nothing will change that.” I can keep telling her this, but to her theres no convincing and in some ways she smart for it, for never being naive. How can you trust someone who just up and leaves when something good becomes something they depend on? She would never know how dependent I was on her, of course, because I would never tell her how long after the night was over, when she was asleep with her cheek pressed against my chest I would stay awake a little longer just so I could keep playing with her hair or admire her face. She wouldn’t know because I’d never tell her.

“You made me feel dirty.” She says it so quietly, but her voice shakes nonetheless. Pointing fingers into my chest and backing me out into the dusty path more and more, spilling tears silently and letting them turn the dust into mud.

“I gave you what you wanted!” I try to argue, but we both know my words are meaningless. We both knew what she wanted, what we wanted, but if I play dumb maybe she’ll be less hurt by it.

“No, I gave you what you wanted! You couldn’t give me mine even if the world depended on it!” She only says these things because I’ve hurt her. I recognize that her feelings are valid, that by spending my evenings dedicated to her and then up and leaving so suddenly I’ve left an impression of greed on her. I’ve taken what she could offer and left her with nothing.

“Just because I don’t love you in the way you want me to, doesn’t mean I love you any less.” I try to paint the words into her mind, let her know that I do love her, I always will, but I have to remind her who I am. Beyond the surface, I’m still a Maybank. The thought of having her and losing her just like my loved ones before me drives me crazy even just thinking about it, so I can’t let myself act on how I feel for her, because it would never be fair.

“And just because you love me doesn’t mean I feel loved by you.” When she leaves, it’s quietly, soft sniffles and heaving breaths fading into the morning sun. I feel the watchful eyes of our friends observing us like hawks, and the hateful eyes of the majority boring a hole into my head. If it wasn’t known before, it is now.

JJ Maybank, the pogue who broke the rules and paid the price for his selfishness. But really, who didn’t see this coming? It’s who I am, it’s in my DNA.

[yanderecrazysie]

I really love your writing especially the angsty one such as the most recent one. Related rant but I hated most movies where the FL(Female lead) would start as cliche “ugly girl” with glasses and Terrible fashion and in the middle of the movie she takes her glasses off and suddenly become the “pretty” girl and then have a whole scene where they do a make over to make her charm the whole school. It just felt superficial and very vain, like the FL was fine the way she was, glasses don’t make you ugly as if paired with right outfit, can make you look actually cute. After all glasses are there to help you see, the fl suddenly gets her vision fix when she has her make over? And its really rubs me the wrong way that you need to have a whole make over, with a pretty dress and everything just to get people to like you. And its also pretty disheartening to see that people won’t like you if you have acne, like it natural to have acne and you shouldn’t be shamed for it.

But unto the actual request itself: can I have yandere Oikawa (or atsumu miya) x reader with this related context in mind: The reader has a crush on oikawa and with the advice of a friend, she stops wearing her glasses and does a whole make up and hair routine just to catch Oikawa’s attention. It works and one thing leads to another and both reader and oikawa start dating. At first Reader is ecstatic to finally the man of her dreams but slowly she starts to become uncomfortable with the way she looks like she no longer recognize herself. The make up starts to feel itchy and unnatural to her skin and she starts bumps into thing due to her not wearing her glasses anymore. Despite reader being miserable she till persevere and try to keep up the facade of “Oilawa’s ideal girl” but as time goes on the need to please Oikawa and the stress of keeping up appearances finally gets to her and she just breaks up with him.

On Oikawa perspective (being an entitled prick) is obviously dismayed as he wanted to have the perfect facade of a power couple. He wanted to shape the reader into his ideal pretty girl. So both reader and him have a mutual break up since both of them are now dissatisfied with the current predicament. But as oikawa sees the reader old self, he starts to fall in love (or obsessed) he finds the reader’s glasses cute and he finds that the reader is even more adorable when she comfortable and happy. Like he finds the reader more attractive when she was being her typical self without the glitz and glam. Like even if the reader has acne and wears dorky glasses, Oikawa finds that strangely attractive.

-Sorry for the mini rant, I just recently watch a movie similar to this and it left a bad taste in my mouth. Like as person with both acne and glasses, I’ve been told by some people that I stop wearing glasses due to it not “suiting me” like I wasn’t wearing it for fun, I wear it cause I need to see. Its even worse when I had acne and my friends told me to hide it with make up only to find out that make up worsens the acne problem. Thanks for listening to me

I totally get what you mean- I always found glasses attractive on guys and adorable on girls (to the point that I tried to pretend I had reading issues as a child to get myself glasses), so it was always sad to see it portrayed as “Now that she’s taken them off, she’s pretty!” I think everyone looks nice in their natural way, no makeup needed, so makeovers have always rubbed me the wrong way a little too! I personally don’t wear any makeup at all, too much of a hassle.

Title: Change

Pairings: Oikawa Tooru x Reader

WARNINGS: Yandere themes

Summary: You don’t like your new look, but it’s gotten you so much attention. Do you really have to choose between your old look and your happiness?

Part 2: here

change

/verb/

make (someone or something) different; alter or modify:

You looked in the mirror, stunned by your reflection. Your glasses were gone, the contacts in your eyes being the only reason you could see that fact in the first place. But besides that, your hair had been swept back in a pretty bun with a braid on either side of your head and just a couple locks of hair fashionably left down. Your skin looked flawless, thanks to the makeup. You could thank the makeup too for the way your face looked so much more mature and alluring.

Your wardrobe had undergone a great change as well. Since your college didn’t have a uniform or strict dress code, you’d put on a short white dress with black stripes and a belt around the waist. A fake diamond necklace laid across your collarbone, perfectly matching the bracelet clasped around your wrist. Even your feet were squeezed into a pair of fashionable black slips.

You turned back to your friend in awe, “You’re a miracle worker!”

Your friend laughed, but it was nothing short of the truth. Before this, your hair was always left down, hanging over your glasses-adorned, lightly pimpled face. You never wore a dab of makeup and your clothes usually amounted to an oversized T-shirt, faded jeans, and ratty sneakers. You didn’t put any care into your appearance. Until now, that is.

“You’ll have to keep this up on your own, now that you know how,” your friend reminded you, wagging a warning finger at you, “But this will totally grab Oikawa’s attention! You’ll be his girlfriend by the end of the week!”

You were turning heads from the moment you walked through the school doors. How could you not? You were a gorgeous girl accentuated with the latest fashions and professionally done makeup. All you had to do was bat your long, fake eyelashes and guys would throw themselves at your feet.

Your friend was right. You’d caught Oikawa’s attention very quickly, and soon enough, he was blowing away the sudden competition by offering to carry your lunch tray and walk you home.

The attention flustered you and made you so happy, but a small part of you felt sad. He’d never noticed you before. But that was the point of this makeover, right? To get him to finally look your way? 

When Oikawa had asked you to meet him by the fountain in the courtyard, you knew exactly what he was going to ask you. You pretended to be surprised anyway, completely shocked and honored by the question.

“Will you be my girlfriend?”

From that moment on, you were the school’s power couple. Everyone regarded you with awe or jealousy. “Oikawa and (Y/n)” became synonymous with “popular” and all of his friends, the people you’d looked at with envy not long ago, welcomed you to their table and inner circles.

But as time went on, you felt yourself drifting away. Oikawa always talked about appearances and critiqued you whenever your hair or makeup wasn’t perfectly in place.

It felt fake.

Your makeup, your sense of style, your relationship, everything felt so unbearably fake.

Like you were no longer yourself.

Every time you looked in the mirror, your heart sank. You didn’t even recognize yourself anymore. Being perfect had somehow become something that you despised. 

But whenever you brought up wearing your glasses again or dressing down, Oikawa wouldn’t hear of it. “What would everyone think of that?” “You have to look your best.” “We’re a power couple, sweetheart, we don’t wear things like glasses, okay?”

The stress began to tug at you until you could take it no longer. One look in the mirror on a fateful Monday morning that already hadn’t been going well and you were done.

You had to be true to yourself, even if that meant no longer being “perfect” or popular. Even if it meant losing Oikawa, who didn’t even feel like a boyfriend. More like a costar on a filming set.

That was a good way to put it- your life had become a movie and you were just an actress putting on a show. Caked in makeup and forcing a smile.

Dear Oikawa,

I can’t do this anymore. I want to go back to the way things were before we started dating. I know we already talked about how that won’t work for you, so I understand that means we’re breaking up. I’m sorry, but I think this is best for me.

Love,

(Y/n)

It felt good to undo the bun and braids. It felt even better to slide your glasses up your nose and slip on a simple, comfy T-shirt. Nostalgic might be the best word for what you were feeling, but either way, you were more comfortable than you had been in months. Why had you ever given this up?

You looked in the mirror and smiled. You’d washed off all of the makeup, revealing more than a few blemishes, but you didn’t care. You liked the way you looked and you’d be damned if you went back to drawing on your face every morning.

It was strange walking into school that morning. It was like you’d become invisible. No longer did people turn their heads to look at you, nor did you walk alongside Oikawa. But it didn’t feel lonely. What was the point of having a boyfriend when it was just for appearances? You’d always felt like there were miles between you both- as though you couldn’t reach him even with your fingers intertwined.

Your first class was with Oikawa and you weren’t looking forward to it. He might be mad, after all, that his “power couple girlfriend” dumped him and went back to looking nerdy. You chose your old seat, one near the front of the class, instead of the back row where all the “cool people” sat.

When Oikawa entered the classroom, he stopped dead in his tracks, staring at you as though he couldn’t believe it. You couldn’t blame him- you looked completely different than he was used to. You were actually surprised he even noticed you.

He walked closer and you shrank into your seat a little, not looking forward to a confrontation. But to your shock, he slid into the seat next to you, dropping his backpack on the floor and pulling his stuff out of it, settling into the desk as though he’d always sat there.

“What are you doing?” You blurted out.

When Oikawa turned to you, he studied you with great interest, as though you were an art piece in a museum. There was a tinge of pink on his cheeks, something he’d never had when the two of you were dating.

“Aren’t you just the cutest thing?” Oikawa crooned, reaching a hand out to your face.

You jerked away, startled and confused. What was with this sudden change in behavior?

“You know, you never really officially broke up with me,” Oikawa shrugged, a creepy, possessive grin curling across his lips, “And even if you did…”

He turned to you, eyes dark with something you couldn’t place. Something that chilled you to the bone.

“I wouldn’t accept it.”

[f1-unpopularopinions]

Okay this is a rant

Fans project onto the drivers waaaaaay too much. They push their own emotions, personalities, and points of view on whichever driver is their favorite and try to force everything they say and do to fit that. It’s why there is so much Lando and Oscar hate right now. The fans are desperate for those two to be what they want them to be, usually soft uwu boys. And the minute they deviated away from it, especially Lando, everyone labeled them as evil or arrogant. I’m not even a Lando or Oscar fan and I can see that.

Famously all drivers are extremely competitive, willing to do whatever it takes, think theyre the best, and are assholes on the track. You can’t be in f1 without those traits. But so many fans refuse to admit that and the minute it becomes clear that this is the truth and not whatever fantasy they created, they freak. It’s beyond ridiculous. You should not be a fan of f1 if you can’t handle this. Cause yes, the drivers will say rude things, they will be arrogant about their skills, they will be bitchy about team orders, they will get pissy when they lose, they will usually not get along with their teammate, they will snipe at each other in the press, they will push too hard and hit each other on track and then claim it wasn’t their fault. That’s what happens. That’s fucking f1.

I’ve watched this sport get slowly santitized as the years go on, as new fans come in and decide the things they don’t like must be changed. It’s ridiculous. So now all teammates have to be best friends. So now team orders are evil. So now a driver being upset they didn’t win in ungrateful. So now a team is heartless for cutting an underperforming driver loose. So now all the drivers must be perfectly behaved little princes who are always happy, and grateful, and kind. I cannot imagine how frustrating and demeaning that is for them. I would rip out my own hair if people treated me like that. But no, if a driver expressed frustration with this I can almost guarantee fans would call them spoiled or ungrateful.

And on top of that all they have to contain, you have cameras shoved in their faces wherever they go. Any video you find of a driver, and their are at least five cameras not even a foot away from them. And people scream in their face, and grab them, and expect them to give them time because theyre a fan. Every movement is scrutinized, their facial expression and body language are over analyzed, people make assumptions about their relationships and lives, and they can’t say boo about it. It’s been like this to a smaller extent for years of course but it’s just exploded since honestly DTS. If I had 30 people shoving merch at me screaming my name, I signed it, and then some asshole on the internet made a whole video about how I wasn’t pleasant enough when I was getting mobbed and treated like a commodity I would explode.

I guess to finish off this super long take, I just want to say that f1 drivers will never be what you want them to be. So either fix your expectations and let them be human or stop fucking watching.

Send us your unpopular F1 opinions!

[alwaysonthemend]

Falling, fallen | JTK

Author's Note: Hey guys! I’m so sorry it’s been so long since I’ve posted. I have a full time job and I’m in school so sometimes I get a little behind. I hope the length of this one makes up for the wait. The next thing I post will be the next chapter of Light My Love. Thank you to all of you who have reached out about that fic and I’m so sorry it's taking so long. As usual, this is unbeta'd so sorry for any mistakes.

Summary: You’re the best damn manager that Greta Van Fleet has ever had. You’re always on top of things, you never miss a beat, and shows run smoother than they ever have before. In fact, everything would be perfect if one of the band members hadn't decided to hate you for no reason. Jacob Kiszka despises you. And no matter how hard you try to be nice to him, he’s always just dismissive and rude. After countless little instances of Jake being an asshole to you, you decide that it might be time for a career change. Little do you know, your choice might lead to some unforeseen consequences. 

Content Warnings: Fem!reader, arguing, swearing, p in v sex, unprotected sex, fingering, oral (f. receiving) oral (f. receiving) 18+ MINORS DNI

Word Count: 10573

------------------

Being Greta Van Fleet’s manager is both the worst job you’d ever had and the best one. On the one hand, the boys are the most chaotic and hard to manage group of people you’d ever met. They were perpetually late to everything – becoming so frequent it was almost as if they were trying to not be on time. They rarely listen when someone else tries to tell them anything, preferring instead to always do things their way (no matter how many times it backfires on them). And each member was so incredibly particular about how they liked things – and were similar to frustrated little kids when things don’t work out. To put it simply: they’re exhausting. 

But at the same time, they were all some of the kindest people you’ve ever met. They took you in; Josh immediately doing his damn best to make you feel included, Danny always there to give you comforting words of encouragement, and Sammy always making you laugh when you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed. They’re practically saints; and despite being so hard-headed, they do their best to not make your job more difficult than it already is. Just last week Josh had comforted you for almost an hour after you had accidentally overbooked a weekend of interviewers, scheduling two within the same time slot. He’d reminded you that being human meant making mistakes and that it’s totally okay to make them. And he’d also made sure to mention that you’re damn good at your job and one little mistake didn’t change that. You’d been able to fix the overbooking pretty easily and you both had laughed at your panic after the fact. 

In fact, every single person you’d interact with that is a part of the Greta Van Fleet team treats you like you’re family – well, everyone except one. Jake. Jacob Kiszka had avoided you like the plague after your very first meeting. He’d walked into the conference room clad in a black shirt unbuttoned down to his stomach and a pair of white slacks with silver necklaces falling to rest on his tanned chest.. Dark sunglasses were covering his eyes (despite not needing them inside). He’d walked in with an air of complete and utter control, and you’d immediately bristled as he took a seat. After the introductions had been made and all the paperwork and business discussed, you’d approached him to try and introduce yourself personally. You’d managed to meet all of the other members right off the bat and you wanted to extend the same to him – despite how uncomfortable he made you feel. 

“Hi!” You’d stuck your hand out to him. “I’m y/n. I’m really looking forward to working with you!” You had plastered your most welcoming smile you could muster as you waited for his response. He looked you up and down before taking your hand in his. His fingers had been warm and you could feel the callouses on them as he shook your hand. 

“I know. They introduced you earlier. And you know who I am.” His words held no malice in them, nor anger or frustration. The only emotion he’d met you with was the absence of any at all. Indifference, complete and utter indifference. He dropped your hand and left the room without another word, and without so much as a glance back in your direction. You’d just stood there, jaw hanging open as you watched his retreating form. 

“Sorry about him.” Josh had said, coming to stand beside you. “He isn’t the best at meeting new people or small talk.” 

“No kidding.” You huffed, eyes still trained on the door he’d just left. 

“Give him time.” Josh squeezed your shoulder and gave you a smile. “He’ll come around.”

But he hadn’t. In fact, it seemed that Jake’s dislike for you only intensified as time went on – despite your best efforts to become at least slightly friendly with him. It seemed like the closer you got with the other bandmates, the colder he grew towards you. It frustrated you beyond measure. Everyone liked you. You pride yourself on being able to find common ground with just about anyone, and you ‘d be lying if you said that you weren’t damn good at getting people to like you – no matter who they are. But Jake remained untouchable. He was the only one that you knew practically nothing about. 

It didn’t take long after that first meeting for you to become very close with Josh. It was almost unbelievable to you that they’re twins. They’re so completely unalike. Sure, their mannerisms were strikingly similar and their facial expressions were one and the same – but beyond appearances, their personalities were like night and day. 

“Josh?” You had asked, about a month into working with them. 

“What’s up, y/n?” He’d replied cheerfully, glancing up from his notebook to look at you. 

“Why does Jake hate me?” You asked, dramatically falling into the chair across from him. “No matter what I do, he won’t give me anything. Not even his damn facial expression will change. I don’t get it.” You closed your eyes and laid your head back in defeat. 

Josh chuckled at your theatrics. 

“He doesn’t hate you. He’s just…” He trailed off, lightly tapping his chin with his forefinger. “I actually have no fucking clue.”

You groaned and rose from your place across from him and took a seat on the arm of Josh’s chair. 

“I hate it. Everyone likes me.”

“Look, y/n. Jake is just… Jake. I don’t know what else to tell you.”

You paused for a minute, watching as Josh absentmindedly doodled. 

“I’m gonna make him like me if it’s the last thing I do.” You declared suddenly, filled with a new sense of determination. 

“Oh, God. Here we go.” Josh sighed, placing his pencil down. “Why can’t you just let it go?” 

“Because everyone likes me. And I’ll be damned if I let Jacob Kiszka be the one to ruin my track record.” 

Josh just shook his head at you. 

Step one of your plan was to go out of your way to be nice to Jake, even when he would inevitably try to dismiss you. You’d seen him interact with his brothers and Danny and so you knew that he could be sweet. You just had to figure out why he wouldn’t act like that around you. 

Your first opportunity arose one morning about a week after your conversation with Josh. You had awoken early – far earlier than you alarm, and so you had some time to yourself before you had to start rounding up the boys from their separate hotel rooms. You’d gone down to the lobby to treat yourself to a quiet breakfast, away from the craziness that promised to fill the rest of your day. The boys had a show tonight and you had to deal with hotel checkout since they were flying out that very same night to a different city. You entered the breakfast area to see Jake sitting alone in the far corner, nursing a cup of coffee. He glanced up at you as you entered and you waved happily at him before making your way over to his table. 

“Morning, Jake!” You said as cheerily. “Do you mind if I sit here with you?” 

He glanced at you over his sunglasses, assessing your smiling face as you waited for his response. 

“If you’d like.” He said simply, looking back down at his phone. You frowned at his lack of interest but brushed it off and took a seat. 

“Did you sleep well?” You asked, giving him the most genuine smile you could. 

“Yes.” He answered, short and curt. You waited for him to say more – he didn’t. 

“Are you excited for the show tonight? I know I am.”

He sighed and looked up from his phone again at you. He looked annoyed, but you tried to not let your disappointed show on your face at his clear disinterest in talking to you.

“Mm hm.” 

The table fell into awkward silence. You couldn’t think of anything else to add. As you sat there, racking your brains for something else to say to try and get a conversation going, Jake rose from his seat abruptly. 

“I’m going back to my room.”

“Oh!” You said, taken aback. “Okay. I’ll see later!” But he was already walking away, again refusing to spare you even a passing glance backwards.

“Fuck.” You said to yourself, grimacing. That hadn’t worked at all. 

You kept trying as the weeks went by, trying everything you could think of to get him to stop acting like he hated you. You tried bringing him coffee to his hotel room, ordering his favorite foods for meetings, you’d tried asking him about his guitar, or what his favorite city to visit was. You had tried everything and were quickly running out of ideas. Everything you did was met with stony indifference and clipped responses. 

Things didn’t start to escalate until after you approached him after a show one night to congratulate him on a wonderful performance. 

“You did awesome out there, Jake! Like always!” You said as he walked into the greenroom, sweaty and chest heaving with the exertion of the night. Your eyes couldn’t help but to stare as a drop of sweat rolled down his throat and dripped down onto his chest. 

“Thanks.” He started to walk away but you called out to him. 

“Wait!” 

He turned to you sharply at your raised voice. You hadn’t meant to call out that loudly but you weren’t backing down now. 

“Why are you such an asshole to me?” You asked, sudden confidence flowing through you. You watched as his nostrils flared and he opened his mouth to say something before suddenly closing it again. He took a deep breath. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, y/n.” He said, voice calm and cold. 

“Bull shit.”

“Goodnight, y/n.” He said, turning his back to you and walking away. You stood there for a long moment, rage flowing through you.

“So,” Josh said loudly, startling you from your anger fueled reverie. “Operation Make Jake Not Hate You doesn’t seem to be going very well, huh?” He looked smug. He too was sweaty from the show and you could feel the warmth of him radiating from his skin in waves. 

“Oh shut the fuck up, Joshua. I fucking give up.” You threw your hands up angrily in defeat. “If he’s so determined to hate me so much for no fucking reason, fine! I hate him too!” 

And with that, you stormed off, blood pressure only rising more as you heard Josh laughing loudly at you as you stomped away. 

True to your word, Operation Make Jake Like You turned into you just trying to ignore him back. You still managed to maintain professionalism, managing his needs and making sure things were done correctly for him – but other than that, you tried to remain friendly with him without pushing for anything more. Instead, you took to hanging out with the other guys in between shows and during the day. And you started spending more and more time with Josh. The two of you had a lot in common, sharing many of the same favorite songs and artists and you both loved to laugh. Josh was so easy to be around and he quickly became your closest friend amongst the boys. You spent lots of time together when your schedules allowed for it, and your little obsession with Jake finally stopped consuming your every thought. He still gave you a cold shoulder, but you tried to stop letting it bother you. It still stung, everytime he dismissed you, but you grew used to it.

Life moved on and your job quickly became a whole lot smoother than it had been at the start. You knew the ins and outs of handling the boys and it took a lot to throw you off now. Things were running smoothly and efficiently – better than they ever had before with other management. Danny had told you as such one night, as you all had been relaxing at a small little downtown bar. You all had a free night and everyone wanted to take advantage of it. 

“I’ve gotta say y/n, I think you’re the best manager we’ve ever had.” Danny said, catching the attention of everyone else. 

“I absolutely, wholeheartedly agree, Danny.” Josh said, giving you a grin. 

“A toast?” Sammy asked, raising his glass to the middle of the table.

“Abso-fucking-lutely.” Josh confirmed as he and Danny raised their glasses as well. 

“To the best damn manager we’ve ever had!” Josh yelled and the three of them clinked their glasses with yours. 

You laughed and blushed, touched by their kindness. 

“Isn’t that right, Jake?” Josh asked, turning towards his twin who had remained completely silent. 

“Oh yes. The best.” He said, his usual indifference melting away into plain bitchiness. 

Danny, Sam, and Josh stared at him, all taken aback by the sarcasm dripping from his words. 

“You know, if you have such a problem with me, why don’t you just come out and say it to my face, Jacob.” You said darkly, venom lacing your own words. 

“Hey, look guys. Why don’t we just-”

“Shut up, Sam.” Jake said, slamming his glass down. “Maybe I do have a fucking problem with you.” 

“Oh yeah? What’s the fucking problem, then?” You spat, rising from your seat to glare at him. 

“Y/n…” Josh hedged, sensing the impending blow out that had been months in the making. 

“Tell me what the problem is, Jake? I have been nothing but nice to you since the day we met. What could I have possibly done to make you hate me so much?”

Jake rose from his seat too, slamming his palms down on the table. Your raised voices were drawing looks from everyone else at the bar.

“My problem, y/n,” He said, and he spat your name out like it tasted terrible, “is that you’re fucking annoying. You won’t leave me the fuck alone. I’m so sorry that I don’t fall for your obnoxious need to always try and be fucking sunshine and rainbows all the god damned time. You can’t stand that I just don’t like you.” He said the last part slowly and cruelly, eyes blazing from across the table. 

“And I’m sorry that you’re so fucking miserable that you can’t stand it when the people around you aren’t!” You shouted, and Danny rose from his seat to put a placating hand on your shoulder. You jerked out of his grip angrily. “You are such a dick, Jake! All I’ve ever tried to be with you is nice. But you dismiss me like I’m a child! I’m sick of it!”

“Alright, enough!” Josh shouted, rising from his own seat. “Both of you, that’s enough!” 

Embarrassment over your outburst flooded you suddenly, making your cheeks grow warm. Jake seemed to also have the decency to at least look embarrassed himself. 

“I’m going to my room.” Jake said, voice cold and very clearly still angry. “Don’t fucking wait up.” And with that, he stormed away. 

You collapsed back into your seat and put your head in your hands, a headache slowly beginning to form behind your eyes. 

“Hey,” Danny said, placing his hand back on your shoulder, “just ignore him, y/n. He’s not worth it.”

“I just don’t get what I did to make him hate me!” You cried, hating the way your eyes were filling with tears. 

“You didn’t do anything. He’s just Jake.” Josh said softly, before taking a sip of his drink to calm his nerves. He hated seeing the two of you fight: his twin and his best friend. He hated it so much. 

“He’s just an asshole, nothing else to it. He likes being grumpy. I honestly think he gets off on it sometimes.” Sam said, and his statement made you laugh quietly despite yourself. 

“Thanks, guys.” You said, taking a large gulp of your bourbon. 

The conversation moved on and you allowed yourself to forget your argument with Jake, doing your very best to shove your hurt down into the deepest recesses of your brain. You weren’t going to let him ruin your night any more than he already had. 

Once you all had finished eating and goodbyes were said, you slowly trudged your way to your hotel room, wishing suddenly that you were back home in your own bed. You loved traveling all around with them, but the night's events were making you yearn to be home. You got ready for bed as quickly as you could, hoping to try and get some good sleep since the boys would be performing tomorrow – show days are always exhaustingly chaotic. 

But no matter how long you lay there, sleep continued to evade you. Your thoughts were swirling with Jake’s words, and you couldn’t get his angry face out of your head. Him calling you annoying had hurt – more than you would ever admit out loud. Normally, you’d usually be able to ignore someone else’s jabs at you; but for some reason, Jake’s dislike of you made your chest ache. Well… you knew why it bothered you so much – and you hated yourself for it. 

Despite the months of clipped words and cold glares, you’d unfortunately found yourself with a crush. More than a crush, if you were being completely honest with yourself. He was attractive of course, but you had also watched him interact with everyone else enough to see that he was actually a really nice guy. He was sweet and thoughtful, always going out of his way to make sure others felt comfortable. He was always humble, no matter how many sold out arenas he played in – and he would still blush when fans came up to him in public. You had fallen for the version of Jake that he never let you get to experience. And that’s what hurt you the most: the fact that he wasn’t really an asshole – he just truly didn’t like you. You were embarrassed for not realizing it sooner. All these months you had spent trying to get to know him and talk to him, you’d just been making yourself look like a fool. An annoying fool, apparently. You vowed to yourself, laying there that night, that you’d do your very best to stay out of his way. No more attempts at conversations, no more smiles or waves when he entered the room. Hell, you’d even try to start sitting out the aftershow outings with the boys. You’d continue being the best damn manager they’d had, but you’d keep your distance. 

The following day was filled with rushing around as you made sure everything was ready for the show. You were at the arena all day, checking with sound and the tech people, so it had been easy to keep your distance. By the time the show started, you were exhausted but proud with how smoothly things had gone. You watched them play from off the side of the stage, tucked into the shadows. Josh’s vocals were incredible – as always, and he’d sent you several smiles and winks as the show progressed. Sam and Danny were flawless, of course. They were the backbone of the band and they never failed to deliver. Jake was utterly transfixing on stage. It was hard to look away from him as he played, but you did your best to put your focus elsewhere. 

Everything was going great until the third to last song of the set when you noticed Jake frantically gesturing to one of the backstage workers. You squint your eyes to try and see what was wrong. He was gesturing wildly in a manner that’s so reminiscent of Josh that you almost smile. The rest of the boys are sending concerned glances back at him. He’s not playing the guitar. Sam starts a bass solo to try and cover for Jake, but you can tell that they’re growing more concerned. Finally, another tech person runs over to the back corner of the stage where Jake is with another one of his guitars in hand, He quickly swaps it out before running back to his place on stage. Sam finishes his solo – met with thousands of screams from the audience, and you think that it’s safe to assume that few of them noticed whatever just happened. The tech guy walks past you swiftly and you see the cause of Jake’s anger: a string had snapped on his number one guitar – on stage no less. You turned your eyes back to Jake to see him playing again, and this time you could see the anger oozing from him. His playing had turned downright nasty as he vented his frustration out through his music. You looked away, unable to watch his sinful movements. 

The rest of the show went great, and they closed it out to the screams of their fans as they walked off stage to go change. There was no doubt in your mind that they’d be going to a bar – Jake would probably insist. You went about finishing up all you had to for the night, and you made sure to go and find the worker who had brought Jake his other guitar so you could thank him for his swiftness. He’d given you a huge smile, shocked that you’d sought him out. 

“Hey, y/n!” You heard Danny call, just as you were beginning to gather up your things to leave. He had changed into a pair of black skinny jeans and a sleeveless band tee. “We're gonna go out for drinks. Coming with?”

You shook your head and gave him a sad smile. 

“Not tonight, Danny. I’m going to head back to my room.”

“Why? You always come with us.” He gave you a pout, and you wanted so badly to cave and go with them. But no. You’d made a promise to yourself. 

“Jake had a bad night tonight, Danny. I could practically see how mad he was up there. He deserves to go unwind. Me being there isn’t going to help that.” 

Danny sighed. 

“Y/n… come on.” 

“It’s true!” You insisted, slinging your bag over your shoulder. “He hates me. He thinks I’m annoying. And I have been annoying. I’ve been trying to force him to like me without thinking about how it must have been making him feel.  My job is to make your lives easy, not to make them more difficult.”

“I really don’t think you make his life more difficult, y/n. You haven’t done anything wrong.” Danny said, and the sympathy in his voice made you want to cry. You could feel your eyes welling with tears for the second night in a row. 

“Thank you, Danny. But I’ve made my decision… And I think it’s the right one.” You sniffed and swiped a hand under your eyes in an attempt to hide your tears from him. “You guys have fun.” 

You walked away quickly, leaving Danny to watch you go with sad eyes. 

The next few shows went about the same (though thankfully without any guitar mishaps for Jake). The boys would go out to celebrate, and you would politely decline to go with them. You’d asked Danny to keep your earlier conversation to himself, and he’d begrudgingly agreed to do so. 

“You can’t just shut yourself away because you think his opinion about you is the end all be all.” He’d said, eyes once again filled with sorrow for you. 

“It’s okay, Danny. Really. I was becoming too unprofessional with you guys, anyway.”

“That’s ridiculous, and you know it.” 

“Can we please just drop it.” 

And Danny did. The tour continued on, and you slowly distanced yourself from the boys. You kept things running smoothly from afar, and you did your best to stay away – no matter how much you missed them. 

Josh had grown increasingly more concerned for you, begging you to tell him what had changed. You’d just shake your head, telling him that you were just too tired or had work you needed to catch up on. It only took him a month to call your bluff though. 

“This is all about Jake, isn’t it?” 

The two of you were sitting in your hotel room after he’d insisted he follow you up to “catch up.” You’d allowed it, as you’d been missing hanging out with him terribly. 

“What’s about Jake?” You asked, trying to keep your voice as innocent as possible. 

He rolled his eyes. 

“You suddenly avoiding hanging out with all of us. It’s because of what Jake said that night, right?” 

You sighed. There was no way you could lie to him. He knew you too well and you were tired of putting on a brave face. You let your shoulders slump and your face fall. 

“I just wish I knew what I did wrong.” You said quietly, voice wavering as you fought back tears. You were so tired of crying over Jake Kiszka. 

“Hey, hey.” Josh walked quickly over to sit next to you on the bed. “Y/n, come on. Don’t cry.” 

Your face crumpled as the hurt that you’d been hiding for weeks finally bubbled to the surface, spilling over your cheeks. 

“I’m sorry.” You said through your tears, feeling stupid for crying like this to him. He was your best friend, sure. But he was still your boss at the end of the day. This was so unprofessional of you. 

“Don’t apologize, okay?” He wrapped an arm around your shoulders and you buried your face in his chest. He was warm and smelled good, and all you could think about was how much you wished you’d fallen for him instead of Jake. “Why are you letting him get to you so much, sweetheart? Normally, you’d kick someone’s ass for talking to you like he did.” 

You just shook your head, shame filling you as you thought about your stupid feelings. 

“It’s just different with him, Josh. I can’t help it.” You took a steadying breath, trying to get yourself back under control. You sat up from him and ran a hand through your hair. It was silent for a long moment. 

“Oh.” Josh said, a sudden sadness coming over his face. “Damn it, Jake.” He sighed, pinning you with sad, sympathetic eyes. 

“What?” You asked, confusion written clearly across your face. 

“All that time you spent obsessing over trying to get him to open up to you, the way you made it your mission to become his friend… I can’t believe I didn’t realize before.” 

Your heart was pounding with dread. There’s no way he’d just figured it out, right? There’s no way you’d been that obvious. 

“What are you talking about?”

He was looking at you like you were a tragedy. You hated it. 

“You like him, don’t you? Like, as in more than a friend?”

You turned away, face burning with shame. Josh reached out and turned your head back to face him. A fresh wave of tears leaked from your eyes. 

“I can’t help it. I tried to make it stop. But I just can’t help it.” You cried, and a loud sob worked its way through your chest. You were shaking. 

“We can’t help who we fall for.” He said quietly. “I’m sorry, y/n. I don’t know what to tell you.” 

“There’s nothing to say, Josh.” You muttered, wiping your eyes with the back of your hand. “I’ve been thinking,” you hedged, suddenly afraid to tell him what you’d been planning for after the tour, “after this last leg of the tour, I’ll probably ask my boss to have someone else transferred to you guys to take my place. I don’t think me staying is a good idea.” 

“Y/n, no!” Josh exclaimed, and the sudden rise in volume made you startle slightly. “The rest of us love you! You’re our friend!” he cried, gripping your shoulders tightly. “And you really are the best manager we’ve had. Things have been going so amazing since you joined us!” 

“Josh, I’m sorry but I just can’t do this. Jake’s unhappy, I’m unhappy. It’s best if I leave.” 

“You’ve been thinking about this for a while, then?” He asked, voice falling quiet again. 

“I have.”

“There’s nothing I can say to change your mind.” It’s not a question. He knows there isn’t. 

“No. There’s not. I’m sorry.” 

He sighed, and for a moment you’re afraid that he’s angry with you. But then he reaches over and pulls you into a tight hug. 

“I understand, y/n. It’s okay.” 

You could sob at the feeling of relief that washes over you. 

“But you have to stay in contact with the rest of us. You have to.” He said, pulling away from you and pinning you with a serious look. “Promise me.”

You giggled. 

“I promise.”

Time seemed to fly by as the end of the tour drew nearer, and before you knew it, there was only one show left. Emotions were high in the greenroom backstage as they all prepared to go out one last time, and there was a lingering sadness in the air as you had let Danny and Sam know that you wouldn’t be coming back for the next tour. They’d both been crestfallen at your choice, but hadn’t pushed you to give a reason why. Deep down, you were pretty sure that they already knew. 

“Good luck guys. You’re gonna kill it, like always.” 

“Thanks, y/n.” Sam said, wrapping his long arms around you tightly. You gave him a squeeze before letting go. 

“It’s all for you tonight, y/n! Thank you for everything.” Danny said, also coming up to give you a hug. You smiled and buried your face in his shoulder, breathing in his scent. 

“Thank you, Danny.” You said quietly as he pulled away. 

Josh came up next. He stared at you for a long moment, a sad smiling gracing his lips. He finally hugged you too. 

“You deserve to be happy.” He whispered in your ear, just loud enough for you to hear. 

“Thank you.” You said, “For everything.” He gave you a grin. 

“Well, boys,” He said, turning to the guys, “We ready?” They all nodded in excitement and you watched them go with a proud smile. Your smile quickly dropped though as you realized that Jake was still standing there. You looked at him, confusion and trepidation clear on your face. 

“Good luck, Jake.” You said quietly, dropping your eyes to look at your feet. You couldn't bear to look at him.

“Y/n,” he said, taking a step towards you. 

“Two minutes!” You heard someone call. You didn’t say anything as you waited for him to finish. 

“Could we… talk? After the show tonight?” He asked, and his voice was the softest you’d ever heard it directed to you. 

“Um. Sure?” 

He nodded his head curtly. 

“Good. Perfect.” He walked towards where the rest of his bandmates had gone, stopping momentarily to look back at you. “Thanks.” 

It felt like your entire nervous system was on fire. Jake’s words had been so unlike him – soft, unsure. You felt like your head was in a washing machine, spinning around in all directions with no end in sight. You knew he probably felt guilty. Despite not liking you, you know that he’s a nice enough person to feel bad for being the reason that you’re leaving – any decent person would. And you know that Jake is far more than just decent. You just wish that things had been different. 

You stayed in the green room, doing your best to distract yourself with your phone. You scrolled through every social media feed you had and still time seemed to drag on. You got up and wandered around aimlessly, cleaning things that weren’t your job to clean and tidying things that weren’t untidy to begin with. You tried humming to yourself and singing songs, but your stomach was in complete knots. By the time the show was finished, you were already exhausted. 

It wasn’t long before Jake entered, and you rose from where you had collapsed onto the sofa. 

“Hi.” You said, taking him in. He was sweaty – his usually soft hair was damp and messy. He’d changed from his stage outfit into a pair of dark jeans and a cream colored button down (with his signature look of only having two buttons actually done up). His silver coin necklaces rested against his tan chest. 

“Hey.” His voice had that softness to it still – completely unlike the Jake that you had come to know. “Can we go somewhere? To talk? Preferably somewhere where the others won’t barge in on us.”

“There’s a work room down the hall that no one’s using. I ate lunch there earlier.” 

He nodded, turning towards the door. You followed swiftly, your purse clutched tightly in your hand. You passed the other guys as you made your way towards the spare room and your cheeks flamed as you and Jake walked by them. You ignored their questioning eyes as they watched you and Jake, no doubt shocked to see the two of you walking together. Your eyes met Josh’s briefly as you left, and your cheeks flamed an even darker shade of crimson as he gave you a knowing smirk. 

You pointed towards the door of the spare room and Jake nodded, walking up to it and pushing it open. Sure enough, it was completely empty. The sign on the door said “Staff Only,” and you had only stumbled across it because you had wanted to eat somewhere where the others couldn’t bother you. You had needed some time to just exist by yourself, and the spacious room had been perfect. 

Now, standing there with Jake, it felt suffocating. You felt like you couldn’t breathe. His presence was overwhelming. You could smell him from where you stood – a blend of his natural musk and a hint of vanilla. You wanted to cry. 

“You’re probably wondering why I asked you to talk to me…” Jake finally hedged, breaking the silence that has descended over the two of you. 

You scoffed. 

“Yeah. I’m shocked, honestly.” Your words came out sharp and you winced slightly. You weren’t trying to start another fight with him. But he’d hurt you. Badly. 

“Yeah.” He sighed and looked down at his feet. “The guys said that you aren’t coming back for next tour.” 

“I’m not. I don’t really feel all that welcome here anymore.” You bit out, and Jake was the one to wince this time. The anger from that night at the bar was suddenly coming back, and you wanted so badly to slap the shit out of him. “I’m sure you were happy to hear the news.”

Jake looked away. 

“Not really.” 

“You don’t have to lie. I know you fucking hate me.” You huffed and took a seat on the sofa that was shoved into the corner. 

“I don’t hate you.” He sounded defeated, and there was a small, mean little part of you that was delighted to hear that tone from him. Like he was finally feeling how he had made you feel for all that time. 

“Could have fooled me.” 

He sighed again, and suddenly he looked so much older than he had a moment ago. His shoulders were slumped and you almost wanted to reach out and comfort him. But you didn’t. You crossed your arms and stared at him expectantly. 

He seemed to sense that you weren’t going to say anything else. 

“Can I sit?” He gestured at the empty spot next to you. 

“Sure.” 

He took a seat. You could feel the warmth radiating off him. It was silent for a long moment. You, unwilling to say anything else and Jake unable to find the words. 

“Well?” You asked, pinning him with an impatient glare. “I’m here. If there’s actually a point to this conversation please say it so I can leave.” You know you’re being unfair. He’s clearly working up to trying to apologize but you can’t find it in yourself to care. You’ve spent so long letting him make you feel like you’re less than, and for once you finally have the upper hand. 

“I’m sorry.”

That stops your thoughts in their tracks. You’d expected him to beat around the bush, to give an excuse, to say you’re overreacting. A straight up, no nonsense apology had been the last thing you were expecting. 

“What?” You couldn’t help but to ask, incredulity evident in your tone. 

“I’m sorry for being such a dick.” You stare at him – searching for any traces of a lie. You find none. There’s only a sad truthfulness reflected in his brown eyes. “You haven’t done anything to deserve how I’ve treated you. I’m sorry. I don’t have an excuse.”

You let his words sit heavy between the two of you for a moment. You’re at a loss. He doesn’t have an excuse, and you have no idea what to say back to him. 

“Thank you.” You finally breathe out, voice quiet and unsure. 

“You don’t have to leave.” He says, voice equally reserved in the odd tension. “I’m sorry I made you feel like that’s the best choice. You’re a good manager. It’ll be hard for us to find a good enough replacement.” He looks down at his hands. He’s fiddling with them, picking at the skin of his thumbs the way he often does when he’s lost in thought. You’d watched him do it on numerous occasions.

“I don’t really know what to say to you, Jake. You really hurt me. I…” You stop yourself, unwilling to let him see how deeply his words and actions had cut you; unwilling to show him how weak he had made you. 

“You don’t have to say anything. You don’t owe me anything. But I do want to ask you to stay.” 

Rage fills you suddenly, so sudden and sharp that your vision seems blurry as your blood pressure rises at his words. 

“How fucking dare you.” You seethe, teeth clenched as you think about all that he’s done. “I tried so hard to be nice to you. I wanted your approval so fucking badly. I let you make a fool out of me. How fucking dare you to ask me to stay now?” Your voice got louder and louder as you spoke, and Jake’s eyes widened at your sudden change in demeanor. “Fuck you, Jake Kiskza. That’s all I have to say.” You rose suddenly with the intent to get the hell out of there when he too rose to his feet. 

“That’s not fucking fair, y/n!” He yelled, hands clenched at his sides. “I’m trying to apologize, here. You don’t have to throw it right back in my fucking face!” 

“Hurts doesn’t it. Trying to be nice, only for the person to throw it back in your face?” 

Jake rolls his eyes and scoffs. 

“I’m getting the fuck out of here. Jesus Christ.” You cry, turning back towards the door. 

“Yeah. Go cry to Josh, like you always do.” 

His words feel like a bucket of ice water has been dumped on you.

“What?” You ask lowly, turning back around to look at him. He’s got his shoulders pushed back, defiance glittering in his eyes. 

“I said, go cry to Josh. Just like you always do.” 

“What in the ever living fuck,” you growl, stepping back towards him so that your chests are flush, “is that supposed to mean.” 

He looks down at you and you can practically see the anger radiating off him. 

“It means that I’m tired of watching you following him around like a kicked puppy. He’s not interested by the way, in case you were wondering.” A smug smirk paints its way across his lips and you want so badly to slap it off him again. 

“What on Earth makes you think I want anything like that with Josh?”

“Oh please,” he rolls his eyes, “I’m not fucking blind. You want him – you’re always hanging out with him, hugging him, touching him. It’s pathetic.” 

“And so what if I do want him?” You ask, blood practically boiling. “Why do you fucking care what I do with someone else?”

“I don’t. I don’t give a flying fuck what you do, y/n!” He shouts. The two of you stare at each other, both of your chests heaving as you practically square the other up. His face is twisted in anger – but there’s something else there, hidden in his eyes. It’s not anger. 

Holy shit. 

“Are you fucking jealous?” Your voice is high and shaky, and you watch as his eyebrows shoot to his hairline at your question. 

“Are you insane? I’m not jealous. Jesus, what the fuck?” 

There’s a defensiveness in his tone now, and he’s suddenly looking anywhere on your face but your eyes. 

“You are. You’re jealous. Jealous because you think I want Josh.” You don’t pose it a question because you know. You can see it all over his face. He’s been jealous this whole time. Sure, maybe your first meeting had just been a result of his poor small talk skills… but everything else? Pure jealousy. 

“Fuck you.” He spits, but he knows he’s been caught. 

“You are a fucking idiot, Jake. Holy shit. I don’t want Josh, dumbass! I wanted you!”

His jaw drops and he stares. There’s a part of you that’s embarrassed for admitting it out loud, but the panic that flashes across his face is worth it. 

“What?”

“You heard me. I never wanted Josh, Jacob. I wanted you. But you were so much of a dick that I gave up.”

“Wanted?” His voice is suddenly small, empty of the anger that had filled it just moments before. 

“I don’t know.” You answer, and it’s the truth. After everything, you’re not sure the two of you could ever form a normal friendship – let alone anything more. 

“Fuck.” He breathes out, before sitting heavily back down on the sofa. You sit back down next to him, the fight drained from you at your confession. Neither of you know what to say. 

“I thought you and Josh slept with each other… or were going to. This whole time.” 

You don’t say anything. There’s nothing left to say, really. 

“I wish you had just asked. Instead of assuming.”

“Me too.” He turns to you, and his eyes look so sad it makes your chest ache. You don’t want to look at him when he looks like that. 

“Would you still?” 

You look at him confused. 

“Want me?” He clarifies. “If things were different.” 

You take a moment to answer. At this point, there’s nothing left to lose. 

“I think I’ll always want you, Jake. No matter how much I try not to.” 

“Can we…” He stops, takes a breath. You can practically see the gears turning as he tries to work out what to say. "Can we try?" 

You stare at him, afraid you're reading into his words wrong. 

"Try what?"

"Try again?" His words are small, quiet. He's not looking at you anymore and you suddenly wish you hadn't been so angry with him. "We can go slow. Like we're starting over." 

You ponder his words for a long moment. There's so many thoughts running through your mind and you can barely grab hold of any of them. 

“I don’t know, Jake. You really hurt me.” 

He hung his head, his dark hair framing his face. Even now, you can’t help but to admire him. 

“I’m so fucking sorry.” He says, before finally bringing his eyes to yours. There are tears there, and your heart aches at the sight. “I was jealous. I really thought you were interested in Josh.” 

“Why didn’t you just ask me? Instead of assuming and then treating me so horribly?”

“Because… because I can’t compete with someone like Josh, anyway. Didn’t think there was a point.” He shifts where he’s seated next to you and turns his eyes down to the floor. You don’t say anything, afraid to scare him back behind his walls. “We may be twins, but he’s got all the charm.” 

“Jake,” you say quietly, “look at me.” 

He does, slowly turning his brown eyes to you. 

“This isn’t a competition. I only ever wanted you.” You tell him, and he can see that there’s no lie in your words. “And even if it was a competition, I still would have chosen you, Jake.”

“So I’m just a fucking idiot, then.” He says, and this time the anger in his voice is directed at himself. 

You giggle. 

“A little bit, ya. But I still want you, Jake. Despite trying so hard not to.” 

“Let me show you I can be different. Please. Let me make it up to you.” He pleads, but you already know that you’d have let him do anything he wanted. Despite everything, you’d still fallen for him. And now here you are, with the chance to finally have him after months of thinking it was impossible. 

“Okay.” You breathe out. “Okay, Jake.”

Faster than you can blink, his lips are on yours – soft and warm. You gasp, and Jake takes the opportunity to slide his tongue between your lips. His hands grip your shoulders tightly – like if he lets go you’ll run away. You bring your hands up to cup his cheeks as you kiss him back. The kiss is desperate, needy. All those months of want finally spilling over into this moment. You whimper quietly into his mouth and he pulls away. His eyes are blown wide with need and there’s an almost feral look to his face – his eyes are practically devouring you. 

“I’m not making love to you for the first time on a shitty break room couch.” He says breathlessly and you quirk your eyebrow at his choice of words. He flushes but you let it slide, instead rising to your feet. 

“Hotel?” You extend your hand to him and he laces his fingers with yours, allowing you to pull him to his feet. 

“Yep. Yeah. Just quickly.” He shifts on his feet and you laugh as you realize that he’s painfully hard and trying to figure out how to walk normally. 

Hands still clasped together, the two of you practically sprint towards the back exit of the venue. It’s mostly empty now, with everyone else having cleared out as soon as possible after the show ended. The two of you make it all the way to the back foyer without anyone seeing you. 

But in your haste to get out, you almost don’t see Sam and Danny standing there gawking as they watch you drag Jake towards the door. 

You stop short upon seeing them, causing Jake to bump into you from behind. You both look like deer caught in headlights or like little kids who have just been caught with their hand in the cookie jar. 

“Um.” You say eloquently and Jake snickers from behind you. 

“Alright, you boys ready to g-” Josh turns a corner, and stops in his tracks too. You watch as his eyes sweep from yours and Jake’s flushed faces to your hands that are still interlocked. 

“Howdy, guys,” Jake finally pipes up from behind you. “Fancy seeing you all here.” 

They all nod to the two of you, and each of their faces are filled with complete shock. You’re so embarrassed you wish the floor would swallow you whole. 

“We’re um… heading out.” Jake says and you want to facepalm at his lack of imagination in coming up with some sort of excuse. 

“And I’m sure it’s totally not what it looks like, right?” Josh asks with a shit eating grin and a raised eyebrow. 

“What exactly does it look like, Joshua?” Jake snaps, eyes blazing at his twin. 

“Oh nothing.” He shrugs, lifting his hands up in defense. “Right?” He turns to look at Danny and Sam who are still standing there with their mouths open. 

It’s Danny that manages to fix his face first. 

“Oh, yeah. Doesn’t look like anything to me.” He says with a smile, and you can practically see the teasing that he’s going to give you after this.

“Yeah, it doesn’t look like you’re going to have sex at all.” Sam says, the little brother shittiness finally coming out. 

“Oh fuck off, all of you. We’re leaving.” You start to walk again, yanking Jake’s hand so he follows you. 

“You guys have fun not fucking each other!” Josh calls as you and Jake step out onto the street. Jake just shoots him the bird the two of you take off, giggling like kids. 

The hotel you’re staying at isn’t far, just over a block away from the venue. But it feels like it takes ten years for you to make it to the lobby, and Jake doesn’t once let go of your hand. 

The walk to the elevator is silent, and your mind is working a mile a minute. Your heart is racing and you feel like you’re in a dream. Out of the corner of your eye, Jake stares resolutely ahead, watching as the little screen above the elevator doors counts each floor. 

Finally, they open on your floor and you pull Jake towards your room. 

“Hold on… key card.” You say, extracting your hand from Jake’s to reach into your purse. You swipe the key card and open the door, hesitating only a moment before stepping over the threshold. The reality of what you came here for sets in suddenly, and you stand frozen in the middle of the room as you watch Jake shut the door behind him. 

“You okay?” He asks, walking towards where you’re standing, stopping just close enough that if you wanted, you could reach out and touch him.

“I don’t know.” Your admission is quiet, spoken to the floor and not really to him. You don’t know how to feel. 

“I’m sorry.” He repeats, his own voice soft. “We don’t… we don’t have to do anything, y/n. I wasn’t expecting,” he waves his hands between the two of you vaguely, “this. Like at all.” 

“Me neither. I don’t- I don’t know how to feel, Jake.” 

He sighs and wrings his hands together. You stare at them, remembering that you now know what they feel like in your hand. Calloused, rough – but still gentle somehow. 

“I’ve really fucked things up, haven’t I?” Jake asks. You don’t answer. 

“I never meant for things to get as far as they did.” He continues, walking over to sit heavily onto your bed. “I was jealous and I acted like an asshole to you.” 

“Yeah, you did. But I was annoying, too. I should have just left you alone.” You say softly. “I shouldn’t have tried so hard.” 

Jake shakes his head at you slowly, his soft hair – finally dry, swishes across his shoulders. 

“You weren’t annoying. You were just being nice. You have nothing to apologize for. Come sit?”

You comply, sitting down next to him – making sure to leave some space between the two of you. 

“You know, I heard you talking to Danny that night after my guitar string snapped.” 

You turn to him sharply, brain racing trying to remember if you had said anything embarrassing. 

“You stayed in that night because I’d had a bad night and you thought you would make it worse…” 

You nod. 

“You were so angry. I didn’t want to cause another fight.” 

“I did get angrier, though. I was angry at myself for making you think that I hated you. But I didn’t know how to fix it.” He looks away and you take the opportunity to watch him. There was only one lamp on, and it cast shadows across his jaw. “Let me fix it. Please.”

You sit there for a long moment and just think. You let yourself feel the hurt and the anger. You think about every rude word or dismissive glare. You think about that night at the bar when you screamed at each other. You think of earlier in that break room. You think about all of it before finally turning to him. 

“There’s nothing to fix, Jake. I forgive you.”

His eyes widen comically at you and his jaw drops open. 

“What?” 

“I forgive you.” You say simply, shrugging your shoulders. “I fell for you a long time ago, Jake. And those feelings aren’t going to go away – believe me, I’ve tried.” 

He huffs a laugh. 

“But I’m tired of this animosity between us.” You continue, pinning his gaze under your own. “I just want to be with you. No more arguing, no trying to make up for what’s already happened. Let’s just… be.” 

“I don’t deserve you.” He admits, lacing his fingers with yours. 

“Yes, you do. So let’s let it go.”

“Okay.” 

You squeeze his hand in yours. He squeezes back. 

“Now would you please kiss me already.” 

Finally, a real smile spreads across Jake’s lips and his eyes sparkle at you. 

“Of course.” 

His lips crash into yours for the second time and it’s even better than the first. There’s no uncertainty now. It’s just you and him. You lean back, grasping his shoulders to follow you down. He pulls away slightly as your weight settles and he smiles. 

“Eager?”

You don’t glorify his question with a response – instead sealing your lips over his again. He groans into your mouth as you hook your legs around his waist, bringing your core flush against his hardening cock. 

Jake sits up and you scoot further into the middle of the bed, sitting up for a moment to rid yourself of your shirt. Jake does the same, unbuttoning his top with shaky fingers and tossing it to the floor. He taps your hips, signaling for you to lift them up. He slides your pants off you and you kick them off. Jake follows suit, leaving the two of you in nothing but your undergarments. 

Jake looks down at you and you watch as his eyes rake over your form, pupils blown wide. 

“Look at you.” He whispers and your core pulses at the sound of his voice – husky and low, laced with desire. 

He’s a sight to behold all on his own and you allow yourself to stare – taking in every bit of skin that you’re finally getting to see. 

“Look at you.” You say and he smiles down at you, eyes growing softer for a moment. 

“Don’t do that.” You whisper, grasping his shoulders to pull him down to you. His face is inches above your own and you can feel his heavy breaths against your face. “Don’t feel guilty. Just be here. With me.” 

He nods and attaches his lips to your neck, leaving a trail of hot kisses down your throat. He sucks and licks as he goes, causing the wetness in your panties to grow even more. You slide your palms up his strong back, feeling the muscles ripple underneath your fingertips. His cock is hard where you can feel it against you, and you press your hips up into him slowly. He moans loudly against the hollow of your throat. 

“Fuck, y/n.” 

He reaches beneath you and unhooks your bra, allowing your breasts to spill out for him to admire. He bites your nipple, rolling the sensitive bud between his teeth and you whine, lacing your fingers in his hair and tugging. 

“Jake.” You moan, rolling your hips up to meet his – desperate for any bit of friction. Jake senses your need and dips his fingers into your panties and slides his finger between your folds, relishing in the wetness that’s gathered there. 

“So wet for me, pretty girl.” He says, before bringing his finger to his lips to suck your juices off his fingers. “Tastes so fucking sweet.” 

“Stop teasing me, Jake.” You whine, pawing at his cock where it tents his boxers. You slip your fingers beneath the waistband and pull them down and Jake lifts his hips so you can slide them all the way off. Jake yanks your panties down as well and you hiss as the cold air of the hotel room hits your hot center. Your pussy throbs and you press your thighs together. 

“Don’t.” Jake says, and he presses your knees back apart. He gives you one last devilish grin before diving into your folds, lapping at the wetness and circling your clit with his tongue. 

“Oh fuck!” You cry as you throw your head back in pleasure. He swirls your swollen clit with the tip of his tongue before attaching his lips to suckle at it mercilessly. You moan loudly, and you’d probably feel sorry for whoever was in the room next to yours if you weren’t so focused on the intense pleasure coursing through your body. 

“You taste so good, angel. Can’t believe I let my own jealousy keep me from tasting you sooner.” 

You whine as he pushes one finger inside of you, curling it inside of you in the most delicious way. The coil in your belly begins to tighten, and you know it won’t be long before it snaps. 

“Fuck, right there. Jesus.” You moan as he adds another finger and Jake chuckles. The vibration against your clit makes you jump, so he presses his forearm across your hips – effectively keeping you in place. “Jake I’m gonna cum.” You warn and he only picks up the pace of his fingers, fucking into you relentlessly as he continues lapping at your clit. 

“Give it to me, sweet girl.” He says against your core and that’s all it takes. Your orgasm rips through you and you whine his name as he laps up your release. He pulls his fingers from you and licks them, groaning as he tastes you. 

“Fuck, y/n. You look divine, all spread out for me like this.” 

“Only for you.” You say, still trying to get your breathing under control. You sit up and stare at him. His cock is rock hard and weeping, standing at full attention. Your mouth waters at the sight of him. 

“Lemme taste you, Jake.” You say as you reach your hand towards his length. He grabs your wrist in his hand, stopping you.

“As much as I’d love for you to, I’m not gonna last if you do that. Next time.” He promises, releasing your wrist. “But tonight I wanna cum in this pretty pussy.” He glances around suddenly, eyes searching for something. 

“What?” You ask, rising to lean on your elbows. 

“You don’t happen to have any condoms around here, do you?” 

“I’m clean. And I’m on birth control.” 

He pins you with a heated stare. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Very. Want you to fill me up, Jake.” 

He groans at your words and brings his hand up to pump his cock. His chest is flushed and sweat is gathering at his temples. 

“Fucking hell. Okay.” 

You spread your legs and Jake glides the head of his cock through your folds, gathering the wetness before slowly sliding into you. You both moan at the feeling of him sinking into your pussy. He bottoms out and pauses, giving you time to adjust to the stretch of him.

“Jesus, you’re so fucking tight." He growls, brows pinched together as he tries to hold back from moving. 

“Do it, Jakey. Give it to me. Move.” You whine, pushing your hips into his. He complies, pulling out of you almost completely before slamming back into you. He sets a hard pace – the force of each thrust pushing you upwards, making your tits bounce as he rails into you. His eyes are transfixed on them as they bounce up and down, and you rake your nails down his back. You wrap your legs around him and press your heels into his ass, drawing him in closer. 

“Fuck, you feel so good.” He groans.

“God, Jake. Right there.” You cry, clenching your eyes closed. “Harder! Fuck!” 

Jake grabs your calf tightly with his right hand, throwing it over his shoulder. He then plants his forearms on either side of you, caging you in with his body. The new angle allows him to hit even deeper, the tip of his cock hitting that special place inside of you with each thrust. You wail as he pistons his hips into yours and little breathy moans fall from his plump lips. His eyes screw shut and his hair is damp as he fucks you better than anyone ever has. You clench around him and he groans loudly, sweat dripping down his chest as he opens his eyes to watch your face as the pleasure takes you over. 

“You look so fucking gorgeous, baby.” He says, thrusts growing more desperate as his own release quickly begins to approach. He slides one hand between the two of you, circling your clit in time with his thrusts. 

“Jacob!” You scream, as your second climax washes over you, sending white hot pleasure coursing throughout your entire body. It seems to keep going forever, and your legs shake and your body twitches as he keeps fucking you through it. 

“Fuck, say that again.” He says through clenched teeth, thrusts growing erratic and sloppy. 

“Jacob.” You say, and this time it comes out as a needy whine.

“Fuck, fuck. Shit!” He growls as his mouth drops open. His own orgasm finally arrives and you feel his cock twitch inside of you as he paints your walls with his release. He thrusts into you deeply once, twice, three more times before collapsing onto you. 

“Jesus.” You say, closing your eyes as you fight to get your heart rate back down to a reasonable pace. 

“Yeah.” He pulls his cock from you and your pussy clenches at the loss of him. “Hold on.” He reaches down towards the foot of the bed where his boxers lay. He cleans you both up before throwing them down onto the floor. He reaches across to the nightstand and flicks the light off. 

He collapses onto his back and you roll onto your side to face him. The two of you stare at each other in the dark. 

“Do you believe me now when I say all is forgiven?” You ask him, smiling as you take in his fucked out expression. 

“Yeah, I guess.” He says, smiling back at you. “I’m still gonna keep telling you though – I’m so fucking sorry.” 

You reach up and cup his face between your palms, bringing him close to you so you can press your lips to his in a sweet kiss. 

“And I’ll keep telling you that it’s okay.” You say against his plush lips. “I’ll always choose you.” 

He searches your face before pressing a kiss to your forehead. 

“Thank you.” 

He pulls you in tight to his chest, and you can feel his steady heartbeat as you nuzzle into his skin. You toss one leg over him, pulling him even tighter against you. 

“Does this mean you’ll come back for the next tour?” He asks, face buried in your hair. 

You giggle.

“Abso-fucking-lutely.” 

------------------

Taglist:

@sacredthethreadgvf

[rendezvouz-fling]

Astro Observations #27

Moon signs edition part 3!🍂

• Taurus/2H moons tend to become addicted to going to casinos the quickest.

• Sagittarius/9H moons have a thing for drinking.

• Aries/1H moons tend to be quick tempered yet they’re also quick to forgive and move on like nothing happened.

• On the flip side when they see someone as their enemy, even if they don’t say anything to that person they’ll gossip about that person and make fun of them for years.

• Air moons & Leo/Sagittarius moon/3H/5H/7H/9H/11H moons 🤝 having some of the best playlists out here.

• I’ve noticed fixed moons (Aquarius/Leo/Taurus/Scorpio) tend to be heavily into 1 music genre or they have long lasting phases per genre.

• Taurus/2H moons 🤝 listening to others’ ideas but dismissing them if their not practical sounding.

• Sagittarius/9H moons 🤝 being the life of the party even if they’re shy.

• Libra/7H moons & Taurus/2H moons just have an eye for aesthetic. Even if they don’t acknowledge it themselves.

• One thing fire moons/1H/5H/9H moons will do is try cheer other people up but will not have it when others try to do the same for them.😭

• Gemini/Virgo/Scorpio/Aquarius moons 🤝 overthinking everything.

• People with their moon at 10/22 degree tend to come across reserved even if they have a bubbly personality and are usually very poised from their teens.

• Scorpio moons are some of the most affectionate people I’ve ever met! They’ll listen to your problems and give you a shoulder to cry on. They also show that they care for you and honestly I love that about them. <3

• People with 1H/5H/9H moons can come off very jovial and adventurous in personality! If in the 1st house they’ll be very feisty and teasing, 5H moons are full of life and have very animated mannerisms, 9H moons tend to be daredevils who always down for an adventure!! Like, “wAnnA gO On An AdvEntUrE tO thE stOrE At 3Am And glIdE AcrOss An IslE On A cArt?¿ I’ll pUsh It mysElf whIlE yOU sIt In It.” 😂🤍

• Virgo/Scorpio/Aqua moons & 6H/8H/11H moons are very smart and pretty much always a step ahead.

• 3H & 9H moons tend to be well rounded.

• Taurus/2H moons have an eye for fine quality. These are the people who don’t really care where they’re buying something from as long as it looks good/will last longer.

• Depending on the aspect, people with moon-mercury tend to be good at talking about their emotions or helping others voice theirs. They’re the types to have others opening up to them or telling them their life story.

• Moon at 1/13/25 degree tend to have this child-like energy to them. They’re also very protective of those closest to them.

• Moon at 3/15/27 degree tend to come across as playful and somewhat energetic yet they can also be very scatterbrained and tend to overthink everything—and God forbid they have a mercurial moon in the combo.💀(No hate there, just to say those that do have a mercurial moon at Gemini degree are THE biggest over thinkers who tend to stress so much they enter paranoia.)

• I’ve come to notice 6H moons are common among celebrities!

• Air moons logic is randomly texting their friends something and not reply back the whole day and then being like “Oh don’t worry I’m okay now.”

• Moons at 1/13/25 degree tend to be restless and rather address things in the moment when something’s not right to them.

• Most Aquarius moons I’ve met have this thing where they sit and contemplate on whether or not to share potentially helpful knowledge on a topic that somebody’s talking about because they’ll know exactly what it is but they might also be able to use their knowledge to their advantage later.

• I’ve come to notice most Aquarius and Leo moons tend to have 2-3 siblings while most Libra moons I know tend to have at least 3-4 siblings.

• I’ve also noticed most Scorpio moons are either the only child or they’re the eldest of the bunch.

• Capricorn moons are always seen as the most reliable/responsible ones.

• Most Gemini & Pisces moons I know tend to be an only child, either that or they have 2 siblings.

• Libra moons tend to either be the eldest or the youngest.

• Taurus moons tend to have 3+ siblings, I’ve also seen this placement in people who were born into big families.

• Aries & Sagittarius moons tend to be the 2nd eldest when born in big families or the eldest of 2.

• Most Virgo moons I know are either born into a small family or a big family no in between.

• Most Aquarius/Capricorn/Virgo/Gemini/Leo moons I know tend to have step siblings or have parents who remarried/had kids with other people.

[in-the-shadow-of-the-blog]

Under the Mistletoe with Aesop Sharp

Summary: Mistletoe above the potions master's classroom door?? (Aesop Sharp x unnamed/unspecified female character)

Rating: PG

Words: 700

A/N: I tried to be extra vague with this one, to make it easier to imagine your student/faculty/whomever OC. Hopefully it doesn't detract overall. Only had a light proofread so I apologize for any errors!

--

No one knew who put it there, though Garreth was the prime suspect among students. What surprised everyone the most was that Professor Sharp hadn’t removed it. A little sprig of green leaves and white berries remained fixed above the classroom doorway, the potions master striding underneath it without a glance.

"Do you think he hasn't noticed?"

"The man notices everything!"

"Why hasn't he gotten rid of it, then?"

The whispering students fell silent, looking up sheepishly to see the man in question glaring down at them.

"This rousing conversation is about your assignment, I trust?"

"Yes, Professor Sharp."

"Good."

Aesop spared them another suspicious glance before moving on to the next table.

When class had ended and the room emptied, she walked in. The very person he had been wanting to see.

"Professor Sharp?" She called out, drawing his attention from the papers on his desk.

He looked up, unable to keep the smile from his lips. The smile he wore every time he saw her face. "How may I assist you?"

"I don't suppose you have any extra dittany on hand? I've somehow let myself run out."

Aesop braced his hands on the arms of his chair as he stood. "Let me look."

She waited patiently, examining the jars and chalkboards around the classroom. Knowing Aesop hated it when someone hovered over his shoulder, she stayed back.

"Sorry, looks like I'm out as well," Aesop said behind her.

She turned in surprise, having not heard his approach. Aesop was so close, she could make out every detail of his face, the scar across his cheek, the cunning twinkle in his eye. Close enough to feel his warmth against her front.

A nervous swallow bought her just enough time to find her words. "No bother. I'll check the greenhouses."

Clearing her throat, she turned to leave the classroom, feeing Aesop's gaze on her back.

"Wait just a moment," Aesop called out.

She stopped, one foot through the doorway, and turned to look at him. Aesop approached her, a very subtle smirk forming on his lips.

"Found some." Aesop came to a stop in front of her, holding out a vial.

Her fingers close around the glass, brushing against Aesop’s palm as she takes the vial. Their eyes locked, the quiet intensity of the moment reflected in their faces. Neither of them moved, hands still indulging in the lingering touch.

Then Aesop's other hand was on her waist, pulling her close, gazing deep into her eyes. “Seems I’ve caught you under the mistletoe. We can’t break tradition, can we?”

Lips parting instinctively at his words, she glanced up at the innocuous sprig of green and white above his door, the one that had become the subject of so much gossip among the students. Good thing none of them were around to see this.

"No, we can't," she whispered back, leaning into him just enough for him to get the message of her consent.

Aesop leaned forward, lips capturing hers in a kiss that was sweet and passionate all at once. His hand cradled the back of her neck while her fingers threaded through his hair. She would happily remain like this for an eternity, letting the world slip away around them. The way Aesop's hand tugged at her hips told her he felt the same way.

A lack of air finally forced them apart, breathing heavily as Aesop pressed his forehead to hers. He had no intention of letting her go just yet. There were ten minutes before his next class, and he would not waste a single second. Not that she was trying to get away, mind.

"Were you the one who put it up there all along?" She finally asked.

Aesop shook his head. "You know me. I was hardly going to waste the opportunity."

Aesop lifted his wand, pointing it at the mistletoe above the door. Before he could cast a spell, she laid her hand on his arm, lowering it back to his side.

"Leave it," she urged. "Wouldn't it be suspicious to take it down now?"

He considered her words and nodded. "I suppose you're right. But then, cleverness is one trait I admire most in you."

While Aesop pocketed his wand, she pulled him into another kiss, stealing as much time as she could before students began wandering by. It seemed Aesop didn't suspect her ulterior motive for asking him to keep the mistletoe in place.

She was already scheming of what other potion ingredients she could run out of next.

--

Masterlist

[the-kirbe-anon]

MANIFESTIMONY (1/???)

Lately, I’ve been trying to block out all outside influences from my personal relationship with god, but here’s the difficult thing about that: I’m still looking for answers. The Bible on its own isn’t enough for me, it’s just not. It’s vague as fuck, and there’s a lot of unanswered questions that I need properly answered if you expect me to understand any of it at all. But when most Christians/Pastors tell me their answers, I add those answers into the equation and it just makes me feel even worse, leaving me with even more questions, depression, paranoia, and overall confusion than before. I know that you probably think I shouldn’t let other Christians influence my relationship with God, as if it’s not already bad just being God, The Bible, and me. I try to picture God how you all want me to picture him (a loving father), but then thoughts of all the things he did in the bible come to mind, and I start to feel as if it's all just a facade. It all crumbles away, and I start to feel sick. I just can’t feel safe in him. It feels better viewing Christ as a being entirely separate from God, a being that came to sacrificed himself to save us from his father’s wrath. If Jesus is God, the same god that did all of those things, then I feel like he deserved everything they did to him. Why should I feel bad for him? He’s the all-powerful ruler of existence, he has everything he could ever want and infinitely more. He CHOSE to become human, he KNEW he would be killed in the way he was. He WANTED to be killed in the way he was. In fact, why should I feel bad for him anyway? He’s the son of God, that makes him one of the most privileged people in existence by default. He didn’t even stay dead, so what exactly did he sacrifice? Even ignoring all of that, why did God feel he had to die in one of the most violent and horrific ways imaginable just so he can save us from himself? Is God not powerful enough against sin to avoid bloodshed? Or is he just that bloodthirsty? Why did God have to kill so many people? Is God not all-powerful against the devil? Can God not just come up with a way to fix the issue without killing his children? Did he know he would have to do this to them? If he did, then why did he create them in the first place? Are we all just disposable toys for him? Things he can play with for a while and then discard when we don’t serve the purpose he wanted us to have? Does he even really consider us humans his children? Or just the ones that mindlessly obey him? God never changes apparently, so he’s still the same bloodthirsty, apathetic tyrant he was when he did all those things. Why should I trust him? Because he created me? Look at what he HIMSELF did to the things he’s created in the past. I know God hates me asking all these questions and is probably contemplating the right time to kill me right now, but I’ve tried to stop thinking about all of this, and I just can’t. I wish God never gave humans free will. He had no reason to give humans free will whatsoever. He knew ALL of the risks, knowing that he would have to kill so many of his own creations, ones that he supposedly “loved”, and knowing that most of those creations wouldn’t come back to him, and he STILL gave us free will. WHY? Does he just love seeing us fuck up all the time so he can justify punishing us? Otherwise, I can’t see a reason. Think about how much better everything would be if we didn’t have free will, how much happier we all would be, and most importantly, how much happier God would be. There would be no sin, because we’d be unable to. We would still be in the garden. God wouldn’t have to have killed any of us and none of us would go to hell. The more Christians I talk to, the less christians I’m able to talk to, and the more I feel like, maybe this is God’s way of telling me I deserve to be alone.

Hello Anon, sorry this answer took a bit, but I'll try to answer this to the best of my ability and if I miss something/ say something wrong I hope my fellow Christian mutuals chime in as needed.

1. Jesus is God. There are many Bible verses that point to this.

John 10:30 (ESV)

30 I and the Father are one.”

John 8:58

Jesus said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, before Abraham was, I am.”

John 1:1

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

There are more verses that show that The Father and The Son and The Holy Spirit are one God, the same God.

Now, Why did God kill people?

Well God, being fully good, cannot tolerate sin. The punishment for sin is death and hell. God is fully justice as well, so while He can decide who dies and who doesn't, and even uses the government (not citizens such as vigilantes) as a tool for justice (death penalty, prison, ECT.

(better explained in these articles)

Why did God give us free will, knowing that we would sin?

He did that because He wanted us to have a relationship with Him, and if we were like machines or puppets, we wouldn't be able to have a relationship with Him.

We wouldn't get to know His incredible mercy, His grace or truly understand what His love is. More on that here

(GotQuestions teen site, put it there because they explain it in an easy to understand way while remaining true to the Bible.)

Also God doesn't want to punish us and He's not waiting for you to mess up so He could kill or punish you, that's not who He is and I'm sorry if someone made you think He is like that. God does hate sin and wants us to repent but he's not sitting there waiting to kill or punish you. Yes continuous unrepentant sin leads to Hell, but Jesus (as I said, also God) did everything necessary for you to repent and be saved.

God sent His Son so that anyone who accepts Him as their Lord and Savior can be saved, including you.

We ALL have sinned, and deserve punishment, especially me. I'm no better than anyone else and struggle with sin daily. BUT Jesus, who had never sinned, died on the cross to pay for our sins, and resurrected three days later. He didn't sin, so He didn't deserve the punishment He got, but willingly accepted the punishment we deserve so that He could save us.

If you accept Jesus, you don't ever need to worry about being punished, because He already paid for that punishment.

[roseclaw]

WIP WEDNESDAY MDZS BB edition

Another @mdzsbigbang Nie Bro phone call!

“Is something wrong?” Nie Mingjue asked anxiously. “These calculations make no sense,” Nie Huaisang said. “…How drunk are you?” “I will never be drunk enough for this,” Nie Huaisang muttered. “But these don’t make sense.” “How?” “Do you really want to hear me go on about it?” Nie Huaisang asked grumpily. “No,” Nie Mingjue said. “I don’t. I want to know if you can fix it.” That’s what Nie Huaisang thought. He continued to frown down at the numbers and the omens. His brother was right, things were becoming more exponential, and if Nie Huaisang extrapolated from there. “There are less than two weeks before the Hellmouth opens and brings about the end of the world,” Nie Huaisang said, hating every word that came out of his mouth. “A bit more than ten days to prevent everything.” “Fuck me.” Nie Mingjue whispered. Louder, he said, “I want you to calculate everything again when you’re sober.” “I don’t need to be sober for this. I don’t want to be sober for this.” He glowered at the papers, especially the star charts. “But you’re sure?” “Da-ge, how can I not be sure?” Nie Huaisang whimpered. Nie Mingjue sighed. “I want you to meet with Lan Qiren tomorrow. No more running away to get drunk.” Nie Huaisang sat down in the chair heavily. “I didn’t ask for this.” “No one ever asks for it,” Nie Mingjue told him gently. “I don’t want it.” “Neither does the Slayer, and this is ultimately her responsibility,” Nie Mingjue said. “How is this the responsibility of one person?” Nie Huaisang demanded. “This should be something for heads of state and – and people like that. They ask for that responsibility, not sweet girls like Yanli.” “We both know how unfair the world can be,” Nie Mingjue reminded him. Nie Huaisang scoffed. “I hate this. How can one girl prevent this?” “She’ll have backup,” Nie Mingjue said. “You? You’re going to—Da-ge, you can’t!” “I’ve done it before.” “You’ve fucking what? How did I not know this?” “It’s part of the gig,” Nie Mingjue said plainly. “It’s part of being a journalist?!” “What—no! It’s part of being part of the Watcher’s Council.” “Fuck them, spying on me from the UK, making you risk your life for the apocalypse. How many apocalypses have you prevented?” “Don’t know,” Nie Mingjue said. “At least three.” “…What? How often does someone want to end the world?” “A lot. It’s a fairly standard power grab.” Nie Huaisang had absolutely no idea what to say to that. He didn’t like any of this, and he had mad that inescapably clear. “How am I supposed to sleep now?” he grumbled. “Go find your Supermodel Cheekbones,” Nie Mingjue suggested. Nie Huaisang sighed loudly. “I’m too drunk.” “Text him. Booty call.” “Did you just - Did you say…?” Nie Huaisang burst into a fit of uncontrollable giggles. “Isn’t that the equivalent of inviting him over? Didn’t you say I shouldn’t do that?” He glanced at the clock, trying to control his giggles. It was nearly one in the morning. During the normal workweek. He wasn’t going to text Jiang Wanyin. Wait. Did he even have Jiang Wanyin’s phone number? He didn’t think so… Ugh. So a booty call wasn’t even an option. Even if it wasn’t the middle of the week. Wait. No. Was it a Friday night? He didn’t even know how time worked anymore. He must be too drunk for that. “Meet with Qiren tomorrow,” Nie Mingjue said. “And drink some water.” “I’m drinking water,” Nie Huaisang mumbled, staring at the glass sitting on the table next to the star charts. “Fucking stars.” “See what the stars say about you and Cheekbones,” Nie Mingjue said. “And actually drink the water. Don’t pout at it.” Nie Huaisang sighed. “Fine.”

[aheavenofhell]

Okay okay okay okay, I think it’s time to voice why the Aziraphale hate bothers me so much—and I know I shouldn’t take it personally but—

GODDAMMIT I WILL TAKE IT PERSONALLY!

The way some of the fandom is reacting to Aziraphale leaving is giving very much the same unwelcoming vibes I got trying to make queer friends when I first came out of the closet and church. I was at an impasse, because while yes, the church didn’t accept me and I had to leave it—

I didn’t get accepted there either.

I got long shit talks about Christianity and how Christian love is really just hate and etc etc and the thing is, the thing is—

They didn’t realize! You don’t realize! People who didn’t grow up devoutly religious don’t realize! When you are reared one way, born surrounded by people telling you one thing is the Ultimate Truth and if you question or disobey you LITERALLY GO TO HELL AND BURN FOREVER you end up with some not so good beliefs/choices! Because you, remember, whole-heartedly believe that anything else is eternal punishment.

And I’m not out here trying to justify everything Christians do or anything like that, that’s not my point. My point is that as a little girl I was taught Abraham was right for trying to kill Isaac, and the belief that he wasn’t was a secret I kept in my chest whenever I heard the story, because I was afraid of literal divine retribution.

All these things I was taught, all these things repeated over and over again in my ears over the course of most of my life, have had a huge impact on how I behave to this day, even if I don’t necessarily believe the same things anymore. Because you don’t just get to live in that kind of fear and anxiety and shame for that long and come out unscathed.

And it is very, very hard not to go back. I think a lot of people don’t realize this about escaping a certain belief system. It’s fucking hard not to revert back to what has, despite it’s inherent discomfort, become comfortable. To accept the fact that you spent the majority of your life dedicated to the wrong thing. Do you know how painful it is to realize that? The sense of purpose you lose?

So yeah. I understand Aziraphale’s decision. I understand being uncomfortable in the grey. I understand still believing there’s a way to be Good with the capital G. Probably above all that I understand wanting to fix things. Ha! That’s what I said as a police explorer at 14. There’s even a little news clip of me, somewhere on the web, saying just that. I want to change things from the inside, I told the local reporter. I want to be a good cop.

And it took me a little bit to realize that that wasn’t something I could take on. That my anger over the injustice happening at the hands of police officers would not be resolved by becoming a police officer that Doesn’t Do That. That I couldn’t right their wrongs just by simply being the good one.

I still believe in trying to do the right thing. I still believe there’s some universal rights and wrongs, albeit only a few. But I’ve learned, over a very slow period of time, to look into those grey areas. To abandon the black and white.

Aziraphale is on his way to figuring that out too. But man, that shit is hard.

[greater-than-the-sword]

MANIFESTIMONY (1/???)

Lately, I’ve been trying to block out all outside influences from my personal relationship with god, but here’s the difficult thing about that: I’m still looking for answers. The Bible on its own isn’t enough for me, it’s just not. It’s vague as fuck, and there’s a lot of unanswered questions that I need properly answered if you expect me to understand any of it at all. But when most Christians/Pastors tell me their answers, I add those answers into the equation and it just makes me feel even worse, leaving me with even more questions, depression, paranoia, and overall confusion than before. I know that you probably think I shouldn’t let other Christians influence my relationship with God, as if it’s not already bad just being God, The Bible, and me. I try to picture God how you all want me to picture him (a loving father), but then thoughts of all the things he did in the bible come to mind, and I start to feel as if it's all just a facade. It all crumbles away, and I start to feel sick. I just can’t feel safe in him. It feels better viewing Christ as a being entirely separate from God, a being that came to sacrificed himself to save us from his father’s wrath. If Jesus is God, the same god that did all of those things, then I feel like he deserved everything they did to him. Why should I feel bad for him? He’s the all-powerful ruler of existence, he has everything he could ever want and infinitely more. He CHOSE to become human, he KNEW he would be killed in the way he was. He WANTED to be killed in the way he was. In fact, why should I feel bad for him anyway? He’s the son of God, that makes him one of the most privileged people in existence by default. He didn’t even stay dead, so what exactly did he sacrifice? Even ignoring all of that, why did God feel he had to die in one of the most violent and horrific ways imaginable just so he can save us from himself? Is God not powerful enough against sin to avoid bloodshed? Or is he just that bloodthirsty? Why did God have to kill so many people? Is God not all-powerful against the devil? Can God not just come up with a way to fix the issue without killing his children? Did he know he would have to do this to them? If he did, then why did he create them in the first place? Are we all just disposable toys for him? Things he can play with for a while and then discard when we don’t serve the purpose he wanted us to have? Does he even really consider us humans his children? Or just the ones that mindlessly obey him? God never changes apparently, so he’s still the same bloodthirsty, apathetic tyrant he was when he did all those things. Why should I trust him? Because he created me? Look at what he HIMSELF did to the things he’s created in the past. I know God hates me asking all these questions and is probably contemplating the right time to kill me right now, but I’ve tried to stop thinking about all of this, and I just can’t. I wish God never gave humans free will. He had no reason to give humans free will whatsoever. He knew ALL of the risks, knowing that he would have to kill so many of his own creations, ones that he supposedly “loved”, and knowing that most of those creations wouldn’t come back to him, and he STILL gave us free will. WHY? Does he just love seeing us fuck up all the time so he can justify punishing us? Otherwise, I can’t see a reason. Think about how much better everything would be if we didn’t have free will, how much happier we all would be, and most importantly, how much happier God would be. There would be no sin, because we’d be unable to. We would still be in the garden. God wouldn’t have to have killed any of us and none of us would go to hell. The more Christians I talk to, the less christians I’m able to talk to, and the more I feel like, maybe this is God’s way of telling me I deserve to be alone.

1. Anon, you don't have to block out all outside influence from your relationship with God. That's not a thing we're commanded to do because good influence is also a thing. If you want to hear what the Bible has to say before listening to other people great, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't hear other people because maybe they have good things to say.

2. Christianity is not about "feeling bad" for Jesus. The Bible is very upfront that Jesus died by his own choice, volition and foreknowledge in the expectation of future glory.

3. God has never done anything bad. None of the 3 persons of the trinity ever did anything bad. The "Old Testament God" never did anything bad. God has never been apathetic. If you read the old testament, you will see God's care all over the place. So, exactly which deed does it trouble you to associate Jesus with?

4. Jesus's sacrifice was massive when you consider who he is, how far he lowered himself from that, and the magnitude of what He endured on a spiritual level, which is the actual outpouring of God's wrath and not just merely the same execution that the thief next to him was getting.

5. Think for a minute about how debt works. If you want God to forgive people, well, think for a minute about what that means. A person who forgives a debt has to absorb the cost of the debt. To me, this is a very helpful way to think about the atonement. That IS what it looks like for God to forgive sin. That's the only way there is on a cosmic level of how the universe works, and you have gotta get in on it.

[devine-fem]

Jon & Damian fight. hurt/comfort.

His breath shook, and he tilted his head up to look at Jon.

“It’s okay if you decide to hate me - I am the enemy - you should hate me.”

“Out of anyone I know I couldn’t hate you. Do you get that? Do you know why we’re so close? Because we share the same burden. One day we have to take up the World’s Finest mantles after we lose one of the most important people in our lives. Neither of us can stop that even if we want to so I'm destined to be by your side rather I like it or not. I can’t hate you because there’s no one else I’m happier to share that burden with.”

Damian lets out a weak laugh, he’s acting like a kid, and he hates it.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know why I’m trying to attack you. I’m not used to feeling like this, Jon.”

“It’s okay. Damian, I forgive you for all you’ve done. I don’t know if that makes you feel any better, but I do.”

“I’ve tried fixing what I’ve done but nothing seems like enough. I’ve felt what it’s like to be the enemy and then the ally, but I still don’t know what it feels like to belong . I thought becoming Robin would make everything make sense but now I’m even more confused. I thought knowing I was meant to become Batman was going to make things simpler but it’s so suffocating. What am I supposed to do? I thought the good guys were supposed to be happy. ”

Jon is silent, trying to think of the right thing to say while he holds an extremely sharp blade in his left hand.

“I’m not sure. I have questions of my own as well so that means I don’t have any answers. How about for right now you forget about all that and just try to calm down?”

They sit in silence for what feels like the most peaceful few minutes in Damian’s life. Damian braces himself to ask a question that he’s not sure if he’s going to like the answer to.

“Do you think I’m a good person?”

“... All I think is that you’re my best friend.” Jon smiles weakly.

Excerpt from Growing Pains.