#i’ve completely exhausted my list of friends and i only get to see my therapist once a week

[chaosnojutsu]

.

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

Okay so I’ve been going through mental hell the entire day

I fell asleep after getting home because I just

Wasn’t capable of watching something yet

Since waking up I’ve prayed and managed to eat Iftar and then prayed Magrib

And since then I have been stuck sitting on my bed and I think maybe I need to vent this out

Tw: PTSD symptoms/trauma and mental health discussion

Okay!

So this is what I mean when I say PTSD is a physical disability (and this is my experience it’s probably mixed somewhat with whatever other issues I have)

No sleep! Lack of sleep!

Mental noise

(Wait it gets worse)

Flashbacks to traumatic events

Can’t stand or walk

Can’t breathe (I’m literally having to remind myself right now every 20 seconds to BREATHE)

Throwing up

Cold symptoms! Yes you can work your entire body into a faux fever doing this! Currently I’m shivering shaking and rocking while it feels like my veins are turning into fire

Headaches

Can’t think due to mental noise - hence can’t function

I’ve attempted to eat but that has a 50/50 chance of coming back up as I mentioned before and typically you lose your appetite anyway!

A LOT of crying (only I am such a repressed person I get an overdose of the other symptoms and no crying)

Hallucinations!

Extreme exhaustion (read: nap earlier)

How are these disabling? In case you haven’t figured it out

You can’t do ANYTHING while dealing with the slew of symptoms here and these can crop up on their own unprompted by environment! I cannot stand breathe or walk, I can’t socialise so I can’t seek help! I can’t go to friends and ask for help! I can’t work! I can’t study! Clean! Can’t take care of my house and space! I can’t speak (somehow I’m managing to write this purely because it’s venting and also text is easier but it’s a lot like screaming inside your own head) I cannot do basic acts of self care all I can do

Is lie here

And scream inside my head :D

I could scream outside of it, the house is empty except for me, but pfft did I mention the repression?

Okay so why am I making this post?

Because I went 22 years before seeing a therapist and have them confirm what I was too polite and repressed to check which is whether I have ptsd or not

I can’t give you a formal diagnosis, hell even my therapist can’t give me one, that comes from a psychiatrist which can mean going through hell and high water

I’m telling you this so that you can know 1. You don’t need a formal diagnosis to get help and 2. If you fit all of these categories and have these symptoms and you DON’T have PTSD, you have some other mental disability?

Screw it it’s still a disability which means you’re still suffering which means you deserve to know YES THAT IS A BROKEN SOMETHING YOU’RE WALKING ON AND YES YOU SHOULD BE SCREAMING SHOUTING AND KICKING IT’S COMPLETELY OKAY AND NORMAL TO RESPOND TO PAIN THAT WAY

You are disabled

Give yourself a break

And I’m writing this for myself a little bit but I’m a stubborn idiot so I don’t listen but I’m hoping if Future Me sees this she remembers it for a future meltdown.

Anyway

If you’re feeling like this if you have any of these symptoms I’m really sorry and here’s a list of things that sort of could possibly help:

Focusing on breathing (in for 6 secs, hold for 7, out for 8)

If you can move, change into your cosiest clothes immediately and get into bed.

Turn on something you love to watch. You don’t need to watch it it just needs to be on, replace the mental noise

Have art or images to look at to help relax, save them for days like this

Huddle up in your bed. Don’t touch the phone, scrolling can only numb or distract but it can’t help you move through the pain

I personally have some physical habits? I don’t know if this works for everyone but I drum my fingers on my temples or I lightly knock on my temples, both sides, while rocking

If you have a stim or some physical habit that soothes, go for it

Try to avoid active self harm, passive (not eating or caring for yourself) is not good but it’s not horrible, you can self care after you reach the other side of the war zone.

Have a code word to text to a trusted friend or family member so they know without much explanation that you are sick (because you are! You are very very sick and it’s amazing you’re still standing and I’m super proud of you for staying alive!)

Remember the self harm tip? If you’re in a way worse position and considering something worse, self harm is fine as suicide prevention. This is a weird and risky thing to say but while it’s not a good coping mechanism and last resort, it is still one and it’s better than ending everything. Please try to exhaust every option before reaching this one

Call in sick. No really, call in sick this is worse than a cold, your own brain is turning against you. If you don’t have the privilege of calling in sick as I so often don’t, make sure someone you trust knows how sick you are (either at work or outside of it) to support you and help you through your day

If you live with family then they take on what you can’t. Cooking, cleaning, if you trust them enough then ask them to take care of you too

Hallucinations? Play something grounding, sleep with the lights on or keep all the lights on, have someone you trust with you (online, irl, family or friend) to ground you. Think Peeta in The Hunger Games, you need your Katniss and Finnick to tell you “real or not real”.

Yes it is horrible and yes some of this can feel humiliating and scary especially being so vulnerable and needing so much help, that’s the sucky part of the disability thing, it’s chronic it’s continuous and I’m sorry babes but we’ve just gotta deal with it and you WILL survive this I promise it’s just gonna hurt a hell of a lot first

[kcrabb88]

Queer Movies/Books/TV Shows for Pride Month!

Happy Pride everyone!! For your viewing/reading pleasure I have made a (non-exhaustive) list of queer media that I have enjoyed! 

Movies/Documentaries

Pride (2014): An old tried and true favorite, which meets at the intersection of queer and workers’ rights. A group of queer activists support the 1985 miners’ strike in Wales (complete with a sing-through of Bread and Roses + Power in a Union)

Portrait of a Lady on Fire: On an isolated island in Brittany at the end of the eighteenth century, a female painter is obliged to paint a wedding portrait of a young woman (or, two young lesbians fall in love by the sea, and you cry)

God’s Own Country: Young farmer Johnny Saxby numbs his daily frustrations with binge drinking and casual sex, until the arrival of a Romanian migrant worker for lambing season ignites an intense relationship that sets Johnny on a new path (Seriously this movie is GREAT and doesn’t get enough love, watch it! It’s rough but ends happily)

The Half of It:  When smart but cash-strapped teen Ellie Chu agrees to write a love letter for a jock, she doesn't expect to become his friend - or fall for his crush (as in she falls for his crush who is another girl. This movie was so good, and really friendship focused!) 

Saving Face:  A Chinese-American lesbian and her traditionalist mother are reluctant to go public with secret loves that clash against cultural expectations (this is an oldie and a goodie, with a happy ending!)

Moonlight:  A young African-American man grapples with his identity and sexuality while experiencing the everyday struggles of childhood, adolescence, and burgeoning adulthood (featuring gay men of color!)

Carol:  An aspiring photographer develops an intimate relationship with an older woman in 1950s New York (everyone’s seen this I think, but I couldn’t not have it here)

Milk: The story of Harvey Milk and his struggles as an American gay activist who fought for gay rights and became California's first openly gay elected official (the speech at the end of this made me cry. Warning, of course, for death, if you don’t know about Harvey Milk)

Pride (Hulu Documentary):  A six-part documentary series chronicling the fight for LGBTQ civil rights in America (they go by decade from the 50s-2000s, and there is a lot of great trans inclusion in this)

Paris is Burning (Documentary): A 1990s documentary about the African American and Latinx ballroom scene. Available on Youtube!

A New York Christmas Wedding:  As her Christmas Eve wedding draws near, Jennifer is visited by an angel and shown what could have been if she hadn't denied her true feelings for her childhood best friend (this movie is SO CUTE. It’s really only nominally a Christmas movie and easily watched anytime. Features an interracial sapphic couple!) 

TV Shows 

Love, Victor: Victor is a new student at Creekwood High School on his own journey of self-discovery, facing challenges at home, adjusting to a new city, and struggling with his sexual orientation (this is a spin-off of Love, Simon, and it’s very sweet and well done! Featuring a young gay man of color)

Sex Education:  A teenage boy with a sex therapist mother teams up with a high school classmate to set up an underground sex therapy clinic at school (this has multiple queer characters, including a featured young Black gay man and also in season 2 there is a side ace character!) 

Black Sails: I mean, do I even need to put a summary here? If you follow me you know that Black Sails is full of queer pirates, just queers everywhere.

Gentleman Jack:  A dramatization of the life of LGBTQ+ trailblazer, voracious learner and cryptic diarist Anne Lister, who returns to Halifax, West Yorkshire in 1832, determined to transform the fate of her faded ancestral home Shibden Hall (Period drama lesbians!!! A title sequence  that will make you gay just by watching!) 

Tales of the City (2019):  A middle-aged Mary Ann returns to San Francisco and reunites with the eccentric friends she left behind. "Tales of the City" focuses primarily on the people who live in a boardinghouse turned apartment complex owned by Anna Madrigal at 28 Barbary Lane, all of whom quickly become part of what Maupin coined a "logical family". It's no longer a secret that Mrs. Madrigal is transgender. Instead, she is haunted by something from her past that has long been too painful to share (this is based on a book series and it’s got lots of great inter-generational queer relationships!) 

The Haunting of Bly Manor:  After an au pair’s tragic death, Henry hires a young American nanny to care for his orphaned niece and nephew who reside at Bly Manor with the chef Owen, groundskeeper Jamie and housekeeper, Mrs. Grose (sweet, tender, wonderful lesbians. A bittersweet ending but this show is so so wonderful)

Sense8: A group of people around the world are suddenly linked mentally, and must find a way to survive being hunted by those who see them as a threat to the world's order (queers just EVERYWHERE in this show, of all kinds)

Books

Loveless by Alice Oseman:  Georgia has never been in love, never kissed anyone, never even had a crush – but as a fanfic-obsessed romantic she’s sure she’ll find her person one day. This wise, warm and witty story of identity and self-acceptance sees Alice Oseman on towering form as Georgia and her friends discover that true love isn’t limited to romance (don’t be turned off by this title, it’s tongue-in-cheek. This is a book about an aroace college girl discovering herself and centers the importance and power of platonic relationships! I have it on my TBR and have heard great things)

Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters: Reese almost had it all: a loving relationship with Amy, an apartment in New York City, a job she didn't hate. She had scraped together what previous generations of trans women could only dream of: a life of mundane, bourgeois comforts. The only thing missing was a child. But then her girlfriend, Amy, detransitioned and became Ames, and everything fell apart. Now Reese is caught in a self-destructive pattern: avoiding her loneliness by sleeping with married men.Ames isn't happy either. He thought detransitioning to live as a man would make life easier, but that decision cost him his relationship with Reese—and losing her meant losing his only family. Even though their romance is over, he longs to find a way back to her. When Ames's boss and lover, Katrina, reveals that she's pregnant with his baby—and that she's not sure whether she wants to keep it—Ames wonders if this is the chance he's been waiting for. Could the three of them form some kind of unconventional family—and raise the baby together?This provocative debut is about what happens at the emotional, messy, vulnerable corners of womanhood that platitudes and good intentions can't reach. Torrey Peters brilliantly and fearlessly navigates the most dangerous taboos around gender, sex, and relationships, gifting us a thrillingly original, witty, and deeply moving novel (again, don’t be thrown off by the title, it too, is tongue-in-cheek. This book was GREAT, and written by a trans women with a queer-and especially trans--audience in mind)

A Tip for the Hangman by Allison Epstein: A gay Christopher Marlowe, at Cambridge and trying to become England’s best new playwright, finds himself wrapped up in royal espionage schemes while also falling in love (this book is by a Twitter friend of mine, and it is a wonderful historical thriller with a gay man at the center).

Creatures of Will and Temper by Molly Tanzer: a very very queer remix of The Picture of Dorian Gray (which was already quite queer), featuring amazing female characters, a gay Basil, and a much happier ending than the original. 

Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston: The gay prince of England and the bisexual, biracial first son of the president fall in love (think an AU of 2016 where a woman becomes president). Featuring a fantastic discovery of bisexuality, ruminations on grief, and just a truly astonishing book. One of my favorites!

One Last Stop by Casey McQuiston:  For cynical twenty-three-year-old August, moving to New York City is supposed to prove her right: that things like magic and cinematic love stories don’t exist, and the only smart way to go through life is alone. She can’t imagine how waiting tables at a 24-hour pancake diner and moving in with too many weird roommates could possibly change that. And there’s certainly no chance of her subway commute being anything more than a daily trudge through boredom and electrical failures. But then, there’s this gorgeous girl on the train (This is Casey McQuiston’s brand new novel featuring time-travel, queer women, and I absolutely cannot WAIT to read it)

The Heiress by Molly Greely: Set in the Pride and Prejudice universe, this takes on Anne de Bourg (Lady Catherine’s daughter), and makes her queer! 

Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters:  Nan King, an oyster girl, is captivated by the music hall phenomenon Kitty Butler, a male impersonator extraordinaire treading the boards in Canterbury. Through a friend at the box office, Nan manages to visit all her shows and finally meet her heroine. Soon after, she becomes Kitty's dresser and the two head for the bright lights of Leicester Square where they begin a glittering career as music-hall stars in an all-singing and dancing double act. At the same time, behind closed doors, they admit their attraction to each other and their affair begins (Sarah Waters is the queen of historical lesbians. All of her books are good, and they’re all gay! The Paying Guests is another great one)

(On a side note re: queer books, there are MANY, these are just ones I’ve read more recently. Also there are a lot of indie/self-published writers doing great work writing queer books, so definitely support your local indie authors!) 

[haikyuuuuuhypeeeee]

Chapter 3

⚠WARNING: Mention of previous characters' deaths

• ────── ✾ ────── •

You have no idea how you got here.

Here, being in front of the lone coffee shop on campus, on your way to meet the stranger who’s had the misfortune to get Hajime’s old phone number and receive your sad ramblings meant for no one else.

And you, the author of those sad ramblings, written in moments of weakness, are going to sit with this stranger and….

You haven’t gotten that far yet.

Honestly, you’ve been more incredulous at the odds of this meeting even happening.

What the hell am I doing???

You really have no explanation, not even for yourself. The time is 9:58 and in two minutes you’re going to walk into the cafe and meet with a stranger who is going through a traumatic life experience similar to yours.

Ok, so you can explain what you’re doing. But the why is what’s escaping you. And frankly that should scare you more than it is currently doing.

Especially seeing how you haven’t told your friends what you’re doing. You bugged off lunch (much to Oikawa’s annoyance) but didn’t tell them why. Not only would Oikawa throw a fit but he, Mattsun and Makki wouldn’t understand your reasoning for meeting a stranger you met only a few hours ago.

They really wouldn’t understand why you don’t have a solid reason for meeting this stranger.

Put all the red flags together and you would find yourself locked in your apartment with no means of escaping under Oikawa’s watch.

To be fair, you are meeting them in a public place and you have no intention of going anywhere with the stranger. You’re just going to go have a cup of tea, shoot the shit, and then leave.

Yeah, it’s definitely doable. And not at all crazy.

You take a deep breath before walking inside the shop. It’s a bit crowded - the weekend mid-morning rush makes the employees hustle behind the counter to fill orders. All of the tables are full, leaving no space for two strangers to sit and….

Oh, this was a bad idea. A really bad and stupid idea.

Your phone rings in your pocket. You pull it out and nearly jump at the caller ID.

Your brain points out that it’s not Hajime but the stranger you’re meeting. You pick up the phone quickly. “Hello?”

“Heya, how’re ya doin’?”

You hope you’ve schooled your expression into nonchalance but you can’t help your eyebrows jumping hearing the clear Kansai dialect through the phone.

Besides the surprise at the unfamiliar drawl, you’re pleased to hear a clear and strong voice on the other line. Nothing creepy or weird or anything your brain was trying to convince would be the case.

“Hi.” You reply into the phone. You can hear background noise from his end, which assures you again that he must actually be here.

“‘M over in the corner with the baseball cap.”

Your eyes move to the corner immediately and zero-in on a figure sitting at the table there. It’s a man, wearing a dark long-sleeve shirt and a dark ball cap. And he’s staring straight at you.

You hang up the phone and walk over to him. You spot a coffee cup on the table in front of him and watch as he takes his hat off and sets it on the tabletop. His silver-grey hair is messed up from the hat but that’s the least of your concerns at the moment.

No, what has you almost faltering in your steps is the exhaustion that lies deep on his face. The bags under his eyes are heavy and stark against his pale skin. His mouth is drawn in a small frown and with his eyebrows furrowed slightly it makes him look troubled.

You recognize his weariness. This is a man who is burdened to carry an intangible weight.

However this man still meets your gaze and gives you a small, tired smile. The small gesture brightens his face considerably but doesn’t completely erase the empty look. But you feel your nerves settle when he smiles at you.

“Hi,” he says when you approach the table.

“Hello.” You sit in the chair opposite of his and shrug your jacket off. “It’s busy, thanks for grabbing a table.”

“No worries.” Hearing his calm and measured tone in person relaxed you more than you realized and you felt some tension release from your shoulders. “‘M here all the time and I figured they’d be a bit busy on Saturday. D’ya want me to grab ya something from the counter?”

“Oh, you don’t have to do that.” You shake your head to emphasize your point.

“Nah, I insist. Coffee? Tea? Fancy mocha drink?”

“Uh,” you’re startled by his insistence but relent. “A tea, please. Jasmine if they have it.”

He nodded before standing and making his way to the register, letting you fully settle in your seat and try to still comprehend what the hell you are doing.

Mid-inner freak out (oh god, what if he drugs my tea, what am I doing?!) a cup materializes in front of you. Osamu comes around with another cup for himself and sits in the chair across from you.

“They had Jasmine and it smells amazin’.” He shifts in his seat and takes a sip of his coffee. “‘M not a big tea drinker but that smells like it would calm ya down real good.”

You send him a smile before lifting the cup up. The smell of jasmine tea was soothing and the taste was even better when you took a small sip. “It’s my go-to comfort drink. I’ve probably had a few more cups than normal in the past few months.”

The sympathetic look the stranger sends you makes you purse your lips, realizing too late what you said. You look away, cursing to yourself. Great, way to go and make it awkward now. It’s quiet for a bit, now awkward by your weird ~fun fact~

“My name’s Miya Osamu.” You look up at the man and see a rueful smile on his face. “I probably shoulda told ya my name earlier. ‘M a first year student at Sendai University.”

You blink. Of fucking course you didn’t know his name. You never thought to ask when texting him earlier. You met up with a LITERAL stranger for tea and coffee.

“Wow, I’m sorry for being so rude!” You hurriedly say. ���I should’ve asked AGES ago. But my name’s L/N Y/N. I’m also a first year student at Sendai.”

“Huh.” Osamu (not The Stranger) says. “What a weird coincidence.”

You nod. “Yeah, um are you not from around here? I can tell by your dialect.”

Osamu hums. For the first time you see his face fall and set into something more stone-like. It’s a subtle difference but it’s there nonetheless. “Hyogo. Came to Miyagi for school and had to get a new number.”

“Oh.” It’s a dry answer that you really don’t know how to reply to. “Do you like it so far?”

He shrugs. “It’s not bad. Pretty far.”

You nod. “Yeah, it is.”

You both lapse into a silence that is neither comfortable nor relaxing.

Oh my GOD this is so awkward! Why did you agree to this? Why did you think this was a good idea?! Yeah sure, he’s not a freaking weirdo serial killer, you can check that off your list. But you didn’t think about what you would actually TALK about!

“Do ya wanna talk about Hajime?”

Your reply to his question is to spit your tea across the table.

You look up to meet Osamu’s concerned gaze. Neither of you move before you both reach across to grab napkins from the dispenser.

“Are ya alright?”

“Oh my god I’m so sorry!”

In your haste to clean up your tea the napkin dispenser gets knocked to the ground, and the napkins explode out like an explosion of white confetti.

“Ahhhhhhhh!” The napkins springing up startle you so much that your knee knocks into the table hard, almost upending Osamu’s coffee.

“Argh!” You lean down to clutch your knee as it throbs painfully but your head collides with the table instead. “OUCH!”

“Are ya alright?!” Osamu asks frantically.

You exhale deeply. “Yep, I’m just a klutz. Fuck, that hurt my head.” You wish you could keep your head down and disappear. But you look up, your face bright red with embarrassment, and meet the concerned look from Osamu.

“I’m ok,” you reassure. “Really.” You look around at the mess surrounding your table and catch a few people gawking. Good lord. “Besides my pride taking a beating, I’m all good.” You stoop down to grab the napkins scattered around, wincing at the waste. Osamu also bends down to help.

“It looked like a pretty hard hit,” he notes.

“It’d be worse if I had something in my head worth keeping safe.”

Osamu smiles at your quip, a little half-smile. It’s nice.

Soon you both stand back up to throw out the napkins. Osamu grabs the bunch from you, letting you sit back down. You try to cool the fuck out and you will your face to not resemble a tomato when he comes back.

“Are you sure yer alright?” Osamu asks again.

“Yes, really.” You nod. “I’m sorry if I spat tea on you. I was just really surprised.”

Osamu tilted his head. “From what I said?” You nod. “Why?”

“I mean,” you start. “It mainly just caught me off guard. I’m not used to it, like just talking about him.”

“Do ya talk about him at all?”

You want to nod, but thinking about it you honestly don’t remember the last time you were able to tell someone about Hajime. Not his passing, but just talking about the person that he was.

“Oh.” Osamu pauses, looking at you considering. “Well my old therapist said it’s good to talk about this stuff, so I figured that’s what ya wanted.”

You don’t know how to reply to his simple explanation. Because you do want to talk about Hajime. You want to so badly. You want to tell the world how amazing he is, how he makes the world a better place just by existing, how strong he is and how much lighter you feel when he’s around

Or, how it was.

But you haven’t been able to talk about him. Every time you tried to talk outside of group therapy with your friends, Oikawa shuts down and Makki and Mattsun get uncomfortable. Your therapist is always able to handle anything you throw at her, but it’s not the same as just talking about a friend to someone.

So maybe Osamu is right about just talking about Hajime.

“He has hair like a porcupine.”

Osamu gives you a look of confusion before you continue. “Our friend Oikawa used to call him prickly, and we’d tease him when he’d bristle up and say he looks like a porcupine.” You laugh at the memory of Hajime bristling up, constantly egged on by Oikawa. “It wasn’t even bad hair, it was just so sharp. It was weird.”

Osamu doesn’t say anything for a second before he bursts out laughing. “Atsumu had weird hair too - dyed bleach blonde. Thought it made him look badass.” He rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

You wrap your hand around your cup of tea, hesitating. An obvious question hangs in the air but for the first time since sitting down Osamu looks a bit lively.

“Was Atsumu your brother?”

The lightness on Osamu’s face is extinguished when he nods at your question. “Yeah, he’s a pain in the ass but I love him.” He pauses, looking down at his coffee cup. “Well, he was.”

You can feel the pain radiating from that one word. You understand the horrid dread that comes when you realize you’d been speaking about Hajime in the present tense. Even more so when you have to admit it out loud.

You look at Osamu and frown upon seeing his withdrawn expression. You feel immense guilt, knowing that you’ve contributed to his change in mood.

You’re desperate to lighten the mood and bring that smile back to Osamu’s face. You search through your memories, trying to find something funny. A thought crosses your mind and you feel a small smile grace your lips.

“There was one time that my friend was determined to roast smores on Iwa’s head.” You giggle at the disbelieving look on Osamu’s face. “Yeah, it was the stupidest idea he’d ever concocted. We didn’t even get one marshmallow on his head.”

“We?” Osamu asks, his voice lifting in amusement ever so slightly.

“Of course.” You reply, a smile spreading over your face at the memory and at Osamu’s content face. “I too was curious if we could do it.”

Osamu snorts, shaking his head as he brought his coffee to his mouth. “That idea would have intrigued Atsumu for sure. He was all about the far-fetched plots to piss off everyone around him.”

You smile, leaning forward in your chair. “Oh yeah? Wanna share some notes?” Osamu’s face brightens slightly at your words and he begins to talk, more animatedly than before.

• ────── ✾ ────── •

A/N: So nothing bad happened with Y/N meeting the stranger (besides her being a clumsy klutz, where are my fellow klutzes at?) Thank you for reading, I hope this chapter was a little soft respite from the initial angst~

Taglist Open! Please send an Ask with the request to be added to It’s [Not] Okay Fic & SMAU (bold cannot be tagged): @psycho-nightrose @camcam1617 @kamalymaly @toobsessedsstuff @shookykookie30 @roro-707 @qualitygiantshoepsychic @cerealfrdinner797 @ara-mitsue @gray-444 @tanakasimpcorner @rintarovibes @jellien

[nicknellie]

For months I’ve been saying I’d write a fic where Alex starts counselling because this fandom is in desperate need of good therapy representation, and I’ve finally got around to it! This follows Alex deciding he wants to get therapy, having his first assessment, and having his first session. Most of it is pulled from my experiences so far, but bare in mind that not all therapists/organisations will function the way this one does. Also I’m very tired and I didn’t proofread so I’m sorry for any errors, I’ll fix them at another point.

TW: anxiety, therapy, mentions of depression, mentions of homophobia, mentions of OCD

The Right Decision

It was another one of those days where Alex felt exhausted from the moment he woke up. Not exhausted in that he needed to sleep longer (although admittedly that was probably a part of it), just exhausted because here was another day he had to get through, another challenge he had to overcome, another stressful sixteen hours of endless worries and things to do. Sometimes Alex felt like there was no escape, no rest, no pause in his life. He had to keep going no matter how drained he felt.

It was exhausting.

Everything felt like too much nowadays. Between going to school and sitting exams, playing with the band, and keeping up with his friends, Alex felt as if he had no time to breathe. He couldn’t slow down for longer than a moment or two before along came the next thing and the next barrage of anxieties that accompanied it. He couldn’t catch his breath, he couldn’t keep up, and it was dragging him down.

What he couldn’t understand was how nobody else seemed to feel quite as worried as him. He had always been more anxious than his friends, that was nothing new – but when everyone he knew had mostly the same stresses as him, it struck him as impossible that none of them seemed too overwhelmed. Perhaps every now and then Luke would complain about an exam at school or Reggie would mention that he was having trouble sleeping, but none of Alex’s friends ever mentioned weak legs, trouble breathing, clouded thoughts, needless panic that stemmed from nowhere, the feeling that nothing they did was really worth much at all.

Recently, Alex’s days had been muddled, his mind occupied with each new worry that he thought up. He was finding it hard to focus on much at all. He’d find his leg bouncing whenever he sat down or his fingers scratching at his knees, little repetitive movements that he wouldn’t notice until somebody pointed them out. He struggled sleeping at night, his mind racing at the speed of light, every nonsensical thought keeping him awake like the world’s most pessimistic firework display. When he was around his friends, his mind snagged on what they thought about him – he began acting the way he thought they wanted him to rather than the way he normally would have.

It felt like he was constantly pretending to be coping better than he was. If he carried on the way he was, he knew sooner or later he would break.

“I’ve been thinking,” he said that morning, sat on the opposite side of the sofa to Willie. He had stayed the night at Willie’s place, vastly preferring it to his own – his strained relationship with his parents wasn’t exactly doing him a world of good either.

“About what?” Willie asked, kicking their feet up onto the sofa and resting them in Alex’s lap.

The question was strangely hard to answer. Where was he even supposed to begin answering it?

“About me,” he ventured slowly. It seemed like a good start, he just wasn’t sure how to carry on.

“I think about you a lot too,” Willie said, beaming. “It’s one of my favourite pastimes.”

Normally, Alex might have blushed, but he was so caught up in his own head that the flirtatious nature of Willie’s comment flew right over his head.

Willie sat up, looking concerned. He took Alex’s hand in his own, dragging Alex down from his addled thoughts. “What’s going on, hotdog? What have you been thinking?”

“I’ve not been finding things easy recently,” Alex began. He hadn’t expected tears to fill his eyes so soon, and yet there they were. His voice wavered, his words interspersed with sniffles. Frustrated, he sighed and wiped roughly at his eyes with his sleeve, annoyed that this was all getting to him so easily. “I… I can’t explain it.”

Willie reached up and gently pulled Alex’s tight fists away from his eyes and instead wiped Alex’s tears away softly with his thumb. “Take your time,” they said. “It’s alright. I’m listening.”

“I just… I feel so nervous. All the time. About every little thing. And it feels like it’s getting worse. I don’t feel like myself anymore.”

One of the things Alex loved most about Willie was that he was never pushy. He always let Alex talk as and when he needed to, getting everything off his chest the way he wanted, even if it took hours. They did it now, just holding Alex’s hand, their eyes fixed on him attentively. From someone else, the unbroken eye contact might have just unnerved Alex even more, but from Willie it felt reassuring. He knew he was being listened to and heard – he knew he was safe.

“I want to get help,” he breathed. “I don’t want to carry on the way I am. It scares me.”

“If you want to get help, then that’s exactly what we’ll do,” Willie told him, threading their fingers together. “And Alex – it might not feel like it, but you’re so brave for telling me that. It can’t have been easy, but I’m proud of you for telling me instead of just struggling through by yourself.”

“Do you think it’s a good idea?” Alex asked apprehensively. Willie was always supportive of him, but it was such a drastic change from the way his parents treated him that sometimes he couldn’t help but check it was all real.

Willie smiled gently and cupped Alex’s cheek with his hand. His eyes fluttered shut and he leaned into the touch, so he couldn’t see Willie when they replied but he could hear the honestly in his voice. “I think it’ll be really helpful for you. And if it’s what you think you need then it’s worth trying no matter what.”

“Thank you,” Alex whispered, barely audible, throat clogged with suppressed sobs.

“Anything, Alex.”

The two of them spent hours researching different therapists and counsellors. Willie carried out extensive background checks on every one of them – at first Alex thought that maybe it was a bit much, but Willie was adamant that only the best would do, that he didn’t want anyone with a chequered past or a dodgy record.

Eventually they came across a charity that offered free counselling. The sessions would take place at the same time on the same day each week and they could go on for as long as Alex needed. He would be assigned the counsellor deemed most fit to treat him after completing an assessment, and the organisation appeared to have very good reviews and success rates.

“We don’t have to sign you up today,” Willie explained, “not if you think it’ll be too much too soon. But it’s worth keeping in mind that this place is probably a good one to go for.”

Alex thought for a moment before making his mind up. He knew himself – if he kept putting it off because he was nervous about it then he would never get around to doing it at all.

“Let’s do it now,” he said resolutely, trying to sound confident in the hopes that maybe he’d believe he wasn’t so nervous himself. “Get it out of the way. It’s now or never, right?”

Willie just kissed the top of his head and clicked the application button at the bottom of the webpage.

*

A week or so later, Alex received an email informing him of when his assessment would take place. It seemed like a very informal thing – someone from the charity would phone him, they’d have a casual chat where they would ask him about himself, and they’d offer him either a space on their waiting list or suggest somewhere else that might be able to help him better.

Despite how friendly and casual it all sounded, Alex couldn’t help but feel nervous. For one thing, he hated talking to strangers. He’d never been good at it and the whole idea made him feel sick with worry. Though, he supposed, that was why he was going through with this whole thing, to make that worry stop.

But the other issue was that it was a phone appointment. Inexplicably, one of the things guaranteed to cause Alex anxiety was phone calls. The thought of picking up the phone when somebody rang was enough to make his head spin and eyes water. Just the notion of it made him want to lock himself away in a lonely dark room and not come out until he felt he could breathe again. It was painfully ironic – he had to do the things that made him most anxious in order to get help with his anxiety.

When the time of the appointment came, Alex was sat on Willie’s bed by himself, staring at his phone, waiting for it to ring. Willie had kindly offered to be in the room with him, but Alex had declined. Even though Willie was the most supportive person in his life, having them in the room while he had his assessment would have made it a thousand times more difficult.

The phone rang and for a moment Alex considered just not picking up. Was it worth making himself even more worried over this? Maybe he could learn to cope with his anxiety alone instead of getting all worked up over receiving help. He’d managed just fine in the past.

But you’re not managing just fine right now, Alex, he reminded himself. Pick up the phone.

“Hello?” he said, forcing himself to keep his voice level.

“Hi,” came a voice on the other end. It was an airy, soft-spoken lady, and though Alex couldn’t see her he could imagine her sat in her office, surrounded by motivational posters and dreamcatchers, wearing far too many scarves. “My name is Elizabeth. I’m calling for your mental health assessment. I just need to confirm who I’m speaking to.”

“Alex Mercer,” he said, glad he could answer that first question right at the very least. And sure, maybe the other questions he would be asked didn’t have specific right or wrong answers, but he still felt as if he had something to prove with them. Here at least he knew what he was doing.

“And your age and date of birth please, Alex,” Elizabeth asked. He could hear the faint scratching of a pen on paper.

“I’m eighteen and my birthday is the first of August.”

A tiny voice in the back of his mind questioned him, but he pushed it away. He wasn’t going to overthink so quickly. He knew what his own birthday was.

“Great, thank you, Alex,” Elizabeth said. “So I’m just going to talk you through how this will work quickly, okay? I’ll try not to take too long with the whole assessment, I know sometimes talking on the phone or talking to strangers can be tricky. All that’s really going to happen is that we’ll have a little chat, I’ll ask you about your life and your mental health. Everything we say will be confidential, the only other person who’ll find out is the person we assign as your counsellor. All I need you to do is be as honest as possible when you answer the questions. Is that all okay?”

“Yeah,” Alex said. His throat felt tight with worry but he did his best to ignore it. Elizabeth sounded like a lovely lady and the whole point of this was that he would stop being anxious, or at least learn to manage it better. Maybe this bit was hard, but it would only get easier as time went on. “That’s alright.”

“Fantastic,” she said. “Okay, Alex, we’ll start with the most obvious question: why do you want to come to us for counselling?”

He told her what he had told Willie, just with fewer tears. He could feel them stinging the backs of his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. His voice stayed level but only because he forced it too.

From then on, it seemed like fairly quickfire questions. Elizabeth didn’t linger on any one aspect of Alex’s life so long that it made Alex uncomfortable, as if she was just sizing him up rather than trying to properly inspect him.

“Who do you live with, Alex?”

“My parents and my little sister, but I don’t spend a lot of time at home.”

“Do you not get on with them?” she asked. Her tone made her sound curious rather than concerned and somehow that was a lot easier for Alex to respond to. She just wanted to know – she wasn’t worried about it.

“My little sister’s fine, but not my parents.”

“Where do you stay instead?”

“My boyfriend’s apartment.”

Pen scratching on paper again.

“How’s your relationship with your boyfriend?” Elizabeth asked.

It was one of the only questions Alex felt confident answering. “My relationship with Willie is the best thing in my life.”

He thought he could hear Elizabeth’s smile as she said, “I’m very glad to hear that, Alex.”

She asked him about his friendships and he told her that they were strong. When she asked who his best friend was he momentarily panicked because he didn’t know which of his friends to choose – they all meant the world to him in different ways – but settled on Carrie. He explained that he was in a band with most of his other friends and that it was one of the only things that made him feel relaxed.

Elizabeth asked about school and Alex told her about his exams, how the stress of them definitely wasn’t doing his mind any good. She asked about his grades and he told her that they were high but he worried about keeping them that way. She asked him if he was part of any clubs or teams and he said he was on the cross-country team but didn’t find much enjoyment in it anymore.

It was odd, he thought absently. As he spoke to Elizabeth, he not only found himself being open and honest with her but also with himself. Half the things he told her were things he hadn’t thought about until she brought them up, and realising that he worried about grades more than he’d thought and that he didn’t want to be on the running team was more of a surprise to him that it should have been. He noticed more and more things about himself as he went on, things he probably never would have realised otherwise, and it sparked a little flame of hope inside him that maybe this counselling was already being beneficial to him.

The assessment was over much more quickly than Alex had thought it would take. Elizabeth told him that she was happy to put him on the waiting list and that she would be in touch when a counsellor became available. After a friendly goodbye, Alex put the phone down and took a few minutes to collect himself before heading out into the living room of Willie’s apartment to tell him how well it had gone.

*

It was a month or two before Alex heard from the charity again. He got another email, this one telling him the time and location of his first appointment. He showed up on the day, Willie by his side, feeling the worst he’d felt in weeks.

“Hey,” Willie said gently as Alex just stared at the door, his stomach flipping at the thought of even pressing the intercom. “Just remember you’re doing this to help yourself. I believe in you, hotdog. You’ve got this.”

Alex pulled Willie into a brief hug, but disentangled himself quickly and pressed the intercom before his adrenaline disappeared and he had another chance to dwell on it.

“Hello,” came the voice of the receptionist inside. “How can I help?”

“My name is Alex Mercer, I’m here for my counselling session,” he said. He wasn’t sure how much of his sentence actually sounded like words, the entire thing having been rushed out on one breath, but the receptionist seemed to get it. The lock on the door clicked open.

“Come on in, you can sit in the waiting room and your counsellor will come and get you soon.”

Alex took a deep breath and pushed the door open, Willie following close behind him as the two of them walked into the building. The waiting room was on the left as soon as they walked in so they took their seats beside each other. There was hardly anyone else in there – the receptionist was sat behind the desk in the corner, there was a lady flicking through a magazine on the other side of the waiting room, and a young man was sat with a toddler, trying to keep the little boy still when clearly all he wanted to do was run around. The walls were covered in posters, most of them either with motivation quotes on them or symptoms of different mental health issues. Alex had to tear his eyes away from the anxiety one, his hands rubbing together in his lap restlessly.

They weren’t sat there for very long when a kind-looking man poked his head into the waiting room and scanned it. When his eyes landed on Alex and Willie, a small smile grew on his face.

“Alex Mercer?” he asked.

Alex stood up and wiped his sweaty hands down on his trousers. “Yeah, that’s me.”

“Nice to meet you, Alex,” the man said. “I’m Graham, I’ll be your counsellor. Is this your boyfriend?”

“Yeah, this is Willie,” Alex said, gesturing vaguely in his direction.

“Hi,” they said, “great to meet you.”

“You too,” Graham said. “Alex, Willie can come in with you for a little bit if you think that would make you more comfortable, or he could stay here in the waiting room and it’ll just be you and I in there. Whatever you prefer.”

Alex cast a glance at Willie who just gave him a reassuring smile. Your call, their expression said, I’m here for you no matter what.

“I’d rather go in alone,” Alex decided.

Graham nodded, smiling genially. “That’s alright. If you’d like to follow me then.”

Sending one last look to Willie (who gave Alex a thumbs up and mouthed ‘you got this’), Alex followed Graham out of the waiting room, up a flight of stairs, and into a smaller room on the second floor. There was hardly anything in there but a desk with a laptop on it and two chairs positioned opposite each other, a coffee table between them with a lamp and a box of tissues on it. Graham sat down in one chair and gestured for Alex to sit in the other.

“Alright, Alex,” Graham said, donning his glasses and picking up a pen and paper. “How are you feeling about being here today?”

“I’m a little nervous,” Alex told him. “But you know… it’s something I’ve got to do, right?”

Graham nodded. “Looking at your assessment, I think you made the right decision in coming to us. I just want to briefly explain what will be happening in these sessions – I’m going to be doing CBT. Do you know what that is?”

Alex shook his head.

“CBT stands for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy,” Graham explained. “As people, we have thoughts. Those thoughts influence our mood, which then influences our behaviour, which influences our thoughts. It’s a cycle. When our thoughts or our behaviours turn negative, it can lead to mental health problems like yours. What CBT aims to do is change the thought processes and behaviours that lead to things like your anxiety. With me so far?”

Alex nodded.

“We aren’t going to start that today,” Graham said. Alex breathed a sigh of relief and Graham chuckled at it, but not in a way that made Alex feel like he was being made fun of. “Today we’re just going to get to know each other a bit, we’ll go over the information I’ve got from your assessment in a little more detail, and then I’ve got a questionnaire for you to fill out. Sound good?”

“Good,” Alex said. Well, he supposed, getting one word out was better than none at all.

Graham pulled out a few sheets of paper and the two of them spent the next half hour or so going over the assessment Elizabeth had conducted. It was a lot more detailed, a lot more personal, and Alex needed to think about himself a lot more than he would have liked, but it was made easier by Graham’s easy-going personality and the fact that Alex’s knew it was all necessary. He wasn’t being judged for any of it, he was just helping Graham help him.

It just felt like a chat with a friend. When they talked about Alex’s parents and he explained they weren’t supporting of his sexuality, Graham said, “When I told my folks that I’m bisexual they had a similar reaction. I understand it – you’re not alone, Alex.”

And as he said that, Alex really felt it was true. He was understood here. He wasn’t alone.

They talked about Alex’s trouble sleeping, how he worried about the little things rather than anything really important, how he was a picky eater, and every detail that seemed insignificant but clearly meant something to Graham. It felt a little invasive, but the environment was comfortable, so Alex didn’t really mind sharing. It was ridiculously easy to say everything on his mind and so much more freeing than keeping his emotions bottled up like normal.

“Alright then,” Graham said eventually. “All I’ve got left is this questionnaire. It’ll take you through forty-seven questions and all of the answers give you a choice between always, often, sometimes, or never. Sometimes it’s quite obvious what the question is getting at – there’s one about repetitive routines that’s obviously about OCD – but I want you to answer as honestly as possible, don’t even think about what it might do to your results. Alright?”

“Yeah,” Alex said, “that’s fine.”

Graham led Alex through the questionnaire, selecting the answers on his laptop. Alex tried to answer quickly, not giving himself time to overthink it, but a few of the simplest ones stumped him. He’d never thought about how much he thought about death, he’d never paid any mind to his specific behaviours. But still, he answered as best he could and the questions were over relatively quickly.

“Looking at your results,” Graham said, pushing his glasses further up his nose and squinting at the laptop screen, “you answered most highly for general anxiety – you got twenty-nine for that. Then social anxiety, you got twenty. Depression and low mood, you got sixteen. For panic disorder you got fourteen, eleven for OCD, and five for separation anxiety. Does any of that surprise you?”

“Not in the slightest,” Alex told him, laughing at himself a little. It was exactly what he would have expected from himself – he wasn’t quite sure what the numbers really meant, but having general anxiety at the top wasn’t a shock to him.

“So what we’ll do each week from now on is fill out a smaller one of those, but it will be more focused on general anxiety, only eight or nine questions long. And we’ll start your CBT next week so these little questionnaires will be very helpful to track your progress. But that’s it for this week! You’re done, Alex, you made it!”

Alex felt himself smile. He’d done it. It hadn’t been nearly as difficult as he had thought it would be – it felt like there had been a weight lifted from his shoulders and he could breathe easily. His mind briefly wandered back to how anxious he’d been to even press the intercom outside; now he felt the lightest he’d been in as long as he could remember.

He and Graham said their goodbyes and Alex made his way back down to the waiting room to see get Willie. When he saw the bright smile Alex wore, Willie’s face lit up and he beamed.

“How was that?” they asked, immediately slipping his hand into Alex’s.

“Really good,” Alex told them. Willie’s face softened – there was a definite look of pride in their eyes and Alex knew it was for him. “I’m glad I’m doing this.”

Standing up on his tiptoes, Willie pressed a featherlight kiss to Alex’s cheek. “I’m glad. I’m proud of you, hotdog.”

“I’m proud of me too,” Alex said. For the first time in a very long while, he actually meant it.

*

Taglist (if you want to be added or removed just let me know): @ace-bookworm @williexmercer @boggie-brainrot @itstiger720 @the-reckless-and-the-brave @that-one-newsie @bluedarkness @lookingthroughmirrors @tmp-jatp @salty-star @julieandthequeers @lmaohuh @sunnysbright @sylphrenas @callmeontheleyline

[its-only-v]

2021 Recap: The Best TV Shows of the Year

I have a hard time picking favorites. Also, best is a very vague descriptor. So, I decided to do the list of 2021 shows to watch differently and recap them with superlatives. Some categories have more than one show but that’s what you get to do when you make your own rules. It’s also not an exhaustive list but it is a very, very long list.

The Best Show with the Shittiest People

Everyone is on the Succession bandwagon now, right? By this point, everyone is dealing with the devil and nobody is innocent. It also had the most cringiest moment (spoilers, obviously) I have seen on television this year that no fan theories could have ever predicted.

A close second is The Shrink Next Door, which has Paul Rudd playing Dr. Ike, a therapist who has supervillain-levels of manipulation powers hidden behind a curtain of charm. He might not get Will Ferrell’s character to commit murder but he isolates him from everyone else in his life, takes all of his money, even his house — and makes him feel grateful for doing all of this. Almost everyone who’s seen it says it’s uncomfortable to watch and it’s even scarier to see what he can get you to do considering it’s based on true events.

The Best Show with the Best People

The Big Leap, which I’ve talked about at length, doesn’t have any villains. There are two minor characters who have very little redeeming qualities but they’re barely in the show except for a handful of scenes.

Ted Lasso too, is filled with lovely people, but it narrowly misses this category since the new season has someone who’s become one of the most hated characters (also spoilers) in television this year.

The Best Animated Show That’s Definitely Not For Kids

If you’re watching with kids, my 2021 pick is definitely Monsters at Work but otherwise, I have three. Arcane just came out this November and it’s quickly climbed everyone’s lists of best shows, not just animated shows. It might be based on League of Legends lore which has an infamous community of players but it’s capable of immersing you into a new steampunk world without any previous introduction. But I will say to not go into it with expectations too high since there’s a ridiculous amount of hype right now.

Invincible is another animated show that subverts expectations. Despite the animated style that might look like classic superhero shows, it gets violent quick. If you liked The Boys’ take on superheroes, you’ll be into this too.

In this category, I’ll also include 10-Year-Old Tom, which absolutely no ten-year-old should be watching. It’s an adult comedy that doesn’t hold back on the adult part. It has clever jokes and doesn’t take the lazy route of cheap, slapstick humor.  

The Show That’ll Make You Sad But Will be Worth it

It’s A Sin is a miniseries that will make you fall in love with the characters you see. And then it will break you. It shows life during the AIDS crisis and by that I mean, it isn’t a bleak documentary where everyone’s identity is reduced to a disease that meant a death sentence. It shows you their life, their full, complete lives with friends, lovers, families. It is one of the most beautiful shows of the year too.  

The Show That Will Make Your Day Better

You know murders are fun if you’re watching others solve them. If it’s a cozy murder mystery, it’s even better. I was watching Only Murders in the Building as it came out and Only Murders day was always the best day of the week. Selena Gomez works perfectly with the iconic comedy duo of Steve Martin and Martin Short and I am willing to watch multiple seasons of this show until every single resident of their building is dead. You can also just watch Ghosts.

The Most Quotable Show That You Aren’t Quoting Yet  

What We Do in the Shadows has been running since 2016 but if you haven’t seen it, you’re missing some stellar dialogue. Mentions of “Fucking guy”, perfectly normal vampire experiences (“We drunk the blood of some people, but the people were on drugs, and now I'm a wizard.”), succinct descriptions of human objects (“Stairmaster, the master of the stairs”), and mispronunciations that are now accepted as official pronunciations (“Creepy paper” for crepe paper). All of these aren’t exclusively from the third season but you get my point. This season also had some phenomenal episodes with brilliant plotlines that murder mysteries would be jealous of.

The Show That’s Not Exactly What it Says on the Tin  

The Sex Lives of College Girls isn’t a raunchy comedy. It may start off looking that way but it’s more about the girls than all the sex they’re having – or not having. Being what it is though, a show about first experiences in college, it does have cringe humor but it knows what it’s going for. It even goes into more depth than your typical teen show without losing the lighthearted touch.  

The Best Show to Get You into a New Fantasy Universe

There were many great shows this year but few could fuel a fandom like Shadow and Bone. Sure, it was based on a series of already-popular books but the worldwide interest in the Grishaverse hit an all-time high when this show came out. This fantasy universe does worldbuilding well, has shippable characters for days, and leaves you with plenty to look forward to with the next season. And there are seven books you can read to get more of the characters while you wait.  

The Best Show That’s Not an Adaptation But Feels Like One

This might be a weird superlative category but is Outer Banks a book was one of the most-searched questions you’ll find about this show, which the cast also addressed in a WIRED Autocomplete interview. This is a unique enough phenomenon that I had to include it. It feels like an adventure novel in the best way – a voiceover narration that could’ve been straight from the pages of a book, set in a town that feels like it exists in its own world, and oh, did I mention it’s also a treasure hunt? The second season came out this year and it managed to keep the pace without feeling like it was dragging on with a weak plot nobody asked for. And it definitely feels like it could’ve been a Book 2 of a series. Give it a watch and you’ll know exactly what I mean.

The Best Show That Can Make You a Better Person

Surprisingly, you can learn a lot from watching a guy who could barely take care of himself learn to be the only parental figure to his two younger sisters. Everything’s Gonna Be Okay is a show that handles sensitive topics with maturity and it aired its second and last season this year. It’s a progressive show in all the best ways. It’s never cringy and it’s never preachy, which, if you’ve seen a lot of shows this year, is apparently very hard to pull off (the last one didn’t even have a lot of reviews and it was essentially a show about learning to become a better person).

The Actually Best Show of the Year That You Can’t Really Include Because it’s Just Started (But I will do it anyway)

Since it’s based on a book that I adored and had a great cast and crew, I knew I’d like Station Eleven. After seeing the first three episodes that came out yesterday, I think I’ll love it. It’s a post-apocalypse story that takes place in different timelines – before a pandemic, right after the world’s practically ended, and much later when a new world is emerging from the remains. And yet, it’s hopeful. I suspect it’s going to be one of the first shows I cover next year.

And that’s the end of the recap. I hope you have enough shows to watch from this list that’ll tide you over for a few weeks.

I’m taking a hiatus for the holidays and On the Screen will be back on 7th January.

Until next year,

V

(Yes, I made that joke and I will not apologize, this year can’t end any sooner)

[flying-elliska]

Headcanons for ADHD characters Masterlist

I was asked for this a while ago and I feel this is a good discussion subject because the canon representation for ADHD is kind of abysmal and is often a caricature or a joke.

usual disclaimer, I'm not a therapist, this is not a diagnosis tool, just for fun, etc etc...basing this on my own experience/knowledge with ADHD and meeting a lot of ADHD people IRL. I'm going off the main symptoms first (inattention and/or hyperactivity, restlessness, impulsivity, problems with emotional/focus regulation, daydreaming, messiness, hyper-focus, fidgeting etc) and then looking at character traits that are not a necessary symptom but often associated (substance abuse and addiction, need to please, sensitivity to rejection, compassionate and creative, thrill seeking, very imaginative, charming and witty or withdrawn and shy or angry and irritable, whimsical and fun and a bit child-like, out of the box thinker, self esteem issues, unstable life, comorbidity with anxiety and depression, very intense feelings, functions better with adrenaline/in an emergency, disregard for rules and problems with authority OR extreme compliance, codependency, perceived as weird, clever in an atypical way, problems in school, extremely good at one specific thing, etc)

Also I found this list with actual canonical representation

BOOKS :

The 'fits to a T so I'm seeing it as my personal canon' list :

note : doesn't mean that the authors actually meant to create representation but it's very likely they at least got inspired by people who did have ADHD (even when the diagnosis itself did not exist) and explained it with 'it's just their personality' OR the story happens in a setting where the label doesn't exist as such. also not meant to be exhaustive.

- Helen Burns (from Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë) One of Jane's school friends from the start of the novel, fits the inattentive type to a T : she can't seem to focus or learn her lessons, is constantly daydreaming, describes herself as messy and careless, forgets rules, and is easily distracted. She talks constantly about her own 'defective nature' and seems very sensitive to criticism but incapable of changing. She doesn't defend herself against the nuns' harsh punishments as she thinks she deserves them. She's presented as kind-hearted and compassionate, almost too good for this world, and hyperfocuses on her faith. Apparently sb even wrote an academic article on this. She dies so it's not super fun representation but it is interesting to see in an older book, to push back against the idea that ADHD was invented yesterday by Big Pharma lol.

- Grantaire (from Les Miserables, Victor Hugo) Part of the student revolutionary group Les Amis de l'ABC and resident skeptic, does not believe in the cause but is fixated on the group's idealistic leader (and yeah it sounds very gay, they die holding hands, there is a lot of Symbolism). He spends his time ranting about things that are only vaguely connected, is described as brilliant but incapable of sticking to any one profession or hobby, is an alcoholic, has a creative streak (was a painter at some point), likes wandering around the city, has massive self-esteem issues and is a general mess but does seem to care about his friends. This is not a very flattering portrayal as Grantaire is described as morally deficient but again, interesting in an old book. ADHD!Grantaire is a popular take in the modern fandom (i was in it before I was diagnosed it brought up a lot of Things) and it's very cathartic to see him get actual therapy in fic lmao.

- Luna Lovegood (from the Harry Potter series) JKR sucks but this is probably the most high profile case of a possible inattentive ADHD character so I didn't want to leave it out. She's a daydreamer, she is a big space cadet and seems to live in her own world, she has a very out of the ordinary sense of style, she's bullied for being weird, but she's also very kind and perceptive and cares a lot about her friends, and good at coming up with out of the box solutions. I wouldn't call it good representation, she's described as a wacko whom a lot of characters find cringeworthy but she's also pretty heroic, so. And she does seem to hyperfocus on magical creatures. Plus her father could also have it (and it runs in families).

- Jasper Fahey (from Six of Crows duology, Leigh Bardugo) Part of a young group of thieves with a heart of gold, he's a charmer and a compulsive gambler who quits college and incurs debts so massive he stops talking to his father out of shame. He's also an extremely talented sharpshooter and the scenes where he describes how the whole world slows and the rush of adrenaline when he is shooting sound like hyperfocus to a T. He's a loyal friend but also quite dependent on Kaz, the leader of the group, to keep him in line. He's witty, messy and he likes danger. His boyfriend later in the series, Wylan, is dyslexic and the way they learn to accommodate each other's issues honestly makes them one of my favorite couples ever. I need to reread these books and I am so stoked for the series I hope they do Jasper justice.

- Julian Diaz (from Cemetary Boys, Aiden Thomas) Love interest of the book, introduced as the 'high school resident bad boy', energetic motormouth who can't sit still and actually very endearing, has issues in school and gets bored easily, main problem is that he's a ghost...sort of. The whole thing was very cute and I love that Julian's personality is described as fun and attractive instead of annoying (which is, if you haven't noticed already, a pattern).

- Evie O'Neill (from the Diviners series, Libba Bray) She's a flapper in 1920s New York who ran away from her boring little town to make a life for herself ; she's a party girl and an impulsive thrill-seeker who hates standing still and is always looking for excitement to 'fill the void'. She craves fame and attention and pretty things, she can be a loyal friend but is also frequently self-centered and forgetful, she's street smart, resourceful and very charming and witty. She's also grieving, drinks too much and is definitely depressed. She's obviously meant as an archetype of the era, caught between trauma and excess, but it does come over as very hyperactive ADHD as well. Her powers to read objects also really pinged me as a good metaphor for the ADHD tendency to be overwhelmed by details.

The 'bit more of a reach but there's a vibe' list :

- Emma Woodhouse (from Emma, Jane Austen) Frequently cited as a character with ADHD, I didn't come up with this one but she fits. She's daydreaming, easily bored, has flights of fancy and hyper-focuses on matchmaking, is a bit impulsive and thrill seeking, clever in an unconventional way, described as a bit immature, mix of caring and self-centered.

- Ronan Lynch (from the Raven Cycle, Maggie Stiefvater) Ronan just has Neuroatypical Vibes, even though it's not entirely clear what, and I've seen people label him all sorts of things which is very valid. As for ADHD, he's restless, impulsive, likes to Go Fast and do street racing, he has very strong emotions he doesn't know what to do with, and big self esteem issues esp. at the start, is very all or nothing with people, snarky, drops out of school to be a magic farmer, problems with authority, looks like a scary mean goth but is actually a big softie (but like, with a few people), pulls shit out of his dreams. Is kind of dependent on his best friend at the start too.

- Sherlock Holmes (from the eponymous series by Arthur Conan Doyle) Again a character who has been diagnosed with all sorts of things. The biggest ADHD vibe for me is 'my mind rebels at stagnation' and the way he needs drugs to function outside of the thrill of a case, and the way he hyper-focuses on information he needs to be a detective while completely ignoring common knowledge. Also sort of dependent on his best friend Watson and isn't great at social interactions. Doesn't care much about upholding social conventions either. The RDJ adaptation is the one that has the most ADHD vibes to me.

- Harley Quinn (DC Comics/Movies) Big codependency issues (that's arguably the thing she's most known for) and sadly people with ADHD are often prone to getting into abusive relationships. It depends on the story too but she's very energetic, zany, impulsive, she likes shiny things and bright clothes, she's fun and chaotic and likes to break the rules, she's a criminal but she does seem to have a heart, she's also frequently immature and rash, etc.

What are your headcanons ? I would love to hear if you have some so I can add them to the list. I'll make a TV/Movies list soon.

[regular-lord-reckoner]

i apologize in advance because this is probably going to be a lot but i just need to get some stuff out of my brain and hopefully be able to feel a little more at peace

so...okay, to start with we got a new dog today

should be a great thing, right? but i just...i really don’t think it’s a good idea

for one thing, it’s a very young pup, he’s only 7 weeks old. for another (and this is the biggest point) i had no idea this was even happening until it was already a done deal, i got no say in the matter

and i keep being told well, that’s not a problem because it’s not like i have to take care of him but like...of course i am. how would i fucking not?

my mom works a lot and spend a good portion of the week at work and even though i’m here most of the time i‘m usually upstairs

the primary caretaker of this dog is supposed to be my father but like...so seriously how is that going to go when the man spends a good portion of the day sleeping? who’s supposed to be letting this dog go outside to go to the bathroom or making sure he’s not into something?

and like, i don’t mean to be indelicate by any means, but my dad’s old. he’s not going to suddenly get better at this point in his life, in fact it’s only going to get worse from here and i feel like it’s already started

not too long ago he completely burned a pot and nearly burned down the kitchen because he forgot he was making beans on the stove top

any more it seems like if he starts a load of laundry he just...forgets it and i have to come behind him and stick them in the dryer or sometimes just rewash them altogether because they’ve started to smell sour

there’s just a lot of stuff like that where you can tell he started doing something but went to go check on something else or just wandered off and forgot about it completely

i’m genuinely worried about his memory starting to go and we think...giving him a living creature that depends on him for survival was a good idea? i’m sorry, i just don’t see it and that means i’ll have to pick up the slack and like. okay, i’ll do it for this poor little dog that also had no say in this but needs someone to take care of him but jesus fucking christ i just wish someone had bothered to run this by me first so i could at least mentally prepare for this

mind you too i’m already taking care of two cats that also aren’t mine and were brought here without me knowing anything about it and that was also a “well, it’s not your responsibility so don’t worry about it” kind of thing and well...here we are.

and i’m already trying to help out around here more as it is because like, no shit, i appreciate getting to stay here i really do so i don’t mind but honestly a lot of what i end up doing isn’t even my own stuff, y’know?

i’m taking care of myself but i’m also trying to go behind two other people and keep things clean and make things easier for everyone else and i don’t even get a courtesy like, “hey, big new responsibility dropping, get ready for it”? i dunno

and i’ve expressed all of this and just nothing. nobody gives a shit.

and so like okay, fine fair enough you know i’d been feeling anyway like i’m really ready to just...have my own place. again, i appreciate getting to stay here and genuinely have no fucking idea how i’d afford to live on my own but i’m starting to think i just need to bite the bullet and either get a second job or see about some other potential ways to make money

the only thing about that is...there’s a big part of me that’s like, “what’s the point? how long do you think you’ll get to even have your own life anyway?”

because again like...my dad’s old. his health, although not as bad as it has been in the past couple of years is still not going to do a miraculous turn around and like...especially if his mind is starting to go what are my options, realistically?

i go off and start my own life and will just have to give it up to come back here to help take care of him

and i know you’re probably thinking, “well no, you don’t have to do that,” but don’t i?

i’m just going to make my mom deal with that all by herself? there’s no other kids but me who will help. other family might but it’s not really fair to put that on them either and on top of that because we really hit the jackpot with relatives i can’t even begin to tell you how many vultures are going to come out of the woodworks when they get even a hint that things are going bad (hell, that already started when he was going through cancer treatments during this pandemic no less and family were messaging him wanting to know if they could come and visit like...absolutely not, what the fuck are you thinking??)

and i love my mom but she doesn’t take the greatest care of herself and i don’t really want to get into it but she’s definitely started to worry me with her drinking lately.

i feel like i can’t leave here. i feel like everything will fall apart if i do and that when shit really does hit the fan i need to be here so...why bother to leave?

i want to, but can i?

i don’t feel like my life is even mine at this point 

they’re not bad people, i can’t justify doing my own thing and telling them to kick rocks, especially after all they’ve done for me but at the same time i just don’t want to be stuck here forever

i just feel really, really trapped

and i know when people say that everyone gets nervous because uh-oh, that’s suicide talk!! but that’s the fucked thing too is that’s part of what feels especially suffocating

that’s not an option for me. not unless i want to hurt them as badly as possible and i don’t.

and you’d think it’s be maybe a relief to not have that as an option anymore, that oughta steer things in a more positive direction just naturally but instead it just kind of feels like someone’s trapped me in a room that’s slowly filling with water and there are no exit doors or vents or any possible means of escape so i just have to either sit here and slowly wait to drown or do what feels impossible and find some way to make all the water leave and build a better room

and obviously i should be talking about all of this with y’know, an actual therapist but that’s still proving really difficult at the moment

i made a new list of potential ones i just haven’t been able to reach out to any just yet and it definitely doesn’t help that every time i start to gear up to do it it seems like i get online and see a bunch of posts that are like, “honestly, therapy is a scam and not at all worth it and you’re stupid if you think it actually helps anyone, it’s likely to just traumatize you more and you can never trust a therapist!!” and i’m just like oh, okay then

because that’s the thing of it too like i need to talk to somebody, right? but clearly the shit i need to talk about is heavy and despite my trapped predicament like...i need to talk about these dark thoughts but is that going to get me hospitalized? is that going to fuck up my life even more?

and on top that, yeah dude, already having trust issues and being damn near incapable of letting new people into my life at all already doesn’t bode well in trying to find a person i can talk to about with all of this shit but i love the constant reminder that even getting to that point is likely going to be painful and could possibly just make shit that much worse!!!

i also just can’t stop thinking about the one therapist i did reach out to and that interaction alone has made me feel shitty enough. initially i tried to just take it in stride and figured it just wasn’t a good fit but now i’m convinced that’s how it’s going to go when i reach out to anyone else.

i’ll be made to feel like i’m stupid for needing someone to talk to because according to her “my clients have friends if they just want someone to talk to, y’know?” hahahaha no, i don’t but sure, go on!

like ma’am, no disrespect, i’m sure your methods work for someone, somewhere but i don’t think getting more sleep and walking more is going to fix the problem and on that subject...i don’t have friends

i have a friend and that’s about it

when i say i have trouble letting people into my life i really mean it

and yeah, maybe i’m just being a big baby about it all and i just need to like...try to make that happen anyway but i’m also at this point where it’s like...how?

actually how?

at my age?? finding friends??

on top of that just...i’ve been through my share of toxic friendships and although i’d like to think i’ve learned a lot since then and would hopefully never find myself in any again you never really know until you get into it, right? and just the thought of it, of putting myself out there, opening up, being vulnerable and just...letting people into my life only to possibly go through more shit it just sounds exhausting and terrifying.

i know it’s what i need to do, i know i can’t just close myself off from the world and essentially cease to exist while still being here but it just feels so fucking overwhelming and then on top of that like i said before, is there even a point?

because it kind of seems like i’m going to be needed here indefinitely and so is that just my life then? i’m just a loser who never leaves her hometown, never moves out, never has a life of her own or expands her circle to include more people because she just has to stay here and watch over things and take care of everyone and all the added responsibilities they keep bringing into this house without even running it by me first?

it feels like it and maybe it doesn’t have to be but it feels like it

and it just feels really, really suffocating 

and hopeless

and maybe it’s not really, maybe i’m missing something here but i feel like i can see down the road for many, many miles and it doesn’t look promising

and i feel selfish and horrible for even saying all of this because it sounds like i’m just pissed off i have to take care of things and it’s really not that

i genuinely don’t mind helping out and maintaining a space and i don’t even really mind cleaning all that much, it can be a good stress relief i’ve found but it’s just this overwhelming feeling i have of like...this is my life. this is all it’s ever going to be.

i’m going to sit here and watch everyone else go on and live their lives, have lots of friends and romance and really just experience life and i’m just going to be sitting here left in the dust at home chasing after pets and trying to keep everything from falling apart until the bottom does inevitably fall out so i can be here to pick up the pieces just like i did last time

and i mean if that’s the case then i’ll make peace with it, i just wish it could be different i guess. if nothing else, i wish i didn’t have this urge to change things or to have a different life because it just doesn’t feel possible right now. feels very much like if i step away even for a second that everything’s going to go wrong and i’ll be partially to blame because if i had been here maybe things would be different

then again, the last time something tragic happened and i lost someone i loved very much i was here and it didn’t make a damn difference so maybe my presence isn’t as important as i think but i guess that’s part of it too like...that happened on my watch and if something else bad happens when i’m not here... i’m barely living with the first shit, i don’t know if i could handle the second

idk. this is really stupid i think but it’s been in my head for a while now and with this new dog thing i’m just kind of at my breaking point with it so here you go, void.

hopefully i’ll be able to talk myself into getting a therapist anyway even though i’m scared to death because i know i shouldn’t be putting this here but right now i just feel incredibly stuck and i’m not sure what to do or where to go

[vtforpedro]

LONG POST, medical update. ptsd, suicide TW: I’m really tired. I feel like I’ve been saying that for a year but I am exhausted. mind, body and soul exhausted my head got better after I lost the water weight my chemo pill was packing on (I was 15lbs lighter than the three weeks previously. so it was pretty bad lol) but now it’s getting bad again. it never gets to the point of relief, but it gets manageable and now it’s becoming unmanageable again. it’s not water weight but it might be cause I’ve put on a couple pounds over the holidays (just barely a couple pounds, I’m eating much lighter in general) anyway I don’t see the point of being scared to name what it is my neurosurgeon and I believe this is anymore. my psychiatrist thinks it makes sense, my pcp, even the ER doctor I saw on dec. 2nd lol but I am 99.9% sure this is what I have and it does makes sense but every fucking time I think about it for a while it makes me so angry. so so so angry y’all. I wish I could sit every single medical professional I interacted with over the last year or so who didn’t believe me and tell them it’s all been real, they failed me to such a degree I have ptsd and anger problems that I’m going to need therapy for, and tell them to learn how to be better providers. blegh so I saw my neurosurgeon (one of the best in the country) for the first time in april. his thoughts? anxiety with muscle tension in my back and neck that led to tension in my head. as in the muscles around my bones, not inside of my skull. didn’t listen to me or believe me, thought all my crazy symptoms were just anxiety and possibly the chiari malformation but there’s no treatment for that beyond surgery and mine is so mild no one wants to go that route (me most of all lmao) I put off seeing him again because I saw different neurologists and my PCP over the months who basically all said the same thing. like my PCP believed me and gave me referrals to the neuros, but one told me to ‘stop worrying about this and just enjoy life’ and the other sat with me for an hour, the first half of which she was all on board the ‘anxiety is fucking with you, none of this is real’ train until I had to tell her to LISTEN TO MY SYMPTOMS firmly enough that she did. she went the opposite way then and said yeah ok something ‘mechanical’ is happening, you need to go back to a neurosurgeon. turned out she loves the neurosurgeon I saw in april (worship the ground he walks on, were her words) but told me maybe I still needed a second opinion. she did also mention that I’ve been living with this for so long that I’m ‘married to it now’ which still implies I’m making it worse than it actually is but :) whatever, she couldn’t think of what it could be decided to just go back to that neurosurgeon and tell him the physical therapy he prescribed in april I had to stop because it made things worse. his PA tried to prescribe me more PT on the phone before I firmly told her I needed to SPEAK with him face to face because my quality of life is gone, because I get close to killing myself weekly because of how bad this is and nothing has improved since april. only gotten worse. so I had my appt with him in late October I think? I explained all of my symptoms (again) and told him how nothing has changed, things have gotten worse, when I do x y z I have an episode, etc etc. he said he still doesn’t think it’s the chiari but he said it *might* be IIH idiopathic intracranial hypertension first time I’ve ever heard of it and even though it was over 11 months into this, it might just save my life now that I have idiopathic = we don’t fucking know why this happens, intracranial = HAPPENING IN MY SKULL AND BRAIN, hypertension = technically high blood pressure, but for here just high pressure cause my BP is good it is rare, it is unknown why people get it and why others don’t, it is most common in women of child bearing age who are obese. the thought is that the weight on the body causes the brain to very slightly inflate, decreasing spinal fluid flow and increasing pressure in the brain, sometimes CAUSING a chiari malformation to appear, which can cause other symptoms on top of IIH it used to be called pseudotumor cerebri because IIH makes the brain behave like it has a tumor while no tumor is actually present (which means normal MRI/CT scans and the main reason everyone told me I was faking it) I gained 80lbs in less than two years due to severe depression and ptsd. I’ve been at the same weight for almost two years now and was at that weight in Feb 2019 before things started happening in Dec 2019. sometimes it does just come on one day. it can be chronic, it can randomly go into remission and come back, and they have no idea why it even happens. it’s rare enough that no neurologist I saw could even think of it. rare enough that one of the best neurosurgeons in the country didn’t think of it until he decided he believed me lol he leans even more heavily into this because I gained weight so quickly (one of the hallmarks of getting IIH) and I had not a single symptom like it before the weight gain I don’t trust anything or anyone right now and I am extremely pessimistic and have no hope. but the one thing that’s given me a little hope, that’s made me believe this is what I have, is the fucking wikipedia page on IIH. it lists one specific symptom that I’ve seen nowhere else (and is EXTREMELY specific lmao) that I have and that everyone thought I was crazy explaining. beyond destroying your quality of life, the one thing IIH can do is cause permanent blindness. I’ve had a fuck ton of problems with my vision since this all started happening. one of the worst is that if I’m in the middle of an episode and I look up or to the left, it makes it h u r t and makes the episode worse. which is on the wikipedia page! which explains why I couldn’t fucking do EMDR therapy which involves rapid eye movement from side to side :) :) :) even my therapist was thinking this was all in my head and I was just letting my anxiety tell me EMDR would send my head into an episode instead of it actually happening lmaaaao god I am so angry y’all my mom and my uncle The Doctor wanted to commit me in March/April. I had an entire ER nurses station mock me for ten minutes for coming in repeatedly and having bizarre symptoms that, because they were unexplained, they thought I was faking. they belittled me when talking to me. one put the tv remote (no tv in the room) instead of the call button in my hand when I was too out of it to notice. the ER doctor that day told me I was making up a story, none of this was real, and to continue seeing my psychiatrist. I went home that day, told my mom I was fine for her to go back to work (she was angry with me and wanted me to go to a psychiatric hospital), took a shower and planned on swallowing a bottle of pills. I was in agony, utter agony, every single day multiple times a day I thought I was going to die, and it was being made clear to me that no one, not even my mom, believed me. I told my best friend and she talked me out of it, but I came very close and I will forever be heartbroken and angry beyond belief about this (my mom came around not long after this after seeing that this wasn’t going away and has thoroughly apologized for wanting to commit me. she has been helping me every single day since this started even tho she thought it was anxiety. I’m angry but I don’t hold it against her, not after the incredible sacrifices she’s made for me for a year) so yeah. every bizarre symptom, every agonizing thing I go through, the weird discomfort, pain and burning, vision problems, etc etc, all explained by IIH. the very specific ‘looking in a certain direction makes it worse’ has been there since day one. it’s because pressure has increased on the nerve behind my eyes so looking in a certain way aggravates the affected nerve further gaining all that water weight and having my head get so so so severe, enough to send me to the ER again, made me also think this was a real possibility and the ER doc agreed that the fluid retention was making pressure in my brain even more severe and it did ease quite a lot once that was all gone, another reason I believe this is IIH if you read up on IIH or read stories by people with it, it is life altering, debilitating, and agonizing to live with. most people will also have the same story of doctors not believing them and saying it was anxiety before getting this diagnosis the good thing? there’s a cure and while some people may need additional help later on, it works for most people. and it is, very simply, losing weight. 10-20% of body weight (some places say relief can start at just 3%) seems to completely cure it for most people because the brain is no longer inflated and because of that, any chiari malformation (cerebral tonsils sitting in the spinal cord opening) will actually go away, because it makes room in the skull for the tonsils to go back to their normal place I have some trouble knowing that I am partially at fault for gaining weight like I did, but my mom keeps telling me it’s so rare and how could I have possibly known and it was after severe trauma so. trying to deal with that too lol but yeah! weight loss journey. my chemo pill, if you read my last update, completely fucked me up for a while (including the fuckin weight gain despite a low calorie, low fat diet since like nov 1st) so it’s made it hard to lose weight. but now that I’m off of that pill, I’m down 7lbs and I will continue to lose. I have never been more motivated in my life to lose weight lmao and I’ve successfully done it before! I can’t exercise but my neurosurgeon said as the weight comes off and my symptoms start getting better, I will probably be able to incorporate more movement in my life. I can’t even walk around my apt for too long right now cause it builds pressure in my brain. it fucking sucks because this is something they don’t understand, it’s really only diagnosed if everything else has been ruled out (and with a lumbar puncture, but I am too fucking traumatized to have that done. but if I showed high pressure with no reason for it, it would be an ‘official’ IIH diagnosis). but I’m choosing not to do the LP because if I start to have my symptoms relieved as I lose weight, it’s pretty obvious that’s what this has been from the start my brain thinks it has a brain tumor and is going absolutely batshit insane and no matter how much I tried to get people to believe me, it took 11 months to get there. I will carry this with me for the rest of my life and once covid eases, I’m finding a good trauma therapist and working through this if my symptoms DON’T ease, we’ll talk brain surgery. but I think this is what I have and I think I’ll be okay when I lose enough weight (and I’ll feel better all around lol) anyway I’ve had an extremely bad couple of months and I wanted to get this off my chest, sorry it’s so long. if you can please, please, please cross your fingers for me and wish me luck that this is what it is and that over the next handful of months I lose the weight and get my life back, I will appreciate it more than I can say I’m going to thank all of you ahead of time because I lack spoons to reply right now and I also want to thank you all for your support over this last year and never doubting me. for always offering me words of encouragement and for being angry on my behalf. thank you thank you thank you I love you all <3

[lostmoonbunny]

Greetings from a Panini World

Yes, I did call this a "panini". I'm hesitant to use the word "pandemic" as I feel many of us have a knee jerk reaction to hide from everything once hearing or seeing that word. However that's the current stat of events. The year? 2021 Where I am located its very much so post quarantine and society has attempted to "return to normal" but its impossible. Between the anti- maskers, anti-vaxxers, and everything else it truly is impossible. "What do you mean?" you ask, well allow me to take you on a journey of a human that has gone through this "history in the making" and share what its been like since January 2020 to September 2021 from the eyes of someone that lived it. -I will preface this with saying, there will be gaps, I have trouble with object permanence, concept of time, and I have memory issues due to past concussions so bear with me as we stumble through the memories of my experiences.

So here we go... Let's travel back to January 2020.

2020..Ahhh the big year of "Clear vision".. HA! No, not today. What I remember was being concerned about this horrible virus but didn't think it would make its way to where I lived.. ( I would be unsurprisingly corrected shortly after this.) I worked, had my birthday, and it was quickly February. The virus was quickly spreading and making its way downtown walking fast faces past.. oops..sorry I got sidetracked, it was making its way down throughout the nation. We celebrated my partner's birthday, and soon after the month was over. February always flies by. March...ahh March, this is where everything started changing for me. Many states were shutting down around us fairly quickly too. ( I have opinions about how the US should've shut down sooner, but we're not here for politics...but yes it should've happened sooner.) My partner, younger brother and I made a last minute trip to the next state for a day trip. Which was fun don't get me wrong but the places we went to shut down for the state's quarantine the next day. My state would follow barely a week later. I was furloughed. That..that was an experience. All of us received the same message as it was a group message. It stated that we were all effectively unemployed ( so we could apply for benefits if we chose to) and that if and when we reopen that they hoped we could come back. I immediately messaged my boss and the boss that messaged us all and double checked learning that I was on the "short list" for rehires. That made me fee a bit better but I was still sad. My partner was considered "an Essential worker" so they worked through the entire lockdown. I swear Animal Crossing New Horizons is one of the only things that got me through that.. from this all the days blended together till June. Not don't get me wrong, plenty of things happened on a personal growth side that was beneficial like I started going to therapy, got even closer to my cousin that lives on the west coast, I played with my cats and dogs more, I caught up on sleep, all sorts of things but the way it had to happen sucked. Also in this time period, my favorite uncle contracts the virus and is put in the ICU on a ventilator. I don't remember how long he was in there but he made it. He is now healthy and survived the virus. So lets fast forward to June. My place of work reopened under specific guidelines. Now I don't know if I've ever mentioned this but I live in the southeast. The southeast, in summer is AWFUL. Its hot, its humid, and then if it DOES rain that humidity just goes up and it gets worse. To give you an idea while the temperature might say its 84 degrees F but the real feel might be 95F. I don't know why they don't just say 95F but that's how it is the southeast... So imagine if you will mid June, being reopened with special rules, masks required for everyone 5 years old and older, and no buildings but restrooms open to the public. The amount of rude, hateful, uncaring people almost made me lose my complete faith in humanity, and its not very high to begin with. Also for context, I work in retail. I feel that says enough there. These rules extend till the end of the year and into part of 2021. While all of this is happening the US is having their presidential elections and everyone has crawled out of the woodwork that you had hoped would stay there. At this point I'm hoping for the best because we really need a paradigm shift in society. We need to truly need to change as a society and in many way, catch up to the rest of the world. I finally gave in a got to tiktok and realize that it is very much a time devourer. I've realized that I feel as if the term "Cassflux" fits how I feel about my gender best, and fully accepted my journey on the path of being a witch.

Lets move in to October, October I ( and my partner) travel to Texas (cautiously) for my cousin's socially distant wedding and our anniversary. That was amazing and the slight escape from reality was truly needed. On our way back we made a stop in NOLA and it was a fun visit, but I realized my baby witch self hadn't veiled or warded myself nearly enough and it got all of "spidey senses" all out of wack. knowing now what I should've done, I do want to go back. The rest of the year went by both incredibly slow and yet in a flash. The US elected a new president, I was working as hard a possible to avoid the virus as much as possible and my partner had gotten a new job with a different company that was making them more happy. So this brings us to 2021. This is the year that I feel that I am truly coming into my own despite living in the middle of a global Panda Express. January brings my turning a landmark age and celebrating it with a new hair style, new outlook on life, progress made in therapy, more self acceptance, and just overall more happiness. The world is still the same, better, but also worse. The vaccine is being produced, distributed, and made accessible. February brings another birthday with my partner's birthday. March rolls around and we jokingly celebrate our work's closing a year prior and then continue to work. The vaccine is made available to retail and food workers so I go and get the first round of the "Dolly Parton" vaccine with my co workers. (If you were wondering its Moderna) We go and receive the second dose later at the correct time. April and May kind of blend together for me because that the ramp up for the busy season at work. June & July are busy but everything is moving forwards. I finally take a step more into the current era of technology and upgrade my phone and computer. ( After several years of going back and forth of not wanting current gen tech or not, because that stuff be expensive!) I reconnect with an old friend and we have a much healthier friendship.

August....hecking August.. We are short staffed at work, busy as heck! My partner is also hecking busy by being called in for almost every problem. The world is deffo changing. The US is in a state of nah nah a boo boo with vaccinating vs not, virus outbreaks having an uptick, universities starting back, Texas deciding that the government gets a say in a woman's reproductive rights... sorry I'll try to not get political. My ( like many others) using tiktok as a means of escape from this reality.. I'm so beyond mentally exhausted by everything that I just want to be somewhere that I can breathe a bit more easy... Its deffo not the southeastern US. September: I. am. exhausted. Working a bunch. Dealing with people doubting the virus, the usual Karens and Richards, counting down my days to vacation. My partner is beyond exhaustion. They've worked more in the past six weeks that they have in two years. The 20th year of 9/11 comes and goes. Not to sound like a country song, but remembering where I was at the moment the planes hit is something that has stuck with me...despite my concussions. I was in my English class and its was between classes and they had the tvs on. So many parents were coming and calling their kids out the school got to the point they weren't going to let kids leave.. ( if the parents complained enough they did.. I was a poorer kid in a more affluent school) My parents weren't going to take me out of school so I finished the day out in a state of confusion, not understanding the gravitas of what was going on, and not understanding was the emotions I was feeling watching the crashes were. I don't claim to even comprehend the emotions of this date to people who lost loved ones in the crashes, or in the oncoming days of the country going to war, I just know how it felt as a child to see something so major happening. I feel its like the kids now living through this panic at the disco. [[If you read this and you lost someone due to either of these horrific events please know that I in no way am invalidating or belittling your feelings or experiences. I merely am trying to describe all of how I feel throughout 2020- roughly current day 2021 and these are the things I was thinking and feeling on this particular day.]]

The days start to blend again as I attempt to countdown the days till my short vacation. Once that starts I get to finally relax as does my partner. The amount of sleep my partner has gotten is incredible and they deserve it dang it! This brings us to today, The last day of September 2021. This are changing at work and I'm not wholly sure of how I feel but I know it will be an interesting discussion for me to have with my therapist coming up. That's all I've got for now.. Hopefully I'll pop back in sooner to give more perspective on what its like living through all of this chaos. Just keep moving forward.

[positivelly-pessimisticc]

chapter one of my story ! i’m nervous n extremely self-conscious, but tell me if you like it pleasee. i’d appreciate the feedback <3

It's kind of funny how badly humans ache to be loved. It's as if we're born craving affection. Like it's our mission in life to find somebody that completes us. We long for someone to spend our time with, even if that time is short. But with love comes heartbreak and disappointment, and no one is immune to the anguish abandonment causes. Once you open the door to loving someone other than yourself, there's no going back. I only wish I'd known what lay ahead before I walked through that door.  "Hey! How's my favorite stick in the mud?" I felt a punch on my shoulder and jumped, my pen straying from its initial position on my paper, creating an unwanted line across the page.  "Be careful, Dannie! " I sighed as I tore out the page and turned to the next. I've known Dannie since middle school, and she's my best friend. Ever since the 6th grade, we've never left each other's side. "It's nice to see you too, dimwit." Dannie chuckled as she placed herself beside me on the curb. "What're you writing about anyway?" I closed my notebook a little quicker than I should have and placed it under my thigh.  "Oh, nothing, just a to-do list. Gotta run some errands for my mom." I smiled, trying my best to look like I believed what I was saying.  "Right." Dannie squinted her eyes at me but brushed it off anyway. "Well, why weren't you at school today?" I looked down at my polar ice converse, avoiding her eyes. I could feel her staring at me in that way she always did when she was super serious about something.  "I just needed a day off, that's all." I pushed my glasses up, still staring down at my feet. "You sure? You doing alright?" Dannie leaned slightly forward, trying to get my attention, and smiled. "You can always talk to me, you know." I turned towards her and gave her a quick smile.  "What're you, my therapist?" I laughed and got up, shoving my notebook in my back pocket.  "Stubborn ass." Dannie laughed as she chased after me, her curly highlights blowing against the wind. "Seriously, though, I'm here if you need me," she said, showing off her perfect smile.  "I know, dumbass," I replied, punching her in the arm to get back at her for earlier. "Ah, there he is!" she laughed. "Now let's go," she said as she grabbed my hand, "we're skipping your imaginary errands."                                                                            --- The weather had worsened significantly since the afternoon, and the wind was more powerful than I'd ever experienced in my small town. I closed the gate in my front yard and retrieved my backpack from its hiding place in the bush of purple sage on the side of the house. I stopped at the front door and took a deep breath. "I am not looking forward to this," I thought to myself as I unlocked the door and pushed it open. My mom wasn’t necessarily the most easygoing person, and every encounter with her left me feeling exhausted. I stepped inside quietly and looked around, checking to see if anyone was home. Deciding the coast was clear, I sped to my room and locked my door.  "Samantha? Are you home?" I heard my mom yell from the kitchen. 'Ugh, I hate it when she calls me that.' I threw my backpack down on the floor, unzipping it as fast as I could. I grabbed some school books and jumped onto my bed and opened a few of them as if I'd been studying. I flipped through my algebra book to page 185 and started skimming through the lesson.                                                                                              Simplifying Radical Expressions  "This is pointless," I mumbled, shaking my head as I turned the page. In doing so, a small piece of folded paper fell from in between the pages. I blinked and picked it up, confused at first. What is this doing here? I hesitated but unfolded the note.                                    To Sam,                                    Standing Next To You Makes Me Feel As High As Everest  I flipped the note over and scanned its area for a name or a clue of some sort to help me figure out who left it here, but there was nothing. They used a quote from one of my favorite movies: All the Bright Places. It made me wonder: Do I know the person who sent it? Does someone out there actually like me? How did they manage to get it in my algebra book? Just then, my door slammed open, and I jumped.  "Why didn't you answer me when I called you?!" my mom huffed, a tone already forming in her voice.  "Looks like the lock on my door is broke again," I stated, ignoring her question and pretending to be focusing on my algebra lesson.  "Samantha." my mom said sternly, almost as a warning. "It's Sam, Mom. Sam," I glared. That's about the hundredth time I'd repeated myself to her that week.  "Sam," she said, adding emphasis to my name. I could feel her eyes burning a hole in the side of my head.  "Yes?" I replied, mimicking her tone of voice. "Where were you today?" Her question caught me off guard. Why was she asking me that? Did she see something? Did the school call? "You know where I was," I answered, playing it safe. It's better to leave out the whole truth rather than to straight-up lie.  "Do I? Because I thought you were at school." She had her face pinched and her arms crossed, hinting at what was coming. My heart started racing, and my hands began sweating. Maybe the school did call her. "I- I was just at the library all day," I stammered, "I have an important project due this week."   My mom stared at me as though she was trying to study my facial expressions for any hint that I might be lying. "If you're lying to me, Sam, I'll find out," she warned. She gave me one last hard stare before she turned around and left, leaving my door slightly ajar. She always said that. But it usually turned out to be true.                                                                                                                                                                         --- The rest of the week, I attended school, all the while keeping a lookout for anyone I might suspect to be my admirer. But I made it to Friday without a clue. I hadn't realized until then that I didn't associate with many people other than Dannie. How was I ever supposed to figure it out?  After my last class, I collected my books from my desk, slung my backpack over my shoulder, and made my way down the hall to find Dannie. Whispers echoing in the hall seemed to bounce off the walls and grow louder, but I kept my eyes glued to the steady motion of my feet. Walking through the school building was always the same for me. I was the weird girl. Or wait. The weird guy? I wasn't normal. So I became 'it'.  Comments like, "There 'it' goes" and "Gross, look what 'it's' wearing today." made my chest feel heavy and dampened my already low self-esteem. Dannie always told me to brush it off and would say things that friends are required to say.  "They're just jealous" or "I love you just the way you are." I tried my best to do what she told me, but no matter how many times I told myself positive things, those negative comments came rushing back into my mind. I couldn't help but feel unworthy and meaningless.  "Hey, loser, nice tights. Sure you're not a girl?" A girl in a mini skirt laughed, flipping her hair behind her head. I quickened my pace as I passed Delphia Winters and her group of wannabes. I'm sure you know which category they fall under. She and her friends were always picking on people like me because I wasn't the only teenager that used different pronouns. After all, it is the 21st century. If I were braver, I'd have stood up to her for all of us, but I continued walking towards Dannie's locker instead. When I finally made it, Dannie wasn't there. "That's weird," I thought, "She always waits for me." I plodded outside of school, and sat myself down on the black, metal bench placed next to the flag pole. Opening my backpack, I removed my notebook and placed it on my lap, along with my favorite black pen. I traced my fingers over the black lettering on the front, and looked down at the fishnet leggings I had chosen to wear that day. They were ripped and tattered from old age, and I figured I probably shouldn't wear them again. Letting go of things had always been hard for me. My older sister had bought them for me right before the accident, so I wasn't quite ready to give them up.  "Fuck them," I thought to myself, "they don't know me, and I never asked for their opinion." I opened up the front cover of my notebook, feeling more sure of myself than earlier. Then I saw something flutter to the ground, and lay itself in the dying grass underneath the bench. I leaned down to pick it up, and it seemed to be another note. It had been days since I'd gotten the first one, so I unfolded it impatiently to reveal what was written inside. To Sam,  I Don't Feel So Lonely When You're Around   I held the note for a while, just staring at it; analyzing it. Who was writing these? I really wanted to know. To think there was someone out there who didn't hate me, and had a crush on me seemed wrong. But I liked it. And in a way, I liked the mystery.  As I walked home, I thought of all the people in my algebra class. Could it be any of them? I found the first note in my algebra book, after all. I laughed and decided I’d figure it out later. I couldn’t stop thinking about it though. It seemed as though I floated home, smiling all the way. It had been a while since I smiled and meant it, and for the first time in a long time, I had a reason.  

[saybees]

Some rather personal and tmi stuff, but I feel like I need to get it out somewhere and I don’t have anyone I really feel I can talk to about this now. It’s very long.

I’d like to start by saying that if you’re reading this please don’t tell me to just dump him. It isn’t that simple and it just isn’t helpful to say that to me.

So Jon and I have had issues in the past with porn. Jon has a porn addiction. I didn’t discover this until maybe a year into our relationship when I walked into the bathroom one day and he was watching porn and masturbating. At first I was more shocked than anything and didn’t know how to react, but it quickly turned into feeling really hurt.

I tried to talk to him about it and told him that it bothered me that he was doing that and it made me feel like I wasn’t good enough and our sex was too boring for him. It made me feel so inadequate that he had to go somewhere else for that stuff. He didn’t see the issue with it and because porn has become so normalized in our society and he has maintained that he doesn’t understand why it’s an issue for me, despite that I have explained to him many times that it really bothers me and makes me feel shitty. It feels like cheating.

Eventually I asked him to leave the bathroom door open when he goes in there because I didn’t really trust him. That didn’t stop him, however, and he continued to masturbate to porn in the bathroom even though the door was cracked open. I caught him and was really upset. It hasn’t happened again since I caught him with the door open.

I can’t even count how many times we have had this conversation/argument. It just hurts a lot and I really am so tired of having this talk with him. I asked my therapist that I used to see if I was being unreasonable and she said I wasn’t. She fully agreed with me that I wasn’t asking too much of him to stop doing it.

He doesn’t do it at home anymore, but I’m pretty sure he does when he’s at work. He’ll take a washroom break and very likely will do it then because he accidentally let it slip recently that he still masturbates. He tried very hard to redirect and I pretended I didn’t notice, but it’s been eating at me.

It wouldn’t bother me so much if he didn’t have a porn problem. I just feel like he doesn’t find me attractive or sexy. We don’t have sex very often at all and I pretty much always have to initiate it, which reinforces those feelings that I’m not what he wants. I don’t feel sexy enough or pretty enough and I’ve always had issues with feeling like I have an ugly face so this really makes it worse.

He used to follow lots of Instagram models, but has since unfollowed a lot of them, although there are still two at least that I’m pretty sure are Instagram models. Their accounts are private and I’m not going to follow them to find out what’s up. I’ll only hurt my own feelings even more than I did just going through the list of people he follows on Instagram.

I know I should talk to him about it again, but I am just so sick of having this conversation with him. Neither of us want to talk about it. He doesn’t want to because he feels guilty about it (obviously, since he has been hiding it) and I don’t want to talk about it anymore because the whole thing just makes me feel so terrible.

There was one incident where Jon had downloaded Tinder behind my back and he was showing me something on his phone when a notification popped up and it turned into me feeling like he was cheating and I cried and then he cried and it was a whole thing. He deleted it and hasn’t done anything like that since, but he didn’t include on his profile that he was in a relationship and wouldn’t give me an explanation as to why and he just wouldn’t say much other than that he wanted to make friends and talk to people, but it was just horrible and traumatic for me and for some reason I let him convince me that he was genuine and I stayed, although I really question that decision sometimes because it still deeply bothers me and I’m not entirely convinced he wouldn’t cheat on me after that. I just have a very hard time trusting him after the Tinder thing and the porn stuff. And I just feel like we didn’t really get to the bottom of that whole issue, but it feels like it was too long ago to talk about it again despite that it still bothers me.

I know we have to talk about it more, but I just don’t want to fucking do this anymore. I’m exhausted.

We might be moving to a different place in town here at some point and if he does end up buying another house I’m going to have to talk to him about this and if he isn’t willing to give up porn completely then I won’t be moving with him and I’ll stay in our current rental and we will be done because I know I will not be happy being with him for the rest of our lives if he can’t quit porn and I’ll always have to worry about it.

I did some googling and found countless articles of women (and others) saying they felt shitty that their men/partners watched porn behind their backs. So many other people who feel the same as I do and have been damaged by this kind of thing. It’s good to know I’m not alone in this, but it’s so terrible that so many people feel like this. It hurts a lot.

I’ve done some light research on the negative effects of porn and it really does seem to be very harmful, particularly for relationships. And I know he has been watching porn since he was very young, he’s talked to me about it before. I do truly believe porn is incredibly harmful and it is FAR too easy to get access to it. I feel like porn has hurt our relationship and our sex life a lot.

For our anniversary one year I even did a boudoir shoot by myself at home and made him a little book with sexy photos of me and gave it to him and he said he loved it, but he hasn’t looked at it since I gave it to him. That’s a real punch to the gut.

There was one other incident where our one friend, a lesbian, sent him and a few others a snapchat video of her making out with another girl that he used to hang out with when they were younger and they weren’t wearing tops (this girl is wild and does all kinds of stupid shit when she drinks, which is all the time) and he saved it for later. I found out because she had called him crying because someone she sent it to recorded it and sent it around to other people and everybody found out about it and this other girl had a boyfriend, but anyway he told me what was going on and he went to pull it up to show me, but she had deleted it and he told me he had saved it. I asked why and at first he lied and said he saved it so she could see it later and maybe think about what she had done, but I saw through that pretty quick. Eventually he admitted to me that he had fantasized about a threesome with those two girls and that’s why he saved it. This was not too long ago. Like late 2020. I was mad and needed some time to think and told him we would talk about it, but eventually I just told him that I didn’t want to have this discussion again (which I shouldn’t have done because I let him off the hook basically) and that if he felt like he needed to hide something from me that should be enough to know he shouldn’t be doing it in the first place. With that he said okay and we never talked about it again.

I just feel like I’m putting a lot into this relationship and he isn’t being considerate of me here. He makes excuses as to why he feels like he has to get off all the time and that it helps him wake up in the mornings or that he functions better once he’s done it (untrue, he functions the same no matter what) and it drives me up a wall that he will choose that over having sex with me?????? Like, hi hello I am a human woman(adjacent) and I am willing to have sex with you literally whenever you want!!!!!! And you’ll still choose watching porn and jerking off instead??????????????????????! Yeah, I totally feel like you want me. I totally feel loved and feel like you find me attractive. Yep. You watch porn of women who are a million times more beautiful and sexy than I will ever be and they do things I could never do or just don’t want to do and you’ll choose that over ME and tell me that you do think I’m attractive and sexy and that you love me, but you hardly actually prove that to me.

He doesn’t call me pretty unless I basically ask him to, which sucks because if I ask for the compliment it doesn’t feel real, but if I don’t ask I’ll never hear it. He is quite affectionate with me generally, cuddling up and stuff, holding my hand sometimes when driving, that type of stuff, but I almost never hear him, unprompted, tell me I’m pretty.

I don’t know, it just really bothers me and of course I have to be feeling like this right in the morning when I have a ton of school work I should do. I just feel really sad now. I don’t know how to handle this anymore. I don’t know who to go to for advice. My best buddy Ryan is having kinda the same issue with his girlfriend, but they both watch porn (they don’t live together like Jon and I do) and she has been feeling insecure about Ryan’s porn habits, but she also watches porn and I know they had a talk about it all the other day, but I don’t feel like it’s any of my business to ask how it went or anything because it just straight up isn’t, but Ryan is who I have primarily talked to about this whole thing and he’s been very sympathetic to me about it and idk I just don’t know what to do or who to turn to. The last time I talked to my therapist it was about this whole thing and she basically told me to do my own research and that she didn’t have anything else to say to me about it (because we had talked about it multiple times) and that felt really shitty and like I wasn’t allowed to still be having this issue so I stopped going to her and haven’t seen anyone else since.

I love him a lot, I really do, and we get along really well, usually, but this just hurts a lot and I know I should never have put up with as much as I have. I should have set more boundaries and been firmer with them. It feels so fucking bad that he’s done this time and time again and gone behind my back with this shit and I keep talking to him about it and it keeps happening.

I’ve mostly avoided talking about this here because it feels so personal and gross and like I shouldn’t talk about it (that’s that Christian guilt). I hate that society makes sex and related issues to be such a dirty topic and that we can’t talk about it because I feel really alone and shitty about this. I try to push it down and ignore it, but it’s so hard to do and I’m just really sad...

[luminous-studiess]

Hi, i read your post on studying and mental health and just wondered. ..

I've been struggling a lot with that but seeing a therapist hasn't helped me at all. I feel like i was better of in high school where my answer was just - "well nobody really cares" - so i pulled myself together and moved on. But since i finished highschool (i ranked best) i just needed a break, i guess.

I started studying physics, which ended up terribly and than another year mechanical engineering where i didn't pass because of a 3.9 i stead of a 4 as my general mark. We/I can't afford taking a break from uni because reasons... but i feel like i'm just crawling trough these past few years without getting anywhere.

my familiy has kind of really hurt me and they used to be the only people i needed. trying to get extroverted to meet new people exhausted me and i kind of felt very stupid and it didn't really made me happier... but i feel really alone. Now i keep switching between "i need help", and "the help doesnt bring me anywhere, i must just finally pull myself together if i want this all to ever get better". The biggest problem is I guess- I forgot how to be me? Or maybe who i am and want to be... Did this ever happen to you?

I'm sorry i sent you this long text. I kind of just wondered if you would know any advice on that... but in any way, thank you for having read my messy message and i wish you a good week

hi, friend-- don’t apologize. and sorry for the late reply. i’ve been off(ish) tumblr for school and health reasons, and haven’t been able to answer messages.  first. it really is a common part of life where there will be set periods -- especially when you’re struggling with mental health problems, or have been through difficult things -- that there will be this incredible numbness. it’s something that everyone goes through (in fact, i was going through it just last week and went through some really weird and painful thoughts), and in a way, while it is hard, it is a good opportunity to re-evaluate or even change how you see yourself and what you value. or, alternatively, you can use it to slowly find what you used to love. this process takes time. what i do know is that you can’t really do this alone-- you may need to talk to people you completely trust, to draw some things out or to clear up some thoughts or self-perceptions that you find messy or unhealthy. you don’t have to be an extrovert. you can just ask someone you find kind and caring.  it also helps to slowly and gently guide yourself through things you used to love. this doesn’t have to be anything intense or serious. you can go through old hobbies or old passions or fandoms or games or books you liked when you were younger (full disclosure: this is what ive been doing over the past few months, and it helped!) and. you don’t have to feel the exact same way you used to about them! that’s the magical part. either you may feel some old, deep love, or maybe some distance from things you used to like. now ask yourself: what has happened to me, and what do i value and like now to make me feel differently about this thing i used to like? what does this say about what i’m passionate about now? then write it down. make lists of what you care about or love at the moment-- anything from apple juice to folk music to graphic novels to a new show. go over the journal on days when you feel lost as a reminder from and a conversation with your past and many selves.  i think that’s one trick to knowing who you are, and who you want to be, without examining what you want to do or be (professionally, or what kind of person you’d like to be). i do assure that all that will come back slowly, over time, over several difficult or happy moments. you’re not supposed to have everything figured out at the moment-- but finding things (and people) that bring you joy amidst whatever can happen to you becomes a part of you. i promise you, friend: you’ll find out where you need to be someday. finally: i’m so sorry that you’ve gone through very difficult times and terrible people. you’re really strong to have made it this far. i know you can keep going, and my message box is open if you want someone to talk to. take care always. 

[aliceslantern]

Give/Take, a Kingdom Hearts fanfic, chapter 9

Ienzo has been too busy since the war to be overwhelmed by the past. But with little progress to be made in his work with Kairi, old nightmares start to invade.

Riku is a glorified housesitter. Lonely and faced with no choice but to wait for a way to find his friends, he eagerly accepts when Ienzo asks him to help do repairs around the castle. Before long, the two strike up an unlikely friendship, united by their dark pasts and their attempts to be better people.

But just as they begin to consider something more... Kairi wakes up.

Ienzoku (Ienzo/Riku), post-Melody of Memory, slow burn. Updates Thursdays until it's done.

Chapter summary:  On different worlds, Ienzo and Riku write each other letters.

Read it on FF.net/on AO3

---

Ienzo,

Sorry for the radio silence over the past few days, but things have literally been so insane I haven’t had a minute to myself to write this note. My mom is barely letting me out of her sight--not that I can blame her. She goes between being outraged to dropping everything and hugging me. She wants to know everything, and I’m trying to tell her as much as I can, but still editing the most… incriminating parts until she’s ready. You understand. Even when I was home before we never got into it.

I haven’t even really had time to enjoy being home. I’ve had to see family, friends, and they all want to know where I’ve disappeared to. People all over town, too, want to know what happened and where I went. A lot of people assumed that I’d gotten myself killed.

Including my parents. That was, and still is, the hardest thing I’ve had to accept. Starting to grieve someone and just beginning to make progress only to learn they’re alive… I feel so guilty. Now I wish I’d gone back home during Kairi’s year of sleep, even for a little while.

I’ll tell you more about what happened, but I just wanted to… start to get a status update. “Any news?” How are you? How have you been? What are you and the guys up to?

Write soon,

Riku

Dear Riku,

Thanks for your text. Of course I understand how overwhelming everything must be, and this was an unusual homecoming. I just hope it’s been more joyful than bittersweet, though I fear it’s the latter. I’m hoping this transition becomes less of a traumatic one for you. And even if it is… well. I am an impartial ear.

Correction--a somewhat impartial ear. I will yell at, and/or make fun of, anyone who gives you grief.

Do tell me about Sora and Kairi. Things must be dazzling for Sora especially--I can only imagine what sort of journey he’s gone through, and I’m probably wrong. Hopefully the three of you get to spend some time together, just relaxing and being friends. It’s the least of what you deserve.

I, on the other hand, don’t have much worth reporting. I’m continuing to work with Aeleus and Dilan on the repairs, helping Even with his various little experiments. I’m trying to figure out where I would be most helpful, but that has been somewhat difficult. I’m sure you can sympathize. It’s finally starting to get warm again here.

If I ever quit faffing about and find something worth writing about I’ll let you know…

Yours,

Ienzo

---

Ienzo,

Ha ha. For some reason I don’t believe you’ve been as lazy as you said you’ve been. Though part of me hopes you have. You deserve a little rest too.

On the topic of rest…

Right after I got your letter the puppet strings that have been keeping me awake since I got home snapped. I fell asleep on the living room couch and didn’t wake up for thirty-six hours. Mom was hysterical; she thought something was really wrong with me and took me to the doctor (which, considering how long it’s been since I’ve been home for any length of time, was my pediatrician. Awkward.). But the doctor just said what I told her, that I just needed to sleep . And sleep, and sleep… maybe it’s my turn to sleep for a year. Ha ha.

Yeah, yeah. Spare me your lectures. I’ve been so wired that even when I tried, I couldn’t sleep.

Sora and Kairi are doing as okay as they can. Of the three of us, I think Kairi’s bounced back the quickest. She’s already talking about re-enrolling in school to catch up. Considering she’s the mayor’s daughter, it made the news when she got back. She’s like a celebrity, though because she’s Kairi and she’s perfect, she’s got it under control. I mean that with no sarcasm whatsoever.

Sora…

As you can probably tell by me skirting around the subject, Sora… isn’t completely okay. Physically, he’s fine. Healthy. But it’s… between the Keyblade War, and what he experienced alone while we were all, very briefly, dead (which, remind me to tell you about that if I haven’t, because it is a trip.). He’s been ALONE for so long. I’ve never seen him so shaken, and he’s so quiet . Talk to him and he tries to be all smiles, of course, but a few of us were at the beach and instead of being all up in the middle of it like he usually is, he was sitting aside… alone. Kairi’s been trying to gently pry, but he keeps saying he’s okay. A tired act I think all of us know well by now. Honestly, I’m not sure what to do. What kind of therapist here would get what he’s gone through, anyway? The most we can do is be there, and keep on top of him, and hope he heals and processes over time. Makes me feel like a shitty best friend, but the emotional stuff was never my forte.

Sleepily yours,

Riku

---

My sleepyhead,

Hopefully by the time you get this you’re actually conscious. You had a long ordeal. Physically, emotionally, of course you’re exhausted. I hope you’re actually listening to it instead of pushing through. Been there. Done that. It is not worth it. You’re probably also still growing, believe it or not. The human male keeps growing and developing until twenty-five, and unless my knowledge of Destiny Island’s time stream is way off, you’re not exactly there yet.

I’m glad Kairi is doing well, and taking all of that in stride. If it were me I would’ve thrown in the towel long ago. I think school would be good. A taste of normalcy. You three deserve to get back to your lives… whatever that means. Or at least rest a while before finding greener pastures elsewhere.

It’s disheartening, but not surprising, that Sora feels the way he does. Like I said, I can only imagine what he might have gone through. Though I don’t like it when you say you’re a shitty friend when I watched you struggle to save your friends for a literal year. You’re too hard on  yourself, Riku. Being there, after everything else you did for him, is enough. Make sure to take time for yourself too. Though if Sora’s condition deteriorates, do let me know. I’ll see if I have any sort of psychological resource which might help him more than just a standard therapist with no notion of the greater World outside. Hopefully he’ll start to feel more himself once he settles back down.

This… very brief death occurrence you were referring to intrigues me. What was all that about? Fortunately it seems to not have stuck, but regardless, I felt my heart jump into my throat when I read it.

The others have been asking after you, Ansem especially. He says to “send his regards” and I promise it’s friendlier than it sounds.

I wonder, do you have sea salt ice cream where you are? It’s the height of summer and Scrooge McDuck is out. None of my cohorts here are willing to share. It’s been war.

Craving sea salt,

Ienzo

---

To the insatiable sweet tooth--

No, as a matter of fact, we do not have that particular sea salt ice cream here. If we want it, we have to go off-world. There are other, more native flavors which you might like, like dragon fruit or star fruit. (It’s mostly fruit. Sorry, we’re islanders.)

Sora seems to be doing a little bit better. Roxas, Xion, and them came to visit, which seemed to brighten his spirits, or at least distract him. Sometimes he still stares off into the distance and he’s not quite as chatty. This is going to take a long time.

As for the death thing… well, part of why Sora disappeared was because he went back in time to save us after the dark prophecy was fulfilled and the Demon Tide killed us… apparently. Even I can’t keep it all straight in my head, and it happened to me. He changed the flow of time to save us, and “abusing” the power of waking to save Kairi was the final straw. I… don’t like thinking about it much. It makes me feel sick.

Mundane life feels weird. I do chores around the house, and I mow lawns for some pocket change. Can you imagine it? The magic would make it easy, but it also unsettles people, so I do it with a mower. I had to go to social services to get an ID and we waited in line for two. Hours. I almost went insane. But at least it no longer has the awful picture it did when I started high school.

Speaking of, mom wants me to re-enroll right away, and dad wants me to do night school and speed through a general high school degree. I’m not sure how I feel about it, honestly. Kairi and Sora are excited, and I think it’ll be good for them. Maybe I’ll take a year, or do it online, or something. Though I’m sad to say my computer literacy isn’t nearly as good as yours.

How are you feeling in the castle? It must be summer for you guys there, too, though I imagine there aren’t beaches or anything. I didn’t see any. Do you have any summer activities? Or do you just sit in the library with a moldering old paperback all day?

Gainfully employed,

Riku

---

Dear Riku,

Thank you for satisfying my curiosity about that experience. I knew time travel was a factor in Sora’s disappearance--but I didn’t think it went like that for all of you. Terrifying. Awful.

A fantastic way to start a correspondence.

To answer the question… no, there are no “beaches” in terms of ocean beaches, but when I was a boy Radiant Garden did have springs on the far edges of town, as well as public pools. I was not allowed to go to them much--Even was rather neurotic--but yes, they do exist. Did exist. The restoration committee has it on their very, very long list. The paths down to the springs probably need some maintenance.

That is to say, when not in the lab I am sweating and thinking of cooler days. Though I know this might feel borderline chilly for you. Indifference to temperature is one of the few things on my waning list of what I miss from being a Nobody.

I’m glad you have some way to fill your days… that, and the idea of you working outside appeals to me. I imagine it must bore you.

I don’t spend ALL of my days in the library. Just most of them, lately, as am still trying to get this place even the slightest bit organized. If I had the resources I’d digitize everything. It’d make life so much easier. But I am one person with one computer and there are thousands upon thousands of books here. As a boy I used to have the fantasy of reading all of them before I turned eighteen. But, alas, that has not happened, and some of the texts are too boring, or in another language, or are too fragile to be handled. I clearly had very interesting ideas of leisure.

I still have not been able to get my hands on any decent ice cream.

Unsatisfied,

Ienzo

---

Ienzo,

I wanted to talk about this earlier but I had to get things settled in terms of my room. (Long story. Not a fun story.) Would you ever consider visiting? I could come get you. My parents are okay with it. In fact, they for some reason link you with me coming home, which I guess is true. You did help us get the clue Kairi needed. Either way, you’ve already made a good impression.

(If it’s not clear, I miss you.)

I can take you to a real beach. Show you around, not that there’s a whole lot to see. A change of scenery might be nice. Sora and Kairi want to hang out, too. Sora says hi.

If you’re busy, of course, I can come to you. But I know you’ve been there a long time, and there’s not always good memory there.

No pressure. Let me know.

Riku

---

Riku,

I think you may be on the right track with a change of scenery. I’m afraid what little wit I had left me, and when I was explaining to the others I’d like to visit, it became clear very quickly that our relationship is more than surface level. For that, I’m sorry.

However… the more I think about it, the more appealing it is. Even doing nothing--with you--is better than sitting here doing nothing by myself.

That is to say I miss you too.

I can be ready whenever is most convenient. I’m sorry for making you come all this way, though.

Ienzo

---

Ienzo,

Please, the flight will give me a few hours’ of peace and quiet. It’s been great spending all this time with friends and family, but… I feel kind of suffocated sometimes. Besides, I better keep my piloting skills in tip-top shape. Sora’s mad that I’m better at it than him. What can I say, it’s one of my many natural talents. Along with gardening, apparently.

Bring light clothes; it’s HOT here. And sunscreen. I mean it.

Looking forward to seeing you, and talking to you, in person.

Yours, Riku

[petersmoan]

peter loves to cosplay and decided to seduced tony, wearing a stripper outfit.

That’s a very interesting concept, my pal.

---

The art of dressing as one’s favorite media character or a famous person isn’t something that’s appreciated by everyone equally. Some consider it, as said before, art, some think of it as a children’s thing to do, others as just an unusual hobby.

To Peter, who had a special hand-made costume for every Halloween and had it planned three or four months in advance, cosplaying was a way to express himself, his interests and manual skills. Once in a workshop with his boss, Tony Stark, he could spend more time designing new projects for sale than actual working, making Tony upset, but always shrugging it off, as long as the kid always completed given tasks on time.

“Peter, focus, please” Tony would say every now and then, when Peter instead of helping him, would think of another cosplay idea he had.

Sometimes it was hard to tell whether he was distracted by the ideas, or by Tony Stark himself. Peter would stare at his boss and daydream about being bent over the nearest desk, having his hair pulled and ass spanked, and he would then excuse himself to the bathroom and jerk off to that thought, because he didn’t want Tony to see the boner through his pants. That would be awkward, to say the least.

But Peter was so unskilled when it came to dating and asking people out, he knew he was at the lost position. He even shared his sweet little secret with MJ, when they were in a coffee shop Peter had invited her to. MJ was his best friend and a personal therapist, always helping him to cope with his problems.  

“I don’t know, MJ. I can’t stop looking at him. And he thinks I only think of new designs and the next convention I’m taking part in.”

“Well, he’s only half wrong”, she shrugged, making Peter glare at her. “I don’t know either. Dress as a stripper and go to his bedroom like that. Sometimes it works in cheesy movies.”

Peter’s eyes opened wide, his eyebrows raised. He echoed MJ’s words in his mind.

“Holy shit, Michelle! That’s a plan!”

“Wait, what? No, I was kidding, Pete. Peter.”

But Peter Parker wasn’t listening. Quickly getting up, he saw stars for a second, but when the pressure in his head came back to normal, he ran out of the coffee shop, leaving the unfinished ginger tea and facepalming MJ behind. He really thought it was a great idea. Damn, he loved this girl. He would marry her, if only he was straight.

First thing he did was going to the lingerie shop to buy some lace underwear and stockings. Unfortunately their prices were not very suitable for his day-to-day wallet contention, so he had to use the savings he had, that were supposed to be spent on the next cosplay event in New York. But this was more important. Tony was more important.

Meanwhile, MJ tried to call him around ten times and sent fifteen messages that it was a joke and he should not do anything like that, ever. He ignored it all.

Next on his quick shopping list was something cute on top, and he didn’t quite figure it out yet. Visiting another chain store with clothes made him sigh in impatience, as he wanted to collect his outfit as soon as possible. A casual T-shirt wasn’t in no way acceptable, nor was wearing nothing at all.

Something he could take off easily, that wouldn’t bother him that much.

That was when he saw these weird looking, cotton crop tops that were pretty short for a shirt. They looked more like a sports bra, but very loose and thin. Peter approached the hangers and took one, put it to his chest to check out and decided to try it on. In the fitting room, he discovered it looked quite sexy on him, considering his rather skinny silhouette and muscles. It had ragged edges and was comfortable on his skin.

He didn’t hesitate any longer and bought it. With a smile on his face, he came back home, still ignoring MJ’s phone calls and messages.

Aunt May was leaving around 5 minutes after he was back, so he waited until she closed the door behind her and opened his new beauties. He laid them on his bed and went to May’s wardrobe to borrow her heels he’d given her on Christmas last year. They had the same size, luckily, but still wearing shoes designed for female feet was a little difficult for him.

When he gathered everything he needed, he dressed in his quick, unoriginal cosplay idea – a stripper for Tony Stark. May’s heels were uncomfortable at their finest, but he managed to walk a few meters and move his hips a little, just to check how it’d look overall. He liked his body in this costume, and was pretty confident about MJ’s plan. Actually, now it was his plan, since she changed her mind, but it didn’t matter as long as it was going to work. And it was.

Peter waited for a rather tough day at work, so that Tony was tired and ready to relax in the evening. That was when Peter wanted to intervene. To relieve Tony’s stress, and maybe seduce him finally. He didn’t think about his plan going wrong, he didn’t have any idea of excuse or what to do if Tony got furious over his young, silly intern trying to achieve anything.

Any day could be the day, so Peter carried his outfit in the bag and kept it locked in his work room. While being with Tony downstairs, he’d often think about his exact plan of action when finally confronting his boss alone in the bedroom. Eventually he decided to just go with the flow and be spontaneous, the first impression of Peter in these stripper clothes surely making Tony speechless.  

“Pete, could you please bring me some coffee?” He murmured under his breath, hunching at one of the big desks, his eyes on some complicated equations he had written down.

“It’s your fourth one today, Mr. Stark. And it’s just noon...” Peter looked at him, frowning in worry.  

“Just do it, Petey, please. I’m literally about to faint.”

Obediently, Peter made them both another coffee, sweet and milky for himself, black and strong for Tony. He smirked unintentionally when thought that he had the ideal opportunity. Tony was exhausted and needed to relax. Peter wanted to bring it to him as well, along with the coffee.  

Waiting for evening to come wasn’t going to work for him; he was impatient, eager to change his clothes and make his superior crazy for him.  

So, he dressed quickly right in front of the basement entrance, grabbed the tray with their beverages and walked in, Tony’s back to him. Peter approached him slowly, careful for his heels not to make any sound, and placed the coffees right in front Tony.  

“Here, Mr. Stark”, he said in a low voice. At first, Tony didn’t realize his intern was half naked right next to him, but when he was to grab something further from him, he raised his head. Seeing Peter like that, striking a pose and exposing his body, made him back up a little on his chair and blink a few times.  

“What... is going on...?” He articulated.  

“You’re tired and stressed out, Mr. Stark. I thought I could, you know. Help you a little.”

All those looks Peter’s been giving him, all those heart eyes, touching hands when exchanging tools, kind smiles. It was all clear now, and Tony was relieved he wasn’t delusional. He exhaled, leaning back in his chair.  

“Come here, baby boy.”

Something twitched in Peter’s guts, as well as in his dick. He did as ordered, sat in Tony’s lap, his legs spread, Tony’s hands reaching for his butt immediately.  

“I’ve been waiting for this to happen. You have no idea.” Tony’s pupils widened, his cloth-covered cock pressing against Peter’s.  

“I think I have, Mr. Stark.”

At these words, Tony grabbed him and seated on the nearest table he’d been working at, previously clearing it away with his arm. Peter’s body adjusted to him, his ankles on Tony’s shoulders, his arms supporting him on the table.

“I almost forgot you’re so flexible, boy. I can fuck you in any position I want, and you’ll be fine.”

Peter brushed his own cock at these words, the arousal making him even more impatient. He took his shirt off, threw it away and laid back on the table, his knees almost near his shoulders.

“I need you, Mr. Stark, please...” He moaned, stroking his inner thigh with one hand, his hole with the other. “Take these clothes off me, sir.”

Tony groaned, hungrily ripping the underwear off him. He left the stockings and heels, because sometimes Peter in such dressing was the only thing on his mind when jacking off at night.  

“You’re so beautiful, Peter. So beautiful.”

They fucked on Tony’s work table. Peter put his ass up in the air, his hole almost facing the ceiling, so that Tony could fill him whole. After a few minutes Peter came down and turned back, Tony bending him over, pulling his knee up on the table. He spread Peter’s cheeks and stroked his hole with one thumb, making the boy hum in pleasure. When stretching him again, he asked, “Do you like that, baby?” and Peter responded, barely opening his mouth, shaking, “Yeahhh, please...”

Beautiful moans and cries coming from Peter were music to Tony’s ears. Reaching his climax, Peter was drooling, not being able to close his mouth, constantly groaning quiet fucks and Mr. Starks. Tony pulled his hair when he felt his own orgasm and pounded harder a few times, abusing Peter’s hole.  

Panting loudly, they pulled away, Peter half lying on the table and Tony cleaning them both up. He caressed Peter’s naked butt, then leaned on and kissed it, making the boy chuckle.  

“How are you feeling now, Mr. Stark?” He asked.

“Never better”, Tony pulled him back close, now facing each other, “All thanks to you, baby boy. We totally have to repeat it some time.”

[avengerscompound]

The B-List Avenger - 5

The B-List Avenger: A Hawkeye Fanfic

Series Masterlist // PREVIOUS

Buy me a ☕ Character Pairing:  Clint Barton x  F!Reader

Word Count:  2182

Rating:  E

Warnings:  Action, Injuries, Angst, Pregnancy, Smut (vaginal sex)

Synopsis: After an explosion in your building, it’s up to Hawkeye to get you and your daughter to safety.  There might be worst ways to get to know someone.

Chapter 5: Self-Doubt

Natasha smacked Clint over the back of the head.  “What did you do, Barton?”  The redhead seethed at him.

Clint all but ignored her trying to get himself free from the regenerative ark technology that he was currently strapped into.  “Help me get out of this.”  He muttered, yanking on wires.

Natasha lunged forward like a cat, grabbing him by the wrists and pinning them to his sides.  “What are you going to do, you bolvan?  Go after her while you leave half your organs trailing behind you?  Use your brain.”

Clint struggled for a moment.  He didn’t care about that.  He didn’t care about anything except going after you and explaining.  He had to make this right.  Make you forgive him.  When he realized struggling against Natasha was useless, especially given how full of morphine he currently was he let his body sag.

“Did you cheat on her?”  Natasha snapped, letting his wrists go.

For a split second, he thought about arguing.  How could she possibly even think he would do something like that?  Only it wouldn’t be the first relationship he’d tanked by cheating.  Not even the second.  He sighed and shook his head.  “I swear I didn’t.”  He said looking up at Natasha, her glare was still icy and accusatory.  “I didn’t!  I love her.  And those other times… I thought we were casual.  This is different.  It’s us.”

Natasha hit him again.  “Then what?  Why on God’s green Earth were you missing her doctor’s appointments for?”

Clint covered his head with his arms.  “Stop hitting me, Nat.  That’s not okay.”

Natasha sat back in her hair and rolled her eyes.  “Well?”

“I don’t even know.  I’m scared.  I’m scared of being bad at this.  About being an Avenger and a dad.  About her realizing how shit I am.  About raising a kid in this fucked up world.”  He groaned and ran his hands down his face.  “I want the world to be better, and when I saw that weird little blob on the ultrasound machine and heard that woosh-woosh that was going so fast that was its heartbeat, all I could think was I am gonna fuck this up so bad.”

Natasha rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands.  “So you thought you would make a preemptive strike? You have got to be the dumbest dummy in the history of dummies.”

“What am I gonna do, Nat?”  Clint pleaded.  “I gotta make this right.  I can’t lose her.  Not now.”

Nat sighed and looked him over.  “Alright, listen up, dummy.”

You had gone straight home from the compound, gritting your teeth so you didn’t cry.  You made it inside and broke down in your room while your mother held you.  When you finally had gotten yourself under control you’d finished packing up all his stuff and put it near the hall, ready for him to take it.  You’d put Alexis to bed and Lucky had curled into a ball at the end of the bed.  Your heart broke just that little bit more.  Not only was Alexis going to be losing Clint, but her dog too.  Part of you hoped that maybe Clint would agree to leave Lucky with you, but then the thought of that reminder always being around hurt to think of too.

You cried yourself to sleep that night.

The next morning you woke exhausted. You also felt a little queasy, which was annoying because it had only been in the last month that you’d been able to shake the morning sickness.  You got up and hopped in the shower where a sudden wave of sadness it again, but you were too dehydrated to cry actual tears, so instead it was just a dry wracking sob that took over your whole body.  You felt like a complete idiot.

You’d managed to get on with your day. You gave Alexis her breakfast.  Took her to preschool.  Went to work.  You’d hope that Clint or someone from the Avengers would come to pick up his stuff while you were working.  At the end of the day, you pick Alexis up and go home, only to find Clint sitting on your front steps, head in his hands.

Alexis ran to him, or toddled quickly might be more accurate.  “Cwint!”  She squealed throwing herself at him.

He wrapped his arms around her and swung her back and forth.  “There’s my little slugger.”

It would be a cute sight.  Except all you could see was red.  How dare he pull this shit.  Using Alexis as some kind of human shield so you couldn’t rage at him again.  “Clint.”  You say tersely.

“Hey, babe.  Can we talk?”  He asked sheepishly as he got to his feet.  He held Alexis on his hip and she wrapped her arms around his neck.

“I think you need to be somewhere don’t you?”  You answered, rolling your eyes and pushing past him and going inside.

“No.  Don’t go, Cwint,”  Alexis whined squeezing her arms tighter around his neck.

“Sorry, sweetie.  I can’t stay.  Avengers stuff.”  Clint said soothingly as he followed you inside.

Alexis started to cry and buried her face in his neck.  It just made you more angry at him.  You turned on him and started signing furiously.  ‘Who do you think you are?  Using her to try and get back in.  Fuck you, Clint.  You can now explain to her why you’re not welcome here.’  If there was such a thing as shouting in ASL you had just done it.

“Aww man.  Please, can we just talk for a minute?  And then I’ll go?”

You pinched the bridge of your nose glaring at him.  “Fine.”  You huffed, heading into the kitchen.

You let Clint settle down Alexis while you went and fixed her a snack.  You left it with her and dragged Clint down to your bedroom.  “You have five minutes.”  You said keeping your voice low and calm.

Clint whined and bunched a fist into his hair.  “I’m an idiot.  I was scared.  I was scared I’d fuck this up and instead of doing what normal people do and talk about it, I did what I always do.  I freaked out and decided I’d try and fix the world.”

“I told you I couldn’t do this alone.  And instead, you made me do this alone.  Scared isn’t good enough Clint.”  You snapped.  “You think I’m not scared?  The difference is I don’t get a choice and you do and you used it to run.”

He sat down on the edge of the bed and ran his hands through his hair.  “I - I don’t have an excuse.  I fucked up.  I don’t expect you to take me back…”

“That’s good because I’m not going to.”  You interrupted.

He looked up at you and sighed.  “Can I try and prove I mean it?  That this is the mistake.  That you aren’t alone.  Let me come to appointments and classes.  I love you.  I’ve never felt like this about anyone.  My family is the Avengers and my brother and you and Alexis.  Let me show you?”

You sighed.  “Okay.  You can try and prove it.  I’m not promising anything.  But you are the dad in this situation, so I guess you have a right to be there.”

“Thank you.”  He said reaching out to your hand.

You pulled it away.  “One more thing.  You,”  You paused and took a deep breath trying to calm yourself.  “That little girl in there loves you so much.  You don’t get to disappear from her life.  You have two people here to prove yourself to.”

He smiled.  “You tell me what you need to do that and I’ll do it.”

Over the next few months, Clint was good to his word.  He started seeing a therapist to actually deal with some of his shit.  He showed up for every appointment.  He spoke to Steve Rogers and he’d been excused from all but word threatening events.  He did complain about paperwork a lot.  But he still showed up early for every appointment.  He stayed with you after making sure you weren’t alone for any blood tests or other extra things you needed.

When you got too big that driving was awkward he started driving you to and from the appointments.  He went and bought nursery furniture and swore a little too much as he put it together.  He rubbed your back when it hurt too much.  He would periodically check-in and see how you were doing.

With Alexis, he’d do things like go pick her up from pre-school and when you got back from work he’d have bought pizza and he, Alexis and Lucky would be eating it while they watched Brave for the one-millionth time.

Slowly you started to forget why you were mad at him in the first place.  Not ready to take him back forgetful, but willing to be his friend.  Willing to have him involved in your son’s life.

It was coming up to the tenth month of the pregnancy.  You had been suffering from bad sciatic pain and Clint had offered to help you get Alexis to bed.  You were just winding down yourself.  You were in your pajamas and trying to rub your own lower back.

Clint stuck his head into the living room.  “Out like a light.  Want me to do anything else before I go?  I could stack the dishwasher.”

“I know that was just a lip service question but yes, please.  My back is killing me.”  You answered.

He came and sat down beside you.  “How about I help with that?”  He said, starting to rub your back.  You let out a deep moan almost as soon as his thumbs pressed against your sore muscles.

“You have magic hands, Barton.”  You groaned.

“I use them a lot.”  He said simply.

You started laughing and shook your head.  “That sounded really dirty.  You been partaking in a lot of alone time?”

Clint rolled his eyes.  “I meant with the archery.  But as a matter of fact, yes.”

“Yeah, me too.”  You said with a shrug.  “I forgot how goddamned horny you get when you’re at the end of a pregnancy.  And before you ask, it’s a lot.”

He pressed on a particularly painful spot on your back and you let out a sound that was half moan of pleasure and half whine.  “You know if you’d asked I could have helped with that too.”  He said.

You elbowed him.   “I don’t think so.”

He took a breath in and let it out slowly before going back to rubbing your back.

“What was that?”  You asked.

“I just miss you.”  He answered.  “And don’t worry.  I know.  But I do.  That’s all.”

You let your head fall forward a little and closed your eyes.  “Yeah, I know.”

He looked at you and for a moment you were sure he was going to press the issue.  He had this sad hopeful look in his blue eyes.  “Hey, do you think we could name him after my brother?  I miss him so much.”

You blink at him for a moment.  “Barney?”  You asked slightly surprised by the question.

“Charles actually.  Barney was a nickname.  But yeah.  Is that okay?”  He said.

“Yeah.  Yes of course.  He can be Charles.”  You answered.

Clint smiled sadly.  “Thank you.  You’re too good to me.”  He shook his head again.  “I’m so sorry I fucked us up.  I wish I wasn’t such a piece of shit.”

You turned on him and took his hands in yours.  “Why do you always talk about yourself like that?”  You asked.  “You aren’t a piece of shit.  It’s like you just make yourself one by speaking it into being that way.  All your friends, even your exes talk about you like you’re the best guy around who has no faith in himself.  Shit, that’s how I feel.  I thought we had this.”

He nods.  “I did too.  I don’t know.  I don’t know why I keep doing this.  And I thought I had it.  I had control over it.  I was really happy and I just shot myself in the foot.  But worse because I hurt you.  And Alexis.  And the baby… Charles.  I ruined it.  I ruined us.  Our family.”

You put your hand on Clint’s cheek, tilting his head up to you.  “No.  You didn’t.”

“What?”  He asked looking into your eyes.

“You didn’t.”  You repeated and brought your lips to his.  He wrapped his arms around you, pulled you closer to him.  Your hands roamed up and down his back.  You ran your tongue over his top lip and circled his with it.  He hummed and put his hand in your hair.

He leaned you back on the couch, putting his knee between your thighs and curving above you.

You felt a small pop and a gush of fluid spilled from you over Clint’s thigh and the couch.

“What the fuck was that?”  Clint asked looking down.  

You look at him, eyes wide.  “My waters just broke.”

// NEXT