#i have achieved other goals like transitioning and moving to a new city and having a girlfriend

[floodnetworks]

just realized i graduated from high school 6 years ago and am only halfway done with my undergrad degree. wtf have i been up to 😭😭😭.....

[genzandulifecoach]

Professional Life Coach in Virginia - GenZandu

How to identify your priorities and stick to them

The other day I posted about how to overcome procrastination and briefly mentioned that it is important to identify your priorities and stick to them. But as always this is easier said than done. I always tell my clients to first distinguish between what needs more attention vs less. Then I ask them how would you like to spend more time/how would you like to spend less time? What is most important to you right now? And lastly, if you could do anything right now without any limitations what would it be?

Asking yourself these questions and then picking out what stands the most out to you will help you narrow down all that you feel you must accomplish. Pick one thing from that list that you have identified as the most important and finish it first. This exercise can greatly help you find your priorities and feel a little less overwhelmed.

If you need a Professional Life Coach in Virginia

As life coaching becomes an optimum way of achieving the next level of happiness and stability, I get a lot of requests asking me to give specific things life coaches can help with. I have listed a few items below which could help you identify if you need a Life Coach. Read below…

You're facing a major transition. 

If you're about to change jobs, move to a new city or get out of a relationship, you need a life coach. You don't want to burn out your family and friends with discussions about your upcoming life changes, and you want to make your transition as easy as you can.

If you are letting fear hold you back.

We all have our moments, the difference between people who succeed and the ones who give up are the people who step into fear and stretch their limits.

You have low self-worth.

We all have limiting beliefs about ourselves; a coach will support you in processing your self-limiting thoughts and reaching greater heights.

You lack focus and self-accountability. 

Some of us have great capabilities but struggle with accountability and following a routine, A coach with putting accountability measures in place so you can push your limits and achieve those goals.

You want to focus on the future but are stuck in the past. 

The past is what holds most people back and worrying about the future is what stops people from moving forward as anxiety takes over, A coach keeps you accountable with a focus on the present, helping you maximize your potential.

You struggle with Anxiety- Anxiety is one of the root causes of why people can be stuck in repetitive patterns, life coaching can help you identify the causes of anxiety with self-exploration and move you from discovery to action

Monday The benefits of mindfulness and meditation for reducing anxiety

The topic of mindfulness and meditation came up in one of my recent sessions and I thought I’d share a little bit about the importance of mindfulness. Research has shown using mindfulness is a helpful tool that can help reduce anxiety. Learning to be a mindful person allows you to become more reflective rather than reactive and focuses your attention on the present moment. Thinking in the present counters thoughts about worrying about the future such as “I need to remember to pay the bills” or thoughts about the past like “I shouldn’t have said that.” While it is important to learn from the past to plan, constantly thinking in these modes can cause a lot of stress. Instead, combating these negative emotions with awareness allows us to be more open to our emotions and therefore react to a stressful situation in a more conscious way. While mindfulness will not help reduce anxiety overnight, with enough consistent practice you can learn to counteract your worrying. I hope this post was helpful and as always please feel free to reach out with any questions and follow me on social media @dr.unnattijain

If any of the above points resonate with you, DM me, and let’s connect over a call. visit: www.genzandu.com Or, Follow me on Instagram / TikTok / YouTube --@dr.unnattijain

[architectuul]

An Attempted Utopia

The city of Shumen in Bulgaria is home to the country’s largest monument to the Founders of the Bulgarian State. An enormous, cathedral-like complex on the plateau above Shumen tells the story of the early Bulgarian rulers through a series of larger-than-life modernist sculptures. 

Shumen Central City Square (1988-1989), unfinished. Created by Ivan Sivrev, Elena Konyarska, Maya Petrova, and Tsvetan Vasilev; chief consultant architect Georgi Stoilov. | Photo © Darmon Richter

But while many other memorials built during the communist period have been doomed now to decay and obsolescence owing to their political symbolism – branded as they often are with hammers, sickles and stars – the Shumen monument, by focussing purely on the ancient past, has managed to remain relevant to, and loved by, its inheritors. Today this symbol of Bulgarian nationhood is better preserved than probably any other monument built during the 45 years of Bulgarian communism so many foreign visitors come to Shumen to marvel at it. 

An upwards view, from deep within the abandoned construction site of the Central City Square concrete tower.  | Photo © Darmon Richter

A vast concrete tower looms over Shumen’s city centre: phallic, foreboding, and visible from all ends of the city. Standing 18 storeys high, the tower rises from a construction site six storeys tall and spreading out to fill an entire city block. The Central City Square, a gargantuan experiment in urban design was intended to be revolutionary, incorporating shops, hotel, post office, cafes, restaurants, hall for weddings and rituals as well as municipal administrative offices but has never been finished. 

Glimpsing the full scale of vast Central City Square. | Photo © Darmon Richter

When the Bulgarian Communist Party relinquished its single-party system at the end of 1989 the country slid into a chaotic and economically unstable democracy and many former state projects has been left incomplete. All over Bulgaria are the shells of abandoned construction projects, orphans of a dissolved government but nowhere any come close to the size of Shumen’s Central City Square. The tower, its most visible element, stood between two unfinished blocks which rise behind a security fence established right along the city’s central pedestrian area on Liberation Square. Only by peering over that fence, does one realise that the tower and both blocks are all the same building, joined through lower levels, dug into the hillside, with road access to the site from a street behind. The lower levels of Central City Square extend beneath the street, emerging behind you as tunnel entrances that look like metro stations. Hotel Madara, overlooking the square, was supposed to be connected with underground tunnels that would grant guests easy access to the complex.

Cross sections of Shumen Central City Square. | Drawing via Promisljena estetika (1988) Vol. 1

The street was redeveloped in tangent with the Central City Square project, around the pedestrianised area are motifs thematically connecting it to both the new complex and the monument on the hill above. For instance, the tallest column of the Monument to the Founders of the Bulgarian State is topped with a stylised black granite lion, based on a 7th century carving, a design that is echoed in the streets below, with sculpted bronze lion heads set like sentries along a sheer concrete wall. Opposite the lions, the outer wall of the new complex nods to a culture that predates even the first Bulgarians, Hermes the messenger appears in sculpted relief on the face of what would have been the new post office.

A modernist relief at the subterranean entrance. | Photo © Darmon Richter

This redesign of Shumen city centre was a world apart from the monumental design of previous decades. Nearby, the 1949 Monument to the Red Army on Slavyanski Boulevard was pure, unadulterated socialist-realism; even the 1965 Monument to Freedom leant heavily into safe political territory with its hero figure and engraved hammer-and-sickle motif. 

Western block rises behind an advertising fence.| Photo © Darmon Richter

However, the complex at the heart of this city project was bolder still. Intended to revolutionise Shumen’s urban landscape in ways that would have made this city notable not just by Bulgarian standards, but potentially one of the more advanced urban centres anywhere in the socialist world.

In an interview with Ivan Sivrev appeared in Industrial Aesthetics, Decorative Arts (1988), a monthly magazine published by the Bulgarian State Committee for Science and Technical Progress, the architect described the project as a forum for this 100,000-person city. “Central City Square has been designed as a living organism,” said Sivrev, “the elements of which are interconnected and interdependent just like, figuratively speaking, the organs of a living creature. We intend for Shumen’s centre to materialise as a synthesis between aesthetic, artistic, social, engineering, ecological and other requirements, instilling the rich historical past of Bulgaria into a modern development.”

Ivan Sivrev (right) stands beside a model of Central City Square in 1988.

Sivrev lists the various facilities to be included in the complex “the ‘Man’s Industry’ Fashion House, ‘Pancho Vladigerov’ Festival Complex, the existing Hotel Madara, and on the first underground level, the House of Rituals and Services.” The Festival Complex alone was to feature “concert halls, a club house, recital halls, music rooms, a record shop and musical instrument outlets”, meanwhile, “the House of Rituals and Services consists of three ceremonial halls, a family centre and council offices where various administrative, legislative and technical services shall be provided. There shall be a conference hall with 400 seats and a club restaurant for the administrative workers.”

Preliminary (up left) and final (up right) building plan with silhouettes and cross sections (below). | Drawing via Promisljena estetika (1988) Vol. 1

Other outlets inside the building included tobacconists, pharmaceuticals, a panorama café, coffee shops, a luxury restaurant and nightclub for 250 guests. One particular theme that emerges from the interview is Sivrev’s commitment to environmental issues. The building was designed from the ground up with the goal of combatting congestion and pollution in the city; considerations which had been lacking from many of the Party’s previous large-scale constructions. The Shumen project was to feature open green spaces, rooftop gardens and planted terraces. It was planned with the intention of increasing the size of community green areas. Cascading water would provide a pleasantly refreshing spray in hot summers, while a unified public transport hub would free the neighbouring streets from traffic congestion.

A towering concrete skeleton of the complex today. | Photo © Darmon Richter

This effect would be achieved by moving some of the city’s essential functions underground. “The construction of underground levels is a social necessity” states Sivrev as “underground levels bring mass transportation stops immediately next to the city square without creating a conflict between pedestrians and motor vehicles. They improve usage of public transportation significantly and reduce noise pollution and car emissions.”

The first underground level was planned for public transport stations, flower shops, souvenir and jewellery shops, homewares, perfumes, a national lottery kiosk and ticket offices for Balkan airline, BDZ rail company, Avtotransport coach company. The second underground level was intended to feature a car park for 200 vehicles under the square and a space for 250 vehicles next to Georgi Dimitrov Boulevard. Below that, the third underground level would provide a united storage area for servicing all buildings in the square.

Silhouettes and cross sections along the main core axes of the central structure.  | Drawing via Promisljena estetika (1988) Vol. 1

The project as a whole reflected new ways of thinking about urban space. There are parallels between Ivan Sivrev’s design and the Radiant City proposed by Le Corbusier in 1930, when he exhibited his design for the perfected future metropolis - a linear city formed of standardised blocks, with underground transit routes reducing the surface traffic to allow for an abundance of green spaces. Each block would take the form of a self-contained vertical village containing shops, laundries, even kindergartens. The architect likened his vision to a living organism, composed of interconnected organs working together in harmony.

Le Corbusier’s proposed extent of the Radiant City. | Photo via Stadtstreicher

“I believe we managed to achieve conceptual synergy between urbanisation and architectural-artistic concepts. The development and its attributed buildings create the necessary conditions and allow for creating a unified architectural organism in which all levels and structures are both spatially and functionally connected. This is the very first such development in Bulgaria and it applies the most advanced principles of underground urbanism” is certain Sivrev. His design sketches show that the plan for Shumen Central City Square would have seen it grow considerably larger than what’s visible today. Much like Le Corbusier’s Radiant City the project would remain unrealised and today, those who venture inside will find not utopia, but a sprawling warren of abandoned spaces and twisting concrete corridors.

Unfinished spaces on the easternmost block. | Photo © Darmon Richter

Plants have taken root in some of the airier regions of the complex. | Photo © Darmon Richter

Bulgaria’s communist leader Todor Zhivkov was kicked out by his own party in 1989 in response to a number of growing criticisms throughout the final years of his regime. The rise of nationalism had been a major factor, culminating in Zhivkov’s attempted ethnic cleansing of Turkish and Roma minorities, beside that there had also been serious environmental concerns. Zhivkov had continued his predecessors’ urbanisation schemes, with large-scale industrialisation as cities were rapidly expanded to accommodate new work forces. The state had done little, however, to offset the effect this was having on the environment. By 1989, The Ledger reported that 85% of Bulgaria’s river water and 70% of its farmland had been damaged by industrial wastes and pollutants.

The Danube city of Ruse had it worst of all, when a chemical plant was built across the river at Giurgiu in Romania, it began to exhale toxic gases towards Bulgaria. Soil around the Ruse area was shown to contain concentrations of mineral acid at 40 times over the safe limit. A cloud of chemical gas descended on a Ruse meeting of the Young Pioneer organisation in September 1987, and children as young as seven were seen choking, running for cover with their red neckerchiefs clutched over their mouths. Zhivkov refused to act, however, unwilling to upset his fraternal relationship with the Romanian dictator Nicolae Ceaușescu. The Committee for the Ecological Protection of Ruse was founded, and they began protesting Zhivkov’s lack of solutions. Initially these demonstrations were crushed, Zhivkov allegedly ordered the beating of a group of environmental activists outside an OSCE summit in October 1989, but national dissatisfaction grew. Organised, nationwide protest gave birth to the Ecological Openness movement: a forerunner to the contemporary Bulgarian Green Party.

As Detlef Pollack and Jan Wielgohs note in Dissent and Opposition in Communist Eastern Europe, “On November 3 1989, Ecoglasnost (Ecological Openness) delivered the crucial blow to the Communist political system. At least 10,000 people came and marched to parliament, carrying posters and chanting the word democracy. It was a crucial breakthrough. Just a week following the Ecoglasnost march, Zhivkov was sacked.”

Bare concrete facades on the north side. | Photo © Darmon Richter

Shumen from the rooftops. | Photo © Darmon Richter

Perhaps Shumen’s Central City Square, a Corbusian city of the future, designed for a new ecologically responsible mode for urban living, had been a belated response to the problems. Perhaps it was intended as a trial, as the first of a new wave of ecologically-friendly urban redevelopments, but even if that were the case it was too little, too late.

Even by 1988, the project had reportedly been fraught with difficulties and by disagreements amongst its creative team. Sivrev explained these as “the inability to comprehend the unity and yet simultaneously multi-faceted nature of the development.” One engineer had baulked at the prospect of building the tower and ran away from the project. “Atypical solutions require atypical thinking” Sivrev concluded.

The unfinished tower. | Photo © Darmon Richter

But the final blow came in 1989 when the communist state was dissolved and Shumen’s Central City Square, like so many other unfinished constructions in Bulgaria, had its funding cut off. In place of a unified architectural organism the people of Shumen would be left instead to deal with a colossal, crumbling skeleton.

--

by Darmon Richter [Adapted with permission from Ex Utopia]

[lovehugsandcandy]

the stories we tell (and the stories we live) (Coltx MC, RoD)

Pairing: Colt x MC, ROD

Length: ~2400 words

Rating/Warnings: N*FW (Not explicit but it’s there. And swearing.)

Summary: Colt’s story isn’t his own until it is.

.

When Colt thinks of stories, he thinks of the stories of his youth, hazy memories of sitting on his father’s lap and listening to tales of Kanekos past. He thinks of scenes from movies, car chases and explosions before the guaranteed victory, ending scenes and credits rolling with the hero beating the odds and riding off victorious into the sunset.

And then he gets older. 

And learns that stories are myths, hiding lies and false promises, wrapped in the guise of happy endings that will never happen.

Not to him.

And when he thinks of stories, he tries not to think of his own.

And when he does, when he thinks of the story of Colt and crew and the Kaneko name, he can’t of the beginning. 

It hurts too much to remember a time when he was a welcome fixture at the shop, when Pop greeted him with a smile, sometimes even a pat to his head. This was before, before those hands became angry and harsh, before the smiles turned to glares, before the words turned hateful and vicious, echoing the nightmares that creep into his sleep, shocking him awake in a cold sweat.

There are other stories, 

He steals his first car when he’s 11. It’s the first time he’s ever driven as well, the tips of his toes only able to graze the pedals when he leans against the steering wheel. It’s a massive effort to peer over the dash, to not press his scrawny chest on the horn, but he manages, denting only the bumper against an unlucky mailbox. But when he pulls into the garage, his father is more shocked than awed and his mother furious.

So he first leaves California when he’s 12, hustled onto his first airplane, deposited in an unfamiliar city with scabs lining his knuckles and a bruise blooming on his jawline, the first transition of many marking the flow between scenery and characters.

He’s first suspended when he’s 13. Everyone at this new school is despicable, but he’ll be damned if some upperclassman is going to throw slurs at him amidst a crowded hallway. He’s sent home, his opponent sent for stitches, and his mother spends five of her limited vacation days making his confinement as miserable as possible.

He first has sex in the dingy bathroom of a dive bar that obviously doesn’t care about liquor laws.

It’s a story he never tells. 

Stories are prideful things, lies portraying overcome odds and vanquished enemies until a triumphant, crescendoed victory. Curtains close on dreams attained.

His story has never gone like that and this memory is no different.

He’s 14, sipping something amber and toxic from a rocks glass because it makes him look cool, sitting alone as his knees knock against the stool because he hates everyone. His feet don’t even touch the ground yet, but it doesn’t seem to matter to the bartender, who keeps sliding booze across the slick bar top as long as the cash keeps coming from Colt’s pocket.

And apparently it doesn’t matter to the girl across the bar, all blond hair and glossy lips, pendant necklace dangling heavy above a low-cut shirt. She bats a heavy mascara gaze over her wineglass and it takes an embarrassingly long time before he recognizes the fire behind gaze.

His heart is racing when she perches on the stool next to him, and it’s with fumbling hands and drunken kisses that they weave a messy path to the bathroom.

Once they’re done, she buttons her jeans and smirks at him, waltzing out of the bathroom without a second glance.

It feels like a fitting end to his childhood, thrown from LA to end up staggering into the Bronx streets; his jeans are still unzipped but no one’s around to care as he turns the key in the empty apartment and sinks into freshly washed sheets.

If the saga of his childhood has ended (beginning as a worthy heir before being cast aside, thousands of miles away, lost boy and discarded son), then the story of his adulthood is beginning. Stories have beginnings and middles and ends, protagonists and supporting characters,  events when second matter, where every step taken leads towards a goal, an achievement of some sort.

He hasn’t achieved anything.

Not yet.

His mom gets off work at 3am, footsteps light as she makes her way to the adjoining bedroom. Once the light snores start, he creeps out of bed to spew stomach acid into the toilet, lights off, stifling the shameful hacking and choking.

He slips back into bed, mouthwash still tingling on his tongue, but sleep doesn’t come that night.

It doesn’t feel like a fortuitous beginning.

~~~~~

And then it doesn’t get better.

The fights continue.

He comes home weekly with bruised knuckles and wounded pride, counting the days until he can free himself from the cast of characters around him.

Every teacher treats him like an adversary, every stupid social clique shuns him, and it’s fucking bullshit but he doesn’t need anyone, none of these assholes at this fucking school. It’s him against the world, at least until he can get back to LA, back to the home and the legacy that belongs to him.

His mother wants everything from him. They’re alone, the two of them, and he falls into the role of trusted confidant and then wayward son and finally complete stranger; none of the roles he tries satisfy anyone in this fracturing family of two.

The girls want one thing from him and it’s so simple, so easy, and the best part is that he doesn’t have to think, just for a moment.

His dad wants nothing from him, and his teeth dig into his bottom lip so his sobs don’t echo through the thin apartment walls.

~~~~~

Stories come in chapters and his next one takes him to LA. It’s inevitable that he ends up here, speeding aimlessly through the crowded streets, ending up on the outskirts of a crowd that should part for him like the seas.

The first time he sees her, she looks like a baby hawk. Not that he’s ever seen a baby hawk, mind you, but her eyes peer sharply around the lot even though her steps are stuttering and small.

He would never have guessed that she would be more than a supporting character in his fateful return, but soon, she becomes everything. His mind is consumed with their future, ruling LA as a team, owning the next stage of the Kaneko legacy. Her insightful mind and sharp wit are both challenging and refreshing; it feels like he’s met his match.

His story is finally beginning.

But the pyre in front of him is actually the conclusion. Flames lick at his eyebrows as he drives by, staring into the wreckage for something, anything; her arms around his waist are the only thing keeping him upright.

And if his father’s explosion is the end, then the blaze at the garage is the epilogue, the wreckage a fitting end to the Kaneko legacy.

~~~~~

It takes years, four to be exact, before he’s comfortable taking a brief vacation. Building up the fledgling crew has been challenging and painstaking, but, brick by brittle brick, he has finally created a crew worthy of the Kaneko name. 

So he heads to New York. 

Colt cares about two people in the world and the irony of them being in the same city at the same time feels a little like choreographed coincidence and a little like fate.

He starts with his mother. She’s moved to Manhattan, and he needs to Google the route, feet almost taking him into the gritty streets he knows intimately well. He recalibrates off the train, unfamiliar buildings flying by as he crosses the East River and straight into her new setting and her new life. They walk through the tree-lined streets; she lives in Soho now and every step is strange. She leads him through farmers’ markets and points out breakfast joints, each one a reminder of how far away he is. As they amble, she speaks of her job before turning the conversation to Pop; his every reply is halting, pain and truth veiled through clipped words and terse responses, his hands buried in his pockets and shoulders hunched to his ears.

For two people who share a bloodline and a language, they’re incomprehensible to each other. Colt realizes, with sickening clarity, how much better his mom’s life is now, now that he’s gone and vanished across the country.

She holds him close outside her new apartment building (this one doesn’t have bars on the first-floor windows) and her eyes well with a sadness she can’t name (or won’t, Colt thinks bitterly, shifting on his heels in her embrace). Her hands linger on his shoulders, and she presses a lipstick kiss into his cheek; he furiously wipes it off as he strides to the subway.

His palms flash pomegranate pink as he swipes his pass.

Langston is eighteen stops uptown. It takes thirty minutes on the A train, and he’s wasting away every second, an eternity spent watching subway tiles and grim faces blur past.

He blends in with the crowd, rowdy college kids streaming into her dorm, and he sneaks up the stairs and raps lightly on the door. They barely talk but he’s immediately understood, her hands gentle under his jaw, up his shoulder blades, then insistent up his sides, gripping his forearms, tugging his hair.

She curls against him, the slide of her skin both foreign and reminiscent, and shakes her head. “I can’t believe you just showed up here. You’re lucky seniors get singles.”

“I can’t believe you let me in.”

“You thought I wouldn’t?”

“I guess I was cautiously optimistic.” He craned his neck to drop a kiss on the top of her head. “Guess I was right.”

She grabs his hand, tracing up and down each finger as if she were relearning every knuckle, every tiny scar. When her inspection is complete, she stills. “I waited for you.”

“What do you mean?” 

“For years I thought…” She trails off, and he wonders if they thought the same, that the other would reach out, bridge the miles and the trauma; he’s lost in the past until she curls over him and then there’s no time for thinking anymore.

They emerge the next morning, blinking away the sun, and she pulls him through her haunts, dragging him to the coffee shop where they know her order, her favorite path through the park.

She drags him with glee through the tourist traps and side haunts; they have beers at tiny dive bars, eat pretzels from rickety carts, and walk city blocks until his feet and cheeks hurt, hand in hand.

She glows here, radiantly beautiful, and he realizes that maybe she as well has been bolstered by his absence.

Even though it’s not Colt’s borough of choice, it’s hard not to feel comfortable as she pulls him down the packed streets, weaving through crowds with the same agility with which she wove through highway car chases. 

She’s at home here as she is behind the wheel, and something in his chest tightens. 

She belongs here, vibrant as the surrounding city, crafting her own story.

~~~~~

He needs to get back. 

Empires don’t build themselves.

He doesn’t tell her but, apparently, he doesn’t have to. It’s achingly slow as he slides into her, savoring every moment to remember when he’s back home, alone. She rolls her hips against his and it’s almost painful, blinding light flashing patterns behind his eyelids as she takes her pleasure from him, quivering above him until he can’t stand it, flipping her over in one fierce motion to bury himself, again and again, world dissolving with her squeal of pleasure in his ears and his teeth in her shoulder.

“I can’t ask you to come with me.”

She starts, head jerking off his shoulder, and he can’t bring himself to look into her eyes. Instead, he focuses on the assignments scrawled on her whiteboard, each one a reminder of a goal to attain, and the graduation cap askew on her desk, a reminder of the path she had chosen, her story told in the golden tassels dangling to the floor.

“You don’t need to ask.”

This time, it’s him jerking up, head spinning to face her. “What do you…?”

“I was coming anyway.” She settles back against him, and he counts the puffs of breath against his skin as reassurance that this is real. “I told you… I waited for you. I had a go bag packed for two years,” he feels her lips tug into a rueful smile against him as she continues, “a backpack stuffed in my closet with clothes and stuff, just in case you asked, just in case you called.”

“I called. Once.”

“Wha… when?”

“February of your sophomore year.” His hand slides up her back to tangle in her hair. “From a payphone in Torrance. It rang once, and I hung up. I couldn’t… I thought better of it. I couldn’t mess it up for you.”

“You don’t mess anything up for me. You help me be great. We’re gonna be great together.”

He springs two thousand bucks for an additional plane ticket and upgrades to first class. She points out the NY landmarks as they climb into the air and then curls against him as she dozes. They land at LAX, falling into bed in the loft at the shop, and, the next day, she climbs aboard the back of his bike, arms warm around him as they pull over to the cliff.

This isn’t a story.

Stories have heroes and villains and everything is tied up nearly at the end, when the evil is vanquished and the hero gets the girl and the sun rises on a brand new day when everyone lives happily ever after.

This isn’t a story.

It’s real life and real life has real people, all their virtues and flaws, hopes and dreams, and there are no storybook saviors riding in to save the day --- at least not in Colt’s life.

There’s only him and this girl and the sun setting brilliantly beneath the ocean below, lighting the cresting waves in purples and blues, and this isn’t the end, not at all.

.

Tags:

Perma

@leelee10898, @client-327, @brightpinkpeppercorn, @choicesarehard, @burnsoslow, @zaffrenotes, @kat-tia801, @desiree-pow-35-1986, @ritachacha

ROD

@omgjasminesimone, @mskaneko, @alyssalauren

Colt x MC

@flowerpowell, @shondideaira-blog @isometimesplaychoices @romewritingshop

[solarscholarsofmagick]

Saturn in Aquarius: 2020-2023

Beginning on March 21, Saturn entered the revolutionary sign of Aquarius for a brief month and a half preview and will retrograde back into Capricorn until the end of September. On December 17, it will re-enter Aquarius until March of 2023. Saturn is known as the planet of limitations, boundaries, responsibilities and hard lessons, and up until now has been making its way through the restrictive and authoritarian sign of Capricorn since the beginning of 2018. Though Saturn is the ruler of earthy Capricorn and identifies well with that controlling energy, it doesn’t always do its best work in this sign. Traditionally, Saturn also rules the airy free-flowing sign of Aquarius and tends to be very comfortable in this sign, despite how different they may seem. When Saturn enters this humanitarian sign, it evolves into a higher version of itself, capable of bringing much needed equality and change into the world. How do we know this? Well, let’s take a look at the last few Saturn transits through Aquarius – from 1991 to 1994, and before that, from 1962 to 1964.

Let’s begin with Saturn’s transit through futuristic Aquarius back in 1962. Right off the bat, as Saturn entered the sign, the first automated (unmanned) subway train in New York City began running. Aquarius rules technology and automation, so this stood out to me as a very modern Aquarian development already. Also in 1962, Spacewar! was developed and released as the first computer game, featuring two spaceships fighting it out. Each spaceship was controlled by a player, meaning it was not only the first computer game, but also the first multi-player game for computers. Fitting, as Aquarius rules groups as well as spaceships and technology.

In the early 1990s, there were also some major technological advancements, specifically related to the internet and computers. In 1991, at the beginning of Saturn’s transit through Aquarius, Apple released the PowerBook, the first modern laptop computer, which was a huge development in the computer world and has influenced our modern computers significantly in their portability and design. The WorldWide Web was technically invented in 1989, while Saturn was transiting Capricorn, and it was exclusively meant for information-sharing between scientists in institutions around the world at that time. However, in April of 1993, after Saturn had entered Aquarius, CERN made the “www” software public, accessible to anyone with a computer. This is significant because Aquarius represents freedom and equality, and though it was still mainly the upper class that could afford computers at the time, this movement away from intellectual elitism essentially opened the internet up for free public use like we have today. In 1992, ViolaWWW was released, and was the first web browser to become popularized by users. It was also the recommended browser by CERN until it was replaced by Mosaic in 1993, the first web browser to display images with text rather than in a new window.

In the upcoming transit of Saturn through Aquarius, we can expect to see even more advanced technology developments. Many people are expecting Artificial Intelligence to really take off in the coming years, as well as 5G technology and space travel on a grander scale. Smart devices and appliances are becoming more readily available and more advanced.

The future of technology was on the minds of many in the early 1960s, reflected in ABC’s first color animated TV series, The Jetsons, premiering in September of 1962. Not only does Aquarius rule color television and cartoons, but the futuristic utopian vision held by The Jetsons is also very Aquarian in nature. Television also welcomed the eccentric and beloved Addams family in 1964 with ABC’s premiere of The Addams Family. This television classic questioned social norms of the time, specifically the values of the traditional mid-century American family, which were quite conservative at the time. This series became a symbol of the counterculture in television, a typically Aquarian concept. Another incredibly popular futuristic TV show that technically started during Saturn’s transit through Aquarius, Star Trek began filming in November of 1964, during the last couple months of Saturn’s journey through this sign. Star Trek is also notable for this transit due to the fact that it was one of the first television shows to give women, especially black women, prominent and respected roles. The character Lt. Uhura, the ship’s communications officer, was played by Nichelle Nichols, a black actress. At that time, black women typically only appeared in television as servants and maids, so this was a revolutionary change not only in television but in the civil rights movement as well. In fact, when Nichelle Nichols considered quitting the show to pursue a career on Broadway, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. met with Nichelle, convincing her to stay on the show as a part of history.

Television in the early 1990s during Saturn’s next transit through Aquarius was just as influential on culture as the television of the early 1960s. One of the first TV shows that comes to mind when I think of the 90s in television is the classic sitcom Friends. Though this show technically didn’t air until Saturn had moved into Pisces in 1994, the concept of the show resonates very closely with Aquarian themes. For one, the name “Friends” is representative of Aquarius, the sign of friendship and camaraderie. David Crane and Marta Kauffman, the show’s creators, began developing Friends in late 1993 under the early title of Insomnia Cafe, as Saturn made its way through the last 10 degrees of Aquarius. Though it initially had mixed reviews, Friends grew to become one of the most popular and beloved television shows of its time. Another well-loved show of the early 90s, though aimed more towards a younger audience, Bill Nye the Science Guy first aired in 1993, and embraced the forward-thinking Aquarian scientist archetype. Science in general is ruled by Aquarius, sign of innovation and discovery, and this show was designed to teach children about the realities of science and observation. One TV show I thought I should mention here as well is The Real World, which first aired on MTV in 1992, and is credited as being the birth of the “reality TV” genre of television, though it was edited quite often in favor of certain situations and reactions that didn’t quite reflect reality. It received a lot of criticism as well for not ever casting an Asian man in nearly 30 years on television. Reality TV is also very much a Saturn in Aquarius concept, as Saturn rules realism, and Aquarius rules television in general.

Aquarius is also the ruler of cartoons, as I touched on earlier, so it’s only fitting that I discuss a few cartoons of the early 90s. The trend of “cartoons for adults” was beginning to take off around this time, after The Simpsons paved the way in 1989 with its adult humor and hidden messages about adult life. One of the more “mature” cartoons that comes to mind when thinking of Saturn’s transit through Aquarius in the early 1990s is The Ren & Stimpy Show. This show first aired in 1991, and was quite grotesque in its animation style, featuring detailed animated close-ups with which other shows later followed suit. It was especially adored among college students due to its bizarre animation style and dark yet quirky humor. Another “adult cartoon” that began while Saturn was making its way through Aquarius is Beavis and Butt-Head, which first aired in 1993. This cartoon had mixed reviews and stirred up a lot of controversy with its seemingly idiotic social criticism, but became a staple of early 90s adult television nonetheless. The social criticism in this show is representative of Saturn in Aquarius as well, as Saturn portrays a harsh, critical nature, and Aquarius is a sign of society and social groups. Rocko’s Modern Life was yet another cartoon series that was aimed for young adults rather than children, and achieved moderate success after its initial release in 1993. This show was known for highlighting adult situations through cartoon animation- combining the adult responsibilities and themes of Saturn with the off-beat cartoony Aquarian personality. One last cartoon I’d like to mention in this segment of adult cartoons is Animaniacs, which first aired in 1993, and quickly became a hit with both children under age 11 and adults over 25. The large following among adults even led to one of the earliest Internet fandom cultures, another Aquarian concept.

Television in the coming years will likely circle around again to some of these rebellious Aquarian ideas, and it’s likely that TV will become even more entwined with the Internet over the next few years, as online streaming is more common these days than watching cable TV.

Saturn’s movement through Aquarius was a big part of the civil rights movement of the early 60s as well. The sign of Aquarius is a sign of freedom, equal human rights, and disrupting the status quo, which essentially were a few of the main goals of the movement. In fact, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had a 10th house Aquarius Mercury, which is why we remember him best for his “I have a dream” speech, which he delivered August 28, 1963 in Washington D.C. for the 200,000+ people who gathered in front of the Lincoln Memorial for the March on Washington. During the time he was writing and revising this speech, Saturn was transiting his Mercury in Aquarius as well. Later in 1963, on October 22, roughly 200,000 students stayed out of school in Chicago to protest segregation of African-American students in schools. This was a major peak of an ongoing battle to desegregate schools across America, again acting out the Aquarian values of equality and social justice.

In the early 1990s, this theme re-emerged through the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. A video went public in 1991 of five white Los Angeles police officers severely beating Mr. Rodney King after pulling him over for speeding. The riots began on April 29, 1992 after a trial jury acquitted four of the officers, enraging thousands of Southern Californians who took to the streets in anger. By the end of the riots, in early May, sixty-three people had been killed and thousands more were injured or had been arrested. The 1992 Rodney King riots went on to inspire the folk song “Like a King” from Ben Harper’s debut 1994 album Welcome to the Cruel World, which was released just after Saturn transited into Pisces; therefore, the songs were written and recorded while Saturn was in Aquarius.

In the coming transit of Saturn through Aquarius, we can expect to see another revolutionary movement, particularly watching the Black Lives Matter movement, because the hashtag was born while Saturn was in Scorpio, meaning Saturn in Aquarius will be coming up on a Saturn square for the birth chart of the movement.

Furthermore in music, there were a few major developments in the early 1960s while Saturn was in Aquarius that stood out to me. First, in the early to mid 60s, Joan Baez was beginning to make a name for herself in folk music during the American folk revival. Then in 1962, Peter, Paul & Mary released their debut album, which reached #1 on the US album charts. During the same year, Bob Dylan released his self-titled debut album of cover songs, and later went on to release his first original album The Times They Are a-Changin’ in 1964, towards the end of Saturn’s journey through Aquarius. These politically-charged folk artists all peaked with the folk revival during Saturn’s transit through Aquarius, which makes sense, as folk music is Aquarian in its nature, typically discussing issues of politics, inequality and other “radical” ideas of change. In fact, these artists also all performed “We Shall Overcome” at Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s March on Washington in 1963.

Another emerging group that stood out to me from this Aquarian transit was The Beatles. This incredibly successful rock group released their first couple of songs, “Please Please Me” and “Ask Me Why,” in January of 1963. By the next month, their single “Please Please Me” was topping the British rock charts. The Beatles released their debut studio album, Please Please Me, in March 1963, and by May had landed on the top of the UK album charts, staying there for 30 weeks, only to be replaced by their second studio album, With The Beatles. By October of 1963, the media began using the term “Beatlemania” to describe the frenzied behavior exhibited by Beatles fans across the globe. Many of their live performances were accompanied by the sounds of screaming fans and general hysteria. Fanatics, by the way, are also ruled by Aquarius. In February of 1964, The Beatles made their first appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show, drawing a record 73.7 million viewers. The crazed audience clearly depicts the “Beatlemania” phenomenon in full swing. But how do The Beatles relate to Saturn’s transit through Aquarius? First off, The Beatles were one of the first mainstream groups to market to the younger generation of teenagers rather than to their parents. This was a big shift in the music industry, as typically it was the older audience with all the spending power, whereas now, young teenage girls were a powerful force in the music market. Though their earlier songs avoided heavier social topics, it became obvious later in their career that The Beatles were a huge part of the birth of counterculture and anti-establishment ideas. In 1964, when the band was informed that a venue they were scheduled to perform at in Florida in the US was segregated, they refused to play unless the audience was integrated. Many more conservative countries refused to allow The Beatles to perform at all, in fear that their progressive counterculture ideas would “infect” their younger population. Even the United States attempted to ban all British acts in 1965, as they saw their emerging rock ‘n’ roll culture as “dangerous” to the youth of the nation. The Beatles were also highly progressive in their music style, and incorporated many new and unusual recording techniques into their albums. This ongoing theme of progressive thinking and “peace and love” apparent in the music of The Beatles is very in line with the nature of Aquarius.

Later, in the early 1990s, grunge bands were the new emerging music trend. A number of grunge rock bands all released major hit albums around the same time: right around Saturn’s transit through rebellious Aquarius. In 1991, Pearl Jam released their debut album Ten, followed by Nirvana releasing their second album Nevermind, and then Soundgarden with Badmotorfinger– all within a span of two months! All three albums were incredibly successful, and resonated strongly with the Aquarian counterculture and anti-establishment ideas brought out by the earlier generation in the early 1960s. Then in 1992, Alice in Chains released their second studio album, Dirt, which is considered by many to be their best work. Also released in 1992, Stone Temple Pilots debuted with their first studio album, Core, which received mixed reviews, though it went on to win a Grammy in 1994 for Best Hard Rock Performance. Nirvana received a lot of attention and success in the early 90s as well, and Kurt Cobain was dubbed “the voice of a generation” by many. Similar to The Beatles influence on counterculture, Kurt Cobain’s darker lyrical content touched many listeners’ hearts on a deeper level than the earlier hair metal had been able to.

In the next few years in music, we’re likely to see younger emerging artists, similar to Billie Eilish, who has an Aquarius Moon, taking over the scene with some revolutionary new ideas and social commentary in their lyrics.

Though Aquarius is a masculine sign, I’ve also noticed a pattern with emerging feminist movements during these transits due to the focus on equal human rights. The second wave of feminism began picking up speed around 1963, when two major works of feminist writing were published: The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath and The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan. Both works were largely critical of the typical role of a female as a domestic housekeeper/mother figure in 1960s society. These works encouraged women to pursue careers that they felt passionately about for the first time. Also in 1963, journalist Gloria Steinem became a prominent figure in feminist culture after going undercover as a Playboy Bunny and revealing the poor treatment and underpayment of the waitresses at the Playboy Club.

In the early 1990s, during Saturn’s next transit through Aquarius, the third wave of feminism began to emerge. While second-wave feminism dealt primarily with issues surrounding equal opportunities for [predominantly white] women in the workplace, this third wave of feminism dealt with issues regarding intersectional feminism, violence against women and reproductive/sexual freedom. A trend of reclaiming “derogatory” female terms (for example: bitch, slut, whore) began largely with the Riot grrrl movement in punk music, popularized by female-constructed bands like Bikini Kill and Bratmobile, as a way of expressing feminine identity on their own terms.

Feminine power is already on the rise again, with Uranus having moved into feminine Taurus a couple years ago and still having several more years to go on that transit. Women in power will do great things with that power, and more women will come to be in power over the next few years with Saturn in this sign. Whether it be individual political power, or power in numbers, women around the world will come together and rise to power from now until 2023. Another trend I expect to see play out while Saturn transits Aquarius these next few years as well is that of gender revolution. With the gender roles of the past melting away, a revolution is roaring around the corner, and gender queer/LGBTQ+ identifying people will likely score a few big victories in the upcoming Aquarian transit.

Another theme I noticed through Saturn’s transit of Aquarius in the early 1960s was a theme of national independence and freedom. In August of 1962, the colony of Jamaica became independent, freeing Jamaicans from the United Kingdom after 300 years of British rule. In October that same year, Uganda also became independent from the UK. Then, in 1963, Kenya declared independence from the UK as well. Meanwhile, the Dominican Republic and Zanzibar both experienced major revolutions during this time frame in search of freedom. This trend continued in the early 90s, with many countries, including Lithuania, Ukraine, Latvia and Estonia, all declaring their independence from the USSR in 1991.

It’s likely that we will see many more uprisings and movements towards independence, including the United States’ Pluto return in 2022/2023, which is expected to be a revolutionary moment for the history of the country.

These are the kinds of themes we are likely to see re-emerging until March 2023, while Saturn roams through free-spirited Aquarius. Technological innovations are going to be increasingly involved with our lives, as the internet of things develops further. Television will trend towards witty humor and social criticism, as it did the previous few times Saturn was in Aquarius. Civil rights movements will be center-stage, writing more groundbreaking history into our textbooks, while the future leans towards figures who are genderqueer, females, diverse, and/or of color, rather than in favor of the cis-gender/heterosexual white male. Mainstream music will take on its own social commentary within the industry. Independence of the individual as well as the nation will be stressed in the coming years. Saturn feels confident in this sign, and we should too, moving forward into Saturn’s “Age of Aquarius” with hope for a better future.

[eclecticash22]

🔮 November Month Ahead Reading 🃏

Take a moment to breathe. Take three deep breaths, and look over each pile. Which one do you keep going back to? Follow your intuition and choose the one you are most drawn to.

Pile 1 - White Piece & Rope | Pile 2 - Green Piece & Lead Pipe | Pile 3 - Red Piece and Candlestick | Pile 4 - Yellow Piece & Wrench | Pile 5 - Blue Piece & Dagger | Pile 6 - Purple Piece & Revolver

Pile 1 - Mrs. White

Hello Pile One! So immediately I'm getting that this month is a good time to open up and pay attention to the things that have been trying to get your attention. I do feel like there are things you haven't noticed that now need you to see them.

This month I see you going through a transition and engaging in self growth. I see you being more confident in your abilities and really feeling on top of things. I see you feeling relief this month as well, like things are balancing out. There is also a message here of balance, so I feel things will straighten out and calm down, leading you to feel balanced. Again, there is a message to pay attention to what needs your attention. Try to focus on what is important this month. Touching back on that self growth message, allow yourself to let go of things that no longer serve you and the things that hurt you. We cannot dwell forever, we must move forward. And for many of you, now is the time to let yourself move forward.

Charms: I see that self growth message again. Face your emotions and face what has been bothering you. It isn't easy, but it is worth it to heal. Also, take time out this month to have fun. Find a new hobby, have a movie night and eat your favorite snacks, go out and have fun (if it is safe to do so and as long as you're being safe). Whatever it is, have fun.

Runes: You are coming into abundance this month! There are also new beginnings and prosperity coming forth, as well as change.

Important Numbers: 5, 2, 17, 10, 12, 21

Important Letters: N, K, Q, M, F, W, W, Z, N, U

Shufflemancy Songs: Maniac by Conan Gray | Two Young Hearts by Sabrina Carpenter | Joanne by Lady Gaga | S.O.S. by Rihanna

Pile 2 - Mr. Green

Hello Pile 2! This month you may be feeling a bit more confident and you may be setting clearer boundaries. You may also be communicating more clearly with others this month. On top of this, you may be feeling very emotional this month. You may feel things very strongly this month, but want to shut those emotions down and ignore them. But that is not the path to take, pile two. Instead, face your emotions head on. It may not be comfortable, but you can do it. This month, I also see an end to a cycle for you, but a new one beginning soon after. You may be getting a job you wanted or a promotion, or you may be getting into a new relationship or moving to a next level in a current romantic relationship. Whatever this is, pay attention to how you're feeling. Address how you're feeling and allow yourself to take a break, talk things out, etc. Finally, pile two, I am seeing that this month you should allow your beauty to shine. You are an incredible human being and you are so beautiful and worthy of goodness. Allow your light to shine this month.

Charms: Immediately what is standing out to me here is communication. With your cards it is hinted at as well. Communicate your needs and desires this month, pile 2. This could also be a message that someone may be communicating with you or reaching out to you this month. Bottled up emotions may end up spilling, and this could have something to do with the communication message. There is commitment here- this may be a specific message for a handful of people, but some of you may be getting engaged/married this month. For others, this could indicate you entering into a committed relationship. Take time to relax this month. Face your emotions. Look at the bright side of things.

Runes: Prosperity. Something is being left up to fate. Joy. Romance.

Important Numbers: 7, 11, 10, 15, 13, 22

Important Letters: A, B, G, Q, M, B, S, V, I, Q

Shufflemancy Songs: Hold It Against Me by Britney Spears | Mustang Kids by Zella Day | Kiss the Girl (cover) by Ashley Tisdale | You're My Best Friend by Queen

Pile 3 - Miss Scarlet

Hello Pile Three! I see that November is a good month to work towards what you want in life. You have the skills, you have the tools, and you are ready to work towards what you want. This will require you to work through self healing and to release things that no longer serve you. Do not hold onto negative emotions, but rather work through them and release them. It isn't always easy or comfortable, but it is needed in order for us to grow. This is necessary in order for you to progress towards what you want in life. This month I also see you finding something you really love. Whether this be a sense of independence, a new relationship, a new friendship, a new job, a new hobby, etc. Finally, pile three, I see this month is a good one to stand up for yourself and what you believe in. But choose your battles wisely. Avoid petty arguments, but continue to stand up for what you believe. Take initiative.

Charms: Let go of the past. You are strong and protected; your guides and angels are with you. Try not to be super stubborn or hard headed. Know your worth and know you're amazing. Something is unfolding in your life. Don't allow others to disturb your inner peace.

Runes: Success. Support. You are protected by your angels. Conflict. Adversity. Positive Outcome. Satisfaction. Awareness.

Important Numbers: 20, 27, 28, 20, 22, 28

Important Letters: X, E, J, X, K, V, G, D, O, K

Shufflemancy Songs: Save My Soul by JoJo | Love Me Two Times by The Doors | All We Have is Love by Sabrina Carpenter | Eh, Eh by Lady Gaga

Pile 4 - Colonel Mustard

Hello Pile Four! I'm seeing a lot of defensive energy for this month. Remember, stand up for yourself and what you believe in. Don't let others run over you. But choose battles wisely and try to remain calm. There is an energy here about looking back on things from the past. The message here is to allow yourself to move on from your past. Let go of what doesn't serve you and allow yourself to let go of negative and toxic energies. Find balance in your life, and don't allow others to disturb the balance you have. Things are going to be just fine. Believe in that and know that better things are coming your way. I see you may be undergoing some sort of transformation this month. Be flexible and adaptable. This month may also be am important one to let your friends and/or partner know how much they mean to you. This may also be a good month to make the first move if you find yourself crushing on someone.

Charms: Nurture yourself. Let go of negative attachments. Know you control your life and how you feel. New beginnings. Give love and be persistent in order to reach your goals.

Runes: Gifts. Skills. Prosperity. Disruption. Sudden Loss. Something is being left up to fate.

Important Numbers: 6, 14, 16, 13, 22, 9

Important Letters: B, U, W, Z, F, Q, U, J, Q, M

Shufflemancy Songs: The Way You Make Me Feel by Micheal Jackson | Hollaback Girl by Gwen Steffani | One by Lewis Capaldi | You Deserve Better by James Arthur

Pile 5 - Mrs. Peacock

Hello Pile Five! This month I see you feeling very in control of things. You're feeling driven and determined. You're using clear thought and focus to make decisions. This will lead you to success. You may have been feeling down or rough lately. Like maybe things are just going wrong, but I see you getting back up and continuing to work hard towards your goals. Keep going after what you want and do what makes you happy. Find inspiration and use that to stay determined. There is a message here to keep going! You are capable of creating the life you want and reaching the goals you have. Stay focused, pile five! Do not allow self doubt or a false self image being you down. You are worthy of greatness and you are capable of greatness. You are incredible and amazing and you can do whatever you set out to do. Don't forget it, friend!

Charms: Know you are loved. Love yourself. Nurture yourself. Nurture your inner child. You control how you feel and you control your life. Be careful. Think positively. Listen to some feel good music.

Runes: Renewal. Dreams. Success. Shield. Support. Passion. Vitality. Courage. Instinct.

Important Numbers: 13, 10, 12, 14, 5, 26

Important Letters: X, L, A, L, B, N, C, I, F, F

Shufflemancy Songs: Father by Demi Lovato | Why by Sabrina Carpenter | Detroit Rock City by KISS | Stronger by Kelly Clarkson

Pile 6 - Professor Plum

Hello Pile Six! This month, I see you moving forward. Moving forward past a situation that has left you feeling stuck, regretful, or sad. Things are falling into place for you to move forward and continue on to achieving goals. Remember, do not dwell on the past. It has already happened, and we can't change it. What we can do is fix it or choose to let it go. I do see you moving forward to a better place. There is a lot of energy here about moving on to something better. There is also energy here of success. Approach things with fearlessness (but still be careful and use your sense). Don't be afraid to try new things or go after what you want in life. Stay determined and don't allow others to disturb your peace. You are on the right path. Know that life is an unknown journey that we must go down. The unknown may be a bit frightening at times, we must approach it with bravery. Find your inner peace.

Charms: Knowledge and learning. Moving forward. Friendships. Seeing something you didn't see before. Something being revealed to you. Adventure. Curiosity. Picking something. Choices. Overcoming obstacles. Good things happening in life. Success.

Runes: Leadership. Truth. Wisdom. Confrontation. Turning Point. Death (metaphorical). Wealth. Prosperity.

Important Numbers: 17, 14, 19, 24, 15, 24

Important Letters: P, G, Y, X, P, I, R, T, Q, Z

Shufflemancy Songs: Bad Guy by Billie Eilish | Tough Lover by Christina Aguilera | Don't Stop the Music by Rihanna | Bad Liar by Selena Gomez

*** All Groups ***

Thank you so much for your time today! I hope you have such a wonderful day and an incredible month ahead ❤❤❤

*This reading is for the collective. If it resonates- awesome! If it doesn't resonate- that is okay. Take what does resonate and/or pick another pile.

* This reading is for entertainment purposes. This can not tell you are exact future. I am also not responsible for any decisions you choose to make. Any and all decisions you make are 100% your own.

[the-melting-world]

Strength | Playbook Commentary [Side B]

Need to catch up? The full album can be found here: Strength

Note: Song lyric application may not always correspond with the original meaning / intention of the song’s origins.

Enjoy these breakdowns of the lyrics that influenced and inspired some of the events and imagery used in Strength. All songs are borrowed from Blanco White’s albums On the Other Side, Colder Heavens, and Nocturne EP.

cw: mentions of pregnancy

~ Side B Playlist ~

"Chasing Dials"

"Samara"

"The Lily"

"Colder Heavens"

"El Búho"

"November Rain"

"So Certain"

"Nocturne"

****

“Chasing Dials”

Lyrics that had the most impact on the chapter:

Chasing dials, it ain't ever enough / No, no, no, it ain't ever enough

One life, smothering the whispers and sounds / Waiting as the hand comes back around / So seek while you can and run it down / Or the time is lost, forgotten in the crowd / Or the missing time will be lost / And like me, you won't know how

Commentary

“Chasing dials, it ain't ever enough / No, no, no, it ain't ever enough” – Not only do these lines capture the tone and message of this fic, but they also establish one of the major themes in the album. Khleo has been “chasing” her dream of owning a beer garden for most of her adult life. Every year, she’s reminded that no matter how much progress she has made, she’s nowhere close to achieving her goals. The “dials” connect to ideas of endless cycles.

“One life, smothering the whispers and sounds / Waiting as the hand comes back around / So seek while you can and run it down” – Khleo often feels like the struggle/hustle of her position in life makes it hard to pay attention to her goals and dreams. Life has a way of “smothering” the “whispers and sounds” – those small voices in her head telling her to keep going or pursuing her dream. Khleo often feels like she’s caught in this cycle of “waiting as the hand comes back around” but even though it gets exhausting, she always pulls herself back up to go after what she wants “seek while you can and run it down.”

****

“Samara”

Lyrics that had the most impact on the chapter:

I need no rest / In my mind, we're alone / You said, "Life is a long road" / Was I just waiting to arrive / For one day by your side?

Has my time ended to say so? / Has my time ended? Would I know? / Has my time ended to say so? / Has my time ended? Time to let you know

Commentary

“I need no rest” – When asked by the Strength Major Arcana if she wants to have a seat on her throne, Khleo turns her down and keeps running up the hills of her patron’s gate.

“Has my time ended to say so? / Has my time ended? Would I know?” – These lyrics reflect what Lucio’s going through at this stage in his own journey. He’s sort of in a state of limbo and doesn’t really know where or how he fits in the communities that he’s passing through. He’s still trying to figure out if he has a say in what’s going to happen to him or in how his life will play out.

****

“The Lily”

Lyrics that had the most impact on the chapter:

Now they tell me she’s just vanished / Some other place by the sea / But to me she was banished / By herself not by me

Lily spoke of a city’s bones / An ancient rubble of time and stone / Where the walls tremor under the sky / Covered day after day by the tide / Could I save them if I tried? / If only I could

Commentary

“Now they tell me she’s just vanished / Some other place by the sea” – These lyrics reflect Samira’s behavior in the chapters leading up to her confiding in Khleo about her pregnancy. She has been keeping it a secret from her coworkers and her boss. One way this is shown is her “vanishing” from social events like the New Year’s Day bar crawl in the “Chasing Dials” chapter, in which her friends were staying up late drinking and partying.

“But to me she was banished / By herself not by me” – Samira has chosen to keep her baby for reasons undisclosed to Khleo or anyone else. She’s determined to pay for her passage across the ocean to get to her sister in Nevivon so she can have and raise the child comfortably. The word “banished” echoes society’s inflexibility when it comes to single parents, especially young ones without an education or a traditional family there to support them. “By herself not by me” once again emphasizes the fact that by choosing to keep her child, Samira is essentially accepting to enter a world of decreased opportunities. No matter how hard she works or how healthy/competent of a parent she is, her current situation will not support her transition to motherhood without significant costs to her and her unborn child’s standard of living.

****

“Colder Heavens”

Lyrics that had the most impact on the chapter:

Now we’re so tired by the things we have seen / All we’ve forgotten only visits in dreams / How I misunderstood / Here I stand undressed / Here I confess my doubt

Only once I saw the killer / Once I saw the killer up close

If colder heavens come / Carry me further down / Where our madness rests / Where I’ll have less to doubt

Commentary

“Now we’re so tired by the things we have seen / All we’ve forgotten only visits in dreams” – These lyrics reflect Khleo’s origins as a fighter. In some ways she has grown “tired” of the challenges that cross her path to test her mettle or in which she has to defend her territory. This can be seen in her fight against the raiders. She doesn’t want glory or a title. She just wants them to leave her patrons alone so she can peacefully run her club. “All we’ve forgotten only visits in dreams” echoes the beginning of the chapter that shows a young Khleo who does not even have the strength to lift her arms, let alone pull off the feats of strength that she does later on in the story.

“Only once I saw the killer / Once I saw the killer up close” – These lyrics connect to Khleo giving into the temptation of wrath during her fight with the raiders. Usually, she’s careful about downplaying her abilities to heal and regenerate, but in this moment she is seeing “the killer up close” and embracing the darker side of her nature in order to solve the conflict.

“If colder heavens come / Carry me further down / Where our madness rests / Where I’ll have less to doubt” – I really like this idea of Khleo’s fight club being this sort of “colder heaven” in the sense that she can use it as an escape, but it’s still “cold” in that if word gets out about it, it can lead to dangerous territory. The club also comes with a lot of negative history from when Khleo was a street fighter. “Where our madness rests / Where I’ll have less to doubt” once again emphasizes the fact that Khleo uses fight club to unleash her inner beast in a safe space, so to speak. She doesn’t have to doubt herself as much as she does when she’s working during the day.

****

“El Búho”

Lyrics that had the most impact on the chapter:

In the night I hear them call, Move in the dark, their shapes unfold, In these eyes I quiver, darker still In closed doors / Don’t speak like you were there

This time I’m torn, please wake me if I lose that face / Search in these eyes / There’s still fire in the darkness / And rooms of light

Still I dream in greens and blues / Days that break and skies that move / Memory’s eyes that quiver

Commentary

“In the night I hear them call / Move in the dark, their shapes unfold, In these eyes I quiver, darker still in closed doors / Don’t speak like you were there” – These lyrics are all about Khleo once again getting in touch with the darker parts of herself that are associated with enraged beasts. They also speak to Lucio’s experience with Valdemar, who shows up to claim Lucio and rip him away from the support system that he’s been developing during his time with Khleo.

“This time I’m torn, please wake me if I lose that face / Search in these eyes / There’s still fire in the darkness / And rooms of light” – Khleo is being violently separated from her biggest support system and source of emotional stability – Hefe. Khleo’s familiar has been the one to redirect her when she’s at risking at “losing that face” or giving into her darker side. “There’s still fire in the darkness” connects to the imagery of the fireplace, which serves as the real world equivalent of Khleo’s throne back in Strength’s realm. The imagery and connection between the throne and the hearth play a major role in this chapter.

“Still I dream in greens and blues / Days that break and skies that move / Memory’s eyes that quiver” – When everything has been taken away from Khleo at the end, they still try to return to Strength’s gate, where they know they can rest. But without Hefe, they cannot reach that realm.

****

“November Rain”

Lyrics that had the most impact on the chapter:

Don’t you wish it was clear? / I’ve been thinking these thoughts for years now / No not all’s been forgotten / Don’t you wish you were here?

I long for the tide’s straight line / Out on the shore / A bitter line, a solid wall / Never to fall

Commentary

“Don’t you wish it was clear? / I’ve been thinking these thoughts for years now / No, not all’s been forgotten / Don’t you wish you were here?” – This chapter begins with another flashback from Khleo’s past. In this one, Khleo’s adoptive father, Hans, gives some insight into Khleo’s internal conflict. Khleo associates Hans with all the things that she finds nostalgic and things that bring her joy. Her dreams of her childhood are a safe place that she often wishes she could return to, even though the reader doesn’t always explicitly see Khleo reminiscing.

“I long for the tide’s straight line / Out on the shore / A bitter line, a solid wall / Never to fall” – Now that Hefe is gone, Khleo feels like she has even less answers on how to deal with forces that make her life harder. She longs for a “straight line” to get the things she wants. And the promise that she will “never fall” or fail at trying to achieve her dreams.

****

“So Certain”

Lyrics that had the most impact on the chapter:

Do we see the world with eyes alone? / Here it feels like there's a house that I've always known / So certain that something reminds me / Of a place and time that were only in my dreams

Is the real world ever known? / Here it feels like I'm an exile who's coming home

Commentary

“Do we see the world with eyes alone? / Here it feels like there's a house that I've always known” – As seen in Khleo’s reading with Asra, it’s clear that she has a very strong, unique connection to the Arcana, but she doesn’t know how to describe it or fully understands her own connection to the Strength card

“So certain that something reminds me / Of a place and time that were only in my dreams” – These lyrics once again echo the familiarity Khleo experiences when they look upon the Strength card. Even though Khleo has been to Strength’s gate many times and was even, in a sense, born there, it’s still a place that they only register as a dream.

****

"Nocturne”

Lyrics that had the most impact on the chapter:

And time fell away with the sound of each step / If the stars align then for us they were meant in the lunar sky

About time for a night away – I never saw the day come / When they dream again

Commentary

“And time fell away with the sound of each step / If the stars align then for us they were meant in the lunar sky” – These lyrics are not so significant in meaning, but rather capture the vibe of what’s going on in Nadia’s vision with the High Priestess. Whenever Nadia or anyone in these fics have interactions with their patrons, time and reality have a way of splitting as the character gets in touch with more cosmic energies.

“About time for a night away – I never saw the day come / When they dream again” – Once again the theme of night is emphasized here, as it is in the title. However, where darkness was regarded as something that one should avoid (Khleo’s rage, the abuse she suffers in the darkness of the basement, Lucio’s imprisonment in the basement of the Lazaret, etc) now it means something more hopeful (night holds darkness, but it also promises the day/dawn). This can be seen at the end of the chapter when Khleo is recovering from a very bloody fight. She has a moment with Kipling, who encourages Khleo to keep going even though she’s totally defeated. In the last lines, Khleo is waking up to the morning light and clings to those feelings of hope after reading the poem that Kip left her.

[yegarts]

“I Am YEG Arts” Series: AJA Louden, Co-Lead Artist for Paint the Rails

Set achievable goals. When most people hear this, they likely think about getting their steps in or cooking more meals at home. Not AJA Louden. His goal? Making cities more inspiring, informed, and thoughtful through the compassionate use of art and design. And he’s achieving it. Louden’s spray-painted portraits and murals have been boldly transforming our city’s everyday walls into landmarks for more than a decade.

When Louden’s not painting, he’s likely teaching others how to at his Aerosol Academy, a workshop that explores art-making and art history through the lens of graffiti and street art. But that’s just the beginning. Louden’s desire to bring a collaborative, multi-narrative approach to contemporary urban muralism can also be seen at LRT stations around Edmonton, thanks to a project called Paint the Rails (PTR), a collaboration with Edmonton Transit Service and the John Humphrey Centre for Peace and Human Rights.

Paint the Rails: Conversations on colonization, reclamation, and reconciliation through art, is not only a legacy project of Canada 150+, but also a tangible commitment to bring to life the stories of Edmonton’s cultural communities through art and education. The plan of action? Paint LRT stations across Edmonton with imagery that interprets the stories and traditions of the Elders, historians, knowledge keepers, and cultural communities represented by each location. Ambitious? Yes! But neither AJA Louden nor the John Humphrey Centre has ever considered “hard” a reason for not doing something. Lifting up our shared stories, amplifying voices, and changing perceptions—this week’s “I Am Yeg Arts” story belongs to AJA Louden.

Tell us about your connection to Edmonton and what keeps you living and working here?

I grew up here in Alberta and moved to Edmonton in the early 2000’s for school. Some of the things that keep me living and working here are my relationships, my work, and the food. Food has always been a big inspiration for me as an artist, and there’s so much good food here! Edmonton has long been a place of creative exchange, and I’m excited to help keep that spirit alive through public art.

How did you become involved with Paint the Rails, and why did it resonate with you? 

I’ve been working with the John Humphrey Centre for Peace and Human Rights (JHC) for years. When I think about the power of addressing the human condition through art and stories, I think organizations like the JHC do an invaluable job of helping to identify whose stories are missing from our public discourse and amplifying these voices to give us a more accurate reflection of who we are. The Paint The Rails project resonated with me immediately because it was an opportunity to use public art to lift up our shared stories and bring them into the present. The methods of mentorship and community consultation we worked with throughout the project changed how I work as an artist and helped me understand how to connect with people at a deeper level. I began researching Augmented Reality (AR) part way through the

Paint The Rails project and self-funded the AR programming and animations until we were able to obtain a grant—I did this because I believe in the value of this project for adding beauty and meaning to our shared spaces. Each location is now a digital community history resource, as well as a wall mural!

What do you think it is about story that brings us together?

We use stories to help understand ourselves and our communities. People often define themselves through a series of stories that explain who they are and how they came to be that way. Communities use stories in the same way. Stories can be guides for how to interact—our cultures are built up of shared stories, which act as scaffolds for meaning. When we share stories widely, we can start to understand the world from other points of view, which can bring us together and give us a sense of cohesion and group membership that’s valuable. A big part of the human experience is a search for meaning and purpose in our lives, and stories can be powerful tools on this journey.

How do large-scale murals and street art play to your strengths as a storyteller?

Stories have power when they are shared, and the scale and accessibility of large-scale art in public spaces allows a larger audience to engage with a story. When work is in a gallery behind a paywall, audiences have the benefit of a dedicated space in which to absorb or reflect on the art, but these spaces often leave out those who can’t afford or don’t feel welcome in that kind of environment. Street art and murals have the potential to reach people who don’t as often engage or connect with art in galleries or institutions. Growing up, I didn’t see myself reflected in the art classes I took in school, but when I found graffiti and street art, I started to see the world in a new way.

Why was mentorship a key element in Paint the Rails, and what do you hope you’ve shared?

Mentorship is key because I see artists as an important part of a functioning society. By sharing what I’ve learned with the next generation, I can help our craft stay relevant, cohesive, and present. We all stand on the shoulders of those who came before us, and a rising tide lifts all ships. As artists we need to hold each other accountable, and part of that includes building each other up and celebrating our individual wins as wins for the collective craft.

Tell us about someone who’s been a mentor to you.

Dawn Saunders Dahl has taught me a lot about the industry of art, and when/how to play by the rules, while pushing boundaries that need to be pushed. Working with her I learned about process, particularly how to build a plan that had structure but also flexibility.

Jason Botkin was really helpful to me in getting a closer look at the life of a full-time muralist. I met him when The Works brought En Masse to Edmonton. He was really kind and generous with his time, invited me to come hang out in Montréal for Mural Festival, and also connected me with a lot of people in Miami for the two years I attended Art Basel to paint. Huge thanks to both Dawn and Jason, as well as the other informal mentors I’ve had over the years who have made me better.

Why was a free Paint the Rails app vital to this project?

The app was vital to this project because it allowed us to capture more of what each community shared with us and reflect it back into the world. As the first Augmented Reality community mural project in Edmonton, it’s allowed us to create an additional point of interest for the project and to attract new eyes. As an artist, I’m always interested in trying out new mediums and looking for ways to bring important stories to new eyes. One of my favourite parts of the app relates to language—we worked with Cree linguist Naomi Macllwraith, a student of Dorothy Thunder, to record the Cree names of each of the local animals depicted in our U of A LRT station mural, titled Sipiy (River). When you activate the app at that site, you can hear the correct pronunciation of each of the animal names—something that a wall mural wouldn’t normally be able to share.

What excites you most about the YEG arts scene right now?

Growth and potential. I think Edmonton is joining the world in starting to understand the place that murals, unsanctioned street art, and graffiti can occupy as a valuable part of the public art scene. More institutions and business owners are getting excited about art in our shared spaces, and thanks to the building boom in the 70’s, we have a lot of wall space to use as canvasses so we can share our stories as a city.

What has working with the John Humphrey Centre for Peace and Human Rights taught you about yourself?

Working with the JHC has taught me a lot about process and community connection. I’m as interested in being a conduit for expressing a community’s vision as I am about telling my own stories, and I have a much stronger working knowledge of how to ask for, receive, and honour stories from different groups of people. I look forward to the next stages of our collaboration!

You visit Edmonton 20 years from now. What do you hope has changed? What do you hope has stayed the same?

I hope the locally owned restaurant industry is still strong, creative, evolving, and inspiring. One of my favourite things to do with friends and family who visit is take them for great food. I hope we’re culturally still vibrant, even more connected, and retain a combination of the strong work ethic, creative vision, and resourcefulness that has helped define us so far. I look forward to seeing how we continue to redefine our city as the world changes and how we tell our stories in new ways.

Want more YEG Arts Stories? We’ll be sharing them here all year and on social media using the hashtag #IamYegArts. Follow along! Click here to discover more about AJA Louden, and visit the John Humphrey Centre for Peace and Human Rights website for info about Paint the Rails, their app, and other JHC initiatives.

About AJA Louden

AJA Louden (AJA sounds like 'Ajay,’ short for Adrian Joseph Alexander) is an artist based in amiskwaciwâskahikan (Treaty 6, Edmonton, Alberta). Born to a family tree with roots split between Jamaica and Canada, Louden is a child of contrast. Bold and arresting freehand spray-

painted portraits of pop-culture figures from Jimi Hendrix and Richard Nixon to local heroes like Rollie Miles often alternate with hand-lettered designs and vibrant patterns borne of a background in graffiti. Louden looks to bring a multifaceted, collaborative, and multi-narrative approach to contemporary urban muralism.

A background in the sciences, including biology, chemistry, psychology, and sociology is a major influence on the concepts and processes behind his work. A few years designing custom metal signage and a childhood full of building wooden skateboard ramps intensified AJA’s interest in industrial design and the built environment. His work can be found around the province of Alberta where he lives and works. A travel lover, Louden has also created work in several other countries, including Berlin, Barcelona, Florence, Prague, and the UK.

[whatwouldmindykdo]

I wrote a little something about coming to terms with my sexuality and thought I’d share it here...

For as long as I can remember I’ve dreamt of my wedding day. As soon as I was able to comprehend the concept of wedding and marriage it became my only goal, my ultimate achievement: I wanted, I needed to get married. This would make me successful and prove my worthiness. I would be happy forever. And so, for years, I’d spend hours imagining the magical day: the dress, of course, and its designer, the venue, the guests, the music, the menu, the bridal party, the decor. And of course, the groom. Because it was always a groom. However, I would find it extremely difficult to imagine him. I could think of qualities I would look for in a partner, but that was it. Looking back now, I think that, more than any of these things, what I dreamt of was being loved and being in love. I was just hoping to find the kind of unconditional love I grew up surrounded by. Not a person but a feeling. An ideal. 

I grew up in what you would probably call a liberal family. My parents are very open-minded, left-wing voters and I grew up having political debates at the dinner table. But it was always about tolerance. Every love is love, they would say. Everyone deserves to be happy, they would say.

This, however, was not true for them growing up. Both my parents grew up in working class families and worked their way into the middle class. As liberal as my parents are, their own parents were rather conservative in thought. 

My father’s parents had grown up on farms. Their own parents, my great-grandparents, lived a life I cannot even begin to comprehend. After the Second World War, as life was changing everywhere, and especially in the countryside, my grandparents left for the city (well, a city, not THE city) to work in factories. They were deeply religious and my father was raised a Catholic. However, he also enjoyed great freedom. He was free to come and go, almost as he wished, to play with his brother and friends. He was free not to work in school, drop out after middle school and go on to work with his father. Which he did, for a while, until he realized he didn’t want to do that his entire life. In other words, he was free to fail, and try again. Would it had been the same thing had he been a girl? We will never know, as he was one of two boys. 

My mother, on the other hand, was not. Her grandparents had been mining workers, as almost everyone in the area. Her own parents had been saved from this life, and pushed to look for work in other industries. They had married young and my mother was the eldest of two. Her parents were heavily involved in political and union movements, pushing for workers’ rights. This gave her an awareness of the political situation and an ideal of what is achievable when you work for it. My mother, however, is also a woman. And as such, her parents expected her to behave a certain way. 

She was expected to be the perfect little girl. Calm, pretty, smiling. Not to take too much space. Do well in school. Be polite. And so my mother tried her best to be this ideal girl. She excelled in school, practiced many sports, and took it upon herself to keep the family together and happy. She eventually went on to work and had to move out to another city, but always close to family as she was sharing an apartment with her aunt. When she found another job closer to her parents, she moved back home. Eventually, she met my father. They dated for a couple of years, but moving in together was unfathomable. Not before marriage. And that’s how my parents ended up married without having ever lived together, something I honestly find quite hard to imagine. Her brother, on the other hand, lived a life closer to my dad’s. He could not roam the streets or drop out of school but he did leave high school without graduating, moving out to work away and never looked back. He introduced many girlfriends to his parents before eventually having a child and getting married, in that order. 

My parents would probably tell you that they raised me and my brother the same way. That not more was expected of me. That I could do the exact same thing he did. And to some extent that is true. We were both expected to excel in school. To be polite and respectful. We were both told we could dream of being whoever we wanted to be. But what had been instilled to my mother was also, somehow, perhaps more sneakily, taught to me. I also had to be the perfect little girl, no excuses. The one that doesn’t move. The one that doesn’t scream or make a scene. The one that helps at home. As Michelle Cliff says in Notes on Speechlessness, ‘I am reminded that a great compliment of my childhood was: ‘she’s such a quiet girl’’.

Instead of rebelling against this system I made it mine: it was my way of taking up space. My way of being remarkable. I was expected to excel at school: I was top of the class. I was expected to be calm and discreet: I would literally never speak. Even today it takes a lot for me to be able to do things I know my parents disapprove. Because I have built myself through others’ approval, and then who am I once they don’t approve? 

What does that have to do with being a lesbian, you may wonder. See, I knew about lesbians. I knew about gays. It was not entirely unknown to me. I saw them on the news, we talked about them at home. But no one in my family was gay, lesbian or part of the LGBTQI+ community, at least not openly. That was not what we did. As much as my family rebelled against capitalistic society, we were expected to conform in certain areas, and this was one. We, as a family, are heterosexuals. And so I unconsciously associated being a good girl to being heterosexual. 

I don’t remember the first time I heard of the LGBTQI+ community, nor do I remember the first time I had a crush on a girl. I am quite sure she was my primary school best friend. I very clearly remember wondering whether I was in love with her or whether that was just how you felt for your best friend (hint: I kinda knew the answer). And so, little me moved on with life. Eventually the feeling wore out, and there was a very intense and dramatic fall out. But that was it, no more questions about my sexuality. Not until I was well into my teenage years, at least. When I made it to university I had began what I would call my transformative journey, learning extensively about feminism, inclusivity and human rights. I was passionate about these subjects and wanted to learn more, and more. I surrounded myself with people who were open-minded, teaching me about these very topics, and, for some of them, part of the LGBTQI+ community. At about this time I began identifying as pansexual or bisexual. I have never been really sure about this. There was no major coming out though. I just stated here and there that I thought love was about a person and their soul, not their gender. Even though I was identifying as pansexual / bisexual, the doubt never really left. I felt ill-at-ease with the identification. Maybe I’m not into labels, I’d think. Maybe. 

Deep down, I knew. I think I’d always known. I would get major crushes on women in films and TV shows. Maybe that’s just identification. I could hardly imagine being in a relationship with a man. Maybe I just haven’t met THE one. I would feel uncomfortable whenever a man flirted with me. Maybe I’m just not into him. 

I just couldn’t imagine being a lesbian. And that’s not to say that I could fathom the very existence of lesbians. I knew they existed, I had a friend as they say. I truly believed that all love is love. What I couldn’t accept was that I was a lesbian. How could I not like men? Good girls like men. Good girls are straight. Good girls get married TO A MAN, and have children WITH A MAN. No way. I must be pansexual. Or bisexual. Not lesbian. 

Funnily enough, the pandemic was a big transitional time for me. I was able to truly connect with myself. Away from the world and the mundanities of everyday life, focusing on what really matters for the first time, I came to a realization. I do not like men. I do not find pleasure in imagining a relationship with a man. This realization was validated by experience. I signed up on a dating app (what??? I know, don’t judge). My immediate reaction was to set up my preferences to women  only (that should have been another hint right?!). However, almost immediately I changed those preferences to everyone (men and women). Why? Because, I thought, by excluding men I might miss out on the one (he’s always somewhere). What if I miss on the opportunity of happily ever after because I renounce to dating half of humanity? And oh boy did I regret that. I was instantly contacted by half the male population of my surroundings (the joys of being on a dating app) and it really felt like it was not for me. I was feeling miserable rather than happy, anxious rather than excited. I switched back to women only and I have felt safer and more myself ever since. 

I guess you could say that I have been feeling rather at peace with who I am. I have come out to a few (selected) friends, in the least dramatic way possible (well, they also are the least dramatic women I know). There remains the question, however, of coming out to family. Because although I have come to term with being a lesbian, I am still scared AF when it comes to coming out to my family and the main reason is: what if I am not lesbian after all (eye roll emoji)? The real reason, though, is that I know that as open-minded as my parents are, a coming out also means a period of adaptation, of understanding what it means exactly. And for someone like me who hates both confrontation and disappointing this feels like a big deal. Selfishly, I wish someone had been there before in my family. That I would not be the first. The trailblazer. The odd one out. The lesbian aunt. But then, I think of my little cousins. And how I could be that person for them. If I allow myself past the fear. 

Thing is, I also truly believe that I will not be able to be fully happy until I come out. I will not be truly happy until I can be who I am fully, knowing that the people who accept it are the ones who love me, for real. But what if that means losing my grandfather? What if it means that people will literally never stop talking about it? 

As much as I have talked about the hardships of coming out and coming to terms with my sexuality, I will also mention that coming to terms with this reality has been a huge relief. It has opened me to a world where love and inclusion are legion. A world where you are accepted for who you truly are. It has given me role models, values and a political awareness that I probably would not have had otherwise. In other words, being lesbian is a blessing because it is who I am, fully. And when I get to be this person, I can finally start to breathe. I can finally start to live. 

My problem lies with mainstream culture and the way it portrays lesbian relationships. I have grown up with the ability of seeing gay couples loving each other, hating each other, flirting, breaking up. Mainstream media and popular culture have very much romanticized gay relationships. What of lesbian relationships then? The reality is completely different. And how could it not be when Instagram still censored the ‘lesbians’ hashtag two weeks ago? When we only have The L Word as a reference? Where on TV and in films have lesbians been given the space and time to actually develop a relationship except in that show? And I’m not even talking about the perfect, happy relationship. Just any relationship. More than 3 minutes of screen time. You’ll have to agree that this is rather recent. 

How different would my life have been if I had seen lesbian couples on TV? How different would my life have been if people had not shied away from lesbian relationships? It is time for pop culture to be inclusive of our people. Little girls need this representation. They need to know that this kind of love exists, is normal, and brings fulfillment. I wish this had been my reality so that I wouldn’t have been mad when Casey from Atypical dumps her boyfriend to explore her relationship with Izzie. Because then perhaps I wouldn’t have been mad at her for doing that. I wouldn’t have been mad at Izzie for being honest. Because that is how deeply rooted my fear of being a lesbian was: I was mad at these two women for having the courage to explore their feelings and be true to themselves, when Casey could have had the perfect ending with Evan. And that is not ok. I need to let go of the idea that the perfect life means being in a heterosexual relationship. Because I know that this is not for me. This will not bring me fulfillment. 

[maikimhuyeen]

Beauty of heartache, M.

Six years ago, I met an amazing guy who was my first real boyfriend and relationship. To this day, he is still somebody special to me. Although our relationship is strictly platonic and a friendship now, I still cherish everything that was once "us" and to where we are in present day. Neighbors down the street.

This relationship taught me all of my firsts. First love, experience, arguments, tug of holding on and letting go, heartache, craziness. We didn't know it at the time, but we both were needing time to ourselves to grow into the people we are today. Finding ourselves. A month ago, we actually had a wholesome conversation in depth of looking back to those times, reminiscing, and seen how much we've grown as individuals.

I'm thankful for my first boyfriend to be a respectful man. Somebody who cared and first loved me. He really opened my eyes to the world. Especially proving myself wrong: not everyone that doesn't share the same belief as you is a bad person. I can't express enough how good hearted he is, well mannered, adventurous, and gentleman-like. He definitely didn't care about anybody's opinion. And such a hard worker, one of the things I've always admired. He always motivated me to do better, try new things, got me to love plantains, listened to my silliness, and to not care what others think.

When we first met, in a way we were both starting from the bottom in our career, working our way up. We both worked in the same company but different cities and actually got promoted a few days in between. We met randomly at one of the coffee shops of the company we worked at. At that time, the shop he worked at was down the street from me. I was a regular. So we were both passionate about our jobs. Something we were able to bond over with. A year or two later, after our break up, I was impressed of his growth in life and every area in it. All of his goals and plans he shared with me, it was heartwarming to see it all play out with time. This guy who was once sharing this tiny one bedroom with a few other guys trying to make it day by day is now having his own luxury place, grew so much within the company, and achieved everything he set his eyes on. I remember how proud I was of him. I've always known he was able to accomplish these things. It was bittersweet at that time to me seeing all of this, because we just couldn't do it together. All the plans we had.. we both achieved it. Just as individuals.

I had moved on from the company and continued my next chapter. I moved to a different city, started a new job, and a new life.

I broke things off the day after you talked about us moving in together, making plans. We were close to CityLine driving through this one complex you were interested in. 

Yes, I am a real heartbreaker at its finest.

I also had a lot on my plate when we were together. I was in this transition of deciding whether to start my life over vs living the life that was already planned out and expected of me. On top of that, I knew I would lose him if I decided on a certain decision. Which I did. And I instantly regretted afterwards. But one thing I valued of him was he understood through it all. He just never wanted to get in the middle of it and wanted me to choose what I thought was best for myself. Even if it was without him. Five years later, he finally told me this.

Nevertheless, throughout these years, we both moved on from each other and with our lives. We grew apart romantically but closer as friends. Something we've always had. I am truly happy for him and his now girlfriend. And hope for the best to both. One of the things we spoke on was the change I've seen in him. When we were together, although we got along well, we also had our own conflicts. He was very emotionally unavailable, career focused, and we didn't do much together due to finances and schedules. But through these years and seeing him date different people to now his present girlfriend, he's grown more. He's become more emotionally available, living his life, traveling, free spirited. He's grown into the man that I wish and had hoped he was when we were together.

Although I did not see it then, thank you for the space that was needed between us before we crossed paths again. I needed that space to painfully grow, learn, and realize certain things. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for appreciating not only my whole self, but every meal I first cooked for you. You were my number one fan and first to try everything I’ve made. Thank you for introducing me to new cultures. Though they were uncomfortable and scary at first, I learned the beauty in being different and combining the differences into something magical. Thank you for never taking advantage of me. Thank you for sharing me with everyone in your life. Thank you for allowing me to love someone for the first time, unapologetically. Even though you didn’t know what love was then like how you do now. Thank you for helping me grow into the woman I am today: groundbreaking and fearless.

You’ve definitely set the bar.

Do I wish we were together? And if we were able to go back in time to change things, would it work out? No.

I don't see us getting back together. Something I know he'd also agree with. Even with our personal growth and transitions, we would be better off as friends than lovers. I think we will still have some conflict. And as happy as we would be together, it wouldn't be true happiness. Even if we were to go back in time and did everything differently. I will always love him -- not romantically, but as a person. Because the happiness I see on him now, especially with her, is the only kind of happiness I've ever wanted for him. Something I know I wouldn't be able to give him.

Happy Birthday, Michael. 

[andromeda-sapphire]

Saturn in Aquarius: 2020-2023

Beginning later this month, on March 21, Saturn enters the revolutionary sign of Aquarius for a brief month and a half preview before it retrogrades back into Capricorn until the end of September. Then at the end of the year, on December 17, it will re-enter Aquarius for the long-haul until March of 2023. Saturn is known as the planet of limitations, boundaries, responsibilities and hard lessons, and up until now has been making its way through the restrictive and authoritarian sign of Capricorn since the beginning of 2018. Though Saturn is the ruler of earthy Capricorn and identifies well with that controlling energy, it doesn't always do it's best work in this sign. Traditionally, Saturn also rules the airy free-flowing sign of Aquarius, and tends to be very comfortable in this sign, despite how different they may seem. When Saturn enters this humanitarian sign, it evolves into a higher version of itself, capable of bringing much needed equality and change into the world. How do we know this? Well, let's take a look at the last few Saturn transits through Aquarius - from 1991 to 1994, and before that, from 1962 to 1964.

Let's begin with Saturn's transit through futuristic Aquarius back in 1962. Right off the bat, as Saturn entered the sign, the first automated (unmanned) subway train in New York City began running. Aquarius rules technology and automation, so this stood out to me as a very modern Aquarian development already. Also in 1962, Spacewar! was developed and released as the first computer game, featuring two spaceships fighting it out. Each spaceship was controlled by a player, meaning it was not only the first computer game, but also the first multi-player game for computers. Fitting, as Aquarius rules groups as well as spaceships and technology.

In the early 1990s, there were also some major technological advancements, specifically related to the internet and computers. In 1991, at the beginning of Saturn's transit through Aquarius, Apple released the PowerBook, the first modern laptop computer, which was a huge development in the computer world and has influenced our modern computers significantly in their portability and design. The WorldWide Web was technically invented in 1989, while Saturn was transiting Capricorn, and it was exclusively meant for information-sharing between scientists in institutions around the world at that time. However, in April of 1993, after Saturn had entered Aquarius, CERN made the "www" software public, accessible to anyone with a computer. This is significant because Aquarius represents freedom and equality, and though it was still mainly the upper class that could afford computers at the time, this movement away from intellectual elitism essentially opened the internet up for free public use like we have today. In 1992, ViolaWWW was released, and was the first web browser to become popularized by users. It was also the recommended browser by CERN until it was replaced by Mosaic, the first web browser to display images in line with text rather than in a new window, in 1993.

In the upcoming transit of Saturn through Aquarius, we can expect to see even more advanced technology developments. Many people are expecting Artificial Intelligence to really take off in the coming years, as well as 5G technology and space travel on a grander scale. The Internet of things is also on the rise, with smart devices and appliances becoming more readily available and more advanced.

The future of technology was on the minds of many in the early 1960s, reflected in ABC's first color animated TV series, The Jetsons, premiering in September of 1962. Not only does Aquarius rule color television and cartoons, but the futuristic utopian vision held by The Jetsons is also very Aquarian in nature. Television also welcomed the eccentric and beloved Addams family in 1964 with ABC's premiere of The Addams Family. This television classic questioned social norms of the time, specifically the values of the traditional mid-century American family, which were quite conservative at the time. This series became a symbol of the counterculture in television, a typically Aquarian concept. Another incredibly popular futuristic TV show that technically started during Saturn's transit through Aquarius, Star Trek began filming in November of 1964, during the last couple months of Saturn's journey through this sign. Star Trek is also notable for this transit due to the fact that it was one of the first television shows to give women, especially black women, prominent and respected roles. The character Lt. Uhura, the ship's communications officer, was played by Nichelle Nichols, a black actress. At that time, black women typically only appeared in television as servants and maids, so this was a revolutionary change not only in television but in the civil rights movement as well. In fact, when Nichelle Nichols considered quitting the show to pursue a career on Broadway, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. met with Nichelle, convincing her to stay on the show as a part of history.

Television in the early 1990s during Saturn's next transit through Aquarius was just as influential on culture as the television of the early 1960s. One of the first TV shows that comes to mind when I think of the 90s in television is the classic sitcom Friends. Though this show technically didn't air until Saturn had moved into Pisces in 1994, the concept of the show resonates very closely with Aquarian themes. For one, the name "Friends"is representative of Aquarius, the sign of friendship and camaraderie. David Crane and Marta Kauffman, the show's creators, began developing Friends in late 1993 under the early title of Insomnia Cafe, as Saturn made its way through the last 10 degrees of Aquarius. Though it initially had mixed reviews, Friends grew to become one of the most popular and beloved television shows of its time. Another well-loved show of the early 90s, though aimed more towards a younger audience, Bill Nye the Science Guy first aired in 1993, and embraced the forward-thinking Aquarian scientist archetype. Science in general is ruled by Aquarius, sign of innovation and discovery, and this show was designed to teach children about the realities of science and observation. One TV show I thought I should mention here as well is The Real World, which first aired on MTV in 1992, and is credited as being the birth of the "reality TV" genre of television, though it was edited quite often in favor of certain situations and reactions that didn't quite reflect reality. It received a lot of criticism as well for not ever casting an Asian man in nearly 30 years on television. Reality TV is also very much a Saturn in Aquarius concept, as Saturn rules realism, and Aquarius rules television in general.

Aquarius is also the ruler of cartoons, as I touched on earlier, so it's only fitting that I discuss a few cartoons of the early 90s. The trend of "cartoons for adults" was beginning to take off around this time, after The Simpsons paved the way in 1989 with its adult humor and hidden messages about adult life. One of the more "mature" cartoons that comes to mind when thinking of Saturn's transit through Aquarius in the early 1990s is The Ren & Stimpy Show. This show first aired in 1991, and was quite grotesque in its animation style, featuring detailed animated close-ups with which other shows later followed suit. It quickly became a cult classic, especially among college students, who adored its bizarre animation style and dark yet quirky humor. Another cult classic "adult cartoon" that began while Saturn was making its way through Aquarius is Beavis and Butt-Head, which first aired in 1993. This cartoon had mixed reviews and stirred up a lot of controversy with its seemingly idiotic social criticism, but became a staple of early 90s adult television nonetheless. The social criticism in this show is representative of Saturn in Aquarius as well, as Saturn portrays a harsh, critical nature, and Aquarius is a sign of society and social groups. Rocko's Modern Life was yet another cartoon series that was aimed for young adults rather than children, and achieved moderate success after its initial release in 1993. This show was known for highlighting adult situations through cartoon animation - combining the adult responsibilities and themes of Saturn with the off-beat cartoony Aquarian personality. One last cartoon I'd like to mention in this segment of adult cartoons is Animaniacs, which first aired in 1993, and quickly became a hit with both children under age 11 and adults over 25. The large following among adults even led to one of the earliest Internet fandom cultures, another Aquarian concept.

Television in the coming years will likely circle around again to some of these rebellious Aquarian ideas, and it's likely that TV will become even more entwined with the internet over the next few years, as online streaming is more common these days than watching cable TV.

Saturn's movement through Aquarius was a big part of the civil rights movement of the early 60s as well. The sign of Aquarius is a sign of freedom, equal human rights, and disrupting the status quo, which essentially were a few of the main goals of the movement. In fact, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had a 10th house Aquarius Mercury, which is why we remember him best for his "I have a dream" speech, which he delivered August 28, 1963 in Washington D.C. for the 200,000+ people who gathered in front of the Lincoln Memorial for the March on Washington. During the time he was writing and revising this speech, Saturn was transiting his Mercury in Aquarius as well. Later in 1963, on October 22, roughly 200,000 students stayed out of school in Chicago to protest segregation of African-American students in schools. This was a major peak of an ongoing battle to desegregate schools across America, again acting out the Aquarian values of equality and social justice.

In the early 1990s this theme re-emerged through the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. A video went public in 1991 of five white Los Angeles police officers severely beating Mr. Rodney King, who was black, after pulling him over for speeding. The riots began on April 29, 1992 after a trial jury acquitted four of the officers, enraging thousands of Southern California residents who took to the streets in anger. By the end of the riots, in early May, 63 people had been killed and thousands more were injured or had been arrested. The 1992 Rodney King riots went on to inspire the folk song "Like a King" from Ben Harper's debut 1994 album Welcome to the Cruel World, which was released just after Saturn transited into Pisces, therefore the songs were written and recorded while Saturn was in Aquarius.

In the coming transit of Saturn through Aquarius, we can expect to see another revolutionary movement for POC, particularly watching the Black Lives Matter movement, because the hashtag was born while Saturn was in Scorpio, meaning Saturn in Aquarius will be coming up on a Saturn square for the birth chart of the movement.

Furthermore in music, there were a few major developments in the early 1960s while Saturn was in Aquarius that stood out to me. First, in the early to mid 60s, Joan Baez was beginning to make a name for herself in folk music during the American folk revival. Then in 1962, Peter, Paul & Mary released their debut album, which reached #1 on the US album charts. During the same year, Bob Dylan released his self-titled debut album of cover songs, and later went on to release his first original album The Times They Are a-Changin' in 1964, towards the end of Saturn's journey through Aquarius. These politically charged folk artists all peaked with the folk revival during Saturn's transit through Aquarius, which makes sense, as folk music is Aquarian in its nature, typically discussing issues of politics, inequality and other "radical" ideas of change. In fact, these artists also all performed "We Shall Overcome" at Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s March on Washington in 1963.

Another emerging group that stood out to me from this Aquarian transit was The Beatles. This incredibly successful rock group released their first couple of songs - "Please Please Me" & "Ask Me Why" - in January of 1963. By the next month, their single "Please Please Me" was topping the British rock charts. The Beatles released their debut studio album, Please Please Me, in March 1963, and by May had landed on the top of the UK album charts, staying there for 30 weeks, only to be replaced by their second studio album, With The Beatles. By October of 1963, the media began using the term "Beatlemania" to describe the frenzied behavior exhibited by Beatles fans across the globe. Many of their live performances were accompanied by the sounds of screaming fans and general hysteria. Fanatics, by the way, are also ruled by Aquarius. In February of 1964, The Beatles made their first appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show, drawing a record 73.7 million viewers. The crazed audience clearly depicts the "Beatlemania" phenomenon in full swing. But how do The Beatles relate to Saturn's transit through Aquarius? First off, The Beatles were one of the first mainstream groups to market to the younger generation of teenagers rather than to their parents. This was a big shift in the music industry, as typically it was the older audience with all the spending power, whereas now, young teenage girls were a powerful force in the music market. Though their earlier songs avoided heavier social topics, it became obvious later in their career that The Beatles were a huge part of the birth of counterculture and anti-establishment ideas. In 1964, when the band was informed that a venue they were scheduled to perform at in Florida in the US was segregated, they refused to play unless the audience was integrated. Many more conservative countries refused to allow The Beatles to perform at all, in fear that their progressive counterculture ideas would "infect" their younger population. Even the USA attempted to ban all British acts in 1965, as they saw their emerging rock 'n' roll culture as "dangerous" to the youth of the nation. The Beatles were also highly progressive in their music style, and incorporated many new and unusual recording techniques into their albums. This ongoing theme of progressive thinking and "peace and love" apparent in the music of The Beatles is very in line with the nature of Aquarius.

Later, in the early 1990s, grunge bands were the new emerging music trend. A number of grunge rock bands all released major hit albums around the same time - right around Saturn's transit through rebellious Aquarius. In 1991, Pearl Jam released their debut album Ten, followed by Nirvana releasing their second album Nevermind, and then Soundgarden with Badmotorfinger - all within a span of two months! All three albums were incredibly successful, and resonated strongly with the Aquarian counterculture and anti-establishment ideas brought out by the earlier generation in the early 1960s. Then in 1992, Alice in Chains released their second studio album, Dirt, which is considered by many to be their best work. Also released in 1992, Stone Temple Pilots debuted with their first studio album, Core, which received mixed reviews, though it went on to win a Grammy in 1994 for Best Hard Rock Performance. Nirvana received a lot of attention and success in the early 90s as well, and Kurt Cobain was dubbed "the voice of a generation" by many. Similar to The Beatles influence on counterculture, Kurt Cobain's darker lyrical content touched many listeners hearts on a deeper level than the earlier hair metal had been able to.

In the next few years in music, we're likely to see younger emerging artists, similar to Billie Eilish, who has an Aquarius Moon, taking over the scene with some revolutionary new ideas and social commentary in their lyrics.

Though Aquarius is a masculine sign, I've also noticed a pattern with emerging feminist movements during these transits, due to the focus on equal human rights. The second wave of feminism began picking up speed around 1963, when two major works of feminist writing were published - The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, and The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan. Both works were largely critical of the typical role of a female in 1960s society - that of the domestic housekeeper/mother figure. These works encouraged women to pursue careers they felt passionately about for the first time. Also in 1963, journalist Gloria Steinem became a prominent figure in feminist culture after going undercover as a Playboy Bunny and revealing the poor treatment and underpayment of the waitresses at the Playboy Club.

In the early 1990s, during Saturn's next transit through Aquarius, the third wave of feminism began to emerge. While second-wave feminism dealt primarily with issues surrounding equal opportunities for [predominantly white] women in the workplace, this third wave of feminism dealt with issues regarding intersectional feminism, violence against women and reproductive/sexual freedom. A trend of reclaiming "derogatory" female terms (for example -  bitch, slut, whore) began largely with the Riot grrrl movement in punk music, popularized by female-constructed bands like Bikini Kill and Bratmobile, as a way of expressing feminine identity on their own terms.

Feminine power is already on the rise again, with Uranus having moved into feminine Taurus a couple years ago and still having several more years to go on that transit. Women in power will do great things with that power, and more women will come to be in power over the next few years with Saturn in this sign. Whether it be individual political power, or power in numbers, women around the world will come together and rise to power from now until 2023. Another trend I expect to see play out while Saturn transits Aquarius these next few years as well is that of gender revolution. With the gender roles of the past melting away, a revolution is roaring around the corner, and gender queer/LGBTQ+ identifying people will likely score a few big victories in the upcoming Aquarian transit.

Another theme I noticed through Saturn's transit of Aquarius in the early 1960s was a theme of national independence and freedom. In August of 1962, the colony of Jamaica became independent, freeing Jamaicans from the United Kingdom after 300 years of British rule. In October that same year, Uganda also became independent from the UK. Then in 1963, Kenya declared independence from the UK as well. Meanwhile, in the Dominican Republic and Zanzibar both experienced major revolutions during this time frame, in search of freedom. This trend continued in the early 90s, with many countries, including Lithuania, Ukraine, Latvia and Estonia, all declaring their independence from the USSR in 1991.

It's likely that we will see many more uprisings and movements towards independence, including the USA's Pluto return in 2022/2023, which is expected to be a revolutionary moment for the history of the country, over the course of the next few years.

These are the kinds of themes we are likely to see re-emerging until March 2023, while Saturn roams through free-spirited Aquarius. Technological innovations are going to be increasingly involved with our lives, as the internet of things develops further. Television will trend towards witty humor and social criticism, as it did the previous few times Saturn was in Aquarius. Civil rights movements will be center stage, writing more groundbreaking history into our textbooks, while the future leans towards gender queer/female figures of color, rather than in favor of the cis-gender/heterosexual white male. Music will take on its own social commentary within the industry, perhaps birthing a new genre of sorts. Independence of the individual as well as the nation will be stressed in the coming years. Saturn feels confident in this sign, and we should too, moving forward into Saturn's "Age of Aquarius" with hope for a better future.

If you enjoyed reading this post, feel free to buy me a coffee here!

https://ko-fi.com/andromeda_sapphire

[teacherintransition]

The Delicate Balance...

... if all one wants is to retire and be alone, what happens after attainment?

This week, through an intriguing book, I was challenged by what keeps a spirit alive and vibrant... the “mystery of the planned” and the danger of no plan being the end of the story.

I don’t know everything; I know very little; I know nothing... these declarative statements seem to denote three separate conditions of being that are “either, or.” However one sees these statements as separate or statements saying the same thing they must be a call to action for the individual making them. Attainment of these realizations with no further building upon them to follow this self awareness is an ending. A dismal contentment of a state of being with nothing beyond is finality. Is that acquiescence? Certainly, we must acquiesce this truth, but if we do no more than simply realize ... then there is no more; but to acquiesce and to desire more is the quest to know more thus be more and then to live ... vibrantly!

Much of this journey into the changing of my life from what was to what is dare not become a final marking. For the story to go forward, we must be consumed, driven to plan and move forward to what will be. No one way of living exists for all to follow, all of our paths are as unique as stars in the heavens; but putting all your eggs in the basket of “I got it,” is a precarious venture. Throughout this more than year long self discovery of a teacher embarking upon retirement, I’ve made the point numerous times that balance, like in all things, is the key to making this transition work. We have earned rest, respite, freedom from daily occupational stresses; but that cannot be all there is... there must be more to make these years an adventure.

Since, the Covid shutdown of schools in March of 2020, through the retirement decision of August 2020, to the now of April 26th, 2021... I’ve been on a book reading binge to go along with my painting, illustration, hiking, binges. Since March of 2020, I suppose I’ve read 35+ books, a little more than one every two weeks. Some of them are “stinkers,” others exciting and a few, personally challenging. During my weekly Amazon book shopping time, I came across a book that seemed would satiate my European wanderlust at present. An Amazon recommendation came across the homepage of a book written by Hisham Matar titled, A Month in Siena. Matar’s story of his obsession with the Sienese School of Painting from the high Middle Ages and his first visit to the ancient city in the region of Tuscany. His perspective on goals, desires, time has been a “viola” moment for me and hits the nail on the head of what I’ve been trying to write over this year. Matar has misgivings that the realization of this visit could be the end of a passion that has been an unrealized mystery for him. He carries this concern to many levels and different parts of his life where similarities are drawn to this lifelong desire to visit Siena and study paintings. Matar writes:

The historian’s temptation is to capture the uncertain past, to contain and divide it into chapters ... tell the story coherently...of it’s motives and outcomes. And we are, of course, ... the historians of our own lives. The future, on the other hand, provides endless opportunities for our predictions and fantasies. With it, we can indulge our optimism by planning the years ahead, as though time were a carpet one could roll out into the unknown. The past and the future stimulate our imagination [if we aren’t careful] the present overwhelms it.*

This quote at first glance seems to tell us that true exploration takes places everywhere but the now... this immediate moment. Oddly, Matar even remarks the fact that “living in the moment” is part and parcel of our modern language.**

But the present offers no options; it insists on our attention. ...the most casual turn, an innocent encounter—with a person, a book, a painting, a piece of (unexpected) news—or a mere thought passing through one’s head can leave one ever so slightly altered... By comparison, the past is more easily located... and the future...always seems distant. It is the guest who is forever not quite here yet.***

His observation seems to imply that we are perpetually at the mercy of the present... which is truth no doubt. The danger is to not have anything sought for beyond the attainment of now. I’ve retired, I checked off the “bucket list” [I cringe when I hear that term], I went to that ONE place... so that’s it! No, no, no.... that is the coffin closing shut, if there is no desire ... no gleeful apprehension of the mystery to come, then living in the moment is a torturous waiting for the light to fade.

This isn’t a state of mind to be feared only for the person retiring, but for anyone at any stage of life. Shakespeare from his play, “King John” presents a gloomy picture of a life with no passions to pursue, “Life is as tedious as a twice-told tale, vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man.” Matar’s words are the keys to unlocking a passionate, heady transition to the years of retirement or any stage of life . Even though we know what happens to the best laid plans of mice and men, to cease having a plan .. a dream is far worse. Basically, there must be something... many somethings to live for, if not excitement, vibrancy and even breathing may cease.

Matar elaborates further than that, beyond having a goal that perpetuates the thrill of life that we normally associate with youth and being young:

Desire ...dies the moment it achieves it’s end. What keeps our passion for anyone or anything alive is the promise of attainment. ...there is a contradiction between what desire wants-complete conquest and what it needs in order to continue to exist-mystery the unknowable. In evolutionary terms, failure is the prerequisite, frustration it’s generator.****

We must not limit ourselves at anytime in our lives; to do so puts us at risk at the condition Henry David Thoreau observes, “ The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.” Thoreau, Matar and other writers and philosophers go even further than just the need to keep numerous fires burning inside; but to have others bear witness to this process. We are social creatures with an innate desire to share, to validate what we hold dear. Matar describes a scene where he and his wife are lying down in a field of grass just outside Rome with her resting her head on his chest. He acknowledges they are looking in the same direction but may never see the same thing. This creates a connection to the world of souls that pass our way and adds to our need to seek out goals that a community of others struggle with in much the same way, but never the same. What we achieve, what we love is validated when shared.

Whatever it is that creates this elusive bond between strangers taking account of one another in a public space was present and, so although we had entered recess, a sort of giant pit like a lit up stage to be suspended to cross it is to take part in the centuries old choreography, one meant to remind all solitary beings that it was neither good nor possible to exist alone*****

The key that I drew forth for me through all of this is that we exist with elation as long as we seek and challenge ourselves and learn when young or retired. The effort is to be made but the forms it takes are infinite ... “Cogito, ergo sum” as Rene Descartes wrote. The seeking and the challenges are made more enriching when shared in the world of souls, who like us, need encouragement and validation. This piece is somewhat different than my other sage fragments of wisdom; but often we can obtain “eureka” for our seeking of purpose by coming into the realization that we all share that personal need and a communal need to bond.

Matar, Hisham; A Month in Siena; Random House/ Penguin Random House Publishing; UK London; 2019

*pg. 40

**IBID.

***IBID. pg. 41

****IBID. pg. 27

*****IBID. pg. 14

http://labibliotecacoffee.com/

https://www.instagram.com/avenue_speak/?hl=en

[allthecanadianpolitics]

Response from my Toronto City Councillor, Brad Bradford, re: Regis Korchinski-Paquet, police funding, anti-black racism and our shared future

Hi there,

Thanks for reaching out about racism in our communities, police funding and our shared future. I've received thousands of messages every day this week. Our collective response to tragedy and injustice has been inspiring and humbling. The baseline for all of us right now is to speak up in solidarity and initiate the discussion in our community. As an elected representative, I have an additional responsibility to proactively make and support decisions that improve the circumstances of equity-seeking groups. I take this responsibility very seriously. As with most issues, I try to start with empathy for the people affected by this physical and emotional violence. I have been very clear publicly - the City's best approach is to address root-causes through anti-black racism efforts, anti-poverty initiatives and investing in community development.

This year's police budget did increase. I share your concerns about the speed at which police, and so many other services in our city, are addressing anti-black racism. Most of the 2020 budget increase was due to salaries and payroll expenses. The police invested in a better model of neighbourhood policing, adding 40 new neighbourhood community officers. Working closely with Division 55 Superintendent Stroble, we secured funds for four exceptional Neighbourhood Police Officers in our local Beaches-East York community. These officers took their new roles in Division 55 in February (see the launch here). More generally, across the Toronto Police, we added five net new Equity, Inclusion and Human Rights positions as well. There were also significant costs associated with implementing body-worn cameras incorporated in this year’s Police budget. A number of the other increased costs were associated with achieving the City’s Vision Zero road safety mandate, including creating the new vision zero road safety unit.

We certainly need to continue the work of reforming and modernizing our policing model. There have been countless reviews, inquiries, panels on police since long before I was a City Councillor. The City has an Anti-Black Racism Action Plan and we can’t be complacent about implementing that kind of change.

Solving these problems takes time and investment. In addition to advocacy, action is also critically important. Especially as an elected representative. Our respective roles as members of City Council are influenced by the committees to which we’re appointed. For example, while I am interested in seeing continued police reform, I am not a member of the Toronto Police Services Board so, like you, my abilities to influence are through dialogue.

There is an anti-racism, anti-oppression lens we can bring to all of our work as Councillors. Here’s an overview of some of the work I’ve been involved with and some of the perspective I try to bring. I share this as questions about my work have been coming up a lot in the last week. I want to share as much as possible to be transparent about my work, get your input and continue listening.

As Vice-Chair of the City's Budget Committee, I steered through $6million in additional funding for anti-violence programs and youth hubs. This is on top of $15.6million in net new funding for poverty reduction initiatives in the City's 2020 Budget. I also helped the City deliver the following actions:

· $11.9 billion for the TTC to address the state of good repair backlog and to buy 62 new subways for Line 2, 18 new subways for Line 1, 60 new streetcars, 1,500 new buses, and 232 new Wheel-Trans Vehicles. Investment in the bus network is particularly critical here as many of our city’s poorest community members rely on buses to get around.

· We fully funded our $24 billion Housing Plan 2020-2030 to build 40,000 new affordable rental units, and support 341,000 households with affordability.

· We invested $169 million for Vision Zero to make our streets safer and meet our goal of getting deaths and serious injuries on our roads down to zero. We know that road violence, and deaths and serious injury is more prevalent in the inner-suburbs.

As for other measures on allyship - there is never enough that could be done, but I am calling out the need for anti-racism training at every opportunity. On the Board of the TTC I have moved motions calling for a number of anti-racism measures including:

· Modernizing the TTC’s Fare Evasion Strategy & Transit Fare Enforcement Oversight to include anti-racism training.

· Making sure our revenue protection strategy responds to the ombudsman's report on fare enforcement and the incident we saw in 2018 with the use of violence against a black teen.

· Calling on the TTC to accelerate reporting on implementing a modernized investigation unit for customer complaints.

· Funding overdose prevention and response for frontline TTC staff.

There are a number of other equity-based issues I've been vocal on – including rent control on city-funded affordable housing sites, getting Council's support to urge the Province to maintain the definition of disability and avoid cuts to ODSP recipients, and including a Community Benefits Agreement into the market offering process for redevelopment of City property at the Danforth Garage.

None of these initiatives matter without real engagement with marginalized communities. This is critical to elevate the voices of people too often left out of the process at the City of Toronto. Within my office, listening is critical. I host town hall meetings and discussions with targeted stakeholder groups in communities across Beaches-East York. Just on Saturday I held a virtual town hall for the Bengali community with Mayor Tory and Councillor Crawford. I also engage regularly with countless others with equity-seeking groups, as well as youth groups, and advocacy organizations such as ACORN, Centre for Equity and Human Rights in Accommodation (CEHRA), TTC Riders, Social Planning Toronto, Maytree Institute and dozens of others.

We work hard to ensure these efforts are accessible, and take extra measures for our statutory city consultations - like community planning meetings - to make sure individuals have access to child care at a minimum to encourage engagement. We ask our community partners to share information about these meetings with their membership to broaden the reach to communities the City doesn’t typically engage. For example, we work closely with on-site teams at TCHC to post meeting invitations in lobbies, elevators, and on apartment doors. My bi-monthly community meetings also rotate around the ward in an effort to do everything possible to ensure geography is as little a barrier as possible.

As I said off the top, none of this will be enough until we bring a meaningful end to structural racism. We each have a role to play in that. As an elected representative, I am accountable to all residents in my community, but I hold myself to the highest accountability on issues of equity and inclusion. Being in this position is a privilege and my goal is always to advance policies that pragmatically, and meaningfully, move the agenda forward for our black, indigenous and other racialized communities.

In solidarity, and community.

- Brad

Brad Bradford

Toronto City Councillor

Ward 19 - Beaches-East York

--

Submitted by @ominouspotato

[goingoverthegardenwall]

Chapter 8: Babes in the Wood

In this last hurrah of explicit homages to animation of the past, the most obvious discussion point is Merrie Melodies and its ilk: Babes in the Wood is essentially a full-episode reference to the bouncing musical shorts of yore, where everything can sing’n’dance and the villain is a blustery bozo who’s defeated with a sight gag. If we expand to children’s entertainment in general, as we did with Greg’s Beatrix Potter episode, then The Wizard of Oz is our logical next step: the song welcoming him to Cloud City owes everything to Dorothy’s introduction to Munchkinland, complete with the fact that our hero has just entered a dream.

And look, there’s nothing wrong with talking about the obvious. But as we near the end, I think it’s a little more interesting to instead explore the very beginning. So let’s go back to a newspaper cartoonist in New York—the one who inspired fellow New York newspaper cartoonist John Randolph Bray to become an animator, which in turn led fellow New York newspaper cartoonist Max Fleischer to become an animator, because it turns out that just like the birth of superhero comics a few decades later, the birth of American animation hinged on print artists who dreamed big in the city that never sleeps. 

A boy named Zenas was born in Michigan on September 26, 1871. Or maybe he was born there in 1869. Or maybe he was born in Canada in 1867. He said one thing, and a biographer said another, and census data says another, and I wasn’t there. It’s similarly unclear when or why he started going by his middle name, but by the time he took his first job at age 21 (or 19 or 17) as a billboard and poster artist in Chicago, he was calling himself Winsor McCay. They sure did know how to name ‘em in the 19th century.

McCay began his newspaper career as a freelancer, but moved to New York in 1903 to work for the New York Herald, where he wrote a variety of comics before hitting it big with Little Sammy Sneeze. McCay’s art was always brilliant, but his gag work was formulaic to a fault: the joke for Sammy Sneeze was always the same, he would sneeze and ruin everything right before the last panel. That devotion to formula would continue in his second big comic Dream of the Rarebit Fiend, where a fantastical events would occur for ever-changing characters before the lead woke up in the last panel, revealing it was a dream.

That second formula was the basis of McCay’s masterpiece. Already a successful cartoonist in the two short years since he’d moved to New York, his fame skyrocketed with Little Nemo in Slumberland, which used the same “wake up at the end” formula but with recurring characters and a running story. He toyed with the medium like none had before, playing with panel arrangement and innovating the portrayal of motion in comics, and his art skills only improved with this full-color strip. His success led to the vaudeville circuit, where he turned the act of drawing into a performance, and this combination of stage entertainment and his continuing comic work led him to seek new ways to dazzle the crowds.

By 1910, the earliest animated shorts had already started to emerge, and McCay was inspired by pioneers like James Stuart Blackton and Émile Cohl to try animating the characters of Little Nemo. Under Blackton’s direction, McCay singlehandedly drew around four thousand fully colored frames to produce his first animated cartoon, presented at the tail end of a filmed short about said cartoon in 1911. As mentioned, animated shorts were already a thing. But none of them looked anything like this. (If you’re concerned that there might be racist caricatures in it, don’t worry, there definitely are, McCay had a lot of strengths but overcoming garbage prejudices was not one of them).

The sheer quality of his work, continuing with the legendary Gertie the Dinosaur, directly led to the invention of the rotoscope as a means to mass-produce cartoons of similar finesse. The influence of Winsor McCay over animation as we know it is hard to overstate (and let’s stress again that this was his side gig, and he was just as influential over comic art): as crazy as it sounds, it’s safe to say that Over the Garden Wall would not exist if not for a story about the whimsical adventures of a little boy who traveled across a land of dreams from his bed. 

“Where’s Greg, Wirt?”

Babes in the Wood is delightful and goofy and lighthearted exactly once.

In the same way our fourth-to-last episode mirrored our fourth, this third-to-last episode mirrors our third: Chapters 4 and 7 focus on Wirt, but 3 and 8 are Greg’s. It’s not simply a matter of who the main character is, but what these episodes are about: Greg’s love of fun clashing with his drive to help others. Both times he's spurred by the desire to help others to go off on his own, both times he gets distracted by whimsical wonders involving funny animals and physical humor, and both times he ends up deciding to help out anyway. But despite switching his goal from making the whole world a better place to just helping his brother, the stakes are actually far higher now, so the fun has to be that much more fun if we want the full horror of the ending to sink in.

There’s no tonal shift in the series that’s more devastating than Greg falling prey to the Beast after nearly ten minutes of goofiness in Cloud City. It turns a moment of welcome relief from the growing tension of Wirt’s despair into a dagger in the heart, and the knife is twisted when we learn in our next episode what the Unknown truly is.

That despair is evident well before Wirt explicitly gives up. We get our second opening in a row featuring Beatrice in a hopeless search, and things aren’t much better for the boys. All sense of progression from the first episode feels lost, with Wirt reverting to mumbling poetry and Greg reverting to Rock Facts. Their boat is an outhouse and Greg uses a guitar as an oar, because (if you’ll pardon my French) they’re up shit creek without a paddle. When they land, Greg’s victorious bugle is a ridiculous sign of hope, but he soon drops it in the same way he abandons the guitar: in Schooltown Follies he takes instruments to help others, but this time he loses them.

Wirt’s frustration with Greg threatened to boil over in The Ringing of the Bell, only to be cooled when the Woodsman interrupts them. This time there’s no such interruption, so after Greg’s total failure to read the room gets to be too much, his brother finally snaps. It crucially isn’t entirely unjustified, as Greg’s antics might be funny to us but have not been appreciated by Wirt, and despite Greg’s age excusing his lack of emotional intelligence, it’s still gotta be frustrating for a teen to deal with that behavior nonstop. And Wirt’s “tirade” reflects his depression, because he doesn’t even seem that angry: he doesn’t shout or rave, he’s just openly irritated as he argues that they’ll be lost forever. This is apathy and fatigue, because he’s lost the energy to be furious.

But the most chilling part of the exchange isn’t Wirt cruelly blaming Greg for their mess, or abandoning their search. It’s when, after Wirt asks if they can give up, Greg responds with a chipper “You can do anything if you set your mind to it!”, a sentiment that the Beast will fiendishly repeat verbatim while tricking Greg. It’s such a generic positive expression that Greg hangs a lampshade on it, but it shows the darker side of the power our minds have over our well-being. Sure, it’s a great lesson that focus and dedication can help us achieve our dreams, but if we use that focus and dedication towards self-destructive behavior, there’s no limit to how badly we can hurt ourselves. 

After a goofy sort of prayer (incorporating lines from the classic Trick or Treat poem, which will become super relevant an episode from now), Greg is whisked away by so-creepy-it’s-funny cherubim to the score of a so-overwrought-it’s-funny song. His flight aboard the bed/cart pulled by a donkey across the sky feels legitimately magical, but we soon switch to the surreal world of 1930′s songs and physics.

Cloud City is such a stark contrast to the tone of the episode so far that it instantly feels delightful, and such a stark contrast to the tone of the entire series that it lends a special sort of wonder to Greg’s dreamland. References to old cartoons are everywhere in Over the Garden Wall, and before we delve into the tension of our last two episodes, we get one last gigantic celebration of the past with a sequence straight from the golden age of animation. 

The transition alone is enough to make this scene hilarious, but the actual jokes help quite a bit: Greg’s growing impatience with the numerous Wizard of Oz reception committees is my favorite gag of the night. Everything is cute to the point of being cloying, including our three angels that look and sound an awful lot like Greg, and the parade that he leads seems like such a fun and peaceful affair after so much time wandering alone. It’s easy to get as roped into it as Greg when we first watch it. But considering the events of our next episode, the scene destroys me every time I rewatch it, because there’s a very specific place Greg is being welcomed to.

Babes in the Wood gets a lot less cute when it becomes clear that it’s a welcoming committee for a dying child. Greg and Wirt are drowning, and this is the episode where the shock wears off and the cold sets in and the younger and weaker of the two looks into a bright light. Greg’s near-death experience is hammered in when we get to The Unknown, but for now it’s being rationalized in a way that brings him comfort.

The cold is Greg’s enemy, and the same childish tone is used to show that he’s willing to fight for his life: thus, the North Wind segment is ironically more hopeful to me than the parade’s warm welcome of death. This third song sounds enough like a Randy Newman number that I’m honestly still convinced it’s an uncredited Randy Newman performance, and it jolts us back to reality for a moment as we see the effect this bitter wind has on our babes in the woods. The boys are starting to freeze, and we again see Beatrice searching for them, getting so close before an owl that looks remarkably like the one we saw in our first episode scares her off. The episode doesn’t want to lose us completely to the sky, and this grounding helps keep the stakes clear as we complete Greg’s dream.

The Popeye-esque battle between Greg and Ol’ Windbag is a hoot, between the latter’s grumbling anger and the former rolling up his sleeve to get back into the brawl. Its conclusion is hidden from us, so we have no idea how Greg gets him in a bottle, but that fits right in with the weird logic of this throwback and allows us to meet the Queen of the Clouds.

I ought to bring up the theory that everything we see here is an illusion created by the Beast, even though I don’t really subscribe to it myself. The most obvious “hint” is that this sequence directly leads to Greg deciding to join the Beast with an off-screen promise, but we also have the old man in the welcoming march wearing an outfit just like Wirt’s and holding a lantern, perhaps a reference to the Beast’s intended fate for Greg’s brother. Plus there’s lines in the songs that seem like they’re luring Greg in, especially the assurance that the wonders of Cloud City “ain’t gonna lie,” which sounds a lot like what a liar would say. Both the Queen of the Clouds and the Beast pointedly call him Gregory instead of Greg, but so does Old Lady Mrs. Daniels (and Wirt when introducing him in Songs of the Dark Lantern). 

While it’s a neat enough idea, I think the Queen of Clouds is pretty clearly on Greg’s side for real: she seems upset at his fate in a way that doesn’t make much sense for an ally of the Beast. I also think it’s more meaningful for Greg to truly have the choice between happiness and responsibility, between the possible peace of rest and the definite struggle of life, and for him to choose the latter right as his brother is giving in. But I’ve got no beef with folks whose interpretation of the show is enhanced by this theory, so believe what you want to believe about this ambiguous situation.

Either way, we cut back to Wirt instead of Greg when the dream ends, and he’s still annoyed as he’s trying to sleep. Greg’s strange new seriousness is already cause for concern, and asking Wirt to take care of the frog is even more alarming, but even that doesn’t compare the horror of realizing where he’s actually going. Or rather, with whom.

This is another reason why I think the Queen is an ally: while it’s obviously dangerous for Greg to go with the Beast, that’s what it takes for Wirt to snap out of his funk. It’s a hell of a gambit, but as soon as he starts to awaken, he’s immediately concerned for Greg’s safety despite whatever anger or resentment he had, sparing no time or thought to the branches creeping over him as he runs after his brother. 

The quiet distortion as we follow his frantic search is soon met by the Beast’s song, but even as he blames himself for Greg’s plight, Wirt is no longer content to wallow in despair. Because it turns out that these brothers are more similar than they seem, and neither is truly capable of letting the other suffer. In the folk tale for which this episode is named, two children abandoned in the woods eventually die and are covered in leaves by small birds (with some versions seeing them enter heaven), but as we’ll see in our next episode, this isn’t a folk tale.

The thrumming noise intensifies as Wirt slips on the ice, then we add visual distortion as he plummets into the freezing water. He’s saved, but this isn’t water that sees him reborn: the distortion finally breaks as Beatrice asks the episode’s terrible question, and we’re left in the cold.

Every even-numbered episode of Over the Garden Wall, perhaps by virtue of airing twice per night, ends in a mood-setting cliffhanger that grows tenser and tenser with every iteration (or at least it does until the end). First we got a leaf symbolically caught in a fence, then the Beast’s introduction, then the fallout of Adelaide, and now the capture of Greg. Getting trapped has always been a threat for these roving heroes, but the greatest threat of all, that of Wirt trapping himself, has been handled. Things look bleaker than they ever have, but despite the glee of Greg’s dream contrasting with the harshness of reality, Wirt’s ability to climb out of the pit of despair keeps hope alive: even in absence, Greg’s influence looms large.

Rock Factsheet

Dinosaurs had big ears, but everyone forgot because dinosaur ears don’t have bones.

Where have we come, and where shall we end?

Most of these were mentioned in the main analysis, but it’s great that we hear Wirt’s description of Into the Unknown right before the episode itself shows us what happened.

[insanityclause]

Zawe Ashton is sorry that she is tired. In her dressing room at Manhattan's Jacobs Theatre, at what would be the end of a working day for many, she still has to go over last night’s notes with her director Jamie Lloyd, and get into hair and make-up. Within hours, she will hit the stage for another sold-out night of her Broadway run in Betrayal, the Harold Pinter revival, which will make her a New Yorker until the end of the year.

“I feel like I'm going mad, but I think I'm really into New York. [When I speak], I can already hear my American upward inflections!” she giggles. The play, which also stars Charlie Cox and Tom Hiddleston, has come to New York after a sold-out turn in London in a year that has cemented 35-year-old Ashton's transition from emerging ingenue to bonafide leading lady. In person, she's warm, wickedly funny, and whip-smart — a combination that goes some way to explaining how she's built a career not just in front of the camera, but as a writer, director, playwright, too. Just don't call her an overnight success — it's been nearly 30 years in the making.

Ashton was born and raised in Hackney, a culturally diverse part of East London at the forefront of the city's gentrification. "Cut me open, and I do bleed Hackney," Ashton says. “I remember when cab drivers wouldn’t even go there but for me, there was just local people establishing community and establishing identity. It was multiculturalism, it was biracial, it was anarchy.”

She grew up the eldest child of an Ugandan mother and English father. She describes her younger self as a hyper child. “I just wanted constant stimulation.” Her mother, busy with three kids, enrolled Ashton in the Anna Scher Theatre, an affordable drama class, whose notable alumni ranges from Hollywood crossovers Daniel Kaluuya and Kathy Burke, to Eastenders favourites Sid Owen, Patsy Palmer, and Natalie Cassidy.

“I went in, and there were like three or four baskets on a tiny little stage. One said wigs, one said hats, one said costumes, and I thought to myself, 'I’m going to love this.'" Ashton went on to spend 14 years with the company. "Every Friday night and every Saturday afternoon for 14 years! I think back now, what a disciplined young person that I was. I think I’ve always needed something like that to keep me anchored.”

Small roles in Game On and The Demon Headmaster followed, along with appearances in British staples like The Bill, Casualty, and Holby City, but her success led to bullying at her north London school. “I was different from others at a time when you're supposed to just be blending into that wall,” she says. If there's one thing that's clear, it's that Ashton doesn't do blending in. "I never understood this thing of finding yourself or finding the truth — I couldn’t give a sh*t about the truth," she says.

Earlier this year, she released Character Breakdown, a book about her experiences as actor and the challenge of darting between make-believe and everyday life. "I've never bought into the idea that there is this one self," she says. "I started acting as a 6-year-old child, when my brain was still extremely fragile. I didn’t have hope in hell if I didn’t want to have fractured selves — that moment was over by the time I’d finished my first day on a film set."

Ashton's breakout role didn't come until years after that first day. In 2011, when she was 27, she debuted her role as the hilarious and sensational Vod in Channel 4's now cult classic, Fresh Meat. “When I got it, I had just done an independent movie called Dreams Of A Life,” she recalls. “That was a one-two punch. I had my independent film world covered and I suddenly had this cult TV world covered, and that was it. My head was above the parapet, and things have just been on the up since then."

Like many actors of her generation, she's only down with the "up" when it's about the work. "I’ve never been bothered about fame," she says. "Even when I was at Anna Scher Theatre, you were never allowed to use the words 'star' or 'fame,' they were like swear words. I want to be a successful actor, never a famous star. Because one is an organic meal that will sustain you, and the other is toxic.”

That does complicate things, because whether she's conscious of it or not, Ashton is a star. Her most recent work has seen her share the screen with Toni Collette in the BBC drama Wanderlust, about a therapist trying to save her fraught relationship with her husband,  played by Steven Mackintosh. She also had a lead role in Netflix’s Velvet Buzzsaw, a quirky thriller set in the contemporary art world where she plays Josephina, the object of affection, alongside an idiosyncratic art critic called Morf, played by Jake Gyllenhaal. Her wattage is rising, and unsurprisingly, the designers have come calling. Erdem, Mulberry, Regina Pyo, and Roksanda Illincic all want to dress her, but as Ashton discloses, the style part doesn't always come naturally.

“People talk about ‘effortless style’ but effortless is so far away from any of my experiences of that sort of thing." She now works with stylist, art director, and brand consultant Steph Wilson for her big appearances. "She's not a celebrity stylist, which seems to be a very different breed of person," Ashton explains, "but my stylist is a big reason I am able to cope with events." Their first collaboration — a voluminous, tiered Stella McCartney gown that Ashton wore on the 2016 Olivier's Red Carpet — set the tone in their relationship. "We affectionately called [it] the lampshade dress," Ashton recalls. "It was a complete risk, and a risk that I'd been told again and again and again not to take. 'Don’t go there, you're not well known, you're not famous, unless you’re famous you shouldn’t wear things like this.' I just said, 'I want to dress like the artist I feel,' and that was that."

Ashton might sound assertive, but she swears she is only now coming into her own. “How long have we got to talk about women of colour and imposter syndrome,” Ashton asks, now in her hair and make-up prep. “It’s a real thing, and many people have it. It’s, I think, a particular characteristic of the overachiever. Because you're bottomless, you never think what you’ve achieved is enough. There are lots of little dots, as I approach my 30th year as an actor, that I'm sort of really looking to connect so I can move on to the next stage of my life.”

Part of that next stage is taking up more space. "When you work in film sets, when you’re working on projects that are male dominated, you are always treated as the last priority," she says carefully. "There have been times when, like in sex scenes or whatever, I’ve just been expected to get on with it. No conversation, no time wasting, you're just supposed to minimise your space, and let the money-making industry crack on because time is money." Not any more. "I'm going to call abuse when it’s abuse, and I'm going to call micro-aggression when it’s micro-aggression," she says of on-set behaviour she once might have let slide.

In October, in both Hackney and New York, she will stage For All The Women Who Thought They Were Mad, a play she wrote some 10 years ago when she part of the Royal Court Young Writers group. The play uses statistics to platform the cultural biases at work in medical institutions in Britain that are specifically stacked against women from the African diaspora. “Women being over medicated, unnecessarily being sectioned into their families, losing their jobs. It’s all really shocking, so I wanted to write something for all the women I’ve known [who] thought they were alone. It’s taken so long to get off the ground because it was considered an exposé by every theatrical institution in London, and [I'm] so glad we are doing it," she adds. "A lot of women for a long time have been told to find their voices, but I don’t agree. We have voices. We just need a platform. And we need the words."

One word Ashton is thinking about a lot these days is "motherhood." “I would like to have a baby,” she says slowly. "I’ve never said that before, but women never say it." Despite various rumours about her love life, she emphasises that the baby is a goal, not a current reality. "It's not in the works, and it's not being planned," she says. "There's absolutely not one single detail that I can mention, but the next thing on my agenda is building towards that stage, and I feel very proud of that."

Ashton is aware that the path in that direction will be unreasonably complicated. "The widespread shame of motherhood is criminal, and it needs to stop," she says. "The world can never improve if you disrespect the people that bring life." Still, Ashton is rolling up her sleeves. "I feel like this career has so many connections to my childhood desires, and now I want to figure out what my adult ones are.”

[writingonjorvik]

Can We Discuss Release Schedules?

I’ve seen a lot of the community expressing a dissatisfaction in the current release schedule, and I wanted to talk about some solutions and ideas around that topic. Chiefly, slowing down the release schedule.

First, I want to establish that this doesn’t include bugs. I still think the SSO devs need to release weekly bug patches with detailed report logs so we know exactly what bugs were fixed more often than monthly. Even if the bugs are minimal, having bug logs lets us know what’s going on with the game, and for the die-hard fans who dig through change logs, it’s a fun way to add hints for future content.

That out of the way, the release schedule I want to discuss is for new content, like story quests, maps, and new horses or clothes. As it is, with content having to come out weekly, smaller projects become a bigger priority. While obviously content is planned months in advance, the priority in development when on a weekly release schedule is to get the next week’s content ready first. If there are complications the week before a release, this takes up all of the development time of the staff so they can’t then work on larger projects, like maps or story quests. Everyone is on a crunch to get weekly content out, which is likely why we see a focus on horses and clothes in releases over quests.

Now, if you take out that weekly crunch, it’s much easier to divide your staff into teams. You have your bug team, which is the only team on a weekly schedule, and their job is to get some bugs fixed every week. It’s not as set of a deadline in the same way developing a horse to release is so much as it is a goal to make the game better, which is a better focus. And of course devs would still have those deadlines on some projects, like say releasing one big collection of clothes or a new horse model once a month, but they aren’t also dropping every thing to build out the weekly releases. Which means they’re spending more time on larger projects. It’s reducing interruptions and giving more time to just work on projects, even ones that have more frequent deadlines. For anyone who has done writing stints or art stream or any creative work knows that just sitting down and working is far more effective to get anything done than stopping and starting projects constantly.

Ideally, the dev team would move to a quarterly release schedule. But the difference would be instead of getting some small potatoes stuff every week, we’d be getting small expansions each time. Remember the year SSO promised two map expansions? When we got South Hoof and Jorvik City? That could arguable be feasible again with quarterly releases, and with larger maps too. Not to mention it would give the devs more time to hammer out bugs, so we don’t end up with maps like Dundall that still have collision issues to this day, or weird challenge spikes. They would have more time to work on it and have it ready for release

Now, the drawback I would say is 50/50. If the devs did switch to this kind of release schedule, either they would have to take the time to establish more daily content you could do, like rotating events on similar timers to championships but that work like mini-quests, or something as simple as log-in rewards. Something to fill the gap between weekly to quarterly releases so players still get on, but developing something like that is obviously going to take a while. Or, they go cold turkey to the new release schedule, and just say that’s what they’re going to do. Either way, it means a period of transition, where content does or slowly does make a switch to not coming out as frequently, leaving players with less content. The benefit of weekly releases is people getting on every Wednesday to see the releases. The gap between these systems would slow that log in rate down until the bigger bundle of content was out. It’s a risk, even in a compromised switch that slowly works up to quarterly releases. But there is so much benefit to the switch happening that three months of slowing down would be completely worth it.

On this, first of all, I want to ask y’all what you think. I have a very basic poll on this, just two questions, to collect some general opinions on the topic. And second, you may have noticed there’s actually a third non-mandatory question on that form. If SSO was to make this switch, there would need to be some confidence that their players would come back, or continue to play, when there’s no content. I believe quite strongly that making this switch would improve the game as a whole, giving more time for the devs to make a really quality game and remove the crunch of weekly deadlines off their shoulders. Which is why if the devs made this switch, or announced they would be, I would personally commit to logging in every day until their first new quarterly releases started. I may not be able to make financial commitments (though, I arguably already am with grabbing Star Coins for the Lucky Six every other week), but I can log on every day and stay logged on for a while to show my support for the devs working to make the game better.

That’s why the third question on my poll is asking if all of you will do the same. It doesn’t have to be a long time, but any show of commitment to the game while they move to make the game better and more stable is a sign of support that all of us, financial limitations or no, can make to support the game. And, hell, if I’m committing to that kind of login commitment, you know that WOJ will be here hosting events every week to keep y’all online.

These are numbers I’ve already run. About half of y’all don’t log on if you don’t have something to actively work on ingame. And for a lot of y’all, I see that as a reason to drift. Which is why we need to be vocal in the idea of letting the devs have their time to make the game the best it can be, and that means giving up content every week. I will absolutely be sharing the findings in this poll with the SSO devs, so please vote and let me know what kind of events you would be interested in seeing. I’m thinking scavenger hunts would be on brand for WOJ, see how well y’all know the lore. Or data collection stuff. I’ve been meaning to run some in game data on the benefits of stats. Or we’ll bring back the competitions with the flags and race to locations, help some of y’all get those achievements. But I have always said that WOJ is critical because I want to see the game get better. If this is the the thing the devs need to start making some serious improvements for the game as is and moving forward, then this is a hill I’ll stand on and push for to make the game better. So if this is a hill I can fight for, you can absolutely count of me fighting for it with more events and parties to support the team.