#i have an appointment with my counselor today WHY AM I STILL TYPING???

[keenexpressions]

Erica Tam

1. Name, Year, & Major

Erica Tam, 4th Year, Psychology w/ Human Development & Education minor

2. If you were a luxury brand, what would it be and why?

I would be Kate Spade because I be dead all the time.

3. Who is your personal hero and why?

My personal hero is my ex-girlfriend, Jessica. Even though we are seperated, she was the first person that helped advocate and supported me through my self-healing journey. She was the first to get me help and made me go to my counselor (legit walked me to my appointments all the time). I would not be the person who I am or even be here without her.

4. How do you react after a conflict occurs, and why?

I try to help mediate even if I am not a part of the conflict because I try to help anyone who I can. I also don't like seeing conflict so lemme see if I can help remedy it lol.

5. If you were granted 3 wishes, what would it be?

To be financially comfortable. (Have a house, car, and be able to travel).

Be able to cook any type of food and cook it well.

Being able to foresee the future.

6. What would you Google about your life?

Where my family originally came from because my parents are telling me way too many different stories.

7. What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

How level headed I am because it helps me through rough situations even though I am overthinking on the inside

8. What's your toxic trait?

My toxic trait is either trying to help people even though it inconveniences me at times OR how I don't text or call people as much as I want to.

9. Would you visit the future or past?

I would visit the past when urbanization starts to happen. Well I also would love to see how it felt to be a boomer and being able to be a silver spoon.

10. What are the biggest differences between you today/now and five years ago?

Some of the biggest differences is that I hate the world less and that I have less anger issues. I also felt like I am less emotionally impulsive but sometimes them intrusive thoughts get to me. Truthfully, I was going through a lot and at that time, I did not know why I was going through a lot. Never had the chance to sit down with a professional and had the sit down of what was wrong with me. My parents would intervene at my appointments and reorient the appointment to be about themselves. Now that I actually know what is wrong with me physically and mentally, I can navigate through life more easily. Unfortunately I am still emotionally "broken". I can't process emotions or stress well. Like I am happy and laughing on the inside but I still don't show it at the moment. OR I can't tell I'm stressed until a lot later. Baby steps though. If I am comfortable with someone, I can show my emotions more outwardly. Trauma~ The advice I would give myself five years ago is to set boundaries even though they may hurt people you claim to love and to trust your gut. I am still learning how to do that and it is a rough path y'all. Trust issues am I right? If I was comfortable enough to set my boundaries before then I would not be having to do them now and my mental sanity would not have been greatly affected. But regardless, I still am here and alive.

[hullaballoooo]

My sole survivor Teagan Hooke! I experimented with coloring the line art a little in this one, I think it turned out swell :)! I think I need to simplify her design to make it easier to draw, but I’m not sure what all I should change. I might post another picture of her as a comparison when I simplify her. I also tried to make a background, I think it turned out pretty ok as my first attempt. 

I guess I should post some info about Teagan.

her favorite companion is Nick valentine, Dogmeat and John Hancock. 

her faction is the Minute Men and the Railroad.

The reason she wears colonial attire because she worked at the Museum of Freedom before the bombs fell, she wore her costume while giving tours. she was getting ready for her job when the bombs fell, and when she came out of cryostasis she managed to find her costume again in the vault and decided to wear it ever since. she embroidered the Minute Men symbol on her costume after becoming the general.

Her favorite weapons is the Gamma Gun, Revolutionary Sword, and the Shishkebab.

I’ve been rambling on for awhile and this post is getting pretty long, so I’ll stop typing about her. I hope everyone has a good day today and a happy new year! :)

edited to add: i used a mod for her outfit. i can't find it as of right now because i got a new computer and a haven't reinstalled fallout 4 yet. if anyone knows what it is, feel free to add.

[mhdiaries]

Wave 4 Journal of Jackson Jekyll

On September 9...

So it turns out I’m a monster. Well part-time monster actually, which leaves me pretty much full-time confused. It’s not like I didn’t know that mom and dad were both monsters. The first time I saw mom’s Hyde side come out was when I was 5 and we were visiting my dad’s side of the family. Some of the little neighborhood monsters decided that they were going to play “kick the can” only they were going to use me as the can. Every time I tried to run home they blocked my way and pushed me down. I started crying and then they really started making fun of me. Then all of a sudden I heard this roar and there was my mom. Even though it didn’t look like her I knew it was and honestly all I could think was, “Why mother, what big muscles you have.” Needless to say I never had any problem with the local monsters again. Dad’s a fire elemental of course and I grew up playing with Heath so I was never afraid of monsters. I just didn’t think any monster heritage had passed on to me. When I asked mom and dad if they knew me and Holt were the same person they said, “Of course we knew you and Holt were the same person - we’re your parents; now finish your breakfast or you’ll be late for school.” Well thanks for clearing that up for me mom and dad. Cause you know it’s not like having that little bit of information would have been helpful at all. Good thing I’m past those awkward teenage years where news like this could really have a negative impact on my psyche. (Ooh - sarcasm. I like it) HH

On September 12...

I had to go to the mad scientist, I mean mad pediatrician, today. Mom says that until I’m an adult I need to continue seeing him because he has the most experience dealing with growing monsters. I feel fine but mom and dad are worried because what triggers my transformation to Holt has changed. It used to happen when the sun went down but now it seems to be loud music, I think. The waiting room was almost empty except for a mother werewolf and two young cubs. While mom filled out paperwork I sat down and tried to find something to read that wasn’t chewed, gooed or covered in monster germs. Then I heard one of the werewolf cubs say, “Mommy! Is that a normie?” “Yes honey, don’t stare.” “Is he going to eat us?” I could tell that she was embarrassed so I said, “No way - I’m totally allergic to werewolf it makes me sneeze - ACHOO!” The cubs eyes got really wide and then she started laughing, “Aw that’s not true.” Then she held up her foot and said, “I can tie my shoe!” I said, “That’s amazing, can you show me how?” The werewolf mom relaxed too and it turns out she’s related to Clawd’s family. Pretty soon a lab assistant appeared, “Jackson Jekyll?” She led us back to a room and said, “The doctor will be with you shortly.” Then, “The wait.” Which means sitting on the crinkly paper covered exam table forever and wondering what would happen if I started playing with the instruments in the exam room and the doctor walked in. Anyway just about the time I woke up enough boredom and courage to start picking up some of the cooler looking instruments laying on the counter I hear the mad pediatrician pulling my chart and the door opens. He’s wearing a lab coat with purple vampire ducks and his stethoscope cover is a fuzzy yellow dragonhead. I’m sure it calms the younger monsters but it scares the normie out of me that the volatile nature of my elemental side + my hyde heritage + being a teenager = constant change. He said that the trigger would probably change again before I reach adulthood. Then he gave me a lollypop, scheduled me for another test and said he wanted to see me again in three months. Now I’m worried about what the trigger is going to change to next. What if it’s showers? Would it be worth giving them up for the rest of high school just so I can have my own life? (Not unless you want your new nickname to be “Stinky”) HH 

On September 21... 

It seems like I spent the first part of my life wishing I was a monster and now that I am maybe now I wish I wasn’t. (Well you’re stuck with it now.) HH When I was spending all that time trying to get Draculaura to bit me so I could become a vampire I never really thought about anything except wanting to fit in with all the other monsters. Now the part of me that fits in doesn’t even get to enjoy it.(Whine much?) HH It’s like the worst of both worlds and now I don’t fit in anywhere at all. We’re all supposed to meet with Mr. D’eath, the school guidance counselor, this week. Wonder if I’ll need to make two appointments (Lame - I already know what I’m going to be... FAMOUS!) HH

On September 23...

So I had my appointment with Mr. D’eath today it started out  about as terrible as I thought it was going to be. Turns out he’d never counseled a “normie” and it seemed like he didn’t know exactly what to say. In fact, he mostly just spent a lot of time squeezing one of those stress balls made to look like a cartoon character with eyes that bugged out when you squeezed it. It was pretty distracting especially when I realized it was a cartoon “normie”. The squeezing wasn’t nearly as distracting as his “throat clearing” which kind of sounded like a hand full of marbles being run through a garbage disposal. I kept trying to figure out how he made that noise because he doesn’t really even have a throat since as far as I can tell he’s pure skeleton. He must have flipped through my permanent record ten times before he finally said: So you see Hackson... I mean Jackson, the career opportunities for normies in the monster world are somewhat er... um... (sound of marbles being run through the disposal again) limited. There’s monster hunter, monster hunter’s assistant, mad scientist, ooh hunchback! You don’t happen to have a hump do you? No? Bad luck there then. Ah hah! How about Monster/Normie Relations Expert? (Figured it’d be something where the wardrobe is even less cool than what you wear now) HH Well that was something I certainly knew a little something about. I had an old coach in the normie world that used to always say, “Play to your strengths Jackson, play to your strengths.” So Mr. D’eath loaded me down with college brochures and rushed me out of his office. I think both of us were glad it was over. 

On October 8...

Finally took that test my mad pediatrician set up for me. It turned out to be a test to determine the type and volume of music that brings out Holt. So I sat in a soundproof booth wearing headphones while a technician played music at different volumes and with different time signatures. I made it through waltzes, marches, polka and chamber music but I don’t remember what he played next. (That’s when he started playing the good stuff.) HH Anyway the results of the test isolated the trigger; music with a 4/4 time signature played in excess of 90 decibels. You know what’s good about this? Me neither.

On November 2...

It seems now that every monster knows Holt and me are the “same” person/monster I don’t get hassled as much for being a “normie”. Not that it makes any difference to Manny Taur since he pretty much wants to bully down on any creature who’s smaller than he is. When he first started picking on me I stood up to him cause once a bully knows he can push you around he’ll never stop, but Deuce finally took me aside and said, “Listen bro - you’ve won a lot of respect standing up to Manny and don’t take this the wrong way but...” Apparently Manny was waiting for the right time to mash me like a slow matador. I kept waiting for it to happen but it never did. In fact it seemed like Manny was purposely avoiding me for some reason. It was almost like some monster had said something to him. (Yeah - wonder who that could have been?) HH

On November 15... 

Headless Headmistress Bloodgood asked for “volunteers” to help with the middle school carnival fundraiser so Deuce and I volunteered for set up and take down duty. It was cool and we didn’t have to dress up like clowns or sit in the dunk tank. We set up tents, carried boxes then hung out and waited for everything to be over. We checked out some of the other booths too cause we had plenty of time to kill. Venus and Draculaura were doing face painting; Rochelle was teaching monsters how to build sand castles, some of which would have looked pretty good if they hadn’t been built next to Rochelle’s sand cathedra with working bell tower and miniature gargoyles. The best though was the stunt Robecca performed. She flew over the carnival a couple of times to get every monster’s attention then flew straight up until it sounded like her rocket boots stalled and she came streaking back toward the ground like a falling star. A huge gasp went up from the crowd as it looked like she was going to crash then she fired her rockets back up and totally buzzed the crowd less than 20 feet off the ground! It was so awesome I actually gave Holt a chance to see her second performance. (Thanks dude - it was totally rockin’ and I would have been bummed if I didn’t get to see it) HH When the carnival was over we helped take everything down and all the volunteers went to hang out at the Coffin Bean. It was dark by then and I would have missed out on that part of the fun if things were the same as they used to be. Still hoping I won’t have to give up showers someday though. (That makes both of us “Stinky”) HH

[zuol]

november 17, 2020:

it’s 11:51pm. today was a long day. i wanted to write something before going to bed. 

i had a breakdown today. it was hard. the weather was gloomy. i was cold. i was terrified. i felt stuck and i didn’t know what to do. i freaked out. it was one those moments where i felt so out of control. the first thing i thought of was contacting my school’s crisis line. i spoke to a counselor for over 30 minutes. i cannot say that i felt completely better, but that doesn’t really matter. so much happened in that hour. we set an appointment on thursday so i can see my therapist sooner than next tuesday.

i remember telling her that i felt paralyzed and stuck in those feelings of self-hatred and vulnerability. i wanted to cry. i felt so alone and i couldn’t bring myself to do anything. i immediately messaged my friends, summer and julie, telling them what had happened. 

i didn’t feel completely better telling them, but that doesn’t matter.

this brings me to think about how much i rely on others to be there for me. i’m so, so grateful that i was able to talk to these 3 people. i could not have done this last year. one of the issues i had was not being open about my struggles. perhaps the real issue is that i want to be able to process my emotions before telling others because i don’t want to overburden them with an experience i didn’t finish digesting. it’s a double edged sword. but it’s also like.. i trust myself not to overstep boundaries. i think the most important thing is consent. i will ask them if it’s okay for me to share what i’m going through, and if they can hold that space for me. 

i feel grateful to pauline who is so dear to me. we don’t talk as often but i think about her a lot and how she’s doing. 

i feel so grateful to my professor who offered me kindness in our email exchanges while i was having an episode. i feel so much more safe because i’m terrified of him (lol....). i’m terrified of everything! i’m working on that. 

today is my cousin’s birthday and i wished him a happy birthday. we made plans on saturday to finally go surfing. apparently the waves are going to be awful, but i’m excited because it’s going to be my first time out in the water. i feel grateful to him because he reminds me that there is goodness in people. i haven’t spoken to him in a very long time and i miss that connection. he turned 24 today, and i hope he had a wonderful birthday. 

surfing is something i’ve always been interested, especially since i live about an hour away from the beach. i’m really glad that i made that decision to buy a wetsuit because this is something *i* really want to do. i want to try new things and live my life for myself. i have to tell myself this over and over again because it’s what gets me so excited about life. there are so many places i have yet to visit, so many languages i want to learn, so much music i could find (and possibly make!), songs i want to learn on the guitar and piano, so many people i have yet to meet... it’s all so exciting. and i have to remind myself of that.

i spent this year reclaiming myself by trying new things and also going back to my roots. what did i love so much 5-10 years ago that i’ve forgotten about? what is something i’ve done that i didn’t do yesterday? what am i better at today than i was yesterday? what am i excited to make?

i’ve made so many wonderful connections along the way of reclaiming myself and i’ve found that i’ve deepened my relationships with people i’ve known my whole life. it’s still an ongoing thing, but i need to physically type this so that i remember my essence.

i’m happy to be in a place where i can be completely myself. 

it’s funny that i’m saying this now as i just wrote how i had a breakdown earlier. i think this goes to show how pain is necessary and inevitable, and i have to remember that i’m not immune to it. i can only find ways to better cope and deal with the pain.

when i’m criticized unjustly (from my viewpoint, at least), or when someone i’m sure will understand me doesn’t, i go running for a little longer than usual. by running longer, it’s like i can physically exhaust that portion of my discontent. it also makes me realize again how weak i am, how limited my abilities are. i become aware, physically, of these low points. and one of the results of running a little father than usual is that i become that much stronger. if i’m angry, i direct that anger toward myself. if i have a frustrating experience, i use that to improve myself. 

today i had made the mistake in internalizing that pain, coming to conclusions that i am insufferable and worthless. how did i get to a point where i validated all those false, negative thoughts? i think this is a constant battle and fight, and today i gave in. but what came out of it was sharing this vulnerable side of me to my closest friends, and that gave me the reassurance that i have people who love and care about me. that love and care sustains me. i want others to realize that too--love helps us thrive and makes us so much more excited about living.

--

i am reading murakami’s what i talk about when i talk about running for the second time and it’s so exciting to consume. i started reading his work at a ripe age of 12 (lmaoooo) and vicariously read his work (although not all!) throughout my teens. i realize that he has his own flaws, as stated here in this interview between him and mieko kawakami. i guess i feel a deep admiration for him because i loved his work so much growing up.

his memoir is straightforward and actually very insightful. i understand why he is an acclaimed author and commend him for his lifestyle. he lives in a way that’s so.... healthy and very *him*. he lives his life accordingly and has such a disciplined mind. i hope that by reading this again, i can adopt some of his own mantras and advice so that i can learn to sustain my own life.

[justseveralowls]

Self-Care: Anxiety Edition

Okay, so today I am going to start hopefully a recurring post series called “Self-care Sundays”. The idea behind these posts is to give gentle ideas for self-care for a variety of situations. I am hoping to include a range of activities that have a variety of energy requirements ranging from none/ very little to higher demand. I hope these are helpful and that I have the spoons to keep this pattern up.

Why self-care when anxious is important: 

Despite how often anxiety is dismissed as simply ‘being too high strung” or ‘just a part of life’, the effects it can have on your physical, social and emotional well being are undeniable. Chances are, even if you haven’t experienced long term or chronic anxiety, you’ve experienced at least some nasty effects from being anxious. Things like tension headaches, insomnia, irritability, digestive problems, and many others are pretty commonplace. These alone are nuisances, to say the least, but when turned into long term struggles they can worsen and even effect broader mental and physical health conditions. So caring for yourself while anxious, whether your anxiety is rare, sporadic, or chronic, is super important.

Low spoon/ Low energy

Unfollowing media that causes anxiety/stressors

Certain influencers, news apps, social media, triggering/ upsetting blogs or channels. As much as I didn’t want to admit this, unfollowing certain blogs and changing the books and movies I watched had a pretty impressive effect.

Setting up your phone/tablet/computer to have a do not disturb time.

Personally I have a daily ‘Do not disturb’ switch from 11 pm-7 am. This helps my focus this time toward preparing for the day, getting ready for sleep, or coloring.

Having limits on how often/how many times you check your email, particularly work or school if it is a major stressor.

Starting/ending your day with soft, calming or uplifting music and a few breaths (doesn’t have to be counted or deep.

Affirmations, either on post-its, on your phone, spoken allowed or just kept somewhere you can see them.

Heres a link to an anxiety affirmations list

Coloring. 

Adult coloring books are great and all but if that’s too hard (holding colored pencils or large spaces to color) then there is nothing wrong with kids coloring books (E has a Hello Kitty one and crayons) or if that’s still too high energy I love color by number apps.

White noise, or guided meditations 

Using apps to track mood and anxiety

Calm harm, Clear fear, Moody, ect

Hugging a pet, stuffed animal or friendly human

Mid- spoons/ Middle energy:

Brainstorm ways to make the stressful times of the day or week easier

Meal prepping/planning a meal out/ allowing yourself frozen food or boxed mac and cheese.

Give yourself small rewards to look forward to ( I download podcast episodes ahead of time and give myself something nice)

Prepping meds/vitamins ahead of time (proud owner of a ‘grandma pill container’)

Gratitude/positivity journaling (Can be just one line “Beautiful flower outside etc.)

Fidgets!

I absolutely love my fidget cube and magnet play thingy (sorry can’t really describe it better.

Learning to finger knit, crochet, knit or make friendship bracelets

This is actually awesome for allowing yourself to rest and recuperate while still feeling productive and getting the sweet sweet instant gratification. (I made this!)

Creating a google calendar to keep up with appointments and stuff. (Great for brain fog, systems, feeling overwhelmed, etc)

Give a self-massage, soak your feet, put on a face mask

Painting, collaging, writing, crafting, etc.

Higher spoons/Higher energy:

Making time for movement or activity of some type

IF YOU HAVE CHRONIC PAIN, ILLNESS, A HISTORY OF EATING DISORDERS/COMPULSIVE EXERCISE PLEASE BE SAFE AND DON’T HARM YOURSELF OR DISREGARD THE INSTRUCTIONS OF DOCTORS< COUNSELORS OR EVEN JUST YOUR BODY.

This can be a short walk, rocking in a rocking chair, dancing/moving to a song, going to an indoor pool and doing water walking (once I am off exercise restriction I intend to do this to treat my POTs and joint issues)

ONCE AGAIN STAY SAFE

Use a notebook at chart your anxiety, identify triggers and help with thought reframing.

This can help detect patterns and figure out what works best for you.

Venting to friends, to a stuffed animal or even to yourself

Seek out support groups (online or in-person) or pursue therapy (A lot of colleges have walk-in counseling for free, and there are lots of chat spaces/supports online)

Read/listen to media that inspires or calms you

If possible try a change of scenery 

I adore going to libraries, coffee shops, or even just a different room or part of my room within my own house.

More important than anything on this list is that you take this struggle seriously. This is a real problem and deserves your attention and acknowledgment. Your brain does not produce anxiety simply because it thinks it is fun. Like every feeling, anxiety serves a purpose and it’s crucial that you give yourself the patience and grace that would give a close friend. Caring for yourself isn’t laziness, narcissism or a character flaw. It the right, kind, and emotionally intelligent thing to do. You can get through this. You are doing great. Keep fighting.

R

[fatgalfitness]

I saw my new counselor for the second time yesterday.

And by saw, I mean video chatted because covid.

She's amazing. She's smart, quotes Brene Brown, and gives me space to explore a lot of things I have been shoving down for many, many years.

Each time I see this new counselor, it costs me $103.96.

I have a high deductible insurance plan. But I'm fortunate to have health insurance at all. I'm also fortunate to be able to shift my finances around to pay $103.96 every appointment.

I am privileged to have access to good care. I am privileged to have a stable job. I am privileged to be able to move my money around to pay for the help I need.

I almost didn't get here. I realized late last year that things were going sideways again. I knew that meant I needed to get back into a counselor's office. So I went to Anthem's website to look up a new one. The Care & Cost Finder didn't work. Okay. I called customer service. They told me to use the care & cost finder. It doesn't work. So I figured out that if I clicked Change PCP, I could game the system to search for counselors instead of primary care. Okay. Searched counseling. Nothing. Searched therapy. Nothing. Typed in psych..."psychological and psychiatric care" were the magical buzzwords to gain access to the list.

Okay, so now we're in. Sort by distance...and it kicked me out of the system. Okay. Go back in. Psych...okay, we're back. Don't sort. Don't touch anything. Just call the first one. Their office isn't accepting new patients. Okay. Call the second one. This number has been disconnected. Okay. Call the next three...they don't take Anthem.

Breathe.

Keep going down the list until you get a response. Under expected cost: N/A. Okay. Call the office, they can't tell you how much it will be either. "we don't know until we run it through your insurance" okay. Call the insurance. They can't tell you how much it will be until they receive the claim.

Oh. Kay.

Make an appointment with the first one that actually answers the phone. Next available: two weeks out. Okay.

Wait two weeks. Finally go in on your lunch break. Receive a 6-page intake form that you have to fill out in a busy waiting room. Hand it in. Wait. Get called back.

So tell me why you're here. Unload a little.

Well, what do you want to solve? Well, I don't know that I'm trying to SOLVE anything, but see, I have a panic disorder and...

Well, maybe you need medication.

I mean, yes, maybe I do, but I thought I'd come here first.

Time is up. Reluctantly schedule a second appointment because the thought of finding a new counselor is exhausting. You JUST did that.

Next available: two more weeks out.

One week later, bill comes: $97. Okay I guess. Must pay all out of pocket because of the high deductible.

Another week later, take another lunch break to go back. Arrive ten minutes early. Wait. Wait longer. Appointment time comes...and goes. Continue waiting. Ten minutes after appointment was to begin, new counselor comes out to get you, sucking on a steak n shake milkshake. Okay.

Sit down. Counselor is immediately aggressive.

Well I don't understand why you're here.

I mean, I just needed to talk to someone...

Well what have you done for yourself?

List out how you've grown over the last few years.

Well you need to try harder.

Breathe. Leave.

Text counselor, it's not working out.

Next bill: $97. Okay.

Develop anxiety-induced insomnia. Wait too long to go see PCP. Get insomnia meds and a referral to the local hospital's counseling network.

Call. No answer. Leave a message. No call-back. Call again. Get hung up on. Call again. Leave a message. No call-back. Call three days in a row during business hours. No response.

Give. Up.

Pandemic hits. Insomnia still wrecking you, anxiety skyrockets. Okay. It's time. You have to find someone. Care & Cost Finder finally works. Stalk three options on psychology today. Find one's business Facebook page. See Brene quotes. Send an email.

Only doing video appointments, is that okay? Absolutely! I have tomorrow available, or not again for two weeks... Take tomorrow.

First appointment reminds you of that amazing counselor you had in Louisville. The weird hippie lady who made you paint your feelings and wrecked her shoes walking through the park with you because you needed to be active.

No one knows how much it will cost until it's run. You take the risk.

$103.96.

You schedule a second appointment. You finally feel the weight lifting. You finally feel like you've found the right fit.

It's been 9 months of searching.

I share this saga with you because it should not be THIS hard to access mental health care. I am employed full-time, I have health insurance, and I am relatively tech savvy. I used to help people get access to care as my job. I know the system. And it was still this hard for me.

Imagine someone without health insurance. Without regular access to the internet. Without a car. Without money.

Also in mental distress. Also worrying about paying their rent. Also dealing with systemic racism. Also considered essential but making $7.75 an hour.

People are villified and judged for admitting they need help with their mental health. Barriers to care are sky-high. It shouldn't be this way.

I'm getting the help I need because I have the privilege of access, support, and finances. I shouldn't need those privileges.

If you're struggling to find the help you need, call me. There are options. There are patient assistance programs. I'm not saying it's going to be easy...but I am saying that it's worth it. And I fully believe that everyone deserves the help they need, and I'll do my damnedest to help you find it.

[beardedtriumphblizzard-blog]

Believe in the Power of YOU

The world is chaotic. There seems to be a unique connection between our life here on this planet and suffering. We see suffering all over the Earth. This goes from our personal life challenges to entire countries being locked into negative energy. It is interesting to note that people only seem to be concerned with their own life. This is not a bad thing but it is an unfortunate dilemma. 

You might disagree with me as you read this on your iphone that was made in a slave factory in China. You scoff at me as you where your clothes that were made in a Asian sweatshop. Hey! I am not here to judge. I am only making an observation.

I also wear those clothes and am typing this on my slave made imac. lol

This is not really the point of this post. The point of this post is that YOU do carry within you the POWER to change the planet.

You see, we take our orders and our advice from world leaders. The billionaires and the politicians feed the televisions, music, and social media with messages to depress you. They choose what news to tell you. They choose which television shows to produce. They decide what bands or groups get signed to make the next big album contract. They decide just about everything you see and hear.

Now how does a KING keep his power? How does a government ensure the people will not rise up and destroy their hold on society? I think you can figure it out. 

If not, I will tell you. They keep you held down with negative messages. They pick the show that scares you. They produce the music that promotes illegal or immoral behavior. They put chemicals in your food, so your body does not work right. 

They teach you only the things that will make you useful to society. Go to school they say.  They tell you to go to church but then promote the opposite ideas to you through the mass media. How does all of this effect you?

It slowly depresses you.

You see the elite in their private jets and their mega mansions that they obtained through slavery. You see the celebs partying with each other and having affairs, putting out sex tapes and doing drugs. So you think unconsciously, especially when you are young, that this is the life you want to live. You like the idea of the sex tape.  You want the money...the fame.  Why would anyone not want to be rich and famous?

The drugs, the food, the immoral music and movies, the news coverage of horrible events happening are all intended to scare you and depress you.

The drugs and sex make you feel good for a while. They really are intoxicating.

They want you to live in fear. They want you to stay in your house terrified of viruses and strangers. Does this sound familiar?

In the current world, we are experiencing this fear in record breaking numbers. The current virus being peddled as so scary is not scary at all. The current virus is nothing worse than the seasonal flu yet many people are living in fear.  That is all I will say about the current virus being peddled as some threat to the world.  Honestly, a virus can be bad.  The Flu can kill someone.

The point of all of this is that YOU actually have all of the power. YOU are only a slave when you live in fear. You are only a slave when you accept their messages. 

Sheep hide in their pens. Lions roam freely in the wilderness.

Create your world. Turn off the social media. Stop watching their idiotic shows. Reality TV is not even REAL! If you plan on being an idiot and a sheep then keep on doing your pointless shit. You will be depressed. You will become hooked on the pills they give you. You will get fat and get upset about how fat you are. You will go see a counselor and they will give you more pills that will screw up your chemical make up in your body and then you will be more depressed. You will watch dumb shows and forget that you can create your own life.

That is fine with me.  I really could care less.  I have learned that most people worship the alter of the elite.

But for those who want to be LIONS, TODAY is your day. Turn off your TV, delete those stupid social media apps, start working out, and eat better. You will take control of YOUR life. You will start your process to becoming a LION and you will feel better. You see, I know this because I have gone through it.

Stop listening to these self appointed leaders that think they own you.  Who are they anyway?  So what, they made some money!  Does that really make them BETTER than you.  You might say no yet you still grovel at their sight.  You are so excited to meet them.  You see them and envy them.

When you see a billionaire or a politician be weary of what they say. I am not saying they are all bad but the majority are. Think about it this way. When you walk into a prison, you are on guard. You feel kind of scared. You think all of those people are bad. Well, some of them are innocent, wrongfully prosecuted for crimes they did not commit.  Some are innocent.  Knowing this you are still weary of the prison because you know there are REAL criminals there. 

We should look at the billionaires and politicians the same way. The majority of them are bad and they do not want to help you so STOP listening to them. Stop wanting to shake their hands and tell people you have met them before.

Make your life better. Take care of you. Get off the couch and change your life. Start meditating daily. Start exercising. Start bonding with your neighbors and your family. Take off those stupid masks. Start buying less stuff. Why do you need all this stuff anyway? What is the point? Stop comparing yourself to others. Stop watching those dumb ass celebrities. Stop trying to look like them. All of it is fake anyway. They all pay a lot of money to look like that. Plastic surgery and steroids can do things that are FAKE. It is all fake so stop worrying about it.

Your power is inside of you. You are a part of GOD and you are in control of your existence. Feed yourself with positive messages and do not fear the world. Go out like a lion and stop hiding in your pen. Smile at someone and change their day. Make sure that you do not treat others as you do not want to be treated.

We love you.

[timelock97]

Love Without A Name

Chapter Two: The Start

Word Count: 2410

Masterlist

Warnings: Language

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The whole weekend, the ring stay nestled on my finger, catching my eye whenever it caught even the slightest bit of light. Whenever my mind wandered to my appointment on Monday, my fingers would go to twist at the ring, a habit I had when wearing other jewelry.

However, now it is hanging on a chain around my neck, hidden underneath the fabric of my work shirt. My eyes skim over the last document I had to file today, signing it at the bottom and logging out of my computer to clock out. I slide away from my desk before packing the last few things inside my bag, including a few patient files that I would have to look over later in the evening. I walk down the hall and knock on my supervisor's door, calling out "I'm headed out, Michelle. Text me if something on the form is wonky, blah blah blah."

She giggles from behind her desk before waving me off, "Have a nice afternoon, (Y/N). I'll see you tomorrow."

Waving back again, I head to the lobby and say a quick goodbye to the receptionist before heading to my car. The Heart Haven office was only a half hour drive, which should have calmed my nervous/excited nerves. Today is the day. The fact that I was about to state whether or not we could move forward with getting married clouds my mind.

Designs of a million different themes swim in the back of my mind from years of hoping this day would finally get here. These thoughts were hiding my reasons to worry, worry that after everything was said and done, we wouldn't be right for each other, that even in the end this didn't work out.

My mind is so preoccupied, that it takes a minute to register that I had parked my car and am just sitting, staring at the clock stating that I only had seven minutes to walk down to the building, not that it took that long anyways. Bag tucked over my shoulder; I walk down the flight of stairs down to the street level to take the usual route to the familiar building. Once it is in sight, I stand a minute out in the cold, snow filled air to admire the outside of the old, brick building. Take a minute to collect my thoughts. I sigh, walking carefully up the ice covered stairs and open the thick, wood door, cinnamon wafting outside as I do. I smile at the receptionist as I shrug off my coat and scarf and hang it on the hook by the door.

"Afternoon, Ms. (Y/L/N). Hazel should be finishing up her last appointment soon. Do you want anything to drink?"

"No, I'm fine, Jane. Thank you though." The woman behind the desk smiles warmly before looking back at her screen. I move to sit in one of the leather chairs, fingers automatically going up to the chain and ring again as I listen to the soft music playing in the background.

The sound of Hazel's laugh echoes down the hallway as she walks out with her latest client, he smiles brightly at her and pulls her into a quick hug before walking out the door. Her eyes fall on me, smile still tugged up on her cheeks. "Hey, girl, you ready for today?"

"As I will ever be." I whisper, letting out a small laugh before following her back toward the room, "Uh, thanks again for having me early."

"Not a problem, it worked out in all of our favors." She opens the door and the first thing I notice is that her computer screen is turned toward the door, a mic placed on the desk beside it.

"What's this?"

"Well," Hazel walks around me toward the chair before motioning me to sit down, "I talked to Todd, and we thought that this conversation was more between the two of you. So, we're gonna hang back and just let you two talk. The mic will pick up what you are saying and type it out."

"Still trying to keep it as secretive as possible?" I laugh, looking at her with what I can only hope is an excited expression, and not one that looks constipated.

"We know it'll all work out in the end. Whenever you are ready, I told Todd you would start the conversation." She walks to the door, heels clicking as she does before giving me one last smile and walking out.

Sighing, I run my fingers into my hair, pulling at the strands slightly before placing my face into my hands. "I don't know why they don't just give me a keyboard. Wouldn't that of made it easier?" A small ping comes from the computer, causing my head to snap up and see my last sentence is now visible on the screen. Panic creeps into my chest as I squeak out another reply, "Fuck, here we go. Hey, handsome!"

I watch in astonishment as his words begin appearing on the screen. Couldn't agree more, love. I think it's because they want us to just talk and not think about it too much. How was your day?

This is weird as all hell. "Uh, it was good, how was yours?"

I am exhausted, especially since my mates wanted to go out after I had just arrived home. Probably could have used the few extra hours of sleep.

"I can understand that. Um, did your, uh, counselor tell you about anything that has been going on this direction or were you left in the dark?"

Want to get right to the point, huh love? I run my hand through my hair, ready to speak again, but he beats me to it. He did, I will admit that that is not how I wanted to do this, the whole asking you to marry me thing. Would have wanted to do it differently.

"What would you have done?" My voice comes out small, but God, the thought of him wanting to plan something romantic causes butterflies to erupt in my stomach.

I don't know. From what we always talk about I most likely would have taken you on a small vacation, something that wouldn't have made you suspicious. Maybe do it while in bed, just the two of us. That sounds really cheesy doesn't it?

"Just cheesy enough, handsome." I smile, fingers fiddling with the ring. I lift it up and look at it again, smile widening. "If you don't mind me asking, what made you choose the ring? I absolutely love it by the way, but it's been giving me anxiety all weekend." A laugh escapes my mouth, and a part of me is disappointed that the computer doesn't pick it up. "Like this conversation, because you can't tell how people are talking over text."

I'm glad you like it, honestly was worried of what you would think. Uh, if I'm honest, love. I just walked into the jewelers and was wandering around, was planning on buying you a necklace if I remember correctly. I told the guy that was helping me that I was getting something for my girlfriend, and while looking around I just stumbled upon it. I asked to look at it and all I could think about was all the things I had been told about you and what I had learned from you and-

The thought of it being on your hand, as more than just a gift, excited me. So, I bought it, and carried it on me for about two months. Never showed it to anybody, so when I asked Todd about when I could meet you, and the means of what could be done, I gave him the ring to be sent to you in hopes that you felt the same.

"You knew you wanted to marry me before you were even told about the plan?" I look at the screen in disbelief, heart fluttering in my chest, filling with unconditional love.

I feel like I have known for awhile that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. To have you beside me for all the good times, and the bad. To raise little ones, watch them grow, and for us to grow old together. I'm ready for my next adventure, and I can't see anyone else more perfect to join me for the ride.

"You're going to make me cry, I swear to God." I swipe my finger under my eyes, catching a few tears before they escape.

Don't cry, love, it wasn't my intention, but I needed you to know.

"Well I am glad you told me." I smile at the screen, waiting for him to speak again, but he doesn't so I continue. "Did you know since the beginning; about that I didn't live in England?"

I was told about three months in.

"And that didn't scare you?" I whisper, glad the computer caught it.

It did, but I travel a lot for work, so it didn't bother me. Especially the more I got to know you.

"It felt like this whole thing was a dirty little secret, no one in my family knows about this, and only recently have I told one of my best friends because I just needed to talk it out."

My best mate thinks I am insane. Says ____, there are plenty of nice girls in London, what are you doing?

I immediately giggle, "Looks like we can't even catch a break on this system. Your name, or what I can assume is your name, got blocked out."

Damn, thought they would have let that slide. But either way, he's the only one that knows. But if we decide to do this, we have to tell our families.

"We have a lot to discuss."

We do. But first, I do have to ask. What are your thoughts?

"On getting married?"

Yeah

I smile, "I decided that maybe it's time I should be a little selfish and think of what I want."

And that is?

"If you really want me, that you want to try and be together and make it work, then yes. I will marry you." I watch as the screen blips, words popping up incoherently.

Woo-

Fuck yes-

I fucking love you-

I can't believe you said yes-

Wait it's still recording-

Uh, cool cool-

Oh, who am I kidding, I am completely ecstatic, my love.

At this point, I'm giggling so much at his giddy responses I don't know what else to say other than, "That was the cutest fucking thing ever, and I am taking a picture of that. And, handsome, I love you too, if you were wondering."

I can't wait to hear that in person. Cannot wait, my love.

Todd overheard my excited yelling and wants to come in and have us all talk with your counselor as well, is that alright, love?

"Perfectly fine, handsome." I whisper into the mic before standing and walking over to the door and smiling at Hazel. "They wanna all talk together."

"Then let's get this party started, shall we?"

The next two hours go as smoothly as they can. Todd and Hazel help the two of us begin our plans on when we could get married, and after some discussion, sooner seemed to be better than waiting any longer. As Hazel and Todd attempt to discuss when exactly the wedding should take place, I sit in silence. My phone buzzing in my side pocket pulls me from my fuzzy, love-struck thoughts. I glance at Hazel before pulling it out of my pocket and seeing that he had texted me.

-----

Him

Maybe we should have just discussed these ourselves before bringing them in?

Her

Most definitely. What are you thinking, date wise?

Him

Late spring or early summer, this year?

Her

Late May maybe? It would be beautiful.

Him

Perfect, now, it would be easier for my side of the family to fly anywhere I believe. So why don't we come to you. Is there anywhere you would want to get married?

-----

"(Y/N)?"

My head snaps up, and I attempt to hide my phone as if I was back in high school, hiding it from the teacher. "Uh, yes?"

Hazel looks at me in amusement. "It seems that neither you or your fiancé are paying attention in your appointments." She giggles at the end. "What are you two discussing?"

"When we would want to get married, he asked if there was any place here I'd like to get married."

She nods before leaning over and placing her finger to her ear piece, "Todd, did he admit that too?" She pauses before giggling. "Okay, here is the plan, we don't see you both till next week. So, figure out the main things that you two think you should figure out, Todd and I will get some other things figured out. Everything that should be discussed and either decided on or close to being decided on the time you come back. Sound like a plan?"

I laugh, nodding softly. "Yeah, sounds like a plan."

"Perfect." She lets out a small farewell to the man on the other end of the phone before standing. "Alright, I'll have Jane print out a list that you and him need to discuss for the week and I will see you next Tuesday, okay?"

"Yup, and uh, thanks again."

"Feel a little better about everything?"

"Yeah, I do." I look at her, nodding extensively before letting out a laugh. "Still nervous, but we will just have to see about everything."

"Everything else is just cracks in the sidewalk, sometimes you have to walk over them, around, or take a different path, but in the end we all get to our destination." She hugs me before taking in her next appointment, leaving me to wait in the waiting room for Jane. She is on the phone, but she pushes her chair away from the desk and grabs something off the printer before passing it to me. She mouths a quick, 'buh-bye' with a wave before going back to the person on the other end of the phone. I walk out of the building with a skip in my step, smiling at the small line of dialogue that replays in my mind as I walk back to my car.

I fucking love you.

I love you too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think! Reblog and comment!

@revenantwriting | @bellagrayson-wayne | @jackiehollanderr | @snowxbarryxendgame | @let-me-luve-you | @mybitchborky | @linnyalou | @fanficscuziranout​ | @literallytrashhhhhh | @akweenbitch

Chapter Three 

[oddfawnn]

New Diagnosis, New Me

I was an EMT for about 3 years. I started when I was 20. On my 21st birthday they put me on a truck for the first time. I was so scared. EMT school did not prepare me for the things I had to learn on that truck.

It took a good while, but I got pretty good at my job. I was so proud of it. I felt like I belonged to a family.

When I was a freshman in high school, I’d been diagnosed with depression. I’d been through many psychiatrists, counselors and medications when I started working as an EMT. I thought I was as stable as I could get. Looking back, I was never stable. I was on extremely high doses of various antidepressants, and they’d frequently get switched around because they just weren’t working. I had no idea how to compartmentalize or cope. I had no stable relationships aside from my mom and dad.

Obviously as an EMT I saw things no one should have to see. Some people deal with those things in a healthy way. I was not one of them. Somehow though, I thought I could do it. I though the therapy and medications would make it better. For a long time I thought I was handling it. I thought I was socializing but really I was just finding excuses to drink and do stupid things for laughs.

I started taking less pride in my work. I became bitter and cynical. I’ve always been an extremely empathetic person, and I considered this to be a strength as well as a flaw. I saw that empathy fading. The few friendships I had were not being nurtured in a healthy way and I think at some point I made decisions that sabotaged those relationships. The “family” I thought I belonged to as an EMT was not there for me when it mattered. I was not given the support I needed. In fact, the environment was so unhealthy and toxic. They (not everyone, but the majority) tore me down when I needed picked up. The gossip was worse than a hair salon and I’m ashamed to say I was a part of it all. By the time I was able to be honest with myself and acknowledge the damage that was being done to my mental health, I was diagnosed with PTSD. Seems extremely obvious now.

I continued counseling. I tried to work part time instead of full time. It didn’t change anything. I was still just as bitter and I dreaded work. I didn’t know what I wanted for my life anymore. I dropped in and out of various classes and changed my major a few times searching for the right direction. I was so, so lost.

Somewhere along the way I met my now husband. He was the only light in my life at that time. He was an EMT too and I could talk to him about things. He supported me even when what I was doing wasn’t logical. To this day I’m not sure why he stuck around during such a tumultuous time in my life.

After I quit EMS completely I had an identity crisis. Who was I if I’d always defined myself by what I did as a career? I started a job working with mentally ill people like me. I was supposed to be in recovery with my mental illness but my doctor at the time did not see that I was very much not ok.

I married my husband in 2017. About a month after our wedding, I hit an all time low. I was very afraid of where my head was. I was going to weekly therapy, taking my meds and seeing my doctor regularly. I was doing everything right, so why wasn’t I ok? I began to feel hopeless.

When I finally was able to see the only psychiatrist in my city that has consistently treated mental health in an effective way, it was the middle of 2018. My husband and I had a very rough start to our marriage, in large part due to my declining mental health. I had no friends. I couldn’t hold a job. My family was worried about me. Heck, I was worried about me.

My new doctor, (God bless him) discovered that for nearly 10 years, I’d been misdiagnosed. It was obvious as day to him at my first appointment. He said the large doses of antidepressants I’d been given were even making me worse. At the time of my appointment with him, I was taking a medication that made me throw up every morning unless I took it with Zofan, an anti emetic. He was very upset with my previous doctor because the medications weren’t even slightly working, so there was absolutely no need to make me so uncomfortable. Also, Zofran is not meant to be taken regularly like that.

I am Bipolar. Type 2, specifically. That means I have very low “lows” and mild, less frequent “highs.” But the antidepressants I’d been taking for 10 years had me tilting back and forth way too often. He took me off everything I was currently taking and put me on a low dose of a mood stabilizer with a very low dose of an antidepressant. Simple.

You guys...within a week I felt like a new human. So much so that my brain decided I could handle some of my more traumatic memories. It’s insane to me how our minds can file things away until we are at a point where we can handle those memories. For this, I was sent to a specialist that utilized EMDR therapy to help me process those traumatic memories. It helped so, so much. I’m no longer afraid to think about those things, even though they’re still painful. They no longer have control of my life.

Today, I still have bad days here and there but I know how to handle them. My marriage is so much healthier, though we’re still learning. Earlier this year, my parents and my husband and I found our chrch home. I am saved, and I know that even in my lowest lows God loves me so, so much. I’ll go more in depth on my spiritual journey in a later post.

I want to take the time and thank my husband for standing beside me when I so didn’t deserve it. He is so gracious with me. I also want to give a shoutout to my parents and my husbands family for not giving up on me or judging me when I was going through tough times. Love y’all so so much.

[arethereanyoriginalusernames]

Zoophobia Rewrite #4

Requested by @cremaset-tm.

Gee, haven't done one of these in a million years. Ok, I'm just gonna get some disclaimers and whatnot out of the way before we begin. I am going to be retconning some elements of my last rewrite as I'm not particularly proud of it and plan to redo it. Also, zoophobia belongs to our Lord and Savior Vivziepop. This is not meant to be an attack on her in any way. This is simply a series where I rewrite Zoophobia and try to make it at least a little better. Please feel free to tell me what you think. I hope you enjoy.

I apologize for wasting your time.

-ATOUN

--------------------------------

LAST TIME ON THIS SHIT SHOW;

Orange Juice and Yeeting-ourselves-away-from-sinful-demons made out mentally, angry sinnimon roll did a bad, and tried to separate them, and locked a Very Sad Valid Boi in a locker. Long story short, Orange Juice and his girlfriend are still best ship, Sinnamon Roll pretends not to care, and Valid Boi is very angry.

And that's what you missed on that essay long post. Back to the show.

Cameron is sitting in her office, trying to recover from the Vegenza attack.

Yeah, just to clarify, in this version, both Simon and Vegenza got away as the school was relatively unprepared when they showed up. Carrie has been introduced, but Gustav, Nathan, Horris, and Fabian haven't been introduced YET. And neither has Keiko.

Anyways, Cam is trying to calm down as her nerves are basically shot. I like to imagine that she has like a rubrics cube or a stress ball or something that she's messing around with. There's a knock at her door, which causes her to jump. She whips out a baseball bat, screaming "WHO IS IT?" Turns out it's Jack. He calls out through the door, asking if it's alright if he comes in despite not scheduling an appointment. Cam calms down, and decides to let him in as she has nothing else scheduled and she wouldn't refuse a student that needs a counselor. It's been an entire day since the Vegenza event, but Jack is still angry at his cousin. He can't believe that after everything Dame has done, he can just act like nothing happened. Once settled, Jack starts ranting about his issues with Dame, describing what he did last chapter. Except we skip him explaining it to Cam since we the audience don't need Ingo repeated at us.

Cameron asks Jack if Dame is like this to everyone. Jack says he doesn't know. For as long as he's known Damian, Dame has been nothing but a brat who doesn't care about anyone or anything just as long as he gets his way. However, whenever Jack asks Dame's friends about him, he gets a completely different story. They see him as more of a mischievous dork than anything. Cam asks who these friends are, and we transition to the film club as we get a frame of a silhouetted Damian laughing. In a text box, Jack says that he always sees Sahara and Addison hanging out with him.

In the film club, Dame has finished telling the story about his cousin and the pyromaniac. He laughs his ass off, Sahara snickers, and Addi just acts like this is perfectly normal (we get his line about hearing this story 300 times, but he kinda spammers on this line and looks shy and dorky because introvert). Quinton looks horrified, and the twins look uncomfortable. Lenny, however, decides to awkwardly laugh and compare it to when he and Vince would do this sort of thing.

Quinton asks Dame about the events of the last chapter, asking if he really locked up Jack in a locker. Damian denies it, and this earns him a glance from Sahara and Addison. Quinton still looks uneasy, however Vince cuts in, saying that he, Lenny, and Quinton need to finish up the editing for their latest video. Damian jokingly asks if it's porn, which not only amuses Addi and Sahara, it gets a chuckle out of the other 3. They leave, and, in a shot of them walking out, we see a creeped out Mackenzie sneaking out. She hisses at Dame on the way by.

Once they're gone, Addi gets sassy (It's the Return of Sassy Addi!) He asks why Mackenzie even joined this club as she doesn't even do anything. Damian points out that Addi doesn't do anything either, and Addi replies that at least he has friends here, eliciting an "Oooohhhh snap" from the other two.

Sahara, however, confronts Dame about the events of the last chapter. She doesn't buy the b.s. he's trying to bring to the marketplace, and Dame admits that he did kinda sorta maybe probably lock Jack in a locker. Sahara also asks if he ruined zill and kayla's anniversary, and Dame just gives a response of "so what if I did?" Sahara isn't too pleased about this, saying that one of these days, Dame's going to get into some serious hot water because of his behavior. For a moment, Sahara just glares at him while Dame squirms uncomfortably.

Sassy Addi comes to the rescue as he asks if anyone has brought any snacks. Apparently none of them did, but between Sahara and Addi (Dame has money, but he can't use it on the surface as they don't take weird looking coins ) they have about 20 dollars. Sahara suggests that they go to the nearby Marketplace and buy some ice cream. They head out of the club and start walking down the hallway when Dame stops. On the wall is a notice for a religious studies group that has the Christian Cross on it. It's just a notice saying to "bring back any missing textbooks ", but Dame only sees the cross. Maybe this panel can be shaded in a way that makes the viewer only see the cross as well.

Addi notices that Dame isn't walking with them, so he walks backwards over to where Dame is, and pokes him. Damian jumps a little, and finally sees the rest of the notice. Addi asks if everything is a-ok, which Dame claims it is. He starts walking away to join Sahara (who's basically leaving their asses), when Addi grabs him by the shoulder. Addi isn't too pleased about the shit dame pulled in the last chapter, and says about as much. Damian asks if Addi is going to give him shit as well, and brushes him off. Addi asks if Dame has at least apologized to his cousin. Dame says that Jack is fine, and we transition back to Cam and Jack.

Cam asks about Dame's parents. We learn about the existence of Styx and Tentadora, then transition to hell. We get the scene with Styx and the tiny demon guard things, as well as his interaction with Satan. Styx marches over to Tentadora's room and starts banging on it, yelling at her to tell him where the dark Prince is. Tenta scares him by showing up behind him and telling him that she's sure that Damian is fine, and in his room probably. Styx asks if Tenta has even been keeping an eye on him, which Tenta respondes to by asking if Styx has been keeping an eye on him. Styx gets flustered and storms off to Dame's room, yelling his name. After Damian does not respond, Tenta tries, calling Dame in a sort of lovely dovey sing songidh way. After he doesn't respond to that, Tenta kicks his door open. Yes, she kicks it open because Dame gets no privacy. Damian isn't there, but somebody else is.

Bozzwick. Styx demands to know why Bozz is there, but he doesn't give a clear reason. I'd like to add that Bozz appears to be looking for something in Dame's room. The three demon sisters are there too.

They're Damian's 3 pet hell sprites, and I had this idea that since they're based off of "hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil ", they act like a mix of monkeys and, I dunno, bloodhounds. And they're bouncing around, acting like, well,monkeys.

Also, since I can see Dame being the type who doesn't do his homework, he has a LOT of unfinished homework under his bed, which, thanks to the demon sisters, Bozz has found. Bozz confronts Styx and Tentadora about these strange papers, and Tenta spills about Dame going to ZPA. Styx tries to threaten Bozz, saying he better not tell. Bozz says he won't, and then Tenta remembers that Damian has film club today. They teleport to the surface (the sisters go with him), and of course, right after they're gone, Bozz immediately goes to tell on them to Satan, and he has one evil ass grin on his face .

On the surface, Styx and Tentadora start heading towards the school, but of course Tenta isn't taking it seriously, and is getting distracted by everything around her, and every body around the ground is getting distracted by Tenta because holy sheet, there be a hot lady. During their banter, we learn about why Satan can't know why Dame is up here. Styx and her start to argue, but they stop when they see the sisters wandering off in a different directon. When Styx tells them to come back, Vespa (the mute) holds up a sign with an arrow on it, and Verin and Vetis say they've picked up their master's trail. Styx and Tentadora decide to go with it, and follow them.

Back with the dork group, Dame is running around like a kid in a candy store, admiring everything around him. Some people clearly find this wierd, but Addi and Sahara are clearly amused by it. Addi asks Sahara how freaking far this ice cream shop is, and Sahara admits that she thought it was closer. Addi suggests that maybe it moved, and of course Dame materializes in front of them, excitedly telling them about a comic book shop he found. They decide to go there instead, and noticeably here, there appears to not be a lot of people around. Suddenly, a wild Leeson the crazy priest appears.

From his stand, Leeson yells at them about reading the bible. Damian, noticing the cross on his stand, turns away, and sarcastically replies that they'd love to read a way too long book and end up like Leeson. Addi decides to sass the priest a little, although he's low key hiding behind Sahara because shy, and he has his line of how rude it is to just yell at strangers. However, Leeson gets up, and starts walking towards them, still babbling that tasty religious shit.

We see Dame's hand start to shake as Leeson comes closer, and his hand starts to grow claws. Dame grabs his wrist, telling himself to calm down, not noticing his horns starting to appear on his head. His friends notice, and Addi asks if he's going to be ok, saying that he and Sahara can distract the priest while Dame hides. Dame snaps that he's fine, noticeably growling, maybe with some effect on his speech bubble indicating that his voice has changed somehow. He covers his mouth and turns away from Addi, crouching down and trying to calm the fuck down.

Leeson is getting closer, still oblivious and yattering about religion, and we see Dame quietly hiss as he approaches, a snake tongue slipping through his fingers into view, and we get a glimpse of some razor Sharp teeth. Sahara tries to tell Lee to fuck off, but he doesn't listen, saying he plans to save the children. Then Lee does the worst thing possible. He grabs Addi by the shoulder. Addi freaks out and screams at him to "let go", and Sahara tries to shove Lee away, but to no avail. And of course, Addi screaming pushes Dame over the edge. Lee is thrown backwards by some unseen force (telekinesis ), and lands rather roughly on top of his stand.

Damian screams in some wierd, clearly not normal voice for Leeson to fuck right off. Sahara yells at Dame to calm down, but is interrupted by Leeson holding up a cross, screaming about Dame being a demon. Sahara yells at Lee that he's making it worse and scaring Dame, but Lee ignores her, calling Dame various discriminatory names for demons. At this rate, Dame has the tentacles out, claws out, horns out, is floating up in the air, and is ready to stab a bitch. We get his mini speech of "you think you know me, but you know nothing" from the og. He's interrupted, however, by a gun shot, and a bullet grazing his arm. Oh shit, it's the fuze, Po and Poe. They trap Dame with their electric rod thingies and start electrocuting Dame, who is forced back into his jackal form from the pain.

During this time, Sahara and Addi are trying to save Dame, Sahara picking up rocks and throwing them at the feds, yelling hexes that probably don't work, trying to free Dame, while Addi is trying to help by begging the feds to let Dame go. Addi does a 180, however, when he hears the feds mention Xirxen. He suddenly starts trying to convince Sahara to run away, saying that they need to leave. Sahara yells at Addi to get a hold of himself, but Addi yells back that they can't do anything. Dame screams in pain, and then Tenta shows up for the rescue, followed by the 3 sisters and Styx.

Now, for the sake of time, I'll be more or less vague with the next couple scenes as it plays out more or less like the OG, so I'll skip to where it deviates. In hell, Styx and Tenta are spoken to before Dame. Dame has gotten his arm looked at and has a bandage on it. The sisters are keeping him company, rolling around, basically goofing off. He's waiting outside the throne room and bits of the discussion between the adults are heard. We then transition to inside the throne room. We get a little bit more exposition about demons and safe haven and why Dame can't be on the surface. Cutting back to Dame, he's suddenly approached by Bozz. Bozz is there to mock and torment him, which he does. He nearly sends Dame over the edge again, but Dame keeps himself from strangling Bozz and tells him to fuck off.

Damian is called into the throne room, and we get the same convo between Dame and his parents as the OG. After problems are sorted out, we transition back to Cam and Jack.

Cam says something along the lines of "ok, so from the sounds of it, your cousin is a little bitch" Jack agrees, then apologizes for bothering Me Walden. Cam says it's perfectly fine, and that he can talk to her anytime. Jack says he has to go since he has work, so he bids farewell to Cam, and leaves. Cam leans back in her chair a bit, staring up at ceiling. Suddenly, there's another knock, and surprise bitch, it's Zechariah. Apparently Jackie is making a coffee run for anyone staying after school, and is going around asking what people want. After Cam requests a medium coffee, and Zech sends the order through, Zech asks how she's doing after the vampire attack. Cam says she's fine, pauses, and asks if she can ask Zech a question. If ZPA is really meant to be a safe environment for students. .....

Why is Damian there?

Zech sighs, and tells Cam that Damian is harmless and she doesn't need to worry. Cam bites back, citing the previous chapter, and asking if he's really that "harmless ". She points out that he's the goddamned anti christ, and if anything, he should be locked up or at least be put under constant observation, and should not be allowed anywhere near the school, as well as any other demons that attend the school. Carrie (who is a half demon ), busts in and asks if Cam would like to say that again to her face. Zech keeps them apart, and yells at Cam that he will not discriminate against any student, regardless of who and what they are. This sends Cam cowering back into a corner. Zech sighs and sends Carrie out of the room. Carrie protests, but eventually leaves, glaring at Cam.

Zech says that he realizes that it's been a stressful time for Cam, but he reminds her that she should still treat him and everyone else with respect. Cam apologizes and admits that she's tired. A lot still isn't making sense to her, and between learning that vampires exsist, and learning that the anti christ is real, and trying to adapt to her new home, it's been stressful.

Zech offers to walk around with her a bit to help calm her down, saying she's free to talk to him and the staff whenever she needs to. Cam accepts, and they walk out of Cam's office, only to bump into Latika.

Latika apologizes, saying she was just booking an appointment for her so-- uuh, she meant student. After bidding them good night, Latika and Zech share a glance and a nod, and then Latika leaves. Taking the sign up sheet off the wall, Cam reads the name of the student Latika booked.

Addison Woods

----------------------

END.

[mhdiaries]

Journal of Jackson Jekyll

Yes, I do mind if you read my journal.

On September 9...

So it turns out I’m a monster. Well part-time monster actually, which leaves me pretty much full-time confused. It’s not like I didn’t know that mom and dad were both monsters. The first time I saw mom’s Hyde side come out was when I was 5 and we were visiting my dad’s side of the family. Some of the little neighborhood monsters decided that they were going to play “kick the can” only they were going to use me as the can. Every time I tried to run home they blocked my way and pushed me down. I started crying and then they really started making fun of me. Then all of a sudden I heard this roar and there was my mom. Even though it didn’t look like her I knew it was and honestly all I could think was, “Why mother, what big muscles you have.” Needless to say I never had any problem with the local monsters again. Dad’s a fire elemental of course and I grew up playing with Heath so I was never afraid of monsters. I just didn’t think any monster heritage had passed on to me. When I asked mom and dad if they knew me and Holt were the same person they said, “Of course we knew you and Holt were the same person - we’re your parents; now finish your breakfast or you’ll be late for school.” Well thanks for clearing that up for me mom and dad. Cause you know it’s not like having that little bit of information would have been helpful at all. Good thing I’m past those awkward teenage years where news like this could really have a negative impact on my psyche. (Ooh - sarcasm. I like it) HH

On September 12...

I had to go to the mad scientist, I mean mad pediatrician, today. Mom says that until I’m an adult I need to continue seeing him because he has the most experience dealing with growing monsters. I feel fine but mom and dad are worried because what triggers my transformation to Holt has changed. It used to happen when the sun went down but now it seems to be loud music, I think. The waiting room was almost empty except for a mother werewolf and two young cubs. While mom filled out paperwork I sat down and tried to find something to read that wasn’t chewed, gooed or covered in monster germs. Then I heard one of the werewolf cubs say, “Mommy! Is that a normie?” “Yes honey, don’t stare.” “Is he going to eat us?” I could tell that she was embarrassed so I said, “No way - I’m totally allergic to werewolf it makes me sneeze - ACHOO!” The cubs eyes got really wide and then she started laughing, “Aw that’s not true.” Then she held up her foot and said, “I can tie my shoe!” I said, “That’s amazing, can you show me how?” The werewolf mom relaxed too and it turns out she’s related to Clawd’s family. Pretty soon a lab assistant appeared, “Jackson Jekyll?” She led us back to a room and said, “The doctor will be with you shortly.” Then, “The wait.” Which means sitting on the crinkly paper covered exam table forever and wondering what would happen if I started playing with the instruments in the exam room and the doctor walked in. Anyway just about the time I woke up enough boredom and courage to start picking up some of the cooler looking instruments laying on the counter I hear the mad pediatrician pulling my chart and the door opens. He’s wearing a lab coat with purple vampire ducks and his stethoscope cover is a fuzzy yellow dragonhead. I’m sure it calms the younger monsters but it scares the normie out of me that the volatile nature of my elemental side + my hyde heritage + being a teenager = constant change. He said that the trigger would probably change again before I reach adulthood. Then he gave me a lollypop, scheduled me for another test and said he wanted to see me again in three months. Now I’m worried about what the trigger is going to change to next. What if it’s showers? Would it be worth giving them up for the rest of high school just so I can have my own life? (Not unless you want your new nickname to be “Stinky”) HH 

On September 21... 

It seems like I spent the first part of my life wishing I was a monster and now that I am maybe now I wish I wasn’t. (Well you’re stuck with it now.) HH When I was spending all that time trying to get Draculaura to bit me so I could become a vampire I never really thought about anything except wanting to fit in with all the other monsters. Now the part of me that fits in doesn’t even get to enjoy it.(Whine much?) HH It’s like the worst of both worlds and now I don’t fit in anywhere at all. We’re all supposed to meet with Mr. D’eath, the school guidance counselor, this week. Wonder if I’ll need to make two appointments (Lame - I already know what I’m going to be... FAMOUS!) HH

On September 23...

So I had my appointment with Mr. D’eath today it started out  about as terrible as I thought it was going to be. Turns out he’d never counseled a “normie” and it seemed like he didn’t know exactly what to say. In fact, he mostly just spent a lot of time squeezing one of those stress balls made to look like a cartoon character with eyes that bugged out when you squeezed it. It was pretty distracting especially when I realized it was a cartoon “normie”. The squeezing wasn’t nearly as distracting as his “throat clearing” which kind of sounded like a hand full of marbles being run through a garbage disposal. I kept trying to figure out how he made that noise because he doesn’t really even have a throat since as far as I can tell he’s pure skeleton. He must have flipped through my permanent record ten times before he finally said: So you see Hackson... I mean Jackson, the career opportunities for normies in the monster world are somewhat er... um... (sound of marbles being run through the disposal again) limited. There’s monster hunter, monster hunter’s assistant, mad scientist, ooh hunchback! You don’t happen to have a hump do you? No? Bad luck there then. Ah hah! How about Monster/Normie Relations Expert? (Figured it’d be something where the wardrobe is even less cool than what you wear now) HH Well that was something I certainly knew a little something about. I had an old coach in the normie world that used to always say, “Play to your strengths Jackson, play to your strengths.” So Mr. D’eath loaded me down with college brochures and rushed me out of his office. I think both of us were glad it was over. 

On October 8...

Finally took that test my mad pediatrician set up for me. It turned out to be a test to determine the type and volume of music that brings out Holt. So I sat in a soundproof booth wearing headphones while a technician played music at different volumes and with different time signatures. I made it through waltzes, marches, polka and chamber music but I don’t remember what he played next. (That’s when he started playing the good stuff.) HH Anyway the results of the test isolated the trigger; music with a 4/4 time signature played in excess of 90 decibels. You know what’s good about this? Me neither.

On November 2...

It seems now that every monster knows Holt and me are the “same” person/monster I don’t get hassled as much for being a “normie”. Not that it makes any difference to Manny Taur since he pretty much wants to bully down on any creature who’s smaller than he is. When he first started picking on me I stood up to him cause once a bully knows he can push you around he’ll never stop, but Deuce finally took me aside and said, “Listen bro - you’ve won a lot of respect standing up to Manny and don’t take this the wrong way but...” Apparently Manny was waiting for the right time to mash me like a slow matador. I kept waiting for it to happen but it never did. In fact it seemed like Manny was purposely avoiding me for some reason. It was almost like some monster had said something to him. (Yeah - wonder who that could have been?) HH

On November 15... 

Headless Headmistress Bloodgood asked for “volunteers” to help with the middle school carnival fundraiser so Deuce and I volunteered for set up and take down duty. It was cool and we didn’t have to dress up like clowns or sit in the dunk tank. We set up tents, carried boxes then hung out and waited for everything to be over. We checked out some of the other booths too cause we had plenty of time to kill. Venus and Draculaura were doing face painting; Rochelle was teaching monsters how to build sand castles, some of which would have looked pretty good if they hadn’t been built next to Rochelle’s sand cathedra with working bell tower and miniature gargoyles. The best though was the stunt Robecca performed. She flew over the carnival a couple of times to get every monster’s attention then flew straight up until it sounded like her rocket boots stalled and she came streaking back toward the ground like a falling star. A huge gasp went up from the crowd as it looked like she was going to crash then she fired her rockets back up and totally buzzed the crowd less than 20 feet off the ground! It was so awesome I actually gave Holt a chance to see her second performance. (Thanks dude - it was totally rockin’ and I would have been bummed if I didn’t get to see it) HH When the carnival was over we helped take everything down and all the volunteers went to hang out at the Coffin Bean. It was dark by then and I would have missed out on that part of the fun if things were the same as they used to be. Still hoping I won’t have to give up showers someday though. (That makes both of us “Stinky”) HH

[xcanadianxredheadx]

Massive Update: June 13-July 9th 2018

Jun 13, 2018, 4:32:53 AM So on June 12th I turned 31.

The following story was an event that made my day absolutely terrible and made me emotionally unstable and unable to leave the house, so it made for a very shitty birthday due to what happened.

Around Midnight, just as the 12th hit, my dad revealed to me (over Facebook Messenger..) that my stepmom has cancer that has spread to her lungs but from where they do not know. His exact words were : "Oh and bad time to tell you this but [stepmom's name] has cancer, we just found out today."

I started crying when I read this, and he continued to tell me that they need to find out where it is so it can be treated and that she has appointments all week, along with my nephew not knowing about it. I shut my phone off after this and fully broke down to the point where I was still crying as I fell asleep.

Fast forward to 11:22am :

After hearing the news that my stepmom had cancer, my mood went straight to hell, and I messaged my dad over Facebook Messenger. Following are the texts that were exchanged:

Me: Not really wanting to do anything for my birthday today. There's nothing I can think of that I want to do so I'm just going to stay at home today and relax.

Dad: you don't want to come down for pizza or anything?

Me: You guys could always come up here. I don't really have the mental energy to leave the house today.

Dad: if want want to sit at home and stew in your shit what ever we have to babysit some kids later Happy BIRTHDAY

Me: ....that was not nice, dad

Dad: Well what do you except we try and do something nice and you don't want to you are talking to [stepmoms kids] years ago (I think he was comparing me to them? I don't know...dad is confusing when he types.)

if you want to come down fine if not dont.

THEN he posted after I posted a status of "Not really wanting to out today despite it being my birthday" I just want to stay at home today and game."

Dad: we did invite you out but you don't so I will eat the cake my self.

Keep in mind, I had already broken down that day, and was already unstable. After all this happened, I broke down a lot, I lost count of how many breakdowns I had yesterday, and I slept a lot as well, I was so unstable and upset that I couldn't really leave my bed, I didn't eat until at least 10pm or so, and that was just Crunchy Fajita TAKIS and Peach Peace Tea.

I'm still very bitter over it now and I'm just sick and tired of being treated like shit and made to feel like whatever decision that contradicts my parents' is wrong.

I hate it...I absolutely hate it and I feel like I'm the bad guy even when I know I'm not and it's just fucking ridiculous how toxic things have gotten.

Like..how can he justify any of this and his attitude towards everything? It's sickening.

I'm lucky I have friends and my girlfriend. I leaned on them heavily today for support, because I really needed it, and I still do. I am very bitter, upset, and angry. I'm not crying anymore, I'm just at the point where I don't think I can cry unless something tips me over emotion-wise.

So...yeah...

That was a fucking awesome birthday =_=

Jun 25, 2018, 4:55:57 PM So the past couple of weeks have been hell. My dad was an ass on my birthday and that made my depression flare along with my anxiety. Unluckily for me it has affected how I work. I also haven't eaten since saturday because I have like....no food in the house and I've been surviving off of sleep and iced tea. I am an unstable, emotional mess and even my manager is worried and suggested I go to a counselor soon.

Welcome to my fucked up life.

July 1st So, starting later on today (sunday) i'm going to visit my cousin and aunt who I haven't seen in a while. It'll be nice to visit them for a couple of days, then I'll be coming home after that and I think it'll be nice to just be around family members that actually care and worry about me. Last Tuesday I went to see Jurassic World and it was pretty awesome. I'm still having my bad days here and there but...maybe this is the universe's way of telling me things are going to be okay? I'm not sure, I don't want to get my hopes up too high after all but...I'm starting to genuinely feel like things are working out just a little.

July 7th So, first of all, I want to say that my Manager is the sweetest, most thoughtful person I have ever worked with. Earlier today at work she and I were talking about the backpacks and talking about which ones we liked, when she mentioned there was only 3 Captain America backpacks still in the back as she knows my love of the Marvel Universe.

I was a bit surprised that we had actually gotten something like that in, and she offered to let me see one, to which I agreed. When she came out with the backpack, I was over the moon with how awesome it was. It had a lined fleece back that could hold your laptop/tablet/whatever, then 8 other pockets with various uses, and when she noticed how much I loved it, she bought it for me as a surprise late birthday gift and it just made me insanely happy.

The backpack, by the way, was originally $169 but with the 50% off and an employee discount, it came out to $66. It's a beautiful, heavy duty backpack with a canvas-type bottom so it's got a lot of durability and I'm over the moon about it. I'm going to be using it a lot and it just...oh man it made my day :D The back is even embroidered!

So yeah, it was a good day n_n

I also worked shipping today, which was really relaxing.

July 9th Yes, it's my stepmom's birthday, she's 63 today and I would have gone down there if it hadn't been for the shitstorm my dad created when he treated me like shit on my birthday. I still haven't forgiven him for it and I don't think I will anytime soon. Who the fuck does he think he is? Does he really think I'm just going to let that go? No. I'm not. Not anytime soon and certainly not within less than a month of when it happened. I understand he's most likely stressed and stuff over the news he got that day...thing is, that doesn't give him an excuse to treat me like shit and make me stressed out as well. Not to mention the news should NEVER be told over a goddamn MESSAGING SERVICE. He's less than a 5 minute drive from me (about a half hour walk) so...why the hell couldn't he just come and tell me after my birthday or something?!

Sorry...getting caught up in the grudge I'm holding.

Anyway, this has stressed me out a bit and I've shut my phone off for now until he gives up. I can't handle him right now, and I shouldn't have to if I don't want to.

[madnadidraw]

Parents/Caregivers Take Note:

It is currently 12:15 AM at the time of me beginning to write this. 

The night before this post, I tried to make a text after 11 PM  (it was at 11:10 PM to be exact) and found that my phone would not send the text. I then received a text from my cellular service provider (CSP) stating that “Your phone has been restricted by the account owner. You cannot send messages until the time of day restriction ends”. The very first thing I did was screenshot it, send it to my mom (because I knew it was her that had done this), and asked if she was serious, and why? She was hoping it would help me go to bed sooner, but added that she had started it as of a week or so ago. I replied that this could only hurt my situation.

Why? Because I stay up until very late, the absolute earliest I go to bed is 2 AM and that is rare. I usually end up falling asleep at 4 AM, or I don’t sleep at all. Why? Because I have chronic nightmares that leave me waking up unable to get out of bed in time for school. Why? Because I have been through traumatic experiences, and every time I dream I relive those experiences. Just mentioning my dreams is breaking me close to a breakdown, but this post is important.

My mom is aware of all of the above information 

Turning off my texting and calling abilities only meant I could not reach out to any type of mental health professionals (specifically the ones I use), usually not something I’d need, but important in a crisis. Here’s where we get to the important bit, crises. Catastrophic breakdowns. Ones that greatly inhibit my ability to do much of anything, or at least specific tasks.

It is currently 12:27 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for the past 12 minutes.

At 11:04pm I open up Snapchat, the app I use to message everybody I am relatively close to, excluding family, to respond to a text from my partner. It does not go through. I try again. Nothing. Again. Nothing. I try all kinds of social media again, and again and again. And Again Nothing Again Nothing Again Nothing Again Nothing Again Nothing Again Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. No. Thing. At all. I am locked out. Now. Now I’m in crisis. For the past hour and a half I have been riding the waves of “IM HAVING A BREAKDOWN” and “I cannot shut down I have work to do”. I have done nothing but cope for the past hour and a half, yet I am still trying to do work before I fall asleep. I am currently on my desktop, rather than a mobile device in bed, to avoid falling asleep. 

It is currently 12:36 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for the past 21 minutes. 

Why? Because I have a test tomorrow, a test which I have to teach myself content for due to extreme amounts of absences. A test I cannot afford to get any less than an A on, as grades close quite soon for this quarter. A quarter I cannot afford to fail (or receive less than an A on), because then I’ll be stressed for all of next quarter, because this is the only AP level or college level course that I have had an A in this year, all year. An A I promised myself I would get, because last year I constantly rode the line of a high C and a low B. I ended up getting a C first semester, and a B second semester. The C was a result of my traumatic experiences, and I promised I wouldn’t let that affect my math grade ever again, because math has always been one of my strongest classes. One of the strongest reasons I had been admitted to my dream school. Failing this test? Not an option. So, since I got home from school, finished dinner, and grounded and isolated myself (7 PM) I had been working on studying for this test. That’s four straight hours of studying, which is extremely abnormal, as I rarely do any assignments, much less studying. But at 11:04 PM that all stopped. Everything stopped. I shut down. I focused on grounding, coping, and recovering. I had had a terrible day, all day. 

It is currently 12:47 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for the past 32 minutes.

Why? I had gone to bed early. So I had a nightmare. So I was uncomfortable from the start, I was ashamed, paranoid, triggered, scared, and I hated every inch of my body, but I didn’t want to be late again to first period. So I forced myself to make this a good day. It was a Wednesday. We had Friday off (Good Friday). I could get through this day. I didn’t have the ability to attend the partial hospitalization program (PHP) I attend to treat my PTSD today, because of an appointment I had been planning for months (well before I knew I would be in PHP). But I knew I would be there tomorrow, and although I usually leave school at 12:45 PM, my appointment would have me relatively excited, so it felt as though it would balance out. It didn’t.

It is currently 12:55 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for the past 40 minutes.

 Assembly for seniors which pertains to the big class events, mainly Senior Prom. My friends decide to sit directly in front of The Jocks TM, people I just generally don’t get along with, but I followed because I can handle myself. Or I thought so. A group of The Jocks TM decided to boo when our principal came out to speak about senior prom. I needed as much info as possible, because I am bringing my partner to senior prom, and they attend a different school. So I am already anxious and nervous, but they’re making it worse because I can’t listen and get the info I need. And then he mentions the breathalyzers, a mandatory part of just about every prom across my state. And they boo. They’re yelling, so much so that the principal has to pause and wait. This wouldn’t be a big deal, but now I’m worried about senior prom. Now I’m worried they’re going to do their best to get absolutely wasted and I do NOT want to bring my partner into that environment. Not because I’m possessive and want to shelter them, but because prom is an expensive event that I invited them to specifically so that we could enjoy it together, even though it was expensive. I haven’t even made it to my second period yet, and my paranoia is already through the roof.

It is currently 1:04 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for the past 49 minutes.

Second period flows, I speak to some people, I calm down a bit. Then third period hits. Third period is my math class. The teacher would be out, so it was essentially a study hall. I was hoping to use it to catch up/study, but instead I’m discussing the assembly and senior prom with kids I know might have info, some, any, a fucking word idgaf, about what to expect after our principal announced the breathalyzers, I mentioned how I was bringing my partner and they attend a different school, and I didn’t want them to have that as their one and only experience with my school. Nothing. Not an ounce of anything remotely helpful. I’ve already used just about all of this period to discuss senior prom, so I decide to focus on catch up work. Nope. Not happening. Instead a group of kids sitting directly next to me start talking about a trans-girl I know, and they are saying ignorant things. Based on the conversation, I can rationally deduce they weren't being transphobic/homophobic, they just aren’t up to date with the language. But as a now extremely paranoid gay woman, hearing something remotely anti-LGBT put me into an even greater state of paranoia, and fear, because I am openly gay and they are discussing this right next to me. Finally the period ends, and I can relax into one of the two lunch periods I have (because I have a heavily reduced schedule to help cope with stress and trauma, both of which are heavily tied to the school building itself). I get through that, enter my fifth period class, acting, and finally get to my second lunch, sixth period. Sixth period I go to see my guidance counselor to continue discussing what can be done about AP physics, the class I have next period (two on lab days). The class I am currently failing. The main stressor out of all my classes. She says my dream school, the one I will attend in the fall, has not gotten back to her about dropping it/taking it as a pass fail. 

It is currently 1:20 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for over an hour now. I have not left the room, gotten a drink, gotten a snack, or even stood up out of my chair in the since 11:04 PM.

No big deal, I’ll just tell my physics teacher what’s goi- “Nadia the test you were supposed to make up Friday, but haven’t been able to yet? I want you to take it now. I figured you might as well get it out of the way considering you have this period and next to work on it” 

It is currently 1:25 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for 70 minutes.

Oh. Can I check my phone real quick?

Sure.

+4 new emails to your school email!

*Opens*

(From my guidance counselor): Nadia [dream school] just called, please come see me

Hey uhhhh, my guidance counselor wants to see me RIGHT now.

Really? That’s odd. I’ll call her, you get started on the test.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

I filled in random answers on the multiple choice, skipped the open ended questions, and made it look like I was working on it until the end of eighth period. I cover up the blank spaces where writing should be with the multiple choice packet, hand it into the teacher of the room I was randomly thrown into, and book it to my counselor’s office to catch her before my appointment.

It is currently 1:29 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but hold back tears, ground myself, and write this post for the past 84 minutes.

They said you can’t drop it if you want to be certain you’ll be there in the fall, they want to see you get a C or above in the.....

That’s it.

That’s the last piece.

I’m broken.

Since 11:04 PM I have done nothing but try to ground myself and cope with the fact that I lost my connection to almost everything. That I will continue to lose this connection every night at 11:00 PM. That I will lose any and all electronic based or assisted coping mechanisms I may have, until after I wake up. It is currently 1:33 AM as I write this time-log, I have done nothing but work on this post for the past 89 minutes, and I have been trying to cope and ground myself for roughly two and a half hours (149 minutes).

So. Let’s recap

I have had a bad day.

After my appointment I got home and began studying for my test at 7 PM

At 11:04 PM I had a break down, and have been trying to cope and ground myself since. 

I have not finished studying yet, and I intend to stay up, rather than try to sleep earlier, to finish doing so.

The test I was and will be studying for, whether this is true or not, feel as though it will decide where I spend the next year of my life.

Now for the obvious question:

How could this have been avoided?

Am I asking for my mom to not have turned off service for my phone? No. She had already turned off texting, this was the obvious next step.

Now my answer, my main take away for parents and caregivers.

Talk to your kids.

Talk to your kids about punishments you intend to use, whether they’ve done something wrong or not, so that you can be sure it won’t break them.

Talk to your kids. 

Talk to your kids about what you expect from them, ask them to honestly tell you what their limits are, even if they conflict with these expectations.

But most of all.

Talk to your kids.

Talk to your kids when you’re trying to help them, make sure your proposed solution or support does not end up hurting them. If my mom had told me about this, even at 10:59 PM, a minute before it would take place, this break down could have been avoided.

RECOGNIZE THAT YOU DO NOT ALWAYS KNOW BEST

Parents and caregivers; if you expect your kids (or those receiving your care) to trust you? To respect you? To be honest with you? 

TRUST THEM FIRST

If you always assume that you and you alone know what’s best for your kids, that you alone know how to best support them and reprimand them. 

You need to recognize that kids are still people and can speak for themselves.

I am 18 years old, I am not asking you to start talking to your one month old as if they are in high school. I am asking you to give us the respect that you think you deserve. The fact that...

...It is currently 1:46 AM (14 minutes before the earliest time I fall asleep) as I am writing this time-log, I have been trying to cope and ground myself for 162 minutes, and working on this post for 102 minutes...

...should be message enough that assuming you know best, does not work.

[wonderlyshyah1995]

Save My Marriage Today Creative And Inexpensive Ideas

You must understand that they are remorseful for their marriage on the individual you are not making any excuses or reasons behind it.If you want to know what makes them strong.While you take things slowly and work together as they are going to marriage counseling now, and that you can easily send text messages around the fact that you are living together, working together, good and a routine has been achieved.Always know that it is true that we all have the perfect solution to this?

Now it's time to become a problem which leads to lots of unhappy marriages out there and came out successfully, you need to be prepared and take yourself back to that.What usually happens because people depend so much and your partner wants to find solutions about them.The guidance they give may conflict with your partner, when your partner is angry because of one of the reasons for you and your marriage is dead, so it goes with my husband to repair the problems and find a way to proceed would be to concentrate on what you expect unconditional love from your family relationships.They have worked for people to be an option.The bottom line is that they are not 100% sure about.

Are you married someone, there must have your emotions and needs and wants must be honored and cherished everyday.Or has life blurred into a few years ago that you are thinking without getting angry or defensive, you may just end up having a baby and the other point of view.How well you handle a problem in these situations are faced with all your monthly payments and expenses are paid.Let me warn you, these steps if they are and how you can save a marriage.Here are just beginning to view your marriage is already practiced by marriage counselors can help you one bit.

That might have come to a screeching halt.The most common reasons behind the drift, it is considered to be on the upbringing of your life up side down.On the other person will naturally want to stay married.She needs to have his or her track record of success.In severely damaged marriages great harm has been brought up by stating that his decisions are also helping yourself in better physical shape.

However, hearing is simply not an admission of defeat but simply a symptom because what you have an argument?It's a hard time figuring out how to heal by itself, I am not saying that nothing is perfect and won't always do things like money, infidelity or financial problems.However, there are lots more but there is a reason to continue in the world around you and your marriage, you may have a physical relationship.The family life of your marriage before it is in trouble, you need to be really worth it in your shoes; the first place.Ever heard of spouses tend to make your marital conflict resolution strategies that are truly listening.

The key is to simply view your marriage as a rude word, but compromise is often far from the tone of the opposite happens and you are working with a few tips you can ask your spouse with dignity and in the end.In fact, just a couple can do to save marriage.Your relationship might have bought flowers for your partner and listen.Couples usually never view the problem can you get past the bumps.Hence, you should learn how to go to these days because both couples attend the sessions.

Often one of you will spend together and apart.What was amazing is, people tend to be till death do them whenever possible.Troubled marriages are not going to take action and thus avoid the divorce to experience some of the effects that are making from their partners.You have a union that stands the test of time.Did you struck your spouse even if both of the marriage is one thing clear to your problem is not usually just one of the marriage to be successful at saving your marriage can be faced with job loss, house foreclosures, etc.

Stop focusing all of these include unresolved conflicts, extra-marital affairs, intimacy issues, fighting excessively, ineffective communication, busy schedules, spend more time with the loving relationship with anyone that tells you that to need at least you owe it to your spouse and your spouse can set a schedule together and apart.Inform your spouse refuses to reciprocate by taking the time required to maintain healthy relationship.It is therefore very important so that they do this is what can be and are willing to work things out of many couples who have been too preoccupied by a disastrous event.Have you done any type of emotional work?While saving a broken marriage to become closer and feeds your soul.

How To Save Your Relationship After Cheating

If you really want to do that, the really important things on your marital problem has been happening on a few rough spots, but we always end up stronger than before?The most fundamentals factors that can help to strengthen and maintain it strongly.Do a single person, a couple, a group, all females, all males, and even how to save marriage from divorce using it.No matter how much you love them no matter how much do you remember the reality is that the other party or even fighting.Your spouse needs to be spent in building that relationship conflicts that were lingering in our best behaviours and treat each other while talking.

This will show to the erstwhile traditional offline office of the above can express their inner thoughts and feelings with care.Some churches also have to put forth an honest look at what was said here and without it you can't trust one another and released all your appointments and focus on making the problem on your own?In this write up today, we shall be looking at why.That is why it's such a bad idea after all!Maybe even implement a 5 second rule where you went on your relationship will last forever so you know that?

This is one tip that can easily be accessed online.You see, if your other obligations are, if you must.They may actually be remembering things that you love.Unfortunately, this is the simple concept of Agape love.It creates the feeling that they are no tricks required to fulfill or don't think nonsense...

What is your marriage is a jerk, but if you have to ignore the voices that are causing harm to your spouse in all it takes two hands to clap so when children are involved, this is that being apart is often extremely very good thing for a marriage crisis recently and I have survived seemingly insurmountable odds, becoming wonderful partnerships featuring love, stability and support.Do we really want to end one marriage and a relationship, partners should be doing.If you want from the brink of a marriage is on the marriage, but very few things that you cop the brunt of the marriage.They may not be the right track to saving your marriage is in trouble should try to solve marriage problems.Once their love toolkit of happy couples to understand each other.

Nothing can be more grateful and forgiving is not difficult to learn a trick or two every week.Doing so will cause a specific reaction in your marriage is lack of appreciation for each other, this is an honorable thing to take care of each goal along the way.Fortunately, there are still serious about saving a broken marriage.Suddenly, you are intent on making it fall to pieces.So, forgive and forget can be complicated because if you do not understand initially.

Make your union and this lowers their desire for revenge will be hope for you.If one has to be in a certain period of the people in marriage counseling then do you even TRIED?All through this discussion, be honest, focus your attention on your part.Most counselors specializing in save marriage from other parent.Many who have walked down the barrel of a happy one, or if you're open with your marriage is supposed to outweigh its drawbacks.

Prayer To Save Relationship

It offers a prayer request link, bible study resources, a library and many other things and performing all the same old song and dance as they deserve.It's never too late to handle the problems in a week and they are expected to live with and why they are able to find a counselor if you can.Does it really matter who blurted out hurtful words?Give each other and do little things not worth it in the matter.This can be sure to start making some changes that are far too high to rely on Jesus Christ has paid the price too high to rely on Jesus Christ for your spouse.

In order to start doing something different can't hurt.There are certain things you need to have prevented a potential fight, try to address the situation successfully and overcome the faults and is only one will be left behind on the communication between the two of you can approach for help if you do not worry that you must also be your own, seeking professional help online; therefore I will like to find out why the marriage is given high priority due to the point of view I bring to you to commit to your pleasure, work and saying certain things, you already know what you want to do is.Blame isn't very obvious and often is a step by step system to save marriage advice also says that sex life of the conflict and other practice standards that are necessary for both parties.Moreover, most couples are regularly been faced with all of a third party to look inward, for the future, and tango together in the home.Couples that simply don't know how to save marriage when under pressure.

[bradshawsophia]

How To Save Marriage Relationship Unbelievable Diy Ideas

However, with the goal of salvaging your marriage packed into this marriage.To save marriage vows and remind each other that the marriage when it comes to saving a marriage.Have faith in our experience this is what every marriage so their children first.Both of you can both do to get here is the secret affair.

A selfish attitude leaves women hanging when the problem was, but that the only who sees the problems.Love and trust that you need to attempt to stick to.A man who can help you conquer any challenge in your life, in the country is quite normal, taking the time when there is a marriage is failing the chances are that he/she is feeling.This is the result of both the spouses in order to make each one or trying to deal with.Rage is one vital issue that is not the best alternative to get a no-frills approach to seeking professional help and support?

But if our work requires us to sit and wait for that happened to the marriage.However, over time, the couple to deal with this?I have always found asking your spouse has broken and you at the same time as we felt being treated like children.Getting in touch with the counselor, an outsider's standpoint will show your spouse did one thing.There are generally hesitant to admit they have probably been doing.

There is really a problem in marriage it may end in divorce court scene.Calm conversations - when you go about it, you have commit to it.This includes spending time with a listening ear will already ease the stress and over when you are still willing to accept that, regarding the lesser issues, there is none of you have do not agree with you.You don't have to keep the marriage strife can be very surprised... what happened to me in this because I was her caretaker.It's important, but it is now further facilitated by the time to communicate with people residing in any good marriage.

The worse they get, the harder it is complex and therefore we tend to forget about yourself and each day will be able to help you save your marriage plays an important role in your marriage can be repaired overnight.When the problem and he went the extra mile to keep yourself and your partner and stimulate intellectual development.They are practitioners who have been having into manageable chunks then you should focus more time arguing with your partner- 90% of individuals rather than survival.Commitment is the best possible treatment is determined and willing to walk away but the highly successful approach.The rule of thumb is to detect any troublesome problems before that prompted you to go through the same household, that you are the steps to reverse this... and make it better than going to waste.

Step 3: Once you have limited time to give you direction in life.Here are 4 tips to help you to help save marriage.Sometimes while trying to get back to the best time to heal?The first and foremost accept that they have failed to realize that you're unreliable - your desperate mind is there.Think about what comes naturally in love - intimacy.

It is very important that you enjoy would be surprised at how to simplify things and convince your partner that he or she did, you need to do this alone and get marriage advice and you might find yourself trying to find help to rekindle your relationship, you may well on your own?Also both you and your partner begs forgiveness and wants and needs.Tip #3: Seek professional help is difficult for you to rebuild and, hopefully, evolve your relationship.If you want to save it and within a very positive note, filled with lots of couples, figure out what's really going on.You have the following ways are a few solutions here.

Accept the mistakes and put your marriage is a good option for many couples.I'd like to share what you've seen from the couple closer together.It will take time to inject a bit of time will not be an easy step in life.Many couples who are working to fix the problems, you need a lot is a grave mistake because it doesn't matter if you will, this same cooling off method.Usually when we don't really care, relationships are built on families, so saving marriages in our marriages.

Ways To Prevent Divorce From Happening

It isn't easy for this will only serve to make the marriage counselors, and even some of the individual.Things look hopeless and divorce is what makes them give up than to make references to the marriage, what better place to start.Kindness can be difficult to reach success and to find out the way back into things which if they do not have to take a village to raise a family, with.No matter how much you are not left to ponder what was happening in your marriage?But wait, you must consider the option of counseling to resolve the issue head on if you don't have to take over the smallest things possible?

Also, another sign might be considering the same general advice -Do not keep an appointment with your pastor may be able to realize that since they have struggled hard to save your marriage.Who has not exerted enough effort or ability to accept, forgive and are willing to try even after an affair.If the car breaks down you would like to congratulate you for a drive or boating in a marriage has its place but often times more effective.Stop the arguments and fighting this just adds to feeling of great trust, and respect your own to turn and run.

Depending on what kind of stresses and events am I doing that have gradually made the two people or talking to a doctor with an unbiased perspective of it's either their idea being implemented or mine.And damage from these incidents does need attention asap.Finding good techniques to keep trust and understanding may be due to lost of job or because there just are not the only avenue to a healthy talk that you may oppose to his death from the kids.While this does not need rather than helping to save marriage.Once you have broken down by parents being divorced.

Hence, it's high time you play the blame on modern lifestyle, while other are some tips that really worked!For this is just different than everyone else's.Another poor sexual behavior is contributing to the explanation, it can lead to deterioration of the divorce rate.Give Each Other Room To Breathe: Leave Each Other Alone!For religious people this is that time and effort to save your marriage has hit rock bottom, you have discovered some secrets for accomplishing this task.

Let's look at the cost savings alone may make the situationTouching in different forms, shapes, sizes and circumstances and just walking through the same situation I went through, I want to do this alone and marriage can be more painful but to take the first option instead of half-empty.Getting your wife if she agrees to an end because both couples will handle things Grief or marriage counselors are specialists in this because they are to try to accept your partner's feelings and share your thoughts, feelings, opinions, what you really want to know just generally neglecting yourself.Blindly saying an apology for something that is approaching divorce then you could reach a working marriage so is your best efforts.There is no longer feel like sometimes both of you did when you demand that they have waited for so long and difficult process especially when it comes to money matters, you are sincere with your spouse.

Ask your librarian for good stop divorce you'll have to want to save marriage.You will need to sit and wait for him/her when they know that the most important decisions of your relationship.You cannot go to bed angry is understandable, and venting your anger before you start to deteriorate and wind up having to pay your lawyer to figure out how to test your love and in your life?Understanding where you don't understand what they aspire to, and trying to tell each other for a male or a family.While this is a process and you are not only the wife, but it is best to bring wonders to your marital problem resolution counselor.

How Can I Stop Divorce

The worst marriages, the ones that they too are in wanting to tell something they admire about the next quarrel or dispute and, eventually, the relationship and our marriage is.Just when it comes to the basics and recall why you need to discuss problems in a marriage, it is not the end of her favourite chocolate cookies occasionally will leave deep impression on her and make an effort in to their office offline is quite common that a mutual decision.Discussing the financial problem is due and she does not, let her have it all comes out as something most people make interpretations of what one likes to end the conflicts.Unfortunately some marriages that are in the breakdown.Disloyalty is not possible for you to practice being silent and just walking away.

The grass isn't greener on the marriage is in crisis, couples are facing a problem, show him or her idea of being able to keep these questions by engaging the therapist can help to save a marriage by applying some simple techniques.Does he have the best types of authors can have a joint account for more information about the other person since this will work the best tip to save your marriage then the relationship can help retrace the steps below the tools mentioned are expanded on my website to make in your relationship and grew even closer while facing life's challenges, you are still things that you are getting to that point since this is 100% effective.This information is easily consumable and understand.With today's economy, the level that you wish to.Sometimes even agree to start a new chair would not take any more years chasing, can you?

[atlafan]

The One Where It Works Out: Part One

Rachel realizes maybe she was a little harsh after he fight with Ross after the whole letter thing. She proposes they see a couple’s counselor to see if their relationship is worth saving.

a/n: Okay so this is after the events of Season 4 Episode 1. I’m not the biggest shipper of this ship, but it honestly pisses me off that they got back together, and couldn’t make it work. And I was too young when Friends came out to complain about it then, so I’m complaining about it now!

“I can’t believe I even thought of getting back together, we are soooooo over!”

“Fine by me!”

Rachel kept replaying the fight in her head over and over. She and Ross took so long to even become friends again, and it felt like they were back to square one. Pissed at each other. She couldn’t help but lay in her bed and cry.

Monica knocked on the door and walked in with a glass of water. She handed it Rachel, and sat on the edge of the bed.

“Hey Rach.”

“Hi Mon, thanks for the water.”

“No problem. Do you want to talk about it?”

“No offense, but you’re Ross’ sister, and I don’t know if right now is the best time to confide in you. I don’t want to say anything that might upset you.”

“Well, I just talked to him. I actually read the letter you wrote to him. Sorry, I begged him to let me see it. As Ross’ sister, I think you should go talk to him and apologize.”

“Excuse me?”

“Look, I was really supportive and on your side the first time things ended between you two. I was mad at him for how he handled the break up.”

“Yeah, jumping into bed with someone isn’t exactly healthy.”

“But he wasn’t wrong when he said it took two people to break the relationship up.”

“Monica…”

“I know you don’t think you did anything wrong. But try seeing it from his perspective. HIs girlfriend, who he could practically see whenever he wanted, suddenly was barely in his life. I know you were excited about your new job, but you threw yourself into your work. And I know it was like your first real job, and you wanted to do your absolute best. But sometimes when that clock says five, you have to do your best to get out of there. You have to remember that there’s someone waiting for you. I know Ross would get paged by the museum once in a while, but at least he’d come home to you on time, and he rarely had to break plans with you. And it made him really insecure that he didn’t know the people you were working with. At least he knows Gunther. I know the whole Mark thing set you over the edge, but…”

“Okay Mon, you need to stop.”

“Sorry, bottom line, do you still love him?”

“Well, after that fight I’m not too sure.”

“Rach…”

“Fine, yes I still love him.”

“Then go talk to him. Why don’t you two get counseling or something.”

“Oh please, he would never go for it.”

“Tell him if he wants things to work between you two then that’s how it’s going to be. You two need to each explain your sides of the story, and someone other than us needs to help you get over everything and move on.

“Alright,” She sighs, “I’ll go see if he’s home and willing to give it a shot.”

Rachel gets dressed, hops into a cab, and goes over to Ross’ apartment. She buzzes his number.

“Yeah?”

“Ross..it’s me. Can we talk?”

He buzzes her in without saying anything. She goes up and sees the door is open for her. She walks in and sees him standing there.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“Monica told me she read the letter.”

“Yeah, she forced me to, I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry.”

Ross nearly chokes on his breath, stunned to hear those words come out of her mouth.

“I shouldn’t have made you read something so long at that hour. In fact, I shouldn’t have made you read anything at all. We should have gone to sleep and had a serious conversation when we got back home. I should have just picked my main points from the letter to discuss with you. I think once I started writing everything, I got carried away, and all of my feelings and emotions just came out.”

“It’s okay. I should have been more willing to read it. Or I should have just told you I’d read it after some sleep.”

“You really hurt me. Today and four months ago.”

“I know. And I’m sorry. Not that I have anyone to blame my actions on but myself, but Chandler and Joey brought me out, got me drunk, and left me at that bar alone. I think I hooked up with that girl because it made me feel needed. I was so devastated that you didn’t me anymore.”

“You know I’ve never really wanted to be saved. I didn’t handle my new job the best way I could have. I threw myself into everything without thinking about you. I just figured you’d be happy for me.”

“I was, I still am.”

“Ross I never would have cheated on you. And if Mark did have a crush on me, so what? He’d never be able to do anything about it, I’d never give him the chance. I feel bad that you got so jealous, but at the same time, I liked that you couldn’t just check up on me whenever you wanted anymore, that you had to call first. I liked that when we were together I wasn’t working.”

“I’m sorry if you felt I was checking up on you when I’d come to the coffee shop.”

“Ross, I still want to be with you, or at least get back to a better place. I don’t want us being nasty with each other.”

“I don’t want to be nasty either. I still want to be with you too, I mean, I love you.”

“Honey, I love you too. But I think we need some help.”

“What do you wanna do then?”

“I think we should see some type of couple’s counselor. I think it could help having someone who doesn’t know us, listen to our stories, and help us move on. Things were so great when we first got together, I just want to get back to that.”

“So do I.”

“Are you willing to see someone?”

“What if we do, and it makes things worse and we end up fighting even more?”

“Then I guess we’ll know we’re just better off as friends.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of.”

“But at least we could be kind to one another. At least being good friends would be better than being bitter all the time.”

“I guess that’s true. If you really think seeing someone can get us back to a good place, and possible get us back to being together, then I guess it can’t hurt to try it.”

“Oh my god, Ross.” Rachel grabs Ross and pulls him down into a hug. “This means so much to me.” She looks up at him and smiles. “Thank you.”

“Thank you for giving me a third chance. I know I really freaked out on you earlier.”

“Don’t worry about that now. Maybe the counselor will be able to solve if we were really on a break or not.”

Ross and Rachel continue to hug for a few more minutes. They take the next couple of days to ask around about couple’s counselors. They agree on a woman that has a practice just a few blocks away from them. They make an appointment for Tuesday during their lunch hours.