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not-a-space-alien · 8 months

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K&J x MMSS 4: Valen & Jim Part 4

Part four of the fourth crossover with @whumpsday!

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MMSS masterlist

K&J x MMSS crossover masterlist

To be added to the taglist, contact @whumpsday

Warnings for this chapter: Burns, “it” as a dehumanizing pronoun, mentions of/fear of sexual assault, brief talk about eating disorders

In this chapter: The joy of Jim's homecoming is soured by an incident with vampire hunters that suddenly reverses the roles between Jim and Valen.

***

The movie-watching is oddly serene after years of constant fear and torment. Jim cozies up with Valen while they watch, finishing his apple. He's quiet at first, just like with Kane, but slowly starts to open up as it goes on and he remains safe.

Valen reciprocates the cozying up, wrapping the both of them in a blanket on the couch. Valen has never been happier to have his own little haven, with its soft lights and quiet lack of anyone to bother him. He's delighted to hear Jim start talking more and more, acting like a person and not a neurotic prey animal.

When the time to leave gets nearer, Valen asks if Jim wants to stop at the store again for more food, knowing humans need to eat so frequently.

"Nah, I think I'm good," Jim declines with a nervous laugh. He is pretty famished, having only had one meal in three days, but he can wait. Last time was harrowing enough. Next time he eats, it’ll be in his own kitchen at home. "Maybe I could call my sister to meet us, especially since it's during the day and it'll be safe for her? Then I won't have to trek."

"Of course, that's a splendid idea. Tell her to meet us somewhere, and you'll have a nice smooth journey back. I'd love to meet her, as well."

Jim calls, letting Liz know they're leaving and she can meet them near the signs loudly proclaiming the dangers of crossing the border.

“Tell him I said thank you for saving my brother,” Liz says on the other end. There’s no need– Valen’s hearing is good enough to hear it from where he sits.

"I'm just happy I was able to help do a good deed,” Valen responds. “Hopefully the karma will come back around to me." Valen has always struggled with feeling like a monster, so that feeling being alleviated is enough of a reward on its own, to know he wasn’t universally hated among innocent humans.

They won’t be out for so long, but Valen gives Jim a water bottle anyway, just in case, before wrapping himself up thoroughly for going outside.

The streets and sidewalks are once again empty, cleared in the face of the impending sunrise. Valen hands Jim the car keys in the rising light. "Here, you should drive. In fact, if you wanted to keep this wretched contraption, that would be fine with me. I hardly ever use it, and it's more trouble than it's worth."

Jim grins. "Seriously? Oh man. You are the best. Free car, that rules. Liz probably started using mine when she learned to drive, so that's perfect, now we'll both have one." His smile wavers at the thought that he missed Liz learning how to drive. "Well, buckle up, beaks."

He drives out to the border with little issue, the streets deserted. What had caused him so much grief, years of wanting, nearly dying in his desperate attempt to make it home… it’s like nothing, now. Jim almost feels like he’ll wake up any second, the whole thing a too-pleasant dream.

Liz is there–Liz, in the flesh, so much more grown-up than when he last saw her–with three other people. They all wear vampire hunter’s gear: including Liz, to Jim's surprise. The blue-haired hunter by her side looks the calmest of them all, while the two men look a bit on-edge.

Liz runs forward, and Jim gets out of the car to embrace her.

"Oh my god, Jim!" she cries.

Valen watches Jim hug his sister with a smile on his face. None of the humans can see it, of course, because he's wrapped up head to toe, they can barely see his eyes. He squints against the light to see who all is here. There are four humans, which is more than he expected. It makes him a little nervous, especially since they all appear to be vampire hunters. But Jim's sister seems kind, so he doesn't worry overmuch.

He opens the passenger's side door and gets out of the car, leaning on it to watch Jim and Liz crying with each other. He glances nervously at the sign demarcating human territory from vampire territory, knowing full well if he crosses it, he's put a target on his back.

"Hey, why's it getting out of the car?!" one of the hunters snaps, hand itching toward his weapons.

Jim interrupts his tearful reunion, pulling away from Liz. "Don't fucking call him that! And obviously he has to get out of the car, what's he gonna do, get home from the passenger seat?"

He realizes too late: he's being defiant, again. Kane would beat him to a pulp for this. This is why he’s supposed to be silent, so he doesn’t run his stupid mouth. He immediately shrinks back, eyes cast down, trembling. "Sorry. I'm sorry."

"Cool it, man." The blue-haired hunter elbows their companion.

Valen gets nervous. "I intend to come no closer, sir. We can talk like civilized individuals, I assure you." He holds his hands up deferentially.

The words go right over the head of the hunter, who can only focus on Valen’s hands moving and gets spooked. He is clearly a novice hunter, his hands shaky and unpracticed as he draws his pistol and shoots at Valen.

The shot just barely misses Valen, but it does graze his head. It rips his mask from his face, taking most of his hood with it as well, exposing him to a faceful of direct sunlight.

He erupts into an earth-shattering screech at the indescribable pain, sharp and animalistic. The windows of the car wobble with the sound, and the one closest to him shatters and spills glass shards everywhere. He would have never gone outside during the day if he'd known he was risking this. He's instantly blinded by the white-hot light, like two searing branding irons stabbed directly through his eye sockets straight into his brain, and he curls his arms above his head and drops down, fumbling for the shadow of the car to save himself.

"Fuck!" Jim dives for Valen, shielding him with his body. He grabs Valen's mask off the ground and clumsily shoves it back on his face, then strips his own shirt and throws that on top for good measure, ensuring that Valen is fully covered.

"What's wrong with you?!" Liz screams. "He saved Jim! You were just supposed to come ‘cause it's the border!"

"I'm sorry! Shit!"

"Get him out of here," the blue-haired hunter says.

"Got it," the other man agrees. Valen can make out a car driving off.

"Valen? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Jim sounds like he's crying. "I'm sorry, I never meant for you to get hurt."

"Jim," Valen weeps, groping forward. He opens his eyes, but the topmost layer of skin on them has been burned, and they're crusty and sightless. "Jim, am–is he–what's going on?"

Jim holds him. "He's gone. He knocked your mask off, he's an idiot. You're safe now. No one here's gonna hurt you. I'm sorry. You're–you're gonna heal, right?"

"I–Yes, I should–I've never felt..." It still fucking hurts, so so bad, even though the sun is gone. He will heal, right? He's never gotten a sunburn before, and he knows they theoretically heal, but damn is the lingering pain overwhelming, far more than any other injury he's sustained. "Jim, please don't leave me here, I can't see, please don't leave me alone out here."

"I'd never. Don't worry, I've got you. I've got you. You wanna come back to my place to heal up? Let's get you back in the car, huh? We'll get some burn cream on you, and you can rest up back home." Jim helps him back into the passenger seat. "Liz, we've got burn cream, right?"

"Yeah, I, I think so. Yeah." Liz is shaken. "You can follow us? That wasn't supposed to happen. I told them Valen was on our side."

"I'll follow you," Jim agrees. He pats Valen on the shoulder. "We're gonna take care of you. Like you took care of me."

"Thank you," Valen sobs. He's utterly shaken by how thoroughly and quickly the sun was able to completely destroy his confidence. He feels like a kid again, lost and scared and helpless. He'd do anything to avoid feeling the sun again. "I wasn't trying to attack, I swear." He's still shaking a little as he settles into the passenger's seat, and he folds himself down, below the window.

Jim will help me. I helped him, he'll help me back. His sister is a hunter, but she's nice, the other hunter is nice, they know I'm not trying to attack. And I can use persuasion on them if I need to. Oh god, he definitely couldn't use persuasion over a group of three humans at once, though, and his superior speed and strength would be useless if he couldn't see to know how to direct them. This must have been how Jim felt, at the mercy of someone he just had to trust would help him, unsure of if he should make a run for it and take his chances. The idea of going deeper into human territory, further into the domain of the vampire hunters, like this was terrifying.

"We know, buddy." Jim says, starting the car up again and following Liz's- well, his car. "Fuck, this is a mess. You're gonna be okay. Kane and that asshole we ran into last night got into it once a few years back, and Kane was all better by the next night. Um, I dunno if you might take a little longer, 'cause you looked pretty bad there. But I'm sure it'll still be fast."

Valen starts to calm down a little at Jim's reassuring words, just like Jim did at Valen's. He cautiously unscrunches himself, sitting upright in the seat. "Yes. Yes, thank you. Um, are–we're going into–into human territory, are you quite sure your neighbors won't–won't take notice and, and call more hunters?" He is far more afraid of vampire hunters than he'd thought he'd be–they'd always been a distant bogeyman for him, and one of them had just ruined his week with a single pull of a trigger.

"No one can tell you're a vampire when you're all covered up like that. And if anyone tries to fuck with you, they'll have to go through me. And Liz, and probably her friend. Plus, it... it seems like Liz is a hunter." Jim is not a fan of this information, but he's glad it at least makes things a little safer for Valen. "So she'd be the one who's called anyway. I won't let anyone get at you. Promise."

Valen sobs when Jim says Liz is a hunter, not finding it as comforting as Jim does. "Yes. Thank you. Thank you, Jim. Are we going to your house?"

"Yep, that's where we're going. Home. Holy shit, I'm going home." It still doesn't feel real. "It's gonna be okay. And, look, you can feed on me when you get hungry, 'cause I know it'll take a bit for your face to heal right. I'm used to it. Happy to do it when it's for you. I'm sorry it sucks right now. But I won't let anything else happen to you, swear to god. I've got your back."

Oh no. Jim expects Valen to feed on him. Valen has never fed from a human before, he doesn't want to, he's terrified of opening that door. Feeding straight from a human is supposed to be one of the highest luxuries a vampire can have. What if he doesn't want to stop feeding that way? What if he gets addicted and can't go back to blood packs? He doesn't trust himself. He can't. He goes spiraling back into the times where he went days without feeding, crushed under the weight of his depression and guilt and self-loathing. He can't go back to that.

Valen swallows. Maybe they can just avoid that for now. Maybe Valen will get better before he needs to feed, and he can just go back home and sidestep the whole thing.

"Thank you, Jim." He feels safe around Jim in a way he hadn't before with other men. Is it because he's a human, and Valen could overpower him? Then why does he still have this warm feeling when he's helpless and dependent on him? "And I'm glad you get to go home. I'm very happy for you. It's still a wonderful day overall.”

"Thank you. You gave me my life back. I'm sorry it turned out shit for you. No good deed goes unpunished, I guess." Seeing Valen so hurt and scared, because he was trying to help him, no less, breaks Jim's heart.

They arrive at Liz's place after a little while, Jim chattering soothingly to Valen the entire time.

"Alright, we're here. I'll lead you inside." He holds Valen's hand, leading him into the house, where Liz and her hunting partner wait.

Liz tosses Jim a container of burn cream while Laken, quickly introducing themself, goes around closing all the blinds. Liz smiles, despite the situation. "We did have some. And hey... welcome home."

"Thanks. Here, come, sit." Jim leads Valen over to sit on the couch. "You can take that stuff off. You're in the clear."

Valen sits on the couch and gropes at his head to remove the coverings Jim had tossed over him. He also removes his outermost cloak and his gloves. Despite the relatively short contact time, Valen's whole face is red and blistering, and the thin, delicate skin on top of his ears has peeled away to reveal bleeding rawness. His eyes have a gray, opaque layer over them.

"I'm glad to meet the two of you and be in your home, despite the rough start," Valen says. "Thank you for having me. I'm glad to see Jim finally reach safety after his ordeal."

"Thank you for bringing him home. Thank you,” Liz says emphatically. "Sorry the new guy’s a fucking dumbass. I'm gonna kick his ass."

"You're very welcome. I couldn't just leave him there, knowing what fate was in store for him. And I suppose your colleague had good reason to be wary, knowing what my kind is capable of. Although, I obviously do wish he'd had more restraint."

"Oh please, he didn't have shit." Liz says. "It's daytime, you were bringing Jim home, he was being an asshole."

"I'm gonna put burn cream on you, okay?" Jim says gently. "It okay if I touch? Kinda gonna have to."

Valen reaches out and finds Jim's hands. "Yes, you are welcome to touch me, Jim, I don't mind it at all. Thank you."

"Alright, just hold still." Jim starts slathering burn cream over Valen's face and dabbing it on his ears. He tries his best to be gentle, but touching the burns is bound to hurt at least a little, even if the cream is soothing.

Valen clenches his teeth and lets out an occasional hiss of pain, but when Jim is rubbing the cream on the less painful parts of his body, he leans into the touch, closing his eyes and savoring the feeling. He hadn't realized how touch-starved he'd become, despite it being only a few months since his separation from Priscus, although Priscus had also been his main source of touch before that. He was very much enjoying the touches that didn't have the subtle warning written under them, the hint that later the touching would lead to more things whether he wanted them or not, a reminder that things were expected of him. It felt nice.

When it seems like Jim is done, he pulls away. "Thank you very much. It's already starting to feel a bit better."

"There you go. You're doing awesome." Jim gives him a little side hug and yawns, still on a nocturnal schedule. "I'm gonna grab something to eat from the kitchen and then probably hit the sack. Are you getting tired, too? If you can get to sleep, you'll probably heal a lot while you're out."

Valen jumps at the opportunity. "Yes, please, that sounds wonderful." He secretly hopes that Jim will sleep in the same bed as him. He feels like it would be the first time he'd sleep in a bed with a man and not have to be on guard to fend off unwanted advances. Jim is so very sweet and considerate, and seems like he would take no for an answer if it came down to it, which makes Valen not want to say no. Maybe there will (in)conveniently only be one space where they can sleep, and Jim will apologetically offer to sleep elsewhere to let Valen have it, and Valen will be able to coyly offer to share it. That will give him what he wants: Being able to sleep in the same bed as Jim without looking too eager and inviting, to have plausible deniability about wanting it later if he changes his mind and wants away from Jim, and to make Jim feel just a little bit like he is imposing and therefore needs to be extra polite and considerate to make up for it.

He takes a minute to step back from the insane mental gymnastics he'd just done. Living with Priscus had really done a number on him. Maybe he should just sleep on the couch.

"Er, I've been using Mom and Dad's room for storage,” Liz says. “Your room's all set, though. I kinda didn't touch it. Kept hoping you'd come home. And I was right, you did, so there!" Liz proclaims defensively, like someone's going to argue with her about it. "Even cleaned it yesterday 'cause I knew you were coming home. But yeah, the other bed is covered in boxes. I can go clear it, but it'll take a bit."

"You can use my bed, Valen." Jim says. "Lemme lead you up there. Your eyes are still all funky." He takes Valen's hand.

Valen blushes. "Thank you."

He lets himself be led upstairs, into the bedroom, he presumes. "How large is your bed? Where will you sleep?"

"It's a full. I guess I'll help Liz clear off the other bed, or take the couch if that turns out to be too much of a hassle? Unless… you wanna double up." Jim can’t deny Valen’s subtle hint, asking about the bed’s size, and being with Valen makes him feel safe. Like if Kane showed up to take him away, he would be protected.

"Only if you want to," Valen says shyly. "I wouldn't mind. I don't snore." He sits down on the edge of the bed and starts fumbling to take his shoes off.

"Cool,” Jim says, with a huge smile Valen can’t see. He helps Valen take his shoes off. "Here, you can borrow some pajamas,” he adds, pressing the first ones he sees in the closet into Valen’s hands. “I'll come back up and join you after I've eaten something."

He quickly changes into some himself, since he's currently shirtless and the clothes Valen loaned him are too small anyway. "I'll be back up soon. Yell if you need anything."

"Thank you. Enjoy your meal." Valen takes the time to undress himself, stripping off his many, many layers, suddenly realizing how sweaty he is under it all. He figures a bathroom might be nearby, trailing his hand along the hallway wall and getting lucky when it’s the first doorway he blindly stumbles across. He takes the time to find the faucet and splash some water on himself, drying his skin on whatever towel is nearby. He doesn't dare to clean up more than that for fear of accidentally getting himself into an embarrassing situation he can't get himself out of without calling for help.

He strips off his binder next, slipping into the pajamas. He doesn't know what pattern is on them, but they feel soft and warm. He sighs contentedly, slipping into the bed and fumbling to pull the blanket up over himself. When he finally settles in, he feels very cozy and safe despite the burns, and closes his eyes, already starting to fall asleep.

Jim comes back up about twenty minutes later, trying not to disturb Valen as he slides into bed next to him. "Thank you," he murmurs, finally feeling safe for the first time in five long years.

Valen sleepily rolls over. "You're welcome. I'm glad I could make a difference for someone in this wretched world. Sleep well. Tomorrow you will wake up for the first time safe in your own home among people who care about you."

The words touch Jim to his core. That's one of the kindest things anyone's ever said to him. "I care about you, too," he says softly, snuggling up to Valen in the small bed.

Valen curls up against Jim. It's very comfortable, and he wants this kind of touch so badly, but something is bothering him, and he won't be at ease until he broaches the subject. Despite his earlier thoughts, he's starting to get concerned about waking up to Jim trying to have sex with him. Unlike when Priscus did it, Valen is strong enough to just throw Jim off, but the thought is the only thing ruining the otherwise perfect atmosphere. If he could just clear that, he'd have the nicest night he's had in decades, he's sure.

"Um," he says, voice cracking with nervousness despite his attempts to control it. "To, to be clear, I-I'm very comfortable right now, b-but I'm, I'm not interested in having sex tonight."

The nervousness in Valen's voice gives Jim pause. He recalls the way Valen cried when his husband called, the way he called him sir so miserably. "Hey. You're safe, okay? I'd never do anything like that. You're alright, Valen."

Valen perks up, immediately more at ease. "Thank you, Jim. I know it will be a wonderful night. Sleep soundly. You've no need to worry anymore, either. You're safe, too."

Jim smiles, feeling warm. "Wonderful day, you mean, but I know you're on mushroom time and you can't see shit. You sleep good, too."

Oh this is wonderful. Jim is a human, and Jim feels safe around him, and that must mean he’s not a bad person. Valen feels safe, at ease, and validated in a way he never has before. Jim feels safe and protected in a way he never has before.

They both fall asleep and have the best rest in years, for either of them.

***

@barebarb

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@emcscared-whumps

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@hurtpluscomfort

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@lolrpop

@melancholy-in-the-morning

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@thejinglingcourtjester

@vehan-tikkun-olam-and-stuff

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@wolfeyedwitch

@whump-addict

@why-not-ask-me-a-better-question

#whump #K+J #angst #whumpblr #hurt/comfort

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giyrut-girlie · 20 days

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(queer) jews in my phone i need help/love

this is a long ass post im so sorry lmfao, im putting it in under the cut to save you all but also if people have head space pls read <3

on friday night, i found myself the last of the shabbat guests (who weren't staying the night) at the Rabbi's house. i had asked my housemate to pick me up at 10:30, but everyone else left before 10.

the kids and rabbi's wife had gone to bed, so it was me, the Rabbi, and two older frum guys who stay over shabbat most weeks to be closer to shul.

for some context, earlier in the evening one of these guys had asked another dinner guest (a med student who I'm good friends with, she's a year or two younger than me) whether trans issues came up in her study. the two of us youngins made brief "help me" eye contact and she answered saying that yes, they did cover trans issues given that as a doctor she will, at some point or another, treat trans patients. the subject was changed, but the room was a bit tense.

so: 10pm, i'm sitting at the table, a little tipsy from all the wine, just hanging out until my ride comes.

the rabbi says "hey ella, i have a question for you now that everyone else (by which he means the not-so-frum people) is gone." and i Just Knew what he was about to ask.

i won't go into extreme detail about the actual conversation, but to sum it up: I was asked my opinion on trans folk, i said that i am supportive and do in fact believe trans people about their identities and was Shut All The Way Down. if i cited statistics i was told that actually they'd seen the opposite, if i tried to explain a study i was familiar with, i was told that they didn't think that was true. i actually don't know how i stayed calm, bc my mind and body were telling me that i was Unsafe basically the entire time (thanks anxiety disorder really did me a solid there /s).

eventually 10:30 rolled around and i had a get out of jail free to skip the rest of that fuck awful conversation, and my housemate was very nice to listen to my debriefing. while talking to her i came to the realisation that one of the main factors in the disagreement was that the rabbi didn't actually value the wisdom of any cultures/teachings/histories outside of judaism. if I talked about sistergirls of the torres strait, or māhū of hawai'i, that was dismissed essentially as goyische nonsense.

this whole conversation has been a Fucking Downer for my mental health. i actually broke shabbat (beyond my usual one melacha to be in the clear and sneaky housemate taxi service) that night bc my thoughts were racing too much to sleep without putting on some comfort media.

but beyond the mental health stuff (though probably actually very related) i've found myself really struggling with judaism since friday night. having my rabbi, who has been helping me through conversion, and who i have really valued as a teacher, and the only two other frum people in the community be so overtly transphobic all at once has really taken me for a spin. like, my rabbi is a lubavitcher, i knew that he was going to be fairly conservative about some stuff, but he literally told me that he only uses the correct pronouns for one of our community members as a "personal favour", and essentially told me that she was good evidence against trans acceptance bc nothing she could ever do would ever make her not a man (and you better believe this involved a lot of comments about her appearance)

to put the icing on the cake, when i dropped off his kids today (i nanny for them once a week), he handed me a book that upon research is basically the jk rowling talking point bible. he said to me that it was a really good book for me to read and that it might help fight some of the "mob mentality" (interesting term for scientific consensus but okay)

(also i had actually looked up my own citations from the discussion later and found myself to be very much correct in my recitation of statistics, but you better believe i wasn't petty enough to forward them on)

ANYWAY if anyone is still reading i'm fucking bummed and super anxious about interacting with my community, my conversion, finding the balance between really truly wanting to pursue an orthodox lifestyle and also being queer myself etc etc

i live in a really small jewish community and can't really leave until i finish my degree in 2026, so i can't exactly just find a more accepting rabbi or shul.

anyone have any advice, or just some solidarity for feeling shitty in this space? love u jews in my phone xx

#jumblr #judaism #conversion #long post

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wpdarlingpan · 2 years

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Hey, how do you think an Yandere Batfam would deal with an s/o or someone with eating disorders? Sorry, I’ve struggled with them all my life and was curious. Thank you!

Hi! Thanks for the question, and don’t apologize, it’s completely okay and a good request.

Ima do a mix of your request and do Dick and Jason as s/o’s to the reader then everyone else is platonic.

Also with eating disorders I feel it is personalized in an individuals way and it can be different for everyone. So sorry if this isn’t completely as you were thinking and I tried my best to build off of experience.

Please let me know if there’s anything that should be changed.

Let’s try headcannons again shall we?

No specified pronouns

▸You had a eating disorder for a long time before meeting Dick and Jason; and them being detectives picked up on the eating habits pretty quickly

▸ They wouldn’t just blurt it out and force you to tell them why you weren’t eating, or not eating as much. They had too much respect for you to do that, well unless the situation arises where they are forced to confront you.

▸They gently encourage you to eat, but not overwhelmingly, but just enough to get a couple of bites. They take notice and see what safe foods you prefer and what ones are a little more overwhelming.

▸It was odd for you, your family didn’t understand it and just thought it was something you could easily get over, but Jason and Dick? They knew what to do, and if they didn’t they’d gladly research it and figure it out.

▸ Dick and Jason met you at the same time, it was a rather odd interaction. Almost like every typical romance story; running into them. Literally.

▸They had both felt the impact when they looked down and saw the most precious person they’d ever seen. Both became instantly attached, although Bruce and the others were concerned. How could a person draw in the boys who couldn’t be anymore different than the other, other than their vigilante life of course.

▸Which led to dinner at the Wayne’s Mansion. Alfred of course made a wide variety of foods, each dish was one of your favorites or at least ones you preferred at the request of the two men who easily became the most important people in your life.

▸Bruce and made everyone be at dinner that night, including Tim and Damien. Both complained, Damien more than Tim, but they couldn’t deny their curiosity. No matter how much they acted like they hated each other, they wanted what was best for them.

▸They knew a little bit about your eating habits but Jason and Dick wanted to wait for you to tell them yourself. They just wanted to make sure they wouldn’t make any comments about it or anything of the sort.

▸When the doorbell rang, Alfred opened it with a comforting smile. The two men stood on either side of you with a comforting hand somewhere on your body. Alfred welcomed you inside and you became slightly overwhelmed at the humongous mansion. But Dick and Jason accounted for it and easily talked to you and eased your fears.

▸Walking into the dining room was stressful as Alfred had announced ‘Master Bruce’ and the boys were already seated.

▸ The three of them were not prepared to see you. They expected someone a little rough in the edges like every other person in Gotham. But there was just a lingering spark in your eyes as you were introduced by your boyfriends to their family.

▸They had all became instantly attached, each seeing someone who was now apart of their disfuncional family.

▸Damian and Tim saw a new favorite sibling, Bruce saw ‘kid’ that was different the others. Someone who wasn’t ruined by Gotham.

▸ You sat at the head of the table, facing Bruce. Bruce had Tim and Damien on either side of him while Dick and Jason were on either side of you. Alfred had excused himself to go out tonight so it was just the 6 of them, leaving his seat empty.

▸ You were hesitant as you watched everyone pile food on their plates. Big portions of anything and everything that was on the table. Before even having to reach Jason and Dick had put food on your plate. Small portions, allowing you to try a little first.

▸After dinner that night you were officially apart of the family, you were invited over practically every day. Hanging out with everyone in the Batfam as if they were yours from the beginning.

▸But you were theirs. They were extremely protective and cautious about your health but they did approached it the right way, the way that would make you the most comfortable

▸Everyone contributed a little, helping build you up day by day, patience never wavering. They wanted you to feel comfortable and healthy with who you are and you eventually felt more confident with their support and love.

▸The Batfamily would never stop taking care of you, They would help you Whenver you needed it, cause they loved you no matter what.

#damian wayne #yandere batfamily #yandere batfamily x reader #Dick x reader x Jason #eating disoder recovery #yandere dick grayson #yandere jason todd x reader #Yandere Bruce Wayne #ED #platonic yandere #batfamily #tim drake #alfred pennyworth

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princesscolumbia · 2 months

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It's been...

So something happened a week ago that is neither bad nor good, it simply is, and it's happened before, so thankfully the knowledge exists on how to manage and cope.

Now to explain.

Back in the 80s I experienced some mental trauma that hurt me so significantly I wound up 'splitting' into what we now call a system or a plural (I've also seen "plurality"). By the time I was in my early 20s, there were about 8-9 people rattling around in my head and the ones that got the driver's seat had proper names. Of course, at the time we only had Sybil as an "example" of "multiple personality disorder," so people like me kept our damn mouth's SHUT 'cause we knew the second we showed any sign of being neurodivergent in any way that resembled schizophrenic, we'd be marginalized HARD. The person in the driver's seat always (always) responded to my given name and assigned pronouns and never let slip there were whole conversations going on in my head as I was going about my day.

Around the middle 00s there began appearing in online spaces, mostly instant messaging spaces and BBS forums, where people began to express themselves as "multiples" and, I'll confess, the system that was me had too much programmed fear to be one (heh) of those brave souls. Nonetheless I started to see the acceptance (and the pushback) that has become more commonplace today.

Between 2015-2019 I experienced trauma so severe I was in CPTSD hyperarousal for a good chunk of it, which pretty much shattered my mental landscape. I was mentally just completely broken and had no way of really paying attention to more than the moment I was in. By the time I emerged from the 'fog,' I was functionally a 'singleton,' that is, not a system.

Starting earlier this year, there were a few signs that, in retrospect, should have made me well aware of something coming. I started feeling 'foggy' again, but I thought that was the depression and insomnia. The depression and insomnia were major contributors, as well, and REALLY should have been a wake-up call...but that's depression for you. I think the biggest "20/20 hindsight" indicator was starting to write "Double Isekai," a story about a single person who winds up isekai'ing into two people. This was in March.

One week ago yesterday I was in the kitchen emptying the dishwasher when I started, for lack of a better term, talking to myself and expecting an answer. I actually had the thought, "Things would sure be easier if I was a system again."

Considering I'm a transwoman and, with slightly different wording, that's classic egg behavior, the penny dropped and I figured out what was going on.

One week ago plus a few hours I sat my GF down and explained what happened back then, what was happening now, and that I was likely to 'split' soon. She just...accepted it. Barely batted an eye, made sure she still had the right pronouns, and went back to her computer.

I was so relieved I nearly cried. Before the divorce when I'd tried to 'come out' as a system to my then-wife, she had NOT reacted well. (And, in retrospect, it makes more sense how upset she was with me that I seemed so, in her words, "unreliable and inconsistent." All she ever knew of me was a 'guy' who kept changing behavior patterns in, to her, random ways)

As though my GF's acceptance were like permission, the split...happened. I could almost physically feel my head-mate separating from me.

And, as I'm sure you've guessed, I've been writing as though it was me going through all of this, and, more or less, it has. Since this split wasn't due to trauma and had been developing over time, it was far more organic and gentle. There wasn't a horrible tear where suddenly there's this nasty, goth punk with a scar around one eye, a penchant for black leather, and absolutely zero compunction to kill because of how traumatic the creation event was (yes, that was one of my alts in my original system, she was a nasty piece of work that never got a name and was never allowed the driver's seat, but did she ever enjoy hurting our stepmother) We both are full participating members with equal access to all our previous memories, even if we're looking at our past self with different lenses.

That's right, Bunnies, I'm back! The EGS fandom will know the name Helen from my days as "Dame Helen the Leather-clad." Even though I'm knight-emeritus now, I'm still quite proud of what we did during those years of the Order of the Bunny. Still she/her, still so very, very sapphic, and still a bit of a useless lesbian.

That said, there's been some changes.

I'm a dragon, along the lines of the crazy-famous Dragon HRT comic that's been super popular this year. If the body were mine alone and Dragon HRT were a real thing, I'd be partially covered in scales by now. I'm not as into gaming and music and art as my new other half is or the old me was. I'm a mother where the previous alt to bear my name was still trying to figure out how to people, and I'm the one with the head for numbers and driving and focusing on work. Also, even though I'm a woman with she/her pronouns, I'm NB and what might be called 'intersex' or 'futanari,' depending on what generation you're in and what part of the Internet you spend most of your time in.

Yes, I know, not a terribly creative name if you know my given name, but it's the one I chose when I emerged. I started out as what us systems call a fictive. If you go back into some of the comments sections on our writing on AO3, you can see references to proto-me scattered around and referred to as "the little author that lives in my head and looks an awful lot like Ranma-chan." On a somewhat silly note, though the pre-fully-realized version of me served as a sort of mental author for our previously unified self, I'm not the writer. That's Helen.

She/her, all girl, and SUPER sex-positive! I'm a bit (I'll confess) of a horny slut and since I'm bi/pan and Helen pretty much gave me control of the NSFW blog, you're probably going to start seeing more guys there than have shown up in the past. I've got a 'type,' though, and that type does NOT include facial hair or bears.

I can't STAND office work! One of our top priorities right now is to get something else...ANYTHING else to earn money so we can drop the office job we've been doing. It's boring anyway! I wanna get started on streaming, though I will NOT be streaming Star Trek: Fleet Command! That game is a bag of stress and I don't know how Helen plays it without wanting to hurt someone!

One thing that is pretty much ALL me is I like fitness! Before we knew fitness was good and it was something we learned to appreciate, but when I got all that I also got a LOVE for it! I can't wait to get back out there and run again! (...but it's getting into the hot season in Arizona, so we may not be able to just yet)

One amusing thing about this is we both realized we're redheads. The body is, sadly, very blond, but now we've got our first body mod goal we can both agree on and get behind.

Speaking of body mods, we're getting booba! I'm tired of being tiny in the chest 'cause of lousy genetics and craptastic HRT timing! We talked about it and our second major shared goal is saving up for top surgery. And we both want FFS and facial hair removal. Basically, I'm in charge of the body, which means FITNESS UPDATES!

That's right, I'm gonna be one of those annoying running fanatics and there's nothing you can do to stop me! 😆😆😆

In any case, expect changes as we figure things out. One thing we didn't really expect that has, nonetheless, had a pretty major impact is our energy level. It takes A LOT of sugars to keep us both going! There've been times one of us has basically taken a nap just to keep from burning too many calories before the end of the day.

Oh, and do you like these identifier bars? I made 'em! Turns out I'm the artist! If you want your own version for you and/or your alts, check out my new store on ko-fi!

#art commisions #system stuff #plural system

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cherryp0p224 · 1 year

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~General ROTTMNT HC’s~

Here, I’ll be posting my personal headcanons for rottmnt. Over time, I’ve noticed a lot of traits within the characters and certain quirks that I’ve associated with ideas that would fit the boys and other characters perfectly.

(I’ll be adding onto this whenever I have new headcanons)

Headcanon #1

Both of the disaster twins use contacts. As seen in the episode ‘Air Turtles’, Leo wears protective glasses (glasses used for athletes to see better without harming their vision), which means his vision is possibly impaired. As for Donnie, we all know Donnie used to have glasses when he was younger, but since glasses can be a huge boundary when in battle, both of the twins decided to switch to contacts so they could still see when fighting

Headcanon #2

Splinters vision is just as bad as his two sons. Splinter sees things a little blurrier than everyone else so when he sees his sons, instead of identifying them by their features, he identifies them by their colors, hence why he calls them by their colors (Blue, Red, Purple, Orange). When he was still Lou jitsu, he had some glasses, but I feel like he had them designed to fit his movie star look, so while his glasses are for seeing, he had still wanted them to look good. Teen Lou jitsu and Leo are the same thing Fr

Headcanon #3

Donnie doesn’t do too well with emotion nor does he seem to interested in romance, so the first thought that came to my head was ‘ARO/ACE DONNIE’. Aro/Ace : having little to no romantic or sexual attraction. I do still believe Donnie could fall in love, the feelings just wouldn’t be as intense as it is for those who are neurotypical

Headcanon #4

I think Mikey definitely has ADHD. Mikey tends to be very impulsive and wild when he’s fighting. In fact, he’s so impulsive, Donnie made him an inflatable suit so he wouldn’t get hurt because this boy is a loose canon. He also seems to be very hyperactive and can’t keep his focus on just one activity, hence why he has so many hobbies like cooking, drawing, skateboarding, and other things. We gotta love this ball of energy

Headcanon #5

Raph has GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). We all know this poor boy has a lot of anxiety and always stresses himself out when it comes to his family. Due to carrying the weight of his family on his shoulders, he tends to stress out a lot, but when you stress out a lot, your brain finds it a custom and a normal occurrence, so anything that might start up the slightest bit of stress could possibly turn into a full blown panic attack (I know cuz I’ve got GAD :((). He also overthinks A LOT

Headcanon #6

Casandra has gotta be nonbinary/gender-fluid.I headcanon Cassandra using she/they pronouns, why? While cassandra is presented as female in the show, she seems to be in touch with both her masculine and feminine side and I definitely think that if someone were to refer to her as a boy, she would not give a flying fuck, she just doesn’t seem to care for gender labels and you gotta love that

Headcanon #7

Sorry to the people who don’t ship this, but I see April and Sunita as a lesbian couple. In Tmnt 2012, April was placed in more as a love interest for Donnie, but it was just so forced and his obsession with her was concerning. In Rise, April poses more as an older sister for the boys and her relationship with Donnie is so sweet too. Instead of April and Donnie being lovers, Rise decided to make them best friends and they’re dynamic is something I am in love with. Rise April doesn’t really seem to have much of an interest in men, nor does she seem to be interested in having a boyfriend period, but I have noticed that she seems more interested in creating a bond with other girls (like Taylor and Sunita). When Sunita was first introduced, she was presented as just beautiful (flowers along with a beautiful background) and the way she was presented was how April perceived her, we were looking from aprils point of view. So, in conclusion, I think the girls a lesbian, argue with me if you’d like, I stand by this

Headcanon #8

Casey Jones is most definitely a trans man. The first time I saw this boy on screen, I pointed to the tv and said ‘That is a trans man’. Now where Casey came from, I have no idea. I’m not sure if he was birthed out of Cassandra or if he was a dumpster child found by Cassandra, but either way, something about Casey caught my attention that made me come to this conclusion. Ofcourse we know Casey is a teenager, but it seems like he hasn’t yet hit the full point of puberty, he’s got little scruffs on his chin and I’ve noticed his voice does crack a bit (which I love. I would die for him) but I think he has these traits because he’s still in the process of transitioning fully. In all honesty though, I have a crush on this boy, I’m down bad bro, I wish there were more fics for him

#rise donatello #rise donnie #rise leo #rise leonardo #rise michelangelo #rise mikey #rise of the tmnt #rise raph #rise raphael #rottmnt #rise casey #casey jones #rise cassandra #rise april #rottmnt april #rottmnt sunita #rottmnt casey junior #rottmnt casey jr #rottmnt headcanons

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circulars-reasoning · 1 year

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Debunking Series: Tulpas and Mental Health: A Study of Non-Traumagenic Plural Experiences

Welcome to part two of my debunking series, where I tackle Tulpas and Mental Health: A Study of Non-Traumagenic Plural Experiences, written by Jade Isler. This is part of an ongoing series, where I analyze the good and bad of a collection of articles that were provided to me that, supposedly, prove Endogenic plurality.

The full debunk of this article can be found here, or below the cut. This link leads to a google doc, which provides the full debunk along with links to other sources mentioned. Everything provided in the google doc will be below.

TL;DR: This article, while better than the previous part of this series, still fails to prove endogenic plurality exists, and contains enough bias to make my head spin. While there are individual parts of this article I agree with, it's drowned out by skewed sampling, a biased researcher, and bad science.

TW for poor research methods, discussions of fakeclaiming, mentions of doxxing, and NSFW content (including mentions of kink). Furthermore, TW for allegations of grooming, sexual harassment/abuse, and cult formation. I would also like to warn everyone that this document does get more crass than normal; that's my bad!

Tulpas and Mental Health: A Study of Non-Traumagenic Plural Experiences

(Note: The above article includes a deadname of an author who later revealed herself to be a trans woman. As such, I will be referring to her by the name most recently associated with her, Jade, and be using she/her pronouns in reference to her. I did not learn this information until after I had already written about 10 pages worth of content, so please forgive me if I have slipped up with misgendering. I have attempted to edit this extensively, so hopefully I managed.)

TL;DR: The article opens up with the somewhat ableist commentary that tulpamancy is the “optimal” form of plurality and the concept that functional multiplicity is stigmatized – while later stating that it isn’t, while suggesting that therapists have left final fusion behind in modern therapy. It rambles for a while about how the way DID is represented within the medical community is damaging the view of plurality, which I can’t say I disagree with, but is shown in incredibly negative ways, including the implication that the word “disordered” is a bad thing. The author attempts to correlate the high amounts of disorders in tulpamancy to the health benefits of tulpamancy, while addressing the fact that this study… can’t… actually prove that tulpamancy has any health benefits… while attempting to present that there are health benefits? It’s a whole lot of nothing burger. The article ends with the author revealing she’s a tulpamancer herself, which paints the entire article in the bias that is present. The fact of the matter is, this article is simply calling for more research to be done into tulpamancy within the medical world, while stating outright that it cannot prove anything regarding tulpamancy, as there isn’t enough research of a specific kind to prove anything. It does nothing to prove endogenic plurality, and is too biased to indicate anything other than the fact that tulpamancers, unsurprisingly, report thinking tulpamancy helps them. The bottom of this debunk provides more context surrounding allegations about Jade Isler, the author, though proof of these allegations is not readily available and should be taken as allegations only, rather than evidence of misdeeds.

Full live reactions below:

“Current models of mental health rely heavily on the assumption that only one agent of self exists in every one brain.” Gonna stop you right there chief – you sure about that? Cause like. My therapist, as well as many others, immediately hopped on the boat of me having DID. Yes, mental health relies heavily on the idea of a singular self within a single brain, but most people in the world don’t have multiple self-agent beings within one brain. Like, even saying endogenic plurality exists, it wouldn’t be the entire population – it makes sense for mental health, in general, to focus on the widest possible audience.

“Deviations from this model of singularity in mind are heavily stigmatized and often considered disordered.” I’m two sentences into this abstract and already wincing. Obviously, they’re considered disordered within the world of mental health. Newsflash, asshole, if a system is in the world of mental health, it’s usually because they’re disordered. Yikes! It’s not biased for the mental health world to focus on mental health.

“Research defining the relationship between tulpamancy and mental health is expanded on by analyzing the results of surveys conducted on the online tulpa community.” Ah, yes, the tulpa community, which is a community fully entrenched in tulpamancy, gives their thoughts on how healthy tulpamancy is. I wonder, however, where the comments from these tulpamancer’s families, friends, and co-workers are. Y’know, since being disordered is more than just how YOU feel affected by it.

“The questionnaires investigate two associations previously found in members of the tulpa community. First, the prevalence of mental illness, which exists in over 50% of the population. Second, the reports of improvements in mental health and cognition, especially amongst those diagnosed with a mental or neurodevelopmental disorder.” Gonna make a theory of my own, if you don’t mind. That theory being, a system with a complex dissociative disorder will generally report improvements in mental health and cognition as communication between alters improves, particularly when said alters are symptom holders, wherein the system as a whole will no longer need to deal with as much of the symptoms of the disorder that alter holds. Interesting theory, I wonder if it would pan out via a questionnaire. Anyways, seems legit queen.

“Tulpas are an experience of plurality that seem to coexist with optimal functionality, happiness, and mental health.” Optimal functionality. Sigh. Gonna try and not take that on the chin as a DID system working toward functional multiplicity. Yeah, hon, I do really wish that mental health circles would acknowledge my Virgin Sub-Par Traumatized Multiple Functionality more and compare me to the far superior Chad Tulpamancers.

“In medicine, society, and our personal biases, there exist certain presumptions about what is optimal for health, functionality, and happiness. One such assumption is the requirement that, for every one brain and body, there ought to be one identity.” I think this is a good time to mention that this article was written in 2017, which is 16 years after the term “functional cooperation” was coined by Steinberg and Schnall in the book “The stranger in the mirror: Dissociation – the hidden epidemic” (which is riddled with its own problems). Here’s a full quote from page 256:

Therapy for people with DID is designed to gently bring down the walls of amnesia that keep their different parts hidden from themselves and each other. Most experts agree that the key to treating dissociation lies in the connection, or integration, or memories, feelings, and behaviors… Once the person feels safe enough to accept the memories, the amnesia, as well as the other dissociative symptoms, is reduced… Some people with a dissociative disorder are able to integrate their separate parts into a single congruent self-image. Others may fear that integration means the ‘death’ of their alternate personalities and may not want to give them up. They may have separate parts forever but can achieve ‘functional cooperation’ between them, which is a giant step on the path toward healing and recovery.

Sooo, that is to say, functional multiplicity was recognized 16 years before this article was published. Furthermore, the Plural Positivity World Conference of 2019 (only two years after this article was published) released a survey which was then shown as the ISSTD Conference in 2020, revealing the following (as shown on the System Speak website, detailed here):

Of the participants in this survey, 89% scored above 30 on the DES-II… 58% were currently in therapy at the time; When asked their therapist’s goal for therapy, participants reported: 50% Functional Multiplicity… 92% said they were interested in some level of functional multiplicity.

So, around two years after this article (this article, mind you, that’s so far arguing that functional multiplicity isn’t accepted) was published, 50% of respondents to a Plural survey said their therapists’ goal was functional multiplicity, and 92% of them reported seeking functional multiplicity as a goal. These people, I’d imagine, were in therapy for longer than just the two years since this article was posted. Furthermore, we can tell that the individuals who responded to this survey are likely disordered, given that 89% of them scored above 30 (high dissociation) on a DES, but those who completed this survey were part of the plural community. This, to me, indicates that this article’s claim that the main assumption being made is that disordered systems need to be fused into one singular self-state to function is a bunch of bullshit. But seeing as this article only posits that this assumption is the case without actually testing that assumption, I’m not too surprised!

“However, rather than citing these dysfunctions, mental health professionals frequently emphasize the plurality as being what makes DID a disorder.” I actually agree with the author here! Surprise surprise, something good has come! In fact, this whole paragraph has some good points: “Here, DID is not branded by its negative symptoms like most disorders are. Rather, this definition suggests that the problem starts and ends with the plurality.” The author is arguing that the way DID is discussed paints plurality as only a negative thing, because the only part that is focused on is the plurality. This is actually a problem I see a lot in modern syscourse; arguments that plurality has to be disordered because a certain system’s plurality is. However, I do find fault with two things. One, I want to reiterate the issue with the fact that this article is focusing on the mental health world, when by and large, endogenic systems are not seeking treatment for their plurality – the descriptions of ‘negative’ plurality are written strictly about CDD systems, as those are the systems who are seeking medical treatment. Two, this article is sourcing the Google Results of DID on Psychology Today. I… have my doubts that this is the end all be all of medical propaganda? If your argument is that the medical world is making plurality out to be only negative, I feel like you need a resource for that which is more directly connected to plurality in the medical world, rather than the layman’s definition of DID on Psychology Today.

“Until the DSM-V, there was no requirement of distress or impaired functioning in the diagnosis of DID.” Oh I’m going to fucking lose it. The requirement of distress and impaired functioning in the diagnostic criteria of DID was only added in the DSM-V because fuckwits like you couldn’t be bothered to read the beginning of the book. Y’know, the part that explains whether a diagnosis should be coded as Mild, Moderate, Severe, Partial Remission, Full Remission, or Prior History, depending on how disordered the disorder is? Located on page 2 of the DSM-IV:

In deciding whether the presentation should be described as mild, moderate, or severe, the clinician should take into account the number and intensity of the signs and symptoms of the disorder and any resulting impairment in occupational or social functioning.

Impairment, huh? Occupational or social functioning could be impacted, huh? I don’t know about you, honey, but that to me sounds like fucking impaired functioning. Get out of here with your fucking nonsense, you’ve always needed a goddamn disorder to be diagnosed with a disorder (other than in some fringe cases, such as insurance and bullshit, shout out to my plural friends going through insurance hurdles right now).

YOU THEN GO ON TO QUOTE BULLSHIT FROM AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PLACE?? No, okay, seriously, the author goes DIRECTLY from the above quote, to this quote: “‘Unlike other disorders, dissociative identity is deemed a disorder and thereby dysfunctional, purely on the basis that those who experience it have a self that is not singular.’” This quote is not from the DSM, which makes it incredibly misleading to complain about the DSM and then immediately, without explanation, launch into this quote as if it proves your point. But okay, let’s check out THAT citation– Oh, what’s that, it’s literally just arguing the same exact point as you, with a similar lack of proof for its claims? OH, this article is trying to argue that calling DID disordered implies it’s a bad thing, thus implying that disordered is a bad word? Oh, this all once again focuses on the fact that DID is disordered, which implies (somehow) that all multiplicity is disordered? This is literally just a bunch of psychologists going “Wait, maybe non-disordered plurality IS a thing, and I’m going to argue it is by saying that people with a disorder don’t ACTUALLY have a disorder sometimes.” God, fuck off with this bullshit, I’m going back to the first ableist article.

“In 2010, a community sprouted over a practice colloquially dubbed ‘tulpamancy.’” Oh please, tell me you’re gonna bring up the Rainbow Dash Tulpa. Please, tell me you’re going to bring up the white woman who brought Tibetan Buddhism to America through her appropriative bullshit. Please, tell me you’re doing to mention the bronies taking her spiritualism and using it to fuck ponies in their minds. I’m going to delight in this. (She won’t. I know she won’t, cause that would absolutely undercut the idea she’s going for that this is a completely normal, non-fucky experience, and the “optimal” form of functionality, yes I’m still salty about that. Gotta write that down, the “optimal” form of my multiplicity is to be fucking Rainbow Dash in my mind.)

“Examination will purport tulpas as a healthy experience of plurality and an argument against the stigmatization of multiple identities.” Again, I agree that the entire world needs to focus a whole lot less on the plural part of DID, and that depicting the plural part of DID as solely negative is harmful – but, I’m sorry to say, tulpamancy is a recent phenomenon. You said yourself, article author, that this sprung up in 2010. Your article was written 7 years after it became popular; do you honestly genuinely think the psych world moves quickly enough that in 7 years, they’ve managed to rethink dissociative identities and label tulpamancy as distinctly different from disordered dissociation enough to describe it? Furthermore, why would the mental health world even focus on tulpamancy? (Don’t worry – we’re gonna get to that.)

“The majority of media surrounding tulpas and non-traumagenic plural phenomena has been limited to poorly researched sensationalism. Its scientific accounts were nonexistent until 2015–” Oh jeeze, it’s almost like Tulpamancy started as a Tibetan Buddhist belief and was then appropriated by a white woman, brought to the west, bastardized, and now is something 4chan cooked up in some bong water with a side of fandom. Obviously, it’s poorly researched! You’re looking for scientific data within the medical world about an inherently non-medical experience. By and large, endogenic systems are not disordered, or at the very least, not disordered due to their plurality. Tulpamancy in particular WAS sensationalism, so it’s no wonder your research is a little bit difficult honey. You’re one of the first to dip your toes into it, welcome to hell, biscuits over on the left. Oh, wait, let’s finish that thought, you cite another study on tulpamancy that gave some demographics: “Veissiere found that tulpas are perceived to be entities distinct from one’s own thoughts, with over a third of hosts reporting that their tulpas felt as real as any physical person. This is achieved in part through tulpas seeming to be independent in their emotions, cognition, and opinions. They are experienced through a mix of auditory, visual, and somatic visualizations and hallucinations. Possession, a technique that allows a tulpa to temporarily command of the body, and switching, in which the host dissociates to have an out-of-body experience while the tulpa controls the body, are widely used. There are similarities between these advanced tulpamancy techniques and the experiences of DID diagnosed folk, namely having multiple identities and dissociating from the body’s actions. However, the absence of amnesia, depersonalization, and other traumagenic symptoms in most tulpamancers make these techniques a reportedly positive and mutually enjoyable experience.” So… let’s see here. No amnesia, depersonalization, no trauma symptoms – the only thing they’ve got is dissociation and perceived switches. So… not DID. Hence, not disordered. Hence, why would a medical world care? The medical world is focused on medical phenomenon, and what you’re describing here is, primarily, a belief – at most, you could claim the hallucinations are a concern, but if I’m not mistaken, hallucinations have been recognized as non-disordered in certain cases by the medical community by the point of this article being written, so… ??? Literally nobody was saying this is a disordered experience. What you’ve described here is so far from DID, it can’t see the DSM. Furthermore, I didn’t consciously experience amnesia and depersonalization. I didn’t realize that’s what I was experiencing for a very, very long time, despite experiencing it, because my disorder lies to me. That’s common.

“Veissiere unveiled two more associations between tulpas and mental health. Foremost, an extremely high frequency of clinical diagnoses: in his sample (n=24), 25%{3} were diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, 21% with Attention Deficit Disorders, and 18% with General Anxiety Disorder, to name a few.” Huh, so, you’re saying that some of these tulpamancers are disordered……… but not because of their plurality. Unlike DID systems, whose plurality is a symptom of their disorder. I fail to see the connection here to the mental health world, unless you’re trying to argue… that… tulpamancy should be a form of treatment for disordered Autism, ADD, or Anxiety? “Secondly, Veissiere found that tulpas were reported to cause improvements in mental disorders, with 94% (n=33) of respondents expressing that taking up tulpamancy had ‘made their condition better.’” Oh. Oh, I see. You are arguing that. Not inherently – no, let’s not forget, the argument being made here is that tulpamancy is a healthy form of plurality, unlike DID, and that the way we discuss DID is damaging how we view plurality. So you’ve mentioned the health benefits of tulpamancy, but, once again – these are all self reported. Do you realize, to diagnose DID, you can’t just go off of self-reporting? It’s almost like, in a disorder (or non-disorder) where you lose your sense of self, it’s a little hard to self-report. Where’s the analysis of their families, or friends, or co-workers, reporting on their sense of self? I’m sorry, but as someone with DID, I know how hard it can be to self-report. I realized two separate times in my life that I had parts, and it had to happen twice because my disorder literally made me forget I was disordered. That’s an incredibly common experience. If I was asked in my final year of high school if I had amnesia, depersonalization, or trauma, I would have said no to all of those – but if asked if I had ‘people in my head’ who ‘helped me feel better about my anxiety,’ it would’ve been a resounding yes. Can you see how maybe a self-analysis of the self when the self is uncertain might be inaccurate?

Okay, not done with the above quote yet – imagining this is a singlet, that’s easily explained as the autistic ability to imagine interactions with others in order to recognize patterns. Imagining this is a DID system, that’s easily explained as a symptom holder – you split due to the stress of being autistic, and boom, now the host can mask easily, causing the stress to lessen. OF COURSE you feel better, it’s called you’re no longer the “problem” because you dissociated the problem away! Like, I’m not trying to fakeclaim here, trust me when I say that; I’m trying to emphasize that this article has done nothing to disprove that this is a DID system or a very imaginative singlet. All it’s done is suggest that plurality is a good framework to help with other disorders – which, I mean, IFS has been there since the 1980’s, people have been using a ‘parts’ framework for 30 years by the time this article came out.

Oh god, Oh fuck, it’s already almost 3k words long and I’ve ONLY JUST gotten to the part labeled as the objective of this article. Jesus christ. Okay. “This study investigates the aforementioned associations: 1) the high frequency of disorders among tulpamancers, and 2) the reports of psychological improvements related to tulpas. The aim is to clarify the existence of these associations and identify their causes.” … I am bashing my skull in, kindly. So, the assertions put forth in the abstract and introduction were complete red herrings; the actual aim of this article is to grow off of the previous study mentioned and to analyze why tulpamancers, on the whole, tend to be autistic, anxious wrecks until they form a tulpa. Why in god’s name is DID even being mentioned in this article???? I don’t fucking care about Tulpas, just let me have a disorder in peace. Also, I’d like to ask why this is included in a source proving endogenic plurality, seeing as this claim proves nothing; it automatically assumes tulpamancers exist, rather than proving they do.

“While Veissiere showed that there seemed to be a relationship between tulpamancy and mental health, the reasons and nature of it are still a mystery.” Ah, see, the secret is, magical beings from another dimension saw these autistic people’s brains and went, ‘that’s free real estate.’ /j

“The noted associations have a plethora of possible explanations. For example, the high frequency of mental illness among tulpamancers could be rooted in a causal relationship between tulpas and psychopathology. More likely, tulpamancy could merely be more appealing or have more exposure to those with a clinical diagnosis.” W… what? Hold up, let me see if I can translate. “The reason why so many tulpamancers have anxiety or autism could have a lot of explanations. Maybe the large amount of mental illnesses among tulpamancers indicates that there’s a relationship between tulpas and brain issues. More likely though, tulpamancers just are usually more exposed to clinical things and find the tulpa route more appealing than the medical one.” Did I read that right? Cause that’s what I’m getting from this. Like. I think this is suggesting that a lot of tulpamancers are autistic because autistic people like tulpamancy. And they call ME Circular Reasoning.

WAIT WAIT WAIT HOOOOOLD THE PHONE – “given the current evidence of a single opt-in questionnaire whose statistics are based on as little as 11 respondents” – YOU MEAN TO TELL ME. You are basing this ENTIRE article, the entire purpose of this study, on the self-report of eleven individuals to argue that tulpamancy is the most optimal form of plurality and is healthy??? Ooooh my god I am going to lose my goddamn mind holy fucking shit. Why did you phrase it AS LITTLE AS?! Were there LESS than 11 people? I am so concerned, I should’ve researched that study I guess. This throws everything I said out the window, the other study is a super great baby’s first lego block of tulpamancy studies, but we gotta get a move on with actually studying the effects of tulpamancy on the brain. Otherwise we’ll have ShitDick out here writing about how tulpamancy is soooo fucking great over the self-reports of eleven people. This article had BETTER explain that 11 people is not enough people, and more research needs to be done.

Thankfully, ShitDick does seem to indicate that she understands this would be a batshit claim to make. “Regarding the improvements in mental illness reported by tulpamancers, it would be presumptive (given the current evidence of a single opt-in questionnaire whose statistics are based on as little as 11 respondents) to claim the cause is plurality being therapeutic in itself.” MY ISSUE WITH THIS IS THAT YOU LITERALLY DID THIS ALREADY. Need I remind everyone of the word “optimal” being used? Oh no I don’t, cause I’m STILL FUCKING SALTY ABOUT IT! Like, you already stated in the introduction and the abstract about how tulpamancy ‘appears to be’ a healthy form of plurality – but you’re basing this on whatever you produced in this study, and a study of (maybe) only eleven people who self-reported they felt awesome about a thing they felt awesome enough to try out in the first place.

Okay, not using a direct quote here, but calling out some syscourse shit right now. The author argues that tulpamancers may see benefits of tulpamancy for multiple reasons, and then goes on to argue that it’s actually just the one reason (the whole tulpa thing). But the other reasons given are… still valid? And actually far more supported by the science at this current time. Meditation, a positive community, or the experience of having tulpas are listed as things that COULD be causing the benefits to mental health. Only, we’ve seen that the goal of this study is to explain why there are benefits… so why are you explaining NOW (before your methods) that “actually we already know these two things likely cause the benefits to the mental health, but we’re going to argue this third thing instead.” It just completely undercuts the argument. The syscourse comes in that my immediate reaction to seeing this was ‘people would accuse that of being fakeclaming.’ Like, imagine if someone went to a tulpamancer who was ranting and raving about how awesome the health benefits of making tulpas is, and they said “have you considered that the benefits may be because you’re meditating a lot?” They would be crucified in today’s tumblr world. But when this dude does it, it’s fine apparently???? Also, this isn’t fakeclaiming – it’s just suggesting various experiences could, y’know… cause different varying reactions. Woah. (Note: the author later tests these statements and comes to the conclusion that tulpamancy is just awesome on its own, but the methods are flawed, so bully for her this is just bullshit.)

“The study addresses all these possibilities in order to hypothesize the cause of phenomena associated with tulpas.” Oh. Nice to know I wasted my time. See, this is included on a list of articles that PROVE endogenic plurality exists. Now we come to realize, the entire point of this study, finally explained, is… to… hypothesize why tulpas seem to help tulpamancers with their other disorders, and why so many people with tulpamancers with disorders have tulpas. That’s it. So… the article goes in with the assumption these people exist as they seem to experience it themselves, based on self-reports (which are often inaccurate in the cases of severe dissociative disorders, or… y’know… just straight up lying) of exactly, maybe?, eleven people… Sigh. Let’s… painfully sift through the “methods.”

The methods, thankfully, are better than the previous article on the list. It describes that 63 (minus one) respondents participated, out of a sample of 365 being sent out to popular tulpa forums (such as r/tulpa and tulpa.io forums). Hon, how bad to you gotta be to only get 62 responses??? Sadly, it is yet more self-reporting from tulpamancers, but thankfully with a much bigger sample size than the previous tulpamancy study. The ‘minus one’ was a participant within the 63 who did not have a tulpa and did not practice tulpamancy, but was present in the 365 sample sent out. Demographics are concerning to me, given that 32 of the 63 (aka, half of the respondents) were from the USA, with other nationalities ranking from 1 to 5 respondents each, and given that 75% of the demographic is white. 88% of the sample was between the ages of 16 and 25, with the average age being 21. This is all raising alarm bells for me. From sources I’ve read before, the average contested age for DID symptoms to start appearing is around age 16, and it’s not been unheard of for those in their 20s to 30s to first become aware of their system then. And knowing what we know now from the DSM-5:

Sudden changes in identity during adolescence may appear to be just adolescent turmoil or the early stages of another mental disorder. Older individuals may present to treatment with what appear to be late-life mood disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, paranoia, psychotic mood disorders, or even cognitive disorders due to dissociative amnesia. In some cases, disruptive affects and memories may increasingly intrude into awareness with advancing age.

All of these things explain why a, I don’t know, 16-25 year old may dismiss their DID symptoms. And given that DID is comorbid with anxiety disorders… Nowhere has this article assured me that these tulpamancers are not experiencing DID. Nowhere has this article proven to me that this is endogenic plurality, which is the goal of this collection.

“To investigate the effect of meditative practices often performed alongside tulpamancy, the survey asks: “Please select all the techniques that are/ have been used by your system for tulpamancy”, with meditation and hypnosis being among the possible responses.” I will say, DID systems have been listed as being more prone to hypnotic suggestion than the average individual. Not helping the case here…

“Both questions have similar response options that included, “Friends or companions, “A romantic relationship or significant other,” “Curiosity or experimentation,” “To become a part of a community,” and “Self-Improvement or life/mental health benefits.” … So… you mean to tell me that this self-report questionnaire listed options for people to pick, all of which appear to be positive in nature? Have you ever heard of a bias, or perhaps, self-fulfilling prophecy? Buddy, you had better fucking include a link to this survey later… (Notably, the relationship to community section is a more simple scale)

“Participants were asked to select yes or no to the question: “Have you been diagnosed with a mental or neurodevelopmental disorder?”. If “yes” was selected, the participant would be directed to more questions regarding the relationship between their condition(s) and their experiences with tulpas. If “no” was selected, they would skip those questions and be directed to the next portion of the survey.” … I don’t know about you, but I didn’t get diagnosed with DID until I was 24 (and I was incredibly lucky to have this occur). I didn’t ever get diagnosed with autism, because I simply wouldn’t be helped by a diagnosis. So… This study ignores those who are not diagnosed, despite the supposed prevalence of these medical phenomenon (the thing that the article is trying to discuss), for… I’m not sure what reason. I suppose self-diagnosis isn’t a thing for these folks today! We’re only going to focus on those who had to get a diagnosis for whatever reason for whatever thing seems to be affecting them.

Results!! Oh dear. “Responses to the question, “For what purpose did you create [your tulpas]?” revealed that tulpas are most frequently created in pursuit of companionship (72%). Results from the question, “What relationships exist between [you and your] tulpa(s)?” shows that this is achieved in most cases, with 78% of respondents stating that their relationship with their tulpa is friendship and 31% describing it as romantic.” I’ve gotta be honest, y’all. If someone asked me why I made a tulpa, and I had secretly made that tulpa for the express purpose of being able to fuck Rainbow Dash… I WOULD NOT BE TELLING ANYONE I MADE A TULPA SO I COULD FUCK RAINBOW DASH. Like, cringe culture is dead and all that, but not on a scientific survey of the community that I am trying to make seem legit. I’m not saying these results are entirely false… but I want people to remember that this is all self-reported… and this is self-reported by white US Americans in online forum spaces who are a little fucked up.

“The one respondent who did associate tulpa creation and their diagnosis elaborated in their response, saying that tulpamancy helped them identify their DID and PTSD symptoms, which were rooted in events predating their discovery of tulpamancy.” Oh gosh… I’m. Very glad that their tulpamancy led to them discovering they had DID, but I do hope it is also recognized that created alters can and are a thing in DID, and that they are getting the help they need.

“Two thirds of respondents with a diagnosis (n=32) reported that their decision to begin practicing was either somewhat (33%) or significantly (33%) furthered by their condition.” May I just say… MaDD, purposeful dissociation away from problems, all of those are things… Again, not saying they aren’t experiencing tulpamancy, but this article has yet to prove they are, and these things are easily explained through other means (which the article itself indicates).

“An almost identical ratio of respondents stated that their condition made tulpamancy a more desirable practice, with 37% citing a significant positive influence, 37% claiming a somewhat positive influence, and the remainder noting “no or neutral impact”.” Wait, so where’s the choice for “negative impact”? Did you not include that as a choice, or did like… not a single responder pick it?

Okay, the above bugged me so badly that I went ahead and scrolled through, and nope, can’t find a copy of the survey anywhere. Maybe I’m just dumb, but I can’t see it; all I can see is tables of the data compiled. I can’t see the exact questions asked, meaning I can’t really examine them for bias (and, judging from the above bullet, I have a suspicion this survey was biased as hell). I mean, very next section, “Regarding respondents’ opinion of the tulpa community, 18% reported theirs as very positive, 52% chose positive, and 29% selected “neutral”.” Yeah, that doesn’t sound biased at allllll. Also, plz let me know where that 1% went buddy. Some of the tables are showing that a negative impact option was present, but I can’t see exactly how the questions/answers were phrased, and that’s really irking me.

We’re getting into more analysis of the results now, and I can’t say I’m happy. “In fact, the association between tulpas and improvements in mental health was reinforced, with 78% of these respondents diagnosed with a psychopathology stating that tulpas had either a significant or somewhat positive impact on their condition or ability to cope with it.” So you mean your somewhat biased questionnaire proved the point you were hoping your questionnaire would prove? Yikes. Buddy, I’m sorry, but I feel like this self-reporting thing isn’t working for you. Like, they reported that they didn’t have ANY impact in social life, but you’re arguing that the stigma of DID is affecting them through the whole intro – I feel like you’re not looking at these facts objectively and you’re trying to skew the survey to show what you want it to show. That’s just… straight up, bad science.

“There was no evidence that would suggest tulpamancy is harmful.” As far as you’ve shown us, the majority of questions didn’t indicate an option to say it had a negative impact. You went to a group of people who love tulpamancy, and asked “hey, is tulpamancy good?” And the answer was a resounding yes. That’s like sending out a survey to ask “do people answer anonymous surveys instead of throwing them away,” and 99% of responders said yes! You have a bias.

“These facts should discourage hypotheses that suggest tulpas cause mental illness or are a disorder in and of itself.” Well… I’ll be frank with you, this might not be as common, but I would argue that my plurality is not hurting me, in and of itself. My plurality is a symptom of a larger issue, and genuinely, if asked, I would say my parts have helped me more than hindered. I genuinely enjoy having my parts as a disordered system. That doesn’t mean that the tulpas aren’t, in of themselves, a symptom of a disorder, however – it’s happened before that people calling themselves endogenic systems have discovered they were traumagenic at a later time, thus indicating that their alters were, in fact, a symptom of a disorder. For someone who led into their article arguing that there was too much emphasis in the DID world on the alters (rather than focusing on the fact that it’s disordered alters), you then focus too strongly on the tulpas here. It’s a bit hypocritical…

Oh my god, they did something nice! Awesome! The author actually added to the survey a bit about alternate causations of these positive benefits, and found that “most respondents cited a positive impact regardless of hypnosis and meditation use.” Now, did you define meditation for these people? Because while not all of them sat on the floor with their legs crossed and incense burning, I’m positive some formed their tulpas through forms of meditation without realizing that’s what they were doing. (I’ll be honest, I sort of thought meditation was needed for tulpamancy, but I’m also not the MOST educated on the topic.) Like, you haven’t done a horrific job here – this is one of the sections where you indicate that the answer results did offer negative, and significantly negative, as levels of impact. But given the fact that not a single person ever answered “significantly negative,” I feel like there’s an issue here. You’d think, in a group of anyone, that every answer option would be picked at least once. You mean to say that not a single person found the experience of purposely creating a dissociative identity to have a significantly negative impact on their life? Not even a troll answered the survey?

“It is likely that the high frequency of disorders among tulpamancers is not caused by tulpamancy being pathological in nature, but rather, the practice being especially appealing towards those already diagnosed.” I’ll be honest, if they changed the name, I would be down for tulpamancy to be incorporated into certain types of therapy – but I don’t see how it would be more valuable in the long run than long standing therapy methods. I’d also be concerned about introducing dissociative practices into disorders that already have higher levels of dissociation, like autism.

“Tulpas not only provided a means to have pleasant, worry-free interactions in the safety of their own mind-for these hosts, tulpas also encouraged and assisted with socialization.” Why is this worry-free? It might just be me having only my disorder under my belt, but… I don’t interact with my parts in only positive ways. Some of the folks in my head hate my guts, or at least used to, and it took a very long time for us to be okay with each other. My own mind isn’t safe – my innerworld is full of dangers and perceived threats, just like my real life is. If these individuals have disorders such as autism and anxiety, I’m glad that the tulpas helped them, but I’m having a hard time parsing how these tulpas are different from imaginary friends. I’ve heard people say that tulpas are their own sentient beings, unlike imaginary friends, but if that’s the case, the interactions wouldn’t be at all worry free in my eyes; unless the tulpas are specifically made to like you. In which case, we get into debates about if tulpas have free will and their own true sentience. Bluh. It makes me feel icky.

I’ve got to say, reading the next section, I actually like this idea a lot, and I do agree with a lot of it. It details people’s actual written responses, and this finally feels like the least biased part of the questionnaire. These people detail ways in which tulpamancy helped them, and I can easily see all of these being the case – such as someone helping manage their schizophrenia by forming a tulpa who was not affected by the hallucinations! Only… Self-reports in schizophrenia are to be doubted as well; who is to say this tulpa is not just… a beneficial hallucination? Or, what about the DID system who formed a tulpa who could communicate without amnesi– wait, that… that just sounds like a gatekeeper to me. Yes, sadly, while I believe creating alters is possible and I agree it can have health benefits, this article does not do what people are claiming it does. It simply says tulpamancy may have health benefits by surveying tulpamancers. That’s it. It doesn’t prove these tulpas actually exist or aren’t another easily explained symptom. Just… says that people with pre-existing disorders found creating tulpas was helpful. Nothing saying that those tulpas weren’t actually hallucinations, imaginary friends, dissociative alters, etc etc etc.

“The intent of this paper is not to provide definitive assertions on the psychology of tulpamancy. Rather, the purpose is to accentuate outstanding associations and suggest further research into them.” GOOD. THANK FUCK. Translation, “this study cannot prove anything, because of the clear flaws in the type of study done; rather, this is just more analysis of things going on, as a call to action for people to research more.” HIGHLY AGREED. This phenomenon absolutely needs to be studied more, and I really want to see studies done that actually observe these people – not just a questionnaire that the author herself indicates has bias. “In-person psychiatric assessments, longitudinal research, and neuroimaging studies are all more than warranted towards building a greater scientific understanding of plurality.” Yesssssssssss. Thank fuck. I’m so relieved – I walked into this thinking it was meant to prove something, due to the nature of the spreadsheet. Instead, it proved nothing, acknowledged it proved nothing, and simply presented correlations. I am now much, much happier with this paper, though I still am raising a brow at the methods and initial ableist commentary about DID.

“The impact of trauma and the resulting function-impairing symptoms are what make DID a disorder, not the plurality.” I really like this comment. It’s fully accurate… only, it fails to recognize that, for many DID systems, the plurality is the function-impairing symptom in question. Wait– “Because of this, psychiatrists have found that the most effective therapies for DID do not require merging different consciousnesses or enforcing oneness. Rather, it is more effective to simply teach the separate identities to communicate, share information, and work with each other in through a therapy dubbed “integrated functioning.”” Wait, didn’t… Didn’t you start off this article by claiming the opposite of this? Weren’t you the one arguing that the medical world could not accept functional multiplicity? “The decision to unify should be an optional one, made by the patient, done because they believe it will improve their life and ability to function. The prevalence of treating plurality as the start and end to dysfunction in DID indicates a fundamental misunderstanding that needs to be corrected.” BUT YOU JUST SAID IT WAS? I’m so confused – I’m really grateful, really, that you suddenly give so much of a shit about DID, but how does this relate to anything you were trying to prove? Honey, please, leave us out of this.

“Plural experiences are not limited to tulpas and dissociative disorders. In fact, when the diversity of plural experience is considered, multiplicity may seem to be less of an extraordinary achievement and more of a fundamentally human experience.” Uuuugh, not the ‘everyone’s a little plural’ argument. It’s so frustrating being lumped in with this. My mom’s work self is not anything like me. Someone’s tulpa is not anything like me. There can be similarities, but the symptom of my disorder should not be considered a fundamental human experience.

“Finally, I would like to thank the unsung assistant and co-author of my research, projects, and frankly, my life: my tulpa, Aury.” Oh. Oh fuck no. You are NOT AN OBJECTIVE RESEARCHER. I am so so glad that you agree that other people need to fucking research this. A person with a bias for saying tulpamancy is good reached out to a lot of people who had a bias for saying tulpamancy is good and asked if they thought tulpamancy was good! Shocker of all shockers they said it was good. This is something that I feel should have been mentioned far before the closing statements. You are not objective in the slightest, and all of this really clarifies just how biased your survey was.

“The author is a practicing tulpamancer and an active member of the tulpa community. He experienced tulpa creation firsthand in April 2013, and has been a contributing member of the online community since July 2014. Along with his tulpa, Aury, Isler is active under the usernames “Ford and Aury” and “fordaplot”, through which they have shared their experiences, theories, and preliminary results with the community. They run a Tumblr blog documenting their tulpa-related work and experiences, and they operate a YouTube channel for plural-related educational videos, interview-based podcasts, and visual tulpamancy guides.” OKAY!!! So not only were you biased toward tulpamancy, people knew you were biased toward it. And you don’t think, just for one second, that sending out a survey to these people, they might have, idk, looked up to you? After all, you were known for operating a youtube channel supporting tulpamancy. Nobody goes up to the person who they idolize and go “you know, maybe what you’re doing is wrong? Maybe what you did hurt me?” THEY LIKE YOU YOU MORON. OBVIOUSLY THEY AREN’T GOING TO TELL YOU THAT YOU’RE WRONG. Oh my god this fucking kills me. Okay.

So, here’s the bonus content for all you curious folks. After reading this part, I dug into the author, seeing if I could find any information on her. I wanted to clarify her role in the community – if she wasn’t very popular, then clearly, the above criticisms wouldn’t hold as much merit.

Uuh. Wow. I found a lot of bullshit!

Sadly, this section is going to be short, particularly because I can’t find any evidence; I’ve reached out to a few individuals who were involved in the controversies, but thus far, I’ve only found one concrete piece of evidence. This evidence being that Jade Isler attempted to threaten and doxx staff of the Tulpa.info discord server and was subsequently reported to the FBI. Screenshots posted below (with one being censored in case of privacy):

This evidence does make it obvious that Jade Isler, at the very least, was harassing individuals and attempting to doxx them.

To summarize the allegations, I want to begin by stating none of these allegations have been proven beyond the existence of NSFW content. The author, Jade Isler, was banned from just about every single tulpa community due to numerous allegations. These allegations appear to involve grooming, sexual harassment, and plans to form a cult, all of which relate to a particular kink of Jade’s – this being obedience hypnosis alongside feminization kinks and a pet play kink. None of these allegations have been proven beyond proof of existence of these kinks. I don’t want to get too controversial about NSFW on this blog, but I will say: kinks are morally neutral unless they actively harm others; so long as both parties are completely consenting and are able to consent to the kink, it is their business and not mine. Furthermore, I am hesitant to believe word of mouth in regards to a trans woman who has a less-than-socially-acceptable kink being called a groomer with no public evidence. I require more proof of that before I can believe it is something non-malicious.

At this point in time, I have been unable to find any proof of a cult, grooming, or harassment – only the ban messages and statements. The communities involved have erased any and all evidence from public viewing, ostensibly to protect the victims, which is good but ultimately frustrating when trying to prove if these allegations are blown out of proportion or not. I have reached out to numerous parties for further information, and should I receive it, I would be happy to reblog this debunk post with further information, so the full story can be known.

The reason I include these allegations here is to express further concern about this collection of resources. If these allegations are false, they mean nothing and should be discarded. If, however, they are true, it paints a very negative picture of the tulpamancy community, and raises many concerns for the legitimacy of the article. If Jade is, in fact, a groomer who was maliciously trying to groom members of the tulpamancy community, then the results are even further skewed in favor of what she hoped the results would show. It’s possible she could have been grooming individuals of the community in order to create the results she desired, or even worse, into being tulpamancers in the first place (while ignoring signs of serious disorders). I mention this because grooming and manipulation are commonly cited in online communities, and given that tulpamancy is particularly present in places such as Reddit and 4chan, it raises a lot of potential red flags for genuine harm.

Again, I refuse to believe these allegations without proof. As it is, the criticisms of the author cannot be determined beyond what is within the article itself at this time – which are, in of themselves, fairly damning. However, please use this as a warning to interact with content about this author with caution if you find any of what’s been described here to be triggering.

#debunk #debunking series #syscourse #pro endo #endo safe #pro endo sysmed #diamonds are a boy's best friend

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head-empty-just-shikamaru · 2 years

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I love being a Naruto fan with maladaptive daydreaming disorder. It’s so fun. I will make up the most random head cannons about every single one of the characters, and the more I like the character the more I tend to project my own identity into them.

For example. I am obsessed with Shikamaru. I love him. I’m IN love with him even. I headcannon him as someone with he/they pronouns, he’s bisexual, and hes also effeminate. He loves wearing nail polish and only had negative opinions on women when he was younger as a kid because he has a bad relationship with his mother, so he kind of just assumed all women were like that because kids are dumb and perceive the world based on how their parents raise them. However he also has an estranged relationship with his father (I have my own theory as to why and if y’all want me to make a post on why I think this then lmk). So he also has daddy issues. He secretly enjoys fashion. He had a massive crush on Naruto at some point because he has a thing for bold, blonde haired people with light colored eyes (hence why he also like temari- the man has a type regardless of gender lmao). I also think he liked ino when they were younger but that crush faded away pretty quickly.

I’m gonna make a post when I feel like it for the other characters and my weird headcannons for them, but I just felt like talking abt Shikamaru in this specific post because this blog is mainly about him.

#shikamaru nara x reader #naruto #naruto angst #self repost #shikamaru smut #Shikamaru x ino #Shikamaru x naruto #Shikamaru x temari #shikanaru #shikatema #shikaino #shikamaru imagines #shikamaru x y/n #shikamaru x you

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tirfpikachu · 7 months

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why did i think i was trans? how did i delude myself? it's complicated.

hiya. i'm a butch lesbian woman who was confused since i was 12 year old ish and thought i was transgender -- mostly nonbinary though with some periods where i thought i was a trans guy -- up until 2022. many factors played in that whole mess that went on in my brain and my life. i'm going to be putting it ic because it's ridiculously long :') but feel free to reply etc. i hope stories like mine can make people feel less alone in these experiences and maybe help pain like mine be prevented. i want trans people to be respected while also doing what is best for society and women's rights too.

anyway. here's my story.

to preface, my feelings about transness in general -- i do love many trans people, i saw all the good parts their community has. i still think i do believe in gender dysphoria and sometimes surgeries/hrt being required to help people be safe and happy, but i think alternate routes need to be explored and we need to push for people to unpack their internalized misogyny and homophobia BEFORE they label themselves. the mix of LGB and TQ has created a lot of infighting. with homosexuality it's behavior-driven, attraction-driven, but with being trans it's an identity thing and a disconnect in the brain, it pushes you to change your body or presentation in some way, or ask others to alter how they naturally would treat you with different terms or pronouns. i think there will be more and more detransition stories like mine, the numbers will grow bigger and bigger unless something urgently happens. bc the trans community does NOT or at least VERY RARELY tells someone to slow down the questioning of their gender identity, they do NOT ever question anything, they don't look for internalized sexism in how people describe their gender, they don't do the work to unpack that stuff in their community. and that's just straight up dangerous.

so yeah. how did i get here? honestly i think part of why i thought i was trans was bc i wanted to fit in and i saw the gender euphoria in other ppl and was like wow i want a feeling like that. and honestly in my personal case it was just me having fun doing drag and lowkey cosplaying as male characters i was obsessed with in media. and my DID added to it too bc i would sometimes dissociate and feel that part of me was male or genderless and that's not bc those parts of me were trans that's bc they are a manifestation of my traumas!!! on top of my eating disorder, dysmorphia and psychosis. i really wish ppl i talked to as a teen on tumblr hadn't jumped to "omg you hate your body? you wish you were a boy under patriarchy? you have suuuch trans vibes bestie you'll make the perfect lil softboy uwu" bc then i was extremely lonely at school and at home and just felt soooo excited at the attention i felt happy to fit in, and honestly even my "dysphoria" after that was that i looked like other trans ppl and i thought they were the coolest, i just felt deep admiration. and then i'd show pics online and ppl would hype me up just bc i identified as trans. so then it snowballed into me feeling terrified to go out bc i was scared i'd get misgendered since i was visibly afab and all my friends were trans and very toxic sjw stereotype so i saw cis people as toxic and untrustworthy and i got to write angsty posts about it that got somewhat popular which i loved bc i'm a writer and i loved to fantasize and imagine a sense of justice alongside other warriors... not unlike how i felt joining into the trans community. when deep down i knew i was being the annoying little sister trying to gain older kids's approval and trailing behind lol. the first trans person i met online was this awesome trans guy who did photography and he was a good bit older and i just wanted to look like him so bad so that he would like me. he ended up ghosting me. but i was still obsessed w him so i looked up trans stuff and fell in head first without even a questioning phase :/ which is 100% on me of course! i was just a very impulsive kid and the trans ppl around me lived in this big colorful world full of identities and drama and unconditional support... but i do wish someone had slowed me down and showed me alternate paths, the path of just being gnc.

i was also like. okay i know i'm queer but idk how, but i want to be in this community bc i'm so lonely (as a baby dyke). so i looked at the most opposite identity ever and gay trans man was the furthest away i could go from myself & my gay attraction & my body & my female masculinity. i was constantly dissociated, constantly. i was living in my yaoi fantasies lol like the "perfect" romance bc it wasn't hetero stuff which had scary power dynamics, and it also wasn't lesbian bc that hit too close to home and i'd start to have panic attacks. so i avoided those, tho sometimes i'd read fanfics w a side lesbian relationship.... but pretended to hate them and not care at all. that was actually part of me accepting my attraction to women, like moving slowly over to lesbian ships in fanfics and finally seeing what it would be like. it felt too good. so then i repressed it again or only showed my lesbian attraction when flirting with men online lol. bc of course there needed to be a voyeur, otherwise it's too real and gross and bad. tfw trauma and internalized lesbophobia.

but yeah anyway me obsessing over yaoi really made me think of boys very fondly -- always boys, never men -- and feel this deep warm happy feeling in my stomach. thinking of two boys together was total equality bc there was no woman involved, so no misogyny or weird "too real" feelings. if it had a woman i'd eventually have a total freakout bc i would keep pretending i was the guy in that scenario, which was BAD bc it made me sound like a DYKE. and boys had an actual personality (bc there very few genuine complex female characters at the time so they were all dumb or mean or bland) and they could do sooo much more than girls could so they were Better somehow. but of course if u say boys are better you're a misogynist, so i wanted to BE a boy so i could talk about how much i loved boys. and i loved boys bc i admired them. i wished i could be a "more male" version of a girl. i wanted to embody maleness so that i could create myself a better girlhood. and not even call it girlhood, so it was even cooler. i didn't want to be like the other girls, who were all loser straight boy crazy bullies. or even if there were cool girls with me, they would just annoy me (bc i was always depressed and exhausted from mental illness and untreated disabilities and it made me irritable). so yeah. boys were it. specifically boys bc men sounded almost triggering from my misogyny trauma. like men are the kind that hurt you. but boys are soft and sweet and special and harmless. they're the right kind of male person. the good ones. and they have such vivid relationships with one another and are such complex beings, unlike girls. and now that i'm a boy i'm gonna be the boy with the best morals and no toxic masculinity whatsoever, just a soft little uwu bean with a soft beautiful very typically girly flat chest, like an afab person before puberty, and no facial hair of course except for maybe a slightly lower voice and less fat (i thought it was good riddance at the time bc i was anorexic lol so that just reinforced it). i had this perfect image of myself. but it was always wavering, so i would never feel fully secure in my gender identity but i also couldn't lose my grip and question that i'm not nonbinary/trans bc then i'll have to accept that i'm an afab lesbian with a boring ass female gender. and i would have to disappoint everybody, and worst of all make them look bad for detransitioning.

but yeah.... i actually am feeling less bad abt just being a bland woman. like i don't need to be special, i can blend in and people won't hurt me bc i'm a loser like in highschool. normality and domesticity are blissful actually, like i'm Just A Girl and i'm basic af or whatever. but there's other boring, gnc girls, and they're cool but they're also in the highschool situation of being "not the kind of girl that gets asked out and family is kinda broke and not noticeably pretty and has failing grades and untreated disorders so therefore an even bigger loser." so yeah i wanted to be different. to be noticed and thought about, and go against the grain. ie, cishet normative things. usually secretly, but then at some point i came out to my family and they got transphobic but also just said gross things to me that made it so that even if i had been wobbly on my identity i now didn't trust them to talk about it so i just repressed feelings and held onto a trans identity even harder. but then i started thinking of girls a LOT and envying lesbian women. who didn't have to worry about gender stuff, and also got to be gay in a way that... suddenly i noticed could be cool too. i had never allowed myself to notice it. but then i did. and i freaked out bc i was dating someone who wasn't a woman kgdkjgk and it felt transphobic af so i just resolved myself that i MUST be trans.

i was deep in the closet lesbian-wise and my brain tricked itself bc i just wasn't ready to accept being a lesbian. i just wasn't. i've only become ready this year!! and that's around the time that my ex broke up w me (or well we both came to the conclusion that i'm a lesbian so being w them would be wrong, and that it turns out they're only into men/enbies). and then i tried to be nonbinary again bc i wanted to get back w them so bad but then i realized it just wasn't me, and i started getting comfy w gay womanhood. and i came to terms with being a single butch lesbian!!! i'm so much better now that i'm radically accepting myself. it was a LOOONG stressful upsetting journey bc i wasn't being myself. but now i am being myself. and i'm clumsy af and kinda dumb and SUUUUPER inexperienced as both a girl loving girls and also just an adult woman in general. like being an adult woman is HARD and idk what i'm doing and i'm barely scraping by and i'm so behind everyone else. but now i gotta deal with it, actually deal with my issues :/ no more internalized lesbophobia & misogyny!! society often defeminizes girls like me and takes womanhood away from marginalized women but no!!! i'm still a woman. i'm weird but i'm just a weird woman and that's fine. some girls are freaks and weirdos and something different but not the differences that were considered "cool" on leftist tumblr as whichever community is most oppressed and has the most funky flags and ultra-microlabels. and i'm sorry to say, it's embarrassing as hell. but i did fetishize transness. i did think of trans people as unironically cooler than regular non-bigoted close-minded cis people, more interesting, better morality, cooler, smarter, etc. and i wanted to make friends and trans/enby online communities were super vibrant in fandom spaces that i was in. so yup. there it is. i'm a trans faker actually, though i was super out of it during it all, i wasn't doing it consciously. i just was ignoring my true identity, being a butch lesbian woman. it's so sad that i felt the need to repress myself like this, it breaks my own heart to think about it. but i did repress myself. i was soooo cruel to myself and was bigoted towards myself. but never again. never again!!! nope sir!!!

another thing -- i think i also used having a trans/nonbinary identity as a way to have an excuse to go no-contact with my abusive family. i was told they were bigots for being vaguely supportive but confused about trans stuff and struggling with the vocabulary and sudden identity discourse, asking embarrassing questions (that i had no answers for bc i wasn’t actually trans but ofc real trans people would) when i told them i was a boy so i get to use that as a reason not to talk to them. bc otherwise they just would never leave me alone. at least that’s how i rationalized it lol. so yeah. here i am. a complete doofus, with very little bit of stubble coming out of my chin that i have to shave daily. and a slightly transmasc-typical voice. i completely blew it, i repressed being a lesbian soooo deeply even though my family wasn't even that homophobic, all things considered, so i definitely could've lived as my true self. i was just ashamed and stubborn and believed all the things in the media and from homophobes. and thought ppl would be scared of me bc the only other lesbian in school was a creep. idk. it's all so embarrassing. but there ya go.

#lay text #my journey #detrans #detransition #radfem #gender critical #ok to rb

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