#i have schoolwork that i don't want to fucking give a shit about

[meraki-yao]

RWRB Movie Analysis + Feelings: The King, and Parental Love

Okay heads up, this is gonna be an amalgam of a meta/analysis, and my own feelings and experience/me venting, because I’m going through some things right now in my life and this is how I cope.

So in the book, the “final boss” on Alex's side is Richards. In the movie, I would say it’s more the action of being outed than Miguel himself, but yeah. The former is politically driven to screw things up while the latter is career-driven. To understand this change please read this essay.

Henry’s “final boss” is his Grandmother Queen Mary in the book, and his Grandfather King James in the movie. These two are in a similar position: the head of the monarchy and of the family, both trying to make Henry hide the truth. On first glance it might feel like they simply gender-bent the Queen for the movie for the sake of distancing the movie from the actual royal family, which, fair.

(Tangent: Also the fact that Stephen Fry is not only a gay icon in the UK but also a good friend of King Charles, yet he took this role without hesitation, I applaud you Sir)

But as I watched the Buckingham confrontation more, I noticed something.

And I noticed this because I’m familiar with it, in fact I’m living with it.

Either way, both the Queen and the King wanted Henry to hide his sexuality. That is forcing him into the closet, especially the way the Queen still brings up finding a wife in the book and Alex is right there, it’s forcing him into the closet for his entire life. That, is awful.

But there’s a difference.

In the book, Queen Mary doesn’t care about Henry. She berates Henry for damaging the crown’s image. She only mentions things from his perspective and says she’s only “protecting” him when she’s trying to convince Henry once she realizes that he’s not going to budge. She barely acknowledges Alex. Even till the end, she never really gave in: Princess Catherine gave her an ultimatum, and because she still wants to be in power, she extremely begrudgingly, agreed to Catherine’s terms. Not Henry, Catherine’s. It just so happens that Catherine’s terms are supporting Henry. On top of that, Catherine mentions feeling awful because of Mary (Quote: “And I swear on my life, and Arthur’s. I will take you off the throne before I will let them feel the things you made me feel”), so it’s clear that this is generational. Queen Mary is arrogant, power-hungry, and uncaring for her children and grandchildren. All she sees is the crown. She does not love Henry.

Okay, now look at the movie.

In the movie, King James says he’s protecting Henry at the start of the conversation. He admits that Alex and Henry’s love is genuine. He says the nation will not accept a prince who is homosexual. Which is still bullshit, but look at it. He’s speaking about Henry. This is about Henry. This isn’t about the crown as a whole, this is about Henry being shunned. About Henry facing scrutiny. He even says no one is saying Henry doesn’t deserve to be happy, and the implication there is that he thinks Henry will be unhappy if he comes out. In the end, he didn’t stop Henry from going onto the balcony when, as terrible as it would be, he could have. He just asked if Henry was sure because there is no turning back. He stepped back from the situation, and with a warning, let Henry decide for himself.

So here’s the thing.

There’s a type of parents, that truly do love their child and want them to be happy. But it comes out wrong and hurtful, because they want what they think is the best for their kid, without considering what their kid actually wants. They stick with the world and mindset they grew up with, and enforce that on their child, without acknowledging that after decades, the world the child lives in, and the world they lived in at that age, are extremely different. They want their kids to get the things that make the parents happy, but they don’t realize that the same thing might not make the child happy, maybe even make the kid feel worse. This is a different type of pain than straight-up abuse and neglect. (Please note that I am absolutely not saying that this type of pain is more than abuse/neglect. Abuse/neglect is still extremely fucking awful. But pain isn’t something that should be compared.)

And I say this, because my parents belong to this category. And it took me 18 years to realize that they can truly love me, and hurt me at the same time, and it’s not actually my fault that I feel bad about myself, it’s theirs.

Here’s the personal part. Please bear with me. (If you’re not interested, or find family issues or devaluing of mental health issues potentially triggering, please skip to *****)

My parents are older for my cohort, come from an extremely traditional and conservative society, and immigrated to my city during the 90s. I’m Gen Z. So our generation gap and cultural gap ended up being pretty fucking wide. I’m a very emotional, artsy person while my parents are pragmatic and hold traditional ideas very strictly. So what happens is that they don’t value the things I want to and like to do, because it doesn’t fit the perspective they grew up with and ended up being stuck with. I’ll state two examples from the clusterfuck that is my life.

Last night when I tried to subtly explain my recent struggles to my mom, she straight up said emotional people are egotistical and tend to end up mentally ill by their own doing. I excused myself and locked myself in my room to sob for ten minutes because whether or not she realised it, she was also talking about me, and holy fuck it hurt. What she said is fucked up, but the problem is I know why she thinks this way: a combination of her personality, personal experience, society and environment resulted in this perception being the only way she has ever viewed emotional people, and she just… never changed. Maybe if she heard more narratives or stories about “emotional people” she might change her mind, but right now the only exception is her daughter, who she can easily pass off as “not trying hard enough”.

My personal choices for university were between psychology, science & arts, and sociology, but on the day of finalizing my university choices, my parents spent hours telling me, in both shouting matches, and gently convincing in the same tone the king tries to persuade Henry with, about how those degrees aren’t useful, and I won’t get a job, and they need me to support myself by 25. Under pressure, borderline hysteria and non-stop crying from said pressure, and the knowledge that 1, I can’t convince them at this stage 2, I’m running out of time 3, they’re paying for my tuition, I caved in. I am now stuck with a degree I hate and feel like I have no motivation to live every fucking day. I meant it when I said RWRB is like, my only light in life right now. I’m literally writing this to avoid schoolwork. I’m also not saying my parents’ concerns aren’t valid, they are, that being said it took me so long to realize that it is not normal for me to feel so shit about myself and my life every fucking day, and that we didn’t even come to a compromise, because based on what their society taught them, they think they’re in the absolute right, and I’m being naïve, and they ended up forcing me into this. I refuse to say this was my choice. It wasn’t. It’s theirs.  

*****

Movies, books and shows are my escapism. I find comfort in stories, and even more so when I see characters who I can relate to, who are in same way, starting at a point where I am.  

When I read the book, I fell in love with both of the boys. But between them, I related more to Henry: a family who doesn’t understand us, with the sole exception being our sister, having out-dated traditional ideas enforced on us, and having parts of us being invalidated. Granted Henry’s core issue being his sexuality and my core issue being my personality and interest makes the whole issue still different, but there are bits and pieces that are similar, and I find comfort in that.

But then I watched the movie, and for some reason it hit harder. I found myself relating more to Movie Henry than Book Henry (again, I love them both, one’s not better than the other, they are different, and both precious). And I ended up clocking it on the King.

The king didn’t come across to me as cold and uncaring the way the Queen in the book did. He came across to me as someone who genuinely loves Henry, but failed to understand how Henry wanted and needed to be loved, and failed to see how the perception and opinions of the younger generation have changed. Let’s be honest, having a heterosexual prince isn’t a requirement the way the King and subsequently Henry viewed it, it’s just an expectation because that’s how the royal family’s image in the past was: either you’re straight, or you’re queer and hidden. The King was stuck with that expectation while ignoring the growing acceptance of the LGBT+ community among the people, even for prominent figures, because that wasn’t the society that he was raised in, and therefore stuck with. The king meant it when he said he wanted to protect Henry, and he didn’t support Henry because he believed that Henry was naïve or not looking at the bigger picture when he wanted to come clean about his relationship and that doing so would be Henry’s detriment. I have heard that used on me too many times.

The king loves Henry the way my parents love me: genuine, but ultimately hurtful.

And in all honesty, I think that might be a more relatable/humanizing characterization for this type of family member.

With this in mind, I do believe that perhaps when Henry was younger, when he was a boy, he had good memories with his grandfather the way I still do make good memories with my family despite all the conflict, that once upon a time the King wasn’t the king to Henry, but just Grandpa who would let him sit on his lap and read stories to him. I can’t see the Queen from the book doing that at all.

(There’s also this incredible fic imagining King James “protecting” Henry because he too is gay, but lost his love during a far more unforgiving and cruel period of time, thus fearing for Henry, It’s absolutely magnificent, please go check it out: AO3 link)

I know I said I’m on the fence about getting a sequel (although if we do get one of course I’m watching it regardless), but this feels like something, granted unique to the movie, that would be interesting to explore. Somewhat like the conclusion of Disney’s Encanto, where the older generation needs to realize that their way of thinking is outdated and hurtful and that they need to listen to what the younger ones have to say. (the younger ones aren’t always right, but they need to at the very least, be heard and respected)

The King in the movie does truly love Henry, and that, allows space for forgiveness and reconciliation, and a chance for him to learn to love his grandson in the right way. It would be nice to see that.

[1eoness]

professor!re4r leon fucking u.. i think (or at least wanting to fuck u)

cw content : leon size kink kennedy (jk) | sub-afab-fem-reader and dom!leon kennedy | age gap(ur 19-20 he's 27), leon masturbating, penetration, slightly weird ooc leon:( ♡

[to clarify, i am a minor (17). anyone <17 and anyone >17 uncomfortable with interacting pls dni]

authors note bc i love rambling; btw i'm writing this in public at some boba cafe can u believe that lol im literally supposed to be studying but hwatever fuck it leon make me go blaahhhhhh. btw what do i call this? a fic?blurb?drabble? idklmfao by the way i have NO idea on how to write professor x reader shit so im sorrhy if this sucks ass.

synopsis : conflicted and flustered professor!leon kennedy of your local college struggles to improve his class' average because students like you—incompetent, airheaded, spoiled and klutzy— make it difficult for him :(

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

you heard the rustling of laptop bags and stationery as leon's students left for that morning lecture. though, they moved slow and drowsy; for leon is sure nowadays this generation can't afford to wake up at 6:00 in the morning to prepare for a 7 a.m. lecture on "deviance and crime control."

especially you.

kennedy is a sharp man. he harps on students even if they get a B on any assignment, but he swears it's on his tough love (to which a lot of students aren't really aware of, just that they know this stoic pretty-face of a man has high standards.)

he is also keen on attendance. something girls like you seem to take lightly. it was absurd, really. most professors don't give a shit, do they?

it would've been fine with leon if you missed lectures even twice a week as long as you emphasized your understanding of his lessons through putting stellar effort on your schoolwork. but the best you've gotten on his class was a B- drawing close to a C+.

so, he needs to have a chat with you. urgently.

"l/n, i need to speak with you." leon spoke, confrontative as his black jeans peered from your right peripheral vision. he stood tall beside the edge of the table where you sat. jesus, was he trying to give you a heart attack? (he always had this habit, he'd just pop out of nowhere. he has silent feet.)

yes, you may have missed his lectures from monday to thursday to go to macedonia with your family: but if leon were given the opportunity for a vacation he would snag it too, right?

you looked up at the young professor, wide-eyed and a bit intimidated. what the hell did you do this time? you closed your laptop, gave leon your full attention. leon has also noticed this about you; you're quick to pay attention but you have the memory span of a dumb rabbit. maybe even the IQ of one too, if leon was rude enough.

so you sat there, hands on your lap as you fiddled with the pleats of your blue plaid skirt. the color makes his heart beat a little—he loves the color blue. and the way it looked on you... wait, no. what the hell was he thinking?

"you couldn't even spare the few minutes to e-mail me that you'd be missing four- four, of my classes in one week." he emphasized with a slate tone, and the way his eyes peered down at you added that he needed your reasoning of the situation. he'd love to hear what you had to say for yourself. "i had to talk to your friend, ashley, for some clarification. even the president's daughter has the dignity to show up to my class with a verbal apology." leon scolded as his fingertips met the pages of your notebook. did you even care about his classes? :(

much to your chagrin, your lips were pressed in sheepish silence. hopeless, even. you didn't even have anything to say for yourself? how pitiable.

you simply can't miss class, that wasn't right! just because you thought you could hide in the shadows amidst leon's collective of 73 students (yes he counts), you aren't out of his eyes. in fact, you stood out to him even if you were just an incompetent scholar.

he sighed at your silence. "fair enough, an apology can't compensate for your lack of presence or decorum." he then placed your paper on the desk, you had gotten a D. you were never a bad student but this was your first D ever! your eyes widened and he caught on even though he could only see the crown of your hair. "surprised? because i'm not." leon uttered flatly while his pale fingers flipped through the papers right in front of you. you even spotted a few contractions— when did you even pass this?!

but you weren't a bad girl to him, no. you were capable of shame and guilt. you looked sideways, unable to meet his eyes and training your vision to the floor. you felt low, disappointing a professor that gave you numerous chances to break out of your awkward shell.

"you're a smart girl, you know that?" he finally sighed softly. he wanted you to look at him, make him another promise that you'll start putting effort in his class. he needed to maintain his class's average or else he'd prove he was an inept professor, and he can't do that when he lets 'students like you' get away with shabby attendance and subpar schoolwork. "i don't just give students chances. but that doesn't make you special." and it was true—he's voluntarily failed 6 of his students before. "you'll do something about this, right?"

"yes, professor kennedy.." you muttered modestly.

"hmm?" he hummed inquisitively as he took your paper back. he was willing to give you a chance. "listen to me. i'll give you the chance to redo your paper. i know when students rush their work and if i see even a hint of redundancy in it—i will take all my chances back. and you are never taking absences from my class. i don't want you entering even a minute late, or leaving a second early. i hope we're clear, l/n."

naturally, you were scared. so you nodded up at him after countless confirmations that you will do you work and that you'll show up to class no matter what. he has to use your word against you, he's sorry but it's for your own good.

once he was satisfied, he gave you a nod and turned his side, dismissing you. after all, leon was a busy man. you're not his only student.

it was when you walked out the building and then 20 minutes away from it that you felt like crying. you hated being scolded by him :( but just when you were about to go through your bag for your handkerchief, you were stuck with an inconvenient realization. you forgot your handkerchief.

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ -♡- ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

leon just stared at the table where you sat from just now, backpack strap over his shoulders since he was just about to leave. he gripped onto either of them slowly as he stared down at your handkerchief in contemplation.

a twofold baby-blue hankie embedded with a subtle floral print. tentatively, he picks it up with his hand and examines it. for a minute his mind went blank, conflicting between chasing you and just returning it to you or to leave it by the lecture podium for her to retrieve tomorrow (when you hopefully attend his lesson again.)

..but blue was his favorite color.

"damn it." leon, with a barely audible mutter, shoved the handkerchief in his jacket pocket. he felt like the most guilty man in the world, poor boy.

...

leon sighed.

he wasn't celibate.

his hormones were in shambles once he got to his place. perhaps part of it was because he knew he hasn't graded the recent tests yet.

manspreading, tie loose, shirt stuffy and jeans undone while his hair wisped in slightly disheveled directions. cold breaths followed out his pretty mouth.

"nnn..fuck.. uhh-" leon whimpered into the baby blue cloth, laced with your perfume. he felt so guilty, so perverted. he shuddered every time he could see over the edges of the cloth, seeing his cream-leaking tip from previous orgasms spurt teasingly. "ahh- fuuuck, p-please-"

his grunts were high. he was close to crying, staining your pretty handkerchief with guilty-pleasure-ridden tears. spilled milk, it trailed down his pretty shaft as he pumped it over and over. his motive was you— you were just so fucking stupid and had so much naivete, it absolutely vexed him knowing how endearing you were.

until a slip of leon's mouth surprised him, earning a small squeak from him as he accidentally muffled your name in your cloth. "fuck, y/n- a-ahh.. u-uhh..hmfff.." he was frustrated; whining and cumming while his mind stirred with the thought of you and your pretty eyes and the photographic memory of your dumbstricken face.

he gave out a tired whine into the cloth, so, so close to crying his frustrations out. he just wanted to eat you. christ, and he was so hard for you it made his head ache..

he could only watch his girth that pulsed with white. he pried the sweet handkerchief off his lips, breathing roughly and wiping his tears. he felt so, so sorry for you. the color of the cloth looked exactly like the skirt you wore yesterday. and yet to top it off, he (ashamedly) wiped his cum off with your dainty cloth. oh, he's so sorry..

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ -♡- ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵

he didn't want to come to this point. or maybe he did and god was force-feeding him with culpability (he's atheist). he offered once to tutor you personally. one-on-one, no distractions. and so suddenly, someone's skirt was on his clean carpet floor..

your blouse draped over your shoulder and was pulled above your bra carelessly. he handled you with so much ease, squishing you into position while he tried to slowly push his thick length into your syrupy hole. you bit the knuckle of your thumb, and whimpered timidly that he was too big. but look where you were now.

"fuck- you're so- you feel so good.. shut up and take it all, yeah?.. hmmff-" there leon goes, harping you again. you were so loud but it wasn't even your fault, not when he was pistoning his cock into you and paying no hesitation to his pace. you were simply too sweet for him not to please. "sweetheart, hold onto me.." he mutters.

he was pushing every squeak and cute little wail out of his pathetic student, rutting his tip into that spot. "n-nnghh- aah!~" you were running low on words.

"yeah?- mhmm...ffuck, right here? huh?" the feeling of him thrusting against that spongy part more and more sent your mind further into autopilot. you were past squirming around and pushing him away, you just had to take it.. and take it.. and you were doing so good ♡.

"l-leoonn.. m-mm!- fffeels t-too good-" you babbled, mind stuffy with the pleasurably-shameful feeling of being gorged with your professor's thick girth. he shuddered at the way you uttered his name so adoringly. to leon you were so dirty but so, so cute. he had you puddled into tears beneath him while he fucked into your cute little hole with fervor. he just wanted to stuff you full, make you his, adore you forever.

he whined softly into your shoulder. you kept clenching down on him and it made him impossible to think. his phone was ringing on his bedside but he doesn't even give a shit—if anything he tried to drown it out by thrusting into you faster, to which made him lament into your skin. he even adjusted your hips up impossibly further.

"l-leeonn, n-no..— n-no more, please!!-" you blabbered adorably, voice mumbly and whiny as you clawed at his shoulders or back— you didn't know anymore.

"shhh shh.." he cooed over your cries with a quiet and honeyed voice, planting a soft kiss to where he could reach on your face or head. "i know, i know, it feels so good, hm?.. just let it feel good, baby—ahh, fuck-.. uhh..." he moaned lowly into your shoulder, unable to stop the way he rutted his cock into your creamed-up cunt. you seemed to be enjoying it, so why were you complaining? leon thinks to himself smugly but he knows he can't act on his pride. after all you made him like this—submitting to his carnal urges...

you didn't wanna cum a third time, huh? silly little girl.

leon growled quietly into the crook where your neck and shoulder met. you've never heard that sound from him. he held you down, constraining you, and squished you further into his mattress. a helpless and surprised yelp lolled out your tongue as he went impossibly quicker while he cursed like he was about to break down in tears. leon was mercilessly grinding his cock into all your sensitive spots, not letting your pleas of retort contest him. "fuckfuck- u-uhhh, take it, baby, c'mon... do it f'me, it's gonna feel so good-.. ahh!-"

he couldn't even finish his sentence—just piping his cum in you roughly as if he were proving a point, growling whinily along the way. he even kept fucking you shallowly while you were a dumb, sniffling mess with no sense of self-assertion as you creamed all over his shaft uncontrollably a third time. consecutive and quiet whimpers could be heard from you while you soaked in your overstimulation, needing him desperately to reassure you again through the overbearing pleasure of being pushed past what your cunny can handle.

"poor baby." he muttered to himself breathily as he gave the last of his tired, frustrated thrusts and pulled out of you; giving you the time to breathe while he pats your hair down comfortingly. his fluttering eyes finally closed as his head found refuge in your neck, slightly limp with exhaustion as he huffed cold breaths on the wet patches of your skin.

he pulled his head away after a minute of regaining what's left of his strength. leon looked down at you with subtle puppylike eyes, like he was sorry for ever being so harsh on you; even before he fucked the shit out of you. you quietly took your handkerchief to wipe some sweat off his neck— and his cheeks went a little rosy, remembering what he did to it that day you "lost" it ♡.

seems detergent can't wash something like lust away!

[wannaeatramyeon]

Can i request for Kwak jihan dating hc or oneshot?

like the reader is just the most adorable, lovable and the cutest human to ever exist and a non-fighter. She can't kick asses and is jihan's classmate who fell in love with him from the moment she saw him and has been annoying and chasing after him ever since. Soaon he soften ups to her cause she is just adorable.

He saved her from bullies/assaulters and admitted that he cares for her and they began going out! He is really protective of her as well

And bonus point if his brothers get protective of his s/o after he introduced them and maybe the grandpa too, maybe he gets threats from them often as well? Who knows.

Thank you for your precious time and effort writer-nim❣️

–🐇

Thanks for the ask 🐇! Fun fact, I'm actually super allergic to rabbits irl. And I feel so pathetic cos they ARE SO CUTE

Anyway, I have a confession to make. I didn't actually care for the Kwaks too much until ch440. Jichang is cool, but I was just too hyped with Allied and the fight scenes lol sorry don't come at me 😭😭 slight change with my HC and I... I don't know what the below is lol so sorry in advance

Kwak Jihan X Reader: Strangers to Lovers hc

Moving to this podunk town really pissed Jihan off. There was nothing to do, nothing to keep his interest

Jibeom already did all the dirty work to capture the area

Why work harder when you can work smarter. After defeating Jibeom, Jihan became No.1 in no time at all

So yep, this place is boring as shit. Until he met you

You're pretty cute but above all else, annoying. He figures for some reason, you've taken him under your wing as the new kid at school and now he can't get any peace

You follow him like a shadow, making sure he's ok with settling in, with classes and lunch. You expressed your worry over Jihan's lack of friends but he was unconcerned

The first and only time you attempted to see what he was doing after class without asking, you saw him and his brother bathing in questionable tubs of snakes and herbs, all scarred and frankly covered in blood.

You screamed and gave him some distance after that

You're good and straight laced. And maybe a little naive too. You don't get mixed up with that sort of stuff no matter how much you found yourself drawn to Jihan

And he definitely didn't need the aggro of dealing with you

But the days just felt a bit lonelier for him, the silence a little too loud until one day he saw some guys harassing you outside of school

No hesitation, Jihan saves you by beating them up. He's not one for words, he prefers action

You definitely prefer words though, and after seeing how shaken you are by the whole ordeal, he apologises for scaring you and promises to be a little bit calmer around you

True to his word, he was a little nicer

Over time, things between you began to change. Jihan seeks you out as much as you seek him out

You still teased him for his obnoxious manspreading, and he just called you annoying

Everytime you nagged him about schoolwork, he would ruffle your hair

Whenever you moaned about him being conceited, he would flick your forehead

Imagine then, your surprise when Jihan invites you to properly meet his brothers and Jichang and Jibeom refer to you as his girlfriend

Jihan doesn't refute them. You just sit there with your eyes wide trying to process what they said

When it's finally the two of you on your own, you needed to set the story straight

"Why did your brother's call me your girlfriend?"

"Do you not want to be?"

That wasn't the response you expected, but you see the sly grin on his face. He likes to take the path of least resistance and this was no exception

Why makes things harder for himself?

"I... I guess I wouldn't mind being your girlfriend,"

"Thought so"

You're beet red, but Jihan is unruffled as ever

"Fuck why are you so cute," he pulls you close, and gives you another flick on the forehead

[takami-takami]

More venting, sowry. Actually embarassing to be doing this with this pfp, bye. Interact (like button) if you read.

Trauma, grief, sui threats, animal harm, abuse (not going to label it. Just assume it's in there). This is kinda long. It's honestly just a trauma dump but I'm just tired of holding it inside. Anyways.

Hiiiiii i'm so fucking stressed ^-^ Re: the situation with my dadddd. ^-^

Uragh. There was a huge argument last night. It's very harrowing living in this house. One day, you spend 2 hours talking someone through "dude this is literally wrong" and they're just... Chipper. Smiling into the phone, "uh, yeah. I know? Why do you think I did it?"

They detail to you exactly how much they want another person to hurt, to suffer, over a slight against them. Over "disrespect." You spend careful effort not to tell them how their actions made the other person cry, in case they find sick satisfaction in that. You listen to them detail the way they feel absolutely no remorse because they are incapable of such remorse. They only cry when recounting their own pain. They never cry for another. When another person cries that's sport, that's "games."

And a few days later, he's smiling asking you how you're doing. And everyone else is "trying" with him. I don't blame them, it's self protection.

Honestly. I think part of the problem here is that I'm just describing This week. Instead of a lifetime. You know?

Because I've sat through my dad telling me how people are pawns. Faceless. I've watched him boast with glee about how manipulative he is, how he wears the title "master manipulator" with pride. How he's the smartest person, how he's above everyone else. Don't mistake this as praise for him. In one of the hundreds of times he's talked to me about this he got six times seven wrong.

But anyways. I've seen how his face morphs into a smile slowly, crawling up his face as he gets me upset.

I'll give an example. One of the many times he basically tried to kill himself in front of us or said he was going to, he explained that the reason why is because he's personally experienced grief, and that's why he chose to do it as a punishment. Specifically so that we could feel the overwhelming experience of pain and anguish. He likes that kind of shit. Makes him feel all vindicated, ya know?

But he provides for us, cuz he cares about us or whatever. I mean, we're "extensions of him and he owns us" and all, if I'm being cynical; but he definitely is capable of love. At least, love the emotion, not the action. The problem lies in that he is physically incapable of feeling empathy, remorse, or guilt. Not having empathy itself is fine, by the way, like tons of people don't have empathy and are perfectly chill people but the problem lies in that he really doesn't have that "off" switch to stop him from doing sadistic things. It's a really bad combination.

I mean I guess there's fear. Of god, of being a bad person, of being like his father. I honestly don't know what's holding him together at this point.

It's just... A lot. Dealing with someone like this as your dad. But things are "better" now. Right? He just terrorizes mom now. He just picks fights now. It's not like "before." When he threatened to slice my pet rabbit up. When he threatened to [redacted] me. When he did something to me I don't want to talk about that I read is actually a war crime. Torture. You know? Stuff like that.

I feel... So much disgust in my body. I feel so much rage and shame. I don't even know why I'm posting this. But anyways.

It'd be an insult to call this "my story" or whatevs because it's nothing like that. I'm just... Tired. I thought I'd be happier not talking about what happened but I'm not. I probably won't feel any happier saying this either. But who knows.

I haven't been able to do my schoolwork. I'm supposed to get it done by tomorrow. I have to leave wednesday for my trip. Haven't done shit all day.

[annoyingvoidzombie]

Heartstopper 2x01 Family:

Oh shit, parent teacher meet.. everyone is being well students but Charlie is very much "distracted" with other things (Nick Nick Nick)

Loving seeing papa Spring speaks Spanish

You Need To Start Focusing On Your Schoolwork Charlie baby

The Spring's are very not Nick's favourite fans now days

I Love Nellie Nelson

David, so if we'll wait long enough, Nick's going to look sorta like this "rockstar trash"?

Nick isn't comfortable with him and it's shown, how dare you take his Nintendo?

Nothing like drumming to not do your school work huh Charlie?

Obviously, texting your bf is always fun.. "the universe is pulling us apart" well, not in this life time it won't

Running together to Paris with Nellie, now that's a dream we can share my Narlie friends ❤️

Sharing is caring 😔

Imogen and Ben? Now that's seems kind of toxic, don't play with my baby's heart please

P-R-O-M-!

Elle x Tao is not even a slow burn, just burns

I remember taking those damn GCSE's and it was very dreadful

Holding eachother through a pen

Ben is hopelessly in love with Charlie

David kinda trying be a big bro but no, he has his intentions .. and know he knows about "Charlie"

Why in hell dose Charlie needs your approval men? Why?

This hug is everything, I know it's like only few days since last they hugged or saw eachother but my poor gay heart

Jumper, he gave him his jumper, it's basically like giving him an organ

Nellie is so pretty and they play so beautifully and its all your world now, no wonder you want to capture it Nicky boy

They kiss and the world spins once more and wow, they've learned to get in sync which is perfect

Paradise indeed

Wow Elle, you look beautiful ❤️

Elle new friends group seems fun and she's very fitting as always, perfect

Tao's mum is an Elle x Tao shipper, I call it like I see it

Imogen is so very bubbly sometimes wow but don't hurt her Nick! Although you're just trying to protect her

Oh shit, Math, I Felt the very same when I took it

Charlie comes by, that won't end well but the hug and small lift up is so cute

Elle's mum also a shipper "Your Boy" you know it mama

Tao pushing forward but Elle just pull backwards.. it hurts seeing them as that when you knoww but they don't know

Narlie and Nellie cuddles

Since when nice cup of tea makes you an old man?

David, you bitch, stay away from Charlie, he's the sweetest cinnamon roll you'll meet so fuck off!

Oh snap, Nick is out once more but not the way he would like

Fuck off David! Fuck off

You're upsetting Nellie and that's the line! Stop it!

Charlie.. it's not your fault

No Paris?? Noooo

Charlie ED is showing and I feel triggered as shit but deep breaths, I'm okay

At least they'll always have eachother texting

Wowww that's a nice body here Nick, thank you rugby !

He recorded to him.. it's new and it's so very from the heart

It's not easy to come out and we all know that

Tao is so worried for his heart and upset and he doesn't know why.. that so hard

Mama Xu is the best!

Oh Tao baby, finally, the REALISATION! now .. what you gonna do about it??

[lucifersimp333]

MC the College Student

Scenario: Between juggling the schoolwork at RAD, the antics the brothers drag you through, the weird experiments Solomon has you perform with him, and setting time to bake with Luke and Barb, you somehow squeeze time to do you schoolwork in the human world. Diavolo made it possible for you to own a laptop hooked to a special wifi so you can complete your human assignments. He doesn't want you falling behind when you return to the human world.

You sit on top of your bed, stressed out at the assignment your professor gave you. You're burnt out from all the schoolwork given, rubbing your face in defeat. Your favorite demon walks in the room and see's the burden on your face.

NOT PROOFREAD

LuciferXmc, MammonXmc, SatanXmc

Lucifer

~ Originally came in your room to ask questions about Mammon's recent antics but stopped in his tracks seeing your eyes glassy from stress.

~ "Is something bothering you, MC? Are you doing your schoolwork from the human realm?" He stands before you, peering over the screen to see what the assignment is. You explain the class your taking and how its needed for your degree. You then explain that your professor is super strict when it comes to grading assignments and that this subject isn't your strong suit.

~ He sits next to you on your bed and lets out a sigh. He puts on his old man glasses that were tucked away in his coat pocket and holds out his hands. "Give it here." he says in a stern voice.

~ Proceeds to read the rubric for your assignment and closes the laptop. He stands up and tucks the laptop under his arm. " I'll have it done by tomorrow." he says to your surprise. "Lucifer, you don't ha-" you try to say, but he raises one hand in the air to cut you off and says " I don't want to hear it. I wouldn't normally do your work for you, as this is an important subject to learn, but you have a lot on your plate right now. I want you to study for your potion making class instead."

~ "Th-thank you" you say, without saying a word he walks out and closes the door behind him.

~ Like he promised your assignment was finished and turned in, earning an A. You tell him the grade that was earned on this assignment and thank him once again. " You're welcome, MC. Please don't tell the others. I don't want them thinking I will be doing their work for them. This stays between you and me"

Mammon

~ Barges in your room like usual and sees you pulling your hair from stress. " Human, you good? Whatcha doin'?" He flops next to you on your bed and looks over your shoulder at the screen. " The fuck is that?"

~ You explain it's your human world schoolwork and you've been freaking out over this insanely hard assignment. "Damn, that blows. I would help ya, but I ain't got a clue what the shits about." he says as he lays down on your bed, arms behind his head. "Want a distraction?"

~ He isn't the best at helping with schoolwork, but he's great at giving you a distraction to ease the stress. He takes the laptop off your lap and tosses it on the bed, grabs your wrist " Ya coming with me!" he says as he pulls you out the door. " I think you're stressin' too hard. When I'm stressed, I like to go have a lil' fun!".

~ He brings you to his car, puts the top down and you guys cruise the streets of devildom blasting music and singing with each other. He lets you pick the songs the whole entire time, enjoying your company.

~ After your drive around Devildom you're back in your room. With a clear head and the much needed time to relax, you're able to complete your assignment. You show Mammon your grade and he grows the biggest smile " Hells yeah!! I told ya! Spending time with The Great Mammon always ends with somethin' good!" he proclaims as he gives you a high-five.

Satan

~ Comes in the room after a polite knock to give you the book you asked if you can borrow the other day. " Are you alright, MC?" he asks, resting the book on your nightstand. You explain to him that your human world school work has been stressing you out and how you struggle with this specific subject.

~ "Hmmmmm." he places a his thumb on his chin and thinks for a moment. " If I recall correctly, I may have a book on this subject, I think it may help you. Give me one moment.". He leaves the room and comes back about 15 minuets later. With a book in hand, he sits down next to you and opens it up. With his slender fingers dancing across the pages, he finds something that will help you with your assignment and reads it to you.

~ He stays with you as you type out your assignment, reading to you certain pages in the book he thinks you may find helpful for your task.

~ When you show him your passing grade, he gives you a closed mouth smile" I'm glad to hear that, MC. I knew you could do it. If you need help with schoolwork, whether Devildom or Human world I'm always willing to help."

~ Whenever you tell him what your assignments are about, he'll look through his endless library to find books to help you succeed.

[fangirlisms13]

I wanna buy you pretty little things and never ever lie to you !

Anika Kayoko x reader

Summary : y/n has the biggest crush on Anika, but doesn't know if she likes her back!! it all spills out <3

Warning : slight homophobia and fluff tons and tons and tons of fluff

a/n: howdy from the dead

It's been forever since I last hung out with Anika and the group. Not because I didn't want to just because all of my school work was piling up.

Anika bursts through my door as im studying me, not being able to hear her through my headphones. " y/nnnnn!!! Y/N!!! " I jump at the sound of her yelling and my voice tense " Holy shit Anika you scared the fuck out of me!!!" She giggles " sorrryyt but I miss you and want you to come with me to the party !!" I look at her confused " what? What party ani?" She rolls her eyes. " y/n, it's THE Halloween party, and you neeeeeeedd to come with me ! " I glance at her then the pile of schoolwork in front of me.

I sigh. " Okay, I'll go, but only for a little bit, ani." She squeals." YES YES YES !!!" We need to dress you up as something hot!! " I give her an uncomfortable glance " uhm what about something cute not hot, we're going to a frat party. " she glances at me with a puzzling look then drops it saying " okay! "

As she's getting me dressed into a cute college version of strawberry shortcake! And she dresses as blueberry muffin ! Her dress was adorable, and so was she. " I'm sorry," I say randomly. She gives me a puzzled look and then says, " I don't know what you are saying, sorry for but nothing, it's nothing!!" She smiles, and I let out a relived breath as we walk out the door.

I wish I'd had a chance to walk with you to parties

You would wear a dress, and I would say, "I'm sorry"

For something, don't know what it'd be

But you'd say, "Nothing, it's nothing"

And smile at me

we're hanging out around the party as I watch Anika fixing her hair while Mindy talks about the fact that she finds it weird how everyone can be here after what happened last year. I rearrange myself to become more comfortable. " well Mindy if you're like me, then you just want to leave things in the past, but however, it is slightly uncomfortable." Anika stops what she was doing and grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze. " Hey, does anyone want a drink ? I'm going to go grab one ! " Anika gets up after finishing that sentence , I get up with her hands connected." Hey, I'll go with you ! " As we giggle together and dance around as we get into the kitchen.

" oh my god, we should totally have a cermony?" Anika let's out slightly tipsy and giggling. I look at her with a huge smile " Okay fine but what for?" She sits and think for a bit. " I don't know buttt we need to go outside for it !!! " She says as she grabs my hand and drags it outside.

I wanna sit around and watch you do your hair

Talk it all into the ground

Have a ceremony there

For something, don't know what it'd be

But it'd become nothing, it's nothing

And you'd smile at me

" Hey ani, can I tell you something?" I say as we get comfortable on the grass outside next to a tree. Her head in my lap and as I stroke her hair. She looks up. " Of course, hon !" she says all smiley! I look at her with admiration. " Okay, I've been thinking about how to say this, but I like you really, really like you, and it's just like. I wanna buy you pretty little things and never ever lie yo you ever. Okay, enough rambling, but do you want to go see boygenius together?!" She gets up from my lap.

" Oh my god, I'm so sorry it's okay if you don't want to -" I say as I get cut off from her kissing me. I tense up at first, then melt into it. She breaks from it first. " Me too, everything that you said. Also, I would be dumb to say no to boygenius !! " I laugh and just hold her in my arms after.

I wanna be

I wanna buy you

Pretty little things

And never ever lie to you

Watch you get dressed

And compliment your taste

I'd be better armed

If you agreed to take it <3

A/n: I MIGHT HAVE A GF??? so basically, on the last day of school, she asked me to see boygenius with her, and I said yes. Later that day, she dropped by my house two bracelets and a paper ring ( Taylor Swift ) because earlier that day, I gave her two bracelets! Then, the day after, she dropped off her PHOEBE BRIDGERS SWEATSHIRT FOR ME because she wanted me to have one 🤭 !!! And we've been texting ever since, and now we're hanging out this weekend and next weekend to see boygenius !!!

[songmingisthighs]

Cache

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ch. lxviii - kyungmin

wooyoung × reader, ??? × reader

buy me coffee ?

in a school filled with the affluent, it would only make sense for birds of a feather to flock. but what if your new status doesn't immediately buy you a way into said flock? what if instead, it bought you sure rejection? to the rich and powerful, having different masks is a must. despite some people knowing your true self and your secrets

Just as you were about to leave the house, you paused and just stood still. It'll be the first time you stepped back into Wooyoung's house after the... debacle. You were tempted to cancel or offer to give Kyungmin your notes but you don't think you'd be okay making the poor kid disappointed. Wooyoung might be an asshat in disguise or... asshat in public and a sweetheart in disguise? However it is, Kyungmin is and always has been the sweetest little boy who adores you and that made you feel special. I mean, is there any other 7-year-old who happily inquire about your interests despite being scared shitless of the visuals in on the screen?

So you suck your unwillingness to risk meeting Wooyoung for Kyungmin. You can do this, you can be selfless. That boy has been like a little brother to you and what kind of a shit sibling would you be if you bailed for petty reasons?

"What the fuck are you doing by the door?"

Speaking of shit sibling.

You turned around with a fake smile on your face. Mingyu stood a bit further away from you with a bag of potato chips in one arm as his hand scoop up chips to his mouth. He was munching away as he stared at you with an eyebrow raised, "You're loitering and ruining the scenery," he spat. You inhaled deeply and exhaled sharply, not really wanting to waste your breath in dealing with your troglodyte of a brother but you had to.

"Don't worry Mingyu, I was just about to go because unlike you, I can keep up with my appointments," you simply said before turning back around to wear your shoes. Mingyu rolled his eyes at your jab, annoyed, "One of these days, you're gonna have an appointment for a lobotomy or something," he scoffed, fully intending to sound mean. After putting your shoes on, you took a moment to look at Mingyu one last time, "You do know that lobotomies have been banned since the 1950s, right? And how psychopathic are you that you wish for an ice pick to be jabbed into my frontal lobe?" you honestly could and couldn't believe Mingyu. But at that point, you don't know what else you could do to deal with him.

With that, you left the house, not even waiting for Mingyu to answer you. Maybe you should consider going out with your friends more just to escape the toxicity in your household.

Just as you walked out of your front gate, you saw Wooyoung approaching you with frantic steps. Initially, you thought that he was going to confront you about something or have you deal with him for some other things you might not think of. You were about to ask him what he was doing when he cut you off, "Kyungmin's missing, I can't find him," he said and you were able to see that his eyes were teary and you heard his voice cracking. He was genuinely distressed. "Wha- how? I was just about to go to your house to help Kyungmin with his schoolwork," you explained. Wooyoung shook his head frantically, "I- I don't know, I tried looking for him in the bathroom or in his room or literally anywhere else in the house and he wasn't there. I asked the chauffeur and he said Kyungmin was picked up and dropped to the house, the CCTV confirmed it. a- a- and-" you grabbed Wooyoung by his shoulders to stop him from ranting more, "Wooyoung, breathe," you firmly told him. Though mouth still agape. Wooyoung nodded and slowly tried to calmly take deep breaths.

It didn't take long before Wooyoung relaxed and stopped panicking. "Okay," you started talking, "You checked the CCTV and saw that Kyungmin was DEFINITELY picked up from school and is supposed to be in the house but even after looking around, he wasn't there," Wooyoung nodded along, confirming your words. "Okay, so then we'll look around here, okay? I'll go check the playground and you go check your friends' house. Maybe he went there to borrow something or to play," you reasoned.

Thankfully, Wooyoung agreed almost immediately and you both set off to your own ways to look for Kyungmin. While Wooyoung go to Seonghwa's house first as it was the closest house to his, you jogged to the playground in the cul de sac. It was empty, but considering that Kyungmin is small, you believe that it's possible that Kyungmin hid under a slide or in the tubes or even in the playhouse.

"Kyungmin! Kyungmin-ah!" you called out as you ducked to look under the playhouse. "Come on, Kyungmin, we need to go home to work on your presentation! I told you I'll help, didn't I?" you spoke out loud as you continued looking into the playhouse. "Kyungmin?" you called out as you look behind and even up in the trees around the playground. High and low you tried looking for the little boy, but you couldn't even get a glimpse of his hair anywhere. After fifteen minutes of looking in the playground and not seeing anything, you decided to look elsewhere.

As you jogged back to the houses, you saw Wooyoung jogging back to you too, face still worried. "None of them is home, I asked the housekeepers, gardeners, anyone in their home at the moment but no one saw him anywhere," Wooyoung said as he ran a hand through his hair out of frustration.

Both of you were confused. It wasn't like Kyungmin to just disappear like that. It was odd that he wouldn't tell Wooyoung. Both of them are so close, they tell each other everything no matter how bad it is.

"Are you sure Kyungmin didn't tell you anything?" you asked, thinking that Wooyoung might have been preoccupied with something when Kyungmin said something to him. "No, no, no, it's not possible," he said exasperatedly as he roughly ran a hand through his hair, "He has been so excited about spending time with you again, he has been since last week. He even asked to get picked up from school earlier. He told me that he wanted to make sure he has everything ready so he'll have time to spend with you outside of doing his schoolwork. He missed you so bad," he exhaled shakily.

Wooyoung remembered the joyous glint in Kyungmin's eyes when he remembered that he was going to hang out with you again. It had been a while since you hung out with him in his house and it was all because of your falling out with Wooyoung. Ever since you got closer to your new friends, your attendance to the Jung family dinner had decreased and even stopped. Wooyoung's parents and even older brother would still see you around the complex and even at business events. You don't think they knew about what happened to you and Wooyoung because if they do, they would have said something to you and your parents would have scolded the hell out of you. Out of the five Jung family members, Kyungmin was the only one who you most rarely see which was why hanging out with you again was so important to him. Of course, Wooyoung had to remind him that after that, there were no guarantees that you'd stay long. Wooyoung felt the need to brace Kyungmin with reality before it caught him by surprise.

You looked down at your phone as you thought you could call one of your friends for help because both you and Wooyoung could really use some help. Unfortunately, your phone was only at 3% and it could die soon. "Shit," you cursed under your breath, catching Wooyoung's attention. You showed your phone at him, "I gotta get my phone charged, I have a portable charger in my room, I'll be right back, okay?" Wooyoung nodded and you immediately run back to your house.

Inside, Mingyu was watching the TV loudly in the living room while drinking beer. It was typical of him but you're annoyed at how unresponsive he is to his surroundings. You ran up to your room and when you opened your door, you were so surprised to see Kyungmin on your bed, his iPad in his hands as he sat cross-legged.

"Oh my god, Kyungmin!" you called out as you dashed to your bed, pulling the little boy into your arms into a tight hug. Kyungmin blinked in confusion, you saw that he didn't know why you were acting like that when you pulled away to look at him. "I've been looking everywhere for you! Me and your brother!" you grabbed his face as you felt your racing heart slow down, "Why didn't you tell him where you're going? Or call me and tell me you wanna come here instead?" but Kyungmin simply shrugged. "How did you get in here anyways?" you asked, genuinely curious. Kyungmin pointed to the door and shrugged, "I just got in from the front door, Mingyu hyung opened it for me," of course he did. Your brother couldn't be bothered to do anything useful when you need him, why should you expect him to be useful for this as well?

You bit your bottom lip, now knowing what to say to the boy as he seemed reluctant to say anything. "Okay, come on, we need to get to your brother," you said after grabbing your portable charger, you held your hand out for him to take and he immediately did so.

Once you stepped out of your house (with Mingyu completely oblivious to the activities), you saw Wooyoung still pacing worriedly in front of your front gate. "Wooyoung," you called out as you walked closer to him with Kyungmin holding your hand with one of his as the other one held his iPad. Hearing his name, Wooyoung snapped his head in your direction and his eyes immediately widened at the sight of his little brother walking so casually next to you. "Kyungmin!" Wooyoung exclaimed loudly in surprise. He was so relieved that his knees almost buckled under him. Once out of the gates, Wooyoung kneeled and grabbed Kyungmin by his shoulders, "What happened? Where did you go to? Do you know how much I was worried?? I thought you had gone missing! What were you thinking?" he couldn't help but scold Kyungmin.

Kyungmin's face scrunched and he turned to look at you as he began to cry, "I don't want (y/n) to leave me because Wooyoung hyung and his friends are not playing fair," he sobbed as he shook Wooyoung's grip o of him and went to hug your legs, weeping sadly.

Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion at his sudden statement. "Kyungmin, what are you talking about?" you asked as you gently run a hand through the boy's hair. Kyungmin shook his head and sniffled, "I- I- I can make Woo- Wooyoung hyung play fair, I'll talk to him! I don't want you to not play with me anymore," Kyungmin wailed sadly.

Not knowing what to do, you looked up to Wooyoung and saw him staring at you both with a conflicted look on his face. You wanted to ask him what Kyungmin meant but with the situation at hand, you knew that it was no time to ask things. You got a crying kid and a stressed-out guy out in the open. So you took matters into your own hand, "Let's... Let's talk about this in your house, okay? We still have to do your schoolwork, right?" you smiled down at Kyungmin who had looked up at you. He nodded his head as he wipe the tears away from his eyes with the back of his hand.

The three of you walked to Wooyoung's house with you holding one of Kyungmin's hand and Wooyoung holding his other hand, the iPad in his free hand.

Whilst walking, your mind still tried to comprehend what Kyungmin meant by 'playing fair'. It felt so odd that he would say such a thing. What kind of thing would Wooyoung and his friends not play fair in that it affected Kyungmin this much?

You need answers.

As you walked by, you noticed Yeonjun taking off his motorcycle helmet, looking at the three of you. He raised an eyebrow as if asking what you were doing with Wooyoung, but you simply held a hand up lowly to let him know that you'll talk about it later.

And a thought occurred to you.

Maybe Yeonjun know.

taglist :

@rdiamond2727 @miaatiny @baguette-atiny @kpopnightingale @dear-dreamie @potaeto-writes-on-wp @kwanisms @qghosty @charreddonuts @noonaishere @bbymatz @maddiebabyxoxo @kawennote09 @woo-stars @treasure-1117 @starjoongie1117 @cutie-wooyo @linhyyboo12 @kodzukein @dreamlesswonder86 @glitterhongjoong @kitty4hwa @ateezourstars @starlight-channie @jo-hwaberry @yla-aira @hyuckilstan @phenomenalgirl9 @flamingi @gxlden-bxbyy @kirooz @leagreenly @memorymonster @purenjuniverse @meowmeowminnie @star1117-archives @ilsedingsx @kkayfan @ckline35 @jaxavance @yoongiigolden @jayeonnature @hwanchaesong @rubberduckieyourtheone @forapollosol @multihoe-net @jwnghyuns @moon-gyus

[viridiave]

A little love post to HORROR JRPGs

Content Warning:

So I'm gonna be talking a lot about some pre-Undertale era RPG Maker Horror games, and this post is gonna contain both spoilers and the discussion of the following:

Blood and Gore

Psychological horror

Child abuse

Sexual assault

Suicide

Violence

Fictional minors being put into very messed up situations, because that's just the kinds of games these are

Other upsetting themes

Hetalia (because I can imagine that all of us have very complex feelings about this fucking franchise. It existing feels like it needs a warning)

This post is a nostalgia trip and exists purely because uh. I have literally no one else to talk to about these games, and please just click away if any of the above makes you uncomfortable in any way. Some of this stuff can't exactly be handwaved as just being products of their time.

I'll draw smthn real quick later just to make up for it I promise

I'm like days late to Halloween but I just wanted to write this after getting a bout of nostalgia lmao

I absolutely fucking love Horror JRPGs - the freeware ones, even though I haven't touched one in a LONG time. I'm talking about the pre-Undertale era freeware games by the way, and in the first place I don't think I can consider Undertale a horror game but that's a topic for another day. OneShot also doesn't count aksjak OneShot gives me existential dread and a nonzero amount of guilt sure, but never terror

But let's dial that back a bit.

To begin with. 'Vir, you're a fucking coward, you run upstairs when you see that someone on TV has a gun. You can't stand watching horror movies. How the FUCK did this happen'

Weirdly, you can thank Hetalia for that. Specifically, the freeware Hetalia fangames that used to circulate on DeviantArt - that shit led me down this rabbit hole. And I guess it made sense, most Hetalia fangames are a coin toss between a horror game and a fantasy JRPG with countries getting isekai'd. I also played the fuck out of those.

For a bit of background, I love video games, but neither me nor my family ever really had that much spending power to buy game consoles, so my selection was pretty limited. Before I turned 18, I remember that we owned a GameBoy, a GameBoy Advance, a PSP, and one of those Fun-Sized Nintendo consoles with built-in games. We never bought cartridges either. I got my first DS from my dad on my birthday when I turned 18, and that's all the consoles that my family has ever owned. Still kinda jealous of my friends who have Switches, but eh - one day.

I just played a lot of Harvest Moon growing up, that's been my object of interest in my elementary days. The most of a horror game that I've been exposed to was watching my friends play Five Nights At Freddy's back in 5th grade.

Then high school happened, and I got new friends and shit - and was introduced to both more conventional horror games and Hetalia. Which is. A really weird combination when I think about it now, but everyone who was alive and kicking around in the early 2010's would know what HetaOni is, and you can see how that slope led to me playing freeware horror games. I'll always be grateful to these games, seeing as I never had easy access to mainstream experiences growing up.

I think I played HetaOni exactly once, on my first laptop. I played most Hetalia fangames exactly once, but they all just stayed on my old hard drive. None of them really had anything interesting going on gameplay-wise, I mean it's RPGMaker and these were people who just really wanted to make Hetalia fangames, but I remember some of them just sticking with me. I'd play them while I was away on trips to my grandmother's house, then watch let's plays on YouTube when I wasn't otherwise occupied with schoolwork. Really when I say Let's Plays I only mean KyoKoon64's - and that's how I was actually introduced to horror JRPGs.

CLOÉ'S REQUIEM

There's been a couple of times where they played some of the more recognizable horror JRPGs on their channel, but the first one I REALLY saw a playthrough on was one called Cloé's Requiem. I don't know what exactly it was about this specific game that stuck with me, and at the time I didn't know that this had like. More warnings than you would usually find on a horror JRPG. Calling it now, please look up said warnings before you try ANYTHING with this game - I can't promise quality and nuance, but I can promise great moments. Those moments stuck with me to this day, SOMEHOW, even after encountering games with better story and gameplay experiences… it's about a cursed 12 year-old boy trying to free a cursed 13 year-old girl, never getting a shot at the normal life he wanted and playing the violin because he can't do much else.

I think this game changed my life. Not in like, any grand manner mind you - but I feel like it's the game that best represented this time of my life as a weird high school outsider who obsesses over games that nobody's ever heard about. I was introduced to a lot of things through this game, it's just this whole volley of firsts that I wouldn't trade for anything else. Baby's first horror game, first jumpscare I ever consented to, first taste of games containing disturbing themes of sexual assault and gore, first trips to Pixiv and NicoNicoDouga - just all the fucking firsts. I wouldn't call it a great game, but it IS important to me.

When I think about it now, it's a game about curses. Michel D'Alembert is a talented violinist at 12, and his alcoholic father milks the shit out of this talent because they're not exactly what you would call well-off. His twin brother Pierre is a pianist, is nowhere near as talented as his brother, and hides his misery over this situation under a big-little brother façade. Cloé Ardennes is a pianist too, she's wealthy, talented, and still plays with her stuffed animals. She is cursed with an insane father who rapes her, and a mother who hates her. Charlotte is a young maid with nothing and tries her best, only to be killed because she happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Unsurprisingly things fall apart for everybody very quickly.

Pierre's frustrations with his spoiled, lazy brother boiled over, and he curses Michel out in a heated moment. This drives Michel to murder their Charlotte by accident, and she becomes his curse - he runs out of the house, kills cats, and finds himself in the dilapidated mansion that Cloé inhabits. Cloé by this point is already dead, and so is her dad, her parents, and the maids. Cloé's father may be her curse but she is the curse of this mansion, and it transforms into something hostile until Michel comes along and saves her from the shadow of her father. Michel plays her a requiem, and resolves to go home to confront his crimes - and back to Pierre, who regrets everything he's done. Watching the sun rise with a disappearing Cloé in the True Ending will likely be the last peaceful moment he will ever have in his life.

That's like. Not everything that happens in this game, but this post is already so goddamn long and I still have a lot of other stuff I want to talk about. But the gist of it to me nowadays is that these children are cursed with loveless lives and the whims of the adults that have power over them. In the end, their lives are all ruined. Cloé and Charlotte are dead, and we have no idea what becomes of Michel and Pierre when word gets out that Michel killed a maid and assaulted several others in the house in a fit of emotional instability. In every other ending, Michel is killed and Cloé remains an evil spirit, so really this is the best that anyone ever gets out of this experience.

I remember watching a playthrough of Con Amore on YouTube, but I understood none of it because it was in Japanese, and the game itself was untranslated at the time. It follows the cats Noir and Blanc and basically serves as an addendum to the base game - honestly it made me feel sorry for Charlotte, who was nowhere near as psychotic as Michel thought she was. There's also light novels, but international shipping is expensive and I don't know Japanese so. I'll just never figure out what happens to everyone after the game ends I guess

One of these days, I'll buy the remake on Steam - which exists, and I can't say I recommend it if everything I just listed bothers you in any way. But I can't shake the attachment I feel towards this game no matter how many years it's been, nor how uncomfortable its themes are, so you know - maybe one day. I'll go back to it.

IB

So - following that, I got pretty curious about the other games in this genre of freeware horror. Ib is the one that everyone knows the best, both Markiplier and Pewdiepie played it so you KNOW it gets press, but even in Japan this game was a hell of a hit. To me, it's a simple game that I can finish in an hour, but man what an hour it can be.

If you were to play this game right now after seeing how much press it gets (which I think you should, it's on the Switch now! Go get it!), you MIGHT be a little disappointed. It's nowhere near as gory or disturbing as Cloe's Requiem for one and you know - a bunch of blood and guts and ghosts on the walls does not a good horror game make, but make your choices accordingly. Nah - instead this game's staying power lies in its atmosphere. Like how many games can you say take place inside of an art gallery where most of the pieces try to fucking murder you? I mean there's probably a lot, but something about Ib's almost ambient sense of dread and exploration just kind of sticks in people's brains. Everything's a little scarier when the shapes are so close to being discernable but aren't, and I guess that's the appeal and horror behind Guertena's gallery.

Ib herself is a mute protagonist, pretty typical, but she's also NINE, and the game will let you know that no matter how unfazed she gets or how precocious she can be, she is a child all the same - and children break very easily. I personally love how the game barely has to say anything about how shaken she actually is about her situation, because it will show you how - she has nightmares that you can't escape, she sees herself getting hanged, Garry will need to shake her out of her shock when she sees a picture of her parents in the gallery that should not exist. She loses all of her will to live when she loses Garry to insanity. And speaking of Garry…

There's one standout room in this game and it's the Doll Room. 10/10 would NOT recommend it to anyone who suffers from anxiety because WOW I did not think the RPG Maker 2000 engine could ever have been capable of that. Nobody blames Garry if this room fucks him up. I mean come on the dude has to literally rip open the stomachs of dolls to find a paint ball. Those sound effects make it sound like the dolls are made of skin and flesh and all the while the giant fucking doll is creeping out of the goddamn painting while some of the most anxiety-inducing background noise is playing -

Yeah no I don't know why I ever said you'd be disappointed by this game. Or maybe you still would, this is a low-res game made in 2012. But my god does it TRY to scare you in the best ways it can.

One of the best moments in this game I think is the one where Mary and Ib are alone together, and the conversation gets increasingly unhinged with Mary asking Ib questions non-stop with no background noise other than their steps. At this point, they're separated from Garry, and they're trying to find a way back to each other. Garry meanwhile is slowly piecing together the truth about Mary and how dangerous it is for Ib to remain alone with her, all the while still trying to figure out how to get back to both of them.

The section after that is in the Sketchbook which honestly? The vibes of this place are impeccable. Somehow it's fitting that one of the tensest areas in a game about a fine arts gallery is the place made entirely out of childlike scribbles.

Overall, I'd say the experience is well worth an hour or two - I'd recommend it happily over Cloé's Requiem, if only so you can have a taste of what Horror JRPGs were like before Omori came along. Yes I know that Omori isn't Japanese but it's very much in the same vein as these games.

OTHER GAMES

Those were the safe two that planted my feet firmly into the Horror JRPG fandom, but there's a lot of other titles out there, so let's go - lightning round!

Ao Oni is the ubiquitous one, like chances are you've at least HEARD of it in passing at some point in your life. Like this shit made it to the big screen in Japan, that's how much of a deal it was. I've never played the original myself, but it's partly because its formula of stuck in a mansion with a horror that chases you around is present in pretty much every Horror JRPG after its release in 2007. If you want some classic fun with the big blue demon though then you can't go wrong with the freeware version.

Mad Father and The Witch's House are part of what I like to call the Big 3 of JRPGs starring preteen girls experiencing the Horrors™, mostly because back in the mid-2010's I couldn't go three posts without seeing them all together. Mad Father is the only other one of said Big 3 that I've touched, because I was too coward to touch The Witch's House and Ellen's whole deal remains a mystery to me to this day. I think Mad Father got a remake a couple of years ago, so you can check that out if you want, but keep in mind that these two games in particular might not stoke the same kind of magical staying power that Ib somehow retained years after its release, and I know those two rely on jumpscares a lot more than Ib does.

I'll eat my fedora right here by the way, because one of my cardinal sins of being a Horror JRPG fan is that I've never played Yume Nikki. As far as these freeware games go, this is probably one of the more avant-garde ones - it's artsy, atmospheric, and a game best experienced by getting lost in the strange environments it provides. Out of every game on this post, this is the one I'd describe as the most Earthbound-esque, with its horror lying mostly in the surrealist ambience of just… wandering around in Madotsuki's mind. The end is just as quiet as the beginning, but is no less chilling to watch happen. Then you fuck around a little bit on Youtube and you find out what's actually going on, and uh - yeah that checks out, cosmic horror sounds par for the course at this point.

Yume Nikki and OFF are two of the games I think of when I hear about Horror JRPGs being talked about alongside Undertale - and nope, I haven't played OFF either. That's my other Horror JRPG sin. I was a picky teenager, but I've grown now and wow I need to find a time to play these games in peace. OFF actually isn't even Japanese, it was developed by Mortis Ghost and released in French back in 2008, making both pretty old and already pretty weird in the library. The reason I bring up OFF is because it's one of the older examples I know of that also incorporate Earthbound's precision 4th-wall breaks, and that it's a game about judgment and interrogates the player (more you than the Batter you play as, serving more as a vehicle that the game uses to ask questions through) about the choices they make in the game. OneShot is probably the one game in this genre of indie RPG that I know so far that employs this metaphysical idea of the player existing in the game in any kind of charitable fashion (aside from again, Earthbound and to some extent Mother 3), so between it, OFF, and Undertale they're what I'd refer to as the Interface Screw-RPG Trio.

Some other titles that I like are between the same devs, even some that I haven't really played to completion. Cloé's Requiem for example was made by Buriki Clock, and they've made other titles like Fantasy Maiden's Off Hideout and Trauma Traum - the latter I can't play because it doesn't have an English translation rip. Miwashiba is another dev which I think people who have a taste for light lolita goth-pastel colors would like, because my god the character designs in both Alice Mare and LiEat are peak. Don't even get me started on the fashion of 1BitHeart because everything in that game has such an impeccable aesthetic. I think I saw something at one point about 1BitHeart that like. Might count as a shared joke between Xenoblade fans, but I'd be hard-pressed to give context because again… packed schedule, who dis?

Just to talk about Alice Mare a little more, I've actually played this one - it sports a heavily storybook-inspired cast with some unique tastes on the tales. Most of my actual experiences with Alice Mare were from the English Light Novel, which I do still have! I really recommend it to people who have a couple of hours to spare on some light, relatively bloodless horror. Most of these games have Light Novels, come to think of it - hell Ib even has whole audio dramas, one of which was fanmade in English, and from what I remember of it the voice acting for Mary was PEAK.

One last dev I want to talk about is Segawa. I've saved them for last because their brand of horror is reserved mainly for one game, but their other games Farethere City and Tower of Hanoi are no slouches either. I don't know much about Tower of Hanoi (or if it even has an English translation right now), but Farethere City is a pretty cute experience as far as pseudo-horror games go from what I've heard, which is probably good for us because their other standout game is anything but cute.

END ROLL

Ah, End Roll. The last of the Horror JRPGs I've played before school kicked me even harder in the shins and I had barely any time for it. Out of all the games I mentioned on this list, this is the one with the most staying power in my brain - and also the one that influenced me the most.

So, I don't talk a lot about my original works. Nobody asks, so I don't overshare. But some of the prevalent overarching themes of my personal mythos are those of guilt, self-love, and the burdens of love. All of these themes were lifted directly from End Roll - which is to say, End Roll actually only deals in guilt, my brain just ran buckwild with trying to wrap itself around the logistics behind InfoRuss. One of my main protagonists, Rosso, is a dead-ringer expy of Russell - the same goes for Blanco with the Informant. One of the only ways I can describe Rosso and Blanco's relationship is 'selfcest as a metaphor for the painful coexistence of self-love and self-loathing', and how this relationship reached this point was largely thanks to the Informant and his role in Russell's dream.

I don't really know why I've come to associate the idea of self-love with guilt, because that's like. Not what the game is trying to do. The game's express purpose is to tell you the story of a boy who comes to love his victims and self-destructs under the crushing guilt that he carries from killing them. By some weird hand, I've fixated on the Informant and his determination in seeing that mission of the game through - AND his secret boss fight. Actually, I should. Go ahead and describe the build-up to his secret boss fight

You can only access it if you've purchased the optional villa, and if I recall correctly you can only fight him on the last day of the dream. The locked shed next to the villa is revealed to be a library of some kind called the Graveyard of Books and like - sure enough, there's books of every kind just torn apart and scattered about everywhere. The reason for all of this is because of the Informant's jealousy. He is created specifically so he can provide Russell with the necessary information to complete the Happy Dream Experiment, and in this regard he thinks Russell doesn't need anyone other source of information than him. So he does away with the useless other books, except for the strategy guides because that's the only kind of book Russell likes - and thus, the only kind of book that the Informant likes. Notes are scattered in the hallway leading up into his boss room, with the last one sticking out in my mind to this day:

'He thinks he's the most important thing to you.'

Which. I don't know why that line is so important to me. Whether it be because it awakened something weird in me, or because I myself was dealing with my self-loathing in a VERY complicated manner at the time, that line has gone on to dictate the way that I write about my characters even to this day.

It's such a visceral depiction of self-inflicted brutality. Russell Seager is a 14 year-old serial killer who grew up loveless and abused, and has no shortage of things that make every waking moment of his life fucked up. He killed people - some who just happened to be wherever he was at the time, some willingly by his hand - could not feel guilt about any of it, and when he lost Yumi to his drunken father while his nymphomaniac mother watched he snapped and killed both his tormentors. He then turned himself in to the police, a teen on death row. Happy Dream is him discovering guilt through dream versions of the people he killed. Happy Dream is what allows him to manifest the newfound emotions he felt through interacting with the kinds of people that his victims COULD have been. The world he creates morphs into the self-inflicted hell that is his guilt.

Russell has no happy ending, his guilt won't allow him that. Everything around him becomes a reminder of the lives he's destroyed, and how much of a living hell his own life was. Through feeling happiness and love from these fabricated visages of the people he killed, he learned guilt. It's such a weird exercise in sympathy, knowing that you're playing as this remorseless kid going through rehabilitation through extreme means. It either doesn't work, and he's deemed a failure - or it does, and he commits suicide either by confessing his crimes to one of his victims and stabbing himself to death with a syringe, or he stays in the deteriorating dream, never to wake up again.

At some point it honestly just turns into misery porn, if you look at it from a certain angle - this game is set on having Russell die no matter what. I couldn't tell you what EXACTLY it is about this experience was so impactful that it would go on to influence the way I want to spend my life - that is, I want to make games exploring these kinds of themes. Guilt. Sins. If loveless lives can be redeemed and made better. By the time the last day in the game rolls around, it's just a matter of giving Russell closure over his miserable life and choosing for him what his last freedom is going to be.

I think one of the reasons I like thinking about the Informant with regards to Russell is the scene that happens if you choose to go through with the first True Ending. Russell never really much liked the Informant, and the feeling is mutual. Russell is cold to him, and the Informant takes every opportunity he can to rub all of Russell's sins in his face - and that's his job, he represents the fundamental, uncomfortable truths of Happy Dream. If Russell chooses not to leave the dream, he is resigned to its destruction and waits for the inevitable along with the other denizens of Nameless Town. But if Russell chooses to get out of the dream, the Informant returns to Russell in tears, happy that he can finally be back to being a part of him - to this game, it's the ultimate acceptance. Russell then goes on to confess his crimes and the reality of the dream to one of the citizens, and he wakes up when they kill him in tearful retribution by his request.

He grabs the syringe next to his bed, and stabs himself to death, unable to handle the guilt. That's how the game always ends for me. The Informant succeeded, Happy Dream succeeded - and Russell chose to die as person who could finally feel remorse.

It's a regretful story with themes that really shouldn't be replicated in any fashion in real life, but somehow I found it fascinating in the way it explores the facets of the self. It makes me want to ask more questions and explore that angle of self-reflection to the furthest extremes that I can conceivably reach, and I guess that's one of the many reasons why I respect it so much.

SO… WHAT NOW.

Nah, that's kind of it. Like, OF COURSE this isn't all I have to say about the games that I mentioned, but wow this post is so long and I was just pining for the days of a couple of years ago. These games were present for the most transformative years of my life, and uh - whether or not that was actually a good thing remains to be seen, but I'll always be grateful for their presence in the void that I call my gaming experiences.

Horror JRPGs will always have a special place in my heart for how they tell their stories. Nowadays, I've developed more of a taste for fantastical RPGs that prefer to hide their horror in the margins of the narrative, fridging the terror for when the player wants to step back a bit and think about the implications of certain events in the greater world. Undertale, OneShot, and the Octopath Traveler games all tick that box for me - and all of those games are ones I hold dear. Like I'll probably ramble about OneShot some other day, because that's the other game that really changed my life in a way I felt like I can never come back from - but there's just a lot of special things to be said about these neat little self-contained, 6-hour freeware games. For now I'll close this long-ass post out. Happy late Halloween I guess - the M&Ms in our fridge have never tasted better.

[greetings-humans]

this has already been said a million times but ig some people never got the memo so here I am.

when a fic updates and it's been a while (be that a month, a semester, a year, multiple years, a fucking decade or maybe several of those) YOU DON'T SUDDENLY GET A FREE PASS TO BE AN ASSHOLE TO THE AUTHOR

some things for your consideration:

the fic author is not paid for this creative effort and also needs to spend time actually supporting themselves financial

the fic author is not a robot that cranks out creative material. breaks are needed, sometimes people leave fandoms and come back much later. it is human and it is natural. some people can't completely obsess over one single fic consistently and also write stuff for it, and thus cannot consistently give you chapters. sometimes, "consistently" also means not as soon as you'd like. please find your brain from the lost and found and realize that if someone is updating and has not abandoned their fic, that is an absolute win and definitely not a given

the fic author is a human being that just so might wanna engage in hobbies and relationships (platonic and/or romantic), which takes time

you should keep in mind that it takes a lot of fucking brainpower to have an idea, like the idea, decide to write the idea, find the time to write the idea, find the inspiration to continue said idea, ACTUALLY FUCKING WRITE THE IDEA, and find it in yourself to publish it

you are entitled to nothing. actually, since I'm a nice, empathetic person, I'll ammend that. the only thing you might be entitled to is an edit at the tags saying 'fyi next chapter is gonna take a while'. you deserve no explanation. I deserve no explanation. if the author comes back after years to update I will go to the comments and tell them how surprised and happy I am and then talk about the fic. be a bit more like that please

if you don't like the updating frequency, consider DOING IT YOUR FUCKING SELF (and talking about it with the fic author if you got inspired by said fic, and definitely giving credit).

if you don't like the updating frequency, consider NOT READING OR COMMENTING ON THE FIC or just maybe READING A DIFFERENT FIC (don't like don't read is always in effect babes, this is fanfiction, if i started saying shit under every fic with a premise that made me grimace I'd have made so many people and myself so upset)

this is not one of those cases where you can make it other people's problem. the author has every right to take as much time as they fucking want. I don't see you writing this exact fic in their exact circumstances, so kindly shut up

okay, for real, though. you can't know. the author could be going through anything, including but not limited to childbirth, divorce, grief, mental health issues, physical health issues, schoolwork (not everyone is an academic genius samantha, let people take their time), friendship/romance drama. they could also, fyi, just wanna take a break. nothing wrong with that. it's actually the recommended course of action to avoid burnout in case you hadn't heard. literally who do you think you are to take an issue with that? their fucking publisher? do you have a deadline to meet harold? is your pay based on this? what was that? no? okay cool then shut it.

how fucking dare you complain about how fast a literal human being with an entire life outside of fanfiction can write literally so many words about something new.

btw this is what inspired all of this

one of my favorite fics updated after... well three months maybe? and I spot this in the comment section as I go to drop my own comment. literally how dare you. do you understand how discouraging and infuriating it is to see some random person say this about your brainchild?? im glad you're liking the fic berryl but if you have an issue with the time between updates, keep it to yourself, read another fic, or write your own fic.

[toss-a-coin-to-your-stan-account]

maybe it's bc I just got out of the shower and have the Post Shower Motivation Boost but like. sometimes the best things someone can do to improve their day-to-day life isn't like the Big Monumental Lifestyle Changes and "buy this 20-step self help book/guided journal/fancy planner" (not to say I don't have my own fancy planner that I forgot to write in for a month) but more like. little changes/alternatives in daily habits that can help curb bad habits (without necessarily trying to abruptly cut them off) and making the shit you Can't Avoid more bearable where you can

If you have a habit of scrolling social media first thing in the morning and getting mad/upset/overstimulated before you even get out of bed but cutting out the Morning Scroll hasn't worked, or you need your phone on/close by and can't put it across the room to avoid morning scrolling altogether? Get an ebook (I recommend using Libby bc we love supporting public libraries) and put the app icon where your usual Morning Scroll social media usually is. chances are you'll go off of muscle memory and hit the same spot on your phone you usually do for your social media and open your ebook instead. And you'll probably either realize you were gonna get in a morning scroll loop and stop yourself and get started with your day... or you'll read your book and you still satisfy the part of your brain that Wants To Scroll while reading something less overstimulating than just post after post after post on social media

If you have work/schoolwork to do late at night and don't have time/opportunity to just go "fuck it" and do it in the morning? Sometimes it helps to get something comfy and put on music/ambience to help fit a certain Vibe while you work. Lo-fi is one of my go-tos, but putting on a dark/light academia mix with ambient noise like rain/writing sounds playing quietly in the background (this usually involves two youtube tabs) is also one of my usual choices because, while it unfortunately doesn't make my work magically done faster/due later so I can get to bed, it does help to sometimes feel like I'm a Pristine Scholar pursuing Crucial Academic Studies and not a tired college student who just wants to get their paper done and go to sleep

If you have a hard time getting up in the mornings/getting through a morning routine? If you can - if you have a long enough morning routine/a living environment where it's safe/not disruptive to do so - take some of your favorite music, or any kind of music that makes you feel a little happier/less worried or tired, and don't make it your alarm - you'll likely associate it with having to get up and start to dislike it - but make it the music to which you set your morning routine. (Use earbuds if you're worried about waking roommates/family.) It won't make the morning come any later/give you more time to sleep, but in my experience, this made me look forward to getting to carry out my morning routine and thus... look forward more to the mornings themselves

And... yeah. It wont fix everything but sometimes just changing habits here and there can be really helpful

[unicorns-are-scary]

sort of a shitty prompt but shaunanat on the night of the party in ep1s1. maybe natalie feels bad after shauna defended her and she didn’t stick up for shauna when she and tai were fighting so nat tries to worm her way back into shauna’s good books by spending time with her and she asks for a ride home and they fuck in shauna’s car. nat’s world is fucking rocked and she’s whipped on shauna but shauna wants to keep it a secret and nat will do anything for her (if you were into doing a series i would be so so so so grateful) but if not, even a sentence will do

knee deep in the passenger seat (is it casual now?)

wc: 1k

not nsfw really, pretty much just a little making out

a/n: sorry its been a bit!! high holidays + schoolwork are def making writing hard rn! thank you sm for the prompt tho <3 i havent written a ton for yj yet so sorry if anything seems ooc, im still trying to figure out how to write them! 

i super want to make this a series if anyone has any prompts or hc about secret relationship shaunanat!!

Nat prided herself on her walls. The way she built everything up carefully so the constant remarks and insults slated at her could never make their way through. She could give less of a shit about what Tai said, none of it was anything new. What got to Nat, though, was Shauna thinking she needed defending. 

"Oh, fuck off, Shauna. I don't need you to defend me." she snapped back without a second thought because, seriously, who the fuck did Shauna think she was. There was really no other time to react before Jackie whisked them all away in an attempt to fix their deeply fucked up intrapersonal relationships before nationals. It was because of Jackie's brilliant idea that Nat was now face to face with an annoyed-looking Shauna Shipman, who clearly would rather be speaking to anyone else out of the group. They stand there wordless until Jackie pulls Shauna away for one reason or another, and Nat is left staring at the two. 

The night continues, and Nat is unsure why she can't get Shauna off her mind. It bothers her, in a way she hasn't really been bothered before, that Shauna keeps sending glares across the fire. This wasn't typical Scatorccio, and Nat knew that. Where the fuck were her walls right now? She hid her sulking pretty well by hiding in a corner with Kevyn until she watched Shauna frown into Jackie's back as they hugged goodbye, and Jackie took off with Jeff. If there was a time for her to silence the ache she had to make things up to Shauna, this was it. 

"Hey, Shipman," Nat said as she approached the girl, hoping that if she ignored what had happened earlier, Shauna would forgive her. And if Shauna forgave her, she would never have to think about the stupid pang in her stomach again. Shauna doesn't give a verbal response, instead opting to look up from her drink and wait for whatever else Nat has to say. 

"Tough night, huh?" Nat chuckles with her words, hoping to lighten the tension between them and failing. The space between them lulls for a moment before Shauna finally decides to end her silence. "What do you want?" she says. It's evident in her voice that she's trying to be venomous, but her voice quivers too much for it to give the effect she wants. "

"Look, I'm sorry for snapping at you." she flinches a little at her own words, not sure if she really wants to be saying them, but keeps going, "You were just trying to defend me, and it was cool of you." Shauna nods along to the apology before asking, "Anything else?" 

Maybe it was how small Shauna looked, or just her brown eyes holding Nat's so firmly, but Nat gave out an unexpected "Yes, actually." She wasn't quite sure what she was saying, and before she knew it, "Could you give me a ride home?" Another long silence preceded a quiet "Sure."

It was a quiet walk to the car, which Shauna had parked quite a bit away from where the party had happened. As Nat reached for the passenger seat door, a hand with neatly painted purple nails beat her, too. "Ladies first," Shauna let out awkwardly. Nat let out a small laugh and tipped her head in thanks. 

"I didn't take you for a nerd, Shipman," Nat said as Shauna loaded herself into the driver's seat. "What, the all AP schedule didn't clue you in," she retorted. "I mean, you're just so brooding, and I didn't know the two could go hand in hand," Nat chuckled back. Shauna just rolled her eyes and started the car with a laugh. 

Against her better judgment and every instinct, Nat asked if Shauna wanted to talk about it. The other girls' hesitation was obvious, and Nat wasn't offended. They rarely spoke during practice, let alone outside of it. But something about Shauna was enamoring Nat tonight, and she just couldn't fight it. 

"It's just Jackie being Jackie. I mean first, she drags me to a party I don't want to go to, gets me ready in a way acceptable to her, and then dips with Jeff because he wants to 'show her something,'" She takes a breath in an attempt to calm herself, it doesn't work, "it really shouldn't get to me anymore, right? Like I should be used to it by now, I know-" 

"You shouldn't." the sound of Nat's voice surprises the both of them. "Sorry, it's just that you shouldn't have to get used to it. You deserve better." She says and turns out the window. Shauna nods, the force of which tugs the stray tears in her eyes down her face. 

After a few seconds of silence, Nat finds herself putting her hand atop Shauna's that lays on the center console and squeezes. Shauna takes her eyes off the road for a moment to find Nat's and then pulls over onto the next empty road she can find. 

It's awkward at first but sweet. Shauna was on top of Nat in the passenger seat, kissing until their bodies demanded them to breathe. It wasn't until Shauna accidentally hit the lever to push the seat back that they considered doing anything more. 

Shauna made the first advance, disconnecting her mouth from Nat's to take off her shirt, an idea Nat gladly agreed to and repeated on Shauna. Then, Shauna was all over. Down her sharp chin collar bones until she reached her first destination. "Can I?" Shauna asked, motioning her head towards the girls' breasts. Nat made no verbal response, only able to nod emphatically at the idea. 

The drive after that was very still. Both girls too scared to break the deafening silence of the car. In the last stretch of the drive, Nat made her last impulse statement of the night. 

"I had a nice time tonight, with you," she swallows, "and if you were ever up for it again, just, y'know, give me a call. Or something"

"Yeah. I'd like that."

"Cool" 

The two connect hands over the center console, and silence claims its place in the car again, but this time, it's a comfortable one. 

Before getting out of the car, Nat tugs Shauna in for a chaste kiss before holding an imaginary hat brim and tipping her head in thanks. Shauna gives a giggle and answers with an "Anytime, M'lady."

She waits until Nat is in the door to leave, and Nat watches her take off from the window.

a/n:

writing down bad natalie scatorccio is going to become a hobby i can tell. i wanna maybe do this from shauna POV next and then maybe more chapters forward, if theres any interest in it!!

anyway thank you so much for reading!!

[friedesgreatscythe]

my sister said i'm really good at guiding and being helpful with giving her tips, correcting little mistakes about targeting/positioning, and just overall guiding her to what she needs to do in ffxiv, which is so flattering and gratifying, especially since i can't see her controller or what she's doing irl lmao i just see her in game. but apparently i'm doing well, and she's having fun, and if we don't hang out more tomorrow, then next week we'll have a sleepover, get some boba, and i can watch her go through the game.

therapy was also rough today and really demoralizing but you know what, i've just accepted that that's what my life is going to be like in sessions these days as we turn the magnifying glass and scalpel onto myself and my toxic traits. all my life--if it didn't have to do with schoolwork--i failed to meet deadlines and accomplish what i want because i've directed too much time and focus on other people's needs, not to mention all the other shit i've had to endure with physical health and mental damage, so when it comes time to do something for myself i lack any energy, or i'm too wrapped up in the pain of not having any help in return that i fall into a spiral that distracts me from doing something for me. and then that rinses and repeats and here i am, going to be 37, broke and existing by the grace of my parents and the financial stability of my stepfather, trying to get a job and somehow not able to devote myself to the fucking dream i've had my whole life, and arguably the only thing that has made this life bearable or worth the agony of it.

my life is humiliating and i hate it but i'm stuck with it, so the only way out is to climb up. because i can't dig up, stupid.

[darubyprincx]

It took me an embarrassing amount of time to realize you guys wrote one of my favorite fics on ao3

Like I didn’t make the connection between the names on the different platforms then was like “ashes au haha like that one story?” Then realized it WAS that story and that you wrote it

I wanted to let you guys know that ashes au is The Best and every chapter rips my heart apart and stitches it back together halfway (in a good way)

I love how Gem and Fwhip are Trying to get along and sometimes it’s fine and sometimes it’s tenser than rubber band about to snap and oh god it makes me think of my own siblings. And Pixl!!! He is the densest and saddest character. The day he comes to terms with the fact people will want him around is the day the world will spring back to life haha.

I cannot wait to see where the story goes next and whenever I check my bookmarks for updates I always look to ashes au first

-Starry

anon, please know that the intial response up here when we saw this went like this:

lance [clicking the askbox expecting another ask game ask]: oh shit, ray look at this ray (the main person up here who has actually physically written the vast majority of Ashes): what? lance: look at this ask ray, walking up to the front screen: yeah? oh what the fuck? oh wow. holy shit. hold on WHOA.

and then we proceeded to keysmash about it on Discord. based on our very normal reaction, one can clearly judge that we get asks of this moniker a lot and are used to it (joking)

seriously though, this ask has made our evening and probably our entire weekend due to several reasons- hold on let me make an itemized list real quick hi its ray i stole the fingers i am going insane over this. Hello. Hey.

do not worry anon i would have done the exact same thing if this wasn't our fic that we were writing. it has happened to us before on multiple occasions as well you are not alone

AAAAAAAA???? AAAAAAA?? AAAAA? AAAA! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! AGH!

if you or a loved one have experienced physical or emotional pain while reading this fic, you may be entitled to financial compensation

yeah uh. Yeah theyre siblings alright! some days they are getting along just fine and some days they are literally ready to dropkick each other into a tree

pix is layered like a French pastry. this is intentional. how have we done this so in depth and so well? don't worry about it (it's a little technique called "mild to moderate projection") (yes, we are actively going to therapy and have been going for years. do not worry)

asks like these are the literal backbone of everything we write ever. i am not kidding when i say that we have been pouring all the effort we can into writing this, partially because we refuse to fully abandon a multichapter ever, partially to distract ourself from the huge amount of schoolwork we've been subjected to lately, and partially because of the readers (including you!) that leave so much godsdamned feedback that we read when we are sad

things like this are the world to me and out of all the words we've ever written, i don't think any of them would show our gratitude enough, so we'll stick to showing that by keeping this thing going for you and everyone else who keeps up with and enjoys this fic

thank you SO MUCH for this and please subscribe to the work if you haven't already because ao3 gives you emails every time a chapter updates. we love u and we understand so so much but desperately refreshing the page will not actually make us write it any faster although i wish that was how it worked </3

we wish you a Very and a Good :] hope to see you when the next chapter drops, whenever the hell that might be!

[a-tale-never-told]

What Am I Doing?

//I have to admit something: I don't even know what I'm writing anymore. Honestly, I'm trying to write something compelling yet definitive for this story, yet I feel like I keep constantly failing to even write a single ask or chapter that can be considered good now.

//And the worst part is: I don't even know why the chapters are like this. Was it something that I was doing wrong? The writing? The dialogue? All of the above? Am I a shitty writer? I DON'T KNOW! I seriously cannot comprehend what I'm even writing about.

//I think I know the reason why the writing is like this and why the quality has taken a nosedive: It's because I haven't planned this arc out, nor the ideas for future arcs as of writing this story. Whenever I have any interesting idea for an arc or story part that I wanna write, I instantly forget it the next day once I awaken. Maybe it's because of some cognitive brain disease that I can't remember, but when I wake up, I instantly lose all of the ideas that I once possessed.

//And another issue that I encountered is that I don't even know how to write an actual conversation between these characters anymore, let alone the more complex ones. The recent asks have some of the most bland, generic, characterization I've ever seen, and aside from bringing up Harumi in one ask and mentioning All Quiet On The Western Front in another, when has there been an ask that was ever written well?

//Sure, I'm receiving a lot of anonymous asks, but what's even the point of it if the writing isn't even that good to begin with? When had any conversation in this story felt actually realistic and well written, aside from a few instances? Another issue is that I cannot write every single character at once, as it is so fucking hard. I legitimately was confused about what I was writing, if this character was Hajime, Sonia, or Mahiru.

//I never expected to handle that many characters in this blog, but when I look at the All Eyes On Me arc from ASOOT( which is incredibly well written, by the way. I recommend you check it out) and when the New Future drops a new chapter, I look at my own and think "What am I even doing? The absolute lack of uniqueness for almost the rest of the characters and iconic personality traits makes the entire thing look poorly executed sludge, in my opinion.

//I'm not trying to constantly sound negative with these posts, but thanks to the crippling depression I have, I, unfortunately, go off into absolute self-loathing rants that I'd probably forget once I woke up the next morning. I apologize if I neglected to tell you that I suffer from depression earlier, but at least I gave you an explanation as to why I break down like this, as opposed to some people thinking that I'm a whiny little asshole.

//But the biggest issue for me is that after looking at everything and how each of my posts for the story was received, I came to a realization that I don't even know what I'm writing anymore: I can't write, at least not in this state. I don't even have the confidence to write a simple ask anymore, as I don't even know what I'm writing exactly.

//Honestly, 2023 is such a shit year for me, both on the story blog front and on the personal front as well, constantly struggling to pass heavy schoolwork, having issues to deal with, and my constant depression and memory loss are hurting my ability to even give you all compelling, quality level writing, and with a mental state like this, I don't even know what I'm even saying or talking about.

//I'm pathetic, a shitty writer, and I just... want to be left alone right now, okay? I just... need a lot of time to process my thoughts. Have a good rest of the evening everyone.