#i have to remove myself from fandoms sometimes when i myself am becoming too negative

[bisexualdinahlance]

I don't disagree with the "people would have better fandom experiences if they focused on what they liked about the media/fandom rather than what they hate" because I do think some people get too caught in the negativity vortex.

BUT as someone who is a bit of a complainer (though not as much on this blog as my fandom specific blogs lol), people also have GOT to learn to tag better. Because I would enjoy my fandom a lot more if I could peruse tags - both on tumblr and ao3 - without constantly seeing the content that I hate. And that's WITH blacklisting.

Stop tagging irrelevant things for exposure or "target audience", stop tagging fics with the actor names and every nickname for a character under the sun, stop tagging other relationships or friendships that only pop up for a single line in your 5k fic. Tumblr's tagging system/sorting already sucks without people filling up the tags with shit that doesn't matter.

Like I wouldn't even think about the stuff that pisses me off with fandom nearly as much if I could actually AVOID IT. I've never been someone who has been big on blocking, especially because I forget why people piss me off so easily, but I've had to start blocking a lot more just because it's impossible to exist in fandom at times without being bombarded by the stuff you hate.

(That's not even touching on how absolutely horrid reader tags are because of how Tumblr's tag reader functions. Please use a universal "x reader" tag or something I am BEGGING you. Because right now it's just block on sight.)

Basically, despite how much Tumblr's operating system itself doesn't help, I think a lot of people on both sides of this issue would end up happier and in a better mental place if people were better at tagging.

[ravenhilarious]

sometimes I fear that Logan is becoming the Hermione of this fandom

elaboration under the cut. this will discuss the Harry Potter fandom, the sanders sides fandom, and some comparisons of my personal issues within them. there are some mentions of violence, abuse, bigotry, and death, and it is very long.

that’s what they said

disclaimer: I love Harry Potter even if jk is a bigot, I love Hermione, I love sanders sides which fortunately is not created by a bigot, I love Logan, so there’s no intended negativity about any of these

now, back to the point. I repeat: I fear that Logan is becoming the Hermione of this fandom

which should be a good thing, because I love Logan and I love Hermione. being “the Hermione” shouldn’t be seen as something negative, but the reason I'm referring to it as that is:

there was a time where Fanon Hermione basically became, for a lack of a better term, a Mary Sue (I know this term can have problematic and misogynistic elements but I couldn’t find a better way to describe it)

lots of it was based on the movie adaption’s version of her. lots of her flaws were either stripped away or justified – she became more fearless and confident, her condescending attitude towards mainly Harry and (especially) Ron was exaggerated, and, again, seemed more justified here. and of course, it didn’t help that she was played by the gorgeous Emma Watson. 

then came the fandom portrayal of her. while her movie counterpart was definitely more “perfectilized” (is that a word? now it is) than her book counterpart, she still had elements of being a teenager, and, well, a human. but on the internet, there were so many claims of her being the sole reason that Harry was alive, and that she was way out of Ron’s league, and lots of other stuff. if you’re in any way familiar with the Harry Potter fandom around... well, anywhere before like 2016, really, you probably know what I'm talking about. she was basically this “perfect does everything right keeps saying everyone the best at everything” kind of character. that was kinda annoying, both to people who didn’t care that much for Hermione as a character in the first place, and for the people who enjoyed her (more flawed and realistic) book counterpart

and don’t even get me started on the dr4m10ne shippers who claimed that “she deserves better than Ron (or Harry, or Neville, [heteronormativity was still a big thing back then] or really anyone who treated her with respect) and dr4c0 would be so much better for her!” 

and oof, the “Hermione joins the dark side” au’s where her actions were still justified by the narratives (why would a muggleborn join the people that discriminate against her lol)

during the last few years, she’s gotten some backlash because of this. more potter heads started realizing her flaws, or stopped justifying them. the shocking realization that the fan favorite was not perfect made a large part of the fandom go in the opposite direction. which I understand.

now, I am still able to enjoy the (canon) character Hermione Granger, despite the sue-ification she went through (maybe it’s the autism that helps me not to get so affected by public opinion, idk), but not everyone is that lucky. so many potter heads had gotten a very good character ruined for them, which is sad.

I don’t want the same thing to happen to Logan Sanders. 

Now, he wasn’t always one of the faves – in an early episode, he literally gets told that he’s the least popular character in the series (which does get played off as a joke, but I assume – I wasn’t in the fandom back then, so please correct me if I'm wrong – that for many fanders back then, that was very much the case) and I wouldn’t say he’s a “fan favorite” the same way that Hermione used to be. 

however, he has by now gained quite a large fanbase here on Tumblr. which is great! I, myself, really enjoy Logan, and most of his fans are really cool.

but there are some stans who, in my opinion, have started to give him The Hermione Treatment. who claim that he is the one constantly helping Thomas. who feel the need to bash some of the other sides in order to prove that Logan is the best. the main complaint being that “they ignore/silence him too much”. and yes, they definitely don’t listen to him nearly as much as they could and should. I agree with that.

what I don’t agree with is when fanders start wishing for him to “snap” at the others. I'm putting “snap” in quotation marks, because what they usually mean is just him straight up verbally abusing them, sometimes being physically violent toward them. all because they... didn’t pay enough attention to him? 

it gives me the same vibes as when Hermione’s acts of violence (I'm talking about, like, the bird attack toward Ron or the acne scars she forced on Marietta Edgecombe [another thing that got removed in the movie adaption], not the “fighting death eaters” parts) were considered “girl power” or something by the internet. 

now, I'm not saying that Logan in canon is super aggressive and violent, but he definitely has his moments – and that’s fine. a character does not have to be nice 24/7. but the fandom seems to, idk, romanticize (for lack of a better word) these moments, his outbursts of anger and violence, both the canon and Fanon ones. 

furthermore, there seems to be a double standard, in that lots of the things he’s praised for or that gets ignored about him, are the exact same things that would (or do) get criticized when other sides do it.

Patton gets flack for being controlling and guilt-tripping the others, which, yes, that is true, but Logan can also be controlling (Growing Up, Why Do We Get Out Of Bed In The Morning, arguably in Moving On too) and guilt-tripping (”not that any of you care, but I am unharmed” in Putting Others First)

Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that fanders have started seeing the less perfect aspects of morality. Even cinnamon rolls can do not so nice things at times.

Roman is considered to be too proud and condescending, and yeah, he is, he is literally Thomas’ ego. But Logan? “I know I'm smarter than everyone else”? nuff said.

Virgil gets criticized for being too aggressive, and boy is that true, but again, you can not bash one character for a trait that you praise (or even wish more of) in another character.

now, I know that there are fanders who also give Virgil a free pass for violence etc. (he was the ultimate Fan Favorite for a very long time), but they seem to be fewer today than they used to be – which is great! it’s just sad that instead of disappearing completely, this character treatment has now moved towards Logan.

(funnily enough, these certain Logan Stans tend to be less critical of Janus’ and Remus’ flaws too, which I will cover later on)

no, I do not want Logan to be flawless, just like I don’t want Hermione to be. I just wish this double standard wasn’t so common in the fandom.

unlike with Hermione, however, the narrative (and the writers) doesn’t seem to favor him over the others – the sides get a relatively equal treatment in that way. but the biggest problem with Hermione was not the writing, or even the movie adaption (though that definitely played a factor too), but rather the fandom. the fandom was the one who claimed Hermione to be some perfect goddess, talented in every way, too good for this world, etc. And I really don’t want this to happen with Logan!

another parallel I'll bring up is the “going dark” thing, more specifically, “going dark because the light is not good enough for me”. I mentioned dr4m10ne earlier, and Hermione joining the death eaters because Harry and Ron and the rest of the “good guys” weren’t good enough. not smart or talented enough. didn’t appreciate her enough. because Ron would at times make fun of her nerdiness, because they sometimes bickered. 

but for some reason, these dr4m10ne shippers and dark!Hermione Stans would gloss over the fact that Dr4c0 made fun of her heritage and that the death eaters literally fought for genocide of people like her (which, imo, is a bit more serious than “haha ur a nerd”)

similarly, it’s become common to head canon Logan “becoming a dark side”. now, I am in no way trying to imply that “the dark sides” are in any way similar to death eaters, or that Janus and Remus are anything like Dr4c0.

but there seems to be, yet again, a double standard. Patton, Roman, and Virgil ignore or silence or under appreciate Logan? oh yes, they definitely do. 

but so do Janus and Remus. I see so many au’s of Logan joining the “dark sides” because they are more likely to listen to and appreciate him, which, if we go by canon... is not true? Janus literally excluded Logan from the courtroom, and Remus has repeatedly threatened and physically harmed Logan because he didn’t like what he was saying. but people gloss over that because ????? 

I don’t really have a conclusion or anything, I just wanted to get this out

[takaraphoenix]

This may or may not be a touchy question (I guess it depends?), but how do you deal with hate with people who don't particularly like your work or the pairings you like? Because I've seen a fair amount of people stop creating content they want to make because of the backlash or hate they get simply for shipping something, so I do wonder... How do you do it? After all these years, how are you still standing, head held up high? – Much love! <3

I suppose a huge part in that is... personality? I mean, what type of person one is. Some people are very sensitive and negativity gets to them heavily.

Which, is ironic, because I am normally that type of person. I always overthink what other people may think of me and in real life I am easily deterred.

But something about the internet changes the dynamic for me.

If it’s in person? If someone looks me in the eye and criticizes the things I like? That has me fuming. But ain’t nothing more unpersonal than getting an anon and having this round fella with the sunglasses stare at you, or having a “guest” on AO3 comment something nasty.

Because they’re cowards. And the cowardice of the other party tells me that, so a certain degree, they themselves know they’re full of shit. Because if they were confident in what they’re saying, if they knew they were right with whatever they’re claiming, there’s no need to go anon. They could tell me “to my face” - as much as the internet allows that; by being logged in and starting a dialogue.

But someone who hides behind the grey round fella with the sunglasses to tell me I’m morally wrong? Makes me  genuinely laugh. Because if I were, you had no reason to hide.

(At this point, I’d like to add, since you’re on anon too, that there’s different reasons for going on anon. Sometimes, it’s shyness. But if you think yourself morally superior to someone and want to ring the bell of shame behind them, you can’t hide behind anonymity. That’s different.)

I just really can’t take people seriously who hide in the shadows of anonymity to scream at me about how wrong I am. You’d do that with confidence if you knew you were right. But they’re wrong and full of shit. Because they are.

There is no “right” or “wrong” about taste. A ship ain’t only valid for being morally upstanding, pure, canon, whatever. And a person ain’t inherently vile for shipping something that’s unleathy, or toxic, or whatever buzzword they throw around.

Which is another part. I just... absolutely can not take anyone seriously who throws buzzwords around wildly and with no foundation, because they lack any common sense.

Yeah, they’re brothers and it’s incest, what do I care, they’re also fictional characters, I ain’t telling two real life brothers to bang and get married, what’s wrong with the people who can’t tell fiction apart from reality. That’s just pitiful.

I’ve also seen the other side of that. I’ve seen antis ship the exact thing that they’re judging, insulting and harrassing other shippers for. From incest to abuse apologism to just plain toxic canon dynamics. All the things they find a justification to harrass others about, but they ship things of that kind themselves. But their ships are ““different”“ from the ones they hate.

It all boils down to taste and it boils down to a bunch of morons who can’t grasp the concept of “taste” and the fact that... you can like something without it being pure and you can dislike something without it being every shade of morally corrupt.

They bend over backward to find justifications for why the ships they dislike are inherently bad, while they also bend over backward to justify why the exact same things they judge other ships for are actually wholesome and pure in the ships they like.

And at that point, I just genuinely feel bad for those people and am terrified for them. Because I am fully aware of what I ship. I know every deprived nook and cranny of my ships. I know the exact level of toxicity of the canon dynamics. I’m just also aware that they’re fictional characters. But the moment you start reaching to justify why abuse isn’t technically abuse, that’s when it becomes worrisome. And that’s what they do, to justify their own ships.

Now, I’m not gonna lie, this isn’t an attitude I always had and it’s not something I just woke up with one day.

I’ve been in fandom for 15 years now. I’ve seen a lot and I’ve dealt with a lot. I’ve seen when shipwars were primarily reserved to the canon straight love triangles. I’ve seen it devolve into “your ship isn’t valid the gays are getting in the way of the CANON STRAIGHTS”. I’ve seen the number of canon gays grow in media and how it affected these ship wars, invalidating ships where a canon gay ship was split up. And now this shit-show of antis.

My attitude grew out of seeing and experiencing a lot. I was lucky to be “raised” in a safe fandom environment, where the fandom olds took us youngsters under their wings and guided us, taught us how to improve our writing, helped us establish connections in a community.

And that last part, that’s important. Important in dealing with hate. Maybe the most important part, really. You have to find your community. Don’t let yourself be sucked into a circle of hate. Find the people who love the same things as you - the same show, the same characters, the same ships. Form friendships, find that community of positivity.

Fandom is what you make it. Even when other people try to make it something else, try to turn it into a hateful, gross place filled with harrassment and fear and moral policing. Regardless of how hard they try; your fandom is up to you.

Find the people who bring the positivity, who will come into your fics and leave reviews of love and positivity. And weed out the bad. Block them. Block the antis in your fandom, avoid them. Sometimes, preemtively going into an anti tag and just going on a block-spree can be really helpful already. You can block anons on tumblr too! Granted, only their ID, but at one point they’re gonna run out of devices to post anon hate from.

That much to my personal attitude toward it. Now to the act of actually dealing with it.

Many adivse, rightfully so, to ignore it. AO3 allows you to delete comments. On tumlr, you can just delete an anon and not answer it. Especially when you’re the type who is affected by it, not engaging is the best solution.

Personally, I like arguing with people. Everyone who ever talked to me might have noticed that. I live for a good argument. And I’m really bad at letting something just stand. So I usually argue back. I do that, because I am very bad at keeping my mouth shut, but also because it brings me a certain amount of glee to mock their nonsense.

I do it here. I have my “Dear Anonymous Shithead” tag where I address anon bullshit and anon hate from FFNet and AO3 - because FFNet doesn’t let you answer to anons. And then I delete the original comments on my fics, because I don’t like shitstains on my fics.

I call that approach meeting them on your own terms. Because they think they are doing something grand somehow by publicly leaving their vile comments on your fics. Delete them, take their voice away. Put it somewhere else to argue their nonsense on your own terms, mock them if you want, it’s fun. Fight your battle, the way you want to fight it - and that does include just deleting them and not engaging at all; that’s not running away, that’s self-care.

Like I said, my attitude’s not always been like that. It got me before too. Way, way back - and I really do mean way back, it’s been surely over five years ago - there was a tumblr account on here that spent an unreasonable amount of time openly hating on me. It’s the reason I avoided getting a tumblr, because back then I was not in a mental state to openly engage with such a hateful place.

And it’s still a hateful place; all those anti communities here. People proudly proclaiming they’re antis in their biography. People taking screenshots of other tumblrs or artists to mock them and make fun of them. The thing that changed isn’t tumblr, it’s me. I waited to engage with this place until I was ready to engage with it. I got my tumblr account when I already had the attitude of scoffing at anon hate.

I do think that only getting actively involved in a website when you are ready for it is another important part. The thing you mention in your ask, the people who stopped creating because of anon hate. It breaks my heart, it absolutely does, and I hate losing creators to it, but I do think that if those creators made that judgment call for themselves and their own mental health because they knew they couldn’t handle the harrassment, then they did the right thing. Even if they themselves may hate it, because they want to create. But sometimes, taking a step back is the right thing to do. I do hope that they will find it in themselves to overcome this and come back stronger, but constant harrassment and bullying can have severe consequences on a person and removing yourself from that kind of environment can sometimes be a last resort that needs to be taken.

I’ll also admit that I’ve been calculating what fandom to interact with to what degree ever since I got a tumblr account and started to see just how deep the hatred goes. Some things I might have created for, but I saw just how nasty the antis in the fandom were and... it wasn’t worth the fight for me.

Percy Jackson and Shadowhunters are my loves. My ride-or-die fandoms. I can, and will, fight for them. No one will chase me out of these fandoms, regardless of what kinds of insults and bullshit they throw at me. I’ve been here years longer than most of these newbie antis and I will be here long after they moved on to other things.

New things that I don’t have attachment to, I will weight if my level of interest in the thing will be worth engaging with the fandom nonsense with. Sometimes, it’s not, sometimes I make the judgment call for myself to step a way from a thing.

I admit, that happend with Teen Wolf too. Back when I did my last rewatch and enthusiastically engaged with it on here on tumblr, live posting about my rewatch and it... showed me startling, ugly sides of this fandom that I hadn’t known before, back when all my engagement had been to read fics and to write that one fic I had. That rewatch could have dragged me back into the deep end - but the brand of hate I encountered here... genuinely got to me. It really messed with my head, a lot, I’ve never been threatened before, I’ve never been insulted and constantly harrassed to such a degree. It was the first time I ever turned off anon on here, it put me into a sense of dread for just coming online for a while. I didn’t expect that, neither that it’d happen nor the extend of it or that it’d get to me like this. I still love Sterek to bits and pieces, it’ll be one of those ships I will always be attached to, but that experience with the bad side of the fandom made me recoil from getting involved with Teen Wolf again.

But in the Percy Jackson fandom? I’ve stood here for ten years now. I’ve gotten shit thrown at me about pretty much anything. I’ve also created over five hundred works for this fandom. I have received love and excitement in comments. I have received fanarts. I have received fanfiction to my fics. I’ve gotten fics dedicated to me by people who liked my work and wanted to write something nice for me. I’ve met one of my best friends and I’ve met my girlfriend in this fandom. Sure, I’ve been called names and been mocked, but I also know what I have.

I know I’m a damn good writer. I may not have much self-esteem, but what little self-esteem I have is located here, in the very thing they think they can attack. The thing is, I have no insecurities in this. This is the one area where you can’t attack me. And on top of that, I have that community of amazing people who love the same things as I do. I have the support, the friends, the shared hype. What do I care about some pitiful little fool hiding behind anonymity to whine about how wrong and gross I am? Their opinion weights nothing compared to that of the people who leave me anon love, who leave me squealy and excited comments.

To sum it all up:

Someone who has to hide behind anonymity is aware they don’t have the moral high ground.

Their definition of the “moral high ground” is so pitiful that it makes me feel bad for them.

I know the difference between fiction and reality and I pity the fools who don’t.

Find a positive fandom space for yourself and claim it.

Either delete anon hate, or meet it on your own terms.

Sometimes, I don’t. Sometimes, I lose and the hate does get to me.

You need to make the judgment call for yourself, if you can mentally handle a situation or not, and do what is best for you.

[fatebreaking-a]

Tagged by : I am a thief. ( Stolen from @starthieve​ ) Tagging : steal it from me.

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

( I will not, I will pick all my muses, how dare- I’ll leave everything except this blog + my other Sona blog out, for length’s sake.) long post, so it’s under the cut.

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom?  YES-ish / NO. ( people who like her like her, and people who don’t... really don’t. )

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

Are they underrated?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO / MAYBE ?

Were they relevant for the main character?  YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO / MAYBE ?

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

How strictly do you follow canon?  — lol. I take inspiration from canon, let’s put it that way.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  Your local patron saint of lost causes, a heroic entity who has overcome betrayal and judgement to become an existence that can save the world. Also she’s tall and strong and hot and nice, what more could you want? Huh? You want more than being hugged by a 6′4″ lady??? Sona can also be in various countries, and can participate very easily in fluff, angst, and all sorts of other types of threads.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  —  Lots of angst and drama, a bit of a loner with a distant vibe. Having no etwahl and not playing music kills the interest and ‘usual interactions’ for a lot of people, and being mute & not jumping to telepathy can make threads dry and slow. Being a ‘sexy boob lady’ ( u g h ) also has painted her in a certain light - I’ll never forget that someone said that ‘ofc everyone ships with Sona, she’s the village bicycle.’ I’ve made her exceptionally strong ( almost overpowered ), and that doesn’t jive with people sometimes - shoving in all these themes that I personally like and crafting an interesting story of a divine / demonic seer witch who doesn’t know what to do with herself, is finally ‘too strong’, and finds power distasteful... The themes can be a little depressing and cold, even when she acts nice. And seeing “Even though she feels nothing, she still acts nice” in character can feel... tiring. A mute is not an easy person to write with, and I don’t shy away from trying to give the impression that ‘waiting for Sona to communicate can be tiring’ - because I want my readers and mutuals to feel the kinds of things she goes through everyday. While I try to make the blog accessible, Sona has a speech disability, and that can be tiring.

Also that she doesn’t act like a fancy noble... I don’t know. I feel like the way that I write her is very, very different to the fandom’s impression of her, and that leaves people disillusioned. “This isn’t what I expected or signed up for.” She’s just not that person... And because she doesn’t speak, a lot of prompts are off limits. I’ve also recently reset because I wanted to emphasize that she is patient, grim, and secretive while still being kind. I’ve toned down her tendency for mischief a lot, she used to be an absolute gremlin.

A lot of these things also apply to my other Sona blog ( @virtuous-dignity​ ), where she is extremely structured and self-confident and a bit of a recluse, so while she’s much much nicer, she’s also a complete hardass. It’s rough stuff, especially since I make sure to point out, “hey this Sona practices music over 8 hours every day.” “Hey this Sona finds it morally wrong to play music for small audiences.” There are certain traits that just cut ideas in the bud.

What inspired you to rp your muse?  —  I played Sona a lot in bot lane. Multiple years of sexist remarks, shitty writing, and bad characterization made me frustrated. A lot of things were left unexplained and the etwahl felt like too much of a focus that I could not answer, “who is Sona besides a musician with a fancy instrument”. She has to be someone, right? But we never get to that in the story ( nor in the apparent upcoming lore rework either... ). She has to be someone, her being a famous musician is not everything. So I forcibly tossed aside the music part, especially to also prevent accidentally being pulled into ‘your music is so pretty’ plots. Plus: I wanted to write a character with an internal conflict who was going through some things but wanted to be nice anyway - I believe in that idea a lot. And I wanted to write a character that, tbh, could ship and flirt and just... be flirty and easy going more ( hah! didn’t work out so great now! ). My first canon characters were a ‘left by the void Malz’ dealing with his sins and Ori, who I talk about below, and neither were really great for getting that flirty vibe out. I also really wanted to emphasize that... Well, to be blunt, that if I wrote Sona as sexually promiscuous, that wasn’t a bad thing. That ‘being sexy’ and ‘sex positive’ did not equal ‘objectified tiddy witch’ and ‘perfect candidate for oppai mouse pad’ and other things I’ve heard directed at me in my league experience. Many, many things. Ugh. It kind of did end up turning into a thing where Sona herself draws an interesting line between ‘haha I can tell everyone’s looking at me with those eyes and it’s the fucking worst’ and ‘ok but I trust you and am in bed with you, so I want you to grab me’ - but that’s getting more into ns/fw topics so I’ll leave it there. 

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  All my characters tend to be expressions of myself, as well as answering important thematic questions, like “What does it mean to be rejected by your home and no longer have a place”, and some other stuff. I usually go back to that. Plus, exploring concepts around abandonment and loneliness is something I do a lot with her - feelings of neglect and disillusionment, and ideas surrounding “do I need to like someone or be liked by someone to treat them with dignity”. ( virtuous-dignity, on the other hand, was created because I wanted to write something as soft and uwu as possible, and then it turned into something about ‘balancing dignity for oneself with duty to others’ and handling those kinds of conflicts. )

I also really do enjoy, on some level, turning people around on these characters. “You made me care about character x” is such high praise.

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom?  YES / NO.

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. ( idk, how many of you think robots are hot- )

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. ( I think people downplay Ori’s intelligence a lot, but Riot also casually implied she did open heart surgery on herself so??? )

Are they underrated?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO / MAYBE ?

Were they relevant for the main character?  YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO / MAYBE ?

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

How strictly do you follow canon?  — hahahahahahaha. hah. hah. Sorry. Everything I write is divergent by default.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  A genius inventor and cute spherical robot duo who speak to other robots and shoot lightning, run around acting cute, and try to save their city one step at a time - all while dealing with deep existential dread and fighting off a fate that decrees Ori’s death. Between ‘pancake bot’ and Ori being an accidental flirt, there’s plenty of variety and development here as my oldest canon muse. Not to mention that the blog ‘grows’ and ‘changes’, and in the last year, Ori has taken to dying her hair pink ( because Vi is cool is why, just don’t let her near a rifle or she’ll try to imitate Cait ). I also regularly think about / draw different hairstyles and clothing styles. Ori is very much ‘alive’, the most so out of the three muses on this blog. A human that has the memories of being a robot, trying to live on and live a good life. Also, there are bird, angel, and time themes. So many clocks. Mega clocks!

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  —  Deep angst and existential dread, because she knows her fate is to die and she’s cheated time. Themes of dysphoria and other troubling topics abound. Being stuck in time loops, thinking she’s an aberration, needing crutches because her legs stop working, etc.

Also, removing the fact that she is a robotic automaton is a bunch of the appeal of Ori. Or well, it’s what makes her character ‘interesting and unique’ to many. Without that, she is ‘yet another Zaunite’, as the thing that made her most interesting was her death and rebirth. ( Nevermind that her entire story is that she’s a selfless person but- I’m supposed  to act like she’s bad, right? )

What inspired you to rp your muse?  —  Hey remember when institute of war was a thing? And then when it wasn’t? And Ori’s lore was “died to a turret shot trying to be a champion”... and then it was up in the air for two years?

That’s why. If no one else will love her, I will. She deserves better. And then the lore became close to my lore so I rewrote everything a second time trying to stick to the themes I had.

Ori’s thematic question is, “What do you do when you don’t recognize yourself anymore? How do you get back to ‘okay’ and what do you do from there?” It’s a pretty dim question that has a lot to do with body image, but also to do with abandonment and neglect, and  just dropping out of people’s lives. I think that’s something that people can really relate to. I originally wrote her on a multi with a ‘post void Malz’, who was dealing with the trauma of being puppeted around for years and all the things he had done, trying to get back to ‘okay’ without getting killed. More below:

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  Themes as noted above, Ori is super cute, and a lot of my art & general ideas. I’ve kind of turned these three characters in borderline OCs and keep developing them as they grow... Sometimes I think the stories and concepts I’ve written have outgrown the fandom. And thinking about her, and how she would live, and what her story is... mmm.

Also, the themes I write... I think they matter. Maybe it’s not obvious to anyone but myself, but writing a character who feels dysphoria and hates their body for ‘betraying them’... is relatable. It’s not nice. It’s not simple. But it’s relatable and it matters. Ori’s theme on this blog has a lot to do with “fighting a fate that says you’re going to lose and defying expectations” as well as “coming back from something wicked and rotten in your psyche/body”. And I do write some other skin verses for her but they’re all adapted to meet that theme. ( For example, in SG, she rises to guardian after finding out she’s fated to become a dark star and fights that fight alone, because ‘hell no she’s not going to go dark’. This was 5+ years ago back when there were theories SG and DS were same universe. )

Mostly it’s writing about these themes of expectation and reality. Overprotective parent, absentee parent, dealing with trauma... All my writing is like that. It can make my characters seem overly tragic, yes, but these ideas are not so far gone that they’re completely irrelevant and beyond belief. I’m sure many people have experienced emotional exhaustion and problems with body image. Even though I do write ‘polite but ready to fight’ characters only... Well, I believe in exploring and expressing these kinds of problems. Inner conflict and all. But also fluff! Fluff is really nice! Talk to her about pancake robot.

I also really do enjoy, on some level, turning people around on these characters. “You made me care about character x” is such high praise.

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom?  YES / NO. ( post rework??? oh my god )

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. ( hard to consider ‘martial’ characters strong when Xer/ath and Syn/dra exist )

Are they underrated?  YES / NO. ( she’s a little overrated, isn’t she?  )

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO / MAYBE ?

Were they relevant for the main character?  YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO / MAYBE ?

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

How strictly do you follow canon?  — I still draw from old lore with her big four blades of doom and ‘reviving’ with the help of Raka ( though I leave it vague / easy to gloss over ). I also had a lot of ideas about music and rhythm and tradition before the update ( drums were a big thing for her, so strong percussive beats and motions reign over the more silk and ribbon dances that flow more, drawing on things like Zelos existing, Lito’s lessons & harsh behavior, and her own internalized habits of trying to calm herself ), so I draw on those a ton. For me, the progression is ‘classic’ -> ‘infiltrator / nightblade ‘ -> ‘aviator’ all as one timeline. Also wrote her as being ‘missing in action’, which makes the awaken cinematic weird. I also really try to emphasize that she’s an emotionally stunted wardog with scars and not ultra pretty, so.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  A world traveler and a wardog, you can find her anywhere, any time, ready to kick some butt and enjoy the local food. Her simmering fury is a counterpoint to her relatively muted demeanor and adventurous spirit. However you may find her, there’s a definite charm to being flown up above the clouds to watch a sunset and talk. She will fly you where you need to be.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  —  I’m a little stuck on old lore and writing Lia as a character that has “left behind” her past and is pretending to be dead does make certain interactions tough. She’s also a deeply stunted character, emotionally, and I write her ten years of experience as having chilled her to a cold, ever burning ember rather than a passionate flame. Also, ‘aviator’ is kind of weird to handle for a lot of people.

What inspired you to rp your muse?  —  This one is really simple. When this blog started, the only splash where Irelia was smiling was the aviator splash. That’s it. That as the whole reason. “I want her to be happy and have found her happiness.”

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  I will admit that Lia is the character that I give the least attention to out of these three, and part of it is because I don’t really do flirting or shipping with her as much. She’s not one to reach out to others, and there are a lot of popular Lia blogs to the point that when I, as a multi, write with someone... She probably isn’t the first pick.

But I just... want her to be happy. That’s it. As I mentioned with the Ori section, what I’ve worked out for her has kind of outgrown the fandom itself, she’s become a different entity. Her themes largely involve recovery and finding oneself anew, and writing a character that is passionate about others while still being cool-headed is some of the variety I need. Because Lia is ace/homosexual, she sits out on a lot of the flirty content, but the chances I get to write her being romantic and caring... my god. Just a few posts back and forth with @unholyshe​ ‘s Akali and a So/na I used to write with....... Unforgettable. ( On that note go follow @unholyshe​ what a good writer, gosh dang. ) It’s these small interactions I find intensely compelling, and having a ‘quiet intensity’ and really thinking about her body language...

Also it’s nice to write a character with little secret agenda, who is just straightforward. “Will I enjoy kissing you? Only one way to find out. ‘It was okay.’ “ A ‘the only way forward is through, just do it’ attitude is refreshing.

------------------

Learning to write all three characters helps me write the others: The little things I think about that are specific to each person really help me out for the others. The depth of using body language from Sona bleeds into how Lia uses body language, and how Ori doesn’t ( even common ticks ), etc etc. Ori’s blunt, observational style of speaking ( telling you that you look good like it’s an observational fact ) helps me understand how to be straightforward with Lia.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES …? / NO. ( sometimes I do get very anxious abt it, esp. since I’m so divergent and do things like ‘so/na is one part succubus lol’ )

Do you frequently write headcanons? YES / NO. ( do excerpts count? less headcanons and more musings, since I’m on like 5+ years with 2/3 of these. )

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO. ( time is not a thing but I used to write a ton, my drabble energy goes to novels now )

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day?  YES / NO. ( this is why you see mobile posts from me constantly, and so many excerpts / musings ).

Are you confident in your portrayal?   YES / NO. ( It’s what I want but it can also be disillusioning / disappointing to people so. Dunno. Anxiety. =/  )

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO. ( It takes me a bit to warm up to a character again, but yes. I know my writing is not bad but I can be a little insecure about it. )

Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO. ( Very. I cry a lot and I get upset pretty easily. Sometimes I end up being really cold instead but idk. )

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?  — To a point. Sometimes criticism is irrelevant or meaningless, or is just personal taste. “Sona shouldn’t be that strong” isn’t helpful ( but thinking about ways to pare down the complexity is good! ) Sometimes I get criticism that is the equivalent of tasting a chocolate cake and going, “It should have been vanilla, I like vanilla better.” That’s cool, but that has nothing to do with the taste of the chocolate cake I made. ( Ori as a human isn’t interesting, talk more about Sona & the etwahl even though it’s broken, Lia flying doesn’t make sense, etc - these are foundational flavors, so what can I do? ).

Also sometimes people make comments that make me feel they’re just being petty / catty and not sincere. I’ve seen quite a few hypocritical comments and it’s hard to take them seriously. So, yes, but ‘to a point’... Mostly I take suggestions, which I then talk about for the muse. Exploring those ideas. Unsolicited criticism is... hmm. In my experience, about half of it isn’t constructive. And from the wrong person, it can sound judgemental. 

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  — Of course? I love asks. Always. Great. Awesome. If I have a chance to draw to answer these asks, even better.

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  Not really. I’m divergent, they probably disagree because they have a different vision for the character. I’ll be honest here and say I’ve had enough people tell me that “my portrayals are not what they expected” that this can be... disheartening. I usually have a good reason for 80% of my hcs. If we’re talking in IMs though or just conversing, I’m totally fine with it. This comes back to unsolicited criticism - to be a little blunt, some people just straight up don’t know what they’re talking about. And given that I put a bunch of effort in trying to make sure most of my headcanons can be glossed over, so it doesn’t cause conflict and my ‘ultra grim take’ doesn’t cause the end times... I dunno. I’d rather that someone tell me “the kind of interactions they want”, so I can lean into that direction. If you just want fluff, I can leave most of my darker hcs for So/na at the door... But you need to tell me that, so I can work with you. 

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?  — just leave? huh? I mean, I already know people disagree. If you’re not rude, then we’ll just move on and be chill. Otherwise... well, we won’t be chill and you can still go, but I’ll consider you a dick. I don’t expect everyone to agree with “Ori is a human”, but why bring that up to me?

This is why a lot of the time, when people talk about characters and my muses, my brain defaults to “Well that has nothing to do with me.” Why should I invest any time being upset that people are disappointed with my portrayal or I’m not what they expected. It’s exhausting. People have some really strong opinions about Lia and Sona sometimes, but... ‘that has nothing to do with me.’ There’s no point in trying to convince someone to try your flavor of ice cream when they’ve already decided what flavor and toppings they want. It just leads to tremendous insecurity. I should not have to argue that ‘my portrayal is worth paying attention to’. 

Ugh. I might be too sensitive about this. There was a point where people really got in the habit of saying, “this is how character x is” ( not their muse ), and it felt like someone trying to enter my kitchen. It did not feel like a suggestion or an idea. It was an assertive, “this is how Irelia is” by, say... a Ry/ze or Ken/nen blog or something. That felt extremely isolating and alienating to me, because it felt like I could not participate in that conversation at all. Or stuff after. I had to sideline myself, because... that has nothing to do with me or my interpretations. Ofc griping at them is wrong because I know they mean, ‘this is how I see it’, but ye. I’m short tempered and easily upset. Working on it.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  — um? bye? hello?

god I used to go “ ok that’s cool you don’t like my portrayal, here are some other great So/na blogs that I love” but I realized that I was directing someone who felt the need to tell me my portrayal or character is bad to those people... and no. no no no. I still feel a little guilty about it, because thinking I directed a toxic person to my duplicates...  yuck.

If you don’t like the characters, or you don’t like my divergent takes, that’s fine. I get it’s not for everyone. Just unfollow me. You’re not paying me. You’re not under any obligation. To an extent, i don’t mind being critical of the character, but there’s a difference between being critical and being hateful to someone’s muse? And it depends a lot on how close I am with a person. For example, I think Sy/las is a complete scumbag and I hate him, but I don’t go yelling that to every Sy/las blog I see. C’mon.

Another bit of salt but it’s... kind of a sad topic, really. There are some characters people love to hate, whereas other ones get the ‘protection squad’. And in general it’s really disheartening to see someone shittalk Lux every two weeks, but go ‘these other champs are off limits’. If you have that attitude, it makes me think you’ll shittalk my characters the moment they get popular ( COUGHIRELIACOUGH ) and that’s kind of sad. And mean. So general advice on this is: Probably just don’t tell someone you hate their muse, you know? Idk. Everyone has their own tolerance level too so. meh.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  —  Somewhat.  Not much to say here, sometimes I am very tired, sometimes I comma splice like a madman, sometimes I overuse hyphen dashes to avoid deciding whether to use a comma, period, or semicolon - like this. I don’t need an editor. English is my first language. But if there’s something egregious or you have tips, let me know? I’m someone who looks up grammar rules regularly, and breaks teh rules just as regularly. Knowing when and how to break grammar rules is useful. Though I do tend to... overuse something once I’ve learned it. Hyphen dash, I’m looking at you.

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   — Yes and no. I’m chill, I can be a little overly passionate, and I’m pretty quick to apologize... But I have certain moral standards and if you break those, you’re done. Also I can be a vengeful bastard. I try to give as much benefit of the doubt as I can and many chances, but I’ve noticed that I really... have a sour attitude towards a lot more people than I expect. Sometimes people who are very well liked, just because they said or did something that ticked me off. Luckily, I have the special skill of not being a jerk even if I don’t like you, and overall trying to be nice to most people, so it usually won’t matter. 

Ah and I can be a little selective in who I talk to / play favorites a bit. I’m a busy person with an adult life and a stressful job, I only have so much patience. I skip from “tolerating it” to “leaving”, and that can seem like I ghosted, but that’s not always the case. Just better to leave than to pick fights. I have some pretty strict standards and harsh opinions. Short temper. Vengeful. Alas.

Somehow people think I am very nice and baby, so take that for what you will. Pft. I just want people to be happy and feel comfortable and okay. Wrong is wrong, blah blah blah ok I stop now.

That’s about it, congrats for filling out!

( If you managed to read all this, with 3 full muses... Let me know, I want to hug you??? )

[sleepyfan-blog]

Hanahaki disease prompt: “The lack of communication is the true cause of this mess. You know that right?” For Dreammare perhaps? Your works are so in depth and creative!

fandom: Undertale AU 

warnings: illness tw, magical illness, unhealthy thinking, hanahaki disease, tell me if I need to tag more

want more hanahaki au? Another fic here

word count: 4,984

summary: Dream doesn’t understand why people keep making a fuss about the flowers he coughs up. Honestly, he’s got it handled. Really.

also a thanks to @trashydragonartist7 for helping me edit this

Dream suspected that something was wrong when he activated his eye lights  and found himself not in the Doodlesphere with Ink and Blueberry,  but rather with Sci and the Gaster of his timeline staring down at him,  worried, from the cool metal table he realized that he was laying  down on. “Uhm… Hi Sci? It’s always nice to see you, but why am I here?”

“Ink and Blue came sprinting into my timeline, yelling at the top of their non-existent lungs for help. It caused a lot of stir - made worse by why. You were unconscious and still coughing up flowers. Nine orange, red, and pink roses in full bloom. Not just that but a half dozen red Aster, red and yellow Chrysthanthemums, purple hyacinth, Jasmine flowers and violets.” Sci responded, a worried frown appearing on his face as he stared at his friend and ally. “All of them were in full bloom, and lingered for ten minutes before fading away in the color of your magic. I’ve never seen anyone with a case of Flowering Death this bad who’s still conscious.”

“… Oh… That…” Stars damn it, he hadn’t wanted the others to find out about this. Dream squinted a little, and muttered, “I haven’t heard Hanahaki called that before, although I suppose that is an accurate description of what’s going on… Hahaha.” He smiles up at Sci and the Gaster, hoping to disarm them a little. “Besides, it’s not as if this can actually kill me, no matter how bad it gets, so… I’m fine. I know what I can do to… To deal with it in my own way.”

“I have performed the surgery to remove the flowers on a dozen monsters in the past.” The Gaster spoke up, his voice kind but firm. “If you are willing, I would do the same procedure for you. You are a dear friend of my son’s, and I am well aware of the good work that you do… Or you could confess to the person whom you care for, to see if they reciprocate your feelings. I can’t imagine there would be anyone who would reject you.”

Dream couldn’t help but laugh, clutching his sides and rocking back and forth, trying to keep himself calm. How could he possibly explain to them that he’d been in love with Nightmare all of their existence? That this was far from the first time that he’d been choking back full blooms - to the point where the cursed plants robbed him of consciousness as they left his body? Normally when that happened, he threw himself headlong into a fight with his other half, so that the other’s negative energy would kill the flowers that grew in his bones and sapped his magic. It’s worked before, and it will work again. “No… No I… The time to recover would be too long, I can’t do that. Also I… I don’t… No. I’m not going to tell the person who I… Who I love that I do. It’s…” Dream didn’t want to explain and he wasn’t going to.

“The lack of communication is the true cause of this mess. You know that right?” Sci countered, the frown on his face darkening further still. “It is your lingering romantic feelings for the person that cause your magic to manifest those flowers in an attempt to do something with the intensity of the emotions that you are feeling. I don’t know if the medication will work, given how far you’re along…”

The Gaster checked Dream over, and a soft gasp left his lips. “You… The damage done to your body from coughing up the flowers - it’s gone. I don’t… I don’t know how that’s possible.”

“I do…” Dream sighed, shaking his head a little. “I have the ability to heal those who are afflicted with Hanahaki - or… What did you call it? Flowering Death? My magic can undo the damage done to their bodies, their soul and their magic because I am the guardian of positivity. If you would please let me off of the table, I know a non-surgical method of destroying the flowers. It’s not permanent, but I recover much faster than I would if I had to go through the surgery.”

“… What non-surgical method?” Sci and the Gaster asked at the same time, their eye lights widening in shock and surprise.

“Nightmare’s magic destroys the flowering growths of hanahaki disease. Before he… Before he became what you know him of today he was… We were…” Dream looked away from the both of them, curling in on himself as he tried to pull himself together - to attempt to explain what was running through his mind. “Flowering Death, as you called it, was an uncommon, but not rare condition in the timeline that we both hail from. Nightmare could destroy the flowers, and I could heal the damage, and together we would talk to the person - monster or human - who was suffering from the condition. Either they would have enough time to confess to the one that they loved and would be able to date them happily, or overcome the heartbreak of being rejected without the complications of being rejected while having an active case can and often does cause.”

“Wait. Are you telling me that you’ve hidden the fact that you’ve got Flowering Death for who knows how fucking long, but that you go to Nightmare for help? That sadistic piece of shit who would string us all up and torture us all until our minds snap and we become his broken playthings?!” Sci hissed, equal parts horrified and furious about the lack of trust that Dream apparently had in them all, to go to Nightmare of all people for help.

“Of course he doesn’t. I text Ink that Nightmare’s shown up in an AU and I need help fighting him after I’ve found Nightmare wherever he is and just before I initiate a fight. By the time Ink and Blue - along with whoever else - shows up, I’ve been affected by his magic enough to destroy most of the active case, and by the time I’m either rescued by you all or Nightmare retreats, all of the blossoms are dead and I can heal myself later and cough up the dead flowers. I just wish that Nightmare favored a more direct attack, like he used to. That way I didn’t have to go searching for him, and the flowers don’t have a chance to bloom as much as they have.” Dream explained, doing his best to sound cheerful and sweet as he beams at them. There was no way he could confess his feelings to Nightmare - he hadn’t had the courage to do so before everything had changed for the worse and…

He knew that Nightmare was dating Dust, Killer, Hatchet, Cross, Error and Hearts - who had left the star sanses to better pastures about a decade ago and had never looked back. He wasn’t going to intrude on a happy relationship - not when he’d messed up so tremendously in the past.

“But-” Sci began, his eye lights shining with the worry that Dream could feel within his friend.

The Gaster cut him off before he could speak, his voice firm but kind, “Son, I… I think you’re a little too close to this to see other perspectives. May I speak with your friend alone for a couple of moments? There are some things that I’d like to talk to him about, and I can tell that the two of you are winding each other up.” The other’s emotive aura was calm but… There was an undercurrent of something that Dream couldn’t identify - not when he was exhausted and low on magic as he was.

Sci nodded and stomped off. “I’ve got to find Ink and Blue - I’ve gotten like three dozen text messages from both of them and the rest of the group. Everyone’s really worried about you. We want to help, just please… Let us in…”

Dream gave the other a non-committal hum. He was well aware of just how useful and helpful he was as a member of their team - that had been stated quite a lot, by all of them… But that… That chafed against him, sometimes. The happy go lucky mask that he was forced to wear all the time ached and he longed to take it off… But if he did, the positive guardian worried that he would find that there was nothing but despair, guilt and hopelessness left. He glanced curiously at the Gaster as soon as he couldn’t sense Sci anymore. “What is it that you’d like to ask me about, Doctor Gaster?”

“I have been around for a very long time. You have some of the most unique abilities of any Sans I have ever met… If you even are a Sans, and given certain things, it wouldn’t surprise me if you weren’t actually one- But that doesn’t matter. What does is the way that your magic reacted when you said the name Nightmare… He’s the one you’re in love with, isn’t he?” The Gaster murmured, his voice warm and coaxing. The other’s hands were behind his back and he seemed to be deliberately trying not to make himself look threatening.

“I… I don’t have to answer that.” Dream responded, a sense of panic filling him, much as he tries to suppress any negative emotion he feels.

“I won’t tell Sci or any of the others… But may I suggest that you inform this Nightmare after the blooms have been temporarily killed? At least so that you will be able to move on from those romantic feelings that you have for him after a definite rejection?” The Gaster suggested kindly.

Dream stared up at the other dead in the sockets. “He’s in love with several other people. All of them are in a happy, polyamorous relationship with one another… Given the mistakes that I made in the past, the idea of him actually loving me back are laughingly close to zero. He’s tried to kill or capture me more times than I can count. He’s actually captured and tortured me in the past. None of that matters. I have loved him since the first moment I was created, and it seems as if I will never stop loving him. If the flowering death is my punishment for the wrongs I have done him, and the… And the fact that I didn’t realize the… What had been…” Dream stopped talking, not wanting to reveal their past… And because the back of his non-existent throat tickled and he started to cough violently, flowers in vibrant colors spilled out between his teeth.

Once he stopped coughing and shuddering from the effort that it took to get rid of the flowers, he stared up at Gaster, his eye lights dull and shattered. “It… Does not matter, it seems. I have… Tried to stop loving Nightmare. Reminded myself of the many horrors he’s committed… The lives he’s destroyed and killed… It doesn’t matter. I love him. I always will. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to find Nightmare and get him to punch me in the face…” Dream slides off of the metal table and onto his unsteady feet. With an effort of will, he creates a portal “Please don’t tell Sci or any of the others about this - I don’t want them to worry. It would be selfish of me to burden them with this… I hope that I can convince them this has just been a bad dream… Haha…”

“I… I’ll keep your secret. But I would caution you against hiding this. I know that Sci cares for you very much, and I am sure that the others do as well.” The Gaster urged, wanting to reach out to Dream but hesitating.

“Yes, I’m well aware of how helpful and useful I am to all of them.” Dream responded, smiling brightly up at Gaster, “This is a personal problem - which they’ve never noticed or helped me with before, so why should I try to force a change like that? It would be terribly selfish of me to do that. See you later, Doctor Gaster!” With that he stepped through the portal, into one of the AUs that Dream knew that Hearts frequented to get his loves’ coffee and snack orders. They occasionally talked to one another in the peaceful Slice of Life AU that the positive spirit had just entered.

~

Hearts had texted him earlier that he’d be in this AU - they occasionally chatted over tea and coffee, despite the other having switched sides due to certain… Similarities that the both of them had recognized in the other. Dream just hoped that the hadn’t missed the window of opportunity he had to talk to the other.

Thankfully, the purple-clad Sans was sitting at one of the outdoor tables at their favorite coffee shop, sipping on a drink and looking fabulous as ever. The other spotted him and waved enthusiastically, greeting him happily “Darling! It’s so good to see you… Are you alright?” The other’s smile dropped as Dream felt the other Check him.

Dream’s small smile wavered a little, glancing around for a moment as he walked up to the other’s table “I… I’m feeling a little bit under the weather, but it’s nothing I haven’t dealt with before.” He knew that he needed to choose his words very carefully around Hearts - who was one of the few who could see through his mask and had learned his tells when he was lying.

Hearts frowned a little, Checking him again and pressing a cool hand to the positive spirit’s forehead “You’re burning up, darling… Here, sit down and drink this. I’ll go in and buy one of their high MP items - my treat. Don’t fuss at me, I have plenty of G to spare. You definitely need it. Drink the tea - it’s prepared just the way you like, and the lemon meringue cookies are quite delightful.”

“I… Okay…” Dream responded, not having the energy to even attempt a refusal. He sat down and failed to resist the temptation to slump over the small table as he tiredly nibbled on a couple of the light, and airy cookies - eating all but one of them while drinking the english tea - which was mid-level MP and HP restorer for an adult mortal monster - within seconds. Guilt tugged at him as he reached for the last cookie. He was so hungry and exhausted… But surely, Hearts had only been offering some of his food to be polite? He fished around in his pockets as one of the servers came over, and he ordered another dozen of the cookies - the same number that he’d eaten. He could distantly sense the server’s concern and wouldn’t let the other not take his money. He was fine thank you very much.

Hearts came back, a gloriously huge, sticky and frosting-covered cinnabunny on a plate in one hand, and a large cup of something that smelled heavenly in the other. “Here you go, darling. They wouldn’t let me purchase more than one of each of these, but they should help you even out a bit… Mind telling me why you’re so low, darling? I know for a fact that Mi Rey and the others haven’t been fighting today - I’d have joined in on the fun…”

Dream sent the other a small, fake smile as he took the food and drink, murmuring a quiet “Thank… Thank you, Hearts.” His soul ached and burned as Hearts referred to Nightmare by that affectionate pet name. While most would be utterly confused as to how the other could possibly describe the lord of all darkness as a star, Dream could easily see it. The other’s radiant presence and his dry, witty humor. His fiendishly clever jokes and teasing nature… The fact that he drew everyone in, and so many orbited around him, like planets and moons around a star… Stars above only knew that Nightmare was still the center of his multiverse, and always would be. The tickle in the back of his throat and the pain in his soul began to intensify. No, please, not in public. Not in front of Hearts Dream pleaded with his treacherous body. He reached for the large mug of “Oh! I didn’t know that they sold golden flower tea…” He remarked as he took a sip of the drink.

“Hmmm… Let me guess, Ink’s been running you ragged, again.” Hearts murmured “And they do, but it’s not something that they sell often. Don’t think that I don’t see an obvious dodge in conversational topic when I see one. If you need me to kidnap you for a couple of days, just tell me! Running around with you is so much fun.”

“… It’s something like that.” Dream admitted quietly. While he didn’t like throwing blame on Ink when, for once, the protector of the AUs wasn’t to blame for this, the soulless skeleton was an easy target - particularly as Hearts didn’t care much at all for the other. “So… So how have you been?”

“I’ve been doing great actually! Night’s been doing this thing for the past couple of years where he reaches out to the survivors of the negative timelines and negotiates with them, rather than simply just terrorizing them into submission. Funnily enough, a bit of sweet talking from that lovely silver tongue of his and they quite eagerly agree to join his ranks. Of course, it doesn’t always work, or they try to stab him, and then we fight the idiots into submission, but there’s been less murder overall. So how have things been going for you, darling?” Hearts responded brightly, grinning at the smaller skeleton as he watches the other eat and drink carefully. Dream really does look awful. “I thought that you couldn’t get sick?”

“I… I can’t catch common ailments, though there is… There are… A couple of things that can affect me. Powerful curses and the like, mostly. Immortality does have its’ downsides, after all.” Dream responded “Hahaha-ghk!” He dropped the tea he’d been about to take a sip up clapping both of his hands over his mouth as he shut his jaw tight. The positive spirit began to cough and gasp raggedly, his whole body shuddering at the force of the coughs that wracked his form. Tears formed in his eyes as he continued to cough and splutter, feeling the petals tickle the back of his throat and fill the inside of his mouth. But he couldn’t let the blooms escape - as Hearts would definitely know what was going on. The force of his coughing caused Dream to fall off of the stool he’d been sitting on, and he fell hard on one side, a soft whimper of pain leaving him.

Why was everything so dark? It took Dream a couple of moments to realize that he’d turned off his eye lights. After that moment of realization, the positive spirit turns his eye lights back on, to see Hearts hovering over him, worry in the other’s aura and on his face - a circle of curious and concerned mortal onlookers moving towards him, forming a circle. “Dreamy… Dream! Hey… What was that?” Hearts asked, his eye lights tiny pinpricks as he and a dozen other people Checked him repeatedly.

“I… I did tell you I was feeling a little bit under the weather. Don’t worry though, I know just what will fix it!” Dream responded, bringing his hands away from his mouth and wincing a little as he heard the beings around him gasp - as petals from the eight different flowers that grew within his soul and body fell from them. “… I’m fine… Really…” He smiled warmly up at Hearts and the onlookers, gently nudging away their worry and fear with his aura. The strangers dispersed.

“If you’re fine, then why haven��t you tried moving?” Hearts demanded, his voice calm and aura serene - but that was likely due to Dream’s own influence.

“Uhhh…” Dream began, trying frantically to come up with some sort of answer that wasn’t a lie nor a truth “I… Haven’t tried to yet?”

“Haven’t or can’t! You’re suffering a really bad case of the Curse of the Lovelorn! You need to be in a hospital with the best healers possible while I beat the sense into whoever the fuck you’re in love with to realize how amazing and wonderful you are, Dream!” Hearts hissed, his eye lights narrowing to slits “And stop using your magic to keep me calm. I know that’s what you’re doing. It’s a sweet thought, but I have every right to be angry. Which ones of those stupid Star Sanses is it?”

“Oh, Hearts. Whoever said I was in love with one of them?” The positive spirit responded weakly as he tried to sit up, his head spinning unpleasantly as he fell back-

Into the other’s lap? Odd, Dream had been expecting more cold pavement. It was more than he deserved, this gentle warmth under his head, the light, soothing touch against his skull. But it was nice…

“What…. What do you mean by that, Dream?” Hearts asked, his voice gentle, worried and full of concern and genuine care in a way that hurt so badly to hear.

“Hahaha… I’ve loved him for… I’ve loved him for so long, Hearts. But he’s never once looked at me. And how can I blame him? ‘M so fickle… Flitting from person to person curiously, never… Never really staying in one spot… So curious and just wanting to learn and help without realizing what it can really do once I leave… And he was so… He was so lonely and so isolated. But I didn’t notice. I didn’t see… Then he took what he needed to become strong, so that the two-faced people who I couldn’t see their darkness and cruelty for wouldn’t… Wouldn’t hurt him anymore. I suppose at first I’d just assumed that he’d always be there, and the pretty, painful flowers I coughed up didn’t matter - not when he found them pretty when I offered them as gifts, despite the fact that they’d vanish before they’d wither like normal flowers do…” Dream half-explained, half-mumbled to himself, his eye lights dull and shattered. He could barely see the other above him.

“Who are you… Wait… You’re not… You…” Hearts murmured, his eye lights widening in shock and realization, before sorrow and uncertainty filled his aura “Oh… Dream…”

“But he’s happy now. With you an’ with the others. I won’t… I’m not going to… Interfere… ‘sides to knock back the flowers… All I gotta do is fight him for about a half an hour. Let him hit me with his magic… Works every time… Stars I hate it when the flowers get this bad…” The guardian of positivity managed out. He grumbled wordlessly as the other started feeding him bits of cinnabunny and sips of golden flower tea, but he accepted them, nonetheless. “These won’t make me feel better… All it will do is feed the flowers.. But I am hungry…”

“There… There has to be a better way, Dream. This… This isn’t living.” Hearts whispered, horror and sorrow in his aura.

“Hey… S’okay. I deserve this. I let him get hurt so much for so long… ‘quivelent suffering. You can’t… You can’t tell him. I don’t know how he’ll respond and I…” Dream coughed for what felt like an eternity, dozens of flowers in vivid red, yellows and pinks - mixed with the occasional white and violet bloom - left his lips. Dream exhaustedly picked through all of them, finding nine red roses, half a dozen of the chrysthanthemums and a few of the hyacinth branches, arranging them into a bouquet and using a bit of magic to pull a napkin off of the table, gently wrapping the napkin around the stems of the vivid and softly glowing magical flowers and offering it to Hearts “Here… M’ sure the others will love them… They’re really pretty. Just don’t… Don’t say where you got them.”

“Why are… Why are you giving me these?” Hearts asked, the horror and confusion in the other’s aura rising higher still - Dream needed to calm him down or Nightmare would show up soon and he wasn’t in any state to pretend to be able to fight the other. And then Nightmare would just capture him, which wouldn’t let him have enough time with the other’s magic around him to get rid of the flowers.

“They’re pretty! Flowers are often gifts for lovers and you have several! Here, I’ll make bouquets for each of them…” Dream explained cheerfully, doing his best to make arrangements for each of his lovers, picking the flowers that were whole and completely undamaged. He made another bouquet and a half. He ran out of good flowers - but after he took several more bites of food and sips of golden flower tea, Dream coughed up more flowers, and was able to finish the third, and create a fourth and fifth bouquet, the flowers all the same, but in different amounts and in slightly different color variations. “See? Now there’s one for each of them… That way they won’t be mad ‘cause you’re late home… ‘m gonna go now. You have fun with… With your loved ones…”

“And where the hell do you think that you’re going?” Hearts asked, holding Dream down now, protectiveness entering the other’s aura - as well as further horror and more confusion “And why… Why do you… The flowers are… You… I…” The other seemed to be having some difficulties trying to explain himself.

Which was odd, because Dream knew that Hearts was very good with words. “They’re pretty! Like I said. And they make people feel good. I’ve made flower crowns with them and given them to Stars Sanses or their Papyri when they’ve felt down. They cheer right up!”

“Because these flowers are made of your magic. Made out of pos-positive magic.” Hearts whispered, his eye lights shrinking down to pinpricks.

“Uh-huh! Also if they’re placed down on injuries or on a spot where someone’s been cursed, it will heal right up, or the curse will be broken with no bad repercussions. It’s nice that even if the flowers hurt me, they’re useful for others… S’ nice…” Dream murmured quietly, a small smile on his face. He felt really dizzy, and a nap sounded really nice. He kept eating the food and drinking the tea that he was being fed, despite occasionally grumbling about it “Really… There’s no need to fuss over me like this… I’ll be okay…”

“No. You… You’re not okay, Dream. Stars above, can’t you see that?” Hearts demanded, his voice cracking a little in pain and irritation.

“I’m sorry I’m upsetting you, Hearts… But I have to look on the bright side… Otherwise I’ll start crying and feeling sorry for myself, and really, I made some mistakes and this is one of the consequences of those mista-… Oh no.” Dream murmured, feeling a shift in the emotive balance around them. He attempted to get up, grumbling as Hearts was able to force him to stay still.

“What? What is it now?” Hearts asked, tears falling from the other’s eye sockets.

“Nightmare’s here.” Dream whispered, trying and failing to get out of Hearts’ grip. He waved in Nightmare’s general direction, still not able to focus enough on his surroundings to actually see more than a couple of feet around him. “Hi Nightmare… I’m making one of your boyfriends cry… You should pro’ly smack me around or something like that in ‘venge…”

“As tempting as that is, the dark glare that Hearts is giving me says that attempting to do so would make him more upset, rather than less. What have you done to yourself? And where do you find those flowers? I’ve only ever seen them in your hands - but never so many at once.” Nightmare rumbled, his voice all deep and close, concern and love for Hearts mixing with confusion and wry amusement in the other’s aura.

Dream let out a weak giggle “That’s a seeeecret, Nightmare~! I told you then and I’ll tell you again… I’m not going to tell you.”

“Dream-” Nightmare started, irritation starting to fill his emotional aura “Kindly get off of Hearts and you will tell me where you get those flowers.”

“Hmmm…” Dream hums, stirring a little as if he actually had a choice as to whether or not he could get off of Heart’s lap. The other was actually holding his soul with blue magic, pinning him in place (which was incredibly rude) “… Nope! You’ll have to grab me yourself.”

One of Nightmare’s tentacles wrapped around his waist, and he felt himself being hoisted into the air. “You are going to answer my questions, Dream. Weak as you are, you don’t have a hope of fighting against me - and given the state you’re in, I sincerely doubt that your so-called allies have any idea where you are.” The negative being wrapped a tentacle around his neck, squeezing lightly - enough to hurt a little. “Besides, it’s not as if it’s a tactical question. Where. Do you. Get. The flowers?”

“I make them…” Dream murmured, the other’s magic starting to affect him and the blooms in his soul and body. But not enough. Not before -

The tickling, burning sensation in his throat and soul returned, and the positive guardian began to cough and splutter. His arms were pinned at his side, and his neck was held tight, so he couldn’t turn his head very far as the flowers began to fall from his mouth, the vibrant, magical blooms robbing Dream of what little strength he had. The positive guardian felt the shadows at the edges of his vision consume him, and he went limp in Nightmare’s grip.

[wackygoofball]

Can you tell us why you’re so positive? I’m having a hard time imagining any positive scenario with Jaime being dead now but I wasn’t wondering what you’re hoping for in the last episode that we can hope for

Well, my positivity comes from the very fact that no matter what, I have an awesome fandom experience. I made the most amazing friends with whom I now share connections reaching beyond the shipping material of my choice, JB. I’ve had and continue to have illuminating and interesting discussions, share in crazy theories, make fun edits and enjoy my wacky life. I never had that until I was guided to the beacon of hope of the JB fandom, and now that I am a part of it, I wouldn’t want to miss a single thing.

So I don’t really see why I would be feeling negatively? Why I would lose all hope, fall into despair, curl in on myself ino a tiny wacky ball, and never dip my toes into the JB fandom again… I can’t see it because I have those things and literally no one other than myself can take them away from me again.

It’s actually the exact opposite for me. I may have come to the fandom because of JB, but I stayed for the whole package. I stayed for the social and emotional connections I made with fellow shippers. I stayed for the debates, not just about JB but all kinds of things. I stayed for the fun and the fanfic, for the gift challenges and roundrobins, for the fanvids and latenight chats.

And so I continue to stay for my friends, I continue to stay for what we canonically have and what can otherwise be explored within the realms of fanon, fanfiction, fanart, and the like.

Because, to me, being part of the JB fandom grew to be so much more than being a fan of Jaime Lannister and Brienne of Tarth, it was becoming a part of a community I don’t want to lose ever again.

But now, I guess your question is more aimed towards what gives me hope for show *canon* turning out satisfactory for JB in any so such way, considering the current… brick odds. Since that post turned out longer than it should (it’s currently 3.00 a.m. and I should be sleeping… so please excuse additonal rambling), I will put this below the cut:

I mean… let’s go through the scenarios from worst case to best case (at least some, there are too many variants to list, really), but for the sake of the argument, let’s roll with the following selection:

1) Even if show canon now ends with Jaime having died last episode and that being the end of it, I have all the opportunity in the world to read and write fix it fanfic and theorize about those what ifs canon would then have left unexplored. So I don’t see why I would be angsting about it. I’ve been to other fandoms before, I shipped pairings I either knew would never become canon or was iffed about when they did not. However, that then leaves me with the sometimes hard but productive task of going back over my earlier theories and see where I went wrong, perhaps, in my analyses to draw the wrong conclusions, where I may have led my shipper goggles distort the source material too much. That can be a kind of painful experience, but it can also be greatly rewarding as it can help me sharpen my views for future analyses of other source materials I may come to enjoy. However, even if we stick to the in-canon expectations here. JB have made love to each other, more than once. They had a beautiful journey together and unless Bran sets it all back in time and we start over somewhere else, no one can take that away from us ever again. And that is amazing.

2) A more hopeful scenario: Jaime still stays dead but either through Tyrion or Bran we at least get the in-canon acknowledgement that Jaime *was* in love with Brienne and also went off to King’s Landing to protect her. Imagine, for instance, a scenario whereby he was being told that Brienne bears his child now. Jaime may have felt like he was a danger to that child (considering the Bronn situation) and/or may have found himself unworthy of that kind of life and may have wished to remove himself from the equation. He may even have been pushed into it by Bran in a number of ways. That would at least give us some kind of closure. It may stil hurt as hell, but the one thing that lies in the air in the narrative at present is that neither Jaime nor Tyrion, in any fashion, addressed his relationship with Brienne. Tyrion didn’t even bring it up during their conversation in the tent, which I would have fully expected as the show bothered to have Tyrion in the know about Jaime’s relationship with Brienne. Why didn’t he ask him something along the lines of “Why do you want to die with Cersei now? You had something good there with Brienne, it made you happy. Why did you just leave that behind?” But no such conversaion took place. Why? I don’t know. I remain puzzled about it. And that is where I am curious to know whether there is something else to that other than “we didn’t have the time to address that” or “we forgot/didn’t bother” storytelling-wise.

3) Jaime may still die but he is not dead as per status of episode 5. He will die of the injuries, but not until Brienne held him in her arms (”to die in the arms of the woman I love” as opposed to holding his sister in what I truly found a way of him acting like a brother to her who was trying to console a hysteric woman who knew she was close to dying and became younger and younger inside her mind the deeper they went). Still all the more tragic, still would suck ass for Brienne as she would have the Renly scenario almost exactly as before, but she held Jaime before he died. They made love before that. So this may at least be the acknowledgement that by the end of the day, Jaime and she had something true, but that circumstances kept them apart and that Jaime would have liked to stay with her in another life, if only life hadn’t made him make certain choices that led down this road.

Now we dig into the really more hopeful scenarios that suggest he is not dead. There are reasons that support this thesis (I don’t call authority to them as, per Occam’s razor, the simplest solutions are ofentimes those that hold the greatest truth). So again, I am not holding my breath for any of those options, all that is to say is that the options *exist*. That is not to fall into hopeful hyping, only to be disappointed if it does not come around, but plainly pointing out arguments that support the thesis.

Reasons that may be used in support of the hypothesis:

a) the show’s really outdone itself to stick a letter to Jaime’s back reading “dead man walking”: Brienne assumed he’d ride to KL to die with his sister, Tyrion said he’d die, Jaime said he’d die, Euron said he’s the one who killed Jaime Lannister, Cersei saw his wounds and kind of implied “you ded”, and then bricks ex machina. Like. Say it one time, foreshadowing, perhaps. Say it two times to make sure. But 4 fuckin’ times is like beating us with a stick.

b) This show has had characters survive despite greater injuries, and now I am not even pointing to Jonesus or Daenerys being fireproof in the show. Remember how Arya got stabbed repeatedly, fell into the water and bled out fast and still she did fine and later on did parkour with the Waif and killed her? Good times. Jon, even after the Julius Caesar stabbination, had it a lot of times when he he should have been dead of injuries and/or pneumonia (see Suicide Squad Beyond the Wall). Arya had buildings drop on her and fire spew at her the whole episode and she got the pale horse showing he the way out (I still hope the horse is Jaqen H’ghar). Tyrion had a ship’s mast drop on him and he did not die. List goes on and on and on. Also, Euron brought a long ice pick to a sword fight. Dude may have missed some major arteries, is all I’m saying.

c) Speaking of injuries, what was the point of having him gravely injured, for what looked and sounded like at least 1 collapsed lung and his kidneys likely looking like a pincushion? The guy still made it all the way up to the map room and then all the way down again without breaking down just once. While Cersei had a sudden unexpected surge of caring for the dude she sent an assassin after not long ago (seriously, let’s never forget that tidbit), the blood on his shirt was not as much as I would have expected from the injuries he’s received. But more to the point: Why have him so gravely injured if the upshot was, all along, he gets there, they get trapped, and then they die together. Why go through the lengths of having Jaime so greatly injured if there is no pay off for him dying of those injuries? Why is it then death by bricks? Why the overkill? I find it odd, is all.

d) There was no single verbal or otherwise recognition by either Jaime or Tyrion about the JB relationship. There was no “tell her I am sorry” or “Could you send her a raven on my behalf?” Nothing. They didn’t even mention her.

e) Jaime seemed awfully jumpy with his reasoning for being there. First he says the odds are even and Cersei may win, implying that he’d want to support Cersei against Daenerys in some way, or rather, keep damage at a minimum by trying to ensure his sister doesn’t pull anything that puts the people in danger. Then Tyrion goes on about how Daenerys will win and Cersei will die. Jaime switches back to Tyrion’s (and Brienne’s) suggestion of him wanting to die by Cersei’s side, which is contrary to his first statement. Then Tyrion points to the people. He says he doesn’t care. Which directly contradicts what he did to save the people of King’s Landing when he slew Aerys. For the sake of that argument, let’s just never forget that Jaime Lannister is one of those characters who builds on “say one thing, mean the other” many, many times. Why am I to assume that there is no hint of that in this cryptic converstaion he’s having with his brother?

f) Why does Tyrion try to get a promise out of Jaime to get Cersei and himself out of KL with the boat? Why does he make him swear? Shouldn’t pointing out the opportunity be enough to convince Jaime to go with it?

g) Others have theorized about it before, I also came back to it. There still is the BATB trope that JB have been following *a lot*. And by that I mean their trajectories were largely reliant on it. Now of course, just because characters are inspired by a trope doesn’t mean the author/writer is obligated to continue it till the very end, but it’s odd how we’ve been following almost all beats, only to stop at what would now be the fakeout death of Beast for Beast to be reborn.

h) Outside of what’s going on within the show’s narrative - NCW’s been all kinds of excited about his arc in season 8, and he’s expressed frustration before, which nearly always related to Jaime staying with his sister for longer than is necessary. This scenario, as it stands right now… does that sound like something NCW would be totally hyped about? I don’t really know. Also, the guy’s been seemingly gagged by HBO in some basement full of free T-shirts since there are no goodbye interviews as we have seen them for Conleth, Pilou and Lena. We only got a couple of instagram posts, but other than that? Am I the only one getting the “Jon Snow is totally dead, guys!” vibes? Perhaps to throw us off, but again, it is something that would support the hypothesis.

i) While we now got a MUCH darker Daenerys *ahem*, and it may well be that she will be wiped off the slate next episode, but that’s another topic… isn’t it AWFULLY neat how that basically removed “all the bad guys” from the narrative? Gregor dead, Euron dead, Qyburn dead, Cersei dead (furthermore, look at all the other baddies we put in the ground, and even those with redemption like Theon are now biting the dust). And then we have Jaime. A character who’s been hated by most for what he did to Bran and for the incesting, a character who continued to be hated by many parts of the viewership based on that, no matter the deeds he did thereafter. The point being, it seems awfully convenient if all the “good guys” lived and all the “bad guys” of varying degrees were to die. GRRM aimed for that bit of dramatic fantasy realism where we have morally gray characters, some grayer than others. Odd enough that this would leave much of the so-perceived morally more or less sound members of the clan right where they are. If I were writing such a thing, I’d keep some of those ambivalent characters, if only to show that the good vs. bad dichotomy does not hold in the real world and that in the real world, sometimes, do not only good guys die but also not-always-good-guys live.

j) What was Jaime’s plan? While he came back to “I am the stupidest Lannister”, Jaime is… not. He outsmarted Tyrion in terms of battle tactics. He is a gifted commander. He certainly is not as dumb as Cersei claimed him to be as she herself was not always the brightest pebble with an evil T’Pol haircut. He’s covered his hand with the glove when he rode away from King’s Landing at the end of season 7. He covered it again until he came back into King’s Landing and then took it off, for what it seems in the hope to use it as a VIP card to get the soldiers’ attention and thus entry into the Red Keep. That means he was in possession of the glove by the time he was captured by Daenerys’s forces. Why would he not wear it, then? Did he want to be caught? Why would he? Was he told by someone with the power of foresight that he needed to be there, that he needed to learn what signal was to be given (the bells) in order to give order to have them ring? We don’t know if he gave the order, but it’s not unlikely. Did he have a plan he didn’t let on even in front of his brother? Was there information Jaime protected and was that the reason why he seemed somewhat off? Who knows. Only the next episode will tell.

k) We are still due some kind of a reaction from Brienne.

l) Where the fuck is Widow’s Wail?

m) Why did the show bother giving us JB making love and playing house if the entire idea was to have him run back to his sister and just die by bricks? Why wait with this till the very last episode, to make it, for all it seems, the literal FINAL big bang of the series?

n) There is something to be said about how realism is not just “everyone dies and all is terrible”. Right now… everything is. We are in worst case scenario land for basically everyone. Jon became complicit in a mass murder, he could not prevent what Jaime did when he slew Aerys before he could nuke the city. Daenerys… committed a mass murder (she lost everyone safe for angry Greyworm and and is now a Queen of the Ashes). Cersei was cast down. Jaime coudln’t make his happiness with Brienne, for all it seems. Varys, for now, it seems, is proven right in that he hoped to be proven wrong and that shit would not go down like it did. Tormund won’t ever get his Emobear back. Bran is an emotional vegetable. Arya just had houses drop on her. Sandor died in fire, aka his worst enemy. Sansa may just have helped put Jon and/or Arya in danger if Daenerys continues to be crazypants. Hundreds and thousands of people got burned, injured, raped, murdered, kabloomed. Tyrion may just have lost his entire family, may still face the wrath of his Queen and continues to be kind of a stupid idiot. This is not some balanced kind of scenario of good and bad, this is just… bad.

o) If we only consider POV characters from the books, there are only three pairings where they are both major POV characters, the three Jays: JC, JD, and JB. And of those two… two are varying degrees of incest, as Varys would otherwise point out to you, and the other barely left the ground before bricks came raining from the sky. The point being… am I to believe that no single 2-POV-romance has any kind of a future? I find it odd.

The list could probably be longer but I am getting tired here. Suffice to say there are a number of reasons that *support* such a hypothesis.

Back on target of scenarios that give me hope - the Jaime lives somehow edition:

4) We may still be in for a Branception. He may pull back time and try to right things (he may also turn out the ultimate villain whose only goal, from the beginning, was to obtain the IT for all we know). He may have seen the worst case scenario unfold as we saw it now, and we may go back to him trying to make it right this time. But those are scenarios that involve a kind of mojo that continues to leave me far too baffled to dive into further. Suffice to say, he may have his hands in that somehow. 

5) Suppose both of them survive somehow. Further imagine a scene of someone waking up on a boat, blinded for a moment, only to come around and look at a very scowling Brienne of Tarth, only to realize that yup, we are seeing things through Jaime’s eyes. And as he turns around he sees a dishevelled but alive sister in the boat, and a very pissed off sellsword turned assassin who complains about how he did not sign up for nearly getting buried alive in those tunnels if not for that warrior woman forcing him to wait out there and pull Jaime and Cersei to safety in the skulls or whatever else when it mattered. Evidently, this would have to be followed by some kind of trial for Cersei as she remains a shitshow of a person who held a city hostage, kabloomed a sept because she could and smirkily drank wine while doing so and gettting helluva murderboners over this. AKA her ending with Jaime still sounds to me as far too nice for a woman who’s done so much horrible when there was no need for it and did nothing really other than supposedly being pregnant with a child (will continue to believe that it is/was a tumor until I’m proven otherwise… even then I will stick to it because history parallels are awesome!) to deserve a “nice” and somewhat comforting exit with her brother by her side, without a single sign of acknowledgement of her being a shitshow of a person. Anyway, that leads too far astray. The point remains on the idea that I wouldn’t even exclude Cersei living at least for a longer while (end of episode 6), but ultimately proving that Jiame will outlive her (as was kind of hinted at by the book’s weirwood dream).

6) Since we have Davos and Tyrion in place as well as a body that conveniently is deposited near the Red Keep now and maches in height and so and such, and since Daenerys would not want to see Jaime Lannister alive right now… how about the good old switch game? Demolish Euron’s dead face a bit more, cut off a hand, stick the golden one on, maybe crispy him a bit more and present that to Daenerys. Would she ask questions beyond that? The point being, I can perfectly see a scenario whereby Jaime will emerge from the rubble (either by sheer luck or by having dived or been pulled into one of the dragon skulls) or will be pulled ou of it, and everyone has to be quick to get rid of him to hide him from Daenerys’s wrath. Off into a boat and let him be brought somewhere to heal and live a silent life where nobody knows what became of him. Tarth is supposed to be beautiful around the season, hm? 

7) Brienne pulls Jaime from the rubble. He explains himself to her, believing he is about to die, just that he isn’t. Maybe he will ogle at her, going on about how Bran even told him how he was destined to die and how there was no future beyond (for him). Only for Brienne to drop it on him that there is, if he decides to live at last because sure as hell she won’t be taking care of a kid they both made and have responsibility to. Perhaps Jaime recognizing that Bran hinted at that the baby he was referring to was not Cersei’s (if there is) but Brienne’s. And that all that needed to happen so he could be reborn.

8) Jaime being the one to ring the bells becoming some kind of unsung hero alongside Brienne if she has any part in getting rid of the current usurper. Imagine Brienne badass-single-handedly getting rid of the living nuke aka dragon.

9) In a scneario whereby Jon offs Daenerys or Daenerys offs off to Essos and Jon does not push the claim… and if we hopefully overlook Gendry because the guy should not be assigned manager jobs he does no have the expertise for (*eye roll*) - I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against Gendry but he is by no means a politician or anything close to it… just briefly imagine of the reborn Jaime Lannister, the former Kingslayer, suddenly being confronted with the reality that he is heir to the Iron Throne. Just for funsies. Hm?

10) All ends with Jaime waking up next to Brienne, dozing in bed with their ten kids sleeping in the other rooms of Evenfall Hall, going like “Brienne, honey, I just had the shittiest dream ever.” And then the two cuddle.

Yeah no, for real now though. I can spin myself more scenarios than that, all of which bear hope in some capacity, both within the canon as well as how I have set up my shipping habits. Which means I basically feel invincible right now. The worst that can happen is that I am dissatisfied with how their arcs will conclude, in which case I still have my community and fanfic to fix it. If it ends tragically but at least with recognition of feelings for one another, I will be sad but satisfied. If Jaime survives at least long enough to see Brienne one more time, I will cry like a baby but I will be okay because it will make clear where his heart was at last. and how it will always be hers. If it’s one of the more and most positive scenarios, I will be a happy customer and may gloat more than I should.

My most basic hope is that we get coherence where I currently find myself confused as to where the narrative is heading. There are things I don’t understand or can’t currently, based on the limited information we have, make sense of. I would hope for the show to clear up that much.

My more elaborate hope is that we get the confirmation of their mutual feelings for one another. That can go a multitude of ways, as outlined above, but that’s something I would really want/need to feel like their arcs came full circle, even if Jaime winds up dead.

My HYPE hopes are of course the rebirth scenarios. I don’ find them unlikely, but I don’t hold my breath for them to happen. If they do, I am happy. If they don’t, I won’t be disappointed enough to be sadder than I ought to be. I will try my best to use it as inspiration for fanart, fanfic, and editing.

So yeah… how can I go wrong? How can I be anything but hopeful? I hope for the best, accept the worst if it comes, and simply go on with my fandom life because that is the important aspect about it for me personally. I have amazing friends in this fandom and I can look back on years of one of the best shipping rides I ever undertook. We are canon in every sense of the term and that can’t be taken away from us (as someone once said so elegantly: you can’t unfuck someone). So my hopes are that I simply get to go on enjoying my fandom life in this fandom, then waiting for the books and taking the liberty to dissect the narrative in the light of its full context instead of only ever theorizing based on limited information. My hope is to continue to have awesome, inspiring, and productive discussions and theories and headcanons.

Those are my hopes, and I don’t see how they will ever be disappointed, no matter what may happen in the show next week, or in the infinity and beyond it will take for GRRM to finish those books. And I think that’s not just wishful thinking because the power to remain hopeful actually lies with me. I am the master of my shipping experience, of my fandom life, and as such, I can have all the positivity no matter the canon outcomes.

So yeah, I am a happy Wacky right now and I will continue to be.

And I do hope that some of that positivity will reach you, anon, and anyone else currently feeling like… a bunch of bricks are raining down on them. Sorry, I have to cut back on those puns, I know.

Anyway. To close now.

I am hopeful because I put my hope in my fandom experience, and in that way I cannot possibly lose - and anyone who decides to follow down the same path, you can’t lose either! So how about we continue to win together? I’d very much like that.

[her0icmismatched]

I have a confession to make.

I’ve been having some issues with this blog as of late, from frequent ‘follower cullings’, to... well... to myself, and the future of this blog.

To be clear... I honestly adore the Fire Emblem fandom more than the Marvel one, despite my frequent activity in the Marvel tumblr rp group, there were times when the content of my dash would really cause my stress and anxiety to rise to the point where I needed an out and I decided to come back here after a long absence from both my Rinkah and Lethe blogs.

What drew me to the Fire Emblem RP community was the lack of bias towards multimuse-blogs, because, seriously, I think 3/4′s of this rp fandom are multimuse. But what also drew me here was just how friendly everyone was, how much fun everyone was having, how the dash wasn’t always riddled with posts raving about the latest controversies in comics, or complaining about content creators, or social and political issues. It was a breath of fresh air, and this blog became an easy escape for me when the politics of the Marvel RP community would become too much to the point where I didn’t want to do anything on that blog but hide or make stupid posts to calm myself, or just not want to deal with anybody.

But... my time here has not been all sunshine and roses.

I feel as though I’ve lost more friends here than in any other fandom I RP with. This is from a combination of poor behavior on my part, to my own anxieties and anger issues, to the stresses sometimes becoming too much. I’ve done more follower cullings (where i do a mass softblocking and hardblocking of followers I haven’t interacted with or in an attempt to remove personal/porn blogs) on this blog than any of my other blogs. Mostly from getting a large influx of followers, making starters and posts for them, and then having them go unanswered for days, sometimes weeks, sometimes months. I know, tumblr is a hobby, I shouldn’t be pressuring people or forcing them to respond to threads, but sometimes, after I put in all that effort for somebody, and then it basically getting ignored, I get offended.

But the two biggest issues that have been on my mind recently, are two of the friends that I have lost on this blog. Both happened at times when I was not mentally or emotionally able to handle these ‘breakups’, and I did not handle them well.

I won’t name names, and I don’t intend to vague post either of them. I’m not perfect, I did get angry with them, I got sad with them, I tried desperately to fix things only to see my efforts fall apart, but I am not the type to start sending hate-mail, vague posting, or making callouts.

To be honest, there are days I log on here, and I don’t feel welcome. My attempts to engage people often go unanswered, or when I’m feeling down and I try to reach out to someone for help, I get blocked or unfollowed and get told to ‘grow up’ or ‘deal with it’ or ‘nobody cares’.

For friends who have said that I can always come to them when I need a shoulder to lean on, only to be told to go fuck myself when those times eventually come... It hurts, it hurts a lot. It hurts just as much when my attempts to reach out also get ignored.

The two friends I lost, are people I had been friends with for some time, and losing them has hurt in so many ways. I reacted poorly in both cases, and I regret things I said or did during those times. I was not prepared for when those times came, but really, who can be prepared when friends decide they aren’t friends anymore? What happened doesn’t justify the things I said to them as a result and I wish I could apologize to them and make things right, but I know that won’t happen. Never.

I come on this blog some days, and despite my best attempts to keep them off of my dash, putting their urls in my tag filters so I won’t see their posts with other people I follow, I still see their URLs, I’m still reminded of them, and it brings back all those negative feelings and the hurt and so many other emotions. I get triggered by seeing old friends names appearing on my dash and them acting like nothing happened, like I was just a number they could easily throw away or ignore despite the years we’ve known each other. I know that’s not the case, or not entirely the case, but it’s what it feels like to me.

As I’ve said in my rules before, if I’m doing something wrong, or I’ve done something that offends or upsets you, please, tell me, either through asks or messenger, I’ll respond to either. I’m sick to death of feeling disgusted with myself and I just want to be a better person. But some days, I just come here and feel like I’m not welcome, like I’m not wanted, like I don’t belong here and I’m just better off deleting and never coming back.

I want to be better, to the people I have hurt, I am so sorry, I wish I could  take back the things I said, mend broken bridges, or move on, but I can’t, I’m still stuck in that moment of losing those people I cared about. 

I don’t know what to do anymore, I come on here, and feel like I’m staring at a wall, waiting for something to happen.

Again, to the people I have hurt, and to all my friends and mutuals, if I have ever wronged you in some way. I am so so sorry...

[head-and-heart]

The 100 Highlights - “Eden” (5x01)

Hey there fam! I’m starting this series in honour of the new season of The 100 that is now airing. Basically, it will function similar to review of the episode, except I will be pointing out the highlights of the episode - the things that I liked (not what I was critical of).

In light of 5x01 airing, it has become increasingly clear to me that - no matter how good an episode is - it is too easy for this fandom to get caught up on the negative aspects of it. (And yes, that includes myself sometimes.)

Being critical is good - it is a part of consuming fiction - but it is also important to recognize the positive aspects of literature as well. If not for anyone else, than for your own sanity. So that sparked the purpose of this series: for me to take a step back and think about what I enjoyed about the episode, and then share it to spread a little positivity in fandom. 

I intend to do this for every episode of Season 5, and possibly for later seasons as well (assuming we get renewed) depending on how it goes. 

So, for my first post, I will be talking about “Eden”. 

In no particular order:

The camera following the Ark and speeding down to Earth as the very first shot of the season was pretty cool and really captured the atmosphere of the episode as well as what the heart of the show seems to be: the connection among people even when they are apart, and the ways in which they fight to get back to each other.

Looking back, the cinematography of this episode was honestly stunning. The dull and bleached colour pallet of the scorched Earth versus the vibrancy of Eden is a shocking contrast and there were so many beautiful shots throughout the episode.

Loved the little callbacks to past places and characters - like the stones where they signalled to Luna, Jasper’s goggles, the stick from L.exa’s throne, Maya’s iPod, the rover, etc - it shows how all these people are still very present in Clarke’s mind (and how they are indirectly keeping her alive, keeping her centered).

The attention to detail was really strong in this episode (see above point) with all the props and the music choices (eg. playing the CL theme when Clarke finds L.exa’s throne). Due to this it ensured that, in spite of the time jump, the heart and history of The 100 remained present.

Seriously, there were sooo many cool shots. The shot of Clarke driving as the dust/lightning storm approaches was super neat. I loved how they depicted what life on Earth looks like after Praimfaya, the devastation of the planet. And also the shot of her staring into the flames as she burns the bodies of the villagers was stunning.

Having the entirety of the first 27 minutes following Clarke (and narrated almost solely by her) really nailed home the impact of her isolation and was, not to mention, a very bold storytelling decision

Music was used expertly in this episode. Tree Adams did such a great job at pinpointing when the music was needed, and when the episode was better served by using it liberally (and, on occasion, not at all). In the shot of Clarke sorting through Arkadia, the music is very light, the most prominent sound the whistling of the wind, as if to accentuate the fact that the world has gone completely silent following Praimfaya. It is also used as an homage to old characters who have passed, such as Maya, or L.exa, which I appreciated.

The scene where Clarke finds Jasper’s things was absolutely beautiful, and Eliza killed the scene with her acting. When I watched 4x13 last year I was disappointed to find that the scene where Clarke found Jasper’s suicide note was cut from the finale (it was in the leaked scripts) because I thought it meant Jasper’s memory would be forgotten. In retrospect, I’m happy that they did it this way instead, when Clarke is completely and utterly alone, and she can finally allow the emotions to hit her properly. There were so many amazing callbacks to characters from previous seasons who are no longer around anymore.

“Anyway ... in case this is the last time I get to do this, I just wanna say .. please don’t feel bad about leaving me here. You did what you had to do. I’m proud of you.” We’ve all had over a month to mentally and emotionally prepare ourselves for this line, since the trailer came out, but it remains just as beautiful as the first time.

There’s just something so badass about Clarke driving through an empty post-apocalyptic wasteland, listening to EDM on one of the last remaining pieces of tech on planet Earth. Clarke finding Maya’s iPod was the gift I didn’t know I needed.

Kudos to the makeup department for depicting their female lead realistically after almost dying of dehydration and radiation burns in the desert - sometimes this is not easy to find on a CW show.

Clarke’s frequent radio calls/narration offers up a fresh and interesting way of telling the story in this episode, revealing how Clarke has grown and reflected over the years.

There were soooo many parallels to previous episodes (eg. Clarke rising out of the water like Octavia in 1x01, the irradiated dining room in the village visually paralleling Mount Weather in 2x16, Clarke confronting her map like she did in the very first episode of the series, the shot of her face through the flames as she burns the bodies of the villagers is very reminiscent of 3x12, and everything to do with Madi and Clarke parallels the Blakes. And, of course, Charmaine’s “it means we’re not alone” is an obvious callback to Clarke’s words in the Pilot.)

No emotional beats are missed in 5x01. Clarke finding the child on the step outside the church is just one example of a gutwrenching moment in this episode that emotionally impacts us just in the way that all good media should.

“I’ve lost track of how many bodies we’ve burned since reaching the ground. God, this would be so much easier if I knew you were alive, if I knew I was going to see you again.” My Bellarke heart is singing!

Clarke gushing about berries. Enough said.

The filming of Clarke’s encounter of Madi pays homage to the horror genre, with her appearing suddenly in between the trees, or in the window frame. While not scary, it holds the same mood as 3x12 and 4x07 did - two episodes most strongly associated with typical horror films. I really enjoyed the mystery and intrigue associated with the way they approached Clarke meeting Madi.

By displaying Madi as fearful of flamekeepers, it demonstrates an alternative perspective to the Grounder faith that we haven’t gotten to see before: resistance. It also shines a light on the brutality of the conclave system in a way that is rarely addressed in the show (but perhaps should be).

Clarke performing surgery on herself? SO ! BAD ! ASS !

Clarke’s drawing of Madi was beautiful. And the little girl’s smile after seeing it? Precious.

Clarke spearing a fish? I’m turned on.

They did the absolute MOST gorgeous transition this show has ever done in this episode. And you all know which one I’m talking about. When Clarke is looking up at the stars and says, “What about them? Do you think they’ll come down too?” AND THEN IT SMOOTHLY SHIFTS TO THE ARK, BELLAMY STARING OUT THE WINDOW LOOKING DOWN AT HER AS SHE LOOKS UP AT HIM - BOTH UNKNOWINGLY. And the MUSIC. The music, oh god. Everything about it was stunning. The camerawork, the music, the thematic implications of it all. I just can’t be coherent about how amazing that transition was. Lemme go watch it another five times before I continue.

Raven beating Echo. Raven laughing. Raven. 

The dynamic among the space squad is really intriguing, and Jason Rothenberg communicated so much with so little. With just a few short scenes and lines of dialogue we can perfectly understand everyone’s role on the Ark, the tension between Bellamy and Raven, the uncertainty of Echo paired with the internal struggle of Monty, the way Emori has so seamlessly fitted herself into the group, and how Murphy has just as easily removed himself from it. It’s fascinating to me to watch how these characters interact with each other; how things have remained constant, and how they have shifted.

The fact that “Murphy” is considered one of their chores on the Ark will never not be funny (and equally heartbreaking???).

“Seconds?” “Yeah right, I choose Murphy.” I will never be over Monty’s poor, cute, little hopeful face here. It was adorable.

The Murphy and Bellamy fight scene was a blessing in every single way. First of all, Bellamy being cheeky is my lifeblood. Second of all, Murphy’s story this season is super intriguing to me. And third of all, Bellamy holding Murphy in a headlock as he forces him to admit he’s not worthless is a scene I never would have imagined I would need this much.

“You know what I think your problem is? You like being the hero; only up here, there are no heroes.” I LOVE this line because of how it delves into Murphy’s psyche and also displays him in a different way than Murphy typically is. It shows that, deep down, he really does care about more than himself. When he has so much time to wallow in his own self-loathing, he feels he needs to live up to his own expectations, and he acts out. If he can’t be a hero, then he’ll be what he knows he can be. A dick.

Also ... “there are no heroes” = “there are no good guys”. I love my otp

Bellamy is the biggest dad and I am LIVING for it.

“I’ll make sure it’s my only choice.” Cue Kate’s Bellarkean death.

“Non-violent offenders with me?” “Yeah, both of them.” Okay, I’m sorry but I’ll never stop laughing about this.

“Relax, McCreary. You’re still my favourite mass-murderer.” I loved this little exchange because it hints at the dynamic between all of the Eligius crew. Again, Jason does so much with so little words. It clearly indicates just how different these prisoners are from The 100 - how dangerous. Also ... is Zeke a mass murderer, then?

Monty and Harper’s scene together was enlightening. I’m so excited for Monty’s journey this season, and it makes complete sense for him to go in this direction. What’s intriguing is that him and Harper have almost shifted places from where they were in Season 4, where Harper wanted to give up and Monty was insistent on the need to keep fighting. He brings up a good point now: “No one should have to be that strong.” Because isn’t that the whole truth? I also really appreciated the callback to Monty’s mom, as well as Jasper, as there was a serious concern as to whether those deaths would just be swept under the rug because of the time jump. I’m happy to see that my concerns were for nothing.

Emori and Raven’s friendship is EVERYTHING. 

Nothing is brighter than Raven Reyes’ smile and that’s a fact.

Lindsey and Richard continue to have stunning chemistry and they both feed off each other so well, no matter how you see their relationship.

Ending the episode with the single shot of the fight ring in the bunker and Octavia (and her “royal guards”, so to speak) observing blankly from above was absolutely chilling. And the best possible way to lead into the next episode. 

Hope you enjoyed reading my highlights! Feel free to share some of your own. I’ll be back sometime next week following “Red Queen”.

[pathhyena]

Depression: It bad

This might be an awful idea, but hyenas sort of thrive on those so who knows.

Hi everyone! Hey what’s been on the news lately?! Right, suicide. That sucks. (Great start hyena). I didn’t know the folks who passed very well, but I remember when Robin Williams took his life, and that threw me for a loop. Celebrities are weird because we have some connection to them even though they’ll likely never know we exist. We sort of support them en masse and they serve an invisible army hungry for their content. When they pass away, it hurts, because we have that powerful emotional one-way connection. I get that.

The bad news is that’s going to happen a lot. It used to not happen as much because we only had radio and TV and 30 channels so the celebrity delivery pipelines were relatively small. That’s why the news still announces every death in the mornings. Today, with social media, fandom structures, indie streaming, a million channels, and more movies and music delivery streams than ever, the number of celebrities has exploded. This is really cool because now there isn’t some centralized control over who we get access to, it’s really nicely wide open. What this also means though is that in the coming years we’ll hear about a lot more passing’s of really cool people. I think to a limited degree we saw this with Bourdain, whose content was delivered on an expansive cable frontier, and Avicii, who benefited from less centralized control over music. These are still all- stars in their fields, so they may be weak examples, but I just think we’ll see a lot more of this down the line.

Celebrity life is really crazy. It’s demanding. They read a lot of critical reviews of themselves as people, and sometimes the motivations that drive you towards fame are also internally destructive. Creativity as a force is often (not always!) cruel, and the drive to find approval from a mass audience often comes along, and often doesn’t come from the greatest places. Even far removed from who we were as teenagers, our darker angels live within us for decades. We all get better at dealing with them, but they certainly still exist.

When a celebrity takes their own life, there is a documented spike in suicides across the world, most notably in demographics similar to that individual. Partly this makes a lot of sense: someone we understand who looks and feels similar to ourselves lost their daily battle, and maybe it’s okay if we do, too. I heard a sociologist on NPR explaining that suicide is now normalizing, and that struck me as odd. I don’t know how it seems to other people, but it’s always been a glaring option to me. I didn’t need news articles to tell me it was an option, it’s something I used to think about.

Suicide is a thing a lot of us think about, and that doesn’t make us weird. It’s an odd existential exercise that the brain sometimes likes to meander into then shriek away from. Like how when I’m high up I think, wow that jump would suck (I am consequently scared of heights). That’s not all that abnormal, I don’t think. The issue comes when the exercise becomes less thought and more dangerous solution, less pondering and more considering. Some folks don’t feel like they have a lot to lose, even though realistically we have everything to lose. Decades of die rolls and adaptations and new friends around a corner we can’t see, but in that moment none of that seems likely, or maybe even all that great. We as people can’t help but view the entire span of a lifetime but through the lens of today, of right now. Tomorrow is forever away.

People keep begging us online to remember how valuable life is, they keep sending us suicide hotline numbers. One tweet I saw going around had the number for every country, in case someone speaking English in Turkey needed the suicide hotline for their nation. I have to be honest, I don’t know how qualified I am to respond to these; I haven’t felt a considerable level of suicide drive since I was 23. I didn’t want to take my own life since it would probably hurt and also it would make my mother sad and that would suck, but y’know if something would have magically end my life painlessly and without fault assigned that would have been cool. Nothing magically made that better but time, but I also had a lot of good friends to talk me through the really crazy thoughts.

I made very little sense back then. (I make only slightly more now.)

What I tend to find with depression is that it ebbs and flows. That’s not true for everyone, I’ve read, with the worst cases being times where apathy sets in and just stays for years. In that scenario nothing is good, nothing is bad, and everything is nothing. It’s a familiar numbness to the entrance and exit of a depressive wave. I think the brain just burns out, and it takes a while to recover. But there’s a period for a lot of us where it’s just really harsh, and I think that’s what those hotlines are for. Maybe you don’t have anyone you trust to talk to about something, you don’t have an emotional connection, and distant tweets from distant strangers don’t do it for you. That’s otherwise really hard, because you have to get through it on your own. I’ve had those nights too. It’s certainly possible to recover from the really bad times on your own (if not required sometimes), but it helps to have a receptive mind on the other end of your painful thoughts. Just something on the other end to reflect and consider. Sometimes that can turn things around, but usually it doesn’t. It’s good at getting you to the next clear moment, where maybe you can recover, find some respite.

And here’s the thing with going to a friend for help – they often want to “fix” you. And it doesn’t work, and then after a few more rounds (this stuff comes in rounds usually), they get frustrated and they check out. Even the good friends do, they just get exasperated. Okay this definitely isn’t true for ALL friends. But here’s a hint to the good allies out there: You can’t fix someone with these issues, we must work them out for ourselves.

“You only talk to me when you’re depressed.” Yes, because that’s the only time I’m in enough pain to overcome debilitating social anxiety.

“You don’t really say anything.” I don’t know what to say, all my thoughts are awful.

“Why are you so negative all the time.” Why is the sky blue.

“This is really hard to hear every week.” I know. I know that, and I feel bad talking to you, I just don’t know what else to do.

And therapy isn’t a magic bullet. You need a good therapist, and sometimes the right drug combination and that’s its own mess. I encourage folks to take this route, but it’s not a fast lane. You often need a mix of stuff. You need exercise so your body doesn’t get sad on your brain’s behalf, friends to get you through the hard times and share your realizations, helpful information to help you fight your battles more strategically, an ability to adjust your tactics when you’re in a good place, and sometimes professionals who can help you understand what’s going on. You may be helped by medication that can help you find clarity.

That’s a lot! And it takes years, and I know that’s frustrating. Humans live for decades, and even through your bad years you often add a lot of value to the world in weird little uncelebrated ways. We can even have a lot of worthless years and find our way to a net positive life. It’s just hard to see that. You have to take it on faith. I’m not much for hope myself, I’m weird that way. But some things you have to take on faith. If you keep fighting, the probability is over time you can find the tools to make it just a little bit easier. And sometimes that’s all we need. We don’t need to be “fixed”. Just make things a little bit easier. And then we can start from a better palace, another foothold in this mountain climb.

We need people to help us be okay with the tumbles, though. There will be a lot of setbacks. Recovery is a long game.

And maybe this is morbid, but consider Robin Williams for a moment. He struggled constantly, and in the end, he “lost”. He went a long time though. If it was cancer, we would have celebrated his valiant struggle. It wasn’t, though, it was self destruction, so it feels like just this great, avoidable loss.

It isn’t, tho. Depression is much like cancer, there is a physical cause, and just because we overcome it psychologically that doesn’t diminish how difficult that is. When you think, when you process ideas or even daydream, you literally change the physical construction of your brain. You rewire. There’s a physical change. When we learn to work with and around our depression we are literally adapting to difficult wiring with re-routed wiring. Depression is a physical malady. When someone loses their struggle, it’s very sad.

But it’s not their fault. It’s not our fault. It’s no one’s “fault”. Sentience is so complex. There are millions of adaptive super computers we call brains and sometimes they have difficulty and we struggle. The tragedy, I feel, is when someone loses to a “spike” – those moments that inexplicably are so much worse. That’s what the hotlines are for, y’know. They get you through those potentially fatal spikes, and maybe there’s a longer term way out.

There are people that have died because they didn’t have someone with an emotional connection to talk to. That’s a stark truth. Now someone to talk to isn’t going to fix anything, necessarily, but if you have a really harsh downswing, and there’s no one there, it’s so easy to give in to the reality your troubled mind constructs. How do you overcome a misperceived reality when your own mind is telling you what’s real? That answer is complicated. We have a lot of minds in us, and we can sort of call on our other sections of thought to help get us through. We can find our way through creativity, practiced mental exercises, or even forcing ourselves to think logically through a mental storm. Those are tools we learn how to use, but they’re hard to use when the awful part of the brain is literally screaming at us. Like trying to have a conversation with a screaming baby behind you on a plane. What helps a lot in the really bad times is another person to sort of generate words for us, and that’s why the good friends are so important.

But we also burn those friends out, and you sort of need a network to spread that responsibility around. But so often it’s hard to trust, and without vulnerability you can’t really care about the person on the other end. Without a fully functioning personality it’s difficult to find that bigger network. People are also stressful and sometimes awful. Sometimes they even make stuff worse.

This sounds like a lot, right? It sounds hard. It IS hard. Folks should understand how Catch 22 in nature depression is.

I have several people who only talk to me when they’re just really, really depressed. They don’t say they’re depressed usually, just small talk, and we banter, and they feel better. Lonely is it’s own kind of hell. I’m okay with these folks, to be honest. I don’t mind being that person. I’m glad I can help in little ways. Maybe it adds up.

I mean I’ve also had people just message me with no effort every day and they’re basically using me as a background television station because they’re bored, and that’s less great. Sometimes it’s hard to tell one from the other.

Anyway I’ll finish with this. Depression isn’t your fault, and feeling like you’re at wit’s end isn’t weakness. There is something wrong with you but it’s your fault as much as it’s someone’s fault for getting the flu. Now there are dumb things you can do when you get the flu – you don’t go run a mile or stop drinking water, right? There are basic measures to be taken, and that’s true for depression. Don’t indulge your demons and try to take care of your body when you’re able (your body can create it’s own depression). When the flu wears off we do things to recover and get back to 100%, and when depression gives us a break we should be documenting, pondering, and trying to fight our awful thoughts.

Another good flu analogy is seeking mental healthcare (which yes I know is not a great system today) makes sense when your brain is that ill. As with any physical malady, and no amount of willing it away is going to fix it. Telling someone with a 104F fever that they should suck it up is about as helpful as feeling like you shouldn’t need to go to a therapist because we should all be Very Strong People.

If you’re basically fighting the good fight, the overall tenor of where you are today is absolutely not your fault. It’s not a weakness, you don’t suck. You’re given the life you have by who you are and who you were.

Today is yours, and you can control how you react to today. Yesterday is already fucked, and that’s okay. You’re you today. The point of today is to make tomorrow a little better.

To that end, I’m okay with being someone’s desperate cold call on the way to oblivion, which is to say that if you just can’t stand life anymore and you don’t have anyone, it’s okay to message a hyena and say like, “fuck I don’t know what to do, you wrote that I could say hi to you and I could unload and you wouldn’t eat me (that might be a lie, that last part), so I’m taking a risk.” (You don’t have to curse.)

Now I know it’s a shitty thing to say, “Hey if you need someone come talk to me”, cause people are utterly fucking terrifying and how do you talk to someone you don’t know well, especially if they’re “fandom popular” (which has it’s own complications). What if you’re wasting someone’s time, what if you have nothing to say, what if you say something dumb, etc.

If I can’t talk right now, I can tell you, and I think you’d understand. If you have nothing to say we can talk about curtains. You can’t waste my time unless you’re just doing the bored no effort “I’m fine but entertain me” thing people sometimes do when they’re younger and haven’t figured that part out yet. Beyond that, honestly I’ve been where you are and the quality of conversation doesn’t even have to be great, it just has to be someone else out there. I’ll read your words and respond. I can’t be your best friend, and I’m sorry about that, but let’s be honest we’re not looking for best friends we are literally looking for anybody to show some compassion and care about our struggle, even if just briefly.

You may not know me except for reputation, or tweets, or even just this dumb tumblr post. That’s okay. You can look at my tweets and see that maybe I am weird because I think I am a hyena online and paws are pretty cool, and if you don’t think I’m awful (enough) and you really need someone, say hi.

As a disclaimer obviously if we have a prior history this may not work, because I am a person you have history with and am not actually a volunteer stranger on the end of a phoneline.

Dear person in a Very Bad Place: I may not be able to find you in time to say the right words. If you reach out to me, *I* may not have the right words. But we can try, and at least that’s something. I might be at work or laggy or depressed myelf, but I can tell you that, and I trust you to not take it so personally because you are a people and I am too.

If direct contact is scary, send me a reply on Twitter. We can use a code phrase, it can be “Foxes are very strange.” It’s true. As a corollary, sometimes my notifications get slammed and I might miss that (Twitter is bad at volume delivery), but I wanna still offer it as a sort of option.

Life is hard. I get that. If I can make your struggle a little easier, and you’re in a bad way, maybe I can help.

I feel like this is probably true for a lot of people on Twitter, and I bet there are folks who will read this and might reply “Hey me too, I would like to be this person too”. I don’t want to name names cause I don’t want to volunteer people who may not be in a good place themselves. You never know people’s lives.

ANYWAY, thanks for reading 3000 words, have a gold star. I hope any of this was helpful, and I mean the thing at the end except for the not eating you part. I have a reputation to maintain, you see.

@pathhyena on Twitter

P.S. I am especially bad at tumblr comments because I am extremely old.

Also adding ten more words to make it exactly 3000.

[coldphoenix]

Warning: incoming venom

Okay so please feel free to not read this. I’m very sleep deprived. My eyes are killing me. I have a headache. My feelings are all over the place right now and I’m very, very hormonal. I’m not a secure person. In fact I’m very insecure and I often have doubts or negative feelings, in general irl I’m happy and positive but sometimes I will feel low and that’s been happening more and more recently, mostly because of this site and fandom life in general. I don’t usually express my feelings. I know my problems are smaller than most and I don’t want to hurt my followers or make them feel bad by posting them here. I vent on my rant blog, that nobody can see, because I feel bad about putting my problems on others. I know you have your own stuff going on. I know my issues are petty compared to yours. I know you in all likelihood never meant to hurt me, and so I don’t want you to feel bad by telling you… but for some reason, right now I don’t really care about hiding my thoughts. Maybe because it’s obvious that nobody actually cares, so I might as well. My filter is totally off now. So a warning. Don’t read if you don’t like whiny shit. But then again, who does? If you want to unfollow me after this I’ll understand. If you lose respect for me, that’s fine too. I don’t know if I deserve your respect anyway. If you want to send hate, or block me, or whatever else, that’s fine. I knew the risks. The only thing I really don’t want to happen is for my followers to be upset or hurt by this, which is why I’m warning you… incoming venom. Please please proceed with caution. I’m going to post the Frit I promised, and then I’m coming off tumblr for a few days. Just until Friday. This site is killing me. I’ll still continue with the Chiccolo Week on my other blog, but that’s it. I’m not responding to messages, I’m not liking or reblogging, I’m not posting anything else. I’ll do it all after Friday, I just need to come away for a while.Don’t worry. I’ll still reblog your stuff. Just give me a couple of days. This site has really hurt me. I’ve held it in for so long, months, maybe a year even… but honestly… I’m gutted. And I know none of you are actively trying to hurt me, which is why I’ve stayed quiet for so long, because it’s not your fault… but you’ve activity not tried to help me, and that hurts. I’m a person. I know that’s annoying, but I am. It takes time to write fanfiction. It takes motivation. I’m struggling. I’ve been struggling for so long I don’t know how to not struggle anymore. I try to help people. I know what it’s like to struggle, to feel ignored, to feel down, and so whenever anybody I follow posts about issues or feeling down, I’m there. I can’t always help, but I do my best. I leave comments. I acknowledge them. I try to say something encouraging, I write for them, I show them support by reblogging their work… I do whatever I can to help. And I don’t do it to get something in return, I just do it because it’s the right thing to do, because they’re people and they need support, and like to I think I’m a decent enough human being to know that. But I’ll admit, I’d like to think that when I need it, when I’m struggling, these people would also be there for me. Mostly they’re not. I reblog their work because I want them to get noticed, I want them to achieve their goals because I know how difficult it is, but do they reblog my work? No. I acknowledge when they have persobal issues and okay, maybe I can’t make them feel better, but I try. I lose sleep trying. I spend my days wondering if they’re okay, if there’s more I can do to help, if what I’ve already said is helping, if there’s anything that can be done to help them… and most of the time they don’t even acknowledge that I’ve spoken. And that’s okay, I get it, when you’re feeling down you can’t always bring yourself to reply. That’s okay. It’s normal. But what about when I’m down? Nobody is here. These people… I allow myself to become emotionally drained for them. I let them stand on me. I offer my support and advice on their personal issues, because I don’t want them to feel ignored. I lose sleep and time and emotional stability worrying about them. I edit their fics for them, I leave feedback on their work, I reblog. I have a life. I’m the full time carer for my 2 year old son and I work part time, and two of my shifts are at night so I’m always sleep deprived the next day, because toddlers don’t tend to care what time you get to sleep. I have very little free time, but if someone asks me to spend it editing their work, I do it. If somebody is struggling and needs someone to read their stuff and leave comments, I do it. If someone is down and they need acknowledgement or support, I do it. And if I think writing something for them will help, I do it. I don’t have much free time, but I spend what I can on others, even if it means I don’t get to work on my own things. And what do these people do? They ignore me. They let me edit their work, for free, when I have my own stuff to be doing, and they don’t even bother reblogging or commenting on mine. They dont even acknowledge me. They dont even thank me! For spending sometimes hours of my own time and energy on their work. They let me reblog their work, that they’re struggling to get exposure for, they happily accept comments and advice from me, but will they reblog my stuff? No. God forbid they would let my cancerous fics poison their same-fandom page. They let me offer them support and they let me write stuff for them just to cheer them up, but where are they now? Now that I’m the one struggling, now that I’ve carried these people and put so much of my time and energy and emotions into worrying about them into helping them and losing sleep over them. Now that I’m the one who needs help… They can’t get far enough away. Do you know how much that hurts me? I’m a person! I’m a mother, I can’t feel like this! I have to be okay. My kid needs me to be okay, getting down isn’t an option for me, and yet all these people who I try my best to help stand, they trample on me every chance they get. And I guess it’s because my problems aren’t big to them, and I get that. I really do. But sometimes your problems don’t seem like a big deal to me either, but I help you with them anyway because they’re important to you, and that’s what matters. And I know maybe your reasons for not helping me are justified, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get hurt. I’m drowning. I’ve spent so long trying to keep other people afloat, at the cost of my own emotional well-being and time, and I’ve asked for nothing in return, but I always thought that maybe, maybe if I ever needed you, you’d be there. But you’re not. You never were, and you never will be, but you’ll let me carry on supporting you all the same. And I will. Because you need it. I won’t stop supporting you just because you don’t support me. I’m not that petty, and two wrongs don’t make a right and I believe that. So I guess you win either way. I’ll be fine. I just need to get away for a couple of days. I’m speaking to my editor on Friday, I’m sure that will make me feel better. So I’ll post the Frit today and I’ll post for the rest of Chiccolo Week, but aside from that, until Friday I’ll be gone. I won’t answer asks or messages on any of my blogs. I won’t post anything else. I’ll remove the tumblr app from my phone until Friday. Then I’ll be back, and I’ll answer all your asks and messages like normal, and I’ll reblog everything I’ve missed out on. I won’t abandon you. And I’ll act like this never happened. If you want to stop following me that’s fine. If this post has hurt you I’m sorry, it wasn’t my intention. I kept this in for so long because I didn’t want people to get hurt by it. Maybe it was wrong of me to even post this now. I know I have no right to put my problems on you. I know supporting you was my choice, you didn’t make me, and I know you don’t owe me a thing. So don’t worry. Just do what you need to do. I’ll be fine. But I want to say thank you to the few people who have shown me support. I won’t tag you because I don’t know if you’d like that, but you know who you are. Those people who have taken the time to reply to me these past couple of days, and in the past when I’ve been feeling down. Those people who have treated me like a person, who have actually given as well as taken. Thank you. Thank you for remembering that I’m a human. I will never forget your kindness, and don’t think for a second that it won’t be repaid.

[rofics]

Hidden omega (part 43)

Fandom: Bts (Got7 + Big Bang + B.A.P + Monsta X + Seventeen + Block B+Vixx+TVXQ+Exo) Who doesn’t love a good ensemb Pairing:  Namjoon x Everybody Genre: Smut/Fluff/Angst Au: Canon / Omegaverse au Length: 5.3k

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21, Part 22, Part 23, Part 24, Part 25, Part 26, Part 27, Part 28, Part 29, Part 30, Part 31, Part 32, Part 33, Part 34, Part 35, Part 36, Part 37, Part 38,  Part 39, Part 40, Part 41, Part 42

Summary:

Jackson finally pops Namjoon’s cherry (Or what ever haven’t been popped by Jinyoungs fingers XD)

The problem for Namjoon was that he had no idea how to actually explaining what he was doing. He had no idea why he had even joined BamBam and Mark in this weird game they were playing, it was normally not something he would have done. It simply wasn’t him. He just… It just felt right, but now with Jackson sitting on the edge of the bed looking sad and lost and he regrets everything leading up to this moment.

“Jackson, please it’s nothing like that.” Namjoon tried, but it didn’t seem to calm the older alpha.

“Then what is it? I… I can’t change if nobody tells me what is wrong, Mark does the same just clams up and leave me to figure stuff out myself!” Jackson just looked… pathetic there was no other way to put it, and Namjoon felt so guilty.

He should have seen it coming. He knew that no matter what Jackson tried to show to the outside world, he was easily insecure something he tried to hide from the world, but Namjoon should really have known better.

Namjoon sat down next to Jackson and took his hand as softly as he could and intertwined their fingers. “This is going to be a weird conversation so try to understand me, because I don’t really understand it myself.” Namjoon took a deep breath to explain to probably the alpha he trusted the most. What the fuck was going on in his mess of a brain? “You know that BamBam is in half heat, and when he came to me to join him, I was a little confused at first. I never even heard of a half heat so it was new to me.”

Jackson in true Jackson fashion was ready to break his promise of silence to speak up, probably explaining something about how it wasn’t Namjoon’s fault he didn’t know. Luckily Namjoon knew him and before he even had a chance to speak he had placed his free hand over Jackson’s mouth interrupting his speech. “No first when I’m done,” he took a deep breath before starting to speak again, “Jinyoung explained it to me, and for some reason I agreed with it. I can’t explain why I thought it was a good idea, it just made sense to me, it was like some part of me wanted to do it.”

Namjoon sighed removing his hand from Jackson’s mouth and instead resting his head on Jackson’s shoulder. They hadn’t really had any time just for the two of them since Namjoon had gotten there and now he was about to leave. It was kinda sad. While yes Namjoon was happy that he had gotten to spend so much time with all other members of Got7, and he was happy that he had gotten so close with everybody, he felt happy with them.

“I tried to keep everybody from doing things too extreme, that was also the reason I took Yugyeom with me. I’m sorry if I hurt you I never meant to do that. I just sometimes struggle with controlling my instincts. I never had them so harsh as they are right now, plus Daesung-hyung warned me that I might end up suffering from half heats as well.” He gave Jackson’s hand a slight squeeze. “I’m sorry, it really had nothing to do with anything. I am happy with how you treat me, how any of you treat me. Really I promise.”

Jackson leaned his head on top of Namjoon’s. “Can I speak now?”

“Yeah I am done explaining.”

“I’m sorry I might have overreacted. After what happened with Mark I just easily get insecure and I’m always worried that I’m doing something wrong or that I’m not good enough. I took it out on you, I’m sorry Joonie,”

Namjoon felt Jackson’s soft lips in his hair and he closed his eyes for just a second to enjoy the moment. “When I go, promise me you will talk to Mark about it. This isn’t healthy that you constantly worry about not being good enough, please tell me you will talk to him.”

Jackson sighed, but Namjoon knew he had won when Jackson nodded and said in a low voice. “I promise, it is just hard to start conversations like that. How do I start it without making it all about me? Hey Mark, you know how I almost made you not want us by being clingy? Yeah that made me insecure?”

Of course, this was Jackson after all, the person who had this weird idea that him expressing his concerns and feelings was somehow negative and not okay. “What about, ‘Hey Mark, since we are a pack I want to talk about somethings. I really love you and sometimes I am worried that you don’t love me back, or love me as much as I love you’”

“I know he loves me” Jackson mumbled, but Namjoon knew him enough to know that he had gotten the point. “But I will talk to him, thanks Joonie.”

Namjoon just smiled and sat there for a second both just enjoying the time they had together and the silence, until Jackson didn’t seem to be able to keep the silence anymore. “I didn’t actually think about it, but this is the most time we have spent alone since you got here.”

The omega just smiled finally moving his head away from Jackson’s shoulder, mainly because Jackson was so much shorter than him it was actually starting to hurt. “Yeah, it has been really nice though. I have enjoyed my time here, you all made me so happy. I feel safe here.”

Namjoon was suddenly half tackled into the bed and cuddling with Jackson. It was in a callback to right before Namjoon had his heart attack as Jackson’s hands managed to find their way up under Namjoon’s shirt resting over Namjoon’s heart.

“When Jinyoung got the call… I was so fucking scared.” Oh yeah… they hadn’t talked about that at all, the had all been so focused on just being happy. Namjoon should have known he wouldn’t get away with it.

He put his hand under Jackson’s shirt and lightly petted the older man’s smaller hand. “I never meant for it to happen. I wasn’t trying to kill myself, you know that right?”

“I know… Kinda… Maybe? I thought that maybe you just had enough of it all, that you were just finally done with everything. Jiho and I had plans, we wanted to help you. We were both terrified that we were too late, that it was our fault.” Namjoon knew he had to stop Jackson, that if continued this rant it would end them both in a place they didn’t want. He knew that Jackson blamed the rest of BTS even if it wasn’t their fault.

So he decided to use his new privilege of being courted, as he turned around in Jackson arms and softly kissed the alpha. It was such a weird thing, but still happy feeling to feel Jackson just relax against him and kiss Namjoon back.

Namjoon couldn’t explain how happy it made him to feel Jackson’s hands settle on his hips and for his own hand to find a home in Jackson’s bleached locks. Before he went to Got7 he never had kisses before, he knew that Bts loves him, they just didn’t see him like that, right?

Namjoon could easily become addicted to kisses he felt. He had no idea how people weren’t just doing it all the time. Feeling somebody else's body so close to yours and their lips moving softly against your own. It was amazing, something Namjoon had learned to love every day.

For a moment they were both just happy laying there slowly exploring each others mouth. Namjoon who was still learning the art of kissing trying his best to match what Jackson was doing, and Jackson for his part was pulling out all the stops to blow Namjoon away.

Neither had no idea how long time they were laying there. Or how it came to be Namjoon on top of Jackson, with the alpha having both of his hands on Namjoon’s now way too skinny thighs. The rest of Got7 seemed to have left them for themselves, clearly thinking that they needed some time for just them. When Jackson pulled away both of them slightly out of breath Namjoon was worried that he had done something wrong when Jackson on a breathy voice said. “Yeah we need to stop.”

Namjoon sat up straight, or as straight as he could still straddling Jackson. “I’m sorry, I know I’m not a very good kisser.”

Jackson just laughed a little. “Joonie that is not the problem, but if we keep going I am going to get turned on by having your body like this above me. So we should really stop.”

The younger bit down on his full lower lip, the only part of him that was still full, something that made Jackson a little sad as he petted Namjoon’s thighs where his shorts stopped, until Namjoon spoke up “What if I’m okay with that?” Jackson tried to speak up, but Namjoon put a hand over his mouth once again. “I trust you… I want my first time to be with you.”

That seemed to make Jackson speechless an action that Namjoon at this point of their friendship thought was not possible, and when he finally let Jackson speak the older seemed more worried than happy. Which in turn made Namjoon worry. “Are you sure? Joonie you don’t have to do this, it is still very early and I understand if you aren’t ready.”

Namjoon couldn’t stop himself from laughing. “I’m not made of glass. I don’t have a negative connection to sex, and I’m 21. I might have presented late, but that doesn’t change that I am not 18. I can make these decisions and not feel pressured.”

“I didn’t mean to offend you Joonie.” Jackson petted Namjoon’s thigh again as an apology, so he really liked Namjoon’s thighs okay! Even though he did prefer them less skinny. “I just want to make sure. This is something you can’t take back, and I’m not sure that I am the right person for it.” Jackson sighed a little. “I want your first time to be special.”

That was what made Namjoon giggle. “Silly alpha, you are special to me, having my first time with you isn’t only special, but also feels right. You are the alpha I trust the most, you have always been there for me.”

Jackson at this point wasn’t really sure what he was arguing for anymore. Namjoon was right and Jackson had to trust that Namjoon knew what was best for him, that Namjoon knew what he wanted and what he didn’t, and… he wanted Namjoon. “If we do this I need you to know that you can back out at any moment. I am not a baby alpha anymore I have control over myself and if you want to stop you can call for us to stop and we will stop no matter what is happening.” Namjoon nodded to that, finding it kinda sweet how careful Jackson was with him, but then again… Jackson had always been like that, from that first moment where they meet always making sure that Namjoon was okay. That was just the kind of person Jackson was.

The alpha kept on his rant when he was sure that Namjoon got the first part. “And I won't knot you.” Namjoon was ready to disagree, he had seen how good it had felt when Jackson had knotted BamBam, but it was Jackson’s time to cover the younger's mouth with a soft hand movement. “This isn’t up for debate, you are not ready for it. It has nothing to do with me not respecting you as an adult or anything like that. But your first time getting knotted is something that deserves a lot more thought than just this, when you get knotted for the first time… That is something that stays with you, and it is okay to wait. Mark hasn’t tried it yet, he wants it to be the first time he has a heat with us, your first knot is not a rush you need to reach, it is not something you need to do soon. And I don’t feel comfortable doing it.”

Namjoon nodded slowly, he understood what Jackson was saying and maybe Jackson was right. After all it wasn’t something he needed to do yet. He was happy as it was right now, this wasn’t a spring for him to catch up to every other omega his age, this was about being close to Jackson.

His problem was that no matter how much brain he had and how good he normally was with words, he always struggled with telling people what he wanted. Which was what lead him to sitting as he was in that moment straddling Jackson while chewing on his lower lip. What he didn’t know was that he made at the same time an adorable display, but also looked hot as fuck and it didn’t make it better when he without thinking about leaned back and pressed his yes flat but still very comfortable ass against Jackson’s crotch. “Jooonie, please I am trying to have a conversation.”

Namjoon’s tanned cheeks flared up in a red color as he felt Jackson’s erection through the loose fabric of his shorts. “I… I still want you.”

That was all Jackson needed to know before he rolled them over leaving Namjoon on his back with Jackson in between his thighs. “I want our first time to be about you, and I am going to make sure that you never forget about it.” Jackson’s smile was cheeky and Namjoon couldn’t stop himself from giggling, or at least trying before Jackson stopped all sound from leaving him by kissing him deeply.

It was no longer the soft and free teasing as Jackson’s tongue without hesitation found its way into Namjoon mouth and started a teasing, but still hot dance of wrapping itself around Namjoon’s leaving the younger with no other option than just trying his best to keep up and mimic what Jackson was doing.

Namjoon buried his hand in Jackson’s bleach damaged hair, trying his best to center himself as Jackson moved. Softly nipping at Namjoon’s lower lip holding it between his teeth in a teasing movement. At the same time grinding both of their still clothed hips together, forcing a whiny moan from the younger mouth.

When Jackson finally let Namjoon’s lips go they were kiss swollen and so irresistible that Jackson couldn’t stop himself from running his thumb over the lower one. It was Jackson’s time to try and control his moans as the tip of his thumb slipped into Namjoon mouth and the omega’s soft tongue ran over the pad of his finger.

Jackson couldn’t stop himself from moaning low. “Here I am trying to focus on making you feel good and now you force me to think about how good you would look with something in your mouth. How good you looked with your lips swollen and wet from Mark’s slick and that isn’t fair when I am trying to focus on you.”

Namjoon had no idea what it was, but he felt playful as he sucked a little on Jackson’s thumb trying for his best innocent look. Which seemed to work as Jackson pulled his hand out of Namjoon’s mouth with a moan. “Yeah you need to stop looking at me like that or we might never get to the point of this.”

The younger just giggled a little. “I’m sorry.” He was sure that he heard Jackson mumble ‘no you aren’t’ before he first pulled his own shirt off and then Namjoon following. Normally Namjoon would feel really self conscious about his body, but this time he was more focused on looking and taking in Jackson’s body.

While yes he had seen Jackson naked before, just like the other male had seen him naked during his rut, but this was different. Both of them were clear in their mind and while yes Jackson’s herbal scent was flowing around Namjoon mixing with his still weak scent, but it wasn’t overwhelming anymore he could still think. Both males were just looking at each other for a few moments, before either moved and surprising to everybody it was actually Namjoon that moved first not being able to stop himself from running his hands over Jackson’s chest. At first the older flinched, but he quickly explained himself. “Your hands are cold.”

Namjoon was slow and keeping his hands on Jackson’s side not sure where to go from there. He wanted to touch, but he wasn’t sure how. Luckily Jackson seemed to get it as he guided Namjoon’s hands up his chest running the younger soft hands over his abs up to his pecks. Jackson let out a soft hum clearly enjoying Namjoon’s hands on him, the omega couldn’t stop himself from lightly pinching the nipple he found there making the older let out a moan again. Namjoon found that he actually liked being able to force the noises out of Jackson he felt weirdly in control.

The alpha seemed to have enough of Namjoon’s control and decided it was time to take it back as he captured both of his hands in his own. It wasn’t harsh and Namjoon would without question get out of the hold if he wanted. But he wasn’t sure that was actually what he would want as Jackson leaned down to place a love bite right under Namjoon’s jawline. “Since you are going to be leaving us soon, I thought maybe it is good to give you something so you won't forget about us.”

Namjoon moaned out as he felt Jackson’s free hand slowly pet his exposed hipbone. “No matter what happens I would never forget about you guys, we are friends. No matter which pack I end up with, nothing will change what we all have.” The words were mumbled as Namjoon had closed his eyes to focus on the pleasure Jackson was pulling from his body.

“How do you want to do this?” Jackson questioned while busying himself with marking up Namjoon as much as possible. Okay maybe the thought that he knew that they only had a few more days together at max had taken over his mind and he really wanted to put his mark on Namjoon, it was just who he was.

The omega blushed a little thinking about it. “Like this, if it is okay… I want to see you.”

Jackson kinda wanted to coo over how soft and cute and Namjoon was. But he decided that it probably wouldn’t make Namjoon feel more comfortable with him so he just nodded a little. “Good choice.” He regretted it the second he separated himself from Namjoon’s cold body to quickly pull off the rest of his own clothes and Namjoon’s. He was happy that he was quick thinking enough to grab the lube while he was up since he knew that Namjoon couldn’t self lubricate and he wasn’t about to risk anything.

As soon as they were in physical contact again, both of the idols let out a little sigh. Namjoon because Jackson was covering his cold body and warming him up to the bone and maybe also because Jackson’s scent was much stronger as he nuzzled the oldest scent gland happily. The herbal scent that smelt so much like the tea that Jackson favoured was so clearly and unapologetically Jackson it was amazing.

Namjoon relaxed his body the best he could as he saw Jackson drizzle lube on his fingers. He could trust Jackson he knew that he could, one deep breath was enough to relax him. He had tried this, Jinyoung had fingered him before, so it was nothing new. While he was half lost in his own mind Jackson had warmed up the lube and pressed a kiss to Namjoon soft lips. “Spread your legs a little more for me baby, and remember no matter how far we are you can always say stop.”

“I know,” Namjoon mumbled leaning up to get another kiss from the older man, “now before I get as old as you.”

Jackson nipped at Namjoon’s lower lip as payback. “You can be such a brat, we need to restrict how much time you spend with BamBam this is clearly having a negative effect on you!” Namjoon giggled a little trying to keep himself relaxed as he felt Jackson trace his rim with a lube slick fingers.

There was still that little annoying voice in his mind that said he wasn’t a really omega. That he was wrong for not being able to produce slick himself, but he did his best to push the thought away. Doctor Choi had said that he would be able to do it at some point, that this wasn’t him being broken that it was just his body being slow at catching up.

After all Namjoon was still an omega and his body opened itself easily for the first of Jackson’s fingers. It wasn’t even that uncomfortable after all this was what his body was meant for. If anything it just didn’t feel like it was enough. While of course it was so sweet that Jackson was trying to be safe and soft with him, but Namjoon wasn’t actually going to break under him. “Jackson please… More.”

Jackson seemed split for a second, but he needed to trust Namjoon also he knew that BamBam and Mark needed almost no prep and that omegas didn’t really in general it, was how their bodies were built. He was still going to open up Namjoon slowly, if nothing else then for the fact that he wasn’t wet himself and Jackson needed to be sure that he was slick everywhere and he wouldn’t accidentally rip something. It was very very unlikely because he was not going to be rough with Namjoon, but the point was still there.

“I know baby, but we are doing this my way and I want to make sure that you feel no pain at all, just hold out a little bit more.” As he slid his second finger in he kissed Namjoon swallowing up the light moan leaving the omega’s mouth. He slowly started fucking Namjoon with the two fingers, he knew it was nothing compared to the three fingers that Jinyoung had fucked Namjoon with during his rut, because yes he could remember a little bit of it, a little… fuck triggered ruts they sucked balls.

“At this speed I should have asked Yugyeom instead.” Namjoon teased a little while running his hand through Jackson’s bleached locks, both of their hair had to look like bird nests.

Jackson knew Namjoon was not teasing, but he could still feel the hit to his pride and feeling himself feel insecure about it. “Please understand Joonie, I can’t smell you scent… I can’t use that to decide how you are and how ready you are. I need to go slow to make sure that I don’t hurt you or do something wrong.” He nuzzled Namjoon’s scent gland and not for the first time he hated his own sense of scent… How much he would give for having it back.

So yeah… That made Namjoon feel terrible, he had no idea that alphas or anybody could really use people’s scent to feel how ready they were. While yes he knew that you could smell, especially an omega, when they were in pain or distraught since those were scents he had smelled while living with BTS. But he never knew it worked with pleasure as well, that did explain how Zelo’s sakura flower scent had gotten so overwhelming just around the time he came. Namjoon had never really thought about that since he also came at that time. “I was just teasing, I never meant it like that.” Namjoon’s voice was still weak from the pleasure flowing through him.

Jackson nuzzled a little more into Namjoon’s scent gland, now scissoring his fingers. “I know, but I wanted to explain myself. I am not mad at you or sad, but communication is important isn’t that what you tried to teach me?” He nipped the gland a little before going back to Namjoon’s lips. “Ready for one more?”

Namjoon wanted to swear at him, wanted to tell him that of course he was ready for one more! He felt like he had been ready for hours, but instead he just nodded and let out a little whine he had never heard from his own body before. He finally felt full as Jackson inserted the third finger, it wasn’t as full as when Jinyoung had done it since the beta had both longer and wider fingers, but this still felt really good.

He bit down on his lip trying to hold back the low moans, trying to be considerate for the other Got7 members in the mouse. But Jackson freed the lip softly from Namjoon’s teeth with a kiss. “I want to hear you, I want to hear that you like what I am doing to you. Don’t think about everybody else, we don’t have anything to hide here. This is okay and not something to be embarrassed about.”

Namjoon blushed, but he nodded being unable to keep back his moans anymore just trusting Jackson with his body. Neither were really sure how long Jackson spent on preparing him, but Jackson on purpose avoided his prostate and his erection. He didn’t want to push Namjoon close to the edge, he wanted them to reach the finish together.

When he finally decided Namjoon was finished and pulled his fingers out of the taller man, Namjoon let out a little whine clearly not happy with losing the feeling of finally feeling full. Jackson chuckled a little kissing Namjoon on the cheek. “Just wait a little baby.” He grabbed the bottle of lube one last time to spread it over his neglected erection. He looked down at Namjoon under him, heavy eyes and spread naked all for Jackson’s eyes to feast upon, it was great. It was amazing.

He guided Namjoon’s legs further up his hips, not really wanting to test if Namjoon was flexible enough to put his legs over his shoulders, because he was pretty sure that the answer was no. He made the decision to let himself slide into Namjoon in one thrust instead of doing it slowly, deciding that it was probably better for both of them.

When Jackson was finally buried to the hilt inside the new omega, it was like time stopped for both of them taking the time to just focus on the feeling of being connected like that, until Namjoon spoke up. “You can move, I am okay.”

It took a few seconds for Jackson to nod and actually move as he was told to do. He was still so careful with Namjoon. “You look so pretty like this, spread out, so pretty.”

“Shut up.” The younger mumbled with a moan blushing. The pleasure Jackson was giving him was intense, and he couldn’t stop himself from sneaking his own hand down to wrap around his hard erection as he felt over and over again Jackson’s hips hitting his ass as he bottomed out.

Sweet nothings were still being released from Jackson’s mouth over and over again, telling Namjoon how good he was taking him, how pretty he was and how tight he felt. Namjoon somehow knew that neither of them were going to last that long. Especially when Jackson grabbed his free hand and intertwined their fingers together over Namjoon’s head and took his still kiss swollen lips in a harsh kiss that had more tongue and teeth than real actual technique.

“Jackson, I’m…” Namjoon moaned against the other's lips, feeling to shy to actually say it. He didn’t know why he was so shy. Maybe it was because this was the first time it was happening. Maybe it was Jackson or maybe it was something else.

“You can come Joonie, it is okay you don’t have to hold back it is okay.” Jackson was actually glad that Namjoon was close as well, he knew that he himself wouldn’t last much longer. Normally he could last, but something about this was pushing him towards the edge and then it was all over.

Namjoon came with Jackson’s name on his lips, just like last time eyes clenched shut as the waves of pleasure rolled over him. The pleasure somehow intensified when he felt Jackson come inside of him. It felt wet… full and nice.

Namjoon was actually impressed that Jackson managed to hold himself up. His entire body shaking from his orgasm as Namjoon finally managed to open his eyes and softly pet Jackson’s hair.

It had felt good… It had felt so good to finally be with the alpha, and he couldn’t stop himself from nuzzling Jackson’s scent gland forcing a weak smile from the older’s lips as he whispered. “Thank you, thanks for being my first and caring so much.”

It finally seemed enough for Jackson as he kinda collapsed after having pulled out of Namjoon and moved a little to the side. The smaller alpha somehow managed to gather up Namjoon in his arms and cuddle him. “No thank you for trusting me.”

They laid there for a many minutes until Namjoon finally spoke up. “Jackson we have to get up.”

“Noooo nap now.” Jackson mumbled sleepily.

“I am sticky!”

“We will fix that later, nap now even if you can’t nap… Please just lie here with me, it’s better for both of us. Our bodies doesn’t deal well with separation after sex, it feels abandoned, solve your puzzle, write lyrics anything… Please just don’t leave me here.” Jackson’s voice was a little sad, and Namjoon to be honest had never thought of leaving Jackson behind he wanted both of them to get up and take a shower. The thought of moving away from Jackson just seemed wrong.

Namjoon ended up surrendering to Jackson’s cuddling even though he knew both would regret it later. He was kinda sleepy himself, but somehow he knew that he wouldn’t be able to find sleep so yawning he worked on his little puzzle box, and without even thinking about it he pushed the last slide into place… and it opened.

What he found inside was nothing like what he had expected. The puzzle box was split into two rooms one full the other empty, both covered by a letter, which Namjoon picked up to read. And as he read it… he started to cry… Fucking Himchan. Namjoon swore as the beta’s soft scent of honeysuckle filled his nostrils and tears fell on the letter. And with that… his time with Got7 was over.

We are officially done with Got7's arc,

Anybody who can guess what is in the letter!?

Also since you guys liked the little information about other packs that aren't important to the story so here is another one.

Winner and iKon is one big pack, Taehyun left both Winner as a group and the pack after having mental issues, which even if nobody really knows it is created by not getting treated right by his pack alpha who doesn't really respect omega's... 10 points to who ever can guess the pack alpha. That story line might get picked up since certain pack alpha aren't good at respecting omega's from older packs *Cough cough* he might be mean to Daesung who doesn't want to bother his pack with it *cough cough*

For who made Hechuul pregnant, it is a beta from Super Junior M!

Next chapter we get the what is in the letter and finally get Seungri's gift plus some actual fallout from Namjoon neglect shows it ugly head

Previous Chapter ! Next Chapter 

- Prussia

[femslashrevolution]

Towards A Darker Femslash by holyfant

This post is part of Femslash Revolution’s I Am Femslash series, sharing voices of F/F creators from all walks of life. The views represented within are those of the author only.

Hello everyone! I hope your Femslash February is going great so far. I was stoked to be asked to write a little something for I Am Femslash, particularly because while I’ve written bits and pieces about my experience as a young, queer, multishipping and writing young woman in fandom, I’ve never really tried to put any of my thoughts together in a truly coherent way. So, here I go, attempting to write about a topic that is dear to me. Feel free to engage me on any of the points I make in this little essay!

So, hi. I’m holyfant, a 26-year-old ESL fanfic and (aspiring) original fiction writer. I’ve been active in fandom for nearly fifteen years, and have written fic for a lot of that time, picking up English and fannishness along the way. Writing fic gave me a way to connect with other people who had to same interests I did – and only later did I realise it also paved the way to more self-knowledge. At some point during my teens, the question of my own sexual and romantic identity became pressing; maybe paradoxically this first drew me to male slash, and only later to femslash – perhaps because the former was and is more visibly present in fandom than the latter, and perhaps also because reading and writing femslash was still too direct a way to engage with my own identity at that point. I still don’t fully understand this; I remember that when I was first playing with the idea that I might not be straight, it felt safer to read about men in love than women in love. Maybe seeing male characters discover their non-straightness was close enough to my own experience to stir up emotion and feeling, but far enough removed from it that it didn’t stir up panic. Who knows?

Either way, when I was more comfortable with who I was, I returned to f/f and found it infinitely rewarding. I read a metric ton of femslash fic and wrote lots myself – for a fairly long stretch of time I enjoyed deep obscurity in the Harry Potter and Greek mythology fandoms as a niche femslash writer with two or three loyal readers, and it was truly a lovely time. I engaged with femslash in a curious, non-discriminatory way – I shipped everyone. I’d take two minor female characters who perhaps had never even interacted in canon and found a way to put them together. I took prompts for characters that were only featured in throw-away lines, and wrote a lot of fic for the now sadly defunct LJ community hp_rarestpairest, which encouraged the nichest of pairings. Basically I was honing my writing skills, while also representing my questions, hopes and fears about my own sexuality at the same time. In my fics I dealt with women falling in love, being rejected, having sex with each other, coming out to their families and friends, dealing with heartbreak – all of these were things that I was thinking about, was experiencing or wanted to experience, or was scared of. I think it will surprise few queer femslash writers to hear that reading and writing femslash taught me a lot about my own identity and sexuality and gave me a community of queer women that I would otherwise never have found.

Despite the fact that I was mostly a femslash writer in my early times in fandom and the fact that I write f/f in my current fandoms today, it remains a curious truth that my growth as a writer from someone who wrote 1,000-word oneshots in one go to someone who wrote novel-length fanfic over several months coincided with going into a different fandom where my main focus was a m/m ship (BBC Sherlock, where I was sucked into the black hole that was Sherlock/John). I said I “shipped everyone” earlier – it would be just as correct to say I shipped no one, because I had no deep emotional investment in the ships I wrote about, and often wrote only one fic per ship. (Perhaps the only exception was Lavender/Parvati, which I wrote often and regularly gave me the warm fuzzies to think about.) It wasn’t until Sherlock happened that I started to understand what people meant when they said a ship was their OTP, or how people could get so intense about their reading of a relationship. As a result of this increased feeling of investment I read and wrote so much fic that I became a much better writer for it, by pushing myself to write more and more complex stories. This was all fine in itself, but even as it happened I was aware that it was curious that this sudden spur of feeling and craft was because of a juggernaut white dude ship, something that had never held much interest for me before. I felt – even at that heady time when you’re in a new fandom and it’s like being in love – like I wanted to continue to write smaller pairings and explore female characters, too. And I did, but the point remains that when I look at my story stats now, it’s clear that my f/f stories are shorter in word count and are less varied in their plot and execution than my m/m stories.

All this to show that I am 100% part of what I am about to describe: not a problem, per se, but an observation that I think is useful to be aware of and think about. The fact is that femslash, across fandoms, remains a niche category, and that while there are great amounts of people who read and write almost exclusively m/m this is barely ever the case for f/f. A lot of the f/f writers I know have talked at some point about the realisation that f/f in general seems to lack novel-length stories and stories that have the diversity of plotting and thematic exploration that we easily find for m/m ships. Most f/f stories are shorter stories or oneshots that focus on meet-cutes, sex and domestic bliss. Longer fics are rare. Darker themes, such as character death and grief, trauma, relationship issues, adultery, abuse and so on are also rare. I am not the first to notice this and not the first to theorise on it, but I would still like to identify why I think f/f fandom has developed in this direction, and to formulate some ideas as how to diversify our creative experiences a little.

I think there are a lot of possible reasons that f/f writers are in general less motivated to write long stories that explore complex themes, and these will surely differ for everyone. For me, I’ve identified three causes, in increasing order of importance: 1. a small audience, and therefore a smaller possibility of extensive feedback, 2. a lack of variation and complexity in female characters and their relationships in a lot of canon materials, and 3. the awareness that f/f is often rooted in a deeply lived experience for many of its readers and writers, and that it’s therefore necessary to be wary of representing “bad” female characters or negative tropes about lesbian and bisexual relationships. The most complex of these is certainly no. 3, which is why that’s the one I will be writing about a bit more.

Statistically f/f is most likely to be written and read by cis queer women, which of course influences our relationship with the characters we portray, because they refer to our own lived existence. This makes f/f different from m/m – m/m is also mostly written by cis women (straight and otherwise), which creates a certain leeway for “true” realism. Anecdotally I can share what happened when my housemate and my best friend, both cis gay men, delved into the world of m/m fanfic on some of my recommendations. While they enjoyed a lot of the stories I told them I’d liked, they also talked about many of the things they felt were inaccurate about gay sex and romance – for instance, they could name several often-described sexual acts that they said didn’t quite “work that way”, and they were generally uncomfortable with the fannish (certainly often problematic) tendency to label characters as strictly tops or bottoms, especially if this was based on stereotypical characteristics outside of the bedroom. If gay men were to write these stories (which they do, of course, only in much smaller numbers), they might look different – they might be less fictionalised, less genre-specific; the language developed to talk about men in love might be different, there might be different focuses. It’s hard to definitively say what it would be like. Either way, it would seem logical that it follows, from the fact that lesbian and bisexual women overwhelmingly write the fannish stories that we have about lesbian and bisexual women, that we should find it easy to access their spaces and write about many different aspects of their lives. In reality this doesn’t necessarily seem to be so. Perhaps the scrutiny, both internal and external, is larger – perhaps because we are writing about ourselves we put more pressure on ourselves to “get it right”, and perhaps our audience, who is looking to see itself represented, does the same at times. Or maybe we simply perceive our audience as being more critical than it truly is.

What is a “bad” female character? Most people will agree that women often get the short stick of characterisation in most media – to such an extent that there are tropey names for them, like the Girl Next Door, the Femme Fatale, the Manic Pixie Dream Girl, and so on. Women are still often used as crutches for men; their stories are supporting stories, their pain is used to further a male character’s pain. Writing about women in fanfic is often already a rebellious act in itself, one that reverses harsh or flippant treatment by canon writers. While this is fine in se, and sometimes even lends a pleasant sheen of fannish disobedience to writing female-centric fic, I do believe it has the unintended and unsavoury result of effectively also policing the sort of woman that can be written about. This may seem like a paradox, but in reacting to the one-dimensional representations of women in fiction it can become important to “fix” those wrongs, and this makes it hard to write about women who don’t overtly challenge assumptions about womanhood: unsympathetic women, women who are perhaps weak-willed, petty, bigoted, jealous, aggressive, criminal, highly sexual, or abusive. Considering that, at least in a Western vision on literature, stories derive meaning at their base from conflict, removing the option to write “bad” women removes a lot of possibility for thematic conflict. This might be part of the reason why there are significantly less plot-driven f/f stories than there plot-driven m/m stories; plot usually requires conflict, and conflict often requires flawed characters and flawed relationships.

I know that when I write about women I’m conscious of the fact that I have internalised societal ideas about what it “should” mean to be a woman, but I’m also aware that in trying to combat those ideas it’s easy to get mired in different ones. I know that I sometimes interrogate myself about what it is that I’m saying about women when I write about this particular woman cheating on her partner or being generally secretive and untruthful – doesn’t that reproduce a societal prejudice that women are untrustworthy? It’s very hard to separate a single performance of fictional womanhood from the general performance of womanhood – this is not usually a problem with (white) men, who are allowed to represent only themselves, and not their entire gender.

The above paragraphs talk about “women” – clearly the problem of treatment that I write about becomes many times more pressing when dealing with women who are on other intersections of oppression. Women who love women are more vulnerable to prejudice and abuse than straight women, and wlw of colour are again many times more vulnerable than their white sisters. And when these wlw or woc are not cisgender, again their situation becomes many times more dire. These societal realities are often reproduced in media – 2016 was the year in which no lesbian or bisexual woman on tv seemed to be safe, and their pain and deaths hurt all the more because we are confronted with this pain in real life, too. I remember my tumblr dash around the time that The 100’s Lexa died; the pain there for many queer women who watched the show was very real, because – I think – it echoed a feeling of being unsafe, of being cruelly treated in society. I remember fans writing about how hurtful it was to see a brave female character who loved another woman killed off like this; in their pain many people stated that it was unacceptable that lesbian or bisexual female characters should be killed in fiction at all. Of course, this was understandable considering how hurt fans were, and how often they had been disappointed – still, the typical fannish tendency towards lack of nuance frustrated me. In capable writers’ hands, tragedy can be performed very meaningfully. I wrote a little about this on my blog at the time, because I was starting to feel insecure about my own tendency to prefer darker thematic material – was I complicit in my own oppression, and was I hurting other queer women by writing what I enjoyed? Clearly my own privilege was also part of this question: I am a wlw, but I’m white and cisgender, and I hail from a country where legal equality has been realised for the entirety of my adult life. Obviously homophobia is still a problem, but my close environment has been nothing but supportive and accepting from the moment I first came out as lesbian at 16, and again as bisexual at 24. So I haven’t experienced much of the tension and fear that other wlw might have experienced. Does this make me a part of the oppressive machine that performs queer women’s pain for shock value? I seriously thought about this question before tentatively concluding that I had to have faith that I was a thoughtful enough writer to avoid these pitfalls.

It might seem from this essay that I find writing femslash to be an exhausting trial of constantly having to think about what prejudices I’m reproducing – this is not the case. I love writing femslash and I love my femslash-writing friends. I’ve learned heaps about myself and others by reading some of the stellar f/f stories out there, and with every f/f story I write I become more aware of how much I love to write about queer women – and I remind myself that I should certainly do it more often, and more ambitiously. As I stated above, this is something that I’ve noticed in my own writing practice, so it’s not an accusation leveled at anyone else. It’s simply something that I find worthwhile to examine. Judging by some of the conversation that periodically does the rounds in my f/f-loving circles, I’m definitely not alone in that.

Now how to deal with this in our f/f-writing community? There’s no singular answer to that, and whatever we can do is both blindingly obvious and hard to actually do. One of the possible answers is, as it is with so many complex questions that have complex roots, to simply push through and do it anyway, to try to ignore some of the fear and uncomfortable associations we might feel in writing unsympathetic f/f narratives and write them anyway. Diversifying the stories we write will automatically diversify the stories we feel we’re allowed to write. Audience response is probably important too; I think that there must be plenty of people who feel, like me, that it’s a shame that so much of femslash is short and that a lot of it focuses on narrative happiness rather than also exploring narrative unhappiness and conflict, which (in my opinion, at least) yields more fertile literature. And if we feel that way, then we have to try to reward people who write the things we like to read, through our attention, our comments, our kudos, our podcasts, our recs, et cetera.

I write this mere days before the beginning of Femslash February, and I’m certainly planning to walk the walk that I’ve talked in this talk; I’m absolutely sure that the strong core of people who love to read about women loving women will continue to keep this community vibrant and alive and that there are plenty of new directions our stories can go in. I’m looking forward to seeing what the other voices who are participating in I Am Femslash have to say, and I’m looking forward to all of the new content that will be produced. I’m grateful that as a young teen I stumbled upon fandom and that I found my way towards femslash a few years later; I’m pretty sure my own journey of discovery and creativity would have been very different, and probably more difficult, if I hadn’t found this community. So, to all of us: We Are Femslash! <3

About the author

holyfant is a 26-year-old bisexual woman from Belgium, who’s been writing about women and their relationships since she was a budding young wlw. She loves to think about literature and how it relates to the core of our human experiences: the only thing she really wants to be, in the end, is a storyteller.

Tumblr: http://holyant.tumblr.com

AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/users/holyfant

[writtenaboutshinee]

The Celebrity June 2015 interview - Taemin [Taemin who is neither early nor late]

Repost from the translator keihissi’s original post, which can be found

here on their blog.

.

[Taemin who is neither early nor late] The maknae of famous SHINee, and the most famous maknae among all of this (idol) world's maknae, Taemin. Because his hyungs show nothing but love for him, fans have dubbed him "TAEMINee". Is this why compared to the other members, his growth to adulthood has drawn a deeper and thicker impression and stayed in the public's hearts? We talked about the seemingly young but not young Taemin's progress velocity.

.

Q: We saw "Let's Go to School" and it seems you really enjoyed being a matchmaker between your friends who are interested in each other?

Taemin: I was reasonably interested. I wasn't able to do such things during my student days. That's why I excessively enjoyed myself and somehow tried to help them.

Q: During your rookie days, sometimes when you have to let go of your favorite things, you earnestly worried over your choices and that is impressive. Have you ever felt any regret or have you ever wanted to get them back again?

Taemin: I've really never regretted it. There are times when I've said "it's a pity" as a joke, but when I see someone pleased because of me, I'm happy too. That's why when I give out things, I give out those that I treasure the most.

Q: If we ask now if we can have your favorite item, what will we receive?

Taemin: I guess the iPad I've used long ago?

Q: We really want it (LOL). Last year, you presented yourself as a solo artist for the first time with「ACE」. That time, did you read everything written about you--experts' opinions and news articles, etc.?

Taemin: Of course. Whether they are objective or subjective articles, they were all discussions for my sake. When I'm doing activities with SHINee, I haven't really looked at articles about us. But when I was doing solo activities, I tried to see the responses as much as I could, I really looked them up. Since it's my first solo activity and I have to do everything by myself so I had a lot of worries.

Q: You seem to be the type who becomes more stimulated to do his best after getting criticized, but isn't that tiring? Is it not right to be just pleased with praises?

Taemin: Of course I love receiving praises but because of that I also dislike getting negative comments. That's why I'm the type who makes sure that do things precisely and without mistakes. I think I'm like that by nature.

Q: When talking about Taemin, we cannot remove topics like "maknae," "debuting when young", and "student days". Have you ever thought that you are going through life very fast?

Taemin: I've thought about how long I've been active (as an idol), but really, it's just that I'm an entertainer and the other people of the my age are students, right? Sometimes. when I look at photos from way back, I think that time really passed by so much.

Q: Before realizing it, you (SHINee) have reached your 8th year. In those 7 years, have you become closer to the image of an artist that you have dreamed about or wished to be?

Taemin: First, the visions I embraced before debut and the reality have some differences, so I can say that I developed a different image than I thought. But other than that I cannot tell if it's for the bad or for the good. In proportion to the great effort I exert, I'm able to have a great chance to challenge different things. And each time I feel that I'm able to acquire the fruits of my labors in my own way. I think that that in itself is interesting.

Q: You have said yourself that you will go in the direction that you desire, right? Have you set an objective for yourself?

Taemin: Actually, I don't think of reaching my goals at this speed, even so, I intend to proceed towards a good direction. This is something that depends on me, so first I have to exert a lot of effort in order to become better.

Q: You have a lot of things you want to do and your passion is also overflowing, but aren't you "striking the iron" too much?

Taemin: I think that whenever my greed surfaces and I say something that I want to do it's a just cause that I have to do it. Instead of being someone who doesn't do anything and is carefree, when I'm preparing for something I really become a greedy person. By nature, I don't really wish for anything more than what I have. But with regards to work, I am very ambitious so I am actively assertive.

Q: Last March, you had concerts in Tokyo Dome. How does it feel to cross over such a large mountain?

Taemin: Even in Japan's music scene, Tokyo Dome is a symbolic place. It's like a dream to be able to perform there so we've always talked about how we wanted to stand on its stage. It's not a stage where just anyone can stand, and standing there is like following our sunbaes' footsteps. When we began our Japan activities, we started at the very bottom, piling up (experience and reputation) little by little with precision, so when we managed to fill up Tokyo Dome with the audience, it felt like we've been given recognition. The feeling of accomplishment and deep emotion is so immense that the members, together with the audience, shed tears.

Q: You have accomplished such a great thing, but doesn't it mean that you have no more goals (since you've met it)?

Taemin: We do not stop at Tokyo Dome. I want to perform concerts in even more, bigger domes and I want to let even more people hear our music.

Q: On this day, it's been 2541 days since SHINee debuted. What is SHINee for Taemin?

Taemin: I've answered this every time, but they're really a family to me. They fill in whatever it is I'm lacking, and they're my sole sanctuary with whom I can depend on with peace of mind. We have had fights and we have gone through difficult times, but we are now at the point wherein we are comfortable and most honest with each other.

.

➤ translated from korean to japanese by umecocleskey

➤ please note that this is a 2nd degree translation: korean -> japanese -> english, so some nuances and words might've been lost in translation. please DO NOT take the interview literally/word for word.

➤ translation may not be 100% accurate.

➤ please do not repost without permission.

About the last point the translator made. Since they’re not actively translating anymore and don’t seem to really be involved in the fandom anymore either, I hoped it would be okay to repost it, also since I did credit them properly. If the the original translator keihissi somehow finds this and want me to take it down, please message me and I will do just that. /writtenaboutshinee

[sanguinesprout]

It’s now or never, let’s goooo~~!!  (aka. semi-serious, encouraging-ish intro post of sorts) ☆ [Repost 160417]

Hmm, alrighty *pretends to crack knuckles* let’s go lil fingers that are currently really cold, do your stuff! Just do it hurgh! ᕙ( * •̀ ᗜ •́ * )ᕗ

I’ve always wanted to make a blog, to just have a space of my own where I could just write out my feelings and post things of my own creation, but my gloomy little avoidant mind kept deciding it wasn’t such a good idea and prevented it from actually materialising. A blog like this is so common but in my mind it was such a big deal, something that could potentially end up going wrong somehow and cause me more anguish. Seeing other people being able to write freely made me feel sorrowful and envious of the courage they have. Ultimately I felt more and more pathetic and ashamed of myself for being so afraid of something so ordinary. This is just one example that shows the extent my avoidance and recently acknowledged paranoia (which I’m gonna totally kick the butt of!! ☆)

I decided a long while back that I no longer wanted to see things in a negative light, so now I try my best to see the good side of things and take inspiration from others instead of instantly feeling demoralised or inferior and it has proven to be much more motivational and uplifting ♡ There has literally been years and years of me desiring to do things with no actual action and I don’t want to put any of it off anymore. There just isn’t any reason to, and this goes for a lot of the things in my life too!

I created this account over a year ago and I spent a long time trying to encourage myself and give myself the time I needed to psych up to use it. It takes so much mental effort just to get myself moving, and only one small negative criticism or experience to have me falling back to square one again. My motivation levels always fluctuated because of my reoccurring fears and lack of confidence.  When I finally thought I was mentally prepared enough, it all plummeted into the depths of darkness due to the onslaught of old and new physical health problems. But I am stronger than I think and these things won’t hold me back anymore! I won’t be beat so easily, I can keep fighting hoohah!! ᕙ (;｀⊥ ＾★)┐

This isn’t my first attempt at a blog or tumblr account, in fact it’s my third one, the previous ones poofed when real life got too difficult and I lost the motivation try keep up with the fandoms which I sat awkwardly reblogging a few things from. Being in a fandom was nice to experience, but at the same time uncomfortable and anxiety inducing as I never felt like I could truly fit in. I didn’t want to impose the misery of my real life on anyone nor force myself even more to pretend to be okay when I wasn’t, so I chose to just disappear. This being the case on some other similar occasions also and is such an avoidant thing to do, but at the time it gave me some relief and I hoped to re-appear someday when I got better but it just... it didn’t happen and I eventually had to give up on that idea. I also kept thinking they would probably resent me and that it would be awkward because our common interest was lost because I fell behind. I worry that I was just being selfish and taking an easy but inconsiderate way out and feel very regretful but I guess it has also presented me with opportunities to try refocus myself and learn from my mistakes.

I've become very aware of the impact of my avoidant habits and paranoid behaviour even more in the recent years and naturally, as they are neither healthy nor beneficial, I wish to do away with them as much as possible. I’ve always had an inkling my irrational fears and thoughts were not just those of social anxiety and when I stumbled upon the existence of AVPD I had a total epiphany, much like many other people I’ve read about. Seeing how I wasn’t alone in how I felt is relieving but knowing they are also suffering so much is too painful of a realisation. I want to help them but I feel I can’t because I have trouble even helping myself and everything just hurts so much.

Someday... someday soon I will break out of my bubble of sorrow and I’ll scatter sunshine and sparkles over all these rain clouds and make rainbows appear instead, I believe in myself, I believe I can do it! ✧*。ヾ(｡･∀･｡)ﾉﾞ✧*。

That was pretty cheesy and random, my bad lol but so is this~ I came across the word ‘sanguine’ recently and it really stuck in my mind. It means ‘optimistic or positive, especially in an apparently bad or difficult situation’ (or can mean ‘blood red’ also lolol). That’s the kind of person I want to be or the mindset I want to have (not red coloured and ideally without the bad situations too but I guess it doesn’t quite fulfil its meaning then and well beggars can’t be choosers anyways haha~).

Anyways, I’m at the point in time where I see I need to change now or be forever regretful and continue to feel like a burden to myself and others around me. I want to break out of this unhealthy cycle and move forward with confidence. I feel like I’ve lost part of who I really am, after all these years of being unsure, pretending and restricting myself to conform to the idea that I had to be a certain way to be liked and to the demons in my mind telling me I’m worthless, undeserving and weird, because... I’m not! (ﾉ≧ڡ≦) ☆ ...well maybe I am kinda... pretty darn weird, but it’s okay to be different!

I just want to be myself and I want to be happy. I want my loved ones to not be worried, to see me move out of my slump, to have someone they can finally be proud of and someone who can help them when needed, because although they may have contributed towards my avoidant personality, I love them and I want to see them happy and stress free too.

Time is precious and although I feel I have wasted a lot of it with all of my inaction, frustration and failures, there is still time to make things right. I want to look to the future and enjoy life, because (as much as the phrase irked me initially, it’s been super useful and true) YOLO!! ☆ I mean maybe there is another life but who knows what I’ll be then. I don’t think I could accomplish much as a cucumber or a snail. (Ooh my! That gives me an idea for something artsy fartsy! :D)

Making small progress is much better than none at all, so I’m going to try hard to keep moving up, keep being positive, proactive and productive! (Look at all them p's alliteration whoooo~!! Someone give me a gold star lol, it feels like I’ve written an essay and it was actually a little less stressful than a real one too hurr :B)

I feel somewhat proud of myself that I’ve already made progress even though I may not have been recording it here. Seeing the benefits it’s had on my general health and mood is a nice feeling and my motivation levels are continuing to increase from knowing that I can really make a change. It’s the fear from irrational thoughts that prevent you from going ahead, but once you stop to take the time to rationalise them, you’ll feel much more assured and motivated. Never forget that every bit of progress no matter how small or insignificant it may seem deserves a pat on the back! Reinforce the good feelings and behaviour, not the bad! Even if it seems terrible now, there’s always tomorrow and there’s the great big future ahead to be looking forward to! C:

Avpd is so awkward, geez... I wouldn’t even wish AVPD on even my worst enemy (well AVPD is one of my worst enemies so it wouldn’t work anyways unless it’s that thing where two negatives cancel each other out and become a positive lol).

It’s so strange, sometimes when I write I can’t tell if I am writing like myself or someone else..? I think maybe because I don’t write often, I forget that I can write something other than jokey informal things (which is closer to how I talk). Talking and writing is different though, so I guess it makes sense yoooo~! I can’t spend too long being serious, it brings on those unwanted dreary and negative feels, I don’t want to feel melancholy anymore ._.

Before I started writing this post I wrote the about page for my blog and actually struggled with it quite a bit. One of my main goals is to just have the courage to just put myself out there and not feel ashamed, I really hope to get over this asap as it bothers me so much. It’s no exciting piece of literature of course but I’m happy I was able to do it and be satisfied with it. It was a load of incomprehensible waffling at first and I got sidetracked from writing the simple things I initially wanted to, but I edited the unnecessary parts away. It was nice to finally write a slice of my feelings down and something truthful about myself and at first it felt like a waste getting rid of some of it, but I think I’ll probably save those words for future creative inspo so that worked out okay too. I kept catching myself stepping into the negative thought zone, but I’m glad I noticed and removed it in the end because it was unneeded. That’ll teach mr.snarkypants negative mind not to mess with me! (╯°Д°）╯︵/(.□ . \)

I have lots of other things I want to write and say but I’ll save them for another time as this is getting much lengthier than I wanted it to be, but better out than in I guess, no one likes trapped thoughts or mind constipation amirite..? *crickets chirp*. By writing this, I managed to encourage myself a little more and even give myself some inspiration and creative direction, woot! I just need to keep it up! I won’t let myself be afraid to write about my fears anymore, I’ll rationalise all that is irrational and I’ll pour my true feelings into this blog, with a dash of silliness and rainbows ♡

Everything is easy in theory when just spoken or written, but I know it’ll be difficult to actually put in practice. There is still doubt and negativity lingering in my mind of course, but for now motivation for change is at the forefront. I feel as though maybe I’ve come across as naively optimistic here, but even if I don’t get the exact result I want, at least I tried and that in itself is a great improvement. I just don’t want to give up so easily this time, I don’t want to fall into the spiral of hopelessness I’ve entered many times before and I don’t want anyone else to either. Negativity will have no power over me anymore! (*｀皿´*ﾉ)ﾉ ⌒ ●~*

I spent way to long writing, re-reading and editing this, worrying about spelling/grammar when normally I don’t even grammar, I love engrish~! lol (selective perfectionism, if that’s a thing? If so, stop hassling me!). I also wonder if it’s disjointed and incoherent or if I come across as a bad or foolish person... I need to stop worrying so much over silly insignificant things too, like even where to put the read more cut was an overly arduous task and I still feel iffy about it, but just saw tumblr automatically cuts them to stop clutter lol. All in all I just hope my writing makes some sense, my brain was beginning to get cobwebs, so it was good to get the cogs moving again since I hadn’t sat down and written for so long heh. My attempts at being humorous, fancy and poetic need work though for sure haha~

If I don’t post this now, I’ll keep hesitating and back out, like I’ve always been doing, okay okay imma do it! *presses button with eyes closed and accidentally deletes it all* (huh damn my post didn’t showing up in the tags, must be cause I haven’t used this account properly yet... how anti-climatic, oh welp it’s not like I actually wanted someone to read this or anything, b-baka! orz)

To anyone that happens to come across this and actually read it and found it a little interesting or relatable, thank you and hopefully it’ll give a little insight into the type of blog this is and the oddity person that resides here~! If you didn’t read any of it and just think I’m a strange-ass alien, it’s okay too lol! But thanks for taking your time to look anyways~ ^^

I hope everyone can find the confidence and resolve to be themselves (if needed) and be happy! Keep going, you got this, you can do it! *hugs and sprinkles of optimism* *ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ✩‧₊ ♡